#and it pisses me off when people infantalize and desexualize him

[thrill-kill-kult]

Wrote a lot of stuff about the Skwistok relationship dynamic in the universe of my fic, Tell All.

Trigger warnings for general Toki storyline stuff, dysphoria and body image issues, and implied sa. Idk they got shit going on. Also there’s some light nsft talk about their sexual dynamic.

Skwisgaar is really insecure about her body, and Toki doesn’t get it at all. He thinks she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, and it ought to mean something that it comes from someone who could probably have any woman he wanted.

She’s mostly insecure about her more masculine features that she feels like she doesn’t really have control over. She has a lot of bottom dysphoria and plans to get bottom surgery, and like she realistically can whenever she wants to, but surgery scares her and perhaps more than that, the thought that she won’t like the results.

Toki gets it, and he also thinks her bulge is cute and like if it were anyone but him, Skwisgaar probably would be upset to have that part of her body noticed, but Toki’s so genuine about it and also like it feels different because he’s also trans and she knows he doesn’t think her body’s abnormal or weird.

Toki’s honestly just very much the king of body neutrality in some respects. It’s something he has to do consciously for himself, because he can be really self conscious of his scars and of being trans, and knowing that the whole fucking world sees those parts of him. He works really hard tho on finding peace with the fact that like, this is the body he has and there’s no point in being so critical of the very thing that has gotten him through life thus far.

At the end of the day sometimes Skwisgaar just needs him to remind her that like the body she has is the one that she’s lived in her whole life and like while it allows her to do amazing things with the guitar and has basically made her a sex goddess, she’s also allowed to feel shitty about it and just like. There’s nuance to be had about idk the horrific human experience of having a body. And no matter what Toki really truly loves her, not just because of her body but because of who she is and what she means to him.

I’ve always thought their relationship starts sexual and becomes romantic from there, and I also think like Toki has always been in love with her, whereas Skwis had to develop those feelings (really she just has to work past a lot of her own issues). Sex between the two of them is really gender affirming for them both tho esp compared to sex with groupies, and it kind of spoils casual sex for both of them (though far more for Toki).

Toki is very much a service top and more than anything he likes knowing he can make Skwisgaar feel good. Have I mentioned he is head over heels in love. He takes great pride in the fact that he can make her blush. Sex with her isn’t a means to an end, but it’s about intimacy and closeness.

Skwisgaar has a hard time dealing with all her feelings about this bc sex has kind of just become meaningless to her and it can range from like something she does because she likes the power it gives her to like an active form of self harm, and she isn’t prepared for how meaningful sex with Toki is. They have so much common ground because they understand what it’s like to be trans and to constantly be in the public eye and they are closer to each other than probably anyone else, and that also makes things fucking terrifying for Skwis because she’s not used to being cared about.

Part of what makes it so terrifying too is that Toki isn’t just done with her after sex, he wants to cuddle and pillow talk and fall asleep with her. She’s not used to being valued as anything more than a sex object and she instinctively pushes back against this because she‘a afraid Toki could end up having ulterior motives and stop treating her well if she doesn’t ’give him what he wants’. This also means it takes her a long time to really understand that he doesn’t ever expect sex from her, and she is ‘allowed’ to say no when she doesn’t want to have sex.

Their relationship has to get more healthy (at least, to the point that the rest of the band knows and they’re not hiding it) before Toki really lets himself be willingly vulnerable with Skwisgaar in return. It’s like a big deal that he eventually lets her take control and touch him in a sexual context. Some of it is about dysphoria but a lot of it is about control because he’s really afraid to be like sexually submissive to someone else. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but he has a lot of fear about letting somebody touch his body in a position where he’s vulnerable.

I think he gets better about this prior to doomstar requiem, but afterwards they go like far past back to square 1. For some time after he struggles even with just being touched in nonsexual contexts because he’s so afraid of it ending in pain. He goes between desperately needing to be touched and violently shoving people away, and it strains his and Skwisgaar’s relationship a lot.

When they do start having sex again, Toki disassociates a lot. He goes back to the room with Magnus, and even when his mind comes back, he can’t get rid of the feeling that he’s dirty and Skwis won’t want him if she knows everything Magnus did. Things don’t really get fixed between them until Toki is willing to talk about what happened.