#and it makes me so sad bc it’s the most realistic sad past of all the characters and nothing can convince me that’s not what his past was

[jellybeanium124]

pathetic vent post lol

so the thursday before last, one of my coworkers told me she's quitting bc she got a job in the field she wants to have a career in. I was happy for her and told her so, but I also felt kind of sad, because she's a woman close in age to me and I've been thinking we could be friends if I wasn't technically her boss for a little while now. so finally near the end of our shifts (we were closing) I buck up and ask if her she'd want to exchange contact info and stay in touch and hang out after she left.

and y'all she looked so happy and excited to be asked that. absolutely 0 hints that her delighted response wasn't genuine. so she puts her number in my phone, and even takes a silly picture for the contact pic, and I send a test text and she responds to confirm it's her correct number.

on monday I text her about hanging out later in the week, with ideas. on tuesday I text her again, with new ideas if she didn't like my first ones. I didn't mean to double text two days in a row.

nothing.

I wait till yesterday and send her one last text, explaining that I really do wanna be friends, I am more chill outside of work and she's only seen Work Nina if that's what she's worried about, but that I don't wanna bother her.

it's been over 24 hours now, and nothing. part of me wonders if she changed her mind and blocked my number.

it's just really disheartening because I've had another person string me along and then not respond/continually cancel on me pretty recently. after my college friend group broke up thanks to the serial sexual predator (which is a whole nother story, dw he didn't do anything to me, in fact he refused to talk to me the first time we met when I introduced myself and tried to make polite small talk, and I realized several months later that he didn't engage with me at all because he didn't wanna fuck me 🙃) things have been kind of dire in the irl friends department and it's sad and pathetic and I thought finally here was a girl I really connected with, and she liked gossiping with me at work, and she seemed really really excited at the possibility of being real friends with me, and then nope... not a single response to any of my texts. zip nada zilch.

it's just hard... I was basically socially rejected by everyone in my film program at my uni, then I finally started to make friends at the jewish club and a serial predator with an apartment full of guns who sells stolen lego sets on ebay and does cocaine ruins that, and then I'm at work and now that I'm a manager I'm the boss of most people there and I wouldn't be close friends with most of them anyways and the one girl who I think I could be really close friends with fucking ghosts me after I was brave enough to ask if she'd wanna be friends. it's been like five straight years of rejection for me. I always had friends in k-12, I wasn't a "popular kid" but I was well liked among the venn diagram of gays, nerds, theater kids, and band kids and I had a lot of friends in high school. I don't fucking know what happened. and now I'm on meds that are finally giving me energy and happy chemicals so I wanna go out, I wanna do stuff, I wanna walk around, and I don't wanna be an apartment slug anymore but I don't have anyone to do anything with and there's only so much fun you can have by yourself. and I'm still too shy to go to a bar alone because I know I'll stand in the corner paralyzed by social anxiety. I'm trying bumble bff rn but I'm so shit at responding to people and I kinda hate myself for it and I'm trying to do better but I keep not responding to people for too long and yeah maybe my ex-coworker is stuck in that cycle too idk.

oh yeah and the whole past year of antisemitism makes everything worse because I'm deeply realistically afraid that any goyim I meet are going to be hateful hamasniks <3 so that's a fun lil bonus.

jesus man... idfk. it's just shitty. it's just fucking shitty.

[yuukei-yikes]

continuing on that...... haruka/konoba identity crisis angst

im not sure continuing on what but YEAHHHHH WOOOO rather than an identity crisis though.......

i think haruka tries to honor konoha as much as he can by enjoying his life, bc konoha isnt Gone it just took its intended back seat so haruka doesn't wanna bore it or act like konoha doesn't deserve to drive just bc it's a snake. it's just how things are. haruka is the owner of the body. konoha happened to be in there while haruka wasnt, and accidentally gained a mind of its own... so when haruka's really going through it, he cant help wondering what makes one or the other deserve the driver's seat more.

is it time? haruka was born in that body and wore it for 17 years before konoha took it for only 2, so in that aspect haruka wins. is it the amount of people who love them? haruka has maybe 5 (quartet, kenjirou(dead) and his father, if it counts) while konoha has... well, the entire dan. so konoha wins there. so... is it, which one is human? but how's that fair? konoha has proven to have a mind of its own. i mean, it made a wish that clearing was forced to grant (hiyori surviving), what more proof do u need to know konoha is person enough? haruka wonders abt this, i think.

but does it even make sense to wonder about deserving? sometimes it just is what it is. the one who got to keep the driver's seat was pure chance, luck, logic, whatever. it was haruka's wish, everyone got a wish and haruka's was to get his body back, while konoha chose to let hiyori live. everyone made their choices, and this is how things are.

what i like about haruka post str is that He is the face of str, and He represents growing up. i think haruka is the one most at peace with what happened to him, mostly being burdened by the guilt he feels from being thankful for the tragedy, since it allowed him to live. he got something out of it. but i dont think haruka's the kind to dwell on the past, just by the way his personality is entirely but also konoha particularly is a reason why.

like i said haruka doesnt wanna bore konoha. i do love how haruka calls konoha the other me. i think if haruka is upset for too long, feeling guilty for konoha being gone or for feeling thankful for the tragedy bc it allowed him to live, something within him shakes him right out of it like hey... ill cheer up if i go get something reaaaaal yummy to eat. like there's The Horrors. but there's also all the good things in life, and what more does haruka want than life?

what we get from haruka's pov tells us he's realistic, even leaning towards being a total pessimist. haruka is completely cynical towards any kind of comfort towards the end, product of living a life where he clung to hope desperately, be it in the form of friendship or religion, and a father who constantly disregarded the despair and sadness of the situation. because of it haruka is left to cope with himself like... hey it happens to everyone. im just hitting the sack a little earlier than most. that's ok.

that's... optimistic? not really. optimistic is shintaro, who tells him you'll be okay, you have to be. and at that point haruka's driven to complete despair where he is completely certain that there is nothing after death. and he... gets worse than nothing! he gets thrown in the daze!!!!

haruka goes through his worst nightmare already, so... what's left post str??? he already lived through the worst, he already cried and begged and accepted it and went back to begging against it... "it" is death.

so would he be fighting mind demons like shintaro and ayano? he's gonna be freaking out in his own skin like takane?? not really. he's just breathing fresh air because he made it out of hell. and i know so did ayano, but the thing with ayano is that she does everything to herself. while haruka... doesn't? so when he makes it out, it's just. summertime record. a peaceful day under the light blue sky.

i got a little side tracked bc i love haruka's air of maturity post str. he really seems like the one character that's listening to music while everyone else wreaks havoc behind him. so when we bring up konoha i think haruka looks at it through this lense. haruka's like i know konoha is with me, it's a part of me, it's me. and what konoha would reaaaaaally want right now... is eat some grilled chicken skewers!!!!!!!!!

[ofmermaidstories]

merms i wanna SCREAM now that the shoto fic is finally here!!!!! but i am also sad that it is the last installment of the series :((((

but anyways knowing you it will always be kept alive somehow, and i'm getting sappy and emotional bc it's been Four Years (4!!! what a big number!! that's a whole CHILD) since i started reading your stories and i'm just so grateful that i found you when i did!! a whole treasure trove of stories about the characters i so wholeheartedly adore.

thank you once again for being the amazing writer and person that u are!! i'm a firm believer that one's character really comes out in their writing (being an english major, it's hard to miss) and i can see how that is expressed in yours, with how careful and thoughtful and beautifully you write your stories. i hope you know that you're one of my most favourite writers ever!!!! and i'll probably never forget you in my life!!!! thank you for bringing so much color into my days <3333

four years!! oh my god. that’s like… full-sentences-whole-child old. we need a cake next year for number five. 🥹 idk hansy i’m like, kinda sad—a lot of what kept holding me back from finishing the first chapter was like, the sudden realisation that this was the beginning of the end LMFAOOOO—but i’ve been trying to keep in mind anon who slipped into the inbox and was like, [let’s] be excited before [we] get sad. because it’s true!! we’re at the beginning of the end—but it’s still the beginning!!! 🏞️✨ and if it’s any consolation, realistically it’ll take me like at least a year to finish this fic, lmfao, and i also wanna do my surrender one-shot collection this love (is ours), which is what i think of as the trilogy’s true ending (the epilogue is set a few years after shouto’s fic finishes), so we’re on the ride a little longer. 🥹 you’ll have to put up with me for a while yet.

idkidkdidkdidididkdddkkkdk hansy. earlier this year i kinda went through a bout of like, that preemptive grief where i just kinda came face-to-face with the fact that yeah, for the past four years this has been The Hobby, you know? like. this has been what i do for fun. and that’s a (relatively) long time and a lot of energy to spend on one thing, and it threw me into this period where i felt really isolated!! i felt silly, like, oh mermie it’s just a couple of fanfics, why are they making you sad you silly girl—and i desperately wanted reassurance that like, it was a normal part of an intensive creative process. and quite frankly i couldn’t find it LOL, i would trawl through the AO3 and fanfic sub reddits and like, try and find people who’d finished or were close to finishing long-standing series or whatever, but if i did find a couple of relevant posts they were years old, and mostly just celebratory (“I just finished my 1,000,000,000 word-long series!”). and then that fed into the, oh my god no one else is talking about this, i’ve taken too long to get to this point and now i’ve emotionally stunted myself this is terrible everything is terrible oh my god etc etc LOL. but!!! i mean, sometimes the best thing for those kinda wobbles is to just start regardless, right? get up and stumble on. 💀 PLUS the biggest thing, actually, was that i like actively reminded myself that no matter how daunting or bittersweet it was to reach the end, i wanted the satisfaction of getting us there. getting to the end of the shouto fic is getting to grab hold of that trophy……. and then we’ll get back in the car and do a victory lap with the last two one-shots in this love LOL. 🍾🏆🎊🏁

anywaysss, enough dumping LOL. hansy we have been in this together for four years. 🥹 and part of what’s gotten us this far along is the nice things you always find to say. 🥺 the race ain’t over yet but once we’ve swept up all the confetti and someone’s cleared away the champagne bottles i want you to know that i’ll remember you as apart of it, for as long as that’s a thing for me to hold. 🥹🌷

[aintitfierce]

3 ( if you've got one. if not, maybe a trend you've been enjoying? ), 26 and 36!

o | accepting

What current rp trend do you hate?

'hate' is really wayyyy too strong of a word but i'm very lightly annoyed by what seems to be the current method of dash commentary, which is just making separate consecutive posts on your respective blogs Responding to the other RPer's posts instead of. reblogging. and making an actual back and forth thread out of it

idk how long this has been going on. i can't remember when i first noticed it lmao. it's nothing Huge, it just makes me feel frustratingly Out Of The Loop on everything if i don't follow all the blogs currently interacting with the commentary

so it ends up being just this one-sided stream of nonsense almost entirely divorced from its context orz unless i want to try to figure out the other blogs involved and search through their posts in the hopes of painstakingly piecing together The Full Story rip

How do you feel about vague posting?

mm, it's kinda up in the air a bit. for the most part i don't really think much of it when i see other people do it-- i might have a moment of Intense Curiosity and some brief worry that it's me they're complaining about lmao but. it usually passes pretty quick. and tbf i don't feel that i see a lot of it on the dash anymore

it also probably kinda helps that i'm not. or at least i don't think i'm that heavy of a presence on the dash either, not these days, so it's easy for me to assume whatever post i see isn't about me

on the flipside i kinda hate that it's even A Concept at all bc i'm constantly trying to figure out if my posts veer into it!! bc most people don't like vague posting, which is understandable. and i don't want to irritate anyone XD;; or make them Nervous. it's easy enough for me to kinda shimmy past that sorta insecurity when i spot vague posts, but there's probably plenty others who aren't so lucky and will get Stuck and overthink. there's a lot of posts i write up and then. delete bc i'm scared it falls into vague posting or that it might be taken that way orz

case in point: me squinting at my answer for the first question here wondering if it's too harsh or specific

What’s one thing that other people seem to hate that doesn’t bother you?

oh i feel like there's a lot but off the top of my head it's reblogging posts that aren't RP memes from me instead of the source. it very honestly makes me feel kinda sad when someone reblogs an aesthetic post or a musing or Anything Else from The Source instead of me orz and i know that's silly and probably makes no sense

idk if it's that i'm some kinda old school or something but it's always been a sorta happy Ping for me when followers find posts they like on my blog and reblog them. i start to feel a little Invisible?? perhaps? when it's just a trickle of likes on reblogged posts (if that) followed by spying the same post on the dash but reblogged from the source

and realistically of course i know it Shouldn't-- like in the former's case it's obvious my blog is where they saw the post so i'm clearly not invisible. but it still just ends up feeling a bit lonely for me, haha ;;

i've also never personally had trouble finding my replies in my activity page, even when i had a popular* blog, but that doesn't necessarily mean no one else does or has

[dr1ggles]

For anyone who's looking for good, well written saiouma stories ;)

Finished Long Fics:

Second Chances - Post Game fic where the game was virtual reality and everyone lives. Shuichi goes back to his apartment only to realize he had a roommate pre-game; Kokichi. VERY good highly recommend, it seems very boring at first but it's fucking HILARIOUS and very much slow burn. 10/10

Therefore you and me (as a result of living, as a result of dying): HONESTLY MY FAVORITE FIC EVER. it is post-game and everyone lives but throw in all their trauma (ACTUALLY realistically) and that Team Danganronpa is forcing them into their rehabilitate facility and absolute major angst and voila. the energy this fic gives me is to DIE for but im a slut for angst. emotionally damaging, indeed. 100/10

our deal: in-game fic where when kokichi stops shuichi in the virtual world in chapter 4 when he asks him to partner up, except shuichi says YES. this entire fic gives me anxiety and also makes me kick me feet like im delulu. character study + introspection are by far my FAVORITE ao3 tags. 12/10

Reaching: in-game alternate universe fic where kokichi, the mc, is stuck in a loop. whenever he dies, he wakes back up in the locker. OMG THIS ENTIRE THING IS SO GOOD. there's a twist with shuichi that you will NOT see coming. out of pure encouragement i will not say anything more abt this fic. 600/10

Deceit - The Phantom Thief: predictably, a phantom thief AU where shuichi, a detective, takes on the impossible case of the notorious phantom thief! i've read a lot of phantom thief stuff, but this one has a very solid plot line and HORRIBLY slow romance. like, the world seemed like it was going to end before they confessed. literally. 25/10

Sending Postcards from a Plane Crash: another slow burn fic bc im a whore for internal torture. basically the v3 cast survives a plane crash and are isolated on an island. they need to find a way off, but there are some strange irregularities on the island. like polar bears! (it's a tropical island.) everyone is characterized pretty well, but kokichi isnt villainized for the most part, which i like a lot. 10/10

I Reach Out My Hand, Yet He Doesn't Take It: OH. MY. GOD. if i said the other ones were emotionally damaging, this fic takes it to the NEXT FUCKING LEVEL AHAHA. this.... hurts :') but in a good way i think. another post-game fic where everyone survives except this time danganronpa wasn't a game show and the other two games plots were actually happening. it's SO GOOOOOD. and sad. pls read it.

Porcelain Parasite: i havent actually finished this one, but it's a royal AU where shuichi basically gets sold by his parents to kokichi's parents, who are like royal people. and kokichi is kinda weird bc i think he gets cursed by junko. not sure ahaha. ITS GOOD THO. some of the parts scared the heebie jeebies outta me. had me scared for their lives actually. if you like stuff like this its the only fic of its saiouma kind that's written well 👍

Temptations: VERYYYY smut heavy, so if you're not into that i don't recommend this. but if you are.... this is where you belong, brothers. it's in-game and kind of enemies to lovers at the beginning, but shuichi doesnt take very long to move past "hating" kokichi LMAO. very angsty.... and sad. my heart breaks consistently while reading this </3 definitely and owie fic but still very very good. 58388583/10

lies (and how to unravel them): TW for eating disorders throughout the entire fic- like it's the main focus. it was kind of hard to read for me bc it was so well described. shuichi is the one struggling with an ED, and while saiouma is a part of the fic, its main point is his struggles rather than him and kokichi. 10/10 but if you're sensitive to that kinda jazz, i dont recommend this

Sexy Singles in Your Area: the entire first three chapters of this fic is just entirely second hand embarrassment. im talking the worst second hand embarrassment of my LIFE out of all the shows ive seen and books ive read. its so bad fhejgj. it's a very funny and cute fic but also shuichi is DUMB. dumb dumb dense and dumb. also, it has a bunch of angst. cute but angsty. i would say its relatively light however. kokichi is characterized very well, which makes it even better <3 10/10

Everyone's Killing Reality: it's everything you want and more. in-game saiouma where the author changed a bunch of things from the danganronpa game that fucking SUCKED ASS. this is so good bc it satisfies my poor saiouma heart while also making the plot simultaneously stronger. this fic is canon idc what anyone says. 1000000/10

Coastline Massacre: solider au that gave me a bajillion heart attacks while reading it. THIS MADE ME CRY. A LOT. just thinking abt it is making me sad holy shit. 40/10 but oh my GOD beware of the goddamn PAIN you will feel while reading this.

Stay With Me: omg a fic without angst?!?! and a lot of smut. if it isnt angsty its sex. real tears. very fluffy and smut heavy (and its GOOD). 15/10

Dawn Again on this Vibrant and Violent Night: literally just finished this read. OH. MY. GODDDD. i know im obsessing over everything else on this list but by far this is the best one. so fr rn!! the way this person writes is ASTONISHING. the plot had me on the edge of my seat the whole time, plot twist after twist, i SCREAMED at a few of them. its very much plot heavy and focuses on kokichi and shuichi, and it's also ingame. kokichi is characterized to PERFECTION, and im very picky abt how other people write kokichi. i was on the verge of tears throughout the second half of this not bc it was sad, but bc how well the tension was written and laid out. GEHAHFJD IM. I LOVE THIS FIC. MY WHOLE HEART <33 199293848757585885/10

Finished Short Fics:

i consider "short" to be from 10,000 words to 70,000 words. so 😍

you've got the right to remain right here with me: phantom thief au where kokichi is looking for a new roommate to live with (cuz his dumbass got evicted). but kaede hooks him up with shuichi, the detective who is actively chasing his case. so now kokichi is living with him and somehow avoid getting caught <3 all my heart, angsty and fluffy, SO ADORABLE OMG. pls read its worth it

arisama, arisama: in-game alternate plot where instead of the time limit as the motive, it's the despair disease. kokichi has the gullible disease and i find it fucking hilarious. kinda bittersweet ending but its still cute— i would say light angst.

Where the Music Meets the Ocean: again i think this is light angst but some may disagree— alternate universe outside of the killing game where kokichi finds out that shuichi is some sort of mermaid thing- IDK it was never specified exactly what he was. but yeah its very cute and kokichi is a bit of a reckless dummy

Searching for Redemption: in-game universe where no one actually dies for the sack of saiouma and nothing else, there's no real plot logic, but not in a bad way. it starts out smut heavy but gets kinda angsty/fluffy, so i highly recommend it lol. also by one of my favorite ao3 authors 😍

Unextinguished Embers: ok im very much used to plot twists and what not, but the plot twist in this made me SCREEEEEAM. genuine shock. this is a fantasy AU where The Tragedy was about Junko being a sorcerer and basically giving sorcerers a bad name bc she was evil. they were all eradicated except.... one (its kokichi spoiler). shuichi meets him and OOPS you'll have to read it yourself ;P ITS SO GOOD PLS

Pirates of the Caribbean: Vault of the Pirate Lords: if you like pirates and Johnny Depp then you will def like this. it's kinda based off the movies but not really, it has a different plot line. shuichi is the governor's kid and kokichi is a pirate- kokichi kidnaps shuichi but for some dumbass reason he's enthusiastic abt it???? like why are you excited to be kidnapped. weirdo!

Unfinished Fics:

now i don't normally read unfinished stuff but im running out of content 😭😭 send help

fool me twice: alternate universe au where shuichi's ex from high school is kokichi, and now they're both 22 and working at the same place and shuichi is STILL a bitch abt him and kokichi's history. unfinished but so far it's pretty damn good. kokichi and shuichi are so perfectly characterized it's maddening

that's all for now but PLEASE if you have something not on this list that i can read TELL ME. i've read every finished long-fic on ao3 and even wattpad at this point. begging so hard

[bookinit02]

HI HELLO GOOD EVENING

I'm dead tired bc I got barely any sleep last night + braindead because I've spent the past several hours binging through your Stranger Things Byler retelling and I'm a bit out of words, HOWEVER. It finally clicked in my head that you have a tumblr and I, also having a tumblr, can use said tumblr to throw my appreciation upon you in a more direct manner.

On that note... the retelling is AMAZING and I love it so very very much!!! (I've also been leaving a whole stream of comments on the fic itself, so a lot of my feelings have already been described in detail there XD). It makes me feel so very many emotions, both good AND bad, and for a fic to trigger THAT MUCH of an emotional reaction in me is really an achievement. It's so beautifully sad and tender and joyous and realistic, and all the more painful for it—and all the more beautiful IN that pain. I haven't actually been a big active part of the Stranger Things Fandom (TM) for several years, but I still often return to Byler fics, sort of like a comfort blanket in story form—and yours are some of the BEST (I think it was also you that wrote one of my favorite ever painting scene fix-its; I'll have to go back and re-read that as well!!)

I started reading season 4 last night (which is in part to blame for my lack of sleep) and finished up the rest of it today. I'm so extremely excited for season 5 and to see what you've done with it—I already started reading the script for episode one and it looks amazing (god, I bet that Mike having a panic attack/Vecna episode hurts WAY more in prose)!!! I can't decide between reading all the script first, then reading the fic; or reading the script episodes and then reading the according fic chapters; or just barreling on ahead in the fic and coming back to the script if it strikes my fancy later (which is, if I'm being honest, the most likely outcome). All will have to wait til tomorrow, however, as I have dinner and a warm bed to get to. All the love to you and your fic!!

(Love how I said "I'm so braindead I've run out of words" and then proceeded to give evidence to the EXACT OPPOSITE claim. I'm really a bit like Mike lmao, even if I'm struggling to actually describe my specific emotions or feelings about something, I can run my mouth about any old thing for ages XD)

hi hello good morning!!! i have been watching ur comments come in with so much joy and happiness—hopefully i get time to respond to all of them within the next few days! i hope that you have gotten so much rest and that you are all refreshed for the next day🫂💗

thank you so much for all your kind words, in this ask and otherwise! the rewrite is really a labor of love that has been sustaining me for over a year now, and it is always so impressive and awe-worthy to me when new people discover it and start from the very beginning. that is SO much to read!! several novels worth!

as for the script, read it in whatever order you would like! my recommended order was originally to read the script first, then the fic chapters—but i know that some people want to experience the plot twists and developments as they happen, so really any way you decide to read it is completely fine! the byler scenes are all the same (with a bit extra in the fic), it’s really just the other characters and plot lines that are expanded.

thank you for “running your mouth,” as you’ve called it—but i prefer to think that we’re just chatting🥳 i really love interacting with people through both comments and asks, so feel free to do both (and to talk as long as you’d like)! i am super grateful and honored that you’ve chosen to read my story, and i hope that you enjoy what i have so far of season 5!!💗🫂

[anaalnathrakhs]

if i might rationalize my previous struggles and feelings of inadequacy a little more, basically everything i've learned is:

1)People will compliment and hype me up on principle, bc I did something smart in the past, even when I'm actively failing

(unmistakable, type

"I did nothing this schoolyear"

"Oh no don't say that you're doing plenty enough"

"No, literally, I havent opened the package with the textbooks and clocked zero assignements."

"You're not giving yourself enough credit!"

and that wasn't because i was being self-flagellating or something, just stating it, trying to share my struggles)

2) Any attempt at being realistic and measured and/or not a huge self-aggrandizing asshat about good results is being treated as if I'm a poor sad little baby who doesn't even know how genius I am. Poor little baby without self-esteem. You're soooooo much better than everyone else you should be soooooo proud.

Which is sweet I guess, but completely misguided. And not very helpful for trying to set ambitious but reasonable expectations for myself.

3) In general, every time I express I'm struggling with either understanding the material, or making myself work correctly, it's met with "but you're soooooooo smart" SHUT UP good memory for trivia is not a skill transferrable to everything and anything. No attempt at meeting me halfway, just instant supposition that this is a self-esteem problem and what I really need is being reassured that I'm actually effortlessly smart, obviously, why would I ever be anything else. The most reassuring perspective in the entire world of course.

End result, I have no idea what to think of my results, and I don't even care any way. I mean. I die inside if I'm not top of the class 20/20 above the class average in every possible metric, but at the same time I don't even feel anything. Vague creeping sense of disappointment whatever happens.

Most people I've talked to about my results before seem to think it's perfectly fine to base my current self-esteem and expectations on being designated the GOAT of elementary school bc the teachers saw I read big books and didn't know how to manage a probably neurodivergent kid. When actually I struggled with many aspects of schoolwork and many subjects.

So. I don't know. All of my friends we call each other stupid. It's a much easier baseline to live up to.

[jackienautism]

fave moments from the beta pt 1 bc i had to split it in half for tumblr's sake. ranges from parts i find funny to parts i find interesting to parts i feel are crucial to a character's development / characterization

all clips uploaded by digital preservation on youtube

reasoning as to why i included clips under cut:

1: HELLACIOUS? WHAT?

2: i like how jess floats for a sec

3: sam in the beta is just so much .... different than what we got dfjkgfg and i honestly think thats more of a good thing. there are just times where im like ...... wow. the current game's sam would NEVER say that. or maybe she would! i dont know! but in my interpretation of sam, she wouldn't call emily a bitch literally to her face jkdfgfjg i was SO shocked hearing her say that the first time i watched chapter 2. if anything, i can see her being cruel and shit behind people's backs....similar to what emmamountebank has talked abt in terms of sam's potential flaws... so im interested that they sort of played into that theory in the beta. but imo i just. i can't see sam being MEAN yk? yeah sure she can be sarcastic and shit but downright rude? i just... i can't see it. not after everyuthing she's gone through. and it seems like in the beta sam wasnt meant to be hannah's best friend? i could absolutely be wrong though.

i like how this already establishes emily and jess' "rivalry," meaning you dont need to wait for the lodge fight to occur. which seems to happen regardless in this version of the beta. plus based on this version's intro / prologue, their past friendship wasn't established. so that's one thing im definitely glad they added to today's game

EATING UP HOW EMILY CALLS SAM SWEETIE LOL prob more so done in a derogatory sense here but she also calls matt sweetie later soooooooo

ALSO I LIKE HOW THIS SCENES SETS UP FOR EMILY + SAM DISCOVERING JESS' BODY IN THE MINES..... ITS A TOTAL CONTRAST TO THIS MOMENT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME

4: once again!!! sam's being so mean!!!!!! sjfksdfb LIKE CHRIST..... adn idk abt everyone else butin the beta it really like...... nicely shows the rift in the group? like. it demonstrates the group's dynamic w/ each other veeeery well. and most of it isn't really positive dfkjgfdg its like theyre all putting up an act... which is def realistic (i see it everyday at work) but it's just..... it's sad. bc theyre meant to be an established friend group right? maybe in this version of the game they wouldve dove deeper into how the night hannah + beth disappeared rly affected everyone... sam being mean is def interesting but if they stuck w/ this sam i honestly dont think i would've gotten AS attached to her.

as i just talked about with jess / emily, its interesting seeing these moments between em and sam bc! look at how they get along and work together later in the game! it's so cool to me

5: LOVE HOW ASHLEY JUST. WHOOOSH

6: interesint insight into both hannah and beth. something i wouldn't have known playing the game we have today

7: liked how it showed the dynamic between chris and josh... also love how josh says "THANK YOU CHRIS"

8: FAVE. I LOVE YOU JESS. SOMETHING ME AND BROTHER WOULD SAY TO EACHOTHER FR also love how she says "thank you!"

9: i love jess' dumb lines so much jess riley i love you

10: he's right though. why the fuck would there be a photo of the keys just sitting there

11: I LOVE WHAT THEY DID W/ BETA EMILY SOOOOO MUCH. I LIKE HOW THEY INCLUDED MORE OF THESE MOMENTS TO SYMPATHIZE AND SHIT W/ HER..... plus it rly adds to her character and whatnot! em seems soooo much less bitchy in this version. i wonder whatmade them change :/

12: ok 1. why was matt about to tell a joke dfklgnfg i kind of want to hear it now and 2. love how em is just "you are NOT making me feel safe rn" also i rly enjoy their banter... its so much more of them actually having a conversation and talking rather than em being MEan. still wondering why thye decided to make em so mean in todays version

13: em dfkgndfg you are so ridiculous. i love emily's dumbass lines in the beta

14: wasnt expecting the minecarts to come from that way. emily almost got HIT

15: that's usually what bite marks mean yes emily<3

16: i just like how chris says that dgnkfg

17: self explanatory. id be pretty terrified too seeing a man w/ white eyes t posing at me like that

18: WHO TALKS LIKE THIS!!!! EMILY I LOVE YOU

19: I ALWAYS LOSE IT AT THE "HEE HAW!" DLKFGNKDJBG

20: i LOVE how chris sounds so much more..... scared. for josh. and how he sounds so. like just. all around scared. and the line about them leaving him out there would just be like them killing him themselves is sooo good. it's so much more than the stupid ass "im supposed to be his best friend!" bullshit. this scene is just so much better. it shows how much more chris cares

21: him mentiuoing that cartoon thing is so funny to me fdjkgdfjg

22: same thing as 20 pretty much!

there were a few things i wanted to add from chapter 4 but for whatever reason it wouldn't let me download the video ):

[welcometogrouchland]

ok a curveball: manny/camila or caleb/evelyn

"curveball" both these couples are canonically married anon /j

Jokes aside BOTH OF THESE SLAP AND ARE HIGHLY UNDERRATED, ESPECIALLY MANNY AND CAMILA!

A for Caleb and Manny: Like, Camila and Manny's nerd4nerd romance is so sweet, so highschool romcom-esque, it's so incredibly fluffy, until you remember that Manny fucking died. Of a terminal illness. And like. You can tell how much Camila loves him by the way his things still litter the house. They are so incredibly sweet and sad to me and tbh as much as I joke about other ships w/ Camila (hiiiii darimila <3) realistically, I know that she is never really going to get over Manny. Not in an unhealthy way, just. He was her first and only love, and the joy he brought to her life is something that only Luz can even come close to replicating (Luz brings joy into her life in a similar but distinct and unique way, btw)

And Caleb and Evelyn...OUGH CALEB AND EVELYN

A+ and they only score higher bc of the weeks following and leading up to thanks to them where I was physically incapable of being normal about them. It was fucked up they had a GRIP on me

I'm much more settled about them now and I'd say that currently they leave me torn. Not on what we actually know- the tragedy of their relationship, the idea that they both represented a form of freedom to the other with their shared cardinal motifs, the way they've massively impacted the narrative and the lives of everyone in it and yet most of the world will never know their names, and yet you wonder if they'd be content with that so long as the couples and heroes of the modern era can be free and happy in a way they never got to be- that's all spectacular. Rich with potential and depth.

It's about what we don't know and whether or not I even want it explored in canon. On the one hand, yes, obviously, I want spin-offs and post-hoots dedicated to unlocking their past and telling us everything about them as people and their dynamic with each other.

On the other hand, I almost prefer the autonomy over their story that the fans have gotten. We don't have the constraints and considerations of the crew so we get to run buckwild! Personally I love the idea of Caleb and Evelyn meeting under false pretences, I love some lies and betrayals and some drama and then some making up and living together and oops! They're boning now! And oops! He's dead now. Literally this is riveting to me.

But the crew only has so many minutes to tell this story in, and has age ratings and audiences to consider. They probably wouldn't be able to give it the nuance and horror it deserves. So I think, in the end, as much as I wanna know what Dana thinks went down, I'm also content to keep exploring them in a mostly fannish context <3

Sorry the witteclaw section is so much bigger than the Nocedas section, they just have a lot more ambiguity to mine. I'll end this by saying though that I would actually sell my soul for on screen Manny content, in any sort of capacity. I NEED to know how he paralleled Luz, and maybe even Eda, how he kept that bright cheery smile we always see him with despite the undoubted hardship and pain he was going through, how proud he'd be of how far Luz and Camila have both come, how happy he'd be at the idea that his families grown with the addition of vee and maybe even hunter, how glad he'd be that his daughter and wife never lost their spark. I have to stop now or else I Will Cry

[somewhereinthepines]

hi hi! been curious about .. will you ever write a non-murder hector?

i suppose, i might do it at some point? but then, if i’m being completely honest, i kinda dig the canonical hector / du’met’s attire the most. *twirls fingers together* so in a way, it’s not easy for me to separate his murderous intent from him completely. in the back of my mind, i will always make a mental note about how it's smth, that he's capable of.  

besides, i generally love deeply nuanced characters. their mental struggles & misery is a good food for my brain. and their flaws are usually very precious to me. i tend to play into it vs making the characters overcome it. i usually don’t make my favs better, than they really are. in fact, i often make them give into their worst traits/impulses, bc it’s the most fun for me.

i’m also not the kind of author, who writes good-natured ‘fix it’ stuff tbh. many things (media), that i like on this acc are tied up to a narrative, that is written to be both disturbing & tragic. so instead of giving the characters a ‘happy ending’, i just try to give them smth nice in the middle of all the mess. or just make their situation even more shitty, haha. depending on the idea, that lies in the center of my story, anyways. but in most cases, the final goal isn’t to make the characters get better in some ‘fully healing’ way or smth, but to consider a variation, where they can get what they want without being ‘saved’. naturally, it can differ in the level or in how far the narrative can go with it, but in the end, i kinda love ‘fixing’ smth very messed up & sad in canon by changing the tone, rather than overwriting everything.

and when it comes to hector, i’m very enamored by the possibility of him still having charlie’s love, even when it’s all gone too far & he can no longer turn back. i mean, if charlie can accept hector munday like that, at his very worst, then what else can hector realistically ask for? this is the maximum level of devotion, that someone can show to a person. sticking with them, even when everything goes awry & wrong. charlie isn’t there to act as hector’s savior. he’s smart enough to know, that he can’t truly change him at that point. but maybe, he can make it easier & offer him a distraction. a hand, that doesn’t chastity or punish, but that keeps one grounded. 

i guess, what i’m saying is that it’s easy to imagine charlie being in love with hector munday, who’s just well, a sad, lonely dude with a traumatic past. but it’s more thrilling for me to imagine charlie, who would still love hector, even when he poses as granthem du’met. their canonical dynamic is predator/prey, after all. and i rarely see it being executed in tasteful ways in the media, so starting from the demo of the game, i was just like ooooh, that’s so pretty & intriguing. their first meeting made my heart go doki-doki lol. so like maybe, this is also why i’m kinda mentally unwilling to fully let go of this imagery? it was more, than i could have hoped for. and then, i’m historically weak in my knees for captor/captive stuff, when it’s done ‘right’. and now, i have one of such kind and it’s supermassive too! *girly giggle* for me, it’s like a present on bd tbh. i'm so happy to unwrap it.

but honestly, it’s a mere personal pref. a whim. and nothing stops me from eventually giving hector a story, where everything goes more smoothly and somewhat ‘normally’ for him. well, to a degree. so at some point, maybe i will write smth like that. but atm, all ideas that i have for du’lie are tied to du’met being a murder. the themes & visuals that it implies are very appealing for me, when it comes to the horror genre, and i’m a simple fella. i just do what feels ‘natural’ to me. 

sorry for a long answer, i guess, i just wanted to kind of explain my current view on this topic. everybody depicts things differently, and tbh, this fandom offers a fair share of different outlooks on du’met & charlie. and thankfully, there are a few authors/creators, who provide fics with set-ups, where hector is just a man with issues. so it’s not like this au doesn’t get covered. 

as for me, i’m a weirdo who tends to play in their own sandbox. so at times, if the wind blows, i might write smth unexpected, but well…usually, there is still a murder or some disturbing stuff looming in the background lol. i have very little understanding of 'naked' gentleness or pure fluff, or like…well, just nice things being nice without smth surrounding it, like a slowly closing fist. so usually, i just sit on side, watching how other folks do it. so this isn't like i don't like those set-ups. i'm just isn't the person, who can easily conjure smth like that, haha.

[synonymouswithanonymous]

opinion....alcoholism? 😂😂

As always skip if uninterested.

So let me get this straight...a few drinks here and there means he's an alcoholic....?😂😂

Drinking isn't taboo or unenjoyed in Denmark.

We rarely see images of them drinking but if we do they're on vacation, at a vineyard, bday parties, work events, insert random pic of drinking wine during *gasp* the "holiday season" etc. Where drinking socially is normal.....where were these claims during Vikings and the many very very drunk pub pics? Oh wait it's only a problem now bc he isn't single anymore, and it has to be his GF's fault LOL! 😂

Having a glass of wine whether it's for an evening drink, pairs well with dinner, etc notwithstanding bc haters want to pretend that he's changed or an alcoholic now besides being "creepy, dumb, immature" etc. Bc he got a GF. Lol this is ridiculous.

He used to definitely show himself drinking more, I've posted several videos to counter the whole "she posted a drunk video of him, it's bad and she's ruined his reputation as an actor." Really? 😂😂 look at his past posts, see him chug a beer on a boat with malte before jumping into the water.  See him lift another dude on his shoulders to do a shot. All pre-gf, and he was drinking a beer at a festival with a girl on his lap post Rikke 2018 reboot lol.  I made a dating history post awhile back. He's PROMOTED that green can of danish or german beer for so long I thought he was legit advertising for them (he might have been lol). Besides its the holidays, it's not taboo, who goes to a vineyard and says no to their wine? Nobody that wants to go to a vineyard that's who!! Lol

I definitely agree he now drinks LESS on camera than he used to, not that what he does isn't normal or something. Just we do get less since he's gotten older and matured.

Nothing seems topsy turvy at all, just an adult man behaving like an adult man. Having fun, and enjoying a glass of red, with his red 💕, during the holidays. If anything it seems he's evened out more now that they're together. They look happy and healthy to me!

But no of course the go to response is somehow, misogyny imo, is that JM is bad and their hater world would be perfect if he was sad and alone again. And any imagined story they come up with is also her fault. 🙄🙄 who based in reality thinks the only time she gets to post is when he's tipsy? I mean really? They don't look tipsy on Christmas day. Plus most of their couples photos alcohol isn't visible, unless you think when she posts life updates it's all from the same day? 😂😂😂😂 edited bc not sure where they're at, lol could be his family home, could be her family's home, could be at the beach still!! Who knows as long as they're having fun! 😊😊

The most common beverage I see is the green juice or coffee! 😂😂

Smoking is worse, imo, as wine does have some health benefits but I doubt cigarettes do. Lol. His choice though, his lungs!

Maybe people shouldn't be taking the few glimpses we see and turning it into another soap opera fiction story that only exists in their hater mind? Zero evidence that he's anything like an alcoholic. 🙄 and enjoying drinks doesn't make anyone an alcoholic. Please realistically think before diagnosing strangers with anything.   What you want to start more rumors about him online bc the racist/mocking the disabled with his eyes crossed false assertions and other shite didn't stick? It feels like grasping at all kinds of straws or any straws at all to punish him with made up stories, for being happy, and finding love with an awesome talented and gorgeous LADY. I thought these were the same people worried about his reputation? They sure do seem to be trying to straight up attack him and his reputation (hers too) in any way they can think of to do damage. 😂😂

[zibbienibbles]

🩷 Thought dump 🩷

Holy shit, I just started reading Only the Brave by Solmussa and I'm so excited!!!! I read You Signed Up For This earlier this summer, like maybe two months ago? And I had no idea that it was by the same author! I've heard OTB's title before, like mentioned in lists of the best/it marauders fics, but I hadn't actually heard much about it? Like I knew it was dark, sad, and dramatic, but I didn't realize that it's set in canon... like not really bc everyone lives and the plot points are different... but like, the death eaters, war, hogwarts, it's all based in canon material!

I've just stopped reading All the Young Dudes (for now, I'll explain). I got through 151 out of 188 chapters before I just couldn't do it anymore :( It was getting too depressing... Life in general has been pretty depressing this summer, and reading is my escape from all of that. I had so much fun with ATYD until they finished at Hogwarts. Well, it had kind of been creeping in through their 6th and 7th years too, to be honest. ATYD is beautifully, and more importantly, realistically written. Literally cannot praise MsKingBean89 enough bc wow. But, the war is just depressing, not exciting. There're no action packed fight scenes, no one having illicit love affairs, it's just... real. Reading ATYD was making me more depressed tbh. The sense of unease, that sinking feeling of dread... it wasn't really an escape for me anymore. I'd really like to go back to it one day, though! I'm super invested in the story and the characters within the context of the narrative, and I know tragedy is coming but it's worth it for the story, right? It will be, but not right now! I'm moving on to something with a bit more life :))

I'm excited for OTB because it's got Hogwarts, the war, etc., but also everyone's getting down w each other and the relationships are written as dramatically as in Crimson Rivers. Or at least I assume that's what it'll be like... As I said, I read YSUFT a couple months ago and loved it. It was infused with crack I stg. It was super light hearted for the most part, but it still had this larger than (real) life soap drama feel? If that makes sense??? So, a story that's super dramatic with life or death consequences and real danger? Oh, this is gonna be so good.

Also, one of the biggest selling points for me, Regulus is the main character!!! He's so me. Even though we're totally nothing alike, but no, no, we're the same person actually. Regulus is my favourite character, not just out of marauders era characters, but for the past four months he's been my favourite ever. I love him. I love him. And I really loved the way that Solmussa wrote him in YSUFT. I think this is part of the reason I'm moving on from ATYD, bc Regulus is for the most part not in it at all :(. And I totally get that! ATYD stays (mostly) really close to the original canon lore outlined in the Harry Potter books, and in that, Regulus is a magical nazi. Like, he sucks fr. It's still great and mildly redeeming that he sacrifices himself to destroy a horcrux, but I'm not going to pretend that he didn't subscribe to the death eater's values for the majority of his life. I don't believe for a second that he actually hated being a Black and a death eater for his entire life. Like yes, tons, heaps of trauma, and he didn't have a way out like Sirius did with James, but I don't think that changes the fact that in canon Regulus wasn't a good person. Not evil, either, but I acknowledge his wrongdoings. Fanon Regulus on the other hand... our souls are one and the same, argue with the wall. So, I'm moving onto a story that's still kinda set in the canon environment, but with Regulus as the mc and lots of dramatics.

I'm so excited lol

[suchsaccharine]

I feel I am in a stalemate. He has shown me and told me that he's not going to try to improve himself or his relationships with me and ___ by seeing a therapist just once even, of course not ..bc there nothing wrong with him. He told me straight up, this is what I'm offering you, nothing more, if you don't like it then figure it out and leave.

Today is the 3 yr anniversary of finding out i can't have kids (naturally, realistically.) and I'm getting my period tmrw and I am struggling so bad with $ so bad my bank account is about to overdraft and I have nothing coming in to look forward to rn. Anyway today I cried and my body hurt and I developed tensions headache that turned into a migraine and I never had one before. It was so bad. And my back is fucked and I'm crying all emotional about everything. My grandma, ___’s baby pics that are lost from my drives suddenly -don't ask I can't talk about it but idk what or how it happened. I saw them not long ago and now everything from exactly Feb 'xx-May 'xx is GONE. I'm devastated to say the v least-, my baby I won't have, having to plan Christmas rn around how sad everyone is about my grandma...like they are allll fucked up in Ohio. I have to go see them. Bf is taking me and ___ for Xmas for 3 days. I told bf this evening .... (hang on I'm gonna c&p a twt I posted to I don't retype.. here..) I said "I am proud of myself for getting thru the past 2.5+ months bc it was grueling work everyday just staying alive… it was so heavy I just started blocking things out entirely the week before finals. But I made it. And I didn’t feel like I would/could.. (2/2) I told my bf exactly what I just posted and his response was to put his face into the back of the couch and start falling asleep until I made the bed for him to lay on w a pillow over his head. Nice. I am completely dumbfounded. I feel like I am an idiot… I am so publicly dumb."

He said that I said a lot and he didn't know what to say and I said that's fine and then he hasn't spoken to me since except to answer "no" when I ask if I said something wrong out there.

I just need more emotional support than he can even detect. How did I end up so entwined with someone so emotionally undeveloped? How did I not see? He tried to control me and I put my foot down and then he tried turning on ___ and I again put my foot down and told him that this isn't working and I will do what's best for ___. He told me that he's not changing his parenting or anything at all so if I don't like him then I need to decide on that. I do like him I just don't like certain things. Some that you can change, like parenting style. Others not as easily, like learning to feel compassion and how to hold space & grace in good faith. How to be there when someone is sad. How to silently be there but not ignore them. I think that I love him but I also think that I will always find myself unfulfilled and resentful that he cannot or will not be there for me emotionally. He no longer has the role of step parent. It probably seems mostly the same to ___ but bf doesn't make any decisions at all. I told him we need to agree or compromise and if no compromise can be had, then we default to what I want. He said no it's all you now. If it's all me then...we're putting on a show for ___. We aren't cohesive. He said he stands by his methods and is unwilling to change that or compromise, so he is like ..resigning? I need some real money and fast. I need a house for ___ and my cats and where I can get ___ a dog. I need a job that pays enough while I also finish school... I probably realistically need to go to the gym for real and stop eating carbs and processed food and get back into sex work. I can't dance cause of my back but I know how to make more money anyway. I can do it. I can do this. I can leave someone I love because they don't have the tools to be there for me in ways I need it most.

I don't need anyone else. I can make my own money. I can pay my own bills and fix my own teeth and maintain my own car.. I can.

[cheegu3]

I ABSOLUETLY LOVED YOUR ENHA THE GLORY SEIRES!!!

I loved how you gave your thoughts in the end about everything & the ending was not what I had expected at all, but I still do love it, I really loved how in most series some authors would have made the ending a bit more well winning (?) like Y/N's mom would be fully healed, all her bullies would go to jail, all that. I love how you kept it more realistic because like you said, they are all high schoolers after all & even though Y/N didn't completely get justice she did get a happy ending in my perspective. She was free from her bullies & even though her mom did die, she still had someone by her side, I feel like that's what Y/N had always wanted, freedom & friends, someone to be by her side when she needed them. I also loved how you didn't turn Y/N into a heartless person just because of revenge, like when Jake was dying, even though he & his friends had done some horrible things to her, she still saved him. Some other people would have written Y/N in such a way that she would just leave him dying, I really did like how you changed Jake in the end, I know some people would have gotten mad about that, but when Jake saw that even though he had done so many things to Y/N, she still saved him, it would have made him feel guilty about everything. Although it is hard to accept, even some of the most horrible people can change & I find it really nice that Y/N proposed to keep contact with Jake in the end. I just really loved how you portrayed Y/N in this series. It wasn't unrealistic or the typical 'Y/N' she was relatable in some ways & also showed that everyone, no matter who they are or what they've been through, deserve justice.

I am a little sad that the series is over & I'll have nothing to look forward to on Sundays😔but I'm also happy this is the end😭

I didn't even realize I wrote so much I just started typing all my thoughts😭😭but I'll look forward to reading more of your work in the future & I hope you have an amazing day & your healthy💗

thank you so soooo much, your support throughout the series has been really meaningful and important to me u have no idea !! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

yess I felt like I had to write a note at the end just bc of the ending being a bit '' unusual '' lol. I like it and I hope the majority do as well even tho u can't make everyone happy. I'm happy u thought that she did get a pretty happy ending as well. That's definitely all she wanted, I believe she didn't realize it until she caught feelings for Soobin and even more so towards the end when she realized just how lonely she'd always been; that THAT was way more important than any revenge. 💗

I love that you pointed that out bc I definitely wanted to highlight y/n's inner struggles and whether it's wrong for a victim to make that choice - to leave their perpetrator to suffer or to die, or if they are obliged to help. I feel like it was a super interesting psychological situation and I was super excited to see people's reactions to it. Turns out most people would've saved him, they felt for him in that moment despite his past actions.

Absolutely! He definitely changed because of that one crucial moment. It's hard to see that bc it's not exactly a common situation to be in, where you have a chance to save your bully's life or not. Either way, from my perspective it would change many people to be so close to death. You'd either fear that happening again, maybe connected to a spiritual idea of you being warned of karma or you'd just feel indebted to this person for life. In Jake's case, the debt was changing to show that he truly regretted what he did.

Ohh thank you again, I'm so sorry that this is ending too hun 😭😭. But I will always continue to write and put out more series & content in general related to enhypen, so don't worry. If you have any requests or ideas u can always hop into my inbox !!

Love you too, stay healthy & have a good day too <333 🤍

[no-ctrl]

I wish you were still my person but realistically I really don’t. I am tired of being alone. I hate expressing these feelings because realistically I’m not alone, I have my sister Jessica, I have my mom, I have my best friends Frida and Ruby. I am not alone but I am lonely. I miss having a person to text, someone to share my everyday life events even the most insignificant parts bc to them they won’t be insignificant bc I’m me. I miss having someone to rely on when I’m not 100% I’m tired of holding down my end of the bargain but get less 5% back in return (excluding my people) I am sad. Deep down I just want to be taken care, i want to be looked after, I want to be considered, I want to be valued, I want to be respected, I want to be genuinely and purely loved. Im tired of the hidden agendas or lack of consideration. I want to feel lovable. Im tired of feeling like I have to prove myself. I am lovable just as I am I don’t have to excel at everything and be perfect to be lovable I am enough as I am but some days im surrounded by people that make me feel as if im not. I want to be held. I miss Israel when he genuinely cared about me not the monster of a person he became. He hurt me to deeply in the end. He treated me like I was nothing and body to him. He had no respect to even give me a goodbye. He just ghosted me like we had not been together for nearly 6 years. I can’t help but feel so sad. I stood by his side for all the bad yet he could not give an ounce of love back. Im not even asking for him to be there in the bad time but he could not even give me love when I had none for myself. Instead he exploited that, he took advantage of my lack of self love and used me for his benefit whether tht be for sex, a ride, a free meal. He truly embarrassed me as a person, I am embarrassed that I also lacked so much self love, respect and discipline to stand by a person who did not care to look me in the face while taking advantage of me. I wish there was at least an ounce of remorse in his mind but knowing him there probably isn’t. At the end of the day it’s none of my business what he does or thinks but what I do know is it’s officially 8 months no contact. Soon to be 1 year. I guess if I could say anything to him is I hope you’re well, I’m good health physically and mentally, I wish you luck on your future, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, nothing in your past defines your current life. Respect although it’s all love too please leave me alone forever even if it kills me on the inside. Each day with no contact a piece of my heart dies, the place that hold the space of you. It needs to completely die, you have no place in living in my heart anymore. You don’t deserve space in my big sweet heart. You had it and instead of handling with care you ripped my heart to shreds then laughed in my face as you walked away. You left me and I don’t care how hard you life was bc mine was too but I never let that be an excuse to mistreat you. I don’t care what the reason was bc I deserve to be treated properly not what you did. The most I can do for myself right now is pursue my goals and achieve them for ME! I deserve to succeed in this life. I deserve to defy the odds. Life has put me through a tough walk of life at only 22 years old but I know my purpose in this life is to heal and blossom past the constraints life tries to shackle me in. I’m not defined by you Israel. I’m not defined by what you did to me. I’m not defined by all the terrible things in my past. I’m defined by the beauty I care from within and out. I am meant to shine in this life and I will not be dimmed by a guy. You’re just a guy. I am a humble, intelligent, charismatic, sweet, genuine, loving, thoughtful, considerate, caring person. That’s all me. You don’t just fake those sorts of things, that’s something I care within myself. And if I’m too much for you then you walking away was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Go find less elsewhere but you are no longer welcome in knowing who Jaymee is.

[lenteur]

i missed you moooooooooost <33 thank u my darling 💗 i'm feeling good this week, hoping that feeling lasts :)) you're the sweetest :))

*squishes u* <33

i appreciate your puns always ;) they will always be met with me smiling <33 even if they're bad, i still love them 🌸 i am smh at ur pun but i will look past it bc ily 👀

i love my boo seungkwan 🌱🧡 i love that man a whole looooooot 🥰 nah i can't deal with scoups, he is ADORABLE </3 must......resist......and....not....squish.....his......cheeks..... aaaaaaaa 👀 OH MY GOD I LOVED THAT ONE <33

yes! it's about superman. i can't remember much of smallville but i used to love it :( the first four seasons are great but season five and season six, you're just like wtaf is happening (i still love it tho. it's chaotic) 🌸

yes! i'm halfway through now <33 OKAY SO the murderer is NOT who i think it is!! he is actually super innocent and sweet and i wanna protect him forever <33

my cats were on catnip this evening which was very, very funny <33 toffee was moody and was like um gimmie catnip, mother >.< and luna was practically throwing herself about 😭 we put the catnip inside an old sock and they both were crazy 🤪

lemme just love u forever <33 actually nvm, gonna love u anyway okay? 🥰🥰🥰 i'm so happy their faces make you smile <333 you deserve to be happy 💙🧡💖

hello my love 💖 i've missed you sososososososososo much you have no idea 😭 you're truly the highlight of my days whenever I see you interact with me 💗

you always say i'm the sweetest when i think you're a great competitor 💕 if there ever was a world's kindest sweetest person championship, you'd rank super high 🏆

see when i said you're the sweetest? you're even willing to smile at my worst puns 💞 if that is not a sign of love & friendship, i don't know what is 💓

the bias wreckage is very present in you 💔 i mean same :( scoups was the first svt member to catch my attention back when they debuted. he kind of holds a special place in my heart 💕 and, to be clear, I AM NOT SIMPING FOR THIS DUDE OK?! (why the sudden aggression? i have no idea. maybe i am a bit in denial... who knows?)

now that you said this, that's why i ended up not liking the show :/ the last seasons were too chaotic and nonsense for me lol

wait what?! first of all, i'm glad the m*rd*rer (keeping it pg just in case hehe) was not who you thought. but? super sweet and innocent? wanna protect him forever? i must be honest that shocked me a little when i read that. but then, i went back to our previous message and it helped me understand your feelings a little better.

ah yes catnip and cats are a match made in heather 🤪 (see what i did there? hehe) honestly i miss when i used to have a cat at home :( a lot of craziness but a lot of fun too 💖 so please let me know about your cats' lives 💘

awww :((( you're too sweet :((( you too deserve to be happy ok? you have no idea how bright you shine (like a diamond) (yes my music knowledge is so eclectic and i only listen to underrated artists 🙄)

anyway, as usual, i hope you're having the best day you can have and that you're taking care of both yourself and your cats 🐱🐱 (so sad there aren't customisable cat emojis because i would've created the most realistic toffee & luna emojis jsyk)