#and it makes it SOOOOOO much easier to cope with (which in turn makes it less bad because i dont feel as hopeless after binging ->

[gaycavendish]

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

Soooooo got any angst ideas about the destroyer is your rewrite ? Like him having nightmares or just being trapped in the nether wondering what happen to Irene ? Or his hatred towards the divine warriors even though he actually rightfully mad ?

I greatly appreciate the erasure of Shad's name when talking to me, its a dumbass name

anyways

TW, mentions of violence, using a slightly gory/graphic description to describe physical sensation, typical Shad-convo stuff

What is he if not my angsty boy? My angsty wife, that's what.

Anyways, so my baby, right, he's not got himself a physical form in the nether/the Shadow Abyss (it's just 'the abyss' in LR for aesthetic reasons, the girlies that get it, get it), due to him being like violently murdered to the point his physical body was no longer suitable for life. However, regardless of this, he experiences near-constant phantom pains from every injury he ever sustained, healed or otherwise. Also, being only his own shadow is a very... vulnerable-feeling experience. It would be equivalent to walking around without your skin on, all of your nerves and muscles exposed. Pain. Which provides one very good motivation for someone to, idk, try and gain a physical form to try and stop the agony of your existence. which could lead him to redemption in a very 'i did what i had to in order to survive, just like everyone else' way, but.... idk, i dont know if i want to redeem him. I like how not-a-good-person he is.

Judgement (suprisingly a canon name for him, his actual name in my rewrite, because he's the OG edgelord) is plagued near-constantly with visions. Every Divine has visions of some sort, whether they're clairvoyant, or prophecies, or something. Judge's specifically are of... like... destruction. End of days, mass murders, wars, etc. it's his domain but it doesn't make it any easier to see them. It also means he dreams of his own death on a frequent basis. not fun for him.

Also, he's pretty sure he knows what happened to Irene, he was married to her for a very long time, he knew the kind of person she was. She banished him under the guise of ending all evil, and left to keep up that ruse instead of doing her duty to stay and protect people. He does think about it often, very very annoyed about it. It's another thing that leads him to do what he does. He's wondering just how many people have to die before she's willing to set aside her pride and face him. He never self-reflects on how many people have to die before he's willing to set aside his hatred.

He's spiteful towards the other divine, but he doesn't hate them, not like he hates Irene. I mean he does hate them... just kind of not as much as Irene. The others he expected to turn against him eventually, because his nature was always unfavourable, but she was meant to be his equal, they were both equally as destructive as each other (ironically).

A lot of his existence is more physically painful, he's able to cope with the visions and the bad memories, and the thoughts of 'what if' in his mind by channelling it all into anger, but things start slowly derailing upon him and Aphmau/Avra's first contact, and he doesn't understand why until he realises who she is. From there, he is the mayor of Angst town, population however-many-mcd-characters-exist.

[daz4i]

i'm coping so here have my thoughts. i'm actually brainstorming as i go 😳

i don't think anyone will read this but if you do..... please tell me so i can send you some roses and a ring

to rephrase my tags on the original post. he is. such a bad angel. not in a morality sense but like he's shit at his job (affectionate)

the thing that inspired me here was like a uquiz that mentioned "how an angel loves humanity" which. no. they don't? they're not really allowed to feel, there is a story iirc from the talmud where somewhere before the creation of earth god had to basically kill all his angels and make new ones bc they were feeling too much. angels have a job to do, they are messengers, in some stories they execute god's will in other ways (like causing disasters or otherwise kill or fool humans), they do not feel, and if they care too much about humans they won't be able to do their job.

so naturally i thought about ratio and how nous won't notice him because he cares too much about humanity. which made me wanna do an au inspired by that

i'm thinking he does start out as an angel. his job actually is about helping humans. i think he starts out giving them knowledge and teaching them of god (metatron style, tho not as high ranking lol) but as he goes he feels like. well. this isn't enough. there is so much about the world that they deserve to know, and it would be evil to withhold it from them. so, he chooses to go against god's original wishes, and starts teaching humans of. everything he knows. the good and the bad. he sets aside laws and prayers and instead tells them about the various creatures god created, how water works, how to ward off diseases and make tools to make life easier. (i wanna compare this to azazel but like, minus the horny shit and war stuff lol)

i think. by doing this - helping humans help themselves - he indirectly causes them to pray less, to believe less in god and more in themselves. he thinks that's a good thing. god less so. so, he gets punished

usually my go-to in angel/demon aus is to go wildly off from actual lore but i feel like atp it'd be Wrong. still, i kinda wanna make him a fallen angel (not quite a demon, just. losing his wings/his ability to use them, as well as ofc other angelic abilities like being able to change his visage, and he can no longer enter heaven or view other angels unprotected. for story convenience sake he doesn't age but he's also not quite immortal).

he just lives on earth now, among humans he used to love, but now feels bitter about. most of them no longer listen to him now that they can't tell he's an (ex-)angel. he watches them make foolish choices, start wars, kill needlessly, hurt the innocent. still, he doesn't regret his choices. he knows they have the potential to be better, he's seen it before, he still sees glimpses of it as he lives among them. so he doesn't give up and maintains his original goal. he may no longer be an angel, but that doesn't mean he won't follow what his original orders *should* have been - help humanity.

a bonus detail: he still does wear his plaster head, for a few reasons - 1 he misses the ability to change how he looks, and he gets tired of his own face sometimes, so he hides it 2 as an extension of that, he's also tired of people focusing too much on his looks and not listening to what he has to say. like in canon yeah :P 3 he figured out a way to add some filter to the eyes which does allow him to look at angels in their natural form as well. i feel like he'll still meet up with old friends and it's a good safety precaution in case they forget to turn off their divine light around him lmao

now. since. i can't not do it. and bc i like having some story. this is gonna be rtrn ofc lol. aventurine is a demon tho bc duh. everyone from the ipc is (btw forgor to say, the genius society + some others like sunday are angels). they kinda have to be i mean jade is literally the devil

soooooo idk much about how demons work in judaism tbh. like some of them are just angels who've gone rogue and are now considered demons (i mentioned azazel, for example. he technically never became a demon or smth but he's still perceived as one, which is how it usually goes) but there's also cases like lilith who was just a human god created like he did adam, but she's considered like. the queen of all demons. some kind of just occur naturally, or are monsters that are culturally perceived to be demons? anyway all of this as a tangent to say that this is where i feel like i gotta start making shit up, lore wise. so sorry. there simply aren't enough rules and commonalities for me to follow 😔

i think aventurine would be a case similar to lilith, aka a human who became a demon. he's gone through all the shit he did in canon (but like, tweaked to our world) and he kinda. snapped. i think the despair and the drive for revenge just got to him. and this is where jade found him and their meeting was kind of like in canon but in a different setting - she's impressed with his way of talking himself out of things (and how he was willing to kill to save himself, so his regard to other humans is flimsy enough for her to work with) so she offers him a "job" - make deals with humans. that's all. get them to sign contracts and leave the rest to her. and in return, he can have whatever he wants really, he can live however he wants, he's not only able but even encouraged to sin, just gotta meet a quota of humans falling for his offers per month more or less lol. ofc, he does become immortal, and can't really get hurt by normal means (i have a whole set of rules in my head abt how both his and ratio's immortality works in this au that i may elaborate on later)

he settles into the role. it's not bad. it feels a little dirty sometimes, so he does try to swindle people who have already done bad things, but at some point he also becomes desensitized and stops putting in the effort of making sure he's not hurting innocents. "no human is truly innocent anyway" type of mindset. bitterness over what he's been through as a human, even centuries after it happened. seeking revenge on those who caused it, but they're long dead by now anyway, as far as he knows (👀). he's mostly just tired, and bored of how easy his job is.

that's when he meets ratio - thinking he's a random human, he tries working his charm. this man has something Off about him, but he's hot enough for aventurine to brush it off, and it's not like a human could hurt him anyway. he may as well have some fun before doing his job (gay sex. i'm talking about him having gay sex with him. i mentioned sin didn't i)

but this man immediately clocks him as a demon. he tries to brush it off with "haha, what are you talking about? demons aren't real" but he's sweating bullets bc the accusation felt so sincere, and it didn't seem to come from a religious place. ratio doesn't ask him to back off (beyond "i'm trying to work, leave me alone" maybe) or pulls out a cross on him, he's almost casual about the whole thing, and that scares the shit out of aventurine. but, it also thrills him - finally, an anomaly. not the usual job. someone *different*.

they go on their separate ways before aventurine can actually get anything out of ratio, but he doesn't give up. he tries asking around, gathering more information. he does find out his name, but it won't show up in any database. he learns that ratio has 8 phds (my guy had time to get them :P) but looking him up in any university brings up nothing (he used a pseud for each one. as to not stand out too much. in addition to moving from place to place every couple of years before people notice that he doesn't age)

so aventurine finds himself his own mission, a new goal - to find that mysterious man(...?) and get some answers. and maybe more.

this is all i have for the story so far tbh. i kinda wanna actually write this now lol but i won't, i simply do not have a large enough vocabulary to write ratio's dialogue :P but i'd love to keep writing it like this^ or write small story bits + other characters in this au (i'm already having ideas for robin and sunday actually) to flesh out the world the way i did with bsdlands for example. if anyone would be interested. but also if they weren't bc this is very fun

i may not show it but i have so many thoughts abt dr ratio in my new and fresh angel/demon au that i am simply holding back. to protect you.

[letarasstuff]

Can I stay with you?

(A/N): This is based on this, this and this post. I really hope you are ready for the feels, because they are there and they are heavy-

Summary: Following the events of Emily's death, how will Spencer and his daughter cope with it?

Warnings: Angst and lots of it, mentions of drug use, contemplations of drug use, mentions of needles, we also got some bittersweet fluff

Wordcount: 2.5k

✨Masterlist✨ _______________________________

A hospital is not a place where a child should be, Spencer knows that much. But he picked (Y/N) up on his way for two reasons:

The first one being the simple occurence that the babysitter is not able to keep her any longer, because she has classes in the next morning. The second one is selfish and the father knows that, but he needs her presence, the comfort she brings to him.

“Daddy”, the child breaks the silence in the waiting room, “Is Auntie Emily going to be ok?” She sits in his lap reading a book before looking up at him. Her eyes hold something he wishes to never see again: Fear. The fear of losing someone she loves dearly.

“I hope, Baby. But let’s not forget one important fact: Your Auntie Emily is one of the strongest women I know.” Spencer gives her a kiss on the top of her head and cuddles her closer to him, seeing (Y/N)’s eyes dropping. The rest of the team watches the interaction with aching hearts.

The girl is asleep for half an hour when JJ enters the room. Everybody gets up crowding her. Spencer is careful to not disturb his daughter as he moves her head to his shoulder and hooks his arm under her legs.

“She never made it off the table.” These words echo in the genius’ mind, seemingly being the only things he can think about. “I-I never had the chance to say goodbye.” JJ hugs him, trying to give some sort of comfort. In this process (Y/N) wakes up. As soon as she spots her father’s tears, she knows not to ask a question. Instead she loops her arms around his neck.

“It’s fine. It’s gonna be alright, Daddy”, the toddler recalls the words he says to her whenever she is upset in hopes to cheer him up.

The next couple days are hard on the whole team. They try to grieve together, especially while the funeral takes place. (Y/N) notices that the color black is fitting, since her Auntie really liked to wear it. She likes that they do the same to pay their respects that way.

“Auntie Penny, is she watching?” The blonde woman carries her while the casket is walked down the aisle. Since her death, (Y/N) doesn’t dare to say Emily’s name. She thinks if she avoids it, she is going to inflict less pain when she is talked about.

“Of course. Emily is in heaven and watches this beautiful beautiful ceremony we hold for her. So wipe that frown off and put on that smile she loved so much. Alright?” Confusing to her, the adults want (Y/N) to smile all the time. But they are frowning and crying more often than not.

“Can she hear us? Because I want to say I love her. I forgot to say it the last time I saw her.” Trying to distract herself from seeing the casket lowering into the grave, the girl plays with Penlope’s hair. She in turn has to fight tears back. Only now she realizes the impact the whole thing has on her.

“I’m sure she does. What about when the majority is gone, we go to her grave and talk to Emily? Do we have a deal?” (Y/N) nods.

As soon as the ceremony is over, Spencer takes his daughter, cradling her close to him. As if she senses his sadness, the girl is petting his back in a comforting way. He squeezes her closer to him, leaving her not much room to breathe.

“Daddy, I wanna talk to her. I need to get down.” (Y/N) wiggles in his grasp after she whispers this into his ear. Reluctantly Spencer lets her down and she toddles over to the freshly made grave. A little plastic card sticks out of the grass in place of a headstone.

The adults try to give her as much space as possible, they have to let grieve on her own.

“Hey, Auntie Emily. I-I wanted to say I love you, and I forgot to tell you this the last time so I say it a second time. I love you. And I miss you. I think Daddy misses you too. He is sad since you are gone. I’m too. I think it’s because we miss you. But I hope you like Heaven. Maybe you see my Mommy. When you do, can you say I love her?

“I’ll try to see you soon, Auntie. Goodbye!” (Y/N) goes back to her father and makes grabby hands towards him. Gladly Spencer picks her up again, putting a kiss on her head. “Wanna go home, Daddy.” The child mumbles, exhausted by all the stress and emotions from the day.

The father is relieved to have an excuse to skip the meal with the team. He is scared that the evening at the little restaurant is clouded by sadness and angst. Spencer doesn’t need that right now, a nice sit in with his daughter sounds way better.

After saying their goodbyes the little family sits in the car on their way to the apartment. As soon as Spencer starts the car, (Y/N) is fast asleep. He looks at her through the rear view mirror, happy to see her at peace. It gives the father time to sort through his own thoughts. Since Emily’s death (Y/N) tries to be around him constantly, which he is thankful for, because she keeps the darkness away.

Her last hours play again and again before his eyes. The different ways he could have stopped all of this. Why didn’t he say more when she began biting her nails? When she said “Laura Reynolds is dead”? Maybe all of this is his fault?

His forearm begins to itch. Exactly where Tobias Hankel injected the needle same as he did several times. Maybe, maybe it would make everything better? Just this one tim-

“Daddy? When are we home?” The small voice cuts off his train of thought. Spencer needs a few seconds to clear his mind. Did he really think that? Taking dilaudid while the reason he fought his addiction literally sits right behind him? “Just a few minutes, Sweetheart. Do you want to go to bed after dinner?”

As if she knows that the father can’t be left alone in this state, (Y/N) answers: “No, I wanna watch a movie with you. Can we watch Alvin and the chipmunks? I love Simon so much!” This places a smile on his face, the excitement in her eyes scare his dark thoughts away. “Sure, Peanut. We can watch whatever you want.”

It's the fourth evening in a row that the girl sleeps in her father’s bed. She either falls asleep there or climbs next to him in the middle of the night, so he figures he lets her sleep there right away.

“Good night, Sweetheart”, he tells her as they lay down. Even though it’s quite early for Spencer to go to bed it’s (Y/N)’s time. “Good night, Daddy”, she tells him while snuggling closer, “I love you. Soooooo much.”

The young doctor decides to take the next few days off from work in order to work through the events. The first one he spends coloring in books with her the whole day. While she works on her own books gifted by various members of the BAU, Spencer has his own extra made for adults. He can’t deny the soothing effect it has on him. The repeating moves calms the storm of thoughts inside his head.

The next day the two of them sit the whole day on the small couch in the living room, (Y/N) on his lap, and read. Sometimes they read for themselves, others the father reads outloud from his own or (Y/N) from her own. It’s kind of therapeutic to hear his child doing something he enjoyed his whole life.

“Daddy, do you think she feels lonely in heaven? There is nobody she knows, she has to wait for us to follow her, doesn’t she?” Not prepared for such a deep question, Spencer is caught off guard.

He clears his throat before answering. “Uh, Auntie Emily isn’t that lonely up there, you know. You can’t remember him, but Uncle Gideon, a friend from work and someone I looked up to, is there. He surely greeted her with open arms, happy to see her. And your Mommy is also there, she certainly asked lots of questions about you.” “A-are you sure? I told her to say Mommy ‘I love you’ when she sees her.” (Y/N) looks up to her father with big eyes.

He is not sure if he is lying right now to her, but he sees that his daughter needs the reassurance. “Yes, I’m sure.” To lighten the mood he begins to tickle her, which ends in a tickle fight which in turn ends in tiring the girl out and falling asleep while watching a Disney movie.

The next day is by far the worst since it all happened. Both (Y/N) and Spencer haven’t slept much due to nightmares from both sides (him comforting her as she tears him from his own), which results in a grumpy toddler and a non stop coffee drinking adult.

“Sweetheart, you need to put that shirt on. Auntie JJ is expecting us in ten minutes. Please, stop fighting me”, he begs, but she continues to cry. As Spencer tries for a third time to put it on her (Y/N) throws herself to the other side of the bed.

“I don’t want that, Daddy!” She finally gets out through her sobs. Spencer halts in his movements. “Why? That’s your favorite, Baby.” While (Y/N) begins to cry louder, he leaves the clothing article on the bed and gathers her in his arm, rocking her back and forth additionally to whispering sweet reassurances in her ear.

“She gave it to me. I don’t wanna make it dirty or ruin it”, the toddler says between shaky breaths. For what feels like the trillionth time, the young agent’s heart breaks over this statement. He has a bigger vocabulary than the average English speaking person, but at this moment Spencer is at a loss of words.

“Sweetheart, I apologize for not acknowledging this right away. I’ll get another shirt out for you, ok? Thank you so much for telling and helping me.” Just a few minutes later the little family is on their way to the next metro stop. It’s then that Spencer realizes his day won’t be any easier.

“(Y/N) you can sit in the seat next to me like you always do. Why do you have to sit in my lap today?” Normally he isn’t someone who denies his child physical contact, but the seating chart has a logical purpose. Being on a train with a child means you have some kind of luggage with you, which leads to occupying a four seats compartment. In order to prevent somebody taking the seat next to him, Spencer places his daughter there. It’s a win win situation for everybody, really.

Unfortunately for him (Y/N) is extra clingy today and won’t stop crawling onto his lap. With a sigh he accepts his defeat and tries not to think about the amount of germs that fly around.

Another problem that torments the father: Over the last few days his cravings grew. Especially today the feeling, the need, for another shot and another high is undeniable for him. As if sensing this (Y/N) sticks by his side throughout the whole time, keeping his mind off of the drug that changes him.

While they are at the Jareau’s and Lamontagne’s household, his daughter refuses to play with Henry. “I wanna stay with you”, she murmurs into his shoulder. Again Spencer accepts his defeat and sits down on the couch next to his best friend.

“Sweetheart, you need to let me go. I have to go to the bathroom, you can’t come with me.” This is followed by a tsunami of tears. While JJ tries to console her, he slips out of the room discreetly.

Due to (Y/N)’s current grumpiness and Spencer’s fatigue they quickly call it a night, even though he could use some more comfort from his friends.

“Good night, Sweetheart. Sleep tight and dream nice. I love you”, he says after tucking his child in and giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Night night, Daddy. I love you, too”, her small voice echoes back to him and makes him smile softly.

Spencer finds his way back to the living room and sits down with a book in his lap. As expected he doesn’t get much reading done, too distracted by his own thoughts. The events of the night of his colleague’s, his friend’s, death replay themselves over and over again.

What if he made his conclusions faster? He is supposed to be the smart one, the one the team relies on for making important connections. But he failed once so who knows what happens when he fails again? Next time it could be the whole team dying. He could die. He would leave (Y/N) alone with the team gone. His mother isn’t capable of caring for her and his father doesn’t even know she exists. She will go into foster care, into a home with too many kids. She will be looked over, too small to be seen. Her potential will go to waste and she will never achieve anything she is capable of. And all that because he hasn’t made a conclusion fast enough.

Spencer’s scars on his forearm itch worse than ever. One shot. Only one shot to make the thoughts go away. To make the guilt go away, the bad feelings. He needs it. He needs to cure himself from the symptoms of being a human.

Before the young doctor even registers what he is doing he already put his jacket on and looks for his wallet when a voice startles him.

“Daddy, i can't sleep. Can I stay with you again?” (Y/N) stands in the doorway, clutching her stuffed animal and her blanket, shielding her eyes from the light, oblivious to what her father was about to do.

“Oh Darling, of course. Do you want me to read to you? Or we drink hot chocolate and watch a movie?” He suggests, ready to distract himself from anything that’s going on in his mind. A few minutes later his daughter cuddles into his side while watching once again Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Spencer is just happy to have his light in his life all the time and is ready to tackle any task to keep her there, may it be once again the weekly visits for anonymous narcotics or time off from work to process the events together in therapy.

Taglist:

All works:

@agentshortstacc

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl

Spencer Reid x child!reader:

@ilovetaquitosmmmm

[positive-lesbian-vibes]

Like I think one of the reasons so many lesbians identify as lesbians but feel soooooo disconnected from womanhood is bc much of womanhood under a patriarchy is defined in terms of men and attraction to them. I'm not saying straight women build their identities and lives around men, not at all, but must of heterosexual womanhood is in relationship to and defined in terms of men. And that's not really the fault of straight women, I'm not going to fault them for being oppressed by straight men and coping with that how they see fit lol, but it means that a lot of "reclaiming" of womanhood and "defining" of womanhood that goes on in heterosexual womens spaces leaves little room for lesbians. And lesbians arent the only group left out, of course, many womens spaces have alienated all kinds of other groups of women like trans women, women of color, disabled women, working class women, etc, for many other reasons. But I can really only speak to the lesbian perspective of that.

And I think that's what I think about when I see the phrase "gals and gays," and why it makes me feel weird, because I'm very used to being excluded from Womanhood Things due to my lesbianism, so why would any sort of alliance between women and gay men include me? Especially considering how many straight women perceive lesbianism to be some sort of get-out-of-dealing-with-men-free card. No, me being a lesbian has not stopped men from harassing me, ignoring my declines to their advances, etc. In many cases it has actually made me a target! Just because I'm a lesbian doesnt mean straight men leave me alone, it just means I dont have to date them. And some lesbians dont even get that luxury because they might have a beard for their own safety! Similar to how bisexual women may be "free" to choose not to date men, they still face the highest rates of domestic violence! All that because of the "freedom" of not having to date men!

And to me being a lesbian gives straight women either 2 views of me with respect to my position in society compared to theirs. There is the stereotypical straight woman who sees me as less of a woman because I dont want to be with men and dont have "classic woman experiences" because of that. Or there are liberal straight women who will see me as lucky or having some sort of privilege for not having to date men! Both are demeaning and lesbophobic of course, because although I'm much happier I'm a lesbian instead of straight (ew lol) being a lesbian gives me no privileges over straight women. If you as a straight woman are so pressed about dating men and feel that lesbians have it so much easier, there are many solutions for you: date better men, stop dating men all together and live happier by not dealing with them, or consider the fact that you might not be as heterosexual as you previously thought.

And while both of these women seem to have contradictory views on lesbians, they stem from the same core belief that lesbians are not as "woman" or straight women because of our lesbianism. Either we are subwoman for "not understanding" the heterosexual woman's struggle and cannot be related to, or we are privileged and distanced from heterosexual women because of our "freedom" from abuses of men, that our womanhood is lesser because it does not come with the same tragedies that heterosexual womanhood does. Both rely on viewing lesbian women as closer in proximity to straight men than to straight women

Which is, in my opinion, incredibly incorrect lol. Most lesbians relate to straight women more than to straight men, and to gay men more than to straight men, as far as I can tell. Because even though we are perceived to be more like straight men, we are simultaneously not treated like them. We do not have the privilege of straight men, but we do not have the solidarity from our straight sisters. What a betrayal!

I dont know. This post is such a ramble. I'm just tired of people seeing me as less of a woman because of my lesbianism. I'm tired of being excluded from womanhood because of it. I'm tired of being expected to listen to heterosexual women's qualms with the shitty men they choose to surround themselves with, and then be told I will never understand because obviously I never deal with shitty men (because doing my best to purge men from my life obviously means that no shitty men ever make that difficult for me). I'm tired of my love of women being used against me in womens spaces, I'm tired of people associating lesbians with straight men, and I'm tired of people pretending my womanhood is lesser because I am a lesbian.

Straight women LOVE to divorce lesbians from womanhood, but then turn around and find the energy to complain about nonbinary lesbians, he/him lesbians, and gnc/butch lesbians, as if they havent spent their whole lives making us uncomfortable with womanhood and straight women. For how much they hate our noncomformance to their standards of womanhood, they do their best to exclude us from it anyway! That's rich of them

[smallblanketfort]

i'm so excited to see u back. and i'm excited to read stories and see art. i hope you don't mind if i send in anons too. could i have a cool anon name? would you mind if i made this a safe place again? for me to be soft and pretentious and vulnerable? also i want some... advice? idk. what are your best ways to combat depression that makes u unmotivated? like can't get out of bed unmotivated? and how do u create when scared? really just. mainly i don't know how to cope. thank u - sunflower anon

people say that depression is that you hate life and hate yourself and don't want to live but man. i love life soooooo much. it's so beautiful. like it's shitty. but still. i just am too scared and unmotivated to go and see it. i'm too scared to create i'm too scared to see things and talk to people and look at the beauty and i'm far too unmotivated and that's one of my biggest problems. idk what i'm ON about i just have had an awful day i hope ur ok with me venting 

ok ok one last thing feel free to answer these all in one post, if u can. i have constant dissatisfaction. i used to write. when i'd get upset i'd write everything that's wrong and find a conclusion. and that was good and still is sometimes but i'm very sensitive. and i LOVE when i can understand things. but lately i just haven't been able to understand. it's been really confusing nd i can't understand what's happening with myself and others and i hate it. it makes my chest hurt 

please. ily. it’s yours. do with this blog as you will.

i ended up writing a lot (too much?) so

(im bolding things after writing this, bc i just wrote waaayy too many words to say very few things. so im not trying to be pretentious, mostly just pointing out to myself that i only needed a sentence per paragraph. anyway.)

tbh this is literally so relatable, i found myself driving circles around a parking lot wondering if i could move somewhere that would bring me satisfaction. if i could move to nashville or san diego or portland or nyc and get a good job like the one i have now, if i went to more concerts and went on more hikes, and if maybe the sky or the different scent of air would make everything better. cause there are places in which im happy to be alive, and i want to be, and i appreciate these things. but really, im still going to be me, it doesnt change that i was at my lowest in malibu. i am what i am. the thought of the future is terrifying bc i have so much i want to accomplish, but i am terrified bc i know i don’t have the energy or willpower. i want to crawl out of my skin. anyway,,

personally, i am very Bad with motivation. i have many projects im dying to finish, but two years later, im still thinking about them. the time elapsed feeds anxiety... the more i leave, the more i still want to crawl out of my skin. so this is how i get things done: they’re have-to’s. the only reason i am able to get out of bed is because my job depends on it. bc my parents will be Disappointed. bc graduating college depends on it. there is no beauty behind me getting to things. it’s all fear, but some fear saves me. i have to let it settle over my shoulders, and just when i feel like i am breaking, to switch my brain off and shove up, even if it’s breaking my heart. (i write this on a monday night, i have midterms this week including a 12 page research paper due and i havent started even choosing a topic. and so i sit here. writing about finding motivation. yep.) for some people, it’s getting a pet to have to get up and take care of. forcing yourself to make plans and keep them bc they will be hurt if you cancel. sometimes it’s anger. when i am angry, i know i need to use the energy or i will end up raging and breaking things, so i clean everything. 

so perhaps making creative moments “have-to”s. i recently read someone saying they write for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening and it made me realize i dont have a “i dont have time” excuse. write something. anything.

so really just. do. it. do the thing. 

sometimes maybe it’s in acceptance. acknowledging that this wont be the moment you get a ton done or come to an understanding about xyz. and saying that it’s okay. you’re enough. celebrate every tiny victory. sometimes i fall too hard into that, so sometimes i try to keep even my passive times productive. for example, when i scroll tumblr mindlessly, i tag posts according to the creative concepts i have floating around. for example, i have a story i want to write, and i’m tagging everything that fits the aesthetic or serves as inspiration with “n”. makes me feel productive. here, i have opportunities like this, to think through my actions and the way i work. makes me feel like i’m thinking.

also accept that sometimes you wont come to a conclusion, or maybe your creative endeavor is going to turn out like shit. give yourself that permission. to create shitty art sometimes. also !! this quote !!!

my last thought is feeling like you have an audience. like you wrote a nice chunk for me. keep writing on blogs and social media and to people you value. i have two friends with whom i can discuss anything, particularly things that contribute to identity or worldview etc. and those late night text conversations, or simply sharing a screenshot, can help me to keep thinking and coming to understandings. similarly, podcasts and npr. sometimes listening is easier than reading.

over all tho, just generally take care of yourself. make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving. treat yourself gently. you have time. it’s okay.

i would really really like to hear what other people say tho, bc i clearly have no answers. i feel very stuck and nervously so. it makes my skin crawl, so any others’ thoughts are very welcome :) and do come back, sunflower.

[ashlyesn-blog]

2016???>?

hey wassup hello,

ok so time to wrap up this shit year. if we’re being honest it hasnt been forreal shitty to me but, also pardon any typos im typing in the dark. ok so 

january i was in a really good place all around jus all thriving in everything life was sooooo sweet, i felt like everyhting was falling into place, but when is tht ever the case LMAO, 

february was very, interesting, i started off on a good note but not even a week in my “love” life took a little turn, lets jus say i took the nearest exit and was out of there, which made the rest of my month a recovery type month, but luckily i had my friends s/o carresa, rennae, allegra, and joy (of course my wife) but it was good otherwise i had leadership workshop which was a good break from reality with all my friends just being really open and expressive of my feelings. A WHOLE MONTH W/O SERIOUSLY BEING INVOLVED WITH A BOY, go me haaaan

march was probably the biggest month no flex. work and school always super slight, amd i gotta s/o my bitch justin, my old coworker that put me on with probably the most attractive boy i’ve been associated with. i would type all about it but i can’t forget it ever. this was just a GOOD ASS month like i have never been so sprung over a dumb boy but goddamn,

april was another low month but im pretty good at repressing emotions and feelings and im the best at detachment so its relatively easy for me to detach memories from feelings but its a damn lie for me to sit here and act unphased by this time of the year even in december.

may was another chill month ion remember anything forreal so mustve not been that important, oops forgot about 2016 senior prom very boring if we being honest but good memories associated with carresa

june was another good month (two in a row wassup) for starters mf c/o 2016 graduated thank you God, but probably the second biggest moment of my year was a concert i went to on june 25th, 2016, it was lil zi, kodak, and 21 savage with a mix of local artists, kodak didnt show up because he was in jail but it was a good night i swear i’ve never been so sweaty in my life but i wouldnt trade this night for the world, s/o stephen 

july was thE GOAT MONTH, honestly just because everything is easier in the summer. going to the beach by myself all day, making money, detaching from everyone and all school drama, such a good month, also the first time i tried alcohol soooooo that was interesting, can’t tell u how many boys were on me during this month or rather whole year

august was good for the first part but then it hit me that my life is coming at me rather fast and i wasnt too sure how to handle it if we’re being honest, while i’ve never turned to drugs or self harm or anything its illogical for me to say that my mental health was ok. i was very mentally unsteady preparing for my final year of high school. all my life all i’ve known is high school its weird to think theres life after high school and scary to think i have to figure out how to survive in the real world in less than a year. i met a boy through twitter who was and currently is very supportive of me and my goals but boyyyy thats a whole nother story LMAOoosako,

september: nevertheless my senior year started and it was a good start, when i tell you i’m in love with early release i promise i mean it, the boy i talked to the summer before is in my ap spanish class and it took me a minute to cope with seeing him, he still acts weird around me but its dumb bc we know so much about each