#and it made me realize how many people are developing ocd and other anxiety disorders for themselves with this pandemic

[sureuncertainty]

officially covid negative!!

[glenrocklibraryteens]

Book Review: Obsessed

Title: Obsessed: A Memoir of My Life With OCD

Author: Allison Britz

Genre: Autobiography

Rating: 5/5 stars

Many people believe that OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is the fear of germs and causes you to wash your hands repetitively. That may be the case for some people struggling with OCD, but what many people don’t realize is how much of an inner struggle the illness really is. 

In Obsessed, Allison Britz, a bubbly, fifteen year old sophomore who is a straight-A student and cross country runner, goes through the mental and physical challenges that come with dealing with OCD. It all started with a vivid nightmare in which Allison was in a hospital bed diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She was convinced it had to be a warning and she must do everything in her power to avoid her dream from becoming a reality. Without knowing she has this illness, Allison gives into her obsessions and repeatedly avoids help from her parents. Her compulsions completely take over her life and she becomes unrecognizable by her friends, family and teachers. 

Beginning with the description of her regular school days, the reader has the opportunity to connect with Allison’s personality and her inner thoughts as a teenage girl. The rawness of her writing captures the indescribable way the mind thinks. Allison describes her day-to-day life in such great detail that you feel you know her personally. Therefore, once her OCD starts to develop, it becomes easier to understand her obsessions and compulsions without having any prior knowledge about how the mental illness functions. “It’s just a Thursday afternoon and I’m about to write a paper on– DESK, PAPER CLIPS, PENCILS. The message attacks me”. With the use of repetition, Allison manages to highlight the unpredictability of her obsessions and it becomes apparent that the voices in her head are draining. It creates curiosity and has me sitting at the edge of my seat to see what she becomes obsessed with next. Although this book was 368 pages, I still wanted to continue reading. 

I give Obsessed a 5 star rating because it effectively describes the mental toll OCD has on a teenage girl on top of all her other teenage problems. I recommend this book to any teenage girl because it is not only relatable but provides insight to the minds of those with mental illnesses. Not only did it make me want to continue reading, but it made me want to learn more about how OCD will impact Allison later in life. Allison’s emergence from the deep depths of her obsessions to finally accepting help is truly inspiring and her story should be read by most if not all young adults.

Playlist:

Unwritten by Natasha Bedenfield- This first song sets the mood of the playlist. It is an inspirational song that highlights how important it is to take charge of your own life. Even if you are under so much anxiety, you are able to change your life by facing your fears. Just like Allison, she is able to completely turn her life around when she accepts that she needs help from her parents.

After the Storm by Kali Uchis - This song represents that even though life can get tough, the sun will always come back after a storm, and situations get better. This relates to Allison’s life because she went through a rough period in her life and once she sought help, she started to have a positive outlook on life. 

In My Blood by Shawn Mendes - Shawn Mendes wrote this song about his own anxiety, hoping for other people to relate to. He discussed how he was a calm kid and once he realized he had anxiety, it was a pretty crazy realization for him. The same thing happened to Allison, who had a realization that her OCD is completely controlling her life. 

Control by Halsey - This song highlights the control and chaos of Halsey’s life. It is a personification of her bipolar disorder which can be closely related to OCD. Halsey has opened up about her disorder in previous interviews since she was diagnosed in her teenage years. It brings awareness to the inner struggles that people with mental illnesses go through.

Fight Song by Rachel Platten - Fight Song is about finding your inner strength to overcome your challenges and tough times. Throughout her exposure therapy process, Allison used her mental strength to fight through the triggering exposures in order to overcome her obsessions such as her fear that pencils will give her cancer.

Clean by Taylor Swift - Taylor discusses her obsessive thoughts about her past relationship which can resonate strongly with OCD. She is eventually cleansed and ready to move on once she allows time to pass. Although this song focuses on romantic relationships, it still can be related to Allison, since she was unable to focus on her own interpersonal relationships since her OCD took over her whole life at such a prime age for romance.

Breathin’ by Ariana Grande - Ariana highlights her anxiety and how she maintains it to remain calm. This can resonate with Allison and her struggles because she constantly had to wear a mask and try to pretend that nothing is wrong, meanwhile she had such a tolling disorder taking over her life. 

Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie - This classic song mainly discusses the pressure and anxiety that comes with just living life. This can make someone, like Allison, feel a little bit better about herself and her worries about being a teenage girl in the peak of her highschool years academically. 

Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots - Similar to Under Pressure, this song displays the anxiety inducing things that come with surviving life. Twenty One Pilots yearned for a simpler time in their lives, before they were under stress. Like Allison, she wishes she can go back to her normal high school life when she was a thriving AP student and active cross country runner. 

Paranoid by Black Sabbath - This song is about being paranoid all the time, which is similar to Allison’s experience with OCD because she constantly had obsessions that are based on paranoia of certain objects around her.

[nikitafiber]

Project 2 - mobilize the cute further planning

So I made some more sketches for my designs, these are in color.

I am creating pills that are not to scale, but enlarged. I choose the three most common mental health issues among young adults, so the target audience here is 18-25 years of age. These are the prime years that people can have the time and ability to become comfortable with themselves, become self-aware, and work towards developing emotional maturity. This progression obviously does not stop at age 25, but continues as we gain experience as humans. The issues that I wish to highlight are: depression, anxiety, and ADHD. The prevalence of depression and anxiety has increased, much of this can be attributed to increased vigilance surrounding depression awareness. Despite this increase in awareness, there continues to be a lack of acceptance. Acceptance of the issue itself, but also being medicated for it. For the person who is struggling themselves, it can be difficult to even internalize having to be on antidepressants, and sometimes lifestyle changes can help, but often times these can only go so far. My goal is to reduce the stigma surrounding medication for mental health issues. Pills are very stigmatized, but the important thing to note is that we can only control our environmental stressors so much, as humans we need to realize that somethings are not within our control. Specifically, some issues are genetic and arise from a genuine chemical imbalance within the brain, thereby requiring medication.

For this first pill, I wanted to make a 3D model of a common antidepressant, Wellbutrin.

This next one is a common anti-depressant, Prozac, used to treat anxiety and anxiety adjacent disorders. Many other issues are prevalent within my generation, including eating disorders (ED) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Since these are anxiety related disorders, I feel that this very popular SSRI is a best representation of a medication used to treat anxiety, since it is also used for EDs and OCD. SSRIs are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, their mechanism of action is to increase the availability of the neurotransmitter serotonin within the brain by blocking the reuptake of it by the neuron.

The last one is Concerta, which is an extended release stimulant used to minimize the effects of ADHD. This medication differs from the other two because it is a very rapidly metabolized drug that beings to work immediately, but also wears off within hours. With the other two, the medication needs to be taken daily to build up levels of neurotransmitters for the full benefits.

Here they are together. I think a very interesting aspect of drugs used to treat mental illnesses, is that they are all very colorful. It is very odd, but somehow very appropriate at the same time. It was this observation that has been with me for a while, and played a role in inspiring this project idea. The colors seem to juxtapose what the medication itself is used for. I feel that this can add to the "cuteness" of the project, as these are fun colors, but the message is far from fun. My two sources of inspiration for this were: pills and mental health issues. As neither of these are cute concepts, but this project aspires to incorporate cuteness to bring awareness to the subjects.

Here they are with faces. I think that this would solidify the cuteness because I wholeheartedly believe that putting eyes on anything instantly makes the object cute. I think that this is because it personifies the object, so as a human we perceive that this object now has some sense of life to it.

This piece will also include a pill bottle made from soft sculpture. To be honest, I am not completely sure how to go about this pill bottle, but I will figure it out.

This aspect was not in my original plan, but I thought that an informational booklet would fit the prescription medication theme. This time, the faces are associated with the corresponding problem, and will be paired with the pill that they provide information for. The information might include: symptoms to look for, highlighting the ones that are often overlooked.

[simplee-sarah]

Lets talk about my brain.

At the age of 8, I had a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told my mom I had OCD because of my varying tendencies which would range from turning my bedroom lights off and on 5 times to folding the tops of my socks up in my shoe because I didn’t like the feeling of the seam on my toes (I got over the socks and the lights thing by the way). I would constantly wash my hands and feet to the point that my skin got cracked and raw. I especially hated having dirty feet after being at a friends house, so I would wash my feet at my friends house before putting on my socks, folding up the seams, and finally saying goodbye. My mom had to constantly explain why I did this to my friends’ parents because they often got offended thinking that I thought their houses were dirty. I just didn’t like the feeling of the dryness of my feet and the dirt I had collected from just being outside. I was’t afraid of dirt, but I hated the feeling it left on my skin. To this day (not as extreme) I STILL hate the feeling of the residue sand leaves on my feet after being at the beach. I can deal with it, but I don’t like it, even thought I love the feeling of sand between my toes. *insert eye roll at my own self* Most people don’t know that there are varying types of OCD ranging from textures, to germs, to repetitive behaviors, which tends to be the most famous. I would consider myself to have a mixture of texture based and repetitive tendencies. 

And like the great Jay-Z once said, “On to the next one”....

OKAY. Numero dos, and one of the most common, ANXIETYYYY.

Alright, so I was diagnosed with anxiety not long after I was diagnosed with OCD. I don’t honestly remember how my anxiety manifested itself. It was something that I didn’t realize I had until I realized I was getting fat. I am not sure if it was the Risperdal that slowed down my metabolism or the fact that my mom was constantly giving me candy and McDonalds to make me her friend (shes got some issues to). I don’t blame my mom for my overall health, but she had a part to play in the meatball I had become. I was very skinny for a long time, so much so, that some people thought my parents didn’t have enough money to feed me. This wasn’t the case, but before long I had gained a lot of weight and my classmates started to treat me different. What was once me having a great time with all my friends, turned into people not talking to me or making fun of me because of my round shape. I think this is where my anxiety truly developed. I don’t know if it was the main cause but small changes in my life that would occur would trigger me to have panic attacks and cause me to curl up into a ball, lash out at people for no reason, and really take a turn for the worst. I was then prescribed Risperdal which is used to help treat irritability caused by autism (which they weren’t sure if I had), bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Risperdal really didn’t help me, in fact it made my mood-swings worse and more erratic. So they prescribed me Zoloft to combat that, and eventually took me off of Risperdal. Today, and throughout my life I have made so many great strides (which I will talk about in this blog) towards overcoming and coping with anxiety. 

Last but not least, I got the blues.

Depression. The blues is depression. Like my other mental health issues, I don't really remember when I KNEW I had depression. I am so much more self aware now than I ever have been, so to think of a time when I didn't know what was going on with myself is really hard. Depression was sneaky with me. It hid behind my teenage angst and it seemed like no one understood what was going on with me. When a teenager cries that no one understands them, it's not really taken seriously because that's what most teenagers say when they have all these hormones running through their bodies. But for me it was true, or at least it felt that way.

My depression is always with me. It's with me on good days and bad days. It mixes with my anxiety and it can really ruin a day for me. I have to prepare myself every morning and set goals for myself in order to get through the day. If I am not in the right mindset for the day, it will feel like I'm on autopilot. If I don't have the right mindset, I will give into the excuses my brain makes up for me and I won't do as good a job at work that I know I can do. It's a job everyday to deal with depression. It's like having a job that pays minimum wage and as soon as you start your shift your boss tells you you have to train this new person for the whole day. Except that the job is life, your boss is your logical self, and the depression is the clingy nervous new person.

The one thing I can say is that I'm so happy that I realized that sharing my story and my experiences, really makes a difference. I hope you enjoy reading, and I look forward to continue blogging and bringing you great content. If you ever need someone to talk to, need advice, or just want to vent, please feel free to ask a question.

[rainbow-sides]

Anomalies: Chapter Two

Summary: Anomalies is about different reactions to grief and how four brothers each respond to the death of their mother. The oldest brother, Roman, gets custody of the twins, Patton and Virgil, and the youngest brother, Logan, after their mother`s death. Virgil is also trying to navigate through a multitude of anxiety disorders, including OCD and trichotillomania, with the help of his brothers and his therapist, Dr. Picani. But meanwhile, Roman isn`t sure he can handle the responsibility of taking care of his brothers, Logan doesn`t process loss in a way most people can understand, and Patton isn`t nearly as okay as he seems…

Warnings: Death of a parent, grief, anxiety, panic attacks, passing out, obsessive thought spirals, fear of contamination/germs, intrusive thoughts that could probably be classified as body horror but it’s about illness/infection and it’s not graphic, trichotillomania, poor self image, guilt over the death of a loved one, OCD, some swearing, mentions of terminal illness, discussion of isolating oneself/cutting off contact with loved ones, agoraphobia, thoughts about death. For a list of the content warnings for the whole story as well as more information, please see this post. Please heed the warnings and stay safe.

Word Count: 4,239

Notes: Okay so this chapter and the next chapter are mostly a flashback and are about Virgil’s journey with trichotillomania and starting therapy, but it does pick up right where the last chapter left off with Virgil passed out on the floor of the hospital. I love you all, read the warnings and stay safe! <3 ~Martin

Masterpost to All Chapters

When he opened his eyes, he was lying on his side on cold tile floor. His head was in someone’s lap, and they were rubbing his back. For roughly two seconds, he couldn’t remember what had happened. Then he did, and it was like he was hearing it for the first time again. He let out a quiet sob. The hand on his back paused, then started stroking him again.

“Virgil?” Patton whispered. “Virgil, you awake?”

“Uh-huh,” Virgil managed.

“You passed out,” his twin said. “It’s been eight minutes. Roman left you with me and went to...to take care of some things. Logan wouldn’t let go of him, so...it’s just you and me here.”

Virgil appreciated it. It was routine at this point for someone to give him the rundown of what had gone on while he was unconscious. It happened too often, so all of his brothers and a couple of his close friends knew what to do. But even though he didn’t get along with his twin all the time, Patton was the best at it. And he was also the only one who could consistently calm Virgil down from a panic attack before it got to the passing out stage. Plus, he never tried to make Virgil stand up or do anything afterwards. Somehow it was like he could tell exactly how exhausted the attacks left Virgil, how heavy they made his limbs feel. Virgil didn’t really believe in any of the crap about twins sharing a psychic connection, but sometimes it seemed like there might be something to it.

“It wasn’t a nightmare, then,” mumbled Virgil.

Patton inhaled sharply. “No,” he replied. He ran his fingers through Virgil’s hair. “No, it wasn’t.”

“I know.” Virgil tried to sit up, but could barely move. Patton shushed him and kept rubbing his back, making sure he didn’t try to get up again. “How...how is Logan holding up?” he asked after a minute.

“Oh...you know him. He hasn’t said a single word since...since Ro told him.” Patton’s voice quivered. “Or cried at all. He just sits there and holds Roman’s hand so tightly I’m scared he’s gonna break it.”

“Probably not done processing it yet,” Virgil sighed. The youngest of the four brothers, Logan, had a difficult time when it came to emotions. He had strange ways of dealing with it. When it was too much, he would go completely non-verbal, sometimes for days. The others had learned to accept it by now.

Patton made a small sound of agreement and then sniffed. He seemed to be holding back tears, and continued rubbing Virgil’s back almost fiercely, like he was trying to distract himself. His hands kneaded at Virgil’s black and purple hoodie. “We're going to be okay,” he whispered, more to himself than anything else. “We're going to be okay, so we are okay. We're going to be okay, so we are okay.”

Virgil didn't even bother trying to understand what he was talking about. He didn't get what Patton was saying half the time anyway, and the exhaustion and emotional shitstorm going on inside his head certainly didn't help. He would have started chewing on his thumbnail or picking at his eyelashes, but swirling thoughts about what might be living on the doorknobs and floors in a hospital stopped him from beginning the self-soothing behavior. Antibiotic-resistant deadly bacteria, super viruses that didn't give a shit about vaccinations...Virgil knew it was stupid and irrational, but lying there on the floor, he could feel them crawling into his eyes, into his mouth and down his throat, getting inside his cells and hijacking his DNA and multiplying until the infected cells lysed and released the infectious contents all over the nearby cells. His body might be starting to die already if the pathogens were present, and he would have no way of knowing. 

“Help me sit up,” he asked hoarsely.

Patton broke off his soft chanting about being okay. “Yeah, sure thing. Come here, Virge. You need something?”

I need to wash my hands and my face and my mouth, Virgil thought, but he couldn't let himself do that right now. He tried not to let himself think it, but the thoughts came unbidden anyway, like they always did. I deserve it for not being here. I deserve the pain of not doing it.

“Virgil?” Patton prompted. He was holding Virgil upright in a sitting position. “Talk to me.”

“It's nothing,” Virgil muttered.

“I know what ‘nothing’ is, and none of what's happening right now can be classified as ‘nothing’,” Patton said.

“I don't want to talk about it yet.”

“That's different. I can accept that.” Patton put his head down on Virgil’s shoulder.

Virgil’s thoughts were still spinning around and around. Some of them might be airborne, he thought. I could still be breathing them in right now. I have to stop breathing. I have to-- He buried his face into his elbow to breathe through his sleeve. He knew that it wouldn't really protect him, but it made his fears ease slightly, and he didn't want to pass out again, so he allowed himself the one small ritual.

Patton let out a sigh. “Virgil,” he murmured. “I know I can't understand completely, but please--"

“Leave me alone,” Virgil snapped, muffled against his sweatshirt.

“Can't do that.”

“Please!”

“Virgil! You've got to--I need you, too, Virgil, I need you right now, you can't tell me to leave you alone when we're sitting on the floor of a hospital because our mother just died,” Patton said with a catch in his voice that quickly turned to sobs.

Tears were flowing down Virgil’s cheeks as well. He opened his arms and Patton fell into them. Virgil sat back against the wall and held Patton to his chest, burying his face into his twin’s hair. It smelled like the shampoo they both used, and the crisp, clean scent managed to drive away his fear of infection for a little while.

The two of them were identical, but nobody who knew them would have a hard time identifying who was who because the way they altered their appearances was completely different. Virgil straightened his hair and had it dyed dark purple--Patton’s was encouraged to be more curly with some sort of hair gel, and was left its natural light brown color. Also, the only makeup Patton wore was to cover up a red scar on his jawline where he had stood on his tiptoe and put his chin onto the edge of the stove when he was eight, trying to see what their mother was cooking, but forgetting that the edge of the other coil burner was still hot. He didn't like having to explain the large burn scar after some of his friends had laughed at him for being stupid enough to do that. Virgil, meanwhile, wore pretty heavy foundation and dark eyeshadow, eyebrow pencil, and eyeliner, mostly to distract people from the fact that he didn't have many eyelashes or eyebrow hairs left. Currently, the makeup was smeared halfway down his cheeks from his tears.

The twins had never let their mother dress them alike, even as very young kids. Virgil wouldn't wear anything with bright colors, and Patton didn't like dark clothes. They were pretty much complete opposites in behavior, too. Virgil was anxious and cautious, snarky towards authority even though he was terrified of being punished for it. His OCD and particularly his trichotillomania had caused him to isolate himself for most of his life--even Patton hadn't known about the trich until everyone else found out a couple years ago. As sweet and empathetic as Patton was, he could also be pretty oblivious. Or maybe Virgil was just really good at hiding.

Either way, it had caused a rift between them. They had been so close when they were little, almost never fighting. But when Virgil had begun developing his disorders sometime in the middle of elementary school, he had become so terrified that something was wrong with him that he had pushed everyone away. Including Patton. And Patton had been so hurt by the sudden distance between them. He didn't understand, of course. How could he? It wasn't like Virgil had explained it. He wouldn't have had the words to explain if he had tried.

Things only began to improve between them a couple of years ago, when Virgil hadn't been able to hide his nearly completely bare eyelashes anymore and Roman had made a remark about them at the dinner table. Virgil had fled in a panic to his room and locked the door behind him. Their mother had come to talk to him in a few minutes, giving him enough time to calm down a little. After asking him about what had been going on with him, she had realized that he really needed to see a therapist. That he probably should have been seeing one for years. She had tucked him into bed and kissed his forehead, assuring him that there was nothing wrong with him. Eyes tired from crying, Virgil was about to go to sleep when his twin crept into the room.

“Virgil?” Patton had whispered. “Are you awake?”

Instinctively, Virgil turned his head away. He hadn't let people look directly at his face for years in fear that they might notice it. Even though he was aware that the others knew now, it was still a habit.

Patton sat down on the edge of the bed. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Virgil mumbled in response.

Patton was silent for a few minutes, tugging at his shirt collar as he tried to think of something to say. “Is...is this why you hide so often?” he asked finally. “And why you don't hang out with us anymore?”

“Kinda.”

“Oh.” Patton paused again. “I'm sorry, if...if I made you feel like you couldn't, like, talk to me anymore. I didn't mean to--"

“It wasn't you,” Virgil said quickly. “It was just me. I didn't talk to anyone.”

“But you should have been able to talk to me,” insisted Patton. “We're supposed to be able to share everything.”

“I'm sorry,” Virgil said softly. “I know. I'm sorry.”

Patton shifted on the bed as he reached into his pocket. “I brought you something,” he said, and grabbed Virgil’s hand to press a strange object into it. “Logan wanted to give you one of his koosh-balls, but he was worried that he would make you mad if he came to talk to you. He thought it might...help.”

Virgil sat up and stared at the many-stranded toy in his palm. It was bright blue and purple, and the stiff rubber strings made a nice texture on his skin. He rolled it around his fingers carefully. He had seen Logan playing with it before, along with his many other fidget toys, and had often kind of wished that he had something similar to occupy his hands. But he didn't want to take one, because Logan would definitely notice and would definitely be upset, and he didn't want to ask for one because he would have to explain why he wanted it. And now Logan was giving him one.

He started to cry.

“No, no, don't cry!” Patton exclaimed. “No, what did I say? I'm sorry, don't cry!”

“It's okay,” Virgil said. “You didn't say anything, it's fine. I'm just…” He made a vague gesture and wiped his eyes. “I'm just tired.”

“I should let you sleep, then,” Patton said, and started to stand up.

“No, wait,” Virgil exclaimed, reaching out and grabbed Patton’s hand. “Stay for a little while?”

Immediately, Patton sat back down. “Really?” he asked. He sounded like he couldn’t believe that Virgil wanted him to stay.

“I'm sorry,” Virgil said. “I'm sorry, I should have talked to you, about any of this, this stupid…” He poked roughly at his eyebrow. “Stupid fucking...I hate it, I fucking hate it, that I can't just make myself fucking stop, and--"

“Okay, first, stop swearing,” Patton scolded.

Virgil laughed and wiped his eyes. “Let me express myself, Pat.”

“There are better words to use to express yourself! I personally prefer using the names of ice cream flavors. Much better opportunities for puns as well.” Patton grinned. “I guess it's been a pretty rocky road for you to get to the point where you're ready to talk to me about this.”

“Oh, god,” Virgil groaned. “Screw you for making me laugh, Pat, I'm trying to share my deep dark secrets.”

“Why cookie dough-n’t you go ahead, then?” Patton invited. He squeaked a couple seconds later as Virgil poked him in the stomach. “Hey!”

“Stop making puns!”

“Never!” Patton giggled. He squeaked again and fell backwards while Virgil kept poking him. “You can't make me stop my puns! They're part of my ice-dentity!”

“Now, see, that one was just disappointing,” Virgil informed him, continuing to prod at Patton’s stomach and sides.

“Well, you can't expect me to come up with something better while you're tickling me!” Patton whined. “Stop it!”

Virgil backed off. “Are you gonna let me talk now? I'm really trying here.”

“I know, I was just trying to lighten the mood.” Patton adjusted his shirt with a pout. “And I am...strawberry upset at you for tickling me.”

“See, this is why I don't talk to you about serious things,” Virgil muttered, flopping down onto the bed to lie shoulder to shoulder with his twin. The way they had ended up, their heads were at the foot of the bed.

Patton suddenly looked genuinely upset. “Really? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--"

“No,” sighed Virgil. “No, no, no, shut up, I didn’t mean it like that. Your stupid puns aren’t why I didn’t fucking tell you about things.”

“D--”

“If you try to tell me off for cursing again, I swear to god I will keep tickling you and I won’t stop until you can’t breathe,” Virgil informed him.

“Hmph.” Patton laced his fingers through Virgil’s and squeezed gently. “Alright, fine. Serious time. I’ll be as serious as Logan in his goofy little necktie, and you can tell me as much or as little as you want. No more teasing.”

Virgil could tell that he was being honest. Patton could occasionally calm down and be serious, and a very particular tone in his voice gave him away. Staring up at the ceiling because he wasn’t comfortable looking at Patton while he spoke, Virgil said, “I don’t remember exactly when it started. The whole...pulling, thing.”

“Logan told me there’s a word for it,” Patton said softly. “Do you want to know what it is?”

“I…” Virgil was at a loss for what to say. “There’s...a word for it?”

“Uh-huh. Logan looked it up in one of those psychology manual things he borrowed from the library last week.”

“What a weird eleven-year old,” Virgil scoffed. “It’s not me who looks it up, or our mother, it’s our baby brother. And he doesn’t even Google it, he has a damn book for it. Of course he does.”

“Hey, we love him,” Patton reproached. “Don’t be mean.”

“I’m not being mean, and yeah, I love him. Doesn’t mean he’s not a weird kid.” Virgil paused. “What...what’s the word?” He was almost nervous. It had just been a strange, undefined thing that was wrong with him for half his life. Knowing its name was a daunting prospect.

“It’s called trich--um, hold on. Trich-o-till-o-mania,” Patton said slowly.

“That’s a long fucking word,” Virgil said flatly. Inside, he was reeling. There was a word for it. That must mean that more people did it. That must mean he wasn’t entirely alone.

As if he had read Virgil’s mind, Patton said, “Apparently close to one out of every hundred people is affected by it at some point in their life. It’s usually really little kids, but if it goes on for a long time, it gets harder and harder to stop it.”

“Okay,” Virgil said. His voice shook a little. “Okay.”

Patton continued, “Logan read out to us that in older kids or people who have lived with it for a long time, it can really start hurting their self-image. Sometimes it gets to the point of a--agraphobia, or something like that.”

“Agoraphobia,” Virgil corrected automatically.

“Yeah, that one. And they’re afraid of being looked at by other people, so they isolate themselves, and it negatively impacts their relationships. Seems like that’s pretty common. They learn to hide, even from the people they’re closest to, because they feel alone. Like something is wrong with them that they might get judged for, as opposed to a disorder that’s completely out of their control,” Patton said, very gently. “Sometimes it goes on for years.”

Virgil tried not to, but he was starting to cry silently. Patton wasn’t looking directly at him, so he didn’t notice. Every word that Patton said hit him hard, right in his chest. He squeezed Patton’s hand. “Pat--” He couldn’t even get the full word out before letting out a sob.

Startled, Patton rolled onto his side to look at him. “Virge? Oh! Oh, no, that’s not what I meant to do, oh, no...”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said through his tears. “It’s just--it’s so much, and a couple hours ago I was--that, and now you’re saying it out loud, and I just, I can’t deal with it right now, I know what you’re trying to do, I appreciate it, I just...please? I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, Virgil, you don’t have anything to apologize for. Oh, please don’t cry, please, it’s alright, I’m here.” Patton sat up, pulling Virgil with him. “Shh, Virgil, it’s okay.”

“I’m so tired,” Virgil whimpered. “I can’t deal with this right now, I can’t--” He was breathing too quickly.

“No, no, no, shhh, shhh,” Patton soothed. “I know you’re tired, I know. Let’s get you to sleep, okay? That’s what we should do right now, we can talk tomorrow. I shouldn’t have pushed you. Come here, let’s get you up here.” He guided Virgil up to the head of the bed and put a pillow in his lap. “Hug this for a minute, okay? I’m gonna get you some pajamas. Mom might not have made you change before bed, but I’m not gonna let you sleep in skinny jeans. That can’t be comfy, Virge.”

Virgil tried to laugh, but it came out as another sob as he pressed his face into the pillow. “Okay.”

“You keep hugging that pillow, and don’t let go until I’m back,” Patton instructed. “‘Cause then you can have me to hug, and I’m a whole lot better than a pillow. Plus, I hug back.” He headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Virgil asked. “My dresser is right there.”

“Your pajamas are t-shirts and sweatpants. Right now, you need something a lot softer and a lot more cuddly. I’ll be right back!” Patton promised.

Virgil rolled his eyes and sniffed. His tears were making dark spots on the purple pillow, but he had to admit, it did make him feel better to be hugging it.

Patton returned a couple minutes later, wearing fleece pajama pants and a soft shirt with some dogs on it. His pajamas were mostly designed for younger kids, but they made him happy, so nobody dared to tease him about it. He closed the door mostly, not quite latching it, and walked over to the bed. In his arms were another pair of fuzzy pants and a grey mass of fabric that Virgil recognized as Patton’s beloved cat hoodie, which Logan had given him for Christmas a couple years ago. It had little ears on the hood and everything. When Patton had first got it, there had been a solid month or so where he had refused to wear anything else. “Put these on,” Patton told him. “You’ll feel a lot better, I promise.”

Muttering to himself about how it was silly but not really protesting, Virgil got into the pajamas. They were a little too brightly colored for his taste, but they were soft and warm and comforting. Patton had slipped out of the room for a second and came back with a wet washcloth. He sat down cross-legged on the bed and waited for Virgil to come back and join him.

“I know you've got some makeup on,” Patton said. “You don't have to, but if you want to, you can wash it off.”

Virgil trembled a little. “Pat, I...I haven't taken off the eyebrow stuff around anyone else for as long as I can remember,” he admitted. “I stole a pencil from Mom in fourth grade and I've been using Roman’s stuff for years and I haven't--

“Like I said, you don't have to. But, I mean...it's just me here. I think it might even help.” Patton handed him the damp washcloth. “Up to you.”

“I...okay,” Virgil whispered. He turned away and scrubbed at his face to get all of the makeup off. His hands were shaking and he seriously considered just running away and locking himself in the bathroom instead of turning around and letting Patton see. All the words that he heard when he looked at himself in the mirror and saw his patchy, nearly non-existent eyebrows were flying around his head. Freakish. Gross. Inhuman. Weird. He tossed the damp cloth onto a plastic school binder on his desk and turned around.

Patton’s face was impassive as he gazed at his twin. “Come here,” he said, and patted the bed in front of him.

Virgil came over and sat down, still shivering. He could barely look Patton in the eyes, forcing back tears as he tried desperately not to turn his face away and hide.

After a minute, Patton reached out and put his hands on either side of Virgil’s face, pulling him closer so he could kiss his forehead. “I'm really proud of you,” he whispered.

That did it. Virgil burst into tears and fell forward into his brother's arms. “You don't think I look horrible and--and weird, and bad?” he asked.

“No, Virge. You look brave. Shhh, I've gotcha. It's okay, it's alright.” Patton hugged him tightly. “Shhh, it's okay.”

The door creaked open slightly. “Everything alright in here?” their mom asked. Logan was pressed to her side.

“Everything's fine, mama,” Patton said. “I've got him. He'll be okay.”

“I believe you, sweetheart. Make sure you get to bed soon,” she said. “I love you both so much.”

“Love you,” Virgil managed to say with his face hidden in Patton’s shoulder.

“Love you, mama. Goodnight! And goodnight, Lo,” Patton added.

“Sleep well,” responded the eleven-year-old. “Did Virgil like the ball?”

“I love it,” Virgil told him, still crying. Without looking up, he held up his hand where he still had the koosh-ball clutched in his fingers.

“Good,” Logan said, and that was that.

The door closed quietly and the lights were flicked off. As Logan and their mom walked down the hallway, Virgil could hear her say softly, “See? It was a good idea, baby.”

“He was crying,” Logan replied.

“Not because he didn't like it.”

“I don't understand, but I believe you.”

Virgil sniffed. “He's so sweet,” he mumbled. “Even though he doesn't really get most of it.”

“Uh-huh. Hey, Mom is right. It's time for bed. You want to lie down?” Patton suggested.

Virgil was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep. But he didn't want Patton to go back to his own room and leave him all alone, so he clung tighter and let himself keep crying.

“Shhh,” Patton murmured. “Oh, Virge. Oh, you're gonna wear yourself out so bad. Shhh, shhh.” He stroked Virgil’s back softly, which shook with every breath as he sobbed. “Talk to me, how can I help?”

“I just...don't want you to leave,” Virgil told him. He hadn't meant to say it out loud.

“Wasn't planning on leaving. Aren't we having a sleepover? I thought that was obvious.” Patton ruffled his twin’s hair with a little laugh. “Silly. As if I'd leave you alone at a time like this.”

Unable to verbally express how relieved he was, Virgil settled for just slowing down his sobs until he was barely even crying anymore. Patton let him lie down with his head on the pillow and pulled the blankets around until he found a comfortable position for himself. Then he tugged the blankets up around both of their shoulders and wrapped his arms around Virgil like he was holding a teddy bear while Virgil got rid of a few lingering sobs.

“I've got you,” Patton said in an almost sing-song voice. “I've got you, don't worry, you're gonna be okay. I'm here, don't be scared, everything's okay.”

Virgil closed his eyes and nestled closer to his twin. He had almost forgotten how nice it was to cuddle with him like this. They hadn't done it in years because of Virgil pushing him away and also because at 14, they would probably be laughed at for still cuddling with each other. “Love you, Patton,” he breathed.

“Love you, too, Virge. Now go to sleep,” Patton insisted, pressing a kiss to the side of Virgil’s head.

Feeling more comfortable in his own skin than he had in ages, Virgil actually managed to fall asleep.

See what I meant when I said that this story is really dark but also has plenty of fluff? I’m the biggest sucker for hurt/comfort and I absolutely love any form of Moxiety. The puns are fun to write, too.

So about trich. I’ve dealt with trichotillomania for pretty much as long as I can remember, and I’ve never really been brave enough to write about it before this. Like Virgil, I spent most of my life not knowing what it was or that I wasn’t alone. Unlike Virgil, I didn’t have quite as supportive of an experience figuring it out, so I guess in a lot of ways this part of the story is me projecting and writing what I wish had happened. I don’t know. Is this too personal? Probably!

But hey, if by some chance there’s someone reading this who identifies with anything I wrote in this chapter, or if I gave you words for something you didn’t even know you needed (I’m positive that there are people reading this who are younger than I was when I learned what the word was), please come talk to me! I’m here for you and I want to help support you. I don’t want anyone to have to go through this alone.

If you haven’t read it yet, check out my completed story Sunshine and Foils! I’ve finally made the masterpost for it, so that’s cool. If you want to be on the taglist for this story, just let me know! Have a fantastic week and a fantastic April, my friends. Stay safe, I love you! <3 ~Martin

@i-will-physically-fight-you @alextheodd @a-lexicon-of-words @cinderlunarcyborg @justamassivenerd @quietdeerfan @haikyuupaladin @anonymous-at-midnight @toriwithacamera @k9cat @anuninspiredpoet @afilhadehades-blog @logicallyanxious-morallyromantic @akiraaria @drunken-ghost @hanramz-the-fander @callboxkat @blubblubfish @spectacled-renegade @anuninspiredpoet @amemberofanotherfandom

[kingofthewilderwest]

Hi Haddock! Sorry for the kindof strange question but I'm taking abnormal psych right now and it got me thinking... what mental disorder do you think each of the dragon riders would have/are prone to developing based on their traits and personalities? (i.e. OCD, depression, general anxiety, etc.) thanks as always!

Hello there, friend! XD Questions of all varieties are extremely interesting to chat about, so no judging on this end. ;) I hope you’re enjoying your abnormal psychology course and learning lots!

I’m not going to assign a mental illness or disorder to every dragon rider in the DreamWorks Dragons franchise. As I’m sure you’ve seen already in your class, these are serious conditions that are not at all romanticizable. The last thing I would want to do is give any sort of disrespect to the individuals who actually suffer from these conditions, or to make incongruous connections between one character’s personality trait and a symptom of something else different and debilitating. To give an example, just because Fishlegs is particular about cleanliness doesn’t give me a right to say he’s prone to OCD, as OCD is something altogether separate. It’s best to represent everything correctly, rather than creating mental illnesses in characters for the sake of creating mental illnesses in characters.

We as people of course have the right to headcanon what a character goes through beyond strict canon, and there is something to be said about looking to fictional characters as ways to relate to our own problems. But that’s different than assigning disorders to characters hypothetically for the sake of doing so. The former’s a coping mechanism; the latter’s an easy way to slip into misrepresentations, misunderstandings, and hurting others who actually struggle. I wouldn’t be morally comfortable with the latter.

But. That said. There are characters in DreamWorks Dragons that I do think exhibit actual mental health struggles. I haven’t taken a formal psychology course on this topic, so maybe you should be the person writing this instead of me, but here are the characters I think demonstrate feasible evidence that they could have these conditions.

Heather: Depression. As someone who has my own fun string of depression issues, I suppose I see a lot of what I and other like friends have struggled through in her. I think there’s a reasonable case to be made that Heather is undergoing depression during Race to the Edge times.

How Heather handles friendship in the first few seasons is a sad situation. Heather doubts that situations can grow better, saying she’s “destined for loneliness” in “Have Dragons Will Travel.” Emotionally troubled, she struggles to trust others and to believe that she will ever not be alone, to the point that Heather is quick to feel betrayed if her friends don’t agree with her, and to the point that she’s more willing to go behind their backs than believe they can help her. The dragon riders have done their best to reach out and help her, historically they’ve never done anything to warrant distrust, they’ve offered to help her in tough situations multiple times in the past, and the friendship Heather has formed with Astrid could have allowed her opening in trust. Of course every human opens up and trusts at different speeds… but there is something to be said that Heather acts under the mentality that she is destined to be alone, and is quick to see signs that the dragon riders won’t be friends she can trust, either. There’s a want to bond - she opens up and tells Hiccup about her struggles - but there’s also the underlying struggles of someone who’s internalized the belief that her life is just meant to be bad, that her social situation is just meant to be bad, and something is going to happen to prove that her time spent with the dragon riders isn’t going to be secure. You could read this as someone internalizing the bad in their life and believing there’s no improvement, which is something that many individuals with depression experience.

Like, it’s not just in this episode that Heather both shows a desire to make friends, but also a pessimistic stand that she’s not going to have these friends. In “To Heather or Not To Heather,” Heather thinks that Windshear’s inability to cooperate with other dragons means she has to keep the dragon distanced, which means she doesn’t seem to believe she has a genuine shot at becoming one of the dragon riders. Hiccup encourages her, “Just let me work with you guys,” but you can tell from Heather’s facial reactions that she has a much more pessimistic view about her slated standing with the others. After two incidences between Windshear and the other dragons, Heather gives up, venting, “Clearly this was a mistake. We just don’t fit in here.” 

Heather does in fact retreat from the others on her own in episodes like “Have Dragons Will Travel Part 2″ after her first run-in with the Dragon’s Edge crew. It’s a somewhat premature departure. Now, I have the need to get distance, too, when I’m sorting through big thoughts, and that can be healthy… but it’s worrying that Heather is more willing to retreat back into the world where she’s alone without a social circle - than to take advantage of any support network. Her go-to is to be alone, despite loneliness being one of the issues that tears at her the most. Her lonely retreat is shown not to be healthy, given how she vents to Fishlegs in her letters.

And speaking of her letters… we know Heather struggles with dark and unsettled thoughts from “To Heather or Not To Heather.” When the other dragon riders find Fishlegs’ correspondences with Heather, Ruffnut emphasizes, “Uh wow. Those are some depressing terror mails. I may need a mace to the head to cheer me up.” And when Tuffnut shouts “On it!” and grabs his mace, Ruffnut retorts, “Metaphorically speaking!” This means that Ruffnut is speaking in rather grim humor - it’s more fun to be bashed in the head (in a way that’s not recreation to her) than it is to read Heather’s emotional struggles. That doesn’t say anything good at all to Heather’s mental state.

Astrid also finds these letters concerning, saying that, “She seems worried and confused.” In fact, the entire team’s discussion at the start of this episode is about how they can find a way to help her, since they realize she’s been through a lot of struggles and isn’t doing well alone.

Dagur: Antisocial Personality Disorder. How Dagur characterizes in later RTTE episodes miiiiight counter some of my earlier interpretations of his psychological state, but I still believe there’s a strong case to be made that Dagur could have ASPD. I hope that my discussion of Dagur doesn’t sound like I’m treating individuals with ASPD as inherent villains or bad people, because I don’t believe that at all; I’m attempting to speak with objectivity about traits Dagur has that are often symptoms of ASPD, such as a violent temper. These traits are most evident when Dagur acts as an antagonist in the series (though not absent even when he becomes an ally).

ASPD results in a persistent disregard for social norms, morals, and others’ emotions. Individuals who have ASPD may be arrogant, irresponsible, impulsive, aggressive, hostile, socially detached, and risk-taking. They may feel no regret harming others through superficial charm or violent threats, they may have poor ability to bond with others meaningfully, and they may not have much control over their temper, a temper that can spike violently when they’re frustrated. So many of these characteristics fall right in line with Dagur.

In my old analyses from several years back, I kept oscillating between saying “psychopathy” and “sociopathy”, which annoys me to no end, especially since there is a difference between the two (sociopathy being more agitated and volatile, psychopathy being good mimickers of emotion but internally lacking empathy). I think I’ve re-edited everything in old analyses to say sociopathy… but anymore, I’d say the best thing to say is ASPD. Still, if you want to read longer (albeit older) commentaries about why I feel Dagur has this vein of condition, I’ll plop in a few links.

Dagur as a sociopath in ROB/DOB

Why I thought Dagur would be better without a redemption arc

Why I was unconvinced with Dagur’s loss of antisocial traits

Dagur as a villain and Dagur developing in RTTE

The essence of Dagur when he’s an antagonist is someone who demonstrates inhibited empathy and remorse, high violent tendencies, and uninhibited, brash behavior. Even as a child, Dagur tries to drown Hiccup, locks Fishlegs up without food, and uses Hiccup as a target to throw his knives - without any demonstration of remorse for his actions. Dagur is shown to quickly fly into a rage when irritated - for instance, all Savage has to do is say one sentence in “Dragon Eye of the Beholder Part 2″ before Dagur starts shouting and screaming at him. Other times, Dagur seems to legitimately enjoy hunting Hiccup down to harm him. Especially in ROB, DOB, and the first few seasons of RTTE, I’ll admit I’ve thought Dagur has been intentionally modeled to have such a personality disorder.

Beyond Heather and Dagur, there’s no character I’d personally pin as obviously having a mental ailment. It’s true other characters struggle, have highs and lows, etc., but that’s not enough to say they could be medically diagnosed with something. People are free to still read characters they love as coping through like struggles, though! It’s a fair way to be able to relate to a character and emotionally process one’s own life experiences. And I have seen some other headcanons go around in this topic. On my own personal end of interpretation, though, trying to be as objective as possible, I wouldn’t list anyone outside of the Oswald siblings.

[readysetwellness-blog]

Mental Health: What everyone is talking about… and no one is talking about

Mental health is a hot topic lately, and it seems as though more and more people are beginning to understand what mental health and self-care is, although many are still undereducated about these topics. Mental health is a touchy subject that can be taken advantage of very easily, with people claiming to have anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues and using them as excuses or, as we see a lot with millenials and the younger generation, attention. It has become increasingly popular among young people to self diagnose themselves with mental health conditions and display these on social media (particularly twitter) in an effort to increase sympathy likes and retweets. Phrases like “oh I’m so OCD about my bed being made” or “Watching that boy do tricks on his bike gives me anxiety” are so normalized, and we forget that these are actual conditions that can be extremely debilitating.

I know what you’re thinking: “So how am I supposed to know the difference between someone who really has a mental health condition and someone who is self diagnosed or just claims to have it?”

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to this. No one does. Mental health is such a touchy subject, and with anxiety, depression, and attention deficit disorders on the rise, it is likely that many people claiming to have these disorders have a clinical diagnosis to back it up. On another note, who is going to call someone out for “faking” a mental health disease? Not me. And probably not you. But what we can do is show compassion, and understand that everyone that we cross paths with is fighting a battle that we know nothing about.

Although not every person experiences symptoms of chronic mental illness, everyone goes through times of great happiness, sorrow, grief, stress, and pain. It is for these reasons that it is important to understand the importance of self-care.

What is self-care you might ask? Well, its important to know what self-care is as well as what it isn’t. Self-care, in a few words, is an action one takes to benefit their own mental, physical, or emotional health. This will vary among individuals, but there are many different forms of self-care. For some, it could be refusing the chocolate cake at the office birthday party because they’re trying to stick to their new meal plan. For others, it might be indulging in the chocolate cake because it is their birthday (or they have created some other reason in their minds that justifies cake). Whatever it is, the most important thing to remember regarding your personal self-care is that you have to make sure whatever self-care action you decide to take is best for YOU. What works for some people might not work for others, and what works for you may not work for your friends.  

So while this idea of self-care is a nice one, it is not something that is completed by eating a cookie and taking a bubble bath. The idea of self-care penetrates much deeper than cheering yourself up after a bad day, or buying some new face wash. Self-care is about the way you live your life, and the effect that it has on your health. Everything that you experience in a day whether it is mental, emotional or physical has an effect on your health, which can be positive, negative, or neutral. Failing to take care of ourselves and recognize the stressors in our life is what leads to lasting, chronic conditions like depression, anxiety, OCD, and other mental health issues. Self-care is about tapping into your own mind and body, making sense of the way you are feeling, and taking action to right any wrongs that may be present.

We move so quickly through life that sometimes we forget to stop and evaluate how we are feeling, why we feel the way that we do, and what we can do to change it.

So all of that being said, where should you start on your self-care journey? Here are 5 tips to start integrating mindfulness and self-care into your daily life.

1. Start keeping inventory on your feelings

Take stock of how you feel. You don’t have to go so deep as to why you are feeling the way you are, but just recognize what emotion you are experiencing. This will assist you in making decisions. For example, if you are under a lot of stress in your personal life and you recognize that, it might help you realize you should hold off one more day on a major work decision. Or on the other hand, if you just got the best news of your life and are extremely excited, you might want to say yes, yes and yes to all of the plans your friends have made for this upcoming weekend to celebrate, but you should maybe only go out one night because you have a lot to get done before Monday. This goes along with the saying “never act out of anger”, and “sleep on it”. Recognizing and categorizing (stress, anger, sadness) the emotions you are feeling is the first step to taking action against any negative effects these feelings may have.

2. Isolate yourself for 10 minutes a day

This is the time to reflect on your day and understand why these emotions came over you. You may think that you were stressed all day at work because your boss sent out a memo in the morning that bothered you, when really it was coming from an argument with your significant other that occurred the day before. This is the time to identify the emotional triggers in your life— defined as “a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. This will help you avoid (or at least regulate your exposure to) the things that are causing emotions like stress, sadness, and grief. For example, if you have a family member in the armed forces, maybe you should not indulge in the overwhelming amount of military homecoming videos available on YouTube. On the contrary, for someone who recently had a family member or someone close to them return from the military, these videos may be one of their favorite things to watch. This time is about identifying YOUR emotional triggers and developing ways to manage them.

3. Figure out what makes YOU feel good.

This one is all about discovering the little things that you enjoy. Maybe its buying a new book and setting apart a little bit of time each day to read. Maybe its spending time with your “outside-of-work friends”, or maybe even scheduling a date night with your S/O (or your best friend if you’re still on the market). The point is, look for the little things in your life that make you happy, and do those things for yourself more. They don’t have to cost money, and they certainly do not have to involve others. Remember: this is all about YOU and the things that make YOU feel good.

4. Watch what you say

We need to change the way we talk about mental health. Try to remove the words OCD, depression/depressed, and anxiety from your vocabulary, and instead use some other words to describe how you feel. So instead of saying “Ugh im so depressed”, “That gives me anxiety” or “I’m super OCD about that”, try expanding your vocabulary with words like this:

Instead of saying depressed, say:

-    Sad

-    Unhappy

-    Despondent

-    Down

-    Low

-    Bummed out

Instead of saying anxiety, say:

-    apprehension

-    angst

-    jitters

-    nervousness

-    concern

-    heebie-jeebies (my personal favorite)

Instead of saying OCD, say:

-    Particular

-    Precise

-    Detail oriented

-    Anal retentive

-    Fusspot

-    Nit-picker

5. Talk to a medical professional

Finally, if you are experiencing severe symptoms or symptoms that you feel are beyond your control, please do not hesitate to reach out to a healthcare professional near you to seek support. Sometimes mental health issues are out of our hands, and self-care is not enough. Great strength is found in reaching out to someone for help, and the most beneficial person is going to be a mental health counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist. If you’re not comfortable reaching out to a professional, try talking to a friend or two about how you have been feeling, as talking about it and having two heads trying to make sense of your feelings can be helpful.

Mental health is very touchy, tricky, and for the most part, taboo. I hope that this post has provided you with—if nothing else— a little bit of insight on the growing challenge that many people are facing today. Even if you are not experiencing any great stressors in your life, try out these tips, as there is always room for improvement!

Thank you so much for reading, and as always, happy living J

P.S. Check out this link below for a short youtube video about OCD!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsOzNavYF6wse

#MKT400UWL

[silverscribblesuniverse]

MORE ADHD VIKTOR HEADCANNONS!

Hey Friends! So one of the most beautiful parts of Yuri on Ice is how Yuuri’s anxiety is depicted, right? It’s a really interesting detail, which makes him a much more complex, 3-dimensional character – which in turn gives the story more emotional stakes, and makes the viewers want to root for him.

Another lovely thing about it, is that lot of viewers who have Anxiety in real life found a character that they could relate to – a strong, wonderful, precious character who achieves great things, despite his mental health issues.

SO, keeping that in mind, I’d like to share a long-held head cannon of mine (though I certainly wasn't the first to think of it) about another beloved YOI Character.  

Since October is ADHD Awareness Month, I present for your consideration: ADHD Viktor! 

(Based on my personal, real-life knowledge and experiences managing my own ADHD)

ENJOY! (it’s a VERY long post, sorry not sorry, lol) 

- Viktor has Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive Type ADHD.

[According to the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, *which is the most recent edition, published in 2013) ADHD is broken down into three sub-types: Hyperactive Type, Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive Type and *Inattentive Type (*Previously referred to as “ADD” – or Attention Deficit Disorder without Hyperactivity).]

- He’s never been FORMALLY diagnosed though, because OBVIOUSLY talented/“gifted”/successful people can’t POSSIBLY have an Executive Functioning Disorder/Neurodevelopmental Disorder.

[*SARCASM*]

- When he was a little kid (like 4 or 5) he had SO MUCH ENERGY. TOO MUCH ENERGY. ALL THE ENERGY ALL THE TIME. He was ALWAYS talking too much and “getting into trouble” – his constant outbursts were nearly impossible for the adults in his life to handle. So, his parents/guardians enrolled him in various sports, hoping to channel some of that energy into something “more productive”.

[Hello, Hyperactive Symptoms!]

- That’s when he FELL IN LOVE with skating – it was all he ever wanted to do, all he ever wanted to think about, all he ever wanted to talk about, all he ever cared about.

[Ahh, yes, there’s that typical ADHD fixation/obsession]

- And he was good – INCREDIBLY GOOD. So he kept going; He kept getting better and better, and eventually got into Jr. Competitions, where he started winning. And then . . . he kept winning. Suddenly, everyone (especially adults) started praising him for his “dedication” and “focus” – he wasn't constantly being reprimanded for his behaviour anymore; he wasn't being told to “sit still” and “stop fidgeting” anymore.

[People with ADHD often tend to develop a very low self-esteem, because, as children, they are constantly being scolded for their behaviour (Behaviour which they cannot control, because their brains are literally wired differently).]

- But, the praise and attention was only a tiny piece of the puzzle. What REALLY mattered to Viktor was that he had found something he loved, and he was GOOD at it. He finally felt like he belonged somewhere; completely at home on the ice.

[Subconsciously, skating may have given Viktor an incredible creative outlet (People with ADHD tend to be “creative types”), while the exercise during practice may have given him an awesome boost of serotonin, endorphins and DOPAMINE (The leading theory is that ADHD is linked to/caused by an imbalance/lack of dopamine – that’s why stimulant medications can sometimes help. Exercise is also a highly encouraged lifestyle management tool for those with ADHD).]

- So, Viktor kept skating because he loved it, because he excelled at it, and soon he was the Junior World Champion. Things still weren't perfect though – Yakov always yelled at him for spacing out during practice, getting distracted during interviews, forgetting things all over the place, constantly being late (or outright forgetting commitments altogether) and just generally showing a lack of interest/care in anything that didn't involve him physically skating.

[There you are, Inattentive Symptoms; welcome to the party!]

- But like . . . it isn't Viktor’s fault that interviews are so boring. And, besides, Yakov always took care of the scheduling and stuff – if something important came up, Yakov would just remind him!

[People with undiagnosed ADHD tend to subconsciously develop their own “coping” mechanisms to counteract their symptoms – like perfectionism, avoidance, excessive procrastination, or dependency on others.]

- As an adult, Viktor made a name for himself as a figure skating LEGEND. So . . . If he was late sometimes, or distracted, or overly-emotional, it’s totally FINE – LEGENDS like himself are ALLOWED to be ECCENTRIC.

[ADHD can often go unrecognised/undiagnosed/misdiagnosed well into adulthood – especially in “gifted” individuals. ADHD symptoms are also often overlooked, as it can present comorbid with other conditions such as Depression, Anxiety, OCD, ASD (Including Aspergers Syndrome), Tourette’s, Dyslexia, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Conduct Disorder (just to name a few).]  

- But now, Viktor’s reaching the end of his career – he’s a 5 time World Champion and . . . nothing is as easy as it once was. He has no more inspiration. He can’t surprise the audience anymore. He’s still winning . . . but it isn't fun anymore. It doesn't make him happy anymore.

[Maybe it’s because no one is good enough to challenge him, so competitions aren't interesting anymore. Or maybe it’s because he’s lonely, with no time for Life or Love . . . but part of the boredom/malaise could ALSO be the lack of DOPAMINE taking its toll. DOPAMINE is responsible for regulating the “reward centre” of the brain – people with ADHD might not feel the same “rush” as others when they achieve things – like getting good grades, being promoted or receiving an award].

- AND THEN comes the infamous banquet – where Viktor meets Katsuki Yuuri, HIS FUTURE HUSBAND AND THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE. Now, Viktor LOVES skating . . . but he can’t remember EVER being happier than when he was dancing with Yuuri. And sure, he’s had lovers before, but NOTHING ever felt like THIS. He is 100%, absolutely, irrevocably, unquestionably IN LOVE. IT’S ALL SO NEW AND EXCITING AND SCARY AND WONDERFUL AND YUURI IS PERFECT AND VIKTOR IS FEELING ALL THE THINGS!!!

[Another symptom of ADHD (and many other psychiatric conditions) is “Emotional Dysregulation” – people with ADHD can find it hard to control their emotions, often have rapidly shifting emotions, feel their emotions INCREDIBLY INTENSELY, and then tend to act on them impulsively. They often view problems/life in “black and white”; It’s pretty much “all or nothing” feelings-wise.]

- One thing leads to another, and suddenly Viktor has dropped EVERYTHING to fly to JAPAN to be Yuuri’s coach on a WHIM because he is overjoyed and excited and in love – AND THERE’S NO WAY THIS COULD POSSIBLY BACKFIRE! THIS IS THE BEST DECISION HE’S EVER MADE EVER.

[There’s that classic ADHD impulsivity/recklessness/risk-taking.]

- He expects Yuuri to be overjoyed to see him – they’re going to skate and talk and have “slumber parties” and fall in love! But . . . that doesn't happen. Not right away, in any case. Instead, Viktor shows up and Yuuri runs away – he doesn't want to have slumber parties and he starts avoiding him and he acts like he doesn't even REMEMBER the banquet! It’s like Yuuri isn't happy to see him at all. So, Viktor may have been a bit teary-eyed, as he went to sleep ALONE (apart from Makkachin) that first night in Hasetsu.

[Some people with ADHD also experience something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – an extreme emotional sensitivity to PERCEIVED rejection/criticism].

- Viktor and Yuuri slowly become closer over time; working on their relationships (both personal and coach/student) and figuring out how to communicate . . . even though Viktor has a tendency to be too blunt/push too hard/be too clingy at times.

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: So, do you have feelings for Minako? Do you have a lover now? What about ex-lovers?

YUURI: I’d rather not talk about it . . .

VIKTOR: Then let’s talk about me! Let’s see, my first –

[EPISODE 3]

VIKTOR: The truth is, you’re actually both FAR MORE mediocre than you think. You need to be more self-aware.

[EPISODE 4]

VIKTOR: Yuuri! Why don’t we get some food?

               Yuuri! Want to soak in the springs together? 

               Yuuri! How about a slumber party?

[EPISODE 5]

VIKTOR: It’s amazing you got such a high score after running your face into a wall, but thanks for proving me right about your ability to get a solid PCS! And don’t worry about letting me down, I know you’ll do better next time!”

[EPISODE 7]

VIKTOR: I'm not very good with people crying

              Skater’s hearts are as fragile as glass – let’s try shattering his into                     pieces . . . 

[People with ADHD tend to have communication issues. They might not easily pick up on the emotions of others, interrupt often or otherwise steam-roll conversations. They commonly tend to talk too much, talk too loudly, speak before they think, or say incredibly blunt/hurtful things (all without even realizing what they are doing), which can make them come across as callous, self-centred or tactless. Impatience can also be a HUGE problem – they may tend to dive into new things head-first and don’t always take the time to properly assess situations/build relationships. People with ADHD are often described as being “intense”/“overbearing” or having “BIG PERSONALITIES”; opposingly, they might also be perceived as “flaky”/“aloof”/“uncaring”(depending on ADHD Type and Symptoms Exhibited).]

- Eventually, things start heading in the right direction. Viktor is a fully-fledged coach, and Yuuri just keeps getting better; constantly growing and surprising him. Coaching is exciting for Viktor, because it’s new and novel and he gets to be with Yuuri – but it’s also exhausting, because now it’s HIS job to take care of all the scheduling/organizing/memorizing/time management – things that Yakov used to do. Things that definitely DON’T play to his own strengths.

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: Uh, oh, that’s not a happy face. Let me guess, I forgot to do something I said I would do?

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: Ha, ha, ha, yea, I remember now, it totally slipped my mind! I'm sorry, but you know how I forget stuff sometimes . . . 

[EPISODE 5]

YUURI: I must have told you a million times – but in last year’s nationals I BOMBED EVERYTHING . . .

[EPISODE 5]

YUURI: Do you have any idea where Viktor is? It’s about to start and I can’t find him!

VIKTOR: Sorry, were you waiting?

[EPISODE 6]

YUURI: Come on, Viktor! We’ll miss the flight if we don’t get moving!

[EPISODE 6]

VIKTOR: I'm hungry and this is boring, can we go get hot pot now?

YUURI: I'm kinda in the middle of an interview here . . . 

[EPISODE 10]

VIKTOR: Do you want to try my hot wine?

YUURI: No, I don’t like to drink before a competition

VIKTOR: Oh, right, I forgot. 

There are other little quirks of Viktor’s coaching too; but maybe that’s just because it’s all so new to him. He doesn't have the most experience – but he DEFINITELY has the most enthusiasm.

Like, THAT KISS - (you know the one ;) )

[Pretty impulsive, wouldn't you say? (In the BEST WAY, of course :D)]

And whenever Viktor is rink-side, watching Yuuri skate; he’s always SUPER animated – he gets so invested he even does the quad flip along with Yuuri at the Grand Prix Final in Barcelona! 

[EXCITEMENT - INTENSE EMOTIONS! HIGH ENERGY/RESTLESSNESS – SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS EXPRESSED AS A QUAD-FLIP!]

Viktor also gets super into the other Skater’s short programs at the Grand Prix Final, and doesn't notice how his words/actions are affecting Yuuri. 

[Perhaps it’s just because he loves skating and misses it so much . . . or could it be attributed, in part, to his ADHD brain fixating without him realizing it?]

[So, to sum up; forgetfulness/memory issues, tardiness/poor time management, easily bored/distractable, impulsive . . . those are all pretty much par for the course with ADHD (and other Executive Functioning Disorders as well).]

- In the end, Yuuri wins silver at the Grand Prix Final; but more importantly, he gives Viktor two very important things: Life and Love. And while the road to the GPF is rough and rocky, (managing both Yuuri’s Anxiety and Viktor’s ADHD); their love only grows, changing them and challenging them . . . and making them BOTH stronger for it.

So, there you have it; my ADHD!Viktor head cannons! :) 

He may be forgetful and flaky and blunt and pushy and impulsive and emotional – but he’s also energetic and outgoing and supportive and talented and creative and brilliant and charming and loving.

I see a lot of myself in Viktor – good things and bad things – so this head cannon has a very special place in my heart. Almost all our ADHD-related stories/characters in pop-culture are inaccurate, disregard the realities of ADHD, or just blatantly depict it COMPLETELY WRONG – so when I saw these traits more accurately mirrored in Viktor, a character that I love with all my heart, I couldn't help but expand on the idea.

Having said that, ADHD is a complex disorder; here are some basics:

- ADHD is an Executive Functioning Disorder/Neurodevelopmental Disorder. 

- The name: “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder” is a bit of a misnomer; it’s not a “lack” of attention, so much as it is the brain’s inability to filter out stimuli, and direct “focus” where it needs to be at any given time. 

- According to the DSM-5, there are 3 subtypes of ADHD – Inattentive, Hyperactive and Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive. 

- Not everyone with ADHD will present ALL Symptoms of ADHD, due to the different subtypes. 

[There are also many more common Symptoms/Comorbidities that go along with ADHD, which I did NOT head cannon for Viktor – things like Sensory Perception Issues/Misophpnia, Coordination Issues/Dyspraxia, and Low Frustration Tolerance/Hot Temper, just to name a few]

- ADHD is GENETIC and HERITABLE – and is linked to a lack of Dopamine. 

- ADHD is not a “Childhood Disorder”. It’s not something you “grow out of” or “cure” – it’s something you learn to manage and live with. Medication is one option – but treatment may also include making lifestyle changes (like diet, exercise, and getting proper sleep), working with ADHD coaches, going to Therapy, and investing time in creating an organizational system that works WITH one’s symptoms.

- An ADHD diagnosis does not mean that one is stupid or lazy or out of control – plenty of highly intelligent, “gifted” or otherwise successful individuals have ADHD (and in fact, with the right diagnosis and treatments, many people who struggle or “under-perform” at school/work due to ADHD are able to harness their previously untapped potential, leading to great improvements in their work, and enabling them to start on a path to success). 

- ADHD isn't a “fake illness” or an “excuse”. ADHD is a very REAL disorder, with a very REAL impact on the lives of those that it affects. However, with the proper diagnosis, knowledge, skills and tools, ADHD is also manageable – and you can absolutely learn how to work WITH your ADHD to become your best self.

***

So, if you've stuck with me this long, thanks for reading! I hope you've enjoyed these little head-cannons for one of my most favourite characters of all-time – and maybe learned something new that can help you or a loved one living with ADHD.

Thanks again! This has been my contribution for ADHD Awareness Month and the YOI One-Year Anniversary!

See You Next Level! ;) 

[howyoutalktostrangers]

So,

Charlie Demers started off telling jokes. 

The Quebecois stand-up comedian, who is known for his fierce political activism, could easily make his living performing all over North America, appearing on radio broadcasts and providing voices for animated series. But over the course of the last decade he’s also made a name for himself as a writer, producing both creative non-fiction and fiction. His latest offering is something of a departure, as he kicks off a Vancouver-based mystery series.

Literary Goon reached out to Charlie to chat about what it’s like to conjure Vancouver on the page, how his love of The Sopranos informed the work, and the peculiarities of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

LG: Your new book Primary Obsessions centers around issues of mental health, which is something I know you’ve been passionate about over the years. Having suffered through a few mental health crises of my own, I’ve been able to see firsthand some of the ways the system fails to adequately treat people or reach them where they’re at. In the write-up for your book it says you’re a long-term cognitive behavioural therapy patient, so I wonder how your real-life experiences informed the narrative. Is there a political element to your prose? Are you trying to make a point?

CD: Dr. Annick Boudreau, the hero of the new series — I’ve very happy to have signed with Douglas & McIntyre for at least two books starring the character — is a fictionalized version of the cognitive behavioural therapist whom I’ve been seeing for more than fifteen years, sometimes regularly, sometimes for the psychological equivalent of touch-up work. 

I mean, she’s very heavily fictionalized; symbolically I separated them from each other, in my own mind, by giving Annick a crewcut on the very first page, whereas in real life my doctor has never cut her hair. That was my signal to myself that, whatever I borrowed from my doctor for my detective, just like Chesterton used his real priest for Father Brown, Annick was a fictional character for whom I had to be free to imagine into backstories and misadventures and mistakes that my own therapist would never have anything to do with. But it is, to a certain extent, a tribute to her and a thank you — I remember listening to a poet talk once about what a unique relationship a long-term patient-therapist relationship is, and it’s so true; it’s this in some ways tremendously intimate and absolutely trusting relationship with someone you know for years, who you feel like you sort of owe your happiness and maybe even your life to, but you don’t know when their birthday is or their partner’s name or whatever. 

When I first started seeing my doctor, it was as an outgrowth of treatment that began as part of free clinical trials at a university, and that treatment, which saved my life (either kept me from taking it, or made it something other than just sheer torture) was free, and it was at a time when I didn’t have a cent to my name, I mean absolutely nothing, and knowing how many versions of me are out there right now, at this crucial point in their psychological development in their early 20s, and they can’t access the kind of treatment that saved my life, it just murders me. Psychiatry is fine for certain things and for certain people, absolutely — and I have had good experiences, and bad ones, with meds. But for OCD, it’s cognitive-behavioural therapy. I mean, in my experience, for sure. 

And that should be part of universal health care. I don’t know how saliently that point comes through, though, in the novel, at least this first instalment. If there’s a politics at play here, I think it’s probably less to do with bread and butter stuff like that, and more to do with the flattening effect of the Internet. In this story, Annick Boudreau is drawn into an investigation to save her patient because she knows things that other people don’t know, even though they think they do.

LG: I’ve never met anyone who is as passionate about The Sopranos as you are. I read your moving tribute to James Gandolfini when he died, and couldn’t agree more that David Chase’s depiction of the realities of talk therapy was ground-breaking in a covert way. People thought they were watching a show about gangsters, but they were really watching a show about mental health. With this book steeped in a crime milieu in the same way, would you say that your goals align with his?

CD: If David Chase is Stevie Wonder, I’m a ringtone of dogs barking “Jingle Bells”. Even thinking of comparing my book to The Sopranos feels like comparing Brueghel’s “Landscape With the Fall of Icarus” to a calendar from the mechanic’s because they both hang on walls. I’m perfectly happy to have written what I think is a fun, smart, and from a certain angle even possibly a little enlightening detective story in the fish-out-of-water tradition. There’s a whiff of gangster underworld in this book, and there’ll be a lot more of it in the second one. 

LG: One of your main characters has been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which is often mis-portrayed in popular media. (I’m thinking about the Academy Award-winning Jack Nicholson flick As Good As It Gets.) As it happens, your hero Dr. Annick Boudreau sets out to help him but quickly realizes that doctor-patient confidentiality creates a roadblock where she can’t speak to the authorities. Most people think of doctor-patient confidentiality as a positive thing, but it sounds like you’re exploring it’s unexpected down-sides. Did you have an experience that clued you into this conundrum?

CD: There were bits of As Good As It Gets that showed some of the real agony of certain strains of OCD, but it definitely slotted into the broader cultural misunderstanding of OCD as meaning “super finicky” or “very particular.” The initialism itself, OCD, has been almost completely stripped of its descriptive power, since in common speech it’s almost always used to mean someone keeps a clean house or likes things a certain way — though usually if you say ‘obsessive-compulsive disorder,’ people know you mean an actual, clinical diagnosis. 

The patient in the novel has the kind of OCD that I have (though I should say, thanks to the real life “Dr. Boudreau,” have mostly put behind me), which is called primary obsessions OCD, and involves repeated, unwanted, intrusive and disturbing thoughts. Heavy on the ‘O,’ a bit lighter on the ‘C,’ although the thoughts can cause so much emotional pain, anxiety, and even trauma that very complex, time-consuming, and exhausting compulsions and rituals develop to “deal with” or neutralize them. It’s not so much that there’s a down-side to doctor-patient confidentiality, which is a sacred and absolutely essential norm — but there are particular legal strategies to bringing in a defendant’s psychologist, and trying to include their insights. And in this case, Dr. Boudreau’s patient’s shame — which I can say, from experience, is debilitating to the point of paralysis until you’re pretty well into your treatment — becomes an obstacle to his own well-being. 

LG: I grew up just outside of Vancouver, but rarely got the chance to see it portrayed in fiction. Though it’s used by countless film crews, it’s always disguised as some other American metropolis. Recently I read The Plague by Kevin Chong, and I was fascinated to see how his portrayal overlapped with my own experiences, and also how it diverged from them. When you set out to conjure Vancouver on the page, what were your priorities for setting the scene? Which aspects of Vancouver were crucial to capture?

CD: One of the things I love about the detective genre is the way it’s so, so often and unapologetically about the worst and best things about the cities in which the stories are set. I’m a huge fan of the late Andrea Camilleri, and his Detective Montalbano books, and as you read about his “Vigàta,” in Siciliy, you really can’t tell if this place is Heaven or Hell. So I was very unsubtle about splashing as much Vancouver on everything as I could. 

One of the nice things about having a psychologist for a protagonist is that she’s rich, so I could realistically give her access to every part of Vancouver, without any particular anxiety about it. But unlike Dave Wakeland, my pal Sam Wiebe’s private eye, she didn’t grow up here — Annick is an Acadian from Halifax, so Vancouver’s not in her bones like it’s in mine, or Dave’s, or Sam’s. Sam’s incredible books are already doing the work of capturing the city’s loss of soul, and it felt stupid for me to try to ape that, and so I kind of mostly went with a lights-and-make-up Vancouver. Any East Sider will recognize many barely-disguised eateries and for sure there’s some inevitable urban grit, but I also went with the Pan Pacific lounge and Coal Harbour condos because hey, fuck it, it’s fiction. 

The Literary Goon

[todokori-kun]

Ack

 that sounds horrible, getting sick is the worst ;-; get as much rest as you can! I really hope you get better soon<3

(omg the pics are GORGEOUS. Like, Wow. Once I’m done writing this message I’m probably going to go back to stare at them for like an hour and silently scream over how awesome everything looks)

Don’t worry about it, I admit that Stoki is pretty much a crack ship ^^;;

And, well, the redemption fic I mentioned helped me fall deeper into Stoki hell, but I shipped it even before that XD I think part of it is just because I think they could have a really interesting dynamic- they’re just so different, complete opposites. Steve would confuse Loki so much tbh

Also, I just think that Steve (or at least, post-CW Steve) might be one of the avengers most willing to at least try to understand Loki. Partly because Steve’s just a nice guy, and then because of his relationship with Bucky- ‘cause Steve-Bucky and Thor-Loki are really, really similar and I think Steve would realize that.

And then like I said, Steve cares a lot about other people. If Thor ever told him about everything that happened between him and Loki Steve probably wouldn’t have too much difficulty in starting to see Loki as a human(?) being instead of some one-dimensional fairy tale villain.

Lastly, I feel like Steve is just the best person to handle Loki’s issues. He may not be able to personally relate to a lot of it (Tony, Bruce, maybe Natasha would be better for that) but he can take a step back and think rationally about the situation, help convince Loki that just because the rest of the world sees him as a monster, doesn’t mean he has to be one.

Hopefully this made sense? lol)

yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about it too. It was just so freaking frustrating OTL

(And yes that letter destoyed my feelings too)

btw, can I ask what you think about T'challa? He doesn’t seem to have that many fans yet but I think he’s really cool and possibly one of the more sensible people in the CW movie (once he stops being furious at Bucky). Also the trailer for his new movie is epic and I can’t wait to see his sister…

Hisoillu is bizarre (sadistic murdery Clown with no sense of fashion + sadistic murdery needle guy with dead fish eyes) but also makes a lot of sense at the same time? Like, Hisoka got away with joking about killing Killua in front of Illumi, so…yeah. They’ve got something special LOL

omg imagine.

‘Satisfied but when you fantasize at night it’s Illumi’s eyes’

'Helpless but look into Illumi’s eyes and the sky’s the limit’

'History has its Eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’

Why do I want these memes to be a thing

With the new revelation about who Touka was visiting at the hospital, I’m beginning to have my doubts about how this will end…maybe they might actually both survive for now???

But I’m a bit miserable rn because if one of them has to die I’d rather keep Juuzou too but it seems much more likely for Touka to survive. She’s like the main female lead, plus she has Kaneki’s baby…

R.I.P Naki, the sweetest cinnamon roll who just wanted to see his big bro again ;-;

(Also: Wow, way to go Kaneki, you finally started acting like an actual leader (in a way)! But can I just say, what absolutely perfect timing)

WTH I had no idea Soul Eater’s art style developed that much???!!! That’s actually pretty amazing! (And yeah, I know that SE has some pretty complex characters and interesting stories in it :D it’s just still a lot lighter and has different themes from the mangas I usually enjoy ^^ I might try it out though!)

Death The Kid seems really cool! (does he really have OCD in canon, though? Like, I’ve seen a lot of Soul Eater fans talking like he does but idk if it’s actually a thing? Maybe I sound weird but it just seems insensitive to say characters like DTK and Levi have 'OCD’ and talking about it jokingly when it’s actually incredibly difficult and stressful for people who actully have OCD, so I’m not sure how to feel about those fans)

Yay! Gotta go and try to find that fight scene now…

Join me in my suffering. I loved L so much ;-;

(But hey, don’t be too sad (what’s this? Is Evans actually COMFORTING Queen Luna for once instead of rubbing salt in the wound?!)! There’s always the book Death Note: Another Note (The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases)- it’s a prequel to the Death Note manga/anime with L chasing a murderer known as Beyond Birthday (…no comment on that alias). It also shows how he met Naomi Misora which is awesome if you like Naomi (I did, and kinda screamed when Light kiled her))

Eh, I think I’m one of the few people who doesn’t mind it being set in America because what’s the point of making an American adaptation if it’s going to be set in Japan anyway? I also don’t really have a problem with 'white-washing’ for this same reason (though I am disappointed because being Japanese-American would have added an interesting layer to Light’s character; despite fighting for justice, in canon, LIght’s never actually been victimized or discriminated against. He’s a handsome, intelligent young man who appears to be cisgender and heterosexual (even if it’s never confirmed) and is Japanese, just like everyone else around him. Japanese-American Light, on the other hand, would have really experienced how the 'rotten’ world could hurt people, so his acts as Kira might have more personal emotion in them)…like, it’s possible to cast a white actor as Light without it being white-washing, and since they changed the entire setting I think it’s fine to change other things too. Just, I’m cool with anything as long as they portrayed Light’s character properly…BUT THEY DIDN’T SO

I’m really just disappointed that they botched the characters and all the themes of the original Death Note story so badly. Sure, change the setting, change the circumstances, change the plot, changehe designs, but why did you have to take Death Note’s philosophy away?

But, because I might have been a bit too mean:

I will say that the movie LOOKS really good. The visuals are great. The soundtrack seems decent too. Also, though Ryuk’s motivations/role also weren’t done very well, Ryuk’s actor did an amazing job…and while I’m not happy with how L was portrayed in this movie, I do think that the actor they cast for him could have been a good L if not for the bad writing.

Well…from what I know, Light Turner ends up in a hospital at the end of the movie with his One True Love Mia(Misa) dead, so nah. The Keikaku failed.

(which just proves that Light Turner really is nothing like Light Yagami, because Light Yagami’s keikakus never fail.

Until the end of the Death note manga/anime, that is.)

Yeah, I know about SU’s terrible fandom, so I’m not going to actively participate in writing fanfic, drawing fan art or making HCs/theories with other people…I’m just gonna watch the show with my sister and look at pretty fanart XD

Tysm tho!

(Question: Which character do you think you are? And what kind of gem do you think you’d be?)

Aww, I’m so happy my awkward rambling actually made you feel better??? Like. Come on. You have no idea how much our convos helped me with anxiety and stress, so I have to thank you for that too <333

(And seriously, Queen Luna is amazing.)

For most people, they start going to elementary at seven (in international age) as far as I know, and then go to middle school at around thirteen. Then high school at…um…sixteen? Maybe? I’ve never really gone to school here so I might not be 100% correct but it’s something like that ^^;;

I really wanna try Mystic Messenger but since my phone is an old flip phone…I like my phone but sometimes this can be inconvenient LOL

(I’m totally fine with messaging here, but are you really ok with it? 'Cause if you’re not, we can try to work something else out!)

hi im luna and i wanna die.

HNNNNNNNNGH have i ever told you how much i hate school?  because i freaking hate school from the bottom of my heart i can’t feel my neck anymore from the amount of studying ive been doing that’s depressing.

anyway. heartfelt advice: do not fuck your stomach up in any way, because you will suffer if you do. take it from me, i’ve managed to develop this amazing thing called Gastritis and now i cant eat anything without getting the feeling that im gonna throw it back out which is absolutely wonderful. thankfully, i don’t throw up, but it’s freaking annoying and ive lost waay too much weight already. best part? the whole reason why i have it is apparently purely psychological,  too much stress. i got it in the middle of july. HOW my mom is also being INCREDIBLY helpful by basically telling me to ‘get over it’ like i can just snap my fingers and tell myself ‘oh yeah this is only in my head’ and it’ll all pass over. cause that’s how it works.  so is my sister by always laughing at me

oook moving on.

yep, school started and i am suffering. ive already gone through 4 tests and a bunch of oral quizzes. yay. thanks teachers for totally not putting horrible pressure on us from the start.  i stg, one of my most common thoughts these days is ‘see, this is exactly why i have a psychosomatic sickness.’ they’re sending my to a psychologist to see if i can let everything out and maybe get some advice on how to handle things better. i will laugh my ass off if i get diagnosed with a mental disorder. that’d be absolutely hilarious (I am in no way trying to make fun of people with a mental disorder, I’m just saying I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they said something like Burnout Syndrome or Depression (im not even joking when I say that I’ve been sleeping pretty much all afternoon + night these days, cry way too often, feel no motivation for anything, feel worthless, no apetite and also occasional suicidal thoughts which is oh so fun (ok but in my defence, the thoughts are really rare, probably caused by the fact that I feel nauseous like 90% of the time, and I would never ever do it, mostly because some people would miss me (I hope). there are moments when I go ‘wouldn’t it be easier to disappear?’ tho))

sorry about that rant

MOVING ON TO HAPPIER THEMES (and proper writing):

Yeah, Norway was truly gorgeous ^^ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace than then. I fell asleep in the car at one point while watching the scenery outside, and it was one of the best sleeps in my life, despite being in the car. I’m glad you enjoyed them ^^ If you want, I can upload random pics like that every once in a whole.

Aaah, that’s pretty good reasoning! It makes a lot more sense now, thanks for explaining! 

Yeah, I kinda see why you’d ship it. Steve is a pretty understanding person and, like you said, would probably understand Loki the best ^^ Recommend me some fics and I might even start shipping it myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I LOVE T’CHALLA THANK YOU FOR ASKING YES.  I mean, he angery™, but also freaking cool! Not to mention crazily powerful *^* I’m pretty excited for his movie, cause more badassery from him!

Wow those sound like genuine memes. Seriously why can’t i draw XD

Also HIstory has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi will give me nightmares.

GODAMNIT I JUST WANT JUUZOU TO BE HAPPY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? (apparently yes)

Yep, since I have all the volumes, I like to flip through them sometimes and I’m blown away every time by the development.  I also cosplayed the main character a while ago, so it holds a high sentimental value to me. But it is a lot lighter than your usual reads, true...

Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain? I mean, DTK is obsessed with symmetry and will go to crazy lengths to preserve it, get mad if someone disturbs it, will jeopardise missions if he’s not sure if he left something perfectly symmetrically at home etc, but it’s not so much as a mental illness as it is a consequence of who he is (part of the Grim Reaper)? Like i said, it’s really had to explain.

Did you manage to find the fight scene?

My reaction to Death Note in general:  FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI. oooh, I’ll search that manga up!

Well, I’m not so much upset about the whitewashing, more about the fact that I feel like the japanese general ideology plays a big role in why light decided to start killing bad people? Idk how to explain it... 

Oh, Japanese-American Kira would’ve been a really interesting thing to see!

Yay, at least you found some good things? Well, it’s nice that you managed that ^^

Damnit, so it didn’t go according to Keikaku! It’s all because they didn’t include the potato chip scene.

Uuh, i don’t exactly remember much of SU, but I guess I’m most similar to Pearl? I didn’t really sympathise with any characters that much tbh. As for gem. Uuuuuh *quickly googles gem meanings* ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.  I like Zircon because of the colour and alexandrite because it changes colour which is incredibly cool!

Your rambling always makes me feel better tbh. It gives me a looong message from a friend I appreciate incredibly much so, yeah, I always smile when I see a message from you (even though my replies are so slooooooooow)

Aaah, I see! That’s pretty interesting ^^ Quite different from our system.

Ah, shame, you would’ve liked the most recent route, there is so so so much suffering.

Yeah, I am 100% fine!! Don’t worry about it! The reason why I suggested something else is because on sites w an instant messaging system, my replies would probably be a lot quicker,

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE AESTETHICS, ESPECIALLY LIZZY, THAT IS GOALS

and the drawings are adorable ^^ Hide tho ;-;

[theoreocat]

How Pets help Mental Health

The companionship that a pet offers is a great way to help reduce stress and anxiety. They can be a great source of comfort and motivation for their owners. In many ways, pets can help us to live mentally healthier lives.

PETS AND DEPRESSION Pets are a great motivator for people. Dogs help encourage owners to get exercise, and this can be highly beneficial for those suffering from depression. Pets also have a calming effect, just by stroking, sitting next to or playing with a pet gives us a chance to relax and calm our minds. Caring for a pet also gives your day purpose, reward, a sense of achievement and helps you feel valuable and needed. ​PETS AND SOCIALIZING Walking a dog will often lead to conversations with other dog owners and this helps owners to stay socially connected and less withdrawn. Having a pet can give you a commonality with another person and thus provide a good conversation starter. Who does not love talking about their cat? It has been proven that people who have more social relationships and friendships tend to be mentally healthier. PETS AND LONELINESS ​A pet is great companion. They give owners company, a sense of security and someone to share their daily routine with. Pets can be especially valuable company for elderly people who are living alone. PETS AND CHILDREN WITH ADHD Children with ADHD can benefit from working with and keeping a pet. Taking charge of jobs such as feeding, walking and bathing, help children learn responsibility. Playing with a pet is an excellent way to release excess energy. Children can walk with a dog or run around with a kitten, making them more relaxed at night. Fresh air and good circulation from exercise increases oxygen-filled blood flow to the brain, therefore increasing the ability to concentrate. A pet is a great listener, offers unconditional love and will not criticize a child for having too much energy. This can greatly aid a child's self-confidence. PETS AND AUTISM Sensory issues are common among children with autism. Sensory integration activities are designed to help them get used to the way something feels against their skin or how it smells or sounds. Dogs and horses have both been used for this purpose. Children with autism often find it calming to work with animals. They help to reduce stereotyped behavior, lessen sensory sensitivity, and increase the desire and ability to connect socially with others. 

MY EXPERIENCE Pets don’t just make life better. They make it BIGGER! Those of us who have a pet to share our life with know how much they can change everything! From the day that they walk into our lives, every moment all of a sudden seems a little bit brighter. They offer us a love like no one else can, completely unconditional. They are there for us in our deepest hours of need; they listen to us, comfort us, keep our secrets and are our best friends. When Oreo came into my life, everything changed almost instantly. This tiny little sick fluff ball who needed me, I mean REALLY genuinely NEEDED me, suddenly became my reason for being. Knowing that he needed me made me feel important and like I had a purpose. ​From a very young age I suffered from extreme anxiety and panic attacks. During my teenage years I developed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and spent most of my early adulthood battling with both this and depression. Sometimes it seemed they had taken over my whole being and I was incapable of connecting with the rest of the world. I would often be alone, play alone, read alone and think alone even though I was always surrounded by people. I did't like large groups, events, parties and most of the time preferred to stay at home. Then we got a family dog. That was my first taste of what having a four legged best friend was all about and how it could change things entirely. When I moved out of my family’s house to my first apartment, the first thing I did was go to my local SPCA to adopt a cat. I found Sunshine and instantly fell in love. Knowing that she would be there waiting for me when I got home from work each day made all the difference. Slowly I began to feel OK to want to stay home and watch movies alone with my cat. I started to realize that those were the things that made me truly happy. She needed me and I needed her. Now a few months shy of 40 years old, I still occasionally suffer with anxiety, OCD and depression that can often be quite mentally exhausting. I still have problems with large groups and one of the reasons I can no longer work in offices is due to my anxiety and fear or having a panic attack in front of others.

A huge aspect of how Oreo helped me to deal with these issues is with social media. As a more introverted person, I am not generally known to show outward feelings or interact with people. Oreo becoming popular on social media helped me to come out of my shell. I started to feel important and to feel needed by people who follow Oreo’s accounts. When messages from Oreo’s followers started pouring in thanking me for making them smile that day, it really made my heart feel good. It made me feel like I was making a difference somehow. Feeling that helps me to ward off depression, anxiety and helps me to be a stronger person. Being surrounded by Oreo and the other cats also keeps me feeling important and needed. I am able to concentrate on them rather than on anxious feelings. Sure, I still have OCD and I still would rather stay home, but I am OK with that! Having my feline family gives me all the support and contentment I need. It makes me a happier person and in turn it helps me to make others happy, and that’s a BIG thing! Mental illness of any form, be it OCD or others is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT. We all have had moments of depression, or feeling like we've lost control. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am proud of who I am today and all of you out there should be proud of who you are too! Mental illness is no joke, but regardless, it should be celebrated instead of hidden. It takes an extremely strong individual to deal with any type of mental illness. This month is Mental Health Month. It is time to be proud of who you are and show it off! Be mindful this month of those who suffer with mental illness and let them know they are loved just the way they are! We really are not all that different after all! Pet's don't just make life better, they make it BIGGER! Together, we can do the same for them!

To better understand mental health issues and their effects visit: www.cmha.ca  Additional resources: www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/p/pets-and-mental-health BLOG: http://www.theoreocat.com/blog

[sweetcatastrophex]

jake and i talk about mental health a lot, specifically his trauma he’s inherited from his parents, especially his mom, like paranoia and insecurity and how it’s translated into his own romantic relationships. and how his parents’ divorce and mistrust affect his habits and behaviors. i’m happy he’s aware of it and actively working on it by seeing his therapist and talking to me about it openly. on a side note, i think we need way more men to be doing this. well men and women and people overall but i say men especially because of the statistics that show just how many men have unaddressed mental illnesses that turn into violence, often towards women.  i can’t help but compare to my own experiences. personally much of my mental issues come from my dad. i became aware of that at a young age and have been actively working to reverse it ever since, without the help of a therapist. should i see someone? probably, yes, everyone should. idk if i will though for a couple reasons. but i still am so interested in and intrigued by psychology and psychoanalyzing people, including myself. constructive criticism is your friend. my dad is a very paranoid, uptight, anxious person who gets angry and yells and used to get violent. he’s also irrational at times, and my mom is guilty of the same. my mom generally has a very positive and innocent disposition so i don’t attribute my mental issues to her. a good example is that my parents used to yell at me and hit me if i accidentally dropped a spoon or broke a plate. even though it was an accident, they would punish me, much of the time physically, which made me internalize that that was normal. but as i grew older i thought why should you punish someone for an accident, and such a petty one at that? i remember thinking to myself, i dropped a spoon, but it’s not a big deal, the world will go on...i still have my health, my parents have theirs, what’s the problem? a broken plate does not matter at all in the bigger picture. so as a kid i would be confused, thinking why did i deserve to be hit for this? because it was loud? because it disturbed the quiet? still can’t make sense of it. i feel lucky that i was able to think objectively at such a young age. i think a communications class i took at nassau helped with that. we talked about how when you’re young you think your parents are shining examples of the perfect citizen, when they’re not — they are their own unique individuals with their own flaws, their own issues, their own habits, unhealthy and not. the sooner you realize this, the better.  so shout out to the kids who are actively reversing the traumas and insecurities they inherited from their parents. not everyone can afford talk therapy sessions, but there are so many resources online and elsewhere these days. you can seek help. you can talk to people, you can talk to your friends. you can even talk to your parents about it. unfortunately mine aren’t very receptive to that but it’s fine. i’ll just move out. i wish my dad would address his issues because they have gotten to the point where they affect everyone else in the household as well. he is a hoarder; he does that thing they do on american pickers where you basically acquire other people’s junk and it takes up so much room in my house, the attic, the garage, the shed, even the guest bedroom... the list goes on. it isn’t fair. we can’t even rent out the apartment part of the house, a whole ass extension we got for my late grandfather, because there’s so much stuff in there. that’s a whole income that could be coming in that we could definitely use. i wish he would address it and learn to let go of material items. my house needs the kon marie method so badly. it’s cluttered af but has so much space and potential, it’s sad. my mom low key hoards too and is just messy in general and then they tell me i need to move one item if god forbid it’s in the kitchen for a little bit. like??? how are you going to tell your children to clean the counter if you, yourself, never clean the counter. i’m just imagining what a third party would say if they saw this behavior. i feel gypped in some ways. my immediate family, the four of us, never were very traditional...we didn’t sit down at 7 pm for dinner together, we only eat together on holidays because our schedules are so different and because my parents just didn’t always cook for us. it affected my diet and my development of table manners and basic household chores like cooking and doing the dishes. i had to teach myself when i was older which is embarrassing.  but hey at least i’m not my cousin. my toxic, black sheep, bully of a cousin. who must’ve been deprived of attention from my aunt and uncle growing up or something, i don’t know what went wrong with him but he has panic disorder and can’t drive too far from his house without panicking and turning right back around to go home, even missed his own brother’s wedding and his goddaughter’s baptism because of it. and then my second cousins had drug problems, addictions to opioids and we lost one about two or three years ago. so i will never forget when that bully of a cousin was visiting my messy ass house and said hey there’s worse things to be than messy. which is true.  i don’t think people realize how much their childhood affects their adulthood. my own journey involved/involves tackling anxiety and OCD. mostly anxiety these days but yoga and meditation and talking about it helps. i had really bad OCD when i was young which then dissipated, and bad social anxiety which isn’t as bad anymore, as well as anxiety that kind of expressed itself in the form of an eating disorder. not going into details on that but it was bad, i basically developed a fear of restaurants, and i’m glad i grew out of it. for someone who has never seen a therapist, i’m proud of myself. but there’s always more work to be done. always room for improvement and growth. 

[i-love-pomegranates]

Aite let’s talk anxiety and drugs

   At first there was Ancient Greece. Or probably not, but that’s the farthest time there’s comprehensive (ish) medical written records. We have Hippocrates & co. in the 5th century BC, diagnosing ‘melancholy’. During those times, melancholy was a disease encompassing what we know today as anxiety & depression disorders (including OCD and manic depression aka bipolar), schizophrenia and Heracles’s epilepsy. Most clear symptom was fear and sadness ‘without cause’. A disease which was believed to be caused by imbalances in the 4 bodily humors (phlegm, blood, yellow bile and black bile). More specifically, an abundance of black bile was directly responsible for melancholy (which would later become melancholia). The treatment was bloodletting (like pretty much every other disease at the time).

   Few centuries on, it was believed that the heating of black bile released by the hypochondriacal organs caused vapors which clouded up the brain and therefore made the sufferer unable to think straight. Still, it stayed a biological disease. 

   Skipping a few centuries and we get to the Renaissance when, mainly because of the Aristotelian idea that melancholy and genius went hand in hand (theory which emerged because many physicians, writers and philosophers suffered from bipolar disorder and would go full productive during their manic phases), melancholy was highly romanticized. However, shortly after, mainly because of the Protestant Reformation, melancholic people were often seen as possessed or under demonic influences and were often ostracized, if not punished. Slight backward evolution over here, from melancholy as biological disease to demonic possession but hey, to each their own.

   ‘Anxiety’ was first used as a ipso facto concept by Kierkegaard with the meaning of unfocused fear. A religious man, Kierkegaard attached ‘anxiety’ to the concept of free will as a precedent of sin. Moving on, we get the second ipso facto anxiety mention by Freud, a sufferer of clinical anxiety which he used to cure with cocaine (even advertising it as the ‘magic drug’ up until he realized the dangers of addiction). Although at first he’d write about the biological side of anxiety, he moved on to define ‘neurotic anxiety’ as cases where the ego is obstructed by the id (plus minus a couple of sexual repressions because why not) and therefore he shifted towards a cognitive view of anxiety (and similar views which would set the basis for psychoanalysis and for cognitive research which, in turn, Beck would later draw on when pioneering CBT).

   Short trip into the onset of the 20th century, when Bayer’s barbiturates were discovered to induce sleep in patients and therefore began being marketed for tension, anxiety, nervousness and the sort. Such compounds were highly addictive and lethal in high quantities (see Marlyn Monroe). Later on we get meprobamate, marketed as Miltown, a drug developed in order to, at first, treat alcoholics. When the calming effects were noticed, it started being advertised, again, for anxiety and became in the 1950s the most sold drug in world history, second only to aspirin. At the same time, TCAs (tricyclic antidepressants), such as imipramine, which also became popular later on, started being marketed as well.

   The discovery of SSRIs (and SNRIs), which are still to this day the most used and prescribed antidepressants (along with benzodiazepines which I’ll get to soon) was a rather accidental one. Drugs such as sertraline were at first anti-allergens. Chlorpheniramine, an over-the-counter pollen allergy medication is actually an accidental SSRI. 

  Now the interesting facts. As opposed to pretty much all disease & treatment cases, where the causes of disease are researched and drugs to cure it are discovered, with mental illness it was the other way around. It was not known, at first, that faults in neurotransmitters caused chemical imbalances which in turn caused a wide range of anxiety disorders. However, since it was known that drugs such as SSRIs and SNRIs had a reuptake of serotonin and norepinephrine effect respectively, it was proposed, and later on heavy research was conducted proving the theory, that these two neurotransmitters (their genetically determined quantity as well as the non-genetic speed at which they are fired up by neurons) have a massive impact on mood. 

   This discovery and the subsequent research prompted the appearance and the diagnosis of different disorders. It was discovered that anxiety disorders were caused by irregular and unconscious firing up of the amygdalae, the tiny beans in the brain which deal with fear and the fight-or-flight response. Experiments followed. Subjects diagnosed with anxiety being shown images of angry faces, while not consciously aware of it, had an overly active amygdala while ‘healthy’ subjects did not present such symptoms. What is even more interesting is, in patients diagnosed with anxiety, the amygdala flared up even when the patients were not consciously seeing the angry faces. When they were being shown a range of flowers and happy faces interrupted by an angry face within a fraction of a second, too fast for the conscious brain to process it, similar results were shown on the fMRI imaging. The subjects later on reported feeling anxious but not knowing why. It is at about this time anxiety and depression separated into different categories based on which neurotransmitters or which part of the brain was faulty. 

  With benzodiazepines it gets a bit tricky, because they were specifically designed, at first, for profit. In the 90s, more than 10 million Americans were taking tranquilizers on a daily basis. However, while the effectiveness of reducing anxiety and panic attacks was incontestable, nobody really new how they worked. It was later discovered that they enhanced the activity of GABA, a neurotransmitter which inhibits the activity of the neurons. Basically, they slow up the brain. 

   There are many theories as to why exactly this happens. The genetic factor has already been proven. CBT and other therapies also seem to work on a great number of patients, meaning correction of distorted cognitive biases might be an answer. It does not work with me tho, maybe because I know the theory behind it which makes me less susceptible to external influences. There are also theories regarding to environment and human evolution, such as William James’s who believed that, while the human fight-or-flight response was useful when dealing with, say, tigers in the wilderness, it is rarely needed today. However, society evolved much too fast for our brains to keep up. Broadly speaking, our brain does not know how to deal with the stress of exams, financial problems, lives spinning out of control, existential issues and the sort, and therefore resorts to its most basic stress response: fear and dread. Me, I think it’s a combination of everything, since all theories explain why.

   So anyway there’s that.

// funny how I can write a 1000 something words quite comprehensive essay on anxiety in less than 20 minutes but it takes me 2 weeks to write 3000 words on social policy lol.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

 I made a post in January about how I basically write Jemma in the autistic spectrum even if not officially (I’m still researching) but because the list was very long and I bolded the traits she had, I want to put here the list of only those traits as reference - the full post is here, I kept all the traits there in case people were curious like me, though it’s not meant for self-diagnosis  (then again, I don’t know why I’m so hesitant with writing about it officially - even if it’s not canon, there is nothing wrong with more representation of all kinds.)

under the cut because it’s too long this mostly refers to the way I write her... but there is a lot of canon Jemma too

May be difficult to understand subtle emotions (unless she’s explained why someone is acting the way he is)

Finds difficult managing emotions (the entirety of season 2)

May not be able to tell when someone is flirting with her (or in love, unless the flirting is openly sexual and cannot be confused with friendliness)

Great difficulty and very sensitive to conflict, stress, arguments, fighting, wars, gossip and negativity

May find it challenging to understand what others expect of her (when they don’t directly tell her like they do at work)

Understanding boundaries (usually more when she was younger)

Tend to have high average to genius intelligence

Superior long-term memory

Often have a rigid negative thinking, inflexible black or white thinking style or rigidity of thinking (when it comes to Ward ‘some people are just evil’ and specifically of my Jemma: Fitz and Daisy being just ‘good’, no flaws)

Often drawn to the helping, artistic or animal professions, and often an “expert” in her chosen field (she ended up being mostly a doctor, but also expert in biochemistry)

Hard-working conscientious worker

May get stressed if have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time

Tries very hard to avoid making mistakes, forgetting things

Tries hard to please others

Preference for one-on-one social interactions, single close friendships

Strong preference to engage in conversation related to their special interest

A history of being bullied, teased, left out and/or not fitting in with same-age peers, unless she had/has similar “Aspie” friends (Fitz was her first real friend) 

An intense dislike of lies, but may lie herself

Experience great difficulty with conflict, arguments, being yelled at

Has great difficulty asserting herself (only on occasion so it doesn’t count) asking for help

May currently have or have experienced Post-Traumatic Stress, often due to being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, mistreated, and/or mismedicated.

Often does not know how to act in social situations

Often prefers to be engaged in her special interest, rather than socializing

May be considered the “black sheep” of the family

Others consider her different, odd, eccentric or “weird” by others

May feel like she has to act “normal” to please others OR does not care at all about fitting in (both depending on the situation, but sometimes she just doesn’t realize she’s being inappropriate) 

A people pleaser, but then may burn bridges suddenly (for e.g., quit relationships), as they have difficulty managing conflict

Females appear to be better than males at masking the traits of autism in social situations. However, girls are less able to do so in unfamiliar settings (she was even more ‘odd’ in Hydra, when asking the coworker she barely knew to go karaoke with her and insisted too) 

Difficulties communicating her thoughts and feelings, in words, to others, especially if anxious, stressed or upset. Often can type or write her thoughts much better

May dislike asking others for help, be unable to ask or not know how to ask for help

May be passive, not know how to assert her boundaries in a healthy manner (season 2 again)

May offend others by saying what she is thinking, even if she does not mean to

May point out other people’s mistakes

missing what people are trying to say 

Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate

has a high pain threshold

May be overwhelmed or stressed by bright lights, coarse textures/clothing (specifically my Jemma wants very soft clothing) 

May have to withdraw, isolate herself when overwhelmed by her senses

Things that should feel painful may not be (bruises but not know how they got there, due to clumsiness) 

Recent brain scanning research points towards enlarged Amygdala’s role in intense emotions, anxiety and anger (her anger and anxiety are more often than not extreme)

May have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or traits (in her case traits)

May fidget or other movements with hands, twirl hair, stroke soft fabric to self-soothe (usually plays with sleeves or opens and closes fists or touches her neck and forehead)  

May be very sensitive to medications, caffeine (in my Jemma’s case caffeine specifically)

May have sleep difficulties

May have a special interest in fashion and femininity

She loves quiet, solitude, peaceful surroundings

May have a strong preference for routine and things being the same day after day

Gets pleasure from being engaged in her chosen work and/or special interests

She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations

May be ‘hypersexual”, fascinated by physical sexual contact (she really enjoys it too, though sometimes has difficulties connecting any emotion to it unless the emotion was present before)

A special interest may involve the person’s career

Ability to “hyperfocus” for long periods of time involved in the special interest, without eating, drinking or going to the toilet, is able to hyperfocus on her special interest for hours, often losing track of time

An intense love for nature and animals

Often not interested in what other people find interesting

Introspection and self-awareness. Many women spend years trying to understand themselves, reading self-help and psychology books and wonder why they feel so different, from another planet or that the “Mothership has dropped me off on the wrong planet”.

Feels things deeply

Other people’s moods affect her, especially if they are negative

Tends to be very sensitive to emotional pain

Deeply moved by arts, music, certain movies

Difficulty regulating emotions and managing stress

Experiences intense emotions of all kinds (for e.g. when she falls in love, she ‘falls’ in love deeply)

May think she is being compassionate, but her actions may not come across that way

Often too sensitive

A natural born leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive (even with herself)

Has a high sense of justice and fairness, is a truth-seeker

Highly creative and may have ‘rushes’ of original ideas

Highly sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism

May have been told she cares to much, does too much for others and/or is too sensitive (when people keep a close eye on her or speak to her, otherwise she comes off as cold)

Is perfectionistic 

Attention to detail

Obsessions/special interests can be long-term (can make a great career)

A strong sense of feeling different from her peers, often described as being from a different planet

Is intense in everything she does

May have a history of crying a lot, without knowing why

May have tried a variety of medications,

A history of depression, anxiety, eating disorders (not unless you count forgetting to eat or lack of appetite when upset), mood swings

May have developed a variety of dysfunctional coping mechanisms; for example, arrogance

Withdrawal and/or Avoidance

May “know” or have knowledge of certain things, but no idea how she knows

Autodictic – teaches herself

Intelligence, craves knowledge and loves learning

Can teach herself just about anything she puts her mind too

Has a strong will, is determined and independent

Have a remarkable long-term memory, photographic memory

Can work very well in a “crisis” situation

Deeply reflective thinker

Resilience, an ability to go from one crisis to another, to bounce back, to start again time and time again

Great in one-on-one situations or presenting to a group

May be gifted with art (singing)

May have a lack of cognitive empathy and hyperempathy for e.g., too much affective or sympathetic empathy

Compassionate Empathy, or “empathic concern”. This kind of empathy helps us to understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, and also be spontaneously moved to help them, if and when other need help. 

May have an intense desire to please others and/ be liked by others. 

May become highly distressed if she has the perception that someone does not like her or actually does not like her.

May have tocophobia, the fear of childbirth 

Photographic visual memory (generally able to recall what she has seen to details, and also to repeat actions she has seen even when they involve other fields - can recreate some of Fitz’s and Daisy’s works) 

[jmariebe]

Testimony, Log 4: Are you able or disabled to do the job and how do you know?

I’ve had PTSD, trichotillomania, general anxiety disorder and bipolar depression since I was seven years old. I know this now after years of therapy and prescribed medications through various psychiatrists, psychologists, cognitive behavioral therapists, and psychiatric nurses. I’ve been seeing medical professionals in these fields since I was 28 years old. I am currently 49 years old. So, I’ve spent over 20 years trying to get help for these medical illnesses. Along with these medical illnesses there are symptoms. This is how the medical community determines what kinds of mental health illnesses you have and how to treat them. My particular mental health issues are considered to be chronic. I will always have these illnesses. While my mental health issues are considered to be without cure, with ongoing treatment, they can be reduced in their severity and there is great hope that I can not only function in society, but thrive in a career. Since I didn’t realize what my illnesses were until I was 22 years of age, the symptoms from these co-morbid conditions have dominated my daily life and social interactions my entire life. The symptoms range in severity and there are many symptoms that can occur when you have these illnesses. 

When I was seven years old, my second grade teacher noticed that I was pulling my hair out, going bald all over my head, and leaving the pulled strands of hair all over the floor around every desk I sat at. This prompted her to alert my mother. At the time (1975) trichotillomania (considered to be related to OCD) was not well known in society, so my mother did the best thing she could do and she took me to a dermatologist who prescribed me coal tar shampoo.

After beginning treatment with medical professionals at the age of 28, the link between childhood sexual, physical, and verbal abuse was made.

Trust issues play an important role in building relationships. Developing the ability to trust people again was and still is at the core of my treatment from the medical community. There were and are many other treatment options available based on ongoing research by medical professionals. As someone with multiple illnesses (PTSD being the dominant one), I keep up with ongoing research efforts based on the diagnoses I’ve been given because it helps me understand my illnesses and it helps me to manage the symptoms too; this is similar to a diabetic watching their diet or an allergy sufferer avoiding certain environments or products. But PTSD was not determined as the dominant illness until the last year. It was part of the co-morbid collection of illnesses, but not considered to be the illness causes the most debilitating health and social problems I was having. OCD and depression were the dominant illnesses determined by medical professionals on IUP’s campus and by external medical professionals up until 2007-2011 when Indiana Community Guidance Center began helping me. It was at this time that PTSD became the dominant illness affecting and effecting me. 

In 2003, I went to IUP to study in the Composition and Rhetoric Department and had a crush on a professor there, Claude Mark Hurlbert. Despondent that he did not want to start a relationship with me, alone in Indiana, PA, and not having a strong network of social relationships to begin with, I fell into a major depressive episode and called a friend, Irene Pannetier, who also studied composition and rhetoric at IUP. She asked me why I was so upset (crying uncontrollably and talking of suicide). I told her the whole story and elaborated on my life extensively. Then, the first day of the school week after this incident I began getting medical help through IUP’s mental health services. They diagnosed me with OCD/Trichotillomania, generalized anxiety and depression and prescribed me Luvox after trying several other medications. All of these events in the Fall 2003 semester occurred before Irene and several other composition and rhetoric students decided to use a research taping device to tape conversations I had with Irene and spread the taped conversations throughout the English Dept.

Fast forward to 2006-2007, during the time I was seeing medical professionals at Indiana Community Guidance Center, it was determined that the behaviors witnessed by members of the English Dept. and my own details of what I was experiencing, led to a determination that the dominant illness at this time was PTSD with co-morbid OCD, generalized anxiety, and depression as present, but not dominant in terms of my symptoms. 

I had a mental breakdown due to specific triggers. Triggers for PTSD sufferers are any social act (verbal, physical, visual, olfactory [sense of smell], etc.) that causes someone with PTSD to relive past traumatic events and begin acting and feeling and returning to those states of mind that were experienced when the initial traumas occurred. My particular triggers involved every form of trauma I experienced: a certain smile that was similar to a sexual predator’s own smile during the time I was sexually abused, someone grabbing me in a violent manner, enraged yelling and extreme acts of violence, insinuations about my sexuality, a certain look that is leering combined with the position someone has physically to your own and how they hover around you. 

So, Indiana Community Guidance Center, like other medical professionals before them, including IUP’s Mental Health professionals, asked me for details about my life at the time when my mental health symptoms began (age 7, pulling my hair out). The details of my appointments with the medical professionals at Indiana Community Guidance Center were being given to IUP, notably IUP’s English Dept. in order to help me, and them, through the behaviors I was exhibiting and relieve faculty and students’ own feelings of discomfort about how I was acting. I was not informed that Indiana Community Guidance Center was working with IUP’s English Dept. by providing details of my medical diagnoses and therapy sessions. This would violate FERPA, HIPAA, and perhaps other laws and policies.

Instead of helping me, though, the details of my therapy sessions were used to further harass me. The weird smile became prevalent in IUP’s English Dept., then at other colleges where I taught. It was used when someone wanted to keep me in line, threaten me, taunt me for the sake of it. Loud noises were made around me if someone didn’t like something I said or did. Sexually suggestive language began to be used. Side glances, getting very close to me from behind. When I was upset that Lingyan Yang was coughing uncontrollably behind me at an IUP event on campus, coughing became another trigger because now not only was I experiencing trauma triggers from my life before IUP, but I was now also experiencing new trauma triggers from my experiences while studying at IUP. Any taped details that related to my traumatic experiences were then added to their repertoire of harassment and micro-aggression. So, one therapy session I had with Indiana Community Guidance Center, for example, involved breast size discussions in my family growing up. Breast size became a topic of conversation on campuses. Staring at people’s body parts, including women’s breasts, people’s behinds, people’s faces, staring into space, became like memes. I was aware of all of this now being placed on social media. I was aware of the “allergens” and “snow” expanding from IUP to other campuses, to outside academia, to local people’s awareness, to regional, national, and finally to international awareness and surveillance.

At the Sheraton Inn while at an conference in Vancouver, Canada, I was in a colleague’s hotel room and we were discussing an event featuring Gayatri Spivak among other noted scholars. My colleague opened up about the harassment she was experiencing on her own campus. People insinuated she was a lesbian too, she said because she was never married and single and she felt they didn’t understand her or her culture (she is an immigrant from India). I replied that they were using it (calling her a lesbian) as a method of attacking her and not because they understood what it meant to be a lesbian. Our conversation also included a discussion of a man I met at the conference that seemed to be interested in having dinner with me. This led to a discussion of Jeffrey Williams, who I liked at the time. The specific words used in my conversation, the themes I explored, and previous texts from conversations were then discussed by people I worked with and I noticed them appearing on T.V.

No one would tell me that I was being taped. When I discussed the idea that I was being taped, it was suggested that I make an appointment with my psychiatrist/therapist. When I told my psychiatrist about all of the textual and behavioral connections I was making, they increased my medication dosage, added some new ones at times, and focused their attention on my paranoia. But this only made me more paranoid and at the same time increasingly aware that I was being taped and the contents of the taped recordings were being used to defend their actions, which by now they realized would surely lead to a lawsuit. My ability to think clearly and perform my duties as a teacher and scholar decreased as the years went on.

When I informed IUP’s campus police that Mahmoud Amer was stalking me, there was no effort to at least inform me that they investigated the situation and a report was filed (Clery Act). IUP also did not inform me that Mahmoud Amer used my laptop’s webcam to film me in my apartment. The only clue I had about Mr. Amer’s act was from IUP’s website homepage the next day: there was a photo of Gian Pagnucci taken in his office with his computer on and the webcam lit up. Gian had a really wide smile on his face. It was then I realized that whatever I was doing in front of my laptop was being filmed. 

From 2004 to 2017, it became increasingly more difficult to interact with students, develop lesson plans, remember words, ideas, definitions, what I was going to say next, organize my thoughts, organize my writing, make connections and function cognitively while outside of work. My social interactions and health status did not improve when IUP decided to have Indiana Community Guidance Center provide them with details of my therapy sessions. In fact, my mental state and social interactions became much worse. The medicines I was being put on were causing me to lose more sleep, gain a tremendous amount of weight, and some of the side effects were similar to the symptoms of the illnesses they were treating!

Enter 2013. I graduated from IUP with my Ph.D. in English Literature and Criticism. I moved back to NJ after I realized that I wasn’t going to find full time, tenure-track, or post doc appointments in Pennsylvania. While in NJ I applied for several different positions at various colleges. My situation became even worse, but because I returned home I at least had the comfort of people and surroundings that were foundational to my identity, the parts of my identity that I have always relied on to help me through my life. 

With the same strategy they used via illegal surveillance, IUP’s faculty, students, alumni, and staff attacked my teaching and research based on what they knew were my own abilities: discourse analysis. Since I was intensely hypervigilant for years, coupled with the knowledge that I was being taped, my regular self-consciousness became completely debilitating. And, whatever I did in this “reality” show, was used to argue that I could be hired or should not be hired by the educational institutions I applied to. It seemed/seems like everyone knows everything about me and can use this information to get me hired, fired, in love, out of love, friended/unfriended, housed/unhoused, silenced, killed, hospitalized, and made more ill than ever if they wanted to do so. 

See all of my previous posts regarding this trial for connections to this testimony.

[surviving-guilt]

Checks and Balances

Many are keen on accepting the notion that the abused carry the abusers. This is what we call a revolving door.

They would also argue that the indifference of man is just as evil as evil men are by their actions.

If your friend texts you they’re going to kill someone and 10 minutes later does it, are you evil for not stopping them? Most people would say no.

If you and your friend are in a room with someone else, and they tell you they’re about to shoot the other person and 10 seconds later they do, are you evil for not stopping them? A little more wishy washy, but most people would tell you there was nothing you could do.

What if you were in the car with them, they parked in front of an ex’s house, and told you they were going to run them over the moment they walk out of the house? The ex opens the door, your friend whips around the block to gain speed and momentum, it takes about a minute and a half to make it around the block, you see the ex walk into the street, you see the impact coming and it happens. Are you evil for not grabbing the wheel at any point? For not texting someone or calling the authorities when it was still being premeditated? For not getting out of the car when you had the chance? The courts would decide if you were an accomplice or not, but would you be evil for your inaction? Whether you tried to talk them out of it or not?  -- If you say yes, why aren’t you equally as evil for the first example with the text? Why not for the second. People act as though “evil” and “immoral” are synonymous, they like to pretend all things are circumstantial, but that is truly a conclusion that people make up within their own minds. I will start my point here by saying on the conversation of “good” vs. “evil” there is no gray, it truly is black and white; it is light vs. darkness, or light vs. the lack there of. 

I say this because “morals” are man-made and vary culturally, therefore, in the grand scheme of mammal existence, morals do not exist. I know this because my dog does not know I’m an asshole for calling women bitches, but it does know if someone or something malicious or evil is present. Quick word of advice -- if your dog is usually nice to most humans and literally hates someone that walks in one day and you don’t know why, take the hint. Your dog will know to run away because of an earth quake or tsunami before you will, and it will know evil and toxic people before you realize it. Trust your dog. Anyhow, no one would argue that walking passed someone drowning a child in a pool or lake and not doing or saying anything makes you a fucked up person, but everyone has this confused fucked up conversation about what if that child was Hitler? Would a strict Catholic, against homosexuality and abortion, still believe in the purity of that fetus if it was born gay? Where are these invisible lines we draw in our heads and when is something gray and not black and white? I ask all these conflicting questions as someone who believes very little in circumstantial exclusions and gray areas. For example, many people recognize “high functioning” people on the Autism spectrum and that have asperger’s as having extraordinary talents despite their “disorder” but would look at someone who is schizophrenic as having a simply negative disorder. I do not. I feel all mental disorder, both naturally occuring and developed through physical or mental trauma, is both an affliction and a potentially powerful adaptation and expansion of mental ability and/or capacity. This is not to say that this is true at face value. I am sociopathic, have bipolar disorder including BPD, seasonal depression on top of Bipolar, PTSD, severe ADHD, and go through bouts of anxiety at different points in my life depending on where I am, it’s a living hell, i know. But surviving it and battling it head-on when it’s easier to run away long enough to learn ways to manage it and cultivate the “positive” symptoms along with the bad ones has left me more capable than I was before these disorders overtook my entire life. I am in no way saying that ALL people with mental disorders are better for having them, not at all actually. At their worst, these disorders are so debilitating that they kill who they afflict, or rob them of the ability to lead a successful functional life, or even form basic human relationships, and these examples are what most of society uses as their basis for their impression of mental illness in general. When you hear the term “sociopath” the images that come to mind may be serial killers, child abusers, animal abusers, or generally evil people, but I’m sure your first thought isn’t “Owner of a Fortune 500 company.” As i’m sure when you hear “Autistic child” you don’t immediately imagine tech geniuses that are the best in data analysts, developing algorithms to make for better technology, or catching hackers and predators by sorting metadata for big companies and the government.  I’m also sure you hear schizophrenia and think that someone should be in a jacket or heavily medicated and a danger to society, but have never thought that you may have met a very high fuctioning schizophrenic who goes untreated and you just think of them as nice and quirky. Someone you may know with dissociation may come off as selfish and forgetful and insensitive or overly sensitive, but I’m sure you wouldn’t think that in the time of complete crisis, they may be the sanest, most calm and rational person in the room capable of leading everyone to safety rather than being in complete panic, now would you? Someone with OCD may come off as an anal, controlling, selfish, narcissistic, and sometimes condescending prick, but they’ll know where the exits in the room are, when someone may trip in front of you due to an untied shoe, exactly how much time until the next bus, etc. Someone suffering from severe anxiety that has learned to manage it may actually know better than you when something is worth freaking out about, because they focus so hard on reasoning and not letting irrational fears and feelings overtake, that when they finally do let themselves freak out, just like my dog hating someone, it IS time to listen and freak out. People often mistake ADHD as the inability to concentrate, but often time the issue is that they are focused on TOO MANY things at once and don’t have the energy to fix any one thing because they’re experiencing more of the world at once than you can fathom without drugs. Most people don’t believe that in any given moment, I can be listening to you speak, have music on, have a completely different song playing in my head, while thinking about the past and wondering about the future on two different trains of thought going in different directions, and texting someone all at the same time while still actively listening and responding to whomever I’m speaking to with no issue. My ADHD is an issue when I have to sit in a quiet room and accomplish one task, too little stimulus is my downfall, not too much. My last example is those with emotional disconnection issues, be it from PTSD, sociopathy, autism, anxiety, or a variety of other potential factors. They may find it hard to care, like, and especially love, and may come off as “cold” and incapable of sympathy, empathy, or tenderness beyond simple introductory kindness, but believe me when I tell you that when they DO care, when they DO love, when they do form a bond, no one you ever meet will care more, love harder, and try with everything inside them than they will. Saying “I love you” less DOES make it more valuable when it is said. 

So with all this said, when is the last time you had an argument with yourself? Who won? Did that seem like a stupid question? You see, people think that symptoms of disorders are exclusive to those WITH disorders, but you see people every day who exhibit the same behaviors as people like me. How many times have you caught yourself purposely not stepping on cracks in the sidewalk? Do you think your have OCD for that? Do you get sad and not want to go outside or leave your bed when there’s bad weather? Do you think you suffer from major depression for that? Does a similar sound, smell, or image that reminds you of an old bad memory make you cringe or feel bad? Do you think you have PTSD for that? More than often, the case is no with all these questions, but you exhibit symptoms without having the rest. So if someone with bipolar disorder learns how to manage their bad symptoms, but allows themselves to exhibit the more practical or useful symptoms, such as high energy and drive during a manic phase, are they not using their disorder as a beneficial tool or way to get ahead without suffering fully from the full negative symptoms of the disorder? Is this wrong? Or an unnatural leg up? Is it wrong to exploit a disorder for a benefit? You may think it’s circumstantial, but I simply do not. One can take advantage of manic symptoms to simply gain, such as being able to go to school, go to work, hang out, party, have the confidence to get with someone and do school work all in one day with little sleep, yes. But what if someone was just coming out of their major depressive episode, finals are coming up, work is at it’s busiest, their friends need them for help through a tough time, and they’re having personal issues at home? Is tapping into the manic energy, drive, and full-on go mode to not collapse under the pressure they’re undergoing considered taking advantage? I would think not. Now let’s revisit our more extreme examples from the beginning. Someone has a dissociative personality disorder, or “split personalities”, they are both you and your friend in the example about killing someone. Part of them fears the other part doing something they consider evil such as murder, does the part that doesn’t reach out or do something about it get the same judgement the part that carries out the act does? Is not stopping a death  you can evil? Yes. But what if your reason is because there is so much stigma against the mentally ill that the absolute fear of being attacked, detained, misunderstood, or not listened to is what causes your silence? If you tell someone you get institutionalized and labeled a danger, if you don’t you commit the act and are looked at as evil over ill, and you can’t just walk faster past it because both people are inside you. This is the torment that leads us to kill ourselves out of fear for not stopping ourselves from the pain we can cause because we’re afraid to reach out for help. But now, what if one personality is a sociopath and the other is human as can be, and just anxious? What if that sociopath is smart and instinctual enough to catch on to the fact that someone is evil, maybe about to go runover their girlfriend and kill her? It wants to do the right thing because the other personality cares about morals and it sees evil. The sociopath recognizes evil, and realizes he can’t reach out for help because he’s labeled as mentally ill, therefore not credible and “damaged” so he decided to drown the person who is going to kill his ex. You, a neurotypical person, walk past him drowning the would be murderer, and choose to keep walking. Putting all morals to the side, who was evil?  The stigmas we have towards the mentally ill not only cause them to suffer directly, but it blinds us to the great potential those who have mental illness have and how they can do such greater things in society BECAUSE of their disorder, and we shut them out instead of letting them in out of fear for what they may do, instead of letting them in out of excitement for what they may do. That same person struggling with an inner sociopathic personality may be a huge asset to law enforcement, but won’t be allowed to be because they would fail a psych eval.  The point of this post is that if we were more supportive of those with mental disorders CULTIVATING and managing their symptoms to their benefit, rather than suppressing ALL symptoms with stigmas, shame, and medication, we could be a lot further along on our progress as a society instead of muting the great minds that could better us all. We create the serial killers and “psychopaths” of the world by forcing them to have to run away from themselves based on the potential of the damage they can do rather than the potential of the great they can do with self discipline, self awareness, and joined management with professionals that can give them the tools to use their disorders for good rather than suppress what makes them who they are. For some, we are not defined by our disorders, but in some cases we ARE our disorders, and suppressing that makes us less human than you think we are with them. Abusing us makes us the abusers when we give up on trying to get help, and for many the ones we abuse are ourselves to dangerous and even fatal extents.

The biggest thing I want to stress is not looking at someone with connection issues or sociopathic tendencies as a serial killer or societal reject, because when we learn to put our resentment for not feeling things the same as others aside, we rely on our instinct and we’re much closer to recognizing evil the way your dog does than you are, and our trouble grasping “moral” vs “immoral” doesn’t mean we can’t teach ourselves right and wrong if you let us try to learn more about ourselves other than “YOU’RE BAD.” All of this is food for thought, and me realizing what I wish I did years ago, I’m not as bad as I think I am, and I’m not as bad as I can be, and most importantly, not letting myself be as bad as I can be makes me good. It is okay that the only opinion of me I care about it my own, because it is me that has to learn how to live as me, manage me, and control myself for better or worse. Not accepting help is okay, taking a step back and saying “i need this time to figure me out” is okay, and warning people that you’re afraid of not responding well in certain situations or doing something others would find wrong is okay if you recognize something and say or do something about it.

It is okay to be ill and not suppress yourself if you learn to cultivate the good. I am not handicapped, in fact, I’m one of the most capable people I know. Self improvement is not selfish. I may never love myself, but I can appreciate the good parts in all the bad, and that’s huge. FUCK YOUR STIGMA, BE YOUR OWN BIGGEST FAN AND CRITIC, AND BE WHAT YOU GOTTA BE EVEN IF ITS IMMORAL AS LONG AS ITS GOOD.

Congrats if you read this.  

Thoughts?