#and it is too hard to force myself to reengage in the actual writing

[smileinthedark]

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[villainousvillains]

Loki x Reader - Lesson Four: It’s Important to Feel Comfortable

Requested by Anon: I have an idea for another aura fic where she is in a big battle with everyone else, and as she is almost killed by a bad guy, her aura pulsates like a supernova and sends everything in a ten foot radius flying! She doesn’t know how she did the aura pulse, nor does she have control over it, so another lesson ensues to try and master the pulse!

A/N: *whispers* I love this one so much. eep. Also this title took me 20 years to come up with and I don’t like it I’m sorry. It doesn’t do this fic justice. In the process I came up with a title for another “lesson” so. Request away so I can use it. And another also, I’m posting this at a different time than normal bc I just finished it and I want to get it out as soon as possible bc I love it but then I had laptop troubles but I’ll probably reblog it tomorrow to make sure ppl see it bc I’ve seen other writing blogs do that... phew I’m kind of a crazy mess right now but writing this aura reader made me feel a lot better.

Other aura reader stuff:

Lesson One: Know Who You’re Up Against

Lesson Two: Leave the Past Alone

Lesson Three: Choose Your Words Wisely

Introductions

Ghost

“Have I taught you nothing?” Loki’s annoyed voice rang into my ear.

“Essentially!” I spat back, wiping debris and sweat off my face. Loki had been pissing me off so much today, and the fact that I was losing every battle I engaged in did not help.

“Get away from that one; I’ll handle him,” Loki barked. I sat straight up.

“No! I got it!” My feet slid in the dirt as I stood up, but I managed. My head swirled when I got to my feet and it took me a few seconds to catch my breath, but I quickly reengaged with the guy I was fighting. He was a scrawny dude, but his weapon was the biggest problem. He kept knocking me off my feet and catching me off guard, not giving me a chance to recompose.

“Stay one step ahead of him! Don’t let-”

I shut my earpiece off with a short growl, and summoned my aura to launch my body into the air, shooting wing-like shapes into the air in the color of my aura. I dodged the shots fired at me with ease, then dove in, trying to knock the weapon out of his hands. My efforts were in vain, and with a huff, I hovered back up in the air. Before I had time to react, I felt a surge of pain throughout my body. My focus was interrupted and I fell to the ground with a thud. I looked down and saw I was wrapped in some electric wire that the guy had shot from his weapon. The more I struggled, the tighter it wrapped, and the more my vision got blurry. I summed my aura the best I could, but it kept fading away. I groaned in pain, but I wasn’t about to give up. With a final burst of energy, I shut my eyes, suddenly getting my second wind. I was overwhelmed with energy and auras, consuming everything that surrounded me, then I felt no pain.

My ears rang, and I slowly opened my eyes. The wires that had previously been causing me so much pain sat beside me in useless strands, but the more surprising thing I saw was the barren wasteland that now sat in front of me. I wheezed, trying to catch my breath, as I looked that the circle I had created in the dirt and debris around me. Every bad guy we had been fighting was on the ground, which was good, but so was every avenger who had been grounded. I saw Cap sit up, dazed, and Nat laying face down.

I threw my hand to my ear to turn my communications back on. “Loki?” I breathed. “Where are you? Are you-”

“Y/n, are you okay? You weren’t near that explosion, were you?” He called back, voice frantic.

“I… I think I was the explosion.”

. . . . . . .

I never wanted to move again. My legs were sore, my arms were sore, muscles I didn’t know existed where sore. It was awful. It had been three days since the mission and the soreness had only dulled a little.

I rolled out of bed like a burrito and walked to the kitchen for breakfast, wrapped in a blanket that made me feel secure. Loki was there as I walked in, like he usually was, eating the leftover breakfast casserole we didn’t even know who had made.

“Hey,” I muttered, opening the freezer, looking for sausage biscuits.”

“Hi,” he replied, his voice sounding slightly concerned, but I ignored it. He hadn’t spoken to me much since after the mission. He was probably still mad at me. I put the biscuits in the microwave and turned around to lean against the fridge, facing Loki.

“You’re still mad,” I stated.

“Extremely,” Loki grumbled, pushing his food around with his fork.

I pursed my lips and nodded. “You’re not exactly reacting the way I thought you would.” Loki took in a deep breath, pondered saying something, then didn’t. “I’d rather you yell at me.”

“I’m not going to scold you.”

“Well, you should do something. I don’t know. You’re being annoying.”

Loki let out a grunt, making my eyes widen, not sure why I had asked him to react normally. “You are… absurd!” he exclaimed. I licked my lips and pressed them together in nervousness. “You don’t listen to me, you haven’t been using any of the skills I’ve taught you, and now you refuse to use your powers at all because of what happened last time! And you won’t talk about it with anyone! Not even me.” The last part was more of a mutter than anything else, but the rest was what I expected to hear immediately after the mission. Except for the part about me not using my powers. I didn’t think he had noticed.

“I have used my powers…”

“A blatant lie? Really? You usually try to mask it more than that,” Loki hissed, all fired up now. He stood up in a huff and threw his plates in the sink.

“I’ve only been resting,” I said, trying again. Loki turned to face me with a scary smile.

“See? Now that’s more like it,” he said with false pride, pointing a finger at me. “That one is more difficult to see through because that’s a lie you’re also telling yourself.” I rolled my eyes, exasperated by his ability to see through me. “If you believe it, then so should I,” he continued. “But the problem for you,” He came close to me and put his hands on both of my arms, “is that I know you too well.”

I looked up at him then down as I let out a sigh. “I really don’t want to use my powers again. That was… something I didn’t know I could do, and if I trigger it again... “ I trailed off and looked at Loki for reassurance.

“We’re going to have another lesson,” Loki told me, and I shook my head, fear coursing through my veins. “We’re going to have another lesson because you need to get over this fear. You’re not going to hurt anyone.”

I trusted Loki with my life, but I absolutely did not believe him.

. . . . . . .

“Start with the small stuff until you feel comfortable again,” Loki instructed. My hands shook, and I hated it. I had never been afraid of my powers. Even when I was still with my parents and they were afraid, and I still couldn’t totally control it, I knew I would never hurt anyone with it. It wasn’t like a weapon I possessed. It was my aura. It was a part of me and a part of everyone. I wasn’t creating anything out of thin air, I was using what already existed.

“I really don’t feel comfortable at all, Loki.” I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with my powers. It suddenly hurt to look at the auras that surrounded me. I wanted to crawl back in bed.

“Alright. New approach,” Loki announced, rubbing his hands together, evil villain style. He looked around at the gym. “It’s a bit tight in here, isn’t it?”

I shrugged and nodded, but Loki didn’t even look at me for a response. His aura dashed to his fingers, swirling around his palm as he raised his arm. Slowly, he moved his arm, rotating his body around the room, and as he did, the entire location changed. We were suddenly in an open, grassy field. I looked at Loki, confused.

“Where-”

“It’s actually quite hard to explain, but you won’t hurt anyone here,” Loki answered, looking around at the open field, breathing in the fresh air.

“I could hurt you,” I pointed out.

“You won’t,” he replied, not a care in the world. “Now, let’s figure this out.”

He helped me get comfortable again. He let me lift him up, talked me through relearning illusions, flying, picking up inanimate objects.

“You feel better?” Loki asked as i guided myself back down.

“Yeah,” I replied, breathing hard. I had tried to do tricks in the air.

“You really need to better your stamina,” Loki observed.

I reluctantly nodded. “Yeah, I know,” I grumbled. “I’m using my energy, though. I can’t just… make more.”

Loki picked up a finger. “Ah, which reminds me. Do you have any idea how you created that… pulse? If that was all your own power, you should have passed out or-”

“No, I should have died,” I corrected him. Loki fell silent, but I didn’t let the air stay quiet for long. “I think I used the energy from the electric rope around me? Or just from the auras around me… I’m not really sure. It was a blur.”

Loki nodded along, thinking. “I have an idea.”

“I’m not doing that again,” I said, stopping any plan he was forming.

“You need to know how to control it and how to do it,” he told me while I shook my head vigorously. “It could be very useful.”

“No, Loki. If something goes wrong I don’t know what could happen.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

“I might!” I barked. “Once again, I don’t know-”

“I can protect myself.” Loki’s voice felt like he was putting a spell on me. So firm and confident but also soothing and gentle.

“You haven’t in the past,” I argued, thinking back to the two times I launched him across a room with barely any effort.

Loki tilted his head with a smirk. “You think I would let you push me over that many times and not figure out how to defend myself? Don’t forget our first lesson.”

“How could I ever?” I said dryly, shaking my head. “You only bring it up every five seconds.”

“Trust me,” Loki said, tilting his head down, forcing me to look in his eyes. “It’s better for you to do this.”

I bit the inside of my lip and looked around that the open, harmless area. “Fine!” I gave in. “Okay. Fine. Let’s do this. What’s your… stupid idea.”

Loki let out a laugh. “Alright. I’ll summon as much magic as I can. I’m not completely sure how the summoning works. Usually I just… do things, but I’ll try, then you use that energy along with some of yours to create the pulse.”

I sighed and nodded.

“But,” Loki continued, remembering something. “Not too much of your own.”

I continued nodding, then shook my arms out, getting ready. “Okay,” I breathed. “Okay, okay, I’m ready.”

Loki gave a short nod and shut his eyes. I watched him more intently than I every had. His aura became a deep green and flowed around him like a current. It was beautiful. I snapped out of it before I became to dazed and focused his energy the best I could. I felt awake again, like I had during the mission. Loki summoned so much power, it was almost more than what I had felt before. I shut my eyes, quickly becoming overwhelmed. What I previously had thought was just a second wind, I knew now was just pure energy. Pure aura. Whether it was Loki’s natural aura, his magical aura, or my own aura, I had it all. I felt a rush, then a familiar ringing in my ears that meant it was over.

My eyes stayed shut longer than they really needed to, but I almost never wanted to open them again. I was scared of what I might see. When I finally managed to open my eyes, I wasn’t too surprised. The grassy field was now mainly dirt and upturned plants. I whipped around, trying to find Loki, but he wasn’t where he had been.

“Loki,” I said, almost growling. He had promised I wouldn’t hurt him. He had told me he would be fine. If he even had a scratch, I was going to kill him. “Loki?” I called, louder this time.

“Here.” I heard a gravelly voice call from behind a small hill that used to be covered in grass. I ran over to the voice despite my legs being jelly. I jumped to the bottom of the small hill and found Loki there, on his back, face covered in dirt.

“You said you wouldn't get hurt!” I screamed, angrier than I had ever been. “Fuck, Loki, you said!”

“I’m fine!” He assured me, trying to sound confident but it failed when he grimaced slightly as he sat up. I fell to his side, conflicted between being concerned or furious. “I’m really fine. It happened more suddenly that I thought it would, so I was just a bit late in deploying my shield.”

“I swear to god, Loki, I’m so pissed right now I just-” I growled through clenched teeth. Loki laughed and put his hand on my arm. I glared at him in response.

“That was impressive,” he said, looking at me in admiration.

“Thanks,” I muttered in response. “I don’t like doing it.”

“But now you know how. It could be-”

“Very useful, I know.”

Loki nodded and looked down, then back at me. “No one is going to force you to use it. We don’t have to tell the others about this.”

I licked my lips. “I’d rather not.”

Loki and I looked at each other in understanding and in… something else that I couldn’t pinpoint.

“You have so much dirt on your face,” I said with a small smile. Loki only kept staring at me, one eyebrow ever so slightly cocked, as if I hadn’t said anything. I cleared my throat. “Hello? Earth to Loki?” I  waved a hand in front of him, snapping him out of whatever trance he had been in.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Shall we return?”

I nodded, eyebrows furrowed, and he put us back in the gym within seconds. Loki’s aura was still fairly active as we stood up, and mine was as well, despite having recovered from my aura pulse. But it was strange because I didn’t feel energetic or frantic or overwhelmed like when I was about to release the pulse.

I suddenly reached my arm out and grabbed Loki’s sleeve, forcing him to look at my distraught facial expression. “Oh my god,” I said, heart racing. “I forgot my sausage biscuits in the microwave.”

Another A/N: Okay wait wouldn’t “Pulse” be a cool superhero name for aura reader? Maybe that’s just me? Idk I feel like that’s pretty damn cool.

TAGGED:

@sarahivi @ilvermornyqueen @gladerb5 @tbetz0341 @1800-fight-me @nowitsyourturntocry @lokilover2000 @emergenciesstory @savemealoevera @frostymoon11 @stayfrosty-royalsunshine @scarred-neptinite @phonegalhelp @cruisingheightswithdragons @lusty-loki @ourdeliciousfoxcollector

[callmeblake]

Gerard Way in Kerrang Issue # 1653

“The Stars of 2017″

Magazine Release Date: January 11th, 2017

Issue Label: January 14th, 2017

Transcript below!

AND NOW REJOICE SOME MORE!

MENTAL HEALTH, NEW MUSIC AND, OF COURSE, COMIC BOOKS. IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE LAST HEARD FROM GERARD WAY, BUT WE’RE DELIGHTED TO SAY HE’S GOT MUCH TO TELL US…

Kerrang! (UK)

11 Jan 2017

GERARD WAY has revealed his plans for 2017 in an emotional blog post – and after a quiet 2016 on the music-front, we might be hearing new material before the year is out.

Gerard, who last posted a message to fans in October, has been busy of late working on a new Doom Patrol series with artist Nick Derington for his Young Animal imprint for DC Comics. In his latest missive, the former MCR frontman discloses his reasons for largely disappearing from the public eye and outlines his plans for the year ahead.

“I basically hit a point where I didn’t feel like I had anything constructive to contribute, so I made myself scarce,” writes Gerard.“i really needed to do some thinking and growing, and the last couple years have definitely been a journey of personal growth.after getting over a hump, I have been the most mentally healthy I could possibly be in a long time.

“But it did seem like something was always coming up, getting in the way of communication. Over the years, I just think this is how I operate – sometimes I’m around, and sometimes I’m not. I used to attribute the times when I was around to manic episodes, and then the times when I am gone to depressed phases, but I think it’s a little more basic than that. I think I just have a limit to how available I can make myself over long periods of time, especially when I’m learning things. so, I think my life will always be a series of disappearing and reappearing acts. I’m at peace with that.”

The only ‘new’ music fans have heard in the last year were two unreleased tracks from Gerard’s 2014 hesitant Alien sessions; the songs Don’t Try and Pinkish appeared on a seven-inch coloured vinyl as a Record store Day exclusive. he also released Into The Cave We Wander with Ray Toro as a super-limited cassette tape at Newyork Comic Con,as well as contributing vocals to Andy Biersack’s solo album The shadow side (as Andy Black).yet this fairly fallow musical period looks set to end, as Gerard prepares to build a home studio in order to “mine for the really hard to get diamonds”.

“I am always writing music and I’m about to convert a structure on our property into a recording studio,” he notes.“it actually won’t take a lot of work as the space is already pretty perfect: great drum sounds and church ceilings. I look forward to making some really weird stuff here.”

He adds that his new material may tie in with his artistic creations, too:“now that Young Animal is running well, it gives me more breathing room to make sounds, some of which may even be connected to the comics.”

For now, though, Gerard’s focus remains on completing the fourth volume of Doom Patrol and plans to revisit The Umbrella Academy series in the coming months. “We’re a little late at the moment with Doom Patrol, so I am doing my best to stay on top of things and Nick is working hard to make sure we can produce the best possible book for you guys,” he explains. “Through all of the work we still connect every day and fan the sparks of our ideas. The fire is very real there, and the thing that keeps us going and fighting hard is knowing that we have amazing things to share with you guys, so thank you so much for understanding that sometimes things take a little extra time. I have also been able to reengage with Umbrella Academy as I catch up on Doom. Doom Patrol is a monthly book, so sometimes it forces you to make it a priority, and Umbrella Academy is a series of miniarcs that come out when they are ready, so you can see the conflict there.” With new music, comic deadlines and a recently-announced appearance at Leeds’ Thought Bubble comic convention in the autumn, Gerard admits that he’s learning new ways of juggling his work-life balance – and knowing when to draw a line under a demanding project.“aside from working on myself mentally, I’ve also had to start adjusting to new ways of working, constantly striving to raise my output. I have always been detail-obsessed and perfectionoriented, so it takes a little learning to let things out into the world.you can only labour over something so long. I don’t think I’ve ever finished an album or a comic, they just come out when they have to.” so, after a fairly low-key year, prepare for all manner of activity from Gerard Way in the coming months.we’re only a couple of weeks into 2017 but it looks like his diary is fit to burst already. Brace yourselves.

“THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS HAVE BEEN A JOURNEY OF GROWTH”

[keepherkingsjane]

A letter I held out for a couple weeks and sent off last week. I’m begging, desperate.

I'm in Fort Myers right now, boxing up my life. It hurts being here. I miss you. I wish you would change your mind and call. I want my friend back.

I tried a new therapist who had me list the depressive episodes I could remember and what I thought caused it, an exercise to determine my triggers. There were a few that were work and housing stress. But nearly everything stemmed from feeling unloved, not good enough. He also said I was grieving. It feels weird to use that word. It feels like a word to use for death and you're very much alive. I'm reminded of a C.S. Lewis quote. 'No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.' I'm scared of the space you left, scared I won't find the safety in someone else because I have already been looking for years for someone other than you.

It hurt me that you said that I need to 'build my life around therapy right now.' I know it came from a place of kindness, but it made me feel like you think I'm so fucked up and I'm not good enough. Therapy is a good thing. It will help, but it won't and cannot fix the root of my problem. Therapists cannot love me. They can give me coping mechanisms to try, but what I need are people who actually care about me. Conferences are my happy place, because I have friends there. That’s what I need -- friends! You deciding you didn’t want to be friends anymore with me was one of the most damaging things you could’ve done for me. This summer was so difficult, because I lost you after losing everyone else I had been close to. I was at my weakest point in years and you left.

I spent years before you building myself up, loving myself, gaining the confidence to think I was lovable. I really thought I was deserving of love. Think about that --- I thought I was so loveable I thought a man who avoided commitment would move across the country to give us a chance. You helped chip that confidence away. And not because of Ohio, but because you wouldn’t make room for me in your life consistently. You weren’t alone. A thousand little cuts. So many others chipped away at me, stopped being my friend, but you gave me the message that I could be my very best and still not good enough to be in your life. Alex, you were a big reason why I needed therapy. I don't want that to hurt you. It is a good idea for many people to be in therapy and there's many ways I can always benefit from it even when I'm not depressed (as can you). But a chunk of my depressive episodes in the past year came because you pushed me away, you didn't want to make room for me in your life. You found a hundred ways to tell me I wasn’t good enough. You blamed me. You disengaged, making me feel ashamed and scared and crazy, and then reengaged like a habit. My pain wasn't about not being your girlfriend. It was because I repeatedly felt I wasn't good enough to be your friend since we weren't dating. You repeatedly made the choice to not treat me kindly consistently.

I know I asked too much of you for moving, but it was never too much to ask you to be kind and communicate. Yes, I'm in love with you and I wanted a relationship. But I wanted you to be in my life above all else. You being in my life was never dependent on us dating, but you couldn't see me in your life otherwise. When I told you everything I have ever done with you was to keep you in my life, you took offense and implied dating was the end game. Why couldn’t you trust me when I said that? When have I ever lied to you? Why didn’t you even try to find another way forward for us? Why did you have to treat every attempt for me to be close to you as a threat? You did! So many times. You even accused me of trying to seduce you with hugs when I was vulnerable and wanting comfort. I’m okay with the exquisite pain of vulnerability, but you are not. Instead of communicating that to me, you made me feel ashamed like I was doing something wrong for wanting to be close.

"Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." - Tom Robbins

My decision three years ago after seeing you in Florida was that I never wanted to lose you again. I was trying to be flexible in order to have you in my life.

Why couldn't you have just said, "I care about you. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to date you, but you're my friend, you're a wonderful part of my life and I'll make room for you." Don't you realize how damaging it was for to push me away and then pull me in? I wasn't asking you to be all in and love me anymore. I wanted to matter to you enough that you'd make room for me. Nearly all the pain you caused me had nothing to do with dating or not. You just had to be kind and let me be your friend and you couldn’t do it. You deciding I wasn't worth making space for, continuing a friendship, facing the uncomfortableness of being vulnerable enough to make space for me was the pain.

You had a choice. You could've made room for me in your new life. You could've said, 'Cheals, you are my friend. You're important to me. We'll have to figure out a way to navigate a different relationship between us. But as long as we're appropriate, I won't cut you out of my life because I'm dating someone else." But you didn't. It was never an option what you'd do for me, what concessions you'd make. I had to be the one to change. Again. I gave you so much and you asked yet another thing of me. I had to be okay with you dating. Even after I communicated to you what is devastating was that you would cut me out, you never said you wouldn’t. You know me. Do you honestly think I wouldn’t have been supportive? Why couldn’t you have trusted me to make my own decisions about what I was comfortable with? Why did I yet again have to give you something extra in order to be in your life? Why was I never good enough on my own? After everything -- why did I mean so little to you that you weren’t willing to even try? I loved you for free and it wasn’t enough. When have I ever not done what I promised? A large reason I wanted to write is because I was worried you didn’t realize that you had the option, that you could’ve chosen to be better. You either didn’t realize and could correct it now. Or you did know it was an option and consciously decided I wasn’t worth it. The latter is devastating.

You are not the guy who didn't move to Ohio. I’ve never had that as your defining decision. I hated that you decided how I thought of you. You were to me then and still are the guy who listened to me in DC, who had this delightful hunger on your face when you realized I wasn’t wearing panties, and who routinely reminded me of my own strength independent of anything anyone else. I think of you as magic still, I’m very much still in wonder of you and always wanted to risk the joy you brought into my life. You instead chose to be the guy who didn't think I was worth making room for in your life even after six years, that you could tell me I made you a better person and was the most positive force of change in your life, but you didn’t want me in your new, better life. You treated me as a threat the majority of the time I’ve known you because you have your wall up and can only dose out intimacy in small amounts when I’m not staying around. That feeling you get that your stomach is being ripped out of you with commitment, that’s vulnerability. You should’ve recognized the hurdles you have instead of blaming me, making me feel crazy or unreasonable for wanting to be cared for. It was always okay for you to have your own boundaries if you were willing to grow and be kind. It was even okay when you fucked up. You are still my favorite person, but you hurt me a lot. The solution to hurting me wasn’t to walk away and to hurt me more, the solution was to care enough about me that you’d be a better friend to me and make room for me in your life. And you were incredible and kind for awhile, but always with the weight hanging over me that there was an expiration date for your kindness. But every day you don’t call and say, I miss you, I want to be your friend, you’re making that decision again that I’m not worth the effort to be in your life.

I want my friend back. I want to talk to you. I want to know what is going on in your life and for you to make me laugh. You said you don't want me waiting on you. How can I not? How can I not wait in hope that you'll miss me enough to want to be my friend again? How can I not believe in you as much as I do and not think you’ll choose to be brave? I've never been waiting on you to date me. You know me more than anyone else. You already know all the good and the bad. You know how well I love you and the good I can be in your life. You don't want to date me. I was my very best to you. There's nothing I can do left. I was brave and vulnerable and shared with you my hopes for us. And you used it to punish me. I have spent years missing you and loving you, but I have never been waiting on you for us to date. I have dated others constantly in between. I just knew you were my favorite and it will take someone very special to make enough room in my heart - and that’s okay.

The only thing I've ever waited on for you to do is to realize that you should and can treat me better. You didn't need to be in love with me. But I needed you to care enough about me outside dating to make room for me in your life. I know what it is like to not speak to you for nearly a year. It is terrible. I do not want to and cannot do it again. I don't think there will ever be a day I don't miss you and wish you'd call and be my friend again. I miss you. You are my favorite person. You were the greatest source of light in my life. I thought I earned a place in your life even if it required you to do something hard and uncomfortable. Dan says if someone doesn’t want me as a friend, I should just think, ‘Fine! Your loss, I’m awesome!’ But my life is less good without you. And I think yours is probably less good. We made each other better. I want to talk to you when you’re scared, when I’m scared, and remind each other of all the ways we can be brave. I want the contagious joy of conversations with you. You’re like listening to a great song that makes me bubble inside like there’s a great climax ready to come on and I’ll keep shifting into the music waiting for a crescendo that never comes and I just keep bubbling up to my rim. I miss your voice. I miss you making me feel like that on the other side of the line. I want the delight we bring to each other’s lives. Please consider making room for me.