#and it helps me process real emotions i otherwise struggle with

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

Another week chock full of Japanese ql. I am officially dropping a currently airing show from QL Corner--let us never speak of it again. Of the other six shows still airing now, five are streaming weekly on Gaga and the other is available via fansub.

Takara's Treasure

This is quickly becoming one of my favorite things airing—it gets better every week, and it's been good from the start! This story is a great example of the way tension and depth of feeling in a great romance can build. I was delighted to have Takara confirm Taishin's confession and coax him into dating this early on because it means we are going to actually spend some time with them figuring out how to work as a couple. And I don't expect it will be smooth sailing, because these two have some incompatible issues that are going to exacerbate each other.

Cosmetic Playlover

This show is gorgeous, but it all feels pretty empty. Thank you to @usertoxicyaoi for confirming that the show is racing through the plot so it can cover the whole arc of the manga. I'm glad to understand why it's doing this, but it doesn't help with my total emotional disconnect from the story, because the show is rushing through and not letting us actually experience this relationship. They tell us they like each other, then that they're in love, then that they're established and struggling, but I can't feel it because they haven't brought us along for any of that. This week featured an interesting plot about their professional growth and how it challenges their relationship, but I was frustrated because I have no investment in said relationship to give the plot stakes. I may just have to accept that this one will stay a treat for the eyes but lacking in depth for me.

I Hear the Sunspot

We back! After a bit of a miscalibrated installment last week, this episode felt more characteristic and we finally got our boys back on track. Maya was less egregiously mean to people this week and her interference was treated as more comedic than sinister, which is a much better fit for the tone of this show. And once Kohei got around her, he finally talked properly with Taichi and asked him to stay on as his notetaker, reaffirming their friendship in the process. Despite Maya's efforts to convince him otherwise, Kohei has not wavered and his firm declaration that he doesn't want anyone but Taichi taking his notes or eating his food had me gasping. For his part, Taichi is getting better at keeping his cool and finding words when Kohei lets his feelings slip, and he's clearly thinking a lot about his own feelings and whether their connection is really about friendship.

Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko

Oh man, this show has really gotten itself into a muddle. We finally got a kiss, but it hardly felt like a triumph. This episode was a bit of a return to form, with Ayaka back to her relentless pursuit of Hiroko, but the way the story diverged to change the conflict midstream has mucked it all up. For the first half the conflict was about Hiroko believing Ayaka is straight, and then suddenly it was about a different work-related closet trauma that did not connect to that. Now it’s touching on both but in a way that makes Hiroko seem inconsistent, because now that she knows Ayaka is a lesbian it doesn't track that she would continue to patronize and dismiss her, and it also sucks that Ayaka is harassing Hiroko at work despite knowing she doesn't want to be out. It feels like the story is invalidating Hiroko’s fears about being out in a way we know is not consistent with reality. This would all work better if the backstory had been about Hiroko falling for a woman who succumbed to comphet and we kept up the misunderstanding and comedy about Ayaka being straight. As it is, I feel like our heroine no longer makes sense and our couple still hasn't formed a real connection, and with only one episode to go it’s unlikely they’ll land the plane.

Mr. Mitsuya's Planned Feeding

I just love everything about this show and its mature perspective on relationships. In the aftermath of Ishida's hasty confession (and his attempt to walk it back, which I love that Mitsuya did not fall for), we take a beat for Mitsuya to consider the two men circling him and what he wants from his life. I loved that he took the time he needed to process and end his relationship with Noguchi on his own terms this time, and to consider whether he has the desire and the energy to try again with someone new. When he said he has his home and his work and his Frito and that's enough for him, I felt that. But Ishida has already gotten to him, and as Shige wisely pointed out, Mitsuya must care about him quite a bit to be considering this deeply before making a move. I'm not sure he's ready to dive in, but he doesn't have much will to fight it, either. You can go here for the files to watch this episode, with big thanks to @isaksbestpillow and @nicks-den.

Tagging @bengiyo to add this week's anime update.

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is: @oh-stars! ohstars has 91 fics in the Stranger Things fandom and 69 of them are in the Steddie tag!

@lady-lostmind recommends the following works by @oh-stars:

Fuck. I Think I Love You.

The Men We've Become (Series)

Yours (all along)

Hidden Depths

Distance

"ohstars has a way of making heartache feel so good. Every time I read one of their fics I know I'm in for something special, and will inevitably go through a wide range of emotions while I'm brought along for a ride with the characters. I love the way they show so much through small details, letting the characters actions speak for themselves a lot of the time and the insight you get as a reader when you catch glimpses of the story even the character hasn't realized yet and getting to watch them grow throughout the story. They have a way of showing the beauty in the little moments, and letting you linger in the sweet in-between of big points, letting the story build on itself slowly." -- @lady-lostmind

Below the cut, @oh-stars answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

I think a lot of my ships boil down to Golden Retriever x Stoic Character. Add in that I adore when there’s a character who would sacrifice themselves to an inch of survival (if that) that gets the love and comfort they deserve, Steddie hits the spot. I’ve always been a big Steve fan but none of the ships prior to season four really inspired anything in me. And it took a minute for Steddie to click (which I think is the case for a lot of us, volume two just hit different), but when it did, there was no going back. I really enjoy exploring their relationship within the universe and everything that comes with – from sexuality crises, coming out, saving the world, and Stobin struggling with Steve liking a gremlin of a man. They just love each other so freakin much, y’all.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

Misunderstandings, hurt/comfort, and kidfic are all tied as my favorites. It’s hard to pick just one because it really depends on my mood, but a good hurt/comfort is always the vibe.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

Slow burn. It’s kind of a cop out answer because it can be used in any fic and with any trope, but I love the build up.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

I read so much that I don’t know if I have one fic that’s my all time favorite. Bandaids for the Heart by LexiRoseWrites and Steve’s First Bruise by cairparavels are ones I think about pretty often.

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I’ve been toying with a royal au in my head for months, if not a year now. I just haven’t nailed the plot yet to want to put some real effort behind it. Once I have a better idea of the story, I can’t wait to dive in.

What is your writing process like?

Up in the air at the moment. It changes a lot over time. Something will work really well for a few months, then suddenly it doesn’t. Most of the time, I can’t seem to write unless I’m sprinting. Usually that’s a solo sprint, but I love writing with other people. I do a little light plotting ahead of time, then let the characters take the reins… which is probably why I hit so many walls throughout a fic.

Do you have any writing quirks?

I don’t know if I have any quirks that are unique to myself. I’m very particular about my format when writing. I can’t write without it being double spaced, times new roman, 12 pt, and justified, which is 100% a product of schools enforcing that format for projects. And I have a hard time actually sitting down to write without the help of writing games like sprints and the word game. Otherwise, I don’t do much editing? I do the bare minimum and post… which isn’t ideal. That’s the opposite of what I’d advise.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

I would love to be someone who can post on a schedule consistently, but it rarely happens. Usually I can only succeed with that when a fic is a part of an event, otherwise I always get behind on my schedule.

Which fic are you most proud of?

You carved the space for my sadness to be seen for once (hold on to me) has a very special place in my heart. Out of my Steddie fics, it’s probably the one that I hold most dear, but I’m incredibly proud of The Man That I Could Be. It’s taken a lot for me to be proud of that one, but it was a whirlwind of an experience. I still go back to it and can’t really believe I wrote it to begin with, even though I have vivid memories of writing some of those scenes.

How did you get the idea for Yours (all along)?

I had an initial idea of doing a teacher AU but also wanted to explore lavender marriage Stobin, so I just… ran with it. I didn’t know where I was going in that first chapter’s first draft, just let Eddie’s voice take over. The plot and idea formed the more he revealed to me, with a few standout points acting as markers to get me through.

When writing Yours (all along), what was something you didn’t expect?

I didn’t expect my big bang artist m0momercy to be inspired by as many scenes as they were! Whenever I write a big bang or event fic, I’m very aware of which scenes I think would be visually compelling versus ones that would be harder to create for. I may dabble in art, but I don’t consider myself an artist, so it really took me by surprise that they were able to take the most random (but beloved – that scare scene is everything to me) scenes and create magic out of my words. I adore them and their work (please go check them out!!), so it was really great getting the honor to work with them on this project.

What inspired Hidden Depths?

This one was based on a prompt for @steddiesummerexchange. I had been wanting to do a nerd Steve fic, so this was the perfect opportunity to explore what that would look like!

What was your favorite part to write from Fuck. I Think I Love You.?

The playlist!! imfinereallyy created the playlist for @strangerthingsreversebigbang and the art to go along with it, so I had the opportunity to create a story around their song choices. I listened to that playlist exclusively (rip my spotify history on that one) while writing it, tried to find new ways to interpret the songs and incorporate them into the fic, and I’m really happy with how it turned out.

How do/did you feel writing The Men We've Become?

Honestly, it’s a blur. The first 100k of The Man That I Could Be was written in a month, with the rest over the next few months. It’s a beast of a fic, the longest I’ve ever written. When I think back on that time, I genuinely think something possessed me when writing. I was sitting down and knocking out 5k writing sessions almost daily, tapping into depths I wasn’t really sure I had. It’s kind of insane to me that I finished it.

What was the most difficult part of writing Distance?

I wrote this fic as a part of @steddielovemonth and was doing my own 90-Day writing challenge. Honestly, the hardest part was remembering this was a writing exercise to see a snapshot of Steve and Eddie’s relationship, rather than a longer fic. I wanted it to have the feel of a longer work with the satisfaction of a one-shot. Keeping it short and in the moment, not letting myself get lost in the tangents, and having the fic have a grounded feel was really important to me so I’d hope that I was able to succeed there.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

I know there are lines that I’m proud of but for the life of me, I could not tell you what they are or where to find them. My two favorite scenes that come to mind though are the opener scene in you carved the space for my sadness to be seen for once (hold on to me) and the scene in chapter four of The Man That I Could Be – aka Steve’s breakdown/grief scene.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Oh gosh. I do plan on writing again soon, with a few FandomTrumpsHate fics coming out by the end of the year and new chapters of you carved the space for my sadness to be seen for once (hold on to me) coming soon. Otherwise, I mod a lot of things! @steddiebingo sign ups start November 1st and @steveharringtonbigbang starts January 1st!

Thank you to our author, @oh-stars, and our nominator, @lady-lostmind! See more of ohstars's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[shmowder]

hope this request is okay! could you do hcs for Daniil (and maybe Lara if it’s possible?) with a reader/partner who has ocd? (More so issues with compulsions and anxiety not anything cleaning/germ related lol) I found your one for bpd and really enjoyed! How respectfully you handled it! You’re one of the only fanfic writers I’ve found who honestly writes that kinda stuff with the proper weight! It’s really nice to see since all I usually can find it yandere stuff in relation to bpd

also what do you think about Anna possibly having ocd? She’s a canon germaphobe but she reads to me as having cohort bpd and ocd!!

With a partner who has OCD

[hurt/comfort, obsessive compulsive behaviour]

[GN Reader]

Daniil Dankovsky

He's the type of person to be driven by what he deems as logic, reason, and proven methods. Oblivious to his own emotional motives at times, although, it doesn't make them any less real.

It creates a conflict at first, between the two of you.

His attempts to rationalise your anxiety are in vain, only serving to further frustrate. This isn't a foe that can be bested by sound reason. It never plays fair.

He's merely repeating the same logical arguments you've already used against the irrational fears, only for it to feed off of the attention. Making things worse, and in turn confusing Daniil himself as he struggles to understand why these things which usually help ground him down, aren't having the same effect on you.

It doesn't matter what the thing itself is, how big or small, a part of your brain insists that you halt your entire day just to immediately attend to it. Demanding your attention by force, a nonstop recording looping in your brain all day long.

Be it from simply glancing down to make sure you're wearing the same pair of shoes, or stopping halfway through the street and digging out your keys to read the number printed on the metal and make sure it wasn't magically swapped by a different pair of keys.

These thoughts weave themselves so seamlessly between all your other daily thoughts, adorn a mask of urgency, and make themselves seem as real as the sun in the sky during that specific moment.

They mark themselves as a need, you need to do this, otherwise the consequences will be catastrophic, and you need to do it now, otherwise your entire day—if not life—will be ruined. A cruel part of your brain makes it seem like you'll lose everything in a moment of carelessness.

So you give into the urge and do what it wants just to stop from feeling physically ill, from all-consuming anxiety attacks, to escape this fake reality that somehow enclosed you into it while you were none the wiser.

But it doesn't stop there; the cycle repeats at a later time with a different thing.

Daniil doesn't comprehend this right away, it takes him time to come to the grim realisation that he was only adding to your misery, worsening your state, encouraging the obsessive thoughts by attempting to rationalise them. Those arguments never lead anywhere, only harming you in the process.

Insisting on his version of events, that his word alone should be enough to erase all of your doubts, unaware that those were thoughts and feelings outside of your control.

The Bachelor takes it up in stride, fully admitting to his mistake, no arguments, no making things difficult, no denying of what happened. A sincere apology, not empty words and flakey promises.

And so he does the only thing he knows in time of need, he studies, researches about what ails you, consults colleagues who specialise in psychology, dusting up the old books they let him borrow.

Completely turning towards a different approach, his previous methods were flawed. It'd do no one any good to keep clinging to them when all he ever wanted from the start was just to understand you.

Daniil's self-aware when it comes to his comforting skills… or lack thereof. Reassurance hasn't been one of his best skills.

What he is good at, however, is putting on the air of being in control, of seeming capable, and knowing he is. During his brief years of working in healthcare before he established Thanatica, his confidence seemed to comfort his patients on its own, convincing them that they're in reliable hands, and allowing him the benefit of the doubt at every turn.

Whenever you get the compulsive urge to check on the state of something, like a stove being left on, or a water tap left open, Daniil offers to do it himself instead.

He's reliable, you agree, don't you? So let him do it, don't give your compulsion the satisfaction of having things done its way and its way only.

Informing you that he'll take full responsibility if the worst really comes to be. Since he already went to check the thing your fears have been pestering you about, if it really turns out to be in a dire state, then it'd be his fault and not yours.

You're not the one who left the stove open since Daniil walked back home, saw it turned off with his own eyes, and came back to tell you.

And if the house really does burn down, oh well, then it means he's in urgent need of an eye prescription. It's not your burden to carry anymore. It's his, at least, not yours alone.

He'll take the fall and deal with any consequences that may follow. You'd be reluctant to trust him the first time around, and he'd do his best to help you go through the day, offering distractions, sharing the latest news in his work with you, slightly violating patient-doctor confidentiality as he tells you about that one time a patient bit his finger 6 years ago.

Just to take your mind off things, playing the long game, knowing that consistency is the key here.

Because when it's the end of the day and the both of you return to a still standing house, your faith in him will slightly increase. And the next time he goes to check something for you and informs you about what he found, you'll have an easier time accepting his words.

Daniil abhors lying, you know that, everyone knows that. So when he says he really did the thing in your stead, you know he's telling the truth.

If this was the modern world, he'd be the one taking pictures of the state of the household just to prove that no, you didn't forget anything. It has become a daily task he never neglects, Daniil is very consistent with following through and doing what he's supposed to do.

Learning how to effectively diffuse situations, how with given time, and some rest, those fears aren't as big and scary as they first seem.

How to bring you down from a fit of anger, how to lift you up from a panicked state caused by debilitating anxiety. Using his knowledge and expertise as a healthcare professional, after all, and dealing with people in similar states is nothing out of the ordinary for him.

He's aware you're not the one he's arguing against. He's aware these thoughts and urges do not define you. You're not your obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviour, not the intrusive ideas or the clouding fears.

You're so much bigger, so much more complex, lovely, thoughtful, and whole. You're a whole capable human being.

This is merely a fraction of your brain that can be debilitating, a part that irritates you as much as anyone else. If anything, it must bother you personally even more, courtesy of being stuck inside your head all hours of the day.

Daniil views this as working alongside you against those irrational fears. If they go away, sure, that's great.

And if they don't? So what?

Daniil is here to stay as well, and he's twice as stubborn. He'll keep trying different methods, lend you his own memory and perspective, take note of the average everyday things that you might recall in doubt later, and reassure you as he stands witness against these irrational fears.

He doesn't see you as less. You are not less or wrong for having them. If anything, you're the one being tormented by them. He scoffs at the concept of you being considered a bad person for something as trivial as "bad" thoughts.

Let those people try living a day in your shoes, dealing with the constant pestering your brain has to deal with. Daniil is sure not one of them even has half your self will and control, to constantly attempt to resist these urges, to push these thoughts down and put an end to a spiraling conversation the fear in your brain abruptly started.

Dankovsky is the type of person to still stand by your side even if the worst comes to be, to take responsibility and attempt to fix things rather than waste time pointing the blame.

Even as you confide in him the intrusive thoughts your brain plagued you with, he views them as separate from you, through a passive lens.

You're not horrific or disgusting. You're not any of the names these fears keep throwing your way after, forcing you to imagine the same thoughts they've been shaming you for having.

As if a person's whole morality can be judged by whatever passing-by thoughts wandering in and out of their brain. You don't need Daniil to tell you how absurd that concept is.

And if there was no other way? If nothing worked and the anxiety became suffocating as you had to give into one of the compulsions and derail your entire day?

He'd go with you, derail his day too. Huffy and puffy sure, but he wouldn't place any real blame on you.

Bluntly stating it out if you show any sign of guilt, he's not the type to coddle. His words are concise.

You're not making him do this; he chose to be here by his own will. You're the one being forced to go through this by your brain. The least he could do is keep you company.

Reminding you that you're capable even without him, you don't require his reassurance, he's happy to give it all the same to ease your path, but at the end of the day it's you walking that path with your own two feet. It's you learning how not to feed into these compulsive urges and fears, to merely watch them pass through. No denying them, no arguing against them, merely observing and standing your ground.

Because the world is nothing like they make it seem, it's never “do this specific thing immediately or everything will go up in flames” there is no one to punish you, these fears hold no authority over you.

It's hard, unimaginably hard to have to be vigilant about which thoughts to trust since they tend to disguise themselves as common sense. It's hard to disobey what feels like a direct order from someone in a higher position, akin breaking a set-in-stone law.

Daniil can relate to those feelings more than anything. He was in a similar position and had to challenge actual authority, ones who held the power to order his execution with a snap of their fingers.

Life loves nothing more than forcing you to break your own principles. He found out the hard way. Every pillar he adhered to, forced to crumble beneath him, leaving him contradicting the person he'd been for the past decade with every action his current self took.

So yes, he's staying by your side, picking you up whenever you fall down, yet making sure you still know how to walk on your own.

-

Lara Ravel

For as long as she can remember, Lara believed that to be loved is to be known. But even now, she has a hard time understanding her late father, comprehending what exactly was he thinking, wasting his life away in the army, compensating her with a life of luxury as if those things could ever make up for all the time they never spent together.

She knows she loves you deeply. She cares about you more than life itself, yet for the life of her, she can never understand you no matter how hard she tries.

It's agonising, watching you suffer through the turmoil of intrusive thoughts. Not knowing what to do or how to help, feeling useless, restless, desperate to help in any shape or form.

Her haste was her shortcoming. The more she rushed to offer what she considered help in various and starkly different forms, the more you felt the sudden pressure place on you increase.

Especially when some of her help is unwarranted and abrupt, foregoing asking you what you might need, instead choosing to guess what you must need herself.

It's suffocating how she keeps throwing things at the wall to see what sticks, bordering interrogating you about your state afterwards, hoping that maybe this time, she actually did something useful.

You know she means well, you know her heart is in the right place… but you'd be lying if you said you don't feel like one of her charity cases at times, something to fix just because that's what Lara always does to "broken" things, as painful as that sentence felt to sound in your brain, let alone think of yourself that way.

You don't know how to voice these feelings without sounding “ungrateful” for her overwhelming attention, and so they begin to fester inside your chest, giving way to resentment as you become more and more distant.

She asks you to explain, and sometimes it's really hard for you to do so. How could you explain something that you yourself can't seem to grasp? It just lives with you, constantly hovering and making itself known at the worst time possible. You've learned to endure.

Rarely does the anxiety make sense. It's more of an intense feeling that keeps gnawing at your brain, repeating that your day will be ruined, your life will end, if you don't do this one thing, and do it now.

Horrific ideas and intrusive thoughts about people you love that leave a sour taste in your mouth, making you feel vile and disgusting inside. Wondering why did something like that even occur to you?

It was never one of your own thoughts to begin with, but another tool weaponized by fear to pressure you into doing what it wants.

Making your skin feel as if it was on fire, the prolonged stress giving way to nervous movements and trembles, snapping at innocents who were simply at the wrong place and time, only for shame and guilt to follow after.

Bottling it in, because sharing it with others seems to do more harm than good at times, leading to either being faced with judgement, questions you don't have the answer to, or both.

As the distance between you two increases, Lara's ways of forcing help come to an abrupt stop. The further away she is from the picture, the easier it becomes to see it whole and realise just what she's been doing this entire time.

Self-awareness dawns on her like cold water. She's remorseful for her actions, for not realising she was only adding to your pain, pushing you away, and making you regret confiding in her.

You don't have to comfort or reassure her. She's not a little kid. She knows what she did was wrong… How blinded that she was by grief.

Lara promises you never to repeat her past mistakes. Asking if you'd let her mend this, the shared life between you two, to try and make amends before she loses the person she loves most.

While it's challenging having to go against her instincts to jump into action and do something to help, she persists through them. You watch her part her lips to say something before wordlessly closing her mouth, on separate occasions.

Try as she might, she couldn't understand the workings of your mind before, so now she's decided to completely abandon that approach.

Lara's more resourceful than people give her credit for, she was the first one to think of establishing a shelter on the first day of the now gone-by plague, planning and executing it within the same day, and coordinating donations from people whom she knew wouldn't refuse to aid her cause.

So when faced with a conundrum she can't find an immediate solution to, Lara does the one thing she wished someone would've done for her during those nights of staying up worrying about her father.

She earnestly comforts you as best she can. Merely extending her unconditional support, the kindest form of love she can offer.

Foregoing all logic and reason, she repeats that she's by your side and is here to stay, through thick and thin, even during the hard days where giving into every compulsion is the only way to stay sane, especially during those.

She's endlessly patient, never rushing you as you recheck and recount things all over again just to be sure, as you take precautions for unlikely danger.

Standing up to aid in your activity, whatever it may be, observing your rituals and adapting the ones that help ease your mind when done by others.

If it brings you comfort, then it's worth it.

Anything is worth your peace of mind to her.

Slowly, bit by bit, she begins to accept your fears as they are. You don't need to understand the innermost workings of a machine in order to operate it well, and Lara is getting really good at determining what's bothering you.

She stopped asking for explanations; these fears don't deserve the courtesy of one, and it seems to only further worsen your state. So radical acceptance became her new approach.

Acceptance of you, of your fears.

You forgot to pass by your neighbour's house on the way home, and now your brain is telling you that the whole town must hate you and wish you to leave? Oh, she believes you, although neither of you have the money to move to the Capital, and if the whole town planned to siege this house with pitchforks and torches, it's kind of late for either of you to go anywhere anyway, the train only arrives once a month.

But you know what you can do? Make some tea, go upstairs into your bedroom, lock the room, and get under the cover. She'll accept death by an angry mob, but not without a warm beverage first.

The two of you spend an hour in bed upstairs, drinking warm tea and cuddling next to each other, the night passes by uneventfully, and the next day your neighbour waves hello at you as you're taking the trash out.

She doesn't challenge your compulsive behaviour as long as they don't cause you or anyone else any harm.

You two live in a small sleepy town at the in the middle of nowhere, the world won't end if you spend a day inside, the townsfolk wouldn't bat an eye if you enter and exist the same store 7 times, everything is within reach and it's a short trip back home no matter where in town you end up.

While the world itself wouldn't end, your anxiety gets the best of you and makes it seem like your world will end if certain things aren't done in specific ways and sequences.

And that's fine in Lara's book, take as much time as you need, she even helps you break them down, the rituals, turn them into a written list of small tasks spread out throughout the day so you'd still have time to eat, sleep, and rest.

It might not be the same as never giving into the compulsion, but it's definitely bars above never satisfying the urge at all.

When you do miss some steps or fail to perform certain parts, the panic in the aftermath isn't as overwhelming as it used to be when you'd forget the entire ritual, it's more palatable, easier to endure.

You can love someone without fully understanding them, and while love alone is never enough by itself, all the effort, care, and patience Lara keeps putting in seems to make it work so far.

She keeps waking up every day and choosing you, choosing this life with you.

As you are, she wants to be with you as you are.

You've been trying your best, too, which varies from day to day. On some days, you've accumulated the necessary courage to take risks and face those fears. On other days, enduring and surviving alone consumes all of your energy.

And on some days, you don't even realise that you forgot to do a certain daily ritual until after the day has ended. The comfort of knowing you have the time and space to indulge your compulsive urges sometimes makes it… easier to postpone them, which can lead you to getting distracted and forgetting them whole.

The safety Lara helped cultivate in your shared house eases your strife. Likewise, she seems to learn a thing or two from you, becoming more accepting of herself, more comfortable with the idea that she can't help in every situation, sometimes sitting things out and being a shoulder of support is the best she can offer.

And that's fine, that's okay, it doesn't make her useless despite what the cruel parts of her brain tell her. How she should offer the same kindness and grace to herself that she extends to others.

That you're stronger than she ever realised, more capable too. Your experiences made you especially understand the less talked about aspects of the human condition, in turn, Lara finds herself confiding in you as well.

Sharing words and thoughts she would've never told another person, confessing about the endless nights she spent awake in bed imagining all the worst case scenarios that would have occurred just because her father was a few hours late home.

While she doesn't have the heart to ever stop you if your compulsive urges became centred on seeking her reassurance to function, the safety at home, preservation of simplified rituals, and breaking tasks down make it much easier to break out of that cycle by yourself, step by step.

-

Credits:

A great thank you to:

@polyhedrongf / Lena

And

@gamersagainstthemachine / atrickofthelight

For their invaluable help when it came to creating this fanfic, their feedback, ideas, and suggestions helped shape many parts of this story. They've both contributed greatly when it came to addressing OCD and the ways to approach it.

It wouldn't have been possible without them, so thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

[manuinout]

I'm currently having executive dysfunction to make videos, so here's a little concept for my next part of Empathy's fic on Inside Out 2! Of course, this is still a concept which contains my own assumptions of the incidents of the movie, so it will change depending on how the sequel will work. Hope you like it either way!

(If you don't wanna get spoiled for the next part of Empathy, don't click read more!)

Friendly Ghost (Empathy IO 2 concept)

"How am I gonna find my friends like this? This place is huge!"

Empathy walks through Long Term Memory, scanning each corner looking for signs for the other emotions. After the six escaped from the giant glass jar to which Anxiety bottled them up, all of them have been split up, which was a huge inconvenience. If they need to go back to Headquarters to fix all the mess Anxiety is causing, they need to go together.

However, the more Empathy tracks through Long Term Memory, the more they get frustrated. It felt like they were only walking in circles aimlessly!

"You know, it would help a lot to have someone in the area that knows the way to help me walk through this maze," the emotion yelled out sarcastically, pouring their irritation towards the mind workers into their speech. "But noooo! When it comes to people actually needing assistance, the only people working here don't even give a f..!"

Before they could even swear, they stop to take a deep breath to prevent themselves to explode.

"Calm down, Empathy. Don't freak out. You will find your friends, fix everything, and it'll all be okay," they spoke to themselves, sitting down on the ground and resting their back on the shelf of memories to regain their stamina.

"But... I'm lost. I really can't do this alone."

Empathy covers their face with their hands, letting out a frustrated sigh as they run their fingers through their curly hair. At this point, they were wondering if they should just give up and sit there until one of their friends find them. However, that would be a waste of their time, despite being the only option they see instead of losing themselves even more in this gigantic maze...

Suddenly, before they could get lost in their thoughts as well, they heard something plopping onto the ground beside them. Upon turning their head at the source of the sound, they see a purple drawstring bag, multiple little drawings of different candies stamped all over. Has this always been here? This bag looked... ancient. And oddly familiar.

As much as they felt curious to why this bag was here, the emotion didn't see any importance in it. They can't just open other people's bags like that, as strangely this one even showed up by their side.

However, as if it read their mind, the bag bounced slightly closer to them, causing them to lean back as their eyes widen with a mix of surprise and confusion.

... Okay? They must be seeing things at this point. There's absolutely no way this bag inched closer to them like that. Unless there was something inside, waiting to be freed... Did they hit their head, or have been alone for so long that they're starting to go insane?

Before they could even process what they're witnessing, the bag hopped onto them, resting its weight onto their lap...

Empathy wasn't hallucinating. This is definitely real, otherwise they wouldn't be able to feel the worn out fabric and the strings tickling their skin. However, they can't help but question what was going on as the mysterious bag bounced from time to time, as if begging to be opened.

With a raised eyebrow, they see no other choice other than finally opening it. They hesitate, still skeptical about what could possibly be wanting to come out. But slowly and surely, they pry it open. And what came out caught them off guard.

There were pink sparkles at first, but soon enough a top hat pops out, the figure trying to squeeze themselves out of this small bag, but almost ending up stuck. After the individual struggles for a second, Empathy instinctively widens the bag's exit to help it come out. And like that, the unknown being flies out of the bag, bouncing on the walls like a ball.

Eventually, the... pink elephant... managed to keep himself still, resting his hand on his head as he recovers from his dizziness.

"Woah! Getting out was sure harder than getting in. Gotta keep that in mind," He soon shifts his attention to the silver and golden emotion, who was wide eyed. He waves at them with a wide smile.

"Hiya there!"

With a yelp, Empathy quickly tried to stand up and rush to a certain distance away from the creature, however they ended up stumbling and falling back to the ground due to standing up too fast in their panic, to which they started crawling backwards.

"Hey, easy, easy! I won't hurt you!" He reassured while waving both his hands, trying to calm the emotion down, "I'm a friend!"

As Empathy now had a clear look at the individual, his physical form was... complex. He seemed to be made of cotton candy, but shape wise, he was part cat and part elephant... And maybe something else that they couldn't put a finger on just yet. Somehow, he looked familiar. However, one thing that stuck out to them the most was...

"You're a ghost?!"

"Oh, you noticed that part, didn't ya?" He chortled, looking down to himself before continuing, "Well, yeah! I am a ghost indeed! I don't know how... But I'm here."

What he said made sense, since they don't remember the bottom of his body, to which they assume were his legs, being transparent and replaced with little stars that float around from time to time the more the elephant moves in the air. But how? Who is he? Why is he here? And how did he fit in a bag where he usually couldn't?!

"By the look on your face, I think you have a lot of questions to ask."

"Of course I do!" The emotion frantically responded, getting up from the floor while fixing themselves. "Sorry, it's just that when you see something as unbelievable and confusing as this, you're sure gonna doubt yourself. I thought I was going insane!"

"Well, let me tell you this is 100% real! I can only say this because I could pinch you right now but, you know..."

The elephant floats closer to Empathy, moving his hand towards them in an attempt to hold their shoulder. However, despite it landing its weight on it successfully, his hand soon fazed right through, giving them a chill down their spine, and that proves his point enough.

"Ghost hands."

"Okay... so first of all, how did you even fit in this?" They pick up the drawstring bag from the floor, showing it to the ghost, "It's barely even your size!"

He laughs, carefully taking the bag from their hands to answer their question.

"Oh! You see, this bag is imaginary. It can fit anything you want and more!"

"Anything..?"

"Yep! Check this out!"

To prove his point once again, the ghost flipped the bag upside down, and upon opening it, various memories start pouring out like a waterfall. The quantity was so big for a bag this small. Still wondering if they were hallucinating, Empathy approached the pile, kneeling down to lay their hand on one of the memories. And once again, they are convinced that this is real.

"Any more questions? I'll happily answer them if I know it!"

The emotion, standing back up, ponders about what question they wanted to make next, as to understand the situation better. And that's what they were going to question now: the situation.

"Why are you here?"

"Well, I saw that you were pretty troubled while going around here trying to find your friends, and I thought 'Hey, why not help them'? A lot of the mind workers are junk with this kinda stuff, and I know almost every nook and cranny around here, so here I am! Bing Bong at your service!" He cheerfully bows down with a twirl of his hand, using his trunk to raise his top hat and soon raising his body back up, floating forward while waving at them as a request, "Follow me!"

While they walked, Empathy couldn't help but laugh at how goofy this ghost was. It was like he was some sort of cartoon character. However, upon introducing himself, his name rang in their head. They have heard this name before...

"Bing Bong..?" They echo his name for a few seconds, trying to remember where they heard it. Until...

"Wait... You're Riley's imaginary friend, aren't you?"

Bing Bong's eyes widened as soon as they mention his former role.

"You know me? Even though I've been forgotten for... who knows how long?"

"Yeah! A friend of mine back in Headquarters talked a lot about you when Riley was younger! She was a huge fan of yours."

"Oh, you're from Headquarters too?" He asked, to which the emotion nods affirmatively, "Wow, that's amazing! I think I may know who that friend of yours is too, and we'll definitely get you to find her and all the others! Oh, how rude of me... what's your name, lil' buddy?"

"I'm Empathy!"

[tumblingxelian]

Wednesday & Neurodivergence

This is mostly an idle musing which I touched on in my Wednesday video, but I think one thing the show did fairly well was actually managing to make an autistic character who is a jerk without making me angry or coming off as hateful.

Hear me out.

I'm very autistic, and I hate how so much media portrays autism & Neurodivergence as:

"Oh this character is autistic which means they lack emotions and are huge assholes!"

Not just solely because its hateful, or makes us look bad, but because its inaccurate. Not just to how autism works but how in the real world autistic people are used to being rejected and bullied and otherwise mistreated for struggling with social norms, communication, hyperfixations and so on.

I recall a good post talking about portrayals like Sherlock and Sheldon and how:

"Its like they have never faced rejection in their lives."

Wednesday actually makes this work for a few reasons.

1: The show draws a clear line between when Wednesday is being Neurodivergent, Addams Family Morbid, or just a jerk.

When she just doesn't understand something, rejects socializing because the actions of others distress her or has an interest in something 'weird' Wednesday is never demonized for it. She is instead framed sympathetically or sometimes neutrally.

Characters who accept her boundaries, needs and interests, such as not touching her, such as not being crowded, or her love of the macabre are consistently shown as closer to her and more sympathetic than those who do not or otherwise try and pressure her to behave 'normally'.

That is to say, autism/Neurodivergence is not the 'cause' of Wednesday often being a jerk. It is in fact just part of what makes her Wednesday and is thus morally neutral and something to be respected and understood. It can help inform some of her other thought processes such as incorrect conclusions she might reach but its in no way the cause of her more mean behavior.

2: The reason Wednesday is often mean is, well, she's kind of spoiled.

She comes from a wealthy and powerful family who share many of her interests and hyperfixations. Said family is extremely loving and indulgent, their wealthy and supernatural nature protects Wednesday from the consequences of her own actions.

Now, it doesn't protect her entirely, such as when some "Normies" killed her pet scorpion in what was functionally a hate crime against her.

However, she's still by and large insulated from discrimination that would endanger her after that & in comparison to other 'Outcasts'. But, more to the point, her family's money & connections mean even when she, for example causes huge amount of physical damage to others, she can avoid real repercussions.

It genuinely seems like sending her to Nevermore is the first time her parents have tried to impose limits on her actions at all. These factors also likely played a part in her otherwise being so careless in regards to targeting those who bullied her brother.

She is portrayed as very smart and often quite methodical, but it seems Wednesday rarely worries about the possible consequences of her actions. Be it from authority figures or her peers, or the dangerous situations she puts herself into until its too late.

Meaning she is quite reckless and brazen; seeming genuinely shocked and often frustrated when running up against a wall. Such as being defeated in fencing or not being able to simple brute force her way through interactions with others.

3: This can especially be seen in her relationship with Enid.

She's annoyed at being sent to Nevermore & angry at her parents for "Trying to make me like them", how accurate the latter complaint is could be considered question. As it mostly seems they are just sharing fond memories they hope might make her see Nevermore in a good ight and them not having sent her to Nevermore until the legal system demanded it to protect her.

Whatever the case, when Wednesday finds Enid's energetic and colorful personality to be annoying she takes out her frustration on Enid by being generally rude, antagonistic and above all, controlling.

She expects Enid to simply do as she says and to accommodate her desires. Showing no real regard foe her space or possessions and often giving blunt orders to her. But then she seems rather flummoxed when Enid responds to her behavior by -after giving up being friendly- matching Wednesday's antagonism with her own. So much so when it seems like it might come to blows, Enid shows herself entirely happy to stand up for herself.

This can also be seen when Enid withholds help Wednesday expects from her until she apologizes for mistreating Thing. She is shocked she upset him, bust also seems genuinely confused that she is expected to apologize for her actions if she wants either of their help. After all, normally when she lashes out at her parents in some way they simply roll with it, but not here.

Enid is by and large the main reason Wednesday seemed to grow as a person throughout the show. Respecting Wednesday's boundaries, needs and even if they made her uncomfortable her interests. While always firmly imposing her own boundaries and reasonable expectations on Wednesday.

It also isn't like Enid's perfect as the surprise party she threw stressed Wednesday out & she is portrayed sympathetically for it & Enid apologizes.

But that can also be contrasted with Wednesday deceiving Enid about the manor investigation and then refusing to take responsibility for Enid being upset by the situation, Wednesday put her into, as Enid did for her. Hence, Enid being the more emotionally mature of the two.

4: All of this also lays into her being so impacted by Enid's absence.

IE, up until this point Wednesday has thought she likely being alone and didn't care for or need company... Because she's never been truly alone before.

Her family has always been providing for her the kind of social support and safety she needs to the point where she find them kind of irritating. She might not have had friends at school but her brother was there and her family was large and always accommodating to her needs and desires.

Thus, it is easy for her essentially take them for granted and to think she doesn't need companionship or friends because she's never really been without it.

Bit with them -barring Thing- absent and having driven Enid away, Wednesday encounters, likely for the first time what it is like to be lonely and hates it. Her mood only starting to improve with her uncle's arrival and then with Enid's return.

This doesn't mean she became an extrovert or anything, merely that we are a social species that doesn't cope well with isolation and a lack of companionship.

Wednesday does not radically alter her demeanor or identity and suddenly start chilling in the school yard with with the homies or otherwise "Normalize" herself.

What she does is make it a point to be more considerate of those she keeps close & to allow more open communication so to maintain those relationships in a mutual, rather than one sided fashion.

Conclusion:

So yeah, I think that they actually managed to make this concept work quite well. With there being a clear dividing line between what behaviors were and weren't acceptable. & then tying those that were not to her privilege's as opposed to her Neurodivergence which was instead presented neutrally to sympathetically.

[psyches-love-nest]

Hi I would like to join your free love tarot reading💖💗✨My name is London and my sun sign is Gemini ♊️ if needed

My question is what will my next romantic interest be like? 👀

Tysm have a lovely day💕

Hello, London! I love your name✨. It makes me think you must be a really sweet woman in real life.

I hope this reading brings you clarity on the matter. Remember, never settle for less than you deserve! 🤗

🍯TIP JAR

He gives off Rockstar vibes. I can picture him dressed in all black with chunky combat boots, probably listening to My Chemical Romance on his headphones. This man could easily be an actor with how accurately his expressions convey deep, raw emotions. He’s dramatic, an idealist, and a hopeless romantic. When he’s passionate about something, he gives it his all. However, he's dealing with some mental health challenges that make his behavior erratic. He could experience mood swings that prevent him from making clear decisions about the emotional connection he’ll have with you.

He’s definitely going to feel a strong attraction toward you, one that shakes up his otherwise monotonous life. This connection could make him anxious because he’ll worry about you a lot, even though his focus should be on helping himself first. He’ll struggle to express how he feels about you and figure out how to include you in his plans. Things are a bit chaotic for him right now, and he’s scared of stepping out of his comfort zone. However, none of this will stop him from building up all kinds of fantasies about you. A part of him really wants to succeed in love, and your presence in his life will push him to confront his inner demons head-on. He knows he can’t truly be with you unless he empowers himself, heals his emotions, and believes he can commit to connection for real. With you, he’ll feel like he can open up emotionally, so there will be times when he shows you vulnerability or his more sorrowful look. He will be completely honest and transparent about what’s going on in his life.

Think of your next romantic interest as the tortured protagonist of a Mexican soap opera. He’s not a bad person, but you’re going to need a lot of patience. He’s still going through an emotional growth process, and that’s going to impact your relationship. This guy might stir a lot of compassion in you, and you might genuinely like him and feel a strong physical attraction toward him. But you need to consider whether what he has to offer is valuable to you, and if it’s worth staying and dealing with the challenges of this connection.

Paid readings status: open

[rekas-bitches]

There's a group of people on Tumblr who seem to COMPLETELY dislike q!Tubbo. And like, you're allowed to dislike someone, but my god. Wow.

Anyway: It's fine to dislike a character. It's fine to be upset at them that their pain results in them hurting others. It's even fine to be annoyed at the way they lash out or react to situations.

But please, when criticizing it, keep in mind that nothing about the way q!tubbo acts is unrealistic to real life people.

It's not unrealistic to lash out if people you are very close to, whether familial or in a friend group, start dating or become otherwise much closer, and it changes the dynamic, leaving you to feel left out.

It's not unrealistic to struggle with saying the right thing in emotional moments, so resorting to trying to communicate that you're there for them in other ways. (Gifts, making a base as secure as possible, telling them they can always take what they need)

It's not unrealistic to be overwhelmed with your emotions and not know how to communicate.

And it's certainly not unrealistic to not know how to help a child process their emotions while you're still struggling with yours.

And keep in mind that disliking a character might be fine, but just generally saying you're a bad person for struggling does hurt people who struggle with the same things.

I know for a fact it wasn't pleasant for me to read someone pretty much saying that if you struggle to communicate how you're feeling, you should just stay out of social situations completely.

[did-system-did]

Long Thoughts

I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.

I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.

Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).

Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.

Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.

Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.

It was an intense discovery.

Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.

Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.

That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.

It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.

I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.

Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.

This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.

It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.

[katetorias]

How did you guys bring up your plurality to your therapist? I've been meaning to bring it up mine as I have just started accepting myself as a system. I feel as if being able to express ourselves would be great and would relieve stress.

Is there any ways to mention it without stating "I think I'm multiple"? Do they give you a diagnosis? If they do diagnose you, where do you go with the diagnosis?

I apologize if this is too much to ask, I just can't seem to get straight forward answers anywhere.

P.S. Love ur art, it's genuinely so beautiful.

hi!! im really happy you’ve come to accept yourself! i have very limited experience being “open” about being a system and it’s mostly restricted to online/interpersonal relationships and my therapist. we’ve only just recently been genuinely open because Jack struggled to not be during his session. im not diagnosed with anything as it’s only been a couple of sessions

personally, i started trying to explain the dissociative symptoms first, like how things don’t feel real and sometimes it feels like someone else is piloting. i tried to describe the physical sensations and how things felt wrong/there’s amnesia(emotional or otherwise)/my names, gender and pronouns would change, i would suddenly feel very uncomfortable with my appearance, etc.

i think starting with these things, especially connecting it to the other trauma/mental health things I already go through helped her follow the dots more directly. and since I was being vague, as if I didn’t really know the exacts, she filled those gaps in for me. she was like, “well.. we do see a lot in traumatized children that they compartmentalize or dissociate to make “someone else” deal with the trauma” and i was like “woah… for real..”

i hope this makes sense! Genuinely being honest will help, explain how many years you’ve noticed these things and anything that can affirm that it’s not something else.

on the diagnosis process I’m not sure, im sorry :( idk if I want to get a diagnosis and more so recognized, so you’ll have to find other sources

[strawberista]

⚅ — Reasons I'm Not Writing — ⚅

{I realized that sometimes I try to be on and then just can't be, or I am on and try to get something done but I struggle with it. And rather than writing up every single time what's going on with me, it might help to just give you guys a list of reasons I might not be writing.}

{I'm making a list, but just know that any of these things could be happening at the same time or one thing can be happening because of another. It's really a mix-and-match sort of scenario most of the time.}

⚀ I'm on mobile - A lot of the time when I'm not around, it's because I'm stuck only being on mobile and don't feel like struggling with it. I can still write when I'm using the app, technically, but it is a real hassle because of all the steps I have to take to cut it. So unless I'm super hype and want to finish that reply as soon as humanly possible, or unless I just don't have anything else to do, legitimately, I usually don't even mess with it. You can find me on Discord instead, usually.

⚀ I'm on Discord - Sometimes my discord is more active than my Tumblr, or that is to say, I'm getting replies here faster than Tumblr. Sometimes I may be on mobile so it's more convenient. Or sometimes I don't have the energy to struggle with Tumblr, but I'm alright dealing with discord. In any case, it's worth it to shoot me a message if you want to write with me there. I rp over disc, so I'm sure we can still have a lot of fun.

⚀ My family needs me - Whether it be for errands, emotional support, board games, or whathaveyou, sometimes my family just needs my attention and I can't be on, mobile or otherwise. I usually don't get a chance to warn anyone ahead of time so I can just disappear for a while, sometimes even the whole day if it's a big thing.

⚀ I'm asleep - Whether It's past my bedtime and I've gone to sleep for the night, or it's because I didn't get enough sleep and need more, or because sometimes I'm sick and need extra, I will from time to time just sleep. There's not much I can do about that one, honestly.

⚀ I'm sick or in pain - Similar to just being asleep, sometimes get sick or I'm just in a lot of pain and physically can't be in any sort of position that makes it easy to be on, mobile or otherwise.

⚀ My brain is playing Dial-up tones - Sometimes I'm on and actually looking through things, but I can't concentrate enough to get anything done. If something is playing beside me or people are talking around me, I'll get overstimulated or there will be too much to focus on at once and I have a hard time processing thoughts or anything. So I end up just sitting there staring at the screen for long periods of time.

⚀ I'm in an Unfriendly Environment - Similar to the above reason, sometimes I might end up having a panic/anxiety attack or the folks in my house will start arguing and making the environment feel too unsafe to work. That is to say, I don't feel like I can operate without having some sort of attack, not that I'm in actual danger. Situations like this can come on suddenly so I might not have time to say goodbye before I disappear.

⚀ IRL life has me very busy - Sometimes I have to dedicate the day to chores or groceries or something and I can't split that attention with mobile if I want to get everything done, so I have to give up writing to maintain my irl responsibilities.

⚀ I'm making graphics or art - Sometimes I'll take a break from writing to work on icons or banners or art instead. I try to multitask but there are times when it just doesn't work out that way. I might become more active as I finish my work, but I might just have to wait until the next day.

⚀ I'm focusing on playing video games - I usually can't split myself into doing everything I want to do. If I'm doing chores, I absolutely can't play video games and write as well. So sometimes I'll choose to replace writing with video games, or spend that time doing something else. I'm not trying to ignore anyone, I'm just trying to enjoy my other hobbies.

⚀ I'm on a different blog - Sometimes it might seem like I'm not writing, but I am just on a different blog. I run 5 main blogs and two side blogs, and even though some are lower activity than others, I do try to spend some time on all of them. If you don't see me in one place, I might just be somewhere else. I can also get into this funk of replying to like 4 different threads at the same time and get nothing done because I'm working on all of them at once.

{No matter what's going on, however, just know that I haven't forgotten about you. I might even be feeling a little bit of stess over making everyone wait when I probably could be writing instead. I'll get to everything as soon as I can, though. I just wanted you guys to know that I haven't forgotten you.}

[walkawaytall]

🍉 and 🌈 For the fic writer asks?

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

People do know because I felt the need to explain the length of time between chapters in my author’s note, but I don’t think they’d know otherwise: Chapter 7 of Collateral took me forever to post for a reason. I had written the two final scenes of it way ahead of time, so I knew the point I wanted to get to and how I wanted to get there, and that I wanted all of it to happen in a Leia POV chapter, but I had a hard time getting it to flow in a way I liked. I rearranged the dialogue in that chapter several times and finally just accepted that it was going to be a good 1K-2K+ words longer than all the others (lol at Past Me who thought people would consider 6500 words just far too long for a chapter). But it got a fairly good response, and includes one of my favorite scenes, so it turned out well.

Also, in general, anything involving an argument that I know won’t be resolved quickly is hard for me to write. I hate conflict and I’m very much a fan of people working together well, so when conflict becomes necessary, I have to take a lot of breaks, especially if I’m going to have someone beloved say or do something that we as the audience know is completely not okay (this happens with Han in chapter 9 of Collateral and, ooooh, it was hard for me to wait to post the final chapter, which explains what the heck he was thinking when he said some of the stuff he did because he sort of sucks in that chapter).

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

Hey, look, this question is about trauma and I’m going to answer it pretty bluntly, but I’m not going into detail or anything. Proceed with appropriate caution, I guess?

Oh dang. Haha…well, in general — and not just including fanfiction, but some of my other writing as well — I’ve been able to write characters who have dealt with similar mental health issues to mine who have worked through their stuff and I think that has been helpful in some ways. My therapist and I have quite literally discussed my first one-shot, Tell Your Sister, because I get, like, disproportionately emotional about a lot of blindly-positive Anakin discourse and it’s definitely not related to projecting personal family baggage on to a dad who has narcissistic tendencies, nope, definitely nothing to see there 😂 (I don’t, like, fault Star Wars for this; these movies are not blueprints for handling interpersonal issues and they generally cover big ideas very broadly and sometimes symbolically on account of being family adventure films and not gritty dramas. But I maintain that Anakin’s last words in their full context are some of the worst things I’ve ever heard that are intended to be accepted as something good and positive). I did have to also explain that pathologizing everything in any of my writing is goofy because generally I write stuff because it’s a good addition to the story not just as an outlet.

And, at the risk of over sharing, I will say that some of the details about blood being cleaned up in Chapter 9 of Collateral is from a personal experience dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic death in my family — an experience I had a really hard time talking or thinking about for quite awhile after it happened, so being able to write about some of it in a way that was more empowering than horrifying was helpful, I think? It at least indicated to me that some healing on my end had taken place because I previously had a difficult time even journaling about it.

Thank you for the questions!

Let’s Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks

[caatws]

I saw your post and I don't understand Gunn. What does a real family mean? I'm so confused. He dragged her butt back to the guardians and had her go through all the emotional turmoil of the whole movie for her fake family? Okay I guess but that seems stupid. Does she still get to be sisters with Nebula at least or is that now off the table.

Really though why does nothing about Gamora's story make sense anymore? She fell off a cliff and everything went to shit. I realized that Peter has basically been depressed since 2018 and falling apart drinking since being unsnapped. Nebula had one thing she wanted and that was a sister and she had to go without that for 5 years and then suddenly she gets her back and that's it. The rest of them don't even appear to fully grasp what's been going on. All this stuff happens off camera and then we're in vol 3 and before you know it the story is over.

The only way I can make sense of any of it is to see it as a story of Gamora dying and everything fell apart. Peter decented into a black pit of despair, the guardians couldn't figure out what to. Nebula trying to help running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Then Rocket nearly dies before dealing with his abuser and they all free some people before parting ways at the end. Otherwise the lack of information and explanation of why certain things are happening, have happened and some characters appearing checked out of the situation entirely, is just too much to comprehend. Noone else who died in IW or EG has had this crappy of an emotional follow up or further exploration of character except maybe Heimdall. I just don't understand it.

yeah i totally agree with you anon, like i was just telling some of my friends the other day how i think gamora honestly has like the WORST arc in the mcu bc of this whole thing. like other characters had arcs that ended rly stupidly (like steve lmao) bc they were ooc or did nothing but i think gamora's is like, a separate level of Terrible bc it's not even like she got an ooc ending or regressed or something, her "arc" was her life after thanos just being straight up ERASEDDDD in canon like. my god

and you're so right abt how the other characters who died in iw/eg have been treated better by the narrative in the time since, save for heimdall - like yesterday i was specifically trying to think of gamora's arc vs natasha romanoff's specifically in how both (after being fridged) have been grieved in the canon narratives since then, and, oh man...gamora truly got the worst of the worst here. like, we have gotten to see yelena and clint have actual arcs in their separate grieving processes for natasha (in addition to seeing tony, steve, bruce, and thor all grieve her in endgame), and bc it's become such an integral part of yelena's character specifically, i think it's fair to say we're probably going to see natasha's legacy continue in yelena's future stories

gamora has literally gotten nothing to this extent, bc we only ever see peter and nebula grieve her, and in vol 3 there are TWO TIMES where someone mentions gamora being dead and another character is like Well, Actually, She's Alive, She Just Doesn't Remember ! which essentially creates zero space in the narrative for the rest of the gotg to express grief for her, since it's established that they've apparently all made peace with 2014!gamora existing as a replacement but wanting absolutely nothing to do with them before the film which just seems ??? like you're telling me drax, rocket, mantis, and groot - none of them miss THEIR gamora EITHER ?????

like obviously i get gamora isn't gonna be swayed to do much after 48 hours (although how much time passes in vol 1 before the gotg start deciding they're a team/family....?) esp with the baggage of the original gamora vs 2014!gamora weighing over everything (except that the narrative shows and establishes only peter being the one to be struggling with this baggage, suggesting 2014!gamora could have relationships with the rest of the gotg without this conflict at all lol), but just....idk it's messy! (also when peter tried to gatekeep being a ravager from gamora during that one scene LMAOOO there was something so satisfying in that)

ALSO to continue making a long answer long...considering all the variant character nonsense the mcu has been trying to put us through in recent years with all the multiverse stuff, i think it's fair to look at gamora through that lens. bc that is literally what mcu phases 4 and 5 are abt. the multiverse. and what characters are like in different timelines.

between the loki show and no way home, we get the idea that there are certain values and truths that are inherent to each character no matter what world or timeline they live in - as the loki show so succinctly puts it, "what makes a loki a loki?"

so that brings me to ask, what makes a gamora a gamora?

and i don't think a gamora can exist without being part of the guardians family, so it's disappointing that our onscreen, canon narrative, ends before that can happen, and it's more disappointing that the language of "real family" suggests a conflict with gamora achieving that.

(inb4 someone's like WELL IT'S OPEN-ENDED IT'S WHAT HAPPENS OFFSCREEN AFTER ETC bc yeah i agree that could be a natural next step in 2014!gamora's story. which is the problem. THE STORY IS OVER. we aren't GETTING gamora or the gotg anymore, besides peter allegedly, whatever tf that entails lmao. so no matter how open-ended this is, it's still the last we're seeing of them in canon, so it deserves to be criticized as such - the canon end of the franchise.)

[investmentguide777]

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[kunaigirl]

Adding to this: I'm gonna talk about the media representation I had at the time! While I was learning to read again, these two characters connected with the very core of my soul.

These two characters, from their respective shows, had different levels of illiteracy shown consistently on screen in canon. Oskar Kokoshka from Hey Arnold, and "Numbah 4" (real name Wally) from Kid's Next Door. Sadly, both were used mostly for punchlines, or to make other characters look better/smarter by comparison.

Oskar's character is a notorious selfish deadbeat, and Wally is the essential "dumb kid of the friend group" who can't read or spell for shit. In Wally's case, it was so other characters could correct him and look better/land a joke in doing so. And again, Oskar was a lazy deadbeat meant to be a bad example by design. It was the early 2000s, this is all the rep I had. (Keep in mind I'm speaking specifically of the 2003-2007 era when I was ages 8-12.)

As a kid I took what I could get, and made the best of it. I enjoyed and connected with these characters for YEARS. I'm not trying to sound miserable, these characters still hold a special place in my heart for this exact reason. At the time, I didn't care if they were always at the butt-end of the jokes. They were like me, going through what I was in one way or another, and that's all I needed. Punchline or not, it was SOMETHING when I otherwise felt completely alone. Oskar was very unlikable as a character, but the episode of Hey Arnold where he starts from scratch with baby books while everyone around him cheers him on and supports him, I'll never forget how inspired and happy and SEEN I felt watching it for the first time. That episode meant the entire WORLD to me.

For that one episode, he was an entirely different character to me. He wasn't the crappy neglectful deadbeat husband anymore, he was someone who was just like me. I saw it on screen, and seeing him get supported and comforted through the process. That episode touched my heart to the point where I was left WEEPING at the end when I saw it premiere. I re-watched it every single time I possibly could.

With Wally's character, he was more likable by a long shot, obviously. He was silly, adventurous, loyal to his friends, important to his team, and pretty relatable otherwise. He supported his friends and went on fun adventures. His reading level was constantly the butt-end of the jokes of course, but he was still a fully enjoyable character despite it. For me, it was a lot easier to connect with Wally also because unlike Oskar, he was a kid too. He was a kid like me. He was always my favorite character out of the whole show.

Wally never got a special or designated episode all about him learning to read/etc, but it was a constant through the entire series. Little details like seeing him get tutors or extra help, seeing his spelling slowly get better as the seasons progressed in background shot notebooks, seeing lower-grade reading books in his bedroom, things like that. Details like that made it even more realistic to me, so it technically was no context to which character I related to more. Wally's literacy struggles were "less emotional" than Oskar's special episode, but they were just as important in the opposite way. Casual, not a big deal, even laughable sometimes; which I also appreciated for reasons too.

Where these two characters examples of "great" representation? Depends on who you ask, but they were pretty less than ideal. For me, I enjoyed feeling seen and represented AT ALL in ANY form, but even as a kid, the endless jokes would get old FAST. I didn't need any help with being reminded to feel laughably stupid, thanks. Still, I mentally worked around the jokes to find some kind of comfort and representation from them anyways. And I loved every damn second of it despite it all.

Wally's character was VERY important to me as I experienced fighting my own illiteracy first hand, and that episode where Oskar takes his first steps into reading as an adult STILL makes me extremely emotional. They're examples are flawed, but they're what I had. And for that reason alone, I'll never be able to ever hate them.

Long post ahead, but I really want to talk about this...I think? Oh lord here we go, lol. Anyways, confession time!

I struggled with illiteracy and learning to read for a chunk of my life. I've mentioned it (in passing) in this post that I made about my experiences with having epilepsy, but I decided to make an whole post just for this for a change.

Somewhere around when I was in the second grade, I lost my ability to read and write due to a bad seizure I had. (That combined with the medications I was given too.) A lot of my memories are blank from that era, except for a very few instances I remember clearly. What I do remember though, has nothing to do with the seizure or even what lead up to it, all of that's still gone to this day.

I had lost my ability to read, and also was diagnosed with dyslexia during the quest to re-learn from scratch. (On top of already being diagnosed with ADHD when I was about 6.) I remember very vividly how HORRIBLE everything felt. I couldn't remember the names of things, and I had to re-learn, from preschool up, both reading and writing from scratch.

Somewhat luckily, I didn't lose anything else besides those chunks of memories and my ability to read, and I still remembered who I was, what cartoons I liked, my favorite music, etc. But suddenly, I couldn't read the CD titles anymore. I couldn't read the VHS covers. It was gone, ripped away from me very suddenly, and I knew it was missing. I knew that I already learned how to read and write, but it was forced out of me by a malfunctioning brain. I was home schooled because of it from grades 3rd-5th. (2003-2005)

In the third grade, I had made just enough progress to get books for 5 year olds. Everyone around me acted so proud, but all I could do was cry. I was humiliated. I felt so incredibly stupid, as being illiterate leaves you with no choice but to feel stupid. I threw those baby books around my room and sat on the floor crying. It wasn't fair, I didn't do anything wrong, it was my damn seizures. I had no control.

When I went back to public school for 6th grade, I got called stupid, the r-slur, illiterate, slow, basically every name in the book. Both kids and adults, all throughout those years while I continued to re-learn in real time. In middle school, my reading level was still low for my age, and I had to be in a special program with extra assistance and teacher accommodations. As soon as word got out, the kids were RELENTLESS. It was 06-07, nobody cared about bullying/etc, especially for a public middle school. The bullying never stopped.

I kept working and studying, slowly making progress. Years of struggling, learning to cope, inventing my own short-cuts to help read a little easier, using rulers and paper edges to help guide my eyes, everything. I was still in "special" classes with accommodations all through high school too. My senior year of high school, I graduated on the honor role list. Did that make me happy? It felt nice for sure, but better? Not by much. I knew how hard I still struggled, and still felt very embarrassed by it all. I'll never forget.

As a kid, the pain I felt was so intense. Physically from the seizure, and in every other way with having to re-learn how to spell t-r-e-e. Starting over with pre-K toddler books at 7. Kindergarten level at age 8, and a first grade level as a 9 year old. The feeling of having my memories ripped away just enough to leave me unable to recognize the symbols that decorated everything from posters to TV to book covers. Being told by a room full of doctors and neurologists what had happened, and being quizzed and tested to see what I still had left.

I have never forgotten those long nights. Even though I was a child, the shame and guilt and fear I felt were VERY real and very tense. And the jokes/remarks from both kids AND adults, the notebooks filled with raw squiggly anger, the uphill climb to regain what was taken from me. I will NEVER forget it. Even in college, I struggled with those heavy textbooks and their tiny fonts. I did well enough, but no one else struggled the way I did with them. I did my work and wrote my essays, but it would take full entire days. It still does.

At times, as an adult, I still get stuck on words. I can obviously read and write again, as you can see with this exact post, but it's not over. I struggle with certain fonts, and some books are just to difficult. I still work at it and still try as hard as I can even to this very goddamn day. It never truly ended, all these years later, 20 years later, I still sometimes fight to understand. I feel like an angry and humiliated kid again in those moments, but I'm not that kid or teen anymore. I lived thought it somehow.

I had a dream back when I was 17, where I'm standing in from of my 9 year old self and that pile of baby books. She's crying and looking at me, desperately. I walk over and hug her, proudly telling her "We read The Great Gatsby in high school, and we understand it."

To anyone who has struggled with illiteracy at non-toddler-points in their lives, I see you. To anyone who's struggled with reading comprehension, I see you. To anyone who struggled with writing, I see you. We don't talk about it enough, and I want to change that. I don't want to hide that side of my life experience anymore. Fuck shame, we climbed out of it.

And to this day, a copy of "The Great Gatsby" is still on my shelf. Because I read it in high school, and 9 year old me would've thought that was the coolest achievement ever.

[inkisadream]

In a low moment a few weeks ago, I referred myself to the NHS mental health service. I had an intake call this morning and I want to record what it was like, mainly because I work with students with mental health struggles and I am never able to tell them much about the NHS process beyond "there's a long wait list," but now I can speak from experience.

First, the intake call is a call—a phone call. I fucking hate this. As I told the poor practitioner on the phone, if I had known the intake appointment would be a phone call, I would not have done it. Anyway, I was offered an intake appointment very quickly (the weeks between referral and the appointment are a factor of my own schedule/preferences).

The practitioner on the call (whom I'll call S because that's easier to type than "the practitioner on the call") described three mental health routes offered through the NHS, short of crisis support. The first was online group therapy, which, fuck no. The second was an online tool to track emotions and behaviors that could then be reviewed with a therapist. I assume this is Silverlight or something similar, which I've used before; I found it an intellectually interesting exercise but not terribly helpful for getting to know and understand myself better, which for me is the main purpose of therapy. The third option is one-on-one CBT offered over video chat; S said the NHS reserves in-person appointments for those with the most serious conditions. (Unspoken here are NHS understaffing and under-resourcing.) One-on-one sessions are between four and six 30–minute sessions, all CBT-based. Needless to say, the sort of ongoing, in-person therapy I am used to from the US, and that was mostly covered by insurance, is not an option here unless one is willing to go private (which is very expensive).

Oh, and also, the wait time for these four to six CBT sessions is 18 weeks, or almost 5 months. Five months from now I might not even be living in this country anymore. Whee!

Otherwise, S asked about my general state and how I was doing. This was less the "tell me about yourself and what you're dealing with" sorts of questions I'm used to from past therapy experiences and more, I felt, about trying to see if they could categorize me in a particular way to help determine what kind of help I needed. I had done the typical therapy questionnaires around feelings and behaviors prior to the appointment, and in reviewing those, S noted that I hadn't scored highly enough to qualify for further support from the NHS. To their credit, S went back through these with me and tried to help me answer them such that my scores were higher, which felt like a real attempt to get me help. I appreciated that, but it does underscore that these questionnaires assume very rigid and universal sets of symptoms, and are also (probably for legal/liability reasons) overly concerned with things like self-harm and ideation. ANYWAY.

S asked me about lifestyle things (alcohol consumption, etc.), which is all very normal, and a lot about self-harm and ideation—they called this the "risk assessment" portion of the call. I understand why they do this, but again, this was not the sort of help I needed and felt like a waste of time for everyone involved. (It also made me think about being lonely a lot, with few practical sources of support in this country, which the "support" the NHS is able to offer underscored. Whee!) I mentioned that I'm in a period of career transition and they offered to connect me with the employment counselling arm of the NHS, which they described as "CV and interview help," which is not what I need, but it was a kind gesture.

On the whole, it wasn't an unpleasant experience, but it also wasn't helpful. It did underscore how stretched and overworked the NHS is right now, along with an overwhelming focus on CBT that is too one-size-fits-all to actually support mental health for a lot of people. I came out of the call with a better understanding of what CBT is, so that was useful, and a confirmation that future contacts would also be phone calls, which is good to know for avoidance purposes!! (*falls into the river*)

I don't know that I can recommend this as an actually helpful path for anyone struggling with mental health issues. In other news, it's started snowing outside and it's lovely.

[gvdgreta]

Cookie Clicker - Week 4

For this task, I was required to play Cookie Clicker and analyse it in relation to neurotransmitters

Personally, while playing the game I felt quite bored. The game is rather passive considering all I have to do is click a lot and occasionally buy an item to help me get more cookies. It is a good time waster, but not what I personally look for as it does not require much thought. My mind is not really actively engaged. The sense of achievement I felt was when I managed to surround the entire cookie with cursors, it was satisfying to complete the circle. However, that is more of a personal victory than one directly encouraged by the game. The game makes it hard to feel a sense of achievement since there is no real end goal. 

Link to Neurotransmitters:

Adrenaline:

Considering I was not presented with a threat, there was no situation in which my fight or flight response was activated. Again, the game is very passive, and does not include anxiety-inducing situations. 

Dopamine:

I believe dopamine is most closely tied with this game, because its premise relies heavily on a reward system. Actively clicking to get cookies speeds up the process of being able to buy items, which in turn increases the number of cookies. Over time, the value of each reward increases, so the player has something continuously better to strive for. However, dopamine wears off quickly when as soon as one item is purchased, either a better item is unlocked, or the same item becomes more expensive. The player is no longer satisfied and wants more. It is a cycle that is intended to keep the player engaged and clicking for more cookies. Additionally, there are achievements that pop up on screen, which encourages the player to try to get more of these achievements. 

Serotonin:

I believe the achievements can also be a source of serotonin. Once you get an achievement, it is there and concrete, there is no add-on to make you feel like the achievement you just got is now not as important. Getting all the achievements could possibly make a player feel satisfaction because they have reached an end goal. For me, serotonin is checking in every once in a while and seeing that there is something in the game I can afford. I experience serotonin because I do not feel impatient or frustrated when I do not have enough cookies yet.

Endorphins:

I would not associate Cookie Clicker with endorphins because there is no struggle. There is no sense of overcoming a physical or emotional challenge except maybe if you have been clicking for a long time and your wrist starts to become tense. Otherwise it is easy to maintain relaxation.