#and it fucked me up forever it tore me apart forever and i was. 7. and there's this big unspoken gap in my entire life

[unionizedwizard]

PTSD tuesday everybody give it up for PTSD tuesday

[dirty-bosmer]

OC in fifteen

Tagged by @justafoxhound : share 15 lines or less of dialogue that showcases your OC's personality

This one was so much fun! I had to sift through a lot 😅 Tagging: @elavoria @thequeenofthewinter @gilgamish @kookaburra1701 @wispstalk @skyrim-forever @theoneandonlysemla @sylvienerevarine @lucien-lachance @bostoniangirl21

Going with Nim for this one and tried to pick quotes that were somewhat chronological:

1. "I bet you don't have any friends either. You're as pleasant as guar dung, and you look like a netch fart with a face."

2. "Were we supposed to kill him?" she asked, shaking her dagger free of the straggling bits of bunt flesh. "Sorry, I probably should have clarified earlier."

3. "Who are you becoming?" she asked it, tapping the face of the emerald as though it might respond. "Is that you in there? What are you doing?"

4. “Well only if there's more to it then. Please continue, Mr. Lachance. You have my undivided attention.”

5.. “Oh, little moss," she said to it. "Why couldn't I have been born such a little moss too?"

6. "Ah— oh." Nim looked back to the bottle like it was a long, lost lover returned from the dead. “Well then… a sip, maybe.”

7. "But it's our guild. It's our fight."

8. “We’ll fix this,” she said, reaching for Lorise's hands, holding them tighter than she'd held onto anything in her life. “I promise.”

9. “It’s quite alright, Master Wizard,” she mumbled hoarsely. “I really should go anyway. I need to, um, brew some potions.

10. “It makes me happy, Mathieu. Why is that such a terrible thing?”

11. “Because I’ve sold him a lie. A pretty one. One that masks all the ugliness inside me.”

12. Her face split into an ugly grin then, cracked like an open coffin. "Yes!" she cried out. "Yes, I'm fucking around! As soon as you turn your back, with everybody, on every corner!"

13. “Gods, Arquen. I’m just a woman. I’m not a war.”

14. “You watched gleefully as I tore my life apart. When you put your hands on me, I turned myself inside out. You touched pieces of me not even I’d seen before, and now what, Lucien? Now you’re scared of what lies beneath?”

15. "It’s me or something pretending to be me or I’m pretending to be it. I can’t tell, but I can feel it. Can you feel it? Have you ever? Have you ever looked at yourself and thought, ‘what will it take to get rid of you? Why do you keep doing this? What a truly remarkable feat that you’ve managed to fuck up your life this badly?’”

[johnnyraine]

Top 10 Films I saw in 2022 (not of):

Perhaps Spoilers?

10. Bullet Train - 7/10

9. Princess Mononoke (Dub) - 7/10

8. Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness - 9/10

I feel like I can't put this higher simply because I know why I loved this movie. Spectacle. That's it. It's the rule of cool turned up to eleven and I fucking loved it for it.

But literally, any video review could poke holes in this movie enough to sink a godsdamn ship.

7. Seven Days (BL Movies) - 6/10

6. THE DEER KING - 7/10

Despite my willingness to defend this movie, I genuinely can't recall how exactly I felt for this movie. I know I liked it, I like the music, there are some funny moments. Hohsalle is hot as fuck. There was a flashback scene that I fucking loved.

I do love when the theme soars.

5. His (2020) - 7/10

I enjoyed this movie. I certainly liked it more than the show, but that could very well just be me.

I would've put the song, "his" by Takashi Watanabe here, but it didn’t show up, so I guess I fucking won't. It's on spotify, it's 1:03 long.

4. Blade of the Immortal - 7/10

If you saw my thirst post, you know I find Anotsu Kagehisa hot as fuck. I just wanted to say that.

The fight scenes are exquisite, I love em. Especially the first and last fights.

3. The Night Is Short, Walk on Girl - 8/10

I've already done a review on this movie, so I'll say this much.

Dr. Strange M.o.M. can get fucked, I love this fucking movie. Watch it.

2. Inu-Oh - 8/10

Fuck Me Running, I love this movie's soundtrack without a doubt. And this isn't a BELLE situation where the soundtrack is what I basically only love, no, I love the movie as well. I sincerely can't wait to buy this movie when it comes out physical, and I'm already planning to buy the vinyl.

I had to go an hour or so out of town to see this in theaters, so fucking worth it.

1. Everything Everywhere All at Once - 8/10

Fuck. I only had one problem with the movie, and everyone who's seen it likely already knows what it is. I won't say because of spoilers, but yeah. Everything else, I fucking loved beyond any other movie this year.

When "Opera Fight" played, I seriously teared up and almost cried, just because of how beautiful it is.

The final part of the movie tore me apart, and while I went about grabbing the pieces, I fucking wept.

It's so fucking great.

Honorable Mentions:

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - 7/10

Bones and All - 7/10

The Batman - 7/10

The Kiyosu Conference - 7/10

THE NORTHMAN - 7/10

BELLE - 6/10

[too-gay-for-marvel]

just this once pt.4

a/n: shes LORGE

Word Count: 5,031

Warnings: smut implications, canon typical violence, mentions of blood, non-graphic assassination

Pairing: Natasha x Reader

(pt.1 pt.2 pt.3 pt.4 pt.5 pt.6.1 pt.6.2 pt.6.3 pt.7 pt.8)

“You gonna cum for me, Talia?”

“Need another mission?” Nick asked, shaking Natasha out of a memory. Her eyes darted around for a split second and noted that the meeting was over.

She had missed the last half of the briefing.

“No,” Natasha shook her head, immediately getting up and attempting to rush out past Nick.

“Well that’s a shame,” Nick continued, moving to the doorway and completely blocking Natasha’s retreat. “I needed a legendary assassin to accompany a local fish.”

“Not a fish,” Natasha replied, far too quick for her to stop herself.

“Funny, that’s the exact same thing she said,” Nick said with a smile before crossing his arms over his chest.

Natasha knew she had lost; she hadn’t really had any hope that she would win anyway. If Nick wanted her to do something, she was going to end up doing it, and that was that. She motioned her head for him to walk with her, and his smile grew. Asshole.

“I need you to take out a target,” Nick said as if there had never been any lull in the conversation.

“Who?” Natasha asked. They reached the elevator and she pressed the button to go up to the gym. Nick pressed the button for his office.

“Jake Porter.” He handed a manila folder to Natasha. It was heavy.

“Says he’s SHIELD?” Natasha asked as she quickly flipped through page after page.

“He is,” Nick nodded, looking down at Natasha. “He’s also the snitch from your last mission.”

Natasha nodded, trying to ignore some vital parts of that mission. She had managed to avoid you for a few months again, but she should have known better than to think it would have lasted forever. It seemed almost as if the world was conspiring against her.

“If it’s a hit, why is Y/N going?” Natasha asked, slamming the manila folder closed as aggressively as possible. It ended up just folding back over at an embarrassingly slow pace.

“He’s hiding in an underwater safe house.”

Of course he is.

“When do we leave?” Natasha asked as the elevator doors opened to Nick’s floor.

“In two hours,” Nick said as he walked forward, not even caring enough to look back.

Natasha sighed once the elevator doors slid shut again. A knot formed in her throat and stuck, forcing her to focus on each individual breath. Something was trying to claw it’s way out of her chest; she could only keep it at bay for so long. There would be hell to pay if it ever came forward.

“Is that not cannibalism?”

“No, it’s lunch.”

The voices pushed past the elevator doors before they were fully open, and Natasha couldn’t help the small smile that graced her lips. Both you and Yelena were sitting at the bar, trays of sushi and cups of tea in front of you. Your mouth was full and you weren’t even looking at Yelena, yet she continued to raise her brow at you in disbelief.

“You’re a fish, that’s fish. It’s cannibalism,” Yelena continued, but you shook your head and picked up another piece.

“Not a fish,” Natasha replied for you. The corner of your mouth tilted up and there was a slight shift in your gills, but Yelena just rolled her eyes.

“You two are disgusting,” Yelena mumbled to herself. “Shouldn’t you be planning a honeymoon or something?”

The room went cold. Your head tilted down until you were hunched over your sushi, picking the pieces apart with your chopsticks. There was a tenseness to your jaw that had to have been painful, but it didn’t ease up. Yelena shifted in her seat and looked down at the ground.

“It’s on hold,” Natasha shrugged, desperately wanting to get off the topic.

“Oh right,” Yelena nodded, already back to her usual demeanour. “You’ve got cold feet.”

“I don’t- I don’t have cold feet,” Natasha took a slight step back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Life is just busy.”

“Busy as in you don’t want to-”

“Did you down here for a reason?” You asked, throwing Natasha and Yelena off of their argument. You were still meticulously picking the sushi apart, rice grain by rice grain.

“We’ve got a mission,” Natasha said curtly. “We leave in two hours.”

“Okay,” you said as you stood up from the bar, towering over Natasha for only a moment before walking off. “See you then.”

“Why do they always leave me to clean up their mess,” Yelena groaned, and Natasha turned to see the mess of your sushi.

Instead of answering, Natasha just gave Yelena a wink and walked away. She has a mission to get ready for.

———

“Can you please turn the fucking heater on?” You shouted from the back for what had to have been the 12th time in the past 10 minutes. The pilot ignored you.

“If you’re cold, put on a jacket,” Natasha repeated. Your sigh could have been heard all the way back in New York.

But when she glanced up, she felt a knot form in her throat. Your thermal suit was clearly not doing anything for you as you pulled what looked to be a third jacket over your shaking shoulders. Blood was showing under your cheeks, and your gills were pulled in tight.

“There’s a space heater in the safe house,” Natasha said softly. You finally looked up and met her eyes.

As soon as your eyes narrowed in on her, she felt time stop. A heat started in her cheeks and spread to her neck and chest. It was as if you were looking into her, so deep that you could find the parts of her she didn’t even know about. Something about that look, something that dug into her core and left her feeling empty as soon as you looked away.

“I’ll freeze to death before then,” you mumbled before tearing your gaze away; you tore a hole through Natasha’s heart in the process.

For the rest of the flight, the only noise was the sound of your chattering teeth. It echoed through the quinjet and Natasha felt the beginning pangs of a migraine popping up in her head. If you didn’t stop soon, she was going to be driven into a homicidal rage.

“Hovering in five,” the pilot finally yelled out, and Natasha stood up quickly with the hopes that the faster she moved, the faster she could get away from the incessant staccato clacking of your teeth.

You stood up after a moment, standing far enough away from Natasha that she couldn’t feel your warmth. But you were still close enough for her to notice the shakiness spreading down your limbs. The way your harpoon jingled on your belt as your body was wracked with the occasional spasm. And yet you put on a brave face and braced for the mission.

“My mask has an hour of oxygen,” Natasha said, already pulling said mask onto her face. “Think we can finish by then?”

“Sh-shouldn’t t-take that long,” you stuttered, teeth shivering between words. “Short d-dive.”

“Opening the cargo door,” the pilot yelled, and just as he said, the cargo door opened and you both stared out into the dark, icy water.

“Age before beauty,” Natasha teased as she gestured out at the water.

“Very f-funny,” you chattered again, but followed her direction and stepped off the cargo door and into the freezing water below.

Natasha was quick to follow suit, wanting to get the dreadful part over as quickly as possible. The very instant her feet touched the water, a painful shock travelled across her skin, sinking deep into her bones. Her fingers reacted slowly when she tried to clench her fist.

“Let’s go,” you said through your comms, and Natasha managed to see you just in time before you disappeared into the inky darkness.

It was like Natasha was swimming through jello. No matter how much she willed her limbs to move, her body to keep going, it seemed she slowed down with each stroke. The water around her started to close in, each breath drawing the pressure closer. Her lungs were on fire and her heart was pounding too hard and the darkness was closing in and she needed out.

There was the whisper of a touch on her arm before she felt herself being yanked upward, finally soaring through the water like she had wanted. In a heartbeat the water released her, the pressure disappearing far faster than it had appeared. She yanked her mask off and inhaled deeply, ignoring the way her lungs screamed at her to stop.

“Trying to get yourself killed?” You asked, and Natasha finally took notice of your hand wrapped around her bicep.

“It was too dark,” Natasha replied, her tongue feeling heavy and slow.

“You didn’t answer the comms,” you continued, “I thought you had gotten lost.”

There was venom to your words. Natasha looked up and managed to calm her shaking enough to see the fire in your eyes, the clenching of your jaw, the freshly picked spots on your bottom lip. Your hand was gripped tight enough that if Natasha had any circulation left in her arm, it would’ve been cut off.

And she didn’t care.

“Let’s just get this over with,” Natasha said, finally yanking her arm out of your grasp. “You stay here for the getaway.”

You nodded and jumped back into the moon pool, already nothing more than a memory. Natasha wasn’t sure if she liked that or not. She shook her head and took off down the corridor, already on the hunt for her target.

It was easy. Far too easy. He was in his room, door unlocked, music far too loud for him to hear anyone come in. A single shot to the back of the head, and the mission was over. Now all she really needed to do was head back to the moon pool and then you could both get to the safe house and warm up.

Except for the small, itty bitty insignificant fact that the base was set to self destruct once Porter’s vitals stopped.

As soon as the sirens started to echo through the base, Natasha was sprinting down the halls. She didn’t know how much time was left, didn’t care, she just needed the both of you to get as far away as possible before you were stuck in the rubble. Natasha turned the last corner and saw you standing on the edge of the moon pool.

“A little faster, please?” You yelled, grabbing Natasha’s arm and pulling her into the water, giving her barely enough time to pull her oxygen mask back on.

You didn’t let go of her arm as you started cutting through the water. She could feel the blood pulling back from her limbs and pooling back in her core, and she felt like dead weight. Your momentum slowed as you pulled her up and wrapped your arm around her waist.

But then the muffled sirens stopped, and you both turned around just in time to see a flash. Natasha’s body wouldn’t react, just felt like lead as you pulled her closer, curling up around her until she was completely covered in you. The distorted explosion reached Natasha’s ears just as she felt the shock wave propel you both further away.

The spinning seemed to last forever, and Natasha felt like even her brain was spinning along with the rest of her body. She didn’t know when it stopped, couldn’t tell when you were still. It was impossible to tell what was up, down, where the surface was, how deep she was, how close she was to death.

Until you pulled away slightly and looked at her.

Natasha went to take a breath and immediately felt freezing water shoot down her throat. She cut the breath off as quickly as possible, but it was too late. The water was deep in her lungs, freezing each individual cell from the inside out. She didn’t have an oxygen mask anymore.

There was a split second where your eyes met hers, and they almost seemed to turn black before she felt your free hand close her nose. She was about to push you away when she felt your lips on hers, cold and chapped. You pulled her closer and teased her lips open, and she didn’t fight it. If she was about to die, then at least she would die happy.

And then you exhaled, and her lungs inflated and felt just a little lighter, and the darkness inched away.

You pulled your mouth away and started swimming again, presumably heading up though Natasha couldn’t tell anymore. Every few seconds you would exhale more oxygen into her lungs, keeping her alive as you dragged both of your freezing bodies back to safety.

As soon as you broke the surface, Natasha gasped and filled her lungs with fresh air before coughing the water back out. She was freezing, her limbs felt like lead, and her body was aching from the inside out. And yet you continued to pull her along, swimming to shore until you could pull her up with you.

The rocks on the shore poked into her suit, leaving bruises that would grow very quickly once she got back to the safe house. You laid on the shore too, back down, small pebbles sticking to your gills. From the way they twitched, it was clearly uncomfortable, if not painful.

You both stayed there, laying in the freezing tide, rocks and pebbles sticking into your skin to the point where you would both be recovering for weeks. Natasha’s eyes wanted to close; sleep seemed to wonderful and it would have been so easy. You could both just sleep and not hurt anymore.

But death was not in the cards, and Natasha wasn’t going to let a little cold win.

She rolled onto her stomach slowly, as fast as her body would allow, before pushing herself up to her knees and then her feet. It was painful; her body felt heavy and little pinpricks were on every inch of her skin. But she wasn’t going to think about it. Instead, she grabbed your arm and yanked you up, ignoring the gasps and hisses that you let out.

“Two miles left,” Natasha mumbled; her lips felt frozen shut.

The walk was slow; neither of you had the energy nor the warmth to make decent time. You both stumbled, tripping over your own feet, or the rocks, or the uneven terrain. But eventually you made it, right as the sun was at its highest point in the sky and Natasha almost felt the ghost of warmth in her cheeks.

“Sit down,” Natasha demanded as she threw the door open. She didn’t bother looking back before moving to grab the space heater and put it directly in front of the couch.

Your eyes were dead; they didn’t shine the way they were supposed to. Your hands kept a death grip on the blankets pulled tight over your shoulders. The shakiness in your body had disappeared, now completely still. It felt like a hole was punched through Natasha’s chest, grabbing her heart and ripping it out.

She sat on the sofa opposite you and just watched you. Hoping that you would move, that you would blink, that you would start shivering again. She didn’t know how long it normally took you to warm back up, didn’t know how long it would take for you to get back to normal. But she did know the word you had used for this condition before; you were torpid.

It felt like hours later, but Natasha’s eyes shot back to your face once she heard a wheezy gasp come from you. Your eyes looked glassy, but you blinked once, slowly, before a shiver wracked your body. Just one. But that was enough for Natasha to feel the vice grip around her throat release.

The ringing of the safe house phone made you both jump.

“Romanoff,” Natasha answered, her eyes travelling back to you.

“You’re safe?” Maria asked through the phone.

“Y/N’s torpid, but we’re secure,” Natasha said curtly. Her pulse was starting to increase.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Maria asked again.

No. No, Natasha wasn’t sure.

“I’m good,” Natasha replied anyway, “just ready to get out of here.”

“About that…”

“Don’t say it,” Natasha mumbled. She leaned against the wall and let her head fall back.

“A storm is rolling in and we won’t get to you in time,” Maria continued anyway. “You’re stuck there for a few days.”

Natasha looked over to you again, noting the rise and fall of your shoulders as you slowly, painfully pulled another blanket over your body, this time covering your head. The flush hadn’t come back to your cheeks yet, but you were moving. She could work with that.

“Will we keep power?” Natasha asked, although she already knew the answer.

“Questionable,” Maria answered anyway, “but the generator is in the back room.”

“How much can she manage?”

“She can handle one room. Use her wisely.”

One room. Not enjoyable, but manageable.

“Keep the phone plugged in?” Natasha asked.

“Preferably,” Maria answered, the sound of a smile coming through the phone. “I’d like to talk to you every now and then.”

“Then it’ll be ready,” Natasha replied with her own small smile. She missed Maria. She missed her a lot.

“I’ll try to call after the storm hits, test out the line,” Maria continued.

“I’ll be waiting for your call, then,” Natasha continued.

“You two are disgusting,” you called from the sofa, and Natasha was brought back to the current situation.

Right.

“Go check on the fish,” Maria sighed, “and keep yourselves warm.”

“Yes ma’am,” Natasha teased.

She stood up and hung up the phone before turning to check on you. You were shivering steadily, and your eyes were looking around. There was the faintest blush to your cheeks and forehead and your lips were looking slightly less chapped.

“W-what’s the w-word, bird?” You asked, looking up to meet her eyes.

“We’re stuck for a few days,” Natasha sighed as she sat on the sofa opposite you. Unlike you, she could heat up quickly. Now the cold was nothing more than a minor inconvenience.

“So basically,” you started, “they’re leaving me to die.”

“No one is leaving you to die,” Natasha huffed, rolling her eyes.

“Yes they are.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Natasha shook her head. “You have every blanket in the house wrapped around you, how are you not warming up?”

“Because I can’t warm up like that and you know it,” you groaned before falling back against the mountain of blankets.

“I’m not putting up with this right now,” Natasha said, all concern from earlier gone. “Give me a blanket, I’m going to get some sleep.”

“Take the one off the top,” you pouted, “it’s not helping much anyway.”

Natasha walked over and grabbed the blanket you had mentioned, pretending not to notice the ice and pebbles still currently sticking to your gills. You looked absolutely miserable, and she felt a pang in her chest at the sight of your shivering frame.

But she couldn’t bring herself to say anything, instead just turning around and heading off to the one bedroom. She was going to get some sleep if it was the last thing she did.

Or so she thought.

Natasha woke up to darkness and a cold starting to seep through the blanket and her thermals. She planted her feet on the freezing floor and took a deep breath, not really prepared for the fact that the power was out, and she was going to need to watch you at all times to make sure you genuinely didn’t die.

She grabbed her blanket and the two pillows off the bed and made her way to the living room. There was a flickering glow on the walls, and she walked in to see you sitting in front of the space heater and a fire. The generator was more quiet than she had expected, but it still released a constant thrum throughout the safe house.

“When did-” Natasha cut herself off, her eyes having locked onto the bloody gauze and minuscule shrapnel pieces littering the floor.

“About three hours ago,” you replied, either ignoring her hesitation or not caring. “You were out for about seven.”

“Did Maria call?” Natasha asked, trying to walk around you without seeming obvious.

“Yeah,” you nodded. Natasha could see your eyes focused on your abdomen, shaky hands moving deftly. “Said the storm would last for about two day from the time she called.” You looked up with a raised brow. “And that she loves you.”

Natasha finally got a good look at what you had been doing while she was asleep. A jagged piece of metal was sticking out of the left side of your abdomen. There were numerous blood spots on the remainder of your suit, and some bloody tweezers and towels were on the floor in front of you.

“What happened?” Natasha asked, eyes still zeroed in on your side.

“From the blast,” you shrugged before looking back down to continue picking shrapnel out of your skin.

The blast? Natasha hadn’t gotten any kind of injury from the situation, aside from a headache and maybe some oxygen deprivation, but she didn’t recall anything hitting her. Why had it hit-

Oh.

Oh of course.

She was torn. She wanted to help, was desperate to fix you up so you wouldn’t hurt or bleed. But it would have been crossing a line; you never wanted anyone’s help. On top of that, anyone’s hands on your skin made you uncomfortable.

But you were doing such a bad job.

“Give it to me,” Natasha said. She held her hand out as she sat down beside you, already using her other hand to start taking the blankets off of your shoulders.

You huffed and started grumbling to yourself, but handed the tweezers over anyway. She finally made it down to your skin and found the true culprit of the metal sticking out of your side; an entry wound on your back, near your left shoulder.

“You pushed it forward so you could reach it, didn’t you?” Natasha asked as she got to work on the piece, picking smaller pieces out as she found them.

“Does it matter?” You asked. Natasha didn’t answer, instead just pushing the piece out of your skin and ignoring the hiss of pain you sent her way.

“Hand me the first aid kit,” Natasha demanded. You grumbled again but did as you were told.

It was quick work patching you back up; your low blood pressure was very beneficial in the moment, and she wasn’t worried about you bleeding out before you could get back to the tower. You wouldn’t be comfortable, but at least you would be safe.

Once she was sure you weren’t going to ooze through the gauze, Natasha gathered the bloody articles and got up to throw them away. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see you pulling the blankets back over your shoulders, wincing every now and then when you twisted the wrong way.

When Natasha got back and sat down on the sofa, she just watched you. Watched your slowed breathing, the occasional shiver, the inaudible groan when you shifted. You looked miserable, but at least you were breathing and talking.

“I’m bored.”

Maybe she didn’t like that you were talking.

“Then you’re going to have a rough few days,” Natasha answered.

“But I’m bored,” you whined. “Help me not be bored.”

“You’re an adult, find something to do,” Natasha shot back. She got up and walked over to the bookshelf, leafing through things that she knew she wasn’t going to read, but was hoping it would give you the idea to find something.

“If I get too bored then I’ll die,” you sighed. “Do you want me to die?”

Natasha turned her head slowly and raised her brow at you.

“How dare you,” you whispered.

She turned her head back to the bookshelf so you wouldn’t see the smile desperately trying to show on her face. Your sounds of indignation continued to reach her ears, so she hurriedly picked the next book her fingers touched and walked back to the couch.

You both sat in silence for a while, and Natasha actually managed to get some reading done. She had no idea what the story was actually about, but that didn’t matter. All that really mattered was that she was killing time, and if she killed enough time then it would be time for her to go back home and forget any of this had ever happened.

“Nat, I’m bored,” you said again after more silence.

“I already told you to find something to do,” Natasha replied without looking up from her book. “I’m not going to find something for you.”

“Fine,” you grumbled as you pushed yourself up from the floor. “I’ll do it myself.”

Natasha sighed but let you go. She didn’t look up, but she was still hyper aware of where you were in the safe house. Aware of each step you took, of each cabinet you opened. Just knowing where you were gave her a sense of comfort.

“Wanna play a game?” You shouted from the other side of the safe house.

It was going to be a long few days.

———

“Connect four,” Natasha said as she slid her red chip into place. Again.

“Connect four my ass, you fucking cheater,” you said as you tried to find out just where Natasha had cheated.

“How do you cheat at connect four?” Natasha asked, a smile threatening to show through her facade.

“I don’t know, but you did,” you said, pointing your finger at her. In turn, Natasha just chuckled and took another sip of her vodka.

Two empty bottles were on the kitchen counter.

“I demand a rematch,” you said again, giving her a deathly stare.

“You’ve been saying that for the past 37 matches,” Natasha said simply.

“Fine, then we’ll play another game,” you said quickly. “We’ve got… Clue, Monopoly, Parcheesi.”

“We’ve played all of those, Y/N,” Natasha pointed out.

“Doesn’t matter, we’ll play them again and again until I win and you stop cheat-”

The sound of the generator shutting down made the both of you fall silent. Almost instantly, Natasha noticed the cold soak into your bones and your body start shaking. Your teeth clattered and you instinctively pulled the blankets tighter.

“That’s not good,” Natasha whispered. Her voice seemed to echo in the now-silent house.

“It’s cold, Talia,” you shivered. You sounded like a scared little kid.

It broke Natasha’s heart.

She didn’t know if it was the butterflies or the alcohol, but she ignored the feeling in her stomach and moved over until she was sitting directly next to you. Her hand lifted the blankets up so she could get under them, and then found her arms wrapping around your shoulders and pulling you against her.

Your body was tense against her, but it relaxed quickly once you were settled. There was a peace about you that Natasha hadn’t felt in months, since before that mission so long ago. And your body relaxed against hers gave Natasha more peace than she could ever hope to get with anyone else.

“You’re ridiculously warm,” you mumbled from under the blankets.

“It’s a gift,” Natasha teased. You chuckled, but then sat up and switched the positions, pulling Natasha into your lap.

“You’re warmer this way,” you mumbled as you laid your head against her neck. Your breath tickled her skin.

Sitting in your lap was a dangerous place to be.

“We can’t do this,” Natasha said softly.

“We’re still on a mission,” you said, your lips moving against her skin. “It doesn’t count if it’s on a mission.”

“You know that’s not true,” Natasha said. You lifted your head and looked at her.

She could see the flush in your cheeks, going down your neck and tinting your gills. There was a darkness to your eyes, reminiscent of the inky water you two had escaped from. And just like that water, they pulled Natasha in. Pulled her in and held her captive as they engulfed her completely until there was nothing else but her and the water.

“It can be,” you whispered, moving in slowly.

“Don’t kiss me,” Natasha said so softly, her voice more like the ghost of a whisper.

“Say it like you mean it,” you said, now only a fraction of an inch away.

“I can’t,” Natasha whispered around the knot in her throat.

She could feel your breath on her lips, could feel the way your fingers were digging into her thigh and hip. The fire left a warm glow on your face, illuminating the scars, the shaved hair that was starting to grow back in, the sparkle of the inviting water in your eyes.

And Natasha wanted to dive in.

Until the rumble of a quinjet landing nearby shocked her out of her trance. She pushed herself off of your lap, rushing to the door as quickly as possible and throwing it open to see Maria standing on the cargo door.

“Need a lift?” Maria asked over the roar of the quinjet.

“And a medic,” you said, suddenly appearing behind Natasha. You had ditched the blankets and were standing tall, although Natasha could see the slight shake in your hands.

“Lucky for you, we’ve got both,” Maria said with a smile, ushering for the both of you to hop in.

Natasha got in first and looked back to help you in, but you ignored her outstretched hand and crawled in on your own, face scrunched in pain as your wounds pulled. You didn’t look at her when you passed, instead heading straight to the medic and letting him get a look at your injuries.

You ignored Natasha the entire trip home.

Natasha swore everyone on the jet could hear her heart explode the same way the underwater base had.

[imatechbummerliketomholland]

sorry seems to be the hardest word - h.o

Word count: 3171

Warning: angst, swear

Pairing : harrison osterfield

Request: no.

N/A: It took me so long to write this. I remember i asked @soft-haz to write something with the "sorry seems to be the hardest word" vibe, it was so good! But i wanted to write something by myself too. Remember, english is not my first language, so be kind if you spot mistakes, i really try my best. Italics parts are flashbacks

Thanks to @petersasteria because she correct a big part of this fic! Love you. Don't hesitate to tell me what you think of the fic! Love you all! xx

ღღღ

part 2 (harry hollad x reader) - part 3 (harry holland x reader)

The few rays of sunshine in London today and England's victory over the Croats had improved your mood. Tom and Harry were home as soon as the game was over, they found you sitting on the couch with a glass of wine. You hadn't wanted to join them at the bar for obvious reasons: to keep your privacy as much as possible. Living with four boys was not easy, but living with four boys, one of whom was a world-famous actor and another in the midst of the media boom, was even more so. Of course, fans knew that Tom, Harrison, Harry, and Tuwaine had a female roommate. But you've always managed to never appear with your face uncovered in any media activity of your four-favorite divs.

The bottle was already nearly empty and you were already on your drunken streak, not wanting to stop when two of your drinking buddies had just entered. What a good opportunity to continue the evening.

"Will you join me, boys?"

“Mmm yeah, sure, love.” Harry said.

But a problem presented itself to you: the boys drank beer, you drank wine. You had two options now: either open a new bottle of wine for yourself or continue the evening with beer. Your eyes turned to your glass, spilling the rest of the bottle into your jug before swallowing it dry. Harry had a stunned expression on his face as Tom smirked.

"I see hanging out with us leaves its mark."

"You wish, Holland. I knew how to do it before I even knew you existed."

"You've known me since I was 19."

"And you think I waited for you to learn how to drink?"

"Fair enough."

You met the boys in a pub. You’ll never tell Nikki that, when you met them, her precious twins drank too many beers even if they weren’t old enough to drink (technically, they weren’t criminals, drinking beer at 16 is legal and come on, it’s England!)

❀❀❀

So, you met the boys in a pub. It was one of the nights when your friends and you wanted to drink until you're blackout drunk. You were in that pub/club, looking up after one of your friends. She had detected some pretty boys in the back and left you there, alone. You moved around the room without paying attention: glass in hand, your phone you stared at in the other. You suddenly felt an arm blocking your chest with force. The surprise had made you drop your glass.

“What the heck?!?”

“You will not pass, miss.”

“Oh yeah? Why? Is the pope there?” You said sarcastically

The man who stood in your way raised an eyebrow and you looked at him, waiting for a response.

“You are very funny. It’s a VIP space.”

“Once again, why is that?”

“None of your business.”

“Actually, I don't care if Sir Elton John is in that bar or if it's even the Queen of England. I'm just looking for my friend: tall, blonde, balloon-sized fucking boobs, red dress."

“Not seen."

You sighed. The situation annoyed you to the highest point. You had lost your friend and that big asshole had broken your glass. The man in front of you seemed to be marble. Short answer, arms crossed, and an imposing posture. All you wanted tonight was just to have fun. You didn't care that God-knows-who, any famous or rich enough to book a VIP space, was in that bar.

"Would the asshole that hired you tonight, at least be kind enough to buy me the glass you broke with your bullshit?"

From his side, Harry had noticed the altercation. He then walked towards you, he laughed when he heard you insult his brother through the bouncer's fault. And as the Colossus' bodyguard was about to tell you that you could always dream of getting that free drink, Harry spoke up.

“The asshole, maybe not directly. But the asshole's brother. Certainly. It will be on his check anyway.”

“For God's sake, what are you waiting for then?”

And just like that, you met the boys. Harry paid you for the glass that the other jerk broke, invited you to this precious VIP space and you could talk and dance the night away. You had exchanged your social media and over time, your phone numbers. And as fast as you couldn't imagine, you had found yourself stuck in an apartment with four adorable idiots as roommates.

❀❀❀

"Hey, y/n, where are the others?" Harry asked.

You grumbled and grabbed the beer the curly had just opened. He protested as you took a sip. Tom gave you a curious look and you frowned behind your bottle.

"y/n?”

"I don't know where T is, but Harrison's gone on a date with Gracie."

The two brothers exchanged a look heard in the face of the bitterness they had perceived in your voice. It was no longer much of a secret that you had feelings for Harrison. You had feelings for Tom's best friend for almost as long as you'd met him. Harry had noticed it first, because you were much closer to him than to Tom. The actor had understood at the start of an evening, at the beginning of the relationship between Harrison and his girlfriend.

However, you didn't hate Gracie. She was beautiful, kind, and very funny. She really brought out the best in Harrison, she made him happy and you could see that because of the distinct smile on his face. You didn't hate her; she just wasn't you and you just weren't her. And that was the whole problem. Jealousy consumed you and you hated yourself for it.

“Are you alright, darling?” Tom asked you since silence filled the room after your last sentence.

"I'll be fine after one more drink" you simply answered.

You took a sip of the beer you stole from Harry. Drowning in alcohol was certainly not the solution. But you just wanted to forget the blond a bit for tonight. Tom's worried look made you roll your eyes.

"Oh come on, Tom. Don't give me those eyes. I will be fine ..."

“Yeah, sure.” he said with a doubt.

"Can we just watch a silly movie or play a silly game to make my night better?"

Harry seemed to hear you as he shrugged and took a sip of his drink. He knew you by heart. At this point, he really considered you his best friend. So he knew you needed something to clear your mind. Something where your mind should be quick to think about.

“One,” he said nonchalantly.

"Two" you responded with a huge smile on your face.

"You are both stupid." the Holland elder complained about the game you had just started.

"You say that because you're a lousy actor who can't remember his lines. Play Holland!"

"Three". He capitulated.

And you continued like this until 21. Then, there followed a multitude of rule additions each time you reach the number 21. The 7 turned into "I'm a poor liar", the 18 into "I'd rather kiss a guinea pig" ... And every time one of you made a mistake, he drank. After an hour, the game looked like a strange conversation from the outside.

"Squirrels are scary, man." Harry said, mimicking his older brother.

"Black Widow is the best president of the United States" Tom said

"But she’s a bad lay." you responded, with a fake sigh of disappointment

"I'd rather kiss a guinea pig"

"Because you have no taste"

"Twenty"

It was at this precise moment, in the middle of the conversation, that Harrison decided to enter the living room. His blissful smile gave way to an air of amazement and disbelief at the talk between his three roommates. It was Tom who first noticed his best friend. He nodded to greet him. Harrison wore a simple black t-shirt with chinos. You took a look at your roommate and your cheeks flushed a little more than they already were.

"Hello mate! How was your date?" asked Tom with a big smile on his face

"Awesome. Can't believe it will be a year in 3 freaking days." Harrison said.

You could see his large smile, and blissful air. He was sweating happiness and although you were happy for him, it tore your heart. You purse your lips to avoid comment. Harry spoke up.

"We're playing 21. Do you want to land with us?"

"In fact, you can take my place." You got up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen to drop off your beer drain. Harrison frowned as Tom exchanged a new look with his brother.

"y/n, you can stay, It's an unlimited players game." Harry almost begged.

"No, I'm tired. I'm going to take a shower and then go to bed."

“y/n” Harrison tried to call you to hold you back a little longer.

But you were already gone. You've never climbed the stairs so fast to run away from your roommate/best friend. Harrison looked at Tom and Harry, worried about your behavior. The curly one just shrugged his shoulders as his brother shook his head, silent. They weren't intending to get involved in this. You were the only master of your feelings and the time you'll decide to confess them to Harrison. That is why they preferred to be quiet.

☙♡❧

You spent the whole next week to avoid Harrison as much as possible. Established more distance with him was your solution to protect yourself from your feelings especially after his one-year anniversary date with Gracie and his absolute cute instagram post. It broke you down. Your heart was in peace but you couldn't blame him or his girlfriend. You were in love with the wrong guy, that's all.

But you couldn't hide from him forever. After all, you both lived in the same house, you had the same friends. So, it was hard to pretend he didn't exist.

Today was not your lucky day. You bumped into him in the kitchen. That was his opportunity to hold you down. He grabbed you by the shoulders, preventing you from burying yourself. Now he would finally find out what was wrong with you. Because Harrison wasn't a fool. He had noticed that you acted with him differently. Your behavior remained unchanged towards the other boys in the house.

“y/n. Don’t avoid me; please, please y/n, look at me”

You have plunged your eyes into its bewitching blue irises. Big mistake. You were drowning now in the turmoil of your feelings for the blonde. He had always had that effect on you, always. Tears started to bead at the corners of your eyes, you were biting your lip to hold back the torrent of tears that was already beginning to flow. Harrison's throat tightened at the sight of you like that and his hold on your shoulders slowly loosened.

“I hate seeing you like this. Please talk to me” he almost begged you

“Harrison…” your voice struggle as soon you pronounced his name.

“Please darling…tell me what’s goin’ on”

As a perfect angel, Tom was the one who saved you by interrupting this quick talk. You wiped away your tears with the end of your sleeve and run away to your room. Harrison sighed in despair. He didn't understand why you were running away from him like the plague.

“Dude, do you know why she's like that. What did I do? » He finally asked to Tom.

"I can't tell you Haz. She's the only one having the right to tell you about this"

"Bullshit. Fuck you all." Harrison said, frustrated.

Then he just quit, leaving the kitchen.

☙♡❧

Sunday came and Tom asked you all to spend the night with him before his LA trip the next evening. It was a normal night with friends. And despite your pent-up feelings and wanting to avoid Harrison at all costs, you didn't want to miss Tom, he was your friend.

There was only the usual gang: Harry, Tuwaine, Tom (obviously) and you. But the tension was felt within the group. The lingering unspoken words about your feelings for Harrison were beginning to weigh on all of your friendship. It was so bad that it hurts to stay in the same room as Harrison. All you could see was his constant happiness, this wonderful man he had always been but in a more radiant version of himself. And you weren't the cause of that. You hated it, you hated being selfish that much. You were ready to sacrifice your friendship with the young Netflix actor for two reasons: you wanted to protect yourself ... and you weren't ready to be that obstacle in the midst of Harrison and Grace's happiness.

You were in the kitchen with Harry, pretending to help him with drinks and snacks. The curly boy could see you dragging your feet, repeating like a mantra this phrase "come on, you can do it ... do it for Tom, it's his night. Don’t be selfish, you can make it." And you really wanted it ... have a good time with your friends.

Sometimes Harry felt guilty for introducing Gracie to Harrison. They worked together as set PA in 2018 and became close friends but not as close as you were with him. You considered him like your best friend. It made sense for him to feel a bit responsible for your broken heart. But you never said a word about it.

“I’m sorry, y/n” confessed Harry.

“For what?” you simply responded.

"For having hampered your happiness. I was stupid to introduce Grace to Harrison and ignore your feelings. I wanted to help my friend. "

"Bullshit Harry. Never apologize for that. You've been a great friend to Harrison."

"But not for you."

"Who cares?" you asked, trying to minimize your feelings

"Me ... you are one of my best friend y/n"

"Just like Harrison is your best friend. Don't apologize for making him happy. Fuck, I'm the one who should apologize." You said, with a tone of anger and despair in your voice

And that's how you crack, breaking in all your sensitivity. You couldn't hold back your tears from falling as you blasted everything that was on your heart. You don't even realize that Harrison is a few feet behind your back. The weight of your feelings, your anxieties explode in the kitchen as when a cup is dropped on the immaculate tiled floor.

“What I got to do to make him love me? What I got to do to make him care? Not as the sweet friend Harry. I’m deeply in love with him and it’s gonna drive me insane! What I got to do to make him want me? Huh Harry, can you tell me? All those question in my head…and no answer to that. And you know what? It's sad, sad situation…more than that it’s a shitty situation, because I'm getting away from him and it makes us sick. Because I'm unable to tell him why.”

“You just told me.” Harrison finally said.

You jumped for a second before you froze. Harry is caught off guard and rushes into the living room stammering an apology. You are trapped. You are trapped and you can hear the footsteps of your roommate coming closer to you, so close, that now you can feel his breath on the back of your neck. Gently, he places his hands on your arms and exerts pressure for you to face him.

"You love me"

"It depends ..." you replied with difficulty

"On what?"

"On what you heard before."

"Enough that you can't contradict me."

Her thin smile doesn't help you relax. Instead, you look down, admiring your two pairs of feet. You felt like being stripped naked and you didn't like that feeling. If you could have kept this secret in your grave. But now he knew and you felt even heavier than the Titanic.

"So ... is that it? Nothing more to tell me?"

"What do you want me to add to what you've already heard?"

"Sorry?" he tried.

"For what?"

"For what? y/n are you kidding me? Sorry for being distant with me, maybe? Sorry for hiding all these things from you? Sorry for not trusting our friendship to come to me and speak?" he exploded…

"What would that have been for, Harrison? You don't love me back…" you screamed back.

"I ... I’m ..."

"See, sorry seems to be the hardest word."

After that last ironic reply, silence fell in the kitchen. So was that it? Was that how your friendship was to end? The great giants of the universe had reserved this dramatic scene for you to break years of bonding. You didn't know how to get out of this situation. You didn't even know if there was a few more things to save. You were broken and had just spoiled the happiness of one of your best friends.

Harrison was silent. He seemed to be probing your body, your attitude, analyzing any gesture that might give him the opportunity to take a step towards you. But the solution was there, finding everything ... It was enough, for both of you, to swallow your pride.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" you echo your previous conversation

"Sorry for not feeling the same as you. For not being who you want me to be to you."

"You know ... I don't hate her."

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Gracie. I don't hate her. She makes you really happy. I just hate the jealousy I feel towards her… I hate that I am not her. But I don’t hate her, she's a really good girl."

A small smile dawned on Harrison's lips, the blonde toyed nervously with his fingers and the ring he always wore as an accessory.

"Yeah ... yeah she's great."

"I'm really sorry ... about everything."

"It's ok. We don't control how we feel. I..I can understand"

"Yeah..."

"y/n?" he tried; a little bit shy about what he’s gonna ask.

"Mhmm?"

"Do you think we can be friends again?"

You bow your head, taking a minute to think. Was everything really broken? Were you going to be able to rebuild a solid friendship after this conversation? Were you going to be able to squeeze out your feelings? You sighed before plunging into those beautiful blue eyes that you loved so much.

"Maybe. I hope so with all my heart."

"I hope so too. And I hope you find someone like I found Grace."

"You can always dream. You dripping with love, it's impossible to find someone like you two."

"Don't despair. He might be closer than you think."

He winked at you and you looked at him confused. But after a few seconds, a smile appeared at the corner of your lips. No, you had no hope of him talking about him. But you were happy, because that little sentence opened the door for you to a bond that you were trying to find.

[natromanxoff]

Queen live at Birmingham National Arena in Birmingham, UK - August 31, 1984 (Part-1)

(x)

This is the first of three nights in Birmingham, perhaps the best all-around show of the European tour.

A fan who attended one of the three Birmingham concerts recalls the announcer during the final minutes leading up to the show:

"The show will begin in 5 minutes"

"The show will begin in 4 minutes"

"The show will begin in 3 minutes"

"The show will begin in 2 minutes"

"The show will begin in 1 minute"

Then right at zero, the lights went out and the Machines intro started to play. What a way to build the intensity.

Freddie, clearly happy to be back on the road, after the opening numbers, says, "It's nice to be needed all these years!"

Brian plays a nice little progression before Now I'm Here, but Freddie, impatient as always, tells his guitarist, "Give me a fucking D," just so they can get the song going.

The keyboard and guitar solos are now played separately, which is how they will remain for the rest of the European tour. Spike Edney would usually reference Machines during his solo spot using a vocoder.

The lights go out during Hammer To Fall at one of these three shows. The song is now played earlier in the set (where it would remain for the rest of the Works tour), as the band feel that three new songs in a row is a bit much.

At the end of the show, Freddie says, "Good night, you wonderful people. You can come again any time!"

According to the July '89 issue of Record Collector, all 7 UK shows were properly recorded by the band. However, sources close to the band have since stated that this is not true.

This is amusing:

(x)

Fan Stories

“I was lucky to see Queen for three nights back to back on what were three awesome concerts. I travelled up from Carmarthen, West Wales with a friend to stay with my Auntie in Worcester on Friday night. Caught the train into Birmingham station and chilled out until the doors opened. I had a ticket two rows from the front and couldn't wait for Queen to hit the stage. While I was queing up to enter the arena some guy was asking for "any spare tickets". I was not going to give my ticket away to anybody as I had waited 5 years to see my idols!! The atmosphere in the arena was electric as the crowd waited for Queen to hit the stage. The support act were General Public fronted by the guy who use to be in The Beat. They were pretty awful and went off around 8.30pm. I WAS NOW READY FOR THE REAL THING. 30 minutes went by and realised that it would not be a 2 hour show as they had to be off stage by 11. At last the lights went out at 9.10 and on they came. What a sight! Machines roared over the speakers and then they tore the place apart with Tear It Up. I was totally blown away by the sheer sound and presence of four rock gods doing their thing and was totally spellbound for the next 110 minutes. Let me say that this was rock and roll at its brilliant best. The set list was truly awesome and they played a lot of their early stuff - Liar, Keep Yourself Alive, Somebody To Love, Killer Queen - too many to mention and when they played Stone Cold Crazy / Great Kings Rat / Brigton Rock I just went crazy and could'nt wait for the encores. Hammer To Fall was totally brilliant and I remember Freddie grabbing a hat from a crazed fan as he had a hammer on it and playing around with it when Spike did his guitar entry for the final part. CLTCL went on forever with Spike and Freddie enjoying themselves at the piano and to cap it off, Freddie posturing around in an outrageous wig for Break Free and WWRY. By the time Champions came and went it was the end of a truly memorable and epic night. A night which I'll never forget and this was only the first night! On night 2 & 3 the set was the same except for Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting and Sheer Heart Attack as an encore on Saturday and Jailhouse Rock on Sunday. After the first show on Friday I was on such a high that we missed the final train back to Worcester and went back by taxi. I drove to the gigs on Saturday & Sunday. This has to be my favourite Queen tour in terms of satisfying the die hard fans. All their early songs from their early albums and a totally awesome stage act. A fantastic way to spend a weekend. Without doubt the greatest live act you're ever likely to see. I was only 21 at the time - I'm now forty and still have fond memories of these truly sensational shows. Please read my story about the Magic Tour '86.” - Steve

Part-2

[eyessharpweaponshot]

hi there!! are there any fics you’re reading right now that you would recommend? i need something good after the season we’ve been given so far 😣

hello there!

I agree, this season has been disappointing - especially considering it’s the last one. but thankfully, our fandom is full of amazing writers that serve us goods regularly. I have so much to recommend, it’s a joke. so prepare for a long fic rec. In no particular order, let’s begin:

1. Chasin’ You - @burninghoneyatdusk

okay. you’re gonna see a bit of a theme with me in these fic recs because the authors I mention are some of my favourites in the world - sam being one of the TOP TIER ones. this fic is a modern au, written about clarke and bellamy as exes (a favourite trope of mine) that have went their separate ways. clarke has moved away and hasn’t kept tabs on bellamy but he's soared to the top as a country star, his hit single being about her and what they had. if there’s any fic from this list you need to start reading, it’s this one.

2. Voices in the Water - @burninghoneyatdusk

It’s the canon version we all wanted. set on earth, clarke’s aunt (nia) forces her into an arranged marriage with king bellamy to unite the clans. but under it all, nia has tasked her to kill him. obviously, as clarke falls in love with bellamy, it’s the one task wanheda probably can’t complete. I'm in love with the imagery and descriptions in this fic. there are honestly some lines that sam writes that I want to frame and put up in my house. absolute brilliance.

3. All Because of You - @burninghoneyatdusk

*sheepishly raises hand* - hi, it’s me again, fangirling over another one of sam’s fics. if you have followed me for a while, either here or on twitter, you’ll have seen me screaming about this fic. I've pulled over while driving to read an update that came through to my email. no lie. I don’t say this lightly but it is definitely in my top 3 favourite bellarke fics of all time. sam DELIVERS with this one. bellamy knocks up his sister’s best friend when they’re both young and they grow together in raising their daughter. this fic flashes between present and future in the most seamless way and we see how in love they were back then but too scared to admit it, combined with how in love they are now that they are mature and older - but yet can’t seem to take the leap. I can’t tell you enough how good this fic is. I'm in love and it’s one of those fics that I would happily have as a book on my bookshelf, the pages worn and falling out from the amount of times that I re-read it.

*I just want to note that sam is doing a fantastic job at running @bellarkefic-for-blm. This is an opportunity for the bellarke community to directly support the Black Lives Matter cause through reading and writing fanfiction. For every fanfiction prompt a participating writer receives, they ask that you donate to an organization that supports the BLM cause. This initiative includes non-bellarke the 100 ships and requests for other content (e.g. gif sets, icons, moodboards, fanart). please check them out and request a prompt (this also includes updates for the above mentioned fics)*

4. Count Your Teeth - @icantloseyou-too

let me tell you, you guys will be well fed after reading this fic. It’s one of the most original idea’s and we get so much bellarke and the blake siblings in this one. bellamy is a treasure hunter and married to clarke, after leaving his thieving days behind him. that is until his past comes knocking and drags him back into that world again - and clarke along with him. absolute chefs kiss!

5. Cups and Sorcerers - @icantloseyou-too

again, such a unique plot with just the right amount of fluff. clarke is a witch who owns a coffee shop and she ends up meeting someone just as unique as her. I’m invested in this to an embarrassing degree and it always puts me in a good mood when this fic is updated. such a light and heart filling read and ciara does a fantastic job of world building in this fic.

6. Paint me in Trust - @pawprinterfanfic

I'm sure this fic needs no introduction. everyone and their mother has heard of it and if you haven’t read it yet, believe me, you’re missing out. a harry potter au that runs alongside the last few movies without being involved with the main characters. essie manages to make an already existing world so different, thrilling and gripping. it emotionally upends you and takes you along for the ride without any intention of letting you off. I'm just in love with it and rightly so!

7. When the Wolves Come Home - @pawprinterfanfic

I don’t know how people aren’t RAVING about this fic more because I certainly am. it’s massive for me to even say this because I love all of essie’s work but it’s my favourite fic that she’s written. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I read how she’s written bellarke in this. it’s a percy jackson au but you don’t need to have knowledge of that world to enjoy this. I actually started reading the books because of this fic. essie writes it so well and incorporates a lot of fantastic elements from greek mythology while also keeping me on the edge of my seat with bellarke’s journey. HERE FOR IT ALL THE WAY.

8. I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun - @cominguproses13x

I’ve never seen a fic talked about as much as this one. with 60 chapters, it’s bound to satisfy any hunger you have for bellarke. it’s set in a post apocalyptic world and it is beyond a shadow of a doubt, my favourite setting to read bellarke in. I've actually stopped reading this fic on chapter 5 because im currently writing my own post apocalyptic au as it was a trope on my bingo card and I don’t want any subconscious spill over, but I fully intend on reading the rest of the fic in one go once my fic is published and done. it deserves all the praise and hype.

9. For Blue Skies - @kombellarke

kayla’s fics make me actually weep. her writing style is just unbelievable and she sucks me into stories so fast. this one is no different. I live and breathe for bellarke as exes and this fic is one of my favourites. it’s a modern au with clarke as a mother and she cascades back into bellamy’s life without warning. perfect angst and anticipation. in love.

10. Love Like Fools - @talistheintrovert

the way I love talis with my whole heart. I'm always obsessed with her fics and the way this one was written was just magnificent. enemies to friends to lovers, roommates, angst, emotional comforting? SIGN ME UP. the perfect mix of all of those and I felt so good after reading this. always a fan.

11. It Had To Be You - @useyourtelescope

I had the honour of pre-reading some of this fic before it was published and I felt so privileged. a regency au with a prank war sprinkled in? perfection. hana honestly writes this so beautifully and I can’t recommend this enough. it’s so unique and we are all so incredibly lucky that there’s something in the bellarke fic world for everyone.

12. Veni, Vidi, Vinci - @carrieeve

Again, proof of the pudding that there’s something in fic for everyone. I’ve never read one like this before and it THRILLED me. murphy and bellamy working together to steal a Vinci? it was the fic I never knew I needed. the bellarke interaction in this was beautifully written and I am just completely obsessed. we really struck gold with the bellarke big bang works this year.

13. A Twist of Fate - @queenemori

let’s be honest, soulmate au’s are always wanted and needed in this fandom and kara does an excellent job of serving us this one. we got some team cockroach in here along with some top tier quality bellarke. what more could you ask for? if you haven’t read this fic yet, you need to. so thankful for kara being the absolute gifted babe that she is.

14. Power Over Me - @sparklyfairymira

okay, if you recently watched the witcher on netflix like I did, believe me, you NEED to read this fic. if you haven’t watched the witcher, this fic will make you want to watch it. the smut in this, the plot, the WRITING. absolutely phenomenal. have I mentioned how lucky we are to have such fantastic writers in this fandom?

15. There’s a Serpent Lying Deep Down in These Still Waters - @shaeheda

post apocalyptic au? SIGN ME UP. bellarke thrown together in unkind circumstances? SIGN ME UP. this magnificent human writing a fic? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. I'm so in love with this fic already and I haven’t even finished it yet. as I've said, I've stopped reading fics in this genre until my own is completed but I’ve read enough to tell you that this needs to be on your next to read list. forever in awe of the talent here and this fic makes me feel so lucky to be part of something so great.

I hope this satisfies you for a while and that you enjoy all the bellarkey goodness that comes from these fics. I'm gonna drop some of mine below because why not? just in case you’re in need of something more.

1. I Found Peace in Your Violence

clarke griffin has it all. she’s popular, an artistic prodigy and has a wealthy family to boot. so when her perfect world comes crashing down around her, it’s time to sink or swim. she tests positive for the Homicidal Tendency Syndrome gene, also known as the kill gene. clarke is plucked from her comfortable life and placed into a school with people just like her - carriers, delinquents. when she meets bellamy blake there, he looks like everything they say HTS carriers are. a monster, a criminal. yet, he’s the one who protects her.

2. I Am Lost This Time

a void!bellamy fic that we all deserved to have happen in canon. an au where bellamy hears clarke’s radio calls from earth, sees her memories in m-cap and where she really is the key: the one that unlocks his memories and brings him back to her.

3. Purple, Blue, Orange, Red

bellarke are childhood friends and teenage lovers, reuniting in the midst of the same grief that tore them apart.

4. Devil Side

post apocalyptic setting and my favourite fic to have ever written. both of them coming together to survive and protect those in their family, including two small children. bellarke started out as strangers, who would have thought that they’d end up co-parenting in the middle of a world that is too dangerous to survive out in the open?

5. Waste It on Me

a soulmate/reincarnation au that I wrote based off my own breakup and feelings. probably my most popular fic and should keep you going in terms of bellarke feels.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Twenty First Lines

I was tagged by @sagechanoafterdark, thank you for the tag Lovely 💚

Like Sage in her Post, Im might do a extra line or two to give a real feel for it. Im also going to do it random, not just my latest ones, because to be honest, I dont know when I posted some things and in what order. 

I have forgotten about some of these! It was fun seeing them again. 

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag some of your favorite writers!

The cold steel of the pole easily slicked along your heated thighs as you spun around it, your head tipping back as the rush of the club’s sultry lights turned into blurs will you easily landed on your toes. You Can Be The Boss- Mob!Steve x You x Mob!Bucky

The family settled and a few weeks later, morning started out normal for the rest of the household , but didn’t start that way for Andy. His coughing never seemed to break and he was covered in a light sheen of sweat. Home Sweet Home: Catch ‘Em Andy Barber x You

You unlocked the apartment door and stepped into the blessed warm house, sighing in relief at the smell that hit your senses. “God Sam, that smells so damn good.” Go Relax Sam Wilson x You

“Fuck!” He hissed above you before collapsing over you, his words muffled in your shoulder, and you, with your ankles hooked together, heels digging into his ass cheek and purring underneath him, nuzzled his shoulder with a satisfied sigh, your hands smoothing up and down his back in a loving gesture, was how you found yourself in a slightly lightning room. “The Barnes Special” Bucky Barnes x You

Early morning light streamed across Curtis’ face, and he slung his arm over his eyes to block out the light with a groan. But he still had a grin, cause for 17 years there was no significance to day and night. Just This Forever Moment Curtis Everett x You (Life After Snowpiercer)

They had to make fun where they could, You would make up games with a die you still had, your younger brother, Matt sitting cross legged across from you on the bunk and a 4 year old Edgar in your lap, leaning over as much as possible without falling out of your lap. Taken (Early Years) Curtis Everett x You (Life After Snowpiercer) 

After you two came to a stalemate, you insisted on heading back outside and helping the remaining wolves. Attack Of The Winter Wolf: Salvaging The Lost Alpha Steve x Little One

“Weekend plans?” Sam asked Steve while they waited for the logs to be unloaded from the back of the truck to be sent into the mill to be filed down and then Steve could arrange to have them shipped out to buyers. The Pack: Heated Petals Alpha Steve x Little One

Ransom perched his sunglasses on the end of his nose as he peered over the frames to the quaint storefront you had him stop at. Surprising Finds Ransom x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader

“Come on Baby, just one more.” Ransom hissed against your ear, his tongue swiping over the shell of your ear while tightening his hold on your throat, your sobs coming out half strangled from needing to come on his cock that he kept pounding into you. You Can’t Get Better Then A Thrombey Ransom Drysdale x Reader

“Baby wake up.” You heard a husky whisper in your ear as well as a rough scrape against your shoulder from Franks cheek as he pressed in close to your back, the soft hairs of his chest pressed into your sleepy warm skin and you muttered a no into your pillow as you hid your face into the cotton covers. Remember? Frank Adler x You 

“Don’t start Y/N” Frank snapped a bit while glancing at you. Oppressive Frank Adler x You

Mike’s hand rubbed against his chin as he parked his rundown truck, the vehicle shuddering to a stop. Taking The Risks Chapter One Mike Weiss x You

You rolled in bed and was not surprised to find Paul’s spot slowly cooling. Although a glance at your bedside clock showed 7:30 am, which for you was early, it was sufficiently late for Paul. Moments Of Bliss Paul Diskant x You

“You came from where?” Sam questioned with a tilt of his head, arms folded across his chest as he raised a quizzical brow at the man in all red. This Is Still Marvel, Right? Deadpool x Sam Wilson x Bucky Barnes x You

As you were dragged away, you could hear the cheers echoing off the steel walls. Wilfords Demands: Separated Curtis Everett x You

“We’re not dropping the money! Push it, it can go over that ridge.” Recovering Your Catfish: Changes Frank “Catfish” Morales x You

You pick up a flute glass from a bypassing waitress and bring the bubbling liquid to your lips. The fizz tickled your nose as you sipped while glancing around the room, another social obligation that Sue and Reed’s were throwing for the science community. Feeding The Flames: Take A Seat Johnny Storm x You

“You are sure about this Johnny?” You asked as he ducked his head out of the riders changing room, glancing around at the semi darkened arena. Feeding The Flames: Wild Ride Johnny Storm x You

Bucky did just as he promised, he read until it was later in the evening, and then when he checked the time, he snapped the book shut and set it aside. The Perfect Life Part Four Dark!Steve Rogers x Dark!Bucky Barnes x You

“Okay Brian, you want this rom com to deliver.” Mike cracked his knuckles and let his fingers lower over the keys, starting to type out the main character’s opening scene, picturing the actress Brian described as standing just behind him, sitting at your kitchen table your grandmother gave you, picking at plates of food. Sweet, Spice and Hot Water Is Always Nice (Playing It Cool AU) Mike (Me) x You

SNEAK PEEK STORIES 

Ransom could only begin to guess what he would be walking into while he made his way up the steps to his front door. It was Christmas after all and you were in full holiday mode. Holiday Ransom Special Ransom Drysdale x You

<You are the one who let her go in there.> The Silver Alpha snarled out agitated while Steve paced nearby, wearing a path through the grass, trampling it down till it tore the delicate blades, leaving the scent of green vegetation in the plant's distress. Attack Of The Winter Wolf Chapter 5 Alpha Steve x Little One

“But Steve!” You whined as you crawled across the bed, pouting your perfect painted red lips at him, daring to dart the tip of your tongue out the corner as you looked up at him from under your lashes. “I really want to see you when you fuck me.” Sinfully Sweet Kinktober Special Mob!Steve x You x Mob!Bucky

“Bucky, I will behave. Whatever you want.” You cried into his shoulder as you felt the barn's darkness swallow you whole. The Perfect Life Chapter 5 Dark!Steve Rogers x Dark! Bucky Barnes x You

Tagging some awesome writers I know- @that-damn-girl @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @just-one-ordinary-fangirl @slothspaghettiwrites @myoxisbroken and anyone else who would like to participate. 

[undercover-stories]

Take My Hand (Say You Need Me Still)

A Daredevil Fic (Matt/Foggy, Girl!Foggy. Pre-Slash)

Summary  : Look, getting shot is just the New York experience. You haven’t lived  unless you’ve been held at gunpoint at least once. And if you save  someone doing it? Hey, bonus!

First Chapter: AO3

 “I had to exist without you”,

*

*

*

Foggy had whispered those words as if in a trance. Face turned towards the sky as if speaking to no one in particular. Her words had been unprompted. They had been simply been enjoying each other’s company that day after a long work week and a chance to relax at a barbeque courtesy of Luke and Claire.

It was a month after Fisk and 7 before the incident at the police station. Matt remembers the both of them lying on a mattress futon and a pile of duvets on the roof of Colleens Dojo. Foggys tone had been soft but Matt was so focused on her that it was enough to drown out the other sounds around them. Luke and Danny laughing where they were manning the barbeque grill. Misty and Karen comparing notes on Jessica’s recent client which she didn’t appreciate but didn’t seem to mind enough to make them stop as she nursed her Jack Daniels on the edge of their conversation. Misty talking sports of all things with Colleen who was wholly and very competitively invested in the New York Yankees.

But they had all turned into peripheral noise to Matt. He had pushed himself up. Fully turned his body towards her. Something Matt didn’t really have to do since there was no visual component in his interactions with the people around him but Foggy had always appreciated the gesture. A sign of assurance from her best friend that his attention was completely and undividedly on her. For her. She’s always been proud of herself for being able garner that kind of reaction from him.

But at that moment Foggy herself had seemed distracted. Even without being able to see it, Matt could tell that her eyes weren’t directed at him. She felt distant. Sounded distant. A mirror of what Matt had been feeling ever since he came back.

He hadn’t really understood why at the time. After all he’d gotten everything he ever wanted. Even more. His firm, his partner, his identity and most importantly his friends. Not just Karen and Foggy. His best friend had made sure of that when she dragged him to Jessica’s place and sat outside her office slash apartment door while Jess tore Matt a new one over what he’d done and proceeded to throw him out with a door slam so hard the glass panel shook.

That night Jessica called his burner later telling him to meet her on a roof top (What is it with roof tops?) because she needed his ears and to quote her “You owe me. Your ass better be here in an hour”.

Matt was there before the hour was up with 20 minutes to spare.

“Fucking Boy scout”, Jess had muttered under her breath but Matt smiled and tossed her a brand-new grey scarf.

“It’s the cheapest one at Walmarts”, he had said but the softness of the material and the tag said otherwise.

Matt hadn’t needed prompting to show up on Luke’s apartment door next and meeting Danny at the Dojo where the millionaire had proceeded to wipe the floor with him in hand to hand.

“I let you win”, Matt had panted, trying to catch his breath.

“Keep telling yourself that”, Danny sniped back, though there was no heat in his words, as he threw him a water bottle.

Matt woke up the next day sore, bruised and unable to wipe the grin off his face when he showed up at the office that morning to an array of extremely expensive looking bouquets congratulating their re-opening and heavily perfumed because Danny Rand is a passive aggressive dick.

But it also came with a 6 digit cheque from Rand Industries so none of them were about to complain. “A gift, from Rand Industries to the Firm of Nelson and Murdock. To hopefully new and better beginnings” was written on the envelope it came with.

Matt wished it had been as easy with Foggy. Not that either of them had given any resistance in efforts of reconciliation. But there were no ‘How To’s’ they could follow telling them exactly how to do that. No guidebooks detailing the steps needed to take to rebuild a bond that had gone through so much. The awkward bubble between them seemed to only grow more and more, stretched thin and fragile and so vulnerable to the slightest touch.

Until that night when after a few bottles of beers and a feeling of relaxed contentment that only came with a full stomach, Foggy whispered her confession as if asking for contrition.

Her words, though morose, held no acrimonious judgment. But the vestige of pain in them was bare and it had twisted Matt’s insides to hear it. It was such a simple phrase but it held so much and he knew instantly that it had been something she’d been keeping quiet. Out of shame, thinking that it was something she didn’t have a right to feel. Afraid that it might make Matt more distant.

But it was an admittance that Matt had realized he needed to hear. An honest fearless truth that was not spoken to condemn but instead a plea for him to understand where she stood. For him to know she was still bearing pain that she herself found difficult to admit. So afraid that Matt would recoil from her for it. But how could he. How could he punish such fearlessness when he knows how much he had taken from Foggy?

Both of them had made mistakes, but Foggy had been so patient. Matt had already taken and asked so much from Foggy who still tried his best to welcome him back with open arms. But Foggy had never been one to tip toe around Matt about anything. A habit that could be aggravating at times but it was always a cost he had been willing to pay for the intimacy that was brought forward from it.

And this was Foggy begging Matt to have that chance for intimacy again. As if she didn’t deserve to ask for it and it was a failure on Matts part that Foggy would harbour such hesitation.

Even through all his secrets and fear, Foggys openness about where she stood in regards to Matt had always been a beacon for him. A guide to teach him how to be a friend. Lessons he’d been deprived off the second his dad died. Matt had cast out the hope of ever achieving such a relationship. Already given up early on at the thought that he could ever receive the kind of easiness that Foggy offered and it was a miracle for him that she did. A miracle that they had met in Columbia and a miracle that through all Foggys annoying habits, that he’d been open to give her a chance. A choice that he would never have made if Foggy had been anything less than who she was. She in of itself was a miracle to him and Matt was deeply torn that he had made Foggy ever feel otherwise.

 “I had only ever wanted a friend”

Foggys words from the night of their huge fight came back to him and while it might have been said in less than stellar circumstances, he knows even then that it had rung with truth. Foggy had never asked for anything more. How could he have failed to give her something so simple.

After a while Foggy finally turns her face towards Matt. He tastes salt in the air but doesn’t move to address it because he needs to focus right now. To really listen and conscientious, to what Foggy was trying to say. A lack in communication had after all been their downfall. Too much resentment over kept secrets and rancorous unspoken anger.

But there’s none of that hanging in between them now. Instead, Matt heard what wasn’t spoken loud and clear.

 “Don’t leave. Don’t make me go through that again. Stay. Here, with me”

Matt doesn’t think there’s anything he can say that could live up as an answer to that so instead he creeps his hand forward to grasp Foggys in a sincere hope that his own words would ring with the same vulnerable truth that Foggy had offered.

  “I’ll try”

*

Things had gotten better afterward. The honesty Foggy openly shows was an invitation for Matt to do the same. Not a demand and Matt will forever be grateful for that. But even so Matt still walks on eggshells at first. Not knowing what he was allowed to reveal. What was welcomed and what was not. Foggy like always, had put Matt at ease the way she always could.

It starts with an open invite to a home cooked dinner where Foggy made it clear that she wanted to know more about Matt’s abilities.

 “If you want that last brownie you’re gonna have to impress me Murdock and for extra motivation, it’s a corner piece”

 Matt had laughed, “I’m not sure what you’re asking here Nelson. I’m not sure I want to. The last time you gave me a dare I ended up doing the chicken dance in the college cafeteria”

 “Boohoo, you deserved it after that stunt you pulled with the waffle incident. I’ve still got the burn marks to prove it. Now enough excuses and man up Murdock”

The banter might have sounded harsh to a stranger’s ears but it held such a familiarity that Matt rejoiced every second and every word. But despite all that he was still so scared to ruin what they were trying to rebuilt. Scared to run Foggy off with ‘too much’.

Foggy had again, nudged him into it gingerly and with such patience that Matt hadn’t found it in him to deny her.

She asked him to talk about what he could taste in the food she’s cooked. At first Matt was afraid to criticize but Foggy had started doing so herself. Once after a dinner Chicken Paprikash of all things, she asked if Matt sensed the yoghurt that used was close to getting bad. Matt tentatively had noted that it wasn’t rancid but it was definitely way past its prime days. Foggy wasn’t annoyed, instead she breaks the tension and laughing, jabbing about how horrible some parts about Matts senses must be. About the embarrassing things he’s had to endure.

To Matt’s surprise, the topic of his abilities became a favourite thing to talk about whenever they spent time together.

 “Are you saying everytime I found you staring into space in your room it was because you got contact high from your stoner neighbour 5 rooms away from your dorm?”

 Matt had groaned and dropped his forehead onto his folded arms in embarrassment. It was enough of an answer Foggy needed.

 “Oh my God, you turned them in! Matthew Michael Murdock you tattle tale”

 “It wouldn’t be such a problem if they didn’t get stoned every night. It was barely a secret anyway. The corridor reeked from it and personally I think I did a public service”

 “Did you snitch on me bringing snacks into the library too?”

 “No Foggy, that was all the crumbs you didn’t bother cleaning off your dress everytime we passed the librarian. She could probably smell the Cheeto dust on your fingers a mile away”

 “I knew it! You threw away my Cheetos stash didn’t you!”                              

 “They’re like cheese dust bombs! They were more chemicals than actual food. I did you a favour”

 “And here I was thinking Tanya was stealing them from my bag during civics”

 “The girl who sat beside you? Oh, she stole food from you all the time. You left your bag unzipped, it was inevitable”

 “And you never told me?!?!”

 “Most of the things you had in there were junk food. It’s no wonder you were on a sugar high all the time”

 “In my defence, Redbull and Twinkies are a perfectly good way to combat law school stress”

 “Oh god the Twinkies!”

 “Don’t you dare go after Twinkies!”

Just like that the tension brought from the elephant in the room that was Matts powers was broken. Foggy made a game out of Matt trying to guess all the ingredients she’s used on nights that she cooked. Matt had initially protested on the unfairness of it all but eventually stepped up to the challenge cause he’s a competitive bastard and Foggy knows it.

 “How am I supposed to know what kind of nuts you used in the Pad Thai??? I can barely afford anything other than ground nuts”

 “Excuses. You haven’t suggested anything else either”

 “I know you used Italian basil instead of Thai”

 “Whats the difference?”

 “Thai basil has a sharper taste”

 “And more expensive”

 “Authenticity is important. We don’t want to get sued for cultural appropriation and all”

 “Oh look at me, I’m Matt Murdock and I can only eat fancy organic Thai Basil”

 “It doesn’t matter, I won. Now give me my brownie Nelson!”

 “Bite me Murdock!”

Matt won 9 times out of 10. The game was rigged and they both knew it but they usually ended up splitting the last piece of whatever dessert they had for the night anyway so it was never really about winning. Not for either of them anyway. On nights when there were no sugary delicacies waiting for them after their meal, if Matt won, he got to pick what they did after dinner. Watch a show, listen to an audio-book, play games before he had to leave for the night for patrol. Foggy never complained except for an over exaggerated whine or two at Matts predictability.

It’s fun, intimate. They don’t just focus on the fun stuff either. Matt had wanted to get even more intimate. He was tired of carrying all his secrets and for once he was the one who took the leap to trust that foggy wouldn’t run.

So, one night Matt finds himself stumbling into Foggys apartment after patrol. It was closer and he had a concussion. He was surprised when Foggy didn’t freak out like he expected and actually knew how to handle the situation. Like she’d prepared for it. She got some lessons from Claire who owed her for helping Luke. She doesn’t talk about when she started doing it or why. Matt didn’t know if he was ready to hear the answer either.

 “You know, I could always keep my window unlocked. If you ever… ya know, need to come over”

 “I don’t want to wake you”

 “I always sleep late anyway and besides; I’d rather know you have somewhere to go if you need to then........”, Foggy trails off but Matt doesnt need to be a psychic to know where her thoughts had went.

 “I don’t want to make thing’s hard for you", he says back and they both know he didnt just mean waking her up late.

 “Matt, I want to.”, Foggy had said, firmly as she smoothed the Arnica cream over his newest bruise.

Her heart had beaten with a steady thud of truth, truth, truth.

It was comforting to know that Foggy wasn’t soaked in fear and disapproval the way she used to be before, and he did come over sometimes. Once or twice a week to get his ribs bandaged properly when they were bruised or some cuts stitched. Matt can tell Foggy’s nervous and queasy about the stitching but she soldiers on anyway and it reminds him of Maggie telling him how she had done the same for his dad when they were together and the similitude makes a roll of warmth coil around his insides like a soothing balm. It feels right.

He realizes when he gets home as is drifting off to sleep, that it’s not something he’s ever had with Elektra either.

 “Foggy, I need to tell you something”

 “Hmmm?”

 “About midland circle”

 “Matt-”

 “I need you to know, why I stayed. Why I didn’t try to come back.”

 “Matt, you don’t-“

 “Foggy please. I need to do this”

 “Ok Matty. Fire away"

 “It wasn’t about you, or Karen. Maybe that’s hard to believe. I’m not gonna lie and say it wasn’t selfish of me because it was. I hurt you. You gave me the suit and you trusted me and I let you down. But you have to know Foggy, it wasn’t because of you”

 Matt had ducked his head in shame

 “Truth is I wasn’t thinking about anything else at that moment. I’m impulsive, we both know that. You’ve always known that. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that she was alive that I-“

 He gulped.

 “Did I tell you how she died? The first time?”

 “No”

 “It was because of me. She took a knife to the chest for me and she died in my arms and it was my fault Foggy. It was my fault. The worst part is, she’d told me beforehand that she wanted to stay with me. She wanted to try and she died in my arms because of me. I heard her heartbeat stop and it was because of me and I couldn’t… I couldn’t move Foggy."

 He remembers feeling his eyes water, struggling to keep them from flowing into streams down his cheeks. But he couldn’t stop the way his voice choked.

 “And I heard her heart beat that day when I found out she was alive. The way she moved, the familiar scent of her and how warm she was whennever she was close. She was so alive and I was desperate to save her this time. When she refused to leave Midland, I couldn’t leave her behind. I couldn’t leave her alone. I couldn’t let her die because I couldn’t save her for the second time. I couldn’t foggy. Everything was falling apart around us but I held her and she was so alive. I couldn’t let that go. I’m sorry Foggy. I’m sorry I hurt you. But I can’t be sorry for staying with her”

 “Matt I’m not angry”

 He’d perked up at that.

 “I mean I was initially. Went through all 5 stages of grief. Thought a lot about beating you up if I ever saw you again. Blamed myself for letting you go. For not giving you a stronger reason to stay-”

 “Foggy-”

 “I understand why you did it now. But back then all I could think about was how you’d left me. You broke your promise and you left us and I kept having nightmares of how you were probably still alive and had just fucked off to god knows where with her. It took me too long to realize I’d rather you were alive then dead even if you had”

 “You had a right to say no when I asked for help. I stole your wallet. I took advantage of you the second I saw you again. It was a dick move on my part”

 “Oh, trust me, it definitely was and I’m not gonna let you forget that for a very long time. You owe me so many favors. But I got you back Matt. I’d asked for only one thing ever since I lost you and I got you back. How could I turn my back on that? You’re so good Matt. I know you don’t believe it but you are. Even if I was pissed, I knew you were doing things for a good reason. I knew it was because you were helping people and I’m a damned lowlife if I even thought of turning my back on that. I’m not angry at you Matt. You’re my best friend. I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not gonna stomp off again if we get into another huge fight. But I can promise I’ll always try to come back. Maybe it’s not right for me to ask you to trust that. I know enough about your past to know that’s not an easy thing for you to do……...”

 “You’re the one person I trust the most, Foggy”

 “Karen-”

 “- is a good friend. But she hasn’t stuck around and followed me into making stupid decisions for the past ten years of my life. If there’s anything I regret, it’s not trusting you with my secrets. For hurting you with them. If there’s anything I’d redo it would be that”

 “We don’t know if I would’ve been open to accepting that back then. Heck, I don’t even know what I would’ve done if you did tell me. You had good reason to worry”

 “After everything, I should’ve taken the chance. There’s no one I trust more in this a world than you Foggy. Maybe that’s hard to believe considering how many promises I’ve broken. But I’m going to do everything I can to keep this one"

 “…… Thank you, Matt”

It had taken everything in him to admit it, but after all they’d been through. After all Foggy had given him. Foggy had earned the right to it. That part of him. He expects to feel fragile and small afterwards but instead he feels lighted. Just like before, it felt right. This was the path they were destined to be on. The path they both have worked hard for. Foggy had returned his vulnerable revelation by sidling up to him. Intertwining their fingers and leaning to the side to place a soft peck on his temple. Matt couldn’t find it in him to pull away. They stayed that way in silent comfort until they’d both nodded off. Her head fitted to the crook of his neck and Matt’s own resting on hers.

Matt had woken up first the next morning to Foggys head on his lap. A soft and unladylike snore whistling pass her lips and he remembers how it had annoyed him to no end through their first year of law school, on nights when Foggy had fallen asleep from exhaustion on Matt’s bed after a night of unending studying with him in his room. But after a while it had become a familiar comfort, accompanied by the beating thrum in her chest. An unexpected lullaby especially on nights when both of them were overwhelmed. Matt had a single room and Foggys roommate was never around, preferring to stay at her boyfriend’s place most nights. They switched between each other’s room every other night, more and more often but it never felt invasive.

Matt hopes Foggy knows how important her presence had been for him at the time.

He hadn’t attempted to wake her up that morning from her peaceful slumber even as his legs felt numb from the weight. Instead, and he stupidly hadn’t realized why he’d done it at the time, he found himself gliding his knuckles on her cheek, realizing in that moment how long it had been since they’d been this close. How much he had missed it. Touch starved in a way he hadn’t felt in a long while since they met.

This progress, this newly attained intimacy doesn’t stop. There is a relief in being able to talk to his best friend again about every part of him that he had always feared she wouldn’t accept. Not just about the heavy, things either. Even the small, minute, careless details.

To Foggys credit, she bares herself raw the same way he does.

 “How did you get so good at cooking?”

 “I take offence to that. I was always a talented cook”

 “Pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches maybe.”

 “Hardy har. And you can boil an egg, good for you.”

 “Seriously, curry noodles? I didn’t think you even knew where the spice section was”

 “It was… it was actually after Midland. I couldn’t sleep sometimes and I’d stay up watching cooking channels and I gave in and just started actually making them myself. I started small but I got used to handling things after a while. It was actually… therapeutic”

 “Foggy…. I-“

 “Matt stop, seriously. I meant what I said. I’d rather have a life with you and all the adrenaline fueled bullshit, then a quiet life without you. Always. So, don’t worry, ok? We’re good. I promise”, Foggy had ended her little speech by reaching out to tap her fingers in a comforting rhythm on his knuckles and Matt had asked himself for the hundredth time since he got back, what he’d done to deserve such loyalty.

 “Also you’re washing the dishes and paying for lunch tomorrow”

 Matt had let out a burst of laughter, “Haven’t I been paying for lunch anyway?”

 “And you’ll keep paying for lunch until further notice. Besides, you’re getting a free home-cooked dinner almost every other night so I’m not going to hear a peep out of you”

 He’d raised his hands in a mollifying gesture, “No arguments here”

 “And none of that healthy stuff too”

 “Damn"

The catholic part of him that latched on to guilt too close, wasn’t satisfied. Not even close. He’d done too much, made too many mistakes. He didn’t deserve what Foggy and even Karen for that matter, were giving him. A step onto green grass that promised him sanity in exchange for something as simple as him pulling down his walls for them. To not push them away. And if that’s what Foggy asked for then Matt was going to teach himself to give it to her, even as he he itched from old habits to pull back behind said walls.

It takes 6 months for them to go through all the unsaid baggage that had been floating in the water like leftovers from crash created by their past mistakes. But at the end of it all, Foggy poked her head into his office again and told him to hurry up if he wanted her to do any actual cooking.

 “I feel like I’m being sabotaged”,

 “You don’t need me to do that”

 “Well, that’s not very helpful”

 “I mean, I didn’t tell you to try make dinner rolls from scratch, did I?”, Matt had said with a tone of faux pettiness.

 “That was not my fault! I didn’t know cats could smell the yeast all the way from the alley! Ruined a perfectly batch of dough. I spent 20 minutes kneading!”

 “I told you to close the window. Fair is fair, I didn’t know cats liked yeast either, I’ll give you that. So, what’s on the menu tonight?”

 “Well, you made Italian last week and I’ve been exchanging gossip with Mrs Yong for a while now….”

 “Getting tips from your Vietnamese neighbour is cheating”

 “Do you want to eat or not?”

 “I’m guessing Pad Thai?”

 “Couldn’t afford your oh so expensive cashews that you just have to have. Its Pho!! We are having Pho tonight! I spent 6 hours simmering a potful when I was going through the Jenner case last week and now, I’ve got enough frozen pho in my freezer to serve 8! I mean, I did have enough for 8. It’s more like 3 now. Maybe 3 and a half”

 “Is that what you were passing to Karen and Mrs Adli yesterday?”

 “Karen needs to eat more if she keeps spending her nights consorting with Jessica Jones. God knows what diet Jones is on. I gave Karen extra to pass to her so hopefully she’ll see it as incentive to keep giving us tips. We definitely can’t afford her”

 “I’m sure you can charm a few more favours out of her. And Mrs Adli?”

 “Oh yeah, her kids sick were with the flu and from what Mrs Yong told me, Pho has magical healing powers that can beat chicken soup any day”

 “You didn’t eat the rest, did you?”

“Boo hoo, shame on you. Unlike you, I know how to bribe our friends. I gave some to Claire and Brett. He looked like I was trying to poison him”  

 “To be fair you did once”

 “I was 5! He wanted to play Mommies and Daddies and I might have been overzealous about preparing dinner”

 “You know if he finds out you told me he’ll have you thrown in Rykers himself”

 “Which is why if you want any of that Pho yourself, you’ll keep yourself quiet you dick”

The air between them had turned so light and easy. Every morning Matt woke up beaming with joy at the simple thought of being able to just be with her so close throughout his day and every night he was lulled to sleep by the memories left from it.

There were no more walls. No more fear or doubt. Not with her. Not anymore.

  “I went to see Maggie today.”  

“Yeah? How is she? I haven’t met her yet”  

“She’s fine. She wanted to wish me Happy Birthday”  

“That sounds nice”  

 “Yeah……. She gave me her ring. The one my dad gave her. It was one of the few things she had from my dad and she wanted me to have it”

 Foggy had stayed silent for a moment before responding, “That was nice of her”

 “Yeah. It’s nothing fancy. Doesn’t have a diamond or anything. It’s just a smooth gold band. But she said my dad saved up for months to get it. It sounds just like him. She wanted to talk with me a bit longer but I just…. Couldn’t. I think I hurt her feelings when I left”

 “You don’t owe her anything Matt.”

 “It was rude”

 “Matt, hey, I need you to listen ok. I need you to listen to my heart. Are you listening?”

 Matt remembered how his throat had tightened so he had just nodded to the question.

 “I love you Matt. You’re my best friend. I will always love you. But you need to know, hey, listen buddy. You need to know that you never have to earn that from me. Not from me, not from Maggie, not from Stick, not from anybody”

 “I could’ve tried harder”

 “You shouldn’t have had to. You were just a kid”

 “Didn’t stop them from leaving”

 “And it was their fault, not yours. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

 “I’d asked them to make it stop.”

 “What?”

 “It was after Midland. There were two guys, trying to hijack a car. I couldn’t beat them so I asked them to make it stop. To just.. end it.... end me. It was so pathetic Foggy-”

 Mat hadn’t realized she’d moved from her seat until her arms were around him. Her grasp was gentle but Matt got the feeling that hell or heaven couldn’t tear her away no matter how hard they tried.

 She was on her knees beside him where he was sitting on the couch. One hand pulling his body to her chest and the other caressing the side of his head. Nose buried in his hair, whispering softly, “No Matty, no. Never. God, you’re so good Matt. So brave. So strong. It’s ok to not be sometimes. I’m here. I promise. I’m right here”

 For some reason, Matt had let out a startled laugh but he had felt something wet streaming down his face and suddenly he was choking on sobs. His own arms folded around her middle and he lets go. Lets himself sink into her, head buried into her shoulder, not thinking even for a second that it would be enough to cover up how loudly he was crying. But Foggy hadn’t said a word. Once upon a time he might have felt indignant at the idea of being so vulnerable with someone like that. He hadn’t been this open since Elektra and look how that turned out. Elektra herself had been different. He loved her. He still loves her. Loves how comfortable he felt in her presences. Unguarded and free.

 But unguarded and comfortable was different than allowing himself to feel and appear weak. To let someone see the broken and jagged pieces that made him who he was and not be afraid to be judged for it. Elektra never made him feel like home. At least not the kind of home his dad had given him as a kid. Safe. At ease.

 Loved.

  They fell asleep that night like that. Lying on the couch, Foggys arms wrapped around him tights and close. His head tucked in the dip of her clavicles. Curled into her and knowing with absolute certainty that she wouldn’t ever let him go.

Matt woke up the next morning to the smell of pancakes and the annoying tap of Foggys fingers on his cheeks.

 “Wake up sleepyhead. The pancakes are getting cold and I don’t want to hear you whining about it”

 For a second Matt had refused to open his eyes even as the corner of his lips were pulled up.

 “Five more minutes mom”

 “Very funny. Catch me making you breakfast again you ungrateful prick”

 Matt had let out a disgruntled groan but relented to push himself up with an over exaggerated stretch.

 “You owe me groceries for this”, Foggy sing songs, pushing a plate stacked with pancakes, dripping with an unhealthy amount of syrup just the way Matt liked it. It’s one of his most unhealthiest guilty pleasures but fuck him if every bite didn’t have him melt with sinful pleasure.

 “It’s the least you could do with how you had half my ass hanging off the couch last night”, Foggy continues as she digged into her own stack.

 “It’s not my fault your apartment is so warm. I was practically cooking”, Matt had clapped back but was half-hearted and said through a juvenile muffled mouthful of his breakfast.

 “Price of being the little spoon my friend”

 Matt indulged her with an eye roll but he’s much too distracted with his breakfast to keep up the banter. Foggy sneakily pushes the extra plate pancakes forward followed by the bottle of organic syrup that was way too obscenely expensive for her budget but so very worth it to see Matt light up animatedly with a child-like glee at the taste of it on his delicate taste buds.

 They had continued their banter a bit more over a steaming cup of coffee and all the while Matt realizes in that moment that he felt truly and incandescently happy with his life and where he was then compared to how where he was just six months before and a large part of it was because of Foggy.  Karens acceptance of him had been great. But foggy knew him more than anyone. It’s Foggy that despite their decade long friendship, he’d disappointed and hurt and let down over and over and the fact that Foggy was still there, a constant unerring affirmation of his worth. That if there was someone in his life that could love and stick around the way foggy had then life was definitely worth living no matter what it threw at him. Foggy who’d given something no one else had. Not even Elektra.  

Matt truly and utterly realize that Foggy at that moment, after so much time and effort on both their parts, truly knew him better now, more than anyone ever did. And with it Foggy had given him something he hasn’t felt since his dad died

And its not just the happiness. It’s a deep rooted and affection of what they have. Of what they’ve built through it all. . It’s a fondness. Its an appreciation. It’s a love that has driven right down to his core, so deep that its become part of his being. Its… wait… oh…. OH….. oh shit.

[mmvalentine]

Home is Where You Are pt 10 | Feysand

Girl next door AU. One last smut piece before we leave this fic. Also this is my 50th post and that makes me happy. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

They stayed in the city apartment for another year, then moved into the old house. They had spent so many weekends there anyway, that it seemed a natural progression. Feyre liked the big pools of light in the living room to paint, and Rhys declared there was nothing he was attached to, nothing that was home if Feyre wasn't there. He worked from home easily and only had to go to the city for big events, and that suited him just fine. Feyre left her job and was invited to another studio by someone who had been following her on social media, and messaged as soon as Feyre announced the move.

They packed up their little life into Rhys' car; there was not much since they had been gradually moving things over on their breaks. Then they drove the six hours to their house, and before Feyre could climb the first step Rhys was scooping her up into his arms so he could carry her across the threshold.

"What are you doing you dork?" Feyre giggled. "I'm giving you the official welcome to your new home," Rhys said. "We're not married, and we've been half-living here for months now," Feyre pointed out. "Yes, well, we didn't technically live here. Maybe just a welcome home, then." Feyre folded her arms around his neck and kissed him like frosting on a cupcake.

"We could, you know," Rhys said, still holding her in his arms. "Get married. If you want." Feyre tipped her head to one side. "Rhysand are you proposing to me?" she asked with a smile. Rhys shrugged. "You've always had me, Feyre. Since we were thirteen years old. I've never been one for tradition, and I didn't know if you'd want a proposal after Tamlin. But I hope you'll be mine for my whole life." "Forever," Feyre promised, and kissed him again.

Rhys walked them into the landing, then stood at the foot of the stairs.

"Ladies choice," he said. "Bedroom, or counter top?" Feyre shivered in his arms in anticipation, and licked her lips. "One, then the other." Rhys' eyes sparked. "Yes ma'am," he said, and carried her to the kitchen. "Although I might reverse the order, if it's all the same to you."

He set her down on the bench top, gently at first, rearranging her legs so she sat facing him. Then his eyes went black, and he grabbed a hold of her behind the knees and yanked her forward, a hand gliding to the back of her neck and the other coasting down the outside of her thigh. Even sitting on the tall counter, Feyre's head only came up to Rhys' nose. His sudden change of mood had sparks rolling down Feyre's spine.

"Seriously," he said, in a voice like midnight. "All I think about all day is you on kitchen table tops, and I never get any work done." He pulled off her shirt, and dropped it onto the floor. "You're a terrible influence on my work habits." The bra was dropped, too. Feyre slid her hands up in the inside of Rhys' black t-shirt. "Don't blame me for your lack of productivity," she said. "You're the one who keeps putting me up on these." "True," Rhys said against her lips. "But you look so good sitting up here."

Rhys' hands smoothed over her legs and hitched them around his waist. He kissed her mouth, and leaned into her so she was tipped backward, and holding onto his neck to keep herself upright. He gripped her hips so that they wouldn't lose contact with his.

"Now," he murmured. "This island bench top is much bigger than the one at the apartment." He put his palm flat against Feyre's chest, and pushed her gently downward so she had her back flat on the table and her feet dangling off the edge.

"I think I'll have you like this. And," he paused and smoothed her arms above her head. "Like this," he said. He leaned down and pressed a luscious kiss into Feyre's belly. Her hands came down to stroke his hair, but Rhys stood up quickly.

"Mmm naughty," he purred. "Hands up." He pushed her arms back above her head, and held her wrists down. "Keep them there. If you don't, I'll have to tie you up so you can't move them."

He kissed his way down Feyre's arm, and across her collar bone. Made eye contact as he moved his hands, making sure she didn't bring her arms down. Then, satisfied she wasn't moving, he cupped both breasts in his hands and put his teeth on her nipple.

Feyre's back arched up but she kept her arms above her head as instructed. Rhys' lips made their way across to the other breast, then over her ribcage. Feyre curled her fingers around the opposite lip of the island. Rhys squeezed her breasts in his hand as his tongue travelled further south. As he bit into the waistband of her pants and used his teeth to tug them down a little. As he licked that line of her hips, teasing high above where she really needed him.

In one smooth motion, Rhys had her pants off, but instead of going to the centre of her, his mouth moved to the inside of her thigh. Feyre moaned in protest, but Rhys took his time. Teeth and tongue on the softest part of her leg. Up higher. And higher. Finally he reached the edge of her underwear- but then he just moved across to the other side and bit into her right thigh. Feyre tried to pull him in with her feet, tried to get him closer, but he was unmoved. Ran his tongue across the leg edge of her underwear, and did would not speed up.

Rhys loved Feyre like this. Spread over the counter, needing him so badly her eyes were rolling back and her teeth were clamped down over her lower lip. Her hands stuck on the table above her, because he said so. The sight of her had him so fucking hard. He peeled her underwear off, but kept his attention at the join of her leg and her hip.

"Please," Feyre panted, starting to buck off the table. "Rhys, please."

Rhys hovered his lips over her clit, so she would feel his breath when he spoke.

"I love my name in your mouth," he said, and then sucked against her with a swirl of his tongue. The sound that tore from Feyre made his knees buckle for a second. He ran his thumbs over her nipples, and licked broadly over her until her knees were trembling next to his ears, and he knew she was close. Then just before she started to come, he stood, unzipped his jeans and pushed into her.

Feyre, whose moans became close to sobs, gripped the far edge of the bench so hard her knuckles were white. She moved her hips to meet his, as Rhys' hand ghosted down her sternum.

"Are you right on the edge, my darling?" Rhys asked. "Are you wishing you could rub your clit right now?"

Feyre's teeth clicked together, but she couldn't seem to form words.

"It's a shame you can't move your hands," Rhys mused. He picked up the pace a little. "Maybe you need someone to help you."

Feyre nodded, tears gathering at the corners of her eyes now.

"Is that what you want?" Rhys asked her. "I don't know if you don't tell me." He sped up more, fucking her hard into the counter top.

"Y...yes," Feyre stuttered. "P..p..." "What's that my love?" "Please," Feyre got out. Rhys licked his thumb, then held it over her clit as her hips rocked back and forth. Feyre's moans choked off, moved beyond sound. A beautiful flush spread out over her chest.

"Don't come yet," Rhys told her. "Wait for me. Come with me." Feyre bit down savagely on her lip, and just nodded her head. "Listen, honey," he said. "Listen to me breathing and come with me."

Rhys kept the pressure under his thumb, and put his other hand down on the table by Feyre's shoulder. His rhythm built, and his steady breathing built with it. Soon his moans matched paced with Feyre's, and he locked his eyes on hers and watched her run up to the edge with him...

And tumble right over at the same time.

Rhys came hard inside her, the feeling of Feyre's own climax around him intensifying everything a hundred times over. He kept moving inside her until her orgasm faded away, and then put his head down on her breastbone and listened to her heart beat gradually slowing down.

Feyre's hands finally came down, and she threaded her fingers through his hair. He nuzzled into her stomach and pushed into her touch.

Finally, he pulled out of her and used a tea towel to clean her up. Then he helped her up to sitting, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing softly up the side of her neck. She hugged her legs around him, and ran her nails across his shoulders.

"Welcome home, lover," he whispered. "Welcome home yourself," Feyre said back to him.

Rhys lifted her off the counter, her legs locking around him, as he kissed her mouth and licked her tongue. Then he turned, and started climbing the stairs to the bedroom, where they would start all over again.

****

*sighhhh* that's the end, lovers. I really enjoyed this little fic, my enormous thanks to everyone who came along for the ride and let me write this. I hope it made you feel as gooey as I did.

TAGLIST: Some of you are only tagged for this specific fic, so goodbye lovelies and thanks for being here! If you'd like to be tagged in any of my other feysand flick me a message.

@ghostlyrose2 @highladysith @stardelia @feysand-babies @tillyrubes10 @ratabrasileira @live-the-fangirl-life @maybekindasortaace @annejulianneh111 @asteria-of-mars@booksmusicandgoodvibes @burritowithfeels

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

The Little Things in Life - 5

Warnings: cheating, non-consent sex (series); not the sex you’re expecting but it’s the sex you get.

This is dark!Steve and explicit. 18+ only.

Series Summary: Your suburban life begins to show cracks and your next door neighbour, Steve Rogers, seems intent on shattering what’s left.

Note: I finished part 7 yesterday but I’m legit just coasting at this point which means that I’m not rushing anything. I’m doing what I feel like in order to manage my anxiety so one day at a time. :D I do appreciate you all reading. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Based on this drabble

You didn’t sleep well at all. You woke early and pulled on your torn jeans and the old tank with the bulldog on the front. You looked in on Kayla before you went downstairs and carefully crept to the back door. You went to the shed and got your tools. 

Your small garden in the back was marked off with chicken wire and stakes. You climbed over the low barrier and checked in on the early sprouts. Carrots, cucumbers, and tomatoes to start. It would be a while as the tomato vines had only began to wind up the cages.

You heard the gate. You stood up and neared the fence. Your heart sank as you saw Steve round the corner of your house. He wore only a pair of track pants and his sneakers. You glanced up at your bedroom window; confused.

“Hot out, today,” He said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was on my morning run.” He neared and you backed away from the wire. “I didn’t see you out front.”

“Oh gee, it seems like maybe I’m avoiding you.” You hissed.

“Logan tell you about Thursday?” He asked. You nodded. “Should I grab some wine? Or tequila?”

“I don’t think I’ll be drinking for a while.” You muttered. “Please, go.”

He put his hands on his hips. You didn’t miss the way he pushed his chest out or the way the muscles of his arms bulged. You tore your eyes away guiltily. He chuckled.

“I’m married,” You whispered and slowly glanced at him. “And I’m not interested.”

“You could’ve fooled me, honey,” He leaned on the top of the low fence. “You were shaking like a virgin.”

“Stop.” You sneered. “Go.”

He smirked and stood straight. He stretched his hands and traced a line of sweat along his torso with his finger.

“I’ll see you on Thursday.” He said. “Can’t wait.”

He left you with as little fanfare as he’d arrived. Your shovel slipped from your hand and speared the dirt. You spun and grabbed your head as if it would burst. You squatted down to collect your things. He wasn’t going to stop.

🏠

The days flew by. You hated how time could seem to drag one moment, only to speed up when you wanted it to stand still. You were trying desperately to distract yourself from the two men tearing you apart. 

You spent hours in your office working as your mother volunteered to watch Kayla. You could hear them in the front room, giggling. You were thankful for the help though you regretted that your mom was spending her vacation time with your kid.

Logan’s nights were as late as ever. Your conversations tense. Every time you looked at him you saw Karina; the reflection of him as he posed in the mirror. He fucked you again on Tuesday. It was as unenjoyable as Sunday though you were surprised by his sudden burst of libido. Until you found out that Karina was out of town.

You were distracted from your blinking cursor as your thoughts drifted to your brewing resent. You rubbed your eyes and leaned back in your chair. It was harder and harder to focus.

A knock had you spinning around in the chair. You listened as your mother answered it and her voice came muffled through the door. You stood and went to peek down the hall. You cursed silently as you spied your visitor on the doorstep. Your mother turned back and smiled as she saw you.

“You’ve got a guest,” She chimed.

You sighed and emerged from behind the door. You tramped down the carpet and your mother gave a smile to Steve before she flitted back into the front room. Her voice spiked as she greeted Kayla and your daughter giggled in response. You leaned on the door with a frown.

“I’m working,” You said. “And my mother is here.”

“She’s nice,” He replied. “Like you.”

“My daughter is in the next room,” You lowered your voice. “I told you to stay away.”

“You know that’s not gonna happen,” He licked his lips. “I know that you’re looking forward to tomorrow as much as me.”

“You need to go.” You sneered.

“I just wanted to return these,” He held up your gardening glove. The spare pair with the teddy bears on them that you kept buried at the bottom of your basket of tools. “You forgot them last week.”

“What?” You reached out to take them and he caught your hand. He stepped closer and pushed your palm against his crotch. “Steve!”

He cupped his hand around yours and you felt a twitch. You tried to recoil but he had a firm hold on you.

“You should wear something nice tomorrow.” He purred. “Maybe a dress.”

“Let me go,” You demanded as you struggled with him. “What are you--”

He relented and shoved your gloves into your hand. He clung to you and leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I think of you… at night,” His lips brushed your temple. “It’s so exciting. I can’t stop thinking what it’d be like if you were really there. With me. Beneath me.”

Your lip trembled as he finally released you. You drew back and grabbed the door. He stopped it before you could slam it.

“Now, now,” He said with a smirk. “Your daughter’s in the next room.” He pulled his hand away slowly. “You don’t wanna scare her.”

You stared at him and shook your head. Stunned.

“Bye… Steve,” You uttered and closed the door gently. 

You could see him through the frosted glass. You turned the lock and but he didn’t retreat. His palm came clear through the window as he touched it and you backed away. You looked down at your gloves and heard his fingers slide down the glass.

You went to the living room and looked in on your mother and Kayla. They were nestled on the sofa as they watched cartoon superheroes. You smiled but it quickly died as you forced yourself away from the doorway. You continued onto your office and glanced back at the door. The glass was pale; Steve was gone.

You carried on to the back door and eased the screen door open. You crept quietly down the steps and neared the shed. You stopped dead as you saw the latch. The lock was broken and the metal loop was on the ground. 

You neared cautiously and pulled the door open. Your gardening basket was overturned. He wanted you to know he’d been there. It was a message; he would find a way to get to you.

🏠

Thursday came and your mother picked up Kayla at five. Logan was home early to your surprise and seemed eager to finish the beer he’d left at the Rogers’. You were in dread as you looked in the mirror and turned in your loose dress. 

You were certain that even with a belt cinched at the waist, it betrayed little of your figure. The neckline was high-cut and the skirt reached your knees. You wore flats and a thin cardigan over it. You were assured that you were matronly enough to deter your covetous neighbour.

You were so distracted, that your anger with Logan was only a nagging jab in the ribs compared to the tightness in your chest. The anxiety that had you clutching the thin handles of the tall gift bag. You’d gone out and bought the same brand of wine Steve had given you. A gift for Sharon. Out of courtesy, or maybe, it was guilt.

You crossed the street with your husband. You avoided looking at him. You found it harder every day. Sooner or later, you knew you’d snap. You’d have to say something. You couldn’t live like this forever.

Sharon answered the door. She wore a red jumpsuit that enhanced her figure. The last of her baby weight was barely noticeable. She was stunning. You handed her the wrapped bottle of wine and she thanked you as she peeked in the bag.

“Steve’s in the den,” She said to Logan. “But dinner’s on it’s way.”

Your husband thanked her and dipped into the next room. She beckoned you into the kitchen and gave you a stack of plates.

“We should set the table.” She said. “I might be too lazy to cook but I can pretend I did.”

She grabbed the silverware and followed you into the dining room. Like the rest of her house, it was immaculately decorated. You recalled the designer she had brought in last year to do the nursery. You wondered how her and Steve could live in such a boring cul-de-sac. They should be secluded away in some exuberant mansion.

“Then, you can help me make the margaritas,” She trilled and drew you from your envy. “Oh, take that thing off.”

She dumped the utensils on the table as you set down the plates. 

“How old is this dress?” She asked as she pushed your cardigan down your shoulders. “Have you lost weight?”

“I… don’t know.” 

You wriggled free of your sleeves and let her sling your cardigan on the bag of one of the chairs. You began to place the plates carefully around the table. She turned to a small table and opened the slender drawer. She pulled out some folded cloth napkins and began to roll up the silver in the black cotton.

“I was on this mission once. When I was younger.” She said as you neared to help her. “I was undercover as a waitress for two months. By the end of it, I wondered if it would be easier to just stay. It was a nice restaurant and the tips…”

“I did some bar tending in university,” You offered. “I got demoted to cleaning dishes after I broke a bottle of Grey Goose.”

She laughed and watched you place the cutlery alongside the plates. When you finished, she led you back into the kitchen and set up her big blender. She dumped in ice, Cointreau, and a healthy dose of tequila. You recognized the half-finished mickey from the party. She revealed another from under the counter and added to her brew.

“Um, I don’t know if you need all tha--” 

She held down the button and the motor drowned out your voice. She nodded to the cupboard and you turned and opened it. You pulled out for stemmed glasses and placed them on the counter. She turned off the blender and lined the rims with salt before she poured the icy mixture.

The doorbell rang and she shoved the glasses towards you.

“That should be the food,” She announced. “Take those to the table and get the guys, will you?”

You watched her go, her strides long as she floated on her gold heels. You took the glasses out two at a time and then dipped your head into the den. Steve and Logan chattered as sports highlights flashed on the large television.

“Dinner,” You said quietly.

Steve looked up first and nodded. He stood and Logan mirrored him. Steve waved him along first and your husband surprised you as he neared and placed a peck on your lips. You turned as he wrapped his arm around you and guided you across the hall. His hand rested on your hip but you nearly jumped as you felt a pinch on your ass. That wasn’t Logan.

You ignored it and swept away from Logan as you entered the dining room and sat at the chair where your cardigan hung. Your husband sat beside you and Steve made sure to take the seat across from you. You avoided his eyes as you let Logan hold your hand on the arm of the chair.

Sharon entered with a bowl of roasted potatoes. Next she entered with a rotisserie chicken and finally a spiced veggie medley. You couldn’t believe she had paid for the delivery. You knew the restaurant well and it was expensive on its own and the delivery fee was little better. You’d only been there once and Logan had bawked at the bill.

Sharon served each of you and then took her own seat. She reached for her cup and raised it.

“There’s more in the kitchen,” She promised. “I’ve pumped enough for another hangover.”

You gave a sheepish smile and sipped. Steve took a large gulp as his eyes caught yours and you quickly averted your gaze. You focused on your plate and barely tasted the savoury food. You flinched as you felt something against your foot. 

Your flat was so thin you could clearly feel the leather toe of Steve’s shoe against yours. You nearly choked and hid it with the glass. You shot him a dark look and he smirked. He was brazen though the other two seemed entirely oblivious. You pulled your feet back and tangled them under your chair.

“So, Sharon,” You cleared your throat. “I heard you were thinking of going back to work early.”

“Oh, yes, actually, I was just discussing my return and, well,” She smiled and looked to her husband. “I hadn’t had the chance to tell Steve but… they’ve offered me part-time hours until I’m back in full form and then I can get back in the field.”

“Mmm,” Logan swallowed and turned to Steve. “What about you? I thought you were hanging it up.”

“I am,” Steve assured him. “It’s not for me. I’m just fine staying home with Sarah… admittedly, I didn’t think Sharon would be going back so soon.”

There was a silence and you glanced over at Logan. He shifted in his chair, realising he may have stoked a spark to a flame.

“Steve,” Sharon said softly.

“It’s fine,” He pushed a potato around with his fork. “Really. Only part-time.”

“I… haven’t said yes, yet,” She lowered her voice.

“No, no, if that’s what you want,” He shrugged. “We talked about it before. You know that whatever you want, I want. I just didn’t expect it to happen… now.”

“I didn’t either but--”

“Let’s talk about it later,” He interrupted. “We have company.”

Sharon laughed nervously and glanced across the table. Your lips wavered as you tried to hold your smile and you took a bite of chicken just to keep yourself busy. You looked down at your plate again then back up. Steve was watching you again. He raised a brow and tilted his head just a little; as if to say, see?

[kz-i-co]

Within This Room: Part II

» Summary: In fear of ruining an engagement might sending you packing sooner then you thought.

» Pairing: Taeyong x Reader

» Genre: smut x angst

» Words: 3.3k

» Part 1  ╫ Part 3

» m.list ╫ nct 127 masterlist

-

"Hi." You froze. "I'm (Y/N)."

"Nice to meet you." She smiled warmly. "How do you know Taeyong."

"Oh we're old friends."

"Of course, you went to this school. Such a shame what's happening."

You just nodded awkwardly as Taeyong was distracting himself from something in the distance. He was uncomfortable as much as you.

"I better help my mom, but it was nice to meet you." You said and quickly took off.

"I can't do this. I should of never come." You panicked as you made it over to your sister.

"Whats wrong?" She asked.

"His fiancé is here."

Your sister followed your eyes. "Oh shit, he's engaged?" She laughed but didn't realize how it was effecting you. "What's wrong it's been 6 years since you both were together."

"I know it's crazy but I think I still have feeling for him and I probably fucked up everything last night."

"Wait-"

"Girls come help me with these." Your mother was calling you over.

"What happened?" Your sister was trying to get it out of you while heading over to your mother.

"I can't tell you here. Later."

"These are being sent to the board, so put these in his box." Your mother handed you some plaques of different achievements.

....

"Ooo, your year book." Taeyong and his fiancé were helping out in the library and she happened to find the 2014 class yearbook. "Can't wait to see how handsome my man was."

Taeyong just turned his back going through another shelf not fazed. He couldn't stop thinking about you and last night. He couldn't help himself from smiling at how beautiful you have become.

"You were prom King? You didn't tell me you were popular. I mean I could of guessed but..." She laughed to herself. She flipped through more pages seeing you and Taeyong together more and more. "Wait a minute? That girl from earlier is your ex?"

"Taeyong?" She raised her voice getting his attention.

"What?" She held up the book stating the obvious.

"What's your point? I don't ask you about your ex's." He shrugged.

"Looks like you guys are still close?" She said getting annoyed.

"We've only seen each other for the first time yesterday in 6 years." He said then turned back towards his books.

She didn't pressure him any further since the atmosphere was tense.

....

"Come on, lets take a break. There's plenty of food from last night." Your mother said. "So have you caught up with Taeyong last night?"

"Yeah." You smiled sarcastically not really wanting to talk about it.

"I can't believe he's engaged. I was hoping the sparks were still there-"

"Mom.....please let's stay out of their business. Okay." Your sister looked at you with concern.

"She's not even that pretty." Your sister whispered as she bumped you with her elbow.

"Not nice." The fact was that she was EXTREMELY pretty. She was clean and priss and she seemed to have her life together.

....

You were taking your old prize winners (paintings) to your car, clearly struggling to the car as your mother and sister were way ahead of you.

You took a deep breath as you stopped for a second to take a breather.

"Let me help you." He took the canvas off your hands and you finally could see in front of you at the handsome face that still caused butterflies.

"Thank you. I don't even know why I'm taking this old junk." There was a huge dumpster to clean out the school and you were just tempted to toss the old embarrassment but your mother insisted on keeping them as a reminder of how far you've come.

"It's not junk (Y/N)." He chuckled and looked behind him losing his smile. "Actually I was wondering if we could talk about last night? How long are you staying?" He said more quietly.

"Well a few days the most. But I can't stay away from work for that long."

"You want to go out for dinner tonight. Jaehyun and Mark are here for the weekend."

"Hanging out with your bro's like old times? Huh?" You teased.

"Also Johnny and Ren will be there as well since they are engaged-"

"Johnny is her new fiancé? They hated each other."

"I guess they just had sexual attraction for each other."

"I see." You giggled.

"May I keep this?" He was referring to your old painting.

"It's all yours." You laughed at his ridiculous question.

"See you later." He walked away leaving to travel back alone.

....

"How do I look?" Your sister said as you finally finished your sketch.

"Beautiful." You turned your book around.

"Wow. I look so cute." She smiled. "May I keep it?"

"Sure." You rolled your eyes as you tore out the page out of your sketch book.

"Have you ever thought about selling your art work on eBay? I saw it on tik tok."

"You and that app are driving me crazy." You giggled.

"I get bidders at the gallery, they're just all cheapskates in the city." You continued.

"Your art deserves more credit. You should be making MILLIONS." Your sister was over dramatic like usual.

"Unfortunately that doesn't happen to an artist until their dead." Your sister pouted at your dark response.

"You're no fun. But anyway are you and Taeyong hanging out tonight? Did I hear dinner?"

"It's a friendly get together and it's not just me, it's with some old friends."

"Okay." She smirked. "Just be careful."

You sat there to think. Not just what your sister said but over everything. Last night was a mistake and you had to straighten it out. If Taeyong was happy with his fiancé, you couldn't ruin it for your own selfishness.

...

You decided on a simple black dress with a denim jacket and doc martens and you waited outside for your Uber driver and before you know it you were standing outside the restaurant, too scared to even go in.

"(Y/N)! Oh my god!" You heard screaming and all of a sudden you were being crushed by two pairs of arms. Once you got to turn around and make contact, you were faced with a pink hair Ren.

You hugged her back tightly as you both screamed causing Johnny to plug his ears. "How are you?"

"I'm great, how are you?" You responded. "Your hair is pink."

"My hair is pink. I didn't think you could get more gorgeous, you suck Miss Prom Queen." She laughed.

"You're gorgeous. And you're engaged I hear....to him?" You looked at Johnny with a teasing look.

"I know, it's insane." She laughed.

"So where were you last night?" You asked.

"I don't care about some dumb school reunion. I had better things to do." She continued. "Come on let's get inside. It's freezing."

You followed her and Johnny inside ready to begin your night. You took a deep breath as you saw Taeyong looking beautiful as ever. You can do this. You can be just friends right?

There was a few more of his friends already at the table as well once the host assisted you.

"(Y/N)! How's it going I haven't seen you in forever." Mark was the first to get up and hug you.

"Where were you guys last night? I missed you." You said still embraced in his arms and eventually made your way around to Jaehyun and Doyoung.

"I couldn't make it and these guys had their own reunion." Mark said taking his seat.

"We already got a lecture from Dayoung." Ren said as you sat down between her and Taeyong.

"Speaking of Dayoung, where is she?" You asked.

"She was gonna come but she's having a lot of back pain so she rather stay home."

"When is her baby due?" You continued to ask since you lacked information from your old friends.

"December 7."

"That's just a little over a month." You couldn't believe she was that pregnant.

"I know." She laughed. "But she might be sooner then that, her baby is already 8lbs."

"Can I get you something to drink." The waitress was finally here cutting off your conversation.

"Soju?" Johnny asked and everyone agreed. You on the other hand rather stick with a simple water but your friends insisted and you didn't want to seem lame now you were older.

....

"You idiot, you were the reason we got caught skipping 4th period." Ren and Mark were arguing non stop and the alcohol on top was causing more of a scene but the rest of you were laughing, enjoying the show.

"Was not. You were the one that went to the wrong car."

"You said it was your car."

"No I said it looked like my car."

"Will you two just shut up." Doyoung took another sip.

"Shall we get going soon? I rather talk to you alone." Taeyong spoke quietly next to you, only you can hear.

You nodded. "Alright guys, we're going to head out." Taeyong pulled out his wallet and tossed cash on the table.

"Where are you two going?" Ren pouted.

"I promised (Y/N) I'd drive her home and I don't want to be out later then Jiyoon gets out of work." He made a concerned expression.

"You two still fighting?" Mark asked as you and Taeyong got up.

"It's every little thing with her, but she's been better." He nodded.

"Alright man, take care.....you to (Y/N) it was nice seeing you." You both said your goodbyes.

"Promised me a ride?" You teased your tone being flirtier then you wanted.

"Well, I needed to talk to you about last night. Alone." He began as he guided you to his car.

You bit your lip awkwardly, wanting to avoid the whole thing. You wanted to just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

You got in the car waiting for him to begin but he was just as uncomfortable as you. "Are you alright to drive?"

"I only had one shot. I feel fine." He looked at you leaning your head on the seat. "What about you?"

"I'm not driving." You looked at him confused.

"No I mean, how are you?" He laughed. "You good." He waved his hand in front of your face.

You laughed smacking his hand away playfully. "I only had two shots."

You both laughed until the car filled with silence as he finally took off.

"Do you ever miss being back here?" He asked.

"A little. But I love where I live."

"So you have no thoughts on moving back?" You were surprised from his sudden question.

"No. I mean I love my family but I live in my dream home now.....well....a nicer apartment would be nice." You giggled not realizing the car stopped outside of your house.

"Do I have to wait another six years to see you?" He asked turning the mood down again. "I want us to stay friends (Y/N)."

"We can. We can FaceTime and-"

"So until you're back for the holidays?"

"I really can't afford to visit, that's why I don't.....If I sell a piece, I get $1000 the most and that only goes to my bills and food-"

"I get it (Y/N). It's okay. I just miss you that's all." You both made eye contact and you could feel the pain he was holding.

"We left things off, really shitty." You started. "Especially me."

"You were hurt, I get it." He shrugged.

"I just want to apologize......And also apologize for last night. It was wrong and I'm sorry for everything." You continued. "Just seeing that room........you, I missed my old life."

"I just.....I don't want to leave thinking I caused so much chaos. It's probably just best if we pretend it didn't happen. You're fiancé seems to be really nice and I just want you guys to be happy."

"You're right." He said causing your lip to tremble. You knew he was thinking the same thing, you didn't know why it was so unexpected.

"R-right, exactly."

"It was wrong." You nodded. "But that doesn't mean I want to pretend it didn't happen."

"Taeyong I want you to understand my intentions.....I don't want to-"

You were cut off with his lips attached to yours. Your heart was beating faster then it ever was before. What was he doing? You were hesitant to responde but there was comfort with his lips. A feeling only he could cause. He gently caressed his hand around your neck bringing you closer as the kiss deepened.

The kiss grew more desperate quickly as he pulled you to straddle his lap. He had his hands under your dress caressing your thighs. You couldn't help but rock against him causing more friction between the both of you. He moaned against your lips from by the way you effected him. You had to pull away to catch your breath but quickly leaned down farther to kiss down his jaw.

He pushed your jacket down and letting it fall behind you, hitting the wheel as you were taking your time with his buttons letting more of his chest to be exposed.

He brought his lips back towards yours before he was working on the top of your dress letting it fall off your chest exposing your strapless bra. He was quick to kiss down your chest letting your bra fall more uncomfortably. You could feel him full erected underneath you as you were still rocking against him.

His breathing became heavier that he stopped what he was doing to lean his head against the back of the seat for a second. He looked you in the eyes before they drifted down focusing on your undies. You lifted yourself to help take them off as you began to unbuckle his pants. You gently took him in your hand and slowly jerked him only enough to lubricate. You leaned forward guiding him in and relaxed as you could adjust.

His muffled sounds were so beautiful as you began your movements. The pleasure was unreal. You only wish it was only a dream, to save you from trouble. You knew it was wrong but why couldn't you stop?

You leaned down kissing him passionately as you quickened your pace. Once you lifted for air, you grabbed his hands leading them to your chest. You tilted your head back enjoying the pleasure.

As you felt like you were lost in your own world, he grabbed your hips helping you keep the rhythm. You moved your hand to the front of your folds to guide your climax closer to the edge. Just as you were about to release, he beat you to it causing the room to spin. You felt numbness scattered throughout your body.

You collapse on top of his body as you both could catch your breath. You felt happy at the moment, like you didn't want to move but the guilt came rushing back causing you quickly run away. You got yourself redressed as Taeyong looked at you with concern.

"This was a mistake." You felt your eyes water. Taeyong was quick to dress as well from you being so upset. "I shouldn't have come back here."

"I'm sorry Taeyong but we can't see each other anymore, not even as friends." You were panicked.

"(Y/N) this is my dumb mistake too."

"Unless you're ending it with your fiancé, I can't be in the picture no more." You looked at him for a response but he looked down staying silent.

"Okay then. Goodbye."

He grabbed your hand before you could leave the car. "You're just upset. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

"No because as long as we're alone together I can't help my feelings around you and that's not fair for your fiancé."

"I can't anymore." You finally left his car and quickly made your way inside. Why were you so weak?

-

You've done it again. You had to leave as soon as possible, the guilt was killing you.

"You leaving?" Your sister asked as she saw you packing your bag.

"Yeah, Haejin called me and said I'm needed back at work." You lied.

"Oh." She pouted.

"Aren't you leaving? You have school tomorrow."

"I'm leaving tonight." She was lucky she had a car.

"A few more years and you can live with me." You winked.

"Sure." She smiled.

"There's one more thing I want to do before I go, can I borrow the car?" She nodded and you quickly left so you can go back home.

You stopped at a cute little townhouse village and followed the number Mark gave you. You just hoped it wasn't some random address giving you more chances not to trust him. You knocked on the door and waited until someone finally answered it, causing your stomach to drop.

"Oh hi (Y/N)." Jiyoon smiled at you but it didn't feel very genuine.

"Hi. I'm leaving I just wanted to say goodbye to Taeyong." You said sweetly.

"Taeyong is at work unfortunately." She shrugged.

"Oh. Just let him know I said goodbye and oh yeah....congratulations for you two."

"Thank you. We still don't know our date but it's probably the beginning of next year the latest."

"Can I be honest with you (Y/N)?" You looked at her confused. "I know you and Taeyong were very serious and I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable with you two still being close."

"I'm sorry you feel that way." You looked at her with concern to hide the fact you really wanted to pull her hair out.

"I have bad experiences with ex's too and I have to compromise for Tae so I'm sorry if I make him do the same thing."

"You have nothing to worry about. I live in Seoul."

"Oh that's great." She smiled at you once again and it seemed more fake then before. "I hope you don't get offended if I don't invite you to our wedding."

"I'm sorry but is Taeyong okay with that?" You finally showed your real expressions.

"He'll understand."

"Taeyong and I split up 6 years ago."

"Like I said compromise."

"Maybe I should talk to Taeyong about this?"

"I'll doubt he'll talk to you."

"Why's that?" You crossed your arms.

"I don't know. He just seemed pissed off at you after he came home last night. He even tossed your painting in our garbage. Did you want it back?" Fake fake fake.

"I'm sorry to hear that, I'm not sure why.....Have a great day....." You walked back to the car. "Bitch."

You didn't know what to believe. He could be upset the way you left last night but on the other hand he seemed more upset then angry. Was she lying? The best thing was to just get back home and that's what you did.

The train seemed longer then on your way there, probably from your lack of sleep that eat up the time last time. You couldn't get Taeyong out of your head. Even if she was lying, it was still clean you weren't invited to the wedding. How messed up is that?

The worst part of it all was you never got the chance to ask for Taeyong's cell number. You couldn't imagine him having the same phone from 6 years ago.

You got off the train, being greeted by Haejin. "I never missed you so much in my life."

"So how was everything?"

"Terrible." She looked at you concerned as you got in her car. "I did something really bad."

"I saw my high school sweetheart again."

"Okay?" Haejin listened.

"And we kind of slept together.....twice."

"What's wrong with that?" Haejin winked.

"He's engaged.....and the worst part is I still have feelings for him."

-

to be continued....

[snxwboarder]

//Hey friends. I’m back.

I’ve got an update on the situation I talked about a few days ago. Honestly writing the post I wrote last time really helped me, so I want to do it again. Just to put my thoughts down and allow myself to process.

If you’re going to read (which you’re welcome to!) please make sure you’ve read the trigger warnings in the tags.

But, just a tldr for anyone possibly concerned about my safety: I’m at my parents place now with all 5 of my ferrets and most of my stuff. I feel safe and loved and free. Still scared. Still sad. Still hurt. But very hopeful of the future.

Here I go

Like I said in my last post, I didn’t think I was in an abusive relationship. I was struggling to see it. Even when my friends pointed out the gaslighting and the manipulation, I always had a reason for why he acted the way he did. An explanation for his actions forever engraved into my system because I have always been the one to be there to save him. To excuse him. To forgive him.

It changed last night.

Abusive relationship.

Not something I thought I was in.

Until, for the first time since my dad pushed me out of the room so he could hit my mom when I was 11 years old, my partner became physical.

My boyfriend, of 7 years, who I reassured my friends, not even half an hour earlier, would never lay a hand on me.

Got physical.

I worked a full day yesterday, left the house before he got up. I fed the ferrets before I left, giving my senior ferret her twice daily lifetime medication 2 hours earlier than I normally do because I worked the morning shift - and I knew he wouldn’t wake up to do it.

We still hadn’t talked. Not much. How many days does that make it that he hasn’t spoken to me... 5? I lost count.

Our conversations consisted of me saying “have a good day at work” and his grunt in reply. A short “I’m going to my grandma’s house” because I needed to get out. 

It wasn’t talking. Not really.

There was a time I think he wanted to talk. He came into the bedroom on the 4th night of us sleeping apart. He sat down, didn’t say much. I know he was trying to get me to ask what was wrong, if he was okay, what I could to do help him. But I didn’t say anything.

Which was.... hard.

Really hard.

I’ve spent 7 years being trained, like a collared bitch that comes to it’s masters call that when he’s upset, I find the solution. When we fight, I ask for forgiveness. When we can’t decide, I compromise. 

7 years of training. 

This time I didn’t do it though. No matter how tight he pulled the collar around my neck, the mumbled phrases he said to lure me in:

“I’m so tired...”

That’s what he said. He’s tired. 

Him.

He didn’t ask how I was, he didn’t ask what I was thinking. He just sat there. Staring down into his lap. Breathing. Waiting for me to beg for forgiveness for a fight he started, for words he said, for a relationship he molded. 

“What’s wrong with you?”

That’s the last real thing he had said to me and it still rings back and forth in my head. 

4 days he left me with that.

20 minutes, give or take, that’s how long he sat there waiting. But I didn’t say anything. If he wanted to talk about the fight, I was ready to talk, but I knew it would end in a breakup right there and then at 1am. Not the ideal time. But... ideal times don’t really exist.

He left though. Wordlessly. Closing the door behind him just like the walls he always put up so that I could work to tear them down and make it right. 

The next morning I went to work.

And while I stared into our empty store, my new coworkers that I’ve only known for 2 days standing around me. I made the choice that it was over. I was done sitting here with an infected bandage waiting for it to heal itself. I wanted to rip it off. Let the air sting against the cut he had caused so it could finally get a chance to breathe. To heal.

We were done.

I came home from work with determination in my steps and the most stomach turning anxiety in my gut. 

We were done.

I entered the house. Silence. I go to his office. He’s playing fortnite. 

He doesn’t notice me at first because he’s talking to his friends. His mood is different. He’s happy, I know it. I move towards him and he recognizes that I’m there. 

“How was work?”

It was like nothing was wrong. 

I’m still confused about that part but I didn’t focus on it for too long. “Can we talk when you’re done your game?” I said. 

He agreed. I left the room to go downstairs.

I didn’t take my work uniform off thank god I didn’t take my work uniform off. My car keys were in my pocket because I didn’t stop to put them down. The ferret travel cage was in the car, not because I had it there as a “just in case” but simply because, like the keys, I had forgotten to put it away when I brought them inside after a vet appointment last week. 

I text my friends to let them know that it’s happening. I had talked to my mom on the phone on the drive home from work to give her a heads up that tomorrow they’ll probably need to get me. 

Tomorrow. I can’t believe I thought he’d let me stay the night.

He called my name when he was done the game. We never use each other’s names. Always pet names when we’re alone. So it was odd.

I went upstairs to his office and stood in the doorway.

He asked if I wanted to take a seat.

I said I did not.

The conversation that follows is not something I’m ready to fully bring myself back to, not yet, maybe not ever. I was clear in my intentions, firm with when I was leaving, and as factual as I could be. I explained what I felt he deserved to know, and allowed him to take the silences he needed to take.

A broken man sobbed in front of me, begging me to stay. Saying, for the millionth time, that he could change if I needed him to despite how I’d never seen the evidence of it. Said we could stop having sex for good. Said I was all that he had and without me he was completely alone. Said I couldn’t leave because if I did he would be by himself in a house with no one.

And then he remembered the ferrets.

“Are you taking the girls?” He asked me, breaking again in front of me.

I gave him a very clear, very hard “yes.” 

Because I was.

I was leaving him and I was taking my ferrets with me.

More so than the conversation we just had, the following 30 minutes of my life are the worst 30 minutes I’ve ever experienced. I highly doubt I’ll ever be able to remember those 30 minutes and feel at peace.

It was when the abuse turned from emotional to physical. As he fought me for my ferrets. My girls. 

My hands still hurt from where I grabbed their cage and my voice is still sore from yelling that he needed to let go.

I had my car keys in my pocket because of luck.

I had the kennel in my car because of forgetfulness. 

I grabbed all 5 of them in my arms and I ran.

I ran.

I’ve never moved so quickly with my heartbeat hammering in my ears and my chest so tight with fear and anxiety, moving completely on gut instinct above literally anything else. 

I got them into the kennel and I locked the car.

He could have the house. He could have the furniture. He could have the damage deposit and the subscriptions and the money that he owes me and my virginity that he stole and my broken beating fucking heart I don’t give a fucking shit about any of that useless garbage but he is not taking my girls. I brought them into this house because I wanted one fucking thing to keep me sane and moving and loved and I wasn’t leaving unless they were in the back of my car.

He lost his chance to say goodbye when he grabbed me.

He lost his chance to hold them one more time when he threatened to leave with them.

He lost his chance to a normal breakup when he stood by the door with rage in his eyes telling me that even though my parents were on their way to save me from the hell he trapped me in, he would not let them into his home to free me from the hold that he had so easily trapped me in.

But I stayed firm.

The keys were in my pocket.

I had my girls. 

He moved towards me and I was scared but he grabbed his car keys and his wallet and stormed out of the house.

“You’re a selfish bitch. Fuck you.”

That’s the last thing he said.

And I sobbed in the doorway of my front door until my throat was raw and I couldn’t breathe. I sobbed because of how long I had been trapped. Because of the lies he told me. Because of how many times he said he’d change and never did. Because of all of the signs I missed. Because of all of the excuses I gave. Because of all the fighting and the compromising and the unhappiness. I sobbed because I was so relieved but so fucking terrified about everything that this changes and everything that this puts to an end. I just sobbed.

I don’t know when my step dad showed up but I assume he found me in the doorway shaking with my knees to my chest and my heart broken on the floor.

He held me for longer than he ever has. I don’t know what I said to him. I think I told him about the ferrets but I probably just kept mumbling “they’re in the car they’re in the car the girls are in the car” hoping he’d understand. I think he did. I don’t know.

My mom and brother were there in her van moments later and we packed.

Everything we could fit between 3 cars we packed. We started with the important stuff: my computer, the ferret cage, my sewing machine. We sacrificed the stuff that I didn’t have room for: my cosplay gear, half of my clothes, my fish tank (which breaks my fucking heart all over again please just take care of my fish I told them I was so sorry when we left but I just couldn’t take them). 

It’s hard.

To watch the home you had just finished setting up be torn apart so quickly because you aren’t sure when he’s coming back to demand that you stay.

It’s hard.

But we did it.

My mom, my brother, my step dad, and me. We tore the home apart and I got my stuff. 

I sobbed the whole drive away from that house. My brother drove with me, which I will never stop being thankful for. I sobbed because I was scared, still am, that my ex was going to kill himself. I was worried that that’s why he left. My eyes were on the highway and my heart was being left in broken pieces along the side of the road with each kilometre we drove. 

And then I stopped crying.

About half of the way to my parent’s house.

Just.... stopped crying.

My brother and I talked about anime, one of our shared interests. He just finished watching SK8 with his wife and we were talking about our favourite parts, agreeing that Langa was best boy, making jokes about the silly bits and discussing our favourite scenes. Just talked with my brother about anime.

So I’m here now. In almost the same position I was in when I made a post like this last week, rethinking all of the reasons I had to leave. I’m at the kitchen table. I have a cup of tea that’s 3/4 full and completely cold because this post distracted me. I’ve been crying. A lot. My eyes are constantly puffy and red.

But about 30 minutes ago I went to walmart. 

Stupid thing to give you hope, I suppose, a trip to walmart. I needed to get a sheet for my new bed though and I didn’t want to put it off. 

A solo trip to walmart.

The same walmart that, exactly 1 week ago almost on the hour, I had been in with my ex (”ex” still feels odd to say). We had stopped by to get groceries after a couples counselling session. He was in a bad mood. We argued. In the car I apologized and he did not. 1 week ago I hadn’t realized everything wrong with us. 1 week ago I cried by the george t-shirts because he left me there in a rage after I said we needed to cross the store to get duct tape. 1 week ago I went to the mcdonalds in that walmart to get us burgers and the boy at the till was cute. 1 week ago I slipped into a 15 second daydream where I was with someone I found attractive. 1 week ago I felt guilty for the thought. 1 week ago I was just as brave as I was yesterday, but I didn’t know it yet.

I’m with my mom. I’m with my step dad. I’m with my ferrets.

I’m safe. I’m home. 

When I sat at the red light on the way home from walmart, I felt the relief my mom had told me about 5 days ago. Not the wave that she described, nothing that “washed over me” like she had told me it did when she left my dad; but just a spark. A tiny little glimmer of “this is what’s right”, “this is what’s good”, “this is what’s better”. 

My throat is still sore. My hands are still numb. And my heart still aches. But those pains go away eventually.

He goes away eventually.

[elsanna-shenanigans]

December Contest Submission #8: Scintillating

words: ca. 4500 setting: mAU lemon: yes cw: alcohol consumption, nipple play, some swearing, not vegan-friendly decor

Condensation coiled past her lips, fogging her vision and drawing her eyes up to the spattering of stars above them. For a moment, Elsa forgot all about the reason that had brought them here in the first place, stopping in her tracks to gaze up in wonderment. A smile drew itself slowly across her lips as she fell into the beauty of the cold, distant lights cast down on the frozen, snow-shrouded wilderness around them. She tilted her head and the whitish grey faux-fur trim of her midnight blue winter jacket brushed softly against her cheek as she tried recognizing the constellations above her.

“Anna.” 

Her voice was barely above a whisper, yet it had been so quiet around them but for the shuffling of their boots through snow that Elsa knew her younger sister wouldn’t have had to strain to hear her name. She tore her gaze away from the firmament to find Anna had already cued into the night’s glory overhead, and her heart swelled at the awestruck delight on the freckled face she held so dear. Freckles she couldn’t help but note had the same chaotic harmony as the stars they admired. They were rivalled only by the twinkle of mirth in Anna’s eyes and Elsa’s breath hitched as her eyes ran over the soft, beautiful lines of her cheekbones, her jawline, her throat, her nose, her mouth… Elsa averted her eyes from the delicately pink lips, exhaling shakily. Virtue of habit.

“I hope we get enough clear skies while we’re here, I could be out every night.”

Anna’s eyes went wide with apprehension and it was all Elsa could do to bite back a smirk, thinking of how expressive her sister was. ‘Don’t you dare make me choose between stargazing and standing around in -32°C weather’

“Yeah well, I’m not sure I could be, if it’s as cold as it is now.”

Elsa chuckled, her words having simply confirmed what her eyes had already communicated.

“Aw c’mon,” she teased gently. “I’ll keep you warm.”

“At this rate you’re going to have to light me on fire if you don’t want me to freeze before we make it to the chalet. Besides, you’re going to like the master bedroom.”

She shook her head wordlessly at the hyperbole, considering that while granted, the snow was knee deep, they were only a couple of footfalls away from the front steps. The house loomed darkly, melding into the thicket of pine trees behind it, but for the fairy lights that caused the snow beneath them to scintillate with prismatic pastels, each individual snowflake detaching itself from the rest this way. It was the sort of small wonders that gave Elsa reason to look forward to winter each year. 

Readjusting her backpack, Elsa gave one last effort hoisting herself out of the snow to climb up the front porch and immediately began digging for the key that’d sunk to the bottom of her pocket. After a moment of struggling, feeling for it through her gloves, she pulled it out triumphantly and unlocked the front door. She bared her hands and dropped her backpack, blindly feeling for a light switch. When she finally did, her eyes fluttered in adjusting to the brightness. The interior was shockingly well-curated, the very definition of rustic chic between the wood, the stone, the plaid, the sheepskin, furs etc. A touch of charm and magic came by the way of understated yet elegant seasonal decorations. Mistletoe, cedar wreaths, holly, pine garlands accented by silver, red and blue ornaments. Logs and kindling were set up in the fireplace, ready to be set alight. 

It was nothing short of a miracle that they’d even been able to book this on such short notice. Honestly, she had no idea where and how Anna had managed to find this rental, but it was proving to blow up her expectations at every turn. Granted, when her sister had announced that they would need to drive roughly 7 and a half hours to get here, Elsa’s excitement had been mitigated, at best. Yet she also knew that its remoteness was likely what made the destination so affordable. And more importantly, now that they were here she understood there was a great deal of comfort in putting that much distance between them and their apartment in Ottawa, along with their roommates and friends. For the first time in years, it was just the two of them. 

The thought brought back into focus the main reason they’d even decided to get away for the winter holidays to spend them with each other.

They had a lot to talk about. 

Elsa glanced back, checking up on Anna who was pulling the toboggan they’d cleverly brought along to more easily transport all of their things from the car. She noted the unsteady grip and sought to deliver her from the icy wind.

“Why don’t you go get the fire started? I’ll get the rest of the stuff inside.” 

The younger woman didn’t need to be asked twice, dropping the toboggan’s cord and hurriedly shuffling through the snow, running up towards the warmth of the house. Elsa half expected her to immediately disappear inside, but that was something Anna had no intentions of doing without first stopping to throw her arms around her older sister. Caught off guard, Elsa did not immediately respond, but after a few moments had passed, she hesitantly brought her hands up to embrace her waist. 

“Thank you,” Anna whispered, her lips tickling against her ear.

Elsa shuddered, and it wasn’t from the cold. 

✧✧✧

It had taken some time for the chalet to warm up properly after Anna had gotten the fire going, but that had suited them just fine. Elsa had fixed them up some hot chocolate, with a healthy splash of Bailey’s and a hint of peppermint, crowned with marshmallows. She’d glanced down, gaze softened by tender affection as Anna had curled up against her on the couch, strands of red tickling Elsa’s collarbone as their beverages had heated them up from the inside out. The cold outside was soon forgotten as the flames had roared up, hot air cradling their faces in conjunction with the heavy blanket they’d drawn up over themselves. 

Elsa’s mind had soon grown restless however, the initial serenity engineered by the enchantment of their new setting dissipating as her thoughts had raced back to the conversation they’d kept on hold for exactly eighteen days (she’d kept count). Shackled by habit she’d wanted to slide her hand down to rest on Anna’s waist, fingertips seeking the hem of her sweater, but she’d taken forever before actually deciding to make a move. 

At the time she’d found it easier to simply talk about the future than the present, telling Anna that they would need to set a reminder for the following day to try and witness the Great Conjunction between Saturn and Jupiter, which would this year occur on the Winter Solstice. She’d blushed sheepishly when Anna had pointed out that lack of light pollution was yet another reason she’d wanted to venture so far from what most people would commonly regard as civilization, knowing and understanding how beautifully rare it was to be alive for such a celestial event. 

The as of yet unspoken words had continued to tighten her throat, preventing her from bringing up the subject she was so anxious to broach, but was terrifyingly paralyzed by. It hadn’t been until their drinks were close to done (without counting the occasional topping off with more coffee liqueur) that Elsa’s tongue finally decided to cooperate with her brain. Eighteen days had been far too long to chew on their last exchange about the matter at hand, overthinking, overanalyzing, second guessing everything that had been said. 

By now, she felt pretty warm and she allowed the blanket to slide off her a little more, unzipping her hoodie, skin gently glowing with the flickering, crackling of the fire. 

“Anna, I…”

She felt her sister shift slightly, likely looking up at her. Elsa wetted her lips nervously, knowing she had her  full attention.

“We…”

The struggle was real, but she was glad there wasn’t any interjection coming. She made a mental note to thank Anna for her patience later. 

“Firstly I’m sorry I cut you off so abruptly when we talked about… this, a few weeks ago.” 

Perhaps it was a calculated nonchalance on her part but on the other hand she figured it would just sound strange to actually say ‘eighteen days ago’ out loud. 

“And I hope,” she continued. “That you understand what I meant when I said that we needed to talk this out some more, I wouldn’t want you to think I didn’t feel the same way.” 

There was a slight loss of body heat as Anna sat up a little straighter. It was brief, however, as she felt a hand gently grasp the side of her face, tilting her head down towards her sister.

“Elsa. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not, you deserve clarity, I-“

“Elsa.” 

Her lips fell heavy and she stopped talking, looking down at the dark intensity in Anna’s gaze. 

“You think too much. And gods, I’m Twenty-five, not Fifteen. I know I’ll always be your ‘baby sis’ - oh yeah, I’ve seen your caller ID listing - but I’m not a naive, innocent little girl anymore. I understand.” 

Elsa dared to lean slightly into the touch on her face, her gaze softening. She felt a thumb brush gently against the edge of her cheekbone and managed a smile.

“What do you understand?” 

“I understand that you’re scared. Hell, I am fucking terrified. I understand that I want you in ways I shouldn’t, love you in ways beyond my mandate as your little sister. I understood with every kiss, every lingering touch we shared that night that you felt the same way. I also understand why you pulled away after I kissed your neck, because I know you, Elsa. I know you don’t trust yourself, I know you have so carefully crafted an armour and delicately cultivated a self-possessed facade to protect yourself from the world. And I also understand what it would mean for us, for our lives if one of our roommates or friends were to discover the truth.  And I know it must have felt like torture for you to be so hyper vigilant about the way you spoke to me, the way you looked at me, the way you touched me and the restraint you exerted. I could feel the fucking fire coming off of you. So I understand why you said what you said - you were buying time, and I understand why you acted the way you did - you were protecting us both.”

Her eyebrows had risen and she stared at Anna, completely bewildered at what she was hearing. Though she was ordinarily loquacious, her sister was seldom ever so brutally to the point. More than that, she realized this meant Anna somehow knew about the feelings Elsa had harboured for her for quite some time. She wondered how long, worried that if Anna had noticed, others might have seen the crack in her tower of ice. 

“You knew?” 

That’s all she could manage and she felt ridiculous, knowing she was normally well-spoken and articulate, though one might have noted it was only when the situation pertained to matters impersonal, relative to herself. Her mouth felt dry and her gaze wandered briefly away from Anna’s eyes, to the crown of dampness forming at her temples from the heat that now enveloped them both, inside out. As much as Elsa appreciated the crisp, unforgiving sharpness of cold winter air, she knew Anna was likely very happy to be sweating indoors instead.

“I didn’t say anything because I knew being the big gay lesbian you are, you needed some time to process and a safe space to say your piece… but do you really think I begged you to drive 8 hours north into the sticks just so we could talk?” 

Elsa’s mind went into overdrive as she tried to comprehend what Anna was saying. It seemed as though her brain was yet again trying to overanalyze, overthink what she was being told. 

“What do you mean?”

She tensed up a little as she heard Anna’s exasperated sigh. Any doubts she had previously held however, were dissipated the moment she felt a thumb trace the curve of her lower lip, followed by a soft, delicate mouth pressing against hers in its wake.

Oh.

Her heart was now beating so hard she could feel it in her throat. The kiss electrified her body, lighting it up with a fire she’d never quite felt before and the sparks lingered on her lips. Even if her head had been clear and focused in the moment, she wouldn’t have been able to recall any previous incidence of the single act of kissing, sending heat and lightning in the pit of her lower belly. She’d had chemistry, good chemistry with other people even but nothing like this. There was no way the Bailey’s alone could be blamed for it and that thought both enthralled and terrified her. The hand she’d kept at Anna’s waist slid up the sweater, under her shirt, finding the velvety dew of her skin pleasant to her fingertips. How long had it been since she’d first realized she craved and longed to touch her sister in this way? How long had it been since fear had guided and controlled her every movement, shackling her most human needs and impulses to touch, to hug, to nuzzle the person she held dearest in this world? How long had it been since the guilt began to gnaw at her? How long had it been now since the constant mental self-flagellation, driven by self-loathing had overtaken her identity and so twisted and tainted her self-perception? How long had it been since she’d completely choked out any trace of spontaneity within her, for fear it might one day betray the repulsive, repugnant truth she’d come to believe represented her? How long had she allowed it to take over her life until it tainted every one of her interactions? Too long. Far too long. She didn’t know that the damage would ever be undone. But, here under the cast of the fire’s warm glow, for the first time in forever, her mind flirted with the idea of self-forgiveness.

For the first time in forever, she could allow herself to be free.

On some level it hadn’t fully sunk in yet, and even as she finally allowed this sort of contact, the habit of caution kept her gestures on a tight, controlled reign, not quite ready yet to forget herself. Fear and guilt were, after all, powerful enemies, bridling her every impulse even now as sharp sparks jolted through her nervous system, crackling from her lips combined to Anna’s.

It was a fortunate thing that Anna knew what she wanted though, and was determined to get it. Unbeknownst to Elsa, she too had been sitting on this obsessive craving for a fruit so forbidden she had to plan an entire holiday to finally get a taste. Elsa’s breath was shallow as she watched her lean back to tug her sweater off, discarding it to the floor hurriedly. Her nipples were visible under the fabric of her tank top and Elsa thought she might choke as she noticed them. Desire gnawed at the chains of self control. Sanity was packing its bags, ready to vacate the premises when she felt fingernails lightly scratching at her jaw line, flirting with the tender skin of her throat. Fear and guilt were beginning to lose their grip, inch by inch and by the time Anna was brushing up her thigh against Elsa’s side, they were out of sight and out of mind.

Finally, Elsa left the safe harbour of her mouth, lips kissing up the line of her jaw to her earlobe where she gently nipped, down the curve of her neck - all to the delight of Anna, who’s gentle mewling sent heated flames of need licking at the core of Elsa’s lower belly. Her timidity almost completely vanished, she pushed Anna back down on the couch, shifting so that she was now laying on top of her, and she lapped her tongue softly at the base of her throat. She felt Anna’s body arch beneath her and where the alcohol might have left them fairly tipsy, she was now tasting what it felt like to be drunk on power. 

Unfortunately, the couch was fairly narrow and their hips bumped uncomfortably. She even tried to set a foot down on the floor to steady herself as she captured Anna’s lips and ran a hand ravenously along her side, but she quickly realized that the position would only lead to cramping and disappointment. 

She looked around, one hand subconsciously pressing down on Anna’s sternum as if to ensure she would not go anywhere (as if Anna had any desire whatsoever to be anywhere else in the world at that precise moment). Her eyes lingered briefly on the fire and the lush reindeer skin rug by it, considering her options briefly. She smirked to herself but decided that they would have more opportunities and occasions for her to claim Anna by the fire.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just- what do you say we take this to the bedroom?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

✧✧✧

They’d had thrown as many more logs as they could possibly fit into the fire place, knowing the chances of either of them getting up in the night to keep it going were slim to inexistent. They’d paused only briefly once more to taste each other, touch each other in ways they’d, prior to that moment, barely dared think of, shamefully hidden in the darkest hours of the night. Hurriedly, they’d ran up the stairs, Anna having playfully lured Elsa into giving chase up to the master room, their clothes discarded erratically along the way, as they paused only to catch one another, fumbling with clasps and zippers, struggling with waistbands, insatiable in their kissing.

Inhibitions had retained a thin veil only long enough for her to notice the glorious, star-gazing window right in perfect view of the bed. Anna had been right about her liking the master bedroom. She did not linger on the thought however, her eyes drawn back to Anna’s features illuminated by the beams of moonlight flooding through the windows, an ethereal halo now wrapping around her features, lending her another worldly beauty. Overwhelmed and overthrown, it was like seeing her for the first time, again and she thought her heart might burst open with Anna pulling her down on top of her, the warmth of her skin immediately radiating towards Elsa. 

She found herself hungrily kissing Anna, gaining in confidence with each passing second as she nipped and suckled softly at her lower lip. She smiled against her as she heard the little squeal of surprise this produced. Nails scratched over the nape of her neck, digging into her shoulders, and her sister’s smooth, bare thigh locked around her hip pressing her down against her pelvic bone, which elicited a gasp from the both of them. Elsa slid her tongue just past Anna’s lips whom promptly suckled it in, causing her to moan, and her body subconsciously rocked against hers. 

Her hand slid down the side of Anna’s body, the tremor in her fingertips belying the nervous eagerness crackling hotly in every single one of her cells. The sensation of Anna’s warm, dewy skin against her own set her nerves alight with fire and she had to pull away from the kiss momentarily to check whether she were actually still breathing.

Another jolt of arousal shot down from her spine to her loins as Anna looked up at her, skin flushed and feverish, eyes come hither as she felt her hand coming up to tease one of her breasts. Elsa’s body tensed and her breath hitched, realizing just how strained her nipples had gotten, and how sensitive they were as a result. Her lips fell open as her younger sister teased it, sending sparks of pleasure radiating throughout her body, especially between her thighs. She shifted again slightly, her hip and upper thigh now pressing firmly against Anna’s radiating core. The heated dampness she felt against her skin was enough to cause a rush of wetness between Elsa’s own legs and she reached down again, her mouth seeking Anna’s neck. She kissed her at first gently, then intermingled with nips until she couldn’t resist the temptation anymore, following the thrumming of her pulse against her lips, and began to suckle at the skin, growling as she left her mark. It was something a little possessive, a little territorial, and on a primal level Elsa liked the thought of having visibly claimed what she deemed to be hers and if the way Anna mewled and gasped were any indication it seem she enjoyed it too. Given the nature of their relationship, they had to take full advantage now then, before any trace of it lingered and remained visible upon returning to their lives back in Ottawa. 

Anna arched her body beneath her, causing friction in between their legs, as she began to subconsciously rock up against her. The hand she had been using to tease her nipple cupped the breast more fully, squeezing and massaging ever so gently. Elsa let out a little growl in response to this, and left a trail of love bites on her way down to a pert, rosy breast. She ghosted feathery kisses around the taut nipple, enjoying the feel of the divinely soft skin against her lips, spurred on by the sweet little mewls her younger sister echoed in answer. 

By now, Elsa was humping softly against Anna’s thigh, feeling a blush creep up her neck at the realization of her own arousal. It was further compounded by the feeling of Anna’s wetness against her own thigh, as well as the nails now scratching up her shoulders, leaving scarlet trails on the nape of her neck. She hissed in a mixture of pain and pleasure flexing her thigh and rolling her hips a little more firmly. It was enough to coax her into giving a flick of her tongue over Anna’s nipple who inhaled sharply, and tangled her dainty fingers into the base of Elsa’s messy, platinum braid. Encouraged by this, she glanced up past the trail of darkly, well defined love bites she’d left, to find Anna’s head tossed invitingly to the side, eyes tightly shut in pleasure. It was enough to convince her to capture the aching nipple between her lips giving it an experimental suck. 

Again, she shuddered and rolled her hips as she felt Anna arch her back up against her, and grip in her hair tightening further, which in turn provided a swell of confidence for her. Her lower belly clenched and she suckled a little harder, moaning as she felt the hard peak against the flat of her tongue. Hunger raged and she pressed more fully into any in every way she possibly could. Fire coursed through her when Anna briefly glanced back at her, eyes feverish and glassy, dark with desire, panting with her lips parted as she whispered her name. 

“Elsa…” 

Fuck - how was she so gloriously, ravishingly beautiful? How was this woman here with her, like this, offering the toned, perfect lines and curves of her body and the exquisitely harmonious features of her face? Elsa feasted her eyes, her senses, her fingertips, her skin, her touch. Her ears, her taste and even right down to her scent, as if she were afraid any moment now, this might all slip away. As if, she were afraid Anna would realize her mistake, realize that Elsa weren’t deserving of her. And in turn, it pushed her to be a more attentive, devoted partner in the discovery and exploration of her body, with the sole, fixed goal of bringing Anna to heights yet undiscovered. 

Her hand reached down to caress the curve of Anna’s ass, squeezing and massaging it for a moment before lightly scratching up her hip, her waist, the side of her rib cage, then trailing along her arm, seeking out her hand. She laced her fingers into her sister’s gently, yet firmly pinning back down against the mattress, as her mouth switched from suckling, to worrying the nipple between her teeth. Anna’s breathing turned ragged as the hand still entangled in Elsa’s hair gripped tighter, nails digging into her scalp, and her heated, dripping pussy now humped up desperately against Elsa’s tensed, flexed thigh. 

“More,” Anna whimpered desperately, which promptly caused Elsa’s free hand to find her other breast, fingers rolling the nipple between them. She felt her buck, which gave a pleasantly firm rub against her own, swollen, eager sex and her thigh twitched involuntarily, and squeezed Anna’s hand even as she kept it pinned against the bed.

They were close, she could feel it as much in Anna’s body as in her own. The buildup was coming to a head, and she gave one last heated lick before kissing and nipping her way back up the trail of love bites, up her throat, to the curve of her neck, to her earlobe which she kissed almost reverently, before nipping as she whispered in a husky, breathless voice. “I love you Anna.” 

This seemed to do it for Anna, whom she could feel now desperately humping her leg, likely guided by reflex and instinct more than intent. She moaned loudly and turned her head seeking Elsa’s mouth blindly, wanting to feel all of her, give herself to her entirely, as her orgasm set her whole body alight, like fire raging through her blood, heat blooming from her belly and pooling wetly against her older sister’s skin. 

With their breasts now pressed together, nipples brushing against nipples, digging into skin, and the intoxicating sensation of the power she’d just had over Anna, Elsa finally lost the battle with her self-restraint, her inhibitions discarded with no regard for dignity. She squeezed Anna’s thigh between her own, her belly painfully taut as she built up to her own perfect storm. It was her turn to moan in pleasure as Anna whimpered and mewled through her after shocks, looking up at her in earnest adoration.

“I love you too, Elsa so much.”

Light and heat blinded her for a moment as her body went still, her climax thrashing through her with an intensity she never guessed possible. Her heart raced and her pulse deafened her before she finally dropped her face into the nook of Anna’s neck, kissing it tenderly through ragged breaths. 

The hand previously at Anna’s breast reached up to stroke her ember-coloured hair tenderly, smiling as she heard her giggle. As she recovered slowly, body still lightly trembling, she finally lifted her head up to share tender, lingering kisses, basking in their afterglow. She could’ve sworn she heard her younger sister purring but perhaps the stars in her head hadn’t cleared yet. Anna’s lips briefly left hers to kiss the corner of her mouth, up to her ear, whispering:

“I can’t wait for you to taste me.”

A surge of heat, and suddenly Elsa knew there was beauty in warmth too.

[kirikinni]

Will You Still Be Here? | krbk

Summary: High school relationships never last but sometimes there really is only one person for you.

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Kirishima Eijirou 

Word Count: 11k

Themes: no quirks, normal world au, kiribaku break up, slight nsfw themes

Warning: depression, hinting to abusive relationships, mental health, slight nsfw but like if you squint.

Kirishima Eijirou has always given more than he gets, he has always been the one to pick up calls at three in the morning or stay overnight to make sure they’re okay. Kirishima Eijirou has always been an empath and his mother told him a long time ago that that very thing would back to bite him in the ass. High school was fun, he made friends, scored decently in his classes and got into all the trouble he possibly could have. In high school he met Bakugou Katsuki, in high school he met the love of his life. It was in high school where Kirishima felt like the world was right and the pieces finally connected, it was in high school when Kirishima Eijirou finally felt like he had everything he needed and then all of a sudden he didn’t.

It was a fight here and there at first, they would argue about where to eat or about Bakugou’s anger issues but they would always make up. The two boys would always make up before long and would be seen together soon enough. In the beginning it was a broken pencil or a word that stung a little more than necessary but they would always apologize and they would be in each others arms again. In the beginning it was a hole punched in Kirishima’s bedroom wall and refusal to get help. In the beginning it was name calling and ignoring the signs until that was all it was.

Bakugou Katsuki was damaged, Kirishima knew this when they became friends, he knew this when he started to fall for his friend, he knew this when he finally asked Bakugou out and he knew this when he said ��I love you’ and he believed that it was nothing he couldn’t fix. Kirishima Eijirou was going to help his boyfriend, he was going to fix his problems and help him become confident and whole again. He was going to love him and support him until that happened but people have limits.

Children have limits and Kirishima found his months before graduation during after school club activities.

“Katsuki hold on.” Kirishima called out as he jogged after his boyfriend. Katsuki had lost a game of dodgeball, being struck out by none other than Izuku Midoriya and that definitely struck a nerve. Midoriya and Bakugou had never really been the best of friends, they’ve known each other forever but he never liked the other boy. Bakugou thought Midoriya was making fun of him, thought that Midoriya was weak and child like for clinging to Bakugou like he did. Kirishima knew it wasn’t any of that and instead just Bakugou projecting his emotions onto the one person who never gave up on him.

“What shitty hair?” He asked, gritting his teeth together. He could not get angry at his boyfriend, he could not angry at someone else and take it out on his boyfriend, he was not going to make Kirishima upset. Bakugou repeated those words like a mantra in his head, ever since he had accidentally blown up on Kirishima and made him cry he had been trying to get control over his anger. To try and not hurt the people he loves because he was too afraid to accept love and support. “What?” he asked again, softer this time. Making a conscious effort to not redirect his anger.

“What happened baby? It’s just a game, remember we talked about this? We talked about not getting so blown up over such small things, you don’t have to be number one at everything. You’re already acing most of the classes, you’re the captain of both the football and basketball teams, the band is due to play next week at the café. Things are going good. You are winning, at the important stuff. This doesn’t matter.” He said softly, trying to remind Bakugou of all the good in his life trying to bring him down from his explosive high.

“You don’t fucking understand.” He said, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. He was not going to get angry, he was not going to scream at his boyfriend.

“Katsu, I do. I get it baby, you need to win but this is silly. This isn’t something you need to win, there’s so much else you can focus on. So much else for you to be passionate about.” He said trying again, Kirishima did not in that minute realize how far he was pushing Bakugou and unbeknownst to him the end of his happy ending was nearing.

“Kiri stop.” He said, feeling the rage climb through his body like a monster taking over. As if the emotion boiled in the very pit on his stomach and it climbed all the way through his body, engulfing him in flames and covering his vision. His anger, his insecurities, his fears all of it spread like a wildfire in a forest with no regard for what it burns or who it kills.

“Katsuki listen to me. There is so much more than this competition you have, there is so much more than this silly fire you have to beat everyone at everything. You are killing yourself, you are hurting everyone around you because you refuse to understand that this is pointless. This feud with Midoriya, this need to be number one at everything, this anger that makes you who you aren’t. It’s pointless and I need you to understand that.” He said and waited. Bakugou’s eyes were downcast, they refused to meet Kirishima but when he finally did there was nothing but malice. Nothing but a fire that burned so bright Kirishima knew he was about to get burnt.

“You wouldn’t fucking understand, you’re okay with being the underdog. You’re okay with being second best, hell you’re okay not even being in the running. You have no fire or passion so you wouldn’t fucking understand. There’s more? There’s so much more? What’s there huh? You? Are you more? You’re delusional and pathetic and you’re stopping me from reaching what I need to reach.” He spat out, his words laced with poison, teeth bared but voice nothing above a whisper. The same decibel at which he would sing ‘I love you’s’.

“Apologize.” Kirishima spoke, his eyes brimming with hot tears, his fists balled up as though he was going to punch his boyfriend. As though he was going to finally throw a punch back but no, his fists were closed to stop the tears from falling. His fists where closed because he hoped the pain from his fingernails puncturing his skin would be enough to dull the knives that where tore at his heart.

He waited, he stood in silence and waited for the apology to come but nothing did. The silence was somehow worse and he did something he never thought he could, he pushed Bakugou to the ground, hands wrapped around his shirt collar. “APOLOGIZE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.” He screamed at the boy and pulled his face up close, as close as he would hold it when they kissed.

Kirishima was pulled off the other boy by his friends, he was dragged off the boy he thought loved him. He was dragged off and his friends felt the heat of his tears fall on their hands, they knew what this meant and the end had come sooner than any of them had expected.

It had been years since the incident, years since Bakugou Katsuki ripped Kirishima’s heart out and chewed it up. Five years to be exact, Kirishima had gotten his business degree and was now working at a company in Tokyo. Still young, still new to his job he lived in a one bedroom apartment with hopes that life will take off one day. He lived most of his days without sparing his past flame a thought but there would be a song on the radio or a meal made in a specific way and he would come crashing down on his kitchen floor and waves of sadness would hit him. He would lay still, bunched up with his knees pressed against his chest as the tears flowed until they eventually stopped. He would cry until they washed away the memories of his touch and his smell and his loving words and all that was left would be the day they broke.

The tears would wash away the good and remind him of the pain and the broken pencils and the constant competition. He would be left with the memory of an empty watering can, gathering rust in the corners, an empty watering can that he has since not been able to fill.

“Kiri you wanna get dinner after work?” His friend asked as he leaned over his own cubicle.

“Sure Kams, where’d you have in mind?” Kirishima asked, not turning his eyes away from the spreadsheet he was editing.

“There’s this new restaurant, opened last week and they have live music. The singers supposed to be really good.”

“Yeah okay, I’ll come down to your floor when I get off cool?”

“Cool, see you later.”

Kaminari and Kirishima joined the company around the same time, both initially thought they would have to beat out the other for the position but both got in and now they spent quite a bit of time together. Kaminari was the only other real friend Kirishima had, his fiancée Jirou was sweet and they would all hang out together sometimes but they weren’t really friends.

Kirishima was grateful for Kaminari, he didn’t ask for a lot from him only that they hung out every so often and that Kirishima played badminton with him. It was an easy type of friendship, no twists or turns, no unwanted fights or late nights discussing the future. They weren’t children anymore, there was no need to discuss the future because this was it. This was their future, Kaminari and Kirishima would work this job, get promoted and milk it until they can retire, Kaminari would marry Jirou and Kirishima would attend the wedding. Maybe years ahead Kirishima will fall in love again, get married, start a family and he will forever in the shadow of the love he lost, forever with the emptiness of that rusting watering can inside him. This was their future so there was no need to think about it or talk about it.

They simply existed and that was all they really wanted to do.

At around 7:00 pm Kirishima switched off his monitor and stretched in his chair, running his hand through his black hair and loosening his tie. Kirishima had stopped dying his hair two years ago. He had been there longer than he expected but Kaminari had not called or texted so he assumed that he was caught up as well. Kirishima gathered his things, pulled his blazer on and walked away from the only thing that gave his life purpose anymore.

“Busy?” Kirishima asked his friend as he stepped out of the elevator on Kaminari’s floor.

“Ah fuck yeah, just give me ten and I’ll wrap up.” Kaminari said and went back to furiously typing away at his laptop.

Kirishima wordlessly sat beside him in a nearby cubicle and waited for his friend to finish. As he watched Kaminari work he was struck again by the thought of how mundane their lives where. How unbelievably still and steady their lives where and while at one point that might have made him sad now it was a relief. Kirishima, at age twenty three had no energy, nothing left to give and with every passing year he felt the rust settle in deeper, take a tighter hold on his being.

Soon Kaminari was done and they could go, the boys walked together out of their office building and down the street. The cold air of the night blew against their faces but after a year in the city they had been accustomed to it. Kaminari led the way to the restaurant, singing it’s praise the whole way. Kaminari was much more animated than Kirishima, he had the glow of one in love, the glow of one who was still full and Kirishima envied him sometimes but most times he pretended not to notice.

“Hi, table for two please.” Kaminari said the lady at the front. She smiled at the boys and led them to a table a little way from the stage but close enough to see. It looked like an old American speakeasy, complete with the wooden bar and stage for a single performer. It was dull and the lights hung low as men and women bustled around serving food on silver platters. Kirishima wondered for a second what their days where like, whether they too where satisfied with the dull of everyday life but the waitress brought them their menu and the thought left him.

Kirishima had no time or interest in trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe anymore, no want to understand the reasoning behind human behavior. There was a time Kirishima wanted to study psychology, become a therapist, help people grow, give them what they needed but that was before the can dried up.

They ordered their food, Katsudon for Kirishima and a burger for Kaminari, ordered a couple of beers and settled into their seats. Kirishima followed the pattern of asking Kaminari about the wedding prep, Kaminari teased Kirishima for still not having a date. They talked about things that were neither here nor there. Things that mattered and didn’t, things that never really made a difference and then their food came.

The lights near the stage dulled as they ate and Kaminari noted that the singer must have arrived. The two boys turned their heads to the stage and watched, their interest split quite unevenly between the food and the awaited singer.

There was a complete lack of light on the stage and only sounds of scuffling that came from that area for a while as they set up. Kirishima turned his attention back to his food until the first few notes of the song floated past the various heads and silver platters straight through his ears.

“All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door.”

“Kiri stop running you loser!”

“Be faster then asshole.”

“Cause if I could see your face once more I could die as a happy man I’m sure.”

“Hey, you know you’re like the only person I like here.”

“Aw I like you too dumbass.”

“When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside.”

“Hey, I can’t sleep.”

“Me neither…. Want me to tell you a story?”

“I lay in tears in bed all night alone without you by my side.”

“Hey um, I know you said you where busy today but do you wanna go out with me? Like on a date?”

“But if you loved me why’d you leave me?”

“I love you Katsuki.”

“I love you too Eijirou.”

As the song played, as the music continued and the voice, his voice penetrated his ears, swam through his memories and broke open locks, every memory he had washed away with time and tears and alcohol drowned him.

Kirishima locked eyes with the singer, he wasn’t sure if he had recognized him but Kirishima had seen him. Kirishima knew who it was and Kirishima knew what this meant. He wanted to tear his eyes away, to get up and leave, to pretend this never happened and continue with the life he had built but he couldn’t. He was stuck in place, eyes glued to the stage, to the singer.

The song ended and Kirishima watched on in a daze as if he was watching a movie of his own memories. The song ended and the restaurant erupted in cheers for the singer who smiled and stood up to take a bow.

“Ah thank you everyone, I’m sorry it was so sad but this is one of my favorites. A personal song, after all art is always better with emotions isn’t it?” He asked the crowd and they responded with applause. Kirishima didn’t. “Hello everyone, I’ll be your entertainment for tonight and for every night until Shoto kicks me out. My name is Bakugou Katsuki.”

“Katsuki.” Kirishima whispered under his breath the same time as the singer mentioned his name.

Kirishima had walked out of there with his head hung low after dinner, he stayed and watched Bakugou sing. Watched as he smiled and laughed and interacted with the audience, Kirishima was grateful that they were seated away from the stage. Kaminari didn’t seem to notice his discomfort and even if he didn’t he didn’t acknowledge it.

Kirishima was grateful, he didn’t want to get into his history with the singer who’s blonde hair was reflecting the light stage lights. He looked good, looked better, looked happier and it stung. It pierced through Kirishima that he looked happier while he was still here breaking down from waves of nostalgia and sadness every time he smelled fresh acrylic paints.

Once they finished their meal Kaminari wanted to stay and compliment the singer and chef but Kirishima dished out the excuse he had been working on all night and squirrelled his way out of the restaurant. On the walk back home Kirishima’s heart pounded so loud he felt like there was a marching band following him all the way back to his apartment. He couldn’t stop the wave of memories that took over his mind, the feeling of Bakugou’s hands in his, his legs wrapped around his waist, the heat of his breath against his neck, the soft skin under his lips when they were alone.

It was too much, the memories they beat against him like a sudden downpour, like a storm he had not paid attention to but had grown nevertheless. The smell of Bakugou cooking snacks for them after school, the sound of his loud and thunderous laughter that ricocheted off the walls of his room, the feeling of his soft touches and hot tears after a fight. His touch, his smell, everything about him had engulfed Kirishima’s life once more and it was surrounding him.

Bakugou Katsuki was drowning him all over again.

When Kirishima woke up the next morning he woke up on the floor of his apartment, inches away from his bedroom door, his work clothes still on and his tie discarded in another corner of the room. He looked around in a daze and noticed the mess he had made, how he had trashed his own home because of someone who he knew in what seemed like a different life from now. His kitchen was a mess, the dishes where scattered on the counter and it smelt like he had burnt whatever he was trying to make. There were clothes scattered on the floor and an open suitcase like he was trying to make a run for it, a half empty bottle of scotch on the table and a glass broken against the adjacent wall.

Kirishima had drowned last night and he had made sure he tore down everything else with it. He rubbed his eyes and pressed a hand to his aching head as he looked around for his clock. It was no longer mounted stylishly on his wall but rather was tucked away underneath a bookshelf, thankfully not broken.

“10:00 am” The clock read and he sighed, he was late for work. He hadn’t called in, hadn’t submitted a request for leave but he here he was sitting on the floor not making any kind of move to get up and rush to work. Apologize, grovel, beg for his boss to forgive him. He should be up and hauling his ass to do that and all else but he did nothing. He sat still and stared at the broken glass before laying back down on his back.

Kirishima closed his eyes and when he opened them again it was noon, this time he moved but with no particular rush. He found his phone after a solid ten minutes of searching and checked the many messages he had received from Kaminari asking where he was. Apparently Kaminari had made some bullshit excuse about his getting food poisoning from the food they had and their manager had bought it but expected Kirishima to make up his missing hours by the end of the week and turn in that days reports.

He let out a dry laugh, the excuses, the hungover mornings, the thought of Katsuki Bakugou lingering on his mind, it was all too much like high school, all that was missing was his taste on the tips of his tongue and his hands curled around Bakugou’s hair. He groaned loudly and slapped himself so hard it stung and got off the ground. He stood on his own feet, using the couch near him as support and looked around at the mess he had created. He needed to clean, Kirishima knew that he had to clean but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t bring himself to clean the mess he had created, the mess Bakugou had created so he did nothing.

Instead he left the house exactly how it was and went to shower instead, he scrubbed and scrubbed at his body, every inch, all the hard to reach spots, shampooed himself twice, thrice, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how many times he washed himself the scent never left, the lingering scent of a love lost, the scent of possibility, of wicked horrid hope and possibility lingered on his body and he hated every part of it.

Kirishima only got out of the shower when the water turned freezing cold, he didn’t bother changing into any sort of clothes and instead just sat in his towel for a long while staring at himself in the mirror. He stared at the man in front of him, sometimes shifting from his current self to the image of the seventeen year old who fell in love with his best friend. Kirishima felt tears well up in his eyes but rubbed them away, rough hands against soft skin, he rubbed his eyes until they were red and raw.

He got up and changed into slacks and a red t-shirt and looked at himself once again trying to find where that spark of hope was coming from. Trying to understand why suddenly he didn’t look familiar, where that gaping hole had unpatched itself. There was no denying that he couldn’t recognize who he was looking at, the child in him, the one he locked away a long time ago seemed to be clawing at his bars, begging to be released yet the black hair and sullen face remained like a never-ending prison sentence. Kirishima sighed and pulled out his laptop, typing out an apology to his boss and thanking him for being so understanding of the situation. He got up and decided that if nothing else he would clear his head today. He would remove any and all thoughts he was having about his past and about Bakugou and he would come back the same man who had his life sorted so he plugged his headphones in and went for a walk.

Kirishima was used to this neighborhood, he’s lived here for nearly two years and nothing really changed here. It was the same shopkeepers who called out the prices of their new wares to him as he walked past, the same kids who would run around and play tag or catch or whatever the game of the day was. The same people, same buildings, same lives. He liked it, he liked how much normality existed in his life. He liked the routine more than he would have cared to admit but something was different today.

Kirishima was different today, unlike most days when he would walk past without much occupying his mind today he was lost deep in thought. Thoughts of a blonde lover and the feeling of finding his other half, thoughts of dreams and promises, and adventures that were far from complete. Initially, he was resolved to not think about anything to do with Bakugou but as his steps raised in count and the cold air outside prickled at his skin all he could do was think about the blonde. So he took a deep breath and let himself feel, he let himself relax and let the thoughts consume him so he could let it run through him like water. Let it wash over him and remove whatever he couldn’t keep with him.

“Eiji can you um can you help me with this?” Kirishima smiled a little, the memory of a soft Katsuki Bakugou was something he held deep in his heart. No one believed him, the one time he mentioned how sweet and nervous Bakugou really was no one really believed him but he understood. Katsuki was something hidden, something private and Kirishima had been lucky enough to be allowed into that something. Kirishima was lucky enough to see the side Bakugou tried so hard to hide. Kirishima remembered what came after the question, he remembered turning his head to look at a nervous Bakugou Katsuki, clutching a notebook so tight Kirishima was sure it was going to tear. Bakugou hated losing, he hated not knowing and more than anything he hated asking for help so the fact that Bakugou had come to him meant more than Kirishima could put into words. Kirishima had had a crush on Bakugou since nearly the beginning of their high school careers but right now, with a fifteen year old Bakugou Katsuki standing above him, head hung low glaring holes into the ground was when he really began to fall. Of course Kirishima helped him, he stayed on the floor with his best friend explaining over and over the topic until Bakugou got it, until he smiled so wide with triumph painted across his features it made Kirishima’s heart feel warm.

He sighed at the memory, there was so much of Bakugou that Kirishima knew. So much of the blonde that only Kirishima knew and it would make him a little sad and a little happy but more than anything Kirishima was always grateful. He was so grateful for the right to be allowed inside his heart, grateful to be the one who could calm an explosion with just the touch of a finger. Bakugou was special and somehow, somewhere Kirishima became special to Bakugou.

Kirishima’s mind drifted to the first time Katsuki kissed him, he felt his eyes sting at the memory and his fists curled tight. It wasn’t a passionate taking over of his mind and body like their friends guessed but rather it was a question, something so soft almost a whisper that Kirishima almost didn’t hear “C-can I kiss you?”. It was a single question he asked, spoke as though he was afraid of what Kirishima would say, travelled through the little space that was left between them until he closed the space. Kirishima’s hands moved as though on instinct, cupping Bakugou’s face and pulling him close. It was kind and caring, the kiss was dipped in honey and smothering sweet like Kirishima knew just how much Bakugou needed it. Like he knew just how much of himself was wrapped in barbed wire and hidden away deep under layers of self doubt and insecurities.

Kirishima realised early on in their friendship how much of the child inside Katsuki Bakugou was beaten and moulded into what he is now, how much of the softness and the area to make mistakes was torn away to leave only this rough and scared boy. He realised how much Bakugou struggled with the idea of weakness, how afraid he was of failure and disappointing those around him and himself. Everytime Bakugou flinched when someone older than him raised their hands, the miniscule changes in his face when he was told he didn’t do enough. Kirishima knew the heaviness that weighed on Bakugou’s chest and he spent the better part of his high school career trying to remove it, trying to coax the sweetness back out of him.

“It’s comfortable with you, like you bring peace to my life.”

So Kirishima always kissed him soft, he always held his hands as though he was holding a new born and talked sweet. His hands would trace the lines on Bakugou’s face and the scars on his body, he would breathe into kisses and smile against the other boys lips. There was nothing fast or needy about the way the boys held each other, they took their time and learnt each other at a slow pace. They discovered pleasure and pain and became in tune to each others bodies and minds. Kirishima made it clear every time their bodies connected that he was here, he was in love and he would take care of the other.

Lost in his memories of his lover Kirishima finally found himself back at the restaurant, his feet had traced the path back to the restaurant and a single look inside the large window was enough to drop Kirishima’s heart down to his feet.

There he was, the boy he had just been day dreaming about except he wasn’t that boy anymore. He was older, taller, filled out his frame, his hair was trimmed at the back and sides and he had metal in his ears but that wasn’t what caught Kirishima. It was the way he was laughing, it was the simple fact that Bakugou was laughing. His head thrown back and his mouth open in a way that suggested loud guffaws. Kirishima felt a cold hand wrap around his neck as he watched the man he was so in love with laugh with another. The other man, hair half red and half white stood at the table opposite from Bakugou an unamused expression on his face.

Kirishima watched as Bakugou’s eyes crinkled and his expression settled into something that was comfortable, something that felt right at home, an expression he remembered fondly from when he would hold the blonde in his arms. It was an expression he wore only for Kirishima but here he was, with another sharing what Kirishima helped bring out. Maybe Kirishima would have worked up the courage to walk in there, to grab Bakugou and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe any longer. Maybe he would have slapped him, called him horrible names and blame him for giving up on them. Maybe he would have done many things if Bakugou hadn’t turned around to face him so instead Kirishima ran. He ran from the one person he had sworn to never run from, the one person he promised he would stick by. He ran until his lungs gave out and collapsed against a wall, he sat there trying to catch his breath, trying to expel the image of a laughing older Bakugou Katsuki from his mind but the harder he tried the harder it got.

He sat there, back pressed against the wall as images of Bakugou rushed past his eyes, his black tanktop and the way his skin gleamed against the dark color. The way his body fit so well into what he wore and the metal in his ears, the longer he thought about the more erotic the images in his mind became. Katsuki Bakugou was no longer a scrawny fifteen year old but he was older, he was built, he was undeniably attractive and a twenty three year old Eijirou Kirishima wanted nothing more than to be smothered by the other man.

Kirishima ran all the way back to his apartment again trying to shut out the thoughts that took over his brain but it was of no use. By the time he reached home his mind was so overcome with thoughts of Bakugou Katsuki all he could do was bee line to his washroom and fix the heat that began at the pit of his stomach with one hand in his pants and another covering his eyes.

After that day Kirishima made a promise to himself that he would never go to the restaurant again, he didn’t want to be imprisoned by Bakugou Katsuki, not again but he wasn’t so completely on board. Almost subconsciously he found himself adding to his jogging routine and going by the restaurant every morning, came out of his daze after work and realized he has once again walked past the restaurant so two weeks passed and now Kirishima was their most loyal customer and Bakugou was the most frequent visitor in his dreams.  A few days after trying to deny it he gave in and decided that if nothing else he would be able to see him, watch him smile, listen to him sing. If nothing else he could at least know that the one he loved once was happy.

It was one such day, Kirishima was sitting at the back finishing off a pastry and waiting for Bakugou to take the stage when a girl a few years younger to him walked over. “He’s not coming in today by the way.” She said as she cleared the empty coffee mug. Kirishima looked up at her, his eyes stretched wide in shock and unsure whether she was talking to him but one look at her face and he knew. “Our food isn’t that good also, don’t worry i won’t tell.” she said and winked at the boy before walking away.

A string of curses were let loose in Kirishima’s mind as he went over the possibility of her knowing he was here to see Bakugou, the even worse possibility of Bakugou knowing he was here but just before his mind could explode the girl returned. “Mina, it’s nice to meet you. My cousin runs the restaurant.” she said and stuck a hand out to him. Kirishima stared at her for a minute before gingerly taking her hand and shaking it. “Kirishima.”

“Oh calm down, I won’t tell on you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he replied and moved to get out of the seat and the restaurant. He had no intentions of meeting Bakugou, no intentions of him ever even knowing that Kirishima was here but here he was, cornered by this stranger.

“I’ve seen you around you know, in the morning you run across the restaurant and stop to stretch for a while and then I see you come in everyday in your suits to get food. Honestly at first I thought you just really liked our food but then I really saw you. He was singing that song, the sad one that he sings when he gets really upset and you were looking at him with such sadness in your eyes. You looked like all you wanted was right in front of you and you couldn’t bare not having it. You reached out your hand as if you were reaching for him and my heart broke Kirishima san-”

Before Mina could finish Kirishima was out of his chair and moving out of the restaurant though, his heart was thundering in his chest as he rushed back to his home. That night the dreams found him again except it was nothing and everything all at once. For the entirety of his dream all he did was watch Bakugou sing, he watched him sing the same song, eyes locked onto him but the whole time feeling invisible. It was like Katsuki was looking through Kirishima, like he didn’t even realise he was there though he was sitting right in front of him. Kirishima woke up in tears and didn’t sleep much the rest of the night.

It had been three weeks since Kirishima ran out of the restaurant, he made the most conscious effort to go nowhere near the place. Went out of his way to take a different route home, turned down any invitation to visit the restaurant again until Kaminari brought up the one thing he really couldn’t refuse.

“Hey man, so rehearsal dinner is this Saturday. It’s gonna be at that restaurant we went to and don’t worry it’s a small crowd so you won’t get smothered by people. Please come, it would mean a lot if you did.” Kaminari said to him, his eyes begging, over their lunch break. The date for Kaminari and Jirou’s wedding was approaching fast and as Kaminari’s only real friend in the city of course Kirishima was invited. He swallowed hard at the thought of going back to the restaurant but it was for his friend. He couldn’t let his friend down so he steeled his nervousness and nodded, of course he would be there.

When the day finally arrived Kirishima took as long as he could deciding how to look, even considered dying his hair back to the bright red it used to be but eventually decided against it. He wasn’t going to attract attention to himself, if anything he was going to try and blend in so he picked out a suit that was attractive enough that Jirou wouldn’t scowl at him but basic enough to not draw attention, got ready and left his house.

By the time he arrived there where quite a few people, Kaminari saw him almost immediately and dragged him over to his fiancee and their friends. “Congrats Jirou, it’s going to be amazing when he can finally stop saying ‘my to be’.” Kirishima told her and laughed alongside her. Kaminari introduced him to his other friends from university and some from his childhood before he was let go, Kirishima took a seat next to a man named Sero, a friend from Kaminari’s university. They engaged in idle conversation, mainly about their respective jobs and trading stories about Kaminari. Kirishima didn’t really have much to share but listening to their adventures and learning just how loud and energetic Kaminari used to be was a treat of it’s own. He was glad that his friend hadn’t changed much, jus’t matured a little and retained that glow he had. Their conversation didn’t last long though as soon the food was served and Kaminari stood up demanding that it was time for toast, Kirishima bit back a laugh as he raised his glass and started on his “101 reasons why Kyouka is the best” list and later forced down the rise of envy when Jirou pulled him down and kissed him to shut him up.

“I’m gonna marry you so you can never leave me.”

“I wasn’t planning on leaving anyway.”

Where was his happy ending, why was he the one destined to suffer and chase after someone who probably had forgotten all about him. Why couldn’t he move on. He felt his eyes stinging as he watched his friend attack his fiancee with kisses, the loud hollering of the other twenty year olds around him thankfully drowned out the drumming of his own heart beat as he watched.

Kirishima was so engulfed in his own thoughts and trying his best to be happy for his friends that he didn’t even notice the smile that grew on a certain pink haired girl as she finally zeroed in on her prey. She slipped away from the serving staff and ran back to the little room where Katsuki was getting ready to go on stage, “He’s here.” she said, out of breath from running so fast.

Katsuki’s face broke out in a nervous smile as he gripped his guitar tight, Mina had told him about the man who came to the restaurant solely to watch him sing. She had also apologized for chasing him away but here he was again, it was Katsuki’s second chance at this and he wouldn’t screw it up. He didn’t even know what the man looked like, what his name was, Mina had refused any information and simply told him to watch for the eyes. Katsuki had no idea what any of what she said meant at any point in time and often had written her off as a nineteen year old who was too smitten with her girlfriend to notice much else but he couldn’t deny the little excitement that was building in his stomach.

He waited until his cue was called and walked out, wincing a little at the unusual bright light. The restaurant was usually dimly lit with just enough light for everyone to comfortably see each other and the food but not bright enough for a stellar selfie.

“It’s the vibe Bakubro, you need to understand these things.” Mina had told him when he asked her about the lighting situation and he had simply shook his head. He had been working at the restaurant for around three years now, he met Shoto Todoroki in university and when he took over his fathers restaurant Katsuki joined him. The two had formed a sort of unlikely friendship, Katsuki would work in the kitchen during the morning and perform at night. He enjoyed his work, it let him sing and cook and still get paid for it and he was always in the company of good people though he would never really tell Mina or Shoto how much he appreciated having them around.

He smiled at the crowd and noticed the to be weds right away, sitting together hands tangled with each other, attached as if even a second away from the other would result in catastrophe. Bakugou smiled, he remembered that kind of a love but that was a long time ago and if he thought about it too much he wouldn’t be able to perform tonight. There would be no sad songs for tonight no matter how tightly the wire wrapped around his heart was pulled.

“Hey everyone, I’m Bakugou Katsuki and I’ll be your entertainment for the night. Congratulations to the happy couple, Kaminari Denki and Jirou Kyouka I hope you have a life of peace and comfort with each other.” He said, pouring as much sincerity into his words as he could. He watched the couple kiss before clapping for the singer and felt that familiar tightness in his chest but pushed it away like he had been doing for years now. He gave the couple a minute to come back to the rest of them before settling down and starting his music.

Kirishima felt like he was going to cry, he knew where the words Katsuki spoke came from. He had at one time wanted to say the same to Katsuki dressed in a white suit of his own but life was cruel and fate was a tricky game to play. He listened to Katsuki sing as he ate his food, sneaking glances at the boy while the others talked. He looked beautiful adorned in a simple red shirt and black pants, there was nothing extravagant about his clothes but he looked like he had stepped fresh out of a fashion magazine with the way his hair fell in his eyes and his silver chains glittered against his lightly tanned skin. Kirishima would forget to breathe if he looked at Katsuki too long but then again he always had trouble breathing around the blonde.

“Okay Kyouka it’s time.” Kaminari called out and stood up. He looked down at his betrothed and stuck out a hand, Kirishima only had time to register the look of panic in Jirou’s eyes and the one of challenge in Kaminari’s before he had pulled her out of her seat and onto the dance floor. “You said you were better than me on the dance floor? Time I prove you wrong.”

Just like that the mood in the restaurant had shifted as Bakugou changed the song and the tempo and Kaminari was spinning Jirou around. Soon people where up and joining in on the fun while Kirishima remained at his table and watched them, he loved dancing but he had loved dancing with Bakugou. He had loved a great many things with Bakugou and he simply did not have the strength to do it without him when he was right there. This didn’t stop Mina though, when she saw the boy remain at his seat she huffed and stalked over to him.

“C’mon don’t be so stuffy.” She said and pulled him out of the chair before he had a chance to protest. Kirishima tried to weasel his way out of the dance but Mina had a strong grip and he didn’t want to make a scene and ruin everyone’s night so he went along with it. Kirishima fell into the rhythm soon enough as Mina took him around the dance floor, practically leading him. He only noticed the song had slowed down when she stepped away and he was left standing point blank in front of the one person he was trying to avoid.

“..i’m still into you.”

As the song finished and the rest of the audience erupted in cheers Kirishima remained frozen in spot, his eyes locked with Katsuki’s. He felt his eyes fill up with tears as realisation spread across Katsuki’s face and his eyes widened at the sight of his first love, his childhood romance, the one who promised he would never leave. It was like time had frozen for the two men as they stood in front of each other and Kirishima was afraid to move. He was afraid that if he made even a fraction of a movement it would all disappear and Kirishima would be back on the floor of his apartment crying into his hands but Katsuki had no such fear.

He moved, he got up and he moved but before he could even get off the stage Kirishima had started to run. He backed away from the crowd, who by now where all staring at the two men, and ran out of the restaurant, forgetting everything else. The only thought that occupied his mind was to get away, he had to get away, he had to leave or the dream would be shattered. The fantasy would be broken, so he ran.

Katsuki on the other hand was left standing in front of his own stage, bewildered guests and a giggling Mina watching him for his next move. He blinked once, twice, trying to understand whether what he had seen was real or not.

“Hey man you okay?” Came a voice from his side, Katsuki whipped around to see the groom himself wearing a worried expression on his face.

“I-yeah. Oh god I’m so sorry.” He started, unable to believe that he just ruined their weddings rehearsal dinner. He bowed deeply and apologised over and over, completely going against his nature but this was someone’s wedding he had wrecked an he felt the guilt eat him up from the inside.

“Chill, it’s okay. Do you know Kiri?” Kaminari asked, patting the singer on the side of his arm.

The name sent chills through Katsuki’s body, he opened his mouth to respond but it was dry. Too dry so he closed his lips, swallowed and tried again, “Y-yeah. Kirishima and I went to school together. We were, we were friends.” he said, the word sounded hoarse in his mouth. It sounded wrong and out of place. Kirishima was never just his friend, he was so much more but how was he supposed to encompass years of admiration and adoration into a single word.

“Hmm, listen why don’t we get a drink? Kyo I’ll be back in a bit okay?” Kaminari called out and his fiancee nodded at him, offering a reassuring smile.

Kaminari led the still disoriented blonde to the bar and sat down with him, mentally preparing for whatever he was going to hear. Kaminari acted aloof, he pretended he didn’t see the longing looks Kirishima had sent towards the singer the first time they came here, he pretended he didn’t see the way Kirishima’s heart cracked when Kaminari was with Jirou but what happened on the dance floor. The way the song had come to an almost abrupt end, the intensity that followed when the two men locked eyes and especially the way Kirishima raced out the door. It really wasn’t something he could ignore anymore so he ordered two glasses of whiskey and got ready to listen.

Kirishima was hunched over his toilet seat as he puked up whatever he had eaten, seeing Katsuki, having Katsuki see him was too much. He had collapsed into his own home and made a beeline to the washroom, throwing open the door and expelling anything and everything that was in his stomach. Once he was done he slumped onto the marble floor, exhausted and sweaty. Katsuki had seen him, he had seen him, he had recognised him.

Eventually Kirishima dragged himself off the floor and stripped himself bare. He sat on the floor of his bathtub for what felt like an hour until the hot water started pruning his skin. He walked out and wrapped a towel around his waist, before he could leave Kirishima caught a glance of himself in the mirror and flinched. He hadn’t realised how tired he had become or how deep his dark circles had gone, he didn’t realise how skinny he had let himself become despite running in the mornings. His mouth tasted horrible and he looked like a reanimated corpse with all the concealer from earlier washed off. Kirishima splashed water in his face again and sighed deep, his hands pressed against the counter. He took a deep breath. This couldn’t go on, he couldn’t continue being so pathetically lost, chasing after someone who had given him up. Chasing after a dream that was long dead and gone. He picked up his tooth brush and began brushing at his teeth ferociously as thought attacking the germs would somehow remove what was deeper inside. Hot fresh tears fell from his eyes as he brushed but he refused to stop. Kirishima brushed his teeth until the tears stopped falling.

The bell rang just as he was changing, he turned to his bedroom door, eyebrows perked wondering who it could possibly be. He had already texted Kaminari and informed him that he was okay, just felt a little sick and didn’t want to ruin the party for everyone else and he had responded almost immediately. Had the other man really come to check on him? It was much too early for him to leave his own wedding party and if Kaminari really had followed him back home he was going to be positively eaten alive by guilt.

Kirishima walked to the door, his shirt lay forgotten on the bed as he walked to the door to open it and he regretted it the minute he opened it. If Kirishima had been just a little faster he probably could have slammed the door, he could have slammed the door and hid in his room until the other person went away but he wasn’t fast enough.

Katsuki anticipated this so he slipped a foot in between the door the minute it was opened, he winced when the door slammed against his foot but refused to move it. He wouldn’t mess up a second time, he wouldn’t loose him again.

“Eiji please.”

Kirishima closed his eyes as his breathing got faster, he was hiding behind his door. He couldn’t see him, he wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t prepared in any manner for this confrontation but what was he to do. Bakugou was standing on the other side, refusing to let him go so what exactly was he supposed to do other than let him in. He couldn’t exactly leave the other boy stranded out in the cold and if knew Kirishima knew anything about Bakugou it was that he was stubborn. He would wait outside and make himself sick until Kirishima let him in so he steadied himself, forced his hands to stop shaking and opened the door.

Kirishima opened the door and turned around, he didn’t want to look at him, wanted to go on pretending for however long he could so he didn’t look, he didn’t even acknowledge him and went straight for the couch. He took a seat on one side, eyes still trained on the ground as if he would miss the secrets of the universe if he looked away.

“Eiji…” Katsuki started, his voice soft and reserved like he was scared of what he was saying. Like if he spoke too loud or said something wrong everything would evaporate, Kirishima would disappear and he would be alone again so he swallowed deep and steadied his own hands before speaking again. “Eiji…” he started but stopped short, “fuck I don’t know what to say.” he whispered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Kirishima let out a small laugh, slapping his hands over his mouth when he realised but that seemed to be enough for some of the tension in the room to deflate. Katsuki took a seat on the other side of the couch, waiting for Kirishima to say something, waiting for him to at least look at him but nothing came so started again, “Eijirou I’m sorry.”

Kirishima nearly snapped his neck with the speed at which he turned to look at the other man, he didn’t know what exactly he was expecting. Maybe a confrontation, an angry Katsuki Bakugou demanding to know why he was being stalked, something but definitely not this. He didn’t expect an apology so when his eyes locked with the others he forgot to feel nervous.

“I know I’m about six years too late but I’m sorry for calling you the underdog, for dismissing your passions. I know I should never have let you walk away from that. Never should stopped fighting, I’m sorry I let you give up on us, walk away fro-” Katsuki couldn’t finish what he was saying though because within seconds Kirishima had tackled him to the ground.

“I GAVE UP? I WALKED AWAY?” He yelled as his grip tightened on the boys collar. Not even five minutes into seeing each other and they were back in twelfth grade, inches away from each other with Kirishima pinning Katsuki to the ground, anger and betrayal blazing in his eyes.

“I was not the one who threw everything away, I was not the one who refused to get help or listen, I was not the one who broke a lamp because someone else flirted, because someone else spread a rumour. I did not give up on us, you did. You gave up before we even had a chance to be saved.” He spat out, everything he’s been wanting to say piling to the top of his throat but the tears in his eyes had become too much.

He couldn’t see anymore, the water that had pooled in his eyes and was blocking his vision. He knew that if he opened his mouth again all that would come out would be sobs so he stayed quiet.

It was quiet for a while as the tears fell from his eyes and landed on Katsuki’s cheeks, they felt like acid burning through the years and years of denial he had built. He looked up at the other man, his eyes wide in shock as he finally, finally realised just what he had done all those years ago. Katsuki couldn’t find anything to say, he couldn’t find his voice so he did the only thing he knew how to, he pulled Kirishima in and wrapped his arms around the other man.

He tensed for a minute as Kirishima’s hands remained at his collar but within seconds his hands had slipped from Bakugou’s collar down to his chest. Kirishima tucked his head in the crook of Katsuki’s neck and let the tears come freely. He didn’t know why and he didn’t know what he was feeling all he knew was that Bakugou’s hands felt like home and he had been searching for far too long.

They stayed like that for longer than either one expected, Kirishima eventually falling asleep in Bakugou’s hold but he didn’t budge until he finally heard the little snores from the other man. Bakugou realised too late what had happened and a smile crept onto his face so he repositioned the other man so he could left him up and carried him to the bedroom. Bakugou placed him, gently on the bed and lingered for a minute. His hand ghosted the skin on Kirishima’s face, not daring to touch him, too scared that he would ruin it. He would ruin his peace again if he touched, if he even took a wrong breath everything would shatter and the sleeping man would be awake and afraid again. He stayed there and watched his chest rise and fall, watched the way his nostrils would flutter when he breathed and smiled to himself. A smiled that was so secret, tucked away only for the person who held his heart.

The snow began to fall as he watched his lover and soon enough the streets would be blanketed in white. Soon enough they would be stuck inside with the warmth of the house and the other, soon enough the universe would play it’s final card and maybe love really does find it’s way back. Katsuki slept on the couch that day, he couldn’t bare the thought of leaving, of travelling back to his own apartment, the empty bed and the cold tiles. He couldn’t leave when Kirishima was this close so he wrapped himself tighter in his coat and fell asleep on the couch.

Kirishima woke up to a cold room and a warm blanket tickling his nose, he blinked and looked around as memories flooded his brain but nothing seemed to match. He was alone in his bedroom, the door cracked just a little, he was dressed in his own clothes and there was no sign of a fiery blonde in his home. He sat up and rubbed his head wondering if he had somehow dreamt up everything that had occurred the night before. It couldn’t be, he couldn’t have dreamt up the pain that rose in his chest, he couldn’t have dreamt the feeling of Bakugou’s arms wrapped around him. He just couldn’t have fucking dreamt any of that, it had to be real.

And it was. A few steps into his living room proved that he didn’t make any of it up, that it was real because there, asleep on his couch was Bakugou Katsuki with his blonde hair flat against his forehead and winter coat wrapped tight around him. Kirishima sucked in a breath and stumbled back inside his room, not that it was real he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to talk, he could now, all the things he had wanted to say came to him at once, he could finally talk but fear gripped his heart like it always does. The iron clad fist that curled around his strength and courage anytime he thought of contacting Katsuki was back.

Kirishima clenched his fists and grunted, he pressed his forehead against the wall and slammed his fist against it, over and over until the roaring in his ears finally stopped and when he opened his eyes again Katsuki was standing there worry dripping from his eyes.

“Good morning.” Kirishima said, straightening himself to look the other man in the eye.

“I-uh good morning Eiji-” he started but was cut off but Kirishima’s hand in front of his face.

“Kirishima. You call me Kirishima.” he said and turned around to pick up a discarded t-shirt from the chair. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah… okay Kirishima, let’s eat.” he said, his nails pressed against his skin to quell the heartache at the other mans words.

Kirishima wordlessly walked out of the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen, he could feel Bakugou walking behind him. He felt the energy that followed, he knew being told to call Kirishima Kirishima had struck him close to home but it was okay. Kirishima didn’t have the strength to hear his name play on Katsuki’s tongue so lovingly, he didn’t have a strong enough resolve to hear the way he called his name and not immediately jump into his arms.

Kirishima took out a pack of sliced bread and jam from his fridge, “what do you want?”

“Anything is fine.”

He nodded and went back to what he was doing, Kirishima would not let Bakugou bulldoze the conversation. He would not fall back into problematic patterns, he would be in control. He repeated these words in his mind over and over again while he toasted the bread and spread jam on the four slices. He made coffee for both the men, regretfully remembering the way Bakugou liked it.

Bakugou noticed and bit the inside of his mouth so as not to smile.

“What are you doing here?” Kirishima asked finally as he placed the food and drink on the kitchen counter. He leaned against it, standing opposite from Bakugou as he ate his toast and waited for a reply.

“I work here, at Shoto’s. Singing and cooking, it’s a pretty decent gig, we met in University…” he trailed off as he watched Kirishima’s expression tighten, “Not what you wanted to hear got it. Uh shit I don’t know Ei- Kirishima, I saw you at the restaurant and my first instinct was to chase you. Fuck I half thought you where a fever dream I cooked up until your friend explained that you were in fact real and well I don’t know how could I not follow.”

Kirishima watched Bakugou as he spoke, noticed the way his body tensed up and his face became unbearably sad. If Kirishima wasn’t yelling at himself to keep it together he probably would have caved and taken Bakugou in his arms again but he stood still and he listened.

“I haven’t seen you in so long Kirishima, you dipped like two days after graduation. Hell I didn’t even know you had gone until lzuku told me.”

“Izuku?” Kirishima interrupted him surprised that Bakugou had actually used Midoriya’s first name instead of the cruel nickname he had for the boy throughout their lives. He watched Bakugou’s face flush and his hand shot up to rake through his hair before he replied.

“Ah yeah, Izu and I patched things up. He helped me a lot after we um, after we ended. Our families get together a few times a year. He’s getting married next year.” Bakugou finished, embarrassment clear on his face.

“How unexpected, I suppose you have grown up Bakugou.” Kirishima said as he finished off his bread. “Why did you follow me?”

“Fuck Kiri I had to, I couldn’t let you go again. I know I fucked up back then, I know I did everything wrong and pushed you away. I know I didn’t deserve you then but I’ve worked on it every day since. I went to therapy Kiri, I found someone who specializes in adolescent anger issues and got help. I patched things up with Izuku, I made friends, real ones in University, one of them is even my boss now. I changed Kirishima I really have and I did every single thing with the hopes that I’d find you again someday. I’ll admit in the last year that hope had faded but it was still worth it, I changed because of you.” He said and took a deep shaky breath, Kirishima could see how difficult this was. Apologising, laying his emotions out in the open had always been difficult for Baugou but he was doing it. Kirishima could see the change clear as day.

“Because I never wanted to hurt you, you’re the last person in the world I wanted to hurt but all I did was hurt you and put you through so much pain while you stayed. God fucking dammit you always stayed with me. You stayed right next to me through everything and I’m so fucking sorry.” He said and moved around the counter to stand next to Kirishima. He took the boys surprisingly cold hands in his own and spoke again, voice quiet as a whisper, “I’m sorry Eijirou, please let me prove to you I deserve you now.”

Kirishima felt his defences fall as warning bells rang in his head, looking at Bakugou so close, begging to give him another chance all Kirishima wanted to do was claim him. To pull the blonde in and kiss him and ask him a thousand times over to stay this time but something held him back. The memories of all the struggle, of all the fights and difference in opinions remained like a sour taste in his mouth.

He removed his hands from Bakugou’s hold and took the dishes to the sink.

“I can’t do this again Bakugou, you hurt me. I gave you everything, my trust, my heart, I let you into all my insecurities and laid it all bare for you and then you had the nerve to throw it back in my face. You broke things, you yelled and caused a scene when anyone would even do so much as look at me. I can’t do that again Bakugou, I’m an adult man, I have a job, I have a life.” Kirishima said and stopped, he hadn’t dared to look at Bakugou yet afraid of what he would see but if he didn’t now he would never be able to so he turned around before speaking again, “I have too much self respect to be pushed around by you again.”

Kirishima locked eyes with the other man and watched as his face fell, watched as realisation washed over him and he stepped back. He stood still for a minute, eyes downcast and when he finally looked up they where filled to the brim with unshed tears.

“I’m so sorry Kirishima. I’m so fucking sorry. God I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry..” he continued like that, mumbling, repeating his apologies as the tears spilled and his hands clutched at his shirt. Bakugou had realised many things, he had fixed and grown past many things but he had never even in his worst of nightmares imagined that he had hurt Kirishima so much and the knowledge was too much.

Kirishima wanted to console the other man, he wanted to tell him that he accepted the apology and it would be okay and they could start over. It was killing him to not do anything but he didn’t move for the millionth time that day. He watched for a little while longer until his heart got the better of him and he walked forward. Kirishima took Bakugou’s hands in his own, holding them so softly as if too strong a grip would break the blonde in two.

“Thank you. It’s okay. I’m not the same person I was back then and I don’t think you are either. It’s okay.” He said and ducked his head a little to look the other man in the eyes. “You’re okay.”

A few hours later and the two where seated on the couch, on opposite ends from each other as they filled each other in on their lives after high school. Katsuki had gone on to study cooking much to his parents dismay but he enjoyed it. It helped him keep calm and his therapist thought it was ideal for his explosive tendencies. He met Shoto at university and they had made plans to work together after University was over, Katsuki had never wanted to own a restaurant, he didn’t want to deal with all the politics and business that came with it so he took on the official title as chef. He had a few boyfriends after Kirishima but none had felt right, none had been able to see Bakugou the way Kirishima could. Kirishima would be lying if he said he stomach didn’t flutter hearing those words.

“Will you come to the restaurant tomorrow?” Bakugou asked as he stepped out of the apartment, ready to leave.

Kirishima pursed his lips and held the mans gaze as he thought it over and nodded, “I’ll be there.”

“Sit up front this time.” Bakugou said and smiled at him before leaving.

[mcchipisfried]

DEArtfest Day 10 - Sickfic

Okay small warning because this has angst. I kinda struggled with the prompt but I hope it's okay?

.

.

.

Gavin was having the best fucking day ever. No really. This was the best day he has had in who knows how many fucking years. It was fantastic. Except for the part where he couldn’t really taste anything he ate. And the coughing. And the huge amounts of tissue paper that he had accumulated around himself. But other than that he could honestly describe himself as the luckiest bastard on Earth.

Gavin Reed caught a cold. He showed symptoms of this the night before and when he found himself waking up the next day, feeling like more of a shit than usual, a raspy throat, and the urge to just lay down and die, he knew he wouldn’t be going into work. Objectively speaking, his day had started out being pretty shitty but after a few phone calls to the precinct and a few texts to Nines, he found himself with three days off from work and a very caring yet very distressed android barging into his room like he was two seconds away from passing out.

“Gavin are you okay!?” Nines yelled as he barged into Gavin’s room only to find him sitting up on his bed, wrapped up in blankets like an old Russian woman, while scrolling through his phone. He quickly looked up and smiled at Nines.

When he texted Nines that he wouldn’t be coming into work for a couple of days and received a response informing him that he would be there in a few minutes, he found himself to be ecstatic at the idea of spending a lazy day with Nines. He wouldn’t even feel guilty since he knew Nines wouldn’t be able to get sick so he looked forward to Nines coming over.

What he didn’t expect though was to be coddled by an overprotective android who would scan him every five minutes to make sure he wasn’t worsening. Nor was he expecting to get told off for taking better care of himself while also getting to see Nines make him soup that would hopefully keep him warm and help in his recovery.

Gavin would deny this to the ends of time but he was honestly very happy with how the situation turned out. He rarely had anyone in his life that actually cared enough about him to take care of him for long periods of time so to get Nines as his now personal nurse, who at the moment would do anything he asked if he made himself sound just a tad bit pathetic was honestly amazing. Even though he would keep telling Nines that he was fine and this was common for humans only to get responses telling him to shush so that he could get better sooner. If it was up to him he’d honestly rather be sick for the rest of the week if it meant he’d get to have Nines this worried and caring, not that he wasn’t but there was a notable difference in how when Gavin tried to start to banter with Nines he’d just simply nod his head and smile.

This began to make his day not so perfect.

.

.

.

Nines was having the worst day ever. Arriving early to the precinct to make sure his paperwork was turned in on time, patiently waiting for Gavin to show up, into finding out he would not be coming into work because he was sick quickly spiraled his normal day into the worst one he’s had in quite awhile.

Finding out his partner was sick was bad enough but to then also realize that hey, your partner is Gavin Reed, notorious for being on the brink of death from sleep deprivation and hunger 24/7, so in his mind, no matter how advanced, the thought of Gavin even remotely being sick was enough to imagine him in a hospital bed with tubes and needles and a silent heart monitor-

No.

No. He knew he was overreacting. He knew that colds typically only last a couple of days with the proper medication, enough sleep, and warm meals for the person to get back to their normal healthy self. But he also knew how careless Gavin was with his health. Even more so with his safety. He was brave and strong for a human, who would throw himself into any fight, guns blazing, so long as he got the job done. Moments like these, when Gavin would get hurt or get sick he would be reminded of his mortality. He wasn’t an android who could be rebuilt and updated over and over. He was a human who, if not taken care of properly, would disappear. He was much like a firecracker, with a very specific time limit and easily blown out. Nines feared that if he didn’t protect Gavin from the wind, he’d burn out. Forever.

Nines tried to treat Gavin like he usually would but it was hard because every time he did his scanners would show his partner, sick, burning up, with an increased heart rate, and even without his scanners he could see Gavin, feeling cold and tired. So very tired, that if he were to fall asleep he might just never wake up again.

Gavin looked at Nines, he’d been quiet for awhile now, spending the whole day taking care of Gavin and even going as far as to clean the apartment just to give him something to do. He wouldn’t look at Gavin and that worried him more than anything else.

“Hey Tin Can, what's wrong?” Gavin asked. Nines slowly turned to look at him, surprised at the question but quickly brushed it off.

“Nothing is wrong, Detective. Did you need something else? I could make you some tea, if you’d like. I heard it does wonders for sore throats.” Nines said, already getting up from the bed where he had been sitting next to Gavin. 

Nines wasn’t looking at him. He wasn’t looking at Gavin. And that scared him. He quickly reached out to grasp Nines’ hand before he got too far and turned to look at Gavin.

“Nines cut the bullshit, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you okay?” Gavin desperately asked. Nines’ throat closed up. Gavin was the one who was sick and here he was still worried about Nines. How selfish of him, to make Gavin worry like this.

Nines smiled politely and gently took his hand out of Gavin’s and shook his head. 

“Nothing is wrong, Gavin”

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

This caught Nines by surprise and he realized he wasn’t looking at Gavin but instead at his hand. Gavin sighed and brought his hand to his lap

“Nines you gotta tell me when something’s wrong. I can’t just scan you and know everything. You have to talk to me, because that’s what partners are supposed to do and isn’t that what we are?” Gavin asked hoping Nines would lift his gaze. He did. And Gavin’s heart tore when he saw the look on Nines’ face.

He looked like he was about to fall apart. He looked scared and sad. So very sad. Too sad. In Gavin’s mind, he never wished to see Nines like that ever again so he jumped up from the bed and brought him into his arms. Nines collapsed into him and they both fell onto the bed, with Gavin holding on to Nines, not letting go.

“I can’t bear to see you like this, Gavin. Every time I look at you my scanner shows me distressed signs that you are sick and not okay. It reminds me that I could lose you to an illness or that you could die on the job and it feels like I can't do anything to protect you from it. I’m one of the most advanced androids ever made and I still can’t even do what I want. Not as a slave to CyberLife or as a deviant!” Nines sobbed into Gavin’s chest, heaving from the roller coaster of emotions that spilled out of him.

Gavin buried his face into Nines’ shoulder, holding him as close as possible. He tried to not think about his future with Nines too often since it usually ended with him imagining leaving Nines alone either from old age or his own stupidity.

“I’m so sorry Nines. I wish I wasn’t...this. I can’t promise you that I won’t get sick again or that I won’t get hurt but I can promise you that I’ll take care of myself” Gavin pulled Nines away from him and forced him to look into his eyes.

“I’ll stop smoking. And drinking. I’ll exercise more, because God knows there's no way in hell I’m letting myself look like Hank” Gavin said, which made Nines laugh. But only a little.

“I’ll be more careful on the job. I can’t control the cases I get but I can be better. And I think you're forgetting that I’m partnered with one of the most advanced android ever created. I’m basically invisible and can only be stopped by my ever growing back pains.” Gavin dramatized his words, resulting in Nines giving him a hearty laugh. This is what Nines should look like. 

He finally looked at Gavin. Really looked at him and kissed him.

“Thank you, Gavin.” Nines said, after breaking the kiss. Slowly coming to lay down next to Gavin. He let Gavin take him into his arms once more and let him take care of him because that's what partners do. They take care of each other.

“Anytime, Tin Can.”

.

.

.

Okay that's it! Hope you guys liked it!