#and it felt so isolating and i dont feel like i got that uni experience

[suhnshinehaos]

me vs the urge to start a vlogging channel in an attempt to romanticize my 20s 🥲

[officialkendallroy]

hi! you study social work? sorry for bothering but i've been meaning to major in social work so is it alright to ask if could you share your experience? is it time consuming, is it difficult mentally or emotionally since it is such a demanding field... etc etc just ur thoughts& opinions if you want to :)

hello!! yes i study social work, im currently in my fifth semester!! honestly i like it. you get insights in many different fields and you learn many different things which i think is great!! i like that you get a bit of psych here and law there and sociology and politics and education etc. it's a broad field and i love that you can later on completely change your field!! idk in which country or at what uni youre wanting to major at but im studying social work at a small uni in east germany so it's probably a bit different to other unis. for me it's not really time consuming tbh, im pretty lazy and sometimes dont do my workload but im always able to get up to date and pass my classes with good grades with like minimum efford. most of my classes are based on group works and doing readings and stuff and then at the end we're having to either write a paper about the class' topic or write an exam, so here we have no midterms and stuff, just one exam at the end. i think that is making the whole thing a bit easier as well. i mean sure there are classes that require that you actively work and contribute to the class but not all of them do!! i mean ive been online studying since my second semester which kinda ruined the whole uni experience for me and isolated me and shit and made me go crazy and be really unhappy but in my first semester which was still at uni, it was really nice!! im really hoping that in 3 weeks we're gonna be (partly) at uni again bc having actual classes also is important for social work i guess. you cant become a social worker without being social with your fellow students, you know what i mean?

it is very mentally and emotionally challenging tho... in my third semester i had to do a internship (i did it in the children and youth wellfare field) and oof. i think i just got unlucky bc the internship absolutely sucked ass and i felt literally so unhappy for like 6 months at a time bc my boss there absolutely hated me and lowkey bullied me and shit, it was a lot, but im definitely going in a different direction later on!! so this shit wont happen again. all in all i just think im not gonna fit into that type of youth wellfare work (it's was group work with like troubled teens and stuff) so im definitely gonna work in a different field. but i think if you find something that fills you with joy and something you actually like, it's a good field to work in.

i think social work is a great major if youre up to working and interacting with diffenent ppl!! please dont do this if you dont like working with ppl bc........ that could truly be harmful for not only you but also the clients youre in contact with!! i think it's great that you learn so many things from different fields and you'll get lots of knowledge and stuff. but it is challenging. it's gonna be a really mentally draining job i feel like bc having constantly deal with peoples problems is a lot. the payment (at least here in germany) is absolute bullshit for the work load you have. you dont get much recognition from ppl bc youre not a doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist... youre just a silly little social worker. definitely keep that in mind!!

for myself im definitely doing a masters degree and im hoping to get a "higher ranking" job at a youth wellfare office or the health department or something. that is my personal goal and im working for that.

all in all i think if youre up for interacting with lots of different ppl and if youre up for learning a lot of different things it's gonna be great! also i think the major is definitely more easy compared to like psych or sociology and stuff!! also there are so many different places you can work at, from like youth wellfare offices to health departments to big brands like audi and stuff who employ social workers as well!! im glad i choose to do social work tbh bc i know no matter what im gonna be employed and gonna live a secure life later on (which was very important to me bc i grew up in financially unstable conditions and im still to this day living in poverty which sucks and which i wanna get out of!!)

[aizawa-needs-coffee]

Hi!! Could I have a matchup please? I'm 18, pronouns she/her, I'm fine w any gender though I have a preference for males

If its of any relevance, physically I'm about 5'8 tall and on the chubby side, green eyes, brown hair (with blonde streaks) and I wear glasses

If you're into astrology/ mbti, I am a Sagittarius w both moon and rising in Cancer and I'm INFP

So I'm quite emotional lol. Usually very in touch with my emotions and quite perceptive of other's feelings as well. I have a huge saviours complex especially when it comes to feelings (i love helping others figure out their feelings, being a shoulder to cry on or even offering comforting hugs) but I try my best to keep it control cause I don't wanna be suffocating

On the outside I'd say I'm fairly organized, I keep my room clean and all of that, I'm a lil bit of a perfectionist but mentally I'm all over the place. I tend to get carried away by thoughts and emotions and end up procrastinating a lot; anxiety makes it all worse. In short, I suck at time management

To most people I may seem quiet and reserved but I actually really enjoy talking to people; I'm really insecure about not being funny or interesting enough tho. Around my friends I'm more relaxed but still have moments of self doubt

I can also be quite obsessive. If something really catches my interest I won't stop until I search all there is to know about it. For example I watched bnha, read the manga, the spin offs etc all in less than a month and now I'm indulging in fanart and fanfics because I need m o r e c o n t e n t hsbsb. I'm also that kind of person that listens to a new song they like on repeat until they hate it. Speaking of music, I can't say I have a taste lol. My fave genres are rock, pop and indie but I hear smth I like, I listen to it, whether its "high quality" music, basic or weird. Lately I've been listening to a lot of epicore which is literally the type of music thats used in fantasy and sci fi movies askfkdk

I like expressing myself through writing, singing and dancing but I really can't say I'm talented at either of those, it's all in good fun. I also enjoy reading (fiction, non-fic books bore me like hell; my fave genres are fantasy, sci fi and crime) but I haaate literature in school. I'm actually a bit of a math nerd and this year I'm starting uni, studying computer science!! Oh! I've also taken drama classes for 2 years (despite the fear I loved being on stage and plan on starting again once I'm done w the baccalaureate), I love playing D&D and while I woulnd't quite call myself a gamer, I love role playing video games. I'm also almost always down for any kind of multiplayer video games w friends although I have no experience

I'm not a sportive person, I go on walks or do a few exercises every now and then at home but I'm willing to try stuff out like a new sport or going to the gym w an s/o. I do plan on starting self defense classes soon and maybe taking up sword fighting (I love swords hehe)

Tbh I've never been in a relationship so I'm not really sure how I would act w an s/o, nor what I'm exactly looking for. I best express my affection through physical touch tho and that includes my friends so I'd like someone who isn't bothered or can get used to that (s/o would still receive the most hugs/ cuddles etc). I'm not that comfortable w the other love languages for friends and family, but I think I'd be a lot more eager to express my love through them for s/o. If I'm on the receiving end, my weakness is still physical touch :)) but I also need words of affirmation every now and then cause insecurities 🌠 and while I wouldn't ask for anything, especially objects, I am a hoarder and I'd keep any kind of gift like its a national treasure simply bc its from someone I love.

In addition, it doesn't really matter if s/o is more on the emotional or rational side a long as they dont invalidate my feelings; it angers me a lot and makes me feel even more insecure. I tend to isolate when I'm really really upset about something so I need a lil bit of pushing to talk abt it; I'm open to talk abt my feelings but I need the verbal confirmation that they care and wanna help, its not just cause they're being nice

Wow that is a lot of rambling jeez ajsjsjs sorry. Thank you so much if you've read throught that all and ty for the match up!!

Me and my wife literally having a ten minute debate on who we’d pair you with before I made my choice. Thanks for all the details and I hope you enjoy the match up!

I match you with Sero

I feel he’s outgoing and extroverted enough to help you with your anxiety and always reassure you that you are good at things and he does love you, he’s also so chill and laid back that even if you were clingy he’d not mind, he’d embrace it, his chill nature would help balance you. He would help you feel grounded and have a ‘you don’t have to do it all now’ attitude but would happily help you out. You need help going to the store? He remembers the list you wrote, having trouble fitting in lunch while you study? He’ll come to your door with pizza.

He’s determined and outgoing but isn’t aggressively positive and loud either which I think is why I picked him over Kirishima for you.

+++

“Hey babe, whatcha reading?” Sero asked sitting next to you on the sofa, he handed you a soda which you gratefully took, not looking up from your laptop screen.

As soon as he was sat down comfortably your hand grabbed his, clasping your fingers together as you managed to tear your gaze away from the Wikipedia page which was still open. You blinked up at him and shook your head.

“Oh just something I learned about today and wanted to do some.. extra reading” you explained.

He nodded his head and drank his soda watching as your face lit up as you started to ramble about the topic, he didn’t really know much about it but the way you told him about everything, the way you happily expressed your interest towards the topic made him happy. He gave you his big grin when you finished.

“Sorry, I rambled..” You felt bad, you always felt nervous when you info dumped on people.

“Nah, it’s cool, I didn’t mind at all” he brought your hand up to his face and gave it a kiss, your face flushed at the gentle gesture which caused Sero to laugh playfully.

“Well, if your sure… I just wanted something to take my mind off chores”.

“It’s the weekend, you don’t have to rush anyway.. and if you don’t feel better by tomorrow I can help, you can wash the dishes and I’ll dry?” he suggested still peppering kisses on the back of your hand before you set your laptop down and crawled closer to him.

You nodded softly, that sounded a lot more manageable, you felt your anxiety settle down from a raging nagging feeling to something easier to tolerate. He was such a good influence on you. Sero set down his drink and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer to his chest.

“The guys want to come over and say hi later, maybe get pizza… but I can tell them not tonight if you aren’t feeling it… maybe you can play that new game you got? I liked watching you play the other night” He suggested as he nuzzled your head, enjoying how your hair felt on his face.

“Maybe… can I give you an answer later?”

“Yeah, no rush babe”

You smiled softly feeling the lanky boy kiss the side of your head and listened as you carried on talking about the trivia of your current interest.

[wkemeup]

I used to work with a girl who went to Arcadia fro photography! She absolutely hated it, unfortunately. She said it was dull, so I assume she didn’t take advantage of the study abroad opportunity, lol. But I do know something who went to Boston Uni and she loved it!

& That’s amazing what you studied! I had to take lots of psych and sociology classes in undergrad and absolutely fell in love, but it was not my major. I hope in the future I’ll get to go back to school and get a psych degree and do something in the clinical field. I had always dreamed of doing that, and people always told me I should go into psychotherapy, which I would like to pursue one day. I had bigger dreams of pursuing filmmaking and music production, so that’s where I got my degrees. But I think it’s incredible that you’re a therapist now!! How are you liking it so far?

Also, shout out to that anon from Rochester! Wegmans gang represent ✊

-🦕

I forgot to mention—that’s so cool that you studied abroad in Scotland! I used to live in Europe, so I visited Edinburgh and Glasgow a few times, and it was a lovely experience every time! The people there were so friendly and inviting it was such a stark contrast to many other places in the world, especially the U.S. Everywhere you go in Scotland, people really want to come up and have a genuine conversation with you! In every pub I went to, no one had their phones out, and everyone wanted to simply have a drink with you and talk for hours. I’m quite the self-proclaimed asocial introvert, but it actually felt like a very welcoming and non-threatening environment! To be fair, it was sort of exhausting, but so worth it. I think a lot of people can learn a lot from this culture!! -🦕

Yeah honestly if I could go back now, I would have chosen a different school. It was super small and isolated in a small town. I loved my professors though. But at the time I was way more insecure and spent a lot of my first two years feeling really depressed and lonely so I dont think I could have emotionally handled a big school. The person I am now would have loved a giant school with the football games and the college town atmosphere. But oh well, can't go backwards.

I think I do like therapy for the most part. It's super stressful just given the specific population I work with. I'm at a community clinic so I see the most severely mentally ill people out there. It's tough to see progress and feel like I'm making a difference because unfortunately most of my patients either don't have the insight to know they're sick, won't take their medications, are court mandated, and end up in the hospital every few weeks because they're too psychotic. It's been tough. But I don't plan to stay in this job forever and I"m hoping to eventually move to something where I can do real therapy work. Right now it feels more like I'm just checking for safety and moving on with most of my patients.

Film making and music production sounds incredible though! I sometimes wish I had done something more in the line of production or screen writing.

As for Scotland, I loved the country itself. I was able to do a lot of traveling while I was there too which was incredible. I remember just being super intimidated by everyone there lol but again this was also during my super insecure years so I didn't really put myself out there either.

[grimmshood]

hi everyone im about to drop more writing. since i dont trust bhvr with anything the closest im getting to writing my own tome for jake is this. cw father mentions for a large portion, also i project a lot.

JAKE PARK: THE TOME-INING

A: Identity

Growing up, Jake Park had the unique experience of being, almost, a minority within a minority. The unique circumstances of his father’s birth led to his raising his sons so that they would stay in touch with God and with the family ancestry, no matter where they were.

Jake knew he had an aunt who lived in Karachi. He knew that his grandmother was a Pakistani migrant, his grandfather hailed from Itaewon. His father hadn’t gotten the opportunity to get very close to his Pakistani heritage, but he had been raised Muslim and almost lost his way. He insisted that Jake and Andrew be better than this.

Due to a promising job opportunity, the Parks moved to the United States, first Texas and then Maryland. Jake’s parents wanted their sons to thrive in this environment, so they let American culture be prioritized in their heads. His mother made sure that they would always be in touch with their heritage though, and spoke with them in both Korean and English. His father made attempts to teach the two Urdu (this did not last long) but managed to teach both how to read Arabic. 

Jake had always known he was different, but he never truly realized just how much he’d felt it until he started high school. In his 9th grade year, he had truly become invested in the faces behind the music that kept him going for years, and seeing their free actions, gender nonconforming appearances, and varying styles (however ugly) first made him think that he was attracted to them. He’d thought they were beautiful, handsome, the perfect people.

It took a while for him to realize that he dreamed about BEING them- in the process he found that the way other girls looked at him would do something to his head, that he enjoyed being put to work with the boys, that he liked getting attention from the other girls, even if it was when they were making fun of his dark clothing, mannerisms and how he always had his nose in some kind of instructional manual.

It takes a year, but Jake realizes that there’s an appeal to masculinity, but he hates the concept of trying to actually be a man. He doesn’t want to be a man, and frankly he doesn’t want the attention of men either. When he starts doing his homework and trying to figure out what this is he’s feeling, it all clicks.

When Jake tries to explain being trans masculine to his parents, on top of being a lesbian, his mother does not understand but tries her best to support him. His father is distraught, but does not take action. Jake is still his son no matter the terms he prefers and the people he likes, even if his father does not want to accept that reality.

His parents have wondered if Jake’s identity issues came from his growing up autistic and bullied for his mannerisms - but neither will accept that as a reason. Neither does he-  Jake’s special interest in engineering and post apocalypse practices are just aspects of him, his quiet demeanor and semi verbal behaviours are no real problem. He’s been masking for years, but when he leaves for the woods he finds he doesn’t have to do that anymore, and he can go days without saying a single word, just stimming with his knife and the textures of the trees and his camp throughout his daily routine.

B: Family Relations

Jake Park has never been considered average, and never will be.

He grew up in the shadow of his brother Andrew Park- something he didn’t mind until it was too late. He and Andrew were once very close- Jake used to love his older brother above all and relied on him for everything from friends to sharing his emotional pains.

This only lasted insofar as his father would allow it.

Mr. Park has always been insistent on the academic prowess of his children, and doing everything he can to make them as successful as possible. Where Andrew is dedicated to studying and reaching that goal as well, Jake finds he doesn’t need to study because everything comes so easy, at the cost of his constant changing attention span and desire to do literally anything else. 

As a result, Jake’s stuck alone- he doesn’t want to upset his brother, of course. He supports his brother and would love to see him do well, but that means letting him sit alone and study all day. Even if it means he can’t hang out with Andrew like he used to. He sometimes tries to show Andrew things that he likes, in an effort to still engage with him, but his vague disinterest and dedication to his own little free time means that Jake is caught at an impasse- he knows his brother is doing his best, but feels like he’s being pushed away at the same time.

Jake’s reflex is to push back- he slowly stops engaging with his brother. They only speak at the dinner table or in small moments, but days can pass between them. He begins to isolate himself, feels that there’s nobody there for him and therefore he’s got to fend for himself in a world that wants to see him do things that he can’t.

Andrew gets into Yale, and the Parks are overjoyed. Jake’s still excited for his brother - this is what he’s worked so hard for! He even aims for Yale himself, just to prove that he’s capable, that his brother still means something to him, and the pressure is already on when Mr. Park looks at Jake and says, “Now you’ve got to get into Yale too! If Andy can do it, so can you!” 

The thing is: Jake does get into Yale. It’s not hard-  his isolation allows him to work on his schoolwork fairly well, even if he constantly forgets little things and his handwriting is awful and his writing is just barely understandable, because the projects he takes to school and the things he builds in his engineering class boost him up, even when he barely says anything about or for himself. He doesn’t understand how he’s gotten here, but he has. And the fact is that despite everything, he doesn’t get any scholarships (bah, we can afford it. but it’s still disappointing.) When he starts classes, he realizes that something just feels wrong.

The vague freedom he gets from being at uni turns out to be too little for Jake Park. He enjoys the classes, enjoys the freedom, enjoys his work as much as he can- but it all still feels wrong, and he can’t help but feel expectations growing and he knows that he doesn’t want to be the same as Andrew. His brother is aiming for big things - medical school, residency, the whole shebang - and Jake is simply just interested in taking things apart and seeing how they fit back together. He finds pleasure in observing nature and seeing what works, what nature does to itself, the kinds of things that can live on while others fall to sharp teeth and bone crushing jaws. None of that will get him on Andrew’s level, and he doesn’t want to be there. 

So his grades begin to droop, his time in his room inflates, and his bed becomes his only reprieve to the depression that lingers in his head, pulling everything from the past onto him like he’s being pelted with an unending rain of stones.

He goes home on break, and tells his father that he’s dropping out.

Mr. Park is enraged - everything was going so well! Why would you stop now?

Jake just can’t handle the pressure anymore, and he needs a break.

There are no breaks for the Parks though, and his father wants him to get right back to his studies. Jake’s not willing, too stubborn to keep  doing what he’s told and too upset to think about the consequences of his actions. He packs what’s important, and the convenience of having camped before gives him an idea.

On his way out, he tells his parents that they can find him in the woods if they need him. Otherwise, he has no plans of coming back.

[adorkablephil]

Fic: Listen (Chapter 2)

Title: Listen Rating: PG Word Count: 2.8K for this chapter Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf. Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Strangers to Friends to Lovers Author’s Note: All dates are obviously completely fictionalized, including Dan’s little subscriber count milestone. This is an AU, in case you hadn’t noticed. :) Extreme thanks to the Treehouse Mailing List for all their support and encouragement! Fic also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all “Listen” chapters on Tumblr]

Chapter 2: Talk to Me

danisnotonfire You said to DM you, so here I am. DMing you. This feels weird. Is it weird? I think maybe Im making it weird. 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil It’s not weird. Or if it is, that’s cool. I like weird. ;) 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire lol 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil I was interested in what you were saying about the FFVII soundtrack. Tell me more about why you like the music so much. 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire Have you lestined to it? 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil No 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire But you play the game, right? It ws in your video 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil It’s hard to explain, but I play it with the sound off. 8 September 2009

danisnotonfire ??? 8 September 2009

AmazingPhil But seriously, I’m interested. Tell me about the music. 8 September 2009

Dan’s passion for music inspired Phil to download the song “Interrupted by Fireworks” and play it loud enough that he could feel the tempo by laying his palms flat on the speakers.

After his roommates complained about the noise, he only did it again at times when they weren’t home.

AmazingPhil This is going to seem really weird, but I’ve felt awkward about bringing it up. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire I am the king of awkward lol 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire Bring what up? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil It’s just, we’ve been talking for weeks, and I haven’t said anything about it. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire ??? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Okay, well, I’m Deaf. 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire You cant hear? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Yes, Dan, that’s what Deaf means. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire Hey no need to be a jerk about it. I’m just surprised. 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire Why didn’t you ever say anything? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Well, I thought you would have figured it out from some of my videos and stuff I’ve tweeted, but then when you started talking about music, I just … 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire I am such an idiot. 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil No you’re not! That’s why I didn’t want to say anything! 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire why? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Because I liked talking to you, and I didn’t want you to be embarrassed or something. Or to maybe think I was a freak or something. 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire I dont think your a freak 27 September 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire the whole reason i started liking your videos was because you dont talk in them 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire is that weird? 27 September 2009

AmazingPhil Maybe we’re both a little weird. But I don’t mind if you don’t. :) 27 September 2009

danisnotonfire xD 27 September 2009

One of Phil’s old friends from school had gone all the way to America to attend Gallaudet University, since it was the most highly respected university for the Deaf in the world. She’d had to study ASL in advance, of course, since it was a completely different language than BSL, but she seemed to be really enjoying her studies there. Apparently the sense of Deaf community there was more than she’d even imagined in Manchester. She practically glowed when she talked about her feeling of belonging.

Phil was jealous.

He’d chosen York because of his interest in their graduate program in video postproduction, since he’d loved experimenting with film since childhood, but his isolation as an undergraduate made him wonder how well a Deaf student would be received in the graduate program. Would they even make any accommodation for him in studying what they might perceive as a definitively audio and visual medium?

He and Sharon occasionally Skyped when the time difference allowed, but she now sometimes slipped into ASL without noticing, and Phil found himself feeling like even his Deaf friends were slipping away.

AmazingPhil Maybe we could Skype sometime? I mean, I can’t talk, obviously, or hear you, but we could at least see each other in real life and not just Dailybooth pics. :] 2 October 2009

danisnotonfire How would we talk tho? 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil I don’t know. We could write on paper and hold it up or something? 2 October 2009

[a few minutes pass]

danisnotonfire ok 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil Now? 2 October 2009

danisnotonfire ok 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil YAY! 2 October 2009

AmazingPhil See you soon! 2 October 2009

Dan seemed cripplingly shy in their first Skype call. He avoided eye contact much of the time, which made communicating rather difficult, but he loosened up a bit by the end and even seemed to flirt a bit.

Phil tried really hard not to develop a crush.

He was not particularly successful.

They exchanged phone numbers and began texting constantly, not to mention the lengthy Skype calls. Dan talked about his own interest in making videos, but gloomily doubted his ability to create anything interesting or worthwhile. Phil urged him to give it a try.

15 October 2009

Phil: I think you should upload it. It’s really good. Really!

Dan: I don’t now. I’m afraid people will think its kind of weird.

Phil: Weird is kind of our thing, though, isn’t it? :p

Dan: I just dont want to look stupid or soemething. i mean it kind of sucks

Phil: Dan, it’s brilliant. I promise.

Phil: I have to ask, though. The subtitle thing. Did you do that because of me?

Dan: No. I dont know. Not really. i just liked it. I thought it looked cool.

Phil: It DOES look cool. I just didn’t want …

Dan: what?

Phil: I don’t know. I didn’t want you to be making videos for me like that just because I’m Deaf. I know that sounds stupid. Never mind.

Dan: No i now what you mean. That wasn’t why i did it. I told you i first liked your videos becuz you didnt talk in them. So I guess I liked that style, but mine is different. right?

Phil: Of course! Your style is completely different from mine! I love the old-time silent movie thing, with the title cards and everything. It’s really unique! That’s why I think it’s so brilliant!

Phil: That’s why you should definitely upload it.

Dan: really?

Phil: Absolutely!

[a few minutes pass]

Dan: ok

Dan: maybe tmorrow

When Dan uploaded his first video, Phil tweeted about it enthusiastically to encourage his own online friends and fans to check it out, and unsurprisingly people loved it.

Dan’s unique, silent film era style, complete with occasional sepia tones and use of fancy-font title cards to communicate all dialogue and narration, approached modern-day storytelling and vlogging from a completely fresh perspective. He told stories about his own life, but in a style no one had used before.

People were intrigued. Other YouTubers Phil had come to know over the years quickly began interacting with Dan on Twitter, and Dan gathered an enthusiastic audience almost right from the start.

And Dan’s looks certainly didn’t hurt. Phil tried to ignore any jealousy he felt about the amount of flirting he saw going on publicly over social media. He and Dan were friends. Maybe they flirted, but apparently Dan flirted with everyone. It didn’t mean anything.

23 October 2009

Phil: Are you going to the Halloween gathering in London next week?

Dan: no

Phil: Why not? You’re officially a YouTuber now! You should come!

Dan: I can’t

Phil: We could finally meet. That would be so cool!

Dan: I said I cant

Dan: Just drop it ok?

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push or anything.

Phil: I mean, of course if you don’t want to come, that’s fine.

Phil: I just thought it would be cool to meet you in person.

Phil: I mean, you’re one of my closest friends now and we’ve never even met!

[no response]

[after an hour, Phil logs off]

Phil took the train to London and attended the Halloween Gathering on his own, but felt Dan’s absence keenly the entire time. He brought a white board and a few different colored pens so he could communicate with people more easily, and found that YouTubers were less shy about such things than the average uni student seemed to be. They seemed to find the white board an intriguing novelty and eagerly interacted with him through it.

They didn’t treat him like a freak.

Or, at least, they treated him like their own kind of freak.

He’d discovered a different community. One that wasn’t perhaps as easily familiar and comfortable as the Deaf community he’d grown up in, but a community nonetheless.

He just wished Dan had gotten to experience it, too.

He kept in touch with another YouTuber he’d met at the London gathering, a guy named PJ who had been particularly unselfconscious about using pantomime, facial expression, and the occasional impromptu prop to communicate with Phil instead of relying exclusively on words written on the white board.

Their brains seemed to work in similarly creative ways, and they collaborated on a sort of abstract short film they’d sketched out together on a series of paper napkins during dinner at the gathering. Phil was pretty proud of the way the project turned out, and PJ seemed happy with it, too. They put it up on PJ’s channel, and it got quite a bit of enthusiastic viewer response.

Dan’s blatantly passive-aggressive jealousy about the whole thing was Phil’s first hint that his own more-than-platonic interest might be reciprocated, but he tried not to get his hopes up.

13 December 2009

Dan: I can’t believe I hit 10,000 subscribers!

Phil: Yeah, well, everybody loves danisnotonfire.

Dan: really? so that includes you? ;)

Phil: Nah. Not me.

Phil: I don’t love danisnotonfire.

Phil: I love Dan Howell.

[a minute passes]

Dan: I love Phil Lester, too.

Phil finished his graduate degree in York and returned to Manchester to find himself a flat on his own. He liked the independence but also enjoyed being closer to his family again, and some of his friends from school and college had returned to the area after uni as well.

Returning to some involvement with Deaf culture encouraged Phil to gradually shift the content of his videos, as he became more comfortable openly signing anecdotes about his life, influenced no doubt by Dan’s focus on his everyday life experiences in his own videos.

Viewer response was mixed. Some of Phil’s loyal audience rolled with the changes and seemed to enjoy the more personal glimpses into his life and personality, but others left ignorant, offensive comments about deafness and sign language. He lost some subscribers. Making his content more personal had made the cruel comments feel more personal, too. But when something online hurt his feelings, he just texted a real-life person he knew accepted him just as he was, and it helped.

Being able to sign with people again made his life richer and more fulfilling … and yet he found himself looking forward to his evening Skype calls more than any real-life interactions with his old friends. His family expressed concern that this obsession with a “stranger” on the Internet wasn’t healthy, but they just didn’t understand.

Phil had fallen harder than he ever had before, and with someone he’d never even met in person.

In a strange way, Phil felt simultaneously happier and lonelier than he’d ever been.

11 June 2011

Phil: Are you going to Summer in the City this year?

Dan: no

Phil: You have a lot of fans now. I’m sure they’d like to meet you!

Phil: And there are other people who would like to meet you, too! :p

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: Dan?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: I said no. Jesus phil just leave it the fuck alone!

Phil: Hey, I’m sorry! I’m not trying to pressure you!

Phil: I’m just starting to feel like this is kind of weird. Like I have a boyfriend I’ve never even met.

Dan: weird is what we do, right?

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: Yeah. Right.

Phil: I know.

Phil: I’d just really like to meet you.

[no response]

[after a really long time, Phil logs off]

Phil attended Summer in the City on his own again, painfully aware of how much closer he was to Dan when he visited London than when he was back home in Manchester. Painfully aware that Dan not only hadn’t wanted to attend the convention, but hadn’t even responded to Phil’s desire to meet.

He talked with other YouTubers, made plans for possible future collaborations, and hugged dozens of enthusiastic fans, took hundreds of smiling selfies. But the entire time, he couldn’t help but think that Dan was only 40 miles away, instead of the usual 200. Less than an hour by train.

So near, and yet not within reach. He felt it like a physical pain.

15 June 2011

Dan: remember when you first told me you were deaf?

Phil: Yeah?

Dan: and you were afraid i woud think you were a freak

Phil: Right, but you didn’t. Right?

Dan: of course not you idiot <3

Phil: So what’s going on?

Dan: theres soemthing i havent told you

Phil: You can tell me anything. I love you. You know that.

Dan: but its really weird

Phil: Weird is what we do. <3<3<3

[several minutes pass]

Dan: i dont talk

Phil: Like you’re shy? I wondered if that might be why you wouldn’t go to the gatherings and stuff.

Dan: no i dont talk

Phil: But you talk to me all the time. I’m confused.

Dan: i mean to people. out loud. irl i don’t talk. ever

Phil: Okay.

Dan: ok?

Phil: Yeah. Okay. I mean, I don’t talk either. Are you Deaf too? Is that why you don’t talk? Why didn’t you ever say anything?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: no i’m not deaf i just dont talk

Phil: It’s okay, Dan. I just want to understand. Why don’t you talk?

[no response]

[after a very, very long time, Phil logs off]

Phil didn’t know what to do with what Dan had told him, especially since Dan had sort of dropped a bomb and then just run off without explaining anything.

One thing was clear, though. Dan didn’t like being pushed. When he wanted to talk about this—no pun intended—he would.

Because if one other thing was clear, it was that Phil was willing to wait.

6 July 2011

Dan: You havent brought it up.

Phil: What?

Dan: You havent ever asked about the talking thing.

Phil: I did. You didn’t answer.

Dan: yeah but you havent asked again since

Phil: Did you want me to?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: I dont know. maybe

Phil: Okay. Why don’t you talk?

[several minutes pass]

Dan: I havent talked since I was 8.

Phil: Wow. That’s a long time.

[a few minutes pass]

Dan: yeah

[a few minutes pass]

Phil: Is that why you never wanted to meet?

Dan: yeah i didn’t want you to think I was a freak

Phil: Dan, weird is what we do. And I’m Deaf!

Dan: Well yeah but you dont do that on purpose.

Phil: You do it on purpose?

Dan: sort of i guess

Phil: So you could talk if you wanted to, but you don’t want to?

[several minutes pass]

Phil: Dan?

[several minutes pass]

Phil: Dan, I don’t think you’re a freak. Just talk to me.

Phil: Crap. You know what I mean.

[no response]

[hours later, Phil finally logs off]

Phil did some research into muteness that someone might call “on purpose,” just wanting to understand, and found himself wondering if what Dan experienced was maybe something called “selective mutism” or maybe a “conversion disorder.” As far as he could tell, neither one was truly something anyone did purposely, but, really, if Dan didn’t want to talk about it, Phil wouldn’t be able to understand much at all. He just wanted to educate himself a bit so that if Dan ever did want to talk about it, he’d be less likely to say something stupid and make Dan shut down even more.

12 February 2012

Dan: I have a question to ask you.

Phil: Okay.

Dan: but its making me really nervous

Phil: I love you, Dan. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I promise. <3

[several minutes pass]

Dan: do you think maybe i could come visit you in manchester?

Phil: Skype me right now this very minute because you have to see how big my smile is! <3<3<3<3<3

[Continue to Chapter 3]

[perdizzion]

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

[spilled-ink-and-paint31]

An Experience

This isn’t normally the type od excerpts of stories or ‘poetry’ that I post but this blog is my safe space and I need somewhere to share an experience.

Background information: I’m a sub in a fairly new relationship. We live next door to each other. We meet a few days before uni started. I’m still not sure how/when we got together but we both share a lot of the same interest and we just kinda make sense. Coming back to our more sexual relationship- We’ve discussed boundries, safe words and the normal conversations related to a BDSM relationship. However, I’ve never been the most trusting person, I’m mean trust was a major issue to the point I wouldn’t even do a trust fall with my bestfriend. Skip ahead to present day I probably trust this guy more than I’ve trusted my family in the past. I have been incredibly vulnerable around him which is also a struggle becasue of my anxiety and depression.

What happened: He came over to my apartment, like usual, and we talked about our day, stuggled on the couch and other cutesy stuff that people hate. Side note- a few days ago I “stole” this really warm shirt of his cause our apartments get #freezing- So he asks for this shirt back(floofle as he calls it) and I really dont want to give it back. He looks around for it but cleverly I have hidden it mwhahahaha. When he does see it I try to playfully kick him out of my apartment saying things like ‘we have work to do’ or ‘go do school work’ etc... We end up doing this pushing wrestling thing and he ends up going ‘dommy’. (Which is pretty much him starting to act like a dominate becoming more aggressive and...demanding I guess) Wrestling turns into kissing and that results is us being dom/sub. Here is where the trust information comes in handy. I’ve had a few less than abusive/ non-consentual experinces that have made me scared to be touched certain places and cause anxiety during certain ‘acts’ and he has recently started to try uncondition me to be scared from these past incidents and to be more comfortable. That whole processes pretty much started with trust and I do trust him that hasn’t changed not even after what happened. What did happen you’re probably wondering and hoping I will get to soon, never fear that is next. One of the things we’ve discussed as okay for dom/sub play is types of punishments (such as slapping and punching) Usually I only recive punishments when I forget to call him ‘Sir’ or move when I’ve specifically been told not to. So recieving punishments absent of disobediance is a violation of trust. As I mentioned he is trying to uncondition me to be scared during certain acts and Im not totally comfortable yet but I let him go further a little each time because he usually stops before I have to tell him to. Now I should have said stop in this case becasue it was already causing my to retreat into myself in a form of a depressive episode. I didnt say to stop, becasue he stopped before I need to say it, I didnt expect him to punch me though, I was already started to hide into myself so that was kind of like the final nail in coffin and I just went blank~ which is me staring off into space curling up and being as closed off/isolated as possible. Mentally this was happening so I really didnt have time to process the pain (which I do feel this morning) The last thing I say is our safe word before I shut down and physically and mentally collapse. The next 30 minutes is blurred over of him sitting with me and trying to keep me grounded and out of my head saying to look at him, wanting me to say anything, which was impossible at this point since I was virtually a mute. He repeated a few time that he knew he went to far as soon as it happened and he was sorry that he over stepped. I was mute for about 40 minutes becasue I felt physically unable speak.

[kickspace]

Thursday

On thursday I went to a womens coming out discussion group that I’d found on Meetup.com. It was held at like a safespace for queer youth, its a level of this building where LGBTQ youth can just come hang out and there’s a kitchen and games room and it’s really bright and colourful but anyway they hold 3 adult group meetings and i went to the womens coming out one.

I was the youngest one there. In high school I’d never dated or had things/hooked up with anyone at parties and everyone sort of questioned that from time to time. Everyone just got the impression I was frigid or disinterested in romance and I always felt sort of embarrassed that I’m 19 now and still don’t have any “experience” with dating or flirting or sex.

But on average these women were like, five years older than me. One was forty and only came to terms she was a lesbian two years ago. Another one was fifty and did the same around five years ago. Both had lived their lives as straight women before coming out. One had actually been married with kids, both had felt it was wrong and looking back on it now can see they repressed feelings from when they were growing up. They have memories growing up where they had same sex attracted feelings but could never understand/face it so just lived as straight women. Now they don’t know how to reach out to other gay women because they’re not in the younger scene and in a way feel like they’re having to learn basic social etiquettes all over again. 

There was blonde woman there who I felt really sorry for. She came across as maybe depressed. She talked briefly about how she’d been in denial growing up and could never explain to her family why she didn’t want to be with people they’d set up with her,  then said something similar to the two older women that she’d only accepted that she was gay two or so years ago but at twenty seven now, shy and basically a home-body when she’s not at work, she doesn’t see how she can meet other gay women which I felt on the d-low meant date/find someone. Then she was like “but going to groups like this..at least I’m leaving the house right” and then she laughed in a very hollow way and I felt so sad for her. I kinda wanted to talk to her afterward but got too shy lmao.

There was one woman there that irritated me though, she was the only straight woman but an asexual. This woman who spoke pretty frequently throughout, more so than the gay women. She was talking about how she doesn’t want to come out as asexual to her friends because it’s something “hard to explain, its something indistinguishable” going on to say that “at least people know what homosexuality is, It would be easier if I were coming out as a lesbian” 

And no one was comfortable enough at that stage to glance at each other but I definitely felt like the blonde girl next to me shift at that. She also started talking about this guy she’s been seeing who just texted her that he wants to “see her in private” and she doesn't know what to do. I was just kinda...mindfucked...that people this self absorbed and stupid exist. I was like...ok...you’re anxious this guy you’ve been speaking to for a few weeks won’t be interested in you? People won’t understand your disinterest in sex?? Like…idk man!!! I think the fear of being disowned or never spoken to again by people who are supposed to love you, or receiving violence, or being killed is maybe a BIT harder to overcome when coming out. So not really sure if coming out as a lesbian would be harder for you, either way you’d likely still be a fuckin idiot

 And even if she didn’t mean to sound so stupid, and only meant it’s harder to explain because it’s less known/theres less information on asexuality like... why would you say it in that way. Wasn’t the right way or place to say something like that. She was also arguing laster  to one of the girls who was the 2nd youngest, I think 23, who shared that her friend kept making homophobic jokes and she wanted to come out to him so that he knew he was hurting her but she just cut him out of her life, that maybe her friend didn’t know that he was being offensive and that sometimes its hard to NOT be offensive. At that point I was like... literally shut the fuck up and the girl was like…um yeah or maybe I just dont want him as a friend and everyone laughed. The two older women though were nodding with that asexual woman when she was speaking as if that were a valid point about offending people, which I think might be a generational thing about “political correctness” or not living as a gay person since they were young so maybe not experiencing/picking up on that type of micro aggressive homophobic behaviour  when growing up around young awful men but whatever.

The past two months just speaking to other gay women I’ve seen the pattern of people becoming comfortable with their sexuality if they're a homosexual woman when they’re older in comparison to heterosexual people or gay men. I’d also read about it online about how addressing you’re a gay woman often comes later because of how we’re socialised to deal with our feelings and frustrations towards men, so that stage of denial is often longer than with homosexual men. One of my lesbian friends at uni was talking about the difference between the gay men she knew and their sex lives and the lesbians she knew, like the majority of young lesbians that were her friends our age don't have any sexual experience.

Yeah it’s just been really sad and interesting, but I’m glad to know that I’m not strange or out of the normal which I was alway made to feel like I was. Not just by friends and family but by also the media I guess when showing young people and where you should be with romantic/sexual experience based on your age. I’ve also realised truly how fortunate i am to live in a place where there’s such a large/strong LGBTQ community. 

I think I’ll go again next time. I’m not sure many of the others will because that session might have put them off. It was really tense and uncomfortable at times, which was just the difficult subject of coming out I think. Also when i read The fun House by alison Bechdel she showed how she realised she was gay when she was also 19, and until then hadn't had any sort of sexual life. And I was kinda like ...? That’s not ? Just me? I didn't know that was normal because of where I grew up and who I grew up with. 

Also! The 23 year old girl was like pretty funny and was the only one in the group/trying to make people laugh and we live in the same suburb so we bussed back together and she was telling me about how she also feels lonely and isolated/doesnt like going out/ all her friends are straight and she’s too shy to go to her LGBTQ group at uni and she was like god I’m so awkward sorry for being awkward and i was like? you’re not you’re super funny wth and then she was like to me when we got off the bus, can I ask you an kinda cringe creepy question and I was like ya! ofc and it was so cute she was like “is there any possibility of us becoming friends?” and I was like :’’’’’’) so yeah we added each other on fb and we might be going rock climbing!!!

so yeah that was that experience I wanted to write down. and just some realisations i’ve been having . also my friend from uni and i are going to make a same sex attracted womens group! where we get together and watch/discuss  lesbian movies and media once a month or something or go to gay girls events, it will be like a side branch of the LGBTQ uni group that I was too scared to get involved with. anyway she’s coming over 2moro night so we can make a page and sort it. 

[thespanglydragon]

a brief (not at all brief) update on my life until the next time I remember i have this blog and need to sort out my thoughts:

i got a 1st in my first project of the year. I find out my dissertation and second project marks next week, and if they’re both in the high 60s i might be able to graduate with a 1st overall. Which is scary, because if I could then I will feel really disappointed if i dont manage it. I cant tell how to deal with that... but a 2:1 is awesome and would be fitting. I expect that mark, I dont know if I expect a 1st. 

I’m fairly stressed in a preemptive way because of all of the work I need to be doing soon, I’m learning lots of things in these projects that I wish I’d learned last year (which I didnt learn because instead I was trying to direct a project which was another learning curve. I wish I had more time to fit in what I’m learning now, cause I wish I knew it now to make my input into my current projects all it could be). Another 6 months of this course would have done me well. 

The boy I like, I’m constantly between ‘hes cute and nice’ and ‘hes a friend’ because he is both - i’ve gotten to know him better and i like that regardless of whatever my romantic feelings are. I’m still not 100%, and it’s a crush, but I’m happy not doing anything much about it. I take the opportunity to spend more time with him, but I also do that more with my close friends anyway because I think i’m feeling that soon, once we graduate, we’ll all split off and I love these guys so much in such a gentle friendly way.

I’m feeling really good about having a crush because... for once, even though I’ve always been ‘im happy not doing anything about it’, it’s not preventing me from being the best I can be. I’m not avoiding him or feeling weird around him at all, if anything it’s making me feel more confident about myself because it just feels very nice and my life is culminating right now into a place where I feel good about myself and my friends, where I could go with my career, and having a crush is a part of life that is enjoyable, and i’m happy and surprised that i’m more confident around him than I ever was before I liked him (since we’ve been friends for almost 2 years).

That said, I’m annoyed because I’d told people a few months ago I liked him, but now another person gave away the game to another friend and it’s not something I want to go around. I know full well how I feel about him but that doesnt mean I want other people to know, mainly because of that first issue - I’m happy with him as a friend, and I dont want to disrupt that friendship because people find out and try to either force a situation, or let him know which could very easily disrupt a normal friendship. I’m getting to the point where I just want people to shut up about anything involving me and relationships - because there are also people who still bring up my ex being like ‘oh how’s he’ ‘oh what about ryan’ or making comments implying theres something there when there isn’t. Leave it. I’ve gotten over it, he has too, it was almost 2 years ago now, I dont see him much but you guys see him a lot because the friends group has gone that way. Just allow us to exist as people who arent involved in each others lives beyond being on the same course and having similar friends circles. It really pisses me off. 

However, I definitely dont help this point because I’ve developed a habit of being ruthlessly truthful as a defense mechanism, specifically about feelings. I think I got to the point where being totally accepting of my feelings, and not hiding that (in fact letting people know) about them was a good thing I got into when I was getting out of depression, cause I could accept any emotion I had at the time and do something about it, and was very unapologetic if people expressed any kind of intrigue. I used it when I was younger and depressed as a way to try to give blame to other people by making them feel guilty, but it turned into just not letting me blame myself for the illness. Growing out of that kind of means now, I’m overly happy to share my feelings or secrets, when in reality I dont really want people in on the situation. I’m slowly trying to learn about .... emotional modesty? I dont need people to know everything I’ve ever felt, I dont need to tell my every hearts desire or secret. I think acknowledging that is part of me feeling much better about myself and my life in general that’s been happening over the past year - I dont feel like I need other people’s validation to be happy (which is something that plagued me in first year). But I just need to get out of the habit of being so wanting of attention in that way. I’m good as I am, people do like me, I have awesome friends who love me, I dont need some kind of extra quirk or something that will make me interesting.

Oh, and my parents got a new puppy!!!! and i went to an AWESOME harry potter quiz with alcoholic (and delicious) butterbeer that was waaaaaay better than the stuff you get at the studios tbh, me and my sisters and co came 15th out of about 50 which isn’t bad considering some of the rounds were so hard I’m amazed people actually got any answers (such as naming the specific scene a short clip of music was from - and they were obscure like ‘the first time the staircase moves in the first film’ but not when they go into the out of bounds corridor etc)

I’ve also gotten into a routine (something I’m sure 16 year old me would attack me for) of being in uni by 10 (soon to turn to 9), staying tile 8 each night, doing work, not letting myself have facebook on my main computer screen, and i’m really... enjoying it? Posting my collaboration work on the group each evening to recieve feedback. We had two media weeks (bit like reading weeks) where I was in every day, and now lessons have started back again I’m getting annoyed cause I cant do as much work as usual because lectures are getting in the way! I’m really liking it!  It’s really nice to feel because the routine is making me feel better, sleep better, not so much eat better cause I’d rather cook for lunch than spend but ehh, but it’s just nice to feel like I’m now someone who can work in this kind of ‘working life’ routine, I will actually fit in and enjoy office work if it’s like my uni work life now (I’m not the only one spending days in our uni room doing work rather than staying at home - a core group of us are agreeing that separating home life and uni life is definitely beneficial to our work and keeping on track, and that being a good feeling rather than feeling like a chore). It’s nice to experience learning that, rather than having that idea forced on young people as it sometimes seems to be (ending up with people who isolate themselves and are unhappy and dont know why, because they’ve not learnt to have a working life balance) I dont know, everything’s really good right now, I actually feel like I want a career in this, I am enjoying my work, I’m doing well at uni, I have lovely friends, I cant get over how lovely and yet calm my life is. It’s like everything is happening in my life with this tinge of yellowy sunlight, bad things may happen but overall, my life is good and regular and I have aims and there are things that could be better, but that’s good because i can work to get them.