#and im scared that if i get more rats. ill be a horrible parent again. and they deserve better

[wellthatschaotic]

i want. Creature. so bad

[thetragicescape]

I know no one asked for it buttttttt

This is my blog and I feel like venting. So here we go. More spun thoughts. I feel... hmm. I feel bittersweet. I miss my old roommate. She is honestly not a friend to me, she's a sister. That's how close we were. We hung out 24/7 during our freshman and sophomore years of college. Well, the half of sophomore year before I left. We knew everything about each other and made so many unforgettable memories. Her friendship has been invaluable to me, and we spent so much time together that she was more family than my blood family. She did have strong opinions about certain things, and that's why I hid my drug addiction from her. Her twin sister is addicted to the same drug. I constantly heard her talking shit on not just her sister but meth addicts in general. She was always saying how nasty it was and how bad tweakers were and stuff. I stayed silent the whole time or joined in on her shit talking to cover my ass, never wanting her to know that I was the very thing she despised. I thought that if she knew she would be angry, yell at me or say horrible things to me, or- worst of all- stop being my friend. And I absolutely could not lose her; she was a sister to me. I was confident that I could hide it well enough that she would never need to know, but we can't all be so lucky. The day before I left school, my ex (the one who would rob me the next day) ratted me out to her. I was both furious with him and scared that I was going to lose one of the best friends I ever had. What happened next was miraculous. Something I never would have expected in a million years. She didn't hate me, she didn't stop being my friend, didn't even say one rude word or remark. She was a little upset that I had hidden it from her for so long, but once I explained that it was because I valued our friendship so much and was terrified to lose her she seemed to understand. She even gave me a hug! I was so touched I was near the edge of tears- she knew the worst thing about me, that I was addicted to meth, yet she loved me all the same and was still like my sister. I was about 90 percent sure she would hate me for this, yet she accepted me fully for who I was, faults and all, when for so long I was terrified she would hate me if she knew. I only felt luckier by the second that she had reacted completely opposite of what I thought and that I had her. That night was the last time I saw her. I left college to run away with my ex, he ended up robbing me and my amazing best friend and his wife took me in and let me stay with them. I think of her a lot every day though and miss her. I felt bad leaving her alone there cause we were all each other had. At the time though I thought she would be okay. I mean, for as long as I've known her ive been secretly jealous as fuck of her. She was perfect in every way, and I wish I could say I was exaggerating. She was seriously perfect and I wanted to be her so bad. Honest to god I still do, and if you knew her you'd wanna be her too. She's skinny and absolutely drop dead gorgeous, not to mention amazing with make up. Guys were practically tripping over themselves for a chance to get at her when I was lucky if a guy so much as glanced my way. Getting love or sex or any male attention to her was as effortless as breathing. That wasn't even what I was the most jealous of though. I envy the fuck out of her magic social powers. I can think of another way to put it. It has to be magic cuz I sure as hell couldn't do it. She has some insane power of getting people to take interest in her without trying, and friends flock to her like a moth to a flame. Especially in her home town (when I went to visit her over the summer)- she was popular as fuck. Without even trying, she had more friends than she knew what to do with. All my life id been a near complete loner and desperate for friends, for connections and relationships. No matter what I did, my peers still hated me and I remained a loner. I went straight home every day after school and didn't leave my room cause I had no friends. She, on the other hand, never had to be lonely for a single second- hell, I didn't think she even knew what loneliness MEANT! Without even trying, she had what id wanted so desperately all my life- tons of friends, no loneliness, popularity and guys drooling over her. Over breaks when we went home, shed be having a total blast partying with tons of different people, while I sat alone in my room on the verge of tears because I was so damn lonely and wanted so bad just to have someone to hang out with. Sometimes it was hard not to snap out of pure envy- once she complained to me that she got invited to too many parties. Inside me I was ripping my hair out- like why the fuck are you complaining?! Hers was a "problem" I could only dream of having. Of course if she asked I said I hung out with friends over break because I was embarrassed to let her know how truly pathetic I was. I felt for so long that something was wrong with me and I didn't fit in with humanity because I was so fucking lonely, but she could get everyone in the world to be her friend by fuckin blinking at them. Also her parents were incredibly chill and not strict or controlling at all, the exact opposite of my dad. They cared about her, more than just her grades, they brought her self esteem up instead of crushing it, and they talked to her as an equal human. Which I couldnt pay my dad to do; to this day he talks to me as though Im an idiotic young child or an extension of himself. Never an equal. Hell, I was jealous of her for having grown up with her mom still alive- I lost mine when I was 7. Anyway. At school we hung out only with each other, so I felt very close to her. We tried many times to make friends with other people at the school, but everyone at that school was an ultra religious Jesus freak prude, so not our usual type. Still we tried. We learned pretty early on that people didn't like us for some reason. They got weirded out by us after hanging out with us once or twice and then magically disappeared, never talking to us again. Now i dont know if this is just a paranoid tweaky thought, but I think the word "us" isnt exactly accurate when placing the blame on why nobody wanted to hang out with us. I think the us is actually me. I was what chased everyone away. She has such an incredible talent at making friends that there was no way they didn't like her. I was what they didn't like, and I was always hanging out with her, so if they were chilling with her they were chilling with me. I dont know what about me did it- I seemed to have the opposite abilities of what she did. I suspected that I was the reason since last year, but what's happened in the last couple weeks only makes me think more and more that I was the reason we were so lonely. Since I have left the school, she has instantly made a whole group of friends. She's getting a house with them her senior year and everything. Without me to get in the way, her natural charms were uninterrupted and she found friends almost instantaneously. Nothing like that ever happened when I was around her. Im really happy that she has moved on and found friends so she Wont be lonely, on the other hand it made me sad she moved on so fast. I know that's not fair of me- I cant just expect her to never chill with anyone ever again because I was gone- but still i feel it. That tiny heart ache. Im quite replaceable I think, and Im glad she found her people and not loneliness. I mean it with all my heart, I want her to be happy because she deserved it. Ive experienced more than my fair share of loneliness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But love is about appreciation not possession, and what matters is she is happy and has people to support and love her, whether i am included in that or not. Just like you trim weeds to make the garden flourish, my absence has helped her become the socialite she always wad again. I am sad that we are separated (and honestly jealous of her ability to attract people to her without conscious effort) but happy that she is happy. She's quickly moved on and Im sure that in time she will forget me completely. The thought hurts but I need to accept that it might be a possibility. I chased friends away from us, why would she want to remember that. I miss her to death but without my weirdness chasing her social life off, she is much better off. She's in her element again, a social butterfly spreading her wings and flying out into the world. I wish I knew her secret on getting people to want to be her friend or boyfriend or whatever , but ill just have to accept I never will. Even she doesnt know, its an instinct to her. I never was lucky enough to have that gift but oh well. That's life. It is what it is. I really hope that this is just the drugs and the paranoia talkin, that it wasnt my fault we had no friends and she also played a part in chasing them away. I hope with all my heart it isnt true, but deep in my heart I worry that it is. I guess ill never know the truth and Im honestly kind of glad, cause Im not sure I could stand to hear it if it had been my fault. I accept that ill never know. I still miss her though. Even if she forgets my name, ill remember her and her friendship and cherish the memories we made for my whole life. If she wants to continue being my friend, which there's a decent chance of because she still hits me up on Facebook occasionally to check on me, I will be ecstatic. Shes like my sister that came out of a different vagina 😂😂😂. Whatever choice she makes is hers though and I will have to accept it no matter what. Her happiness means so much to me that if she slowly forgot about me, id know at least she is doing well, uninhibited by my weirdness and free to put her social talents to use again. If our friendship does end (which is painful to think) I will hold onto the good times. Ill try not to cry because its over but smile because it happened. I would appreciate that I had such a close bond with her that saying goodbye was sk hard. If saying bye is hard you know it was a good friendship and a blessing that I had it..... Okay, rant over Holy fuck I sound like a weirdo. Tina makes me rambly. Then again this was so long Im sure most of u got bored and didbt make it all the way to the end 😂 I dont blame you its pretty long. This is probably mostly for me to read when I sober up and laugh at myself. If you did stick thru to the end, thanks ❤ weird tweaky rant over!!