#and im only making that tag elaborate bc ik there are blogs that rb posts w simpler tags bc theyre assholes

[duskrelyk]

tw suicide:

ya know i was just reading a post that lists reasons not to kill yourself

and maybe some of you know this, but i had planned for a about a year before i graduated high school that i would kill myself the night of the day i graduated

but i didnt, bc we were gonna go on vacation right after, and i waited

and then i was gonna go on a trip with an ensemble i was in, so i waited some more

eventually i didnt feel so bad anymore

but then something happened in freshman year, and it affected me so badly that i was gonna kill myself

but then i got a knock on my dormroom door from my ra so i stopped and answered it

and they talked to me for a bit

and i went to therapy

and after a bit i didnt feel so bad anymore

...

there have been several times since then when ive strongly considered killing myself

in fact, i wanted to as recently as a few days ago

but i was tired

i was gonna sleep and do it later

but then i didnt

and like

on the list that i read, one of the reasons was smth like "one day youll get past this and youll be so glad youre alive bc of all the new things you got to do"

and yeah

every time i couldve done it, and didnt, something good happened after. maybe the next day. maybe a few months later. but like, they definitely happened

and one of the reasons was smth like "you cant listen to music if youre dead" and damn if theyre not correct

music is everythinf to me, i dont wanna just stop experiencing it

and ik yall are probably tires of hearinf me talk about stray kids, but if i had died after graduation, in freshman year, etc i wouldnt have ever heard stray kids music, the music that gives me the most joy rn and mwans the most to me

and if i die any time soon, i wont get to hear their new music either

and its coming soon, so im sure i can manage until then

and maybe ill have something to look forward to after that, too

ig ill never know what i wouldve missed until it happens

and ik this post was long, and ik it was a lot, and ik i definitely overshared but

like

fuck, i might be overwhelmingly sad rn, but damn i dont wanna die

is it weird to say i wanna stay alive to hear their new music? is it weird to say i wanna stay alive so i can finally open the package that holds my skzoo plushies? is it weird to say i wanna stay alive to maybe see them in concert someday?

if it was somebody else saying that, id tell them theres no reason too small or too stupid or too weird to stay alive

because one reason is enough. no matter how small it may seem, if it keeps you here, then its the most important reason to you, and so its important, and so are you

maybe one day ill believe it about myself