#and im on survival mode so i cant go back to before i took it

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

Thinking about the hive mind stuff, I imagine Kokichi gets nabbed for the killing game but no one knows he can do that because literally why would he tell anyone? he might even have modified his members slightly to make it so they cant talk about it to other people outside of it, something that will be very prominent later as something very worrying but right now was only added to ensure no one, MICHI, had a slip of the tongue about it on accident and got people looking too deep at them, something that was likely originally even agreed on as a precaution, a unanimous vote. So he's just there, and he's kinda stressing, still in contact with the other DICE members because hiveminds are cool like that, trying to work out a plan or find the location through the connection.

However, it keeps getting closer and closer to the deadline so in a moment of impulse he drags in Kaede, (unsure how that process works but im sure its either really ominous or disturbingly simple) He picked Kaede because she was the pseudo leader of the group, honestly would have gone for Rantaro or Ryoma potentially over her due to being the most at risk of doing something but Kaede was the more open and friendly of the three.

Through that he kinda panics more and sets her to basically sleep mode as the other members of dice make fun of him for this, before quarantining Kaede from the overarching hivemind, and going over her memories, justifying it as just the in game memories, nothing before, thats not a privacy violation as much really honestly it's just info gathering. Determines that she is A. Definitely not the mastermind B. Going to do something REALLY STUPID with a shotput ball.

So after a bit of "hey other members of dice is this a good idea" because he's still big on that "hivemind does not override decency for the most part" mindset just erases the idea from her head, erases the fact she even ever picked up a shotput ball, its gone, no more murder plan. However this is his first time erasing something big like that, the most he'd ever done before was laughing at Kenzou because he made him forget where he left his phone for the tenth time. So he's definitely a little on edge about that despite DICE assuring him that it was the only real option, but also now he's got to deal with the fact Kaede is here, and Kaede while cool is an Outsider and didn't even want to be here like DICE did and what the fuck does he do with her now, he has to wake her back up eventually.

So he tampers her memories again to ensure she thinks she went to sleep normally and kind of isolates her from the rest of the hivemind, keeping an eye on her thoughts and emotions to ensure she doesn't try to shotput again and occasionally whispering in her mind so she doesn't realize its anything more then her thoughts. Kokichi is left further shaken about how little effort that actually took in the grand scheme of things, and how nice it feels to have a new person under his command, that it feels warm and proper to be expanding and growing like this. How much closer he feels to Kaede, how he almost feels like he could even trust her like this, that she's an ally, that she's safe, which feels even more warm.

So if he coaxes her to spend more time with him over that dumb detective? Well, that's harmless really, just putting the thought in her head, it's not like he's forcing her. He's only doing what's absolutely necessary, he needs to ensure she's doing well after all now that she's officially one of his, and work towards figuring out how to properly integrate her. He's not even invading her privacy very much, just the minimum of what's needed to ensure everyone's survival, isn't that worth a little skimming of thoughts now and again? She would probably agree anyways.

The idea he could just...let go of her now never once crosses his mind.

[gaybd1]

pls allow me to make a long life update ramble here bc im sick of irl people not understanding at all

I feel like I have a feel disconnected points to make

People like me aren’t meant to get bachelor’a degrees and we’re DAMN SURE not meant to get master’s

I’m 1000% just in survival mode right now and there’s theoretically a month left to go but idek if I’ll make it that long tbh

It has taken me YEARS to figure out a healthy/sustainable work-life balance that goes with my executive dysfunction but that’s NOT POSSIBLE working full time AND doing a degree

I’ve been feeling guilty for resting at all lately (and probably should) but yet if I don’t my health suffers majorly

It has always been hard for me to get simple things done, but now I can’t even THINK about simple necessary errands like walking to the supermarket or going to get a cell phone number or updating shit at the bank because ALL my energy goes to keeping me and my dog alive, keeping a job, and trying to stay in this program

I have delayed my transition by YEARS to pay for all this which was definitely the wrong call ughhhhh

I worked SO hard all of K-12 to get into a good university, when it came down to it didn’t even want to go, was too depressed to apply to hardly any, chose my best option still not knowing what I wanted to do but forced into it and forced to take out all of these loans when I didn’t even know what they meant.

Ended up never dealing with audhd shit, trauma shit, didn’t know what I was doing with my life, tried to get jobs to pay for school but couldn’t handle class and jobs at the same time so got more depressed until I stopped going to classes altogether and got kicked out

That would have been great for me tbh but I still didn’t know what else to do so I begged them to let me back in which they did and I ended up barely graduating with some pointless major I just chose to get me a degree. And also $80k of student debt I had no way to even comprehend knowing how to use

Didn’t know what to do after that either so I ended up in retail for a couple years before I got a random rare opportunity to get me out of there and doing what I always wanted

Well. I felt like I needed to make up for lost time degree-wise and ended up basically begging myself into this half-shitty program that culminates in this masters. I applied maybe five years ago, waited a little over two to start until I had money to pay for it (this is after fleeing the US and the 80k lmao) and somehow killed the first year of it.

I took another year and a half off trying to figure out the rest of the money which I eventually did and that’s how we end up here. I will hopefully have the degree in October but will still be paying for it the rest of the school year rip

So financially this sacrifice is obviously huge and on one hand I never thought I’d be able to do it so yay me and on the other hand I have NOT been able to pursue v v important trans stuff which I notice and deal with eVERY GODDAmn day thanks AND I will also probably not be able to make my every-18-month visit home next summer with my family which also gODDAMN SUCKS because family was EVERYTHING to me growing up and they’ve all forgotten it and probably think I have too but I miss those mfers so much and they would never buy a flight to come see me so.

ANYWAY yeah in undergrad I could NOT do a job and school at the same time so I’ve been proud of being able to handle it this time around but the last fourish months of this program are so intense and I am NOT handling it

Like I have done SO WELL up to now so I feel like I just GOTTA keep going but it’s SO HARD and I’m TOO STUPID and I’ve been told my whole life I’m not meant for higher education and now BOY DO I KNOW IT

I’m just trying to keep going. I order food and groceries to my house. I’m putting off super important errands and appointments as long as I can because I JUST CANT GET THERE I CANNOT WASTE SPOONS ON CELL PHONE PLANS RIGHT NOW I’m just trying to stay alive holy shit

I hate feeling so incompetent in my personal life especially because I’ve always put my professional life first out of like. Fear of losing it. and I KNOW this “laziness” is justified bc I’m spread so thin AND have executive dysfunction and a chronic illness but holy shit it still feels bad scoob. So fucking bad.

I think what I need to do is arrange time off work just to get this all sorted and finished but I’ve literally never taken a day off in my life so I’d feel bad and have MORE anxiety figuring out how to do it lololol ahhhhhhhh

[wjehfshs]

Hello гайхалтай хүн! Wow! Never actually thought you would do my request but im very happy about it!! Could i ask for another request

So basically reader is ghosts son and reader is in middle school. Ghost is off on a mission and reader is at home when a zombie apocalypes happens and when ghost finally arrives at his house he finds the house in horrible condition, reader is no where to be found and ghost thinks that reader is dead. Fast forward to about 2 to 4 years and tf141 is searching for a place to stay and then price mentions a military base that was in a wooded area far from any town or city with high strong walls, so they were going there when a pack of wolves and dogs stop them and circle around them and they know that cant win this one bc for every one person theres 5 wolves but then a masked figure with a gun walks towards them and he is about to kill them when ghost says something and reader instantly recognizes ghosts voice, orders the wolves and dogs to stand down and goes "dad?" While taking off his mask, then the two share a hug and reader takes them to the base which was turned into a survival base and theres about 11 teens there that reader rescued and the base has a few animals such as cows, chickens, cats and ofcourse the dogs with clean running water and all of the teens have a job such as taking care of the animal, making defense weapons for when zombies come and farmers. Reader also became super cold and stoic and took in the role of leader, ordering the people around to make sure they all survive. And then a tornado was forming so reader goes into leader mode and immidiatly starts to tell the teens what to do and after the tornado passes (safely) reader and tf141 share some quality time together and reader bonds with his dad again?🥰

Again, thank you so much for doing my request!

I am very gratefull!!♡

Teen reader with dad Ghost during the zombie apocalypse

The zombie apocalypse, reader is traumatised, Ghost thinks reader is dead for a couple years, tornado, reader has a barn, gore mentions, blood mentions.

You where 13 at the time it all happened

Ghost, or as you called him “dad” was your father, he was a single father after your mother left for some other guy

You where happy with your dad, your averaged sized home and overall your life

Since Ghost was in the military he went on mission often, he cut down since you where born but he still went out on missions, I mean he had to make money somehow

You had some friends of you dad who would check up on you everyday and make sure you where safe and sound

One day, the day Simon was supposed to get back, you where walking home from school

It was dark outside since you stayed back in the library to finish an assignment

As soon as you unlocked the door you heard growling

You turned around and saw something that would haunt you forever

A grotesque looking man, looked like he was decaying, literally, with blood and bits of flesh dangling from his mouth as he stumbled/ran towards you

You dropped your bag in fear of the man

You immediately ran inside and locked the door

From your dads perspective he was in the car with the 141 when he saw it

The town around them was in chaos

Some buildings were aflame, some broken into, and some bordered up

But what stuck out the most was the disgusting, erratic people devouring others around them

His mind immediately switched to you, where you safe? Were where you? What if you got hurt?

“Turn this fuckin car around John we’re going to my place I need to see if [names] ok” Ghost said sternly

Price wasted no time turning the car around and speeding to your place

When they got there he was mortified to find a young looking person, most of their body torn to shreds except for their legs and arms, face not even there anymore

But what stood out to them was the bloody backpack… it was yours

He didn’t even have any time to grieve before Price yanked him back into the car and sped off back to the closest military base

3 years later, Ghost, Soap, Gaz and Price where all walking together in the forest in hopes of finding food

It had been 3 years since the zombie outbreak and 3 years since you had died

Simon became visibly colder, not caring about himself when fighting, feeding himself last, drinking last. It was like he didn’t care if he lived or died

That’s when they came across an abandoned military base in the woods

They had no fucking clue why it was there but decided to snoop anyways

As soon as they opened the door to the main area they heard a gun click

“Don’t fucking move. Drop all your gear” they heard a youngish voice say

They turned to see a teenager, looked to be around 16-18 but hard to tell since they had a mask on their face, holding a hunting rifle up at them

They did as they where told

Simon spoke up

“We’re not here for trouble we where just here to see if this place had any supplies, we’ll be outta your hair now.” He had his hands raised

That’s when the figure faltered. Pausing for a moment before lowering the gun

“…dad?” They heard them ask

The figure dropped their gun and pulled off their mask

Simon felt his heart jump

It was you, his beautiful child

You ran up to him and suffocated him with a hug

He pulled off his mask and hugged you tightly back

“Oh my god [name] I thought you where dead?!” He sobbed

Your reunion was short lived as another member of your team ran up to you

“We have a tornado forming on the east! We need to lock all the windows and doors now!” They basically yelled

You all sprung into action and after everything was set up and done you all formed back into a group

There where 11 other teenagers, ranging from what looked to be 14-19

You where at the front of the group

“Ok we can’t panic in a moment like this, don’t open any doors leading outside until we are completely sure it’s safe. If there’s someone outside who needs our help. Do not help them…” your voice was stern and loud, commanding even

You walked off and met up with your dad again

Before he could talk with you he looked over and saw a pack of 5 wolves all sitting together

“Bloody fuckin hell!” He stumbled back

“Oh don’t worry, they’re tame, they help us hunt.” You started to list of each of their names

“We also have some other animals in the other room, we made it into a makeshift barn!” You seemed almost excited, completely opposite of your demeanour 2 seconds ago

You lead the 141 to the other room, there was animals like cows, sheep, dogs, cats, chickens, a whole ass farm

“We also have running clean water!” You seemed so proud of yourself as you closed the barn door

Simon felt himself tear up “my strong child, I missed you so much I’m so happy to see you alive.” You where shocked for a moment before hugging him back tightly

“I missed you too dad” you smiled as you both cried together

Eventually the tornado passed and nothing was damaged

But the entire time you where catching up on the recent year, introducing each other to your team mates and you even showed him your modded military weapons you had

He was unbelievably proud of you and so so proud to be your father

[corvidexoskeleton]

Screwed up by accidentally taking Danse's flight suit when I was sorting out his inventory. I was hoping I could give him another one and he'd automatically equip it, but fucking apparently not, now I officially can't complete Blind Betrayal bc he's just marinating in his crisis whilst donned in nothing but his underwear

[dreamii-yume]

SPOILERSSS for Twisted Wonderland Chapter 6 : 1-16!!!

*rubs hands* aight it wont take long before genshin has me in its gacha hell grasp again, I just barely escaped this time— NOW ITS TIME TO SEE THE BOIS CHAPTER 6 omg— wtf happened last time lol it’s been too long

So, no voice over because of some problems which is understandable but— meh I don’t feel like reading lol So I’m watching otome ayui translations this time, because im that one dumbass student who skipped kanji class and now i cant read without sounding like im five _:(´ཀ`」 ∠): “what up im yume im way passed 19 and i never fucking learned how to read”

Also watching Hanayura Kanon stream for the rest that’s not yet been translated lol Because he’s very good at voice acting for the characters and he’s funny af lol

- OKAY OKAY— WTF HAPPENED EXPLAIN

- Fun fact : I haven’t watched Hercules yet so I legit don’t know what’s about to come lol

- Aw, that’s cute— We called over Ace and Deuce late at night AND THEY REALLY CAME OVER AAAAA

- I forgot how fckin pure their friendship is _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

- Aight, so we actually have a huge-ass scratch from feral Grim lol That’s just fantastic, isn’t it

- FINALLY— We’re talking about Mickey and the stones my monster cat has been eating with Crowley AAAAA

- “Yeah there’s this bitch called mickey and i took his photo—“

- WE’RE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT THIS. AFTER 6 CHAPTERS.

- Bruh this crystal of blot sounds really dangerous why are we discussing this just now

- Speaking of this crystal, Crowley— you were looking for this crystal in chap one and when we asked you about wtf you’re trying to find you just went— “oH itS NothING.”

- I SUPPOSED ITS NOT NOTHING NOW IS IT

- I didnt see you searching for crystals after every chapter mr. crowley where were you 👁👄👁 dont you think it was weird that you didnt see a single one after like— five blotting incidents

- Oh so its rare i see— BRUH R U SURE ABOUT THAT grim literally found one every single chap LMAO

- Okay okay— see, he may be violent but listen— you aint gonna throw out my fucking cat okay

- Wh— THERE WAS A FESTIVAL!? Im dumb so its not just VDC LOL

- Listen LISTEN— GRIM IS FINE. HOLD UP— NO NEED TO THROW HIM OUT JUST LET ME HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AT HIM

- Aww, Ace and Deuce looked pissed about it too AAAAHH THE TRUE DEFINITION OF THE BOIS

- BRUH NO— ALL THE DORM LEADERS TO GO AND CAPTURE GRIM?? HE’LL DIE

- CROWLEY PLS— WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, HONEY

- #Grimportectionsquad

- “It’s bout time for them to come” Who?

- FUCKING— CROWLEY STOP SAYING ITS NOTHING— This is why this school is so fucked, you never tell us anything ahead of time _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

- Aight he left, Ace Deuce hurry help me what you guys got

- He may be a monster but see— the worst he did is eat the whole tuna stack SO PLS HES STILL BABY AND I LOVE HIM

- THATS RIGHT DEUCE MY MAN GRIM CAN DO NO BAD I SWEAR

- HE WOULDNT EVER AGAIN I SWEAR

- Ace ヽ(；▽；)ノ The character development— im so proud of you, son

- THIS IS THE BOISSS— LETS GOOOO

- Fuck this is so beautiful— just me and the bois on our way in the middle of the night to find our MISSING CAT I—

- CROWLEY REALLY DID ASSEMBLE THEM DORM LEADERS AAAAAAA AT THIS HOUR TOO WTF

- BRUH WE CAN TALK

- Kalim Kalim Kalim Vil Vil Vil— Pls we’ve been through so much last chapter ＨＥＬＰ

- Leona…A big fat ｍｏｏｄ honestly lmao

- Ey ey riddle pls— dont make this any more difficult—

- Shut up azul stay where u are all you’ve done is nothing but chaos since you arrive so SHHH

- MALLEUS IS NOT HERE AGAIN LILIA PLS— where is he when we need him the most LOL

- Ortho, your bro where?? Also— SURVIVAL STATUS BRUH—

- YES PLS DONT HURT HIM OMG

- oh i forgot idia lives in his tablet LOL OF COURSE

- Omg he’s in the apple trees still looking scary as shi aaaaaaa pls kitty come home u just had too much catnip

- OH GOD 15m HE’S CLOSE

- “Starting operation” ORTHO WHAT TF

- EY EY EY oh good he’s knocked out sighhh

- Aight I know this has been translated but I can’t help but to look at the original japanese and im just— wtf is RTS and TAS idia i dont understand this advanced gamer otaku language

- But Idia and Ortho really do be speedrunning on who can fucking kick my cat the hardest LOL

- THATS RIGHT IDIA You understand me— Fellow cat lovers unite, Grim is very cute, he can’t do no bad

- …so can i have him back pls—

- Can we just appreciate the fact that these bois are willing to take the risk of getting their heads chopped off by Riddle by doing all this for us??

- If this isnt what you call true friendship then i dont know what this is

- Lol ambrose is going to appear in this festival again and crowley’s prideful ass is QUAKING

- WHY are we not allowed to see him crowley im sure we can handle it— We’re the BOIS. CMON

- Imagine if they just summon a fcuking— magic vet or something lol

- It’s the next day lol

- HAH ITS THE VDC LOSERS BY ONE VOTE SQUAD

- I mean the NRC Tribe— ٩( ᐛ )و

- VIL. what you have my queen

- Vil pls dont remind me that my cat isnt here but thank you for saying thank you i do not deserve—

- AWW THE ADEUCE SQUAD LOOKS SO SAD AAAAA

- Vil i miss the bad bitch but absolute oneesan energy but the apology— yeah are we gonna cry again lol

- AAAAAAHH why am i so proud— THAT vil is apologizing

- You dont need to maam what we had in chapter 5 was a fucking journey i regret nothing

- I swear if rook goes like— bitch that aint beautiful imma bonk him I WILL DO IT dont think i forgot what u did last chap

- Man i love me a man who can openly admit his mistakes MMMGH

- Rook i swear—

- Im glad that we’re not toning down ace’s brutal honesty lol

- BRUHHH I DONT LIKE IT WHEN VIL US TAKING ALL THE BLAME i mean what he said was kinda true BUT STILL

- Cheer up Vil, it’s not like it’s a complete failure anyways (；ω；) it was fun at least

- Hearing Jamil encourage Vil like this feels surreal BUT YES BOI U TELL EM

- What is this beautiful character development

- Ooff way to hit where it hurts the most vil my queen lol

- AAGH IT HURTS VIL RECOGNIZING NEIGE’S HARDWORK LIKE THIS— THE PRIDE I CAN FEEL IT ＣＲＡＣＫ

- Bruh we appreciate Neige’s impeccable smile in this household— REMEMBER WHEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE NEIGE’S GON BE A BAD BOI??? WELP—

- It was me, i was that person and i shall drown in apple juice for it

- Of course, the ultimate Neige simp already knows that lol

- Bruh the background music has no business being this sad　ｓｔｏｐ

- I hate it when vil is right sometimes omg— TRUEEE KALIM especially wouldn’t be able to stand properly on stage after knowing Neige’s own hardships aaaa

- NOO BABY DONT CRY

- Vil redemption arc??? 👀👀 you can help us cure our cat—

- !? Are we gonna get that money promised in that poster?? 👀👀

- WHAA FUCKING WAHAA VIL IS GONNA PAY THAT US??? THE WHOLE 5 MIL EACH??!! VIL CALM DOWN WHAT I SAID WAS A JOKE

- Damn vil is ＳＴＡＣＫＥＤ He really didnt want to owe anyone anything LMAO YES QUEEN

- WHA— KALIM IS ACCEPTING??? OUT OF EVERYONE HERE, I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO ACCEPT THAT KALIM

- Kalim is making my heart go boom boom again baby boi ✨👁💧👄💧👁✨✨

- HE’LL DONATE IT TO THE RAMSHACKLE DORM BABY BOIIII

- …sumimasen kalim for having a very rundown dorm 👁💧👄💧👁 but thank you for being nice about it lol

- OKAY OKAY KALIM YOU DONT HAVE TO LIST ALL THE THINGS WRONG IN MY DORM PLS—

- THIS IS EMBARRASSING PLS KALIM IM SORRY FOR BEING POOR

- But this man be such a sunshine holy shit i cant even be mad about it lol

- AW YEAH RAMSHACKLE DORM IS GONNA GET A MAKEOVER

- EVERYONE BE DONATING THEIR MONEY TO US AAAAA Were they always this NICE

- Aight adeuce pls— y’all dont have to force yourself to donate my guys (´；ω；`) being friends is enough lol i get it my bois

- Find me a man who can make me feel like this the way Vil can

- Man if only Grim is here :’) he’d be soo happy :’)) you can have all the tuna you want buddy :’)))

- GRIM PLS ADEUCE IS WILLING TO TREAT YOU TO LUNCH BABY

- Bro this is so wholesome omg

- Im sorry but still up to this day, my understanding of Epel’s accent is still　ｌａｃｋｉｎｇ lmao

- Aight they be talking about how Rook already knew that they were going to lose from the very beginning

- The FORESHADOWING LOL The difference with how Rook said “What a wonderful performance” rather than “What a beautiful performance” sigh

- Honestly we gotta respect Rook’s resolve here lol man just knows what he wants

- Rook and Vil’s friendship lmao

- 👁👄👁 …!?

- EARTHQUAKE WTF How dare you ruin such moment—

- WHAT IS GOING ON

- EY WTF DONT DESTROY MY DORM WTF ARE YOU GUYS

- WHAT ARE THESE ROBOTS OUTSIDERS KILL THEM WITH FIRE

- They look like something that belongs to the Ignihyde dorm HUH

- Oh bruh— Vil in his Dorm Leader mode is so cool AND YES I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE TIME BUT wheww~~ Vil YAS QUEEN

- KALIM TOO AAAAAA JAMIL’S 「はっ！」SO COOL

- so SO— the dorm leader’s have a protocol for outsider attacks like this 👁👄👁 OMG THEY’RE SO HOT

- They don’t seem like our bois anymore aaa just pure professionalism at this point—

- GOD I FORGOT HOW COOL THEY ARE OMG

- HEEEYYY OUR DORM IS GETTING DESTROYED WTF ARE THESE GUYS’ PROBLEM

- We were just talking about renovating it too wtf

- AAAAAHHH HOW DARE YOU— VIL R YOU OK

- Bruh i dont know what is going on but dont touch my man’s face

- They’re targetting Vil and Jamil WHY— overblot men!!??? WHERE ARE YOU— GIVE THEM BACK

- I didnt understand what epel said here lmao BUT—!?

- THEY HAVE GRIM TOO FUCK HE’S BACK LET GO OF MY FUCKING CAT

- WHAT IS GOING ON DARLINGS

- BUDDYY >:’0000 Grimmm MY HEART—

- Are they kidnapping the overblot men?? What— the fucking absolute ｂａｌｌｓ on these robots

- God we’re getting absolutely ｆｕｃｋｅｄ in here

- AND THERE’S A CAULDRON IN THE BACKGROUND LOL DEUCE WENT HAM

- BRING ME BACK MY FUCKING CAT— >:’0000

- I thought there’s going to be a festival not a fucking kidnapping event HEY

- Oh 👀 Rook pls help

- AAAHH SERIOUS ROOK IS HOT—

- IS THE OTHER DORM LEADERS CHILLING WHERE ARE THEY KALIM PLS BE SAFE

- OH RIDDLE IS NOT ANSWERING THEY GOT HIM TOO

- Oh ghad they got him during clubs WTF HOW—

- *nervous hornii chuckling* …angry expression silver 👁👄👁 im sorry

- AAAA Dorm leaders actually be acting like dorm leaders is soo cool i cant—

- Bruh the story is all chaos what is this chapter

- Are they gonna get Leona and Azul too what—

- RIDDLE BABY Jesus christ dont overblot like this again lol

- DAMN HE STRONG FOR A SMOL BOI THO

- Whoever made these robots wtf is their deal lol TO BE ABLE TO BEAT A DORM LEADER—

- …Bruh where is our horned friend when u need him

- Silver and Sebek theorizing with dorm leaders but they took Jamil tho?? It’s probably the overblot men they’re after

- Also Malleus is probably good so you two calm down lol Lilia’s probs having tea with him right now

- Okay, Leona how are you going to get captured KING.

- Omg everything is getting destroyed wtf

- AW LEONA SAVED RUGGIE THATS CUTE AND COOL AF

- Bruh leona these are material robots— cant you just turn them into sand lol

- Oh they do have some kind of brand cmon just turn them into sand pls

- WHAT THE FUCK

- LEONA-SAN!? WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP— OJI-TAN!!!

- OLD MAN WHAT—

- *hearing leona whisper his reasons ✋ 👁👄👁 🤚 okay sir im sorry

- Damn Leona acting like a real prince right now— it’s kinda hot 👀👀

- BRUH PLS COME BACK DONT TALK LIKE YOU AINT GONNA

- BRO WHERE ARE THE TEACHERS

- THE BOARD GAME CLUB

- Idia : “bro we just chilling be cool— MY CHESS PIECE“

- “Aight ortho what’s the situation” “ｆｕｃｋｅｄ＂

- So Idia of course knows about this— why does he look like he’s so done lmao me getting the feeling this isnt the first time idia has encountered this situation before lol

- Man i want to see azul in action too but mehh— Idia told him to settle down cries

- LOL WHAT IS THIS KARONE ROBOTS

- Wait— are they taking idia too?? OH IS THIS THE DOING OF IDIA’S FAMILY

- WHERE IS CROWLEY— THE TEACHERS, YOUR IMPORTANT STUDENTS ARE GETTING KIDNAPPED

- AH THEY ALSO KNOW ABOUT THESE STYX BITCHES WHAT— and they’re just letting them GO whaaat

- Sounds to me that this must be idia’s family taking care of the overblotting students?? Like to protect Idia or something?? I DONT—

- “Gather all the dorm leaders” No, sir, they’re already gone besides my sunshine and the horn boi

- Malleus??? 👁👄👁 TSUNOTAROU

- Pls kill the robots they destroyed my place

- AAH UPSIDE DOWN LILIA long time no see lol

- Bruhh the diasomnia students are so lucky to have Malleus as a dorm leader omg

- BRUH LILIA’S RINGTONE IS SO CUTE LMAO

- Kalim sounds so desperate im so sad

- ARE WE— ARE WE GONNA MEET MALLEUS AGAINNN

- Bruh they just goku teleported their way out of the dorm lol

- AAAAHH EVERYONE IS HERE THIS IS SO FUN

- Wait jack is not here lol did they just forget about him wtf

- Oh shit we here too i did not know LMAO

- S-So are we just gonna..continue school like— like these styx bitches didnt just ruin half the school, my dorm, injure my bois, and took my cat or…???

- GASP AAAA STYX IS A BLOT RESEARCH FACILITY WHAAAT

- So that’s why leona and idia be like bro this is not worth it

- O-Oh yeah— they…they didnt know that Vil overblot— PFFT

- Malleus pls information who are you talking about—

- WHO— LILIA MALLEUS OH NO

- Ey, overblot squad are assembled lol this looks so dangerous

- LMAOO Riddle was sleeping on Leona’s lap for three hours THATS SO CUTE

- Where the fck did they take them, ITS CRAMPED AF

- Bro they’re just exposing Vil and Jamil’s overblot that’s supposed to be a SECRET LOL

- Oji-tan can sound so wise and reliable like this if he really tried lol sugar daddy energy

- Wtf these guys never thought that idia was from a big shot family??? They thought it was just coincidence that they had the same family name PFFT

- AZUL AAAA He was right there my guy BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY MAN

- oh. They finally opened— isn’t this the ignihyde dorm what

- WHAT THE FU— IDIA

- Bro— WHAT WAS THAT IT WAS IDIA ALL ALONG???

- WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER

This chapter is a fucking roller coaster like— literal 0 to 100 ＱＵＩＣＣ From having a moment with Vil and the bois to a FUCKING TERRORIST ATTACK LMAO IM HYPED FOR NEXT CHAP—

It’s been so long, I hope they released the next part soon (๑>◡<๑) I forgot how fine these men are lol at least I want to hear their voices again 👁👄👁

[creacherkeeper]

How is the cowboi doing? :) I’d love to hear about some of their recent adventures.

OH WELL IT'S ME + ALSO MY DICE HATE(/love) ME SO YOU KNOW THEYRE GETTING WHUMPED CONSTANTLY LMAO

there have certainly been some Events Unfolding so those are under the cut, casey since youre in our campaign now NO PEEKING

fair warning this is .... long ..... you have asked me to talk about my dnd character and you simply CANNOT stop the floodwaters now. enter at your own risk

okay so basically the first arc of the campaign kind of kicked off with them getting a vision from their goddess (the grain goddess/goddess of agriculture) saying that she was trapped in a fey gate and that they needed to come rescue her

so erley immediately Rallied The Posse and set off to do that. they NUMEROUS times tried to pray to her, commune with her, basically just get ANY sort of communication or guidance from her, but the dice like to tell their story so i literally never got above an 11 (paladin with only +2 to religion my beloved) and they never heard from her, which was making them. pretty nervous. when it seemed like everyone else was able to talk to their gods just fine

well we eventually figured out that there was a huge gathering of fey in the woods (me: this might be too big for us to fight. what if its like 30 fey? / my dm, glancing at his notes where he has 2000 fey written down: (: ) and basically the fey like. had captured and were trying to kill what was left of the pantheon so they could bring back gaia as the One True God

we found all this out because it turned out several members of the party had been lying about how much they knew of the fey and had personal connections to the fey they'd kept hidden. and erley, who is ALSO HIDING A LOT from the party like. immediately went on the offense and was just generally very unhappy about this

there had been this fey merchant who kept popping up wherever we were trying to sell us magic weapons that seemed tied to us specifically. erley was always VERY suspicious of her and did everything in their power to stop the others from buying her weapons (which we literally had to buy with -5 to a skill point, not money, v sus) to mixed results. but basically when we got to the fey gathering (we called it gaiapalooza) erley rolled a 1 on their survival check to get through the magic field and like. got teleported to her. and they really wanted information from her so they basically were like LEORA I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST I THINK MY PARTY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME, CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM CAN YOU SEE US WHEN YOURE NOT THERE? and basically pretended to need a therapy session in order to milk her for information lmao. she also seemed like. REALLY interested in erley and i was also very nervous about that

and i was RIGHT to be suspicious of her because we found out she WAS ACTUALLY THE BIG BAD and we had to fight her in the arc finale. and several of our party members had rl stuff and were not there, and in game our druid was away casting an 8 hour long spell to try and stop the palooza ceremony, so our party was SUPER nerfed and also as soon as erley realized it WAS actually leora who was behind all of it and she WAS trying to hurt them with those weapons (the weapons were tethers to the gods to be able to kill them basically), they got .... a little angry

and my party found out after irl a year of playing these characters that erley's first level is barbarian :))

so erley raged and did frankly a staggering amount of damage in this fight, and also only stayed up because of rage because they took a LOT of hits. but also. they dont rage FOR A REASON so it sort of took them over and when leora dropped, one of the other pcs ran over to stabilize her as she was making death saves and erley :) maybe :) drove a spear through her heart and killed her :)

and her body immediately just like. overgrew with plants and vines and flowers and basically wrapped the spear in a bed of plants and it was very cinematic and cool

(we have since found out that leora was like. actually an aspect of gaia so. that is. interesting)

of course then erley popped out of rage and was like FUCK this is why i dont do this, i went too far, it always goes too far, THIS is why im ashamed of this, and just got very emo boi about it. so they used their last spell slot to cast restoration on the space they had fought in and reached out to their goddess, having just saved her and the rest of the pantheon like she had asked them to

and i rolled a nat 1!!!

(the dm was like "you have committed this violent act, you feel so low and so bad and in need of guidance, and reach out to your goddess. and the absolute lack of a response just makes you feel empty inside" and i was like :) oh :) okay cool :) you love to see that with your paladins huh)

at this point the druid came back in and, instead of erley like. examining any of their own shit immediately lashed out at her and was like "why did you lie to me about the fey, why did you lie about why you were here, why ARE you here because i realize now it wasnt to help me"

and at that point ONE OF THE FEY QUEENS WALKED IN and the druid was like "... mother ..." and we were all :O

so it turns out the fey queen is her birth mom but had like? kidnapped one of the children of her firbolg tribe and was holding her hostage and the druid was on a quest to find her and bring her back

so erley :) felt :) even more bad about that :) and very shamedly pledged their help to her, and basically was like "as long as youre on this noble quest i will follow you if you'll have me"

so we're on our second arc now, which is traveling across the country to go meet the fey queen and get this kid back. as we were traveling my dm had me roll religion and a luck check and i got a 21 ON RELIGION FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and a 6 luck. and he was like "you dont usually dream, but you have a nightmare. you know this nightmare was given to you, it was divinely inspired, but you dont know who sent it" and it was just erley killing leora over and over and over again. so they were like. well fuck

(my dm also messaged me privately and we talked and he was like. yeah you can get rid of your oath of devotion and change it to oath of the ancients, i am not telling you or erley why the subclass has changed and you also might get nerfed later. also level up barbarian for the next fight)

so erley was. feeling PRETTY DANG BAD and very guilty and stressed and all that. they did also realize their barbarian side was getting stronger which, considering their backstory is all tragic barbarian shit they were NOT happy about. i was fully prepared to have them be more ostracized from the party and go into full angst mode, but then the druid actually like. pulled them aside and explained why she had hidden information from them, and had a very sweet conversation with them and held their hand and it was VERY touching (she also had the baller line "you think your goddess can hear you and she's not answering. but maybe you're talking in a whisper and she needs to hear you scream")

we had another fight (we're level 7 and my dm told us after it was a cr 32 fight like. dude??? what the fuck?????) and once again erley didnt go down only because of rage

THEY ALSO UNINTENTIONALLY CAST MISTY STEP (which is an ancients spell they didnt have before) and were like WELL NO TIME TO UNPACK WHAT THAT WAS RIGHT NOW, HAVE TO NOT DIE

after the battle was over i asked to roll a check to figure out why i had access to that spell and got :) yeah you guessed it :) another nat 1 :) so erley has literally no idea how they cast that or what it could mean. we just had a new pc introduced who is a sorcerer so erley is definitely going to talk to her and see if she knows anything. because they are FULLY IN THE DARK about their subclass change or what that means in game

we're also (because of the fucking cr 32 fight) going to be leveling up again soon, and babey you KNOW im leveling barbarian. after rage kept me up and then rolling another nat 1 religion check, and also me the player not knowing whats up with their goddess/magic, i simply cant level paladin rn. so im BETWEEN A FEW SUBCLASS OPTIONS and ive been thinking them over but i think it really depends how the next few games go

my FULL ANGST option was to make them level into zealot barbarian like their awful dad, but i thought that made the least sense in universe rn

secondary angst option is to level into berserker, which i think fits pretty closely with how i've been roleplaying the rage so far. trading off an extra attack for a level of exhaustion fits pretty closely. also whump central

the NICE option is to have them be a totem warrior barbarian, and have both their paladin steed and their totem be a bull :) (they are a cowboi after all) i think thats the closest i can marry their two classes and potentially have some healthy growth for them, let them see that the rage doesnt HAVE to be a bad thing, that being a barbarian isnt something they HAVE to be ashamed of. reskinning the bear totem would give them resistance to all damage but psychic while raging, and im planning on taking the tough feat, so theyd pretty much be ... an unstoppable tank. plus i can still divine smite while in rage so theyd be VERY powerful

and now youre all caught up on my very special boi :))))) bet you didnt expect quite that much of an infodump but. listen. listen im simply obsessed with dnd i cannot help it. any chance to talk about my characters i WILL TAKE IN A HEARTBEAT (thank u for prompting my ramble lmao)

[0rionz-belt]

i fucking love my minecraft house on the server i play on but this is from before i added a fuck ton of flowers to the front. the server has slimecraft and im going to plant a bunch of fruit trees in back yard and add more paths in front. i did get this house from a youtube tutorial, but that doesnt change the fact that getting all the resources and building this thing took like, 14 hours.

i dont have photos of the inside but i just want to say a very special thanks to whichever lgbtq+ person owns that one map art shop at spawn like...my dude you rebuilt the entire Spirit Phone album cover big enough to perfectly fit a 2x2 map wall and you did it all in fucking SURVIVAL MODE??? and youre only selling each peice for $5k? i have literally so much respect because the price should not be that low for that amount of effort and the $20k was worth spending (not to mention the pride flags as well!!!)

edit: i should probably mention i did not use real life money, its money i made in game by getting a job as a hunter while being immortal because for whatever reason, the first role you get when you join the server makes it so that mobs cant directly hurt you so of course i took advantage of that

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E12

quarantine: may 31 2020

season 2 episode 12: “Rubicon”

the guy is running. watch he just die and no one gets clarkes message. i would love it if clarkes plane just backfired but of course they save him. 

ok but wait why was cage just random carrying a oxygen tank when he himself doesnt even need one.

tsing out here with her own personal army. then just plucking these kids one by one. damn 

these grounders really be listening to clarke just because lexa said so?? damn these grounders be loyal minus gustus and that one guy that tried to kill clarke but then got eaten by king kong

is raven really the only person out here doing all this crap?? like does clarke not realize how big of an ask shes asking of raven? raven is magic and shit but she has some limitations just to be somewhat realistic. just chill the fuck out clarke raven is doing the best out here arguably more than clarke.

i love how bellamy is still wearing that hat still looking like sean malto. but also how has someone not noticed him? but i guess bellamy like joe from you as in if he wears a hat he magically blends in.

“...all of this is for nothing” way to put pressure on prettyboy bellamy like he didnt already know that. chill clarke everyone is trying their best out here. ngl i would hate to have clarke as a manager cuz i think she would micromanage the shit out of people. 

remember in the last episode when clarke asked what her job was well i think that i figured it out:

i also wanna mention that finn literally died idk less than a week ago but clarkes in charge being out and about commanding people years her senior. i get that we had that whole episode dedicated to how finns death affects clarke but still she got over that pretty quick. a little too quick. but i guess that if youre a sky person your emotional metabolism is just through the fucking roof...

ooo clarke still be salty toward her mom. but yeah kane is kinda an enabler

but why do these people have clear paper. the art department is feeling themselves on that one. like is it because they wanted to be edgy and futuristic or is it from an actual realistic viewpoint that the space people dont have trees to create paper................does this also mean that the space people didnt have toilet paper???????? but also back to the paper thing did these kids never learn how to write in cursive??? since i would imagine actual writing utensils are limited so idk if they waste it on teaching kids cursive. actually tho does anyone have an answer to these questions??? 

where did jaha get that antler stick. i kinda want one. i like to imagine that he just saw it lying somewhere on their way to the desert and said to himself i would look epic holding that stick and then went to pick up and started using it even tho he doesnt actually need a walking stick....any hunter x hunter fans?

jaha’s mask at 8:29 is an example of what not to wear during corona season

“thanks for the water?”...while looking down a bit flustered ”its, uh..it was no problem” emori and murphy? ship?

bellamy crawling through air vents to save the day...magenta from sky high who??

also bellamy’s ear piece is giving me everything. *i know that the following meme is just a tiny phone but i just really like it so idgaf

again with the inaccuracy of bone marrow extraction.

but what really gets me is clarke recognizing what procedure is going o just by the sound of a drill. ok who is she? she be like the boy that can identify a vacuum just by the sound. For those that don’t know what I’m talking about:

https://youtu.be/Ar5nLNku0CM

A missile?? where did these people get a missile

But also imagine if clarke was like actually i didn’t catch any of that conversation and bellamy just had to recap it like Luis in ant-man. I would die

thats a lot to ask of raven clarke. Like i could never get that shit done no matter how long you gave me. Yeah ppl be screwed if i was part of the 100

That hug btw Clarke and raven...ship? Jk i know it was just a friendship hug but yah can never know with these writers. Like i honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the writers said enemies (being part of that love triangle with finn) to friends to lovers

murphy and emori are definitly a ship. walking together behind with everyone else. Murphy said “i killed two people. I had my reasons but nobody cared.” Fuck you murphy you killed them cuz you a salty bitch. I also hate how he says this so blasé. Like dude want?? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Murphy also said im the bad guy. Murphy is a billie elish fan?? Duh.

woah when that girl pulled out her claw????? I fell out of my seat. its actually huge. she could grab a whole basket all. They did a great job concealing/ not drawing attention to her hand before like i was so fucking surprised.

“Its pretty badass” and murphy looking at that claw tho...murphy is into kinky shit. But also that look he gave her while she walked away that was the most genuine look I’ve ever seen out of murphy.

Bellamy shoving jasper into a wall and whispering...bellamy and jasper? ship?

this secret talk between bellamy and Dante....bellamy and president Dante? ship?

But i also like to imagine that during this meeting that bellamy has the song dont be suspious. Dont be suspious playing in his head

woah. Mountain man said inconito mode activated. Reminds me of one of those green soldiers in toy story especially during the opening scene of i think the first movie

This character development in clarke is something else like remember when she talked about the grounders wanting finn out in the open and not in private causing a huge public uproar. Look at her now talking in private with Lexa about the missile. Phenomenal character growth if you ask me.

they really put all their eggs in one basket with bellamy. But bellamy be a really good basket tho. Trust Lexa trust.

where tf did this guy get an RPG??

Woah Emori be the real bad guy. But honestly she could slit Murphy’s throat and he would still live because cockroaches can still live without their head.

raven you should have just shut up. You really dropped the ball there.

lincoln???? What are the chances??? Isn’t he still a druggie?? Honestly octavias little speech would not motivate me at all. If anything it would make me want to take more drugs. At this point i would just say to Lincoln “dont fight it”

i like how they took everything but they let jaha keep his stick.

caspian is reall dressed like a hipster that sells artisanal kombucha

Jaha really has some faith in murphy...jaha and murphy? ship?

Also that was a really good shot of them murphy, jaha, and their crew climbing up the hill with a giant moon in the background

Lexa is giving me padme vibez wearing that head scarf like that

they were going to let kane and indra die

yeah sorry to break it to you abby but your child is a killer but then again so are you sooo..you really cant be out here to judge your kid like that. Like mother like daughter. But you really cant lecture clarke on this. you literally gave your husband up and you let your daughter blame her best friend for it. And on top of this you were part of the council that sent 100 kid down to earth without even knowing if earth was survivable. ma’m get the fuck outta here.

but all those lives for bellamy. i think its worth it. Because bellamy is worth everything.

theyre linking arms they got monty no!! absolutely not. they took jasper but i gotta say better he than monty bc Monty is king. Yeah jasper really fumbled with that gun. Really not smart. jasper should have just shot tsing instead

Oof a containment breach. wow what an epic door stop. Sooo loong tsing. That was such a cruel death tho but yeah she kinda deserved it.

Does Dante play the cello?? A real renaissance man isn’t he?

wow this makes octaiva and lincoln like an epic couple that conquered the world. power couple. Goals *gag* but ok does that mean that Lincoln just stopped cold turkey just like that?? Hes just automatically better? No this is not how drug addiction works. But ok sure Jan.

[sikereviewdotcom]

strawberry shortcake s2 ep1 - horse of a different color

this one was suggested by someone who couldnt keep their mouth shut and not sing the strawberry shortcake intro theme in the middle of our economy class

no one wanted to hear that, but they  went ahead and then i actually followed up on that train of thoughts i remembered about the fucking cartoons and i knew it pronto: its a must-see shit its like slightly above the level of magical school bus series, but the final rating is for the fin not the beginning so lets begin this horseshit:

were reviewing “horse of a different color”, it focuses indeed on strawberrys horse, honey pie pony (its her entire damn name, how sweet right? like all of them, i got diabete from this review but its the cost of maintaining this blog anyway, the kids are playing together on a that tree having fun jumping around like chimpanzees hooba hooba but sadly our filly quickly realizes she cant play king kong with them and keep falling on her ass,

yet since theyre all retarded or young (id say its a fifty-fifty case for them kinda normal ig, i mean they ARE literal 6yo) they try several ways of getting her up on that tree, not thinking how to get her down if they ever were to succeed (good for them: aint happening) its child labor too btw, from an horse still same deal what if honey pie fell down on them? crushing them corpses with her mighty pounds? the findus company would be delighted to hear such news, im sure its some quality (sweet ass) horse meat

once it all fails she understands a horse isnt meant to climb a tree, too big too fat its four legged, not even entertaining the relationship giraffes have with trees

but it aint over, then (after a talk with herself) hp hears the laughters of a bunch of kids which catches her attention, it always does who can ignore that sorta noise? although she aint annoyed by it shes just into the idea of riding a bike now, shes even gonna get a go at it oh yea thats it we finally found her human hobby gogdamn shes a backward furry

of course it fails aswell since she has no hand for the handle and shes heavy so i guess its the reason why she rides into w/e and cant stop? because otherwise she couldve also just.. actually it makes no sense does it? i mean she couldve easily stopped the ride actually how is that kid bike even holding her? ive never tried putting a pony on a bike for 6 y/o but i doubt about its capacity in not being crushed aswell as i doubt in the kids bones not being severely damaged after a visit under honey pies horsy buttcheeks

but all of that really makes her sad: she cant play with her human friends and shes the only horse around strawberry land or whatever see me tearing it for her, theres so much emotions in this episode especially after that filly trynna get kids to get into some horseplay horseshit like dude theyre only 6, lets go easy on them, might have a problem with the parents of the kids watching this episode no one even thought how fucked up this one part is? sure horseplay isnt only sexual or w/e but it still is the visual of 6yos on all four jumping around and neighing together with their ass a little bit too exposed wow im going on a dangerous road here? aint i? not gonna sue the writers im sure it was their subconscious speaking probably got issues from their childhood, eventually got them sorted out since 2004 what do i know? aside from me not caring

back on track : after seeing horsey being so sad the kiddos decide to get her a horse friend but where the fuck? they got no idea, they are proud nonetheless and go tell honey the good new until they are like “wait but we have no idea where to find horses!” ofc we get a big reveal, some serious strawberry shortcake lore: actually all the horses, ALL OF THEM FROM THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET are on one (1) single island: ice cream themed to diversify it all they are just chilling over there in ponyland and for some reason this one here got lost or idk guys she took the boat and checked the rest of the world out as an even younger filly, found strawberry and her friends and decided now she was a centaur  slash humanrry furry human, idk you get it but shes their friend and so on to introduce the concept of an AWESOME island full of equestrian activity and ofc ice cream but its kinda lame because who cares? everythings already made out of food, also why isnt the ice cream melting? its one water? nevermind for the introduction as i was saying, hp sings an horrendous sounding song it deteriorated my ear drums they got pierced or something  or maybe im exagerrating? either case horses cant sing:

so to the ice cream land they go, huh

of course it wouldnt be a big adventure without an almost broken bridge oh no whatever shall we do? could we possibly cross it safely? lets try it out  guys: yay it worked good for us little stress and suspense it was wack how they got honey pie out of the hole her big ass hoove made im mesmerized by the power of friendship and sugar at this point, just in full awe for the rest of the episode probably over dosed on all the ice cream flavoured horseshit, i got some all over my mouth its dripping on my desk i gotta clean that later

next thing we know: horses its all this episode is about (aside from labor) but you see, so far hp would switch between normal human language and neighing well turns out her other fellow equines can only neigh and so they just neigh together while our english well-spoken mammal translates to the moronic kids who just smile smuggly

of course the animals are having a welcome party then, dancing around while the morons are just bored, harsh one being a cartoon character isnt it guys? w/e theyre gonna ask for honey pie to come back home now, convinced that her natural habit isnt her place and she loves them too much to just leave them and never come back and break any plans they ever had together- oh shit looks like shes leaving forever huh? what a plot twist mark that on the bitch quota for today

the first one to leave is the little boy btw, important thing to note: hes the biggest pussy he cant even face reality: oh no, no more pony back time before sleep thats quite a bummer, downer and man how are they going to survive now they got no animal to watch over them? jesus theyre soon, on the boat (idk where they got it from idk why suddenly theyre on a boat because then theyre once again gonna cross that bridge but ok) anyway yea theyre having a relationship crisis during that ship trip yada yada ah and the bridge, because (see i do not call them morons for now reasons obviously they deserve this title not only because theyre 6 but also because they are just daft:) they proceed, once in the middle of the bridge all 4 of them, to stop and wonder

“will the bridge be able to hold all of us? wont it break? damn i wonder if it will crack” and they talks without moving until vlam: a tree comes and breaks it (dont ask) so now theyre in trouble:

back to ponyland: bitch pie realizes how much she misses her actual friends and that she can speak english which her other horse friends cant do so she is special and probably abnormal, shes a big outcat of the pony society and has no other reason but to escape her incoming death sentence for fraternizing with the humans of course none of the second part is true, she just wants to see the kids again so she says asta la vista baby to the neigher team and runs away see, she hasnt taken the boat and yet also arrive to the bridge? why a boat sequence then? i will skip this for now but it WILL play in the rating, imagine im the parent of the youngster watching this crap and i have to endure it

if it sucks this bad and is this illogical i might just get bored and change the channel, idc my progeny aint gonna be watching this in either case, ill make them watch political debates then interrogate them on what they learned after what but it wasnt actual political debates just random furry youtuber venting with their fursona sprites animated and thats how you make your kids retarded, the kick of this joke is that i aint planning on getting any kids but totally gonna make them watch classics too such as the attack of the killer donuts as soon as they reach 6 so they wont be dumb and probably not getting diabete or w/e in their adulthood

then honey pie saves the kids btw all of them, heavy shit

and they all go back to strawberryland, happily after a big “wow i missed you sm, you are my real friends w/e if you dont look like me i aint speciest guys really!” theyre all vegan too btw so this works for them i havent watched enough strawberry shortcake episodes to know if they ever eat meat but i have doubts seeing how theyre into a very cannibalistic diet which include eating dessert when obviously thats what they are at least half part, this cartoon raises a lot of political questions it may have a deeper value than i first attributed to it

the end: another terrible song plays about horseshit and how tasty it is

thats all folks

so the rating: big 6/10, so you know 5/10 if its a decent kid show where im highly eager to click on the x and get back making jams but nah

surprisingly enough, i only wanted to stop watching half of the episode and not the entirity of it so credits for thats since im an adult and not a kid, imagining kids enjoyed this sweet childish cartooness or w/e now why +1? its because of how many political questions it raised, how it made me think about our society and cakes yknow its more than kids having a conflict with an horse it talks about veganism, specism, handicap, cannibalism, the management of the limited ressources were exploiting and so on yea really makes you think, its subliminal messages to make kids smarter: they watch their dessert-imbecile counterparts doing bs and then get it right irl: good  ah- it also makes it better for you when youre watching this with your kid, you suddenly transcend to another level of spirituality, existential crisis activated or at least reasoning mode or w/e youre willing to name this the point is you arent bored still despite all of this i rated it quite low for such a serious kid cartoon what couldve possibly made me tic? 1) kids are morons and cant understand all of this, not clear enough for the targeted public 2) projection onto the characters/dialogues from the writers of their childhood traumas (the horse play event didnt go unnoticed, karren brown) 3) my little pony ripoff 4) its controversial, our society, especially in 2004 couldnt understand the depth of this shit and finally 5) i got so much ice cream flavoured horseshit all over my desk god help me this is so filthy what a fucking mess i would totally recommand it to anyone who feels like being blown away by the statements made in this work of art 6/10 but really we all know in the future, itll be a 9/10, some ahead-of-its-time-crap

tg, out

[rosenburg-lia]

What Does One Even Do?

WHAT? —  Lia has Vanessa over to discuss her situation.

WHEN? —   saturday night, april 4th

TRIGGERS? —  pregnancy

FEATURING —  Vanessa Montgomery ( @thevmontgomery ) mentions of Drew Torres and Tori Santamaria

lia: I cant be a mom, I barely even know how to take care of myself. One of the thoughts that swirled through Lias brain over the last hour. Still sat on the side of the bathtub, the pregnancy test laid on the sink. Her elbow resting on her knee as her focused trained on a specific spot on the floor. Her only move since she had seen the test was to grab her phone and text Vanessa. How the fuck does one even begin to take care of a kid? Taking a deep breath as she stood on shaky legs, collecting the test and her phone as she walked out of the bathroom. She couldnt even grab her usual vices to deal with the anxiety raking her body. Her body felt almost empty, her mind filled to the brim, but as she sat on the couch, wrapping herself in a ball, her hands instinctively fell to her stomach.

Vanessa: It was like her mind got a jump start reading Lia's message. Most of her messages went unnoticed, read, but unnoticed. There wasn't any reason she felt the need to see or speak to everyone all things considering, but Vanessa couldn't leave Lia at a time like this. Vanessa remembered going through all this alone. She remembered staring at the test, having no idea who to call and sitting in a dark room for days by herself. Vanessa wasn't going to let Lia go through that. As soon as she reached Luke and Lia's apartment, she moved straight through the house, finding Lia immediately and wrapping her arms around the girl. Was it for her comfort or the other girl's? It didn't matter, they both needed someone right now.

lia: she allowed herself to be engulfed by vanessa. the tears already falling from her eyes as she felt her arms around her. "I fucked up V," She choked out, "I cant be a mom," She spoke, glancing up to meet her gaze. She was grateful she had Vanessa in her life, even in whatever drama she was going through that made her leave town, she was still there when Lia needed her. But it would take some time for Lia, nothing was processing just feeling like facts floating through the air.

Vanessa: "you didn't fuck up, Lia," vanessa replied softly. it was all flushing back to her remembering this moment for herself. distraught on the floor feeling time collapsing. vanessa rubbed her friend's back, trying to provide whatever comfort she could bring. "we're going to get through this okay? together, i'm not going to let you do this alone."

liaa: "yea i did," She mumbled, her mind flashing through the memories of what shed done. Her night with Drew, telling Tori and subsequently losing her for now, and now this. "I cant let you say that without knowing the whole story," She sighed running her fingers through her hair. "The father is Drew," She spoke softly, "And I dont know what the fuck to do.."

Vanessa: it took everything in vanessa to pull herself together. she took a deep breath, "look, drew is an idiot, but he's gone through this before and i promise you he's going to do the right thing when you tell him, but i'm telling you you're going to have to tell him. you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't." she paused, feeling a little choked up about her own situation. vanessa stood up, and grabbing her friend's hand to sit on the tub rail. "we're going to go to the doctor and confirm how far along you are, but listen no impulsive thinking, no drinking, no smoking, no sleeping around, /nothing/."

liaa: her brows scrunched together at vanessas words, "What do you mean hes been through this before?" A sigh as she listened to her words, "I know, I plan on telling him. I will tell him," She paused before mumbling out, "eventually," Her eyes meeting vanessas as she spoke, nodding with her words, "I know, Im really sad too because I picked up a nice eighth," She chuckled, "Kidding...sort of," She sighed, "Im not sleeping around V, I never really have. Im taking this seriously, gonna read all the books and articles. Figure out my choices,"

liaa: "I dont even want to think about how Ill look pregnant, let alone if I have a kid," She spoke, "But I need to know everything, ya know?"

Vanessa: looked down, knowing she had to tell Lia eventually, after all that was the whole reason she came here. "At the end of Freshman year, I found out I was pregnant. He was there for me like with everything. He drove me to all my doctors appointments, let me stay over his place whenever my father got too much, even went on 2 am runs for me to get chinese and crap. And god, did that boy love my son with all his heart," she paused, her voice growing a little weak, but forcing some strength once she looked back to Lia. "He did right by me and he didn't even have to. With you, he's gonna give you and that baby the world if you let him," Vanessa explained. "We don't have to worry about any of that right now. What we need to worry about is you."

liaa: Her eyes widened, but she stayed silent, her brain did not however. The dots connecting in her head when Drew would disappear at times, realizing it was to go visit vanessa, to support her. A fond smile coming to her face as she thought about the boy, even as a best friend, he had been in dad mode from the jump. A part of her feeling warm knowing he wouldnt shove her away, or at least she hoped. "Im scared. Not worried, or nervous. But scared," She spoke, "Its terrifying to know that this has been growing in me, that someone is in there. Not just my organs anymore. I cant just go buckwild when I want because I want. My whole life is getting twisted V,"

Vanessa: "Come on, Li," Vanessa spoke softly. She wasn't going to let her friend be down on herself. She offered her hand out, "I'm gonna do for you what I wish someone would have done for me." Vanessa walked slowly, leading the girl back towards Lia's room and guiding her towards her bed. "Get in. Right now it's the size of a lima-bean at best. All this worrying is going to hurt you more than worrying will hurt the bean."

liaa: She smiled softly, taking her hand, following her through the apartment to her room. "V, its not my place, but did everyone know about your pregnancy? Or just drew?" She asked, "I dont think I want everybody, even the close ones, knowing," pulling the covers of her bed up, curling into them as she laid in the bed. "Ive grown up on worry, I think I can survive,"

Vanessa: pulled out her phone, her home screen showing a photo of Rocky and Vanessa sitting by a Christmas tree with matching smiles that took up their whole faces. "Drew's the only person who knew he was my son for a really long time, like almost three years now. Everyone else just assumed he was my little brother," she explained. "You only have to tell who you want to. I didn't even tell the father until a few months ago. Everyone isn't entitled to your life," she added. Vanessa laid in bed besides her friend, hoping that she was somehow helping. "You've gotta more than survive now."

liaa: Lia smiled as she saw the photo, "Hes adorable V," Listening as Vanessa spoke, her heart warming at the thought of Drew and Rocky interacting. "Im sure youre a great mom," She spoke softly, "Is Dallas the dad? Or did timelines overlap?" She asked, raising a brow, her tone void of all judgment and just interested in the part of her best friend she didnt know. "Why did it have to be Drew? Why couldnt it be Owen or Luke? Did God just wanna send a big fuck you my way? Want to ruin my relationship with Tori?" She sighed, "Or was it karma for not being honest with T from the gun? About everything.."

Vanessa: 's head dropped. She wasn't going to worry Lia about everything going her tragic motherhood. She wasn't a great mother, but that wasn't something she wanted to get into now. "Overlap," Vanessa said lowly. "Hence, me not telling the father until just a while ago." She knew it was wrong and saying it out loud made it all sound ghetto and fucked up, but that was her life. "Drew is not the worst person to have as your baby's father. Luke and Owen are not promised to step up, Drew will," Vanessa explained. "Have you told Tor he's the father yet?"

liaa: She nodded, "Thats fair, and at least you didnt have to lie to someone and or tell them you were wrong or something," She shrugged, "I didnt say he was, thats the issue. Hes perfect, the type to step up and actually support your decisions," She scoffed lightly, "She didnt even hear me out about sleeping with him, I dont think i can ever tell her im pregnant V," Looking at her friend with sad eyes, "It was like she was looking through me after I said it. I dont ever wanna see that look from her again,"

Vanessa: "I don't really wanna talk about Rocky's father if that's okay with you," Vanessa replied, not going too much into the subject. Her son was a sore spot for Vanessa, but the father situation was a whole different kind of pain. "Lia... You don't have to have this baby, you know that right?" Vanessa replied, her words slow so they could actually sink in. "I'm not on anyone's side! But you did sleep with her ex, you couldn't have expected her to just be calm and take that news like a champ. There's very few exes she cares about and you knew Drew was one of them..."

liaa: "Not a problem," She spoke with a nod. She knew better than to try and push Vanessa to talk about whats going on in her head. Turning towards her, a small smile, "I know. Im planning on looking at all options, even the ones that not everyone agrees with," A small shrug following her words, before she went silent. Listening to V speak, knowing she was more than correct in her words. "Its not that I expected her to be calm, but at least hear me out. She just defensive and harsh, which is fair, but i did expect some conversation about it," A small sigh as she ran her fingers through her hair, "its not like I meant to sleep with him V. I didnt hang out with him that night intending to see what his dick looked like, it just happened," Shaking her head lightly, "And I know its not an excuse, but its the truth. It wasnt planned, it wasnt like we ever intended on doing it. The plan was to be friends. Nothing more, nothing less, and now here we are,

Vanessa: "When have you ever known Tori to be much of a talker?" Vanessa replied playfully, shaking her head. "Okay ew! He's my best friend. I really really don't wanna talk about his dick! Whatever reason you had for hanging out with him is your business, but you've got to know that something was going to come from it. Drew too, but look we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now you need to get some sleep. All this worrying and back and forth isn't going to make this easier on you or really anyone involved."

liaa: "We've always been friends V, chaos comes to both of us, its enjoyable together," She shrugged, "I had never planned on being anything with him /after/ he got with Tori," She spoke, "All I know how to do is worry, especially when everything seems to be falling apart at the seams," It was true, everything she had known, was crumbling around her. Leaving her by herself in the storm, hanging onto Vanessa for dear life. "I just want it to be easier, but it wont be. And I know that,"

Vanessa: "You just gotta give her time, but you've also gotta be okay with the fact that she might never forgive you either," Vanessa explained, as much as she didn't want to think it would happen––Vanessa knew her best friend. "Whatever you decide to do, you know I'm gonna be by your side," Vanessa replied, interlocking her had with Lia's. "I wish I could tell you things are going to be easier, I really wish I could," she added softly. She'd be lying to saying anything about it, Vanessa knew /not/ knowing was always the easiest part. "It won't get better, you'll get better."

liaa: "I know, and I accept that. As much as it hurts, I know that she has that right. I betrayed her trust," She shrugged, "But shes always been there, i hate thinking about her not being here," A smile as she felt Vs hand in hers, "I appreciate you so much. For not judging more, or at least expressing it, and for being here. I know youve gone through something recently, and we dont got to talk about it. But it means something to me that your here right now," She spoke, an honest tone in her voice. "But youd be lying," She nodded, "Ive been told that for a while now. Seems like false hope,"

Vanessa: "Don't beat on yourself too much. We both know our girl can be a little dramatic," Vanessa explained. The last thing she wanted to do was be in the middle of this with all her closest friends involved, but Vanessa knew that everyone would be at each other's throats if she didn't stick her nose in it. "Lia, I got pregnant at 14 and became a teen mom at 15, I'm the last person who is ever going to judge you," Vanessa said softly, brushing a strand of hair out of Lia's face. "You know I'd be here for you baby, *but* if you do this dumb shit with Dallas I will put nair in your shampoo," Vanessa teased, wanting to lighten the situation. "You know I got you, pumpkin," she added, resting besides Lia.

liaa: "We all can be, and thats the real issue," She joked, "we all are dramatic bitches and most of the time it works for us," She knew that calling V automatically put her in the middle. It wasnt her intention, she genuinely just needed the girl. "I hope you know I understand if you decide being a part of all this drama is to much. I wouldnt be mad," She spoke, a small shrug at the end of her words, "Youre a strong person V. I know a lot of people dont tell you that, or praise you on other things. But going through what you did at that age, its tough for me now, i cant imagine three years ago," A small smile at Vanessas touch, "I would never with Dallas, hes like a big brother," She chuckled, "Can I admit something to you?" Her eyes turning to find Vanessa in the small light her side lamp gave off.

Vanessa: "I'm not dramatic! I'm just use to a certain lifestyle and anything outside that will be met with outing and tears," Vanessa joked back. She was going to be involved whether Lia called or not. "If you hadn't had called me, one of them would have." Drew would have called or even Tori. Somehow Vanessa always found out. Her head dropped somewhat, a long breath following before looking back to Lia. She didn't feel all too strong, the compliment falling somewhat on deaf ears. "Yeah, what is it?"

liaa: "Yea, not dramatic at all," She spoke sarcastically shaking her head lightly. "You arent wrong," She shrugged lightly, before her hand came up to play with my necklace. "Remember that guy i was into before tori and drew got together?" She questioned, turning slightly to look at V.

Vanessa: "Luke?" Vanessa asked raising an eyebrow. "Or does this have to do with those nice little Tiffany's necklaces you have for each day of the week?"

liaa: She chuckled lightly, "Ive always been into Luke, but its more of a sexual attraction than romantic i think," A small shrug, "And the necklaces are a whole different story for a different time," She rolled her eyes teasingly, "But seriously, again, youre the first person im admitting this to," She spoke before a deep sigh, "The guy was Drew, I had feelings for Drew. But then he got with Tori, and I distanced myself. Allowing the feelings to leave so they could be happy,"

Vanessa: "Plus Fiona would have your head if you tried anything that resembled a serious relationship," Vanessa teased. Her mouth dropped open wide, shockingly surprised at Lia's confession, though if Vanessa was using all her brain cells she could have known. "Amelia Jane Rosenburg!"

liaa: "Bitch I can take Fiona Coyne, shes not as big and bad as she pretends," She chuckled lightly, but knew that there was truth lingered within her words. No one that ends up with Luke or Fiona will compare to them for each other, and Lia wasnt gonna compete with that. "I know I know! But I did the right thing! I wasnt a bitch about it!"

Vanessa: "She will literally /buy/ you! Shit, I'd let her buy me if it weren't for her brother being the hotter Coyne," Vanessa joked. "Plus you can't fight people like Fiona Coyne, they press charges and then run to their men acting like you beat them or something then Luke's just gonna end up mad at you." She would never understand the girl's desire with the eldest Baker, but then again Vanessa's conquests never made sense either. "Did he know?"

liaa: "Yea yea yea, ive been told," She rolled her eyes, "I want to fight her. Ive wanted to for a while, not even because of whatever the fuck the relationship between me and Luke is. Shes just not a good person to me," She shrugged, "I dont think he did considering he tried to console me when it was brought up one day,"

Vanessa: "You're not fighting anyone," Vanessa replied, rolling her eyes playfully. "Do you want to be with him still? Like forget the bean in your belly and Tori, do you actually want to be with Drew?"

liaa: "I want to fight someone, but i can not right now," She spoke, a small shrug. Her eyes looking at the ceiling a she thought over vanessas question. "Yes," She answered, "Hes amazing V, in every sense. Sure hes made some dumb choices, we all have, but god that kid has a heart of gold," A sense of honesty in her tone as she spoke, "He makes the hard seem easy just by coexisting with me if I need him. Hes always willing to distract me or talk shit out with me. When weve gone out hes fought dudes for me because they cant take no," She chuckled lightly, "I want it V, i really really want it,"

Vanessa: "Then you know what you need to do," Vanessa nodded. She knew this was going to be a ride if they were to actually get together, but if Lia was happy Tori would have to come around at some point right? "My mama use to say everything's going to be okay in the end, if it's not okay.. it's not the end."

liaa: "I need to run to alaska and change my name," She spoke with an affirming head nod. Smiling at her words, "Your mom seems like a smart lady. My mom is a cunt," She shrugged with a small chuckle, "Can we just cuddle and sleep? Im done thinking about this,"

[jeldyap]

IRONMAN WACO 2022 Run Leg (26 miles = 42 km) As much as I want to do a quick transition, I can't. My energy was depleted in the bike leg. So, i took my time, wore my @on_running socks and shoes, the cloudboom echo, and checked my watch to see much how much time i have left before the cut off. It is almost 6pm. My cut off time is 1:04 am. At this state , I can't do a run. I would just do my usual post to post walk-jog combo. So, off i go. I was just walking the first 2 miles but after snacking the potato chips and coke in the aid station, i kind of got back at the present moment, and i was able to do my run-walk strategy. At this point, I was already catching up to those who were in front of me. My pace is slow. Its survival of whatever you have. I was feeling good until i hit the wall in between mile 12 and 13. I was in zombie mode. I was walking with eyes closed. I BONKED!!!! AGAIN!!! 😬😬😬 SO, i made the decision to take a break. I sat down on the bridge, closed my eyes and bowed down my head. I had a power nap for 20 minutes. This was from 9:11 to 9:31 pm. I am used to power naps as i work night shifts as a nurse and after the nap, i would be renewed. So, i took the gamble and It paid off. I felt refreshed when i woke up. Checked my watch, i have almost 3 hours and 30 mins to complete 13.5 miles. So now, there is pressure. I see athletes walking but there is a sense of urgency. Everyone is hurrying to meet the cut off. I went to an aid station, took my @surphyto Pills and off im back at it. On the 16th mile, my battery died. Im running blind now. I have no way to check the time. I just kept on chasing the other runners in front of me. On mile 20-25, i saw runners in agony, cramping and barely can make a step, but they are still pushing. It was inspiring!!! I talked to them and everyone was encouraging everyone. I offered my @baseperformance salt to some who cramped up. Finally, as I was about to go up the bridge for the finish line i cant help but feel the sigh of relief. I finished the race with a total time of 16 hours and 35 mins. 25 minutes before the cut off. This was painful and its worth it! #onroc #discoverouterspaces @on_running_nation (at Waco, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj4Yz_3raK_/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[solangelover]

um id write this myself but im not a great writer... i NEED a fanfic where the nico bean is crying in his cabin because he got hurt during training and its a lot worse than he let on and then the will bean walks in and sees him crying and immediately goes into concerned doctor mode tm and could you please write this for me i cant survive without it

A/N: SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. It took sometime to figure out because Nico is tough and doesn’t cry over small injuries.But here it is :)

Read on AO3 or FF.Net or Wattpad

Nico was learning to live at CampHalf-Blood. He was still getting used to waking up for breakfast, though hewould usually skip it if he really didn’t want to care that day. He was stilltrying to figure out why people enjoyed singing obnoxiously at the camp fireevery night.

The one thing he knew he’d always likewas training. Any kind of training made Nico feel good. He felt useful andactive, and he didn’t have to talk to anyone unnecessarily. Nico’s favoritesparring opponents, besides Jason and Percy, were the Ares kids. They had themost fire and trained just as much as he did. Those who were all talk and hadlittle skill Nico enjoyed putting down quickly, the only way to tell a child ofAres that tact and training was actually important.

Any of the older Ares campers usuallyliked to spar with Nico. They were mature enough to appreciate all that Nicodid in the wars and were only slightly afraid of him. Today, Nico was sparringwith Chase, a son of Ares that was bigger and stronger than Nico. Not that thatever stopped him before.

“Pretty good, Di Angelo,”Chase said while wiping sweat off his forehead. They had been going at it for abit, both enjoying the burn in their muscles.

“Same to you.” Nico wasprobably a bit more tired than Chase, seeing as he had to use his speed to movearound quickly. He couldn’t overpower Chase even if he tried, so dodging andjabbing had been his strategy. Unfortunately, that left him tired, and hissword arm had already been hurting before training, probably from avoidingtreatment in the infirmary. It was only to spite Will, who had beenparticularly overbearing that week. Or maybe Nico had just had a bad week andcouldn’t take the nagging. Hard to tell.

As Nico and Chase did their dance fora bit longer, Nico’s weariness began to slow him down and caused more and moreclose calls. At one point, Chase slashed down at Nico, an easy enough move toparry. Unfortunately, Nico couldn’t move fast enough to counter or dodge, sothe sword ended up making contact. He more saw the sword slice his arm thanfelt it as it cut into his skin. Dammit,was really all Nico could think in the moment.

Nico fell back onto the ground asblood gushed out of his wound. Chase almost seemed surprised that Nico fell,standing above him for a moment in shock.

“Oh shit,” is how Chasecleverly reacted. Then he noticed the wound. “Oh shit.”

“Nice battle, Chase.” Nicocringed at the tightness in his voice. He didn’t usually outwardly show hispain, and he had a high pain tolerance anyway, but his arm currently felt likeit was on fire. The moment he hit the ground, the wound began stinging andthrobbing and burning all at once. He’d had his fair share of sword training-relatedinjuries, but this one hurt the most by far for some reason. It had a lot ofblood coming out, but generally it looked pretty typical. Nothing out of theordinary in the training arena.

“Dude, are you okay? That’s a lotof blood there.” Chase looked slightly concerned, probably because hewasn’t used to winning against Nico di Angelo, let alone landing a hit.

“Uh, yeah, no, it’s fine. It’sjust a surface wound. Looks worse than it is.” Nico could barely pick uphis sword from where he dropped it and put it back in its sheath, but whatever.He struggled to stand for a second before Chase offered his hand, which Nicogratefully accepted. Once on his feet, a few black spots danced in his visionwith the amount of pain in his arm, but he managed to stay upright.

“You need help going to theinfirmary?” Funny how Chase assumed he’d be going there. Nico guessed anysensible person would. He probably should.

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks for thespar.” Nico stumbled over to a shadow and disappeared before anyone coulddo anything.

—

Nico landed with a thud on the floorof his cabin.

“Ugh,” Nico mumbled into hisfloor, “This isn’t the infirmary, Nico.”

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’thave shadow travelled. Now his head hurt and he felt even dizzier than he had atthe arena. He momentarily forgot about the injury and moved his arm to sit up.Unfortunately, he was painfully reminded as a new wave of blood began to flowfrom his wound, accompanied by a sharp sting shooting up his arm. It was sobad, Nico actually felt tears prick the back of his eyes.

He attempted to stand, but he was intoo much pain and his muscles were still tired from sparring.

After lying on the ground for minute,Nico readied himself to move. He carefully pushed himself up with his good armand crawled over to his bed. Using his bed frame, he pulled himself to his feetand stood there for another minute. His head was still spinning and his musclesstill burned, but he somehow made it to his bathroom. He was vaguely aware ofblood dripping down his arm onto the floor, but he didn’t have the mind to careat the moment.

When he looked up at himself in themirror, it wasn’t a pretty sight. He looked paler than usual, making the darkcircles under his eyes stand out. His black hair was sticking to his face fromsweat. And his arm. It looked horrible now. It had fresh red blood all over andsome yellowish liquid as well, which didn’t make Nico feel better. He couldn’tactually see the wound due to the blood, so he knew he had to wash it off.

Nico carefully moved his arm under hissink faucet, wincing as he did so. He slowly turned the water on, letting itrun over the part of his arm without the wound. He lightly rubbed off the bloodaround the cut, finally putting it under the water. He hissed, pain shooting uphis arm. Tears sprung from his eyes as he attempted to clean away the blood. Hewas surprised at how much it hurt since it really shouldn’t be this bad. He wasonly sparring after all.

When most of the blood was gone, Nicofinally saw the cut - it did not look good. It was an angry red color andswollen. Along with the redness, it looked yellowish white inside the wound.Really it just looked gross and Nico had no idea why.

Then he noticed the other marks aroundhis wound. His scars and stitches Will gave him for the scratches from Lycaonwere red and reopened. Which probably explained why it hurt so much.

Well. Will was going to kill him.

As if on cue, Nico’s cabin door burstopen and the son of Apollo marched right in. When he got to the bathroom, Nicolooked up and made eye contact with him. Will saw the tears spilling fromNico’s eyes right away and knew that this was more than a typical sparringinjury. Will’s expression change immediately from anger to concern. His eyeslanded on the wound and Doctor Mode™ activated.

“That wound is infected. It needs tobe treated right now.” Will’s stern doctor voice told Nico that the injury wasworse than he thought.

“I know, that’s what I’m doing,Solace.” Nico’s voice was shaky and not as strong as he had hoped it would be.He didn’t even know why he tried to pretend he was fine. His arm felt like itwas on fire and he was sweating profusely, not to mention his dizziness.

Will took two strides to reach Nico,his eyes never leaving the wound. “You need more than water, idiot. You needmedicine. You need to come to the infirmary. Now.” Then he looked up intoNico’s eyes. Nico could see that, behind the doctor concern, there was realconcern for Nico’s well-being. He suddenly regretted getting himself into thissituation and upsetting Will.

“I—“ Nico began to say something,though he wasn’t sure what, but got cut off.

“The infection is in your bloodstream. Your immune system can’t handle it without help.” Will reached forwardto put a hand on Nico’s forehead before Nico could even react. He didn’t seemto mind that it was wet with sweat. “You’re already running a fever. And I canfeel some darkness in you. You shadow-traveled here didn’t you?” Nico openedhis mouth to reply, but Will didn’t let him get a word in. “You’re gettingweaker every second. We need to go, now. Can you walk?”

Nico nodded, which made him dizzier,and took one step before swaying and almost falling over if not for Will’ssteady hand on his good arm.

“Never mind.” And with that, Willscooped Nico up in his arms, told Nico to hold his injured arm steady, andwalked quickly to the infirmary. Nico didn’t dare complain, one because Willwas in Doctor Mode™ and nothing would sway him, and two because he was weak andtired and this was nice.

When they got to the infirmary, Nicowould’ve immediately passed out on the bed, but Will said, “Nico, please stayawake for a bit longer. I know you want to sleep, but I need to make sureyou’re good before you rest.”

Will gently rubbed a salve on Nico’sarm that made it go numb. Then he set to work, doing things Nico didn’t care tokeep track of. He felt a dull pain, but he was so sleepy and feverish that hedidn’t care anymore. Nico vaguely remembered Will saying that he could sleepbefore his eyes were finally too heavy to keep open.

—

When Nico came to, he felt gross. Withhis eyes still closed, he could tell that his bed was a bit damp from all hissweat. He felt cold now, so the fever must’ve broke while he slept. That wasgood.

He reflexively moved his arms to shiftin bed and found that his injured arm felt okay. It wasn’t perfect, there wasstill dull pain, but nothing like what it was. He did feel something weird onhis arm though, so he finally cracked his eyes open.

It was probably afternoon time,meaning he slept for a while. That happened pretty often when he was sent tothe infirmary for legitimate reasons (Nico doesn’t consider Will’s littlecheck-ups legitimate). Nico looked down at his arm and found it had thisplastic thing on it, almost like a dog cone.

“What the…” Nico mumbled as he satmore upright. That’s when he noticed Will slumped in the chair by his bed. Hemust’ve stayed to make sure Nico woke up. It was both endearing and annoying toNico that Will put himself through these things for him.

At that moment, Will stirred, his eyesslowly opening. When he registered that Nico was up, he bolted up out of hisseat. “Nico! Oh gods, are you okay???” He looked Nico up and down, assessinghis health quickly. He put a hand on Nico’s forehead. “Oh good, your fever isgone. How do you feel? You’ve slept for like a day. Are you hungry? Does yourarm still sting? Does your head hurt?”

Nico was used to this little freak outthing Will did. As a doctor, he’s usually calm, but for some reason Nico alwaysgot frantic doctor-Will. Probably because he always had bad injuries. “Will,I’m fine. Thanks to you. But why do I have this thing on my arm?” He lifted hisarm slightly, glad that it didn’t hurt to move it.

“Oh, that. You were scratching yourarm in your sleep, so I had to cover it so you didn’t reopen the wound. Orshould I say, wounds.” As if Willsuddenly remembered why Nico was this injured in the first place, his demeanorchanged into the upset but caring friend that he was to Nico. Not Nico’sfavorite side.

Nico only smiled sheepishly, awaitingthe lecture he’d known was coming.

“Nicodi Angelo. First of all, you didn’t come to the infirmary yesterdaymorning, or the mornings before that, for your check up on your summerinjuries. I told you that they’re almost, butnot completely, done healing. This thing might not have been so infected ifyou had come in.” Will put his hands on his hips, his anger rising a bit as hereached the next part of the lecture. “Second, why in Hades didn’t you come straight here after the match?? I know thatyou know that you should have. A wound this bad must have hurt a lot prettyquickly.” Nico hated it when Will was right. “You wouldn’t have felt like shitif you’d come quickly. Or accepted Chase’s help in getting you here. Yeah,shadow-traveling when you’re not totally healed was a way better idea.” Will rarely swore, even mildly, and used sarcasmwith patients, so Nico knew he was in trouble. Will just looked at Nico,waiting for him to say something. Probably the wrong thing.

“In my defense,” Will quirked aneyebrow at him, “I had kinda meant to shadow-travel here. I just… missed.” Nicowasn’t trying to justify his actions. That was the only thing that came tomind.

“You’re an absolute idiot. Want toknow why it hurt so much?” Nico nodded. He was wondering about that. “It’sbecause you reopened the Lycaon scratches. Let me remind you that Lycaon is avery dangerous and powerful being, and fighting him could have easily killedyou. So, having reopened those with a dirty sword was not very good for yourhealth. The infection spread quickly, which is why you had a fever and weredizzy. And that’s adding on to the dizziness you already feel from shadow-traveling.”Will sat down after all that, sighing as he said, “I’m just glad you’re betternow. Chase had come to me and told me what happened right when you disappeared.He probably knew you weren’t coming here.”

When they made eye contact, Nico couldsee that Will’s sharp gaze had softened. He felt bad for causing such a fuss.He really had no good reason to, it was just his natural tendency to deal withhis own problems. Now, people actually cared and wanted to actively help him.It was still relatively new to Nico.

Nico looked away from Will. “Sorry. Ididn’t mean to worry you. I swear I wasn’t avoiding you or anything, I reallydon’t know why I didn’t come here… I just… I don’t know.” Nico was looking downat his hands in his lap. Will reached out and gently placed his hands overNico’s, causing Nico to look up at him. Will understood that Nico was stilllearning to trust others. Will gave him a small, understanding smile. Nicoreturned the gesture and continued. “But thanks for healing me. So, I’m goodnow?”

Will stretched and stood up. “Uh, no.You’re stuck here for three days, Death Boy. This is to take care of thatwound, which you will NOT be reopening ever again, and to punish you for youridiotic actions. I swear, I’m gonna have to start monitoring you at all timessoon enough.” Nico didn’t really think that last part sounded too bad, but hekept that too himself.

As Will walked away to get food, Nicosighed, settling back into his pillows. He was going to be here awhile. But, aslong as Will was there, he guessed it wouldn’t be too bad.

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICO!!! Also I don’t knowhow infections work *shrugs*

[hauntedlikeahuman]

my higher power

Happy born day to my angel. Your birthday is exactly a week after mine, i was born to never forget you. I think about your birthday a week before i think about my own birthday, and a week after your birthday i’m still thinking about you. 

I feel like everything i am today is attributed to you. and its something im trying to understand. im trying to believe this makes sense or has the potential to make sense but. still just trying to keep my head abpve water 

its crazy cause you passed away about 4 months before the pandemic and quarantine and all the hate and violence and bigotry and heartless monsters were the stars of our collective nightmare. i was suprisingly unbothered/privilaged in 2020, in comparison to others. i was annoyed at the world for suffering after me and the people i love finally clawed our way to not suffering. then nothing healed, everything internalized and it compounded over that year of absolute chaos and pain, and it was waiting for me when i got out. which meant people were even less open to hearing about it. people were talking about suffering because they couldnt go to the olive garden or get a haircut. and through all of this shit i was annoyed at the fragility of people. the entire time i knew the world would be fine and would go back to relative normoralcy and adjust. I KNEW THAT PAIN WOULD END FOR MOST PEOPLE AND I WOULD HAVE TO PICK MINE BACK UP AND START. ALL OVER AGAIN

i havent made a new friend since you passed. i have not shared a piece of me with anyone. i feel a connection with no one because no one feels like you. when i think i want to open up to people, im always somehow reminded of how theyre NOT like you and thats all i can think about. its like trying to find people to connect with but you have to seriously lower your standards for connectedness or be alone and never have a true connection ever again cause you were the ONE and youre gone now, even after all those years of surviving. so fuck it. seriously, fuck it. i dont even care about being a good friend to anybody anymore. i feel like ive lost that ability because ive lost you so i cant see the good in people, i only see how inferior they are as loved ones in my life. people i love will lowkey disappoint me when they do things you would never do to me. you are always the standard comparison. its literally a curse. you. cannot explain any of this shit to anybody so what the fuck is the point if i can never get over this? i literally dont ever want to make friends who will not live up to you. it is absolutely a waste and being alone forever feels like the better option for my heart 

like i cant fucking believe im in this world without you. i will never get over it. it is the biggest fucking joke and i cant believe im forced to be here when youre gone and jude and noah have to grow up without you. i hate the entire world for that. im pissed that this is really how things have worked out. im pissed that we’re told in rehab that all our friends might die and you think theyre just serious about saving your life so of course they say that cause they cant be wishy washy, they need to be deadly serious. you KNOW the statistics but in this moment you still feel like a warrior among warriors and theyre saying that for all the OTHER people who cant stay sober... and 5 years later you suddenly realize that everyone really did die and they were right. and then you wonder if they even believed they would be right or if they were handing heroin addicts with gentle hands and sticking to the all or nothing bottom line because of how fragile that life is and because of all the funerals they have attended. i think about all the people who were in that room with me who are now gone and wonder if they thought they would make it. its like youre trained to never get too comfortable with your life. and you will enter recovery for the first time and feel like youre on a cloud and met the most amazingly strong friends and then slowly you watch them fall off, relapse, go to jail, get kicked out of rehab, in the. hospital with a blood infection or texting you asking you if you have any old anti biotics because they have an absyss and cant afford. to go to a doctor or have. a warrant or cant bother being admitted to the hospital for an abcess when you have a heroin habit to keep up on. the hospital is the least comfortable option at that point.....

let that sink in

the hospital is the least comfortable option for someone who sleeps in a park and has to beg for food and spend every waking hour in problem solving mode with only very temporary reprieves from the pain and the shame. and youre treated like trash the second people realize you dont have a home. its the most absurd nonsensical shit youll ever experience  and then they actually do all end up dying. i have a vivid. memory of the people sitting in that room with me who i didnt wanna lose..... theyre all dead. except one. i’m not lying... its really hard to not keep score at that point. my friends thrive and rebuild and change other peoples lives along along the way and then die at 4 years sober... literally am worthless compared to all the people who should be here instead of me. i still cant even fucking stand life. and sometimes i feel guilty and ashamed and mad that you left me here. and im fucking worthless in this world compared to you. i have not been able to get myself back in the gym. i literally cant do shit without you and im paralyzed without realizing it. when i try to tell people that i literally dont give a fuck about anything because i’m already carrying the greatest injustice of my life, i really mean that shit. im not exaggerating for literary purposes. these are things that break my heart in retrospect. 

it took me up until the first anniversary of your death to actually piece together the fact that literally the whole fucking world went to shit after you passed. i swear to God thats not a coincidence. shit i never thought i would never see in my entire life was happening right after you were gone to the point where i was so distracted with that atrocity, i wasnt even tending tending to the atrocity in my heart. 

im trying to want to believe that makes sense 

the first anniversary of your death came on the day the election was officially called a victory by Joe Biden. Literally what the whole world was waiting for, including myself. i watched people celebrating and parading in the streets and finally being relieved. i woke up with you on my mind way before i heard the good news and was quickly reminded that my heartbreak goes on. couldnt even distract myself with social media. i feel like i’m always the one sad on the days of celebration. and its not even about me just seeing some shit on social media one day in 2020. in 10 years this day will be in the history books my kids will read and i will hear about it in my classes in the future and i’ll be 83 years old in November 2073 and you will still be on my mind

[harryff]

Chapter 2 Aria Part 1.

Trigger warning: Sexual assault, domestic abuse. Please call the 1−800−799−7233 if you have suffered from any abuse.

In the next upcoming months Aria and Harry reconnected. Her album was to be released soon but she longed to go back to the days she sang background for the band.

Laying in bed she remembered the day Liam and Harry got into a fight over whose part she will sing along with and somehow she managed to appease them both. It was the first time Harry truly noticed her as he tells it to people.

It was currently 10pm in New York  which meant it was 3am in Manchester where Harry was working on his album. Aria was supposed to be asleep instead her mind raced filled with anxiety she couldn’t relax instead her thoughts took her to the worst possible outcomes for performance the next day. To help pass time she texted him

Aria: I miss you big head lol😚😙😋

Aria: I can’t sleep😣😣😓😓☹

Aria: I wish I could call you but you’re sleeping beauty and you definitely need 6 hours of sleep at least or youll be evil lol 😴😴😴

Aria: Remember the time i made you stay up for 24 hours and you were grumpy the whole day and I had to make it up 😉😂

Aria: I have to perform tomorrow. I don’t want to. I’d  much rather go back to the good old days where no one knew I existed

Aria: I still laugh at the memories of you falling on stage…. clumsy prince

Aria: I’m gonna have diarrhea tomorrow theres no  way I’m gonna survive

Aria: Sorry TMI 🙊

Aria: Since I cant bug you you’ll wake up to like 20 texts. 😜

Aria: she sent picture of her sleeping with the teddy bear he got her 2 years ago

Aria: Me and Mr. H miss you

Aria: I had to give him surgery awhile back. Roxy the little shit ripped his eye out. I almost cried 😢😢😢

Aria: Imagine me a grown woman crying over a stuffed animal. 😂😭😭😭

Aria: I went into panic mode!! That was not a contingency I planned for she just bit his eye and yanked it out! Then she starts running with it! In her mouth! Chewing it!  I never truly knew what panic was till that moment!😲😲😲

Aria: Damn dog😒😒😒

Aria: Arent you supposed to be up running? It’s 3

Aria: I miss you again

Aria: I don’t want to perform Harry

Aria: Will you be disappointed in me if I quit?

Aria: Will you call when you wake up?

When Harry woke up at 5am his time he read the texts laughing she was definitely panicking her nerves were getting to her because she was a chatter box.

He called her via Skype

Her computer facing her she raised up hearing the call she clicked the mouse before falling back in bed.

“Aria” he said watching her move around

“Yes”

“I see Roxy is around Mr.H” he said noticing the dog by her side  

“Yes she was on 1 month probation after she did that”

He chuckled

“It’s not funny” she said sitting up

“Yeh ok?”

“No” she said looking down  

“Yeh’ll do good!”

“I don’t like performing in front of people”

“Yeh did when we went on tour”

“Yes but no one knew it was me”

He sighed

“I have to perform for the executives at 9. Practiced my ranges”

“Don’t strain your voice”

“I know… what are you doing today besides calming my nerves”

“Just tha'nd recording”

“You’re working on your 3rd album?”

“Yes”

She smiled “you have great bed head”

He laughed “are yeh not sleepy?”

“I am I keep jerking in my sleep”

“Just relax poppet”

“I’m trying”

“I have to go for my run”

“Ok i’ll call you when I get done”

“Ok” he said blowing a kiss

She caught it.

Harry: How’d it go? He asked when she didn’t call by the end of the day he wondered how things went

Aria: 😭😭😭😭😭😖😓

Harry called her

Harry: Pick up poppet

Aria: No 😭😢

Harry: howd it go

Aria: ‘need more practice’

Aria: Tommy said ‘on a scale of 1-10. 1 being pretty bad  and 10 being the worst performance ever that was a 7.’ 😭😭😭 I can’t do this

Harry:😒😒 drop him he’s a shitty manager

Harry: Pick up poppet please

She took a deep breath before answering his call

“Hey” she said

“Where are you?”

“At home”  her voice broke

“Aww pet”

“I can’t do this Harry”

“I think yeh need another manager”

She sniffed “I wish you were here”

“I’ll be there soon pet”

She remained silent

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

“My voice  shook the whole time….sang off key sounded like shit”

“It’s alright Aria”

“It’s not,” her voice was soft. “I’m not made for this.”

“Aria yeh are” he stressed

She sighed “how was your day”

“It was wonderful recorded 3 songs”

“Good”

“My album is done will you listen to it?”

He paused “i don’ kno’ if i should.” He was hesitant. In the past she depended so much on his opinion he got frustrated with the search of approval from him.

“Ok fair enough i’ll have Mr. H listen to it”

He remained silent

“Maybe i can do like a Sia thing but cover my whole body be in dungeon somewhere”

He was still quiet

“Ok Harry good night.” She said ending the call. She knew him too well he was asleep.

As she sat aimlessly looking at the ceiling she contemplated all the different things she could do to put an end to her contract. Get sick with a virus, purposely damage her larynx, car accident etc. When Harry awoke at 3am his time he called her she stared at the phone contemplating whether she would swipe right or left. The screen went dark she thanked the gods for not making her make that decision.

At 10 in the morning she found herself in the studio listening to Thomas or Tommy berate her

“ARIA! Im talking to you!” he said snapping her out of her thoughts

“Sorry” she cowered away

“WHY” he paused “why didn’t you perform like you did in this video? you were so good then what is it now?” he was showing her a video of her singing at a local jazz bar. There were only 10 people, people she would never meet this was different this was executives and produces people who had the power to build or destroy her career with one move.

“I dont know im just nervous”

“ABOUT WHAT? WE HAVE DONE EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN TO GET YOU TO NOT BE NERVOUS? SO WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT NOW?

“EVERYTHING!” She argued back before looking at her phone Harry had called her 5 times already.

Harry: Aria are you ok ive called you multiple times

She recorded Tommy

He hit the wall beside her “YO YOU A FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT IT’S A WASTE OF TALENT YOU HAVE. I GOT A 10 YEAR OLD WHO WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR SPOT!” He walked away from her “…SO YOURE TELLING ME YOURE GONNA LET SOME 10 YEAR OLD OUT DO YOU? DO WE NEED TO MAKE YOU SING NAKED NEXT TIME?”

She spoke softly “Im sorry I can’t Tommy”

“DONT TOMMY ME! TELL ME YOU CANT! YOU JUST DONT WANT TO!  YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED FOR YOU! YOU OWE ME THIS!”

She sat silently and hit the send button

Harry: get up and walk away. He texted feeling his anger rise if he was there his fist would be connecting with Tommy’s jaw

Aria: I cant

Harry: Aria get up and walk away

Aria: he’s blocking the door.

She remained quiet waiting for the vent session to be over.

“You have a show tomorrow Chicago Bulls so get ready. Ya ass aint making a fool out of me again” She nodded leaving the studio. She ignored Harry for the rest of the day working on her vocals. She sat at home working on her ranges.

“You sound good Ria” her grandmother said cooking

“Thanks Grandma”

“Whats wrong?” she noticed her behavior

“Tommy screamed at me… told me lots of things i was an embarrassment to him… grandma i don’t know if i can do this”

“Youre too good dont let him ruin you!”

“I know”

Her phone lit up it was Harry texting her.

Harry: can you call me please

She stood up and went to her room to call him

“Aria” he said looking at her on the camera

“Hey” she said getting comfortable on the bed. Her eyes were puffy her nose was red. “How was your day?”

“Good.. are yeh ok?”

“I’m ok” she sighed

“Wha’ happened with Tommy”

“Have to perform tomorrow”

He tilted his head in confusion

“Yea”

“Don’ wan yeh to be sad pet”

“I’m ok Harry. Me and Mr. H will be tough” she joked

He chuckled “I’ll be there soon so save some luvin for me yea?” “No you dont get any”

“Wha’? Why?” he smiled

“Well see me and Mr. H have a bond even you can’t break. I have been there with him through thick and thin” her eyes welled up “and he wont” her voice started to break “and he wont let me down and i won’t do the same to him… sorry i dont mean to cry”

“Aria dont cry pet”

She chuckled wiping her tears “I don’t even know why im crying Harry thats the problem. With Mr. H i know i cant let him down"

“You never let me down" he spoke softly 

“I have, i know that, but im trying not to.”

He sighed not knowing what to say. She was always too hard on herself. Her worst critic never letting up on her imperfections. “ ‘M gonna go to bed” he mumbled

“K good night” she said before ending the call

The next day she walked onto the court her hands shaking getting ready to sing the national anthem. Tommy had softened his tone but his words were still harsh. She found herself panicking 30 minutes prior, hunched over with a paper bag to her mouth. The cameras flashed she brought the microphone to her mouth. She closed her eyes imagined she was at home. When the song was done people jumped to their feet cheering her on. She thanked them and rushed off court. It was one of her best performances.

“WHOO!“ Tommy cheered “THAT WAS IT! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!… You sounded so good. Thats what you do in front of the execs don’t worry about them you got this Aria!”

She smiled taking a deep breath in she wanted to leave there was no celebration for her this only meant the inevitable an album release and a music career.

“Thanks Tommy can i go home now?”

“Nah lets go party!” “I really dont want to”

“Look its for your image just one drink” he begged

“Ok” she sighed as they made their way to club she texted Harry

Aria: I think i did ok everyone is happy

Aria: Going to the club with Tommy

Aria: Text you when i get home

It was supposed to be the club but they pulled up to his house, there was a party going on

“Tommy i thought you said club” she said giving him a look

“I know but house parties are fun!”

She shook her head this was her first time in his house “I’m not”

“Please just one drink you promised”

“Fine one drink and i’m done”

An hour passed one drink turned to two and two turned to three she thought. Her head was spinning, Tommy was being too friendly, he was groping her in places he shouldn’t have. When she tried to leave his grip on her wrist tightened when she fought back he put her arm behind her making her face the crowd as he dry humped her from behind. When he dragged her to the bathroom she used the opportunity to escape.

“Come on!” he stressed in a playful tone licking her neck forcing her against the wall

“No stop”  she said weak from the concoction she was never a light weight so this was not the norm for her He hit her thigh “I said come on!” his thigh wedged between hers his tone changed he was being forceful

“Stop Tommy” she tried to fight him off

He held her hands above her with one hand while the other groped her body “You know you want this dick, Harry can’t do you like me”

“Please” she begun to cry she was too weak

Abruptly the door swung open. The man looked at Aria’s face “Yooo chill!”

“I’m not doing nothing” he said stepping away from her with his hands up

She quickly maneuvered from him he reached out for her but her arms were too quick on her way out she fell to the floor. Only managing to stand up and rush up the steps she found a room and locked herself in it. Quickly she dialed Harry’s number forgetting he wasn’t in the US, when she remembered she called her grandmother

“Aria do you know what time it is? im asleep!”

“Grandma please come get me” she sobbed on the phone

“Whats wrong?” she sensed the urgency

“He almost raped me i dont know whats wrong with me”

“You stay there i’m calling the cops”

“NO! please”

“Where are you?”

“Tommy’s house on 3rd bellavue house with all the cars”

“Stay where you are I’m coming!”

It felt like eternity waiting for her grandmother. She was finding herself waking up from an unconscious ous state every 5 minutes. She was fighting to stay awake. Her phone rang 4 times before she awoke

“Hello? Hello? Aria!?”

“….Grandma?”

“Where are you? You tell me now or i’m coming in with my shot gun!”

“I’m coming don’t” she said weak

Slowly she stood up her legs felt like jello, she opened the door and walked to the staircase  held onto the railing with a death grip the party was dying down. She saw him at the corner of her eye he was mingling slowly she walked down the steps trying her best to  not draw any attention to herself.  When she got to the bottom of the stairwell. The door seemed so far away there were so many people in the way she tried to quickly move around them

“Aria? Is that you?” she heard his voice

“ARIA! I’m calling you!” fear took over she was pushing people out of the way, when she reached the door she opened it and collapsed her grandmother already standing outside her car ran towards her

“Aria” he spoke in her ear as pulled her up. She winced away

“YOU GET AWAY FROM HER!” her grandmother threatened

“I’m just trying to help her out”

“YOU TOUCH HER I’LL BLOW YOUR WHOLE FACE OFF!”

His temper rose “CALM THE FUCK DOWN OLD BITCH!” “I GOT YOUR BITCH TOUCH HER AGAIN AND YOU WON’T HAVE A DICK” She whimpered standing up

“Aria are you ok?” she spoke to her helping her up

She limped to the car her ankle sprained

When they got to the house it took her grandmother 10 minutes to wake her up

“Oh thank God! Aria what did you drink?”

“I don’t know” she said turning her head away from her

“Let’s get you in the house”

She slumped on the couch her grandmother close by the whole night.

The next morning she woke up with a splitting migraine confused about what happened

She groaned her memory was hazy, she remembered drinking a blue motorcycle and Tommy being aggressive she remembered him walking her to the bathroom his smile on his face his eyes telling her something else

“Oh mi nieta you’re awake!”

Her voice raspy “Grandma what happened?”

“Thomas tried to rape you!”

She thought “No… what?”

“Aria you called me you couldn’t even stand! you need to call the cops i think you were drugged”

“He what?” she sat up needing to piece things together

She picked up her phone there were texts from Tommy

Tommy: i hope you had fun i had too much to drink

Tommy: im sorry about what i did I love you😗 Aria i would never hurt you i was just fucked up Tommy: shit you were too,

Tommy: grinding on me i miss read the signals, you know that right? You know how i get when im fucked up

Tommy: tell your g ma to chill i was fucked up too shit you were too

Tommy: call me when you get this

Miranda: 😁😀YAY bestfriend you did good!

Her mind tried to remember what happened but it couldn’t dnt her wrist was bruised, she rubbed it to sooth the pain.

“Aria you need to call the cops!”

She shook her head “I don’t”

“Well freshen up clear your head”

“How’d i get home?” she looked around

“I came to get you! that rapist was trying to pull you back in”

She stood up and fell to the ground

“Ahh!”  She grimaced  grabbing her swollen ankle

“I think you sprained it” her grandmother picked up her foot “here put it up let me get some ice”

In the bathroom she undressed she noticed bruises on her neck, her thighs and knees when the skirt fell she covered herself with her hands, she had no underwear, she could not remember what happened to it. In shower she tried the best she could to remember she couldn’t. But she also knew something wasn’t right. she scrubbed hard feeling dirty. She felt a sick feeling from the pit of her stomach she hunched over unable to stop it. She vomited.  

In her sleep it came to her in a flash

She saw herself drinking her drink.That nauseous feeling intensified

“I gotta go I don’t feel good.” she steadied herself by holding his shoulders

“No stay” he rubbed her sides

She shook her head “I’m leaving”

“I said stay” he insisted pulling her back, her back to him he breathed on her neck. She moved her neck  away “Mmmm you have a nice ass” he said before smacking it

She shot up in cold sweats her head pounding was it true? Did he really do that?

She looked at her phone there were texts from Harry. He sent her a screenshot from the tabloid the caption “Looks like you and Thomas had fun, you did great! I watched it! what a way to celebrate😂😋” the picture her hair on her face with one arm behind it looked like they were in the middle of a dance. Her wrist ached as if it had a memory of the pain that was inflicted upon it. Harry was oblivious to the dark truth. feeling nauseous she jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Rising slowly she cried looking at herself in the mirror.She blamed herself she should have known better. She should have been more careful.

Picking up her phone there was another message from Harry

Miranda: Bitch call me you look lit😂😜

Miranda: Umm that picture doesnt look right call me 🙁😕😞

Harry: call me when you wake up pet I miss your voice😗.

She snatched her laptop from the floor quickly she searched flights to Manchester leaving the next day. She was willing to pay any price once she got the confirmation email she hopped off the bed and three clothes into her suitcase

Her grandmother walked into her room “Where you going you can’t leave!”

“Manchester”

“Are you going to tell him

“I can’t even remember what happened! if it happened will he believe me?”

“Aria he can’t get away with what he did! now I don’t know how the music industry works but that man cant walk away from what he did to you!”

“I know mimi”

“So call the cops”

“I..” she looked to the bathroom

Her grandmother stressed her point “tell him.. Harry will know what to do…. have you talked to him?”

She shook her head

“I’m not going to let this go”

“I know”

“How’s your head?”

“Pounding”

“Well relax I will finish packing for you”

The next day she found herself in Chicago O’hare limping around she hadn’t told Harry about her plan to stop by.

Tommy: You haven’t called are you ok

Tommy: just call me or send a text to tell me your ok

She felt sick looking at the texts holding onto Mr.H she walked around till her flight departure time. When she landed at 2pm she made a beeline for his condo.

She knocked in the door she quickly wiped away her tears

“Yea yea!”  she heard his voice through the door

He stood confused for a second before his face  lit up

“Poppet! Wha’re yeh doing here?“ he asked lifting her into a tight embrace

“I missed you” she confessed

“Yeh  should have told me!”

“I just did!” she said forcing a smile

He leaned down to kiss her she could only manage a few kisses it was killing her.

“What do I owe this delightful surprise?” she shrugged walking in

“Hey” she greeted his band

“ARIAAA!”

She smiled

“Yeh should have told me really” he said pulling her down on his lap. “ ‘M flying to London tomorrow family time”

“Oh” she said looking down

“Yeh’ll come with me?”

She nodded

“Wha’ happened to your foot?” Weezer asked  

“I fell... heels”

“All that partying yeh ‘nd Thomas did” Harry commented “yeh never texted by the way”

She swallowed hard smiling at him “sorry forgot”

He raised his eyebrow

“So what are you up to today?” she asked

“Last recording session are yeh ok?” he noted her pale complexion

“Yea, just cold”

“Yea we gotta go mate” Stevie said noticing the time

“Oh shit! Yeh want to come?” he said standing up

She shook her head

“Jet lag?”

She nodded

He leaned down placing his forehead on heres “Ok well yeh kno’ where the food is. Don' eat all my bananas. I’ll be back ok?”

She forced a smile fighting the tears “yes”

“Are yeh sure you’re ok?”

She hated that he could read her like  an open book

“Yes” she said kissing him

“One more” he said biting his lip

She wrapped her arm around his neck. It took all the energy she had to put passion into the kiss

“Oi!  we gotta go.” Stevie said

As the  day turned to night she sat crying on the couch. She checked her emails wanting to tell her grandmother she was safe. Her heart dropped seeing Tommy’s name on the list she hesitated to open it. When she did it was a picture of her in the airport the title read Aria party girl rushed to Manchester to see Harry. The caption read Rumor is he called her screaming mad about the picture of her and manager Tommy G. His email: Im fucking calling you and you in UK? We got sessions you better be back by Tuesday. She felt sick to her stomach they couldn’t be more wrong. Sleep finally seeped in after hours of laying awake. Her memory flashed through her dreams

“Come on” he says grabbing her hand he had a goofy smile on his face  pulling her towards the dance floor

“No Tommy” she tries to resist

He pulled harder making her collapse into him “damn baby! I didn’t know you wanted it  like that?” he chuckled

“Stop” she pushes away from him

His hands grab her ass he is holding her in place as he rubs his nose on her neck “you gonna feel so good on my dick”

She sat up immediately tears flooded out of her eyes this couldn’t be happening she thought. She got off the couch and went to  lay in bed. A migraine already thumping through her brain she lay in bed when she heard the door open she turned on  her side pretending to be asleep.

Harry quietly took of his clothes and retreated to the bathroom. She could hear him humming behind the water. When he got in bed he cradled behind her kissing her cheek before falling asleep. As she begun to get sleepy she prayed she wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare. In  the morning her prayers were answered she softly  got out of bed and got ready. Harry woke up an hour later.

“Wha’ do yeh want for breakfast pet?”

“Nothing this is fine”

“ ‘Re yeh sure? you’ve been pushing around the cereal for 5 minutes”  she was in a daze she didn’t notice

She shook her head “it’s fine I promise” she lied

He grabbed her hand “Ok are yeh sure? cuz i’ll get yeh anything yeh want”

“I promise” she said forcing the spoon in her mouth.

When they got to his mother’s house she was greeted with love

“Aria come in we have missed yeh oh I always knew yeh two would get back together!” Anne hugged her

She smiled

“Aria!” Gemma greeted her “finally someone we like… no love”

“When are yeh goin to marry her Harry?”Anne asked

“Oh muuum” he fussed

“ ‘M just saying she took yeh back it’s a sign”  

Gemma chimed in “Yea no one wants yeh but her so yeh need to be in your knees”

“These’re strangers not my family I don’ kno’ wha’ alien planet they come from” he joked causing them to laugh

Gemma grabbed her hand dragging her away from Harry “We have to catch up that dress at the wedding to die for where did you get it?”

“Michael Castello designed it”

There was a lot of catching up to do which Aria gladly agreed to do anything to take her mind off that night

At dinner she sat once again pushing her food

“Do yeh want something else?” Harry whispered

“No!” she got scared “this is fine!” she put a mouthful in her mouth

He gave a look she was definitely being strange. She had no appetite there was a raging migraine  she was trying to calm down. After yawns went around the room after dinner every one retreated to their rooms

“Ok off it pet what’s  the problem?” He asked while they lay in bed. He was trying to find out what was wrong with her

She spoke softly “Nothing”

“No there’s something big show comin’ up?”

“No just thinking”

“About?”

She shook her head and smiled

“Yeh don’ wan’ to talk ‘bout it?”

She shook her head

“Ok” he looked down at her holding Mr.H  “You’ve been holding him awfully tight can’ yeh hold me like tha’ too?” He joked

“No you might break” she teased

“Wha’?”

“You might break” she held back her smile

“Are yeh saying I’m weak?” He asked towering her

“……..Yes”

“Yeh wanna test tha’ theory?” he asked before  kissing her deeply his kisses made her forget momentarily but when he started grabbing  her thighs and kissing her neck is when her mind refused to let it go. She froze eyes shut tight. He noticed the tension in her body he raised up to look at her

“Aria wha’s wrong?”

“Nothing”

“You’re stiff as a board look at me” she opened  her eyes “wha’s wrong?”

She sighed “I can’t…. not tonight”

He huffed “ok” he gave her sweet kisses

“Sorry”

“Don’ be luv is just sex…  I can take care of  myself” he said winking

She giggled “Perv”

“Hey only for yeh”

“I guess I should feel special”

At night her prayers were not answered. Her mind took her back to that night

She looks around people are dancing she doesn’t know where she’s going but Tommy is pulling her towards it.The bathroom door is kicked open and he pushes her inside

“Stop it Tommy” she says trying to walk passed him. He closes the door with his foot. He charges  towards her stuffing his tongue in her mouth. She pushes him away and slaps him. His hand is immediately around her neck his eyes cold and dark he pushes her against the wall. “bitch ill kill you matter of fact” his other hand loosens his belt

“please” she begs clawing at his arm he pulls out his penis, "you know you want this dick" he jams his knee into her thighs forcing them open. “shut up.” He reaches up her skirt to rip off her underwear. He pulls hard making her body jerk forward before the fabric gives way. "Harry cant do you like me" He gets closer kissing her neck she tries pushing him off he places both arms above her head holding them by the hands he reaches between her thighs she’s crying “please” she begs. He stops and looks at her he licks his hand before he palms her vagina. He moans “you wet already, just how i like it”

She shot up from her sleep in a cold sweat immediately she ran to the toilet a violent vomiting spree was to begin.

Harry groaned “Aria?” he turned to his side to confirm she wasn’t there

“Aria” he called sitting up hearing the vile noise. Slowly he got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. He knelt down beside her rubbing her back

“Something yeh ate?” he offers explanation

She nods in agreement

When she’s done her hands are shaking she can barely wash her face. She was pale as if she saw a ghost

“Wha’s wrong?” he asked noticing  her expression

She turned around with tears in her eyes if he only knew

“Shhh it was just a dream” he sooths her hugging her tight.

But it wasn’t was it? Tommy really did those things. The reality was setting in.

In the morning she continues to rub Harry’s arm unable to fall asleep she lay awake against his chest

During breakfast she checked her phone

Tommy: Where the fuck are you at

Tommy: you think it’s funny you fucking with my career

Aria: I need more time please

Miranda: so you really gonna ignore me your bff?

Mimi(grandmother): Aria have you told him

Aria: Not yet I will soon I promise

As Gemma and Aria shopped around she tried her best to act natural.

“Are yeh ok?” Gemma asked during lunch Aria even though trying her best was very distant

“Yea!” she said putting on a happy face

“Sure? yeh look pale”

She smiled “Yea lack of sun” she joked

“Tell Harry he owes you a vacation”

She smiled Gemma her biggest advocate always made Harry go out of his way for her “Only if you come too!”

“You know it!”  

As the day wound down she hopped the night would be gentle on her she couldn’t wake up from another nightmare.

“Did you see this?” Harry laughed showing her a picture of her crawling up the stairs. Who would possibly take that picture and furthermore insinuate she was going to have sex with Tommy?

She smiled

“Yeh were having fun weren’t yeh?”

She remained silent

“But ’m glad yeh ‘nd Tommy handled your differences” he said falling asleep

She melted into his chest not wanting to remember anything

The next day she Aria, Anne, and Gemma decided to clean up then treat themselves to dinner. She got multiple texts during the day. People were asking her about the picture.

Miranda: uh you need to call me NOW! i know your ass didnt fuck tommy

Miranda: you disappeared to Manchester whats up☹

Miranda: ARIA what did Tommy do to you? Why did Mimi call me crying???😭😭

Aria: i can’t talk about it Miranda, not now

Mimi: have you told him

Aria: not yet Mimi

Mimi: im not playing do it or  I will

Aria: ok ok

~With Harry~

“Whoa Harry have you seen this?” Weezer asked

“Wha’?”

“Look” he looked at the heading Tommy G accused of sexual assault 2 victims have come forward the caption: ‘Both victims claim it happened in his house we will keep you posted’

He frowned “he didn't” he paused to think  remembering the dirty glances he gave women

“I gotta find out more” Weezer said scrolling through his phone

As the day went on he couldn’t help but think about it. It gnawed at him this was her manager, someone who was close to her.

“Oh shit! Now they are saying one of the girls was assaulted the night he partied with Aria”

Harry tried to shake it off. “no he couln’ have”

Stevie rushed to him“Harry have you seen?”

“Yea” not wanting to be bothered by it

“No look!” Stevie said shoving the phone at him 

Harry looked at him before grabbing the phone he read the words ‘A witness has stepped forward caught him in the act.’ As he read the details his heart rate picked up ‘…. walked in  on him with his female artist.’ Tommy only managed Aria and another female artist who was absent that night

“Have yeh talked to Aria maybe its someone else” they tried to reason

“Did she tell you anything?” Gigi asked

He looked at them “no she would tell me”

When the day ended even Gemma got notifications on social media people were tagging her on the posts. Aria’s phone was buzzing nonstop.

Miranda: Aria

Miranda: dont ignore me im your best friend,…. thunder buddies for life

Miranda: Aria

Miranda: did it happen?

“Aria wha’s this?” Gemma asked showing her the article.  Her heart sank reading the article Tommy was getting charged with sexual assault. Two victims identified one had yet to come forward.  She was the remaining piece.

She shook her head “its nothing”

“They’re saying you’re the other woman is it true?”

“Other woman for what?” Anne asked taking the phone from Gemma’s hand

As Harry rushed to his mother’s house he thought to himself those pictures that were taken, she did look uncomfortable in Tommy’s embrace. The bruised wrist she explained away seemed to be the one he was holding behind her back. She also never got that drunk in public so it was strange that she got that drunk, even when she got drunk she was never that sloppy, falling all over the place hair in her face.

As Aria tried to convince Gemma and Anne that wasn’t her her phone lit up

Miranda: Shit is hitting the fan I hope you told him

Tommy: you bitch

Mimi: hope you told him  

Aria felt her breathing hitch

“Aria this sounds like yeh!” Gemma said reading more articles

“It’s not” she whispered

Harry rushed through the kitchen door he walked in “Aria” he called

She smiled at him but stopped soon after his face was one she couldnt read ”….yes” she answered warily

“Yeh promise to tell me the truth?” it was supposed to be a statement but came out as a question

“Yes anything” she half smiled

“Wha’s wrong Harold?” his mother asked noticing his expression

He paused before speaking standing across from her. His eyes burrowing into her soul. “Wha’ happened that night at Tommy’s house?”

She looked down. Her nightmare was coming to life. It seemed forever when she heard her name being called.

“Aria” Harry called his eyes were becoming more bewildered by the second, her silence was confirming his gut instincts. She looked up at him before looking down. Pulling at her sleeves occupying her hands. She was losing the battle on holding back her tears. It wasn’t long before he called again.

“Aria… I asked yeh a question” his voice assertive he walked closer to her searching for her eyes. His breathing uneven. He needed her to tell him nothing happened. Everyone was looking at her waiting for an answer.

“ARIA!” he screamed in frustration. He startled them.

“Oi! Wha’s going on in here?” His dad asked walking in

The tears won they poured out of her eyes

“Aria tell me wha’ happened!” anger spewed in his voice

“Harold!” his mother scolded in a whisper

“Oh my god!” Gemma said in shock

The whole room came to the realization something dark happened that night. Her behavior made sense now the lack of appetite,the pale look on her face, the vomiting, the insomnia, the night mares.  

“Aria” he whispered she had yet to speak. He needed her to say it was a joke. That there was no way it happened.

She looked up at him with tears rolling down her face, her hands were shaking pulling on her sleeve  “please don’t make me go back to that night” she spoke softly

“Oh!” Anne grabbed her chest “yeh poor thing” Anne immediately rushed to her side and held her in a tight embrace.

“Harry he didn’…. did he?” Gemma looked at him hoping he could offer up a reason

He squatted down. Holding his head. There were no longer butterflies in his stomach from fear of the truth. Fear was replaced with anger which started from his chest and radiated out  “ ’M GONNA KILL HIM!” He said standing up

“Oi! Stop that!”

“Dad not right now!” He paced the floor “…. That BASTARD put his hands on yeh? im going to kill him!

“CALM DOWN HAROLD!” His father said grabbing his shoulders

Aria sobbed in the background. He should have known something was wrong. Her eyes told him something was wrong they were filled with sorrow. He pushed passed his father going outside.

“Oi! come back’ere!” His father chased after him

Gemma knelt down next to her crying and hugging her “Im so sorry Aria”

[originalkittensublime]

...

(NOT EDITED) Not sure where to start. 

I was gone, then I was gone again. Then I left her. But didn't let go ..ever. 

Now I'm back in the city. Of course, I was on that street, of course, I was passing by her work a few times. 

When i saw her first time...from the car, from the other side of the road...my whole body was stuckstucked...like some kind of electricityelectrycity run through it... 

wow. Like there was huge physical response. Mega huge. Then I was there again from the other side... and she saw me. And again boom. I hoped she wouldn't

Now I'm waiting for her to come. Not in a place I wanted, and not in a place she said.. so

...

3.1.20

So it was just a randomrandome coffee place. I was nervousnervouse as fuck, when i was waitingwiting few times i was going outside. If ill be still smoking i would, alot. Then she wrote me she is outside...1 sec and im out. just going there. Going there to hug her. I wasnt thinking i just went there and hugged her, and jesus... that feeling...i missed her so much. She was smiling, she seemedseemsed to be ok. We went in, she was happy as fuck. I was reading. I started to read and all the pain i was trying to get over in past month was comingcming back. All that nightmare we went through... when I was saying I can'tcan live like this anymore coz its killing me, i was saying it all the time, writing even screaming at her, and all she heard was, I will be alwaysallways here, we will make it. And then I left. Which made me a lier in her eyes, made me the person who through her outr of the windows, doors and all the other escape holes on the street like a dog. (her words). I read it all. There were a lot of love, alcohol and some drugs. There was changes, written on a paper. I have no idea about real changes. I believe that people dont change. And when they change for another person it'sits never healthy and good. 

I saw on a paper that all her world is me. That her love is so huge, that it took all the place. Which isn'tisnght sound good...but then.. Somethings turned, changed. 

She was mad again, that kind of mad I'm scared to death, that kind of mad which makes me silent and i cant talk. And then i knew will come that "So?"with that look i was scared too... What could I say if the only thing i was saying was that im not going to be back no matter what. She was mad. Mad that i was there. Mad that i was a ghost. Mad that im not back. Just leave or stay. I decided to leave but never left in a way she needed it. i should probably block her...kindergartenkindergarden... 

After she said "don't you ever come to my face" and left to the bathroom, I did what i thought was the best decision, don'tdont come to her face. As i was going away she run out from the coffee place like a hurricane. Throwing things on the floor. Mad as fuck. Screaming at me all kind of those things... She asked me if i something something like a cunt. Cunt) I said yes. What else could i say. I was going away. She was holdingholing me and she was screaming at me and begging to stay at the same time. I saw all the pain again. Also she said that all her days arealre filled with pain even tho she is calm and ok. 

All the things why i endededned it happened that night again. Fuck, how hard was to just stay with my decision. I just wanted to hug her and all would be good. But that'sthats what we were doing all those 3 months. Just being in the present moment doing things that feels good now. Now I'm focusing on the future. 

You were saying me all those things didn't realize that that'sthats what is frighteningfrightenign me the most. Those things would never make me stay. If I'd stay that night, that would be just coz I would want to stop your pain. Not out of positive feelings towards you. Which is wrong. All the things I'll write and all the things I'll do in the future, you might say i don't love you coz if i would love you I wouldn't dowouldn'tdo and say those things. But please realize, that its not that i don'tdont love you, our love is just very very different. Very much. I read this line when i was around 12 and i rememberedremebered it for all my live "just because a person doesn'tdoesnt love you the way you want, it doesn'tdoesnt mean the person doesn'tdoesnt love you from all the heart". Hear? 

Now let me explain. I will explain as much as i can, i will be writingwrting for as long as i can. Coz i think you need and deserve to know and to understand. I cant talk with you. Coz you with your reactions and negative emotions blocking me and i'mim just stuckstucked in myself and in blaming myselfmyslef for everything in this word. 

Now I feel, that I'm recovering fast. This month without you saved my life, the factfack that my phone died saved my life!! Coz if it wouldnt just die i wouldn be able to just let you go, and i would again focus all of my on you, not on myslef. 

You said that you were hoping that I was thinking about you sometimes, that you was there in small things. Dear, you were everywhere. It wasnt for me easy breazy vacation. I didnt have fun, laught and had sex all days long on a sunny beaches. It was completly different story. Which is my story. JUst mine. I went there to come back to myslef. That what i was doing there all the time. I wasnt about anyone inthe world. Just me for me. I needed to recover from all the hell weve made. And I did. And i might seem for you now cold and heartless. But If i wouldnt we would end up in the same shit. 

Im not onlynot gonna be back in those states where i was before i left. I will not even go that direction. Not even one step there. I realized where i was emotionally. And when with a bit clearer head i looked at it, i was shocked and surprised that i got there and survived it. 

And no, I wasnt giving you "half" that time, as you said me in the car. I gave you 150%. And the only mistake i made, was that I dave you too much. I was surviving with you in a mode that couldnt least for a long time. Just that time i didnt realized it. I thought Im doing right. I did what i felt that time. I was never actually lyingling to you. 

I will repeat you things Ive said many times again for the last time. You were for me special. And you know very well, that I have in my life few more very special people for me. They never went anywhere, even when i was with you. And for the last time - you were on top of all of them, I never gave that much to anyone in my life. That is one of the reason why it dint work. I got into this .. how was it bittersweat tornado, and I focused on you too much and lost myslef. 

Thats not how I love, thats not how my free love works. I locked myslef and I died. And i killed you. I had no idea that time it would be like this. But I couldnt not try. I wouldnt forgive myslef. 

You would do anything for me. You dont want anything in this life just to be with me. Somehow, anyhow. Just to be. Seems like you would do anything, anything just to keep me at least a bit, at least once a week. Im everything for you, and thats the reason i cant be with you. 

For me this is not pure and healthy. The only way I could be in some kind of contact with you, would be if you would have your life and priorities, and i would be somewhereon a second third place. That I would know that I'm not your world. That I'm not the only reason you don't feel pain. Only if you would be able to be happy individual I could be with you by your side. Not as close as i was, obviously. 

My goal was never to delete you from my life. But see, for me love is when I'm ok with myself. 

Thats what i was trying to say a lot of times, thats why i solve all by myslef. Only with clear head and when we learn to be happy and FULL by ourselfs, we can make someone else happy, we can give,  without any side feelings, coz if the person will be gone, there will be still a whole world. It wasnt always easy even for me to let go. But i did, I let go everyone, but thay didnt go anywhere. some people who mattes they stay. And doesnt matter how rare is out communication. 

I admire and love when a person has him own life which is more importaint then me. Its terrifying for me, that Im your life, that im everywhere. 

I will not allow to be in my life all this pain and tears and sadness and dramma, and all this. 

You know what says that red label on my wrist? 

Just that red fucking little stuff holded my yesterday from breakdown. Another one. After meeting with you. I wanted to find there, million km away from home something which will remind me all the things i was thinking and realizind there. When I was there just with myslef. Trying to hear me. Realizing what is importaint and how to make my happy again. 

I wasnt happy there. I dint find my piece. I didnt get over anything i didnt clear my head. I thought i will in 18 days there, without phone. Without you. I didnt. But when I came back to Prague... It was like all this 18 days something was preparing and all this i got in Prague. I'm not sure how to call it. But now I'm stronger. Now I'm fighting for myself. Yes, I'm selfish. It's time to be selfish. It's the only way how can I protect myslef and be happy. 

Sorry, But I will be happy, no matter what. There is not a single person in this word who is more importaint then my happiness. Its like in a plain, you first put mask on yourself, then on others. Same thing. 

No matter what you mean for me, I mean for myself more. And just people who understands this and are the same staus by my side. Coz they are the same. 

Just in this case I can be really free, and i can give all the freedome to them. All. Now I dont specify. Now i talk about me, and all the others. Teo, Anton, You, my friend all the special people, all the random strangers. 

It's a bit scarry to me that I'm not broken now, knowing how bad you feel. But I'm putting all my powers to be happy to focus on positive things and to bring positive in my life. Just positive.  Its not that i dant care. Its just when i care i care too much and its killing me , thats all. And its good for nothing and noone. 

When I came back... I saw my kid... Fuck.. You have no idea, but i feel so much love to him now. I realized again that all those months before I didnt feel nothing to him. I knew i love him, but didnt feel. Now this feeling is dreeping out of me. Like never before. In those moments i feel how much i did for myself in this month. I realize that i will never allow to come back even close to where i was. 

I will be ruthlessly cut off all the negative stuff from my life. 

All this months you was in my head, I missed you, I was sad. But then I started to be more me, I wasnt desperate sad, I just missed you in a very warm way. When i was sad, it was still the warm sad. Not the sad which was killing me. Coz Knowing that you are there and you are alive, and you live your life was warm. Would be warm if you would life your life without pain coz im not there. 

And yesterday I got a huge drop down to all the terrible emotions which were killing me. From which i was running away. Which I cut off. Which makes me not me. 

I was writing you if you cant meet 31 not coz i couldnt wait to get rid of you and keys, but coz I missed you so much. Missed with a smile, and warm feeeling. 

I was thinking that i meet you and i felt happy. 

Wanna know something? Before we met, I had in my head the idea, that i will pretend that i forgot keys, just to have the occasion to see you again. That time i was happy that you gave me those damn keys. And If your meeting would be as it started, if I would see, that you really changed and you are focusing on building your life and on making yourself happy, i would meet you again, and maybe then in some time again, and maybe .... 

But all I saw, was that I mad a huge mistake. As I am, for me is weird to just cut off people form life, block them ect... But thats probably what I needed to do, coz cant let me go. 

In this state, even tho you say that you would be happy even if i would be free and we will meet once a week... You will be not. Coz it wouldn't be equal. I would be free, me and happy, doing whatever i want. And you will be living from meeting to meeting pretending that you dont mind how things are just because you can have at least a little piece of me, hoping that I will not want anyone. This is very wrong. 

And yes, i read what you wrote. But you said all those things even before, not with this words, and probably not so strong. But it was there many times. And this pain and things are

not changing in few weeks. Even for me is hard sometimes to let go. But for you... considering how you love me. You will never be happy for any of my other connections. Why would you?

My love doesn't tie down, doesn't wrap people, doesn't cover. It's there. It's my shine. It's free. And I want the same. Thats me. And It's not easy. It takes alot. Even for Anton it's hard sometimes, to handle my feelings towards others, my falling in love, easy ones or stronger. But this is what makes me me, what makes me alive. When it's blocked I'm dying. I need to be free and walk around with a smile. Be light, be alive, be positive pure, too feel unlimited quantity towards whoever I want, KNOWING THAT IM NOT HURTING ANYONE BY THIS!! Coz No matter what you think I'm doing here, I was never killing people by this. And all of them, in the end, are way happier. I showed them something, and they saw how things could be. They became more strong and fearless to search and find what they really want and need. They were able to believe that they can be how they want. Who they are. Some of them are in relationships, and we are not talking, maybe 2-3 messages a year. They are practically gone from my life, and I'm gone from theirs. But I didn't go anywhere basically. They just have their lifes. And I will be happy to see anyone anytime, tmw in year or 20. We might meet and realize there is nothing to talk about. Next time we could meet and feel all the warmest things in the world. Its life people coma and go. And there is always times for each person in our lives. 

When I once (as you say) said you that I will be always here. I meant this. Coz I dint had in plan to go anywhere. Coz this is what i do. I let go but i dont go anywhere. No matter what stories happened, Im still here for all of the people from my past. Just sometimes when with someone we meet, I feel that there is nothing for this moment. 

I could stay here forever. I could If you would be able to build your life without me. Coz thats how it always was with everyone. Thats how i think, feel, am. 

Just i lost myself in you, and all those things i pushed away and all i had in my was you, and continue to say and do some stuff on autopilot, even tho it didnt fit to our situation. Coz your situation was so different and unique. I didnt know anything. Therefor made a lot of mistakes. 

If I could i would do things differently from the beggining. I cant. 

What I can now, Is to be myself. To be happy. I don't see how can I be all of that and have you in my life. Coz you and your love is very different. 

When people love they dont leave. No, when people love, they dont hold. 

Love is not easy, you have to struggle and sacrifice for love, you have to go through shit for good moment. No, love should be easy, yes, its constant work, but work on yourself at first place,  then on the relationship. It can be hard sometimes, but never the struggle. 

I'll copy here my Ig post: 

"Sacrifice 

Once i heard: “True love is full of sacrifices” I was so... so... I couldn’t even say anything to that. I was speechless.I do not remember now what’s anonymous from sacrifice but exactly that is love. In my world love is running away with a mile steps from sacrificing. And when it comes Love is being destroyed. We choose our partners to get stronger to grow bigger to achieve higher. If you sacrifice for the person “because you love” you doing something which you don’t need and that person doesn’t need. Coz in the end no matter how good intention you had, putting yourself into the position of a person who sacrifice something for another, subconsciously you expect the same from the other side. So in the end you are both just unhappy, BUT you could proudly say that you are working your ass off for each other. That’s just so not right. Live is about giving. Things that makes us happy. Giving freedom and support. And you are not afraid to give endlessly coz you know you will not be less. And when you get, you are not afraid to take, coz you know that this person is free too, and she will not obligate you to give bac

k. You give back coz you are free and happy and you are happy to share those capacity. Coz you trust. It’s unconditional. Even if the person walks away. It’s not your choice. This person is not yours. We are all free. And just when person is totally free and he/she comes back to you, this is what matters. I let go coz I want all to be free, coz I know what we had was precious. For both. And he/she knows it too. He/she might go away on his own path, but in some way he/she is still with you. And if it’s not like this then what’s the sense? Love is not about sacrifice! You could call me selfish. But I believe that you could never do anyone happy if you are not truly happy. 

I’m full, I’m whole, I’m happy and I can give. And in this kind of “Give” this will not make me less, it will not kill me even if the person doesn’t give back. Just in this state it’s possible to build good relationship. And it’s doesn’t matter if you live together or see each other once a year. 

No matter how much i give. If the person go his own way, its ok, coz it’s what he/she needs and wants now. I can't just support and be happy for the person."

All that contains tears and drama is far away from this. 

You should be independent and build your happiness and your life. Put all the effort to make yourself truly happy not depend on anyone. Coz your happiness is what is you what is inside you. Not something or someone. In this case all will be killing you again and again. and the more beautiful things will happen the more it will hurt coz you will think that this will be gone and you will suffer again. You cant put yourself in anyone. Coz it will tear you apart. It always did, and it didn't lead to anything good. When you will putt all the effort to yourself you will never lose. Its win win situation. Coz you find real peace and happiness. Coz you will be free. Strong. Not depending on anyone. 

Coz, when you are happy and shining, people want to be around coz this atmosphere is beautiful. You should be the reason of your happiness not me, not anything else. You. All the rest will come when you will realize this. 

I know you were saying you are ok, and you have peace in you, that you feel again how it is to have you. When I was reading i was happy to read it. But then I saw all this pain again. Pain coz I'm not there. The second part of our meeting just contradicts with all that you wrote. Thats how i fell it. 

First time in all those months I'm not affraid to write all. I'm not affraid how you will react on this message. Coz It's just me, I share my thoughts and who I am. Before when i was saying or writing somthing to you, i was stresssed out of my mind. How will you react. Did i say it right? What is the right answer? Coz I was afraid i will make you fell bad or sad or mad. But this all is just who I am. And this month helped me to make few steps back to myself. I still cant talk to you when you look at me like you did. Its just an automatick reaction with which i cant work right now. I'm not that strong yet. But at least I can write you. 

I cant be the only reason of your happiness. Its scares me. It's too much pressure. It would scare anyone who is a bit ok in his head. To be the reason why person is not in pain. 

If I can wish for something I would wish that I will never mean the whole world for anyone. I don't anyone in this word to have a feeling that that could die for me, that they will do anything for me. 

People should do anything for themselves. And when people are together its not coz they depend on each other. I run from it. Its scary and wrong and against all that I believe in. 

In a fact, basically, I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't go. But I understand that you really need to cut me off your life completely, coz there is no other way. I wouldn't want it. You said me many times with all the pain of this world "stay or just go" And your "go" means disappear from my life. And your stay means all the things i will never be able to give you. Coz how we was togather wasnt right. There wasnt space even for myself, im not talking about

Teo Anton Nastya, and all the other people, and all the new people. I became more like you. Giving all me to another person. You was my world. My whole world. And nothing else mattered. And look where did it lead us...

But this is what you want. Im sorry but i really cant believe that for you will be ok me meeting other people (and doesnt matter what i do wth them) and meeting you once a week. I dont belive that this will make you happy. Ever. And i know that being without me is even worse. But like this after some time you will get over it. It will take time. How long is on you. You can choose to feel better. You can choose to work your ass of to overcome this. And then you will be free and way happier. Not depending on anyone. This is freedome. To not be depended emotionally on anyone. That thing that you said about pet love. Scared me to death... This is just so wrong and fucked up. And if you will not learnt to cut this off your life, you will never be happy. Coz you are full human being, not a helpless animal. You are beautifull and strong personality. 

You would be happy to see me with someone else just when you will let me go. Not get over me. Im not gonna be over you ever. "There will be no getting over you". But I let you go. And you can't. And with all the feelings you have i have no idea how could you. All your feeling are very strong and very beautifull, but they are not free. 

I hate to bring you so much pain. But the worst is the fack on its own THAT IM ABLE TO BRING YOU SO MUCH PAIN. When I came back to myself i feel that i'm stronger again and I'm again slowly but getting back where I was. Noone can hurt me unless i will alow it. Coz It's just on me, not on someone else. (except when someone will just put a bullet in me, there i cant do much) But the emotional state is something we can and should control. 

It might seem that Im saying that I will be just with happy person in happy moments coz its easy. That would make me not so great) But You should know that im not like this I'm far from this. 

Its not about that. Its about presets and settings in your head. Of course, there could be harsh times for everyone, and I dont remember myself letting someone down when i knew i could help somehow. Or just to talk to a person, give some advice. Or be there. I can be support. But never a whole reason for feeling ok or happy. 

People who are around me, I want to have a desire to reach them. To be inspired by them, and to inspire them back. I wan't to look at them and feel that they are hustling in their life for their happinness and when they need a little support to kick their ass in the direction of making theyir life happy. And be somewhere next. No matter how close of far. 

One of the most important people for me, I see this person once a year. Doesn't make it worst. And no, I cant say that i relay on this person 100% and that no matter when i call i know i will get help there. NO. Its not about this. I don't feel this to anyone. Coz i respect all the lifes. I can never just relay on anyone, coz this person could have his own stuff to solve and deal right now. The only one i can relay is me. And of course i know there are people who will support me. But its not like they are obligated. And if they will not, i will understand why not. 

Actually I feel now so much purity and energy, I wish I could somehow share it with you, and help you to become a happy person, but I'm exactly not the person who should to it. Coz it's like a drug. And to overcome it and be happy you should get rid of drugs - me) And I feel that untill I'm in your life you wont be able to do it. And I know you said that I'm not addition. 

But i dont know how else to call it. 

After many month, I feel the power and desire to work on myself. For the better future. To think and plan future and put afford to it. To slowly get rid of all bad habbits and bad influences. To make all i can to make myslef happy. To clear my mind to be in perfect balance with my disasters inside)

All that i have in my head is "SORRY, BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY"

I kno

w that all that is inside of us creating all our life, that is why i don't want any negative anymore, coz it affects our body, our life, the things around. Its all so much connected that its unbelievable. 

And I don't want to be for someone just "saver from pain". I want to be an addition. I want to make whole happy lives even happier. That's the only way when i can give and not be afraid that person will get addicted on my or on what i give. I just make it a bit better. Add something extra to already something beautiful. This is pure and not harmful for me. 

I have no idea how will be my life now, how and with who will be my future. But I know I will be happy. I decided to be happy. No matter what. No matter how hard is it. No matter how hard is no say "no", and make some decisions. I'm sorry, but i want to be happy. Happy in who I am and how I am, and next to me will stay just people who can also trully TRULLY be happy for who I am and what I am. For who my decisions will be not harmfull. 

I really dont fully get it... I thought after yesterday I will be broken again as i was allways. I thought all this 3 weeks of hard work to bring myslef back was just gone by few hours with you. But I fell ok. I cant understand how the hell can i be ok, knowing that you are suffering. But I stopped taking on myslef responsibility of someones happiness. I cant make anyone happy. I can make happy myself. The only person in the world who goes over this rules is Teo. 

All the rest... no ,not Anton, not even my parents. No one happiness is my responsibility. I'm sorry if you think that Im cruel and cold by saying this. But this is who I am and what I believe in. And always was. I just lost myself for a while. 

And a big part of this is Teo. I know that i can give him endless love just when im like this. When I'm happy. Not coz something or someone. Not coz somethins is happening or not. I dont want not to run away and just to be with mysleft coz i dont know where and how to put somewhere all my feelings tat are tearing me apart. I want to come back to him, and give him all of me, all of my love. Coz Im finally stong and have capacity for giving him all this. To be there for him with my mind not just dead body. And this worth it all. And just in this state i can give not only to Teo, but to everyone. I'm learning again to feel, seems like learning to walk from the scratch again. But as im learning to feel, I'm learning to be happy and to feel feeling for all, bright, true, pure feelings. 

Im sorry, but i chose to be happy. This is me. And i would not block you in insta. If what I have there will hurt you, please dont follow me.  I respect you, and will not chase you or be a ghost. I will not. I will be just me, I will be happy. And I want you to know that I will be happy to see you again. Coz my feeling... I know it seems that thay changed a lot. But in the fact they didnt. They just got into the form that is not harmful for me. Unfortunately its harmful for you. 

And I dont want to be a reason of pain as much as i don't want to be a reason of happiness for you. 

I might be wrong. But if things would really really change, yesterday meeting wouldnt look like that in the end.

Im sorry, I choosed to be happy. And yes, I will welcome with warm hug anyone who will come with warm and positive and pure feelings to me, who will want to make me even happier, not expecting anything back. 

Selfish? yes, alot, a guess. But this is the only way how i can recover and give back my pure and huge shiny energy i had inside. I was shining all over the place. I lost it. And i will not lose it again. 

I know there will be hard times, sometimes. But I will fight them all. And I will be able to make other happy and give just with this attitude. 

I'm not cruel. I'm not a cunt. Im pure and kind. And finally I started to belive in it again. You, you made me belive in opposite many times. And its hard to go back. And I'm not blaming you, it was just my perception of your words and actions and what i allowed to happen. I dodnt get when and how i tottaly lost myse

lf. 

I dont want anymore be sad and reflect every sad song i hear. I dont want any more stress and dramma in my life, I dont want to freeze on the street, i dont want to go to sleep later then 22, I dont want to be lost, i dont want to be tired, depressed, melancholic... I want to move forward. I want work my ass of for a better life, for better wellbeing, for better body, better mind, I want to work, i want to feel, I want avoind alohol, cigarettes, bad habits. I want to avaod anything which is not moving me with every step to better life not now but in the furute. in 1 year, 5 years. I want to go there, I see bright and wonderfull future, I dont know with who or how. But i know i can. anyone can. And every day I will make a small step to a happier furute. And I want people like this around me. 

I will always welcome people like this in my life. 

Yes, It's easier just to lie down under the blanket and be sad and cry over all sad things in life then fight for own hapiness, takes a lot of energy, but it will bring way more effort in the future. 

I didnt get over shit) And balive me, this all is not easy for me. But I understand how valeable this is. And for this understanding im greatfull, coz it's the most powerfull triger. To realize and understand what for you do stuff, what the thigs you do today will bring you in the future. What can you make to feel at least a bit better. Small things, step by step, but in right direction. Coz you know where it will eventually lead you one day. 

I dont want to be blamed, i dont want to feel guilt, i dont want to make fuckups, i dont want to make bad decisions. I want to be happy. Not coz of something, but coz of me. Then Im endless treasure with light. for everyone. Yeah, thats my shine. 

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours.

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours. In you. 

As I did. 

I dont think that you will fully understand me, as you think i dont listen dont read and dont understand you. But maybe this will make the whole stuff at least a bit more clear for you. And for me. I wrote this more for myslef. To remeber al this. To read it again and coma back to this state when needed. 

To never forget what the red line in my body means. BEYOU.

those are not just words. Those two words doesnt mean much untill you dont put meaning in it. And i Put the whole universe to it. This red mark on my body is my ticket to bright happy future. I dont know with who. But I know for sure it will be wonderfull!

I want to beback to all my sided to the purest person and kindest, to the slutty slut, to shy girl, to honest happy kid, to silly creature, to crazy weirdo, to depressed darkness JUST WITH MYSELF AND FOR ONE EVENING, to a stunning lady, for caring for not caring sometimes, to fale sometimes in a way that it doesnt actually matter alot, to free to feel and do whatever i want. But with thinking about consequences. Thinking subconciously just as i used to.

Yes, I will do mistakes, coz I'm not on an easy path. But i will do all i can not to forget and lose myslef again. No matter what!!

I never wanted to cut off you out of my life, I wanted to cut out all the negative stuff. And I dont want to fight with you or for you or for anyone else, i dont want to struggle i dont want to suffer. I will not put myself or my energy for saving anything! I will be happy and i will be myself and i will emit warmness and shine as I used to. Thats how it always could work. Thats the only way it could. When troubles come to relationships people should start to work on themselfs and if those are the right people it will bring them closer to each other. When we were in shit with A i never fighted for him or for us. We both started

to work on ourselfs with psychotherapist and by ourselfs too, this brought us back to the right path. Thats the only way I will always do it. I was never fighting for anyone. The only person I was fighting for was you. And it killed me it killed you. wrongwrongwrong! I learned. I did. If you think im cold and selfish. OK. You have all the right, i guess. But i look back and analyze all my life how i was how i am who i am how it worked what i did, and this is what i see. This is my truth. This is me.

This is me to who Im coming back through everything and everyone who will come on the way. To shine again. To feel this endless energy in me. To be so alive that it contagious for all the people around!!

Im not going away from this road, no matter what and noone will stop me.

I’m sorry, but i choose to be happy.

__________

all this text is on my wrist, all this text marked me with a red line and comes from it. This all I put to the two primitive words BE YOU and two one red line.