#and im not using tinder bc too many people know who i am now... in my uni...

[thatfizzyyyy]

[corneliastreeet]

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[littlespoonevan]

Hello! Sorry if this is super weird but... I’ve been thinking.. is there something wrong with me bc i‘m 31 and never had a bf or a real relationship. Never. It just never happened for me. It’s been a long long time since i even had a crush. Am i doing something wrong? It feels weird to me. Bc most other people even really young ones have relationships. And im usually fine being on my own but sometimes i get lonely too or i kinda would like to have a relationship, see how it feels... i even tried tinder but ugh. The problem is im super insecure and shy in the dating aspect bc of lack of experience. I feel like something might be wrong with me. Im kinda scared i‘ll be alone forever. 😔 sorry for this random mess of a message 😕 you seem like a good listener and im all over the place rn bc of this

oh anon, i want to send you the biggest hug right now <33 i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and believe me, i completely understand where you’re coming from. but can i just start off by saying- there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

There’s such a stigma around not having had a relationship in your teens or your twenties and tbh it needs to be normalised so much more bc i think so many of us go through it and silently suffer because we think it means we’re not normal. but like, my sister is your age and only got into her first proper relationship this year, one of my best friends is 26 and has only just start seeing someone for the first time in the last 2 months, i have another friend who’s never been in a relationship at all. I’ve been in one but it was basically a relationship for the sake of being a relationship and one that felt absolutely nothing like what it was supposed to and just a terrible experience all around. that was when i was twenty/twenty-one and it’s only in the last year and a half i’ve even tried dating again.

And y’know what? Dating is fucking hard. Tinder is an absolute nightmare of repetitive conversations that go nowhere and it’s made even worse for people like me and you who feel insecure about dating because of inexperience. like the two guys i dated in the past year were both from Tinder and they were both really nice and i genuinely had feelings for them but intimacy is so intimidating to me that i can’t help closing myself off and finding an excuse to pull away after a month or so even if they haven’t done anything wrong. and no matter how unashamed I am about my lack of experience it’s still really hard to talk about that with someone unless you completely trust them, y’know? combine that with the fact this isn’t a person you knew beforehand so you probably don’t have that same comfort level to even be honest about why you’re nervous in the first place and well, it’s just easier to be single tbh :/

And I think beyond that, there’s this sort of push back online sometimes about how there’s nothing wrong with being single forever and never settling down or marrying and it’s true, there isn’t and i’m so happy for people who feel that way. but there’s also absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to. It’s okay to want to fall in love and share your life with someone. Most people do and it sounds great! So y’know, like you, I’m fine being on my own and I enjoy my own company but god the thought of never finding someone I want to be with is honestly devastating. 

I think if I were to try and give you advice here (and I’m saying this to myself too bc I’m right there with you) I’d tell you two things: 

First, be patient with yourself and with time. As much as I think a person needs to be open to dating/looking to meeting someone, I also believe in my heart of hearts that finding someone isn’t something you can meticulously plan. It happens when it’s supposed to (even if that is on tinder haha)

Second, maybe have a think about if there’s anything from your side stopping you from dating. Is it just fear/worry about inexperience? (which is absolutely reason enough on its own and comes down to finding someone you can trust enough to be open with) or is it a wider issue with intimacy overall? (eg. i’m not tactile at all and am not good at talking about my feelings so put me in a romantic scenario and i drown bc i have no idea what to do without the other person taking the lead). There’s also the possibility you could fall somewhere on the ace spectrum if there’s aspects of sex or romantic relationships that don’t appeal to you or that you’re more neutral towards. 

Ultimately even if there is something standing in your way and one or any of those things are true that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means that relationships might work a little differently for you. I know I can’t magically fix this problem for you and I wish I knew the right words to make it better but I really, really do believe you’ll find someone when the circumstances are right. And more than that, you’re not alone. There are so many people who have never been in love or never had sex or never been kissed and that’s okay. We’ll all get there when we’re ready to - including you. Just try to hold on a little bit longer <3

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know i think the whole reason i haven’t been bothered to start dating is bc over the years, i’ve just become comfortable with being on my own all the time. like I don’t feel the pressure to always have a partner and I feel like if I ever start dating at any point..... I don’t feel like i’d easily forget who i am and just make myself 1000% like that person. like obvs i have absolutely no idea whether that’d happen or not.

but I just feel like i won’t.... like i would’ve if I’d started dating much much earlier, like in high school, for example.... where i ended up posting a “im so lonely and sick of being single” etc type status at one point.... partly bc i was really lonely at 16 and also bc well... as a joke bc everyone had to post at least one of those statuses during high school lmao.

then there’s also me not just throwing myself at any chance to get fucked by creepy guys like “let me give you sex lessons in the back of my car” guy or bar creeper weasel mcfuck guy..... all because of the pressure that those fucking creepy dudes were giving me bc i kept refusing their advances.... and i also refused to just fuck anyone bc that’s just what you’re supposed to do in your late teens (sex lessons guy) and well into your 20s (bar creeper weasel mcfuck guy) apparently. but no. i have my fucking standards. and those creeps didn’t fucking meet them. so i had every fucking right to continually reject them and stay single.

and besides the point, im just so used to being on my own now that if someone came in to be my partner; they’d have to be fucking okay with me being me.... and except that i won’t give myself up entirely to become exactly like them or whatever. I know who I am (mostly) and why should I fucking sacrifice that for some stupid ass dude????

and also now, i will never take the dumbass line of “oh I’ll fix this dude bc he’s so broken and that’ll fix me too!!!” like i thought when i was depressed and anxious in 2011 and had a really bad and kind of obsessive crush on one of the hella popular dudes in my year at catholic school. because i now know that love doesn’t fix people fully. and if any dude pulls that act on me, im happy to fucking leave as soon possible. because it’s his job to fix himself through therapy with a fucking professional therapist; and not some random woman that they pick up off of a dating app’s responsibility.... to pick up his broken pieces and build him up and all that bullshit that shitty dudes I know share on fb all the time.

anyway yeah. my point is that im happy on my own now bc im so used to being single.... that if I ever started dating I wouldn’t forget who I am and think that I have to completely change myself for the sake of the other person and become exactly like them; like I would’ve when I was younger. and that i also just feel comfortable being single now and that it’d be so strange to have a partner that likes me lmao.... but they’d have to accept me as i am bc I’ve accepted who i am and I won’t change (mostly) for anyone, other than for myself.

like yes I know you change in relationships... and that you learn different things about yourself and other people during the time you spent in those relationships. and I also know that you learn skills like negotiation and compromise etc in relationships. but you also learn 1,000 things about yourself when you don’t date too early...... and don’t fall into the pressure of “hook up culture” that’s so hardly pushed on people from 18-25, bc of tinder becoming huge in the 2010s. you learn 1000 things from all the different people you reject because you realise that you have standards; and that those said people don’t meet them (even if they seem ridiculous to other people). you learn that you’ve kept yourself safe from people that don’t give a fuck about you. you also learn relationship skills in this process as well.

like I learnt from my stalker in 2012, that I could do far better than him and all of his abusive/controlling behaviours and tendencies.... and his constant habit of painting me as a weak and defenceless woman that he had to save & protect all the time. on his side however, i was basically his manic pixie dream girl who had to fix him instead. I learnt from him that neither of those archetypes were desirable to base a relationship on. after all, i was on the road to fix myself.... and if I’d let this bs get to an actual relationship..... i knew it would’ve damn near killed me, and not him.

i knew that “I’ll give you sex lessons in the back of my car” dude was a cunt in 2014...... bc not only did he not care about my sexual safety and not accept any of my refusals for his said “sex lessons”..... he did not respect that i wanted to be called by my either of my names, and not the names that he deemed to be “much easier and more respectful” to have..... because they were both typical white girl names (Gwen or Alannah instead of gwladys or ilona). and then, obviously, he was one of the many guys that were angry at me bc i refused to lose my virginity by 15 like “normal people”. I knew that a decent dude would accept that I wanted to be called by MY ACTUAL FUCKING NAME/S and not ones suggested by them so they could deem me “more socially acceptable” to them. I knew that a respectful dude wouldn’t give me the “you should’ve fucked someone by the time you were 15!!” etc etc lecture that this fuckwad gave me.

I learnt from bar creeper weasel mcfuck in 2017, that again, I could do far better.... but also that his behaviours were fucking creepy and not normal. because surely no honest & decent man would try to confiscate/steal etc a fucking grown woman’s phone in a bar/pub just because she keeps refusing his kisses/grindings on the dancefloor????? and also feels the need to escape his shitty behaviour???? and also because he was angry at her bc she rang someone else to take her home.... instead of wanting to go back to his place???? like a decent dude would accept those choices, right???

I knew by this time that his behaviour of constantly separating me from my friends so that they couldn’t see/hear his disgusting comments and behaviour was manipulative as fuck.... as much as his overly forceful tendency that night; to try and get me to smile and try to control my behaviour to make it look like I was “having fun” on his terms, and not mine..... with comments like: “why the fuck don’t you fucking smile??? why the fuck don’t you look like you’re having a good time??? fucking smile for me bitch!” I knew by 22, that this was toxic fucking behaviour and not a behaviour that I wanted in lover/partner. I knew that if I couldn’t tolerate this treatment during that entire night... then I couldn’t tolerate it for an entire relationship.

I knew in literally the first 3 minutes of talking to him.... where I was supposed to let him look at my phone over my shoulder all the time... while I was banned from looking at his phone except from adding him on fb..... and that he expected me not to be offended by demeaning comments about me doing an arts degree.... but I was then supposed to wholly support him wanting to “study fashion” when he literally dressed like he’d rolled out of a fucking dumpster in the 2000s..... and literally fucking smelt like it as well.... and other troubling shit that I’ve written whole novel-length posts about on this hellsite about him lmao. but you get my point. I knew in these few first minutes to an hour, that he was not someone that I’d like to sleep with/have a relationship with etc etc. we just didn’t fucking mesh. he disgusted me. and I infuriated him by just existing and wanting to leave him behind without a “girl to score with” that night.

I knew I deserved better than him, despite his godawful comments and behaviour and his ultimate belief that I’d stoop so low to go home with him that night and fuck him.... and let him treat me like shit (bc i was scared of him that whole night tbh) for the whole time he did so, was fucking laughable. no. I will not fuck you, man who thinks it’s attractive to tell a woman that “I just can’t help but grab your pussy in that dress!!! bc you’re soooo sexy in that dress! it’s your fault you’re so sexy in that dress!!! fucking kiss me! why the fuck won’t you kiss me???!”. i knew deep down in myself that I could do so much fucking better than him and that i should never go home with a dude that treats me like im 16 and not 22 (at the time). I knew that I would never feel or be safe around this guy, with the way he wanted to confiscate/steal my phone from me and practically leave me completely stranded with him all night... to enforce some monitoring of my behaviour on his watch only, and not mine.

so. to conclude. don’t listen to anyone who tells you that the only way you learn about life is when you’re in a long-lasting & hopefully wholly healthy long-term relationship.... or when you have a long term slutty phase whereby you just date anyone for the sake of dating anyone so that you can fuck around with no strings attached...... or just by being in shitty relationships/shitty situationships; just because you feel like you have to be in them because everyone around you are relationships or going through their 20s slutty phases/situationship phases.

because you learn just as much about yourself and your expectations and standards in partners...... by the way of the people that you reject, and their treatment of you when you constantly rebuff them. you realise your worth and the treatment that you really deserve from the shittiest people..... who try their godawful manipulative tactics on you in the first few hours that you’ve met them physically or talked to them online.

[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

[softsoapclowneryfish]

I got tagged by @sammienotboo and I used the right tag this time go me right

THE LAST 1. drink: water 2. phone call: sister 3. text message: 'well shit' 4. song you listened to: Milk and Cookies by Melanie Martinez 5. time you cried: tbh every day I'm homesick 6. dated someone twice: hahahahaha :( 7. kissed someone and regretted it: for sure about two weeks ago 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: like they left my life? Too many times 10. been depressed: hella 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nah son

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. baby pink 13. Blood red 14. black IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: yep 16. fallen out of love: the guy interested in me said let's be friends so I'm trying :)))) 17. laughed until you cried: yep 18. found out someone was talking about you: Always 19. met someone who changed you: yep 20. found out who your friends are: ysah 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: no fb fam

GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: read above 23. do you have any pets: do all the therapy dogs in my school technically count bc I want them 24. do you want to change your name: ehhhh 25. what did you do for your last birthday: spent the day with my dad and sister and olive garden 26. what time did you wake up: 7:20 am bc the fire alarm went off smh 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: playing mystic messenger 28. name something you can’t wait for: to sleep 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: a month ago 31. what are you listening to right now: Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes my friends dad we call him Bally gays 33. something that is getting on your nerves: people 34. most visited website: eCampus 35. hair colour: brown 36. long or short hair: short 37. do you have a crush on someone: YES FUCKING PREACH 38. what do you like about yourself: my humor ngl 39. want any piercings: eh 40. blood type: O positive 41. nickname: trash can 42. relationship status: single pls change that I downloaded tinder 43. zodiac: aquarius 44. pronouns: 45. favourite tv show: American horror story 46. tattoos: eh 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: got my wisdom teeth out in July 49. piercing: nope 50. sport: eatinh 51. vacation: Britain

52. pair of trainers: idk

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: nada 54. drinking: water 55. im about to: hopefully sleep 56. waiting for: to get laid again but my old fuck buddy was a douche :) 57. want: Buffalo winga 58. get married: idk 59. career: social worker or teacher 60. hugs or kisses: why don't we have both 61. lips or eyes: lips 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: eh 66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: yes 68. drank hard liquor: no 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: nah 70. turned someone down: nah 71. sex on the first date: I fucked a guy I knew for two weeks what does that say about me 72. broken someone’s heart: :( yeah 73. had your heart broken: :( yeah 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: not surs 76. fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: a little 78. miracles: sometimes 79. love at first sight: kinda 80. santa claus: yep 81. kiss on the first date: yep 82. angels: yeah

OTHER 83. current best friends’ names: andrea, two Logans, a robby 84. eye colour: brown 85. favorite movie: Zootopia

I tag @chocolateanimalcrackers @cytristree @ohlookihaveanaccount @reapergrellsutcliff @aethelwynne @prlmadonnagurl @titan-bless @lollipop980 @weeb-cheese @glitterscythe @theyaoiarmy

[girlslob]

God I really wish I could talk more about this guy I’m dating rn but its still too soon. I’m also scared bc the timing seems fucked, especially with how close it is to my last ex. I just really wasn’t expecting anything more than a casual hook up from tinder but then something really really nice fell into my lap and its really bad timing bc I’m still processing everything from my last relationship but …. Its really difficult to not be really endeared to this guy for a lot of reasons actually.

And see, the thing is…. I know I said I loved Jeremiah when we broke up but…. The truth is, I care for him but I now realize that I don’t love him anymore. I mean….even when I was saying it I knew in my head that I meant “love” a different way than what others probably saw it as but… Idk.

I just, I keep looking back on it and realizing how deeply unhappy I’ve been in that relationship, and for how long. And I was wrong for holding on to it as long as I did, but tbh I also just wasn’t strong enough to let go. Don’t get me wrong, there was still a lot of times in that relationship that I was happy, but just. There was so many flags that I should’ve caught or done something about but never had the strength to do. And it makes me angry and sad because there were a lot of ways in which I failed both myself AND him. And oh my god you guys, the person I had become in that relationship…. I was genuinely mean to him at times. We both fed off of each others negativity and it just became this endless cycle of constantly fighting and picking each other apart, and neither of us ever felt like the other listened or cared about what we were upset about. Like it was so fucking bad you guys we were both so toxic to each other. And honestly even though I still really care about Jeremiah and his well being its like already so distant…. Like u know what, the idea of him moving on and finding another girl doesn’t bother me at all, and it hasn’t for like 2 weeks now.

I just feel like so much lighter and better of a person not being in that relationship anymore. It was really something that weighed on me and gave me a lot of dread and anxiety and so I did what I always tend to do when something is making me anxious: avoid it. I avoided doing anything about our problems because I couldn’t even think about it myself bc it hurt too much. Jenn would ask me how things are with me and Jeremiah and I would tell her I didnt want to talk about it, which, knowing me, is crazy and tells you right there that something is really wrong. And that wasn’t even like recent either, like it happened on the regular for most of my senior year of college….. Just ugh. Ugh.

But yeah. Right now? I am going through the stage of break up where I’m realizing how fucked up all the shit was and coming to terms with a lot of things. I have been lying to myself and to everyone else bc I didnt want to hurt him and it made it hurt for me less too. In the end though I just ended up hurting him more I think and it makes me really sad that that happened. Idk.

This new person is making me realize a lot of things too btw. Ive made sure to be open about where I’m at right now emotionally with my last break up (basically that I’m still in the middle of processing a lot of it. Not necessarily grieving but processing) and he has been really sweet about it. We have been making sure to take things slow and you guys, I’m really impressed how much he’s held to it, even though its been a little bit difficult haha. We are still getting to know each other but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever had this much instant chemistry with anyone before. Pretty much every (serious) relationship I’ve had has started out as friends first, then the romantic attraction coming later after we got to know each other. With this dude, sparks are fucking flying in the air in front of us lmao its honestly insane. Okay I can’t keep talking too much about this bc I don’t wanna get ahead of myself but, you guys, I am in trouble. I really really wasn’t expecting to meet anybody else that I would like this much this quickly and im kind of mad about it bc I was really really planning on being a single bitch for a while. But holy fuck holy fuck you guys I get along with this guy on such a foundational level so far like….. I’m really freaking out over here. Like I’m a giggling schoolgirl with a crush y'all. I know how these things go though and trust me I am veryyyy aware it could all turn to shit really quickly (which I’m actually carrying quite a bit of baggage about since my last relationship) but I still can’t help myself. I do worry about the outward appearance of me being so giggly and crushy on another person so soon too which is also partially why i dont wanna write too much about it….right now this is probably too much info tbh but honestly ive been using tumblr as a diary for soooo long that part of me just doesn’t give a fuck. I have always been personal on here and tbh I shouldn’t stop myself just cause I’m worried about other people think. The people who are important in my life understand though and are supportive to me so thats what matters really.

I don’t know. There is just a LOT of promise there and although the timing is bad I’m not going to throw it away just cause of that.

alright enough writing I need to eat some food

[alien-origins]

I was tagged by the one and only @swaggyt-enthusiast thank u honey pie!!! 💝 💝

Rules: You must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST 1.Drink: water (stay hydrated) 2.Phone call: mom 3.Text message: my class group chat 4.Song you listened to: snälla bli min igen - veronica maggio 5.Time you cried: yesterday, I was really frustrated with myself 6.Dated someone twice: nah 7. Been Cheated on: no 8.Kissed someone and regretted it: yeah 9.Lost someone special: yuppdido i have 10.Been depressed: 24/7 my dude i love life 11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: no, ain’t about that life LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

1: red  2: pink 3: pastels IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15.Made new friends: yeea some 16.Fallen out of love: yeah 17.Laughed until you cried: too many times  18.Found out someone was talking about you: mhm lol snakes 19.Met someone who changed you: yeah but idk how much tho 20.Found out who your true friends are: not sure actually 21.Kissed someone on your Facebook list: more than one 22.How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them 23.Do you have any pets: sadly no i’m nagging about getting a cat or a dog but my mom refuses, i had pet rats when i was younger tho and they were so cute i want another :((( 24.Do you want to change your name: yes??? but i suck at names so idk what i’d take.  25.What did you do for your last birthday: i was on my internship at bea szenfeldt and we were about 10 interns plus bea and we had fun, celebrating a little with a watermelon cake (literally a watermelon with candles in it). Everyone in my family were sick so we didn’t go out but i ate a lot of sushi. not the best 18th bday but it fit me 26.What time did you wake up: 6am 27.What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping 28.Name something you cannot wait for: moving out and getting puppies 29.When was the last time you saw your mother: 5 minutes ago getting an ice cream in the kitchen 30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: the amount of money i have. i’d be happier if i had more money,, the amount of gucci i could buy 31.What are you listening to right now: hädan efter - veronica maggio 32.Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: not that I know of 33.Something that is getting on your nerves: my classmates i hate them all honestly  34.Most visited website: tumblr 35.Elementary: walked past my old school 36, High School: i guess i’m still in high school??? (gymnasium) 37.College: soon my dudes 38.Hair color: pink 39.Long or short hair: past my shoulders  40.Do you have a crush on someone: wu yifan 41.What do you like about yourself: my boobies 42.Piercings: four lobe piercings and I always have hoops bc im a hoe (two regular, one next to the other on my left ear and on the very end of the lobe on my right like tao) and a tongue piercing 43.Blood type: idk lol I think I have A 44.Nickname: Krys, mom 45.Relationship status: single and in need of cuddles 46.Zodiac sign: aquarius  47.Pronouns: she/her/mom/angel 48.Favorite tv show: i don’t really watch TV but how i met your mother and fresh of the boat (ancient aliens) 49.Tattoos: not yet!! planning my lil bunny tattoo tho 50.Right or left hand: right, masturbate with my left

FIRST… 51.Surgery: nope 52.Piercing: ears (7 y/o i think) 54.Sport: football! or soccer as you americans say 55.Vacation: Mallorca  56.Pair of trainers: ???????

MORE GENERAL… 57.Eating: rice cakes and bread 58.Drinking: water 59.I’m about to: do some embroidery  61.Waiting for: krisho to reunite  62.Want: money 63.Get married: when i find someone that’s right for me 64.Career: designer if i can 65.Hugs or kisses: hugs :(( 66.Lips or eyes: eyes 67.Shorter or taller: taller (but i like hanging around ppl that are 5′2 or shorter so i dont feel that small) 68.Older or younger: older, i’ve always been hanging with ppl older than me and a lot of people (((especially boys))) can be really immature and i’m tired and a old soul 70.Nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms 71.Sensitive or loud: a lil of both, maybe loud tho  72.Hook up or relationship: i like the concept of relationships but it’s a lot so hook ups 73.Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant troublemaker 

HAVE YOU EVER… 74.Kissed a stranger?: no 75.Drank hard liquor?: yea 76.Lost glasses contact/lenses?: nah don’t use em 77.Turned someone down?: i think? 78.Sex on first date?: tinder dates are for sex are they not??? 79.Broken someone’s heart?: i think so (sorry) 80.Had your heart broken?: i’m dead inside 81.Been arrested?: kinda?? 82.Cried when someone died?: mm 83.Fallen for a friend?: like a girl crush yea DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84.Yourself?: i do 85.Miracles?: mhm yeah 86.Love at first sight?: maybe 87.Santa Claus?: nah m8 88.Kiss on the first date?: if it feels right then yes 89.Angels?: i am one so yea

OTHER…. 90.Current best friend’s name: cassie 91.Eye color: grey/blue 92. Favourite movie: devil wears prada

i tag the usual friend & family (also some mutuals bc i need to fill in) ;(( 💗 💗  @honeyixings @sassybookshelf @kai-aaah @monbebes @crownkingzyx @niniandnoodul @04gf @princeksoo @theparallelline @potchanyoyo @joonmeow-ing @chogiwapark @bulba-suho-r @slavemin @joon420 @cuntykai @prankchanyall @wheatleyoppa @softparkchanyeol @bright-black-blunder

THE LAST 1.Drink: 2.Phone call: 3.Text message: 4.Song you listened to: 5.Time you cried: 6.Dated someone twice: 7. Been Cheated on: 8.Kissed someone and regretted it: 9.Lost someone special: 10.Been depressed: 11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 1.  2:  3: IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15.Made new friends: 16.Fallen out of love: 17.Laughed until you cried: 18.Found out someone was talking about you: 19.Met someone who changed you: 20.Found out who your true friends are: 21.Kissed someone on your Facebook list: 22.How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 23.Do you have any pets: 24.Do you want to change your name: 25.What did you do for your last birthday: 26.What time did you wake up: 27.What were you doing at midnight last night: 28.Name something you cannot wait for: 29.When was the last time you saw your mother: 30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: 31.What are you listening to right now: 32.Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: 33.Something that is getting on your nerves: 34.Most visited website: 35.Elementary: 36, High School: 37.College: 38.Hair color: 39.Long or short hair: 40.Do you have a crush on someone: 41.What do you like about yourself: 42.Piercings: 43.Blood type: 44.Nickname: 45.Relationship status: 46.Zodiac sign: 47.Pronouns: 48.Favorite tv show: 49.Tattoos: 50.Right or left hand: FIRST… 51.Surgery: 52.Piercing: 54.Sport: 55.Vacation:   56.Pair of trainers: MORE GENERAL… 57.Eating: 58.Drinking: 59.I’m about to: 61.Waiting for: 62.Want: 63.Get married: 64.Career: 65.Hugs or kisses: 66.Lips or eyes: 67.Shorter or taller: 68.Older or younger: 70.Nice arms or nice stomach: 71.Sensitive or loud: 72.Hook up or relationship: 73.Troublemaker or hesitant: HAVE YOU EVER… 74.Kissed a stranger?: 75.Drank hard liquor?: 76.Lost glasses contact/lenses?: 77.Turned someone down?: 78.Sex on first date?: 79.Broken someone’s heart?: 80.Had your heart broken?: 81.Been arrested?: 82.Cried when someone died?: 83.Fallen for a friend?: DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84.Yourself?: 85.Miracles?: 86.Love at first sight?: 87.Santa Claus?: 88.Kiss on the first date?: 89.Angels?: OTHER…. 90.Current best friend’s name: 91.Eye color: 92. Favourite movie: 

[survivor-rebelsvsroyals]

EPISODE 6:Sorry hosts and viewers but we're keeping the inactivish girl. -Ryan M

My new tribe kinda slaps? It’s just nice playing with people who have the fight to win. We fucking S L A Y E D Jeopardy. Ken Jennings who? It felt so good helping my tribe win. For this reward comp I’m a little worried because we have a good system but if someone doesn’t show up, we’ll all hit 5 and be screwed. Also poor Glo, she’s just out here doing her best. She’s cute, but I don’t want that to carry her to the end like it did in Mongolia.

Finally have my computer back, so I can start writing confessionals as I think about the game. It sucks that Chloe was voted out. She was definitely my #1 ally in the game, so seeing her leave just sucks. And now I am on a tribe with 4 Royals who would be happy to vote me out the second we get to tribal council. I doubt my social game will let me leave here alive if we go to tribal. Instead, I just have to make sure we don't go to tribal. I need to put in all my effort in the next immunity challenge lest I want to be in the VL watching the rest of this season.

* a little later*

I've been socially active with Seamus and Amanda today. I hope I can grow a tight bond with them in order to keep myself safe for tribals to come. Especially if I manage to get to merge with a tight three. I'm praying that things work out because I need this for my own sanity.

It’s truly like babysitting this tribe lmao Like I know this is reward but how fucking hard is it to post on time. I worked a 9 hour shift today and still posted on time when I said I would. We have the lead, like why squander it. Also, I’m hoping we win out to til merge because I really don’t want to go into a tribal at swap in the minority. I feel like I might be making myself a target bc I’m being a little aggressive with this comp BUT I regret nothing.

I feel like I’ve been too MIA I’m kind of just ready for a tribal so I can get a little blood on my hands! Sorry I am the most boring player ever I’ll post something juicy tomorrow

I'm glad that we won the reward challenge. It must be a good omen for the next one, but I have to put in twice as much effort! I'm not planning on being the next one booted, so this tribe needs to pull its weight and get to winning!

Well I don;t know if I am coming or going or who is with me and who is not. I was lost on reward challenge and posted few times but they all offered to help me lol So how is my game ok I guess but I feel lost in a wilderness cause I think lots of these players know each other very well and I am lost

I feel so bad for Chloe. I stopped talking to her after Seamus told me she was debating between voting for me or Amanda. I feel like we all felt like we liked Chloe but we've spent so much time together. And also maybe a pagoning or w/e would be a little fun!!!! She's so sweet I wish she started off a royal.

Well I just BOMBED that challenge.  I love to read but suddenly my mind went blank and I could only think of books with long titles! HAHA.  I majored in art in college for a year and suddenly I forgot every color in existence! Hopefully the other tribes blanked so we'll be safe. 0:-) If not... maybe the royals will stay together but no lie, I've been talking to John and Lachie more than Pippa and Ryan.

I'm happy two tribes are going to tribal. Because I really want to see them vote ugly people out!!! But also if we go to tribal nbd Raffy goes. He's completely okay! But I love Seamus and Amanda and I think I can also get Anabel to trust me come merge time. xo

I am praying to god all-mighty that we win

WE LITERALLY COULD'VE WON IF ANABEL DID EVEN HALF THE CHALLENGE!!!!! I was so down to get rid of Raffy... still could... I like Anabel. But... I already feel bad about voting out Chloe and this time it's like... obvi Ana deserves to be voted out... ugh 

I hope the 5 movies Glo could muster up in 60 seconds were all of the Twilight franchise movies

*Dan comes back ten minutes later*

Okay but real talk, 5 movies??? Glo you could only name 5 movies in 60 seconds? If she had done as well as Asya and gotten 28 we wouldn’t have gone to tribal. I really pray I can get Dane or Linus to team up with Asya and I. I mean if it comes down to it and I have to vote out Asya, I guess she better get those bags packed!

I am so pissed that we lost. We easily could have won this competition if Anabel had participated, but she's evidently bad at time management. If you knew you were going to be busy the next day, why wouldn't you do the challenge the night it was posted? I'm so over it! For once, I didn't want to have to go to tribal, but now I can't even have that. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that I am the target since I am not a Royal which is utter bullshit. Hopefully my social game has paid off and I have bonded enough with these people, but I am not too sure about that. I'll just have to put it all my effort into saving myself, or my game is sunk. Pray for me.

* a little later*

I think I can get Seamus. He and I have talked a lot during the limited amount of time we've had together. I want to consider him an ally, but I'm not sure if he hasn't been doing this with everyone else. My target is going to be Anabel for three reasons: 1. She is a winner (literally won last season) which makes a threat going into merge 2. She singlehandedly lost us the challenge 3. I haven't personally talked to her a lot so she's the easiest to target for me I want to get everyone on board, but I need to not pester them. However, I cannot just let the vote casually go towards me either. I'm not going out without a fight

OK SO. glo sucks at challenges. like it’s real bad. which is good for me. cause linus is like he doesn’t have any allegiances or whatever to old arioi and just wants to succeed so like. let’s cut the dead weight. obviously dan is down and that’s all we need. i’d like to get dane on board too but it’s not necessary. like really, i just wanna keep my no vote streak. which means if dane and glo vote for a manahune, it’s dan and not me.

Seamus brought up Anabel's name to me which is a good sign. He also told me that I shouldn't worry about being the only Rebel, and he is open to keeping/working with me. I hope he's telling the truth. Apparently, he's only talked to me about the vote, so I am hoping that's a good sign. Now I need to approach Amanda and Ryan. If one just votes for Ryan, then I should be good.

*he talks a lot*

Amanda seems open, but reserved. She's acting noncommittal which is worrying for me. I have to speak with Ryan later and get him on board. Keeping this tribe together will help me going into a merge. I'm just hoping Amanda joins my side and not Anabel's, in the end. There is still time to save myself.

So tribal council is coming up soon and I legit have no idea what I'm doing. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get voted out tonight since I'm spreading myself too thin. I have a couple ideas going on through my head and I can't decipher which plan will be the best to project me moving forward. The first plan I have is to stay royal strong and vote out Asya. I have Glo and Linus as fellow Royals to make the majority. If I do successfully blindside Dan and Asya tonight then we have the majority going into the last pre-merge stage. However, Glo isn't the strongest in challenges and this could result in us going back to tribal council. If we do go back to tribal council then there is the chance that Dan can pull out an idol and take me out. If we don't even go to tribal then there's no chance of me rebuilding the burnt bridge with Dan prior to going to the merge, resulting in another person coming after me. Also continuing into merge, I imagine I'm at the bottom of the royals tribe. People can "like" me but that doesn't necessarily mean that they want to work with me. I'd be continuing this trend of saving people that don't want to work with me. The other plan in place is for Linus and I to team up with Dan and Asya to vote out Glo. If we are possibly merging after tonight then voting out Glo in my opinion is one of the smartest decisions. She is very well liked and she's a very loyal player, I don't think she will ever be targeted and it'll be an easy flow for her to get to the end of the game. Also, Linus was telling me that Anabel talks to Glo A LOT, and that lowkey just reinforces this idea that I created of an all-winners alliance existing. If we have another tribal stage I don't imagine that it will be a double trial again so getting rid of Glo (the weakest competitor on our tribe) might be the best decision for the tribe. Also with getting rid of Glo, this helps solidify some sort of allegiance with Dan + Asya. Going into the merge with Linus, Dan, Asya would open up so many doors. Dan and Asya are very close with the rest of the Rebels plus, Dan and Amanda are high school friends. I spoke to Dan and I think we'd possibly team up to take out Ryan M. Ryan M. always plays these games personally and votes out Dan, and now that him and I are not on great terms Ryan will target me. I explained that to Dan that neither of us would win with Ryan M. still in the game so we need to pull strength and get him out together. Plus we matched on Tinder one time so that'll help build some trust with Dan. Right now I think the benefits of voting out Glo outweighs voting out Asya so I think that's how we'll go. You can't predict the future but I can outweigh the pros and cons and keeping Dan + Asya on my side while pissing off the Royals majority might benefit me more than being a sheep led to slaughter

I lied to Raffy about not voting him... I mean he's not dumb he probably has a string inkling. I just feel bad . Like Anabel deserves to go home but I think she'll save me in the future. Plus she has beef with Lachie we can feed off of. I'm sorry Chloe and Im sorry Raffy. Sorry hosts and viewers but we're keeping the inactivish girl.

So Um the votes landed on Glo? Super easily? So I’m assuming I’m getting blindsided

I think I should be good for this tribal. Everyone has given me their word that they are voting Anabel, and Seamus seems trustworthy. I just hope my trust his well-placed.

[theconfessionsofanoverthinker]

My boyfriend pt 1

Wow, how do I want to start? I want to really get into it so I can have fresh vivid images and feelings and true thoughts and re-encounter how amazing it really was. Oh my gosh I can’t even fully describe what’s going on. I love this kid, I really do have love for him already. I’m going to do my best. Okay do I’ll come back in pt 2 with actual dates and stuff but I’ll jump right into the beginning. I had recently cut off this crazy ass guy that I met on Tinder and I’m like ok fuck it let’s try this again. I was getting so bored I swear tinder was soo ugly I couldn’t even hold conversations with half of those guys. And then I came across Charlie, ugh he was just so adorable. The obvious caught my eye, nice cars, nice eyes, nice hair, nice clothes. And WEED. And he was 21? How could I ask for more? And I had literally fallen for him by the time we matched, I think I waited maybe a day or less before I just shot my shot. I said “sheeeesh” with a few heart eye emojis and he said something like “Look at you”, and I just died. Was it too good to be true already? What was the catch? Fake acc??? Dude I don’t even know, but I was quick to gtfo of Tinder and asked for his snapchat, which went well. He sent me a selfie at one point when talking and all was fine, I really wanted to hang out with him because I suck at replying and I didn’t want to lose this chance and fuck it up by having out convo go dead. I had already told so many people about him too it was so crazy I was really getting my hope up for this guy. I mentioned him to my coworker Christiane, my siblings, Dora! And here I am, dating him??? He’s my man, my boyfriend, he’s mine. But it was a little challenging at first, I wanted to meet up on the weekend but he’s 21 so he was out doing 21 things w his friends of course. He went to ugly ass Darna and the MGM both places I can’t go to smh. Anyways, he’s definitely flirting with me as we’re talking, and I just kept mentioning that we should hang out. I asked him to come over and he actually said yes ?? oh bruh, he pulled up and was v cute. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans, I was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and shorts since we were just cooling it at my house I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I was actually so shook like omg, I went and told my mom that I was having a friend over and then yeah ((((: She was iffy of course, and one of the first things he said was that my room was “comfy” and it’s funny just last night he mentioned that he was relieved that I didn’t smell like basic bitch. Which is basically like VS but I’m on the other boat of basic at Bath and Body works lmaooo, he’ll find out later though. It’s funny because I do want to get into nicer perfumes anyways, so it’s good timing. Continuing, we were drinking Patron as our first drink omg. Only a few shots and they were half shots because he was driving far back home and he had gone to a bar beforehand. It’s crazy because we totally vibed together and I knew we both felt it, like we were feeling each other but at the same time I we could’ve been cool ass friends. And I’m glad that we have a bff feeling relationship, like that’s my mf boyfriend but that my mf mans too. He literally gives me diarrhea of the mouth, and as someone that can never stop talking it’s crazy to think that I could talk anymore than I already do without not being able to breath between words. At the same time my mind gets jumbled up and I lose my train of thought and I don’t know what to say. Some things just jump out and others just take so long to formulate and I second guess it but even when I cross reference stories and get lost Charlie always reminds me what the whole point of the conversation was. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Good luck Charlie, Charlie and Lola? Charlie is literally so gorgeous, even though he might be wearing colored contacts lmfaoo. And it’s funny bc this other hoe ik wears them so I subtweeted and I wonder if he thinks it’s about him. I love him for appreciating my little butt and my little boobs. See how I keep getting distracted, I can’t even tell our story bc he’s so great and all his little details excite me a lot. Ok so we hung out and he didn’t even kiss me or try to do much but he did flirt with me I think? I couldn’t even tell if he was being friendly or not.  The next time we hung out we drank again, and same thing. It was nice we cooled it but nothing big. As soon as he asked for my number though, I KNEW he was fucking w me. And then I think that it was the 3rd time I copped us coke, and it honestly sucks that my memory is so hazy. Especially with someone that I care about so much and such significant moments, I wish I could remember everything. I wish I could relive it and remember. That’s why this blog is so important to me, I need to remember the good because it seems that only bad and traumatic moments stick to me and cling to my mind. I remember being on my couch and just leaned over and he kissed me and I just exploded. I wish I could remember what I was wearing, what show was on the TV, what time and day it was. I’ll investigate but there’s only so much information I can gather. I don’t want him to know that my mind is burnt as much as it is, I don’t want Charlie to think that something’s wrong with me. And looking back at out 1 month of talking and me falling for him, all I do is talk and talk and I probably seem mildly crazy and self centered. This is not my world, and these people aren’t just living in it. I don’t even know much about him, he’s gonna come over today and I’m going to just ask him everything and stfu. I wish I wasn’t so me, me, me all the fucking time. It’s probably so noticeable and ugly. My fucking baby. I am SO happy he is mine like wow I want him to feel appreciated. I want him to feel good, and I want him to be so happy to be with me and say I’m his girlfriend too. UGH I just missed a good writing opportunity just now while Kukuwa went to lunch. I have a new motivation and yeah it’s to look good for myself but it’s also to look good for my boyfriend, I can only wear so much make up and jewelry. My true looks, frizzy hair, fat stomach, and flat ass will always peek out no matter how I dress it up. I need to work on it, I can’t be out with a cute ass guy like him and not look like a bad ass bitch. So far we’ve been to the movies together, and the fair. But those are separate stories, and this will literally go on forever and ever. I wanted to write every detail I could possibly remember, and I can’t wait to add things to our scrapbook, it’s going to be so lit. He’s motivated me to stay more financially stable so that I can sustain us both, so we can have fun and can continuously have a nice time. I want to go everywhere, I want to go on trips and go see the world and have real adventures with my love. Fall is coming up and we’re going to do the whole sha-bang, I want to go to the pumpkin patch, horror fest at Kings Dominion, I want to dress up as something doesn’t have to match or anything. I want to take corny ass photos, and I REALLY want to carve pumpkins. I want to be able to get naked and let you love me, to embrace me and to kiss me everywhere. I want to be able to feel good and confident in front of my boyfriend. I recently got some new products hopefully they can help with the new scars bumps and the old scars, I feel like it’s going to take forever but I hope it’ll go quick. I need to start taking my vitamins and just take care of myself in general. Going back to Charlie instead of going on and on about my pointless and selfish insecurities, as soon as we kissed I felt myself melt into my underwear. I Felt myself wanting more and more, wanting to just grab him and love him everywhere. Literally the night that I discovered the song “Sleepwalk” by Santo and Johnny was right after we just had our first kiss and the riff at the first 7 seconds of the song just climaxes the same slow and tender way that these feelings hug my insides and gently squeezes my heart with small pools and waves of care and affection. I’m sure there’s a better way to organize those thoughts and feelings but I want it to be true and raw. He is just so pretty, Charlie is soo pretty to me I don’t know what to do. We had an unspoken trust where we gave each other everything. Sometimes I want to rip his face off because hes just so mesmerizing to me. It would super duper suck if he has brown eyes he’d look fine of course but the bragging rights that I have a boo w hazel eyes is veryyy high for me. He told me that he’d be having a oc for a whole week and that I’m invited of course, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not going to lie but the fact that I haven’t met his mom makes me nervous and hurt. What if she doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me, and we’re already dating as boyfriend and girlfriend? I really do think that it matters and I almost jokingly met her last night but I didn’t like my outfit enough for a first impression and I honestly do think it matter so much dude. This is the first and last image she’ll see of me until the next time I’d see her and who knows how long that’ll be. Not only that im trying to get hit from the back soooo bad omg I miss back shots so bad but I feel like we can’t catch the same rhythm. It sucks because the one time we did it was the first time we had sex in his little side room in his basement. And DUDE I’m lowkey embarrassed I did this weak ass little roll on his dick. I think our sex is really good, but it could be better. I haven’t cheated on him and I can feel that my pussy is tight and I can tell that he feels it too.   

8/28/2019

[justintimbershit]

1-116

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

I’m confused as to why this is double spaced. i don’t want it to be double spaced, yet its double spaced. why? fuck off. 

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

occassionally but not on a regular basis which is tragic 

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

no. thats fun. 

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

i trust too easily but i shouldn’t and it bothers me but like, when it matters i don’t trust that easily. i don’t think.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

sitting in bed thinking i should sleep and then not sleeping for a couple hours bc I’m annoying as fuuuuuUUuuuuUuuck 

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

molly and lex definitely lol

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

probably cry forever and die 

8: Are you close with your dad?

not really but its fine 

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

i didn't 

10: What are you listening to?

jennifer talk like always when I’m doing these questions 

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

probably just water so then i can add flavoring #hacks

12: Do you like hickeys?

yes they’re nice 

13: What time do you go to bed?

whenever the fuck i want I’m an adult, but usually not before midnight ever 

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

nacho boy. this bitch. like u bought me nachos. then told me u wish u were buying me nachos. and then u tell me u wanna not talk bc ur talking to another girl. how many times can u fuckin say we’ll hang out then cancel on me then tell me i look hot then tell me ur busy for the rest of ur life then tell me u want me then ignore me and let our snap streak die. fuck YOU. 

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

not as quickly but i can still do it 

16: Do you always answer your texts?

usually always yes. unless I’m ignoring u. but even then ill answer eventually.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

ummMmmMm idk who i fell hardest for tbh. but chances are yes bc i hate everyone  

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

im one of those ppl who constantly has to talk to her friends so like…5 seconds ago lol 

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

JOEY!!!! THE LOML!!!! he picked me up last time i saw him despite him being literally half my weight. i love him. he could never make me sad. he’s one of my safe spots. always happy in his arms. 

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

ummmmm i was waiting for a boy to message me back so probably about him tbh 

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

there is not………that i can see 

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

justin timberlake would say yes so i say yes 

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

no. i am 75634728930% happier now than i was four months ago. i love college. but I’m still not happy. just happier. ya KNOW 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

ye i don’t know if things are necessarily broken but they def need fixing but also I’m not gonna try if they’re not gonna try YA FEEL 

25: In the past week, have you cried?

yes. i cried over a dog. 

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

white.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

my teachers used to but not really anymore

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

umm the love of my life on tinder is potentially ignoring me or is maybe just really busy i don’t know but i love him and want him to message me back. also, nacho boy like always but iM OVER IT. 

29: Do you have a best friend?

id say i have many 

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

no. lol 

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

mary was my last text and my mother my last call 

32: Are you mad at anyone?

everyone tbh. i hate people. I’m mad at everyone forever. 

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yes like…..4 hours ago 

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

25

35: How many more days until your birthday?

ONE MONTH EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

lmao tf no i don’t even have plans for tomorrow 

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

yes joseph and peter r cool 

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

i do not really think so, but who tf knows 

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i do not really think so?

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

not that i recall. i mean like now looking back, yes, obviously. but at the time no.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

to an extent yes but also to an extent no 

42: Are you available?

not emotionally but physically 

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

like………i don’t even know if my feelings are real. don’t fucking ask me this. bye. 

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

nips 

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

i think so, if its the right kind of exes ya but shits never gonna work if there r still feelings 

46: Do you regret anything?

yes, being born 

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

how fuckin TIRED I AM I WANNA DIE 

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

indeed i have, my dude 

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

i wouldn’t say so 

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

bc hes involved w Satan (the girl not the devil) and i cant deal w that right now 

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

no he has not 

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

ummmm we haven’t talked since he dropped me off but he may text me tomorrow but I’m not about to text him first 

53: What was the last thing you ate?

restaurant style tortilla chips made w 7 seeds and grains 

54: Did you get any compliments today?

i think so. if the boy i had sex w didn’t compliment me i shouldn’t have had sex w him. I’m sure he said something 

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

i don’t even know if I’m going on a next vacation 

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

i do not think so, which is tragic 

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls currently 

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

illinois all my life which is LAME 

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

friday when my mom picked me up from school and drove me home 3 hours

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

yes in like 7th grade lol but not since i do not believe 

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

i don’t think so? 

62: Who do you text the most?

ummm this is a great question. maybe mary or ola. 

63: What was the last movie you saw?

i watched zootopia yesterday. i think it was yesterday. idk but i think that was the last movie i saw. unless I’m going crazy. wait jk i watched the beginning of mr. woodcock tonight but didn’t finish it 

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

i don’t have a current boyfriend/girlfriend 

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

zero 

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

no he is not U ALREADY ASKED THIS 

67: Do you curse around your parents?

nope they’d kill me i think 

68: Are you happy with where you live?

i suppose. it could be better but it could also be much worse 

69: Picture of yourself?

imagine a pile of shit inside a trash can filled w trash….thats me 

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

i like monogamy if its w a good person ya know.

71: Have you ever been dumped?

i do not believe so because i don’t recall ever being in a relationship 

72: What do you most like about making out?

when they stop making out w u and kiss ur neck  

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

yes, thats what all my make out sessions r like. I’ve never seriously been involved w anyone ever 

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

1000% other person bc I’m a PUSSY 

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

smile but also like…abs. fuck me up 

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

either alex or sam 

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

that has indeed happened lmao. 

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

that has thankfully not happened.

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

when boys call me baby :))))))) and flirts w me :))))))))) i love attention and boys being nice to me 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

ummm. depends what ‘involved with’ means. fuck? yes. date? no. 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

no bc nobody has ever had a crush on me lol 

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

i tell my friends and i have a decent amount of friends. 

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

my last sweetie does not exist, sweetie. jeez get off my fuckin case bro. 

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

probs never. i don’t ever recall slow dancing w anyone 

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

that was never a thing that happened. 

86: How can I win your heart?

PUPPIES and soft blankets and FOOOOD 

87: What is your astrological sign?

sagittarius 

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

nothing much different from what i was doing at 11pm last night 

89: Do you cook?

i do not :( 

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

no bc i have no old flame 

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

kinda, ya. :( 

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

ummm. i don’t wanna fall into a relationship too quick but also if i like someone i wanna date them ya know

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

nice hair, nice smile, nice body 

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

1. a smoothie 

2. a boy to cuddle me to sleep rn 

3. medicine to cure my brain 

4. money 

95: Are you a player?

i wouldn’t consider myself to be 

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

according to the definition of a day being 24 hours i believe yes but according to my definition of a day being from when you wake up to when you go to sleep no. 

97: Are you a tease?

I’ve been called a tease but i don’t think i permanently am. i just looked hot and had to get attention from a boy

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

i don’t think so??? 

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

yes. justin timberlake 

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

probs

101: Hugs or Kisses?

hugs 

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

yes 100% 

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

smile 

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

YES 

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

um id probs talk to them about it but tell them i wouldn’t if they were still in a relationship regardless ya know 

106: Do you flirt a lot?

i try but i fail a lot 

107: Your last kiss?

like 4 hours ago w a boy named colin 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

yes

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

yes 

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

justin timberlake or brandon saad 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

i have a solid idea 

112: Does someone like you currently?

i think so yes. possibly multiple guys yike 

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

i do and it HURTS 

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

id like to be in a relationship but everyone i want to be in a relationship w makes it impossible to do so 

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

yes. i have, thank u v much 

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

ive never been in. a relationship so i don’t have anything to compare it to.

[the-st0ryofagirl]

Happy New Year

well it wouldn't be a proper text post without an entry about Matt during the year, so what a perfect way to start the year! Literally thought, he’s the person I started 2017 of with. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out if that was a blessing or a curse. So that’s what this short story is going to be about: slicing my fingers open, pyrotechnics, a steamy hot tub, and (of course) a blow job. Before I start though I would like to point out that I got my nails done for my cousin’s wedding, I went for acrylic and they’re making this shit really hard to type in. I feel likke one of those ghetto people in skits with their nails tapping on the keys and their fingers all curled back because they’re trying to type with the balls of their fingers and not actually trying to hit every fucking key with each stroke. 

Anyways, story starts a few weeks back more like during thanksgiving break when Mat hit me up to see if I could hang out. I couldn’t so he made me promise to hang out over winter break. I really didn’t want to but he was so goddamn persistent. SO GODDAMN PERSISTENT he asked me everyday to hang out, so I was like ok whatever yeah. The first time we hung out I was awkward as fuck, honestly I’m mad at myself for being so quiet and wary. He kept trying to make a move on me and I kept my distance. I should have flirted or something...but any who, he invited his friend Josh to hang with us and so he tagged along with us on our hangout and it took out any and all intimacy there was (or I guess because of me, there wasn’t). He dropped me off home later on and I was determined to redeem myself, so I asked to hangout again and he was like sure yeah and he invited me to hang out with his friend group, but before we went we cuddled at his house and watched the warriors game. It was sweet and innocent and he would give me hugs and wrap his arms around me constantly and just hold on to me. Even when we were with his friends he would keep close to me and try to be at my side even if we were doing completely different things. We went hot tubbing with everyone and he sat next to me again and he would put his hand on my thigh in front of everyone, even if his ex girlfriend was next to me and she kept eyeing his hand and he didn't care. He dropped me off at home later that night, around 3 am to be exact...my dad almost skinned me alive. But since it was so late I was feeling extra ballsy and told him that next time we hung out I expected him to grow some balls and kiss me because that’s what I wanted to happen. He agreed and invited me to hang out with his group of friends. 

So NYE comes around and he picks me up and drives us to this chick Olivia’s house where everyone is already there. We walk in and everyone is in the kitchen trying to cut up stuff and heat shit up and whatnot so I decide to help out and start cutting up strawberries without a cutting board. I thought whatever I was doing was taking forever so I decide to cut the strawberry ON MY HAND, thus ending in me slicing not one but TWO fingers open and getting blood EVERYWHEREEEE. Ok I didn’t actually bleed on anything but whatever. After that this chick named Emily comes in and I just see her eyeing Matt and she then proceeds to call him as her partner for BP even though he was mine next, he goes with her and I was like lol ok. Something happens and they come back in before starting the game and Jeff knew I was Matt’s partner so he called me over and I was like ok lets go! But then matt was like “oh im emily’s parter” and so again I was like ok lolololOLOLOL. fInE. :))))))))) So I ended up dancing inside and when they were done it was my turn to play BP Sasha called me to be her partner and Matt saw me going to play and was like hey ill be your partner and i was like oh Sasha’s my partner, thats what you get when you ditch me. shrug. hair flip. sassy walk to BP table. Didn’t even turn around to see his reaction. After we killed at BP we went inside and played some weird card game version of never have i ever and after that we went to josh’s house to light fireworks and bitch emily tried to swoop in again when matt went to go sit down and she freaking over slipped on her own drool because she couldn't get to where he was sitting fast enough. I went to go sit with them but then it got weird bc no one was saying anything and walked over to where everyone was standing to watch the fireworks. Matt came up behind me shortly after and watched with me by my side. We were counting down the seconds for 2017 and something ended up happening and we totally missed it. I didn't even get my new years kiss lol but at least the fireworks were dope, and his arms around me were also very pleasant. After a little while i stepped off to the side to call my parents to wish them a happy new year and when i walked back Olivia and Sasha were talking about matt and some girl but i didn't know what they were talking about so i just awkwardly stood there and later realized i was intruding, but Sasha filled me in about how matt was talking to this girl that he had met on tinder and how she didn't like her because she was judgy and a bitch/hoe, she also filled me in on emily and how she didn't like her either and how matt was talking to all these girls and i was like ughh really don’t need to be hearing this right now. So we stopped talking about it and the group split up and went back to Olivia’s house but matt ended up just driving to his house and it was just the two of us. 

We decided to get into the hot tub because it was already heated and stuff and he didn’t want that to go to waste or something. We ended up getting in and we were talking and stuff, honestly I don’t even remember how it even happened but one second he was across the h-tub and the next he pulled me onto his lap and he kissed me. It was sweet and innocent enough, I’m pretty sure I had a goofy grin on my face right after too. We kissed more outside of the hot tub, while we were drying off. After that we went inside and changed into comfy clothes and started watching a movie. We cuddled for like 2 seconds before we started making out, I’m pretty sure we made out for an hour and a half and feeling up on each other, it was great. I found out neck kisses make me weak as fuck, like literally jello, weak at the knees and heavy breathing type of shit. Amazing. I do have to say thought that he tried to get me off through clitoral stimulation and it was just not doing it for me, but I sure damn did pretend it did because I didn't want him to feel bad, so I moaned and shit but damn, it was like he was trying to drill a hold into me or something, shit hurt. Half the time he wasn’t rubbing my clit, it was like the fat of my vagina. Oh well. After some more making out and grinding on each other and stuff I got down to my knees and he took to cue and took off his pants faster than you’d run out the theater if someone yelled “FIRE!!”Let me tell you something, maybe I’m just a hoe, I don’t really know, but I fucking love giving bjs. Like fuck, I don’t know what it is but they’re so much fun! I was having the time of my life while I sucked him off and he stroked my arms, my hair. He would play with the end of my braid and whisper “oh fuck yea” under his breath, he’s mormon dude, do you know how hot it was to hear him cuss? It meant that in that moment he was like “fuck my beliefs for these few seconds because all i believe in is you and that mouth right now and how it’s taking me to another world, oh fuck yea”. When he was about to come he told me to not stop and so I kept doing the thing he likes while pumping him and swallowed him whole. When we were done he was looking at me like I was some goddess sent to him from the heaven above and said “wow, where’d you learn to do that?” Oh honey, if only you knew. Let’s just say I’ve had many a drunken nights since the last time you gave me your little lessons. 

He dropped me off later that night and kissed me one last time before I went inside and he drove off, no talk about hanging out again or anything. 

Everything sounded like it went perfect didn’t it? I thought so too. I got no text from him on January 1, 2017. I couldn’t take it anymore, i was literally driving me insane not hearing from him so I swallowed my pride and texted him today. I’m still not sure if I made the right choice, we’ve been talking all day but he has barely used more than 5 words to a sentence, the average being two word responses. 

I guess the point of this all is I don’t know what to do or say to him. I feel like I’m so much more emotionally into this now than he is, and I’m scared because it’s always been very mutual between us. He’s never really responded to me like this before, but I’m so confused because Saturday night was so great, I thought I was reading all the signs correctly and things were right. 

I don’t know what to do, or what to say to him, I like him a lot and I just don’t know what to do. 

Fuuuuck me. What have I done now.