#and im not blaming you this shit is bleak

[reneestation2]

I notice a lot of people don't like the CV show, especially because Konami is not doing anything in terms of CV games, even though it's been 6 years, and the show's content is vastly overshadowing the game series' content on every online medium, but also because the writing sucks a little bit.

I mostly enjoyed the show, and so I was thinking about it, and there's a good amount of some substantial reasons on why people enjoy the show, there's SO MANY substantial reasons to either dislike or not want to watch the show entirely. Like I thought about it from my most 'average person' perspective, there's so much dumbass writing in the show. The amount of pointless characters or really stupid incentive or motive is actually mind-boggling.

I'm not gonna say I dislike it because the show is definitely a lot more than its spotty writing. I personally love the art style and not only the animation, but the choreography of action scenes is the pinnacle of the show tbh. And even then, some characters are fantastic to watch. Especially Sypha, Isaac, and Dracula. Even Varney was kinda perfect, in my opinion.

But the negativity is ramping up, because we're getting a second entirely new animated series, that didn't really need to happen, but honestly I'm for it, just because I really like Powerhouse animation, and YET, the ONLY Castlevania things happening are stuff Konami can't even bother to advertise, which are just ports to modern consoles, or a selection of niche merchandise.

If they announce a new game during gamescon or Tokyo game show, then great!! There's nothing to worry about there. But it feels like Konami is just handing Castlevania from one foster parent to another, instead of actually caring about it or working on it. Especially with all of the negative gaming press around Konami for the shitty MGS switch ports, the fact that Bloober is working on the SH2 remake, the fact we've heard nothing about the other SH games they announced for almost an entire year. People do kind of have a right to be mad. This shit is really getting out of hand.

[choiraugur]

So you've mentioned that you like all the Soulsborne games, not just Bloodborne, but which Soulsborne was your first exposure to the series? What made you want to check them all out, and what is your favorite thing about them (each individually or in general as they also have reoccurring themes? nobody trolls people in power like they do xd) .

Also I can't forget you asking me about Creighton so I assume you like DS2 as well (rare but huge W in these trying times vvhjgjjg). Who are your DS2 favs? 🌛

I need you to know that I had to pause for like one hour after getting this ask because I got so excited to respond to it that I couldn’t think straight enough to properly manage a reply with actual words. in fact what I’ve written down here isn’t as eloquent or articulate as id want it to be but. autism works in funny ways so the best I can do rn is say words and giggle to myself with glee

im putting the reply under a cut bc it’s long af also lmao

the first dark souls was my initial exposure to the series as a whole! I got into it some years ago but I don’t think I was as invested in it then as I am now. I’ve always loved the themes of the series and the gameplay was, despite all the frustration, very fun and engaging so I wanted to check out more souls games after it. Dsi remains my favourite game of all time along with bloodborne btw! I would blame it on nostalgia but honestly the game really does have so much to offer. dark souls i meatriding is very cliche but there’s a good reason for that yk. Nothing teaches you patience like dark souls. (this game also has one of my two favourite characters of all time, gwyndolin! they managed to create a transgender allegory that speaks so closely to me- from familial expectations to the desire to be seen and recognised by the family that constantly neglects you and shames you for your very existence to the point where your identity ceases to exist because you are trying so desperately to belong. you try to forge yourself into the perfect shape but the core of the problem lies not in the shape of your identity, but your very existence. the unending cultist devotion to the people who made your life hell because this is all you have. I love gwyndolin so much)

I moved to dark souls ii after and honestly loved it (and still love it) very much. I feel like people give it too much shit and criticise it too quickly because of its reputation, which is a shame because it has so much to offer. The lore is so rich and the gameplay can get so fun if you just give it a chance. I agree that the start is difficult, but isn’t this true with every new fromsoft game you play? The thing I really love about soulsborne games is that there is a learning curve. Absolutely anybody can finish these games even if they are a terrible gamer because of the fact there is a learning curve. And sure it’s a frustrating one a lot of the time, but when you get comfortable enough with the mechanics and become more confident in playing, the experience becomes so so fun and rewarding. The estus problems people always complain about at the beginning of the game honestly stop being a noticeable issue after you discover items that help you replace this bother. I can 100% see why somebody would dislike dsii because it unfortunately went through developement hell, but I do believe that 98% of the time people judge this game too quickly and too harshly just because of the negative reputation it has. It sucks that they don’t give it a chance. I’ve seen so many people have an opinion on it (always a bleak one) without even playing it themselves also which is so dumb. At least play it man. Idk. It gets the second-installation-in-a-series curse I guess. dsii fans need to stick together and call it the best game oat to piss everyone else off

i got into bloodborne after dsi and dsii, i think I started playing bloodborne in mid 2021? Not that long ago but it has been my absolute favourite thing in the world ever since. SO much about it has kept me around because it manages to cater to so many of my general special interests lol. I’ve always loved cosmic horror and the victorian era of medicine. religion (and how those in power can use religion to control the masses) is another thing i always end up getting fixated on, so bloodborne was just the perfect thing for me. I love the themes! And characters! And designs! And gameplay mechanics! The world building! Everything is so so good. The thing that has mainly kept me around so intensely is how important exploration and personal interpretation is with this game. this is honestly my favourite thing about all spulsborne games actually- fromsoft never gives you any direct answers, and we are still finding new things about bloodborne several years after its release which is insane. It has just an endless amount of things to offer, I can’t say ENOUGH about it. I could write pages upon pages on why I love bloodborne so much, it’s difficult to keep my answer here concise. All I can say is it consumes my every thought every second of the day. Very good.

Dsiii was the last soulsborne game i got into (not fromsoft tho, that was elden ring, which i somehow only got into on august of 2023) i love dsiii because i love the dark souls series so so much in general, but for some reason it’s my least favourite out of all spulsborne games. The story and bosses are all super cool and i loved the conclusion it provided for the series, but it’s the one i find the least entertaining? or not the least entertaining, but it’s the one I think about the least. maybe it’s because i still kind of experience it as a. second version of bloodborne since i played bloodborne before ds3 lol. which is an unfair judgement but I can’t let go of that feeling it gives me for some reason. great game but I end up fixating more on the others fsr

navlaan is my favourite character in ds2 also! i love a little fucked up sorcerer. I need more grey thinking. good and bad mean nothing in the name of acquiring knowledge. nuance is required to understand navlaan and its why I often avoid reading stuff about him lol.

I’m realising my response to your ask focuses more on just my personal experience with the games rather than what it is within them that I love, I didn’t really get into detail about that at all lol but. I already said so much 💀

[angie-long-legs]

I don't mean to put any type of blame on you because you are not to blame. However, the thing about manipulation is that once you become aware of it, it becomes much less effective. Unless, and I think that's your case, you find yourself stuck in a state of taught helplessness.

You know what he's saying is not true. You know he's trying to manipulate you to maintain control. In theory, you know he's lying. And yet, you let his words sink in, simply because it's familiar. Because he's done it so much that it's basically force of habit to take it in. And once again, you're not to blame for this. It's not your fault to have a completely logical and common trauma response to his abuse. He's completely responsible for being an abuser in the first place. But it's time you apply the theory to practice and break that pattern.

"Then what am I supposed ta do?!" Angel snapped, his voice far too taut and pitchy to portray the intended aggression. More than anything, he sounded like a cornered animal, trying in vain to scare off a predator that he knew would devour him. "I know he's full a' shit, I just... I can't stop thinkin'... hopin' that it ain't."

A few drinks too many, a grinding comedown from whatever the fuck he'd taken, and a conversation designed to get in his head. It was a recipe for disaster, and that disaster took the form of raw, untethered emotion bubbling to the surface, bleeding out of Angel in waves of furious shame. "I want him ta want me, okay?!" he bleated pitifully, utterly detesting the weakness this sentiment portrayed. "And when he's mad cuz I ain't around, or he's blowin' up at me fa flirtin' with otha' guys... It- it makes me feel wanted," the spider admitted. "I know it's bad, it's fuckin' pathetic. I don't want ta be like this! But I can't stop wantin'... him."

Dragging his arm across his face with a sniffle, Angel tried and failed to conceal his tears. He felt like a fucking child, whimpering uselessly over something so completely out of his control. Why now? Why was he even saying any of this? The words seemed to spool from him of their own volition, winding and desperate and bleak. "So, when he tells me he's sorry, that he didn't mean ta hurt me... that he'll be better... I tell 'im it's okay," he murmured, his voice cracking as he held it a fraction above a whisper. "Hell, I stopped believin' him a long fuckin' time ago, but I still wanna believe him.

"It hurts less than givin' up on him."

[llycaons]

ep39 (1/3): SONG LAN!!! KILL!!!!!

oh my god this section was so boring. and I hate that mist! you can't see shit! xy vanishing and then appearing was so annoying. im glad this section was over relatively quickly

wen ning is so badass for this

a-qing going out there using the tools she has to bring an end to xy is SO brave I cannot even imagine the courage it takes for her not to run and hide whenever xy is around given he tortured and mutilated her! but she's doing what she can do make sure he pays - she's not giving up on the sliver of power she has, in the difference she can make. ugh I love her

so unfair!!! why couldn't she have lived!!! like I understand xxc dying but it seems so bleak and pointless for her to die too

OFF with his arm

so gentle 🥺

SONG LAN GETTING UP!! WHOO

this scene fucks so hard. DO IT SONG LAN

BLOOD REFLECTION

yesss

YESSSS

flashback, xy's dying memories. we don't know how or when xxc found him out and I kind of wish we did but also, it didn't really matter

this entire scene is xy playing with xxc, tormenting him, rubbing his failures in his face. he's such a sick sadistic fuck it's so upsetting

'PLEASE let me tell you my sob story' 'NO??!!!'

I'm beginning to wonder if xy is like. in touch with reality. like we say he's unhinged and insane but does he really genuinely think this way

interesting how xxc actually doesn't mind eye for an eye revenge, but xy went overboard. because. well. he's deeply self-centered and devoid of compassion for others

and THEN he starts blaming xxc for like, daring to try to stop him? deflecting again! going on the offense to avoid facing what he's done

oh shut up stop quoting wwx. it's obvious what's going on here

here it is

see look how gleeful he is doing this! goddamn. he enjoys hurting and terrorizing people for fun. including xxc. who ships this it doesn't even make sense

UH OH

[countably-infinite-rats]

Uhhhhh how long have we known that that's utter bullshit???

not the worst tbh at least she says that they could get hormones but with these waiting times good luck

OH GREAT MORE BEUROCRACY MORE I HAVE TO PROVE IM A REAL TRANNY BEFORE YOU LET ME HAVE MY FUCKING LIFE SAVING MEDS. THANKS.

oh yay, it really is all about making fucking babies isnt it, come on, also fertility isn't affected that much like??? all endocrinologists say that its a terrible birth control measure

okay, the "continuity service" doesn't sound too awful, IF its implemented correctly, which you just know it won't be. the other option they give is to extend GIDS to 25yo which would actually be excluding under 25s from hormones and surgery

i didn't see an explicit call for conversion therapy but they definately called for more therapy sessions without specifying the kind, just that it's specifically for gender diverse people. they did include a call for therapy care included with endo not separated but that was just a quote from a "youth respondant" so doesn't have any weight behind it

ADDITIONALLY they called for more comorbidity assessments specifying autism spectrum disorder, yknow, that disorder that once youre diagnosed, clinicians will blame all your gender troubles on that

absolutely agree there, there isn't a single political party that actively helps trans people. at all. fuck labour and the tories and whoever else but it doesn't matter bc hey emergent two party system

i think the post above is taking a very negative stance to this, the review does call for a change in policy over name changes or social transition or surgery - it is dealing primarily with the under 18s service which does not offer surgery - and i cant see policy regarding name change or social transition changing unless things get really bleak (the government would have to go back to banning cross dressing which i think would start riots actually) but i can absolutely see things getting so much worse following this review. i just hope that these recommendations are implemented in good faith, i hope and i hope and i hope

also yes i did note the "all research on this topic is badly done except for mine, mine is good" attitude in the review which is fucking disgusting and they use it to try to claim that since all this research is apparently useless that all these treatments should be considered experimental. also the insistance that "puberty blockers use in children was developed in the late 20th century and is experimental and untested" - babygirl thats 25 years at least, thats actually closer 50 years if you look at the actual timelines and also medicine is not so slow that something stays experimental and unsafe for 25 fuckin years

they claimed that "we don't know how many people will change their mind ooo what if bad thingn happen" then pull up a table that says detransitioners are such a tiny minority that they don't have a pencentage but its too small"

on the positive side: the review does suggest a lot of good logistical improvements and recommends the opening of more clinics to reduce waiting and the standardisation of care across the country. that is all the good points.

i very much skim read this and focused in on certain parts that i think are more important so if i missed anything please correct me

addendum (oo fancy word): i really don't see why this review is needed, yeah we needed improvements but we already knew what those were and plus the review was literally brought about by terfs having a meltdown so yeahh.. i just thing hormones and shit shouldn't be gatekept, sure theres an argument for managing children's access but honestly not a particularly strong one but as soon as you're an adult you should just be able to get them easily, shake it up a little and not need to prove "a constant desire to behave like the opposite gender"

OH YEAH ALSO NHS AND UK GOV IN GENERAL STILL REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT NON BINARY PEOPLE EXIST, HOUSES OF TWATS

not nearly enough people are fuming about the cass review. do you understand the eventual implications? trans people in the uk will be considered children up until the age of 25, and denied HRT/surgery/even basic measures like legal name change and social transition. all owing to a biased and largely unscientific study. you know what “treatment” for gender dysphoria is recommended by the review instead? conversion therapy.

this will kill people and they know it, because they prefer us dead and out of sight. the government, the NHS and even the opposition have made this clear again and again. a twenty-five year old can have sex, get married have children, join the military, earn a living, be halfway up the corporate ladder or highly successful in their chosen career field by that age, but they can’t transition under NHS rules. this is a death sentence for trans teenagers and they are going ahead with it. it’s trans genocide, same as across the pond.

i’m so afraid for my trans siblings and our futures. i’m so scared for myself. what are we to do if not even the party that is supposed to be on the “left” gives a shit about our safety and mental health as long as they get voted in? labour have become tories with a red coat of paint. it all feels hopeless

[innerphasm]

Due to my stubborness, or maybe cowardise, perhaps arrogance, I havent been able to properly say sorry. to me, sometimes a true apology feels like a kind of death, ironically however, like a captain of dysfunction, I would rather go down with the sinking ship then admit any wrongdoings… I just want this chance, to apologize to you from the sunken shipwreck at the bottom of my heart..

Im sorry for the way I left things with you, for the mean things I said and for all the times I would leave you after sending abusive messages. Im sorry that you spent such a big part of your lifetime trying to work things out with me, and that every time you tried to help me or give me a chance to be what I led you to believe I was I threw it back in your face. Im sorry that I wasnt what I led you to believe I was...

Im sorry that I wasnt able to be there for you, even when we met and I couldnt actually turn up physically* or emotionally; that I could never be there eye to eye in conversation and that I was blind to your energy, and who you were. Im sorry that I made you feel responsible when I was being so needy, and for how I took your love for granted. Im sorry that you had to carry me for so long.

Im sorry for the ways I might have hurt you, or interfered with your life and that you were so young when you got sucked into my story, Im sorry for the ways I hurt you, abused you, used you, and let you down.

truly Im sorry, Please know that I genuinely loved you and wanted the best for you. I wanted to be the person you deserved, but my issues and pain clouded my judgment, and I failed you. I felt for you like i had never felt about anything. I was just so stunted, and i was in pain, and i was blind, I honestly felt so fucked up. my life was a desperate struggle for air and from the moment i met you on stickam I clinged to you like I was drowning, its like i hooked everything onto you, you were all of my hope. (you may not have realised) I used you to support all my shit while i pulled myself out of a bleak pit. I feel like I blamed you when you were upset by it. thank you for your patience and support during those difficult times. I feel like theres no way anyone deserved that and I certainly didnt deserve you. I have to thankyou, even though you didnt volunteer for it.

If only there was a way for me to convey the truth of the matter to you, about what you meant to me and where I was coming from, You represented an opportunity for me to start a new life, but i spent the entire time stuck in my perspective of it. I could go on, and I know I have missed countless things, but theres only so many times I can say sorry before it becomes a problem in itself…

I dont know if you feel you need an apology or not, Im not sending it because I need your forgiveness… Im sending it as an expression of regret, to the one person who has mattered more to me then anyone else in my life. You may never know how you saved me.

[starseungs]

➳ romeo and juliet is so overrated. lf

• pairing: lee felix x gn!reader (ft. kim seungmin)

blind dates are shit. and yet you're still roped into one by your wonderful mother who can't wait for you to experience "true romance." but what happens if you end up getting a second date? except its not with who your mom set you up with.

• genre: fluff, humor (romcom?), blind date au, strangers to lovers — 5.2k words

• warnings: mentions of food, blind date gone wrong, first date awkwardness, minor cursing, story is not actually inspired by romeo and juliet (incase the title gives off otherwise)

• note: this is in the same universe as this seungmin fic i also wrote! you can go read that after if you'd like, but this was mainly written as a stand alone, so its not going to affect too much if you decide not to^^ also this was a pain to proofread cz my laptop kept freezing- if theres any mistakes im sorry 💀

2022 ⓒ starseungs on tumblr. do not steal, repost, or edit.

Blind dates are shit. 

That was a motto you lived and breathed by—a belief you were very sure you'd end up taking to the grave. That's how much you detested the concept.

But like any sane person, you had a reason as to why attending a blind date was the last thing you'd ever want to do on a particularly good night—a time you could have used to relax from working the entire week. First of all, you'd much rather go on a date with someone you already knew. It saves the time normally spent trying to converse about the basics using small talk (you'd rather get to the more important topics, please.) And second of all—

—It never worked out for you.

Okay, maybe the second reason accounted for the bigger percentage of why you hated the process of blind dates so much, but who could blame you? Every blind date you've had so far has been either an "I'd-rather-not-experience-romance-in-my-life-anymore" bad, or good but with a catch that immediately turns you off. The only time the match you got vibed well with your standards, it turned out that they were already interested in someone else and were just forced on the date by their pushy mother.

Talk about relatable.

See, as much as you hated blind dates, your mother loved them to oblivion. The woman who birthed you was very determined to snatch you a person that would finally turn your "monochrome-painted single life" into one that had a significant other in it and give you a chance to finally experience bursts of color (her words, not yours.) The whole deal sounded like it came straight out of a fantasy book, one that had the concept of soulmates in it. Sometimes you wondered if she was doing all this so that she could finally leave you in the responsibility of someone else. Granted, you also did know the actual reason she desperately yearns to get you married soon was because apparently their children's lives were her friend group's only source of entertainment.

So when your mother called you out of the blue one night, telling you she'd gone ahead and set up a blind date with you and this other lady that she met in the market's son, you weren't anywhere near surprised. At that point, this was merely another normal day for you. Which was why, like an obedient child, you agreed ever so soullessly, just wanting to get the situation over with as soon as possible. If you had your way, you would have wished for nothing more than to laze on the couch with your roommate Seungmin, trying to watch whatever Netflix had to offer for this bleak afternoon.

But you couldn't—which resulted in you glaring heavily at the guy comfortably melted on your shared couch. He looked like he had not one care in the world, something you could probably trade your precious trinket collection for. "I hate you so much," you whined in defeat, pacing near the kitchen. "Why can't you go instead of me?"

Seungmin scoffed lightly in the background. "Yeah, right. Not interested," he shifted his position to make eye contact with your distressed form, "Just don't go? The world seems to give you bad dates anyway, so why not take fate's obvious advice and stop attending them?"

"But my mom would be so mad! It's also rude for me to stand the guy up after I said I would go…" Your roommate muttered something under his breath, but you had other things to worry about than what you would have guessed were his complaints about your indecisiveness. The date was set for two hours from now, and you haven't even stepped out of the apartment because of nerves.

Sure, you considered blind dates a waste of time for you, but that doesn't mean you don't get nervous when you're literally meeting new people who are expected to hit it off with you. At the end of the day, these were still strangers, and wanting to make a good first impression was a normal thing to feel. At least that's what you keep telling yourself as you tap your foot impatiently against the hardwood floor. You were very well aware of Seungmin's nasty side-eye directed towards your fidgeting, but he can take that complaint up with himself.

Deciding to suck it up and finally go, you called out to your roommate, who had already diverted his eyes to be glued to the TV screen. "Min, I have to go now," you informed him through your light pants, absolutely feeling the rush already even though you were still only trying to get your shoes on at the front.

"Sure. Enjoy," he waved you off quickly, not even bothering to spare you a glance. The show he's been waiting to watch was playing on the screen, letting you know Seungmin was already immersed in the story. You fondly rolled your eyes at his actions before heading out the door.

The outside world was a lot more welcoming today than you would have liked. With the temperature being perfect and the sun having mere hours until it says its goodbyes, casting a dim shade over the streets almost like a filter—it felt too perfect for a day you were expecting to go home and feel sorry for yourself once again. You clicked your tongue at the pitiful reminder and started picking up your pace. The sooner you got this over, the sooner you could return and mope around in the comforts of your warm bed. 

Who needs a significant other? Your bedroom was filled enough on its own.

It almost pained you to walk past the beautiful park, its landscaping coaxing you to stay and live your evening enjoying the gentle breeze. But you were already at your first destination, a whole building apart from the land of temptations, and you bitterly thought that whoever planned to build the two next to each other was a shameless sadist who wanted to ruin what was left of the positivity in people like you.

For someone wearing such an expensive-looking (emphasis on looking) semi-formal attire, one would think that you were heading to your plans via private transport. Clearly, that was what others seemed to think too, each one attempting to peel their eyes off you because of the way you stood out in the busy area. Well, boo hoo to them (and you; especially you), because no. You weren't. Not even a small vehicle called a motorcycle was available for your personal use. In fact, the area being mentioned is actually the train station, which is a few blocks away from your apartment complex. It was expected for the place to be cramped around this time—a rush hour filled with people wanting to go back home after a tiring day.

Oh, how you wanted to be one of them.

Yet instead, you were doing the exact opposite, boarding the public transportation because you had an appointment at dinner time. It's fine; you pat yourself on the back. Free dinner is still free dinner; you were not heading back home a complete loser tonight. That was, of course, if the gentleman you would be meeting in about an hour would be willing to pay the entire bill. The thought alone of the thin roll of paper left a sour taste in your mouth. Or maybe that was just the lemon-flavored toothpaste you used earlier.

The train ride was surprisingly the most bearable part of your day so far. Silence was always appreciated when it was needed, and you definitely needed it now. The white noise provided by the engines and the sound it made when the rails of the track came into contact with the train had you feeling drowsy. It was almost perfect; the ambience was relaxing enough for you to forget about today's agenda. Perhaps if this continued a bit more, you would walk out of this train and change plans to have an exciting "me time." However, that wish was shattered in seconds as you gripped your mobile phone tightly, reading the new message over and over again.

He's looking forward to meeting with you.

You didn't know if the dude was genuinely that deprived of a love life to look forward to meeting with a random person his mother set him up with in the grocery store—or that your own mother was twisting his words just to send you something, anything, that'll make you unable to turn around and ride another train back home. Either way, it looks like it's her lucky day because whatever the deal was, it actually worked on you. 

In a blink of an eye, you were already staring up at the fancy restaurant where it was agreed the two of you would meet. The building itself was already quite intimidating: tall, pristine white pillars you could barely name the material of (you weren't bougie enough for that), high ceilings with multiple intricate chandeliers—each adorned with crystal-like glass—and hints of gold plating along the walls. The people around you were on a different level as well, all dressed up in expensive brands you don't even know how to pronounce. It's safe to say that the place was a whole different world than the one you just came from.

So, what the heck are you even doing here?

How did your mother even arrange this for you? Was the guy a conglomerate's son or something? And if so, you really had to get this over with, stat. As much as you would love the experience, this was too much pressure. The rich life was not for you—money is great, but this much is quite nauseating. It's an acquired taste, you guess. 

"Excuse me, are you looking for your table?" An employee approaches you, most likely having seen your absolute distress over the situation. You quickly accepted the help and told her your name. "Your table with Mr. Seo is the second one to the right, along the windows."

Oh, so his last name was Seo? You knew it was already suspicious when your mother refused to tell you anything about his identity; which, now that you think about it, why did you even agree to? This man could be a serial killer, and you would be walking right into his trap. Still, you thanked the employee and beelined towards the direction she pointed. You saw the table easily, but the scene that accompanied it was not what you had expected.

Confusion hits you like a pile of bricks. That was him, wasn't it? Or were you mistaken? Checking your mother's message to confirm your suspicions (she had sent you another text saying that the guy was already there waiting), you were able to conclude that it was, in fact, the person who was supposed to be your date.

So if that's him, then who's the other one he's with?

"Psst," you heard someone call out. You knew better than to assume it was for you, though. This restaurant is a public space and may very well be getting the attention of another person. Plus, you don't even know anyone else at this place. "I know you heard me. Just look back; I'm talking to you," the voice followed up. But, you won't fall for it—you weren't born yesterday, and that could not have been for you. It's only common sense, right?

"Are you serious?" They sounded exasperated. "Person standing there like an idiot looking at the table by the window where a couple is sitting, please turn to me."

Oh. It's you.

Your head snapped towards the source of the voice, only to find a handsome face of a male around your age staring at you with eyes filled with amusement, his arms crossed and leaning against the tabletop. He looked to be seated alone, without a companion. You only tilted your head slightly as a way of asking what he wants from you.

Motioning over to your blind date's table, he asked, "You've been staring at them for a while. Is that your lover or something?" Your face contorted in offense, baffled at his words.

"What? No?"

"Good," he chuckles briefly, "I thought I'd have to console someone who got cheated on. By the way, do you want to take a seat first? You standing up right now is quite awkward…"

Realizing the scene you must've been making, you took his offer in embarrassment. "Yeah, thanks. But, no—I don't have a lover," you sighed, feeling your energy drain from the situation. "That guy was supposed to be my blind date, though. I have no idea what's happening." The man in front of you laughed. If you didn't agree with him that the turn of events was hilariously comical, then you would've been very annoyed at the action. Though admittedly, his adorable laugh was also a big factor. This man was attractive, no doubt. Why isn't he your date instead?

"That's a funny coincidence, I'm here on a blind date too," he glances over at the same table, "your date is with mine." 

You gaped at the revelation. What is this? A rom-com? There's no way these things actually happen! Or maybe they do—and you experiencing it firsthand right now would be enough proof. Looking at him with concern, you decided to speak. "Should we tell them?" He simply shook his head in response.

"Nah, I'd rather not. Why do you think I hadn't already? Look at them; they seem to be having a great time."

Seeing your two dates interact, there was no doubt they were hitting it off. Which was bad news to you, since now you just ended up wasting your time by coming here. You knew you should've just stayed home and flaked on the guy. Lesson learned: trust your gut instinct. It could save you a whole lot of time (and money, because when are train stations going to be free?) You mean, good for him for finding a date he liked, but this whole thing just turned out to be a huge mistake for you. But even with that, you didn't want to disturb them—you weren't some antagonist who ruins hope for others because they can't get a happy ending. 

Your silence must have been uncomfortable for the male across from you since he decided to break the silence. "So, random offer—do you still want a date? Maybe we could just be each other's," he says, pointing to you and him.

That... wasn't a bad offer.

In fact, it was a good offer. You didn't know much about this man, but something told your gut to see wherever this took you, and from what you experienced today, always trust your gut. Now, if you had to be honest, his face also played a big part in your spontaneous consideration. You weren't one to judge solely on one person's physical appearance alone, but the guy before you screamed a green flag, and you just couldn't ignore it. As a skeptic might say, you'll believe it when you see it—or, in this situation, you'll regret it once you're given a reason to.

"Sure."

The man before you looked shocked, almost like he couldn't believe that you had agreed to his offer. Was it a joke? Did you read the situation wrong? Maybe he was just trying to lift the mood but actually wanted to go home—you knew you did before this happened. However, all your doubts melted away instantly after seeing his wide smile, eyes sparkling with excitement and newfound interest. You swear you stopped functioning after seeing the sight.

Oh my, he's cute.

You felt your face heat up at the thought that invaded your mind. Get a grip, Y/N! This is a first date—you can't simp right away. At least make yourself seem appealing to the guy! You bit your lip, swallowing heavily at the sudden pressure put on you by your oh-so-fantastic mind. It's fine—you can do this. Icebreakers it is!

"So, what's your name?" You asked curiously, remembering that you've been referring to him as "the man" for the past few minutes that you've known each other. 

He perked up at your question. "It's Felix. Lee Felix," he replied politely while waving his hand for a waiter to bring the menus. After gaining the attention of one, he turned back to you. "What about you?"

"It's Y/N," you responded back. "You have an English name; are you half-foreign?" He hummed at your observation, the low tone catching you off guard. You had already noticed that his voice was deeper than what you had expected from looking at his face, but there was just something extra attractive about that hum. Catching your mind wandering again, you cleared your throat quietly.

"Good catch. I'm actually from Australia," he told you, the grin on his face growing a bit more at the mention of the place. He must really love Australia, huh? "My parents are both Korean, but I grew up there. Came here just a few years ago for work."

Does that mean he's here all alone? That must've been tough for him as well, to live in a whole new country and basically start his life over. You had major respect for people like that; they were what you saw as hardworking and goal-oriented. Sometimes, you even envied them. They could do so much with their lives with that mindset alone. You wish you could be like that someday too. It would be nice to rise above your current state right now—your job was paying enough to get you through the months, but there were still times where you had to worry about finances. Luckily, having a roommate helped with the rent portion of your bills.

Speaking of Seungmin, didn't he say he had an Australian co-worker?

"That's interesting! Australia, huh? I think my roommate mentioned something about having an Australian co-worker. I can't remember his name right now," you shared, "but imagine if you turned out to know each other. If you want, I can ask my roommate to introduce you two! I just thought it'd be nice for you to have another person from Australia with you. Deal with homesickness and all that, you know?"

You didn't think Felix's eyes could shine even brighter, but somehow they managed to do so. "That would be great! Expanding my social circle would be nice too. Making friends is a lot harder now that you're an adult," he sighs.

"You can say that again," you chuckled at his slightly dampened mood. Felix was quite expressive, you noted to yourself. Reading him wasn't hard, but it wasn't as if he put his whole heart on his sleeve either. If he was the type of person to show himself when he found you trustworthy, then you might have to thank him for being comfortable around you. Yes, blind dates didn't normally work for you, but that doesn't mean you didn't try. Of all the dates you've been on, you could only remember one where your efforts were practically zero, and that was just because the guy was a douche from the beginning. Felix was a lot different than the other people you've gone on dates with before—he was relaxed, treated you a lot more casually, yet still emitted that interest. You had a good feeling about where this was going. 

When the menus pulled up, you and Felix had already exchanged some basic interests with each other. This match must've been blessed by the gods because there was a lot you had in common, something you didn't even expect. You and him met under random circumstances, yet you had more chemistry with Felix than you had with any other of your past flings. Which, now that you say it like that, maybe that was why they only stayed as flings.

"Do you see anything you like?" Felix asked from across the table. You quickly scrambled to flip through the menu pages, trying to find something that interested you—too distracted earlier to even do so. Yet, just when you thought you could resume talking to him, you realized a big issue. 

What even were these dishes?

You might have never eaten in a place this fancy before, but—nevermind. That was exactly it. You've never eaten in a place this fancy before and therefore had no idea what all the dishes would taste like. You didn't consider yourself to be such a picky eater, but at that moment, you felt like your appetite was slowly leaving at each description of the meal you read under a dish name—wait, caviar?

Felix seemed to have caught on to your discomfort, because he spoke up once again. "Hey, do they not interest you? It's fine if you don't find something you want to eat," he says in a reassuring tone, letting you know that you don't have to feel bad. "Do you want to perhaps ditch this place? I know a good pizza place down the road." 

Your jaw immediately dropped at his nonchalant suggestion. Is this just something he does often? Make completely random (and baffling) offers? Well, to be fair, both of his offers to you have been good so far. Some pizza would be nice after everything that had happened today. However, this place is super expensive! That was the whole reason you felt uncomfortable ordering from the menu presented to you at the moment. He went through all the trouble of booking this place just for his first date to hit it off with someone else, so you sure weren't about to let his second date, which was you, let the whole reservation go to waste. Rich or not, you still had the decency to respect the effort that was put into getting a table at this place. 

"Felix, you can't be serious," you spluttered out, feeling a bit disoriented due to the situation. "I'm well aware of how much it costs to even be here, so we can't just leave!"

He only chuckles at your worry, making you widen your eyes even more. "Oh, yeah. I know that too. But to be honest, my date was the one who booked this place, it looks like their money was well spent though," he says, glancing back over at the table where your original date and his were, the two conversing naturally while dining. You purse your lips at the information. Okay, maybe that was a valid point. Plus, you really are craving pizza. 

Facing him, you divert your eyes in embarrassment. "I-I would also like pizza." 

Felix wouldn't say it out loud, but he found you really cute. Even more so right now, with you having that shy look on your face. He felt a strong urge to tease you and see more of that adorable expression, but he held himself back. One wrong move, and he'd end up being an asshole. Was it not normal to feel that way? You two have only met after all. But he felt it earlier—you were quite different than the other dates he's had. 

Despite being a very loving person, he wasn't one to believe in love at first sight. Yet, the moment he saw you standing all confused and flustered earlier, it immediately caught his full attention. It was as if fate wanted to bring you two together—and even though it sounds so cheesy, like something out of a romantic comedy, he found himself thinking that he could get on board with it. It wasn't even an hour since you met, and you were already creeping into his heart. It wasn't too fast, but just the right pace to know that something clicked. The feeling felt weird—who knew a stranger could have this much impact on you? He surely didn't. But maybe that was why he felt it a lot stronger than you did—not that he even knew what you thought of him.

Felix himself knows well that he was not a let-the-date-into-his-car kind of person on the first few dates (and most especially on the first date), but somehow he found himself breaking his own rule for the first time ever since getting a vehicle of his own. Not that he would leave his dates to get home on their own, of course—he would always politely offer to pay for their cab home. The idea of taking a (for the most part) random stranger somewhere in his car when it was just the two of them alone didn't sit right with him. Felix is well aware that he could've been seen as uninterested by some of the dates, but it wasn't like they were entirely wrong. He only went on blind dates anyway, so the chance of meeting someone who actually interested him enough to imagine a dating life was not that high in the first place.

Yet here you were, sitting awkwardly beside him on the passenger's seat. It wasn't like you weren't comfortable—okay, maybe you were a bit uncomfortable; but that was only because getting into the car of a person you just met about an hour or more ago was not something you planned for yourself tonight. Heck, none of this was on your list of expected events tonight. Firstly, you didn't even get to say a single word to the date your mom set you up on, and secondly, you scored yourself a completely different person! All you wanted was to stay in your bed the whole evening and mope like the hermit you are. 

Oh, if only Seungmin could see you right now. 

The rumbling sound of the car made itself present to your ears, effectively taking you out of your thoughts. "Let's go?" Felix asks you—the thoughtful gesture awakening butterflies in your stomach. What in the world is going on with you? This man was literally just doing the simplest things, and yet he already seemed to glow in your eyes. You're not falling, are you? You don't fall easily.

At least that's what you believed.

"Y/N?" He questioned, his voice mixed with a hint of concern. "I hope you're alright with all of this. Are you uncomfortable? Maybe I should've asked before we decided to take my car; I'm sorry—do you want to just walk there?" He panicked, which made you panic at his distress too.

"N-no! It's fine; I'm fine—are you fine?" Great, now you were both bundles of nerves. Felix wanted to kick himself for starting the situation. Where did all his earlier confidence go? That, he didn't know. Either way, he wished for it to come back and help him earn some points from you. You, on the other hand, were almost on the verge of collapsing from stress. "Let's just head there," you squeaked, to which Felix only nodded (a bit too quickly.)

"Sorry," Felix sighs, unable to look at you due to his focus on the road. "This is the first time I'm doing this, so I don't know what to do."

You tilted your head at him in confusion. "You mean a date?" He shook his head.

"Driving a date, I mean."

"Really now?" You exclaimed with interest. "I would've never guessed that! You look like the type of guy a lot of people are interested in. You're quite popular, aren't you?"

He chuckles in amusement at your words. "I don't think I'd use that word to describe me. I only do blind dates anyway. Unfortunately I haven't found my person from those ones," he says, glancing at you for a split second, "but maybe the wait was all worth it."

You couldn't help but huff at his act of flirting, rolling your eyes playfully. He got you there. You didn't think Felix would be this smooth, but seeing as he boldly set up a date with you earlier, maybe this was to be expected. "That was a good one, Mr. Lee." At your response, Felix's eyes shone with excitement. He did that a lot when he was happy, you thought mentally. You had to bite back a laugh at how fast he changed up—though you had to admit that was part of his charm.

It was safe to say that the rest of the date went very well. For such a spontaneous plan, you enjoyed it a lot more than you had thought you would. Plus, you found a new pizza place! You'd have to eat there again soon; everything on the menu seemed really good. Unfortunately, you didn't get to eat at the venue because it was full—something Felix panicked over once again. After a while of negotiating (because he wouldn't let it go), you two ended up having an impromptu picnic at a nearby park, enjoying the quiet surroundings that were dimly lit by the street lights. You had never experienced going on a picnic at night before, so this was going to be on the list of firsts you experienced today with Lee Felix—a guy that you didn't even know until a couple hours ago. 

It's crazy how fast someone can come into your life and already make unforgettable memories. In the short period of your date, the two of you learned a lot about each other. Whether both of you would be able to keep this up and progress or not, this was going to be a night you would remember for years to come. Who knows—maybe it would make an exciting old people tale to tell in the future?

"So hey," Felix starts nervously, stopping the car in front of your apartment complex. He pauses for a short second before exhaling and facing you with a determined gaze. "I'm not quite sure about how you feel, but I really enjoyed this date. Do you think we can go on more?" 

"Sure," you were unable to stop the wide smile from appearing on your face, very satisfied with the chance of a second date. "I'd like that."

"Oh, damn. I'm glad," he quickly relaxes before getting alarmed by something and snapping his head towards you again. "Wait, your parents are fine with you not meeting with that other guy right?"

You chuckled at his apprehensive form, entertained by his precaution. "I'm pretty sure my mom just wants me to find someone nice and go marry them."

"Marry? Hold on, that's for a later date," you felt your cheeks warm at the implication of his words, yet Felix keeps going. "But that's good. I thought there was a chance this was going to end up like some Romeo and Juliet thing where your parents get mad because you're supposed to marry the other guy."

"Felix, relax," you managed to comfort him through stifled laughter. "I'm not some high-status rich person, you know?"

After your short conversation to end the night, you enter the apartment complex with a huge smile pasted on your face. Lee Felix was an amazing guy, that's for sure; you still can't believe he wants a second date. You let out a quiet squeal of happiness, speed-walking towards your apartment to brag to your roommate. 

"Yeah, Romeo and Juliet is so overrated anyway."

mastertag 🏷️ : @h0neydewmoon @starzzns @lhskokoro @bookishcalls | let me know if you want to be added or removed^^

[gamerwoo]

Kino: Goodbye To A World

Characters: Kino x reader (gender neutral) ((if i accidentally used any pronouns im sorry i didn’t edit this im lazy))

Genre/warnings: attack on titan au, angst, reader is ✨dead✨, just a lot of sadness tbh

Word count: 1,052

Summary: Thank you, I’ll say goodbye soon. Though it’s the end of the world, don’t blame yourself now. And if it’s true, I will surround you, and give life to a world that’s our own.

a/n: this was inspired by goodbye to a world by porter robinson!!! and since i just caught up on aot today i decided to make it an aot au hehe (but this would be more around like season 1 or 2 rather than season 4)

Pentagon Song Series Masterlist

Laying in bed, Hyunggu pressed the play button again. He clutched the tape recorder to his chest, staring at the ceiling as tears slid from his eyes and down his temples. He wasn’t sobbing anymore. It was just silent crying now.

“K-Kino...” your voice was soft and you were panting like you were struggling to breath. Hearing the nickname you’d given him since you were in the training corps made his heart flutter and also sink. He’d never hear you say it again -- not outside of this recording, “th-thank you... For...everything...”

Nobody wanted to tell him the shape you were in when they went to look for you and found the tape recording clutched in both hands, keeping it close to your chest. Nobody wanted to tell him, but after so much begging and pleading because he needed to know you weren’t in any pain when you died, Jinho finally broke.

“______ was a fucking mess, okay?!” he had shouted at the younger boy, tears spilling down his face. He stared your best friend dead in the eyes as he had to tell him how he, Hongseok, and Wooseok had found you. “We found them in some dirty alleyway with their legs bitten off! They died a slow, painful death as they lost blood, okay?! Is that what you wanted to hear, Hyunggu?!”

The rest of the squad later reprimanded Jinho for telling him, but he felt better knowing. He was glad he wasn’t lied to, either. He didn’t want to go his life thinking you had died painlessly and fast when you actually suffered. He didn’t know why he felt that way, he just did.

But it also made your last message to him that much sadder. It meant that much more to him. You weren’t out of breath from running to hide from titans. You were out of breath because you were breathing you last ones. You were using your final moments to record a message for him.

“I’ll...have to s-say goodbye soon,” you breathed before inhaling painfully and slowly. You coughed, making Hyunggu sniffle, “but...p-please, Kino...d-don’t blame yourself.”

He hoped that hearing you say that over and over again would help him not place the blame on himself. If only he was there. If only your squad didn’t split up. If only he was placed with you. Maybe he could’ve done something. Maybe it could’ve been instead. Anything to keep you alive.

“I know...--” you stopped to cough, and Hyunggu held the recorded tighter. “I know...shit’s bleak. Though it s-seems like...the end of the...f-fucking world...don’t blame yourself, es-specially...not...n-now.”

As you went into a coughing fit, he cleared his throat and closed his eyes.

“The commander... H-he always... He t-talked about our d-dead comrades w-watching over us,” you continued. “And...i-if it’s true...I will...a-always be w-with you...Kino. I’ll...surround y-you...and make you n-not sad a-any...m-more.”

His jaw clenched as his eyes squeezed shut, a loud sob wanting to escape his throat. But he didn’t want anyone coming to check on him. He wanted to just be alone.

He should’ve told you how he felt when he had the chance. Hell, he should’ve said something when you were in the training corps. But now you were gone, and all he had was this recording; this one-sided conversation.

“Y-you have to...keep...f-fighting...Kino,” you were almost gasping for breath at this point. 

His knuckles were white as he gripped the recorder as if it would somehow bring you back or keep whatever was left of you on this earth with him. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn’t you stay with him? Why was life so cruel? Why? Why? Why?

“Give life...to...a n-new world,” you coughed, “that’s...y-your own... For humanity...for...m-me.”

A soft whimper sounded in his chest.

“I...love you...Kino.”

The button popped back up, signaling the end of the recording. But like always, he pressed it again. He’d already pressed it maybe 100 or more times. He’d been laying in bed so long that he couldn’t keep track of the time anymore.

This time when it played, it was skipping. He wasn’t surprised -- he knew it would break eventually if he kept playing it. 

“Thank you...” your voice said. “I’ll-- say goodbye soon. Though-- it’s-- the end of the-- world...don’t blame yourself-- now.”

It was like the skips were calculated somehow, saying the most important parts of your message. It was cutting out the parts where you stuttered or were panting -- the parts that especially made you sound like you were in pain.

“And-- if it’s true-- i will-- surround you-- and-- give life to a-- world that’s --our own.”

The button popped back up.

Hyunggu pressed it back down.

“Thank you, I’ll say goodbye soon. Though it’s the end of the world, don’t blame yourself now.”

Now, the skipping somehow seemed more smooth. Maybe he was imagining it, just wanting to make himself feel better -- or from listening to it so many times -- but it made you sound less in pain. It was like he was hearing you speak to him from wherever you were now. You sounded...peaceful. It made him happy.

“And if it’s true, I will surround you, and give life to a world that’s our own.”

The button popped back up.

Hyunggu pressed it back down.

Now it sounded static-y. But you still sounded like those were your full sentences and not just skips from a broken tape recorder.

The button popped back up.

Hyunggu pressed it back down.

This time, it sounded fainter. It was more distorted now, too.

The button popped back up.

Hyunggu pressed it back down.

Had he not had the words of your message memorized by heart by now, he wouldn’t even know what you were saying. It was even choppier now, but even more distorted. It didn’t even sound like a person speaking, or like real words.

It got to the second half, and Hyunggu was choking back tears as he tried to hang onto every word he could until the stupid thing broke completely.

“I will surround you--”

The ‘you’ dipped down in tone before playing out a single sound that didn’t stop. After a few seconds, the tone dipped down again before the recording went silent.

The button popped back up.

Hunggu pressed it back down.

Silence.

[gibbearish]

bringing this back bc ive been seeing a post going around lately saying "hey guys its really great that these fundraisers are getting lots of notes on here, but they actually need to reach their goals too. do better." like. dude. please i am begging you for the love of god take one (1) whole entire second to consider the words you are saying and what they might mean. sometimes when people cant afford to donate to something, they share it instead so that others who might have the funds can find it. this is not a new phenomenon. if its getting shared a lot but no donations, like. think. use your brain. try to put together the dots as to why that might be happening on the goddamn broke bitches website rather than just assuming it's because people just. fucking dont know fundraisers want you to donate money to them?????

like. literally look around you. if any of us had spare cash do you think we'd be Like This? there was JUST a whole post going around about "if i won the lottery thered be signs" and every single "sign" was shit like. buying a wheelchair, getting surgery, getting meds, getting doctors appointments, getting a house, fixing leaks, getting a working car, buying the things their friends need to survive, and all of us going "wow what a bleak world we live in that this is all we can hope to aspire to". and while ive never been a fan of "life isnt fair, get used to it (derisive)" type rhetoric, i do believe that the idea it's going for is something to keep in mind in situations like this. life isn't fair. a lot of people don't have the resources they need to survive, and it feels like the only people who care about it are the ones in very similar boats with very similar leaks. we're all doing our best to bail ourselves out, and while im sure we would all fucking LOVE to reach across the ocean and help bail out others, like. that just isnt realistic. if you dont have the resources to keep yourself afloat, how exactly are you supposed to have the extra resources for others as well?

life isn't fair, and while we shouldn't get used to it, we do need to like. be realistic about it and understand when that kind of guilt tripping is warranted. theres a difference between "people with resources choosing not to share them" and "people without resources doing everything they can to help regardless". and while i hesitate to say any one thing deserves shame because thats extremely subjective and i am not the ultimate authority, if i had to pick one of those two things that did, it would be the first, not the second. if people want to help you and are doing everything within their power to do so, shaming them for not doing more is. counterproductive at the very least, and outright manipulative at worst. stop treating people like piggy banks you want to shake every last coin out of and actually consider the perspective of the people youre trying to talk to. life isnt fair. dont make it more unfair by blaming people for things outside of their control. if a palestinian fundraiser fails to reach its goal, that is a tragedy. but it is not a tragedy that it is fair to place on the shoulders of Everyone Here. and i can understand why this redirection of blame happens, the true culprits are so far outside of anyone here's reach that they may as well be non-existent, so in the absence of the ability to personally strangle netanyahu, people have to find an outlet for that rage that seems like it could actually make a difference. people need to feel like the void is listening back, like the punches theyre throwing at it are actually making contact. and when youre in a blind rage, as long as the hit connects, you feel like youre doing something, like youre making a real tangible impact. and you are! just. not necessarily with the one you were aiming for, nor necessarily in a way that is actually conducive to your cause.

every time i see discourse about fundraisers go by on here im just fully struck with the realization that not a single one of you people have either taken a cybersecurity fraud prevention course or bothered to take one singular second to consider the website youre on. this is the broke bitches website. none of us can afford to fund our mutuals' grocery bills, much less entire evacuation funds, and CERTAINLY not FAKE evacuation funds taking advantage of genocide victims. all this shit abt how people are deliberately choosing not to fund every post that passes their dash because they hate palestinians literally just does the work of actual scammers for them by laying the high-pressure sales tactics groundwork, and the "do you guys have any idea how hard it is to keep coming up with new attention-grabbing fundraiser posts?" ones just ring EXTREMELY hollow because YEAH! YEAH I DO! and so does everyone i follow! and everyone they follow! because all of us are FUCKING BROKE and surviving on crumbs! i just saw one that said "i make sure to keep $40 in my wallet at all times so i can give $20 to any panhandlers i see, this is the same" and its like!! good for you, thats very nice, but like!!! you need need NEED to take a step back and realize that /being able to do that/ is a position of privilege, not the default setting to be a good person. i wont discount that some people do ignore fundraisers specifically because of racism because Of Course, but like. a) yelling at them isnt gonna make them stop, or more accurately yelling at /everyone else/ isnt gonna make those people stop, and b) trying to apply that as a blanket motivation for everyone just. realistically doesnt work. not donating is a nonaction, it is the literal default status, and while in specific situations you can use CONSISTENT absence of SPECIFIC actions to track a person's motivations SOMETIMES, broadly speaking that just. doesnt work.

there are 8 billion people on this planet. most of them will never know you exist. of the ones that do, most will not be able to help you. of the ones that can, most will not be on the broke bitches website passing the same communal $20 around. consider your audience and stop shitting on fellow poor people for having the gall to need to be careful with their money. and if you are genuinely only posting your fundraiser to tumblr, like. im sorry, but you need to anticipate not reaching your goal and prepare accordingly. theres a reason the last big scam scandal people talk about actually getting the money is like. all-or-nothing era, as a website none of us have the funds to make that kind of thing happen anymore or the security to risk it. a fundraiser not meeting its goal on here is not a personal sleight against whoever made it, its just how life goes sometimes. and it's unfair and it sucks and we should help however we can, but. sometimes you just arent able to help someone else, and continuing to feel responsible serves only to torture yourself. and blaming OTHERS serves only to move that guilt from yourself off onto another person. i imagine that has to be where a lot of the vitriol comes from, is people who cant afford to donate more getting pissed at people they see as having the funds but choosing not to share them, but again, sometimes you just are not able to achieve the goals you set out towards, through no fault of the specific parties involved.

people on tumblr choosing to buy groceries rather than potentially donate to a scam are not your enemy and are not the ones facilitating a genocide. we're all victims of the same horrific system, the question is just how that system manifests its influence on each of us. poverty kills just as thoroughly as a bomb. everyone is just doing their best to survive, and as much as we like to pretend that everyone should be a perfect selfless angel that puts others before themselves no matter what, humans are by default a selfish species, and it is a lot easier to say what youd do in theory than actually do it. and there's a reason you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person beside you, youre of no help to anyone if youre too dead to do anything.

[anonil88]

Euphoria special part 1: Rue

I'm not ready but here is my reaction and it will be long because this is an hour long. Spoilers ahead

My fucking heart man ugh

Omg why is this like my fanfiction I wrote....ummmmm uh

This is literally like the fanfic I wrote so I know this is all in Rue's head. If yall wanna read that I may link it at the end.

Orrrre it is absolutely the future, which is very possible.

Rue you were literally snorting in the bathroom sweetheart. Even if you are over making Jules the center of your world, you are still doing drugs.

Exactly, sobriety is the issue not everything that you think you have a handle on.

I dont have an opioid addiction, but I have a problem with shopping and food. Its called rationalizing your addiction because you feel good in the moment of it. It will all come crashing down in the end though, this is why its okay to fall off as long as you hop back on. It only feels good in the moment but it does not last. It does not last. Not to be preachy this is just why I don't do mental stimulants.

That's because you are depressed sweetheart. Unfortunately manic depressive and that is not something that goes away.

Ayyy Ali drag her

Secret stash (most addicts have a secret stash if they aren't serious about getting sober)

Being sober is hard. Addiction is also hard.

YESSSSSS THIS SPEECH YES!

Lmfao, relapse happens. Some people relapse and go im just medicating its fine im fine. Then two months later you are in a financial hole or emotionally it clicks and you go oh fuck I've relapsed.

Ayyy Philly Philly.

Can I virtually high five Sam?

Religion helps some people.

I too was angry at God for a year after my mom just died one morning. A normal morning and then it wasn't, the nicest person most people ever met and she was just gone.

This conversation about race, addiction, consumerism, radicalization, and god has me like:

Rue is so fucking high.

I hope people are listening to what Ali is saying because its so true. My family instilled this into me very early on before she died, you don't have to believe in God but you have to believe in something. I was extremely apathetic....funny I wrote family but I meant mom, anyways you have to find a purpose that is infallible.

OMG THATS.....

Ugh Moses i love Moses.

Awww Ali, it is very hard to give that trust back to someone in your family who struggles or struggled with addiction. Even if they are clean.

This is the absolute truth. "Trouble don't last always."

Can we get Rue some black friends in season 2, please.

Girl.....blame....she didn't make you snort then drugs, you made that choice your damn self with a whole secret stash.

She broke your little heart? Cheated? Y'all weren't even in a relationship...Kissing is not a relationship.

THANKYOU ALI.

Rue on the same shit a bunch of y'all were on. "We didn't get tattoos." Sweetheart. "Get me to run away." IT WAS YOUR IDEA.

Somebody smack this child, please.

NO ONE LIED TO YOU. I feel like I'm looking in the mirror because I kid you not, high-school me was this dumb.

Here comes the i feel sick and sorry for myself. (Its hard to get out of because I only got out of it 3 years ago.)

Drugs and mental illness change the way you would normally behave when you are in the right state of mind.

Ali please drag her

I wanna smack Rue I love her but her selfish apathetic unmotivated self makes me want to hurt her and hug her.

YES. THIS.

Getting past this point where Rue is, in my struggle with mental illness and maturity has been a struggle. A struggle that I am still dealing with today, Ali is spitting hard cold facts and truths.

I miss all the many people I grew up with and went to school with who lost their battle with addiction. I miss all the people who have lost their battle with depression.

Aw Rue then you need to try sweetheart, you need to try.

My entire friend group did not plan to make it to 24/25 and we are here so anyone who is in Rue's position, please hold on even of reality is so bleak. Please hold on just for a little longer if you can.

(The scratched glass on the diner window framing the lights is a nice touch)

So happy to see Rue and Ali again. This was good and even though I cannot physically cry, this was a very real conversation and I appreciated it. Especially in the shitshow that has been 2020. Here's to hope 2021 will be better.

Wishing you all good health, light, and happiness.

[soundofseventeen]

Sevenenteen’s Superpowers

Hi everyone! Based on this ask, I thought I’d give my input! Im off to bed bc work tomorrow!!!! ‘Bye everyone!

Seungcheol- forcefield: as Seventeen and Carart’s general leader, I’d assume that his primary issue is to keep everyone safe and that’d be the best way to do so. He’d have a peace of mind knowing that his boys can do what they do as long as he’s protecting them in his bubble, or even just shielding himself from the boys’ antics

Jeonghan- mind control: I chose this one because I feel like it’d suit him best...maybe he needs someone to step away from the edge or the building or maybe he can convince one of the boys to do something he doesn’t feel like doing (in good fun) and he’d learn to make it seem like he didn’t 100% change anyone’s minds

Joshua- element control: this is a power that someone with patience can master because what if someone made a tree grow in the Arctic...thus making headlines? It’s really subtle but effective in the sense that he can essentially make and destroy life. And he can give someone their own personal thundercloud when he feels like it

Junhui- speed: this real life cartoon would find joy in running around at the speed of light and often challenging Chan to see who can get to the shower faster. You’ve heard of the shot heard ‘round the world, and now get ready for Junhui on every corner of the street. However, if anything is slower than he is, he will lose his patience

Soonyoung- body length manipulation: similar to flexibility, he has the ability to grow and shrink as he pleases. He can grow a few centimeters and intimidate anyone but he can also shrink to where he can crawl under his front door and unlock it (if he wants to because he’s a lil shit) 

Wonwoo- shape shifting: whether he’s convincing the bad guys that he’s world’s most dangerous predator or making the street kids squeal in delight, he’s all about turning into whatever the animal calls for...bonus points that he can communicate with the animal kingdom!

Jihoon- power absorption: another simple but effective thing, this particular power comes in handy when they’re outnumbered. All he needs is to touch someone and boom! He’s like them! But when his mischievous side comes out, he’s likely to blame the one he originally stole the power from; his free time is spent designing weapons for the ones who don’t have the physical capability to defend themselves

Seokmin- destruction: I chose this one for him because no one would expect him to have the ability to actually destroy something, but he’d be used as a last resort because the more someone upsets him, the worse the damage and it’s gotten out of hand on several occasions

Mingyu- strength: this boy would take pride knowing that is something is falling on top of them, they’ll rely on him to keep it from smashing them and he can also use it to his advantage when he’s looking for his missing things under his bed or the couch and maybe even under the house in case Soonyoung hid something down there

Minghao- telekinesis: As the only one in Seventeen with a brain cell, he’d use this to his advantage the most. Whether he’s chasing Junhui around with a stapler, or slowly moving a table away from his opponents to eventually throw at them, he enjoys the mental workout just so he doesn’t lose his touch and occasionally making his friends feel like they’re losing their own minds

Seungkwan- illusions: He! Is! Not! Real! You can’t convince me otherwise! Besides that, I feel like he’d be the one who creates the imagery for one of the boys when they have bad days, but he can also deceive his opponents into thinking they’ve won

Hansol- psychometry: Vernon is both someone who has a curious soul and someone who can’t keep his hands to himself so he always has to be touching something just so he understands the layout and how it works and the last time someone used it and it helps with Jihoon improving his machines’ skills. Man oh man  though, beware when he gets his hands no you and he suddenly knows your life story

Chan- teleportation: this lil shit will spend so much time warping between locations, he’d show up just as things looked bleak for his team, but on the bright side, he can always go back to his vacation after he accidentally lands on the bad guy(s) between teleporting. Plus he enjoys the friendly competition with Junhui to see who can get to their destination faster

[veliseraptor]

okay first of all im so glad you're talking about your ex-villain project!! i have been thinking about it for like a really long time & kind of wanted to ask about it but i was too nervous. if you ever publish it i will definitely read it, this is 100% my jam & i would die for all of your ocs. for the ask meme (it was REALLY hard to narrow down so you dont have to answer all if you don't want to) could we have 11, 16, 19, 26, 32, & 35 for all?

Friend, I will always love to talk about this project, it’s exciting and definitely easier than, you know, actually writing it. My OCs would definitely not die for you, I am afraid, except for maybe Yazdan. He might do it under the right circumstances. Nobody else, though. 

Putting this under a cut because it got long…

How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?

Kazem: Oh, Kazem thinks he’s hot stuff. He’s prone to thinking he’s the smartest person in the room, which, unfortunately, he often is - at least in terms of knowledge and cleverness. And he knows this about himself, and is distinctly proud of it. He’s not so great on the common sense front, though. 

Israt: She doesn’t necessarily see herself as intelligent - it’s not a part of her personality self-definition, anyway. She’s smart enough, as far as she’s concerned, but it’s not a defining characteristic, for her.

Yazdan: I’ve talked a little about how he struggles with seeing himself as uneducated, and how he’s very self-conscious about that. He’s smart enough but he doesn’t think of himself as particularly intelligent. 

Jaleh: She’s fought hard for her education, and she thinks of herself as certainly clever, though she’s aware of the holes in her education. But she’s fairly confident in her intelligence just the same. It’s not the thing she values most about herself, though. 

What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

Kazem: Right now? Not much. It’s not like he has a lot of options for gainful employment. Yazdan is basically his sponsor helping keep him alive, though he keeps pushing Kazem to look for something to do, which he isn’t. 

He’s not happy with it. He’s bored, and miserable, but he doesn’t really see a way out of it, either, when most people would hardly want to hire him (and might just want to kill him). Also, feeling sorry for himself is a full time job.

Israt: I referred to this in another ask, but she’s an Outrider who makes her living scouting the borders of the empire - not actively a soldier, but more of a scout and skirmisher. She deals a lot with the reality of the tension along the borders, particularly the western border with the Rome expy.

She likes it, more or less. It keeps her away from her home and family, it requires more work from her body than her brain so she can disengage from thinking too much, it takes her to interesting places, and there’s a certain glamour that lets her pick up most people she wants to. And she appreciates not having to stay in any place very long.

Yazdan: Professional heroism, more or less. Well, technically he’s in the employ of the empress (again, more or less), and there is an element of the spy to what he does, but mostly he puts out brush fires and is a demonstration of power to their neighbors. 

He’s not totally pleased with this situation - it makes him feel a little dirty and used, sometimes. But he also feels like it’s what he needs to be doing, because someone does, and he’s the only person who seems willing to volunteer - especially after his role in Kazem’s fall raised his profile astronomically.

Jaleh: This is another “I could tell you but she’d have to kill you” question.

What were your character’s deepest disillusions? In life? What are they now?

Kazem: Kazem’s older brother was pretty horrifically abusive, his parents did nothing about it, and at a relatively young age Kazem ended up killing him. 

That’s…not the source of all his issues, necessarily, but it did found a lot of disillusionment with people in general, how they behave, and the prospects for people looking after him - it very much developed for him a sense of “I have to take care of myself because no one else is going to do it.” And the drive to accumulate as much power as possible so he’s never that vulnerable again.

Israt: Her sister’s death was a big one. Prior to that, Israt had a fair amount of freedom, or at least decided she did (her family didn’t appreciate it, but she still took it). After that…the world was a lot less safe, a lot less sure, and she had a lot more responsibility and a lot less belief in the fairness and justice of the universe. That’s kind of her breaking point when “minor disaster human” became “major disaster human.” 

Yazdan: This is one where I don’t actually feel like I can answer it because of spoilers, but I can say that he feels like a fraud a lot of the time - in some ways his deepest disillusionment is in himself.

Jaleh: I also can’t say much here because of spoilers, but she had a hard life growing up and doesn’t expect much from other people - much help, much love, much affection. She’s very self-sufficient and her view of the world is pretty bleak. She thinks most people are fundamentally hypocrites who are just out for their own gain.

She’s very “every person for themselves,” which contributes a lot to her ruthlessness.

What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance? 

I have the fancast here for appearance. When it comes to home…Kazem and Israt both don’t have a permanent one, and Jaleh’s is another one that I don’t want to answer in detail. Yazdan is also relatively itinerant, though he does technically have his own home adjacent to the palace. He doesn’t spend a lot of time there, though, as a rule, because he’s kind of uncomfortable with it.

How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

Kazem: By turns either aggressively or with despair. When Kazem is stressed it’s either “take it out on everyone else” or “turn it inward and depression retreat away from the world.” There’s really not much of a middle ground. At least, that’s how it goes when he can’t control the stressful situation - if he can figure out how to white-knuckle control it and turn it to his advantage somehow then that’s fine. 

Israt: Israt prefers to avoid stressful situations overall, though she’s really in the wrong job for it, and she actually is pretty good at crisis management - better than she gives herself credit for. She has a pretty level head when things go to shit around her. It’s when things are fine that she starts running into trouble.

Yazdan: Also tends to handle stress fairly well, because he needs to a lot of the time. It’s also why he spends a lot of time tired, though. (Tired and not showing it.) He is in a nearly constant state of low-key anxiety, though, which is maybe why he can “handle” it - he’s just sort of used to that being a state of being.

Jaleh: Thrives under stress. Adrenaline just gets her mind going, and when other people are buckling she takes a substantial amount of pride in her ability to knuckle down and keep going. Pressure just makes her better at whatever she’s doing. And she’s a little bit of an adrenaline junkie, in her own way. 

Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

Kazem: Poorly. Kazem is a perfectionist, and his ability to “roll with the punches” is roughly nil. He flips out about it every time, and doesn’t cope well with sudden changes in plan. He tends to both blame himself for not doing everything right and also everyone else in the vicinity for getting in the way. He is both the only competent person in the room and also solely responsible for things going wrong. 

Kazem has, as you may have gathered, Issues.

Israt: She doesn’t rationalize errors - she just expects them. And tends to just let them happen and then move on by them while pretending they don’t bother her. It’s not that they don’t bother her, she’s just kind of “well, shit happens, the world is nasty and things go wrong all the time, so…” and keep on moving. 

That’s her solution in most cases. Keep moving - the problems come when you stop.

Yazdan: Also poorly, though a little better than Kazem, and he tends to hold himself solely responsible. He doesn’t collapse in the same way, though - he’s more inclined to double down and try harder, though not always by actually changing course so much as just “well if I did this same thing but better it would have worked.” 

Jaleh: Probably handles them the best of the four of them - though she tends to blame other people for her mistakes a lot. Also has the “I’m the only competent one in the room” thing, but that just means that when things go wrong it’s not her fault. She does adjust course more easily, though, and is more flexible about changing plans or accounting for the unexpected and adapting for it. 

[kingsmanstories]

Trust

Six

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Sister!Reader

Warnings: you know the drill

Tags: @thatlittlered @maiabiovillage @plantyourtrees--watchthemgrow

Fuzzy, distorted stars were the first thing that greeted you as conciousness pulled you out of your deep slumber. Blinking rapidly, your eyes took a while to adjust to the dim hospital lights. Slowly turning your head to the side, your eyes settled on a blurry figure sitting on a chair next to your bed. Your eyes still hadn’t quite adjusted, but you were pretty certain it was one of your brothers - you just couldn’t quite tell which one.

A gruff yet soft voice confirmed your suspicions - Arthur. What you wasn’t expecting, however was a second voice, young and innocent - Finn.

“Arthur,” You croaked, making him turn to you in an instant, pulling him out of his conversation with Finn. He reached for the jug of water and empty glass on the bedside table and quickly filled it, gently supporting your head with his hand as he lifted the glass to your lips, letting to you have a few sips before putting it down again.

“Thank fuck you’re awake, Mabel.” Arthur said, holding one of your hands. “We’ve all been worried sick about ‘ya.” It was true, everyone had been constantly on edge while you were in hospital.

Arthur had been distancing himself from Linda after the incident, not quite forgiving his wife for what she said to his younger sibling. Finn had found it hard while you were unconscious, you having been the mother figure alongside Polly while he was growing up after your mother had passed away. He had accompanied every one of his brothers and sister and aunt to your bedside when they were visiting.

Tommy had become a shell of the man he was before the shooting, blaming solely himself for the entire ordeal. If he hadn’t had let you outside, if he had stopped you, none of this wouldn’t have happened. Once he saw your eyes flutter shut, he thought that was it. He screamed and shouted and cried until the ambulance arrived to take you, ignoring his brothers who were mirroring his actions. You were the closest family he and Charlie had, his best friend and wisest advisor who wasn’t afraid to tell him if he was doing something silly.

Nancy had been in Polly and Ada’s care, at Arrow House while they minded Charlie at the same time. “Is Nancy alright?” You asked, voice still hoarse as your eyes finally began to focus clearly on your older brother. “Is she safe?”

“Ada and Polly are looking after her, don’t you worry.” Arthur nodded, motioning for Finn to pull up the spare chair in the corner to the other side of your bed.

Finn carefully took your other hand, making you smile softly at him before turning back to Arthur. “What about Tom?”

Arthur’s eyes tore away from your gaze and looked down at the ageing floorboards. He had to tell you the truth, you were too good at ratting him out if he was lying. “Not good, Mabel, not good at all. Blames ‘imself for the ‘ole thing. It’s our duty as your older brothers to protect you from this, and he feels like he’s failed you. He’ll be up ‘ere in an hour or so to see you.”

You took in a deep breath, nodding slowly at Arthur. You didn’t expect any different from Thomas, but somehow, it hurt more to hear it was actually true he felt that way. “The only person who’s to blame is the sad bastard who did it.”

“You try telling him that,” Arthur breathed out a laugh as he patted your hand. Clearing his throat, he gestured to Finn and then to some flowers at your beside. “Finn brought these for ya.”

Turning your head to Finn, who’s cheeks were red with embarrassment, you gave him a grateful smile and squeezed his hand. “They’re lovely, thank you Finn.”

With chit chat from both your oldest and youngest brother, the next hour soon flew by and Arthur stood, patting his knees as he did so, Finn following suit. “Right, we best be off,” He let go of your hand and leaned down to press a kiss to your forehead, “We’ll come back tomorrow and see ya.”

Finn gave you a careful hug after he stood, and when he pulled back it broke your heart to see his eyes filled with such worry. “You’ll make sure they behave themselves, won’t you?” You teased, smiling when he nodded with his usual shy smile. “Good boy, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“See you tomorrow, Mabel.” Finn said quietly, before following Arthur out of the bleak hospital room, leaving you to your own thoughts.

Part of you was worried about seeing Tommy, after what Arthur had said, you felt like the guilty one. The dull ache radiating from your wound constantly reminded you why you was here, and you felt as though it was through your own irresponsibility.

Soft knocking at the wooden door wrenched you from your own thoughts, eyes landing on your other older sibling. “Tom-“

“Mabel, listen, I’m-“

“Don’t you dare say you’re fucking sorry, Thomas.”

Tommy hung his head as he silently made his way over to the vacant chair next to your bed where Arthur was sat not too long before. Running a hand over his face, mind working frantically to find words, but there were none.

Lifting his head to look at you, his little sister, tucked up in a hospital bed because of one of his enemies, his heart began to swell with guilt. “It’s my fault you’re in ‘ere.”

“It’s my fault I went off at Linda and then went out for a smoke to calm down, I should’ve shut my mouth. I’m sorry.” You sighed, reaching your hand towards your brother and he quickly took it, gently as if you’d break.

Tommy shook his head and squeezed your hand softly, “I should’ve kept you safe.” He whispered, sighing as he mentally dug around in his brain for something else to say, choosing to leave that subject be for now, that could be a conversation for another day. “Your ‘orse is in the stable now by the way, got Curly looking after ‘er until you’re back on your feet.”

You smiled at that, remembering your brothers thoughtful Christmas present gifted to you only a few days prior. “I can’t wait to see ‘er, I’m sure she’s a beauty.” Trying desperately to ignore the dull pain radiating from your gunshot wound, you sighed. “This Bloody hurts, you know.”

“That’s what usually happens when you’re shot, Mabel.”

“Clever,” you rolled your eyes, yet an amused smile still stayed on your lips at your brothers dry humour. You was happy that he was at least trying to crack a joke with you, yet you know it was still eating him up from the inside what had happened. “Can I ask a question, Tom?”

“Course you can, what’s wrong?” Tommy asked, brows knitting in confusion as be waited for your question.

“Did you find ‘im? The twat who did this?”

Immediately, Tommy nodded and you felt an instant sense of relief. “Arthur and I tracked him immediately after the ambulance took you, he won’t be bothering us anymore.”

“Did you find out who he worked for?”

You saw Tommy’s expression change, and your heart dropped, eyebrows raising as your brother paused. Tommy let go of your hand to reach inside his jacket pocket and retrieve a card and hand it to you. “All of us got one of these the day after you were shot.”

With the help of your brother you sat up, taking the card in your hand and studying it. On the front was a black hand, and you froze. Eyes shooting up to meet your brothers, you gulped before speaking. “This is mafia shit, Tom!”

Tommy nodded, watching as you inspected the front and back carefully before studying the inside of the card, addressed to Tommy. “We’re in the middle of putting things in place to keep us all safe, we don’t know who they are or where their base is.”

“You silly bastard,” You handed the card back to him, not missing the hint of the smile on his lips at the comment you often made when he’d done something particularly stupid - in this case, it was getting the Mafia on your tails. “You can wipe that smile right off your fuckin’ face.”

Tommy held his hands up, trying to remain stoic while you tried to give him a stern talking to, voice croaky and barely audible. As you sighed, lowering your raised finger that was pointed in his direction, he took your hand again, squeezing it reassuringly. “As soon as you’re back to your old self, we’re going to need your ‘elp.”

Smiling at your older brother, you nodded.

“We’re not the Peaky Blinders if we’re not all together, eh?”

[jeongyeonandsunflowers]

She’s not you.

WAY HAY HAY ITS BEEN A HOT MINUTE. SORRY GUYS THAT IM NOT SOMEONE WHOSE POSTS FREQUENTLY BUT LIKE I CAN ONLY TYPE WHEN IM NOT BURDENED WITH ACRYLICS IM SORRY. also this is hella angsty and im not sure what it is but here you go. 

You’re not her. I’m sorry, that’s a terrible thing to say, but I have to tell you. You deserve an explanation for the all the bad things I did to you. 

            I’m sorry but she’s prettier than you, she always has been. she’s like sunflowers on a rainy day, and morning frost as you breathe. Against her, you’re a withered daisy blowing in the wind waiting for someone to pick you out of sympathy. Your cold hands and sweaty feet and no one wants a bar of that.

 She’s also happier than you, you bring me down, you’re so dark and terribly bleak, you’re boring, you’re always depressed and you never have anything positive to tell me, but her. Oh god, she tells me the best stories, she makes me laugh and makes me feel like I’m walking through heaven, she’s the light at the end of the dark damp tunnel that was you.

            It was so hard to fall for you, but with her, it was love at first sight. I’m sorry I did what I did, but you pushed me to it. You made me do it just being yourself. I really thing you should consider that. You need to change before people can actually love you.

            Lucas x

  I’m so glad you’re not him. He doesn’t give up just because I’ve had a bad weekend, he doesn’t scoff and roll his eyes when I tell him that I’m not mentally okay, he didn’t send me straight to therapy as soon as I started saying bad things about myself, he doesn’t pretend to love me just to save me from a mental breakdown, he actually gives a shit about me. He knows how to love whereas you know how to use sex to deceive the absence of love.

I’m glad I’m not her, but I also hope that she knows what she’s signing up for, I hope she knows the emotional turmoil you will inevitably bring her, I hope she never sees the same fate I did when trapped in your beautiful charms. I hope she knows that once you’ve spun your web there’s no turning back.

You broke me and then blamed me for being fragile, you laughed as I picked up the pieces and stomped on the easy parts to make it harder. You killed off any esteem I gained before meeting you, and even now, that I don’t know you at all, you continue to try and ruin me. You bring up all my flaws and act as if I don’t know about them.

He brings up my flaws and tells me that he loves them, he shows me I’m worth the bullshit you told me I put you through, I’ve been shown the dark that is you, but he is the sun, the light, he shows me the brightest version of myself, the version you tried kill.

I hope you know that my heart has been mended and I haven’t thought about up until now. You don’t keep me up at night like I’m sure you wish you did, don’t get contact me again unless you’re willing to admit your wrong doings against me, and tell /her/ that she can call me if you ever pull that bullshit with her as well.

 y/n x

 “what are you doing my love” I heard his voice and suddenly I felt all the stress that resurfaced leave my body.

“just replying to someone’s letter”

“alright bub, well dinners ready when you are”

“thank you Hyuckie”

[themothermary-blog1]

I married a preast that missed his calling

i live in a place called honoly  and i am the dragon  people like to blame me for everything bad that happins insted of seeing reality  peats dragon looks dangerous he cant hide that he is a dragon  but if you read the story he is actually very good to peater and protecting him  see he can fly high above honoly and sees

i tryed to tell people about the true danger but nobody wants to beleave whell the preast missed his calling  he  is not intelegent   otherwise hes got it

he took up a soft natured position

he is not invalved with wemen  (im the only woman he has ever been with ) 

playes him self off as a really nice person  even gives out gifts

he cathlic so he has the child molest ok from his church

placed him self in close prosimity   of a kid

built a close man and  boy  friendship  

He follows the prestly dont list     you know   dont cuss, drink coffie, smoak cigretts, drink , smoak marawana  , do hard drugs

come from a good name cathlic family 

when the accusation was made he took  the kid (evedence with him isolated it from people that might ask the right questions)

he had beleavable coconspearaters   his parents    good family name

now the next part of it is

the witness take anything that the witness might be doing and make it look 10 times worse than it is paint your self as the victom   hopfully the victom has been suffering the cercomstances of the sexual abuse   hopfully  thay have mental problems  are drinking doing drugs   maby permisquous behavyour    the more the better    (in my case it was perfect all those side effects of the sexual impropriety / voyering/ and inapropreat corresin)

now thay the prest has been moved to a new place he is going to paint him self as  a really good person   you know turn it on more then ever before 

if possable turn as meny people aginst the victom as possable using what ever means     

(the child is perfict  a child liking the perpetrator always looks good  expecially if the child was asleep when the inapropreat corressing took place  no actual physical damage was done and the child was not awake so  this is perfict   right    for the child him (the biggest victom who was asleep only knows about  the  close friendship  not the inapropreat corressing)

the coconsperetors the parents in my exes  case cleaned up the evedence of too much closeness    kept the father and son at there house acting as if having to nurse them threnw my horrableness   that by the was only became horrable when i asked for a protection order aginst him for groose sexual propriety            when thay put the father and son in a house togethor it was fixed up real nice   much better than i the mother can offer and the father is a farmer (tax payer)  and the accuser is on social security (a burden on society)   and  set up the father son relationship  in a open diningroom   and drilled peep holes in the bathroom door   and painted him as a loving  dedicated father   and  me as a neglectfull abusive mother that makes up lyes    and  thay kept my child away from me making people think   i was the danger   when he actually is

   the  parish in a prestes case the parish   would put him with children who will swair he hasent touched them so there for he looks good

in my ex husbands case he got in good with the school wouldnt let me have anything to do with it      got in good with the tuter provided by the bureau of developmental disability    then had it moved to a diffent county

 wouldnt let me have anything to  do with it      any mutual friends he made me out to be a pece of shit  to   expecially church people   using my preveous problems from long ago to make it look good   (i dumly admitted to the judge that i had mental problems was self medicating and cheated on my husband)           

he told the cops i was a mental case and on drugs     do you  get it not the cop i talked to in my county       diffrent cops in a diffrent county thay know his good family name

by moving it to another county the childrens services friends i knew werent on the case  the case manager i worked with was no longer on the case   nobody that could reassy help he   could do it in the ajasent county where my son now lived at his   grandparents house

usually a preast picks off a slowlearner kid from a poor family because the chance that thay could afford a real attorney paid to win the case isnt very good

i was on social security   my ex denied me any money for a attorney and knew we were not  to use marital assets  to come up with the money

he had possesion of the child  and wouldnt let me see him and turned the child aginst me saying i didnt love him or want to see him   when i did see the child he had been brainwashed into hating me  and kept saying i wasent getting any of his dads money      saying i was a drug addic alcoholic theaf       crazy 

my child treating me this way caused me to get extreamly depressed   just as in the case with the preast    when the boy acusses him  and he calls the boy a lyer  drug addic crazy    it causes a sereous depression   often times it  forces the victom to give up   only the strongest victoms persist

the next step is the drag it out postponment  after postponment   things getting lost in the mail   it is to where down the victom  in hopes of  them giving up

if the victom holds strong  its pay off time   now thay you have dirtyed the victom name made your self look good real good      your sure you got them totaly depleated  draw up some contract that thay think thay got to stick to  throw them some money to keep theyer mouty shut   paint your self as a good person   with  the preast he declairs i gave him the money because he was obveously desporat  thays why he tryed this   people do go along with it

in my case my ex husband gave me a piddence of our marital assets and told everybody you know she is just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol or give it to her boyfriend.   thay baught it  ya you wouldnt want to give her too much    he let me have the house i came into the marrage with and the biggest part of  all is he  got fool costody at his house with him suppervising it so nobody could talk to my kid or hear what i was saying to him      and he could use my love for the kid as leverage    

how does he use my kid as leverage

me having to go to his house to see my kid makes people beleave continuously  thay there is  something wrong with me

him having my kid   (insestuous petafile has costody of my kid) exaserpates my mental illness

the fact that nobody will listen to me and he paintes him self as godly drives me crazy   so thats what people see

when i act out or try to confrunt him infrunt of my kid thats all my kid sees and he has been fed i did his dad wrong that i was cruel to him  so now my son sees his father as the victom  and actually stands up for him  now do understand what might drive a woman over the edge   my son is defending his sex offender    actually shuving me pulling on me  slaming the door in my face telling me to leave his dad alone or go home   trust me seeing my son do this was making me crazy   to crazy to go to court   ( i was a reck)

on top of it my ex isnt doing much more than stor housing my kid he has put on a bunch of weight and he is failing in school   my ex knows this upsets me    his dad  is letting my son barly function and letting him get away with shit so he looks to my son to be the good in kids eyes parents my exes mom is doing the feeding    deep house cleaning  and everything that has to do with school

what he didnt count of was i knew that the costody papers were not set in stone     i now had money for a attorney  so i set out to prove my self as a mother. i set out to get mentally healthy enought to go to court. inspite of how bad i get treated over there   inspite of how good of a picture he has painted for him self      

 oh   i do agree he has painted with my broken selfs help a pretty bleak picture of me  to our intyre community      oh even better then the bleak pichure of me  is the steller picture he has painted of him self.

i went with hope and we went to court the other day and i was the luckeyest woman in the world he thought he didnt need a attorney and costody was set in stone he belaved i couldnt change anything and he had me broken down too much to try   he almost won   the deciding factor was my son   inspite of my ex husbands best efforts and the best efforts of his family thay did not compleatly turn my son aginst me    

the visatation where horrable i mean horrable at first my son wouldnt even look at me he would tell me to leave    there was no sense in me even trying to improve visatation as long as he hated me   but i kept going no matter how bad his dad trated me how often he called me crazy how often he made fun of me and made my son laugh  i kept at my visatation 3 days a week 2 ohers apece  for 21/2 years over that time i brought activitys and built a better relationship than my son and i had before this nightmear got started   my son has a better relationship with me than most boys do with there mother  who kinda treats kids like furniture

my ex husband on the other hand has gotten laxed and stopped paying so close attension stop going out of his way to paint me so dirty  he figured he had me i was stuck if i wanted to see my kid he was going to controol it my son was growing up fast and i started explaining mental illness and drugs and alcohol use being self medicating     i also got rid of my boyfriend explaining that my son was more important  i even showed him the photograph of where my boyfriend who also had a mental illness had been beating me up  and i didnt want him to see the bruses   i also explained  the fact that i didnt have a phone to call him that cell phones dont work where i live (thay dont work at his house eathor)    i explained that i had to ask his dad if i could see him and his dad wouldnt answer the phone or return my calls at the neighbors  thay  if i tryed to see him with out permision i would get arested    i could have got in trouble the cupple times i did     he remembered how upset i was  and said is thay why you were crying  i said yes   i was sceard of getting arested   but i had to see you and you were so diffrent so cold twards me     the one time you had lost your teeth and nobody told me   i was so sad   and so mad    and your dad   was glad    i looked what is called disheveled   you could not see the true cause was not me    i appologized for my mental illness and even gave him permission to yell  at me for him getting hurt   and  my beautifull son told me sometimes he gets upset and makes mistakes i said thats because you are my son and for us that is normal       the funny thing about this is my son as he mitures not only acts more like me but looks more like me with every passing day    its weird when he lift my house he was skinny and publickly meekey like his father  and throwing fits with me

now he is kinda tough  divorce does that to you he has grown up quite a bit and  i could see he was ready for court  i had made our relation strong enough   he is so much like me      god do i love this  kid   his father is a avid lyer i mean he lyes about his own behavyour wont admity to anything and my son sees it        All i told my son was to tell the judge about our visatation  about how often you see your mommy and how does she treat you          i also told him to tell the truth about what goes on between mommy and daddy   does mommy being upset interfear with our visatations he said yes  do you think if mommy wasent around daddy that she could talk to him   he smartly agreed the problem was me being around his daddy interfeard with our visatations he agreed that there was only one solution to move them    

now the other problem was his daddy and his family made him sceard of me and my house    (no fear what so ever when this whole thing got started my son was shaving my friends head  when i locked his father out of the house     hind sight is 20/20  i never thought my ex would pull this shit on me  i should have had my kid at a relitives the night i locked him out this would have went so diffrently     but  thats how it goes with hindsighting

So i found a mutual friend that was mine before his        that it just so happined that my sons tuter was her grandaughter and she had been doing the tutering at  my friends house    the tutering had been switched so now it was nolonger a conflict of intrest with me not being permited school information      my friends house was now open     he had been allowing my son to be there  so there for he approved it  and my son was comfortable      perfect         no excuses          now  to show my ex is a control freek    

my attorney said hes sure of him self right he thinks this is set in stone i said yes  he said  he is all about money     i said yes      he said he wont want to pay a retainer fee  he takes this as a joak    he aske me is everythig your telling me   the truth  are you sure of your self   i said  absolutely  yes ive never been so sure of my self in my life      i said i am sure of my relationship with my son even though he has been hitting me thats all because of his daddy  i dont think it would happen anywhere elts   i want he him self to talk to the judge i have nothing to hide  i told my son just tell the truth     my son looked  releaved    sereously releaved      

my son and the judge had a long conversation in the judges chambers and he must have painted a good picture of what was going on over there 

my ex husband  was non too pleased with me when my truthfull discription  of my visatations came out    i discribed it from the start as humiliating   and that it was exaserpating my mental illness and causing other health problems do to the stress    and  i was compleatly telling the truth   so it was quite easy for me 

my ex husband on the other hand  did not come prepaired for the truth  that did come out this time    i didnt even bring up our marrage only the conditions of my visatation    and how i felt it was bed for all our mental and physical health   that the fighting in our marrage still persist and it is still causing all of us stress  expecially my son who has been put in the middle of all this by his fathers insistance on suppervising my visatations on his isolated farm

my ex husband showed his dislike for me saying basickly why cant i just show up shut up see the kid leave him alone and leave   thay he didnt see why i couldnt take my punshment  like a worthless pece of shit

that he was being reasonable    that he lets me see him dont he 

  that he didnt see why i needed to try to change things that i shouldnt be alloud to   that he shouldnt have to be doing this

he was clentching and opening his fist  and hand poinging it at the judge in a matter of fact way 

he got fureous that the court proceding went ahead and there was a temporary change of visatation to my and his friends house  that he finally agreed to     trying to look reasonable      boy  was his mom pissed when infrunt of his mother and my sons money broker i was   talking to my attorney    i could hear his mother behind me  calling me a lyer i said how would she know she aint at my visatation  i was showing my attorney my medical records showing my lung deaease   heart desease  and diet controled diabeties he had talked to my mental health worker so he knew the stress i was under   this was a hook line and sinker    and my beautifull son did wonderfully 

the visatation are moved  and that was my goal  not my having possesion him not having so much control over me being able to see my son freely in an inviroment that we are boath comfortable in    and his father is not in

my son talking to the judge showed he was not some feble minded child

and he could discribe our good relationship

once my ex hurd theat thay would be moved he was defeated wanting to just close it    upset that i would get time on weekends and christmass and that he would have to bring him and leave that we were not inconviencing our friend more then we have to

god was i so relieved it was fresh air washed over me it must be what it feels like when sombody really bights off saved    the rest is gona be kinda the find deatails to me   its the begining to the end of his terroney over my son and my relationship   and over my much damaged   reputation

But dont breath a sigh of releaf yet   no  he hasent given in what i wasent expecting was the relationship that he had built up with our frinds familhy whail i was dealing with my depression  and because there grandaughter was doing the tutering at her grandparints    hose   i kinda wasent allowd to go down there    it was a conflict of intrest i was not alloud to be around my son with out his father present    he had compleatly incorporated him self in this family unbenonsed to me       

it was so evedent my first visatation when i showed up and he was buddy buddying with my girlfriends husband  and  had given  him a bag full of his hamberger (hes a beef farmer)    he also helped carrie groshries in  how buddy buddy nice of him   i found out later this was just the latest of meny meat gifts          he had been invited to weddings and  holladays   ect    the truth was a little hard on me but im tough    at the end of my visatatin i was rekindling my relationship with my girlfriend when her husband abruptly put a end to it     i said he was right he wouldnt want our friendship to get started again that as far as he was conserned they were to be on Brians side that i brought this on my self     my friend dian is trying to remain newtrial  bless her actully carring about the kid heart

well i dont bribe people      i will stick to her husbands rules 

i did leave a cupple of messages at my ex husbands about him giving them meat being a conflict of intrest   and it discrediting a witness on his part  and that i have reported it to my attorney and that if he didnt want the visatations move to a visatation center he sould probly quit with the meat gifts  it would look bad if he got a town ship trustee discredited for bribery to dirty talk a woman for her ex husband in a costody battle   that it wouldnt be because of jeff it would be because of him and jeff would never be ellected township trustee     again  

why because he might favor one citizen in his town ship over another posably clearing roads of debree such as snow and fallen trees    all the citisen has to do is slip him some ground meat   what you will do for one person you will do for another     whats your price brothe.................r     anybody  who has been around blake people knows what that meanes  and   Brian  brother goes boath ways

Jeff my best advice   if   he comes     Brothering     say dont brother me i aint for sale  and aint nothing free    get me     Brothe---------r 

i cant help but to feel sorry for jeff  he doesent know what brothering someone is     my ex husband  did a sofer white version of it   but any black man can tell you about it see     it a hidden polocy aginst whitey even if the nigger done wrong trust me

he pulled what we call in cleveland  we call it a     way back see/ you know me     we grew up togethor  i was the good kid teachers pet and shit or we were best buddys    or  our familys go way  back   you know you can trust me

warning   people change   you might want to check with the person who spent the most time with them 

somone who stood nothing to gain from his happyness  zwicks that discredits you  you need brian     and  my  son to farm it 

someone who he needed to be nice to   fogles that discredits you  

every man around here does have something to fear if there wife files for divorce that all look like angle compair to me  state of ohio with a attorney thats   50/50.

Bill parks   he gives you a lot of business discredited

don bashaw   hes been working on you  playing steller father  he painted your  relationship as   having stated with him    it had nothing to do with him untill he moved over there    (pay attension)

principle caldwell   he sided wiht you about passing bransten  to give you a space in the class room    and   you like farmers for some reason and your also religous     i also left you a cupple drunk upset phonecalls  my sons poor grades shows i was right  about holding  him back   im  shure you aint none to  happy about that

brians old  attorney    your opinion baught with money

judge noe   its the toughest for you    and    i cant   say i blame you   what judge wants to admit to having allowed  a miscarage of justice   thankyou for atleast getting my visatation moved

i truly do hope i am wrong   and that this is truly my mental illness getting the best of me      

if  its not      he   has done  all the the damage he    can   do    to me  and my family   and know i know better then      to    trust  him         the rest of you on the other hand  totaly trust  him    easy   targets

i have really   thaught   about  this  he    has   exagerated about me to cover his dirty before       so    for my   own  benifit   i  will  always  have  a third party with me and my  kid    a   real   church  going person       i think  with  my sons  permision    i will video tape my visitations   i  am  his mother i have never been told i cant          

see   when i was  at  my  ex husbands   it would have been illgle videotaping in his home  i found that out the hard way      i half to check with my attorney   if   my   ex   doesent want that kind of security you would have to question why    he  wouldnt want   the world to see   a  good or bad relationship between my son and me        i know im not perfect but i aint  too worried    and i like constructive critism    sometimes you cant see what  others can see plainly       

i know i have never done anything that would justify my son not being able to see me          infact   i  state our    relationship problems plainly   and the biggest one  was  being  around his  father   on  his farm   sorounded by his family   in the  middle  of  nowhere      where  his father   could treat me any  way   he wanted to        and   didnt   think   i   could   do    anything about  it          and    his     minions    are   dependent   on   him    maintaining the kindome so   thay    worship    him    like   a  god    thay saw   what    he    did   to me

welcome  to    North Corea      or     cuba     or     irack       this is dictatership  american style      and    you   better behave in there country  you better not videotape anything  your  camara will  be   distroyed   yep it happened      and    the hinchmen    did   threten me  his name  was  donnie  holding my son    hostage    and  thretened  to kill me   if  i came   near  my  kid       trying to take him     out     of       there    third world country    thank god my son could speak  english   and  said   he  was ok and   that   i    he    wasent  sick    and   had  actually   played   hookey from knoledge  of   the outside   world   that   day   the   school  system  over there aint much better   the    principle  is under  direct  orders  of  the dictator that he  is not to devolge andy information to me   as  a   matter of fact  it appears   meny  people  have  been   give these  same  orders  

i was not  permitted to  talk   to my son   with  out   the tyrent present   good hevens    what are  you people  hiding    im pretty  open  about things     are  you    building   bombs       gassing  and  burning  people praticing some kind of cult type shit      yes  in  a   matter of   speaking i guyess   and bransten is  the   last   emperer   of   comenest     china  thay kept that kid  away  from  his  mother two

boy when  the  resheme  fell  did  that man go threw  hell  trying to fit in to normal  society        atleast  when  the kid  was in it he was filthy rich my kids      kingdom is  full of   cow  shit       and  trust me   the future prince will have to bight  off  slave first see there are still two  kings  before him and a  jellous  lazy uncle    jeff    ( i mean   scar)   

He  did  have  a education     tuter

   now   he  has  a  tuter   that  takes him   among  the commoners

there  is  some one in on the religon she  is of  the same religon put practiced it   in     a   first  world   country    and    she   is   all   about technology  and  very  worldly   but now  bighting it  off   secretly in the thired world  country      if   it     all   comes  togethor

the little emperer will be a democrat  in  a  domocracy and be the smartest damn   leader there  can  be

making  the best use   of

time the man seldomly leaves the farm and he has buit in family guards,    property,   mashenery, money,  workable people,   good name   good credit, no fellonies, pree existant displaced farmer,   religous affiliation ,         es bult in furtilizer cows.

brian its as simple as this it is a business   it has  nothing  to do   with religon    hes not smoaking it  the goverment gave him the licence and responsability   of  growing it    because your family has proven to bight of responsibility   stop  selling meat under the table  thats tax ebatement  dont give your product away  not even samples that is seen as buying favors.        Janet i hope you been exelent with the farm  books   the government will be a stickler about details every plant must be accounted for  the goverment knows its a gold mine  like  alcohol   thay  will have more controol over it in ohio   most property in ohio is clamed and maintained    we donot have  mountanis regons each state is in charge of  there own     eventually  the feds will get there hands in  it   federal income taxes   the other states are getting whail the getting is good.   you already lost out on medical        well  his dad  already screw that one up for him all i can hope for my son is his father     grows a brain   and  goes for a leagal licence   thay wont be handing them out like candy  the gov aint crazy  thay can  regulate  it   right into there  pocket.

   grow   the best  idea in centurys

weed       

shut up its not    me    its    just   Good   business see 

i would  have to  get it like the rest of the tax payers  in a  store because i wouldnt risk my kids father  loosing  his  weed licence  eventually grandfathered  to  my kid.

its  grows  a lot  like  tomatos  get rid of the garbage at the bottom  it biggest ememy is a aphids  the more natural you go the better and there are  pluck it and sit and snip jobs that any retarded or old person can do  any old person can do    it is deffonetly a all hands in business ive seen it in action   and  trust me  its not the animals you worrie about  its the humans     no   fruit    the  flower is  the gold   and thay are  not usually close to  the ground   and  the  leaves are bitter.   i dont think coons or deer  like it   you can get them  partially grow thay take root deep and sprawlley  like corn  can tolerate a  mild  flood 

wash off aphids  with soapy water 

well its your farm and none of my business

i couldnt help my self  im a business major and took vocational hortulculture in highschool  i got stright A    was president of my F.F.A in a broak school  system   growing weed and selling it to the locals is how our teachers kept our green house open when the school system declared it a dying industry   eventually  cheeper weed became avalable    the green house evenutally closed    kinda sad i know     its  a appartment building and the tenents  use it  as  a smoaing  area now  

[freedom]

wowowowowow i have been having a terrible time. like damn I feel validated

THIS POST IS CATHARSIS AND LONG AND TRIGGERING read if you want but it’s just my own thoughts you’ve been warned

Following should be under a readmore apologies if not:

rereading northernsparrow’s a winters tale fic where like the whole point is feeling bad for cas and realising that actually. I do relate to some of it. and just like how it’s not cas’ fault the situation he’s in it’s not my fault. and how dean feels sorry he let cas down the ppl who let me down should feel sorry too

like??? my emotions are not my fault it’s not me feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic or anything. I can’t actually help what I feel

like damn i actually have been actively wanting to kill myself and stab myself and really have gotten quite frighteningly close to actually stabbing myself. like legitimately been standing in the kitchen and been so so full of just sadness and hopelessness that I’ve just felt this pull to the knife and a pull to press it against my stomach. and have done it and just stood there just crying with the knife pressed against my stomach or have taken the knife and gone to shove it into my brain but stopped short over and over again. it would not have taken too much more for me to actually just do it.

like my urge to self harm is not me. It’s not attention seeking. It’s sadness and it’s desperation and it’s my brain screaming out for help basically. I’m not choosing this. It had been getting so bad that my thoughts just turn by themselves to this urge to rip my teeth out or to stab my neck or hit my head against the wall. or strangle myself. or to jump out of the window. or slice my palm open. but yknow what I NEVER do it. that doesn’t mean I don’t get it. it actually means im fucking strong

and it is bc I’ve just felt so alone. which is actually!!!!!!! Not my fault!!!! yes there’s things I could’ve done to have more friends blah blah blah but actually??? I deserve to have a family who loves me and appreciates me. I deserve to have friends who don’t leave me. I deserve to have the same shit most other people have bc I am a good person and I am trying my best. dear god I’m trying. but realising this is part of the journey right

I actually genuinely am so fucking strong to have survived. to have gotten so close to suicide that ive known and felt the exact moment I would’ve reached over and shot myself in the head if I had a gun. to have experienced that twice over. to have kept on going every day, working through the solitude and the self blame and the heartbreak at being unloved. at losing everything i thought I was gonna have. the bleakness of my future. not having any reason to keep on being here

and to still have been able to be a positive influence through that? to help my friends. to be there for them. to care about them. to listen to them. to try my best and to hold everything in for so long bc I was scared they’d leave me if I let them know? like other people who were NOT true friends have done before?

my god. if I was reading a story of my own life. I wouldn’t blame myself and of course I would feel sorry.

I never even realised how much stuff I was still blaming myself for just as a basis of knowledge. But no!!!!! i do my best. i work fucking HARD. and I’m NOT a bad person. I never FUCKING was despite what my parents led me to believe. I have always been a good person and I have always tried my best and I’m not gonna fucking let anyone tell me otherwise anymore or treat me like shit.

I’m ALLOWED to be angry. I’m ALLOWED to not be perfect. I’m ALLOWED to want attention. I’m ALLOWED to want better. I’m allowed to think these things and it’s not fucking selfish

God. God. God.

I am angry! I am actually angry! I’m allowed to be angry! I’m so fucking angry!!! How dare people treat me how they have my whole life??? How dare they??? How dare my parents have a kid then completely fucking neglect them? How dare they create a ‘family’ only to leave it shrivelled up and dead. How dare I be left to raise my FUCKING self. Like learning to wash myself. Learning to buy clothes. Learning to deal with my emotions. Learning to DRESS MYSELF goddamn. How dare they act like that’s normal. And how dare my ‘friends’ abandon me the second i needed them most? How dare my family reduce their interest in me to my grades and my looks rather than who I actually AM. How dare they not bother to get to know me.

I deserve just as much as everyone else !!!!!!!!!! Fuck them all!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: no I’m not fucking done actually!!!! do you know how fucking heartbreaking it is to reach the end of ur fucking tether enough to tell your brother that you’re suicidal and for him to talk to u about it then but then NEVER check up on you again or ask you how you are or tell you that hm??? Maybe??? Oh he doesn’t want you to,??? To even REPLY to messages?????? To completely BREAK DOWN sobbing in front of your ‘family’ for everyone to see bc you’re so tired and sad you’ve reached beyond the point of caring abt bottling it up that you’re just so fucking heartbroken that they don’t really care about you and to basically not even get a reaction. god fucking damn it. i WILL do better than them. i fucking will. i will make good circumstances out of my existence despite their fucking neglect