#and im not Talking to anyone. because i dont want to ruin anyones holidays. and every time I see a person in this household i just start

[whorrorbvby]

an update:

hey friends a lot of people have been asking where ive been on other socials and im sorry for being m.i.a and ignoring everyone’s worries. im not getting into it right now and i dont know if i want to talk about the details publicly. 

i deleted tumblr from my phone about two and a half weeks ago and ive had a friend keeping a queue going on main for me. it might be that way permanently now i don’t know. I don’t know that I want to come back to tumblr if im being honest. a lot of things happened and i just can’t handle seeing certain people anymore so i’ve been hanging out on two of the more safer socials where tumblr people people generally leave me alone. not that im upset with you any of you or anything it’s more of a personal relationship and it just turned me off of basically everything and i just can’t handle a lot right now.  

i didn’t want to stop posting my own content for obvious reasons but i really can’t bring myself to come back it’s too hard and my heart can’t handle it right now. i also haven’t taken any new photos or anything and as of right now i don’t really feel super comfortable in sharing my body in that way. situations have made me feel disgusting as a person and i can’t look at myself. im trying to post more on ig to boost myself back up but i don’t know my self image is kind of ruined now. plus i’ve lost 15lbs from stress and inability to eat because of it and with how many people already harass and bully me for how scrawny i am i don’t want to subject myself in my current mental state to even the possibility of anyone saying anything. 

but like i said i have a friend running main for me and i might have them run this account too and my pepper page just because i do want to go back to making content i just dont know if i can handle posting or being in certain spaces right now. 

on top of what im currently dealing with in my personal life this is just a really hard time for me in general because of the holiday season and close to the anniversary of my best friends death so i tend to shut down a little anyway it’s just my entire world came crashing down again and im honestly starting to give up on even existing. i know im being melodramatic and i need to suck it up and just go back to status quo it’s just really hard this time and i cant force myself into a positive headspace like i used to even for a second. i have honestly never felt this empty and i barely know who i am or what my worth is anymore. 

i dont know if i’ll turn my asks back on. my friend offered to answer anything for me but its better for my mental health if i dont because i know people will ask questions and i dont trust myself to not completely go off on a tangent. im sorry i know im rambling but i feel like a proper update with zero room for misunderstanding is needed and i dont want to sugarcoat or lie to any of you to make myself seem or feel better cuz i respect the hell out of you guys and you deserve honesty if for nothing else. and i appreciate so fucking much you all continuing to support me and hype me up through all the bullshit life keeps throwing at me. 

im mostly on ig and threads right now and on threads im talking about games and movies with new people im meeting and it’s been really helping through shit. if you follow me on snap you saw me say im thinking about deleting everything. my accounts are still up and as long as my friend still wants to help me out i’ll at least have a queue running on main but i’ve deleted every social app other than ig and threads. i wholeheartedly planned on deleting snap last night but it’s the only way some of you get any updates from me so for now i wont delete it but i might make a new one instead just to get away from situations that are bringing me down. we’ll see. if I make a new snap i’ll post it everywhere n put it in my bios. that being said i don’t have a private/nsfw snap and i wont make one im sorry. i still wont sell content outside of what i post on peppers and i wont do customs im sorry. maybe in the future but right now i need to focus on myself and getting out of this headspace before i do anything else. 

but truly thank you for sticking with me and just genuinely being the best crew around. i promise to try my best to get out of this mess of a headspace im in as quickly as possible and im really sorry for basically abandoning everything again but i really am hopeful for the future and just trying to focus on myself and my happiness at the moment 🙏🏻🧡

[batsinurbelfrey]

.

[babymorte]

okay i dont like talking about my issues in detail on here but i need advice and am asking everyone because the anxiety is eating me alive.

so im not exactly on good terms with my mom and we haven’t spoken for nearly 2yrs now. my stepdads birthday is saturday and i have no issues with him and like bro has his issues but generally we get along really well. what’s going on between my mom and me isn’t really his business and he doesn’t involve himself. he still tries to talk to me and everything i just leave him on delivered cuz the anxiety of talking to him and potentially having to talk to or about my mom sends me spiralling.

my family is SUPER big on holidays and birthdays so not wishing someone a hbd is like telling a catholic god isn’t real to these people. so i wanna message him but i know if i do it’ll cause a shit load of problems for me.

so my questions is: would it be a dick move to ask my grandmother to wish him a hbd on my behalf or do i just not message him at all? like I haven’t spoken to him through all this either so i don’t wanna message him and him give one of his snarky ass replies at to why i haven’t called my mom cuz it might actually break me. it’s literally been eating away at me all week and ive barely slept because of it. i shouldn’t let it bother me as much as it does but i can’t help it. i just don’t want anyone being angry with me but i also don’t want summer slaughter to be ruined because my family decides to rip me apart for something so bullshit.

i don’t know it’s just destroying me inside and im tired of being sad about shit that doesn’t fucking matter

[qasian-tech-support]

Christmas always kinda bums me out, but this year it’s really hitting me hard...

[chestnogovorya]

Nothing is like going home for your vacation and being like "mmm yes indeed that is why I have left this household" an hour in

[exols-silver-christmas]

look Im not sending this from my main because I dont want your little followers attacking me but PLEASE stop begging me to join this year, i have 0 interest and I think youre ruining the fun we had in past years. not to mention I checked out your signup sheet and Im not even a Chen bias person but the way you singled him out is weird as shit. so get the fuck out of my inbox and leave me alone thanks! I sincerely hope your little project flops.

Well. Clearly you have some strong feelings that needed to be expressed. I would apologize for being a fun-ruiner, but I fail to see what I've done that could have already tainted your enjoyment of an event that hasn't even officially started yet. Unless of course you mean my general existence…in which case by all means take it up with the universe, though personally it hasn't done me much good, maybe you'll have better luck. 

I also won't apologize for the courtesy asks I have been slowly sending out to last year's participants as I'm confused as to how sending what amounts to a form letter could be construed as begging. At best you would have received two. One as I am going through and reblogging last year's gifts, and a possible second one if I recognized the blog name and wasn't sure if I sent one already. Better safe than sorry in my opinion, but from your words not everyone will see it that way.

I will however apologize over the Jongdae issue. You are currently the second person to have mentioned it, so please allow me to use your ask as a way to address my thought process on it to you and to anyone else who is concerned about it. 

As I stated to the other tumblr user who inquired after the caveat added to Jongdae under the choose your bias question: I have seen many fic writers state their intentions to no longer write for Jongdae due to his marital status. I added that disclaimer so that on the off chance someone does want shipping fic for Jongdae, they aren't unnecessarily getting their hopes up and so those santas who aren't comfortable portraying him in certain lights don't feel unnecessarily pressured. This also applies to other types of content creators who's works may take a shippy bent.

While I am sure there are still creators who will create for Jongdae in any capacity, I don't carry the knowledge of what every member of our fandom is comfortable with. Again, my thought process was it was better to be safe than sorry. 

I'm aware the chances of every single participant actually talking to their giftee is low. Life does get in the way at times and to think everyone will be capable of interacting with each other is sheer foolishness. Which is why one of the questions is for a prompt that santas can request from me if they need to. Personally speaking I'd rather not be put into the position of having to ask someone to do something they may be uncomfortable with. 

If you or anyone reading this would like to discuss this further, I'm only an ask away. May your holiday season be a happy one. 

[morizoras-cave]

Purple Patches

Benedict Cumberbatch x Teen!Co-Star!Reader, Tom Holland x Teen!Co-star!Reader

Genre: Angst, fluffy ending

Description: Filming the newest Dr. Strange movie (in which Tom would also appear), you grow quite close with the two leads, Tom and Benedict. But you’re hiding something alarming from them. Four months in the entire crew get a week off to see their families for Christmas, and when you return Tom and Benedict can’t help but feel troubled, as your body is rippled with purple patches.

Warnings: CHILD ABUSE, physical abuse, broken family, alcoholism, depression, anxiety??

A/N: I had another imagine written but im ngl its kind of.. weird? its unconventional for sure. and its definitely bad. so, maybe ill rewrite someday or something? ALSO SORRY IF YOU DONT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, JUST IMAGINE YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF EVIL CHRISTIAN STEP DAD WHO FORCES IT INTO YOUR FAMILY

The taxi you sat in drove slowly in the New York traffic, as snow fell outside, coating the entire city in blinding white. You couldn’t enjoy it however. Your entire body hurt, and yet you still couldn’t find even a moment to worry about your health. All you could think about was them.

Tom and Benedict. Your sweetest coworkers, and at this point your closest.. anything. Family, friends? Who cares, you had no one else. You’d gone back for the holidays like everyone else, even though you wished you could have just stayed at in your trailer. Your dad, like any other time you saw him, had used this time to pour his anger and alcoholism out on you. Your body which had finally begun to heal, was now back to square one, covered in cuts and bruises. 

You knew what would happen if anyone found out. You’d be taken from your family. But in truth, although you hated being around him, you wanted to wait for your dad. You wanted to wait for him to get over his alcoholism, you wanted him to get better, and then he’d treat you better. 

But they would find out. You were covered in bruises and purple patches. Your face was fine, except for your neck, but the rest of your body was ruined. Ugly. You could hide most of it, but it hurt. Even just sitting there, in the soft and plush taxi seat, you body was aching and wailing like a police siren. 

And what if they noticed you foundation-covered hands? Or the movie required you to wear something more revealing? 

“You okay?” the deep voice of your taxi driver ripped you from your thoughts. A single tear had slid down your face. You cleared your throat and nodded, wiping the tear from your cheek. 

You arrived at the set, and an impossible knot had been tied in your stomach. Nervousness tingled in your heart and your legs, but you got up anyway, trying to calm your breath. The moment you stood up, you winced and stopped. 

You managed to roll your luggage to your trailer, biting your lip continuously in order to keep yourself from screaming. You threw it on the floor of your trailer, whimpering and doubling over in pain. 

“Y/n!” a rapid knock on your door, interrupted you. It was Tom’s voice. You took a shaky breath, closing your eyes, and then opening the door. Tom stood there in your doorway like a smiling idiot. Your lips widened into a smile just from seeing him.

“Y/n!” he repeated stepping inside and wrapping his arms around you in a hug. You bit your lip again, hiding your pain-wrenched face in his chest, before hugging him back. He placed his head on yours sweetly. “I missed you!” he gushed. 

You hit his chest playfully, “I missed you too,” you frowned for a moment and looked away. Tom���s eyebrows furrowed.

“Are you okay?” You simply nodded. Tom stared at you for a moment and then shook his head. “Anyway, um, Benedict asked me to tell you that he’s invited both of us youngsters out for dinner tonight. Just as one last ‘fuck you!’ to work, before officially start back up tomorrow.”

“That does sound like something he would do,” you agreed and Tom laughed, punching your shoulder playfully. You yelped loudly, retreating quickly from him. 

“Woah,” he exclaimed, holding his hands up, “Are you okay? What happened to your shoulder?” 

“I fell,” you said. Nervousness jabbed at your ribs. You’d barely talked to Tom for a minute and he’d already asked if you were okay twice. He seemed to buy your explanation, and apologized for accidentally hitting your sore shoulder, to which you nodded absently. 

Tom was silent for a couple of heartbeats. He studied you. You were not usually like this. Or maybe you had been a little like this those four months ago, when you first started filming. He didn’t understand what caused you to be that way, so distant and unhappy. 

“Hey, anyway, I’m gonna go, I’m trying to actually read the script this time,” he joked, and you laughed because you knew it was a hopeless task. 

“Have fun,” you mumbled, and as soon he left, you body slid down against the wall, and your facade crumbled, tears leaving your eyes.

___________________________

Before the dinner, you took three pain killers. Then, you waited restlessly, hoping that the pills might kick in. They did but your body felt strange and buzzy. You ignored it, a blossoming hope forming in your chest that you might be able to conceal your pain in the pills and the clothing. 

Benedict came knocking on your door around 7, a smile on his face. “Y/n!” he said, and you both hugged. A small smile had formed on your lips, when you actually managed to deal with the ache, now much weaker than previously.

You both then walked to Tom’s trailer, and then the three of you walked to a restaurant, not too far from your filming location.

“So, what have you two been up to in our little break?” Benedict asked once you all sat down, having ordered already. You glanced at Tom, hoping that he’d start. 

“Me and my brothers went back home to our mum and dad. Had a pretty regular Christmas. I gave the best gifts. I got some pretty cool socks,” Tom joked around. You and Benedict stifled a laugh. Then both Ben and Tom looked at you, and you realized it was your turn to tell them about what you’d been up to. 

“Oh, well, I.. I spent Christmas with my parents. My grandparents and cousins also came,” you were lying through your teeth. You avoided their eyes, sipping your soda. 

“Got any presents?” Benedict asked and you cursed at yourself internally for forgetting such a simple part of Christmas. And for making things awkward. 

“I got some clothes, some books. Pretty standard stuff,” you forced a smile, “What about you, Benadryl?”

Benedict rolled his eyes at your comment, making you and Tom fist-bump one another, giggling quietly as he told you about his own Christmas. The night was going alright, except for that rough start. Mostly you avoided any talk of your family, and you could feel yourself getting better, the further the conversation got from your family. Until-

“Y/n, what’s that on your hand?” 

Instinctively, you pulled your hand to your lap, straightening yourself up and gulping. You looked down, pretending to inspect it and then looked up. 

“It’s, uh, it’s dirt. Wow, I should really go wash my hands, haha-” Tom grabbed your hand from under the table, pulling it towards him. Your foundation was wearing off, a large purple patch stemming from your wrist and snaking up your hand revealing itself. 

You couldn’t breathe. Both Tom and Ben just stared at it. You tried to pull back but Tom was much stronger than you. Tears blurred your vision. 

“Y/n, what is this?” Tom whispered, and you felt his fingers rubbing the bruise gently. The tears finally fell, and now both men were looking at you. Benedict looked serious. It was an expression you’d never really seen on his features before, at least not outside of your acting. 

“I-I fell..” you mumbled, but you knew it was useless. 

“Y/n.. Who did this?” Benedict’s voice was low, gently setting a hand on your shoulder. You flinched. 

“I don’t know.. I don’t..” 

“Y/n!” Tom’s voice was raised. You immediately jumped away from them both, putting your arms in front of you in fear. Several people turned to look at you three. Shaking, you lowered your hands, and saw Tom and Ben staring at you worriedly. Tom had tears in his eyes. 

“Let’s talk about this back at the studio, okay?” Benedict, now afraid to touch you, spoke slowly and comfortingly. You nodded and then two men got up, standing on either side of you, grabbing one of your hands each. 

“Was it your dad?” Tom growled as you walked in the night, moon rising in the sky. 

“Yes..” you whispered, so low you wondered if they heard it, but they did. They both exchanged glances. Tom was furious. Benedict was too, but he was collected. Tom itched to ask you more and help you, console you right there on the street, but Benedict sent him a warning look not to. 

You walked back to the studio in silence. The three of you entered your trailer and you quietly wished you had predicted something like this would happen, because the bottle of strong pain killers was still out and open on your kitchen table. 

Benedict spotted them immediately and grabbed them. His eyes narrowed as he read the bottle description. Then he looked at you and then it again. Tom watched helplessly, holding your shoulders gently. 

“How many more are there? Bruises.” Ben was clearly angry. He was losing his cool, hands shaking as he grabbed your hand to pull up your sleeve. You tried to move his hand away, but he slid the sleeve up to your elbow and just stared at the blue, yellow and purple that littered your arm. Tom was frozen beside you. 

Ben slid up your other sleeve, breathing speeding up as he saw more, and then he tugged at the collar of your turtleneck, exposing the jarring and ugly sight of a red handprint. He pulled away suddenly, walking away from you. 

“Fuck!” he yelled, hitting the wall of the trailer. He hung his head low. You jumped and turned around, but Tom simply embraced you, and then sat you both down on the floor. You hid your face in his neck, sobbing again. Tom’s hands slowly rubbed your back. 

“Okay..” said Benedict after a while. You could hear that he’d calmed down. Ben angrily wiped a few tears from his face, turning to you and Tom on the floor. Tom was simply frowning now. He never wanted to let you go. He never wanted any harm to come to you. 

“I’m gonna call the police and get your dad arrested,” he said, and you heard his footsteps, as he wondered what to do next. 

“No!” you exclaimed, scrambling to your feet away from Tom. Both men looked at you in confusion. “No! You can’t do that, he’s- he’s just trying to get better. If I wait a little longer, he’s going to get better.” 

“Y/n..” Benedict whispered sadly and you ran to him hoping to stop him. “You can’t wait for him. You’re putting yourself in danger..” you shook your head, but Ben grabbed your shoulders and looked into your eyes, “he’s a grown man, Y/n. He doesn’t deserve pity or patience. Not after doing this. Nothing excuses this. Nothing.” 

You swallowed the lump in your throat, lip quivering, but still you nodded. 

“Can your mother take care of you?” Ben asked, piercing blue eyes still staring into your soul. There was no point in lying anymore, you knew. 

“No.” 

“Alright, then you’ll stay with me.” Ben declared, “You’ll stay with me until we can find someone from your family who can take care of you.” You looked up at him with shining eyes. Despite the uncomfortable situation you found yourself in, a genuine smile broke out on your face. 

You hugged him, thanking him breathlessly. Ben and Tom made eye contact, and smiled gently at each other. Tom had cried silently at your interaction. The thought that someone would hurt someone he loved so dearly shattered his heart completely. 

“Now,” Benedict said finally, “we need to drive you to the hospital.” 

You agreed and while Tom drove, Ben was in the backseat on the phone with the police department. You just watched the beautiful neon lights shining in the pitch black night, snow illuminating the ground. People still littered the streets. 

You knew it now. Your father didn’t deserve your waiting, and though it would take very long to finally live with and truly understand, it was worth it to start the fight. You truly owed it to the two jerks you worked with. What would you even do with out them?

[prongssmrrcury]

a very bleak christmas

wolfstar fic /// one shot

word count ( 6.2k ITS LONG SORRY)

fluff, not much smut

this turned out awfully long IM SORRY😭 having that said i hope you enjoy <33 ily mwahh

"you ready wormy?" james said, shutting his trunk and looking at his bed and around the dormitory to make sure hasnt forgotten anything. he looked over at the shorter boy with sandy coloured hair who was bending down apparently trying to get something he dropped from under the bed, but struggling a great deal. he nervously shot his head up giving james a weak smile and said "yes, im ready, i just dropped something here im not sure what-"

"just tell moony to fetch it for you while we're away" james said and peter just agreed and left the dormitory trailing after james with his trunk, shutting the door on his way. the gryffindor common room was emptier than usual, but the fireplace was lit with a couple of people huddling around it to shield themselves from the ruthless cold of december. despite this however, peoples spirits were as light as ever as almost everyone was departing for two weeks to spend christmas with their families, even lily evans stopped rolling her eyes every time james breathed, and started spending more time with him and ( to james' great delight) enjoying his company. speaking of lily, she was standing by the fireplace with her hair up in a ponytail with a furry winter cap on her head. james noticed her at once and made his way down the flight of stairs and tapped her shoulder softly, she turned around and gave him a warm smile, a short hug followed.

"happy holidays james!" she smiled so widely it watered james' eye. she called him james, not potter.

"happy holidays" he managed to respond, taken aback by the sudden affection she just showed him. she looked around furrowing her brows slightly then spoke, "wheres your trunk? have you not packed?"

"oh no i have! i left my trunk with peter to um, you know, come and say hi" he said the second part of the sentence quietly, she let out a soft laugh, god he just wanted to kiss her so bad. "wheres yours?" he asked quickly. she turned around slightly to show him her trunk which was standing behind her, tapping it twice.

"alright then, lets go down to breakfast, minnie wouldnt want us to be late" he told her, taking her hand and leading her out of the common room with him. he looked back at peter who was struggling with his own trunk and james' but peter just shot him a thumbs up as if he got everything under control.

"alright wormy, dont be late" he muttered. the pair of them walked down from the gryffindor tower to the entrance hall and right to the great hall where elaborate christmas decorations were encapsulating the place, giving the entire castle a more homey vibe. the four house tables were emptier than usual, james and lily made their way to the gryffindor table where they were met by a handsome boy with long hair that he managed to scruff in a very messy pony tail, and a taller boy sitting across him who seemed to find his buttering his toast to be a very intriguing activity. lily and james took seats next to them.

"morning" sirius spoke, looking at lily then at james.

"morning sirius, how are you" lily replied, who also began buttering her toast. sirius didnt respond right away, instead he eyed her then finally spoke, "oh im, im very good" it didnt really seem like it, sirius didnt seem to be in his loud, arrogant and flirtatious mood today, instead a rather dull and quiet one. lily looked at james silently trying to understand what had caused the sudden change in sirius behavior, she was met a mere shrug from james. the four of them sat in silence for the next ten minutes, no one breaking silence that seemed to have swallowed them. remus then looked up for the first time and sighed loudly, which made sirius look very attentively at him, waiting for him to say anything.

"im gonna go, im in the dorm if you want me pads. enjoy your holidays james, you too lily" he said lowly, also clearly in a dull mood in contrast to everyones mood right now. he got up and left, shooting them a weak smile before disappearing out of the great hall.

sirius watched him so closely even when he had gotten out of sight. it was common knowledge that the pair are in love and clearly fancied each other, almost everyone in school knew that. maybe its because of sirius' shameless attitude, cuddling with remus in the common room, sitting on his lap in the middle of the great hall, or pushing remus against a wall and just stand in front of him doing god knows what. the only problem was... neither sirius nor remus knew they liked each other. they obviously knew they had a different relationship than anyone else but they were so oblivious to the fact that theyre in love that it sometimes made james just want to scream it in their face.

"you okay pads?" james said mockingly, sirius had been staring at where remus left for at least ten minutes completely transfixed, he came back to his senses at once and looking abruptly between james and lily then back at his doughnut, fiddling with it slightly. he then shot james an alarmed look and said, "dont call me that james". he spoke so firmly, he knew james knew this is what remus calls him. no one was really allowed to use that nickname with him, even he and james who had a light hearted friendship that was basically based on jokes and pranks, sirius pronounced the words looking into james' eyes, which made james know he was being one hundred percent serious. james didnt respond, feeling a rush of guilt in his stomach, he just took a bite of his oatmeal.

"how are things with you two" james asked. sirius once again didnt respond right away but instead took time to ponder his answer.

"what do you mean how are things"

"you know, have you guys had a row or anything?" james asked, stuffing more oatmeal in his mouth.

"oh- um yea no. not really no" sirius hesitated a bit. the truth is that remus and him didnt have a row, but today was one of these occasions where sirius woke up finding himself on remus' bed not knowing how or why. it had happened a couple of times before and when it did, remus would immediately smile warmly at sirius and pamper him with kisses here and there on his cheek and his jaw. however, today, remus woke up a bit more shaky to the fact that he was in the same bed as sirius. he straightened his pyjamas quickly giving sirius an awkward smile and leaving without a word.

james dropped his oatmeal and looked at sirius looking serious for the first time, giving him a smile that carried something between sympathy and support.

"are you ever going to tell him?"

"tell him what" sirius said bluntly

james smirked. even lily suppressed a knowing look. sirius rolled his eyes.

"you guys are not onto that bullshit the whole school talks about right?" he asked cringing slightly.

"if the bullshit includes you and remus being blindly in love then yes" james gave a small laugh.

"literally blindly" lily mumbled, but sirius heard her and gave her a look.

"guys- hes my best mate"

"doing a lot of canoodling with your 'best mate' ?" james smirked rolling his eyes.

"first of all, what the fuck is canoodling james, this isnt the eighteenth century" he ppinted out the weird choice of wording.

"whatever, point is, people dont sleep on their 'best mates' chests every day padfoot" sirius opened his mouth to protest but james cut him again "just save your breath will you. im trying to help"

sirius sighed heavily burying his head in his hands and shaking it.

"i dont fucking know what to do prongs. fuck ugh i hate this so much why cant it be simpler" sirius' voice got weaker.

"mate just talk to him, remus cant read your mind. and its pretty obvious the feelings mutual" james tried to convince him.

"i dont know if hes into- you know, into me" sirius tried to explain. sirius had come out to the entire school three years ago so it was common knowledge that was gay.

"oh he is" lily said

sirius blinked.

"i mean, i spend a lot of time with him in our prefects meetings and in the library and stuff" she explained. sirius blinked again.

"i mean" she began again, "he talks about you an awful lot and seems to be quite fond of you" she smiled.

"look, you'll never know if you dont ask" james said again. "look at me, i had to ask lily out at least fifteen times-"

"james what the fuck this isnt the same, why are you even comparing it" sirius interrupted

"oh of course its not the same, but communication is key, no matter what the relationship is"

"yea and when i ask him out and he just says i misunderstood all his soft affectionate gestures, then stops hanging out with me because im gay and he would know i have feelings for him, that clearly arent mutual. i'll just ruin everything, and i'll lose probably the only person that likes me in this lousy world" sirius spilled, laughing bitterly.

"sirius! you know remus would never stop hanging out with you because of that, you know it!" james said, his voice getting a bit louder.

"yea but it'd be a sticky situation when your gay friend has feelings for you" sirius said, his eyes filled with tears that he wiped right away hoping james and lily didnt see that.

"sirius.." lily said lowly

"lily can you please check up on peter and help him if needs any assistance" james told her firmly, she didnt need telling twice, knowing he wanted to be left alone with sirius. she made her way out of the great hall until she was out of sight, then james look at sirius again who had his head buried in his hands once again.

"sirius i dont know whats gotten into you today, but you know damn well that neither moony or i would ever think of you any differently because you're gay. stop saying that as if its something that hinders you" this was one of the rare occasions where james was serious and firm. he wanted sirius to know meant every word that left his mouth. at this moment he heard a sniff followed by a weak sob.

"james, i sometimes wish i wanst- wasnt, you know, gay" he managed to say between sobs. james' face fell suddenly.

"no dont say that. please dont say that, you know we love you the way you are and we dont give two damns if you're gay or not" james got up and made his way across the table to sit next to sirius rather than in front of him.

"you're me best mate, i dont like seeing you like this. i love you a lot sirius and nothing your little overthinking brain comes up with could change that" he said, pulling sirius into a hug, so hard that he mightve broken a few ribs. he wasnt gonna let go before sirius does, he could stay here all day until sirius was ready to let go. he heard strong sniffs and felt his chest going up and down. sirius broke the hug after a few minutes, looking a lot more content than he had a few minutes before. james gave him his usual cheeky smile.

"your fucking snout sirius" james laughed, picking up a handkerchief trying to clean his shoulder.

"fuck off" sirius managed to laugh, sniffing again.

"thank you" sirius said quietly

"come off it, dont thank me" james smiled at him. he watched him grab a cigarette and right when he was about to light it with the tip of his wand james stopped him hesitantly. james never really liked to mother him about smoking or give him lectures about the effects smoking had, but he noticed sirius was eating less and smoking more the past couple of days. sirius shot a "what-do-you-want" look to which james responded, "um, can you please just eat something before you smoke" james said. he knew this was a touchy subject, he never liked to mention it but they were alone and he knows he's the only one sirius would listen to. sirius gave him a hesitant look, before stuffing the cigarette back in his pocket.

"just for you prongs" he rolled his eyes, taking a bite of his doughnut. james however was filled with so much joy seeing his best friend do that just for him.

"what are you smiling so much at you prat" sirius said between bites. james shook his head softly before saying, "im very proud of you sirius, i hope you know that" sirius smiled and laughed dismissively at that statement, james knew it touched him but sirius never really knew how to respond to affectionate words.

"you're very sappy you know that" sirius laughed slightly.

"whatever" james felt his cheeks go red. "anyway i have to get going before i get minnie mad on christmas" he said, getting up, swinging his backpack on his back leaving the hall.

"tell moony i say merry christmas" james called, leaving the great hall also disappearing out of sight.

~

later that night, james and lily departed home to spend the upcoming weeks with their families to celebrate christmas, so did most of the school. as homey and welcoming as the school felt, everyone loved going back to their family, everyone except sirius. sirius was never fond of his family, he never had a good relationship with them and all they did was make him more miserable, he would take any chance to be away from them. sirius was sat in the library that was emptier than usual (but the ceiling was enchanted to fake snow) he was sitting with two giant books opened in front of him, yellowed by age. he looked over at the books, he hadnt read a single word despite being here for nearly an hour. he came here in an attempt to distract himself from the intensifying amount of nerves and stress, however, he was so lost in his thoughts that not even that gigantic book can save him from his exhausting overthinking. he sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulder, shutting the books that made a loud thud and put them back in their place. sirius swung his backpack on his back and left the library making his way to the gryffindor tower. he just wanted to sleep. yes, sleep, thats what he needed. he went through the fat lady's portrait and climbed up the stairs to his dormitory, finding remus sitting on his four poster bed completely engulfed by a book. remus shot his eyes up the second he heard sirius walking in and gave him a wordless smile, going back to his book. sirius' stomach did a funny lurch.

"i was starting to think youve forgotten your way around the castle" remus said, flipping the page of his book, still reading it. sirius looked at him nervously, not sure what he meant by that.

"what?" sirius asked, he was going to take his shirt off and get in his pyjamas but stopped abruptly. he didnt wanna make remus uncomfortable around him, especially after what happened this morning. they always had a very intimate relationship though, changing in front of each other was never a problem. remus suppressed a chuckle which made sirius look at him, unsure what he found comical in this very intense atmosphere.

"you can take your shirt off if you want sirius" remus said, still poured into his book.

"how can you even see me?" sirius couldnt stop himself. remus looked up from his book and gave him a is-that-even-a-question look. sirius slipped his undone tie, unbuttoning his buttons his fingers shaking horribly for a reason he didn't understand. he knew remus was looking in his book (not that he didnt want remus looking) but he still felt like all the worlds eyes are on him. a couple of awfully long minutes passed and sirius finally was in his pyjama and got into his bed under his blanket and stared absentmindedly into the wall. remus flipped the page once again, he hadnt read a word on the previous page. how could he? he was so preoccupied by sirius changing in front of him. remus did freak out when he found himself on the same bed as sirius this morning. he doesnt know why he freaked out the way he did, its not like its the first time. he knew that this had made sirius extremely self conscious the whole day, he was wearing a very dull look. he had to make up for his unexplainable actions, he cant stand seeing sirius this upset, especially if he was the reason hes feeling like that. he couldnt stand seeing him in such a bad mood on breakfast this morning that he had to dismiss himself early. but sirius' loss of his loud flirtatious attitude was what stirred the pot for remus. he didnt walk in the dorm and try to slip in bed with remus, or get a kiss from him, or remotely try draw any attention to hismelf from remus rather than that book in his hand, which was as un-sirius as one can get.

"why were you late?" remus asked sirius, knowing hes not asleep. sirius mumbled something inaudible from his bed that remus didnt catch onto. remus furrowed his brows slightly. he shut his book and put it on the bed side table, the sound he made when he shut his book made sirius shift in his bed to face remus who was staring back at him.

"where were you?" remus asked

"in the library" sirius said simply, avoiding any sarcasm or any joking around. remus face wore a surprised expression.

"oh- by your own will?" he said with a breathy laugh.

"yea" sirius replied

"what were you reading?" said remus, sounding excited. sirius didnt exactly know why he wad being interrogated by remus about his absence.

"um, i was just doing homework"

"oh, thats actually nice pads" remus smiled. sirius' stomach did another flip at the nickname. god this was so awkward and tense, sirius thought.

"sirius are you mad at me?" remus said, going straight to the point. every muscle in sirius' body went tense and completely still.

"no" sirius said bluntly.

"sure?"

"yea"

"okay. great then. um do you wanna come lay here with me?" remus offered, this was quiet foreign for remus as it was never him who initiated anything sexual or intimate. but he was willing to go out of his comfort zone for sirius. just for sirius.

"uh- sorry moony im really tired" it pained sirius to say these words, if he was being honest, he wanted nothing more than to lay in remus' chest right now and give him soft pecks and kiss his stupid plump lips.

"oh, okay" remus said lowly. "okay then" sirius wasnt sure what he meant by that tone, and before sirius has any other second to think about it, he felt his bed dip slightly and remus climbing on him, placing himself on top of sirius with his legs wide opened around his waist. sirius felt like all the oxygen in the world had escaped his lungs.

"tired, you said you are pads? want a little massage?" remus cooed softly. he leaned down on sirius' chest undoing his pyjama buttons revealing his tattooed chest.

"remus-" sirius tried to stop him. sirius promised himself he wasnt going to do anything like that with remus because he doesnt want to make him uncomfortable or possibly hate him more, however, this is different. its remus thats initiating it. it remus that did it.

"what pads?" remus continued cooing softly, completely stripping sirius of his shirt and attaching his lips on sirius' neck. at this exact moment, sirius moaned louder than he intended. he shifted slightly in his bed and put his hand through remus' hair. remus continued nibbling sirius' neck. he bit and licked at all the right spots, leaving a soft trail of kisses all over his neck and made his way up to his chin and on his lips, where he left a soft peck. sirius however pulled remus' head back towards him to kiss him properly, remus licked sirius' bottom lip which made sirius moan approvingly into the kiss. remus slipped his tongue in sirius' mouth and deepened the kiss, he felt sirius' hand wandering around his shoulder and slipped in his shirt to touch his bare skin.

"god this is so" remus moaned breaking the kiss only to attach his lips on his once again.

"remus-" sirius stopped him abruptly. remus looked down on sirius, his eyes mobing fast between his godly features, furrowing his brows slightly not understanding why sirius stopped him. did he make him uncomfortable? was sirius really not in the mood and remus overstepped a boundry? remus felt a horrible tingling feeling in his stomach as his brain raced between all the possibilities.

"remus im sorry- i cant do this" sirius said, as soon as the words left his mouth he felt horrible, reading the shocked and bewildered expression on remus face, he looked very hurt and unsure of himself.

"oh- fuck okay im sorry" remus said quickly, getting off sirius and leaving his bed, but sirius held his arm to immobilize him and not make him leave. they stared at each other for a few seconds that felt painfully long. both of them felt confused, upset with themselves and unsure of what to do or say next.

"can you please stay" sirius said quietly avoiding remus' eye. remus didnt respond which made sirius feel a horrible pit of nerves in his stomach.

"i- i don't understand. you just asked me to stop and told me you cant do this" remus spoke lowly with a soft rasp in his voice. sirius buried his head in his hand, he was on the brink of tears, he honestly didnt know what or how to explain his confusion to remus. how could he explain it or put it in cohesive words when he himself didn't understand.

"sirius please talk to me" remus said softly, holding sirius' hand

"rem i dont know how-"

"do you trust me?" remus cut him off.

"what- yes of course" sirius said sternly.

"then please tell me how you feel"

"how i feel about what?" sirius asked

"about doing this" remus tried to explain, sirius knew at once he was referring to all the sexual stuff they do.

"remus i love it. i enjoy it a lot, i sometimes just want the day to end only to get in bed with you. i- i dont know how to word my feelings because it's honestly just all a mess inside me" sirius spilled. this was the most he'd spoken all day. remus smiled at the last sentence. "what about you?" sirius asked, feeling the same horrible pit of nerves in his stomach increase. remus however smiled.

"i do things for you pads that id never do to anyone" he said, smiling more. he leaned closer to sirius' face and brushing a few strands of his hair out of his face. "but, if you feel unsure about this, we can stop and just be friends. i'd completely understand"

"no what the fuck moony" sirius said before he could stop himself, remus looked in his eyes. "no im unsure about your feelings to me, not about my feelings to you" he tried to explain.

"you think i dont like you?" remus asked quickly.

"well not exactly but im not sure how you feel towards me". at this, remus leaned down to kiss sirius lips a soft and tender kiss. he took his time to savor every bit of his mouth he could.

"maybe this would give you a good idea about how i feel about you" he smiled at him. "we're both exhausted, its best if we just go to sleep"

"right okay. can you sleep with me?" sirius asked, remus gave a breathy laugh at his sweet request.

"yes darling i can" he said with his usual rasp apparent, getting under the blanket and spooning sirius playing with his hair for the the next foreseeable hours until both of them were sleeping.

soft sun rays illuminated through the window of the gryffindor tower and on the entire hogwarts grounds. the translucent curtains that were in the dormitory were not doing any shielding from the sun rays whatsoever. it fell gently on the two boys that were sleeping together, tangled together, their bodies almost intertwining so perfectly with each other as if they were jigsaw pieces. sirius' head was on remus' chest, remus hugging sirius' body towards him and their legs just tangled. they looked so peaceful, their chests raising and going down every couple of seconds, it was all so perfect that one could confidently bet that even their heartbeats were in sync.

an owl came knocking its beak on the window above the bed theyre on, breaking the gentle yet majestically peaceful the state they were in. sirius shifted slightly in his sleep, opening his eyes to find uninvited sunlight penetrating right through his eyeballs. the owl made another knock on the window trying to grab their attention.

"fine okay" sirius said rasply, he got up sitting upright opening the window for that stupid owl that interrupted his sleep. the owl had two parcels tied on its leg. sirius untied them and the owl flew out at once.

"whos that from?" a raspy voice spoke he immediately knew it was remus.

"um, i think its" he turned the parcel around to see if there was any name, he smiled when he saw the senders name.

"yep, its from prongs" he said looking at remus who also smiled warmly.

"well, we'll open it later, lets just get up quickly now before we miss breakfast" he said, sitting up right and sliding his legs out of the bed. the two boys changed into their normal clothes. remus got into a hand knitted sweater and pants, sirius also got into a baggy sweatshirt and sloppily tied his hair up.

"pads is that mine?" remus smiled looking at the sweater sirius was wearing.

"maybe" sirius replied with a cheeky tone.

"course it is" remus rolled his eyes. "you literally have the biggest closet out of all of us, yet youre never wearing your shit" sirius gave him a weird look.

"not that i mind it darling" remus said softly, playing with sirius' hair slightly. they both left the dormitory and walked down to the common room with the intention to leave to the great hall, however they were met by a small table that was put in front of the fireplace with breakfast food laying on it. they looked at each other exchanging weird looks.

"there was no point of making you leave the common room only to go down and eat when its only you too in the whole school" professor mcgonagall's voice spoke. she was sitting on an armchair wearing her usual green dressing gown. "well anyway, im going down to have breakfast with the rest of the teachers. you two have a merry christmas" she smiled slightly and left the common room.

remus and sirius were just left there standing stupidly in front of the food table.

"well, i guess we're not leaving. sit down lets eat im starving" sirius said sitting himself down and starting to eat toast. they both ate until they were full and just laid on their armchairs to take their breath.

"wanna open the parcel prongs sent?" remus asked after ten minutes of silence.

"uhh sure" sirius said, getting the parcels, handing remus one box and he opened the other one. he tore the wrapping and opened it, a smile breaking on his face.

"he got me a wand polishing set. oh and look, he got me some hair bands" remus laughed a little. sirius put the hair bands in his wrist.

"what are you laughing at, i love it" sirius smiled "what did he get you?"

"he got me part six of 'crows or crowns'. its my favorite book and he knows i couldn't find that volume anywhere" remus' face wore a very big smile from that present. "oh and look! he got me a vest, it's beautiful"

"i'll be wearing that" sirius said at once

"of course darling you can wear it whenever"

"remus open my gift!" sirius said with so much excitement, remus held the huge box wondering what he has inside. he stared at sirius before opening it, unsure of what will meet him when he opens it. his suspicion grew larger when he was met by a cheeky smiling sirius.

"its not gonna blow up in my face right?" remus laughed a little

"only one way to find out" sirius shrugged

"oh god" remus joked. he opened the box and the first thing he saw was a big box inside labeled 'book polishing kit' remus' face fell with shock.

"sirius! sirius is this a book polishing kit? oh my god" he was gasping. sirius felt his cheeks burn by the fond expression on remus' face.

"holy shit pads where did you get this, these are so rare and expensive" he held it close to his face examining it with so much excitement.

"shhh its a gift" sirius was kind of embarrassed fora reason he doesnt know. "theres more stuff"

remus looked inside the box and laughed out loudly when he saw at least a doesnt bars of chocolate.

"what are you laughing at! this is the muggle chocolate you told me you like" sirius said flustered a little.

"yes yes i love it" remus smiled. "thank you"

sirius shrugged, not knowing what to say in situations like this.

"um, right open my gift" remus said looking nervous. remus' gift was something a little different and not very expected, he spent a lot of time thinking whether its a good idea or not. hes so nervous for sirius to see it, he felt his stomach lurch so badly he might vomit. he handed sirius an a4 piece of parchment that was folded into quarters. sirius gave him a confused yet excited look.

"are you giving me your transfiguration homework as a christmas gift moony" he joked.

"oh shut up and open it" every fibre in remus' body was screaming in anticipation and nerves. sirius unfolded the paper and read:

"dear sirius,

i am writing this in the dormitory for the fifteenth time at least. i thought so much about this and decided that its perfect. six years ago when i laid eyes on you for the first time, you had this aura that carried so much charm, something about your stupid gorgeous personality was so seductive and made me in complete lust for you. there aren't enough words in the english language to explain how you make me feel, nothing will come close to describing how i feel when you slip in bed with me every night, when i play with your hair, when i hear your heartbeats, when i hold your hand and stroke it with my thumb, when you kiss my scars, when you sit next to me in class sit there looking pretty doing nothing. i came to the conclusion that every little thing you do has me in utter awe. no one has ever made me feel like that, for a long time i was so confused as to why and how you could do that so effortlessly. i was confused about how i felt about you for so long, i was so confused about myself, and you helped me come to terms with who i am, by being so unapologetically you. at the end of a hard day you're always there to cheer me up, even in my darkest days, when nothing felt like it'll be okay ever again, you're always fucking here to change that. the number of times you've saved my life sirius, i couldnt tell you, by just merely being here. i figured that no matter what happens and no matter where life takes me, i want to always be with you. i never want to see that day i have to depart you, i dont ever see it coming because not even the strongest force from the gods above will make me leave you. im in love with you. im so fucking in love you idiot. im in love with the way you talk, the way you tie your hair, the way you dress, the way your eyes crease when you smile, your bark like laugh, your stupid jokes that i find funny unironically, your chirped nail polish... just in love with you. so sirius, this is me asking, do you want to be my boyfriend?"

sirius read the letters at least three times to make sure he wasnt missing anything, to make sure he was reading it correctly. was remus asking him out? was remus actually in love with him? none of this felt real. sirius felt like he's seeing stars in his vision, like he was going to pass out any second right now. he looked up at remus who was staring attentively on him and watching his every reaction. he met eyes with him and felt like all the worlds oxygen was being drained.

"so?" remus asked, his voice quivering.

"so?" he repeated as if this was a incredulous thing so say, " fuck yes i wanna be your boyfriend" sirius threw himself on remus on his armchair and splattered him with kissed everywhere he could reach.

"i never thought id be the lucky person to actually end up dating you" sirius breathed

"please, im the lucky one here" remus rolled his eyes.

"i mean hell yeah you are" sirius said sarcastically.

the pair of them spent the rest of the day sitting on the armchair cuddled up with the heat of each other, sharing soft intimate touches every now and then. they spent the whole day in peace and delicacy and made the most out of each other’s company. soon enough before they knew it, the holidays were over and students were returning to hogwarts for their second term.

“hi remus! hey sirius, good holiday? how are you two?” james showered them with questions enthusiastically when they saw him come in the gryffindor common room, he seemed to be in a cheerful mood.

“yea, great holiday” remus mumbled finding himself an armchair and sitting in it. the rest followed and sat on armchairs around him but sirius sat on his lap which remus scooted over a little to make space for him. james and lily looked at each other rolling their eyes playfully but happy that theyre on good terms, unlike the last time they saw them.

“what about you two? and you wormy? how was ur holiday” remus asked calmly, playing with sirius’ hair absentmindedly.

“great we had a great a time, i invited lily and wormy over, wormy couldnt make it though. but lily and i had fun, my parents liked her a lot” james smirked looking at her. “obviously they knew her because i always talked about her to them, but they’ve never really- woah WOAH” james’ speach was cut abruptly when he saw sirius attach his lips to remus’ and remus kissed him back fondly. they all exchanged shocked looks but they werent too shocked, they knew something was happening between the pair of them.

“woah guys” james laughed as they broke the kiss apart and giggled at their reaction.

“yea um, remus and i are dating” sirius said, lookinh flustered slightly. remus was still playing with his hair softly.

“does that mea we can go on double dates?” james said at once

“james potter i am not going on double dates with you and sirius thank you very much” lily said sarcastically.

“suit yourself, james and i are going on dates” sirius shrugged

“james and you are what-“ lily looked confused but cant help a laugh.

“thats right evans” sirius said in a dignified tone.

“dont you talk to my girlfriend like that black!” remus said at once. they all laughed at the sitiuation but lily said with a serious voice, “guys im so happy for you, youre finally together” she smiled wamrly. remus and sirius scooted closer next to each other smiling back at her.

“really proud of my mates” james said, trying to keep a serious tone but smirking at the same time.

[eddiesfaerie]

Long Sleeves (part 2)

Summary: Pushed to its absolute limits; a retelling of the past 4 months of you and Charlie’s complicated relationship (13.5k words, i dont know what to say other than im so sorry)

Warnings: NSFW, f!reader, major angst, annoying fluff, mentions of divorce, affairs, age gap (between Charlie and reader, previously implied), nudes, phone sex, PIV sex, daddy kink, some size kink, pain kink(?), rough (and angry and sad) sex, dom and sub themes, spanking, fingering, oral sex (m receiving), i also mention christmas a lot at the beginning which isn't really a warning but i know not everyone celebrates it!

Part 1

A/N: for those of you who are not a fan of d*ddy kink but who may still want to read this; i only use it between the time stamps of Christmas Eve to March, following the March timestamp there will be no mention or use of that word! just thought i’d mention cause the ending is cathartic!

LATE DECEMBER - APARTMENT

With Henry and Nicole staying in LA until after the holidays, Charlie would be alone with you until he left again.

And he didn’t leave your apartment once in the meantime.

Making up for lost time, is what you could call it.

The hours, days, spent in between sheets, on countertops, on couches, in the shower. Like he was trying to mark your apartment with his scent, make sure you never forgot him when he would leave again for LA in a few days.

You would remember him everywhere.

The way your knees bruised on the tile floor of your shower. The welts on your ass from his harsh hand. The bite marks on your shoulders, the bruises littering your neck, stomach, anywhere he could reach.

You would remember him everywhere.

The thousands of ‘good girls’ he praised you with and the thousand and one ‘fucking sluts’ he punished you with. Charlie was coming to know your insides and outs better than you could at this point, it was a certain level of familiarity you were happy with him reaching. He was becoming more and more comfortable around you.

You could tell not just because of the frequent sex, the hard fucking, but because of how he was opening up to you about the divorce. About what was really going on down in LA, what was happening with Henry, what had been happening (or more so, not happening) with Nicole for nearly the past year. 

He told you about how she ignored him, refused to have sex with him, even touch him. How he had found solace in a one time affair with their stage director, how he just missed feeling needed, feeling wanted by the only person who was supposed to fulfill that innate human desire.

He told you everything he could think of, every little detail. He was tired of hiding, holding it in.

He realized he would have to tell you when he would get a random call from his lawyer or from Nicole herself, when he would talk to Henry. When he yelled through the phone or hung up crying, slamming his device against the wall, nearly breaking it.

He knew he would have to explain it to you, he owed it to you.

You deserved to know, especially now that he was involving you in this to some degree. He didn’t want to, didn’t want to involve you but he needed you more than he needed anyone else right now. More than he was ready to admit perhaps, just how much he truly needed you.

And that’s why going back to LA would be the hardest thing he’s done all week.

He stood at the door, dressed, suitcase packed, heart lurching, thumping low in his chest with dread, resent, fear, and some feeling he couldn’t fucking name.

Lo-

“I wish you could come.” He says instead, the saddest smile you’ve seen adorning his perfect lips. You smile back, just as sadly. You know there was absolutely no reason for you to go to LA with him, to spend Christmas with Nicole and Henry and whatever extended family would be there as well. It would never happen, never work. At least, not right now. Not like this.

The divorce proceedings were on break till after the holidays, both in and against Charlie’s favour. It meant not giving Henry two Christmases, one last normal one. But it also meant pretending, indulging in that… façade that him and Nicole have been keeping up for too fucking long now.

The deed would be done sometime in February, maybe March, Charlie couldn’t remember. He tried not to think about it too much. Think about losing everything-

“I know. But you’ll enjoy yourself. Henry will be happy.” You remind him, letting him hold you so, so tightly. His vice grip, digging into you, trying to anchor himself to you.

“I can’t believe I’m leaving you alone during fucking Christmas.” You laugh.

“I’m going home to see my parents, I won’t be alone, Charlie.” He nods his head, hearing the words you’re saying but he still can’t stop the guilt from creeping up on him. He doesn’t want you to think he’s abandoning you. He won’t abandon you, like everyone’s abandoned him. He just hoped you wouldn’t abandon him either.

Charlie presses his forehead against yours, his hands gripping your waist and pressing your body against his. Your arms wrap around his neck.

“I’ll call you this time, I promise. Every night… I’ll call.”

“Okay.” You giggle, believing him.

His hand sneaks its way up your jaw, gripping your cheeks gently but angling your face for you to meet his dark, dark eyes. You know that look, so familiar now. You feel the pressure start to rise inside you, heat pooling in the very pit of your stomach.

“You’ll be good for me?” You nod immediately, fervently.

“Yes, Charlie.”

“If I ask you to send me pictures, what’ll you do?”

“S-send you pictures.” Breathless, your voice sounds so breathless. Your eyelids threatening to close but you keep them on him, always.

“That’s my good girl.” He growls, tilting your face all the way to his lips, a kiss, a seal of approval. You moan against his lips, letting your eyelids flutter shut, imagining yourself in all those new lingerie sets he’s bought you over the last week.

Your early Christmas presents, he had told you.

“The… the taxis waiting out front.” You say against his lips, not wanting him to leave just yet, but also not wanting him to leave you high and dry before getting on a plane set for across the country for at least another week, probably longer. Charlie ignores you, shoving his tongue down your throat, his grip on your jaw moving down to your neck, squeezing ever so slightly, fingers ghosting over bruised skin, enough to make you fall further into his chest, gripping his perfectly ironed shirt, ruining it.

He pulls away all too soon, no doubt doing this to you on purpose. It was 7am and you were already whimpering into his parted lips.

“I-I’ll miss you.” You admit, heart crashing into your ribs. 

You hadn’t meant to say it but he was making your brain foggy, your thoughts were jumbled together and you just let it slip past your lips. Charlie stares at you, red lips swollen like petals, cheeks matching, hair perfectly in place with your help nothing but fifteen minutes earlier. It feels like a lifetime has passed before he says anything back to you. The taxi honks outside on the curb.

“I’ll… I’ll miss you more.”

CHRISTMAS EVE - UPSTATE NEW YORK

It was relieving to be away from the city, surrounded by more wilderness, more foliage, more trees, more animals. A literal breath of fresh air that wasn’t tainted by sewage and the ever present scent of smoke coming from somewhere or someone.

You loved coming up here. Escaping. You hadn’t been back home since last Christmas. You moved away when you were quite young, the relationship you had with your parents was complicated, clashing personalities, it was difficult to understand each other when you were younger but there was clarity that came with age. They finally respected you, and you finally respected them as well, understanding them better.

You think spending so much time with Charlie and Henry gave you an insight into parenthood that you had never been privy too beforehand. You were thankful for that, not only did you appreciate your parents more, but now parenthood had many more benefits that you had never considered before. Magical, rewarding, fulfilling.

Charlie kind of made you feel that way too.

It was still awkward at times with your parents, that was unavoidable. No siblings around meant all eyes were on you. They were asking for too many details, prying too deep and you just never felt comfortable indulging in yourself this much. But you always came prepared, it was the holidays after all, things always got weird.

After Christmas Eve dinner, your parents invited you out on a walk with them around their little town. They did this every night apparently, just walking together, talking. It was cute, endearing. You declined their offer, however. Thankfully you weren’t sixteen anymore, and your parents didn’t press you any further to come along with them like they used to.

They’d be back in thirty minutes.

That gave you thirty minutes to call Charlie. Just as he instructed.

Earlier this evening, as your parents were beginning to prepare dinner, Charlie’s family was just finishing lunch out in California. A perfect time for a perfect distraction, or intrusion. 

You had packed a few sets of the new lingerie Charlie had bought you, not knowing what he would want to see on you or how often you should switch it up. You nearly brought all of them but didn’t want to take up too much space in your luggage and be suspicious.

You put one on that you thought Charlie was particularly fond of, a skimpy little number that revealed more skin than hid, it’s colour complimenting your skin like it was made for you, made to hug your figure in all the right places. You forgot that Charlie had such a visual mind sometimes, he knew exactly what you would look good in.

Nervous and a bit shaky, you tucked yourself away into your childhood bedroom to take your pictures for Charlie. You felt like a teenager again.

Charlie was not pleased with the timing of your pictures, seeing as he was surrounded by family and innocently looked at his phone only to get a glimpse of your beautiful fucking body, all the blood going from his head straight to his cock. He nearly fainted. His cheeks lit up like Nicole’s Christmas tree and he stumbled from his chair. Thankfully, everyone seemed to be more occupied with paying attention to Henry than to notice him sprint to the bathroom to scold you over text.

That was hours ago. Charlie had told you to call him exactly at 11pm eastern time. That was only 8pm where he was but he said it worked out perfectly so you didn’t argue. You just waited patiently on your bed, number dialed on your phone and ready to call, all the clock head to do was strike eleven.

Finally, the clocks ding around the house, your thumb flies across your screen and you hold the phone up to your ear, worrying the flesh of your lip between your teeth. It rings once, twice, three times before you can hear his breath on the other end. It already sounds heavy.

“H-hi Charlie.”

“What are you wearing.” His voice is strained, maybe he’s already holding himself in his hand.

“Merry Christmas Eve.” You twist your fingers together nervously. Charlie grunts on the other end, a frustrated sound.

“I f-fucking told you, no pleasantries. I-it’ll only make us miss each other more-” You stayed quiet. You knew he was right, but you already missed him so much and hearing his voice was making it worse. You felt your lip tremble, you missed his arms, his warmth, his-

“Are you fucking pouting right now?” His voice was firm, sturdy, and annoyed.

“No, Charlie.” A lie.

“Good, now tell me what you’re wearing.”

“I’m wearing your favourite, the one from earlier. I’m barely covered.”

“Oh I know baby, your tits looked so fhuuuucking good in those pictures you sent me.” The fluctuation in his voice was rising and falling randomly, you could picture his hand wrapped tightly around his angry cock, the head flushed red, precum dribbling out the top, just begging to be licked. He tasted so good…

“A-are you touching yourself?”

“No, you didn’t tell me to.”

“G-good girl, you’re so fucking good to me, you know that?” You pictured his chest, the way he flushes right in the center, between his pecs. The way the red splotches climb up, up, up his neck and onto his cheeks and up to the peaks of his ears. You thought about the heavy rise and fall of his chest as well, how fucking wide he is, how much bigger than you he is. You audibly moaned.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about?”

“Y-you.”

“Be specific- fuck.”

“Um, your- your cock. How big it is, how big you are. How it feels when you stretch me out, when you go so deep I feel you in my stomach-”

“Keep going baby, I’m… I’m so f-UHcking close.”

“I think about the first time, a-a lot. How it felt the first time you split me open- fuck Charlie you’re so big I never think you’re going to fit but I always take it, I-”

“Yeah, yeah you always take me like the good little girl you are, such a good fucking slut for me, taking my cock in that tight fucking pussy.” He sneers, you can tell he’s talking from behind clenched teeth and you moan again, loudly. Your brain short circuits, what comes out next, comes from the deepest part of you.

“Oh Daddy,-”

“What did you just call me?”

Fuck.

You hadn’t really meant to say it, you were just so caught up in the moment, the feeling, the sound of him that you completely lost your inhibitions and let it slip out. You expected him to just end the call now.

“Charlie I’m so sorry-” He cuts you off with a firm call of your name.

“I asked you a question. What… did you call me?” Your stomach flips and your insides threaten to spill past your lips and onto your floor.

“Daddy.” You say so quietly you’re not sure he even heard you.

“I didn’t catch that.”

“Daddy.” Frustration laces your voice as you project the word throughout the entire upper floor of the house. He definitely hears it that time. You think you hear Charlie moan on the other end but you don’t want to be too hopeful.

“You wanna call me Daddy? Hmm? You want me to be your fucking Daddy, is that it?”

“N-no…” You’re not sure what he’s getting at, but you feel like he’s just going to torment you.

“Don’t fucking lie to me you little slut.” His breathing picks up again, his voice booming, heavy breaths between every few words. You can hear the slick of his hand as it moves quickly over his length.

“Yes! Yes I- I want you to…”

“Say it.”

“I want you to be my Daddy.” Charlie moans loudly again, his hand somehow moving faster. You can tell he’s close. You can’t believe he likes this. You love it.

“Yeah, I’ll be your fucking Daddy. You better fucking call me that non stop when I get back to you, my sweet little girl.” You moan this time, squeezing your thighs together, feeling your arousal trail slightly down onto your thigh. You were so distracted you hadn’t realized you’d completely soaked through your underwear.

“I will, Daddy.”

“Fuck, I’m-”

Confidence surged you. You still couldn’t believe he liked this but you finally gave in, feeding his desires. When you spoke, your voice was filled with something wicked, sickeningly sweet and most of all, evil.

“Are you going to cum for me, Daddy? Make a mess for me?”

You felt like you hadn’t even finished your sentence before a loud moan punched through your phone and into your ear. You moaned as well just from his release, feeling it in your mind and in your chest, squeezing your thighs again for any sort of friction. Charlie continued to moan through his release, you pictured his silky cum painting his taut abdomen and his beautiful chest. You imagined it blending in with his moles and freckles, you pictured yourself rubbing your hands through it, massaging it into his skin before licking it all up. 

He wouldn’t even have to ask, you would just do it.

“Y-you’re fucking perfect… you fucking angel.” He’s so breathless, completely spent and wasted from your voice alone. You felt so hot. You needed to relieve yourself but you didn’t know if you should ask for permission or not. Before you could even debate it, Charlie spoke again.

“Go to bed, wouldn’t want Santa catching you up like this.” You laughed softly at his comment. Static on the other end. He said your name as if to check if you were still there.

“Yeah?”

“Merry Christmas.”

The line went dead.

JANUARY - BROOKLYN

You had sent Charlie pictures nearly every night after that. And you two called each other every other night as well.

He asked it of you and you couldn’t say no to your Charlie. It was a bit tricky while you were still staying with your parents, he would simply text you and you would have to scurry off to your room or the bathroom and snap as many flattering pictures of yourself as you could. You tried to make it seem less suspicious by drinking tons of water and just blaming it on your bladder.

But the new year had finally come, and you were now back home in your apartment. Charlie would be returning tonight and you were counting down the hours until you saw his taxi pull up on the curb side. You distracted yourself until then.

At around 7pm, you got an unexpected call from Charlie.

“Hi.” You felt like your smile was audible through the phone.

“Hey,” Charlie chuckled darkly, his voice always sounding deeper and richer through the receiver. “I just got in. I was wondering if you’d like to join us for dinner tonight?”

Us? He didn’t mean….

“It’s just me and Henry, Nicole’s uh, staying in LA until further notice. If you’re busy or if you can’t that’s-”

“I would love to,” The fact that Charlie would ask you to spend dinner with him and Henry warmed your heart beyond comprehension. Your weeks of loneliness suddenly dissolving into the background and becoming nothing more than a distant memory, a distant feeling. “but is Henry okay with it?”

“Of course he’s okay with it. He’s actually been talking about you quite a bit. I think he might have missed you more than I did,” Charlie choked a bit on his last words, “not that I didn’t miss you, I just meant that he, you know, Henry was-”

“It’s okay, Charlie I understood what you meant.” You giggle, finding his slight awkwardness endearing. How was it that you both were having incredible phone sex for the past two weeks and now you both sounded like teenagers calling their crush?

“So, you’ll come?”

“Yeah, I’ll come.” Charlie groans at your suggestive tone.

“Don’t start now.” His voice stern, unwavering. You laugh again, more mischievous this time. You test the waters, not stepping in enough to drown... just yet.

“I’ll be over in ten minutes, is that okay, Daddy?” You hear rustling on the other end of the phone and then Charlie cursing a low ‘fuck!’. You think you hear Henry’s voice too, followed by more of Charlie’s now muffled voice.

“Ten minutes is fine.”

//

Henry had bombarded you at the door, he wrapped his tiny arms around your legs and hugged himself tightly to you. It took everything in you not to cry, you knelt down so you could hug him back.

“I missed you.” He dug his cheek into your shoulder. This kid was the sweetest, he would melt your heart every time.

“I missed you too, Henry. How was LA? How was Christmas? Tell me everything!”

Henry grabbed your hand and dragged you into the living room where all his new toys were laid out, ready for him to play with. As he was pulling you there, Charlie emerged from around the doorway like an angel himself. Your eyes met and you felt as if you were moving in slow motion, and not being dragged at top speed by his child.

“Hi.” You greet, almost shyly. Unsure of how to act around him with Henry present.

“Hi.” Charlie repeats, grabbing your free hand for the briefest moment, giving it a tight squeeze until it's pulled out of his grasp by Henry.

You’re not sure how long you spent playing on the floor with Henry, him retelling you the events of the last two or three weeks while Charlie sat on the couch, glancing at the two of you every now and then. You tried not to think about the position you were in, kneeling on the floor, carpet digging into your knees, Charlie sitting tall above you on the couch, looking down at you from between his parted knees. It looked like such a natural position for him, almost like he was too comfortable like this, too familiar with it. You wanted to-

The doorbell rang, making both you and Henry jump from the sharp noise.

“Henry would you like to go pay the pizza guy?” Charlie asked, already pulling his wallet from the pocket in his pants.

“Yes!” Henry shouted, jumping up from the carpet, whisking the crisp bills from his dad’s hands and running to the door to answer it. Charlie figured he had a minute or less before Henry came back.

He lifted himself from the couch, taking your jaw into his hand and bringing you to stand with him. He crashed his lips into yours, violently shoving his tongue down your throat and you had to bite back the moan that threatened to spill through your lips and into his awaiting mouth. His hands had a deadly grip on your waist and on your jaw, you only wished he would ease up because you didn’t want Henry to wonder why you both looked so flustered.

“I can’t wait until tonight.” He said against your lips, his hand on your jaw moving to trail down your throat.

“W-what’s tonight?”

“I got it!” Henry came rushing back into the living room but not before Charlie pushed himself away from you and let go of your throat and waist. It looked like nothing had happened.

“Let’s go set it up in the dining room.” Henry stomped his foot in retaliation, whining slightly.

“Nooo, Dad, can we please watch a movie with pizza?”

“Henry, we have a guest-”

“Please!”

“What movie do you want to watch?” You asked, budding in, trying to stop a tantrum in its tracks. Henry’s eyes lit up and he glanced between you and his dad.

“Have you ever seen ‘Frozen’?” You actually had, but he didn’t need to know that. You gasped.

“I haven’t!” You glanced over at Charlie. His eyes were dark but an innocent smirk pulled at his lips.

He was thinking about how this just meant it would take longer before he could finally fuck you again, a two hour movie cockblock. It had been over two weeks since he had felt your body against his, nothing to satiate him but the sound of your voice and some mediocre photos. Charlie thinks he should show you how to take some really good ones sometime soon. Not that yours didn’t most definitely do the trick, he just thinks he likes the idea of directing you, positioning you...

But Charlie was also thinking about how he found it very sweet, very heartwarming to watch you bond with Henry. He loved watching you have such a good time with him and treat him like a person, not just a child. And he could tell that Henry really liked spending time with you too. Not just from how much he talked about you when you weren’t around, but the smile that lit up his face when you came over or when he went over to your place.

It was getting harder and harder to get Henry to smile like that.

You all sat down on the couch, little wooden fold up tables in front of your seat to hold your plate of pizza slices. Henry sitting between you and Charlie, of course.

Henry sang along passionately to almost every song, sometimes with bites of pizza in his mouth and Charlie would scold him for it, afraid he would choke but Henry ignored his dad’s requests, just continuing to belt out along with the characters on screen.

As the movie progressed and neared the end, you could feel Charlie getting more and more sleepy on his side of the couch. He would rearrange his sitting position every now and then and his eyes would close for minutes at a time. He looked so soft with his arms folded across his chest, his eyelashes fluttering against the tops of his cheeks, his lips coming to rest in the softest little pout. You nudge Henry gently and he turns to look up at you.

“Looks like your dad’s asleep.” You giggle, pointing to Charlie. Henry immediately jumps on him, startling Charlie awake.

“Dad I can’t believe you fell asleep again!” Henry pouts, grabbing Charlie’s face between his hands and shaking him from side to side. Charlie grabs his son’s little hands to stop his efforts, sitting himself up straighter on the couch and hugging Henry to his chest.

“Mmm’wasn’t sleeping.” Henry rolled his eyes.

“Why don’t you go get your daddy a blanket so he can get comfy for the rest of the movie.” You wink at Henry, sending him searching upstairs for the perfect blanket for his dad.

Charlie groans and drops his head on the back of the couch, his hand draping across is as well, coming to rest on the very tip of your shoulder. He wraps his fingers along your muscles, squeezing the flesh into his palm, tightly.

“I heard that.”

“Heard what?” Daddy.

His head lifts from the couch to glare at you, his stare deadly, shooting right to the deepest parts of you. Why were you teasing him like this?

“Dad is the dinosaur one okay?” Henry calls from up the stairs, slowly making his way down and back to the couch.

“It’s perfect, Henry. Thank you.” Charlie takes the blanket from Henry and kisses the top of his forehead before he settles back on the couch, cuddling up next to his dad.

You unpause the movie, admiring the two of them every now and then, watching Henry becoming more and more sleepy as the film nears its end. As the credits roll, Charlie removes the blanket from around himself and moves it to wrap around Henry.

“I’m going to go tuck him in.” Charlie whispers to you. You nod sweetly at the two of them. Charlie carries Henry in his arms towards the stairs before Henry grumbles, calling out your name to you back on the couch.

“Will you come too?”

You look to Charlie for guidance, you don’t want to overstep any boundaries. You’ve never been in the upstairs part of their apartment, you’ve never seen the rest of their place, Henry’s room, Charlie’s room, their bathroom. You’d never seen any of it and it all felt incredibly intimate and incredibly wrong in some way. You didn’t want to accidentally see something you shouldn’t. But Charlie just smiles back at you and nods his head gently.

“Of course, Henry.” You follow them up the stairs, smiling at Henry who smiles that shiny little kid smile at you before laying his head back down on Charlie’s shoulder, resting his eyes again.

Henry’s bedroom is exactly like you imagined it would be. Colourful blue walls, vibrant comic book patterned bed sheets, toys absolutely everywhere yet Charlie avoids them like their place on the floor has meaning, like he’s ingrained it into his mind from stepping on them too many times, muscle memory. You stay in the doorway, leaning on the door frame watching them, not wanting to intrude.

Charlie carefully lowers Henry onto his bed, tucking him in the covers and kissing his forehead. He says sweet words to his son, lulling him further to sleep and Henry smiles dopily back at him, whispering a quiet ‘love you, dad.’

Charlie turns around to face you, he flicks his head in the direction of the stairway mouthing the word ‘go’ to you, you nod and head down the stairs, waiting for him in the living room. You decide to settle yourself at the foot of the couch, sitting on your knees, feeling the burn of the carpet again and waiting for your Charlie.

He descends the stairs slowly, achingly slowly. Making you wait for it, making you feel the weight in his steps, his foot pressing into the wood, applying his weight until he shifts down another step before finally, finally, making his way to you.

You look up at him from your place on the floor, you try not to let your mouth hang open as you gaze up at him, this beautiful man. Sometimes, when you look at him, you wonder if whatever god or gods were out there made him like this on purpose. Sent him here looking the way he does to taunt you, to test you. Test your strength, your will to defy him when you know there is no humanly way possible to deny this man of what he wants. And what he wants is you. Why would you say no? How could you?

After observing you on the floor below him, Charlie seats himself down on the couch like before, knees spread, looking down at you. You scoot closer to him, hoping he doesn’t tell you to stop. His hand comes to rest on his knee before he pats it.

“Lay your head down on me.” His voice rumbles in his chest. You think you feel it through the floorboards, through your knees, up your spine and in the pit of your stomach. You listen and scoot closer, resting your head on his bony knee, nuzzling it with your cheek and looking up at him through thick lashes. You continue looking at him as you press a tender kiss as well, just for fun.

The lights are dim in the living room, the time ticking closer to midnight, Henry asleep upstairs. You both had to be quiet, you both knew this. Charlie’s hand comes to brush against your cheekbone, he trails his index finger all along the valleys of your face and then moving into your hair, gripping the back of it into a fist before relaxing again, bringing his hand back to hold your cheek.

“I’ve missed this.” He says so quietly. You nod, biting your lip.

“Me too.” You say, eagerness beginning to fill your voice. You adjust your position, coming to lean further into him, closer to his crotch where you can tell he needs you. Charlie hums contentedly.

“Mhmmm. Tell me what exactly you missed. Who you missed.” You let your hand glide over his knee, over his muscular thigh and towards his crotch, feather light touches along the fabric of his pants. You could feel how hard he was, it seemed painful.

“You. I missed your cock too... Daddy.”

There it was. He found what he was looking for. His hand found its way into a fist again in your hair, tugging it tightly, his head falling back against the couch as you pressed your lips over his covered cock, straining in his pants.

“You can do better than that,” he groaned, voice almost as strained as his cock yet still so forceful, “show Daddy how much you really missed him.”

You whimper at his tone, your voices both so hushed, rasped and desperate, spurring each other on much quicker than usual. Your hands, shaky with desire, reached up for his belt, grasping the cold metal into your hands and unbuckling it as quickly as you could. Only when you got to his zipper, did Charlie stop you with a light tap to your cheek.

“Teeth.” He scolded. You nodded.

You brought the zipper in between your teeth, biting down on the tiny piece of metal and slowly dragging it down over the hill his cock was creating in his pants. The heat radiating from his body was palpable, you could feel it coming onto your face the lower you dragged the zipper and the more he was revealed to you. You could also smell him, that smell that was undeniably Charlie; musky, earthy, a hit of fabric detergent and just the natural smell of his skin, like almonds in the summer. It made you dizzy, drunk off of him already.

You hadn’t even gotten him in your mouth yet.

You nuzzled your face into his clothed crotch, feeling his hard member pressing into your cheek, you could feel it pulsing, you could feel him wanting, waiting for the moment your mouth would take his length as far back as you could. You whimpered at the thought.

“You like it? You like my cock?”

“Yeah, I love it.”

“Then show me with that pretty fucking mouth of yours.” He sneered, pulling harder on your hair. You hummed and smiled, you felt giddy, maybe you really were drunk. You nuzzled your face into his crotch one more time before bringing both of your hands up to his waist, letting your fingertips dance around his beautiful skin that lay revealed to you above the waistband, you lean up, up, up pressing the softest, delicatest kisses to his skin.

Charlie groaned, pressing on the back of your head, pushing your face further into his tummy. You left more and more kisses before you gave him a tentative bite, not letting your teeth sink in too much before you lave your tongue over the abused flesh.

“Fuck that feels- fucking good.” Charlie moaned, looking down at the new mark that would only darken itself by tomorrow as more blood rushes to the affected area. It was placed beautifully next to his hip bone. You think it looked pretty. So did he.

You finally let your fingertips dip into his waistband but not before latching your teeth onto the stretchy fabric as well, aiding your fingers in removing them. You dragged it down, down, down his skin, just until his cock sprang free and laid heavy on his lower stomach. Charlie hissed, his hips bucking slightly from the sudden freedom.

He has the prettiest cock you think you’d ever seen. You never get used to seeing it, taking it in your mouth or your cunt. The stretch is always so painfully good, you’ve come to crave it. And going without it for the past however many weeks has made you near delirious for it. You stick your tongue out and run it all along the underside right to the very tip, where a shiny, pearly bead of precum has just begun to spill over. You hum as you lick it up, eyes nearly rolling back into your head.

“Don’t be a fucking tease.” Charlie grits from behind clenched teeth. You look up at him innocently, you notice that he’s clenching and unclenching his jaw like clockwork, his eyes look glassy and his cheeks are a few shades darker. He already looks so disheveled, so perfect like this.

“I can’t help it… it’s so pretty.”

“You think Daddy has a pretty cock?” You nod your head, humming, which you can’t seem to stop doing tonight, he just has you feeling so content, so safe. You don't think you could be like this with anyone else. You trace your fingers along his length, watching it bob from the slightest of touches, even Charlie tries to bite back his groans.

“Can-can I kiss it?”

“Please.” You lower your head towards his length, pressing your lips so softly onto his red angry head, giving little kitten licks in between kisses which has Charlie gripping your hair like a vice, afraid you’ll float away. You like the way his stomach flexes in response to your touch, like his body is bracing himself for the tidal wave of pleasure that’s bound to hit at any moment.

You finally take the spongy pink head into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it before letting a few inches fall past your lips as well. Charlie’s tummy flexes even more, the v shaped muscle becoming more and more prominent and you moan onto his cock. His free hand that had been clenched into a fist comes to hold one side of your head and the other comes to meet it. He holds your head in his hands and forces you to take more of him, but not all of it just yet. You start bobbing your head up and down on his length, his hands helping you find his ideal speed.

“Fuck yes, oh my god, j-just like that-” Charlie moans your name, his fingernails digging into your scalp making you moan on his cock again, only making him dig deeper, pressing your head further down his length, forcing you to take him until he hits the back of your throat.

“Gonna let Daddy f-fuck that pretty little whore mouth of yours?” You let your jaw go slack more than it already has and do your best to nod with his cock half way down your throat, tears already beginning to brim in the corner of your eyes. Charlie starts lifting his hips off the couch slightly, all the while moving your head further up and down his cock, forcing it down your throat as far as it’ll go without you making obscenely loud gagging noises.

His son was asleep right upstairs, after all.

You let your eyes roll back into your head, letting Charlie take control and just fuck his cock into your mouth like you know he needs to, like he knows you need it too. It’s been too fucking long. Too fucking long since he’s had you like this. At his disposal, his little plaything to do whatever he pleases with. And you fucking love it.

The cool, sharp metal of his unzipped zipper digs into your jaw and occasionally your neck, biting into your skin and scratching your skin when Charlie lifts his hips up particularly high but you don’t care. In fact, you welcome the pain, embracing it as a mark of Charlie’s rough loving. You hope it draws blood.

“Fuck, your mouth i-is so fucking perfect, so warm... I don’t-” He doesn’t finish his sentence, his eyes screw shut and you can feel his cock growing impossibly harder. He looks down at you, his face twisted in absolute pleasure as he loses himself in your tight little mouth. He pulls you off his cock with all of his strength. A trail of saliva connecting your spit swollen lips to the head of his cock. You start pumping him quickly with your fist.

“No-no wait I don’t…”

“I want it Charlie, please,” Charlie throws his head back, moaning your name, “cum in my mouth... please.”

You nearly whine that last part. Charlie grabs your hair and tugs it, shaking your head a bit.

“I want to fuck you, I don’t wanna cum yet- FUCK!” You hadn’t stopped your hand movements, your fist moving faster over his cock while he fights his release.

“You can fuck me tomorrow.” You say quickly before attaching your lips around the head of his cock, sucking on it until you feel his thighs, abdomen, hands, mind and soul tense up before he bites back his guttural moans, letting them rumble through his chest like thunder passing, before spilling himself onto your tongue. You moan as it lands, letting it slide down your throat as you taste him, taste all of him until he’s completely drained.

You look up at him through heavy lashes, coated thick in tears that have streamed down your cheeks. Chest heaving, abdomen pulled taught, cheeks incredibly flushed, lips swollen, eyes heavy and tired. Completely spent. He looked so beautiful, your Charlie. So beautiful like this.

“S-show me.” His hand reaches for your jaw, pinching your cheeks to force your jaw and mouth open. You stick your tongue to show him. All gone, you swallowed all of his cum, for him.

“Good girl.” He whispered, patting your cheek affectionately. You smiled sweetly at him, coming up with your hands resting your weight on his thighs, pressing your swollen lips to his. As you extend your knees to stand, you feel the ache in the joints, the bruises already present, no doubt. You loved the pain. Your lips glide effortlessly across each other, so tired, so worn out but always wanting.

“Stay, please.” He says against your lips. You shake your head, no. It was a simple answer. A simple predicament.

“Henry.” 

You pull back to look into Charlie’s eyes, he pulls you into his lap and he winces as you apply just a bit too much weight onto the base of his cock. You look into his eyes, already so sad at the idea of you leaving. But Henry would ask too many questions in the morning.

Why is the nice lady from next door still here, Dad?

Did she stay the night, Dad?

Did she sleep in your bed, Dad?

You and Mom’s bed, Dad?

“I know, I know.” Charlie says, defeated. He presses you into his chest, hugging you to him tightly, tighter than you were expecting. It was a hopeful thought. He understood why it couldn’t happen, couldn’t work. Maybe he just wanted you to entertain the idea for a minute with him. Maybe it would happen one day.

“I really did miss you.” He whispers into your hair, cradling the back of your head with his large, warm hand, pressing you further into the nook of his neck.

“I did too. I really missed you too, Charlie.”

MARCH - BROOKLYN

Charlie was currently back from his third visit to Los Angeles, hunting burroughs for the perfect new home for himself and for Henry. Maybe for you as well, but Charlie didn’t like to dwell on that for too long, he couldn’t allow himself such hopeful thoughts, he would only be let down. 

Would you really want to move in with him? Was that moving too quickly? Would you think he was insane? Crazy? Obsessed? The truth was, he is all of those things; insane, crazy, obsessed with you. He couldn’t help it, no. Not when it came to you.

He would always be desperate for your affection, your attention.

Things were escalating with the divroce. Nicole and Charlie had turned bitter, viscous, backstabbing, conniving. Both fighting for a child who has no intention of hurting anyone, certainly not his mother or father.

Henry had no idea what weight his actions or words held, no idea what it meant when someone came over to observe him and his dad, or him and his mom. When they sent someone out to New York to watch him there, sometimes you would be over too. They asked you so many questions, he didn’t understand why. Why were strangers suddenly so involved in every little thing his parents did? Were they in trouble? Were they bad people? Was he a bad kid? Did they hate him?

Henry pouts as you hold his hand, walking up the driveway to the new apartment Charlie was almost one hundred percent decided on renting. It was in more of a family oriented neighbourhood, still close to his school. Somehow, it had a decent sized backyard (which you had never heard of in New York, even Brooklyn), three bedrooms, an office, a beautiful kitchen, it was basically perfect in Charlie’s eyes.

The first time he visited it back in February, he sent you dozens of pictures and little videos when he had gone alone. He quickly booked another appointment for you to go and look at him with it so he could get your opinion. He made it very clear how important your opinion was to him on this matter, he was always asking you questions about the apartment, even bringing it up randomly. He would scroll through the pictures he had taken, scrutinizing every detail and ask you about it.

Do you think the backyard is big enough?

What if I end up getting Henry a dog? Would there be enough space for that?

Do you really like the kitchen? Be honest.

What about the office room? Do I really need that? Is that too much?

What about the guest bedroom?

You wonder if he was so invested in your opinion because he trusted you, or because he wanted you to move in with them. Neither of you had ever spoken about it before, never had that conversation. And even if you did, Henry would always have the final say. If he didn’t want you living with them, well, that was that. You couldn’t argue with Henry, not when his childhood and upbringing was in question. Especially after this divorce. Charlie would do anything for him. Even if it meant risking you.

//

Charlie ended up getting the house he had been eyeing for nearly a month.

Him and Henry would restart here, no painful memories embedded in the walls, in the flooring, in the holes in the walls, the slammed door frames, the windows that threatened to shatter from all the screaming and crying. None of that was here, it would never be here. None of that would happen again.

Charlie hadn’t asked you to move in.

And you hadn’t necessarily been waiting on him asking either.

You were already coming over pretty frequently. And not just on account of Charlie, Henry still loved seeing you and hanging out with you. You still babysat him when things at the theatre ran late. 

When Nicole moved to LA, Charlie was thrown full force into his work. Forced to recast, rework, and rewrite so many things that she had just left hanging. You watched Henry those nights, stayed until Charlie got home and then took the subway back to your place, next to their now vacant apartment.

You were so lonely those nights you couldn’t sleepover at Charlie’s. You missed his warmth. You hadn’t realized just how much comfort you got knowing he was just next door, just beyond a thick wall. You could have touched it and felt his presence radiating through. But now, nothing. It was cold, dark, empty, meaningless.

And because Charlie had been so overworked for the past few months, the stress was starting to get to him. The constant obstacles and backtracking in the theatre production. The random calls from Nicole, his lawyer, the random flights down to LA, the weeks Henry spent away from him, the nights he lost himself in you, using you as an outlet. You let him, you liked it when he took it out on you, you liked how rough he would get, all that pent up anger being pounded out into your hot cunt. You loved it. Loved when he got mad, frustrated. You were always there for him. You would always be there for him, you hoped he knew that.

But what you didn’t love, was when he started neglecting you.

He would go days sometimes without calling you, so much as even texting you. You would get no word from him for a couple of days and sometimes you would just randomly piece together that he was in LA and he just forgot to tell you. You tried to not let it upset you, you couldn’t imagine what he was going through, the stress of the divorce, the potential of losing Henry, his whole life hanging by a thread. It really wasn’t his fault that he just forgot to mention it to you.

Sometimes he would lash out at you, a small comment or action rubbing him the wrong way and he would erupt, say something he didn’t mean or just walk out on you. Times when things go heated, you tried your best to keep you composure for his sake. He didn’t need you being upset at him too on top of everything else, so you kept it in, for Charlie.

Sometimes he would lash out before you two went out with his theatre friends. He would smile and hug everyone, but kept somewhat of a distance from you. Barely speaking to you, barely including you in the conversation unless someone else asked you a question or directly addressed you. What did you look like to them? Friends? Friends with benefits? Did you look like his whore? The babysitter that he was secretly fucking?

You kind of were.

You drank a lot that night. He fucked you when you got back to his new place. He fell asleep quickly after. You pulled on your long sleeve shirt and nice dress pants that you had been wearing that night after laying next to his warm, sleeping body for thirty minutes, debating, thinking, worrying, dying inside.

You stood up and walked to the door, you looked back to find him watching you. You nervously tugged at your sleeves, staring back at him until he turned around, pushing his face into the pillow, as if silently willing you to leave. You left. You called a taxi and left. You didn’t sleep that night.

//

You think it was because he told you he was going to Los Angeles again.

Maybe he mentioned Nicole? His lawyer? Something about Henry? The theatre? 

You couldn’t remember what started all of this yelling, smashing. You were over at the new place, helping Charlie organize some things for Henry before he came back with him the next time he went out to LA again, which was in a few days.

Charlie was pissed and this time, you weren’t sure how much longer you could hold your calm resolve for him.

“Charlie if you just need some space from me tell me, it won’t hurt my feelings, I understand.” You decide to try and change the subject, maybe just cutting to the chase. Offering him what you think he wants, alone time. Time away from you, from everything. There’s no way he doesn’t need a break.

You hated how quickly you would give everything up for him. You would do anything for him, anything he asked.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” He asked, eyes squinting in confusion. You sigh, running a hand down your face, your patience was running thin and you didn’t want to accidentally set him off.

“Everytime you see me you manage to get frustrated or mad about something. I just don’t want to give you more problems than you already have. I know you’ve been really stressed.”

“Elaborate, please.” His voice was clipped as he put his hands on his hips, stopping what he was doing and turning to you, seemingly giving you more attention than he had in weeks. You huff, not sure how to explain this to him.

“Charlie I-”

“No, what the fuck are you trying to say? That if I fucking ended things you would just leave? No questions asked?” His voice boomed, echoing off the newly painted walls, shaking the frames of yours and Henry’s dinosaur paintings from all those months ago. 

He takes a step closer to you, you take one back, then another just for good measure. Your back hits the wall and you take a deep breath, gathering your thoughts as best as you can with him staring at you with those eyes. Those fucking eyes. They still managed to twinkle even when he was angry.

“I- I would… for Henry. You put Henry first, I put Henry first. If he wanted me gone-”

“He doesn’t fucking want you gone, you know that.” Charlie scoffed, walking closer to you, his face red in frustration, maybe anger. He says your name, it's never sounded so sad.

“Why are you lying to me?” He’s a step away from you now, chest heaving with laboured breaths. He’s trying to compose himself, you can tell. Trying to stay calm but his patience was wearing thin.

“I’m not, I w-wouldn’t lie to you, Charlie.”

“You would leave me?” You nod your head, lip trembling, tears burning, stinging in your eyes, your breathing becoming heavy too. Was this it?

“If that’s what you wanted, if you want me to leave I would.”

“Why? Why would you do something so fucking stupid?” His lip is also trembling, you feel like he’s about to spit in your face, yell at you for being such an idiotic little girl. The thought alone had you squeezing your thighs together, this was so fucked. You shouldn’t like this, shouldn’t like when he got frustrated, you resented the fact that you did.

You couldn’t think straight, the words leaving your mouth didn’t feel your own, like you were speaking some other language, possessed by a foreign being.

“Be-because…” Bile rising in your throat, you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“Fucking why? Tell me why!” He was yelling, his face in yours and his voice breaking.

“Because I… because I love-”

And then Charlie was kissing you.

Charlie was kissing you.

His tongue swiped into your mouth like he was trying to strangle you with it. His hands came to your cheeks and pressed your body flush against his and the wall, sandwiched between the two. He was hard, you could feel his cock pressing into your stomach as he rolled his hips into you, you moaned into his mouth, tears spilling down your cheeks. He didn’t wipe them away.

“Don’t say it… don’t- fucking say it.” He said against your lips, voice so hush, so quiet and scared.

“Why? Why are you afraid of me?”

“I’m not fucking afraid of you.” He says, confused, angry, lips rough on your own. He keeps trying to kiss you, you don’t want to push him away but you try, you push on his tough chest, his heart beating wildly in its cage.

“Yes you are. You keep pushing me away.” You cry, hiccupping on a ragged sob that leaves your chest, as you ironically try to push him away from you. Charlie tries to kiss you through it, trying to suffocate you.

“I’m not.” He fights.

“You are.”

“I’m not-” You push, harder this time. He stumbles back, lips already swollen, his eyes are wet, glossy too. Like yours.

“You are!” You yell, voice breaking, choking on your tears. “Don’t act like you haven’t been treating me differently for the past month.”

When Charlie says nothing, you continue.

“You don’t call me, you don’t text me, I only come over to babysit Henry when he’s here and when he’s in LA you just fuck me and then get mad about something and leave. When we go out you don’t look at me, you don’t touch me-” Your voice falters, you’re not sure you can go on with the way the sobs wrack through your chest and into the rest of your body. You feel weak, like you might collapse into the ground. You wish you would, you wish the floor would just swallow you up and you could disappear.

Charlie sees red. His fists shake, clenched into fists at his side after you’ve pushed him away. His palms burn to touch you. He knows he shouldn’t, he knows he should listen to what you’re saying, let you talk, remind him how much he’s been hurting you. He knows what he’s doing, he’s not stupid.

He wasn’t trying to push you away, he definitely wasn’t doing it on purpose. But he was sabotaging himself, sabotaging everything because he felt he didn’t deserve you. He was a bad father, a selfish person for wanting to take Henry away from his mother, for wanting Henry to himself, a bad person for hating Nicole, a woman he once loved.

Love.

It was all because of love wasn’t it? Charlie wants to laugh at the thought. Wants to laugh and scream and yell and hit something at the thought of stupid fucking love. Was he really becoming that nihilistic already?

Would he come to hate you like how he hates Nicole? Would you come to hate him the way he hates himself? The way Henry probably hates him? The way his parents hated him-

His knees hit a hard surface, blistering, blinding pain shooting up his legs. He’s collapsed onto the floor before he’s even aware of it. Unaware of the sobs that push and pull at his lungs, forcing his chest to heave in the oxygen before choking it back out along with spit and tears. 

He’s crying. You’re crying. Fuck, how did it come to this. This was all too familiar. He feels numb.

How could he love you when love was the scariest thing? When love was the most frightening emotion he had ever experienced. Everything that’s happened to him for the past two fucking years was because of love. Love would ruin everything. It always did. But he couldn’t…. he couldn’t lose-

“Y-you… you can’t- leave me.” He chokes, hands planted shakily on the floor, holding his upper body up, his arms weak.

You… you’ve never seen Charlie like this. And honestly? It scares you. Sure, you’ve heard him yell, scream, cry at Nicole, his lawyer over the phone. But this was different. This was visceral, burning desire, regret, shame, embarrassment… this was everything coming crashing down around him at once.

Fuck.

This is what you’ve been trying to avoid over the past month. That’s why you’ve tiptoed around him, letting him get angry, letting him yell, letting him ignore you, use you, fuck you and ask for nothing in return. You were avoiding this.

But maybe you had just prolonged the explosion? Let enough gas build up before it eventually burst into flames.

Eventually…

You had definitely made this worse, by ignoring it you’ve let it fester, let it rise and rise and rise, just pushing down the lid for your own sake. Maybe it was both of your own faults? You don’t know, you don’t care. This was bound to happen at some point. And it just so happened to be today. All you really care about is Charlie.

You kneel down on the floor in front of him, resting your palm on the floor like he has, letting your pinky finger graze against his. The slightest of touch as to not scare him off. He flinches, his head still hung low, eyes screwed shut.

You place your hand on top of his, feeling his burning skin, testing the waters. He doesn’t pull back so you continue your efforts. You intertwine your fingers with his, slowly, slowly lifting his hand up off the ground and closer to you. He still doesn’t look up. You keep moving his hand until it’s on your chest, covering your left breast. Only then does he look up, searching your eyes.

He feels it then. That same thing he felt the first time… the first time he had you. Your beating heart, pumping wildly in your chest just like his was. Did you know? Did you know what you did to him? Did you know how much he needed you, how much he thinks of you? Did you know that he… that he-

“I won’t.” You say, cutting him off mid thought. His hand clutches onto you through the fabric of your shirt, trying to reach through you and grab your heart into his hands. He wants to pull it from you, keep it for himself and lock it away, make sure you never fucking leave him. He was so selfish.

“I won’t leave you Charlie.” You say again when he says nothing, just watching his hand twist into the fabric of your shirt, tugging it strangely until he’s rid you of it. He places his hand back on your chest, feeling your heart better now through the barrier of only your flesh.

“I…. I’m sorry.” “You said you wouldn’t lie to me?” It feels like the first thing he’s said in hours, his voice rough around the edges, gooey in the middle. His post-yelling voice, you knew it too well.

“I wouldn’t.”

“Then why… why would you even say that? That you would leave me?”

“Because if that’s what you wanted, what you needed… I would do it. I would do anything you wanted, anything for you, Charlie.”

“Why?” He couldn’t understand. There was no fathamobale reason as to why he would deserve such devotion. Especially from you. 

You’re quiet, unsure of how to answer him. This was the same back and forth you both had before he exploded, when you almost told him you… that you lo-

“I-I don’t know how to answer… you told me not to say it.” You whimper, tears spilling from your eyes again. His hand comes to hold your cheek, thumb swiping away the tear. You nuzzle into his hand, kissing his palm. You stay there for a moment, resting your face in his palm, feeling his warmth radiating from his hands, letting a silence wash over the two of you. It was sort of peaceful. A chaotic peace.

“Charlie, I-”

“Don’t... don’t say it.” You cry some more, tears spilling. His hand moves to your throat, squeezing gently, you find it oddly comforting.

“But I want to, I want to say it, please.” You grab the wrist of the hand holding your throat, squeezing his flesh, asking.

“No.”

“Charlie-”

“I said no.” He grabs your jaw, shaking you from side to side a little. You whimper, eyes screwing shut, pushing more tears past the precipice. He pulls you into his lap, you’re putty in his hands, letting him move you however he needs to move you. He holds you in his arms, your legs wrap around his waist and his legs bring him to stand up somehow, his strength always shocking you.

“You can’t say it... you can’t leave.” He continues, you sniffle, hiding your face in his neck, grabbing onto his hair as he carries you somewhere through the apartment, up some stairs…

“I’m sorry, Charlie, I’m- sorry.” You hiccup and cry into his neck, wetting the skin. You press your lips over the newly wet skin, feeling his heartbeat flutter underneath, teeth grazing the thin flesh.

Suddenly he’s lowering you down, down, down until you come in contact with a soft surface, his mattress. Charlie crawls on top of you, you let him rest between your thighs, keeping your legs up high on his waist.

“Don’t ever fucking leave me.” You shake your head from side to side in agreement with him, worrying your bottom lip between your teeth. His hand trails down the length of your body roughly, burning your flesh in its unforgiving path. You’re left only in your jeans since he removed your shirt when you were still downstairs.

“I won’t, I-I didn’t mean-” You can barely form a proper sentence, choking on your own tears and sadness that wrack through your mind and body. Charlie’s hand in already palming your sex through the thick denim you wear, you whimper, trying to squeeze your thighs together but his body blocks them.

“Stop talking.” He barely gets out the words before he’s pressing his lips to yours again, letting his lips glide against your wobbly and swollen ones. You breathe each other in, letting your tongues dance across one anothers as you gasp and cry into his mouth. It’s all teeth and all tongue, it’s messy, clumsy, desperate, burning. You don’t care, he doesn’t either when your teeth clack against each other, nibbling on lips, biting sometimes.

Charlie flips you over underneath him so that you face the sheets, sliding down your body and roughly tugging down your jeans along with your underwear in one swift motion. You gasp as your wet cunt comes in contact with the cool air of the darkening day. Charlie stands on his knees behind you, pulling your ass up higher, higher, higher until he’s satisfied. His cheeks are warm, his ears pink at the peaks. Before either of you even have time to think, his hand comes down harshly onto your right ass cheek, you cry out, gripping the sheets by your head.

“Ch-Charlie!” You gasp, earning you another smack to your other cheek. You push your head down into the covers, trying to muffle your cries and moans as he keeps going.

His smacks you again, and again, and again and again until you’re a sobbing mess in the sheets. Words, languages lost to you in your muddled brain. A pool of spit near your mouth soaked into the white fabric, only a wet spot remaining to show for evidence of your euphoria. You can feel the imprint of his hand on your ass, you know it's burning red, you know the skin is raised and puffy. You fucking love it.

Charlie’s chest is heaving, breaths labored as he takes it all out on you like he knows you need it, knows you love it. He does too; love it and need it. The way your ass gets so much brighter, how big the imprint he’s left on you is. How fucking perfect you are for him... He’s pulling off his shirt before he knows it, shedding his pants too until he’s in nothing but his underwear. You’ve stayed exactly where you are, not daring to move a muscle since he hasn’t instructed you otherwise.

“So now you listen.” Charlie mutters to himself, it's barely audible to you since the blood is coursing so loudly through your veins, through your ears. You’re buzzing.

Charlie pushes you back down on the mattress so you lay completely flat. He pulls your jeans and underwear down the rest of your legs until you lay there bare before him. He inhales sharply at the sight of you. He could see the way you glisten for him, he could feel it on his hand when he had spanked you, your arousal having begun to trail down the tops of your thighs, he moaned at the sight.

His hand comes flying down, this time spanking you roughly on your pussy causing you to lurch forward into the sheets, crying out his name pathetically again. He leans over you, keeping his hand clutched tightly around your cunt, feeling your juices seep between his fingers, you moan and try to press back into his hand but he just slaps it again, your eyes screwing shut. He’s nearly got his entire weight on top of you, his hot breath fanning across your cheek as he comes close to your face.

“You’re so fucking wet for me… you want it that badly?” You nod your head vigorously.

“Yes! Yes, Charlie I want you, I-I need you so badly, please.”

“Hmmm, what do you need?”

“Anything, y-your fingers…”

“Where”

“... in me, in me please.” You’re completely desperate, your crying and sobbing from earlier making you especially weak to his ways, his voice, his body. God, he could do anything to you, and you would let him, you would beg him, you would thank him.

Slowly, Charlie sinks one thick finger into your soaking cunt. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as he pumps it slowly, in and out, in and out of you. You try and push your hips back to meet the small thrust of his finger but he keeps you pinned down.

Charlie could feel you clenching around his single digit and he groaned next to your ear, nibbling on the soft lobe as he continued his ministrations. You whined, withered underneath the weight of his body, his hot chest pressing into your back, pressing you into the mattress. 

“Charlie, please I-”

“What? You need more? You need more from me?”

“Please.” Charlie draws his index finger out of you before joining it with his middle one, probing your entrance teasingly, swirling his fingers around it but never going in.

“Fuck-”

“Do you think you deserve it?” He didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve you, your pussy, none of it. He was only projecting his worthlessness onto you. He didn’t mean it, he couldn’t.

“N-no.” You say, tears welling in your eyes from a multitude of things. Overstimulation being one of them. You tried to get your hips to stop pressing into his hand but it was so hard when the temptation was right there.

“No… you don’t.” He kisses the tears that slip from your eye, pressing a finger to your mouth and you gladly take it in, laving your tongue around his salty, rough skin. His two fingers at your entrance finally push in deeper, causing you to cry out around his finger that was in your mouth, drool slipping past your lips.

Then he starts pumping, quickly, and you can’t stop the way your hips push into his hand, trying to meet him halfway through his thrusts, needing more so badly. You moan around his fingers, he echoes your moans back into your ear. You can feel his cock filling out, getting harder and harder against the back of your legs where it still lays confined in his underwear.

All too quickly he pulls his fingers from you and spanks your pussy again, you choke on a cry around the finger that’s still in your mouth. You’re already wrecked, and he’s nowhere near done with you.

“You only get to cum on my cock, understand?” You nod your head with vigour, eyes trying to meet his from where he’s positioned, behind you yet over top of you. You can feel him moving around, pulling his fingers from your mouth and his underwear off as best as he can without moving too far away from you.

“I understand, Charlie.” You cry, the tears unrelenting at this point, beyond your control.

Fuck, what weas he doing? Why was he doing this now?

What other way did he really have though, to show you what you mean to him? Definitely not words, no. No matter how much he writes for the theatre, words could never come close to describing what he feels for you, what he needs from you, wants from you, what he wants to give to you, tell you, provide you. None of it, no language would do.

Nothing would come closer to his body on you, in you, moving in tandem with you, hearts so close together that he loses sense of himself and just feels you wrapped so tightly around him in every sense. That’s the only way he could show you, the only way he could tell you.

He grabs his cock in his hand, pumping himself slowly and rests his head on your shoulder, groaning into your skin at the sensation. “Beg.” He spits, his lips moving against your flesh. He rubs the head of his cock against your slick folds and you yelp, pressing your hips back but he anticipated it, drawing his hips back, away from you.

“Charlie, please I-I need you so badly, I’ve never wanted… anything else but you, I just- please, I need you so bad, I-I, l...love-”

“I told you not to fucking say it.” He grits from behind clenched teeth, slapping your ass harshly and you let a sob leave your lips. The burn was so good.

“I-I’m sorry, I can’t help it-” You whine, fists bunching up the sheets with a grip so deadly your skin is turning white. He lets his head drop to your shoulder again, his own eyes screwing shut, trying to will his own tears away as he continues to run his cock along your pleading entrance, collecting whatever arousal has seeped out of you.

“Fuuuck, perfect little pussy... so desperate for my cock, isn’t it?” He mutters, almost to himself as he watches the way his cock moves between your glistening folds. Unashamed, you keep crying, moaning at the feeling of his big cock so close to where you need him most, nodding your head.

“Please, Charlie I need you inside m- fuck, just put it in, please-”

Your breath hitches in your throat as you feel him press in with the tip, letting the spongy head break through your folds and slightly dip into your entrance. Your fists clench and unclench against the sheets. With a sharp ‘fuck’ Charlie presses the rest of his long, thick cock into you, both of you moaning and breathing in one another.

He lets his cock sit in you, coming to interlock his fingers with yours, pinning your hands above your head, elongating both of your bodies but mostly yours, from how much longer his body is. Only then does he start snapping his hips into yours, letting his thrusts punch out your moans and cries from your chest.

At this angle, he’s hitting places inside of you so deep you never thought you could fathom, filling you up to the brim, you swear you can feel him in your stomach, punching your guts into your throat with every violent thrust.

You moan his name without relent, it’s the only thing you could possibly ever know. Charliecharliecharliecharliecharlie to infinity. You never wanted to know anything else, no other thought suddenly as interesting as him. He was the only thing that mattered. The way his cock filled you was dizzying, mind-numbing, and bone-shattering.

“You always need me so badly, you could never leave me, never leave this cock. Desperate little slut.” Charlie groans, head resting on your back as his powerful thrusts push you up the bed. He latches a hand around one of your hips, trying to keep you pinned down.

“You would never fucking leave me, you’d never fucking do it.” He continues, maybe to himself. You can feel him nuzzling his face into the skin on your shoulder, kissing and biting the skin, leaving a mark in his wake like he always does.

“I won’t, Charlie- I won’t, I promise.” You hiccup, his thrusts unrelenting in their assault. You could feel your release building, that bright white feeling rising inside of you. The only sounds in the room were your breathy moans, Charlie’s growls and the loud slap of skin on skin, his hips colliding with your ass every time.

“Dont ever say that s-shit again- dont ever fucking leave me. Don’t - ever. Fucking. Leave.” He growled, biting your shoulder and punctuating his words with harsher thrusts, fucking into you.

“I’m s-sorry Charlie-” You’re cut off by a sensation on your back. Hot, wet, slippery. Charlie sniffles. 

He’s crying, burning holes into your flesh as they land on your back. Your own eyes well up all over again. The pleasure of his cock deep, deep, deep inside you and the emotions flowing through both of you was overwhelming, overstimulating, your mind was going blank, you felt like you would black out.

You hear it then, his quiet cries, the way his chest shakes as he finally lets it go, lets it out. And then he’s suddenly pulling out of you, grabbing one of your ankles and one side of your hip, flipping you over quickly, hiking your legs back up around his waist and continuing his punishing, relentless pace. You moan embarrassingly loudly as you watch the way his stomach flexes into you, the way his chest tightens and constricts, the flush that spreads from in between his marvelous pecs to his cheeks, his dark wet eyes, the red that fills them, the way his eyelashes clump together, making them look longer, darker, the dark halo of hair that frames his face. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It was beyond you at this point, you couldn’t stop what was already put into motion.

“Oh, Charlie…” You cry, chest arching into his, your nails scraping his biceps. He moans at the pain, dropping his forehead to yours. You’ve never heard him moan like this, never seen him cry like this, never seen him so lost and completely gone in you.

Even if it was a mistake.

Even if you would regret it tomorrow.

Or five minutes from now.

Or immediately afterwards.

It was the truth, your truth. His truth. It was the only thing you could ever possibly know.

“I love you.” You cry, burning tears streaming down your cheeks. Charlie’s eyes meet yours, lost, delirious, shocked.

“You… y-you can’t.” He doesn’t tell you to stop this time. Doesn’t tell you to shut up, doesn’t tell you how dumb and pathetic it is to love him. You love him.

“I do, Charlie I-I do. Fuck, I love you so fucking much.” You whine, nails biting the skin on his back. His hips never stop, he’s fucking common sense and all things rational out of your mind. All you know is him. All you ever want to know is him, Charlie.

His chin wobbles, moans escape past his lips as he refuses to stop fucking you, his cock so fucking hard it hurts him, almost more than this. Almost more than the chant that has started to leave your lips, the floodgates have been opened and you can’t stop your confession now.

“I love you, I love you- shit, Charlie I love you, I love you so much, I love your fucking cock, fuck!” You couldn't stop, you felt like you could never stop at this point. You never wanted to stop saying it, never wanted to stop telling him. You loved him, you loved him, you loved him.

“You’re… you’re not real… you’re- fuck, too fucking good for m-me.” Charlie gasps, his hips speeding up, his cock growing harder somehow. You feel him pulse inside of you. Your eyes roll into the back of your head, mouth hanging agape, no sound being emitted from you. Charlie moves his lips down to your exposed throat, kissing and sucking on the delicate skin before wrapping a firm hand around it, not squeezing too tight.

“Yours.” You manage to choke out, gripping onto his wrist that's at your throat with all the strength you had with your body gone pleasure weak. Charlie moans your name, it makes you cry more.

“I’m yours, Charlie.” You manage to say more clearly, using all your willpower to look him in the eyes. His eyes are blown black, the dark circles underneath them so, so pigmented. You could feel the crescendo building, he was about to break. His lips were glossy, spit slicked and roughly bitten.

“You’re mine.” He confirms, more to himself than to you. He just… he felt like he could never be sure enough. Like he would never believe that you were his. That you were in love with him.

You nod your head, hands interlocking behind his head, gripping tightly into his hair.

“I’m yours, yours.” You keen, hips rolling into his as you both neared your release. His hand around your throat keeps you pinned in place as his fucks you into the mattress, moaning, groaning, crying your name. The slight added pressure makes you see stars, your pussy flutters around his cock and your back arches, pressing your chest into his but Charlie keeps you exactly where you are, your body convulsing as you cum, cum, cum around his cock, screaming his name.

“M’gonna cum, gonna f-fucking cum s-so deep inside, fill you up-”

“Please, Charlie.” You whine, dumb from the high that he continues to fuck you through, tears stained on the skin of your cheeks. You tug on his hair roughly, meeting his thrusts with a roll of your hips and that sends Charlie over the edge.

“Fhuuuck-” He lifts his head slightly, to look at you better as he splits you open one final time, his cock stilling in the deepest parts of you before he cums so fucking deep inside your pussy with the most guttural moan.

He fucks his cum back in to you until it’s seeping back out onto his cock. He groans so loudly you feel it in your bones. His hands wrap around your upper body, holding you tightly as he spins to lay on the mattress, holding your body to his chest, his cock still nestled deep inside of you.

Charlie gives you a small thrust, pushing and mixing his cum with yours one final time. You gasp and cling to him, your nails digging slightly into his muscular pec at the sensation, the delicious burn. You feel so incredibly full, so full of your Charlie. You love him.

“I lo-”

“I love you.”

Your heart must have stopped beating, your lungs, forgotten their functionality, your brain short circuited, your limbs incapacitated.

You looked up at him with those big, shiny wet eyes. You looked like a fawn, lost on the side of the road who just found someone who could help them. Someone kind, someone gentle, honest, safe, warm. Someone worth loving. He was worth loving. Charlie was worth loving.

But you already knew that.

He said it again, so low in the dark room, the dark night, eclipsed with spilled feelings and sweat, tears too. So many fucking tears. His voice so low it almost didn’t register, the deep vibrato rumbling your insides and warming you up all over again. 

He said it with you curled up on his chest, he said it again when you moved up his body to press your face into the crook of his neck, pressing your lips to his bruised skin, he said it as tears spilled from your eyes. He would say it as you fell asleep on him in the deadly hours of the night and again in the morning when you woke. He would remind you constantly, he couldn’t stop, couldn’t hold it in. Not anymore.

He would tell you he loves you a million and one times from then on, until you didn’t want to hear it from him anymore. 

tag list! @morby @shesakillerkween @gamingaquarius​ 

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

yes i did this during my lunch break (and in english)

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Mm, if not lifelong than like a good amount of years. They occasionally also see other people though (poly coded)

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - T had to think about actually dating Klaus before getting into it. She looked into his past, everything. She didn’t want to be hurt. Klaus, however was like “mm, personality, shes pretty, smart, im in.”

How was their first kiss? - It was pleasant, it was random, after T met Klaus’ siblings. It wasn’t out of nowhere, but she was like :Thank you for introducing me to your broken family. *smooch*”Casual, but not casual.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Klaus did. It wasn’t big either, he was just like “do weddings appeal to you?” and she’s always been on the fence about getting married, but she figured to might as well do it.

Who is the best man/men? - Klaus had Diego as his best man actually.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - T had her mom as her maid of honor.

Who did the most planning? - They both did equal planning. They’d talk it over and everything, but T likes to have everything exact, so she looked over everything, over and over until she found it fine enough.

Who stressed the most? - Klaus, actually. T enjoys putting things in order, and planning, but Klaus was worried about how everything would go. He wanted to make sure everything went right, and that most of all, T was happy.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.  It was a forest wedding, so kinda big, but small enough as to where it felt special.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding?- Anyone that even remotely made T feel uncomfortable. If they were gonna cause issues, they can do it elsewhere. The trees didn’t want to hear arguing. (her one aunt who didn’t want her marrying a white man)

Sex:

Who is on top? - Topazi Um, they’re both switches, but it honestly depends on the mood. If one of them had a rough day, then the other would be the top. 

Who is the one to instigate things? - Either of them, it depends.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now. One look and the clothes are off (or on they’re kinky fucks)

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head. T’s fairly kinky, and so is Klaus, so they combine it to create just *sighs*. Their closets have a specific section for sex toys, spicy clothes.

How long do they normally last? - It depends. If they start when they’re high energy, it’ll be for longer, but if it’s later in the day, or after work, it’s for less time. an hour or so.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Mm, sometimes. If T gets frustrated with herself, and she might be in a bit of a tizzy, Klaus’ll step in and she’ll focus on his pleasure instead of her own. But T usually has more than Klaus, usually 2 more.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. If the mood calls for it, Topazi won’t hesitate to absolutely ruin Klaus. She really likes it rough, and so does Klaus, but they like being gentle every now and then.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory. T is touch oriented, and rarely ever doesn’t want to be touched in some way. She wants all of the hugs during aftercare, and Klaus is very happy to give it to her.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - None. T thought about having kids, but she doesn’t trust her body, or herself, so she just doesn’t do it.

How many children will they adopt? - They have pets. (a snake and two kitties)

Who is the stricter parent? - T. She’ll be like “Miko, I told you not to jump off the counter.” but Klaus is like “let him be, he’s just a little shaken up.” but no like water bottles, just a mild scolding.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - T used to do a lot of cooking, but Klaus also tag teams her. Especially if it’s a huge meal. 

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Klaus won’t do oatmeal, or anything mushy. But T is like “if this even looks wrong, I’m not eating it.” It doesn’t matter who cooks it though, she’ll eat from anyone, but if something looks or tastes different than how she’s used to eating it, she’ll eat some out of respect, but in the end may just get more safe things like water, fruit etc. 

Who does the grocery shopping? - Both of them. T writes the list (bc she’s very detailed), and they both get half of the list and tag-team. But T has told Klaus what’s safe, what’s not, all that. 

How often do they bake desserts? - Almost every weekend. They’re both a bit impulsive, Klaus more than T, so they have an entire fridge dedicated to baking items.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - T rarely ever eats red meat, and Klaus’ll eat anything, so it’s a big mix between the two of them. She tries to get everything balanced, then she gets cravings and everything is thrown out of the window.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Klaus. He likes repaying T, and whenever T tries to do something nice, something pops up and she can’t. It’s also best for him to do tiny things, not big things, so she doesn’t feel like it’s a competition between the two of them. 

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Klaus. Topazi wants to go out and everything, and she’s impulsive, but never really does anything about it.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Klaus because he almost fucked the kitchen up when he was high and forgot to put his blunt out (the paper towels caught fire, yada yada)

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - T does a lot of cleaning. Not that she feels like she has to, she just enjoys it, plus it gives her a sense of completion.

Who is really against chores? - Klaus sometimes. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, they usually just creep up on him when he really doesn’t want to do them.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Both of them do it equally. Klaus moreso than T though, because one wrong inhale and she’s ill.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Klaus. He can forget about something and it’s just gone. His object permanence is shitty.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Neither of them. T likes company, and people over, but she does try to make sure no naughty things are left out for people to see.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - T almost threw it away, (it was balled up), but she was like “hmm my brain is trying to tell me something” so she was like “oh hells yeah money”

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Depends, but mostly Klaus, because he does his thinking in the shower (like his dad). T, however, knows she’s gonna look like a fucking cherry when she gets out, and she needs to keep her skin not flaky.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Um-. If they had a dog, it would be either one of them, but Klaus more often than T, because when she’s painting or gardening, she can’t be bothered to focus on anything other than what she’s doing at that moment.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Very lack-luster. For xmas, they have a tree, but T puts stupid shit around the house. For Easter, she painted an egg pink and labeled it as “the easter bunny’s left testicle” and for Halloween, they have a spooky corner. She can’t do pranks though, she understands them, but she’ll scream then immediately kick to defend herself.

What are their goals for the relationship? - T wants to enjoy what life she has with Klaus. She just wants someone to love her and keep her company.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Both of them. Topazi likes cuddles, and sometimes the sleep is so good you have to just stay down. Plus, she’s her own boss, and their animals are smarter than they initially thought, but if she hears the fucking snake tank open, her eyes are wide fucking open. 

Who plays the most pranks? - Even though she gets a bit frustrated from them, T likes to do cute pranks. You know those toys that you throw and they stick to something, she’ll do those. And Klaus throws like sticky tack at the wall. Those she can handle. But she doesn’t understand the purpose of someone fake sneezing on her. (like me, please dont do that shit, i dont like it)

[under-the-blue-sun]

vanilla softserve sort of day

summary: dan doesn't want to go outside today, but when his best friend and crush phil lester turns up at his doorstep...well, he had to change his plans a little. 

word count: 4117

rating: teen & up for swearing, but it’s mostly just fluff

warnings: profanity

note: first(ish) phanfic so uh hello phanfic community nice to meet you i guess. this is a little rushed and crappy but im putting this out there anyway so let’s just see how that goes. inspired by liana flores’ softserve - please check her out, the link is here and she is amazing and so underrated i love her so much.

read on ao3 | read on ff.net

dear diary laptop thingy, 

today began as a perfectly sunny day. and when i mean perfect, i mean absolutely perfect. i wasn't dying and sweating because of the heat, but it wasnt cold enough so i would shiver to death. the perfect weather to go outside, run around in a park and walk my dog. so obviously i stayed inside, sleeping till eleven am. that is, until i was woken up by the doorbell. i leapt out of bed and ran to the door in my pajamas. i know that that's bad, but in my defense i thought that my brother had left something at home and he was coming back to get it. it was holidays for me, but my brother's last day of school was today and my mother had to go to work. and as far as i was aware, my mum had not ordered anything online since she swore off it so i couldn't see how it could be anyone either than my brother and my mother, for who would want to see me?

yet, i opened the door and saw the one and only phil lester.

now i know you do not want to read through another in-depth description of phil lester. i was just rereading my other few entries and uh, i wrote a lot of things about his appearance and personality. but he did truly looked stunning, just standing there at my front door. somehow, he had looked even better since he got the very fashionable quiff and since he started to embrace his glasses. he was wearing a blue shirt and jeans, which accentuated his beautiful blue-green-yellow eyes and he had his dog, buffy, on a lead. she tried to run forward to greet me, almost choking herself, but phil held her back. and then he fucking smiled at me, which, as normal, was fucking death, which is a bit of an issue when he smiles a lot and he's your best mate, but i swear to fucking god, his smile could light up the entire world.

"hi." he said, still fucking smiling.

"i didnt expect you." i noted, like a reasonable human.

"yas, you didnt. nice pajamas." he said.

of course. of all the days, i just had to be wearing my wonder woman pajamas. i fucking hate this world.

"yeah, they are pretty nice. what are you doing here?" i asked, pretending i wasn't embarrassed.

he fiddled with his fingers, acting adorably flustered. god, i fucking love him. "well...you said you were home alone this week and that you were going to be really bored. so i thought i could, you know, turn up as a surprise." he said. i blinked.

"i dont...have anything planned." i said. he laughed, his stupid tongue sticking out of his beautiful teeth. god, please murder me.

"i know you dont, you spork. it is sunny out today, so i was wondering whether you wanted to go on a train with me to the beach?" he said.

i didnt respond for a few seconds so i could process this information. he is so fucking cute?? and nice?? i did not understand, so daniel.exe just shut down. but like?? still??? i said i was going to be bored on the week and that i had nothing to do, so he turned up at my front step and asked whether i wanted to spend some time with him. like who?? would do that??? honestly, he really was the best friend ever. 

"it's okay if you don't want to, i was just asking, you don't have to, there's no pressure!" phil said quickly, his face turning red. it was only then that i realised i hadnt said anything for like a whole minute. oops.

"no, no, i would love to! i was just...surprised that you would think of coming here and asking whether i wanted to spend time with you." i quickly said, trying to make up for my mistake.

"you were surprised i wouldn't at least come and say hi after hearing my best friend was bored and free during the week? daniel james howell, i am truly disappointed in you." phil said, shaking his head. 

so i took sookie, my dog (yas, phil and i have matching pup names) and wore my sunglasses. i wore the first clothes in my closet that were reasonably presentable (black, of course) and i went to the door. phil was on his phone playing crossy road (probably as the emo goose) and didn't notice me come out of the house.

"um...hello?" i said. he went pink, embarrassed he didn't notice me beforehand, and looked at me for a while. all i was thinking was fuck, i probably look bad.

"is there something on my face?" i asked. he went pinker and shook his head.

"no, it's nothing." he replied. "let's go!"

the train trip was as breezy as the wind today and before i knew it, we were at the beach. phil tried to chase some seagulls to talk to them like the dork he is, but i pulled him away.

"aww. but i could have been the next doctor dolittle." he complained. i rolled my eyes.

"we already discussed this. you cannot become a doctor, as you would be known as dr. phil and that title already belongs to one human and it will continue to belong to one human only." i said sternly. he pouted.

"but what if i legally changed my name? then could i become the next doctor dolittle?" he begged.

"what would you even change your name to? mo?" i asked, struggling to not smirk. 

"mo? mo...lester. what? no! i dont want my name to be the word someone who sexually assaults others! i would change my name to...sylvester. then i could become sylvester lester!" he exclaimed.

"sylvester lester from manchester." i said with a grin.

"yeah! i like it!" he said. he looked so fucking happy, how could he ever want to spend time with me, who literally sucks the happiness out of everything? truly one of the world's greatest mysteries.

"it does have quite a ring to it," i admitted, "maybe you should change your name."

"then i could be doctor dolittle! well, the equivalent of him. doctor sylvester lester from manchester who goes on...questers...to communicate with other animals." he exclaimed. i shook my head.

"no phil, you ruined it. questers? really?" i said.

"i couldn't think of anything else that would rhyme!" he protested. i shook his head. sookie shook his head with me.

"see, even sookie knows what's up!" i said. 

"well, buffy would never betray me, so take that!" phil retorted playfully. he then suggested we go grab some lunch, so we went to the local cafe and got some fish and chips. 

it was a cute cafe. there was hardly anyone there as it was still technically a working day, which was good for us as we got an outdoor table for our dogs. sookie hungrily stared at my food, hoping for a chip or two. even though my mum hates giving sookie human food, she wasn't here to tell me not to give her any, so i gave in and allowed her to take some of my chips. while i was feeding sookie under the table, i listened to phil talk.

"did you know that a lot of fish in fish and chips is actually shark?" he said. i raised my eyebrows.

"i refuse to believe that. where did you hear it?" i asked with doubt.

"i don't know, i think someone told me on this science camp or something, i don't know." he replied, visibly attempting to recall where he heard it.

"right, okay, really reliable source there. even if it's true, i don't care. i don't care if this is raw shark, or raw octopus or some shit, it tastes good so i'm going to continue eating it." i said.

"octopus tastes different from regular fish, dan. i think you would know if you were eating raw octopus." phil pointed out.

"i don't care! i don't care! watch me! i don't care!" i exclaimed. phil laughed as he shook his head.

we finished the meal in ten seconds flat, like the ravenous, greedy brutes we were and then i paid, despite phil's protests. 

"why did you pay? i should have paid! this is my treat to you!" phil exclaimed, continuing to argue even after we had left the cafe.

"yeah, and that is my thanks to you for taking me out." i said back. he huffed.

"yeah, but i wanted to treat you." he said. 

"if you wanna try me, get me a ninety-nine." i said, pointing at the ice cream truck ahead. he groaned.

"but they're always so expensive. way more expensive than it should be, anyway." he whinged.

i shrugged. "i mean, if you wanna treat me -"

"yas, i'll get you a ninety-nine!" he blurted out, interrupting my sentence. "i might as well get myself one as well."

and soon, i had a vanilla softserve in my hand and an irritated phil to my right.

"why are they even called ninety-nines when they're not even ninety-nine pence?" phil asked.

"it's actually because italian people thought -" i began, but phil cut me off.

"i don't want to hear. they should be ninety-nine pence is all i'm saying." phil griped. 

"if you don't want your ninety-nine, you can go ahead and give it to me," i offered. 

"no, it's still mine." phil said. he stuck his tongue out at me, then took a huge lick of the ice cream.

"or is it?" i said. i leaned over and licked his ice cream.

"hey!" he cried. he leant over and licked my ice cream.

"see? now we're even steven. no need to get angry." i said. he shook his head while i manically cackled.

"race you!" phil shouted. i stopped laughing and i saw him in the distance, already running.

"wha - i -" i stuttered, before sprinting as well. by the time we just got to the end, we were both huffing and puffing, unable to breathe.

"i...beat...you." phil said, exhaling after each word. my brain protested "because you had a head start!" but my body was unable to comply, and all that came out was "head...start.". phil and i simultaneously collapsed on the floor.

after five minutes, i stood up and looked at where we had run from.

"you know, it wasn't that far, we're just grossly unfit." i observed.

"the things we sacrifice to play hours of video games." phil replied, shaking his head. "hey, how about we go on the beach?"

before i could reply, phil was on the beach, looking up at me with a grin. i shook my head.

"now sand is going to be in your socks and shoes." i pointed out. he threw his vans to the side and stripped his socks off.

"there!" he declared. "problem fixed!"

"phil!" i exclaimed. he tilted his head in confusion.

"what?" he said innocently.

"you can't just - oh, whatever," i said, giving in. i jumped down to the beach and i took off my socks and shoes.

"happy?" i asked, both eyebrows raised. he smiled, eyes crinkling with happiness.

"very." he said. he lay down on the beach, but jumped up abruptly.

"what?" i asked. he rubbed his back and dug in the sand with his fingers. he plunged his hand in and pulled out a huge conical shell.

"woah, look at this!" phil said with a huge grin.

"was that sticking up your back?" i asked. he nodded solemnly. i laughed loudly and obnoxiously as he pouted. he was so cute when he pouted. why did i have to go through this? this was straight up homophobia.

"hey, let's look for more shells!" he said.

"why?" i groaned.

"because it'll be fun?" he said, with puppy dog eyes. i groaned, but decided to humour him anyway.

"where are you going to put the shells, phil?" i asked. he pointed at his hoodie pocket.

"in here, of course!" he said. 

"how many shells would you even be able to fit in there?" i asked. he shrugged.

"as many as i can. come on, let's hunt for shells!" he said, already running across the beach with buffy and sookie. i sighed and chased after him, trying not to grin after he started screaming.

and it turns out he was right. with a little help from my hoodie pocket, we managed to collect a whole lot of shells. somehow, we had managed to spend hours on the beach, rolling in the sand and grabbing shells.

"we should probably have dinner now." i said. he laughed and shook his head.

"what?" i asked innocently.

"nothing. just the people in the restaurant will probably think we're crazy, covered in sand and pockets bulging with shells." he said. i looked at him, his hair in the wind and his multicoloured eyes somehow matching perfectly with the sea. his face looked beautiful under the light of the sunset, and of course his smile was just as stunning as it was this morning at the front door. suddenly, i started laughing too, and he started laughing harder, and soon we couldn't stop until we were just two idiots with one shared brain cell, laughing our head off till we couldn't breathe.

to be honest, i don't know what was so funny. it wasn't phil's best joke, nor his cheesiest, nor his dirtiest or his most ironic. maybe it was just the absurdity of it all, that we had spent our entire day collecting shells on the beach with our dog. but at that moment, i was certain it was because of the impossible existence that was phil and how he managed to be so fucking beautiful and nice. that's why i was laughing anyway, i have no idea why phil was laughing his head off.

"yeah, let's wait for awhile before dinner. you can come to my place if you want?" i offered. he shook his head.

"nah, it's fine. i'll just go home and have dinner there." he said. 

"please. have dinner with me. it'll be my treat back to you for making sure i didn't stay inside sleeping all day." i said, practically begging. i looked at him as the breeze blew against his face, and at that particular moment i was more in love with him than i ever could've imagined someone could be.

he looked back at me for a while, then relented. he smiled and shuffled closer towards me.

"sure. i'll love to have dinner with your family." he said.

we sat in comfortable silence, looking off into the horizon.

"the beach during sunset really is beautiful." i observed.

"yeah. really." he eloquently replied. i turned to him, and realised he was still looking at me.

"fuck, i can't deal with this anymore." he muttered. i frowned, quizzical.  and then he interrupted my thoughts and kissed me.

my brain went completely empty of all the thoughts i was thinking before and all the logic i normally apply to situations. i stopped thinking about the maths homework i was supposed to do, and how we had to go all the way back to the other end of the beach to get our shoes and socks back if they were still there, and how the weather forecast said that it might rain later this evening. the only thing that i was thinking about was how phil, my best friend, crush, soulmate and companion through life, fucking liked me back and that he was fucking kissing me.

holy shit. even now as i'm typing this, i still can't believe it. this kind of thing only happened in cliche rom-com tv shows and movies. but yet it was still happening. Philip Michael Lester, the attractive, polite, intelligent, thoughtful, kind human being, was kissing Daniel James Howell, the impolite, sarcastic, idiotic, emo, ironic demon. just...fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

"i really like you dan." phil said quietly, avoiding my eyes. i took his hand and placed it in mind.

"i really like you too." i said, smiling. he looked up at me and smiled. we sat, hand-in-hand, and watched the sunset in silence.

"let's go home." i said.

"let's go home." he repeated.

so we walked to the other end of the beach, our bare feet making temporary footprints across the barren sand.

we collected our shoes and socks (which phil forgot about before i reminded him) and then we went on the train, but we were too exhausted to talk. emotionally tired or physically tired, i don't know. but we sat on the train hand in hand, trying not to drift to sleep. unfortunately, i epically failed at that because soon i woke up to phil nudging me at our stop. after a five minute walk from the train station we arrived at my house. i knocked at my door, and waited for an answer. i heard footsteps, and soon adrian answered the door.

"dan, i'm proud of you. i was surprised you even went out of the house, but i had faith that you would. mum thought you were kidnapped, but obviously you're okay. oh, hi phil! we weren't expecting you." adrian said. oops. i kind of forgot to tell mum that phil was coming. i'm sure it was fine. 

"hi adrian! can you ask your mum whether it's okay for me to have dinner with you? tell her it's fine if i can't, i wouldn't want to butt into your family dinner." phil said. ugh, what a gentlemen. how the fuck did he like me? if i was him i wouldn't like me. what was this sorcery???¿?¿¿¿   

adrian nodded and ran back to the kitchen. he shouted back to us saying it was okay, and we went in.

the dinner went smoothly. as i predicted, phil made adrian laugh with his cheesy jokes and he was incredibly polite to my mum. i had told my mum while phil went to the bathroom that we were dating now, and i could tell that the only thing that went through her head was "ideal son-in-law". which was good i guess, if also somewhat embarrassing.

as soon as we started the dessert course, it started raining outside. 

"you boys just missed the rain, didn't you?" my mum said, looking out the window.

"good luck, i guess." i replied, focusing on my apple pie.

"or maybe the universe meant it to be like that." phil said. i looked up at him.

"probably luck." adrian decided, interrupting our moment.

despite my mum's protests, phil soon started to get ready to go, hoodie pocket still bulging with shells. i had put my shells in my room the minute we came back in, but poor phil had to carry them all throughout dinner. 

"i'll count them when we get home and we can see how many shells we collected together." phil promised.

"or we could have a competition to see who has the most shells." i proposed. 

"i gave some of mine to you, so that's not fair." phil said. i clicked my tongue.

"excuses, excuses." i said, shaking my head.

"are you sure you don't want to stay here for the night?" my mum said, concerned.

"it's fine, ma'am. i need to go home and do some things i was supposed to do this afternoon, but i was held up." he said, looking at me.

"you invited me!" i protested. 

"i know, i wasn't blaming you. but it's fine ma'am, i want to go home." phil said. mum sighed.

"at least make me give you a lift." she said.

"it's -"

"phil lester, it is raining outside. i do not want your mother calling me saying i let you to walk out in the rain, allowing you to catch a cold! i know your address, let me drive you there. dan, adrian, do you want to come?" my mum said. adrian shook his head.

"sure." i said.

"good, let's go. adrian, don't do anything or you're grounded." mum said. ah, what a legend.

the second we got in the car, holding hands in the backseat, my mum showered us with congratulations. she revealed she had been shipping us since grade three, which made me confused and worried, and she said that she always knew i liked phil.

"mum!" i said while phil laughed.

"what? it was as obvious as day. even before you told us you were gay, i knew that you thought phil as something either than platonic. and don't laugh too hard mr lester, i always knew you liked him too. i'm just amazed it took this long for you to get together to be honest." mum said.

"well, we're both oblivious and nerdy, so that might be why." phil said. mum chuckled.

"yas, that is true. that's very true." mum said. we then chatted about music and literature, and before we knew it we were at phil's place. it had somehow stopped raining on the drive, but i was still wet so mum told us to be careful.

"thank you for taking me ma'am." phil said honestly.

"that's okay phil. it's been nice seeing you again. you're welcome at our house at any time. i'll let you two say goodbye." mum said.

phil got out of the car, making sure he didn't drop any shells from his pocket.

"make sure to count those shells," i said while getting out of the car.

"i will." he said with a smile. god, those smiles still killed me. i kind of hoped that i would become immune to them after finding out he liked me, but i was also kind of grateful that i was still susceptible to the magic of phil's smile. still, it was irritating that i melted any time he felt moderately happy. it wasn't fair, it really wasn't fair.

"you wanna go to the movies tomorrow? i heard there's some good films in the cinema." i said.

"sure. my treat." he said.

"nope, you're not paying for it. i refuse to let you. you can pay for something else, but i will pay for the tickets." i said. he opened his mouth to argue, but closed it immediately after.

"we'll argue about this tomorrow. i'll go -" he started, but i interrupted.

"i'll be at your place. at eleven thirty sharp." i said. he raised his eyebrows.

"would you really?" he said.

"i will. you'll be sorry you ever doubted me." i replied.

"have you done mr folium's homework yet?" he asked.

"nope. i'll probably just google the answers." i said.

"you're going to regret doing that." he said.

"i know. but for now i'm just focusing on the present and not worrying about the future." i said.

"that's a good quote for our relationship, not so good for maths homework. but fine, you do you. i'll probably just google the answers as well." he said. i laughed.

"you're such a hypocrite." i said, shaking my head. he smirked.

"i know. it's one of the things you love about me, isn't it?" he said. i raised my eyebrows.

"your words, not mine." i said. we stood in silence, both unsure of what to say.

"i should probably get going." i said, breaking the silence. 

"yeah, same." he agreed. and there it was, that perfect silence yet again.

"i really like you." i began, but not sure of what else to say.

"yeah, same." he said. 

and then we kissed again. it sounds so casual, doesn't it? but it wasn't, it really wasn't. my heartbeat sped up and slowed down to match his, my palms started sweating with nerves and excitement, and my lips curled as it struggled to fathom what was happening. i wonder if every kiss with him would be like this. i wonder if i would ever stop loving him just as much. there's still so much i was unsure about, but for now i'll focus on the present and i'll let the future come when it comes. who knows how much - or how little - the world has in store for the two of us? let's face it, i'm just a seventeen year old boy really in love with another boy in my class who somehow liked me back. but couldn't be seventeen? that's all i wanted to be. and there was nowhere to go if didn't start the journey, and right now we were only just beginning.

today was a vanilla softserve sort of day, and i love vanilla softserves. signing off,

daniel howell 

[intoamoleskine]

Depression

Im so fed up with people claiming to understand depression.

It's so so so much worse they can imagine.

Living with depression means not taking holiday cause you need them when you can't go to work because you can't leave your bed.

It means saving not for your nice projects, but because you could potentially be stuck in your bed for 6 months starting tomorrow and you need money ready to pay the rent.

It means not having plans and be always ready to give them up cause you dont know which day youll wake up bad.

It means fight for months for then going back in 1 day to where you were, destroing everything.

It means being able to depend only on yourself, because no matter how much people want to help. Eventually they can't and you need to let them go, because it's your battle, not theirs.

It means not knowing happiness, cause you've been depressed since you were a child.

It means one day you're peaceful and it feels like the best day in the world, only because you can go to work and breathe, without your head screaming.

It means fighting always against yourself.

It means fighting daily against suicide.

It means hiding, because society is a construct unable to understand depression.

It means when you ask days off cause you cant go to work, people don't understand that its illness, even though you don't have fever.

It means not seeing colors, not understanding feelings, not being able to physically walk or talk. Your body doesn't have strenght for it, your muscles aren't toned enough.

It means your body doesnt physically have energies.

It means wondering how having relationships is, cause depression cut them all off for you.

It means loosing any chance to achieve something, because your depression is always on the way. And when you're fighting to stay alive, you cant also fight to achieve something else.

It means it doesnt matter how clever you are, you cant get the job you'd like, study what you want, move where you'd like, because you cant fight for it.

It means craving peace, not happiness. It means craving sadness, because if you would be sad, you could fight to not be sad. But your body is not sad, your body is physically depressed, together with your mind.

It means your body cant physically do what not depressed people can. No matter how much you want it or how much you fight for it. You physically can't.

It means starving for days.

It means craving water, because you cant get out of bed to take it. Your mouth dry.

It means your body shakes if you try to stand, you bones hurt because they can't sustain your weight.

It means not showering for weeks, ruining your hair to the point you can only just cut everything away, because they cant be untangled.

It means not being able to open the curtains, cause the light of the day is too strong and gives you terrible headaches.

It means when you finally change the sheets on the bed, open the window to change the air in the room and shower you realise what good smell means after weeks and realise how pathetic you are.

Depression is not nice.

Being depressed your all life is not cool. It's terrible.

Living knowing you cant get better is not nice. Its desperately hard to live like this.

Its so hard, you don't want people get attached to you, cause you learnt how bad they would feel. You know the gaze of pain your depression causes in other people's eyes and you prefer to stay alone rather than hurt people, cause pain is hard and you know pain is bad.

Depression is bad.

I wish i didn't know what depression is.

I wish i wasn't born, because no matter how many good memories i can potentially collect. Living is too too hard. It will never never be worth it. I can't even tell this to people, because they can't understand it. Even though is true. People have hope, but hope means more pain if you have depression. And you have to shut up to not worry people, to not make them angry, to not make them sad, to not make them fight your lost battle.

It means you are aware die would be better. However, you're so aware of what pain is, you dont die to avoid causing anyone disconfort. So you deal with your own dispair every day of your life, hoping to not wake up every single time you go to sleep. If you sleep.

And there's not even point in sleeping, because whether you get 2 hours or 24 hours of sleep in a day you will feel exausted anyways.

It will never be worth it to live.

It will never be worth it, but that's your secret to keep.

[incorrectchoniberonicaswangs]

hey baby won't you look my way (i can be your new addiction)

Chapter 7: gays you ever just ahsnfdjsl?? part 1

Chapter Summary: Holiday parties are planned, Cheryl and Toni are Kevin's sapphic moms, an intervention is held, Alice and Hermione are adorable and everyone loves them, Kangs has some news, and Sweet Pea runs away from his problems.

Notes: theMANtle: reggie

ao3

Friday, 3:17 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: its winter break!! finally a respite from the chaos!!

jugheadalones: im so excited!

hbicheryl: hold up, hobo is excited about something??

hisshissmotherfucker: ^^ jones are you sick

jugheadalones: okay, first of all fuck you

jugheadalones: second of all im excited to return to the near-comatose state i maintain every time we have a long period of time off from school

nopeaz: that makes more sense

veroffica: as enjoyable as that likely is to you, holden caulfield, it won't be happening this break. i'm hosting a christmas eve party at the pembrooke starting at 8:00 pm and you are all invited.

veroffica: and you'd better all show up, or else i'll sic my new bodyguard on you.

goingtoheller: i assume you mean betty.

wannabett: guilty :/

spillthefogarTEA: ill be there. and NOT because of your threats

spillthefogarTEA: even though betty is kind of intimidating

goingtoheller: i'll come as well.

nopeaz: cher and ill come too

hisshissmotherfucker: i love parties im there

jugheadalones: i dont suppose i really have a choice do i?

wannabett: not really. sorry jug

jugheadalones: fine.

hbicheryl: speaking of holiday parties

hbicheryl: new years eve party, thistlehouse, time tbd, if you arent there youre dead to me

veroffica: b and i will be there.

spillthefogarTEA: me too

goingtoheller: i'll be there.

hisshissmotherfucker: i hear cheryls parties are infamously dramatic

hisshissmotherfucker: so im definitely coming

hisshissmotherfucker: as long as i dont end up doing seven minutes in heaven with archie like veronica

veroffica: will nobody ever let me forget that??

hisshissmotherfucker: nope

jugheadalones: why do all these party invites come with threats of retribution if you dont attend?

hbicheryl: bc if there wasnt then youd never come

jugheadalones: ill come. begrudgingly.

nopeaz: and ofc ill be there obviously

jugheadalones: wait am i missing something? why is that obvious?

hbicheryl: oh right we didnt tell you lol

hbicheryl: tt moved in with me

goingtoheller: WHAT??

goingtoheller: my sapphic moms moved in together aND I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA??

hisshissmotherfucker: why is keller suddenly chonis kid when did this happen??

hbicheryl: please kevin is basically toni and i's love child

hbicheryl: he has my sass (well not as good as mine but hes trying), my gayness, and my strange desire for dumbass serpents

nopeaz: and my propensity for saying 'this is riveting i cant breathe'

goingtoheller: aw, thanks, moms! mostly! :)

nopeaz: no problem son

hbicheryl: yes we are very proud of you kev (mostly)

jugheadalones: huh i never actually thought about it but that... works?

wannabett: okay cheryl and toni are like the least qualified people here to be anyones lesbian moms?? theyre literally gang members??

hbicheryl: stfu nightmare smurfette do not EVER criticize my parenting skills

hbicheryl: toni and i have slaved for weeks, even MONTHS to make sure that kevin turns into a proper young gay man

hbicheryl: and you have the AUDACITY to suggest that just because my gf and i are deeply flawed people we would corrupt poor kevin??

wannabett: uh... no?

hbicheryl: thats what i thought

nopeaz: wow angry cheryl is scary but hot

spillthefogarTEA: topaz, you are so whipped

spillthefogarTEA: and REALLY fucking gay

nopeaz: yeah ik

jugheadalones: moving on

jugheadalones: speaking of people taking a big step and deciding to live with each other... betty and veronica, we need to talk.

veroffica: um... what?

veroffica: is this some sort of intervention?

hisshissmotherfucker: yes

spillthefogarTEA: moving in together might be considered friendly if, say, betty didnt already have a house that she lives in

nopeaz: but this decision is beyond simple friendship

hbicheryl: and its certainly anything but heterosexual

wannabett: why are you guys finishing each others sentences?? did you plan this??

hisshissmotherfucker: no shit sherlock

veroffica: how do you guys even have this information??

goingtoheller: we have our ways.

wannabett: archie somehow saw our texts through my window

wannabett: jughead told me last night, sorry i didnt tell you v, i didnt know that this was going to happen

nopeaz: dammit jones why do you have to ruin all our fun!!

jugheadalones: i didnt realize that this was a rule?

jugheadalones: so anyway

jugheadalones: b&v, now that you have been confronted with cold hard proof of your undying love for each other, what do you have to say for yourselves?

wannabett: guys im straight!!

goingtoheller: ooh, betty's pulling the straight card.

hbicheryl: i called it! tt, sp, fangs, and jughead, you all owe me $10

hbicheryl: cousin betty is nothing if not predictable in the face of her sexuality being questioned

veroffica: hey, you made bets on this?? not cool!

wannabett: ^^^^

wannabett: and i am NOT predictable!!

hbicheryl: i predicted she was going to say that

hbicheryl: thats another $10 guys

hisshissmotherfucker: for once i trusted in someones willingness to admit when they were wrong and now because of that cheryl is robbing us blind! smh never again

spillthefogarTEA: veronica? you never answered the question

veroffica: uh...

veroffica: i mean, um...

veroffica: we've never even kissed! i'm pretty sure we aren't dating!

nopeaz: to be fair though i wouldnt be surprised if you two were dating without knowing it

veroffica: guys, now really isn't a good time.

jugheadalones: mmmhmm

wannabett: no seriously v and i are getting ready for the christmas eve party

wannabett: its in three days remember

hbicheryl: ugh fine i suppose thats a reasonable explanation

veroffica: and since i know that you won't let this go, at the party you can ask us whatever you want about this.

goingtoheller: wait... for real?

wannabett: uh yeah really v??

veroffica: within reason, of course.

spillthefogarTEA: wow this is more than i expected to come from this

veroffica: one condition, though. you can't pester b and i about it before the party.

veroffica: deal?

hisshissmotherfucker: deal

wannabett: now that thats settled v and i are going to get to work

veroffica: we'll probably be off the grid until maybe a few hours before the party.

[wannabett is offline]

[veroffica is offline]

hbicheryl: toni and i are already headed over to pops, anyone want to join us?

jugheadalones: wont we just be three-wheeling?

hbicheryl: not if we are in a large group

hisshissmotherfucker: ill come if you come jones

jugheadalones: sure.

hisshissmotherfucker: ill be there in five

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

jugheadalones: kevin, fangs?

spillthefogarTEA: im good

goingtoheller: ^^

nopeaz: okay otw

[nopeaz is offline]

[hbicheryl is offline]

jugheadalones: leaving now

[jugheadalones is offline]

6:35 PM

nopeaz: GUYS YOULL NEVER BELIEVE WHO JUST WALKED IN

spillthefogarTEA: who is it??

spillthefogarTEA: tell me you know im not good with suspense!!

jugheadalones: its alice cooper and hermione lodge!

hisshissmotherfucker: it seems as though archies intel was correct again

hisshissmotherfucker: damn that omniscient fucking northsider

hbicheryl: now i really wish that betty and veronica werent offline so they could hear about this

goingtoheller: why? do you hate them?

hbicheryl: hate is a strong word

hbicheryl: id say that i just occasionally want them to suffer

goingtoheller: that isn't much better...

hbicheryl: i guess ill just have to wait until the party to tell them

nopeaz: okay so they just got a booth and its basically diagonal from ours

jugheadalones: but theyre so enamoured with each other i dont think they even noticed that were here

hbicheryl: wow i dont think ive ever seen aunt alice this happy before

spillthefogarTEA: ugh this sounds so adorable i wish i was there

hisshissmotherfucker: dont worry well narrate their every movement so well itll be like you are

nopeaz: oh shit they keep reaching for each other like every five seconds

spillthefogarTEA: im WEAK

jugheadalones: its so hard to believe that they ever hated each other with the way theyre acting now

jugheadalones: homophobia can really fuck shit up huh

goingtoheller: this is the couple i never knew i needed, but now that i have seen that it's possible, i'm in love.

hisshissmotherfucker: im in shock i cant believe that the same alice cooper that grounded her daughter from any and all contact with the outside world is now just essentially the personification of heart eyes

hbicheryl: this town is so small were all basically inbred

hbicheryl: next thing you know fp and fred are going to be fucking too

jugheadalones: okay i did NOT need that image

nopeaz: AHHHH THEY WENT IN FOR A KISS MAYDAY MAYDAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL

spillthefogarTEA: AHHHHH

goingtoheller: AHHHHHHH

nopeaz: AHHHHHHH

jugheadalones: even i, being asexual and aromantic, have to admit that im loving living vicariously through these two

hisshissmotherfucker: k so they stopped

hisshissmotherfucker: wait no theyre kissing again!

hisshissmotherfucker: and again!

hisshissmotherfucker: and again!

hisshissmotherfucker: okay now theyre just making out

nopeaz: get it girl(s)

hbicheryl: its getting pretty heated

hbicheryl: it feels like the windows are going to start fogging up

jugheadalones: oh damn they stopped

jugheadalones: ms cooper is waving pop over now

goingtoheller: is it creepy that we're so invested in their date?

spillthefogarTEA: probably not

hisshissmotherfucker: nah

jugheadalones: lets go with no

nopeaz: nope

hbicheryl: its only creepy if we get turned on

goingtoheller: moving on... what's happening now??

nopeaz: they got the check and now theyre paying

nopeaz: they can barely keep their hands off of each other

nopeaz: now theyre leaving

nopeaz: should i follow them to keep narrating?

goingtoheller: won't they notice??

jugheadalones: no theyve only got eyes for each other

jugheadalones: follow them SUBTLY while we hold down the table

nopeaz: roger that

hbicheryl: youre such a nerd

nopeaz: you love it

hbicheryl: duh

hbicheryl: now follow them!!

nopeaz: already doing it

nopeaz: so they made it to their car

nopeaz: okay wow wasnt expecting that but im not complaining

spillthefogarTEA: whats happening???

nopeaz: alice just shoved hermione up against the car door and now theyre hardcore making out

nopeaz: damn i wonder if theyre even going to get home or if theyre just going to do it in the parking lot

hisshissmotherfucker: i cant believe alice cooper and mayor lodge BOTH have better sex lives than i do wtf

goingtoheller: who knew that hermione lodge was such a bottom??

hbicheryl: well you know what they say about people in positions of power

hbicheryl: top in the streets bottom in the sheets

jugheadalones: wait cheryl that could apply to you as well

spillthefogarTEA: ooh is the class president getting the strap from the vice president

nopeaz: fuck off fangs

nopeaz: okay so they finally managed to regain some semblance of control

nopeaz: aaaaand theyre driving away

nopeaz: shows over folks

hbicheryl: lets clear out men

nopeaz: meet me by the bike cher

hbicheryl: be there in a sec babe xx

jugheadalones: wait are you telling me that cheryl blossom rode a motorcycle??

hisshissmotherfucker: yeah red i thought you said they were death traps

hbicheryl: well yeah but that was before i got on it

hbicheryl: its like a giant vibrator

hbicheryl: and riding it with toni is basically just the most acceptable type of public sex

goingtoheller: gross.

hisshissmotherfucker: never thought id agree with keller but yeah tmi

nopeaz: whatever

nopeaz: bye fuckers see you all at veronicas party

[nopeaz is offline]

[hbicheryl is offline]

jugheadalones: im headed out too

[jugheadalones is offline]

hisshissmotherfucker: me too

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

Monday, 6:43 PM

wannabett: b&v are back bitches!!

veroffica: and, looking through the chat from the past few days... i'm glad i was gone.

wannabett: although now i know what 'hot date' my mom was talking about :/

wannabett: even though i never wanted to know

wannabett: some things are best kept secret especially when your mom goes out on a date with your best friends mom!!

hbicheryl: youre welcome :)

veroffica: cheryl, at this very moment, i simultaneously respect, despise, and fear you.

hbicheryl: aw thanks thats what im always going for!

veroffica: anyway, the party will be starting in an hour or so, but some of my relatives will be over in the meantime. if you've got anything to say that doesn't involve the date my mom and betty's mom have, feel free. if you don't, go to hell.

hisshissmotherfucker: hey im in the neighborhood and i dont have anything else to do would you mind if i came over now

veroffica: sure thing!

hisshissmotherfucker: are you sure your relatives will be fine with me being there?

veroffica: yeah. i mean, betty's here too anyway!

hisshissmotherfucker: k

6:48 PM

goingtoheller + veroffica

goingtoheller: hey, would you happen to have some time you could set away during the party? fangs and i have an announcement we'd like to make.

veroffica: sure thing, kev. how does around 10 sound?

goingtoheller: perfect. thanks, v!

veroffica: no problem.

7:22 PM

gays united

hisshissmotherfucker: rn betty looks like she cant decide whether to be a guard dog or an excited puppy lmao

jugheadalones: context?

hisshissmotherfucker: veronicas greeting her relatives and bettys following her so closely shes practically stepping on her heels

goingtoheller: well, v is definitely holding betty's leash.

nopeaz: yeah veronicas got her by the collar

spillthefogarTEA: if betty doesnt watch her step then shes really going to be in the doghouse

wannabett: stop with the dog puns!! i am not a dog!!

hbicheryl: okay but you have to admit those were pretty good

wannabett: i will admit no such thing! now if youll excuse me im going to go back to talking to ronnies relatives with her

[wannabett is offline]

hisshissmotherfucker: i guess ill keep you all informed on their gay shenanigans

nopeaz: who even says shenanigans anymore??

hisshissmotherfucker: uh i do fight me

nopeaz: square up bitch

hbicheryl: if i had a dollar for every time tt and sp said that they were going to fight i would have enough money to rebuild thornhill

goingtoheller: cheryl, you're the one who burned it down in the first place.

hbicheryl: yes and??

goingtoheller: ...nevermind.

hisshissmotherfucker: im snoRTING

jugheadalones: what happened?

hisshissmotherfucker: so veronica was talking to one of her relatives right

hisshissmotherfucker: and the relative asks her if she has a boyfriend

hisshissmotherfucker: veronica laughs a little and says no so her relative looks at betty whos still trailing behind her like a shadow

hisshissmotherfucker: and knowingly says "oh i see, a girlfriend"

spillthefogarTEA: ajklfshagak i cant even

hisshissmotherfucker: both of them are sputtering uncontrollably unable to formulate a response im dying

hbicheryl: ahahah it was only a matter of time before something like this happened but im really glad it did

nopeaz: i mean relatives are supposed to know you better than anyone else right?

jugheadalones: oh b&v you oblivious wlw

goingtoheller: we're never letting them let this down, are we?

spillthefogarTEA: not a chance

hisshissmotherfucker: IT GOT BETTER

hisshissmotherfucker: veronica finally managed to speak and she (unconvincingly) insisted that she and betty were just friends etc etc and her relative just raised her eyebrows and went "mmhm"

nopeaz: drag themmmmm

hbicheryl: omg we stan

hisshissmotherfucker: im trying to stifle my laughter bc betty and veronica look like they want to murder me

hisshissmotherfucker: but you know what screw it its worth it

hisshissmotherfucker: oh shit bettys coming over here and she looks pissed

hisshissmotherfucker: hello punks, this is betty. i hope youve had your fun listening to sweet pea narrate everything but now im taking his phone and wont be giving it back until the party starts

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

jugheadalones: awww

goingtoheller: at least the party starts soon anyway. then, i'm sure we'll get even more beronica fodder.

jugheadalones: true

hbicheryl: see you then losers

spillthefogarTEA: back at ya cheryl

7:48 PM

nopeaz: cher and i are on our way

goingtoheller: fangs and i are leaving now.

jugheadalones: and im at your door at this very moment

jugheadalones: let me in

jugheadalones: okay great im in

hisshissmotherfucker: and i just got my phone back

hisshissmotherfucker: i will not stand for this tyranny! this is a republic not a monarchy!

wannabett: keep it up and im taking your phone back

hisshissmotherfucker: the oppression continues...

wannabett: sweet pea...

hisshissmotherfucker: fine

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

veroffica: now, let's get this party started!

10:03 PM

spillthefogarTEA: hey guys i know this is fun and exciting and all but would you mind congregating out in the living room? ive got some news

hisshissmotherfucker: anything for my best bro

jugheadalones: sure thing

10:07 PM

hisshissmotherfucker + theMANtle

hisshissmotherfucker: hey mantle are you free rn

theMANtle: yeah, you want me to come over to your trailer?

hisshissmotherfucker: yep im on my way there too

hisshissmotherfucker: see you in ten?

theMANtle: none of your friends will be there, right?

hisshissmotherfucker: nah theyre all still at veronicas party they wont even notice that im gone

theMANtle: not that im complaining, but why arent you?

hisshissmotherfucker: i needed a break

theMANtle: so you were hoping that i could help you blow off some steam? ;)

hisshissmotherfucker: that was the general idea

theMANtle: youre in luck, then. i currently have a lot of free time and what many call an impressive amount of stamina.

hisshissmotherfucker: perfect

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

10:15 PM

gays united

spillthefogarTEA: hey has anyone seen sweet pea? i could have sworn that i saw him before kevin and i made our announcement but now i cant find him anywhere

nopeaz: hes probably just in the bathroom or brooding in the corner somewhere

hbicheryl: dont worry about him just celebrate! youve officially got a new boyfriend!

spillthefogarTEA: "dont worry about him" have you MET me??

goingtoheller: babe, he probably just got bored and bailed.

goingtoheller: i know that he's your best friend, but he isn't who you're dating--i am. can't you forget about sweet pea for a little while and just relax?

spillthefogarTEA: i guess so

goingtoheller: great!

spillthefogarTEA: ill just text sp real quick and attempt to verify that hes still alive first

goingtoheller: whatever you need to do, fangs. i'll see you afterward.

10:19 PM

spillthefogarTEA + hisshissmotherfucker

spillthefogarTEA: hey sweets, i just wanted to make sure you didnt do anything stupid

spillthefogarTEA: i know that you arent kevins biggest fan, but youre my best friend and i dont want to lose you over him

spillthefogarTEA: i wish you were here to celebrate with me but i get it if you cant

spillthefogarTEA: please, just text me back whenever you see this to let me know that youre okay.

[spillthefogarTEA is offline]

10:41 PM

hisshissmotherfucker: thanks for being so understanding fangs but ngl i dont know if i can handle you dating keller

hisshissmotherfucker: i mean like you said

hisshissmotherfucker: we're best friends

hisshissmotherfucker: so i shouldnt have a problem with you going out with whoever you want

hisshissmotherfucker: but something about him just rubs me the wrong way

hisshissmotherfucker: sorry if that wasnt what you wanted to hear

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

Notes: Sorry, this was supposed to just be a long holiday chapter, but I had so many ideas I had to split it into two. Bear with me, please! Also, happy new year, gays! As 20gayteen comes to a close, I hope you find even more peace, prosperity, and (of course) bisexuality in 20biteen!!

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

[indigo474]

112122- a warning

Marci sends me a txt a few days ago saying i shouldn't be hooking up with guys and wasting their time and something about self esteem. WHAT? I went on a fucking date- i told the guy that night we were not a fit- I didn't hook up with anyone and if i did BIG FUCKING deal- I'm 48 and single and I can literally fuck anyone i want- ANYONE- she send me a txt yesterday morning for me to give her a call so we can chit chat- im thinking we are going to talk about me NOT hooking up with someone- NOPE- she has a warning- about me working from home and my career progression- i need to watch myself because someone said something to her- a warning. i'm starting to hate that place. Toxic office environment- i can't trust anyone and it sucks. she also keeps bringing up my cubicle buddy- Marci hates her. why wouldnt someone say something to ME? I point out to her supervisors work from home and so do managers- so wtf why can't i- she has no idea just wanted to give me a heads up- thanks. now i want to going to work and go straight to the top of the food chain and ask- hey, is there a problem with me working from home? thanks for the chit chat-the truth is i don't care about some stupid made up title - i just want the money- i want t make more money and do less work- that is it. whatever is going to get me more money -that's what i want.

just when i think i am over the past-i'm not. boy does it hurt-the things he took from me-you like sex-too bad, not gonna have sex with you AND i'm gonna make it your fault and make you feel like there is something wrong with YOU for even wanting sex. You like Christmas? I'm gonna ruin that for you- and every holiday. Birthdays-mother's day-sorry not gonna let you enjoy any of it. i'm also going to take your kids away from you-and your grandkids. its odd to me to be talking to a guy and him telling me how much he loves pussy. i forget most guys will do anything for sex. i never experienced that. just another way of manipulating me and making me feel like less of a human. i do hate him. he did destroy my life and i dont think i'll ever get over it- the bad days are fewer and fewer but they still come around and it feels fresh again. my heart hurts for everything i lost-myself mostly and how could i let someone do that to me.. so much wasted time- a wasted life.

[timjohns3rd]

Sigh..

I wish it was easy to stop loving...to walk away...its not.  Everyone...Shannon, Tessa, etc... was easy compared to this... I know you are trying to set boundaries.. but the hug was nice.  I dont get how some people can turn it off so easily..  I know you want me to move my appts to my own calendar...but still keep access to the other since Im still going to be helping with the girls... I felt good with you saying that... I still feel horrible... I am truly sorry I didnt do better for you...and pushed you away in the process..  Story of my life..ruining a holiday with ants so to speak...I never wanted to be considered a free loader... with everything tho with the pandemic, uber eats...etc... and my background... made it so difficult... and hate myself in the process..  I dont blame you or want to guilt you...  everything I have improved in my life with myself is because of you.  I love you, I love the girls, and I love the furbabies..  you gave me all of those in my life.. I feel I accomplished my main goal in my life..  Now the other side of things... part of the reason for leaving the business is because of you...NOT in a negative way...but you deserve all of them around too...all the friends/fam you made and I dont want you to feel awkward around shows or anything...while on the other side... I dont want constantly be asked..what happened..etc..and its been 25 years...its a good time to walk away... never feel bad... ive been pushing myself for awhile as it is to get thru everything as it is...the drive wasnt there as much as it should have been...but I was doing it for you guys as well... as you all enjoyed it too As for what I am going to do after I have you paid back, and its to the point you want me to start the move out... Im not sure .... I know friends would offer me to stay with them... but I want to do this alone.. even if it means staying in my car til I built up enough...or finding a studio apartment and sleeping on the floor.. even if I do just stay in my car... Im not saying this for you to feel bad or anything (and dont expect it)... Its my choice I do willingly...as I said to do it on my own or die trying... I have to work hard not to fail.   I can shower at truck stops..etc... If Im unable to take my stuff with me...or ever get it for awhile...I expect you to do what you need to with it..even if it means pitching, or selling it to get it out of the house... I can always rebuild again... been there before with that... but ultimately you are not my storage place..which I truly understand that Also...even if I got a place... I wouldnt take either of the furbabies... as one...I promised myself I would never...and have you guys go thru that again like others did... and Im afraid I couldnt give them what they need either...  they have a loving home...and I have no right to take them from it... Why do I write these knowing you wont see them.  Just to help myself... while Id rather talk to you directly about this...I dont want you to think I am trying to guilt or anything... I accept my fate and what needs to be done...I truly do... with no hate in my heart..just remorse for everything I did wrong... and I dont plan to find anyone else..NOT with the hopes of getting back together...but protecting myself again...Ive made it to the top... I have nothing more to prove myself except surviving.. which I did before...