#and im choosing to believe that they werent lying

[oriax]

little annoyed this person isnt responding to me abt this thing im selling.

[mik-mania]

so i have the irritating trait of always needing to be right, and we were talking abt it last night and i, offhandedly and half-jokingly, mentioned "yeah its probably some mechanism from childhood trauma"

and my boyfriend (bean) is so funny cus he does this every so often where he just nonchalantly reads me to filth.

he responded "yeah im sure it stems from how your mom always accused you of lying about stuff when you werent, so you felt like you constantly had to prove that you were right about things, and even when you successfully proved you werent lying your mom would still choose to not believe you."

and im just standing there like

then he has the audacity to innocently blink at me and go "what? i thought you already figured that out" I DID NOT

[oxabyssxo]

because of this strange situation w my ex/fiancee/whatever she is now, as well as my ex before her, im really being gaslit into some very strange image of what love and care and empathy is like.

i knew what love is. i knew what care and empathy is. i didnt have such problems. and they didnt either, when they were healthy (both have bpd, as ive come to understand).

now, i see everything she says and i feel so confused. i know she's not sane, and i know the mechanics about many things she feels or thinks or does or says. but on an emotional level i'm confused, not just devastated but confused.

she DID love me... right? all these memories from irl, all the message logs.... she DID feel empathy, and care... right? reading old logs, she even straight up said things like "(while a bit drunk) i feel so much care and love for you that i cant stop crying. im so sad that i hurt you (she had done something bad but we had solved it) and you dont deserve any of it, and im so sad the world hurts you, i wish i could take it all away. i love you so much and i cant believe you love me too. im so happy you love me."

she really did feel it, right? im feeling insane. i knew it, i felt it. i felt all her love and warmth and intimacy.

but now (after cheating and lying and destroying my mental health and crushing my soul, breaking my heart, and she's still in a bpd episode that goes between bad and worse), when she has a "good day" of the current variety, there is still no empathy or love. there is a stimulation she gets from talking to me on a good day, if i choose to humour her - she acts giddy like a child (very much childish) to hear my input on something and to say some words about media or whatever shallow thing she talks about.

and, she acts as if this is "normal" and "fine" and "sane". that not feeling empathy and not feeling deep adult feelings isnt a severe problem. its as if she never felt those things in the first place and that there's no way for her to feel them now. she only has her current moment feelings (which are basically never empathy or love except some super rare moment) and she doesnt have any normal emotional progress forward, she doesn't realise the horror of her behaviour and feel true remorse and put in work to make sure im okay and focus on my feelings and on herself to do better (persistent forward feelings and understanding and actions that make sense).

i know i have to give up on her, but im currently sitting here just convincing myself that im not crazy about this. that her childlike bpd state and her splitting bpd states, without empathy, that shes been stuck in for months, isnt the actual true state of her love and feelings and everything we had. even if im trying to move on, i dont want to be gaslit that the love and feelings we had werent even real in the first place, that she was always this cold and strange and childish, when i know she wasnt. when i know she has the capacity for actual adult feelings and empathy and love. even if i may never see it again and have to move on.

[honeykawa]

Fly | Route: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: violence, suggestive themes but nothing graphic

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose him”

You looked at the man who had been standing in the corner of the room with his arms crossed

“Tanaka get your ass moving and take them home. Pick them up in the morning and take them home from now on. Make sure they dont run away or itll be on your head”

“Got it boss”

The car ride to your apartment was filled with silence and the soft sound of music coming from the radio

You were too nervous to say anything

The growing feeling of anxiety in your chest made it almost hard to breath

You started to unconsciously grab at the area above your chest and your breathing became irregular

‘How did i get into this mess?’ ‘whats going to happen to me?’

These thoughts keep rushing through your head

“--hey are you okay?”

Tanaka pulled the car over so he could stop and assess just what was happening

And from the way he saw it...it looked like an anxiety attack

His panicked a little himself watching you like this he didnt even want to imagine the feelings rushing through you right now

He got you to control your breathing again and come down from your panic

“You good now?”

You nodded your head, still weary about being near this man

He could tell you were still on your guard with the way you wrapped your arms around your body, as if you were trying to make yourself smaller

“I know it seems rough right now but i swear itll be okay”

His voice was soft with you, something you didnt expect from someone in the mafia

The car ride after that went pretty smooth

“We’re here”

The ride went faster than you thought it would and you got out of his car before saying your goodbyes

“Ill pick you up in the morning...if you need me heres my card”

He held out his card to you as you slowly took it from his hands

“See you”

And with that he sped off as you went inside your apartment to go to bed, hoping that maybe this had all been a dream

Once tanaka got back to his apartment he immediately plopped himself onto his bed and covered his eyes with his arm while thoughts of you plagued his mind

‘Cute’

His arm fell down to his side and he just stared at the ceiling

“Get your shit together tanaka. Your job is to watch them, nothing more”

He rolled over to his side with thoughts of you fading as he drifted into sleep

You woke up to the sound of light knocking on your door

And as soon as you opened the door it finally set in that last night really did happen

“Are you ready to go?”

Tanaka took one look at you and let out a deep sigh knowing that you werent

“Ill give you fifteen minutes”

You nodded your head as you ran back into your room and changed into something work appropriate

Wait where were you working? What would be considered work appropriate?

Based off of what tanaka was wearing you assumed something business casual

When you came out you looked at tanaka to see if this was good enough and he just nodded his head and started walking back towards his car, opening the door for you to get in

“I talked it over with daichi and youll be working with me as my assistant”

Your eyes widened and he immediately knew what went through your mind

“No not like that! Like with actual business stuff you wont really have to do anything with the mafia”

His flailing around made you laugh a bit and lifted a weight off of your shoulders

Listening to you laugh was almost relaxing, his cheeks heating up from the mere sight of your carefree smile

He gave you a quick tour of the place and introduced you to the others if you ran into them but that was about it

As his assistant you really didnt do much

If anything it felt like he was just an over glorified babysitter

But you shuffled through the files he gave you and sorted them the way he wanted

Tanaka watched you from the corner of his eye while you both worked

It wasnt that he was worried you would do it wrong

But it was just last night that you had that anxiety attack right in front of him

“y/n do you want to go out?”

You looked up from your papers and looked at him in confusion

“Right now? And what do you mean by ‘go out’?”

A big smile appeared on his face

“Yeah right now! Lets go! And dont think too much of it”

He stood up and grabbed his wallet

You followed him and as you two rounded the corner of the block he held the door open to a small cafe

“Go ahead and order whatever you want its on me”

You were weary about being here

Would you two get in trouble for leaving like that?

Tanaka could see the worry still lingering on your face and rose his hand to gently pat your head

“Like I said its on me so dont worry about leaving the office ill take any repercussions if there are any”

The grin on his face took a weight off of your chest and you felt like the air around you wasnt so thick anymore

After getting back to the office no one had even noticed that you two had even left

Whos running this place??

The next few weeks seemed to be fine

It was almost like you lived a normal life and you werent being watched by the mafia

You and tanaka had grown closer and it was easier to talk to the others now

He treated you kindly and tried to understand your situation

Unlike the two interns who always berated you for not knowing where certain files were or would roll their eyes when you would flinch at sudden movements the first few days

But tanaka took it slow with you, doing little things so that youd be more comfortable

At first it was subtle

If you needed to go make a copy of something he’d suddenly need to go grab something from the copy room with you even if you insisted that you could get it for him

Or how he always tried to include you in conversations with others so you would get more comfortable around everyone

Tanaka grew to be someone who it was easy for you to be around

But that sense of calmness was quickly wiped away when you joined him on one of his...excursions

“Heres the case. Now give us what we want”

Tanaka held the case in front of him while you just watched from the car

Sure, he’d take you with him but he’d never let you actually get out

He didnt really want this to take too long

Especially since it was just him against a good handful of men

But the men he was making the trade deal with suddenly saw you in move in the car and locked eyes with you

His smile sent a chill down your spine formed on his face

“New deal: give me that hot piece of ass in the car and you have a deal”

Tanakas jaw clenched at the the disgusting words just said about you

“Im sorry but,”

You couldnt see tanakas face until he looked up at the man in front of him

The look on his face utterly terrified you

“I’ll kill you if you even try to put a hand on them”

Everyone stood there unmoving, too scared to move

Tanaka turned around and headed back to the car where you were

“Deals off if that wasnt clear”

But one of the other men moved towards him

“The fuck you mean its off!”

Tanaka easily evaded the man’s advance and took him down with only a quick few movements

“Anyone else want to try”

The question was simple enough but no one dared made eye contact with him as he got into the car and drove off

The car ride was quiet, youd never seen tanaka look like that before

It scared you

He scared you

Tanaka noticed your silence and reached a hand out to pat your head but his chest went heavy at the sight of you flinching

“Y/n?”

You knew he wouldnt hurt you but you couldnt stop the slight tremble

“Im sorry tanaka”

A weak smile appeared on his face

“It’s fine y/n. i’ll take you home, okay?”

You just nod your head and neither of you talk the rest of the ride

A few days go by and you can feel the distance between you and tanaka growing

Its so noticeable that the others in the office can feel the awkwardness between the two of you

Tanaka suddenly stood up from his seat which startled you but he quickly rose his hands

“Woah sorry didnt mean to scare you”

He said it with such a sad smile on his face that it almost hurt to even look at him

“Ill be back in a moment, gotta use the bathroom”

You nodded your head as he left and let out a sigh

You knew he was just doing business

This was his job

It just shocked you to see the man thats been so kind to you to look...like that

Tanaka on the other hand knew this would happen eventually

He washed his face in the sink and looked up at his reflection

‘Remember your place. They deserve better’

He wiped off his face before heading back to his office only to see you not there

His heart just drop not seeing you there

“y/n?!”

He was about to bolt out of there but as soon as he turned around he bumped right into you

You fell onto the ground and the papers you were holding scattered around everywhere

You both just looked at each other for a moment

“Tanaka--”

Before you could say anymore he scooped you into his arms and you could feel the slight tremble in his shoulders before he quickly pulled away once he realized what he was doing

“Sorry y/n i dont know what came over me”

He started help to pick up the papers you dropped but before he could get too far you pulled him into a hug

He was frozen on the spot at feeling your touch

The warmth from your hands made his heart beat erratically

“Im sorry tanaka”

Your arms tightened around him

Youd seen so many sides of him

How clumsy he was

How kind he could be

Youve also seen how scary he could be and honestly it still shocked you

But you want to believe in him

The him thats been nothing but gentle with you

You could hear him let out a shaky breath before pulling you into his chest

After that your relationship with tanaka went back to normal

Or at least as normal as it could have been

Ever since that day youve started to notice how your heart speeds up whenever you look at him

Or the butterflies in your stomach when he smiles at you

He was careful to not let you see the mafia side of things anymore

You appreciate the thought but youd be lying if you said it didnt worry you when he came to work bandaged or bruised

Today was one of those days where tanaka had picked you up with some visible injuries

The cut on his face looked fairly fresh and without realizing it you reached up and gently ran your thumb over it

“Um what are you doing y/n”

Not that tanaka hated this

He felt his heart flutter at your touch

“You know, i dont mind helping you if you need it”

He smiled and took your hand off of his face

“Thank you y/n but im fine”

Just knowing that you cared was enough for him

‘I love you’

They were words he couldnt say

But he knew this life wasnt for you and he couldnt force you to come live in it

A few weeks go by and you feel like every time you get close to him he pulls back to just keep it barely within the realm of just friends

But that was fine as long as you could stay near

It was another one of those days where tanaka was off doing mafia business so noya kept you company

He always had his guard up but he seemed to take a liking to you

“Do you like tanaka”

The question caught you so off guard you dropped your pen

You looked up at him

“Is it that obvious?”

Noya kept working on whatever was in front of him not even sparing you a glance

“Painfully”

You could feel your embarrassment rising

“But if it makes you feel any better i think he likes you too so promise me...make him happy”

Before you could say anything back noyas phone went off and he immediately answered

His eyes went wide and his head whipped towards you before hanging up and dragging you somewhere

“Noya! Where are we going?”

He rushed you into a car and he took the wheel before driving off to who knows where

“Where are we?”

He got out of the car and opened your door

You were at an apartment complex from the look of it

“We’re at tanakas apartment hurry up”

You immediately got out and followed after him and you almost felt your legs give out seeing the state tanaka was in

Bloody and battered

Hinata was sitting next to his bed with his arms crossed

“Idiot rushed in despite not having a gun”

Noya rolled his eyes

“You know he doesnt like carrying one whyd you let him go alone?”

“Not my fault he didnt stop to think”

They kept talking to each other and went into the other room leaving you both alone

His breathing seemed stable as he slept but tears escaped your eyes as you took a seat next to him

Noya left you with tanaka and told you to take care of him

“He’ll try to tell you hes okay. Dont listen to him hes a fucking liar so take good care of him for me”

It was funny but it almost sounded like a goodbye

Tanaka woke up later that night only to see you sitting next to him with tear stains on your cheeks

The thought of you shedding tears because of him both hurt and warmed his heart

He reached up to wipe your face despite the pain he felt

Your cheeks fit perfectly within his hand and he found it cute how you leaned into his touch subconsciously

He couldnt move much but this is all he needed

You woke up before he did that next morning and decided to make some breakfast for the both of you

When you came back in he was just waking up

“Good morning tanaka”

The smile on your face as the sunlight trickled in through the window made him feel at ease

This...this was the life he longed for

“Morning”

He tried to sit up but flinched while doing so

You rushed to his side and set the food down before helping him up

“Dont push yourself. Youre still pretty banged up”

You changed his bandages for him every evening after that

“I can do this myself you know”

He said it with a light laugh

He was starting to get back on his feet and regained most of his movement and strength

“I know but...id like it if you would rely on me just a bit more. I know i cant do much but i can do this”

He didnt say anything back to you after that

In all honesty he didnt want to do it himself

Every time your hand even brushed over his skin it felt like he was on fire

Even the scars that have long since healed throbbed at your touch

His heart beat so hard against his chest that he was afraid that you could hear it

“There all done! Hope that wasnt too bad”

‘Dont smile at me’

‘Youre far too precious’

‘I dont know what ill do if you look at me like that’

He really was planning to let you go, he was fine with just keeping you at an arms length away but now he knew he was in too deep

You got up to put the first aid kit away but he quickly pulled you into his bed with him and he held you tight against his chest

His face was buried into the crook of your neck

He didnt know what he wanted anymore

He wanted to keep you safe but he couldnt guarantee that with him being in the mafia

He hated it

This life wasnt the one he wanted anymore

The life he wanted was with you

Slowly, he rose his head to look at you

“Run away with me y/n”

Your eyes widened in pure shock

“What...what did you just say?”

You couldnt believe what he just said

His eyes were serious though

“Run away with me. I dont want this life anymore. I want to give you the life you deserve. One filled with happiness and laughter where you dont have to worry about things like if ill come home the next day or not. One where you arent targeted. I love you y/n. I love you so much so please, run away with me or so help me god ill just take you”

He held you so tight that it felt like he might break at any sudden movement

You wrapped your arms around him and held him gently against you so you wouldnt hurt any of his wounds

“Then take me away”

That was all tanaka needed to let go of any reservations that were holding him back up

He kissed you with everything hes been bottling up until this moment

Your lungs burned as pulled away, both out of breath but hungry for more

“I hope you know Im not letting you go. Youre stuck with me now”

You laughed and kissed his forehead

“I wouldnt have it any other way”

That night was spent in each others arms, both of you longing for the others touch and neither of you wanting to be apart for even a second

Noya visited the apartment a few days later only to be met with complete silence

A knowing smile appeared on his face as he shook his head

He knew wherever you two were you were both happy

Because he knew you would keep your promise to him

[jennnsartofgettingby]

jegulus angst: an unpublished chapter of a story i was writing on wattpad

cw: mention of child abuse, its angst so proceed with caution loves

regulus rolled up his sleeve slowly, tears silently streaming down his face. he had never cried like this, certainly not in front of james

as he revealed more and more of the dark mark staining his forearm james began to cry as well. he felt a frog forming in his throat and he knew words would not come easily. his eyes couldve burned a hole through regulus arm with the stare he was giving him

he couldnt believe what he was seeing. no, he didnt want to believe it. after everything hed been through with reg had believed with his whole heart that regulus had found the strength to resist his family, his upbringing, to make the tougher choice

james had always had hope for regulus' fate. he spent so much time believing reg was capable of turning over a new leaf. how could he know have had hope for him? when sirius had faced abuse from their parents, been abandoned bye them, and decided before he was even enrolled in school to pave his own path. james had watched the eldest black son crush every standard and expectation the world held for him all because of his last name. he watched sirius give a middle finger to anyone who told him what to do or who to be

so of course he believed with all his heart regulus would one day do the same. how could he not?

but now regulus stood before him broken, shattered, beaten and bruised, with the dark mark tainting his forearm, wearing a lifeless expression

"iii-" james mumbled his hand reaching up to cover his mouth as he was still in pure disbelief

"i thought you were on our side," his was voice shaking. it was so hard to speak "how could you lie to me about this of all things?"

"did they make you? or did you choose this? please tell me it was forced. please tell me you werent lying this whole damn time," james begged

"im really sorry," regulus managed with a broken tone the words barely able to roll off his tongue

regulus finally looked at james. he didnt say it but his eyes were begging for mercy. they were pleading for james to give him yet another chance. james shook his head at regs silent attempt at forgiveness

"get out." james ordered through gritted teeth, more upset with himself than regulus. how could he have been so naive?

all regulus could do was nod and leave without another word

as james watched him walk out of his parents house everything flashed before his eyes

he saw regulus the shy, timid, and scrawny boy with trembling lips as he asked his brothers best friend if he could sit with him in the library. he remembered the way regulus body relaxed as he opened his books and fell into his own little world

he saw regulus sitting under their tree crying because he was so torn over the war. he remembered regulus confiding in him for the first time and how easy it was to find comfort in each other. how easily they understood each other despite their polar opposite upbringings

he saw regulus humming and tapping his foot to james's poem insisting it be turned into a song. he remembered the first time they ever sang it together and regulus's cocky smile saying 'i told you so' when the people around them began clapping and cheering

he saw regulus, sleepy, pale, and youthful snuggling into his arms dozing off to sleep in the moonlight the first time he snuck him into his dorm room. he remembered how late he slept for the first time in his life and how it felt to wake up next to reg with their bodies intertwined

it wasnt just regulus who walked out that door but apart of james too. a chunk of his adolescence, a section his memories, all that was left of his innocence, and his trust, left with regulus that day

but before he was out of sight regulus glanced over his shoulder to take one look at james again. right then james didnt see regulus but rather sirius; brave and kind and mischievous and free and daring. he knew deep down regulus had a plan, yet another secret, that he had told another lie

it took everything inside of james to not run after regulus and tell him theyd find a way; to scream that he knew regulus was hiding something and this time he wouldn't stand for it

but james couldnt yell. he couldnt scream. he couldn't save him. he couldn't beg any more. he couldnt even move. he was frozen. all he could do was collapse against the wall pulling his knees to his chest and begging some greater power, one far more capable than wizards, to put an end to his pain, to regulus's pain

it was all a lie, everything was a lie. he thought over and over and over again until he felt his brain might burst open

he rocked back and forth sobbing for what felt like hours upon hours until he was so exhausted that he past out

and there he laid in the doorway of his childhood home, completely robbed of a proper love story

[somnilogical]

transfem protestors released info that moved 350000$ of donations from miri. because miri is an evil org, they decided to lie about why they think it happened and say its really confusing. i know the answer to this ~mystery~, i know why this year was different; i can talk about it in public, they cant. cuz im freeee from CDT PR. i can decide to lazily choose an algorithm that optimizes utility in multiverse, not just institute whatever choice seems to give most utility "going forward".

<<Our fundraiser fell well short of our $1M target this year, and also short of our in-fundraiser support in 2018 ($947k) and 2017 ($2.5M). It’s plausible that some of the following (non-mutually-exclusive) factors may have contributed to this, though we don’t know the relative strength of these factors:>>

https://web.archive.org/web/20200214061634/https://intelligence.org/2020/02/13/our-2019-fundraiser-review/

they then go on to list eight pretty thin excuses. you know perfectly well why this year is different from all other years, MIRI. your ""speculations"" are fake.

a small group of transfems moved ~350,000$ from your ineffective charity.

i suppose eight of these factors also account for why CFAR extended their fundraiser 5 days longer than announced after donations were super low?

or maybe there is a more compact generator for both of these events: whistleblowers protested what you have been doing releasing lots of marginal information and donors saw this.

i know why this year is different, you know why this year is different. Colm Ó Riain you are facilitating MIRI lying, hoping that if one doesnt mention something, people wont pay attention to it.

like lying in such a way that you wouldnt be held legally culpable, because you could say in front of a court with low schelling reach "you cant prove what i was thinking". except i dont care about legal culpability, i care about causal entanglement. you heard about the protests (or, much less likely, were kept from hearing about these protests somehow by a distributed version of this algorithm set one personstep back), you have > 1/100 intelligence. your omission of this is deception.

is <<In past years, when answering supporters' questions about the discount rate on their potential donations to MIRI, we've leaned towards a "now later" approach. This plausibly resulted in a front-loading of some donations in 2017 and 2018.>> really more plausible than "there was an entire protest against MIRI and CFAR's support of UFAI. people reacted strongly to this, it shows up in the donations.¹"?

it would have come up on a list that scrapes the bottom of the barrel for plausible causes in a counterfactual world in which you werent optimizing for good PR. an AU in which you were searching for and publicising how things were causally entangled.

--

¹see, for instance, the Patrick LaVictoire who had aggregate donations of:

25,885$ november 26 2018

35,885$ august 29 2019

117,199$ february 14 2020

giving diffs of 10,000$ and 81,314$ to estimate 2018 and 2019 donation periods. iirc at some point the diff was 81,000$, id guess at some point afterwards they donated \floor{100π}$. https://web.archive.org/web/20200601000000*/https://intelligence.org/topcontributors/

and then went on to do the standard antitransfem thing calling ziz a "gross uncle" style abuser who just wants status like brent.

https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

with their evidence being someone kaj said it, and kaj's evidence being that ziz said:

<<> I asked Person A if they expected me to be net negative. They said yes. After a moment, they asked me what I was feeling or something like that. I said something like, “dazed” and “sad”. They asked why sad. I said I might leave the field as a consequence and maybe something else. I said I needed time to process or think. I basically slept the rest of the day, way more than 9 hrs, and woke up the next day knowing what I’d do. [...]

> In the case that I’d be net negative like I feared, I was considering suicide in some sense preferable to all this, because it was better causal isolation. However, despite thinking I didn’t really believe in applications of timeless decision theory between humans, I was considering myself maybe timelessly obligated to not commit suicide afterward. Because of the possibility that I could prevent Person A and their peers from making the correct decision for sentimental reasons. [...]

> I was very uncomfortable sharing this stuff. But I saw it as a weighing on the scales of my personal privacy vs some impact on the fate of the world. So I did anyway. [...]

> I tried to inner sim and answer the question. But my simulated self sort of rebelled. Misuse of last judge powers. Like, I would be aware I was being “watched”, intruded upon. Like by turning that place into a test with dubious methodology of whether I was really a delusional man upon which my entire life depended, I was having the idea of Heaven taken from me. [...]

> I made myself come up with the answer in a split second. More accuracy that way. Part of me resisted answering. Something was seriously wrong with this. No. I already decided for reasons that are unaffected. that producing accurate information for person A was positive in expectation.>>

which doesnt sound at all like brent or other people ive encountered who were chronically angsty about status.

--

im going to write more about this and others in another post but like okay:

[1] ppl with high current or natal testosterone (centrally but not exclusively cis men) keep doing this thing where they mind-project that everyone else has the same degree of status sensitivity and unreflecticity upon it as them when actually this is hormonally mediated.

ziz has a natally & currently estrodized brain and from my observations doesnt have that submodule testosteronized. people with PCOS like ilzo have mentioned that they had masculinized status sensitivity modules, lex somni and some cis guy all tried increasing testosterone and noticed status-sensitivity went up, without looking for this effect in the first place. there are papers on it. your experiences are not universal.

[2] but also this isnt really a "belief", its a coordination mechanism. in the same way "its in black peoples nature to be servile" was a coordination mechanism for slavery rather than a "belief". humans actually can use evidence efficiently and see, for instance, in the antebellum south that black people were human just the same as anyone else. but the local social positionality and what they valued made it more advantageous to verbally report otherwise.

similarly for any minority. "*phobia" is the wrong word, its not fear its a schelling coordination mechanism that humans can expect most of society to have their backs on when bad times happen. which tracks what social justice theorists mean by this stuff being "structural". its not about some emotion of hatred or fear against the specific phenotype of "black skin" or "gender divergence" its about what humans can coordinate against.

hence the use of "antitransfem" instead of "transphobia", i picked this up from ziz and gwen and later noticed it mirroring the form of "antiblack". i wonder if antiblack was coined after encountering a similar issue.

[3] you parted with a marginal 71,000$ (compared to what id expect in a counterfactual world without a protest given your lifetime donation total was 35,885$ and you donated 10,000$ last year.) to protect a UFAI org. is this not an amazing amount of "subservience" to MIRI? anarchotransfems getting together to protest the present omnicide isnt "subservience". the transfems protesting against google being evil werent "subservient", but the employees at google who fired them out were.

its amusing watching this one narrative being tiled everywhere, but with different targets. the authoritarians did the same thing to emma goldman. ▘▕▜▋ says emma and somni are haxing a clueless ziz to "bully" people, linta said somni was infohazardously corrupting people, CFAR affiliates say ziz was 'whipping people into a frenzy' and 'demanding subservience' from them. im going to write a post about this.

[ultsracha]

Friends to Lovers w/ Eric (tbz)

Request: Anon -  Ok uuuh I’ve never requested before so idk how to word all this but could you maybe write some Eric (the boyz) catching feelings for his best friend and him trying to ask her out ?? And maybe like the other 00 liners making fun of him for being all soft :( I’m sorry I’m trash at explaining stuff <3 Have a wonderful day A/N: Thank you for requesting! im sorry that this isnt the best but i tried !  Warnings: mild angst & swearing

*He looks so teeny tiny in this gif ouchies my heart*

you and Eric had been friends for literally your whole lives 

all of your childhood memories had him in them 

running around the back yard? Eric was right behind you 

Learning how to ride a bike? This dude was the reason you had the courage to do it

So it was no surprise to everyone that all throughout school you stayed friends 

Joined at the hip every second you could be

In class you would sit together and help each other with the work

Of course you had your other friends, 11 of them who were all part of Eric’s band they called ‘The Boyz’ 

They accepted you into their group with open arms

Most nights after school were spent in the practice room with them 

Watching them dance and run around 

Eric always tried to get you involved but that’s a big, fat, nope 

But you literally had the best, best friend 

So, like every other day you’re sat at the lunch table waiting for Eric to get out of his class while you sat with Sunwoo and Hyunjoon 

“You coming stargazing with us tonight?” Sunwoo asks as he shoves a few grapes into his mouth

“Of course, I’ll bring some food if you guys want as well?” you replied

This wasn’t uncommon for you all, to go sit on Kevin’s roof with blankets and snacks and just look at the stars 

“Is Eric coming too?” You ask because let’s face it everything's more fun with him around 

“OoOOoooOOOOoooOOh ‘Is Eric coming too?’ oOOooOo” Hyunjoon teases, nudging your arm 

“Ah fuck off you know it’s not like that, we’ve been friends forever! I can’t go anywhere without him now” 

They both continued to tease and nudge you around until you saw Eric walking over 

As per the routine, you got up and met him halfway across the hall for a massive hug 

“Hey! What’s up? You’re bright red?” He asks after hugging you

“Ohhh nothing, just dumb and dumber trying to steal my last brain cell” you giggle as you both settle into your seats 

Eric draping his arm round your shoulders like he always does 

Sunwoo giving you a sly smirk like he a l w a y s does when you and Eric even look at each other

It wasn’t hard to understand why everyone gave you these looks

Most people assumed you were together

Even some of your family had suspicions because of how close you two were 

but you could only dream... 

This little crush you had started mid teens and had persisted ever since 

Now it was nearing the end of school and here you were, hopelessly in love 

Honestly it had just become a normal part of your life by now and that was okay, as long as you had him with you being your best friend. It was okay

“You’re coming to Kevins tonight yeah?” Eric mumbles into your ear 

Resisting the urge shiver you simply nod and turn away and continue to listen to the bickering of the boys 

After that the day goes on peacefully, Eric walks you to class and kisses your forehead before jogging to his own class 

The bus journey home you guys sit together and share earphones, taking it in turns to choose a song 

“I’ll see you later yeah?” You ask as you both get off the bus at your stop 

“Yeah I might be a bit late though, I’ve got some things to get done beforehand” he replies, throwing his bag over his shoulders 

“Alright, I’ll see you later then!” you start to wave goodbye and of course, as per usual he brings you in for a hug and to kiss your forehead 

and yet again your heart swells and you inwardly scream because why not your lips hm? 

Later that evening Sangyeon picks you up, with Sunwoo and Haknyeon already in the car

Sunwoo on the aux playing some random country music to annoy everyone 

It’s an amazing night to stargaze, you get to Kevins just at the end of sunset where the sky is mostly dark but a lilac hue still coats the edges of the sky

The stars already sparkling 

Kevins roof was your favourite place to be as he lived at the top of a hill, meaning the view of the city below could be seen 

As well as the roof itself having a large flat bit for everyone to cosy up together 

Most of the group are already there setting up blankets and pillows and the speaker

As expected Eric wasn’t there yet so you just dumped out all the snacks you gathered next to the speaker and went to speak to the host

“Did Eric tell you what he had to do tonight?” you ask, watching Kevin struggle to smooth out a massive blanket

“Yes but I’m not telling you, it’s a secret” he replies

“Why? What is it?” your heart starting to race

Did he have a girlfriend? Was he keeping her a secret? Was he bringing her tonight? 

Yes, that’s where your mind goes because, well every girl in the school would be lucky to have him 

“Y/N calm down he’s gone to get something for tonight, don’t worry he’s still your mans but not really your mans” he smirks, patting the top of your head and walking away

You just stand there blinking before realising what he even said, leading you to pursue him to where everyone was sat already 

“He’s not my ‘mans’ Kevin we all know he’s got every girl in the school whipped for him” you sigh, plopping yourself next to Jacob

who was munching on some chips 

“Y/N you’re kidding right?” Sunwoo smirks while Hyunjoon giggles lightly and nods 

“No I’m not, I’m honestly surprised he hasn't got a girlfriend already...” you mumble 

The sad truth being explained to your friends hurt but it wasn’t hard to see, he wasn’t in love with you 

“He has THE biggest crush on you Y/N how do you not see it?” 

You look up from your lap to see everyone nodding in agreement 

Who knew your friends would play such a prank on you

“This isn’t funny guys, you’re just teasing and it’s painful so please can we just change the subject?” 

lets be real it would always hurt knowing how everyone could see how in love you were but how obviously he wasn't 

“Seriously, everyday we see him he talks about how cute you look or how smart you are and how he can’t wait to show you this dance because he wants to impress you” Hyunjoon giggles while Changmin over dramatically nods 

“and how you smell nice all the time” Sunwoo adds rolling his eyes

“they boy’s whipped for you” Hyunjoon continues 

“It’s almost annoying how literally no one exists when you’re around because he’s so focused on you” 

Your heart has literally stopped 

Because ??? Eric???? liking you???? 

“Right let’s quit the teasing because we weren’t even meant to tell her so now you’re gonna have to explain to him about this” Sangyeon scolds the younger ones 

You just lay back into the pillows still not computing 

They have to be lying? He’s never shown any interest in you? 

You hear them still laughing about how your face looks when you’re shocked 

Jacob leans over to whisper “just ignore them, they’re rooting for you” 

You’re just lying on the roof, looking up to the sky with butterflies bursting your stomach and your heart beating like crazy in your chest when you hear Kevins bedroom window open 

“Hey guys, sorry I was late” Eric bursts through the window “I was just getting a few things” 

Everyone greets him but you stay silent, looking up at the sky because you were just TOO nervous to say anything

“You okay?” He asks you, laying down next to you and propping his head on his arm

“Yeah! Just looking at the stars” your voice betraying your panic

He just nods and rolls over to lie on his back next to you 

The night goes on as normal, everyone chatting, listening to music and enjoying the view 

You hop in the conversation every once in a while but the others seem to understand why you’re being more quiet 

Eric hardly speaks to you but never leaves your side, just lying next to you also in his in thoughts 

“What’s up?” You whisper to him after a while

“Just thinking about stuff” He whispers back shifting to lay on his side to look at you 

You look into his eyes and he looks,,, nervous?

“What you thinking about?” you ask, shifting to mirror his position 

“It’s nothing don’t worry Y/N” He replies shaking his head

“You know you can tell me anything Eric we’re best friends...” 

At this he sighs even more and stands up 

“What? What did I do?” You also stand 

He’s already climbing back through Kevins window 

Naturally you follow, heart beating out of your chest at the thought of Eric being upset with you

“Seriously whats wrong? Why can’t you tell me?” You follow him into the room

“Because if I tell you we can’t be friends and it’ll all go wrong so it’s better if I don’t say anything” 

“Why? We’re best friends we’ve always told each other everything whats changed?” 

“Will you please stop saying that?” He almost shouts and spins around to face you

You’ve never seen him this upset before 

Sunwoo and Hyunjoon were wrong, he doesn't love you he doesn't even want to be friends anymore

“Y-y-y-you don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” You splutter out,  tears already brimming in your eyes 

They were so wrong and they couldn't have said what they did at a worse time, giving you that small bubble of hope in your chest for it to be crushed an hour later 

“It’s not that I just....” he trails off, wringing his hands nervously 

“Then what Eric?” You burst into tears, heart almost breaking in that moment 

“Y/N I love you. Fuck. I’m sick of hiding it and being teased all the time for not having the courage to tell you. I fucking love you” 

The tears didn't stop when you rushed over and wrapped your arms around his neck 

Standing on your tiptoes to hug him you felt his arms wrap around your waist 

You both just stood there holding each other

His erratic breathing indicating he’s crying too

“I love you too Eric, so much, for so long” 

You just stayed put in his arms, him stroking the back of your head

“I didn’t believe them when they told me...” you giggle while pulling away to look at him

His eyes just go so wide 

“They did what?” He yelped

“Oh they told me all about how you talk about me all the time and how whipped you are” you giggle even more

The look on his face just makes you laugh harder 

“I’m going to kill them” he growls and charges back through the window

You just smile and follow him onto the roof where everyone was just laughing and nudging Eric around

“So he’s finally confessed!” Jacobs asks you grinning from ear to ear

“It’s about time, now we don’t have to spend every dance practice brainstorming ways to get him to do it” Sunwoo laughs, earning a slap from Eric

Once the teasing died down Eric joined your side leaning against the wall by Kevins window

“So does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” He asks 

And despite the dark you can tell his cheeks are dusted pink

“Of course I will, but what did you need to go get earlier than meant you were late?” 

“Oh,” he wriggled to grab a small packet from his pocket “I was going to confess to you tonight and I bought you this” 

Handing you the packet you open it to find a dainty necklace 

Silver with a small heart pendant on it 

“Eric this is so cute but you didn’t have to buy me something to confess to me” you blush, heart feeling so full it could burst 

“I know but I thought it would help” his smile is so bright and warm

He helps you put on the necklace and the night ends with you falling asleep cuddled into his arms admiring the view 

[i-writing-is-hard-i]

Blood Traitor pt4

Summary:  You are Draco’s older sister.  A pureblood Witch, without the prejudice and anti-muggle beliefs of your family. Who just so happened to fall in love with none other than a blood traitor, just to complicate matters more Voldemort has returned.  What will you do?

okay, I suck at writing descriptions,

[Disclaimer] Mentions of sex, violence, and hints of torture, I may have screwed up the timeline somewhere along the way, and no one dies, because, thats sad

[Begining]  - [Previous] - [Next]

Part 4:

It was nearing the end of school, the last challenge was a week away.  You and George were sitting in your private room, talking about the holidays, about how you two would keep in contact with each other.  You agreed your owl would be the delivery owl, and you two came up with deliberately stupid fake names for each other, it was a bit of an inside joke.

“What about next year” you asked after a while of comfortable silence,

“What do you mean?”  George asked in return, a first he thought the worse.  

“All this sneaking around, it’s a pain” you replied. “Well, it will only be one more year, right?.  After that we won’t have to hide it, Fred and I are getting our own place, if we can ever get our bloody shop opened” George explained, he tried to sound more cheerful, but he didn’t really feel it, it would be a rather awkward conversation to be having with his family.  

“Just one more year” you placed your head on his shoulder, hiding your face.

“Just one more year” George repeated.  You felt him press his lips against your hair, and his arm tightening around you.  It only just occurred to you that, you were both talking about being together in a year's time, after school.  It made you happy, in such a short time, you couldn’t imagine not being with him.  

“What’s brown and sticky?” George suddenly asked you lifted your head up.   “Dunno’ what?” you asked back, already smiling.

“A Stick” George looked pleased with himself.

“That was terrible, Weasley” you giggled.

“Made you laugh though” he winked, he pressed a kiss on your nose, making you giggle more.  You gave him a playful slap, before resting against him again.  The subject changed to a much lighter topic.  The champions.  George was the only one that knew that you were rooting for Harry.  You two speculated what the last challenge could be, of course, George came up with ridiculous things, making you laugh.

You noticed it was starting to get dark, it was time to go your separate ways.

“We should go” you pointed out.  George’s gripped around you tightened,

“Yeah I suppose” he finally said, but he didn’t let you go.  

“Georgie” your tone was light.  Sighing he finally let you stand up, getting up himself.  As you bent down to grab your bag, George grabbed you, pulling you into a deep kiss and a tight hug.

“Just over a year, then we can see each other anytime we want,” he said.

“Something to look forward too” you smiled in return.  After another kiss, the two of you went back to your dorms.  

It was finally the night of the final challenge.  All the students sat excited looking over to the maze.  Your eyes kept drifting over to George who was sitting with his family.  That didn’t stop him looking over to you though.  You were a little concerned that you wouldn’t have time to see each other before the end of the school year.  A bright light drew your attention back to the maze, someone was wanting to escape.  There were a few speculations on who is was, a lot of those around you hoped it was Harry Potter.  It was Fleur, it seemed like no time at all when another light shot up, moments later Viktor’s name was called.  There were a few cheers from the Hogwarts students,

The last two seemed to be taking ages, you could see the teachers getting anxious.  Dumbledore was talking to one of them, they kept looking over to the maze and sky, waiting for something.  They weren’t the only ones looking concerned, the crowd had gone silent.

“Wonder what’s taking so long?” BFF/N asked

“Dunno”

“You don’t think something bad happened?” she continued.  

“Nah, there’s a load of regulations now”  you turned to her, without meaning to your eyes drifted to George he was already looking past Fred at you.  Giving you a wink, making you smile.  BFF/N hadn’t noticed, thankfully she was too busy looking out at the maze again.

Suddenly there was a popping noise.  There on the ground sat Harry, lying beside him was Cedric.  He wasn’t moving,, something wasn’t right.  Teachers charged towards them, crowding him.  You could hear Harry say something, ‘He’s back?’

The stands around you buzzed with questions, suddenly there was a scream.  Cedric Diggory was dead, but how? you watched as Cedric’s father ran down crying, denying it.  It broke your heart to watch.

“He’s back, Voldemort, He’s back” Harry Cried, you barely caught it, doubting it was what he actually said, but those closer gasped,

You watched as Harry was taken away by Professor Moody.  While you and the other students were ushered back to the castle.  Some students were crying, others speechless, wild speculations were being thrown about.

Back in your common room, most of the students stayed to talk, sharing crazy ideas of what really happened.  Some believed Harry was the guilty one, lying about Voldemort’s return.  You may not have known Harry personally, but you didn’t see him doing what they were accusing him off.

The next morning everyone was talking about last night, there were no classes for the rest of the week, but most weren’t in the mood to celebrate.  In particular the Hufflepuff students.  You watched them from your own table, you knew

There were some missing, others looked so said, it wasn’t just them, a lot of the students were sad, Cedric was pretty popular.  You turned your attention to the Gryffindor table, but you couldn’t see any of the Weasleys.  ‘They must be with Harry’ you thought.  After breakfast, you headed back to your room to pack everything you could.  After that, you went for a walk alone, while BFF/N spent time with her boyfriend.  

You walked around the grounds for a while, everyone was talking about what had happened, what really was happening, more crazy ideas.  

Without meaning to you had walked to yours and George’s meeting spot, you knew he wouldn’t be there, he had more important things to be dealing with.  So why did you end up here?  It was a good place to be alone, so you decided to stay pulling out your book.  You had hoped that you would see him again before the holidays, but you understood was busy.  You tried to read the novel in your hands, but your mind wasn’t there.  You couldn’t help but think about if Voldemort was back.  Your father was a death eater before, even though he lied saying he was under Voldemort’s control, you knew he had voluntarily joined his mad crusade, and he would most likely join again, was the one of those who brought him back?.  Did he know this was going to happen?  Would he even of told you if he did?.

You tried reading again, but the door swung open, your heart hit your chest, thankfully it was only George. “Y/N, Did you know?” he suddenly asked.

“What?” you asked,

“That he was coming back?” he asked again.

“He’s really back?” you asked in return, worried.  George heard the sincerity in your voice.  

“Harry says so, I believe him” George calmed down, approaching you.

“How is he?” you whispered,

“He's alive, at least”  George replied.  He had stopped in front of you, but there was still an unusual distance between you.  Did he think you were lying?

“Y/N, I, Uh” he stuttered, but you knew what he was going to say.

“I’m not my family” you stated. “If they choose to follow Voldemort again, I won’t be joining them”

George flinched at Voldemort’s name.

“Even if it means going against your family,” he asked skeptically.

“I love them, I know you don’t like them, and most of the time I don’t like them, but I do love them, but I also know what the right thing to do is, and what Voldemort want is very, very wrong” you explained.

George believed you.

“I am sure Aurors will stop him before it gets out of hand” George smiled, you nodded in agreement.  He finally wrapped his arms around you holding you tightly, which you returned happily.  You felt him press his lips against your hair before he pulled away.

“This will probably be the last time we see each other” George’s tone was sorrowful

“We can write” you smiled, feeling sad yourself

George pulled away setting himself down, dragging you with him.

“Don’t you need to get back?” you asked  

“Not right now”.

The two of you simply cuddled for a while in silence, before George had to leave again, pulling you into a long kiss first/  he pressed his forehead against yours, catching his breath.  Just before he pulled open the door, he turned to you.

“What do you call birds that stick together?” he was smirking,

“Don’t know what?” you smiled, ready for the cheesy joke.

“Vel-crows”

“Weasley, that was terrible” you giggled,

“Made you laugh though” he smiled at you, then left.  You really were going to miss him this summer.

You swear you had just blinked and you were already in the dining hall for the last time, Dumbledore gave a speech, but it wasn’t like his normal, cheerful speech.  This one was about Cedric and Voldemort.  He pretty much confirmed his return, then he mentioned Moody.  Who turned out to be Barty Crouch jr, a former Voldemort ally, who everyone thought was dead.  The night before leaving was already a sad one, this time though, was far worse.  There was a heaviness in the air.  

[jedwashere]

A Billion Years Away - Prologue

Slowly Drifting To You

***

I’m slowly drifting to you

The stars and the planets are calling me

A billion years away from you

I’m on my way, I’m on…

I’m on…

***

Somewhere.

Painburningbetrayalwhywecouldhave…

We…

Could…

Have…

“Michael!” he called out, before clutching at his chest in agony, and slumping back onto… onto…

… a soft bed?

What?

The man glanced down at his conspicuously bare chest, but apart from from a small, thin scar where he had been stabbed, there was no sign of any injury.

What had happened? The last thing he remembered was…

We would have helped you if you had asked.

He felt a scowl appear on his face, but he dismissed the feeling. Of course she wouldn’t have helped him. Of course she wouldn’t have given up her vaunted ideals. Of course none of it would have gone right.

And, of course, Georgiou would have taken the opportunity, any opportunity, to ruin his plans, destroy the trust he’d built between himself and this other Michael, and then finally to run him through.

In the back, he thought, scowling, of course in the back.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. A whole year of planning, wasted. A whole year of fighting, torture, uncertainty mixed with… with…

No, he admonished himself, forcing himself to remain calm. It’s in the past. All in the past. Michael’s face flashed in front of him, but he pushed it away. We’re alive. We move forward. That’s the only way to go from here.

It was far easier to think that than to focus on just how much he had lost in his last gamble. Shaking his head slightly, he looked around the room, trying to ascertain just where he was and what was happening.

It looked… nice.

The walls were wood-panel, real wood too if his eyes weren’t lying to him. There were windows, though the view outside was blocked by opaque, faintly blue curtains, diffusing pale sunlight from outside. There were wicker chairs dotted about, and a library. It was warm, but not unpleasantly so.

He sat up, wincing. His chest still hurt, but he was fine otherwise. He seemed to have been dressed in a simple pair of thin pyjama trousers made from loose-fitting cotton, which gave no indication as to what sort of people he’d ended up with (except that they were probably humanoid, or at least used to working with humanoids). He stood up and looked around, trying to see if anything of his own attire had survived, but there was no sign.

That could be a good thing, if they didn’t see the insignia, he thought. If I ended up in Federation space, maybe I could get away with playing the same trick twice.

That was, of course, assuming he’d ended up in that universe. Or, for that matter, any universe he’d recognise. His bedclothes certainly didn’t seem like Starfleet standard. It was entirely possible, given multiverse theory and all the associated headaches, that he’d ended up somewhere completely different.

Would be just my luck, he thought, scowling.

Before he could consider any of this further, however, there was a soft knock at the door.

“Hello?” a female-sounding voice asked softly. “Are you awake?”

“Come in,” Lorca said, straightening subconsciously.

A woman entered: she was human, or more accurately looked human. She had pale, almost alabaster skin, strawberry blonde hair that she wore in a ponytail, and striking blue eyes. She wore a simple white robe that draped down to her ankles, and soft white slippers.

“Hello,” she said quietly, inclining her head at him. “My name is Laurien: I’m one of the nurses here. I have been taking care of you.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Gabriel Lorca,” he said, giving her his best winning smile. Best to avoid any specifics until he had a few of his own. “And, uh, I have no idea where I am.”

“This planet is called Erlös,” she said, the pronunciation somewhat strained. “We are on the outermost edge of known space here, as we prefer.” She paused, choosing not to elaborate on whoever ‘we’ referred to. “I know you have no reason to believe me…”

She was right there, he had no reason whatsoever. But he decided to do something he would never have done before his stint in the Federation’s Starfleet: give her the benefit of the doubt. He resisted the urge to snort derisively. Goin’ soft in your old age, Gabriel.

“I’m here and alive,” he said, trying to sound grateful as opposed to sardonic. “And, truth be told, I figure if I’m here and alive I’m probably not going to cease being the latter at your hands any time soon. You had plenty of opportunities to do me an injustice.”

That, of course, was discounting the potential for this to be an elaborate trap, or for them to want to pump him for information somehow. But this felt too genuine, too honest.

Definitely going soft, some voice that sounded like Katrina Cornwell said in his head.

“Indeed,” Laurien said quietly. She tilted her head. “Forgive me, but… we’re a little unsure where you come from.” She paused. “Are you… are you Federation?”

They know about the Federation, Lorca thought, smiling. That made things a little easier.

“I am,” he said with a nod. “Captain of the Federation Starship D- Starship Buran.” Be careful, Gabriel. “Although…” he added, affecting a mournful tone, “actually, I don’t even know what the state of the Buran is.”

Lying prick, the Kat-voice said. He ignored it.

“I have never heard of it,” Laurien said, inclining her head. “But I will speak with Dannik. He will contact the Federation for you.”

“Thank you,” Lorca said with a nod.

“In the meantime,” Laurien continued, “would you care for some food? We do not serve meals that you will be familiar with as standard, but I can request access to the replicator for you.”

Lorca nodded slowly. He was hungry, in point of fact. “I wouldn’t mind some grilled chicken, if your synthesiser can manage it.”

“Of course,” Laurien said, smiling. “I will return shortly.”

As she left, Lorca sat down, thoughts running through his mind. He was alive, surprisingly.

Best to remain Captain of the Buran until I get a clearer picture, he thought. He tried to remember what he could about his counterpart – the smile, the confidence, the love of fortune cookies were all things they’d apparently shared. But I’m supposed to be dead. So I need to explain why I’m not.

Well, that would be easy. He hadn’t the foggiest idea what had happened to his counterpart, after all. Most likely the man had been incinerated, but despite their differences, he was still Lorca. Maybe he had survived, somehow.

He sighed, and began thinking – he only hoped questions about his origin wouldn’t be too far gone.

There’s one piece of hope though, he thought. If Laurien knew about Starfleet, and we’re in the Federation, the war with the Klingons can’t have gone that badly.

He held onto that. Silver linings and all.

***

Next Chapter

[lunar-tear]

Gintamask

@rike-with-love @username-janai-katsura-da @coolthingtrash

1. What got you into Gintama?

A friend told me about it! I was interested because of the parodying (plus Japanese history, I’m a nerd). Also he showed me a picture of Gintoki and I died

2. Do you like the anime or manga better?

I guess I can’t choose, since i started with the anime first? but I love the manga as well, plus there’s a lot of details that weren’t animated so I always made it a point to read!

3. What was your first thought about Gintama?

I saw the introductory special at first and I was confused as hell, but when I got to the ACTUAL first episode, I fell in love with the stupid samurai who caused a riot because his parfait fell.

4. What do you think about Gintama now?

My entire life revolves around it at this point tbh

5. Who’s your favorite character?

Gintoki, Kagura, Tsukuyo, uhhh I’m gonna end up naming all of them lol

6. Who’s your favorite villain?

Oboro (anti-hero?), Utsuro

7. Mention 5 things you hate about Gintama.

The fact that it’s getting over. That is all. 

8. Mention 5 things you love about Gintama.

Only five? aahhh okay let’s see

a) the character designs 

b) relationship development

c) the writing

d) Sadaharu

e) humour!

9. Name your crush from Gintama.

uhhHHHHHH Gintoki and Hijikata

10. Name your OTP. 

Okikagu

11. Name your favorite couples.

Okikagu, Gintsu, Hijimitsu, Katsumatsu

None of them are canon tho ;-; 

12. What character do you feel more related to?

Otose

13. Strawberry milk or Mayonnaise?

Strawberry milk 

14. What’s your favorite weapon of choice?

Either sword or kunai

15. If you were a character in Gintama, where would you belong?

(Ninja clan, Yorozuya, Shinsengumi, Kiheitai, Joui, Amanto, Mimawarigumi etc)

Kaientai!

16. What did Gintama teach you?

Gorillas will always be gorillas, either police or mangakas

17. What’s your favorite quote?

“If you have the time to fantasize about a beautiful death, why not live beautifully until the end?”

18. What’s your favorite episode?

first part of the confessional arc, the episode where Sadaharu takes care of the little dog, the two-parter that features Kagura and her umbrella, the two parter that introduced the neo armstrong cyclone jet armstrong canon, Madaodog Madaonnaire

19. What episode don’t you like?

Maybe the one that had the water Amanto who wanted to protect the lake? It sort of bored me, but it’s not like I hated it or anything 

20. What would you like as a pet Sadaharu or Elizabeth?

Sadaharu <3

21. What’s your favorite scene?

In the Silver Soul arc, when Gintoki is watching Kagura and Shinpachi sleep and he talks about the fact that they stuck by him all these years. Hurt my heart

Also when Sadaharu was stopping the main Altana fissure and having yorozuya flashbacks, I cried for like the entire 25 minutes that episode lasted, and then some

ALSO one of the Valentine’s episode when Kagura says she doesn’t need chocolates to convey her planet sized love for Gin and Patsuan 

22. If you could ask Sorachi to revive a character, who would it be?

HHHH MITSUBA

23. What moment is the saddest ever for you?

The Joui war flashback, when Gin is about to behead Shouyou and he thanks him. Also Kamui lying on Kagura’s lap after they fight, the Shogun’s death :(

24. What episode makes you laugh no matter how many times you watch it?

All of them :D 

25. What character do you think shouldn’t exist in Gintama?

Can’t answer this. Every character played a significant role in Gintama and it would be incomplete without any of them.

26. What is the most badass moment in Gintama?

“SAY HELLO TO SENSEI FOR ME”

27. If you could tell something to Sorachi, what would it be?

I’d thank him and tell him he literally changed my life. 

28. What is your favorite opening?

Know Know Know- DOES, Sakura Mitsutsuki- SPYAIR, Pride Kakumei- CHiCO with HoneyWorks (y’all didn’t really think I could choose just one, right?) 

29. What is your favorite ending?

Hikari Shoumeiron- CHiCO with HoneyWorks, Glorious Days- THREE LIGHTS DOWN KINGS, Acchi Muite- Swimy, Destiny- Negoto

30. Favorite character with glasses.

You mean favourite glasses with the character, right? Shinpachi 

31. Favorite d*ck scene.

“BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!! BELIEVE IN THE OWNER OF THE DICK YOU BELIEVE!!!”

32. Name five characters you love.

*Proceeds to name 99% of the Gintama cast because I can’t do math*

33. If you lived in the Gintama world for a day, what would you do?

Meet as many people as possible!!

34. Shinsengumi team or Yorozuya team?

Yorozuya, because I would actually die at the hands of the Kyokkuchuu-Hatto

35. If you could write a letter to ShigeShige, what would it be? 

Mostly just me talking about how much I miss him? ;-;

36. Describe your feelings about the ‘Shogun assassination arc’ so far in anime or what you thought of it in manga.

100% destroyed me

37. Describe your feelings about the current manga arc and what would you tell Sorachi about it.

Since Gintama is ending... I’m indescribably sad, but at the same time so happy to have been able to be a part of this journey.

38. How would you like Gintama to end?

Just let them be happy, that’s all. 

39. If you could meet Gintoki from the past, after the war but before he met Otose and the kids, what would you tell him?

It gets better, and one day you will be loved by so many wonderful people. 

40. If you could meet a character in real life, who would it be and what would you tell them?

KAGURA! I WOULD THANK HER FOR BEING THE BEST FEMALE PROTAGONIST EVER. 

[patriotsnet]

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/why-some-republicans-are-feeling-shame/

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

Who Are These People

Why some conservatives feel targeted by social media companies

Earlier this week, as the challenge by congressional Republicans of the choice of electors by six states loomed ahead of us, I shared with my spouse how miserably dispirited I had become as an American citizen. The realization weighed heavily on me that I have nothing in common with nearly half the electorate in this country: not my social values and attitudes; not my political beliefs and allegiances; not the value that my ethical sensibilities place on rationality, cooperation and the common good; not even my fundamental moral principles.

I cannot relate to these others, nor do I want to. I already know what they represent, and what they represent, I despise. I feel alienated from them. They make me feel that I am a stranger in my own homeland. I suppose the alienation felt is mutual between us. But I cannot reach out to them. Like addicts, they need to recognize and claim their own demons and crawl away from them. Neither I nor anybody else can do that for them. This may be a harsh and uncharitable comparison. But I would be dishonest with myself to think and to say otherwise.;

Steven Pokorny, Urbandale

Senate Republicans Are Bathed In Shame

Theres no impartial justice, just protection of Trump at all costs.

By Frank Bruni

Opinion Columnist

The impeachment trial of Donald John Trump began on Thursday when John Roberts, the chief justice of the United States, directed all of the senators to stand and raise their right hands. Ever since I cant get two questions out of my head.

The first: How in Gods name and it was in Gods name can the Republicans who have already decided to acquit President Trump take a solemn oath to administer impartial justice? Theyre partial to the core, unabashedly so, as their united march toward a foregone conclusion shows. A mind-meld this ironclad isnt a reflection of facts. Its a triumph of factionalism.

The majority of the partys senators have said outright or clearly signaled that they have no intention of finding the president guilty and removing him from office. Yapping lap dogs like Lindsey Graham and obedient manservants like Mitch McConnell have gone further, mocking the whole impeachment process.

So the oath they took: How does that work? Did they cross the fingers on their left hands? Do they reason that American politics has reached a nadir of such fundamental hypocrisy and overweening partisanship that no one regards that pledge as anything but window dressing?

If there were nothing to this, why would Trump stonewall Congress to the extent that he has? Thats not how the innocent act.

A pathological liar, Cruz called Trump.

What To Watch For

It is highly unlikely Cruz or Hawley will resign or be forced out, but their political prospects both within and outside the senate appeared to have dimmed. In addition to alienating possible donors, one anonymous Republican senator told Politico the caucus would face a reckoning over Hawley and Cruz.

Also Check: How Many Republicans Are There In The Senate

Think Republicans Are Disconnected From Reality It’s Even Worse Among Liberals

A new survey found Democrats live with less political diversity despite being more tolerant of it with startling results

In a surprising new national survey, members of each major American political party were asked what they imagined to be the beliefs held by members of the other. The survey asked Democrats: How many Republicans believe that racism is still a problem in America today? Democrats guessed 50%. Its actually 79%. The survey asked Republicans how many Democrats believe most police are bad people. Republicans estimated half; its really 15%.

The survey, published by the thinktank More in Common as part of its Hidden Tribes of America project, was based on a sample of more than 2,000 people. One of the studys findings: the wilder a persons guess as to what the other party is thinking, the more likely they are to also personally disparage members of the opposite party as mean, selfish or bad. Not only do the two parties diverge on a great many issues, they also disagree on what they disagree on.

This effect, the report says, is so strong that Democrats without a high school diploma are three times more accurate than those with a postgraduate degree. And the more politically engaged a person is, the greater the distortion.

Should the US participate in the Paris climate accord and reduce greenhouse gas emissions regardless of what other countries do? A majority of voters in both parties said yes.

Our Very Right To Vote Under Fire

The foundation of the American democracy is the absolute right of the people to choose their own leaders through the ballot box. Historians label this the sovereignty of the people. We are our own authority, in the decision-making process of the state and in the maintenance of order.

This absolute right of the people is under severe attack. Many of our fellow citizens believe that votes legitimately cast and counted are illegitimate. I do not know how or even if we will return to a culture of trust in the sovereignty of the people, and if we cannot go back, how will American democracy survive?

;Karen Merrick, Guttenberg

Recommended Reading: Why Do Republicans Still Back Trump

Hes Destroyed Conservatism: The Republican Case Against Trumps Gop

Stuart Stevens was a winning GOP operative. Now he feels terrible about what hes done to the country.

AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

Link Copied

Michael Grunwald is a senior staff writer for;Politico Magazine.

Stuart Stevens spent four decades helping Republicansa lot of Republicanswin. Hes one of the most successful political operatives of his generation, crafting ads and devising strategies for President George W. Bush, Republican presidential nominees Mitt Romney and Bob Dole, and dozens of GOP governors, senators and congressmen. He didnt win every race, but he thinks he had the best won-lost record in Republican campaign world.

And now he feels terrible about it.

Stevens now believes the Republican Party is, not to put too fine a point on it, a malign force jeopardizing the survival of American democracy. Hes written a searing apologia of a book called It Was All a Lie that compares his lifelong party to the Mafia, to Bernie Madoffs fraud scheme, to the segregationist movement, even to the Nazis. Hes pretty disillusioned.

It Was All a Lie is really about the party that spawned Trump and now marches in near-lockstep behind himthe party to which 67-year-old Stevens has devoted his career. The GOPs abject surrender to its unorthodox and unconservative leader was a surprise to Stevens, but he has concluded that he shouldnt have been surprised.

Aboard Mitt Romney’s campaign plane in Sept. 2012, senior adviser Stuart Stevens speaks to the press. | AP Photo/Evan Vucci

Hart Is Doing The Right Thing

I know Rita Hart personally and in my experience, she is the kind of person who is always trying to do the right thing, even if its difficult and an uphill battle.

Hart would likely win if just the uncounted 22 ballots were counted, but she is going a step further to ensure everyone can be confident in the election outcome by asking for a full recount. In a situation like this, a bipartisan commission in the U.S. House will likely ask the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office to conduct the recount so we can trust that politics will not interfere with the review of the election.

It is commendable that Hart is fighting to protect our sacred right to vote and the trustworthiness of our elections. Every vote must be counted to ensure Iowans continue to have confidence in their election system. Count every vote

;Maria Dickmann, Davenport

Also Check: How Many Registered Republicans In Illinois

Executive Action Is A Slippery Slope

The rationale given by the editorial board Jan. 3 to have Joe Biden issue executive orders to undo Donald Trumps executive orders is that some issues are too important to just wait for Congress. ;

Im sure this was the belief of Barack Obama when he issued his orders and the belief of Trump when he issued his orders. In other words, this rationale could be employed by any president at any time and it poses a real danger to the separation of legislative power and executive power provided by the U.S. Constitution. ;

Do the board members really want to combine these powers in the office of the presidency ?

Lonny Wilson,;West Des Moines

Democrats Werent Violent But Chose A Different Dishonorable Path

Why Do We Feel Shame?

I agree with the Jan. 7 letter Shame, shame, with the closing statement, This is one of the saddest days in our history.

And yes, when Trump won in 2016 there was no mob violence by Democrats. There was just four years of disbelief by the Democrats that Trump won and four years of trying to impeach him.

William D. Blohm, Carroll

Read Also: Who Makes More Money Democrats Or Republicans

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

Back in the fall, when Donald Trump dubbed Jeb Bush low-energy, Carlos Gimenez grew a little concerned. By last month, when Marco Rubio and Trump engaged in childish name-calling, the Republican mayor of Miami-Dade County thought the GOP presidential race had gotten out of hand. Now, after a tawdry week that has focused on the wives of Trump and Ted Cruz, Gimenez is certain that the race has moved totally out of bounds.

Politics is a contact sport, Gimenez said, but there should be contact in other ways.

Gimenez is watching with disgust, as are many Republicans across the country, as his partys presidential race turns into a tabloid talk show. After a winter that featured anatomical insults, violent clashes at rallies, and fierce accusations of lying and dirty tricks, Republicans say the past week has been particularly dispiriting.

At a moment when the party had hoped to turn its attention to;a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton, Republicans were instead caught in;an;uncomfortable back-and-forth over allegations of adultery and jabs at the physical appearance of the wives of Trump and Cruz.

That dispute took on renewed vigor Sunday, when the two candidates went at it again on the morning shows.

Dont forget, I call him Lying Ted. I call him that because nobody that Ive known Ive known a lot tougher people over the years in business, but Ive never known anybody that lied like Ted Cruz, Trump said.

Republicans Said President Obama Would Raise Taxes Sky High

It never happened. Income taxes for over 95% of Americans remained the same or lower than they were before Obama was elected. The only people whose income taxes increased were those who make more than $400,000 per year, and their taxes rose only 3%. For most Americans, taxes are still lower now than they were under Reagan.

Don’t Miss: Can Republicans Vote In The Democratic Primary In South Carolina

Conflict Over Health Vs The Economy

Masks are also linked to the broader debate about the disease threat from the coronavirus versus and the devastating impact that social distancing has had on our economy. This controversy again has fallen out on political lines, with the right placing a relatively greater emphasis than the left on the need to restart the economy.

Within this debate, some may see masks as playing up the disease side of this balancing act, while those who don’t wear masks might be seen as prioritizing a swift return to normalcy over concerns about health and safety.

Why Republican Voters Say Theres No Way In Hell Trump Lost

By Brad Brooks, Nathan Layne, Tim Reid

12 Min Read

SUNDOWN, Texas – Brett Fryar is a middle-class Republican. A 50-year-old chiropractor in this west Texas town, he owns a small business. He has two undergraduate degrees and a masters degree, in organic chemistry. He attends Southcrest Baptist Church in nearby Lubbock.

Fryar didnt much like Donald Trump at first, during the U.S. presidents 2016 campaign. He voted for Texas Senator Ted Cruz in the Republican primaries.

Now, Fryar says he would go to war for Trump. He has joined the newly formed South Plains Patriots, a group of a few hundred members that includes a reactionary force of about three dozen – including Fryar and his son, Caleb – who conduct firearms training.

Nothing will convince Fryar and many others here in Sundown – including the towns mayor, another Patriots member – that Democrat Joe Biden won the Nov. 3 presidential election fairly. They believe Trumps stream of election-fraud allegations and say theyre preparing for the possibility of a civil war with the American political left.

If President Trump comes out and says: Guys, I have irrefutable proof of fraud, the courts wont listen, and Im now calling on Americans to take up arms, we would go, said Fryar, wearing a button-down shirt, pressed slacks and a paisley tie during a recent interview at his office.

This is dystopian, Light said. America could fracture.

THERES JUST NO WAY

NO WAY IN HELL

Recommended Reading: How Many Republicans Are Running For President

Republicans Said Waterboarding And Other Forms Of Enhanced Interrogation Are Not Torture And Are Necessary In Fighting Islamic Extremism

In reality, waterboarding and other forms of enhanced interrogation that inflict pain, suffering, or fear of death are outlawed by US law, the US Constitution, and international treaties. Japanese soldiers after World War II were prosecuted by the United States for war crimes because of their use of waterboarding on American POWs.

Professional interrogators have known for decades that torture is the most ineffective and unreliable method of getting accurate information. People being tortured say anything to get the torture to end but will not likely tell the truth.

An FBI interrogator named Ali Soufan was able to get al Qaeda terrorist Abu Zubaydah to reveal crucial information without the use of torture. When CIA interrogators started using waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation methods, Zubaydah stopped cooperating and gave his interrogators false information.

Far from being necessary in the fight against terrorism, torture is completely unreliable and counter-productive in obtaining useful information.

Shame Can Last A Lifetime If We Let It

Find a therapist near me

Shame is one of the hardest emotions to talk about. It can also be the hardest emotion to recognize in ourselves, and it can feel the most painful. So, what is shame and how do we know if were feeling it?

Shame is often confused with embarrassment or guilt. Embarrassment arises when the way we want people to see us isnt the way they do. We want people to think were cool, but then we walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to our shoe. The feeling usually doesnt last long. Guilt arises when we think weve broken societys or our own moral code. We feel guilty when we lie, for example. Guilt can last a long time, but we usually know that well feel better when we come clean.

Shame can last a lifetime if we let it. It isnt caused by a single event, but an amassing of wounds to our self-worth. We feel guilty when we think weve done something wrong and embarrassed or humiliated when weve erred in public. But we feel shame when we think we are wrong. We may feel powerless to change whatever it is that makes us feel it, which then leads us to feel even more of it. Shame can feel unfixable, because it binds to all emotions. So even when we feel good, we can feel shamelike we dont deserve it.

Its never too late. Love yourself and forgive yourself. Begin today.

Read Also: How Many Registered Republicans Are In The United States

Senator Grassley Was It Worth It

Dear Senator Grassley:

It was impossible to not see the events of Jan. 6 as inevitable.;Some in your Republican Party are assigning blame to the president, acknowledging the role he played. ;

The blame for the;insurrection, loss of life, and the tenuous state of our democracy lies elsewhere.;Truth be known, anyone paying attention knew who Mr. Donald Trump was, and remains: a lawless, narcissistic, racist, immoral, and corrupt human being.;More could be said. ;

Perhaps it is time for you to accept responsibility for the indisputable role you played in empowering this despot.;The examples of his malfeasance in office are legion. ;

You had a chance to put an end to;Trump’s tyranny when you cast your senatorial vote after House impeachment.;The evidence of his offense could not have been clearer,;ignored by you and everyone in your party,;save for Sen. Mitt Romney, your own former presidential nominee. ;

Repercussions of your cowardice, including the treatment of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, a whistle-blower, which you made a career off pretending to protect, are too numerous to count.;Your tepid statements supporting other whistle-blowers who were also subjected to vicious attacks, and the rarity of public admonitions of these and other wrongdoings, are a disgrace to your office. ;;

Nevertheless, you certainly have achieved what must have been foremost in your agenda.;You personally helped to pack the Supreme Court, and countless other lifetime appointments have been confirmed. ;

Republicans Claim That Raising The Minimum Wage Would Kill Jobs And Hurt The Economy

Why are Shame & Trauma so Connected?

There is far more evidence to the contrary. Cities and states that have higher minimum wages tend to have better rates of job creation and economic growth.

Detailed analyses show that job losses due to increases in the minimum wage are almost negligible compared to the economic benefits of higher wages. Previous increases in the minimum wage have never resulted in the dire consequences that Republicans have predicted.

Republicans have accused President Obama of “cutting defense spending to the bone”. This chart of 2014 discretionary spending firmly disproves that argument.

Also Check: How Many Senate Seats Do The Republicans Have Right Now

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[tumblunni]

Bunni plays Richard and Alice, and gets an ending, and DIES INSIDE, WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK

* okay seriously i was COMPLETELY WRONG about every expectation i had, holy fucking shit

* In the end the final flashback was EVEN WORSE than I ever expected, oh god i wanna throw up! I don’t know if things could have gone differently due to my choices, but the way it went down this time was just... oh god... “I am gonna bawl my eyes out if Barney dies” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT’S EVEN WORSE THAN THAT?? He was dying and his mother had to mercy kill him so he wouldnt suffer What the fuck, what the holy everyloving fuck jesus christ god no The only choice i had in the matter was that i gave him back his toy car to hold while he fell asleep, and then it appeared on his grave at the ending and i got a few extra lines of continuity hoping that Barney is going on an adventure with Daddy in his big ol car... Fuck fucking christ god no oh godddd

* and like HEY LETS JUST RUB SOME SALT IN THE WOUND apparantly the grave we were visiting all this time was empty cos nobody could even find her husband’s body so like.. she doesnt even have the consolation of knowing they’ll be together in death

* oh and DEAR GOD there was a REALLY ATMOSPHERIC scene before it really fucking surreal and confusing oh god you’re just left with the dying barney sitting there on the floor and no choice and no items except your gun and i knew right them what i was supposed to do but i tried to leave and backtrack and find anything that could help and then all you can do is return to that empty church and find that it isnt empty anymore there’s some weird nameless faceless grandpa hiding in the confessional booth, and you can talk to him about this horrible horrible story and your horrible horrible choice and you never get to actually see who he is or anything but i choose to believe he actually did want to help, and all.. the conversation with him helped it be a little less painful at least

* and then you just go back to the empty grave marking your dead husband, and you have a horrible scene of her breaking down and yelling at him cos she knows he’d believe she’s stronger than this, and he’d tell her not to kill herself, but she really wants to die if she has to take her son’s life and god, she talks about how she attempted suicide once before from depression back when they first married, and he saved her from doing it, and now she wishes she could have died back then and never brought her son into the world if he’s just gonna suffer like this oh godddddd

* and then we get back to the present day and its all ‘aww richard really cares about you’ and ‘oh that silly richard being a comic relief’ and ‘hooray we managed to escape’ and then THE BIGGEST FUCKING EVIL PLOT TWIST HOLY JESUS FUCK

* richard i have never wanted to reach thru a screen and strangle a man more than this moment jesus fuck

* mr purposely vague ‘oh im just a generic good guy’ protagonist was lying THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME and god its even worse cos like all of his personality was still real he’s a sick fuck who THINKS he’s a good guy, and tries to be all friendly like, and just like.. compartmentalizes it away in the back of his head and pretends he hasn’t committed this damn sin, that he still counts as good if he’s just ~polite~

* FUCK SERIOUSLY MAN I have never been so terrified to hear the word brussel sprouts! I didnt even think to mention the brussel sprouts line back when I heard it! you just hear one of the gang members mention some stupid folksy idiom about brussel sprouts during the flashbacks I should have fucking known it was richard, it fits with his goddamn fake good guy persona! he slips up and mentions it after you leave the prison, he doenst know you heard him say it before GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU YOU SICK FUCK

* and like.. well.. at least it seems I was wrong about the cannibalism. Or at least, as far as richard knows they werent doing that to the victims. But it feels like he didnt know or care what happened to the people he kidnapped, all part of his strategy to put it out of mind and pretend he’s still the good guy... But GOD thats kinda EVEN WORSE that we dont even know what they were doing to the victims! Richard says they were ‘kept in relative comfort’ and compares it to being in this prison. ‘At least they had food and clothes, they wouldnt have that outside’. YEAH BUT YOURE FUCKING KEEPING THEM AS SLAVES AND POSSIBLY *SEX SLAVES* AND GOD JESUS FUCKING CHRIST And we get a partial answer to what happened to the kids from that diary. Apparantly Lucy was (for some reason) valued very highly as a slave, so much so that they’d actually pay the expense of finding insulin to keep her alive. Thats what makes me think it might have been sex slavery, i mean.. they’re valuing this one child slave higher than the rest. The other theory is that maybe Lucy was actually Richard’s daughter that he mentioned as his excuse for working for this gang, he says he was ensured that his family would be kept safe as long as he sacrificed other people... God its so fucked up. And then he tries to justify it to Alice by saying blablabla we do what we have to do to survive and morality is relative and ohhhh we’re not the bad guys i mean they’d suffer more if they died in the cold compared to living longer in pain and slavery AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART IS???

* i got THE FUCKIN WORST ENDING, JESUS CHRIST somehow my choices during my first run led to an ending where alice agrees to join richard’s shit gang i cant even blame her for it, she was fuckin mentally shattered by having to euthanise her son and then she had a scrap of hope with an apparant friendship with an apparantly moral man and then he fucking turns out to be this sort of shit and she has no reason to keep going and i suppose this is technically ‘good’ cos she decided to live, but she also decided to be led away by a manipulative fuckass and join an evil slavery cult and god she probably feels like she’s already a ‘sinner’ cos of what she did to her kid so she belongs with them GAHHHH this is a story of a villain who’s convinced he’s good, and a good person who’s convinced she’s a villain! T_T

* I hope I can find a better ending to this...

* I hope there’s an ending where richard gets bitchslapped in the face with a two-by-four

* Seriously did i just get this ending because I tried to act like a decent friend to Richard and then just SUDDEN TWIST he was evil the whole time and GAHHHH

* fuck you richard fucking fuck you dont deserve top billing in the title

[saintkimora]

ok, here is part 2 of the relationship stuff that happened from thursday to today. its taken so long bc ive been so tired w work and my emotions and stuff so i just havent had the energy but now i do. again caleb i would prefer if you didnt read this but i cant really stop you so just do what you want i guess

so i left off w the confrontation in the middle of a field. so i asked caleb a question i was like “be honest, did you cheat on me?” and i told him about how leeann told me he reinstalled grindr a few weeks ago and met this new guy who is named ray. caleb told me his side of the story. it was that he reinstalled grindr just to reconnect w some of his old friends. i asked why he didnt just have their phone numbers already but he said he doesnt give out his phone number that easily. so the grindr part was resolved, his justification made sense. i would have preferred if he just told me when he did it though bc if he just told me in the first place that he reinstalled grindr to talk to old friends i prob wouldve been ok with it, the fact that he hid it was what seemed shady to me

then his explanation of hooking up w a guy before he picked me up to resolve our issue on tuesday night. so it turns out he was actually hanging out w a friend from grindr named dan and they just hung out and played video games. i believed him. leeann said she had just assumed he was hooking up w him so in this case calebs story was acceptable. i mean caleb never offered to play video games with me smh but whatever idc if all they did was play video games im fine w that, i dont want to be stereotypical and say that two gay guys cant just be friends and hang out so i accept his story with dan

but then i found out about ray. ray was a guy that he just met on grindr that he was talking to and was interested in. that part hurt. he said he never met up w him in person though so that was good. i asked about how leeann said he compared me and ray and like highlighted all my personality flaws and he confirmed that yes, that conversation did happen :( he said the flaws he brought up were the same ones he said to me on our tuesday night talk, that i had no work ethic, no real goals, etc. idk why he thinks im just some flop bc i do have clear goals in life since ive literally been set on being a doctor since like 11th grade. i dont want to be a doctor tbh but its still my goal so its not like im just aimless. anyways idk it upset me a lot that he was like weighing the options between me and ray bc ive never like compared him to another guy. he admitted he was wrong talking to ray though and he apologized so i appreciate that he knows he was wrong to do that 

so that was p much it. basically leeann didnt really have ALL of her facts straight. i was still unhappy w what he told me obviously but he apologized and thats whats most important to me tbh. after that i felt a lot better, bc my breathing was kinda labored the entire day bc i was so nervous so my breathing returned to normal and my appetite returned 

so then the rest of the date was nice. we picked up his friend brian so it was the 4 of us and we got tutti frutti. leeann stayed in the car so it just the 3 of us sitting there eating it but then something a little unsettling happened. i was just sitting there enjoying the company and enjoying the snack and brian was like “you could cut the tension with a knife” and we were like theres no tension and brian was like “nvm...awkward silence is the right term” and that really caught me off guard. like i was just sitting there relaxing and enjoying myself and i didnt even know i was being awkward. like it just really reaffirmed how i feel like so disconnected from most people like not to be like “im so special and different” but i really do feel like i dont fit in like i dont know how to interact with people except for on a very surface level and so even though he didnt know it, brians little comment really affected me and made me feel really alone and isolated

so then we went to the boardwalk and it was cold but nice. again i dont do very well in groups but it was alright. it was like a huge burden off my shoulders knowing that i had resolved things with caleb, or so i thought

so that was on thursday. i havent seen him since but we have been texting and talking on the phone and stuff. it seems the issues havent been completely resolved. im still not really sure what exactly we are fighting about but im p sure we can get through it. like i just had some questions left to be answered 

for example, his explanation and leeanns explanations werent adding up about ray. like leeanns message made it seem like he was talking about her to ray on monday, which means that he was talking to ray by monday the latest. but he said he didnt talk to ray until after he broke up w me, which was on tuesday. i asked him and he said leeann just had her days mixed up. it is certainly possible that leeann did have her days mixed up. but kim told me she thinks hes still lying bc he doesnt wanna admit that he was talking to ray before he ended things with me. it is v possible that im kinda blinded by love which is why i have kim, so she can kinda keep me grounded, just like idil and peter do. but overall im choosing to believe caleb bc ive already told him i just want him to be honest w me and i dont think he would be so disrespectful to just continue to lie to me

and like im still trying to process everything. tonight he said that if i bring this stuff up to him one more time past tonight hes just gonna walk away and i dont want that to happen so i guess we are done discussing these issues. he sent me a really nice text last night and he was v nice in person on thursday but he can also get kinda hostile and mean over text, such as in his texts to me tonight. i dont know if he means to come off like this, which is why i wish we could stop discussing serious things over text and save them for when we are in person

so yeah, basically, on thursday we fixed most of the issue but i still had some doubts but after tonight i dont really think i have any. i still really care for him which i why i hate having drama with him and i feel bad bc i feel like i keep dragging it bc every time i think our relationship is fixed but then another new question creeps into my mind and i have to ask which leads to drama. so i feel like i just keep ruining everything but i dont know how to stop and it just sucks

[jo5huaray]

can i express how i feel today?

why is that everytime someone wants something good in their life.....there has to be something or someone to ruin it? yin and yang? good and bad? without one, you can have the other? makes sense. has too. and if it doesnt, does that make you blind to reality? you living in your own reality where things are make believe? dreamland? how could someone live there knowing that isnt the reality that we live in? would that consume you mentally? and if it didn't, would you actually be living your life? yolo? i mean you would have to actually dream it and make it reality but you necessarily couldnt because you would dwell to much on that reality of yours and get lost in the idea of actually making it. so i guess in terms, you have to know when to leave your box, and expand without losing the fire. hmmm.....you think some people actually think, "my life is actually amazing" when in reality its not. i mean that could be their reality or idea of what life being good is.....just because its different from your idea of a good life doesnt make it any less dumb or not "good" enough. but where im going with this is, can people actually go through life things about what they can be doing instead of what they are actually doing? i mean you have to get to a certain point where you see someone actually try to progress and be like "hey you are doing it!!" or "fucking told you so" and find humor in someone elses bad luck.....but im a strong believer that people go through life not trying to succeed and love to stay in their shell and cry wolf when no one has time for them or can make time. its like are we suppose to wait for you to decide when its time to change. katt williams said it ffucking right when he said it," cant be fucking with people doing the same shit every year" "them people are the unhealthy people that will drag you down" " if you gotta succeed alone then so be it, at least you arent being held back by those who call you their friends"

guess you can say im not in the best mood atm, pretty down, wouldnt say depressed. my kids are happy. and healthy. shit to healthy i think. i do miss them. rather be with them at this very moment instead of this place or surrounding. but things and people are stopping me from that currently. im the type of person who cant get anger constantly.....i have 3 modes. anger and im attacking. anger and i cry because it did it to myself. or happy and burying what i have bury to no get emotional. you dont know how many people have told me you do this to yourself joshua.....like a fucking record thats skipping. and i finally realize the reason i keep making immature mistakes. i cant hate....truly hate someone if they were to mess with my babies. and my dog. and my computer lol. but truly hate someone who done me wrong? i mean my dad use to beat the shit out of me. my mom as well.....mostly females who loved the idea of being with me or wanted to be with me. i cant truly hate none of them....so i guess you can say i relaspe until i figure a soultion inbetween hating them and being their slave. relaspe like a user and my drug is female......well the idea of being in love like they would see me. my idea of being in love and being able to love someone excites me. but it cant be just anyone....definitely cant be anyone. and i tend to jump from one to another because that fizz isnt there anymore. the cheating. the lying......i have yet to have someone constantly keep my entertained like i would think they would want too. i mean the concept of,"if you dont do it someone else will" and most people nowadays settle for it keep the hope alive. that idea of being loved and loving alive.....but why? should the couple understand that concept because how more real can it get? i mean if you dont buy flowers for her someone else will. if you dont make him dinner someone else will. if you dont tell her you love her like people need air and show her, someone definitely will come along and tell her and that and actually mean it. if you dont fucking him or keep him satifisted, you know damn well someone will be waiting for that text saying, "hey wyd" and you dont believe that....its ok eventually you will have to figure it out or be stuck in a constant loop for immature relationship or immature adults who act like big ol babies

i honestly feel like crying my eyes out. or leaving and crying in my truck....what good will that do me? probably make my eyes look like shit and hurt, thus not worth it. even though i know its not worth it, i still feel the sense of sadness growing inside of me. like a sickness you werent prepared for. no medicine can help you and only you can help yourself. but yeah that brings it back to me not being able to truly hate someone. what will hating them get me? make me feel better? temporary? sure maybe but would it be worth it to bring someone down with my lashing of constant bombardement of hateful words and degrading comments? yeah definitely bring their asses to the reality they may not be seeing or what they caused me to do. reaction to their action? not the best choice thats why i choose not to be a hateful person. even though i know some would say go for it. use it to make yourself beat this sickness they call sadness........they been telling me that since day 1 and you think i choose to do it yet? lol i just cant. the cheaters, liars, the "its you and not me", the "i love you but not in love with you" yeah i cant. idk hate me cause i cant stand up and do it. i just dont feel the need to do it. and thats the main reason i slip....relaspe back to the idea of actually being loved by these so called girls.....i cant call you women because you havent shown me enough to actually be a woman. but im not innocent bystander. ive done it all and im not proud it either but i can dwell on it as i do it because why sit here and love someone who isnt texting you or talking to you or attempting to be with you and expect you to sit here waiting with you bent over like you ready about to get fucked? lol literally majority of people want you to wait on them if you are their friend or if you love them....like what shit you smoking.....waiting on hand and foot yet you give me a pinky of time and attention? thats not being mean nor hateful in my opinion. thats just common sense....shit i would expect that if i wasnt fucking or loving a girl i was interested in. thats why i never text first... if im important or whatever ( with certain exceptions of course! lol hey grey areas) then you would make time for me....best believe if you text me or call me, and i find you highly attractive or actually like you, you wont just get one text or two....maybe like a series of questions or a poem lol lol or something to bring you closer mentally and physcially lol but thats just it. you cant race to win and stop racing......keep it pushin! never stop. yeah its alot of work but wtf you think we are here for? to obtain this lifes best by simply hopefully for it to happen? yeah some are fortunated the others but then mostly 99% of people arent that fortunate that others....the bottom, down in the slumps where you either sit there and regret it your entire life you never actually bust the ass to obtain your "reality".

the idea of being love by those who i know cant love me truly like i want to be love consumes me entirely where i forget about the life im living in itself. the life i picture for myself ( and yes my kids as well for those of you who acutally thought i wouldnt picture a life without my bootoo, hot ness, and Jilee) that life i picture does come with someone who actually loves me like ive always preached. i always swapped between one or the other because of negatives or defaults that may have had....or push them away on purpose so i wouldnt have to be the bad guy, and in reality, my reality, i wanted them to be like the previous one. or the next one so jumping from one to another, hoping they would take from the last to be better than the last is only a fragment of my imagnation playing tricks on me. lying to myself to make my reality seem livable with in reality, its not. thus the cycle begins and repeats....jump to this one....oh you wanna be loved forever and be happy.....but cant keep me focused on us. then the next one, oh you always had bad boyfriends and just want someone to understand you, but yet you dont take the time to actually understand who i am or what we actually have to be a couple.....these days people say, "50/50" and yet i laugh my ass off cause these ignorant fools dont understand that it has to be 100/100. hell you can even say 150/150 if you want. if you are those type of highly expectation folks......why would anyone want 50% of what someone has to offer? tell me how that math even makes fucking sense.....tell me how someone is suppose to stay in a relationship or be with someone who they give more than the other? cant do that math because its impossible. actually not impossible, possible just fucking retarded lmao. whoever decides that is only harming themselves and the other person. so lets do that math now 50/50....breaks even with 50 cross the board. so she gets 50 and you get 50. not the full 100...so would would anyone want that?.....meaning you both get nothing in the end with that analogy. 100/50? left with 50.....and ill let you be the guess on whose left with the 50%.....cause if you guessed the person only giving half...you seriously need to go back to 3rd grade and learn the basic fundenmentals of math lmao....ok 100/100? you get her all and she gets your all....that works. definitely can see that working. would have to second guess your love or hers. probably would have time to even think about whats wrong or what could go wrong because you would be in the reality you just fucking made? and the funny part, she would be right there with you!!! lmao making sense now? the 150/150 is for those selected few who are over acheivers and know how to actually give 150% of who they are. think about it.....how could someone give 150% of themselves to another? and no not tissue or blood you fucks.