#and im a fan of metafiction so yk. pretty glaring blind spot.

[satyricplotter]

balancing how mean i can make dick be in his inner monologue is so tricky. it's no issue with jay because he's mean from the get go, you know? people are used to it, they come to expect it. there's a lot to delve into in that man, but you will wade through oceans of anger to get to it and that makes him mean. i know it, you know, etc. there's a very liberating frankness about it as well in that jason doesn't beat around the bush, so you can trust what he says even if it's a little hurtful. say you have a personal flaw, something you can change but choose not to or simply... don't, and this makes you guilty. if you bring this guilt to jason as a irredeemable flaw, he will simply be like "i have killed people. do better." and it's. well, yeah. it's all a little silly. it's not that he's worse than you so you can be as bad as you like, but more like, there's a kinship there yeah? a kinship in failure, in doing wrong, in thinking badly and speaking worse. he's not going to judge you for making a mistake (he'll judge you for how you clean it up tho), so you can be frank about your mistakes because he will always be upfront about what he thinks is shitty and isn't.

dick.. will not. not if he loves you. if he thinks you're a piece of shit, he will tell you exactly what he thinks of you, probably while he has the heel of his shoe digging on your windpipe. he can be pretty scathing, which i don't think people expect from him. and there's good reason for it, besides the fact that he benefits from being underestimated and thus contrives for it to remain like that. but i think if he thinks there's something wrong with you, he earnestly strives to fix it for you or give you the proper channels to guide you in the journey to bettering yourself or whatever nonsense else. because he wants you to live good and happy, you know? which can be on its own overbearing.

but it also has the unintended consequence of making him really unapproachable if you're not cutthroat and straightforward yourself. if you can't cut through the bullshit, establishing the sort of searing, raw intimacy that lets you both be very, very frank and unafraid to say things roughly, badly, meanly is practically impossible. i genuinely believe that dick is a good man, he is naturally (and works towards being) noble and heroic, and it matters to him that he does good, particularly on a smaller scale. but you can see how keeping that up--couple with his hypercompetence, his good looks, his cleverness--can be incredibly overwhelming if you don't get to see the ugly side of him too.

and there is an ugly side, is my point. the reason this came about is because birdwatcher is a lot of conversations about what makes one person lovable, which necessarily demands exploring the opposite, and what makes one, socially speaking, worthy of scorn is all put very meanly, to say the least. the way i imagine dick's mind works is: he knows this, but he can't echo it, even to acknowledge it. in narrative terms thinking it is equal to saying it because while he's speaking to himself, i'm speaking to you. here the placement of the reader complicates things because i am trying to appeal to you, person who reads this, to find this character interesting both as a character and as a romantic option for yourself, both in and out of the story. those two things have to align at least somewhat. and if i tell you "this character (dick) thinks your outfit is frumpy and unappealing, but he doesn't say it" i am giving you 1) information about this character's tastes 2) information about how he acts, which is vital for the narrative so you get a sense of who he is, BUT ALSO i'm insulting you, through dick's mind, and so is he. because you (in story) are oblivious to his insensitive thoughts but you (in real life) are reading them so! he still comes off insultingly! it's like dating a mind reader.

and i do think dick thinks it. it's a point of pride almost to me that he does. i don't like wimpy characters who only exist to adulate the reader. not only do i think it's boring, but i genuinely think it's a disservice to the character itself. i know the whole point of this is me shoving the man under your nose and going hey wanna have sex with this dude, but, you know. i have a specific way i think dick's mind works and he just. thinks mean shit sometimes! and it's the kind of mundane meanness that rubs you off in the way that egregious acts of villainy don't because you don't come across them that often. the way you can tolerate the mafia boss getting the barrel of his gun up your hole (not a euphemism) but will not stand for the guy at the line for the bar calling you "a little too fat" unprompted, even tho one of these is glaringly worse. again. im not saying dick will think that exactly, or be an asshole in that way, but he will have to acknowledge that people that think like that exist, and it will not be in a *brandishes sword* "what say you about my beloved?!" type of way.

all this to say, if you're the sort of person who dislikes when the character you're reading for is not immediately head over heels, madly in lust with you (a perfectly reasonable viewpoint, you do you baby), im... sorry. lol.