#and if you put a lot of effort in presenting masc and someone identifies you as femme

[lost-and-cursed]

I also think that the part of the guessing problem is, genuinely, that a lot of cis people do have gender identity.

But they have the special benefit of their gender identity being The Law. Everyone taught how to get their gender right. There is a checklist that everyone learns since childhood That Actually Works On Them.

And yeah, there's two sides. One is that you were taught that there's always objective way to tell someone's gender. Therefore anyone misgendering you committing faux pas of the century. Other is that you must present in way that prescribed for your gender. So, if anyone is incapable of guessing your gender (via atypical traits or lack of presentation) It's Your Fault You're Misgendered.

So, there's two major social scripts.

1.) Sorry, I am getting bad grade at getting your gender. I am so sorry for misgendering. You present 100% correctly.

2.)You Are Breaking The Law Of Correct Gender Presentation. How dare you try to make me commit social faux pas? You're performing gender badly/You're not real [gender identity].

And reaction to non-conforming gender presentation consists mostly of trying to guess which one applies and overall confusion/irritation about needing the third option*.

*and also what needing third option means for their perception of gender and society

Was explaining some gender things to a straight cis friend today vis a vis gender presentation VS gender identity when it suddenly dawned on me with much the same horror as getting to work and realizing you left the stove on, that unless you've been immersed in a queer culture for some time you'd have no way of knowing that appearing androgynous/indeterminate/wildly gender-nonconforming is HOT

[toffeelemon]

Hi! I've recently been questioning my gender, with suspicions that I might be genderfluid. You're the first person that came to mind who is also genderfluid, which is why I ask here, but no pressure for you to answer! I was just wondering how the whole thing works, from more of a personal perspective (I can read all the wiki and educational/informational posts I want, but I want to hear more anecdotally if that makes any sense?). Obviously this is a pretty personal question, so please dont feel pressured and only answer to the point that you're comfortable (if at all). Thank you so much in advance!

hey oh gosh welcome! i feel like i probably am about to overshare sksk but i'm so touched by you reaching out i'll try my best! i don't know a lot of genderfluid people in person as well so i really appreciate this 💙

i'm not sure if my experience is relatable to the common impression of genderfluid people but here's how i experience it myself?

i'd say that i get gender euphoria from presenting both far ends of the gender spectrum at different times. i feel like sometimes people like to conflate the way trans people affirm their gender with reinforcing gender stereotypes (which i can go on a rant about how all people cis and trans perform gender as a part of self affirmation just like how you identify yourself with cultural and personality markers to better express yourself and relate to others), but for me i can recognise that gender is performative, but i also Like performing gender and think it's fun to manipulate the gendered constructs in society to my wishes to how i'd like people to think of me

occasionally i would present hyperfemme (so performative to the point it's almost akin to drag to be honest) because i expect and want people to perceive me as such. sometimes it's almost a conscious decision like. maybe this occasion is full of sapphics and i wanna attract a certain kind of attention 🌚 maybe i want to appear non threatening and more approachable and i'm working within the confines of the gendered lens the majority has. and it's good fun because i think people perceive me as gender-diverse anyway because of how playful and over the top i am with it

and well sometimes i try to present masc because i want to receive another set of expectations, impressions and social interactions... with varying degrees of success but i sure am working on it rip

either way, sometimes i just like the way i look in the mirror sksk it's not just about attention seeking

honestly? on a day to day i'm just not putting in a lot of effort to dress particularly in a gendered way. serving c*nt 24/7 is exhausting sksk

but internally i think i don't experience the "flux" as strongly as some people do. most of the time there are occasions, different groups of people that i meet maybe, that i feel strongly about how i want them to perceive me, and most of the time on the day i do go through with what i thought i would pull off and feel good about it

i do get bouts of (gendered) dysmorphia every now and then like most trans people. but internally i feel mostly neutral about my body and really am just annoyed at how bodies are gendered and hence my body is in the way of me... shapeshifting into whatever i would like people to perceive me as at any moment. like if i'm sitting in a room by myself? i could be a girl or a boy without any exterior expectations

interestingly i think i also relate my gender a lot to relationship dynamics. sometimes i like falling into gendered roles and think it could be fun and cute. sometimes i want to subvert them. half of the time i think i'm being funny for "appropriating" hetero culture existing in my non conforming body. but at the same time i'm not big into dating right now because i don't feel secure enough yet to not fall into gendered expectations that someone like a partner might trap me into

whilst i do answer to the label non-binary too what i like to say that i feel different from nb people who don't identify as genderfluid is that, whilst "not being either of the binary genders - male or female" is a common descriptor for nb people, i like to self describe as both? instead of being thought of as neither, i like to be considered as both - i'm just greedy and want to be both one of the girls and one of the boys sksk

and that feeds into my pronouns. in my mother tongue we have no gendered pronouns and on a day to day in most conversations people fill in the gaps and assume someone's gender without any clues. and in a sick way i get weirdly satisfied when people struggle with my gender, or slide back and forth, or come to different conclusions. i like being able to fit into both set of shoes, or all the shoes, at least i really try to. i enjoy weaselling myself into the hard boxes of he or she that people built for themselves and break their brains, lol

that's all coherent thoughts i have right now! was that fun? was that informative? please feel free to slide into the dms if you feel comfy to i'd love to chat and hear from you too!

sending you gender affirmative vibes <3 knowing yourself better and finding out new things about yourself is so exciting and i'm so happy for you

[noelle-holi-gay]

Is it ok if you explain what a he/him lesbian is? I tried to google it but the results kept conflicting between it being good and bad

Yeah no problem! Explanation under the cut, since it's pretty long.

To put it simply: A he/him lesbian is someone who identifies as a lesbian and uses he/him pronouns. This can feel a bit counter-intuitive (we typically assume that lesbians are women and that people who go by he/him are men), but labels arent meant to be cages; they're tools used for self-expression and to communicate with other people. How we each define ourselves, and the terms we use to do so, are personal, and no two people will define their identity in the same way.

Pronouns themselves, importantly, are not indicative of gender identity; they're more similar to presentation. Someone may identify as a woman, but present masculinely (eg, butch lesbians). Similarly, someone may identify as a woman, but present using he/him pronouns. Why? Well, I don't know, that's rather personal. Maybe it's something to do with challenging an oppressive system of gender; maybe it just makes you feel good; maybe it's nothing you can really put a finger on, or multiple things. It doesn't particularly matter.

In the same way you can identify as a woman and use he/him, you can identify as a lesbian and use he/him (though, while I'm using the example of he/him women to make my point here, it's important to note that not ALL he/him lesbians consider themselves to be women. Again, there's nuance here, and it's all very case-by-case and personal). There's a million and one reasons why someone might identify this way: sometimes it's a natural extension of a masc presentation, sometimes it's a masc-leaning FTM nonbinary person who feels culturally connected to the lesbian community even if he no longer identifies as a woman, sometimes it's a genderfluid or bigender person, sometimes it's a person who is intentionally presenting a contradictory identity in an effort to challenge heretro and cisnormative social ideologies -- but, critically, it is NEVER anyone else's business, outside of those the individual wishes to share it with.

Some (mostly cis) lesbians take issue with he/him lesbians for a variety of reasons. Most of these are dismissible as blatant or poorly-disguised transphobia (there's a lot of TERF ideology thrown around in debates over this, but that's a conversation for another time), but the one I personally see most often that isn't obviously transphobic is that he/him lesbians dilute the meaning of the lesbian label, and that if we keep down this path, these labels won't retain any real meaning. This argument, in my mind, demonstrates a fundamental misunderstand of linguistics and of labels. Firstly, no words have any 'real' meaning beyond the meaning we as users of the language ascribe to them. Secondly, the broadening of a label like this isn't a bad thing -- we've seen it before with the broadening of 'gay', of 'bi', of 'ace', of 'trans', of 'nonbinary', and nearly every other label in the acronym.

As I said before, labels aren't meant to be boxes to sort people into, they're meant to be tools to express oneself. And to tell these trans people, who are using these labels in the ways that they feel describes their experiences the best, that they are expressing themselves incorrectly? That feels eerily similar to what cishet people have been doing to the entire community for far too long. We are stronger together, and this sort of gatekeeping and exclusion only divides us. I see no merit in it.

I hope that's a useful explanation! I'm a binary trans woman, so this isn't entirely my wheelhouse, so if anyone who identifies this way (or uses non-standard pronoun/gender labels in general) wants to add on, feel free! If anyone wants to debate me over why he/him lesbians are evil and ruining the integrity of the movement and, ohhh, think of the children!, I'm not interested, so just block me and move on, thank you.

[neptunesnxpple]

Shigaraki x male reader Part 6

****Minors Do Not Interact****

Summary of the Series: You move to a new country- only to find out the apartment you moved into is the home base of a league you don’t even know about! This is sort of a found family situation where reader takes care the league.

Warnings/Tags for this Part: reader is a man or masc identifying, working over the holidays, spa day with the league, shigaraki finally gets to moisturize, reader is learning japanese, not a primary language

Part 1 ;; Part 2 ;; Part 3 ;; Part 4 ;; Part 5 ;; Part 6 ;; Part 7

Preview: “I was practicing reading a newspaper earlier this week, and I found something about a league. I couldn’t really make out much of it, but apparently there was this guy named Stain that caused quite a stir. A real mix of reactions. I was wondering if you knew anything about that? Or if he was also in the same league? I don’t want to assume that everyone that’s in the league lives with us, but, I don’t know…” you trailed off, smiling and looking at him. He tensed visibly, squeezing the cup tighter and jaw clenching. Your smile faltered, worry starting to replace it. You weren’t sure if you said something wrong, but this was not a reaction you expected,

~~~~~~~

Winter was in full force, cold biting wind and frequent flurries greeted you when you left for work whether it was early morning or late at night. The store that you worked at opened a café department and had given you first pick of whether you wanted to transfer departments or not due to your flexibility. Not having much else to do you were signed up for the night shifts. Seldom did you come across another human being at these odd hours of the night, but when you did it was always quiet souls. Other people getting ready for their midnight shifts, or perhaps people stopping on their way home. You went in at around dinner time and got home before the sun rose. They had given you a set of keys and trained you on how to close for the night, the checklist of what had to be completed before the morning shift arrived hours later. You didn’t have any qualms about this change in shifts, yet Shigaraki seemed to feel otherwise.

 Neither of you had spoken about the time in the shower, although that didn’t stop things from changing. You were released back into the custody of your bed, the actual one, while the makeshift assortment of pillows and blankets remained pressed up at the mattresses edge, a shoddy continuation of such. The two of you would play videogames when you could, go to bed and wake up with the other sleeping or just settling down for the night, and occasionally you would wake up with both of your backs pressed together in some noncommittal version of cuddling. You weren’t sure what to make of the whole situation, really. Maybe that was just something he did for the league, and who were you to judge? You enjoyed it, even if it left a nervous pit in your stomach. But, that was only if you thought about it too long.

No, once you had informed the group of your change in hours, Shigaraki got very protective and seemed to stand a little closer, move seats to be nearer when you sat in the living room, and you might have been imagining things but you swore you noticed the way he watched your movements- more attentive than in the beginning months of your arrangement. It came with great surprise, you bundled up before your first shift as Shigaraki followed you out of the door. You asked him where he was going and he scoffed, rolling his eyes and picking at the scarf saddled around his neck.

 “Don’t you know it’s dangerous around here at night?”

 He offered without explanation. You walked in comfortable silence the rest of the way, the glow of warm lights from neighboring apartment buildings, people sitting down with their families to eat a meal, lighting up the narrow sidewalk. He stopped outside of the building you worked, clearing his throat,

“I’ll walk you back once you get out of work. Just don’t make me wait,” he said gruffly, cheeks pink although surely that was from the cold. You nodded and waved him off, ducking inside and picking up where the last person left off. As expected, the later the hour got the less foot traffic you had, until it was just you for the past three hours. You kept busy with the chore list, but your mind continued to wander, thinking over how much you really knew about Shigaraki. You knew his nervous habits, the way he’d pick at his skin until you’d smack his hand away- it got to the point where if you looked at him sharply, he’d get the idea. You knew that he didn’t necessarily have parents, or a traditional family, at least from the way he spoke bitterly of his childhood. You knew that he liked your cooking, more than ordering take out- he got grumpy if he had to result to that, unless you agreed to eat with him. Then he’d simmer down. You also knew he slept more in the recent times than in the beginning, the tired lines under his eyes less severe but still present. A reminder of the heavy plate he had. You knew he was fiercely loyal, determined, and at times extremely charming although not in a way you would have expected from looking at him. He always made sure the league was well fed, worried if someone showed signs of getting sick, and took himself and their goals very seriously. To fill the time, you decided to pick up a newspaper and see how far along your kanji recognition was going. You flipped through, scanning for words that jumped out- eyes catching on a headline you could mostly understand. It took a couple of run throughs, but they were mentioning a league of some sort. One that had big ideas that were controversial to the public- and a figure named Stain that had really incited the public. This article seemed to be focusing mostly on peoples reactions to this Stain figure. You made out bits and pieces- some people calling it scary while others thought Stain and his ideals were cool. You wondered if Stain was part of the same league that the rest of the gang was a part of. You couldn’t understand a lot of what was being said, and you weren’t sure how much bias was in this paper, so you weren’t going to make your mind up quite yet. You’d do a little more investigating once you felt more up for it. You tucked it away under the counter and began searching for a broom.

 A week into your new schedule, on a particularly chilly night, you handed Shigaraki a cup of hot chocolate for the walk home, turning the key and holding your own. Maybe it was the lack of adequate sleep or the comfort of the quiet evening- streets empty except for the two of you and the steam sneaking out of your travel mugs, that lead you to asking the following-

 “So, are you, uh, into guys?” you forced yourself to remain calm and casual, wanting this to seem like it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Perhaps if you put out an aura of ease, the conversation wouldn’t feel as awkward. You kept your eyes forward. Shigaraki was silent for much too long in your opinion,

 “Perhaps,” he answered, doing much the same. Your throat tightened- this guy tended to your every need when you were sick and after the incident in the shower, he had to be at least some level of into guys. You gripped the cup tighter, swallowing.

 “I am,” you announced. He made a noise of amusement at that, nodding and instead of scratching his neck, picking at the side of his cup instead.

 “Yeah. I mean, I am, too. Also into… guys.”

 You couldn’t make out his tone of voice, although it was unusual in comparison to what you were used to. Too tired to try and analyzed it, you nodded in agreement.

 “Cool.” Needing the conversation to change topics desperately, you offered one that you had hardly spent much time looking into, “I was practicing reading a newspaper earlier this week, and I found something about a league. I couldn’t really make out much of it, but apparently there was this guy named Stain that caused quite a stir. A real mix of reactions. I was wondering if you knew anything about that? Or if he was also in the same league? I don’t want to assume that everyone that’s in the league lives with us, but, I don’t know…” you trailed off, smiling and looking at him. He tensed visibly, squeezing the cup tighter and jaw clenching. Your smile faltered, worry starting to replace it. You weren’t sure if you said something wrong, but this was not a reaction you expected,

 “How much did you read?”

 “Not a lot, I’m still practicing my kanji, but I do know that some people were kind of afraid of him and the league while others thought it was kind of cool. I think, whenever there’s something new people have a tendency to be a little scared,” you shrugged, “I didn’t really get much about what the situation was or any details.” You watched his shoulders fall while his knuckles remained white. You didn’t expect much of a response.

 “Stain is… was part of the league, but not a big part,” there it was, that bitterness again, “he’s not much of an active participant right now. The real league members are the ones in the apartment. He was good for publicity, that’s all.”

 You nodded. This made you all the more determined to add more kanji to your repertoire, so you could get more of a gist about what the league was.  

 With the holiday season approaching, your hours got longer. The numbers of days you worked in a week teetering between five and six. You felt the effects on your joints, your back, neck, feet, everything was sore and tight. All too tight. You made an effort to stretch but that could only do so much. Your physical form NEEDED to sleep. Your body may feel broken, but your bank account wasn’t. That’s what got you through the upcoming holiday horror, what made you move your heavy limbs out of bed and grab some leftovers from the fridge to eat with haste before bolting out the door. With Christmas coming up, your work introduced reservations as apparently cafes were popular dates for the season. You never paid much attention to the holiday before moving, but apparently in Japan it was more so known as a couples holiday. The thought sat with you oddly. A couples holiday… Or at least one for confessions. Your mind wandered to Shigaraki, considering the idea of a grand gesture. Then again, maybe this was all completely one sided. It wasn’t like you could do much either, you were scheduled in a ridiculous manner. Despite all that he continued to walk you to and from, a hot chocolate was all you had to pay and even on nights when you forgot he seemed to let it slide.

 By the end of the holiday weekend you were ragged. Far too little sleep had left you feeling loopy, the smallest things bursting you into fits of laughter and making tiny little mistakes more often than not. You brushed it off, knowing that the following week you had off. On the last night of your hell month, you locked up and were met with a particularly jittery Shigaraki.

 “You alright?” you asked.

 “Never better,” he responded shortly. Moments passed before he acknowledged you directly again, “you’ll be hanging around at home more often now, right?” his uncertainty clung to every word. You nodded,

 “Yeah. I don’t want to do anything but lounge out for the next week,” you sighed happily, stretching your arms to the sky with a smile on your face, “I bet you’ll still be working hard though, right?”

 He hummed in acknowledgement. You approached the apartment door and heard hushed voices and movement from the other side. You slowly opened the door, peeking in.

 “Welcome home!” they cheered, a mismatch of decorations hung from the wall and ceiling.

 “We got face masks! None as cool as mine, though I’m flattered you’d want to imitate my style,” Twice struck a pose, holding out the individual packets of different face masks,

 “And candles! Also, bath salts!” Toga proudly showed her contribution to it, one by one different members of the league offered a variety of products, Magne proudly displaying her collection of nail care and colors, offering to provide manicures. It was therapeutic for her as well. And with that, the league had their own spa night, Shigaraki struggling as Toga applied a moisturizing mask to his face while Twice both cheered her on and feebly attempted to get her to stop. You melted into the couch, enjoying the company. It was nice to be around friends and family again.

 The night wrapped up with everyone crowded in the bathroom after washing or peeling off the masks, a variety of different bath salts combined in the tub while everyone rolled their pants up to their knee and either sat on the side or waded in the tiny tub, crammed together holding a hodgepodge of glasses, mugs, filled with either wine or juice depending on the crewmember.  You all laughed and relaxed, catching up for the first time in a month despite all living in the same small apartment.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Hi, I don’t know if you meant to be biphobic with the post about Eleanor, but saying that bi people aren’t queer enough because of the gender of their partner is textbook biphobia, and also sexuality =/= gender presentation or identity

You are right about bi people being bi period, and that sexuality isn’t the same as gender presentation or identity. Thank you for saying something. It can be difficult to reach out to someone on discourse-y issues, and I appreciate that you were willing to do that. However, I am also pretty frustrated by this because that is not what I said, and in fact I put in so much thought and effort into trying to make it clear that that is NOT what I was saying the first time around, I am having trouble thinking of anything to add that would make it more clear. But I will try anyways? *This isn’t about actual people. This is about media representation. There is a difference between real world people, who are what they are, and fictional characters created by someone, who...well, when people create a fictional character, they are making choices about how that character is going to be. Real people do not choose their sexual orientation. Fictional characters get their sexual orientation chosen for them, by their creators. Criticizing media representation is about criticizing the CREATORS, not the characters and not any real world people who might resemble or identify with the characters. *This isn’t about how ACTUALLY queer someone is. This is about straight people’s PERCEPTION of queerness, and straight people’s tendency to avoid showing characters or interactions that are “too queer”.  I want representation of things that straights tend to leave out as “too queer” in addition to representation that gets past the radar because it’s “not too queer”, and this has nothing to do with who is queer enough or not queer enough in real life. *Straight men tending to fetishize women’s attraction to women is part of this as well. When a woman expresses sexual attraction to another woman in media (ie, not a real person, a fictional character), that is sometimes more motivated by appealing to male sexual fantasies than by trying to represent queer women accurately or in a way that queer women will appreciate. Different goals, generally different outcomes. *I think there should be more same-sex relationships on TV and in movies, including same-sex relationships where one or more characters are bisexual (or pansexual.) I think The Good Place would have done better on queer rep if they’d had that. It’s not the end of the world that they didn’t have that, and same sex relationships aren’t the one true only most important form of queer rep, but it would have been nice if they did. Especially given that there were SO many different pairings experimented with -- mixing up who’s with whom is a major part of the show. *I would like to see characters’ queerness affect them in ways other than who they find “hot”, and in particular I would like to have seen Eleanor’s bisexuality extend a little bit beyond the occasional throw-away line or joke about her finding Tahani attractive. Again, not just relationships, but unrequited crushes, tending to hang out with other queer people, experiencing discrimination or internalized whatever due to being queer (not all the time, sometimes it’s good to have a setting where queerness is just accepted and it’s all good), engaging in queer related activism when appropriate, having it influence what you read or what sort of music you listen to, anything really. *Again, this isn’t about real people. Any real queer person who figures it’s just about who they find hot and that’s it, that’s fine, you do you. There are queer people whose queerness affects far more than that, and those queer people deserve representation too. Deserve to see characters like them on TV and in movies.

*Of course presentation isn’t queerness, and plenty of queer women don’t have their queerness affect their presentation. Also, plenty of queer women do. (Just like straightness affects how both straight men and straight women present themselves.) It’s not a problem to sometimes have queer women present the same way they would if they were straight. It is a problem when queer presentations NEVER get shown though, in that something isn’t getting represented. (I’m not just talking eg full on butch presentation, although holy cow we need more butch/masc of center characters, sometimes it’s little details like a septum piercing or a rainbow pin. The online magazine Autostraddle has a lot of content about queer presentation that you might find relevent.) *For me personally, I am a bi woman (ish) in a relationship with a man. I didn’t feel particularly connected to Eleanor as a bi person, because being bisexual has affected my life in a lot of ways that it didn’t affect Eleanor’s life. It is OK for other bisexuals to identify with Eleanor and to be happy about having a bisexual as a central character on a TV show. It is also OK for other bisexuals, like myself, to go “wow, they could have done this so much better.” *If you don’t know what I’m talking about, maybe consider consuming more media (fanfic counts) by queer creators about queer characters and see if you notice the difference? Again, thank you for reaching out, I hope I didn’t come across as too hostile, wishing you the best.