#and if u choose simon then same thing happens with him

[lesbiten]

no bc how are you gonna have this man say “our hearts are compatible” and then not have him be a romance option

[dameronology]

tea & whiskey {jack daniels x reader} - 1

part one: an insight into how microwaving tea should be a capital crime (fem! reader) 

song for this chapter - ldn by lily allen

summary: you’re Percival; reigning queen of the Kingsman, certified bad-ass and one of the most self-sufficient women to have ever graced the City of London. A mission with the Statesmen is a chance to further your career and tighten your grip on international success - it’s a shame that Jack Daniels already has his eyes on the throne. He also has his eyes on you, and it proves to be a problem for you both. {series masterlist}

this has all the kingsman characters but doesn’t follow the canon of golden circle. eggsy, tequila, champ, merlin etc all crop up throughout the series as well! if u want to be tagged, gimme a shout 

- jazz

You didn’t usually answer the door when someone knocked after 11PM. 

It was just common sense, really. Only serial killers, creeps and people who had the wrong address would knock that late. You could have taken on any of those three regardless - you were a bad-ass after all - but you were also busy. You’d been tirelessly working all day at the office, and the grind didn’t stop just because you’d got home. The stack of paperwork beside your computer felt like it was never ending and you simply didn’t have the time to answer the door. Working as Kingsman was more of a lifestyle than it was a job.

‘Oi!’

You almost jumped out your seat when the banging moved to the window beside your desk. It overlooked your front lawn and the quiet street you lived on - well, as quiet as a street in central London could be. Classic to the city, rain was lashing down on the glass, obscuring your view of whoever your visitor was. 

Right, you could add Eggsy Unwin to the list of people who knocked this late. 

‘What the hell, Eggsy?!’ You sighed, opening the front door. Your colleague quickly rushed from where he was standing by the window, elbowing past you and into the dry warmth of your house. ‘It’s almost midnight-’

‘- I’ve been calling you for hours!’ The agent exclaimed. 

‘I’ve been working all day.’ You replied. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d turned up at your doorstep at a stupid hour. Eggsy was your colleague, but first and foremost, he was your best friend. He had a tendency to drive you up the fucking wall and right back down again, and had done since you were in your school years, but he’d always been a little dependent on you. Whether it had been letting him crash on your sofa when his stepfather became too much, or giving him a lift home from the police station at 2AM after he’d been arrested, you always had his back. He had yours too, but you rarely needed it. Even after becoming a member of the Kingsman and essentially saving the world, you were still the first person he came too. 

After wrapping Eggsy up in a towel and escorting him to the kitchen, you placed a mug of warm tea on the table and sat beside him. Work could wait - for an hour or so at least. Chasing an internationally-reclaimed terrorist certainly took precedence over whatever your friend’s problems were, but if he needed you, he needed you. Bros before hoes might not have been the perfect saying for the situation, but the sentiment was definitely there. 

‘What’s happened now?’ You quirked an eyebrow. ‘I know it ain’t an arrest because you would have called from the station otherwise.’

Eggsy thinned his eyes at you. ‘I haven’t been arrested in two years.’

‘So what was it?’

‘I had a fight with Tilde.’ He admitted. ‘I don’t know what happened, but she’s mad at me.’

‘Were you talking before she got mad?’

‘Yeah.’

You raised your mug in the air. ‘That’s probably it then.’

‘Y/N!’ He swatted your hand away, causing tea to spill out onto the table. 

You sighed. ‘D’you wanna talk about it?’

‘No, I just need a place to crash.’

You stood up, leaning over the table to give his shoulder a squeeze. ‘You know where the spare room is, right?’

‘That’s it?’ He pouted. ‘Tea and a squeeze on the shoulder? My life is falling apart!’

‘Don’t be a drama queen.’ You replied. ‘I have to work - and you should be too. We’re close to getting Calahan.’

Calahan was the codename for the terrorist you’d been tracking - at least his current one. The man had worked under several aliases, jumping from country to country before finally falling under the jurisdiction of the British secret services. The MI5 and Scotland Yard were too well known to work such a sensitive case; the location of their offices were publicly known, making it easier for Calahan to slip in double agents. The civilians, however, had no knowledge on the Kingsmen. A tailor’s shop was a perfectly good front for a place to set up base and track the man down. 

Thanks to your success on your previous missions, Arthur had put you in charge of finding him, with Eggsy assigned as your partner. He was just as good an agent as you, but you had little sympathy for his domestic issues. 

‘I was working on it all day.’ Eggsy held his hands up in surrender. ‘But with all due respect, Percival, I don’t work into the late hours of the night. I know how to switch off.’

‘That’s because you’re a man, Eggsy.’ You reminded him. ‘I am one of three women at Kingsman.’

‘That’s still three more than there used to be.’ 

‘You’ve already pissed off one extremely patient woman tonight.’ You warned him, referring to Tilde. ‘Do you want to go two for two?’

‘No.’ He huffed. ‘Women are just complicated.’

‘Or maybe men are just dumb.’ You smiled sweetly, before brushing a hand through his hair. ‘You should get some rest.’

‘So should you.’

‘I’m fine.’ You shook your head. ‘I’ve got a meeting with Merlin in the morning. We’ll have to leave at eight.’

‘Do I have to go? Merlin hasn’t said anything to me-’

‘- yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I said so.’

He couldn’t argue with that. 

--

The following morning, you were headed for the Kingsman headquarters by 9AM. Having filled Eggsy with some coffee and half a bacon-sandwich, he had cheered up considerably. You did feel for him - he had been right when he said that women were confusing - but your attention was still very much on work. That was the norm, really. You lived and breathed for your job. It wasn’t your whole identity but it was certainly your whole life. You were recruited at eighteen and now, it was all you knew. The other agents were your family. 

‘C’mon, Eggsy!’ You demanded, practically leaping out your car. Your arms were piled high with files, keys dangling from your fingers as you kicked the door to the Mustang shut. It had been a present from Kingsmen for a particularly successful mission. 

‘There’s no rush.’ Eggsy chided from behind you. ‘You should enjoy a little leisurely stroll once in a while. It might do that vein on your forehead some good.’ 

Whilst you were decked out in a blazer and black jeans, Eggsy was in his usual snapback and sports jacket. He trailed beside you, hands stuffed in his pockets as you both slipped inside the shop. It was quiet inside, the only sounds coming from the bell on the door and the sound of your heels on the polished wooden floors. You didn’t just wear them because they made your legs look endless - they doubled up as weapons too. Merlin hadn’t done anything special to them, it was just that anything was a blade if you tried hard enough. Your five inch Christian Louboutins were no different. The fact the bottoms were already red was purely a convenient coincidence. 

‘She still hasn’t called me.’ Eggsy murmured. 

‘I’m sure she will.’ You gave his arm a light squeeze. ‘Tilde loves you, Egghead.’ 

‘Fucking ‘ell.’ He let out a snort. ‘You haven’t called me that in years.’

The two of you made your way down the hall and towards the meeting room. Merlin was already sitting at the table, pens and notepads laid out in front of him. Considering that you’d worked together for years, you hardly knew the man. He was always working, always building new gadgets or arranging missions. Did he ever sleep? You wouldn’t have been surprised if it turned out that he’d been a droid this whole time. Someone had mentioned his name being Hamish once, but he didn’t seem like a Hamish. You always pegged him as more of a...Simon. Or a Mark. 

‘You two are late.’ He greeted you. 

‘It’s nine o’clock.’ You shot back, dropping into the seat opposite him. 

‘Early is on time.’ Merlin folded his arms across his chest. ‘On time is late.’

You rolled your eyes at the agent. ‘You know how London traffic can be.’

Choosing to ignore your comment, the Scotsman hit a few buttons on the table in front of him. The whiteboard in front of you jumped to life, lighting up with a picture of New York City - specifically, Midtown. You’d been to the city several times for work, usually to do recon or on protection details for British politicians before diplomatic visits. Outside of that, any missions in North America were outside of the Kingmen’s authority. That was when it fell to the USA’s secret services - a bunch of people you weren’t particularly fond of working with. 

‘Calahan slipped out of the country.’ Merlin stated. ‘He’s been spotted in Manhattan by several of our contacts at the Bureau.’ 

‘What?!’ You guffawed. ‘I thought we had tabs on him. You told me we had tabs on him-’

‘- let me finish, Percival.’ He cut you off. ‘We let him.’

‘You…’ you scoffed in disbelief. ‘You let a known terrorist escape the borders?! You know that I’ve had tabs on him for months! Are you trying to waste my time?’

‘Calm down, agent!’ Merlin repeated, this time in a more firm tone. It was easy to let your temper get the best of you - but at the same time, it was the very thing that had allowed you to force your colleagues into submission. ‘He has more charges on his back in American jurisdiction. We have a better chance of convicting him over there.’

‘You could have told me that before I spent six months tailing him.’ You dropped back in your chair, folding your arms tightly across your chest. 

‘Your mission isn’t over.’ Merlin replied. ‘You know more about Calahan than any men here or across the pond. I want you posted in New York for a few months.’

‘Oh?’ You sat up, interest peaked. 

Working internationally was usually the first step to becoming a senior agent. It was one thing to commandeer the respect of your colleagues but to throw your name into the ring on a global scale? That was how you made it big time - and big time meant big time. Your work would go from being based in London, to taking you all over the world. Kingsman who worked on an international level could be in Moscow one day and Bogota the next. Once they retired, they were legends. It was the kind of success you’d dreamed of your whole life.

And New York was the first stepping stone. 

‘It’s only if you want it, of course.’ Merlin pulled you from your thoughts. ‘The Statesman have agreed to accommodate you, should you choose to accept.’

‘Statesmen?’ You tried to hide the displeasement in your face. ‘Like...the cowboys?’

‘Is there a problem, Percival?’

‘No!’ You quickly replied. ‘It’s just...I worked with one of them once. It wasn’t great.’

‘Here we go.’ Eggsy murmured from beside you. ‘She witnessed Agent Tequila make tea in the microwave.’

‘And I swore never to work with them again.’ You hissed under your breath, fists clenching.

‘I can see how that would be disturbing.’ Merlin agreed. ‘Though I’m not entirely sure it’s enough reason to turn down a potentially career changing mission.’

‘No, you’re right.’ You nodded. ‘But I can bring my own kettle, right?’

--

‘I can’t believe you brought your own fucking kettle.’

‘And I can’t believe that Merlin is making me drag you along-’

‘- it’s only for a week.’ Eggsy held his hands up in defense.

Eggsy, who had momentarily forgotten his relationship woes, had been posted out in the city with you for the first five or six days. Merlin and Arthur had been pretty insistent on him joining you - something about making sure you didn’t blow your lid at a cowboy. It was funny, because you were usually the one babysitting him. That being said, deep down you were glad to have him there with you. It would have made settling in a little easier. 

You were moving faster than him, the sound of your heels clicking on the marble floors of the Statesman headquarters as you floated towards the front desk. The building was right in central Manhattan, bang in the middle of all the beautiful things New York had to offer. Not that you were going to experience many of them - you were here to work, after all. 

‘Percival!’ Agent Tequila was posted by the front desk, a grin spread across his face as your eyes met. ‘And...I know they told me your name, but I’ve forgotten.’

‘He’s Galahad 2.0.’ You stuck your hand out to Tequila, offering him the kettle. ‘This is for you.’

‘A...a kettle?’ The agent gave you an odd look. 

‘If I’m going to be working with you for the next few months, I cannot witness you making tea in a microwave.’ You explained. ‘I may murder you in your sleep otherwise.’

‘Jeez, lady.’ He muttered. He would have argued, but if there was one thing he’d learnt from your last collaboration, it was that nobody entered into a fight with you and won. ‘But it’s okay, you’re not with me this time.’

‘Oh?’ You quirked an eyebrow. Tequila began to make his way to the lift, signalling for you and Eggsy to follow. 

‘No, you’re with Whiskey this time.’ He explained, pressing the button for the top floor. ‘He’s a little more senior than me.’

‘Whiskey and Tequila?’ Eggsy muttered in your ear. ‘What’s their boss called? Pale ale?’

‘Champagne.’ You replied. 

‘Good one.’ He snorted.

‘No, Eggsy.’ You whispered back. ‘He’s actually called Champagne.’

‘Fucking hell.’ 

Yeah, you thought, that kinda sums it up.

The three of you stepped out the lift and onto the top floor. The views from the windows were almost breath-taking; it wasn’t often that you got to see 360 degree views of one of the most beautiful cities in the world. The skyscrapers stretched out further than the eye could see, eventually melting together in the distance where the sky met the land. It was almost breath-taking just to think about - the people, the opportunities, the magic that New York had to offer. London was your home, and you couldn’t even begin to dream of leaving, but your mind did wander off a little. 

‘Whiskey! I got your girl!’ Tequila yelled, pressing a button on an intercom outside one of the offices. He gave Eggsy a quick glance. . ‘And...the other one.’

‘Sweet Jesus, Tequila!’ A strong Southern accent came back. ‘You don’t gotta yell every time you use the fucking thing! I’m gonna be deaf as a goddamn doornail before I’m fifty.’

A moment later, the door to the office opened and Agent Whiskey stepped out. He was about the same height as Tequila, but a little older. He was wearing a cow-boy hat and there was a...was it a swagger? A spring in his step? Either way, the temptation to stick your foot out and stop him in his tracks was overwhelming. 

‘Well hello, pretty lady.’ Whiskey greeted you with a shit-eating grin. ‘I hear that you’re the little birdy who’s gonna give me Calahan?’

‘I prefer Percival.’ You monotonously replied. ‘And if I’m the little birdy that’s gonna give you Calahan, then you must be the yankee who stole him from me.’

‘Girl’s gotta bite.’ He gave your hand a shake. ‘I like that.’

‘This is Galahad.’ You pointed to Eggsy, who was inwardly holding his breath at the whole exchange. He was mentally counting down the minutes before you smacked off Whiskey’s cowboy hat. ‘Let’s see if you can acknowledge his gender three times in one breath-’

‘- okay, that’ll do!’ Your best friend pulled you back, taking Whiskey’s hand in place of yours. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you, Whiskey.’

‘Please, call me Jack.’ The cowboy replied. 

‘Whiskey. Jack.’ Eggsy murmured under his breath. ‘Oh my days! Imagine if your surname was Daniels.’

After a brief conversation with Jack about his surname - during which you had seen Eggsy Unwin more entertained than ever before - you were taken down the hall to the agent’s office. Meanwhile, Eggsy and Tequila were escorted off to exchange some files that you’d both gathered. 

Whiskey’s office was exactly as you could have predicted; a mixture of dark wood furniture and red tones. The air smelt of his aftershave, with a hint of brandy and earth.

‘Your desk is that one there.’ Whiskey gestured to a slightly smaller set-up in the corner. 

‘I don’t get my own office?’

‘Since we’re gonna be working in close proximity, Champ figured it was best we double up.’ He explained. ‘Saves us doing a whole revolving door movement when we gotta talk to one another.’

‘Makes sense.’ You placed your bag on the desk, admiring the view for a moment. All of your files on Calahan had been uploaded to the Statesmen’s online cloud, whilst your other belongings had been delivered to the apartment you were staying in. ‘Nice view.’

‘It ain’t bad.’ Whiskey nodded. ‘You been to this neck of the woods before?’ 

‘Only when British diplomats need a babysitter.’ You replied.

‘Babysitting?’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s what you Kingsmen do? You babysit?’

‘Why d’you think Eggsy is here?’ You shot back. ‘To babysit me.’

‘Now why would a well-mannered redcoat such as yourself need a babysitter?’ He could barely hide the grin in his voice, leaning back against the window as he peered at you over his glasses.

‘How would I put it in your terms?’ You pondered for a moment, offering Whiskey a sweet smile. ‘Is there a Southern term for I eat cowboys alive?’ 

He gulped. ‘I...I don’t think we got one for that yet.’ 

You nodded, turning your attention back to staring at the view in front of you. ‘You should come up with one. It might be useful.’ 

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, part seven

By the end of the night at Jeff and Glenne’s, Lexi was nowhere to be found. You didn’t really mind--you didn’t feel as out of place as you’d expected and Harry had been more than happy to bring you around to different friends or familiar faces to say hello. 

A girl with dark brown hair who sang backup on his album listened excitedly as he brought her up to speed on the new plan for release. The album, originally due out in August or September was now being pushed to December. It was strategic really. 

Late summer buzz when the baby announcement came out. Winter album release, promo before and after to tide his fans over until a spring time tour, giving him the perfect span of three or four stationary months in L.A. that aligned with your maternity leave.

Genius, really. It was all thanks to Jeff and his team.

So you smiled at the girl with the dark hair and pretended you didn’t notice the fact that she kept stealing glances down at your belly, as small as it still was. 

This was the risky stage, really, when people got it wrong and asked about someone’s due date, only to be mortified when someone gave the dreaded response, I’m not pregnant. You’d seen it happen to someone else once, a woman in the checkout line at the grocery store. The cashier put her foot in her mouth and you vowed to never ask someone about their due date unless they mentioned it first. 

So you cut Laura some slack. 

“We’ll tour it next spring and summer, so you’ll have to come,” he said to his friend, a smile on his face when he lifted up his sunglasses. The sun had already sunk beneath the horizon, his cheeks were tinged pink from the hot day.

“I’ll bring your youngest audience member ever,” you revealed, letting a hand rub over your belly as you offered a smile in her direction.

“Oh, that’s so sweet! When are you due?”

“January, middle of the month. So--I might need some noise canceling headphones.”

“Hey--I make good music,” Harry pretended to take offense. 

“I didn’t say you don’t--”

“Is it yours?” Laura asked, her eyes pulling up to Harry’s face for a second, wide with shock.

Harry looked down at you, down at the bump. You could tell he was frozen, unsure of what he should say and how he should say it. 

“No--God no,” you said quickly. “It’s our friend, Peter.”

Harry’s lips twitched into a smile. “Yeah--Peter, he’s a good friend. He’s a great guy, a dream, really. Gonna be a great father.”

“He’s okay,” you made a face at Harry. “A lot to learn, probably never changed a diaper in his life.”

“He has too,” Harry defended quickly. “At least five or six.”

“Well he’ll be changing probably five or six a day.”

“That’s fine, he’ll be fine with that. He’s extremely committed to that baby.”

“Yeah, well,” you stifled a laugh. “We’ll see.”

Laura laughed, a skeptical look disappeared from her face when Glenne came up and offered dessert, effectively breaking up the conversation. Harry draped an arm over your shoulder for a split second when most people had started to make their way to the other side of the pool. 

“Just so you know, I’m gonna make you call her and explain that lie once we come out with it.”

“Deal,” you said. “I’ll tell her you had sex with your friend Peter’s girlfriend and we didn’t know who’s it was until it was born..”

“Jesus,” he laughed. “Can’t tell if you’re the funniest person I’ve met or the meanest.”

“I like to think I’m a mix of both.”

**

It was probably a good thing that you didn’t see Harry for another week after that. The onesie and the party at Jeff and Glenne’s and a completely new project at work had you feeling incredibly overwhelmed, left with only enough energy to drive home, take off your bra, and sit on the couch. 

Most nights Lexi was home. There were a few evenings when she’d meet Glenne and Jeff or stay late on set. She’d come home with leftovers or funny stories, and you’d fall asleep before 10pm. 

But you figured it was a good thing, the distance and space. The last two times you’d seen him, you left with a glow. The infatuation kind, not the pregnancy kind. That type of shit was asking for trouble. 

So you ignored the urge to call or text him. Most days he’d ask how you were feeling, what you were up to. You’d take your time to respond, give short answers and tell him you were too busy to see him. It wasn’t necessarily true, but you were tired. Too tired to drive all the way to his house in the hills and then all the way home. Especially when being around him required the self-control and restraint that it suddenly did.

You answered when he called, talked on the phone for an hour at a time some days. You told yourself it was nothing. It was normal it was normal it was normal. 

On the Wednesday of week twelve, you were scheduled to meet with the same crew: Jeff, Harry, Dave, Emma, Lola, and John. This time, the topic was a bit more hopeful. Some type of strategy meeting to talk about what type of information to release and what to keep private. 

When you woke up and started rifling through your closet, you came to a grim realization. Things weren’t fitting the same. Buttoned shirts now felt tight around the tummy, pants felt a bit snug in the waist. 

It happened overnight, really. You’d heard about the pop--when your belly finally protrudes outward and when you actually start to look pregnant, not just bloated. You didn’t know when it would come, but you certainly weren’t prepared for it to already be here.

Lexi was already gone, otherwise you’d storm into her room and make her promise you didn’t look funny. You weren’t about to FaceTime Glenne--only in fear that Jeff would be around and think you were being ridiculous. You also figured keeping your distance from him wasn’t a bad idea. 

So you settled on a dress, a casual one, and you didn’t even realize that someone might notice until you walked into work. 

Aarav didn’t even seem to look at you twice--he was too busy in his office dealing with a last minute request from Levi. Simone was busy too, and when you met up with them for lunch, you kept your tray and plate in front of you, praying and hoping that they wouldn’t notice the way you looked a bit more round. 

A text came across your phone when Aarav went on about Carson. 

Harry (12:43pm): Twelve week mark! See you at 5pm?

It was almost a relief to walk into the Westwood office building at the end of the day. It was a comfort, really, to be in a room full of people who knew your biggest secret. Harry met you in the lobby, a smile on his face when you offered a hug. 

“Look at me,” you said quietly, a few people passed by on their way out of work. “I look pregnant.”

He looked down, his brows furrowed together and his lips pushed out. He scanned your figure, a wave of relief washed over you when he spoke. “Wouldn’t have noticed if you didn’t say anything--but, you do, a bit. You look good.”

“I feel weird,” you said, following him over to the same elevators as you tried to ignore the compliment. “I used to just look bloated, but now it’s like--real.”

Once the doors shut and afforded you both some privacy, he turned to face you. 

“You look beautiful,” he said, voice quiet as the elevator whirred. “Can I--can I feel it?”

“Oh,” you looked down, a hand immediately on your own belly. You’d been doing it plenty, a force of habit, now, really. You found yourself doing it in meetings, on the phone, one hand on the steering wheel and another on the bump. “Yeah, of course you can--here,” you reached for his hand, guiding it towards you, warmth when he made contact. 

It felt a little silly. It was still just your stomach--somewhere deeper in there was a baby the size of a lime. He kept his eyes on the blue fabric of your dress, both of your hands over his until the doors opened. 

Jeff, on the other side, was caught off guard. “Hi--hey, I was just coming to find you.”

“Hi,” you said, a step back from Harry as if there was some sort of rule about proximity. 

He offered an awkward smile, motioned for you to both follow him down the same long hall, past the same rooms and chairs and windows. Harry let out a giggle under his breath, smirked in your direction, another wave of butterflies.

It was the first time you’d seen any of them since the test results, you swore Dave seemed to soften when you sat across from him, this time, Harry was beside you. 

“So,” Dave spoke, a quick glance around the room. “Good to see everyone.”

“Yeah, thanks for coming,” Jeff said, settling into his seat before he reached for a water bottle. “Lola--you’re good to start us off?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, short red hair brushed the tops of her shoulders. She smiled in your direction, much less hesitant than times before. “We’re really here today to start thinking about how we want to share this news. It’s obviously not going to stay a secret forever, so we’re wondering about different options to get in front of it--while still maintaining everyone’s safety and privacy.”

You nodded, a sideways glance in Harry’s direction.

“We have a few options, Harry, about how to do that,” Jeff explained. “We could choose an outlet to inform and let them break it. Or, we could talk about a social media post, a statement from Lola…”

He turned to look at you, caution in his eyes when you offered a small smile. Nothing felt ideal--nothing they said sounded like a good option or like it wouldn’t bring trouble. 

Up until now, really, it had just been the two of you. That was, if you didn’t count the four other people in the room, Lexi, Glenne, your mother, and his family. So, the twelve of you, really. 

Things until now were quiet and private, a small buzz that was stressful enough. You couldn’t even imagine the news spreading, questions, accusations, the ways all of the aforementioned would keep you up at night. 

Harry looked around the room. “Uh--a statement is probably best, yeah?”

“I would think so--your fans will want to hear from you though, too,” Jeff nodded.

Lola smiled, softly, in your direction. “What do you think, Y/N?”

You were shocked, really. Stammered a few things before wishing you could disappear, totally not equipped to respond to that type of question. “Uh, yeah--the statement--I don’t know, whatever you think,” you looked towards Harry, a sudden feeling in your gut that out of everyone in the room, you could trust him the most. 

“We should wait until you’re father along,” Jeff said. “Probably closer to the sixth month mark?”

You nodded--that was something you could get behind. It also gave you some more time to figure out who needed to know before then. As contractual as this had become, there were still some people in your life who’d benefit from finding out that you were pregnant with a celebrity’s baby from you, rather than on TV or online.

Lola went on to say something else, but you were too busy making a list in your brain of who that entailed. 

Levi, Simone, Aarav. Your two aunts in Oregon. Your college roommate, Brie, maybe even your father--if you could track him down. You could feel your heartbeat in your chest, more people to disappoint, more people to make the admission to: I fucked up. I didn’t check all the boxes in the right order.

“Does that sound alright?” Harry turned to get a better look at you, his eyes searched your face.

“What?”

“September,” Lola said. “Make the statement in September.”

“Sure,” you nodded. Two months away. That felt like an eternity. 

“How are you feeling about it?” Her question was directed at you, but it took you a second to realize that. Harry watched you, his eyebrows lifted as he waited for a response. 

“About having a baby?”

“About coming out with it,” Jeff said. 

You shifted in your office chair, hands clasped on your lap. “I don’t really know what to expect, to be fair.”

Jeff looked at Harry, then at Lola. 

Harry cleared his throat and rested his elbows on the table, he spoke directly to you. “I think there’ll be some people who are really upset and some who are really happy.”

“You should make your social media private,” Lola said. “That’s the majority of what comes up when I ran a google search of your name. A few things about your work if you dig really deep.”

“Which they will,” Harry said. 

“Okay,” you nodded. “Should I be, like, worried about my safety?

“No,” Jeff said. “Definitely not. If there’s anything that makes you uncomfortable we’ll assess and just get a security detail.”

Harry made a face at that, one you couldn’t read. He sat back in his chair and listened to Lola say more about the announcement and how important it was for him to set the tone once the news was out. 

You were almost as zoned out as he was, but you heard mention of make them believe you’re excited, and that’s when you decided you’d had enough. So you stared out the window, nodded every few seconds to make them think you were listening and invested and following along so you could follow the rules. 

Sure, maybe accidentally getting pregnant wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but Lola’s insinuation that neither of you were excited felt like a dig. Out of everyone in the room, you were the one who had to deal with the most shit. Not only did you get a baby out of one drunken night, but you also got the body changes, the hormones, and the new relationship with someone who was too famous for his own good. 

But aside from all of that--all the shit that made this stressful and terrifying and overwhelming altogether--there was still a piece of you that was excited. And it was easier to feel that later that night when you sat in the same In N’ Out parking lot as before. 

“You don’t, like, regret deciding to keep it, right?”

Your question caught him off guard. He was mid-bite and let out a bit of a cough, wiping his mouth with the backside of his hand before he looked over at you. 

“No--do you?”

“No. I don’t know. Lola said we have to act excited. As if we aren’t at all or something.”

“I know,” he said, voice quieter. “That was pretty shitty, but I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

You nodded, hoping he was right. 

“I am excited, to be clear.”

“Me too,” a nod. “I’m getting more excited. Next time we see Dr. Weston we might be able to know the sex.”

He smirked. “We already know the sex, Y/N.”

“Where’s your premonition coming from?” You laughed. “What makes you so sure?”

He laughed, a sip from his water bottle. “I think you’re going to be a really good mom no matter what. But I think you’d be especially good with a little girl.”

“You’re going to sound like such an asshole if we have a boy.”

“If we have a boy it’ll be great! He can like sports and princesses, too.”

You took another bite of your dinner, a silent prayer that this pregnancy wouldn’t turn against you and make you hate the smell of In N’ Out. “I think you’ll be a good dad, too.”

And then he did it again. He looked out the window and seemed to be somewhere else. Maybe somewhere not as congested as LA, easier and quieter and somewhere were you didn’t exist and the plum sized baby didn’t either. 

You stuck a french fry in your mouth and chewed--thankful for the fact that the silence didn’t feel uncomfortable. 

“Would you--” he turned to see you suddenly, a sigh escaping his lips. “Hear me out, okay?”

You nodded.

“Would you think I was totally, absolutely mental if I asked you to move in with me?”

Your eyes must have gone wide, maybe the color even drained from your face, because before you could answer, he rolled his eyes and looked back out the window. “I know--okay, s’fine.”

“No--I just, that’s not what I expected. At all.”

He took another breath, his words came out quick this time as if he was nervous. “I know it’s crazy, but, Jeff got me freaked out today. When he talked about getting you a security detail I thought about your apartment and I know it’s in a house and it’s a nice neighborhood but--”

You didn’t say anything. You watched as he pushed his lips to one side and then the other. 

“I could never live with myself if anything happened to you.” A pause. “Or her.”

You rolled your eyes at that, a small laugh immediately granted levity to the front seat of his car. Dimples appeared on his cheeks when he saw the smile on your face.

“I hear you, but--I’ll be fine.”

He started speaking before you even finished. “Think of it this way, too. When she’s here, we’ll want to be together, right? I mean--don’t you think you’ll want more space than what you’ve got with Lexi? Don’t you think she’ll get sick of dirty nappies and all the crying in the middle of the night? If we live together I can help more and we can go through it together.”

You thought on that for a second. There was no doubt in your mind that Lexi would eventually lose her shit and need a good amount of space from the new roommate you were both about to have. You ignored the thumping in your chest at the thought of it. You, Harry, a tiny baby in that stupid onesie he bought. It sounded perfect.

“Think about it, yeah? I’ve got plenty of room.”

You nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

**

Dave had given you the go ahead to tell your coworkers. It took three phone calls with Jeff and him and Harry, but he eventually relented. When you ended up telling him that he didn’t have to go to work trying not to puke every morning waiting for your coworkers to notice the growing bump, he gave in. 

You were relieved, that is, until Levi called a team meeting, the five of you sat around a conference table on the third floor--also known as the floor with the balance ball chairs. You had no idea how much your back had been bothered by your regular office chair until you settled in to your seat. 

“So,” Levi looked around at the four of you. “Obviously my leaving is bittersweet, I know we’ve all been working hard lately to make the transition as smooth as possible. But we obviously haven’t handled one aspect of that, which is, the new Team Lead.”

You kept a straight face, glanced over to Aarav who suddenly couldn’t take his eyes off of you. You’d been planning on telling them that afternoon, at least Aarav and Simone. Maybe you’d wait until Levi left to fill him in, maybe you’d wait until you left for maternity leave to tell Carson. 

But would Levi still choose you to fill his role if he knew you were pregnant? Bound to take a decent maternity leave right after the holidays? Right when things amped up in the New Year?

“Y/N--you’ve obviously been a huge part of our success this last year, and I spoke with Mike and Tracy about having you fill the role, if you’re interested.”

“Yes--of course I’m interested,” you smiled. “I would love to.”

“Awesome--you’re obviously all in good hands,” he said to the others, a smile in your direction again. “You and I can meet with the rest of the Marketing c-suite--it’ll be painless, I’m sure.”

Now was definitely not a good time to tell them, but, your body decided it was the perfect time for an all encompassing wave of nausea. 

“Okay--yeah, sounds good.” You tried to wrap things up, looked over at Simone, hopeful she’d follow your lead. 

“When’s your last day, again?” Carson closed his laptop, if you weren’t doing your best to keep your lunch down, you’d be more surprised that he wasn’t as bitter as you’d expected him to be.

“August 5th.” 

You stood from the table, beads of sweat on your forehead. Aarav gave you a look, Simone was too busy on her phone. 

Levi started to gather his belongings. “We’ll get everything sorted out, too, about who’s going to take on some of Y/N’s responsibilities. Most things will stay the same, but, I think Mike wants to hire someone else to do some more of the graphic work, too.”

“I’m so sorry--” you said, embarrassed to rush out of a meeting like this. “I have to go--uh, make a phone call, really quick.

Again, Aarav looked at you like you’d started speaking another language. 

“Yeah, go ahead, no worries,” Levi looked suspicious too, but he turned back to Carson.

You bolted for the door, down the hall, no idea where the nearest bathroom was. Water fountain, lounge area, vending machine. Where the fuck was the bathroom?

You found it around the corner, barely making it into a stall before throwing up, desperately trying to pull your sticky hair away from your face when your knees met the floor.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” Simone was behind you--the carpet of the hallway had apparently quieted her footsteps. You reached for toilet paper and wiped your mouth, thankful that no one else had witnessed your close call. The only thing worse than throwing up at work was throwing up on the floor at work.

You flushed, stood back up and offered a smile. “Yeah--sorry--bad lunch, I guess.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“What?” You laughed, waving a hand before wiping at your mouth again. “No--that’s crazy!”

She raised an eyebrow at you.

A sigh. “Fine,” you said. “I am. But--you can’t tell them yet, okay?”

Her lips threatened to curl upwards, but she caught herself. “Are you--was it on purpose?”

“No,” a wave of embarrassment replaced the nausea in your stomach. “It was completely unplanned.”

“Who’s the father?”

Dave had been clear on the phone. If you have to tell them, we’ll prepare NDAs for them to sign. 

“You don’t know him.”

Maybe she did. 

“Is it that guy you’ve been seeing?”

“Yeah--we’re just friends.”

“Who have sex?”

“Just once.”

“Holy shit!”

“I know--I wanted to tell you!”

She pouted, an understanding look on her face. “That’s why you won’t have margaritas with us.”

“Busted.”

“How are you doing with it? Does your mom know?”

You thought on that for a second--it had been a while since someone asked. Harry was inquiring quite frequently, but you were also at the point now where you gave him a daily update about any symptoms. Jeff and Glenne and Lexi would check in, too, of course, but Simone was asking you on a deeper level. 

She was asking if you were losing your shit altogether and having recurring panic attacks when you’d try to fall asleep. 

“I’m okay,” you said, a confident nod. “I was freaked at first, and I am, still, a little--but, it’s been going okay.”

“Are you going to tell Aarav?”

“Yeah, yeah--I was gonna let both of you know today, but then Levi dropped that shit.”

“How dare he promote you,” she teased, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well I couldn’t exactly follow that up with thanks so much, I’ll need three months maternity leave in January.”

“A January baby!” She threw her arms around you. “How far are you?”

“Thirteen weeks.”

She let go, looked you up and down. “You’ll be fine, you can totally handle this. Is the father supportive so far?”

You nodded, ignoring the tiny shred of fear that tried to squeeze it’s way up into your brain. “So far, yeah.”

But how long would that last? How long would Harry be interested in having dinner and hanging out? When would he get sick of you and when would he realize that he didn’t have to do this?

He had more options than either of you had mentioned. Harry was acting like his only option was to be completely, totally, one hundred percent involved, or the exact opposite. 

But you felt like the more realistic option was somewhere in the middle, right? He’d visit and have the baby for weekends, go off on tour and you’d FaceTime him every so often to make sure they didn’t lose touch. You’d be the one to handle the skinned knees and all of the tears, but he’d be the fun dad that would swoop in and get to take them for ice cream or out to dinner. 

He’d send a check, eventually. After things died down and he realized that it didn’t make sense for you to live together or be more than co-parents or anything like that. He’d help financially and you’d have to get a nanny if you were going to keep your job--which, as a single mom, you’d have to.

Simone brought you back to your office, smiling excitedly when you told Aarav the news, making them both promise to keep it quiet for now. You didn’t tell them who, you didn’t disclose the name of the guy who had suddenly lodged himself in a strange space in your heart and your head. Because if you did, you’d have to tell them you were also afraid he’d leave. And speaking that out loud was too much to handle.

**

Harry was a regular at Dr. Weston’s office, so much so that you found it a bit embarrassing how he knew the nurses by name and proclaimed proudly in the waiting room that he’d read every pamphlet they had. 

For someone who has to keep this pregnancy low-key, shouting excitedly in the waiting room is the opposite of that, you told him.

So he followed you back into the exam room yet again, but this time with a pout on his face after the nurse left you alone. 

“What’s your problem?”

He held a hand over his eyes to offer you privacy when you changed, the gown in his outstretched hand. “You don’t even care that I’m extremely well read.”

“One of those was a pamphlet about gestational diabetes--which I don’t even have.” You took the gown and stepped into it, tying it in the back before climbing up on the table. 

He took his hands away without even asking if you were clothed, rolling his eyes and making a face. “I’m just trying to care, okay? However will you forgive me?” 

You fought back the laugh that tried to crawl up from your belly. “I appreciate your caring. And your reading.”

“Good,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back in his seat. “You should. Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

You thought on it for a second. “Know any good barbeque places? Some ribs sound so good.”

His eyebrows lifted, he watched you for a second. 

“What?” You asked, a sudden nervousness in your chest. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He broke eye contact for a second, let out a tiny laugh and then looked back up at you, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Just didn’t know it’d be that easy to get you to hang out with me.”

“Oh shut up,” you said with a laugh, adjusting on top of the sanitary paper. “I’m hungry. It’s almost dinnertime anyway.”

“The only bad news is that I don’t know a good barbeque place.”

“That is bad news,” you said. “There’s one near my house. We can just go there. Or--get take out,” you corrected. 

Okay, so maybe it bothered you a little bit. At this point, feeling like you were a secret and the baby inside of you was a secret was a recipe for feeling like a big, old, shameful one night stand that he probably regretted. But you weren’t about to tell him that. 

“Is Lexi home tonight?”

You nodded.

“We could invite Glenne and Jeff, too, if you want. Or it could be just us, that’s fine.”

You didn’t have a chance to answer, though you wanted to say either would be fine. Dr. Weston knocked and offered a smile, how are both parents feeling? 

She asked the same questions: new symptoms? Any bleeding? Mood? Appetite? Headaches? You answered and nodded along, listening to the advice she gave about any lower back soreness as you started to really gain some weight. 

When she had the ultrasound machine on and when you had laid back and assumed the position, Harry pulled his chair up to be right next to you.

“Definitely growing in there,” Dr. Weston smiled, reaching up to point at the screen. 

“Wow--she actually looks like a baby now.”

“Yeah,” Dr. Weston laughed a bit. “Less of a plum and more a baby.” But she turned, after that, her eyebrows furrowing at the screen before she looked at Harry again. “How did you know it’s a girl?”

“It’s a girl?” you asked, lifting yourself on your elbows to look at the screen closer. “How do you know?”

She turned the screen to show you better, moved the probe along your lower tummy. “Well--if she weren’t, we’d see something right there between her legs.”

“So I’m right?” He looked at you with wide eyes, a smug look of excitement on his face. “We’re having a girl?”

“You are,” Dr. Weston nodded. “I hope it’s okay that you know now.”

Harry clapped his hands together and stood from his seat. “I knew it, Y/N. I totally called it.”

“It’s fine that we know, we wanted to,” you assured her. Harry had already grabbed his phone, likely bragging to Jeff and Glenne that he’d been right. “Now I just have to deal with this know it all, now.”

“Well congratulations,” she removed the probe and clicked a few things on the screen. “Fourteen weeks and everything looks great.”

You smiled, sat up and looked over at Harry, he looked up from his phone and smiled at you. “S’a girl.”

“I know,” you nodded, voice quiet. 

Dr. Weston ducked out of the room quietly, saying she’d see you soon before shutting the door to offer privacy.

“Did you already tell everyone we know?”

“No,” he laughed, letting his phone call into his pocket. “Just my mum and sister.”

You hopped down from the table and he handed you your clothes. 

“Are you happy it’s a girl?”

“I’m happy she’s healthy, and that I’m healthy,” you laughed. “But yes--a girl will be fun.”

“We’d make anything fun,” he said, stepping forward to wrap his arms around your shoulders, the fabric of the gown was scratchy on your skin. You looked up at him, and for a second, you wondered how it would feel to kiss him.

**

Jeff’s mouth was wide open, he was still, a look of shock on his face as Glenne let out a laugh loud enough that the neighbor’s might complain.

“Don’t,” Harry groaned, his eyes pleading with you to not embarrass him any further. 

“They were expired?!” Lexi’s eyes were wide, she looked between the two of you from her spot on the floor, take out on her lap. “That’s fucked man.”

“I didn’t know they were, obviously!” He defended.

Glenne shrugged her shoulders. “Just getting laid that infrequently.” 

“Alright, s’not my primary residence.”

“So wait,” Jeff said. “When did you find this out?”

A drop in your stomach, the nervous kind like you’d said the wrong thing. 

“When she was over once for dinner. Gave her the grand tour and we obviously had to stop by the scene of the crime,” Harry borrowed the language you once used to describe his sprawling bedroom. 

“He can definitely cook but apparently he doesn’t read expiration dates,” you laughed.

“So it’s all your fault,” Lexi laughed, reaching for another drink. “Bet that was tough news.”

Your eyes flashed over to Jeff, curious to see his reaction. In a way, Lexi wasn’t wrong. Sure--you’d fed Harry the response that it’s no one’s fault, and yeah, okay, you could live with that being the agreement everyone settled on. 

But it was also nice to know that it wasn’t anything you did. 

Harry rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off the couch when his phone rang. “One day you’re all going to feel terrible for saying that when you’re in love with our baby. It’s John--I’ll take it outside.”

Jeff followed behind him when Harry signaled for him to, the back door to the patio and small yard slid shut behind them.

“How ya been doin’ lately?” Glenne asked, leaning forward to grab the glass of wine she’d been nursing. 

“Fine,” you said. 

“Yeah?” She eyed you skeptically, Lexi dunked her fork into her green curry. 

“I’m handling the stress and constant anxiety as best as I can,” you admitted.

Glenne pouted. “What are you anxious about?” 

You let out a sigh, hesitant to say anything that would make her feel in the middle. “I just feel like Jeff thinks I fucked everything up or did this on purpose.”

Lexi sipped at her glass of wine. “What makes you think that?”

“I dunno--every time we’re all together I feel like he wants me to maintain a six foot distance or something.”

“He can’t tell you what to do or how to interact with him, Y/N,” Glenned tried to reassure you. “All he can do is give advice or give his input.”

“What if his input to Harry is that he shouldn’t ever talk to me or see me?”

“Bitch, you outrank him!” Lexi sat up straight and looked at you like you were losing your mind. “He’s his manager, he’s a friend. You are the mother of that man’s child. You are going to push his baby through your coochie!”

You let out a laugh, threw her a sideways glance. “I mean, I don’t know if outrank is fair.”

Glenne held up a hand, trying to get her two cents in before Lexi went off again. “He’s not mad--I don’t know why you think he’s mad.”

“Okay--fine, he’s not mad. But do you really want to try to convince me that I’m his favorite person on the planet right now?”

She rolled her eyes at that. “Y/N--he’s stressed. His client got his girlfriend’s friend knocked up. This is all going to explode into a thousand crazy headlines and he’s trying to keep it all somewhat contained. He loves you.”

You let out a long sigh at that, looked through the sliding door and watched as Harry gestured wildly, the phone sat on the small patio table between them. Jeff laughed at something he said and sipped at the beer that Harry was undoubtedly jealous of. 

Jeff had always thought you were funny. You knew that. When you got a good amount of tequila in you, you were no stranger to comedy or outrageous accents with Lexi and Glenne. Jeff would laugh his head off and there was even one time he made you drunkenly take obnoxious snapchat selfies with the stupid filters. It was probably the highlight of your relationship. 

So that night, after dinner was eaten and Netflix was watched, you tried to harness the courage that Lexi and Glenne had instilled in you. 

When Jeff came out of the bathroom, Glenne pulled herself up from a couch, a dramatic groan escaped her mouth when she smiled over at you and stretched. “Alright, my dear. Eat well, sleep well, take care of that sweet little muffin.”

“Okay,” you nodded. “So far, so good.”

Lexi had already retreated to her room, beauty sleep, y’all. Jeff waited as Glenne put her wine glass in the sink, hands on his hips. “Are you hitting the road too?”

His question was directed at Harry. He shifted on the couch. “Uh--might stay for a bit, if that’s alright?” 

Now he looked at you, and once again, you wondered if this sort of thing was allowed. An awkward look in Jeff’s direction, Glenne’s eyes were a bit wide, a smirk threatened to twist her lips into a full blown smile. 

“Yeah,” you said, looking around at all of them. “S’fine.”

You were all for following the rules and doing what you needed to do to protect everyone. But something about watching another episode of The Office on Netflix with the father of your child felt pretty safe. And maybe Glenne was right. Maybe you did outrank him. And if you didn’t, maybe one day you would. 

“Alright, well, we’ll see you both at some point in the next week, I’m sure.”

“Are we on for Saturday night still? With Tom?”

“Yeah,” Jeff said, watching as Glenne grabbed her purse from the counter. “I’ll text you.”

They said their goodbyes and headed out the front door, when it clicked into place you looked over at Harry. 

“Would you actually tell me if Jeff hated me?”

“Why would he hate you?”

“Because you got me pregnant.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” he shook his head, a smile tugged at his lips. “S’my fault, remember?”

“He might not see it that way.”

He rolled his eyes at you. “I just know.”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me, I would know if he hated you. He’s a terrible liar. He’d never be able to hang out with you if he didn’t like you.”

You were quiet, looked back down at the remote in your hands and picked at the skin around your thumb. 

He turned himself towards you on the couch, his voice quiet in the living room. “Why are you nervous about that?”

You shrugged, trying to fight back a smile. “I’m still trying to get over the whole fear about ruining your life.”

He rolled his eyes at that, a laugh escaping his lips when his arm reached up to the back of the couch. “You’re ridiculous! I can tell you a thousand times and you won’t believe me.”

“Probably not.”

“You didn’t ruin my life.”

“Okay.” You stood from the couch and moved towards the kitchen, bringing the glass that Lexi had left behind over to the dishwasher. 

He followed behind, watched with narrowed eyes as you tried to tidy. “I mean it,” he laughed. 

You turned around, hands on the counter as you looked at him. It was late, the light in Lexi’s room was off, you hoped she didn’t have her ear pressed up against the door. Mostly because you didn’t want her to hear what you said next. 

“I just don’t want you to leave.”

He took a step forward, brows furrowed. “Tonight?”

“No--like, in general.”

His lips parted at that, a pause before he sighed, another step forward. 

“Sorry,” you said quickly. “I didn’t mean to be weird. I’m just--scared sometimes.”

“I know,” he was close now, his chest almost pressed against yours. His fingers reached up and tugged at the hem of your shirt, “I’m not going anywhere.”

You nodded, stared down at the floor now as if looking up in his eyes would somehow make it more risky. As if ignoring the fear and the doubt and everything that bubbled inside of you when you tried to get your mind off of it would keep you safe, keep her safe. 

His hand nudged at your chin, lifted it up so you had to look at him. Something in his eyes felt promising--or maybe it was the way you felt his lips curl into a smile once they were pressed against yours.

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

**author’s note: **FINALLY!!!!! No but really, thank god. It’s been tough to wait to share that with you. Things are finally heating up in here! You know I’m a fucking sucker for a slow burn.

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry @stylesfics-xx @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila @mell-love @anssu-amry @yelllowgrass @littlesoldierelleora @styles217 @rachkon @c-h-e-r-r-y-y @myhat  @rosegoldbel @passionate-dreamerr @grammyforstyles @haute-romance-quotidienne @dontgiveupthedayjob @ursamajor603 @craic-head-horan @heavenspidey @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @blackxxmagicc @winter-soldier-007 @ssllbb @wanderlustiing @jdcharliewhiskey  @caritocp @kaybee87 @wildbeee @hsunflowervol @harrys-medicines @tobe-sogolden @theresnooneheretosave @1d-tommo5 @soullikestyles @mrsfstyles  @you-youneverdo @fstopsteph @cock-a-doodely-doo @hinaesthethicc @s-u-t @mleestiles @rubytersteege @heartsandwheels @rainbowparadiseharry @ainatirb-j @sing-me-a-song-harry @g0bl1nqueen @mmithharold @harrymfingstyless @yourpolaroid07 @zarrysfineline @cronias13

[normal-thoughts-official]

Crack au where there's a yearbook for all the leaders in the shadow world with funny nominations. This is stupid sorry.

listen to me. you listen to me. i LOVE stupid asks. altho i dont think any asks are stupid i love everything yall send me but like! silly/crack asks are more than encouraged. i literally live for this shit

ok this is cracky so dont take it too seriously ok thnx

also i really want to hear ur thoughts on the nominations, but here's what i have so far:

Raphael wins "most beautiful smile" because 1- its true; 2- half the downworld council is dating him and the other half includes his dad, and they all love and cherish his smile, especially as it's so rare. raphael and alec both voted for magnus, so hes a close second

"Council supermodel" or whatever they jokingly call the Most Beautiful Leader prize is an ultimate tie because magnus and alec voted for each other, raphael voted for maia, maia voted for meliorn, and meliorn voted for raphael. later they jokingly ask simon to make the final vote and he gets nervous because HOW is he supposed to choose between his 3 perfect partners so he just blurts out "alec" in nervousness. ever since it's polycule canon that alec won council supermodel and they joke about it when they want to make simon Really Flustered

(raphael is also like wtf meliorn u should have voted for maia i dont even want to be Council Supermodel anyway. meliorn is like 1- thats exactly why; 2- i figured this was going to happen so making it a super tie was really funny. raphael has to stop a smile because hes a simp for meliorn's mischief even when hes on the receiving end, goddamn it)

(maia is the winner in his heart tho, but he goes by "alec won" to tease simon cuz priorities)

Fashionista or whatever is a tie between magnus and meliorn because facts only, and also alec and meliorn voted for magnus, maia and magnus voted for meliorn, and raphael voted for alec as a joke because bitch really is allergic to anything thats not a black t-shirt

can u tell that i have no idea how yearbooks work? i dont understand gringo traditions

Raphael Is Very Tired Prize For Disgusting Allo Shit, aka "most likely to make out during a council session" goes to magnus and alec because of course it does

HAD TO LOOK UP YEARBOOK MOST LIKELY QUOTES AND FOUND OUT THERE IS A "TALLEST/SHORTEST" PRIZE RAPHAEL IS SO FUCKING PISSED WHEN HE GETS THE SHORTEST PRIZE DJDNDJDNDIDNDIDNDIDNDI EVERYONE IS FORCED TO HEAR THE "IN MÉXICO I WAS THE TALLEST" SPEECH FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS. then raphael hands alec his "tallest" prize like "here have the Unnecessarily Big Giant For Inhuman Looking Motherfuckers prize"

best dancer goes to magnus. no-brainer

"most loved by parents" goes to raphael for OBVIOUS reasons and magnus gives him a kiss on the forehead and everyone makes fun of him and hes like "how is this my life" (he doesnt mind one bit)

found out that theres a "fearless" prize that some site also called "pack leader award" (??) so of course traditionally the pack leader takes this one, so maia takes it

magnus wins "everyone's father" because of course it does. also "most likely to start a charity" and "most likely to invent the next groundbreaking technology/spell" for the 100th year in a row

yo yearbook prizes are actually rlly boring tf

"coffeepot's best friend" goes to alec because hes the only one who can stand institute coffee anyway

i give up on looking it up back to making up prizes. "most likely to roll their eyes so hard they see their own brain" goes to alec

"most likely to make a stranger on the street fall in love" goes to maia "5 partners and counting" roberts. also "best hair"

"most likely to show up to the meeting in a clown wig" goes to raphael because hes a dramatic bitch like that. magnus votes against him once and he shows up next week in a full clown outfit saying he cant believe he was betrayed like that

"stubborn ass award for that one mf who just wont quit" is a tie between alec, magnus, and raphael

greatest prankster goes to meliorn

Voice Of Reason Award goes to maia. Greatest Giver Of Amazing Advice That Is Thoroughly Ignored goes to meliorn (raphael votes for himself on this one and is booed by all)

Owner Of Gender prize goes to magnus because hes so gender ugh. meliorn is just like "i still dont understand what that is" and almost wins anyway

Juggling Queen goes to maia for being pack leader, restaurant owner, university student, and girlfriend of 5 all at the same time. also "most likely to succeed (even more)" because obviously they have all succeeded but maia is something else

Most Iconic Exchange goes to "because you're so unbiased" and magnus is salty about it for years to come

ok thats all i have give me other ideas because this seems like a rlly fun thing to explore rifndi

[caitybug]

ok im requesting one of them being locked in a porta potty and it rolls down a hill. if u can make me cry with that prompt then i surrender.

Bri, for you, I would do anything.

Okay, but really, let’s see how I can turn THIS into something.

(If anyone else has something ridiculous go for it, why not. live your dreams.)

(Also tagging @sharing-a-room-with-an-open-fire bc she asked me to.)

Baz and I are watching Penny frantically look around for her purple stone. 

Shepard ran to go check the car.

Baz tried to cast a finding spell, but he’s all drained up. 

“I need to get it fitted to a new ring,” Penny tells herself, kneeling and digging through the grass. “Then this won’t happen.”

Baz huffs. He doesn’t like to feel useless. 

We are standing a few feet apart, awkwardly orbiting each other without ever getting too close. 

On the beach he told me: “Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?”

I almost believed him.

Almost.

“I’m going to go check the table again,” I state, walking away.

Being too close is painful. 

Baz once said: “I’d wake up every morning and think, ‘This will end in flames.’”

I feel like I could catch on fire.

I love him so much it burns.

It burns, and I’m on fire. I can’t let him too close. He’s flammable. 

I’ll only hurt him more if he stays. 

I look under the table to no avail, then stand up and see a portaloo.

Didn’t Penny go to the bathroom earlier?

I shrug to myself, it can’t hurt to check.

When I get in I have to hold my breath, it smells awful. 

Luckily, I see it sitting on the hand sanitizer.

I smile and grab it, excited to leave the smell, when Baz is thrusted in. 

“Woah, what-” I start, catching Baz.

His arms feel strong.

“I’m locking you both in until you get over this weird thing between you!” Penny shouts, slamming the door behind Baz. “I’m so done with the wistful sighs and woeful glances. Grow up!”

“Wait!” I shout, banging on the door, trying to open it. She must have jammed it. “I found your stone!”

“Hah! You can’t fool me!” She shouts back. “Enjoy the smell, I’ll be back in ten.”

I hear the grass crunch as she walks away, leaving Baz and I standing awkwardly close, still surrounded by the smell. 

Baz sighs.

“She took my wand, just in case.” He mutters.

I hit my head against the wall.

We stand there awkwardly for far too long, and I can’t tell what makes me finally speak up.

Whether it’s being close to Baz, the chemicals, or the fact that I’ve not gotten proper sleep that causes it, I’m not sure.

“Baz,” I whisper, head still against the wall, “I’m not worth it.”

He scoffs.

Of course he scoffs.

“Simon, do turn around,” he says. “If I’m going to have this talk with you in a fucking portaloo then I’d like to do so to your face.”

I turn around and see him, cramped and a little hunched over, his arms crossed over his chest.

I can’t look into his eyes.

I’ll burn.

He’ll burn.

We are too close, it’d be deadly. 

“Simon,” he says. I’m weak and I look up. 

His grey eyes are soft. It’s dark, but a little light shines through the vent, creating lines on his face.

He’s still so beautiful, even in this context.

“Baz,” my eyes start to water. Is it because of the smell or the thought of losing Baz? The thought of hurting him. “I can’t do this, you shouldn’t have to-” I swallow, trying to find the words.

How do you break up with someone you love?

“You have so much going for you, and I- I am stuck.” 

“Simon you absolute idiot,” he sneers.

Somehow the arguing eases some of the emotion. Arguing is what we know. It’s always a fight with us.

“I know!” I say. It comes out much louder than I mean for it to. “I know you said you choose me or whatever. You don’t have to stick with it. You can break it off-”

“I love you, you absolute moron,” Baz shouts.

Silence.

I hear crickets chirping outside. 

“I love you,” he repeats, quieter this time. “You’re an idiot, you’d eat butter by the spoonful if Bunce or I didn’t stop you, you drink unicorn frappaccinos. Yet I find myself in love with you.”

I’m staring at him, but he’s looking down at his feet as he whispers his confessions.

He loves me.

We’ve not said it before.

I always assumed...

“You love me?” I ask, voice shaking.

He nods, taking a deep breath in and holding it for a moment.

I always assumed it was just me. That I would love him, and that he’d move on. Move away from the mess of me.

He lets his exhale out and reaches for the handle again, shaking it.

“Fuck,” he breathes out.

“Baz,” I whisper, reaching out for him. 

He lets me touch his shoulder, but he doesn’t look up.

I shake him a little, and he opens one eye to glare at me.

“Baz, I-” A breath. “I love you too.”

His eyes go wide, and he lifts his head up.

“I love you so much,” I tell him.

We’ve never said it.

I reach up and put a hand on his neck.

He leans down.

My heart starts to race.

It’s easier to hide when I do the kissing.

I let him do it this time.

He loves me.

He’s not going to hurt me.

His lips touch mine and I can breathe again. He pulls me close, and I let him lead the way. 

Maybe it’s not so bad to let him have control.

But then, I feel something move, and we break apart. Our faces must have the same look of shock, because the portaloo falls over.

I’m yelling, holding on to Baz. 

The smell is everywhere. 

It rolls and it gets even worse.

Baz keeps cursing.

I hear Penny shouting.

We stop.

I feel something smushy under my leg.

My shoes are soaked.

I try not to think too much about it.

“Merlin’s beard!” Penny shouts, opening the door and standing above us. “What happened?”

Baz starts climbing out first, looking worse for wear.

I stand up and toss Penny her stone, and she looks immediately regretful.

“Told you,” I say, straightening up.

She holds her gem out and casts clean as a whistle.

It gets rid of the worst of it. I still feel it though.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to look at a portaloo again.

I look up and see Baz glaring at Penny, only for him to look down at me and hold a hand out.

I reach out and intertwine our hands.

It’s not fixed, I don’t think. But it’s better. 

“I love you,” I whisper as Penny walks away.

He leans down and kisses my forehead.

“I love you too, Snow,” he whispers back. 

[ourimpavidheroine]

You always post your writing soundtracks. Mind sharing your top ten albums with us?

I actually laughed when I read this because I’m thinking of the Anon who complained that all of my music was OLD. I mean. I’m old! What did you expect?

Never mind me, I’m easily amused. Thank you for using the word album so I would not feel like Lady Danbury with my lethal cane.

Yes, sure I can do that! I don’t know that these are my forever and ever amen top ten, but they are the ones that are coming to mind right now. So.

Under a cut, it’s long. 

In no particular order.

Brutal Youth - Elvis Costello

My ex-husband was in love with Elvis Costello and who could blame him? The man is a genius lyricist. This is not one of his more commercially popular albums but I love every single track. (I also lined up at Ticketmaster in Oakland, CA when the man was touring in order to get tickets for my ex. I got there at midnight and spent the night, meeting a group of drag queens who were getting tickets to see Barbara Streisand. God, that was a fun night, we ate donuts one of them went on a donut run for and sang showtunes for hours. One of my favorite memories.) This verse, from Clown Strike, is one that has resonated with me since I first heard it.

Tell me what you want of me Or are you terrified of failure? You put on a superstitious face Behind all this paraphernalia We're not living in a masquerade Where you only have three wishes It isn't easy to see In a lifetime of mistaken kisses

Unrepentant Geraldines - Tori Amos

I remember the first time I heard a Tori Amos song. It was the summer directly after I’d graduated from college, I was driving my ex-husband’s car and Silent All These Years came on the radio and I was just fucking gobsmacked. I bought Little Earthquakes that day and haven’t looked back. I have all her albums. I am a big, big fan.

Unrepentant Geraldines, though. God. It came out the year before my wife died and it got me through her death. The song Weatherman is about a man losing his wife, and how he sees her in the nature surrounding him. 

And. 

No, sorry, I can’t write more about this, not right now. But I sing it to her sometimes. 

He is not a weatherman But his bride lies with the land And she will whisper to him I'll be dressing up in snow Cloaked in echo it's almost As if only Nature knows How to paint his wife to life With every season's tone "One more look from her eyes One more look can you paint her back to life"

Ray of Light - Madonna

This album got me through my divorce from my ex-husband. I’d go out every single day during my lunch hour, this on my walkman, and walk and walk and walk until I got myself in enough control to go back and finish my work day. It’s a great album and I still listen to it a lot. It empowers me. And then my daughter was born and Ray of Light has always been her song to me, even though that wasn’t the song on the album that Madonna herself wrote for her daughter.

Faster than the speeding light she's flying Trying to remember where it all began She's got herself a little piece of heaven Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel

Seven and the Ragged Tiger - Duran Duran

This one was a difficult choice. For one thing, I really love their album Big Thing, which almost nobody’s heard about but one I love deeply. This one though...I think it’s the memories, including going to see them at the Oakland Coliseum with my cousin during their tour for this album and finding out they were partially filming the video for The Reflex that night. I like to think of us as being one of those girls in the audience. (Although I wasn’t screaming. I am a Capricorn. Have some dignity.) Duran Duran were responsible for my first fanfic and I’ve had a love for them since my Dad bought me their first album for my 13th birthday. I am nothing if not loyal. I have all of their early albums, all of their 12″ singles, too, including Secret Oktober, which I have always loved with a passion.

Also, Roger Taylor can still get it.

Freefall on a windy morning shore nothing but a fading track of footsteps Could prove that you never been there Spoken on a cotton cloud like the sound of gunshot taken by the wind And lost in distant thunder racing on a shining plain And tomorrow you'll be content to watch as the lightning plays along the wires and you'll wonder

Touch - Eurythmics

Another band I still love and listen to on the regular. Annie Lennox could sing me the telephone book and I’d be thrilled. Seeing her at age 14 in the Sweet Dreams video for the first time in my Grandmother’s living room quite literally woke something in me that led to moving across the world for a woman years later. (GOD.) I have all of their albums and choosing a favorite is difficult but this one won by a narrow margin, if only for the song Regrets, which is one of the songs that describes me until I became a mother, really. Like I RESONATED with that song. Still does in certain ways, if I am being truthful to myself.

I've got a delicate mind I've got a dangerous nature And my fist collides With your furniture I've got a delicate mind I've got a dangerous nature And my fist collides With your furniture I'm an electric wire And I'm stuck inside your head

Combat Rock - The Clash

Ah, teenage Impavid first understanding that music can also be political. Listen, I didn’t know much about what was going on outside of my own miniscule sphere - I was young and the internet didn’t exist yet. We got what news we got from our local paper and TV stations and they weren’t really reporting on what was happening in the world, not in 1982, let me fucking assure you. I got this album because my Dad was a part time DJ at a radio station that played mostly country music and the general manager of the station would just toss the rest of the non-country albums they’d get as promotions. My Dad would bring them home to me to listen to. You can imagine thirteen year old me listening to this album that opened with “This is a public service announcement - with guitars!” going WHAT THE FUCK? Let me just say there were a lot of trips to the library to read various newspapers after that.

Not to mention Rock the Casbah. What was a muezzin? I had no idea. I spent half a year reading books about Islam, about the Middle East and Northern Africa, which led to a curiosity about other religions beyond the Roman Catholicism in which I’d been raised, about other cultures as well. This album and The Color Purple by Alice Walker were the two things in my teen years that woke me the fuck up.

Now the king told the boogie men You have to let that raga drop The oil down the desert way Has been shakin' to the top The sheik he drove his Cadillac He went a' cruisin' down the ville The muezzin was a' standing On the radiator grille

Synchronicity - The Police

This fucking album. This fucking album. This album reached deep down into me and pulled out my soul and kicked it around for awhile. Every single song on this album hit me like a brick wall. Still does. Most likely always will.

Listen, you either like King of Pain or you live it. There’s no in between.

There's a little black spot on the sun today It's the same old thing as yesterday There's a black hat caught in a high tree top There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop I have stood here before inside the pouring rain With the world turning circles running 'round my brain. I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign, But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...

Sign O’ The Times - Prince 

The soundtrack to my University days. Jesus, it starts out with “In France a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name,” and it just keeps going. Pain, sex, wonder, glory, politics, love. It’s all there. I wore the vinyl out on this one. Amazing, amazing album. In fact, I still play it so often my kids practically know it by heart, and they don’t even like Prince!

To this day I think If I Was Your Girlfriend is the sexiest song ever written.

I will tell you this much: Sayuri’s main writing soundtrack song is Starfish and Coffee off the album, the same song I used to sing my kids as a lullaby. This should tell you a lot about her.

Cynthia wore the prettiest dress With different color socks Sometimes I wondered if the mates where in her lunchbox Me and Lucy opened it when Cynthia wasn't around Lucy cried, I almost died, U know what we found? Starfish and coffee Maple syrup and jam Butterscotch clouds, a tangerine And a side order of ham If U set your mind free, honey Maybe you'd understand Starfish and coffee Maple syrup and jam

Nina Simone Sings The Blues - Nina Simone

This was one of my Daddy’s albums. He loved it and so did I. As a child I just loved the sound of her voice - something in it both soothed me and pulled at me, made me want to run and just keep running. She still makes me feel like that. If you don’t know Nina Simone I urge you to change that, right now. There’s nobody at all like her. She’s irreplaceable. All of her material is good, not just her blues songs. Not to mention, she was an absolute brilliant genius at the piano, never mind the strength she had as a Black woman in a time when doors were shut in her face on a daily basis. Seriously. Read about her.

When I became a woman, of course, her songs took on a much deeper meaning for me, one that I could relate to. Isn’t that the hallmark of a good album, though? One that stays with you and changes with you? I think so.

If you’ve never heard her cover of I Put A Spell On You then do yourself a favor and go right now and listen. You’re welcome.

Oh and Buck from this album? Nuo to Wing, right there.

Also one of the sexiest songs ever written, this one. Especially how she sings it. The Hot Frenchman (have I ever told you about The Hot Frenchman? no? OH BOY THERE’S A STORY) told me he thought it was about drugs and I was like, honey, this tells me a whole lot about you, more than you probably wanted it to.

I want a little sugar In my bowl I want a little sweetness Down in my soul I could stand some lovin' Oh so bad I feel so funny and I feel so sad I want a little steam On my clothes Maybe I can fix things up So they'll go Whatsa matter Daddy Come on, save my soul I need some sugar in my bowl I ain't foolin' I want some sugar in my bowl

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got - Sinéad O’Connor

This is a beautiful album, full of pain and joy, her hallmark. She sings every single word with everything in her; she’s far too intense for many, many people (and while she’s been open with her mental health struggles I’ve often wondered if she isn’t somewhere on the spectrum as well) but never for me. Her raw honesty has always appealed to me. She’s political, she’s a lover, a mother, a survivor of horrific abuse, someone who keeps reinventing herself as a way to find her way through pain. I always feel, when I am listening to her music, that I am bearing witness. I’m not afraid of pain; I’ve survived it as well. This album, one of her oldest, is still my favorite.

The line “You used to hold my hand when the plane took off” is the most evocative lyric I have ever heard with regards to the ending of love. It’s a punch to the heart - she felt it and she shared it with us, her fragile heart in her palms. Oh, Sinéad.

This is the last day of our acquaintance I will meet you later in somebody's office I'll talk but you won't listen to me I know what your answer will be I know you don't love me anymore You used to hold my hand when the plane took off Two years ago there just seemed so much more And I don't know what happened to our love

[astronomical-fog]

born to sweet delight

Carry On Countdown Day 5: Carry On Prequel

Read it on AO3

Summary: It’s fifth year at Watford School of Magicks, and Simon Snow and Agatha Wellbelove have just started dating.

No one is exactly happy about it.

AGATHA

When I was eleven years old, I told my parents that I didn’t want to go to Watford. That I’d rather go to a Normal secondary school with my Normal friends, than learn to be a mage. They were horrified, of course, and I obviously didn’t get my way. I’ve been trying for four years not to be bitter about that, because if I got angry with my parents over every bad decision they made that they thought was right for me, I’d never be done being angry with them.

I’m fifteen now, and in my fifth year at Watford, and I still think I had the right decision when I was eleven. But I suppose it could be worse--I can still see Minty and all my other Normal friends when I go home for the holidays. And she isn’t the same, but I suppose I have Penny.

And Simon. Simon Snow, the Chosen One, the Saviour of the entire World of Mages.

Simon who, as of about a week and a half ago, is my boyfriend. And, really, I should be ecstatic about that, right? That alone should be enough to make up for everything that going away to Watford forced me to leave behind. Simon is the most powerful mage in the world, and he’s brave and selfless and noble and everything a fairytale hero should be. And who wouldn’t want to be loved by a hero? I know many girls (and a few boys) who would scramble to take my place.

But should I let them? I don’t know. I don’t love Simon, but I do like him. It could just be that love will come later. But I do know that Simon loves me. Or, rather he doesn’t yet, but he could and he wants to. And we just started dating and Simon has done everything he’s supposed to--I can’t break up with him for that.

I also know the reason I said yes to Simon when he asked me out. It’s because although I don’t know if I can love Simon the way he deserves to be loved, I believe that he deserves to be with someone who can love him with everything they are.

And if I care for Simon, and I’m the one he wants to be with, don’t I owe it to him to at least try?

A big part of the reason Simon and I got together is that my parents have been letting him stay with us over the Christmas holidays since we were eleven. As a result, my mother has been overly invested in our relationship since forever. Both of my parents adore Simon. (And not just because he’s the Chosen One and the Mage’s Heir--he’s also the perfect golden hero, remember?) Our one-month anniversary falls just a few days before the start of term break, and I know both of my parents are thrilled to have him over again, this time as my boyfriend.

I’m not. Thrilled, that is. And I don’t really think that Simon is either, which makes me feel better and worse at the same time.

As I wake up on the day we all leave for the holidays and go down to breakfast only to be greeted by a haze of Simon’s nervous magic, it’s definitely leaning towards worse.

“Simon, take a deep breath please. You’re going to go off if you don’t calm down.”

Judging by the reproachful look Penelope aims my way, this wasn’t the right thing to say. Simon winces and drops his butter knife onto his plate with a loud clatter, but his magic does retreat some. I can’t stop myself from glaring at Penelope. She doesn’t even attempt to look apologetic.

“S-Sorry, Agatha,” Simon says, attempting to smile.

I look away. “It’s just my parents. You’ve met my parents before.”

“I--y-yeah, but not as your boyfriend,” he blusters. “What if they decide that I’m not good enough for you?”

I know what I should say. That he’s being ridiculous--that of course my parents aren’t going to decide that they dislike him. They love him, and they’ve been waiting for us to get together for years.

Penelope, I know, would take me not saying so as just another chance to be cross with me. And it isn’t even like disbelief is the thing holding me back--I know my parents will be nothing but thrilled with Simon.

Also, the question isn’t ever going to be if he’s good enough for me. It’s always going to be the other way around. And the fact that I don’t know the answer to that question for sure is bothering me a lot less than I think maybe it should.

I don’t give Penny the chance to glare at me again. I very obviously check my watch, then gather my plate and push my chair back as I stand. “It’ll be fine, Simon. Now, let’s go. We’re supposed to meet my parents in twenty minutes.”

Simon nearly knocks his own chair to the floor in his attempts to follow me. There’s a snicker from across the hall, and my heart catches in my throat, because I know who it was from.

Simon is glaring, and I don’t even have to turn to imagine the look on Basilton Pitch’s face right now.

I turn anyway. And just as I thought, he isn’t glaring or snarling like Simon is. (Snarling, honestly.) His face is blank, and I can’t tell what’s going on behind his eyes.

Once he sees me looking, he breaks away from his staring contest with Simon to glance at me. It’s only a glance, though--fleeting, like he can’t make himself look away from Simon for more than a second.

I don’t know why I’m disappointed. It isn’t like I want for Simon and Basilton Pitch to fight over me. (They don’t need any excuses to do that.) But right now, the two of them are so focused on each other that it’s like they’ve forgotten that everything else exists.

Basil had been spooning sugar into his tea, and now the sugar’s falling from the teaspoon onto the table because he’s forgotten that he’s holding it. And Simon has forgotten that he’s standing in the middle of the dining hall and making a scene when we’re supposed to be meeting my parents.

With a sigh and an exasperated, “Come on, Simon!”, I grab his arm and yank him forward. He jumps as he breaks from his trance, and starts blustering through an apology as he dashes after me.

Right before I go through the door of the dining hall, I glance back at Basil. He looks away as soon as my eyes find his, but he had been glaring at me.

I’m still trying to figure out what that means when I meet Simon outside on the Great Lawn. He’s got a bag slung haphazardly over his shoulder, the jumper he’s wearing is bunched, and he’s breathing heavily like he ran all the way from the Weeping Tower to Mummers House to here.

Judging by how long he stood there antagonising Baz, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d had to run in order to make it on time. I try not to let it bother me. I was right, before, that he won’t be able to make my parents dislike him. But based off of what he’d said, I’d hoped that he would put in a bit more effort, for once.

Mum and Dad, of course, don’t care one bit. My mother steps out of the Volvo, and she’s hardly finished hugging me before she’s rushing at Simon.

“Oh Simon, you look so handsome,” she coos. She hugs him tight, and he’s back to looking supremely uncomfortable.

“U-um, hi, Mrs. Wellbelove,” he stutters back, and I turn away to hug Dad. (He only offers Simon a smile and claps his shoulder, and I think we’re both relieved.)

A few minutes later, my parents have stowed Simon and I’s bags in the boot, and we’re sitting side-by-side in the backseat as we head towards the motorway. My mother asks Simon a few questions about his summer, but that’s a topic he never likes to talk on. Eventually, she gives up in favour of talking to my father, leaving the two of us in silence.

Simon gets carsick when he has to sit in the back, so he’s turned his upper body determinedly towards the window. I’m relieved at the chance for quiet.

I think he can tell. He turns away from the window for just long enough to offer me his hand, and he’s smiling softly.

It’s my favourite smile of his. I’m smiling back before I even realise it, and I reach out and take his hand.

We each turn back to our respective windows, and we stay like that for the rest of the ride.

BAZ

“Simon Snow. Really? Him? Why’d it have to be him of all people?”

For the past twenty minutes, my dear cousin has been outlining for me in excruciating detail the absolute tragedy that is the relationship that’s sure to become Watford’s new Golden Couple. I’ve wanted to throttle him since the beginning of this adventure, of course. But since I’m disturbed, there’s a part of me that can’t help but take amusement from Dev’s rant.

“Couldn’t Agatha have chosen to fall in love with literally anyone else?”

Because replace Agatha with you, and it’s the same question I’ve been asking myself for weeks now.

I’m in love with Simon Snow. I figured it out a few miserable weeks ago, and I’d give anything to go back to the time before. The time before I realised, that is. I don’t think there was a time before I both knew him and loved him.

And isn’t that the bigger tragedy?

“I don’t think that one can choose who they fall in love with, Dev. That’s the whole point.”

It’s comical, almost, the way he gapes at me. He stands there for a long time before saying, “Baz… are you defending Simon Snow and Agatha Wellbelove?”

Fuck. I’d forgotten, for a moment, where I am. Who I’m with. That there’s nowhere I can be, and no one I can be with, where I won’t have to hide this.

“Of course not. But if W-Agatha could choose who she fell in love with, do you really think she’d pick Snow?”

Dev laughs, and just like that, everything is forgotten. “You’re right. She definitely wouldn’t. Who would?”

Me, I don’t say. Even though I’d like to. Just once. Just to see what would happen.

Although I suppose it isn’t true. Simon Snow is golden and noble and deserves to be loved more than anyone. But if it had been my choice, he wouldn’t have been by me. I can’t think of anyone who would want to love or be loved by their enemy. (Other than me, of course.) As if being gay weren’t enough of a slight against my station.

Not, of course, that any of my family knows this about me. I’ve thought about telling Niall and Dev before. I probably will eventually. As I stand and listen to Dev moon over Agatha Wellbelove and throw barbs at the boy I love, I’ve rarely thought about it more.

I’m almost glad when my father comes to pull me away. If I’d been kept there much longer, I’d be liable to confess my being gay in front of my cousin and every influential member of the Families that’s at the club’s holiday party.

Glad, that is, until Father leads me away from Dev and I get a look at the expression on his face. He looks visibly disproving, which for a man who almost never makes it clear what he’s thinking, is everything.

I do an excellent job, in my own opinion, of not letting the terror I feel show on my face.

“How may I help you, Father?”

His eyes narrow. “I couldn’t help but overhear, Basilton, your conversation with your cousin.”

Something about the tone of his voice immediately sets me on edge, but I’m not sure, yet, why I’m nervous. “Oh?”

“About Simon Snow and Agatha Wellbelove.”

I’m still not sure where this conversation is going, but the way he says my Simon’s name makes the swirling anxiety in my gut worse.

“Yes. It is rather unfortunate that someone such as her made the poor decision to pick him,” I somehow manage to say.

But my answer seems to please my father. His stance relaxes, a little. “I agree. Doctor Wellbelove is on the Coven, so it would be beneficial to have them on our side. If we could sway Agatha Wellbelove, we might be able to convince her father. And that brings me to another concern I have for you.”

By now, I think I know what he’s going to say. It isn’t the first time he has. Like all the other times, I picture Simon Snow’s face in my mind. Only this time, I know why I’m doing it.

“You are the last living heir to the Pitch line, Basilton,” Father says. “It is important that you pass on your mother’s name. You only have three and a half years left at Watford--it’s time for you to start looking for a wife. And I would like for you to consider Agatha Wellbelove. If you marry her and unite our two lines, it would be very beneficial to our family’s cause against the Mage.”

Minus the part about marrying Snow’s girlfriend, I’ve heard this speech before. In the past, I’ve held the image of blue eyes and bronze curls in my mind and told my father that I’m too focused on schoolwork to look for a relationship. So far, he’s accepted that answer--he knows how important academics were to my mother. But with Snow’s tragic display of his pathological heterosexuality, I know that excuse won’t work now.

Just for a moment, I imagine it. Not even a moment--a split second. But I imagine giving my father a dramatic sigh and saying, “Apologies, Father. I would, except not only am I too focused on schoolwork, but also am I flamingly homosexual and deeply in love with Simon Snow, the Chosen One, the Mage’s Heir, and the boy you have been grooming me to kill since I was eleven. Not that I have any intention of doing so, you understand.”

What I do say is, “Of course, Father. I understand. I shall keep that in mind.”

He nods, looking like I’d done the only thing he ever bothered to consider me doing. “I shall leave you to the festivities.”

He walks away, and I watch him. Once he disappears into the crowd, I take another moment to picture the smiling face of the boy I know I can never have.

And then, with a deep breath, I plunge back into the depths.

SIMON

Normally, spending Christmas with the Wellbeloves is one of my favourite things. I get to spend time one-on-one with Agatha, receive gifts, eat good food, and watch as many reruns of Doctor Who as I want. Watford is my home, but their house over the holidays was the first place I ever felt like someone cared for me.

I’d expected it to be even better once Agatha and I started dating. We’d get to do all the same things as before, only now I’d have an actual claim to be there. I’d really, truly, belong, instead of just playing at it the way I do with everything else in my life.

I think that the only reason it isn’t actually better is because there’s something wrong with me. There must be--no one else has done anything wrong.

I was afraid that Agatha’s parents wouldn’t think I’m good enough for her, and that I might have to prove my intentions to win back their favour. As it turns out, I needn’t have worried about that--they seem happy about our relationship.

I’d expected hostility, and I’d made a list of things I could do in response to it. I did not make a list of what I could do in any other circumstance. I hope that my nerves about being thrown into something I didn’t expect are a big part of what’s making this harder.

Every year, the Wellbeloves and some of their neighbours put on a travelling Christmas party. It isn’t Christmas yet, of course, but it’s close enough to that people keep popping in and out of their house to help Mrs. Wellbelove get ready. On top of the people like me that the Wellbeloves always invite into their home for the holidays, it’s a kind of organised chaos that reminds me of the homes, except that I’m warm and happy instead of cold and scared.

Over the years, I’ve met most of the neighbours, even though Agatha and I usually stay in the den for most of the party. When we arrive, I stop to give a hug to the Wellbeloves’ housekeeper, Helen, and in that time, several of them descend on me.

Most everyone seems happy to see me and while I’m sure that some of it is because of what I am, I think some of it is genuine. I get pulled away from Agatha as I hug and shake hands and for a while, I forget that I’m nervous.

“Simon, I’ve heard that you and Agatha are dating now! That’s absolutely wonderful, dear. I always knew you two were perfect together!”

At least, until that happens.

It isn’t disapproval either. Obviously. The only person I know who actually disproves is Baz, and it makes sense that he does, because he’s Baz and this is something good that’s happening to me.

No one who I actually care about has responded with anything other than support. I’d prepared for if they hadn’t, and in some ways, I almost wish that they hadn’t. I remember fighting about Agatha with Baz, and the nervous, itchy feeling I’d get when he told me I’m not good enough for her is similar to how I’m feeling now.

It doesn’t make sense. I know I should be thrilled. On the drive, I’d spent time convincing myself that being nervous was fine, because obviously it’s fine when you’re faced with people who are reacting badly. And because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Now I do, so I can’t say that. Now, I need to figure out a way to fix whatever’s wrong with me and making me see things this way.

But I don’t know what’s causing it, so I don’t know how to fix it. Instead, I do what I always do. I stop thinking about it.

It doesn’t take me very long to realise that that was a bad decision. Maybe I should have expected that it would be--I’m a shite liar, after all. Which isn’t helped by knowing that this isn’t something I should be lying about.

It takes me almost an hour before I’m able to get away from all the Wellbeloves’ neighbours. I just want to watch some Doctor Who with Agatha, so I’m wandering around the house looking for her when I run into Doctor Wellbelove.

He didn’t speak all that much on the drive out here, and I’ve not seen him since then. But right now, Agatha’s mum is out with Helen and another woman, so it’s just him and me in the kitchen. I immediately want to leave, but I also don’t want to be rude.

We stand in silence for several minutes. I focus on the nearly-empty glass of water that I came in here to get. When Doctor Wellbelove suddenly clears his throat, it startles me.

He looks almost as uncomfortable as I feel, but he still says, “Simon. Would it be okay if I speak with you for a minute about my daughter?”

I think it’s the wrong reaction, but his question relaxes me. I’m expecting that now’s when he asks me about my intentions towards Agatha. If he does, we’re back on familiar ground.

My voice is steady when I reply, “Of course, sir.”

But what he does say is, again, not what I was expecting.

“I just wanted to let you know how glad I am that you and Agatha are together now. You’re a very good person, Simon, and I know you’re capable of loving my daughter the way she deserves to be loved. I just wanted to make sure you know you have my approval.”

Instantly, any semblance of calm evaporates. My chest suddenly feels like someone is standing on it. (Or like Baz has pinned me up against the wall and is crushing my sternum with his arm.) I can’t think about anything except air and how much I need to get out.

But Doctor Wellbelove is still here, and he’s staring at me expecting an answer. I spit out something that I intend to be grateful and about going to find Agatha, but am afraid comes out closer to a jumble of nothing, and run from the room.

Instead of going to find Agatha, I race from the kitchen down the hall to the loo and throw the door open. I don’t even take the time to flick on the light before closing the door and sliding down against it.

The very first time I saw Agatha, I wanted her. She’s beautiful to the point that it doesn’t even feel real, sometimes. There was a part of me that was afraid I’d break her if I got too close, but a bigger part of me that was determined to protect her from other people who might try and do the same. I’m supposed to be the Chosen One--something like that should be the least I’ll have to do.

When Penny and her boyfriend, Micah, started dating last year, he was all she could talk about from the beginning. And being around him made her happier--she even let me go on about Baz and his plots for way more than 10 percent of our conversations, sometimes. Agatha and I have barely been dating a month, but that isn’t how I am about her, I don’t think.

But Micah left to go back to America at the end of last year. Penny hasn’t seen him for months. I see Agatha every day. It makes sense that I’d talk about her less in that case, right? Plus, it’d be weird to talk about her when she’s right there. And unlike with Baz, I don’t want to do so anyway to make her angry.

I’m not in love with Agatha, I don’t think. It’s definitely not like the way Penny feels about Micah. But that’s okay, right? I don’t have to fall in love right away. That hardly ever happens, anyway. And Agatha and I have been friends for years, but that’s different from being together. I can still learn to love her.

I killed a dragon when I was eleven. Falling in love with my beautiful girlfriend should be easy in comparison.

I can do it. I will do it. Because no matter what Baz or anyone else thinks, we’re meant to be together. It’s destiny.

Everyone I’ve spoken with agrees, even Agatha’s parents. That’s enough, right? Someday, if Baz or the Humdrum don’t kill me, the two of us will ride off into the sunset and have our happily ever after.

I repeat this to myself in my head until I’m finally calm enough to rise to my feet and leave the loo.

And if there’s a small part of my brain that doesn’t quite believe it, it’s easy enough to ignore.

[scarlettlawyer]

Part 9 of my reaction/commentary to the Phantoms & Mirages fanfic series by @renegadewangs

(Chasing Phantoms): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

(Haunted Specters): Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

(Vanquishing Mirages): Part 7 | Part 8

Welp. This is gonna be very painful for me on sooo many levels.

Hooo I kinda feel like I’m playing directly with fire in this post.

Now, it’s worth calling attention to the fact that these reaction/commentary posts are, first and foremost, built on my reactions to the source material. They are recounting the journey I, personally, went through as I read this series – that’s why I focus so much on my feelings and what I thought. There is more objective analysis at times, but it’s not the primary focus. Just in case you’re wondering why I’m focusing on myself so much and might get a little “omg can u shut up about urself and just get back to the story already???” pff. (And besides, more objective analysis is always inevitably filtered through the individual’s thoughts/mindset/perspective/preferences/etc anyway. So I’m basically just not even trying to tune any of that stuff out, as one would inevitably have to for a more proper series of reviews.) Ah… I hope reading in such depth about my personal rollercoaster journey is at least somewhat interesting. And not too boring.

…Yes, at the very least, I hope this post makes for a SOMEWHAT entertaining read.

That was part of my goal. Other than honesty to the point of self-sabotage.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 18

There’s a whole bunch of small things I could comment on in this chapter but I’m going to gloss over them instead. I… can’t bring myself to dwell too much on the “side-things” in this post, really.

So. The image of the phantom, sitting with his head in his hands as Bobby and Palaeno dote over him while the phantom just irritably tries to wave them off is just, everything to me. xDDDD One of my faaaaavourite things. And then the phantom just leaping to his feet like that… The entire scene I could just go on and on about it at length… But I won’t. xDDDD The best game of “how much of an uncomfortable situation and awkwardness can we possibly apply to our dear spy – having other characters dote to the point of it being outright patronising – and how will this near-emotionless man respond to such outside forces?”

Okay actually, I will ramble just a Little. “Bobby and phantom = mother and child” is one of my favourite dynamics in this whole series. Bobby in this scene is just No. 1 Mum and it’s aaaall of my yes. So the phantom is forced to play the role of the child once more at this point in the chapter. The reality is that he’s a convicted criminal and therefore cannot be trusted on his own, hence requiring a bathroom escort. But he might as well be a helpless little child who requires adult supervision, as is the norm with children – this is the other amusing lens through which you can joke about Blackquill needing to lead the way there for him.

With that, Simon turned and led the way towards the door. The Phantom followed, as obedient as could be, and Fulbright looked like he was about to do the same. 

The “as obedient as could be” gets me every damn time, ahahaha. Because it really feels to slot him firmly into that “child” role. Being a good little child. For now. His major modes seem to be “obedient child” (e.g. “Sam Specter” doing the dishes in Haunted Specters if you wanted to push it) and of course the classic “petulant child”.

“Am I still meant to thank you for saving my life?” “Would it have even the slightest shred of sincerity to it?” Simon questioned. “Of course not.” “Then, no.”

THIS IS RIGHT UP THERE WITH SOME OF MY FAVOURITE PHANTOM EXCHANGES IN THIS SERIES.

“A fool, but not worthy of the title Fool Bright. Isn’t that right?” The Phantom managed some sort of failed echo of a smile. A smile that wouldn’t convince anyone who saw it. The words struck Simon as odd. Before the Phantom regained his memories, he would choose Fulbright’s side and use an almost defensive attitude to protect the man. Now that the lost year had returned to him, things seemed different.

Just. Shoot me. Please.

So I guess. Maybe he’s still trying to determine if Simon might be hurt the same way he’s sure Bobby will be?? I guess??? Perhaps… his words aren’t so much about how the name “Fool Bright” impacts him personally, but from his perspective… Simon calling him “Fool Bright” could imply that capacity for him to get deeply hurt by the phantom’s death, that Simon might also have some kind of attachment to him like Bobby does but is less obvious about it, and the phantom obviously doesn’t want that. So I guess his goal here… is possibly trying to determine if Simon has any sentimentality towards him that also needs to be stomped out for Simon’s own sake??

“You need to watch your tongue, Phantom. One might almost accuse you of being jealous.”

Me: um dude did he just. Go there? Did Simon really just- nah that can’t be right, I’m just reading things into his words that aren’t there you know-

“Your relationship? You believe I hold romantic or even sexual interest in you?”

Me: OH. OH OKAY. SO I GUESS WE’RE JUST? I GUESS SIMON REALLY WENT THERE HUH AND THE BOTH OF THEM ARE JUST NOT SHYING AWAY FROM THIS TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. THEY’RE JUST MEETING THIS TOPIC HEAD-ON. WELL. OKAY THEN!

The sheer level of whiplash that this turn in their conversation had on me- I had literally only just been joking with my friend about the parent-child dynamics present among the trio from EARLIER ON IN THE SAME CHAPTER as I’d been reading through it.

The scene just. Ends on that line. Wild enough on its own.

And then it. Bobby. The next scene. H. And then the ffffffffffffff

Chapter end.

Me:

“DOES ANYBODY WANNA TELL ME WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???????”

And on that absolutely wild note, Vanquishing Mirages draws to a firm close. It was a little bit strange that this scene never gets revisited or expanded upon moving forward, but that’s no matter. I’m sure it was an innocent writing oversight. At least this fic managed to go out with a huge bang! Turns out that thanks to Simon, the phantom had been saddled with unnecessary feelings! Hahaha, what do you know! Sooo, that about wraps it up for me and my reaction/commentary/review for this post folks, I wish anyone reading this all the best! So next up, we have Lifting Spirits! Going into Lifting Spirits, the title already has a positive touch to it, and well, we’ll just have to see what else it has in store. Cya!

      Ah… I guess this post is a little short to just leave it at that then, isn’t it? Very well. Continuing on with the very next chapter that happens immediately after this one, as we begin the new fic:

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 1

He was just watching a documentary on the Tasmanian masked owl when the doorbell rang.

Hahaha omg that is such a Simon thing to do

A bit irksome, but then again, he was fairly sure he’d already seen this footage before.

Dfkjsfjksdf BIG NERD. BIRD NERD.

THE WHIPPED CREAM AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE COMMENT FROM BOBBY djdjnk GOODNESS ME. I wonder if we’ll get any further allusions to what his relationship with Domestique was, ahem, possibly like in future!

And there’s also th

     OKAY FINE.

     [sigh] FIIIIINE.

Finishing the Chapter 18 review then.

Well my first incredulous reaction was something like, “Are you… serious. Did we not just spend like… Two entire fics playing around with the notion that “Blackquill is Basically the phantom’s dad”???? And then you turn around and do this? HOW IS THE READER SUPPOSED TO FEEL ABOUT THIS? NARRATIVE CAN YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIIIIND? ARE YA REALLY GONNA MAKE A PLAY AT THIS AFTER ALL THE PARENTAL DYNAMICS THAT WERE INTRODUCED?

It’s… Oh my god.

But then again.

It wasn’t like these themes hadn’t been introduced before. The first fic in the series felt so far away, out of reach, and from so long ago (and I’ve already gone over how separated it felt from the rest of the story on first readthrough so I needn’t do so again)… But I had some vague recollections you know. The main thing that stood out to me was Blackquill’s confrontation with the phantom before the phantom allowed himself to fall from the apartment window. Where Blackquill basically Trump Cards the phantom with “Ha! You’re totally into me!” and the phantom went “oh god you’re right” and was soooo ruined over the idea that he was apparently ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE that he was like whew! Think I’ll be taking my leave now and never seeing or needing to speak to you or anyone else again, so great is my mortification! And then he went BYE BYE out the window, the end. That’s Totally what happened, right? And even if that’s not exactly how the scene went, I knew, for some reason(s) that I couldn’t quite remember at the time, that the phantom having a Thing for Simon during the first fic was indisputable. (WE WILL GET TO THAT).

And the thing that’s been preventing this being brought up this entire time? The memory loss. And what’s no longer an issue? The memory loss. It was paaaaainfully obvious that things were different once the phantom regained those memories. The entire parental dynamic wherein the phantom was positioned as being Simon’s son was all set up purely in Haunted Specters, during the memory loss phase. But if I looked at it this way, I took it as “fact” that phantom was into Simon in some way or another prior to the memory loss. All of the weird parental projection stuff seemed to only come after that, while the memories of the missing year were gone. And IF THOSE MEMORIES HAD NOW RETURNED… It makes sense that……………………………

There would be some kind of reversion back to…………

So could this fic compartmentalise it like that, then? And we are to leap from the parental realm now that the memories are returned, and straight into… this? Hmm. But this alone was not enough. There were a couple of other things, too.

See, I’ve already alluded to/essentially stated this previously, but… That scene just before the phantom allows himself to fall from the window? On first readthrough, at the time, I didn’t even particularly like it or truly appreciate it. And then, we come full circle, back to when I had all my pesky little “doubts” about how the phantom’s character was handled in the first fic, finally catching up to me for my full re-evaluation.

I hadn’t really bought the one-sided phantomquill during fic 1. It was one of those doubts from back then. It just hadn’t stuck at the time.

Would it stick now?

Let’s talk a bit about phantomquill.

Well, phantomquill has never been my primary focus. My primary focus has always been the phantom (in Dual Destinies content, anyway). If given the choice, I’d prefer to just have content that has the phantom in it. Not really phantomquill stuff, although phantomquill can certainly be interesting to think about, it was never really a priority or a preference for me.

Except… Almost all phantom-focused content usually seems to be inherently phantomquill in nature. Which is fine! It would be nice to just have some neutral phantom stuff, but it looked like phantomquill was the default. The prerequisite, almost, if someone was gonna have a focus on the phantom in their story. And I didn’t mind. But I’d probably equally enjoy said stories regardless of whether the phantomquill was there or not.

So I guess I’m always kinda inclined to just shrug and go “I GUESS?” when phantomquill comes along. But I had, however, become waaay more fond of phantomquill over the years. It still wasn’t much of a preference but I’d certainly gained an appreciation for it and quite enjoyed thinking about it at times.

And obviously, obviously, from how the last two scenes are set-up – the suspiciously sudden jumpcut between them, I knew there had to be more to what was going on. I knew there probably had to be missing lines that got exchanged that the audience hadn’t seen yet, leading up to/into what Bobby walks in on.

But regardless of what those lines were… The outcome would be the same, wouldn’t it? So what difference could the conversation’s direction possibly make? Things, in one way or another, from how their conversation continues, must have gotten out of h- well. Spiralled into what Bobby sees the phantom doing!!

And I was also amused because HMM… THIS WHOLE SCENARIO… WHEREIN A BLOND PHANTOM… KISSES SIMON, COMMITTING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE IN THE PROCESS OF DOING SO… ALMOST SEEMS FAMILIAR, SOMEHOW.

But actually, there’s really no harm in that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with fanfics containing similar scenarios playing out with their own differences added into the mix. It’s FUN and EXCITING to see different authors handle somewhat similar situations in their own ways. If anything, it should be encouraged.

So could I really accept this scene playing out in THIS fic in all its terrific absurdity? One of the important questions for that was, did it feel “earned” in any way?

I found myself thinking back to previous Vanquishing Mirages chapters, as covered in the last post. About how, back then, I was thinking how this was “peak phantomquill” and how if there’s any way phantomquill should be, it was this. Even back then, I inadvertently found myself glancing at the fic’s tags. “No phantomquill tag? No phantomquill tag? Huh… well okay then. I guess the author doesn’t think it’s phantomquill if it’s not “romantic” in nature and/or only remains subtext. That’s fair enough.” To look at those scenes… To think back to the first fic… And look at it all through a phantomquill lens…… It did feel kinda earned to me.

And you even warned me, in your own way. “Originally planned to have one-sided phantomquill.” ORIGINALLY. That’s essentially what you told me, isn’t it? Aaaand that confused me for the longest time. Honestly. I read through Chasing Phantoms like “???? “Originally” how? This one-sided phantomquill is uh, PRETTY SOLIDLY CANON IMO.” I just figured you meant “one-sided phantomquill that wasn’t just subtext” or “way more obvious”. Figured that in your opinion, if it only ever remained subtext yet still clearly there, well it wasn’t proper phantomquill then was it?

And then when I read this chapter, I was just like… (AND EVEN MESSAGED MY FRIEND BASICALLY SAYING THIS):

“THIS FIC ISN’T EVEN TAGGED AS PHANTOMQUILL W H A T”

(HOOTY HOOO PAST ME THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT).

But it just made me think, “Oh, well. I guess the only reason the author would tag something as “phantomquill” ever is if the pairing becomes canon then? Which it obviously never will here. Therefore there’s no tag for it.”

Now, I’d like to draw your attention to something I wrote in a recent reply of mine to you:

“Not to mention that I loved the courtroom jokes bit so much that, once I decided to let myself enjoy it and accept it, my Willing Suspension of Disbelief was strengthened tenfold and was ready to take just about anything you would throw at it. (And you sure were ready to throw stuff at me and had more up your sleeve!). I gave the story even more leeway to work with willingly, because everything was so perfect and I wanted my suspension of disbelief to have plenty of leeway to fully enjoy EVERYTHING. NO MORE INNER KILLJOY. I knew I could trust in the narrative because it was so strong.”

I guess this was a huge part of my downfall.

I looked at this set-up the chapter left us with – one-sided, inevitably angsty phantomquill, thought back on everything and what it came down to was… couldn’t I just accept it, just like I’d accepted things like the joke-telling? Did I want to? Did I enjoy this scenario?

…Yeah. Yeah, I realised with a bit of surprise that I did. I REALLY, REALLY DID, ACTUALLY. And I wanted to accept it. My inner killjoy was cast aside. It was tiiiime to just enjoy this perfect “angst” or whatever youd call it.

It didn’t matter how ridiculous it may be. When it comes to fanfiction… the sky tends to be the limit. It’s precisely where you can see little fantasies like this one played out. It’s… It’s… If there’s any place this kind of scenario could happen, for sure. This was it. The best thing to do is just… enjoy it for what it is.

Almost everything had primed me to thinking that… This was indisputable one-sided phantomquill, was it not? And if just about every phantom-heavy fic out there seems to have some phantomquill in it, it’s only natural that this one would too, right? There was nothing driving me to question it. And accepting it just made me ridiculously happy and excited. Yeah, it’s “angsty” and one-sided, but it made me so dang happy nonetheless.

And if this wasn’t bad enough.

I went on to make a number of other mistakes that proved to be very, very fatal.

I read this chapter after midnight. And it was sooo much to process, and I wanted to be fully awake to process whatever was coming next… And it was just way too late at night. I figured, I wouldn’t be able to handle whatever was coming next… I needed to sleep. I needed to… save it for tomorrow. And it was too late to read another chapter anyway.

…Oh, if only I had read on… I could have spared myself so much. If I had just gone straight from this chapter into the next one… I would’ve been mostly fine. Nothing would have truly had a chance to sink in and my misconception would have been quickly cleared up. I would’ve been pretty much fine, I’m sure. I would have likely suspended judgement and saved myself…

It really is the kiss itself that was the killing blow, too. If the chapter had only, if it had only ended at the phantom’s last line, and Bobby’s segment saved for the next chapter, I would have EASILY maintained plausible deniability and would have been spared. Even when Blackquill and phantom’s conversation turned in that direction, I had NOT made ANY concrete assumptions.

But what actually happened was.

I turned my computer off,

And went to sleep.

And ohhhhhh boy.

I was very excited to find out how the narrative would continue in the next chapter. Especially how the prose of the text itself would approach it. Naturally, there was going to be immediate fallout.

But the narrative patterns of this series so far also fooled me. One thing was clear: the audience was to find out what happened during the jumpcut from Blackquill’s to Bobby’s POV in the next chapter.

And WHOSE perspective is missing, that is normally left until last? Was it not evident…?

So it seems like my mind couldn’t help brainstorming, and seems my dreams were like, “Oh, what if the prose was like this, starting with this sentence, and then…”

Haah.

So you see, when I woke up the next morning, I had these lines of prose fresh in my mind! And I really liked them, actually! I couldn’t let them go to waste! I had to write them down…!

Yep. It’s terribly embarrassing to admit. But I wrote my own little snippet of a sequel before reading the next chapter. “I can compare, see how the next chapter actually goes…!” I thought to myself naively.

Which brings us to…

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 19

Finally, I eagerly open the next chapter to read and it was just…

I don’t think I’ve ever been more thoroughly played by a piece of fiction in my entire life.

There was that time I was reading a book and one of the beloved characters that I was deeply attached to was very clearly dying. Their death had been one of the possibilities I had been DREADING even before starting the book. It’s a little bit hard to stay alive when there’s a sword lodged in you like that, you know? Their consciousness was slipping away by the moment. I couldn’t read on through my tears. I had to pause reading and pull myself together to push on.

…And when I did? The character suddenly, recovered on the next page. And was fine. Because here’s the thing: said character was a zombie. But like, a weird kind of “alive” zombie which could still die I guess. Had the sword remained firmly lodged in him, chances are he would have actually died. But another character – devastated over this character’s impending death, 100% sure it was about to happen, pulled the sword out. And then, what do you know? The character sat up again and was like “lol wait I’m actually feeling a lot better now lol… well I guess that’s being a zombie for you huh.”

Hah. Well. That’s one example that comes to mind and at least, in this case… the bait and switch was actually going from one thing I desperately didn’t want – to something I actually desperately wanted. For the character to live, or “live” as a perfectly conscious zombie.

There is another example that comes to mind, a little bit closer to home, which involves… ship baiting.

I like to think that it is very hard to make me fall for ship baiting. Sure, I ship things that aren’t canon in media. And I do so with the full knowledge that they aren’t canon and will most likely never be canon. I keep those two realms nice and separate and therefore my feelings never get hurt. I never get too invested to the point of becoming upset… And I can tell, usually, what is sheer shipbaiting and what constitutes actual, canon evidence.

So there was one piece of media I was into, where two male characters were shipped with each other from the very start by the fandom, even before they ever interacted with each other. Then they actually started interacting and their dynamic was awesome, they cared for and were looking out for each other. So the shipping of the two characters only heightened dramatically in the fandom, naturally. Now, everyone was getting invested, but I looked at these two characters and went… “yeah, sure, I would love to see them get together, so I ship it.” But I figured, you know, it was never gonna actually happen, so I didn’t get too invested. I thought, yeah… the writers are deeefinitely throwing in some intentional bait with those two that they will never actually follow through on. So I didn’t get invested.

But then something happened that changed everything for me… One of those two characters got 100% confirmed, beyond a shadow of any doubt, to be canonically in love with the other, in the media itself, undeniably. I always usually look for plausible deniability to cover my bases. That’s what ship baiting relies on. But there was no way around the concrete fact that this character was in love with the other.

And in that piece of media, there was no canon reason, absolutely none, why those two characters couldn’t get together. And if Character A’s canonically in love with Character B… there were MOUNTAINS of evidence that Character B felt the same way. If anything, if I had to take a blind guess at who was in love with who, I would have figured it was Character B way more than Character A.

Well, the writers messed up and stuffed around and played with its audience. They wanted to keep baiting this ship, they introduced very transparent & pointless roadblocks as to why they couldn’t be together only after the fact of one of the character’s feelings revealed, and yeah, turns out the other character doesn’t feel the same way back. They employed just plain bad writing to introduce pointless drama and turned the previously inseparable pair against each other.

Nooow that hurt a lot because I was shipping something that, for all intents and purposes canonically speaking, could've been on the verge of becoming a reality. Before the writers decided to add unnecessary complications and reveal that the other character never felt that way. I got really invested and it turned out to be blatant baiting and, yeah.

Well the example in your fic is obviously very different from that one on a number of fronts. The example just provided was baiting the ship becoming canon. The example in your series is merely baiting the notion that a character had a specific type of feeling(s) for another. In some ways that made it all the more crushing.

Suffice it to say, I felt like the BIGGEST, STUPIDEST idiot EVER when I read the next chapter. I still do. The pain never truly went away sdklsd;madl;dfkj

Well, let’s start on the chapter itself, shall we?

With the chapter summary:

The Phantom’s crazy way of thinking turns the situation into a bit of a soap opera. How does he really feel about Simon Blackquill, as far as feeling goes with him?

Stupid, stupid me, leaning into a microphone: um. Do you even have to ask. This chapter summary alone was one of my favourite things in the world… before reading on.

”My actions were Bobby Fulbright’s actions, not a reflection of my own desires.”

Okay so. I had not actually remembered this line until this second readthrough, and I absolutely have to call bull on this. We know that prior to the phantom stealing Bobby’s life, Bobby never acted on his sexuality. FURTHERMORE, EVEN IF HE HAD, I’m calling bull once AGAIN and am gonna say that the real Bobby Fulbright would never have abused his role as parole officer to cross a line that should not have been crossed WITH A PRISONER THAT HE IS PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR. Unavoidable power balance. The Bobby I know would not, end of story. Even if the real Bobby was attracted to Simon. He wouldn’t have acted on it if he was Simon’s parole officer. AND THIS ENTIRE SPIEL IS MOOT ANYWAY BECAUSE THE PHANTOM WOULD HAVE NO WAY TO TELL WHO BOBBY WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO AND I SOMEHOW DOUBT HE GETS THAT INVESTED IN HIS ROLES TO FOLLOW THROUGH TO THIS EXTENT. I guess what it comes down to is how he later basically says “seeking acknowledgement is one thing, seeking a relationship is entirely another”. So part of the driving force was the seeking acknowledgement…? BUT IN A WEIRD NON-PHANTOMQUILL WAY…? And there’s also the fact that the identity of “Bobby Fulbright” and the nameless spy known as the phantom were blurring together. But IF the identity blurring actually played a role, that would make it phantomquill, so I kind of doubt that’s part of the explanation.

And like, sure, I get it. Pretty sure “Bobby Fulbright” behaved that way immediately after Simon mentioned “the phantom” to him. So his goal was to manipulate Simon, a little bit of that “seeking acknowledgement” in there too (BUT NOT ACTUAL PHANTOMQUILL-STYLE “SEEKING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT” APPARENTLY????) and who knows. Maybe he was searching for the damn profile. Maybe he thought it might be hidden in Simon’s clothes. WHO KNOWS. But like, I get it, it was “not a reflection of his own desires”, APPARENTLY.

fffffffffffffff

”I am what one might call aromantic and asexual,”

So as a quick aside, worth noting that on the first readthrough… Like… I knew the kiss was still coming so at the start when he’s saying this stuff, it felt more like him denying it, only for ya know… the kiss to happen and all. It was only after it fully played out that I came back to this line all like “Oh my god… he was right… he wasn’t kidding…” BUT WE’LL GET TO THERE. WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY THOUGH-

My goodness. Reading this sent me into another realm. It just like? Astral projected me to some other planet because heLLOOOO I WOULD LIKE TO DISSECT THIS A LITTLE BIT:

Firstly, the word “asexual”? Okay, that’s commonly used outside of the context of people being ace. So it would not be too surprising for him to say something about being asexual because, that’s already a commonly-used English word, even if that “common definition” (see: plants and whatever) is not the definition he is using here, he could easily use this word in this context without knowing that plenty of people actually do use it in this context as a label for themselves.

BUT “AROMANTIC” … NOW THAT’S INTERESTING. “Aromantic” is a very specific word with a specific definition! It is not a commonly-known English word in day-to-day life among the average person and it is not used outside of people using it as a label to identify themselves with!

ALL OF THIS TO SAY… FOR HIM TO USE BOTH WORDS? IMPLIES HE KNOWS HIS STUFF.

IF the phantom had been randomly pulling out the word “asexual” because it would be “obvious what it means in this context” without knowing that asexuality is A Fairly Common Thing, he would have just called himself asexual and nothing else. Because for people who aren’t particularly knowledgeable on the subject, they often conflate asexuality and aromanticism together!

With that being said, there is still the possibility that he isn’t aware of the communities that have been formed around those labels. That he was doing a simple equation here and putting “a-“ in front of “sexuality” and “romantic” to demonstrate that he’s “none” in both.

BUT I’M STILL INCLINED TO SAY THAT THE FACT THAT HE SPECIFICALLY SAYS “AROMANTIC” MEANS HE’S KINDA KNOWLEDGEABLE ABT IT…

And I just CANNOT get over this and the implications attached to it. The phantom knows about asexuality and aromanticism and self-identifies as aroace? THE PHANTOM KNOWS ABOUT THE SPLIT ATTRACTION MODEL? DSDFKLMLKDF;LDSL;-

Ohhh my god.

And yes, in this year 2019 these terms and communities are becoming more and more widespread, but they’re still not particularly mainstream. I know also that this fic is set in 2028, but… I’m more primed to think about when this fic was written – a few years back – when these terms and communities would have been a little bit more obscure. That’s the primary background I think of RE: the phantom actually knowing this stuff.

Also, hah, it’s so many layers because WOW… Talk about absolutely awful aroace representation in a sense right here. You get this character in your canon calling themselves aroace and they’re… the despicable, emotionless murderer & VILLAIN. Feels like it falls directly into the “bad representation” trap, HOWEVER. I do feel that the situation is much more nuanced in this case.

Like yeah, he might be an emotionless murderer, and on the surface that looks bad, BUT! He’s also a major protagonist that we have come to sympathise with at times and feel bad for… The story has followed and focused on him so much. It has shown him in so many different lights, somehow managing to make him such an extremely well-rounded character with depth. Therefore, at least to me… It doesn’t necessarily feel like bad representation at all. He’s not limited to being the bad guy. He’s so much more than that. This is nothing but another aspect to his character. And being aroace is not necessarily directly linked to his villainy. So much about him has been broken down and deconstructed. So somehow… by some miracle… In the context of this fic, the fact that the emotionless murderer is aroace could almost circle back around into being almost good representation, amazingly enough. Or… well, that’s the thing. Whether it’s “good” or “bad” representation most likely ultimately isn’t your primary concern anyway. Neither is “representation”, for that matter. What matters is a good story with good characters that make sense. So there may be no point talking about the representation angle anyway: it’s not necessarily “representation”. It’s just a character with a certain identity that happens to neutrally exist in the plot, whoever that character may be and whatever that character may happen to be.

And I also have happened to see you mention that you yourself are ace!

But I’m merely analysing the text as I would with any piece of fiction – and will continue to do so. Being aware that you’re ace yourself gives me a little bit more perspective on things, but I wouldn’t have necessarily been aware of that in different circumstances and therefore wish to look at the text as its own entity and how it comes across to me as the reader.

As for the rest of what he says…

Ohhh geez. Now it’s time to talk about something else. Another little fatal mistake I made in my approach to reading this series. We must once again return ourselves to when I read Chasing Phantoms.

Now I myself am asexual, of the repulsed kind… xD

So when I came across That phantomquill scene in Chasing Phantoms, my response was basically just, “oh GEEZ that is NOT a mental image I want thankyouverymuch nope nope nope nope.” And just – kept reading on and did my best to forget about that scene. Juuust bury it away and not think about it. :P Ignore it! Pretend it didn’t happen. And this alone created some “distance” between myself and the narrative at the time, that my instinct already was to reject something connected back to that version of the phantom.

Looks like I did a little too good of a job forgetting about it. And with it out of mind, well, I’d become sooo heavily entrenched in the series by this point and really was clinging to everything that was canon.

I read this chapter and it was just like… oh dear. Oh DEAR. That was a thing. That happened in this series!!!

It was just SHOVED in my face undeniably in this chapter, as if I could not have possibly received a nastier slap in the face with the reminder of that incident’s existence. xDDDD

My distance when reading Chasing Phantoms had just come back to bite me in the biggest way… I’d gotten so heavily attached to the canon of this series by this point. But I’d conveniently forgotten the canon that I didn’t want to acknowledge, and hadn’t fully acknowledged back then. Suddenly! I was well and truly being forced to acknowledge EVERYTHING! Ahaha.

The spy pushed away from the sink to take a few steps towards Simon. The look on his face was harder than it’d ever been before. The closest thing to fierce determination the man could muster, perhaps.

THIS must be when he gets the STUPID idea to, I DON’T KNOW, SHIPBAIT ME INTO OBLIVION? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

There was nothing heartfelt or affectionate about it.

NOTHING????? NOTHING?????????

“Awww… Busted.” The Phantom ran a hand past his mouth, but he was still grinning. It was a grin that Simon remembered from those first visits to solitary confinement. A grin that’d been coupled with purposeful jabs below the belt. “Isn’t that a damn shame?”

In spite of everything…………. I love this line. I just love the “aw busted” it’s sdjdfnkljdlnk I LOVE IT. HE IS THE WORRRRRRRST.

“Don’t be like that. I was only attempting to relive that pleasant night we had last year before it’s too late.”

Me: OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP RIGHT NOW I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS SHUT IT DOWN.

Phantom: [opens mouth to speak]

Me:

Oh I can’t. I cannot.

Me: “I am BEGGING you to shut up. For once in your miserable life, in your whole pathetic existence… SHUT UP.”

This narrative had given me so much Suffering & Sympathetic Phantom and a whole manner of like… “Nice” Phantom and this is just…………… W O W. The narrative primed me so much on things like Sympathetic Phantom and “hahahaaaa he’s a child just look at him!” and this is just like! A harsh, merciless jolt! -OH ONE LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO RECEIVE ACTUALLY, WASN’T THINKING OF THAT WHEN I TYPED THAT BUT HAHAA…

BUT HIM SAYING THESE THINGS HAD SUCH ENTERTAINING SHOCK VALUE TOO. THE FLIPPANCY!

The Phantom stirred and pushed himself into a sitting position. He was still trembling, though at the very least that detestable grin had been washed off his face. “You’re welcome.”

Goooo to hell. Go to hell.

He briefly considered retrieving his feather from the ground as well, then thought better of himself. Five second rule aside, the fact that it was lying on the bathroom floor of a hospital instantly rendered it trash for the janitors to do away with.

SDKJBSDKJB SIMON.

“Understood.” The Phantom pushed himself to his feet, though he seemed to be having some trouble keeping his balance. Perhaps the electric currents had left a stronger impact on his body than was evident. To think this incident took place right before a jarring surgery…

HE IS SUCH A MORON. YOU IDIOT.

Perhaps this would be their final conversation, Simon realized with a sudden jolt. …No, the surgery would be harmless. It was an easy procedure. That was what the doctor had claimed.

This I had a small bit of trouble with, because something like brain surgery hardly seems like an “easy” and “harmless” procedure, but the dangers were actually touched on as I pointed out in my previous post… I just guess I would have emphasised the dangers a little more. But perhaps you did research and were able to determine that such a hypothetical procedure… would be “harmless”…?

The Phantom closed his eyes for a few seconds and Simon could see the corners of his mouth twitch. “I am… glad that we got to be partners one last time. Trust or no trust, I think that we make a favorable team.”

Look my soul had already well and truly left my body by this point of the chapter so I did not remember this line at all. I don’t really know what the hell’s it ‘sposed to mean or what’s going on. I guess it doesn’t matter. I have already been DESTROYED.

Dear Phantom,

Yours Sincerely,

-One of your biggest fans.

Sooo I was devastated. And felt deeply humiliated. And then that devastation turned to pure desperation. Even if things turned out this way… There had to still be hidden actual one-sided phantomquill nonetheless, right? I needed this. I needed this so badly, I’d staked everything on one-sided phantomquill’s reality here, something I had never truly done in any other phantom fic I’d ever read – fics that would willingly offer up phantomquill to me on a silver platter.

But every last bit of “phantomquill” that I’d been assuming and hadn’t even cared for prior to this point turned out not to be phantomquill at all…? It faded away, just when I needed it most. At which point, a second wave of devastation hit me. At the fact that not only had the chapter gone horribly, horribly awry from what my fantasies had played out in my mind, but that there had apparently never been any one-sided phantomquill. Heightening my sense of my own idiocy tenfold.

And this second wave was exacerbated by another realisation: Even if there were traces of genuine phantomquill to be found in other parts of the series, it hardly made any difference in the end. My feelings were hurt by chapter 19. Everything had been banked on that. And nothing could change how it actually played out.

And I thought it over countless times, because I usually like to pride myself on understanding and siding with authorial intent, you know? Or at least striving to most of the time. Was I truly just unbelievably stupid? What was I supposed to expect from the chapter? What about the other “phantomquill” scenes and implications that took place, dotted all throughout the series, that can be viewed through different lenses? It was clear that some baiting had been at play, but how much of it had been intentional and how much was me just an idiot reading the text incorrectly? (The fact that you were gunning for it in the beginning makes it seem like such a deep-rooted, ridiculously long-running con-job… my goodness… Even if it wasn’t intended to be a con from the start… That means the audience… Can you really say the audience is not being conned way back in Chasing Phantoms? How else were they supposed to interpret the phantom’s characterisation back then…?! How were they supposed to know…! And if actual phantomquill had been what you intended at the time of writing it…!) Oh I was ruined and driven into doubting myself so much and KICKING myself over this.

There was… No justice in any of this, it seemed. And I could not even feel “righteous” in any way. I just felt pathetic.

Because I’d only been asking for something one-sided… I’d wanted to see my favourite character suffer even more. It’s not the “normal” “I just want character to be happy” type angle. So it felt like such a weird thing to beg for. But beeeeeg for it I did anyway, huh.

I just! Wanted! To see some more Vulnerable Phantom! Maybe with just a little bit of genuine emotions leaking through! What would have made it so wonderful… Is that it takes place JUST before the surgery! Therefore it would demonstrate that even with his severely limited emotional state! He still…! THAT’S WHAT I WANTED OK IS THAT SO WRONG?!

No it isn’t and meet me out back I’ve got sources come prepared I’ll present my ten page essay on why you wrote your own fic wrong and sjsdjsdkj

^Me, in all-out confrontation & idiot mode, arguing at you over this, well and truly willing to go down with this one-sided ship

And when some of the devastation subsided, I went into Bitter Mode. Ohhhhhhh the saltiness. Ohhhhhhh I got salty, veeeeery salty. STILL not entirely sure if I’m done being salty. Or will ever be done being salty & bitter over this, played up intentionally to my friend to reap all of its comedic potential. :P I’d been burrrrrrrrrned.

So there you have it. Since you like irony so damn much…

I took the “phantomquill” in this series for granted at first. “Phantomquill” that I later practically begged for.

I didn’t care a whole lot for the initial scene where the phantom lets himself fall from that window in Chasing Phantoms (of course, I later realised how good it was on its own). A scene that was directly tied to and paralleled one of the extreme heights of my enjoyment in Vanquishing Mirages, also helping me to gain a far deeper appreciation of said earlier scene.

And the one time where I got super invested in phantomquill and wanted it, really wanted it, was with one of the very few fics that would flatly refuse to provide it.

Oh wait, one more thing too. The aro ace thing. Lol if he was agender too in this, he’d be triple-A hahaha

That was another thing when I came across the phantomquill in Chasing Phantoms initially. I was just like, “mmmm, no, nah. If anything, going by the “canon” of the game, if you absolutely had to put a label on the phantom, he’d be aro ace.”

Well. Turns out…

And, under just about any other circumstance, it would make me pleased to see the phantom call himself aro ace, and yet… The circumstances couldn’t be more… :T

So when it finally sunk in that, yea he is?

I was just like…

“No… no no no no no no… This is not happening… This cannot be happening…! MY OWN LOGIC IS BEING USED AGAINST MEEEEEE……………………”

: (

But yes. The ironies that can be listed of this situation do go on and on.

That was it. The last Simon saw or heard of the entity known as the Phantom.

Me, who in spite of everything, actually does still love the phantom very much and does not want to see him now promptly vanish from this really well-written series in his really well-written form, and has noooo idea how this is gonna go and what the result of this surgery is gonna be and is therefore very nervous about how “the phantom” will transform after this point:

If the doctors were successful, an intangible spirit would take the form of a true human, rather like a phoenix being reborn from its own ashes.

“I’ve literally just been brutally left in the dust I am hardly in any state to appreciate the beauty of sentences like this one. GO AHEAD, SHOW ME YOUR PRETTY PROSE, BUT IT’S A LITTLE LATE NOW ISN’T IT. IT WON’T WORRRRRRK I’M TOO BUSY HAVING BEEN SO THOROUGHLY OWNED BY A BAIT AND SWITCH THAT I’M LYING ON THE GROUND IN TINY PIECES”

To prove once and for all whether or not there was a true identity hidden inside him.

That’s nice but I literally just could not bring myself to care anymore. I was done. The fic ended in the last chapter. It was finished. “My version’s canon to me now.” That’s one way I could try to cope and pretend my heart & dignity can remain intact. Whatever is going on now it’s just an interesting au. My little self-indulgent version is what obviously happened.

This fic could do whatever the hell it wanted because nothing about it mattered anymore, I didn’t care, it’d lost me. I pettily decided at the time that Anything after Chapter 18 is the Wrong Timeline so It’s all meaningless as far as I was concerned!

Fulbright… Was he truly so angry that he would miss the moment of the Phantom’s awakening?

It’s kinda funny because in a sense, I was Bobby at this point of the chapter. Absent : ) Yeah, ok, I was reading on through my pain… But I was very. Emotionally absent, disconnected, or whatever you’d like to call it. In Chasing Phantoms I wasn’t particularly invested because of all the doubts I’d had. And here, my investment in however the series would continue dropped DRAMATICALLY because I’d been too invested in it. It was just like… “Ok. Might as well see whatever the hell happens. But nothing in this series can ever truly make me happy again as it did before. The line’s been crossed. Sayonara.”

…Yeah, rather bold words to utter just prior to Lifting Spirits.

But you baked the most perfect, beautiful and tantalising-looking phantomquill cake to me… and then you just… IMMEDIATELY destroyed it. You took a hammer to that cake. Threw it in the bin, leaving me desperately, brokenly reaching for the icing still smeared messily on the table, and when I did, YOU SLAPPED MY HAND AWAY. No siree I could not even have some of that icing. Ya blew it. I was done. UNFORGIVABLE. Line crossed. Your rights to the work were forfeit as far as I was concerned. It was all mine now.

Was he consulting with his trusted therapist, perhaps?

HOHOOH what if he did though. I can’t remember if that gets confirmed either way. PFFF WELL YOU CAN ADD THIS MESS TO THE LIST OF THINGS BENNY MIGHT KNOW ABOUT THEN???? HOW… INTERESTING!

Ok but also:

I SWEAR TO GOOOOOOOD THIS LINE ACTUALLY MADE ME SO? CONFUSED AND BORDERLINE, IF NOT OUTRIGHT SUSPICIOUS ON FIRST READ BECAUSE LIKE.

Okay, there was another much more direct Benny reference earlier this same fic. He’s actually NAMEDROPPED. I didn’t point it out at the time because I didn’t want to be too tedious about it and waited until the next reference like this, which I figured there would be, so that I could comment on MY THOUGHTS.

So waaay back earlier in the fic, when Benny actually gets namedropped for the first time:

What sort of advice would his therapist offer? He wished he could call the man and explain his situation, because Benny always had just the right answer to any problem.

Me at the time: wow, even the offscreen therapist gets a name? What a series! Is this series fleshed out or what?!

But even back then.

There’d just been. Such a handful of references to this guy.

Like, when the therapist first started being referenced it was all like “oh I’m so glad Bobby’s getting the counselling and help that he needs”.

And then he just

Kept being referenced after that

And with each iteration I just got a tiny bit more and more like

“O-okay…? We know Bobby is getting help… We are aware of it. And that’s great. I’m really glad. Not sure why the therapist matters though… weird focus on the therapist since it’s Bobby’s recovery that is paramount here, not the therapist helping him. Just not relevant.”

Like I was deeply impressed that such an unimportant character got named, yet at the same time it was like. Aaaaalright. He’s really not warranting this much focus. But okay then.

And now it’s Blackquill bringing him up, not Bobby. And SURE I guess the mention KINDA makes sense from him but the focus felt so fishy to me… “TRUSTED therapist”… why the emphasis on how great this guy supposedly is. C’mooon. It REALLY made me go HMMMM. I was just like… who cares though. There’s literally no reason to bring the therapist up he’s not connected to any of this or the plot at ALLL… He serves ONE purpose and that is to be the unseen background force helping Bobby to work through his issues. That’s it!

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 20

Oh… This chapter… is so good. Wow… Wow. Not much else I can say rn.

He’d never appreciated her. Now it was too late.

Simon saw no need to keep the truth from him. This plan had been the Phantom’s, not his own. He’d merely been roped into it as an unwilling accomplice, yet he refused to cover the spy’s tracks.

Ffffffffffffff

Yeah I was gonna go off about “idiot spy” again at this point but I’ve tired myself out from all the salt I’ve overloaded into this post so that my past pain can serve at least some kind of fun… But god. God. The phantom’s plan was PAPER thin just, ridiculously flimsy, yeah sure he came up with it on the fly whatever I guess but it like. Depends on Blackquill playing along and ffffffffffffff. Alright I guess maybe he figured Simon would play along if Simon was interested in shielding Bobby from grief as the phantom explained was his intent but god. Ghhhhhh. It just feels like insult to injury too cause he has this Grand Plan to protect Bobby which immediately proceeds to fail.

And it was enough to fuel his loathing further. He shook his head so violently that it made him dizzy, yet he managed to stop himself from raising his voice again. Shouting wouldn’t make his point any clearer. Instead, he stepped forward and crouched down before Fulbright’s chair. He grabbed the man’s nearest hand with both of his own. He was lousy with words and he knew that much, but he needed to at least try to communicate his thoughts- his feelings- before this misunderstanding was allowed to spread any more. “Do you truly not remember what I’ve told you from the day I first met you?” he demanded, his tone of voice more fierce than he’d intended but lacking in volume nonetheless. “You are nothing like the man who played the part of my chaperone. I would sooner take my own life than return to those days. You, on the other hand, give me another reason to live. I can tell the difference between the two of you and that makes all the difference in the world.”

[…]

“I love you, Bobby Fulbright, not the fallacy that pretended to be you. However, if you dare to call my feelings into question again, I will not hesitate to tear you to shreds myself.”

This is a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming for Blackbright right here. This is SOO good. I really admired and appreciated this shining Blackbright moment even amidst the whirl of everything else I was busy reacting to.

And… On that uplifting note, I’ll finish this otherwise ridiculously salty mess of a post. XD I’ll tackle the rest of this chapter & more beyond next time. This is already waaaaay too long anyway. But I knew that this post would inevitably be a massive one, and I had to essentially say Stuff You to the very notion of any self-imposed word-limits.

[zeldauniverse]

Last week, in a tiny hidden bar typical of Melbourne’s inner east, Nintendo gave us hands-on time with Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

Nintendo Australia had hoped to get us in front of a newer build of the game (we would have loved to try King K. Rool and Simon Belmont!); however, the build was identical to the one we played at E3 some two and a bit months ago. However, where our time with the game at E3 was rushed and hectic, this time we had a solid two hours in a laid back environment which allowed us to get comfortable and explore more of what it had to offer.

And what a difference that makes to perspective.

To sum things up, we had a smashing good time, and we’re now more excited than ever to add Smash Ultimate into our gaming libraries. Our Publications Director David Johnson and Special Projects Director Shona Johnson were at the event. Here are a few of our thoughts on the game:

Shona Johnson, Special Projects Director

As a long-time Smash player — I’ve been with the series since the Nintendo 64 — playing Ultimate with a big group over food and drink was instantly familiar, taking me back to happy times when I played Melee for hours on end with friends or, more recently, Smash Wii U parties. Although it’s been a while since I last fired up a game of Smash, and I haven’t played since the demo at E3, my Smash instincts and muscle memory kicked in, throwing me into that wonderfully chaotic place where some of my favorite characters are beating each other up.

At E3 there were a limited number of play slots available (strictly one per person), and I signed up to play it competitively, which meant that part of my attention was given to attempting to win, meaning I played it safe with characters I knew well, in addition to checking out what was new and different. Fortunately, towards the end of the second day of E3, the lines died down to the point where the wait wasn’t hideous, so I was able to get in a few rounds of fun play where I could at least try out some of the new characters. I had fun and walked away from E3 feeling incredibly impressed by the game’s polish, but spending two hours with the demo gave me a chance to try out a lot more and really get a feel for the gameplay.

The demo for Smash Ultimate had 23 out of the game’s 103 stages to select from.

Also 30 characters of the roster were present, but a few classic fighters were held back.

Matches were limited to two-minute free-for-alls with up to four players playing solo or in teams. Items were on, and we couldn’t change any of the settings. A roster of 30 characters was available, and we could choose from 23 stages. I was able to play most of the characters and stages available. The event had multiple stations, most of which had Pro controllers, but a couple had GameCube controllers. It’s nice to see the GameCube controllers being carried through, as many Smash veterans are familiar with these, and, at the end of the day, each player will be able to set up their preferred controller configuration.

Existing characters feel familiar, and most of the changes to their moves are subtle if any have been made at all. Most of them appeared to be fairly well balanced, although it’s hard to say given that I was swapping characters a lot and playing against people of varying skill levels. Ridley and the Inkling were the new characters in the demo, and both had their own unique movesets that took some time to get used to (and honestly, I didn’t play them enough to get used to them). Ridley is slow and heavy, and I struggled with him a bit because I struggle with that sort of character more in general, and I found that the pace of the gameplay made it hard to spend time effectively splattering paint over everyone as the Inkling. That said, in one match while playing a different character I kept getting trapped in paint by another Inkling which was somewhat annoying for me but great for them I imagine!

The list of stages we had to choose from included both new and returning ones. A big difference in Ultimate is that players choose the stage before choosing characters, with the idea that players can choose a character to suit a stage, although that never really crossed my mind because it’s something I’ve never considered before; for me, it’s more the stages in general that I love or hate rather than playing on them with specific characters. And at this event, I was much more in the mindset of wanting to see everything and try it all out, so I never even thought about the stage while I was selecting my character.

All of the stages look amazing. Of the new ones, the Great Plateau Tower from Breath of the Wild is a fairly small one where the roof collapses in occasionally, and surprisingly this isn’t a hazard; it just looks cool. Moray Towers is the new Splatoon stage, and it’s a series of sloping levels stacked vertically above each other. I found this one hard to fight on because players were more spread out and on different levels which made it hard to land hits. I imagine this will be better suited to people who like slightly slower gameplay and having more chances to recover, or it might be more fun with eight players. Conversely, I cannot imagine how chaotic eight-player Smash is going to be on the Great Plateau Tower!

In Ultimate, having items turned on didn’t feel quite as chaotic as they have in past games, and I think they’ve been nerfed a fair bit. The once-almighty hammer — I got one and the guy next to me said “uh oh” as soon as he heard the music — didn’t produce the KOs or near-KOs I would have expected in the past. Likewise, Smash Balls didn’t always guarantee KOs like that did in Smash Wii U/3DS. They’re also harder to grab, although they also sometimes just land on the ground and stay still; the first time this happened we were all wary of the Fake Smash Balls and ran away from it until someone hesitantly kicked it and realized it was a real one!

I felt that I had to be very accurate when landing blows and dodging. It should lend to a technical playstyle that will suit competitive players and those who play for fun.

Overall, the gameplay feels faster and more precise. Thankfully there’s no Brawl-style random slipping and tripping, and I felt that I had to be very accurate when landing blows and dodging. Fast characters like Fox and Sonic covered ground incredibly quickly, and some of the heavier characters like Donkey Kong felt more agile. If you’re not paying attention, you can be sent flying off screen and not realize where you are at first! It should lend to a technical playstyle that will suit both competitive players as well as those who play for fun (because the core concept of Super Smash Bros. is fun).

Two hours of the one style of match flew by, so I can only imagine how many hours I’m going to get out of the game playing with different modes and rules. And that’s before I even consider any possible single-player modes, which I hope there will be for the times when I take my Switch with me on the go by myself. I didn’t want my time with Ultimate to end, and now more than ever I eagerly await December when I can get the full version into my hands.

David Johnson, Publications Director

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has all the potential to be the best Smash Bros. game to date. Thus far, everything Nintendo has shown oozes with that careful attention to detail that Nintendo is simply known for. While we don’t know all of its secrets yet — there’s this maybe “Spirits” mode on the main menu that we know nothing about that may be a major single-player component to the game(?) — I can’t help but be extremely excited for the series to make its way to the Switch.

How can I describe Ultimate? Well, the short answer is that it feels very much like Smash Bros. More specifically, it feels a lot like Melee, though admittedly I haven’t pulled out my GameCube to play it in quite some time. While there is a good dose of beautiful chaos in the game caused by items, assist trophies, and Poké Balls, it’s all a manageable sort of chaos. It just feels good to dart into piles of characters, take some pot shots (or get hit trying!), and then escape to go at it again.

At the event, they had a couple of stations with GameCube controllers set up, but I figured I would give the Switch Pro Controllers one more fair go, even though the default control scheme of every controller since the GameCube has made me want to cry. And while I still wasn’t 100% in love with the Pro Controller’s default setup, I did find myself hating it a lot less. But I still will either be using a GameCube controller or resorting to making a custom controller configuration for me when the game comes out.

Because we had two solid hours with the game, I went and truly experimented with characters both familiar and unfamiliar as well as played practically every stage that was on display. For the characters I was familiar with, I found the differences between the Ultimate fighters and their earlier incarnations rather subtle, though Marth especially seemed incredibly floaty, much more so than he was in Melee. (That said, I chalk this up as a good thing!) For characters I was unfamiliar with — Ridley, Inkling, and the host of DLC characters from Smash 4, they all felt incredibly unique from the cast of old, and that’s hugely refreshing. That said, the fact that many of the characters are becoming Echo Fighters (thus with the official salute that they’re “the same character” as some other), makes me happy; finally, we can hope to see so many characters truly become unique entities rather than carbon copies of one another.

And the stages were mostly fantastic. They look utterly fantastic, and they set the stage for a visually impressive game. And none of them felt like they detracted too much from the overall premise of the game: dominating over all your friends. That said, I still utterly despise the Mega Man stage brought forward from Smash 4, though I’m extremely relieved that not only can we trigger each stage’s Ω (omega) form but also simply play with the stages as is sans their various stage hazards. Finally, we can play the Dr. Wily stage without the Yellow Devil ruining an otherwise fun game.

The Smash Balls’ effectiveness has been nerfed quite a bit. In order to counterbalance that, the Assist Trophies seem much more powerful.

As far as the items go, there were only two major differences I’ve noticed in playing the game. First and foremost, the Smash Balls’ effectiveness has been nerfed quite a bit. Since Brawl, while it’s always been possible to survive a Final Smash, it was exceedingly unlikely. However, now the survivability has been greatly upped as the Final Smashes aren’t really so “final” any longer. Perhaps this is done in order to keep it in line with how short many of the moves have been made or just to allow them to not disrupt gameplay as much, but it really makes it feel much more balanced as a whole. (That said, the Smash Balls seemed extremely difficult to even get to as they moved far quicker than before!)

In order to counterbalance that, the Assist Trophies seem much more powerful. In previous games, Assist Trophies generally remained on-screen for no more than a few seconds at most. Now, many Assist Trophies have been modified to become temporary allies on the stage, giving you a not insignificant advantage. While the Assist Trophies are able to be defeated and don’t dish out overwhelming damage in one go, they possibly will be one of the more contentious design decisions for Smash Ultimate.

The gravity well item popped up quite a bit in the game, and its effects can be felt everywhere.

Thematically, Ultimate is full of so many little subtle details that show just how much Sakurai and his team love Nintendo and its entire legacy. The subtle changes to Link to bring about his Breath of the Wild form are carefully balanced by pushing Princess Zelda and Ganondorf to other parts of the timeline to showcase the breadth of the Zelda series. The fact that the Echo Fighters now exist allow for a greater depth of exploration into the various franchises without providing an overwhelming feeling of sameness permeating everything, such as when Dark Pit was announced as a separate character in Smash 4.

Outside of my hands-on experience, what I think impresses me the most about Ultimate is just how much variety there can be inside the ordinary Smash experience. Sure, there are tournaments and oodles of other features and modes, but having well over 60 characters to choose from and over 100 stages to fight on will give so many permutations of fighting that it’ll be impossible to play them all. Whenever I’m smashing it up with friends, there always comes to that point in the evening when I stray away from the characters I’m familiar with and start playing the characters I’m either terrible with or simply don’t play as much, and Ultimate will ensure that I’m always wanting to experiment and try another character again and again beyond that.

December 7 cannot come fast enough. Smash Ultimate, I’m desperately waiting for you.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will be released on December 7 for Nintendo Switch. Thank you to Nintendo Australia for inviting us to come and Smash!

Two hours with Super Smash Bros. Ultimate this might just be the best Smash so far Last week, in a tiny hidden bar typical of Melbourne’s inner east, Nintendo gave us hands-on time with 

[randomobsessionsofa30something]

My top10 favorite korean albums of 2017

This year was filled with interesting korean music. I'll soon pick my favorite songs of the year but first I made a list of my favorite albums. Because there were so many singles released that I loved, both lists are bound to be different even if there will be some coincidences. 

Honorable Mention. Red Velvet- Perfect Velvet For me, this album is the best Red Velvet has released. I just find this album to be complex and with the exception of Attaboy I liked every song. I thought the songs have a lot of layers. Apart from the title Peek-a-boo, Kingdom Comes and Moonlight Melody are a most listen.

10. Jonghyun-The Collection “Story Op.2″. I made this list before Jonghyun passed away so I struggled whether I should even mention him or maybe place him higher in the list but I think both things would be just a reaction to what happened. Having said that, this album is great. Lonely, the title, was a bit weak for my high expectations of Jonghyun’s music. Now the lyrics seem to have more depht than I first thought but maybe I’m just over thinking it. The songs are based on the stories he talked about in his radio show. Thinking back maybe he also wrote them because he identify himself with those feelings. Then again maybe that would be reading too much into it. Every song is worth listening to. Love Is So Nice is such a delight to listen but Let Me Out is a masterpiece.

9. BewhY-The blind star. For me BewhY is one of the most amazings korean rappers, when I listen to his flow I just find amazing how he creates the kind of rhythm I’ve only heard in american rappers yet he has his unique style. This album shows just that. The only song that I was not that excited about was 9ucci Bank which was the title. I just didn’t love the hook, Dok2 was amazing though. The stand outs for me were Red Carpet, Where Am I ft Gaeko and My Star. However the whole album is worth listening to.

8. IU-Palette. IU has broken all kind of records in sales and charts in Korea throughout the past few years. I've known of her for a while of course and to tell you the truth even if I think she has a pretty voice and enjoyed a couple of her songs I never thought she was that good. Why? Well outside of kpop the music I listen the most is indie/folk and that's exactly IU's style. So every time I listen to it I think it's pretty but nothing new. Without reading about her likes and dislikes in music I can tell she listens to a lot of what I listen to, people like Lucy Rose, Feist, Birdy and London Grammar. In Palette I still see a lot of those influences but there's definitely some interesting songs and the album has a cohesive feel even if she plays with different genres. Her title Palette is inevitably the best song of the album. Not only the lyrics are about being 25 and I can definitely relate but also the song is catchy and just when you begin to think is a bit repetitive GD does his thing and lifts the quality of the song. Love the artsy MV. In Ending Scene and Full Stop there's so much emotion in her voice that it's inevitable to pay attention, they kind of make me think they would be great OSTs. Can't Love You Anymore with Oh Hyuk has a more edgy feel.

7. Taemin-MOVE. This album starts with a bang and keeps surprising you with every song. I didn’t love the songs that were added for the repackage (they’re good, I just prefer the others) but for me the first version of this album is pretty much perfect. The pop, dance and r&b mixture in this eclectic album blew me away. Apart from the sexy chill single Move, check out Love, Heart Stop, Rise, Thirsty and Flame of Love. 

6. Zion.T- OO. Zion T’s voice is so unique that it’s impossible not to notice. Of course I’d heard Yanghwa Bridge but didn’t get into Zion.T until this year. I really do think he’s a genius songwritter. Every song in this album has some element that feels new. The Song, the title, is just an easy to sing along song with a great hook that’s totally addictive. Cinema, The Bad Guys and Complex (ft. GD) are my favorites of the album.

5.  Bobby-Love and fall. People who have followed me this year won’t be surprised by this choice because I shared my thoughts after I first listened to this album and I just loved it. I wish it did better on the charts. I still don’t know why it didn’t when the album is so good. BOBBY, who has done a heavy party hip hop style ever since his appearance in Show Me The Money, did a 180 for this album and showed a softer side. To a lot of people’s surprise it turns out he can sing and his voice is unique. What I’m most impressed about is his song writting skills. The whole album is amazing. My favorites are Runaway, Alien, Tandae and In Love.

4. EPIK HIGH-We've done something wonderful. This album took me by surprise. I always check out Epik High's stuff and it's always cool. I was once again expecting something great but I didn't imagine just how much I would love this album. Every song has amazing lyrics. They're hip hop is in most cases supported by great vocals (Lee Hi, OhHyuk, IU, Kim Jong Wan, Lee Suhyun and Crush). My absolute favorite song of the album is Home is far away ft OH HYUK. Here come the regrets ft Lee Hi, Love Story ft IU and NO THANXXX ft MINO, Simon Dominic and The Quiett.

3. GD-Kwon Ji Yong. I keep describing GD’s music just by saying “well is G-DRAGON there’s nothing else to say”. This album is only five songs, one is an intro, another is an outro so I know it’s weird to still put it in third place when there was so many albums that are so amazing this year but for me it still stands out. As expected every song is a bop but his title Untitled, 2014 is just the definition of a perfect ballad. The amount of feelings that song has is contagious. It’s even more impressive among the hip hop songs in the album. The other song I absolutely love in this album is OUTRO (Divina Commedia).

2. Zico-Television. Last year Zico had such a great year and this year was no different. Had a bunch of very interesting collabs but his mini album Television is just incredible every song is just so on point. I find Genius(Behind the Scenes) and Artist to be fun. Fanxy Child ft Fanxy Child is just cool and Dean’s hook is just too much to handle. She’s a baby is just beautiful (love the MV by the way). However is ANTI that blew me away. The lyrics, G. Soul’s vocals and that heavy beat left a big impression from the very first time I listen to it.

1. EXO- THE WAR: The Power of Music. I’m totally biased when it comes to EXO. I know that. I still can confidently say there’s not a weak song in this album. Every song has its own flavor but somehow feels like they belong in the same album. This album mixes pop, dance, r&b and hip hop. I love every song  from THE WAR album and I can’t bring myself to choose a favorite: is Forever better than Kokobop? Is The Eve better than Diamond? Is What U do better than Going Crazy? Is Chill better than Touch it? However when the repackage came out things changed. Sweet Lies for me is head and shoulders above the rest. I loved everything about it. Boomerang and Power are also great addition to THE WAR thus completing the 12 track repackage called The Power of Music.

[jellojolteon]

Hi! I know you get a lot of asks on the grey long Ay but I was curious about something. How are some of the main characters supposed to get Akumatized. Eg. Nino wanted Adrien to have a birthday party but that didn't happen because Gabe was being a jerk, or Alya when she got Akumatized because she wanted to find out LB secret identity. I know this might be too much to ask but I'll ask anyway. Could you make a master list of how the Champions were made in this AU? (pt. 1)

No, no worries! Every ask I get makes my day! In fact you made my dreams from last night come true by filling my inbox haha ;u;

So as a basic pretense, the champions still come about the same way; the folks who get made into Champions are still upset about something when Greyling reaches them, but it’s the handling thereafter that makes the difference between what Hawkmoth does and what Greyling does. I can still make a master list for you of people who have been akumatized up to S1 (sorry if I miss anyone lol), but there are only a handful of changes. 

As for Chloe? An excellent question. I think it’s complicated because she’s still Adrien’s oldest friend and now she’s indirectly doing him a huge favor, but he is also much quicker to wake up to the bully she’d become since he see what she’s like when he “isn’t watching”. 

Unfortunately for this end of the story I’m more interested in the interactions between the main three, so it’s likely that a lot of this, if I can get this big ol thing off the ground, won’t make the actual cut.

(See below cut- numbering is not indicative of order, but if order is important I’ll mention it. Also note that this may change in the final go, if I get there.)

1. Stoneheart - This is LB’s first fight against Tux and while the theory of it is the same, Greyling does not exist yet to bring Stoneheart to life. Marinette encourages Ivan much the same way as she does in canon and he and Mylene still get together.

2.  Stormy Weather - We’ll go with this one as Greyling’s first Champion. Aurore loses the weathergirl competition, but Adrien tells her that if it’s recognition she’s looking for, he might be able to help. Help he does.

3. Mister Pigeon - Ramier gets chastised by the police for feeding the pigeons. Adrien consoles him (somewhat regrettably considering his allergy) and tells him that pigeons are not inherently bad, and that a good way to show how honorable and invaluable pigeons can be might be for Ramier to help enlist them to fight Tux. This champion marks the beginning of Mari’s internship.

4. Lady Wifi - Alya snoops in Chloe’s locker, she pitches a fit, gets suspended. Greyling comes to her explaining that he knows her intent was innocent, and that if she really wants to show everyone she’s the bigger person, perhaps she can help him fight Tux today. Alya is of course like “oh fuck, I’m communing with my homegirl’s crush” and wholeheartedly agrees. Things look dire, and hers is the first instance of possession we see. I’m going to (unoriginally) henceforth call this special “ability” the Butterfly Effect.

5. The Bubbler - Mari introduces Adrien to Nino and Alya via video chat. Adrien is super excited to have friends and both Nino and Alya want to meet him. Adrien’s birthday is soon and Nino suggests a party. Gabe never yells at him directly but Nino finds out from Adrien that it’s a no and gets upset on Adrien’s behalf. Greyling suggests later, when Tux attacks, that it’s no birthday but hoo boy would Adrien think it great if Nino helped fight one particularly nasty adult. It might help get all those negative vibes out.

6. Copycat - This one might ultimately not happen in the AU, just because the pretense is so intertwined with the canon dynamics.

7. Kung Food - This is the first time LB witnesses and must repair a cataclysm death. Mari is lucky that her Uncle is in town to help her through the experience. Greyling reasons with Kung Food in Chinese (which is much better pronounced than in the show) that the cooking competition isn’t the end of the world, and that he’ll help him get another chance to prove himself in a fair environment.

8. Darkblade - not sure where this one falls, but when D’Argencourt loses the mayoral election, Greyling explains that maybe he can help show Paris true nobility by standing up to another person who has usurped the peace.

9. Vanisher - Greyling catches Sabrina at a low point when Chloe is snubbing her. He points out that there are many many unsung heroes throughout history but if it would help her, he might be able to arrange something that would get her recognized in the form of assisting LB.

10. Antibug - Here’s a fun one! This one doesn’t go super hot but I think this is where Chloe develops a little bit. Greyling tells Chloe that if she really wants to make a good impression on LB, maybe getting in the way isn’t the answer. But what if she was a champion instead? Chloe is too bitter to be working alongside LB at the moment, but things eventually turn out ok, even if it involves Tux getting the upper hand for a bit there.

11. Horrificator - Mylene is scared and Greyling explains that sometimes it takes some help to face your fears. I’ll help you face down the scariest monster in all of Paris, and I assure you that you’ll always be able to face your fears after that. This one is also a bit of a shaky one but it works out ok because as she grows bigger, Tux gets more frightened by her.

12. Timebreaker - another that I’m not sure happens? I feel like time travel is a bit of a slippery slope in this AU for some reason.

13. Princess Fragrance - After Chloe belittles Rose, Greyling compliments her heart and says that helping him fight tux might be a good way to prove Chloe wrong. (Aside: I can’t imagine a lot of these kids would normally have the sense to take down a murderer. But Ladybug hasn’t lost anyone yet and the trust they put in her to keep them safe is immense)

14. Reflekta - You might see that showing Chloe what a good person looks like is a pretty common thread here. Greyling gets good at convincing people that Chloe is wrong and that fighting Tux with the things she demeans about them is a great way to prove it. She slowly learns.

15. Evillustrator - Nath wants a date with Mari, and also for Chloe to Not. This one doesn’t go well.

16. The Puppeteer - This is where Greyling figures out that Tux is his dad. In his rage, he makes a very bad decision to send out Manon after Tux. Granted she’s not doing anything directly but still. Ladybug deadpans him a look through Puppeteer and he has an ‘oh shit’ moment. He pulls her out and goes for Simon Says instead.

17. Simon Says - Adrien isn’t quite ready to let go of his petty yet and this is just as much for himself as it is for Simon. Nooroo and Adrien have an important talk about choosing champions after this battle is over.

18. Heartbreaker - Much of the same spiel about proving Chloe wrong, though I don’t know how his powers could be of threat to Tux. Not sure if this one makes the cut.

19. Rogercop - After getting fired, Greyling hits Roger with the whole “If you really want to serve and protect, boy could I really use your help.” After Roger’s proven bravery against Tux, he regains his job. There are probably more long-winded effects of this in the au but I’ll have to get there before I figure it all out.

20. Animan - When Kim insults Otis’s prized panther, Greyling suggests that maybe a catfight is exactly the kind of shakeup Tux needs, and it would certainly prove Kim’s ridiculous comments wrong. As for Alya and Nino getting together? I can still see them getting locked in the exhibit for their own safety.

21. The Gamer - Mari and Adrien kick ass in a gamer tournament, and Max gets upset because he’s overthrown by someone he’s never even met. Adrien just has a lot of time to play video games when he’s shut in, y’know? But Adrien realizes he may have gone a little too hard and requests Max’s help defeating Tux. He fluffs Max’s confidence by pointing out what a skilled and analytical fighter he is. Ladybug could use someone like that (instead of someone who sits from afar… hm…) in her fights against Tux.

22. Guitar Hero (pffff oops) - “Hey Jagged Stone, you know what would absolutely skyrocket your popularity? Riding around Paris on a DRAGON while blasting a cat man with SOUND WAVES. Does that sound like some killer album art to you? It sure does to me. Also I’ll throw in glowy tentacle hair as a bonus, I’m a big fan of your work actually.”

23. Pixelator - Greyling says, “Hey, man, maybe let the guy have some space, y’know? Being famous is stressful. Here, if you really want to be like him though, help me fight this guy.” Please don’t ask me how that works Greyling just gets real good at his job at some point.

24. The Mime - Fred’s meddling understudy tricks him into missing a performance, but Greyling sees an opportunity for the most kickass show of Fred’s career. He’s not wrong.

25. The Pharaoh - unfortunately, another one I’m not sure happens? Remnants of this ep might be involved though, with Jalil helping LB uncover some of the history of the miraculouses. Looks like the Kubdels get off easy in this story haha

26. Volpina - Lila’s compulsive lying gets her into a sticky situation (probably actually not with LB tho) and Greyling tells her that maybe he can give her a true story about herself worth telling. Greyling has been itching to get out for a few attacks now and this is where he finally gets the opportunity to go out. He just has a bad feeling about things and goes out to check. As I mention in the comic about their first “meeting”, Greyling’s intuition is correct and he saves LB from a nasty head injury as she passes out on top of a building from a previous wound. This also incidentally marks, for the most part, the end of Greyling’s use of others to fight. He still brings a few out (maybe I’ll get to integrate some from S2?) but this pretty neatly ties up most of the pre-outside timeline.

Sorry this got so long, but thanks again for the ask, @randomstar365! I hope this is a satisfactory answer. 

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Great Ace Attorney Replay: Dual Destinies DLC, the Finale

TIME TO SAVE SASHA

Phoenix: All right team, let’s do our best! I have faith we can save Sasha together!

Athena: It sure feels nice to be part of a great group like this! I just want to say I really love working here with all you fabulous people. Thanks for bringing me aboard, Boss!

Phoenix: S-Same here Athena. (She’s so earnest, she’s making me blush.)

Athena is an actual angel, I love how much she loves everyone around her and is so happy to be here.

Pearl is SO excited about “forensicking”, now I want her and Ema to hang out.

Athena: My first collaborative work with Pearly!

Their friendship gives me life. (I love how much Athena and Sasha love each other too. Sasha’s like “YOU’RE GREAT” and Athena’s like “NO YOU’RE GREAT.” It’s adorb how Sasha ducked under the partition to cry when we said we’d defend her 2.)

Someone may have poisoned the whale and Athena is PISSED

Athena: WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING TO ORLA. IF I GET MY HANDS ON THEM, I’LL RIP THEM TO SHREDS!

Phoenix is all omg Athena follow the law when it comes to punishment. Now he knows how Miles feels with Kay. They can bond over having daughters who are ready to fite everyone.

Simon comes in to the aquarium all chained up and is like “you don’t care about the defendant you guys are totally just doing this for money don’t lie to me”. 1. Simon do you even know anything about Phoenix he is perpetually on the verge of bankruptcy and 2. you KNOW FOR A FACT Athena became a lawyer for YOU why are you trying to provoke her simon what is your goal with this

PROVOKE HER SIMON DOES! ATHENA IS SO MAD. Her reaction to this is to SPLASH HIM with the water they’re standing near I’m serious. Phoenix is aGHAST.

 “oH NO...SHE HIT HIM WITH THAT WATER....HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE THOUGH...?????”

okay though can you just imagine this scene. Simon makes his comment, Athena immediately stomps over to the water, and, looking Simon dead in the eye as she does, splashes him so he is completely drenched. He just stands there, soaked, water dripping off his manacles. His suit is ruined. His hair is sodden. His eyeliner is smudged. His expression doesn’t change at all. It is still completely neutral. His gaze is still locked with Athena, eye contact unwavering. 

Athena also stand there, glaring, for several long seconds and then stomps away. Simon remains where he is, face still utterly blank. Everyone watches this scene unfold with dumbstruck expressions.

TELL ME THAT IS NOT HILARIOUS. HOW DID PHOENIX NOT REALIZE THEY KNEW EACH OTHER.

(This is the kind of Simon and Athena friendship/surrogate family content I want tbh. Simon being all intimidating goth making withering comments and then Athena just...throws water on his face like she disciplining a grumpy cat. Or just drags him away by the ear. And he just resigns himself to it. Everyone is like “HOLY SHIT WHO IS THIS GIRL”)

Okay so we go back to the office and i kid you not, I can just hand Apollo a dead fish as Phoenix and be like “Apollo cook this for me”

Apollo is like “MR. WRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU CARRYING THIS” “it’s for the penguin” “THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST GIVE IT TO ME TO COOK” “I dunno I was hungry” aMAZING. I love that even if he’s no longer a hobo, Phoenix is still totally down to fuck with Apollo. Apollo’s like “jesus if you love raw fish so much then we can just go out for sushi after the case” and Athena and Phoenix are like “YAY APOLLO’S BUYING US SUSHI” and Apollo’s like “I should have never opened my mouth”

APOLLO’S SUFFERING IS ETERNAL

u know actually i was wrong. Apollo is not as screwed over as Athena was in the other dlc. At least he gets to help us and is there as a consulting option.

The fact this dude has a baby penguin living in his hair makes the entire case worth it on its own tbh.

Pearl says she’ll help us by guarding the orca and helping it communicate through court. Rimes is all “omg but it’s dangerous” and Pearl’s basically like “I don’t care I have no fear.” YAY PEARL. TIME FOR COURT. 

The Judge is AGOG over this baby penguin’s cuteness, which offends Simon since he didn’t react that way to Taka. “T-Taka is fine too!”

And NOW there’s a part where we choose to cross-examine the orca. If we choose to cross-examine her the Judge is all “MR. WRIGHT THE ORCA CAN’T TALK” but when we choose the right answer he’s all “aw i thought knowing you you’d cross-examine the orca. i’m kinda bummed it didn’t happen”. WELL IT COULD HAVE IF YOU’D LET ME JUDGE! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Phoenix was all “oh no what should i do” so Athena OBJECTed on his behalf and told him she’s speaking up for him bc she knows he hasn’t given up! At which point he’s all “YEAH TIME TO GO BACK TO THE OLD WRIGHT WAY” and what is the Wright way? CROSSEXAMINING ANIMALS, DUH. TIME TO INTERROGATE AN ORCA.

Here’s Orla’s all-important testimony: “fweeet fweet fweet! fwe wrrr click fweet!”

I think it’s really important that Phoenix refers to the orca as “Ms. Shipley”. iirc the aa movie confirmed for me he refers to the parrot as “Sayuri-san” in the Japanese version, confirming this is a thing he does to all animals he cross-examines.

Simon: If you continue this mockery, I will subject you to forty lashes with a wet fish.

Athena: Not a wet noodle? That just sounds...fishy.

Phoenix: Hey, Speaking from experience, anything is better than forty lashes with a whip.

Franziska lives on in all our hearts.

Athena: Oooh, doesn’t Orla sing beautifully?

Simon: Hmmph! Taka’s singing voice is much more melodic and clear!

Phoenix: (Meh. Neither one should quit their day job.)

It’s a good thing Phoenix didn’t say that out loud, I’m fairly sure Simon would have actually killed him.

One thing I like about this case is that nobody involved in it is a jerk deep down, which is rare for Ace Attorney. Norma is really abrasive, but when she finds out she was mistaken about what she thought and wrote, she really regrets it and gives us information because she just wants the truth. She even decides to publish a book to correct it and goes out of her way to advocate for the aquarium and help out. She takes her job seriously. Herman is also abrasive, but turns out to really care about the animals and others and helps us out. 

And then even “the real culprit” turns out to not be a murderer- he just did something that led to an accidental death. He tried to frame the orca because he thought it killed his gf and would kill again for the murder and that was his only crime He was very adamant about not letting Sasha take the blame for the murder, though. He even tried to SAVE the victim when he fell. So he goes to jail for a few months but comes back- basically things turn out okay for everyone. It’s a pretty feel good case for Phoenix’s comeback, and I found myself liking all the characters involved to an extent- or at least respecting them as people with principals. Also, that orca is cute. It’s a cute case overall, even if it’s nothing incredible.

And with that, I AM DONE!!! DONE WITH THE ACE ATTORNEY REPLAY. It’s been a long road, but a good one. I was glad to revisit everything.

NEXT: PROFESSOR LAYTON V PHOENIX WRIGHT! TOTES NEW CONTENT. I can’t wait.

[surveysonfleek]

373.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 8

701. What is your favorite mixed drink? mojito or espresso martini. 702. When answering these questions are you often pulled in different directions, as if committing to one answer eliminates the possibility for all others? errrr i don’t really think that hard. i just type whatever comes to my head first. 703. Chicken Mesala, Pasta Primavera, Veal Cutlet Parmesan or Linguini with Clam Sauce? veal cutlet parmesan. 704. If you were alone in your friend's house/room/apartment would you look in their drawers and notebooks? no. i’d be annoyed if a friend did that in my place

705. What would you really like to do but you don't because you are afraid of getting caught? hmm nothing.

706. Of the following, which word best describes you: responsible: this. spontaneous: tactful: uninhbited: 707. Which band would you most likely check out? The Smiths (indi-pop 80's-90's) The Lords of Acid (acid/house/dance 90's) <--- this Front 242 (80's-90's industrial/dance) 708. How can one put an end to procrastination, as a bad habit? make a list everyday and committing to finishing those tasks everyday. 709. What feature would you want on your car that is not currently offered? inbuilt gps. or subwoofers. 710. What kind of poetry speaks to you? song. 711. What is your favorite store that is open 24 hours? there is nothing open here 24/7 but mcdonalds and gas stations. 712. Do you find that sleep is just so much sleepier when you are supposed to be doing something else? sure. 713. Do you also find that the books you chose are so much more luscious when you have a stack of actual assignments that you Should be reading? of course. 714. If you have had the chance to compare the original 5000 Question Survey to this edited version, what is your opinion? i don’t know the original version. 715. What's the most creative answer you can think of for 'what is black and white and red all over'? a newspaper. 716. Why do people slow down on the highway when they pass a cop car pulling someone else over? either to watch or make sure to follow the speed limit in case the cop goes after them instead? 717. Are they afraid that the cop will STOP pulling over whoever he is pulling over and pull them over instead? yeah, just said that lol. 718. It's daddy's birthday. What do you get him? i’ll ask him what he wants a week beforehand. 719. What's your 5,000 question survey nickname? Look at the word next to the 2nd letter of your first name A anything but B bubalicious C captivating D deadly E erotic F funky G greasy H heaps of I indie J jelly K kinetic L lasher M Mr. (or Mrs.) N neglected O ogre-like P parading Q quacking R Rico S stinky T the one and only U uber V Velcro W wishing for X x-tra Y yearning for Z zoobalee Now take the first letter of your last name. A aardvarks B baboo C creme pie D drag queen E eggbert F flex G god H hell I Isabelle J juice K kisses L lightning M mannish boys N nice O octopi P porcupines Q q-bert R rainbows S suave T tushy U underwear V valor W weenie X xtc Y yohimbe Z zipper Put the two words together for your nickname. erotic drag queen. 720. You know that shaky feeling that you get when it's all coming to a climax, and everyone involved is breaking into the good kind of cold sweat, working as individuals and at the same time as a single force of energy, and it all meshes together, and for a brief moment, you're holding your breath and tingling all over, and after it's done you're on an explosive and dizzying high for the rest of the night? What does that feeling come from? drugs or adrenaline surely. 721. How many of your teachers can you imagine drinking or doing drugs on the weekends? i don’t go to school anymore. 722. Do you like Alice in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass? i haven’t seen it. 723. Write a question and answer it here. no. 724. Who is your favorite playwright? none. 725. What movie has come out recently that you couldn’t have less interest in? the emoji movie lmao. 726. What would the worst movie ever be about? emojis. 727. Do you like truffles? Do you like Turkish delight? i like both. 728. Can you tell the difference between a transvestite and a real woman? i mean would it matter if i could/couldn’t? 729. What's funnier, plants or fire extinguishers? neither. 730. For question 720 did you write down sex? You pervert, I was thinking of musical theater. nope. 731. Which is better, leopard print or plaid? haha plaid if i had to. 732. What would you consider ordinary? ugg boots lmao. 733. What is out of the ordinary? idk. 734. Do you ever watch COPS? bahaha yeah when it was on tv at like 2 in the morning. 735. Is there always room for j - e - l - l - o? no. 736. If you had your own TV show, what kind of show would you make it? reality probably. 737. Do you know how heavy things like airplanes stay in the air? i have a faint idea. 738. When do you act the most dramatic? most of the time. 739. Are you one of those people who have, "see photo id,” written on the back of their credit cards? nope. 740. It's mom’s birthday. What do you get her? i’ll ask her what she wants a week beforehand. 741. What celebrity has pretty much disappeared leaving you wondering 'where are they now'? that video vixen, angel lola luv. 742. Would you get angry if you and your girl/boyfriend saw the preview for a movie and talked about seeing it together and then they saw it with one of their friends while you were busy? hahahahaha this has happened before. i was sorta annoyed but got over it quickly. 743. How many people do you think will finish this whooooooole survey? i’m sure there’s people that have. i’ll try my best. 744. Have you ever written a message, sealed it in a bottle and thrown it into a river/lake ocean? nope. 745. If you haven't would you want to? too much effort. 746. If you ever did what would you write? - 747. What do you wish you could always be protected from? danger. 748. What small thing annoys you so much it should be a crime? arrogance. 749. Would you rather watch a video of fish in a tank, or the Yule log on TV? fish in a tank. 750. Is it better to be loved or feared? loved. 751. What causes you to panic? things not going to plan. 752. Do you believe that you have a strong personality? kinda. but lately i’ve gotten a bit more laidback. 753. When Jesus saves souls...does he trade them in for valuable prizes? i don’t think so. 754. What resolutions would you make if it were new years? lose weight, save money. 755. Why wait? i’m not waiting right now. 756. Do you feel like time is on your side or working against you? working against me. 757. What do you do for yourself when you are down to put a little joy back into your life? distract myself with netflix. 758. How much Tolkien have you read? none. 759. These are the songs on the radio. Which are you most likely to listen to: Time Bomb by Rancid Dead Man's party by Oingo Boingo The Sun Always Shines on TV by A-ha 50 Ways to leave Your Lover by Paul Simon Run by collective Soul none 760. Do you believe that Jesus existed as a real person? well yeah, hasn’t it been proven he was real? 761. Do you believe he was the son of god? haha idk. 762. How do you feel about organized religion? it is what it is. i’m all for different religions, i’m just against brainwashing cults. 763. What sentence have you heard lately, that would sound pretty odd out of context? idk. 763. If you had to choose one image to be a symbol of our times, what would you pick? a damn smartphone. 764. Name a group of people: millennials. 765. How many of them does it take to screw in a light bulb? google it. 766. Do you like the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and some muppets? i haven’t seen it. 767. Do you like the movie The Dark Crystal? never seen it. 768. Metallica or Guns N' Roses? neither. 769. Do you follow the Chinese zodiac? no, but i know i’m born in the year of the horse. 770. Do you like reggae music? i don’t hate it. 771. What makes your life worth it every day? just all the opportunities i’ve been given. 772. Do you seize each day and sink your teeth into it? unfortunately not. 773. I’ve heard people say that Jim Morrison never yawned because he was just so full of life. How often do you yawn? everyday probably. 774. Who decides what behavior is 'crazy' or 'sane'? idk... 775. Who are the most inspiring artists, musicians, poets, and writers? honestly anyone who’s striving to be successful in those crafts. 776. Did anything historically significant happen in the year you were born? all i know is that pretty woman was released lol. 777. Besides blowing out birthday candles when do you make wishes? 11:11 sometimes. haven’t caught that time in forever. 778. Are you self-sufficient? yes. 779. Is it better to be wanted or needed? wanted. being needed can be pretty hard. 780. What do you feel is an appropriate age to lose one’s virginity at? whenever the person is ready. 781. Do you feel that the appropriate age for girls and for boys is different? probably.  782. Are you a hard person to get to know? not really. if i get along with someone and conversation flows well then it’s fine. 783. What is the craziest thing you have ever done out of anger? thrown my phone into the other side of the room. 784. What's the MOST annoying sound you can think of? nails on a chalkboard. 785. What's the silliest vegetable you can think of? bittermelon. 786. Do you believe in love at first sight? no. 787. Name one thing you have referred to in the past as “better than sex”: i haven’t. 788. What do you see when you turn out the light? nothing. 789. Do you like jazz, blues and/or swing music? i don’t typically listen to it but it’s nice. 790. Do you prefer gold or silver jewelry? white gold. 791. In what ways do you want your children to be like you? everything except my laziness. 792. In what ways would you want your children to be different from you? my laziness lol. 793. What was the scariest movie you've ever seen? idk. the conjuring. 794. What was the funniest movie you've ever seen? 40yo virgin. 795. What was the worst movie you've ever seen? umm idk, like mean girls 2 haha. 796. Are you a good massage-giver? i think so. 797. What is one question that no one can ever truthfully answer 'yes' to? idk. 798. Is there more to this world than human beings can perceive? i’m sure there is. 799. If matter is neither created nor destroyed then is it possible that you are made up of molecules that once made up Ghandi or Jesus or Einstein? well possibly but i doubt it. 800. Are you often sarcastic? pretty often.

[earlyback]

kiss to light bonfires and fill the sky and hold the stars aloft.

Reading was like an addiction; I read while I ate, on the train, in bed until late at night, in school, where I'd keep the book hidden so I could read during class. before long I bought a small stereo and spent all my time in my room, listening to jazz records. but I had almost no desire to talk to anyone about the experience I gained through books and music. I felt happy just being me and no one else. In that sense I could be called a stack-up loner.

Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

She wasn’t broken. She was made up of a thousand tiny little cracks. She was always trying to keep herself glued together. but it was hard, she felt too much. No matter what she did, her emotions seeped through, sometimes in drips, other times in floods, She felt everything, the heaviness of the clouds right before rain, the rush of the subway cars as they left the station, the feeling of goodbye as she watched someone walk away, wondering if it was the last time she would see them, the feeling of a kiss lingering on her cheek for hours. She felt the loneliness of the sun as it hung in the sky, shedding light on the day, without companion. And she longed to give as much as the sun. If she could brighten someone’s day, bestow warmth were there was cold, make someone smile, give someone hope, then for a minute, an hour, maybe even a day, the cracks would fill with love and the pain would become only a voice, reminding her that her pain was important. She knew how fragile life was, how hard, and how precious. She wanted to feel it all.

he kissed her as if he could breathe her in. Fierce kisses, hard ones, teasingly articulate ones, soft enticing ones, kiss to light bonfires and fill the sky and hold the stars aloft.

Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Which begs the question: Can we choose who we love ?

When you try to escape your past without confronting your emotions, you repeat those same past patterns over and over. and that’s just what happened to Will and me, along with a few others who got swept up into the storm that was our relationship. then came the awful secret. the one that changed everything.  

Sometimes the most painful relationships are the ones that help us grow into who we are and to find the love we had been searching for all along.

Jacqueline Simon Gunn - Where You Will Land

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

no. 2 | six years ago on 22 Feb 2013 - our chat : helo .. how are you ? , are you coming to wild fire tomorrow ? | hi .. I am okey . Yup .. I am coming , Hope it’s fine.. |  yes u must come .. will going to meet you.. wats up with u ? any news  | Me too !! | What else ?? it’s seems we have missed lot of talk… | no we have not missed anything, anyway u tc and have a great day | You too !!

no. 2 | six years ago on today 15 March 2013 - our chat : U r the sweetest. Tk U tk U.😊. Pucca. 😊. | hi call me.

for the witty, piquant, minded and exquisite woman in my life. these numbers are for both of you to understand my stand for you. just pick up the moment and understand the scene and lyrics. love you.

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

Reading was like an addiction; I read while I ate, on the train, in bed until late at night, in school, where I'd keep the book hidden so I could read during class. before long I bought a small stereo and spent all my time in my room, listening to jazz records. but I had almost no desire to talk to anyone about the experience I gained through books and music. I felt happy just being me and no one else. In that sense I could be called a stack-up loner.

Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Sleep claimed her eventually. She slept heavily, welcoming the escape. But some time later, while it was still very dark, she found herself struggling upward through layers of dreams. Someone or something was in the room. her first thought was that it might be Beatrix's ferret, who sometimes slipped past the door to collect objects that intrigued him.

rubbing her eyes, Win began to sit up, when there was a movement beside the bed. a large shadow crossed over her. before bewilderment could give way to fear, she heard a familiar murmur, and felt a man's warm fingers press across her lips. "It's me." her lips moved soundlessly against his hand. "Kev." Win's stomach constricted with an ache of pleasure, and her heartbeat hammered in her throat. But she was still angry with him, she was donewith him, and if he had come here for a midnight talk, he was sadly mistaken. She started to tell him so, but to her astonishment, she felt a thick piece of cloth descend over her mouth, and then he was tying it deftly behind her head. In a few more seconds, he had bound her wrists in front of her. Win was rigid with shock. Merripen would never do something like this. and yet it was him; she would know him if only by the touch of his hands. What did he want? What was going through his mind? his breath was faster than usual as it brushed against her hair. Now that her vision had adjusted to the darkness, she saw that his face was hard and austere. Merripen drew the ruby ring off her finger and set it off the bedside table. taking her head in his hands, he stared into her wide eyes. he said only two words. but they explained everything he was doing, and everything he intended to do. "You're mine." he picked her up easily, draping her over one powerful shoulder, and he carried her from the room. Win closed her eyes, yielding, trembling. She pressed a few sobs against the gag covering her mouth, not of unhappiness or fear, but of wild relief. this was not an impulsive act. this was ritual. this was an ancient Romany courtship rite, and there would be nothing half-hearted about it. She was going to be kidnapped and ravished. Finally.

Lisa Kleypas, Seduce Me at Sunrise

Which begs the question: Can we choose who we love ?

When you try to escape your past without confronting your emotions, you repeat those same past patterns over and over. and that’s just what happened to Will and me, along with a few others who got swept up into the storm that was our relationship. then came the awful secret. the one that changed everything.  

Sometimes the most painful relationships are the ones that help us grow into who we are and to find the love we had been searching for all along.

Jacqueline Simon Gunn - Where You Will Land

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

On your pillow was a note that read:

“Everyday the mood gets jealous of the sun, but once the night comes you would never know a thing. Just like the sun gives it’s light to the moon, no matter what the day brings, every night you’ll know I’ll always love you.

awake with me tonight - we can feel each other. love you.

You - m i S S

#3549

to them - listen adequate music : c - d - s - k - k - a

post time : 00.07.26.04 am

VW - SN - us being in fervent love.

[earlybeck]

You're mine.

Reading was like an addiction; I read while I ate, on the train, in bed until late at night, in school, where I'd keep the book hidden so I could read during class. before long I bought a small stereo and spent all my time in my room, listening to jazz records. but I had almost no desire to talk to anyone about the experience I gained through books and music. I felt happy just being me and no one else. In that sense I could be called a stack-up loner.

Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Sleep claimed her eventually. She slept heavily, welcoming the escape. But some time later, while it was still very dark, she found herself struggling upward through layers of dreams. Someone or something was in the room. her first thought was that it might be Beatrix's ferret, who sometimes slipped past the door to collect objects that intrigued him.

rubbing her eyes, Win began to sit up, when there was a movement beside the bed. a large shadow crossed over her. before bewilderment could give way to fear, she heard a familiar murmur, and felt a man's warm fingers press across her lips. "It's me." her lips moved soundlessly against his hand. "Kev." Win's stomach constricted with an ache of pleasure, and her heartbeat hammered in her throat. But she was still angry with him, she was donewith him, and if he had come here for a midnight talk, he was sadly mistaken. She started to tell him so, but to her astonishment, she felt a thick piece of cloth descend over her mouth, and then he was tying it deftly behind her head. In a few more seconds, he had bound her wrists in front of her. Win was rigid with shock. Merripen would never do something like this. and yet it was him; she would know him if only by the touch of his hands. What did he want? What was going through his mind? his breath was faster than usual as it brushed against her hair. Now that her vision had adjusted to the darkness, she saw that his face was hard and austere. Merripen drew the ruby ring off her finger and set it off the bedside table. taking her head in his hands, he stared into her wide eyes. he said only two words. but they explained everything he was doing, and everything he intended to do. "You're mine." he picked her up easily, draping her over one powerful shoulder, and he carried her from the room. Win closed her eyes, yielding, trembling. She pressed a few sobs against the gag covering her mouth, not of unhappiness or fear, but of wild relief. this was not an impulsive act. this was ritual. this was an ancient Romany courtship rite, and there would be nothing half-hearted about it. She was going to be kidnapped and ravished. Finally.

Lisa Kleypas, Seduce Me at Sunrise

Which begs the question: Can we choose who we love ?

When you try to escape your past without confronting your emotions, you repeat those same past patterns over and over. and that’s just what happened to Will and me, along with a few others who got swept up into the storm that was our relationship. then came the awful secret. the one that changed everything.  

Sometimes the most painful relationships are the ones that help us grow into who we are and to find the love we had been searching for all along.

Jacqueline Simon Gunn - Where You Will Land

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

no. 1 | ten years ago - our chat | V just reached home n going off to sleep … wl call up whn i get up in the morning | Ok take care , miss u, gud night.

hi bachcha, ( sending coffee ) i have full faith in ur assurance to me. my full support to ur career growth. we have been through with thick n thin time in our life n will come over with this phase as well. love u n take care. 😊😊

no. 1 | nine years ago on 14 Feb 2010 - our chat : hi bachcha. happy valentine day n lots of love to u … ( missed to post on 14.02 ) missing u …. take care…. catch u in the afternoon (ours)……

for the witty, piquant, minded and exquisite woman in my life. these numbers are for both of you to understand my stand for you. just pick up the moment and understand the scene and lyrics. love you.

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

06.21.26.04 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing you and no. 2 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

Reading was like an addiction; I read while I ate, on the train, in bed until late at night, in school, where I'd keep the book hidden so I could read during class. before long I bought a small stereo and spent all my time in my room, listening to jazz records. but I had almost no desire to talk to anyone about the experience I gained through books and music. I felt happy just being me and no one else. In that sense I could be called a stack-up loner.

Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

She wasn’t broken. She was made up of a thousand tiny little cracks. She was always trying to keep herself glued together. But it was hard, she felt too much. No matter what she did, her emotions seeped through, sometimes in drips, other times in floods, She felt everything, the heaviness of the clouds right before rain, the rush of the subway cars as they left the station, the feeling of goodbye as she watched someone walk away, wondering if it was the last time she would see them, the feeling of a kiss lingering on her cheek for hours. She felt the loneliness of the sun as it hung in the sky, shedding light on the day, without companion. And she longed to give as much as the sun. If she could brighten someone’s day, bestow warmth were there was cold, make someone smile, give someone hope, then for a minute, an hour, maybe even a day, the cracks would fill with love and the pain would become only a voice, reminding her that her pain was important. She knew how fragile life was, how hard, and how precious. She wanted to feel it all.

he kissed her as if he could breathe her in. Fierce kisses, hard ones, teasingly articulate ones, soft enticing ones, kiss to light bonfires and fill the sky and hold the stars aloft.

Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Which begs the question: Can we choose who we love ?

When you try to escape your past without confronting your emotions, you repeat those same past patterns over and over. and that’s just what happened to Will and me, along with a few others who got swept up into the storm that was our relationship. then came the awful secret. the one that changed everything.  

Sometimes the most painful relationships are the ones that help us grow into who we are and to find the love we had been searching for all along.

Jacqueline Simon Gunn - Where You Will Land

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

04.26.21.06 pm | a happy new day wishes - I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses. missing  you and no.1 virtually matter till we meet again - for us being in love.

On your pillow was a note that read:

“Everyday the mood gets jealous of the sun, but once the night comes you would never know a thing. Just like the sun gives it’s light to the moon, no matter what the day brings, every night you’ll know I’ll always love you.

awake with me tonight - we can feel each other. love you.

You - m i S S

#3549

to them - listen adequate music : c - d - s - k - k - a

post time : 00.07.21.06 am

VW - NS - us being in fervent love.

[nerdyskeleton]

wow i wonder who this anon is wow omg wooww so secret omg, wow. XD anyway if i pay you will you write simon taking a bullet for nahyuta because i have to see your words telling that story.

*looks into the camera like she’s on the office because she just wrote Simon Blackquill getting shot for the second time* link on ao3

under the cut for dramatic length

Knowing he and Apollo fought tofind the truth always fills Nahyuta with righteous satisfaction. They walk out ofthe courtrooms together, and he immediately focuses on Simon, who stands talland dark and foreboding by the red columns flanking the grand doorway ofTehm’pul Temple. Rayfa rudely cuts in front of her older brother to move closerto Apollo. Though Taka rests on Simon’s shoulder, and Nahyuta is still ratherterrified of the bird, he reaches to plant a kiss on his cheek.

“That was far too short, Sad Monk,”Simon scolds. “You blatantly missed three very effective arguments.”

Apollo blanches and sighs, “No way,Prosecutor Blackquill, that lasted long enough.” His bangs droop as he rubs atthe indents the beads left on his forehead.

Rayfa joins in next to say, “Yutybarely fought Apollo on my insights!”

“You always complain of having torefine them if we argue too much. Besides, you skipped back to your seat next to Simon, Rayfa; you couldn’t waitfor the séance to be over.” The monk sticks out his tongue in response to herown.

They spend some time bickering likechildren, with Apollo trying to calm things down every once and a while.Nahyuta looks over briefly to see Simon scratching at Taka’s neck, yet shepulls away from him and squawks quietly. He gives her a look, like he’sdisappointed in her behavior or embarrassed by her rejection. He hides thelittle smile on his face and turns back to the conversation at hand.

Taka suddenly screeches deafeninglyloud and pushes off of Simon’s shoulder. Simon flinches at her movement,probably because she dug her talons into his arm; Nahyuta jumps a little,because he expects her to attack him. But Taka flies high into the air andcircles their little group before going higher. She shrieks; Simon visiblytenses next to him. Nahyuta looks to the sky to find her swooping down towardsthe roof of the temple. Simon’s eyes are following her every movement, andNahyuta chooses to watch him, now.

And very abruptly, Simon Blackquillshoves Nahyuta as hard as he can. The bang of a gunshot ricochets across thetemple walls. Taka cries once more.

Once he recovers from being tossedto the side, Nahyuta grips at himself, expecting pain to blossom somewhere.When it doesn’t come to him, he turns to Apollo and Rayfa, who both appearunscathed. Apollo drags the young girl out of the open. Nahyuta looks next tohis terrible panda boyfriend who pushed him…out of the way.

His stomach twists like a wringedneck as he steps around to face Simon, who has yet to move since the boomingshot. He grows ill and cold at the sight of his labored, wheezing breaths, andhis skin is certainly paler than normal. Nahyuta hates that he knows how badthis is already. Simon’s eyes lose focus, and they don’t gain it back atNahyuta’s command of his name.

“Simon? Are you hurt?” It’s astupid question – he knows it.

He surely has a lovely, sarcasticresponse for Nahyuta, but instead, Simon opens his mouth and all that comes outis blood. He coughs more and more, some of it splattering Nahyuta, but he needsto catch the man, as he’s collapsing like a tidal wave. Hot crimson stains hisclothes as Simon moans and shudders against him. Then he is still.

Nahyuta can’t say anything. Hecan’t make a sound. Nothing that he could say or do now would fix what has justhappened. He just stands there while supporting Simon and tries not to noticehow limp he’s come, how much blood he’s already lost. Is Simon literally goingto die in his arms? He’s absolutely a deadweight; he’s held Simon before, buthe’s never been this weak and limpand bleeding out. Precious seconds are ticking by. Why is he just standinghere?

The only time Nahyuta makes a soundis when guards suddenly seize him, and paramedics appear behind Simon. Theywrench them apart. The medics have trouble accommodating all of Simon’s deadweight, and the sight horrifies Nahyuta.

He calls his name weakly whilebeing manhandled and literally dragged away back into the temple, so he is nolonger out in the open and in anymore danger. A pitiful cry escapes his throat,though no tears fall from his eyes, as he catches glimpse of the medicssurround Simon. He is led down to the dreary basement of the temple, and Rayfahas already been secured in the little room. A guard forces him into a ricketychair next to his sister, and then they take their own seat by the door. Rayfais obviously staring at him.

Hours pass, and Nahyuta fills thetime with worse and worse scenarios of what could be happening. Forty-fiveminutes in, the fact that Simon is most likely dead and cold forms, and try asNahyuta might to force it away, it doesn’t go away.

He wants to do something, but heknows there’s nothing he could actually do. He’s not a surgeon, and he can’tfix Simon’s very real problem with a sardonic comment and a threat ofbanishment. Eventually he begins to pace the cramped room, but after two hours,he’s practically worn a trail in the floor. The heavy door swings open, and aguard beckons them both out. Two flank Rayfa, and Nahyuta is practicallysurrounded by burly people. As selfish and terrible as a thought it is, hewould much prefer one of these noble people sacrifice themselves instead ofSimon.

It is dark by the time they getback to the palace. Apollo stands just inside the gates, and he looks beyondexhausted.

“You want to get out of thoseclothes, and then we’ll go to the hospital?” he asks his older brother. Nahyutadoesn’t understand for a minute, but it suddenly clicks that Simon coughed up(what felt like) massive amounts of blood on him. He fingers at the stains,knowing that sort of thing happens with an injured lung or stomach. He can onlypicture what happened on the temple steps before he was mercilessly pulled awayfrom his panda.

“Is he dead?” He just needs to knowthat.

“Still in surgery. They are prettytightlipped,” Apollo explains, “but I think if you show up, they’ll tell youeverything.”

He could still die.

He waits until Rayfa is gone withsome guards before addressing another one with, “What happened to the assassin?”

The guard looks a little uneasy.“He was…mutilated. By Prosecutor Blackquill’s hawk. Pretty much tore his faceclean off.”

“Where is Taka?”

“No one knows.”

“What!” Nahyuta grows angry, but heknows it’s about the wrong thing. “You’ll find that bird even if it takes alldamn night, do you understand?”

“I-I was going to take you and Mr.Justice to-”

“No. You will find that terriblebird and bring her to Simon’s room. He needs someone there for him. I don’tcare if the doctors deny her – tell them it was a direct order from me.” Heexhales. The guard skitters off but not before giving a look to Apollo. Herests a hand on Nahyuta’s shoulder.

“Do you want to go see Blackquill?Amara said she would take things over while you’re there with him, until hewakes up.”

“Did you alert Athena?”

Apollo is clearly taken aback. “Uh,yeah. I called her a few hours ago. She told me she was going to bullyEdgeworth into getting her a jet. She’ll be here in the next few days.”

“I’ll have a place ready for herhere, unless you wish for her to stay with you.”

“I guess it’s up to her…Nahyuta,are you okay?”

He looks at the annoying goldenbracelet on his wrist. “Has anyone contacted Aura? I will, if no one has yetdone so.”

“How about you hold off on thatuntil you have more to tell her than just ‘Your brother’s been mortallywounded,’ okay? Do you not want tosee him?”

“You said yourself he was stillbeing operated on. N-No point in wasting my time.” He can’t sit idle while themedical team works to save his life. The image of Simon practically vomitingblood keeps flooding his mind, and there has to be something that can get it tostop. He knows sleep won’t help, and he knows that sitting in an uncomfortablechair in a hospital will only force his imagination to run wild. Therefore, theonly thing to be done is every thing.

“Nahyuta!” Apollo looks furious andperplexed with his older brother.

“What, Apollo! I am doing whatneeds to be done. If you are finally finished asking me the same inane question,I will call Simon’s sister to tell her what has happened. Please inform mymother, if you happen to see her, that I will carry on my duties as normal.”

Nahyuta storms away. If he is topossibly live a life without Simon Blackquill, he might as well begin preparingfor it now. Besides, there is no doubt in his mind that Simon will have nothingto do with him after this ordeal. Nahyuta had been too care free thisafternoon, and he let his guard down. Simon, pragmatic and alert as always, wasthe only one to react. He will surely hate Nahyuta for his inobservance and forletting this happen to him. Athena will hate him, too. Aura already dislikeshim, but this will not improve her opinion of Nahyuta at all.

Nahyuta shuts himself into hischambers and gathers his work together. He has some cases to go through, aswell as ensure the guilty party from the trial earlier today is punishedappropriately. He has some waiting to do before he is able to call the prisonAura is held in. He forces himself to complete some work until the prison canaccept his call.

Nahyuta calls the warden and waitspatiently for the buffoon to connect Aura. The conversation goes about as wellas Apollo claimed it would, as Nahyuta merely informs her of what little factshe knows.

She curses him out for an obsceneamount of time before finally screaming, “If you let my little brother die, Iwill break every royal bone in your body.”

“The doctors are doing all thatthey can, Aura.”

“I’m never forgiving you for this,you stupid monk. How could you let this happen?”

“I wasn’t aware of the danger.Simon pushed me out of the way before I properly understood what washappening.”

“Yes, because you’re never aware ofwhat is going on around you. What else do you know about him? Is he awake?”

“I have yet to hear anything.”

“Well, go and listen forsomething! He’s going to call me the second he can, and he’s going to get hisass back here. I don’t want him going over to your shitty kingdom again.”

“Yes, I’ve had the same thought,Aura.”

“Don’t patronize me!” she screamsinto the receiver. “I meant what I said! I’ll kill you, Sahdmadhi.”

“Athena will be here in the countryshortly.”

“Oh? You going to have her killed,too?”

“Aura, please.”

She hangs up. He swallows, feelinguneasy that someone else shares his same thought process. Simon should not comeback here to Khura’in. It is obviously dangerous, and Nahyuta cannot take thatchance. So, if by some miracle, Simon still isn’t dead, he will not see him again.

He works through the day andignores all visitors, including Apollo, who just comes by to see if he canforce food into Nahyuta’s stomach. He refuses to eat, and he still isn’tsleeping. The monk only recently changed out of his clothes from that day.

Amara finally forces her way intohis room to tell him that Athena has just landed in the country. Thankfully,his mother refrains from comments on his appearance, as it is surely ragged andunkempt. As he glides through the palace halls, Nahyuta tries to get his flathair up into something manageable. He’s just managed to force it into a bunwhen the main entrance swings open, and Apollo and Athena timidly cross thethreshold.

Athena approaches them both. Shelets her bag slip over her shoulder as she throws both arms around Nahyuta’sneck. He accepts the hug and tries to offer words of comfort to her, but she’spulling away and insisting she be taken to her best friend immediately.

Nahyuta realizes he has no ideawhere Simon is being held in the hospital, so he sends Apollo a pleading lookto take them there. Guards, obviously, follow close behind. No one in thehospital questions the trio when Apollo brushes past the people at the entrance.They ride the elevator up a few floors, stopping off on the seventh floor.  

Nahyuta offers to take Athena’s bagand return it to her room at the palace, since she brought it along with herfor some reason. She tells him not to worry about it, and his heart sinks.

“Have you talked to him?” she asksNahyuta.

“He’s…been asleep every time I havecome by.” Unfortunately, both immediately detect his lie. Apollo rubs at hisbracelet, and Athena’s brows draw together at that statement. She must detect therelief in his heart at that statement. And also the fact that’s a blatant lie,since he hasn’t been by.

It’s obvious where Simon isresting, since there’s another damn guard outside the other rooms in the hall.He eyes Athena but steps aside immediately when he sees Nahyuta is accompanyingthem.

“You go in and see him, Athena,” hesays, tugging at the bag on her shoulder. “I’ll speak with someone aboutgetting rid of this for you.”

“Nahyuta, it’s really okay. Justcome inside and sit. If he’s not awake, I want to talk about what happened withyou.”

He inhales, and Athena’s pushingopen the gray door before he can truly prepare himself for what’s inside. Apollodrags him inside, as Athena’s preoccupied with plopping right down on the bedand squeezing at Simon’s hand.

He’s got an IV in the crook ofelbow, which surely provides a cocktail of pain medication and nourishment forhim. Tubes run in and out of him, with one thick one protruding from his mouth.Practically the only indication that he is alive is the incessant beeping ofthe heart monitor, because his chest barely rises and falls with his breathing.They have him propped up just slightly, but the pillows behind his back areslowly slipping downwards, and he absolutely cannot be comfortable like that. Nahyutadesperately wants to throw everyone from the room and wish away the pain or putit upon himself and gather all of Simon Blackquill into his arms and cradle himclose; he wants Simon back, and he wants him to be healthy and to live the lifehe deserves, which is far, far away from himself and brings no more pain orsacrifice.

Nahyuta has barely felt anythingthe past few days, but he suddenly has trouble holding back tears. Oh god, notnow. Apollo is watching him carefully as he backs away and eases himself intothe chair by the door. There’s an empty chair on the other side of the bed,which the monk absolutely refuses to sit in, despite Athena’s insistence.

Yet not wanting to be idle, hewanders over to the shut curtains and wrenches them open to get some sunlightin here. However, Taka is perched on the branches just outside the window, andshe screams and pecks at the window. Nahyuta shouts in surprise, takencompletely off guard in his overly exhausted state.

“Let her in!” Athena demands.

Apollo interjects, “I tried to lether in, but the hospital doesn’t want her here!”

Nahyuta no longer cares about thebird complaining at him through the window. He’s hyper focused on thefluttering of Simon’s eyelids and the quickening beeping of the monitor. Theymust have made too much noise for the poor man to sleep peacefully. Athenanotices it immediately, too, and she’s grasping his hand tightly. Nahyuta isglad that he’s standing so far away from the bed, since he knows without adoubt he would not be able to handle looking him directly in the eyes.

“Hey friend,” Athena whispers. “Youhave a giant tube sticking out of your mouth, so don’t try to talk, okay?”There’s a pause and then she asks, “How are you? Oh wait – never mind.”

Nahyuta turns away to give Taka hisbest apologetic smile, but she hates everything about him and is also a hawk,so it does not do too much. While he’s facing the other direction, he hearsAthena laugh; perhaps Simon rolled his eyes at her question.

“I’m glad you’re okay. At least,you look pretty good, all things considered. Apollo told me where the guy gotyou. That must have been terrible.”

Nahyuta can’t stand here and listento this. He tears open the window to let Taka swoop in, and then he’s movingquickly to get the hell out of there. Athena shouts his name, and Apollo evenstands up to bar him from leaving.

“Nahyuta! Where are you going?”

Apollo spins him to face the two.

“I have things to take care of.” Heensures that he looks directly at Athena. Slowly yet unexpectedly, Simon’sother hand reaches up to paw at the tube stuck in his throat. He tugs justslightly, but Athena scolds him and puts his hand in his lap.

“It sucks that you can’t talk, Iknow, but,” she says, yet Nahyuta does not hear the rest of it, because he isout the door and down the hallway before Apollo can snatch him.

A few hours later, Athena findshim. She is not happy with him. Apparently, Simon is not either.

“I can’t believe you’re being so selfishabout this, Nahyuta,” Athena says calmly, yet with a hint of very real anger inher voice. The little thing around her neck flashes red.

“Pardon me?”

She shuts the folder he’s beencompiling all evening and grounds out, “Simon’s seriously regretting this wholesaving your dumb life business.”

“Oh? He told you that?” he askedsarcastically.

“Yes, because he was so furious with you for running away earlierthat he wouldn’t stop pulling on that tube. The doctor had to come in and takeit out for him so he didn’t injure himself. Any more than he already has,thanks to you.”

Those words hit hard. He knows thatSimon’s just barely escaped death because of him, and it is one of the worstthoughts he’s ever had. It’s been many months since Nahyuta has felt thishelpless and powerless, but the feeling is disgustingly familiar, and it needsto go away before he breaks down.

“You blame yourself, don’t you?”she asks. Her voice is so much softer this time. “Simon thinks you do, atleast. He knows you really well, and I like to think I know you well enough atthis point.” She leans against the desk he is working at.

“Of course…not.” He’s never beenmore upset with himself. His actions lately have been childish and desperate,and he hopes things are not ruined between him and Simon. After running fromhim, he tried to think of anything, something that he could say to explainhimself and to tell Simon how sorry he is for letting this happen. No words inEnglish or Khura’inese were adequate enough.

Athena sighs. “Well, whether or notyou do, you need to speak with Simon.”

“Yes, I am well aware.”

“When are you doing to do it?”

“Whenever he’s awake. I can’t forcea conversation with him if he’s asleep, of course.”

“You saw how easy he woke up thisafternoon. Let’s go tomorrow, so that he can get some sleep and calm down fromhow angry he is with you. Work the rest of the night to distract yourself andcome up with a good enough apology for my best friend, while you’re at it. I’llcall Aura, too, since I heard from Apollo it went very badly for you.” Shepushes herself away and leaves the room without another word.

Still, words escape Nahyuta. Hedoes not sleep again for the third night in a row and has taken to simplyliving off of twenty minute naps whenever he cannot handle staying awakeanymore. It is difficult to describe his feelings and thought processes in thiswhole ordeal, especially when Nahyuta has trouble discerning where the thoughtscame from in the first place. How can he defend himself in front of hissacrificial prosecutor? If Simon is truly so angry with him, perhaps there isno use in arguing and explaining.

For once, Nahyuta is thankful forthe bureaucracy of his position, which requires him to be at the Dance ofDevotion in the morning with Rayfa. Though he spies Athena in the audience,looking sour. Taka rests on her shoulder. They must be keeping watchful eyes onhim to ensure that Nahyuta gets to that damn hospital room to see his damn Simon.

The ceremony is over shortly.Nahyuta often takes his time exiting the temple, but Athena has other planswhen she charges up to him and drags him through the crowds. The throngs ofpeople surely part for this angry red-head and her angrier looking hawk and notfor their king-regent. They enter the main doors of the hospital and are thisclose to making it into an elevator when obscenely pregnant woman stops them.She asks him to bless her with the strength of the Holy Mother.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Athena cuts in,“but Prosecutor Sahdmadhi has his own guests to attend to.”

As close as they are and as much asAthena enjoys teasing him, Nahyuta gives her a stern look and says, “I willjoin you upstairs shortly.” She is not pleased but goes anyway. This givesNahyuta just one last chance to appear collected and calm in front of Simon. Hecan gather his thoughts as he prays over this woman.

When that is done and he sends thewoman off to her infantile doom, an old man taps him on the shoulder andrequests the same thing for him. He is blessed, as well, and Nahyuta is able tomake his escape after. The ride up to the elevator is terrifying, and he feelslike the rest of the people can hear how fast his heart is beating inanticipation.

He finds the tiny room and reachesto knock, but he holds off. The door is shut, so this must mean that he andAthena are having an important conversation. He would not wish to disturb that.Until a nurse wanders up and does that for him.

“Prosecutor Sahdmadhi, sir!” sheshouts. “This is a surprise! We’ve been wondering when you were going to comeback. You left in rather a hurry yesterday.”

“Yes, I had other concerns toattend to.”

“Of course you did.” He cannot tellif she’s being serious or not. “You can go in there any time you like, sir. Hisfriend just went in to see him a few minutes ago.”

“Yes, I wonder if you might knockfor me? I don’t wish to disturb them if they are discussing something dire. Youknow.”

It’s a flimsy excuse, and he feelslike a coward, but he can’t face angry Simon Blackquill and Athena Cykes. Notlooking and feeling so weak and tired and afraid like this. It doesn’t look asif the nurse knows what he means with “you know,” but she does as she’s told.

She pokes her head into the roomand says in a saccharine tone, “There’s a royalvisitor out-”

“Nahyuta,” Simon barks. It makes both him and the nurse jump, so sheis scurrying away as fast as her legs can take her. Despite the angry tone, heis so glad to get to hear Simon’s voice again. Before the heavy door shuts,Nahyuta grips the handle and shuts himself inside the room. Athena is back inher spot on the bed, with Taka resting at the foot of the creaky mattress Simonhas been living on. The man himself sits mostly reclined still, but his eyesare more alert, and he has some semblance of color in his cheeks. Athena isstill clutching at his hand tightly, though his other one clearly works verywell when he points menacingly to the chair on the other side of the bed. Nahyutafollows the silent instruction and sits.

It is very quiet until Athena says,“I just told him how much Taka loves Her Mercifulness.”

“Yes, she is the second favorite toyou…Simon.” For some reason, saying his name is incredibly difficult. “Rayfaoften jokes Mother prefers Taka over me.”

“I do, as well.”

He swallows, familiar annoyanceblooming in his chest. So glad Simonis not holding his tongue back. Athena tries to hide her surprised laughter,but it’s hard for her. She does love making fun of them both.

When she recovers, she actuallystands and announces, “I’m going to get up and go for a run. Maybe call Aurawhile I’m out, too. I heard she reallyyelled at the sad monk, Simon.”

“I can imagine she did. He mostlikely deserved it, too.” She squeezes his hand one last time before leavingthe room. Simon adjusts himself and settles as comfortably as he is able intothe pillows. His eyes are shut, until they open a moment later and starestraight at Nahyuta.

“Hello,” Simon says.

“Good morning.”

“You’ve been selfishly absent as oflate, Sad Monk. Why is that?”

“I have been busy. I was not ableto halt everything so that I might sit by your bedside until you wake up. Andin any case, I have been taking time alone to reflect on what has happened.”

“Ah, yes, and what have you come upwith?” He lets a hand fall, palm faced upwards, so that Nahyuta might hold ontoit like Athena was. Nahyuta does not, though, and he sits back in hisuncomfortable chair.

“This is a dangerous kingdom, and Iam a powerful, important individual here. Perhaps it would be best if we removedthis danger from your life.”

The heart monitor speeds upfractionally, but Simon ignores it to say, “If I may repeat in simpler terms,Nahyuta?”

“Of course.”

“I take a bullet for you, and youare attempting to end our relationship in the first moments we have alonetogether?”

“It needs to be done quickly.”

“I argue it does not need to bedone at all.” The monitor beeps louder. “Is this truly what you want, Nahyuta?”

“You must be kept safe, Simon, andthat is not happening here.”

“Perhaps I will never return toKhura’in, then, and you will come to Los Angeles each time we wish to see eachother.”

“No, I want you to be safe,” herepeats, “and you cannot do that near me. I must be far away from you.”

“And what will happen when you, inthis outlandishly dangerous countryof yours, are struck and killed? You die, and I am left in a world without you?Which, to be entirely honest, must be much simpler and less stubborn.”

“Do not manipulate me so you comeout on top of this conversation, Simon Blackquill. I have made my decision.”

“Mine is of no importance?”

“Not when lives are on the line.Not when yours is, and I am able todo something to protect it. I spent so long powerless, with no ability to makemy own choices and save those who needed to be saved. I have this power, and Iwill exercise it.”

“Christ, not this again.”

Nahyuta rises from the chair, hisanger rising, too. “Simon,” he starts, but the man cuts him off.

“If this is your entire agenda forthe day, you may leave,” he grinds out. “I am exhausted and am in no mood todeal with your pretentious, delusional beliefs. Is this all you had to say tome?”

Of all the nerve! After hearing howfurious Simon supposedly was with him for running out yesterday, and this ishow Nahyuta is treated. His anger spikes, and he removes his prayer beads infrustration and fury. Simon laughs at that, giving him an infuriating and alltoo familiar smirk. He hates that look on his face, and he hates that Simon hasthe audacity to laugh at him like this.

“I promised there would be no moredeaths at my hands, Simon. Your death will not be one of them!” Simon is notsmiling anymore. “I have too many deaths weighing on my shoulders, and I willbe unable to carry yours as well! I know I could not live the rest of my lifeknowing you were dead because of me. Ican barely stomach the hundreds of others whose deaths I have already caused.”

He throws the beads at Simon, whichis probably not the best idea, considering his rather fragile state. Theythankfully pelt him in the chest, where he is unharmed.

“You speak to me now as if I amsome goddamn moron, but you were the one who made yourself a sullen target inmy place! What is more reckless and ill thought out?”

“I know there was no thought putinto it, Nahyuta. I jumped quickly to save you.”

“At your own expense, Simon! God,do you have no ingrained need for self-preservation?”

“Do you recall when I went to prisonfor seven years for Athena?”

“This is entirely different.”

“Oh, is it? You just spoke of yoursacrifices, so am I not to ignore my own? You act surprised that I have donethis for you, meaning you have completely forgotten about the things I did forAthena.”

“That circumstance is different,Simon, dammit!”

“How?”

“It is! It is!” Nahyuta is losingcontrol, and he will snap any moment now. “She was not aware what you weredoing for her. I have been too fully aware of the sacrifices you have made forme that have landed you where are you.”

“Nahyuta,” Simon snaps, “explain tome how you have any right to be angry with me for letting you live.”

“You’re not understanding what I’msaying,” Nahyuta answers unhelpfully, feeling a hysterical laugh form in histhroat. “I cannot talk to you right now.” He snatches his rosary up and turnsto leave, but Simon shouts his name. The monk turns to him, exasperated and onthe verge of tears, though the feelings disappear as he watches Simon struggleto sit up. His mouth opens in a silent grunt of pain, so he falls back heavilyagainst the pillows.

This does it for Nahyuta, whopractically stumbles over his own feet to push him deeper in the pillows. Theystare at each other for a moment, and Nahyuta knows his eyes are watering as helooks at Simon so up close and personal for the first time in days. He recallsthe dead look in his eyes when he collapsed into his arms.

“If you’re going to cry, then cry.”

In a flat second, Nahyuta setshimself down on the bed and lets himself sob. In between heaving breaths, hesays, “You can’t be hurt because of me, god, Simon, I can’t let it happen.”

Simon sighs and reaches to pullaway Nahyuta’s hands from his face. He tugs harder on the hands and getsNahyuta to move forward just slightly, so that Simon wraps him in a hug. If ithurts him, he makes no indication of this. Nahyuta is not sure how long theystay like this, but it has to be for quite a long while. When he pulls away,Simon whispers, “God, you’re an ugly crier.”

“I know,” he wheezes.

“Do you feel better?”

“I want you to come back to Khura’inafter this,” Nahyuta blurts out.

“I know – there was never adifferent plan. I was never going to listen to that nonsense, Nahyuta.” Hebrushes his bangs away. “And I cannot make guarantees that I will remainunscathed, just as you cannot make the same promise to me, despite how much Iwould wish you to. Nahyuta,” he states, “I would face this pain ten times overagain if it meant you were unharmed.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I would. And I can’t have youdoubting our love and loyalty for each other when I say this.”

“I never doubted it; I don’t doubt it, currently.” He rubs athis wet eyes. “I hate that I caused you pain.”

“Have I ever told you how trulypainful and hellish being in love with you really is?” Nahyuta bursts out laughing,not expecting the comment. Simon continues, “Yet if I did not think yourstubborn, terrible self and the agony that you bring upon me is not worth this,I would be gone already.”

“I know.”

Simon smiles. “Are you over thisridiculousness now, Nahyuta? Or would you like me stabbed, so you can delivermore bad news?”

“The pain you bring upon me might not be worth it,” he snaps, yet he isunable to keep from smiling softly. Simon does not answer that comment, and heinstead wordlessly gets Nahyuta to lay next to him. His inked hand strokesthrough Simon’s tangled hair, soothingly and gently.

“Will you tell me in detail howpoorly your conversation with my elder sister went?”

“Just so you may laugh at me?”

“Yes.” Simon laughs.

Nahyuta sighs, but he’s never lovedthat laugh more.