#and if that makes me sb that does nth all day so be it

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

If anyone wants a good depiction of what depression does to your head and their own experience isn't enough for them, picture this:

My mom mentioned she heard of a job at a Dinosaur exhibition building, whatever those are called and you are supposed to recite 10 lines to everyone coming in. They are currently looking for someone who also speaks German cause many German tourists visit it and so far they had only English speakers, so she was basically saying that to my sister. I didn't hear what the job was, at first, but the idea of working at such place sounded fun so I joked like "Can I go?" and my mother instantly went "Do you want to? *^*" and I was like naah, I'm just playing and then both of them starting saying how easy it is and that I could memorize 10 German sentences for the job I don't need to speak the language etc. And I was like yeah so I wake up every morning, take the bus, go to work, recite 10 sentences per person and come back home. Fun. And if some German tourist wishes to ask me sth as they get in I answer "I'm sorry I don't really speak the language that was rehearsed.". And they said that's 1200 euros a month and that they'd both go and then my sister says well if I was as pressed to leave this place as you always say you are, I'd do anything thrown at me, but if one wants to find an excuse for everything they will find an excuse for everything. After that, let me tell you, I didn't want to go work there even to try, out of spite.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

I finally found what Gackt did that pissed people off so bad again. You do realize that Malice Mizer weren’t angels either right? And I am a fan of both sides here. I just find it a little weird how only Gackt gets hate about “the incident“. In fact I would prefer if no side did get hate but yeah. In the past it was both sides. We had Mana haters and Gackt haters, each side fighting about who is more at fault for the end of the band. And while everyone argued, I was just sitting here watching 2 grown ass guys acting like children and blaming each other about who’s at fault. And Gackt kept changing his story which put him at the place it did, whereas Mana remained consistent with his answer. At the end of the day, though, we will never know what actually went down so I decided not to pick a side, long ago. Both Mana and Gackt have huge egos so it could as well be the biggest artistic differences musical breakup in visual kei that they both dragged on and on for many years. Mana tried to end it, during the 25th anniversary, and I give him that, I was happy to hear he tried to reach him, as well as Klaha, but Gackt would never go back there. Whatever happened is sth he won’t forgive or step on his ego to go back to, but hey, at least one side finally matured. Like let’s put it all behind and have fun. On the other hand, Gackt could have thought Mana wants him back for the 25th anniversary just for the hype and publicity. Which could also be true. (Imagine every single member of Malice Mizer performing on a big stage after so long like nth happened? After all this time and all this bitterness? It would become history, people. In the visual kei scene I mean) But we will never know. You can’t tell Mana’s intentions were good just because “he tried“. Maybe he meant it, I really really wish he did, but he had his share of negative reputation in the past too, not as much as Gackt of course, but still, that makes me second-think everything he does too.

You can see from Gackt’s answers that he is bitter about the rest of Malice Mizer, yes, so he will keep on badmouthing them no matter what you say. Put yourselves in his place, though. If sb had really done sth to you, sth that upset you, and people kept asking you about that person all the time, wouldn’t you be dismissive of them? I am not saying being petty, cause some of us can ignore and move on, but some people do get angry and petty about it (if you believe in astrology, I should add Gackt’s Mars is in Aries so *shrugs*). What I am trying to say is that maybe you should hate him for things that make sense. Like disrespecting Kami, who he claimed he was close to, all this time. Not about badmouthing Malice Mizer. Anyone would do that when, even after 10 years of being done with a bunch of people, others keep asking you about it. He is straightforward he is not going to sugarcoat his feelings. In fact, he is more likely to add juices to the story, based off his emotions (aka why he keeps changing the reason he left the band) than sugarcoat. Mana is more reserved so even if he did feel the same way, he wouldn’t go all out everytime he was asked, which instantly makes him the bigger and more mature person (on the outside at least, cause again we never know).

I could write an essay on these two really xD, but it’s really amazing to me, how long both them and us, the fandom, has been dragging this around xD. I am more concerned about Klaha’s well being and why he suddenly disappeared without any notice than one of the members’ badmouthing the rest, who he felt hurt him and could as well be jealous of, sometimes. Like you people have never badmouthed people you were angry at, before, or, when other people brought up the names of those people, grimace, and all.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

You know I really appreciate and admire those of you in here who, despite their difficulties, insist on living mostly in their own world and hold tight not only to their friends in their immediate environment but also their online friends. While I always found more understanding in people who lived miles away from me, they always left. And by left I don’t necessarily mean that they stopped talking to me. Maybe they finally got their life working for them and they thought this mattered more than me. It might sound selfish of me to say but, think about this. In a real life scenario, away from pcs, say you have 1 friend only and you just can’t find a job, sb to marry, you are not popular, etc etc. This person is the only person who understands you and they are with you, because you are you. And you are grateful to have someone to have some fun time with and someone to rely on. You could swear you love this person and they make you forget how shitty life can be. Now, say sth in your life turns around. You finally get a job, find someone to fall in love with and you start becoming popular with more people. Will you leave that one friend behind because you changed? Because you are more able to fit in, now? I don’t think so. So, if you wouldn’t give up on that friend, why would you give up on your online friend? Why does changing your life living inside or mostly isolated equals that online friends never mattered in the first place. You will definitely be more busy and tired now so, I am not saying you should be online 24/7 and talking with that friend, you wouldn’t talk on the phone with a friend living close to you, all day either. I am just saying...if you feel like checking out the friends close to you because you can also hang out and all, you should check out and try to hang out with those online too. And usually those online only ask for chats or games. They don’t require as much as people close to you to say they are wasting your time, so why? By the way I am not talking about people you casually chat with online. Cause you might be talking with 1000 people online and consider only 1 of them a close friend. I am talking about people you did feel sth about and you know they did the same.

Now about that, when it comes to me, it is hard to tell, so if I feel sth about a person and want to be real friends with them, not just chatmates/penfriends, we do have that talk at least once. Sometimes, people are just nice with you or enjoy your company, but don’t feel the connection you do (and that’s totally ok, you can talk with people just so that you both have some fun), so, I like clearing things up, but most people don’t, so, I had several people get disappointed when I didn’t feel the same back and they thought I did. If you feel like you want to stay by my side and often remind it to me but I don’t say “same“, it means I don’t feel it. I might feel it in the future but I don’t like saying that to people. I don’t like giving people false hopes when I, myself, don’t know if I will feel sth for them. So if you are still fine with that, it’s on you. You can’t blame the other person for not feeling or not giving back when they never said they felt like doing so, in the first place. And this goes the other way around too. I had people I felt some connection to and they didn’t, and I was fine with that when they told me, but in most cases, when I asked to know how they felt, they kept telling me they did feel things (probably because they didn’t want to hurt me). That’s why I state from the beginning, “BE HONEST WITH ME“. It hurts way less knowing from the beginning you don’t feel the connection and that we are just chatting for fun, than me finding out when you get bored of that fun chat, you know? Don’t let people develop feelings for you if you don’t have some for them too. Let them know how you feel and ONLY if they say they don’t mind your not feeling back, let them do it (if they are not being intrusive and you don’t feel bothered of course) and I will talk about why I say that, a few lines later. Personally, if you ask me straight up, I will answer. I will tell you if I feel you like a close friend, or I just enjoy spending time with you. I open up to pretty much everyone, I have nth to hide, but that doesn’t mean we are close friends, so people might get the wrong idea. I am also the kind of person who, even when another person doesn’t feel connection, but has no problem with me being around them, I will be very giving. (that’s why I said if you are ok with people still wanting to give things to you, after that, let them) That is not veeery healthy, because you know they will never give back, but I do enjoy giving, nonetheless, cause I like giving to people I love. It makes me happy and it could make my day. Again, only if the other person doesn’t mind it, of course, I am not going to keep forcing my love and care on someone who finds it annoying. If they feel guilty at some point, I let them know that it is a choice of mine and they shouldn’t be feeling bad if they feel nth back. Something like “Take it as an extra aid in case of need. No need to do sth back for me, or even spend time with me, but if you ever feel you need my help, please ask because you mean so much to me and you will definitely get it”. This is a rare case of course, it’s really hard for me to do that for anyone, because I am too insecure and giving much without getting anything in return takes me to dark places easily and I just leave.

But yeah, this has been bothering me today, I woke up in tears after a dream a bit related to this so...yeah. I felt like ranting. ^^ Generally just don’t let people think they matter to you and then throw them away, whether distant or immediate environment friends (or lovers). And if you happen to change your mind and feel entitled to move on, at least tell them! Tell them you’d like to finish that and don’t ghost them. Part ways in a friendly way. In a human way, if you will. Unless they are creepy. If they are creepy, maybe you should ghost them to avoid issues. ^^’

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Gonna talk about personal here regarding having sex. And etc.

I never had any romantic relationship, but had one experience (like sexting?) when I was teen to someone two years older (we've been pals for years and never do it physically). It was a thrill and I don't think I want to do it IRL, because part of me assumed it as traumatic experience, and I always afraid to look for romantic partner / starting a family of my own.

Aside sexual thing, like basically everything could ruin your marriage. I don't want it. But I'm touchstarving fellow who's weakness is keeping good relation to anyone.

I'm super envy when people goes saying how they love their partner. I want to be / have one, but I'm a coward and couldn't praise anything.

I want to take care of people, but to imagine people does it to me? Give me a break.

First off, I’d like to say I was going to answer privately to that, based on the subject, but, since it’s on anon, I am really sorry I have to post the reply like that. This is something I consider personal, therefore easier for both the person sending and myself to be open to such a conversation without fear who’s watching, judging etc. To your message, now, I too have never been into a romantic relationship before due to various reasons, some of which are based on a couple of same fears you’re describing here so, I totally understand what you mean and it’s super valid to feel that way. People keep mentioning only people who feel better not being in a relationship, or being in one and not having sex, when it comes to that subject, but not much for people like you or me, who do want the relationship part but can’t imagine themselves succeeding in keeping it strong, loving, passionate, or sth else, or even all of the above. People who’ve suffered abuse are also mentioned in such conversations, people who’ve been traumatized to try and then wish for their partners to have patience with them, as not everyone who’s been through sth like that can just “get over it“ or heal by themselves before trying a relationship with someone who shows them they deserve to be loved, or to not be afraid of abuse cause not everyone is abusive, or anything else their trauma has created in their mind and body to feel that fear. The thing is, whether it’s talked about or not, there are various reasons for people not to "feel ”able to get into a relationships or sexual contact with someone, and I use the word “feel“ loosely, because I personally think everyone is able to get into a relationship if they really want it, but fear or trauma or sth else holds them back. I am not talking about those who really don’t want it, here. Relationships are not something everyone wants and that’s okay, so anyone not into relationships here please don’t bite, that’s not what I meant.

I generalize a lot, though. To be more specific: In my opinion (which could be super wrong so please don’t take this as a fact or judgement) if part of you thinks that was a traumatizing experience for you, it is. I have experienced this myself and known people who’ve been through this before. I mean having been through something many people have and find normal, yet when you went through it, it felt scarring or even traumatic. When you go through such a feeling for something considered “normal“ you often end up thinking that maybe you are exaggerating, or that you are being oversensitive, but let me tell you what, not all people have the same limits and sensitivities. If some people are fine doing sth like that, good for them, but it’s not the same for everyone so, if you feel that hurt you, it probably did, so I think you should start from there when you think “when did i start feeling scared of getting into a relationship.“. Like you said though, there is more to that than that experience and like I said, several of these things I have felt too for my own reasons. I suck at keeping friends for a long time so i also understand your feeling unable to keep good relationships with anyone. I’ve only now started to get some balance, the last two-three years and honestly I don’t trust myself that I will manage to keep doing that. I think about it at least once a week. When I am down, it gets worse, I often find myself thinking who I should speak to and how that would affect my relationship with them because I am tired of losing friends. As for partners I have never tried but I’ve also come across people who never managed to keep friends, but have found excellent partners, so I no longer think that your ability to keep your friendships going has anything to do with your ability to keep a romantic partner or have a family. Just bringing that last one up as an example and personal observation.

I feel touchstarved a lot too, sometimes, but due to the fact I’ve also grown to dislike being touched without permission, it doesn’t bother me as much as not having someone to hold, myself. It’s like you want to give a hug but not receive it? xD Sth like that. I want to give a lot, but not necessarily receive as I too can’t imagine someone taking care of me, both due to seeing the kind of love most people enjoy (which is unfortunately not my type, but luckily that equals to me not being jealous of anyone unless I see the kind of love I am looking for, which is rare) and also because I don’t feel I deserve it. So envy is super rare for me but I do get that with all of the social media image, most people like me or like you would feel that way. If it helps in any way, try to think that those posting their love life a lot might not be showing you the bad or even real moments of their relationship. I am not saying that everyone who posts about their love all the time are fake, some people can’t stop talking about their partner when in love (been there, just with my feelings not returned), but a big percentage of them are so tell yourself that when you are feeling jealous and specify the kind of love you want and if you’d really like to have that kind of love or just love in general. It won’t solve anything but it might make you feel better.

Anyway, I am sorry I shared some advice too, I am sure you only wished to share your feelings and you already know the things I said, I didn’t say anything revolutionary anyway but please don’t give up. If it makes you feel better, start with friendships. Find people you got as many things as possible in common and try to get involved. As for partners, I don’t know what to say because I gave up on the idea long ago, but I really believe you can find someone, if that is something you want. Will it heal your fear your marriage could go to waste every single moment? No. I have the same fear, I don’t think it ever goes away. But you can always discuss it with your partner when it shows up. Now, if you are a person who dates men, it might get harder to discuss this frequently as I have noticed men find it a bit annoying when you constantly want to discuss your relationship, but if you’re into girls, I think it’s easier. Even if you don’t put yourself in a box and don’t mind such a thing, I consider women and nonbinary people more likely to discuss this often, than men, I don’t know. I guess I have lost faith in men way too much. ^^’> Again, if you wish to give up on the idea, do it, but envy is there for a reason, so I’d suggest you kept trying to find sb you like and if you do, try to be friends with them at first. You might get friendzoned yes, but in my opinion, the percentage of the possibility to be friendzoned is almost the same as that you’d get rejected at the first or one of the first dates with someone. Get to know the person you like, give yourself space to feel comfortable with them and if it is to happen it will happen. If it happens then instead of focusing on the ways everything can ruin it, focus on the ways you can save it. :) Think to yourself “what does my partner like“ and then which of those things are fine for you to do or try to show them your love. If they still leave despite your being giving, understanding etc, then they just weren’t for you. It’s not always your fault. People can be cruel. And those of them who are broken might give up on something they needed because they didn’t think they deserve it, which is why I said focus on the ways you could save it. You don’t have to force yourself though. That’s a big no. You can choose to heal inside a relationship or before getting into one. You could address to a psychologist to learn to control your fear, as well, I personally refuse to do that, but not everyone is me, so you can do as you please.

Either way, I really hope this eventually works out for you and you can always get into a relationship without expecting anything, that way you can get less hurt if it turns sours, but it can be so rewarding when you eventually realize someone is actually giving back. ^^ Give it a chance only when you are sure you can trust a person at least at 10%. Your fears won’t allow you trust them completely and your self-sabotage might get in the way so try that, if you really want to be with someone one day. Get to know them, try to see if you’d trust them and then try to make a move oooor discuss it with them, what kind of person you are looking for I mean. They might like you back if they realize what you are looking for is “similar“ to them. :3 Best of luck to you, dear. As hard as life may be and as hard as it might have hit you, don’t let it win. It’s your life, goddammit, if you want sth go after it even if you’re afraid. Courage has nth to do with being free of fear, it is being able to tell your fears you’re doing this even if you’re shaking. If it is what you want (getting in a romantic and loving relationship), then no one, not your fears, nor social media, nor society, not even God, themselves, if they exist, can tell you you cannot have it.