#and if i ate correctly i just know my ass would get fat i am the only thing holding myself back from looking like a centaur

[ashmp3]

Trying to find some new recipes for breakfast and its either eggs or oatmeal who do i look like be real with me. What are your favorite breakfasts please share i am getting sick of mine (maybe bc i eat too much tuna. i am literally on a verge of a mercury poisoning)

[bi-writes]

ghost doesn't think he hears you correctly, not at first. there's a ringing that's still in his ears from the bullet he nearly ate earlier. (cw: dubcon, 18+)

"wot?"

"can you please please please--pretend to be my boyfriend--just for one minute--!"

"heyyy, sunshine," a nasty little voice sings. you spin around, cowering by the bar, just as someone a little too drunk and a little too big comes into your space. you scoot away from him, but he's coming closer, leaning over you, and ghost tilts his head to the side as he watches the way you flinch at the stink of his breath.

ghost fits into the space at your back quite easily. your back arches a little as his big hand finds the bend of your waist, and you squeak a little when he forces you back, pressing your ass against his pelvis as he tucks you into his shadow.

"who's this fuckin' nitwit?" ghost mutters, clicking his tongue under his mask. you swallow, blinking up at the man, shrugging as you try and press yourself a little closer against his heat.

"i-i dunno," you whisper, and it's shaky, afraid. "h-he won't stop...following me."

"tha' right?" ghost hums, and you're so afraid of the man in front of you that you don't really register the way ghost's big hand is slipping lower, over the curve of your denim jeans and squeezing the fat of your ass that fills the palm of his hand all too nicely. "ya botherin' 'er?"

the man swallows a little, hiccuping. he stands up straighter, a little more sober, and he just shrugs as he takes another swig of his beer.

"just...she's so pretty, ya know--agh!"

ghost reaches over and grips him by the fat of his neck. he squeezes hard, drawing him closer, would be spitting in his face if he wasn't wearing the balaclava over his head.

"'f i see ya around 'er again, i'll paint the fuckin' walls with y'r teeth, mate, yeah? now get outta my fuckin' sight before i do it just for fun."

when ghost lets him go, he struggles to breathe, holding onto the bar and coughing as he scrambles to put distance between you. you shake a little, turning towards the bar, picking up what you assume is his drink and sipping it slowly to try and calm the nerves. you close your eyes gently, shaking your head.

"thank you," you say softly. "i-i couldn't shake him off, he was following me everywhere, i..." you turn your head and meet his eyes, smiling up at him. "that was really nice of you. i'm...sorry if i caused you any trouble."

ghost tilts his head to the side, fitting himself back behind you. he reaches over, putting both arms on either side of you and leaning over one shoulder, breathing hot against your neck.

"wot you mean?" he murmurs, and you blink, not understanding.

"for pretending to..." you laugh a little, looking into his eyes. "just...it was nice of you to do that. to pretend like that, i--"

"dunno wot y'r talkin' about," ghost chuckles, and you seize when he reaches down between you, cupping you between the legs as he palms at your pussy over your jeans. you keen a little, leaning into his touch, nasty brute pressing two fingers against where you're most sensitive and forcing your ass back against him, where he's hard, chubbed up since he first saw you, leaking into his cargos.

"i-i--" your eyes are wide, but you don't pull away, don't push him back--why am i not running? why can't i leave? what's happening to me--

"i wasn't pretending. were you?"

[futurewriter2000]

Hearless - pt. 11

A/N: I know I’m late to post this but I’ve been so exhausted from my morning shifts. I genuenly hate morning shifts because I am not a morning person and days pass so quickly. One minute I’m asleep, the next I’m awake at work. Anyways, this is a bit “normal” part- it’s like an intro to a good ass part. Hope you like it. 

*Legilimency is the act of magically navigating through the many layers of a person's mind and correctly interpreting one's findings. A person who practises this art is known as a Legilimens. *

XX

You couldn’t decide which shirt to put on for breakfast. If you came down in a T-shirt, then they will ask questions but wearing a sweater in summer isn’t the brightest cover up to come up with. 

“I can just say I’m cold... or something...” you mumbled to yourself as you tugged the sleeves down your hands and bit your lower lip. 

‘I just won’t tell them.’ you told yourself. ‘Just remember what he said to you. Mum and dad already know, so they won’t be a problem but James? He can be such a prick when it comes to my private things.’

---

You walked down the stairs and found Sirius chewing his sandwich toast as he kept reading on the newspapers. “Morning.” he said as he chewed, keeping his eyes on the paper. 

“Morning, Sirius.” you smiled, walking into the kitchen and grabbing yourself a cup to make some coffee. 

It was a simple process every morning; boil water, add sugar, add coffee, pour into the cup, add milk. - And when you have done all of those things, you smiled to yourself at the scent of the wonderful home-made coffee and sat behind the table.

You looked up and saw him staring with one of his eyebrows quirked up. “What?”

“Are you in a sweater?” 

“And here comes yet another marvelous observation, Sherlock Holmes.” you leaned forward, teasing as he rolled back his eyes far back to his head. “Oh yummy.” you reached for his other half of sandwich as he slapped your hand away.

“AH-OI!” he looked at you, all considering serious. “Excuse me, get your own sandwich, lady.”

“Lady?” you scoffed with a laugh. “You owe me, prick. You ate my donuts last time!” you reached again but he took a hold of your wrist and narrowed his eyes at you. “You. Owe. Me.” you narrowed your eyes as well, challenging him into a silent battle of the glares. 

He looked away and let go off your wrist. “Fine.” he threw your wrist away and you gave him a triumphant smirk as your hand reached for the sandwich. “I would have given it to you if you asked nicely, though.” he shrugged, taking another bite.

“Since when do we do nice, Sirius?” you smiled, taking in the bit as he laughed.

“That is awfully sad but true.” he said, letting his smile fade as he swallowed the last peace of food in his mouth. He brushed off his palms and leaned back- then back forward to lean on his elbows as he fumbled with his thumbs. He looked at you.... concern this time. “You should have used my sweater to hide the scars, (y/n). The one I gave you that night with the frog sock. It’s nicely thin, breathable for your skin.” he stood up and grabbed his plate to the sink, grabbing a sponge and opening the water. 

You sat there, stopped to chew and continue to eat. That last bite was hard to swallow when somebody like Sirius told you something like this. You turned your head over your shoulder and looked at him with wide eyes, almost wanting to scream what had happened to you. 

Odd.. this feeling of wanting to confide into somebody about all the things you told yourself you would never in life confide to anybody. 

You stood up and grabbed your coffee mug to the sink, leaning on the counter next to him. 

He stopped washing the dishes, his heartbeat raising as he slowly looked up at you. You crossed your arms over your chest and let your hand travel to his cheek. Your thumb brushed across his cheek as his eyes sent you a flash of desire. 

He blinked a few times, to bring himself back from your touch, shaking his head and scrubbing the plate. “Uh... your boyfriend came over a few nights ago. He gave James a letter to give it to you.” 

You let your hand fall back to your chest, hugging your arms. “Yeah.” you smiled, walking back to the table. “I got it.” you pulled your heels on the edge of your chair and hugged them both. “He was going back to France. Said he would be back after graduation- the last summer before he packs up his things and moves there.” you trailed off, staring at the morning sun. 

“Moves there?” Sirius came back to the table, wiping off his hands with his cloth. 

“Yeah. He decided to live in France, since he was in school most of his life.”

“And you?” he asked, leaning on the chair and staring  at you with intense blazing eyes. 

“What about me?” you gave him a soft smile.

“Will you move in with him?” 

“No.” you laughed. “He wanted me to but I told him we already broke up, so it was useless going back together and moving across the world to France. I don’t even know the language, though I do know some words.” you let out a soft giggle that made Sirius stiffen up. 

He shook himself off jealousy. “You two broke up?” he sat back down. 

“Yeah. That “first date”- was me telling him we kissed and he was so pissed at me from cheating on him that he broke up with me before storming away.” 

“Why would you tell him?” 

You shot your head to him in wonder. “Why wouldn’t I?” 

“I mean, the two of you would still be together. I wouldn’t tell.”

“I didn’t want to be together with somebody when I kissed you, Sirius.” you furrowed your eyebrows at him as he continued to stare with no expression. “Relationship is about trust and loyalty... and truth. I told him because he deserved to know.”

“But it was just a kiss.” 

You let out a soft laugh, standing up and walking to the sink. You grabbed a glass from the cabinet and turned on the pipe. “It wasn’t just a kiss to me.” you mumbled, knowing fair well he had heard you clearer than ever. 

Your whole chest was burning from the fire your heart caused. It was painfully quiet and it was that same pain that made your eyes focus on the cold water flowing from the pipe.

“I’M COMING IN SO IF YOU TWO ARE SNOGGING PLEASE STOP!” James shouted as he covered his eyes with his hands and walked blindly into the kitchen and peeping through his fingers to see if it was safely innocent for his eyes. “Oh, thank God. Morning.”

“Really, James.” you smiled, walking past him to sit back to the table. 

“Might as well make the two of you suffer for that.” he grabbed himself a cup and a teapot, bringing it to the table. “Why are you wearing a sweater? It’s boiling here.”

“Cuz I enjoy sweaters. It’s Britain, James. It’ll get cold sooner or later.” you hugged yourself and continued to watch him sit down and take a sip of his tea. “Plus, mum and dad went on some errands. Said they’d be back soon.” 

“Yeah, I know. Dad left me a note on the desk- oh that reminds me.” he turned to Sirius. “He also said we’d have to go get something into town tonight before five. Said it’s urgent and well, who else to trust with urgent things then his eldest son.” James puffed out his chest and winked. 

“Pompous brother?” you rolled your eyes as he continued to play his child-like smile on his lips.

“That I am not afraid to admit.”

“Good thing-”

“Blimey!” your father apparated into the room with a few bags in his hands and looked up at his three children.”Morning, you three.” he said as he trotted to the kitchen and placed down some of the bags. “Your dear old mother will never let me come home in less than two bags.” he started to unpack the groceries.

“Hey dad, you’re early.” you said as your father looked over his shoulder and smiled at you.

“I know. Got things done earlier. Your mother, however, ran into that- what’s her name again- Mina?” 

“Nina?”

“Yes, her. Her mother and obviously they hopped their way into the tea land.”

“I bet they’re talking about sexy men from Cuba.” James started to tease, making both of you and Sirius laugh. “Nina’s mum is probably telling mum about the man who would be perfect for her.”

“Oh, James, my dear boy.” he walked back to him, tapping his shoulder. “If you ever want that new broom of yours, you’ll be smart enough to shut your mouth.” 

“Gee dad. It’s only jokes.” James lifted his hands in defeat and sent Sirius a wink. 

“This is for you, deary. Just like you said.” your father trotted to you and placed down two large books. “These two were the most recommended.”

“Thanks dad, you took the books and opened the first one.”

Sirius and James exchanged glances, both furrowing their eyebrows like two identical set of twins. “What is this?”

“Books.”

“Bravo, Sherlock.”  Sirius looked at you, giving you an amusing smile before you sent him a smile of your own. He reached for one book in your hands and tore it away as James grabbed the second one and started flipping through it. 

“Legilimency”” Sirius felt more confused then ever.

“Dreams interpretation?”  James was right behind him.

“Haven’t you told them yet?” your father said from the kitchen.

“Told us what?” James asked.

“I had the weirdest dreams last night.” you rubbed your eyes and looked at both of them. “Like there was Remus in them-”

“Oh, Pads, watch out-” James started to tease meanwhile both you and Sirius rolled your eyes in sync.

“Shut up, James.” you cut in. “It was so odd though- like I was a deer and I had a mouse on my head- like a massive fat mouse.” you started to show with your hands the size of your hands as Sirius and James started to process your words, growing more nervous than ever. “And then there was a big black dog in front of me- really ugly looking.”

“Excuse me?!” Sirius exclaimed, widening his eyes before feeling a slap of James’ hand on top of his mouth. He sent James a glare and James gave him back an apologetic look. 

You drew your eyebrows together and gave them a suspicious look. They were acting odder than usual. “Anyhow...” you trailed off, trying to go back to your dreams. “That dog turned into you-” you gestured to Sirius, giving him a teasing smile. “Which explains the ugliness.”

“And then I’m the rude one- really James? You call me the rudest out of here?” Sirius gave James another glare as James laughed nervously. 

“And you looked at me and said if we throw Worm into the lake and let him change in mid air so he can do a canon ball... or something???” you laughed, burying your head into your palms and looking back up at their crooked smiles. 

“Hahahaha!” James forced a laugh. “Worm... Why would- why would- uh, we- uh call a rat worm? Hahahha!” 

“I think... she said mouse, James.” Sirius corrected him.

“MOUSE! Yeah... mouse... that. Not rat... mouse on a stag...”

“I said deer.”

“Well they’re both the same thing..” James started to get a bit offended. 

“Then if I would be a deer, I’d be a doe, not a stag.”

James pursed his lips together and breathed hard through the nose. “Alright... doe then. It still doesn’t explain the books.”

“Doesn’t it though?” you stood up to get the books from both of their grasp, which was lot easier despite they were...well, James and Sirius.  “I’m looking for a meaning.”

“The dog might be an omen?” your father sat beside you, wiping his hands with a cloth. “Like a ghost, perhaps. I mean, don’t you call Sirius Padfoot, James?” he looked at James as James and Sirius looked at each other with wide eyes. “ In Lancashire they call the black dog many things. From Grim to Padfoot and since Sirius was the one who turned into-”

“WOW DAD!” James boomed throughout the room, clapping his hands and standing up. “That’s a great history lecture but me and Paddy here will go to get ourselves ready for that...uh.... urgent thing you gave us.” he sent both of you finger guns and pulled Sirius to his feet. “Let’s go... Sirius.” he pushed him forward, out of the room, up the stairs and into their room. He locked the door behind him.

James turned to Sirius, who was running his hands through his hair nervously. James waved his hands at him, as if he was screaming at Sirius but in reality only came out in loud whispers. “HOW DOES SHE-”

“DID YOU TELL HER?”

“OF COURSE I DID NOT TELL HER! DID YOU TELL HER?!”

“NO I DID NOT TELL HER!”

“You sure?!”

“Why would I tell her!?!”

“I don’t know, maybe because you fancy her!”

“Prongs, will you stop mentioning that! I didn’t tell her!”

“Then who did-”

“It’s your memory, Prongs! You told her!”

“...” James stood there quiet, like a linden statue, staring at his best friend as his brain tried to process it. His eyes went wide and his mouth fell open. “OH MY GOD-” he started to punch Sirius from the realiasation. “WHAT IF IT’S A TWIN THING! OH MY- DO YOU THINK WE’RE TELEPATHIC!”

“James...”

“MATE! Mate.. mate..” James smiled broadly at his best friend. “How cool would it be if we are actually those twins that can telepathically communicate-”

“James...”

James slapped his hand on his mouth. “Oh- what if she’s listening to me right now.”

“JAMES!” Sirius took James’ shoulders and shook him. “Calm down, for crying out loud. You’re not telepathic. I think she is- sort of.” he shrugged as James kept watching him. “I think she’s a Legilimen.”

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Workout.”

Forgive me for being short today, But I have a Russian test in less than an hour, and it is on numbers which is the most excruciating part of this language lol.

Hope you all have a good day :)

The human pulled to a stop huffing and puffing, hands on his knees as he took in great big breaths. Krill could see ribs through his skin as the great bellows expanded and then contracted. Sweat slicked the skin as the body desperately tried to cool itself.

“Heart rate 165.”

The human straightened himself out coughing once or twice to clear his throat, reaching out and wiping his face with a towel.

He threw the towel over one shoulder and stretched the large muscle groups in his chest, stomach and back pulling tight.

Sunny leaned against the wall just to their right both sets of arms crossed over her chest, “So, what is this supposed to be fore. Is this like a dominance thing or something.”

The human wiped his face again and raised an eyebrow, “IT’s exercises,  Sunny. You know so I can be fit enough to pass the UNSC PT exam, or perhaps so that I can do my job better, or maybe because I look better whenI’m more fit.

Sunny turned her head to look at him, her eyes scrunching down a little as Krill went to take notes on a clipboard.

“You mean…. You didn’t just grow to being that size?’

The human glanced down at Krill incredulous, “IS she serious? Do the Drev like, not have to work out?”

Krill shook his head, “Drev do not have subcutaneous fat deposits like humans do. Any acquired deposits are stored below the carapace between the connective tissue, padding them down and giving them more protection.”

Sunny looked between them in confusion, “Wait, hold on…. I’m confused.”

The human towelled off his hair, “I have to work out to look like this sunny. IF i don’t use it, I lose it.”

She turned to look at Krill.

He tucked the holo-pad under one arm, “You see, Sunny. Humans are meant to adapt. They can adapt mentally, and they can adapt physically. The body changes to match the requirements of its environment. Sometimes this takes years to do, for instance if you take a light skinned population of humans and put them somewhere with a lot of sun, and keep that population in complete isolation, after a few generations, the skin will darken to compensate for the increased UV light. However these things happen on a smaller level. The body fluctuates to adapt to the amount of physical work which is required.”

The human nodded, “Exactly. Running strengthens the heart, and it increases the hemoglobin in my blood, so that I can run for a longer time with more oxygen. If I were to stop running, I would loose all of that and have to work back up.”

Sunny stared at him incredulous, “So, you have to force your body to be able to perform correctly. Like, It can’t just DO what it needs to do, but you have to convince it over years of training to be able to do what you want.”

The man shrugged, “Well anything sucks when you phrase it like that.” He turned and motioned them to follow, “Historically, humanity was evolved in an environment with little food. We ate a diet heavy in proteins, fiber, and natural carbs from fruit. Fat is an essential part of a human’s diet, but it is relatively difficult to find in nature because of this, the body adapted to make humans love and crave fatty and sugary foods for energy. Well since well into the twentieth eighteenth century, fatty foods were becoming commonplace, and easy to get our hands on, but the body wasn’t aware of that, so it continued to treat these new fatty foods the way our bodies would have treated them back when we were hunter/gatherers storing every last bit up for use later.”

Sunny followed after in fascination, “I see, so now you have…. Too much of a food that your body craves.”

The human looked over his shoulder, “You got it, and the body doesn’t know when to stop storing fat. It’ll just keep going. So if I were to sit on my ass all day eating chips, I would lose the muscle and I would get bigger as fat deposits were stored up for energy.”

Sunny shrugged, “What is the problem with that?”

The human tapped his chin lightly, “A few things, I guess. For me, at least, if I were to just stop working out, I wouldn’t be able to do my job as well, I wouldn't be able to run as far, or to jump as high, or to lift as much. And lifting myself up in a pullup would be impossible, and considering the amount of times we have all almost fallen off a cliff or had to haul ourselves up rope, you would think that would be a bad idea. Not to mention that the larger you are the harder your heart has to work as the blood supply is forced to expand, and since you aren't working out your heart it gets weaker but has to do more work, which --in turn-- increased the risk of heart issues. Compounding all that I wouldn't be able to sit in a cockpit or pilot a jet properly.”

Sunny shook her head, “That seems like a very… annoying model. You can never just relax. You always have to work to keep your body where it should be. And the amount of self control you have to have….”

The human laughed, “You have no idea how much self control  I need when a box of doughnuts gets in my way.” He sighed, “Keeping my abs as been a real struggle, but the UNSC drilled some self discipline into me when I was still young.”

“So you weren't always this big.”

The human snorted, “no not in the slightest. In fact, I was so skinny, you could see my heart beating through my rib cage.

Sunny grimaced.

“Yeah I know, kinda gross. Those are your two directions. If you don’t work out your either super scary skinny, or you get a bit big. If you’re working out right you get muscles.” He turned around flexing proudly for them to outline the lines of his biceps, chest and stomach.

Sunny would have rolled her eyes back into her head, but she supposed, now that she knew he had to work for it, she was at least somewhat proud of him.

“Ok, I have a question  then.”

“Shoot.”

“Can you get bigger?”

More laughter, “Oh yeah, totally, but I’m not THAT dedicated.”

They were just coming around a corner when the commander skidded to a halt eye to chest with an absolutely massive human.

Even sunny stepped back in surprise.

This human was large enough to look sunny in the eye, with shoulders about as wide as her, and a chest that looked like it could have benched a small car.

It was almost comical, a moment ago Sunny had assumed that the commander was a large human.

“Wow there big mean. I’’d rather not get steamrolled today, thanks.”

The large human glanced down at the commander.

“Sir.” He grunted before stepping around and walking up the hall.

Sunny watched him go, “What do you have to do to get that big!”

“You practically have to live at the gym.”

They turned the corner walking into a large room, with strange machines of unknown use.

ANd in here there were humans of all sizes and shapes, but most of them absolutely massive. Those who lacked height, did not lack muscle.

Male humans, female humans, all of the above.

A tiny female human stood at one of these machines carrying a bar on her shoulders with enough weight that sunny assumed it might crush her. Instead she squatted down to the floor and stood back up.

The captain blinked, “Holy shit.” He motioned towards her, “She squats more than me by the way. You see these guys are insane. I work out to maintain, these guys do it because its their hobby.”

Krill floated upwards to whisper in sunny’s ear, “For the muscle to enlarge, the fibers must tear open, and then the body comes back and repairs the tear to withstand the pressures that tore it in the first place.

Sunny stared at Krill incredulously, “So you're telling me, they just…. Tear themselves apart to get like that.”

The Commander left them standing in place walking over to the wall and jumping upwards, catching his hands around a black bar welded to the wall, the muscles in his back, just below the shoulder blades flexed as he pulled himself upwards, the muscles in his shoulder blades rolling under the skin.

They continued to watch as the commander did his set, a little bit of everything for demonstration purposes. Getting off one of the leg machines, one of these large female humans walked past sitting where he had just sat reaching out pulling out the peg and and bringing the weight almost to the bottom of the plates.

The commander leaned in, “See her, she could probably crush your skull using just her legs.” He sighed, “Man, I only WISH I could be that  badass.” He looked up at sunny, “Sometimes I come here just to knock myself down a peg.”

Across the room, one of these massive humans was hauling a huge bar lined with weight on either side up over his head like it was nothing.

“You see that, that would probably invert my spine if I tried to do it.” “Must you be so graphic?” Krill wondered 

“Yeah, because that’s how much of a wuss I am.”

Looking around, Sunny wasn’t convinced entirely of his status as a wuss. He had all the requisite muscle groups of, even the largest humans, and more than some. There were great swatches of the human population who,even here, were missing some things. 

A few of the humans had large arms, ut small legs, small legs, but large arms, no chest, or  chest and no abdominal muscles.

Yes sure, he may have been smaller than their largest, but he WAS well rounded arms, chest, stomach, legs, back and shoulders.

She found herself surprised at the smug satisfaction in comparing her human to the other humans.

Sure her human couldn’t bench THAT much, but he also had better legs, so there.

“You ok, Sunny?”

She turned her head to look at him.

“Just thinking.” She said 

He shrugged at her and returned to his work. 

It’s hard to be a human.

They have to work for everything they have, especially when it comes to their body. 

[spiritualgravity]

My Keto Case Study

I can’t remember exactly when I first began to diet. The earliest recollection I have was my freshman year in college, obviously I gained the obligatory “Freshman 15.” A girlfriend of mine was a distributor for Herbal Life — the program included shakes as well as about one million herbal pills.

At some point, I hopped on the Weight Watcher train. My Mother is a “lifer” — meaning she met her goal weight, and for the rest of eternity, will be known as a Life Long member...even if she doesn’t maintain the goal weight. My entire childhood, even until today — on the cusp of turning 40 years old — she still toggles on and off diets regularly...gaining and losing the same 20-30 pounds. We are kindred spirits with a fondness for carbs, but she prefers salty and I prefer sweets.

Over the past five years, I tried WW again, another company with shakes and pills, Whole 30, and I even made up my own program which basically included not eating any processed foods.

Before I got pregnant, I was about 20 pounds overweight. Technically, I actually “should” have weighed 40 pounds less, according to BMI algorithms, but my body has always enjoyed extra padding. I don’t think my infastructure is meant to be stick thin. Going into a process where your body willingly puts on weight in order to grow a human, and you’re already carrying extra poundage, certainly isn’t ideal.

I dropped some weight after giving birth, because said human left my midsection. Then, I’d like to think, that breastfeeding knocked off a few more pounds. Many months later, I eventually got down to the weight I started with when I was pregnant — which was — 20 pounds overweight. Sigh.

{Postpartum Photos}

In June, eight and a half months after giving birth, I stopped breastfeeding, and hadn’t worked out...not even broken a sweat...since right before giving birth. My entire pregnancy, all 41 weeks, I worked out religiously at CrossFit, and then never looked back once becoming a Mommy. This isn’t because I didn’t want to do overhead squats and crazy WODs, but because my baby didn’t sleep. I was essentially a zombie for her first year of life, while juggling and navigating postpartum depression.

Over the summer, while visiting my parents’ home, a friend from childhood came over to see my daughter and catch up. To my surprise, she dropped dozens and dozens of pounds. Our figures are very similar, we could even pass for sisters from below the neck. I was impressed by her success, and curious how she did it. Meanwhile, my Mother sat in the background at the kitchen table, overhearing our entire conversation, and decided she wanted in on the “Ketogenic” program, known as Keto.

Just like my Mom, I have historically lost weight for an event. Weddings were my go-to weight loss event, particularly when I was a bridesmaid (12 times no less). This particular time around, my Mom wanted to lose weight for a cruise she was going on in September; she went on the ship 15 pounds lighter but then subsequently didn’t stick to Keto.

For the next few weeks, after my initial talk with the successful Keto friend, I cannonballed headfirst into Google research. I consumed videos, read articles, watched more videos, and then read some more articles. After my sister’s wedding in early August, during the 13 hour drive back from New York, I spent some more time reading, and reading, and reading. It probably didn’t hurt that I also became privy to photos of me from the wedding — not only did I immediately realize I sadly no longer needed to wear nursing bras with zero support (Dear God, why didn’t anyone tell me?!?), but I did in fact need to get healthier. My body and face looked inflamed, and I was tired of not being able to wear my pre-pregnancy jeans.

I asked countless follow-up questions to my successful Keto friend, and also to another gal who lost a massive amount of weight following the Keto program (under a doctor’s supervision). I decided I was in.

My personality, at a microscopic level, is all in or nothing at all; I do not know what half-assing means. Some people call this discipline, I call it not wasting my time.

So on August 13th, I officially weighed in and measured my Mommy curves to begin the journey on a ketogenic diet. I’ve had curves since I hit puberty. I embrace them, and love that my strong legs resemble tree trunks. An hour glass figure isn’t the worst card to be dealt. So when I say curves, I just mean the extra thickkkkk curves that came with pregnancy. 

I wasn’t strict as far as counting macros, I simply counted (in my head) the number of net carbs I was consuming. That’s how my friend did it, so I figured I’d follow her lead. As it turned out, I personally needed to count my macros (ratio of protein / fat / carbs) in order to follow Keto correctly. I began using a free and easy app called Carb Manager for about two months until I got the hang of things and haven’t used it since because now I know what’s what.

Some people call Keto a diet, I’d like to think it’s my new lifestyle. I have absolutely no idea how long I’ll follow this lifestyle. I’m not naive enough to say for my lifetime, but it definitely isn’t going to be a shortlived stint. 

This process has been incredibly humbling at a visceral level. For starters, I am embarrassed to admit how incredibly ignorant I used to be when it came to judging things I knew nothing about. One of my best friends, who is fighting a chronic heart condition, first brought up the word “Keto” over the phone last year. I immediately snubbed the idea, exacerbated, I said, “it’s just like Atkins” (which was meant to be a negative connotation), and shut down the thought of her doing this diet. For the record, it’s not like Atkins (that program touts high protein, whereas Keto is moderate protein — this is signficant because too much protein can be turned into glucose/sugar). 

“The biggest form of ignorance is rejecting something you know nothing about.” - Wayne Dyer

The Ketogenic gurus are also hyper focused on not eating fake sugar, particularly lots of phony faux sweetners that are labeled “Keto” on the package, but are absolutely not Keto-approved because they will still spike your blood sugar levels as if you’re actually eating sugar. 

{Source: Epilepsy Foundation}

The name ketogenic means that it produces ketones in the body. (keto = ketone; genic = producing) Ketones are formed when the body uses fat for its source of energy.

Usually the body uses carbohydrates (such as sugar, bread, pasta) for its fuel. Because the ketogenic diet is very low in carbohydrates, fats become the primary fuel instead. The body can work very well on ketones (and fats).

Ketones are not dangerous. They can be detected in the urine, blood, and breath. Ketones are one of the more likely mechanisms of action of the diet, with higher ketone levels often leading to improved seizure control. However, there are many other theories for why the diet will work.

Secondly, for as long as my temporal lobes can recall, I have been adamantly against fasting…and, I’m not exactly sure why. Again, just another position I claimed with literally zero education or facts. My husband, for years and years, suggested I workout while fasting. I swore to him that I would fall flat on my face if I ever tried such an absurd strategy. 

Since I have been a devout low calorie follower, I’ve been chronically hungry. I was brainwashed to believe, with most of America, to have Fatphobia. I drank skim milk, which has a lot of sugar. I ate low fat packaged snacks, which were packed full of sugar. I ate mini meals all day long, 6 times a day. In other words, I was spiking my insulin all day long. My purse was always, without fail, full of munchies. Protein bars, crackers, apples, and a myriad of other nibbles. I would not, could not, leave my house without emergency food within arm’s reach. God forbid I got hungry and immediately turned hangry. Come to think of it, I was basically a 5′4″ child who was, at any given time, on the verge of a meltdown from being ravenousness. I didn’t quite realize it, but I was starving myself, and yet ironically, still overweight.

When I started Keto, my motivation was weight loss. But, what’s fascinating, is learning that weight loss is actually a side effect. The Ketogenic diet was originally designed for people who suffered from epilepsy and helped control their seizures. Ketogenic eating has been known to decrease inflammation in the body, eliminate diseases such as diabetes or heart conditions, sleep issues, GI troubles, and the resolution list goes on and on. 

What I’ve learned is that our bodies have 2 primary sources of fuel — glucose  (sugar / carbs), and fat. When you eliminate or greatly reduce glucose / sugar / carbs, your body will eventually start to burn fat for fuel. Luckily, I have a tremendous amount of excess fat that’s been waiting for an intevention. 

There is an enormous amount of misinformation ‘out there’ about eating Keto, and I am the first to admit I was super skeptical before I did my homework. 

Keto can get a bad rap for eating unlimited bacon, cheese, and bacon cheeseburgers. The other night, while out to eat with a group of ladies, for an appetizer I had a wedge salad (which includes veggiesc and crumbled blue cheese), and for dinner I had broccoli, asparagus, and a delicious steak. I put a little bit of real butter on my veggies. Also, the table enjoyed an array of desserts and not only did I not partake in the sugar fix, I didn’t even want any / I didn’t feel like I was missing out. In my past carb-laden life, I plunged my spoon into the dish first, and shoveled the brownie and ice cream into my pie hole as fast as I possibly could. There are varying versions of keto, that range from “dirty” to “clean.” When you eat dirty Keto, that’s what has given the program an unhealthy shadiness reputation on the streets. I fall in line closer to the cleaner side of keto, but have my dirty moments, and always eat organic, nitrate-free, etc. whenever possible. Oh and for the record, I usually drink one glass of red wine with my dinners. I may have lost weight, but I haven’t lost my damn mind. I draw the line at giving up my vino, that’s non-negotiable, and more importantly — I’ve been able to stay in ketosis. And yes I eat a small serving of fruit from time to time, berries are the best option and happen to be my favorite. 

Because every one is different, literally and metaphorically, results vary. My personal journey was that I shrunk in size, but the scale didn’t have impressive numbers to show for my effort. 

Come October, on the same day that my daughter turned one year old, I joined a gym. By that time, I had two months of Keto under my belt. Since I was a CrossFit junkie for 3 years pre-baby, I had to check my ego at the fitness facility’s door and slowly take it one day at a time. Besides picking up a baby thousands of times, I really hadn’t moved a muscle in 365 days. My body went through an enormous metamorphosis after making a little person, and I knew in my bones that I truly had to ease my way back into a safe grove. I sat down with a registered nurse at the gym and she did a body mass analysis using a machine that can calculate your composition make-up. 

This is where my self-fulfilling prophecy manifested, in the form of a personal case study. During college, I sucked at all things math, but ironically I was a wanna-be wizard at statistics. I got a B+ and until this day, I live for stats. With this documented analysis, I was stoked to have a baseline for my Keto journey that was more than just a generic number on a scale. Sure, I have baggage with the God foresaken scale, but now I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the scale does not tell the whole story. 

Next up, I went to my Primary Care Physician’s office and had blood work drawn, along with a physical exam. I would also use these clinical insights as a foundation for improving my health, as well as proving that this way of eating is in fact healthy and not destroying my heart or other organs, or jacking up my cholesterol. 

Come January, I started to dabble in “I.T.” — intermittent fasting.

Now, when I say I’ve done my research, I mean an absurd amount of research. For almost a decade, my profession has been based in the medical field, so I’ve become a wee bit snobby when it comes to peer reviewed, scientific-based information. Blogs and anecdotal banter do not hold a candle in my book; I want facts, documentation, and proof. I want real stories from real people. I want lab work and the truth.

From mid-October through today, I’ve worked out on average about 4 times a week for one hour at a time. I joined a gym that has a daycare and now the sun shines a little brighter. My mini me gets to socialize with little people, and I get to lift weights (which doesn’t entail lifting a little person). I no longer listen to music while working out and I’ve become unapologetically obsessed with Podcasts. I realize I’m way, way behind the digital audio fad, but nonetheless I can’t get enough of them. Despite my husband’s dismay at potentially drowning my iPhone, I even listen to Youtube videos and Podcasts in the shower for goodness sake. Oprah, Tony Robbins and their leadership development peers make regular appearances, but for the most part, I’m quite literally up to my ears in Keto-related content. 

Maybe this is because I’m a real life sponge and adore the process of learning. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trained through my professional line of work that it takes listening/reading/hearing the SAME information at least 5x before you even retain a fraction of it. Who knows.

With that said, I’ve been convinced through dozens and dozens and dozens of 'classroom’ hours that intermittent fasting is a phenomenal practice for our bodies. And, if my own mad scientist research wasn’t enough, then when my friend who is currently battling breast cancer was told by her global team of physicians to do I.T. because it helps shrink those asshole cancer cells, certainly proved the point that removing sugar from our systems is a miracle worker.

I.T. comes in different forms because there are a variety of disciplines, but the most popular one is 16:8 / you don’t eat for a 16 hour window and you do eat for an 8 hour window. Within that 16 hour window, you’re sleeping for hopefully 7-8 hours of them, which basically means you don’t eat breakfast and you start your first meal with lunch. And, here’s the fun part — when you get the majority of your fuel from healthy fats, you aren’t even hungry, so fasting is actually not a big deal. Just like the rest of my journey, I worked up to this goal. I started with 12 hours, then 13, and so on.

I tried a longer fast, about 60 hours, in January. This was supposed to be some type of reset for my body. I felt like my weight loss was stalling, despite no cheats and working out. The first day was extremely difficult for me, I wanted to quit throughout the afternoon. The second day was a complete 180 degree turn — I wasn’t hungry and felt totally fine. But, I wanted to eat anyway. This experience really helped me stare my relationship with food face-to-face. I quieted my mind and asked why did I want to eat, I wasn’t even hungry. I realized that it’s the habit of eating I was used to, even if I wasn’t hungry.

Several people I know have loved ones who had gastric bypass surgery. It broke my heart to hear that there is no counseling after the fact — sure it’s available, but they weren’t utilizing it, nor was it required. And, they were back to their original style of eating and unhealthy types of food that qualified them for this surgery to begin with. 

Food can be used as a drug, just like other stereotypical vices including gambling and shopping. I know that no matter what “diet” or lifestyle change I become a VIP member to, it’s just a Band-Aid until I fix the root of the issue — using food to fill me up. I also realize that history has a way of repeating itself and I’ve walked in my Mother’s shoes, witnessing her on some type of diet my entire life.

I am approaching the 8 month mark as a Ketogenic crony, and here is where things currently stand:

I’ve lost 21 pounds. 

I’ve lost 14 inches between my hips, waist, thighs and chest.

I’ve lost 2-3 pant sizes — even fitting in to my “goal pants” (which I have never been able to zip up, including when I bought them years ago).

I weigh less than I did at my wedding four years ago.

I mentally and physically feel amazing and am rarely hungry. I repeat, I am not hungry. Eating fat is satiating...what a freaking concept (girl hits empty carb head against brick wall).

In all of my days walking this earth, no one has ever once told me that I was tiny. Last week, two people on the same evening said, “You’re tiny.” Granted, I am not tiny. In fact, I’m technically still overweight on the BMI algorithm, and according to...what I like to refer to as my Momma Kangaroo belly pouch... but that leads me to my next point.

One week ago I had my follow-up appointment with both the gym’s registered nurse as well as my PCP. I had both original tests re-run in order to determine, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was 100% healthy. Obviously being able to stowaway my maternity jeans, and have my leggings become baggy speaks for itself, but I wanted to know what was really going on behind the zippers and elastic bands.

At the PCP appointment, my provider couldn’t stop gloating about how much weight I had dropped since our last visit. The next day, an email came through with results from the blood work as a 3-page report. At the very end it says, and I quote, “Your lipid panel results are acceptable. Continue your Keto diet, it is not detrimental to your cholesterol.” 

My body composition test results were also impressive. 

BMI —from 30.2 (obese) to 27.9 (overweight)

Body Fat %: 37.2 to 35.2

Blood pressure — from 130/80 to 110/78

And what really made me jump for joy, was finding out the breakdown of my “dry lean mass” and “body fast mass.” The nutritionist, who was a skinny mini, said to me, “Your skeletal muscle mass is nearly above average. I’ve spent my whole life doing massive amounts of cardio, which is why I’m so skinny, but I should have been doing much more weightlifting and less cardio. Keep doing what you’re doing.” In other words, the stupid scale not moving exponentially and “only” losing about 20 pounds is a bunch of bologne. I legitimately have put on muscle, praise the Lord almighty. 

So there you have it folks. This is one way of getting healthy. I’m sure it’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me. I do not feel deprived, whatsoever. The food I eat is absolutely delicious, I’m satisifed after eating, and there are thousands of Keto-friendly recipes to make the process a breeze — including yummy alternative carb staples such as breads. 

I’ll sign off with a few insider tips and resources.

Drink a lot of water. People — listen to me — do this anyway. But especially if you’re doing Keto. I drink 3 liters of water a day. My goal is to drink 1 by noon, 1 by 5pm, and the rest before bed.

You’ll lose water weight and with that, electrolytes will flush out, which is why you want to replace them. Otherwise, you’ll get what’s called the “Keto Flu.” Don’t do that. Up your electrolytes (potassium, magnesium and sodium), ideally through whole foods but also in supplements (vitamins and/or electrolyte drinks). By eating Ketogenic-friendly foods, your body won’t get as much of this as it normally would and balanced electrolytes make you feel awesome. 

Don’t be scared of veggies just because they have carbs. Veggies are good for you, really really good for you and have tons of fiber. They’re not all created equal of course, but enjoy your greens every single day.

I don’t recommend starting out with Keto-style desserts / sweets or Keto breads. You can work those into your meals later on, once you’ve gotten fat adapted (Google what that means), but they should be considered a treat and not a staple in your everyday regimen. 

Check out these links for Dr. Fung —all things Intermittent Fasting — and Dr. Berg for all things Keto and nutrition. 

You don’t have to do this in order to follow Keto, but I have enjoyed drinking exogenous ketones for the last few months. I drink it as my “pre workout” drink or while I’m working out. It gives me lots of energy and all the benefits of ketones. I have a customer referral code if anyone would like it.

This may be the first time, in all of my diet dabbling years, that I’ve ever truly faced why I treated food like medication. It’s also the first time I’ve ever tried to lose weight and it wasn’t for an event. 

I’m turning 40 years old this summer and we may consider giving my daughter a sibling, if that’s what the good Lord wills. My ‘event’ milestones with a dress size to fit into has been replaced with the lifelong milestone of being a Mother. I want to be a confident woman who my daughter looks up to and admires my health from the inside — out. I want her to know that food is for nutrition, not for stuffing feelings down. I want her to know that the scale doesn’t define her worth. I want her to know that muscles and strength is sexy. I want her to know that she’s perfect exactly the way she is. 

[proxylynn]

Underfell: File Name not Edgy Enough #9

Chapter 9: Puzzles WARNING: I WANT NO RESPONSIBILITY OVER SPOILING THINGS FOR OTHERS. THAT BEING SAID, THIS IS HOW FILE NAME NOT FOUND WOULD FUNCTION IN THE AU OF UNDERFELL. BEFORE YOU READ THIS, UNLIKE THE NICE TIME OF UNDERTALE, THIS WORLD IS KILL OR BE KILLED. THIS STORY WILL BE GRAPHIC, GORY, USE SWEARS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, AND DEAL WITH SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTERS. FOR EXAMPLE, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE READ THE FILE NAME RELOCATED SPOOF WILL KNOW HOW I PICTURE THIS VERSION OF LYNSIE COMING TO THE UNDERGROUND. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING DUMB. IT IS BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO END HER LIFE. SO TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. I MADE IT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LET SOME OF THIS EDGINESS OUT OF MYSELF. WHICH I GUESS MAKES UNDERFELL LYNSIE EVEN MORE TRUE TO WHO I REALLY AM. ANYWAY, ENJOY. ^_^ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Lynsie...Are you sure it was okay to not get fully healed?" "Flowey, I am not in the mood to deal with Sans's bullshit." "Well...You kind of..." "Don't you fucking dare side with him. I didn't start shit! I ate an ice cream pop. That's all I did. If he wants to think I was doing something suggestive, that's on him and his sinful mind. Not me. So if he wants to be a turd about it, fine." "I don't know. It seems like he was trying to help. Even if he was doing a crappy job doing so." "Oh, so now you trust him?" "Not completely. But monsters don't try to heal others unless they really mean it." "...*sigh* Give me time to cool off. He said some stuff I wasn't ready to hear and I need time to process. Okay?" "Understood. Hard to think that mom would..." "Don't! Don't even say it! I will drop you if you even dare say those next words and not come back." "Uh...H-Hey look! A random signpost. We should read it." Flowey laughs nervously and I roll my eyes. I don't like feeling this way. I want to calm down. I guess I can try doing things his way for a bit. It'll let me clear my head even if only for a little while. So I go over to this thing. Almost instantly we are looking at this thing in puzzlement. "You seeing what I'm seeing?" "I am but I am so unsure right now." [Warning: Dog Marriage] [Yes, you read that correctly.] "Is that really something to be warned about?" "I think it means the dog guards here are a pair. So two dogs in one encounter." "Oh, so like that time those three Moldsmals tripped us up." "Or that time Migosp, Vegetoid, and Loox attacked." "Is three the max limit that can attack me? Because it really feels that way." "Yeah, it's a built-in rule to the Fight Zone's magic." "There are rules to it?" "It doesn't seem like it because most fights are straightforward, but there are a few that were made a very long time ago. Like the max per fight is a 3v3. But a little-known rule is that none fighting people can enter the zone mid-fight and not be involved." "How does that work?" "When a fight starts, a special kind of magic activates. This magic is called the Fair Fight Field and it takes the form of a grid that only the ones involved can see." "I was wondering what that thing was." "The grid makes sure that those in the fight are the only ones to be there. Keeping others out that would join in and fight as well. This is the part that gets odd. Those with negative intentions can't enter the field, but those with positive or no intentions can enter it." "Good luck on that ever happening here." "True. The odds of that happening are about as rare as someone helping you in a fight." "Wait...So you wouldn't help me?" "Not if I don't have to." "Awww...You do care." He groans and I keep reading. [SMELL DANGER RATING] [Snow Smell - Snowman WHITE Rating - Can become YELLOW Rating] [Unsuspicious Smell - Puppy BLUE Rating - Smell of rolling around.] [Weird Smell - Humans GREEN Rating - Destroy at all costs!] "So I'm a weird smell? Do you think snow and blood will cover that up?" "*shrug* Maybe? But why is the word green in red?" "Dogs have a form of color blindness. Maybe that's the way they can see that color." "Huh. Did not know that." "HUMAN!" Papyrus comes following our not so discrete trail. "Hey, Papyrus. Something the matter?" He paces his way up to me. "SEEING AS YOU'RE NOT DEAD, NO, NOTHING'S THE MATTER." I look at him funny and he glares. "DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE HURT OR NOT. ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME IS THAT YOU ARE MY TARGET AND NO ONE ELSE'S. I DON'T WANT THE DOGS IN THIS AREA TO STEAL WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE." I can't help the small blush that creeps onto my face. His possessiveness touches on my inner need to feel wanted. Even if it's not the best reason to have this feeling, try telling that to my stupid needy soul. "Well then...I am pleased to hear that. Because frankly, I don't think these dogs are worth my time." He cocks an eye at that but the smirk he has tells me he liked what he heard. "So...Where's your bro?" "SANS HAS BEEN SENT AHEAD TO INFORM THE MUTTS THAT YOU ARE TO BE LEFT TO US TO HANDLE." "Are you sure that they will listen to him? After all, you did say it was odd for someone to listen to Sans." "HMMM...YOU DO HAVE A POINT. VERY WELL. I SHALL PERSONALLY ESCORT YOU TO EACH PUZZLE AND PREVENT THOSE CANINE NOBODIES FROM DISOBEYING THEIR COMMANDING OFFICER." "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you don't whack them on the nose with rolled up newspaper when they are bad dogs." "REPLACE THE WORD 'NOSE' WITH 'BODY', THE WORD 'WHACK' WITH 'BEAT', AND THE WORD 'NEWSPAPER' WITH 'BASEBALL BAT' THEN YOU'D BE MORE CORRECT IN THAT IDEA." "Damn! Royal Guard Papyrus doesn't play around." He smiles a bit with pride before stepping past me. "COME ALONG, HUMAN. THE NEXT PUZZLE IS NEAR." It's weird. He makes me feel chipper. Like, I know he's an ass. But he has these moments where you can forget he's an ass and can be a bit pleasant almost. "Sure, Papyrus. Anything you say." "OBEDIENCE? NOW THERE'S SOMETHING I CAN GET USED TO." "Don't be a jackass and you'll find I'll be very willing to listen." "NOTED." I follow him for a bit till he stops at double row of spikes blocking the way. "Yo, what gives?" "WE'VE STOPPED BECAUSE THIS IS THE NEXT PUZZLE. TO PROGRESS ANY FURTHER, YOU MUST FIND THE SWITCH THAT LOWERS THESE SPIKES. OTHERWISE, YOU AND I AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE." I give him a look. "I bet the switch is in that other part of the area we didn't even look at." He flinches and I scoff. "For real? You guys made it that easy?" "N-NO. THE SWITCH IS CAREFULLY HIDDEN AND BLENDS IN WITH THE LAND. THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL FIND IT SO..." "It's in the snow, isn't it?" He gets this look of embarrassment and rage mixed together. A clear sign telling me to leave. "I'll go flip the switch. Be right back." "*STERN* YES. YOU GO DO THAT." I travel back up the way we came and make a right where three trees hide a square indent in the snow that sits in the middle of them. [There's a switch hidden in the snow.] "It's insulting that they made this one so easy." "Could've been worse. That microwave one was stupidly crazy." "I get the feeling the last half of these puzzles are going to be lame." I step in the center of the square. [Click!] [The switch is stuck now.] "...Did this thing just call me fat?" "Before you freak out, try pressing it again." I step off and step back on. [Click!] "Okay. Now I'm not so annoyed." I step back again. [Click!] "*YELLS* QUICK DICKING AROUND OVER THERE!" The two of us snicker and return to bothered Papyrus. I surmise his mood based on the folded arms and foot tapping. "Something bugging you, oh great and terrible, Papyrus?" "*GROWL* GET MOVING, HUMAN. THERE ARE THREE MORE PUZZLES BEFORE WE REACH TOWN. AND THE NEXT PUZZLE IS BROKEN INTO THREE PARTS WITH INCREASING DIFFICULTY." "So you do know how to make a proper puzzle? I'm shocked." He readies his hand to strike me again but pauses mid-swing when I wince at the impending hit. "THAT MOUTH OF YOURS WILL GET YOU KILLED. YOU'D DO BEST TO LEARN HOW TO KEEP IT SHUT BEFORE I LOSE ME PATIENCE. AM I CLEAR, HUMAN?" Is he showing restraint? Best not poke this bear and take what little good he offers. "Yes, sir." He motions me to start moving and I obey. He walks behind me as we make our way past the spike line and over a small bridge. The path continues to our right and all seems well. This isn't the case for long as two figures begin to approach. Papyrus puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me to be at his side. This must be the dog couple. They are near identical in appearance being white furred dogs with red eyes. Both having round snouts, floppy ears, muscular builds that have scars from what I'll guess is fights, and clawed paws. They wear black hooded tattered robes caked with dried bloodstains that have the face of their spouse printed on the front. Their main differences in appearance being the male's thick lowered brow, cowlick, and pseudo-mustache, while the female just has emphasized eyelashes. They both wield large battleaxes that are decorated with eyes that show features imitating those of their owners and fanged intimidating painted mouths. "STAY PUT, HUMAN. I'LL DEAL WITH THEM." "You don't have to tell me twice." They almost end up walking right past us if it weren't for one of them catches the faintest hint of smell. "What's that smell?" "Where's that smell?" I guess blood and snow don't make a foolproof scent shield when in such small amounts. Not even Papyrus's bones divert attention. But I can guess the attraction to bones was beaten out over time. "If you're a smell..." "...identify yoursmellf!" "SUCH ABSIMUL ARTICULATION." "You read my mind." They start sniffing the air as we step away, trying to leave before they give us any real attention. But the sudden stares in my direction alert us to that being not an option anymore. "Hmmm...Here's that weird smell...It makes me want to eliminate." "...Eliminate YOU!" Papyrus summons a bone and I start to growl. "YOU WORTHLESS DOGS WILL NOT LAY A SINGLE PAW ON THIS HUMAN." "We're not single." "We're married." "*GROAN* YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT! DON'T PLAY STUPID!" The brandish their axes. "Weird smell means human." "Humans must be eliminated." Single-minded creatures these dogs be. "Whine. Whimper. Beg. No mercy for the weird smell!" "Misery awaits you. Kneel and suffer!" "I THINK IT'S TIME SOMEONE PUT YOU FLEABAGS DOWN. PERMINATELY!" "Hang on..." I hold his bone down and he snarls harshly. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "You don't need to kill them." "OH? AND WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE THEN?" I motion him to bend down and I whisper where an ear would be if he had any. "HMMM...NOT THE MOST IDIOTIC IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD. BUT STILL FOOLISH." "Come on. What do you have to lose? If this fails, you get to kill them. I'm sure the second in command to the Royal Guard can easily dispatch two dogs. So why waste your magic, energy, and time on such nonsense?" Papyrus gives me a stern look while in thought. "I SUPPOSE YOU DO HAVE A POINT. SUCH LOWLY THINGS ARE BENEATH ME." "Then we have a deal?" "YES. DO AS YOU WISH, HUMAN." He lets the bone fade and I scoop up some snow. "Yo, doggies. Wanna play fetch?" That seems to strike a chord with the dogs. "Fetch?" "Human's play fetch?" Using some of my blood to smear onto the snow, I make two reddish snowballs and tease them with it. "See the balls? Smell the balls? You want them, don't you? Don't you, puppers?" "PUPPERS?" "Mock me after, not during." Papyrus goes to speak, but seeing as the dog couple is now wagging their tails in excitement, he remains silent and allows me to continue. "You want the balls? Say you want the balls." They bark and drop on all fours. "Then go fetch!" I hurl both snowballs as hard as I can back from whence we came and they shoot off after them. "We should go now before they come back." "AGREED." We continue onward. Papyrus covers our tracks with more snow and that should keep the dogs from tracing our scent. "TELL ME, HUMAN. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WOULD WORK?" "'Elementary, my dear Papyrus...They are dogs. And dogs are governed by the most simple of instincts. Even with training, a dog will want to do what it naturally wants to do. Such as getting petted, going for walks, and of course, playing fetch. I merely exploited this and thus, we are able to go about our merry way." He chuckles and pats my back. "CLEVER GIRL. YOU SURPRISE ME WITH SUCH DEVIOUS TACTICS. I MUST REMEMBER TO TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION WHEN WE MEET ON THE BATTLEFIELD." "Do not take me so lightly. I will not use tricks on you." "REALLY?" "Mostly because I don't wish to fight you." "HEH HEH...FRIGHTENED ALREADY I SEE?" "Fear has nothing to do with it. I just know better than to mess with the guy that halved my HP with a simple smack." "MMMM..." "What? What was that for?" "NOTHING. JUST THINKING OF HOW MUCH I'M GOING TO ENJOY CRUSHING YOU IS ALL." "Hey, don't think just because I don't want to fight you that'll mean I'll go down easy. I took on an LV level 3 Boss Monster and won." "IS THAT SO? WELL THEN...IT SEEMS YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE THINGS INTERESTING AFTER ALL." "What does that mean?" "I NOTICE YOU ARE AT AN LV LEVEL OF 1. NOW WHILE YOU DO POSSESS A RATHER DECENT ARRAY OF STATS, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD AN EASY TIME AGAINST A MONSTER AT LV LEVEL 3. WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE OF TWO THINGS." "Oh, do tell." "ONE, YOU CHEATED." "I did not!" "OR TWO, YOU WERE SKILLED ENOUGH TO COME OUT ON TOP." "That one. That one I did." "HOWEVER...IF YOU DID WIN SUCH A FIGHT, THEN SURELY YOUR LV WOULD HAVE INCREASED. WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE YOU ARE A DIRTY CHEATER." "Bullshit! I am not a cheater! I won all my fights fair and square! The only reason my LV is still at 1 is because I don't kill anyone I fight!" He stops in his tracks in confusion. "YOU DON'T KILL YOUR OPPONENT?" "No." "WHY?" Now I'm the confused one. "What do you mean why? I don't want to kill anyone and I don't have to in order to win." "BUT YOU'RE WASTING EXP. THE MORE YOU GET, THE STRONGER YOU WILL BECOME." "I've been getting strong fairly well without resulting in murder, thank you very much." "THEN YOU ARE DOOMED TO MEET YOUR END HERE, HUMAN." "What did I tell you? Don't think just because I don't want to fight you that'll mean I'll go down easy. I have no intention of dying. I have someone that cares about me too much to let her down. So whatever mind fuckery you or your bro plan on doing to mess me up, well just forget it. Ain't nothing gonna bring me down!" "CHECK ME." "W-What?" "I SAID, CHECK ME." I have a bad feeling about this. [CHECK selected.] [Papyrus – HP: 4000 ATK: 200 DEF: 200 – He likes to say: "Nyeh heh heh!"] I feel all the blood drain from my face and he grins with arrogance in knowing that he got me. "DO YOU SEE NOW, HUMAN? THOSE ARE THE STATS OF NOT ONLY AN LV LEVEL 6 MONSTER, BUT AN LV LEVEL 6 MONSTER THAT CAN AND WILL ENJOY EVERY MOMENT BREAKING YOU UNTIL YOU ARE BEGGING ME TO PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR SAD MISERY." I have made a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mistake in leaving the Ruins. "WHAT SAY YOU NOW, HUMAN? DO YOU STILL THINK YOU CAN FACE ME AND LIVE?" [You feel like you're going to have a bad time.] "I'LL TAKE YOUR SILENCE AS A NO. REALIZATION CLEARLY GRIPS YOU. NOTHING THAT WILL POP INTO THAT HEAD OF YOURS WILL BEAT ME. NO TRICK IS TOO CLEVER. NO SKILL IS TOO PERFECT. YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. AND THAT, HUMAN, IS WEAK. AND ONCE THE SMOKE CLEARS AND YOU LIE DEAD IN THE SNOW, I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS, WILL CLAIM YOUR SOUL AS MY PRIZE. WITH IT, I WILL ACHIEVE MY ULTIMATE GOAL! WILL GET ALL THE THINGS I UTTERLY DESERVE! RESPECT...RECOGNITION...I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO TAKE MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD! PEOPLE WILL BOW IN MY SHADOW! I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF MY ENEMIES BLOOD EVERY MORNING. I WILL BE THE ONE! I MUST BE THE ONE! I WILL SHOW YOU ALL WHO IS THE GREATEST MONSTER OF ALL TIME!" He laughs maniacally into the wind and I am filled with so much regret right now. This dude is nuts. A tiny bit sad in his motives, but way too crazy for me to handle with this level of ambition. I'm just gonna slowly walk away. Maybe he won't notice if I... "LEAVING SO SOON?" I flinch with a nervous laugh. "Leaving? N-No...No I wasn't leaving. I was just...going to get ahead start on the next puzzle! Yeah! We have so many puzzles to do! Best not waste more time. Hehe..." He eyes me funny. "YOU'RE AS BAD AS SANS WHEN IT COMES TO LYING. BUT...YOU'RE NOT WRONG. WE'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME DADDLING." He drags me a bit further to a spot where fifteen stones are set up like an H with two blue Xs in the open spaces. A sign is near it. [Turn every X into an O. Then press the switch.] "Okay...And how I do that exactly?" "THE XOXO PUZZLES ARE PUZZLES WHERE YOU HAVE TO TURN ALL THE BLUE X'S INTO RED O'S WITHOUT STEPPING ON THE O'S AGAIN OR ELSE THE TILE TURNS INTO A GREEN TRIANGLE. PRESSING ON THE SWITCH FOUND IN EACH PUZZLE RESETS THE SWITCH IF THE PUZZLE IS INCOMPLETE. PRESSING ON THE SWITCH WHEN ALL THE TILES ARE RED O'S SOLVES THE PUZZLE AND TURN THE PUZZLE INTO GREEN O'S. THERE ARE THREE VARIANTS OF THIS PUZZLE THAT CAN BE FOUND IN SNOWDIN FOREST. THIS IS THE SIMPLEST OF THE THREE. I EXPECT YOU TO SOLVE IT WITH NO ISSUE." This first version of the puzzle only contains two tiles that need to be stepped on and the switch is nearby. Seeing as there are spikes once more blocking the way, completion of this puzzle gets rid of the spikes. I walk over one X and jump over the center rock to land on the other X. Now both are red O's and I hit the switch to make the spikes drop. "Tah-dah!" "EXCELLENT. WE MAY PROCEED WITH NEXT STAGE." We continue on for a bit till the path becomes blocked by a snarling armored dog. This dog's fur is a light cream color, red eyes, and its red tongue appears to be perpetually lolling out of its mouth. It wears gray metal armor with a black band around the waist and wrist areas. It holds a serrated sword and a spiked shield with the Delta Rune emblazoned on it. "STAND DOWN, LESSER DOG. THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU." Lesser Dog growls defiantly. "ANOTHER STUBBORN MONGREL. CARE TO DEAL WITH IT FOR ME, HUMAN?" "Really?" "JUST BE QUICK ABOUT IT." "As you wish." I step forward and Lesser Dog bangs its sword on its shield. "Cute. Now...How to go about this? Hmmm...Flowey?" "You called?" "What do we have in there that doesn't contain chocolate or tomato?" "Let me see..." Flowey roots around for a bit before pulling out a bag. "Will a bologna sandwich work?" "Perfect." I snatch the bag and tear a chunk off. "*whistle* You hungry, pupper? Want a treat?" "AGAIN WITH THE PUPPER?" "Don't hate because I get shit done." Lesser Dog's growling lessens and it cautiously takes a few steps toward me. "It's okay. I'm not gonna do anything. You can have this." Once Lesser Dog is with an attack range of me, it holds the shield up at the ready and moves closer with that sword aimed at my chest. Slowly it leans it's head out to my outstretched hand and sniffs the food before lapping it up. Its tail is wagging, a very good sign. "Good, right?" "*tiny bark*" "Want more?" "*bark*" I tear off more sandwich and feed Lesser Dog. We repeat this till the food is gone and Lesser Dog has gotten more trusting. This allows me to begin petting it. Oddly though, the more I pet Lesser Dog, the more its neck begins to grow. And each pet is met with that annoying box smarting off to me. [You barely lifted your hand and Lesser Dog got excited.] [Lesser Dog is barking excitedly.] [You lightly touched the Dog. It's already overexcited...] [You pet the Dog. It raises its head up to meet your hand.] [You pet the Dog. It was a good Dog.] [Lesser Dog is overstimulated.] "OKAY, HUMAN, YOU CAN STOP NOW." [You pet the Dog. Its excitement knows no bounds.] [Critical pet! Dog excitement increased.] [You have to jump up to pet the Dog.] [You don't even pet it. It gets more excited.] [Lesser Dog shows no signs of stopping.] "HUMAN, THAT IS ENOUGH." [There is no way to stop this madness.] [Lesser Dog enters the realm of the clouds.] [You call the Dog but it is too late. It cannot hear you.] [...] [You can reach Lesser Dog again.] [You pet Lesser Dog.] [Lesser Dog is lowering.] "I SAID, STOP!" "I can't! I must pet the pupper!" [It's possible that you may have a problem.] [Lesser Dog is learning to read.] [Lesser Dog is unpettable but appreciates the attempt.] [Lesser Dog is whining because it can't see you.] [Hello there.] [Perhaps mankind was not meant to pet this much.] "I SWEAR TO ASGORE, I WILL BREAK YOUR HANDS IF YOU DON'T STOP!" "But I have so much love to give!" [It continues.] [Lesser Dog is questioning your choices.] [Lesser Dog is beyond your reach.] [Lesser Dog has gone where no Dog has gone before.] [Really...] "THAT IS IT!" Papyrus literally has to remove me from petting Lesser Dog so the poor thing can retract its neck. In the entire event of the petting, Lesser Dog's neck stretched all the way to the cave ceiling and came back down before going back up again. I have no clue how it did that, but I'm glad it's not in pain from doing all that. It whimpers and whines, wanting more petting but Papyrus shoots it a glare that makes it flee. Poor thing retreats ahead of us with its tail tucked between its legs. "AMAZING...EVEN IN THAT ARMOR, IT MANAGED TO LEAP OVER THE SPIKES." "Awww...Poor pup wanted more pets." "NO! NO MORE PETTING! YOU HAVE A PETTING ADDICTION. AND THE ONLY WAY TO BREAK YOU OF SUCH A HABIT IS TO GO COLD TURKEY." "That and to keep my mind off the idea of petting." "YES. WHICH IS WHY YOU WILL NOW FOCUS ALL THOUGHT ON PART TWO OF THE XOXO PUZZLE." He puts me down in front of said puzzle. It's the same as the first one, only now there twenty-five rocks in a weird shape and fifteen X's. Even the sign says the same thing. [Turn every X into an O. Then press the switch.] "I see you made this one more interesting." "HMMM... HOW DO I SAY THIS? WHEN WE STARTED ALL THIS, YOU WERE TAKING A LONG TIME TO GET GOING. SO...I DECIDED TO IMPROVE THIS PUZZLE BY ARRANGING THE SNOW TO LOOK MORE LIKE MY FACE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SNOW FROZE TO THE GROUND BEFORE I COULD CRAFT IT INTO THE PROPER SHAPE. NOW THE SOLUTION IS DIFFERENT BUT STILL AS CHALLENGING. AND, AS USUAL, MY LAZY BROTHER IS NOWHERE AROUND." "How far ahead did you have him teleport anyway?" "eh, not too far." There on the other side of the spikes is Sans. He waves innocently at us and Papyrus stomps his foot in annoyance. "DAMN IT, SANS! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" "don't get snippy with me. i've been doing what ya asked." "THE HELL YOU HAVE! I TOLD YOU TO MAKE SURE THE DOGS WOULDN'T INTERFERE." "what do ya think i've been doing? i took care of greater dog and i got lesser dog away from his post. only now he's back there, thanks to you. did the dogi cause you trouble?" "DOGAMY AND DOGARESSA WERE DEALT WITH BY THE HUMAN." "r-really?" "SHE EVEN DEALT WITH LESSER DOG. SHAME SHE DIDN'T KILL THEM. SHE COULD USE ALL THE EXP SHE CAN GET." I move away to start the puzzle while they do whatever shit they will likely do. The second version of the puzzle is a larger puzzle, true, but not as challenging as they probably intended it to be. The puzzle can be solved by walking over the tiles correctly in one continuous path, but there's a simpler way to do it. I go over each X and step over any rock that blocks me. This solves the puzzle in a shorter time than it would be had I walked around the damn thing. I walk over to the switch and almost push it until something shiny gets my attention. I mosey over to the tree at the start of this little area and move some of the lower branches. "What the hell?" [There's a switch on the trunk of this tree.] "A secret? Should I...Duh! Press the button." [CLICK] Nothing happens. I shrug as I go to the normal switch and push it, causing the spikes to drop down. This gets the bickering brothers attention. "huh, looks like the kid found the safety switch." "CONGRATULATIONS, HUMAN! YOU PASSED THE SECOND PART." My eye twitches. "Safety switch? Why was there a safety switch?" "SIMPLE REALLY. TO STOP THE MOTION DETECTER FROM RELEASING THE SPIKES INTO YOU WHEN YOU ATTEMPTED CROSSING." "What?" All Sans does is shrug as if to answer me for the both of them. I slap a hand over my face and sigh. "The two of you will be the death of me." "THAT IS THE IDEA." "more or less." "EITHER WAY, THE NEXT PUZZLE BEGINS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS AREA. SANS, YOU DID REMEMBER TO DEACTIVATE THE MACHINE, CORRECT?" "yeah, yeah, it's off. though it acted funny." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "i don't know. it was like it didn't want to be turned off." "DON'T BE STUPID, SANS. IT'S A MACHINE. IT DOESN'T HAVE A WILL OF IT'S OWN." "whatever. it doesn't matter if ya believe me or not. ya never do." Papyrus looks less angry and now I'm intrigued by this sudden shift. "hey, kiddo..." Sans calls to me and I sprint over to join them. "What's up, skele-dude?" Me using that kidding name again seems to help ease him. "can ya give us a sec to set the puzzle up?" He sounds better. A little less gruff but still edgy. I nod my head. "By all means...You two take your time. I'm not going anywhere." They walk into the next area and Flowey pops out. "Snack break?" "Yep. I sit down in the snow and Flowey brings out the bag of cookies. [Five minutes later] [HP ████████████████████████████████████ 36/36] "It's amazing how food and drink can heal HP." "Yeah, but that's just it. Only the HP is restored. Any physical damage is needed to be healed by other means." "Still cool though." "Totally." "How does my face look? Still jacked up?" "Hmmm...Not really. I think Sans healed you physically first before working on your HP." "..." "You okay?" "That...That was nice of him." "Are you still mad at him?" "...No. I'm over it now. I've cooled off long enough." "Good. Because grumpy you is rude." "Sorry." We finish off the cookies. "Mom makes epic cookies." "What's this white stuff?" "White chocolate. My favorite is dark chocolate, but this ain't bad." "Chara loved chocolate too." "I have way too much in common with that boy for it to sound normal." "Has he been talking to you?" "Not for a bit. Been pretty quiet since we left the Ruins. I think he's letting me keep my energy for dealing with these people." "A smart move. Who knows what'll happen next out here." "Yep. But he's always listening. So don't think he's gone because we don't chat." I stand up and dust off the crumbs. "You ready for this?" "About as ready as one can get." "Try to be a bit more positive about this. It's not like you're the one that'll be getting hurt." "You know I have your back in case things get too bad, right?" "But only when I say so...I don't want you to become a target." "You big softy." "You know it." We do a fist to leaf bump and I make my way into the next area. This spot is rather dark, very little of anything here apart from the brothers and a tile puzzle made of forty-eight deactivated squares that appears to be connected to a strange cracked box looking machine. "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH NYEH! HUMAN!" "Hey, Papyrus. Sup, Sans." "sup, kid." "HUMAN, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS PUZZLE!" "Am I? And why is that?" "BECAUSE IT WAS MADE BY THE GREAT DR. ALPHYS!" "Who?" "the human's never left the ruins, bro. she's never heard of the quack." Papyrus gets a little flustered. "REGARDLESS...YOU SEE THESE TILES !?" "I do." "WELL, ONCE I THROW THIS SWITCH...THEY WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE COLOR!" "Cool." "EACH COLOR HAS A DIFFERENT FUNCTION!" "ya may want to write this down." I look at them funny as Papyrus takes a deep breath. "RED TILES ARE IMPASSABLE! YOU CANNOT WALK ON THEM! YELLOW TILES ARE ELECTRIC! THEY WILL ELECTROCUTE YOU! GREEN TILES ARE ALARM TILES! IF YOU STEP ON THEM, YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT A MONSTER! ORANGE TILES ARE ORANGE- SCENTED. THEY WILL MAKE YOU SMELL FRUITY! BLUE TILES ARE WATER TILES. YOU CAN SWIM THROUGH IF YOU LIKE, BUT IF YOU SMELL LIKE ORANGES THE PIRAHNAS WILL BITE YOU..." "Pause!" He looks angry. "WHAT?" "Piranha? Really? Where the hell did you get piranha? It makes no damn sense." "EXPLAIN?" "Although often described as extremely predatory and mainly feeding on fish, the dietary habits of piranha vary extensively and they will also take plant material, leading to their classification as omnivorous. Which is why I'm not arguing over the whole 'smelling like oranges will get them hungry' thing. My issue with all this is how the flipping fishy fuck do you have piranhas down here. Piranha are a freshwater fish that inhabits South American rivers, floodplains, lakes, and reservoirs. This mountain is not in South America. So either those aren't piranha or they're genetic fakes made to look like them." Papyrus looks at Sans and Sans laughs. "hehehe...i fucking called it. she's such a quack." "*GROWLS* WHATEVER THESE FISH ARE, THE POINT REMAINS THAT THEY WILL ATTACK YOU IF YOU SMELL OF ORANGE." "Understood. Please, continue." "ALSO, IF A BLUE TILE IS NEXT TO A YELLOW TILE, THE WATER WILL ALSO ZAP YOU! PURPLE TILES ARE SLIPPERY! YOU WILL SLIDE TO THE NEXT TILE! HOWEVER, THE SLIPPERY SOAP SMELLS LIKE LEMONS! WHICH THE PIRAHNAS, OR WHATEVER THEY ARE, DO NOT LIKE! SO THAT MEANS PURPLE AND BLUE ARE OK! FINALLY, PINK TILES. THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. STEP ON THEM ALL YOU LIKE. AND PLAID TILES ARE..." "boss, i don't think those were fully installed yet." "REALLY?" "yeah." "FINE...HOW WAS THAT, HUMAN!? WERE YOU ABLE TO UNDERSTAND?" "Red, yellow, and green are bad. Blue is safe as long as it's not next to yellow and I don't touch orange, but it's okay again if I get purple. Purple and pink are fine as well. Did I get that right?" "...YES." "good memory, kiddo." "THEN THERE'S ONLY ONE LAST THING TO MENTION. THIS PUZZLE...IS ENTIRELY RANDOM!" He is way excited about this. I can't help the smile I get thinking he's being cute in an evil maniacal way. "WHEN I PULL THIS SWITCH, IT WILL MAKE A PUZZLE...THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! NOT EVEN I WILL KNOW THE SOLUTION! NYEH HEH HEH! GET READY...!" "Bring it on!" Papyrus turns the machine on and the tiles light up. Slowly they start to flicker between different patterns. The three of us watch and witness dozens or colors flash. "Dear lord...You're lucky I'm not flash sensitive or I'd be having a seizure right now." "ARE THOSE BAD?" "They can kill a person if not handled right." "damn! ya really weren't kidding when ya said humans die easy." "Told you so." The lights speed up faster and faster. I begin to feel a little sick when finally it stops. We all just stare at it. It's insane. The "randomly generated" outcome the machine creates is simply a line of pink tiles bordered by red tiles, which according to the rules, I can walk right across without trouble. "SANS..." "yeah, boss?" "WHAT WERE THE ODDS OF THIS HAPPENING?" Sans goes over to the machine and looks it up. "according to this...the odds were 1 in 36,703,368,217,294,125,441,230,211,032,033,660,188,801." Papyrus balls his fists in bubbling rage and Sans moves away from the machine nervously. "pap, i know what you're thinking...but if ya hit the machine, we'll have to pay alphys for it or do some crazy favor. is that something ya want? do you not remember the cosplay parade? that bitch still has photos hanging over our heads. i ain't about to give her more. are you?" Papyrus seethes. His annoyance is making his bones steam in the icy air. With no real way of venting this rage, he stomps away as I walk over the tiles to stand by Sans. "He looked super pissed." "yeah. i should probably try to calm him down before he offs some random shmuck." He puts his hands in his pockets and starts to leave. "Sans, hold up a sec..." He stops and looks over his shoulder. "what?" I feel nervous about this. But I want this settled. "ya got something to say to me or what?" "I'm sorry." That gets to him and he turns fully to face me. Now even more nervous and hold my arms. "huh?" "I said, I'm sorry. I acted like a bitch. I was cold and pissy. Even when you were trying to show a little, let's for the sake of this say concern because your bro ordered you to heal me, I was still apprehensive about trying to be all nice again with you. I...I didn't know how to handle the stuff you said and I..." "hey, relax. i get it." Is he being cool? But I had so much more to say. "Y-You do?" He rubs the back of his skull. "since ya mentioned it...i...i am willing to admit i might have jumped the gun there earlier. i said some shit i shouldn't have. it's just...this is really awkward and junk." "Oh thank god. *sigh* I thought it was just me." He smirks a bit. "not used to talking about this stuff on your end either?" "Dude, I'm digging my fingers into my arms to keep from freaking out." "kid, i'm doing the same thing. got a stress ball in a death grip in my pocket. might've broke it had we kept going." "Hehehe...We're screwed up, aren't we?" "oh, big time. hehe..." "Hey...um...This might sound silly, but...Could we, maybe, go back to how we were before? Like when we would just be chill at the door." His expression holds some form of worry. "w-w-what do ya mean by 'go back'?" "You know. Go back. Like, how to say this...Like a reset? But on this day." Now he looks like he's about to shit a brick. "So what do you say? Let's wipe this whole indecent between us away and start fresh." I offer my hand to him and he looks at me funny. "what is this?" "Monster, don't you know how to greet a new pal?" His sockets widen before he laughs and takes my hand. "oh man, kiddo...ya really had me going there for a moment." I tilt my head confused and he plays it off. "so this is our reset? heh...ya gonna pants me again?" "Only if you shock me again, skele-dude." "nah. lesson learned the first time." I snicker till loud yelling gets our attention. Seconds later, Lesser Dog runs past us like its life is in danger. "Papyrus?" "yep." "Shall we?" "got nothing better to do." I bow and motion towards the way Papyrus went. "After you, my good sir." "why, thank ya kindly...lynsie." I'm stunned for a moment and he blushes a bit but doesn't let me see for long as he walks away. "come on, kiddo." "You said my name..." "don't mention it." "Awww...Dude, we really are cool!" "again...don't mention it!" I giggle and follow him. Little does anyone know, but the machine comes alive, the screen lit up. "OH NO...THIS SIMPLY WILL NOT DO." A thruster pops out of the bottom of it and it blasts off, rocketing its way back to Hotland. Sans and I are in a weird state of awe. In the area of Lesser Dog's post, the dog appeared to have made many snow versions of itself. Rather impressive things really. But in the venting his rage, Papyrus has been quite relentless in killing the snow-dogs. Numerous sharp bones stab the bodies and the heads have been broken off only to meet the blunt end of Papyrus's fists as he pummels the snow into mush. "I am so dead." "better the snow than you. or me for that matter." "Wait...Does he..." "hit me? not that like, no. a smack to the back of my skull, sure. but nothing that can really hurt me." I don't like the sound of this. "hey, pap! i think it's dead! ya can stop now!" Papyrus pays no attention to us. "he might be at this awhile." "Over a randomly generated puzzle algorithm?" "it's more about that he's having fun playing with ya and the puzzles are like games. but that last game didn't allow him to play, so he's having a fit about it." "Now I can see the young in him. How big is the age difference?" "not much. but he's always been like this. very...what's the word...intense? yeah, that sounds right. when it comes to his emotions, they're always strong." "You must be relieved you have a brother and not a sister." "oh, you have no idea! i don't think i'd be able to handle the mood swings." "Amen, dude." "...aren't you a girl?" "I prefer tomboy. A tomboy is a girl that has characteristics or behaviors considered typical of a boy." "i can see that. the only thing girly about ya it that rack of yours." I shove him into the snow. "Dick!" "...starting to see more of the girl in ya." "Can we get this puzzle stuff over with? I can't stand this cold." "why? is it bone-chilling?" He makes pun of me while getting up and Papyrus slows down a little. "Dude, if I was any colder I'd have ice in my veins." Papyrus stops and just stares. "too bad you're not a skeleton. things like that will just go right through ya." Papyrus summons a bone and slings it like a boomerang into Sans's legs, knocking him over. "what the fuck?!" "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MAKING PUNS WHILE I'M AROUND?" "so now ya can hear us? go figure." Papyrus then aims his glare at me. "YOU! THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. I WILL NOT HARM MY BROTHER FOR HIS JOKES, BUT YOU HOLD NO BOND WITH ME. SO THE NEXT JOKE THAT I HEAR COMING FROM YOU WILL BE YOUR LAST. HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?" I only nod as he took all the words from me. "GOOD. VERY GOOD. SEE, SANS? SHE IS ABLE TO LISTEN." "like the kiddo said before, she ain't a dog." "I KNOW THAT. SHE'S FAR MORE OBEDIENT THAN THESE MUTTS." And just like that, we know for sure that Papyrus is back to his normal douchebag self. "HUMAN! ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE FINAL XOXO PUZZLE?" I help Sans up and then shrug at Papyrus. "I'm as ready for it as I can be." "VERY WELL...SANS." "that's my name, try not to wear it out." "*GROWL* SHOW THE HUMAN THE LAST XOXO PUZZLE. I SHALL GO AND AWAIT YOU BOTH AT THE END OF THE FINAL CHALLENGE." Papyrus takes his leave, passing the last remaining snow-dog and shoving it off the edge of the area into the unknown below while walking away like a boss. "he's so cool." "He's a prick. But a cool one." We stay put for a bit before Sans decides to head to the next area with me close behind. The last XOXO puzzle is massive, taking up 90% of the space. There are only twelve X's this time and no rocks. This one is made entirely on ice. "How in the..." "this one, i'll admit to being the brains behind." "If that's the case, then I'm surprised by that pop quiz you made before." "by the way...how the hell did ya get the answers right on that?" "You made it about Papyrus. I remembered what you'd say about him and took knowing him into account to make my answers." "smart ass." "Flattery will get you everywhere, Sans. Now about the puzzle?" "oh...it's the same as the others. ya gotta step on the x's to make the o's and then hit the switch. but the hard part is, there's no safety net here. if ya slide off the edge, ya fall to who knows where. what ya gotta do is slide from one x to the other without having to slide on an o or result in making that into a triangle. completion of this puzzle creates a bridge that allows ya to slide over to the other side of the area. trying to make it over there without completing the puzzle will have ya falling into the gap." "Okay. So there's a pattern to slide in that won't result in me falling. Give me a moment to see it." "no rush, kiddo. the longer ya take to do this, the longer i don't have to do my job. it's a win-win." He jokes about that, but he ends up watching me think and point my finger as I map out stuff in the air. "cute. what are ya, five?" "...It's a nautilus shell spiral." He flinches. "how did..." "Do ya really have to ask?" He rolls his shoulders and sighs. "go on. do your thing, kid." Starting at the farthest left-side X, I touch it and then slide over to the next X in front of me. From this X, I slide to the X across it on the right and then slide to the one heading back to the safety of the snow. This goes on for some time. Sliding to the left, forward, forward, right, back, left, forward, left again, and then going forward for the last time to hit the switch. All the red O's turn green and land reconnects with the path tunneled by the long black spooky trees. "I did it!" "yay." "Can you repeat that with more feeling?" "yay...you did it. whoopee." "That's just cold." "yeah. it wasn't very ice of me." I snicker. "See ya over on the side?" "ya know it." I give him a wave and push into the strong slide needed to exit the area. And wow am I glad I didn't do a weak slide. This path is long as hell! It feels like it goes on forever. I consider taking a nap until I finally pop out the other side. "hey, kid. what took ya so long?" "No clue. Felt like I'd be sliding forever." "it looks like it too. ya got quite the bunch of snow on your head." "I do?" "hmmm...looks to me like someone plopped a mound of snow as a base, then made a hat, then made a house on top of that, then a dog, and bird tops the whole thing." I eye him funny before feeling my head. Indeed there is a bunch of snow. How the hell did this happen? I try to pick it off me but it crumbles to bits. "Damn it. I wanted to see it." "no worries. i got pictures." "When did you take pictures?" "when i put the snow on ya." I open my mouth to ask another question but hold my tongue. No point in asking stupid questions when I'm dealing with a guy that can teleport. "Good one, buddy. Gotta see those later if that's cool." "sure. but right now, i need ya to do me a quick solid." "Such as?" He points ahead of us and I see a tiny dog sentry post. "this is where greater dog is stationed. while you and pap were puzzling away, i took the liberty of burying him in the snow." "And the problem is?" "while doing that, i drop some money and i really need it back. the issue is...i don't remember exactly where it all is." "How much is there? That way I know how much to look for." "30g." I salute. "Consider your gold already found." "good girl." "Hey, if ya don't mind me asking, but what's over there?" I point to the path going down to my right. "oh down there? nothing really. i mean, there is a mysterious room that nobody can get into. but it's probably some leftover from when the forest was being explored and colonized. other than that, loner monsters hang out there. some of which are out of your league in power, so i'd stay away if i was you." "Understood. Don't go there...yet." "that is not what i said." "I know. But I wanna see that room. So I'll stay away until my HP and DEF are way better. That way, I'll live longer." "you'll live longer by not going there." "But..." "don't. for the sake of the old lady, i want ya to promise, you won't go down there." I bite my lip and sneer. "Damn you and your knowledge of my weakness." He smiles. "it's what i do best. now say it. say ya promise." I sigh in defeat. "I promise you, Sans. I will not go down there." "thank you. now then..." I nod. "I know. I'm on the hunt." I walk forward towards the doghouse and what are multiple mounds of snow, nine to be specific. So I start at the beginning and work my way to the end. [It's a snow poff.] "Not this one." [And this...Is a snow poff.] "Or this one." [This, however, is a snow poff.] "Cute. Very cute." [Surprisingly, it's a snow poff.] "Very funny." [Snow poff...] "Starting to tick me off." [Is it really a snow poff?] "What else would it be, asshole?!" [Behold! A snow poff.] "God damn it!" [Eh? There's 30 G inside this...what is this called?] "Thank you!" I leap with joy and victory. "Hey, Sans! I found...your..." Sans is nowhere to be seen. And odder still is there is one snow poff left. By process of elimination, that is where Greater Dog is buried. Best not deal with any more dog problems, but I can't leave the poor pupper in the snow. I walk past the snow poff and make sure I'm a decent distance away from it before I start my little plan. I gather up some snow and make a heavy ball before hurling it at the mound. The snow poff topples and a tail pops out. Feeling the wind on its fur makes more of the dog dig itself out. Eventually, I see a massive creature that somehow Sans was able to bury completely. Greater Dog is a red-eyed wholly white furred dog. It wears mantle-gray spiked armor, adorned at the wrists are apparently functional snarling dog faces and the spear weapon it holds even has one. This thing is a beast! Or, that's how I saw it as until it fell over. The armor's legs had frozen and I nearly bite my tongue off holding in the giggles. Greater Dog itself looks to be a large breed of dog, but only fills the chest portion of the armor, letting its head and tail stick out while controlling the rest of the suit through unknown means. It's adorable. I want to pet it and give it love. But I know I'd never hear the end of it from Papyrus. So I leave the pupper be before it notices me. Taking the idea of petting out of my head, I return to the path at hand and become puzzled instantly. I'm looking at an incredibly long dangerous bridge, yes. But it's not a bridge. It's been painted to look like a bridge. The rope hand railing is real, but the floor is fake. Nothing makes sense. My paranoia of heights is triggering. I can't move. This lack of movement and overall silence draws Flowey out of the bag. "Lynsie? You okay?" "I looked down." "Huh?" "I looked down!" Flowey looks at what I see. "Wow! We are really high up." "Not helping!" "You...You're really afraid?" I nod rapidly. "But you know you have to cross this, right?" I nod again. "Hmmm...I have an idea. But you really have to trust me on this one." I nod more till vines wrap over my eyes and blind me. "F-Flowey?!" "Calm down. You can't move if you see how high we are. So I'm going to steer you." More vines move my arms out forward and at the feel of rope, I clamp my hands shut tight. "Alright. You hold the rope and step where I tell you." I nod and he slowly has me take small steps. I'm so scared that I'm shaking, but that can also be from the cold finally getting to me. "That's it...A little further...You're doing great..." "I hate this so much!" "Don't worry, I got you. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you." "HUMAN!" Flowey panics and flees into the bag, allowing me to see once more and I am about to lose my freaking mind because I was so close to the end! Sans and Papyrus stand on the other side, blocking me from the town I see not too far away. "THIS IS YOUR FINAL, MOST DRAMATIC, MOST SCARY, MOST DANGEROUS CHALLENGE OF ALL! BEHOLD! THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!" A spiked ball tethered by chains, two spears, an annoyed dog, an oil drum fire pit, and an old looking cannon appear to be aimed at my shivering form. "WHEN I SAY THE WORD, IT WILL FULLY ACTIVATE! CANNONS WILL FIRE! SPIKES WILL SWING! BLADES WILL SLICE! EACH PART WILL SWING VIOLENTLY UP AND DOWN! ONLY THE TINIEST CHANCE OF VICTORY WILL REMAIN! ARE YOU READY!? I! AM! ABOUT! TO DO IT!" I can't move. I can't make myself move. I'm too frightened to move. All I can do is watch and wait for certain death to hit me. Yet...Nothing happens. Sans takes notice. "well? what's the holdup?" Papyrus flinches. "HOLDUP!? WHAT HOLDUP!? I'M...I'M ABOUT TO ACTIVATE IT NOW!" I can't stand this tension! I drop to my knees unable to keep my legs stiff enough to stand. "that, uh, doesn't look very activated, boss." "WELL! THIS CHALLENGE! IT SEEMS...*SIGH* I CAN'T DO THIS." "boss?" "LOOK AT HER, SANS. SHE'S PETRIFIED. IT WOULD TOO EASY TO DEFEAT THE HUMAN LIKE THIS. NO...NO, IT WON'T BE ANY FUN AT ALL. WE CAN'T USE THIS ONE! I AM A SKELETON WITH STANDARDS! MY PUZZLES ARE VERY FAIR! AND MY TRAPS ARE EXPERTLY COOKED! BUT THIS METHOD IS TOO DIRECT! NO CLASS AT ALL! AWAY IT GOES!" On the command, the instruments of death go back to wherever they came from. "SANS, WHY IS SHE STILL FRIGHTENED? THE DEATH TRAPS ARE GONE." "i think she has a fear of heights, bro." "*SCOFF* REDICULOUS...HUMAN, THIS BRIDGE LOOKS DANGEROUS, BUT IT'S VERY STABLE. IN FACT, IT'S JUST A ROCK FORMATION I PAINTED OVER. I THINK IT LOOKS MORE DRAMATIC THAT WAY. I ADDED THE ROPE, TOO. FOR A MORE REALISTIC FLARE." "i don't think that matters." "DON'T WUSS OUT ON US NOW! YOU ARE LITERALLY RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE TOWN!" "Fuck you! I'm not moving!" I couldn't move even if I tried. Papyrus doesn't like this response. "SANS...I AM BECOMING DISAPPOINTED." Sans gets nervous. "h-h-hang on a sec, pap. i'm sure we can work something out." "WELL...LIKE WHAT?" Sans starts to sweat profusely. "uh...um..." "LOOK, I WAS EXCITED TO PLAY THIS LITTLE GAME OF PUZZLES AND SUCH SO THAT I COULD HAVE A GLORIOUS BATTLE FOR THE HUMAN'S SOUL AND PROVE TO ALL THAT I AM THE GREATEST ROYAL GUARDSMAN! BUT ALL THE TIME I PUT INTO THESE PUZZLES...IT'S KIND OF LIKE THROWING A WILD PARTY..." "without traps and fire?" "EXACTLY! IT'S POINTLESS! MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE LAZY ABOUT PUZZLES." "m-me? right about something? really?" "YEAH! WHAT AM I SAYING?! YOU'RE STILL COMPLETELY WRONG! FLAMES AND VIOLENCE ARE THE ONLY REAL WAY TO DO PUZZLES!" Are they having a weird brother moment? "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?" "Nothing." "THAT'S IT...I'M ENDING IT. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW." Papyrus holds out his hand and his eyes begin to black out, though the left starts to flare red. "pap! wait! you can't kill her!" "WHY THE HELL NOT?!" "because!" "BECAUSE WHY?! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T OBLITERATE HER!" "b-because...because...um..." Sans looks at me, down on all fours and scared like a small animal. That's when an idea comes to him. "you can't kill her because...it would be what undyne is expecting you to do." "WHAT?" "think about it, bro. we're all trained to kill humans. what's so cool about that? but capturing a human and turning it against its own kind? now that would be impressive and an incredible show of skill." Papyrus lowers his hand and his white eyes return. "YOU HAVE MY INTEREST. EXPLAIN FURTHER." "just look at her, pap. she's a prime human with decent stats and almost no LV. think of the potential. with enough training, i bet she'd make a fairly decent pet." "HMMM...AND WHAT IF SHE TRIED TO BITE THE HAND THAT TRAINS HER? HUMANS ARE DEADLY, SANS. EVEN THE WEAK ONES." "that's the kicker, she's a pacifist! even if she lashes out there'll be no intent. it'll be like getting scratched by a kitten." "I DON'T KNOW..." "you can smash this in undyne's face and gloat that you did something that she never could." "SOLD! HUMAN! I HAVE DECIDED YOUR FATE. YOU WILL BECOME THE PET OF THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS!" I want to make a snide remark but I am too focused on not blacking out from stress to care. "SANS, GO GET THE HUMAN AND BRING HER TO THE HOUSE. I'LL GO READY THE CAPTURE ZONE FOR IT'S NEW PRISONER." "you mean the shed?" DON'T UNDERMIND THE CAPTURE ZONE! AFTER ALL...IT'S WHERE SHE'LL BE STAYING." "you're right, bro. and when you're right, you're right." "DAMN RIGHT! THIS WAS ANOTHER DECISIVE VICTORY FOR THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS! NYEH! HEH! HEH HEH!" Papyrus heads into town with renewed vigor and Sans sighs heavily with relief. "holy crap...heh...that was WAY to close. you don't even want to know what he was about to do to you." Sans looks at me and I'm bleeding out my nose. "kiddo?" "Too...much...stress..." "the fuck is happening?" "Gonna...pass...out..." My head is spinning and the dizziness takes hold. Sans comes running when my head smacks the floor. I feel him grab me and even shake me, but that's it. Everything shuts off for me in a matter of seconds.

[queennicoleinboots]

Office Woes, part 3 (Michael the Great Arc Angel POV)

My job is stressful even on lunch breaks. Karens overran Publix, and one turned into a pterodactyl. I flew the Annie's macaroni and cheese, onions, and jalapenos to La Bamba in hopes that the Taco Mac would be available again. Speaking of Taco Mac, I saw Colonel Mac and Xara shopping for Taco Mac ingredients as well. I knew that I was going to attend that party the minute someone says "Taco Mac with Colonel Mac."

PeeWee Herman screamed twice upon my arrival.

"Apparently, you ordered Taco Mac," I said.

"Yes, I did!" PeeWee Herman said. "But this batch won't be with Colonel Mac." He and everyone in the restaurant screamed. "That party is later tonight!"

I screamed. "I am aware!" I shouted as I flew into the kitchen to hand the cooks the ingredients.

"Thank you. Did you wash your hands?" the cook asked.

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" I asked. "I only take four showers a day on a regular basis. On Swamp Ass days, make that 10!"

"Point taken! Thank you for saving the day, Michael the Great Arc Angel!" the cook said as he began to cook again.

"You are welcome. It is what I do!" I shouted as I left the building to go back to work.

When I walked in the office, the first thing I heard from a fat black female pig was, "DIS BITCH!" She even bobbled her head after she spoke and had her elbow out on the desk.

It took the power of Ahayah to stop me from bursting out laughing. That was by far the funniest thing that had happened so far that day.

When she got off the phone, the other pigs started answering the phone with "DIS BITCH" instead of "Dispatch." Pigs in Georgia don't know how to talk correctly.

I literally went in my office, closed my cubicle, and laughed my ass off for a few minutes. In the middle of my laughing fit, the printer started printing E-mails with "Dis Bitch" as the subject line. I chuckled as I passed the papers along to those bitches at Disbitch.

The pigs were oinking up a storm and laughing.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel walked through the door and sat at her desk. She chuckled as she heard the pigs oink "Dis Bitch" over and over again. She was crunching numbers because she was the head accountant of our department. Her math skills were impeccable. Savants couldn't hold a candle to her.

After an hour or so of hearing "Dis Bitch" nonstop, Melissa the Great Arc Angel and I could not take anymore. We flew back in the breakroom and started rolling in the floor laughing.

"I CAN'T EVEN THINK!" she shouted as she laughed hysterically and started crying. "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

I wanted to throw in a George Floyd reference, but it would be too soon. I laughed so hard that I communicated to her in laugh language.

She laughed in different pitches to tell me, "This day is too much."

Ned also walked in the break room to laugh. He added bleats. "I can't do it!" He shouted and burst into laughter.

A bunch of big black woman pigs walked in the break room with stressed out looks on their faces. They were bobbing their heads non-stop.

The biggest one went for the coffee before she started bitching. "Giiiiirllll, these phones be acting cray today!"

"I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT! If I get one more phone call about someone weavin' through traffic screaming 'Move Bitch get out the way,' I'mma act a fool," another pig said as she also bobbed her head side to side as she talked.

"For real! I am sick n tired of getting phone calls about someone bein set on fire! That be cray cray!" another chimed in.

"I get phone calls about these nibbas breaking they fire extinguishers! You know they be stupid," the fourth big pig said.

"Okurrrrrr!!!!" they shouted as they took turns drinking coffee.

"I know if I wasn't getting PAID, I wouldn't be doing this job!" a hairy female pig shouted in a deep voice as she bobbed her head back and forth.

"I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!" the second pig shouted.

"Ah hell no!" the third pig said with attitude as she added an extra bobble to her head and sucked her teeth.

Those bitch pigs sucked on their teeth to communicate.

"Excuse me. Could you share a moment to hear the back story of how Michael the Great Arc Angel and I met?" Melissa the Great Arc Angel asked with a huge smile on her face.

"Depends. Any new hires in this room?" the first big pig asked with attitide as she bobbled her head and swayed her hip.

We looked around to make sure no new hires were in the room. A goat who looked like Will Ferrel walked in, and he has been working here for eight years. He bleated.

"SHUT THAT DOOR!" I commanded.

The Will Ferrel Goat shut the door behind him and made himself a cup of coffee.

"No," I said.

"Yeh. Let's hear it. It can't be any crazier than the shit we be hearing today," the first pig said.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel and I laughed.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel then went to tell the story, and Gaelic elven music played in the background:

"Michael the Great Angel and I met during the midst of the Black Plague in 1349. I was the tax collecting angel until I was recruited by the Knights Templar to heal the sick. I was assigned to work with MichaeI the Great Arc Angel. He was a War Cleric and trainer of recruits into the order. I was merely assigned to be a War Cleric, mostly because of the way I work with board games, teaching them, rules checking, and how my mind operates to overcome challenges in those environments."

I sang in Gaelic before I added, "I WAS IMPRESSED, but before we could save humanity as we knew it, we made small angel talk. And I asked how she battled."

Melissa the Great Arc Angel added swiftly, "I said, 'I will show thee!,' as I descended down to the streets and got into battle stance."

I shouted, "And I said, 'Let's dance, KNAVE!' as I got into battle stance." I bobbed my head and got into battle stance.

The pigs oinked and boobed their heads.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel got into battle stance. "And we screamed at each other for five minutes."

I spoke with strength, "And then we fought as though we fought to death."

Melissa the Great Arc Angel spoke, "It was a challenge. We fought for hours until there was some sexual tension."

I cleared my throat dramatically. "Excuse me, ladies, but I admit I was worked up. I was ready to do battle without armor and swords and truly show off my muscles!"

"I AM WORKED UP!!!" the Will Ferrel goat shouted and bleated.

The pigs bobbed their heads and oinked quickly.

A goat that looked like Oswald Patton bleated and was ready for battle. "AHHH!!! I'm worked up, too! I have had five red bills and 10 lines of cocaine! I'm up for any challenge!"

Ned bleated loudly.

The pigs oinked loudly and bobbed their heads.

"How about the challenge of keeping the door closed! I'm in the middle of a back story" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted as the break room started to shake.

The pigs leaned their heads back and just stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel with wide eyes.

"So, we removed our armor and helmets. But something bad happened!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel spoke dramatically.

I coughed, "BULLSHIT!"

"I noticed then the Michael the Great Arc Angel was bald!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said with wide eyes.

Everyone just stared at her like she was crazy.

The first pig said, "So?" as she curled her nose up.

"I REQUIRE a mane for me to run my fingers through. When I saw that he was bald, I was rubbing his head and felt in horror that not a single HAIR was on his head. My mind had been scarred," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said as her heart beated loudly in her chest.

"I HAD NEVER FELT SO INSULTED IN MY LIFE! So, I explained to her that hair disrupts my connection with MY angelic spirit communication. I explained that no one in my family has hair. It's an insult to my heritage!" I explained.

"THEN I EXPLAINED THAT MY ERROGENOUS ZONES were in my fingers!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said loudly.

Ned, the Will Ferrell goat, and the Patton Oswald Goat then tried to brush against her fingers.

"Men, please. I am trying to tell a story!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said as she put her sword in her sheath and folded her arms across her large chest.

"This may be TMI for you, but then I showed her my monis pubis," I said as I stared directly at Melissa the Great Arc Angel.

"This may be TMI for you, but then I WAS INSULTED. I screamed, 'HOW DARE YOU TRIM YOUR PUBIC HAIR!!!!' Then I tugged at what little hair there was and felt teased," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

"It was TMI," I said as I stared at her.

"I have to announce that there is sexual tension in this room," the goat that looked like Will Ferrell said.

"So we stared at each other naked for a few minutes before I suggested we release sexual tension with a sword fight," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

"I HAD TWO SWORDS!" I shouted.

"AND I HAD TWO SHIELDS!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted.

"Do you need to have that naked sword fight now?" the Will Ferrell goat asked.

"NO!" we both shouted as the Will Ferrell goat was blown back.

"In fact, we vowed NEVER to do THAT again," I said.

"AND THEN WE WENT IN A TAVERN TO DRINK COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ALE AND ATE FOUR HOGS ON A SPIT!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said with excitement.

I looked away awkwardly and hissed through my teeth.

"Exnay on the gohnay," Ned said to Melissa the Great Arc Angel as he nudged her.

The pigs stared at her and oinked loudly.

"E'cu me, bitch!" the hairy female pig said as she bobbed her head. "Why you eating pigs!"

"Relax. I don't eat pigs anymore. We angels are FORBIDDEN to eat pigs because of Leviticus, the third book in the Old Testament of the King James Bible. In 1349, we weren't limited on what we could eat," Melissa the Great Arc Angel explained.

"So YOU people had eaten our ancestors," the second pig said as she stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel with narrowed eyes and bobbed her head.

"YES! And we have repented!" I shouted. "I must also add that Melissa the Great Arc Angel likes BEEF tacos as well!"

"So, because you are angels, I must beg the question. Do you follow 1 Corinthians Chapter 14: 33-37?" the goat that resembled Oswald Patton asked.

I spoke to answer that question, "The Knights Templar is a unique organization that does not use gender but merit to determine hierarchy. She is a peer, on the same level as I, since we are BOTH War Clerics. We are both front line fighters and also capable of performing in a support role."

"So, are you guys 'New age'?" the goat who looked like Oswald Patton asked.

"The Knights Templar is independent of Ahayah's word," I said. "We were fallen angels before we repented, truth be told."

"So yes?" the goat who looked like Oswald Patton clarified.

"Technically, yes," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said. "I was a fallen angel specifically BECAUSE of 1 Corinthians Chapter 14: 33-37. I am a strong woman who MUST speak when I have opinions."

The pigs oinked and bobbled their heads.

"WHEN I REMINISCENCE ABOUT THE BLACK PLAGUE, I think back to when I played Dungeons & Dragons and how much I miss it. The versions I played (3.5e) didn't include many options for battle clerics, but the newer ones (5e) do! I could actually BE a legitimate front line holy archangel class as a paladin or cleric, perhaps even multiclass into both depending on how things work out in my daily work life," I shouted to stomp out the gender war that was about to occur in this break room.

The pigs all blinked and oinked.

"Daaaaaayyyyyyuuuuum! That WAS crazy!" the first pig said as she whipped her head.

"Shit, y'all would have ate us were we back in them times!" the second pig said as she sucked on her teeth.

"You are correct," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

"But we are no longer in those times," I said. "We are not allowed to eat pork. It is not kosher. According to Leviticus, the third book in the Old Testament of the Bible, pork is an unclean meat."

"Bbboooooyyyyyy! You know that's right!" the first pig said as she ripped off her skirt, turned around, and started shaking her big pig booty. Her tail was wagging excitedly.

The other female pigs ripped their skirts/dresses off and shaking their pig booties.

Ned and the goat who looked like Will Ferrell stared at them with a smile and bleated loudly.

"Oh my God no! I am not a lesbian! I am not a lesbian! Holy Shit I'm not a lesbian. I. Am. Not. A. Lesbian! Excuse me! I have numbers to crunch!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said quickly as she flew out of the break room.

"I'm sorry, ladies. But I am still at WORK, and I only like white meat," I said as I took my cup of coffee.

The first big black pig turned around and stared at me with her brown eyes. "So you racist?" she asked as she bobbled her head around and shook her hips.

"Lady, I am at work. This is not the time to start a race war," I said as I started to walk out of there.

"You done started it," she said as she started walking toward me.

"No ma'am. I did not," I said as I stared her down.

"Yes, you did," she stared at me and put her hooves on her hips.

"No, bitch, I did not," I said as I straightened my back and puffed my chest out. "You walked in this room and started talking."

"So we ain't allowed to talk now because we ain't white and we female?" she said as she widened her eyes.

"I did not say that, ma'am," I said as I stood my ground.

"Don't you MA'AM ME, MOTHA FUCKA! YOU DONE STARTED IT BACK IN MEDIEVAL TIMES WHEN Y'ALL DONE ATE PORK!" she shouted as she got closer to me.

The other pigs started screaming, oinking, and cursing at me.

"Ladies, please! Your points are valid, but this is not the time to discuss it!" Ned shouted with a bleat.

The fifth pig walked over to him and put her booty in his face. Ned slapped her booty before he slipped her panties to the side and stuck his goat cock inside of her. She oinked with every thrust.

The goat that looked like Will Ferrell then stuck his junk in the hairy pig. She squealed loudly.

"We have learned our lesson since then. I have repented," I said as I looked directly at the first pig.

"But you won't touch me because I'm dark," she said as she stared at me and blinked at me once.

"Correct. All dark pigs are off limits. It's the code of male Arc Angels," I said.

She oinked in frustration. There was mutiny in the office. There was only one thing I could do.

I opened the door to the break room and shouted, "CODE 5 to MALE PIGS! I repeat! Code 5 to MALE PIGS!

The male pigs came rushing to the break room and oinked like crazy.

The fat, black female pigs in the room took off their underwear, got on all fours, and oinked.

I flew the fuck out of there because I did not want to witness what was occurring in the break room at that point. I went to my office and stayed there.

Their oinks could be heard around the whole office. The remaining personnel on dispatch answered the phone "Dis Bitch." Second shift dispatch had monkeys and rabbits as the staff.

Another printer was jamming up.

"You son of a bitch," I said as I turned the machine off and on.

[lostrosza-blog]

Feelings and entries

1-12-2017 I only had part of a biscuit today! I'm starting to see that my hair is falling out now... I can't touch my hair without it falling out. This reminds me of the last few months of senior year in high school when I couldn't even run my hands threw it without pulling quite a lot of strands. 1-18-2017 Today I weighed 122.2 pounds... I hadn't lost anything or gained anything... I still felt so good. A lot better than I have for a while. Closer to perfection. I can see the bones in my hands and my collar bones are sticking out. I can start to see my chest bones too. My rib cage is still a work-in-progress but it's getting there. If I lay down, my rib cage and hip bones stick out a little bit. I felt super accomplished. I did so well today until 4 pm... I hate myself for binging. I wanted to purge so bad but it usually takes a long time. I also binged on pizza, which would have been almost impossible to purge since it clumps. I didn't even drink water with each bite. I was so hungry though... I cried... That's the second time this week that I've cried or been super close to crying from being so hungry. This weekend, I binged on rice. I didn't even realize I was hungry until I saw food. As I was eating the rice, it was like I couldn't shove it in my mouth fast enough. It doesn't even make sense. Even after the binge from tonight, I still felt cold. What is happening?? I don't understand. And I don't want Ana, but I need Ana. I'm trying to get rid of her. But I'll never get rid of her if I keep on eating. I hope if I gain weight from the binge, it goes away fast. I had 32 pounds left to go today but I fucked it up by eating. I hate myself. 1-24-2017 Today I am 119 pounds, 2 pounds lighter than yesterday. It feels so good. At this rate, I'm losing about 2 pounds a day. If I keep this up, I could probably be around 111 by Friday! There are really no words for my excitement... I can't really see my progress though. I step on the scale 4 times just to make sure that I'm seeing the number correctly because I don't believe it. I notice that my weight has dropped, but it's not enough.... Not my legs, thighs, hips, stomach, arms, hands, Ribcage, back, chest bones, collar bones. They aren't enough. I wonder when they are going to be bony enough, perfect... I wonder when the voice inside my head will go away. My thoughts are very conflicted and confusing. I want to be perfect so bad. But I know that what I am doing isn't healthy. I understand that. And I want help. But I don't. How could I even explain to someone? I have tried. I told my boyfriend, two roomies, and one guy friend. But they all don't understand. They seem to get this look when they look at me like I'm damaged. I won't deny that I am, but it's degrading. And the voice in my head questions me whenever I mention this situation to anyone. I am a little bit scared. I stay up at night, just scared that one moment, my heart may just stop. A lot lately, it feels pressure and sometimes It feels like someone is squeezing my heart. But I can't stop. It's funny. People think that you can just pull yourself out of ED all by yourself. It's not like that. They say, "just eat" (which is actually quite insulting by the way). It doesn't work like that. I wish it did. I don't wanna feel cold, get sick so easily, get migraines, feel nauseous, weak, lightheaded, faint, fatigued all the time. As much , if not more than I want these physicasualties of the war in my head to go away, I crave them. If I don't feel cold, get headaches, have sunken eyes, etc... Where are my signs that I'm winning, achieving something, getting closer to perfection? It's not good enough. I want to sleep normally again. My thoughts of anxiety keep me up. "It's really cold. What will the scale say tomorrow? Will I be lighter? How much will I lose tomorrow? What will tomorrow look like? Will my Ribcage and hip bones finally start to stick out tomorrow like I want? Will I get a headache or faint tomorrow? My heart hurts again. I hope it doesn't just stop. When will I be perfect and lovable to someone? Will I genuinely hate myself tomorrow? Will I feel like killing myself tomorrow? How much more sick do I have to get? When will all of this stop?" That's just a brief dialog on how my thoughts go at night. I worry and hold my heart a lot. Sometimes it gets hard to breath. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. So it keeps me up. I'm almost afraid sometimes that if I fall asleep, my heart will just stop. Whenever I gain fear though, it's only lost within minutes or seconds with my other anxieties about numbers. If I do fall asleep though, I'm only woken up several times during the night. I don't know what else to say, except I'm tired... 1-25-2017 Woke up today at 4 am. Worst pain ever. I was shaking so much, it was more like trembling, the most intense beyond imagination pain and nausea in my stomach, hot flashes to the point of sweating, heart beats faster than if I had run nonstop for an hour, couldn't breathe, faint and weak (I thought I was gonna collapse)... All signs that I'm winning. Ate too much today though... Five hundred calories... Sadness. Gonna make myself burn 1,000 calories tomorrow and the next day. 1-27-2017 Keep on feeling dizzy and struggling to keep myself standing, but I never collapse/faint. I can hardly focus anymore. Heart is not well. I hope it doesn't give up. I can't stop. Everyday gets worse. Not sure how to stop. And stupid bitch keeps being controlling, rude, and disrespectful. I want to punch her in the throat. I hate her. And I wish that stupid ass dudes who I hardly even know would stop hitting on me and trying to flirt with me. It's annoying af, especially when they touch me period. I'm fucking done. Good fucking bye. -Later- Need to start working on legs tomorrow and all week so that I can get a thigh gap and so the outsides near the hips aren't so round. I just hope that through that, I don't gain muscle weight. Decided to go strictly vegan and gluten free until next Saturday... Just so weight loss is even more rapid. I need to lose sugar too, but with the exception of honey which is less calories for my rice cakes. I'll set up a plan in both of my intake and exercise log in books so I don't forget. Maybe will write reminders on my hand too. Purging early through lax as soon as possible when schedule allows. Just realizing right now, my hands have gotten tiny! Yay. :) they look dry though, but tiny, perfect. 1-28-2017 This morning I looked at my stomach and hip bones. My stomach was really flat and my hip bones were really sticking out. Perfection. I hate myself for eating. I want to die. Officially going to go strictly vegan and gluten free for a week or fucking forever and see how much I lose. Going to exercise more and lax officially tomorrow. Strictly 200 calories a day or less than that's . No more than that. I am scared to step on the scale tomorrow. I hate myself so much. Maybe if I did things right... Perfect. Maybe I'd actually like myself and want to live and people would like me. Wtf was I thinking when I told the 3 people that I told, that I have an eating problem?? I don't. I'm to fat to have an eating problem. I'm fucking crazy I guess. I want to cry. I'm alone. I'm such a disappointment. So disgusting. Can't even fucking please myself. Every time I even make one mistake, no one wants to talk to me I want to die. 1-30-2017 My weight dropped over 2 pounds in one day which was really good. Today I was 119.4. Hoping for less tomorrow. Want to make it to 115 or lower by the end of the week. Yesterday was a complete success in fasting. Today I only had 1 apple sauce, I half Apple, 2 slice of an orange, and a small bite of a cake today. I'm pretty sure that is under 100 calories so I'm very happy. Not sure how restrictions are going to be tomorrow. Depending on tomorrow's weight, I want to employ the apple rule, where you cut an apple into 8 slices and eat 2 at every mealtime and 2 for a snack. This will trick my body into thinking that I eat regularly, thus suppressing hunger. Other than that, there is always salted ice and peppermint tea, which also suppresses hunger. Maybe I could put a tiny bit of honey or cinnamon on the apple for flavor. If I can do that tomorrow, that's only 50 calories. I originally planned on 2 rice cakes and an apple sauce for tomorrow, but I think that I can restrict 1 more day. Just until I get to the 116-117 range. Then a rice cake or 2 with 30 calories of honey would be ok, but it's not now. Complete fasting is absolutely euphoric. There are no words to explain the happiness it is to accomplish an entire day of absolutely no eating. I've come close many times, but I think I will continue more. It is extremely easy now. 1-31-2017 Today I weighed 116.8 pounds which is good progress. In one on this time, I have lost almost 18 pounds. I can't wait until I'm 100-105 pounds. That will be pretty easy in consideration that restricting is getting easier now. It's 11:30 AM and I have only eaten 4 slices of an apple with a tiny bit of honey and 4 small bites of Tzatziki chicken. I wish I could scream. When people notice, they try to figure me out. Nothing is wrong with me. It's just that sometimes I don't eat... I'm fine. I swear, I've never been better. They tell me that I need to eat. They tell me that I can't just go without eating. Then they continue to tell me what to eat. Sometimes, they try and educate me on the health risks, but my fear of my health is only replaced after a few seconds or minutes by what tomorrow is going to look like. They don't understand. I have gone so many days without eating almost anything at all. And I feel fine. I love it. My mind is at peace when I do everything right, perfect. I don't need food. I don't understand or recognize food or hunger anymore. I don't understand how someone could eat 3 meals a day... It just confuses me. That's a ton of food. I was working in the dining hall/cafeteria today. The staff cook who is the boss wanted me to come up with a sauce to go with shredded chicken to go in a wrap. I had a hard time figuring one out. I've trained my mind to not even think about food. Then as I was prepping the wraps that were for students, the cook staffs were trying to figure out what to make for the next meal. They were even trying to figure out meals for the weekend. This confused me. I didn't understand how they could be so obsessed with food. And even before I even went up to the dining hall, my instructor told me to grab some food, a banana in particular when I got up there. She had told me that I need to eat yesterday. I understand that she wants me to eat, maybe she's worried, but I can't "just eat." I just can't. And I wish people would stop saying that to me because it's like I can't just reply "I can't." Then they'd ask me a lot of uncomfortable questions and then I'd have to feed them a bunch of bullshit lies which would make me feel bad. They wouldn't understand even if I told the truth. They'd look at me like I'm damaged. Then they'd worry and I don't want anyone to worry about me. 2-2-2017 Yesterday I got medically separated from school for an eating disorder. I don't know what to do with myself. Mom took me straight to the ER in the hospital. I am an in-patient now. I'm in one of the highest levels of the building. The room is alright. Actually pretty nice and clean. Not sure if I'm in a specific ward for ED. I don't know the number today. I don't know. Ana is angry. With me. I got close, but my whale self failed. How am I Anorexic and still my CNA and nurses are tinier than me?? The nurse is bringing up food and drinks for me to have. She sits there until I'm done. She made me have orange juice this morning. Estimated 120 calories. Too much. Whale self.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:13am

Wew

I am fucking exhausted. Somehow yesterday was more tiring than V-day. I didn’t do that much. I did do a fair amount of flying around at top speed though. At one point I straight up forgot I had a job on me for like almost an hour. They called me on the radio like “yo did you take that up” and I was like “yeahhhhh???” and then I checked my bag and it was still in there. So I flew up to the state building in like 5 minutes, maybe the fastest I’ve ever done that run. Most of the rest of the day was chill though. Started out with a north flower. Then just state work.

My stomach is very unhappy with me right now. Haven’t had breakfast yet. HRT has made me hungry allllllll the time. I used to be able to not eat for a whole day. Like if I didn’t have money or I was in the middle of a 24-hour panic attack and couldn’t leave the house. I could just sit there and not eat. After starting mess work I needed at least a slice of pizza or a burger but not much else.

Now I wake up practically doubled over in hunger and can’t go even a few hours without some kind of food. Yesterday A recommended these beef bulgogi bowls they sell at one of our standby spots. He was like “it’s 6 bucks and enough for 2 meals.” I ate the entire thing in like 5-10 minutes. After having already had something from the chicken and waffle spot an hour or two earlier. My ass is gonna be huge lmao.

I’m also just not feeling very upbeat in general, like I was saying I’m exhausted. Some mornings I wake up and already feel good. Today is not one of those days. I don’t think I’m going to do any work this weekend. I’m just going to lay in bed and try to recover from the insanity that was this week.

Payday today so that’s nice, I checked earlier and it’s already in there from direct deposit. Bossman hasn’t been taking the payments for the phone so it doesn’t look as fat as it would otherwise. But it’s still a good amount. Still waiting on the tax return. IRS must really be struggling to adapt to the new rules set by the republican tax reform legislation. 

My goal for today is to just stay relaxed, try not to let my physical condition allow me to get agitated. I did that a bit yesterday and it wasn’t cool. After work we went to the park where the local punks chill, not far from my house. There was a lot more people there than I thought would be. Like probably 20-25. I didn’t say much, just rolled a fat J and smoked it with the messfam and then drank some Bulleit and left.

I think I’ll put on some of my beats or something and maybe that’ll liven me up a bit. So glad I remembered to charge my speaker last night, I recall doing that right before I passed out. I’m looking at buying some audio equipment to try to get started on a real recording setup, probably some XLR mics, a pre-amp, some sound paneling. I just learned about how to use Audacity’s noise reduction features. I had no idea it could do that. That will probably help my voice sound a lot better.

Fuck.... did I even dose last night? Holy shit I didn’t.

FUCK!

Wowwwww.

Ok I’m not going to freak out. This was a stupid mistake that won’t happen again. Forgetting an E dose is not as bad as forgetting spiro. But Jesus Christ. OK. I need to change something to prevent this. I even left the park at 8pm so I could make it back here in time, knowing it would be too weird trying to hide a dose in front of all those people. Fuuuuuuck. Well I feel really stupid now, that’s a great way to start my day. I not only forgot to drop a package for almost an entire hour, I also forgot my PM dose. Good job. Wow.

I’m gonna say no more chilling after work for a while. Straight home. I’ll say I’m getting serious about music, I have to go home to work on music. If I manage to complete my doses correctly for a couple weeks or whatever then we’ll see what happens then. It was just so nice out. But wow. Wowwwwwwww. I had it on me that whole time.

mfw:

edit: lmao and I just realized my front wheel is flat, I rode it home like that last night

oh and I’m out of the good disposable razors

fml

[lazyphiladelphiareviews]

Lazy Philadelphia Review: Hikari Sushi

Sup. I am Elliot and this is a lazy Philadelphia review about the sushi restaurant called Hikari. It is so lazy that I didn’t even capitliaze correctly the name of this blog, or web series or whatever this is. Also didn’t bother to spell capitalize correctly. That is the kind of review this is gonna be.

So it has been awhile since I have done a restaurant review here. Why? That is none of your business.

Okay so let’s get into it.

Hikari is a sushi place in my neighborhood where I live. It is the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia which used to be cool but is now only cheap yet somehow expensive new construction inhabited by loud entitled yupster assholes arguing with each other in online message boards about dog shit and bicycle theft.

So like I used to go to this other sushi place in my neighborhood but then this guy started working there who used to be a cashier at my local bodega, like ten years ago, and I don’t want him to recognize me and be like “how you been” so I just stopped going there entirely and needed a new sushi place.

So this place Hikari is on the other side of my neighborhood but it is under new management and I wasn’t doing anything Sunday night except fucking off until the Eagles game so I was like I should go try it.

I had been there before. It was fine. But like I said, I needed to get away from this guy who was going to try to like...ask me how ive been, so I was willing to give it another shot. I had heard it is under new management or whatever. So I went out and got a couple expensive fancy Japanese beers and walked there, which was a bad idea because I was basically wearing pajamas and it is December. But if you think I am going to put on pants on a Sunday you better think again, kemosabe. 

Ok so I went in and sat at the sushi bar and was greeted by the chef. He did not speak English. This is a picture of him i found on the internet.

So the first thing he did was basically fangirl over the beers I brought in, which he had never seen before, and quite frankly im not sure he had ever seen beer itself before because he was ASTOUNDED that I could somehow get Japanese beers into America, of all places, but then told me that I should be drinking Whiskey instead, and I was like relax bro it’s Sunday night and I still have the Leaving Las Vegas shakes from Friday night let’s downshift a gear.

Ok so I need to repeat the fact to you that this man does not speak English. I am not judging in any way whatsoever, but it is definitely part of the experience when you are sitting there trying to make conversation with a dude who is touching your food with his bare hands and holding a knife, so you need to try to understand him, but it is very difficult, like I would pick up one word per sentence and try to piece it all together. It is like when you are talking to a really beautiful girl in a bar but she already had 5 double Titos and Seltzer and she just wants to text her ex but she knows she shouldn’t but you know what she is going to do it because it doesn’t bother her anymore and he doesn’t even mean anything and Jason like doesn’t even exist to her anymore and its fine, no seriously its fine. Its fine. Its fine! Its fine. Shes fine. Shes fine. Shes totally fine. Jason fucked her over and it is his loss and seriously it is fine.

So anyways you gotta be that guy just standing there trying to be polite but really just wanting to get away. From the girl, not the sushi chef. I was v hungry.

So the first thing he said was something about appetizers and I was like hell ya dude so he produced some pork and chive dumplings that were excellent. Seriously they were great.

Oh shit I almost forgot to describe the inside. It is small. There is only a few tables and there are girls wearing black shirts who are the wait staff. There is some like, remixed 90’s dream pop playing over the speakers, which is great if you like to listen to Portishead while eating dangerous sea creatures.

Ok so I don’t know if you knew this about me but I do not eat mayo. I think it is like sour devil jizz of the devil and I do not fuck with it under any circumstances. So when I was ordering my sushi combo I was like do not give me any of that spicy mayo I wont stand for it, so make it like plain tuna rolls w my combo or whatever…

Basically what I am trying to say here is that I was being very particular (demanding) with this poor man who is just trying to make an honest living.

So then my food came out and like, instead of the mayo tuna roll, he had replaced it with an eel roll, which is something that I had mentioned earlier that I liked. I didn’t even ask for it. He just read my mind. Ok well I had mentioned it earlier so its not like he is psychic but he obviously understood me WAY better than I understood him, which is not easy because I am from Worcester Massachusetts and our accent isn’t described by anyone to be delicate whatsoever.

The Worcester accent is like if the Boston accent drank nine 4LOKOS and somebody brought up the fact that they think Tom Brady isn’t the best of all time. It is like the words beat the shit out of each other within my mouth and then come out all bruised up with child services on their ass.

Ok so since I am fat, that food, which is enough food for 2 people so far, was not enough for me so I was like “can I get an octopus roll too?” and he was like sure. So then he really got to work.

Here is the thing about octopi. They are super smart and can change colors and solve puzzles. I love them. But they are hideous looking so throw those tentacles on some rice and let’s party. No mayo.

Okay so like, when he was making this Octopus action, I have never seen anyone put more care into anything. He was like slicing it into pieces, then like had them all arranged in a little plate, then he brought out a mini blowtorch and was like blowtorching them I was like dude im already impressed don’t try too hard. Then he hands me a special octopus hand roll, another thing that I did not order, to eat, and it was good, but then my actual octopus sushi came out and that was good too.

The two best things that I ate there, besides the dumplings which were excellent and I am a dumpling expert, were the salmon and then some kind of pickled whitefish?

The salmon, he explained to me in great and careful detail, is from either Norway, Scotland, or a farm. I have no idea what he said. 

I hope he didn’t end up texting Jason. He can do so much better. 

But yea the place is great. Check it out. 

Hikari! The things you didn’t order taste great!

Ok This has been lazy Philadelphia something or other idk