#and if he's what I see him as then he DOES deserve saving and Ai's love. I understand why she would find him endearing.

[yuseirra]

Hikaru Kamiki's character-analysis collection

160 is going to be a pretty powerful chapter. If my judgment and theories, interpretations about this character flops eventually, it will. But until that happens, I feel I can hold out quite a bit.

Maybe I can call myself an expert on this particular character because...there are so many others who excel with other characters already and I wouldn't be able to beat them to it, but with his case, I may have a chance because he's had very little screen time and the way he acts is very ambiguous and confusing. I put in a lot of effort into understanding his character along with Ai's because I wanted to determine just what kind of relationship they had (154 was so intriguing. that chapter didn't have to be like that but it was), and to do that, you need to get a decent grasp of each of those two characters. I make fanworks, so I HAVE to portray them, and I've drawn way over 200+ pieces of art with them in it, with most of them being comics with expressions and dialogues. So I think it's safe to say I have an idea of just what they're like, may it be all debunked in the end, but at least for the time being. I'm pretty sure though. If I didn't know what I signed myself into, I wouldn't have spent my effort and time in the first place!

So, here goes! If you don't think he's an unforgivable psychopath and a nasty liar who's coerced Ryosuke into stab Ai and kill his daughter and did serial murder for "his own sake"<whatever that's supposed to be, or wish he'd turn out to be something more complex than just a flat-out villain, If you want to know why Ai wants to "help" him, then this analysis may help you. It's going to help me too. I'm just revisiting what I've written about him, there is a mention of what takes place in 160, a little, too.

Oh before anything, Mephisto and Fatal is HIS SONG. With that as the baseline, everything just..starts clicking. That's how I started to realize just what this guy's going to be.

(translated through Chatgpt~~I CAN'T write this whole thing twice hhhghh)

I think I have a pretty accurate grasp when it comes to understanding emotions.

As for the latest chapter's developments (which will be released today), if we take all of Kamiki's words as the truth and compare them to previous chapters, there aren't many contradictions. If we closely analyze the things this character says, it turns out they haven't really done anything significant, nor are there many things to hold them accountable for. Even the words they say to Aqua might not be as mocking or provocative as initially thought. If you believe things as they are, it all fits in quite neatly.

Since around July, I've been piecing together the fragments we've been given, analyzing the character's psychology multiple times, and I was really accurate in predicting what they would do.

In reality, they haven’t done anything, and they've never tried to harm anyone. Nino and Ryosuke went to the hospital and killed Goro, while Kamiki only meant to send a bouquet of flowers. If what he claims is correct, he was even happy upon sending them, he didn't even try to "scare Ai". (I'd been screaming about that in the top of my lungs for so long and oh am I so relieved. I want to say I TOLD YOU SO! But with the whole chapter being so. Yeah. the way it is, I can't even be happy about it. )And I was right about all of it. I’ve gotten so many things right… though, to be fair, there wasn’t really any other way it could have played out.

The testimony? It really might be exactly as it is, and there’s a good chance none of it was a lie.

If the character’s actions, as depicted in the movie arc, and the occasional glimpses of their behavior weren't false, then their behavior integrates with that.

If we trust Aqua’s interpretation, the real question becomes: Why? Why would this character act the way they did? We have no idea about their motive. Why would they have gone to such lengths, spending years scheming? The motive is the most important issue here. Why? For what reason? There’s a lack of rationale. Ryosuke and Nino approached them first, so from the moment they met, they probably didn’t have a plan to use them, nor do we understand what they gained from it. And while it’s said that they sparked a flame of madness, the reasoning behind that is too weak. The actions taken don’t have the drive to escalate into something like murder. Showing a toothbrush leads to murder? Suggesting to turn themselves in leads to attempted murder? This feels like something that couldn't have happened without divine intervention. If they intended that effect, the actions taken to achieve it were far too weak. The behavior escalates unpredictably and drastically. It's almost like they were cursed. Honestly, I think Kamiki is cursed. “Fatal” is indeed his song. The lyrics about life being twisted because of the stars appear in that song, and I think the songs in the anime help fill in the most important pieces of this character.

The "motive."

The last expression in Chapter 159—every time I look at it, I become more convinced it’s a sad expression. If you cover their mouth, you can clearly see it.

This character smiles when they're going through a hard time. And they don’t get angry at all, to an almost abnormal degree. I think that’s what confuses people about this character.

When people say unfair or harsh things to them, or even when they’re being bullied or questioned, they don't fight back. They just endure it. Their expression falters for a moment, but then they pull themselves together and smile again.

This not only leads to misunderstandings, but it also makes you wonder if this character is really responsible for anything. It unintentionally makes people push responsibility onto them.

That behavior resurfaces in this chapter, too. If Aqua’s accusations have any basis, then Kamiki deserves to hear those things. But if not, then once again, they’re just enduring it as always.

Even as a child, Kamiki couldn’t defend themselves, so another child(Ai) had to step in and fight against the adult who was bullying them. They’re a character who’s too soft to stand up for themselves. It’s unclear whether that’s because they have a large threshold for patience, or if they’re just shy—it seems to be a bit of both. But they’ve endured more than most people would be able to.

I’ve been pointing out these patterns as I’ve been following the story. It’s an incredibly consistent behavioral pattern.

This is just a small part of it.

In terms of their behavior, Kamiki barely seems to experience anger. And it’s usually anger that drives strong actions or causes someone to affect others. This character doesn’t have that, which is why all their actions seem almost passive. I think they’re incredibly sad and in despair. But they don’t show the slightest sign of anger, even in situations where they should. That’s why I don’t think they could have harmed Ai or killed anyone. It’s beyond just being kind; it’s like there’s a deficiency, or they have the mental fortitude of a saint or a god.

When Ai asked Kamiki to come see their children, I don’t think Kamiki was entirely hopeless. It wasn’t a bad thing, after all. But in the end, Ai dies. Good things never happen to this person. Even when something good does happen, it disappears before they can fully enjoy it. Yet, despite that, they’re still so kind. Have we ever seen them get angry at someone? Not at all. They face people with a smile and remain polite, despite everything. Considering all that’s happened, it wouldn’t be surprising if they’d gone insane, but they don’t come off that way. They just seem truly depressed and hurt (yes, but I still think they might have killed Yura, so let’s wait and see how the truth unfolds).

Looking at how Kamiki acts, there’s something almost powerless about them. They’re too agreeable, never speaking up for themselves, and often at a loss for words. And this isn’t a one-time thing; it’s been consistent since they first appeared.

When they asked Ai, “You love me, right? You won’t leave me, right?” and Ai responded, “I don’t know,” Kamiki’s reaction was to go outside, cry in the rain. When Airi gaslit them with some absurd nonsense, their face just froze in despair. When Ai said something harsh and dumped them, Kamiki couldn’t say anything. Even 15 years later, when watching the video, they couldn’t say anything and just curled up while reaching out toward Ai. It’s been so consistent that I realized this character really has no ability to defend themselves. In any given situation, they just take all the blame and accept it as their fault.

This character experienced horrific things even from a very young age, and rather than thinking, “I don’t like this,” they thought, “People like me when I do this, so this must be the right thing to do.” With that kind of mindset, they’ve been knocked around here and there, internalizing every negative judgment about themselves, becoming almost self-destructive.

For this reason, I think there’s a less than 2% chance that this character would do something as aggressive as sending Ryosuke to Ai in an attack. Even four years after the breakup? I imagine this character would have just cried alone after receiving a phone call. I really think they would’ve gone off and cried in agony... but somehow let the address slip, which led to Ai’s death. And then they think, “I have to save Ai no matter what,” which ties things together. That theory fits perfectly with the songs and their personality. As for why Kamiki ended up with such a personality—it all lines up.

Going over the information we’ve been given, I wonder if this character even has it in them to hate anyone. People with a normal mentality would obviously hold grudges against certain people, but Kamiki doesn’t show any signs of that. They seem to internalize everything as their fault and just suffer. They’re remarkably gentle. When you remove the assumptions that they harmed Ai, killed Yura, or committed serial murders, Kamiki comes across as kind...

I doubt they were ever truly angry. I don’t think Kamiki can get angry or even knows how to. Instead, I think they were just thinking, “What’s going on?” When they found out Ai raised the kids on her own, they probably thought, “Am I really that untrustworthy? She really didn’t want to be with someone like me, huh?” They would have been heartbroken, just like the “disappointment” mentioned in Chapter 158. They couldn’t be with her. But they don’t seem like the type to resent Ai for that. If they had to blame someone, they’d blame themselves for being untrustworthy.

It seems their natural inclination is to beat themselves up rather than others. They can’t stand up for themselves, and whenever something goes wrong, they immediately think, “I must be to blame.” (They’re similar to Aqua, but worse because their self-esteem is even lower.) Ai’s words could have made them angry, and they would have been justified in being upset, but they couldn’t even do that.

Their reaction in Chapter 155, when they couldn’t say a word, lines up perfectly with this. From Kamiki’s perspective, Ai lied to them for over ten years, and now he’s saying he’s going to do something for Ai. This behavior has been consistent throughout. Even after 15 years, they’re still acting like this. Either they’ve always been this way, or this is how they’ve always acted when it comes to Ai (though, judging from their actions, I’d say it’s a general tendency).

Kamiki loved someone who never loved them back, to the point where they’d say, “I truly loved Ai, from the bottom of my heart. (She's)the girl I was willing to sacrifice my life for” If someone believed that the person they loved never loved them back, yet they still genuinely loved them enough to say, “I loved them to the point of giving my life for them”—well, that’s a pretty miserable state of mind, don’t you think? But even in such a state, it seems like they continued to do things for Ai. Since they thought Ai didn’t like them, they likely went on without considering themselves much, probably with the mindset of, “I don’t care if I die.”

Because of this, when this character says things like “It’s my fault” or “I did it,” I think those statements are a bit unreliable to believe at face value. It feels like they're saying Nino’s actions were their own fault because they wanted to blame themselves for everything, or because they couldn’t forgive themselves. I could be wrong, but regarding Yura, there’s a decent chance that they’re less responsible than expected, and I’d say there’s about a 50% chance they didn’t kill anyone at all. Originally, this isn’t a character who would harm others.

As for the page where Kamiki tells Aqua that he wanted to scare Ai—well, I think 80% of what he says there is a lie. The only part I believe to be true is when he admits to giving Ryosuke the address, and that he didn’t expect Ryosuke to kill her—probably an accident or unintended consequence. The reasoning Kamiki gives for his actions is ridiculous and foolish. There are countless ways to make someone feel despair, and it goes without saying that doing so is wrong. Plus, there’s no guarantee it would even work, and it’s not practical from the start. In short, it’s an action with a very low probability of achieving the desired result. That’s why I keep speculating that this situation doesn’t make sense. I think most fans would have the same thought about Kamiki’s statement, like, “How could he not have known what would happen?” Right? I don’t think this was Kamiki’s doing from the start. Any rational person would feel that way, and Kamiki doesn’t seem like a crazy person. Nino, on the other hand, might be a bit irrational, but I don’t think Kamiki is! That’s why I’m convinced that Nino was responsible, especially since she appeared on the scene.

↑I got this right. If this chapter is correct, the flashback in Chapter 154 was indeed false, and Kamiki’s self-blaming testimonies can’t be trusted.

I’ve said this many times before. And I was right about a lot of things. I was right about how Kamiki had no reason to kill Gorou, so it was Nino and Ryosuke who did it.

For Aqua’s argument to be convincing, he needs to present a valid reason or proof as to why his father acted the way he did.

Last time, I analyzed the motivations behind the actions of the characters in this manga, and for Kamiki, at least as far as the story has shown, his current goal (according to his own thoughts) is to do “something for Ai.”

When you look at the relationship between this character and Ai, there’s no other driving force that could push him to act. What Kamiki thinks is important for Ai is what drives him.

This idea is reflected in the songs “Mephisto” and “FATAL.”

According to Chapter 158, the emotions he’s experiencing are desire, disappointment, and despair.

Among these three emotions, “desire” is the only one that can drive someone to act. The other two make a person shrink back or become rigid.

These three emotions appear strongly and consistently in both “FATAL” and “Mephisto.” I’m good at reading emotions.

And the “desire” depicted in those two songs is the emotion of wanting to meet and see someone again, right?

In Chapter 160, the person that stands for the description of: “someone who desires love” is none other than Kamiki himself.

Ai wanted to give love, and Kamiki wanted to receive love. That’s Kamiki’s “desire.” It can’t be anything else. Wanting to harm Ai? Wanting to harm Ruby? No, that’s not it. Kamiki has the desire to meet Ai again and be loved by her.

So, what actions will this character take based on that desire? If we follow that thread, I think we’ll find the answer in the end. That's the key to understanding everything about him, his major drive.

[seelestia]

✧ the gambler and his knight.

aventurine can't stand having his outfit exposed to the elements nor to the rude hands of clients that won't cooperate – luckily for him, he has you to take care of it all. { aventurine with a bodyguard!reader. }

⎯ fluff & angst. 2.9k wc. headcanons w/ some written scenes. the plot is vv subtle but it's there a.k.a aventurine simps for you (jokingly) but you both end up catching feelings (not jokingly). mentions of violence, death & russian roulette. pre-penacony timeline. a self-indulgent piece to celebrate this blog's 2nd anniv! ★

★ 〜 masterlist.

© seelestia on tumblr, june 2024. please do not repost, plagiarize, translate, use for AI-related purposes or claim as your own.

aventurine who graciously welcomes you under his employment with a game. just a little something to ease your nerves and get you used to his ways. you look at him with such incredulity as if he just fell and hit his head silly. he pays no mind to this – finds it to be amusing a great deal, actually. keep it up, newcomer!

“heads or tails?” he asks, flipping a coin in the air and catching it seamlessly. a routine for him, you would've figured from the sight. “that's. . . an odd way of saying hello,” you point out but your tone bears no hint of protest. he notices that.

“i've heard that one before,” aventurine tilts his head with a smile, nonchalant. “so what's your guess?”

“tails,” you reply without any delay. it's a mindless answer; getting it wrong this way would prove to bear less disappointment compared to putting actual thought in it. “heads for me then,” he whistles.

aventurine opens his palm. it's heads. you frown as if to suspect foul play—but you don't because you know about his notoriously good luck—and your new boss chuckles, almost placatingly.

“looks like i win,” he grins without a care in the world at all. “aren't you starving? let's fetch ourselves a meal, friend.”

a loss rewarded with a prize? you blink. with grace so in contrast to the whiplash you feel, aventurine walks past you with a trail of expensive perfume in his wake. obviously, he expects you to follow and you do after a moment's reluctance.

(this guy is more confusing than the stellaron.)

aventurine who grows quite fond of seeing you acquiesce to his wishes, whether serious or trivial. could you ward off those reporters? could you pour him a drink? could you play a game of poker with him? could you join him for lunch? you're always so professional that he starts to find some mirth in pushing your buttons (never too much). unlucky for you, he does it to be affectionate and lucky for him, you always say yes even if you roll your eyes every single time.

aventurine who trusts you with his credit card. . . to a worrying degree. when asked if he's sure about this, he just waves it off and says it'll be safer in your hands. seriously, this card has been in your possession longer than it's ever been in his. sometimes, he does ask for it back – only to drop some 200k credits to your account. “a tip for doing a good job,” he'd wink casually while you're flabbergasted beyond belief.

aventurine who finds it extremely attractive whenever you step in to protect him from harm. dealing with uncooperative clients is a day in his life, yet some are so brutish they resort to getting physical – but he has you to make sure their hands stay off him. a gun in his direction? knocked off before the trigger even has a chance to get pulled. reaching out to grab him by the collar? they're already on the ground, your foot threateningly pressed on their back as a warning. what a dashing sight – and thanks to you, his pristine outfit has been saved more times than he could count at this point.

aventurine who likes to call you his “knight in shining armor” teasingly. awh, you don't like it? he thinks you're more than deserving of that title with the way you always swoop in to get him out of trouble. if the thousands of credits he gives you aren't enough yet, won't a cute title suffice? “it sounds corny,” you tell him with a grimace—and maybe, yes—but he just chirps coyly, “dunno. i think it's fitting.”

aventurine who makes it his responsibility to check on you after a rough mission. credits are no problem, he'd even reserve the most expensive private doctor in the cosmos if that means you'll recover faster. sadly, he has little to no medical skills – so the most he can offer you is bandages. sure, you can take a bullet to the stomach and handle a punch or two, that's your job, but what about tiny scratches? . . .don't tell him you're about to reject his kind offer.

“what's your favorite color?” he queries, somewhat out of the blue considering the situation where he is helping you tend to a minor cut on your finger. you raise an eyebrow, “why do you wanna know?” as he gently plasters a plain-colored bandage on your skin (which he's only been granted permission to after minutes of begging you to let him do it).

“for the bandages,” aventurine answers. he finds no need to hide his intentions as he runs a thumb over the bandage, softly as to not hurt you, to keep its position secure. “so that the next time you ask, i'll have some in your favorite color for sure.”

“how. . . thoughtful of you,” you snort, amused.

(briefly, he resists the urge to ask if he can place a kiss on your cut for 'luck'. but if he does, you might have his head. so, he'll try another time.)

aventurine who slowly begins to find a sense of comfort in your company. maybe, it's the way you scoff at his quips with a smile or the way you always tell him to be careful. maybe, it's the way you take him seriously or the way you stay by his side—is your job description the only reason why?—or maybe, he's just pathetic and reeks of so much loneliness you feel sympathetic. he can't tell, but he hopes the luxuries he has can persuade you to stay just a little longer. even if you don't actually care. (you do.)

aventurine who notices how anxiety brims in your gaze when you watch him gamble at the table – with a sum too high to be considered sane and sometimes, his own life. he can see it all; how your hands shake as if you want to reach out, how your lips tremble as if you want to tell him to stop. but this is what he's made for, is it not? he'll survive one way or another. . . until fate decides the bill for all his past good fortune is finally due. and when the time comes, he'll be ready for it. (will you?)

a game of russian roulette.

it always starts with thrills only to end with carnage spilled all over the table. luck is the only thing worth praying for at that point and oh, is luck not the dearest friend aventurine ever had? hence the reason why he always agrees, not with a yes but with a “why not?”.

you're there as his protector, yet utterly condemned to the role of a witness as soon as aventurine nods along to that darned game. panic rushes through your veins as the gun is passed around so relaxedly, so easily with laughter all around. aventurine's next in line, you realize grimly. the next decision that comes after is spontaneous, so different from your usual calculated nature – you drag him out of the casino in a frenzy before the weapon even lands in his hand. in your head, there is no other thought louder than: he could've died.

“a shame i didn't get to the fun part,” you hear him hum from behind you, too disturbingly calm for your liking. the bustling noises inside the establishment have all but faded into the background. “that was close, hm?” he laughs, a sound you would've found endearing if this was another occasion. any occasion that doesn't involve teetering dangerously on the precipice of death.

you stop in your tracks and aventurine, behind you, naturally follows. your silence is something he first takes note of and the way your hand shakes as it holds his is the second. you still haven't let go. what's going through your mind? he calls out your name softly, perplexed at your lack of explanation.

“. . .why did you say yes?” you respond with a bitter question. “you could've died. you almost died,” you try to hold back a shout – yet, your words are spat in such a fusillade he feels a seed of guilt starting to bloom inside his lifeless heart. he discards it in favor of putting on a frivolous smile.

“oh, relax,” he lets out a chuckle, one that sounds so ignorant of the taut tension in the air. “it's just some russian roulette. why so serious?” he shrugs as if to physically brush off any seriousness clinging to his figure. his remark gives off the assumption that every single hint of your worry has flown over his head.

“it is serious. . .” you bite your bottom lip. he sneers in return, “yeah? since when?” as if to challenge you to give an actual answer. his life is full of risks, to say otherwise would be a lie. “you're sweet for worrying but you don't actually care about me that much, do you?” he snickers to himself. like the thought of your caring about him can't possibly be true, like it's all just a terrible joke.

but he's the only one laughing.

aventurine falls quiet and finally, genuinely meets your gaze for the first time that night. he doesn't like what he sees. your lips are downturned, unamused and saddened—you do care, a realization that has been left unsaid—and all remainders of levity in him are replaced by immediate dread. it only now registers that the anger, concern, frustration on your face are for him; they're the unavoidable consequences from caring about him.

(his eyes widen. no, no, no.)

“c'mon, you—” he covers it up with a carefree smile, as feigned as it came. he shoves his hand in one of his pockets. it's shaking. “. . .worry too much. you've seen me play a handful of games before. i've never lost a wager, remember?”

you don't look convinced at all. in fact, you look as if you've arrived at the brink of seething. “and if you do? for once in your life, you lose?” you prod him for more. for something, for anything – perhaps, for a promise that he won't do it again.

(but you know aventurine, you know there would be no such promise.)

“then i lose,” he says, final and resigned. “there's really nothing else to it,” he tries to offer you another smile but it didn't quite reach his eyes. “hey. at least, you'll be there to witness my spectacular fall, right? it'll be a show to remember.”

he nearly doesn't manage to keep up the façade. it's already as precarious as it can be. you don't reply to him this time – instead, you let go of his hand to wipe at your cheeks. his gaze trails after your fingers and it freezes upon seeing the pearly tears falling free from your eyes.

aventurine has never seen you cry before. you're always so stone-faced, so hard to break that he recalls almost cheering when he heard you laugh for the first time. that was when you finally won a round of poker against him. a pity, he would've reminisced about the memory more. . . if only the matter of losing and winning a game isn't as serious as it is now.

“don't say that,” you mutter, harshly wiping away at the incessant tears pouring from your eyes more than you'd ever allow them to. some make their way into your mouth, they taste just as bitter as your current frustration. does he truly value his life so little? you can't fathom it, you can't fathom him at all.

but there is one thing you were certain of, at the very least: “you hired me to protect you,” you shake your head unrelentingly, “so i'll do it. until you throw me away, i won't let you die.”

you've stopped crying then. aventurine feels remorse; the tears that you shed because of him are starting to dry. the selfish part of him wants to reach out and brush them away with his thumb – but would you let him? would this lead you further down the rabbit hole that is him? in the end, he decides against it.

“. . .i'm sorry,” he sighs instead, raking a hand through his messy blond hair. whatever it is he is apologizing for, he doesn't have a clue either. he lets his eyes slip shut. he can't bear to look at you, can't bear to look at his pitiful reflection in your eyes.

(he's not worth caring about, can't you see? he dances hand in hand with death – there is no need to subject yourself to being a spectator.)

the two of you then part ways that night with shallow pleasantries on your tongues. no inside jokes, no evident yearning for the other to stay, no more than an awkward exchange of “i'll see you tomorrow.”

on his way 'home', regret and relief clash to form something inexplicably hollow inside kakavasha's chest. he wanted to wipe away your tears—what a regret—but if he did, they would've burned on his skin and became another mark to haunt him—what a relief he didn't. and frankly, if destiny is about to reap his debt, he'd rather go with no regrets at all.

whether those regrets include you? he doesn't have an answer just yet.

(the name at the bottom of his contract with fate is signed as kakavasha. but you wouldn't recognize that name. not as him, at least.)

aventurine whose eyes can't flutter close at night ever since thoughts of you fill his mind more than they already do before. you care for him, you want him to live—all his fault, he allowed himself to get too close—but these realizations are rooted in too deep and refuse to leave. what to do, what to do, what to do?

it isn't supposed to turn out like this.

what he and you have is meant to be transactional; he'd be spared from unnecessary scuffles and you'd be compensated with monetary payment. he means to keep it superficially fun; for him to tease you with jests—so you'd stay and save him from the deafening silence in his head—and for you to dismiss him with that adorably annoyed look on your face. just some silly banter, that's it.

so then, since when are there rounds of poker where he'd coo over your frown when you lost? or the sound of your lecturing after he secretly got you a high-end item? or meals shared together where you'd bicker over the bill? or bandages in your favorite color kept inside his bedside table? since when do you start to care? . . .since when does he start to care?

think of something else.

kakavasha tosses and turns in his bed, but the soft pillows and blanket do nothing to quell these bothers of his. are feelings always this complicated? he places a hand over his eyes, tired and exhausted, and stares at the ceiling as if it could provide him with an answer.

but there's no use.

in a moment void of logical thinking, he reaches for his phone and hovers a finger over your name in his contacts. he is usually good friends with bad ideas – but not this time, he sets his phone down and lets out a frustrated sigh that only his expensive pillows are there to hear.

(for gaiathra's sake, he hasn't even told you his real name yet.)

aventurine who becomes awfully distant the next time he sees you. you accompany him to meetings with clients per usual, but it's different. . . he talks to you succinctly, not verbosely with that trademark grin of his. his face is bereft of the things you grow to like seeing on him. a sincere smile instead of one just for show, for example. but even that's difficult to ask for since he only speaks to fill the silence with empty chatter. he doesn't look you in the eyes either; you feel a pang of hurt, you've always loved his eyes.

aventurine who discards all thoughts of you as soon as he steps inside pier point to be assigned a project. a conclave between the stonehearts is a matter of top confidentiality and you, dutifully, are ordered to wait for him outside the office. though, he'll admit; your absence by his side actually does leave a gaping void—such hypocrisy, really—but at least, those pesky voices in his head know how to shut up when it comes to work.

“penacony. . . is diamond finally ready to do something about it?”

aventurine rests his left hand on the small of his back, fiddling with the clubs-shaped detailing on the fabric there. it looks like an act of idleness from afar, but anyone observant enough would know it's a way to subdue whatever nerves he wishes to hide.

he waits for the person in front of him, gazing at the purplish-red sky of pier point at sunset, to speak. for their next words shall mark the start of his next journey in fate's course.

aventurine who hesitates to let you come to penacony with him at first. but it'd be poor reasoning not to, since some might have a bone to pick with him as the corporation's representative. . . and he knows you'll protest to come with anyway. fine then, situationship discomfiture be damned – not even a second after he steps out of the meeting, his neon eyes finally meet yours. “so, how does a trip to penacony sound?” he announces with a confident smile. you blink, noticing how his lips are wobbling at the sides. you don't say no, however. (if only the two of you know what sort of ride you're getting yourselves into.)

— thanks for reading! reblogs with comments are most appreciated. why don't we all sob over this man like it's a cryfest ♡

[euniveve]

"𝐈'𝐦 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲, 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤" - zhongli

pairings: zhongli x gn!reader tags: HURT/COMFORT (like major major comfort), glasses wearing!reader, insecure!reader, reader has self-worth issues, fluffy fluff fluff, reader is implied to have depression w.c: 1480 a.n: ngl i wrote this one shot a while ago, it helped me back then, hopefully it'll help some of you guys as well, i think this is beta read (again i wrote this a while back, i forgot) remember that you are loved my dears <3

Another tear hits the cold hardwood floor of your apartment; your glasses have long been housing the pools of your sadness before you finally take them off to bury your face into your knees, choked sobs wrangle out of your throat as your chest burns from the hurt.

What was it again that triggered this? You couldn’t remember… Crying sure does affect you; it drives your mind deeper into its sadness, an inescapable hole of helplessness with darkness surrounding you, not an oil lamp in sight.

A series of knocks fell upon your door– making you jolt in your uncomfortable position, your heart beating out of your chest as you feel the pit in your stomach grow. You don’t want to meet people now, you don’t want to pretend to be fine.

For once, saving face stood second before your needs.

“Qin ai de?” the familiar warm baritone from the other side of the door said, “It’s me, are you alright?”

You open your lips, tears still freely flowing down your cheeks but you stop yourself– deciding to close them again. Maybe anyone is fine, anyone else. But not Zhongli. You cleared your mucus-filled throat, trying to force a clear stable voice, gulping your saliva thickly before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath in preparation.

With a shaky breath out you fake a smile, trying your best to sound how you normally do. “Y-yeah! I just wanna be in silence and think; don’t worry about me!”

A few seconds of silence pass by and you hold your breath, waiting for the sound of his feet walking away to grace your ears but you hear none. Instead, what little light the gaps at the bottom of the door provided was blocked before Zhongli spoke again.

“Forgive me, my dear, for I have to do this.”

You couldn’t even take a second to process the words he uttered before the door flew open, revealing the silhouette of your very handsome, very tall former-archon-boyfriend. Almost out of instinct– you cover your face, your trembling hand making out a very poor mask as you try your best to get away from his sight.

“Love, my dear heart,” he cooed, his footsteps dawning closer and closer before it stopped in front of you. The melodious rustle of his fabric as he bends down to meet your face, his amber eyes unmistakable in their sadness as his brows furrow in slight frustration at the sight of your visibly distraught figure. 

Zhongli reaches out; out of instinct, it seems, to comfort you, to hold you at least, his long slender finger wanting to touch your hand to move them yet you flinch when his hand hovers; afraid and unsure.

“My love?”

“Pl-please go away..” you whisper meekly, “I- I don’t want to– I don’t want you to see me like this…”

“,,,”

You quickly and harshly wipe the tears off your face, trying your best to give him a smile while your hand is still covering your puffy eyes. “I’m okay! I think…”

“But you are not,” he said matter-of-factly, his brow furrowed in confusion before his hand finally reached yours, warmth blooming on your skin with his comforting touch. “You are not okay.”

“I will be,” you muttered, “Please? I’m a mess now– I–”

Your hand was moved away, and even with your lids covering your eyes, you can imagine those brilliant eyes; so full of warmth and love you almost want to run away and hide again.

“My love please look at me.”

His voice is but a whisper and there’s care lacing between those strings of sound. Archons do you even deserve this? You are certain that you don’t but it feels so right. 

It feels like you aren’t worthless.

It feels like you matter.

You finally open your eyes, and another waterfall of tears threatens to escape but you can see his gentle smile, the softness of his lips, the curvature of his cheeks; whatever is happening now, it feels like love.

Are you worthy of love?

“You are scared,” you hear him say softly, “you are scared and that is okay, I’m here for you.”

“I’m sorry,” you find yourself whispering.

“What for?”

‘Everything.’ you wanted to say, ‘for being me, for stealing you away from someone better, for being selfish.’

Ah– there it is.

“For being selfish,” you repeat your mind, your eyes shifting to the wooden floor, his gaze tho comforting, feels so real. Like he could see through your walls; like he could tear them down with the slightest of touch. “For being selfish enough to get your love, to be so imperfect yet accepting of it– I’m so sorry.”

You wince at yourself. That sounds more pathetic than you intended. Gods; why does it have to be him? You wouldn’t mind if it's anyone else. Anyone else can call you self-absorbed or pitiable or even entitled. 

But please, archons please, let it not be him. 

“I’m not worthy of it,” you end your sentence with a defeated whisper, “I know I'm not worthy of it; I keep pushing you away, I’m difficult, I’m a horrible person.”

You bit your lip, you can hear him breathing steadily, his hand still grasping yours with that signature comfort, that loving warmth. It feels so good that you want to run away; so good that it feels like knives as the back of your mind keeps shouting at your words. 

Ugly, untrue, you know this, but when those words are repeated thousands – no – millions of times it starts to sound honestly beneath useless praises.

“I’m irreparably broken.”

Silence is between the two of you and it feels deafening. You are ready for this, for him to leave, and how could you not? You have to imagine it time and time again, with every step apart from him, every second without his presence, you imagine it over and over and over again; hoping, praying, that when it eventually happens, it would hurt even less. 

Because you are ready.

“I used to forge weapons as an archon,” Zhongli whispered, his thumb starting to trace the back of your hand. Slowly but surely, you feel his body getting closer to you, that golden touch of his cupping your cheek, those citrine gazes that inspect your very being and you can’t help but lean into his touch.

Archons, you are horrible.

“I forge new weapons for my adepti. Ones made of jade, of black steel, of unbreakable stone, cor lapises, agates, and carnelians.” he took a deep breath, the chilly autumn air filling his lungs before he continued. “But I always prefer to reforge my old weapons.”

“Huh?”

He laughs, that signature rumbling laughter that makes you shiver, that fills you with ease and serenity; it has you longing for a home only he can make, only he can fulfil. “Yes, I prefer my old weapons; one that has my hand moulded on its handle, one that has been broken time and time again.” 

You feel his fingers on your cheek, your cold, tearstained cheek– you want to flinch away but you can’t. Zhongli is your home, you couldn’t hide away any longer.

“So my love, if you are broken then allow me to reforge you.” His voice, archons, his voice resonates deep within your heart, filling its cracks and smoothing its surface. His and completely his, he once noted and each and every time he breathes he reminds you of it. “if you prefer for your pieces to bask in the sun then allow me to carry you, every chuck and dust.”

“I’ll cut you,” you whisper, trying desperately to deny him of the pain you know you would bring. “I'll hurt you; I have jagged edges and–”

“Then do it.”

His arm wraps around you, his hand tugging your head underneath his chin. He places a kiss on the top of your head, feeling the way your body fits with his; longing for the sound of your laughter and accompanying smile.

But Morax knows better; perhaps that person is gone, perhaps they are buried underneath the rubble. And yet he smiled to himself, gripping you tighter, not letting you go. He is pained, it is true. But a god can afford pain. 

Let him afford the pain, as long as you wouldn’t have to feel it.

“I’ll hold you until you feel full, I’ll love you until the last stone crumbles, I’ll be by your side until your soul turns to dust.”

He let go of a breath. It sounds heavy; and perhaps for Morax, it is. His lover it seems has been at war. What sort of warrior god lets their spouse fight a battle all alone?

“I love you,” he whispered, “and that’s nothing your thoughts can change no matter how hard they try.”

[razertail18]

Miguel O'hara and daughter! Reader

I dunno why, but I'm an absolute sucker for Miguel O'hara and daughter!reader(its platonic, I can't stand incest)

My head just thinks of all the possible angst it has. One of these days, I'll finally be able to find the time to write other fics and this one in a proper way and just a rough idea!

~~✨💗🎀💗✨~~

You always love your papa, Miguel O'hara, but it's painfully obvious how he has been lacking recently. Well... As recently as the past few years.

Ever since the start of high school, Miguel has been absent in some events of your life.

It started when he would be late from picking you up from school, you would stay up late just to wait for him to come home, forgetting your traditional daddy-daughter sunday bonding time.

You didn't mind it at first until he stopped taking you out to celebrate your achievements, more specifically, every time you won a medal or got first place into any academic competition(specifically math and science).

Yup... You were a genius like your papa but he didn't send you to any gifted schools. He thought you deserved a normal childhood.

It was back in grade 9 where you won in an international math competition and won a gold medal... Like... Shock! Biggest achievement yet.

You already called Miguel about it and you just straight lied to him that all you got was a participation award. You were planning on surprising him, you take pride in the fact that you are just like your papa.

You went home with a medal in your hand and a bunch of empanadas on your other.

You wait.

And wait..

Oh, look at that it's 12:00 am. You could always skip school the next day...or technically today.

4 am and no calls... Is he... Okay?

And then Lyla pops up

"Oh, Lyla? Did papa have another all nighter at Alchemax?"

"Look, kid... I'll be honest with you... Miguel... He won't come back for a while."

"What?! Why? But... He said that he'll be here, besides, we always celebrate after I-"

"Y/N. I'm sorry, really, I am. And I'm sure your father does too."

You don't know why but you swore the way she gritted her teeth. Is that possible for holographic AI?

"Anyway, congrats, kid. I know it's just a participation award but, heck, you were against international kids. The best of the best. I mean, competing against hundreds of students in more than 20 countries. That's wild-"

"It's actually gold.

"What?"

"Won first place... I... I just wanna surprise, papa... But, um, thanks anyway..."

After that, it just got worse month after month, year after year. You are used to being alone now. Sometimes Tio Gabriel is there to take care of you. Lyla helps you to keep yourself sane.

While Miguel might still live at your house, it doesn't feel like it.

"I'm busy right now, hija."

"I'm sorry, biscotcho... Maybe some other time."

"Y/N, please! I am tired, I just need some peace at the moment."

Excuse after excuse. That's all you get.

There are the occasional times he did spend time with you that you both enjoy

But it got butchered when you were 15.

He was just gone. For months.

Tio Gabriel had to move in with you.

"Mig- Your papa is just busy. He's, um-"

"I get it... He's busy. What's new?"

Gabriel could see just how you were struggling to keep it together. He knows how close you and Miguel used to be.

Gabriel was debating on whether he should tell you that it was because Miguel had an accident that made him half-spider, half-human.

That Miguel became Spider-Man, a figure you slowly idolized and internally wished he'd be your father instead(Ironic, I know), that's why he's late.

That Miguel is out there saving the multi verse.

That Miguel does love you.

Granted, Gabriel didn't know that Miguel ditched you and him to live happily in another universe where he doesn't bear the burden of being Spider-Man.

After months, Miguel came back. You didn't recognize him at first.

His hair is unkept, dark circles under his eyes, more agitated, he's depressed. It's Miguel alright but a shell of your father.

It was one night where you found out the truth when a strange portal appeared and a few...Spider-Man or Spider-Men? Women? Cat? Spider-People.

Along with them is the Spider-Man you were familiar with. There's that skull shaped spider in his costume.

You were trying to get a closer look and caught them on camera. You didn't expect them that your Spider-Man would reveal his face

"P-Papa?"

After that you started digging deeper, snooping around Miguel's things and researching about Spider-Man in general.

You were fangirling at first until you realize that's the whole reason why he had always been so absent

You were furious. You don't know whether to shout, cry, punch, wail, or anything to let your bottled up emotions out

You hated him.

He left you to save other people. He abandoned you to be a superhero. And he didn't tell you! He lied to you.

Did Lyla knew? Of course she does. And tio Gabriel, he might as well have.

Would he really abandon his child to just play the hero...

You wanna tell him.

You were already walking down Miguel's office until you heard him talk about some anomalies and how these villains keep taking up his time.

"I shocking swear, Miguel, you get to see these villains more than you get to see your own daughter!"

"Several universes depends on it! You think I have enjoyed doing this for the past several years, Gab?!"

So the villains get more attention than you, huh?

Maybe it's time to have that so-called 'Bad girl era' that almost every teen goes through. But how...

You huffed as you landed on your bed filled with Spider-Man comics from the Golden Hero era as part of your research. And then you saw a particular villain in one of the pages.

"I'm a genius, right?... How hard could it be to pull off Doc Oct's metal arms... Besides... Nueva York still hasn't had a version of him. It's about time for one."

You immediately got to work. You had experience when it comes to robotics and tech, thanks to Miguel since he introduced you to it.

Miguel and Gabriel thought of nothing about it when you requested several metal parts and wires. It was not uncommon for you to mess around making robots.

The other materials that will gather suspicion, you have to buy it yourself or steal it.

You did feel bad for stealing but you love that adrenaline rush in your blood as you almost got caught and ran away scot free.

You made some changes to the original idea of Doc Oct's metal limbs. You read something about an inhibitor chip and there's no way you are implanting a chip in your body.

So you have to work your way around it. There's also something about an A.I., a huge no for you since you learned the hard way that you are still beyond mastering it.

So you just went with the voice command and controlling it manually.

At first you only have two limbs and the other pair was only used after you got the handle of it.

"Soooo... What crime should I do first... I don't exactly wanna hurt people. I just wanna fight pap- I mean, Spider-Man but how..."

You walk through the city carrying that heavy ass backpack containing the metal arms while looking where to cause crime.

Then you saw how a bunch of the policemen were abusing their power...again. And you look back at the police that was parked just near you.

"Hello there..."

It took Miguel by surprise when he saw a clip sent by Lyla about some weird Doc Oct wannabe making a ruckus in Nueva York about...destroying police cars and the police department? Odd.

Nonetheless, Miguel is pissed and was forced to fight the new villain any way whom he had found to be annoying.

"What in the shock are you achieving in destroying cars, Doc Oct?"

"Ummm, don't you think Doc Quad fits better... I only have, like, 4 metal limbs. But it makes me sound like a body builder.

It was strange how much you enjoyed causing mayhem or was it because Miguel's focus is on you. Regardless, your 'villainy' continued on for months.

You never hurt innocent people. More like an inconvenience to everyone in the city and just being a stupid teen who thinks there being bad but cool.

Of course, Miguel hated you. You were there being a distraction to his responsibility of keeping the multi verse in tact.

Strangely enough if there were any anomalies in Nueva York, you were the one to fight them off and the Spider-People sometimes just needed to pick them up to send them back home.

And as time goes on, you actually manage to strike a peaceful conversation with Miguel and some of the other Spider-People like Peter B. And Gwen(if they were around Nueva York) if you weren't feeling like being a menace.

"I'm just saying, Miguel. Your Doc Oct could be a great member in HQ. Just think about it." Gwen is trying to convince Miguel, she sort of made a weird friendship with you.

"She's practically harmless." Peter added.

"Uhuh. I think flooding the streets of Nueva York, releasing several animals free in pounds, painting government halls in rainbows, cleaning the river while tossing the thrash back in front of company's headquarters, and destroying police property is pretty harmless.

"Sounds more like an angst teen to me. At least, she never tried killing you." Peter joked.

He did give it some thought. Maybe you are a teen behind that black mask and shades you always wear but he couldn't really know.

Except for one particular event.

It was your sixteenth birthday. Miguel promised to make it special for you since you never got the quinceañera he promised you before.

You didn't really care you just wanted the whole day with him.

You didn't go to school that day only spending the day with Miguel.

This was it. Your prayers have finally been answered and then- oops...

Miguel left you in a diner while taking lunch to 'go buy something' and he didn't return.

Everything is turning out so well. A bed in breakfast, giving you tons of hugs and kisses from your papa, letting you pick out a new dress, and watching that new monster movie you've been waiting for about some overgrown lizard.

You knew he had been called to his 'job'. That is more important than you. Than his own daughter.

You left the dinner as you ran back to your home. You don't wanna cry. Not this time. Your heart is burning with all the rage and pain of his neglect over the years.

When Gabriel saw your tear-stained face, he already knew what happened.

He was ready to hear you breaking down in your room but he didn't expect to see your bedroom walls breaking down with tentacle claws visible through the smoke and rubble.

"Y-Y/N?" Gabriel didn't wanna believe it. But he saw you put on that mask and the shades that Doc Oct always wears.

You refused to listen to anybody as you thrashed everything that comes in your way. And you went directly to the electricity company and turned the lights illuminating the city night off.

You thrashed the broadcast and signal of the city (a/n: how do you even describe that)

No electricity, no signals, everything is off. You hoped that the HQ Miguel is in is affected as well.

You got bored as you ruined the streets, letting your anger out in the destruction you havoc.

Now...where was that HQ located? You swore you saw it in your father's plans.

Okay. Plan B.

Time to pay a visit to your papa's office.

~~✨💗🎀💗✨~~

A/N: might continue it as an actual proper fic but I really wanna write the reader as a villain. I know it's such a mess but way too sleep deprived but I might continue it later

[mishsymishy]

-Digital circus/Reader Angst¡¡ Part2-

Warnings!!!: Guilt, past traumas, past losses, pain, obsession , confusing feelings, about thinking

(first,If there is any language error please tell me, English is not my first language Imao, and I never write angst gonna be honest)

You can take it as platonic or romantic, although it is more romantic

—

Caine!

— It's an AI..So he has felt artificial love for once in his entire digutal life and their love abstracts it, well it doesn't end well. He doesn't feel guilty, because he knows it's not his fault, but if he gets too sad, he tries not to show it so that others don't worry about why it's not as chaotic as before, although sometimes his decline is noticeable.

— He won't put you in the basement, Not with the others, because he knows that you are not like the others, you are his, and his sure you remember him..At least he wants to think that you recognize him.

—He will not leave you even if you are no longer you, if now you are just a dark black mass with eyes, he still loves you and waits for the moment when he can save you from being that thing. He does everything to know that he led you to that mental void, that he needs to improve, why he doesn't want that when he saves you (he's not sure if he can do it but he want to think so) you don't fall into despair again

—The first time they told him that someone had been abstracted, he didn't care much, it wasn't like it was anything new... I don't even pay much attention to other people's words ,but he didn't expect it to be you ,so when he put the black mess in the basement and he went to look for you to see if you were okay I mean he really cares about you and couldn't wait to comfort you. After seeing that you were the one who got abstracted, He refused to cross out your door and start to panic in silence .

—He goes back to the basement and quickly knows who you are, he takes you out of that place and locks you in, but he makes it as comfortable as possible although well, you don't seem to remember him. He spends 24/7 with you, it's like an obsession that you return to your normal state, he still loves you and he's not going to stop loving you, you were the only person he ever truly loved, not even the moon.

—He still continues with his daily missions and contests, he can't let others go crazy too, he can't make the same mistake (your loss has made him afraid of being alone in the digital circus , again) Although, they are beginning to doubt his strange behavior, as if he no longer watches them as much with his millions of eyes... as if he were busy with something else

—He WILL do everything he can and has in hand to return you to your original state. he doesn't care about the others abstracts, its only you and you.

—

Kinger!

-It's already screwed, but now much more. He lost two partners, so when you were normal, he was already dedicated to taking care of you as if you were a butterfly in a cocoon. He unburdened himself with you, he told you his closest sorrows and fears. So what he was wondering is, why didn't you tell him? Why didn't you want his help? Was he the reason you left? Is he the problem?

-He feels guilty, very guilty. So much so that I no longer want to become friends with someone, he is afraid that they will leave like the others, like you. He thinks he's lost you forever, he doesn't even think about the possibility that Caine can fix you, he just focuses on the fact that it's his fault and that he should be in your place, not you. You didn't deserve that fate, he does.

-He misses you a lot, and many times he forgets that you are no longer with him. Once he came out of his pillow fort looking for you to tell you facts about ants, he stood inches from his pillow fort and muttered something quickly, getting back in, as absolute silence was heard.

- Some are worried about him, like Ragatha or Gangle (who she tried to cheer him up with her happy mask, but it's just being yelled at in the face and him running away). He was the first and the one who lasted the longest so it wouldn't surprise them if he was next, which is more likely to happen. Jax stopped him from bothering him by trying to make a joke, which he quickly regretted when he saw him in a dismal state .

- He has a pillow in his hand, gripping it tightly while he looks at it with his eyes, fixed on the pillow, he had hidden from the others in a place a little hidden from the bright. He didn't know why but he didn't want to be here alone again. He felt the emptiness inside him again, only now it was three times as painful, he squeezes the pillow tighter while closing his eyes tightly.

I didn't know when or how, but it was no longer 'him', now only it's ,him remains and one more abstraction. At least he wanted to be able to see you one more time, even if it's both this way, he doesn't care anymore. He loses the sense of thinking while it is only a black mass with eyes

—

Zooble!

-Act like they gives a shit, Although when they see you abstract they just stay silent like it's just you? and them in this whole digital world ,others at least don't notice it that your loss affected them in so many ways.Surely they will stop making annoying or realistic comments, they will miss some but they won't say more, people like Jax did notice that detail, when something with a problem happened they is no longer the usual Zooble, the one who is realistic and stops Jax from making more disasters and more,now she just leaves faster and more frequently, as if they wanted to be alone with them memories.

-they feels guilty for letting you ruin yourself in this place, they can imagine why you became abstracted and they doesn't forgive theyself. Although such a loss for a trapped person may be the end, it will only make they want to get out of there more, Having it as a main objective (the second would be to never love or get attached to anyone again in that place)

-they wants to go out for you, although they wanted to go out with you and mostly thought about scenarios of you together in the human world.Now that you're not here them desire to do everything except go out has mostly gone away, so that you can feel proud of them wherever you are, And it's good to lose them to abandon you

—

finished! YAYYY (I update it quickly because I forgot about Zooble)

[aihoshiino]

chapter 159 thoughts!

Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Entirely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 16

Aqua Hoshigan Status: White

Surprise! As predicted by literally everyone in the fandom, the stab was a fakeout! To the shock of perhaps three people, no, one of the titular Kos of Oshi No fame was not, in fact, dying in an unceremonious cliffhanger stabbing - the only real question was exactly what sort of fakeout it was going to be. I did see quite a few folks suggest 'Akane in a wig and a stabproof vest' even in jest so congrats on calling it! Admittedly this is kind of silly but I would take 'silly' over the character assassination massacre that last chapter's apparent twist would've been any day of the week.

I guess if anything about this reveal surprised me it's that Kana wasn't involved at all…? Unless this is a double fakeout and something's going to happen at her graduation (which is not impossible for reasons we'll get into). Whereas all the buildup for Ruby (seemingly) getting stabbed basically only came in the same chapter it happened in, we've been getting some pretty heavy handed hints that something might happen to Kana for over 60 chapters now if my mental math is right - her parallels to not just Ai and Yura (i.e, our two on-screen victims), language associating her with the "type" we see targeted and that huge "Kana Arima will always protect Ruby Hoshino" red flag dropped by Gotanda, among other things. Kana is also the character who has the most actual direct parallels with Ai, where Ruby is defined mostly in how she differs from Ai… Or at least she does when the story makes sense lol. But I guess we'll see.

Either way, I personally have mixed feelings on Akane's involvement here, in this moment. On the one hand, I like what it represents about Aqua's development - the reason he and Akane broke up was over her 'endangering herself' but really it was because of Aqua's mortal terror over the people he loves being hurt in association with him. Letting Akane get involved here is an expression of growth and trust on his part and I do like that.

On the other… this is super Akane just being treated like a convenient device for the plot, as has happened to her before. It really feels like Akasaka has realized he made her way too competent as a character so he only busts her out to use as a blunt force tool to patch up his story. Hate that shit! Akane deserves better.

THAT SAID… Ichigo's involvement here is something I do straightforwardly like even if the execution isn't perfect. Now we're past the fakeout, I can say that my worst case scenario for The Stabbening was the "Aqua uses his 1337 surg30n ski11z to save the stabbing victim and make up for not saving Ai" because people have been predicting that Literally since volume 2 and I'm gonna be real with you, I've fucking hated it no matter the configuration of characters or events involved lol. It would, even if only subtextually, frame Aqua's self-loathing and suicidal ideation in relation to the incident as justified and that he somehow needs to 'redeem' himself for his failure of not stopping a grown man with a knife from stabbing his mother to death when he was literally four years old.

Ichigo, by contrast, actually is at least partially responsible for Ai's death. He is a literal agent of the system that abused and exploited her, he failed to support her properly as both her manager and her father and it's ultimately his commodification of Ai and B-Komachi as a whole that created the kind of fan attitude that gives birth to a person like Ryosuke. He's the person who actually needs to make up for failing Ai, so having him literally reenact that failing and getting able to do it right this time for the purposes of protecting Ai's beloved children is a direction for his character that I really like.

^_^ However! I do not feel anywhere near as positively about this retcon to Ryosuke and Nino's characters!!!!

like. come on, man. do i even need to explain why this is bad. even outside of how utterly transparent a retcon this is, these kinds of 'everyone is connected!!!' surprise twists are really not suited to a story like Oshi no Ko. They make the world of the story feel much smaller

In addition… it really feels like lately, Akasaka has this problem where he tries to make things more dramatic and complex by adding twists and reveals about Secret Additional Context like this to a character's behaviour but ends up just flattening them by way of making them more cartoonish as a result. Ironically, Nino and Ryosuke are both victims of this with this new retconned in connection and it cheapens not only their own arcs but their relationships with Ai (and how her own arc is informed by her relationship with them in turn) as a result. It's a cascade failure that wrenches everything else down along with it.

The other big reason this retcon frustrates me as much as it does is not just because it entirely shatters the logic of Ryosuke as a character but because one additional picrosecond of thought put into his could not only have prevented it, but even added to the story in some really meaningful and interesting ways. As other people are surely going to point out, this is an insane level of hypocrisy, so - lean into it! Make that hypocrisy explicit and textual!

Parasociality is already inherently illogical and the types of misogynistic hostile masculinity Ryosuke expresses towards Ai are already internally contradictory ideologies. Idol fan culture, too, is built on hypocrisy, especially in a gachikoi group like gen 1 B-Komachi. The girls are expected to roleplay as being romantically (and implicitly, sexually) available to their fans while also being pure and virginal to the point of farce. None of this shit makes sense! So leaning into that by explicitly acknowledging Ryosuke as a hypocrite and acknowledging these contradictory expectations could only have done the story well.

As it stands, this retcon just doesn't work. Like, look at the Ryosuke we see in those flashbacks - happy, healthy and functional enough to be close to at least two B-Komachi members. Are we really expected to believe that Ai rizzed him so hard she mindbroke him into being a Phantom of the Opera tier basement dwelling incel? Or are we supposed to believe Ryosuke was Like That simultaneously with him dating Nino? Literally no direction you come at this from makes any sense whatsoever lol

Ichigo supposedly knowing about them dating at the time also raises approximately one hundred billion questions. Primarily: DID NO ONE THINK TO TELL THE COPS AT THE TIME??? The guy who brutally murdered Ai in her own home just happened to be banging one of her coworkers who was known to have a bad relationship with her and this just… never came up?? Even though the news report on the incident explicitly says the police were investigating the possibility of an accomplice being involved?? AGAIN, NO MATTER HOW YOU APPROACH THIS TWIST IT JUST DOESN'T WORK…

I will say. For all my complaints, that final exchange between Akane and Nino, about how badly Ai and Nino ultimately just wanted to be regular friends… that really hit. It felt like a little flash of the messed up but deeply, achingly human Nino from 45510 I'd been missing so much every since she was turned into this weird caricature of herself. I'm still incredibly dissatisfied with the majority of her handling after the Movie Arc but if this is the note she gets to go out on, I'll take that W.

Concert time! Congrats to AkaMengo for creating a concert scene that annoyed me even more than the last one!

This is the sort of thing I mean when I talk about the ways in which the narrative has excessively favoured Ruby makes her come off as excessively self-centered in a way that is clearly not intentional. Not only does the story frame her as seemingly taking over the concert but she's also portrayed as the center every time she's on panel - even though that's Kana's position, that she only took in the first place because Ruby pressured her into it. This isn't something that happens by accident - in-universe, this can only have happened because the Strawberry Productions staff pushed Ruby into the center AT KANA'S GRADUATION CONCERT and instead of saying "hey, this is KANA'S GRADUATION CONCERT maybe she should be center", Ruby just went along with it. This is not my girl!!! This is not the Ruby of the First Concert arc!!!

No wonder there are in-universe fans getting pissed off. B-Komachi isn't even real and I'm getting pissed off. Like, can you imagine going to your favourite idol's graduation and her nepo baby coworker who's already constantly upstaging her is hogging the spotlight at her last ever idol performance? I would be physically incapable of not starting to throw rocks.

To make matters worse, the story is continuing to try and push what it flopped out last chapter of Ruby supposedly surpassing Ai as an idol. Like I said last chapter, I didn't buy it then and I extra don't buy it now!

Not only is the story still failing to do the work necessary to believably sell this, but the only way it seems to be able to try is to lean so heavily on Ai associated imagery that the whole thing is at risk of buckling under the weight - the double hoshigans, her outfit and even her popping Ai's iconic volume 1 pose. Not only does this feel generally unearned, it also falls flat as a moment where Ruby is supposed to be strutting her stuff as an idol because she is literally, explicitly, just imitating her mom.

Like… Remember when Aqua and Ruby had that big moment of Aqua telling Ruby not to try and be like Ai anymore and to get out of her shadow? Remember when Ruby and Kana had that heart to heart where Ruby said she'd be a star in her own way and she wouldn't be like Ai? How does that remotely cohere with the story relying so heavily on these callbacks? How am I supposed to believe Ruby has surpassed Ai and is shining in her own way when the seemingly only measure of success in this regard is how much she resembles Ai in the process of doing so?

Ruby has been catching strays left and right pretty much the entire time I've been doing these chapter reviews so let me be clear: I think this sucks because I think this sucks for Ruby. It completely undermines everything the story has previously set up regarding Ruby finding her own way of being an idol and it also cheapens the relationship she previously had with Ai's memory. Instead of the love and reverence she once had for her mother's legacy and efforts, now it feels like Ai has been used as a stepping stone to prop up Ruby's success story. The narrative is fighting for its fucking life to sell us on the idea that Ruby has surpassed Ai, but the execution is so ham-fisted that it ends up doing the opposite. By relying so heavily the imagery of Ai's radiance and her idolhood, it’s clear that the story doesn’t trust Ruby to stand on her own merits.

Like… fuck, man. Maybe this is a lot to read into four splash pages with no dialogue and maybe there's more to come from this concert - Kamiki is watching a live broadcast, after all, so the show is still ongoing. Maybe there'll be something in the concert to come that resolves some of my frustrations here. But this is all so consistent with the way the story has framed B-Komachi for almost 100 chapters now that it's hard for me to imagine it even recognizing that this is an issue, let alone taking the steps necessary to fix it.

And speaking of Hikaru………. man, what even is there to say about that ending lol

Much like last chapter, anything I could say about it necessarily relies on context and info we don't have yet. This is such an obviously deliberately provocative cliffhanger like last chapters that I don't see the point in trying to speculate too much about what it could all mean when Aka has historically gone hard on fakeouts. All I'll say is that like with last chapter's apparent twist, if the story is straightforwardly going to follow through on what is being presented right now with no additional twist, it will be much worse off for it.

At leas we'll find out next week whether or not that's the case. I ain't gonna lie I fully expected us to be on break again…

[callalillywrites]

Their Sweet Omega 4 (Final)

Part 3 / Series Masterlist

I can't believe this is the last part for their main story. It's not the end though. I'm definitely revisiting them as soon as I can, including something for my upcoming birthday.

This story ends with a bit of spice. I'm not a smut writer by any means, but I felt they deserved to have a bit of fun at the end of their ridiculously fluffy story and the tiny bit of angst I'm giving them in this final part.

Relationship: Alpha!Jake Jensen / Beta!Pre-serum Steve Rogers / Omega!Reader

Word Count: ~2300

Summary: Steve's recovered from his asthma attack, so they decide to have a nice day out together. Someone from their past tries to ruin their day, but they refuse to let that happen as they're meant to have their 'happily ever after'.

Warnings: nothing too drastic, playful Jake, protective-mode activated Jake, some insecurity on Steve's part (again, so sorry), protective Steve and Omega, name calling (bitch - not Steve or Jake), a brief fight, mostly fluff, some spicier content at the end (soft smut)

A/N: It’s proofread but all mistakes are my own.

I do not give permission for my work to be copied or posted on other sites or fed into an AI machine.

*****

By the end of the week, Steve’s feeling much more like himself, recovering well enough from his asthma attack to want some time outside. He finds himself smiling as he watches Jake chase their omega through the park after she stole the last of the cheese sticks they’d brought with them.

“Save me, Stevie,” she squeals when she nears the blanket where he’s resting and watching their antics. She doesn’t quite clear the blanket and land at his side as she hopes. No, Jake captures her inches from her goal and twirls her around, rubbing his goateed chin against her neck. She squeals harder though she’s not doing much to break away.

The delicate gold chain she put on earlier that day gleams as it catches the sunlight, Steve’s class ring dangling from it against her chest. True to her word, she found something of his she could wear as a symbol of their relationship with his heartfelt blessing. He likes seeing it around her neck as much as Jake loves when she wears one of his graphic tees.

“Some hero you are, Beta,” she grouses playfully when Jake finally lets her go. She drops next to Steve’s side and rubs her face against his neck. “Left me to fend for myself against this brute.”

“I’ll show you brute, angel,” Jake promises with a mischievous twinkle in his gaze.

Steve tosses a grape at Jake while nuzzling his cheek against her hair. “What can I do to make it up to you?”

“A kiss would be a nice start,” she says after seeming to think about it for a few minutes.

Steve is all too happy to oblige her. His hands quickly cup her cheeks and tug her closer, so he can settle into a nice, easy rhythm with her. Kisses with their omega are different the ones he shares with Jake, and he finds he can’t get enough of either. He wishes to never forget any details of those differences every time he’s been lucky enough to receive one of her kisses.

When she moves to deepen the kiss, a low growl comes from across the blanket with a quiet warning. “Careful, angel, or I’ll be cutting this outing short.”

“Ah, Alpha, you’re no fun.” She pouts as she pulls away from Steve.

Jake is quick to pick her up and plop her into his lap. “I’ll show you fun if you want, Omega. I’m sure Steve wouldn’t mind helping me with making sure you have all the fun you can handle. What do you say to that, hm?”

She squirms against Jake, earning a groan for her efforts while Steve does his best to adjust his own growing interest in the promise of Jake’s words. He’s been looking forward to and dreading this moment with their omega though he trusts Jake to make sure he’s not excluded or made to look foolish. His experience level isn’t near what others think it should be, even for a Beta. It’s never really bothered him until they found their sweet omega, and now he’s wondering if she’ll even be satisfied with what he might have to offer.

Steve jumps when Omega moves to straddle him, not realizing Jake’s moved behind him and tugging him backward.

“You look off, Stevie. What’s going on?” Omega asks softly, running her hands over his shoulders and across his chest.

His cheeks blaze with heat while his tongue becomes quite tied up. He hasn’t a clue how to put into his words his doubts without fear of being mocked for them. It’s not that he believes Omega will do that and he knows Jake has and will never, but the fear tugs at his insecurities anyway.

“Nobody does anything they don’t want, Beta,” Jake reminds him softly. “That will not change with our sweet Omega here. It’s meant to be fun, messy, and a little silly.”

Jake twists Steve’s face until he can place a soft but promising kiss to his lips.

“It’ll be fine, Beta. You’ll do fine. You always do.”

When Steve turns back to their Omega, he finds to his utmost surprise watery eyes gazing back at him. Not sure what he’s done to create that expression and wanting to fix it, he quickly brings his hands up and swipes at her cheeks.

“Please don’t cry.”

She huffs but leans in to kiss him deeply and thoroughly.

By the time she pulls away, he’s forgotten everything he’d been worried about but the growing situation in his lap.

“Let’s go home, Beta. Privacy and all the time we want to explore each other,” Jake murmurs, already having pushed himself into a kneeling position. His hands sat on Steve’s shoulders, giving them a firm squeeze before nodding toward their Jeep. “Get Omega settled while I pack this stuff up.”

Omega pushes to her feet and pulls Steve up with enthusiasm, tugging him toward the Jeep where she’s more than ready to continue kissing her sweet Beta and showing him exactly how much he means to her and pleases her.

Their path is blocked however mere feet from the Jeep by an Alpha that has Omega going rigid at Steve’s side. The Alpha appears familiar, but it’s not until Steve gets a whiff of the Alpha’s offending scent that realization hits.

“Ah, there’s my café bitch,” the Alpha sneers. “Still playing with this pathetic duo, I see. Figured you’d wise up by now and realize you should be with a real Alpha.”

“When you find a real Alpha better than him,” Omega nods towards where Jake is cleaning up their picnic spot, “then let me know. Until then, we’re busy minding our own business.”

The Alpha grabs her arm and jerks her away from Steve before Steve can even think about acting. His rough grabbing grip is enough to pull a wounded whine from Omega.

“Let her go.”

“Make me, Beta.”

It doesn’t matter that the Alpha is twice his size. Steve ensures he won’t miss and hit Omega, then throws the hardest punch he can. He even makes contact before the Alpha shoves him down and kicks him hard across his middle.

“Steve!”

He can hear Omega really struggling then. She’s kicking and scratching from the sounds he can make out. A few grunts from the Alpha confirm she’s doing some damage, but it’s not enough to have the Alpha forget about Steve’s prone form or the grip he continues to have on her. When Steve feels an opportunity to get up and place himself in a defensive position, the Alpha knocks him back down.

Everything shifts mere moments later when Jake notices what’s going on and approaches. Pure rage exudes from him as he confronts the other Alpha. In the deepest voice Steve’s ever heard, Jake commands, “Let my Omega go now, and step away from my Beta. I won’t warn you again.”

Lifting to his hands and knees, Steve turns himself over and finds the other Alpha doing exactly what Jake’s commanded.

Omega wastes no time dropping to ground beside Steve and checking him over. Soft hands skim over his tender skin while several tears trail down her cheeks. Her anger simmers below her deepening concern for him, and it heartens him to feel it.

“I’m okay. Just bruises. Nothing cracked or broken. Taken harder hits from lesser bullies than this one,” he assures.

“Omega, take Stevie to the Jeep. I’ve got a bit more trash to toss out.” Jake doesn’t wait for her to follow his instructions before turning on the other Alpha. “If you ever look or think about touching what’s mine again, you won’t live long enough to regret it.”

That’s all Steve hears as Omega helps him up and takes him to the Jeep where they crawl into the back. She has him rest along the seat, his head in her lap much like he’d done the day after his asthma attack.

“Are we lightning rods for jerks or what?” she asks, breaking the silence.

Steve laughs, then groans.

She’s not wrong as they have had a few run-ins since she came into their lives. Most didn’t bother going too far with a few exceptions. This is the first one to actually attack them so boldly with their Alpha nearby. Not the smartest but definitely the boldest, and he’ll live to pay for it. Steve’s certain about that as Jake’s instincts go into overdrive where he (and now their Omega) are concerned.

“Sorry, sorry.”

Steve’s heart warms at her quick apology, not wanting him to hurt more than he already is. The pain isn’t as bad as some of his previous encounters with bullies, but he’s sure to feel the few kicks he’s taken for a couple of days. Yet, he knows it’s worth it to have her safe and at his side where she belongs.

“I love you, angel,” he says quietly, happily.

“You can’t say that when we’re not in the best position for me to kiss you senseless because I love you, too, Steve. So, so much.”

He smiles while his heart pounds in his chest. He almost believes he might be having heart problems if she hadn’t just said the very words to make one of his biggest dreams come true.

His breath gets caught when she runs her thumb over his lips, a promise of more to come.

When Jake opens the passenger door closest to Omega, he peers into the Jeep with a slight furrow and frown marring his handsome features.

Omega quickly reaches out to smooth them away as she quietly assures him that they are fine.

“He won’t be bothering us again. I swear,” he promises them, his hand reaching out to cup both Steve’s and Omega’s cheeks. “You are mine to protect, and I’ll do that with every breath I have in me. I won’t lose either of you.”

“Take us home, Alpha,” Omega says softly. “I’m not letting either of you claim me in a car even though I really want to be claimed by you both already.”

Steve manages to not hurt himself as laughter bubbles out of him again.

Jake’s frown shifts into a cheeky smile as he nods. “Whatever our Omega wants, she’s going to get.”

Jake quickly shuts the door and hops into the driver’s seat. He gets them home in record time while also taking care of Steve’s bruised state, helping them both from the back seat and ushering them gently inside.

Clothes are discarded as soon as they make it to the bedroom. Steve’s a little slower but no less enthusiastic than the others.

Omega and Jake both hiss at the marks already outlining where the other Alpha had gotten Steve across his middle.

“I’m fine. I want this. Please.”

Steve worries for a moment that they’ll try and put this off, forcing him to endure his niggling insecurities once more.

They don’t.

Both are gentler than they might’ve been if Steve hadn’t taken a beating, but they make sure that Steve is as comfortable and thoroughly ready to go as they are before they fall onto the bed together. He’s quick to return the favor, following Jake’s lead as they prepare their sweet Omega for their first time together.

She surprises them with her lack of shyness despite some nerves peeking through at first, wanting to play as much as they do.

While Jake worships her body, she beckons Steve closer to learn what makes him putty in her hands.

“Need you, too, Stevie. Let me make you feel good.”

He nearly loses it when she finds one particular spot, which she encourages by returning to that spot every chance she can get while fighting to hold off her own pleasure. Jake’s not the least bit deterred but more determined to get her to let go while she brings Steve to his end.

“Snacks, then we’re going again,” Jake promises, palming himself before he heads off and gathers up some nourishment.

Omega nuzzles into Steve’s side and presses kisses along his skin.

“You two will be the death of me,” Steve whispers.

“Could say the same about you, Stevie,” she counters. “What a way to go though.”

He can’t help agreeing as Jake returns with his arms loaded with snacks and some drinks to revive them. His gloriously naked form never fails to get a rise out of Steve, or it seems their sweet Omega as she purrs next to him. He doesn’t realize it’s the sight of them both that has her eager. Not yet, but he will. Her renewed arousal fills the room and soon has Jake rumbling his need for them again and Steve groaning that same desire.

The next couple of hours are full of pleasure as each of them finds new ways to bring the others pleasure until they finally culminate their evening with new bite marks adorning their shoulders. Two for their sweet omega, and one for each of them. Omega rests between them, her hands lazily running over their cooling bodies as she hums her satisfaction.

“Thank you, my Alpha. My Beta. That was the best way to end a good day,” she says in a sleepy voice, so close to drifting off.

“Anytime, angel,” Jake whispers, grabbing her hand and pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

Feeling too good to care about the kicks he took earlier, Steve shifts up and leans over her, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. “Sweet dreams, our sweet Omega.”

“Always and forever yours” slips past her lips as sleep fully claims her.

*****

Verse Masterlist / Main Masterlist

Tag List: @thezombieprostitute

[skania]

Aqua, Akane and their relationship during his "Freedom" period

I know a lot of people dismiss Aqua's words to Akane in Chapter 97 because he wasn't shown being all smiles during their time together, but I think those people forget that Aqua has a very complex, very difficult, very painful rapport with happiness.

He has lived his entire life, be it as Goro or as Aqua, feeling guilty. Goro quite literally felt guilty for existing: he couldn't forgive himself for living at the expense of his mother. This guilt is accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness: he beats himself up because he couldn't do more for Sarina, and as Aqua he blames himself because he couldn't save Ai.

He assigns no worth to his own life. He has panic attacks when he lets himself enjoy things. Even something as innocent as Ruby reminding him of Sarina makes him think that he is unforgivable because he doesn't deserve salvation.

After living this way for so long, it's only natural that he still struggles with allowing himself to be happy during his "Freedom" period.

To make matters worse, this newfound freedom was born from Aqua running away from the truth and from all his issues. Ichigo said so himself, there is no way Aqua didn't notice the loophole. Himekawa literally tells him what age he was when his dad died, some simple math would've automatically let Aqua realize that the timeline didn't add-up.

But Aqua didn't want to realize it. He blinded himself to the truth because Himekawa gave him the escape he has been desperately yearning for since (at least) the TB arc.

Since Aqua didn't actually solve any of his issues and traumas, it's to be expected that they keep weighting down on him throughout that year. After all, healing takes time.

We see this weight very clearly in his dynamic with Kana, since his Ai-related trauma is the biggest factor in him completely avoiding her.

We naturally also see it in his dynamic with Akane.

Three examples come to mind:

Akane tells him that she enjoys being with him. We know for a fact that Aqua is reluctant to part ways with Akane, which means he enjoys being with her too. But he isn't used to letting himself enjoy things. So, how does Aqua react?

His guilt flares up and he focuses on how undeserving he is of her, even trying to convince her (and himself) that their relationship is nothing but a lie.

Something very similar happens here:

Akane tells Aqua that she wants to see him, and Aqua looks torn before admitting that he wants to see her too. It'd be easy to interpret his expression as Aqua feeling guilty because he is about to lie to Akane, specially since this page is followed by a page of Kana crying over him. But I believe it's the opposite.

We see him that very chapter asking Akane about her schedule so they can see each other. This alone shows that Aqua does want to see Akane, and the fact that Akane later says that Aqua has been doing his best not to lie to her confirms Aqua is being truthful when he tells her that he wants to see her soon, too.

So, why does he make that sad face?

I believe it's his guilt flaring up again. Knowing him, I bet that thoughts like these ran through his mind:

Does someone like me really deserve to live a normal relationship like this? Would Akane want to see me if she knew that I'm the reincarnation of Goro Amamiya? It it okay for me to want to see Akane even though I know Kana is hurting because I've been avoiding her?

Still, it's important to notice that we can see the positive effect that time has had on Aqua. During that first example, Aqua tried to put up a wall between him and Akane by claiming that their relationship wasn't real; during the second, he hesitates but ultimately admits that he returns the feeling and wants to see her too.

This trend of Aqua becoming more open with time continues in the last example, which comes precisely from Chapter 97:

Akane confirms that she is glad that she is dating him, that he makes her happy, and Aqua looks utterly caught off-guard, as if the thought of being able to make Akane happy was shocking to him.

His most telling reaction happens right after, though:

Aqua's lips tremble. He looks near tears. Why?

Because to him, who felt like he was underserving of salvation, being with Akane has felt remarkably close to it.

I feel that this moment right here contextualizes all the examples I mentioned before: Akane does make him happy and he doesn't know what to do about it half the time, because he isn't sure if he deserves that happiness at all. But Akane makes him feel like he just might.

And the truth is that he doesn't want to give up on it—on her, because to him his relationship with Akane has become synonym to the happiness that has been eluding him all along.

So I personally can't dismiss his words to her during Chapter 97, because to me they are actually meant to reveal the way Aqua has been feeling all along.

[bunnakit]

top 5 most unhinged scenes!!

ask me my top 5 bl anything 🌸

this is gonna require some serious thought hmmm

i mean this is the gold star right now, right? there's a reason yai is my pfp these days and it's because that was my exact facial expression throughout this whole scene. gobsmacked, elated, excited -- i really ran a whole gambit of emotions (i still am tbh)

i saw this moment out of context as the show was airing and i was like oh hell yeah a feisty lil guy - and then i got to the scene and i was like oh yeah no that's actually completely fair, he deserves a chomp. i would be so pissed if i was ai di and probably would have done the same. (and i enjoy you can see him think about going back in for another kiss tho)

sorry for the blood but like. this scene. this fucking scene. i can't remember ever crying so hard at anything. an open heart massage or resuscitative thoracotomy is a very real thing and is only performed in extreme emergencies when sign of life is still present. i don't think it would have done anything to help tin given the circumstances but the absolute desperation from sing to do anything to save his best friend was gut wrenching. and then to move from this into tol's grief and denial? this episode fucked me up so badly i had to take a lap around my house and do some breathing exercises.

i wasn't going to include kiseki: dear to me again but truly, what in the strawberry huckleberry fuck was chen dong yang thinking here? you're going to teach ai di about loss? ai di??? the orphan who lost his mom to a drug addiction??? who has only ever tried to protect chen yi? yeah, no, i think he knows a thing or two about loss, i don't think this "lesson" was necessary. i'm so fucking glad i wasn't watching this as it came out, i remember the screaming on my dash and i was FILLED with fear.

i did really enjoy we could see how aware of his surroundings ai di is at all times, though. his eyes scanned the area for just a moment and he was locked ON to that gun. baby boy might be a feral menace but he's good at what he does.

i am still reeling from this. you wanna run that by me again chief?

i'm going to be honest with you guys, i've been in this situation. i was dating this guy for maybe two weeks. he was going to get signed to a major league baseball team relatively soon (i've dated a whole cast of characters,) really nice guy, would come see me at work just because he missed me, almost everything was a big green flag. UNTIL. out of nowhere he says "hey do you want to have kids?" and i was like yeah idk maybe eventually and he replied "no i mean like now"

what the fuck do you mean??? hello???

needless to say uhh i found a tactful way to break up with him after that because what the fuck.

bls sure are a fucking RIDE and i am grateful for my new companion yai to really sum up my feelings about each and every one of these scenes (and all the ones to come)

[anonymousbeefriendfanfics]

My Thoughts on Touchstarved

So, I've finished the demo! Let me start off by saying that I love the story! The concept is awesome, I adore that you can choose your own background, I love how immersive the setting is, everything is just... amazing. I can't wait for the full game to come out! Especially with all the special treats we're getting from the Kickstarter goals, it's going to be fantastic! And now, my friends, I shall share with you my thoughts & Headcannons for each of our lovely love interests, in order of appearance. If you'd like to see more, my requests are open!! I haven't gotten any for Touchstarved yet but I'm itching to write for them, I just... need some inspiration, so the more the merrier!

Kuras

First of all: pretty. I love his design, it's wonderful. He looks so ethereal! And very doctor-y, which was the point.

Can we talk about the hair, though???? How cool is that?? I love it. It looks very soft and fluffy. And so long... Could you imagine sleeping next to him? You wake up and you're drowning in floof.

He's very kind and gentle, but is obviously holding back. He distances himself from people, and like everybody else on this list, he needs to find someone he can really trust to open up and be himself with.

And he stays so busy, like... when does he ever take the time to relax? I know the city needs him and his clinic, but he deserves some time off, too.

To be honest Kuras gives me kinda like.... asexual vibes? Maybe demisexual? Idk, maybe I'm reading too much into him being reserved, but. I just feel like he either wouldn't be interested or he'd want to fall in love with someone before taking them to bed.

Leander

I love him, he's incredible. So talented, so kind!! I love the respect the Bloodhounds have for him, and how willing he is to go out of his way to help a stranger.

Also he blushes very easily and I love it, he's absolutely adorable

I am very very curious how he got so much skill with magic, because that doesn't seem to be normal. I bet it has something to do with his secret.

He very clearly has some serious trauma in his past, too. I wonder how he got that scar, if it has anything to do with his magic, if it is indeed the same scar running from his face to his arm....

Seems like he drowns his trauma in alcohol, his gang, and keeping himself very busy. Poor thing clearly doesn't get as much sleep as he should.

I think he just wants to be loved, but he's afraid to let himself be too vulnerable.

Vere

Foxboy Foxboy Foxboy Foxboy Fox-

Can I just say that I'm a little bit in love with his design. I mean I am with all of them but. Especially Vere. I love foxes and it's just. *Chef's kiss*

He's a cocky lil son of a biscuit tho. That tongue of his is quite sharp... as are his teeth~

I feel like he'd flirt with a Soulless to get what he wanted. In actuality he'd just murder it, but... you get my point. You're never sure if he's gonna seduce you or slit your neck.

Literally if Sage and Rime from Last Legacy had a child.

He's absolutely not trustworthy but I wanna get to the bottom of things and form that trust with him.

Romancing him would be very interesting. He's always three seconds away from eating you, but the question is... will he eat your soul, or your [redacted]?

Ais

He reminds me far too much of my friend's OC, and for that, I am the sliiiightest bit obsessed with him. At least that gives me a headstart on his characterization.

Would sell you to Satan for one cornchip, but fortunately MC interests him enough to keep them around

And Princess???? Oh my god. My heart. I adore her, I adore him, yes please

And he calls the MC "Sparrow"!!! That's absolutely precious. I love how he has nicknames for people, it's wonderful

Ais seems like the person who will tell you he doesn't care what happens to you and you can go get yourself killed for all he cares, then move heaven and earth to save you once you're even slightly in danger.

Mhin

Baby needs a hug. Enough said.

l absolutely adore them. They have stolen my heart.

And yes, maybe I do have the slightest bit of a savior complex, shut up. I'm just addicted to the hurt/comfort angst of it all, okay?

Literally hates everyone and everyone hates them (Except for, y'know, Kuras) because they're such a grumpy little loner and dear god just let me love you, let me teach you what love is.

They definitely fit into the whole "stronger than they appear" archetype because they're specifically mentioned to be pretty scrawny, but they have an impressive amount of strength and holy hells they're good with that dagger. That's incredible skill

I just. I want to break down those walls and earn their trust and teach them they have someone they can rely on who won't betray them, no matter what happens or how dark things get.

I just want to cuddle them and reassure them that everything's gonna be alright, is that a crime?

[jester089]

It's an improvement

This isn't a request. But It's a good idea I want to write for. It's just going to be short and my ideas on it. TADC Crew x Therapist Reader

Caine

Caine really really appreciates you. You keep people alive, AND you are someone who professionally knows about humans and how they work so you can teach him stuff. He's constantly asking you questions, and existing around you seeing how you act. Just since your arrival no one has abstracted, and the adventures and circus as a whole are much more hospitable. You truly are the person the circus needed to be, well to be ok. At least for now. But all these people's problems, this AI trying to learn about humans from you, the stress of the fact you're now in a digital world. It's a lot. You can save them, but no one is going to save you. And you just have to deal with that. This world needs you, and if you go. Then so does it.

Gangle

You helped Gangle with her insecurity and self worth. You got her to be more confident and stand up for herself. Something she honestly loves you for. So she asked you out, she just felt so cared for and loved around you. You said no cause you don't date your patients, she was hurt but didn't blame you. But she relapsed into old bad habits, this time without you to help her out of them. She started all together avoiding you. It was just hard to look you in the face when you know all her deepest secrets, and the fact that she has feelings for you. At first you made the circus easier, better even. Now you make it harder for her. And Gangle blames no one but herself for all that's happening to her. Even starts to feel like she deserves it. "If I don't deserve this, then why does this always happen."

Zooble

Zooble would probably hate you at first. You show up and start telling her everything she's doing wrong. That isn't actually what you do but that's what it feels like to her. When, or rather if she gives you a chance you could genuinely help her. She still wont be nice to the others or you, but you can help her out in the long run. At least not for a while. But you might make her able to make friends. Which at the moment she'll say she doesn't need others. But no one can survive alone forever. And despite that being what she wants and what she says, that still applies to her.

Kinger

Honestly weirdly enough you don't help Kinger. He may be seen as crazy but he's still alive, and he isn't going anywhere anytime soon. He's lived in this world for so long and has found a way of life that works. He honestly doesn't need help, at least not while still in here. Once out in the real world he will though. He doesn't need help though. He just needs a friend. Someone to casually talk to. Someone to hang out with. Someone who wont call him crazy. And you're more then happy to be that friend. And because you aren't patient and doctor something could actually stem from that. If you both want that at least.

Ragatha

You two are a power duo here. You keep everyone ok, she helps out more as a low down friend type person, and you as a professional. You two alone keep the circus running and people alive. And despite how much Ragatha insists that she doesn't need help/sessions she does. She's a tough cookie and wont admit it, but you can still get through to her. Despite what she says she needs it. So keep working hard. All you need is her to trust you, and you to constantly pester her about it. And eventually she'll break and let you help her.

Jax

Jax is going to openly agree to getting your help. At first he just planned on using it as a way to mess with you. But then you actually made him realize a lot and actually start helping within not a lot of time passage. Then he started genuinely going to your sessions. And with enough time and hard work he turned into an amazing person to be around. He's still vulgar and often rude. But he doesn't bully anymore, and actually goes out of his way to make others days better. You know you two aren't related but you're proud of him. He made so much progress and genuinely improved. And sure you helped. But you can't improve unless you want to. So the fact that he made that much progress especially in such a short time shows that he isn't a horrible person, he just didn't know better.

Pomni

Thank f#$%. She needs this so badly. You help her out with her anxiety, a lot. You know this place isn't good but you help her get at least kind of used to it despite you getting here after her. She'll still look for an exit but she feels like it's actually possible now with your support. Before she was just frantic and panicking. But now it feels like a genuine and attainable goal. With time and effort she starts to calm down and feel, happy! Feel calm. It's a strange sensation to her, but not bad strange. And once she does calm down she starts really appreciating smaller things. "Like sure this place is a prison and I'm here unwillingly. But not much I can do about that. And it is really pretty outside today. And while I'm here I don't have to worry like back in the real world. Nothing is expected of me. All I have to do is just exist. I can do that."

(I enjoyed writing this. And will maybe expand upon this in the future. Maybe. I still have a whole lot of requests to get through.)

xoxo, Jester

[yuseirra]

An analysis of Aqua Hoshino's character and drive & his feelings towards kana

**oshi no ko spoilers**

I'd been following onk time to time, but I def decided to pick it back up after having read aqua's feelings towards kana was confirmed in the recent chapters.

I was all like YES!! Finally!! About time!! because I thought that was something really obvious throughout this piece. I never saw it any other way. (This is my personal take, no offense on anyone who's thought otherwise!!) I wouldn't say I was entirely satisfied with all the things that happened in between..things were a bit messy. I still felt his character was always very consistent, however.

I wrote my thoughts about him, like one I did with Ai sometime back in May. so this analysis doesn't reflect the new stuff that's came after that.. but I still think a lot of what I've written here still stands. This is how I personally interpret the character and the stuff that's been going on in his heart. I think he's the most well-written character in this series along with Ai.. I was impressed about it when I first got into this series, I hope that will remain until the end

*this was originally written in a different language. It's machine-translated+ edited a little to make more sense

I've heard some spoilers about the development of onk, and I feel I did a pretty job with bringing Aqua's character right in my fan comics of him! It was all on point. I wrote a lot of analysis about Aqua's psychology but it's all gone, I wish some of it were left... Aqua's love for Kana is something that's been hinted at a lot, and I don't think there's much room to believe otherwise. I think it's pretty obvious that he's been in love with Kana the whole time. He'd been acting the way he is because the character is very mentally cornered and in self-doubt that he doesn't deserve to find happiness. In turn, he represses his feelings, but when he becomes a little cheerful, you see him turning his attention to Kana, and when he sees Kana, he's revitalized. If you follow Aqua's feelings, it's very natural that it comes out like this, he has a crush on Kana. I'm proud that I recognized that in the latest development, I'm proud that I recognized it properly. I'm so proud. But there was a lot of plot device and all leading up to it, so…I think it was in vol 10? When he thought he didn't have to take revenge, Aqua smiled relaxedly as if he had been saved for a while and dated Kana, so I think the reason he's trying to take revenge is because of his guilt over Ai rather than it being its true wants. He hates himself for having been unable to save the ones he's cared for, and he's so miserable and tormented that he doesn't care what happens to him. The funny thing is that even though he can't tolerate himself being happy, he's happy when he sees Kana. He feels both good and troubled because he can't help having her brightening his mood up again. He didn't have the heart to fully enjoy those feelings, but as soon as he thought there was no need to revenge, he straight makes a move on kana. The reason why Aqua dived back to continue his vengeance is because he realized that the person he was to revenge was still alive and well.

In fact, revenge is a way for Aqua to inflict sufferings to himself. If you look at his psychology, he doesn't enjoy revenge, but rather wants to be comfortable, and he was mentally exhausted to the point where he thought he would die after he finished her revenge (that's how his vows to revenge acted as his reason to continue living for awhile), but when he met someone he liked (Kana) or someone who cared for him(Akane), aqua starts to realize that he has more to live for. There's also Ruby, the precious child he once wanted to protect in his past life but couldn't. At this point, if Aqua goes through with his revenge, he might actually make himself even more unhappy, because he's going to make all those precious people around him suffer with him if he does. He can't just throw himself away now because seeing them makes him want to live a little longer, wish to be happy.

I think the major deal here would have to do with how the "revenge" will be brought out. That is something that's brought in as the main conflict element of the work. Ai's death is the most powerful event in the story, as it's the trigger, and it has a very strong grip on the characters, and it needs to have a strong grip on the story. I don't think any of the readers would want to see it fizzle out.

However, Aqua… I think he's a well-described character. This guy hasn't changed at all. Heck, he's not even that tough. He's not that relentless or decisive, so I'm not sure if he's really going to cut it for the revenge, and I don't think revenge will make him so happy (That's why I think Kana is the one who should take him. I'm not saying they have to be together, but I'd be happy if they end up walking in the same direction in the future. The reason why I support Aqukana is because they have mutual feelings towards each other and they're happy to be together. I think it would be nice to see that happen, but let's see how things'll play out..) I believe the method aqua COULD work with is to give the person he's revenging more trauma than he's experienced himself, and I think that can happen from conveying Ai's true feelings to the said character. Aqua seems to be aiming for that.

One of the keywords of this work is "lie", but the work seems to imply that there is some sincerity in the lies. Ai says that her lies were also love, and I wonder if something about that will come out again?

Anyway, it seems that the Ai's sincerity was not properly conveyed to the person Aqua wants to get revenge on. When told to them in hindsight, it must be something that can shock them in some way, and it seems that Ai herself wanted for it get across too. That's why Aqua wants to create the movie. I feel it's the right direction for him to do so as well, for it'll be passing on Ai's will.

+ Below are some more thoughts about Aqua's psyche.

Aqua is a character that deserves to be psychoanalyzed. I listened to Mephisto again after a long time, and I think the song really captures the character's psychology. I think the deepest core of Aqua's character is that he can't forgive herself for things that he's not really responsible for, and he punishes herself for that, and that punishment manifests itself in the form of not being able to allow himself to be happy, giving up and letting go to extreme extents. He does not value himself.

I think this is an attitude that is carried over from the character's previous life, and I think the death of his mother during his birth weighed heavily on him. He originally wanted to be a surgeon, but he switched to obstetrics and gynecology, and this was the beginning of his struggle. It appears like he was living a somewhat cheerful life up to this point, but that wasn't all, the guilt that he caused his mother's death was always there. Because before dying and being reincarnated, he mentioned something like "I thought that people like me would fall to hell"<. This was in episode 1, so I wondered just what's made him feel that way. If you review the whole story so far, that's about the only reason I feel could explain him downplay himself like that. He was a doctor. He had a life where he tried a lot and achieved something, being murdered and had it all reaped away, he doesn't seem to be so resentful and angry about this. The last thing he thinks is that he should be next to Ai and watch her over well as a doctor. I don't think this is because he has no attachment to his former life, rather, it's probably because he never placed a lot of value on himself., He didn't have a painful life like Ruby did, and he was a really kind and good person his previous life, so it's not like he needs to be so condescending about himself but he's like that.

This attitude of his continues, and Aqua is a bit obsessive about protecting other people's lives because he thinks he's taken someone else's life just by being born. It only worsens after he fails to save a patient he cared about, and his idol, his mother in this life, dies in front of his eyes. Even though he became a doctor and learned medical knowledge to save someone, in the former case, it wasn't a patient she could save, and in the latter case, he was young to do something and with Ai being critically injured, there was nothing that could be done.

The compulsion that was already there could only intensify, and with the death of Ai, I think this character completely lets go of his reason to live, because he hates himself for being so helpless. I think it's easier for him to take all the blame for the situation (even though it's all external factor, and he's not responsible for it) and take all the resentment and sadness for the situation on himself. If you look closely, you can see that even though he says he's going to kill the person who killed his child, he's not really interested in the person himself: what does he look like, how is he living, does he have a family, what is his psychology, why did he kill Ai, etc. If you look at the lyrics of Mephisto, it's like, "I don't care what happens to me as long as you survive," which is very self-loathing. Aqua is in a very precarious state, and he's very depressed. He tries to convince himself that finding and avenging the one responsible for Ai's murder is his sole purpose to live. He can't allow herself to be happy, because his mindset goes: "Ai's suffered such misery, and I dare be happy and live a normal life? No can do, I couldn't protect her, I don't deserve that". <This thought acts as punishment to his unforgivable self, and it prevents him from fully enjoying other things and living in peace.

There are two main ways that this character can make himself feel better: first, in terms of his own behavior, he seems to feel better by helping others. Even though his behavior keeps hurting the girls' feelings, Aqua is a character who likes to help others. He's good at supporting others, and he's often seen smiling behind their backs after having done so. I think the fact that he felt saved when he realized Ruby was the patient he cared about is an extension of this, and it fits his personality to believe it's enough for him to see the girl he couldn't save is living happily If other people are happy, he's happy. That's his core personality.

The other would be to find something to like and love, which, unlike the act of helping others earlier, is not something Aqua does on purpose, but something he came to naturally find in his new life. And it was Kana who gave this to Aqua.

This is why Aqua likes Kana but keeps her at a distance. He's not supposed to be happy, but whenever he thinks, "I want to be happy…" Aqua sees Kana. Spending time with Kana makes Aqua happy. When he think of happy memories, Kana fills him up. She makes him smile, laugh, and relax. He seems to like people like Kana, and he never gets tired of watching her, just as he enjoyed watching her as a fan. 'I'm going to die, I'm not going to be happy, and she's a celebrity now, and being close to me is scandalous, and there's nothing good about being close to me, and I'm in the dark (laughs), and I'm going to lose my humanity and become a vengeance demon, and she's going to be unhappy with me'. He tries to convince himself he's no good, but he still ends up hanging with her because, well, he likes her and it happens. And then he pushes Kana away, because he thinks there are reasons why him and Kana wouldn't work out. He thinks it's bad for her. This leads Kana to think Aqua doesn't have feelings for her, but she still likes him through all that;;; and it's been like that the whole time. That's why they made so little progress while they have mutual feelings towards one another. Aqua needs to forgive himself first before anything, but on his path of revenge due to him being unable to do that, he's done even more unforgivable things that he thinks are unforgivable, he's really screwed up now. He's put himself in a really tough spot.

The fact that someone who's not that compatible with revenge and whose personality is kind in essence is trying to force it (this ties in with Aqua's characterization two paragraphs above, that he likes to help others. Aqua thinks that he was unable to do anything for Ai, so he can't give up her revenge because he thinks going through with it is for Ai's sake), he wavers, and even though he seems to be calm, he keeps hesitating and stumbling. And while doing so, he's hurt the people around him over and over, making him feel self-deprecating and self-hating. That's a really bad cycle. Aqua actually cares a lot about the people around him. If Akane, Ruby, Kana, or the couple who raised him are in danger, he'll hold off on revenge AGAIN. But he can't give up on revenge either. As long as he thinks about Ai, he won't give up.

The only way for Aqua to be truly happy is to live with people who love him. But he also has to make sure that he's done the right thing for Ai, and I think the key is to really understand what she wanted. If she actually fully embraced the person who murdered her… I think that'd be cruel. I don't think it should be so. Idols are people, too. They shouldn't have to accept everything. Should they refuse to hate and resent others even though they died so unjustly? I don't think the manga will go that way, and I think while Ai always smiled, she had some darkness in her heart. So I'm not sure how this will be resolved at this stage, but that's that.

In this piece, Kana is the one who makes Aqua smile at the moment. So it seems like going in that direction would be happiness for this character, but in order for Aqua to get there, he needs to tie the knot with Ai and stop hating himself. I don't know how that's going to happen, but if this comic is going to have a happy ending, it's going to happen. I don't know how it'd get there, but I don't think this comic is going to have an unhappy ending for Aqua at all. I don't think it's going to end in tragedy. That is all!

[cricket-reader]

His Everything

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Summary: Peter freaks out when you don’t answer his calls. He finds you handcuffed to a chair as Spider-Man. You tell him things afterwards, making Peter question how good of a boyfriend he really is.

Warnings: language, torture, kidnapping, mentions of death, crying

Word Count: 1480

Prompt: "It's not as bad as it looks.” Handcuffs | Swelling | Flinch

A/N: Day 5 of June of Doom by @juneofdoom (Set after NWH but no spoilers)

Your wrists throbbed within the unforgiving grip of the handcuffs, their weight a constant reminder of your vulnerability. The swelling around your wrists made every movement an agonizing ordeal. As you tugged against the restraints, a muffled whimper escaped your lips.

You had been taken whilst on a walk. While you wished you could have been more prepared or maybe wished you had seen it coming, nothing could change the fact that it was so sudden. Unlike in the books you had read, you didn’t have any sort of premonition that warned you against going out for that walk. There were no warning signs or red flags blatantly obvious. It had happened without any sort of warning. One moment you were casually strolling through the streets of New York, next you were being knocked unconscious by a man wearing all black in the middle of the day.

How someone didn’t see the spectacle go down baffled you. Perhaps they did see it; they just didn’t get involved. That was a thing you learned in your psychology class: the bystander effect. Only now were you fully realising how shitty it was.

So there you were, sitting in a damp, musty cell with no hope of rescue. You hoped that maybe your boyfriend would notice your absence and call the police once he couldn’t get ahold of you. But you knew he’d probably think that you were just busy or didn’t want to talk. He knew that school got tough sometimes, so he never blamed you if you couldn’t talk to him. Hence it would probably take a long time for anyone to find you.

You flinched as the door opened, wishing that the ground would swallow you whole. You didn’t want to die, not with Peter waiting for you at his house. He was such a good person and he didn’t deserve to worry about some nobody like you as you knew he would. Sometimes he was too good for his own good. Something you didn’t know the full weight of quite yet.

“I hear you’re close to Spider-Man,” the captor said, an ugly sneer on his face.

Brows furrowed, you replied, “I’ve never even met him once. He has never saved me or anything.”

“You’re lying.”

“I swear I’m not lying!”

“Bullshit.”

You tried to press yourself further into your chair when he approached you. Your gut was turning and breaths were short. Who is this crazy man and what does he want with you?

Your head is snapped to the side as the back of his hand makes contact with your face. Two marks on your face start bleeding where his bulky rings had hit you. “You better start talking.”

“I don’t know anything, I swear!”

He scoffed as he geared up for a punch. His fist hit you near your right rib cage. You doubled over and groaned. He had a mean swing. Those stupid rings weren’t helping any.

He grabbed you by the hair and yanked your head back up. You cried out, hoping maybe someone would hear you. His fist began driving itself to your body, anywhere he could reach. Your screams and cries did nothing to make him stop, if anything, it only made the twisted man continue his relentless abuse.

Just when you were sure that you could take no more, the glass window to the room shattered. You screamed, and you weren’t sure if it was from the terror or from the last blow he delivered to your stomach.

In an instant, white webs were flown across the room. Guards and your tormentor were wrapped up in the all too familiar spidery substance you had seen on the news. In all your years, you never thought you’d be able to meet a superhero. You just wish it was on better terms.

Spider-Man rushed to your aid, calling out your name in an anguished voice that sounded a bit familiar. Your head drooped, exhaustion tearing you down. You could hear Spider-Man talking to you, telling you everything was going to be okay. You saw him reach for the phone, presumably to call for help.

You grabbed his wrist, not caring that the handcuffs were digging further into your skin. With a weak voice, you muttered, “no ambulance, just take me to the hospital.”

You saw his big white eyes narrow. “I can’t afford an ambulance. Hell, I’ll barely afford the medical bill,” you chucked at your own expense, stopping immediately because it hurt too bad. “If you don’t want to bring me call my boyfriend. He’ll pick me up.”

The hero’s eyes widened again and he rapidly shook his head. “No, no, I can get you to the hospital.”

He searched the man’s pockets, trying to find a key for those pesky handcuffs. He was unsuccessful. Sighing, he decided he’d just have to break them. There was no time to waste. You could be seriously hurt.

When the handcuffs were removed from your wrists, you practically cried out in joy. You rubbed your swollen wrists, wincing at how tender whey were.

“Let’s get you outta here, yeah?” Spider-Man muttered as he helped you up. You limped alongside him down the stairs to the street.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” You had asked him. He seemed so familiar. His eyes widened.

“You’ve uh… probably seen me before, y’know… as Spider-Man,” he stumbled over his words. You almost laughed at how he tried to make his voice sound deeper. It was adorable. It reminded you of something that Peter would do.

You gasped, “Peter!”

Spider-Man’s head whipped towards you. “I have to tell him I’m okay, that’s my boyfriend. He might be worried about me.”

“We can call him when you get to the hospital okay?” Spider-Man gently told her as they got in a cab that he had hailed down. Peter told him to drive to the nearest hospital as fast as he could.

“Okay, sure… I’m sure he probably hasn’t noticed anyway. Y’know I was goin’ over to his apartment to surprise him. He’s been workin’ so hard on school and I jus’ wanted to make him feel better. He’s been so stressed lately.” You pouted. “Now I s’pose he’s gonna be even more stressed.”

Tears came to your eyes. You wished you could say it was all from the pain, but a part of you knew that you were sad that your boyfriend would only have more on his plate with you in the hospital.

“Y‘know what… maybe I shouldn’t call him. I don’ wanna burden him any more than he already is.”

Underneath the mask, Peter was crying. He couldn’t respond to you. He knew that you’d pick up on the wobble of his voice if he tried. How could you think such things? You were the most important thing in his life. More important than his classes, more important than his Spider-Man duties. You were his everything.

How could his everything think that she was a burden? It pained his heart to know that you thought that way.

Clearing his throat, he said “I think you should tell him. He’s probably worried out of his mind right now.” He wasn’t wrong. Peter was scared shitless. You never opened up like this to strangers and your head was lolling onto his shoulder.

“C’mon, stay with me, baby. Don’t do this to me!” He pleaded. He couldn’t let someone else leave him. He couldn’t watch another important person in his life die. He didn’t want you to join the list of loved ones he had lost.

Peter didn’t even care that you or the cab driver knew he was crying now. He had every right to cry when the girl he loved was falling into unconsciousness.

“C’mon, baby. Be strong for me, yeah? I know you can do it. You’re so strong.”

Those were the last words you were able to hear before you blacked out.

Upon waking up, you saw your red-eyed boyfriend hunched over in a nearby seat. “Peter?” Your voice came out groggy and dry, but it got his attention. He cried out your name as he ran to your side. Tears were falling from his eyes as he held your hand and called for the nurse.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay, Peter. It's not as bad as it looks. I’m fine really.”

Truthfully you didn’t feel much pain, but that was probably the drugs they had you hooked up on.

“Please don’t leave me, please. I love you too much. Please don’t leave,” he pleaded, like a broken record. You knew your boyfriend had abandonment issues, but you’d never really seen them as bad as in that moment. “It’s okay, Peter. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re my everything you know that?”

You just nodded and rubbed your thumb over his hand. “I know, baby. I know.”

[ignitesthestxrs]

I know you said you’ve gone back into it slowly but any book recs?

yes absolutely!! i have read some bangers lately tbh. also another thing i am trying to do is start uuuh reviewing what i'm reading so i will link a couple of those as well. but here is a sporadic collection of my reading enjoyments of the last year or so!

IF FOUND RETURN TO HELL // THE DEATH I GAVE HIM by Em X. Liu

em is hands down one of the best writers i know with prose that will punch you in the face and leave you asking if you can have another, please.

IF FOUND RETURN TO HELL is a queer found family novella featuring a done-with-this protag working in a wizarding call centre who abruptly comes down with a case of 'sweet angel baby boy possessed by demon hell child' in a broken magical healthcare system where following protocol is more important than like, helping people. so what is journeyman wen to do if not, you know, help anyway?

THE DEATH I GAVE HIM is the queer scifi hamlet retelling of my dreams, which is funny because i didn't care about hamlet until this book taught me how to. a thoughtful exploration on the nature of adaptation, death & immortality, and also what happens when your best friend is an AI and you wanna fuck him.

IN COLD BLOOD by Truman Capote the original true crime novel. still stuck in my truman blorbo moment. full review here

ASSASSIN'S APPRENTICE by Robin Hobb classic 90s fantasy with surprisingly emotional focus on the protag in a way i really dug. unhinged levels of accidental queerbaiting in a way that i enjoyed rather than despaired of. full review here.

PANDORA'S JAR: WOMEN IN THE GREEK MYTHS by Natalie Haynes a great overview of classical women that takes into account multiple sources and the way they have been read over centuries, and how the time in which a tale is being told affects the tale just as much as what the text of the story actually is. does a good job of walking the middle ground between like, historical sexism and the reflexive girlbossification instinct.

IN OTHER LANDS by Sarah Rees Brennan the queer harry potter offshoot we all actually deserve. portal fantasy with an acerbic main character who will save the world out of sheer spite because the world doesn't seem to think he can save it, or want him to do it even if he could. a genuinely lovely musing on the nature of loneliness, what abuse does to a child, how it's hard but possible to overcome the prejudices you learn when you're young, and how eventually, you're going to have to make the decision to let yourself be loved.

SHE WHO BECAME THE SUN by Shelley Parker-Chan truly i don't have the word for how fucking excellent this queer epic fantasy is. set in mongol-ruled china, this book is a masterclass in political intrigue, historical fiction, military fantasy, and also genderfuckery. feat. the kind of tragedy you see coming for several hundred pages and still takes your breath away when it hits, and also lesbian fisting. anyone who says books based in history can't get queer can get fucked.

A MARVELLOUS LIGHT by Freya Marske for a total 180 in mood, here is your queer romantic fantasy set in an Edwardian England that is reflective of the fact that like, queer people did in fact exist in Edwardian England. A lighter fare that nonetheless will hit you right in the heart and leave you delighted that a) there's a second book out now and b) the third one is coming soon. also Freya is an Artiste when it comes to writing good sex scenes, which

i belatedly realise it seems like i'm focusing on in this post but i just! like a queer text that tackles queer sex with nuance and interest and the horror and/or joy of the body, and the above authors are all fucking masters at their art (which includes, but by no means is limited to, writing about fucking)

[penguinkyun]

chapter 155 review

cw for references to canonical unrequited incest and suicidal ideation

i wish there were enough words in all the four languages that i know to express just how much glee this chapter filled me with

but since there aren't y'all are going to have to deal with this hopefully coherent chapter review

first things first is the hikaru (part of the) revenge is over!! leaving him absolutely emotionally devastated! and also leaving me devastated because i was kinda hoping we'd finally address the AqRb Kiss from 12 chapters ago because of the very clear parallels being drawn between aqrb and hkai in terms of the toxic codependency formed between ruby-hikaru and aqua-ai respectively and the way ruby was standing outside with a dark shadow on her face (because we had no idea if she knew where the revenge was happening yet or not) but oh well. guess she does know whats happening but when she found out? who even knows. another thing offscreened sigh

also uh. about the "mama" in the internal narration. i really wish i could confidently say its aqua finally calling ai "mama" but unfortunately both aqua and ruby are in frame, ruby notably being under the text box. (also if anyone else was as confused as i was about the panelling in the beginning, ruby is already present inside the room and is following hikaru out when aqua stops her)

so it's still unclear whether its aqua speaking or ruby so i'll hold off on cheering there (and also imo that if aqua does finally call ai mama i just think it deserves to be bigger moment)

anyways this particular sequence (and the one with ichigo) raises several interesting questions which is how the fucketh did ruby know about where this retelling of the hkai breakup was taking place and also does not answer anything about rubys acting.

by that, i mean we've been told ruby somehow forgave hikaru in the movie but uh...her trying to chase after him with double black hoshigans doesnt exactly convey that she's forgiven him (and neither does her acting considering we don't see any of it. all we see is ruby thinking about if she can forgive hikaru or not in 147 and then all thats shown is her acting out ai's death without a smile on her face (unlike how ai was smiling at the end of her life. so unless that particular tidbit is being saved for later chapters who knows even)

in that same vein it sure is interesting aqua says "your revenge" is over. wonder if that has any implications (it definitely does and i will get to that in a minute)

so with aqua framing the DVD reveal as ruby's revenge being complete, its no surprise that the next few moments are ruby's homecoming.

HEY MIYAKO I THOUGHT AKASAKA FORGOT YOU

god this scene was so so cathartic to read with rubys hoshigans turning to permanent white with her homecoming from her revenge, miyako embracing both the twins and aqua finally getting to break down.

and the parallels with 124 too! in that chapter, miyako was worrying over the twins while a meal was being cooked for her, lamenting that she couldn't understand them as she wasn't their real mother but in 155, she finally gets to embrace them after making a meal for them, getting to finally comfort them in a tangible way

HER CALLING AQUA HER SON!!! FINALLY!!! SHE GETS TO DO THIS!! SHE GETS TO SAY SHES PROUD OF HIM!!! AQUA FINALLY ACCEPTING THE COMFORT HES BEEN DENYING HIMSELF FOR LITERAL YEARS!! BREAKING DOWN AT BEING TOLD HIS MOTHER IS PROUD OF HIM!!!

ahem. right so that felt incredibly good to read thank you akamengo.

(i will say that there is still that niggling thought of like. why miyako didn't follow up after being told point blank that aqua was breaking down and like. i guess you could say she knew he wouldnt accept that comfort and thus opted to wait until he would but it'd still have been nice to see a panel of her at least checking up on him because the only thing we get is her bullshit answer in 142 regarding the incest bait lol and then she just disappears from the movie arc entirely)

anyways im of two minds regarding the ichigo conversation

because if we assume aqua isnt lying here then i dont...really like the implication aqua only chose to not kill kamiki because ruby forgave him (not only because ruby clearly didnt considering her actions earlier lol) but because as a major part of his arc, aqua choosing not to kill kamiki has to be his and his own conscious choice because its been emphasised over and over that aqua cannot kill someone without causing severe psychological and physical damage to himself leading to his own death. him choosing not to kill kamiki is his choosing not to kill himself in the process and thus him consciously choosing that he wants to live.

but i think (and my theory is) that aqua was clearly lying to ichigo here because he's the one to stop ruby from going after hikaru and also because he told ruby her revenge was over. hers, not his. for ruby, her revenge consisted of ruining kamiki and the same went for ichigo. you can see his moment of deliberation here, where he pauses before answering ichigo, without meeting his eyes.

this way, in saying that rubys revenge is over, he has set it up so that both her and ichigo are now free from their self imposed duty of avenging ai (and goro for ruby), essentially giving them the same grace he had during his no hoshigan arc without letting them in on the final act of his play.

WHICH IS MISS FUYUKO NIINO, EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR HER!!

(sidenote its so funny that aqakn are both back into their love now hairstyles. and also akane saying she doesnt have to imitate ai is a textual confirmation of her purposely changing her looks to match who she wants to be like. but as is with the case of this entire arc i sure would've loved to see the character development that led her to finally letting go of ai here!)

(also justice for katayose yura finally shes mentioned again after *checks notes* around 45 chapters!)

(this is the third sidenote i should plan these out better but lmao is this what akane and aqua were doing during the movie arc?? searching for other evidence to hikaru and accidentally stumbling on nino?? itd be hilarious if the only reason nino noticed akanes stalking was because it wasn't hikaru she was stalking but nino instead lmao)

i cannot tell you the sheer delight that filled me when nino appeared. i had been wondering of her role in all this and i had the tentative theory she was also involved in the events leading to ai's death especially considering the hospital sequence because how the fuck would either ryousuke or hikaru gotten that address but man it sure is validating to see that she was somehow involved confirmed!

toxic yuri wins once again!

(that being said, as happy as i am to see nino as the final boss, i will be holding back some of my delight because how her involvement unfolds is important considering how her and ai's fight is framed as an ordinary fight between friends that would've been solved if it was anyone else in the main manga and her character in main manga.

but i suppose that is the point isn't it? love can rot and nino's certainly did, evolving into a complicated mixture of hate, love and unwavering belief in ai as the perfect idol. and well. all a fan wants is to see and help their idol rise to the top, isn't it? why should nino be any different?)

(but also yeah i have a few issues with this im not sure how to put into words ahsjd)

also please read 45510 its very important as a basis for ninos character and this twist as it is a short side story which is in her first person narration discussing her view on ai right before the movie arc!

(also def interesting aqua only attributes ryousukes, goros and yuras deaths to nino and not ai's huh)

no break week!!!

[johnwickb1tsch]

TOP 5 fave Keanu characters? 🌝

Awwww! Ok, Bestie!

John Wick. Obvs... 🥰 I always thought keanu was puppy dog pretty boy sweetie pie cute, but this is the character that has turned me into a rabid fucking little gremlin for him. That he wipes out a whole crime syndicate as revenge for the death of a puppy just RESONATES with me. Like ok, justified, move on. And, he's a wife man. That is just so hot. Le sigh.

Tex Johnson. See above about RFLGS (rabid fucking little gremlin syndrome) That accent, and his butt in those jeans, does things to me. You're right, he is like evil John Wick and I luv him, thank you for having me watch Swedish Dicks!😘😘😘 (Funny story, the other night when my husband asked me what I was watching on my phone and I was like, "Swedish Dicks!" it was just crickets in my house, baaahaa!

Frank from Destination Wedding. I don't think he has a last name in the movie? I fucking love him tho. And I think like him most of the time, which is probably not good but there you have it. LOL. Keanu is so fucking good in that movie, I could eat him with a spoon.

John Constantine. Arrrgffhlskdsldkks. Right? Honestly 2, 3, and 4 here are all about on the same level here. I love this asshole. I want to put him in my pocket. I want to mother the FUCK out of him whether he likes it or not.

Neeeeo. Cinnamon role goth bb boi trying to save the world. He fucking WARNED us about AI years ago, but did we listen??? Noooooooooo. LOL. We get what we deserve now.

What about u, boo?