#and idk if this is corny but this has never been cultivated bc

[sweetcatastrophex]

ive been feeling super weird lately and it’s probably partially bc i’m on my period but do you ever just feel like you’re being pulled in so many directions it might rip you apart? well i’m not gonna rip apart but i feel like so many ppl have been demanding things from me, my attention, my time, my energy, and it’s so draining. i feel like i need some quality alone time. but i’m a people pleaser i guess? i have such a hard time saying no to plans or cancelling on someone so i never do it even tho i should take time for myself. i always put ppl ahead of myself in that way. and then i keep thinking about how lance called me selfish and i can���t get it out of my head. he’s still mad at me about this fight we had two weeks ago and i think i’ll call him later. but i’m feeling so anxious and i can’t focus on work. which is making me more anxious. i stayed up til around 2 or 3 last night bc anthony came over bc he was upset about this situation he’s in with the girl he’s been seeing/the love of his life lol. he told me days ago that he needed a friend to talk to and i would usually drop everything to help a friend, but i wasn’t able to, so i had postponed it for a couple days and didn’t wanna cancel or flake again. and didn’t wanna neglect him as a friend. i wanted to help him out/be a shoulder for him to cry on or just be an ear for him to spill everything out to. i knew that having him come over would mean i wouldn’t have time to activate my new phone, work on my stories for work, or call lance (which i really need to do...), but i had him come over anyway bc he needed it. and this is something i normally wouldn’t think twice about, bc i tend to put peoples’ needs before my own pretty often, but i’m thinking about it now bc lance told me i’m selfish. and i feel guilty for not calling him yet. but i will.  i also keep thinking about the term “empath.” like a lot. i know i’m an empath. not like meaning i have supernatural powers bc obvs that’s ridiculous but i can definitely feel peoples’ emotions vividly. idk how to explain it. ever since i was little ive felt like ive understood how people felt about me. i could sense when a boy had a crush on me and i was always right about it. i would joke to myself that i had a sixth sense, but i never told anyone this out of fear of sounding crazy or narcissistic. but then years later, karen said something similar. something like she knows when a guy likes her or something and i was like yooo we both have a sixth sense. it doesn’t just apply to romantic feelings. and when someone i care about is hurting, it hurts me to the point where it’s (sometimes) physical. today jake told me he loves me bc i’m very compassionate and caring. i think i have a large capacity for empathy and it’s taken me a long time to be able to identify and articulate that. i think it’s part of why so many people are drawn to me. i read somewhere that people who need healing will gravitate towards empaths. that reminds me of my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex. it makes sense. but i also think some guys are attracted to me bc i’m sure of who i am. i’m also a pretty positive person, and i tend to smile a lot (notes ive picked up from people around me lol). i think people who are genuinely happy are naturally attractive. people are drawn to happiness and can tell when someone is feigning it.  i was thinking about this today: i have spent years cultivating my confidence. i would say “cultivating confidence” but i want to say cultivating my confidence bc i feel like its my own, it’s very personal. it’s different for everyone. i’ve spent so much time and energy working on myself, looking inside and analyzing myself, analyzing my insecurities and figuring out how to become more confident, bc i knew that everything i wanted would fall into place after that. i knew i would land any job i wanted, i would get any guy i wanted, etc. lance has told me so many times that i have a good head on my shoulders and that he admires how i’m able to do anything i set my mind to. and idc how corny it sounds, it’s true. i created this formula for myself and it’s worked. i can honestly say i’m happy with where i am in my life. i’m happy with who i am. i think big mouth is the tv show i was watching that touched on this. they said something about people who “know who they are.” i think people who are introspective and have figured themselves out have a certain glow. and they attract people who are still searching.  i think at a young age i realized that fear was stopping me from reaching my potential, and i simply wasn’t having that. i recognized my privilege and wanted to use my resources for good. i knew i had a talent for writing, rampant curiosity, a desire to help others, and a hunger for learning, so i became a journalist. but my point is, i reflected on my high school years a lot and i realized how much of it i spent being nervous. i remember feeling so nervous about such trivial things. and i didn’t want to be held back anymore. so i decided i wouldn’t be.  “So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.” — Sheryl Sandberg  i read that probably around 2013 when i was hearing a lot about sheryl sandberg and her book “lean in.” which makes sense bc my revelation stage/major growth period was around 2012 / 2013.  another thing i’m thinking about: my poor time management skills. they’re bad, yes. i recognize that and i know i need to work on it. but a factor in that is also me tending to my friends’ needs. again, i need to learn to say no to people and put myself first. but then i feel guilty. i need to work on this.