#and i've always wondered 1) am i a femme lesbian?

[smile-files]

i have no desired answer for this!!!!! don't feel pressured to pick an answer based on what my gender actually is :)

responses will inevitably depend on what way you've interacted with me: have you been a long-time follower of mine, or are you new? or did you find this poll by chance, and don't even follow me? are we mutuals or online friends? do you frequently engage with my chatty text posts? have you heard my voice, talking or singing? do you know what i look like and how i dress? do you know which characters i kin? etc.

like all people i'm interested in how i come off to people, so if anything this is just a way for me to get a sense of that lol :P

[mejomonster]

just a rant about gender and dysphoria and happiness and frustrations i guess?

im gonna go on a few more tangents fuck it ToT so for one: while i love that binders exist (truly they're amazing), i personally hate wearing them because for me they feel just like a bra, and a bra makes me feel Not-Great, and i'd much rather wear layers and bigger clothes to hide my chest (while being pissed all genders cannot simply wear no shirt and no Nothing and be treated the same), because the simple thing of Some Constricting Thing on My Chest makes me feel more dysphoric ddkdkd

and then second: so when i was lets say a teenager to in college, i did a lot of varying with my self expression. high school saw me volley from very butch to lazy femme looking frequently. i chopped all my hair off, then got wigs so i could still do those high glam looks when i wanted. in college i tried out long bleached hair deep side part with undercut and cut off sleeve t-shirts (think Pat in Bad Buddy if he was a punk lesbian) and then 1 inch hair when i got fucking sick of long hair like i always do (and many a dad sweater). i got a tiny waist and big fucking hips. big shoulders. so im an hourglass i guess, when i wear anything that fits me. its pretty easy to read 'feminine' to a stranger, when all u gotta do is put on clothes that fit, 1 line of eyeliner, and there u go (and i'd learn later w a face like mine there was no need for the eyeliner... or the rest).

but for a while i just did not Want to Ever read feminine, unless i was on a date with a cute girl, so at work nonstop i wore loose pants to hide my waist size, baggy sweaters, binder, my hair was cut off, no makeup, my usual glasses. on paper i shoulda looked like a hipster guy i guess. in reality every fucking day some customer would say 'ma'am, miss, young lady' to get my attention. and lo and behold i find out i just wont really ever read as butch to a stranger. not with my face -3-)/ i mean yeah. maybe if i took testosterone, if it changes the shape of my face enough. i already have a mustache. i've grown it out, and bleached it, and shaved it, and even at it's longest strangers were like 'hi miss could u help me'. and that was i dunno. an interesting thing for me to realize. to realize that for every stranger i meet, generally, they're going to look at me and think 'marilyn monroe' no matter how i decide to present visually.

and well. i DO like some feminine presenting appearance things. i like lolita dresses, i like dying my hair every color i can get a hold of, i love eyeliner because that part of the teen emo phase never left me. i like bright colored eyeshadows, and drawing fun things with my eyeliner. i like dressing up as high femme as i can if i'm going on a date with a femme, because it's fun to dress up with someone else going to the nines. i like my waist, it's like Link! and Raiden! and Axel! And if they are guys, i can be a guy too (and honestly this is to all guys - you a guy? then you ARE a guy. you don't have to prove that to anyone, or meet some arbitrary standards, there's a wonderful rant Enterprise Incidents Podcast did about 'what is a man? a woman? anything they want' because humans come in infinite diversity and what is a man to one man is not the same as another, its just who that guy themselves IS.)

and well. i decided - if strangers are gonna misgender me no matter what, i might as well stop trying to change my looks to what 'strangers' might prefer from me, and instead just look the way i want to anyway. and of course, college was a good time in some ways. i found tumblr, i found other bisexual people and felt a hell of a lot less alone, i found trans people sharing their experiences, and realize Ayyyyy Dysphoria is what i felt all through high school now it all makes sense why i kept praying for god to turn me into a dude! I already AM a dude! feeling SO much like u are one... u probably ARE already one.

(y'all have no idea how uninformed my knowledge was of trans people in high school was... my school had zero out kids, most kids as naive and uninformed as me - some who would later realize they were trans like me, and the only info i had on trans people was the movie Boys Don't Cry which... that movie's got a host of issues. But what teen mejo took from it was: no one in the world would acknowledge me as a man unless i got surgery. And since i never heard of transgender before, i assumed that meant 'ur gender has to match ur body' hence the praying for years to just wake up a guy. jokes on me! i was already! wishes do come true dkdkdkd. Anyway. It wasn't until getting to college, finding educational resources online, and finding community on tumblr, that i realized Simply Already Feeling I Was a Guy internally... made me one.

And also the much broader, more healing realization for many people including cisgender people: YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, whatever makes you HAPPY, you are the gender you feel you are and that's literally all it requires. You already ARE whatever you are, and your heart knows. Or your heart doesn't, and you explore. But my point is: cisgender men can wear makeup and love it and still be men. Cisgender women can shave their heads and grow lots of body hair and be 6 feet tall and love fishing. Your gender doesn't mean you can't like something or can't do something or can't be something, you can like/do/be WHATEVER YOU WANT. No matter who you are.

And being trans doesn't change that. Yes, there's additional factors: a trans woman who doesn't want big boobs and loves short hair is at risk of being misgendered by strangers more... but so are cis women. So are all women. That doesn't mean masculine hobbies or looks or likes makes you a man, it's just whatever. Strangers making judgements happens for so much bullshit, it doesn't mean they get to define you, strangers opinions do not Decide what you are. Only you do. Cis men and trans men can love makeup, can love baking, whatever the fuck! What makes you a man? Feeling you are a man. What makes you a woman (or anyone)? Feeling she is. Simple as that. What can you do/be/look like in this world? WHATEVER the fuck you WANT.

So yeah. I go through all those realizations in college. (and to get down in the weeds, I probably related to bigender the most as in line with my feelings, which i just label as nonbinary for strangers because... to be honest the number of people who even knew what Nonbinary was when i realized i felt nonbinary was miniscule, even less then the ppl who knew what bisexuality was. i mostly feel like a dude. i still connect with being a woman. maybe its because im nonbinary, but i feel like gender is so dumb in some ways. i'm so happy for y'all who feel gender euphoria, and i recognize a huge portion of people find solace and comfort in strongly feeling like their gender. but at the same time i feel like straight ppl could figure out how to only be attracted to the ppl they like now, even if gender didn't exist. knowing humans, we'd make up a new system to divide humans into classifications like a gender-equivalent construct based on nose shape or eyebrows idk. so its not like humans are about to stop caring about gender, and there'd still be some made up human way of splitting people apart they'd probably use to build inequality idk. humans already do that with a lot of other concepts they made up besides gender.)

the point i'm circling back to is: gender is great for many a person, and the only important thing to really remember is you can be whatever you want in this world, you're allowed. if you're a boy, if you're a girl, if you're nonbinary, if you're agender, whatever body you have, whatever hobbies or likes or talents or whatever. you do not have to be trapped in a box, you're allowed to be Fully You. Whoever that is. You're allowed to conform to expectations of A or B or whatever, you're allowed to do your own thing, you're a human being and whoever you are - is you. You are not broken just because YOU are a bit different than someone else.

and then a third tangent: i hope for cis people to internalize that fucking realization too. I dunno if it's people older than me, or younger, or in the same boat, but sometimes i am just hit Hard by the terror i'll be hearing cis people distraught about. i'll hear how horrified they, a cis woman, are to be 'masculine' or simply to be 'not interpreted by strangers as feminine Enough' (whatever the fuck the Enough Impossible-Standard is that society perpetuates to them - usually a white classist patriarchal conservative ideal, where an ideal woman is 1. white. 2. long haired. 3. wears full makeup. 4. is very skinny 5. is upper class and wears expensive things 6. has no body hair 7. is 'demure' and submissive and caretaking and sweet and innocent OR sexy and appealing to others etc).

So many cis women I see crying, full on horrified, because they're overweight. Dieting to dangerous degrees, because they're overweight (like most of the population in my country, their weight is perfectly average it's not like most other ppl aren't just like them), and overweight = ugly = poor = black = masculine = man in the fucked up mainstream ideals of beauty and white womanhood. So many cis women freaking out they have boxy bodies instead of curves, have hair on their face (newsflash all humans have at least this thin peach fuzz on their face - if you are not white and blonde then Yes, Sometimes that peach fuzz is darker colored or you get a mustache like me) and just shaving it isn't enough - they still feel they aren't inherently allowed to be a 'woman' because of it. SOOOOOOO many of these cis women would benefit greatly from the recognition of a woman as 'anything.' A woman IS anything. Any appearance, any hobbies, any likes.

So many cis men horrified they don't live up to a strict fucked up box of an ideal as well - terrified they don't make enough money to be a 'real' man. Terrified they aren't skinny enough, or aren't muscular enough, or aren't assertive enough, or can't provide Enough to others, or show Too Much emotion. (A lot of these limiting gender ideals coming from the same white patriarchal upper class ideal, so by design MOST men will probably never manage to reach such ideals - the ideals causing them to fight each other, to prove who's 'most alpha', the ideals causing them to abandon themselves - because to be a 'real man' is to not cry or show weakness or admit to struggling to live up to the ideal, the ideals causing them to lash out at others - and rewarding them for it, because if they harm others then they'll help perpetuate this fucked up system by hurting more people and putting the pressure on more people To Strive to Live Up to The Ideal in the hopes of finally gaining enough acceptance to avoid further attacks). Every incel in some degree is so internally distraught trying to live up to the Ideal Real Man, who 'gets bitches' and feels they'll never really be a 'real man' until they can too. Every dude sucked into the manosphere has heard so much awful stuff about what a man has to do in order to 'prove he's a man and Deserve to be treated as a man' that they've taken to heart. And now they're perpetuating that harm, hurting MORE guys and insisting even more other guys aren't REAL unless they conform as well (and hell - probably still don't deserve to be respected as Real Men unless they also get rich and successful).

How many of these cisgender people would be so much fucking happier, and hurt significantly less people (and stop hurting themselves) if they just realized, really fucking took to heart, that a person is their gender JUST BECAUSE they feel they are. My guy, do you think you're a guy? CONGRATS you're a real man and whatever kind of guy you are IS a real guy. Miss over there, you are desperate to prove you're a woman? You ALREADY are. You do not need to diet more to prove that, or change your hobbies or quit your fucking job.

It's frustrating to see that giant system hurting people on so many levels. Just everywhere.

[olderthannetfic]

I wanted to ask you about radical feminism (TERF-ism & TIRF-ism). Radical feminism never seemed to be *necessarily* some of the really bad things that people on this blog say it is. For instance, everything roach-works says it is in an earlier post. There are at least some people I've read who are part of the movement of radical feminism (whether or not they would self-identify as that) and who really don't espouse any of the views in roach-works comments. (1/2) Thinking of the list of points

--

From nothorses - the people I’ve read (e.g. Iris Marion Young) *do* espouse many of these, but not so in a way that has to lead to these more extreme views that roach-works mentioned. One may not agree with them but they don’t seem so bad to me? Are they? Am I a terrible person? It disturbs me to hear something with the word 'feminism' in it denigrated so harshly, and it always seems to me like the views get mixed up with the worst half of the people who believe in them. (2/2)

(Appendix...) I feel there's a lot of truth in SOME of the views that nothorses correctly ascribes (i. m. o.) to radical feminists, in particular: "Women are all miserable with their bodies, cursed with the pressure to reproduce and have sex with men. ... miserable with their genders, forced as they are to ensure the overwhelming and constant suffering that is patriarchy." Is it just that the "all" makes the views too strong? Or is there, for critics, a more fundamental problem I'm missing?

I've seen some much nicer, saner people self-describe as radical feminists and object strenuously to how I see radfems... However, all of them still kept talking about porn in terms that only make sense if you're talking about the evils of the mainstream industry, and moreso the mainstream industry of the 1970s (which is when a lot of this rhetoric comes from). And yet this attitude gets over-applied to porn in general, regardless of medium, working conditions, or level of economic necessity involved in its creation.

The attitudes I think are pretty much universal in this ideology, and universally shitty, come out when they're confronted with fsub content by and for women.

Yeah, yeah, "mommy porn". I'm not saying Fifty Shades of Grey is well written or not kind of embarrassing, but when people start bleating about how confused womenfolk will get bad ideas from it, you should be suspicious, whether they're radfems or fundies.

"The hot billionaire falls in love with me for no reason and does all the work to make sex hot while I lie there like a dead fish" is a common fantasy. It really doesn't say anything about the woman in question, nor does it make the patriarchy stronger.

The big one to look for from nothorses list is #5:

Sex, in particular, is more often exploitative than not. Only some kinds of sex are not exploitative. Many kinds of sex that we think are consensual, or that people say are consensual, are either rape or proto-rape.

This is saying "BDSM is rape", which is something that most radfems do think once you scratch the surface. Rape roleplay is also rape and furthering the patriarchy.

Even if they make some small allowance for informed adults doing BDSM in some strict environment with specific rules, show them 50SoG and women's right to choose goes out the window. Sure, the relationship in the book looks pretty unhealthy, at least at the beginning, but the thing being criticized is readers' right to choose.

Even the radfems who support butchness and don't think butch women are gender traitors will usually be assholes over trashy wank material like 50SoG.

And once you open the door to "your libido is political", you've started down a very dark road that leads to a bunch of naturally kinky tumblr teens sitting in their bedrooms, staring at their computer screens, and wondering if they're a future rapist because they like a/b/o or sex pollen or something.

--

I get where you're coming from. Maybe you're in a context where most women are pretty miserable. But I'm not. I was raised by a mother who thought diets were stupid and telling your daughter what you think of her body is active child abuse.

Being a victim of abuse, including "you're too fat" type abuse, is neither inherent nor unique to women. Sure, women tend to be under the microscope, but so are lots of people.

As an upper middle class anglo white woman in the US and moreover as a woman who looks fairly conventionally femme even with my very hairy legs (much to my annoyance), I honestly don't experience that much policing. I already, through no fault and certainly no merit of my own, conform reasonably well to the "neutral" standard of white womanhood. My male equivalent would be the most unmarked in the US, but I'm only a little marked.

What this gender-obsessed analysis misses is that it's not about womanhood: it's about failing to be the "neutral" default. Poor people fail. Black people fail. Asian people fail. Disabled people fail. At least in the US. In Japan, third generation Korean-Japanese fail. Burakumin fail despite being ethnically Japanese due to having been a separate caste for centuries.

"Intersectionality" on social media tends to get used as miserypoker: the speaker with the most listed oppressions wins the argument and you should signal boost them or you're a bad person.

In actuality, what intersectionality means is recognizing that gender and sex may sometimes just not be very important in a given person's life if they experience enough privilege or if, conversely, they have such a profound lack of privilege elsewhere that this other identity overshadows gender in terms of their lived experience.

Radfem ideology says I must prioritize Woman out of my many identities. But, in reality, I feel more kinship with bisexual men than with lesbian women. I feel more kinship with kinky straight people than with bisexuals who want AO3 and pride parades to be nothing but g-rated hand holding.

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I get that it's upsetting for people to be railing against something called "feminism", but that's like saying that disliking the Jews for Jesus makes you antisemitic. The whole point is that a lot of people feel that radical feminism is pretty anti-woman in many of its core values.

I don't think you're a bad person. I do think that some of the underpinnings of radfem ideology lead directly to sensitive people who are concerned about such things wondering if they are.

[cowboyjen68]

Hey jen! so im a 14 year old femme lesbian. Due to my parents putting a LOT of pressure on me to get a good education, get married, etc. I've always kind of had an obsession with my future. I plan to go to college to be a nurse, I know where I want to move when im older, and have a few ideas on what college i want to go to, and ever since i discovered im gay ive kinda fantasized of getting married to a lady, adopting a kid, living in a small house, the whole thing. So because ive looked [1/?]

up to you for a while, and you’re the only older lesbian i’ve ever seen, is it naive to hope my future will play out like this? I know life doesnt ever like to make things simple, and i cant predict what will happen throughout my life, so it probably wont all just work out exactly as planned like some happy gay disney movie. But like, does my optimism just come from being young and having very little life experience? Does everyone go through this? [2/3

]Maybe I’m overthinking a lot, because its late and ive had a lot of caffeine, but you appear like such a mother figure and its difficult to be at this weird stressful age where im trying to figure myself when I have nobody to go to ask these kinds of odd questions. Sorry this is so long and i hope my rambling isnt too confusing! [3/3]

First, I am glad you recognize that your plans are hightly influenced by your parents, but you are self aware enough to replace the man in the “Suburban Dream” scenerio with woman whom you love.  All of this is possible. If you want to go to college, get a good job, marry, have or adopt a kid... you can. You can buy a small house and get a picket fence with one dog, two cats and a suburu in the driveway.  

You are young.. and you are optimisitic. Optimisim does not have to fade with youth.. look at me.. 

Lets start with college.  College is something I highly recommend IF if suits you and you have the means.  Even without a firm idea of how to use your degree, if can teach you communication, problem solving and social skills that will help you in life.  IT IS NOT for everyone. And that is okay as well.  Some people go right to a job they earn money at or that they want to try. I always tell my kids, work at a burger joint and become a lawyer, just live within your means and be happy.  Look at me, 25 years on a job that i loved and was quite good at, but the business management took my love and stomped on it.. now I happily work with nervouse dogs.. Yesterday a Yorkie tried to eat my shoe and it was fine by me. 

Now, career, Passion and drive for a career you love can  be punched around an awful lot in the real world. IF you start a college path OR  job you hate... start looking for something else. Don’t just quit.. have a backup plan.. muddle through classes until you can swith your major.. Slave away at the job until you have another, but there is no shame in not loving what you once thought you did. 

Marriage and Kids:  Marriage, for me was only a way to protect my kids and get Rita on good health insurance. I did not care if anyone, including the state validated our relationship. I knew the day we got married that I loved her, but we were better friends than lovers and I wanted to do what I could to make sure she was safe.  I shouldn’t have agreed to marry her and we both knew it, but our hearts were in the right place.  Marriage is what is fed to us by family, culture, society, media...on and on.. PLease proceed with caution.  Make sure that you are excited to marry because of the person.. not because of the idea. Be in love, have so much passion for them that all you think about is hearing about her day or kissing her when she is telling you about her day. Don’t be in a hurry.

  Kids are the same way.. DON”T adopt or have a child because of the romantic sound of being a lesbian mom. Yes, being a mother is great, my kids are now my friends and my kids.. it is wonderful.. BUT it was super fucking hard to raise them. Kids get a mind of their own around 3.. just be aware that kids are a huge unknown factor in life.  Be prepared to not have perfect angels nor devils, but a small human that is also trying to figure out life and make mistakes and your job is to sort of stand in their way until they can do things on their own..  

You are super young and clearly smart. You have time.. Just keep your mind open to new ideas and don’t follow a path because “it has always been the path”. Set goals and work towards the nurse degree by studying science and taking community college classes. That is awesome to have a plan.  Keep your heart and mind open enough to tweak things as you gain new insight about yourself and your plan.  You are motivated and have support, that is awesome.. use all that to your advantage.  Join your GSA or get involved in your community, whether it is gay pride or an animal shelter. Start to build a network of people. They can be great resources, for jobs, references and information to help you expand your world. 

And YES most of us go though this.. either having firm plans and worrying if they can come through OR having no idea what to do in the  future and feeling like we are floundering.. Both are normal. 

I am glad you reached out.. I am always happy to give some mom advice. 

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

(slight nsfw warning? 1/?) I've identified as bi for almost a year now but lately I've been wondering if I'm actually a lesbian. I've always been attracted to feminine boys (and girls) even when I thought i was str8. My romantic orientation tends to change over time and sometimes I'll only be attracted to one gender however my sexuality has always be pretty consistent and doesn't change. It's hard for me to figure out bcuz I'm not ace but I don't really see sex as enjoyable either (im 14).

(slight nsfw 2/2) I've always rejected traditionally feminine roles (even I look girlish) and I've thought that maybe the reason why I like girly features more than masculine is because I don't want to be compared to str8s? (in the same way lesbians don't wanna be compared to men?)Or that it's just a preference? (I used to identify as homosexual/heteroromantic and I think I'm autochorissexual) Basically what I'm asking is am I attracted to boys if I prefer feminine boys?Or does that make me gay?

If you’re attracted to people of more than one gender then you are bi. It doesn’t matter if the boys you like are femme - they’re still boys. (Just like a lesbian who likes butch women is still a lesbian because butch women are just women.)

Of course, only you can decide which label you want to use and if you want to go with “gay/lesbian” then that’s a-okay.

As for your comment about sex not seeming enjoyable: sure it’s possible you’re somewhere on the ace-spectrum like you said, you think you’re autochorissexual (which I had to google and then remembered I did read about it before). That may change with time or not - both is fine. As long as you don’t force yourself into uncomfortable situations. If you want to try out sex and see what all the fuss is about: go for it (and talk to the person about what kinds of sexual acts you want to try and which you don’t want to). But if you don’t want to try it out, that’s perfectly reasonable and fine!

Maddie