#and i've always wondered 1) am i a femme lesbian?

[smile-files]

i have no desired answer for this!!!!! don't feel pressured to pick an answer based on what my gender actually is :)

responses will inevitably depend on what way you've interacted with me: have you been a long-time follower of mine, or are you new? or did you find this poll by chance, and don't even follow me? are we mutuals or online friends? do you frequently engage with my chatty text posts? have you heard my voice, talking or singing? do you know what i look like and how i dress? do you know which characters i kin? etc.

like all people i'm interested in how i come off to people, so if anything this is just a way for me to get a sense of that lol :P

[olderthannetfic]

I wanted to ask you about radical feminism (TERF-ism & TIRF-ism). Radical feminism never seemed to be *necessarily* some of the really bad things that people on this blog say it is. For instance, everything roach-works says it is in an earlier post. There are at least some people I've read who are part of the movement of radical feminism (whether or not they would self-identify as that) and who really don't espouse any of the views in roach-works comments. (1/2) Thinking of the list of points

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From nothorses - the people I’ve read (e.g. Iris Marion Young) *do* espouse many of these, but not so in a way that has to lead to these more extreme views that roach-works mentioned. One may not agree with them but they don’t seem so bad to me? Are they? Am I a terrible person? It disturbs me to hear something with the word 'feminism' in it denigrated so harshly, and it always seems to me like the views get mixed up with the worst half of the people who believe in them. (2/2)

(Appendix...) I feel there's a lot of truth in SOME of the views that nothorses correctly ascribes (i. m. o.) to radical feminists, in particular: "Women are all miserable with their bodies, cursed with the pressure to reproduce and have sex with men. ... miserable with their genders, forced as they are to ensure the overwhelming and constant suffering that is patriarchy." Is it just that the "all" makes the views too strong? Or is there, for critics, a more fundamental problem I'm missing?

I've seen some much nicer, saner people self-describe as radical feminists and object strenuously to how I see radfems... However, all of them still kept talking about porn in terms that only make sense if you're talking about the evils of the mainstream industry, and moreso the mainstream industry of the 1970s (which is when a lot of this rhetoric comes from). And yet this attitude gets over-applied to porn in general, regardless of medium, working conditions, or level of economic necessity involved in its creation.

The attitudes I think are pretty much universal in this ideology, and universally shitty, come out when they're confronted with fsub content by and for women.

Yeah, yeah, "mommy porn". I'm not saying Fifty Shades of Grey is well written or not kind of embarrassing, but when people start bleating about how confused womenfolk will get bad ideas from it, you should be suspicious, whether they're radfems or fundies.

"The hot billionaire falls in love with me for no reason and does all the work to make sex hot while I lie there like a dead fish" is a common fantasy. It really doesn't say anything about the woman in question, nor does it make the patriarchy stronger.

The big one to look for from nothorses list is #5:

Sex, in particular, is more often exploitative than not. Only some kinds of sex are not exploitative. Many kinds of sex that we think are consensual, or that people say are consensual, are either rape or proto-rape.

This is saying "BDSM is rape", which is something that most radfems do think once you scratch the surface. Rape roleplay is also rape and furthering the patriarchy.

Even if they make some small allowance for informed adults doing BDSM in some strict environment with specific rules, show them 50SoG and women's right to choose goes out the window. Sure, the relationship in the book looks pretty unhealthy, at least at the beginning, but the thing being criticized is readers' right to choose.

Even the radfems who support butchness and don't think butch women are gender traitors will usually be assholes over trashy wank material like 50SoG.

And once you open the door to "your libido is political", you've started down a very dark road that leads to a bunch of naturally kinky tumblr teens sitting in their bedrooms, staring at their computer screens, and wondering if they're a future rapist because they like a/b/o or sex pollen or something.

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I get where you're coming from. Maybe you're in a context where most women are pretty miserable. But I'm not. I was raised by a mother who thought diets were stupid and telling your daughter what you think of her body is active child abuse.

Being a victim of abuse, including "you're too fat" type abuse, is neither inherent nor unique to women. Sure, women tend to be under the microscope, but so are lots of people.

As an upper middle class anglo white woman in the US and moreover as a woman who looks fairly conventionally femme even with my very hairy legs (much to my annoyance), I honestly don't experience that much policing. I already, through no fault and certainly no merit of my own, conform reasonably well to the "neutral" standard of white womanhood. My male equivalent would be the most unmarked in the US, but I'm only a little marked.

What this gender-obsessed analysis misses is that it's not about womanhood: it's about failing to be the "neutral" default. Poor people fail. Black people fail. Asian people fail. Disabled people fail. At least in the US. In Japan, third generation Korean-Japanese fail. Burakumin fail despite being ethnically Japanese due to having been a separate caste for centuries.

"Intersectionality" on social media tends to get used as miserypoker: the speaker with the most listed oppressions wins the argument and you should signal boost them or you're a bad person.

In actuality, what intersectionality means is recognizing that gender and sex may sometimes just not be very important in a given person's life if they experience enough privilege or if, conversely, they have such a profound lack of privilege elsewhere that this other identity overshadows gender in terms of their lived experience.

Radfem ideology says I must prioritize Woman out of my many identities. But, in reality, I feel more kinship with bisexual men than with lesbian women. I feel more kinship with kinky straight people than with bisexuals who want AO3 and pride parades to be nothing but g-rated hand holding.

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I get that it's upsetting for people to be railing against something called "feminism", but that's like saying that disliking the Jews for Jesus makes you antisemitic. The whole point is that a lot of people feel that radical feminism is pretty anti-woman in many of its core values.

I don't think you're a bad person. I do think that some of the underpinnings of radfem ideology lead directly to sensitive people who are concerned about such things wondering if they are.

[cowboyjen68]

Hey jen! so im a 14 year old femme lesbian. Due to my parents putting a LOT of pressure on me to get a good education, get married, etc. I've always kind of had an obsession with my future. I plan to go to college to be a nurse, I know where I want to move when im older, and have a few ideas on what college i want to go to, and ever since i discovered im gay ive kinda fantasized of getting married to a lady, adopting a kid, living in a small house, the whole thing. So because ive looked [1/?]

up to you for a while, and you’re the only older lesbian i’ve ever seen, is it naive to hope my future will play out like this? I know life doesnt ever like to make things simple, and i cant predict what will happen throughout my life, so it probably wont all just work out exactly as planned like some happy gay disney movie. But like, does my optimism just come from being young and having very little life experience? Does everyone go through this? [2/3

]Maybe I’m overthinking a lot, because its late and ive had a lot of caffeine, but you appear like such a mother figure and its difficult to be at this weird stressful age where im trying to figure myself when I have nobody to go to ask these kinds of odd questions. Sorry this is so long and i hope my rambling isnt too confusing! [3/3]

First, I am glad you recognize that your plans are hightly influenced by your parents, but you are self aware enough to replace the man in the “Suburban Dream” scenerio with woman whom you love.  All of this is possible. If you want to go to college, get a good job, marry, have or adopt a kid... you can. You can buy a small house and get a picket fence with one dog, two cats and a suburu in the driveway.  

You are young.. and you are optimisitic. Optimisim does not have to fade with youth.. look at me.. 

Lets start with college.  College is something I highly recommend IF if suits you and you have the means.  Even without a firm idea of how to use your degree, if can teach you communication, problem solving and social skills that will help you in life.  IT IS NOT for everyone. And that is okay as well.  Some people go right to a job they earn money at or that they want to try. I always tell my kids, work at a burger joint and become a lawyer, just live within your means and be happy.  Look at me, 25 years on a job that i loved and was quite good at, but the business management took my love and stomped on it.. now I happily work with nervouse dogs.. Yesterday a Yorkie tried to eat my shoe and it was fine by me. 

Now, career, Passion and drive for a career you love can  be punched around an awful lot in the real world. IF you start a college path OR  job you hate... start looking for something else. Don’t just quit.. have a backup plan.. muddle through classes until you can swith your major.. Slave away at the job until you have another, but there is no shame in not loving what you once thought you did. 

Marriage and Kids:  Marriage, for me was only a way to protect my kids and get Rita on good health insurance. I did not care if anyone, including the state validated our relationship. I knew the day we got married that I loved her, but we were better friends than lovers and I wanted to do what I could to make sure she was safe.  I shouldn’t have agreed to marry her and we both knew it, but our hearts were in the right place.  Marriage is what is fed to us by family, culture, society, media...on and on.. PLease proceed with caution.  Make sure that you are excited to marry because of the person.. not because of the idea. Be in love, have so much passion for them that all you think about is hearing about her day or kissing her when she is telling you about her day. Don’t be in a hurry.

  Kids are the same way.. DON”T adopt or have a child because of the romantic sound of being a lesbian mom. Yes, being a mother is great, my kids are now my friends and my kids.. it is wonderful.. BUT it was super fucking hard to raise them. Kids get a mind of their own around 3.. just be aware that kids are a huge unknown factor in life.  Be prepared to not have perfect angels nor devils, but a small human that is also trying to figure out life and make mistakes and your job is to sort of stand in their way until they can do things on their own..  

You are super young and clearly smart. You have time.. Just keep your mind open to new ideas and don’t follow a path because “it has always been the path”. Set goals and work towards the nurse degree by studying science and taking community college classes. That is awesome to have a plan.  Keep your heart and mind open enough to tweak things as you gain new insight about yourself and your plan.  You are motivated and have support, that is awesome.. use all that to your advantage.  Join your GSA or get involved in your community, whether it is gay pride or an animal shelter. Start to build a network of people. They can be great resources, for jobs, references and information to help you expand your world. 

And YES most of us go though this.. either having firm plans and worrying if they can come through OR having no idea what to do in the  future and feeling like we are floundering.. Both are normal. 

I am glad you reached out.. I am always happy to give some mom advice. 

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

(slight nsfw warning? 1/?) I've identified as bi for almost a year now but lately I've been wondering if I'm actually a lesbian. I've always been attracted to feminine boys (and girls) even when I thought i was str8. My romantic orientation tends to change over time and sometimes I'll only be attracted to one gender however my sexuality has always be pretty consistent and doesn't change. It's hard for me to figure out bcuz I'm not ace but I don't really see sex as enjoyable either (im 14).

(slight nsfw 2/2) I've always rejected traditionally feminine roles (even I look girlish) and I've thought that maybe the reason why I like girly features more than masculine is because I don't want to be compared to str8s? (in the same way lesbians don't wanna be compared to men?)Or that it's just a preference? (I used to identify as homosexual/heteroromantic and I think I'm autochorissexual) Basically what I'm asking is am I attracted to boys if I prefer feminine boys?Or does that make me gay?

If you’re attracted to people of more than one gender then you are bi. It doesn’t matter if the boys you like are femme - they’re still boys. (Just like a lesbian who likes butch women is still a lesbian because butch women are just women.)

Of course, only you can decide which label you want to use and if you want to go with “gay/lesbian” then that’s a-okay.

As for your comment about sex not seeming enjoyable: sure it’s possible you’re somewhere on the ace-spectrum like you said, you think you’re autochorissexual (which I had to google and then remembered I did read about it before). That may change with time or not - both is fine. As long as you don’t force yourself into uncomfortable situations. If you want to try out sex and see what all the fuss is about: go for it (and talk to the person about what kinds of sexual acts you want to try and which you don’t want to). But if you don’t want to try it out, that’s perfectly reasonable and fine!

Maddie