#and i'm trying not to call myself lazy for being exhausted

[somekangarookid]

hey that post about shinigami eyes seems really wack. i dont know if its true but saying shit like “it’s run by trans inclusive radical feminists who hate all trans men for being trans men” with absolutely no sources or screenshots or even bringing up an example is sus as fuck. it makes me sad i saw it on my dash because it’s completely indistinguishable from a witch hunt based solely on trans misogyny yknow, and so that’s. yknow. the function it’s serving

yeah like i can't confirm it myself bc i haven't been on my desktop tumblr in forever (various reasons including being really busy with work, recovering with work, and my pc is so busted it took 45 mins to boot up properly one time) so i saw that post and my partner had to give me a rundown of what happened

i would normally definitely try to find some sources for you bc yeah i'd like to see those sources for myself too but i'm currently trying to let my blood go back to where it should be

if anyone can like reblog this with sources/extra information, i would really really appreciate it

[sleepyboywrites]

Playing on my last req with strong reader, what about where reader playfully picks him up from behind? Like when you try to scare someone, but end up giving them a bunch of kisses? 🥰

I'm answering two of your asks with one post. Yes I'm still writing (mostly to ch.ai bots because my depression won and I couldn't bring myself to write anywhere) but, yeah still writing, I'm a writer by heart if you don't hear from me for a hella long time, and I haven't written elsewhere I'm probably just really sad or struggling again. Thank you for asking, low key made my anxiety force me to write again and helped my mental health in a twisted kinda way, and thanks for being patient so ta-da~ sorry if it's bad or on the shorter side I'm rusty cause I haven't written in a while.

Boo! - Masky x Strong Male reader (Part 2-ish)

It's no surprise that as Slender's one-man clean-up crew you have an, interesting, to say the least, skill set. You meet your fair share of literal creeps, and cleaning up their messes means you learned how to dispose of bodies, get human remains out of clothes, floors, and walls. How to navigate weird moving forests, and large bodies of water. You also know everyone's allergies and on occasion have to patch creeps up, so first aid basics as well.

However if you ask your murderer boyfriend, your scariest skill, and one of your favorites, is one you learned from your big, abusive, family. You were incredibly light footed and tended to move so silently you'd 'teleport'. You had, in reality, just walked to the location you were at but it scared the night owl creeps as you grab a midnight snack or glass of water, for yourself or your overworked exhausted boyfriend.

You loved to sneak up on Masky just as much as he did to sneak up on you. You fondly referred to said sneak attacks as love attacks for you had a tendency to smother him with affections post spook and sneak up.

The first time you very narrowly avoided dying at the hands of your beloved, because he's a trained killer and doesn't take kindly to being snuck up on.

You snuck up on him for the first, and almost last, time while he was doing paperwork late at night. He had been overworking himself to the bone, with stacks of paperwork and victims, both his and the others. You thought you'd be nice and bring him some tea, maybe convince him to go to bed, if you'd be so lucky. But as you got to his office seeing him so engrossed in his work you saw an opportunity to sneak up on him for once instead of the reverse and so you did. You set the tea behind you on a filing cabinet and snuck behind his chair pulling it out and spinning him towards your saying "Hey, honey!" And the bullet ricocheted in such a way that if you hadn't ducked, or Masky hadn't pushed your head down rather, it would've hit square between your eyes.

Sometimes it'll still be a close call if he's to wound up from his workload. But the successful ones sure are sweet.

You and Masky had a lazy day planned, where both of you had authorization for a day off and decided to take a walk, have a picnic and swim by one of the lakes in the forest. Masky had been waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs being familiarized with the stairs and your handy little skill you saw an opportunity that you couldn't miss. You crept down the stairs and scooped up your boyfriend, kissing his face, and throwing him over your shoulder as you began to walk out the mansion. Tim laughing and squirming the entire time. His laugh is a warm and enticing sound as he doesn't do so very often and hearing it fills you with an indescribable amount of joy. So much so you wish you could bottle the sound to immortalize its purest form.

When you put him down you kiss him properly this time, deeply and adoringly, "Boo!" You murmured against his lips before running off ahead of him and making him tackle you into the grass with similar treatment.

[elisysd]

Astronomy – Conan Gray

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

As much as it seems like you own my heart It's astronomy, we're two worlds apart

When Charles woke up in the morning, Lyanna was not there. He was looking forward for the morning, slowly waking up with her frame next to him or better curled up against his body. He would have taken his time to wake her up, slowly leaving a tray of featherlight kisses starting from her forehead and then her neckline and her shoulder blades. She would have been grumpy at first but then she would have giggled. They would have had a lazy morning before Charles had to go back to Maranello. But instead, he found the other side of the bed completely empty.

Worried he called out her name and started to inspect all the surfaces of the room. Maybe she had left something indicating him where she went to. But nothing. He checked his phone and nothing as well. Now he was panicking. She could not have left? Not after what they said to each other, not after she promised him that she was in for the long run?

He was about to leave the room to ask the reception if they had seen her, when the door opened on a bare faced Lyanna wearing one of his sweatpants and jumpers. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail and she still looked half asleep. She was holding two coffees and a few pastries. She was surprised to see Charles already up and a frantic look on his face.

“Good morning. Is everything okay?” she asked, worried.

“I… I thought you left.” Answered Charles abruptly.

The surprise in Lyanna's eyes was clear. She shook her head as she placed what she had in her hands on the coffee table in the bedroom and sat down on the bed.

“Charles… Tell me what I have to do to make you trust me when I say that I’m not going to leave you?”

“I trust you Lya.” He defended himself.

“Clearly not. I wanted to surprise you with breakfast this morning. I really thought you were going to still be asleep when I was coming back. I didn’t bother to warn you. That’s it. I never thought that you were going to expect the worse…”

“Yeah, and I expecting you to be next to me this morning. I was looking forward to it actually. Our first night together and I wake up alone with no idea where you were.”

“Do you think this low of me?”

“That’s not the point. But admit that you have the tendency to run away when something scares you and recently it involved me a lot.”

His words hurt Lyanna.  

“You’re not being fair, Charles. How are you expecting us to work out if you always expect the worse from me. I came here for you, I overcame my fear of media for you, I got my shit together for you. Okay it took me some time but I did it. Because I know what I want and what I want is us to have a chance. But it’s going to be exhausting if I have to constantly prove myself to you. So again, tell me what I should do.”

Charles ran his hands over his face before massaging his forehead, clearly annoyed.

“Forget it, Lya. I don’t want to argue. That’s the last ting I want actually. I’m going to take a shower.”

“Who is running away, now?”

Lyanna was now standing with both hands on her hips and a stern look on her face. Charles, who had turned away from her to head for the bathroom, stopped dead in his tracks.

“I told you that I didn’t want to argue. So I’m walking away before saying something that I will regret. I’m trying to be mature.”

“Are you saying that I'm immature? Personally, I think we should fight. At least everything will be cleared up. It's healthy for couples to fight, Charles! What's not healthy, on the other hand, is to repress your feelings.”

“You sure know what you're talking about” He replied, a sarcastic smile on his face.

“And you think you are funny?”

“Listen Lyanna. I woke up stressed out this morning, I’m still tired from yesterday. It’s really not the right time to argue today. So I’m going to take my fucking shower and I’ll be in a better mood after. We will enjoy breakfast and we will forget about all of that.”

Just as he was about to open the door, he felt Lyanna's hand grab his wrist and pull him towards her.

“You will take your shower after talking to me.”

Charles met Lyanna's fiery gaze and that's all it took to make him switch. He turned to face her before pinning her against the wall. He rested his elbows on either side of her head and leaned towards her, his lips brushing hers. He could hear the actress gasp at his sudden change of behavior.

“You want to talk, baby. Then let’s talk. Yeah, I’m scared that at some point you are going to run away. All the important people in my life left me so I’m preparing myself to the idea that you will to. And I know that when it will happen, it’s going to absolutely crush me because I already feel so much for you. Too much. It scares the shit out of me. So I want to enjoy all the time we have together so I can cherish it when you’re not here.”

“Charles…” she whispered.

“And I don’t know how I’m going to handle being away from you. Because I’m not going o ask you to come wit me for the next races. You have your own life and projects; you made it clear in Monaco. And I don’t want you to drop everything to be with me. I would love to but I can’t ask you that. It would be selfish. And with the distance, I’m scared that you will be too much in your own head and realize that you don’t want to be with me. That you don’t want this life. Because no matter what you think, you don’t know wat you are getting yourself into. The media, the pressure, the distance. It’s a lot.”

“I’m used to them Charles.”

“It will be different Lyanna. It’s not the same type of media than those you are used to. And finally, I’m scared that you decide you want to have nothing to do with me when you will see me coming home after bad weekends. It’s more frequent than good ones. I’m not a nice person to be around during those times, Lyanna. And I don’t want to take out my anger and frustration on you. You don’t deserve that.”

Lyanna put both her arms around the pilot's neck and pressed her forehead against his. She could feel Charles's sharp breath melt into hers. His eyes were glued to the ground, avoiding her gaze. Lyanna moved one of her hands to rest against his cheek and force him to look at her.

“Thank you for sharing all your fears with me. But I mean it Charles, I’m here to stay. During good times and hard ones. I’ll be there to cheer for you and to kiss away your tears. If you let me. And if you want me to do that, you will have to allow yourself to trust me. Copy?”

This drew a slight smile from Charles.

“Copy.”

Lyanna placed a light kiss on Charles's cheek before capturing his lips. Charles's hand found her hip before pushing her a little harder against the wall and pressing his body against hers eliciting a moan from the young woman. This encouraged Charles to deepen the kiss. forcing Lyanna to spread her legs slightly so that he could squeeze between them. As Charles ran his hands beneath the actress's shirt, she broke off the kiss suddenly.

“Charles…wait.” She stopped him, out of breath.

She put both hands on his chest to push him away from her to give her some space and distance between them.

“Sorry. I got carried away.” He excused himself.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.”

Charles cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair.

“I’m gonna take a shower. A cold one. I need it. I’ll be back fast.”

She nodded before opening the window and breathing in the fresh air. When Charles came back, with damp hair but a clear mind, she was still at the window.

“Are you still hungry? The coffee might be cold but we can still eat.”

She looked at him, smiling shyly. She didn’t expect things to be this weird between them. Not as she thought that it would be all rainbows and sunshine but she felt like they were not on the same wave lengths, something she did not feel when they were back in Monaco. And that was bothering her. They ate without a word, both deep in their thoughts. Finally it was Charles who broke the heavy silence.

“I’m going to address the elephant in the room right now, but when are we going to see each other next? I suppose you will go back to London now and I’m going to Maranello tomorrow to go to some meetings and work on the sim before heading to Singapore.”

She gulped. That was one of the questions she feared the most to answer.

“I.. I don’t know. When is the next race in Europe?”

“We don’t have any left, here. Monza was the last of the season. Do you think you could be able to make it for Austin? In a month and a half?”

“Maybe… I can always come up with an excuse to go to the States and make a quick side trip to Austin. I know that I have some people to meet in New York but no dates are planned yet. I can try to arrange them and fit Austin in my schedule. Could you, maybe, find time in yours to make it to London between to races and other appearances? Even if it’s for two days?”

“I don’t know. It’s going to be tough.”

Lyanna was annoyed.

“I can’t be the only one to do all the work to make us work Charles. You have to do some effort.”

“It’s easier for you. You can adapt your schedule more easily than me.”

“Well, not really. I have commitments that have been blocked for several months and I can't change them.”

“And I have a race calendar that is also very complicated to handle. I barely have time for my family.”

“You and me both. But you can’t ask me to be the only one making all the compromises and sacrifices.”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m just saying that we are in the early stage of our relationship and that I don’t want to spend it completely away from you. I want to be able to see you as much as possible but my hands are tied. I can’t do what I want and I’m just saying that it would be easier for you to follow me.”

“And I understand your point, but try to understand mine.” She replied trying to keep her calm.

Charles settled more comfortably in his armchair and stared pensively at a spot in front of him.

“Maybe I can try to clear a few days before going to Austin so it can be just us. Austin comes the week of my birthday and I know that my friends and family already planned something for me. I would like it if you could be there too. I could introduce you to everyone. Officially. What do you think?”

“Meeting you family? Already? That’s not what I was expecting when I said we would take tings slow…”

“If it’s too much, it’s fine, but it would mean a lot for me if you could make it.”

“I can’t see myself missing your birthday, so I guess you can count on me.” She finally agreed.

Charles nodded. And Lyanna could not help but think that their discussion looked more like a business transaction that a couple taking decisions together…

And then it was time for them to say goodbye to each other.  Even if the weekend had turned out to be a mixed success for Lyanna, leaving Charles behind was painful for her. It was difficult for Charles too. He had had the impression of being on top of the world for a moment and of having had everything he wanted most in the world, only to be quickly disillusioned. He knew he was partly to blame for ruining the incredible day he could have spent with Lyanna. There were so many things left unsaid between them that he didn't know where to start addressing them. And Lyanna's unpredictability wasn't helping either. But he knew he had to give it time. He didn't doubt Lyanna's sincerity when she said she would stand by him no matter what. He had confidence in her, contrary to what she might believe. But he didn't trust the environment around him.

Lyanna had ordered a taxi, rather than let Charles take her to the station where she would catch a train to Milan before heading to the airport to catch a late evening flight to London.

“I don’t want to cry and to face saying goodbye to you. If you were coming with me, it would feel too real and I would rather keep only the good memories from this trip.” She explained to him when he asked her why she did not want him to drive her to the train station.

“Promise we will call and text and Facetime whenever possible?” he asked her.

“Promise. And I will send you stupid memes I find on social media.”

“And as for me, I’ll send you songs that reminds me of you, of us.”

“Every day?”

“Every single day. Call me when you land. And have a safe flight.”

Before letting her go, he took her in is arms to give her a long hug. A quick kiss was the last thing she gave him before hopping in the taxi and leaving Charles thinking that it was going to be the longest month and half of his life.

======

author's note: I hate Charles behaviour in this chapter. But for once it is him who acts stupid and not Lyanna. Let me know what your thoughts are about it and about about the chapter in general. As usual it is always a pleasure to read your comments. You can as well use the ask box, if there is someting specific you want to say about Cruel Summer or if you would like to read specific things in it. I could always try to fit them at some point in the fic because it is as much your story than it is mine.

taglist: @zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika

[shelleysmary]

embrace more silliness.

yes, this post is lowkey about trop, but in general i've been reflecting on the way i "cringe" a lot more than i used to, even at things i used to genuinely love. i mean, one of my favorite traits and therefore one of my favorite words used to be "earnest," but now, even if i don't mean to, i find myself observing moments of genuine vulnerability, connection, or plain stupid fun and pointing them out mentally as kind of uncool. "that was low-hanging, that was silly, that was unsophisticated, inelegant, obvious, sentimental." even when i try to go into things with the best of intentions, the instinct is there; i flag the moment, i'm taken out of the scene - and yes, i think about "ah, this is a line certain other people will hear and call dumb."

i've noticed that even people who like trop feel the need to say it kind of behind the cover of their hand: "it's a silly show, but—" "it's unserious" "i know it's fanfic" "i'm aware that it's cheesy" "i know the general consensus is—" and, idk, but i find it kind of sad. i think a lot of us have internalized cynicism. it's hard for me to untangle because i want to retain my critical thinking, i want to go beyond the surface, notice little details, evaluate the storytelling, but sometimes that feeling of something being "off" isn't actually "this is bad," it's "this made me uncomfortable." this line was too sincere, the plot device was too simple or felt too contrived (an aspect of the source material's storytelling, if we're being honest, but frowned upon ~now that we know better~ and have gotten used to realism). delight is met with suspicion, laughter curbed by an urge to roll the eyes. there was a desire for nostalgia once, and then we all decided that unoriginality is a crime (both moral and commercial), and that homage must be lazy plagiarism.

it's exhausting! i miss laughing at the joke, taking creative choices at their face value, being utterly unaware of whether or not i'm "meant" to have a certain opinion. there's something about middle-earth in particular that makes the cognitive dissonance impossible to ignore because, as a world, i don't think it was built with an ounce of bad faith or cynicism or self-deprecation, and yet i bring it with me. i'm almost certain i'm not the only one.

so that's why i'm saying "embrace more silliness." sometimes you'll feel the call to engage with a story in a straightforward, sensory way. maybe it doesn't make sense all the time, but something about it feels right. that feeling should be enough. if i think back, that feeling used to be enough, and it used to be everywhere, easier to find, easier to access without defensiveness or intrusive logic. i miss sentimentality. sincerity. even cheesiness, which is often vulnerability. i miss the ease with which i used to hold space for all of those things.

so i'm challenging myself, and anyone else, to tap into a previous update, or at least to be more mindful of the ways we might be resisting joy, delight, connection, wonder... i think tolkien's world is a good, safe place to try it out.

[jaxrants]

Istfg

I really wanna go to bed. Like I'm practically falling asleep while standing up, but I can't because my stupid fucking step dad, and mom like coming home at 11:45 PM and expect me to still be all happy go lucky. I have to take care of your children all fucking day, and all of a sudden I'm lazy because I'm taking advantage of the little time I do have to actually lay down and relax.

But nooo, because I didn't do the dishes (just looking at the counter overwhelms me) now I've gotta stay up for the next 1 or 2 hours washing dishes.

And I mentioned, under my breath mind you, that this is the very reason why I hate being awake and all she said in response? "Well then, don't wake up tomorrow." wtf? Who says that to their kid because they're tired.

And she wants to act like taking care of her kids isn't exhausting. I wake up in the morning, surprise suprise, she's not here.

I'm so fucking exhausted. I wake up exhausted, I go to sleep exhausted. It's just a never ending tidal wave of being tired.

She ain't gotta worry about me getting pregnant as a teenager. Why? Oh because I already damn near have 2 kids. Another reason? Oh, cause I have no social life cause I've been locked in a house for five fucking years, not going to school, not having company. Nothing. I'm probably gonna be stuck here for the next three years of my life too.

I'm missing out on all of my teenage years because my mother would prefer it if I'm trapped just like her. But she wants me to be better than her. How tf can I do that if I'm not allowed to go anywhere or do anything. The only friends I have are online and the chances of me actually meeting up with them one day are slim because of just how low in the poverty chain I am. Also, aren't you supposed to use school as an easy way to make friends? I'm gonna be in my twenty's with no friends that I can hang out with because my mom decided that she just doesn't care about my fucking future, or me having healthy relationships with things.

Anytime I try to talk to her about my unhealthy relationships with things, she calls me stupid and tells me to get over it.

Mom, I can't hold a knife without envisioning mutilating myself or killing someone. I can't look at a gun without wondering what my brains would look like splattered on a wall.

I don't have a healthy relationship with food or the way I look either. I either eat too much or nothing at all. I make myself sick because I feel guilty if I don't eat all of something. I hate how chubby I am, but everytime I bring it up to my mom, or make a joke about the way I look (and this mostly happens when I'm actually feeling good about myself for once) she asks me if I really think I look good. Like..? Well, no, not anymore.

At this point, I'm pretty sure the only reason she keeps me around is so I can take care of her kids.

@purpleeggyboi @meadows-the-puppet @blooming-skeleton @im-a-simp898 @evry1h8s-me @th3-r4t-48

[james-silenthill]

Why would tmasc Heather work. Just because a woman struggles living up to patriarchal femininity doesn't mean she's trans.

Omg hay haii. How are u I hope ur having a good evening or morning or whatever. I've personally been having some trouble sleeping tbh and I just saw this. And since I'm 100% sure this was asked in good faith and for no other nefarious reason ill answer as casually and as candidly as I can ^_^

Gonna preface that while I have seen the game in its entirety, im personally around 70% done with it on my current run, so whatever evidence I have for a transmasc reading will be lacking. My analysis on heather will be stronger the more times I play and look thru the game for myself. And this is no different than headcannoning characters such as dipper pines or leon kennedy or johnny truant as trans. Sorry to any dipper pines or leon kennedy or johnny truant fans that might see this while sesrching for their most favorite character on the tumblr search bar set to sort by most recent. Without further adieu and unnecessary qualifiers, let me get into it

My current reading with a transmasc heather stems from two main points: how she feels about mirrors, and how people from her past (lives) refer to her as. When observing a mirror (I cannot remember which one and im far to lazy to look for it), she says, "I don't like mirrors. It's almost like there's an unknown world right on the other side. And the person staring at me isn't really me, just an imitator." And idk abt you but that disconnect? That can so easily be read as dysphoria. Personally for years I would avoid Actually looking at my body tbh. It's only super recently that I've been forcing myself to witness myself, and that type of exposure therapy is a whole bag of worms i cant even lie

The second half of this is much more allegorical than literal I must stress. With that qualifier out of the way-- the fact that claudia, alessas childhood friend, cannot recognize heather as her own fully realized being. She is 1. Expected to give birth to something she NEVER wanted and 2. Isnt even being called the right name while she's being used as an incubator! Allegorically trans as fuck (to meeee to meeeee. Imagine my hands are up in the air as a sort of defensive precaution)

Oh and this is just me being pedantic but, whether or not heather is cisfem or transmasc-- literally or metaphorically-- she wouldnt be a woman imo. She's 17 she's a girl at best tbh. Anyways im exhausted im not proofreading and I'm gonna self indulgently think abt transmasc heather while I try to nap. Have a good one! Peace and love

[emeritus-fuckers]

For the match up event please 💙

1. Identify as a cis woman. Use she/her pronouns and am panromantic aceflux. Call me Piff.

2. I would like to be paired with one of the Papa's please!

3. I'm about 5'5" and am plus-sized. I have long unkempt dark blonde hair. It's nearly longer than my back and I kind of just let it do whatever. Blue eyes and thin rounded square glasses. I wear a lot of dull/muted colors and my style is very grunge. Most of my clothes are baggy as well as I feel very constricted in form fitting wear.

4. I'm incredibly standoffish and shy. Very anxious to try anything new and I like routine. I don't talk a whole lot and am more observant- very sensitive to the world around me. Whenever I have the ability to stay in and in bed I take it. Bit of a pushover, particularly around angrier people as I don't have the bravery nor energy to stand up for myself. Once I feel safe around someone I'm a completely different person. Goofy. Cynical. Laid-back and a little lazy. I have quite the temper and allow myself to get angry and irritated around them. I need someone who can handle my harshness.

I also have quiet BPD and my moods can flip drastically in a second over anything or for no particular reason at all. I can make rash and reckless decisions.

5. I'm a huge sucker for anything horror, whether that be watching, reading or playing a video game about it.

Obsessed with cats, am frequently called the crazy cat lady by family. I have a beautiful bombay named Dot who's just as standoffish, anxious and aggressive as me. Would love if she's able to bond with you because she also feels safe.

I listen to a lot older rock when not listening to Ghost. Scorpions, Blue Oyster Cult, Ratt.

In my spare time I like being lazy. Watching TV and screwing around on my phone. I'm a waitress and am very exhausted and sore by the end of every shift- so I just enjoy doing nothing. I do occasionally like to get out and will follow, even if it's for groceries.

6. I love those shitty unhinged Garfield comics. Will laugh at them for hours.

I love the ocean. Surround myself with memories and decor of the few times I was able to visit it.

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is...Papa Emeritus II

With you being so shy he was confused at first why you didn't approach him. He realises he needs to open up a little to you, so you can see he isn't really that scary and grumpy. He is actually very caring and loving, he too also has a fun goofy side that people only see when he's at parties unless they are close to him.

He can deal with your harshness, he understands it's you being comfortable around him. He is also very good at standing up for himself and other people. If someone is being angry towards you he will be at your side in seconds looking incredibly intimidating. No one will ever bother you again.

He's really supportive when it comes to your BPD. He'll do anything he can to help when your mood flips. If you make any decisions you regret or want to change he will 100% support you to do that. It's amazing what Secondo and his Ghouls can pull off.

Secondo enjoys reading as well. He loves sitting on the sofa with you in his arms, each of you lost in your own book. He is just so content to know you are there next to him. He also loves painting, as a suprise he painted you in a scene from your favourite book.

If you need to let off steam he'll take you for a walk round the gardens, they are the most calming and soothing place in the Ministry. He'll listen as much as you need, and do what he can to help.

He'll buy you anything you want. He notices your love of horror and buys the best sound system and TV he can find. He sets it all up in his living quaters. He had a spare room that wasn't really being used. He gets the most comofrtable sofa for you to sit on and when you are watching films there together (or you can go there by yourself whenever you want) he makes sure there is fresh popcorn and drinks.

He also takes you on trips to the ocean whenever he can. He'll pay for and arrange everything so you can just go and be by the ocean with nothing to worry about.

~

Written by Nyx

[kaybl]

Hi guys this isn't art related! (Sorry!! 😅) it's just a tiny vent

I will post some art later so don't worry

There's some cursing and heavy topics so please read it carefully

I hate this life and I hate how awful I am of a person, I hate the fact I look like im always happy when im actually dying inside and incredibly tired, I wanna have the ability to vomit whenever i want to just so I can stop being around people whenever I want to, I wanna stop living the gray situations that makes me gulp and cry on the floor like a fucking loser, I hate the fact I even cry because that just shows how much of a weak and miserable of a person I am, and I hate the fact I never try to get better at things and just immediately give up like if I was a dumbass that don't know how to even make a bed, I hate the fact I look and act so childish and so stupid whenever I am myself around people, and I hate how bad I look whenever I look at the mirror, not just my disgusting face but also my tired eyes that show how stupid, awful and fucking loser of a person I am. Im not mentally good, but im guessing these things just leave eventually, so I'll try to persist for a bit, I hope these thoughts eventually go away. It isn't helping the fact I am posting this shitass vent into my art account because it shows how much of a loser and attention seeker am I because I can't even create another random account to type this shit on like the dumbass bag piece of shit that I am, It's not like I even care what I say about myself, I care even more about what others think of me, specially people that I know and really aprecciate, I cry whenever I remember those people calling me a stupid idiot, it's even feels like it's true, because I do things people not commonly do because of logic sense. I get it, I have talents, I can draw, but what else? Is the only thing I'm good at just a hobby? Why can't I do other things? Like singing? Being good at math? At history? At biology? At dancing? At swimming? Am I that lazy enough to not learn anything else in my life? Is my life really that messed up? I'm young, I know, but I can't stop thinking the fact I won't do anything in the future, even if someone says to not lose hope, I have already lost hope on myself, because I know who I am, im not a persistent and very smart person, im just the regular artist you can see on your favorite app and like, it's lovely at least, having to know people like your art, even if it's just for a tiny second, looking at them glaze with their eyes your own art, the thing you did for fun, it's truly amazing seeing people like your art, it feels you are happy for a tiny second. But yeah, back to where I was, I don't even have another thing to do, I just lay on my bed like a bag of trash, looking through my phone and wasting time of my life instead of actually doing something, and I hate myself for ir, for the fact I can't fucking stand up because I simply don't want to, because I have given up already, because im just that much of a weak, stupid, awful, disgusting, exhausting of a person. I like the fact my cat bites me because that shows how miserable of a person I have become that I don't even really mind something to hurt me, as long as the shit doesn't kill me I'm alright

Thanks for reading. Have a great day/afternoon/night 💖

[good2bbad]

Ah! I didn't see you were back, I was... lazing in my bed, reading... for the whole day...

Well I guess won't be one to judge me harshly for that, tho I still resent myself a little for not checking, I know how boredom can be... er, exhausting, in a way

Anyway

So you have snow, eh? It's been snowing a little for the better part of the day where I live too, tho it just started to hang on the ground. Who know, maybe tomorrow there will be a thin layer of snow? Not sure if I like that or not... I mean, I love snow, but I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I have to walk to do so... it can get kinda slippery

How do you feel about snow yourself? Do you like it? I mean beside it being cold and children being loud while playing with it 🤔

First caller of the day! ...bright and early, too.

Good on you for being lazy for the day. Keep that up! I've gotten a call here or there, I wasn't too bored. That, and I went out to try and get Sportanoodle out of town again.

...may or may not have failed.

Ugh. Snow. It's a bit of a nuisance. It's freezing!! It keeps me in my lair all day. Now that I think about it, that's not bad.

But the snow is good sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to make up a scheme for it. Like trying to ruin the nice dinner the Lazytowners were having on Christmas!

[terrisartwork]

how 2 become a girl [wip]

so you've decided that you can no longer be male and you want to purge the maleness from your body and replace it with femaleness. boy have you come to the right place. so it turns out that i also experience these emotions but every time i experience them it's like "woah, what the hell. this is esoteric and weird." and i go through harrowing emotional moments like "this feels good, actually i need to get this. i need to work on something. oh god, i feel bad again. oh wait, reconciliation. i need to." and it all becomes super abstract. turns out that gender is just fucking everywhere and is both pervasive yet understated in society, people just have no idea like how to talk about it. trying to wrap my head around it is probably the most laborious task i've ever done and even still i need it to eventually even out in the end.

[radio silence, that's all folks!]

actually uh, weirdly i think the whole process of realising myself as being female is quite bewildering. 'male' seemed like a best-fit model. After all, why would i grow facial hair, be into some guy-ish things but then [i hate men's deodrant, more masculine activities like foodball, i hate my body/facial hair, yet for some reason it just grows back so i just stop shaving after a world. too much of a pain in the ass.] anyway, so my body is like "hey bitch, you're going to be male and you're going to like it." but now i've tricked my mind into being like "nah-uh." and it's not actively realising that hey, maybe my body is just telling me lies about who i am. maybe i should stop paying attention to it. after all my body does not think but my brain does!

[this is the trick folks]

uh, how did i figure this out. now uh, turns out that like i always had these feelings but then like even realising that was just a harrowing whole-ass process and for the longest time i just put a pin in being female and then like never really acting upon it. acting on it and thinking, how to plan ahead, it becomes torturously speculative but then at the same time also exhausting, but sometimes little things come into place. hey, i like wearing dresses, i'm okay at wearing make-up and like it turns out i did have a naturally feminine vibe to myself that people just took objection to. so now it feels unnatural and the whole process is just about how do i feel less weird being female.

[shit, is it really this hard to be a girl!]

hormones, surgery, people are like "oh shit, these are EXOTIC healthcare options" but then actually they're just bodily autonomy. you would feel like shit if you were a girl and your body was producing testosterone like crazy. now, my first port of call with dealing with this. do not care. this is a temp strategy but then it's like CBT and rewiring your brain to figure out that "huh, maybe i actually do like being female. maybe there are things about this that appeal to me." and then just repeating that until it should become second nature to you.

[speculative territory]

now this is the part that i have trouble with and am still trying to figure out. how da hell do hormones work? should i just inject some random ones that i found off the internet? uh.....

damn glasgow trans healthcare only taking people from may 2018 [as of june 2023]. now if there was a way to go private. ah it's too scary for now. best just return back to a state of.... i can't. ah well, i guess one day in the future that, hopefully, one day, i will become a girl but then it turns out that trying to become a girl.... [sadness kicks in] it's just too hard for me to handle!

[this bitch is too lazy to transition so now she's just 'non-binary' for now. please just ignore anything that points to her being 'male' it's all a lie that her body is signalling.]

guy who hasn't been paying attention to my introspection for the last 5 years or so: "hey, how come this person is now a girl? that's soooooo unexpected and bewildering!"

[allisonirish]

Just William

Chapter 2

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Child Murder, Grief, Incarcerated Parent

Word Count: 1,444

Disclaimer: This story does not follow Scott Cawthon's FNAF games or books. However many of the characters and events are the same or have been adapted. These characters do not belong to me, but the rearrangement of events and character adaptations are my own works.

I hid in my room for the next couple of hours, hoping to stay unnoticed by my family...and William. Sitting on my fuzzy purple beanbag at my wooden desk, I tried to bury myself in a piece of artwork I was finishing. Drawing and painting had become my way of "coping" and it turns out, I'm not too bad at it. I'd even started doing commissions, starting with illustrating children's books and more recently doing posters and murals for businesses.

Despite my numerous complaints, when I turned sixteen, mom told me it was time to get a job. So I interviewed and started my brand new job waitressing at Applebee's. I lasted two months before my manager got sick of my "hopeless negativism". Whatever that means. I didn't really care though, I hated being around all those people who despise me and I told mom so. If I'm being honest, I was too hard on mom last year. She deserves better than me. Tired of fighting with me, frustrated at Michael's poor grades at the time, and exhausted from working three jobs, she gave up. Told me to stay home and be lazy if that's what I wanted. I felt good about winning that battle for about twenty-four hours, that's when the guilt really set in. After apologizing to my mother and with the help of a friend, I began to submit my artwork to publishing companies and after just two weeks, got hired to illustrate a children's book called Bigfoot Loves Pizza. Goofy, I know, but it was a moneymaker and it made mom happy. I was also offered a job as part time waitress and full time graphic designer at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza 2.0. This was shocking to my entire family since the restaurant was owned by...Charlie's dad. And Charlie's dad shouldn't want anything to do with me.

My sweet solitude, sadly, didn't last long enough. A soft knock echoed from my door and I saw Michael slowly peek around it.

"Hi, Lizzie," He walked into my room, dragging his feet. "Mom says it's time for supper."

I inwardly groaned. Mom had been planning 'our first family dinner in nine years' all week. She even dragged me into mashing the potatoes for one of William's old favorites. Cottage Pie. I personally don't like the stuff, less because William likes it and more because I'm not a fan of ground meat. It looks too much like cat food for my taste.

"Tell her I'm busy." I went back to my drawing. It was a large, purple robotic rabbit with a red bow tie and electric guitar. Bonnie the bunny was an animatronic that William made for his first restaurant, Fredbear's Family Diner before I was born. Except now he was one of the main mascots for the restaurant I worked for and I was drawing Bonnie with large, red, star-shaped sunglasses, playing the electric guitar, and surfing a gnarly wave on a red and purple surfboard. Behind Bonnie were the emboldened words

Catch the Last Wave of Summer Fun at Freddy's!

"That's cool." Michael stared over my shoulder. "Is Bonnie your favorite?"

"Yeah, I like Bonnie okay." Bonnie had been Charlie's favorite. I focused on some dark shadowing under Bonnie's sunglasses. Suddenly, I heard a crash behind me and nearly jumped out of my seat. Whipping around, I saw Michael trying to pick up my violin case and music stand he had knocked over.

"Okay, buddy," I helped him put everything back into place. "Maybe we should go down to dinner."

Michael grinned and dashed out of my room, sprinting down the stairs in front of me. As I followed him my thoughts stayed with my violin. Music had become my other way of dealing with my emotions. Music was something I could get lost in, let every single drop of hate, anger, and shame pour out into a song before they can stream down my face. Art is more about control. It's the precise bits of emotion that are patiently and deliberately depicted on a page.

My mother sat at her usual spot on the left side of our large, oaken kitchen table, beaming over the steaming casserole dish in the center. At the head of the table, sporting a barely noticeable smile, only detectable by the slight dimples forming in his cheeks, was William. Michael had taken his spot next to mother and I wanted to kick myself when I realized my normal seat was right beside William. I slunk over and sat down, making sure to scoot my chair a good twelve more inches away from him. I pretended not to hear the sigh I got from my mother and ignored the conversation between her and William about how she hoped he would like dinner, and how he was sure he would and oh how delicious it looked. Michael mentioned how I helped make it and I gave myself a headache trying not to roll my eyes. 

Throughout the rest of dinner I tried to soothe my headache by drinking several large glasses of iced tea and water, and basically ignored everything that came out of William's mouth. He acted nice...too nice. He asked mom about how the house was holding up, if there was anything he could fix, how Michael liked school, how his summer break was going, and what he'd been up to lately. I had just finished my food and was looking for a chance to escape, when William turned to me. 

"How was your school year, Elizabeth?"  

My gaze cut sharply to him, startled. His eyes were shifting, flowing in waves of blue softness and aquamarine steel. 

I shrugged, "I don't go to school."

"Why doesn't she go to school?" William's face bore a hilarious appalled look. 

"Elizabeth is homeschooled," My mother cut in, "and she does mostly college classes online." 

"Because I don't want to spend my time around imbeciles." I mumble, earning a glare from my mother. 

"We just didn't see it as the best option at the moment." Mom gave me a 'don't you dare say another word look'. 

"But Michael goes to school?" William was obviously confused.

My mother was fumbling for words. "Michael does better...socially than Elizabeth. It's just easier for him to...be around so many people."

"You got that right." I mumbled again. 

"Elizabeth Annette," My mother's face threatened corporal punishment if I opened my mouth one more time.  

I bit the inside of my cheek, lifted my chin in defiance, and dared to speak anyway. "Well it's not like it's my fault I can't go to school. In fact maybe I should go to school like Michael!" 

My voice was mockingly cheery and I hoped William caught every hint of sarcasm.

"I'm sure being the daughter of a child murderer will make me immensely popular in school. Who knows maybe I'll even be the homecoming queen and for my speech I can tell the story of how my father stabbed my best friend in her sleep! Wouldn't that be lovely!" 

My voice tipped into a British accent  when I said lovely and I knew my degradation of William had gone too far. My mother's face was a mixture of shock and rage, her fingers gripped hard onto the table, turning whiter than I thought possible. Michael cowered beside her looking as if he was about to cry, and William...WAS SMILING AT ME?!? His pearly white teeth flashed at me, although the grin did not meet his eyes and I could see the indention where his teeth were pulling at the inside of his cheek. 

"Yes, I can see why you wouldn't want to go to school, Elizabeth." He stood slowly, purposefully, but i caught the slight quiver in his hands. "Now if you'll all excuse me I believe I need to go out for a quick fag." 

Mother stood and retrieved the cigarettes and lighter I didn't know William had from the kitchen counter. He had never smoked when I was a child. 

"Thank you dear. Dinner was lovely..err...delicious." He walked out the front door without another word and through the window I saw a small flame glowing. 

I almost sighed in relief until I saw my mother glaring at me. 

"Young lady," If looks could kill I'm sure she would've burned a hole through my head. "We need to have a talk."

With a strength I didn't know she had, being several inches shorter and leaner than I, my mother held my wrist with a pressure that I was sure would leave indentations on my very bones, and towed me to her room. I was in trouble now.

[fictionkinfessions]

i hate when people call me/sans lazy. even if my canon version was content to describe himself that way, it still feels bad, because everyone called me lazy when i was sans and it *sucked.*

my inactivity and oversleeping wasn't me being lazy, i was sick and tired all the time! something was seriously wrong with my health, but it was always brushed off as a lack of effort, so i never let myself get it checked. i was so exhausted and stressed from the bare minimum activities of life, and instead of getting help, i just felt guilty for struggling in the first place.

I'm glad that apparently the actual sans wasn't like that, but man. it hurts, trying your best and still not being good enough. and then to have your "actual" self presented as the silly careless lazy guy that you never wanted to be? fuck.

-sans (specifically dust, but that's not super relevant) #waning🌘

✉

[beautifully-fucked92]

Had great day but of course my mind ruins it. Had a amazing session with someone I care deeply for then purely just hung out.

As much as I enjoyed the session the best part for me was after, just hanging out. The occasional kiss, the hugs and just chilling.

Didn't last long of course I started biting my thumb which this person has learnt is my tell that my head starting to get messy. If I had stayed I would have fallen asleep due to mental exhaustion, I didn't want to leave but I didn't want to fall asleep, cry or talk anymore either.

Now I'm back in my head hating life, myself and crying.

Therapy on Thursday, fuck do I want to cancel. I'm so beyond fucked up and I know talking, learning coping mechanisms and learning to manage the thoughts helps but I just can't seem to put shit into words.

My head gets messy daily, I cut and I cry. Fuck do I hate crying it doesn't solve anything. I try to talk about some of my shit but it's so hard to vocalise it.

Cutting helps temporarily. But that relief I feel doesn't last long enough.

This is worst it's ever been. I'm so scared I won't make it out the other side.

My thoughts work against the logical thoughts. I hate myself, I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, I deserved it, I don't deserve good, I'll never be loved and everything is my fault, logically I know it's not true but it doesn't stop that thought being fore front in my mind. The worst part is it's different thoughts everyday, some overlap a lot but some are new. Like I'm just good for a fuck/I'll never be good enough for more, that's something I was told growing up and something living in my head. No matter how much someone says otherwise it doesn't erase it and. I fucking hate these thoughts, I hate feeling like this all the time.

Fuck getting out of bed is effort, being a parent is effort, eating is effort. I just don't have the capacity to put effort into everything I need to do.

My once was best friend said to me that I lived my mother so I could be lazy, not parent and not do anything. That's the farthest from the truth. I love with my mother because I know I have these periods where I just can't function and do what I need to do. This way my children are supervised and looked after while I suffer.

The thing that some people don't realize is I actually hate my mother some days because she didn't protect me as a child then there are days where I know it's not fair to hate her because she suffered at my father's hand as well.

I wish it was easy to just end it but I care about how others will feel.

I've had thoughts of driving into a truck but I wouldn't want to damage someones life like that.

I've thought about slicing my wrists in my room and bleeding out but I wouldn't want someone to find me that way, I've seen the damage finding someone you care for having committed suicide. (A friend found his best mate hanging in a shed, I've seen how it changes people)

I just wish I could go 24 hours without feeling like this. It doesn't have to go away permanently just the occasional day off would be good.

I just want to be content with life.

A few times i've been this bad I can pin point what triggered it.

3 times was triggered by so called friends, 2 by ex partners.

1 - friendship ending and being accused of things I would never do/chosen over drugs

2 - having a friend basically say I was a shit parent in front of people I class as family and close friends

3 - (most recent) this is one is interesting to me because it wasn't set off by the incident between myself and my friend but an incident between myself and friends of the friend in a public space where I felt comfortable to be me.

4 - my ex fiance cheating on me and miscarrying his baby due to the stress and emotions.

5 - father of my daughter and I were arguing and I admitted that I wish I never had his child and that if I could give my child away without judgment I would have at that time.

Why can't I speak this? I can type it and write but I can't vocalise it. I'm just a useless pathetic bitch worth than nothing more than a fuck and will never achieve anything more in life.

[gundabadbitch]

I should've known something was wrong when I got a call from work off the clock but no, I just assumed that HR was being lazy about investigating something. NOPE. In the span of a little over an hour, most of it taking place while I was driving, I have gone from being "put on termination status" to maybe being fired to no that's a wrongful termination suit just to get a call back as soon as I got off the phone with my daddy and was dialing the next person up the chain. Now I'm no longer fired for a situation they had never seen before but by god am I emotionally and physically exhausted. I haven't touched the food I was on the way to pick up when I got the first call, too busy crying and panicking and trying to figure out what the hell I was gonna do without a job. But fucking Tim Spencer what an ass trying to make the situation my fault when it was HIS SUPERVISORS who knew better and lied to my face and handed me the fucking paper that would have led to my ruination and with fucking GLEE. I should've KNOWN when he was so eager to give it to me and pick it back up instead of waiting for it to be turned in at the end of the night! Not even a month and a half after the LAST person he tried to get fired! But no, Tim Spencer wants to ask me all these questions about who told me this and who did that and what was this situation like but no no no, that has nothing to do with our decision to rescind the termination. No, that was all done out of the goodness of our hearts to let you use this thing that is explicitly to be used for this purpose which you would have used in the first place if TWO fucking SUPERVISORS hadn't lied to you! I seriously want to email the boss in Wixom about the whole thing, go above even the boss at my location that I was going to call about the situation but now I have to try to fucking choke down food I was so excited to eat when I haven't eaten since before bed yesterday and try to force myself to sleep before work tonight because jk yes you do have to go in tonight after we told you explicitly not to step foot on the property yet somehow still turn your gate pass in and despite the turmoil we put you in for funsies. And Tim Spencer had the fucking gall! The audacity! To joke about how much they want to keep their employees, how much they need people right now! To which I responded (and rightfully so) that I imagine the person making the overtime calenders will be glad that he no longer has to scramble and fill the next six weeks because jokes on you bud, THAT WAS ME! I WAS SCHEDULED TO WORK THE NEXT SIX WEEKS FOR MY PROCESS! Nobody else was working my area! Just me! No fucking time off, no nothing except for one sunday in the last month and the night I had to use a scheduled vacation day for because I don't want to go in after getting TWO FUCKING ROOT CANALS.

[mama-cloud-goddess]

7 Baby "Hacks" I've Found Most Helpful

Hey mamas!

It feels weird to call most of these "hacks;" they're mostly preferences. But everyone calls nearly everything a hack nowadays and I got swept up in the trend. I've also seen "hack" posts including similar things to my points in this post, if not exact things, so I'm struggling to find another term for it.

Anyway.

One changing station. I'd seen a video of a mom saying that she kept a diaper caddy (diapers, wipes, rash cream, etc) in every room of the house so she wasn't constantly having to run to the room with the changing table when her baby had a blowout. For the first couple of weeks, I did this too. I kept a pack of wipes and a stack of diapers in the nursery, the living room, and the bedroom so that no matter where I or my fiancé were, we could easily change our son. I decided shortly after that it was too overwhelming to have changing supplies in every room; plus, I lost track of things way more often. I never knew how many packs of wipes we had left or where the hell the diaper cream was, and my son had a particular fondness for peeing all over the couch when I changed him there. So I decided to use his official changing table as the only changing station in the house and it's honestly so much better.

Two beds. In contrast to the last point, having two beds for my son (technically three, if we include the portable pack-n-play) has been very useful. We were gifted a crib/changing table combo that we keep in the nursery and use for his daily naps. We were separately and unexpectedly gifted a playpen/bassinet combo that we keep in the bedroom for nighttime sleep. That way as soon as he cries (or my alarm goes off on nights he sleeps past his feeding time), I'm up and tending to him, and he doesn't have to wait for me to drag myself down the hall. It also helps my anxiety to be able to peek over to the other side of the room and check on him versus staring at the video screen of my baby monitor.

Minimal bottles. When I first unpacked all of the bottles we received as gifts and counted only five, I wondered if I should buy more. I soon discovered, however, that having a limited number forced me to regularly wash them, keeping them from getting nasty and piling up in my sink until I had time. Washing used bottles is now part of my daily morning routine. I further proved this to myself when I was gifted a breast pump that came with about six bottles and, during a few days of exhaustion and executive dysfunction, used all of them and left them sitting on my living room table. Trust me; minimal bottles are your best friend. Unless maybe if your kiddo goes to childcare, then you might want some extra. I'm a work-from-home mom, so I don't know.

Multiple breast pumps. Despite the fact that having multiple pumps enabled my lazy bottle pileup, having options was a blessing. I started off with a Spectra, which if you're unfamiliar is a radio-sized machine that requires being plugged in in order to work. My next pump was a Zomee, which was much smaller and more compact as well as rechargeable, so it was much easier to use. My current favorite pump is wearable, and though it's bulky and a little awkward to keep in place while I'm moving about the house, it's by far the most convenient because I can stuff it in my bra and not have to sit in one place holding the flange to my boob. But my point is that I think trying (if you're able, breast pumps are expensive and I'm grateful to have been gifted the first two) multiple styles is important to ensuring you have a pleasant breastfeeding journey (if you choose to breastfeed - we don't bottle shame here).

Baby laundry detergent. When I first brought my son home, I washed his clothes and blankets separately but used the same detergent as the rest of us. It was plain old Tide, so I didn't think it would cause any issue. it took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that my detergent was giving him eczema breakouts, so I switched to a baby specific brand. Between that and baby eczema lotion, his breakouts cleared right up. I'd toyed with the idea of switching everyone in the house to baby detergent, but the one I bought was more expensive than Tide, and there are three adults in the house, so the expensive baby detergent would be gone quickly. It's more cost-efficient for us to just buy both.

Hangers. In my current residence, we don't have a standard washer and dryer, because we live on the second floor with a narrow staircase and don't want to risk our lives carrying a washer and dryer upstairs. Instead, my ex-husband, when he lived here, bought a portable washer and spinner from Amazon. I'm sure you've seen it - they've been all over TikTok and Facebook Marketplace. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but that's not the point. It includes a spinner, not a dryer, so we still have to hang our clothes up to air dry them. I bought tiny hangers for my son's clothes, and honestly, it's much easier than having them folded up in a dresser. Putting things away (clothes, dishes, groceries) is the bane of my existence, so I often leave my own laundry hung up in the laundry room instead of packing it into a drawer. Plus, babies spit up a ton, and blow outs are common, and it's much faster to pluck a onesie off a hanger than it would be to go through a dresser.

Frozen pacifier. My son started teething early. Before I started buying proper teethers, since he's only 3 1/2 months old and can't hold a teether in his mouth yet, I decided to stick his pacifiers in the freezer. He absolutely loves it. When his gums are bugging him, a cold pacifier soothes him immediately. It obviously doesn't stay frozen for long, since there's no liquid in it to keep cold, but the initial cold is enough to distract him. His pacifiers now live in the freezer. I alternate them one at a time - whenever he needs a cold one, I stick the one he's currently spitting out back in its place.

I hope some of these "hacks" prove useful to you. Feel free to comment with your own!

[caregiving-compass]

Overcoming Cancer-Related Fatigue

Hi there! I'm Molly, and I've been through a breast cancer diagnosis about a decade ago. One of the toughest parts wasn't just dealing with the disease itself, but also managing with the extreme tiredness that came with it. This tiredness is called cancer-related fatigue, and it's way more than just feeling sleepy. It's like your whole body is weighed down, making even simple tasks feel like climbing a mountain. I remember that walking across the room to the fridge from the couch felt like a miles long hike!

But here's the good news: there are ways to fight back against this fatigue and get your energy back. I want to share my story and some tips that helped me, hoping they might help you or someone you know who's going through this tough time.

What Cancer-Related Fatigue Feels Like

First, let's talk about what this fatigue really feels like. It's not like being tired after a long day at school. It's a bone-deep exhaustion that doesn't go away even after you sleep. Sometimes, it felt like my arms and legs were made of lead. Other times, it was hard to think clearly, like my brain was wrapped in fog.

This kind of fatigue can start during cancer treatment and last for months or even years afterward. It's frustrating because you want to do normal things, but your body just won't cooperate.

My Journey with Fatigue

When I first started feeling this intense tiredness, I thought something was wrong with me. Why couldn't I just "push through" like I used to? I felt guilty for being so tired all the time, especially when my family and friends were trying to help me.

But then my doctor explained that this fatigue was a normal part of having cancer and going through treatment. It wasn't my fault, and I wasn't being lazy. This helped me stop being so hard on myself and start looking for ways to manage my energy better.

Tips That Helped Me Cope with Fatigue

Here are some things that really helped me deal with cancer-related fatigue. Remember, everyone is different, so what worked for me might not work exactly the same for you. But I hope these ideas give you a good starting point:

Plan Your Day: I started planning my days around my energy levels. I'd do harder tasks when I felt most awake (usually in the morning for me) and easier stuff when I was more tired.

Short Rests: Instead of one long nap, I took short 15-30 minute rests throughout the day. This helped me stay more alert without messing up my night sleep.

Light Exercise: It sounds weird, but moving more actually gave me more energy. I started with short walks and slowly built up to longer ones. On days I exercised, I usually felt less tired overall.

Eat Well: Eating healthy foods gave my body the fuel it needed. I ate lots of fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins. I also drank plenty of water to stay hydrated.

Sleep Routine: I set up a bedtime routine to help me sleep better at night. I stopped using my phone an hour before bed and did calming activities like reading or listening to soft music.

Ask for Help: This was hard for me at first, but asking for help when I needed it was a game-changer. Whether it was help with chores or just having someone to talk to, support from others made a big difference.

Stress-Busting Activities: I tried things like deep breathing, gentle yoga, and meditation to help manage stress. Less stress meant more energy for other things.

Set Small Goals: Instead of getting overwhelmed by big tasks, I broke them into smaller, more manageable goals. Completing these gave me a sense of accomplishment and motivation.

Join a Support Group: Talking with others who understood what I was going through helped me feel less alone and gave me new ideas for managing fatigue.

Keep a Fatigue Journal: I started writing down my energy levels at different times of the day. This helped me spot patterns and plan my activities better. The Manta Planner is a great way to track symptoms like fatigue.

The Importance of Patience

One of the biggest lessons I learned was to be patient with myself. Overcoming cancer-related fatigue takes time. There were days when I felt great and days when I could barely get out of bed. I learned to celebrate the good days and be kind to myself on the tough ones.

Talk to Your Doctor

While these tips helped me, it's super important to talk to your doctor about your fatigue. Sometimes, there might be medical reasons for extreme tiredness that need to be treated differently. Your doctor can also give you personalized advice based on your specific situation.

You're Not Alone

Remember, if you're dealing with cancer-related fatigue, you're not alone. It's a real and challenging side effect of cancer and its treatment. But with the right strategies and support, it is possible to regain your energy and enjoy life again.

To anyone reading this who's going through cancer or supporting someone who is: you're stronger than you know. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it.

The Manta Cares team comprises cancer survivors, caregivers, and oncologists, offering a unique understanding of the challenges that come with a cancer diagnosis. They provide support throughout the cancer journey and are available to answer any questions. Their resources include a Chemotherapy Checklist for Caregivers and a Financial Checklist for Cancer Treatment, alongside a bi-weekly podcast called the Patient from Hell, which aims to educate and empower listeners. The podcast is available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, and other platforms. Dealing with cancer as a patient or caregiver can feel isolating, but the Manta Cares team ensures that no one has to face it alone.

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Disclaimer

All content and information provided in connection with Manta Cares is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. This content and information is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.