#and i'm beginning to see/add nuances to what is things and nothings and what feels like doing or not doing

[machidielontheway]

so i "did nothing" today of what i had planned (groceries, 'mental health walk') but i also : - did the laundry - put away the dry cloth of the previous laundry run - waxed (which i wanted to do yesterday so i'm glad i did it now) - practiced my instrument (twas not great as it was a bit mindless, but i finally found the source of one recent sound problem) - washed my hair - did a little callisthenics - downloaded some songs to begin making a collection - learned that even if i'm not feeling it, putting the right song WILL give me the energy necessary to do the thing. i do not need to want to hear the sound for it to work.

so even if i didn't do a "specific activity" outside i still did things and that's good !

[chubs-deuce]

I read your post about Chaggie and it reminded me of how I recently made a rewrite of Vaggie to make her more interesting.

For one, NOT make her a love interest right off the bat since it's been shown that by doing so it doesn't allow her to be her own character.

Play more into what being an exorcist was like for her, what made her have a change of heart and how she hates herself for what she's done in the past.

Perhaps during one of those exterminations she witnesses a family getting murdered or at least the husband sacrificing himself to let his wife and children get away, seeing how despite being sinful creatures they still have hearts in their own way.

She would look at herself, her sisters and Adam and how they don't act like that at all and wondered if what they were doing is really right.

And from there everything could be the same with the exception of her and Charlie being best friends instead of lovers and have her arc being more focused on wanting to make sure the hotel works so maybe one day SHE could get redeemed herself and feel like a real angel.

sorry ik this response is hella late I just haven't had the brain juice for it until now

Right?!

Tho imo making them an established couple from the get-go isn't even really the issue so much as Vaggie just constantly being sidelined and reduced to "Charlie's protective girlfriend" and their couple dynamic refusing to be anything but wholesome.

It just feels way too much like Vaggie makes being Charlie's main source of support her whole entire identitiy and at times it even feels a little bit one-sided imo?

I completely blame the fact that the narrative lets Charlie be her own character who deals with situations that don't involve Vaggie directly in any capacity, whereas Vaggie's problems all entirely come back to wanting to help Charlie or the hotel (so... in extension, also Charlie)...

And imo anytime they do interact in a romantic way it feels a bit much like the narrative is just pointing at them going "look! They're using pet names and holding hands! Aren't they cute??? Ship them please" and then... do almost nothing with them beyond that, even when given some great opportunities.

One thing that would've actually saved this ship for me would've been if the writers actually allowed them to have a proper fight about the whole former exorcist reveal.

Like why bring that up if it's not actually going to contribute anything to the narrative?!

They could've easily included the fact that Charlie jumped pretty recklessly into a deal with Alastor as something Vaggie is upset over (reasonably so imo), and then have both of them argue about it for a bit, before putting that whole thing aside for the moment because protecting the hotel is more important right now.

Charlie can still have her talk with Rosie about that whole mess and come out of it with a more forgiving mindset, while Vaggie has her little mini-arc with Camilla (tho imo she should've also been established to want revenge way more in order for the song's message to actually hit right).

Then later, when the battle is about to begin, her and Vaggie could sit down and talk about it and then mutually apologize.

THEN they can have their little duet (which - if you ask me - should've been a reprise of Whatever It Takes, not the father/daughter song...)

In canon there was never even? An apology? Charlie was angry about it for like half an episode and then brought Vaggie a souvenir and suddenly everything's fine? I honestly hated that. They had so much potential to finally add something meaningful to the pairing with this plotpoint and yet chose to omit that, and for what?

To keep them 100% wholesome? It removes any nuance that would've helped make their dynamic more interesting to follow along.

I'm just... so disappointed with how painfully bland this pairing is just because canon refused to take any kinds of risks with them :')

[insomniac-101]

Rose Tyler Character Analysis

Ah so Rose Tyler.

Rose " you like my gun?" Tyler who arguably, is one of the most important characters of the RTD era. A character so influential, that the narrative takes the time to mourn her absence and was single handedly responsible for bringing the series back from the dead.

She's so controversial. You either really love her or hate her, and I think that in itself is a testament to how well she is written. Because she left an impact, and that's not an easy thing to do in a series that has been around for so long

With that in mind though, I find that she is also the character that most people tend to misinterpret a lot. Often framing her in a bad light, rather than with the nuance required to understand her.

That being said I'm about to analyze the shit out of her character as well as some of her main relationships so if you love her, great I do too! Let's be friends! And if you don't, that's a shame but hopefully the way I interpret her journey will help you better understand why others do:)

I must stress that this is my interpretation but feel free to let me know if you saw a scene differently than me! Love reading alternate interpretations, me

Rose Marion Tyler is introduced to us in the first season of Nuwho as an ordinary girl. She has a job, a boyfriend, and a mother but from the way we are introduced to these facets of her life, we get the impression that she isn't necessarily someone that seeks to have anything more. She fits right in with said life and from an outside perspective, one can even argue that she seems content with it.

However it's in the moment where we see her come face to face with the impossible, that we really see who she is as a person.

When confronted with a group of living mannequins that slowly creep towards her , alone I must add, her reaction is one that is quite strange. Here she is, looking to fulfill a task in a completely dodgy and empty area below her workplace and when she sees something odd, she doesn't show fear. She doesn't scream, no on the contrary, she begins to try to rationalize what is happening in a manner that makes sense to her. Never one to assume danger, even when it is painfully obvious that there might be something strange happening.

That is when she meets the Doctor. A man unfamiliar and strange that saves her life right before she too succumbs to the threat. Thus, treating us to our first glimpse into the dynamic between our two leads.

She is visibly put off. Perhaps a little afraid but she asserts that the incident was nothing more than a prank. Something harmless and silly, even though it is quite obvious to us that that is not the case. It's this manner of viewing the incident that catches his attention however.

"Very clever, nice trick. Who are they then, students? Is this a student thing or what?"

"Why would they be students?"

"I don't know!"

"Well you said it, why students?"

"Cause to get that many people dressed up and being silly, they got to be students"

I find this interaction so interesting because it says a lot about her perspective. She doesn't assume the mob meant any harm. In fact, she goes out of her way to make up an even more incredulous scenario to justify their innocence, even when it is obvious that that is not the case. 

It shows nativity, but there's an underlying level of optimism there as well.

It is here where she finds out that Wilson is dead, and we see her react with concern. But notice, she doesn't assume he had anything to do with it.

Rather it's his tone that rubs her the wrong way, and she confronts the Doctor. Chastising him about joking about something so awful and even when he interrupts, she doesn't stop her pursuit for an explanation.

She is on the move right behind him, asking more questions that only seem to have more confusing answers. Following in spite of how absolutely bat shit his explanations are.

In this brief interaction, we see some of the most crucial aspects of her character. Her bravery, curiosity, and stubborn nature that allow her to remain by his side, long enough that he has to physically stop her and tell her to go home.

It is this blatant show of her character that prompts him to ask for her name.

Because here she is, confronted with the impossible yet she doesn't just stand to the side in shock. No, instead she chooses to engage with the Doctor. Trying to find a reason for what is happening, or in other words, a solution even if it's at the expense of her own well-being.

It's when we see her recovering at home, that the initial veil of an ordinary and perfect life is uncovered. Jackie is too busy on the phone to really offer any emotional support to her daughter. Gossiping on the phone about the incident, and in the minute a break presents itself, she uses that time to criticize her for not taking advantage of the situation.

I must stress that this interaction isn't included to say that Jackie is a horrible mother, quite the opposite, but she is human. RTD goes to show you that no one is perfect. That even the most well intended individual is flawed, and that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. This is important to keep in mind when analyzing the relationships between the characters.

Even though Jackie doesn't show her support through words, she still takes the time to give her tea as she is sitting. She is doing the best she can under the circumstances in which she's in. She's conscious that their financial situation isn't ideal, and so by telling her that she should have asked for compensation, this is not to show that she is greedy, but rather it's her way of showing that she cares. That at the very least, her daughter can secure herself some money for experiencing the traumatic incident.

It shows that she's a realist, someone who views the world through a cynical lens and prioritizes survival above all else.

Similarly we meet Mickey, and he is a bit more emotional to an exaggerated degree. Showing physically that he cares with a hug and going out of his way to fuss and dote over her, but this overblown affection seems to make her uncomfortable. As if to show that she doesn't like being the center of attention, and that they are making her feel helpless at the expense of their concern.

Understanding her need for a distraction, he offers to take her to the pub but it's not long before she catches on to his true intentions. Granted he does appear to be genuine in his goal, but it's not an activity she would enjoy and so she tells him to just go alone.

Now similar to the previous point I made about the characters being flawed, that applies here too. The relationship she has with Mickey is not perfect. Mickey is trying to play the role of a perfect boyfriend. He is showering her in love and support, but we quickly see that his motivations are not completely selfless. That really that overblown affection he is showing at the moment, is an act. We see this happen again later when he tries to put on this front that he's her protector in front of Clive, but she shuts that down too. Not because she doesn't love him or appreciate the concern, but because it's not him, and this front he puts on sometimes results in him ignoring what she actually needs.

He assumes he knows what's best for her without taking into account that she might not agree. It's only when he shows that playful nature we saw earlier in the intro that Rose seems responsive to him. As if to show that it's when he's acting like himself, that she appreciates his company. Because what she needs at the moment is not for them to dictate what she should do, she just needs them to respect her decision to move on.

When he leaves, we finally see that the comfort she derives from him is really from the friendly banter they have. At the core of their relationship, is a friendship.

I find that way too many people tend to assume that everything Mickey does comes from a place of ill intent, and that is just not true. He's a person, and he too has his own motivations and emotions that may not always align with those around him. That doesn't make him a bad partner, just a flawed one.

When she wakes up, we see that yet again, she is subjected to more fussing from her mother but it is in this interaction that something interesting about Jackie is revealed.

Jackie claims that her prior job at the mall was giving her "airs and graces" and this is something she tends to bring up later too, when she feels herself becoming more distant from her daughter.

This is a reflection of Jackie's own insecurities, not Rose's actual attitude.

Whenever she sees Rose find a piece of the world to call her own, she tends to put it down. Not because she hates seeing her succeed, but because she fears that once she finds something better she'll leave her behind. That she will have to experience loss once more, at the expense of her daughter rather than her husband all that long ago.

Now this is an assumption that on her part, I'd argue, is a bit unfair given that Rose doesn't ever really show to resent where she comes from. (in Tooth and Claw, she is even named  "Dame Rose of the Powell Estate". Which shows that she is not really one to shy away from her background) Nor does she believe herself to be better than anyone, but Jackie uses it often because she knows it elicits a reaction out of her. She's grown so used to having her around, that now she can't fathom living without her and resorts to hurting her as a means of keeping her close. 

It's an attachment to her daughter that at times, can prove to be stunting to Rose's development but ties back to the long lasting grief she feels at losing Pete. Again this is not an intentional thing she does, but it is a flaw that exists and shows up when they butt heads.

(I stress this point because I've noticed that this Era of Doctor who in particular has many instances where characters declare something, only for it to be a false conclusion. It's vital that one considers not only the words, but the actions of said characters. To read into their words, rather than to take it a face value. I will be doing a lot of that here, case in point)

Rose often has to put up boundaries with Jackie. Not because she doesn't love her, but because the extent of her love and attachment can be overbearing to the point that it interferes with her life. They have survived so long by functioning as a unit, but now it's time for Rose to prioritize her own feelings and that in turn scares Jackie.

I must stress that Rose is still so young, only 19. For her to have the maturity to know how to handle her mother as well as handle the household (we see her fussing over the cat flap, demonstrating that she is constantly aware of the circumstances they live in) shows that she had to grow up fast. Being constantly aware of adult concepts such as finances and the death of a parent from a young age, tends to do that to a kid.

Now skip ahead to when nine stumbles upon her home, and she manhandles him inside lol. She takes control of the situation, offers him a cup of tea and asks him to accompany her to the police station so that they can both handle the situation.

I must stress, once again, that she has no reason to assume he's a good person. For all she knows, he could have purposefully caused the explosion to kill them all. But no, she assumes that he was just a victim like herself and aims to bring closure to the incident.

Rose is someone that assumes the best in people. We see this time and time again with how she interacts with those around her. When she is talking about the body that was found, she assumes it's Wilson and talks about how sorry she is that it happened to him and that he was a nice bloke (even though her face tells the opposite lol).

She is kind. It's in her nature to care for and care about others. It's because of this that she is able to get through to the Doctor when he tries to leave again.

So she insists that he tell her what's going on, and continues to pursue him while making conversation. At one point he asks if she believes him and she admits that she doesn't, but nonetheless she continues listening. 

A kind act she then does for Clive, which suggests that the reason why she stays is because she recognizes that everyone wants to be heard. That to be acknowledged, means to finally feel validated. Something that seems to be absent from her life, given how often both Mickey and Jackie tend to dominate conversations regarding her decisions.

She gives him the space to joke around, to add levity to the discussion but the moment he confesses that he is alone she stops it.

Because she is concerned now. He, a complete stranger yet she offers him the patience to go at his own pace. All while, she is firm in her pursuit for an answer but not at the expense of upsetting him.

This is why they work.

She has the emotional intelligence that he lacks. She challenges him by offering a perspective that completely goes against his own. And when he's being insensitive or too focused on the big picture of things, she is able to put him in his place. Reel him back in and set him straight again.

(I did a more in depth analysis on the 9th doctor here if you're interested!)

It isn't until after she leaves Clive that we see her actually start to reconsider the direction that her life is going in. Because now more than ever, she realizes just how narrow her perception of the world really is. How insignificant her life is, in the grand scope of the universe.

She reminisces, talking about how she could go back to school now that she has the extra time to spend. Another decision, mind, that was done on behalf of someone else and she is starting to regret.

She asks for Mickey's opinion but him not actually being him, isn't able to give his input and changes the subject.

"I'm sorry, was I talking about me for a second?"

Her offense is something that stands out to me, however.

Based on prior interactions, one can come to the conclusion that Rose is not as open as she appears to be at first glance. When Mickey attempted to appease her by offering her the space to talk about the explosion, she shut him down and later on refused to include him in her meeting with Clive. She even went as far as to lie about her prior involvement with the Doctor to her mother. Which in turn suggests that it's not often that she has aspects of her life that are solely hers and so, when she finds something, she keeps it to herself.

This could be due to a number of reasons, but I suspect it is because of the company she keeps around.

Her mother criticizes her job and asks her to change it, and Mickey dissuades her decision to go looking for Clive. She keeps things close to her chest because she's aware that the people in her life won't often support them.

Then the Doctor interrupts, and Mickey is revealed to be a clone. Panic arises but her being the selfless person she is, presses the fire alarm as a means of ensuring that more people won't get hurt. This also shows one of her biggest strengths as a character, she is incredibly clever. Even though she dropped out of school at a young age, she has a knack for finding solutions with very little resources. She's sharp and has a level headed approach that makes her perfect for a crisis. 

It also shows that she has a habit of putting others before herself, because before Mickey even attacked, she was already standing next to the button.

Her compassion, bravery, and quick thinking are what ultimately drive her to save the Doctor's life. Because I'm spite of being in trouble himself, he pleads that she save herself at the price of his own life. Proving to her, that he is not responsible for the death follows him. And in turn she realizes that the life she is living is truly stunting her, because it's her putting faith into her own capabilities that allows her to save him.

That she, just like the Doctor, is capable of doing something beyond what she thought was out of her reach.

That she is free to live a life not constrained by the ordinary.

Now I'll skip ahead to the big decision; the one that seals her fate as his companion and a decision I often see people misunderstand. The decision to stay with the Doctor is not one that comes easily. Her initial rejection of his request is one that displays her hesitance.

Note that it is not because she doesn't want to, that much is evident from the way she's gazing longingly at the Tardis. But because Mickey's pleading is getting to her. He is latching onto her, metaphorically and literally; not taking the time to consider how she might feel about the opportunity.

He does not trust that she knows what's best, which is made evident in the way he often doubts her.

Up until now Rose has been someone that puts everyone above herself when it comes to making decisions. She has to consider their feelings, to the point that she feels the need to hide things from them.

Her mother.

Mickey.

And now she's going to let them snub out that little spark she just discovered she has.

It's because of this that she thanks Mickey before she leaves. Because it's his helplessness that helps her realize how fit for a life of thrills she is. While he was cowering, she in turn was thriving in the danger.

Him doing nothing but clinging to her, made her realize that she is capable of doing so much more than what she could do at his side. That she has the potential to save many lives and make a difference in the world.

So she leaves.

She is not angry at him when she does, quite the opposite, it's him being true to himself in a crisis that puts things into perspective.

The next episode makes her confront the reality of the path she has chosen.

He takes her to the end of the world and she realizes that her role is not to stop the inevitable. The Doctor is not someone that is responsible for preventing bad things from occurring, no, he is a witness to them just like she is.

This confession comes with the loaded realization that not every adventure will end happily. That death is not something that can be avoided and that the Doctor is not a hero. This shows her naivety, and through this adventure, she begins to lose some of it.

She freaks out at seeing the "relics" of the human race. All things she is familiar with, yet, it comes with the startling realization that everyone is dead. 

That she is the last of her kind alive.

So she runs.

In spite of it all being such a shock to her, however, she still has the ability to reach out to someone. Finding comfort in talking to an alien by the name of Rufalo, and asking for her name and background. Extending kindness to someone that she doesn't have to, because it in turn brings her happiness. It shows she is someone that cares for others, regardless of what they look like. That at her core, she is kind and considerate.

One of my favorite scenes that perfectly demonstrates this point is an underrated scene where she talks to a plant. She previously observed that one of the aliens that initially greeted her is a tree descendant that gifts her a piece of her grandfather, and she addresses it shyly.

"Hello, my name's Rose, that's a sort of plant. We might be related..I'm talking to a twig."

It's played for laughs but it demonstrates that her ability to want to understand others comes from a place of wanting to relate to them. She talks to the tree with respect and views it as an equal before realizing that it's just that, a twig.

When the Doctor finds her and begins to appease her by making jokes at the expense of the aliens, she once again surprises him with her reaction.

She gets offended.

All on behalf of the deep south aliens that cannot defend themselves in the current moment from his scrutiny, because she is able to humanize them. To see them as people, in spite of the obvious differences they may have.

This suggests that Rose's first instinct when out of her element, is to try to understand and sympathize.

That way of being, is what causes her to turn her questions on him.

Why he is so quick to judge others.

Why he is able to maintain that sense of levity as he sees the world burn.

And why he seems so touchy about his background.

Something that I wish to add, because we have an instance of this happening in this episode, is that her need to understand others might be rooted in the perception others seem to have of her. People tend to diminish her value because of how she looks. In this episode, Jabe, the tree lady presumes that Rose is the doctor's concubine or even a prostitute. This is why she gets offended and tells them both off.

(This happens a lot more than I realized on my first watch, and a lot of people write it off as her being jealous when that's not the case. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t display some jealousy at times, but it genuinely does not occur as often as people claim it does)

This is also why Cassandra gets under her skin so much. Because she presumes that Rose is inferior and looks down on others but that alone is not enough to justify her being killed. She makes that clear when she pleads for the Doctor to save her.

We also get some insight on why her dad's death left such an impact on her. It's brief but while watching the earth melt away, she says this:

"it's gone, we're too busy saving ourselves no one saw it go. All those years, all that history and nobody was even looking."

Even though she didn't know him personally, the fact that he died alone is something that deeply troubles her. To anyone else he was just a man, yet to her and her mother he was a father, someone that was meant to be a part of her life. He should have had someone there, just like how the earth deserved to be remembered in its final moments by those who personally lived in it. To die without anyone you care for acknowledging your importance must be haunting.

The reason why she stays with the Doctor is for the same reason why the tragedy of her father's death deeply affected her, she doesn't want him to be alone. Loneliness can be so terrible. Had it not been for the Doctor being with her, she would have felt overwhelmed by the weight of the world's end. It's having him there that made the pain bearable. She understands this, and so, she takes it upon herself to be the person he has to look his way. To be the hand he has to hold when everything becomes too much.

But the question remains, to what extents is she willing to go to ensure that he will be okay?

Gradually we see Rose become more confident in her ability to command and reason. She no longer hesitates to step in and offer her perspective, all while she continues to extend her kindness to others. This at times, clashes with the Doctor's own priorities but nonetheless his exposure to her has an effect.

It is in the episode Dalek however, where that kindness takes on a new form, a merciful killing. Up until now Rose has been the one to tell the Doctor to give the perpetrators a second chance. To see the good in others even when it's difficult.

But now this creature that has killed many, is changing. It's growing aware, disturbed, and it's all because of her. She stops the doctor from killing it, but now the creature wants to die. It does not want to become like her. It does not want to become so human that it becomes aware of all it's done and how lonely it is.

For the first time, she is made to confront that her kindness might have just condemned someone to a more miserable end. That humanity is not something that every creature strives for, and that at times the kind decision comes with a price.

So she does what it asks, and orders it to die. Saving the Doctor from sullying his hands with more blood but at the price of her own becoming unclean. Are these the depths to which she would go to ensure the Doctor's wellbeing?

The next two episodes explore what happens when Rose underestimates her ability to make mistakes.

She's become more confident, taking along Adam to their next adventure because she believes she has a good judge of character. Plus he’s kind of pretty, so that’s a plus for her lol

She wants to be the impressive one now and share that wonder for the universe with someone else. To see what it looks like from the perspective of a new pair of eyes, because to her it has all become kind of normal.

The price of understanding the Doctor more, is that it comes at the price of her humanity. She will no longer be able to sustain her naivety towards how cruel the world can be. It will become harder to judge when she is viewing things in a rational human way, or through the eyes of someone that has grown desensitized to the chaos.

In retrospect, I don't think it's a coincidence she is wearing red here. She has now witnessed a death at her hands, and she is trying to regain control. To remember what it's like to view the world through the eyes of someone normal like Adam.

With time, she will grow to be a stranger amongst other humans. She will have a harder time relating to others because her understanding of the world far surpasses there’s. 

Oh but Adam is not like her. Because she assumes everyone is well intentioned, she fails to realize that he might hold ulterior motives. When he fails her, she realizes that she is also capable of making a bad call. That the Doctor is holding her to a standard and if she makes a mistake like Adam, she too can be left behind.

Father's day is where we finally see her make a misstep and it's one hell of a problem. Her initial goal was to be there for her father and comfort him in his final moments, but she realizes quickly that seeing it is far more disturbing than she had initially anticipated.

He's her father. Seeing him die once is bad enough, but twice? All while fully aware that she can easily prevent it? It's a temptation that is far too great to pass up. But quickly she realizes her mistake and she can't think rationally, she is far too emotional to reason with.

"but he's alive,"

"my entire planet died, my whole family. Do you think it never occurred to me to go back and save them?"

"but it's not like I've changed history, not much. I mean he's never gonna be a world leader. He's not gonna start world war 3 or anything"

"Rose there's a man alive in the world who wasn't alive before. An ordinary man. That's the most important thing in creation."

She overestimated what she understood about travelling in time. She realizes this, but her pride will not let her stand down. She wrongly uses his loneliness as a means of keeping him there, knowing that he would never actually leave her but alas he does. In doing so, granting her a once in a lifetime chance to get to know her father personally.

With this opportunity comes the realization that her father was not the man her mother told her about. 

Not successful nor heroic, but flawed like any other man.

She finds out that he and Jackie had a strained relationship, nothing like the perfect relationship her mother described. That he had had an affair and that they were not on the best terms when he died. Really, her mother was protecting her from the reality of the situation. All for the sake of giving her a father figure that would not disappoint her, even in death.

But on the flip side, she is also able to know the best parts of him. Now she has a reference of who he was at his best as well. She is able to have him recognize her as his daughter and when he realizes the extent of her mistake, he takes on the responsibility to right her wrong. So that his blood is not on her hands, and so that she will remember him as the proper father he would have been after he’s gone. 

Note that he does this for her, not because she wouldn't have eventually asked it of him, but because he doesn't want the guilt of his second death to be on her.

She apologizes of course, to the Doctor but not before he does the same. It is in this moment, that she realizes how much she means to him and in turn, how much he means to her. 

When viewing this scene, once should keep in mind that the episode draws many parallels between the Doctor and her father. At one point, it states that she considers the Doctor to be the most important man in her life. so when her father comes along, in misplaced anger she asserts that the Doctor did not want her father to live because it would threaten his importance to her.

The reason why I draw attention to this detail is because I believe this is the episode where she realizes she loves the Doctor romantically. 

When her father touches her face as he recognises her as his daughter, she nestles into it like a little kid seeking comfort from a parent. Now that she knows what it feels like to have a proper father, she has a better understanding of what that kind of love feels like. 

So when the Doctor does the same thing, she stares deeply into his eyes as if just realizing what he means to her. Her reaction to him is almost shy and stiff, very unlike her usual temperament.

I think this is the moment she realizes her feelings for the Doctor are not that of her trying to fill a void her father left, but of a different origin entirely. The reason I say this is because these two scenes, mirror each other down to the camera angle. With both shots, focusing on her reaction to the touch.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that earlier in the episode, she gets mad when her father assumes the Doctor is her boyfriend. She even expresses confusion on why people think they’re together, which wouldn’t really make much sense if she had felt romantic attraction to him prior to this moment.

This isn't to say that she purposefully projected such an image onto the Doctor, not at all. But I think it's this experience that finally gives a name to what she was feeling for him all along. Something that started off as platonic but eventually morphed into romantic love.

(I can’t believe that I just claimed Rose might have daddy issues but here it is. On the bright side though, this goes to prove that the Doctor fell for her first so do as you wish with that assertion lol)

Then Jack appears and finally, their attraction for one another becomes obvious to everyone but one another lol. This is where the whole dancing scene happens and I think you all know what they meant lol I don't have to make an in depth analysis about it. 

(But how curious that she suddenly starts being more blatant with her flirting, after Father’s Day? Just sayinnng)

I must stress now, because this will become critical later on, that Rose is naturally very flirty and touchy. She's like that with most people it seems, but she never really means anything by it. When Jack appears, she finds him attractive but when he starts getting too close she begins to feel uncomfortable. 

She even stops his advances at one point. She likes being liked, even plays into it, but she never acts on her attraction. It's a flaw of hers in the same way the 10th doctor likes being chased by beautiful women, but she's never unfaithful.

Okay so I'm going to say something really radical here, but Boomtown is when Rose and Mickey breakup. For good. Personally, I am not of the belief that they were together in season 2.

The reason why I say this is because the moment Mickey and Rose are left alone, all she can do is recount stories about the Doctor and how great their adventures are. It is here where we see what was pointed out to us previously: that she would eventually outgrow the outlook of those around her. She is no longer the Rose he knew, or fell for. She has grown more confident, happier, and can no longer relate to him. 

In other words, she has outgrown him.

It’s here where Mickey tells her that he is seeing someone else. 

Rose does become a little jealous here, making a comment about the girl's weight, but she quickly realizes it's not appropriate and takes it back. Instead, commenting that she's a nice girl. 

Now remember how I mentioned that at the core of their romantic relationship was a friendship, we see that here more than ever.

When he suggests they find a hotel, she reminds him that he has someone and then questions why he is even with Trisha if she’s not the girl he usually goes for. (They grew up together, so it makes sense why she would know what his type is). This doesn't seem as if she's asking because she's jealous but because she's confused on why he's settling for someone. 

She is concerned for his wellbeing.

To which he admits he is and that he can't move on because he is still in love with her. When he asks if he wants him to wait for her, she can't answer. Not because she is unsure of her answer, but because she knows what it is. Her heart is no longer his.

Her running at the sound of trouble and refusing to answer is the answer. It will never be him. She cannot promise him something that just isn't what she feels anymore. Him yelling that “of course it will always be the Doctor”, is him confirming it. That what they had, has ended. 

This is the moment they break up. Her seeking him out afterwards is not her trying to mend the romantic relationship they had, but the friendship.

But it is too late.

When she returns after the Slitheen crisis ends, he is no longer there. He will not wait for her anymore and when asked about his whereabouts, she concedes that he will not join them when they leave because he deserves better.

This is her acknowledging that she did wrong in having him wait. She cries because it ended in such a heartbreaking way, but not because it is no more.

She realizes she hurt him, and this guilt follow her into season 2.

The reason why I am so confident on this is because they’re never really all that affectionate after this. Yes they hold hands and hug, but that’s something she did with the Doctor long before they were together. They never share a kiss, and the only one that ever refers to their relationship as something more, is the Doctor.

(Who I must add, has his own motivations for doing so. Mainly out of jealousy, and because it creates a barrier between the Doctor and Rose's relationship. I swear, you can't trust these people lol)

That's why her attachment to him never really presents itself as an issue later. Weeell not until the Doctor inserts him as a means of putting a wedge between the two of them. But I am getting ahead of myself here.

Skipping to the final episode, Rose is tricked into leaving the Doctor and she is left to confront what life without him is like.

This is the girl who, at the thought of her father dying alone, almost broke the universe to grant him some companionship in his final moments. 

He is dying out there, somewhere she can't reach.

And in the meantime, she waits helplessly as the man she loves is trapped in the future, unable to do anything but mourn him.

For the first time, we are confronted with a version of Rose that is devoid of any hope. A sight so unfamiliar to both Mickey and Jackie, that they don’t know what to do or say to make it better. 

That does not stop them from trying, however.

It's here that Jackie is able to admit that she admires him for doing what he did. This confession is a big deal because it highlights the beginning of a major change in perspective for her. 

The reason why Jackie and the Doctor’s relationship is so strained to begin with, is because she feared that he would be the catalyst to Rose’s eventual departure. She projected her insecurities onto him, often portraying him as the type to endanger her daughter on purpose and the reason why her life was such chaos. Yet, in this moment she concedes that she was wrong, that the Doctor is more noble than she had initially given him credit for. 

He's not selfish like she initially presumed, but selfless; choosing to prioritize her safety, over his own loneliness.

When Rose questions what she is expected to do now, Mickey is offended. He cannot understand the extent of her feelings, so he resorts to the defensive. Claiming that she must a sense of superiority if she thinks she is not capable of assuming a normal life like anyone else. But just as was shown before, both him and Jackie are very flawed people. They have their agendas and so they impose what they think is best onto her, without considering their own biases.  

Because they care, they assume rather than listen ... but she's no longer the same Rose.

She is different. 

No longer naive and no longer fit to live a life that doesn't have him in it. Not solely out of love, but because she felt she was at her best there.

"it was a better life, I don't mean all the traveling and... Seeing aliens and spaceships and things, that don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life."

She criticizes Mickey for assuming the worst of her in that moment, as he has seen first hand the change she went through. That's why they broke up after all, because that change made her harder to hold onto.

With that change however, is the realization that living a normal life would mean to throw away all the growth she went through. 

To abandon her new sense of purpose, and lose that part of herself that refused to give up. The side of her that held onto hope, in spite of all odds being against her.

And finally, to give up would mean to lose the Doctor: the man that believed in her and never stopped.

When she says there's nothing left for her there, on earth, she means it. She would rather die than live a life without him in it. 

She's an emotional wreck at the thought of losing him but other than it just being a statement said in the heat of the moment, I find that she might also have a point.

Sure it's harsh, I won't deny it but really other than her mother, what is there to keep her there? 

Everyone, even ordinary people, leave home eventually. That is just reality. Her mother is there, yes, but one day she will die. Rose will be all that’s left, because not even Mickey will measure up to the Doctor and it is unfair to expect him to fill his place. 

She will be expected to live a life where not even one person understands her and in the process, forget the part of herself that she grew to love.

What they're asking of her is to give up on the part of the world that she has made her own. To hide the spark that made her into who she is, because that's how much the experience has become a part of her identity as a person.

It's selfish, but doesn't that apply to everyone? Who's happiness has not come at the expense of other people? By asking her to give up her life with the Doctor, are they not doing the same to her?

The reason why knowing that she met her father seemingly changes Jackie's mind is because the revelation is a confirmation that Rose has grown up. Her distress is not out of a naive love that Rose holds towards the Doctor, no, she is aware of the implications of what she is saying.

The reason why Jackie never told her the truth about her father is because at the time, she was a little girl who could not understand that her dad was not a perfect man. She meant to protect her innocence, even if it came at the expense of the truth.

But she realizes then, that she is not that little girl anymore. That before her stands a young woman, who no longer needs her protection. One who has accomplished impossible feats on her own merit, and grew not because of her, but in spite of her.

So when Rose tells her that she has found her place in the world, she means it.

Not to mention, the Doctor was able to give her a sense of comfort that not even she could give her. Granting her a sense of closure and thus cementing just how incredible of a life she is leaving behind. 

Jackie’s own fear of abandonment, is not enough to blind her to how important of a task this is to Rose.

This is why they help her in spite of it potentially meaning her death. Because to ask her to leave it all behind without trying, would be the equivalent of killing her. The version of herself that was forged from the experiences aboard the Tardis.

Season 2 is effectively what occurs when the reality of falling for a man indebted to the universe, starts to settle in.

His regeneration makes her confront the fact that he is unlike any human man. That the rules that define human relationships, will not apply to their own. With that in mind, she seemingly loses her footing amidst the chaotic revelation. 

She struggles to take control of the alien invasion, not because she doesn't know how, but because everything she knew to be true has changed. The foundation of all she stood for, has been broken and she has no idea what her place in all of it is.

When she realizes that he is still him, her acceptance comes with the acknowledgment that their circumstances have changed. That she will have to accept those alien aspects of himself, and redefine her prior assertions of what a life with him would mean in the long run. Because now more than ever, the love between the two of them is stronger than ever. But neither is willing to sacrifice the greater good for it.

Something I need people to understand is that the reason why their relationship doesn't become anything more than a friendship, until Tentoo, is because both are aware that his duty is something he can't abandon. It's a conscious decision on both their parts, not just on Tens.

We see this time and time again when Ten is made to confront the possibility of her death. She is not immune to the misfortune of the world and she knows this. But just because she's aware of this, doesn't mean that she lets it stunt the enjoyment of her life.

This is where their perspectives drastically differ. On one hand you have ten who recognizes that he is not human. The world is cruel and to give in to his love for her would mean losing her eventually. This is why after he is confronted with Sarah Jane, he can't bring himself to describe why she is different. 

Why she is his exception.

So he brings along Mickey to act as a buffer. This is why Rose seemingly disagrees with his idea to bring him along. Her and Mickey are just friends. He still has feelings for Rose, she knows, and to involve him is to give him the impression that he still has a chance. Again, it's not out of jealousy. If it were, she wouldn’t have been so keen on bringing along Sarah Jane Smith after this adventure or Mickey in season 1.

At the price of his comfort, he cruelly doesn’t consider Mickey’s perspective. 

She makes this clear later on when he asks why he was tempted to explore Pete’s world.

“Mickey’s mum just couldn’t cope. His dad hung around for a while, but then just sort of wandered off.He was brought up by his gran. She was such a great woman. God, she used to slap him! But then she died. She tripped and fell down the stairs. It’s about five years ago now. I was still in school.”

“I never knew”

“Well, you never asked.”

“You never said.”

It is his inability, ironically, to not think beyond his best interests that has a tendency to hurt those around him.

The funny thing is, the episode where she is supposed to act jealous and petty is actually the episode where we explore why Rose is such a great match for the Doctor. Because even though Madame de Pompadour belittles her importance to the Doctor and seems to be the main focus of his affectons, Rose still does what she can to save her.

This is who she is. 

Yes, she can be emotional at times but when it really matters, she can put those feelings aside to do what is right. This is something that we see develop in her since season 1. It shows that she is aware of the duty the Doctor has to protect time itself, and it's here that we see her take an active part in it herself.

When Mickey taunts her out of jealousy of their relationship, asserting that the Doctor's intentions are not as pure as she thinks they are, she is quick to defend him. Because she understands that he is not someone that intentionally hurts others. No, he is flawed and his duties are too important to be held to a human standard.

That isn't to say that she is immune to falling victim to the same dark assumptions.

(We see this plainly in the prior episode too, where Mickey's taunts begin to get to her and she assumes the Doctor doesn't value his companions)

It hurts her. You can see that, in the way that she stares longingly into the distance. Coming to terms with the implication of having been left behind, and her role in his life. She will never be his priority. Not when he is the only one left, to ensure that the world won’t plummet in the absence of his own people. 

It is this reasoning that allows her to look beyond herself and reach out to him when he is grieving the loss of Reinette. To ask him if he’s alright, even if its at the cost of her own feelings.

“I’m always alright.”

It is here that she realizes how much he is holding back. How much the constant death is weighing over him. And so, she gives him the space he needs in the meantime. Displaying that strength she has, at the cost of seeing the Doctor at his weakest.

I think this is why in the next episode, when they are trapped in an alternate universe, Ten is seemingly afraid that he might lose her. I mean, to an extent that seems almost overblown but, it makes sense if one infers it's because of how he acted in the prior episode.

 Not only because he seemingly put a wedge between the two of them, but also because more than ever she is aware that his duty is to the universe and not to her. He realizes the extent to which he has taken her love and loyalty for granted. 

How more than ever she is aware that whatever is between the two of them, will never be.

(Personally I see this as his punishment for being so careless in his actions in the prior episodes. Till this day, I still can't watch that episode without feeling so bad for Rose)

His fear is a reflection of his own insecurity: that alien side of him that is incapable of understanding why Rose would choose him above all else.

Rose is not one that would ever hold it against him, however. For the sake of blaming himself, he underestimates the depths of her awareness to the situation they're both in.

She loves him unconditionally. She doesn't expect him to drop his duty. No, more than ever she is aware of the toll it takes on him, from a second hand perspective. 

This is why in Doomsday when Jackie criticizes her for becoming too alien, and for not settling down, she stresses that she will never have a normal life because the Doctor never will. It was never the traveling that made her stay, it was him. The thought of him facing the world alone, to revert back into a miserable version of himself because he has no one to ground him, is a reality she can't live with.

(not to mention, her becoming too desensitized to the life she lives is a problem that can be traced back to season 1 as well. Showing that this is very much a real thing that can happen if she doesn't maintain something that grounds her to the human world)

So she takes it upon herself to be there for him when he hasn't asked. This is incredibly selfless and consistent to her character since season 1.

So when she seeks out Pete, she's not really doing it with the intention of staying. She's curious to see who her father is in a universe where he seemingly lives. Because to her, he is her father regardless of whether or not the body he is in is the original. This universe's versions of the people in her life does not make them any less valid simply because they're slightly different, at the core of them is the people she loves. 

In every universe is a version of the person she loves that when prompted, will save her. This is seen in how it's seemingly these two versions of her parents that do something to help her even at their own expense. With this Pete, being the one to save her before she gets sucked into the void and this Jackie, being the one to save them both from an immediate conversion

(Hint hint, this is the attitude that prompts her to accept Tentoo and it's also a big part of her journey in the Rose Tyler dimension cannon audios.)

This is also the episode where her friendship with Mickey essentially ends for the time being. Seeing how much the Doctor and Rose have grown to love one another gives him the courage to leave. To find that part of the world that is his, even if it means putting a pause on his friendship with Rose. It hurts her to see him go, goes to show you how close they are, but Rose understands that this is something he has to do. That he, just like she did with the Doctor, has to put himself first.

This is why in their final moments together they don't kiss. It parallels her first departure, but without the affirmation that they're going to continue their romantic relationship.

In the kiss they do share earlier, it is one sided.  Initiated by Mickey and one that Rose doesn't seem responsive to, doesn't even close her eyes. It comes unnaturally to the two of them, as if to show how their relationship has changed.

Rose does not share the same outlook that the Doctor does. It's because of this, that their perspectives have a tendency to clash when they're in danger. 

She doesn’t let the moments they have together be weighed down by the knowledge that their time together is limited. No, it is that knowledge that helps her be more outright with her affections towards him. Carrying the strength and hope they both need to continue finding the joy in living in the present. 

We see this presented explicitly, when they realize they're stuck on Krop Tor.

"Can you build another Tardis?

"They were grown, not built. And with my whole planet gone, we're kind of stuck."

"Well it could be worse. This lot said they'd give us a lift."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Find a planet. Get a job. You live a life same as the rest of the universe.

The Doctor can't handle the thought of Rose dying. You see this, in the manner that he is so quick to give up hope once he has accepted their potential doom. 

It goes to show that the strength and peppy attitude he has, is nothing more than a mask. That deep inside, he is afraid and struggling to hold it back.

This is where we seemingly see how he really is, how he really feels. 

How hesitant he is at accepting that there's a way out. 

How quickly he reverts back to cynicism when he isn't reminded that there's still something to fight for.

Rose understands this. 

It's because of this, that she resorts to humor. Telling him about the potential outcomes of their current situation, that won't end in death. That even as they wait for their inevitable end, they can still enjoy their final moments together.

It's in that moment, where they're both vulnerable that she admits she sees herself sharing a life with him. Something that seemingly stuns him back to the present, and causes him to put his walls up.

This must be terrifying to him. 

To have someone understand him so well, that he is caught off guard by how quickly she is able to bypass any prior barriers.

"I promised Jackie I would always take you back home"

"Everyone leaves home in the end"

"Not to end up stuck here."

"Yeah but stuck with you, that's not so bad."

"Yeah?"

"Yes"

It's her ability to not take his reluctance to voice his feelings personally, that causes him to smile. Because it's the moment he realizes that she sees him for who he is, and understands.

It's her capability to see what he means to say that prompts her to kiss his helmet right before he goes. It is what gives them the strength to watch one another as he drops below the surface with Ida.

In other words, it is what gives her the confidence to reaffirm what he means to her even if he can't express it back.

"Oh she knows"

That is why he doesn't see the need to voice how much he loves her right before he drops to the unknown. In a leap of faith, he realizes that really the only belief he really holds is in Rose Tyler. That he will have another opportunity to voice his feelings, away from imminent death.

Rose also devotes all her belief in him, and willingly shoots at the glass in an attempt to survive for his sake.

Beyond all reason, it's this complete devotion to one another that causes them to overcome the challenges that stand in their way. It is what motivates them to assume that the other is alive, even when the odds are against them.

It's this faith, that gives them the strength to continue living once they're separated…only to then reunite in season 4.

(Where another parallel can be found, in how they both seemingly always end up running towards one another. They both hold on to the one person they know will never fail them.)

"Love and Monsters" demonstrates the extent of Jackie's loneliness. She is a single mother who fills the void her husband left with casual relationships. Her daughter is the only real constant part of her life and the fact that she was "left behind" by her Pete is what causes her to harden and see the world very critically. 

It explains why she had such a hard time understanding Rose and her manner of thinking, because it goes against what she craves: security.

This is why she struggled to let her go, but now the Doctor is essentially her family too, and so her loyalty extends to him too. The Tylers are exceptionally loyal, they love unashamedly and they lend a hand to anyone who needs it: Mickey and the Doctor. They may clash often, but that loyalty is what allows them to hold on to one another in spite of their flaws as people. 

They're the ultimate ride or dies.

Jackie and Rose are very alike in this way, this is why they often fight. Their love for the people in their lives is so intense, that they have trouble separating that love from their decisions. It is what gives them the strength to stay by the side of their loved ones, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.

But something that I think people overblow is the reason why Jackie tells her that she's becoming someone unlike herself.

The reason why Rose's life was able to be relatively stable, unlike some companions who came after her, is because she makes an effort to maintain both her human life and her life in the stars. They're intricately intertwined, much like how Donna is also able to maintain her foundation in spite of the memory loss.

The Doctor really isn't her whole life if you think about it. She is not being forced to stay by his side and she does take the time to spend time with family outside of their adventure. 

She chooses to concentrate on their relationship but she has the choice to divide time for others as well.

There is another aspect of her, that I feel like too many people might misunderstand.

She doesn't think of herself as the Doctor's replacement. Her role by his side does not conflate her self importance, she is more than aware that ultimately she is not him. That she, is not granted the same liberties that he has to put her life on the line. 

She knows she is not the Doctor. And she, is comfortable with embracing her role as his companion. She wishes to share his responsibility, not take it over.

This is why she is able to maintain this human aspect of herself for so long. She's still compassionate and understanding, because the tough call is not on her hands most of the time. If it was, she would have gradually lost that part of herself in season 1. But nonetheless it becomes a possible outcome if she's not careful, just like her mother warned.

When she is clinging for her life in Doomsday, something I don't see enough people point out is how truly selfless Rose was at this moment to let go of her hold, for the good of humanity. She reaches for the lever, knowing that there is a good chance she will die, this is why she takes the time to look at him while she desperately holds on.

She wants the last person she sees to be the man she loves; to find the courage to do what is right at the cost of her own life. It was not done out of recklessness.

This is why they are perfect for one another. Because they both understand that they are not the center of the universe, that ultimately, the duty they now share comes first.

This is explored further in the Dimension Cannon audios, that gives context to the development she goes through that leads to her reappearance in season 4.

Her reasons for using the dimension cannon are more complex than they appear at first glance. Her sole reason for finding him is not only because of the love she feels for him, but because she also has to put a stop to the mass destruction of every universe. 

I see way too many people use her reasoning for coming back as evidence that she has this weird obsession with the Doctor, and that's just not true. 

She seeks him out because she has to. 

If she gets to stay with him afterwards, that's just a plus.

(from here on out, I will give out some direct spoilers on said audios to provide more context to the development we see in show. Skip to after the 2nd row of asterisks if you don’t wish to be spoiled)

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It is in the realm of the audios, that Rose is entrusted to travel to parallel worlds without the prior knowledge of knowing where she will end up. Every universe is doomed, and she has to find allies in the parallel versions of the people she loves to pick up on details required to find her original world.

There is no such thing as a parallel Doctor. So she must figure out a way to get back to him and warn him, without his help.

Now I must stress, these audios get dark really fast. 

They do not hold back on showing just how awful this duty is, and how it comes at the expense of her humanity and moral code.

At times, she has to manipulate these parallel versions of her friends and family into helping her. To use them, up until she is forced to leave and in doing so, condemning them to a long and painful death.

 Over and over again. 

Imagine what that does to a person? 

To see the people you love, realize that you can't save them. To leave them behind, while hearing them plead for their lives to be saved.

She takes this duty on, under the pretense that her familiarity with the Doctor makes her the most ideal candidate for the job. She embarks on her first trip, thinking that this might be the closest thing she has to being on another adventure and that in the process, she could save some worlds in his absence.

But it's in fulfilling the role as the universe's protector that she realizes just what she signed up for. She becomes the Doctor's replacement, in the same way Jack Harkness takes on Torchwood and partakes in the duty to protect the earth. 

Yet what makes her different from those two, is that she is mortal. She doesn't have the tools they have at her disposal nor the wisdom that they have gained over the span of their extended lives.

No, she can die.

She cannot save anyone.

And there truly is nothing to guarantee that she will succeed. 

We see her struggle to maintain her distance, to not promise a way out to the people she encounters because there is none. She is no hero, she is their angel of death.

In an act of defiance to the death that will follow her, on her first trip, she saves an alternate version of Clive and takes him under her wing. Only to come to the realization that one life is not enough to make up for all the millions that died under her watch.

It is because of this that she opts to not embark on said missions alone anymore. Instead, she takes her own Pete, Jackie, and Clive only to find that they too struggle to maintain their distance. If not for them, then who will ground her?

It's in one of these solo missions, that she crumbles under the weight of the responsibility that she adopted. 

In a twist of fate, she is imprisoned inside a red phone box. Trapped inside with no means of escaping, and no real guarantee that she will find a means of leaving before the world goes to shit.

It is in this moment, where she is left to wallow in her situation, that we see her break down. She admits this to her mother, who can hear her through the intercom.

"I can't"

"Rose you're scaring me, just get out. Find a way"

"I'm locked inside a police box."

"What? A Tardis?"

"No Mum, a real one. A red one, all musty on the inside."

"Well you gotta get out."

“I know.”

I'll skip ahead, but I felt this was necessary to include to show how dire the situation is.

"I'm sorry.”

“Rose?”

 “It’s the same mom. Same doors, same noise, same light through the windows-I think they’re a bit smaller. If I half close my eyes, i’m there..but it’s not, i’m not. I’m not him. I’m not a time lord. No psychic paper. No sonic, No centuries of knowledge. Only one heart..”

“Sweetheart, I know it hurts but you gotta get it together.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, pick a lock or something?”

“How did he do it?”

“Sheer cheek, most of the time”

“He lit up every room he was in, they always listen to him! He walked through hell like it was a walk in the park.”

Because now she realizes how important it was for him to remain strong, to smile in the face of danger. Before it was easy to assume that she understood everything there was about how he looked at the world. The size of the burden, and what it meant to share it.

But now she’s in his shoes and the truth is starting to settle in. Jackie says this in response, as a means of putting things into perspective for Rose.

“If the universe needs the Doctor, then the universe needs Rose Tyler to find the Doctor. I’m so proud of you but you need to stay alive. One heart. One life, you got that?”

Rose never sought to replace him, we see that here in the manner that she can't handle being in his shoes. She is starting to develop that very same cynicism that he once had and is beginning to feel a sense of inferiority.

This is why she needs someone with her, much like how the Doctor needs a companion. This is a duty that he has to share with someone, not alone.

Jackie believes in her strength, because she knows that she has it in her to prevail. Rose and the Doctor are not the same, but nonetheless she is now the closest thing he has to an equal. And she has to learn to handle this new responsibility through her own means, not by what the Doctor believes is right.

(This is as far as I will share because there's still one audio left in the series and it has yet to come out, so I will hold on to my final conclusions until then. In the meantime though, I urge you all to check them out. They are absolutely worth it!)

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But with this in mind, the hardened version of Rose we see in season 4 makes more sense. It's why the thought of having an alternate Donna die doesn't really dissuade her into using her, and why she is so unlike the Rose Tyler we knew. 

She has matured.

This is reflected in her clothing: the overly practical nature of her outfit and her leather jacket. It purposefully parallels the outfit her first Doctor wore at his lowest point. The version of himself that was overwhelmed by the responsibility he held to uphold what his people once did.

I believe it's this new understanding of his perspective that stops her from putting a name to the nature of their relationship to Donna. She assumes they're together, but Rose neither agrees nor denies her assumption. 

Because she can't make that decision on his behalf, not when he has so much at stake.

It is this new attitude that also seemingly makes her more distant. Less forgiving towards the Dalek threat and less inclined for a peaceful confrontation because she understands that sacrifices must be made for the greater good. It's why she serves as his support system throughout all the chaos, she knows now how overwhelming it is.

Yet that part of her that seeks to comfort those she loves is still there. We see this in the way that when the Doctor is struck, she does not waste time wallowing in all that she has done to get to him. No, she puts aside her feelings and tells him how much she missed him. Tells him she's been busy, as a means of not burdening him with all that she has done to get to him.

(Just as an additional tidbit, I don't know why people use these small bouts of jealousy she briefly displays in the first half of this two parter to justify why they believe Rose wouldn't get along with other companions. She canonically does lol She even compliments Martha and is seen to be on good terms with both Donna and Sarah Jane? Her initial jealousy stemmed from disappointment in being left out. It's not enough to warrant the impression that she is a jealous person all the time.)

With all this in mind, it also offers an additional reason as to why she ultimately ends up choosing Tentoo.

Her final decision is not done on a whim, no, it's her being exposed to the constant dread of a life in his shoes, that puts things into perspective.

She cannot continue chasing after him.

When she is returned to that beach, she comes to the realization that the Doctor is going to decide what is best for her, again. 

In the time they have spent apart, he hasn't changed his outlook on his prior decision. He is still firm in his belief that she is better off living without him (the timelord version), so much so that he does not ask for her input.

It's because of this that she decides to not back down. To not let him think that he can get away with deciding on her behalf because she's not the same woman she was all those years ago. 

Given that it's her life, it is she who needs to make the final call.

Notice that what she asks, when deciding what path to choose, is for clarification on what he meant to say on their initial separation.

The reason why this is important is because the man she knew, would never say it out loud. Only the one capable of changing and giving into that love, would ever do such a thing.

And that version of him is Tentoo.

He is human, but most importantly, his duty to the universe is the same as her own. Indirect. The original Time lord self can continue handling things in his absence so he's got nothing stopping him from enjoying a life by her side. One that can either be mundane or filled with adventure, but it will be spent with one another.

The choice was obvious.

(Notice that this is not the first time she is asked to make this choice. The first time being with Mickey, where she seemingly chooses the life of thrills over her relationship with him, over love. Now that she knows what both paths entail, this time she prioritizes love and chooses Tentoo. 

With the growth she underwent throughout her seasons, she realizes that it's not the adventure she wants, it's the Doctor. This is her, finally making the decision that fits this version of herself that understands that love is what she needs)

But it's with this in mind that she questions what the fate of the time lord Doctor would be if she stays. That is why she says "it's still not right, the Doctor is still you."

Because she personally knows what his role entails. She was barely able to handle it on her own with the help of her family, who is to say that he won't crash and burn when he is alone?

The Doctor is not only his name, but his promise to strive for the greater good. In other words, the role he plays for the universe. She doesn't mean that they're not the same man. No, she means to point out that the price of her happiness will come at his expense. 

That the time lord version, no matter what she chooses, will forever be tied to the responsibility of handling the universe.

"And I am him"

With this, Ten assures her that he too, in a way, will get his happy ending. Because by choosing Tentoo, he guarantees that this version of himself, his tenth incarnation, will not suffer the same fate that he will. A new man will not walk away in his shoes, no, this version of himself will spend the rest of his life loving the woman that he was made to love. To have the one adventure he can never have.

It does not come without pain of course. That is why he can’t bare to see the two together, and turns his back on them. Realizing then and there, that there is no longer a place in the life she will live from here on out.

When she kisses Tentoo, it is both a way of imparting that final sense of gratitude to the time lord version of himself (who allowed for this to happen), and it is also to signify the beginning of a new life she will spend with Tentoo. 

Tentoo is the Doctor, he harbors those same desires that the time lord version of himself has. He is human, which grants him the freedom to choose what path he wants and that path is none other than hers.

It would make absolutely no sense to have her resent him or even believe he isn't the Doctor. 

This is the girl who was able to love multiple versions of her father and mother. That through her solo adventures was reminded that at the core of individuals, are traits that remain regardless of their circumstances.

Why would she not love him too?

A detail I love is that when she hears the Tardis dematerialize, her first instinct is to stop and see it go. 

She is not running to stop him, that much is obvious, because she stops long before she even reaches it.

No, she just stands there and looks at it. 

Just like she would have done had she had the chance to see the earth go on her first trip. This is her goodbye, her affirming that he will be remembered and his importance in her life.

That is why Tentoo joins her, silently taking her hand as if to assure her that he is still there.That he understands that this, is her way of saying goodbye to his other self. But don’t fret, it won’t be long before they too will have their own adventures amongst the stars.

That being said, God forbid he finds out that Jackie joined her on her dimension cannon adventures, he would freak lmao

[geebeeskoos]

So, speaking about Miles Edgeworth and his relationship with elevators.

The commonplace headcanon that I've seen, I think, pretty much everywhere, is that he avoids using them altogether unless he absolutely has to.

Now, I should state it right in the beginning before I say anything else that I have nothing against that interpretation! It makes sense! I know that quite a lot of people with PTSD avoid what triggers them. Hell, I'm one of them, and there are things related to trauma that I avoid doing entirely as well to this day.

However. I do think, that it might be more complicated that that.

Edgeworth is prideful. Hates being vulnerable. Strives to be perfect, strong in everything. And on top of that, his emotional intelligence is not that high and he tends to bottle up emotions as much as it is humanly possible. So... Maybe you can guess where I'm going with that.

Personally, I think that although he would feel quite uncomfortable about using elevators, he would ride them anyway and try his best to ignore the anxiety and intrusive memories and distract himself with anything he could think of. Or perhaps, he notices things like his breath being shallow and having brain fog only minutes after leaving the elevator. My guess is that it's a paper crane story all over again for Edgeworth — he really can't admit that it's something that causes significant distress. What is he, a child? He can't afford to be so pathetic. He sees it as a weakness that he needs to overcome. And so, it could become the opposite problem. I can totally see him taking the elevator when he really shouldn't: in really bad, critical moments. And thus he would end up hurting himself even more and making things even worse.

I could also add that it can be more nuanced than just riding an elevator. Triggers can be very finicky and specific. Maybe it's only a problem for him when there are other people in the elevator. Maybe it's only bad if it's an old elevator. Maybe Edgeworth doesn't get distressed at all in ones that are made of glass. Hey, it's even possible that the only elevator he really wants to avoid for the rest of his life is the one in the courthouse and all the others are not nearly as bad.

But most importantly. We should keep in mind that Edgeworth's story arc is also about healing among other great things. So all I've said is mostly about the trilogy era, I personally would like to think that in later games it's less of a problem for him.

Maybe, just maybe, one day all that would take for him to enter the elevator is just taking a deep breath. And then he would leave and feel... alright.

[themonotonysyndrome]

Sorry for the length of this, but you got me thinking! I feel like I should have started keeping an eye out on Erik not planning a lot of major plot points when he introduced Xavier right before the games, gave us no time to get to know him, then killed him and had characters (even Freelancer) react in a way like they were bffs with him like what in the Star Trek redshirt was that? But Inversion was so good otherwise to me that I ignored that.

I feel like I really should have taken more notice when Milo recovered from his Inversion injury after two videos (but Erik had personal reasons for that so I went sure). Then, after all this lore talk of how much bloodlust new vampires have and how much they struggle, we didn't see any of that with Lovely, but we were still not to far off from Inversion so I ignored it again lol.

There's some personal preference stuff where I get confused at his lack of consistent framing when it comes to consent where Alexis is the bitch and is more or less a villain (with little nuance so far in canon) for ignoring Sam's consent. But Cutie (with how Erik says they and Geordi aren't broken up) is framed as being able to work towards forgiveness despite years of ignoring Geordi's consent even after he cried about it to them.

I'm on the fence about his 'I intended Imperium season 2 to be the end' because I don't think it's the worst place to stop, but I do think that there's some more story to tell and if the views were a lot better then he probably wouldn't have stopped (only guessing here)?

I think what made me finally stop and wonder 'does he plan?' was how Quinn's capture (after all that build up) happened off-screen and only had Darlin' punch him while he was tied up. I thought the Summit was fine in a very Clue way, but watching the Vega video today had me go '...oh okay' which I don't mind deaths, but that shouldn't be a reaction to that lol.

I feel like I want to give one more of his big plotlines a chance and hope he's planned that one, but idk. The guy capable of making Inversion has to be able to do something even sort of to that level again hopefully??

Don't apologise, Anon! I love reading your thoughts.

Xavier was the beginning. Yes, I was also emotionally devastated; it added stakes to the Inversion, but a part of me always wondered if killing off a character was the only way Erik could add impact to the Inversion? Because no matter how good the angst is, if you introduce a character, make them have ties with one of the main cast and later kill them just to add depth to the main cast, it feels very cheap.

Maybe this is me being salty, but making Milo unable to Shift for at least a few more videos before his Core is healed enough would've been better. The anxiety of not knowing if he became truly magicless and the trauma that would bring would be a better alternative to Xavier's death. I feel like Erik is so damn afraid to do anything bad to his cash cows nowadays. That aftermath from the Summit? The talk that David had with Angel or whatever? That was honest to go foreplay. Yes, the Shaw Pack was affected by William's plan; they saw a murder happening right in front of them, boo hoo... boo hoo. The Summit is absolutely nothing when compared to the Inversion, where hello? Actual and thousands of deaths occurred!?

That thing with Lovely, and how well and quickly did they transition into the Vampiric lifestyle? Lame. Boring. Where's the struggle? Oh right, the fandom scared Erik badly enough to scrap Bright Eyes.

Also, I get that Erik's movie is Clue, and he was trying to do the same for the Summit, but it just turned into, 'Great idea, bad execution' kind of video. Meh.

That Alexis and Cutie parallels... I never noticed that before, Anon! Huh! You have a good eye when it comes to details. Listen, I love Alexis. I love Cutie. I love deeply flawed characters, and I also love deeply flawed characters that either own up to it or revel in their shittiness. I just want Cutie and Geordi to break up already so Cutie can find someone on their level, and Geordi can find someone with enough patience to deal with him and his baggage. Though both of them need to work on their own stuff first, tbh. Cutie is not blameless, and neither is Geordi.

Will we get an Imperium Season 2, though, Anon? I already don't have faith in Erik's story writing so I'm not looking forward to he'll fucked up another series.

Ah! So Quinn's Ending was your tipping point, Anon. I hate Sam and Darling but even I believe they deserve better. Though I giggled when Darling beat up a tied-up Quinn as a way to get their revenge. Oooo, so badass! What a strong Listener! You feel empowered at that moment, Anon? I feel like I was ridiculed after everything, IMO.

Vega's death was a slap in the face to me because of the utter disrespect. You built this character up to be ancient, manipulative, powerful, only for him to moan and die? Wow! I wondered if he actually hated Vega! This might be a gambit, and Vega might be faking his death, or this is some part of his plan, but I don't care anymore. At least give him a proper end, ya know? Again, same with Quinn's situation. I FEEL RIDICULOUS FOR EVER INVESTED IN THE SERIES.

I'm not morbidly curious to see how he's gonna fuck up Project Meridian. I don't doubt that Erik can create a new series that starts off fantastically, only for it to end like a wet fart. Let's hope Inversion isn't his one-hit-wonder, eh?

[fillingthescrapbook]

Let's Talk About: Minx and the need for more episodes per season.

Before we begin, I want to say: I need a third season of this show. A longer one that the second season's eight-episode order. Hollywood needs a reminder that filler episodes didn't mean nothing happens in the show. Filler episodes were necessary because, while the main plot is spinning wheels, we're getting character growth and relationship developments. And that was one of the things missing in this season of Minx.

Now, I don't remember the reason I started watching Minx. The trailer was intriguing enough that I decided to give it a try. I quickly fell in love with the iridescent Idara Victor, Jessica Lowe, and Oscar Montoya--and even though I don't remember a lot of the nitty gritty of what happened in Season 1, I remember rooting for the three--and Lennon Parham's Shelly, by the end of it and wanting to know what happens next.

The cast of this show is spectacular. The writing though... The writing was serviceable. It's not until this second season that I'm coming out as a fan of the show writers.

While the first season was mostly a hero journey for main character Joyce Prigger (the outstanding Ophelia Lovibond), the second season had a more nuanced arc in how it tackles success. Yes: success. Instead of throwing another wrench into the world of Minx, the writers decided to zag and let the characters be celebrated. And in that celebration, they were able to uncover a bigger issue: the politics of gender equality.

In season two, the show adds a new character: Constance is a billionaire who supports the arts, feminism, and is pushing the characters into reaching the zenith of their dreams. The only one who is a little put-down by Constance's handling of business is Don (Jake Johnson) because he's used to being the top dog. But even he can't argue that she has helped him achieve success he only dreamed of before.

With the characters thriving and getting the good life, Constance begins to introduce compromise in to their world. She begins to sow a divide by giving the characters what they want--while essentially taking away the most important thing they got in the first season: each other.

The show asks each character what it takes for them to bend their values. What are they willing to compromise to continue the good life they're currently enjoying?

Now, I do understand why some people would think this second season was more superficial than the first. In letting the characters succeed, it does feel like nothing bigger is happening for the most part. Because the trials they're facing aren't do-or-die. The characters aren't always in danger of losing everything.

But, if we're going to be honest: isn't that how we lose everything in real life? Bit by bit. Day by day. Life is good until suddenly it's not. And that's the magic of Minx's sophomore season.

The writers plotted the downfall well. If we go through the season again, we will see where the writers are foreshadowing the sacrifice each character will have to make. And it is amazing work.

Unfortunately, because the show only had eight episodes to work with--all the focus on delivering a satisfying story took out something that made the first season magical: the way each character progressed from episode to episode.

Season 2 gave everyone better storylines. Unfortunately, because there's a distinct lack of screen time to share, those storylines didn't get room to breathe. Most of them had to progress in between scenes and off-camera:

Idara Victor's Tina had a powerful arc of realizing her place in the world, of needing to choose herself--and yet, most of her processing happened in scenes that were already servicing Don's A-plot or B-plot, or while the main arc is place-setting, or while Shelly is having a moment for her character arc.

But at least her storyline gets to inch along from episode to episode. Oscar Montoya's Richie, while having a poignant endpoint for his character arc, didn't really have a clear path from point a to point b. He gets pulled into being every kind of supporting player before finally getting his moment to shine.

And then there's Jessica Lowe's Bambi. Her storyline is edged from episode two to episode six--and is only allowed release...in the final moments of episode seven. And while she does get somewhere in the finale, it also feels like it's just a lot more edging.

So, yeah: the plots and the character arcs are better and more powerful... they just suffered a lot from the lack of time. I'm not saying the show needs to expand from being a half-hour dramedy... but maybe having more episodes to let the plots and the characters breathe would do the show good.

Because goodness knows: this show is amazing. But it'll have a hard time firing all its bullets if we subtract cylinders from the barrel of its gun.

[anarmorofwords]

Hiii! I love your opinions on TSC and I Hope you don't mind talking about CHOT!

I agree with you on everything. I felt barely nothing reading It. I also didn't get attached to the romances. The Thomastair scene where he says that Thomas is the reason he didn't become like Tatiana and "you keep me human, Tom" was sooo cringe to me. Way over the top and reduce both of the characters to their romance. I understand why people loved It, but I found unbeliaveble.

I read Chot more for Matthew, tbh. I was pleased that she didn't gave him the horrible ending the fandom expected and have him an arc of healing but I wish we saw more of his thoughs and his processo on his pov. And we had the scene where he tells his parents and James about the secret that was a huge part of his character on his pov too. Anyway, so many scenes about family, friendship and grieving that would add so much depht on the book weren't written to give space to (I'm Sorry) boring romance.

Also I wish we saw more of Grace and Jesse sibling relationship.

And I have SO MUCH criticism over Charles' arc and I wanted to know what you think about his character and his arn!

Thank you anyway!

*me running to hug you for this*

i feel so seen, thank youuuu

no like literally, everyone here should know I adore thomastair, and yet... all those romance declarations were so empty

like you said, that line meant nothing to me. it was also kinda out of blue? if he said the same thing to Cordelia, I might have bought it, but to Thomas? Alastair began his change arc way before he and Tom got close, and there were so many other things he could have said. It genuinely felt like something out of a "random cheesy line" generator (and yeah, there's many other things that helped "keep him human" - like his family yikes)

same about Matthew! i was waiting for his pov for all of this series and I'm once again disappointed. maybe she just didn't know how to write addiction from the struggling person's pov, but then again, why did she choose that plotline to begin with? also she will be writing a ss collection about him, so that seems an unlikely reason. probably just, as you said, there were more important things to focus on (like prolonging the bracelet secret for eternity yay )

and when both his revealings of the secret were skipped over? are you kidding me?!

it's just one of many pov decisions I cannot fathom, alongside - no Anna pov of/after Kit's death, no Gabrily pov of their son's death/aftermath of it, no Carstairs meeting their sibling, Ari coming out etc. etc.

i actually think Charles was given the "no child of our previous mains can be an evil person" treatment and some last minute flat redemption arc and I don't buy it. he lacked nuance. i would have liked to see him conflicted, see him torn between some deeply hidden love and sentiment for his loved ones and his cutting ambition and years of being among a rather ruthless crowd. if we're sweeping up all of his being a shitty person under a rug because of the blackmail, it becomes ridiculous. all of the previous books plot becomes ridiculous after this mess of a hastily thrown together resolutions smh.

speaking of Charles - I do think the whole blackmail plotline was a quick and easy way to get both him and the inquisitor out of the way, and you have no idea how anti-climatic it felt. the whole political conflict was just like... oh yeah btw the inquisitor problem and all the prejudice is gone cause he blackmailed someone all good now 🥰

(can we just agree that this whole book was anti-climatic? whenever something was about to happen it just got puff!!!! and then we were reading about the aftermath of it )

(yes to Grace and Jesse!!! I actually think Grace was one of the best parts of ChoT to me)

[corraven]

Shrooms Made Me Better

[Art by Ayvaire/ArtOfFleeks]

At the top I'd like to state a few things; First, do not rely on unprescribed drugs as a solution. Second, I am not stating that shrooms fixed all of my problems. What I will say is that they helped me to see my own good and bad qualities objectively and thus allowed me to take steps towards self-improvement, as well as made me feel more able cope with the external stresses many of us have been experiencing these past few years.

Psychedelics, at the time of writing this, are currently being explored in clinical environments as a therapeutic medium to treat Depression, PTSD, and a number of other psychological issues. If you're curious about shrooms, you'll see these words rehashed in some form over and over again as a sort of script/justification for usage. I'm not here to preach to you why I think they should be legalized, etc etc, I'm here to talk to you about my personal recreational experiences.

I'd been curious about the use of psilocybin (the active compound of magic mushrooms) as a method of treating depression for years, but previously never had a means to obtain it. I have not been diagnosed with depression, but I know I have seasonal lows in winter and after a series of events between 2017 and 2019, I knew I was no longer able to sustain a healthy mental state on my own. Add the isolation of 2020 to the equation and winter times left me feeling hollow.

After a series of life changes and innumerable stresses added and subtracted since the beginning of the pandemic, by winter of 2021 I was in a much healthier and happier place. I'd moved to a much better state, had formed a network of good people around me, and even gained a wonderfully supportive boyfriend, but somehow... That hollowness just persisted. It wasn't sadness or anything subtractive, just a void where something had once been. Energy. Creativity. Inspiration. Feelings I hadn't felt in full for over half a decade.

Not wanting to risk the approaching winter time deeping this void, by around August 2021 I worked with my network and managed to obtain Penis Envy! Hang on. That's the name of the strain of magic mushrooms, not a sudden and profound sense of immasculinity. Anyways, I need to emphasize, it had never been my desire to get trippy on shrooms. My intention was to microdose and observe the effects. So I took my Penis Envy and ground it into a fine powder, tamped 15mg into digestible capsules and dosed myself twice a week for several months.

There was an immediate noticeable effect that surprised me.

I took my first dose and was meeting with a friend for some beers and a day at the beach. On the way there I was listening to my progressive house/lofi playlist- and about twenty minutes after taking the pill, my music suddenly changed. The song I was listening to, I'd heard a dozen times before, suddenly became richer, deeper, more... Full. As though I could hear every nuance and effect with a clarity that I hadn't heard before! Visually and physically, nothing around me had changed. I felt sober and in a fully sound state of mind.

This began a ritual for me. Every couple times a week, I'd take the pill and go get cozy in bed and turn on my music. After a few minutes of relaxing and listening, I would sense a small window of time where the music took on that richness and if I held very still, I could feel a brightness within me. Like a glow or aura. Just a subtle feeling of warmth. Again, this was doses of only 15mg. If I took a pill and didn't lay down, and instead just went on with my day, I wouldn't feel anything. No glow or warmth, just a brief, usually thirty minutes or less, window where music enhanced.

I had started in early August and my first batch lasted me until mid-November. I got my second delivery of Penis Envy and decided to up the dose a bit. 40mg. (I was still scared of tripping!) This had the effect I was looking for. The music became even fuller, the glowing feeling inside became a warm blanket if I held very still, and as Winter went into full swing, I felt great! I had a surge of creative energy. I did a lot of writing, a lot of character development and channel development for Yrie/streaming, and felt inspired to learn a new medium! Perhaps it was because I went into the experience having knowledge of what I wanted to gain from it that I was able to focus and realize these changes, but the energy I felt I had previously lost was definitely there and I was empowered to continue my personal growth.

By the end of January 2022, I was running low and my purveyor of Penis Envy was unavailable for a while, so I knew it was going to be a few months before I could get more. I decided to end my winter experience with one pill I had been saving. I had taken all of the fine residue from my grinder and packed it into one capsule, weighing about 1.5 grams. Still a considerably low dose for recreational users, but this was how I wanted to do it. I took the overstuffed pill and went to lie down.

It started out the same as normal. I felt the music embolden, and I could sense the brightness in me growing. But now when I closed my eyes, I could see whole scenes playing out in front of me. I realized then what the phrase "the mind's eye" referred to. Behind my eyelids, I could watch transformative vistas and ethereal patterns moving, forming, collapsing, in perfect harmony with the music. If I opened my eyes, I was back in reality. A little hazy, but in full control of myself. If I closed my eyes, the scenes would slowly return.

Not to play too hard into the stereotype, but it was a transformative experience.

Once that trip ended, that was it. I felt happier and more confident over the next few months than I had in years. Because of the microdosing, and the one experimental small dose/easy trip, I started acting upon my desires to create, to produce, and to pursue the things I enjoyed. I didn't feel bogged down and hollow like I had before. 💜

Recently, I was able to reconnect with my purveyor as well as make friends with another, which gave me the opportunity to do more. So I did more.

Why do images like this get so associated with trips? Because that's what you see! Obviously much less static, but an image like this will form and deform and transform behind your eyelids in harmony with the music.

Last week I obtained some more magic mushrooms and went to space with friends. 🛸

I was nervous to go into this as I had never had more than a gram, and now we were talking about doing 3+ grams. A certifiable true dose of shrooms for a proper magic experience.

It started out not great. We followed the advice given to us and we did all feel that initial moment where we knew the mushrooms were taking effect, but beyond some mild visual artifacting (like a JPEG image) there was nothing going on. I tried to sherpa my friends into staying still, focusing on breathing, and listening to the music, but keeping them still and untalking was impossible. One friend decided to call it for the night after a couple hours of not feeling anything. I was able to settle the other friend down and after just one song, we both fell deep into the trip.

The music wasn't just richer and bolder. It became a full experience. Every note, every background audio effect, every nuance was additive and enhancing. One song would feel like an hour, but it was deeply moving and profound. Music I had heard a hundred times was given new life and depth. The accompanying visuals were incredible. Like the best visual effects of any movie you've ever seen, but touching in a personal way. At one point, there was a crisscrossing woven ribbon pattern stretching across the sky, pulsating and changing colors, in between every crisscross was an empty space and all at once the spaces filled with eyes. You would think it would be terrifying, but it was honestly beautiful. The ribbon continued to move across the cloudless sky, grassy plains and oceans and forests below it. Eventually the scene transformed into something else, beautiful and refreshing, over and over. Every song bringing new worlds into my head. Every new scene an experience of emotion and comfort.

Throughout all of this I was still aware of my body and my surroundings. I could pursue the experience or let go and come back to reality. At no point did I feel like I was out of control of reality and it felt like I had to be mentally willful to return to my mind's eye. If I felt my leg getting uncomfortable because I hadn't moved in half an hour, I could readjust and then be back in the experience within a few seconds. In reality, the brightness was a background feeling, my vision was mostly fine if just slightly wavering around the edges, and mentally I was clear minded and gleeful of how good this was -and then I could go back in.

It went on like this for two or so more hours. We could both tell we were coming down as it was becoming harder to stay in the visuals, although the music itself was still very vibrant. It was after midnight at this point and we were both tired. I fell asleep with a mostly clear mind but for my imagination feeling rejuvinated.

I recognize how much of what I have said here sounds like a trope, but in earnest, the experience was very enlightening. It seems to have a lasting effect of allowing me to better control my stresses and anxieties. I still know my responsiblities and tasks that I need to complete, but they're no longer weighing on me and giving me the sense that they are insurmountable. That, to me, is what I most value out of these experiences.

Going forward, I plan on taking small controlled doses on quiet evenings, maybe once a week or bi-monthly, then on occasion, a fuller dose for a greater experience, maybe once or twice a year. I don't want to overindulge on these experiences. I treasure them too much to treat them with that much causality. But for all those looking to enjoy a similar experience, or maybe just adopt a generally healthy meditative habit;

Lay still. Focus on your breathing. Listen to the music~

[foxingpeculiar]

Okay, so fuck it, we ball. I started my replay of FF7R. Specifically the Intergrade version, so I'll get to see Yuffie this time, which I did not, on my first playthrough.

I have not quite gotten back to Sector 7 yet, but I'm on the train there, having reconnected with AVALANCHE after meeting Aerith. And I'm probably gonna do a little more tonight, since--for the first time in a while--I have nothing particularly pressing to do tomorrow.

My first thought is to really wonder at the experience of someone playing this who is not familiar with the original game. It seems like it would be bewildering. Or at least, wouldn't have quite the same impact. And I'm thinking about Sephiroth in particular, when I say that.

In the original game, you hear whispers of him for a while, but he does not actually appear until the death of President Shinra. And when he finally does show up, you find him by following a trail of blood (which, IIRC, this game doesn't do? I remember being disappointed by that). His introduction here is sinister in kind of a theatrical way, but it... I dunno, it doesn't feel as menacing. He doesn't emerge from the story, he's just there, at the heart of it from the beginning. So like.. how intriguing is that mystery, if you don't already know the answer? How does he land as an antagonist? I can't tell.

Although, it's clear this was designed with the original audience in mind, which is part of why adds the story dimension that it does. I forget exactly how that works, though. I was kind of caught up in the experience the first time (that opening cutscene got me again), but this time I think I can think about it more critically, so I'm looking forward to that. So far, in that vein, I'm intrigued. The whole thing with Nibelheim being introduced as early as it is (like, right when Cloud gets off the train, I think) and then Sephiroth showing up is already cuing me up for the fact that this story is doing something very different. And then with this new introduction, it suddenly actually becomes a different story. And it's connected to Aerith. He didn't see them until he touched her. How is it going to follow through with that across... certainly at least both these two games, if not the third? (I'm very excited to get to Rebirth. I haven't looked into it at all. No idea what happens there. Don't ruin that for me, please.) How far afield are we going to get, here? What's sacred?

I'm interested in the ways they're fleshing out the Avalanche team, especially Barrett and Jessie. Barrett has a difficult vibe to nail--he's like a really aggressive hippie, peace and war kind of raging inside him, and it seems like they're doing that well. His "I got you" speech actually did get me a little.

Jessie, I feel, is more complicated. Her open flirtatiousness with Cloud, given that I know how that ends, how they choose to use the fact that she kind of makes you like her, very actively. And the original game... just wasn't that nuanced. Especially when I first played it, I was not the kind of audience that focused on the emotional/relationship/touchy-feely part of the story, and you didn't really have to because the storytelling itself was less sophisticated than this is capable of being. So I don't really know how I feel about that dimension of it. But I am very aware that I'm being emotionally manipulated and I'm curious to see how that pays off in the end, you know? Like, what story they choose to pull out of what I remember.

Gameplay wise, I'm still kind of reminding myself that this is neither an open-world game, nor a Soulslike. It's not hiding from me--the best way to experience it is just ride it. And also, it's not that hard. (At least not yet--I remember the endgame being a little more frustrating.) I do like how they're scaling the combat. Simple enemies that orient you with the fundamentals first, then they throw the party system at you and let you get used to that for a second, then a boss fight to see if you can handle that, and then more complex enemy types that you actually have to move around and strategize for. It all feels very smooth. Buttery, even.

It feels nice to sink my teeth into something fun.

[seaofgriefs]

I'm still on this historical genre thing. Like the process of watching the show IS the process of having your assumptions about pirates and history proven wrong.

The characters in Season 1 play on a lot of historical action and pirate tropes. Flint seems like a "badass" captain, Eleanor seems like a girl boss, Billy is the naive newbie, Vane is the "savage" villain, Rackham is a slippery sidekick, Anne is silent but deadly, etc. This could just be a product of weak writing. Certainly not all of the characters are completely fleshed out in the beginning.

But all of these characters are given at least some nuance early on: the badass goes too far in his violence, the girlboss is secretly insecure, the naive one lies to the crew, the villain is genuinely heartbroken, Jack and Anne are surprisingly tender with each other. But I didn't really see these details until at least the second viewing.

The first time around, these nuances seemed like discrepancies rather than intentional. I dismissed them the first time. I think the tone really encouraged me to watch it uncharitably. The gratuitous nudity and slapstick humor undercut the more serious moments. When the characters seemed tropey, I assumed there was nothing more to them. I didn't give the writers enough credit to believe that depth would be added along the way.

Instead, they took these seemingly flat characters and then added layer after layer of complexity, without contradicting what came before. There are moments for each character that defied my expectations about them so much that it forced me to reasses them, and the show as a whole. Its only when you have the context of their entire arcs that you can return to S1 and recognize that what you saw was just the tip of the iceberg.

I think this is the reason I liked S1 so much better on rewatch. Its far from my favorite, but it feels like I'm seeing pieces of a much larger puzzle. You can't fully appreciate it until you know what the complete picture looks like. Even though literally the first two scenes tell you that there is more to this world than you assume (the scary pirates joking around after the raid).

Despite the flaws in S1, the way they took what they had and capitalized on it is incredible. It elevates its first season in retrospect. I don't think it would have had the same impact if they had done a more abrupt pivot in S2. Instead, they gradually add complexity. At the same time, the tone shifts to become more and more like a historical epic, something encourages you to notice how literary the writing is.

Whether or not it's what the writers set out to do in the beginning, the show first presents and then systematically deconstructs popular assumptions about history, pirates, civilization and the frontier. It weaponizes the preconceived notions that you are projecting onto the show against you. That's why the characters are continually surprising, even when they've heavily foreshadowed their true natures.

And that's why Flint's line about how they will "be defined by their histories" and "distorted to fit into their narrative" hits me so hard every time. We KNOW its true because that's precisely how we entered the show. Its only by the end that you fully realize how tragic that is.

[psychelocktango]

After watching First Kill, the dislike it is getting from critics is sounding more and more like nonsense or bigotry. I want to see the same critics review Romeo and Juliet. I want to read reviews from people who have studied and LIKE or at least see the skill in Shakespeare.

"the writing was bad"

no, actually it wasn't. This is one of the most well written and thought out adaptations of Romeo and Juliet I have seen or read to date. There are so many clever uses of literary devices and techniques. I'm struggling to find any significant plot holes.

Apollo and Elinor are foils. Calliope and Juliet balance one another while testing one another. The representations of motherhood and fatherhood are nuanced, compassionate, and compelling. All the characters in both main families have DEPTH along with their flaws. Every problem that seems to go away too easily is brought back in another similar form with vengeance and deep consequences. You don't need to have a degree in English literature to see these things.

Plus the acting is consistently impressive from both major families and even supporting characters.

"Cal was a bad actress / not really interested in Juliet"

This makes NO SENSE. it's probably based on a combination of anti-Blackness, misogyny, and/ or ignorance of queer culture- she did an amazing job. You cannot judge Cal based on the construct of white heteronormativity. Because of course she's not excelling at that; she doesn't need to. Plus, she's so complimentary to Juliet's character as opposites that also begin to grow into more than just the binaries of opposites.

Cal at the beginning is stoic, certain, and detached (which is explained so well through her backstory) and ends crying, uncertain, and painfully present.

Juliet at the beginning is anxious, uncertain, and constantly in her emotions (which is explained well through her relationship with her dad) and ends in strong silence, certainty (in regards to Elinor), and is determined to live her life for herself. (Yes she ends the show crying but that's because of a mistake/accident. That doesn't mean she didn't grow).

I'm guessing at least some of these critics never looked beyond Romeo and Juliet as more than "two stupid teenagers who got people killed over their stupid love that wasn't even love." To say nothing about

the depth and how the play exposes the problems imposed by stupid arbitrary binaries of good and evil;

to show an exaggerated and yet real feeling of what one's first love feels like; to show the beauty and callousness of Betrayal;

the painful and yet poignant individualism, stupidity,and self importance of youth;

the different depths of violence and hate intertwined with the concept of unshakable fate that forces two supposed opposites to love one another and drag their families out of their strict binaries of good and evil in the process.

The emotional roller coaster of love and sweetness; violence, hatred, and fear.

And all of this cuts deeper with explicitly queer characters and the rawness many queer people know of rejection and alienation.

"it's got too many tropes that have been done already"

So is Shakespeare. Tropes are in basically everything. And yet this isn't even an enemies to lovers story, it's been tilted so that connection is immediate (which is Shakespearean and incredibly realistic for lesbians). I'm actually impressed at how often the tropes are subverted.

Is it perfect? Of course not. The CGI is low budget. The choices for camera angles seem random at times. Yet, It adds to a campy atmosphere. And that campiness is arguably very Shakespearean. The opening illustrations are interesting but they don't actually shade in the faces of the Black characters, for instance. There are valid criticisms to be had, for example I've seen some Jewish people disliking her incorporation (perpetuating antisemitism) and other Jewish people saying it's irrelevant or liking it as a continuation of feminist readings of Lilith (as vampires are not meant to been seen as evil in the show).

But the idea that someone would say Buffy is more well WRITTEN than this?! Blatant bigotry. Perhaps blatant hatred of two teenage girls being the main focus of the story instead of through a tiresome white cis and heteronormative man's gaze. I like Buffy but none can pretend those characters were more fleshed out and complex than the characters in First Kill. Same with the plot and relationships. This stands out as one of the rare well written vampire stories. I understand this won't be something everyone likes, but that does not change the fact that it is incredible. And maybe that's easier for me to see because I didn't binge watch in a day. Thoughts that can spiral in your head after each episode; that's good writing.

If Shakespeare's bisexual ass can see this from the beyond, I know he is applauding. It was all the emotional roller coaster of a Shakespearean tragedy and it was done without stooping to the "bury your gays" trope.

I see so many people just calling this camp. I was expecting Once Upon a Time nonsense. Not depth, character development, creativity, and a masterful use of literary devices. Like it or not, Don't let people sell this show short.

[june2734]

A Few Of My Favorite Things: Arcane(The Series So Far)

I've never really been all that interested in League of Legends, most massively multiplayer online gaming haven't been my thing since I was in high school. So when I heard that Netflix was making an animated series based on the extremely popular property I didn't give it much attention, that is until the extremely well edited first trailer dropped and sparked my interest. This looked like it had the makings of being something special and I'm hear to tell you that after watching the first 6 episode of the 9 episode series that my instincts were anything but wrong. I was expecting something good but nothing could have prepared me for a something of this caliber. This is by far one of the most well written, creatively choreographed, and beautifully animated TV shows I've seen in years.

Without going into too much since I really don’t want to spoil a thing, the show centers around the characters of Vi and Powder AKA Jinx, a pair of sisters growing up on the streets of Piltover's undercity during an extremely turbulent time. The show acts an origin story for the two sisters prior the events of the game and explores their fractured relationship as well as the internal politics that shape the world around them. The animation in this show is like nothing I've ever seen before, the only thing I can compare it to would be the cel shaded animation style found in Into The Spiderverse. The closest thing I could find when exploring what aesthetic genre it might occupy is something called Aetherpunk which is a subgenre of steampunk that involves magic. The show marries both 3D and 2D animation techniques in a way that feels completely seamless, unless you're paying extremely close attention it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. This spectacular animation is complimented by the shows surprisingly dynamic use of cinematography, alongside shots that look beautiful enough to hang on a wall the animators also use the camera in creative and unconventional ways make action scenes feel shockingly kinetic and fluid. It feels like the kind of big leap in creativity and ambitious stylized 3D/2D animation that studios like Disney, Pixar, and DreamWorks haven't attempted to make in years, putting it right alongside the cutting edge envelope pushing work Sony Animation has being doing with films like Spiderverse and The Mitchell's vs The Machines.

This animation would be impressive enough on it's own but the shows writing is also surprisingly strong and nuanced in ways I never would have expected. The writing for the characters in particular is fantastic with each being motivated by complex motivations beyond what we see in their initial introductions. None of the dialogue between any of the characters, especially between Vi, Powder and their misfit family, feels forced or influenced by any kind of modern day slang or conventions that would date the show which leads to the relationships feeling that much more believable. To go back to Vi as an example without spoiling much, she lost her parents at a young age and feels responsible for her sister and the small gang she runs. You can see her impulsiveness and immaturity at first that leads to consequences later on, some of which are heart to hearts talks with her equally well written father figure that change her. There's a subtly given to her performance that adds a level of depth to what some might consider to be a "by-the-numbers" young street rat, you can feel her frustration at having to grow up so fast to take care of her sister and be a leader as well her frustration with their lot in life and wanting to rebel against those who oppress the people she cares about. This kind of meticulously detailed writing was the last thing I was ever expecting from the show but it's a welcome surprise that I really hope we get to see more of. There isn't a wasted scene or line of dialogue in the show, everything necessary to the overall storytelling and builds on one another to make one of the most tightly written and engaging animated shows I've seen since Avatar The Last Airbender. This is what a proper, well-written, character driven drama looks like! Another aspect that I, again, was surprised by in regards to the shows writing was how smooth the presentation of the world building was. League of Legends world isn't too dissimilar to other steampunk infused fantasy settings that have come before, but information about the series own unique quirks are presented to the audience in such a way that it feels like a natural part of the storytelling rather than something forced through awkward exposition. The world feels properly lived in, like there's a history to explore past what we see in the show which is always a good sign of longevity in a franchise. One last aspect of the show that surprised me was how dark it could get at times. You wouldn't guess from the first trailer or just by looking at a screen shot that this vibrantly cel shaded wonderland could have some of the most heart wrenching and brutal moments I've scene in an animated show in a while. Make no mistake, this is a show intended for an older audience. The characters truly get put through the wringer both emotionally and physically with moments so tense that some, honest to god, made me wonder how they would make it out alive.

I can't say enough of good things about Arcane and I honestly hope that if this gets enough attention and good will that we might see more works from Riot set in this extremely fascinating world they've created. The show is being released in three episode chunks that basically translate into Acts, Act 1 and 2 are currently out currently with Act 3 coming Nov 20th which makes this is the perfect time to start getting into it. If the the first two Acts are any indication of the thirds quality then this may just be up there as one of my favorite animated shows of all time. Seriously, if you love good storytelling or if you're just looking for an amazing show to get into then please take a time to check this amazing work of art out. It's way better than something based on a MOBA has any right to be as well as one of the best examples of how to do a video game adaptation right, I promise you will not be disappointed!

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Light Novel Review — I'm in Love with the Villainess

A stunningly profound, entertaining, and queer title that eclipses other isekai and Yuri series

There are few titles the general public seems to be as excited about as Inori and Hanagata's I'm in Love with the Villainess, as it has been sitting at or near the top of Amazon's LGBT Manga list for months and Twitter is consistently abuzz with the latest news on this isekai Yuri series. I was somewhat more skeptical, as I have had relatively poor experiences with isekai and fantasy Yuri. Still, my excitement went through the room, and I eagerly boarded the "hype train" upon the cover reveal for the third volume. Yuri families, where two women raise children together, are one of my greatest desires and something I rarely see portrayed in the genre. However, I still had mostly low expectations for the series going into the first volume. I looked forward to some light meandering comedy and typical boring trope-filled isekai shenanigans. However, I'm in Love with the Villainess more than exceeded my expectations. No, even this statement is far too moderate to describe how utterly stunned and blown away I was by Inori's creation. I'm in Love with the Villainess is completely shattering and easily one of the greatest light novels I have ever read. Thus, I have no choice to award a perfect 10/10 score, my first ever for a light novel.

After waking up in the world of her favorite otome game, Revolution, protagonist Rae is ecstatic to be faced to face with Claire Francois, the game's villainous rival. However, Rae never played Revolution for the thrill of romancing any of the three attractive young princes. She was always in love with Claire. She attends the academy and studies magic in the fantasy world alongside Claire, the princes, and various other supporting characters. Using her skills from the modern world and her encyclopedic knowledge of Revolution, Rae manipulates the situation to be close to Claire, becoming her maid, and garnering status and money along the way. As an inevitable conflict looms closer, Rea begins to enact plans to protect herself and Claire, many of which are not fully understood or explained until the finale fantastically reveals the reasons for her actions. There is a natural and steady pace to the narrative that awards readers’  predictions and attention to detail.

I'm in Love with the Villainess has some excellent supporting characters, all of whom have unique personalities, histories, and abilities, some of which are revealed by Rae's exposition and others naturally throughout the novel. However, the stars of the show are the central couple, Rae and Claire. Claire is an elite aristocrat and extremely bratty. She often sneers at commoners and makes her disdain of Rae very clear from early on. On paper, she sounds like the perfect villain and someone all readers would despise. However, Rae's utter devotion and infatuation with Claire is so sincere that we cannot help but be pulled in and adore Claire and all her tantrums. Rae is a delight herself, continually flirting and poking fun at Claire, which gets her verbally berated, much to her masochistic pleasure. However, she is also exceptionally cunning and intelligent, and some of the light novel's greatest joys are listening to her analyze a situation or watching one of her plans fall into place.

“Ah, I’m… Well, it doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s irrelevant to cuteness—because, Miss Claire, you are cute.” “Huh?!” She pulled away. It was perfect—such a pure reaction. “Miss Claire, you hate me, right?” “Of course!” “That’s fine. Please keep teasing me. I love it.”

The beginning of the book does not immediately clue one into its brilliance. Sure, Claire and Rea get some great one-liners as they bully each other, and the scenarios are authentic and fun, but it is nothing shattering. I was feeling pretty relaxed and having a lot of fun with the characters, their relationship, and the various slice-of-life style scenarios they encountered until one section, I remember the exact page, 81, as it stopped me dead in my tracks. I was flabbergasted and briefly frozen before shooting up out of bed, shouting expletives as I ran to my office to immediately record what I had just experienced. It all begins with the line, "Hey, Rae. Are you what they call gay?" What followed was one of the most thoughtful, condensed, informative, and nuanced discussions of gay and queer identity (both terms used in this scene) I have ever seen in Yuri. Everything from representation in media, the perceptions of and prejudices against gay people, and the role gender plays in romance for bisexual and gay people are analyzed. Its commentary is succinct yet so respectful and forthright that it could have only come from genuine experience, thus selling the book and its characters so much more.

"Queer people were still overwhelmingly closeted in this world, which was rife with prejudice and nurtured little understanding. As I noted, the queer people depicted in the story were either the sex fiends Claire imagined or the free-loving sort Lene had in mind. Diversity and acceptance were a long way off.”

Thus, Inori's writing's beauty exposed itself, and the book opened itself up to a delightful cycle. The narrative masterfully integrates isekai slice-of-life hijinks, like running a cross-dressing café or battling a giant slime with nuanced and challenging moments that dissect complicated topics. The latter mainly consists of a growing rift between the aristocracy and common people, mirroring real-world wealth gap issues, but the novel also touch on matters such as unequal prison sentencing and segregation. Every scene helped further the complexity of the characters and their relationships or else built onto the world of Revolution. Speaking of which, I'm in Love with the Villainess has some of the best worldbuilding ever seen in a light novel.

Initially, brief exposition establishes much of the world, which is adequate if not exciting. I will mark up to a casualty of the light novel's serialized nature, as it must present readers its setting immediately. However, Inori does not stop here. Through the narrative, new elements are established, such as a magic system and the kingdom's politics. Rea notes and describes how the world, while clearly based on medieval Europe, has many modern Japanese attributes, as Japanese game developers created it. Her pointing out the intersection of the two is fascinating. Furthermore, A great deal of time is spent establishing characters and organizations all have their own wants, agendas, and methods, many of which are not even directly involved with the story. Instead, they act as a background and help further contextualize others. For example, the Church publicly appears to lean towards supporting the commoners in their efforts for equality but has its own agenda of superseding the nobility. While they play little role in Rea and Claire’s adventure, they are one of numerous factors contributing to the unrest of the lower class. All these additions are interesting, and it never feels like the story or characters suffer for their inclusion, quite the opposite.

“The Bauer Kingdom had started a step behind other countries when it came to magical research. They dominated the surrounding countries in military strength, and this had made them complacent, leading them to underestimate the value of new magic technology until the best researchers had all been enticed to other countries. Even after the king came up with his magic-focused meritocratic policy, Bauer lagged behind.”

I can only make complaints by scraping the very bottom of the barrel. Hanagata's beautiful art is too infrequent to add much to the light novel, and many scenes crying for illustrations are left to the readers' imagination. However, Inori so wonderful writes the story that one hardly cares and can easily picture every moment with delight. Besides, the manga adaption will nullify this issue. Where I cannot complain at all is the spectacular translation by Jenn Yamazaki and Nibedita Sen, one of Seven Seas best (which is high praise considering the competition). Sure, I was slightly disappointed at first to see the adaptation left off honorifics, but the more I thought about the setting, the more sense it made. I am sure people much smarter than I gave the issue much more consideration, and I am happy with their decisions.

I'm in Love with the Villainess left me reeling with how pleasurable and powerful it was. The story and characters are such a joy, and I cannot wait to see Rea and Claire bully each other again in the next volume. Astounding worldbuilding and powerful, thought-provoking politics surround their antics and the high stakes plot. Every moment of their journey will enthrall readers as they squeal with glee at its hilarious set pieces or are shocked by its commentary of society's most significant challenges. Inori has created one of the most delightful, heartfelt, complex, profound, and genuinely queer light novel series ever. If you only read one thing I recommend this year, let it be I'm in Love with the Villainess.

Ratings: Story — 9 Characters — 10 Art — 5 LGBTQ — 10 Sexual Content — 2 Final — 10

Review copy provided by Seven Seas Entertainment

Purchase I’m in Love with the Villainess in digitally (9/23) and in print (11/10) today: https://amzn.to/32NEyG1

Supports creators by purchasing official releases.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Omg thank you so much for your posts about rinharu!! :"")) I was one of those people who were like "why are rinharu fighting again?? Did kyoani purposely seperate them /again/ just for the sake of drama ?? (And so that they have more oppurtunities to showcase other ships??)" I was really irked at first cuz i thought the first part of TFS is finally going to be a movie about rinharu being a powercouple, but! After reading your posts i realised that haru never really moved on from rin leaving, even in S3 the reason why hiyori's words affected him was because he thought he caused rin to leave (and by extension ikuya, but lbr haru wasn't as frustrated with ikuya nearly as much as he was with rin right) so i'm just here to say.. thank you so much for opening my eyes!!! Now i'm really looking forward to the second part!!

Awww no problem <3 tbh I've always said that free is one of those that has so many nuances left bts that it's sometimes confusing for those who aren't as invested I think. Like there's so many important things that are left out and are in additional materials, that some has no idea what's going on at times. Like back in the days when some interpreted s2 in the opposite way bc of that one thing. My point is that not everyone is even watches stuff like recaps for example (where there are in fact new easter eggs and so many important things like Rin's dad death aftermath etc), and even less read novels and checked side stories and dramas.

For example, in books this Haru's issue about him thinking he's cursed and hurts everyone with his swimming is a huge thing, when Asahi "lost his ability to swim" after seeing Haru's free. But in SD it wasn't adressed at all tbh.

And what Haru feels for Rin is such tornado of emotions, that surprised even me with all the descriptions, bc like it's real bad. Like that part I posted from the chapter when Rin leaves is at least understandable, since he leaves. But the way he reacts to him in general even when he just appears in his sight is always described as if someone tortures him for real lol. And he's always like "pls someone save me, I don't know how to deal with this, bc I've never felt such emotions before".

So basically, like yeah, he's as it is has this thing, when he thinks of himself as some bad omen, so he's very sensitive about it, but since everything Rin-related feels x100000000 for him, its just... well, it hurt for a very long time and sadly was just overlooked by a certain someone, so here we are.

I think we all at first believed that bc Rin's so shocked and in disbelief that Haru could even think that it was his fault in some way:

that maybe they talked about it bts or smth like after the relay. But it seems like Rin either forgot or most likely I think he maybe thought that Haru understood without words? I'm just real sad still that Haru didn't get to hear this speech:

I mean, they made it look by the end of s1 that it was about relay, which partially yeah, but for Rin it was really about Haru. You see what he said.. he said that that 1x02 race with Haru alone.. what made him want to swim again. This whole speech was not only about the fact that Haru wasn't at fault that he quit swimming in the first place, but about the fact that Haru is his lucky charm, that makes everything better. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HEAR THAT. So like for Haru it's to this day like "after I messed him up, Rin was saved with the power of friendship and a relay". But he was saved by Haru really. Bc according to s3 info, it was basically just about Haru being on the relay team. I don't try to demean their friendships or anything, but its just what it is.

And as I've said before in one post it's just fascinating that to this day Rin for example thinks that s1 shananigans were just about him and just his problem:

Haru thought it was about them and their problem:

So like my point here is I also up to the end of s2 thought that maybe Rei or Rin told that to him, bc we seemed to move on to another problems, until in Kizuna we were shown that he still dreams about that scene of Rin leaving. s3 Hiyori just exposed the wound really.

But also once again see what he said there, it's not just about that one time he keeps reliving, aka his first come back, its really just about each time Rin was leaving. Like the very first one already was bad, the second was the worst, bc he thought he hurt him and thought that bc of him he quit swimming, others are just painful bc by then it was already another kind of feeling. I mean, I do think that this first Rin's return to Australia thing needs to be cleared up since it's obviously still haunting him. But again it's just part of this. Haru after the Australian trip and "I've always admired you" and "without you I have nothing to aim for" and after TYM goodbye when Rin told him that he doesn't need a surprise party and that just swimming with Haru before leaving is the greastest surprise for him, he knows already about the way Rin feels about swimming with him... I think the reason why everyone is freaking out here is that bc the way it's executed it's just really about him constantly missing him and "why am I always have to longingly watch you leave, while you seem fine." If he was in a free race, but wasn't on a relay team, he'd get the same reaction. Its just all seasons combined that brought us here. We already in 3x01 without Hiyori knew that he wasn't handling Rin being far away again good. So tbh it's logical even without any explanation really. I mean, Rin does indeed leave and come back as he pleases and does what he wants without holding back or sometimes thinking about consequences. There's no lie here.

It's like since the beginning for Rin it was like "I found the gorgeous guy I adore and I want to swim with, I'll transfer schools just to nag him into swimming with me, it's not like he's gonna care if I leave after that." (he literally in the book didn't think it was a big deal)

For Haru it was like "I lived just fine, but this guy stormed into my life, made me want things I didn't think I'd ever want, got me addicted to him and then dropped me like a hot potato".

Rin's just very passionate about life and things he wants, like Haru for example, but he's really also very unobservant and very clueless at times.

But like just bc he doesn't know about Haru's existential crisis and all the pain he's truly in when he's leaving, doesn't change the fact that he at times didn't even treat him as a simple friend (because they can't be just friends I KNOW), but still things like "you could've called" "well sorry, I guess I'm just not good at it" are probably hurtful, considering the fact that you are good at it with everyone else tho, Rin sweetie. Like thanks for avoiding us the most and holding back and visiting us the last each time, we feel real special. Haru is like the opposite, he doesn't call anyone for example, but he can call Rin in the middle of the night if needed, he always does for Rin smth that's completely out of his comfort zone.

It's like some say "Rin didn't know he wanted him to call" or "he didn't know Haru felt guilty". He did know he wanted him to call and he didn't know Haru felt guilty and stopped swimming competitively when he stopped swimming, but then Rei told him and Natsuya in 3x03 reminded him about this too. Its just the fact that he doesn't want to add 1+1 and thinks "well, there's no way I can affect Haru like that right?", "he can't be that upset about Rin Matsuoka, right?". While facts are he IS literally the only one who affects Haru in such huge way. It's like everyone else can just pass him by and it's nothing, but he walks by and it's a whole "asdfghgfdsa why my body is on fire, its just Rin who's just standing there".

And I'm also buffled by this thing that some people really say stuff like "where did this come from, they were perfectly fine" etc, as if they ever had normal "friendship" relationship. I'm like when did they ever behave themselves okay? In 3x03 Rin is dying to call Haru, but can't do it, while he's constantly texting everyone including Nagisa. First thing he says in the airport when he comes back is "I'm home, Haru" to air, but then goes to hang out with Makoto and Sousuke, desperately looking for an excuse to see the one whom he from the beginning, as it was shown wanted to see the most, but in his opinion can’t without a reason. It's only when Makoto tells him that Haru was upset about Albert he quickly rans off out of there bc "hooray, I have an excuse to see my bae”. Like we know from the airport scene that he wanted to see Haru the most. If they're so as people say were doing great, than how do you exlain all of their s2 and s3 behavior for real? It's like as if in TYM Haru didn't lose his shit from some gossip about persimmons. I mean, they never settled anything really. And Haru is constantly scared of Rin leaving again since forever.

So it's complicated, but yes, we're super excited for p2, bc asdfghjhgfds.

[fenoderee]

薫 [Guitar] Interview

Let's start with an interview with Kaoru, the main composer of the Band. He has been steering the Band in the direction of what he feels is new and interesting musically, but in what mode has he been working on the music now, and how did he complete the new song "Oboro"?

Nothing is interesting if it's exactly what you think it is at the beginning, but it becomes interesting if you think "it could look like this" and continue drawing.

-Since we're doing this remotely, I'm also curious about where you are now... Is it your home studio?

Kaoru: It's like a studio, a place where I write songs and draw pictures.

-A place where you can concentrate on one work. Have you had a studio for quite some time?

Kaoru: About five years ago. I've been using it since I started writing songs for 'The Insulated World' (released September 2018).

-I'm also curious about the monitor screen behind you, which I assume you're still writing songs on.

Kaoru: No, this is just the data for "Oboro". There's also a guitar in the composition.

-It's a studio that you can use freely 24 hours a day, are you the type of person who sets aside time to write songs?

Kaoru: Basically, I do, but it depends on the moment. When I'm in the mood, I don't need to set a time to write.

-I've heard that you've been writing songs for your next album for quite some time?

Kaoru: Yes. We started writing songs before we had finished "The Insulated World." I don't know if they will end up on the album or not, but I started writing them anyway.

-The style of your previous work was also key in terms of what inspired you to write a song and how you think about it, but what did you see in "The Insulated World“ that made you want to pursue it further?

Kaoru: To put it simply, I wanted to create something more intense. The last album was made with the intention of creating something intense, and the album before that "ARCHE" (released in December 2014), was a straightforward package of what we had created at that time. For the next album, I want to make sure that the songs I've chosen are the only ones I can think of. In that sense, I want to make a very intense album. I don't want it to be an intense album, or a slow album, or anything like that, but I want it to be a whole piece of work.

-Do you write your songs with the whole album in mind, rather than just one song at a time?

Kaoru: Yes, that's true. But when we first started writing the songs, I had a feeling about it, but I hadn't told the band yet.

-What kind of sounds and phrases come to you as a starting point when you are conscious of wanting to make something strong?

Kaoru: The way we create doesn't change much. It doesn't matter what the starting point is. I just start writing and then somewhere along the line I start to betray myself. I'll put in a phrase that sounds different. It's all about making the song more interesting. It's more like if you start off with the right idea, the song won't expand from there. I'm trying to find songs where I can find the unexpected.

-Do you also do some kind of input work to draw your own inspiration?

Kaoru: I do input, but I don't know if it's open or not. When I sit down in my studio and think "Come on, let's do it", I don't really think about anything else.

-Do you feel that starting to draw together has given some kind of feedback to your music?

Kaoru: I thought there would be, but not really (laughs). It's still the same, both in terms of salary and songs. If I tried to create it myself, I'd end up thinking in a very unorthodox way. The more I draw, the more I think the same way as I do when I write songs. It's not interesting if it's exactly what I had in mind from the start, but if I start drawing randomly and when something comes out, I think "it could look like this", and then I go on with it and it becomes interesting.

-So you don't like the fact that you can predict what you are going to do?

Kaoru: Yes. But in the case of a song, you can say "I've tried it, but I think I'll redo it", but with a picture, once you've put in one stroke, you can say "Oh, it's not the same", so the tension is different in that respect.

-Returning to the subject of one song, last year DIR EN GREY released "Ochita Koto no Aru Sora" as a download. When was this song born?

Kaoru: Last spring...well, it's been around for a while. It was a song that we had been working on. We reworked it and made it again.

-Were you in the mode of "I want to make it strong" from that point on?

Kaoru: I think we were in that mode, but I have an image of that song as a single, so it's a bit different. I wanted to put it together as a single, but with an unexpected twist. So it's a mixture of mellow, loud and core.

-But I think you felt you were able to move forward with one new song. Was there anything that came out of that?

Kaoru: It's still like we're trying to get our hands on something that's shrouded in mist. I'm still struggling with it.

-From what point did you start to make "This Single"?

Kaoru: Unusually for me, I started with a chord progression. I thought it would make a beautiful song. But as a song it was just a chord progression and I didn't have a definitive image yet. So I gave the members a listen to the song and said "Let's try it".

-Did you write the chord progressions while playing the guitar?

Kaoru: No, the keyboard. I thought it would be easier to understand the development of the song if I added the guitar when I played it for the members, so I did, but I hadn't added it before.

-A single keyboard is an instrument that makes it easy to visually see how the notes are stacked. Do you find it easier to move on to something unexpected if you use such an instrument?

Kaoru: When I'm creating phrases on the keyboard, I'm only imagining how the song will go. It's not that I'm trying to make the sound pile up purely because it's on the keyboard, but simply because it's easier to see than playing the guitar. This was especially true for "Oboro" and nowadays I always review the notes once on the keyboard. I also created "The World of Mercy" (released in September 2019) on the keyboard at first. When I added guitars to it, the song changed drastically.

-"Oboro" is finished in an arrangement that incorporates strings, but is the rough phrase of strings in your head from the beginning?

Kaoru: I didn't include it in the demo stage. In fact, I was thinking of not including it. But when I created the guitar solo and was thinking about what to do before it, I came up with the idea of strings. I put them in, and it worked out well, so I decided to put strings in the second half as well.

-So the guitar solo led to the string arrangement.

Kaoru: To put it coolly, yes (laughs). For a while we were trying to get rid of the guitar solo, but recently we've been trying to add the flavor of the guitar solo to the songs. I was struggling with this until about halfway through, when I really thought the guitar solo was necessary. Even now, there are times when I don't think it's necessary. But this is the same idea I had when I started adding guitar solos again. I grew up with that kind of music, and I was always impressed by the cool guitar solos of my favorite artists. I don't think solos are really necessary in this day and age, but as long as it's not too dull, it's okay. That's why I think about the phrases I use in my solos, but it's not like I have any deep feelings about them.

-When you were thinking about the phrases and melody for the guitar solo, did you have a song in mind yet?

Kaoru: I had a tentative song in mind, but I hadn't finished the verses yet.

-Oh, really? It's a solo with a melody and tone that fits the color of the poem very well.

Kaoru: So maybe it was my mouth that called up this poem (laughs).

-I'll say it, brother!

Kaoru: That's a lie, a lie (laughs). When I was thinking about the guitar solo, I felt like I was drawing a picture. I was trying to figure out what kind of sound I wanted the chords to make while creating a certain atmosphere. It's like I'm trying to figure out what emotion I want to put into it. The general idea was to keep the first phrase as it was, but change the nuances in the details.

It's limited, so you can't do something like a power collision, but it will surely be a live that is nothing but DIR EN GREY's live.

-You're a real romantic when you can get away with this kind of melody and arrangement.

Kaoru: Yeah, that's right (laughs).

-Another thing I noticed was how few guitar tracks there were. Is this a result of your desire for a change in the construction of the sound?

Kaoru: I think a lot of people feel that this song is easy to understand, but we just didn't make it easy to hear everything. If you listen to it carefully, it's actually not an easy song to understand at all...let's just say that (laughs). If you listen to it thinking that you can hear everything that is in it, you will never hear it. In fact, there are many "sounds" that are far away. I put them in such a way that you can't hear them. So I'm trying to make you feel it. I think the guitars in this song are meant to be felt. I don't want you to listen to it, but to feel it. That's why it doesn't come out with a bang, but there's something there. The number of tracks is smaller than in the days of "Dum Spiro Spero" (Continued in August 2011), but I thought it would be more interesting to let the listener hear that there are actually various sounds at key points. In that sense, I want the album to be dense.

-Did you come up with such a clever method while struggling with the music in your secret studio?

Kaoru: I'm basically twisted (laughs). But when I think something is not interesting, I naturally come up with something like that. When the album finally comes out, I think it's OK as long as everything is interesting and fits together. It's not like I haven't done this before, but this time I took the plunge.

-In this case, I think you have to be very careful about sound awards and mix balance. What kind of instructions did you give during the recording process?

Kaoru: I didn't make any detailed instructions. I just recorded it normally, reamped it in the studio, and at the last minute asked the engineer, "This is how I want it". The rest was left to the mix engineer. However, I had already talked with the members at the pre-production stage. I wanted the whole thing to sound like a warble, and the guitars were relatively up front. When it came time to mix it, I tried to make it more of a feeling than a sound.

-Neil Avalon was the mix engineer, was it easy to convey the subtle nuances?

Kaoru: Neil seemed to understand. Even so, it was difficult to convey even the most recognizable nuances, and I had many exchanges.

-You said you were going to have him play the guitar, but could you give us some pointers on "this part is actually the guitar"?

Kaoru: To make it easy to understand, in the A melody, there's a kind of arpeggio that goes back and forth. It's like a single note phrase.

-Is it an echo-like effect with a lot of depth?

Kaoru: Yes, yes. That's the one that's actually getting straightened out little by little (laughs). But you can't tell unless you listen carefully. The first shot is a bit choppy, so you can understand it, but the second half is very year-round and you may not understand it. It's interesting to understand.

-As I unraveled Oboro, using what you taught me as a hint, I felt like I was getting deeper and deeper into it.

Kaoru: Yes, I think it will be fun, so please listen carefully. Well, I'll try not to make you sit down (laughs).

-I'm a passenger, though, lol.

Kaoru: It's just something I came up with. But it wouldn't be interesting to have a song where everything is played, or where all the voices are heard, or where all the sounds of the five players must be heard because it's a band. If that's the case, then the guitar doesn't have to be played loudly.

-Did completing this song make what you wanted to do for the album clearer?

Kaoru: It's just that now that "Oboro" is done, I don't think there will be any more songs like this one (laughs). But we originally wrote this song as a ballad, and the album's ballad will be released as a single first. "Oboro" exists in my mind only as a single song, so I think I need a song with a different selection.

-Are you starting to give shape to it?

Kaoru: No, it takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of time for me and my team members to get to know each other. It's hard to find something that says, "Oh, you don't have to think that hard". So I try not to think about it (laughs).

-That's just like Dr. Den who is in album production mode (laughs). I always send the best car with the best machine to the landing place.

Kaoru: It's true. I can't decide, or rather I don't want to decide. I want to use the possibilities to the fullest as they grow. The members say to me, "Shouldn't you decide what kind of album you want to make?“ I usually answer, "No, I'd like to keep it a little more vague“. This always lasts until the second half of the album production (laughs).

-Since last year you haven't been able to perform live as much as you'd like, does that put you in a better frame of mind to concentrate on writing songs?

Kaoru: We haven't toured for a year now, we used to tour twice a year. Now I think there were hints in the casual conversations I had with the members in the dressing rooms before the gigs. I would get an idea for a song from a casual conversation, like "this song might fit this way". So I think it would be better if I had a chance to talk to the band members.

-Conversations with the members are different during the writing period and in the dressing room. In the dressing room, they might express their honest opinions, so it's easier to understand what they are thinking about.

Kaoru: Yes, that's true. It's hard to see because we don't have that now.

-Is your biggest input from your members?

Kaoru: I want to make decisions myself, but there are many things I can't decide. If the members say "it's good", I think "oh, it's good". I don't know if it's the right answer on my own.

-At the audience concert in May, I was asked to start by talking with the 5 members in the dressing room.

Kaoru: I don't think we have time for that (laughs). It's been a long time since I've been to a live concert.

-When the magazine goes on sale, the live performance will be in a few days. It's been a long time since you've done a live power exchange with the audience, how are you feeling now?

Kaoru: I sent my ideas for the setlist to the members just the other day, but no one responded, so I don't know if they think it's okay or if they'll think about it after rehearsal (laughs). I'm not sure how that will feel. But I'm not worried at all. I'm sure it will be nothing but a DIR EN GREY concert. Also, in a situation like this, everyone has their own opinion, and it doesn't mean that those who come to see the show are right. It will be the first one, or the beginning, or if it is the first step to get something, it will be the second step, so I would like to think about it after we try it.

Text/ YUKINOBU HASEGAWA, HIROKI KATAGIRI [GiGS/Equipment]

Photo/ REISHI EGUMA [C-LOVe CREATORS]

Translations by me.

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

Maybe I'm being ignorant, but is Earl genuinely seeing nothing wrong with Homeworld? A place where the slightest mess up can get you killed by the higher-ups and your place in society is decided for you based upon your gem, with you having no say in the matter? Yikes.

Hmm.. I wouldn’t call it ‘seeing nothing wrong with Homeworld’. That’s simplifying things a bit, especially because we’ve had in-comic evidence that Earl is uncomfortable when discussing Homeworld stuff. 

 But escaping damaging cultural practices - or oppressive systems - is not as simple as just deciding ‘ok that sucked let’s move on! I’m a rebel now!’ Even CG Pearl took 5000+ years to fully cast off her internalized Homeworld beliefs that she’d been forced into - despite being an otherwise exemplary Renegade Pearl! 

(Don’t @ me about her issues with putting Rose on a pedestal. I know. I also hold the belief that this was something more complex and nuanced than just her following ‘her diamond’.)

For Earl, this long trek out of her ‘programming’ so to speak is still in its early stages. She has only been ‘free’ for 14 years, and the majority of them she’s spent wondering if White Diamond would straight up shatter her for running away (when Steven was a baby). She spent the good part of last year slowly learning that Steven ISN’T like that, but her feelings on the matter are muddled. 

Add to this the fact that we KNOW her feelings for Pink Diamond to be muddled. Out of all the other diamonds and their Pearls, Pink and Earl seemed to have had the most amiable relationship.

I’m in no way saying this excuses the damage Pink did, but the fact of the matter is, even in SU: Future, Volleyball Earl doesn’t BLAME Pink for her accidental injury due to the tantrum. She refuses to even acknowledge that Pink hurt her and excuses it with the fact that it was not done purposefully.

From this condition, do we really expect her to springboard into a full-fledged, anti-Homeworld rebel? She’s got TONS of stuff to work through before she even begins to heal. 

Compare it to exiting a cult, if that helps. People who are in cults sometimes recognize the damaging mindset of the community/culture of said cult and try to get out on their own - and that’s comparable to what Rose and Pearl did. 

But in Earl’s case, it was more that she was pulled forcefully from the cult and plopped into a completely new world with new ideals and very different mindsets. She has to unlearn all the damaging rhetoric she has been taught, she has to emotionally understand what happened to her, and how that is wrong - and she has to somehow do this while understanding that she has nO IDEA what is going to happen when Homeworld comes. If she rebels and joins the gems, her life is most certainly in danger, as well as possibly Steven’s. If she doesn’t defect Homeworld, she has a higher chance of surviving, and possibly helping Steven survive if they pretend to be part of the system. 

I get that it’s easy to point a finger and go ‘that’s bad!’ but we must also consider how this world looks from HER point of view as well. Recovery, changing your mind, escaping an abusive system - none of those things are easy, and we shouldn’t expect the people who suffered under them to make a quick turnaround because it’s honestly not realistic and sets impossible expectations to those that are in recovery from those systems. 

Above all - it takes time and it takes introspection. Diving from one ideology into another without examining it thoroughly is, arguably, even worse than remaining in the same ideology. Because if you don’t take the time to think about what you believe in... well...