#and i wont deny shes been through shit. shes felt guilty for her wish and watched her friends die

[perenlop]

last magireco bitching post for tonight i promise but i think all those people who complain that sayaka and homura are abusive and horrible and unreasonable for the crime of being manipulated and traumatized 14 year olds in awful situations and arent perfect little victims about it should go watch magireco and have their brains implode bc i think yachiyo is like. so much worse

[gwaaaaar]

fma word vomit!1! Mostly a rant bc i have been rewatching it and thinking about things. Fma critical but i am ranting from a place of i genuinely want better for a media i like. I am a person of color and these are my thoughts personally, feel free to disagree.

Iirc, hiromu arakawa wanted fma to be a criticism on ainu colonization as she had ainu family and wanted to pay her respects to them. Which is Awesome in concept, i think its important to want to make something out of compassion and respect for others. I think she had good intentions when creating the base morals of her story.

(Edit, apparently shes yamato and not ainu, i only heard that she was distant ainu from an interview or something but yeah thats probably wrong so sorry abt that)

Heres where the problem kicks in.

Sometimes she does it poorly, really poorly. "Ignorance isnt a sin" but what happens when that ignorance hurts people?

Fma is in the end a story about redemption and humanity. It is a very idealistic /optimistic view of the world. And sometimes that wide-eyed optimism is blind to reality.

Enter the entirety of the amestrian government. One thing i HATE HATE HATE, is the fact that the white characters are given more sympathy than scar, a colored man who had his race brutally genocided by those characters. Roy and gang do feel bad for what theyd done, theyd felt bad about their war crimes their murders their sins everything. He himself says scar was justified in his violence. And edward, a 15 yo twerp was like "thAts nO exCuSe."

This is where the optimism comes in. "Murder is murder! All murder is bad!" Thats a genocide victim. Of course when scar goes after literal children and decides to solve all his problems with violence, thats when hes losing it. That should be disconnected from the whole government corruption bit.

And then winry. Winry comes in, cries her eyes out and shes the victim. Scar went through worse quite literally. And we dont see him get afforded that. And in a way, it feels like white woman tears. I can understand why winrys upset but jesus have some empathy would ya?

The main problem i think, is how little ishvalan characters there are, there isnt enough to have a full story. There isnt enough to see their pov. Its just roy and the gang and armstrong. And doesnt olivier get mad at alex at one point for not participating in the genocide? Stan alex for not wanting to kill people and backing out, wish other characters could say the same huh?

Maes. Maes. Grips him. Maes.

He doesnt give a shit about the ishvalans, what he was a loving dad but does he ever care abt his literal war crimes? Probably not. He only cares about roy.

In the end its an idealistic world where cops would actually work against the system. There always was something unsettling about the way the goverment worked and i think its because it follows the lines of "not all cops are bad!" Which, which isnt true.

Cops are bad because they promote and enable a system that was corrupt in the first place.

FMA technically goes against the grain with that, because the "cop" characters do go against the government. I think its important to have an ideal to work towards. I think its important to have positive examples, and fiction is a playground. Its a literal fantasy to get a corrupt government overthrown. But having that hope somewhere, may be good. Because at least we can hope for a better future. Roy and his gang work towards a future where they would get sentenced guilty which is a good thing i wont deny. I think its good that they fight for that.

Im not here to talk about that.

This combined with the fact that only white characters have a truly active presence in overthrowing the government (besides scar vs bradley that was awesome and very good), it just feels, unsettling.

Its like making a movie abt the civil war only to have white people star in it ignoring the black people that did work for their liberation.

(If thats an uncalled for comparison let me know ^^ i can edit it, its just the closest i can think of)

White characters and their emotions are always getting prioritized over colored ones and its alarming.

Then theres the whole if you work hard youll get something in exchange.

Hahahahha if only it really was like that for the majority of minorities hm? The world really would be a better place. 2003 fma you actually did something with that.

I dont think fma is entirely bad, it does good things sometimes! And i appreciate the message it tries to portray, i just think it has its priorities askew sometimes...

[lgbtyrus]

TJ’s Playlist Chapter 3

Story Summary: When Cyrus finds a playlist on TJ’s desktop full of old love songs, he realizes that TJ has never been a scary basketball guy but rather a huge sap. TJ just wished Cyrus could realize that all of those songs remind him of a certain boy who likes chocolate chocolate chip muffins without telling him directly.

With insecurities and fears almost set in stone, it’s hard for TJ to admit that he has a heart aching crush on Cyrus who is trying to avoid just that. Of course, it doesn’t seem like both of them are trying to get over each other when they’re always together.

Ao3 Link | Previous Chapter

Words: 4,627

Cyrus nervously walked inside his house, his mom and stepdad waiting in the sitting room. “H-ey, guys,” Cyrus gave them a little wave, his voice cracking.

“Where were you,” his mom asked, running up to him to give him a hug.

“Around the block at a friend’s house,” Cyrus said, hugging his mom back. “I’m so sorry I forgot to text. We watched a movie and fell asleep. I understand if I’m in trouble. I deserve to get in trouble.” His mom pulled away from the hug, but still had a firm grip on his shoulders.

She sighed and told him with a small smile, “You’re not in trouble. You just forgot to text me. I trust you.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Cyrus sighed in relief. “I was really scared for a moment.”

His mom let out a small laugh, “Just don’t let it happen again.” Cyrus nodded. “Also, call your friends. I think Buffy is more worried than I am. Dinner is in the microwave. We ate without you, sorry.” Cyrus gave her another hug before walking into the kitchen to get his dinner. When he sat down at the table, he made sure to text TJ before he got his ear blown off by Buffy and forgot.

Cyrus: Made it home alive and I’m not grounded!!

TJ: sounds good underdog

TJ: sorry I forgot to feed you

TJ: I was thinking of ordering a pizza when I fell asleep

Cyrus: don’t worry about it. Since I didn’t get grounded, I’m allowed to eat dinner.

Cyrus: don’t take that seriously

TJ: lol I won’t.

TJ: you forgot your polaroid ☹ I’ll take it to you Monday at school okay?

Cyrus: Just realized that :o Ty!!

TJ: yeah of course. It’s nothing. After all, you risked going blind for those photos :P

Cyrus: I can’t believe you really put my eye sight at risk for some photos

TJ: hey, you’re the one that wanted to be on my ceiling. I hung up the photo I’m keeping already. Oh by the way, Amber wanted me to send you this [img]

It was a picture of TJ and Cyrus sleeping on the couch earlier. TJ was slumped over, his head resting between Cyrus’ shoulder and head. They both had small content smiles on their faces. It was a peaceful picture. As Cyrus stared at the picture for a moment too long, his phone started ringing. It was Buffy asking to merge him in a video call. “Oh man,” Cyrus mumbled. He hesitated but answered anyways, already flinching before Buffy had a chance to say anything.

“Hey answered!” he heard Andi say in delight. “Finally.”

“Hey, guys,” Cyrus smiled, waving his spoon in front of the screen.

“Hey guys?” Buffy scoffed. “We’ve been worried sick! I thought TJ had gotten you killed or something.”

“You’re being dramatic, Buffy,” Cyrus laughed. “I just hung out at his place and forgot to tell my mom. Nothing bad.”

“Then why didn’t you answer?” Buffy frowned. “Were you ignoring us?” Cyrus felt guilty now. He didn’t realize there was still some negative tension left between TJ and Buffy. He knew it was that because Andi seemed to be fine. Buffy was the one that if given the word, she’d put a stake through TJ’s heart for Cyrus without hesitation.

“No, no,” Cyrus quickly shook his head. “I swear I wasn’t. We fell asleep watching Hotel Transylvania.”

“Hotel Transylvania?” Andi giggled. “That wasn’t too scary for you?” Cyrus smirked and shook his head.

“I’m still really sorry, though,” Cyrus told them with an apologetic expression. Buffy’s angry expression fell off her face, turning into a solemn one. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys.”

“Okay,” Buffy finally told him after a pause. “But do it again, and I’ll put you both in a casket.” She ended up letting out a snort, “I can’t believe you went to TJ Kippen’s house.”

Cyrus thought about it for a second and said, “Me either. I think I’m getting somewhere with our ‘The Kippen’s are Vampires’ theory. Their decoration? Completely gothic.”

“Maybe his parents were total goth kids in school and never grew out of it,” Andi laughed. “Bowie and Bex seem to still have punk rock in their veins.”

“Probably,” Buffy said, “or they’re vampires. I’d say let’s put a stake through Amber’s heart to see if she’ll turn into a bat, but she’s grown on me.”

“Putting a steak through her heart would kill her,” Andi smiled and shook her head. “Just ask her if you can have a glass of blood next time we’re at The Spoon.”

“We’re too mean, guys,” Cyrus shook his head, not once his smile falling off. He was eating, talking to his friends in their secluded trio, and his heart was still a fluttering mess.

“Too mean? To the Kippens?” Buffy let out a fake laugh. “Wow. Amber Kippen. I really thought she was going to be Amber Fubergoobeld’schnoppert to me my whole life.”

“You can’t deny that they’ve changed a lot,” Andi told them. She stayed silent for a bit before saying, “Amber apologized to me. Like. Fully. I was past it, but it made me feel a lot better.”

“That’s really good,” Cyrus smiled widely. “She’s the reason we woke up in the first place. I might still be over there if she hadn’t gotten home.”

“Wasn’t it their dad’s birthday?” Andi asked him. Cyrus paused. He had forgotten about that.

“Well his parents weren’t there,” Cyrus told them, getting an itch to ask TJ.

“I can’t believe you were left unsupervised with a vampire,” Buffy shook her head, not realizing that there was something bothering the two.

“Well,” Cyrus went along, “it would’ve been me and three vampires, so it wouldn’t have had made the situation any better if we’re being completely honest.” Andi knew something Cyrus didn’t, and it looked obvious. He wished he could make direct eye contact with her to get her to spill, but if it involved Amber, Cyrus had a feeling it was private. Amber had a lot of secrets and in their short-lived friendship, who knew how much Andi had learned. Cyrus took an initiative and said, “I’m going to text TJ real fast. Remember I can still hear you!”

Cyrus went off screen from the video chat and went to text TJ. He couldn’t help but smile big when he caught sight of the photo he had last sent. “Your camera is still on!” Buffy chided. “What are you smiling at like a big goof?”

“I’ll send it right now,” Cyrus lied. He made a quick wish for them to forget about it before go back to the video call app to turn off his camera. He opened his texts with TJ once more and blocked out Buffy and Andi’s side conversation as he tried to think of something to say.

Cyrus: wow we look good

Cyrus: anyways did you guys do anything for your dad’s birthday??

TJ: I probably wont see him until tomorrow if I’m being honest. I just found out my mom is staying in for another shift, so it’s just Amber, Macaroni, and I for another night.

Cyrus: Macaroni???!

TJ: we have a cat. Kind of does his own thing in the streets but always comes back at night. He doesn’t like me very much so he only likes to be inside when Amber is here. I think he knows who pays for the food and who forgets to fill up his water bowl.

Cyrus: I can’t believe you hid a whole cat from me

TJ: I hid my whole ass sister from you and you’re mad about the cat gkjsfghjksdfgh

Cyrus: my feelings are hurt!!

“You still there, Cy?” Andi asked. Cyrus switched back to look at them and turned on his camera.

“Hey, hello,” he waved his fingers. “I’ve done some investigating, and they will not be celebrating TJ’s dad’s birthday. It’s just him, Amber, and their cat Macaroni for the night. I don’t know what to do with this information now.”

“Me either,” Andi frowned.

“Amber didn’t seem that bummed out from it,” Buffy commented. “TJ was the one that looked a little weird when she said it beat her ass.”

Cyrus gasped, “Buffy don’t cuss.” Buffy gave her camera a look that told her she was holding back a “fuck you”, but she just turned it into a playful eyeroll.

“Anyways, I’m sure the vamps are fine,” Buffy reassured them. Cyrus and Andi agreed before Buffy smirked, “So Cyrus. What were you smiling at?”

“Shit,” Cyrus whispered.

-

TJ once again woke up at 2AM, but not at his own accord. Amber was shaking him. He felt something small crawl across his legs above the blankets heard Amber whispering. “Why do you whisper when you’re trying to wake me up,” TJ groaned, rubbing his eyes. “What time is it?”

“Two,” Amber said, still whispering. “Can I sleep with you? Mom is on the phone with dad.”

“She’s home?” TJ sat up. He scooted towards the wall to make room for Amber to sit down.

“She’s been home,” Amber said as she crawled into the bed. She held her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on top of them. “I think she got in trouble at work.”

“Oh shit,” TJ frowned. “That’s not good.”

“That’s not good at all,” Amber started crying. TJ put an arm around her as her tears got into a flow. TJ tended to ignore everything that went on with their parents, but Amber was the one that paid attention to it all. She was their messenger when the fights were horrendous, and she was the one that got lashed on for trying to get them to stop. TJ didn’t try anything because one, Amber wouldn’t let him. Two, he was a coward. He would just plug in his earbuds and close his eyes until he was asleep. “What are we going to do?” she sobbed.

“We’ll be okay,” TJ assured her. “We have what GG left me if anything.”

“No,” Amber pulled away and shook her head. She started wiping her tears. She hated it when TJ saw her cry. “That’s your money for college.”

“I can’t go to college,” TJ told her. “I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re not, TJ,” Amber lightly tugged his ears. “You’re so so smart. Just because you don’t know how to do equations, it doesn’t mean you don’t know who the thirteenth president of the United States is.” TJ bit his lip.

“If she gets fired-,” TJ started but Amber nudged him in the stomach, making him jump back a little.

“I don’t think she got fired. She probably just won’t get overtime anymore. But still. Dad needs to land a job. Quick,” she told him, shifting to hug her knees again.

“Do you think we’ll have to move towns?” TJ asked her. He had been afraid of that since their dad said he had to look at places out of Shadyside. He had had three interviews so far.

“Maybe,” Amber mumbled. “I don’t know. I don’t want to.”

“Me either,” TJ told her, looking up at his ceiling. He couldn’t see the picture, but he was staring right at the spot where he had his polaroid with Cyrus. He couldn’t leave now.

“Well,” Amber sighed and laid down, “night.”

“Night,” TJ mumbled. He didn’t lay down though. He stayed sitting up, occasionally petting Macaroni who hated it when Amber moved. He would let out little mews and rub his head into TJ’s hand until he fell asleep again. Amber was a crazy sleeper and often gave TJ bruises on his legs when she stayed in his bed. It wasn’t too often, but when it did happen, he felt like they got closer. It was why he couldn’t get mad at her or pick on her like he used to. They had enough going on. TJ laid down, but he couldn’t get his eyes closed. He stared at the spot with the polaroid, songs stuck in his head until he eventually was able to make out Cyrus’ smile as the sunshine poured in through the windows.

He smiled back at it and fell asleep.

It was twelve in the afternoon when he woke up alone in bed. Amber and Macaroni were gone. The sun from the blinds was hitting him directly which meant that Amber had opened them for him. He liked basking in the sun. It felt warm and safe as if sunshine could never hurt him.

He rolled over and reached for his phone. He had gotten a message from Cyrus at 9AM, saying good morning with the sunshine emoji. TJ smiled at it and opened it.

TJ: Good morning underdog. I slept late today

Cyrus: I understand. You deserve it!

TJ: That’s sweet of you to say

Cyrus: what are the plans for today?

TJ: I have work at 2 today so that’s going to be fun. u can drop by if you want

Cyrus: I think I’m hanging out with Jonah and Andi today around that time but if I manage to escape early, ill go by 😊 don’t expect me to do anything tho. Im just there to observe how Shadyside’s vampire interacts with kids

Cyrus: haha is that why you guys live in Shadyside. Because it’s shady and there will be no sun

TJ: oh hardy har har

TJ: I actually lay in the sun every morning for a while so I think your vampire theory is dead

Cyrus: you’re a fool TJ Kippen. Vampires never die.

TJ: I’m going to turn into a bat and fly away next time I see you I swear.

Cyrus: well you can’t because I need my polaroid picture back

TJ: you got me there

TJ rolled out of bed and went to shower, playing music on his speaker. He didn’t hear anyone else, so he assumed everyone else was out. Amber had said something about getting brunch with some friends before work the night before, and he assumed his dad wasn’t back yet. His mom was a different question and he didn’t bother asking himself where she possibly could have had gone.

He scrolled through his phone through his many playlists and saw C.C.C.M.  He smiled before playing it. Those songs made his chest fuzzy and sometimes the feelings would get overwhelming. But he didn’t really mind. He liked the old music that made him think of his new feelings.

I know a little bit about a lot of things

But I don’t know enough about you

Just when I think you’re mine

You try a different line

And baby what can I do

-

When TJ got to work, parents were barely starting to drop off their kids. Some of the little kids would give him hugs as they walked in. He loved his job, and he knew that he’d never get anything wrong. His manager and him split them in groups, and TJ started helping his little group of five with their exercises. A while into work, one of the kids in his group pointed to the door and said, “Look, TJ. Cyrus is here!” All the other little kids in the gym started saying choruses of ‘hi Cyrus’ and waving furiously at him. Cyrus had a huge frown when he walked in that quickly faded when the kids all started going to him. TJ had noticed the frown on time to know something was up.

“Hey, Underdog,” TJ told Cyrus as he approached him.

“Hey, TJ. Just dropping by,” Cyrus said, carrying one of the youngest kids in his arms.

“Cathy get down,” TJ laughed as the little girl held tightly onto Cyrus. She gave TJ puppy eyes, but TJ saw right through them and shook his head. “Come on.”

“Awe snap,” Cathy gave TJ an exaggerated frown before Cyrus put her back down on the floor. Cathy and the other kids went back to trying to do their stretches when TJ nodded his head towards the matts.

“It’s like you mind control them,” Cyrus said, a small grin on his face.

“Vampires can’t control minds,” TJ smirked then looked directly at Cyrus. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong?” Cyrus seemed to jump. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything is fine.” Everything indeed, was not fine.

“I might not know a lot about you, but I can tell when something is wrong,” TJ said and looked at his watch. “I have a break in like thirty minutes,” he said, putting his hand on Cyrus shoulder. Cyrus breath hitched. “Do you think you can wait for me to talk about it?” TJ then paused. “Only if you want to talk about it, though.”

Cyrus thought about it for a few seconds before saying, “Yeah, I’ll just sit down for a bit.” TJ nodded before letting go of Cyrus’ shoulder and walking back to the kids to continue showing them other exercise. Cyrus went to a chair in the corner, not wanting to touch his phone. He sat with his arms crossed, his frown eventually turning into a small smile as he watched TJ teach the kids how to do a handstand. Cyrus started laughing when the kids all knocked down TJ when he was in the middle of one. It was cute and it hurt Cyrus in the chest like a knife. Cyrus looked out the window to the park across the street and watched more people go by. There were dog walkers, joggers, more little kids, and the occasional couple. Cyrus grew worried that every couple going by could be Jonah and Andi.

The thirty minutes seemed to drag by until TJ eventually went up to Cyrus and smiled at him. “I have twenty minutes. Want to go to the park?” Cyrus eyes at the kids who were all in a circle around who seemed to be TJ’s boss, drinking a juice box and eating snacks. They were all staring back at them, giving him excited waves.

Cyrus waved back before standing up and saying, “Yeah, let’s go.” Cyrus and TJ went across the street and sat at a bench that was only a minute walk away.

“So do you want to tell me what’s wrong or would you rather me tell you how Hotel Transylvania ends?” TJ smirked, sitting down an inch away from Cyrus on the bench.

“Hanging out with Andi and Jonah by myself was a mistake,” Cyrus spilled. He didn’t like Jonah anymore, and he wasn’t jealous. There was just something there that made it look like they were both unhappy, but he’d never tell Andi. He didn’t want her to think that he just wanted Jonah for himself.

“You never look comfortable around Jonah,” TJ said, making Cyrus’ eyes go wide. Was he that obvious?

Cyrus stuttered, “What do you… what do you mean?”

“I mean you’re fine around him, but it’s never the same feeling around Buffy and Andi. It’s like you’re watching out for something,” TJ explained, making Cyrus’ mouth fall open. He had only watched out that he wouldn’t catch feelings for him again. Of course, TJ was making that task a lot easier. “Is there a chunk of the story that I’m missing?” I only had a heart obliterating crush on him that made me want to fling myself in the ocean, but other than that, not really.

“I’ll tell you that part someday,” Cyrus told him after a few seconds of stiff silence. “I promise.” He wasn’t ready to come out to TJ yet.

“Sounds good,” TJ told him. “No need to promise. If it comes, it comes.” It’ll come out of the closet one day Cyrus bit his lip. “Why are you upset right now though? Like, the actual reason.”

“Well,” Cyrus started, “they started fighting while we were hanging out. I sort of just sat there not knowing what to do. They almost dragged me into, and I just stood up and left without saying anything. I just feel so bad leaving them because they’re my friends, and I don’t them to be fighting.”

“Couples fight, and you shouldn’t feel bad about other people’s problems,” TJ told him, putting his arm around him. Cyrus didn’t tense up for once. He had grown used to that part of TJ.

“I know but Andi is my best friend and Jonah is her best friend.”

“Her boyfriend,” TJ emphasized. “Not yours.” A long time ago, that would’ve stung Cyrus. Today, that sentence lifted a weight off his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Cyrus told him, already sounding better, “I guess you’re right.”

“Sometimes I can be right, too,” TJ smirked, gently bumping the side of his head on the side of Cyrus’ for half a second.

“I hope they’ll be fine by tonight though,” Cyrus told him apologetically. “We’re throwing Andi a surprise party, and Buffy, Jonah, and I were supposed to plan it.”

“If Jonah can’t pull through, hit me up,” TJ told him with a smile.

“Will do either way,” Cyrus turned to TJ who was already looking at him. TJ and Cyrus stared at each other for another two seconds, TJ eyeing the mole and Cyrus testing how fast he could count TJ’s freckles before they both bashfully turned away.

I read the latest news

No buttons on my shoes

But baby I'm confused about you

You get me in a spin

Oh what a stew I'm in

'Cause I don't know enough about you

-

Monday during third period, TJ was furiously tapping his feet on the floor. Nobody heard it over all the chatting that was going on as their teacher passed back their math test. It was the first chapter test of the year, and TJ knew he didn’t do well. He was aiming for a C minus when he was studying with Amber, but when he got the test in front of him, nothing made sense. The questions seemed to be in a different language, as if someone had gotten words from different magazines and clipped them together. He didn’t know what most of the questions were asking, and he had forgotten a few rules for factoring. He looked over across the room at Cyrus who was sitting with Jonah and some other kids. Cyrus smiled at TJ, making TJ’s tapping ease a little as he returned a polite head nod. When the teacher approached TJ, she wore a familiar look on her face. TJ knew that face of disappointment all too well, and he already assumed the worst with she placed the test upside down on his desk. He took a deep breath before flipping it upside down.

F

See me after school please

Without saying anything, TJ crumbled up the paper and clutched it in his hand before storming out of the class. He heard Mrs. Pierson call after him as the rest of the class fell silent, but he kept walking down the hall. He pushed open the restroom door and saw two 6th graders in there. “Out,” he boomed at them, making them jump and run out the door. TJ went to the corner of the restroom next to the hand dryer and sat down, test still clutched in his hand. He didn’t realize how hard he was biting his lip when he tasted the blood on his tongue. He wanted to kick everything and tear it all apart. He had tried so hard for that test, and it was worthless. When the door open, he yelled again, “Out!”

“TJ,” Cyrus peaked his head in, “it’s me. Mrs. Pierson let me come. Can I come in?” TJ felt his face get hot. He was embarrassed now.

“Whatever,” TJ mumbled. Cyrus took it as a yes and walked in, going to TJ’s corner. When Cyrus bent down to sit, his head accidently knocked into the air dryer button, making it turn on. TJ bust out laughing as Cyrus jumped in fear. “Be careful, Cyrus.” Cyrus hit the button again with the side of his fist to turn it off again, his face showing irritation. He looked down at TJ and his face softened up again when he remembered what he was there for. TJ wasn’t looking at him but rather, the crumbled up test in his hands. Cyrus sat down next to him, this time being careful with the machine.

“Can I see that?” Cyrus pointed at TJ’s closed hand.

“The paper or my hand?” TJ asked, almost sourly.

“TJ,” Cyrus poked him in the stomach, making TJ jump more into the corner. “I’m not here to make fun of you.”

“I know but,” TJ paused. He didn’t have anything else to say. “This is just embarrassing. I feel so stupid. I studied, I swear I did. I just… can’t do it.”

“Yes you can, TJ,” Cyrus told him. “You’re not stupid. We might have just started being friends, and I don’t know every little thing about you, but I know you’re smart. You just need to talk to Mrs. Pierson about your dyscalculia and get a tutor that can work around it. You’ll be fine. I promise.”

“You make a lot of promises, don’t you?” TJ tilted his to look at Cyrus, a sad and dead look in his eyes.

“I do,” Cyrus said matter-of-factly, “and I tend to keep all of them.” TJ gave him half a smile that fell after a second. He put his test in Cyrus’ hand before looking away. Cyrus uncrumpled the paper and scanned it. “See. I’m sure she’s willing to help. Just go talk to her after school. I can go with you if you want.”

“Why do you care so much Cyrus?” TJ asked him, a little too bitterly than what he usually spoke like. It was similar to the way he would talking to Buffy when she first got on the team. “I’m pretty sure you have a passing grade. You don’t have to worry about my dumbass.”

“Actually, I tend to just shove my tests in my backpack and look at them a week later when it doesn’t hurt,” Cyrus said. “I like to live a life in denial. So for now, I’ll be in denial that you hate that I care about you.”

“I don’t hate it,” TJ looked at him, a huge frown on his face. “I’m actually glad that you care. I just don’t like it that you’re seeing me like this.”

“I think we’ve seen each other however ‘like this’,” Cyrus quote with his hands before handing TJ back his test, “plenty of times.”

TJ smiled for once, “We have, haven’t we.” TJ reached for his phone and took off his phone case, confusing Cyrus for a second. TJ then pulled out the polaroid with their silly faces and handed it to him. “Here. Since I didn’t get to see you this morning.” Cyrus looked at the polaroid photo and smiled.

“Thank you,” Cyrus told him softly. TJ was the first to stand up and reached out his hand to Cyrus to help him up. Cyrus took it, but he still managed to stumble into him.

“I got you,” TJ said, holding Cyrus steady by the arms.

“Me, too,” Cyrus smiled at him as he planted his feet firmly on the ground. Cyrus and TJ stared at each other for a moment and the next thing they knew, they were hugging.

You know I went to school

And I'm nobody's fool

That is to say until I met you!

I know a little bit about a lot o' things

But I don't know enough about you

I know a little bit about biology

And a little more about psychology

I'm a little gem in geology

But I don't know enough about you

Next Chapter

[falselovefakeaffections]

Bury My Heart Six Feet Under, Throw Us A Funeral

It’s been so long. I still feel like shit. Life’s been good to you and I should just keep it that way/Letting you in was a fucking mistake. Look what you did, again. You probably didn’t want to anymore for whatever reasons and I should just stop being pathetic. How I wished you and her were in another place, maybe then I can finally breathe/I’ve been crying every fucking day and night, it feels like nothing has changed. Every time you touch her I hope you remember how you broke me and that it makes you sick. YOU DIDNT DESERVE TO KNOW ME LIKE THAT. You’re texting her every fucking minute of the day and you still deny that you’re not together. Fucking unbelievable. All lies fucking lies./Stop letting her make use of you please. How pathetic do you want to be. You were doing the same exact thing when she left. You’ll only be miserable with her in your life. Stop fucking doing this./Honestly feel so stupid. Please just save me, God. I’m begging you. I’ll stop and give up anything just to not hurt over her ever again in my life./Everything changed. We never feel excited talking to each other anymore. We never jump to reply each other anymore. And, I’m also very very tired of having you control my emotions all the damn time./It’s all an act. Isn’t it? You threw away everything and the last time I did that or someone did that, that was the end. Well, I guess the only thing you’ll ever keep are the things from her. You printed it out, sticked it on your wall, put it on your phone, it’s everywhere. FUCKING HATE BEING HERE BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO HAVE YOUR HOME COMPLETELY TORN APART? I HAD NOTHING AND NO ONE. WHILE YOU WERE ENJOYING LIFE WITH HER, GOING TO PLACES, HOLDING HANDS (OR SO YOU WISHED AND MORE). WAS SHE RICHER THAN ME? SHE HAD HER OWN CAR AND I DIDNT? SHE COULD REPLY YOU 24/7 AND I COULDNT BECAUSE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE SO YOU DECIDED IT WAS BEST TO BREAK UP AND GET TOGETHER WITH HER BECAUSE SHE’S ALWAYS THERE? WAS IT BECAUSE SHE’S OLDER THAN I AM? WAS IT BECAUSE SHE GAVE YOU THINGS AND MADE YOU FEEL THINGS I DIDNT? It’s all just anger and tiredness. Everyone asks me, am I not tired caring about you and repeating the same old shit over and over again. Truth is, I’m so fucking tired. If not having you in my life meant that ALL the pain would be taken away, FUCK YES I WOULD CHOOSE THAT ANY DAY. But the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t. When you’re not in my life I feel like shit too. So tell me what I should do????? Fucking help me someone, any one. You say I’m important but shit I’m not. All you ever want to do is to text her and you said that you two aren’t together. THEN JUST BE TOGETHER ALREADY? Fuck it’s only a matter of time. And of course, like always, you’ll hide it from me. I have SO many questions, and you said you can’t do it anymore. Of course you can’t. Because you’re not the one left to nurse your broken heart. You’re not the one watching the person you love love someone else. You’re not the one miserable everyday because of this. YOU’RE MISERABLE ABOUT STUDIES. AND MAYBE THE FACT THAT YOU TWO WONT/CANT BE TOGETHER? BUT YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT MISERABLE BECAUSE OF ME. Sad maybe, but definitely not miserable. This is so stupid because I have no one to rant to and I’m just talking to myself./I still don’t intend to throw away everything. I don’t know why but I just don’t. Whatever. I don’t know why you still want to keep in contact with me? Wouldn’t it be so easy if I were just out of your life? 1) I’m sure your SO wouldn’t like it if I’m in your life 2) Even if she’s okay with it, I don’t think she would like it if we talk everyday. Oh right, you don’t talk to me everyday! You only talk to me when you feel like it. When….she’s not replying you? Or when you’ve got no one to talk to? Isn’t she always talking to you though. SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED ME? She was in your life not long before you broke up with me. Because she could text you everyday and be there for you???? SO WHAT FUCKING ROLE DO I EVEN PLAY IN YOUR LIFE. You don’t tell me anything, and I’m supposed to…..talk to you about???? How life is? How the weather is? Because you obviously don’t need me to talk about anything more than that. So if you just want to talk about how life is then why not talk to her????? You can discuss my life with her for all I care. You say I don’t trust you anymore, yes I don’t. But if you open up I could? Don’t you see that it’s a cycle. I let down my guard for you, thinking that you would do the same. BUT WHAT DO I GET? Silence. I asked for your POV many times because I know I never cared about anyone’s last time. And I’ve changed. But you know what, if you don’t want to say anything, I can’t force you to either. Just please, if anyone asks, don’t tell them I didn’t try. Tell them the truth, that you weren’t ready to open up to me, and you never will be. Because that’s only fair to me. But if you choose not to do that, then God knows why I felt miserable for so many fucking years. If you’re feeling sad about me, just use her to get over it. Like how you got over me, and us. I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN FUCKING DO HELP. You don’t get to get together with the girl who broke us and still be “good friends” with me. What do you want from our friendship? What role do I even play in your life? FFS YOU ALREADY HAVE PEOPLE TO TELL EVERYTHING TO. YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO LOVE AND WHO LOVES YOU BACK. IF YOU AND HER FIGHT, YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU TELL, SOMEONE ELSE TO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS. YOU DONT NEED ME AT ALL. And I know that the day I realised you threw everything away, like how you threw us away. I meant nothing, and I will always mean nothing. You replaced everything I gave you with everything she made/bought for you. You’re practically living with her. All her things are inside. And you expect me to believe that there’s nothing going on. If I really did believe that, I would be really so damn thick in the head and just plain stupid./I don’t get how she can text you 24/7. Doesn’t she have to work? Isn’t she busy with something else?? Or maybe she’s too rich that she doesn’t have to work?/I swore to myself now that I’m back to never ever go to your room again. She’s basically in your room. When I look at you, I just think of you and her. I don’t even know when I can look at you and see you. It’s all you and her, on everything. From your things, to your actions. You say you’re not together with her but in time you will. I may not know you anymore, but some things stay the same- how you treat the people you love. Maybe you’re scared of relationships but I’m sure she’s enough. I’m sure that one day you’ll be together with her. And I won’t be there to see that because never in this life will I accept that decision that you made./Just because I still have feelings for you does not give you the right to treat me like shit ok?? And it does not mean that I will accept shit from you. Don’t TELL me that you care, SHOW me that you do. Then again, not sure if you’ll bother showing because you’ll never open up to me again so there is honestly no fucking point for me to be in your life. Since you see no need to defend yourself or fight for whatever we have remaining, I shouldn’t even try opening up because it’ll just come back to fuck me up somehow. Tell them about how I leave all the time, whatever. But please, just spare a thought for me and how I fucking tried opening up when the least you could was at least try. IM SO FUCKING TIRED./Hope is the only thing that kills. And you gave me that, for the longest time I knew you. But with us, it just doesn’t exist. There is literally no hope. And you still keep lying to me that there is when we both know there isn’t. Just go live your life with her. With her, you got over me. Which is something you thought you couldn’t do. So I’m sure with her you’ll be happy too./She tries so hard. Makes so many things for you. I never did that when I first knew you or when we first got together. And maybe that’s why we failed lol. I will always have a soft spot for you and it fucking sucks like shit. You know that since years ago when we were close friends. I wouldn’t know the pain/hurt you go through or the happiness you feel when something good happens. It isn’t my prerogative to know such in depth things about you anymore. Because you already have someone who does that for you. You have someone who is unwavering and who is there for you 24/7- something I can’t do simply due to distance. And because of that you decided that is isn’t wise to open up anymore then fine. You don’t only have her, you have so many other people in your life that you can tell. I can tell you for a fact that even though the two of you aren’t together, you guys will definitely be together in the future./I don’t even make you happy. When I’m with you you’re just indifferent. The same thing happened to my friend. She said she would never ever forgive him and that even if they meet by chance, she would just pretend he doesn’t exist. So tell me why do I even fking bother giving you so many chances after you’ve clearly shown zero interest. You already have people to text you 24/7, to tell everything to when last time I was the rare few. There’s nothing that she doesn’t know that I do. If you can’t wait to get together with her but just feel guilty for doing it because you’re scared that I would find out, I’m telling you to just do it. You just keep bringing disappointment to a whole new level that I honestly don’t feel disappointed by you anymore. You can throw away everything (something I thought you’d never do because you’re so sentimental) but turns out, those few years meant trash to you. I don’t even think I have anything to say to you anymore besides, congratulations on your soon to be rs and thank you for treating whatever we have/had like trash./I know with you, I’m just another person you tried too hard for. I expect us to be like we were before, or I want it to be like it was before. But we will never get that again. The old you is dead for so fucking long, I finally get that now. It’s in your words and actions, every bit of it. If you say you’re essentially the same, then maybe it’s only me receiving such treatment from you (but I’m not surprised. We were nothing to you since you created new memories with new people.)/I’m not like you I don’t have people to text me 24/7. You said all you want from me is for me to be okay again. Are you even kidding. You know the reason why I’m feeling like shit. I’m asking you to try but you just don’t???? Fuck it. Just move out of here with her. Go travel for the next 10 years with her so I can finally have some peace./Too busy for me as expected. Stupid of me to even think that we had a chance. Call me the world’s biggest fool./Clearly you have more important things to do and more important people to talk to. ALWAYS feel like I’m disturbing you. So forget it./Haven’t I suffered long enough?? How long more do I have to do this. You don’t even need to see me when I’m back. All you need is her. Even when you’re with me all you can seem to do is look at your phone and smile at her texts. Enough is fucking enough. Stop lying to me when she’s all you’ll ever need and want. If you’re miserable it’s because you can’t be together with her, you can’t marry her. It’s not about me and it will never be./You meet her all the time but I bet when you’re with her you never check your phone right? Because why check when the love of your life is right in front of you? Or maybe she has priority over everybody and you would do anything for her that’s why there is absolutely no need for you to check your phone when you’re with her. And when you reach home you go back to texting her the whole time again. It’s only with her that you never check your phone. To me that’s damn rude but then again, anything for her isn’t it./This is a cry for help: And now I’m starting to think that your love was a lie, that maybe everything was a lie. Maybe when you were with me all you thought about was her. And that you couldn’t get her so you came to me instead. Was it because I was always there? Was it because you knew I would take you back every time? Was it because I always had a soft spot for you? I swear if I think about this for one more day I might just become insane. Being pushed to the brink of insanity because of all the self doubt. I thought I wouldn’t have to feel inferior for the rest of life anymore after having to feel it for 4 fucking years. But I guess it somehow wasn’t done with me. To your ghost and whoever you are now, just let me go already please. What more do you want. For me to plead insanity before you can stop this? For me to just die so that you can live happily ever after? Just stop please I’m begging you. You can do whatever you want, get together with whoever you want. Just don’t put me through this anymore./I don’t understand why you still have to lie to me. Is telling the truth so hard? If you don’t want to look bad in front of me then you should just save it because lying only makes things worse and makes me not trust you. You say you don’t know what to do to regain my trust but you don’t care either. You don’t bother to try to gain back my trust. All you need is her to tell all your feelings about me to. Maybe it works this way now. Telling the person who’s making you feel like that doesn’t help but telling someone else does. What can she do for you? Give you emotional solace? Give you hugs and kisses to make you feel better? One day you won’t feel anything anymore and it wouldn’t come as a surprise to me./I do things with you in mind but it all just turns out to be a joke./So insignificant to you. When can I ever be significant? Probably never lol./Back the second time and if meeting you means having you look at your phone every minute for her text and replying her text then I’d rather not be there.

Don’t know when I started writing this but it has been so long I’m glad it’s done. This is it.

[love-recoveringunicorn-blog]

dear brian, don’t you understand what you have done? you have broken my heart into 10 million pieces! i let my wall down for you. i let you in! i have been hurt so many times. i thought you were different! you made me happy. i truly fell in love with you. do you not realise how  hard it is for me to trust someone? i trusted you and you just threw me away as if i were nothing to you. how can you say that you feel nothing?  NOTHING. was i just someone for you to vent your anger at? yeah you can get me up the throat and assault me. i let that go because i loved you. i still love you. all i wanted was for you to love me. to protect me but all you did was hurt me.break me. make me cry and make me feel worthless. then you forget everything everything that we had just because your ex gets back on the scene. its not rocket science she was fucking with your head the only reason she wanted you back is because i had you she just can’t cope with the fact knowing that someone else had you! why does everyone take things from me. i had one wish. you knew that. i told you no. i begged you please don’t i don’t want to. you did it anyway you heard me scream you carried on. how how could you? you know what she can have you! i will get over you because i deserve better you piece of scum. your not even worth the shit on my shoe. your not worth my love. i am not going to let you break me down to nothing. i will keep my head held high and i will keep smiling but you, you will never be happy never. i don’t care anymore.  what the fuck is love? I’m still breaking. day after day its killing me more and more. i just can not cope with the way you look at her. the way you looked at me. the way you wanted a life a future with me and you want that with her instead. why am i always thought about second why am i always second best? what have i done in life to deserve this. i thought you were different you grabbed my hand and danced with me in the street. you whispered i love you. you looked me in the eyes and smiled. i will never forget that smile. it stole my heart the way your cheeks fattened and you teeth embraced the happiness as if it were the only thing that mattered.  your eyes were deep blue with green around the pupil. i was lost in them you captured me and made me fall in love with you. that was the exact moment i knew i was in love, it was as if nothing else mattered it was like it was only you and me in the world, everything else was a blur the only thing that i could see properly was you. if only i could see what was actually behind those eyes. the truth. the truth about you who you really were. who you truly loved. yes i fell fast for you it wasn’t my choice my heart just ignored my head. it wasn’t a mistake. i don’t regret it. but it just hurts. knowing i trusted you! i loved you i cared for you i tried fucking everything. and you just gave up on me. your mood changes quicker than anything. yes i know you have problems i understand that i have been through the same thing. why did you push me away? i could have helped you. i would have done anything for you i would have died for you. literally i would have died for you. the love that i felt for you was the strongest feeling i have ever felt it took over my whole body! i fucking lived for you and now your gone i have nothing to live for you kept my heart beating and the bad voices go. you came when i needed you the most. i was vulnerable and you just took advantage of me you fucking cunt! i want to know did you ever love me? even when i was carrying your child? wait i don’t need those answers from you i already know them, NO you never loved me, you didn’t care if i was pregnant you didn’t even want anything to do with me or our child, you had the cheek to deny it was yours when i was nothing but loyal to you! i stuck by your side through Fucking everything brian! and you haven’t even texted to see how i am. even when you knew i miscarried at 5 months i didn’t even get a call back. do you know what its like to lose a child? especially when its with the person you loved the most. it tore my heart out the pain was like i was being stabbed over and over knowing that i couldn’t even keep my child alive before it was born was hard enough but looking back at photos of us happy thinking back to the things we’d planned and realising that it had all gone. i just wish that you were there to help me to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. you couldn’t even fucking do that are you even human? do you even have emotions? because you don’t show it even f you feel i’d never know. do you realise how many times i have contemplated death since all this? everyday. EVERY FUCKING DAY! you pushed me over the edge i was clean for 9 months brian i thought i was drug free but no i couldn’t hold back the temptation you were always the one to help but now you’ve gone for good. your a monster your fucking evil everything you have put me through and done and you feel no remorse, no sadness you just carry on living your life as if nothing has happened as if you never met me and like i don’t exist. but i suppose its easier for you that way because if you think i don’t exist you’ll start to believe it so then you don’t have to feel all that guilt. i hope to god karma gets you! id say death needs to consume your life like you consumed me, no thats too easy just kill you then it will be less of a worry for you to have to feel guilty. maybe seeing me day in day out for the rest of your life would be a good punishment maybe i could torment your mind like you did to me or maybe i act like you don’t even exist. How the fuck do i deal with this brian? theres no way out of this. my hearts still breaking its been months and months I’ve barley got my foot out of my bed. i still cry every night will it ever get better? what do you care? its not like your the one who’s suffering.  yeah you joke around saying aha I’m like the joker I’m a fucking physco no no no its no joke you are crazy crazy for throwing what we had away. throwing me away! I’m better than her and I’m worth more than you. or am i?im sick and tired of people breaking my heart and pulling every feeling out of my body. I’m sick of getting hurt. i truly believed you wouldn’t hurt me. how stupid was i? to believe everything you said to let you in and let you just destroy me, nothing you ever said was the truth. i will never be able to hear i love you in the same way anymore it used to be the most heart filled words to me but now its nothing. how can i trust anyone? how can i move on when your on my mind all the time. i hate myself for loving you but yet no matter what i try i cant stop loving you. I’ve wanted to move on I’ve tried. sleeping with those lads was just horrible because it didn’t feel like it did with you. it had no emotion or anything we made love we didn’t just have sex. you cant deny that you loved me you cant deny it. please don’t deny it because i still have hope that you think about me as much as i this about you. was all of this worth it?ci really don’t know but brian i don’t just love you i am in love with you and I’m going off the rails not being with you. you were my spine and now you gone i can barely stand on my own two feet. no matter how hard i pray, beg and hope for us to get back to what we had i know that we cant because we are bad for each other we both want to kill ourselves daily and kill others we are unstable apart and we are a disaster together but sometimes disasters are natural and meant to happen. i can trust myself with you because ill do something crazy to protect you and keep you and i really don’t want to get dragged down. ill never forget the movie you took me to see on my birthday, that was the last time i saw you. the last time i ever will. but i guess this is goodbye. you know i hate saying goodbye because of the fear of missing you but i have to i have to let you go because if i don’t i wont be able to live my life i wont be able to be happy, I’m sorry brian but good bye.