#and i was like great!! i rly need a job atm

[viaetor]

some job interviews never leave my head. [story in tags]

[forsakenmissives]

just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

[leejenowrld]

oh i see!!! thats great advice actually bc when i ask most of my friends who r around the same age group as me, they typically tell me the same things so its great to hear from someone slightly older!!

maybe i just need to wait to mature completely before i date again 😵‍💫 i started dating guys abt the same age as u started dating ur bf, and its crazy & admirable to me how u guys navigated the ups and downs of growing up tgt, bc for me i definitely noticed that change (in terms of growing up) is also a huge factor that affects how my relationships turn out! or maybe its the difference in environment, i live in asia and i’m def not implying anything but having to take a whole lot of national exams this year has really taken a toll on my current relationship and i feel myself losing feelings everyday and honestly i don’t even know why 🥹

i feel horrible for my bf bc i lowk almost don’t want to be in a rs anymore w him as i don’t rly feel the attraction to him but i still care deeply abt him so i’m super lost atm esp since we agreed to wait until ive finished my exams to sort everything out! if u have any advice too that would be great but absolutely no pressure!!!!

and i also want to ask how u split time between ur interest in nct and ur relationship, bc i recently got back into the dreamies after a 2 year break to cope with the stress of my exams and ive realised its kinda hard for me to juggle fangirling and a rs at the same time esp since i keep up with jeno jaemin and jisung 🙂‍↕️

sorry for the rambling!!!!!! i js find that u give great advice 💘

thank you! i try to give good, meaningful advice lol. i might get honest here but don’t take anything to heart <3 i just wanna help as much as i can lol. and why do i feel so old omg 😭 damn how young are you? i hope you’re not a minor… i still feel like a teenager so like

and yeah i feel like relationships you defo need to compromise and mature. two very important, vital things. and yes <3 growing up, so many ups and downs but we managed to get past them!! and true but i feel like when your foundation is so strong then it becomes stronger than the change, i defo feel like me and my bf have been through so much together so we can handle so much.

and oh :( yeah that is a super sad situation. honestly idk what advice i could give cus i’ve never really been in that position before. me and my bf did break up once but we still loved each other, we only broke up cus i was going through so much and everything was so much but we got together again because we never stopped loving each other, if anything our love grew. so like if you’re even doubting that you have feelings for him then i’d say it isn’t a good sign, as you should be sure and confident on it, you know? i feel kinda bad for him ngl cus you said he’s sweet right? 😭 i forgot but yeah don’t break his heart 💔 just be honest and communicate and do whats best for you and him. falling out of love is hard but tbh as i said, always go with your heart! don’t force things as it will end up hurting the two of you more. but maybe you’re just stressed about exams and stuff so i’d wait until they finish then have a really good think about what you want to do and communicate well!!

also i’m ngl i don’t really get that 😭 i feel like i don’t need to split anything because my interest in nct doesn’t take up much at all? and if it comes down to anything, i will always prioritise and five more attention to my boyfriend over anything lol. like yeah, i love jeno, i’m a casual fan of them, but i’m definitely not as deep into them as i used to be. at the end of the day they’re idols, people i don’t know, i can’t trust them or act like i know them (eg proved by the whole taeil situation) so like yeah i don’t force myself to watch all the content and keep up with everything, that’s unnecessary and boring, i only watch and listen to what’s worth my time. i feel like stanning/being into a group defo isn’t a full time job and should only be treated like a hobby 😭 like idk you can fangirl but there can be limits and levels, like you have a life and education and your social life etc, your love for nct (imo) should just be something that’s more casual yk

[darthnell]

11, 19, 28, 30, 42

Hi anon ! Ty for the ask ! :D

11. Link your three favorite fics right now.

Oh god three of mine or three in general..??? Um. A..? I guess I’ll do both !!

Three of mine: True Vengeance, THE REPARATION CLAUSE, The Bridges We Burn

Three of others: The Illusion of Life, A Great Leap in the Dark, Mors Vincit Omnia

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

Oh I bet for sure it’s gonna be “graphic depictions of violence” LMAO. Aside from like. The thg fandom tags. Also “original characters” and “alternate universe”. The “canon-typical violence” tag is also my best friend and i love when I surpass that one. Canon atypical violence. I think ive used that one before but only once so it doesn’t count here, but it is funny. OH- the “careers have issues” tag. Also my best friend<3 really fucking excellent tag

28. On average, how much writing do you get done in a day?

Pshhhhh uhhhh…. I’m actually just coming off of an event where i wrote like 35k in the span of 5 weeks which is. Not typical ! This past week-ish I have written exactly Zero words (: …at like. Normal times, I probably can do a solid 1k or in that ballpark. I have been known to bang out like 3k in a day if I’m rly in the zone (i was Unwell last july LMFAO) but also I rly don’t typically write every day. Would like to! Need to build a new schedule though. Hard for me to write on the days when I work but I only work part time atm. I am also. Kind of a slow writer usually. I’ve only written as much as I have bc I write frequently ! ((Or I try to))

30. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished?

Good god I think I’d perish if I shared rough drafts. Like, on ao3… is that a thing..? So like. My shit isn’t perfect. There’s definitely typos I’ve missed and all that jazz, but I usually heavily edit my chapters before posting. The event I did recently was also like my first time having a beta which was neat but. This is rly silly, bear with me - so I had two separate docs for that, one I wrote the fic in and another that I shared w the betas, because the idea of someone having access to all my rough outlines and watching me on the doc as I write makes me Viscerally uncomfortable, I can’t rly explain it better than that. Anyways, the funny part is, said beta would point out a grammar mistake or typo, and I’d go “nice” and fix it, but forget to fix it on the other doc. So when I. When I posted the fic from the original doc… you can see where this is going maybe. Actual clown idiot moment LMFAO. Tl;dr - I attempt to polish. Doesn’t always turn out shiny jdjddjdk

42. What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

Ooh ! Last one I read was In The Clear by District11-Olive on FFN. So this one is technically thg but very au; it’s set in modern day Canada where a show called The Cut forced teenaged criminals to fight to the death in order to regain their freedom or get a “second chance”. It’s Really well written and also an excellent commentary on what it means to be a criminal and prison systems in general. This one’s actually the third and final installment of the series, wooh! It’s not complete yet; the story just reached the start of the death match part and its so 👁️👄👁️ It’s also a SYOC fic (Submit Your Own Character). Not open for submissions now, but u might see some of my characters if you check it out c:

Gotta also rec The Furthest Star by geologyisms on FFN since I’m in the middle of (re) reading it.. again 🥺 This is the fic I received from the exchange I took part in recently ! So the main pov char Solan Gardener (D9 tribute in the male slot but uses they/them) was created by me but the story was written by erik/geologyisms ! Ve did such a lovely job with my kiddo u should definitely check it out!! 10/10 new comfort fic fr ;—;

Ty again anon for the question, I had fun !!! <3

[videostak]

v optimistic for my future rn :) well dont kno if the record stores gonna close or smthn cause things seem p bleak atm but i kno they could def get better and could just be like business as usual but like cleaning my room out just organizing all my junk n stuff is rly good and am exccited to find a table and start studying again and wanna exercise early again n stuff. and driving is going great tooo. rly hope my record store job continues going well i just need to work hard especially at finding records n stuff cause like it actually does affect business like i found some p good stuff last time at the swap meet. found derek and the dominoes, springsteen, & madonna all for incredibly cheap like the price i find stuff for ther emakes me want to keep it for myself but thats obv not the reason im supposed to be there lol.  but i need to find more shit like that... and not buy so many CDs unless theyre for myself.

[phantomdimension]

Okay there is. So much going on, but long story short: my husband hasn't been able to work lately due to some medical issues (his job is secure, which is great! But that doesn't mean time missed is paid), I can't work, and we're lowkey (highkey) drowning in bills atm.

We've already cut out every 'unnecessary' expense that isn't a free trial, and we went rly light on groceries. But we definitely need some help right now, especially with rent on the 1st and other bills kind of on top of us.

If you can like. Pass us even $1 or reblog this we'd rly appreciate it, if not, dw abt it, I know things are Really tough on everyone rn

Venmo: @. starlightelixir

Cashapp: @. wintermints

[saintobio]

I'm honestly glad Gojou is finally opening his eyes to reality and somewhat seeing what sera truly thinks of him. Here are few of my questions and opinions/statements.

Firstly, I'd love to say that your writing is fantastic and out of this world I would give up my life 10 times over because of your irreplaceable writing.

1 ) We know for a fact that Gojou will learn about y/n's heart condition, will it be soon or a little while before he finds out about her chronic illness?

2) Would Sera actually think about keeping a baby with what's going on in her life? Like her family and the fact that Gojou would loose his job and would have to pay attention to his money if her were to provide for a possible child.

3) Does y/n feel somewhat bad for how she's treating Gojou? I know she's doing it for her health, but does she still feel love for Gojou?

4) Is Gojou legitimately feel remorse for how he's treated y/n or are his intentions for his future CEO position only?

5) Also, how do Getou and Leiri feel about Gojou wanting to make things right with y/n?

6) The detestation y/n's family would feel once they find out about her sickness, they're bound to find out in the future. I would like to know how Gojou's mom would feel if she were to hear word about y/n's health.

I'd like to say a few words to all the Toji simps. Sorry but I have a feeling y/n and Toji are not going to have anything more than a good mentor and student kind of friendship y'know? Like the one between Naruto and Kakashi or sumn' along the lines of that. So they most likely won't have any type of intimate connection. Let alone that Toji lost his wife, he is surely in a great pool of devastation even if it had happened years ago, even y/n isn't over her mother's death. So it's probably not going to happen, then again I'm not the author, just stating the obvious I suppose.

Lastly, I would just like to add that I do feel a bit of sadness for Sera, she lives with an alcoholic parent. That aside though, it's obvious her family overall lives her and is more than grateful for her, it's like the lifestyle of Gojou and y/n is stuck in her head and because she is the mistress she needs to be treated like a queen. You know what she really needs though? To grow up and accept reality. She should just live her life without allowing envy to takeover for the stupidest reasoning possible. She is acting like a child, never once did she stop and think about the ones around her and what they may be going through, no. It always has to be about her. It's honestly unbearable to even read about her at this point. Sera may be the most selfish and self indulged character in this franchise. Even more selfish than the devil himself, Gojou.

Honestly, I don't know why Sukuna is called the king of curses/demons, it should really be Gojou. Sorry for rambling so much, enjoy your day/night ai, remember to take care of your wellbeing, because that is what should always come first. So should your social life, and work and whatnot, just make sure you do what you have to, to not die. Bye!

1) can’t answer :P

2) sera is torn but she’s leaning more on keeping and raising the baby w gojo

3) yn feels extremely bad, you how she is 🥲 like she’s tempted to just give in, hug gojo and forgive him but then she rly has to protect her heart now and she will stick by that (hopefully)

4) he feels genuine remorse, the ceo position isn’t even his priority atm. he rly wants to win yn back.

5) geto and ieiri are neutral. they wanna see first how willing gojo is to make amends with his wife, or if he’s even genuine enough to right his wrongs at all

6) can’t answer

thank u for reading and supporting the fic <33 please take care of urself as well :D

[stylesloveclub]

hi babe yes i am ok! ok ish! like super duper sick atm and getting over a mild mental health crisis but i’m alright! you reading is inspiring me i need to read moreeeeeeeee. i just finished beautiful world where are you and really enjoyed that one! eileen and i are like… the same person it’s weird. i might start song of achilles but i’m not sure! kinda wanna re read the seven husbands of evelyn hugo though because that book is so <3 everything to me<3 and sorry my mind is so foggy right now but did you already start your new job? if so how are you liking it? i hope it’s going well!! i got my bff hired at my job and… it was truly the worst idea i’ve ever had, don’t recommend. my only life advice is own a polaroid camera and don’t work with your best friend. especially when she’s about to move across the country with her sus boyfriend! oh also! i was going to ask you i am in DESPERATE need of recipes because i’m so sick and tired of eating like. only pasta and salad all the time i can no longer do it my body is refusing. so if you have anything good up ur sleeve i will give you my life for them. also need to get off my butt and cook instead of ordering in all time! sorry this message is so long and all over the place my brain is so jumbled right now (though this probably isn’t any more confusing then they normally are i don’t make any sense when i talk ever) oh also i got my nose pierced! hope ur having a good day ilysm! <3

ooo fun nose piercing ! i rly wanna read beautiful world where r u soon !!!! Recently i read : malibu rising, invis life of addie larue, 7 husbands of evhugo, and november 9 ! all of them were amazing except for nov9 i hated it with my whole chest (u saw my goodreads review) .

yes i started my new job but i dont need to go in all week bc we are growing bacteria and they need to grow for like 2 weeks LOL ! i really like the people who work in my lab tho they are so nice and we all wanna go get sushi together <3

recipes ! i have been making spring rolls a lot and they are suuuper duper yummy i always eat em with this delicious sauce and its a great summer food ! its like a salad but wrapped in rice paper and i usually put like shrimp or crab in there as well whenever i want to eat something new i just go onto pinterest and look up yummy recipes and i alwayyyyys end up finding something !

love u love u love u! i have so much more to say but i feel like this is enough for one post LOLKJFOLKAJS

[trickstarbrave]

actually yknow what heres a list of complaints i have abt kink communities as someone who is kinky and heavily criticizes them but everyone keeps dumbing down everything i say as “you just dont like how they have sex”

overuse of slurs. just like everywhere. not in play where u carefully negotiate it just like in casual settings and meet ups. why. and especially slurs they cant complain i see non-romani ppl over use the g slur so much. why. 

oversharing. again in usually casual settings saying things their dom/sub would be cool w but Definitely Shouldn’t Be Shared With Strangers No Context. joking abt how u can hit ur sub as much as u want and its not abuse isnt funny to total strangers thats fucking horrifying 

not respecting boundaries. like all the time. even in kink spaces. i esp see this with male subs bombarding dommes w shit, demanding stuff from them, not listening when she isnt actually doing anything with them atm, or demanding free labor. it happens to multiple performers but dommes esp. 

not behaving OUTSIDE of kink spaces. yes kinky ppl have dif hobbies. yes other ppl are allowed to block u if a majority of ur social media is kink centered and they don’t like it. or they can block u if u think u can make sexual jokes w them they don’t like. you can be asked to remove kink gear in public if its not a kink friendly space. not everyone is okay w every kink 100% of the time. most ppl arent. why do you feel the need to constantly push this boundary w ppl who never asked? just bc ur not doing smth sexually explicit around them doesnt mean they have to deal with it. 

a large influx of young ppl into kink spaces online. like ur 18 years old w a set dom of 4 months???? thats a bit of a red flag for me personally. maybe on occasion there are ppl who have just gotten into it and met a partner they really connected with, or their romantic partner got into kink at the same time. but also this doesn’t happen all the time and i think newbies should rly explore the kink community, esp if they are younger, and not jump into making commitments before they really understand their community and what they like or dislike or what might be an issue. like either you havent explored it enough, or you were all in kink spaces well before you were 18. either way is a :/ from me

ppl genuinely thinking reading kinky writing/fanfiction makes them an active participant in kink. im.... there is a LARGE gap between liking something in fiction and liking it irl. fiction can be a great way to find new things to try out, but if you have never been tied up, how are you sure you like it? youve never been cut with a knife, how are you into knifeplay? do you even understand the safety precautious in full? you dont know what its like to stop a scene and worry if someone needs to go to the hospital. you’ve never been there. stop claiming you get it when you have simply never done it. you can say ur interested and participate in conversations to an extent but ive seen ppl acting like experts bc theyve read about it in a fanfic before. bro. 

dom men going after dominant women. “ill make you submit” sir that’s a domme her job is to not do that. if you want a difficult sub you can find a fucking brat or something. why are you acting like this. this i just dont get but i see it every time w/o fail at least once. who let you in here.

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[sanddancingwithanxiety]

20.6.20

Not rly a training journal as such but just an update

Rly happy with where the two of us are at atm. Justin has had us working on patterns and I think he and I are both finding that that works for us. Me cos I just ride laps and have a tendency to go “oh! he’s being good. fak. what now?” and arthur cos he gets bored and tunes out. So keeping us busy through lots of figures one way then back the other and kinda drilling them a bit and making them harder each time, just making me quicker. And I always avoid things like that bc I have a bad tendency to only do something if he feels prepped and ready to do it WELL. My biggest problem is being like ‘oh I can’t do a shoulder in now cos it’ll be rubbish’ and then I forget that DOING the shoulder in will fix it. Like the exercises exist for a reason bro. 

So anyway we have been keeping busier and it’s been great for us, like we are able to just use our lesson time so much more effectively now? Unfortunately it has meant my rides on my own have a big difference in quality to my lessons which is sad lol. It was a nice confidence boost in that period last year where my rides on my own were actually BETTER than in my lesson (mostly cos the lunge made him firmer on the contact when he was more regularly sucking back). So, sigh, bit sad but it makes sense I should be better in my lessons lol. 

He had a holiday down at @transequeerstrian‘s last week and has come back from that nice and happy. Just 5 days of trails and hacks for some cross training. And the first day I’ve ridden him away from home since... pretty much that time I took him to Vicki’s when I was still agisting at Justin’s. Then we had a couple of training days in the first couple of years of me owning him. But I realised this was actually my first time ever riding him off property without Justin there lol. I was going to take him on a trail ride myself but he was still a bit unsettled that day, so we made the decision before I hopped on to not trail him, but then literally as soon as I tied him up he was calm af and like oh ja I know this routine. Then he was rly good on the lunge and to ride. Not as calm as at home but honestly if I’ve learned anything by now it’s that I ride him a shit tonne better when he’s spicy bc it’s like GIVE HIM A JOB OR ELSE HE WILL SHY AT STUFF whereas at home if I feel super safe I will just dawdle and we’ll do laps. Basically my problem is just laps and doing nothing lol. But I was rly happy that I was able to just move him around and Chris didn’t need to like tell me where he was going all the time cos I could just .. move my horse around. Hooray I can steer my FEI pony. But could definitely tell I’d gotten better cos it had been so long since we’d ridden together. Which is in contrast to me the week before WAAAH I THINK I’VE GOTTEN WORSE THIS YEAR NOT BETTER. lol.

Anyway I’m so happy with where we are rn that I’ve asked if for the rest of Winter, unless he’s super tense/there’s stuff going on next door, on my Saturday lessons I just hop straight on to get an extra 10 mins of riding time into my week. I do need practise at warming him up myself effectively and just more hours in the saddle (cos Winter our schedule is like: 3 rides w Justin, 2 lessons w Justin where he rides the first 10 mins, 1 ride on my own where I lunge first, then Summer is 2 rides, 2 lessons, then I ride him 2x on my own). 

The canter is still an issue. We are getting all the transitions now and also doing walk to canter transitions. The left canter is fairly collected and under control - we’re able to do travers to shoulder in and back and forth on the circle now, but the right isn’t great. My main thing is I just lose him and he drops out, then I’m too wishy washy and let him just trot fast for a circle til I bring him back, instead of being like OI you’re staying with me and going back in NOW. So we need to work on my OI skills lol. I need to get him to the point where it’s just ‘now that you’re in canter, you’re staying in until I tell you otherwise’. 

I had a sat on Louis last week down at Chris’ and was very jealous of him staying in canter with approximately 0 help from me (cos i’m busy going how tf do i move my body to this smol canter) and also that we went back to trot and i didn’t proceed to get YEETED lol. So that gave me homework. 

[textsacc]

mm 🥺 nvm bestie i cant sleeb i have a lot to say n think abt

like how when i put my head down on a pillow n close my eyes i can rly see mc and its bad idw to 🥺 n also now im feeling regret for playing mc im so upset bc i cant seem to feel good abt being able to play games

mmm n also i felt bad trying to sleeb bc i missed u n miss sleebbing w u but was playing mc and i prefer u to minecraft and its just !!!! bad that i had to focus on minecrafr

like i didnt even get to ask u abt ur day or anth i ddint get to tell u that u did a great job w the party i didnr get to ask how u celebrated. u know what i also realize while laying down. i didnt even get to ask u out this summer n im so frustrated bc sch is starting for u n idw interrupt your schedule but i wanna do stuff now that im finally not busy and its just!!! its just a whole mess!!! i dont like it,,, i just wanna spend time tgt n cuddle,,,

i was only reading some manga today, regular fantasy isekai, called reincarnation of a sword, but i hated how the story progressed so i just. got rly mad at the state of my life rn idk???? tired n upset abt it n also i miss u n like cant believe i want to prioritize u above all else no joke its kind of }:v mood??? idk

n also i wanted to ask for clash but like thats secondary

jn me in mc i was playing w kon n sab n we were killing the ender dragon n also raiding some cities aft that. which is rly high pressure bc theres a lot of enemies after me n its rly easy to die AND i was the only one raiding it bc kon n sab cldnt help as much so they took forever while trying to get to a place i alr cleared out. i was trynna go fast n get the impt stuff for them n get out bc we all hated the place. n they yelled at me for stealing the show n flexing ig

tmr ill b going to sabs house bc they wanna hang out b4 going to nex to eat dinner w yee. and that sounds rly nice but at the same time i feel rly burnt out for sm reason. yes its 4am ig thats probably why i feel awful but. idk i also want cuddles n kisses ig. i wan cute girl (you) n im sorry i didnt get to see u off to sleeb 🥺 i rly wanted to n i was trynna raid asap so i cld but ik ur good girl n sleeb early bc school n i respect that so its nbd but i also rly like u n i wanna tuck u into bed n its like so routine that i miss u dearly at night n also it feels wrong when i cant. like if every day was a chapter you wld b my ending paragraph and if u werent there it wld feel like the chapter ended with tension. idk does that make any sense

also i wanted to lyk that like. im still talking to katelyn right bc of the site n we're friends but like. bestie. i need u to know i forgot to spell her name when we were talking. the aftnoon like 3 to 4 days ago when u were like gonna go ask katelyn or smth. she was going to sleeb bc our aftnoon is usa sleeby time i think and she said goodnight to me with my name but i cldnt mirror it back. i dont know why i thought it was kaitlyn (league of legends???) but ik i dont rmb how to spell it and the fact that u did makes me rly upset platonically and impressed every other manner. because i fucking didnt. 😭 just ic u wanna know how much shes on my mind (shes not. i miss u a whole lot. i want to sleeb w u agn)

bestie i hope ur day at sch goes okay 🥺🥺 n ill sleeb early w u i promise im not even gonna touch mc past 11 any more idk why it makes me feel sick but ik it does n im just. i want to stop feeling awful n up at 3 to 6 am during the hols. i miss you a lot n if i cld i wld like to follow u everywhere n help u out 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 pls keep me close like ur pet or ur little meow meow,,,

ilysm cutie 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i wish i was cuddling u instead of blahaj atm even if he is comfy. i wan giv u so many kiss n brush ur hair n tell u ur cute n go head empty i always go head empty when ur arnd and i like that... ure an angel 🥺🥺🥺🙏❤️

thank u bestie gnight 🥺🥺🙏

[shytiff]

September 2021

1 - MTBS 0 pt. tried out kopsus from jannor coffee with gofood pickup promo (10k). it tasted nutty and yummy even though it seems to use regular milk. but its kinda hot. the ac was not satisfactory. finished up the word for Prof. bought jasuke on the way back. filled out IDI form since i still have energy. 

2 - mtbs again but this time its 3 patients at the same time. vcalled with kris. bought some snacks in hypermart. exercised a bit and played badminton with renata. watched 3 eps of nanno. 

3 - my body aches and it will be wonderful to sleep again but its already 6:40. usila today. the ac in kamar jaga was no longer cold. finally finished moms box of brownies from like 2 weeks ago. read dear benjamin. got to enjoy some silence because i napped before maghrib and the others slept early. 

4 - vaccine in GCD with teh fitri, teh fany and teh rahmi. about 440ish patients. gossiped about cibeber lmao. watched the hitman’s bodyguard. samuel and ryan was hilarious. 

5 - morning walk with renata. saw cilegon’s cfd. cleaned up the room accompanied by howl’s soundtrack. made spaghetti with instant bolognese sauce, egg and cheese. o seven with tri nagita. just saw prof’s email from 2nd sept, shit. tried to get some headspace to do ppt.

6 - bp with nessa (originally kia/ugd). except therere some patients in ugd lol. did excision for clavus (1st timer!) and hecting. fried tempe (1st timer!) using someone’s leftover oil lmaooo

7 - BP with zihan. had spaghetti combined with cheese egg and mom’s chicken for lunch. instant bloating :). drank hot matcha to curb the bloat. planked. ate muesli lol. did not do anything significant today :( started the origin of species. 

8 - vaccine today except it starts at 10:30 since we’re waiting for the mayor. so i hung out on the screening table since the doctor room was hot. vaccine with dr lutfi. watched homcha and nanno. fell asleep

9 - vaccine with bang esa and other staffs in smp 8 cikerai. its apparently the highest point in cikerai. finished at 12-ish pm and we ate buffet lunch lol. made matcha latte again. this time with almost 1 spoon of sugar so it tastes good. i missss matcha. read 1 webinar ppt so i guess thats a little but its something. rip attention span

10 - usila. tried A BIT of duren from bu Tur for dr isip but its enough to make me retch lmao. was given labbaik chicken by bu oo. Some exercise. rly tried to make some progress but my brain just cant seem to muster

11 - kia/ugd. Some ugd patients. Spaghetti for lunch yay. Originally intended to go to cafe but i ended up falling asleep :) tried to get some progress for PPT. Involved a lot of staring into nothing. Slept at like 00:30ish am

12 - morning walk slash jog. The jogging track was finally open. Went to jannor. Ordered kopsus and meatball potato dish with gofood takeaway promo (spent a total of 30k) . The staff kindly asked whether i want to eat there or to actually takeaway lol. The meatball truly tasted like meat. The mashed potato was a bit dry. The weather was grey and cloudy, exactly my favorite. First time cooking kangkung

13 - vaccine today. 20-ish patients. Alone in kamar jaga since nessa went to mass vaccine. Zoom call with Prof. Dyed my hair blue in flow salon (1200K). got free manicure, It took 5 hrs 😅. another firsts in life. both the nail tech and hair tech said my hair was dry lmao. arrived in mess at 9ish pm. ordered nasgor in front of mess

14 - mi rebus for bfast. not too much patients for vaccine so i finished at like 10 am. napped at kamar jaga. got free rice box from dr arief etc yay :)))) got mochacinno at jannor. tried to do sumn useful but cannot. still no ppt progress aaa. watched homcha ep 6 together

15 - vaccine in al hanif. tried chicken-cakwe porridge near the school. the school was an all girls school, with ppl wearing long veils. tried to fit the placement test from cakap (12-1 pm) during the vaccination lol. had to excuse myself to the ssaem during photo sesh. napped so i could see the 17 pm cakap class but i ended up napping until close to 18 :) saw the 19 am class with lukas ssaem

16 - spaghetti for bfast. usila today. this dumbass forgot to wear komin and wore her rubber slip ons. turns out theres some money from al hanif vaccine. which is great bcs there’s literally no paper money in my wallet lmaoo. rested a bit. dr eva called and she gave me a ppt and chapter book job. sheeet theres no progress yet of Prof’s ppt. a wake up call. whatsapped with frends that planned to go to cilegon this weekend, but it ended up being the next weekend. thank god, because dr eva’s ppt deadline is 24th sept. set myself up on a spot in the vanity table so i can work in a chair (i frfr find it difficult to work on my own bed)

17 - some patients in UGD. Slept while waiting for 2 pm. Held off my sleepiness for zoom with dr Eva. 5pm cakap class. Matcha latte. 7pm zoom w dr eva. Fell asleep after that

18 - bp. Turns out teh imey also dyed her hair. cakap class abt bts' spring day lol. Worked on dr eva's ppt

19 - jogged a bit. had kopsus (20K) and fish fillet rice (27K). finished dr eva’s ppt with the given material so far. napped in mess. dr eva also revised the ppt on the same day so there’s 2 slides left (patient clinical profile and conclusion). took some time for me to get the headspace to work on ppt so i started prof’s ppt at like 7-ish. only got 1 slide. stayed awake until 11ish but i basically stopped doing useful stuff at 9 TT TT

20 - vaccine today, finished at 10 am. lounged around. went to bni to check on m-banking, still system error. transferred 3mil from my BNI atm to muamalat. tried nasi goreng roa and cakalang with added chicken shreds (20K). so goood. conversed with nessa zihan. did not open my laptop at all :) stopped by at rodalink bcs nessa wanted to buy a bike. drank matcha latte in an effort to curb sleepiness. worked on Prof’s ppt. fried the frozen kebab (35K) i bought from teh Rahmi. 

21 - vaccine P3K w teh yeni teh rahmi mas oim. 3 patients. Ate some gorengan and talked lol. Did the abstract and ppt for dr eva. Worked on Prof's ppt.

22 - usila w mas oim. Had banana, bolu and protein for bfast. Ordered nasgor roa cakalang from bakuku for lunch. Felt suuuuper sleepy afterwards. Wanted to sleep again in mess but couldnt. Washed my shitton of clothes with washing machine. Heavyyy. Worked more on PPT. Too much denial this week

23 - picked some groceries @ bu rum. Kia/ugd today. Its been a while since i last checked DJJ. Successful first attempt but fail in the 2nd bcs the baby is still floating. Cooked meat and veggies with nessren. Jannor and kopsus again. Worked on ppt til my head hurts. Its a little bit more to gooo.

24 - bp. Made myself bento with nugget and left over veggies. Finished the smol details of the ppt and finally sent it. Watched shangchi @ transmart w chillegone. The film was fun! We cooked soup at mess and tri made perkedel. Watched homcha ep7. Slept

25 - Vaccine but there was no vaccine, so I went to UKK @ villa ternak cikerai with pkm peeps. its like opening a clinic but somewhere in hills area. got treated to bakso and tempe mendoan afterwards. lazed around in my bed, with no info from jkt friends who wanted to visit but suddenly they arrived lmao. went to amaris to catch up with them. thankfully it was not hourly parking. ate at saung bonang near the billiard place with heri joining us. total bill for five was 126 lmao its rly pocket friendly. heri borrowed my motorbike bcs his friend’s place doesnt have car park. thank god we brought the bike

26 - me and racheel went downstairs to get the hotel bfast. packed fruits, tempe and bread upstairs lol. put our stuffs in royal krakatau. took maxim to pulau kecil. turns out pak asep changed his number. it was raining there, so we sat a bit and got mie rebus. had lunch at amirang (my treat). there was only us inside. the food was okay but the meat was rly overpriced for its amount. went back to the hotel. went to indomaret and mess with racheel to get my stuff. my stupid impatient ass dropped atikah’s brand new iphone while pulling the hotel towel from the bathroom rack. im sorryyyyy. racheel and i swam until maghrib. atikah told us abt her boy “friend”. slept early at like 9-10ish with the usual width but longer leg space

27 - and suddenly its time to go to puskesmas. asked nessa to bring my shoes. said goodbye to friends. BP. there were a lot of patients. kanayam for lunch. i bought shades lol bcs i commute against the sun in the morning. cakap club. watched homcha. fell asleep

28 - vaccine. finished at like 10:30. tried to go to bni to install mbanking but the queue was like 20 ppl. did the outline for the red book. liqo with kak kartika. zoom meeting with dr eva. fell asleep again

29 - vaccine in sma 3 cilegon (cikerai) with bang esa and others. finished at like 2-ish pm. got 750K hehehe. mentoring with dr. Arnadi about KKD and HHS. bought rotbak with nessa. showered and cleaned and fell asleeep

30 - cooked tempe with leftover kanayam chili sauce. bp again. saw interesting cases today, such as fixed drug eruption. bought phd from gofood promo. went to jannor and got the usual kopsus with added espresso (since the min amount for gofood pick up promo was 25k). tried to do prof’s script but cannot, so i searched the literatures needed for dr eva’s project

[babiewonho]

I’m having a really bad night and reading your ramble analysis stuff is really soothing,, cld u like just,,, talk abt changkyun and Hyunwoo n their relationship, or like,, anything,, I don’t rlly have anything else to distract me

oooh first n Foremost i’m sorry ur having a bad night n i hope things look up really soon!!! things will be alright!! i’m sending u love and light…healing energies…secondably of course! i hope me typing this out doesn’t take too long if ur needing a distraction..:( mwah

mmm changkyun and mister son hyunwoo…faschinating…first of all my favorite thing about them is that changkyun has this thing for hearing comments ppl make under their breath or in the bg,,,like rather than focusing on the Main Events he focuses on th other stuff that’s happening so sometimes shownu says something funny and then changkyun laughs n repeats it asjfasjfasf and he’s so amused i remember Specifically one time this happened was during one of their earlier interviews during trespass era i’ll have to find a link…but minhyuk was like “this reward is so great it’ll make u quit ur jobs” and shownu was like “but we just started…” and ck was like LMFAO…shownu said we just started….classique…asjfaoisfjas but also when shownu gets complimented he gets very obviously happy and usually goes “oh, really?” AND CHANGKYUN THINKS THAT’S SO FUNNY ASFJASF HE’S LIKE “HE LIKES IT!!!” he just thinks it’s so funny how shamelessly happy shownu gets abt compliments jafsoifas mm they were chosen as the most awkward members on right now n even though that was a while ago and was probably true to some degree i think what’s probably more accurate is theyre both really quiet n they appreciate that dynamic they have like i don’t think they’re super chatty when theyre together i’d imagine they just say things once in a while and it’s a really comfortable silence!! two men scrolling on their phones,, a sup node 2 remind each other theyre alive…

my hip Isn’t in place wow their friendship is so powerful it knocked my hip out your faves cld never FJASKFAJSFIAS also they’re so cute like changkyun litearlly is just out here gnawing on shownu’s arm SHARP TEEF nad shownus just like yea…LIKE I MADE A POST ABT THIS BEFORE BUT I’LL NEVER GET OVER HOW EVERYONE ACTED LIKE CHANGKYUN LITERALLY FEASTING ON SHOWNU’S MEATY BICEPS WAS COMPLETELY NORMAL…THEY WERE SO UNPERTURBED I FELT AS THOUGH IT WAS I WHO WAS THE ODD ONE OUT FOR NOT BITING HIS ARM…

i think shownu n changkyun have a rly comfy relationship like…they can rly just relax and not feel pressured to talk when theyre together but they get along well and i think changkyun is especially endeared by shownu like EVERYONE is endeared by shownu but changkyun in particular laughs at his antics sometimes and is so amused afkasfjsf and shownu is just always like changkyun is so unique….which is so funny afjasfisj they’re both really patient…and it’s funny bc they have the biggest age difference but i dont think you can feel it that much at least i dont? bc changkyun doesnt act like a traditional maknae very much askfjasf he’s very…mature he has an old soul and he’s definitely a baby in his heart but he has a view of himself as this like cool more serious guy and he wont Embrace the baby but i believe in him..BUT ALSO…N THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT GOES AGAINST WHAT I JUST SAID…i feel like changkyun falls into a really natural sort of…cuteness around shownu?? like i don’t think it’s on purpose or like aegyo or charming him i think he just like the cuteness naturally oozes out of him…i had to use a gross word ,, but my brain wont provide me not gross alternatives atm…BUT HE’S SO CUTE…he just feels younger he Changes…he has this rly pretty smile…that i feel like he only has when he Feels younger…that’s intereschting…whomst here would like to do an analysis on body language and different facets of personality…i call it a babie smile but maybe it truly is one…

i think shownu feels like changkyun is dependable dongsaeng and he thinks he’s cute and funny and UNPREDICTABLE on one radio shownu had to write a “user manual” for changkyun n that just means like he had to say how to handle changkyun basically n he was like “he’s uncontrollable n he just bounces around” n changkyun was like yea…but basically i think it’s really special that they can be close despite an age difference of…4 years ? that’s not that big but considering it’s the largest in the group if they had a different group dynamic it might be more tangible…i think theyre really cute n now that u brought up them together i wish there were more like…videos of them n clips of them together…i just watched a second of them playing with the raccoons together and theyre really so sweet…also i think when changkyun is around shownu he feels more of a need to point things out to him to get feedback…which is really really cute… he’s just a babie trying to get his hyung’s attention n approval…n also occasionally snack on him

[maisietheyellowlab]

Time for a life update! just bc I feel like writing it down, not like anyone asked tbh. Long post ahead, just so u know, if u decide to continue reading. Mostly abt mental health and related stuff.

Ok so I’ve been complaining about my mental health for the past year probably and about 3 weeks ago I finally had my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I initially needed a note from him so I can continue studying next year bc I was abset a lot etc. but I also wanted to see a professional, bc I kept on going between “ok this is not normal I feel really bad” and “I’m just whining and makign stuff up I’m just lazy not ill”. Turns out he agrees how I’ve been feeling is not normal, so I can rely on that and not get lost in the “I’m jsut making it up” circle all the time. He did say that it could be depression or, and I rly didn’t exect this, a longer lasting burn out. Like I always thought I wasn’t doing enough, not that I was doing too much, but I guess full time studying + work + taking care of a dog + activities + living on my own (w some helps tho) could be overwhelming. 

I didn’t wanna try meds right away, so he suggested I try to push myself a bit when I don’t feel like going outside or meeting up with people, try some exercise that I haven’t abused for ed like behaviors yet, and just try to do things that make me happy like dog training classes and drawing and all that stuff. I have a check up in January but if it gets worse I can call before.  I’ve started to do a bit of yoga, honestly thought I wouldn’t like it bc ppl make it seem super insanely spiritual sometimes, but it feels really nice and calming so far. I’ve said yes to a trip to bf’s friend’s place at the seaside for his birthday, knowing there would be 8 or more people, half or more of which I don’t know, which sounded overwhelming and uncomfortable, and it turned out just fine, so I’m pushing the social aspect a little too. I used to be p ok with this but I get anxious with many new ppl and kidna shut down sometimes so this was a much better outcome than expected. Not perfect, but I was relaxed most of the time which is GREAT. Oh and I’m gonna start an 6-8 week program with a dog trainer with Maisie, bc she’s developed a few “problems” in the past few months, (mostly it’s just that some of the behaviors we trained for weren’t well proofed, so it’s all messy now, nothing huge tho, it’s jsut annoying on walks mostly) bc I wasn’t as consistent or got stuck with training at some point bc I can’t really see what I’m doing wrong myself, so I’m really excited about that! 

Oh, and I’m giving myself some time to not work or look for a job, bc I never let myself take a break with work bc it makes me extremely anxious when I know I’m not able to work yet but then I think I *have to* just bc everyone else is working and financially taking care of themselves (which is not entirely true and ppl who I compare myself to are mostly mentally and physically healthy so...). I’m lucky enough to have some savings and bf’s got my back too, so I can afford this work break rn. So I guess this is all kind of looking up right now..

On the other hand, my grandpa is getting more and more passive like generally in life, has some sort of psychotic-like episodes at night sometimes and he’s prob not gonna live very long, at least that my family thinks. And my bf’s mom had a cancerous tumor in her colon, which has been removed already, but she’ll prob have to do chemo too. She doesn’t wanna talk about it either and jsut wants to tell everyone that everything is fine but it isn’t, like, you have cancer, maybe tell someone and let us help if we can.... I mean but ok, everyone deals w stuff in their own way I guess. the grandpa thing isn’t as worrisome to me bc I’m not very close to him and it’s more natural, like he’s been healthy and p happy all his life.. Bf’s mom on the other hand worries me a lot. She’s so helpful and kind, ofc she has her flaws but she’s a wonderful person and I really hope she’ll be ok. 

Anyways tho, I’m trying to stay hopeful, bc a LOT of cancer petients survive and live well (like my grandma, she’s had breast cancer 3 yrs ago and seems to be doing really well now) + she’s a doctor herself and I’m hoping she caught the tumor in the earlier stages and has more chances to live. And she knows doctors so she’ll definitely get very good treatment. 

So my goals are to become more active again, be a bit more social, do more dog training and other things I like, finish my last semester of my bachelor’s psychology program in spring/summer, write my bachelor’s thesis in a year (or before if I’ll have to, I guess) AND get well enough to finally get the puppy #2. 

Tbh, the puppy motivates me the most by far, bc my education doesn’t really make me happy, but Maisie really does and I wanna explore more of the dog world with her and another pup. I don’t think I really want to work in the field of psychology anyways, I realized I’m much more drawn to jobs that involve dogs and are more hands on, but I have no idea how to get there atm. Dog stuff jsut makes me excited for life

[drummingz]

1 through 200 BINCH TIME FOR PAYBACK

(( ask meme under cut !!! ))

200: My crush’s name is: dda;;a nNNy;y199: I was born in: the usa198: I am really: gay197: My cellphone company is: one that i hate196: My eye color is: hazel195: My shoe size is: 5 ½ apparently194: My ring size is: wat193: My height is: 5′1″192: I am allergic to: nothing191: My 1st car was: :)190: My 1st job was: :)189: Last book you read: waarrrrioorr  ca,,attss188: My bed is: decent . my mom got it w/out considering wat i thought was comfy so187: My pet: 4 dogs & 40 guinea pigs186: My best friend: ghsgg i cant decide i hav a lot of best friends 185: My favorite shampoo is: i184: Xbox or ps3: ps3183: Piggy banks are: functional but i only use them for cosmetics182: In my pockets: i dont have pockets atm181: On my calendar: i never mark my calender bc i always forget180: Marriage is: a possibility for the future179: Spongebob can: absorb water178: My mom: is an abusive sack of shit177: The last three songs I bought were? :3c176: Last YouTube video watched: grian build battle175: How many cousins do you have? i prob have more but ive only ever met like 2174: Do you have any siblings? yeah but theyre all half siblings & i never grew up with them173: Are your parents divorced? nah172: Are you taller than your mom? not by a long shot171: Do you play an instrument? i learned recorders in school … and i have a guitar …i dont rly play it tho170: What did you do yesterday? streamed w icey!!!! @god-kit & thn drew a bunch !!![ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: lol hell no168: Luck: kinda167: Fate: kinda166: Yourself: r u joking165: Aliens: yeah164: Heaven: eh163: Hell: eh162: God: kinda161: Horoscopes: kinda . i dont really believe it but its fun to find similarities in urself and ur zodiacs .160: Soul mates: kinda159: Ghosts: yeah158: Gay Marriage: um lmao yeah??? anyone who thinks otherwise pls unfollow me157: War: like ice said i dont believe it should happen but i know it still exists156: Orbs: oworbs?155: Magic: yeah my brothers a witch[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: both153: Drunk or High: high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: i dont have a preference150: Blondes or Brunettes: still dont have a preference149: Hot or cold: cold bc at least u can warm up . its much harder to cool down when ur hot148: Summer or winter: winter147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate145: Night or Day: both have their ups & downs144: Oranges or Apples: apples i hate oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont have a preference142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: both140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: flips138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet & poor137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi136: Hillary or Obama: i dont really get super involved in politics so i dont really have a preference135: Burried or cremated: cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing even tho im bad @ that too133: Coach or Chanel: wh132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: r these celebrities131: Small town or Big city: big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: target bc wal-mart is smely & got rid of littlest pet shops >:(129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: no one bc idk who ben stiller is128: Manicure or Pedicure: i never learned the difference so idk127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast bc west is a better word than east126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags123: Yankees or Red Sox: plz[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: i dont really have a fleshed out opinion on war i think its bad tho121: George Bush: dont wanna get into politics but i dont like him120: Gay Marriage: im 120% for it but it shouldnt Have to be a law to be a thing lmfao119: The presidential election: needs major improvement118: Abortion: its good for ppl who need or want the option!! pro choice !!!117: MySpace: YourSpace?116: Reality TV: i have a soft spot for reality shows115: Parents: ive never met good parents , only heard of them . good parents r cryptids114: Back stabbers: i hope they choke113: Ebay: its where i got my chowder keychain so its ok i guess112: Facebook: its boring111: Work: dont have an opinion yet110: My Neighbors: i dont trust them109: Gas Prices: i dont have a car so i dont really care108: Designer Clothes: i dont . care . theyre super overpriced tho & cater to skinny people107: College: wish it wasnt so expensive106: Sports: dont care105: My family: hate them104: The future: im not gonna have a future bc of my mom[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: 102: Last time you ate: yesterday101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: 100: Cried in front of someone: 99: Went to a movie theater: december 201698: Took a vacation: uhhh that was literal years ago & we just took a short trip to colorado springs for like a week97: Swam in a pool: i dont remember96: Changed a diaper: never95: Got my nails done: depends94: Went to a wedding: never93: Broke a bone: neVER AND I HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY92: Got a peircing: april 201691: Broke the law:90: Texted: it depends[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: danny88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my piggies & dogs87: The last movie I saw: a horror movie i dont remember the name of86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: nothing lol my lifes going nowhere85: The thing im not looking forward to: having to suffer through life84: People call me: grizz83: The most difficult thing to do is: be alive82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: no81: My zodiac sign is: scorpio (or virgo , depending on which version you use)80: The first person i talked to today was: icey @god-kit​79: First time you had a crush: first grade78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: icey @god-kit​, danny77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: no one75: What are you going to do when you grow up: idk74: I have/will get a job: idk73: Tomorrow: idk72: Today: draw71: Next Summer: idk70: Next Weekend: idk69: I have these pets: 4 dogs & 40 guinea pigs68: The worst sound in the world: idk67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my mom i hate her66: People that make you happy: all of my friends65: Last time I cried: two nights ago64: My friends are: the best 63: My computer is: cool ig62: My School: LOL61: My Car: i dont have one60: I lose all respect for people who: are shitty59: The movie I cried at was: inside out58: Your hair color is: brown but its so dark it looks black57: TV shows you watch: we bare bears , chowder56: Favorite web site: sparklecare hospital55: Your dream vacation: idk54: The worst pain I was ever in was: being alive53: How do you like your steak cooked: idk52: My room is: messy51: My favorite celebrity is: no one50: Where would you like to be: in a grave49: Do you want children: maybe idk48: Ever been in love: yeah . and most of them were terrible47: Who’s your best friend: wasnt this question already asked46: More guy friends or girl friends: idk45: One thing that makes you feel great is: my friends being happy 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: danny , icey , panda43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: no40: Last person I got mad at: idk39: I would like to move to: idk38: I wish I was a professional: artist[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: chocolate36: Vehicle: idk35: President: idk34: State visited: colorado33: Cellphone provider: sprint32: Athlete: idk31: Actor: idk30: Actress: idk29: Singer: owl city28: Band: imagine dragons27: Clothing store: idk26: Grocery store: idk25: TV show: chowder , we bare bears24: Movie: inside out23: Website: sparklecare hospital22: Animal: guinea pigs , bears , dogs21: Theme park: worlds of fun20: Holiday: christmas , halloween19: Sport to watch: idk18: Sport to play: wii tennis17: Magazine: woman’s world but only for the sudoku16: Book: i only ever got into magic tree house , warrior cats , and percy jackson so idk15: Day of the week: thursday14: Beach: idk13: Concert attended: never12: Thing to cook: i cant cook11: Food: spaghetti10: Restaurant: golden corral9: Radio station: idk8: Yankee candle scent: idk7: Perfume: idk6: Flower: idk5: Color: green4: Talk show host: idk3: Comedian: idk2: Dog breed: chow chows1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yeah