#and i try hard not to be like oh life isnt fair but it isnt? he didnt deserve to die and as shit a person as i am i didnt deserve to have to

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

Oh god now that toh ends with luz being able to travel between worlds ppl are using that to dunk on amphibia. And now that belos died ppl are using that to dunk on su.

They are different shows people! They have different themes! Amphibia is a classic take on isekai as escapism! Marcy went to amphibia to avoid her real life and while she had fun she didnt mature until after she accepted she needed to embrace change in her life! Anne matured in amphibia bc she always recognized that she has her own life to get back to! Sasha matured after realizing that too! Leaving amphibia for good means to embrace the step out of childhood! Something thats inevitable for everyone!

The owl house is about finding a community in midst of ostracization! Luz stayed in the boiling isles because she found people who accepted her quirks! The boiling isles was in danger from a bigot and luz helps her new community defeat him! Its a very queer story! Community is the center of the story so it makes sense for luz to be able to go back to the boiling isles since shes maintaining her place in the community!

Steven universe is about choosing to be kind! Its that everyone has their own specific traumas that they can overcome with the right support! Its about surviving in a world of bigots at any cost, even if it you have to work with the bigots to carve out a space for the people you love! Because people like you exist and theres nothing anyone in power can do about it! Its also a very queer story! The diamonds can never stamp out the off colors because they will always be there! Steven works with the diamonds not because he likes them but because they can improve the world for his family if only he could get through to them! Hes rewarded for choosing to be kind with success because the theme of the show is hope! Hope that anyone can change! But even though the diamonds stop being fascist steven still doesnt like them because its not about forgiveness! Its about fixing things! Stevens just polite about it!

The owl house starts off with the assumption that everyone can change but its not about the potential its about the willingness to change! The focus is on belos, whos had every chance to turn his life around but will never admit that hes wrong! And the show posits that if someone isnt willing to change theyre not worth helping! Its not about whether or not the character is fascist its about if theyre willing to stop being fascist! Several characters stop being fascist and are welcomed by the characters with open arms belos just wasnt one of them! Several characters clean up their acts but dont adequately address the previous harm they did and are STILL fully forgiven eventually! For toh forgiveness is paired with fixing things you just need to give it time!

And theres an argument that some of these shows didnt do their themes well. If you wanted to portray amphibia as an escapism world that the girls need to leave behind to get to their richer futures then having them get such caring found families go against that by giving them a potential of a good life in the isekai world. Steven universe uses the diamonds as metaphors for mental illness and relationships but its hard to stick with that when you also need to consider the countless other gems they hurt. I think its also fair if people prefer one theme over another.

But a lot of stuff i see comparing these shows just go over surface similarities? Like oh shit! These two shows have the same character archetypes! They have the same inciting incident! This must mean that theyre exactly the same in everything but names and artstyle and are trying to say the exact same things! Like. No. Sometimes,,,,,two stories,,,,,,can talk about two different things,,,,,,,

[hogtiedwhorestories]

i get what i want. i always have. every man that i wanted, i made sure to make him mine. my roommate knows this very well. she has always been trying to find that right guy, so she is always bringing guys to the apartment. this has always been great for me, creating a long line of guys that i can have my pick from. compared to her, i know these guys would rather be with me. i know this because if its a guy i want to sleep with, i make it happen. this has caused a bit of a riff between me and my roommate, but the way i see it, im giving her a lesson in the real world. life isnt always fair, and the hot girl always comes out on top.

thats why when she brought her latest guy to the apartment, i knew i had to have him. not only was he a hottie, but he is a doctor. jackpot! no way am i letting this guy get away. you better believe i fucked him after a couple visits to the apartment. i think this one really upset her. once she found out, i dont think ive ever seen her that mad before. oh well. she will eventually get over it. she always does.

ok. maybe not this time. maybe i really stepped over a line? the bitch drugged my drink and i woke up bound and gagged! once i get out these ropes, this is bitch is going down...although its going to be a little hard to get out of these ropes. she has me stuffed in this suitcase. while cramped into this small suitcase she explains how she researched online auctions for this kind of stuff? sounds like im going overseas?! this can not be happening!! i pleaded with her, i tried to apologize, but i dont think she understood me with the duct tape sealing my mouth. i guess the hot bitch doesnt always get what she wants...

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[cerealmonster15]

IM GOING TO TALK ABOUT ALHAITHAM AND KAVEH AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this fuckin argument kaveh and alhaitham have on the port ormos bulletin board

it's one of those instances where kaveh and alhaitham are arguing and alhaitham is saying that like, while he disagrees with kaveh lol, he also doesnt deny theres truth to what kaveh says.

but i also think it's funny how alhaitham is like "end of conversation. ALSO-" like bitch you kept going IMMEDIATELY fkjsjfklds and then that stupid bit where theyre like "he said this" "he did not fucking say that" "he did" "no he didnt fuck you" "he did give me a month ill prove it!!!!" THEYRE FIGHTING LIKE CHILDREN ON A PUBLIC MESSAGE BOARD😭😭😭

also i have this one bit stuck forever in my mind from kavehs hang out

[video source i screenshot from]

MAYBE im reading into it way too much bc i have terminal haikaveh brain. maybe. BUT!!!! art is subjective i can do what i want :^) anyway i think a lot about this part because TO ME it sounds like kaveh keeps assuming the worst from alhaitham - makes sense, they argue all the time and they def have a turbulent relationship. HOWEVER!!!!! while alhaitham does like poking fun at kaveh and gets annoyed with him dskjfdsklf i FEEL LIKE theres an implication that he like, does not enjoy seeing kaveh suffer the way kaveh just assumes he does.

like here, kaveh is like oh, youre not hoping to see me make a fool of myself are you >:(?? just bc alhaitham was like. in a location unexpectedly. lol. and then alhaithams phrasing is just so specific where he like, doesnt say yes but doesnt say no either lol. hes like "oh so you think i get joy from seeing you in pain day in and day out? well if that were true id be entertained always because youre always in distress"

but like. I DUNNO MAYBE IM BEING STUPID BUT JKSDLFJDKL to ME it felt like he was deflecting the question. to be fair it was a silly question so maybe alhaitham didnt think it worth answering lololol but like "are you here to watch me struggle" "why do you assume i enjoy you struggling" is the vibe i get. but then with bullying also bc alhaitham is still poking at him and his distresses lol jdkslfdskl

and then like the moment the traveler is about to be like "kavehs feeling sad" and kaveh tries to deflect it, i personally think alhaitham managed to come up with a distraction to get kaveh to walk away for a minute so he could hear about kavehs troubles bc hes IMMEDIATELY LIKE

ok now that hes gone tell me about kaveh and his issues. and then goes on to explain kaveh and his behavior

and there are SEVERAL INSTANCES i mean this is an obvious thing lol but like, many such cases where kaveh and alhaitham will be like "yeah this guy is incredibly smart but his personality is fucking unbearable" i just enjoy that as much as they rag on each other theyre still like "no he is a genius though im not gonna deny that" AND ALSO [help]

alhaitham says stuff like this a few times, i think hes got a teapot line or so where he says similar things 🤔 but hes like "yeah people go about their lives doing different things and thats fine everyone should stay in their lane as long as theyre not disrupting the lives of others" AND YET!!!!!!!!!!!! he and kaveh endlessly fight with each other on how they go about their lives. trying to get the other to see their way of thinking even though i think they both acknowledge [or it says somewhere in the lore that they do] that it is a losing battle bc theyre both really set in how they see things and their methods of doing things. I JUST FIND IT REALLY INTERESTING that alhaitham is like, "mind your business and ill mind my business what ever bye" but when it comes to kaveh hes like. no actually i have to debate you. the way you feel isnt wrong however your actions make your life really hard for yourself and you could be living better if you changed" like he cannot stay in his lane when kaveh is involved!!!!! and like the whole reason he's even IN the parade of providence event at all was bc he was pursuing a thread of research that he figured out was connected to kavehs dad and his disappearance!!! mister "i dont want to get involved if it doesnt disrupt my life" got involved to give his boy some closure on the haunting of his dead father!!!!!!!!!! I am going to explode now goodbye!!!!

[the-s1lly-corner]

How about Itward x Reader where they are the parent figures for Fran?

Itward and reader raising fran together!

LOVE this idea Imma be so real i was fighting so hard not to skip all the requests that were sent in before this so I could answer this sooner but that wouldnt be fair to everyone else <\3

Hope you like this ! I must admit

I was a little stumped on this

Anyways keep sending in the itward requests I'm having so so so much fun with this man

Lets make one thing clear; fran, at least for now within the recent events of the game, does not want you or itward to replace her parents, so please don't expect her to call either you her mom/dad/parent. Guardian, sure. But it would be a long while until she calls either you or itward a parent. The death of her parents is just all too fresh for her, and honestly she needs time to properly grieve and to come to terms with all the information she gained by the end of chapter 5

I like to headcannon that Fran grows up in Ithersta, so until KMG disproves that..!

A child in Ithersts mentions a school. While we don't see it in game, imma take that kids word for it. So fran goes to that school! As well as this I think itward home schools Fran, or at least teaches her some stuff that likely wouldn't be covered in the school!

You and itward take turns walking fran to school, as well as walking her home

Itward makes a home for you all in Ithersta, I think. Small little cozy home (I promise its not just the flying ship I pinky swear he didnt just upgrade it to make it more homey I sweeeeeeaaaar (grins))

You two working together to make sure this kid gets the best life after everything and preparing for what's to come brings you and itward together

Before you guys were just playing into the parental role but like

Guys

I dont think its pretend anymore

NOOO because imagine literally everyone else picks up on it and they're just "oh my lordy lord these two losers are in love. They're in love right in front of my salad. And they're both denying it"

Cue silly hijinks that border on tropey sparked by Fran and a few others teaming up to try to bring you and itward together

Okay back to the raising Fran thing

You tuck her in, itward reads her a story. I think that will be a ritual between you three for a while

Mr midnight curls himself up at the foot of her bed every night, too

You guys split chores

Itward helps keep the house that totally isnt an upgraded flying machine in the best shape, you guys take turns cooking dinner. Whoever doesn't cook that night does the cleaning that day. As mentioned before you guys take turn walking Fran to and from school. You also work together to help her with any homework. While itward keeps the house in working order you tend to go out and get stuff you guys may need that you cant provide for yourselves

You see itward is a bit of an introvert and likes keeping to himself, and in my personal hc I like to think that he tries to be as self sufficient as possible, so!!

You guys have a garden together!

Ponders

You guys have family game nights. Sometimes you offer some friends to join; like palontras or cogwind! Sometimes ziar or the great wizard will stop by!

Overall you three are doing your best to make sure fran grows up to have the best life she can have given the circumstances

I think itward would stop and.. assuming he can cry, tear up a little when Fran calls him dad the first time. His bones rattle a little. Bro absolutely collapses when Fran leaves the room. Hes not upset! It just took him off guard! Please rub circles into his back

Ohoh also you four go on semi frequent adventures so fran can get that sweet sweet enrichment and experience

[gayspock]

ok whatever

i feel s fucking disconnected i feel like im crazy whenever im withpeople i cant even trickmyself into feeling like im on the same plane of existence and cant fucking understand any of it i cannotfucking care. i fucking hate being so alone but i dont fucking care any more and its toomuch i cant handle and yep yep yep im not fuckign "enough" to fucking fight it or whatever the fuck thatmeans but i dont fucking care because no matter what its never going tomake a damn difference . and i dont know i keep fuckingwanting it so badly and thats the conceit of it all fucking losing my mind . trying but i dontknow whats wrong with me or whats so fucking funny about me . and when im trying.something something . rejection is one thing . i get it and i expect it now or just whatever but. idontknow what else to do though i feel like i always jsutburn myself out triyng to be part of peoples lives and howevermuch i care itsjust a joke its always just a fucking joke and it never makes a difference and i jsut fucking recede and it never matters when i do that either or whatever i jsut i want to feel fucking tangible but i dont know what to do anymore because i feel so fucking alien all the fucking timelike everyone. fucking. talks. about. loneliness oh im so fucking alone i dontfucking know i want to punch them when theyvehad partners when they talk to their family wqhen literally fucking anything jsut fucking anything i just want to have someonefucking know i exist in some fucking capacity liek i spend months, years without fuckinganyhting and even before then what . i odnt know. i used to come home from schoolcrying because i just wanted to be taken seriously but i feel like peoepl just always included me cuz i was kind of a funny joke at worst and incidental at best like we'll never rremember you, you'll never be invited to anything, we'll neve rbring you along, we'll never include you in the same way we remember everyone else. theres a point of like i know im meant to ask . sometimes i can get that.but i dont know. why do i alwayshave to do that why is it always exerting so much time and energy when ihavenothing left any morre to ty and force myself into peoples lives . when the others dont. when nobody else in that situation had to try and fucking make it happen. when i dont think they want me there ever. and i just wantthat to be fucking wanted in some way to fucking exist in soem capacity that isnt me in my own fucking head going nuts . like oh we rememberedyou in the same way everyone else is a part of this but even that its like. i dontknow even thats so . so fucking dumb and fucdking hard to fucking everconceive of those once in every so many years occurences that happen less and less. its so mortifying crying about it all like that . somethimng soething. you know when reality kicksin again cuz you realise THAT. the shit that you used to fucking sobabout for hours and hours at night cuz u felt so fucking alone and isolated all the fucking time was the best it was ever going to be and the easiest it was ever going to be.

and its just so much fuckingharder to ever do it now because i know at our age nobodys ever going to have the time or patience to deal with afucking headcase and i go to work and italk to people and i jsut feel people fucking laughing at me and i go to spaces and i feel myself seizingup. even the places where you think itmight be easier more accepting. the "theyre all alone there must be something wrong with them" laughsthat you get the fact you dont have anything inyour life any more you dont have anything to talk about youre just nothing but a fucking whole bunch of failures. andits like i cant ezxpect it right i cant expect anyone to like me and its not fair to cry atpeople for not liking me when its jsut like . dude youre just annoying and a loser and its not that deep but yeah it means youjre gonna be alone a nd i odnt know i cant talk straight any more and imso exhausted all the time andim getting more tired and theres nothing and yourwhole life is eaten up bytrying to stay afloatikeep thinking about whats going to happen how its always on the precipice howi dont have enough in me to fget through anything how one bad thing can happen and it can set me back months, years because i cantmanage it on my own but what else is ther ei cant do anything i keep trying things they just fucking mean nothing i feel like i go home on my own and spiral and i just reallydo want help and peoplejsut tell you to ask for it but then when you do itdoes nothing and idont understand how it jsut happens for otherpeople how they can just . even find some asort of connection i cant fucking read anytihng about it i feel like whenever i do experiencde media with someone talking about their loneliness even then theres something fucking tethering them some fucking distant fucking connection i fele like im going fucking nuts im kidding i always say that who cares i havent had a conversation with someone in years i think ive had more birthdays alone than ive ever had with another person i cant manage to do anything but spiral i kepegetting angry at everyone and idont know theres a part of me that feels sick with myself theres anotherpart of me that jsut wants to let it happen cuz what does it matter its never going to matter even if im mad its funny topeople its a fucking funnnyyyyyy joke in the end if they even notice at all and i just dont know what i do wrong i dont know because even when i go back and i analyse everything over and overagain its nothing its just always just the. yourejust not fucking enough for anyhting youre just not enough wevn when you give your all you cant do anything right i cant do anything right and fair enoughryeah like fair enough nobody stays for that because what do you give topeople you can care but eveyrone can fucking careand at the end of the day youre just a burden blah blahj balh i feel fucking crazyyyysmile gorgeous smile

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

because i basically also use tumblr as a diary we're going to do some SMALL real life posting below the cut feel free to ignore it i'm just talking lol

I have a friend IRL who also writes fic, though she's relatively new to publishing, but I mentioned my Fandom Trumps Hate stuff to her because she has the background to get it and I was excited. When the winning bid changed, she asked how many words that was and I said "127k" and she was like, "that's more than I wrote last year." Which is fine and fair, she's an english teacher she has a job that requires thought and not just mindless stress

but in my head this was a "oh we're sharing how much we wrote last year situation," which looking back I think I misread In the future I'm going to take a "you still wrote something" approach, but I said I wrote like 250k last year, because I did the math and i did. but her first, IM CERTAIN instictive reaction was the this look and i don't know how to describe it but it was WILD and not envy but gave the impression of "i wish you hadn't said that" and maybe a tinge of "im not sure how i feel about that" and in my head I was like

hey like i get that i dropped out of college and you were an english major but a few years after I dropped out I was working at a diner and spent a whole year basically training myself like a dog to write whenever

and now im breaking my process down into pieces so small that no matter how fogged my brain is I can work and like

i worked really hard to be able to write this much you cannot just expect that from yourself without work?? like i found the methods that are effective for me because I took the time to try out DOZENS OF METHODS and I failed at a lot of them but now ive got one and its why after a decade of not finishing long things all i can do is finish things

but i can't say that to a person so we just moved on but like

writing isnt a calling its an active choice you make??? for some people its a hobby and that's fine but my intent is to move into traditional publishing, so i treat fan fiction like a job because at some point i INTEND FOR WRITING TO BE MY JOB so i have to take it seriously now so i dont burn out?? so i don't get advances and then find myself incapable of meeting deadlines?? like

anyway this was my warm up in a weird way but thats a small bit of real life posting behind every authors word count is the time they practiced to get to it i wrote like 100,000 shitty words last year that never saw the light of day and 250,000 that did and that's just how writing is??

[sins-lil-blog]

Living & Surviving - Sin & Aliza - Short chat

..Im tired of this... all of this..

...All of this? What do you mean Sin?..

Im just-.. Im not living...

... But you are living? We havent died yet atleast!.. even though those monsters keep trying to kill us...

No no.. Im not talking about them.. you dont get it... what were doing is.. surviving.. Im alive yeah.. Im just not.. ALIVE, you know?

Hum.. I dont really get it...

...Um.. let me put it like this.. I am surving to stay alive but... Im not happy. Im not engoying living. Im not even gratefull to be alive. Im tired.. Im so tired of this... I just want to be happy... engoy everything else has to offer.. why'd I have to get stuck down here... becouse I sliped?..

Oh.. but if you hadnt fallen... You would have never meet me.. and I would have... died...

Right... maybe its not THAT bad... but its still really bad... It feels like it wont end.. a never ending nightmare...

... I- I know its hard now... for both of us.. but it might get better.. I know it isnt fair an-

But what if it doesnt get better?.... what if.. we stay like this forever?.. surviving... trying to stay alive.. just for a better day that never came?... talk about a poetic fate..

..Sin... look how far we've come by surviving... maybe one day.. we can both live again... and.. still... dont forget the small bits were you are happy... the small things count too you know?.. life's complicated... it always gets better im the end.. you just have to keep hoping for the best... things will brighten up..

... damn Aliza..... sorry... and thank you..... you are a great kid.. pffft...

Life is complicated, full of ups and downs, but hey, keep your chin up and think positive, no matter what, and if you cant find the good.. talk to someone, maybe they'll show it to ya ^^

[yuniex07]

but Welch made Tav dialogues choices based on pro ascension is all about seeing Astarion as sex object. That’s the problem. Welch already decided all Tavs who chose ascension see Astarion as sex object. Welch only talked about sex object regarding Ascended Astarion.

The way this writer tried to " teach " a lesson was pointless from the begining tbh. From the begining Astarion makes a lot of induendo to the Player character, offers, and pushes for the player to agree to have sex with him. His double meaning banter/aiding lines. EVERYTHING about the character is sexualised. It makes sense this person was only in charge late in the development of the game because the way your character react at that point of the story makes no sense!

Personally, my experience was this one:

Got interested in baldur's gate from tiktok videos, and some mentions of the game from my FC companions in FFXIV. OFC i got moslty non context thristy Astarion videos on tiktok and you know what? i was not interested in him at all . I was like, "why are people simping for him? he looks old, ugly, the guy with a beard looks better, but isnt my type either, might go for one of the girls first" (oh that poor past version of me would probably laught at my present version)

So i played the game without context, and not even liking Astarion's looks. I consider myself a pretty impartial person leaning towards what i consider fair and just, having no experience in DND, my character would be more like a neutral good character of sort? (tbh, i don't see the point of having aligments when the choices of a person will depend on soo many variables. The trolley dilema anyone? )

Anyway, i fell, HARD for this pixelated man, because of his charisma, his sassy comments and his attitude. As he was undercovering more about him, i was more and more facinated, I was struggling with his approval, because even tho i wanted to romance him, i was still making the choices that i considered right! (which people usually relate to being a good character) Long story short, he did proposed at the party and i was able to romance him. My character wanted to help everyone and she did. The game portraits the ritual as somehing that will realy improve his life with no downside for him(not talking about the cost here).

So when getting into the ritual, analizing all the information the game game me up to that point, not knowing what will happen after, and thinking on all the posibiliies of this decision. I could only conclude that 7000 spawns were too dangerous to be liberated, Astarion would be free from his master and from all the vampirism downsides, and he had wanted from the begining the power to take his own decisions and mistakes, own his life and his body. (the persuation check being only for Astarion and non of the other companions was interesting... i would not try to persuade him to do something he was asking for from the begining) He had the full support of my character. And i was happy after the ritual, he sounded confident and finally able to act without fear.

So when the long rest scene played i was put off by the dialog choices and TAV's expressions(they fixed them now but not during that time) my character seemed like trying to lecture him and put the blame of a decisison they BOTH agreed only on him(same from the companions like what?? i did it too you know?? why are they angry at him but not me?) then the "spicy" scene happened (it was a pleasant surprise for me i had no idea it was from this route so it proves once again that not everyone Ascends him just because you want to sexualize him) If you think about it, is not even THAT sexual when compared to other companions is pretty tamed.

In conclusion, that writer has some several issues that needs to be addresses and tried to use the game to try to feel better with themself or scape remorse from all the social opportunities they missed for not been able to socialize properly and idealize fiction over reality durning their younger years.

[insane-control-room]

(Throws Tablet)

In which Evans lets Elise see some of Doug's texts to him, because this time he's gone too far.

a friend sent me this incorrect quote; made a fic. https://www.tumblr.com/darkdeception-incoquotes/705849624478597120/elise-throws-phone-at-the-wall-in-a-fit-of incorrect quote from: @darkdeception-incoquotes my requests are open btw :3 also this isnt canon to most of my stories i just lost my mind at 1am

Rated: G (Implied suggestive content) Warnings: referenced/implied cheating ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47867194

(Fic under cut)

“That cheating prick!” Elise growled, gripping the tablet hard enough to make slight white spots appear under her press. She stared at the pictures, face white with rage. “That lying, cheating prick!” 

“You can’t say I didn’t warn you,” Evans sighed, trying to be as gentle as he could with her. Normally, Evans simply pleaded with Doug not to cheat on Elise, tried to get him to change his ways and go home instead of ‘working’ late in his office. This time, though, Doug had the audacity to text him some pictures snapped during his illicit exploit. Evans had threatened Doug that if he ever dared do such a thing, he would show the images to Elise, and, well, now he was making due on that very remark. He hated watching Elise’s rage at the confirmation of her suspicions. Even if Doug never denied her accusations of him cheating, she never had any proof, and it was enough for her to cling to. But now…. “I’m sorry, Elise.” 

“No. Thank you, Evans,” Elise shook her head. She took in a deep breath, and looked back at the pictures. “I needed this. Goddamnit, I needed this.” 

Evans shifted, slightly uncomfortable, as she began to scroll through his and Doug’s text history. He bit his lip to keep from protesting. She had a right to see, even if he hated sharing any glimpse of his private life with anyone. She laughed incredulously, venomously. 

“He even tried to get into your pants!” she scoffed, pausing in her scroll. Evans’ cheeks heated significantly while he recalled the several soliciting, salacious texts Doug had sent him. “Good on you for shutting him down! God, that backstabbing, crass, disgusting shit!” 

Evans tried to calm her down, but he was a moment too late. The enraged woman threw the tablet against the wall. Evans winced as it shattered.

“Um, Elise?” Evans quietly remarked, his hands shifting to hold each other in his meekness. “That was mine.”

Elise stared at the broken device for a moment before a soft pink blush colored her cheeks. 

“Oh,” she replied, sounding surprised. She pursed her lips for a second before commenting, “I’ll pay for it.” 

“You don’t have-”

“I’m going to use Doug’s card.”

“Oh. I see,” Evans nodded. Fair enough. “I’d appreciate it.”

“You know what I would appreciate, Detective?” Elise asked, looking at him through her lashes. He swallowed down a blush, shrugging. “If you’d be a sweetheart and cuffed Dougie onto a chair.” 

“Seems like a mild punishment,” Evans dryly remarked. 

“It’s so he could watch me go down on you,” Elise explained, dancing her fingers over his chest. 

Evans felt all of his blood rush to his face, and he choked on air, gaping at the coquettish woman before him. 

“I have to go,” he stammered.

“See you around, Detective,” Elise grinned, and winked. She called after him. “I think it would be a great way to keep him from cheating!”

“Not listening!” Evans answered, still blushing. 

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[sereniv]

I think the problem with telling people to do the best that they can do; even adding in "what you personally can do", is (besides people usually knowing they arent doing their best) that it can still invoke the idea of forcing ones self to do something

Because one can assume that we are saying "do the best you can personally do....up to my standards" because a lot of times that is an add on

we see it with disability, where we do the best we can do and people still arent happy. So it can feel like whenever someone asks that you do the best you can do, they are really saying that theres at least a limit you should reach

And obviously theres really no way around this other than padding the phrase with example scenarios to assure the person that yes, we truly mean that your best is defined by you, not us

But then it comes down to people knowing they arent doing their best. And thats where the guilt comes in, because instead of a phrase that should invoke relief, they feel anxious.

But what people need to know and realize, is that when you can do more, when you can do better and youre not, we dont know whether it is your best or not

We shouldnt judge you because a hersheys bar keeps you from killing yourself. I can not take a position on that because im not in your life and im not you. So even if you are lying that is down to YOU

When we (vegans) tell you that its about doing your personal best to avoid using animals for entertainment, food, clothes, we mean exactly that. With no judgement. And thats how it should be

If you have connection to your culture religion through animal use and there is no way around that? that is your necessity. That is your best.

You should always ask your self if what you do is necessary for you, and explore other options

but at the end of the day, only you can decide what is nescessary for you. Only you can decide when you are able to change

AND that means that you eating non fair trade chocolate or relapsing and needing eggs or wearing regalia of skins or participating in any other animal usage- that that necessity isnt low on the scale.

Like when vegans talk about sustenance hunting. it shouldnt be said as a "oh let them hunt" because no one is "letting" you.

It should be supportive in a nature. we can not support the death of an animal and still fully support someone feeding themselves whether for ceremony or cultural ties

its not a 'let it slide' scenario. And sometimes from some vegans it feels like that

But it shouldnt

Because all of this should be seen as large as our earths population

You participating in your culture or religion, or you needing to have a Hersheys chocolate bar to make it another day is not the problem

be confident with your needs, truly. It is okay. Its okay to relapse. Its okay with what your connection requires. Its okay to buy things that arent as sustainable or ethical because its not your fault of what your needs are

but again thats on you to figure it out. What vegans should do is simply provide the facts and the info, and should stay any judgement on things we dont know or cant confirm

Idk what this post is about or who its for

but yeah its sad. because though, again, a lot of people arent actually doing their best and thats why they get defensive (change is HARD, and thinking of trying new things is exhausting, ao its okay if you take your time. roll it around in your brain for awhile until you are ready), though that, a lot of people might THINK they arent trying their best

As a disabled person i know how it feels to feel like im not doing my best. and thats why i check in with myself. But "im sitting all day i could have cleaned" comes up a lot, and i have to remember, that i didnt.

i didnt clean and thats okay. becauae it can feel like i chose to sit, but being honest with myself, i dont have the tools to not feel exhausted even thinking about cleaning

So i wasnt sitting on my ass, i was doing the best i could do, which was relax

So if in the face of veganism, explore why you feel defensive, but also learn to recognize what is already your best, and what is something you can actually change. if not now, later

Remember: Veganism isnt a diet. Plant based is the diet portion, and not everyone can go plant based. But everyone has the capacity to look at the data and recognize the destruction animal use has, whether it be enviromental, human, or animal.

Veganism should feel relaxed as you try new things at your own pace or feel comfortable in where you are now in life. Its about getting people to look at animal agriculture as a whole and moving forward, especially for those who cant right now or who cant ever.

Veganism is about changing very slowly and supporting everyone it can. It is NOT about forcing people to be 100% plant based. its about giving you the option

ok enough post finished lol

[lostacelonnie]

Noelle is just gay as hell for lumine its a fact. You are correct both her hangouts are just them on dates. I always forget people use aether too & then see like. Hangout scenes with him or ayaka's forest scene with him in the inazuma story & go who tf is that oh yeah people pick aether & miss the gay shit. Abyss queen lumine supremacy real i know her jp voice doing abyss lumine is real good. I only know something about faruzan being in a cave for a long time. No context just that. They should give us a fish hangout i want my favorite weirdo to have one. Her & mona have been having real good interactions when they show up together. I read that comic in real time & it was a special kind of hell. I am also a dr fan but talk about it less. Ooooh nice! Ruin serpent isnt the worst honestly but it is slightly annoying. Cryo hypo was my beloathed now its rifthound boss. Had to fight it so much for yun jin & im still not done. Ahh thats entirely fair. I will look forward to your updates! Oh wait do you mean uh. Average avery on here when you mention avery? I dont think i saw a trailerbfor genshin but i did see ganyu & keqing & went alright ill play. & they keep adding hot women so here i am. Rpg style grinding is hard to focus on for me when i could simply not but i do it for my faves. Oh. Also glad to see you are a fellow rangers apprentice enjoyer

HI IM OFFICIALLY BACK FROM THE NORWAY TRIP SO UH. no more waiting 18395092895 years for a response. sorry about that. anyway rigghhhtttt??? its so funny that mhy by making the "canon" traveler male and trying to make his playthrough fanservicey to please That part of the fanbase they also made lumine playthroughs just. lesbian impact. THE AYAKA QUEST IS SUCH A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THIS YEAH. and SO true, gaslight gatekeep girlboss and yeah the jp va's are generally really good. yeah me too tbh??? and that she always calls herself "madam faruzan" and insists shes everyones superior??? no idea what thats about but she seems interesting. YES itd be so fun i can already tell. fish hangout when. SO TRUE i LIVE for the monafischl friendship. the way mona just. accepted that shes gonna get a Lot of weird nicknames. yeahhhh i uh. heard a lot about it. never had the motivation to venture in myself asjdkkgkjjskf. danganronpa rewrote my mind permanently tho. dark times. but i got a lot of friends from that fandom and even keep in touch with some of them. yeah ruin serpent is just kinda annoying, but i have personal beef with cryo hypostasis. the message ab the area round the ch being extremely cold is kind of a meme to me. OUUGH NOT THE RIFTHOUND...... RIP......... hate that one. tho i fortunately didnt have to grind it. and coming back to the trip, it was great! fed some reindeer. ate some reindeer. their meat is SO good btw. saw the northern lights. drove a dog sled. life is good. and yes i do mean average avery!!!!! shes my best friend 4 life. and fairrrrr tho for me it was uh. that one eula ad from a long time ago that got me into genshin? and now i main her so. lmao. i started grinding because of my everlasting love for bianka but now i have no life. rangers apprentice was my LIFE when i was younger omg. pretty sure it was one of my first ever special interests and GOD was it long. still love these books tho i havent read them in a While.

[earth-wyrms]

hi do you know the rage that helvetica and its evangelists evoke in me?? like fuck its not about helvetica helvetica - actual rage towards any font (yes even that one) is just a low effort meme: youre not funny. but as its cleanliness and uniformity has grown into modern design ethos like a cancer it has been chosen as the de-facto correct answer to any design problem. i thought that graphic design was the art of communication? did we not take the same classes?? yalls professors forget to tell you this????

i cant divine the exact reasons why this has happened. i have guesses and conspiracy theories but nothing useful. internally ive been calling it the "apple store problem" where good minimalism is really hard - nearly impossible to make human enough, but bad minimalism is hilariously easy. yes im a frank lloyd wright hater why do you ask. but all of these individual examples are just data points and i am stuck inside my mind with no identifiable root cause.

furthermore, and perhaps more important: - is it fair to critique an art movement on the basis of its incurious hacks? - doesnt every artist in every era feel like this? - isnt this just the feeling of having an Establishment against which we make our art? - isnt it okay that corporate art is always going to be "like that"? that all corporate art is always going to trend towards least common denominator, watered-down mass-appeal? - how careful do i have to be? when i sit here and complain that advertising of all things is more and more stale oatmeal how much am i yearning for a mythical perfect past where REAL artists made REAL art and not this degenerate* slop? - is it even worth it to try and ask that art in advertising be any good? like. its still art for advertising. yknow. the horrifying screeching mindless presence of light and sound that exists only to wring every living drop of attention, time, energy, and capitol out of humans until we are a barely living, shivering, bio-mechanical GDP booster whos only purpose is to feed the machine that hurts us. that advertising.

i think maybe theres more here than: clean lines bad and im bored

oh hi there, i see you making *word associations. yes, that is exactly what i was talking about, thansk for noticing: OG fascists and neo fascists love to cite how great art used to be before The Bad Times as a way to retroactively legitimize themselves and to propose a Good future where they win verses the Bad future where cops arent allowed to murder people. this regularly seeps like poison into conversations about mass-market art because they both sound like criticisms of the present. in discussions on the damaging relationship between art and commerce where most folks there are lamenting how the need to be advertiser friendly stunts communication and limits what art can even be made, you can regularly find little fascist shits whinging about the good ol days. when complaining about how capitalism is making it impossible to talk about sex or being black or being trans in your art make sure youre not inventing fictional pasts. there was never a The Good Times where only real artists prevailed. yes we are in a particularly censor-heavy, advertiser-friendliness-driven time on the internet BUT getting sucked into the rhetoric of how much society has devolved these days lands you in Neo Nazi Proximity Danger Zone.

where was i? oh yah: 1. charles eames can get fucked. 2. it is a good thing to demand more from the commercial art in your life 3. if youre bored of the same thing again and again try finding independent art projects that match your freak and come back to me 4. the achingly personal, earnest art you make will never be lowest common denominator marketable 5. do it anyways. make bad art that pisses people off. 6. i also hate helvetica for reasons that have nothing to do with this rant, its just not appealing to me. i like Baskerville and MCIR fonts

[zwoelffarben]

I just found an incomplete list of reactions to 101 'writing tips' written on some postit notes (I don't remember the tips at all).

1-13 [Data Lost]

14. Most likely yes: making a metaphor for anything tends to be worse than just doing it. 15. Yes. 16. Eh~ 17. Eh~ 18. Eh~ 19. Eh~ 20. Eh~ 21. Eh~ 22. Eh~

23-29 [Data Lost]

30. People, being you? Cause I like drama in my comedies when it's done well 31. Tolkien has entered the chat 32. Personal Preference. 33. An actually reasonable point, but most people wouldn't notice until switching would require starting over 34. Personal Preference.

35. Yes but not really writting advice 36. Will they - wont they can be done well. 37. .... Wat 38. Okay, this is one I'm not qualified to have opinions on. 39. Same. 40. General good advice ruined by being too specific 41. Opinion: a reasonable one, but one none the less

42. Not Advice. 43. No Opinion Am uninformed 44. Generally, yes. 45. You have a character that's a good person: not necessarily a good character. 46. OSPR'ed has entered the chat Chris Winkle has entered the chat 47. Your not wrong, but this isnt advice

48. Fair, but also, Slime. 49. A reasonable critique disguised as a personal attack. 50. Yes, but give other exampses. Also no. 51. Yes, but no. 52. — I have no fandom. 53. The author is dead and wrong but I respect what youre trying to say here. 54. Not writing advice. 55. Hard disagree.

56. This contradicts a lot of the up-list. 57. Yes, but also your missing the point 58. Yes—but 59. Yes 60. ? 61. No. 62. Yeah okay but writing advice? 63. Oh that's never been done before6 64. Yes, but you could explain it better. 65. Are we still talking about writing advice

66. Yes, but no. Some best friends ain't like that. 67. Eh~~~~~~~~ 68. Reasonable advice. 69. I disagree with the first half. 70. Debatable. 71. Having never touched a book, I am unqualified to discuss this point 72. Strength to fire. Dexterity to aim. "realism" argument. 73. Define "Best"

74. Personally I as all three of these things thinks this is too restrictive as it limits my ability to inform my characters through my life experience. 75. Incomplete picture. 76. Yes, but like~~~~ 77. It's not superior to other attitudes. 78. Debatable. 79. Legit advice.

80. Yes but no. Introducing 4D alignment. 81. Well, as long as you have receipts.. 82. Except for the queer folx without another word. 83. Agreed. 84. Disagree, but at least you're not knocking it. 85. Yeah..

89-93 [Data lost]

94. No, but eh~~~~ 95. True statement but not advice 96. True enough. 97. A reasonable preference. 98. Yes but~ not that first half. 99. A demand. 100. Probably. 101. Once again, astounding insight.

And that's it. I don't remember what the advices I was responding to were, but thought some of these, or the whole thing was kinda funny without the context.

[lillys-shadow]

Also

Ive been feeling pretty down lately.

I wrote an essay detailing a bunch of problems I've been having and how they've been fucking over my life for like the past three years. And I used DDLC to contextualize some of it, mainly because it was hugely influential in my ability to like think. emotionally. So when I send it to mother and her response is along the lines of "So... a game made you trans. Are you sure this isnt just an ADHD thing?" (which A. I have not been diagnosed for ADHD, she just has a hunch that I have it because my brother and father have it, and i have some of the characteristics commonly associated, and B. what the fuck, I just spilled the shit thats been affecting my mental health the worst and your response is "are you sure you didn't just make it up" what the actual fuck) not to mention I told her that I am trans (properly this time, instead of just going "oh hahah i have gender dysphoria thats why i wrote this entire vent piece E.P about how your attitude towards gender has fucked over my self worth" like that wasnt enough. Theres literally a song called "fault" literally saying its her fault I dont want to talk to her about things. And then "waltz of the night" which says things like "summer, what if you could die. summer, wouldnt be nice" played BACK TO BACK. And the first song being about how "summer" is just a placeholder for *me* but the gender fuckery has taken hold) and I told her I go by Lilly (she/her) I EVEN SAID THAT I WOULDN'T BE MAD IF SHE DIDN'T USE MY PROPER LABELS (mainly to soften the impact but whatever) AND SHE STILL RANTED ABOUT HOW ITS UnFaIr ThAt I bE sOmEoNe ShE dOeSnT kNoW mE aS.

And its just like, what do I even do here. So I tried to clarify the problems and she responds with "you had a bunch of contradictions, btw no amount of money could make you look like a woman" without telling me any of the supposed contradictions IF YOU HAD OF JUST TOLD ME THEM I WOULDVE CLARIFIED WHAT I MEANT OMG and acting as if passing trans women dont exist (I know passing shouldnt be the goal and its completely valid to not pass, I just want to for dysphoria reasons i guess, and I mentioned that we probably dont have the money to start HRT or a psychiatrist or to get any sort of surgery (which the latter I probably couldnt get anyway). And THEN she has the FUCKING AUDACITY to set the email to spam so I cant respond. And says "You will keep believing what you want to believe despite the evidence" (without citing a single FUCKING source of evidence, at least I quoted Judith Butler and Philosophy tube in my ramblings (I wasnt even trying to prove anything either, just that I shouldnt have to fight ma on how other people who are not her should refer to me if they tell me i need her approval)) and its like what do i even do at this point. So I shut up and just try to ignore her presence (which is really bloody hard because she and I were regularly really close). And she still hasnt brought it up, its been a goddamned week and Ive been home alone with her for three days in a row now. not a single word. I cant bring it up cause Im scared shell get mad or Ill say something incorrectly and shell use it as ammo to further fuck over my dysphoria. And Im not sure but Im like 60% sure she said something like "and then i realised, hes probably just faking it" which I shouldnt be mad about because A. im not even sure it was said B. I dont have any context C. it was said over the phone at 2am. But it was the day after I had sent it, I was absolutely fucked mentally. Like I know its not fair for me to be mad at her for, but nonetheless it still fucking hurts.

I mean not too long before (maybe a month or so) I literally thought "what if mum still thinks of me as a boy" and 3 hours later I have the worst cuts I had given myself. And now I know how it is, I know she does, and theres obviously nothing I can do. And certainly nothing I should do. And the only real emotional pillar I have had lately is my gf and I dont wanna vent too hard on her, I obviously want her to be happy (if youre reading this i love you <3), so ive felt kinda trapped idk. I swear to god the moment I turn 17 im buying a van and leaving, idrc about the specifics, just not here. (ill prolly back out of that before I turn 17 but i dont really give a fuck a girl can dream).

I gave her a quote of something she said, that was innocuous but had caused me a great deal of pain (she had told her friend that I wanted to go for "book week" as catnus everdeen because "I like attention" which was false, but also from her perspective she was talking about my goddamned whining persistance. But I took it as a judgement on the crossdressing I was dabbling in at the time (which catnus everdeen really wasnt lol but hey younger me was younger)) and her responce was "You took that out of context and youve written how it effected you in a cruel manor." and its like. THAT. WAS. THE. FUCKING. POINT. I kkknowww it was out of context, but it still fucking hurt, I only talked about it because it legitimately hurt me regardless of the actual context, and so that she doesnt do the same thing this time. AND SHE IMMEDIATELY THROWS AWAY THAT LINE OF THINKING FOR but thats not faiiir its not myy fault you misintirrpret things and its like, no its not but could you still be mindful that your words can AND WILL fuck me over if theyre not handled correctly.

I just- eugh. It would have been fine if she had of just had a conversation yknow. Like if we had've talked it out and got to some sort of conclusion. Instead of you will never think *spam*. Like I get to sit here instead with an unhealthy caffeine problem, horrible gender dysphoria, a cutting problem (both sexual and not so), and the fact that the person I looked up to most doesn't want to talk to me about the thing that has pretty much ruined my life and the steps that need to be taken to rectify those things.

Also the crippling insomnia its 3:20 now for gods sake.