#and i thought that nakoa and dice are hard to get into

[idreamonpaper]

I posted a review on Goodreads but I also must post it here because I need people to read @reeseweston's book, From the Roof of my Mouth. I know I am *checks calendar* four years late to the party, but this book has consumed my life and my thoughts ever since I picked it up. The cover of my copy will no longer close properly and the pages are now marked with the first tabs I could get my hands on which are these neon pink tabs. I will put my mad ramblings under a read more because I have much to say!

I first learned about From the Roof of my Mouth from Tumblr and bought the book when it first came out. It's been sitting on my book shelf since then until I decided to open it up a few days ago. This book has single handedly brought me out of the reading slump I've found myself for the past couple of years. I finished it in a few days because I couldn't put it down. I got swept up in the intensity of Ryan's emotions. The writing style flowed so well that I felt as if I was with Ryan also desperately trying to grasp at the corner of Nakoa's sleeve to get him to stay. I laughed, I dropped my head into the pages and groaned, and I teared up while reading. This book drew so many emotions from me that it has easily become one of my favorites.

I've always loved a good friends to lovers story, it's easily one of my favorite things to read. However, Ryan and Nakoa's dynamic is a new spin on this. It's complicated, jagged, and packed with emotions that have been growing for an entire decade. The characters are written in a way that's so painfully human that the solutions to their problems aren't simple. In Ryan's case, when he's in love with someone who handles intimacy like it's going to bite, it's not as easy as just confessing how he feels. Ryan is a protagonist that I have affectionately called a loser as I read, but I can't help but be endeared by him. These characters cry, laugh, mess up and they argue with each other and it's what made them feel human. I could go on and on about how the story also focuses on platonic love and how even the side characters like Dice and Aero carve an important space for themselves in this story. Nakoa is also a great example of how hard addiction can be. He's a character that could've easily been romanticized, his issues could've been brushed off and erased by the power of love. He's treated like a real person though. Nakoa's struggle with addiction affects his life, his health and his relationships with other characters in a way that's handled so well by the author. However, despite his prickly attitude he's not seen as unworthy in any way of love and friendship.

The conclusion of From the Roof of my Mouth had me beaming, absolutely delighted with the ending. I've spent hours pacing my room afterwards, thinking of how to best word this review in a way that's not me just rambling all the thoughts in my head. If you want to take one thing out of my review it's this: From the Roof of my Mouth is an emotional roller coaster that will have you feeling every high and low so deeply that it'll stick with you long after you finish reading. I would absolutely recommend this! I will absolutely be going back to read this multiple times!

[reesewestonarchive]

POV

In some ways, usually small ones, Aero wonders if she should have kept her relationship with Aarav professional.

He’s a kind enough guy, and Aero likes hanging out with him. He’s so gentle and soft-spoken and when he talks about his homebrew campaign for D&D, his eyes light up, and he’s so eager to be good that Aero often forgets who his roommates are.

Nakoa can barely walk, and Aero probably should have called Ryan from Aarav’s phone, told him where to find Nakoa, but somehow that felt… wrong, knowing everything that’s going on.

Not that Aero will claim to have half an idea of what goes on in the lives of Aarav’s roommates.

“Do you ever think of anything besides yourself?” Aarav asks, shoving at the door to the apartment. Nakoa snorts at Aero’s side, tightens his grip on her shoulder as they stumble through.

Aero tries to keep her voice light as she says, “Almost there, Nakoa, come on.”

Ryan’s voice is confused, concerned, when he says, “Everything all right?”

Aarav makes a wild gesture towards Nakoa. He’s so beside himself with his anger, and it doesn’t suit him at all. “Ask him.”

“Oh, fuck you, Dice,” Nakoa says, and lets go of Aero’s shoulder. Though he stumbles, Aero lets him go, grateful for the distance. “You’ll be glad for it later.”

Tugging at his hair, Aarav says, “That was my entire future down the drain! Are you so screwed up that you can’t stand someone else’s success?”

With Nakoa out of her arms, Aero grips at Aarav’s hand, reaching up to rub at his shoulder. The smile is brief, but a little of the tension seeps out of his shoulders, anyway.

Really, it was only a matter of time until Aarav was dragged into things with Nakoa. Nakoa, bless him, struggles more than he lets on, but a lot of his bullshit, he brings on himself.

Like tonight. She’s not completely convinced that there’s something sinister about Nakoa confronting Aarav’s future employer, but good intentions don’t always excuse the behavior.

Nakoa points Aarav’s way, reaching for Ryan’s drink on the coffee table. Ryan intercepts it before Nakoa can get a drink in. “Success? You’d be working for that miserable, racist fucker the rest of your life, and and where would that leave you? Stuck with a job that makes you suicidal, in love with a woman who won’t love you back.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, reaching for Nakoa. “Whatever the fuck you took—“

Dropping her hand like she’s burnt, Aero stares at the ground. That’s not—that’s not true. She’s overcomplicating her relationship with Aarav and she knows it, but until the tutoring’s done, she needs to keep it professional.

“Nakoa,” she tries, her voice quiet. “I think you should get some rest.”

“You wanna tell me how you really feel about me, Aarav? I’m right fucking here.”

The use of his real name—not Dice, not Dicey, none of the jovial tone Nakoa usually has when he talks with Aarav—hits him like a slap in the face.

Like he always does when Nakoa’s involved, Ryan comes in like a knight in shining armor, shoving at Nakoa’s back until he stumbles towards his bedroom door. “Go sleep it off, asshole.”

But Nakoa doesn’t stop, his voice fading as he leaves the room, and Aero watches him go, torn somewhere between concern and relief.

Aero wants to reach out for Aarav, but in the wake of what Nakoa’s said, the touch feels wrong. She keeps her hands to herself. “Aarav,” she says, and that seems tainted, too.

His voice sounds like defeat when he says, “Don’t worry about it.”

So Aero holds her tongue.

[reesewestonarchive]

“I’m sorry,” Nakoa says, into the crook of Ryan’s neck, his voice muffled. “I don’t mean to be like this.”

He could be talking about a million things - how fucked up he is right now, how annoying he’s been all night, how eager he has been to start a fight - and Ryan could pretend that that’s what he’s talking about, too.

But it’s not what Nakoa’s talking about. He might be so shitfaced his words slur together, he might’ve gotten clocked three separate times at three separate bars, but it’s not what he’s talking about.

“Yeah, I know,” Ryan says, his voice quiet, low so only Nakoa can hear him. It’s not quite dancing, what they’re doing, and not quite cuddling, but something caught between them. Nakoa sways, but not intentionally, and his grip on Ryan’s shirt tightens.

“It’s just hard.” Nakoa makes a noise, swallows, doesn’t pull away. Maybe he’s just imagining it, but Ryan swears he can feel Nakoa press his lips against the skin on Ryan’s neck, a ghost of a kiss if Ryan’s ever felt one before. “Like, there’s this whole… other thing that I haven’t considered, you know?” He hesitates.

The music plays overhead, quieter than before, but Ryan can’t tell if the volume was lowered or if he can’t hear over the blood rushing through his ears.

More often than not, Ryan’s speechless when Nakoa’s like this. Introspective, thoughts on display, like Nakoa’s cracking open under pressure, but Ryan’s not pushing him. The distance between them feels like miles, sometimes, but Ryan will wait as long as he fucking has to for Nakoa to come around.

He always does. Pushing him isn’t going to make it easier for either of them. Patience, then. It’s not always easy waiting for him, but it always pays off.

“I want to,” Nakoa says, finally, and he pulls away. The makeup around his eyes is smudging, and Ryan’s sure there’s a smear of eyeliner across his neck, but it’s not the first piece of his costume to fall apart tonight. He’d lost his jacket hours ago, his hair’s been falling down since they left the apartment, and without Dice and Aero, Nakoa and Ryan make about as much sense as the rest of the idiots here.

Not that Ryan completely understands the goal of the costumes as it was, as obscure the reference was. But he’s a simple man; Aero had finished putting the eyeliner on Nakoa and, yeah, he was sold.

Smokey eyes works a hell of a lot better than the bags Nakoa gets under his eyes from sleepless nights.

Nakoa licks his lips, and it’s quick, but Ryan doesn’t miss the way his eyes dart down to Ryan’s mouth. The room feels warm, suddenly, skin sticking to skin and, fuck, it’d be easy to lean in, wouldn’t it? Close the distance between them, and Ryan’s having a hard time remembering the reasons why he doesn’t, right now.

“Hey,” Nakoa says, gripping Ryan’s shirt tight between his fingers. Ryan’s heart thumps hard in his chest, and he wonders if maybe his patience has really paid off, and—

and Nakoa pulls back, wipes a hand across his mouth and points towards the bar. “I need a drink.”

[reesewestonarchive]

Nakoa - 9 and 15, Ryan - 5 and 10, Dice - 2 and 13, annnd 12 and 18 for Viola

Your OC is preparing a 3 course meal for their family/friends/S.O. What does this meal look like? Does it go over OK?

He researches ALL THE THINGS. he spends weeks pouring over cookbooks and it’s normal so Ryan doesn’t think about it, and then he comes home one night and Nakoa has food everywhere, and it smells fantastic and Nakoa is just :D :D :D here is your wine (beer) and please sit and try this is it good?? ryan is it good????? nervous as hell but he knows it’s good

I couldn’t tell you what he cooks but nakoa’s presentation leaves a lot to be desired - but it tastes good so who cares :p

How does your OC talk about their hobbies/passions?

incessantly, but so lit up and animated that it’s impossible not to fall a little in love

Your OC finds a dirty puppy or kitty, what do they do?

definitely does not adopt it, because if he lets himself adopt one he’ll adopt them all. but he definitely makes sure that they are returned home or to a good shelter so someone can adopt it and love it. in the mean time, he WILL get muddy or dirty loving it and cuddling it.

Nakoa’s seen it. Nakoa falls in love a little more every time. also funnily enough, here’s ryan’s FC doing Just This

Does your OC like telling stories to kids? How do they go about telling a story?

yes. very much. with nakoa :’)

What is your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

something dorky. programming stupid shit together, probably :p

annnnd man. I just thought about how dice would propose, if dice is the one that proposed :p

What is your OC like when they dance?

terrible :D :D :D he can’t dance!! he steps on aero’s toes all the time!! she loves him anyway! he’d probably eventually take dancing lessons for her though, because she Loves It and he Loves Her

How does your OC sleep?

octopus’d around penny and drooling on her shoulder :p

How does your OC talk about their love, if any?

she doesn’t often, but that’s just because if she’s allowed to start talking about it she can’t stop. she is deeply enamored by penny, has always fallen hard and fast, and loves her so much she doesn’t know what to do with herself sometimes

[reesewestonarchive]

find the word

big but not as big as @infinitelyblankpage​ ‘s was the other day haha

tagged by @infinitelyblankpage​ @forlornraven​ @indecentpause​ @riftversus​

tagging everybody back: burnt, cram, drank, ever, fresh

curse | nope

figure | "I didn't figure you for a boot guy anyway," Jet says, picking his bags up and heading back out.

blunt | It’d be funny, if Ryan wasn’t going to end up with the blunt end of Jean’s anger if Jet pulls out of Pride. Ryan’s got connections to make up for Jet’s if he leaves, but there’s not a lot of time left before the festival to figure it out.

ache | “So… Who’s the new chick Nakoa’s got?”

“The what?”

Dice shrugs, pushes his glasses up his nose and says, “I don’t know. I met with Aero today, you know, and Nakoa was out at the same place with some chick. I figured if he had a new girlfriend, you’d know.” He hesitates. “It is a new girlfriend, right?”

“I don’t know.” Fuck. No. Ryan closes his eyes, wonders how long it’s been going on, how long Nakoa’s been getting off with Ryan while courting someone else behind his back. That was a stipulation of their—unspoken agreement. Relationships changes things.

Switch gears. Something else. Trying very hard to not focus on the sudden ache in his chest, Ryan says, “So, Aero, huh?” He struggles to remember her; a short redhead, he thinks. Speaks up in class, has gotten drunk with Ryan twice, and critiqued one of his papers so strongly he could only laugh about it.

flower | nope, although now I’m imagining something gross where the boys give each other flowers so thanks

worn | “Hey.” Ryan glances down at his hand, petting over the worn spots on the upholstery, then back up at his face. “Where’ve you been?”

He laughs. “Where’ve I been? Where’ve you been?” He vaults over the back of the couch, right onto Ryan’s lap. He’s light enough, Ryan’s used to it enough that the impact doesn’t hurt as much as it probably should. “Dice says you haven’t been coming home at night. You hiding a boyfriend from me?”

clear | “No,” Nakoa says, but makes no attempt at introducing the two of them. It’s strange enough that Nakoa would be spending his time with someone new, but stranger still that he wouldn’t be telling Ryan about it.

And it hits him. Unless it’s about drugs. The woman doesn’t look like she’s an addict, doesn’t look like a dealer, but there must be a connection, anyway.

It becomes clear that neither of them are going to say anything else to him, or to each other while in front of him, Ryan clears his throat and ushers Nakoa away to the inside of the house.

Against his better judgement, he leaves them there, instead headed to the kitchen for a glass of water, already sweating with nervous energy.

melody | nope

music | Nakoa points a spatula at him and grins. "Come on, you know the words!"

Except he stops singing, instead just dancing along to the music on the radio as Ryan watches him prance around the kitchen. Too fucking energetic, and Ryan tracks him through the kitchen with his eyes as he overcooks eggs and burns bacon. The toast turns out edible, but barely.

game | Across the courtyard, Nakoa smiles at one of the investors, looking down at his shoes bashfully, and Ryan thinks that for a guy that didn’t grow up with this, he plays the game pretty fucking well. Confidence, modesty. How often does he do this, otherwise? Just times like these, when Ryan brings him into his own world, his parents’ world, of rich assholes with too much money they don’t spend?

heart | If they were selling a service, Ryan might try to convince them that it needs to be something fancier than that, something that doesn’t sound so… public service. But they have a name, so Ryan can’t keep not working on this out of the good of his heart, or his spite for Jet, so he sighs. “Yeah, all right.”

write | nope :p

bottle | It’s good he’s high, or his reaction would be explosive. Instead, he slumps against the railing and twists his neck to glare up at him. “What the fuck.”

Ryan’s already flinching when he says, “I said yes.” Nakoa moves quick, pulling his feet out and up, and crawling back through the window. Ryan stabs out the joint under his foot and follows him. “You’re not seriously pissed at me.”

Nakoa’s already on his way to the kitchen, though, towards the liquor cabinet, reaching for the tequila. “Nope. Your life. You be miserable.” He twists the top off and takes a shot from the bottle.

plan | The festival falls in August, before term starts, and Jean never gets enough people to help her plan everything. It’s just her and her girlfriend, most of the time, and Ryan knows she needs help, but he’s not anywhere near qualified for this. He’s from money, yeah, but what else can he offer?

short | But Nakoa’s demeanor changes in the blink of an eye, and he focuses on something to Ryan’s left with an intensity Ryan’s never seen, stock still like a deer in headlights, and Ryan follows his gaze to the back of the house to see a young woman, dark hair, standing, clutching her purse tightly. She’s short, heavy-set, and looks nervous as hell.

time | Nakoa offers the joint before he says, “Next time, you can come on my face.”

edge | Dice comes to the same conclusion as Ryan about as quickly. “Is she a dealer?”

“I don’t know.” There’s a shaky edge to his voice, now, and Ryan tries his best to hold it back, but this is Dice, and if anyone’s going to be as worried about Nakoa as Ryan, it’s Dice. “I thought at first, you know, she was the girl you mentioned—“

front | He always gets out of it, every year. Ryan’s talent lies elsewhere, not the front lines. Setting up a festival, or whatever, that Jean likes to do everywhere… Ryan can get them the money. Leave him out of the rest.

above | The big guy’s got Nakoa pinned up against the brick wall of the building. There’s almost no light down this alleyway, just one flickering above the guy’s head, and absolutely nothing that Ryan can use, save for his own fists, to get him off of Nakoa.

brick | Ryan not so subtly looks him up and down. He could. Nakoa’s tall, hot, intimidating, covered in tattoos and piercings, and oftentimes, he’s covered in his own blood. He laughs when people get in his face, and takes punches like a fucking brick wall, even if he goes down like a tower of cards. Still, Ryan drawls, “No.”

harsh | Nakoa’s reaction comes immediately, loud and harsh. “Man, fuck that! I won’t see you for two months!”

afraid | It’s close enough to what he wants, what he’s afraid to ask for, and Ryan’s not going to fuck up the best thing that ever happened to him on a maybe that might lose Nakoa.

“Don’t worry about me,” Ryan adds, when Jean bites her lip. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you?”

worry | Nakoa laughs, looks anywhere but at Ryan. “I know it’s stupid. Don’t worry about it. Just… Do whatever you need.”

light | He doesn’t know where to put his hands, so he leaves them at his side. Nakoa’s light, for a guy as tall as he is, and his weight rests over Ryan’s thighs pleasantly, a heaviness Ryan could get used to. He puts the joint between his lips and inhales, leans down. Doesn’t quite slot his mouth over Ryan’s, but his eyes are half-lidded and it’d be easy to lean up and kiss him, again. They’re close, too fucking close, and Ryan’s high enough that he’s forgetting why they haven’t done this, officially. Jerking off is one thing, a means to an end, but beyond that—

Nakoa’s close enough Ryan can feel his breath on his face, and he wraps a hand around the back of Ryan’s neck, and holds him close, doesn’t say a word, and Nakoa exhales smoke into Ryan’s parted lips.

Ryan, nervous as hell, inhales it all.

He’ll always take what Nakoa gives him.

leaf | nope

bring | Jet waves a hand in front of Jean, though, and says, "What the fuck are you talking about, straight roommate?"

"You have no right to bring up Nakoa. You don’t even know him,“ Ryan says. He knows her history, knows how many times Jean has fallen for her best friends and how many times he's kept his mouth shut, even in certainty that it would have worked. "You know how fucked I'll be if he finds out."

hurl | nope

fright | nope

lump | nope