#and i think like my wisdom teeth it’s only gonna happen when im in agony at this point bc there’s too much happening and it costs too much | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pepprs · 3 years ago

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tired and can’t fall asleep again so im here now. i th ink today and yesterday ive been more numb i thjnk adding items to the cart i can trick myself out of thinkjng this is happening but then when i click buy and spend the money and see the stuff piled up in the basement it’s real. i thin THSTS why i bawled wed and thurs nights or part of it and then yesterday and today ivw been like numb and afraid but not crying or anything. also my br!ghton suitcase never got put away it’s been piled on top of all the other shit on the bedroom floor all this time since the day i got home and i think that means something. im trying to tell myself im going to come back here so idk what in this room i should leave and what i should take w me. it’s going to be sk different this time so much better and easier this time despite the pandemic i think and i can’t wrap my head around it. i know being scared is part of being brave but i wish it felt like it

#buying things JS exhausting. tomorrow i have to clean all day and i am so tired and will barely sleep tonight. one of my roommates is moving #in tmrrw and i’ll be there in 2 days and this is my third to last night in this bed. or something i can’t do the math. tonight (rn) tmrrw #night )sun to mon) then the night after (mon to tues) and yeah that’s it. im scaring mom and marcie to death and i don’t know if i can live #with it and mom is being harsh w me abt encouraging me to take up space and it’s making me worse i think. i feel veryallne rn i know i am #not alone but i feel it. im a trailblazer for my siblings and i always am and it’s fucking hard. i want to leave and i don’t want to leave #and im imagining myself out of my room like where the window light will be and where the door is. my bed and the sound machine and fan and #shit are I. the right place i think. thank god for Reddit i love making throwaway accounts. i have to write everything down so i have a road #map when i journal eventually bc with brighton i just blacked out all of January and i wish i didn’t do i had myself to turn to. i need to #channel my more recent selves and how badly they’ve wanted to get out of here but im thinking of brighton tess and feeling her hurt again #and it’s hard to work through. and i still don’t have a counselor and i think im still being charged for sessions which fucking sucks bc i #like need to be pinchigg every penny rn and regardless that whole situation is gonna bite me in the ass. still haven’t dealtw the rootcanal #and i think like my wisdom teeth it’s only gonna happen when im in agony at this point bc there’s too much happening and it costs too much #cringeeee. im not adterisking anything out rn which is interesting. it’s too hot in here . the sky is soft blue im shutting up now sorry bye #purrs #ask to tag #actually no there’s more. this is the end of my childhood i think except im 22 so it’s been over for a while but also no it hasn’t bc I’ve #been trapped in a life that’s too small for me for too many yrs and this is me finallt getting out after wanting it w everyrhing i have i th #think. i mean but the wanting doesnt feel like wanting it feels like rash decisions when im hurt but i do want this and i do need this. and #i will be better for it but i just am not in a state rn where i can go thru the learning curve and be ok. like absolutely fucking bonkers th #that if i wasn’t moving id be having a normal couple of weeks rn and like getting on top of things and yet here i am creating my own crisis #or something idk. i mean it was gonna happen eventually. i just wish it wasn’t happening like this where it’s all so freighted and i feel so #violent to myself snd everyone like undoing this whole safe life and building a new one. this shit kiiiiinda sucks so bad so far 😹 also ok #it’s 4 im gonna be so fucked. bye for real this time maybe <3

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