#and i thiiiink my next project is to write the letter lleyth is going to send to teia. because girls just wanna have fun (me im girls)

[lucaanis]

Summary: After discovering the destruction left in the gods' wake at D'meta's Crossing, Lleyth collects their thoughts and ponders the team's next steps.

Warnings: Descriptions of canon-typical body horror.

codex series / part one / [part two] / part three

Right. Things have gone from bad to worse. Why would I expect any different?

The big mirror downstairs— the Eluvian (Solas called it the Vir'Revas, the "freedom of ways") took us back to Arlathan. I'm not sure I'm entirely cut out for the whole inter-dimensional travel thing, it makes my skull itch and my stomach feel weird, but I suppose it's leagues better than travel by boat, so I can't really complain. We ran into some of Varric's and Harding's old acquaintances on the other side: The Veil Jumpers.

I'm not familiar with them personally, but one of them, Bellara, has come back to the Lighthouse with us.

Good. Neve is brilliant, but Lace and I are all but useless when it comes to magic, and we need an expert on ancient elven magic in particular, which she is. And she explains things! Which I appreciate.

I won't presume to know the specifics of any complex magical theory. I'm no mage, but I'm also not a complete dunce, and mages aren't the only ones capable of using and studying magic. There are some things I've familiarized myself with in my alchemical training over the years; How to properly utilize runes and other magical essences to synthesize powerful spells. Still, it helps to have someone explain how things work and what they do instead of just asking me to "just trust them" or insist they "know what they're doing" for once. (Maybe you know what you're doing, but I don't! That's why I'm anxious!) And as limited as my understanding of ancient elven artifacts that predate my life by at least a thousand years may be, I find myself curious nonetheless, and Bellara has been very receptive to my questions.

She will be an excellent addition to the team… assuming we don't all get ourselves killed.

One thing is certain; The echoes of Solas's ritual have left ripples throughout Arlathan, and likely most of northern Thedas. These ripples have completely fucked up the forest in ways I can't even begin to wrap my head around, and from the sound of it, the Jumpers can't make heads or tails of it either. What we do know is that the entire region is magically unstable and, at times, completely nonsensical. Pockets in the Fade appearing out of nowhere and swallowing people whole, ancient artifacts going haywire, experienced Veil Jumpers going missing— presumed dead, or worse.

More innocent blood on my hands. A lot of that going around these days. But dare I ask, what was the alternative? Let Solas carry out his insane plan to sunder the Veil, destroying the world as we know it? The death toll alone would have been catastrophic. I knew what the stakes were, should he be allowed to succeed. We all did.

But sangre del Hacedor— after what happened to D'meta's Crossing… I am yet to tell whether I've helped save this world or simply doomed it to a fate worse than I've yet to fully comprehend.

The Blight in south never reached Antiva, and I was too young to fully understand it at the time, but you hear things; The words of refugees and ship captains who ran trade routes through Amaranthine. Enough to sate the vivid imagination of a fledgling Crow who had only ever heard stories of darkspawn armies marching from the Deep Roads to the wingbeats of an Archdemon.

Never in my life had I thought it would be anything like this.

The stench of darkspawn struggles to leave my mind. There's a reason why they should stay in the fucking Deep Roads where they belong. I've encountered their ilk before, but only stragglers. Nasty fucking things. They die like anything else in this world, but nothing prepares you for the ferocity— and the wrongness of them. (Why anyone would willingly join the Grey Wardens to hunt such creatures is beyond me.)

But this? A whole village gone overnight in complete silence, consumed by the Blight? No, worse than Blight. This particular Blight is wrong. I'm almost at a loss for words to describe it.

It's vile; It pulsates and writhes like it's alive, and it beckons— dark whispers tugging at my ears like madness. It hungers. Corpses twisted up in its roots like it had consumed them while they were still alive, feeding off of blood and bone marrow seeping into the earth. Others were left to rot with limbs mangled and skulls crushed against the doors of their homes, thinking the thin sheet of wood could protect them from the Blight. Poor bastards.

I can feel its malice, even now. Like hate and hunger that seeks only to destroy and corrupt everything in its path. It's like it warps the very Veil surrounding it, tearing it with its teeth. I don't know if the others can feel it as I do. I don't know if I want to know the answer.

It's a nightmare, is what it is— only I haven't woken up yet.

The only survivors we could find were blighted out of their minds, enslaved. Too far gone. If this is just a small taste of what the gods are capable of, how can we fight against it? How do we stop them before they do it again, and at a larger scale? How long do we have to plan countermeasures until an entire city is razed by this living nightmare?

The nightmare I helped release.

Some good news; We were able to recover the dagger Solas used in his ritual. One less weapon of mass destruction in the gods' arsenal. But Lace grabbed it before I could, and it changed something within her. And… I guess she has magic, now? Making her the first dwarf in history to wield magic, probably ever? I'm almost as baffled as she is, but she's taking it in stride. Of course she is. She's Lace-fucking-Harding. I'm afraid I'm of little use in this matter, but I'll do my best to help with what I can with what limited resources I can find. Whatever it is she's going through, she's not going through it alone.

Still, I've taken possession of the dagger for now— we don't yet know what it's capable of. I do know that it's made of raw lyrium, and that I've watched it hurt Varric and do… something to Lace, and rip open the Veil. And the gods were looking for it. That means it's dangerous. If anyone is going to carry the risk of exposure to its elements, whatever they may be, it should be me, and I'll sleep better for it— knowing where it is.

Up close, it's an odd thing. My fingers buzz as they brush the hilt. I can feel the energy resonating. I'd almost say it tickles, if the sensation weren't so unpleasant.

Another thing— my headache has gotten worse. Lucky me. I can't tell if it started throbbing before or after we got the dagger. So much has happened in the past few days that the tiny details seem to blur together. It's not constant, at least. It comes and it goes. At times I feel like my skull is about to implode, and at others it's more of a dull ache. Negligible, but annoying.

It's possible that my blood being anchored to the magic used at the ritual could be causing me to have some kind of reaction to the dagger. Maybe it's a stretch, but it's a running theory of mine. Everyone has enough to worry about without me moaning in their ears about my head hurting, so I haven't told the others.

It's been a long couple of days. Hopefully it will clear up with proper rest. I'll worry about it later.

I spoke to Solas again. Fen'Harel. The Dread Wolf. Whatever. Culero. (He doesn't look very "wolfy" to me, I'll say that much.) As per our last meeting, I found his "advice" to be trifling and his demeanor grating. My desire to skip stones across his inflated head aside, we need his help— but to what end, I wonder? For now, we are joined in a mutual goal: Stop Ghilan'nain and Elgar'nan. A coalition born of necessity, nothing more. I don't trust him.

Varric trusted him, and look where that got him. I won't make the same mistake.

Varric is… well, he's awake and he's talking, at least, though he still needs plenty of rest. It's too soon for him to be back on his feet, yet I feel bad leaving him alone in the Lighthouse. What happens to him if we don't make it back? I've done what I can to keep him comfortable, but without my alchemy kit…

Though, I may soon have the chance to reclaim it, because Neve thinks we should go to the Crows for help. Of all the fucking… [scribbled out, illegible]

That's going to go over like an iron-fucking-balloon. My heart aches to see Treviso again, but not like this! Not limping back home after a botched contract and explaining to the Talons that I might have started another Blight. The Blight to end all Blights…

So much for setting things right. This contract was supposed to be my ticket back into the Crow's good graces, but it might as well have been my death warrant. Can anything be easy? Must everything we do require me to bend over a table and fuck myself sideways?

Don't get me wrong, Neve has the right idea about getting a specialist on taking down powerful mages for the team, but the Demon of Vyrantium? House Dellamorte? Shit. My own… experiences with Dellamortes aside, I'm like, 90% sure the poor bastard's dead. Venatori caught up with him, if I remember correctly. I should know, Viago dragged me to his wake. I never knew him personally, of course, but Crow politics are delicate. When the First Talon's grandson is declared K.I.A., you make appearances— shake hands, offer condolences, and don't drink the wine. Maker, I hate funerals.

So unless the Crows have taken up necromancy to frighten the Antaam while I've been gone (Funeral a hoax? Wouldn't put it past the Talons to arrange something like that to confuse our enemies), arranging a meeting with the Talons is probably going to give us more problems than answers.

But… we're short on allies. If there's a chance, however small, that the Crows suddenly give two fucks to rub together about the fate of Antiva and what happens outside our borders, we have to take it. Begrudgingly. And preferably with as much tequila as we can carry back here for later— I'm going to need it.

Neve wore me down. I'll send word to Teia. The only Talon that I'm mostly sure doesn't hate me still. Though I haven't exactly been… timely about responding to any of her letters. Or responding at all, for that matter. (It wasn't personal, it's just… difficult to hear about home, sometimes.) So that might have changed.

I'm sure she will be first in line to rip me a new one regardless.

For now, we have other leads to follow— Neve wants to introduce me to some of her friends in Minrathous. I say we start there, make sure the city is still holding together somewhat after the ritual, continue assessing the damage. Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll find someone there and we won't need the help of the Crows after all!

Other things to consider: We're going to have to make a run for supplies soon. We need food, water, and something to sleep on besides the cots in the infirmary. The room I'm currently in has an ugly sofa, which I guess is an upgrade, but it's no proper bed. This room gives me the creeps anyway. Who the fuck wants to sleep in front of a massive glowing aquarium? With all of those giant creepy Fade-fish staring back at you? How is this relaxing?

NO! I draw the line. Hopefully there are other rooms in this place that have yet to make themselves known to me, because I'm not getting any sleep like this.

What I wouldn't give to be back home getting a massage and my hair washed in a bathhouse in Antiva City right now. The one with the lavender salt soaks with bergamot oil and rose petals, complimentary mulled wine and ripened cheese with bresaola and orange fig spread...

Ugh! The thought of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes! I must dwell on this no longer.

Varric thinks the team needs me. I think maybe he hit his head harder than we thought. I know he wanted me as his second in command, but this? Leading everyone against these odds? There's a reason why I was better in the Crows as a solo act— it's easier to make the decisions when I'm only responsible for my own life.

Whatever it was that Varric saw— sees in me, I can only hope I live up to it somehow.

Bellara's working on getting the Vir'Revas to connect to other Eluvians so we can plan our next move. I'm going to stay up for a while, I think. Keep watch while the others rest. I wouldn't mind exploring more of the Lighthouse, anyway. This room with the creepy fish wasn't here before. What other rooms could this place hold that we haven't discovered yet, or more likely, haven't yet made themselves known to us?

(Note: If this journal ends here, it's safe to assume I've misstepped and fallen into the void. It's going to take a while to get used to the whole floating-in-the-Fade bit.)

— R.