#and i suck with photoshoping the wound

[polijakefim]

F  L  A  U  N  T

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Girl's Gotta Eat

There are paths seen and unseen. There are paths taken. There are the Midwestern housewives who sit at home, who formerly popped bennies and ran topless through every jam band show at the local amphitheater. There are the vagrant, longhaired transients who receive stares as they push their cart of nothings around sweaty Southern towns, that formerly received stares only because they were professing at the front of a philosophy class. There are the attention-deficit young men, oft chastised for their inability to focus, but given open creativity, become playwrights and screenwriters. There are the balladeers. There are the celebrities. There is the you. There is the me. And there is Travis Fimmel, sitting in a hotel room in Vancouver, freezing his balls off. His is a story of barefooted farm boy turned bare-bodied model turned actor.

“It’s bloody cold,” he says in a relaxed Australian drawl. Of course it is. Fimmel grew up helping out on the family farm in a small town on the fork of two rivers in the middle of sunburnt Australia. He’s currently in the benumbed west Canadian port city filming Duncan Jones’ Warcraft: a film of epic proportion and expectation. But despite the video game-based spin-off, one gets the feeling Fimmel is the kind of lad who would much rather be chopping wood than mashing plastic buttons on a gaming controller. “I’d never heard of it,” he freely admits.

The path begins. When I ask about his early foray into Australian-rules football, he concedes what stymied the course, “Yeah but I sucked at it, man, I was very bad.” And thus he skipped the sporting life and tried college, “I didn’t pass any classes becauseI didn’t end up showing up—I was doing project managing for construction, like a foreman. Architecture and commerce [was the] main part of the course, I didn’t really want to go to college, I was just trying to fill in time…but then I ended up going overseas.” Fimmel wasn’t meant to be a paper-pushing desk jockey; just as Paul fucking Newman wasn’t meant to sling charred chicory at nine-to-fivers. With those baby blues and gilded locks it wasn’t long before Fimmel was modeling, most notably for Calvin Klein and most times wearing not a stitch. Previously Fimmel has played down his years of modeling, crediting favorable lighting, advanced cameras, and Photoshop for his looks and success. In fact, it’s speculated—and blatantly obvious upon viewing—that Fimmel was the inspiration behind Samantha’s washed-out brick-bod lover—“Jerry” Smith Jerrod—on Sex and the City.

The path winds. “Wound up in L.A., got into an acting class and then that’s where I started acting. I had no idea, never wanted to do this stuff, still don’t really want to do it, mate,” he admits. Fimmel is even-keeled, he exudes a thoughtless vibe, and as much as Fimmel plays it all down, one even has to question how hard he worked to get to his current status. Sometimes his nonchalant nature can come off as arrogant, and it’s easy to imagine he’s often misunderstood, but couldn’t care less; he’s just riding the wave. At first, Fimmel took jobs everyone in Hollywood thought would pay dividends but floundered [see: WB’s Tarzan] until he grew a beard and started swinging an axe. Ah, the farm boy swinging the axe again. It’s in History Channel’s Vikings that Fimmel found his niche, receiving acclaim for his portrayal of the contemplative but merciless, Ragnar Lothbrok, a deep-thinking maniac from Viking Age Europe. There is a swagger to his character that is maintained somewhere within Fimmel. When I ask about his association with Ragnar, he states, “Every guy that I know that fights is always the quietest guy in the room; I just try to think more than talk. You’ll always learn more by listening rather than being the loudest guy in the room. And whatever you do, you do because you enjoy it, so I try to make my character enjoy fighting.”

The path straightens. And so we find ourselves back in that Vancouver hotel room, freezing our balls off with Fimmel, as he’s in the midst of shooting the biggest film of his career. With all the aloofness Fimmel radiates, it piques one’s interest to know what he really is passionate about: “Farming, mate. That’s whatI want to do. I love the country. It’s hard to explain. When you grow up in the country you just enjoy it so much. I love animals and I love trees and anything country.”

And, lastly, that beard that’s quickly becoming his trademark: “It just grew I guess, I couldn’t for ages. I would have loved to grow one when I was a kid, I would have loved to have gone to prom and school and shit with a beard.”

Nothing to do with shedding the barefaced image of your Calvin Klein days? “[Audibly scoffs] Shit. I couldn’t grow one then. Otherwise I would have had one.”

That would have been a different path.

[missmartian101]

𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 ━━━ ❥

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ : ɢᴏʀᴇ, ᴀɴɢsᴛ, sᴇʟғ-ʜᴀʀᴍ, ᴄʀʏɪɴɢ, ɪɴsᴇᴄᴜʀɪᴛʏ, ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴs ᴏғ sᴇx, ᴜsᴇ ᴏғ ᴛᴏʙᴀᴄᴄᴏ, ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴs ᴏғ sᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴇ, sᴡᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ.

ᴍɪɴᴏʀs ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛ

ᴘʟᴏᴛ : ɪɴsᴇᴄᴜʀɪᴛʏ sᴇᴇᴍᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙʀᴏᴋᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏᴡɴ, sᴏ ᴅᴀʙɪ ɢᴏᴇs ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ʜɪs ᴡᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ. ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴅᴏᴇs ʜᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡ, ʜᴇ'ᴅ ᴇɴᴅ ᴜᴘ ɪɴ ʙᴇᴅ, ʙɪᴛᴛᴇʀ ʙᴇsɪᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏ.

ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ : 1.7ᴋ

This was a new low, even for you.

You hadn't moved an inch from your bed ever since insecurity had broken you down. Society had crumbled you into the literal epitome of self-hate itself. It's almost as though the world was mocking you for not reaching up to the beauty standards that it held so high.

Was it a punishment? Or was the world more cruel than he thought? Whatever it was, it broke Dabi's heart, shattering it into pieces. It was one thing if civilization came after him. After all, he was a villain, and he's used to the pain. But you? Oh god.

Joshilyn Jackson once said that God gave us crying so other folks could see when we needed help, and help us. But right now, he was cursing the god for making you feel this pain. If anything, the folks were pushing you down into more self-loathing.

Everything he tried ended up nothing more than a failed mission. He'd get up and try, and when he was unsuccessful, he'd go to the roof and cry. It wasn't just the blood of your self harm that he saw everyday, but also the streaks of crimson down his cheeks.

But it was brutal what they'd done to you.

"Doll, please get up for me."

"I still think you're beautiful sweetheart, you don't need to look like the photoshops in the magazines."

"Come on babydoll, at least spread your legs for me. Let me fuck you numb of this cruel pain."

"You need to eat baby mouse, please. Open up."

"No little one... don't do that. Give Dabi the blade back."

There was nothing but pure desperation dripping in his words. Not a trickle of lust, or anger, or demand, or anything for that matter could be heard other than a helpless pleading tone blending in with despair and sadness.

When all was drained and none was well, he'd lay himself beside you, tracing his rough fingers over the cicatrixes that marked itself on your body. Your empty tears would drip on his clothes, mingling with your self harm blood. Though by now, it was normal to him.

Finally, sighing an exhale from his lips, he sat up on the covers. His scarred hand reached up to wipe his droopy tears, cleansing his face of any lingering vulnerability there was still on. He eyes your hollow body for a minute or two before sighing, sitting you up on his lap.

"C'mon dollface... time to get up," he whispered softly to you as he brushed your tears away. "You want something to eat?"

You shook your head softly, staring into abyss. Eating meant weight gain. Weight gain would mean fat. Fat meant ugly. Not like you weren't already. You had self-harm scars practically littered on your thighs and stomach. Something which you hated. But Dabi loved.

His calloused fingers stroked your fresh wounds, feeling the dried blood under his finger pads like bumpy rocky roads of crimson. The scars spoke for themselves when you couldn't, something which he adored while staring at you naked in bed when he'd fuck you.

What you saw as disgusting, he saw as attractive. And what he saw as disgusting, you saw as attractive. He would have been quite the hypocrite to be telling you to embrace your scars while he struggled with his own, so that's why he never did.

His turquoise balls of vision looked down at you, tracing over your features. Every curve, every contour, every imperfection, almost as though he was trying to memorize it. His lips found your cheek, sucking it a small kiss for a reaction.

"Tell me something." He said, his voice low and gruff, with a tinge of vulnerability.

Your hollow eyes leisurely scanned the room until it landed on him, staring at the reflection of cold beauty.

"I wanna fall asleep."

"Fall asleep? Like for a couple hours? Cuz I have sleeping pills for that if you–"

"I meant forever." Your voice spoke, a bit more softer yet firm.

He paused for a moment, his fingers still tracing over your scars. It wasn't... unexpected of you to be suicidal. In fact, he couldn't blame you for wanting to kill yourself, just to get away from this world's harsh criticism. Yet he didn't like the idea of you going to the Reaper.

"Wanna meet your maker, huh doll?"

"Just wanna get away from here..."

"I can tell... can't blame you for wanting to end it all."

He watched your hand slip away to the blade on the nightstand, wrapping your fingers around it. Instinctively, his lips pressed to your shoulder, giving you a kiss as you dragged the blade along your flesh, drawing new lines of blood on your thighs.

His hand went to grab your wrist. He didn't stop you though, he was just making sure you didn't cut yourself too deep. He knew you needed this, to let your emotions loose from the chaos thundering inside your mind.

It was ever so a surprise to you that he wasn't pissed at you for having suicidal thoughts. Then again, he wasn't pissed at you for even self-harming. He never said a word. He just left you in the bathroom until it was finished, and then came back to clean you up.

It made you ponder some nights, why was it he did that? Why was it he would walk out without a word after seeing you tear-streaked, sitting on the bathroom floor with gashes of blood oozing out, only to come back with a first aid kit and patch you up without any anger.

It was bugging you out, and you needed an answer.

"Touya...?" you started cautiously, putting the blade back on the nightstand.

"Hmm?" he hummed in response, completely unfazed by the use of his given name.

By now he was used you calling his real name. It sounded soothing, slipping so sweetly from your lips as though it was made to be said like that.

"Why do you never stop me from cutting myself?"

Again, Dabi paused for a second, thinking his words over before replying back.

"Would you stop if I told you to?"

A wave of silence filled the room, drowning you in his words. Would you if he asked?

"No... I wouldn't."

"Exactly dollface... so why should I stop you?" he spoke simply, pressing a kiss to your nape. "I know it's a coping mechanism... a pretty fucked up one too at that. But it helps nevertheless, yeah? I'd be a hypocrite to tell you for cutting when I burn myself too."

Your eyes shot up at his words, a tinge of confusion and surprise breaking through your hollow demeanor.

"You... you burn yourself?"

"Yeah, I do. To feel."

"To feel... to feel what?"

He shrugged, holding you close, your back pressed to his chest and chin rooted to your locks.

"Just to feel."

"Just to feel?" you repeated his words, slightly annoyed by his vague responses.

He chuckled at your slight irritation, pressing a kiss to your head.

"Yes doll. To feel. Anything but numb."

You looked up at him, watching his stoic expression falter slightly. A flicker of vulnerability cracked through his cold demeanor, alerting you of his broken self.

"You gonna tell me off for it mouse?"

"Of course not. I'd be a humbug if I did."

He raised an eyebrow at your choice of words, chuckling mockingly at them.

"Humbug huh? Where'd you learn that from?"

"A book." you replied, slightly confused.

He scoffed, tangling his fingers in your locks and stroking them between his fingers.

"Interesting book..."

You stayed silent at that, reeking his presence and touch. For a man like him, he must obviously feel insecure too.

"Do you ever hate the way you look?"

"All the time babydoll."

He said it as though it was nothing. Like it meant nothing. The casualty nearly infuriated you.

"Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?"

"Yes I have."

That made you stop again, staring up at him.

"You're just as broken as I am..."

"You have no idea dollface." he drawled, chuckling at your words.

He tugged his teeth softly on your lobe, gauzing out a little whine from you. That was the best he'd gotten from you ever since you'd shut down.

"Doll... I want you to listen to me. And I want you to listen good. Life is gonna be a bitch to you yeah? They're gonna push you down with beauty standards... expectations... of what you have to be. Of what you need to be. But I want you to know, that despite everything we've been through... I think you're perfect just the way you are..."

He leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. He could already see your eyes getting slightly glossy from his reassurance, which earned a smirk from him before he continued.

"...and I don't want you to just take my word for it. I want you to believe in it yourself. To feel it for yourself. I want you to be able to look in the mirror and appreciate yourself for once. Even the flaws... I know it's probably very hypocritical of me since I don't follow it, but I'm trying too mouse. Just hang in there for me yeah? We'll get through this together."

A tinge of pink flushed your cheeks and nose, looking up at his turquoise eyes, which were once a sign of danger, now melted in a form of softness and vulnerability. You reached your pinky down, locking it in his.

"I promise... Touya..."

He snorted, letting out a sardonic chuckle.

"Pink promise huh, little one? What are you, five?"

"Don't ruin it Dabi."

"Alright geez."

He let out a last chuckle before interlocking his pinky with yours, a smirk stitched on his lips.

"Say doll... which of our struggles do you wanna tackle first?"

"One that breaks everyone down like us."

He smirked, leaning in to press a kiss to your cheek. A tiny squeal left your lips, giving him an opportunity to savor your old self, which was back to normal.

"Oh yeah...? And what would that be?"

"It's called Insecurity."

[rippedhopes-blog]

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀The Walking Dead Original Character.⠀⠀ ⠀/ /⠀⠀ ⠀Kellie Donovan.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #356

“i’m just a painting that’s still wet: if you touch me, i’ll be smeared, you’ll be stained, stained for the rest of your life”

Have you ever used emotional blackmail to get your own way? WOW, no. What a starter. Has anybody ever used emotional blackmail on you? Not to my memory. Who did you last worry about and why? Honestly? Myself. My physical health just isn't very good right now. When are you next at work? Do you enjoy your work? N/A When was the last time you ate/drank something gross just to be polite? I'm not sure; I'm honestly very, very bad at this. I struggle big time hiding if I don't like something. Last time you heard a growl, who or what did it come from? My stomach. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? Never. Do you have a mouse for your laptop? (Assuming you have a laptop) I use a mouse. I'm not a big trackpad fan. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. What is your most expensive bill? I don't have any bills that I pay myself, because I can't. Do you have a big yard? No. Is there someone you would love to punch right now? Myself lol. Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm? Yeah, it does. Song playing? I have "Leave A Scar" by Marilyn Manson on. Are you tired? I'm always tired. If you had the power to instantly transform someone’s life (for the better), who would you choose to use this on? My mom. Her entire life has been so fucking unfair, and she doesn't deserve it whatsoever. Just one day of her being perfectly happy would make my entire life. You wake up to a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Your family is safe, but most of your city is zombified. You need weapons and various other supplies. What is your first general course of action? I seriously cannot even begin to imagine what I would do besides panic and be one of the first to die, honestly. If a family member (or boyfriend/girlfriend, if you have one) happened to be infected by one of these undead creatures, how would you go about dealing with that situation? It would tear me to shreds, but shoot them in the head to hopefully prevent them from turning. I couldn't let them suffer. Does someone’s view on homosexuality affect how you feel about them in any way? Sure as hell does. How about someone’s view on religion? This one depends on what their beliefs entail and to what intensity. If you were paralyzed from the neck down, would you still want to continue living? Why or why not? NO. NO. NO. This is seriously one of my biggest fears. Just fucking kill me. That sounds like very legitimate torture to me. Has any medication you’ve taken ever made you sick? How so? Three, to my memory. When I started Latuda, it made me throw up semi-frequently, BUT its effectiveness made me stay on it. My body eventually adjusted. The same thing happened with my current mood stabilizer, Vraylar. I was also on another, Trintellix I think, and that one did nothing but consistently make me puke, so I stopped it. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No. Would you rather drink alone or with friends? With friends. Do you have too much time on your hands? WAY too much time. And yet I do nothing productive with it. Have you ever thought about hurting someone? Not seriously, no. Do you thank people for helping you? Always. Have you ever seen a zebra up close? Yeah, a few. Do you freak out if you see blood? Nah, it doesn't bother me. Have you ever complained to a manager about anything? What was it? No. Are there any songs that make you feel angry inside when you hear them? "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White makes me feel that, among a thousand other emotions that are way too strong for me to handle, so I just don't listen to it. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? YIKES, no. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? I think only my grandmother has done that. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. (: Have you friended your parents on FB? I have my mom on there, but Dad doesn't have a FB. Where do you go out to eat for a special occasion? It depends on what we're in the mood for and what the occasion is. When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” Just "bless you." Have you ever seen the movie A Walk to Remember? Cliche or worth watching? Yeah, it's a wonderful movie. Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? House. Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? Grammatically speaking, any number below ten should be spelled out. I obviously spell out "ten," but w/e. Did you or do you still have a Furby? Was/is it annoying? I did as a kid. It didn't annoy me then, but as an adult I know they're creepy as shit lol. What's one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? I don’t participate in any town events. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouse’s names? Yeah. There's Nick, Josh, and Franky. Do you know how to sew? What's your favorite thing to sew? No. Have you ever owned a turtle? Did it ever bite you when you owned it? It's so awful looking back on, but my sisters and I kept a box turtle that wondered into our yard once as kids. No proper husbandry or anything; it was just in the kiddie pool. Thankfully, we were smart enough to not actually keep it forever (or rather, until it probably died from improper care); we wound up releasing it into the pond near our house, from which we assume it came from. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I do; it comes with the Adobe photography bundle I have. I definitely don't use it daily, or even weekly. Has your school ever had a lockdown? If so, for what reason exactly? No, only drills. Do you enjoy it when your school has drills? (ex/fire or tornado drill?) I didn't, no, because I didn't like imagining the real situation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? I'm an adult, for one. But anyway, I've never watched shows they'd have a problem with. If you have any pets, how would you describe their personalities? The cat, Roman: very, very affectionate, boisterous, demanding, playful, smart as fuck, and shy when it comes to strangers. The snake, Venus: curious, chill, and a bit timid. Do you have any friends that own a private lake? Not to my knowledge. Do you have a drone? No. Who is your favorite comedian? It was John Pinette, but following his death, probably Gabriel Iglesias. Where were you the last time you stayed in a hotel? I think at a dance competition? Do you know anyone with Crohn’s disease? Yeah. Out of all of the shows, movies, and books you love, who is your OTP (one true pairing)? Probably Spyro and Cynder from The Legend of Spyro trilogy. I love them. But I honestly don't have like, intense OTP feelings for any fictional characters? No real reasons, I just don't. Rhett and Link are my *true* OTP haha, but I didn't know if they counted since they're obviously real. Have you ever written a fanfiction? Did people actually like it? Nah. Have you ever liked playing dollmakers or online dress-up games? OH MY GOD my little sister and I would do that together ALL the time. Have you ever sent any celeb fan mail? No. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? Oh yes, he's my shadow. What was the very first social media site you signed up for? Myspace. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? I mean, I know what I want, I just don't know if it's achievable for me. Do you have commitment issues? Nope. If you were to start a business, what kind would it be? I'd love to have like my own facility for boudoir photography. I've only shot boudoir once, but it immediately became a passion because of how empowering it was for my then-friend. I could go on a real ramble as to why I love it. What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? Been to psychiatric hospitals like six times. I honestly did lose count. Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. What was the last thing you drank? Water. Truly incredible, I know. What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? *shrug* Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? No. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad and his wife. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? That dinosaurs never existed. What was the very first election you voted in? This past one, actually. Do you feel positive and optimistic about your future? I don't want to think about this. What exes do you still associate with? Just Sara and Girt. Who told you they loved you last? My mom. Your worst enemy? I don't say I have any enemies. People who don't like me or I don't like them, but "enemy" isn't the proper word. What was your last dream about? Ugh. What a fucking question to ask, considering what I dreamt last night. I had both a nightmare and a normal dream; in the nightmare, I was sucked up into a tornado and carried away, and it felt so, so real. I was terrified. The dream is more vague in my memory, but I know I was at Jason's house (which wasn't actually his house) and his mom was still alive. I was hanging out with her and just chatting. It made me wake up in a really somber mood. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Psych hospitals, yes. Have you ever built a snowman? Yeah. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate. Do you have any scars? I have a lot, but most are from negligible instances that just won't go away for some reason. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? Putting all impossibilities aside as well as any potential health repercussions, maybe a meerkat and an opossum? Just in general a meerkat with a marsupial tail would be SO cute. Plus imagine the pattern. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Oh I don't know. Can you do any accents other than your own? I can pull off a really convincing British one. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. No. I just get clean, get out. I've always hated showering (the process anyway, I obviously enjoy feeling clean), so I get my business done adequately and then I'm done. Do you believe in aliens? Eh, maybe. It does seem pretty questionable to believe NOTHING else can exist in an infinite space. I doubt they're little green men, though. What do you think about babies? WAY too much work and WAY too much responsibility. Keeping another life safe, healthy, happy... the idea alone is terrifying. No thanks.

[wandaluvstacos]

Chapter 37 of Pretty Things is up!

Chapters 1 & 2 are free.

Pretty Things is part of the Sponsors universe, but you don’t need to have read The Sponsors to understand it (hopefully!). Please forgive the poorly photoshopped cover. :( I plan on doing it as a digital illustration at some point.

Summary:

As zhalja to the eldest prince, Rhazaaq Samir has the most enviable position a slave could boast. Yet with all the glamor and prestige that comes with being a royal zhalja, Samir isn’t living the luxurious life other see. While his sponsor Rhazaaq Zhafal is fair despite his cold nature, Zhafal’s half-brother Uyhem harbors a terrifying obsession with Samir that flips between adoring and violent at the speed of a changing wind. To ensure an illusion of safety, Samir begins building a coalition of valuable allies, from servants to ex-smugglers, who can help him cement what little control he can possess. Despite all his efforts, Uyhem’s overbearance cannot be denied, which is how Samir ends up at a gladiator fight, where thieves and prisoners of war are forced to battle it out for the amusement of the Empire’s populace. It’s at a fight that Samir meets a Mulli soldier captured from the Hahnar Empire’s rival, someone who claims to know him from a past life— one that Samir has tried to forget.

Forced together at Uyhem’s insistence, Samir grudgingly learns more about this Mulli soldier, and in the process, develops the first glimmer of hope for escape.

Artwork and a chapter archive can be found HERE.

Excerpt:

Mamoud turned away, going quiet. Taleen sucked in a deep breath and tried to rein in the tidal wave of emotion that battered his insides. Mamoud wasn’t attacking him. He was only concerned. But Taleen had spent the past week awaiting an attack that hadn’t yet come, so any pushback at all felt like the inevitable battle he’d been expecting. You’re safe, no one is going to hurt you, he told himself over and over, like a mantra. And yet he still was not convinced.

Mamoud reached out and took his hand, squeezing it.

“I’m sorry,” Taleen muttered. “I don’t mean to snap.”

“It’s alright. I can take it,” Mamoud replied with a hint of a smile.

“You shouldn’t have to. You’re the last person I should be yelling at.”

“But I’m probably the only person who knows why you do.”

“I thought… I thought I’d feel better. I thought that finding my mother would be the end of…” Taleen waved his hand toward his head, “… all this.”

Mamoud shook his head. “It’s going to take a very long time, love.”

Taleen told himself he wasn’t going to cry—that he’d cried enough for two lifetimes on the day he reunited with his mother—but he fought back the urge once again. He’d come all this way with the promise of relief, and yet he couldn’t relax, couldn’t focus, couldn’t stop looking over his shoulder, couldn’t trust anyone but his mother and Mamoud. He’d left a life rife with threats and had now created another one in his own head.

Mamoud reached over and rested a hand on the side of Taleen’s neck. “There’s the pain of receiving a wound and the pain of healing from it. Healing is a preferable pain, if you ask me. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. You cannot overcome this overnight.”

“You seem to be doing well enough.”

“Am I?”

Taleen met his dark gaze and felt awful all over again. Maybe Taleen wasn’t as good at reading people as he’d thought. Or maybe he just hadn’t been searching, so consumed by his own agony. Taleen stood and crossed the space between them, coming to stand between Mamoud’s legs. He gently wrapped his arms around Mamoud’s head and pulled it against his chest, leaning down to kiss the top of it.

“I’m here for you when you need me,” Taleen whispered.

Mamoud lightly grasped Taleen around the waist. “I know.”

[medea10]

My Review of Aggretsuko

Her one bright spot in this day-in, day-out hellhole is her mic, a karaoke business, a solo room, and blazing death metal. Once she’s singing some hardcore death metal and unleashes her fury of her hectic workday, she’s ready to take on the world again. And just like with the Hello Kitty world, this series has many animals with quite the interesting line-up of quirks. For example we’ve got a sly fox who monitors Instagram, a suck-up dog, a hygena who is into rock, a fashionable gorilla who’s friends with a bird, a hippo that’s a spy, and yeah, the chauvinistic pig who’s also the boss. BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: So this anime is sort of exclusive to Netflix in every aspect (that includes in Japan). I’m noticing a lot of popular anime titles are being exclusive to Netflix. I mean, if they’re able to air them weekly as they air in Japan, I have no problem. It’s just the waiting for something to air and then they decide to bundle everything so you can binge watch is where I have a problem. Believe it or not, I’m not a binge-watcher. Every now and then I can breeze through at the most 6 episodes in a whole day, but a whole series or season, no! Yeah, Medea has a life outside of anime reviews (shocking)! I only did that once and that was a good eight years ago. But I digress! I will say that Netflix got their shit together better than Amazon. Anime Strike was such a major fuck-up from day one. Thank God it’s dead. Anyways, this does include an English dub. By the looks of all the Netflix exclusive animes, they all seem to be dubbed by VSI in L.A. (I guess a smaller version of Bang Zoom productions) with Patrick Seitz doing a lot of the casting. This was a very well casted dub (which is more than what I can say about a certain redub they did recently). But I really do love this dub with Erica Mendez, G.K. Bowes, Ben Diskin, Ray Chase, and many others. And oh my God, Jamison Boaz is like the best with the metal Retsuko moments! With the sub, you will not find much info on the voice of Retsuko. Rumor has it that she’s married to the guy who does the screaming death metal for Retsuko (who is also the director of Aggretsuko). Here’s what you might recognize these folks from. JAPANESE CAST: *Retsuko is played by Kaolip *Retsuko (metal version) is played by Rareko (director of Aggretsuko) *Haida is played by Shingo Katou *Fenneko is played by Marina Inoue (known for Aria on Pokemon XY, Armin on Attack on Titan, Yoko on Gurren Lagann, Jessica on Umineko, Kyouko on Skip Beat, Wataru on Hayate, and Rei on H.O.T.D.) ENGLISH CAST: *Retsuko is played by Erica Mendez (known for Ryuko on Kill la Kill, Haruka/Uranus on Sailor Moon redub, Emma on The Promised Neverland, Nico on Love Live, Yuuki on SAO II, Tsuruko on Anohana, and Tsubaki on Your Lie in April) *Retsuko (metal version) is played by Jamison Boaz *Haida is played by Ben Diskin (known for Sai on Naruto Shippuden, Satoru on ERASED, Joseph/Jojo on Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, Umino on Sailor Moon redub, and Numba 1 on Kids Next Door) *Fenneko is played by Katelyn Gault (known for Prof Badcock on Little Witch Academia) FAVORITE CHARACTER: I’m a Fenneko fan. What’s not to like? Her mischievous behavior, her social media activity, and that freakin’ laugh! DISLIKED CHARACTER: It’s hard to find characters to hate here! Believe it or not once you get past the debut episode of an asshole character, you see them for more than just an asshole and think, maybe they’re not that much of an asshole. Yeah, in all good conscience I can’t really add Ton even if he’s a sexist pig. And Anai just needed to be pushed in the right direction so he can succeed. I don’t fully hate Anai…I fear him. Wait a second and I’ll talk a bit below! Then there are those characters who still rub on me the wrong way and those characters are Tsubone, Tsunoda, and Komiya. But I’m laying off Komiya. I don’t know why! Maybe it’s because Todd Haberkorn plays this little brown-noser that it makes me laugh to a point where I can’t hate on him. Yeah, Haberkorn is that good! Tsunoda knows the game and does what she has to do in order to survive in the office and on social media. I’m not thrilled to witness females put on the charm at the workplace the way she does, but you know it happens. Tsubone just seems like such a bitch so for the moment I’ll leave her on my dislike corner. Okay, anybody else? Shit. Retsuko’s mother!

Yeah, as I mentioned recently in my Top 10 Worst Anime Mothers list, I had to put Retsuko’s mother on there. She was such a pushy mama that she did so much damage to her daughter’s life. Okay lady, lay the fuck off! Your daughter is not living with you at home, she has a stable job, and she’s making the most of her life. She doesn’t need you giving her embarrassing clothes to wear, hooking her up with random bachelors, flat-out lie to her with photoshopped photos, force her on speed-dating, break into her apartment, and just be a complete hypocrite! SHIPPING: Retsuko has had quite the romantic cycle throughout the 20 episodes. Let’s go down this list, shall we? Retsuko x Haida: Ah, the little ship that can’t even leave port. Haida has had this humungous crush on Retsuko throughout the entire series. However this love is unrequited. Retsuko just sees Haida as a workmate and a friend, nothing more. Haida has been friend-zoned so many times. Even when he tries to release his feelings towards Retsuko, most of the time it would fall on deaf ears or in the case of season one’s finale/Christmas special, a rejection. Then again, it came right after a break-up and no one wants a rebound! But I do find myself rooting for this little ship to one day set sail. I know one day they’ll be together and I will await for that to happen. Retsuko x Resasuke: I really don’t know what drew Retsuko to this pot-plant. Yeah, I call Resasuke a pot-plant because of his nothing phases him attitude, his abundance of plants at home, and monotone voice. IT DOESN’T HELP THAT HE’S VOICED BY SAITAMA! It was pretty clear that there were a lot of loose connections between this couple that despite both Retsuko and Resasuke having some things in common, not going to work. It was not the best of ships. Retsuko x Tadano: Tadano was the man in Retsuko’s life that could have given her anything her heart desires. Everything except a family since Tadano doesn’t want to get married or start a family. Retsuko always dreamed of having a sugar daddy of a husband so that she could quit her soul-crushing job (at least that’s what she wanted in season one). But in season two she realized that she likes her job and wants to be with someone that resonates with her. As for wanting a family, Retsuko kind of grew to the idea of one day becoming a wife and mother. But Tadano wants nothing to do with that. Retsuko x Shirota: Aw, this was kinda cute even though these two were totally hooked up because of their nosy mothers. Retsuko at the time was scared at the prospect of getting married and Shirota completely understood. But when Retsuko asked about Shirota after some time had passed, Retsuko’s mother said that he was hooked up with another girl and it’s going well. I felt that sting all the way over here. I know he was the right guy at the wrong time, but I felt for Retsuko. Second place for me in the shipping department. Retsuko x Anai: GOOD FUCKDOM NO! Who would ask for this to happen?! TWO THINGS THAT FRIGHTEN ME: Yep, two things frighten me quite a bit. First thing would be whenever Ton smiles. I know most of the time when he’s smiling, it’s one of those fake as hell smiles, but they are frightening to see regardless. And the whole floor agrees as seeing that scared the ever-loving crap out of everyone there. And second…Anai! When you first meet him, you think he’s a positive go-getter. But when he’s behind his cellphone, he is downright scary. He ends up cyber-stalking half the office including Retsuko, Haida, and even Ton. ENDING TO SEASON ONE: We all know how much Haida has a this huge crush on Retsuko right? Let’s add a new love interest to spice things up! An absolute space cadet by the name of Resasuke! Retsuko has seen him around the office and on the train when she’s on the way to work. The only problem is, no one is able to get through to him…he’s so spacey! So one night, Retsuko gets roped into going on a speed date with some of the girls in the office. And the men they met are also some men from the office. And Retsuko surprisingly wound up having a meaningful conversation with Resasuke. Through text messages. Even though they’re right in front of each other. Sighs in disgust because I really hate that in real life as to showing my real age. Actually, I probably shouldn't scold the boy as he could be on the Autism Spectrum and has problems communicating normally with people in social interactions. Unfortunately, Retsuko winds up drinking too much alcohol that night and forgets key parts of what happened. All she knows is that when she woke up, her heart was all pitter-patter. It must be indegest…no, it’s love! Retsuko definitely sees something in Resasuke that no one else can see. Not even Washimi or Gouri can see it! But the important thing is that Retsuko is on cloud nine that nothing gets her down and when nothing gets her down, she’s not going to go “metal”. However, the “metal” side was ready to peak out. It’s clear that Resasuke doesn’t know much about relationships or other social interaction for that matter. He can’t tell when Retsuko is in pain and isn’t that considerate to her. Plus he wasn’t really the one who wanted to go on the dates. He was always put up by one of his co-workers. Meanwhile, Haida (who has had a major crush on Retsuko from the beginning) has been super moody. He gets so drunk one night and ends up the hospital because dumbass injured himself accidentally. So the following day at work was hectic for Retsuko, Fenneko, and Ton. During that long day of work, Retsuko’s boss (while always grumpy and insulting to Retsuko) made a little sense to her today. His words kinda hit Retsuko in the terms of the relationship dilemma. I know he meant it in terms of the accounting job, but I think it struck a nerve with how Retsuko is in her relationship with Resasuke. “If you keep giving out more than what you’re getting back in return, eventually there ain’t gonna be anything left” So…Retsuko took Resasuke to karaoke and expressed it all out. In the end, Retsuko and Resasuke split up. But could there be hope for Haida now? Well, we close things out in Haida’s hospital room and Retsuko visits him. And surprise, surprise, it looks like a love confession! What will Retsuko say? Tune in next ti…end of the season now! CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: Unlike all the other episodes (which are 13 minutes long at most), this one is a full 22 minute special. We start the Christmas special with what Retsuko said to Haida. It was a rejection. So you know Haida was going to be a depressed basket case for a while. But let’s not worry about that now, it’s Christmas time! And the episode focuses on what everyone around the office is doing for the special holiday. Tsunoda’s going out with a guy (no surprise there). Kabae is spending it with her husband and three kids (and also hide the presents so the kids won’t find them). Before Retsuko could figure out what she wants to do, in comes Ton with paperwork that needs to be done by the end of the night. Retsuko still put up a brave front finishing her work and also fooling social media that she’s having a fabulous dinner. But Fenneko knew that was a lie when she saw the picture and told Haida that she’s at work suffering through paperwork. And being the hopeless romantic, Haida tries to get to the office to help her, but found she was no longer there when he arrived. After Retsuko finished, her friends Gouri and Washimi swooped in and treated her to dinner. But after dinner, Retsuko bumped into Haida…so Haida got a little lucky there. And he got to spend a few moments alone with Retsuko. SEASON TWO: After the success Aggretsuko made in 2018, strike twice while the iron is still hot! Season two dropped this June with brand new characters, new love interests, and so much METAL! Actually, not as many metal moments as season one, but still there. Retsuko had her hands full all through this season with her mother setting her up with “eligible” bachelors, work still giving her the business, a new guy at work who’s possessed by Beelzebub’s cellphone, getting her driver’s license, and possibly meeting the man of her dreams. And with all those, Retsuko’s going to need some time in the karaoke booth to let out this pile of rage. And this season we meet Retsuko’s mother (a different shade of panda than her daughter), a woman who is way too invasive of her daughter’s privacy and home life. Then we have Anai (a badger), a straight out of college newbie at work. If even one thing is said to him that even seems 1% offensive, he will break out his phone and cyber stalk that person and threaten them with a harassment charge. And then there’s Tadano (a donkey) who Retsuko meets in a driver’s education course. Oh, wait until you meet Tadano! END OF SEASON TWO: As it turns out, Tadano (the guy Retsuko meets at Driver’s Ed) isn’t really a slacker like she thought at first, but a multi-millionaire with his work in A.I. He’s a major celebrity in the tech world and Retsuko’s company wants to partner with him. Meanwhile Tadano has eyes for Retsuko…as a love interest! This could be it! This could be Retsuko’s chance at absolute happiness, where she can have anything in the world with this sugar daddy. There’s a drawback to this. Recently, Retsuko has been thinking if she’s really wife/mother material after seeing some of her coworkers (like Kabae and Ton with their families). Plus the whole marriage conversation with her mom probably got to her too. So she’s thinking more and more about starting a family. However… Tadano has NO interest in either marriage or having kids! For some time, Retsuko and Tadano were seeing each other privately. But somehow, someone got pictures of them together and it spread throughout the internet. And everyone, including Retsuko’s mother, friends, and co-workers were blown off their asses when they saw pictures of Retsuko with Tadano. Meanwhile, Haida got drunk and wound up on his back again! Retsuko tried her best to see the bright side of all this. But she kept running into hate-filled posts bashing her for dating Tadano. And the whole dilemma that she and Tadano aren’t on the same wavelengths when it comes to marriage and family is digging at her like a shiv. Add to that, Tadano wants Retsuko to quit her job since he believes her job will be obsolete once his A.I. business takes over. After some soul searching, Retsuko came back to work after a few days of being AWOL and was ready to hand Ton her resignation letter. Ton sat back and watched all this happen and wouldn’t accept this. He gives her shit literally every day of her job, even giving her the nickname “Calander” because her “days are numbered”. But he knows that all of this isn’t even her deciding. Tadano is doing all the talking and actions for her. Once again, Ton was able to reach Retsuko with his words. So Retsuko knows what she must do. Retsuko’s friends Washimi and Gouri put aside a heated fight they previously had in order to help. So they ambushed Tadano, had Haida take care of his entourage, and have Retsuko hijack his limo. Their destination, the karoke bar! And that’s when Retsuko released out everything through METAL! In short, Retsuko and Tadano split up. So she’s (once again) back at square one. But it was fun, right?! Wow, this is pretty…real to me. In fact, it’s almost on Bojack Horseman levels. Yeah, you can tell I’ve dived into Netflix. Cartoons with cute animals in it…but they deal with adult issues. Yeah, animation’s not always for kids (otherwise I would have watched a lot more Ralph Bakshi when I was 7). Anyways, this anime does speak to me and just about anyone with a job that causes you immense stress. Retsuko gets the shit-deal at her work which causes her to vent it out in a karaoke booth. A job that chips away at you every single day you’re there. Disappointment of every variety when some shred of hope pops through. Workers who take advantage of the hard work you put in. Drunk boss that stumbles into work late and passes out hungover. Working 10 hour days with no overtime pay! Having that drunk idiot boss always calling in sick because he’s hungover from the night before. Whoops, those last three were my bad experiences with a bad job. The working world can be cruel. I’m glad I left that nightmare job for the good old store that rhymes with Mole Goods. It has its ups and downs but it’s been kind enough to me for me to stay in the company for almost 12 years at this point and time. But everyone has their own reasons for staying at a job that abuses you. Mostly survival! Retsuko wishes that she could find a rich husband so that she could quit this horrible job. Don’t we all? Sadly things can’t be like the way they were in post-war era United States (or so I imagine). In my case, the middle class is a gangrene arm ready to be chopped off, cost of college is expeninential and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to pay off my student loans 30 years after I die. Depending on what economic world you’re in, it’s almost impossible to quit your stable job to be a housewife. Unless you’re Marge Simpson or part of the elite 1% there’s no fucking way. And then Tadano shows up! But funny thing, money can’t buy you happiness! Sure it’s great if you could find a sugar daddy husband, but if there’s no real love or compatibility, it’s not gonna last. The love issues Retsuko had these last two seasons…I can’t really relate. Thankfully, my mother is not as neurotic about me finding a husband. As I have been butt-fucked in the relationship department, I don’t give a shit about finding a mate (at the moment) and my mother has accepted that. And I’ve never really felt anything for workmates nor have I ever met a young entrapeneur. I’m sure other people can relate to some of these issues, but not me. Thankfully we see different views on marriage from different characters. Fenneko believes people her age don’t even think about it and hopefully they’ll be the generation to kill the idea of marriage, Haida is still a hopeless romantic when it comes to Retsuko, Gouri will get back up after being heartbroken time and time again, Washimi thinks marriage isn’t worth it and even sheds light on an old marriage during the second season, Ton is married and has two kids (though he seems pretty put-off by them), and then you have Kabae who has a husband and three little kids and she’s happy with her family every single day! Back to the working world topic, Aggretsuko showed how much the working world impacts us. Without having a character say it, this anime brought out many thoughts when we see many of these characters. For example, Anai! Many fans hated this guy the second he started cyber-bullying Retsuko. But others see Anai as a guy with the adult world finally crushing down on him. An ugly glimpse at how life can be (particularly in Japan). He’s fresh out of college and sometimes college does NOT prepare you for the real working world. And as we all know this cruel statistic, Japan has the highest rate of suicides in several age brakets in the world. Including young teenagers! An atmosphere of failure can cause one to do that or act erraticly. Aggretsuko doesn’t necessarily say this, but it’s very much felt that it’s implied if you think about it. Yes, I still find Anai to be a bit of that millennial shit that feels offended by anything even when a co-worker is trying to help them. But if you think about it, all of this feels new and scary. I’m sure everybody in the office at the beginning of their job experience had felt this scary feeling before. Man, these shows really get me to think a bit! I do recommend this anime to just about anyone. Just note that this anime is NOT as depressing as Bojack Horseman. But it can get real at times that makes you step back and say, “Wow, I can totally relate.” And to anyone who is a total metal-head (like me) might enjoy those parts when Retsuko screams into a microphone. This anime is only available through Netflix. It shouldn’t take you too long to finish though as each episode is approximately 15 minutes each and there’s only 20 episodes overall (+ one special). Okay, now that Aggretsuko is done...what's next?

Little Witch Academia it is!

[violetbeachpod]

1x01 / twelve oh one

TERESA:

Okay, so–it’s recording. Cool .

Um. It’s Wednesday. It’s been nine days since–eight days, maybe? –well, if you’re listening, at this point, you know what it was–Benji says we’re gonna publish this, but, like, no. That’s–that’s ridiculous. This is for science.

Or our memoirs. Whatever.

We’ve–the seven of us have decided to keep a log. Of what’s been going on.

Um. So. Cool. Name and deets, just in case some more weird memory shit goes down–My name’s Teresa. I’m eighteen. I’m an Aries, I like bowling and shitty pop music, and only mostly ironically. That enough fluff? I’m a freshman at, ah, Lands College, here in town, and. Studying journalism, with a minor in women’s studies, uh–anything else–I feel like this would be a better story if I start showing, rather than telling.

Or, like. Telling stories rather than just reading out my dating profile. Because that’s lame.

My dating profile’s actually–it’s a lot more detailed than that. I’m on, like, seven different sites, and every profile is. Very Different.

(text notification sound)

Anj, stop–stop listening in! You–you–dude, take a nap.

So. Anyway. Here’s what we know.

(long beat)

That was good, right? A good joke? That’s something. Um. Cuz we don’t know very much at all. There’s something there, I swear, like, I rehearsed that bit in the bathroom mirror this morning, and I was thinking, no, I won’t pull that, but–

But. Back to the point.

Y’know how, in movies, people are always like, “Nobody knows except for us?”

That’s so exclusive. So presumptuous. We don’t know if people are lying. We haven’t spoken to every person on the planet–we haven’t even spoken to anyone outside of Maryland. Outside of town. Like. We’ve watched news, but God knows, some of those conspiracies about hypnosis through CNN are real, or whatever. Y’know? Like–those conspiracies are almost exclusively believed in by, like, flat-earthing racists, so, like, they’re probably, definitely super wrong, but–I was making a joke and I’m overthinking it now. Cool.

Anyway. We don’t know who knows. Maybe someone in, like, Caracas, knows? Maybe someone in–you get my point–knows.

Or maybe we’re being Truman Showed. Wouldn’t be the worst theory to have come out of this.

I would–well, I’d hate it, but one time, back in middle school, the public library did these–these movie nights for teenagers, right? And, so, uh, a bunch of us were there, and I was sitting with Angie, cuz she was–she was the only person I knew there, of course, and she was sitting with these kids, like–uh, from the hippie school she had taken in, and–one of them was AJ, I know, and one was Charlotte. but the others, I don’t see anymore.

But anyway, she was, like, starry-eyed at the idea of her life being a TV show without her knowing. At the idea of unintentional stardoms. So maybe she’ll get a kick out of that theory.

Here’s something: I was working on my campaign notes earlier, cuz the group’s meeting tomorrow, should meet tomorrow  and I didn’t really–I didn’t like a few of the potentials, so, whatever. Irrelevant.

I checked the time, and–well. It was twelve oh one. And two minutes later, it was still twelve oh one. And now, it’s still twelve oh one.

I thought maybe my laptop was being bad again? But it said the same on my phone, and on the wall clock.

The app says time is passing. It’s been longer than fifty-nine seconds.

It’s still twelve oh one, though, is the thing. Which isn’t great, all things considered.

But, we’ll catch up on that later.

Here’s the big thing. I went back to the beach last night to see if I could recreate what happened alone, and, uh–at least. I think I did. I don’t remember going, but, uh, Angie says I did, and AJ said that when he was closing at work, he saw me walking towards it. But I didn’t–I didn’t go.

There are sixty-nine–which, yeah, nice, that’s the sex number, whatever–sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, and, like–I can make out letters on some of them them? Individual letters? But not words. And I know that they’re making words, and I know that it’s my handwriting, but my brain just–it goes somewhere else.

And other ones, that I can read, they have dumb stuff. One of them’s just a doodle of David Hyde Pierce with a caption that just says “HELL YEAH. LOOK AT THE MOON WEDNESDAY.”

It’s, like–in fairness to me, or the person I assume to be me, it’s a fairly good David Hyde Pierce. And there’s–there’s a new moon tonight, so–well.

Whatever.

It’s still twelve oh–oop. Nevermind. Twelve oh two now. Nice.

Benji wants me to take off work until this whole thing’s sorted out. Says he’ll still pay me, but, like–being yelled at by awful dudes about trivia that nobody knows is kind of the only constant in my life right now? So I said no. Obviously. Like. It sucks, but it makes me feel normal. Like the beach out by Angie’s place did, before–

Well. Maybe some recollection would be nice, I guess. Just so, like, Danny and company–like, if we end up showing them. Cuz I’m better at sticking to the facts than, say, Robin or Charlotte. So. Yeah.

So. Uh.

Most folks know that she transferred in after a semester at–well, I’m not allowed to say the name of the school in front of her, anymore, and she’s, like, giving me death-eyes out of the bedroom door. But. A certain Ivy League school. This is relevant–

Okay, maybe not, but it’s a nice set up to our establishing shot, which is, of course, her New Year’s party, nine days ago. At her parents’ place. Or, eight days ago, at her parents’ place, I guess. She told us on New Year’s Eve that she was starting at Lands on the fourth, and I offered her a stay in my dorm, cuz I had a single, and, uh, it sucked? But. Whatever.

So I said, “You know, I have a single.” And she said–wait, lemme find my journal–yes, I do write down conversations, Angie.

Alright. She said, “Oh, really, is it on–Bandcamp, Soundcloud, iTunes, MySpace? I didn’t know you–” And I said, “I meant dorm room, dude, you mentioned–MySpace?”

She said, “I still use it.” I laughed, “Of course you do.”

But, anyway. We agreed to live together, but. It was one AM. Robin Cabell dropped by with her new fiancee, said hi, and–well, like, our babysitter’s getting married, to, like, this gorgeous girl from DC, and the high school kids from the hippie school were there, and Benji was there, cuz he’s everywhere, and–

As folks left–Angie started playing Wonderwall around 3AM, so, uh, a little bit before then–it ended up just being the seven of us. Her parents are out of town–as always. Well, not always. But frequently.

They’re mad about–Blarvardgate.

I–I didn’t say it! I said something mildly close alluding to it. Stop texting me!

But. It was just the seven of us there, Angie still playing some terrible 90s song, and–Benji says, “I brought fireworks. Forgot about that til now.” Elaine, uh, Robin’s new fiancee, asked, “They legal?”

Benji said, “It’s New Year’s Day and I’m a–a bit of a town celebrity,” he said, because his podcast gets, like, seventeen downloads per episode.

“You are?” asked Elaine.

He got really proud, real fast, and he said, “Yes, absolutely, and also, I’m at some rich people’s house and it’s New Year’s Day, so, like. We’ll be fine.”

Which, fair.

And that’s about when things blew up?

Ironically, not literally, cuz he went to his truck, and brought out the fireworks, and he was–well. It was New Year’s, he wasn’t sober, so, he tripped, and those things went flying, landing in the water. It was a bad fall, he hit his head on a rock. And Charlotte was laughing, and she was wading right where the waves were breaking, and she fell backwards, so–AJ panicked, and he jumped in after her, cuz she wasn’t coming up.

And AJ came up, holding Char so she could stand, and she was coughing up water, looked like she was about to pass out. I was checking out Benji’s wound, even though, I’m, like,–blood? Not my thing, ever, at all, it’s–it’s weird and red, and Angie was getting up to check on me, and Rob and her fiancee were trying to help out the kids, and–

And the sky went bright purple.

Not, like, when it’s a sunset, and the sky’s kinda magenta? And that’s blending into the night-sky color, but–

Like, highest saturation on photoshop, highest brightness, makes-you-almost vomit cuz your eyes are burning, that bright purple.

And my skin, it felt like it was burning. I smelled salt, felt a breeze, and I tried to close my eyes, to breathe out, but I couldn’t.

And then there was nothing.

And then I woke up on the beach. I could smell salt, I was totally clear-headed–and Benji’s cut? It was gone.

My watch said it was around 4AM. My phone was dead, but–it was the first, still. The sun was rising, in–in normal sky colors.

And I woke up second. Elaine was already up.

She asked me if I saw it too.

I said I that did.

Neither of us needed to clarify what. But we did. Obviously. Because “it” could be, like, anything, like–could be that new reality show that everyone’s super into where eliminations are decided by arm wrestles–it’s, like–it’s got compelling storylines, I swear.

My phone died, Angie, so if you’re trying to communicate, I can’t help you.

Oh! Time’s passing normally now. That’s nice. That’s good.

The plan was to recount the past week’s events, as well as their psychological effect on us. That’s what we agreed on.

So. Time stopped for a little while today. That was weird. That’s important.

I guess–I’m first, so I should talk about my other big experience too.

I was the fourth of us to see something, after it all? It was the third. After work, I was walkin’ to Ramon’s? And as I passed the custard stand, I saw this woman.

She was shorter than me, uh, long sundress on that was way too summery for this weather, but she didn’t seem cold. I offered her my hoodie, cuz I at least had long sleeves, but she didn’t answer. Dark hair, big sunglasses. I’d wager maybe thirty.

She took off her sunglasses, yeah? And the sky flashed purple–the same purple, the same burning feeling all over me–

And then the same nothingness, same smell of salt, same breeze, but–

I was still standing. And we were in this space, this–this purple nothingness, no ground, no sky, no nothing, that’s a double negative, you get what I mean, and–I was still standing–more floating, which was–not as pleasant as you’d expect? But not unpleasant, either. And this woman, she looked at me,  dead in the eyes, and–

And she said–

(beat, uncomfortable)

What did she say?

(laughs)

It’s–it’s in my head, like. Tip of my tongue. I wrote it down, but it’s–it’s another individual letters making out a word I know but can’t–type situation.

But whatever.

What I’m most concerned about is my going to the beach. About the sticky notes. Like, that’s some sci-fi bullshit. Or some horror bullshit. Either or. Probably both.

Again, Truman Showed. Viable theory, here.

Or it has something to do with the Groundhog Day thing. Maybe.

I think what bothers me about this is how easy I’m accepting all this–that, like, I’m fairly sure all this is real. I know it’s–it’s weird. I know that this is sci-fi-esque, but, like–I never saw myself as a protagonist, or–any kind of tagonist, I guess, in those stories. But this–now, I think that I am.

So. Cool.

But why do I think that’s cool? I’m the–I’m the socially-stilted nerdy girl who either dies second or gets really good at guns, and I’m very afraid of guns.

So, therefore? I’m dying second.

Or, or or or, I’m Lois Lane. Charming and tough young journalist, swept off her feet by a charming stranger. Hopefully not a Superman, though, cuz–he’s not my thing. But. Yeah. I can deal with Lois.

I feel like I should know what happens next. Me or Benji, we gotta, we’re the ones who know genre like the backs of our hands. That’s why we’re friends, but–

This isn’t supposed to happen here. Like, I grew up here, and I’m–I wasn’t planning to stay here forever, obviously, but–This town, VB, it’s–it’s comforting in its boringness. Sure, it’s not– the people here are always cycling in-and-out, cuz tourism and school, and all that, but–Violet Beach is a normal-ass town. We don’t have ghost stories, we don’t have cryptids, we–we don’t have lore, or whatever. I don’t think there’s ever been a murder here, for God’s sake.

Okay, well–the hippie school’s headmaster, uh, the rebrander guy, Andrew Corielli, or–his son’s the mayor, right?–Shot that grocer, like, in the sixties. But everyone was a serial killer back then, if I can trust every true crime show ever.

But–my point is. What’s going on is not what happens in this town. What’s going on is what goes on in, like, Roswell, or–or Twin Peaks, or something.

I’m–I don’t have much else to say. That’s a conclusion if there ever was one. So. Uh.

Okay. I’m signing off. Thanks, guys. Hope to see you soon.

[elizabethrobertajones]

I'm really struggling w trying to get my mom (who's views on feminism are getting confronted by me everyday it seems, while claiming to be pro and shipping destiel) to understand why the women we've had on spn have been great but the writers sumtimes fuck up what we're looking for as an represented audience. (PT 1)

She hates Amara, Lilith, Meg, Lisa, Mary, anael, hannah, Jo etc and it’s frustrating bc I can’t properly convey why they’re imp w/o a structured argument that I don’t wanna have, or am unable to. Why bucklemming and Lucifer suck, why the brothers need to split. What would u say? How do I fight for these women and get the point of spn across successfully? (PT 2)

Heya! 

Argh, I’m sorry you’re having this issue because my mum seems to be 100% onboard with eeeeeverything as it comes up so I wish you could have had the same experience as me with the watching D:

I guess when you’re watching with her, try to go more subtle than insisting she like them outright immediately, but comment as things happen on how the female characters are coming across on screen - point out when they’re emotionally wounded, or conflicted, or explain their motivations in context… So if you’re watching Amara smashing stuff up in 11x09, and your mum is like ugh why is she killing all these people I hate her, explain the irony she has about trying to find her brother and how she’s personified as very human despite her eldritch origins, that in that moment they’re showing someone who has walked into a world where her brother has been slandering her so much that even his random minions he created all just implicitly know she’s evil and must be vanquished without ever asking her opinion… 

If there’s characters she likes, like maybe hopefully Jody???? try comparing Jody as a mom to Mary just to say that they’ve all had losses and idk stick on 12x06 because why WOULDN’T you rewatch it, but you can also kinda point out with more hindsight she’ll have after another season and a half about how Mary has been suffering, so if you’re rewatching you have a lot more ammo to make random comments as things happen like “Oh she and Jody both lost their kids how sad :( :( :( :( Jody can really understand what Mary is going through” nonsense

I mean I don’t know if that’s your style but I am a person who if we’re all rewatching will happily make little comments about the sort of bigger picture we know from later or muse on if things were foreshadowing and stuff… if you can pick random small moments to make comments which aren’t wildly controversial, hopefully, and seem to just be commenting on the moment as it’s happening, maybe you can build a sort of picture over time of how you see empathy and connections to the characters, without pinning your mom down and lecturing her? 

It’s waaaaaay less aggressive and you don’t actually want to get into a fight over it. if she’s pro-Destiel hopefully she’s actually pretty cool deep down, but we’re all kinda brainwashed by society to dislike female characters and not to value them as much or to second guess their motives. And especially in the first chunks of the show the female characters get very little POV motivation. I mean it happens all the way throughout, so commenting stuff like “it’s so sad we didn’t get to see what happened with Wendy” at the end of 13x11 when they just skip over that she’s now safe for time, and do the Donna and Doug break up instead, you can make small positive feminist comments about the writing choices which are pretty explanatory to the show not prioritising female characters and stuff… I  mean I don’t even think Davy Perez is bad at female character or did that maliciously and there may even have been a cut scene, but the end result over all product was that we never saw that scene between two female characters? It’s little things and it’s everywhere in the world that this is just how priorities seem to go.

I guess maybe also it’s not just SPN but try and in general make this sort of commentary about the media or how female celebrities are treated around your mum, and don’t get militant about it ever, just sort of make it a regular conversational observance when it makes sense to comment? Even just like “Oh man they really photoshopped her eyebrows, whyyyyyyyy” can add to people’s overall awareness of social issues. :D

Also… when it’s a Buckleming episode I just outright apologise to my mum for making her watch it before we start :P

[imhereforbvcky]

Make Me Believe - Part 1

Freshman Year: Making More Than Friends

Masterlist  -  Series Masterlist  -  Part 2

Summary: You keep meeting Bucky Barnes in unexpected places and he keeps acting like you know each other, like you’re dating. (tropes abound! college AND fake dating au. I’m a mess.)

Prompt(s): First day of college

Warnings: Drinking and silliness

Word Count: 2811

Author’s Note: This for @buckthegrump’s writing challenge because I love to push things to the very last minute. This will be a mini series.

Standing in line at the Starbucks at the center of campus was perhaps not your best laid plan. It was crowded and you were anxious to get moving. It was move-in day. You’d gotten your keys from Admissions and had left your car in a loading zone while you dashed in for what you hoped to be a quick coffee run. Now you could only hope you hadn’t been towed yet.

Finally, finally you were at the front of the line, about to place your order when a hand on your shoulder and a large, tall student slid to your side. He was cute, real cute. But if he thought you were going to give up your space in line for a handsome face, he was dead wrong.

“Hey sweetie, sorry I’m late.” He smiled warmly at you and winked at your confused stare. Your mouth had fallen slightly open, like a fish out of water, unsure what to say, not even sure you could breathe.

He turned to the girl behind the counter with an equally charming smile and began to place his order before adding a casual, “...and whatever my girl here wants.”

His smirk was so fluid, so infuriatingly natural as he nodded his head in your direction. It was all you could do to close your mouth as you glared at this precocious stranger and his antics for skipping the line.

“What do you want, gorgeous? We’re holding up the line.”

You glanced behind you at the impatient customers behind you. He was right. Damn it. What the hell could you do? He’d already ordered, it was either cause a scene and seperate yourself from his order or play along and get this over with.

“Um, sorry,” you smiled at the barista. “Vanilla latte please, with an extra shot.”

Before you could think your handsome intruder had handed over a 20 and stepped to the side, waiting for his drink.

“Thanks,” he murmured as he leaned close to your ear. Too close for strangers. “I’m running late and did not have time for that line.”

“Yeah, you’re a jerk,” you grumbled, folding your arms over your chest. “Everybody had to wait, I had to wait! I have somewhere to be too, you know.”

“You still got your coffee,” he argued, “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“Thanks,” you spat, with all the sarcasm you could muster.

He only laughed, smirking as your drinks were called out. With his drink in hand he backed out of the cafe. “What’s your name by the way?”

“Not interested!” you snapped. But you couldn’t help the small smile pulling across your face.

His laugh was a soft rumble that only made it worse. “See you ‘round, gorgeous.”

“Hey! Let me help you with that!” You turned to see a handsome smiling face, reaching for the small microwave in your arms. Temporarily frozen, you could only gape at him. He was so tall and broad with a tussle of soft blonde hair and shining blue eyes. They definitely didn’t make guys like this in your little hometown. Hell you didn’t know they made them like this outside of photoshop.

“Uhm thanks,” you finally managed, with a matching smile. “But that box of books is a lot heavier and you look more uh… equipped to handle that than I am.”

You offered a shy and slightly embarrassed smile that was met with a hearty laugh as he reached for the box you’d indicated. He stacked it on top of your last suitcase and turned to you with another bright smile. “Alright, where to?”

“Uh D Hall, 3150.”

As you waited for the elevator, he tried for small talk. You were never great at small talk; it always felt so tedious and pointless that it came awkward and stunted. The obligatory follow up questions never come naturally to you like they seemed to others and more often than not you wound up blurting out un-interesting facts about books or asking abrupt questions.

True to form, you set in on your unintentional interrogation. “So what is this? Are giant good-looking samaritans just a thing around here? If that’s the case I’m in trouble. I look like a sea urchin next to people like you.”

He laughed again, softer this time as he looked at his feet. You could tell he was used to this. He had the sort of confidence that comes easy to those who have never had to compensate for anything, but the grace to look slightly embarrassed by compliments, flattered, without ever really acknowledging it. Eventually he looked back up to you with a lopsided smile that seemed to make your stomach flip.

“You’re cute,” he said it like it was just a fact, a statement, no more no less. “No, it’s through the University.” The smile in his voice was nearly as warm as the one he turned on you in that tight space. “I volunteered to help new students move in, give ‘em a run down of the building and in return I got access to campus early and I get extra points on my meal plan until everyone’s moved in.”

“But moving sucks. That’s like being the buddy with the pick-up truck to 2,000 students. That sounds miserable.”

He laughed again, it seemed like the only reaction in his arsenal, but somehow it was still warm and sincere. “I’m never one to turn down free food.”

“Yeah, you look like it. What’re you, like, 8% body fat?” you rolled your eyes, the sarcasm thick before you both snorted in laughter.

“Soon! You’ll learn how valuable free food is to we poor college kids. Where are you from anyway?” he asked as you held your dorm room door open for him with your foot.

“Small town, you haven’t heard of it.”

“A small town huh? This your first time living away from home?” he asked as he set your things down.

“Mhmm. First time out of the state, if you can believe it.”

“I can,” he nodded with a poorly concealed smirk.

“Hey!” you shoved his shoulder playfully. “It’s not that obvious.”

“Little bit,” he nodded with a shrug. “You’re like an adorable little hillbilly lost in the big city campus.”

“What?! I’m not lost--”

“But we can fix that. What are you doing tonight?”

You stared at him for a moment, debating whether you should protest this unsolicited nickname or see where this line of questions lead. Finally you looked purposefully around the room full of boxes to be unpacked and shrugged. “You’re lookin’ at it.”

“No. It’s your first night as a free and independent adult, your first night at college, this needs to be memorable.” He reached for a pen from your roommate’s desk and scribbled an address onto the side of one of the cardboard boxes. It was somewhere on the south side of campus. “Come to this address later tonight. Ask for Cap or Bucky.”

“Bucky as in Buckwheat, the only girl allowed in the He-Man-Woman-Haters Club?” you asked with a judgemental snort.

“As in James Buchanan Barnes doesn’t like to be called Jimmy.”

“Got it, Bucky or Cap.”

“See you there.”

You giggled as he turned out of the room with an easy smile. Flutters had begun to kick off in your stomach as you flopped backwards onto your vinyl University-supplied mattress. You were far too caught up in replaying every second of the past 20 minutes to consider that you really should clean that mattress first.

The deeper you wound into the maze of streets south of campus, the thicker the parties grew. Every 5th house had brightly colored lights flashing through living room windows with thumping dance music to greet passersby in waves from within. You smiled as you walked to your destination, enjoying the last of the warm air in early fall and relishing in the newness and freedom of the world in which you now found yourself.

Your small town was far behind with its sleepy farmhouses and crumbling bungalows. Its nosy neighbors would gasp in a mix of horror and delight at the fodder for Sunday morning gossip to be found here. All the while the smile brimming to your lips was uncontainable as the freedom of anonymity took hold. No one knew you here, and no one cared. You could slip into any one of these parties and in minutes have a drink in hand and a new crowd.

The world lay at your feet and you needed only choose who to become.

When you finally approached your destination your excitement waned. It was an enormous stone house, absolutely crawling with people. You paused at the end of the lawn, taking in the scene. It was fresh out of a bad teen movie. Red solo cups seemed like permanent appendages, bawdy shouts clamored from a game of beer pong on the long open porch, clumsily wrapped white bed sheets barely managed to cling onto half of the attendees. Worst of all, there, in illuminated blocks over the door stood the unmistakable shape of the greek letters.

A frat. You’d been lured to a frat party on your very first day here.

With a determined sigh through gritted teeth you began the walk down the stone pathway toward the front door. As you approached the party a brick wall of a man stumbled backwards through the door nearly bowling you over.

In a moment he’d swung his arms around your back to steady you both, his long blonde hair falling in tangles and tickling your cheek as he leaned over you.

“‘M terribly sorry, m’lady!” he slurred followed by an excited smile that was so broad his eyes wrinkled to thin blue winks. You thought he might burst into laughter as he pulled back, setting you both to rights.

“May I offer you a cold beverage as recompense for nearly uh… running you over?”

You stared at him for a moment, wide-eyed and unsure before glancing behind him to his friend who shrugged and rolled her eyes. “This is Thor. He does accents when he’s drunk. I don’t know.” You laughed in relief. The pressure of pretending this was normal seemed too much and for someone else to acknowledge the insanity was a welcome sight. “I’m Valkyrie.” She offered you her hand and you took it. Before you could offer your own name Thor was bellowing again.

“That one was my father!” Thor volunteered with a deep hearty laugh. “It’s a good imitation. But you wouldn’t know, since you’ve never met him. He’s an Earl of Asguard or Ashworth or something...” He scowled in concentration.

Before he’d finished his speech he was trying to shove an icy can of beer into your hand. You held your hands up in what you hoped to be polite refusal.

“No, I’m… I’m not sure I’m in the right place. I’m looking for Bucky? Or Cap?” you recited the names you’d been given, hoping they’d act like some magic passcode into something less horrifying.

“Cap!!!” Thor shouted, throwing his arms into the air.

“Heeey!” came a laughing shout of a reply from a corner of the porch. The raised hand of yet another brick wall of a blonde man waved back. You could see his smile from your current position half way down the stairs, the soft crop of blonde hair.

“He’s right there,” Thor smiled down at you.

“Thanks,” you laughed, the sarcasm thick but unnoticed by the deliriously happy drunk.

You made your way through the throng of clumsy party-goers, shifting to shuffle sideways past narrow openings in the crowd until you reached ‘Cap’ in the corner of the porch, leaning against the old stone railing.

As you approached the table, Steve shouted in triumph as the white ping pong ball sunk into one of the cups on the opposite end of the table with a light thunk. You smiled and continued to shift closer. Right up until he turned to his beer pong partner and grabbed her face, two large hands cupping her cheeks.

“Okay, you can do this! You can end the game right now!”

You heard her giggle and nod. As she turned to the table he released her, his hand sliding down her back and hooking around her waist as she made the shot. The cacophony of cheers and squealing delight were simply infuriating. She leapt into his arms happily and he held her there, feet off the ground, arms around his neck.

You had no idea if they were together, or just a one-night event, but it didn’t matter either way. The sinking dread that you were a complete idiot for accepting this invitation crept over you, through the knot in your stomach and up your throat.

Refusing to waste another thought on it, you dove deeper into the party, seeking out the keg.

When you made it to the kitchen, however, an infuriatingly familiar face turned on yours. The most chilling grin catching your eye as he eased over toward you, all arrogance and mirth. Like the cat who got the cream. Like you were back in your home town again; like you hadn’t escaped at all.

You spun on your heel to make a quick escape from what was clearly the worst decision you’d made all day. But he called out loud and demanding and it had you frozen for a moment.

“Bonnie?! What a small world!”

You took in a deep breath, grinding your teeth against the urge to scream at him. The unbidden nickname struck you with greater force than ever. This was meant to be a fresh start, a new beginning.

“Not that small, Jack, there are forty thousand students here. Why don’t you pick someone else to torture?”

“Oh come on,” he simpered, stepping forward. “You like Bonnie. Found a Clyde yet?”

An irritated sigh rushed past your lips. Jack was the last person you wanted to see. Anyone from home fell pretty low on the list, but he made perpetually came in dead last.

“No. And I’d like to be called by my name, not some stupid nickname the argyle brigade bestowed on me in high school,” you snarled.

“It’s not really behind your back if you know about it,” he grinned. “C’mon I’m kidding!” he groaned as you turned to walk away. His fingers curled around your wrist, pulling you back.

All you could manage was to glare at his hand gripping you. If only a look could be actual daggers.

Before you’d calmed down enough to speak, an arm slid over your shoulder and a familiar voice called your attention.

“Hey gorgeous, I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Coffee shop guy.

You managed a tight smile as you turned to him. He was grinning down at you, just as comfortably as he had this morning. You wondered vaguely how often he’d pulled this move.

“Hi sweetie,” you grinned, narrowing your eyes only slightly.

“We can’t find the stereo remote, I thought you had it earlier…”

“Yeah! Yeah, let me help you find it,” you beamed up at him before turning to leave. He grinned back at you, his hand snaking into yours as you stepped out from under his arm.

With a glance over his shoulder he gave a short nod to Jack; the sort of nod that men offer to say ‘I see you, but we don’t need to talk.’ A smirk drew across his face as he turned back to you, as you wandered off to another corner of the party.

A laugh burst from your lips as you spun on your heel, leaning toward coffee shop guy.

“That was entirely too satisfying. Thank you.”

“Any time,” he grinned.

“Evidently!” you bawked. “So is this your thing? The fake boyfriend bit?”

“It’s 2 for 2 today.” He shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “So can I get your name now?”

With a rueful smile you offered your name and he nodded.

“Bucky,” he returned, gesturing toward himself with his drink. His gaze roved over you quickly. “This isn’t your thing, is it?”

It wasn’t a question.

“That obvious?” you laughed. “No, I uh… Some guy helped me move into my dorm and invited me. But I realized when I got here that he probably helped a lot of idiots like me move. Can I have some of that?” you asked, pointing to his drink.

He smiled and handed it to you. His gaze remained steadily on you as you took a long sip. He chewed on his lip for a moment.

“D’you want to get out of here?”

You sputtered into the cup and handed it back to him. “I’m not sleeping with you.”

A big laugh burst quickly from his lips. “I wasn’t offering.”

You rolled your eyes and frowned. Somehow it was both a relief and a disappointment.

“C’mon.”

Next Chapter >>

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[xselfxtorturedx]

The castle part II

After the prolonging hours dread with unexpecting uncertainty, all I could do was anticipate the text message i have been waiting for. Finally being releaved after a ten our shift, i enter my busted car and look on the phone.

NEW MESSAGE at 11:35 pm.

"Hey, so I was thinking we havee been texting since you came to the castle. Maybe we could meet and go for a drink? If you're not busy of course but, I'd love to get to know you when we're both not working. Let me know yeah?"

I respond but wait before I hit send. Do. I really want to do this? Is this just for fun or for sedating serious emotions that are rising due to the need for touch? I reply to her response with great urgency.

"Hey! Sorry I just off work, we can meet anytime but i live about thirty minutes away from you area? Do I come to you or you come to me?" I send it with so much eagerness for a fast reply, maybe I'm just losing it.

NEW MESSAGE.

"Hey! Nice you just got me while I'm free. I just left friends house. I can meet you just tell me what bar you want to go to and ill meet you there while you go and change. Im sorry your day had been long. Cant wait to meet!

.....the night is gracious and young....

I am finally done showering and ready to go. I ignore the nosey roommate who asks questions like a parental figure, and venture off to meet the red haired vixen. I pull I no the smallest parking lot of the most busiest bar. The blinding white light reads off the black and red colors of the half assed design of calligraphy reading : 'Midway bar and grill.' I enter and try not to look so eager and desperate. I find her underneath the blue moon neon sign that hangs above her head, shimmering the mixtures of colors to create an almost perfect purple halo glow. To my surprise she is no longer blonde but dyed her hair a mahoginy red. Either way she still looked beautiful to me. She smiles and waves me down like a long time friend who is happy to reunite once again. We shy at each other, creating small talk to fulfill the time spared of truth or drink mugs and shots. Serious questions pop into the small talk that open us up like a lotus flower. I am trying not to be so fixated on her eyes but her beauty thst holds her resilient grace is beyond captivating. "So have you used your purchases yet?" Not fully understanding what she just asked it finally clicked on what she meant. "Oh... a couple times yes. Haha, why do you ask?" Her polite smile emerges into a devilish smile, full of lustful secrets that beacons me to unravel for her. " well I was thinking about it. I know I'm going to probably regret this and it's fine if you shoot it down. But I am into you and you seem like you need and want some fun in your life. And I think you're beautiful and my day is filled with innocent and sinful thoughts of you. To be honest I wanted to meet tonight bc I wanted to take you home with me and...I'm sorry..is this weird?" In sloth shock but also relieved I politely smile at her searching look. I ask her to come smoke a cigarette with me. Slightly wounded thst I didn't answer her, she gathered herself and followed me to the cool aired darkness. Stand In under the only light of the patio, we sit on a blue fenced table that looks like they were stoked from an 'In and Out.' As she sat down looking through her small black purse I stand up unnoticed. She finally realizes I am in front of her and i plant a sensual reason French kiss on her plump lips. Excited and shocked she returns one back. The more i tasted her the more i wanted her. The more she gasped for air inhaling the building sensuality, the more i wanted to touch her naked. We stopped as soon as we heard laughter come out of the exit door. "Want to get out of here?" I asked. Her happiness filled my heart with another satisfactory thhing that I have been yearning for. "Sure." We get in her car and drive to her house.

Within minutes of reaching her door we begin to tongue fuck each other's lips. Dancing with fiery lust coursing through our veins. She opens the door to her apartment and strips off her clothes. Her body could have been a walking photoshop. Flawless skin painted with tattoos. Her perked tits with hardened nipples reveal the one cute nipple. Her hipd show the 'V' along with more tattoos to enhance her beauty. Stripping off my clothes I realize that I am a self conscious person, even in the light while baring nude vulnerability, she still comes foward for more of my lips. She releases the straps to my bra and sucks on my nipples. Her moans echo in the lingering time. We run to her bedroom an she strips down her candy red thong and blue jeans. She lays on the bed and waits for me to do the same. I look at her beauty, the art work and the landing strip that shows she loves her pussy. Gazing at it, I too, am now infatuated with it. I lean down over the top of her kissing her in all the spots I'd assume were her favorite spots. I suckle at her nipples playing with it, enjoying each sensitive moan that boosts my urge to pleasure her. I nibble and lick her hips seeing how she arches while I do It over and over. Spreading her legs, placing them over my shoulders, I greet her perfect pink pussy with my tongue of kindness. Each twirl and flick she moans, each tilt of her head that signifies plessure ridden, I bury my face slowly caressing the clit within my lips and tongue; she arches. Her nipples perk with so much stimulation, I get wet watching her. Her gentle hands find their way into my hair as I change the pace. Slow and steady I ease my middle finger inside her warm drenched pussy. Feeling her g spot as I go back to pleasing her clit. The moans and gasping grow louder. She begs me to not stop. I wouldn't fucking dare. "Oh god yes! Please dont- oh FUCK! FUCK YES! YES! OH RIGHT THERE YES! OOOOH!"

I smile as she lifts her hips. I remove my finger and bury my face deep to tongue fuck her pussy. Unknowing to her she screams out "Oh GOD IM GOING TO CUM. YES! PLEASE DONT ....DONT...OH FUCK... OOOOH YYYYYEEEEEESS!" I remove my face and rub her clit as fast as I can. Her sudden release of sweet satisfaction sprays my face. Drenched in her cum. I lay her down to recuperate from the climax. She opens her eyes after her breathing steadied itself. She sees my wet glazed face and smiles. "Oh shit I'm sorry!" I laugh hysterically. "Never be sorry I love a squirter." She smiles and goes to her closet. She pulls out a small box. Inside she reached in to pull out a strap on and pours all of her toys in the floor. " we can use all of these right?" I stand up and lift her off the ground to lay her back down. As she adjust the straps to her big cocked dildo, I grab her double headed purple dildo and smile at her. "Honey, I am an adult and have a three day weekend. I'll fuck you for however long you'd like me to." "Is this all for fun or what's going to happen?" Before I do anything physical I ask her what she'd like. "Well, If I'm being honest I'd like to have fun with you. If it flies it goes right?" I shake my head in agreement, and kiss her gently. As I kiss her I play with her drenched pussy and finger her while I hold her kiss hostage. For that night, it was all about her and i finding the comfort of a new lustful friend, just two girls who wanted to have fun....

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

I, Tonya

And now we’re finally getting into the good stuff. I’ve been excited about this movie pretty much since the first Tumblr post I saw of Sebastian Stan with The Mustache, so I’ve had quite awhile to build up expectations. I also am of the right age to remember the spectacle of The Nancy Kerrigan Incident (TNKI) if not the specifics, so this film is tapping into a lot of deep seated 90s nostalgia for me. Basically, the stakes were high for this one, y’all. Did it live up to the hype? Well...

In the words of Tonya Harding herself, fuck yeah it did. I mean what’s not to like? Margot Robbie is a powerhouse in this, every inch the white trash princess striving for glory and living in the gutter. Sebastian Stan gives a performance that is more than just The Mustache, and it was refreshing to see him stretch beyond his last 7 years in the MCU. Jeff Gillooly is neither a brainwashed cyborg killing machine nor a wounded puppy making eyes at Steve Rogers, so this is some range for Seb! However, as Fiancee pointed out, it’s almost too much of a stretch - seeing Sebastian Stan call his wife a dumb fucking cunt just doesn’t feel authentic. Boy’s got too much soul in his eyes - the sweet puppy dog thing never gets completely shed, even in Gillooly’s darkest moments, and maybe that was a character choice...but I don’t quite think so.

Also we have to talk about Allison Janney. God. I. Love. Allison. Janney. She COMPLETELY disappears into this role, and it’s not just the wig and the bird. What a tremendously fun, complex, horrifying woman to play, and Allison is having so much fun doing it. 

The thing I loved most about this movie is that none of these larger-than-life characters come off as caricatures or cartoons. Everyone gets their tiny moment of humanity, their softening of edges. Everyone gets to be a real person. And nobody gets to be a real person more than Tonya. 

Some thoughts:

We were sitting second row, so this probably won’t be everyone’s experience but it was super weird seeing Margot Robbie’s face photoshopped onto the stunt skater’s body in the skating scenes.

McKenna Grace is so good as young Tonya - I hope she and Sebastian Stan got to hang out on set and dish about how dreamy Chris Evans is.

Most critics are saying this is a film about class in America, but it’s also specifically about femininity and the roles women are allowed to play in specific contexts. The women in this film are just so incredibly adept at embodying these characters and taking up more space than the world wants to allow them. 

In spite of the weird photoshop thing, I love the way the skating scenes were filmed. Everything about this movie feels like you’re part of the action to an almost voyeuristic degree, and it is so effective. When Tonya addresses the audience directly, and calls them out for their part in devouring TNKI, saying it’s tantamount to abuse, it made me suck in a breath like I got punched. Everything down to the last shot of the movie feels visceral in a way that I just couldn’t get enough of.

Most biopics are laudatory efforts, showcasing their subjects overcoming adversity, triumphing in the face of persecution - sure, they might throw in some colorful faults (turns out, Ray Charles and Johnny Cash did drugs) but for the most part, the person we’re celebrating is, well, celebrated. I don’t know if ANYthing is celebrated in I, Tonya, least of all Tonya herself. My favorite line in the film comes early - one of Tonya’s former coaches says something to the effect of, “You either love Tonya or you’re not a big fan. Kind of like how people either love America or they’re not a big fan. And Tonya was VERY American.” I don’t think the film is celebrating America, but it does reveal Tonya’s story as something deeply American. It’s an ugly mix of class warfare, misogyny, cycles of poverty and abuse, ravenous celebrity-obsessed culture, and a preoccupation with violence, all wrapped up in a dream called If You Work Hard Enough You Can Make It. And Tonya’s still hard at work.

[luiletulip]

Jem, pt 2.

And yet, another open letter to my darling little sister.

Hello again to the biggest heart, the kindest soul, and the brightest mind I have ever come to know! All these marvelous things that is YOU packed into your one beautiful physical being, decorated by your lovely curls, adorable dimples, and the most iconic, the most charming tooth-gap that makes you YOU.

I’ve been meaning to write another open letter to you, but it appears I don’t have much time to write it in one go. So this will be in my drafts for a couple of weeks, or months, even.

But please know how I see you is constant, will be the same, and growing better each day I get the honor to know your soul a little more.

You’ve been a little insecure lately, about your waist, your hips, your hair, your fashion, even your personality. 

It baffles me every day that you would ever feel or think of yourself so little, so very low, so much less than you actually are.

But although I could never understand why YOU would feel this way, in a way I have my own portion of insecurity and doubt, and I know one thing: it sucks. 

I cannot see why you would struggle with it, given that you are one of the prettiest, smartest, greatest people on earth, therefore I want to understand. I want to see what you see, how you see yourself.

You don’t really talk to me, to be honest. You tell me things about your day, your friends, your teachers, and your hobbies. But rarely you talk openly about your feelings, your thoughts, and your struggles on a deeper level.

That’s understandable; feeling fragile and vulnerable is scary. It feels invasive, uncomfortable, and sometimes even gross. In your words, it’s not a vibe.

I’m not making or demanding you to open up about your deepest wounds or your darkest thoughts, I’m simply telling you that if you do, please know I will try my best to make sure between us is a safe space.

In short: you can talk to me about anything.

And I know this sounds like bullshit, it just sounds sweet and pretty on paper, but could you ever really trust me that much? That’s okay, I have my own doubts, too. 

But I really think it’s worth the try.

I have been opening up to you for the last few years, especially this year. It was by my own choice to trust you with these scary thoughts and hurtful feelings, and I’m glad I did. You have been so kind and wise and patient dealing with my problematic self, and I am beyond blessed to have you here.

I’m not holding this against you forever, I understand that forever may be fleeting and that one day we may not be so open to each other as we are now. So please don’t carry that burden of being my therapist or counselor.

You are my sister, and you have been an amazing one at that.

I hope to become a great sister just like you.

In fact, I hope to become a little more like you in every other aspect of life as well. I hope to become a better dresser, a better artist, a better friend . . . oh, Jem, the list of how great you are goes on and on and on and on . . .

Back to my earlier point and the whole reason why I started writing this letter (forgive me it’s messy), here are the facts: you see yourself so much less than you actually are.

Let me list them for you, a debunking of Jem’s perception of herself:

“Imagine being that pretty, I can’t relate.” The thing is, you are pretty. Physically, you’re one of the pretty girls, you’re starting to even have a kpop girl body (edit: you do for sure now!). The kind of beauty you were referring to keeps on changing when you say this about someone, and it just goes to show that beauty comes in many forms and faces! So maybe you can’t relate having similar facial features as the girls you see on IG or tiktok, but does that make you les or not pretty? No. You are pretty, Jemima. That is the fact. When you feel less or not pretty, that’s an emotion, that’s a feeling, not a fact.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so stupid, ahhh stupid!“ It breaks my heart to hear you say this, and I’ve heard you say this more than once. In what world are you stupid? You’re given great intelligence, and there is more proof in your life to show for it. I hope you replace this with something kinder to yourself, like “oh that wasn’t a really smart choice to make, Jem,” instead of calling yourself stupid. Next time I hear you say “I’m so stup-” it better end with “endous!”

“My skin is so ugly . . .“ This has always been an insecurity point to you, hasn’t it, little one? It’s okay, there’s no such thing as extremely flawless skin. Sometimes we forget that having blemishes or scars on our skin is actually more normal than having perfect skin. You do your best to take care of your skin, and that is awesome, that’s what you could focus on. Taking care of your skin because you love it, instead of hoping for it to be photoshopped perfect. I wish it were easy, but I know you can grow.

“I wish I had a more interesting personality.“ Here is the biggest lie you tell yourself everyday. You do. You see these IG and tiktok girls having qUiRKy personalities, but what do you really know about them? You see their personas, not their real selves. You don’t see yourself when you’re joking around with your friends, when you’re laughing with your family, when you’re playing with Nala (edit: and Gyu!), when you’re creating Brain Gems, when you’re talking about deep stuff with Ugi and me. You don’t see how marvelous your mind is, Skip. You don’t see how bright you shine. I wish you could.

“I mean I dunno, I’m boring.” You’re not. That’s all I have to say. You are interesting, you are funny, you are wise, you are smart, you are kind, you are creative, you are productive, you are hardworking, you are clever, you are sweet, you are patient, you are empathic, you are honest, you are amazing. If you keep forgetting, I don’t mind reminding you over and over. If you need reassuring or validation, please come to me, I’m right here with you. It’s not wrong to ask for it, you know?

“I don’t know what to do with my art.” None of us artists do, Skippy. It’s okay. Progress and life itself is our art. It’s our mark. Just do it, just make it, just post it. You have been doing great all along. Brain Gems has touched so many hearts, and you don’t really know it. Thank you for creating art in many forms, I hope you continue on!

“Ahh I’m so bad at ______ !” NO YOU ARE NOT. Whatever it is you’re trying to do, it takes practice. It takes time. It takes effort. You can do it, too, my love. You’re not bad at it yet, and even if you end up really sucking at one thing or two, please remember you have a whole treasure chest of things you are astounding at. Shall I make another list for you regarding this? Alright, wait for Jem pt. 3 then.

“I want a snatched waist . . . !” I’m 100% supporting you on this, you get your snatched (edit: or is it pinched now that you say it) waist! But I beg of you, please don’t obsess over it. Don’t beat yourself up bad for not seeing progress if that happens, too. Sometimes progress isn’t visible just yet, but it will be when you keep going. Just a friendly reminder: don’t obsess over it, please, from personal experience, it could ruin you. You are beautiful as you are, and more beautiful when you love yourself adequately.

I hope some of these notes you remember in your mind and list in your heart for the future, Jem. You are a wonderful girl. I adore you to the moon and back.

Today was supposed to be the day I give this letter to you, according to my plan last night. But instead, today I hurt you, and I am extremely disappointed with myself.

I’m sorry for hurting you, you, the one who is most patient with me. Dealing with issues like mine, dealing with them at such a young age, where you weren’t supposed to even deal with.

Thank you.

I’m sorry I hurt your heart, your heart that heals mine despite trying to heal itself. I hope in some time you can forgive me, and I can do better, try again, and love you with a healthier heart.

I love you very much, Skip, and I’m always here for you ♡

Kwach x

[mintgreenglasses]

Writing prompts 3

178) A "Do you have a concussion?"

B "Not to my knowledge."

A "Then why are your pupils so dilated?"

179) "That sounds like stupid with a side of bad idea to me." (See also #63)

180) A "What are you doing?"

B "There was hair in my mouth."

A "Doesn't taste as nice as it smells, does it?"

B "You think my hair smells nice?"

A "I never said that."

B "You implied it."

A "Shut up."

181) Just two complete non-lovers totally innocently walking through the forest together. Totally.

182) Intrusive thoughts (You could—right now)

183) If a picture's worth a thousand words, a few white lies couldn't hurt. -Rhett and Link "Photoshop song"

184) Escapeology

185) A "I'm trying to be serious here."

B "I thought you were trying to be serious back there."

186) Band-aids over bullet wounds

187) They hung up, a sign that it was time to get to work.

187) *after A being unconscious*

B "Rise and shine sleeping beauty."

188) A "I am flawless!"

B "More like thoughtless." -Ying Yang P4G ost

189) I'm feeling f*cking peachy.

190) ad nauseam (refers to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome)

191) How are we still alive?

192) "Wait, let me get a step ladder first."

193) Hot vs. cold rage

194) A "What's this?"

B "A list of ways to beat me."

A "But there's nothing here…"

B "Exactly!"

195) A "Worthy of licking the bowl."

B "Please don't."

196) Felicitous: very well suited or expressed, apt; a felicitous remark; handled the delicate matter in a most felicitous manner OR pleasant, delightful; felicitous weather; The ride through the countryside is a felicitous journey for city people

197) "I wonder how [so and so] would react to waking up completely covered in glitter."

198) Stairs hurt like hell man -Prplzorua

199) Xe giggled behind one hand, not at all surprised because of course xe would [write a book about it].

200) A "You don't suck."

B "Thanks."

201) A "Geez, how many [pillows] do you need?"

B "ALL OF THEM."

202) Thank every freaking deity. -Prplzorua

203) "Xe.exe has ceased to function."

204) "I'm fine," xe muttered, before gulping the water down anyway and ignoring the plasticy taste. Xe wiped xir mouth with the back of xir hand.

205) Why did xe kiss xir? A slap was much more deserved and would probably have yielded the same results.

206) Staying up for the sunrise

207) Choreographed chaos

208) I hate you, and I hate this hotel, and usually I wouldn't ask this, but my room is freezing and at least you're a toaster oven.

209) The one that thinks the best of others thinks the worst of xirself.

210) A and B are sharing a bed. A kisses B without realizing B is awake, who kisses back. A gets out of bed and goes to the restroom. While B is feeling dejected A comes back into bed. "So… are you going to brush your teeth too? Because I don't enjoy morning breath."

211) Wish AU: Everyone gets one wish when they are born until they use it or die. It can only be used for good or neutral ends, no pain can be caused directly by the wish. (Who uses it to get into college? Who is immune to the effects of the wishes)

212) "I'm just waiting for it all to make sense again."

213) "If I start running, follow me."

214) C "I vote that we rename B spontaneity."

A "Maybe you should just shorten it to Spon. Y'know, Spawn of Satan?"

B :P

A :P

215) Death looked at xir and said, "We need to talk."

216) There's no need to fix something that isn't broken.

217) You know, you'd enjoy this more if you weren't on such high alert.

218) Take it in steps.

219) Holy sh*t, are you okay?

220) "You trust me, right?"

"Yeah. I just don't like it." -Ghost in the Shell

221) Disgust and fear are two very different emotions

222) A "I get the impression that you dislike me."

B "I haven't decided yet."

223) "You better have some damn good pants on if you're going w/o a shirt."

224) The game is more than its players.

225) How do you expect people to trust you if you don't put your trust in them?

226) A "Can you imagine?"

B "My brain doesn't have the capacity to handle that level of stupid."

227) A "Don't hold the knife like that." B "Like what?"

A "Like you're about to stab someone with it."

228) A "I can fit in there."

B "Seriously?"

A "You got a better idea?"

229) I love the shape of your mouth when you smile.

230) Xe was approaching the age where xe began to understand that what people say and what they do can be two completely different things.

231) Gotta fix that tie

232) It was strange how xir near-constant smile could express so many more emotions than happiness

233) Xe flinched back, expecting a slap in the face. *Hug instead*

234) Xe smiled slowly, first one corner, then the other, revealing a lopsided grin.

235) Soulmate AU where character A dies and the effects of meeting soulmate disappear for B

236) (Mute?) I've never been able to offer more than a hug and silence.

237) Xe giggled, took a moment to breathe, began giggling again, and then dissolved into a coughing fit.

238) Soulmate AU where A has never met B and B dies and A decides to find B's family bc "It's the right thing to do."

239) Don't check under my bed check inside my head.

240) ^CAKE

241) Kitora tomb: A black tortoise guards the north of the ancient tumulus, which has been standing since the seventh or eighth century. A red phoenix stands at the south, a white tiger at the west, and a blue dragon at the east.

242) Nightmare of the soul

243) The Daily Dare (a group of high school students create a website and pick one Dare from the suggestions for students to record and post.)

244) Until the sun goes dead -Mark Fischbach

245) The one with the gun

246) You just had to add another layer to the cake of despicableness.

247) Old, tattered, cleanish rag doll (it was a wonder he was even on the shelves) seen in the toy shelter and little girl wants him

248) If you could grant me a fraction of your time, I can give you peace of mind. -Eliza

[fantasychica37]

Things I Did in Undertale

When I was playing, after I had accumulated a large number of fails, I decided to keep track of all the interesting things I did in Undertale to share with the world once I had finished.... only the list wound up being very different than I expected.

-Believed Flowey because I was a naive little cinnamon roll (OK, I watched the first 5 minutes of a playthrough when I was deciding whether or not to buy it, but still!)

-Got stuck with the menu controls and accidentally selected FIGHT and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t move between items (although it seems to me like everyone has trouble with the menu & controls, next time have the controls available to look at, Toby Fox)

-Got killed by TORIEL

-Supposedly this is a nearly impossible feat and that’s quite impressive I managed that... nope, Asher, I just accidentally ran into the bullets like an idiot

-My friend was giving me vague hints so I tried to fight her and almost kill her and she had a full half of her HP left and I swear I wasn’t.... all right FINE I accidentally killed Toriel are you happy???? 

-And I had no idea what was going on and then she was still so nice WAAAAAAAH WHY MOM NOOOOOO

-Stood there for a second frozen in horror before closing the game window

-Had to do the whole long home sequence YET AGAIN

-Ate the cinnamon-butterscotch pie fighting Toriel

-Finally get past Toriel but then FUCKING FLOWEY MAKES FUN OF ME FOR SUCKING AT VIDEO GAMES SHUT UP I HATE THIS GAME

-What the... These monsters are so weird, and act like kids, and WAIT A MINUTE everyone is attacking me for no reason even though I haven’t killed anybody (permanently) I HATE THIS GAME

-Went on a date as a child??? I feel dirty participating in such a questionable situation...

-JIS STIY DITIRMIND shut up you condescending game that kills me and then offers me false encouragement

-Joined the online fandom early and got stuff spoiled

-Got stuck on Undyne and her stupid yellow arrows, gave up until I got my friend to get me past her when I went back to college for Homecoming two months later

-My grandmother was watching me play and got really interested in it!

-Many people in my Greek house full of nerds: “OMG you got Toriel to kill you? That’s very hard and very impre-” “SHUT UP I SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES”

-I HATE THIS GAME

-Therefore I missed the anniversary

-Apparently I should have been picking up more items to use as armor and HP, oh that random junk was armor???

-Got past Undyne thanks to my friend and THE GAME CAN’T KNOW I CHEATED BY GETTING MY FRIEND TO PLAY FOR ME HA TAKE THAT YOU STUPID GAME

-Instead of getting to progress with the story, went back to do some arcane trick that got me Dog Residue (WTF even is that?????) and then did grinding for 1000G to send Temmie of all people to college??? and THEN RIGHT WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL OVER had to do grinding for 750 more G to get armor that would help me (I now realize my friend may have suggested that because I suck so much) and then she wants to go to grad school??? How is she this smart????? wtf is even going on??

-My friend looked it up and said that it started at 9999G and if I had a price of 750G I’d died 25 times at least (i suck at video games i hate this game well i like it but i also hate it)

-Not sure who Alphys had a crush on but I remembered fandom stuff and I guessed right! Thanks fandom!!!

-Got mad at my friends a lot when I lost (although Jerrell deserved it for telling me that when the game crashed the game was over; I’d been too spoiled for that)

-Failed twice more to have enough stuff for boss fights despite trying to

-spent from Friday night through Saturday playing almost nonstop and trying to chat with my friends while doing so because I’ve waited so long to progress!!

-YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE FREAKY HORROR MOVIE SPIDER THING IF I’D ONLY BOUGHT THE STUPID 5G SPIDER CIDER??!!??

-...but I got through. I held on, and I persisted, and I got through.

-And that Temmie Armor is making things a lot easier.

-Still died left and right even with Temmie Armor...

-Including to something called freaking Tsunderplane.

-Wrote “fuck” a lot, Toby Fox, tried to write the Oath of Feanor for Mettaton’s essay

-I knew about Toriel and I think I knew about Asriel and Chara (can’t remember now, even though it’s only been 6 days since I finished the game it feels like a lifetime) but oh that New Home sequence!

-After all that suffering and the two months waiting for someone to peacefully get me past Undyne... it was a crown of honor to be judged by Sans. All of this- it has finally started to pay off. Bless you, Sans. (I am morally superior, look at me. *struts*)

-Felt for all the world when I was collecting as much stuff as possible to face Asgore like I was Harry Potter walking to my self-sacrifice in the Forbidden Forest.

-Called out for Asher, or Jerrell, or any of my friends, to sit with me in my emotion like no one ever sat with me in a time like this, called out like a lost child, confused and a little quietly... but nobody came.

-threw away things that I later realized were armor out of stupidity, threw away the worn dagger because somehow I forgot I had to fight Asgore... got empty gun instead eventually (but according to my save file I beat Asgore and Flowey by punching them with a glove. Sigh.)

-Asher, who showed up eventually, told me that I had to fight... but in contrast to Undyne with her yellow arrows and annoying music that I had to mute for my sanity, whom I would have loved to kick the butt of out of annoyance and frustration, I didn’t want to fight Asgore. Not in the slightest.

-Slammed that Mercy button and stroked Asgore’s face with a finger

-KILLED MY DAD IT’S ALL MY FAAAAAAULT

-OMG OMG MY GAME CRASHED THIS IS SO COOL

-UGH EW WHAT IS THAT

-But... to my surprise, I am not grossed out by Photoshop Flowey.

-Ran away right before my Greek house’s corporation meeting to fight an evil flower, huddled in the next room not talking to anybody

-Does Flowey not want me to keep playing and want me to go outside and do something better?

-No apparently I have to fight, oh right, it’s me being a naive cinnamon roll like at the very beginning of all this

-Went back in room, continued game during meeting with sound off

-Had to break when I got nominated for a position (didn’t get it)

-And cocooned safely in my armor, I played without fear- and when I did die, it wasn’t so horrible- kept going at it, and eventually received gifts from the souls.

-Had to break to get dinner, thankfully Flowey was still waiting for my response even though my laptop had gone to sleep for lack of power

-Slammed that Mercy button and stroked Flowey’s face with a finger (yes, always, I wish I could always do this, I wish everyone could be saved, in the real world too, o please)

-I’m back at the beginning, I think... maybe, if New Home is symmetrical to home... and I step through the door and... WAIT, THAT’S IT? WHERE AM I? HOW COULD I LEAVE? AND WHAT IS IT WITH THESE GAMES AND NOT LETTING US HAVE COMMUNICATION AND REUNIONS AND COHERENCE EVEN WHEN IT’S LOGICAL TO DO SO??

-But Asher said to trust the game, and- now, after I’m cradled in the fruit of my own kindness, after kindness has paid off as surely as Ned Stark defeated Littlefinger, and imbued with a calm confidence... I will.

-Was going to wait to play the second ending but wound up finishing the game later that night, with a member of the class of ‘82 or ‘83 who had never heard of Undertale before watching over my shoulder

-What Alphys was saying about souls... DO ALL THE PROBLEMS (Flowey) COME FROM SEXISM AND EXPECTATIONS OF WOMEN THAT CAUSE THEM TO HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM?

-Wait, why are they calling me Jess? I thought Jess was me as the player... later I found out that Jess was the first human, the one who is behind the Genocide route, and, in essence, the soul of the standard videogamer who grinds for EXP. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, TOBY FOX YOU DICKHEAD! THIS IS NOT FAIR, I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS STEREOTYPING!

-Begged the ‘83 to hold my hand as I went to the end, and I awkwardly held it and he didn’t stop me

-IT’S TORIEL OH MY GOD IT’S TORIEL AGAIN JUST LIKE THE BEGINNING... AND LOOK! Everyone is here supporting me because of my unwavering Mercy and kindness! ( All of this- all the stupid dates and everything else I didn’t want to do because I wanted to get on with the story all paid off?) I love people talking like this, I am tear streaked and radiant, triumphant...

-Wait GOD DAMMIT ASGORE TAKE CHARA’S SOUL AND HANG OUT AROUND AN ICU OR SOMETHING TORIEL WAS RIGHT

-...aaaand what was I expecting from Undertale but Flowey ruining everything? It’s just like Game of Thrones or any story, really; you never get to keep your happy ending.

-Begged the ‘83 to hold my hand and he did

-But... cradled safe inside ages’ worth of grinding just to be kind, inside the fruit of my own kindness, with the assurance that I can get hit and not hurt so much or have nothing happen even, which makes it so that I don’t have anything to fear, and knowing that I only need to hold out and keep trying until the game delivers me its happy ending, knowing that I can, after all, trust the game- it makes me feel that even if I do die starting over wouldn’t be so bad, and that I am free to explore, free from my fear and dread for the first time in my life. I suppose that I am... filled with determination.

-Of course, I win, and I am crying, and so is Eric my ‘83 friend, and my kindness causes the villain to save the day, and oh! I get to hug Asriel, and yes oh yes I will take care of Mom and Dad for them, and everyone is talking and everything is beautiful, and I didn’t go all the way back to Asriel because I didn’t think I could but I walked through the land, yet AGAIN, talking to everyone, and then I went back, and I heard that Flowey would tell you to let Frisk be if I tried to play again, so yes, I am ready for my adventure to be over- I’m so disappointed that I’m not the one going to live with Toriel (we have a guestroom that they all could fit in while they get on their feet...), but I’ve had my fun and it’s time to let them go and be happy. I am sobbing and laughing for joy, and I beg Eric’s hand, and he gives it to me... and I step through the door.

-I’m sure many of you have seen how I have depression and lots of empathy so I feel bad things so strongly, how I was ruined over Theon Greyjoy, how I wish I could always be nice to everyone, and things would be okay for everyone- and o! This, this is my ultimate triumph, and it isn’t real none of it but this might be the greatest triumph I ever have, the greatest crown of honor I ever wear...

-except... fewer of you know that I am a Christian, albeit I put absolutely everything else before God, and playing this game has made me understand the idea of endurance, and perseverance, and acting as God wants you to, and faith in His providence, and I wonder if when I get to heaven it will feel like this.

-I LOVE THIS GAME.

-It is Sunday, October 8, 2017, at 12:57 (12:59?) am and I am tear-streaked and radiant. For once, I’ve gotten a perfectly happy ending, and yes, I do live with this glorious sunrise every single day, so: I say yes yes yes I will stay with you, and walk off holding Toriel’s hand just as I used to, and watch the credits for a long time, laughing with everyone’s happy ending, and at the end of it all (such sweet details are my favorite thing in the whole world), I get a second slice of butterscotch-cinnamon pie, the Annoying Dog shows up, I close the game embrace Eric who just met me but now knows me better than most, he leaves... and then I, just as the game wanted me to do all along with “you live with this?” and, in unexplored routes, “you murderer playing the game again and again”, open the door and poke my head outside, relishing the night sky and the crisp-cool air, and I praise God for everything that the real world is. I live here, and I can trust in that no matter what I have to do, if I just keep trying I can do it, and I’ll always, eventually, be taken care of, and I am absolutely, wholly filled with determination.

(I open the game again. Flowey speaks to me. I close the game. All is well.)

[violetbeachpod]

TRANSCRIPT: 1x01 - Twelve Oh One

Hey, folks! Bee here. Y’all reached out to me about transcripts awhile back, and, hey, since the season’s over, I’m gonna start posting them! As a person with attention issues, I super get the need for transcripts, and I’m sorry for not delivering on them sooner.

I’m also reediting episodes right now, so. Those corrections will be posted about as they happen. Anyway. Here we go. Episode one, which you can listen to here, if you so please.

TERESA: 

Okay, so--it’s recording. Cool .

Um. It’s Wednesday. It’s been nine days since--eight days, maybe? --well, if you’re listening, at this point, you know what it was--Benji says we’re gonna publish this, but, like, no. That’s--that’s ridiculous. This is for science.

Or our memoirs. Whatever.

We’ve--the seven of us have decided to keep a log. Of what’s been going on.

Um. So. Cool. Name and deets, just in case some more weird memory shit goes down--My name’s Teresa. I’m eighteen. I’m an Aries, I like bowling and shitty pop music, and only mostly ironically. That enough fluff? I’m a freshman at, ah, Lands College, here in town, and. Studying journalism, with a minor in women’s studies, uh--anything else--I feel like this would be a better story if I start showing, rather than telling.

Or, like. Telling stories rather than just reading out my dating profile. Because that’s lame.

My dating profile’s actually--it’s a lot more detailed than that. I’m on, like, seven different sites, and every profile is. Very Different.

(text notification sound)

[lean away from mic]

Anj, stop--stop listening in! You--you--dude, take a nap.

[and we’re back]

So. Anyway. Here’s what we know.

[long beat]

That was good, right? A good joke? That’s something. Um. Cuz we don’t know very much at all. There’s something there, I swear, like, I rehearsed that bit in the bathroom mirror this morning, and I was thinking, no, I won’t pull that, but--

But. Back to the point.

Y’know how, in movies, people are always like, “Nobody knows except for us?”

That’s so exclusive. So presumptuous. We don’t know if people are lying. We haven’t spoken to every person on the planet--we haven’t even spoken to anyone outside of Maryland. Outside of town. Like. We’ve watched news, but God knows, some of those conspiracies about hypnosis through CNN are real, or whatever. Y’know? Like--those conspiracies are almost exclusively believed in by, like, flat-earthing racists, so, like, they’re probably, definitely super wrong, but--I was making a joke and I’m overthinking it now. Cool.

Anyway. We don’t know who knows. Maybe someone in, like, Caracas, knows? Maybe someone in--you get my point--knows.

Or maybe we’re being Truman Showed. Wouldn’t be the worst theory to have come out of this.

I would--well, I’d hate it, but one time, back in middle school, the public library did these--these movie nights for teenagers, right? And, so, uh, a bunch of us were there, and I was sitting with Angie, cuz she was--she was the only person I knew there, of course, and she was sitting with these kids, like--uh, from the hippie school she had taken in, and--one of them was AJ, I know, and one was Charlotte. but the others, I don’t see anymore.

But anyway, she was, like, starry-eyed at the idea of her life being a TV show without her knowing. At the idea of unintentional stardoms. So maybe she’ll get a kick out of that theory.

Here’s something: I was working on my campaign notes earlier, cuz the group’s meeting tomorrow, should meet tomorrow  and I didn’t really--I didn’t like a few of the potentials, so, whatever. Irrelevant.

I checked the time, and--well. It was twelve oh one. And two minutes later, it was still twelve oh one. And now, it’s still twelve oh one.

I thought maybe my laptop was being bad again? But it said the same on my phone, and on the wall clock.

The app says time is passing. It’s been longer than fifty-nine seconds.

It’s still twelve oh one, though, is the thing. Which isn’t great, all things considered.

But, we’ll catch up on that later.

Here’s the big thing. I went back to the beach last night to see if I could recreate what happened alone, and, uh--at least. I think I did. I don’t remember going, but, uh, Angie says I did, and AJ said that when he was closing at work, he saw me walking towards it. But I didn’t--I didn’t go.

There are sixty-nine--which, yeah, nice, that’s the sex number, whatever--sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, and, like--I can make out letters on some of them them? Individual letters? But not words. And I know that they’re making words, and I know that it’s my handwriting, but my brain just--it goes somewhere else.

And other ones, that I can read, they have dumb stuff. One of them’s just a doodle of David Hyde Pierce with a caption that just says “HELL YEAH. LOOK AT THE MOON WEDNESDAY.”

It’s, like--in fairness to me, or the person I assume to be me, it’s a fairly good David Hyde Pierce. And there’s--there’s a new moon tonight, so--well.

Whatever.

It’s still twelve oh--oop. Nevermind. Twelve oh two now. Nice.

Benji wants me to take off work until this whole thing’s sorted out. Says he’ll still pay me, but, like--being yelled at by awful dudes about trivia that nobody knows is kind of the only constant in my life right now? So I said no. Obviously. Like. It sucks, but it makes me feel normal. Like the beach out by Angie’s place did, before--

Well. Maybe some recollection would be nice, I guess. Just so, like, Danny and company--like, if we end up showing them. Cuz I’m better at sticking to the facts than, say, Robin or Charlotte. So. Yeah.

So. Uh.

Most folks know that she transferred in after a semester at--well, I’m not allowed to say the name of the school in front of her, anymore, and she’s, like, giving me death-eyes out of the bedroom door. But. A certain Ivy League school. This is relevant--

Okay, maybe not, but it’s a nice set up to our establishing shot, which is, of course, her New Year’s party, nine days ago. At her parents’ place. Or, eight days ago, at her parents’ place, I guess. She told us on New Year’s Eve that she was starting at Lands on the fourth, and I offered her a stay in my dorm, cuz I had a single, and, uh, it sucked? But. Whatever.

So I said, “You know, I have a single.” And she said--wait, lemme find my journal--yes, I do write down conversations, Angie.

Alright. She said, “Oh, really, is it on--Bandcamp, Soundcloud, iTunes, MySpace? I didn’t know you--” And I said, “I meant dorm room, dude, you mentioned--MySpace?”

She said, “I still use it.” I laughed, “Of course you do.”

But, anyway. We agreed to live together, but. It was one AM. Robin Cabell dropped by with her new fiancee, said hi, and--well, like, our babysitter’s getting married, to, like, this gorgeous girl from DC, and the high school kids from the hippie school were there, and Benji was there, cuz he’s everywhere, and--

As folks left--Angie started playing Wonderwall around 3AM, so, uh, a little bit before then--it ended up just being the seven of us. Her parents are out of town--as always. Well, not always. But frequently.

They’re mad about--Blarvardgate.

I--I didn’t say it! I said something mildly close alluding to it. Stop texting me!

But. It was just the seven of us there, Angie still playing some terrible 90s song, and--Benji says, “I brought fireworks. Forgot about that til now.” Elaine, uh, Robin’s new fiancee, asked, “They legal?”

Benji said, “It’s New Year’s Day and I’m a--a bit of a town celebrity,” he said, because his podcast gets, like, seventeen downloads per episode.

“You are?” asked Elaine.

He got really proud, real fast, and he said, “Yes, absolutely, and also, I’m at some rich people’s house and it’s New Year’s Day, so, like. We’ll be fine.”

Which, fair.

And that’s about when things blew up?

Ironically, not literally, cuz he went to his truck, and brought out the fireworks, and he was--well. It was New Year’s, he wasn’t sober, so, he tripped, and those things went flying, landing in the water. It was a bad fall, he hit his head on a rock. And Charlotte was laughing, and she was wading right where the waves were breaking, and she fell backwards, so--AJ panicked, and he jumped in after her, cuz she wasn’t coming up.

And AJ came up, holding Char so she could stand, and she was coughing up water, looked like she was about to pass out. I was checking out Benji’s wound, even though, I’m, like,--blood? Not my thing, ever, at all, it’s--it’s weird and red, and Angie was getting up to check on me, and Rob and her fiancee were trying to help out the kids, and--

And the sky went bright purple.

Not, like, when it’s a sunset, and the sky’s kinda magenta? And that’s blending into the night-sky color, but--

Like, highest saturation on photoshop, highest brightness, makes-you-almost vomit cuz your eyes are burning, that bright purple.

And my skin, it felt like it was burning. I smelled salt, felt a breeze, and I tried to close my eyes, to breathe out, but I couldn’t.

And then there was nothing.

And then I woke up on the beach. I could smell salt, I was totally clear-headed--and Benji’s cut? It was gone.

My watch said it was around 4AM. My phone was dead, but--it was the first, still. The sun was rising, in--in normal sky colors.

And I woke up second. Elaine was already up.

She asked me if I saw it too.

I said I that did.

Neither of us needed to clarify what. But we did. Obviously. Because “it” could be, like, anything, like--could be that new reality show that everyone’s super into where eliminations are decided by arm wrestles--it’s, like--it’s got compelling storylines, I swear.

My phone died, Angie, so if you’re trying to communicate, I can’t help you.

Oh! Time’s passing normally now. That’s nice. That’s good.

The plan was to recount the past week’s events, as well as their psychological effect on us. That’s what we agreed on.

So. Time stopped for a little while today. That was weird. That’s important.

I guess--I’m first, so I should talk about my other big experience too.

I was the fourth of us to see something, after it all? It was the third. After work, I was walkin’ to Ramon’s? And as I passed the custard stand, I saw this woman.

She was shorter than me, uh, long sundress on that was way too summery for this weather, but she didn’t seem cold. I offered her my hoodie, cuz I at least had long sleeves, but she didn’t answer. Dark hair, big sunglasses. I’d wager maybe thirty.

She took off her sunglasses, yeah? And the sky flashed purple--the same purple, the same burning feeling all over me--

And then the same nothingness, same smell of salt, same breeze, but--

I was still standing. And we were in this space, this--this purple nothingness, no ground, no sky, no nothing, that’s a double negative, you get what I mean, and--I was still standing--more floating, which was--not as pleasant as you’d expect? But not unpleasant, either. And this woman, she looked at me,  dead in the eyes, and--

And she said--

[beat, uncomfortable]

What did she say?

[laughs]

It’s--it’s in my head, like. Tip of my tongue. I wrote it down, but it’s--it’s another individual letters making out a word I know but can’t--type situation.

But whatever.

What I’m most concerned about is my going to the beach. About the sticky notes. Like, that’s some sci-fi bullshit. Or some horror bullshit. Either or. Probably both.

Again, Truman Showed. Viable theory, here.

Or it has something to do with the Groundhog Day thing. Maybe.

I think what bothers me about this is how easy I’m accepting all this--that, like, I’m fairly sure all this is real. I know it’s--it’s weird. I know that this is sci-fi-esque, but, like--I never saw myself as a protagonist, or--any kind of tagonist, I guess, in those stories. But this--now, I think that I am.

So. Cool.

But why do I think that’s cool? I’m the--I’m the socially-stilted nerdy girl who either dies second or gets really good at guns, and I’m very afraid of guns.

So, therefore? I’m dying second.

Or, or or or, I’m Lois Lane. Charming and tough young journalist, swept off her feet by a charming stranger. Hopefully not a Superman, though, cuz--he’s not my thing. But. Yeah. I can deal with Lois.

I feel like I should know what happens next. Me or Benji, we gotta, we’re the ones who know genre like the backs of our hands. That’s why we’re friends, but--

This isn’t supposed to happen here. Like, I grew up here, and I’m--I wasn’t planning to stay here forever, obviously, but--This town, VB, it’s--it’s comforting in its boringness. Sure, it’s not-- the people here are always cycling in-and-out, cuz tourism and school, and all that, but--Violet Beach is a normal-ass town. We don’t have ghost stories, we don’t have cryptids, we--we don’t have lore, or whatever. I don’t think there’s ever been a murder here, for God’s sake.

Okay, well--the hippie school’s headmaster, uh, the rebrander guy, Andrew Corielli, or--his son’s the mayor, right?--Shot that grocer, like, in the sixties. But everyone was a serial killer back then, if I can trust every true crime show ever.

But--my point is. What’s going on is not what happens in this town. What’s going on is what goes on in, like, Roswell, or--or Twin Peaks, or something.

I’m--I don’t have much else to say. That’s a conclusion if there ever was one. So. Uh.

Okay. I’m signing off. Thanks, guys. Hope to see you soon.

[264jana]

If you like fanfics and like Stucky go check my girl @sebastianstan_igfanpage on instagram ▶Also, just for you information, Steve is a Dom and James is a Sub in this story. So read it only if you want it 😉 ..... >>my photoshop edit ....... The brunette walks in, silent as a cat. The clothes he's wearing, specific to the request of his Dom for the night. He swallowed down the lump in his throat as he began to undress himself. First his boots, socks, then shirt, jeans, no underwear, again as requested. Leave the glasses on he was told. Naked, he crosses to the center of the room and kneels. Knees tucked under the back of his toned, lean thighs. Hands on his thighs, palms up and head bowed down. Total submission. Fingers grasp the back of his neck, nails scraping his scalp, tugging at his hair until the brunette whimpers at the bite of pain. "Kneel up, Sub." The voice is dark as sin and smooth as silk. Familiar. Heat permeating from the man towering over him as the command vibrates through him, his body instantly reacting to his words. A thick callused thumb traces his plump lips as he stutters in a breath. "Suck." And like a flick of a switch, his tongue darts out, lapping at it, latching on it, swallowing it down. "Yes..." he hisses. "That's not enough, is it?" the dark tone in the man's voice has him embarrassingly leaking as a long bead of wetness dribbles from his slit onto the hardwood floor. "I know what you need. I can give you what you need. Just ask." He whines as the thumb slips from his moistened lips, dragging his spit down his chin as his skin pebbles with distant memories. Memories of thick callused hands claiming his body roughly in a dark alley. And before he can delve any further, he's being pulled up and shoved face first against the wall, legs shoved apart, hand clamped around his throat as the man's hot breath on his neck makes him gasp. The clinking of a belt buckle and the pull of a zipper has him panting hard against the body slotted against his naked back. "Say it." He growls, as he presses forward. Blunt tip angry and throbbing ready to breach him. "Say it." The man's voice is strained, body wound up tight and ready to snap. "Say it James!" He clamps down on his neck as the brunette cries out. "Yes! S-sir... St-Steve!" His screams are cut short as they turn into wrecked moans as he's penetrated in one long thrust.