#and i still stick to my dedication to make sure those poor girls dont have to work. but

[orcelito]

Mental illness canceled 👍

Unfortunately I have to write a program today :| or at least however much to get my presentation for tomorrow ready.

Ugh

[aesjae]

Boyfriend! Jaehyun

#5 of Boyfriend! Series

Taeil | Johnny | Taeyong | Yuta | Kun | Doyoung | Ten | Jaehyun | WinWin | Jungwoo | Lucas | Mark | Xiao Jun | Hendery | Renjun | Jeno | Haechan | Jaemin | Yang Yang | Chen Le | Jisung

A/N: I honestly didn’t mean to be biased but i’m so soft because i love jaehyun so much so this boyfriend! would be much longer than the rest. i love all the members but im so sorry i got carried away ㅠㅠ

Word Count: 2,349 Style/ Genre: Headcanon/ very fluffy  Date Posted: 7 Sept 2017

omg i'm already soft at the thought of this

i'm just gonna imagine the loml being my real bf now to make things easier and fluffier

so can you imagine jaehyun

THE jung yoonoh being your boyfriend

omg it'd be so adorable and fluffy?

i'll not talk about the confession as i'll leave that for a future series

but after jaehyun confesses to you

he'd be so shy???

like his head would be bowed

arms awkwardly by his side

not knowing what to do with them so he holds onto the ends of his fingertips instead

but when you revealed you like him to and agreed to be in a relationship with him

his head would snap upwards towards you

at first looking really confused

but when your words fully registered into his head

a huge grin would just morph onto his face

that adorable grin that i can never get sick of

and he'll pull you by the wrist and enveloped you into a hug, burying his head into your neck/ shoulder, grin never leaving his face

and both of you would walk out of the venue hand in hand

it was a new but warm and fuzzy feeling

but you liked it

jaehyun would be one of the sweetest and goofiest boyfriends in nct

both of you would still be in high school

and you would go to every of his basketball matches and singing competitions

before every match and competition though he would make sure he meets you

claiming that you were his lucky charm

and that the match or competition wouldn't go well without you

even if it were a mere 5 minutes

he would want to meet you

both of you would be outside the gymnasium/ backstage and he would be taking your hand in his, head looking down and nervously fiddling with your fingers

you would squeeze his hand from time to time to reassure him that he’d do well

and he’ll up at you with those wavering and jittery eyes

omg how precious

and he’ll pull you in for a hug

that hug would give jaehyun all the strength that he needed tbh

he would have felt so energised

he would only reluctantly break away from the hug when it was absolutely time to go

but not forgetting to peck you on your cheeks or your lips before running off

probably leaving you blushing over there

jaehyun would really enjoy bringing you out for dates

i mean he would be a sucker for dates man

from those really simple lunch dates

to those extravagant special surprise dates that he may or may not have spent a few weeks preparing

let’s start with lunch dates

! ! !

honestly, jaehyun would be the type of boyfriend who would be fine with just eating fast food with you

i mean

broke teens

broke young adults

poor souls

ain’t gonna waste money on abalone or some shit on a daily basis

i mean being realistic here right

uall are still high school kids in this scenario

so jaehyun’s gonna be super goofy yet sweet

he would be teasing you with the fries

“(Y/N)~ Ah, here’s your fry~”

//extends his hand out with fry, only to swiftly pop it into his mouth when it was right about to enter mouths//

“Aw (Y/N), don’t be sad~~ I’ll feed you another”

well let’s just say you never got that fry

in fact, jaehyun probably snatched like 80% of your fries

“You’re so cute (Y/N)~ I’m so glad I found you hehe”

and he would pinch your pouting cheeks lovingly, with that sickeningly cute smile on his face

as revenge, you would purposely only buy one ice cream cone

none for jaejae

ey but jaejae is a darejae

omg that was lame

okay but

you may put on a mocking expression as you savoured your ice cream cone, seating opposite jaehyun

looking at jaehyun who had a frown on his face as he eyed your ice cream cone

and also your lips

suddenly he may let out a frustrated sigh and suddenly gets up

reaching over to your side of the table with his body

and suddenly giving you a peck

which became much longer than expected

stunning you in position

before you could react jaehyun had taken a huge swig of your ice cream

eating like half of the ice cream and some of the cone

chuckling as he licked his lips covered with ice cream

and when you finally recovered to your senses you could only realise in dismay and horror that half of your ice cream was gone

rip ice cream

and jaehyun would be sticking his tongue out at you

what a child

but a cute and seriously handsome one

okay now for the more extravagant dates

honestly, i would think that he would have planned something special for your school prom

promposal was probably one of the cutest things

with jaehyun being one of the smartest in the batch he would have come out with a really smart promposal

it happened in math class

and the teacher was going through trigonometry, asking if anybody wanted to volunteer to demonstrate the steps to an exercise question

jaehyun raised his hand, which was kind of shocking because despite being one of the smartest of students, jaehyun might be shy in raising his hands in class

but this time he raised his hand up confidently, causing you to just look at him with amusement

however, you didn’t think too much about it, looking down at your notebook again to work on the same question

when you finally let out an exasperated sigh, giving up on the complicated question

cheers began to erupt and your classmates started clapping loudly

numerous of your classmates started turning their heads to look at you with wide grins on their faces and you’re just like ?????

until you saw the board

jaehyun was standing beside the board

fiddling with his fingers nervously again, a sheepish yet hopeful grin on his face

shy, twinkling eyes looking up at you

beside him, in perfect black marker ink

“(Y/N), girl/boy, you got me SIN(ghing) COS of your beauty. You’re so beautiful inside and out, I’m so glad and blessed we both atTANded this school, because I get to meet you at one point, and I have no regrets. Instead of staying tangent to each other and only crossing at one point, let’s be parallel and never leave each other’s side. Prom, with me?”

i swear you probably would’ve cringed by the time you read that finish

but there would be some tears in your eyes

and your cheeks would hurt from your grin

because that was one of the sweetest and cringiest thing someone had ever done for you, even from Jaehyun

you wouldn’t even realise that the whole class was staring at you anticipating your response

and when you nodded your head, the whole call burst into cheers

even your teacher was clapping gleefully

and jaehyun would walk back to both of your seats, enveloping you in a hug

i mean it was only a promposal but you loved it

since you felt every inch of Jaehyun’s sincerity

but that wasn’t the surprise yet

the surprise comes on the day of prom

both of you would be dressed splendidly ( i mean jAEHYUN IN A TUX IS LIKE WOAHHHHHH)

and both of you would be slow dancing to a song,

when suddenly jaehyun turned back to look at the wall clock, abruptly excusing himself and saying that he would be right back

but he left you stranded, so you just awkwardly stayed in your place, not knowing what to do

suddenly the slow dance song transited into this soft pop ballad instrumental and you could hear the voiceover of a familiar voice

“(Y/N), she was the one that made me feel myself, even at the times i felt like i wasn’t myself. she was the one that understood me the best and stood by me during my difficulties, even when i had trouble trying to handle them myself. she’s more than i could ask for, and this is for her.”

and suddenly jaehyun neatly clad in his tux would step onto the middle of the stage

grabbing the microphone

and starts to sing a self composed song

some of the lyrics were words that Jaehyun and you said to each other

some of them were about the times both of you spent together

some of them were just jaehyun’s pure confession of his feelings for you

but all of them were part of his declaration of love to you

you were entranced in the song

but also in jaehyun’s eyes

he would have his eyes fixated on you throughout the song

as if he was pouring his heartfelt confession to you

but in front of the whole school

as if ascertaining his love for you

as if telling the whole world of his dedication and commitment to you, and to ward off anybody else who wanted to break the both of you apart

but both of you knew that your bond was formidable

it was strong

and everyday when you look at jaehyun with the same expression of adoration and love, you just knew in your heart that both of your feelings were unwavering, and would be for a long time

okay let’s end this mini scenario and get on

jaehyun could be a jerk face boyfriend sometimes since he would love to tease you

but most of the time he would be gentlemanly and really sweet

like even on his most stressed out and busy days, he would make sure he reserved some time for you

maybe just a daily text message conversation, face timing, phone calls, or just a casual trip to your house

tbh he would really care for you

even if you call him at 3am in the morning because of a panic attack or something was troubling you

he would be patient despite being woken up from his slumber

but he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep knowing that you weren’t feeling great either

so he would talk to you all morning, until both of you were exhausted

and when you finally felt better and more at ease

he would hum you a soft tune as you feel yourself falling deeper

into his love

i’M STAYING UP I DONT WANNA COME DOWN FROM YOUR LOVE

okay ten you had your solo this is jae’s spotlight

i’M SORRY MY DEAR BIAS THE LOML NEEDS TO SHINE

jaehyun would just die for skinship though

hugs! hugs! hugs!!! everywhere!!!!

piggybacks!! arm hooking!!! cuddling!!!! 

and kisses everywhere

on your cheeks

lips

forehead

jaw

neck

palm

hand

!!!!!

but not sick okay it’s just a sign of love

handholding almost every time both of you are together

if you’re significantly shorter than him than he’d have a arm slung around your shoulder

if you’re around his height range then he would have a hand gently rested along the curvature of your spine

eep yass!! and uall will have bookshop dates

we all know how jaehyun likes books

he’ll definitely invite you to his favourite bookshops one day

and both of you would find yourself lost in the world of books

he may play games with you in the bookshop

hiding behind books and surprising you

which you would hit his shoulder playfully, chiding him for disturbing the other readers and buyers in the store

he would introduce you to his favourite books

hoping you would come to love them just as much as he does

it’ll just be this really cozy and comfy bookstore date

omg i’d love that tbh like asdfghjkl

and you can totally count on jamming to music with jug jarhyun

jaehyun imitations of the dances would be hilarious

like those on nct night night

and you’d find yourself laughing at how funny yet cute jaehyun was

and now, the part on fights

jaehyun and you probably will fight

it might just be a small misunderstanding or a small difference in personality

or maybe something as small as the change in jaehyun’s or your job shift

jaehyun might express his unhappiness directly most of the times, hoping that maybe you could do something to resolve the cause of his unhappiness

but your stubbornness may get the better of you and rebut jaehyun instead

it might end up in a minor argument

but it would be really seldom or rare that both of you would be involved in a major fight

some of the times though, jaehyun may just conceal his unhappiness, thinking that it would be for the best

for example, when a close guy friend of yours seem to be subtly flirting with you yet you don’t notice

jaehyun may simply grit his teeth and not say a word

because he knew how much you treasured your friendships

especially those with really close friends

but soon you would realise jaehyun was being unusually quiet

and notice how hardened and stiff his jaw was

and you may consult him

a little talk between the both of you would usually resolve any unhappiness or misunderstanding

understanding and trust would play really important roles in your relationship

but tbh, being in a relationship with jaehyun as your boyfriend would be really assuring

jaehyun would love cooking for you from time to time too

i mean his cooking isn’t bad

and he liked experimenting with food too

and he internally thanked his mum for teaching him her recipes

because he got to cook special dishes for you, his special girl 

hehe

he might be playful and cocky at times

but he would also be really sweet and caring as a boyfriend

smiles would be something you would never miss on a daily basis

except for when jaehyun was out and not with you :-(

and everyday this cute little boy would just light up your life!!

please continue loving and supporting this cute little boy because i would hehe

i love him

[unedited]  it’s midnight here while i’m typing this and my correct grammar doesn’t come out at night so pardon the grammatical errors

[swooncraft]

Thoughts Into a Void-Art & Depression

This is me... organizing things for myself to get back into the swing of things. It’s a little disjointed, but it.. writing things out like this, reflecting, always helps me. It’s not sad and woe is me like.

Taking any time to share a thought and having the power of the internet to spread that to numerous people is amazing.

There’s a disconnect for me somewhere along the line. The platforms I use, while some are made for stories and comics and others aren’t, there’s just something inherently frustrating about spooling out one large cohesive sum. Not just as a reader, I assure you it’s frustrating as a creator too.

When I first learned people make and share their own comics online I was floored. I’d been writing stories and making doodles with them all my life. Ten years ago I shared my first page to the internet. Here it is.

I love realism with a hint of magic or sci-fi, and maybe you can blame Temix for that, but I realized something about that single page; “Why was it only one?” I asked on the forums how people on that site go about posting to make sure people were keeping up and remembering what was happening between posts. My art was crude (for being a young self taught teen artist), but very well intended; and it took me twelve goddamn hours to complete over the course of a week.

A lot of what people said was to have a schedule, people who like your story/art will stick around and remember. I heard a few people agree that webcomics had more dedicated fans, because you posted once or twice a week they would spend a little more time looking at the available pages.

That didn’t seem.. Right to me. I did the same with real comics and manga. If I liked it, once I was done I’d look back through the art... And how could posting a page at a time be beneficial to anyone? One could show consistency and integrity in a schedule with a several page post once a month or one full chapter every several weeks. It boggled me.

I kept drawing though, because I didn’t have several pages to share at a time. I tried my best to post once a week. I worked 50 hours as a manager at the time, so the ten hours I was spending on these pages was a huge investment. After a year I burned myself out...

Part of it was that I didn’t have the artistic skill to depict the things I wanted to do in that old project. Part of it was that it was gaining steam and had something like 30 people following and anticipating it. Part of it was my lack of planning, and still being a little new to storytelling on the scale the project needed...

So, I didn’t draw for months after I hit that wall. It.. was rough. We’ve all got issues, and mine and my inability to get back on my feet back then made me very volatile to myself.

Temix had just gotten out of art school and tried convincing me to draw a bit. I doodled, because she knew how to approach me about it and make it something I couldn’t back down from.

Sooner than later I dreamt about a zombie apocalypse and Deadgirl & Sue were born. With a lot of help and shaping by Temix.

The mission was ‘fuck art, tell the story.’ And that worked fine for a few months and several pages. I didn’t set deadlines for myself, and I didn’t care when I drew two right hands...

Even though this one haunts me to this day.. Anyway, fall of 2010 became summer 2011 and I was reeling internally about this non-schedule and art and story. So I stopped again. But I didn’t kick myself too hard about it because unlike my first comic, no one was paying attention to DG&Sue.

I’d been writing a lot anyway, and was feeling really good about the growth I was making there. I’m ‘good’ at art, I’m ‘okay’ at singing, but since I floundered on story years prior I learned and felt that that was were I shined. Just putting words on a page. I still mostly agree with those sentiments. Maybe now I’m a ‘little better’ at art, and ‘decent’ at singing, but I’m still a star at storycraft.

It was 2013 when I got back on track to finish that single first chapter of DG&Sue. I’d spent the previous 8 months writing a novel. I had the premise for the story in my mind for a few years so I wrote. I learned a lot and crafted something that.. Is really rough and raw, but it’s something I’m still very proud of..

So that fall I finished the second draft, Edited it all myself (though it still probly has plenty of grammatical and spelling errors) and reread it a hundred times to make sure it was only what it needed to be... And submitted it to several agencies. While waiting for replies I finished the last handful of pages for the first chapter of DG&Sue.

it was done. Not only did I write a 65k novel, I finished a comic. It wasn’t completely over, I left it a little open in case I wanted to bring the characters back. For a while though, Juliet and Sue got to rest in peace.

Meanwhile.. Let me be honest. The agents... Who the fuck am I? I’m a hack that flails against a keyboard screaming endlessly into the void; “NOTICE ME, BUT PLEASE DONT LET ME NOTICE THAT YOU NOTICE ME SO I DONT GET OVERWHELMED.”

All of the agents rejected me.

I wasn’t expecting to wow all of them.. I thought one might want to see the whole novel and tell me it could work if I changed something major about it. But none of them-Some of them in their emails back were offended that I submitted my query to them.

That really fucked me up. See, earlier THAT year I hit rock bottom as an alcoholic. Writing that novel helped me stop drinking. And after all of the months and long nights I spent refining that story the best I could to be rejected... I couldn’t kid myself though. None of my friends would even read it. So, I reiterate; screaming endlessly into the void; “NOTICE ME, BUT PLEASE DONT LET ME NOTI-” And I felt really dry. I couldn’t just not do anything about those feeling, but I couldn’t resort to liquor and video games weren’t taking the edge off...

So, to quote a great book, “I felt like destroying something beautiful.” Created a nice new little OC... And sent her through some good old fashioned Lovecraftian horror to fucking break her the way I felt broken inside. It beats being a no life drunkard, and it’s better then shooting up a school or suicide.. The first draft was a short story outline. And I thought, ‘It might be nice to do this as a comic.. to try using.. photoshop like Temix keeps suggesting. I’ll practice colors while I destroy this poor girl. I’ll become intimate with yellows like I became intimate with tones while drawing DG&Sue. And I’ll make Lovecraft my own like I made Priest, and Way, and Palahnuik my own.’

And this release of my feelings...

I decided to do it right. It was scheduled. And made sure it had an ending I could reach. It was a shining yellow light in deep blotchy darkness, Ink was more well received then I ever imagined it would be.

So, I toyed with expanding it while it was being finished. Picked up the threads I left for DG&Sue hoping.. Thinking that if I were working on a rotating schedule, that I wouldn’t get bored, that a new thing to work on every few months would keep me challenged... That I wouldn’t get overwhelmed... and stop.

I wasn’t wrong.

I haven’t missed an update in close to three years now. Sometimes I forget to post at one place or another, but the pages are available somewhere.

Over those years I expanded to several internet mediums... Swoonsphere of course, The Duck where I first started at, DeviantArt, Imgur, Pixiv, Tapastic, and I was directed to upload on Tumblr too, even though it doesn’t lend itself to webcomics...

Between Imgur, Pixiv, and Tapastic, being the only places I do bulk page uploads, I see terrible, but consistent growth every time I post on Tapastic (the other two there’s views, but not a lot of following). Which brings me back to something someone asked me recently, and what I started this and my webcomic career with.

Why don’t I post batches on Tumblr? On most sites?

I considered it. But everything is generally bite sized and easily consumable on these types of sites. That’s why I’ve been more stressed out lately. I’m not hoping that people will follow my Tumblr, because it’s not my... place. It’s not the right platform for what I do. I can only hope that people will see a fragment of a story, or decent art, or decent colors, or interesting tags and click the links to my website where it’s easier to read. I don’t make money off of Swoonsphere, the ads on it are usually blocked or disabled anyway because there’s no traffic. So.. Is it bad practice to hope someone will open a new tab to take a closer look while they’re scrolling through their Tumblr feed?

You know? Like I said.. screaming endlessly into the void; “NOTICE ME BUT PLE-” I don’t know how to market my comics. I dont expect people to come around for my art streams, and I dont expect people to be wowed by my ‘finished’ art. I just want people to read my stories and want to know what the next step is for the characters, or tell me what they think, or ask me why things went the way they did.

Personally I think my stories are a little cheesy and tropey, but have some unique things, and if nothing else, have characters that you can root for.

But I’m tired.. And feel myself after 30 months burning out. Because like my novel no one’s actually read what I’ve done even though it’s readily available for simple viewing. If it’s something wrong with Swoonsphere, I could direct people to the Duck or Tapastic. I post everywhere, and the sum of readers after all this time is hilariously low.

I’m not stopping yet. But I am frustrated, and disheartened.