#and i start thinking i fumbled something like no girl they are racist 😭

[narcopathyfiles]

i find american race politics wacky a lot of the time but like Honestly. maybe having a better sense of identity in my race would fix some of my shit i think.

[insectsinsects]

Recently finished a show listed as an HBO Girls-type spawn called "Shrill" on Hulu which chronicles the lived experience of fat women in an inherently fatphobic world through a flawed protagonist and a variety of choices she makes. This was a very interesting watch because I was admittedly looking for something to satiate my urge to rewatch Girls but have ended up going through the whole thing pretty fast and being hit with the whiplash of actually missing it.

Annie (brilliantly played by Aidy Bryant!) is truly a Hannah Horvath type... a defiant body type among other shows of its time with a show that frames it with normalcy through acknowledgement in proper places and through the success of its protagonists. Annie is so tough to watch, not only as a product of a world which devalues and tries to "fix" her, but also as a crazy selfish person (😭). She's boldly inconsiderate, ungrateful, and outright rude at times, and you can see part of that is a coping mechanism for internal and external fatphobia. Owning the space she occupies, lurching at career and relationship opportunities without care, and selfishly moving ahead are things that seem to liberate her from her body but are also reminders of the vessel we are forced to operate regardless of how it's percieved. It showcases a history of diets initially imposed upon her by her mother until she moves out and starts treating herself poorly on her own volition. She's allowed frequent sexual encounters, illuminating the existent desire for fat people despite the prevalent status quo which simultaneously highlights her own perception of sex as the ultimate form of validation.

I watched this in 2 weeks over several laundry sessions and chores and things where I honestly wasn't looking but a lot of dialogue forced me to sit down and take in the framing and body language and the things which are invisibly superimposed upon us as people with bodies. I think it reveals things about the viewers, especially if they don't exactly look like Annie Easton. Her mannerisms are familiar to the insecure woman (MEEE) and sometimes you can't blame her for settling for someone because she thinks it's the only time love might come around for her. I also found they created a good (albeit rushed) arc that they reckoned with her whiteness wherein she perhaps un/knowingly succumbs to platforming a racist familt cult (crazy ass episode, also that is her sin verbatim😭) in order to satiate her desire to become a bigger, unconventional journalist. It was interesting, because I do think the writers towed the line well when creating a black lesbian best friend in Fran (Lolly Adefope!!!!!!!! love), who knows when Annie is being inconsiderate and knows when to let her be/learn on her own. She's a great confidante. Their friendship and the boundaries seem evident, though even that is questioned later on. Fran is initially constructed to be Annie's more "put together" foil, but throughout the show this is quickly undone. She's flawed, sometimes as emotionally unintelligent and inconsiderate to her own partners as Annie's boyfriends, and dynamics of gender and sexuality as it relates to body are pretty brilliantly displayed here.

Annie fumbles so many things and learns and sometimes doesn't learn, and there really comes a point on the creative end where you can tell the writers were told this was their final season (with like 4 episodes to go...) And by no means is it perfect nor comprehensive.

But despite these things I found it easy to root for Annie as someone reckoning with my own past of self mistreatment and the dismal mindset I had when I was just unbearably insecure, lashing out, and wanting to cease existence. It's kind of encouraging in a way to see someone so forward about their ambitions, propelling their own body towards something they care about. It was also nice to see people stick around despite her mean outbursts. The idea of "mattering" through other people is a comforting one for the self-loathing, and a solid foundation for unlearning it.