#and i obviously don't blame Crowley for not understanding

[number1wah]

ok so like, obviously Nina and Maggie are basically human versions on Crowley and Aziraphale right?? Right. And one wonderful example of that is when Crowley is about to lead everyone out of the bookshop, and Maggie (who has no idea what is going on but knows, knows, that whatever it is is dangerous), decides to stay. She wants to help. And she doesn't want Aziraphale to be on his own. Because she is brave. And because she stays, Nina (who was about to run away leave), also stays. (She's also just so curious about what's happening which is very familiar)

Aziraphale staying (to stop the apocalypse or in the book shop or on earth or in heaven) is him being brave. He's choosing to meet things head on. He's choosing to try and change the outcome. And because of that Crowley also stays.

But they're both idiots and Crowley doesn't understand that Aziraphale leaving for Heaven isn't actually him leaving it's Aziraphel choosing to stay and try and do good.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

why i love aziraphale and why i find his character so heartbreaking

So I made a post on why I relate to Crowley and I adore him, obviously. I think a few you misunderstood what I meant there, though (which is understandable, I was a bit incoherent but that is inevitable on this blog). I wasn't saying Aziraphale didn't care about Crowley or was horrible to him, rather the opposite.

What I was saying was maybe Crowley felt unloved against his better judgement, because he knows he is loved by Aziraphale, but maybe everything he has been through has started to chip away at that knowledge. It's happened to me, I'm sure it's happened to a few of you. You are assured that you are loved, you can see them doing things for you, but you feel unloved. Maybe because of the other people who don't love you. Maybe because... you don't love yourself.

But I definitely wasn't putting down Aziraphale, who is a beautiful character. I adore him. I love how every single second, all his emotions are on his face. That's actually how I realised they'd switched bodies--in heaven, 'Aziraphale' had a cool, dismissive look on his face. That could only be Crowley, I knew, because Crowley is a bit better (not a lot, not around Azi of course) at masking his emotions.

That's what's so beautiful about Azi, we can just see how much he feels, how much he adores Crowley, how much hope he had, how much faith in Heaven, how much determination to do the right thing. How determined he is to keep Crowley safe, to make Crowley smile and laugh, and how much it kills him every time he has to push Crowley away for both of their sakes, or he thinks he has to. You both want to protect that optimism and faith, and also shake him and tell him the truth. But how do we know better than him, a 6000 year old angel? There's so much that we don't know, that may have happened behind the scenes, that's orchestrating his decisions.

Some of you are certain that there is more, that he doesn't still believe that what Heaven offers is genuine, because how could he? I'm also sure that there is more, but can I also offer an alternate idea? Even if there wasn't more, maybe he isn't to blame if he did continue to believe in Heaven's goodness.

We've been in toxic relationships. With friends, partners, family. I know how hard it is to accept that something you love is not worthy of that love. Something you admired is something flawed. Something you would do anything to keep is something you need to push away.

The worst of all, of course, is that time, somewhere in our childhood or teens or adulthood, when a lot of us realise our parent or parents are not heroes. That we don't agree with them. That they were wrong about a lot of things. Because they taught us everything, they were our guides, how could they be wrong? And if we can't believe in them, then what are we supposed to believe in?

Maybe Aziraphale is going through that journey, over all those millennia. Some of us are forced to realise it before we even turn ten, some of us haven't realised it yet, some of us may not ever or may not need to.

Maybe Aziraphale is just a child of God, realising that Heaven, his technical family, is not the Good that not only they but the entire world believes them to be. Everyone says Heaven is good, including a lot of Hell, including a lot of humankind, it's just given. What is Heavenly is good. And Aziraphale wants to be good.

But he's going through that painful journey of realising that good may not be what he was taught, that good comes in many shades and tints and hues. And we can see him do it, we can see him defy Heaven and God, for Crowley or for humans or for himself. He's doing it, and we need to see how it isn't easy for him. Having your entire system of belief deconstructed is painful and awful. And if you were wrong once, how do you know you won't be the next time?

It's hard enough for Crowley, torn between whether he was unworthy or whether Heaven was wrong. Imagine the tumult that Aziraphale goes through, because if Heaven accepts him and Heaven isn't always good, does that mean Aziraphale has been doing it all wrong all his life?

He's going through something that we all go through, and is every bit as relatable as Crowley is. I love them both so much. I'm so glad that there's a third season, to see how that arc closes, to see if maybe they find the answers we're all looking for.

@adverbian and @howmanyholesinswisscheese, I hope this helps? Again, I haven't watched season 2 yet and have a horrible memory since I've been watching season 1 heavily medicated, so this is just from what I know and can tell and headcanon, perhaps.

[daughterofcain-67]

𝕽𝖆𝖎𝖘𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖓 𝕭𝖑𝖔𝖔𝖉 (𝔭𝔱.2)

(Dean Winchester x Reader)

(masterlist)

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Sam and Dean are on the road looking into a lead that Castiel had given them. Sam is hoping that this will get them a step closer to getting Dean some help. Meanwhile, Dean is reluctant because the lead doesn't sound promising in aiding Cass in the hunt for Metatron. He thinks this will be a waste of time, but little does he know what he and his brother will find waiting for them in Cincinnati. Meanwhile, you are on a mission to find out why exactly Crowley has sent a demon to come and find you.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: SPN spoilers, the usual supernatural violence, torture and gore that may not be suitable for all audiences.

Sam was riding in the Impala beside Dean while he was driving. Castiel asked them to go to Cincinnati, Ohio to look into a lead. There was a report that a demon went to some sort of tattoo parlor and hadn't been seen again.

No one was sure if it was related to Metatron, or if an angel under him had something to do with it. Dean was a little skeptical at first but in the end he agreed to go with Sam, hoping this wouldn't be some sort of wild goose chase. It's like they've left every stone unturned when it came to locating the former Scribe of God but they would come in empty handed every time and it was really getting under Dean's skin.

"This had better be worth it, other wise we're just wasting time when we could be looking into an actual lead, not to mention it's a waste of Baby's gas." Dean said with a bit of a grumble. Sam rolled his eyes at the last part of the remark.

"With the amount of credit card frauds we've undergone, I think the car's gas is the least of our worries." Sam said with an arched brow and Dean shrugged a bit, gaze still transfixed on the road.

The constant burning in Dean's arm was relentless with the mark. He knew that he had the urge to kill. Something needed to be done, he needed to kill something on this hunt to get some sort of relief, even if it was temporary.

Sam had told Dean not to bring the first blade along. At first, Dean complied but the second that Sam wasn't looking, he tucked it into his jacket for safe keeping. After all, what if Metatron just showed up spontaneously? What if they ran into more than just a handful of demons on this 'new lead' Cass sent them on? Bringing the first blade was a necessary precaution even if Sam didn't see it that way.

"Dean? You alright, man?" Sam asked. Dean perked up when he was broken from his thoughts. But the older brother nodded a little.

"Yeah. Just hoping that this lead won't be a waste. If we don't take care of this mess soon, who knows what that bastard will do. Metatron has to die and we can't afford any more screw ups. Not when we've lost enough people over it." Dean said.

"Then there's the fact that Cass is obviously having trouble finding what he needs. I should be over there helping him out. He needs some answers and those stupid angels don't know how to get it out of the other angels they capture. they don't know a damned thing about interrogation and who knows when things will get worse on his end." He continued on.

Sam frowned, understanding where Dean was coming from. He couldn't blame Dean for feeling bad about Kevin. Nobody wanted something like that to happen. He was just a kid. And Kevin didn't deserve Gadreel killing him like that.

"Dean, if they need help with some interrogation tactics then I'm sure that Cass will give us a call. Especially considering your... experience. And I'm just as angry as you are about what happened to Kevin. I get what you're going through. But unless we have any other leads to follow, this is the best one that we've got for the time being." Sam said.

Dean took in Sam's words and his jaw tensed, his grip tightened on the steering wheel as his brows furrowed together. The mere mention of what happened to that kid was enough to make his blood boil.

"How could you possibly understand what I'm going through, huh? There's been enough shit in our lives, this mark is the only thing that has brought any hope in this whole damned disaster, and you do nothing but nag about the so called effects you think it gives me. It's always one argument after another over the one thing that can bring all of this shit to an end." Dean practically snapped.

Sam was a little shocked that he'd burst like that, yet he wasn't really surprised at what had been eating at his brother. He knew Dean wasn't one to open up about how he felt, but he didn't to a good job at hiding the fact that he was bothered either.

"Okay, wrong choice of words. But putting an end to this mess is a part of why we're out here right? As long as it's a step forward, then it's at least a step closer to the goal. It's a Hell of a lot better than taking five steps back, right?" Sam said with that typically optimistic tone that he seemed to have most of the time. The tone that Dean didn't always understand when things seemed to be at its darkest.

The real reason for coming to Ohio right now was because Cass had a hunch that it wasn't one of Metatron's angels that may have killed that demon. Maybe this person would be able to assist in killing Metatron. But what Sam was hoping for the most was that this would be the break they needed. That this lead would be the foretold, missing daughter of Cain. Dean needed a win, and Sam was hoping that this would be some kind of win for the both of them. Someone to help ease the suffering, help Dean gain some kind of control.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Sammy. But if this thing turns out to be a disaster then you won't be hearing the end of it."

"Yeah, I've already gathered that." Sam said with a slight smirk.

Dean rolled his eyes a little before he leaned forward and pushed a button on the Impala's radio to play one of his cassette tapes. The next thing they knew, they were listening to Would by Alice in Chains.

"Well this is kind of different from your classic rock you normally play isn't it?" Sam asked and Dean shrugged.

"Nothing wrong with a little variety once in a while."

But once there was silence in the car again, outside of the music that was being played, Dean focused on the road. It would be another day before they'd get to Ohio. Then they could get this little 'lead' over and done with. Then he'd be able to kill some sort of monster or he could check on Castiel and see if he needed help with gathering information from Metatron's angels.

Either way, the mark was thirsting for blood, and Dean was trying his best to hold it together to keep Sam off his back.

You were growing antsy. The burning mark on your arm was more intense than it had ever been before. And somehow, you were sensing that there was another barer of the mark. They hadn't killed in a while and you could almost feel the thirst that person was going through as well.

But you were having enough of it. You had to know who this person was and you were willing to do anything to get to the bottom of it. Because surely this person, this mortal, had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

Needless to say, your little shop was closed for the day and your appointments were cancelled of course. And now, you were in your own cellar beneath your store.

There you had a summoning circle, an iron chair, and there was a demon trapped inside since the devil's trap was engraved into the iron shackles attached to the arms of the chair.

"What do you want with me? We know you killed one of the other demons just for stepping here. If you don't want to be found then why did you summon me?" The demon asked.

"Oh, Sweetie, who said that you were the one in charge of asking questions?" You asked with a chuckle as you moved your rolling table. On top of that table was your, what you liked to call, interrogation utensils.

You stooped down to the demon you had in a bind and you held your blade up to its chin. Now, this was no ordinary blade. Granted it wasn't as legendary as the First Blade, nor was it the demon blade that Ruby used to carry, but it was something similar that killed demons, angels, and monsters alike.

"Now, don't make this easy on me. It's been a while since I've enjoyed a good, slow kill." You smirked and the demon's eyes widened. The rumors were right. You were just as menacing as your father before you.

"But what if I don't know anything?" The demon asked as it regained its composure and attempted to be as unphased by you. You cocked your head to the side and shrugged a little before placing the side of the demon's cheek and watched the steam appear from the vessel's flesh since the blade was previously dipped in Holy Water. The demon hissed and gritted his teeth as if he tried not to scream.

"Well then, I get to have my own kind of fun. It's not like I can let you go now that you know where I am." You said.

"Now. Why is your pathetic king searching for me, hmm?" You asked and the demon's eyes shown black as he glared at you.

"If I'm going to die anyway, I'll never tell you." But then you slashed his cheek, causing him to wince as the wound started to bubble up due to the Holy Water.

"Oh, but I think you will. Now I'll ask you a second time: Why is Crowley looking for me."

"I will not betray the King of Hell."

Your brows narrowed. You had told him not to make it easy, but you needed to know why you were being sought after. You had to know what Crowley already knew incase you needed to go into hiding again.

So, you took your knife and cut off one of the demon's fingers before you dipped the wound in salt. Hearing the cries of the demon was a little annoying but you had to admit, there was finally a soothing feeling in your arm from the mark you were born with. It was finally some sort of release.

"Y-Your mark! He wants to know more about your mark to help a Winchester." The demon said.

You perked up when he finally gave some kind of information. You supposed losing a finger would have that effect on almost anyone.

"So your King that's too good to get his hands dirty is helping a human? Who is this Winchester?" You asked as the demon's head hung low.

You rolled your eyes with annoyance and you lifted the blade to his chin to make him have eye contact with you.

"If you have that much of a problem looking at me, I'll gouge those eyes right out of your skull. Now talk." You said as your eyes started to glow red.

"His name is Dean. Crowley was having trouble with the Knight of Hell, Abaddon. He went to Dean for help and they found your father. Your father gave Cain the Mark and Crowley wants to know more about it to hold the information over the Winchester's head to get what he wants, I assume." The demon spilled.

You lifted a brow as your eyes changed back to their normal color and you stood upright.

So, Crowley wanted some leverage, huh? You supposed that he couldn't exactly find the information he needed from some kind of book outside of the fabled Book of the Damned. No one seemed to know where that book was and that would have at least some kind of information Crowley could be after.

"That's all I know. let me go. I won't tell anyone where you are. Just spare me." The demon pleaded and you looked down at him again.

"Oh, Sweet Cheeks. I can't go around trusting demons not to give away my location. I'm sorry but you're just going to have to suffer." You said.

And with that, you placed your hand on the demon's head and your eyes glowed red once more. Suddenly, the demon started to let out a bloodcurdling scream and his eye sockets were glowing red. Blood started dripping from his eyes and the drops started rolling down his face like tears. Red droplets came out of his pores like sweat before turning into a black ooze.

Yet you looked at the demonic scum without a hint of expression in your eyes. But finally, finally there was a relief from the constant pain in your arm.

Once the demon was finally dead, you looked at the body. That has been the second demon you killed. But at least you got the information you wanted.

"Dean Winchester.." You muttered the name before looking down at the mark on your arm.

It hadn't even been two minutes but the pain was back like you needed to kill yet again. You placed your knife on the table and let your thumb graze over your mark.

"Dean, you don't realize what you've done."

Thank you guys so much for reading! I know I got this out a little later than I would have liked to've published but I had a friend from Germany come and visit me. I am hoping to get Part 3 released soon! Thank you for your continued support! If you would like to be tagged let me know! Wishing all of you the best!!

𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭:

@johannelis2302nely @justtrying2getby-blog @deans-spinster-witch @roseblue373 @alternativeprincess @doctorlexilouwhosblog

[itsclydebitches]

Obviously Nina and Maggie are meant to parallel Crowley and Aziraphale. I don't even need to argue that because Nina outright says it: Crowley is the "hard-bitten one" (like her) and Aziraphale is the "soft one" (like Maggie) who are facing similar relationship stumbling blocks. Just to hammer it home, they're both queer couples with Nina calling Maggie "angel" as a pet name.

I'll come back to that parallel in just a moment. First, I've seen some great meta regarding their justified anger at being paired up for celestial "amusement" and how that reflects the lack of agency humans have in Heaven and Hell's endless attempts to start Armageddon; something that Aziraphale, specifically, may be able to change. (Which, you know, highlights the nuance of this decision. Can he totally fix the broken system from within like he believes? No. Can he, like Gabriel, keep the hosts of Heaven from decimating Earth in the immediate future? Quite possibly.) Nina and Maggie are absolutely right and have every reason to be angry, however, they are missing the context that Crowley and Aziraphale didn't try to pair them up for the hell of it—though it's perfectly understandable why it would come across that way. How are they supposed to learn and understand the intricacies of this plot, especially when Crowley is literally shooing them out the door and telling them to forget everything? Regardless, the audience knows the full story and thus we can see how their subplot mirrors Aziraphale's love for Crowley, beyond the obvious, textual parallel.

Because why is he pairing them up? To keep Crowley safe. Himself too, but the dual nature of that motivation—what helps you automatically helps me and vice versa because we're in this together—just highlights how Aziraphale is approaching the "us" here. He pulled Crowley into the Gabriel debacle because he a) recognized that helping him was the right thing to do and b) knew he needed his partner to succeed. Sure, we could blame Aizraphale for setting it all in motion, but even without knowing that hiding Gabriel was helping to stave off the next Armageddon, Crowley recognizes that Aizraphale was right to help someone, even a someone who told his best friend to shut up and die already. He has a whole (hilarious) apology dance about it. So they're doing this together, as they should. They commit to hiding Gabriel together. They cast the miracle together. They tell lies to their bosses together. All of which ultimately leads to the subterfuge of, "That celestial energy? Just helping two humans fall in love! Oh shit, now we've actually got to accomplish that..." They mess around in Nina and Maggie's lives to try and keep their own loved one safe. Their love is a direct byproduct of Aizraphale and Crowley's.

Of course, they still have every right to be angry about that manipulation, regardless of the fact that it's leading to something they both want and is for the "greater good." However, I think it's crucial that we didn't get a scene that said, "You were wrong to mess around in our lives! ... but we're so glad you did because we're totally in love now and everything's perfect 😊." Maggie and Nina aren't together at the end of the season. They, like Crowley and Aziraphale, care for one another deeply but aren't yet in a place to make that love explicitly romantic. Here, we get a bit of a reversal where the Crowley equivalent—Nina—is the one who needs time and the Aziraphale equivalent—Maggie—is the most verbally devoted, prepared to wait for however long it takes, kinda like how Crowley has waited 6,000+ years.

Nina: I can't start seeing Maggie! When I'm ready, I hope she'll be there, but there isn't any guarantee. Maggie: There is. Nina: You're not helping, angel.

Both Nina and Aziraphale are, at their core, grappling with abuse. For Nina it's the abuse of a romantic partner. For Aziraphale it's the abuse of an institution. The difference is that Nina has gotten out, notably by having her partner dump her. We see throughout the season that Nina cannot let her go, despite knowing that they're bad for each other and despite others telling her as much. She's too deep in the relationship and shows no signs of getting out on her own, even when an objectively better option (Maggie) is right there, begging her to take that step. Nina needed to get dumped in order to achieve that growth. Aziraphale, in VERY sharp contrast, is roped back in by his abusers. Whereas Nina is granted harsh freedom in the form of a key under the mat, Aizraphale is coaxed further into the relationship he likewise isn't prepared to leave, offered what appears on the surface to be a way to fix everything he cares for. Do we think that if Nina's partner had instead texted something optimistic, complimentary, and full of the promise of change that Nina would have listened to her Crowley equivalent here (Maggie) and confidently cut her off? I don't. I think she would have gone straight back to what's familiar, convincing herself that this time will be different. Because that's how abuse works.

From the audience's perspective, Nina and Maggie's conversation is a warning to Crowley, though one he's not yet equipped to understand (as evidence by him doing the opposite of all their advice with Aziraphale). They say, "You powerful beings manipulate us too casually" and Crowley doesn't get how desperate Aziraphale is to fix that as archangel. They say, "I needed to be forcibly freed from my abuser before I could even consider someone I truly love" and Crowley doesn't see how Aziraphale is not just still under his own abuser's thumb, but is getting pulled further in. They say, "Even now that I've seen how much better things can be I'm not ready. It doesn't matter if I love her. It doesn't matter if I'm free. I need time to recover before I can move on to the next step" and Crowley doesn't get that at all, instead kissing Aziraphale rather than continuing to wait like Maggie. That kiss was hard for me to watch because it's abundantly clear how uncomfortable Aziraphale is. He doesn't kiss back. His hands are spasming rather than holding Crowley close. "I forgive you." That's not because he doesn't love Crowley, it's because he's not ready. Nina would have reacted the same way if Maggie had kissed her in the immediate aftermath of escaping her abuse and Aziraphale isn't in the aftermath of his. He's deeper than he's been since the start of the show.

The more I think about it, the more clear it is to me how their relationship and that final conversation was a blueprint for what was about to come. They're in a much better place than Crowley and Aziraphale are. Nina is free of her abuser. No one needed to explain that they had romantic feelings for one another. Crowley, meanwhile, "doesn't understand" until seconds before Aziraphale walks back through the door. No one is trying to keep them apart with the fate of the universe hanging in the background. Yet despite all this, Nina still says, "I'm in no way ready" and Maggie responds, "I understand. I'll wait."

Crowley couldn't wait anymore. Which is understandable and, tragically, is actually part of the solution. One of the things they need to do is talk about what they're "really feeling," so he does that. But unlike Nina, Aizraphale is still in his own abusive relationship and unlike Maggie, Crowley takes the truth too far, kissing him before he was equipped to accept that. Of course the season had to end the way it did. It's not just in character for them both, it validates the OTHER characters functioning as their parallels.

[scintillating-galaxias]

oh my god, i am. actually so pleased and relieved about the way good omens season two handles an adult wlw relationship. just... idk, there's something nice that, even though the whole point of aziraphale and crowley's meddling was a weird, magical, happily ever after for nina and maggie--it wasn't meant to be. not yet. lesbian rambling under the cut . no editing we typo like. lesbians

i feel like it would have felt really hollow and cheap if aziraphale's and crowley's interference paid off and went off without a hitch. it'd feel like... i don't know, the process, the journey, would have been dismissed, and it'd end with nina in particular not understanding why maggie feels the way towards her as she does and maggie missing out on a lot of important milestones while seeing someone. she's known nina for a week. if the Plan worked, the End Result is all that matters, right? which would contradict the show's core message about how wonderful the time and grace to know someone is, (especially as long as crowley and aziraphale have known each other, cough) and how it's necessary to really understand what 'us' means without forsaking 'you.'

that plan was fated (i know, loaded word) to fail. they weren't in love with each other. maggie is in love with nina, sure! but again, she's known her for a week, and nina isn't ready for a relationship and had broken up with a seriously horrible partner not 12 hours before the time the last episode takes place. there is no 'love' to see! aziraphale didn't Make Up love ("miracles don't work like that") and i don't think he would have particularly wanted to even if he could. no wonder they were so baffled and bemused at the strange 'feel happy and lovely and wholesome to your fellows' air he soaked the place in at his ball.

the scene of maggie fetching the milk and other supplies nina needs and being with her at the counter shows that nina can trust her with helping out with the coffee shop (which, yknow, also parallels neatly with aziraphale trusting crowley with his shop), which is obviously something deeply important to her. again and again, she worries about opening, about getting the night-workers their coffee, and refusing to let it go even due to a partner that constantly degraded her and blamed her for their failing relationship. that's a huge opening-up. nina says it herself, she's closed off, but nonetheless, that's a branch she's extending out for maggie! she's willing to do that much, and maggie handles it wonderfully. they both know a relationship would just be too much. nina is still willing to try, despite her hurt, because she can trust maggie to put in the work.

these last thoughts ramble even more than the rest, but i'm glad the last ep left the off where it did. no time skip to go, 'oh they talked and they waited, and it all worked out!' or something, but it ends like... realistically. relationships don't just, happen, without a good deal of talking. look how that worked out for az and crow. acknowledging the need for space (and a good chiding to meddling forces of heaven and hell) but not pushing each other away completely and isolating themselves one another, i think, is a sign that they can do well together. even though maggie knows she is completely head over heels for this women, she doesn't even make a move towards her while they're sitting down with crowley in episode 6. and then they end in their own shops with the space they requested. its respect and trust, and that's the foundation you really need to build before a relationship can start anyway!!

[crowley-the-1-true-king-of-hell]

What I love about Metatron is he doesn't wait for Dean's moment to finish. He just stabbed Dean right away. The moment with the blade music playing and Dean trying to summon it to his hand

Also how is Crowley ignoring Sam's summons? God. Sam blames Crowley for everything. Yikes, like have you met your brother, Sam? Nobody forced Dean to take that mark

Sam also has an inability to put himself in other people's shoes. It is painful to watch the main characters have no empathy

Arthur Ketch may be a psychopath, but he actually has empathy. Arthur didn't hold a grudge against them, because he knew Sam & Dean were soldiers on the opposite side of the war. He didn't see it as unfair that Sam and Dean fought back. He didn't get on a high and mighty horse, being offended by his enemies putting up a fight

Empathy is asking yourself, if someone were trying to kill me, and I tried other tactics to get them to stop, and none of those tactics were working, but maybe the tactic of using their loved ones to get them to stop might work? Would I try that tactic or would I just roll over and let them kill me?

I don't even blame Abaddon for fighting back! Was it her fault she got herself into that mess? Sure. But self-defence is literally a normal reaction. I'm glad she lost, but I don't blame her for trying to kill Dean. Not everything she did was understandable [ the same goes for Crowley ] but some things, like telekinetically putting Dean into a wall were. Like okay yeah you got yourself into this mess but it would be irrational if you just sat there and let yourself get killed

Arthur Ketch understood that, and that's why he told Sam and Dean "we were soldiers on opposite sides of a war"

I love the villains because as Crowley said to Castiel "I know what I am"

I love the villains because they don't take it personally when their opponents use whatever means necessary to try and beat them

The only time Crowley got upset about Sam and Dean trying to cure him and imprisoning him

I wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you two. You shoot me up. You make me a junkie. You keep me stashed away for months while my kingdom falls apart?!

was because he was trying to get out of the dungeon. He was hoping to make them feel pity, so that they would let him sit in the sitting room with them rather than in the dungeon. Obviously it worked

But if Crowley used his demon blood to turn Sam or Dean into a demon. Like if there was a demon equivalent of the demon to human cure? But Crowley wasn't able to finish just like Sam didn't finish? Sam would absolutely rant at Crowley for trying to turn him into a demon. Sam would rant just because he's mad

Crowley only got mad and complained about them injecting him with human blood, because he was trying to get out of the dungeon. He doesn't go around ranting about his enemies fighting him just for the sake of ranting

Sam and Dean were fighting back, by trying to shut the gates, against the demons who are making demon deals to lure people to Hell or just killing and torturing humans just because. Before human blood Crowley was making those deals too, so I get why Sam and Dean were trying to stop that and I also get why Crowley was fighting back against their fighting back

Crowley hated that they were trying to kill and lock him away, but he didn't take it personally, because he understood that if positions were reversed, he would have done the same

When he did rant about it in 9x16, it's not because he was actually *that* upset about it. He just wanted to be out of the dungeon and hoped that complaining would get them to think "ugh fine then you can sit in the sitting room with us 🙄"

The villains or the antagonist are the least likely to be hypocritical

It's why I love them

[emrys-with-a-little-star]

My theory about the ending of Good Omens S2 cause i don't agree with the coffee or the lie theory. I'm not gonna explain why i think they are wrong cause that would take too much time right now but maybe i will later. (I ended up explaining a little but about them in the end)

So i think Aziraphale does actually believe he can change something, Crowley knows nothing can be done and, as he says, both sides are toxic.

Aziraphale thinks Crowley would be happier as an angel because of how happy he was when creating the Nebula. And we never see Crowley smile like that, maybe Aziraphale does over the years but we are never shown that so for the time being i will assume Aziraphale never sees him that happy after he is cast down to hell.

Crowley wants to run away with Aziraphale, never to come back but Aziraphale has so much guilt from doing things differently from heaven's plans and falling for a demon is definitely hard for someone who his whole life has been taught that angels and heaven is good and demons and hell are bad. It's definitely easier for a demon to do some good sometimes than an angel to do anything evil cause why would you ever wanna do the bad thing. But that's exactly what Aziraphale doesn't fully understand yet: the line between those is very blurry and sometimes doing the thing that seems wrong at first is actually the correct thing to do. I'm gonna quote Crowley on this cause he said it perfectly: "When heaven ends life here on earth, it'll be just as dead as if hell ended it." Digging up graves and selling the bodies to be able to continue living, is that so wrong? And when they find out the bodies are to teach future doctors, it's now suddenly good? The line is incredibly blurry between good and evil.

Aziraphale gets told multiple times in the first season how the war is exactly what heaven wants and he doesn't think anything of it, no sudden realization that heaven might not be as good as he has been told his whole life, all he does is just try to explain his idea and keep the war from happening but not once does he blame heaven even though it is straight up made clear to him that heaven wanted the war.

The base of my theory is that the ending of season 1 doesn't get brought up again. We just not gonna talk about the fact that Crowley and Aziraphale, in heaven's and hell's point of view, are basically unkillable? It must be important, and if we now assume that both sides consider those two to be really powerful wouldn't they want them on their side? Metatron knew Crowley wouldn't take the deal, Metatron does not like Crowley, we saw how angrily he looked at him when he and Aziraphale were walking out of the bookshop. But he knew Aziraphale would be over the moon and probably take that deal cause he knows how naive and manipulated Aziraphale is. It came down to two options:

1) Crowley takes the deal and now the unkillable demon is an angel and they have two very powerful individuals on their team. And even if the point isn't the unkillable part, Crowley used to be a high level angel, still very powerful.

2) Crowley leaves, angry at Aziraphale and obviously doesn't go back to hell but Aziraphale does come back to heaven so hell doesn't have their unkillable demon but they have the unkillable angel on their side. They think Aziraphale is incredibly powerful and having him on their team is a huge advantage for the war aka the second coming aka probably the second coming of Armageddon.

Why would they get an angel who is strongly against war to basically lead the war? He would absolutely be against it.

Also emotionally unstable and vulnerable Aziraphale is much easier to control and manipulate which means him leaving Crowley makes it even easier for heaven to get him to be on their side.

Also why would they appoint a traitor who hasn't done anything to convince them that he isn't one to be the new supreme archangel. Why do they suddenly trust him now?

And if Aziraphale and Crowley stayed together, the presumably unkillable angel and demon, on earth or just not on either sides, wouldn't that make them a danger to both hell and heaven cause, as far as both sides know, both of them are very powerful.

Shortly: Heaven wants to use Aziraphale in the war against hell cause they knew Crowley wouldn't go back to hell and that given heaven an advantage, having the, as far as they know, unkillable angel in their team. If Crowley had agreed to become an angel, then they would have also had Crowley which would have given them even bigger of an advantage.

Or they have some other plan with Aziraphale and they just needed him to cut contact with Crowley and come back to heaven and they used this as kind of bait.

Also coffee theory would mean that the kiss was meaningless to Aziraphale and everything he did was because he was under the influence of the miracle. And also everythinf Aziraphale did is exactly in his character and exactly what he would do, there's no way that he would have just left heaven forever and ran away with Crowley, there's been no indication that he doesn't still trust heaven and believe in the "good side".

On the lie theory, Aziraphale is not that good at lying, he doesn't like to lie and he seemed to want to go to heaven too bad for it to be because of a threat. And the way he asks "But... my bookshop?" he isn't asking cause he is worried about the bookshop, he has doupts about leaving, he doesn't want to.

Also very important, Aziraphale doesn't end the kiss, Crowley does. I've seen some people mention that Aziraphale didn't want the kiss but he didn't pull away. Maybe i'll analyze the kiss in a future post, i have too many thoughts on that too.

[edgar-fujioka]

okay so of course i could just write an angry rant at Aziraphale, blame him and say it's all his fault. And of course i'm mad at him like "i forgive you" THE FUCK YOU MEAN I FORGIVE YOU WELL I DON'T FORGIVE *YOU*-

but my point is, it's nobody's fault. As much as i hate it, as easy it would be to blame him, it's not Aziraphale's nor Crowley's fault. The problem is the conflicting priorities, values and motives and well, of course, their communication.

Crowley just wants to be with Aziraphale, he loves him obviously, he even offered him to run away together to Alfa Centauri and when he saw Beelezbub and Gabriel do what he always wanted - he thought that maybe, just maybe, it's now possible for him and Aziraphale as well. He doesn't care about heaven nor hell, he just cares about "their" side - them and only them. He doesn't want to go back to being an angel - he no longer is one for a reason. He doesn't want to go back to hell either. He just wants to be with Aziraphale and that's it. Maybe also keep his Bentley.

While Aziraphale is an idealist. He wants to make a change. He genuinely believes in people being good and archangels being good even though they treat him like trash. He firmly believes he can make heaven a better place, which means he can see it's flaws but he still thinks he can single-handedly fix it. Well, who am I to judge, as an archangel actually maybe he can. We don't know that. But Crowley seems skeptical. And if they kicked out Gabriel just for saying no to a plan... I don't think he has huge chances. But I digress. The point is, he believes it. And it's important to him. He views it as his duty. Sure, there is a place for Crowley in his idealistic version of reality - in heaven, with him, like the old times, everything perfect. But this vision doesn't include how Crowley himself feels about it. And as we established, Crowley doesn't want to go back to heaven.

Actually he kind of does the same thing. He offers Aziraphale running away together, not thinking whether he could do what he wants (making heaven better and performing his duties in general).

So again, they love each other and want each other to be in their lives but also don't really see or understand each other's needs and goals. And there is way too much tension and unsaid emotions between them to sit down and try to talk about it, instead they have to shout at each other and be lost and not understand why the other one doesn't see it the same way. If they had more time, if their feelings for each other weren't being repressed for so long, they could talk it through, take it slower, establish that they love each other and that they're each other's top priority and start building from there. It would at least prevent some miscommunication about each other's priorities, because for us it's painfully obvious but for them, it isn't.

But well, it wasn't the case. So Crowley gives up. He realizes that he proposed Aziraphale a future together, he opened up and was honest about his feelings and he turned him down both of the times. He thinks it's a lost cause, it'll never work out, there is nothing more he can do and he'll be heartbroken and alone forever. So if he never sees Aziraphale again, then he can at least do what he had wanted for millennia. Because sure, it's gonna hurt, but he won't feel the consequences if he'll never see him again. So he kisses Aziraphale. Just to know how it feels, just to remember this moment for eternity, even if every time he remembers it it's gonna hurt like hell itself. Or heaven, for that matter. And the kiss is awful. It's forced, Aziraphale is shocked, hurt, he doesn't know what to do but he doesn't kiss Crowley back. And Crowley kisses him still, to remember what it feels like forever, because it's never gonna happen again. At last he retreats, knowing that whatever reaction he might get, it probably can't be worse already.

And then Aziraphale says "I forgive you". He looks almost betrayed, scared, aching. We don't know if he wanted it. He probably did. But surely not under such circumstances. And the mix of guilt, righteousness, fear, regret and somewhere there the desire to kiss him back and never let go make him so confused and lost that he doesn't know how to react. But in the end the betrayal of trust that a forced kiss is, probably also a destroyed another one of his perfect visions of their first kiss but also the good in his heart that doesn't allow him to be properly mad at Crowley make him say only the simple "I forgive you".

Which for him is probably a positive message. But for Crowley it's acknowledging that he did something wrong. That he had hurt his Angel. And he can't bear the thought. For him it's a point of no return. So he leaves.

Aziraphale stands there, still in shock but he doesn't have the time to process, because Mettatron comes back with his offer. He agrees because really, what else is there to do? At least it will keep his mind busy. That's how he copes. After their little argument back in the 19th century I believe, he was learning how to dance with a bunch of kind gentlemen that made him forget. At least for a moment. How did Crowley deal with it? We don't know. Probably not the best. We've seen how he reacted when he thought Aziraphale was dead, in the burning bookshop. It didn't go well. And I doubt it will this time. To sum it up, it's terrible. It's awful. I hate it. So Neil... We better have a season three full of fluff. But honestly, I don't know how they could possibly fix this. If you're reading this far, congratulations and thank you, I'll go back to crying now.

[tonydaddingham]

LWA here: I don't take the lockdown video as canon, as it's just too obviously a PSA. I do think there's more to be said about Crowley refusing to hear Chekhov's gun going off in the aftermath of S1, although that may be because I've now back-buttoned out of far too many supposed "fix-fics" in which Aziraphale has to abase himself before his much-abused demon. (Folks, they are equally to blame to the miscommunication pileup at the end! The yin/yang, single-character-split-in-half thing always manifests itself by them simultaneously botching things in their relationship! We are shown and told this explicitly! WTH?!) This is my own sequel to endlessly back-buttoning out of fics for S1.

I guess I'm one of the three or so people on the planet who got to the end of S1 and said, wait, there were two unambiguous betrayals during the course of this season, both related to trust issues, and unless they're discussed and resolved you cannot extrapolate a successful relationship out of this ending. Aziraphale betrays Crowley's faith that their friendship is different by not telling him about the Antichrist; Crowley betrays Aziraphale by manipulating him like /everyone else manipulates him/ by tempting him to kill first Warlock, then Adam. And there was a start to acknowledging the first during the bar scene, but there is no sign in the script that Crowley apologizes, mentions what he did, or even feels badly about it.* Fan attempts to excuse the manipulation usually repeat Crowley's own justification for the act at the park bench, but the script, via Madame Tracy, insists that "you can't kill kids" is a moral absolute. Crowley, and Aziraphale for going along with him, are in the wrong, end-stop. That was just such a massive stickle-burr for me in terms of conceptualizing how Crowley actually sees his own power in relation to Aziraphale's, and this season concretized that they are both suffering from trauma-related superiority complexes that they act out in ways that deny each other agency (Crowley by concealing information from Aziraphale about Heaven & Gabriel, then attempting to demon-handle him back into damsel-in-distress mode; Aziraphale by still being stuck in binary thinking patterns and offering Crowley a redemption plot he doesn't want).

*--I've seen exactly one analysis-in-fic-form that refuses to let Crowley off the hook, "Auguries of Innocence" (https://rainjoyswriting.dreamwidth.org/241857.html#cutid1), written by someone with experience teaching ethics. I think the author makes Crowley much too self-aware about what he did, but her conclusions about why he might be unable to bring himself to apologize are pretty plausible.

sliding this under a cut:

awesome, that's what i was kind of hoping someone would agree with me on (re: lockdown), mainly because from the feeling of the plot in s2 (plus the contextual characterisation already discussed about aziraphale's ability, vs surrender of his will, to protect himself/crowley's compulsion to overprotect), it felt rather extraneous of the canon narrative in retrospect. it felt like a fun, quirky PSA in isolation, but i didnt want to automatically discount it as not having its place in the story either if it indeed had one! so, im glad someone else was thinking what my gut was saying - that it is likely to be the former.

i get that many people are hungry for some kind of comfort following s2's ending (completely understandable), but i can't currently bring myself to read any fanfiction that follows the events of s2 because of this exact reason you've mentioned. frankly, i personally find it a little too uncomfortable that the resolution seen so far - in general terms, there are well-written exceptions - is for aziraphale to metaphorically prostrate and punish himself for the whole breakup, especially when i personally felt pretty much since ten minutes after finishing ep6 that there was more to it than aziraphale seemingly wanting to change crowley "into the angel he wants him to be", and rejecting him when he wouldn't. it's way more nuanced and complex than that. and every time i rewatch that scene, it feels so obvious that they are speaking words that on the surface fit together in terms of dialogue, but they are saying completely different things.

i love a misunderstanding-leads-to-angst trope, it's one of my favourites, and the way the dialogue was written in this scene to have so many interweaving and contradicting layers and meanings was a profound and immersive depiction of this. ultimately my end impression (until a point we get an actual Conversation in s3 that discusses these exact points) of the scene is that:

- aziraphale will always think he should and could do better and be better, even at the risk of sacrificing everything including crowley, and do so with only the greater good in mind... no matter if the greater good doesn't truly exist in the way he hopes or expects it to (and therefore is completely immaterial), and:

- crowley will always continue to keep and bury aziraphale in his own rage and pain, drawing him back in whenever aziraphale shifts to step outside of it, and do so because it's a constancy that has thus far worked in giving him purpose and a sense of being wanted.

there's way more to it than that, but those were the immediate first impressions i got. they may love each other endlessly, beyond understanding, and that's wonderful; but love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship of any kind. there has to be trust, yes, but also mutual respect, support for each others' true wants and needs, and a sense of wholly knowing yourself (even the things you wish you could change, or you dislike) so you know what you are giving to the other person. my perspective on being in a partnership is that your heart is no longer just your own, it becomes the other person's too - if not more - and you have to be someone that can be entrusted with it. neither of the characters give me the impression of having really learnt this yet, and have demonstrated on multiple occasions, including the ones you mentioned, that they haven't.

having a read of what you linked, this is exactly along the lines of why i think crowley doesn't want to recognise, or cant recognise, what he did in tempting aziraphale and manipulating him on the occasions that he did... because what would happen if he did accept it? and opened up the pandora's box that is bringing aziraphale's attention to it? how would aziraphale ever see crowley the same way again? id love to say it was the same lines along which i was thinking when i wrote the below re: saviour complex, but is far more insightful and eloquently put:

and also here, when talking in response to another ask of yours about I Forgive You:

essentially: that if aziraphale were to know why crowley does what he does, did what he did, if aziraphale received an explanation and a genuine apology for it, would crowley only be met with benevolence? or would he be genuinely forgiven in a way that is actually meaningful to him because it comes from aziraphale the person, not the angel? the latter would be too much to bear, i think. the irony however is that in not giving his shortcomings air, taking them out of the locked box he's crafted to hide them, he's occasioning further opportunity for misunderstanding between them.

trauma in whatever form is not a valid excuse to project that trauma onto someone else. it can be empathised with, but not excused. again, as always, at the risk of human-ifying two supernatural beings, it is entirely human to fuck up and do so, it's going to happen - that you hurt someone you love by keeping them in your pain. but it can't keep happening in a never-ending cycle, and has to have a breaking point that all parties actively learn from. this ground, them acknowledging having any feelings for each other, is brand new for them to tread on, but when it comes hand-in-hand with having millennia full of trauma, shame and pain, they also need to tread very carefully.

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

Arthur has been a bartender for a long time. He is used to being a good listener; it's part of the job. But no one prepared him for having to so for his two boyfriends who are terrible at communicating and take everything personally. And okay, maybe he shouldn't have hinted to Crowley about Aziraphale's background? But he asked so nicely!

Arthur, my boy, I am so sorry.

Warning: arguments, references to a fight (both of Crowley and Aziraphale are at fault for this because they're idiots)

On with the fic!

--

Arthur had known from the moment that he had accidentally revealed a bit of Aziraphale's past that it would come back to bite him. There would be problems, especially considering that Crowley was always asking questions and was too curious for his own good.

He obviously would dig into this, finding all the bread crumbs, and realize the truth about their other romantic partner.

He would find out that Aziraphale wasn't always an android, that he had once been a real human over fifty years ago.

Of course, Crowley came storming in, confronting Aziraphale about this, and the aftermath of that had been... bad. Very bad. Aziraphale had locked himself away in his office, the club was closed for a few days due to the damages caused by the fighting, and Crowley was rightfully angry.

And Arthur had gotten his own fair share of anger directed at him from Aziraphale, and rightfully so, he knew he shouldn't have said anything, but he honestly hadn't known! He had thought Aziraphale had finally told Crowley the truth, considering how opened he had been lately with the cyborg!

No one could blame Arthur for being left out of the damn loop.

Still, he was tired of this new behavior from them. Aziraphale losing himself to his books and work, Crowley simmering and wallowing in his own anger and angst.

Frankly, Arthur had finally reached his breaking point and he forced the two of them to come to his bar for a discussion.

He set down two drinks in front of them after they arrived, both sitting with a bar stool between them, neither looking the other in the eye. Arthur didn't speak as he set the drinks on the counter, instead watching his boyfriends.

Aziraphale looked exhausted, for an android, his LEDs were dimmer, his perfectly posture a bit less perfect, and even his immaculate hair was a little off. His tentacles were out, and while not thrashing about as they had been days ago, there was still a clear tension in them, a need to strike.

Crowley looked like a mess, his clothes were clearly just things he threw on, his hair a mess. His shades were off and he had dark circles under his eyes, he also seemed to have forgotten to shave for the past few days.

They both were glaring at the drinks, it was rather interesting watching them each lift them up and take long drinks at the same time. Arthur had to wonder if they even noticed the similar actions the other did.

"Right, gentlemen." Arthur spoke, folding his hands on the counter top. "We need to have a discussion."

"Don't wanna." Crowley grumbled.

"Too bad, it needs to be spoken about." Arthur frowned and Crowley bowed his head, looking a bit ashamed. "Right. Now, I understand that I made the mistake of accidentally starting this whole downfall in our relationship. I'll be honest, I had no idea that you had yet to explain to Crowley your past, Aziraphale."

"He had no right to know." Aziraphale growled. "At least... not right now."

"But he would have to learn of it at some point. It's not something you can just hide from him forever."

"His life span is shorter than ours, he would never have to know."

"He," Crowley snipped, "is right fuckin' here, thank you very much." He yelped when he was pushed at by the clawed end of one of the metal appendages.

Arthur sighed loudly, one of his fingers loudly tapping at the counter. "Crowley, Aziraphale. Stop. I want to talk about your behavior from the other day. Clearly, it was a mistake to bring up that little fact. I should have known better, considering your overly curious nature, Crowley. It was only natural you'd want to know what I meant, and in doing so, we broke Aziraphale's trust."

Aziraphale slammed a hand down on the counter. "You're damn right you did! Arthur, you know I don't like talking about my former humanity! I wasn't ready for Crowley to know about the original Aziraphale!"

"But I would have learned at some point!" Crowley snapped. "I would have eventually dug through the files!"

"You had no right to do that!"

"Me wanting to is the whole reason I'm even here in the first place!"

"And at this point, do you even want to be here anymore!?"

"Probably not, with how you tried to throw me across the room!"

"I only did that because you threw something at-!"

There was a loud shattering down and the two turned, surprised to find that Arthur had smashed a glass in his hand. He hadn't even realized he grabbed one in his growing anger at their arguing. He looked at his hand, where the synthetic skin had torn and he watched as a black, metallic hand gently took his own.

"Shit, shit, shit." Crowley hissed under his breath, looking at the damage. "Arthur, I'm so sorry, I..."

"It's alright." Arthur tried to smile, wincing as the tiny, sharp tips of a claw carefully extracted a shard of glass from the palm of his hand.

"No, it's not alright." Aziraphale sighed. "We keep getting off track."

"Yes, clearly." Arthur sighed, letting them try to clean the glass from his hand. "But I brought you two here to try and figure out how to fix this. I am very happy with you two being in my lives as you are, and I know you two care about one another, despite how often you try to deny it. Do not think for a second that I haven't heard the little words of affection between you two when you think I'm not listening."

They both looked rather embarrassed about that, but Arthur continued on. "You both are in the right for your feelings over the matter at hand, but you're both in the wrong as well. If you had only just talked instead of turning it into such a brash display as you had done, you both wouldn't be suffocating from your own misery."

He pulled his hand back, flexing his fingers. "I have been a bartender for nearly ninety years at this point, I have listened to many couples argue over ridiculous and serious matters in that time. I have seen my fair share of fights, and have done my best to help with kind words and a listening ear. However, I have never had to been in the position of watching it happen between the two men that I love.

And I would really like to not continue seeing that. You two love one another, I know you do. And I only ask that you talk about this. Aziraphale, there is nothing wrong with talking to Crowley about your past, you both suffered a tragic event that led to you being less human than you were before, he understands. And Crowley, Aziraphale was in the right of not talking about it because he wasn't ready, you didn't have to take such offense to him hiding that from you."

Aziraphale's extra arms lowered themselves, his shoulders sagging as he nodded. Crowley sighed, frowning as he toyed with the sleeves of his hoodie.

"You're right." The redhead spoke. "Fuck, you're always right. We're both geniuses, but you're the one with the functioning brain cells outta the three of us. We both... we both overreacted, badly."

"Clearly." Arthur glanced at the gash that was still in the ceiling.

"It's not a topic I like talking about." Aziraphale muttered.

"I know, but if you care about Crowley as much as I know you do, then he has the right to know."

The two men before Arthur looked at one another and Crowley swallowed. "We're gonna have to discuss this like adults."

"I suppose we do." Aziraphale nodded. "I can't promise I won't be emotional."

"I already know that you are, it's fine."

"Shall we take this to my office?"

"I'd... I'd rather do it out here, with Arthur, if ya don't mind."

Aziraphale considered this, nodded one more, and turned back to Arthur. "Let's get you patched up first, then we'll talk about this, the correct way."

Arthur smiled. "I'll get the repair kit then, gentlemen."

--

Crowley doesn't blame Arthur for slipping up, he doesn't think Arthur deserves to be at fault, even though the bartender feels guilty about it. Aziraphale feels betrayed, but that's understandable, it's a very dangerous secret, he doesn't want anyone to know who he used to be.

[raincamp]

7 - 29 - 23

i was too distracted by good omens 2 yesterday to write anything haha, a good thing though, because it meant that i was distracted from the emotions im experiencing in real life. i instead spent all of yesterday in mourning with crowley. i feel like he and i are going through similar issues right now, it was nice to feel like i had someone (fictional) who understood, and also had somewhere (fictional) to put all my feelings.

he is so BPD coded — i can't even begin to talk about it

anyway, today i spent most of my time with my best friend (M) who i think i have yet to mention here? she's kind of a FP— or she used to be— or, i honestly don't know at this point. since i figured out my therapist is a FP of mine, it feels like maybe M has become less of one? or maybe it just feels like that in comparison. its all so confusing sometimes to put labels on things. but i think whats important is that i have an attachment to her that is sometimes on the unhealthy side, but our relationship remains stable because we both put in the work to make it that way despite my unhealthy attachment.

we went to a cafe and i talked a lot about therapy, which was nice, she's a psychology major so she loves hearing about me and my disorder and my therapy, and she's also really insightful about relationships so she had a lot to add, it was kind of reassuring, but i did also accidentally trigger myself and started talking some very obvious BPD-cognitive-distortion-bullshit about my therapist which was kind of humiliating. she was understanding though— immediately called me out on it. and then suggested we do something else because she could tell it was distressing me.

i fear that i might start becoming emotionally dependent on her again now that my therapist has cut me off. i dont think it would be too bad, because of the stability of our relationship, however i do have feelings about that potential situation, because i dont particularly enjoy being dependent on anybody. it makes me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, and kind of frustrated because i can't seem to just be independent. the concept seems to be totally foreign to me.

i was going to try to hang out with another of my friends today too, but she didnt answer my 15 phone calls, and i kind of split on her too :') im having a rough time right now. idk why im getting so easily triggered all of a sudden.

maybe i just have more emotional vulnerability now? hm. its difficult figuring this kind of stuff out without her, my therapist, i miss her. i need her.

everything just feels kind of empty and hollow without my therapist in my life. like. i know im technically only missing seeing her for 2 days, but theres weeks in between those two days, and those weeks start to feel like years when it's somebody im so dependent on. so i feel like i've lost so much.

M was talking about how its possible my therapist withdrew partly because of how attached i was becoming, and i dont even want to consider that a possibility right now, but i cant stop thinking about it. i dont have control over how attached i become to people, and if thats whats causing her to be so cold towards me— which has been causing me SO much pain— then im gonna be,, idk i'm having a hard time identifying my feelings today. but its essentially telling me that i should be able to stop something i don't have control over in order to have the support that i need. I don't think thats fair.

thats the message im getting from this whole situation anyway though, since it all comes back to an addiction, which I don't have control over.

maybe i just dont deserve mental health support and treatment, i feel like thats just the overall message the universe is trying to convey to me right now. idk what i did to deserve it, but i obviously did something, so ig i should just accept the punishment. nothing i can do about it now.

if my therapist were here she'd call me out on blaming the universe like she always does. but shes not here so she can get fucked. ill stay being delusional if it makes me feel better.

im dissociated as fuck today

- andrew

[pianostarinwonderland]

Name one thing you dislike about each dorm leader, I’m curious 👀

Anon, I'm bemused that you would ask this because frankly, my opinions are a bit harsh when it comes to this. 🤡It's an interesting question nonetheless, so I'll answer this.

However, I will put this under a read more because of multiple reasons. Vil's part does toe on religion, particularly Catholicism, so don't say I didn't warn you. If you're also sensitive to hearing negative opinions on your favorite character(s), please scroll past this as well or at least scroll past the part about your favorite(s). Furthermore, Riddle's part will contain manga spoilers and Kalim's part will contain the current event spoilers, so I suggest to proceed with caution or scroll past if you don't wish to be spoiled.

Riddle Rosehearts

Initially, I never had much qualms about Riddle. Of course, his way of ruling isn't exactly the best, but he makes up for it by being an excellent student who's willing to help others who struggle with their studies.

However, when the manga came out, that's when I felt anger at Riddle.

What happens in the manga is that Ace and Deuce do go to the Dwarf Mines to find the magic gem to fix the chandelier that they broke, basically like how the prologue went. Meanwhile, Crowley summons Riddle into his office to inform him of the chandelier fiasco and that Ace and Deuce are doing their punishment, which sets off the dorm leader's anger.

While Ace and Deuce are trying to get the magic gem and fighting off the OB Monster that still got up despite their well-coordinated attack, Riddle comes in and deals with the monster. The reason for his (and Trey & Cater's) sudden arrival is because Ace and Deuce disobeyed a Heartslabyul rule.

This part here set me off because in the game, it was established that while Riddle was particular with the Laws of the Queen of Hearts, it was also established that he deeply respects the rules of the school and general conduct. You'd think that Riddle would leave Ace and Deuce alone to carry out their punishment for causing property damage, which should be not only be part of a rule of the school but also general conduct.

But in the manga, he did not care about the fact that Ace and Deuce were doing what the Headmaster told them to do. He punished them and brought them back to Heartslabyul, even though they're going to be expelled anyway if they don't return with the magic gem.

I understand that this is the main flaw that Riddle has in this arc, and it's meant to be shown that this is horrible behavior because this is a story about villains after all. But nevertheless, it angered me how Riddle had blatant disregard for the fact that Ace and Deuce had to disobey a Heartslabyul rule that they never even knew about because it's their first day in school because they had to do something that someone of higher authority told them to do. Furthermore, Riddle was informed already about this.

Obviously, Riddle's tyranny is something that's not the most appealing, but the fact that he disregards any context about the situation that caused the "guilty party" to break the rules is something I do not like about him. I'm just glad that (in the game at least), he does learn how to manage that.

Leona Kingscholar

I think I mentioned this a few times because I did mention that Leona is my least favorite character. Over time, my feelings in regards to him have softened because it's fun to watch him roast and get roasted back. Plus, as a theorist and a writer, I find that his character is so fun to explore.

The thing with Leona is that I dislike that he's an asshole but a lazy one at that. He'd insult or blame others, but he himself lives such a slothful life. It makes me feel like he's not qualified to say such rude comments. In fairness, he's one of the most intelligent characters in the game, so I suppose he's qualified to make some comments? But if he's going to comment on something like people not listening in class, that's where it gets annoying because this guy skips class and repeated a year twice. Even Lilia pointed this out in chapter 2.

Another thing I find frustrating is that he wastes his potential, but in all honesty, I can't blame him. In fact, a good part of this frustration is also anger at myself because I do see that kind of behavior in myself. I know that I can do more than what I can do, but I have no motivation to do it. It doesn't help that I've said my own fair share of arrogant comments that can come off as mean, so really, who am I to judge him? Nevertheless, however, that sort of thing turns me off from Leona.

Azul Ashengrotto

Okay, I'm not going to lie, a part of me feels like anon asked this question just to know if there's anything about Azul that I dislike. Some of my friends are also curious to know about this too, so here's my answer.

Not going to lie, I'd love to answer something like "he didn't come to me in gacha and made me spend so much for him" or "he's too perfect, that's what I don't like about him", but a) I want to be fair, and b) if I set aside my bias for him, there is something about Azul's character that I don't like.

Funnily enough, the things that I don't like about Leona are things that I really like about Azul, and I'm mentioning this because I normally stray away from rude characters. Azul does have a rude undertone in his language, but I'd say it's more haughty and condescending. The difference between him and Leona, however, is that I feel like Azul is more qualified to roast people? He works hard to get to where he is – and he's still working hard until now – and because of that hard work, he has high grades and a successful business. I wouldn't condone that rudeness, but if he does poke at people's incompetence or intelligence, it seems more justified.

No, what I dislike most about Azul is that he's not an honest person. I deeply value honesty, so when Azul does lie about things, it personally irks me because I just want to not have to do a lot of digging just to know if someone is honest with their words. What makes this even worse is that Azul is horribly good at lying. God knows how many times I got bamboozled because of his words. 🤡

This is especially both hilarious and frustrating when I make theories about him. Every time I try to think of some theory about him, there's always that inner voice in my head that goes, "But what if he's not being completely honest?" and I feel like I got myself into some 4D chess game.

Let's take chapter 4–30 for example. When Jamil wanted to use his It's A Deal to gather people's secrets again, Azul answered that he remembers all the secrets of those who signed his contracts, including Crowley's. And I'd love to think that what he's saying is legit, but what if he's also bluffing to make Jamil reveal more of his true intentions? Azul was conscious during the hypnosis, since he was trying to let it control him enough that his eyes will turn red but also not enough that he can still use Bind the Heart against it. He even remembers the comment Jamil said to him about him underestimating Jamil (and even says it back to him).

This dislike is most prominent when I try to think of theories about him or dissect his character, but it does go against my personal values as well. Aside from that, I still stan him because I am a clown.

Kalim Al-Asim

Not going to lie, this is kind of hard as well because Kalim is genuinely a nice person, and everyone believes he's such a ray of sunshine. But okay, I have to go out and say that there is something that does annoy me a bit.

Mostly, what irks me about Kalim is his disregard for Jamil's feelings. It amazes me how he believes Jamil could just prepare a banquet in less than 3 days so often. Really, I appreciate that he wants to help Jamil, but he could at least do that by not making Jamil do things that are nearly impossible to do. For example, the frequent banquets and parties aren't necessary. Even in the current event, Jamil is already expressing how he can't look out for 6 more people, but Kalim ignores that and invites MC, Grim, Cater, Trey, and Malleus to the fireworks festival. It's probably the rich person mentality, but nonetheless, I wish Kalim had more consideration for Jamil.

I may also be projecting because my family likes making me do things for them when they don't want to, so I kind of know how Jamil feels. 😂

Aside from that, though, I don't really have much problems with Kalim. He's still kind, maybe a bit callous with his word choice, and he's evidently maturing in the main story.

Vil Schoenheit

Alright... this one is going to be a bit controversial as this may go into my experiences as a Catholic growing up. Before I go into this, I want to put a disclaimer that not all Catholics are mean or whatever, but rather, these are my experiences growing up.

Vil is in my top 5, alright. He isn't a total asshole like other students in the school, and in fact, he's a pretty honest guy. His hard work is really admirable, and his principles are noble. Throughout the hype of chapter 5, I had defended his actions because it is understandable that the industry that he's in is pretty harsh, hence his behavior. Despite that, however, there is one part in chapter 5 that angered me the most in the story.

In chapter 5, Vil often scolds Epel for not understanding that cuteness and strength have their equal levels of power and that there's no such thing as gender in dance and performance. And okay, Vil is right. He does need to correct Epel's frankly toxic views on masculinity because being cute isn't any worse than being strong nor is dance supposed to be gender-assigned.

What makes me angry about this is that he imparts this knowledge in a way that is oppressive. He just tells Epel to do what he is told to do or think what he should think without really giving a reason why or a good way to understand those ideologies. I acknowledge that Epel was not only rude to him on the first day of school, he also picked a fight– Vil's actions of putting him in place are justified. And I also acknowledge that sometimes, you may need to push those kinds of ideas onto someone for their betterment.

But in this case, Vil never really tried to understand Epel's side of things? He tells him this and that or to do this and that without really letting Epel understand why, nor did he ever try to understand where Epel is coming from and why he has that sort of mindset on gender. Which, well, he thankfully does later on.

The part that makes me the maddest is that Vil goes as far as to say things like, "If you don't understand this, then how can you beat Neige?" It makes it blatantly obvious that he's thrusting all his stress and frustrations onto Epel just so he can have a chance of beating his long-standing rival. I understand that he is that frustrated about always being in Neige's shadow and that he may as well do anything just to get the spotlight he wants, but nevertheless, it rubs me the wrong way that he made Epel enter a competition that he never volunteered for and then use him as a way of beating Neige.

As to why this connects with Catholicism, it's the kind of behavior I've witnessed growing up, from my schooling to my own home. I remember being told to quit Pokemon, a game that I loved, just because it's called "Pocket Monsters" in Japan and it sounds like something from the Devil. I remember being told that abortion is bad just because it goes against God's teachings or that the LGBT+ is bad for the same reason. And I've seen how other Catholics would push these ideologies onto others in such a way that it makes people seem like the bad guy for opposing them. It's why this sort of thing with Vil angers me. I've seen this behavior many times, and it really sucks.

Idia Shroud

Okay, I also mentioned not liking Idia more than once on this blog, but my feelings have softened over time, especially knowing that he is a mood.

Still, I also don't like his rudeness because he says things that he has no courage to say in front of people's faces. This is seen in his robe story, where Riddle tells him to go out and help with the entrance ceremony. Idia criticizes him just because the door is closed, which means he doesn't have to see Riddle's face. I'm not saying I'm a saint because believe me, I have said my own things about others behind their backs (really, who hasn't, even if it's just a vent?), but if Idia's always going to be like that, I'm turned off by it.

Well, he did criticize people in Ghost Marriage because there was a part where he criticizes everyone for failing to set him free. It actually made me angry at him because man, they're trying, and Eliza is intentionally finding a way to reject all of them. And it doesn't help that he ends up begging for help again to the people he just got angry at. 💀

Malleus Draconia

Okay, I've mentioned that I dislike Malleus also, but his case is special. It's less that he did something that caused me to be angry at him, but more of the fandom ruined my perception of him.

To start things off, Malleus personally never really intrigued me from the start. His character is interesting to explore, I'll give you that, but I guess because of the lack of lore that we have on him right now, there's nothing much about him that I particularly like.

But as time went on, I began to grow really weary of Malleus because people always insisted that Malleus and Yuu are meant to be an endgame ship or that they're canon, when there's more indication that romance can't happen between the two of them. As a ship, I don't mind it, but when people go to the point of saying they were canon (and not jokingly, by the way), it really made me dislike not only the ship but Malleus as well.

This kind of hatred really soured myself, so much so that I have made people uncomfortable with my dislike towards Malleus and the ship. I'm still working on fixing this so that I don't hurt people anymore, and my opinion on Malleus has softened too, but even so, I can't really look at Malleus the same way anymore. Until chapter 7 comes, my opinion on Malleus may be more or less stagnant.

Final Thoughts

In the end, these are only part of my opinions on the characters. Even if I do have my least favorites, I can't say now that I hate anybody in Twst. Everyone is really interesting in their own way because there's so much depth to each and every character. They have flaws, but that's a part of being a person, and I like that these flaws are presented in such a way that they can also be turned to strengths.

[luxshine]

Cis straight guy watching supernatural UPDATE!!!

So, he reached season 15. In EIGHT MONTHS! I think he kind of deserves an award for speedrunning the series.

His EXACT TEXT when he got to 15x01 "WHAT THE HELL?! Why is Chuck the bad guy now?! What, they are going to make him, the Empty, Billie -even if I liked the old Death better- and Jack merge?! This is stupid and I am ONLY going to keep watching because I watched 14 seasons but I should've jumped off the train long ago"

I didn't point out that he tired to, but I lured him back with the promise of redheads.

He is VERY angry at Jack for killing Mary. Like, Dean levels of Mad. He literally asked me four times why the brothers didn't kill Jack and when I replied "because it was an accident, Jack is three years old, and Cas won't let Dean kill him" he replied that Cas should understand Dean's feelings better.

He also said that Jack is an idiot and that he obviously got that "From his third dad, Sam" and that idiocy is "vessel-transmitted".

Has warmed up to Rowena A LOT (he was actually thrilled that Ruth and Rob are dating now, and not even starting season 15 has made that happiness go away)

So... while he STILL claims he doesn't ship Destiel, he agrees that JAck is Dean, Cas and Sam's son, while Claire is just Dean and Cas's and went from a guy who LITERALLY said that there was no need for any "superhero all girl teams" and that "complaining about fridging is exaggerating" to rant for three hours (I counted) about Mary getting fridged TWICE, about SPN treatment of females, about how Eileen is so important because showing a deaf-huntress who uses ASL is great for representation. From "Just mentioning that Constantine is Bi should be enough, we don't need to see his boyfriends or more gay characters in non-Vertigo comics" to "yeah, Dean is totally Bi and Crowley was his boyfriend and why don't they do more with that" and "I can't blame anyone from shipping Destiel, since I don't but obviously the writers do and it's cool Dean is bi and Claire is gay and Charlie is perfection and killing her was a hate crime".

In EIGHT MONTHS.

Can anyone else see the sheer irony of SUPERNATURAL of all shows to be the one who turned my Guy Gardner into... well, a far more sensible and nice Guy Gardner?

[dalliancekay]

I think no one else but Nina and Maggie know that the evening involved demons etc - I think all other humans simply have a vague memory of Az providing an eccentric evening in place of the usual boring meeting, but not much else.

I've seen a theory that Maggie, whose shop is run by at least 3 generations of her family always 'knew' Aziraphale wasn't exactly a human. But he was always kind and generous so the family didn't pry and kept his secret.

I think she only finds out he's a literal angel the evening of the Ball. I am not sure if she realises that Crowley is a demon (I think not since not even Muriel did).

And yes, I was very surprised they didn't freak out more over that knowledge... but I do object to you calling Azi's miracles 'control'. I think he simply wanted them not to notice things, something Crowley and he probably do so often they barely think about it and as NG once mentioned, Az was frazzled (no spoons left) and where normally a slight suggestion would work, Maggie and Nina were too aware of things being 'weird' for it to stick and saw more than he would have exactly liked at first. I am not excusing his behaviour, but I also don't think he realised it was wrong. He simply wanted to keep everyone safe and happy.

Aziraphale stops trying to hide after that and answers their questions even though Nina looks at him like hew grew two extra heads (who can blame her). As to your question on how they dealt with that after... Well for one, they spent the rest of the Night with Azi in his bookshop while Crowley was missing and the demons were all gone (all but Shax, being out on the sofa). If the fight happened around 8 or 9pm, it could not have lasted longer than 2 hours or something and they stay with Aziraphale until morning.

I expect they had questions... I'd love to see (and hear) what they talked about. And they also seem to have come to an understanding about Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship and decided they wanted to help. The fact that God literally exists in GO universe is fascinating and I would love to know more about the attitude to faith of a random person... Having said, obviously I am aware that there are people who'd read this and also have certainty that there is a God on our universe too.

So Aziraphale is in Heaven, Crowley is unspecified. The humans from S1 have vague fuzzies, Most of the humans from S2 have the same. But we know that Nina at least and possibly Maggie as well (not convinced one way or another on Maggie's humanity) have at least some more distinct memories of the situations they experienced. I'm basing that on Nina being aware of the party behavior of the shopkeepers. The control doesn't seem as strong with her.

Anyway, if Nina (& Maggie?) have more distinct memories of what went down, I'm wondering about their current existential crisis. Every story I've read so far seems to gloss over their acceptance of the situation with their personalities, but I'm guessing they wouldn't be the first humans (by a long shot) that our beings have revealed themselves to and left aware (at least in part) of their true natures and what that would mean for humanity. Confirmation of a Christian eternity, but oh wait, heaven's not great and hell is exactly as described. So eternal torment is a certainty in one form or another. Not to mention, bringing another element to the predestination vs. free will debate we already see in Aziraphale and Crowley.

It would be interesting to see a theological debate or simply a discourse on how (if it were real and as depicted in GO) that particular brand of knowledge would affect a living human, or two. I've seen a few where Nina does freak out but I'm curious that if neither Aziraphale or Crowley is there to answer any questions, what would that mental tornado look like? If Maggie does remember more clearly, like I believe Nina does, what would that do to their relationship? There are obviously multiple scenario possibilities. I've just not seen that being explored. Possibly because Aziraphale and Crowley are already written to be so human like that we are still playing with that, but there are some really interesting deep dives to be done with some other characters.

This just came to me, but the possibility of Mr. Brown (an admittedly very apt name) finding out he has a pash on an actual angel. And then a later reveal of Crowley's true nature. His reactions would be well worth the read.

If these fics are out there and I'm just not aware of them, please please comment fic recs!

[sara78]

Thank you, Supernatural

I don't think a simple thank you can cover everything these boys have done for me, for many of us out there.

For lots of people, supernatural is just a show.

But for me and for lots of other people it means many more.

Let's be honest, this year sucked.

2020 for me started empty. I would wake up every morning with emptiness in me, because one person I really looked up to and loved with all my heart, my grandpa, suddenly died in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything but watch. Even though everybody thought I bounced back from that really fast and adapted to it, it was just my very well built mask. I didn't want them to know. That maybe wasn't the right thing to do, since I for sure wasn't the only one mourning, but I just got used to throwing out masks and smiles whenever it was a bad day because they usually wouldn't understand why am I upset and would tell me to stop being a crybaby.

The fact that I lost my grandpa who was my father figure, who raised me up and was the only one who ever supported me and had my back, tore me apart. I was aware I will never go and spend summer breaks in village with him, I will never be able to watch "Only fools and horses" with him on TV.

It just couldn't settle.

And then, the Corona virus happened.

Let me be honest, school and certain people in it helped me with mourning. A lot. Being able to focus on schoolwork, studying, projects, it took my mind of for a brief time. But then, we were all of a sudden closed in our houses because of this whole situation and I didn't thought it was going to be this painful for me.

I was always thinking "Meh, I rarely went out anyways, I got used to being home" but the fact that I was back in the apartment where my grandpa died, and the fact that I woke up every morning and went to the living room to see an empty bed and a turned off TV, instead of him sitting there, reading the newspaper while waiting for a certain TV show on the TV... It didn't feel like home.

I closed in my room. Most of the days I would spend by trying to figure out everything about school, who's using what platform etc. Soon enough, my mother, a nurse in city hospital, told me that she will be transfered to work on a Covid part of it.

I didn't really think it would change anything, but hell, was I wrong.

Every day, she would come pissed from work. She would scream at me, yell at me, blame me for whatever happened in her shift, blamed me for everything that wasn't in my power.

Listening to constant hate from her never had such an impact on me. She would usually do that but grandpa would always be there and talk to me. My mom would usually go to my grandma to see her and talk to her about her troubles at work, but she couldn't risk going to her place, so she decided to obviously, yell and scream at me, thinking I don't bother because I never showed it.

She would just randomly slam the door of my room open and start telling me I'm a terrible daughter, that I don't want to do anything, that I'm useless, that people will never love me, that I'm stupid etc. Those words now started to settle down in me and started piling up. Day by day, the pile became bigger and bigger and I was in a darker place than ever before.

I didn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't want to bother and others had problems too, much bigger then this one.

I was really desperate. I needed a way to get out.

One of those days, I called one of my good friends, and asked him to tell me something that he likes to watch, or to play. I needed a run from reality and I decided to find it in a video game or a TV show.

That's where supernatural came.

April 5th, 2020.

Just when I thought this year would never get better, it did.

I tested the waters with the pilot - he told me that I would like the show since I was a fan of The X Files and Scooby-doo. He was right. It took me one episode, and Dean's famous "Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days" to get me hooked.

Every day, I would turn on the show and would run away from reality. Every time it all became too much, I would watch them. Soon enough it felt like home. Those boys going around the country, hunting, having each other's backs, it really was unique and interesting to see how well they worked together.

As the show progressed and the boys went more mature, I started feeling better. I wouldn't have dark thoughts, I wouldn't feel empty anymore. Even though I could never talk with them in person, their presence helped me deal with my grandpa's death and my mother's sick obsession of blaming me for everything.

Sam and Dean taught me to stand up for myself. That's what I did. I stood up for myself and told my mother to stop being such a fuss and blame me for whatever happened to her on work because I'm no God (Chuck now 😂) and I'm not controlling anything. She was at first pissed when I talked back to her yelling but soon she stopped as well. I don't know where did she take out all of that anger and I honestly don't care. As long as it wasn't me, I didn't care.

Sam and Dean taught me that nobody really dies. Well, those boys never seemed to stick to that title. But the ones who did, as for example their dad, mom, later on Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Ash, Crowley, Rowena, Jack, Kevin,... You shouldn't think about how you lost them, about how you will never get to see them again. You should remember and cherish the moments you got to spend with them, and to be grateful that you were able to spend time with them. I started watching at grandpa's death from another point of view. Instead of missing him, I remembered him. Whenever I felt that feeling of empty, I would take our photo album and watch our photos together. I would read my old diary entries in which I wrote about how he took me to a fair and bought me a gigantic burger. Instead of tears, I would smile and be happy for being able to spend the time of my life with him and was grateful for making me who I am.

Sam and Dean taught me that family don't end with blood. But it doesn't start there either. I started taking better care of my friends, tried to talk to them more, ask them more often how they felt. I knew how bad I wanted someone to ask me that when I was in a bad place and I knew someone would appreciate that. But as well, I opened up more to some of them. It really felt nice, knowing that they don't care that you're broken and that they are more than ready to help you deal with whatever you need to.

I binge watched the whole show in about 4 months. I watched the boys grow up, and so did I. I learned so much from them, I loved them for who they are, I cried and laughed with them, I was scared and happy with them, I would stay up late at night just thinking about Dean and Sam and whatever they were dealing at the moment or rant to my friend who never even watched the show about how much I love Castiel for being who he is.

Also, I fell in love with the actors. Jensen, Jared, Misha, later on Mark Sheppard, Alex Calvert,... I laughed for hours when watching their panels, comic-cons and other interviews they did. I learned about the always keep fighting campaign, and much much more.

I was happy to be in this fandom.

And so, I want to thank them for giving us the opportunity to watch Sam and Dean's adventures. I want to thank Jensen, Jared and Misha for sticking with the show for years, for giving us a ticket for the most wild and exciting ride that will always be a great, bright memory in our lives.

You guys left a legacy behind, a big legacy. As long as there's us out there, you will never be forgotten. The show will never be forgotten as long as there's people to remember it and talk about it, write fanfictions about it, re-watch it, laugh about it.

The show might be ending, but what it's left behind, that never ends. This family the show has built, there is no other like this one. There's no other Fandom like ours. This fandom is much more than just a fandom. This fandom is also a place where everyone is welcome, there is no judgments, no hate. This fandom is a family. A legacy. Not much shows can say that they've left a legacy behind. Right?

As much as I am sad the show's ending, I'm happy it happened. I'm happy I got to see 15 seasons of it, knowing many shows don't make it past 10. I'm happy I got to see Team Free Will kicking names and taking asses.

So, don't cry because it's over. Smile, because it happened. Part of a journey is the end, but then, nothing really ends.

Carry on... ❤️

[cillyscribbles]

ya girl did it again

as expected, i love ra’s mentor archetype and will die for him. a lot of feelings and bad book analysis under the cut

whenever i read book 3 again, the time-skip between halt and crowley's first conversation and halt's drunk antics sort of breaks my heart.

halt didn't expect the king to break any rules for him. in fact, "outer halt", the grim and more serious side of him mostly expects the worst of people with a few exceptions: this guy's disrespecting the entire diplomatic service as a whole, which i fully damn called, so i'll make my peace by just calmly throwing him out the window. will got kidnapped, so if i don't get to him in time, he'll get himself killed. i got shot, i'm not helping this mission, you two go on and leave me behind, if i die, i die.

(this whole "i need a very clear-cut purpose/i need to be useful somehow in order to keep myself motivated to move on and, by extension, live. if i'm not working what am i doing" mentality is another one of halt's very prominent traits and opens a whole another can of worms on its own imo)

so. what am i getting at.

halt knew fully and well he was risking his life by getting drunk halfway to a coma and going on to publicly shit-talk the king. i mean, he probably only got drunk so he'd have enough 'whatever, screw it' stamina to do it. of course, it could've been an excuse he could present to duncan, which he does ("i got drunk, said a few things i shouldn't have") but do we really think halt can't fake being drunk? i don't think he would give up his self-control if he didn't have to. this is halt.

to be honest this whole post is just me being emotional because think about it - he left his home one day, expecting the better of the two outcomes of what he was about to do - and the better outcome was getting banished from his country which he'd settled in after he had to run away from his homeland, mind you, and now he'll have to leave it as well. he loves this country. he does. not the land itself, but what is means to him. he's got friends here, his whole life's here, this is his home now, he was happy to be somewhere he felt like he belongs. that cabin in the woods, that's him, that's his safe place and a reminder that he's not an outsider despite not being an araluenian by blood. and he decides to give it up, and it's not temporary, it's for his entire life. that's it. done. even if he survives this, he won't ever see that cabin or those woods or that castle again. and that's only if the king doesn't just. behead him. on a whim or some crap.

sure maybe halt was hoping the king would think about his actual input to this country (araluen would've literally fallen TWICE if halt wasn't there to deck some asses), which duncan obviously did, because he's a decent human being and not a piece of ya know. shit. like ferris. to be honest, halt has no reason to trust kings and nobody can blame him. i sure as heck will not.

so think about this.

at first, halt's not really thinking through it - he's angry because of so much nonsense that's happening all at once. his apprentice's somewhere out there probably dying or being trafficked, the king won't see him at all despite him being one of his best advisers, and his best friend, as patiently as he's trying to sugarcoat it, just won't let him go and try to save a boy that's probably closer to him than his own family ever was.

it's understandable to be angry in this situation, nothing more to be said about this. he's PISSED. now it's worth mentioning that halt's primary defining character trait is looking a law straight in the eye and going "listen up here motherfucker". and what does he do? just that. breaks the ranger-defining oath, throws away all the orders his commander gave him, goes out to commit treason because that's how we solve problems in this house.

but, that's not it. he's not just doing it because he's cross-eyed in fury, even if he is. halt is an emotional character if you take him out of context, but that’s only if you take him out of context.

another thing about him is that he's probably the most cold-driven one. he did not do this on a whim. he absolutely did not fuck up his entire life on a whim. no, my guy went home, let the fumes out and then had a good short mental countdown - what he's going to do, how he's going to do it, and what outcome he's hoping to get.

this dude is a ranger, and he knows the laws inside and out (maybe just so he can exploit loopholes in them, but we all have quirks. so what if forging official documents is his hobby. let him live) so he decides on the most optimal one to break to get his way - and it involves POSSIBILITY OF HIS DEATH. and sure, duncan probably won't snap his neck for something like a few foul words, but, like, the only other option is BANISHMENT. he doesn't know duncan will banish him for a year only (as he's startled and absolutely appalled when he hears that).

so - what do you think? he's short on time, he wants to get on with this as fast as he can, but there has to be a while or maybe just a short moment when he just remembers that he’s human for a minute or two and this is not gonna end well for him no matter the outcome.

maybe it's back in his cabin. maybe he wipes the dust off the table and wonders for a bit who'll be the next ranger of redmont. looks at all the flowers he picked for the cabin to keep it clean and nice. will the new ranger pick some new flowers? or will he let those rot until they're good enough to throw out or use as fire fuel? eventually, he knows, there will come a day when the cabin won't remember him, the flowers will stay outside the wooden walls and his memory will slowly fade from the fief. and it'll probably happen during the next few months.

maybe it's during the ride to the tavern where he'll pass judgement on himself. maybe abelard makes a noise of concern, sensing his rider's uneasiness, and halt pats him on the back, what am i doing, how did it come to this, but he keeps moving because he has to, and he goes on with his plan because it's him or will, and hell shall freeze over before he lets it be will. abelard stays silent for the rest of the way and halt remembers that, if he succeeds, he'll be taking him away from his friends as well - cropper and blaze and the rest. and there's a strange feeling of influence, the realization that he's doing something that won't only impact him but quite a handful of others. so many people he most likely won't see again no matter how this turns out - crowley and pauline and baron arald and even the king. but there's a life on the line, and that life is too important to him.

maybe, finally, it's when he's waiting to be called in for his trial with hot drying blood on his face and a feeling that his guts have been ripped out and his head splattered by those clubs the watch carried. maybe it's when he raises a hand to brush off some hair that stuck to his face and he feels his fingers trembling. this is him now, and there's a strange urge to smile. look at me, beaten, bloody and blue, and it's all a part of the plan. what a wretched plan, honestly. he's taken the chance that he won't be killed through this, and there's nothing left than waiting it out to see his future decided. and god knows he didn't want to do that, direct quote - "it's a deep and bitter hurt", he's abandoned everything he'd been building up for years. of course it hurts you fucking self-sacrificing idiot.

can you imagine the absolute disbelief and the relief he must've felt when it was announced that his banishment would last a year? i'm surprised he didn't just plank himself down then and there. i would've. imagine how hard it has to be to intentionally ruin your life for a cause only you seem to believe in, literally tear down everything you've ever worked for, and then be told that it's gonna be alright and it's not twice as bad as you thought it was? jesus christ, the impact of that.

no wonder he's graying at 35. i would've gone into cardiac arrest seven times consecutively just during that single day. so, there. he may be the favourite of everyone and their grandparents, but man, the lengths he's willing to go for the people he cares about still go under-explored. guess that's what i tried to do. it's three am, i have a lot of emotions, and most of them are ra related.

i don't think i've read about a choice quite so difficult in a long time? again, this section breaks my heart. we get so little of his perspective except when he's already leaving araluen. and the guy cries. well-deserved tears. how can you not. honestly the whole point of this post is that halt has gone through way more bullshit than he should've and nobody appreciates him as much as they should. even i. halt o'carrick is immortal and there will be a time when we will give him recognition he deserves, be it willingly or under the pain of death.