#and i know the whole at ur own pace thing whatever

[lovieku]

GOOD LUCK, BABE! #2 ⋆ 정국

what happens when you leave everything behind, only to be faced with it again years later? eunbi is convinced she was given another shot at keeping all she ever wanted, but it’s difficult when that all is her childhood best friend who doesn’t want to do anything with her anymore. how to earn his trust back?

☾ pairing: non idol!jk x fem!oc

☾ genre: childhood friends to strangers, friends to lovers, angst, fluff, smut

☾ word count: 9k +

☾ warnings: alcohol consumption. explicit language. underage drinking. this whole thing is fluff vibes imo. like jk is just a little loser who misses his best friend. gureum debut! i love this dog so much he deserves his own one shot.

☾ author’s note: hello !!! i hope this chapter isnt too slow for u guys.. i like this pace tho! we r starting to get to know our ggukkie better. but we’ll get to eunbi too! oh also, theres little hints that help understanding the timeline of the whole story so 👩🏻‍💻 thank u for ur time!!

ps : dal = moon in korean; boreumdal = full moon in korean. it’ll be useful as you read hehe.. ok bye!

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two ⋆ ribs

The first time Jeongguk got drunk, it was with his best friend. At the age of 15, the number of coming-of-age movies he had consumed with her by his side was more than he could count on both his hands and feet, never having enough of getting lost in a world that seemed so entrancing yet far. Not only because his age wasn’t exactly the one depicted in those films, but mainly because Busan didn’t offer such scenarios. Jeongguk was continuously inspired by those, so much so that he’s confident when admitting it was exactly that genre which got him to take directing and film production not only as a silly dream, but as an ambition. No matter how crazy it sounded to everybody’s ears, he wanted to follow that path, because only then he could translate his wild and eager imagination into somewhat of a concrete, tangible reality.

Having Eunbi by his side was only a bonus. At the end of every movie, after impatiently but silently waiting for the credits to roll (she knew Jeongguk took those very seriously, almost as a ritual), she would vomit every single thought she had harboured regarding what she had just watched and Jeongguk felt seen. His same hunger was reflected in his best friend’s eyes, and words, and passionate gestures when yearning for those experiences. The only difference was that, if Jeongguk was content with only jotting down their endless brainstorming after a long session of movie watching for future ideas that he hoped he could bring to the big screen, Eunbi was longing to bring those to life.

”I really wanna get drunk,” she whined in the older boy’s ears while munching on some remaining snacks, attentively observing Jeongguk’s skilled hand doodling what looked like two people watching the sunset on a beach. With time, he got used to staying focused on whatever task he was leading even with the girl going on about whatever passed her mind, but this time he released a chuckle and let his pencil roll down the couch, shifting his attention to his sulky friend.

“Why would you want that?” He said with a curiously amused expression, entertained by the pout on the girl’s face while she took his sketchbook and delicately traced the beer bottles he had scribbled earlier.

10 Things I Hate About You had been the current topic of discussion, being the last of three movies they had watched that afternoon and the one that Eunbi liked more. She couldn’t stop geeking about how cool Kat was and how she wanted to be her when she grew up. Jeongguk thought her little moment of admiration was funny, and let her go about it, “Everybody says it’s bad for your health and bla, bla, then why would they make it look so exciting?”

For the first time since their five years of friendship, Jeongguk thought of himself as the more rational one of the pair. Even if older (by one year), he had always been a bit childish around her and seemed to need his best friend to scold him with her witty, book-obsessed vocabulary. Thus, saying he was surprised by Eunbi’s claims would be an understatement. It was like the roles had switched when he said, “Well, it’s fiction. It’s supposed to be exciting.”

In response, he got the same glare he would reserve for her anytime she would tell him off for his immature behaviour, with an addition of an eye roll and an even sulkier expression, emphasised by her crossed arms. The boy giggled at her disappointment and snatched his sketchbook back from her hands, retrieving the pencil from where it had been buried under the cushions so he could resume his earlier activity.

However, the sudden silence was unsettling. It gave him a moment to realise he had never really been surrounded by quiet when hanging out with his neighbour. The Converse-lover girl would always fill any empty space with words, thoughts, songs, even random sounds made with her mouth, or hands. He was not sure if he should be thankful for such unusuality or if he should search for hints that could be hidden behind her odd quietude.

He went for the latter, and he was proved right when he lifted his head from his drawing and found his friend torturing her lower lip with her front teeth, staring into the void with narrowed thinking eyes. When she noticed his gaze on her, she exchanged eye contact and, unable to hide it longer, a mischievous smirk made its way to her mouth. Jeongguk shook his head, “You’re not seriously considering-“

”I’m just saying!” Her talkative self was back, sitting cross-legged on the couch and fully facing Jeongguk, trying to get him to direct his whole attention to her, “Dancing on a table seems fun…”

Jeongguk scoffed, amused by the way this one movie seemed to have had a huge impact on Eunbi’s running imagination, which he was very familiar with but, as he was having this conversation, he doubted if there was more he needed to discover, “Do you realise Kat was about to fall-“

”And! Got saved by hot Heath Ledger. Twice!” Jeongguk was used to being interrupted, especially when the conversation was about one of the girl’s favourite topics. He didn’t know Heath Ledger was on that list, though. He frowned, “You think he’s hot?”

Her response was as simple as a Duh!, making the boy feel stupid for questioning what seemed to be an ultimate truth. He rolled his eyes and went back to doodling meaningless details that would complete the image that had been clouding his mind, only for his shoulder to be shaken by a whiny Eunbi, “That was not the point. I’m telling you I wanna drink alcohol.”

Jeongguk snorted, taken aback by the unexpected outburst of confidence, then widened his already big eyes at her, signalling to quiet down, “My mom is literally in the next room.” That only got the daring girl to shrug her shoulders, eyebrows raised, and expecting an answer to her admission.

The older one sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closed and contemplating. His meditation was interrupted by his determined friend rocking his body back and forth by the sleeve of his t-shirt, in hopes of getting what she wanted. She wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but figured Jeongguk could find a solution for her. Said boy tried to get the constant pulling to stop, only when it wouldn’t he could only lightly push the younger one away, knowing it would cause a huge reaction. And not even three seconds after, she laid down and acted as if her arm was broken, and her whole body severely injured, faking cries and whines. Jeongguk laughed, “What do you want me to do? Where would I even get it?”

It’s like she was waiting for that exact question, because the moment it was asked her acting immediately came to an end, as she lifted her body up again and sat straight on her heels, “Your dad has a whole collection of random bottles. He won’t notice if one is missing.” The quick response sounded strangely rehearsed, and Jeongguk furrowed his brows.

A smile danced on his lips at seeing his best friend trying not to break too and instead maintain a serious composure, wanting to make her intentions clear and unmoved. Jeongguk was surprised at her sudden resolution, figuring it must not have been so sudden after all, ”How long were you keeping this inside?”

”Literally forever,” she eventually broke, releasing a long breath, her body bending down with it but then regaining its straight posture, resuming her Convincing-BFF-To-Get-Drunk plan, “Movie was the last straw. Please Ggukkie?” She mustered her best puppy eyes and Jeongguk narrowed his, unbelieving of all the tactics she was using to get to her goal.

”No.” He strangely managed to sound firm, despite Eunbi insisting and now deepening her pout, making it hard for the boy to deny her request, “Dad will kill me.”

”I’m sure he won’t notice,” the way she was talking made it sound like she knew exactly what needed to be done, as if she was explaining something as obvious as Heath Ledger being hot. The look in her best friend’s eyes, however, let her know he wasn’t fully on her side yet, so she came up with something unexpected even to herself, as proved by her dubious expression after uttering out, “I will also steal a few beers from mom.”

Jeongguk fully broke out laughing then, nose scrunching and eyes squeezing, hand over his belly while muttering something close to You’re insane, and that went on for a minute, the reaction carrying at seeing his neighbour being as serious as ever, not even hinting a smile (even if she was doing her best to suppress it).

When the chuckles eventually came to an end, the brown-haired boy shook his head and went back to his drawing, leaving the girl incredulous at being ignored like that by who she thought would always be her Number One Supporter. She gasped, mouth hanging. Jeongguk smirked amusedly, seeing her through his peripheral vision, “What?”

The younger one whined and fussed on the couch, impatient with Jeongguk being seemingly impossible to convince but stubborn with wanting to make him agree. When not even her begging worked, going ignored as everything else she was doing, she sat silently just following Jeongguk’s hand on the paper. The boy thought it was over, until Eunbi let her mind speak again, this time more spontaneously, “You know, this thing you’re drawing, it could be reality. Not just film reality, I’m talking about us two drunk on the Busan beach, enjoying everything it has to offer. Can you really resist it?”

Eyebrows wiggling and a mischievous smile on her face, Jeongguk knew he was being difficult just because, the idea of getting drunk with his best friend had sounded inviting right from the start. Little by little, he was breaking, still hesitating when he admitted, ”Busan beach doesn’t sound that exciting but… Yeah, that would be pretty cool.”

At that, the girl’s eyes went sparkling, hopeful of finally winning her battle, ”That would be suuuper cool! C’mon, Ggukkie.”

Her hands were back on his shoulder, shaking him with less vigour this time but still making the boy giggle, “How would that even work-“

”We sneak out.” Once again, her rapid reply sounded so sure, it almost scared Jeongguk. He wanted to laugh again, but something in the girl’s expression made him hold back, slowly being persuaded by her convincing tactics, “I got everything planned. Let’s put the movie brainstorming aside and keep the get-drunk plan brainstorming going and I’ll tell you exactly how we’ll move through it.”

Jeongguk hesitated. The light in her eyes made him put the doubts to the side, ”Alright.”

That same night, they put the plan into action. It wasn’t too thought-out, but Eunbi had a way with words that made anything sound magical and captivating, just as those directors Jeongguk admired could depict their young age in a way too fascinating vision. They had decided to sneak out of their windows at 1 a.m., and before that, they would get their hands on what they had agreed and figured would get them drunk enough: whatever hard liquor attracted the boy more out of his dad’s collection, and two beer bottles from Eunbi’s fridge.

Both of them were clumsy with their actions. If they had to complete this initial part being together, the whole plan would have failed with how much one would have laughed at the other, and vice versa. Jeongguk made the bottle clink with another, while his best friend in the house next to his closed the fridge too hard, causing uncalled-for noise. The sounds were amplified by the quiet of the night, making the youngsters awkwardly stand still for a second, terror-stricken in hopes they wouldn’t get caught. What followed after was hastily placing the contents in their backpack and waiting some more by their window, ensuring no odd movement was heard from their parents’ room. When everything seemed under control, they nimbly climbed out, landing on their feet.

The first to appear outside was the younger one. With every fast and speedy beat of her heart, she felt it coming up her throat. All her senses were ten times stronger at that moment, and she could feel a jittery sensation travel through her whole body, running in her veins and seemingly unstoppable. She tried to, by harshly biting her lip and clasping a hand over her chest. Where the heck was Jeongguk? And why was she so cold? She wished telepathy existed, as she hoped with all her might that her friend had brought a jacket she could steal.

When a minute passed and there was no sight of the older boy, she felt utterly betrayed, and tried to come up with any excuse that could justify Jeongguk’s delay: there were none. If she could make noises she would whine, both the cold and the wait being unbearable.

Jeongguk appeared seconds later, looking like a deer caught in headlights as his feet landed on the ground with a stomping sound. Eunbi couldn’t help the snort escaping her mouth, quickly clasping a hand over it while the boy made his way to her with big eyes and his pointer finger laying over his lips, demanding absolute silence.

The two didn’t utter a single word until they were at a safe distance from their houses, and when they looked back and noticed how those were becoming smaller with each step they took, the smiles on their faces grew bigger. The girl in her Converses giggled and incredulously shook his friend’s arm, “What. The. Heck. We did it!”

Jeongguk let a nervous chuckle escape his lips, sharing that same excitement mixed with tension that he could feel oozing from his best friend, now hanging from his arm, “We did it. Now, where do we go from here?”

“Trust me, Gguk. I told you I know my way,” once again, the younger one managed to sound convincing enough, and Jeongguk let himself put his whole trust in her, too agitated to argue. However, Eunbi expertly noticed the unusual edginess in her friend’s nodding and lost gaze, so using the time it took to get to the beach through the route she knew best, she let out every single thought that passed her mind. Just as the dynamic between them was often like, but this time it served as a way to distract Jeongguk; and it did. The boy chuckled there and then at various comments, adding to them too. He laughed loudly when Eunbi admitted she brought some strawberries and water, just in case, and called her a dumbass. They then proceeded to have a meaningless argument about it, all while he took note of how the girl’s skin seemed to prickle with the soft wind, and laid his hoodie on her shoulders. They had a subtle way of caring about each other, which nonetheless never went unnoticed, but still not really mentioned.

1 a.m. was dark, darker than they’d ever witnessed, and if it wasn’t for the tall buildings behind them, the beach would have been completely surrounded by obscurity. The closer they got to the sea, the more the moon also helped reduce such blackness, with its light reflecting in the water. The pair sat down on the sand, picking the spot they had claimed as theirs during one of their many beach days on the hottest days of summer. There wasn’t much talking now, both of them eager to start the final and main part of the plan, but none of the two brave enough to break the seal.

Eunbi wrapped herself around Jeongguk’s hoodie, her knees to her chest and her chin to her knees, observing the boy sitting by her side with a playful smile dancing on her lips. Her nose scrunched tenderly when he reciprocated it, and her voice was suddenly small, “You want a strawberry?”

”You dragged me all the way over here to eat strawberries?” He chuckled at the girl’s out-of-character embarrassment and lightly shoved her shoulder, getting a lively giggle out of her. She shrugged, putting up her best innocent act, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jeongguk didn’t say anything while he unzipped his backpack and took the main character of the night out, a bottle of Absolut Vodka, the one that had scared the boy less out of the whole collection, its liquid clear like water and seemingly free from danger. Who knows, maybe it also tastes like water.

He was proved wrong not much later, when he brought his mouth to the rim and gulped the first sip, its burning taste firing up his throat, then extending to his chest and finding home in his stomach. Jeongguk emitted a loud groan, eyes squeezing shut with the force of the foreign feeling, and distanced himself from the bottle to cough. The younger one had watched the whole scene with big eyes, unconsciously following every movement of his with her head, attentively studying his reaction and then laughing at his disgusted expression. She stole the bottle from his hands and repeated the same actions.

Unexpectedly, she accepted the sensation much better than the older one, only shaking her head fast in hopes the liquid would go down rapidly, and then taking another huge gulp right after. Jeongguk snatched the bottle from her hold to clasp it to his chest, his brows furrowed, “Woah, slow down there.”

”If I focus on how shit it tastes, I will never get drunk. Let me finish it,” her eagerness triggered Jeongguk’s competitive side, bringing him to swallow down a bigger amount than he had seen her sip, gulping loudly and then standing still, as if to prove a point. See? It doesn’t affect me either, that’s what his eyes were screaming. Of course, Eunbi didn’t back out, a silent race starting between the two the moment she claimed the bottle again and looked him right in the eyes while drinking. Jeongguk laughed too loudly, but he couldn’t control it, “That’s how it is?”

In between sneers and roasts, the competition went on until Eunbi announced her whole world was spinning, and the liquid covered a little less than half of the bottle. Jeongguk felt irrational contentment brimming his mind, making his body feel light yet still shaken by adrenaline. Unlike his friend, he could at least form coherent sentences, though. He had regulated the amount of alcohol he was ingesting, so that he could ensure one of them could still lucidly operate in case anything happened. He had also pulled the bottle away from Eunbi’s mouth multiple times whenever she would overdo the quantity she was drinking, but he figured it still affected her way more than it did him.

Indeed, a whole 10 minutes had passed of her munching on those strawberries she just had to take with her while walking in circles around Jeongguk’s sitting figure. Before going on that ritual-like path, she had also tried one of the two canned beers, and the littlest sip of it had made her declare it as the worst beverage on earth. Jeongguk didn’t mind it, surely liked it more than the clear vodka, but made sure to empty the opened can and hide the other in his backpack, in case his very tipsy friend wanted to try some more.

From his sitting position, he looked at her grinning when she would share bitten pieces of the red fruit with him, while still keeping up the constant walking and the random babbling. In the midst of it, she would also laugh to herself, and then resume her muttering, making the boy laugh as well with no exact knowledge of what she was saying. He just went along with it, didn’t get what was so funny but figured he was too tipsy to entertain meaningful conversation.

As he kept observing her, he saw her look up at the sky, the movement too fast for her spinny head, “Ouch.” She squeezed her eyes shut and quickly reopened them, only to be welcomed by black patches appearing and disappearing from her vision. Then, the starry sky is what she saw; the moon was next. She laughed at that too, spinning around a few times with her arms wide open.

Jeongguk does find a reason to laugh along with her now, his friend acting too silly his heart feels content just watching her, ”You look so dumb. What are you even doing?”

Giggles are her first response, followed by her suddenly sitting down on the sand, on the spot next to him. Jeongguk noticed some of the strawberry juice had dripped down her chin, so he cleaned it carefully with his thumb until there was none. She hiccuped, “Gguk, I think- I think I love the moon.” The sudden admission was out of context, but he accepted it. A little over an hour had gone by at that point, but once again she assumed the position she was in when they first arrived, knees to her chest and chin to her knees, with that same soft smile directed at him, only with sleepier eyes.

With the hand that was already close to her face, the older one moved some of the locks that were blocking her vision, then gently placed them behind her ear. He melted at the pleased expression on her face, her eyes gently closing. Jeongguk had always felt a sense of protection in her regards, just like a brother would to her sister. He wasn’t much older than her, but he still felt like he needed to be someone Eunbi could lean on and look up to. He followed along, nodding, “Yeah? You do look like the moon.” The tender moment seemed to have been interrupted by his comment. Her soft smile was replaced by a frown. Huh? Did he say something wrong?

With Jeongguk seated next to her, she turned to fully face him (the fast movement probably causing her head to hurt again) and furrowed her brows, “You do realise that’s not a compliment,” the same confused expression was now mirrored on her friend’s face, so she kept explaining, “You’re saying my face is round and puffy.”

The boy sitting cross-legged also fussed so he could be directly in front of her, facing the tipsy girl when he smirked, “Your face is round and puffy, Bee.” The grin turned into a full laugh when she hit his shoulder with a stronger force than usual, making him stumble. At that, she shoved him again, intent on making him fall on his back.

”What the hell? No, it’s not.” When she realised how weak alcohol was making her, she backed down from her mission and instead sat on her heels and crossed her arms, annoyed by the stupid smile on his face. She narrowed her eyes, “If anything, you look like a coconut. Fuck you.”

The boy feigned his shock, the act quickly being revealed by his uncontrollable giggles. The alcohol was getting her way sassier, and she was already too mouthy for his liking. Still, he was never intimidated by that, instead living off these moments just to make fun of her and wind her up further, “Should I call you Dal? My little Boreumdal?” His sickeningly sweet mocking voice was aggravated by his tickling under her armpit. She swatted him, “You’re being disgusting. I’ll throw up everything I drank on you.”

”I dare you Dal,” he wiggled his eyebrows and shortly after he figured that was the last teasing comment he could allow himself to throw at her before being pushed fully to the ground this time and receiving harmless punches on his stomach, which made him burst into lively laughter. The sand was getting in his hair and all over his clothes, but he didn’t care, his only goal being winning the nth fight between them, “Ouch, Dal stop-“

“Don’t call me that!” She was fully screaming at him now, her vodka breath fanning over his face while she kept tossing him on the sand, giggling along, “Stupid coconut.” Between laughs and jabs she didn’t realise how close they got, Jeongguk also working his way to free himself from his spot on the ground, resulting in her determined attitude trying to block him by sitting on his stomach and pushing his shoulders down.

However, when she felt his hands on her wrists, the contact triggered sudden awareness in her mind, registering the compromising position they were in, her whole face changing colour. With her movements being haltered, Jeongguk also seemed to notice the quick change in her expression. After a moment of silence, of her staring big-eyed in his starry eyes, a tipsy 15 year old Jeongguk could only come up with, “This is the first time I’m seeing a red moon.”

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

It’s the echo of her voice, yelling Shut up! in his face that startles him awake. When he takes in his surroundings, he relaxes in the bed again. Jeongguk was right when he predicted how hard the simple act of falling asleep would have been, following being so close to the cause of his nightmares after years. He checks the time displayed on his phone, 6:08 a.m. His alarm isn’t set to go off for another hour. Sighing, he’s aware trying to get some more sleep after it had failed to find him would have been useless, reason why he goes on a staring contest with the ceiling.

It becomes a canva for his running mind, which projects the last image that he saw behind his closed eyelids: Eunbi’s face being centimetres to his, her head crowned by a shining white full moon. He’s unconscious of the smile creeping up on his mouth, but when he feels its sides twitch it turns into a deep frown. He hates his own brain for doing this to him, but is also aware the girl coming back so strong and unexpected in his life played a huge role.

It’s not like he was ever confident with the possibility of fully forgetting about her. How does one forget about the moon? But he could still say he had done a great job at keeping her locked in one dark room in the back of his mind; until not more than three months ago, when she showed up beside Dahye, her big smile greeting the rest of the group, but breaking in pieces when she spotted him. Had it been such a disgrace for her?

Jeongguk can’t blame her if she felt like that, because after an initial, very brief moment of surprise, excitement and sparks, he was surrounded by doom. It had been gruelling battling against the kid inside him, probably confused as to why his first instinct wasn’t to hug his Dal. It’s as if that version of him got stuck right in the place he was left, and when he saw her again he wished to pick up from where they had stopped, never having gotten closure. Last night would be an example: the urge to keep an eye out for her, care for her safety. It’s like telling a child Santa Claus isn’t real, and watching his world break. But Jeongguk needed the kid in him to be faced with the truth badly, before a light gets switched on in that dark room of his brain he keeps her in, and next thing he knows she finds the key to open it and escape.

That truth being the fact that everything changes, and people do too. Although, compared to the first time he saw her drunk, he wouldn’t say there were any changes: she would still mutter incoherent nonsense under her breath, and laugh for no apparent reason. And it had the same effect on him, pure amusement and adoration. But this time, he couldn’t let himself indulge in it.

Jeongguk can’t stand his brain being manipulated so easily by his heart, and rather having to sit helpless while witnessing such conflict, he figures he can start his day ahead and get up from his bed. What awaits him is a train journey to Busan in exactly two hours. With summer break starting, he had concluded he could use the most of it to be with his parents, starting by the weekend ahead. He’s fairly excited to be in his hometown again after months, and with the way his mind has been taking him back in time through the memories, he finds it funny how he used to depreciate Busan and fantasise about Seoul, when right now he would do anything to not be surrounded by the capital’s chaos. You truly never know what you have until it’s gone.

Jimin, being also from Busan, had offered to drive him there and go with him, but Jeongguk refused. He’s aware his best friend was just being nice, a leading characteristic of his nature, since he also knows Jimin doesn’t really enjoy being back in his city, and tries to stay away from it as much as he possibly can. The blonde had opened up once to his flatmate, admitting how home wasn’t really that for him. Seoul was his one and only occasion to escape it; he loved it here, and had finally built what felt closest to a home. The fact that Jeongguk is part of it makes his heart swell with joy.

He’s as quiet as ever while he packs the last things in his backpack and exits the flat, making sure the door isn’t shut too loud so as not to wake Jimin, who’s probably going to suffer from the worst hangover as soon as he opens his eyes. Still, the brown haired boy now wearing a baseball hat over his head shoots his friend a text to let him know he’s left the house. A cheeky Don't miss me too much :p is sent after that.

Considering he still has a significant amount of time left before the train leaves (more than he had deduced yesterday, when he had set his alarm at 5 a.m. for 7 a.m. and had gotten even less sleep than that) he picks walking to the station over taking the bus, in fear if he sits anywhere he will fall into deep slumber due to his single hour of sleep and fuck up his whole getaway plan. The walk contributes to waking his senses and shaking off the weariness, his mind finding it especially hard after the previous hours spent in the small suffocating club, swimming in the smell of alcohol and weed, and being surrounded by blasting music.

When he gets to his destination, there’s still 30 minutes left before the train arrives. He sighs while he sits on a bench by the platform, and waits. Two cigarettes later, he figures there’s nothing else he can do but put his earphones to use and play the first album in his recently played. When not even Twenty One Pilots’ Vessel can avert his eyes from batting until they’re slowly closing, Jeongguk forces himself into a staring contest with the nothingness, in hopes the illusion of having to win a fight keeps him awake. Until even then his vision starts to unfocus, and in his zoned out state he feels like passing out on that same bench.

His phone is his last resort, mindless scrolling on social media apparently the only activity capable of avoiding his mind from completely shutting down. When he gets to Instagram, rather than checking the new posts on his feed, he clicks on Dahye’s story popping up as the first one of the list. Stories are a fairly new feature to the app, but he soon came to learn how much his friend loved it, documenting every piece of her life through them. What he didn’t expect, and surely didn’t need, was her recent updates to be a rundown of Eunbi’s recovery from her drunken state last night: firstly, a close up of her baby face, with cheeks covered by smudged mascara and what looked like tears, and a pout so pronounced with furrowed eyebrows; soon after, a sneaky shot of the girl completely bent over the toilet, almost hugging it, Dahye captioning it with her new BFF!; then, an hour later, Eunbi peacefully sleeping surrounded by all sorts of pillows and plushies. Dahye ended the small series with a short apology to her roommate, adding i love u @song_eunbee hehe.

When he realises the unconscious, dumb, stupid, smile on his face, he jerks his head up and shuts his phone, violently shoving it in his sweatpants pocket. Blinking a few times, he also notices how he quite literally almost missed the train, only then registering it had stopped in front of him and was ready to depart again. Jeongguk quickly gathers his stuff and makes his way onto the train, searching for any seat that is close to a window overlooking the outside. He thinks if he can focus on the view for the rest of the ride, he’d be able to shut off the urge to go on a three hour Instagram spiral. He knows he’s so wrong when not even two minutes in, he physically can’t stop his hands from retrieving his phone and looking up song_eunbee on the app’s search bar.

He’s relieved when he clicks on the first account that pops up and finds out it’s not private. In her profile picture her face is half covered by her hand, but the dimple adorning her cheeks doesn’t hide the fact that she’s smiling. He’s welcomed by quite a few posts, varying from landscapes, friends, family, baby photos, random kittens on the streets, club nights, and some selfies. He learns she’s pretty big on Ariana Grande and that she still loves the moon, as confirmed by the crescent moon emoji being the only thing in her bio. He can’t help but foolishly wonder if looking at it at night makes her even subconsciously think of him, and the fact that he kept calling her that nickname even after her protests. A handful of the pictures on her feed portray the moon too, and one of them is captioned with Kat Stratford’s unmistakeable monologue: but mostly i hate the way i don’t hate you; not even close; not even a little bit; not even at all.

Jeongguk was right when he predicted he would be a victim of an Instagram spiral, because for the next hour he studies her posts more attentively, the people she tagged, the people in her comments, the places she visited, the quotes in her captions. He is so consumed by curiosity, and maybe something more (awfully close to envy, anger and misery) that he doesn’t even notice the sleepiness completely dissipating from his body, his mind now running to connect every single pin on the imaginary board his own brain had offered for him to better analyse her account.

Until, after being extremely careful for the entire endless minutes spent on her profile, he accidentally clicks on her story and before he can react, he’s left to stare at the picture until the 15 seconds finish. He blinks. Keeps his eyes shut for a few seconds. Reopens them. Clicks on the story again. Only one side of her face is showing, and beside it it’s her middle finger, on top of it FUCK YOU @dahye.lee96 !!!!!

He shuts off his phone and puts it on his lap, squeezing it in his hand from time to time. He takes deep breaths every one minute. Considers deleting his account, or his whole existence. He doesn’t know what to do with himself now, his eyes closing but not with the intent to sleep. He’s trying to block his flow of thoughts, unsuccessfully.

The incident haunts him for the rest of the trip, causing him to check his phone constantly and contemplating flushing it down the train’s toilet. Only when he sets foot in Busan’s station he’s able to distract himself from it. He sports a boyish smile when he sees his parents’ car parked outside, and bashfully lets himself be coddled by his mom’s praises and his dad’s content grin before driving away. He’s almost 21, most people his age feel too grown for this type of affection, but he will never deny it. That’s enough for him to stop worrying about his earlier slip. It’s still in the back of his mind, though.

Opening the door to his childhood home, he’s greeted by a fawning Gureum, his tail wagging so hard his whole body moves with it. The white Maltese has been the family dog for almost six years now, and giving him a new life after rescuing him from a shelter had cured Jeongguk’s loneliness and heartbreak; he hopes it did the same to the dog. He blocks out all kinds of noises and questions from his mom while he spends the first ten minutes in his house entertaining Gureum’s zoomies, using a sickeningly sweet tone that is only reserved for the small pet. To the point Gureum almost looks like he’s had enough of being called a good boy, feels like he can confidently reply to who’s the best boy ever? with the correct answer. Me! He just barks.

After settling his stuff and catching up with his parents on university and life in Seoul (he doesn’t mention that Eunbi is a new entry in his friend group, yet) he spends the whole morning in between naps, sleepiness eventually catching onto him. He dozes off after lunch, his tummy full and content with his mom’s cooking, which he had dearly missed, and ends up sleeping for more than intended. Next thing he knows, it’s 5 p.m. and it takes him some time to readjust to the reality surrounding him. He drags his feet to the kitchen to retrieve a snack, only to sit again, this time on the couch, Gureum finding home on his lap. The sleepyhead is close to spacing out again while munching on some Peperos, until his dad asks for help, his voice coming from upstairs.

Jeongguk finds out his most recent obsession has been decluttering, and that’s what he was called over for. His dad had collected old stuff that belonged to Jeongguk in two boxes with the intention of getting rid of it, but he still wanted to make sure there was nothing his son still needed, or valued. The boy is glad for such consideration the moment he spots his old Samsung camcorder in between worn plushies and damaged toy cars. He can’t imagine what would have happened if he wasn’t there; he figures the camera would have probably got thrown away, with his dad’s eagerness. He gets sensitive over it, entertaining a small argument with his father about it and forgetting the task he was supposed to complete, instead returning to his room to check on the camera’s contents.

Leaving the door ajar, he can still hear his dad’s faint voice calling for him and asking for truce, and even if Jeongguk’s little fit of anger is already over, he is too enthralled by the device to acknowledge any other sound around him. It had been a while since he last picked it up, not only because ever since he started university the boy had managed to afford better equipment for his short films and casual moments of inspiration, but also because what is stored in there could potentially break the thin line of sanity he has been walking on for the past weeks.

The first videos he’s met with make him chuckle, his big 10 years old eyes reflecting in his equally wide 20 years old ones, still sharing that same love for filming and blabbering on about his passions and ideas. With time, the contents captured by the camcorder changed, from video diaries of family trips and shared meals, to dramatic storytellings starring any toy that could be put to use. He can see the exact moment he began developing a bigger interest for directing, and his various attempts at finding new original shots and angles put a sweet smile on his lips.

Until, one particular clip marked an important switch, and the introduction of who soon after became the main subject for the rest of the images filmed on the device. From the moment she met him, Eunbi had been a constant presence anytime he would hit record on the camera. Their very first encounter is documented by it, when Jeongguk had forgotten to stop the recording, too startled by the sudden changes occuring right in front of his eyes; nevertheless, it resulted in a pure, authentic fragment that he’d never been able to replicate. There is no way to, the earliest smile she directed at him was captured by those lenses, and that started everything which followed.

He can spot the point in which they eventually got tired of making up stories to play out through their toys, even with the addition of Eunbi’s impressive Barbie collection. They also tried replacing the dolls with their own selves, but changing outfits and makeup for every single clip was only fun for a short while. Four episodes later, the both of them left the telenovela they had started taping unattended, and looked for a new reality to portray, even if it was always only for their own eyes and enjoyment.

Jeongguk was searching for something more simple than cliffhangers and plots. He now remembers how even his little self would always go back to that initial scene that saw them together for the first time, Eunbi’s small voice greeting the camera with the sun beginning to set behind her. He wanted his shots to be characterised by that same unadulterated, filtered feeling.

That is most probably what led him to start a documentary about their friendship, just what he had said behind the lenses while his best friend tilted her head to the side, sporting a confused look on her features, unaware of Jeongguk zooming in and out on her face (which probably got Eunbi to yell at the top of her lungs later on), “Was I unaware of you being a National Geographic reporter?”

“Are you calling yourself a beast?” Jeongguk could be heard chuckling in the microphone at Eunbi’s incredulous reaction. That was how it would always go between them, a constant back and forth to battle on who had the last word in. The girl just scoffed, clearly scrambling to find a quick reply, but only managing to roll her eyes with crossed arms and muttering something close to says you. It seemed the older one was ahead, for now.

Jeongguk grins at everything that follows next, and he tells himself it’s because he’s amused by his younger self’s manners, but it’s not like those were the main subject of his shots. He quickly comes to terms with the fact that if he wants to keep scrolling through the videos, he’d have to be constantly faced with Eunbi; there is really no way of escaping it. Jeongguk had underestimated the amount of clips portraying her, to the point the idea of a documentary seemed more like an excuse to film his friend. Make her his first muse. It was Eunbi playing, doing her hair, secretly trying on her mom’s clothes, blowing candles on her birthday cakes, revising for tests, baking Christmas cookies, coming up with friendship jingles; and everytime, she seemed so natural, as if being in front of a camera was all she was ever created for. She insisted she always wanted to be a teacher, though. He wonders if that changed.

He doesn’t know how much time he spends crouching on his desk with the recorder in his hands, but he knows it has to be hours when he gets to a close up of Eunbi’s face, her sleepy eyes and sheepish smile immediately taking him back to the night that infested his dreams hours earlier in his bed, his assumption being confirmed when he can see the sand extending behind her figure. At that point, he figures the relatively small amount of alcohol they had drank had already dissipated from their bodies, only leaving them feeling hazy, but in a good way. The wind makes it hard to decipher their slurry dialogue, and he misses the reason why Eunbi suddenly stole the camera and pointed the lenses at him. It makes him realise how little he showed himself in front of those. His timid smile probably gives out why: contrary to his friend, he wasn’t a natural. Still isn’t. He works better behind them.

He rewinds the clip a few times, curious as to what they were talking about. He can faintly hear Eunbi mention how that scenario looked so much like the drawing Jeongguk was working on that same afternoon. He doesn’t remember what it was, wishes he still had it. Then, the girl balanced the camcorder on the half empty bottle of vodka and stood, struggling to bring the older boy up with her. Now next to each other, Eunbi looked like she was instructing Jeongguk how to pose, and he figures she was trying to recreate that same doodle. She laughed hard when the boy shoved her, visibly annoyed with being moved around, more so with the girl seemingly repeating something again and again in his face. Her voice got louder, but the recording couldn’t quite catch it. From her lip movement, it looked like she was saying Put this in your movie! Put this in your movie! Jeongguk giggles. Was he already working on something? He wishes he could return to that moment to know, and maybe stay there for some more just because.

The boy is startled by sudden soft knocks on his door, jerking his head up and placing the camera on the desk, his hands sweaty from holding it for such an endless amount of time. He hums, signalling to come in, and he smiles when it’s his dad timidly peeking out and lifting his brows expectantly. Jeongguk giggles, “Dad, I forgive you.”

The older man sighs with way too much energy, exaggerating his relief and then coming to his son’s side. He smiles, ruffling his hair, “Are you hiding a girlfriend from us? This thing keeps going off,” handing him his phone, he cackles when he sees Jeongguk’s panicked expression. He must have left it on the couch earlier. And what does his dad mean with “girlfriend”? Phone going off? Does this have to do with him viewing Eunbi’s story? Is she publicly shaming h-

“Anyways. Dinner is almost ready, Gguk.” His dad pats the still alarmed boy’s shoulder and exits the room. As soon as Jeongguk hears the door close, he dashes himself on the phone and unlocks it. It keeps pinging with texts from his friends’ group chat, but there’s no new notification from Instagram. He releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding, but his relief is short lived when he comes up with another thought: was he that irrelevant to Eunbi? She didn’t even think of requesting his account? He frowns.

His initial idea was to quickly scroll over the messages as to join his family downstairs, positive it was probably just going to be either Seokjin sharing awful unfunny memes or Hoseok updating the group on the next possible catastrophe looming over human beings. He furrows his brows when, instead, he’s met with the whole group chat coming at Jimin, for no apparent reason, after his own name was mentioned.

Jiminssi, 7:48 p.m.

heeeyyy so…. ggukkie’s bday is very soon guys

Dahye, 7:50 p.m.

jimin.

Yoongi hyung, 7:50 p.m.

Park Jimin.

It’s in two weeks

Jiminssi, 7:51 p.m.

what

im just saying

its gonna be exciting!

Dahye, 7:51 p.m.

shut your mouth rn.

Joon hyung, 7:52 p.m.

Bro I thought I could trust u w this

Jeongguk is even more confused when, as he goes on reading, his friends keep brutally bullying Jimin, going as far as threatening to ban him from the next club nights out that he himself had planned. He chuckles at his friend’s misery, but soon remembers he is somewhat involved in it. He pouts, angrily typing.

Jeongguk, 7:58 p.m.

What is this about

Hobi hyung, 7:59 p.m.

baby it’s nothing

Jeongguk, 7:59 p.m.

???

Its not nothing

I wanna know

Like the baby he truly is, he keeps spamming the chat with messages to make himself noticed, until he sees Jimin’s texting bubble going on and off.

Jeongguk, 8:01 p.m.

My dear jimin what is it

I know you wanna tell me 🌀🌀🌀

Jiminssi, 8:02 p.m.

WE R GOING CAMPING FOR UR BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

The next thing displayed on his phone is an incoming group videocall from Namjoon, but Jeongguk remains still staring at himself on the screen for more seconds than necessary, registering the sequence of events that had just occurred. Camping? His birthday?

He slides to answer the call, and he giggles at the imminent chaos he’s welcomed with, all his friends throwing shade at Jimin while he just laughs along with his roommate. As all the members keep joining, he still doesn’t notice a certain someone missing.

”Was this supposed to be a surprise?” Jeongguk finds it hard to stop his laughter, both because of Jimin’s incapability at keeping secrets, but also — and mainly — because of the excitement he feels at the news just revealed to him.

”Well, duh. Jimin just had to ruin it,” It’s Dahye who replies, and Jeongguk can see the indignation on her features even in the little pixelated box she’s now displayed in. She then proceeds to entertain an argument about it with the boy she mentioned, and as everyone just listens and tries to excuse Jimin’s reasoning, Jeongguk searches for Taehyung on the screen. When he finds his eyes, he’s already wiggling his brows and the younger boy silently chuckles, mirroring his actions. It’s been a couple months since the two of them started suspecting something going on between Jimin and Dahye, even with the former always denying it. What is undeniable is the tension between them, though. It is showing right at that moment.

Jeongguk decided to intervene, having to raise the volume of his voice to be heard over the soon to be (in his and Taehyung’s opinion) lovebirds, “Guys, guys. I’m not mad. This is amazing. Thank you, really. Are we the only ones going?”

He questions just because in the last period they were often times joined by Seokjin’s girlfriend, as well as a couple of Dahye’s friends, and he genuinely enjoys their company, would be totally okay with them being present to celebrate his birthday. Seokjin himself speaks, “Sora is coming, and I think Iseul and Aera are also gonna be there. Oh, and of course-“

”Guys!” His phone tings, signalling a new person joining the videocall. It’s Eunbi. Oh. He almost didn’t consider the fact that she is most probably going to be invited too. Well, obviously. From what her camera is showing it looks like she’s outside, more specifically waiting at a bus stop, headphones on, “Sorry, I just saw the texts. Jimin, why the fuck would you do that?”

As the topic of the conversation moves once again on Jimin being awful at secrets, Jeongguk dissociates for a minute, no longer giggling along. He realises this would be the first birthday of his he shares with her by his side after years. He’s not sure how he feels about it. Can only sense a nervous sensation travelling his body, and making him feel uneasy. His furrowed brows and sudden silence don’t go unnoticed by Jimin, while on the other side Jeongguk surely doesn’t seem aware of his internal battle showing on the outside. He can’t let one person ruin his own birthday. He just has to ignore her. How hard can that be?

When he returns to the reality surrounding him again, he absent-mindedly listens to the others talk and can only distractedly pick up that the attention has been shifted to a complely different matter, Eunbi seemingly finding it funny assuming from her loud pearly smile. He frowns, his confidence wavering. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be easy to ignore her. Still, not wanting to dwell too much on it at that moment, leaving it for his future self to worry about, he leaves the call not before thanking his friends again. He misses Eunbi’s fond smile as the others shower their baby with praises, dismissing his gratitude with this is the least we could do for you, Ggukkie boy.

When he joins his mom and dad downstairs, it’s oddly quiet as they eat. Gureum places himself under the table and sighs, laying his head on Jeongguk’s feet. The boy can perceive the eerie atmosphere, so he asks about Gureum’s health and shows genuine interest when his dad updates him on the dog’s improvements. His mom, however, defines herself as an expert when it comes to her only son. She can spot even the tiniest change in his demeanour. Still, she knows to be delicate when asking about it, “Is everything okay, honey?”

Jeongguk stills with the fork in his mouth, looks at his mom with wide telling eyes, then nods. He hesitates, gulping down the previous bite, “Uh, my friends and I are going camping for my birthday.”

His mother smiles a big one, “That’s nice!” She seems aware something is being left out, so she inquires further, “But…?”

The questioned boy plays with his food while still munching on a big bite of it, “I guess I kinda forgot to mention it,” he starts, trying to mask his embarrassment by talking with his mouth still full. When his mom glares at him, he forces it down, “But, huh… Eunbi is in Seoul. And she’s Dahye’s roommate, so she’s coming too.”

It’s his mom’s turn to be silent. She looks like she’s taken aback, her mind working slower than usual to register a name she hasn’t heard in a long while, “Eunbi as in Song Eunbi? Our neighbour?”

Jeongguk unconsciously furrows his brows. The girl hasn’t been their neighbour for years, and never will be again. He doesn’t know why such a simple definition of her makes him feel edgy, “Yeah, our old neighbour.”

”Right… Well, that’s good, no?” Mrs. Jeon tries to lift up the atmosphere, even while knowing the mentioned girl could still be a touchy subject for the boy. When everything happened, a piece of him had been taken away with Eunbi’s sudden departure. There was seemingly no way to mend his heart, and as time went by Jeongguk closed up more and more every time his old friend was brought up, to the point she was never mentioned again, as if she had never existed. That illusion seemed to help the boy move on. His mom is not sure how her son feels about it now, but she unknowingly figures the scar has to have healed after all those years, and maybe seeing Eunbi again even brought her son to the closure he needed. When Jeongguk just nods, she hopes that is the case. His mom smiles, ”Invite her over sometimes?”

“… Yeah, mom. Huh, I will.”

[luvjunie]

hiiiii!!!!

idk if ur taking requests or not, but can you scenarios about miles 1610 and 42 (or just one of them) if they were your older brother reacting to you having a boyfriend/girlfriend taking you out or something (they radiate overprotective brother energy idk why😫🙏)

LOVEEE your work!!😊

AW THANK YOUUU SM 🫶🏽 miles42 a/n: this is exaggerated a little for comedic reasons lolll. and ik i’ve done something similar to this alr but i’ll honestly never get tired of writing siblings bickering so idc skskdkd

“Bye Miles I’ll be back by 9 don’t bother waiting up for dinner!” You rambled out in one quick breath as you whisked passed your brother’s open door.

“Aht aht, come back,”

Your lips smacked against your teeth when you stopped in your tracks. He had his damn Beats on and was literally bobbing his head to whatever he was listening to, how did he even hear you?

With the inside of your cheek between your teeth and a huff pushing from your nostrils, you spun on your heels and begrudgingly stomped a few paces back to see him already facing the doorway. You stared at him with an oblivious look that had an attitude written all over it, arms smacking against your sides and head moving like a chicken’s when you asked,

“What?”

He pushed one of the ears to his headphones back and gave you a curious look. “Where are you going?”

“Out, clearly.” you blinked.

“Yeah, no shit, but where?”

You looked to the side, then back at him. “Does it matter?”

“Uh, yeah,” Miles huffed a humorless chuckle. “Mom ain’t here, so that means I’m responsible for you. And even when she is here I’m still responsible for you. Shit, soon as you were born I was responsi—“

“A boy,” you quickly clarified with a hand out, hoping to avoid one of his soap-box rants. “I’m going out with a boy. Cool?”

“Cool, cool.” His lips puckered when he nodded to himself, screwdriver tapping against the little mechanical trinket he’d previously been working on.

Here we fucking go.

“What���s his name? He got siblings and if so, how many? Where he work at? Does he even have a job? Cause if he don’t he a bum. What car he drive or are y’all takin’ the train?”

You stared at him, bewilderment painted on your expression in the form of a scowl.

“Who are you, the CIA?”

“Doesn’t answer my questions.” He disregarded your own with a derisive shrug.

“Jalen. His name is Jalen. What you gon’ ask for next? His mother’s maiden name?” you joked. “Or what, his social security number?”

Miles glanced to the side, pretending as if he were actually considering it.

“Honestly, that would make things a whole lot easier.”

“Dude,” You rubbed your forehead, hand thrown to the air in exasperation. “How would I know half of those things?”

“Wha—You’on see where we live at?” Voice upped an octave in astonishment, Miles gestured towards the window behind him with his thumb. “There’s some crazy mfs out there, trust me I know—“

Your head dropped back when you groaned. “Oh brother—“

“What you should be asking is why don’t you know those things.”

“Look I’m not about to do this with you. You act like I don’t know that you weren’t at Uncle Aaron’s last night. But that’s what you told Mom, ain’t it?” You folded your arms and tilted your head. You looked far too complacent for him to call your bluff.

“Yeah,” You nodded at his silence with a smug smirk. “You think I don’t know about you and Aliyah by now? Especially when last week you were all ‘Mami, she’s my partner for a project, can she come over?’” you mimicked him in an insultingly goofy voice that wasn’t anywhere near close to his.

“Since when do you do ‘partnered projects’?” Your eyes narrowed.

His mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water told you everything you needed to know but you played on; all in a day’s work of sibling banter.

“Huh? What was that?” you cupped a hand to your ear, lashes fluttering when you looked to the side.

You: 1

Miles: 0

He cleared his throat, looking away once his face started to get hot.

“Aight, whatever bro. But share your location with me. Seriously, I’m not playing.”

“Yeah yeah,” You rolled your eyes, opening up your phone and clicking his contact.

“And if ole’ boy try anything, tell him I keep a pole.”

It was a joke. Kinda, but not really at the same time. That wasn’t the exact weapon he used, but it was close enough.

You scoffed. “Stop cappin’, you’ve never even shot a gun before.”

Miles didn’t say anything, but the look on his face suddenly turned dead serious. And as the both of you stared at each other in an eerie silence, you made a wise decision to not take the subject any further.

“Whatever,” You shook your head, motioning to your outfit. “Do I at least look nice, though? Be honest.”

Miles looked you up and down, his top lip arching when he did a so-so motion with his head. He knew you were genuinely asking, but what kind of brother would he be if he didn’t mess with you a little bit?

“Ehh, yeah.“ he shrugged, looking unimpressed on purpose. “Fit coulda been harder though. Shoulda asked me for help, I woulda got you right.”

“Oh good-fucking-bye.”

“Dude, I’m kidding!” he called out with a laugh as you stormed off.

[powdermelonkeg]

just saw ur gale/mystra analysis post. im new to the game and dnd lore and honestly… ur take on their relationship feels like the most natural/compelling one??? esp since its all too easy to simplify topics that have many facets and nuance….

thanks for sharing i love analysis and reading people’s takes on narratives : D

My pleasure! (Bee from the future here: congrats, you spawned another meta!)

I love complicated characters, WAY more than I like a clear cut-and-dry case. Flaws, to me, are what make a character compelling and lead to interesting stories about them with choices that can get them into situations. I'm both writing a fanfic and running a campaign where I'm playing as Gale, and in the interest of portraying him properly and in-character, I've gone into SUCH a deep dive into all the decisions and facts that make him him.

It helps to, y'know, also be in love with the fictional wizard, but I digress

The thing about Baldur's Gate 3 is that no character in there is perfect. I've seen a couple analyses about the theme of continuing cycles of abuse vs breaking out of them, but in my mind, in terms of the characters themselves, it goes like this:

The origin characters have just come out of the lowest situation of their lives (Lae'zel being the exception; being tadpoled is a gith's worst nightmare. You're seeing that lowest situation in real time).

Not the lowest point, mind. Gale's lowest was probably the day after he got the Orb. Wyll's was probably the day his father cast him out. Karlach's was the day she lost her heart. But the lowest, accepted normal for them is what they've just left.

They're then thrown out of their depth and forced to rely on you to live. That's #1 priority: living. We get the extremes of these characters before we get their nuances, because they're quite literally at their breaking points.

Then once we get to know them, we see their wants, their hopes, their fears, as they open up to us. Every companion's story is at their own pace, but they all have a moment where they ping-pong between despondency and desire. Sometimes that desire is what we know isn't good for them, like Shadowheart wanting to be a Dark Justiciar. Sometimes that despondency is only for a flicker, like Astarion's realization that he's condemned 7000 people to a half-life of tortured spawnhood for as long as he's been a vampire.

Romance lets us crack all that open more, because if you pursue a romantic partner, they see you as their closest confidant. They WANT to trust you, so they're more willing to explain how they see the world and what decisions they want to chase.

And then their endings. Those often get simplified as good/bad, continuing the cycle vs breaking away from it. But how is Duke Wyll on the same platform as Ascended Astarion? He's not evil, he's not even entirely unhappy. He might even have broken out of his abusive cycle with Mizora, if you played your cards right. And Ascended Astarion is overjoyed, even if he is remarkably more cold.

I think that the endings are less a dichotomy of "this is good for them" vs "this is bad for them," and more one of "bringing out their best traits" vs "bringing out their worst."

Wyll's worst trait is being willing to sacrifice his own wants for whatever people desire of him. His best is standing for what he believes in and ensuring people are safe. Duke Wyll leans into that necessity to turn the other cheek in the name of people who count on him, while the Blade of Avernus has seized that moral compass of his and forged it out of mithral.

Shadowheart's worst trait is blind obedience at the cost of her individuality, while her best is her desire to be kind to things that don't deserve to be hurt. Mother Superior Shadowheart's whole life is defined by Shar. Selûnite Shadowheart's life is defined by her hospitality, especially towards animals.

Karlach's worst trait is how willing she is to accept that things are (to quote her) fucked, letting despair override hope. Her best is her durability in the face of horror. Exploded Karlach would rather die than try to work out a solution in the Hells, because she's terrified of facing Zariel alone. Mindflayer Karlach has accepted her fate and decides to give up her heart and soul to go out a hero, losing who she is. Fury of Avernus Karlach is willing to keep fighting for a solution, and by the time the epilogue happens, she's got her sights set on one.

Astarion's worst trait is his desire for power over people. His best trait is using the tools he has to his advantage. Ascended Astarion has let his powerhungry nature and paranoia lead all of his decisions, with his sights set on dominating mankind. Spawn Astarion has embraced what he is, and carved out a life for himself where he can do as he pleases.

Lae'zel's worst trait is her blind fanaticism, while her best trait is her individual dedication, making her loyalty a marriage of the two. Ascended Lae'zel is a meal for the lich queen, turning a blind eye to all Vlaakith's tried to do to her and literally being consumed by her fervor. Champion of Orpheus Lae'zel has turned her loyalty into something productive for diplomacy. Faerûnian Lae'zel has seized her individuality by the throat and decided her own future.

And then Gale. Gale's worst traits are his hubris and, paradoxically, his low self worth. His best traits are his creativity and wonder for the world. God Gale is the embodiment of ambition, having burned away all but that in pursuit of perfection. Exploded Gale has let his remorse blot out all hope for a redemption in which he does not die, because he thinks he's earned it. Professor Gale leads his life by embracing the school of Illusion and letting his creativity thrive, teaching others to do the same. House Husband Gale has multiple creative projects he's working on, and Adventurer Gale is always finding new sights to see and wanting to share them with you.

There are arguments to be made on which ending the origins are happiest in, certainly, or which one benefits them the most, but each ending represents the extreme of a facet they possess.

So with all that, there's a sort of malleable method to figuring out the ins and outs of a character.

You take their endings—all of them, all variables they can have—and reverse-engineer the flaws and details they carry. Then you start to notice how those work into their approvals for minor things: Astarion approving of your taking of the Blood of Lathander, or Shadowheart approving of standing up for Arabella. Getting a list of approvals and disapprovals is helpful, but having those endings on hand tells you why they react like that to a majority of their decisions.

You take their romance-route explanations of how they act, and apply those to earlier decisions. Astarion's confession to manipulating you and Araj-prompted admittance to using himself as a tool brings to light how he reacts to your decisions, regardless of his actual opinions on them. Wyll's fairytale romance and love of poetic adages speaks to his idealistic nature, and why he takes a sometimes-blinded approach to decisions in which the "right" answer isn't always the smart one.

You take their beginning reactions to stress and use that to measure how future decisions impact them. Lae'zel locks down and gets snappy when she's scared, while Gale immediately turns to diplomacy. Shadowheart has gallows humor, while Wyll turns to quiet acceptance. If they break from these and seem even worse, you know the situation is more dire in their minds than having seven days to live.

And then you factor in all their fun facts and dialogue choices and backstories.

A wizard falls in love with a goddess and her magic, attempts to retrieve a piece of her power for her, is scorned for his attempt and is cursed to die.

Give that backstory to a Tav. Look at how it changes.

A chaotic good wizard fell in love with a goddess, thought retrieving a piece of power for her would be a showy bouquet of love, and was punished for not thinking things through.

A lawful evil wizard fell in love with a goddess's power, snatched the most precious thing she owned, tried to use it to barter his way through to the secrets she kept, and was given a swift retribution.

Same backstory. Same class, same act, same goddess. Wildly different connotations. Wildly different conclusions as to who is in the wrong.

If you take all there is to Gale, all that the game shows us makes up his character, and apply it to this backstory, you get what really happened:

A wizard, enamored with magic, fell in love with a goddess. His desires led him to want more than she was willing to give. In his well-buried fear of inadequacy, he concluded that the reason she wouldn't indulge his ambitions was because he just hadn't proven himself worthy enough. So he tried to prove himself, but he lacked the context for what he was proving himself with. And the goddess, seeing a weapon that had killed her predecessor, saw this ambitious wizard as losing his way and coming for her just like the weapon's creator had. She was angry, she withdrew his link to her, and he didn't know why. So he drew the conclusion that she took his powers to punish him, and let that encompass his fall from grace.

Was he wrong to reach for what was out there?

If you knew that the answers to everything you cared about were not only known, but kept by someone you loved—someone who adored you—what would you do to ask to see them? What if your curiosities were if there were other planets with life out there, or how dark matter worked, or whether or not we could one day travel in the stars? What if it was the potential cure to an illness that's little-understood, or the way to make a program you dreamt up, or the scope of the true limits of your artistic talents? Would your answer change?

Was she wrong to cut him off?

If you were once hurt, and the person you loved—the person who adored you—brought the thing that caused it to your door, believing you'd want it, how would you react to seeing it? What if that thing was someone you thought you'd broken contact with, like a friend or family member you'd been trying to avoid? Would your answer change?

That's the sort of scope that needs to be applied to this, on both sides. You have to take the perspectives of each party, and apply two analogies instead of one.

Gale saw the vastness of the universe, untold wonders, the solution to every question he could ever dream up, and saw Mystra as withholding this from him because she thought he just wasn't worthy enough. To claim Mystra knew his perspective does her a disservice.

Mystra saw a cruel weapon she thought long gone, in the hands of someone who could use it, brought right to her, and thought Gale was willingly following the path of Karsus. To claim Gale knew her perspective does him a disservice.

Should Gale have researched his prize more, so he knew just what he was obtaining? Should he have kept his hands off a cursed book that would devour him? Of course he should have.

Should he have given up on chasing his dreams?

Should Mystra have understood that Gale's pursuit of power was nothing like Karsus'? Should she have communicated when she was angry instead of giving the cold shoulder? Of course she should have.

Should she have given him the benefit of the doubt?

That's the root of their falling out. That's what leads to hurt being inflicted. Understandable, human reactions to the situations they perceive. Unhealthy, unwise choices made afterwards.

You work backwards from this to figure out their dynamic as Chosen and goddess. You work forward from this to understand more of where Gale and Mystra are during the events of Baldur's Gate 3. Gale reached too high, and understands this. His goddess hates him, and he regrets this. Mystra isolated Gale, and understands this. Her Chosen wants redemption, and she wants to make it happen.

Just like we took Gale's character into account, we also have to take Mystra's.

A goddess is faced with a problem. She uses someone who's desperate for approval to solve it, by telling him to kill himself.

An evil goddess is faced with a threat to her reign. She sees someone who's unfailingly loyal and hates himself, and elects to have him tear himself apart rather than do anything about it.

A good goddess is terrified of the future. She sees someone who tried to hurt her, who's going to die anyways, and tells him to use it to save the world.

Same story. Same act, same power, same pawn. Different character. Different perspective. Different outlook on whether or not this is the right thing to do.

Mystra has died, multiple times, to people trying to stake claim to her domain. Someone appears with the very thing that could do it again, right as she's regained her stability.

She does not see mortals the way mortals do. She is timeless. She is eternal. She has a duty to protect billions of people, and one person lost to protect that number is more than worth the sacrifice.

People like to bring up the Seven Sisters as proof of Mystra's cruelty. For those unaware, Mystra asked permission to, then possessed, a woman, used her to court a man (with dubious consent from the woman), and bore seven children, all of whom were capable of bearing Mystra's power as Chosen without dying. The woman she possessed was killed in the process (reduced to no more than a husk, then slain by her now-husband, hoping to end her suffering), and the husband was horrified by the whole story.

Mystra needed Chosen in order to restore herself in the event that she was killed again, to prevent magic as a whole from collapsing and wreaking havoc on the mortal realm, like it had in the few seconds Mystryl had been dead. Elminster, Khelben Blackstaff, and the Seven Sisters contributed to this. The more Chosen she has, the better; what happens if Elminster dies? She can't afford to have all her eggs in one basket.

Mystra has Volo (yeah, that Volo) as a Weave Anchor, imparted with a portion of her power to prevent the Weave from shredding itself to pieces in her absence. All Chosen of Mystra are Weave Anchors by nature. The creation of Weave Anchors was mandated by Ao, the Overgod, and Chosen are the best way to make sure those anchors aren't drained by ambitious people hoping for godlike power. Chosen can, and will, defend themselves, unlike static locations (which Mystra also has). The anchors are why the Weave wasn't completely obliterated during Mystra's last death, when the Spellplague rose up, because they stabilized the Weave around them.

Everything Mystra does is in the name of the big picture, to prevent a catastrophe like the fall of Netheril from happening again. Her restriction of magic, her numerous Chosen, her creation of Weave Anchors, her destruction of those who would claim her power, it's all in the name of the stability she's been charged with. Dornal Silverhand's grief and Elué Silverhand's death, while regrettable, were worth it to bring seven more anchors into existence to save all of the Material.

So someone appears with the Crown of Karsus, potentially powerful enough to try to kill the other gods in the name of the Dead Three. She can't risk being a target of them. She can't risk the destruction of magic again.

Gale is going to die. He lives in fear. He begs for forgiveness.

In Mystra's eyes, she's offering him the best outcome. She'll let him die in service to her, to save Faerûn, and she'll forgive him. He's going to die anyways, and if he does this, she'll give him everything (she thinks) he could ever want in her realm. She's asking him to do what (she thinks) is the right thing.

"She would consider what she considers to be forgiveness."

Notably, she leaves the decision in his hands. She doesn't have Elminster lead him to the Nether Brain. She doesn't activate him as soon as he's there. When he lives yet, she doesn't revoke the charm that keeps him stable. And when he declines, when he lets it go and starts pursuing Karsus' path, she doesn't smite him on the spot.

She is (she thinks) being incredibly patient. If Gale is going to try to be Karsus II, she's ready for him. If he decides to walk off and keep the Orb, he's dug his own grave in the Fugue Plane (those who don't have a god to claim them roam endlessly as husks and form a wall of bodies around the City of Judgement).

From her perspective, she's not being unreasonable. But from the perspective of a mortal, she absolutely is.

"Now, I have a question for thee: what is the worth of a single mortal's life?"

This is a question she cannot answer properly.

I think a lot of characterization is lost whenever someone paints one of them as being totally in the right. But I also think you have to be invested in them as characters to want to see that characterization. If you want to write about Mystra, you have to try to get into her head, analyze the decisions she made, figure out why she thinks she was right, and follow the pattern.

Gale's sacrifice is a very predictable thing for her to ask for.

[scarasimping]

I WAS HOPING U DID NSFW BUT I WASNT SURE

PIRATE SCARA 100% LIKES SEEING U WITH HIS HAT ON WHEN UR ON HIS SHIP, UR HIS ROYAL TREASURE AND HE LOSES IT AT THE SIGHT OF U WITH HIS HAT

He 100% has a think for marking, biting and leaving dark bruises from his mouth on your neck (and places no one else can see) gets him going (this man would go feral)

“Scara i told you to make sure their hidden!”

“Oops ;)” ps: hes not sorry <3

AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON TEASING, THIS MAN WILL DROP SO MANY FLIRTY THINGS TOWARDS YOU WHEN HE SHOULDNT, running from the guards? He’s gonna comment on how he knows you can last longer.. I mean run longer

Hiding behind a tree away from the guards? Oops his fingers slipped up under your shirt better stay silent, you wouldn’t want them to hear would you

ANON ILL KISS U ON THE MOUTH I LOVE U

about the hat thing, you're 100% correct. there's something about seeing you wear his hat that makes him feel possesive over you. it's a hat that everyone knows belongs to him, even other crews (and especially his enemies) so if you're wearing it, they know that you belong to him as well.

he's absolutely fucked you while you wore nothing but said hat as well. his calloused hands holding your thighs while they wrap around his waist as he has you pressed against the wall of his quarters. His hat almost fell off with all movement, but without stopping his relentless pace, he simply adjusts it to fit more snugly on your head.

"make sure this stays on, darling," he would say while all you could do is nod and dig your fingernails deeper into his shoulders and back.

speaking of marking, youre absolutely right that he has a thing for it, both giving and receiving. seeing your pretty body that's been pampered your whole life, not a scar to be seen, adorned with those deep purple and red marks left by him and only him fills him with a sense of pride. he would be there for hours marking you if he could, making sure anyone who happened to see any of them would know how well loved you are. He'd leave them on your chest so that they barely peak out of whatever shirt you're wearing, down your stomach, and especially on your pretty thighs.

pirate! scaramouche is definitely a thigh man btw. big thighs, thighs that are on the smaller side, he does not care he likes whatever as long as they're yours.

anyways, if you get mad at him for leaving a hickey where someone can see, he'd just smile at you cheekily and pretend to look innocent.

"whoops, must've gotten carried away...oh well!" this motherfucker does not care.

but also, he absolutely loves when you leave scratch marks down his back (and hickeys of your own on him but scratches are his favorite) especially if he can feel them throughout the day. yes, they sting a little, but he doesn't care in the slightest and even likes the stinging. your scratch marks are alongside all of his scars along his back and something about that makes him so happy.

(plus whenever he feels them there he just remembers his night with you and wants more so don't be surprised if the next time you see him, he's asking for another round.)

you're so right that he would tease you all the time. as you're hiding around a dark corner from the guards, pinned to the wall by him to make your bodies as small as possible so that you're not spotted, he's just biting back a laugh and staring down at you.

"Isn't this a familiar position?" he would whisper. "almost like last night when I-"

you have to kiss him to shut him up, it's the only thing that works.

that still doesn't stop him from slipping his hand under your shirt or down the hem of your skirt, so that he can test how quiet you can be. make sure you don't get caught ;3

[trendywaifus]

could i get a sequel to the fic of ningguang comforting anxious reader with yoimiya, kokomi and lynette if ur comfortable with writing her? :3c i'm happy to see that you're back and writing!! <3

woah lumi, you’re my first customer?? omg?? i haven’t seen you in a fat minute! it’s nice to see YOU back!! i missed you’re writing 😻

— despite yoimiya being a bubbly girl, she’s attentive to those around her! especially you cus you’re her baby. she absolutely hates seeing you uncomfortable and anxious so she tries various ways to calm you down. unfortunately, some of her idea/plans backfires which at times, made your anxiety worsen but she learns. she’s really loud? okay, she’ll lower her voice down for you. she’s moving too fast? alr, she’s matching your pace, no biggie! you don’t like to be touched while you’re anxious? that’s fine, she’ll stay by your side and encourage you with her colorful words!

— if you dislike loud noises like fireworks, yoimiya’s completely fine with that. she’ll only work on them when you’re not around. when she’s with you, yoimiya plays with sparklers! yoimiya’s contagious laughter and smiles makes you brim with happiness. if you’re comfortable enough, you’d join in on the fun.

— yoimiya likes to take you to her fav spot where she watch the fireworks at to chill! if you want, she’ll love to hear you vent or ramble about anything you want. it’s great to have a buddy who’s a great listener. while yoimiya listens, her eyes are never off you, she’s locked in with whatever you gotta say.

when you finished speaking, yoimiya smiles brightly. she points at your hands, “ babe, give me your hand.“ confused by her request, you placed your hand out in front of her. she takes it within her own, and guides it to her chest. even though you felt her resting heartbeat against your palm, the placement of your hand was practically an inch above her bandage–covered breast. you stammer, “ yoimiya, wh-what’s the meaning of this? m-my hand—“

“ i know, ignore that! but the point i’m trying to get at here is even though my heartbeat is relaxed right now, I still have sooo many things going through my mind! and despite all of that, the reason why my heart is relaxed now is because. . “ her crinkling golden brown eyes twinkles with unadulterated sincerity. “ of you! having a precious someone or friend by your side can often shoo the bad anxiety away. it might not always be the best remedy but it’s better than dealing with it alone! remember that if you need someone to go to, i as your girlfriend, volunteer as tribute! “

— as someone who leads a whole army and is looked up to by an island of people, kokomi understands your anxiety. for her to really cope with anxiety, she likes to take naps, read books, or plan extra battle strategies. since she has you now, she prefers to rest her head on your lap and relax.

— kokomi keeps a very keen eye on you. if she sees any signs of you becoming anxious, she’s at your side rubbing on your back. if she can’t come to your aid, she sends gorou! he’s not very good at comforting people so the little guy insists on you touching his ears and tail for therapeutic comfort. he’s only doing this for you, don’t tell anybody about it.

— naps are a musssst! when she’s stressed AND you’re stressed, she’s gonna take you to her office to nap. it’s y’all free time anyways, gotta recharge your battery. in my previous cuddle hc involving kokomi, she uses her hydro powers to make little fishies to lull you. why not sea horses or a fav sea animal of your choice instead this time??

“ you should be a magician. “ you mumbled, reaching your hand out to touch one of the hydro sea animals. one of them floats above your palm and twirls around happily as if was doing a little dance. kokomi giggles, running her fingers through your hair. “ mm, i already got my hands quite full. besides, magicians require a certain level of skill, charisma, and stage presence that i unfortunately don’t have. “

“ seriously? you do have the charisma. you have a way with words and your voice is soft to the ears. you’re able to create almost anything with hydro manipulation and that’s an advanced skill a lot of vision bearers don’t have. stage presence? pfft, your presence alone on the field changes the tide of the battle. you’re amazing. i’m so lucky to have you. “

cheeks red, she shakes her head with a tender smile. “ i very much appreciate your sentiments. however, i’m the one who’s lucky to have you, my dear. i find solace in your company, the fact that you also struggle with anxiety daily makes me feel like i’m not alone in this. as we go through our daily obstacles, at least at the end, me and you can share our experiences and give each other tips on how to cope with anxiety.“

— lynette is such a cutie pie. much like kokomi, she knows the horrors of having anxiety! she has ways of coping like pretending to be a robot/puppet to avoid people from socializing with her (maybe i should do that). when it comes to you, she would rather help you find healthier ways to deal with it.

— one of the things she likes to do is to show you magic tricks! the good ol’ fashion card tricks, the disappearing and reappearing of objects! anything to make you smile and laugh. her cute little tadaa~ alone brightens up your mood. (:

— i believe that lynette loves to eat, esp deserts. i see her taking you to a cozy small café and she’s treating you to her fav treats she likes to eat. she knows that she might get an earful from her brother for eating too much before dinner, but since she’s chilling with you, eh.

“ these treats are delicious but. .isn’t that your fourth desert? “ you asked, voice filled with amusement. lynette sets the fork down on the empty plate. “ it is. i guess i let myself get carried away there. “ she shrugs, her resting deadpan expression sitting on her face. you found it comical that she’s a glutton and an introvert. what a cute mix! you giggled before bursting into laughter. although you sound wonderful and the butterflies fluttering in her stomach agrees as well, lynette tilts her head in confusion.

“ what’s so funny? “

“ nothing, you’re just too cute lynette. thank you for making my day like always. i feel better.“ you grinned, taking another bite of your desert. you failed to notice the small blush tainting her pale cheeks.

“ tadaa. .” she mumbles bashfully in success of making you smile and laugh today.

[jonnymarzetti]

hi !!! this is about ur post on writing advice! do you have any tips for writing dialogue, like making it sound more natural and realistic? or any substitutions for saying "character A said" after any piece of dialogue?

HIIII ok this might be a longer post because writing natural dialogue is sometimessss a little tricky

first of all: think about WHY the characters are having this conversation. does it advance the plot, or reveal something about the characters?-- because usually it should do one of these two*

(*however, it doesn't always have to: if it simply enforces something we already know about the characters, or makes for a funny scene that fits all right in the flow of the story, or whatever, you should keep the scene.)

in short: you SHOULD have a reason for writing what you are. it makes things a whole lot easier

OK i'm going to use my own fic as example (because i'm currently a little too lazy to write a sample dialogue). we'll use chapter 1 of threw you the obvious

in chapter 1, we have charlie and pim, both drunk. WHY are they having this conversation?-- because charlie wants to establish that he's going to ohio

and that leads us to the second point on dialogue. your characters don't always have to WANT something from the conversation, but it's good if at least one of them does.

what they want/feel influences what they say, as well as how they say it-- in chapter 1, charlie wants to ask pim to go to ohio with him, and he feels anxious about asking, which comes through in the way he speaks.

so: charlie wants to ask pim about ohio. pim on the other hand wants to finally have a nice time in the bar with his friend, now that he's off the phone and not flirting with other people.

charlie gets what he wants in this scene; pim, not really.

now that we have function, we need to figure out how the scene is functioning. would it make sense for a character to express how they're feeling/reveal a plot point directly, or do we reveal the information indirectly?

a lot of the times, and this is often true for "realistic" dialogue, it's indirect.

to express information INDIRECTLY: use body language. i.e. show how a character is nervous or avoiding/not reacting well to the conversation or even trying to change the subject.

the point i'm trying to make here is that a good portion of the time, the point of dialogue isn't what the characters are saying, but rather about what they won't say!

not everybody likes miscommunication in stories. but miscommunication is realistic-- it's bound to happen at some point. so you can ABSOLUTELY use miscommunication/lack of communication as a component of your story or your dialogue

another tip is just to imagine the dialogue in your characters' voices. sometimes i'll read a scene and be like "oh i can't imagine that in charlie's voice"

and of course with a show like smiling friends this isn't the most lenient rule of thumb. there are a lot of things that people write about that probably wouldn't come up in the show. so take this tip with a grain of salt lol

OK also. pacing. it's so important

you want a good rhythm to your dialogue, which is not exactly realistic all of the time but readers often perceive it as realistic (or, at the very least, easier to digest).

i'm not all that sure how to explain this, but if you read tom chiarella's writing dialogue book-- i can send you the pdf of it if you like!!-- it helps to explain my point here.

that being said: another thing you can do is simply read. find authors you really like and figure out how THEY write dialogue, how they write a story. and then just take some time to practice emulating what you like about the works you read

as for substitutions for "said", sometimes "said" is your best bet. if you can find a said-synonym that fits and doesn't take away from the mood of your scene, have at it. you can find lists of synonyms for said on Google.

but if a conversation is between two characters, you don't even need to use "said" that much. readers typically understand that a string of dialogue alternates between characters. and NOT using "said" also creates a quick pace that can fit your scene

anyway this got long oops. but i hope it helps!! seriously though, chiarella's writing dialogue REALLY helped me get a dialogue style down. if anybody wants that i can send it thru discord

[protectingtulpas]

Tulpamancy vs Chronic Fatigue

[Plain text: Tulpamancy vs Chronic Fatigue]

Fuck it, if I'm gonna complain so much about being being exhausted on here I might as well make a semi-coherent post about it.

So, when I was made, my host wanted one thing of me. And that was to do whatever the fuck I wanted, to take the body and drive us both to make more of our lives, do more with ourselves and stop being so cooped up.

That uh, was before we realized we've got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I ended up not having the energy to give us the ass-kicking we needed, neither of us did, and my host sure as hell didn't know what we were up against. Headspace is nice, yeah, but it's not the same, even with how vast and expansive ours is. It's just not as tangible. I can't go out like I want, experience the world like I want, put as much energy into MY life like I want. I can't just force my way through it, and it made us both step back and re-evaluate our lives and purposes and shit. You'd be thinking I'd be wondering why I was made, why I'm here at all. Aren't I angry at my host? Don't I feel trapped?

But here's the secret, tbh. Living at all? Fucking rocks. There's nothing like air to breathe, the wind blowing, the sun glowing. I'm not angry at them for bringing me around, because like, the limitations of our body don't mean that I'm better off not existing. I've experienced!! I'm alive!! Maybe it's slower than I thought, and yeah that kinda sucks, especially as a tulpa. Even the act of making a tulpa in the first place can take soooo much longer when you're working against exhaustion, a spoon budget, brain fog, etc. But the thing is, just living the best you can is always worth it. I'm glad I exist. Yeah, I know I'm limited, but I'm not gonna go getting nihilistic instead of making the most of what I've got. I'm not gonna dwell on why I was "born"/created, I've got my whole life ahead of me, and I've already done so much, made a ton of positive memories, and made plans for my future. And I'll go at it at my own pace, because I deserve it.

I guess my point for potential hosts is that if your hangup over creating a tulpa is because of some disability reason, don't worry about it, just go for it. Long as you're ready to navigate disabled life with somebody else, and you're gonna give em as much space to live their life within ur personal physical & mental capabilities, then it's just as ok. Life is never a waste, and disabled lives aren't any less worth living.

I know I have a crapton of asks in my inbox, but this felt more fitting since my blog is sporadic as hell rn. I'll try to keep the momentum going tho

[blackdollette]

hii! omg okay so i absolutely love your works and your writing style and i wanted to know how you started up writing on here because i’ve been wanting to for a while but have no idea how to start 😣

thank you so much for this question! I'm gonna answer it in detail and feel free to dm me if ur confused abt anything!

OLIVIA'S (almost) COMPLETE WRITING GUIDE!

the basics.

i'll start off really easy. to begin, find someone (preferably famous). if this person is in any films, watch a few to get a taste of a couple different characters. this will help you form a hyperfixation to a character. this will be who you write for. for me, it's rory culkin & spencer reid. from here, now we can get to the fun part.

your aesthetic.

your theme is the next thing that will draw in an audience. I'm completely aware of the trillions of different aesthetics in the world, but more popular ones tend to draw a larger audience (odd, I know.) currently trending aesthetics include 2014 grunge (shades of black, pink, and lots of soft filters), coquette (pastel pinks and soft cremes, can be followed with slightly disturbing content), and my favourite, gothic. (falls into 2014 a little. i include themes from my favourite album. music will draw in a crowd too.) but this part is extremely flexible, so choose any style that you want!

friends & your fandom.

one of the best things you can do to give your account a kick start before even starting is to make friends in a fandom. reblog fics you like, leave kind comments, "sneak" into dms and leave encouraging messages. this'll earn you some followers and supporters right off the bat. if you're comfy with it, tell your friends outside of tumblr to follow you too (but I totally understand where that can get messy, so no pressure.)

writing + visuals.

now we're getting to the good part. fanfics are categorized into 3 main parts: smut, fluff, and angst (all I'm sure you've seen on my page.) smut is sexual stuff, fluff usually has a more cozy atmosphere around it, and angst is all the gut-wrenching stuff that really tugs at your heartstrings. as you write for either one of these things, keep in mind that your visual should support whatever the theme of the fic is. idk how long you've been supporting me, but ever since the start (august 2023) I have included some sort of visual in my content. first I only used gifs and ordinary fonts, then I branched out and began putting together my own photos and making the title match. your visual will reflect the quality of your writing.

when writing for anything, second person is usually my go-to (you went to the store, you took a walk, etc). it is the most commonly used perspective and prevent any confusion for the readers. when writing smut, there are certain words and phrases that'll be good with readers, and some that won't. when referring to the vagina, "cunt" and "pussy" will do better than "coochie" or "bearded clam" (yes, I've actually seen that used in a fic). when writing angst or fluff, create a mood by using sensory words that paint a picture in the reader's mind. practice this by googling good descriptive words and weaving them into your fics. this'll boost your writing by a ton, trust me.

conclusion.

this was a lot to take in, I know. when I first started publishing fics on this account, my content was far from good, but I promise you will improve as you go. remember to pace yourself, don't force yourself to write if you just don't feel like it. any writer on this app will understand that feeling. leave your inbox open most of the time to receive good ideas from your supporters, but let them know if you ever need to close it because of an excessive workload. i don't know if you're in school, but finding a good balance between schoolwork and writing fics is a huge part of this whole thing too. thank you so much for the wonderful ask, and my dms are open if you have any more questions.

xoxo, olivia.

[tsaritsa]

Congratulations on winning Nano!!! Any hot takes or unconventional tips on how to achieve a huuuge milestone like that in so little time?

Also, if you'd like to share, I'd love to hear more about the piece(s) you worked on during this year's event! Big yay if you want to tease us with a sneak peek as well. 🙂

Congratsss again!!!

ty!!!! i am afraid my tips might seem kind of obvious and not that much of a hot take but here's what worked for me:

writing sprints. do 10 min. do 17 min. do 30 min. whatever it is, just get words down on the page. after each sprint was finished i'd look at what i wrote, fix up the most glaring mistakes (espe if the words looked terrible. i've learned to live with a lot of spelling errors bc otherwise u waste too much time. during nano each day i'd prolly manage between 2-3 sprints -- usually enough to net me between 1000-1500 words each day. i wouldn't stop if i hit the daily total, i'd stop when i could feel the motivation waning. my lowest day was under 300 words, my biggest was just over 4000.

get a community. writing sucks alone. i feel very grateful that i've made some friends on here who were also trying to write regularly, so now there's 5 of us in a little discord i've made. we do sprints with each other and share lots of snippets, memes, pretty pictures etc. it keeps us excited about our own projects, but also allows us to cheerlead each other on.

get used to placeholders. i use TK. anytime there's a word i need but it's not on the tip of my tongue? TK my beloved. sometimes i'd write like she sighed in a TK kind of way, or like harry opens his mouth to argue about TK TK some work thing he's doing TK TK. it just keeps u in the pace of writing ur in, but allows for a few words to be spent writing down a piece that needs further expansion.

establish habits and goals. for me, it's stuff like trying to write the bulk of my writing with a nice candle lit, but also the silly stuff like putting on lippy so I feel like. Ready to do shit. have a few drinks avail. one to hydrate (ice cold) one to caffeinate (also ice cold). play music or sounds that will help u get into the zone without overly distracting. now that i've won it i'm gonna treat myself to some silly purchases as well bc i should reward myself for such hard work and dedication. i'm thinking a v comfy hoodie.

overall if i didn't have the community i had this month i think my external motivation would've been lost quickly, so find friends to yell at about ur project. watch yt videos about ppl doing writing! make posts and don't give a flying fuck about being cringe or not suiting ut 'aesthetic'. this is u. do it for U.

in terms of this project: the short version is hermione goes back to hogwarts post book 7 and has to slowly begin to recover from/learn to live with the PTSD she's gained. alas, draco is also back and she's gotta learn to make peace with the fact that he's allowed to want to change and that he's making small steps to become a better person than who he was. they're gonna kiss and be disgusting with each other. ultimately this is a story about hermione's journey, as the whole thing is written from her perspective, so although the dhr aspect is there, there are also other important relationships i want to focus on -- especially her and harry.

i'm ignoring/expanding on a lot of canon, and using some details from the movies i prefer over the books (namely her mudblood scar bc mmmmm parallels). i don't really know if anybody is in character but i don't care! this is my story and i'll do it how i see fit haha.

the following excerpt comes from late sept in the current draft. at this point dhr has been forced together a few times already. draco has surreptitiously managed to drug slughorn with a potion of his (slughorn's) own making during their potions class bc the potions professor was spending an entire lesson just showing off instead of. u know. teaching.

[stunie]

GOAT HAHAHA NOOO ITS A DEER AND SO TRUE IT WAS TRULY ANNOYING!!! I REMEMBER WHEN THAT PATCH WAS RELEASED THEY HAD TO NERF THE DEER LOLL and yess i hope you enjoy omg !!! do share your thoughts as you continue playing hsr,, i love reading your cute posts <333 it lowkey brings back my own brainrot since lord knows i haven't opened that game in awhile ( irl responsibilities breaking my back 😞)

also don't be afraid of any possibile mischaracterization!!! knowing you, you’d definitely hit the mark no matter what <3 do it at your own pace and we WILL be awaiting and ready to devour whatever you choose to share ‼️

aand yess i like jing yuan !!!! (too much for my own sanity.. he had me doing rituals and shit back in feb for me to get him (after making me loose my 5050 AND THEN coming at like 82 something pity 💔 but thankfully i got his lc on accident at 12 pity so.. i forgave him)) but truly he's so adorable i really used to log in just to stare at him for awhile and then log out.. IT WAS BAD FOR ME HAHAHAH && yes you're right he's absolutely sweet, the sweetest of them all. his idles are so adorable too 😞 cute sparrows always around him.. he's so.. heart eyes..

have you met bailu yet? jy always goes to meet her once a year under the guise of a full body checkup which he most definitely doesn't need (bailu’s words) and brings with him the most delicious foods from all over the loufu that bailu loves 😭😭 bailu usually runs away from the commission where she’s strictly kept so this is basically her getting a whole day as a break where she can happily eat all the delicious food as much as she wants and jy also asks about how she’s doing and her health and stuff LIKEEE i swear you think you can't fall more in love with him AND THEN HE PROVES U WRONG 😭😭💔

i'm sorry for rambling too much TT

🤍🤍🤍^ ^ HIHI

ITS A DEER. OOPS. THEY ALREADY NERFED THE DEER ?? NO BC AS SOON AS I SAW “phase 2” AND THE HEALTH WENT UP I WAS LIKE nooooooo stoppp😭😭😭 ur so sweet sjsjsnmdm im glad those posts are fun!! most of my friends in uni don’t play / watch anything so i only have u all to share the chaos with🥺

EEEE AAAAA i’ve been so excited to write for them !! i’m still able to write for wind breaker… but it’s been taking me a lot longer. for hsr i literally cranked out an entire drabble in under an hour— without pausing to take a break and rewatch scenes for inspo or anything !! i had a lot of fun with that one :’) ur so sweet hsmsmsndn ughhh i love you

IM GONNA BE HONEST I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT U SAID ABOUT THE NUMBERS AND STUFF BUT LFGGG 🎉 U GOT HIM THOIGH THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS!! please you’re so cute talking about him like that :’) i have to learn his character for u anon omg. i must. THE SPARROWS SHSMMS he was so gentle with them too !!! and he looked so peaceful gardening n all. so excited. i love your love for him

BAILU? IS THAT THE DRAGON NURSE? i met her i think !!! and are you fr. that is the cutest thing i’ve read all day. an unnecessary full body check up and he brings snacks and gives her a well deserved break ): please ): i love this planet a lot. they’re all so cute

ALSO THANK U FOR TALKING TO ME SJSJMSM YOU’RE SO SWEET. NEVER APOLOGUZE FOR RAMBLING !!! I LOVE TALKING A LOT

[scopophobia-polaris]

Sorry if this is overstepping bc using social media as a Social Platform gives me anxiety so bad i will throw up but like. Oh my god, youre such a creative inspiration??? To me??? Like okay ive been following your zelda stuff for a While and just aaaaa its so good. Like. 1) I love your worldbuilding??? So much??? Your version of Hyrule is the only one I've seen that makes me feel like its a real place where people live and that has a breathing ecosystem and folklore and society and I get so excited whenever I get to learn more about it?? And you made me really emotionally invested in OOT which was just a zelda setting I never thought too much about but now Timey is so near and dear to my heart like. Love their immaculate vibes!!

And just. If youll allow me to gush for a second. You're really good?? At comics??? Like you inspire me to try and work on comics myself bc you're just really good at dialogue and general page pacing and your paneling is so fun like. Idk . i just really like comics as a storytelling medium and you do really fun stuff with your panel composition and how you convey your ideas in illustration and i wish??? I was better at describing it but the world youve built and the story youre telling is just so so impressive to me I think its cool as shit. Also ur OCs rock even as somebody who p much just knows them from Memory of Younger Days I think they are very cool and interesting and I wish I could read a bajillion books about them.

Just like. I love your work a ton!!! And wish i was better at social media use and literacy to better convey it but just. Ur a big inspiration for me to work on my own projects and i think youre pretty amazing at what you do! So. Keep up the good work with whatever youre wanting to do, and also sorry if this comes across as weird!!

NO NO NO there is not an overstepping of boundries!!!!! Honestly thank you a whole bunch like 🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️ I don't know how to explain but I get very worried all the time that stuff isn't going right and it's nice to know when people do like this....thing???? I'm doing??? And I just like knowing....is that weird? But seriously thank you I don't know how to say this in proper words but, I really do genuinely appreciate what you guys reach our and say such kind things and are just so nice😭‼️ and it gives me a billion warm and fuzzy feelings and It's like ah yeas keep working someone is watching you are wanting to keep working so keep going!!!! Its...it's not over stepping at all and thank you 🥺

[matchy-rnl]

hey!! it’s the fic anon who’s writing about your bobert au! just wanted to let you know that im still working on it, and i have a few paragraphs of it for you to read!! :>

it actually gets minorly angsty at one point with the whole “im a robot, one out of thousands, and i am not inherently unique or my own person” sort of philosophy or whatever it’s called that i decided to use. if it doesn’t fit the au or you don’t want it in pls tell me!! im an angst writer so i do it without even realizing sorry :<

“Bobert, despite how much he liked to think otherwise, wasn’t unique. He wasn’t special, by definition he was actually quite the opposite. He was mass-produced alongside thousands of others, each with the same purpose embedded into them. The same mission. Observe, protect, and heal.”

“He’d never seen another Bobert face-to-face, but Gumball had said that was because, ‘they’re all just rich people robot butlers with medical degrees’. He’d then turned to face Bobert, and with flattened ears he tacked on, ‘but not you, Bobert. You’re cool.’

That wasn’t true, despite how Bobert would sometimes let himself believe it.”

“He had the same purpose as any other Bobert, the same automated responses, the same knowledge. And like those thousands of others before him, and the thousands of others to come after, he would complete his mission; observe, protect, and heal.”

“Juke glared at him. He pointed at his head and let out a series of ‘bkk bsh bbbksh’s that Bobert couldn’t understand, even with his highly-advanced multilingual code. The language was too fast-paced, so similar to music that whenever Bobert tried to find out what Juke was saying, he only got beatboxing songs as a result. On the rare chance it translated into the language, it was gibberish.

It was strange, not knowing something, when he was supposed to know everything he’d need to work efficiently. And it was definitely frustrating as well, though not as frustrating as it surely was for Juke.”

also taking the “product that we specifically made to fail so that way we’d uh-“ thing into consideration and wow said intended failure made him SENTIENT!!! and he does in the end learn he’s different and all that!! and he’s special!!! happy ending for the boy!!!

WOWOWEOODOOWWWWW LLOOKBARS U

SHAKES YOU/POS plese I cant wait when ur fic comes out !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, with your problem of worrying, if it doesn't fit with my AU, umm,,, its like kinda familar with the OG show!! But in the Aau bobert is leaning how he acts in the comics cause i said so/silly between that and how Baymax from big hero six is programmed to be igggggggggggg idk

be creative tho, and stick with what you have so far, btwbtw am sure itll turn out great

[aberfaeth]

top five fics (ever. for a fandom/pairing. by people you know. by strangers. whatever u want go crazy) ORRRR top five fob songs bc I know u and ilu and I wanna hear ur thoughts

hi sav. hope you know what you've unleashed here.

TOP FIVE FICS.....EVER

tell me about the big bang (star wars sequel trilogy, Finn/Poe, 37.8k.) i made my mom read this fic and that's not a bit i literally had her read this. and she isn't even a star wars fan. like she's seen tfa but she wasn't even that into it i just made her read this because it's one of humanity's greatest literary achievements and she still brings it up to me in conversation that's how much she enjoyed it. sorry this turned into more of tmatbb being one of my mom's top five fics but yknow. context. anyways i don't want to say too much about it because i don't want to spoil it for anyone who might check it out which Please Do That but suffice to say. it is a work of fucking art and i can only hope to someday write with half the talent nina varela possesses in her pinky finger

darling i'd wait for you, even if you didn't ask me to (the great pretender season 1, Laurent/Makoto, 11k.) swear to god this isn't me sucking up it is still the best gift i have ever received in my life. hey you reading this have you ever conceptualized a fic and went "boy i wish i could feed this into a machine and it would execute the idea perfectly in a way that managed to surprise and delight me as i read it" well you simply must get yourself a sav. because she will do that for you. anyways watch tgp season one literally just to read this fic.

Be Gay; Solve Crime (american vandal, Peter/Sam, 9.2k.) this fic has everything--outsider POV! perfectly in character banter! angie and michael who are real and canon to me! mr fernandez did you eat shit! gay lou carter! do your string thing man! MING, EVEN!!!!!! consider this a rotating spot for the work of my lovely lovely friends in the hanover high AV club, who have churned out some of the bangers of all fucking time which i talked about some of those in a top five ask four calendar years ago

Over & Through (dimension 20 fantasy high, gen, 62.7k.) also made my mom read this. she got the riz chapter first and said it gave her horrifying acid trip dreams. which is honestly so fair. if you are a dimension 20 fan and you haven't read this fic what are you doing. the form is inventive the prose is stunning the characterization is painfully sharp. if you've been watching neverafter going hey i wish this was actually horror READ THIS RIGHT NOW THE HORROR IS IMMACULATE

If You Could Let Me Inside Your Heart (leverage, ot3, 2.5k.) remains my favorite leverage fic of all time and also my favorite group character study. what a lovely premise and executed with such grace and perfect understanding of character and pacing like so much work is done for its length and GOD IS IT ALL GORGEOUS

okay haha onto the fall out boy--JUST KIDDING. I HOPE YOU HAD YOUR WEAPON READY TO TAKE ME OUT BECAUSE ONE TIME I SAID IF I EVER MADE A RECLIST WITHOUT I HATE TO LOOK INTO THOSE EYES AND SEE AN OUNCE OF PAIN YOU WOULD HAVE TO SHOOT ME BECAUSE I'D BE A POD PERSON. SO HERE'S ME DOING THAT, PLEASE READ IT, READ IT NOW. WHAT FANDOM OR PAIRING OR LENGTH? YOU GET TO FIND OUT WHEN YOU CLICK! THAT! LINK!

okay haha onto the fall out boy. so i earnestly did try to come up with my top five fob songs on my own. then i had a breakdown and filled out the whole damn fob song sorter yes all 500 battles. heres my top 25. note the repetition of numbers indicating my inability to make decisions

elaborations on the medal winners:

THE KIDS AREN'T ALRIGHT: when this song came out i was thirteen years old (in middle school) (did not have my own itunes account) (did not have spotify) and as all songs do it was released at midnight (i was thirteen) (supposed to be asleep) (it was a school night) i hid under the covers with my ipod touch on the lowest brightness setting (supposed to be asleep on a school night) midnight arrived and i could not buy the song on itunes because then my parents would get an email about the purchase and know i had stayed up (i was supposed to be asleep) so i just listened to the 30 second preview on itunes for like an hour straight (i cried) (a lot)

THE (SHIPPED) GOLD STANDARD: me for real bc im literally no good at math

(COFFEE'S FOR CLOSERS): also in middle school i used to doodle song lyrics to keep myself focused during class and my history professor was taking a walk around the classroom and spotted my doodle of a little coffee cup with the lyrics "i will never believe in anything again" and went "aw why not," clearly concerned for my mental health and wellbeing. and despite that horribly traumatizing experience, coffee's for closers remains one of my favorite songs in the world. so thats proof that its really very good

OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN THE WORLD: you only hold me up like thiiiiis cause you don't know who i really aAAaaAAAaam

PAVLOVE: sorry its the quirky girl tendencies again. when will they put this on spotify so i can scream my little heart out to I WANT TO MAKE YOU AS LONELY AS MEEEE SO YOU CAN GET GET ADDICTED TO THIS YOU CAN GET GET ADDICTED TO THIS! anyways folie >

now, a disclaimer: this sorter is obviously older than two weeks and thus does not include the songs off SMFS. i feel like recency bias means i can't accurately fit them into the list but i will say that there is no universe in which hold me like a grudge doesn't make top fifteen

if you've reached the end of this post, thanks for going on this journey with me. i meant to be asleep an hour ago. but i did this instead. was it worth it. well whos to say. if you ended up reading IHTLITEASAOOP then yes it was.

[pondslime]

2022 writing wrap up

tagged by my beloved @possumteeths MWAH ILY

Total Words Published: 

30,725

Additional Words Written: 

about 9k of assorted other wips lmao

and about 4k for a random non-fic writing project that I kinda......abandoned......but maybe we’ll pick it back up idk

Grand Total of Words: 

about 44,000!

Fandoms:

house of wax exclusively. smh. bc I lost my mind in october over it and have published nothing BUT content for it

however!! I would love to branch out eventually and write some other shit lmao!!

I have a bride of chucky fic in the works and I’d love to dabble into other slashers PERHAPS

none of them own this ass quite like those wax losers UNFORTUNATELY

Highest Everything (raw kudos, hits, comments):

it’s my first HOW fic, poacher’s dream...which is a categorically nasty and weird lil house of wax oneshot about bo sinclair bein nasty w/beer bottles.

glad to know that all of u are intrigued @ the thought of being debased w/a budweiser bottle by this hick loser bc same tbh

Highest Kudos to Hits Ratio:

pumpkin guts! a silly lil halloween romp in which the reader carves pumpkins with the worst men in america! spooky!

New Things I Tried:

x reader fics lol!! I never thought I'd write anything in that format! tbqh, I didn't think I'd return to writing fanfic at all! bc for years I’ve had this cycle of getting into something, writing one (1) fic for it, losing all interest in fic writing, and disappearing off the face of whatever fandom I scuttled into lmao

seems like the only thing that motivates me to semi-regularly post fics is the concept of screwing the vilest fictional men?? interesting!! I love my neurological functions

Fic I Spent the Most Time On:

it feels like it was sanguine lmao

I wrote 9.5k words of weird cerebral EDGING porn for this deranged elvis impersonator and his mechanic LARP

I really did 

and it’s 100% the least accessible of my fics bc it’s Peculiar™. but when I tell u I sat and absolutely labored over that fic rfhsdjwjfedskrfjwds

I put a lot of time and energy into it and it knocked 7391932 years off my life tbh

Favorite Thing I Wrote:

something borrowed! 

I think it’s the strongest fic in my catalogue tbh. Just pacing/format-wise. I really like the overall structure and tone! It’s this strange little foray into Bo’s demented little pea brain and has several scenes I love a lot 

I’m also very fond of miss ambrose, my lester fic! it’s just GOOFY fluffy nonsense!!! I had SO MUCH fun writing it 

Favorite Thing I Read:

everything LITERALLY EVERTHING that my fuckin INCREDIBLY talented friend @possumteeths​/ @raccoonspooky​ wrote!! like I’m actively trying to narrow down my favorite and I am having the most DIFFICULT time bc they are all works of fuckin art lmao

I literally just reread obedient dogs the other day. go read that. have u read the SOUL SHATTERING and AWARD WINNING they'll pay you a thousand for a kiss & .50 for your soul ?? HAVE U?? BESTIE if U HAVE NOT??? 

basically, go gargle down all of poki’s content idk man IT’S ALL SO GOOD 

@visceravalentines​ wrote THIS incredible piece and it made me clinically fuckin insane. edit: AND THIS ONE. HOLY SHIT. I have reread both of these 7382817983 times!!! meg ily!! u just wait I’m gonna attack ur masterlist like a frenzied bear after a long winter hibernation I swear

regrettably, I didn’t consume a ton of fic this year!! granted, I only got into this fandom in october so I have time to catch up lmao!! definitely plan to have a more extensive list next year 

Writing goals for 2023:

write more nonsensical insanity and just have fun lmao

as for concrete plans!! I’d love to write a whole series of x readers with horror ladies (final girl/villain/what have u)! carly and tiff are already on that list, but if you have any other ideas, I’m all ears! I need to brush through my horror lady mental catalogue and give them some ao3 rights lmao!

New Works:

The previously mentioned Carly x Reader fic! It’s been my super self-indulgent brainchild for the past couple months, and I love it a lot! I really want to hammer it out this month and toss it out into the internet void......but we shall see. 

If only I can get the weevil that is Ho Binclair out of my goddamn scriv doc..........speaking of him.......................

☢️💥🤡 I’ve got 37171984918342 Bo WIP’s bopping around my skull at all times yikes🤡💥☢️

I don’t need those. u don’t need those. I’ve already written enough for this man. what else is there 2 say!!! and yet

I’m also writing bits and pieces of this multi-chaptered Vincent slowburn. that will be out..............................at some time? in the future jfrdsjhrjhwfdskrwfds who knows

tagging the writer moots that I haven't already seen tagged!! no stress of course mwah 

@visceravalentines, @venus-haze​

also consider urself tagged if u read 2 the bottom of this hell post 

[kuiinncedes]

big baby rant teehee :]]]]

am i just naive and dumb and delusional to have absolutely no plan for the future ,make dumb decisions like staying in my college city next yr w no job lined up, apply for jobs w the intention of staying in that city, not apply for jobs w all that much urgency or motivation, have this interview and tell them i cant relocate next yr which my mom thinks was the worst offense ever apparently, and fucked myself over and idk why she started yelling but i was like well i'm fucking myself over leave me alone basically

i don't even fucking care jfc whatever but when everything is telling me that this was a bad decision am i fucking dumb to still be like i think i can get a job for next year remote or in this city what the fuck i don't even fucking care rn whatever she can fucking deal with it i'm being a fuckup

i'm gonna still fucking apply for jobs ffs idk like do i fucking need to tell her everything abt my fucking job search why did i even tell her abt hte relocation thing i didn't even want to tell my parents i had a fucking interveiw today but i had to tell my dad since he was home today and ig he told her i shouldve just like said it was whatever when they asked and then said they rejected me like the other one

i'm gonna keep fucking applying idk what fucking choice i have but also like the one part of me that's like whats the fucking point idk why i was rejected the last time not that i htink i was perfect for the position but how am i supposed to do anything better and improve anything and actually get a job

it feels like i'm just submitting resumes to no response and writing cover letters for no reason and getting interviews and stressing and preparing for them and im just gonna get rejected so what's the point

ig i need to have a better mindset abt it like i'm not that like That hopeless abt it ig but now it feels like i'm being naive and overly not rly confident but like . indifferent abt it

idk fuck this whole thing i feel like my mom judges me for everything i'm doing w job search so when she asks me abt stuff i get super sensitive and annoyed and i don't want to tell her which idk if that's fair bc ig she wants to know what i'm doing but idk man like why do i need to tell her TT

this is why i don't wnat to stay here even tho she's like y dont u just stay at home no ones gonna bother u like bro UR gonna bother me when u come home from work u know who's gonna bother me at my apartment ACTUALLY no one or i can work at a nice campus building or cafe and be around my friends

i just don't have the fucking energy and motivation and skill to somehow be one of those ppl who applies for 2384963948732 jobs a day but i feel like i need to be doing that whatever i'm still like i think i can get a job but am i just dumb for being somewhat optimistic abt it still lmfao TT everyone saying the job market for like cs adjacent stuff is shit rn and it's not like i'm an incredible candidate and maybe i've just had stuff easy in the past where i've gotten into good college and shit and gotten good grades

what the fuck am i even talking abt anymore lmfao u know what im gonna shut up and send in some resumes to things that dont need cover letters and idk ugh i just want my parents to stop talking to me abt job search lowkey just let me figure it out and do it at my own pace but is that dumb also whatever i'm going back to campus tmrw and can i just stay for a long time :l and i HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY WOWOWOWOW MOM R U PROUD R U LISTENING

what the fuck is the problem if i dont relocate ppl job search w the intention of not relocating right

i may be delusional thinking that i'll get a job but that's better than the alternative i think :DDDDD

[no-psi-nan]

Yeah, can you imagine someone telling you that you're their soulmate, which seems ridiculous at first, but then the more time you spend with them, the more it seems to be true, until you really love them, and then they find someone else??

Saiki is the closest and most open to Aiura out of all of the cast, except possibly for Toritsuka, by the end of the series. He agrees to go on dates with her and trusts her with the lives of everyone on the planet and willingly carries her around bridal style and trusts her to behave around him and his clones.

That's a lot of progress considering he only knows her for 2 years by the end of the series, that's way less than anyone else (though perhaps on par with Akechi, but he has childhood friend privilege lol). He warmed up to her fast!

But if he doesn't keep opening up, if he tries to keep her at arms' length for years and years, there's definitely a chance that Aiura will either second-guess her read of his tsundereness (remember, she can see everyone's emotions EXCEPT his or when he's around, so without that confirmation, she might doubt herself) or she'll get tired of waiting and decide that either he'll come around when he's ready or that the old prediction doesn't hold the same meaning anymore.

But up until then, she'll respect Saiki's boundaries and try to court him at his own pace, taking him out on dessert dates, helping him with whatever psychic errand he's got going on, visiting him and his family, inviting him to different activities either in private or with other friends. Saiki will let her get closer and closer, allow her to hang off of him like Toritsuka does but not ever really reciprocating, admitting to gratitude or admiration on occasion, sometimes doing his own psychic favor for her and helping her help other people without getting in danger.

Then when Saiki's finally warmed up to the idea of spending his life with Aiura, to waking up every day with someone funny and cheerful and full of life who cares deeply for him and the world, who accepts him as his whole self, and whose powers compliment his own... Aiura announces that she started dating someone and that she thinks they're the one.

Saiki: [What about... What about the soulmate thing?]

Aiura: Huh? Oh the soulmate prediction lol. Yeah we changed the timeline a bunch of times after that fixing the volcano and shit lol, that pred is way past its expiration date XD. You know that changing the timeline changes the future obvs! We were soulmates then, and fixed the volcano, but things r totes diff now! I bet ur suuuuper relieved lmao! Not gonna bother ya with romance shit anymore~~ Just besties 4eva now, I prommy!!

Then Saiki's forced to realize that he lost his chance. That people won't wait around forever for him. That he can be replaced.

And that's gonna be REALLY tough for him (or anyone) to bounce back from.

Unrequited mikosai hits diff sometimes