#and i know i could instacart but it’s kind of impossible to do on the weekdays And it’s expensive

[teruthecreator]

MAN -__-

[blissfullybloomed]

Yeah, it's been a while, but today felt like the right day to write again. I missed it. 

So let's get all the updates out of the way since my last post(Dec 2023). Oh man…it's a lot. 

I spent New Years with my boyfriend(yeah we're still a thing), and his best friend. Had to go home early though…cause like…im old, and we work in the mornings. 

February I picked up a few extra gig jobs to pay off school. I delivered for Instacart, Spark, Shipt, and Amazon Flex. While working two other jobs. I had to pay it off and I was tired of waiting for money to just appear….cause that's totally not a thing. 

March was my man's birthday! The first one I got to spend with him. Gifts that I got him don't matter…like i'm not gonna sit here and list them off…just his face was all i needed. That look of just you didn't have to do that..but he was glad I did. 

I started therapy to heal from a relationship with a family member that I actually never really understood until very recently. I'm learning that , in the words of Taylor Swift, “Hi, it's me , I'm the problem”- I know that now. I know a lot now actually. 

Started reading a book that has helped immensely with my healing as well. I won't mention the title in this blog as it's specific to one person in my life…but I will say this: No one is perfect, no matter the title they hold in your life. Additionally titles don't mean shit. We're all human and that's the only title I care about…unless you're an alien…then like, can we be friends. 

The Medical Board of Ohio gave me my massage license, and I have signed a lease for my own business and actually have two clients ( sister and friend.) Yeah…Blissfully Bloomed is actually a real , tangible thing now. 

I moved in with my boyfriend. Yup, the WHOLE sentence! It's been about 3 weeks , and let's just say we are slowly adjusting to the new. The animals are a little testy, but we love them all.Spray bottles are in every room now. LOL!  He has been incredible throughout the entire process. I even know how to plug my tire now. He is patient, and kind. Even on days…i don't want to be human…he is still right there. I will tell you this- I never knew love could feel this deep…this solid…this safe. He truly is the person I was supposed to find. Someone in my life once told me a long time ago,  “he has brought back what the locust stole”- When it was told to me the first time it didn't make sense, and in hindsight…I know why it didn't make sense. Now…I understand the phrase…I understand what a healthy and honest relationship looks like. I understand that MEN operate completely differently when they too feel safe and understood.  I love you like crazy baby. 

I started a solid vitamin regimen…and boy oh boy has it helped immensely. My anxiety only peaks during stress, and unknown areas of my life now. It's not at the forefront anymore. Vitamins, therapy, massage, counseling, coloring, legoing, and being surrounded by motivated individuals who only want to better themselves have been the key to my success. Sure I have days just like everyone else where I just don't wanna. But as my boyfriend says”it's allowed, just have to find a balance”- So i'm working on it…BUT vitamins are so good! 

So I think that covers it for the updates…Lets chat about whats to come! 

Moving through all of the above has required high energy and focus to obtain a goal. The focus was definitely fueled by my sister jessica. My sister was the entire inspiration to become a Massage Therapist. What's crazy…I had a client last week…she was a nurse at Nationwide in the pediatric unit….I think she would have worked with Jess at some point, and she was on MY table. Small world sometimes ya know. 

Massage gave me my heart back and I've said that since school…you can't be heartless and be a massage therapist. It's impossible. We comfort through the power of touch. We calm anxiety, recirculate blood to all the necessary parts of your body, we hold space for others to relax. Coming from someone that was very very selfish in her past life…to be able to have people on my table is a gift I will always attribute to my sister Jess. Man do I miss her. What I wouldn't give to wheel her into my massage studio and give her some relaxation for a brief moment. She showed me native american flute music too. I love ya sis. We all do. You can come visit me anytime anywhere. I love you. 

Okay well, on that note…I'm crying. So I think it's a good time to get ready for the day. I have three clients. One of which lost their mother last week. Like I said, massage is so powerful. It truly brings joy and I am able to give joy to others now. What an absolute gift. 

Thanks for listening to my ted talk- see ya on the flippity flip! 

[mmm-amba]

i haven't brushed my teeth yet

it's such a luxury to be able to write while recovering from covid. it's such a luxury to have the time to rest and the access to medicine/vaccines so that recovering from covid is kind of a piece of cake. also things like instacart and food delivery make things nice. yesterday was my first time ordering from chinatown.

it's end of march, and i haven't felt this relaxed since winter break. i guess that's the nature of graduate school. graduate school is such a careful balance of working hard enough to do all that you can, but not being burnt out. it's truly operating at the production price frontier:

except mentally. it's really not good mentally. last night i was pretty relaxed -- i mean, i'm sick, so yes i am going to fall behind. i was waiting for my symptoms to improve before i started to do hardcore work again. and i could finally hear myself think and... i dislike the mental toll of graduate school on me. if i'm living a lifestyle where i'm literally unable to relax, it's natural for me to internalize things like i'm not deserving of relaxing. if i'm living a lifestyle in which i'm unable to communicate my ideas because there's such an ocean of information and i'm just frozen, then it's also natural for me to internalize that my ideas don't matter, don't need to be communicated. that my questions don't need to be engaged with.

i think i'm living very much a structural problem, wherein the individuals are great and kind and lovely, but structurally it's impossible for me to feel like i'm enough in any possible facet. one good thing, though, is that when i TA for classes, i feel smart -- academically smart and also emotionally smart. some of the students here are so magnificently rude and entitled, it is such a waste of the academic system. why have a degree if you're just going to be a little [blank] [blank] who harangues the TA for the answer? maybe it would be better to hold in-person office hours so they are less [blank]-y. (i have redacted some of my adjectives to be safe, haha.)

one idea is to have a nice morning routine to ease into my day. the morning routine can include things like meditation and yoga. like an hour or two at the start of my day so that i don't wake up in a panic with dread flooding my body. :( i'm not even trying to be humorously dramatic but that is how i wake up. i didn't realize it was a problem until i verbalized it recently!

another idea with the morning routine is to include writing in it. (also, i need to include responding to people in my morning routine it's just that it makes me so anxious lmao.) my ideal morning routine is unstructured, more like i hav time in the day to do a collection of things; some days i can do yoga and meditate, other days i can write and do some stretches in bed. etc.

have i told this to anyone? but i want to write a book. i think it'd be cool. i have no idea the logistics or feasibility of this but i mean there's tons of text here. i guess i'll first try writing a draft and then start worrying about the logistics? i mean, the point is that i write a lot and i write quite easily and i like writing. so this idea is a start, and maybe it's an end too, but who cares. i think doing step 1 will illuminate what step 2 is, and maybe step 2 is okay it's not going anywhere. but just because i don't know step 2 shouldn't preclude me from embarking on step 1. because at the end of the day i like writing. chatgpt be damned!

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Pluralistic: 07 Mar 2020 (audio from Canada Reads Kelowna, gig economy spreads Covid-19, Intel's security chip is insecure, Barnes and Noble gets a savior)

Today's links

Audio from last night's Canada Reads event in Kelowna: Thanks to Sarah Penton for being such a great interviewer!

Gig economy drivers won't get sick-pay if they have covid-19 symptoms: Your Instacart driver is being incentivized to handle your food through his fever-sweats.

Compromise threatens Intel's chip-within-a-chip: A bug in the Management Engine threatens five years' worth of Intel systems.

The savior of Waterstones will turn every B&N into an indie: James Daunt has opened 60 profitable stores in his career.

This day in history: 2015, 2019

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

Audio from last night's Canada Reads event in Kelowna (permalink)

Last night I sat down for an interview and lively Q&A at the Kelowna Public Library with the CBC's Sarah Penton as part of the Canada Reads national book prize, for which my book Radicalized is a finalist. Courtney Dickson was kind enough to send me raw audio from the board and to give me permission to post it. It was a genuinely wonderful night, with great and thoughtful questions, and I'm really glad that I get to share it with you!

https://archive.org/download/canadareadskelownadoctorowpenton/Canada_Reads_Kelowna_Doctorow_Penton.mp3

Gig economy drivers won't get sick-pay if they have covid-19 symptoms (permalink)

The gig economy workers who deliver your @amazon packages are not entitled to sick pay if they think they have covid-19 and want to stay home, rather than delivering contaminated boxes to you.

https://onezero.medium.com/keep-your-car-clean-gig-companies-offer-little-support-during-coronavirus-outbreak-cf6c55cca8a8

It's not just Amazon Flex drivers who are being tacitly incentivized by rapacious, giant corporations to show up for work sick. Your Lyft and Instacart drivers are all being given a stark choice: work sick or go broke.

As Sarah Emerson speculates in her One Zero piece, this depraved indifference is likely an epiphenomenon of gig economy companies' urge to preserve the fiction that their workers are contractors, not employees. Contractors don't get sick leave, after all.

"[Amazon is ] basically threatening that I'll be out of work if I have any symptoms of being sick, coronavirus or not, but no protections and no offers for help in the event it happens" – Jeff Perry, Amazon Flex/Uber driver, Sacramento

Lyft's advice to drivers: "disinfect your car" and avoid passengers who appear sick.

As outrage over this policy went viral, Uber reversed its earlier stance and announced that it would offer up to 14 days of "compensation" for some drivers.

https://twitter.com/MikeIsaac/status/1236126626028507136

Compromise threatens Intel's chip-within-a-chip (permalink)

A new showstopper Intel bug compromises the Converged Security and Management Engine, the computer-within-a-computer that Intel uses for a variety of purposes, some beneficial (detecting malware), some terrible (shutting out free software).

https://blog.ptsecurity.com/2020/03/intelx86-root-of-trust-loss-of-trust.html

The Management Engine has long been controversial. It's designed to reach into your RAM and tinker with it in a way that, by design, the CPU can't detect or prevent. This is deliberate: it lets the management engine monitor and disrupt malware.

https://boingboing.net/2016/06/15/intel-x86-processors-ship-with.html

But of course, if your Management Engine itself is compromised, then – by design – the part of the computer that you control can neither monitor it, nor prevent it from doing malicious work. In 2017, a ghastly ME bug showed how risky this was.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2017/05/intels-management-engine-security-hazard-and-users-need-way-disable-it

It's especially bad because ME security is, in part, security through obscurity: Intel barely documents ME function and doesn't permit outside auditing. To make everything worse, there's no way to fully disable it. So ME bugs keep on surfacing, each worse than the last. Here's 2018's:

https://press.f-secure.com/2018/01/12/intel-amt-security-issue-lets-attackers-bypass-login-credentials-in-corporate-laptops/

Which brings me to the new vuln: PT Security shows an early stage attack on the boot ROM, that allows for recovery of a master key that is used to generate all the other keys in the system. It's a deep bug that could potentially compromise all the downstream operations. It's only a partial attack (so far). The key needs to be decrypted to be usable, but the researchers say it's only a matter of time – and they point out that the key is shared across years' worth of Intel processors.

This compromise (when it comes) has profound implications for DRM, which is intrinsically brittle in that it's "break once, break everywhere." Once content is extracted from a DRM wrapper on a compromised system, it can be shared and played back on intact ones. DRM system designers try to address this with tactics like "renewability" and "selectable output control" that allows DRM systems to detect which systems they're running on and refuse to operate if they believe they might be compromised.

This is a thermonuclear option that could make DRM unviable forever. It means that if you had the misfortune to buy an Intel system during the five years that they were manufactured with this defect, you could lose the ability to play content you've already paid for.

Not because you hacked your system, but because you could. DRM is and always has been a timebomb, ticking down to the moment that execs in a distant boardroom decide to nerf or brick your property. The temptation to downgrade your customers' property to up your profits is irresistible.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2016/09/what-hp-must-do-make-amends-its-self-destructing-printers

But customers don't like getting punished for "doing the right thing." If media companies cancel playback for purchased content on affected Intel systems, they won't be targeting pirates (who get their media DRM-free), but people who deliberately chose to pay.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we don't get fooled again." -GWB

Punishing legit customers to get at pirates is a surefire way to make more pirates.

"Might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb."

The savior of Waterstones will turn every B&N into an indie (permalink)

A great hero of British bookselling is James Daunt, the founder of Daunt Books, whose flagship store is literally the most beautiful bookstore I've ever been to.

https://dauntbooks.co.uk/shops/marylebone/

Daunt took over Waterstones in 2011 and rescued it. The chain now runs as a string of indies, with no co-op promotion – instead, the booksellers in each shop choose which books they promote based on local taste. Corporate HQ chooses a book of the month and a book every year for chainwide promotion, but they do so on the basis of their enjoyment of the book – not because a publisher pays them for promo.

The new Waterstones stores are spectacular. There were always some great ones (the Waterstones in Bradford rivals the main Daunt books for beauty), but the vibe and experience of shopping at a post-Daunt Waterstones is a million times better than before. And new shops like the one in Tottenham Court Road really embody what a bookstore can be. The event I did there in 2017 with Laurie Penny was one of the best I've ever done in the UK.

https://www.waterstones.com/events/cory-doctorow-in-conversation-with-laurie-penny/london-tottenham-court-road

The good news is that Daunt is now running Barnes & Noble, which has been struggling and worse – pulling desperate moves like laying off all their most experienced booksellers to lower payroll costs, which is obviously a catastrophic mistake. And Daunt's public plan for BN – America's last major chain bookstore – is to replicate what he did with Waterstones. Let the stores run like indies, with local control by experienced booksellers who know and care about their customers' tastes.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2020-03-04/barnes-noble-wants-to-be-more-like-an-indie-bookseller

He's ending co-op promotion, featuring books that the booksellers choose, not books that publishers pay to promote. He's reversing the focus on non-bookstore SKUs (sunglasses, puzzles and scented candles) in favor of, you know…books. They're shrinking CDs and DVDs and expanding kids' books, laying the ground for a new generation of readers, and they're cleaning up, repainting, and generally repairing years of neglect that have given some of the stores the vibe of an abandoned K-Mart.

They're also opening new stores, targeting places that don't have any bookstores (as opposed to places where indie stores have kept the faith and continued to serve their communities). He's shooting for 1,500 stores nationwide. It's superb news for a nation where bookselling has been imperilled for decades. On every tour stop, I always insist that my media escort take me to every B&N in town to sign stock and meet the booksellers. As a recovering bookseller myself, it's one of the great pleasures of the tours. Bookstores are community hubs, and were key to my own literary upbringing. This is just delightful news.

(Image: RachelH_, CC BY-NC)

This day in history (permalink)

#5yrsago Improving the estimate of US police killings https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/a-new-estimate-of-killings-by-police-is-way-higher-and-still-too-low/

#1yrago Ajit Pai has been touting new broadband investment after he murdered Net Neutrality, but he's been relying on impossible data from a company called Barrierfree https://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2019/03/ajit-pais-rosy-broadband-deployment-claim-may-be-based-on-gigantic-error/

#1yrago The EU hired a company that had been lobbying for the Copyright Directive to make a (completely batshit) video to sell the Copyright Directive https://twitter.com/Senficon/status/1103582295523553280?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

#1yrago The "Tragedy of the Commons" was invented by a white supremacist based on a false history, and it's toxic bullshit https://twitter.com/mmildenberger/status/1102604887223750657

#1yrago It's on: House Democrats introduce their promised Net Neutrality legislation https://www.cnet.com/news/democrats-introduce-save-the-internet-act-to-restore-net-neutrality/

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: The Verge (https://www.theverge.com), Wired (https://wired.com), Slashdot (https://slashdot.org).

Hugo nominators! My story "Unauthorized Bread" is eligible in the Novella category and you can read it free on Ars Technica: https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

Upcoming appearances:

Museums and the Web: March 31-April 4 2020, Los Angeles. https://mw20.museweb.net/

LA Times Festival of Books: 18 April 2020, Los Angeles. https://events.latimes.com/festivalofbooks/

Currently writing: I'm rewriting a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I'm also working on "Baby Twitter," a piece of design fiction also set in The Lost Cause's prehistory, for a British think-tank. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel afterwards.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: Disasters Don't Have to End in Dystopias: https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/01/disasters-dont-have-to-end-in-dystopias/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020.

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a very special, s00per s33kr1t intro.

[averywhittaker]

avery grace whittaker ( fc : heather baron-gracie ) 22 years old from jonesboro, georgia and has lived in atlanta for 18 years . currently working as grocery shopper / delivery with InstaCart [ kit , 25 , mst ] | @atlanta-rpgstarters​

pronouns: she/her

theme: [Didn’t know what I was in for] - “Sometimes it feels like that song could have been written about me. It’s unnerving, you know? But it’s fine, it’s a good song so I don’t really mind too much...”

Why the name Avery Grace? 

“I’m not really sure. I like it though. Avery means elf king but it also reminds me of the word aviary, you know, one of those cages they keep birds in? I like that imagery. I am a cage of birds...”

Ethnicity: white

Enneagram: 4

Relationship Status: Dating, long distance “My girlfriend still lives in Auburn. She says she wants to come out for Thanksgiving but I don’t think she will. There’s too much going on in Auburn and anyway she just opened a little shop and she’s focused on that...”

Sexual Orientation: level 5 on the kinsey scale (mostly gay) “I’ve always had a couple of exceptions -- my first boyfriend, for example. I loved him, I really did. But I’m mostly gay.”

Appearance 

There’s a pageantry to how Avery dresses and she knows it. She’s never really fit into the crowds of Atlanta (at least not in the circles she runs in) but she doesn’t mind. Instead of trying to avoid that, though, she embraces it now. Atlanta might not have the emo culture of the midwest but Avery tries to bring it in as much as she can.

Avery wears a lot of dark colors, creepers, heavy eye makeup and other things that make her mother gasp. She loves her black lipstick and her black velvet. She would deny being goth though as that is a subculture and she only dresses it. She doesn’t live it.

Personality:

“Avery’s cool. She’s smart and I think that makes her sad. She watches and notices every bad thing in this world and I think it just kind of left her dejected. It’s like she feels like she has to save the world and I can’t make her not get that.” Guinevere, Avery’s girlfriend

Has severe major depressive disorder

Dissociates a lot due to the depression

Feels like she should solve every hurt in the world but genuinely doesn’t know how to 

Definitely a little bit of a mother hen

Writer of poetry and poetic? Journal entries

Super observant. She notices a lot.

Down to try almost anything

Very spacey

Supportive of her friends

Struggles to follow through with things

Avery has always been sad. She’s been sad as long as she can remember. Her sad is a deep rooted and chronic. As a visual thinker, she pictures her brain as a little coastal town filled with bluegrey ocean fog. Sometimes the sun comes out enough to dissipate the fog and she is happy but it always comes back. The fog and the gloomy mood that accompanies it always return in time. It’s the only thing she’s ever known.

It’s hard to tell Avery has depression unless she tells you. She’s incredibly good at presenting as well adjusted. Her biggest tells are how spacey she seems and how exhausted she often looks.

Avery often feels Unreal or like her entire life has been a lie or a dream. Something about her feels entirely Artificial to herself but she can never place it. All she knows is that once, when she was drunk, she didn’t recognize herself in the mirror. She was a stranger even to herself that night. Something about that strikes her as oddly poetic but she isn’t sure she can capture that idea in writing.

When her depression eases up, she’s actually pretty fun to be around. She’s a little bit of a mother hen (though simultaneously needs to be taken care of) and can be incredibly charming when she wants to be. she’s a creative thinker and always has her pen and notebook on her to write (just in case a thought strikes her) and she’s carried it for as long as she can remember.

Hobbies:

writing (well)

playing guitar (poorly)

reading

napping

art. this tends to be in a style reminiscent to Jenny Holzer of written word meets visual medium.

History:

tw: depression, suicidal ideation/attempt, mental hospitalization

Avery can remember being little and watching the birds fly away and wishing she had wings to join them. When her mother read her Peter Pan for the first time she remembers closing her eyes and praying for Peter to come teach her how to fly. She kept her window open for a year after that, praying every night to the stars for Peter to come take her adventuring. Ever since that moment she’s been longing to escape Jonesboro and go somewhere beautiful and new and not home. 

She knows feeling out of place is normal, especially in adolescence. She knows what she’s experiencing isn’t some great oddity only reserved for a select few. But Avery has always had a knack for feeling alone even in the biggest crowds. She remembers being young and going to her dads workplace (in the bowels of Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport) and watching what felt like thousands of people bustling through trying to get to their connection or their luggage or anywhere else. And she remembers feeling distinctly alone even surrounded by a crowd of more than 260,000 daily passengers. 

All throughout her childhood, she swore she was leaving leaving Jonesboro as soon as college hit. Leaving wouldn’t fix her sad and she knew that but at least she would be somewhere new and get to experience something new. 

Every English program she applied for in high school was out of state. The day she was accepted to Auburn University was the happiest day of her life. It wasn’t her top school (she didn’t have the grades for her top school) but she was still getting out. She was escaping. And she was never looking back, as far as she was concerned. Avery didn’t even come back during the breaks. She got a job at the Auburn University Club as a pool attendant during the summers and worked inside the club during the rest of the year. 

She managed through her first year of school, struggled through her second, drowned during her third year, and failed her final year. 

In hindsight it was silly and preventable. She got too tied up in world events and it drove her to a mental hospital. She was too ensnared by the brutal images of dying children on the news and couldn’t make herself look away. It felt like she would be killing them personally or like their deaths would go unmourned by the west if she didn’t watch and witness and cry for them. The stress of worrying for those you cannot save drove her depression into an all new low. She tried to kill herself and landed in the hospital. Unfortunately, it coincided with finals (she wonders now if that’s part of why it impacted her so much – she was already at her breaking point from school) and she failed all of them. She was placed on academic probation and warned that if she didn’t pull her grades up she would be expelled.

She didn’t pull her grades up. 

Instead the depression hit even harder after her hospitalization and she failed her second semester all together. She didn’t mean to. It was just impossible to focus on her homework. Avery tried to ignore the expulsion and her depression and just focus on her job and her girlfriend but that was easier said than done.

Every time she was at work she got vivid fantasies of throwing herself in the pool, taking a deep breath underwater and just getting it over with. She was able to swallow the fantasies over the summer. When the new semester started and she was reminded of her failure, they became even more vivid and she eventually confessed what was happening out loud.

Her girlfriend pushed her to leave work and take time off to focus on her mental health. Avery resisted. She didn’t think she would be able to find another job and not finding work meant she would have to go home. 

Eventually, she gave in and agreed. Her parents let her move back home for the foreseeable future while she tries to get her depression under control. She couldn’t continue to afford Auburn without a job.

She’s been home since the end of September but she’s only just now reintegrating herself with the town. She spent October mostly in bed sleeping until her dad kicked her out one day with the instructions “Come home when you have a job interview.”

She wasn’t able to get one but she did sign up to shop and deliver for InstaCart. It gives her something to do, at least, even if the money isn’t good. 

Health:

Physically, Avery is pretty healthy. She has a mild dustmite allergy that can make reading old books hard but otherwise she seems like she comes from solid stock.

[creaturebehavior]

i’m not gonna lie i keep thinking about drinking. my brain keeps telling me it wants to drink. which is always so annoying because i never really even liked drinking that much because it makes me incredibly sick and hungover for like two days every time. but since it’s the most common way that the average person gets fucked up, i always see so much stuff about people drinking and it makes me wish i could drink too. and my addict brain keeps on lying to me and telling me that it wouldn’t be a big deal if i drank because “drinking wasn’t my thing” but i KNOW for a FACT because of EXPERIENCE that even though drinking isn’t my thing, every time i consume drugs or alcohol it makes me crave more and it causes obsession of the mind which causes me to compulsively binge. and i know that anytime i consume something that’s “not really my thing” all that does is cause me to crave the drugs that are really my thing and then i binge on those.

it’s fucking baffling that the disease of addiction is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it

everyone around me smokes weed and drinks. and as much as i don’t want to ruin my life again and as much as i don’t want to die, my brain tries to hide the facts and the truths from me, and does everything it can to convince me to get fucked up again. this disease is designed to kill. it’s terrifying. if i am not vigilant, i will die by this disease whether i want to or not.

my sponsee won’t call me. so i’m considering the both of us fired. she’s not my sponsee, and i’m not her sponsor. i can’t sponsor someone who doesn’t want this.

something has to change. my sponsor has grown and developed and she still goes to 12 step meetings but she isn’t really sponsoring anyone anymore. she’s still kind of my sponsor and is a solid spiritual support system, but i need to find another woman to take me through the steps again i think. or maybe i just need to sponsor someone right now. maybe both. but i can’t tell that just going to meetings isn’t enough

i know i am not going to pick up, but it scares me sometimes how easy it would be to do again. especially alcohol. every time my mom brings alcohol into the house my brain gets so weird we have guests here this weekend, my mom’s girlfriend’s sister and her husband and their kids. and i wouldn’t have even known they were drinking but i got a message from instacart because we share an account and they got beer and jack daniels. i was already thinking about alcohol a lot this weekend.

it’s ridiculous to me how easy it would be to slip, and how nearly impossible it always is to get back up

last year, i made a decision. i had never made that decision before. i thought i had before, but i was just making resolutions. last year, i made a decision. to decide is to cut off, if you look at the origin of the word. it wasn’t wishy washy anymore. i made a decision to stop using drugs and alcohol. i cut them out of my life completely, meaning, it is not an option for me anymore. not at all. i do everything i can to remain aware of this decision. i have a disease that is designed to make me forget.

i care about myself and i care about my life. things are going so well. i don’t know if i will ever understand why this disease makes people get tight at exactly the wrong time, but i will always understand that it does just that. things go well and we can’t bear it. maybe it’s because we feel we don’t deserve it, or it’s uncomfortable to have no problems because we’re not used to it we feel more comfortable in chaos and conundrum, or we’re so nervous we’re gonna fuck things up that our subconscious causes us to fuck up just to get it over with because the worrying about it feels worse than the outcome of fucking up again “like we always do”. i’m sure there’s many reasons, and maybe it’s different for everyone.

things are going so well, and my disease is progressive. that’s why i have to work hard and take my spiritual medicine. and hand it over to god. because it’s way too big to do this on my own. i have to stay sober. the only way to do it is one day at a time, one moment at a time sometimes.

i’m learning to share out loud more. i don’t know how to get into the middle of the herd here. but i show up. and i participate. i hope as i get more comfortable i will naturally move toward the middle. i don’t want to get picked off by the wolf i haven’t been feeding because i remain an outsider.

i get through every difficult moment, and i refuse to take that first drink or drug. and i pray that all i do is enough to prevent that mental lapse, and continue to recoil from drugs and alcohol like a hot flame.

[skyking91]

Discord thread featuring: Sky & @parkerjones

When: March 28th, 2021

Mentions: @charlie-kingsboro

TW: mentions of foster care system and childhood trauma

Description: parker and sky talk about sky’s time in foster care and sky offers assistance with charlie and parker’s foster kids. parker invites sky over for dinner

ParkerBOT — 03/28/2021

Parker juggled the groceries in her arms, too stubborn to get a basket. She had only come there for a couple of things and she promised herself she wouldn’t over shop. I’m just hungry. She thought to herself. Parker found the last few items and picked up a candy bar for Charlie before heading to the register. Accidentally bumping shoulders with someone on the way she looked over. “Hey, so sorry about that.” She said with a small smile.

[

12:21 PM

]

@everyoneMarch 30, 2021

Sky.BOT — 03/30/2021

The last thing Sky needed at the supermarket right now was being bumped into. She was already having a terrible day. This is why she preferred to instacart. But she was literally passing Whole Foods on her way home from her audition so she literally had no excuse. She had learned her lesson though. Always instacart. She nearly dropped the oranges she had been picking and putting in her reusable produce bag when she felt Parker bump into her. In typical Sky fashion, she let out a very heavy sigh. But she knew Parker and she knew that Parker didn't mean it maliciously. How could she be mad at her anyway? "S'alright, I suppose. Hey, where did you find those herbs?" She asked when she looked into the other's basket. @Hale ~ ParkerMarch 31, 2021

ParkerBOT — 03/31/2021

“How’s it going Sky?” Parker asked with a smile, she liked bumping into friends she hadn’t seen in a while. “You’re looking fabulous as always.” She complimented. “Oh, well I got the fresh ones from the produce section but I got these guys from the spice section.” She picked up a bottle of dried herbs from her basket. “They’re great in anything, seriously from Mac n Cheese to Fish to Tikka Masala.” Parker’s stomach growled as she spoke, all of this food talk was making her hungry.

[

11:19 AM

]

@em || 𝐀𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐧 & 𝐒𝐤𝐲 & 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬

Sky.BOT — 03/31/2021

Sky wasn't much of a cook, even though at times she tried. This was New York after all, and it was almost impossible not to get addicted to take out. She was trying to eat healthier though, and she knew that one of the best ways to do that was to cook her own meals. Still, the ease of Uber Eats and tempting as fuck. "You guys cook for your foster kids?" She asked curiously. Sky had a terrible experience in the foster system and she'd be lying if she said that she wasn't interested in Parker and Charlie's experience with fostering kids here in New York. "Like have family meals and what not?" She asked. @Hale ~ ParkerApril 2, 2021

ParkerBOT — 04/02/2021

“We try to, it’s easier to pick something up but I really want them to have that homey experience with us. I never know how they’re treated in homes so I wanna try to give them the best I can.” Parker shrugged. “I love sitting together and asking how everyone’s day was and it’s usually a safe space where they can speak freely about anything they want.” She added. “You should come join us one of these nights, dinners always open to anyone who wants to join.” Parker said. @em || 𝐀𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐧 & 𝐒𝐤𝐲 & 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬

Sky.BOT — 04/02/2021

Sky blinked a few times as she thought to herself. Maybe if she had foster parents like Parker and Charlie then she wouldn’t have had such a shit life, and maybe she wouldn’t have been as cold hearted as she was now. “They are really lucky to have people like you. People who care. There are way too many people out there who take advantage of the Foster system. They don’t care as much for the kids as they should, ya know?” Sky pressed her lips together when Parker invited her over. She though about the invitation for a moment. I’d be a little hard to see that, but at the same time it might be good for Sky. “I don’t really get along well with kids. And kids tend to not like me. But I’d love to come if you’d have me.” She smiled kindly. @Hale ~ ParkerApril 6, 2021

ParkerBOT — 04/06/2021

“Thanks, really.” Parker said, her lips turning up into a smile. Parker shifted her weight from one leg to the other as she listened intently. “I was lucky enough to have my dad, without him I don’t know what would have happened. It’s a scary thought but things would be completely different. When Charlie brought it up with me I was open to the idea, I didn’t realize how bad other homes could be. I’m really glad she got me to sign up.” Parker beamed, her hand coming up to scratch her shoulder. “Well you could come over any time, we love having guests. I still don’t think I get along with kids but I alright, some of them are little assholes though.” She half joked, thinking about these kids that tag her garage and break bottles in her alley every other weekend. @SkyApril 7, 2021

Sky.BOT — 04/07/2021

Sky let out a laugh when Parker told her that kids could be asshole. "Yeah, honestly, some of the kids in my dance class are little shits. It's pretty easy to pick favorites when some of them give you the biggest head aches. Which...I was a pretty big headache when I was younger so I feel for all of my teachers back then." She laughed. "Constantly getting in trouble. I hope for you sake that you don't come across some really bad kids. Because I was definitely one of those." She admitted, but she was happy to share some personal information since this was such a light hearted chat. @Hale ~ ParkerApril 8, 2021

ParkerBOT — 04/08/2021

"I definitely don't think that I could work with kids, I couldn't handle more than one kid at a time." Parker smirked. "I was the worst kid, I don't know how my dad put up with me. I've been suspended more times than I can count on one hand. We should swap stories when you come over for dinner, what kinds of food do you like?" Parker asked. "Oh, and if I get any little shits I'll for sure reach out." @SkyApril 9, 2021

Sky.BOT — 04/09/2021

Sky couldn't believe that she was working with kids either. She never really expected to do so, and never expected she would actually like it so much when Jaycee offered her the job at the dance studio. But she like that she could spend one about an hour with the kids, be able to foster a good relationship with them, then give them back to their parents later. "I'd rather work with them. That way I don't have to worry about raising them or anything. I can just have fun with them and teach them dance, and not worry about anything else." She chuckled. Sky knew that having kids was never going to be in the cards for her, and she was completely okay with that. Happy in fact. "Oh I'll probably eat anything you put in front of me. I've tried everything under the sun since I've moved around so much. Happy to swap stories too. I'm sure Charlie would be mortified." The dancer joked. "I'll make sure to scare them straight. Like that show." She joked. @Hale ~ ParkerApril 12, 2021

ParkerBOT — 04/12/2021

"That's very true, much less responsibility to shape their little lives." Parker nodded. "I get so nervous for my future kids, kid, I don't know how many I would want - I just hope I raise them well enough." She sighed. "I'll see what Charlie would want, then we can set a date and have you over. Same here, about the eating anything - I'm basically a living garbage can." She chuckled. "I love that idea, that way we don't have to get that show to come out." She said with a playful wink. @Sky

Sky.BOT — 04/12/2021

Sky thought about it she were to have kids in the future, and how they would turn out. Sky could barely keep her own life straight...she couldn’t be expected to keep another life straight too. Besides, this world was shit anyway — why would she want to bring another human into it? The dancer chuckled softly as Parker’s joke. “You have my number, right mate? Make sure you send me a text. I’m going to go find those herbs too. Do you have any good recipes you can send me?” @Hale ~ ParkerApril 16, 2021

ParkerBOT — Yesterday at 4:52 PM

Parker nodded. “Yeah, I believe I do! I’ll definitely reach out.” She smiled. Parker was glad she ran into her, she could use more friends. She didn’t know Sky all that well but she would love to get to know her better. “I’ll send you recipes with these herbs specifically so you don’t have to go find a whole bunch of stuff.” She beamed, knowing that following recipes with new items can be intimidating for people who don’t cook often. @Sky