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andrewuttaro · 6 months ago

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Mary's Sacred Yes

Due to how early Easter was this year, the earliest it can be on the Catholic calendar I’m told; the Solemnity of the Annunciation was moved two weeks later to April 8th. This almost never happens. The Annunciation is about the closest you can get to an immovable solemnity without being an immovable solemnity. Holy Week is the only celebration that happens anywhere near it that can put it off its date. The Annunciation refers to the Archangel Gabriel appearing to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and asking her consent to become the mother of God incarnate.

Read that last sentence again. Focus on “…asking her consent…”. Sometimes we glaze over thinking about these big moments and miss the subtly of this moment in the story of salvation history. Sometimes we even drop the whole consent thing altogether and make it more of an orientation for the Blessed Mother as if we’re simply commemorating the day she was told she’d bear Jesus. In the humor of Christian volunteerism the world over: the ultimate instance of being “volun-told” to do something. Alas, this was not Signing Day for a divine contract.

The consent is key here. I found myself contemplating this again recently when I came across a quote from the late Pope Benedict XVI’s book “Jesus of Nazareth” (2012). The late Pope wrote: “[St. Bernard of Clairvaux] portrays heaven and earth as if it were holding its breath at this moment of the question addressed to Mary. Will she say yes? She hesitates… will her humility hold her back? Just this once – Bernard tells her – do not be humble but daring! Give us your yes!”

The drama! Heaven and earth are transfixed at this moment it seems that God has staked his whole plan of salvation on the decision of a woman in a culture where she was inarguably considered a second-class citizen. Her response was so loaded with importance that both the realms of the mortal and divine are held in suspense by it.

Some poets and Saints of Christian history put even more emphasis on this moment tying it to the rebellion of Lucifer and his fallen angels. So, the old legends go that Lucifer and his party were enraged that God would save humanity after their rejection of his grace, positing that this declaration by God to save humanity is when Hell’s rebellion was formulated. This outrage in mind, we may consider Mary’s Annunciation the most contentious moment between the forces of good and evil across Christian lore, perhaps second only to events like the Temptations of Jesus himself or his tearful prayers in the Garden of Gethsemane before his passion. But even those events depend upon Mary’s yes occurring first.

The latin translation calls Mary’s joyful consent to the divine plan her fiat. It is not with resignation or mere acceptance that she consents to becoming the mother of Jesus, the Word made flesh, it is with an overwhelming joy to work with God in such a tremendous way.

The key thing to remember in all this is Mary’s absolute freedom. According to the Catholic tradition Mary was preserved immaculate from her own conception, that is, preserved without the stain of original sin we all bear on our nature because of simply being human. Mary was free from the ways our sinful human nature limits our freedom by way of addiction and the lesser affections for evil we all seem to harbor. Mary’s freedom to make this decision was so profound that we might consider her free in a way that only her own son exceeds. Mary’s decision was made with absolute, incomparable freedom. Mary was as free as could be and with that freedom her response was a joyful yes.

I cannot help but see a radical inclusion in this. Not just radical inclusion, but the overflowing scope of God’s merciful love for humanity. Not just these but also the greatest affirmation of human freedom and a multitude of implications beyond this so vast that I don’t know I will ever be able to wrap my head around them all.

But I will attempt a contemplation of these three points here in this article, nonetheless. We are now in the midst of the Month of Mary. What a beautiful time of year to contemplate all that Our Blessed Mother can teach us. Mary’s Sacred Yes: radical inclusion, God’s merciful love for humanity, and the great affirmation of human freedom.

Radical Inclusion by Mary

How is the Annunciation radically inclusive? “Yes” was all it took. We sometimes contemplate God giving us a mission as if it is a fantastic burden. We hear the old adage “God doesn’t choose the prepared, he prepares the chosen” and stick up our nose: surely you do not mean me, Lord? Call it fear, trepidation, or plain old resistance to any calling… or a mix of all three, we prefer to treat a call from God like an awesome impossibility.

The Annunciation tells us we just have to say Yes and say it honestly. But to say yes honestly requires a bit more background information: Mary is no fool, she asks. Mary’s first response isn’t the Yes: it’s a question – how?

Sidenote: I cannot imagine a more charming first response. I was raised by a very practical woman. So many of the women in my life who have influenced me the most exude a grace that rolls up the sleeves and gets the job done. Mary asking “how” feels to me like these countless role models asking for the blueprint for the work ahead. Just like a mother teaches you how to get things done, Mary mothers Jesus before that divine conception even occurs. Mary asks how. In that same spirit: there is also an incredulity there.

How can I bear a child if I haven’t been with a man? How questions can seem like the scariest ones to ask God. We don’t often understand the messages we get from God at first blush so it seems like such a necessary question; but we fear we won’t be able to figure it out and wonder if God would answer such a question anyway. Could God give us detailed answers? How do I go about the calling I have just been given with real action steps?

Just think about how human that response is from Mary. She must have thought to herself: Am I really about to ask God how babies are made? I know that! No, this is different she must have thought: There is something incredible going on here that I want to be a part of.

The angel gives her an answer that is just cryptic enough to be annoying but just explanatory enough to be comforting: basically, that the Holy Spirit will do it. And with that Mary gave her Holy Yes and accepted the defining work of her life and eternity. In that Yes there is so much faith. She believes in God enough to trust him even when the answers aren’t as clear as they could be. She says Yes even in the face of the practical and cultural consequences of this decision.

She asked the question with her heart first. And she got the kind of answer we usually get from God when we sincerely pray to him: cryptic but comforting. If we can answer Yes in such circumstances, then we can do God’s Will too. Mary is giving us the blueprint for faith. Mary is showing us how to do something anybody can do.

How many pursuits in our lives are not as clear as can be? How many of those pursuits are nonetheless worth it? Has there ever been a woman who has set out on the journey of motherhood and known every variable ahead of time? Of course not, faith is necessary. Mary is the ultimate beacon of that diligent, daring faith that takes on such an enormous responsibility that not only becomes a mother but chooses to participate in God’s will.

Anybody can do God’s Will. We don’t need to be preserved sinless at birth like the Blessed Mother to receive a call from God, get a cryptic but comforting response from God to a valid question, and give our ascent. Nobody is excluded from working with God. WORKING WITH GOD! Drink that in for a minute: anyone can work with God if they can say Yes with a little bit of faith.

Anyone can work with God. Young or old. Rich or poor. Man or Woman. Everyone may enter into the sacred honor of being a coworker with Christ! The only price to be paid is faith along the way. This is a development in the history of salvation.

Before this Marian moment and the advent of Jesus Christ himself, God picked those he would call and send them out. Now the call goes out to whoever will accept God in faith. A new age has begun. You may still be thinking: why can’t God just give me clear directions and show me the whole picture from square one? The short answer is respect for human freedom, but we’ll come back around to that.

For the sake of contemplating the radical inclusion Mary shows us consider this quote from Saint John Paul II: “Faith leads us beyond ourselves. Faith leads us directly to God.” Mary’s Yes is such a profound act of faith that we are invited to return to Mary for help following her son. She is a guide in faith.

Like every mother, Mary is always willing to point out the great things her child has done. She’ll take you and show you the way to what Jesus is trying to get through to you. Call on her and she’ll help you find Jesus, she was the original follower, she accepted him before any other human did. She will help anyone willing to search for him too. When you feel broken and out of luck, call out to Jesus and reach for Mary to help show you the way. God’s mercy flows through her just like God’s own son came to us through her!

But faith would be just a fun adventure if it weren’t for the mercy of the one we have faith in.

God’s merciful love

How does the Annunciation show God’s merciful love for humanity? Consider how ancient Gods often didn’t ask first. The Gods of the ancient world shot first and asked questions later to use a modern figure of speech. Zeus creates several members of the Greek Pantheon by way of sexual assault. Historically these kinds of violent Gods were commonplace in the ancient world. Gods in the ancient world were so combative and self-interested that even their own devotees recognized their humanity: a sinfulness that seems like such a clear projection to us moderns looking back.

The God who asks Mary her consent is a fundamental, radical shift away from how humanity had always viewed the divine. If God is not just a scheming superhuman, but rather a kind partner in dramatic self-giving then the whole contemplation of God is new. Wow, what a thankful change! We can work with a God like that. There’s that divine participation, that radical inclusion once again.

Mary’s Yes is in some way a solemn prayer, a solemn prayer of thanksgiving. This prayer we know as the Magnificat. If you haven’t heard it, then you might soon understand why:

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Savior for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant. From this day all generations will call me blessed: the almighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.

He has mercy on those who fear him in every generation. He has shown the strength of his arm, he has scattered the proud in their conceit. He has cast down the mighty from their thrones and has lifted up the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. He has come to the help of his servant Israel for he remembered his promise of mercy, the promise he made to our fathers, to Abraham and his children forever.”

That second paragraph has a sharp edge to it doesn’t it? You can almost feel a clenched fist pressed up to a chest containing a heart docile to the work of such a just God. The sense of justice in what God was doing through her is palpable. Mary’s prayer is informed by the historical situation of her people but its inspiration rings down through the ages. Her prayer is eternal. God wants justice even though our world may seem so evil and without justice at times. A loving God must be a just God as well and Mary’s Prayer recognizes this.

The most common, cynical retort you might hear to believing in God in our day and age is usually some version of: why bother with a God who allows evil and suffering in the world? He should be able to correct all that with ease since he is God after all, right?

We’re about to have a more thorough tour of the human freedom implications of that. For now, consider God’s mercy that we exist at all. God could have pulled a more creative version of Noah’s Flood and just finish the job this time. Numerous times in Salvation history we see the power of God to just end it all at will. Some of my most nihilistic peers might even see that option as the only merciful option.

No, there is love in God’s mercy. Moreover, there is justice in God’s mercy. St. Thomas Aquinas once wrote: “Mercy without justice is the mother of dissolution; justice without mercy is cruelty.” If humanity has the capability for endless war and all manner of atrocities, then why allow it to exist at all? Perhaps the nihilist has a point: Mercy for a humanity like that should be extinction. When we look around and see the effects our species has had on the climate of the planet you could even see a moral reason for such an end. There is a morbid fascination with this morally perverse idea.

National Geographic Channel ran a show I remember vividly in this vein of thought: “Life After People” (2008-2010). The show largely explores how infrastructure slowly erodes away over decades, centuries, and millennia as if all humans just vanished one day. Ultimately the series shows the earth millennia after our presence ended looking no worse for the wear. More recently the 2021 film “Don’t Look Up” addressed the other side of this: what I can only call humanity’s capacity for self-delusion. I won’t spoil that great Jennifer Lawrence film, but the ending seems to suggest that total annihilation is a relief, humanity had it coming because it’s just so full of itself: a modern way of recognizing an inborn sinfulness.

Even if destroying humanity is the most just answer, God chooses mercy. God chooses mercy definitively by working with us through Mary to achieve salvation. God chose mercy so he also chooses justice to some extent to think back to the St. Thomas Aquinas quote. Mary’s Yes is the greatest example of this. It’s almost comedic it’s so beautiful. The divine subversion of expectations if you will. Think about it.

Mary, a woman wronged by the conditions of humanity so much for simply being a woman, amplified by her time in history, is, in effect, asked: So should God save this shattered world? You have seen some of the worst of it: should God save humanity in spite of it all? If she wasn’t so dumbfounded by the arrival of an actual archangel, you’d think she might even laugh at the profundity of it all.

Even more funny: Jesus’ people were expecting him to hop on horseback, throw off the Roman occupiers, and get to some legendary conquering like Alexander the Great or something. What a divinely perfect disappointment! That’s how it is with God’s mercy: we imagine, even desire in our more nihilistically angry moments, a much rougher justice than God actually doles out. God’s mercy seems like injustice to us sometimes! Sorry, God is just so merciful and just that its funny.

If we believe God is absent for a lack of justice in the world it is for a lack of mercy on our part. We bring the mercy and God works justice through us because he has already brought the ultimate, saving mercy through Mary’s consent: Jesus.

I think God deciding to do all that, and do it with our cooperation through Mary, is reason enough to throw off the nihilism of our time and embrace how precious we are if this is how God treats us. What profound mercy that sees humanity unable if not also completely unwilling to choose good over evil repeatedly: over and over again, the continual theme of human history.

God’s mercy is so amazing it can tie our brains into knots! Would such an awesome work of God occur had we not first sinned and therefore called down God’s mercy upon us? Oh happy fault that earned so great, so glorious a redeemer! Those are the words we sing in the Proclaimation of Easter, the Exsultet. Saints Ambrose and Augustine echo this counterintuitive hymn. In some profound divine way that almost extends beyond the reach of our human minds: God brings us even closer to him than what had existed in original innocence because of that primordial rebellion.

God says: I know you gave me the finger. I choose to love you nonetheless! Not just that, I am going to include you in the grand work of mercy to save you from yourself!

And once again: all through the humblest of women in the Blessed Virgin Mary. God’s mercy is just, and it is extravagantly over the top. There is freedom in embracing all this. Yes, Mary’s affirmation of the divine plan is as much an endorsement of human freedom as can be. Time to talk about what freedom really means in the divine context of all this. How does affirm our human freedom with the Annunciation?

The Great Affirmation of Human Freedom

The first gift God gave humanity at the dawn of creation was life. The Genesis story is a beautiful piece of poetry laying out God lovingly making all things and then us. Once he makes us, however, he immediately gives us our free will: the second gift to us after life itself. God didn’t want little obedient robots, he wanted to love beings who weren’t being forced to love him. He wanted a real relationship in other words.

This is why there is a tree with forbidden fruit on it in the Garden of Eden. It’s not God being cruel, it’s God giving us the freedom to choose him or not. Every good relationship is built on a minimum standard of shared consent. The same is true with our relationship with God. God wants to be in a relationship with us, but we have to make our own choice in response. God goes to great lengths to preserve our freedom throughout, even if it means allowing us to rebel against him.

The poetic connection between the forbidden fruit and Mary is as simple as the “Yes”. Eve and Adam said No to a clear boundary and chose rebellion against God. Mary and Joseph said Yes and chose obedience to God. In that is the beginning of the saving work that will be completed in Jesus Christ’s paschal mystery. Humanity participates in its own redemption by way of Mary and Joseph, just as it opted out with Adam and Eve. Humanity cooperates with God once again as was hoped for at the beginning of creation. Mary is the new Eve, and Jesus is the new Adam.

That crucial consent, that Yes Mary gives the angel, it is the Great Affirmation of Human Freedom. Even after the betrayal of Original Sin God is not going to go back on his respect for our Free Will. He works us into his plan to rectify the relationship between himself and humanity which was split asunder in Eden. Once more: he becomes one of us in Jesus Christ in the ultimate act of divine intimacy. Mary echoes the divine humility she is participating in: God lowering himself enough to be made flesh in Jesus Christ.

You would be forgiven if you feel this all seems a bit too poetic. Why does God work in these sweeping, mysterious plans? If he is all-powerful, why does he not simplify this whole thing dramatically and show himself to humanity and heal all wounds therein? The story of the bible and salvation history in it is very ugly at times along the way, why does he not avoid all that mess and just give us all that he is and wipe all that separates away with one divine swoop?

No, it’s not a cynical question to ask. In fact, it gets to the core of what makes us human beings and why we have this free will in the first place. If God is going to respect us, then he has to protect us to some degree. He is God and we are not. Human freedom must be respected here all the while.

In my line of work as a Long-Term Care Ombudsman I often encounter older adults living in Nursing Homes and Assisted Living facilities who are going to make a bad choice. They might even know they are making a bad choice. If you’re struggling with your ability to walk and you insist on going back to your own home without any modifications to your living space or in-home care then you might just find yourself in a worse situation than when you started. But the autonomy, the free choice of the residents I serve, comes first. They have the right to make a bad decision. To use the technical jargon: they have the “right to fall”.

You might imagine God as any variety of healthcare professionals in this metaphor. He knows the right thing to do, he even stands ready to help provide you with some of the interventions that can best help avoid something bad happening. Nonetheless, he has to let you make the choice however bad it can be. To stretch this metaphor a bit further we might consider the Blessed Mother a trusted peer of our older adult heading for a poor decision. God brings in a trusted voice to point in the right direction and maybe even convince their peer that a safer choice is necessary.

God will not force us to do anything we don’t choose to do for ourselves. God in his very being is too beyond us for this. He is God and we are not. We cannot simply look at God in this life. That is why whenever God appears in the bible, he always does it through an angel or a voice or some other sensible intermediary. God is inconceivable in his being. St. Anselm of Canterbury says, “God is the being which no greater being can be thought.” A lot more about our relationship with God can be explained by way of God’s ineffability than you may realize.

In the metaphor of the stubborn older adult, the medical professional can tell them all manner of facts and figures without getting their patient any closer to making the right choice. In the thinking of the older adult this is a matter of independence and dignity, not the density of their bones or the strength of their muscles. God must respect our freedom just like the medical professional has an ethical code to stand by.

Those familiar with my writing will know I often ponder if God intentionally makes it so that few people see miracles and tangible proofs for the faith. This is why: if God just shows us what’s what as clear as day, is there room for the faith that makes for a real relationship? Moreover: can there be any freedom if the correct, divinely appointed answer is always right there in front of us? Sounds like that would be robotic, eh? Food for thought, I guess.

The forbidden fruit tree was called “the tree of knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:9). That little detail says a lot. The effect of that fruit, Original Sin in the broad sense, is still with us in one way you will be able to affirm before you finish reading this paragraph: our human drive to understand all things. We want to know as much as we can, everything if possible. Knowledge is certainly a good thing but as an idol unto itself it can do us harm. This is in some way a desire for conquest against God just like Eden.

Sit with that for a moment. We fancy ourselves sophisticated modern people: we know War is ugly and regrettable. We know to avoid unnecessary violence, that’s if there is even such a thing as necessary violence! We fancy ourselves as living in a time after old fashioned conquest. We don’t do that anymore: we let everyone be and get what we need without violence. What kind of conquest can exist in this worldview? The answer, for us in our cultural context at least, is intellectual conquest.

In essence, we still have distance from the ultimate perfection that is God because we still have this yearning to control God that we consumed from the juice of that fruit on the forbidden tree. We want to be the ultimate moral arbitrators of good and evil which God can only be. We want the ultimate conquest: conquering God by knowing the universe and knowing God to be just a creation of the primitive human mind looking to lend meaning to the world around us. We have used our freedom to wage conquest against the creator of our freedom.

It's a poetic irony. If I had a dollar for everyone I’ve encountered throughout my short life so far who has that belief, at least in a subconscious way, that belief that God is just a concept humanity made to create meaning in a meaningless universe, then I would have no student loan debt. This is the modern conqueror’s mentality we carry: the newest iteration of that same desire to conquer God that motivated us in the Garden of Eden.

God doesn’t just show himself, erase all sin and its effects with the snap of his fingers, and end all our suffering in this life because what space for free will would that leave us? Would Mary’s Yes be just as free if the Angel also said “Mary, I am also your new bodyguard and I will vaporize anyone who even thinks ill of you.” God wants the freely chosen relationship with us and that is just not possible between we humans and the being that is God if there is no mediation, no working together along the way.

That’s the amazing affirmation of God asking for Mary’s Yes: Mary says yes with faith, not possessing all knowledge. She understands the one necessary thing: that even if I can’t grasp the vastness of God I don’t need to because God is here asking first anyway. Real faith isn’t blind, it knows whose asking.

God doesn’t compromise who we are or who he is by resurrecting our relationship with him. Everyone’s freedom is respected. That healing begins with Mary’s Yes and is fulfilled with her son Jesus’ resurrection a few decades later. The Blessed Mother shows us such freedom yet such cooperation with God’s Will. The Blessed Mother prays forward justice while docile to God’s amazing mercy. The Blessed Mother brings on radical inclusion, incredible faith in God’s mercy, in all freedom, and yet brings us in her very being the definitive answer in her son Jesus Christ.

Mary the Queen

If you haven’t been convinced already here it is again: Mary is the mother of all the faithful. On May 20th this year we will be celebrating Mary under her title as “Mother of the Church”. She is the new Eve, a Yes where there had been a No. Mary is our guide to Christ and forerunner in the immense mercy of God, prime participant in the plan that radically includes everyone in the saving work.

From the Annunciation until at least Joseph being brought in on the whole plan, Mary is the whole Christian Church. She is bearing Christ as the Church does in a very literal, embodied sense, Theotokos in the Greek. Even after the Holy Family becomes the whole Church, though little and domestic, Mary is the mother holding the whole thing together like so many moms do.

At one point Mary even becomes a single parent and has to guide Jesus into adulthood right up to the start of his ministry on her own. Even after Jesus’ Ministry begins she is right there for the first Apostles, the nascent Church itself. Then she faces the ultimate torture of any mother: watching her child suffer and die when she can do nothing. Jesus formally puts his mother under the protection of his Apostles from the cross (John 19:26-27) giving her to the whole Church as its Queen. She must have sat among those men and women who loved her son, the earliest Christianity, and thought: “Wow, God brought all this good through me.” I think many mothers might be having that thought this month.

Mary remains the first intercessor for the Church for the rest of her life. She is there for the Resurrection, at Pentecost, and on the missionary journeys to follow. The celebration of Mary the mother of the Church later this month is all about this. Right after Pentecost, the birthday of the Church, we have Mary there to be its guide. She gave birth to Jesus; she gave birth to the Church in that way! Indeed her Yes was to Jesus forever: long beyond his physical life on earth and beyond her own for that matter!

I think it is even appropriate to consider Mary a Queen in the more colloquial sense: what a Queen way to be doing all that!

The folk religion of this recognition of Mary transcends religion itself. Crowning Mary as the true Queen she is has become a tradition in the month of May. Some do it on Mother’s Day just because it feels so appropriate even without a hard-fast religious connotation of that secular holiday. As you embrace your own mothers and the mothering people in your life this month consider the Queen of Mothers: The Blessed Virgin Mary.

Mary’s Sacred Yes is the Yes of every mother. Mary’s Yes is the beauty of faith. As the English poet William Wordsworth once wrote in his 1822 sonnet: “Mary is our tainted nature’s solitary boast.” Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb: Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. AMEN!

#catholic #catholicism #jesus #mary #blessed virgin mary #blessed mother mary #mothers day #May #Annunciation

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daughter-of-sapph0 · 2 years ago

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May I ask what helped you decide you wanted to convert? For me, there's always been a fascination with Jewish culture that grew into a lot of love for all of the aspects of religion. As a queer person, the celebration of survival against all odds really spoke to me as well as the deep philosophical nit-picking of the Talmud and what god even means. The fact that you even be Jewish and convert as well without even fully believing in god is very meaningful to me.

I haven't started my conversion process yet because the only synagogue near me has some pretty bad politics but I really hope to be able to start one day

Anyway I hope you have a nice day💖

I've had this ask in my inbox for days because I've spent forever just thinking about how to answer it. I'd say it's really two big things that made me want to convert. the first thing being the people around me who were Jewish and had a love for their religion, and the second being my catholic mother.

let me explain the my mother first. I was raised catholic. my mother comes from an Irish catholic family, so from birth to about 8th grade I was raised as a catholic. I never really questioned it any. my dad was lutheran, and even though he wasn't religious, we sometimes went to mass with his parents. and we also had lots of friends who were all different flavors of christian, so I had a pretty diverse experience of what it ment to be christian. but that's the thing, I only knew about christianity. I mean, I knew other religions existed. I knew that other people believed things that were different than the things I believed. I knew there were different traditions and holidays and such. but I knew basically nothing about it until I got to middle school.

I went to a very small catholic school for middle school. I had previously gone to a public elementary school. but at 6th grade, my mother really wanted me to go to the school she went to when she was a kid. it was a tiny little k-8 brick building connected to the local church that couldn't have had more than 200 kids in the entire school. it was basically the same as public school, although the math program was a year ahead so I was doing geometry in algebra 1 in 8th grade instead of 9th. we had a religion class that was basically history revolving around early christianity. I say that because although they said it was the history of Jewish people before Jesus, it was taught in a very christian-centric way.

I wouldn't say it was a bad school. there was never any forced political views. there was an optional field trip to go to the march for life anti abortion thing in DC, and I wanted to go (because I was a stupid kid who had no idea what abortion even was and just wanted to visit DC) but my mom told me I really shouldn't and explained why she's pro choice. I distinctly remember this conversation with her, because it was at that point I realized that christians, even of the same dinomination, have wildly different views, but you aren't really allowed to talk about it.

I can't remember a lot about the school. I just remember that I was bullied a lot. I had severe undiagnosed adhd and autism, plus I was struggling with my own sexuality and gender. although the school wasn't outright homophobic, it wasn't like they were hosting pflag meetings either. so I kinda bottled my emotions up until high school. it was at that time I became an atheist. I was questioning the concept of an all knowing and all loving god who would make a world with so much hate and violence and sadness in it. I couldn't accept that god loved me, knew everything about me, made me the way I am, but also hated me because I was gay and disabled. obviously I wasn't taught this at middle school. but I heard it online from homophobes and ablists using religion to harm others, and I associated this with all christians. I didn't hate christianity, I just didn't want to be a part of it.

so anyway, I was an atheist for a while. for about two years in high school. I wasn't a reddit atheist or an antitheist. I still respected other people's religions. I just didn't believe in any of my own. I was still questioning my gender at this time, and I struggled a lot with grades especially in my freshman year. I finally started going to therapy and taking meds to help focus, and my grades drastically improved my sophomore year. (I just realized that those terms probably mean nothing to non-americans. freshman is first year of high school, or 9th grade. sophomore is second year of high school, or 10th grade. junior is third, or 11th grade. and senior is fourth, or 12th grade)

my mom was always supporting me through all of this. she accepted me with everything that was going on in my life, whether it's religion or sexuality or disability or gender. she was the first family member I came out as trans to. and she has been nothing but supportive and loving for my entire life. she like, the exact opposite of a conservative christian. she uses her religion and her faith to spread love, and not hate. and even though at this point I wasn't a christian, she still supported me because of her being raised as a catholic to love everyone. and she never forced me to go to church or change back to catholicism or anything. she let me do my own thing and supported everything I did.

anyway, I came out as trans during the middle of my junior year. I had just been through a rough breakup with a really nice guy, but he helped me figure out my gender shit and made me realize I could be whatever gender I wanted to be as long as I was happy. we stayed friends for a while after that. but he was a year older than me so we didn't really talk after he graduated. but he helped me realize I was trans. and now I started to feel better and more confident about myself. I made friends with a lot of people online. I specifically made efforts to make friends with all different types of people. I had always been a pretty liberal person and social justice advocate. but I wanted to try and learn more about the world beyond my very limited experience. and either by coincidence or fate, I ended up being friends with a lot of transgender Jews. I spent a lot of time learning about Judaism and what it ment to be Jewish. idk what it was, but I felt a really strong connection to my Jewish friends.

but anyway, I'm going through high school, in my senior year, while also taking night classes at community college. just going about life, taking sociology and psychology, while also being a social justice advocate online. when BOOM, pandemic. everything stopped. I graduated high school, but college switched to online and my grades tanked again. it was just like freshman year, except now I was paying nearly two thousand dollars a semester. so I quit. I would have became a total shut in if I hadn't met some really nice people who lived nearby. they helped me be more confident with my self image and personality. I went out more, safely of course because it was the pandemic. I decided I wasn't going to quit college, but just take a break until in person classes started again. I had a few jobs in retail and restaurants, which all absolutely sucked. and I spent a lot of time meditating and thinking to myself about philosophy. since I had a lot of free time, I read a lot. different religious texts and commentaries on those texts. I started to realize that I was religious, but I just didn't know how. I told my current philosophy to some of my friends, most of whom happened to be Jewish, and they said it sounded very similar to Judaism. so I looked into it. in fall of 2020, I reached out to a local rabbi, and told him I wanted to convert to Judaism. he denied me three times as per tradition, but finally said that if I wanted to be Jewish, I had to make sure it was the right religion for me. I had to study and ready and learn. converting is a long process, and usually takes years. I'm almost two and a half years into my conversion process. and from reading and talking with other Jewish people, I'm learning more every day. I've had times where I've doubted myself. where I felt like I had imposter syndrome, or like it wasn't my choice to convert. it's been hard sometimes. but I haven't given up. I'm staying with it because I truly love Judaism and Jewish people and traditions and culture and the thousands of different approaches to god and faith.

converting is gonna be different for everyone. but in general, it's not easy. and it's not supposed to be. you're not really supposed to convert out of Judaism. you can be a Jewish atheist. but once you're Jewish, you're intended to be Jewish for life. so all that time you spend studying and learning is supposed to make you ask yourself over and over and over again "are you sure". and every single time I've asked myself that question, the answer has always been "yes".

sorry this turned out to be more of a life story than a simple answer as to why I chose to convert. but there is no simple answer. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to be Jewish. it was a long process from the millions of decisions and choices by me and the people around me that lead me to where I am today. in religion, philosophy, art, and life in general, there are no such things as simple answers. so, find beauty in the complexity of the universe.

thank you, anon

#dostxt #jewish convert #Jews by choice #jewish #jewish wlw #jewblr #asks #long post

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yourbonafidelove · 3 months ago

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1,687 days Since January 1st 2020 - Since superintendent Bernie McEwen turned the lights off and took it too far in a vacant apartment at 400 Grenfell Street

1,585 days Since April 12th 2020 - Since I jumped out of that moving Honda CRV hoping to get away from Orville and die, only to roll over out of the way of oncoming traffic,

Because I pictured my best friend calling and remember I had more life to live,

I wanted to live.

1,554 days Since May 13th 2020 - Since Orville drove us 45 minutes from home intending to take me with him, and got off on it all by throwing himself into it.

1,191 days Since May 10th, 2021 - Since Wayne took advantage of my mother in my presence, and also a year from the date Orville said would be the worst day of my life if I survived.

After that Wayne said he'd have my mother drinking out of a straw for the rest of her life.

(IN FRONT OF OTHERS AFTER THIS. FUCK YOU!)

Nevermind him having my sister hold me down while he injected a needle into my back. Fuck you once more.

Between 2, 429 280 - 1, 715 040 minutes,

And all I need is a single fucking 1 to lay down on the tracks and serve you ones the lasting penance you deserve --- and the peace I am worthy of. It is about time.

Doctors, dentists, cops, and their secretaries.

I consider Orville and Wayne part of your back door secretary roster.

"Just checking!" Orville said as he overtook me in bed May 8th before he died, withdrew and rammed so far into my ass I yelped and cried,

I sat with my back faced to the shower, unable to speak for days

And I stopped eating. I stopped eating then too.

(All because he had a thing for my gay female friend)

Lemme tell ya,

Let them and their supporters rot,

And then burn this country to the fucking ground.

P.S Don't ever forget the bare fuckery and persecution you put my dad and my papa through since I was three, since my papa asked for the record and all you could say was "I don't know, why don't you ask your wife --- she's at home watching the news isn't she?"

I was there. I was on scene. And my nana died at 69 by the way.

13 years short of the Canadian life expectancy.

YOU are the reason why.

While Margaret and Wade SR sit on their fucking asses for decades And watch me die of the Cancer and sexual trauma THEY inflicted first.

While my parents were fucking working as they always did and always have. God love my siblings because you can't, and neither can your fake help, happy/stability pills and fuckin' money. Thank you.

#kingston #ontario #canada #burn it down

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engagedtobefree · 6 months ago

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Not yesterday, but the previous Thursday was a really great day.

I had my appointment with Chris. I got there like 15ish minutes early, and he came out and took me right back. There was so much that happened so I don’t even know what to start with. I guess I could start with saying that I finally showed up. I stumbled through it, but I still did it, so I’m incredibly happy nonetheless. I was still nervous but I was able to flirt a bit. My main intention was to give back to Chris and I did that, so mission accomplished. I don’t really remember everything I said because I was so nervous. Chris told me many times that I make him nervous, which he did at my last appointment too, then he asked if I make him nervous and I said yes. I don’t know if he can tell, but my mouth gets so dry from how nervous I am. Maybe that’s why he asked lol. I am simultaneously comfortable with him but also nervous. It’s an interesting combination. He was very complimentary and flirty as usual. Chris starts off by wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and I laugh and tell him he’s the only person to say that to me. He’s so sweet. He said he was nervous that I wasn’t going to show and that he overthinks things, which is actually what I do too. Both this appointment and my last one I have been nervous that he was going to move me off his schedule. I didn’t say anything about that, but I did tell him I looked forward to being there. I also told him it’s cute when he acts weird and silly, that he has the nicest smile, and something else too but I forget specifically, though I know it was a compliment towards his physical appearance. I also touched him, but more on that later. Actually it’s funny because the second time he complimented my teeth I said to him, “That’s all me. I don’t want you to think I’m seeing any other hygienists on the side”. Well, he went into a whole spiel literally for several minutes about how he'd make himself my hygienist again 😂 I fully did not expect that when I said what I did. He's so silly. It's adorable.

I had an appointment with the oral surgeon last week just to check x-rays (I don’t have to go back for that again. Yay!), and Chris didn’t make an appearance. My appointment was originally mid-April, then got pushed back to the end of April, then got pushed back again to May 7th. Of course the oral surgeon was running behind, so I sat out in the waiting room for like an hour, my heart racing every time someone opened the door. Even when I was taken back, I kept on high alert but didn’t see Chris anywhere. I didn’t let it dishearten me or take it personal since I knew there was probably a reason I didn’t see him, but I was still bummed out about it. So yesterday, pretty early on in my appointment, Chris told me he went up to the Poconos for 4 days on his birthday, which was May 8th. When he was telling me about it, he told me like 3 times that he went alone lol. I’m not sure if like last time he was giving me an opening to ask if he was single or not since it wasn’t on my mind like last time, so I wasn’t reading into anything like that or looking for it. I just thought that it was a good confirmation for me that he was alone and then I was done with thinking about it. Stacy told me I should have still said something, but honestly, it didn’t even cross my mind since I had already let go of my intention to do that. I have always felt like I can trust Chris, so I decided to stop questing that. Because of that, I no longer need any sort of confirmation from him. I stopped questioning myself, so now it’s easy. The thing I do know though is that regardless, I know Chris had definitely said what he did as a way to tell me why he hadn’t been there last week. I appreciate his thoughtfulness. I like that Chris tells me certain things but not others. He gives me reassurances and his honesty, but he also leaves space for me to figure things out on my own or put 2 and 2 together, even if it's something that isn't complicated to figure out. Intellectual stimulation is something that I need, and he definitely gives me that in a few different ways, this being one of them.

He told me he was in an accident the morning before and I was thinking how I’m glad he’s okay, though I don’t think I actually said that out loud. He opened up to me a lot about his family life, and like mine, his also sounded pretty chaotic and traumatic. (I'm not going to post specifics out of respect to Chris.) He was very open, which I also appreciate. I know he probably isn’t like that with just anyone, so it makes me feel special. I also like getting to know more about him. He asked me about my parents and I oversimplified it a lot, not because I was uncomfortable sharing but because I didn’t want to spend what precious little time I had with him there talking about this kind of stuff. Funnily enough, Chris was thinking the same thing, because he told me we should talk about other stuff while we’re there. Because of what he was saying about his mom, he mentioned astrology and tarot, and added on how he doesn’t judge anyone if that’s what they’re into. It sounded like he was telling the truth, but I could sense some slight resistance beneath the surface, which would be understandable based on his own personal experience with it. I’m into both of those things though lol. I’m very practical about both, however. Like yoga, to me they are tools for healing, growth, and following my dharma. I am very aware that people do get weird about both of those things, spread false info, or use them in ways that are not helpful or serving of a higher purpose. It is very annoying and frustrating to me when I see someone, especially someone with influence, using them in ways that are stereotypically incorrect or downright harmful. So I 100% understand anyone’s trepidation towards them. What I won’t tolerate is anyone like the stupid, pompous men on the internet I see quite often that try to veil their blatant sexism by attacking women for what they’re interested in. I know that Chris does not fall into that category at all though.

Him telling me about his parents though was a big reassurance. Even though nothing has gone anywhere yet between Chris and I, I’ve already started worrying about him meeting my mom. She is a difficult person to deal with. There’s been no doubt in my mind that if anyone is capable of dealing with her with ease and efficiency, it’s Chris, but I still dreaded the thought of him even having to do that. I’m not happy that he understands because I know how absolutely awful it is when your parents are difficult and unstable, but in another way, it’s a sense of relief. I act very differently around my mom than I do normally. I’m very closed off with her, and my patience is in short supply. There are times where I try to enter a compassionate mindset for her, but it’s difficult for me to stay there long-term. I understand that my mom has her own trauma and was not helped in the ways she should’ve been when she did seek help, but I also recognize it is no excuse for her behavior and how she has treated me throughout my life, especially when I was younger and helpless. I was also worried that maybe Chris would see me differently because of how I act around my mom, so it’s also a reassurance in that sense as well. There are reasons why I have walls up between my mother and I, and they will never come down. Any time I even give my mom the tiniest bit of info about anything in my life, she turns it into something negative and catastrophic, a dramatic tragedy that must be acted out in four acts before reaching an anticlimactic conclusion. This is just one of her many unnerving talents, and it’s not even the worst of them. She also says things that are inappropriate or just wildly inaccurate. I’m going on a weekend retreat in July and one of the teachers is from Canada, and she not only freaked out because of me doing something as a grown adult, but she also said how Canada has the highest human trafficking rate in the entire world, which obviously is so far from true. I really don’t know how she comes up with this stuff. This is just one recent example, and a mild one at that. She did end up buying my train ticket to the retreat for me, which was nice, but it took a bit for us to get there. My mom has certainly improved with some things, and I can recognize certain efforts she’s currently making, but unless she manages to do a complete 180, which is doubtful, our relationship with each other will never be a close one. I need to protect my own well-being and mental health.

I noticed about half way through my appointment that Chris seemed to be rushing through it. I thought that was weird and wondered why he would do that, but I didn’t have time to think over anything because Chris started talking again. When he was finished with my cleaning, he said he wasn’t going to call the dentist in since my mouth always looks fine. I’ve never been to a cleaning where the dentist wasn’t called in to look at my mouth afterwards. When we had gone back to the room, I immediately noticed we’re in a different one from all my previous appointments with Chris. Normally, I wouldn’t remember something like that, but I’m always hyper aware of my surroundings when I’m there. The room Chris picked that day is in the back, at the end of a hallway. He told me some supervisor or whoever was there that day, so at first I assumed he picked that room just to have some peace and to be left alone. I was wrong, at least partially so. After he was finished, he booked my next appointment, then after a few minutes or so, he sat up on the counter smiling. He said since his appointment before me didn’t show up and he took me back early, with his next appointment not being until 4:10, we had time to just sit back there. I turned and looked at the clock and it was only 3:20-something. Everything clicked then. The reason he chose the back room, the reason he didn’t call in the doctor, the reason he rushed through my cleaning…it was so that we had time to just sit and talk. He completely surprised me with that 😭😭😭 I have noticed about Chris that he seems to have an intent and purpose for saying and doing certain things, then he puts everything into action. I find it admirable. I know that the reason things haven’t really gone anywhere outside of his work is fully purposeful on his end. He has some sort of intention there, some reasoning as to why, and so I know when he does move forward it will also be purposeful and intentional. I trust him, so I’ve learned to find contentment with waiting. I can trust that whatever it is, whether I can predict the outcome or not, Chris will take us in a certain direction and get us where he intends to go. I like that. There is a sense of safety and comfort in that, even when I can’t see the end destination.

Chris did mention how he was supposed to go to Maryland and pick up a motorcycle this weekend, and he asked if I’ve ever ridden on one, which I haven’t. He said we would have to change that this summer. That surprised me, but it made me feel hopeful. Summertime actually sounds nice. Lately I’ve actually felt really accepting of things not progressing, and I’ve been fully enjoying the extra time to continue to work on some things and tie up some loose ends. I feel like I’m just about ready though. I had been thinking how it would be nice to do something more physical with him, since I just want him to touch me as much as possible, and I had been thinking how it’s a shame that it’s not October because then we could do some haunted attraction sort of thing. When I thought about that though, I had a distinct feeling that it won’t be that long, so when Chris said the summer, that actually felt lighter, more accurate. I’d also get to touch him if we ride on the motorcycle 😈

Chris took off his smock (idk the name of it - the internet says gown or jacket but those don’t seem right to me), so I finally get to see his body better. I had actually been thinking for a few weeks now how I wish I could see him in his scrubs, and well, some dreams really do come true. He’s in black from head to toe. He looks really good. It only takes a moment of me looking at him to come up with a new wish: to see him with nothing on at all. He does keep saying how hot he is because he’s nervous, so technically I could say what I’m thinking, but I decided that for the time being I’m not going to flirt in any sexual way. The computer in this room is right behind the patient chair, so his butt was right near my face when he was at the computer and oh my Lord 🫠🫠🫠 Forgive me father, for in my mind, I am sinning. He blessed me twice by going to the computer again when I asked if he had an appointment card for me. I had actually touched Chris twice during my appointment, once while he was working on my mouth and then again when he was at the computer. His skin was very soft. I connected this to that one poem Chris is in that I mentioned in another post. One of the lines I wrote about Chris was: “To know you is to know God, to see you is to see straight into the heart of heaven, and so touching you is an act of forgiveness I can’t follow through on.” I wasn’t just talking about touching, but also moving forward in general, but still, I touched Chris. I hadn’t realized this till later in the day. I feel okay. I feel good. I’ve worked through a lot of things and it’s nice to see myself moving forward now, letting go of past hurts and releasing any shame I’ve been holding onto. The bits before that are really about this knowing that I’ve always had since day one that Chris is special. He has a goodness about him that I’ve always sensed. I remember specifically thinking at my first appointment with him, “This is a good man”. I really didn’t have any particular reason for thinking that; it was just something I could sense. And I don’t do that, I don’t go around just thinking men are good, so that really says something that I felt that way. It’s not that I think all men are bad or anything, and I know that terrible women exist too, but I do think it’s rare to find a man who is well-roundedly good. Okay, so back to the poem. In regards to the first two-thirds of the line, there’s a bit more to them than what I explained about them, obviously, but that’s the simplest way I can put it, I guess, and all I really want to explain here. What I love about writing poetry is that I can write one thing and there’s the surface level meaning, but then there’s deeper meaning underneath it. What I can say in just one sentence could garner a whole paragraph of me explaining what I meant by that one sentence.

It’s funny too because in my poems I always use a lot of religious imagery, I think because those words tend to invoke such strong imagery or meaning. Because of attending 13 years of Catholic school, I am forever cursed to use those words in my writing, even though I am no longer Catholic. Chris asked me if I practice any religion and I took a moment to think over my response. I told him not really, but that because of yoga I do engage in Hindu practices. I am hesitant to call myself Hindu for multiple reasons: I feel like my knowledge is still pretty limited, I am not consistent with practices, and Hinduphobia is still a very real thing. I think the last one is probably my biggest hesitation because Indian Hindus have had to deal with a lot of fear-mongering around their religion, and in certain parts of India they have to be careful because they could be jumped, raped, or murdered by Muslims over there. I would also be completely safe from the Caste system, though from what I’ve read, the Caste system was created as a way to politicize the religion. I'd also be exempt from any sort of arranged marriage. I guess through acknowledgement of my privilege in these regards would be good enough though. Many Hindus, like with other Eastern religions, consider what they practice as more of a philosophy rather than a religion. I can see that, because they are very much structured in a way where you can choose your own beliefs and your own path, with some baseline rules/guidelines that are really there out of respect and to establish some basic principles. I did see a post recently, I think it was on tumblr actually, where someone was saying how even if you’re just starting out and learning, you can still say that you practice that religion. So that is also something for me to think over, I suppose. Anyway, back to Chris. He responded back to me with something along the lines of “Oh okay, so Hinduism, Buddhism, things like that.” Then he said that’s probably about as far as he’d go too and that like me, he grew up Catholic. (He’s also Italian on his dad’s side and Irish on his mom’s like me too.) I can appreciate Buddhism and like some of the practices, but I don’t feel as connected to it as I do with Hinduism. I also find certain things about it boring, or they simply don’t resonate. I wouldn’t really care if Chris practiced anything or not, as I see choice of religion as something that should be deeply personal and not forced on anyone. There are multiple paths to get to the same destination. I did find it interesting the little bit he had said back to me though. I am curious to hear what his thoughts would be on other things in regards to that topic. I’m curious to hear what he has to say in general about anything, honestly, which is funny. It’s very hard for anyone to pique my curiosity in this way, even friends. I honestly have never been so curious to learn about anyone ever. It's not that I am never interested in what anyone else has to say or whatnot, but just not to such a strong degree.

Going back to the line in my poem for a sec, I didn't use the words "God" and "heaven" thinking about them in a Christian sense, but rather more generalized. Some words I've come to see as religious-neutral, if you will. Kinda like gender-neutral lol. In Hinduism, "God" is usually referred to as Brahman. The concept of Brahman definitely differs from the Christian God, though there are still multiple ways to view/interpret Brahman, but I've seen plenty of Hindu texts and read enough of it at this point to see the word God used fairly often. So to me, God no longer evokes much connection to Christianity tbh. I've also seen "heaven" used a handful of times in Hindu texts as well. Even within religions where reincarnation is the general consensus, there is still some sort of afterlife we are said to go to before that reincarnation happens. So "heaven" does not automatically equate to the Christian heaven for me now either. To me, they are simply words to express aspects of the divine.

Chris tells me he only works Monday through Thursday, with Fridays off, but that he does other stuff on the side for work. He stops talking and stares at me while I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh I wonder what else he does" but just like with the accident thing, I don't actually say what I'm thinking 😑 There is always a sort of disconnect between my brain and my mouth where I do not say something that there would be no issue with saying, or when I do actually say something, in the time it takes for my thought to travel to my mouth, the words that come out barely resemble the original thought. It's very frustrating at times. I say a lot of things I don't mean to say, or I don't say things at all when I want to. I’m in the process of learning just how much ADHD fucks with my life literally every day and I don’t like it. More on that later. I can also tell that Chris is a hard worker, which I like. Before Chris sat up on the counter, he had been going through my file. He said my birthday out loud, smiling while he did so, and he told me his birth year was 1987, which I had already figured out anyway since I had asked his age last year and he told me 36, so I did the math already lol. I was born in 1991. It's funny actually, one day last week I had been thinking about Chris when I opened up my personal email, and right at that second I received an email from the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation. In 2020, every month I donated to a few new places, which I don't recommend since they will constantly bombard you with emails and spam mail, but a few places I stayed subscribed to for whatever reasons. The C&D Foundation was one. I got curious and googled both of the Reeves and I shit you not, I literally cannot make this stuff up.

How funny is that??? I saw it and thought it was a cute coincidence.

At one point we get talking about Philly and I mention how I went to Temple. He says how bad it is there, which I already know lol, though campus was pretty safe. Then he says how you could get robbed, murdered, or God forbid, raped. That caught my attention because I thought it was really interesting that he said it like that. I don't think many people, men especially, would put rape before murder. Actually, in the Webtoons app on some comic I was reading forever ago, there was a discussion on one of the episodes where people were arguing in the comments about whether rape or murder was worse. Some people were on the fence, some said murder, a few said rape. I thought it was such a stupid conversation to have in the first place because both are terrible. People argue over the dumbest shit. Just say both are terrible and move on. It's weird to me when people make competitions out of things that really shouldn't be made into competitions. Anyway, I am curious as to why he would put it like that. Maybe there's no particular reason and I'm just overthinking it.

He also asks me about yoga and says he does yin and restorative. I knew about the yin, but the restorative is new. I tell him that's good since it balances his hockey. Yin and restorative would be both considered yin practices, whereas hockey would be yang. I didn't think of it at the moment, but doing some hatha would also be good since it would target smaller muscles that hockey doesn't and also it would be good for his spine. I know he leans over a lot because of his job, and both yin and restorative involve a lot of rounding of the spine usually, so hatha would bring in more space, lengthening, and straightening there. Yoga is really all about the spine in many ways, not just physically but energetically as well. I operate under the mindset that regardless of other activities, everyone should practice different types of yoga. I didn't think in the moment to say any of that, I think because I was just so impressed with his ability to naturally gravitate towards a practice that would bring in some balance towards his physical activities. Many people tend to only stick with one type (ie. People who are very active may gravitate towards the active yoga styles, where it would benefit them to do those less). I can always make suggestions to him later though. He did say I could show him some yoga, which I agreed I could do. He said he's pretty flexible and he posed real quick in a seated warrior. He was definitely showing off, but not at all in a bad way. It was really cute. If he was trying to charm me, it worked.

Of course, Chris took his mask off after he was finished with my cleaning. I get to observe his face more. He has features that I've always found attractive: brown eyes, imperfect teeth, lips on the thinner side, darker hair (though I also find the gray sexy). Not that I'm attracted to just anyone with those features though. I never come across anyone I’m attracted to lol. I can acknowledge someone is attractive but I don't really care about that. It doesn't make me attracted to them. It's very weird to me when people harp on about an attractive celebrity or follow people on social media just because they're good looking. I'm an outlier in that sense, I think. Someone being attractive just isn't something for me to linger on or care about in any way, unless I'm in a certain low mindset where I'm comparing myself to someone else, and even then, obviously it would only be other women. However, I am very attracted to Chris and think he's very handsome. His eyes really send me into another world. At one point we just locked eyes and smiled at each other and it was so nice. I was trying to think of something to compare his eye color to, something natural, but honestly every brown I come across seems too dull and also isn't the right shade. If I had to pick something, I would say the chocolate chips in homemade cookies that just came out of the oven. I'm fairly certain the color would be accurate, but they're also warm and glistening just like Chris's eyes.

Seeing all of him is quite the experience. I haven’t really had the chance for that to happen, since I’ve only been able to really see his face briefly and because of his work clothes, I also haven’t been able to see his body well. I mean, I have still been attracted to him since day one, even physically, like that pull was always there, but I haven’t been able to see him fully until now. And it’s making me crazy. The second time I had touched him, I gently brought my fingers to the tattoo above his right elbow. It’s an alien smoking lol. He told me his one sister did it for him and that she also did one above his hip. He doesn’t say what the one above his hip is, but I probably wouldn’t have heard him anyway because my mind immediately latched onto what his hips look like, then that thought morphed into imagining what it would feel like for his hips to thrust up against me, his hard body hitting up against the softness of mine. 🙃🙃🙃 I am definitely not alone in my dirty thoughts though. Chris has always expressed when his thoughts have wandered into that direction, and I actually got to see it this time. It was towards the end of my cleaning when Chris had gotten up, and I felt some toothpaste around my mouth. I stuck my tongue out and over to the right to try and lick it off. Chris had turned around so we were facing each other, and I looked over at him and was surprised to see a serious look on his face while he was staring intently at me. I immediately could tell he was having dirty thoughts, but it took me a second to realize it was because of what I was doing. It didn’t even cross my mind that me trying to lick toothpaste off around my mouth would come across as sexy lol. I do like the face he’s making though. Seeing him turned on is a turn on for me.

Chris had touched me at my one appointment with him, the one from last May. Based on what I’ve observed, he seems like he would be very physically affectionate, so I am curious as to why he hasn’t touched me again. Maybe he thought it wasn’t well-received, but it was. I want him to pull me in close. I want that a lot. He would also make a very good addition to me and Weasley’s snuggle sessions. I want to know what he feels like up close. I want to feel his body heat and what his arms feel like wrapped around me. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to experience everything about him, both internally and externally.

Chris makes me really nervous, but in a good way, but it does make my mind go blank at times so I can’t think of anything to say, so at a certain point I look down at my ring and play with it for a few seconds, moving it up and down. When I look back up, Chris is watching me and smiling. He can probably tell that I'm nervous. We talk a bit more about a few things: he approves of the toothpaste I use, I make fun of his handwriting on my appt card, I mention how I'll be cutting a lot of my hair off soon, I mention how I shed everywhere and he asks me if he thinks any hair would come out if he pulled it lol. He has to get ready for his next appointment, so I have to leave. When I get up, he tells me I look really good. I have my gaze cast downwards as I adjust my pants, and I wish I had looked up to see what his face looked like at that moment, especially because we were standing so close. I tell him to let me know when he's not busy so we can go do something, and he says he will. He kept saying during my whole appointment that he's always really busy. It would be nice to see him more often than every 6 months, so I wanted to give him the green light to do that if he does want to. He told me to text him, so maybe he was also telling me in his own way to reach out. When I do message him, he doesn't usually say much, so I never know whether he wants to talk to me or not. Maybe I have just been getting him at bad times, or maybe he doesn't realize that he's not that great at messaging lol. He told me the same thing at the end of my last appointment, so I guess he does want to hear from me. I will just have to reach out with something more specific rather than asking how he's doing, cuz that doesn't get me anywhere. I am cutting my hair within the next few weeks and I told him he'd see it, so I could send him that.

I did message him on Sunday to ask if he got his motorcycle, and he told me he had just gotten back with it and that he had to register it and whatnot. I was really excited for him. He told me how he had been messaging with this guy on Facebook about a motorcycle, but the guy gave it to someone else, which is why he ended up going to Maryland for this one. He seemed bummed about the other one, but I could tell he was still excited to have found another bike. I was genuinely happy for him. When I messaged him too it was because I was honestly curious and hoping that it worked out for him. I wasn’t trying to force anything. I tend to always keep a tight grip on things, pushing to make stuff happen, not just romantically but in all areas of my life. In esoteric terms, this is known as Masculine energy. I do best when I release that and get into Feminine energy instead, a state of flow, allowing, and trusting. It took me a bit to get here, but it feels nice and comforting now that I’ve arrived. Being in this state in the past has also ended up being times where things have gone smoothly for me. Everyone has both Masc and Fem energies within them, as certain times and situations require one over the other, but we all also have a natural energy that is best for us to default to. It’s not always the same as your gender/sex, though for many people it could be. Mine is definitely feminine.

I want to go back to the “busy” thing for a moment too. He repeated it several times throughout my entire appointment, but that’s not the only thing he kept repeating. He also kept saying how since his appt before me didn’t show up, he didn’t want to keep me waiting. I didn’t think there was a need for him to repeat either thing, so then I started wondering if he had a reason for repeating them. Was he trying to tell me something else? Was he trying to tell me that he just has things going on and that he hasn’t been purposely making me wait for something to finally happen? I’m not sure. It could be me just reading too much into things, but at all my other appointments, he hasn’t repeated himself like that.

Chris talks a bit about his schooling and how he needed to learn a lot about nutrition. I try to contribute like one thing, but he already knew 😑 So I’m just not going to contribute to that topic ever unless it’s something he says he doesn’t know. I was so embarrassed, which wasn’t his fault at all. I did it to myself. It's really cute how he doesn't know where any place is. At my last appointment I mentioned 2 areas he's never been to, and it happened at least 3 times at this appointment. He does know where I live since he went to the college near my apartment. The final time I mentioned an area he didn't know about was when he was talking about Route 1**. I said oh i grew up in B******r. I thought maybe he might know it since part of that route runs straight through town, but he said he didn't. I smiled and looked at him also smiling, and there was a certain sparkle in his eye, like he was prepared for me to make a comment on how he doesnt know where anyplace is, which I was highly considering just when the check-out desk lady walked in. She has someone's file that is missing some sort of chart. They're talking a lot of dental office jargon so mostly I'm not paying attention and just watching Chris, thinking about how biteable his bottom lip is. After she leaves, he asks me what else I've been up to and I tell him how I started playing guitar again. He exclaimed "yeah-eahhh!!" And it was so genuine 😭 He asked if I would write any of my own stuff and I said I probably would but that I'm not there yet, but that I've been writing a new poem every day this year. I notice I’ve shed my hair a few times all over the seat and I say something about it. I have medium-thick hair and Weasley has medium-length, thick fur, so I am always cleaning up hair and fur that gets everywhere. I tell Chris how I am always finding clumps of my hair or Weasley’s fur everywhere, and Chris says he wouldn’t mind.

Traffic was god awful on my way home, so it took me almost double the time to get home. I was only in the door for a few minutes when he messaged me saying, "You're sexy as hell". I responded back thanking him and saying right back at ya, and he responded with the smiley devil emoji 😈. So that was all he had to say. He's too funny.

When I got into bed Thursday night, I was assessing how I was feeling because it hit me that I felt a sort of fullness. I wanted to take a closer look at that. The usual that I've felt since day one were all there: content, warm, seen, understood. There were two that were not necessarily new, but that I felt more strongly this time: enough and whole. The latter two stood out to me, as well as the understood one. It's interesting because I have felt very misunderstood lately, but I easily slipped out of that somehow because of Chris. I still don't quite understand that, but that's okay. Just because I have a question doesn't mean it needs to be answered right away. The enoughness thing stood out to me for several reasons. One being that it's a really good way for me to gauge that Chris is being genuine, and second being that I know some things I will never have to worry about. I still have some underlying relationship fears, and they haven't come up yet but I'm sure at some point they will, but I know that either they won't be an issue with Chris or if they do pop up that they will be able to be handled in a sensitive and constructive manner. I know that I can rest. It's a strange feeling simply because it is foreign to me. I am not used to not having the rug pulled out from underneath me. I'm not used to not being on guard, waiting for something shitty to be said to me/about me or done to me. I'm not used to not going home and crying because someone else was so careless, reckless, selfish. I know I don't know Chris that well, so I really don't have any way of explaining how I know that none of that will be an issue. I guess it's a combined effort of what I've observed so far and some sort of intuitive knowing that I can't quite explain logically. And the whole wholeness thing...it's not that I am incomplete on my own or anything like that. I don't actually know how to explain that feeling further or rationalize it, I just feel that it's there. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Like, I can feel it, I can identify what that feeling is, but I'm not sure why I feel it or what it means. Another question I don't have an answer to yet. After my appointment with Chris I thought oh wow nothing weird happened this time, which I was fine with since enough has already happened since day one. But now upon further reflection, I realize I was wrong lol.

I was thinking about how if Chris's eyes are the chocolate chips, then the rest of him is the rest of the homemade cookie. He's warm, sweet, delightful, and enjoyable 😊🥰😋🤤 I also could indulge in him every day. He is a nice balance of consistent and surprising, sweet and silly, cute and sexy. For most of the time I've known him, I have kept thinking, "God, this man just seems too good to be true", but I stopped thinking that. I think that Chris is actually genuinely, decently good. I can rest. I can rest here in the safeness of this person and it makes me want to cry. Safety has been such a foreign concept to me, and it’s only one I’ve ever really found within myself. I don’t have much, but I have a roof over my head, a place that’s my own, and I’ve worked hard to become the person that I am today and that I’m still becoming. Growing up was always like walking on eggshells, on waiting to be told or shown how terrible I was. Growing into an adult wasn’t much different. While I have good friendships with people I do trust, mainly women, it is still not the same. It is not the same as this. Sometimes I feel weird writing all of this stuff about Chris. Scratch that, I always feel weird writing this stuff about Chris. I don’t know how he would feel reading it, seeing how this woman who barely knows him somehow has all of this beneath the surface and all because of him. I really don’t understand a lot of it. I wouldn’t even be able to explain. The things I’ve noticed about him and that I like, certainly, I can explain that stuff. But the things where I’m like, “Okay, so this weird thing happened” or “I just know”, those things I have no explanation for. Some of it I could try to rationalize, but other stuff, there’s nothing definitive to point to. It’s just there. It doesn’t make sense to me that it’s there, but it is, and I don’t want to feel sorry about that, but on some level I do, because I feel like it might be seen as very odd that I have all of this going on within me while in the physical realm nothing has progressed much to warrant all of that. I’m not forcing anything either; this all just keeps coming up. I have been very, very self-aware that my past self has at times put people on a pedestal and tried to make them fit into my idea of them, and so I’ve been keeping tabs on myself, making sure I’m not doing that, not building someone up inside my mind. I haven’t done that at all with Chris. I’ve simply been observing him, taking him at face-value as best I can, then all this stuff hit me out of nowhere without me looking for it or trying to make something happen. It’s natural. All of it. A part of me feels guilty, but it’s honestly been out of my control. I’m trying my best not to think about it and to just keep focusing on what I can control, but it still pops up here and there. I don’t know if the same thing is happening on Chris’s end, so in my mind I’m just like, “I’m sorry if this is weird 😭”. I have to trust it though. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I’ve never met anyone like Chris. There’s definitely something there and despite not knowing for certain what it is, I’m going to lean into that. This is special. Chris is special. Those two things I’m certain of.

I’ve also always kind of had the mindset of questioning the good in my life. I’ve always wondered what makes me deserving of it. Even up until very recently, I’ve still had these thoughts. Somehow, I’ve been working through that without even intending to. By no longer questioning this, I’ve also found a shift within myself to acknowledge that if this really is a good thing, if Chris is really a good man, then I am deserving of all of it. Another thing I can’t explain, but being around Chris Thursday also seemed to really push me in that direction. When I fell asleep that night, that was part of that enoughness feeling. I don’t have to be a saint to have good things and good people in my life. I don’t need to be perfect in order for a good relationship and good person to enter my life. That might sound kind of stupid, but for me in a certain sense, it’s revelatory. And of course, it’s not just Chris. I have been working hard on releasing and healing certain things that have definitely been affecting this shift as well, so I don’t want to discount that because it would be doing myself a disservice. I’m excited to see what will come of this, but for now, I am just trying to enjoy where I’m at in the present on my own journey.

Since I've already hinted at it a few times, I'm going to transition into talking about my ADHD now. I am finally back on Strattera!!!!! In chronological order, I have been on: Strattera, Wellbutrin, Vyvanse, Concerta, and Adderall. For over a year now I have been trying one thing after another, getting mixed results and side effects. Strattera is the only thing that helped with all of my symptoms, but I had developed really bad Akathisia when I went up to 40 mg. So we are going to keep me at 25 mg for 2-3 months and see how I do on that. I’ve only been taking it again for 2 weeks, so it hasn’t kicked in yet. It usually takes about 6-8 weeks to notice any changes. Even if 25 mg doesn’t do anything, I know that 40 will, so that is something to look forward to, but we will just have to figure out what to do regarding the Akathisia. I could wait it out this time to see if it passes, because there’s a chance it might. My therapist also told me there is a medication to combat it, so I could ask my psychiatrist if she knows about that. While I’d rather not add another medication on top, I will if that’s what it takes. The relief that Strattera gave me was amazing. Nothing was difficult. I was able to do everything I wanted to in a day without wasting time lost in useless thoughts or mental resistance. My focus was insane, as was my productivity. I didn’t have several thoughts in my head bombarding me all at once. I didn’t get overstimulated, or lose track of my thoughts, or forget what I was talking about half-way through a sentence, or put something down and forget where I put it as soon as I leave the room, or get constantly distracted, or struggle with finding the right words, or space out and struggle with paying attention, or feel like every little task was this huge mountain to climb. Everything was so fucking easy and I remember thinking, “Oh okay, so this is what it’s like to be normal”. People without ADHD just do things, and that is such a foreign concept to me. I remember one night after work, I cooked dinner, ate, cleaned up, did yoga, read a book, and it was only 8:30 by the time I finished! Normally, just mustering up the energy to cook and eat will take me to like 7:00/7:30. What else I do in a night is a mystery to me because I rarely get anything done. Lately I’ve been making sure my headphones are charged so that I can pop on some music or podcasts. It’s literally the only way for me to push through and do stuff. It’s not full-proof, and I don't get everything done that I need to, but it’s better than nothing. I don’t know what it is, but maybe it gives me something else to focus on other than the task. It’s not even that I find stuff boring or don’t want to get stuff done, there’s just no dopamine in doing certain things, so it’s hard for me to initiate.

I had the pharmacogenetics test done back in February, but only recently a few weeks ago found out it came with a diagnostic portion. I looked over mine and there was one section in blue that stood out:

I thought seeing something like that would make me feel good, but it didn’t. On one hand, I had something to show my mom, who kept complaining about not having definitive “proof” of me having ADHD despite me having been evaluated and diagnosed by three separate psychiatrists over the last decade, but on the other hand, seeing it there made me feel like there was really something wrong with me. Like, I already knew that there was, but seeing it “on paper” hit a bit differently. I’ve been reading up a lot this past year on ADHD and a lot of things I never even knew were symptoms are. Certain things that I’ve always thought were character flaws are actually not that at all. It’s been simultaneously enlightening and depressing. I’ve also seen how other people, aside from my mom, react to me telling them I have ADHD. People give me a look, like they’re not sure whether to believe me, and I’ve even been asked, “Are you sure?”, as if I haven’t lived through this struggle every day of my life. There’s a reason why I have continued to pursue a diagnosis and treatment. I have read enough about ADHD to know that I have it, to look at my life and recognize that the things I struggle with daily are not my fault. None of it is some personal moral failings, it’s literally because I have a mental illness/disability that prevents me from living and acting in ways that are easy to others, and here was the proof of that, right before my eyes. Girls are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD because they display symptoms differently from boys, even when the hyperactivity is active and recognizable, so many don’t get proper diagnosis until they reach adulthood. Growing up people around me always commented on how I was in my own world, I got called an airhead, I always got in trouble for not paying attention. Not a single adult in my life ever brought up that I might have ADHD. I know it was a different time when I was growing up, but it still hurts. I also really hate how people still treat mental health. My mental health shouldn’t be commented on, yet people make it their business to. Everyone thinks they’re a psychiatrist and that they have the right to affirm or deny another person’s diagnosis simply because of their own inflated sense of ego that tells them their opinion is fact and that just because they haven’t seen something means it must not exist. Acting like the brain can’t get sick is so stupid. It’s our most complex organ, yet people act like mental illnesses aren’t real or aren’t a big deal, despite the brain literally affecting everything. I can’t stand humanity sometimes.

There’s been a lot of studies done on the COMT genetic mutation and its association with ADHD. There’s different types of mutations and the one I have, the Val/Val mutation, has the highest connection to ADHD symptoms. That mutation is seen more in those with the external hyperactive symptoms, but it doesn’t mean that external hyperactivity will definitely be there. (I say external here because the “hyperactive” elements are still present in those with ADD subtype, it’s just that the hyperactivity is confined to the mind.) When this gene has the mutation of producing too many enzymes, then that means dopamine is getting processed too quickly in the prefrontal cortex, which is where executive functioning happens. Not enough dopamine means executive functioning skills become impaired. Those with low activity of the COMT enzymes don’t process dopamine in the prefrontal cortex quick enough, which means they are at risk for having higher levels of dopamine that can result in serotonin syndrome, which when left untreated, can be deadly. Now that I’m writing about this, it actually makes sense that Strattera, a reuptake inhibitor, has been more helpful for me than stimulants. Reuptake inhibitors prevent absorption from happening too quickly, but the stimulants simply raise dopamine levels. Since my problem is dopamine being processed too quickly, simply raising dopamine levels might not be good enough, or I might have to raise them a lot. It makes sense that a reuptake inhibitor would solve my problem better. Interesting.

My psychiatrist actually originally wanted to try me on Ritalin next if the Adderall didn’t work, but the Adderall ended up giving me a really bad flare up with my bladder disorder. My psychiatrist told me how stimulants can affect the bladder, but I forget what she said regarding why that happens. Regardless, she didn’t think it was a good idea to continue down the stimulant path because of that. I’m pretty sure they have my bladder disorder on record, but maybe she overlooked it. I didn’t react to Vyvanse or Concerta, but maybe cuz they were at lower doses. If I continued on those, I would have had to increase my dosage because the lower dosages weren’t cutting it. The Vyvanse made me crash though, so I wasn’t about to increase my dosage on that. The Concerta worked fairly well for what it helped with, but it wasn’t targeting as many symptoms as I would’ve liked. I know stimmies are a different breed from the non-stimmies, so I didn’t expect them to work as well as the Straterra, but I still wanted them to feel like they were worth taking, and I never felt that way. Apparently like 20-30% of people with ADHD aren’t really affected that much by stimmies, and I think I might fall into that bracket. Unlike the Straterra, the Welly-b didn’t do anything for me except increase my anxiety, and my dosage got upped like 2 or 3 times. Each time my anxiety just got worse but none of my ADHD symptoms improved. Strattera is pretty much my only option at this point, so I’m glad that I have previously seen success with it. It gives me something to look forward to.

When I was with my old psychiatrist, she did want to drop me back down to 25 mg, but I was very impatient (another symptom of ADHD). I had been wanting to switch to a different psych office for awhile, so it ended up working out in the end, and I am glad I got to try stimmies so I can see that they don’t work well enough for me. I feel like a lot of different parts of my life are finally coming together, and I know that it’s because this past year or so has really been about me learning to be okay with waiting and being patient, working through certain things, and also to stop pushing and allow myself to simply let go. Some periods are for healing, not striving. Some periods are for deep introspection and learning, not action. I feel like I do a pretty decent job of being objective when I need to be, but the past two years have really required me to take a good hard look at myself from a multiple angles to see where I am self-sabotaging and where I have been in my own way, what I’ve been avoiding, how I’ve been lying to myself, etc. There was something I said last night in therapy about all of this, but I don’t remember what it was. It was one of those prolific things that comes in a moment of deep wisdom, that after you say it it’s gone forever. That happens to me all the time when I teach. No two classes will ever be the same because of those deep, insightful moments. Maybe one day I will figure out a way to retain that wisdom, but for now, like a butterfly I managed to catch between my palms, it will continue to fly away from me the moment I open my palms.

I have been off Adderall for about 3 weeks or so, but I'm still trying to recover from it. It messed my sleep up so badly. I already don't get enough sleep, but with Adderall it got to the point where I was only sleeping 2-4 hours a night. I'm slowly getting back to my usual 5-6 hours. Hopefully being on Strattera will get me to a healthy 7-8. Usually 7.5 is perfect for me, but that hasn't happened for a long time. I was thinking about how I don’t really have any big thing to move through atm. For the longest time, I was focusing on specific things, and now I’m just like, “Okay, what next?”. It’s probably a bit of a problem that I really don’t know what to do with myself unless I’m working through some major thing I’m dealing with. I know there’s still stuff to work through, but nothing is really asking for my attention right now. It feels weird. I think though that maybe I can use this time for extra rest, to simply focus on how I can handle some of my ADHD symptoms and to focus on restoring my sleep. That doesn’t feel quite **big** enough to garner all of my attention, even though it is very important, but I'm trying to get myself into the mindset of allowing myself to enjoy a period where I’m not working so hard. I can rest. It is okay for me to rest. (Side note: I wrote this section during my lunch today, then later, one of the tarot readers I follow posted her Friday current energy check-in, and she actually mentioned what I was talking about here for the Libra reading, which is me 😁 Ali was one of the first tarot readers I’ve ever followed, because she uses tarot correctly, so not as any sort of future-predicting kind of thing, but reading what’s there and then giving actionable advice on it. I only follow a few readers, and she’s one of them because she’s very insightful and most of the time I find her readings to be accurate in regards to my own life. Here’s the video from today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0--6Z4dKGY)

In a sense though, this is a really big thing for me to take on. It takes me at least 2-3 times as long as it takes non-ADHD people to do stuff because I have to push through mental barriers, I continuously get distracted, I start something then don’t finish it, and I have so many thoughts about one thing that it makes completing a task take so much longer. Lately I have been trying to keep up with cleaning and tidying as well as going through my entire apartment and getting rid of stuff, so that means I do not have the time or mental energy to focus on other things, like cooking good meals and attending to my hobbies like I want to. Unfortunately, focusing on one thing means everything else gets neglected a bit. If I try to focus on everything, nothing will get done, so this is a necessary sacrifice. My poems have been suffering a lot. I’m not up to par and I’ve been mostly writing haikus, senryus, and lunes most days. Writing every day has been a good way to process a lot going on in my life, the good and the bad, and I’ve been enjoying seeing what can come out of me. I wrote about my friend who had inappropriately touched me without my consent, and it’s interesting because one of the lines reminded me of something Chris said to me at my appointment with him. He said, “You have really pointy canine teeth. Did you know that?”, which of course I did lol. (He might not have said canine but several of my teeth there are really pointy, so it still stands.) I asked him if people ever came in to get the vampire teeth done and he talked a bit about that. In the poem I just mentioned I wrote, “I run my tongue across my teeth and wish I could feel daggers”. I wrote it as a way to express wishing for a natural defense mechanism against predators, which in this case would be a man. I wrote this two weeks before my appointment with Chris. There’s been quite a few things he’s said to me where it related to something I had been thinking about recently. It’s interesting.

I wrote a poem a little over a week ago about my Uncle Albert after asking my dad some questions about him during a phone conversation. He was a Libra, born on September 24, 1964, so I was right about that. My dad didn’t share a whole lot, as it was making him a bit emotional since he’s been dealing with the death of his girlfriend, but he did tell me how my Uncle Albert took home ec class in high school and how much of a terrible baker he was. I was also a terrible baker too. I wrote that in my poem, then added, “the difference is I grew old enough to get better at it”. My uncle committed suicide when he was 21. I realized something in regards to that too. So my Unlce Albert was 21, I’m fairly positive my cousin John John was 22 when he was murdered, I was 23 when I attempted suicide (though obviously I didn’t die), and my cousin Vincent was 24 when he died. None of that probably means anything, I just thought it was interesting. My brain is always trying to find connections like that. Anyway, before I began writing my poem, I just kinda put that message out there, “If you’re here, could you tell me somehow?”, then I immediately noticed the Amazon bag I had thrown on my armchair. I thought maybe it would fall off or something since it was kinda teetering on the edge. So I go down onto the floor laying on my belly, propped up on a pillow, and I’m writing away. Then when I finish, I put my pen down, and literally a second later, the Amazon bag makes a loud popping noise. I’m not sure that that is definitive “proof” of anything, but it was oddly specific. I didn’t go anywhere near the bag before I started writing, and it had been sitting there for like two days cuz I kept forgetting about it, so it wasn’t like I touched it recently or anything. I have had only smaller experiences with the other side, nothing really too crazy, though Idk what is within the normal range of what other people have experienced. I decided to sign up for this Mediumship event happening at the end of June. The guy who does them occasionally had them at the yoga studio I trained under and taught at before it closed. The owner, Barbara, was very particular about who she allowed to teach or have events at her studio, and she raved about this guy’s abilities. I always wanted to go to check it out, but never really felt “called” to do so until now. I do have some hesitation about fully believing because this guy is not just communicating with the other side in regards to himself, he’s communicating with spirits connected to other people. Then I started thinking about how I’ve had crazy experiences and apparently have spiritual abilities not everyone has that other people would probably doubt me on, so fuck it. I’ll indulge. So yeah, I’m hoping that someone comes through for me. That would be nice. I mentioned it to Joyce yesterday and she said she’s actually doing a private mediumship event in July to see if Craig comes through. I told her I would let her know how mine goes since I’ll be attending mine first. The one I’m going to isn’t private, but it is capped at 28 attendees. It’s 2 hours, but not everyone gets a message from him either because of time constraints or no one comes through. I’m crossing my fingers for myself.

So this post was not supposed to be this long 😅 I originally only intended to write about the most important things from my appointment with Chris, but ended up writing about a good 80-90% of it lol. Everything felt important. I think also because my posts about him for a while have mostly been just me overthinking everything, so it was nice to write about some good stuff happening. I can’t wait to see what happens next 🥰

#this was 15 pages in google docs #i'm a little insane #it's a jumbled mess #not in chronological order #no smooth transitions #i also switch between past and present tenses a lot #but this is too long to edit all of that #anyway going to watch lisa frankenstain and have some drinks #last week was great 🥰#chris #uncle albert #adhd #personal

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trapangeles · 1 year ago

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Tragedy Strikes as Two Models Found Dead in Downtown Los Angeles

In a heartbreaking series of events, the vibrant and bustling streets of downtown Los Angeles have been shaken by the tragic deaths of two young models within a week. As investigators work tirelessly to unravel the mysteries surrounding these unsettling incidents, the community is left in shock and mourning.

Maleesa Mooney: A Life Cut Short

The first victim, 31-year-old Maleesa Mooney, was not just a model but also a thriving real estate agent. Her life took a tragic turn when she was discovered lifeless in her luxurious Bunker Hill apartment. Concerns arose when Maleesa abruptly ceased responding to calls and texts from her worried family. "When a week went by, we just knew something was off," expressed Bailey Babb, Maleesa Mooney's cousin. "Her messages weren't delivering, and we knew something was up because we all have a special relationship with Maleesa."

The circumstances surrounding Maleesa Mooney's passing remain shrouded in mystery as authorities have yet to release any details regarding potential injuries or causes of death. However, they have confirmed that her case is being treated as a homicide, intensifying the urgency of the investigation.

Nichole "Nikki" Coats: A Life Taken Too Soon

Just three days following Maleesa's tragic discovery, the city was rocked by yet another devastating loss. 32-year-old Nichole "Nikki" Coats was found lifeless in her own apartment by concerned family members. Nikki had become unresponsive to attempts at contact, causing great worry among her loved ones.

"I couldn't recognize her," recounted May Stevens, Nikki's aunt, who was among the family members who made the grim discovery. "I believe it was murder, I really do."

Family members recall the last conversation they had with Nikki, in which she mentioned going on a date on Friday, September 8th. Sadly, this would be the final interaction they would have with her.

While Maleesa Mooney's case is currently classified as a murder, the circumstances surrounding Nikki Coats' death are still being treated as "suspicious" as of the latest updates.

Loved and Cherished

Amidst the ongoing investigations, the families of both Maleesa Mooney and Nikki Coats have come forward to emphasize the profound impact these young women had on those who knew them. Maleesa's sister described her as a "peacemaker" and the "backbone" of their family, while Nikki's mother fondly remembered her daughter as someone who "didn't have any enemies" and was "loved by friends and the community."

The heart-wrenching loss of these two individuals has left a void in the lives of their families and the wider community. As investigators tirelessly work to uncover the truth, the hope for justice burns bright.

Seeking Answers

For anyone with information related to either of these cases, we urge you to reach out to the Los Angeles Police Department at 1-877-527-3247. Every piece of information, no matter how small it may seem, could potentially bring solace to the grieving families and help in the pursuit of justice.

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#trapLA #Downtown Los Angeles #Models #Tragic Deaths #Homicide Investigation #Maleesa Mooney #Nichole Coats #Suspicious Death #Community Mourning #Los Angeles Police Department #Seeking Answers

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servin-up-surveys · 1 year ago

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survey #157

Who was the last male you were introduced to? I'm pretty sure that woulda been Girt's childhood best friend & still very good friend Josh. He's the son of his mom's best friend so came with us to lunch on Mother's Day.

What was your first impression of him? I thought he was very friendly and polite, and I was happy to finally meet him with how close he and Girt were/are, I'd heard lots about him already.

Name one of your favourite foods that starts with the letter "F." Fries, lol I have been craving fries real bad lately and surveys haven't been helping.

Who is the 8th contact in your phone? Is he/she in a relationship? That's my hairdresser, and yes, she's married.

What were you like as a 12-year-old? Extremely fucking annoying and thought she was so random and funny and interesting like no bitch you JUST sucked.

What colour are the eyes of the last female you text messaged? My mom has brown eyes.

Do you like Lucky Charms? I do, but I have to be in the mood for them. The marshmallow bits can be too sweet for me sometimes, but then the regular pieces are boring lol.

Skittles or M&Ms? Skittles. Especially the sour ones.

How many different colors of the rainbow have you dyed your hair? Red, green, and purple, so three. I feel like I once had blue highlights, too.

How were you taught to memorize the colors of the rainbow in order? I think I can mostly credit the childhood book What Makes a Rainbow?, which features colored ribbons being added on with each page, and then a full rainbow arch on the last page. I LOVED it and read it obsessively as a kid. Any book with interactive features, I fuckin' loved 'em. I can only imagine how complex they've gotten by now.

Do you like Froot Loops? Yes, that actually sounds really good right now.

Do you like babies? They stress me out, more than anything. Sometimes they're cute, but I'd prefer to just watch them without any responsibility over them.

What’s your favorite type of bear? I feel like I tend to find pandas the cutest, but I also love polar and grizzly bears.

Bambi, Brave, or Beauty and the Beast? I only remember the last one; I've never watched all of Bambi surprisingly, I don't know the story besides he loses his mother, however I've WANTED to see Brave, I like the idea of it a lot.

Favorite breakfast food? It varies with my mood, I like a lot of breakfast foods. It can be waffles, bacon, breakfast biscuits, sausage, pancakes...

Do you enjoy bubble baths? I don't like baths.

Do you like bologna? I do.

Favorite kind of bird? Barn owls are #1, ESPECIALLY melanistic ones! I love so many kinds of birds though, like bearded vultures, Dracula parrots, ravens and crows, great horned owls, and honestly just owls in general lol, I get SO fucking excited when I see an owl.

What is your favorite color? Pink, specifically lighter shades.

What is your favorite type of cookie? I'm super basic, I really love a good ol' soft and gooey chocolate chip cookie.

Which is creepiest - caterpillars, cicadas, crickets, centipedes, or cockroaches? Cicadas actually REALLY creep me out with their eyes, like seeing one unexpectedly is genuinely alarming to me, I probably will yell in surprise. It's strange because another part of me is like, they're kinda a lil bit cute, but the creepy factor overrides it by a long shot. Centipedes aren't creepy to me, I really think they just look straight-up cool, however they're the one I'd least want on me because their bites are no fucking joke. Caterpillars and crickets don't creep me out at all, and for some reason cockroaches don't elicit any sort of fearful reaction either, I think because I tend to think of hissing roaches, which I may want as pets someday, they're actually quite liked among invertebrate pet lovers.

Have you ever had a dog? Yeah, we've had a few and have one now too.

Daffodils, daisies, or dandelions? I think I gotta go with dandelions, primarily for their puffy white phase.

Do you know anyone who has diabetes? Oh plenty of people, even I myself am pre-diabetic, though at this point only barely, thankfully.

What is your dad’s name? Kenneth, but everyone calls him Ken.

Do you dye eggs at Easter time? Not anymore, but my sisters and I did as kids.

Did you have an Elf on the Shelf growing up? No actually, I was late to learning that was even a thing. My sister does it with her kids, though, and they love it.

How many members are in your favourite band? I know Rammstein has six, and Wikipedia is telling me Ozzy's band consists of four other guys right now, but I have no idea how accurate that is, I don't keep up with anyone in the band but him.

How does alcohol affect you? I get hot and my face flushes quite badly, and it seems like I loosen up and relax more, but I've never really drank enough to see a super obvious change in me emotions-wise.

What is your favorite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that actually really likes Domino's - usually, because they absolutely know how to overdo the amount of garlic. The best pizza I've ever had though was literally at a kid's birthday party at a trampoline park haha, it was incredible, like I couldn't believe how good that shit was.

What was the last concert you attended, and who did you go with? Alice Cooper, and I went with Mom, Jason, and even my little sister, who went just for the hell of it, she hated the actual concert lol, but we all had fun. That was a great night.

Have you ever tried lemon brownies? No, I don't think I'd like that. I love plenty of lemon-flavored things, but not stuff like brownies and similar desserts.

How far away is the closest McDonald’s from your house? Probably not even five minutes, it's very close. It would be extremely short if we weren't in a busy area with a few stoplights between us and there.

Are your siblings allergic to anything? I know Nicole is allergic to latex, her skin reacts very badly, but that's all that I know of.

Has your house ever had a pest infestation? "Infestation" is definitely too strong of a word; two houses ago, we'd sometimes get mice in the winter, but it was unsurprising given where we lived in the literal woods. In this house, we occasionally get flare-ups of ants in a few spots, but I still think "infestation" denotes a serious problem with pest presence.

Is love an overused word? Not at all; I don't think you should say it unless you mean it, and I get that some people don't have that standard, but there is no limit to how much love you can give.

Least favorite band? I second what the person I copied this from said, who has designated least favorite bands? Like when you hear a band that you consistently don't like over a few songs, it's not like you go through their entire discography to see just how much you hate them.

What is the meanest thing someone has ever said or done to you? Invalidated the trauma I've experienced/basically called me a liar and insisted I was a weak-willed deadweight.

Do you believe in the Loch Ness Monster? I'm doubtful it ever existed, and if it ever did, it was just some extremely lucky plesiosaur. I find it very doubtful that it wouldn't have been dredged up by now if there was still one in those waters, and as a matter of fact no plesiosaur bones have been found in that area anyway. Even the person who took the extremely famous photograph admitted on his deathbed that it was faked, explaining how he did it: a toy submarine with literally just a plastic head attached. Just to ensure I was speaking accurately I did some quick googling too, and there's more evidence that there was never a plesiosaur in those waters.

How about Ouija boards? I really don't know; like I'm open about believing in spirits of some sort, but I don't know how realistic it is to believe a fuckin' kid's toy is gonna let you communicate with them, and I definitely don't believe you're talking with demons. I still personally would not mess with one though, just because I don't think even the chance is worth it, that is a world we know literally nothing about.

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Open, Roman loses his shit if my door is ever closed for ANY reason, regardless of what side he's on, lol.

Where is your dad right now? Probably at work, I'm pretty sure he still works Fridays.

Do you write a lot? Not as much these days, but I still absolutely enjoy doing it, especially when I get a burst of motivation and/or creativity.

Do people tell you that you’re attractive? Not often, no. The only person who will consistently say so is Girt.

Do you kill bugs? Not really, unless we're talking about a random ant in the house. Teeny-tiny bugs I just randomly may see in the house I rarely do anything to, and if I ever found a larger insect, I'd want to bring it outside. I'd never deliberately kill a bug while outside, like that's their home, and seeing people who are just dead-set on killing something non-furry in its natural habitat really disturb me.

Are you afraid of the dark? No, but I sure as hell hate navigating in it, my night vision is HORRIFIC; I'm only ever comfortable in the dark if my eyes have had time to adjust.

Who was the last person or people you hung out with? My mom actually, I stayed in the living room longer than just dinner to watch some Naked And Afraid with her.

Where was the last place you went? Neurologist's office to update him on my legs; even though we now know with certainty it wasn't a nerve problem, I'm still seeing him again in six months to check for continued improvement now that physical therapy is over.

What color is your underwear? Right now I'm not wearing any, my period's been over a few days and I'm in pajama pants in my own house, so.

Do you like sports? No, they really disinterest me. The ONLY exception is dance, I love watching dance routines.

Do you like art? Art is one of the prime things that makes life worth living, to me.

Do you like math? No, I have always struggled severely with math. Even during my last attempt at college, I failed Algebra miserably. My brain just can't wrap itself around numbers and how they interact, even with tutoring.

Would you ever travel to a country without indoor plumbing? Eek... gotta be honest, probably not. That kinda stuff is really important to me.

Can you change the oil on a car? No, I have no idea how you do this. I've never had my own car, probably never will.

Favorite kind of sandwich? Y'know I really like a good peanut butter and jelly, but I don't always want that; more often I'm in the mood for a ham and cheese w/ mustard sandwich, but I still think I enjoy pb&js more.

Are you afraid of heights? Sure am, especially because I'm one of those weird people that get the "what if you jumped off" intrusive thoughts, not out of being suicidal or anything, it's just there, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Those thoughts are so strange, like why the hell do we think some things we do, lol.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A little bit before Mother's Day 2022. My sisters and I had photos taken with Mom.

Do you think musicals are classy? YES, they elicit this completely unwilling but super strong cringe response from me, which I really hate because I despise cringe culture; the idea that people should feel ashamed for liking something innocent is completely shitty and I want nothing to do with it, but christ I have never been able to stop myself from feeling the reaction. I don't feel it towards people who do like musicals at least, it's just the content itself.

Favorite type of fruit pie? I'm not a pie person. I love peach cobbler though, and that's kinda close, right?

Cheetos or Fritos? Cheetos, not a fan of the latter.

Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Ugh, neither. I like chocolate-covered peanuts, though.

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No, I've never like, pictured an ideal occupation for a partner; I want them to do whatever makes them happy. My current and hopefully final partner works in a tire factory and is content with what he does, but he also goes through episodes where he wants something else, but he's thinking in complete realism he's going to stay with Bridgestone for a number of reasons, maybe just change positions, but even that he's not sure of because he has no desire to deal with/instruct other employees as a leader figure. I don't have an opinion on it, like I said I want him to do whatever brings him fulfillment.

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Oh yes, it is insanely easy to make me cry, and not only out of sadness.

Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sugar cookies are great. I can't remember how I feel about the second.

Which Asian country would you like to visit the most? I'm not sure, I'd have to do more research on this. I already know I kinda wanna visit Japan, but I think how crowded it is would really overwhelm me.

Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) Only reptile ones. I'd love to go to more of those, once my legs are okay for it.

How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have zero idea.

Do you regularly check anyone’s profile online? Nah, don't have a reason to.

Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? No, I'd be fucking terrified to do that.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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learningselflove · 2 years ago

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Your partner in life should be an extension of who you are.

It took me some time to figure that out.

I’m definitely glad that I ended up with someone who encourages me to be the best version of myself. However, I look back on past relationships and laugh about them. They’re not all bad people, but we definitely wouldn’t have worked out. I’ve had four meaningful relationships which include the one I’m in now. By meaningful, I mean we called it an official relationship where I learned something valuable about myself through each one. Each relationship was an experience that changed me as a person. I was changed for the better. Each one built my self confidence and I learned how to be a better partner.

When I was thirteen, my best friend told the boy I liked that I had a crush on him. I was mortified. I met him when we were 8. I was very close friends with his older cousin. We met at her birthday party at the end of July. It was muggy. All the kids found relief from the hot dense summer air n the pool. We were drawn to one another because we were both the youngest ones there. I was thrilled to have a new friend.

We found each other again in middle school. I was still mourning the loss of my mom. I was painfully shy. I was very quiet in class. I never spoke to teachers unless I was spoken to first. He was similar. He was also quiet. That’s what I liked about him. I appreciated that we had similar personalities but I also admired his long, wavy brown hair, freckles and soft brown eyes.

We were friendly at a distance until 8th grade. We were assigned at a table together with my best friend. We exchanged phone numbers. He knew that I liked him but he was kind to me anyway. Shortly after, we started to text each other. We would ask each other questions and try to get to know each other. “Are you religious?” I asked. He responded in a way that implied he believed in God but didn’t elaborate on his faith. I didn’t think much of it. I was questioning my own faith during these years. It had only been two years since I lost my mom and I felt like God couldn’t exist if He was going to leave a child without a mother. He said something along the lines of that he believed in God but didn’t make it a part of his every day life.

It wasn’t long after that he became my first boyfriend. We spent four whole months together (That may as well have been four years in terms of middle school relationships!). He was my first kiss. I spent as much time as possible with him when we weren’t at school.

On our four month anniversary he texted me that we needed to break up. I never really received an explanation other than, “Jesus told me to.” What kind of response was that? It broke me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was some sort of evil heathen. Society and Catholicism made me feel immense guilt if I didn't believe. I thought my dating life was over at 14.

I reflect on it now and laugh. Honestly, it still bothers me that I never got an explanation further than that. It also bothers me that we never spoke again. But it is also important for me to remember that we wouldn’t have been compatible in the long run. I was an atheist and he was in a religious youth group. Some people have managed to make differences like that work somehow, but it couldn’t work for me.

I have really refined my values in what I was looking for in a partner. I owe a lot of that to finding my self worth. When you’re putting negativity out there, it will also come to you. When I was 20, I went through some major changes. I was no longer in the comfort zone of high school. I was a young adult who was trying to figure out her purpose in life. I met the partner I could only dream of at a time I didn’t expect. We met in cosmetology school. You couldn’t convince me that I’d find my future husband in cosmetology school when I started.

He is my motivator. He makes me feel beautiful. He also lives the saying of “if he wants to, he will”. Before we lived together, he would text me “good morning” every single day. It’s the little actions like that that show me he cares. When you’re with someone who cheers you on at every milestone, you feel good about yourself. My partner makes me excited to go through life with him. I truly found my other half. He is an extension of myself.

#self love #self esteem #self worth #body positivity #couple #soulmates

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starastrologyy · 2 years ago

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Astrology Observations 🌑

I have 3 chart reading slots left for this month 🤍 I am currently reaching capacity but I will resume again briefly in August then close them in September.

Please do not repost my work on any other social media platforms 🤍

A few people have asked me why dominant planet calculators give them different answers. For example, the astroseek calculator is very different to the one on Astro.com. The difference is that the astroseek calculator gives more weight to planets that are on the angles. So, you might feel as if your dominant planet should be Venus because you have many planets in Taurus and Libra. However, the calculator may instead say you’re Saturnian. In that case, it’s likely that you have Saturn on one of the angles. You probably also have one of the outer planets in Capricorn. It’s not that one of the calculators is wrong, they just have very different methods of calculations. I will say most professional astrologers prefer to use Astro.com to pull up charts/get information.

Having your natal mercury in your 9th house, can suggest that you have frequently traveled abroad. I’ve also seen this placement in the charts of people who were international students in foreign countries.

People who have Leo on their descendent (7H) are prone to attracting romantic partners who are domineering. They tend to attract people who have “strong personalities” and sometimes they may feel like their partners become overly competitive with them and they seem as if they want to ‘outshine’ them. I’ve also noticed that Leo descendent people tend to attract people who are well known. Alternatively, their relationships often become public knowledge.

It’s very interesting because a lot of Pisces moons are in a similar situation to Scorpio moons when it comes to the ‘mother wound’. I’ve often seen Pisces moons feel as if their mothers were not truly there for them in their formative years. Sometimes their mothers were not physically present, and other times they were present, but emotionally absent. Remember that Neptune dissolves. So, having some kind of neptunian influence over your moon, can suggest a mother who was not present (physically or emotionally).

If you have Jupiter conjunct Pluto in your chart in the money houses (2,8,11) you have a higher chance of winning large cash prizes from games of chance such as the lottery. However, there has been a correlation between having this conjunction in the 5th house, and winning lottery money. You also want to look at auspicious transits to the 5th house to find days when you’re likely to win a small cash prize! Uranus transiting the 5th house or aspecting the 5th house in a natal chart is also thought to be auspicious when it comes to winning cash prizes.

Sex & physical intimacy is usually a very important part of relationships that have an 8th house stellium in their composite chart.

A solar return year in which you have Pluto in your 1st house (especially if it makes a conjunction to your ascendant) , can be a year where you make drastic changes to your physical appearance.

A solar return year in which you have many planets in the 11th house can show a year where you are very focused on your dreams, and worldly ambitious. This is actually one of the best times to start a business or to start networking, as you will likely reap the benefits! This can be a very financially beneficial year, as the 11th house also represents the money that we earn from our careers.

A note on the difference between a composite and a synastry chart! Synastry shows us how two people relate to each other, and how their individual energies are likely going to interact with each other. So in essence, synastry tells us how two people make each other FEEL! Whereas, a composite chart tells us about the relationship as a Unit. Composite charts let us know how an established relationship is likely to play out, and the key themes of the relationship! If you want to see how each person feels about the composite (the relationship as a unit) you can compare the composite chart to each persons natal chart. I’ve noticed that the person whose natal chart aligns most with the composite chart, tends to feel more invested in the relationship. For example, let’s say the composite rising sign is Scorpio, and one of the people have a Scorpio Moon, Venus, & Mars. Whereas, the other partner has no major placements that correlate with the composite chart placements, the person who has placements in the signs of the major composite chart placements, will likely be more impacted by the relationship.

A Taurus Rising in a composite chart can show a couple who are very physically affectionate with each other, especially in public.

An Aquarius Rising in a composite chart can indicate two people who met online, or met through mutual friends. This placement is also common among couples who are in long-distance relationships, and thus technology, and speaking online/through text plays a very important role in their relationship.

People who have their Sun in the 9th house, often settle abroad. These individuals usually go on to set up home in a country that is different to the one that they were born and raised in.

If you have very little earth in your chart, you might find that you struggle when it comes to perseverance. You are extremely ambitious but you are often impatient, and you have the tendency to give up on something before giving it time to mature, and bear fruit.

TW: Death/Forensic Astrology

I’ve recently been taking a look into forensic astrology and I’ve found it to be quite fascinating. There seems to be a correlation between people who have Mars/Saturn/Chiron and Pluto in the 10th or 8th houses, and becoming well known after death/or well known for their deaths. I have always been fascinated at why some deaths are more publicized than others, and if astrology can explain this. I have not yet finished my research, but I have definitely seen a pattern of having 10th & 8th house placements, with a highly publicized death.

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imagineastrology · 3 years ago

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Astro notes: Black Moon Lilith edition! 🃏🌪️🖤

🌪️ ‘Black Moon Lilith is the geometric point in the sky that marks the furthest point of the moon’s orbit around the earth. (Because the moon’s orbit is elliptical, it has two center points; one is the earth, and the other is Black Moon Lilith).

💫 This dark void, which stays approximately nine months in each sign, embodies the very essence of the goddess Lilith. In an astrology chart, Black Moon Lilith represents a person’s primitive impulses and behavior in their rawest form.

🎸 It reveals our repressed sexuality, together with what makes us feel most vulnerable; it expresses the dark side of one’s personality, buried deep in the subconscious realms of our psyche.

🔮 Knowing where Black Moon Lilith is located in a birth chart can reveal information related to the shadow self, and can also determine possible hidden sexual fantasies and secret fetishes’. (A great description written by Valerie Mesa on Vice.com)

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🔭*Disclaimer* do NOT steal or plagiarise my work. I regularly scroll through Astrology tags on social media, so I will recognise when my work is stolen and message and report your account if I see it.

🔭 Take what resonates with you. Be mindful of your Natal Black Moon Lilith Sign, Aspects and Degrees too. Remember that the SIGN that your Black Moon Lilith is in, is how you will approach the area of life which that House rules. ✩ Eg. Aries BML (Black Moon Lilith) will approach impulsively and confidently.

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🖤🥀 4th House BML may have a mother who rebelled against societal ideals of what a ‘woman’ should act like. She may have had a tomboyish or masculine energy to her. Without a doubt, their mother knows how patriarchal society is, as she had to grow up surrounded by the world moulding her, with every misogynistic event and word, into Lilith incarnate. This in turn creates 4th House BML natives to be vehemently aware of injustices in the world.

🖤🥀 BML in 10th House natives are independent and need to work for themselves.

🖤🥀 1st House BML will feel unstable in relation to their identity. They are easily seduced by their dark side and often have to stop themselves from projecting onto others.

🖤🥀 1st/4th/6th/12th House BML people need to be careful when drinking alcohol or doing drugs. Their outlook in general will become more nebulous and ‘blurry’.

🖤🥀 3rd House BML may have siblings that embody Lilith herself (rebellious, stubborn, almost a persona non grata)

🖤🥀 BML in the 10th House often have repressed anger at their father or authority figures in general.

🖤🥀 BML in the 11th House may feel their friends often get them into trouble. This group may give off an untrustworthy vibe too.

🖤🥀 BML Lilith in the 5th may indicate someone who enjoys taboo, occult or paranormal hobbies. They may also become obsessive over them.

🖤🥀 BML in the 1st House signifies someone who has a hatred of taking orders/authority, needs freedom of choice and a dictation of their life and is someone who easily embraces their (feminine) shadow side.

🖤🥀 BML in the 3rd/4th/9th House can suggest someone who explores and studies all types of Feminism and the Suffragettes. Keep studying people. 👊

🖤🥀 BML in the 1st House views life as something to rebel from. Or, to break societal norms too.

🖤🥀 2nd House BML are usually good with money and are in love with it. May do some sneaky stuff to get it too….. *cough* *cough*

🖤🥀 BML in the 1st House unapologetically follows their instincts. They truly, only listen to themselves.

🖤🥀 BML in the 8th House can easily talk about taboo subjects.

🖤🥀 Without a doubt, 1st House BML can come across as shocking to some people, this can be intentional too.

🖤🥀 Lilith in the 7th House suggests extreme suspicion and doubt towards their partner’s motives OR history. Perhaps even an obsession.

🖤🥀 BML in the 1st House people can have people obsessing or in awe of the native’s body and physical appearance. There is a raw sexuality there that is attractive to people. If you have this placement or this is your current transit, be careful of people that just want to mess around.

🖤🥀 BML in the 10th House people may be viewed as someone quite promiscuous, rebellious and a fighter for the underdog.

🖤🥀 BML in the 12th House can often feel apathetic towards life. But, there is a hidden strength there that you don’t want to awaken. If you make them feel weak, they will not forget.

🖤🥀 BML in the 4th House had to fight to be heard in their homes. Now, they are adamant of having their voice heard.

🖤🥀 People with their BML in the 6th House can become easily disheartened or burnt out by the burdens of their illnesses. Having said that, I also believe that these people are next level fighters when it comes to getting through each day with these illnesses. Remember, courage isn’t always loud, sometimes it’s waking up and trying again at living.

🖤🥀 BML in the Water Houses (4th, 8th and 12th House) have strong psychic traits that, if they worked on, would be powerful. They need to tune into their gut feelings and intuition. Most of the time, they are spot on.

🖤🥀 The House that Lilith resides in within our Natal Chart, is the area of life where you will be a truth-seeker, be fascinated by and explore with strength. It also can signify what area of life our repressed anger resides in.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

What House is your Black Moon Lilith in and what does this mean for you? Let me know in the replies!! ♡💀🔪🥀♥🧷🖤☠️🕸️🕷️⛓️🦇

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astrojoy · 4 years ago

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Astrovations

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DISCLAIMER

● Please remember that everything matters. Thus, planets aspecting definetly play a role on how certain things may play out in life

● Debilitations upon planets happen! (Definitely know this upon personal experience and my mothers chart)

Thank you, now enjoy you beautiful strangers 💛

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⭐ People with a lot of squares in their chart don't give up easily

⭐ When their's 3 siblings, 2 tend to have their charts very alike while the 3rd sibling have theirs a lot more different

⭐ Venus in Ascendant usually have round heads or just softer proportioned bodies in general (besides seeing other people I can confirm I do too)

⭐ Sun in 5th gives an overabundance of creativity/luck in arts, also energy and activeness can be seen from this as well

⭐ Sun/Neptune aspects give big imaginations and psychic gifts

⭐ Having grand trines can make someone lazy about their gifts and take advantage of them. Because they take these blessings for granted they may not use them to their full capacity

⭐ 9th/12th house with planets could dream about travelling to foreign places or just to adventure in general

⭐ Uranus Trine/Conjunct Ascendant could love styles such as grunge, cosplay, pastel goth, soft girl, indie, etc

⭐ Uranus/Venus/Neptune/Pluto aspect Ascendant have been known to sometimes get plastic surgery or do things such as wear colored eye contact lenses, dye their hair vibrant colors, tattoos

⭐ Positive Jupiter aspects can be quite hopeful/optimistic about their future unless other harsher aspects say otherwise

⭐ Pisces Ascendant eyes aren't really intense, but shine and look starry? And if not physically then they still make you go "awwe" Their eyes remind me of a shy deer (Remember Lucy from Tinker Bell a long time ago? Pisces rising reminds me of her a lot too)

⭐ I've seen a lot of Pisces risings with thin/average sized lips or their lower lip is bigger

⭐ Saturn in the 8th house can block sexual drive. Also it can make someone a skeptic in things like astrology or ghosts. It might take them more time to open up to it 😕

⭐ Lots of dancers or entertainers have Pisces in their 10th house/MC

⭐ People can grow out of their ascendant energy once they grow up

⭐ Typically based on Verdic Astrology the natal chart is only active until you get married or you hit the age of 36. Then, your D9/Navamsa chart is activated and this chart shows your newer more developed placements

⭐ Virgo + Libra in the big 3 remind me of flowers in a field while the suns setting 🌻🌼🌺🌹🌷🌸💐 🥺

⭐ The D9/Navamsa chart shows your life after marriage + married life in general or when you turn 36. It's a matured you. (That doesn't totally throw away your original natal chart though! That one is the most important one since it's the one you were born with. It's your biggest life blueprint)

⭐ Divisional charts in Verdic Astrology get into more detail. D10 Career chart, D2 Money chart... etc

⭐ Scorpio + Aries in the big 3 can give such scary death glares 💀 Don't kill me

⭐ Don't EVER touch a Virgo dominants sketch book, in fact, don't even think about it. They like things where they kept them I almost died

⭐ Virgo placements love animals sooo so much. I've noticed how some of them will have exotic pets like reptiles and such

⭐ Dashas in Verdic Astrology are periods of your life. I am about to end my Rahu/Northnode dasha and enter my Jupiter dasha in December 😃

⭐ Aquarius/Uranus in the 12th may have bizarre dreams while Aries/Mars have a chance of getting nightmares more easily than others

⭐ Water signs remember their dreams easier and Air signs either do or they don't

⭐ Not gonna lie, if you have the same zodiac in the big 3, I will classify you as that zodiac itself and see the other zodiacs in the other planets as behind the scenes. I have a bad habit of this because they exude so much energy of that sign at that point 😭

⭐ Scorpio/Pluto/Lilith dominants enjoy being known as mysterious 😏

Have an amazing day ! 💛

Now 😡

Or I will take away your birthchart 😃

#virgo sign #scorpio #aries #libra sign #pisces #astrology observations #astrology #astro notes #zodiac #planets #navamsa #astro observations #pisces rising #astrovations #astrovation

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dramioneficrecommendations · 4 years ago

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Best Draco/Hermione Fics Dramione Shippers Read in 2020

A few days ago, I asked you what were the best Dramione fics you'd read in 2020. Here's the huge list of your excellent recs (in alphabetical order):

A Creature Most Unusual by JMilz: Draco Malfoy is on a mission. Unfortunately, Hermione Granger catches him in the act. When she sees that he has adopted a rather unusual magical creature, she becomes determined to make sure he takes care of it. Little does she know, the animal may hold her key to eternal glory . . . and a whirlwind romance. M, 9 Chapters, 24,460 Words

A Little More Alive, Far Less Lost by MGL_Dramione_Lover: After Draco's post-war trial, he finds himself attending his 8th year at Hogwarts with Hermione. As remorse and acceptance replace anger and hate, the old enemies begin a friendship that sparks into much more than they ever hoped for. Hermione's goal as Head Girl is to banish old prejudices and unite the school while Draco's only wish is to become a man worthy of her love. M, 22 Chapters, 84,823

A New Light by mithrilstarlight: Draco spent six years doing his best to keep his head down. Then he runs into Hermione Granger. Turns out, they actually have a lot in common.Chapters posted M/W/F. T, 18 Chapters, 33,876 Words

A Second Look by RiverWriter: Her best friend's life was a mess and she would have done anything to make things better for him and his sons. So, when she found her former enemy in a similar situation her heart went out to him as well... and the beautiful blond baby in his arms didn't hurt his case. It was certainly enough for her to give him a second look. M, 30 Chapters, 127,243 Words

All that is Rare by smithandbarrowman: In the wizarding world, it has long been assumed that men are Alphas and women are Omegas. However, when Hermione Granger discovers that assumptions are rarely factual, her status as one of only a handful of female alphas that has ever existed has men falling at her feet.But there’s only one man she wants, and like the male alphas before her, the hunt is on until he bears her mark. E, 31 Chapters, 119,755 Words

All the Wrong Things by LovesBitca8: Sequel to "The Right Thing to Do" - Draco's POV. Part 2 of the "Rights and Wrongs" series. E, 24 Chapters, 160,297 Words

All You Want by senlinyu: Eighth Year at Hogwarts was supposed to be Hermione’s. And it is, just not in the way she expects. Omegaverse fic. E, 36 Chapters, 172,651

apples & cream by LovesBitca8: She could have taken her things and gone through his Floo without a word. She could have ignored him on Monday morning, as though last night had been no more than a fever dream and too much Firewhisky. But she’d come back to bed. Inspired by the lovely NikitaJuice's "apples & cream." E, 1 Chapter, 1,426 Words

Beginning and End by mightbewriting: Years. Broken into months into weeks into days—into hours, minutes, seconds—into moments. Simple at one end, complex at the other. In Draco’s experience, moments, even when simple, had a habit of becoming irretrievable. Moments grew, stretched, multiplied into ages and eras that defined whole stretches of measurable time. Draco regretted several moments in his life, some within his control, some without: all of them irretrievable in nature. At a certain point, wedged between ‘what-ifs’ of his own devising, he’d stopped trying to keep track of those regrettable moments: now and then, pushing and pulling, coming and going, beginning and end. Moments were only moments for just as long. After that, he had no control. A Draco POV prequel to Wait and Hope. E, 48 Chapters, 242,100 Words

Bells on a Hill by HeyJude19: Left by his fiancée a month before the ceremony, Draco never got his dream wedding, so agreeing to assist Granger with her own wedding planning to distract himself from his broken engagement seems like a great idea—though Draco probably shouldn't fall in love with the bride-to-be. Based very (very) loosely on The Wedding Singer. T, WIP

Bending Light by scullymurphy: Draco Malfoy was in exile, though they called it protection. It was the summer after sixth year and he'd taken Dumbledore's offer, defected to the other side and been sent away to a small town in Italy for his troubles. No magic, few rules, and not a lot to do - until Hermione Granger showed up. M, WIP

Break for me by Ada_P_Rix: COMPLETE _______________ "-I told them this wouldn’t work.” He cut in through gritted teeth as he kept his eyes on Hermione, making her pulse quicken and she couldn’t help but clench her thighs together at the rough, husky tone of his voice. He didn’t miss it; his eyes landed on her thighs and they darkened even further. “I can’t help her when all I feel like I want to do is pin her down and fuck her into the mattress.” _______________ Hermione gets into a little accident at work and is infected with a hybrid potion created to cause certain heightened side effects. Draco offers to stick around to give his work partner a little support ... if he can Occlude long enough to resist her... E, 7 Chapters, 45,107 Words

Breath Mints / Battle Scars by Onyx_and_Elm: For a moment, she's almost giddy. Because Draco Malfoy's been ruined by this war and he's as out of place as she is and — yes, he has scars too. He's got an even bigger one. She wonders whether one day they'll compare sizes. E, 51 Chapters, 148,908 Words

Bring Him to His Knees by Musyc: Draco is on the case of a murderer, but to investigate, he needs a fake relationship - and a kink club play partner. When Hermione volunteers to take the role, both do their best to maintain the lie without letting each other know the truth: neither of them are acting. E, WIP

Calendar Boys by anne_ammons, Nadiapolyakova (Rijaya83): She had thrown out the idea on a lark, but now Hermione Granger was tasked with bringing the charity calendar to life. What was one more thing on her list? An art/writing collaboration between nadiapolyakova and anne_ammons - twelve photos and a piece of the story behind them. M, WIP

Cherry Mint by dirtymudblood: "He could smell her. Even multiple train cars away, he could smell her. Except, Draco didn’t know who she was. He ignored his natural instincts to pant like a dog and follow the scent to the omega in the beginning stages of heat. Instead he willed himself to rub his knuckles against the rough wood of the table in front of him." E, 27 Chapters, 58,081 Words

Dark Water and Dying Eyebrights by bexchan: One of them is desperately trying to remember their past while the other is forever trying to escape theirs. It's seven years after the war and Draco has managed to avoid almost everyone from Hogwarts, living a lonely life on a small island, far away from the wizarding community. But a familiar face in a cafe window capsizes his world into chaos. Dramione. EWE. Memory fic. M, WIP

Difficult by provocative envy: COMPLETE: "I should," I repeated. "But I don't want to." And then he smiled, and I was wrecked. HG/DM. M, 30 Chapters, 87,041 Words

Don't Look Back by Onyx_and_Elm: It’s the smell of it. Chemical. Bitter and sharp as a raw edge on metal. Just a hint of it as she passes him at breakfast — but enough to stop her dead, mid-step. There is Wolfsbane in his tea. E, WIP

Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time by monsterleadmehome: She scoffs. “If you must know, he ‘elected’ me because he thinks our shared animosity will keep you in check. He’s also not worried about you trying to shag me as a distraction.” He leans back, stubbing out his cigarette on the banister. His eyes rove over her from crown to toe and back. She lifts her chin and tries not to shiver. “Well, he’s right about that.” Lucius Malfoy hires Hermione Granger to whip his son into shape so he can find a pure-blood bride and receive his inheritance. What could go wrong? E, 10 Chapters, 48,092 Words

Draco's Gift by TriDogMom: Draco gives Hermione a gift because of an instructional YouTube video. M, 1 Chapter, 1,705 Words

Dragon in the Dark by GracefulLioness: The battle is won, Voldemort is dead, but the war is far from over. In the new Death Eater regime, Draco Malfoy does what he must to survive and keep his mother safe. Now a highly trained assassin, Draco has learned to think of his targets as inhuman beings, but when he is tasked with killing someone from his past, he can no longer hide from the horrors of the world around him. E, 31 Chapters, 164,782 Words

For a Present Under the Tree by grace_lou_freebush: When Draco and Hermione eloped, the Wizarding World turned against them. Hermione is stuck in a low level, low paying Ministry job with no hope of upward movement. Draco can't even convince someone to hire him. Now, it's Christmas, and Draco knows Hermione deserves the world - or at the least a Christmas gift. He finds the perfect hair comb to replace the horrid Muggle brush she's been making due with, and he'll do anything to afford the paltry present so he can have something to put under the Christmas tree for his wife. Making a beeline for the jewelry box containing the hair combs, Draco rifled through them, landing on an ivory comb with queen anne rose carvings and gold filigree detailing. He brought it to the startled shopkeeper and set it down gently. Pulling his sixth generation Malfoy heirloom pocket watch from his coat, he shoved it in the wizard's face without second guessing himself. "I would like to make an exchange." E, 1 Chapter, 10,141 Words

Fortuitous by MrsRen: Recently divorced Draco doesn't believe in the ideology of having one true love. He certainly doesn't expect to meet his match in a Halloween themed coffee shop, but fate has a peculiar way of giving you just what you need. M, 13 Chapters, 93,695 Words

Fuck, Marry, Avada by Lilian_Silver: Some years after the war, the gang meets up at the Leaky to play a silly game, with very real consequences. E, 1 Chapter, 3,106 Words

Give Me An Hour by RZZMG: As the war continues to rage on around them, Hermione Granger decides to seduce fellow Order Member, Draco Malfoy, one night while at Grimmauld Place... and everything between them changes after that. Fic follows the "five times" trope, and is dedicated to raspberryjukebox. One-shot. A/U-Extended War scenario. Dramione. Drama-Romance-Hot Shag! COMPLETE! M, 1 Chapter, 3,251 Words

Good Girl by arabellaleyes: Hermione is tired of their normal routine in the bedroom. What will happen when she asks Draco to spice things up? One-shot. Complete. M, 1 Chapter, 9,000 Words

Hindsight by floorcoaster: It's a New Year and Hermione decides it's time to make some changes. T, 12 Chapters, 167,694 Words

How to Love Thy Neighbour by WhatSoMalfoy: After her relationship with Ron falls apart, Hermione attempts to juggle a personal muggle life with a professional wizarding one. After encountering her high school nemesis in the most unlikely place, Hermione adds another ball to the juggling mix. M, 14 Chapters, 41,992 Words

How to Move On by longdistance: It's been nearly a decade since the war. A long time since she locked herself away. A long time since he faced his mistakes. She's what he wants. He's what she needs. It's time for both of them to figure out how to move on. M, WIP

Hydrotherapy by eilonwy: Draco finds a trip to the showers after playing Quidditch... enlightening. E, 2 Chapters, 7,163 Words

I Choose You by melanoradrood: At the end of Fifth Year, Hermione finds out why It is that none have approached her with a Marital Contract, the only way she can remain in the Wizarding World after Graduation. It has already been signed by her Magical Guardian, someone she has never met - she is to be the next Lady Malfoy. A year and a half later, she is a married witch, but still, Draco Malfoy, who had chosen her above all others, had not spoken of it. In fact, they barely spoke at all. And when trouble heads their way, Hermione means to change that. Really, she means to change a lot of things. E, 5 Chapters, 24,527 Words

Isolation by Bex-chan: He can't leave the room. Her room. And it's all the Order's fault. Confined to a small space with only the Mudblood for company, something's going to give. Maybe his sanity. Maybe not. "There," she spat. "Now your Blood's filthy too!" DM/HG. PostHBP. Now complete with epilogue. M, 49 Chapters, 284,050 Words

It Happened in Egypt by bionically: Wandless in Egypt: Draco's stranded in Egypt, but luckily, there's a Granger in sight. Now, if only he could be prevented from strangling her. Fun times abroad: It was supposed to be a leisurely solo trip down the Nile. Hermione didn't factor in one blond man from her past and all his drama. Then, of course, there's the fact that everyone's after him. Much hilarity ensues. Maybe. *** A rom-com adventure/mystery featuring two unwilling partners on the run from Lucius Malfoy, alien-hunters, Muggle police, and local wizards engaged in a civil war. T, WIP

Love and Other Misfortunes by senlinyu: Draco Malfoy is dying. He's part-Veela and needs his mate to survive. Post-war, Hermione Granger is a workaholic, up to her eyeballs in legal activism on behalf of Magical Beings, and hasn't yet noticed that Malfoy is the Magical Being who needs her most. “Because I don’t want to be saved by you just because you feel like you have to.” He was properly furious now. “I’m in love with you." Hermione stared at him. She knew but somehow hearing him say it made the air shimmer with magic. "I’m in love with you,” he said again, despairingly. “And that means I want you to be as happy as you possibly can. And you won’t be, not with me.” M, 23 Chapters, 98,584 Words

Manacled by senlinyu: Harry Potter is dead. In the aftermath of the war, in order to strengthen the might of the magical world, Voldemort enacts a repopulation effort. Hermione Granger has an Order secret, lost but hidden in her mind, so she is sent as an enslaved surrogate to the High Reeve until her mind can be cracked.Now illustrated by Avendell. E, 77 Chapters, 370,473 Words

Measure Of A Man by inadaze22: To truly know someone is to differentiate between who they once were, who they are now, and who they're capable of being. Hermione realises the duality of one man as she rectifies what she knows of the past and begins to understand the pieces of who Draco Malfoy is now: a father, a son, and a man. E, WIP

Meet the Malfoys by raven_maiden: 4 Works, 21, 442 Words

of flavoured names and coloured sounds by Pink Panda (Ejacyeolation): "He doesn’t question it at first, the fact that sounds have colours and words have flavours. He grows up with it, grows up seeing powerful ruptures of colour when his mother plays the piano and softer, translucent bursts when the people around him speak. His father’s voice fills his vision with sombre oranges and lilacs while his mother’s is a pleasant mix of delicate greens, blues, and greys. The word father tastes like wet wood and the word mother tastes like the pumpkin juice the house-elves frequently serve him."In which Draco just wants to know what colour Hermione's moans would be. He also wants to know if her skin would taste as sweet as her surname or maybe as intoxicating as her given name. E, 2 Chapters, 10,351

Once Upon a Night by longdistance: One night will change everything. M, 17 Chapters, 57,444 Words

One and Done by PacificRimbaud: Hermione Granger has a career she loves, friends she can depend on, and a nice set of hand towels for her new flat. She's single and tired of tiresome men, but that doesn't stop her from wearing beautiful lingerie underneath her serious Ministry skirts. Or having pictures taken in naughty knickers. Just once. For herself. Draco Malfoy doesn't get upset at the sight of blood, which is good, because he sees a lot of it. What he doesn't see a lot of is Hermione Granger in her unmentionables. Usually. A series of meetings and mix-ups in which one cannot possibly mean done. E, 4 Chapters, 35,011 Words

Our shared silence by Vofastudum: She wakes up one morning and everyone is just gone, vanished like they never existed at all. Everyone but Him. And in this silent solitude, he's all she has. Hermione and Draco alone in empty castle. Mystery and a plot twist you didn't see coming! EDITED 10/2020 M, 17 Chapters, 40,149 Words

Pinned by bionically: Draco doesn't know what he's expecting when he follows Blaise down a dark alley, but it certainly isn't this. For a man with an addictive personality, this isn't going to turn out well. Assigned trope: Voyeurism *** Or, a chance encounter with a frizzy-haired witch from his misbegotten past in the last place anyone should have expected to see her sets Draco's disordered life on its ear. The path to redemption is truly paved with unexpected surprises. E, 20 Chapters, 110,886 Words

Really Sell It by RoseHarperMaxwell: Draco's having a rough eighth year, and Hermione's going to make it better for him. "Well, it’s clear what needs to happen.” She gripped his chin, tilting his head to make sure she hadn’t missed any injuries, before looking straight into his eyes. “You’re my boyfriend now.” *Featuring fake dating, exhibitionism, and sex-positive Hermione Granger. Submission for Farewell to Summer: The 31 Flavors of Smut Fest. E, 1 Chapters, 7,612 Words

Remain Nameless by HeyJude19: How did it feel? It felt like he was barely holding it together. She, of all people, should shun him. Or yell at him. Curse him. Spit at him. Take out her wand and blast him off the face of the earth. It was crushing guilt and relief and confusion all at once when he looked at Hermione Granger. The monotony of Draco’s daily routine had become both a lifeline and a noose. But this new habit of grabbing coffee with Hermione Granger is quickly becoming a reason to get out of bed and is unfortunately forcing him to re-evaluate his inconsequential existence. Hermione is living her life in fragments, separate pieces scattered about, and she can’t find a way to step back and let the full picture form. Why are morning meetings with Draco Malfoy the only thing that make sense anymore? E, 51 Chapters, 312,315 Words

Remember Us As War (but call us forgiveness) by Anyaparadox: Following the devastation of the Battle of Hogwarts, The Wizarding Population Growth Act is put into effect. All witches and wizards will be matched with their most compatible partner. Failure to comply will not be tolerated. Survival is key. Hermione reminds herself of this. Survival. She can fix this, if only she can survive. The war has made this a task she is equipped for. Marrying Draco Malfoy will hardly be the worst thing she's ever endured. M, WIP

Ring A Ring O' Roses by Gallivant: Dark Magic, Dark Wizards and a mysterious and deadly Dark Flux, which, in the wrong hands, has the terrifying potential to mass-murder Muggles and Muggle-borns ... It’s been fourteen years since the end of the Second Wizarding War and the Wizarding World is settled, stable and seemingly safe… Hermione Weasley has it all: a loving family, a successful career - and happiness… of sorts. But a series of unexpected events is about to turn her life upside-down, threatening those she loves, fatally undermining the peace between worlds that has prevailed for centuries �� changing life as she knows it, possibly forever. If working with Draco Malfoy was the last thing Hermione Weasley ever wanted, falling for your enemy was the least expected. A quest to thwart a magical weapon of mass destruction has devastating consequences. A race to save the world, becomes a race to save themselves… M, 65 Chapters, 527,141 Chapters

Set Fire to the Rain by HarleyQuinn1317: What happens when the one you're destined for is the last person you should ever be with... When the Ministry of Magic asks for volunteers for their Marriage Initiative, Hermione Granger must come to terms with the one terrible deed she committed during the Second Wizarding War. Can she find it in her heart to forgive herself and finally learn to let love in? E, WIP

Sex and Occlumency by Graendoll: Hermione didn't escape from the war unscathed, and when she finally decides on a solution to her problems she's left to explore it on her own. A chance encounter with Draco Malfoy sets her world on it's head and leads her down a path towards healing that she would never have anticipated. E, 18 Chapters, 65,079 Words

The Art of Seating Etiquette by inadaze22: Hermione believes that every problem has a solution, and that solution can be found in a book. That is, until Draco starts sitting to her right every Friday. She has no answers until help comes in the form of an unlikely source: Ron Weasley. E, 1 Chapter, 9,734 Words

The Auction by LovesBitca8: In the wake of the Dark Lord’s triumph over Harry Potter, the defeated must learn their new place. Hermione Granger, former Golden Girl, has been captured and reduced to human chattel. Sold to the highest bidder as the top prize at an auction of Order members and sympathizers, she is thrust into the rabid, waiting hands of the Death Eaters. But despite the horrors of Voldemort’s new world, help—and hope—seem to arise from the most unlikely of places. PART 3 of the RIGHTS AND WRONGS series. E, 41 Chapters, 325,702 Words

The Binding by Curly_Kay: “Okay, what we know so far.” Hermione listed, "One, our magic is drawing us together. Two, we can use each other’s wands. Three, there were actual sparks when you touched me."After an infant binding ritual magically joins Hermione and Draco to counteract the Black family blood curse, they must navigate the secret binding through their years together at Hogwarts. E, 35 Chapters, 175,451 Words

The Carnal Club by Ada_P_Rix: COMPLETE The Halloween Ball is fast approaching with Hermione at the helm.... What a delightful time to suddenly learn of a centuries old secret sex-game club that is currently ran by a Blonde haired Slytherin. Oh, and it only happens once a year every October, when the winner takes all at the Halloween Ball ...The First Rule of Carnal Club: You do not talk about Carnal Club. E, 8 Chapters, 43,306 Words

The Disappearances of Draco Malfoy by Speechwriter (batmansymbol): The night that Harry and Dumbledore return from the cave, the Death Eaters are delayed from reaching the top of the Astronomy Tower for one more minute. Draco Malfoy lowers his wand. A Deathly Hallows rewrite in which Draco accepts Dumbledore's offer to fake his death and go into hiding with the Order of the Phoenix. T, WIP

The Erised Effect by Ada_P_Rix: Hermione and Pansy work in a shop together. Draco, Harry, Theo and Blaise all work together at the Ministry. They all meet up every Friday at the pub to have drinks. Pansy has a new fantasy potion that she likes to call 'The Erised Effect' that she's keen to try out on willing participants ... Boys are so easy to manipulate when alcohol is involved .... E, 13 Chapters, 88,852 Words

The Fallout by everythursday: Hermione learns about growing up through the redemption of Draco Malfoy. E, 49 Chapters, 310,229 Words

The Figures of Figuring Out by Vofastudum: You were the biggest riddle in my life. You were the one I couldn't figure out. You were the only thing I couldn't find a pattern to. You were something I couldn't look up from any book. Unwritten, with no instructions. And I was used to finding solutions! Post-war eight-year secret romance. Edited 12/2020 M, 13 Chapters, 26,951 Words

The Flat in Bath by Ada_P_Rix: Loosely inspired by 365 Days...-- Malfoy grabbed her chin, forcing her to look directly at him. “Don’t you dare, Granger...” He told her roughly as his intense gaze bored into her own. “I fucking forbid you to come until I’ve had enough of you...” Draco caught her cheeks now between the fingers of his free hand and then snapped her head to the side and licked her earlobe, trailing down to her jawline. “...one flutter of those delicious walls of yours and you’re going to wish you never opened your legs for me.” -- __________________ Hermione is kidnapped during a raid and taken captive by someone who doesn't plan on 'torturing' her in the conventional way... E, WIP

The Gloriana Set by ThebeMoon: The War is won, and Hermione Granger is back at Hogwarts as an “Eighth Year”, feeling reckless and determined to shed her prim bookworm persona. She will do as she pleases, and anyone who doesn’t like it will see the business end of her wand. Also returning is Draco Malfoy, universally hated but determined to restore his family’s name. Hermione’s hopes for a quiet school year are quickly dashed as she contends with mischievous First Years, killer plants, enchanted hair accessories, a totally inappropriate Moaning Myrtle, renegade Death Eaters, a nice vampire, a poorly named study group, a depraved party, and mysterious, threatening blood messages on the castle walls. We have redemption, partial redemption and (sadly or hilariously) no redemption at all. Throw in a snarky, disturbingly attractive Draco with his own secret agenda, and we have a very slow-burn Dramione with a side of who-dun-it. COMPLETE! M, 81 Chapters, 271,830 Words

The Library of Alexandria by senlinyu: The Library of Alexandria is not for just any witch or wizard. Many bookworms may try but few are permitted to pass through its doors. The books residing there are ancient and powerful and, if one happens to make a mistake, the consequences can be rather—novel. E, 6 Chapters, 26,383 Words

The List by AureliaBlack90: After her divorce, Hermione decides to get out of town to recover from the pain of her lost relationship and the miscarriage she suffered a year previously. She arrives in the Cotswolds depressed and aimless but compiles a list of things to do that she hopes will help her get back on her feet. In the midst of her journey to find healing she keeps running into Draco Malfoy, who is nothing like she remembered him. He invites her into his world, and Hermione finds exactly what she was looking for - in the place she least expected it. E, 10 Chapters, 70,526 Words

The Manuscript by alexandra_emerson: Five 1/2 years after the war, in the middle of a big fight with Draco, Hermione finds a manuscript. It’s a retelling of her and Draco’s love story, written by him. She never realized how much he was struggling before she read his words. Snippet: I could spend my whole life apologizing to you Hermione, and it would never be enough. Post-war, angst-filled Dramione with a happy ending. M, 21 Chapters, 154,918 Words

The Memory of You by PotionChemist: Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger fell in love against all odds, but there was one big problem — he was already married. Pressured, Hermione does something she promised herself she would never do again and erases their affair from his memory. Completely devastated, she avoids seeing Draco or the Malfoys at all costs. But is their love too strong? Are they inevitable? What will happen if he finds out about their previous relationship? E, WIP

The Mountain and The Sea by AlexisDanaan: Hermione Granger was perfectly happy with her life, her job as a Healer Trainee, her ugly cat and her cute little house in the countryside. And then Draco Malfoy had to go and mess that all up, typical git. Post-Hogwarts, EWE, OOC, creature!fic. E, 12 Chapters, 40,441 Words

The Nietzsche Classes by Beringae: The Ministry takes action against the remaining prejudice in the wizarding society and asks Hermione for help. “What do you want? Money? Power? Name your price, Granger. I’m not about to let pride get in my way when an Azkaban sentence is on the line.” M, 15 Chapters, 45,807 Words

The Phoenix Potion by FedonCiadale: Twenty years after the battle of Hogwarts.... Harry is head auror and is worried about cases where Muggleborn children meet with accidents, Ron is a famous Quidditch keeper. Both haven't talked to Hermione for ages and certainly not to her husband, Draco Malfoy. Narcissa Malfoy struggles with a curse, and Neville and Luna try to stay friends with all. The key to solving the problems may lie in the past, a time nobody really wants to revisit and some can't. T, 111 Chapters, 237,745 Words

The Potioneers by omnenomnom: They need each other unfortunately. Hermione has tricked Draco under her tutelage, arrogant attitude and all. But she would be simple to think he would accept it quietly. They have both have secrets to hide, old wounds better left to fester, and a world full of mermaids, dragons, and magic to explore. T, 53 Chapters, 196,559 Words

The Pretense by Colubrina: Voldemort died, but the Death Eaters live on. Hermione Granger traded herself to Draco Malfoy in exchange for safe passage for core Order members. Now he's pretending to love her, Narcissa is pretending to believe that, and Hermione is walking a tightrope behind enemy lines as she figures out what is going on. Unfortunately, people fall off tightropes. (no non-con) T, 50 Chapters, 108,164 Words

The Right Thing To Do by LovesBitca8: Hermione felt the pounding in her ears again. She would see him for the first time since the Great Hall, gaunt and stricken at the Slytherin table with his mother clutching his arm. She hadn't meant to look for him. Not in the corridors, not beneath the white sheets of the fallen, not on the way to the Chamber of Secrets with Ron, but she was a stupid girl. E, 36 Chapters, 174,911 Words

The Seven Year Witch by TheLastLynx: A boy and a girl have been meeting – coincidentally – for seven summers. While they pretty much hate one another most of the year, for those secret summer moments, they manage to see each other in a different light. But will that be enough to bring them together? A Dramione story about growing up and changing perspective, told along - and in-between - the lines of canon. M, WIP

Thirty Times Lucky by galfoy: "Granger, I can't hire you on any longer," Draco said. Hermione stared at him. Losing her job might actually mean losing the War, and she had to bargain, but there was literally nothing she had that he would want. Or was there? M, 2 Chapters, 7,128 Words

Traditions by raven_maiden: She straddled him slowly, still biting her lip, her hands on his shoulders. He held her hips tightly as he stared up at her. “So beautiful,” he whispered, and she flushed prettily, like she always did from his compliments. “You never need to hide from me.” ** Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy fell in love during the war. One year later, they're heading home for the holidays so he can finally meet her parents. There's just one teeny little problem: her parents think they're both Muggles. E, 14 Chapters, 68,767 Words

Waifs and Strays by Kyonomiko: War leaves a lot of orphans in its wake. Hermione is one, by her own hand, and she struggles with the realities of her situation. When she finds an orphaned familiar, it seems meant to be, giving and receiving comfort helping to heal her fractured heart. Unfortunately, the animal is actually a wizard, and he has his own issues. M, 31 Chapters, 118,152 Words

What You Think Is Right by icepower55: Six years after the war, Hermione parents are dying and her marriage to Draco is crumbling. Nothing seems logical in her life anymore. Her healer tells her to start writing about it, so she does, as a way to figure things out, and remind herself along the way. Hell is proximity without intimacy -Dante's Inferno M, WIP

When the Bell Tolls by everythursday: As a Dark revival begins to rise four years after the war, Hermione Granger is placed on the assignment of putting an end to them – and her first task is to recruit the Ministry's best hope and last option in the form of Draco Malfoy. E, 20 Chapters, 148,033 Words

Wreck by JMilz: Serving as Minister for Magic, Hermione Granger is finally at the peak of her career. With a beautiful family, a successful book, and the public on her side, her life should be a fairytale. Unfortunately, there is trouble in paradise, and when Draco Malfoy pays her a visit, she begins recalling their history and questioning her marriage. The reality is: every relationship is hard. M, 53 Chapters, 187,992 Words

Thanks to every person who contributed (I hope I've mentioned everyone. If not, let me know. 😊): @certified-arsehole @fedonciadale kiwim22 @really-sad-devil-guy endless-musings @headfullofnargles @pinksunsets-world @rosseliz01 @dramioneden @all-consuming @elricsister @injailoutsoon12 reclusivebird @mariakov81 @notthatchhavi @mordanbooqs @haaatch @hpsassenach @ybaeby @farmgirl-in @coyg-81 @eiramrelyat metterschling-plus-two @a-maidens-fantasy @sansacat @vofastudum @lexayeon @1800-rewrite @aneiria-writes @anonymouslydramione

It took much longer to compile this list than I thought it would. Hopefully, I didn’t skip anything. 🙈

Happy New Year. May it be better than the previous one and full of great Dramione fics and fanarts! 🥳🥳🥳

And here’s the 2019 list: https://dramioneficrecommendations.tumblr.com/post/190216354767/what-is-the-best-dramione-fic-you-read-in-2019

#dramione #Draco Malfoy #Hermione Granger #Harry Potter #harry potter fanfiction #hp fandom #fic rec #draco x hermione #hermione x draco #dramioneficrecommendations #2020

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