#and i hope that as i go through learning with a(n irl) community that i will stop feeling as scared | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

emeraldbabygirl · 2 years

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Today I learned that J.Heart from N.Sonic married a fan, there’s a whole video of it on YouTube please I’m so drained I’m dropping green slime like the gremlin I am. I know so many older ex idols of kpop groups where and how is this happening ugh what in the y/n wattpad having ass I beg and beg and I get nothing. Where is my hot husband? I don’t think I’m being selfish I think I deserve some eye candy in my life I think I’ve been through enough. GD hello I’m single and I’m free just let me know and I’ll give you my address please. Takuya pay for my plane ticket and I go to Japan for you or wherever your sexy ass is juseyo please? 🥺 and it’s always the ex idols or older idols like I get it, relationships and communication and commitment and language barriers and sexy people and I’m LITERALLY THE LIL GREMLIN UNDER LEE JUNGSHINS BED EATING HIS TOENAILS I AM STARVING PLEASE and it’s the older male idols and the older female idols I bawled my entire pussy out when I found out Miss Ma’am Moon Hyuna from 9Muses was not only married but had a child ugh. ALL MY 9MUSES WIFES ARE MARRIED TO PEOPLE THAT ARE LESS PRETTY THAN THEM BUT MORE PRETTY THAN ME WHERE IS

IM PERFECTLY AVERAGE AMD SLIGHLTY MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND HATE LITERALLY EVERYONE AND HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN GENERAL BUT KAIN MY LOVE LEE SANG THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FOR ONE MAN I CAN MANAGE.

IF I HAVE TO SETTLE FOR JAY OR NIKI FROM EPIPEN OR..KEEHOS GEN Z ASS I FUCKING WILL I WILL TAKE THEM AND RUN CAUSE I HAVE NO MORE HOPE FOR ME. Call me a dramatic lil bitch but I’m so jealous and I blame my father for my intoxicatingly tragic fear of men ??? but wanting a relationship listen I know it doesn’t make sense trust me I am a walking ball of “brain isn’t braining” as the kids say these days. Either some entity or god or fate or whatever you want to call it has something beyond my wildest dreams in store for me later or I just have bad luck and all said spiritual entities really hate me that much. I know I’m being dramatic but the greesy lil gaslighting mouthwashphobic gremlin jumped out and I can no longer hold her back. I am as unhinged as my twitter and that’s just the way I am. I just get jealous of people in relationships because I tell myself I’m not interested and then I want one and then I don’t and then I say I’m a walking self defense mechanism and then I cry that I’m single and ugly but I don’t do anything to care about being pretty or taking care of myself like I swear my 3 braincells and the 5% of my good personality are a catch. My sweet Erwin Pattrick Pennors please 💍 man jealously is one hell of a drug “frfr” as the kids say these days. I just want to be happy but I feel like if I don’t get in a relationship or if I don’t do this or this I won’t be happy or if this does happen, what if the wattpad y/n gods actually bless my shitty life and I don’t like it and I’m not happy then what? Is it the disappointment of the future fueling my rage or is it the unknown. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE JESUS MAKE IT MAKE SENSE PLEASE IM SO TIRED OF EXISTING FOR THE SAME ROUTINE EVERYDAY YET IM TOO TERRIFIED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE IM LITERALLY PERFECT FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MENTALLY UNWELL LIKE ME 😭😭😭😭😭

ALSO YES I AM JEALOUS OF PLEASE THAT GET TO GO TO CONCERTS AND FANMEETS AND HAVE FANCALLS AND GET NOTICED BY THEIR FAVS ON THE INTERNET AND GET TO RANDOMLY MEET IDOLS OUT OF NOWHERE OKAY ITS TAKEN FOREVER FOR ME TO ADMIT CAUSE I STUFFED IT DOWN MY THROAT AS MY ANXIETY COULD NEVER I AM AFRAID OF MEN I HATE LARGE CROWDS I CANT DO IRL WITH REAL PEOPLE AND MAYBE SOME OF THAT IS TRUE OKAY I do get nervous around humans of the male species that are strangers and idols are no different but everyone gets nervous when they meet an idol right? Not just my ass thinking “I’m quirky” for whatever bs situation I made up in my head I get it I do but jeez I have to be so damn loud about it and literally no one fucking cares they don’t. Kain and Lee Sang and Daeil and Rolling Quartz and Grace and other idols don’t care about what I say they just appreciate the kind words like anyone does. I have been trying to get Kain to look at my insta for like 2 months and no it’s so dumb and not worth it like I just am not the main character and never will be I’m too mentally off and ugly and dramatic and just the vibes are like static and a sharp object to a balloon. Some things just don’t and won’t work out no matter how much you want it too. If it takes an another famously “delulu” rant on all my social media’s to discover this than so be it.

Maybe in 2023 I should stick to working on my own problems and my mental health and focus on driving and learning how to adult instead of wanting a hot husband and all these toxic scenarios I come up with in my head. I get jealous of people on social media who get famous and are followed or known by idols ya’know I think sometimes everyone does but some people just do things in a way that the pieces just fall together and that’s just it.

Good lord I think I’m done now I’m still jealous and sometimes I get sad about it and I might later cause ya’know

✨ moon tingz ✨

I’m fine fine ya’know. I just crave attention and want people to call me pretty and foam at the mouth and ya’know fun celeb stuff. I know I have friends that love me and give me compliments and I will forever be grateful for that no matter how long they are my friends but sometimes I just want one specific thing from one specific person even if it’s “delulu.” Anywee have this picture of something

#for real I think I’ve actually lost it #that j.heart video might have actually broke me #I spent a good 10 minutes screaming at takuya on twitter #then I come here and scream for another hour #maybe I need to have a near death experience to ‘fix my wagon’#maybe that last suicidal thought wasn’t all for nothing #ugh #I suppose it need to ‘touch some grass’ as the kids say these days #what more can I say that hasn’t been said #if you’ve known me for years you know my pattern #if this is your first time meeting me please stay away from me #it’s for your own good trust me #ugh remember that one time someone made a fake Niki tinder profile and I matched with him #good times :’)#uhhhh #rant #I’m the human embodiment of a yeast infection and a train wreck #🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡#find the sad cowboy ITS MEEEE 🤠🤠🤠#personal #please don’t like take this with a grain of salt but also do #but also I’m ‘down bad’ as the kids say for human interaction that’s not a friend ya’know #is anyone whack enough to relate? or am I alone once again

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xpao-bearx · 4 years

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《Original post here》

Part 2 HERE

SUMMARY: [Supernatural TWD AU] In which Negan is a kinky incubus, Rick Grimes is your secret guardian angel, and Daryl Dixon is a gruff monster/demon hunter. Three drastically different men who can only agree on one thing: making you theirs.

PAIRINGS: Reader x Negan, Reader x Rick Grimes, Reader x Daryl Dixon (Polyamorous Ships)

RATING: Mature/18+/Romance & Smut. Please be prepared and do NOT report.

NOTE: This is actually my first time ever writing an xReader story series as well as writing on Tumblr (I usually only write on Wattpad). As such, it probs won't be perfect though I would SERIOUSLY appreciate your *respectful* feedback and support!

I understand writing xReader content can get a lil tricky, so please just keep in mind that not everything Y/N says or does would be something that you'd do IRL or even approve of. Also, sometimes I may not help but put a teeny bit of myself in Y/N...

Lastly, I recently got back into the TWD fandom after a looong ass time and I'm taking a while re-watching the whole show. So I apologize in advance if my portrayal of any of the characters are rusty or I may not remember too much of the events from the show, but I promise to do my very best and hope y'all enjoy~!! \(^o^)/

DEDICATED TO: The wonderful @blccdyknuckles and @negans-attagirl 💖

"Heavenly Sins"

Part 1

The sounds of laughter and easygoing chatter filled your ears as you walked closer to the church, a light breeze blowing through your F/C floral dress and the sun blinding your eyes. It was Sunday, most residents of the small town of Alexandria having gathered for mass.

It was a day like any other; peaceful and happy, children giggling and chasing each other around as their parents socialized outside before church could start.

Your heels clacking rhythmically on the pavement, you were just about to enter the building before a familiar voice called out.

"Y/N!"

Spinning, a huge smile instantly reached your ears as you saw none other than Carl Grimes waving enthusiastically at you as he jumped out of a car. From the driver's seat, his father soon followed as he stepped out.

Rick Grimes--dedicated sheriff of this fine town. His usual uniform forgone, instead replaced with a casual navy coloured suit. His baby blues met your E/C, flashing you a bright smile of his own that rivalled the sun itself.

Carl was running towards you now, and once in front he gave you a big hug.

"Settle down, cowboy! It's as if you haven't seen me in forever." You chuckled, ruffling Carl's hair affectionately.

"That's 'cause it did feel like forever." Carl pouted, eventually letting go as he looked up at you.

Before you can reply, Rick patted Carl's head and greeted you. "Hey, Y/N. How are things?" He asked in that endearing Southern accent of his.

"Just fine." You nodded, grinning before you couldn't help but let your gaze wander around a bit. "No Judith?"

It was then that Rick's smile faltered, but just barely. You nearly didn't catch it. "No. She's with her mom."

Rick was divorced from his ex-wife, Lori, after he discovered her cheating on him with his also now ex-bestfriend Shane Walsh. After the divorce, Shane and Lori quickly moved to the neighbouring community of Woodbury together and agreed on joint custody of the kids.

It really made your blood boil; you've interacted with Lori only a few times before so you didn't really have much of an opinion on her...that is, until, you learned what had happened between her and Rick. You knew it wasn't any of your business, but you cared about Rick a lot and he sure as hell didn't deserve to get cheated on.

"Oh." Was all you could say, quite stupidly. Your cheeks reddened, mentally slapping yourself before clearing your throat. "Will I see her in the daycare tomorrow, though?" You were a daycare teacher and even though you loved all of the kids, Judith was your favourite. She was simply such a sweetheart.

Rick nodded, his smile softening. "You got it."

You couldn't continue the conversation as the bells rang, making you jump out of your skin. Carl, noticing this, laughed which made you playfully roll your eyes before slinging an arm around him as all of you went inside.

♡♡♡

You took your place near the back of the church with Carl and Rick. Once everyone was settled and done singing, the service began and Father Gabriel stood on top of the podium. A few minutes into his sermon, the interruption of a motorcycle revving loudly outside sliced through the air. Gabriel flinched in surprise, and it was obvious he was desperately trying to keep his cool. Finally, when it was silent again, you found yourself biting back a smile knowing all too well who had caused the ruckus.

It seems Rick knew, too, judging from how his jaw clenched and his hands turned into tight fists.

The doors were thrown open, making Gabriel flinch once more and some of the congregation turning in the pews to look. But poor Gabriel quickly fumbled with his Bible, raising his voice just a tad to regain their attention.

There was a low whistle accompanying the approaching footsteps, but the congregation did their damn hardest to ignore the latest visitor.

"Damn... I assumed the church would be a lot more welcoming than this." A husky voice whispered, and you at last couldn't hold back as a smile broke through.

"Negan." You whispered back, turning slightly in your seat to see he has taken the spot behind you. His leather clad arms lackadaisically resting on your chair, the musky scent of his cologne invading your senses oh so wonderfully. "Fancy seeing you here."

"What? Is it really that surprising, darlin'?" He grinned, presenting a row of perfectly straight white teeth. "I go to church."

"Not all the time." You pointed out.

"Ah..." He chuckled softly, hazel eyes twinkling. "That's 'cause Father Creepy McGee over there is just that. Creepy. As. Shit."

You bit the inside of your cheeks, suppressing your laughter. True, Gabriel did have his moments, but he wasn't that bad. That didn't change the fact that Negan knew exactly how to tickle your funny bone, though.

He was new to Alexandria. It was a lovely town, but since it was relatively small not a lot of people want to move here not unless it was families looking for their children to grow up in a safe environment. Which was why it was quite a shock to find out that a single man like Negan chose this destination, and even more so when he took everyone aback with his infamous pottymouth and rather inappropriate charisma.

He had moved just a couple of houses down from yours, and you made it your mission to befriend him. Right from the get-go, he had piqued your interest and curiousity. He was different from everyone else--even possessing an air of mystery about him--and that definitely intrigued you. And also, perhaps you were just too nice and didn't want him to feel outcasted. Although, that didn't seem like an issue to him at all.

"Want one?" You were brought back to reality when you saw Negan's hand outstretched with a pack of cigarettes.

"Dude, we're in church." You reprimanded, frowning.

Negan didn't say anything, only cocking a brow and still with that same shit-eating grin. You sighed, finally giving in as you swiftly grabbed one and stashed it away in your purse for later.

"Y/N." You turned to the left, Rick's icy gaze piercing you. "Pay attention."

"R-Right. Sorry..." You mumbled sheepishly.

Carl, who was sitting in the middle of you and Rick, had dozed off. Rick nudged him, but the brunette only groaned softly and snuggled into Rick's chest. Defeated, the sheriff sighed and was just about to listen again to Gabriel before Negan cut in.

"Rick!" Negan purposely raised his voice, knowing it would get a rise out of the other man. "Didn't even see ya there. Howdy, cowboy!"

Rick grimaced, and it looked like he was just going to ignore Negan though he knew that if he did that then Negan would just irritate him even further. "Good to see you, Negan." He forced himself to say.

"Only you can say that while giving me such a deadly side eye, Grimes." Negan snickered. "How have you been? How's the wife?"

Rick flushed, his fists in a tight ball again and it looked like his nails would be digging into his skin. You abruptly swung into action, placing a hand on Rick's own.

"Rick..." You said gently. "It's okay. Calm down."

Rick did, his shoulders drooping as if a heavy weight had been lifted. He can barely pay any attention to Gabriel now, then you suddenly stood up and grabbed Negan's arm.

"We need to talk. Now."

"What, we going for a quickie?" Negan smirked, but that soon faded when he saw your serious expression. He sighed dramatically, reaching his full height as he towered over you before following you out.

At this point, you didn't care if people saw what transpired or would even start gossiping. No one, not even Negan, was allowed to harass Rick. He has helped you through so much shit--more than you'd like to admit--and you at least owed him this much.

Once outside, next to where Negan parked his motorcycle, you exploded. "What the fuck is with you?! You leave Rick alone, or I swear to fucking Christ I will--"

"Woah, woah, woah! Hold your horses, missy!" Negan guffawed, his hands up in mock surrender. "I mean, I like 'em feisty, but goddamn! Watch your fucking language."

"Tch. You're one to talk."

"Did you just scoff at me?" He raised his brows, putting his hands in his pockets as he slowly drew closer to you. A devilish grin tugged at the corners of his mouth, tilting his head slightly. "No one's ever fucking scoffed at me and didn't regret it soon after."

You frowned, letting out a huff as you met his gaze challengingly. "As if you'd do anything to me."

He was silent for several moments before chuckling, leaning back against his motorcycle. "You're right. I have too much of a soft spot for ya." He pulled out a cigarette, lighting it then taking a drag. He drew his head upwards, puffing out the smoke. "Whaddya say we just forgive and forget? I truly am sorry. You can even tell Rick that I am metaphorically down on my goddamn knees begging for forgiveness~"

"I'm not forgiving or forgetting anything until you actually face Rick and apologize yourself." You muttered. And without another word, you spun on your heel and strutted back inside the church with your head held high.

Negan's intent stare lingered where your ass had just been, taking another long drag and letting out a small laugh to himself.

His eyes suddenly glowed a crimson red, a smirk playing on his lips.

Oh, he really did pick a GREAT one.

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whumping-every-day · 5 years

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if you’re still taking request fr bthb, anger born from worry in the gabriel series??

Guys, training is killing me. Nonnie, it has been 19692598796 years, but here is Anger Born of Worry! A direct continuation from this drabble.

Content warnings: Discussion of self harm, conditioning, pet whump, fear, y’all know the deal by now about the blurry line between creepy caretaking and comfort. Also I would not advocate for dealing with issues of self harm this way irl. Softer than it sounds?

Masterlist

–

Gabriel has never seen his Masters angry before, and he is afraid.

With First Master, it had been easy. Do what he was told, and do it perfectly, or he would be hurt until his performance improved. He should always be grateful for punishment, and thank Master for every lesson. Second Master was harder to read; he had left Gabriel underground, in the damp and cold, long enough for Gabriel to outgrow his cuffs and start to hear voices in the darkness. Then the man had found a use for him, and Gabriel had rediscovered obedience and fear. Second Master’s anger had been a terrible thing, easy to stir up and violent in its course.

These are things that Gabriel always learns of his owners. And now, in this warm, golden paradise his Master and Mistress have offered him… now Gabriel gets to learn again.

He is limp like a rag doll while Mistress pulls the shirt off over his head. It’s too late to earn mercy, he can see it in the way her hands shake - with fury, perhaps? Master looms in his periphery, trapping them in the kitchen.

He needs to learn this lesson, but he is afraid.

“You could have sent yourself to the hospital, young man,” Mistress is muttering. “You could have been really hurt, you have slipped, you could have – this knife isn’t even clean -” She’s rambling, and once she ascertains that the boy doesn’t need stitches she sits back abruptly, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth.

The silence stretches, heavy and loaded. Mistress takes a slow breath, and then she’s snapping back into motion and dragging the first aid kit closer.

There’s footsteps, then that large, dark presence is crouching beside his sister. “Mari,” Stefan murmurs. He reaches out to put a hand on his sister’s shoulder, and Maria shrugs it off in a quick motion. Something glistens on her cheek, but she’s already turning away.

“ ‘m fine,” she mutters. “He’ll be fine. I just – I need to do this.” This, of course, being tend to their wayward pet.

Master’s eyes tick down at the thought, and Gabriel shrinks under his gaze. He can only meet the man’s eyes for a split second before he’s hiccuping apologies again. There’s anger there, but there’s also worry, and sadness, and disappointment, and somehow that’s just as bad.

“I’m s-sorry M-Master,” he stammers. “I’m sorry, I d-didn’t – please, I didn’t mean to-”

“You didn’t mean to stab yourself with a kitchen knife?”

The words aren’t angry, per se, but they’re harsh, and Gabriel cowers as his mouth snaps shut. He gives a tiny, frightened whine, and he can only shake his head helplessly. He hadn’t meant it, he hadn’t, and he was so sorry.

“Stefan,” Mistress murmurs. The antiseptic and gauze are out again, just like the night they’d brought him home, and Mistress is examining where the knife is still buried in Gabriel’s shoulder. It’s a small knife, thank god, and not in very deep - but she still has to pull it out.

“You, deep breath.” It’s clear when she’s speaking to Gabriel as opposed to Stefan, and Gabriel winces and obeys. “Hold still.” There’s a quick, decisive motion and a quiet sshhk, and then an outpouring of blood. It feels worse coming out, and Gabriel can’t quite help the whimper of pain, curing in on himself just a little.

The pain is familiar, and Gabriel grits his teeth and breathes through it, squeezing his eyes shut as his Mistress’s hand approaches again.

This time he flinches at the contact, but Mistress is just dabbing something that stings onto the thin puncture mark. The pain is sharp but brief, and Gabriel keeps his eyes trained on his knees while Mistress expertly tapes a butterfly bandage onto his shoulder. She uses three consecutively, and then they are followed up with a thick wad of gauze and medical tape.

Meanwhile, Master is hovering, looking down at the two of them. “I’m not going to pretend he didn’t just scare the crap out of us,” he mutters to his sister. “And when you’re done patching him up, provided we don’t have to go to the hospital, I think we should sit down and have a chat about what just happened.”

Mistress sighs, but she just pulls out another wad of gauze and nods, and any hope Gabriel had of protection from Master’s wrath sputters and dies in his chest.

“Arm up, sweetheart.” Mistress has taped the last layer of gauze down, and Gabriel does as he’s told, terror and shame still prickling in his gut. There’s blood on the floor. He should have cleaned it up before they got home. Or he shouldn’t have spilled it in the first place, because it isn’t his to spill. He takes the smallest sliver of comfort in the fact that Mistress is calling him sweetheart again. He knows he is going to be punished, but perhaps afterwards, when he is lying bloody and broken at their feet… maybe they’ll forgive him for what he’s done.

He doesn’t try to talk again. He understands that punishment is imminent, and he tries to be as small and meek as he can as he waits. His injury is tended to with gentle and efficient hands, and it’s more mercy than he deserves. When Mistress is done, she sits back, snapping the first aid kit shut with an air of finality.

“You’re lucky you don’t need a tetanus shot.” She shakes her head again, and Gabriel chances a quick glance out of the corner of his eye. The lines around her eyes have eased a little, which he hopes is a good sign. But then she’s straightening again and jabbing a finger at his shoulder with enough feeling to have him flinching simply on principle. “If that starts to bleed through, you tell me immediately. Those bandages should be enough, but if not…”

Gabriel nods quickly. “I’ll – I’ll t-tell you, Mistress,” he whispers, fingers clasped in his lap.

A hand moves in the corner of his eye, and Gabriel’s heart misses a beat – but it is only Master, offering Mistress a hand up. She takes it, and there’s a moment where the two of them seem to be sharing some sort of silent communication. Her fingers dig into Master’s arm just a bit too tight, and Master responds by tugging her into a quick hug.

Gabriel quickly looks away. They are so soft with each other, these two, and the display of tenderness from one Master to the other is bizarre to him. This is something private, something he shouldn’t see.

Someone sniffs, and then the moment is over, and that same hand is being offered to him.

“Come on, bud.” Master is calmer now, it seems, and Mistress is wiping at her cheeks. They both seem shaken, and Gabriel still does not fully understand why.

He doesn’t want to take the hand. Those hands will bring pain, even after all the kindness they have dished out. But still it remains, and Gabriel gives a little whimper and pushes clumsily to his feet on his own.

“I suppose that works. Come.” The simple command is an immediate relief, flooding his system like a drug, and Gabriel immediately falls into step at Master’s heel. Even though he knows he’s about to be disciplined, there is an odd sort of comfort in something finally making sense.

He expects to be led to the basement, where his cries will be muffled and his blood can be cleaned up. Instead they take him into the living room, and Gabriel’s anxiety racks up a notch at the sight of the pristine white carpets. If he bleeds here, it will stain, and then he will be in even more trouble.

He doesn’t want to be in more trouble.

The couch is a lovely beige, and the pillows have white and cream threading and gold tassels. Gabriel is fixated on that, for some reason, as if his mind is grasping for other details to latch onto.

Master settles in the armchair like a king in his throne, and Mistress perches on the edge of the sofa like a jaguar surveying her territory. Separately they are intimidating, but together they are terrifying. Gabriel knows where to go without being told, and he sinks to his knees at their feet and waits.

They had tested him on the first day and invited him up onto the furniture… but Gabriel knows better than that. He knows the rules, he knows how to be good.

“Are you in any pain, sweetheart? Aside from the obvious?” Gabriel blinks at the question and dares a tiny glance up at Mistress’s face. Her brows are pinched, but she’s waiting for an answer.

“N-no, Mistress…”

“Okay. Good.” Mistress nods, almost as if to herself.

“We are both glad you’re alright, Gabriel.” The use of his name, as well as Master’s low baritone, have Gabriel flinching and immediately refastening his eyes on the carpet. He is reminded once again of just how much larger his Master is, and how easy it would be for the strength in those arms to be used in anger.

Gabriel doesn’t dare respond, not when his punishment has yet to be decided.

“We do need to talk about what happened in the kitchen, but there are a few things we should clear up first.” His Master leans back in the chair, but the lines of his body aren’t threatening, even as he watches the boy. “When we got home and your mistress found you like that, we both reacted in a certain way… and I want to make sure we’re all on the same page about why.”

Why? Gabriel stares at Master for a long moment as he replays the words in his head, trying to force them to make sense. There’s a trap here somewhere, surely, some sort of trick or test, but Gabriel can’t figure out where. Is he meant to guess exactly which aspect of his disobedience has angered them the most?

“M-Master?” It’s not an answer, but Gabriel doesn’t know what to do, and the shame curls even hotter and brighter in his gut. This isn’t a question he knows the answer to.

“You scared the shit out of us,” Mistress interjects flatly, and Gabriel flinches. She has her hands in her lap, and the tight lines around her eyes have eased a little… but they are not gone. Gabriel is already trying to make himself smaller, presenting a smaller target. “I don’t think I can pretend that I wasn’t angry,” she murmurs, and Gabriel whimpers softly. Mistress just shakes her head. “Anger is often a secondary emotion to fear or hurt,” she says simply. “I came home, and I found you bleeding on the kitchen floor with a knife in your hand, and I didn’t know what you’d done, or if–” Mistress’s voice wobbles, and it’s shocking enough that Gabriel looks up at her, eyes wide. She takes a moment, closes her eyes, then starts again. “I didn’t know how badly you’d hurt yourself, or if I’d be able to help you. I didn’t know if it was too late or not, or what you’d done.”

He’s never heard that kind of break in her voice before. His Mistress is always confident, always sure. Gabriel gives a quiet little whine, and there’s guilt swelling in his chest now now too. He was bad, but it wasn’t because he made them angry – it was because he’d frightened them.

Just the thought is ludicrous, preposterous. It sounds like a horrible joke, and he’s sure that there is a punchline coming soon.

“Your Mistress is right,” Master murmurs. The man shifts in his chair, and Gabriel trembles when the motion puts him within grabbing distance. “We promised to take care of you, and we will. But that’s hard if you’re hurting yourself.”

There’s silence for a long moment as they let the words sink in. Gabriel isn’t sure if he should speak, or try to apologize again, so he keeps quiet.

“Can you-” Mistress again. “Can you tell us why you did what you did?”

It’s a simple question, but Gabriel finds his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.

“I’m - I’m s-sorry, Mistress,” is all he has to offer. “I didn’t – didn’t mean to be b-bad, I’m sorry -” Master lifts a hand to silence him, and Gabriel’s mouth snaps shut.

“This is not the time for apologies,” he says, and even though it’s soft, the reprimand makes him flinch again.

“We would just like to know why, if you can tell us,” Mistress murmurs. “There’s no wrong answer, sweetheart. I promise. We just want to understand.”

Absently, Gabriel notices that he’s wringing his fingers in his lap, and he can’t remember when he’d started. He bites his lip as the quiet stretches, unable to meet their eyes. Why had he done it? His reasons seem stupid in retrospect.

“I-” The first attempt at an explanation dies in his mouth, and Gabriel makes a pathetic sound and falls lower on his knees. “I – I d-don’t know, I’m sorry, I’m -” he clamps a hand over his mouth before he can devolve into apologies again, doubling over at the waist. His Masters want an answer, so Gabriel has to give it to them. He has to. “I w-w-wanted to be g-good,” he gets out, with some difficulty. His breathing has gone short and quick again, and Gabriel can feel it, but he can’t stop it. “I’m sorry, Master,” he gasps. “I – I w-wanted to be better…”

“And you thought that hurting yourself would make you better?” Master’s voice is not judgmental, not irate. Just considering, calm and cool as he questions Gabriel. The boy latches onto the easy show of control, desperate for something steady and familiar against the maelstrom of emotions. He manages a nod, and a wet sniffle.

“But why did you think you needed to?” It’s Mistress again, and her voice is worried still, not like Master’s. “Did we… have we made you feel like you aren’t good?”

It’s a distressed sound, this time, that bubbles out of his chest. “N-no! No, Mistress, please. I don’t, I don’t d-deserve it, you’ve been – so kind, and – and so merciful, thank you, Masters, thank you.” Gabriel slinks a little closer, cowering at their feet like a kicked dog. “I w-wanted to be good,” he whimpers. “I want to be g-good, and I have to – I have to be t-taught, y-you have to -” And that sentence gets cut off immediately, because Gabriel knows full well that Master and Mistress don’t have to do anything. “Please,” he gasps instead. “I have t-to – I have to learn how to be good. And, and the pain will t-teach me, it’ll m-make sure I st-stay good…”

It’s probably the most words he’s ever spoken in one go, and Gabriel feels wrung-out after, bare and exposed. He can’t look at them from where he is, and he doesn’t try.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Mistress sounds pained. There’s movement, then, and Gabriel winces as he waits to be kicked onto his side, or for a foot to slam down on his fingers. Instead a soft presence crouches beside him, and then Mistress’s hands are on his shoulders, gently pulling him up.

Gabriel moves with the hands, and he only flinches a little when one of them cups his cheek.

“We haven’t really been helping with this, have we?” It sounds rhetorical, and sad, and Gabriel can only blink up at her. She’s still displeased, but she’s touching him so carefully, and that has to be good, right?

“Thank you for helping us understand,” Master says. After a moment he also comes down to sit on the floor, and Gabriel shrinks away, biting down on a little whine. Sometimes the Masters will allow him to kneel for them, or let him sit at their feet. But other times it’s like this, when they insist on lowering themselves to his level, and it always makes him feel like he’s doing something wrong.

The spot where Mistress had cupped his cheek is cold when her hand falls, and Gabriel winces and braces himself, waiting for the slap. Instead there is a gentle hand on his knee, coaxing his eyes open again.

“You’re not in trouble, little one,” Master tells him. Mistress is nodding, sitting relaxed and cross-legged, even though it must be uncomfortable in her heels - and has she not even had the chance to take them off?

Gabriel feels the shame burn even brighter at the sight. He’s disrupted their evening so completely, made a nuisance of himself… he can’t believe that he isn’t in trouble. Not after the mess he’s caused.

“You’re not in trouble, but I think we do need to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

There is is, Gabriel thinks. The but that always follows reassurances. He’s not in trouble, they say, but there are contingencies. He only bows his head, ready to accept whatever measures they wish to put into place.

“You were trying to punish yourself in our stead… that’s right, isn’t it? That’s what you were trying to do?”

It’s so much worse when she says it like that. Gabriel can hear the presumptuousness of it, now; thinking that he could take that choice out of his owner’s hands, thinking that he deserved to deliver his own pain.

“Yes, Mistress,” he whispers hoarsely. That was exactly what he’d tried to do.

Mistress nods again, decisively this time, and she glances over at his Master for a moment. Confirmation passes between the two of them, and Gabriel gives a shiver and a little sob at how easily they decide his punishment.

“Breath, little one,” Mistress murmurs, and Gabriel drags in a heavy gulp of air and lets it out in a shudder.

“We’re not going to hurt you, bud.” Master has mostly let Mistress do the talking, but he seems to understand the conclusion they’ve come to. Gabriel’s heart stutters at the words, but he can only whine and shake his head. No. No, he was bad, he was bad and he deserved to be disciplined.

“I mean it,” his Mistress repeats, and there’s just a sliver of sharpness in her tone. Gabriel cowers under it, but she is firm, relentless. “ We mean it, little one. You aren’t in any trouble. However, I do think it’s time for a new rule.”

A new rule? Gabriel looks up quickly, a misplaced surge of hope sweeping through him. He can follow rules - that will make it easier to be good.

His Mistress nods and straightens her shoulders, and when she turns her attention back on Gabriel, he shivers under the command of it.

“You are not allowed to hurt yourself.” Gabriel is trembling softly, and he can only shiver and nod as she continues. “You are not to intentionally injure or harm yourself in any way. And if -” she pauses just for a moment, then, and Gabriel’s heart pauses with her. “If you feel like you deserve to be punished. If you think you’ve done something so bad that you need to be hurt.” His Mistress’s eyes bore into him with single minded intensity, and Gabriel feels stripped bare and raw underneath it. “If that happens, you are to come to one of us. You are not to deal with it alone. Come us, and we will help you. Understood?”

It’s a lot; there are a lot of words to sort through, but Gabriel tries, rewinding and replaying them in his head until he thinks he understands. They will not allow him to hurt himself, because the right to do so belongs to them. That makes sense, and finally understanding something feels like a weight coming off of his shoulders.

He’s not in trouble this time. But the next time he is, or the next time he starts to feel that awful, insidious itch under his skin - next time, he can tell them, and they will help alleviate that pressure. He understands that helping him is only discipline under a different name. But he is still grateful.

“I understand, Mistress,” he whispers. “Th-thank you, Mistress, for my rules.” There are tears starting to dry on his cheeks, and his Mistress reaches up and, with the utmost care, thumbs the salty stiffness away.

“Promise me you won’t scare us like that again,” she says, and Gabriel’s throat feels tight.

“I p-promise, Mistress.” He still can’t fathom why they aren’t angrier with him. He doesn’t know why he isn’t being punished, if his actions had displeased them so. But his Mistress looks relieved, and the last vestiges of tension are easing out of Master’s shoulders.

“Good boy,” his Master murmurs, and Gabriel’s breath catches. Can it truly be this easy?

The man is careful when he extends an arm in offering, and Gabriel only hesitates for a moment before slinking closer. In the earlier days with his Master and Mistress, Gabriel had feared their touch - and he knew that it could still bring great pain, if he earned it. But he had also come to understand that they might offer comfort…

And Gabriel likes the comfort.

He is familiar with the cozy space between Master’s side and arm, and Gabriel nestles into it, timidly curling up into the warmth. He can still hardly believe that the oncoming pain has been averted. But Master is gentle when he curls his arm around the boy, even though the strength in just that one appendage is enough to lift Gabriel clear off the ground if he chose to.

They’re still sitting on the ground, all three of them, and Mistress gets up only to sit down again on Gabriel’s other side, so he is sandwiched between them.

She tugs her shoes off and tosses them a little distance away, before yawning and leaning back against the base of the couch.

“Well then. If there are no objections… I think this is a perfect spot for movie night.” She reaches to tug the throw blanket and pillows off of the couch, and the next thing Gabriel knows, Master is gently guiding him forward so that Mistress can position a pillow behind his back. It’s so he has something to learn on, Gabriel realizes, and he lets it happen purely out of surprise.

He opens his mouth to object, and Mistress holds up a hand. “Ah ah. One moment, sweetheart.”

There are enough pillows for all of them, it seems, and by the time Mistress is done retrieving pillows (more pillows than had been on the couch to begin with, Gabriel is certain) they are cocooned in their own little nest.

Master still has an arm draped across him, and Mistress settles with a satisfied sigh, pressed soft and comforting against his other side.

“There we go. Doing okay, Gabe?”

Gabriel just blinks up at her for a long moment, at a complete loss for words. His shoulder throbs dully, but that is a pain so familiar that is easy to ignore. She is waiting for an answer, kind and patient, and somehow Gabriel knows that she would accept it if his answer was no.

He nods instead, and timidly leans into her fingers when she reaches up to stroke his hair.

“Okay. What are we feeling like watching tonight, Stefan? Something light, I think…”

His Master’s side rumbles with his response, and Gabriel eases into the familiar pattern slowly, nervously. He likes this part, when he can curl up warm and small and quiet, but it is hard to believe that it is real. He had been so afraid just moments before, but they are already moving on, as if his transgressions are something that can simply be forgotten about. As if his mistakes can be forgiven without penalty.

For just a moment, Gabriel feels that same itch under his skin, and his heart stops. But this time time when it tries to push it down, it goes. If he is bad, Master or Mistress will tell him, and they will deal out his punishment accordingly. It is not his place to decide. For the moment, he is warm, and held, and he’s been forgiven for his wrongdoings.

Gabriel has no idea which movie they end up putting on, but he is fast asleep within ten minutes, curled snugly into his Master’s side while his Mistress plays with his hair.

[END]

#bdhb #sarah writes bdhb #gabriel series #captivity whump #conditioning #creepy caretaking #sort of #fear #mention of self harm

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soulformyowner · 4 years

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Your post about abandonment touched me deeply and led me to read through months’-worth of content on your blog. I’ve been sharing ideas with my partner from some posts you’ve written and reblogged, but.. could you recommend any more thorough and comprehensive resources, either online or in books, about dominance and submission especially in their capacity to be vehicles for personal growth and support? Thanks so much, I really appreciate your blog! Take care xx

<3 Thank you so much! Your message means a lot to me.

- My best advice to read anything and everything you can, go down as many internet rabbit holes as you can, even about dynamics that don’t “fit” you. I consider myself a slave, but I had to learn about petplay, taken-in-hand, and ageplay dynamics before I could decide what resonated with me. Even if you disagree with what you’re reading, you can bring it to your partner and start a conversation that way. “This person wrote x, but in our context, I find y is more important. What do you think?”

Websites I visit often: https://www.submissiveguide.com/ https://www.the-iron-gate.com/

Some Googleable mix-n-match terms: power exchange / master slave / dynamic / taken in hand / dominance submission / rules / contract / protocol / safety / SSC / RACK / PRICK / fetish / behavior modification / respect / obedience / caregiver little / petplay / humility / blog / collar / owner property / BDSM / kink / leather / lifestyle / erotic hypnosis / TPE / orgasm control / ritual / training

- If you don’t have a Fetlife, it’s a good idea to get one. A lot of people will recommend Fetlife if someone is looking for local community events or people to play with irl, but I’ve found the discussion boards useful. BDSM Theory and Spirituality & BDSM might be of interest to you.

- Tumblr has an excellent D/s scene. domwithpen’s old blog was a goldmine (he’s now at @dwpreturns) and you might still be able to find his writings floating around. @subgirlygirl & @keptmathilda & @amysubmits & @onelittlekingdom & @cherishedproperty & @sccwriting & @spicenwolf & @bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls are some of my favorite current D/s blogs.

Other resources: Erotic Awakening podcast, The Story of O, Conquer Me, works by Raven Kaldera, The New Bottoming Book, Living M/s; A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships

I hope this is helpful! May your dynamic prosper. <3

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365daysofsasuhina · 5 years

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[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Three Hundred Thirty-One: Boiling Water ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

Another day...another away basketball game. Which means a pretty empty classroom for the Home Ec group.

And Sasuke still has a lot on his mind regarding the class.

It’s true that he’s really enjoyed this semester. He had his doubts in the beginning. It has a bit of a reputation for being...well, girly. Of course, now he knows better. Sewing, cooking, cleaning...it’s not a girl thing, it’s a person thing.

While most of his classmates are underclassmen girls, they’ve subtly - in their own way - help impress just such a fact upon him. Doesn’t matter what you are. Got a hole in your shirt? You can fix it, just gotta know how. Need to make a dessert for a friend’s potluck? You can make one, just gotta know how! And literally everyone needs to know how to clean. Otherwise...you’re just gross.

In short, he went from one of those senior guys to a better equipped soon-to-be-adult. And also from someone rather intimidating in the class to the girls’ favorite person to fill in on gossip and ask opinions for. From scary upperclassman to adopted older brother of the class, really.

Well...for everyone except one person.

Hinata’s been...different. Mostly because she’s a senior, like he is. But also because she’s pretty much teacher number two. A copilot for the class, but especially for Sasuke. She helped him catch up in a variety of the class’s aspects, but especially cooking. Which his mother has been ecstatic about.

And over time, it’s become less about him learning from her, and more just...hanging out with her. They use free days to just...sit and cook things and talk. He hasn’t ever really had a friend like her before. Mostly he’s only ever just been commandeered into friendships like that with Naruto, or Shikamaru, or any of the other guys in their year. Any girls he’s met have generally been obnoxious and only wanted one thing from him.

...ironic then that the one he’s been able to tolerate and actually befriend...he’s been trying very hard not to feel more than that for.

He didn’t even mean for it to happen! It just...did! She’s so kind, and soft-spoken, and sweet...and she’s never treated him like the other girls have treated him. Like some kind of prey to be stalked and hunted down. It drives him up the wall...no, Hinata just treats him like anyone else. Like a friend.

And...and that’s what he wants.

...ugh.

It just so happens, too, that this entire conundrum is coming up as the semester is about to end. Technically Sasuke only needs one semester of this class to meet his requirements for graduation. And at the beginning of the year, he had assumed he’d be thankful once it was over. But now...he’s not so sure. And not just because of Hinata. He genuinely enjoys the class, and wants to stay.

There’s just one problem: his dad has been hounding him about taking as many “attractive” classes to colleges as he can. And needless to say that a Home Ec course doesn’t really do much for him in that regard.

Which leaves Sasuke in a bit of a bind. Does he ignore his father’s very obvious hinting and risk making him mad? Or does he abandon one of his favorite classes to please him (and whatever university ends up accepting him), making himself all the more miserable?

It’s been bugging him for a few weeks now...and he really isn’t sure what to do.

So...he decides to ask the one person he thinks he should.

“Another quiet day,” Hinata muses, letting her bag rest near the table she always sits at. “Well...want to cook something?”

Sasuke doesn’t reply at first, and her head tilts curiously.

“...Sasuke?”

“Could we maybe do something...else first?”

“Um...sure! What...what were you thinking?”

“I’d like some advice.”

Pale eyes blink in surprise. “...okay! Um...would you like some tea for while we...talk?”

“...yeah, that’d be nice.”

Nodding, Hinata fetches one of the Home Ec room’s kettles, filling it with water and letting it sit on the stovetop. ��Is...everything okay?”

“Y’know how I mentioned changing classes the other day?”

“Oh...yeah. Still haven’t m-made a decision yet?”

His head shakes.

“Well, I...I don’t know if I’m really the person to ask, Sasuke.”

“I already asked my mom. She said I should stay.”

“...I take it you, um...you haven’t asked your dad?”

“No. I already know what he’d say. And...I didn’t want to risk bringing it up and having him make up my mind for me, y’know?”

“Yeah...I get that.” Going quiet for a moment, she seems to mull that over. “...what do you want to do?”

“...I want to stay.”

“...but?”

“But...I don’t want my dad to get angry. I don’t want to risk screwing up my college apps.”

“Will half a credit really make or break you…?”

“No. I don’t think so? I don’t know!”

Holding up a hand for a pause, Hinata lets the kettle build to a steady whistle before pouring two mugs of tea. “...here.”

“...thanks.”

“Let’s sit.”

Sasuke follows, holding his cup and not yet drinking. It’s almost more soothing just to hold it.

“...before, when we talked...you said you liked this class, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And that you...you already know your major, and...what kind of job you want?”

“I guess. It’s not really that I...want it? More just I guess it’s what I’ll do.”

Hinata’s eyes lower to the table, clearly thinking. “...do you...enjoy the things we do in class? Like...would you consider them hobbies, now?”

“...some of it? Cooking, yeah. I was kinda meh about it before, but...now I really like it. The rest is just useful.”

“...then I would stay, if I were you. Your dad can’t throw much of a fit about half a credit, right…?”

Sasuke sighs, a hand running back through his hair. “...I guess not. I just…” There’s a beat of hesitation. “...my dad’s pretty strict with my brother and I. Itachi’s already getting his undergrad in business this year, and he’s going on for a master’s. I don’t even think he wants to, he just feels like he has to because Dad pushed him into it. And then he started doing the same to me when Itachi started college.”

Hinata’s expression sobers. “...I know how that goes. My father and I, we...we had a big f-falling out when I was younger about what I wanted to do. When I told him I was going to take a year off...he told me he was cutting all support once I graduate.”

“What?!”

A nod. “He doesn’t think it’s proper. So I’ll be on my own. But I don’t have a plan...nothing’s ever felt that c-clear to me. I wanted the year to take and just...discover myself. See if...there was something I wanted to pursue.”

Sasuke’s brows furrow with a frown. “...I still say you do culinary stuff. You’re so good at it, Hinata! And you clearly enjoy it! Screw your dad and his snotty standards. Take a year, explore, and then go to culinary school. Look...I know there’s a pretty good program with the local community college. I bet you’d do great, and it wouldn’t be very expensive. Hell, I’d help you if I could.”

At that, her face slackens in surprise. “You...you really…?”

“You’re like...the nicest person I know. If your dad’s gonna treat you like that, it’s his loss, not yours. It’s your life, ‘nata. Do what you want with it.” Sasuke takes a gulp of tea in a spike of temper, feeling it burn down his throat. “...and if you open that baker you talked about? I’ll come work for you - do your books and stuff. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing otherwise. I’d do it.”

“But...w-why…?”

“Cuz you’re my friend. And I want to support you. Look...I know it’s only been a semester, but...you’re one of my best friends. Maybe even my best friend. So what kinda friend would I be back if I didn’t do that much, huh?”

To his own surprise, her jaw trembles, tears beading along her lids. “No one’s...n-no one’s ever...told me that before. Just...said I should do it.”

“Then you need to find better people to be around,” he mutters stubbornly.

“...thank you, Sasuke. Heh…” She dashes at her eyes with a sheepish smile. “...this was supposed to be advice for you...not me.”

“Hey, it’s a two-way street. I’ll stick to the class. That much we pretty much already knew anyway, right?”

“...right.”

Sasuke’s eyes flicker between her own, which stare a bit somberly at the table. “...it’ll be fine, Hinata. Besides, we’ve got a whole semester before we graduate. You can make some plans between now and then. Just...forget your dad and his attitude. It’s all gonna work out.”

“...I hope so.” Finally looking up, she gives him a rosy-cheeked smile. “...I’m glad you’re staying. It...it means a lot to me to have you to talk to, and just...y’know...hang out with. Is...is that lame?”

“...nah, it’s not lame at all.”

.oOo.

(This is a sequel to days 98, 108, 139, 227, 284, and 301!) Heyyy, guys - sorry for the unexpected two day break. But uh...I'll talk more about that below for anyone wondering. For now, about the drabble! We're back in the Home Ec verse! I love this one, for a couple of reasons. Mostly cuz it's just so domestic and slice-of-lifey, y'know? It's relaxing, even when writing more stressful parts for them like this one. I dunno. It's just nice xD Not really a full 'story' per se since not much really...HAPPENS. But it's one of my favorite series. Anyway, a lil behind-the-scenes for a second, which comes first with a little warning: the rest of the year is going to be VERY busy for me due to some irl changes happening this month. The next two weeks especially, but it'll probably drag on until at least the new year...I dunno. But in short, I've been missing so many days the last few weeks because life is REALLY stressful, and I've just been too tired. Add in that I have a chronic illness to deal with, and just...yeah. I get behind and have to take breaks. And honestly I'm getting very burnt out by a whole year of writing an average of 1500 words A DAY. For reference's sake, this challenge JUST past 500,000 words. And I also did SHM, which was another 30,000, and ANOTHER ship month which was 75,000. That's over 600,000, and that's not counting other side projects I've done. So yes, I write other things too, but that makes this challenge all the more...well, challenging. For reference, today's prompt was for November 27. That's how far behind I've gotten. But there's just...really not much I can do about it, sadly. I don't have time to make them up, and likely will just have to drag the event out past December 31. Then on top of that there's organizing all the mini series for AO3, and just...yeah. I'm gonna need a LONG break once that's done before I even THINK of taking on all the projects I want to that will stem from this challenge. SO, in short...just please be patient with me ;w; I'm doing my best, and in the end - as much as I love this - it IS just fanfiction. Real life has to come first. So I hope you'll bear with me for the last few weeks, and then the much-needed hiatus once it's over to recup before hopefully turn some of these into proper fics. We'll see how life goes. But, that's enough rambling out of me! I just thought I'd elaborate a bit in case anyone was curious. I'm all right, just...very busy and stressed ^^; So I'll just have to take this challenge as I can. But thanks to everyone sticking with it. I appreciate it! On that note, though...I better go. Thanks for reading!

#sasuhina #uchiha sasuke #hyūga hinata #best years of your life [ au ]#365daysofsasuhina

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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My boyfriend of a few months (i've known him for a year) has just told me his "his mind and body don't match" that he has struggled all his life with this. (I'm female btw) I honestly don't know how to feel or react or what to say. I'm so confused but also I just want to hold him forever because he's the most beautiful person in the world to me. :( do you or your followers have any advice on how to deal with this?

hey! like he's trans? i'll use he/him pronouns since you did if that's ok, but correct me if not. i definitely don't think i'm an authority on this subject and if i have any trans followers who want to chip in, your insight would be greatly valued..........but i guess generally i would recommend just letting him know that you're there to listen and that you love him and that you will be with him through it all. that would be a good place to start. try to keep an open mindset. don't assume how he feels or try to speak for him, just ask and go with it. be receptive to his thoughts n feelings. think about how you would feel if you were him. it must be painful to deal with something like this for your whole life. and this must be quite a shock for you as well. it's totally normal to not know exactly what to do, and to experience a period of adjustment where you feel a bit out of sync and taken aback. confusion is just a part of beginning to understand. process it in your own way, one step at a time. you're both just learning to navigate this, but it seems like you care for each other profoundly and that's a really good sign. he was honest with you and it was probably really hard to talk about it after keeping it inside for so long. but that means he trusts you enough to try. idk where you guys live or what the situation is like, or if he wants to begin to transition in any way. it's tough and he's the only one who can make that call. but i think having a conversation about what you can do to help and where he wants to go from here could be really beneficial. there may be minor changes that can be made that will enable him to feel more comfortable on a daily basis. i would also suggest doing some more research about how to support him. there are a lot of people online who share their own experiences which could make you both feel less alone. it probably feels like a very overwhelming situation but i promise there are resources and people who understand. the more you guys confront this together, and the more you remain open to positive progress, the less foreign it will seem. he doesn't have to be cis, it's ok that he's not. you can both come to terms in your own ways in order to create lives you're glad to live. whatever that looks like, there's no wrong answer. i don't know where you're at with your feelings for him, and how you deal with them is entirely your choice. but regardless, you obviously think he's an amazing person and you want him to be happy. just being there for him will help more than you realize. he doesn't owe a physical transition or a 'coming out' announcement to anyone, and there's no rush. right now it's probably a good idea to just work on being honest with each other and like i said before, listening to what he needs and what steps he wants to take, if any. familiarizing yourself with trans people (through online or irl communities) and showing him that he has options and that he is loved will make a big difference. there are also hotlines you can call that will offer additional info and guidance. anyway i hope you're both ok and that you're able to get to a point where you're both happy and healthy. you deserve it, and it's alright if it's a process. take it one day at a time. and let me know if you need a friend, i'll be here. sending love.

again, if i have any trans followers who want to make some suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated.

#anon

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sakurauchis · 6 years

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H i a t u s N o t i c e

┈ Hello everyone! It’s Aleena; some of you may know me by my old URL’s kageyamastobio or dazaiosamu! it’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve last been on tumblr or have posted an edit. As you can probably tell from the title, this is an extremely long overdue post that I’m finally getting around. I’ve been putting this off for so long, but It’s my birthday today on August 16th & I decided that it would finally be a good time to talk about this. I wanted to thank everyone properly and let you all know what’s going on.

┈ I’ve been thinking of quitting tumblr for quite a while now. As some of you might have been able to tell, I haven’t updated my queue in a very long time. The posts that have been running once a day is whatever I have left that’s been tagged from months ago. It’s almost completely empty now >< I also haven’t posted any edits in a long time too. It’s just a lot of time for me now to maintain my blogs and I think going on this hiatus will help a lot.

┈ It makes me sad to say this but I don’t have as much free time to spend on tumblr anymore. When I first got into tumblr in my last year of high school, I used to love running my blog, as well as being in a bunch of sideblogs with the amazing people that I have met on here. I’m actually entering my third year of university this upcoming fall! A lot of time has flown by and i’m glad for the years i’ve been on here. But I haven’t been able to stay up to date with seasonal anime, and I feel like I have fallen so far behind. I’ve also lost a lot of motivation to keep making edits too :c It’s not that I don’t enjoy making edits anymore, I still do! It’s a wonderful passion I was able to learn and dedicate myself to for the past three years. A majority of my time now is dedicated to school, studying, and more irl things. I also have a boyfriend now haha! Even when I did manage to find some time, I felt like I would only go on tumblr to make sure that my blog wasn’t falling behind. Eventually that kept piling up because I couldn’t keep up to date with the all the new content.

┈ I still really really love watching anime, reading manga & webtoons, as well as finding new content for all these fandoms. I can’t believe that almost all of my mutuals are still following me despite not being active anymore. It means a lot and I love you guys all so much :’) If anyone is curious, I’ve basically been mostly active on twitter at this point. I’ve been using my main twitter for animanga (and kpop) content as well as my idol twitter for my mobage games. A good chunk of my close mutuals already have me on there, but if anyone is interested, I would love to still keep in touch with everyone on twitter (mutual or not)~

┈ This is also sucks for me to say, but certain tumblr fandoms have also really drained the enthusiasm and motivation that I used to have for them. While I still love those fandoms to death, I find myself not actively keeping up to date because of how tiresome the fandom can be :x I know not all fandoms are like this but it’s sad to see the negative sides of them so often on here. I just don’t want to associate with that anymore! This also leads into another small topic, but I was heavily involved in a lot of drama here a year(?) ago or something. While I have definitely moved on, some parts of it still do affect me today. I’m not going to lie, it has made me not want to make edits as much as before as a result of it. I know I’ve been mentioning a lot of sad stuff but in the long run, i’ve really enjoyed the times i’ve spent on here, crying over everyone’s beautiful edits, and getting to know so many different individuals on here ♡ I’ve actually met two amazing IRL friends through tumblr, reconnected a friend through tumblr/anime and that is absolutely crazy to me because they are some of the closest friends I know in person today.

┈ One of the last few things I want to mention here before I wrap it up. I’ve been talking to some friends on my twitter accounts and I have decided that I am not going to permanently delete my tumblr blog! I’m just going on an indefinite hiatus on tumblr. I have a feeling that I will hopefully come back in the near future! I love seeing fanart, and everyone’s edits for anime so much I'm not sure if I will be gone forever. That being said, I will no longer be updating my queue, and edits will no longer be posted as of now for this indefinite hiatus period. I’m not sure how long i’ll be away. But one thing for sure is my love for anime & how I loved to share these feelings with this community! I hope you can all understand.

┈ Thank you to each and everyone for showing me so much love and support these past three years (this is so cliche and sounds like a sports anime HAHA), i’m so thankful for all the wonderful experiences i’ve been through (good and bad) and what mainly kept me going for so long was all the amazing people I have met on here. I know I have drifted by disconnecting from tumblr, but I want you all to know that I would 100% still love to talk and connect on twitter if anyone wants to :) I’ll be retweeting this quite a few times. I almost forgot to mention but feel free to unfollow if you would like. I won’t take it to heart, I know a lot of people like to keep their following lists clean~ My tumblr will still be here as an archive for all the edits i’ve made. Thanks for understanding and taking the time to read this, have a nice day everyone!

#personal #long post #I'M BACK ;___; but sadly not for the reason I thought I would be back for #I tried to make this as short as possible but I have so much to say #I know I had a lot of explaining to do #I hope I didn't miss anything #this took me hours to right I am so indecisive #I HOPE I didn't forget anything #I turned 20 today too! haha #I miss everyone a lot :(

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kylorenpunk · 6 years

Note

Do them all. Suffer as I did 😂

Bitch I told you this was our friendship. We force each other to answer all the questions.

1. selfie

Well… I wasn’t dubbed Selfie Queen for nothing…

This one is interesting bc I have zero makeup on. The most recent ones are too blurry. A lot of my fav selfies are full faces of makeup tho.

2. what would you name your future kids?

I feel like that’s a decision for both parents but I really like the names Felicity, Isabella and Dimitri. Yes, all of them are names from various franchises I enjoyed throughout the years. Be glad I’m out of my phase where I thought Vladimir was a good name.

3. do you miss anyone?

I miss all my friends I don’t get to see frequently. Love all of y’all and hope y’all are doing well in life!

4. what are you looking forward to?

Fucking graduating. Jesus Christ it’s taken me five damn years.

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

From my club it’s Chris, Yara and Josephine. Also my entire friend group from back home. Honestly I love my friends so much.

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

I feel like every situation is different so that’s a tough question to answer.

7. what was your life like last year?

I honestly don’t remember much from December of last year. It was a good time though.

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

I’m an emotional bitch. I’ll cry over anything. I cried over fucking Mulan the other day.

9. who did you last see in person?

My parents and brother. Earlier in the day my club.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

I’m shit at it. My face gives away everything. The other day my professor was going into her inspiration porn narrative and I just gave her a cold dead look the entire time.

11. are you listening to music right now?

No but I have the Hamilton soundtrack stuck in my head right now since that’s what I was last listening to. If you haven’t heard it I highly suggest it. Man I wanna see it so badly.

12. what is something you want right now?

Sleep but I’m trying not to throw off my sleep schedule right now and am waiting a bit before going to bed. I only got three hours of sleep last night so that’s fun.

13. how do you feel right now?

Kinda tired. Relieved that I got two service projects in a row done today. It’s been a long weekend.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

My friend Sebastian hugged me when I dropped him off. I guess that counts.

15. personality description

I’m a makeup loving nerd who enjoys sitting in pajamas watching anime and superheros as much as she enjoys swatching EVERY lipstick in Sephora. According to my friends I can’t go 5 seconds without mentioning how old I feel and my love for Dungeons and Dragons. I’m also an asshole. (Wow this sounds like a 12 year old writing this)

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Yeah tons of times. It’s bitten me in the ass. Oh well live and learn I guess?

17. opinion on insecurities.

Everyone has them? If they say they don’t then they are lying. Mine is mainly related to my appearance or how I speak.

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago?

I miss how things were in the beginning of this year. It started off strong then kinda turned into a shit show.

19. have you ever been to New York?

No but it’s my top thing on my bucket list. My friends and I are highly considering a trip.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

Of all time: Get Low by Lil Jon

Currently: “Told You So” by Little Mix (If you haven’t heard their new album I highly suggest it if you love girl groups that preach women empowerment)

21. age and birthday?

22 - June 21st (She’s a Cancer)

22. description of crush.

I don’t have a hardcore crush right now. More like 5 second crushes that are over the second they do something I don’t like.

Edit: Currently “celebrity?” crush is Nathan Sharp. I am seriously considering dropping $55 to see him at a convention this month.

23. fear(s)

Heights, something terrible happening to my loved ones, wild snakes, and the usual common anxiety fears

24. height

Five foot three inches. I’m short. Yes I know it’s not that short but tall people like to put me in the short category anyway.

25. role model

My mom’s coworker who was my internship supervisor. She has a doctorate’s in what I want to do and is amazing at what she does. The amount of knowledge and experience that women has is incredible. She is also extremely funny and knows how to teach with a sense of humor which I appreciate.

26. idol(s)

Celebrity idols? I don’t really idolize celebrities bc humans are humans and have flaws.

27. things i hate

Immaturity, intolerance of differences, demeaning slurs, The Last Jedi, and the new Fantastic Beasts movie

28. i’ll love you if…

Play with my hair, are kind to my friends and family, share common interests, show an interest in what I have to say, basically respect me and those close to me and we’re good

29. favourite film(s)

Hairspray, High School Musical, The Greatest Showman, Stardust, The Harry Potter series, Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy

30. favourite tv show(s)

Jane the Virgin, Naruto (fuck off I hate myself too ok), the first three seasons of Arrow before it turned to shit

31. 3 random facts

I’m not artistically talented but I genuinely enjoy makeup and creating looks

I have a nonverbal brother with autism and he’s my favorite person ever

I completely programmed my brother’s communication device by myself

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Now my friends are mainly girls but when I lived in Tampa 90% of my friends over there were guys (Hi Mason). I’m going to say that’s bc of us all playing video games in the Delta lounge (RIP Dirty D). But yeah now it’s mainly girls and 80% of my dude friends are gay.

33. something you want to learn

Sign Language. Ice skating. Hairstyling. Fashion (I’m trying to be better about putting clothes together). Also I’m down to learn more about makeup and techniques

34. most embarrassing moment

Either farting while doing an air guitar in front of my entire girl scout troop

or signing to my friend that I liked her friend at a party and his brother repeated what I had signed out loud in front of everyone

wait. No. When I F U C K E D up in front a super hot guy while volunteering and then chose an 18 year old jock as my wingman. 18 year olds are dumbasses. Don’t use them as wingmen. Fuck you Khaled.

35. favourite subject

In grade school I think it was English or History. It really all depended on the year.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

VISIT NEW YORK

Hike the Smokey Mountains

Visit Europe

37. favourite actor/actress

Chris Evans (especially when he is trying to fight orange president on twitter)

Also Mark Hamill is perfect

38. favourite comedian(s)

I don’t watch comedians often. I guess the Fluffy guy?

39. favourite sport(s)

The only time I give a shit about sports is when my university is undefeated or playing my first university in football. Or the soccer world cup if it’s on. However I appreciate the skill it takes to do a sport.

40. favourite memory

San Antonio. It was my first time traveling without family and it was the greatest time. It was such a cool city

41. relationship status

Single - I take my sweet ass time

42. favourite book(s)

Eragon (No, I haven’t finished the entire series. No, I don’t want spoilers bc I will do it eventually.)

43. favourite song ever

“Get Low” by Lil Jon

“Look Through My Eyes” by Phil Collins

44. age you get mistaken for

Last year I got mistaken twice in a row within an hour for a middle schooler. I was 21 at at that time. During my internship one of the parents asked me if I had any kids. I’m either mistaken as a parent or as a 13-15 year old. There is no in between.

45. how you found out about your idol

N/A since I don’t have an idol

46. what my last text message says

“lmao it’s alright” to Joey but the previous one is more funny “thankfully no one threw up this time” in regards to my friend’s party last night

47. turn ons

Well I aint about to talk about my sex life so let’s go with personality

Common interests such as superheros or anime, charismatic, easy to get along with, common goals in life, cares about their loved ones, has passion, and someone I can hold an intellectual conversation with

48. turn offs

rudeness, immaturity, inattentiveness, bad tempers, superiority complex, not being genuine, judging others, treating people like objects, and general lack of care for others or themselves

49. where i want to be right now

Back in the smokey mountains in a cabin watching movies and anime

50. favourite picture of your idol

N/A

51. starsign

She’s an emotional Cancer

52. something i’m talented at

Apparently I’m good with kids Makeup too I guess?

53. 5 things that make me happy

friends, family, nerdy shit, makeup and Kakashi

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

Some shit happened last night that has me worried for some friends but I’m sure they’ll figure it out

55. tumblr friends

A shit ton of y’all I know IRL. I won’t tag y’all bc that’s annoying af

Joey’s my only internet friend @earthschampion (answer my text bitch)

56. favourite food(s)

pasta, empanadas, crab rangoons, taziki sauce

57. favourite animal(s)

Meerkats and koala bears

58. description of my best friend

K @burnitstronger: realest damn friend you will ever have. Will tell you how it is and provide never ending love and support. Never understands my dumbass shenanigans but loves me anyway. Love you boo

J : Will also tell you how it is and forces you to watch Naruto and ruin your damn life. Will happily go with you to eat junk food after class. Will fight anyone who wrongs you and is def still plotting revenge on all my ex’s. Stans Loona

M: Will scream at you in Leo in a frightening but loving way. Has the best damn fashion sense I have ever seen. Is the friend that comes by when I need her to and brings a shit ton of snacks and love (J does this as well).

59. why i joined tumblr

I was bored on fourth of July in 2012 and my friends kept telling me that this website would be fun. Also the avengers “fandom” from back then

60. ask me anything you want

I would say I’m sorry Mason but I enjoy making all my friends suffer. Make sure to give him a follow bc he’s cool. @masonjar828

#ask #me #yikes this took a long ass time

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callhimarcher-blog · 6 years

Text

Hi.

I’m finally back after what, a year-long hiatus? Never intended for that to happen but there you go. Life up and down but I’m doing fine blah blah. That’s not what I’m here to post about.

I was just getting back into the icos fandom. I can’t say I ever really left it because I’ve been ghosting the tag ever so often, as well as anything new Ais and Santino post. I was actually just about to go on a reblog frenzy because I’m now really getting back into icos and I’ve been scrolling through several blogs and all the edits/discussions/etc are reawakening that thrill like nothing else.

And then this.

Listen. I read Ais’ post. I read Santino’s post. I’m still not entirely clear on what the heck’s going on and I’ll probably never have all the information for it. But I’ve been reading a lot and from what I DO understand, I’m going to make something very clear because apparently taking a stance is something people are pushed to do and if you want to cut off all ties from me after this, I can’t stop you. But just to go on the record:

I do. not. hate. Santino.

He and Ais created what is probably the best series I’ve ever read. It helped me, in more ways than I will ever reveal and I can never thank them enough for that. If he doesn’t continue 180, I will be heartbroken. If he and Ais discontinue icos, I will be heartbroken. I understand that this is stressful for Ais and confusing and I’m not pressuring her towards any which direction, because this is her life with one of her friends and absolutely none of my business.

Because I don’t believe everything the haters are saying. When dealing with facts online, I’ve learned it’s nearly impossible to fully fish out what’s true and not true. But one thing I’ve learned as an iron-clad fact is that we live in a society neck-deep in online community and interaction, a society who’s values are based on “guilty until proven innocent”. I’m not just saying that because of what’s going on now. You see it everywhere and it’s disgusting. That’s one reason why you never see anything IRL-related on my blog. It’s one reason why every social media I have is entirely 100% anonymous.

Finding out about this has not ruined icos for me. If it has, it’s only in the sense of the now very real fear that anything with ICoS is officially ended. And that is downright devastating to me.

So @thatdudesantino if you’re reading this, know that you still have a supporter in me. Both you and @ais-n do. I don’t know either of you personally, and I guess that’s part of my point too. I don’t know any of the secrets in the closet of anyone in this fandom, and I certainly don’t believe any one person in this fandom is a perfectly decent human being. I know I’m not. Yes, it’s disappointing to hear about something like this but it’s not like I put him or anyone else on a pedestal. I only knew him by the name Santino and the very few facts he revealed about himself. And I didn’t care about anything else. I still don’t care to be honest.

Frankly, I just glad that he’s alive. I’m not kidding. We haven’t heard from him in so long then suddenly I start hearing that something bad happened with Santino and Ais certainly wasn’t happy, I legitimately feared that he was dead. So maybe what happened seems less severe to me in light of that relief he isn’t, I don’t know. That, or that he disappeared off the face of the earth. Which still might happen now, but I hope it doesn’t. Because I want to continue reading his work. Again, I still don’t fully understand what’s going on so that may be blindsiding me, but despite his mistakes, his wrongdoings, whether they’re forgivable or not, he is still an amazingly talented writer and I love his writing. Because again, haters make me roll my eyes more often than not. I just can’t believe everything they say, maybe because I stopped believing it so long ago. All this has really done is remind me of the disgust I have for the online world and put me in a bad mood.

I don’t know Santino, no less than how I don’t know Ais. I don’t know what all happened in the past, what he did, what he went through or is dealing with right now. I don’t know what’s all true and what’s not and frankly I don’t give a shit. I love icos, I’m absolutely in love with the world and characters they created. And if Santino’s a shit human being who wrote the series, then he did a good job writing it as a shit human being. I do have more to say about this and what Santino said, but this post would be too long.

@lomaschingon I did get your message and thanks for checking in even though it’s been months. If there’s anyone left in this fandom who hasn’t jumped ship, I would love to continue loving this series with you. If there is no one left if this fandom, I guess that means one final log off and a long cry.

#icos #in the company of shadows #mac50 #lost my scope #subone #plz don't see this post as a sudden rampart return to the fandom on my part #i can't promise returning like i did before #not yet #things are happening and there's no guarantee i'll have time #i'm doing great and all #i'm just not making any promises #so if i'm absent again i'm apologizing now long in advance #rampant*...honestly #oh and i won't be posting any more about this #this is an icos blog #and if you recall the only thing i've ever posted related to the authors were their asks or posts directly related to icos #it's going to stay that way #this isn't a blog about real people or drama or allegations that are certainly making me roll my eyes

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b00bstone · 7 years

Note

"Talk to me" all the odd #'s pls!

are you the same person that asked about the evens on that other ask? this is long so im putting in a read more

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

i dont have one?

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

oh. well. um. i still know them. altho those feelings have subsided quite a lot. theyre confusing af… like when my feelings were the worst they kept giving all these mixed signals. and uuuggghhh. but yeah other than being confusing and dumb at times (all people are) theyre nice. and theyve been there for me through a lot of shit. even tho they didnt have to be. theyre taller than me. theyre chill. and a good friend.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

i think it was my 5th birthday. all my other birthdays that i can remember have been a bit dissapointing. my family and my then bestie smelly bellys family went to a park near our houses. and had food. and the thing i remember most was smelly and i were throwing around this weird rubber band thing? and the weather was really great. i mean its california and july…

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

im insecure about my intelligence and worth. like im dumb af. i always have been. and being smart is kinda held in high esteem…. and im also really insecure about the fact ive never kissed anyone. or dated anyone. or ever gotten asked out on a date.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

i like the color my eyes are in the sunlight. sometimes my eyebrows look AMAZING (not today tho :/) and i love it when that happens. my hair sometimes gets a lil curly. i have a nice butt. imo anyway. and i rather like my boobs.

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

i dunno? i had a dream once where the person i was crushing on at the time told me they missed me over and over. and that was nice.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time

i imagine it will be very awkward. but hopefully fun. mostly awkward tho. i hope it feels good. for both of us (whoever the other person is). ive always imagined it would be with someone i really really trust or a one night stand. altho with the way my life is going ill probably never have sex.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

i dunno. i havent felt content in quite a while so…

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

i dunno. i dont really know any one irl that i wanna be friends with that im not. i mean i wanna be friends with thomas sanders but i dont know him at all

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

i was an annoying bitch. also me and my friend smelly had a bit of a falling out. that happens in middle school tho lmao.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

for like a date? thats never happened.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

okay. so i hope they never read this because i hope theyve forgotten about it. but the first time i ever asked someone out was last fall. i know i know im nearly 18 and it wasnt till last year that i asked someone out? so anyway. our mutual friend monkey was like trying to convince me to ask them out for like 6 months before i did. the person in question had gone through a breakup and monkey wanted them to move on already i guess i dunno. and so like i knew they didnt like me. but then there was this thing and so i was like wiat do they? so i asked them about it. and they were like “no i dont like you” and i was like okay then wtf was all that?!?! and they were like well i guess i didnt realize i liked u and i was like okay???? so would u be willing to date and they were like no not really but they seemed really vagu about it so i was like so wait is that a yes willing to date or no???? it was a no. but anyway monkey continued to bug me to ask them out. so i, being the bumbling baffoon that i am asked them hypothetically if they would date me. they said yes. even tho i expected them to say no. then while i was freaking out about that and trying to think of what to do next they said no. which made me a little upset because if ur gonna say no u should just say it in the first place (dont mess with peoples feelings kids its rude). and so then i got upset and said some mean things and yeah. we went back to being friends.and if they do read this. im sorry dude. really really really sorry.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

well smelly is an ex bestie. smelly and i are still friends but not like best friends. shes chill. when we were super close it wasnt exactly a healthy relationship. she was a bit of a bully. i was selfish and went back on my word all the time. but like shes super chill now. she gets in trouble with her mom a lot tho which sucks.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

ummmmm im afraid that this is gonna come out sounding like i have a crush on them but i dont. no realy feelings for anyone at the mo. i like pretty all my friends’ hair and eyes. i especially like heathers hair and adis eyes.

29: Talk about what turns you on.

confidence. like in the new thor movie trailers theres that woman who breaks his hammer like that kinda confidence where u and everyone in the rooom knows ur the biggest baddest thing around like damn son.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

it depends on how u die? i mean besides the whole pain thing i think its kinda peaceful. u know u get that feeling of complete and utter contentment and just kinda fade away. i dont know what happens next. but i think thats what the end of dying and beginning of being dead is like.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

cry. watch funny things. get on tumblr. try and make myself more miserable. and if it gets to a really bad point ill try and talk to someone about stuff. but i mainly just try and cheer myself up or emotionally wound myself.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

i wish i could stop being so afraid if everything. i wish i could stop falling for people that dont and never will fall for me. i wish i could stop being depressed. and easily stressed.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

ive already mentioned them twice. i think thats enough times for one post. but they like superheros. a lot. like the amount of enthusiasm you would expect from a 5 year old. it can be adorable. except when ur tired and just want everyone to leave u alone and never speak to u again.they dont like rhe beach. which is something i just cant understand at all. how do u not like the beach! they have kind eyes. and i honestly have no idea how i had such strong feelings for them. theres nothing wrong with them and theyre a really cool person that almost anyone would be lucky to have but like i just like u look at someone through a different lense and its just different. itd be like me trying to imagine having feelings for adi or heather. its just weird. theyre going away to college next fall. which im kinda bummed about but thats mostly because im not going to college this fall except community college. they wanna do something with art orfilms i think. he pronounces my name wrong. sometimes. but sometimes he prnounces it right. we are friends on fb. it says right there on my proflie how to pronounce it. we have talked and i have told him my name. like its not that hard! its like the thing that pisses me off the second most of things he does/has done.

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

to do well in higher grades u need to understand stuff u learn n elementary and middle school really well. thats all that i can think of thats not really sad and depressing at the mo.

thanks for asking me all these questions anon! ily

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anonijus · 7 years

Text

I want out.

Out of the Matrix. Out of myself. I don't want to be tracked all the time. I don't want a profile being compiled of everything I buy, everywhere I go, every website I visit...

So I get a new laptop. One not connected to my name. I buy it in a different city. But then does that mean I can only use it in the city I bought it? I bring it back to my home city. I want to go online at one of my favorite cafes, but I realize that would make it easier to deduce whose laptop it is. Especially with how often I use it. I start to mix it up. I frequent cafes I've never been to. I spend more time in cities I would never want to be in. Yeah, that'll throw them off...

I never make a new account with my real name. Pseudonyms only. I never refer to accounts I've used before. I never log back in to Facebook. I tread lightly when it comes to looking up stuff I used to look up so it's not too obvious who I am, based on what types of searches I make. Then, one day, I make a mistake... Damn! I just visited a part of a little known website that only I would go to. Or I searched for a hashtag that only I used before. Too obvious. Start over.

I get an old used laptop from a homeless homie. Not sure if that's secure enough, since he's not a stranger - there's still a breadcrumb trail back to me. Not really, though. What am I so worried about? That they'll corner him in an interrogation center to find out who he gave the laptop to? For what it's worth, our friendship is off the record. We were never friends on Facebook. He doesn't know my last name. It's hard to know what's irrationally paranoid and what's just rational paranoia in an age of totalitarian surveillance.

I can't risk making the same mistake again if I have to buy a new laptop every time, just to feel secure in my anonymity. I start looking into how I can better cover my tracks. I wipe the computer and install a secure Linux operating system. Not the most popular one, though... you never know when a big mainstream project could get infiltrated and compromised. Of course, all these precautions are pointless if everything I'm doing is still being tracked online. Even without making any new accounts to be tracked, all my browsing history is probably passing through the N$As servers. Even if it's not tied to my irl identity, they could still build a profile of all my pseudonyms and browsing history. A statistical analysis of what YouTube videos I'm watching could be enough to make an educated guess at who I am just based on my music tastes...

So I started using TOR-browser whenever possible, for almost all my browsing needs. Again, I avoid old accounts. All new accounts. All new pseudonyms. All new hashtags. Damn, it's like I have to erase my whole existence and start over every time I mess up. New projects. New websites. I forget what projects I was working on two identities ago. How long have I been doing this? How many people have I been? Am I getting anywhere? Isn't this fruitless run-around exactly what the N$A wants? I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels..

The more I learn about security, the less secure I feel. The more you know, the more you know you don't know. The TOR-browser is sweet, but it has been compromised in the past. But it's fine now, right? But it could always happen again... But it's pretty safe, it gets audited by third parties, right? But anything can be compromised, so how can I trust the audit? But no, I'm being too paranoid again. My digital footprint is so small... It's not like I'm running the next silk road. Besides, bit torrents are still going strong, despite the fact it's hard/impossible to avoid being tracked when you use them (as a function of how bit-torrent works).

I remind myself that all I really need to do is stick to best practices and forget about being perfect. I'm not doing anything illegal, anyways... TOR-browser on a secure Linux system should be enough...

But I can't help it, and I start to pick up superstitions from the Swarm. The government can open their own TOR exit nodes, and if they open enough of them, they can start to get a sense of who is doing what in the TOR network. Theoretically. So I start double-checking where my first three connection hops are. The rumor is that if all your TOR hops keep coming out of the USA then the network could be compromised. But that doesn't even make sense... you really think the same N$A who tramples on everyone's constitutional rights is going to be too inundated with legal beaurocracy to just open exit nodes out of foreign countries when they need to? You really think that's above and beyond their capacity? But that doesn't help, now I just feel less sure of my anonymity even if the connections aren't from the USA.

As I learn more about TOR, I realize my footprint isn't nearly as small as I thought. There are holes in my security everywhere. Since anyone can open an exit node, and your connection must go out an exit node any time you access a website that doesn't end in ".onion", I might be giving up my passwords every time I log in. Well, at least I'm using accounts that are relatively unrelated to my irl identity. These are mostly throwaway accounts, anyways. Then I learn about the potential of an attack using end-to-end statistical analysis of bandwidth. Although IP addresses and internet traffic are masked, you can see when someone is using TOR, and you can see how much bandwidth they use. Enough to deduce which TOR connection is connected to which websites if the bandwidth at both ends are closely monitored. (Again, ".onion" websites are safer because your connection won't go through an exit node, so there is no "other end" to match your bandwidth).

On top of it all, my MAC address is probably attached to everything I'm doing... TOR hides the internet traffic, but I bet the N$A still builds bandwidth profiles for every MAC address just in case they can connect the dots at a later date. (That's the address embedded in your hardware, the physical address).

At this point, I start to regret knowing so much about how these technologies work. I know plenty of people who continue to speak freely online, as if there were no surveillance at all. Of course, they also don't question the status quo as much, or as directly. My argument is usually that the surveillance could be influencing them on a subconscious level. It's not that they are so confident and enlightened that it doesn't bother them. Rather, they are simply unaware of the extent to which they are being silenced. But I have to admit, at times, I wonder how much more I could be getting done if I was naive to all of this.

Sometimes I even wonder if Edward Snowden was actually a part of this whole subconscious silencing agenda. A critical component of imposing this so-called chilling effect is to let people know they're being watched. Otherwise we could just continue organizing and resisting as if we weren't being watched. No wonder that news story managed to get paraded around mainstream media outlets, when so many bigger stories get completely censored out of existence. Perhaps it was all part of the plan to implement a panopticon-type of atmosphere where everyone watches themselves. (Note: whether Snowden played into this agenda on purpose or by accident is irrelevant.)

Finally, I start using Tails OS. Something tells me whonix/qubes would be even more secure, and less likely to get compromised, but I settled for Tails for now. It uses MAC spoofing by default, masking the MAC address with a fake MAC address. And the OS is hardened to the point that I don't have to worry so much about viruses and glitches on my own OS. Finally, I feel like I've got a decent setup. I use email addresses that I can access through a ".onion" website. I start frequenting more ".onion" websites to communicate with others, and recede even deeper into the world of the darkweb...

So then, with such a solid OS, I stop worrying about whether or not JavaScript is on... bad move! There's still so much more to uncover. For one thing, I realize that Tails is mostly funded by the government - which doesn't necessarily mean it has backdoors, because they use it themselves and wouldn't want to plant backdoors for their own enemies to use against them, but it is something to consider. Then I learned about "uxdt". Ultrasound-cross-device-tracking. Using ultrasound footprints in commercials and on websites, uxdt can be used to trigger smart phones to gather data about what commercials you've watched so they can continue bombarding you with the same ad on your smart phone. With JavaScript enabled in the TOR-browser, I risk coming across a website that triggers a smart phone to know what website I visited through TOR, which could be enough to backtrack through that TOR sessions activity and link it to me. Theoretically. So I start turning off JavaScript again, or at least turning off the sound on my computer... I hope that works...

My point is... in a world where anonymity was once the default for all Internet usage, these days it seems to be slipping away from me... Perhaps this Tumblr will be my final resting place, to hang my hat, and give up the chase. Not a place to be silent, but a place to speak my mind, despite the risk. A place for all my anonymous loose ends to synthesize into a single identity, for better or for worse. Not that I will quit my anonymous projects altogether, but that I will accept my fate that I may never perfect a completely decentralized, untrackable, unknowable online presence... Even now Skynet is no doubt scanning my words, and building a profile of this pseudonym, perhaps even using stylemetry to figure out my irl identity. But to remain entirely in the dark web doesn't seem like a particularly effective way to spread information and expand consciousness, either, because of the catch-22 that the very people who need to hear more about this kind of stuff are the ones who aren't on the darkweb.

In my lifetime, I've seen technology progress by leaps and bounds. But for whom? And to what end? Must Skynet come to fruition, despite all our warnings throughout the years? Must we settle for an identity-driven Matrix that most people silently long to escape? I remember when computers were new. I remember when my family got our first computer. And over the next couple decades, we went from owning our first computer, to living inside one. We've gone from getting our hands on these cool devices that give us more control to manipulate numbers, data, sound and video, to becoming controlled and manipulated ourselves as components of the machine.

But the original spirit of the Internet lives on. It lives on in me, and perhaps in you, as well. It lives on in the opensource movement. It lives on in whistleblowers and hackers who still manage to maintain some degree of anonymity, and it lives on in groups fighting for the right to internet freedom such as the EFF.

In the early days of the Internet, Anonymous arose quite naturally and organically as a wellspring of information. A channel for an ongoing global conversation about where our world is headed, and how we can shape it for the benefit of all of humanity. It gave people the truest expression of free speech this world has ever known. A chorus of whistle-blowers began, and the world started waking up. At the same time, people were given a break from their egos. We saw what we were capable of when we completely side-stepped our own self-concept, and spoke as a faceless genderless raceless ageless entity. In those days, there weren't even images online yet, and when images did arrive it took a while before anyone was willing to show their face. But now we seem to be moving into the era of "asl", and being shamed off of social media for not showing our faces. Facebook is slowly but surely implementing a "real names" policy and the clearnet more resembles an FBI look-book than an underground movement to unite humanity beyond the superficial personal identities.

But I have trouble believing that this is the direction we want the Internet to move in. It seems more like we're being swept up into a direction not of our own choosing. A chorus of egos, where truth is polluted by identity and self-concept, where personalities clash and conversations stall out, and people care more about who is talking rather than what is being said. I hate to say it, but the surface web is looking more and more like the real world.. a wasteland of bullies and fear, where information is willfully ignored or even violently silenced whenever it is convenient...

But here we all are. The children of Earth. Brothers and sisters of humanity, immediately and intimately hyperconnected through the Internet. It's up to all of Us how we decide to shape our world. So, tell me. What's it going to be?

#anonymous

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