#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since

[five-bi-five-mind]

so I am obsessed with your jj x readers fics, esp the top!jj and jealous!jj ones. so I have a request (if you take requests).

jj had Henry but she and Will didn't end up together because Will wasn't willing to sacrifice his career and neither was JJ but they used to spend a lot of time together for Henry. Fem!reader started working for the BAU when Henry is five, and JJ and Reader started sneaking around together. JJ is possessive of reader but they're both closeted, even though reader is now willing to go public. but then Will returned, wanting to be a family for Henry's sake and JJ agrees to give it a shot, breaking reader's heart. A month or so later, the BAU returned from a gruelling case and go to a bar to wind down. JJ and Reader haven't really spoken since things ended except for work purposes. But when JJ sees a guy flirt with and kiss reader at the bar, she grabs reader and takes her to the bathroom and becomes possessive....After, reader asks JJ what she wants because jj's behaviour is confusing and JJ says "You" (thank you)

Breaking Point

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Jennifer Jareau x fem!reader

Genre: Angst, Smut

Words: 11.7k+

Summary: JJ fell for you hard, but she wasn't good with feelings and she liked having control. Only problem was, she lost all of it any time you were around. Now, Will is trying to push her to restart a relationship and all she can do is push you away to handle all these complicated feelings.

Warning: rough sex, overstimulation, possessive sex, possessive!JJ, little bit of toxic!JJ, dubiously consensual kissing, double sided strap-on, multiple orgasms, vibrator, bottom!r, top!JJ, alcohol mention, biting... I think that about covers it.

A/N: I took a break but now we're so back and it feels good to be back. Hope y'all enjoy a JJ fic!!

(gif not mine, credit to luthqrs)

She had fallen first. You always joked that it was you who did and you were just waiting for her to stop being so wrapped up in her own head, but no. If only you knew how mistaken you were.

She most certainly had fallen first, and dare she say, she had also fallen harder. Not that any of that seems apparent to you now, or ever will at this point, if JJ were being honest with herself. But she would go to her grave denying any claim that you were the one to fall first or to love her harder.

See, she fell for you the moment she saw you. She might be practical, she might be calculated and calm and she prided herself in always weighing the risks versus the reward. JJ built her life around assessing every situation and making sure every single action she took, every choice she made, made sense for her future. But then her eyes fell upon you and all of that went out the window.

She replays that first day you came to the BAU in her head more times  than she could care to count. That day she met you, you were just starting as part of the team. She heard your laugh from the halls before she even saw your face. The feeling of your laugh ringing through her ears, washing over her entire being, she won’t ever forget. She didn’t understand why she felt the way that she did then, not until her eyes finally met yours, but that was hours later. 

Somehow, the two of you managed to miss properly introducing each other for most of that first day. You were off getting familiar with the BAU, catching up on who’s who and where’s what. She was wrapped up in a case close to home that seemed like it was all dead ends. It wasn’t until the end of that work day did she finally run into you. Literally.

With her hands full of files and her eyes glued to the words written in them, she kept walking until she smacked right into you. To her own defense, you were looking everywhere but up, trying to find the right room number to finally meet the elusive JJ in the first place. Neither of you were looking forward until your bodies collided and her papers started flying everywhere.

JJ was immediately mortified and frustrated and for a moment there was utter silence as you both looked down at the mess of papers around you. But then you looked up and laughed. It caught her off guard again, but she didn’t know why. Maybe it was that the feeling washed over her again. A feeling she rarely feels these days with her line of work. A feeling that something pure and happy was in her presence. It’s that sort of feeling that rubs off on people, but rarely does it grace the BAU halls. And then she looked up.

Your eyes sparkled as you laughed. “Well, that’s one way to make an introduction I guess,” you said to her between giggles. Without even knowing it, she was smiling back at you. She thought to ask if you were okay, but words were hard to get out. 

You scooped up all her papers and she just stood there, eyes wide, as you placed them back in her hands. When you told her your name and that it was nice to meet her, finally she found her voice again and said the same. 

The meeting might have been ordinary to you, but to her it was the first time in a long time that the world felt lighter. It was the moment that you walked out the door from your first day with the BAU that JJ swore to herself to make sure you never lost that light. This job could be monstrous, but you weren’t a field agent. She could shield you, she could protect you.

It was in that small moment that JJ fell in love, even if it took her weeks to realize what that feeling was. The need to protect you grew as she watched you wince from across the room each time new crime scene photos were presented for each new case. She remembered being like you, she literally was you. Now you’re the new communications liaison and you still had the same sick feeling she used to get when the horrors of the world were being highlighted page after page on the table in front of you. 

—----------------------------

It was only a few short months before the feelings JJ had for you boiled over. She’d like to say she was good at hiding them, and to an extent, she was, but she unfortunately had a breaking point. What she really regretted was how that breaking point came about and what actions it resulted in.

In JJ’s best efforts to shield you from a job that, in all reality, was impossible for someone to be shielded from at least some horrors, JJ had also somehow convinced you and a lot of people around you that she hated you. She would urge for you to not be put on certain cases, but that would come in the form of her– unintentionally –making it sound like you were not qualified or skilled enough to handle those cases. JJ didn’t think that in the slightest, though. She really thought you were better at the job of being a liaison than she ever was. But she also knew the path she took from being a liaison, to finding herself in danger in the field and not as prepared as she should’ve been at times. She couldn’t handle you following that same path, so she did what she could. 

The rumors that she hated you were also not helped by the fact that she absolutely froze up any time you tried to talk to her. She had no idea what this magnetic pull was that she felt any time you were near. She thought about you when you were around and even more when you weren’t. JJ knew she should’ve actually tried to have more conversations with you, squash the rumors that she hated you finally, but any time she tried to get closer to you the pull got stronger. And then by the time you did approach her, her mind was so wrapped up in the feeling that she just couldn’t think to get any words out. Everything about you confused her. 

What made matters worse, however, was that JJ found herself always near you even when it wasn’t by her own choice. In the office, she was always nearby to make sure you didn’t walk into a wall, since you had this annoyingly charming habit of reading files and walking at the same time. Or, JJ always noticed you had a knack for getting up any time the jet had turbulence and she would often shoot up and catch you before you fell. Anytime that happened, JJ would feel like her skin was on fire wherever your delicate hands would steady themselves on her strong arms. It always made her stomach twist in a way that felt similar to when she used to have a fear of flying, only the feeling would stick with her when they landed and then hours after. 

While JJ savored these moments without really knowing why, it came across quite differently for you. JJ’s eyes would always harden anytime she stepped back once you regained your footing and she wouldn’t stop staring at you. To everyone around the both of you, it looked like she was glaring. In reality, JJ was just trying to figure it all out. But as more and more time went by, she was starting to piece everything together.

Feelings weren’t something JJ was good at, but she couldn’t deny that they were building within her. She had decided maybe she should ignore them. If she stuffed them down long enough she could either get used to living with the feeling or they’d go away. At least that’s what she told herself, but then there was a day that your time overlapped with that one intern… The one with the rich dad and the shit eating grin. 

JJ was in the absolute worst mood and he was just making it worse. He usually flirted with the other interns and she didn’t care about that but today, she guessed he was going for a different target. And any time JJ heard his obnoxious voice flow through the halls, calling your name for you to slow down so he could catch up, asking you a useless question, it just made things worse. She snapped three pencils that day and it wasn’t even noon yet then. 

When he finally came to her office to ask if she needed anything, she thought asking him for a big coffee order for the office, but for specific coffee across town would solve her problems at least temporarily. She just wanted him away from you; he kept getting too fucking close. And she told herself this wasn’t about jealousy, it wasn’t because she wanted you and couldn’t have you, it was because he was going through interns like they were nothing and she didn’t want to see him treat you like that too. Except, her plan to get you away from him backfired in the worst possible way. 

She didn’t think he would have the guts to ask you to join him in assisting, and she didn’t think you would use your lunch break to assist. But of course you did, because you’re kind and he played it up, acting like he could use all the help he could get. That just soured JJ’s mood even more.

It took over an hour for you to return with that guy too and the whole time JJ kept picturing the worst. How he might be driving with his hand on your thigh, when it should be hers. How he could be making you laugh and smile when JJ just wants to be the reason you do that just once more for her. How he could be asking you on a date and she wouldn’t be there to somehow interject and make sure that never happens in a million years.

She wouldn’t ever know if her first two worries happened to have come true, but to her utter horror the last one did. As he brought back the coffee, handing it out to all the team, he turned and gave you that same scheming grin and said the words that JJ absolutely did not want to here. “So, that’s a yes for Friday night?” 

It wasn’t said to the room, obviously. It was said to you as you stood next to him and sorted out the pastry orders for the rest of the team. You just looked back at him and gave him a small smile and a brief nod. You didn’t have to say anything for JJ to know her worst nightmare was confirmed, and yet she couldn’t stop herself from asking her own question as she stood in front of you and waited for the items she requested. 

“What’s friday?” It sounded just as angry as JJ felt. But what didn’t help the situation was the way you flinched at her tone and how your eyes widened in fear. 

“Oh– uh…” you stuttered, your eyes still looking at JJ with shock and confusion. “We’re just going for drinks, no big deal.” 

Why did JJ feel her stomach drop at the way your eyes moved from hers to then look down at the floor? JJ winced at her own actions, but it was like something else took over for her as your words began to sink in. “Can I see you in my office, (Y/N)?” Suddenly, she was on autopilot as the idea of you going out at night with him washed over her like molten lava. “Alone.” 

She caught the look you gave the intern and the look he gave back, and JJ’s rampant jealousy flared, but to her relief you just nodded.

She didn’t wait for you to start moving before she turned on her heel and started striding to her office. When JJ reached the office she held the door for you and you walked in on shaky legs. She would’ve felt guilty at how nervous she was making you, but right now she could care less. She needed to squash these plans, no matter what. She had no idea how, but right now logic was out the window. 

“Listen, I know that dating is frowned upon in the office but it’s not a–”

“You’re right,” JJ cut you off mid sentence, closing the door behind you with a slam. “So why are you announcing to the whole office that you intend to do it anyways?”

“L-look I’m sorry,” you were panicking as you looked back at JJ, still standing between you and the door with her arms crossed. “But it’s not a date. We’re going out for drinks. That is all, nothing the team doesn’t do regularly.”

“It’s completely different,” JJ snapped back. 

“How so?” You were just confused if you were being honest. Not mad at the reaction of your colleague, but utterly lost to why it seemed like JJ was so angry from this that she was visibly shaking.

“Because he wants to sleep with you!” JJ knew she was breaking some sort of rules with HR with that outburst but she could care less. Her nails were digging into her own arms as she stood, fuming in front of you.

“That–” You honestly couldn’t think of a comeback. You were so shocked by her outburst that your mind was racing too fast for you to keep up. “Why do you care?” It was all you could manage to ask. 

“Why do you want to?” JJ really needed to stop at this point, but her blood was boiling and her skin was on fire and she kept taking steps until she was in your personal space and had backed you up against her own desk.

“It’s not against the rules, it’s just frowned upon, but I won’t lose my job for it. I’m allowed to get a drink with him.” You were trying to rationalize something that you didn’t even want to do. It was just drinks, and he was nice, you didn’t want to date him you just wanted to have a good time with someone for a few hours until you had to go home to an empty apartment, was that so wrong? 

“It’s not okay.” JJ was breathing hard and she was standing so close to you that you could practically feel her body against yours.

“Why?” You were getting frustrated. Your brain was working fast, trying to figure out what the hell was going on here.

The simple “why” was something JJ couldn’t answer. She didn’t have an angry remark, she didn’t have anything smart to say. Her heart was beating so fast she could hear it pounding in her ears and all she could manage was a frustrated, “It just fucking isn’t!”

“Does this have to do with the team or is this just your problem, JJ?” You were finally pushing back, but you still remained still. The confusion was irritating and her bad attitude was starting to rub off on you. The way her adrenaline was pumping, her aggressive reaction, it was all seeping into you and suddenly your scared demeanor flipped. “You’ve had a problem with me since day one! What is it? You’re trying to push me out right? I can’t even make friends with the intern, is that it? If you want me out of this team so badly, I can just go because obviously this isn’t working out! Not when every single little thing I do pisses you off so badly. I don’t know what I even did you, but I’ve had it with–”

And just like that JJ snapped. All control went out the window. You were mid angry rant but the thought of you leaving the BAU scared her just as much and her resolve crumbled. 

Her lips smashed against yours with such a force that you had to brace yourself on her desk until your knuckles turned white. Her kiss was brutal, it was angry, it was passionate and the way she had finally released her own arms to grip your chin had you grunt against her lips. Your eyes were wide for a moment as her lips pressed harder against yours, moving in a way so yours parted enough for her tongue to graze yours. And when it did you couldn’t help the way your eyes slipped shut and a slight shiver ran through your body. One of her hands was still gripping your chin tight, but the other had snaked its way down and around your waist so you didn’t have to steady yourself so hard on her desk. This also meant her full body was pressed up against yours and you were surprised by how much heat you felt as she leaned into you. You were also surprised by how much your own body melted into hers as she let out a groan against your own lips. It wasn’t until you heard that groan that you realized, you had been kissing her back. You had maybe resisted for a moment, but at some point your hands weren’t on the desk but in her hair, your lips had parted more, and you had let her tongue run against yours in a hungry frenzy. 

But then reality sunk in for a moment and, since you no longer needed the support to stay up right since you were now seated on her desk, you removed your hands from her hair and moved them to her chest to shoved hard. Surprisingly hard for someone who had maybe a fraction of JJ’s strength.

She stumbled back, her eyes wide and her lips red and wet from the force and messiness of the kiss she didn’t mean to give. There was a pause, a silence that hung over the room as you both just stared at each other. 

JJ was trying to think of excuses, of reasons for why the hell she would force herself on you like that. She was so angry she didn’t think and now she was angry at herself for doing something so out of character.

But then you took a deep breath and JJ’s eyes flew from the floor back up to meet your own. “So…” you cleared your throat as you struggled to find the words you wanted to use. “I guess that explains some things.” 

And then you laughed, a real, genuine laugh, and JJ’s whole body relaxed. 

—----------------------------------------------------------

Obviously, you did not go out for drinks with the intern. Instead, you and JJ had a talk and JJ had essentially poured her guts out to you and you had told her that you felt the same exact pull she was feeling. The only difference was, you actually knew how to handle your feelings, but with how JJ had been acting, you had convinced yourself that it was very much one sided. 

Clearly it wasn’t, and after that moment in the office you had decided to try to follow your feelings with her, albeit slowly and without announcing it to the team for at least a good while. Keeping it a secret from the team was working out well, but the taking things slow part went out the window basically the same night as your first kiss. 

JJ had the idea of talking alone, just the two of you at her place. That very quickly ended in her taking you right then and there on her couch for the first time. You should’ve been embarrassed you couldn’t even make it to her bed, but the way she kissed you like she was trying to savor every single inch of you, you never stood a chance at resisting her. 

After that, well, the two of you were goners. Sneaking office kisses– and sometimes even more… whenever you’d get the chance. She insisted on being secretive and careful for numerous reasons, and you were okay with that as long as it meant JJ was all yours. 

After six months of sneaking around had gone by, you did, however, reveal your secret to her child. It was entirely by accident and all due to the ex of hers that you never liked, nor trusted. 

You both had been in bed, wrapped around each other the way you both would every single night since you exchanged “I love yous” three months prior. This time, luckily, you were both clothed. Both of you were tired from a case and just wanted to fall asleep in the safety of each other’s arms. 

But then, early in the morning, an excited blonde head peaked through the door and that peaceful sleep you were once in was rudely awakened. It felt like someone drenched you in frigid water, the way JJ’s eyes snapped open and met yours in terror before snapping to the child bounding for the bed. 

She jumped up with record speed and met him before he could jump in. “Henry, h-hi buddy. What are you doing here? Where’s your dad?”

Before she could even answer she heard his voice call from further in the house. “Hey, we just let ourselves in!” You really hated that he had his own key, but knew as they were co-parents it was necessary. Plus, that’s not what was on your mind right now. Now, you were also standing out of bed and just looking around the room helplessly as if hiding would solve anything. 

“Mommy, you had a sleepover?” His innocent question felt like a shot to the heart. You both froze. JJ had a forced smile on her face that she directed toward her son but you couldn’t bring yourself to fix your expression. It was one of utter shock and horror. 

You had met Henry, even spent plenty of time with him in the last six months. JJ would just say you’re a good friend and he happily accepted that. In all honesty, he adored you and you felt the same for him, each time you saw him it felt more like you were becoming a family, even if he was totally oblivious to that feeling. But the two of you hadn’t talked about actually telling him what you were, you never wanted to push it with JJ. 

“Uh…” JJ laughed nervously, her eyes shooting between him and you. “Yeah, buddy.”

She was trying hard to think of some way to come up with an excuse for what you were doing in her bed. She knew he didn’t really need an answer, but she feared what he would say to his father, her ex, when Henry inevitably spilled the beans. 

“So,” you heard Will’s voice call from the hall. “We thought we’d surprise you, take you to breakfast!” 

His voice was getting closer and closer and you were frozen in place. There was no way for you to hide now, nowhere for you to run. 

“Sorry to wake you and all, doll,” his voice continued to get louder. “But the little guy just wanted to surprise you.” 

You could hear the creaks of his steps right around the corner. 

“So what do you say?” His voice was right by the doorway now. “Breakfast as a family sounds…”

He didn’t finish his sentence as he entered the doorway. his voice trailed off and his eyes were wide. He was looking between the child clinging to his ex and you, a person he’s met two or three in passing because of the job, standing two feet from the bed. A bed that was unmade and clearly slept in by both of you. 

“You have company.” His whole demeanor changed in an instance. His eyes hardened and his jaw set. “I didn’t know…”

He trailed off again and you heard the unspoken words. He didn’t know JJ was seeing other people. He didn’t know JJ was seeing a co-worker. He didn’t know JJ even liked women. They were all questions you could see swirling in his mind. 

“I’m just leaving,” you finally spoke up. Something told you, you didn’t want to be here for whatever discussion was about to happen. JJ looked over as soon as she heard your voice and gave you both an apologetic, but relieved look. 

You didn’t even gather your clothes. You grabbed your phone and keys, and left in your fuzzy pajamas. 

When you got back to your place you were a mess. Nothing could’ve prepared you for starting your morning like that. JJ sent a text maybe fifteen minutes after you got back home with a quick apology and a promise to talk later. 

But then you didn’t hear from her for hours after that. And hours more once the sun went down. And then suddenly the weekend went by and hours became days. JJ took time off of work and those days turned in to almost two weeks.

You were a mess. The team saw, but didn’t say anything. You just tried your best to do the job. 

For JJ’s part she was also a mess. She knew she needed to see you, to talk to you, to do what she never thought in a million years that she would ever do. That’s why she was ghosting you, so she could put off the pain that she knew was going to feel like ripping out her own heart and stomping all over it and yours in the process too. 

After that day, Will and her had argued. He had told her that he never expected her to move on to someone else. That he always expected she would come back to him once they both felt less married to their jobs. When JJ had said that, though, that was just her excuse to spare his feelings. Will had never made her happy, not in the way she was when she was with you. 

But his words still twisted in her gut like a knife. They spent hours screaming back and forth about everything until he finally took the low blow and used Henry as an excuse. He convinced JJ that when they were apart, Henry would be a mess that he couldn’t be with both his parents at once. 

If JJ was thinking logically, she would’ve seen through that lie since Henry not once mentioned that to her. But she was caught off guard and Will was pressing all the right buttons to make her guilt and anxiety rise, until finally she heard herself give in to him. 

She uttered four words to him and that was all it took to realize JJ had lost this battle. “I’ll break it off.” 

JJ wasn’t ready to accept the full weight of those words. It’s why she didn’t answer your calls or texts and why she took off work for over a week. In that time she didn’t see Will either though. After a few days he added into his arguing that they needed to try again and she adamantly disagreed. She tried to push alternatives, more time spent together with Henry, but not together in a romantic sense. He wasn’t happy about it, but agreed to take what he could get, always saying it was a “start” but JJ didn’t like what that implied. 

What made matters even worse was that she saw you before she was ready to face you and it all happened completely by accident. 

It was rounding on two weeks and JJ was running out of vacation time, so she knew she had to break the news to you soon, she just wasn’t ready for it to be that soon. 

Except, she had foolishly agreed to dinner with Will to discuss Henry away from the house. He convinced her that their son didn’t need to hear them argue and that they’d be more likely to keep their voices level in public. She really shouldn’t have agreed, but she did. And that’s how she found herself seated across from Will at a semi-nice restaurant for the evening. 

To add to everything else, when she realized you were there too, was the exact moment that Will reached out and put his hand over her own. She wasn’t even sure what he was saying, not when the rest of the world felt like it was frozen and crumbling around her all at the same time. 

There you were, about to be seated with Emily walking in behind you. The look in your eye told JJ she didn’t need to say any words to rip your heart out, you figured it out on your own all in that moment. To make matters worse, JJ would usually recoil from Will’s touch, but being so shocked to see you, she couldn’t move a single muscle. 

Your eyes switched between looking at her horrified face to Will’s smug one and then finally to the way his hand laid over hers. It made you sick. Emily stopped in her tracks behind you taking in the scene and no doubt understanding why your body language had changed. 

She had taken you out, guessing the relationship between you and JJ within seconds of it starting. She also knew there was trouble in paradise, so when Emily confirmed you hadn’t heard from JJ after over a week had gone by, she thought a nice dinner would help. At least it would get you out of the apartment. You had stopped leaving other than to go to work since that fateful day. 

Emily didn’t need to see your face to know it was filled with hurt. She put one hand on your shoulder and leaned close to whisper a simple “let’s go” in your ear. 

JJ watched, sick to her stomach, as you nodded and turned back around. All too late her brain fully processed what happened and she shot up from her seat as she watched Emily help put your coat on at the door. 

There was no conversation after that. You didn’t need one, you understood and you avoided her like the plague. 

————————-

Three months went by after that. The two of you only talked when you needed to. You spent more and more time laying in bed than you’d like to admit and JJ… Well, she fell into a pit of self loathing for how much you were hurting. 

Still she didn’t give into Will, despite what you and others might think. She would go along with his plan to spend more time together, but only platonically. And the only reason she agreed to that was because the days she spent at home without Henry were torture. She would stare at the phone and hope for you to call or for her to get the courage to call you, knowing she really could not do that after everything. 

If she wasn’t staring at the phone alone on her own, or ignoring her heartache by spending time with her son, she was busy staring at you any time you worked together. You felt her eyes burn into the back of your head and it always made your chest hurt. You tried your best to ignore it, to ignore her, but there was only so much you could do when she hovered.

Again, you were thinking about finding another job. The only thing was you had just gotten comfortable here. And really, Emily had been your rock through all of this. She had spent a lot of time listening to your heartbreak when you finally revealed what she already knew about the two of you. Emily had even offered to try to talk some sense into JJ, but that avoiding that she was extending to you had unfortunately also extended to the rest of the team. She couldn’t handle seeing any of them, especially if they were going to, undoubtedly, question her about her increased time with Will and what was going on with her intense mood. 

The closeness of you and Emily was starting to drive JJ crazy. She had a million questions ever since she saw her put a hand on your shoulder that fateful day. But she also fully recognized that she had absolutely no right to ask you any questions, and honestly she didn’t think she could handle hearing them for two reasons. One being that if Emily and you were romantically involved it would crush JJ even more, the other being that last time JJ got jealous, her control slipped and that’s what led her to this heartache in the first place.

So instead, JJ just watched and tried to see if she could figure out exactly what was going on. Of course, she told herself she also watched to protect you. Maybe she was a coward who fled from you, but she was still trying to keep some of the promise she made to herself about you since the first day she met you. She already let some of your light die, but she knew that was from how she had hurt you. Those wounds would heal, at least she thought so, but the way this job can leave an impression on a person really couldn’t. She just couldn’t have you getting hurt by anything else. 

Except, when she pushed for you to be away from a case, you started pushing even more strongly for that exact case that she so badly did not want you to have. It was like you were purposely putting her through hell. She had to worry about you and keep her distance for some of these cases, the only good thing was that with Emily close to you now, at least two capable agents could protect you. Anytime she saw Emily do exactly what she swore she would always do, protect you, comfort you from the horrors of a bad case, it would feel like JJ’s heart was ripping at the seams.

And then there was one case that was just too horrible that even JJ could barely stomach it. But you still insisted on heading over with the team. JJ watched with a grimace on her face as Emily sat by you on the jet, her hand on your arm, trying to coach you on what to expect and how to take precautions. JJ was fuming at her close proximity and the way Emily was gentle with you in a manner she didn’t think she had ever seen from the other agent.

It wasn’t at all what JJ thought, though. You didn’t mean to challenge JJ when you insisted on these cases. You just couldn’t stomach going home to your empty apartment so much anymore, not when the ache of losing JJ was getting even worse. So you clung to Emily, your new friend, your confidant. She was a small light in the darkness that was surrounding you both at work and in your own personal life. There was nothing romantic between you two, it was just like you clicked as fast friends and that’s what you really needed right now.

So when a hard case came up and Emily was assigned to it, you insisted on going too so you wouldn’t feel so alone. Every single time, you ignored the snide remarks JJ made when she didn’t get her way. And you definitely tried not to acknowledge the jealous glaring JJ would send your way any time Emily put her hand on you. Deep down, you knew exactly what JJ was thinking about when it came to your closeness with Emily and you hoped she thought it. In fact, you hoped it hurt her. At least then she would have a taste of the suffering she put you through each night you knew she would go home to Will. 

But with this last case, everything was just so much worse. 

Not only were you in a small town with a hotel that had limited availability– so of course, to JJ’s utter dismay, you shared a room with Emily– but you insisted on being way too close to where the danger was. JJ couldn’t help but think that you were so over her and into Emily that you couldn’t be separated for one goddamn second. It wasn’t like that though, if JJ was being logical, she would’ve known it was because you were determined to help in any way you could. 

Except, being closer to the case meant you were closer and closer to being the next victim of this unsub and it had JJ near her breaking point yet again. She hovered closer than ever, and you felt that from the way her fiery eyes would stare at you for hours on end as you and Emily worked closely together on how best to respond to the public while she was busy trying to find the killer.

And of course, the perfect storm came the moment both JJ and Emily took their eyes off you. You got attacked, you almost got shot, you could’ve died. JJ was tired of watching you walk into a hotel room with Emily right behind you and she had to ask. She couldn’t handle it anymore, she told herself if she just found out that you were at least happy with Emily then she would stop hovering, she would try to stop caring.

So she pulled Emily aside, for a moment– it was just a moment. But it was all it took for you to get snatched. JJ didn’t get to ask her question, she heard the struggle and her stomach dropped when she turned around and you weren’t there.

Then, of course, it was Emily who stayed calm. It was Emily who made the plan. It was Emily who found you, found the unsub, and rescued you from a fate JJ was always worried you’d meet. You were bruised and battered, but ultimately fine. JJ wanted to run to you, to hold you and comfort you and care for your wounds, but it was Emily who ran to you first. It was Emily who pulled you into her arms and squeezed you tight. And as JJ ran in behind her and saw the way she held onto you and you held onto her, her feet froze and she couldn’t bear to look at either of you. 

Seeing all of that, going through that case on the sidelines while you were almost lost forever, it was killing JJ. She couldn’t pretend she was okay without you anymore, she couldn’t pretend to be a happy family with Will either. She didn’t know what was happening between you and Emily, but she had to find out, and more than anything she had to see if she could get you to give her another chance.

Emily was her friend, and part of her felt guilty that if her assumptions were true she would essentially be trying to steal her best friend’s girlfriend, but you were hers first. JJ wanted you to be only hers always, and she was just now waking up to that realization.

—-----------------------------

As soon as you all returned from that case, JJ set the record straight with Will. She had long since realized that Henry didn’t really care to spend time with them together. If anything, JJ realized, Henry missed time with you. 

Will did not take it well, but JJ was prepared for that. She threatened court and full custody and he finally backed down. She had gotten him to agree to only see each other for drop offs with Henry and forced him to give her spare key back.

A week had gone by since that case, but the whole team was still feeling the exhaustion from it. When Penelope suggested everyone get drinks, JJ surprised herself by agreeing. But then again, she saw the way Emily approved of that idea and knew that if Emily was going, you would be there. JJ was determined to figure out what was happening between the two of you and watching the way you two were together at the bar would be an excellent clue before JJ finally got up the nerve– for the second time –to confront Emily and figure things out. 

When you all got to the bar, JJ noted how the two of you came in together. She wasn’t surprised, but it made her blood boil in a way that was familiar to when that intern got too close to you. 

You sat in a booth with Penelope and Morgan chatting away while Emily sat her stuff next to you and went to the bar for a couple of drinks. JJ sat at a table with Hotch and Reid, they were discussing something beyond her, but she couldn’t bother to listen. Her eyes were glued to you.

For the most part, you knew she was staring, but you had gotten really good at ignoring it the past few months. Except, this last week it had been worse. She would not only stare at you, but glare at Emily, her own friend. You knew, by the way your pulse sped up each time you caught the look JJ was wearing, that something had to give, you just didn’t know when. You especially didn’t think it would be on a night at the bar, with the entire team surrounding you. 

Three drinks in for you and Penelope suggested some dancing. You didn’t dance, Emily didn’t dance, but Penelope pulled the two of you up and out of the booth anyways. So then you found yourself dancing very close to Emily while Penelope was happily moving along with the music and Morgan right next to you. 

You had never been a good dancer though, so when you tripped on your own feet Emily’s arms flung out to catch you and you found yourself pressed against her. It all happened entirely too fast after that. 

There was a loud slam of a glass somewhere in the distance and then a hand roughly tugging your whole body back by the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a second?” JJ’s voice was louder than it needed to be, even over the music. Emily had backed up, her hands in the air as if JJ was armed and aiming for her. 

You didn’t even know when JJ had spun you around and away from Emily’s embrace. Your head turned to look at Emily and her face wasn’t even shocked. It was just expectant and unsurprised. She gave you a short nod, looking at you with soft eyes, but before you could even agree JJ pressed again.

“Do I need to ask for your permission to talk to (Y/N)?” 

“JJ!” You gasped at her harsh tone. She had never talked to Emily like that, she would never dare. But she’s also had a couple drinks and she was about done watching her best friend have her hands all over the girl of her dreams. 

“It’s not my decision,” Emily said, keeping a calm and level tone. 

“Excellent,” JJ hissed as her hand grabbed yours and tugged.

She had realized that meant it was up to you, but she didn’t give you a chance to agree. She needed to figure this out alone, right then and there, and in her anger she decided she needed to hear you say it. She needed you to admit that you were able to move on from her so quickly and with her closest friend no less. How could you even do something like that to her? JJ was seething. Yes, she knew it looked like she immediately moved on with Will before even actually properly breaking up with you, but she hadn’t! Aside from that moment where he touched her hand, JJ wouldn’t let him have any sort of physical contact with her after that. She loathed his touch, and she couldn’t imagine you’d be able to handle anyone else’s but hers. After all those nights of admitting to her that you were hers alone, she never thought you’d move on so quickly. But here you were, and to her, it looked like you were utterly wrapped up in Emily.

“JJ, what the actual fuck?” you were protesting as JJ was dragging you across the bar and towards the bathroom. She didn’t seem to care though, as she practically shoved you into the bathroom before stepping in and locking the door behind you.

“I didn’t say that I wanted to talk!” You took a step back from her.

“We need to,” JJ snapped back. She realized she was one to talk, considering the two of you never properly had a break up conversation. But at least now, you could have that or some sort of conversation. Whatever was going to happen, JJ knew it needed to be said.

“We could’ve done that any other time,” you began with your arms crossed over your chest. “It’s been months. And now, with everyone having seen your little outburst– Now, you want to talk to me?” 

“What’s going on between you and Emily?” Okay, so JJ was ignoring everything you said to her now. JJ knew this wasn’t the healthiest way to work out her feelings, but she couldn’t help it. This was driving her crazy, her control was slipping again. There was just something about you that made the resolve she worked on for your years go out the window.

“What?” You took another step back in surprise. JJ followed. “Nothing! Why do you care?” 

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” JJ pressed, taking another step into your personal space.

“Why. Do. You. Care.” You emphasized every word, getting more angry by the second. 

“It hasn’t been that long, (Y/N)!” JJ was still taking a step forward for every step back you took until your back hit the bathroom wall. “Now you’re fucking my friend?”

“So what if I am?” You threw your hands up in frustration. “I can fuck whoever I want! I can go home with a random stranger, I can go home with Emily, I can fuck anyone I want. You know why, JJ?” Your finger poked hard into her chest as you finally reached your own breaking point. “Because you’re fucking your ex and you didn’t even have the decency to break up with me!”

“So you are fucking Emily?”

“Jesus Christ, JJ!” You were yelling, you knew you were yelling, and you knew someone could hear you if they were too close to the bar bathroom. At this point you didn’t care. “NO! I am not, but you know what, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll go home with Emily tonight, maybe I’ll go home with a stranger. I don’t have to be alone just because you decided you don’t want to be with me anymore. And I think it’s time for me to finally, finally move on from you JJ. I’m not yours, I don’t belong to you, I can go fuck–” you practically spit out the word, “whoever the fuck I want.” 

JJ stopped for a second. An uncomfortable silence fell over you as you huffed in heavy breathes from your outburst and the rage boiling through your veins. You took a step forward trying to leave, but in that moment JJ took one too until you were forced to retreat, your back again pressed to the wall. This time she was right in your personal space, much like that first day that she kissed you.

“No you can’t,” JJ’s voice shook with anger as she spoke, but it wasn’t a yell. It was a low, daring tone that made your skin crawl. 

“What?” Your eyes were wide in shock that JJ, after your outburst, would still deny you your own freedom. “Yes, I ca–” 

You couldn’t finish your words, JJ was already on you. In fact, she was pressing her whole body so hard against yours, you barely had room to gasp. It couldn’t be heard anyway, not with the way her lips crushed into yours with blinding speed. 

It wasn’t going to be like the first time though, you weren’t going to give in that easy. You turned your head after a moment of her lips pressed to yours and took a deep breath before trying to protest.

“You’re with Will now!” You gasped out as you felt JJ’s lips meet your jaw line. 

“I never was,” she breathed against your skin. Your blood went cold at that, but you didn’t even have time to process before JJ’s hand snaked between the two of you and cupped your chin. With little effort, due to the shock of her words, she pulled your head back so your lips could meet hers again and all you could manage to do was let her kiss you. 

But some sense came back to you the moment you felt her teeth tug at your bottom lip. You pushed on her chest and tried to turn your head again, only able to mumble a weak, “I don’t understand…” against her lips. 

Her hold on your chin tightened, keeping you in place as she used her body weight to keep you still against the wall. “This has been torture,” JJ groaned against you. Her fingers clenched harder around your jaw as she dragged her lips across yours once again. “I can’t handle it anymore.” Her lips pressed firmly against yours this time and all you could do was whimper against her mouth. 

“I’m not with Will,” she continued to mumble breathlessly against your mouth. Your hands braced themselves on either side of her waist as she pressed you harder and harder against the wall. “You’re supposed to be mine,” she practically growled against your lips.

She was filling all your senses and your head was swimming. You were supposed to hate her, she left you. She hid you and then she got back with her ex, but here she was devouring your lips with her own. You weren’t supposed to swoon at the way she called you hers or melt when you felt her tongue dance against your own. But you couldn’t help it… she was all you ever wanted. 

Your body practically melted in her arms as her lips dragged themselves over yours before fully claiming your mouth in a searing kiss. The way her tongue swept over your lips until finally you parted yours had your head swimming. When you both heard and felt the groan that escaped her own mouth your whole body shuddered. You really shouldn’t be doing this, you knew that somewhere deep down in your mind. But every time her tongue ran against yours that thought got pushed back further and further until all that was left was just her. 

When one of her hands left from around your waist to tangle in your hair, you knew you were a goner. Her lips had left yours to attach themselves to your neck and you did nothing to stop it. The hand that had made its way to your hair was now tightened into a fist and she was pulling hard, making you tilt your head back so she could have more access to the most sensitive parts of your neck. All you could do was whine and squeeze your eyes shut as the overwhelming feeling of JJ’s tongue making its way down to your collarbone was driving you crazy. 

There was no way you were going to snap out of this. You knew that the aftermath of whatever was happening between the two of you in this moment would break you as soon as it was over, but you had missed her so much. If she was being driven crazy just because she saw you for two seconds with someone else, how did she think you felt? It was torture not having this with JJ anymore. You craved this. You needed it. 

But still there was that one voice. It was so small and distant now, but it was still telling you this was not a good idea. That you should push her away before this would hurt too much. JJ leaving you the first time had broken you and you’re barely putting the pieces back together. What happens if you break again? Will there be enough of you left to even salvage? 

It was the feeling of JJ’s teeth biting down hard into the most sensitive part of your neck that somehow finally broke you out of the trance you had fallen under. It was like someone dumped ice cold water on your system and your entire body went ridge. JJ was too focused on the feeling of having you in her arms and against her lips again to notice, though. 

She kept going, running her tongue over the angry red mark she had just left. Your hands were balled into fists again at either of her sides and if she noticed that you were trying to lean away from her, she didn’t seem to care.

“JJ, wait,” your voice was quiet and hoarse. If you could’ve you would’ve been more assertive, but your head was still swimming. Your hands pressed harder onto her sides, trying to keep her still while you pushed your own body away, but her grip was strong. One of her hands tightened in your hair and the other around your waist; the action made you wince. 

“Please, stop.” Your voice was a little louder now and you felt the reality of the last few moments settle in your stomach like a bowling ball. Thankfully, JJ finally took notice of this. Her body stilled and her head tilted back up with hooded, hungry eyes. For a split second you wanted to throw it all away, but that tiny voice had officially won.

“Why?” JJ was still holding onto you, but the hand in your hair had finally moved back to your waist. 

“JJ, I can’t handle this. I could barely handle sneaking around, I definitely can’t handle being your little secret again until you decide to leave and go play family. Or make me the other woman… or whatever is going on here.” 

“You’re not those things, you would never be those things.” JJ’s eyes said it all as she uttered that sentence. The pain in them had shown, but it just added to your confusion over this whole situation. You were torn between wanting to yell at her and comfort her all at the same time.

“Then what am I, JJ?” You needed to press this. She can’t just keep you from moving on, she can’t keep interjecting when someone shows slight interest. Either this all needed to stop for good or the both of you needed to finally figure things out. “What is it that you really want?”

“It’s…” JJ stood still, her hands still gripping your waist. The sound of the drip of the faucets nearby seemed deafening in the uncomfortable silence, but yet you waited. “You. I want you.” 

There was a pause and you took a deep, shaky breath to ground yourself. “What does that mean, JJ?” You whispered your question, afraid to get your hopes up. 

“That I want to do this for real. I’m done holding back,” JJ’s hand released you for a moment to brush hair from your face and tuck it behind your ear. “I’ll tell everyone, I’ll vow to never leave you again. I just can’t be without you anymore longer.” 

You searched her eyes for a moment and this time you could see the sincerity shining through them.

“Just tell me you’re mine,” JJ whispered as she pressed her forward to yours. “Just please, tell me you’re mine.” 

“I- I’m…” you took another deep breath, squeezing your eyes tight before tilting your head up so JJ would move hers down. “I’m yours,” you breathed with a soft kiss placed on her forehead. 

When JJ heard those words her hands moved once again to hold either side of your face, bringing your lips in for another searing kiss. But this time you were ready and you met her with as much passion. 

She kissed you like that for a while, her lips pressing completely against yours in a way that left you gasping for air against her mouth. After a moment JJ left your lips and kissed up your jaw. She made her way to your ear and leaned into you closer, her breath tickling as she took a moment to enjoy the way you were panting and shaking against her. “Can we get out of here?” JJ’s voice was filled with so much want as her teeth grazed your ear. You bit your lip to stop yourself from letting out an embarrassing whimper at the words you longed to hear once again, and nodded your response instead. 

——————- 

Getting into her place was messy. As soon as the Uber dropped you off, JJ’s lips, tongue, and teeth were all over you again. The way she was kissing you, you already knew you were a mess for her. 

As soon as she managed to get her front door open, she slammed it closed and then slammed you onto it, grinding her knee between your legs as she kissed you in a frenzy. At some point, the two of you had pulled off your shoes and she had scooped you up, still kissing you like crazy, as she walked the two of you to the bedroom. 

When she flung you onto the bed, with more excitement than grace, you didn’t even have time to react before she was on top of you, pulling at yours and her own clothes.

“Tonight,” JJ growled against lips, “you’re going to know that you belong to me alone, always.” You felt her hips roll against yours from where she had already gotten between your legs and you gasped at the sensation. 

“And you— you’re- oh god.” JJ’s teeth were sinking into your neck again and her hands already had your shirt and bra over your chest so her fingers could play with your nipples. It was making full sentences nearly impossible to get out. “Y-you’re mine.”

“All yours, princess,” JJ purred as her tongue and teeth moved down your neck and onto your chest. The second you felt her warm mouth close around your nipple, you couldn’t stop the pathetic whine that fell from your lips. You didn’t even notice that JJ had also managed to pull your shirt over your head, you were just so far gone in all the sensations she was giving you and she hadn’t even really started yet. 

JJ spent time paying attention to your breasts, alternating between your nipples with her lips and teeth while she continued to rock her thigh between your legs and encouraged you to grind on her. Things were building up fast too, you could feel yourself getting worked up and close to release, but you desperately wanted more. More of her touch, more of her hungry possessiveness, more of everything. 

It was like she read your mind though, because in an instant she was pulling away. You started to whine but then you felt her hands pull at your tight jeans and you were just relieved that it meant more direct contact with JJ where you needed her most. But then, once you were finally completely naked, JJ got off the bed. 

“Where are you going…” you trailed off as your eyes followed her to her night stand. You didn’t need an answer, as you watched her pull out a silk bag that outlined its contents quite obviously. JJ quickly removed the rest of her clothes before returning to the foot of the bed. 

“I got this a while ago for us,” JJ admitted as she pulled out what the bag was not-so-discreetly hiding. “But I was holding off on telling you, I was worried I would get too intense if we tried it, but…” JJ was back on the bed, kneeling between your legs, her hands on either of your knees. “I’m tired of holding back, aren’t you?”

You swallowed hard as your eyes zeroed in on what JJ’s hands were doing. With a pink, double-sided strap in her hands, she was spreading lube on both sides. You couldn’t help but notice how one side was quite larger than the other. 

“It vibrates by the way,” JJ’s wink was even visible in the dimly lit room. “Are you okay with this?”

You appreciated the check in, and yeah you were nervous for this, but you also had never wanted something more than this moment right now. “Yes,” you practically moaned the word in excited anticipation. 

“Good,” JJ gave you a smile more mischievous than you’ve ever seen it. And your eyes were still completely transfixed on the way her hands were lowering the toy down between her legs. “Let me just…” she trailed off as she took it inside herself and you watched in a trance as she shivered at the sensation. 

Then it was your turn. She readjusted your own legs, spreading you wider and you couldn’t help but feel yourself flush at how exposed you were. You also knew you were incredibly wet from her already. Even if she used lube, you didn’t think you needed it. Although, it was big, and the biggest you’ve ever taken before was just her three fingers… 

The toy lining up with your entrance is what woke you up from your thoughts and you gulped. JJ’s pupils were blown as she looked down at your naked body, your pussy dripping wet for her before she even entered you. And then, in a flash, she was all the way in. 

The way you both groaned at the sudden feeling spurred JJ on fast. She was immediately entranced by how good she felt while also being flush between your own thighs. “Doing okay?” JJ’s voice was strained, she was trying hard not to just start fucking you into the mattress. She needed the okay first. 

“Mm.. mhm,” was all you could manage, but you paired it with a nod. Your eyes were shut tight and you couldn’t stop yourself from rolling your own hips against JJ’s, desperate to feel her start moving. 

The toy was big, the way it stretched you out burned, but it was so fucking delicious in every way. Except, the moment you rolled your hips a second time that was all it took for JJ to break. She knew she wouldn’t be able to go slow with this toy, not when it felt good to actually feel you somewhat when you try to fuck yourself on the strap. She just didn’t know it would be this good. 

JJ’s grip on your legs tightened and she began to grind into you hard. Your head immediately fell back onto the bed when you felt JJ’s hips rock into your own. She was moving faster than you expected she would and it was all overwhelming. 

With the way JJ was moving, her whole body was now pressed against yours. Moans and desperate sighs came from above you and you couldn’t stop yourself from wrapping your arms around her neck and pulling her even tighter against you. Your hips moved in time with hers and the way you felt her shake in pleasure above you while you took every single pump of the toy into you was incredible. 

JJ’s hand came to your chin and she pulled your head back down until you were face to face, her body never slowing from the way it rutted into you. “Does it feel good?” JJ purred as she kept fucking into you with the strap, every pump pushing her end against the right spot for her. “Do you like what I’m doing to you, princess?” 

You moaned, your eyes squeezing shut tight as JJ pumped even harder in that moment. But JJ’s hand stayed on your chin, squeezing a little tighter than before. “Use your words,” she demanded as her thrusts got more powerful. 

“Yes!” You cried when JJ’s other hand moved to hook your own leg around her waist. “Fuck just— please just don’t stop.” 

“Good girl,” JJ groaned as she felt her own peak building. “Look at me.” 

It was a struggle to open your eyes but you did so just as JJ’s hand moved from your chin to your neck. “You’re mine,” JJ growled as she applied pressure. You groaned out a yes in agreement and JJ moaned as her hips continued to move frantically. 

“You’re mine,” she repeated, fucking into you with full force, “and you’re going to look at me when I make you cum.” Those words were what finally did it, you fell apart on her strap with a loud moan. Her hips never stopped their pace until finally you felt her whole body shudder above you. Her head fell into your neck and you felt the way she moaned and placed wet kisses to your bare skin. The way the orgasm hit JJ was just as powerful as yours and you both slowed for a moment. 

But that moment was short, because as JJ pressed her whole body weight on top of you, you felt her hips roll again and you whined at the sensitive sensation. 

“Shhh,” JJ soothed, “you’re going to give me one more.” 

“JJ I don’t know if-“ her hands were moving down your body, hoisting both your legs this time over her hips. You tried to finish your sentence but you couldn’t with the way she was slowly pumping the toy back into your already sensitive pussy. 

“We haven’t even tried all its features.” You didn’t comprehend what JJ meant until it was too late and she had you gasping in surprise. One of her hands had left your leg and moved down between the two of you. She had turned on the vibration and now, the pink, rather large strap on that was inside both of you was vibrating in a way that was causing your eyes to roll back into your head. 

“Oh my god,” you both said in unison, only your voice sounded like a garbled moan at the same time, while JJ just sounded breathlessly fascinated at the reaction it was pulling from you. 

“This is better than I ever dreamed it would be,” JJ purred as her hips restarted their rocking rhythm into you. The way the toy curved so the base of it hit JJ’s clit at the same time made her struggle with her staying steady and slow, but she knew you were sensitive and needed to be worked back up gently at first. 

With your legs hooked over her waist though, the strap was hitting even deeper than it had been when you first came and now that it was vibrating too, you swore you were seeing stars. 

“That’s it,” JJ whispered as she grabbed your hips and helped you fuck into her strap. “Keep moaning for me, baby, moan my name.” 

You didn’t even know you were doing that. You just couldn’t even control your body. All you could do was moan and whine as you let JJ fuck your into the mattress. 

Your whole body was shaking and JJ’s was too. Her pace was faster again and you knew it was a matter of time before you both came together again, but when JJ reached down and turned up the vibration you instantly fell apart in a show of moans and tears before she could cum with you. 

She didn’t stop there though, she didn’t even turn down the vibration as her hips started going harder. 

“J… JJ I can’t.” You were practically slurring your words, you could barely function with how many sensations were going on as JJ kept using your body to get herself off. 

“Shhh, one more baby one more,” JJ pleaded as she chased her own orgasm using your body. “I wanna cum again too.” 

You just nodded desperately, your eyes shut tight as JJ again pressed her naked body to yours and fucked the toy into the both of you. Her moans were getting louder and yours were matching as your nearly exhausted body was being brought to the edge for a third time. 

JJ hips were slamming hard into yours again, so hard you knew there would be bruises. And the grip she had on your hips was so tight you figured there would be nail marks left over too. But neither of you cared, because when JJ came on top of you again with a desperate moan you couldn’t help the cry that you let out as you felt your body release for a third time. 

And finally, finally after a brief moment, JJ moved to turn the vibration off. Your body jolted at the feeling of it finally stopping, but you couldn’t even pick up your own head to look as JJ slowly pulled the toy out from you and then her. 

“Holy shit,” JJ panted as she rolled off you and pulled your spent body to her chest. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you said breathlessly. 

“Good… we’ll give it five minutes and then I want to taste you.” 

“What?!” You perked up at that. Your body was still shaking and you knew your thighs were covered in your own cum. If you came one more time you didn’t think you’d be able to walk tomorrow. 

“I told you,” JJ traced a finger across your jaw as you looked up at her with wide eyes. “I’m not holding back anymore. Tonight I will show you who you belong to and I’m not done showing you yet.”

You gulped as you looked at the resolve in her eyes. You knew there was no stopping this once JJ had decided to let go of control, but this is all you ever wanted. So, maybe another round… or even two… wouldn’t be so bad. At least you both had the day off tomorrow.

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[pastafossa]

Hi pasta!! What's Jane up to lately? Not like, in the fic but just....banging around in your brain? My characters hang around my head sitcom style sometimes lol

Much love!!

jane is currently roosting on top of matt like a hen with a chick they are both quite happy

Kidding. sort of.

NO BUT FOR REAL, mine do that too! Now and then over the years the scenery has changed (since I started TRT though, my internal headspace where the characters hang out looks suspiciously like Matt's apartment), but the space is always kinda... there for them, and that includes Jane! Half the time she's providing running commentary - she's got a lot to say about the Daredevil rewatch me and @sunflowersandsapphires are going through before Born Again, especially now that we're in S3 which we haven't reached yet in TRT. Like,

Me: (watching the FBI break into Matt's apartment without any difficulty whatsoever) Jane, sipping her coffee and turning the page of her book: Good fucking luck doing that to our door. They'll be lucky to break in before dinner.

Sometimes she's also just reading up there. Probably the Odyssey at present, since all my listening to Epic has reminded her of when her and Ciro were bulldozing through classics together. She also has been watching in amusement as Matt tries yet again to keep other characters out so that I can't write about them or be distracted (Matt at present is grumpily barricading the door to prevent Jack Reacher from getting in, Jane's not helping but she's not stopping him either).

Me to Jane, as Matt drags his wardrobe in front of the front door: why aren't you stopping him??? Jane, leaning against the wall as she watches Matt: he needs enrichment, it's good for him. Me, watching Matt pacing as he watches for any attempts to open he door: I thought you were supposed to be his enrichment. Jane, innocently: he's high energy, he needed more. Also he looks good moving the furniture. Matt: I can hear you both. Jack Reacher, muffled through the door: so can I. Matt, growling: Go away. Michael Kinsella, on the couch with the assigned book for the book club he and Jane started even though there's only two of them in it: has he tried the skylight? We could use a third for the book club. Jane, as Matt drags a long bench down the hall to wedge it against the wardrobe: I thought Bucky was the third, we were going to read Lord of the Rings. Michael: Matt told Bucky there was a stray cat outside, then when Bucky went out to look for it, Matt locked the door. Me: ...we should read Lord of the Rings though, it's been a while.

The oddest part though is when she just comes in with random fucking lore. So like, I'll be doing something unrelated and she'll come strolling into the mental apartment with a mug of coffee and drop shit on me. The most recent one was during this past week. We've gotten a ton of snow, and I was standing at my window watching a snowplow drive by. And Jane just sips her coffee and goes,

"I was a snowplow driver for a single winter. Then I hit a bull moose, got it stuck in the windshield and everything. Swear to god, I was nose-to-nose with that fucker, his antlers on either side of me like an open bear trap. Not sure who was more confused about the whole thing. I thought about sticking around but the amount of insurance paperwork I'd have had to fill out would have been a nightmare. It was easier to just change identities again. So I squeezed out under the antlers, left the moose there with the running truck, hitchhiked home, got my bag, and moved to Houston. Last I heard the moose was fine, though, and left to do moose things, so that's something."

In reality, though, she's very chill. Her and I have been doing this for about... (does math) 8 years or so, so we're comfortable. The only time she really fights me is if I'm writing and she does not think what's happening is the way it should go. But that's rare!

[thestarswillguide]

So apparently all this time I hadn't noticed how the circle around the star on Aaravos's chest had switched directions until I read this post.

This is odd. How even before anything bad happened with him and Leola, the circle around his star was in the downward direction, when it's supposed to be facing upward, but then changed direction obviously due to Leola's death (and I've always believed that his star turning black was because he lost her: his one deep truth). This was clearly no mistake, and I came up with a few possibilities I feel might explain this:

1) Aaravos had always been different from the other Startouch elves. Not just mentally and emotionally, but even his birth. I believe in the tdp art book it said that Startouch mages are extremely rare, with only one being born in generations. Aaravos is part of that rare few, and I haven't seen any others besides him. Perhaps one being born a Star mage means their symbol is also different.

2) It's because of Leola. We still don't know the details of her birth, but I've always thought her constellation or whatever was connected to Aaravos's, so maybe when she was born, they complemented each other somehow. Maybe the symbols on their chest are like the yin and yang symbol, one side facing one way and the other facing the opposite direction. Also, this is random, but y'know how the tdp creators like to reference to Avatar in the show (like the Callum and Sokka boomerang moment)? Aaravos's VA also did Koh's voice in Avatar. In the last episode of s1 (Avatar), Koh was talking to Aang about the ocean/sea spirit and the moon spirit; how they were like good and evil, push and pull, etc. Maybe, just maybe, the creators made Aaravos and Leola to be like those spirits, and without one of the two's soul/spirit, it would cause an imbalance, thus the circle around Aaravos's star changing direction.

3) (I like this one a lot btw) Aaravos purposefully made the circle downward as a way to set himself apart from the other (arrogant) Startouch elves. A personal decision of his regarding his identity compared to them. I think it's possible for him to have changed it with magic.

4) I also thought another possibility could be what @kradogsrats said about Aaravos's descent to Xadia. I was thinking maybe being down in Xadia or away from the stars for so long made the symbol turn upside down, but this doesn't really seem accurate cause then Leola's probably would've been like his, whether she was born from the heavens or in Xadia.

But again, the first two possibilities could be wrong since Aaravos's symbol seems to be facing upward here, and I assume this is him before he descended to Xadia:

—

Another thing that I want to address:

@stardustamaryllis78 pointed this out on one of their posts, and it absolutely baffled me cause I hadn't noticed it before. I chalked it up to it being before the creators fleshed Aaravos out, but then I just went back to look at one of the s6 posters and I noticed THIS!?:

UM?? Okay, so the star is white AND the circle is upward. I always thought the gorgeous, astounding, immaculate, spectacular, heart stopping s6 posters of Aaravos with each Primal Source was actually him when he was pre-fallen. I thought so cause they weren't showing him doing dark magic so...

But apparently, this is him as fallen wearing his stunning Startouch formal attire. When I saw the star was bright in these posters I thought it was because he's doing magic ig (like how it did in s2), but then that doesn't explain why his star was bright again as humanity was being banished. But then I thought of one thing that might explain both pictures: Aaravos probably used his magic to make his star look bright (likely to deceive the others and make himself not look suspicious).

ANYWAY- pls tdp creators bring Leola back (like in the Clannad anime or smthing!) and restore his star heart again!! 😭

[itsapipedream]

Finished The golden raven and I'm here to vomit everything I'm feeling.

I will say it just in case but this will have spoilers, big small and everything in between. This is a warning.

So....SO. This is not gonna make sense or be organized or have any coherence at all, I just need to write before I burst from how much I feel about everyone in this book.

Let me start with the biggest change in how I thought before vs now after reading it.

Kevin and jean's relationship, a few days ago I said I could see how people ship them so much because their relationship is so complex and charged with their history in the nest and the broken promises and the secret learning of a language Riko could not understand to scape that hell on earth.

They clearly care for each other, you can see how much Jean loves him and hates him, how important he is still.

And then Nora comes here and gives me THIS and I thought "oh no no no, they behave like brothers. They totally feel like family"

This leads to probably the biggest surprise to me (completely aware I'm probably yhe only one thinking this) because call me clueless but I totally thought Jean only found Jeremy attractive (him having two working eyes and good taste) and nothing else but the fact that he's had a crush on him so huge Riko knew about it caught me so off guard I need to put the book down for like 5 minutes and scream into the pillow to calm down because WHAT WHAT WHAT do you mean he's being thinking about him for YEARS and he goes there when he's asked about HAVING LOVED SOMEONE BEFORE LIKE????????????

So yeah, that was a big moment for me and I haven'te being able to stop thinking about since.

I was right when I said Jean was born for love and this book proves it. The easy way he fall into the tronjans dynamic, the mutual respect of boundaries and personalities, the palpable care everyone have for each other. How you can see Jean's silent kindness from time to time.

His relationship with Cat is probably my favorite thing in the whole thing. She's so atuned with him and catches so fast how Jean needs comfort and seeks it from touch (from them). How Jean doubts only for a minute and comforts her the same way during the game...

And then you have Laila and Jean and how tender their relationship is, how she's an unmovable and strong pilar in his life, stable enough for him to open a little about Elodie, gentle enough to voice his wants.

The turning point of the book, Jean's breakdown after his confortation with Zane was the second time I've cried with this series (the first being when Neil came back from the Nest and asked for help from Wymack) It was so.... cathartic and hearbreaking and so necessary. Powerful enough to make him start considering what happened to him as something unfair, something wrong. Rhemann being there to make possible for him to start having a voice.

I will repeat myself over and over but the kindness of the book is disarming. You can see it in Jean's childish wonder for the world, in him loving peaches and wanting to grow them on his own, in Cat and him cooking togehter, in the whole group adoring him and not buying into the angry façade and accepting him and his circumstances.

The building up for Jeremy and Jean confessing their feelings for each other is so good, there's so much tension there I'm pretty aware it will kill me but also I need the third book for yesterday. Same way Neil and Andrew were what they need to be able to open up enough to let the other in without being aware it was happening, I'm sure Jean is what Jeremy needs and viceversa.

On one hand you have someone that only sees and cares for the person Jeremy is, not even his surname or what his family is or does, Jean is someone that will give him the same space he needs when it comes to their painful spots. They lie they same way, leaving an open for the other person to have the hope they need to feel when comfronting them. Jean is also someone that can and will carry Jeremy's past without shame or reproach.

On the other hand you have Jeremy being brighter than the sun and quite literally, shining a light into Jean's life (not only now but for years) someone that will show you how comitted he's to him openly, that will fight for him and let him know, give him space to express himself.

There's so much adoration throughout the whole story is overwhelming.

I will say only one more thing, Neil and Andrew being there for more than 1 scene made me so so happy, I do love them with my whole heart...

[hivemuthur]

You’re actually wild. Like the first fic you posted on AO3 was in December and since then you have 33 fics up?? You’re insane! And most of them being Viktor/Reader?? You’re feeding Viktor Fucker Nation.

I have some questions for the ask thing! 10 and 14. And then I’m curious about stuff related to the questions 12/13 - like what your writing history is, what kinds of stuff did you write pre Arcane, did you write fanfic before, etc?

I’m curious about how you like writing /reader? I know the first couple things you posted were OCs with Joe and Renly. But OC stuff doesn’t get as much attention as /reader - is that why you switched over to that kinda stuff? Sometimes I don’t love second person POV and it took me a bit to get used to so I’m curious as to your thoughts.

You are so right, insane is what I am :v I just checked my AO3 and it says I wrote 270K words (after subtracting the doubled ones). Lol I need help I think.

Honesty being fed by requests makes it so much easier to write. I was actually very nervous at the beginning (and still am when I deviate from the subject because I get struck by a severe case of brain death in the middle), but it only helped me to formulate my thoughts better. I had no idea how much power is in prompting. And the ask game:

10. Is there a character or ship you'd love to write for, but haven't yet?

14. What makes you happiest? New fic comments, kudos, bookmarks, user subscribers, story subscribers, or Tumblr asks?

Interactions, like, beyond anything. Comments, asks, anything that people want to say to me. I was on the reading side for a long time and rarely brought myself to commenting because of some weird shame and this fear that I might be disturbing the author. Now I’m beating my chest and coming back to all those fics I loved and commenting, because finally, FINALLY I know how it feels when the void answers and I never ever want to lose this feeling and I want to give it back to the authors I love. Once, I received an art for my fic and it made me stop in the middle of the street and miss my tram, legit tears in my eyes. People saying that they’ve read something of mine and they got back to writing. I mean, it just feels so good I’m almost ok with the fact that Viktor is fictional :’)

12/13. First fandom/Do you have an 'official' creative writing background such as a degree or previous experience publishing?

Arcane is the first one I’m writing for in terms of fanfiction! And background hmm… not for the works that contain plot I would say? I write a lot for TTRPGs so I’m familiar with plot mechanics, pacing and character creations. I wrote my own tabletop game some time ago (like 2 years?). But it’s very pagan so never published it, Slavic mythology focused :v I used to write film reviews and music reviews during my uni times. But most of my writing before this was character creation for tabletop games. I also write down a lot from the books I like, I read quite a lot.

And regarding Reader/ or 2nd person POV: in the beginning I felt STUPID writing it, I have no idea why, despite the fact that I actually enjoy them as a reader myself (now I think I have no preference, I just like good stories). And because I’m a classified masochist I HAD TO TRY. So I went slow and rewrote the story from 3rd person to 2nd person POV at first. Then I wrote first Reader one-shot and now it feels natural. Same deal with present tense - completely alien at first, until I HAD TO because my sorry ass wanted coherent flashbacks. So I forced myself to learn and now I prefer it, adds to the urgency and reinforces the feeling of starvation when I’m writing sex :v

Hihi it feels so funny to know you’ve been there reading my shit from the beginning in the corners of AO3, like kicking my feet, twirling my hair funny, thank you 🖤

ask game

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

hey miss raven!! I was wondering if you knew anything about the weird (at least in my opinion) system in twst that just got introduced to eng servers

I’m talking about the event flashback, I have no problems with the system itself- in fact I think it’s pretty awesome considering I stopped playing for about a years time irl, it allows me to catch up on events I missed

you see, when I started playing twst again, the game was nearing the end of the playful land event, so I wasn’t able to fully enjoy it (I could watch it on YouTube, but I think that takes the joy out of immersing yourself into the game) this is why when the event flashback update come to eng servers I was rlly happy about it only to realize playful land isn’t even one of the events you could play (among others)

I could see why they left out the culinary crucible events, but I’m a bit confused on why they would leave out playful land, cloudcalling on the savanna, the stitch event, and even tsumderland. (I believe these all came on out eng server alr, pls correct me if I’m wrong)

(the tsum event may be an exception to some people since it’s heavily battle based instead of story but they included Sam’s new year sale events- all of them I believe- so it doesn’t make sense why they wouldn’t also include this one? They’re both similar in terms of their battle and story ratio)

I’ve tried researching a bit myself but couldn’t come up with anything, complete nada, was wondering if you knew OTL

If you don't see certain events listened in the Event Flashback feature, it's intentional. Not all past events are currently viewable.

In the official Twst EN third anniversary announcement, they list which events will be viewable:

Presumably, the others will be added in another batch at a later date. This is also the case for JP, which also still doesn't have events like Cloudcalling on the Savanna/Tamashina Mina avaliable in Event Flashback yet.

Generally, events that are fairly new or haven't had a rerun yet aren't in Event Flashback, and nor are events that just wrapped up immediately added in Event Flashback. Events that won't have a rerun (like the New Years Sales, which are annual) are, however, usually added.

I think what's most likely going to happen is that JP (which is coming up on its 5th anniversary shortly) will have an update to the Event Flashback feature to offload more events. EN, however, is usually a year or so behind in terms of these quality of life updates. New stuff for Event Flashback might come at the EN 3.5 or 4th year anniversary.

[strawberryblue-blog]

are u planning on doing a part 2 of stay away for Hector? x

I love You, I'm sorry

—Hector Fort.

summary: second part of the imagine 'Stay Away'.

warnings: none. cute, soft, fluff.

words account: +1.9k.

You didn't think a broken heart could ever feel like this. Like a constant weight on your chest, like an echo of something that could have been and never was. You let it go, and now it's too late for regrets.

Hector doesn't come to the cafeteria anymore.

Before, every afternoon his presence was a certainty: he would arrive with his easy smile, order his coffee and look at you with that intensity that made you feel too much seen. You pretended you were unaffected, that it didn't matter that he was someone famous, someone unattainable. You would just limit yourself to serving him, as you had done all the time since you've been working here. But things had changed.

He tried to get closer. He tried to get you to go out with him, but you always said no. Not because you didn't want to, but because fear held you back. How were you going to fit into his world? You're just a barista in a small coffee shop, while he... well, he belongs to another universe.

Now, that universe no longer clashes with yours.

And it drives you crazy.

Day after day, you stare at the door in the absurd hope that he'll come back. Every time the doorbell rings, your heart gives a treacherous leap, only to sink again when it's not him.

You try to look for him but you have no way of doing so. You don't know where he lives, you don't even have his number, his friends haven't come back either, you only know something about Pedri from your friend but you don't dare ask him about Hector. You feel you don't have the right. You only have the right to his absence and the memory of his voice asking you for a chance.

The memories of that night you asked him to leave you alone, how his eyes broke from a dull dark black and sober. How he tried to get closer but you set a limit. A limit you now regret. But everything happens for a reason and now it's your turn to be responsible for your decisions.

It's better this way. You and he were never going to work. You are too different, from different worlds. He's already forgotten you, he's probably moved on. You should do the same, even if it hurts.

The days go by like numbers, you don't even notice. You only come to work in the afternoons, in the mornings you usually study or go to class and then go home to rest or finish homework. In the cafeteria everything goes great, the clients are satisfied, the work is pleasant, the coffee is more and more every day. The only solution to your problems.

Just like now. You are found with your hands in your freshly brewed coffee with quality beans. You are there physically but your mind is not present, it has not been these last months. You finish your little break and stand at the cash register, while attending to some customers.

You serve customers and take their orders and you start to prepare them, when they are ready. You come back to the counter and hand it to them with your morning smile.

Then the bell rings again.

You look up to see a customer walk in and your breathing stops. Your eyes glaze over and your heart pounds as you watch the customer walk slowly down the aisle. You release the cleaning cloth from your hand and feel it fall to the floor in a dull thud.

It's him.

It can't be him. It's really him. As he walks you think about how to act, whether to say hello politely as you usually do or to aggravate some hint of emotion.

You haven't seen him in months and your heart widens as you see him coming, feeling your palms sweat and your legs tremble. You feel your blood run cold and the pallor of your face, anyone seeing you right now could believe you're about to faint.

You swallow saliva when you feel his presence nearby. He didn't even look at you. He just walked up to the counter, hands in his pocket, staring at the giant letter behind you. You sigh calming your system and stand up straight.

Hector is there, standing in front of the counter. His expression is neutral, but there is something different in his look, something more serious. He's changed, more mature perhaps.

"Good afternoon" you greet with a whisper. "What can I offer you?" you ask trembling.

Hector looks at you for the first time and without expression or emotion says.

"An Espresso, please"

Your hands work automatically, preparing his coffee. But inside, you are in ruins. Because you still remember the brush of his fingers on your skin, the way he used to say your name. And because, even though it was you who decided to walk away, you never stopped loving him.

You place the cup on the counter and he reaches out his hand. Your fingers brush his and, for a second, the whole world is suspended. The warmth of his skin against yours is an echo of what once was, of what you never stopped feeling. His eyes meet yours, and in them you see something that hits your chest, a spark of what they were, of what they could have been.

But then he sighs, pulls his hand away and takes the glass.

"Thank you" he murmurs and leaves.

Your heart is pounding so hard you feel it will pound out of your chest as you watch them walk toward the door. The scene seems to be in slow motion, how your chest burns and how your heart compresses as he keeps walking. He doesn't stop. He doesn't stop for you. He doesn't care about you at all. And maybe it's for the best but something tells you that you can't leave him like this.

The door closes behind him, and you stand there, holding your breath, the feel of his touch still burning on your skin. Again, the thought returns to your mind and you bite your lip.

No. You can't let go again.

"Cover me" you say to Carla, turning to your friend.

She, who has always known what he means to you, nods without hesitation, touching your shoulder to give you some encouragement.

You take off running. You run down the hallway that Hector has just left, push through the cafeteria door, and the air hits you as you find yourself outside the shop. You see him a few meters ahead, walking with one of his hands in his pocket, without looking back. You quicken your pace, feeling the pressure in your chest, guilt gripping you as you realize where you are. Right here. Right in the same place where you turned him down.

You swallow, but you don't stop. It's as if your body responds on its own and your mind takes over.

"Wait!" you cry out in desperation.

He stops. He turns around. And when his eyes bore into yours, everything you've held back for so long explodes.

"Hector, I..." you blurt out, the words running over in your mouth. "I'm so sorry. I... I was afraid. I thought we were too different, that our worlds, our jobs, everything would separate us. And I walked away" you start to say with your heart racing.

You move closer to him, a little shaken but with the energy to keep talking. Hector looks at you blinking and holds the glass tighter.

"But I never stopped thinking about you. When I left you here, it broke my heart. I thought it was the best thing for me but I never thought about you and I want you to know I'm sorry" you keep saying, you keep moving towards him.

You want to get closer, you want him to know that you are truly sorry and even though this could go wrong, you need to get it off your chest.

"I didn't want to hurt you, I would never have wanted that for you, Hector. You noticed me, you saw me, and I couldn't understand why you would see someone like me" you open your hands pointing at yourself. "I'm a nobody, I don't even know what I want for my life, I just exist and I got scared!" you squeal disappointed with yourself.

If there was one thing you had felt since that day, it was disappointment. Disappointment that you hadn't been able to face your fear and tried to love it. Disappointment of being a coward who is afraid of love. But you don't want to feel that fear anymore. You want to love Hector even though he no longer does. Even though he's already over you.

"I never stopped waiting for you to come back. Every time the cafeteria bell rang, I got my hopes up that it would be you. My heart knew that someday you would come back and it kept beating like that time we met for the first time and even if it wasn't for me, it would be for you." you say sincerely.

He looks at you silently, frowning slightly, but says nothing. So you go on.

"And today, when I saw you... I realized that I screwed up. That I lost you. That I let go of the only thing that really made me happy" tears gather in your eyes but you hold yourself not to cry, you're not the victim here. "Now I understood that the coward was me, I was afraid of something I limited myself. It wasn't you..."

The words run over you, your chest aches, anguish tangles in your throat. But then, without warning, without giving you time to react, he steps forward and kisses you.

He interrupts you with his mouth, with the warm, urgent touch of his lips. How you are that time. Your senses soar, your pulse rises and your heart flutters.

Your body freezes for a second... and then everything in you gives way.

His free hand clings to your waist, yours go up to his face to caress it, then you wrap around his neck hanging from it, and the kiss becomes a whirlwind of pent-up emotions, of love never extinguished, of lost time that you make up for now.

It is a kiss you will remember all your life. It is soft, sweet and delicate. His touch burns into your skin through your clothes and you feel the feelings blossom from your chest, making you dizzy. His tongue is warm and caresses you gently, shyly. He is so beautiful, you melt into him again and again. You don't want to let go, but you must or you will die. Though you'd rather die right here, next to him.

When you pull apart, you're both gasping for breath. He leans his forehead against yours and smiles, just a little.

"I want to be with you" he says in a whisper, his eyes looking deep into yours again and you smile. "I want this to be real. I don't care where we come from, or what we do. I'll prove to you that we're not as different as you think. Because I'm in love with you."

You don't hesitate. Not this time.

"And I'm in love with you, Hector" you admit confidently. "I have been since the first time you walked through that door"

And you kiss him again. Once, twice, a thousand more times. Until you have to go back to the cafeteria. You can't tear yourself away from him, though.

This is like a movie. You kiss on the street with people walking normally, your hands press against your body and your heart creaks with love. All the suffering, all the pain is gone. Hector has healed it with his forgiveness. With his love. Maybe it's because you forgave yourself too, maybe you allowed yourself to do this. Love.

"I'll see you later, okay?" you ask with one last kiss.

He nods, with a smile that steals your breath away.

"Oh honey, if you thought I was planning on leaving you you're wrong" he murmurs with a laugh that rubs off on you. "It's my favorite place, where my favorite girl is. You'll have to kick me out because I don't plan to leave ever again" he says and you burst out laughing as Hector kisses your cheek sweetly.

"You are my special guest, even though you steal my attention all the time and drive me crazy" you say jokingly anyway and Hector smiles complicitly.

He laughs and kiss your lips in a tender peck.

Then he takes your hand and you walk to the cafeteria, to that place where it all started, where you first approached his table. Where he joked, flirted and made you fall in love for the first time. Where you knew what it's really like to love and be loved, even though you ruined it. This was your destiny.

You were ready to do it right this time.

Ready to live this experience with him.

[mimiri22-6]

Ok so, something's been driving me crazy for the past 2-3 days now; I can't find one fanfic!

-its a stranger things fic

-eddie still dies

-Steve visit his grave regularly

-wayne visits the grave to clean graffiti off it...or Steve does that, I can't remember now

-wayne talks to Steve about Eddie

-Steve slowly falls in love with these stories of Eddie and mourns never knowing him

-the kids graduate and are semi scattered around out of hawkins...or just spend A Lot less time with Steve nowI CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBE-

-leaving Steve and Wayne to themselves

-Steve and Wayne move in together/Wayne moves into the Harrington house because they are both just so sad

-meanwhile Eddie is slowly helped back to his body my El being directed by some gov/lab people

-its a success, and her and Eddie get along. I think.

-eddie still has to recover because he was comatose/dead for the past year(s?)(maybe the kids didn't graduate yet?????IDFK)

-El did all of this in secret without telling anyone, but since she would be gone for a long while she told a lie or something? Or she told the truth that she was going to the gov again, but didn't say why? I forget exactly how she loopholed her way out of not lying about where she was going

-El brings Eddie back while Steve is visiting Eddie's grave again and gets whiplash when Eddie speaks up behind him

-one of the gov guys, maybe the main one, was with and says something along the lines of'this is compensation, we found him and said 'we can use this'' he doesn't Really say that, but that's the vibe

-it was originally on Tumblr in multiple linked parts, I'm pretty sure, but it eventually got put on AO3 too? Maybe? Hopefully

-I Rb'd it but I stopped religiously adding tags forever ago when I Still couldn't find anything

-multiple povs, obviously, but specifically Wayne, Steve, Eddie, and El I'm pretty sure.

-i think I was looking for 'wayne munson major character death, or something' at the time and now I've exhausted all avenues and it's taking prescious time out of my homework hours because I can't stop thinking about it.

OH

-im pretty sure I read it back in 2022, if not, I 1000000% didn't read it this year and I Really think I didn't read it last year, aka 2024. So date published is narrowed down two, BUT I STILL COULDN'T PIN IT DOWN-

-it could be tagged steddie, but I was thinking it might have been one of those'i wrote this platonically but you can interpret this anyway you want' fics and that's another reason why I'm so unsure about this fucking thing

-there was absolutely no sign of the author bringing Eddie back in the first part/chapter until Eddie gave Steve whiplash

-the pov after Steve was Wayne and then maybe El and then Eddie? But the first 2 I'm pretty positive of

-i have no clue if there was a prologue, but they do bring the party back together to surprise them with Eddie and I Think that's where it ends

-it felt like a long read, but I could be wrong, it definitely wasn't short though

I was doing the search again this morning and I still haven't eaten and the cats haven't eaten, and I still have to read/consume material before class today and and💥(I'm legit going a little mad looking for this thing, I haven't been able to sleep a full night)

[feliciasharpclaws]

✯ 𝑶𝑵𝑬𝑺𝑯𝑶𝑻 | l. know/minho

pairing: drift king lee know! x han lue's younger sister oc!

warnings (not really): slight suggestive scenes, curse words, street racing, drifting, bad grammar (i think).

a/n: oc's name is shego lue and she's a racer too, is mentioned that minho is half japanese and a sukeban's son, han's referred as hannie by shego, han likes to call shego, go-go.

btw lino's header credits to @hyunminsunger

During the time Han had became business partners with DK and started going to the car meetings, he never expected to see his baby sister Shego being whispered on her ear and tightly hugged on the waist by Hirai Yuka's son, Lee Minho on a dim corner of the parking lot after winning a purple 1994 Toyota Supra MK IV. Yes, he was aware that his sister was in Japan, after all he had seen her leaving Sean's school with Lee one day on a blue 1996 Nissan Skyline GT-R R33.

The truth was that Han never expected Shego to be that close with Lee Minho or DK Lee Know as people in Minato called him, he knew that his mother Hirai Yuka used to be a sukeban on her teenage years to later get married with a korean financial advisor. So why they were secretly clingy towards eachother only made him more curious, with slow movements he stopped leaning on his car and carefully approached the young adults in the corner.

Lee's back now was facing to him, his right hand was set on the concrete wall and his dominant hand was covering Shegos's cheek and part of her jaw, the sound of slow making out filled Han's ears making him clear his throat and the younger's to separate.

“It's nice to see that you haven't lost your touch Go-Go” Han's usual lazy tone filled Shegos and Minho's ears. Slowly her left hand slipped out of her boy's neck while the other one patted his chest to come out of the darkness.

“And it's nice to finally see you Hannie” Shego's silky voice reached his ears making him smile softly. “I thought I had to go to your garage for you."

Han chuckled, his gaze flicking between Shego and Minho. "You know where to find me, little sister. But it seems like you've found some other... distractions here in Tokyo."

Minho stepped forward, his stance protective yet respectful. "Han, I didn't expected to see you here tonight." His voice was calm, but there was an underlying tension, unsure of how Han would react to the situation.

Shego rolled her eyes playfully, trying to ease the tension. "Come on, Hannie, you knew I'd make friends here. Minho's been showing me around since I arrived. He's actually quite the gentleman when he's not racing."

Han raised a corner of his lips, his curiosity piqued. "And here I thought you'd stick to your books, Go-Go. Isn't that why you were sent here?."

Shego smirked. "There's more to life than just books, Han. Besides, Minho here has been teaching me a few more things about cars. Turns out, I do have a knack for it."

Minho nodded, adding, "She's a quick learner. Not only that, she's really got some natural talent behind the wheel."

Han looked at the purple Supra, then back at the duo. "I know, I taught her how to drive. Speaking of talent, whose car is this?"

"Mine," Minho answered with a hint of pride. "Won it tonight. Thought it might look good next to my GT-R."

Han walked over to the car, running his hand along the smooth bodywork. "Nice choice. Seems like you've both joined forces on car racing, huh?" Suggestion slipped in his voice

Shego stepped closer to Han, her voice softening. "Don't worry. I'm safe here. Minho takes care of me, you know I'm learning, growing."

Han gave a slow nod, understanding the unspoken message. "Just make sure you keep your head in the game. Both of you." His eyes met Minho's, a silent agreement passing between them.

Minho nodded, acknowledging the responsibility. "I will, Han. You have my word."

The tension eased as Han leaned back against his car with a lighter vibe. "Well then, I guess we should celebrate your new ride, Minho. And Shego, you owe me a race to see what you've learned.

Shego laughed, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Challenge accepted, Hannie. But let's make it interesting. If we win would you let Minho officially date me?"

Han smirked. "Sure, why not. You're on, Go-Go. But don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're my sister."

The air was thick with anticipation as Han, Shego, and Minho prepared for the race. The makeshift track was the old runway at Haneda, long and straight with a few sharp turns that would test their skill and strategy.

The cars lined up, headlights piercing the night. Han’s black Evo IX sat sleek and menacing, its turbocharged engine purring with potential. Next to it, Minho's newly won purple Supra MK IV had a reputation for speed but was less known for its handling. Shego, now behind the wheel of the Supra, felt the power beneath her hands, her nerves tingling with excitement.

Han gave a nod to Shego, his eyes conveying both challenge and pride. "Remember, Go-Go, it's not just about speed. You've got to feel the road."

Shego smirked back, her confidence bolstered by her brother's words. "Don't worry, Hannie. I've been paying attention."

Minho, standing beside Shego, patted the hood of the car. "This baby's got some tricks up its sleeve. We'll show you."

A little crowd who had gathered around counted down, the tension palpable. "Three... Two... One... GO!"

Tires screeched as all three cars launched forward, the sound echoing across the empty runway.

Han took an early lead, his Evo's all-wheel drive giving him superior traction. He used this to his advantage, pulling a quick slingshot maneuver to get ahead. His driving was smooth, each shift and drift a calculated move.

Shego, however, wasn't far behind. She leaned into the first turn, feeling the car's weight transfer. Minho had shown her how to use the Supra's weight distribution to her advantage, teaching her to initiate a drift by slightly letting off the throttle at the apex of the turn, then counter-steering to control the slide. She executed this perfectly, the car's taillights forming a wide arc of light as she kept the momentum going, closing in on Han.

Minho's voice was heard from the passenger seat, calm and instructional. "Use the handbrake for a tighter turn. It'll unsettle the rear, but we can control it."

Shego nodded, as they approached a sharper bend, she gently pulled the handbrake, feeling the back end begin to slide. She counter-steered, her hands dancing over the wheel, keeping the car's nose pointed where she wanted it to go. The technique shaved off precious seconds, allowing her to nip at Han's heels.

Han chuckled over a little radio Minho had given him, "Nice move, Go-Go. But let's see you handle this."

He feigned a wide drift into the next turn, making it look like he was losing control. Shego, expecting an opening, committed to overtaking on the inside. But at the last second, Han tightened his line, his car's turbo kicking in, propelling him forward with a burst of speed.

"Oldest trick in the book," Han muttered to himself, grinning.

Minho, anticipating Han's strategy, instructed Shego, "Draft off him! Use his slipstream."

Shego caught up, tucking in close behind Han's Evo. The aerodynamic pull helped her close the gap. As they approached the final stretch, where precision would count more than power, Minho's voice was calm, "Now, let's show him the Supra's real power. Shift down, then floor it at the exit of this turn."

Shego followed his advice, downshifting just before the turn, then as she powered out, she floored the accelerator. The turbo lag was minimal thanks to the car's tuning, and she felt the surge of power, the car rocketing forward.

The finish line was in sight, and it was neck and neck. Han, knowing he couldn't outrun the Supra on the straight, attempted to block Shego's path. But she was ready, braking later into the last corner, cutting inside with a precision that made her brother proud.

They crossed the line together, but the crowd's roar suggested Shego had edged out Han by a hair's breadth.

Pulling over, the engines quieted, and Han laughed, shaking his head as he got out of his car. "I guess I owe you more than dinner now, huh?"

Shego hopped out, her face alight with victory and adrenaline. "Looks like I've got myself a boyfriend, thanks to you, Hannie."

Minho joined them, his hand finding Shego's, a look of genuine pride in his eyes. "And you've got yourself one hell of a racer, Han."

Han looked at them, his smirk softening into a genuine smile. "Seems I do. But you won't win the next time Go-Go."

tags @bigbittysworld, @babygirl-liyah2, @instabull, @sugarp0p0, @urnanscuteoldgrippers, @omgjiminsjams, @ratprincessnr1, @flwrs4bin, @whoisclarie, @adidas6453, @lovelylittleliarxx, @leah-also-known-as-creator, @tojiwifeyy, @lovelygirlnat, @bluegrimm29, @krispypanda13 , @mysexy-anxiety, @poisonlacy, @artisticbrainrot, @sheeeeeesh-100, @lenasimp, @sagestarlight, @frilledjelly, @lillypika, @dreamerwasfound, @c0sm1n4, @kendihalindekiyaratik, @mal-lunar-28, @roninth3creator, @genevieve17, @666kpopfan, @cryingoverfelix, @moni25sworld, @jessicarq, @fic-for-readers, @bellarellasstuff, @missmajdastark, @kitkatdreamsmpmcyt, @deedee09, @iheart1nnieee, @ljwll, @ominous-shoelace, @cherrychopstixx, @chip-05, @carrot-cult, @squirls-world, @keto-keyes, @yukinachan59, @radfoxcollectorposts, @shanty-lol, @fefa-la-printcessa, @hollblauxxx, @anaviieiira, @appleschre, @hnnnne , @crispy-chris, @lucy-bunny17, @hapitanikamari1, @banana1245, @sueps-things, @thorne83, @bluelizze, @soul13home, @koing-slvt, @moonfulmoony, @why-am-i-hereeeeee, @duxkle

[masterwords]

Hello ❤️ If you have time I would love a blurb about Hotch and Morgan cuddles and feeling secure together it's my current brain rot thought.

Oh, yes. I do! I'm a sucker for the soft. I started things for this a number of times but all of them got so convoluted and long and away from the point of the cuddle - this one might have too, but the vibe feels right. I haven't posted a fic directly to tumblr in a while but I will do it now. I hope you like it! I wrote this in thirty minutes so if it feels fast and loose...it is. hahahaa

Words: 1.6k (that's not a blurb but I frequently fail at blurbs)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's nearly 1 am, and Hotch can't remember the last time he saw a Walmart at this time of night. He's avoided the store like the plague during regular waking hours, it's too bright and too loud, he can't focus. But when it's the only place open in a ten mile radius and he needs to get the snacks for Jack's preschool class on his way home from work…it's what he's got to work with.

That, or he could go to the gas station at the end of his block and spend a fortune on single serving nightmare food and be ostracized from snack parent duties entirely. The idea is enticing.

He buys a bag of tiny oranges and a bag of pretzels, bland and simple, exactly what he would want if he were a preschooler who wanted to eat quickly and get back to finger painting or playing outside. With his arms full of snacks, he makes his way toward the front of the store to checkout, catching only minor notes from the songs wafting through the store.

It's quiet in here. There are a couple of employees gathered around the one open cash register at the front and a few placed throughout the store restocking shelves. He's not the only shopper inside but he never ran into anyone else. It was almost serene and as he waits for the cashier to count back his change, he thinks this might be the best time to shop. He might have to do it more often.

It's the first time since Haley died that being in a grocery store hasn't resulted in a major meltdown on either he or Jack's part. Jack is sleeping, Jessica is staying over, and he's got all the time in the world to listen to the quiet.

He's always been partial to quiet, but it's been especially important to him in the years since the explosion in New York. Loud noises still hurt though he's gotten fairly good at concealing that fact, his carefully practiced neutral features don't give anything away anymore. He shivers when the cold hits him and with his one free hand, he reaches for the zipper on his jacket and pulls it up to his chin, stopping the worst of the wind from whipping against the exposed skin of his neck.

His car is one of about ten in the parking lot, the huge lot that takes up a full city block. It's almost post-apocalyptic, the way the streetlamps dot the asphalt, one of them flickers wildly above an employee in a blue vest trying desperately to keep his cigarette lit in the wind.

He sits in his car and waits while it warms up, rubbing his hands together like he's sitting in front of a fire. His circulation has always been bad, but since Foyet's attack it's been almost nonexistent. His hands are always cold, fingers stiff and painful. He'd gone to the doctor convinced they were going to tell him he had arthritis, that he was going to lose his ability to shoot his gun sooner rather than later, but all they said was that his circulation was terrible and gave him some exercises to do that would help increase blood flow temporarily. The pain and numbness would be persistent, they said, but do those exercises and you'll alleviate some of it.

The exercises make him feel silly. Jack sometimes copies them without knowing what he's doing - he'll be standing at the sink working his way through dishes and stop to do them because he's afraid he'll drop a glass and make a big mess in front of his son, and when he looks over Jack is playing with his legos and doing the same thing with his hands. Jack copies him a lot and that scares him, he's watching everything he does and says so carefully he's giving himself stomach aches making sure that Jack doesn't take on his worst traits.

"Hello?" he says, answering his phone. He knows who it is without looking.

"You ever coming home?" Derek asks impatiently and Hotch can hear the echo of his own hallway. Derek is waiting outside of his apartment. Derek calls his apartment home. He's still not quite over that revelation, but he hasn't made a big deal out of it.

"Had to stop at Walmart, I'm on snack duty for Jack's school tomorrow morning."

"You do realize we have to be up in less than six hours…"

"I'm on my way. Five minutes."

"The clock starts now."

Hotch throws his car into drive and heads toward the driveway a little faster than he should but there's something so freeing about speeding through an empty parking lot. It reminds him of learning to drive with his uncle because his father was rotting in a bed being eaten alive by cancer by the time he was old enough to get behind a wheel. His uncle was always a bit of a wildcard, not unlike Sean, and encouraged Hotch to put the pedal to the metal when he first started out. "It'll take away all the mystery of what it feels like to really go fast," he'd said and Hotch thought it did work, sort of, but once the mystery was gone he was simply left with the overwhelming love for it. He'd always loved to drive fast, to feel the speed in the wheels beneath him. To float dangerous corners. It's come in handy during high-speed chases on plenty of occasions.

He obeys the speed limit going home, though. Doesn't blow any stop signs or red lights. His little bag of groceries stays firmly in place on the passenger seat and he's putting his car in park at the six minute mark. He could have made it in three if he wasn't being so good about rules.

"You're late," Derek says, leaning against the wall beside his door. Hotch stops beside him, a little too close, and waits patiently for the kiss. Derek always kisses him first. Not because he has to, but because he likes to. He's competitive to a fault. The kiss happens quick, Derek smiling against Hotch's lips while Hotch unlocks the door to his apartment.

Everything is dark, only one small lamp left on to light their way through the living room to the kitchen. Doesn't matter, they know it all by feel alone. Hotch still won't step where Foyet attacked him, he walks around it like a kid skipping the cracks in the sidewalk, and Derek doesn't say a word. He never walked down the sidewalk that his father was killed on again, wouldn't even consider it. He gets it. Some places just hold onto a feeling that you don't want any part of.

They stop in the kitchen and in the dark, they hold each other for a moment. They lean heavily against one another, chest to chest, faces buried in necks, releasing the day. Derek had been hours away doing an in-service with Reid while Hotch worked in DC with Strauss. They hadn't seen each other all day, and this one moment in the darkened kitchen was all it took to make it all melt away. Hotch clung to Derek's waist, numb tingling fingers still not recovered from the night chill digging into the stiff leather of Derek's jacket.

Neither of them spoke. They could say things like I love you or I missed you but that was so heavily implied in the way they just stood there that it would have felt almost wrong to say it. From there they moved in unison toward Hotch's bedroom, undressing quickly, Derek pulling pajamas from the drawer Hotch set aside for him in his own dresser. At his house, he slept naked, but Jack had a tendency to creep into their bed in the darkest hours of the night and he'd only had to be startled awake by that terror once before he learned to deal with the discomfort in sleeping with clothes on. Hotch had offered just to take Jack back to his own bed, but Derek kind of liked when the kid came in, he liked the sound of his tiny snores and the way he curled up in a tiny ball between them like they were the safest place in the world.

But before Jack made his way in, it was Hotch that curled up against him. Derek runs hot and Hotch can't resist absorbing as much of that heat as he can. He slides beneath the blankets and pushes himself flat against Derek's side, burying his icy fingers in the warmth of Derek who always made a surprised noise so involuntarily at the intrusion. He knew it was coming but there was no way to prepare for it. Hotch sleeps in socks, much to Derek's chagrin, but at least that means his cold feet won't be a problem. Just those hands.

Hotch can't remember how or when this really started, and he can't remember ever having any real conversations about what they were or where it was going, no five year plans or relationship goals, it was just safety. It was just love. It didn't need a name or future plans, it didn't need any constraints at all. It was simply something, a beacon in a storm, a lighthouse burning bright. The knowledge that this something was always waiting at the end of a long day, no explanation necessary, had gotten them both through more hard days than either of them could ever articulate.

Whatever it was, whatever anyone might call it, didn't matter. It was simply the feeling of home in another person, and that was all either of them dared to dream of.

[midnightwind]

okay tumblr decided to be Funny with me so I'm coming back to this outside of the tags because apparently I have too many thoughts about the Crows for my own good

so, cracking my knuckles because it's been a hot sec since I've sat down to be insane over the Crows and their politics! (god fuck sorry just looked up the 'cast list' for 8LT again and wdym Dante was Second Talon wtf- that feels wild okay sorry I thought Emil was Second Talon for some reason) ANYWAYS I think it's entirely possible that Caterina did not push on having Houses Balazar and Valisti vacate their spots, I would find it Highly unlikely that a Talon would not have a successor lined up should something happen to them. Caterina cannot be the only Talon thinking about Legacy and What Comes Next and even if there wasn't an obvious heir to the seat in Houses that lost their Talon I think someone would have stepped up, esp with Caterina looming over them being like “figure your shit out we have to save the country.” (internal fighting still very real, but unless a Knife tried to fight for the spot, I doubt they'd change Houses esp since we haven't heard of a Knife taking a seat recently [we don't know if Teia was Cantori before taking her seat or not to my knowledge])

although there is also a real discussion to be had about how much communication can happen between the Talons post invasion... Viago's letter to Rook mentions that writing letters to Minrathous will be almost impossible because of the Antaam (which I take with a grain of salt because why would the Assassin's Guild use mundane mail that has to be screened... and maybe he just means “they're annoyingly apt at spotting our messages so it's not worth it unless it's Important” idk, it would be on brand for him to also be like "and nothing you write is ever very important so fix that or stop trying to write me") but I think the Second and Third seats are at least still within their initial Houses from 8LT just because of the invasion looming. I do think Caterina might have gone scorched earth on House Kortez however (I can't remember if we have a Codex or dialogue citing this, I know we had a few references to fallen Houses but I read 8LT after finding those and don't want to open the game rn lmao) very much “can't know how deep the betrayal goes so burn it all to save us the trouble” you know?

so maybe Viago did become Fourth Talon after 8LT given he solved the murders and ensured Emil was caught, but then Rook happens. Rook ruins an important strike against the invaders and Viago spares them over it. Caterina understands doing anything for your family (and Rook is set up as his family and potentially his successor even!) but that can't be allowed so he has to be punished! But he's a clever Crow and a good Talon and an important piece on the board (esp when it comes to the Crown of Antiva!) so why not just take that promotion away and ensure he does better next time? scare him, ensure the Problem (Rook) is dealt with, and keep that hard worker under your thumb! I don't know if another House stepped up to fill that role or if there just currently isn't a Fourth Talon (Illario did have a full spread when he tried to take over as First Talon but maybe he just had stand ins or supporters mixed in with Teia and Viago, I don't think all the Talons are in Treviso or should all be there or could all be there that fast) I foresee Bolivar getting ousted by his own House upon his return from 8LT honestly so House Nero may still hold the Sixth seat under a new Talon, and well poor Arainai might still be 8th Talon (never rule out Zevran coming back to run chaos) but it's the weakest seat so I doubt Caterina really worried about solving that with the Antaam happening. and so as long as the House still answers and fights for the Talons in Antiva I doubt it matters who's name has the title, anyone in the House could have taken over for Giuli.

I think bare minimum that Teia should have been promoted to Sixth Talon tho she was core to finding Emil as the killer and it's esp weird considering Caterina very openly favors her. maybe they thought bumping Teia to Sixth but leaving Viago as Fifth would be too confusing? but only people who read 8LT would even find it odd (and even then, would we??) but maybe they had the seats already decided for Veilguard before Tevinter Nights was finished and things stayed the same between...

anyways, the whole of Antiva is primed for a Huge wave of reform at end of the events of Veilguard, esp if Rook is played as a Crow. the heroes of the world (this time) are all decently high ranked or highly respected assassins within the order and one of them even has ties to the crown! I think, if we had gotten to see a little further, glimpsed the road Antiva is on with ousting the Antaam, there would be a decent chance of the Crows becoming proper god damned heroes of legends to the country and Viago making a real move to take the crown from his father (with full backing from at least 2 Houses if not most of the order) and who even knows if having a full 8 Talons would even be needed then? the entire order of Crows could be going through some insane changes at the end of all this

also one other thing that was bothering me. even if we chuck it up to teia's influence and viago being super generous by not overtaking 2nd and 3rd talon (house balazar and valisti) after what happen in eight little talons, house kortez is pretty much done and gone. it makes no sense that a cuchillo house is jumping immediately to the vacated 4th talon position, viago should be a 4th talon now and teia 6th. the setup where they remained at their previous positions would only make sense if they for some reason kept 4th talon vacated, but that makes no sense, it's been years. i think it's just a slipup and by all means viago should be 4th and teia 6th at least. i would even expect more changes in the hierarchy, but on the other hand maybe caterina penalized infighting somehow now that they should be focusing on the antaam.

[they-didnt-last]

anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??

[dickggansey]

im craving varenyky soooo bad but my cooking skills are not good enough for me to make them 😔

[carthonasi]

what do you know about my mother? she was like you. she was kind. and loving.

[libraford]

There was just so much "I'm glad they're out, but I'm not going to hold their hand and welcome them into our spaces."

Which is like... the first part of that is what I was suggesting. I wasn't even asking people to be nice beyond acknowledgement that them leaving was a good thing. And I did over-react a little bit because it was somewhat obvious that it was a lot of bad faith reads, but you know... I just don't react well to being called a nazi apologist.

And part of this is that I'm coming fresh out of doing research for the conversion therapy ban, where I had to hear so many strawman and slippery slope arguments as to why parents should be allowed to enroll their gay children into a program that has a less than 1% success rate and a 40% increase in suicide and is mostly characterized by literal torture.

And I saw both supporters and opponents of the ban say things that completely missed the point because they didn't read thoroughly or critically. But the important thing, I guess, was that they were angry.

While researching, I came across the oldie-but-goodie: Westboro Baptist Church- which I hadn't thought about since we were still in college.

But Fred Phelps just straight up hated everything. Like damn. That man really had unearthly amounts of hate in him. And he'd put ideas in people's heads and they'd rotate it around for awhile and they'd end up hating a version of events that barely resembled reality and... well, sometimes people get caught up in hating something so much that they don't read through.

And I think that things like anger, fear, hatred... they can be addicting to some people. I know that I have to limit my intake of The Horrors to digestible things written in plain language, and that I have to do it around the same time every day, or I'll just keep looking for more. And there haven't been very many resolutions to things, so its kind of like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

But I had a positive outcome with the conversion therapy ban. It made me feel good. Even if some of the people who were on my side of the issue somewhat missed the point, it felt good to celebrate a win. So I saw the exit group as another win, even if it was a small one.

I understanding wanting an Acceptable Target. The more I read about conversion therapy, the more I fucking hated Gary Cooper and Michael Bussee. Like I want to throw rocks at these people who left a legacy of hatred and a trail of bodies.

Finding out that they both left Exodus International to (1979 equivalent of) marry each other kind of took the breath out of that. That so many of the leaders and faces of the movement spoke out and said 'I was wrong and I am sorry for the damage I've done' gave me mixed feelings. As late as 2013, decades after the founders of the movement left, still dealing with the fallout and only just now in 2025 are people starting to get with the program on banning the practice of literal torture.

Having an Acceptable Target didn't make all of it not happen. And them apologizing didn't stop the movement. Even with a ban in place, I think that the change will be slower than I would like.

So its like... why am I putting this much energy into wanting them to feel pain when one of them already died of AIDS and the other one has been an outspoken opponent of the movement he started? Its not... its not gonna change where we are.

I'm trying to look more into the concept of what I'm doing instead of the person who is doing it. Like don't get me wrong: I want Elon Musk, Donald Trump, JD Vance, and Mike Pence to all have really ironic deaths. I think it would be satisfying to read in the 1-hour I set aside for easily-digestible news reports. I think that's a human thing to want.

Not gonna fix the problems. The problems are bigger and less easily solved than the richest man in the world falling into a vat of acid (oh god please it would be so funny.) They're concepts. They're isolationism and Rugged Individualism and Corporate Greed. Its racism and xenophobia and misogyny and transphobia and ableism. And the people who think that they cannot, will not, and could never be guilty of those things is disturbingly susceptible to propaganda.

Acceptable Targets are satisfying. Sometimes it can be productive, like when you punch a Nazi and they stop spreading their shit! But punching a Nazi doesn't end Nazism all at once. You have to keep punching them. And you also have to understand why there are Nazis. And you also have to learn why they recruit who they recruit. And this means finding empathy for your enemy, which is hard to do. And the work is long! And sometimes its boring! And sometimes its thankless! And sometimes its fucking impossible!

So I see why some people would prefer Acceptable Targets. We all do it. Which is why I believe in patience in lieu of forgiveness. The work is long. Lives are short.

Not to dwell on the subject, but somewhere along the line the word 'cheer' got misinterpreted to mean 'take an active role in a person's healing process and forgive them wholesale of their actions, shield them from the consequences, and vote for them when they run for senator.'

[imogens-temult]

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING (2003) dir. Peter Jackson