#and i haven't been carrying anything at all or doing basically any physical activity.

[non-un-topo]

The humour of me being in too much pain to concentrate on my reading about disability justice...

[system-of-a-feather]

On the topic of the role "elder" in our system

Since I'm out here doing a brief job as an "elder" in the system, I felt like talking and rambling about it some. But "elder" is a term we use now for the parts that generally are the responsible backbone, spine, and - for lack of better words - trusted advisory council for the system. Any large and complicated decision or any questionable consideration tends to pass through us to some degree before it is done and that's not a firm definition so much as a general concept.

We are generally considered the "elders" solely based off of general respect and history of "service" recognized by the system, but we aren't properly elected or anything similar, its more so just how we fall into it. The term originally came from a colloquial usage and a joke before finding its way as a basically commonly used term and I think it stems from the fact that our system has largely recovered enough that generally speaking, there rarely is a need for any active protectors 95% of the time as the system and hosts have the tools in their hands to typically handle most situations among each other.

As a result ex-primary protectors such as myself and Aderis - parts who have spent almost a decade each serving as the highly depended on and high pressure roles as parts that carried the system through large periods of life and kept us alive - no longer really needed to be doing much if anything most of the time. Between the both of us - at different times and in different ways - it came with a sense of depression and lack of purpose at first because our whole lives as parts have been consumed largely by the need to keep the system safe and protect us and all that - all to the point that loosing the need to have a dedicated part to that (a positive thing that comes with healing) left us largely feeling empty and lost. And feeling lost was such an unsettling new experience for both Aderis and I at first, but over time as we came to terms with our original function not being as needed, and got used to the new level of peace we found, we both sort of settled into being "retired".

Aderis' days of being a physical protector and dealing with the abuses we went through in the earliest days of our life are over and she's long earned her right to just kick back and do what makes her happy when she likes it. She's free to just exist.

Likewise, I've burnt myself through and through trying to keep us out of issues and securing us a stable future and resources to make sure that even if the worst happened that we would still not only be able to survive but theoretically flourish, and at this point? I really don't have to do that anymore and I have long earned my right to just sit back, enjoy my tea, listen to music, and watch the kids fumble around.

We haven't fused largely because we don't have a part that could "hold" us or a part that is ready for that, because we have important dynamics in the system synergy, and honestly because we are very "big" parts with a lot of personal experience, memories and identity to us and so finding a part that has the room to take all that in and process it is hard to come by. Even more importantly, while we aren't "needed" anymore, the two of us have two decades of being The Primary Protector between us, and even if we are not needed, we have a lot of insight built up from that and more than anything else, we serve as great advisors rather than actors now.

And as a result, we tend to support Ray who - while not retired, acts like it when he isn't actively needed - keeps everything in the system generally in line in a rather passive manner.

And in the end of it all, we are respected and trusted to always step up and return to doing a task that was once our job should we feel like it and the system respects that if we do that, then they should really oblige as we often don't get off of our retirement cushions unless we think the assistance is needed.

In this case it wasn't anything too particularly urgent or anything, but more so that I was already near the front and watching the children (Riku and XIV) running in circles trying to put on the NPD fire on eachother's backs and I figured it would be easier to set the rules for the two of them than do our now-usual thing of letting the two check one another.

It's a funny thing to watch personally, but I don't think its necessary and I am pretty sure that should we have left them alone they might have to fumble and figure it out the hard way that they have limited impulse control without us.

But anyhow. That's just a small ramble of sorts. I'll be on my way now.

[void-damned]

[Worshipped Outsider | The Marked & Bone Charms ]

The treatment of the Marked is as described before, 'A life in a gilded cage, luxury, with everything at hand.' At least that is the pretty picture they like to feed to the public. The Marked are better off in theory, but they are under constant surveillance, isolated, treated like fragile beings. Until they are not. They are often taken out, to serve as a perfect image, some sort of Avatar of the Outsider, a Chosen one to spread his Words. One who's actively involved with the God. Their powers are always a hit or miss, so there is a high chance that some, like Vera, are brainwashed into helping the Empire prosper. The Abbey seeks to secretly use them as puppets in the grand scheme of things. For the Good of the People, obviously. Vera would have chosen an important Morley noble, a key player, to wed instead of those who'd begged for her hand. Later, she would end up bathing in his blood and carving runes into his bones for her beloved God. All while the Empire would prosper from such a tragic death.  [Kim: It sounds like the Marked are Not Having a Good Time! What's going on behind closed doors?] I admit, I haven't done much thinking on the fate of the Marked behind closed doors but it is advertised as them living in comfort while having whatever they need at their disposal. I'd imagine that there is a lot of psychological torture, blackmail, and mind-breaking going on. Not as much physical due to the fact that I think the Marked could easily recover from that; besides they are needed intact. It has to be subtle and severe enough for many to take notice only once it is too late - like Vera! She played into it willingly for her love for the Outsider, had killed her husband and carved runes into his bones for she believed that is what the Outsider willed her to do. Which is false. It was the Abbey and maybe even Burrows and Campbell behind that - something about human bones resulting in corrupt charms and powerful black magic conduits (which are most definitely illegal). The regulations of runes and bone charms are tricky, though. The runes themselves are rare aspects bearing power and in the hands of a normal human, they are very much useless, humming silently. They would be used as offerings to the God and his Marked, maybe working similarly to the Tooth Fairy myth but instead of money, it'd be more of a promise of good fortune or something like that.

The charms, though, oof. Surely the Abbey has a Bureau/Office of Regulations that keeps track of the charms or which has to approve them and provide some certificate of authenticity (here in allowance or whatever) and register them. Anyone can technically carve them, but few manage to get them to work (Paloma Attano was good at that) - it also depends on what exactly they do and how they function? If they are small bits of bone with innocent enough blessings, like smaller help for disabled people, or charms like 'stains wash out easily', then there likely isn't no regulation. Mild regulation when it comes to charms for stamina, 'asbestos hands' (aka, you don't get hurt when you are baking and shove your hands in the oven), etc, or basically anything that can be somewhat misused. Heavier regulations and strict regulations on anything beyond that - luck charms are some of those, or any bigger physical feats, etc. Depending on use and specifics, they have to be approved. Not sure about where Black Charms belong but they would very likely be heavily regulated and any Corrupted charms have to be turned in. There are specialised charm-makers too but they also need to carry documentation about being approved by the Abbey. It's probably a tedious and long certification process.

Of course, people still carry illegal charms and can face punishment if they are caught. Lending people charms which require regulation is also seen as a transgression. BUT. I like the thought of hereditary charms, or charms that have been present in a family for a long time and it is widely known or the charms are registered under the family name, etc. Like Cecelia carrying a charm which helps her blend in with her surroundings, which she inherited from her mother and which is tied to her name. Perhaps these charms only work through a Bond of Blood. That could also be a way to regulate charms! Tying a charm to one specific person's blood/spirit.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #47 (part one)

previously - Journal Entry #46 (part seven)

Victor

Hey, everyone.

So, it's been a while, and I'm not even sure where to start. Things have been... chaotic. I guess Yuri's been keeping you up to date, and I'm sure he's told you all about my accident and everything that's been happening since, so I won't go over that again. Living it once was enough, and I'm still having nightmares about it, so... yeah. I'm trying to keep my waking hours as free from it as I can.

I haven't felt like recording anything up to now. I mean, I obviously couldn't while I was in the hospital, but since I've been home again, I haven't had the mental stamina for it, or the physical stamina either, really. Being in pain is pretty exhausting, honestly. I think I probably already knew that from taking care of Yuri, but now I understand it from personal experience. I'm not used to feeling like crap and having hardly any energy, and it sucks.

I’m confident that my arms and rib are slowly getting better, and Mom says the bruises I had on my face and shoulder and down my side are totally gone, but I'm still having brutal headaches and I still can't see properly. Julian had to set up my phone for me so I could record this. If I'm not looking right into the camera, I'm sorry, and if I'm accidentally giving all of you like, a thousand-yard stare or something, I apologize for that too.

Sometimes I think my eyes are improving, but then I'll blink or I'll try to focus on something and it's just gone again. Mostly, everything's all blurry and indistinct, as if I'm looking through one of those frosted glass shower doors. It's frustrating because not only can I not play games on my Switch or text on my phone, I can't even do stuff that doesn't require major use of my hands and arms, like watching videos or practicing my reading or even picking out audio books by myself. I have to get help finding an audio book to listen to, or a movie. I basically have to listen to movies too, which is annoying.

When I'm not in too much pain, I get bored, and without being able to do anything to distract myself, all I can do is think. I don't like that. It's too scary and depressing, especially when I start worrying about whether my life really is going to get back to normal.

I realize it's only been a little over a week since my accident — this is Monday night and it happened a week ago Friday — so I shouldn't expect too much, too soon. The doctor did say it might take a few weeks or maybe up to a month for the worst of the symptoms to resolve, after all, and I might be dealing with some aftereffects for months. She said it was a grade 4 concussion, which is the most severe type because I was unconscious for more than a full minute, and she said I've got mild swelling of the brain. That's the explanation for the bad headaches and dizziness and of course the vision problems. I'm not supposed to be doing anything strenuous, or even remotely active, really. I'm not even allowed to climb the stairs by myself until the doctor clears me to do it. Not that I can actually climb the stairs by myself anyway, but you know.

Earlier today, Yuri's dad arranged an appointment for me with the oppthalmologist that he and Mrs. Okamoto, Yuri and Yuki all go to. Her name is Dr. Ishida, and she's going to see me this coming Friday. Exactly two weeks after the accident, if you're counting. I'm hoping she gives me better news than the ophthalmologist at the hospital did.

Yeah, you didn't hear that wrong. Mr. Okamoto arranged it. Yuri was going to do it himself, but he's actually sick right now and he's not up to making important phone calls. Like, he's sick enough for the hospital, if you ask me, but I think somebody would literally have to carry him out to the car to get him there.

Managing at home when he's this ill is not ideal in my opinion, but he says he doesn't want to go to the hospital because he doesn't want to leave me. I totally get that. I don't want us to be apart either, but I'm also freaking out because I can't take care of him like I usually do, and he's not comfortable with Mom or Julian doing what I normally would. Plus, they don't know everything they should be doing for him anyway, and it's super difficult for me to explain it.

All I can say is, thank goodness for Yuri's dad.

I know what you're likely thinking. Up to now, Yuri and his father have been on really bad terms and barely spoke to each other, and Mr. Okamoto hasn’t exactly been my biggest fan either, so why am I saying I’m grateful for him? Well, the thing is, he’s surprised us all during the last several days, and not in a negative way.

Let me try to explain.

Maybe people think Yuri’s not interested in a relationship with his dad, and I guess I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing that, considering how tense things were in the past. Yuri does actually want a relationship, but he and his dad are both so stubborn that once they started resenting each other for whatever real or imagined hurt they'd caused, neither one of them was willing to let go. I think Mr. Okamoto was more at fault than Yuri for the problems between them, mostly because he didn't know how to deal with Yuri not living up to his unreasonable expectations, but to be fair, you can't have a disagreement by yourself. Yuri isn't just an innocent victim of his dad's difficult personality and crappy communication skills. He had his own part to play.

But, since my accident, we're seeing a side of Mr. Okamoto that we've never seen before. It started with him coming to the hospital right after it happened, to sign consent forms, talk to the doctors and generally deal with stuff until Yuri could get there. Then, he stayed here with Yuri while I was in the hospital, which I was grateful for. I didn't like to think about him being alone. He said it was awkward, having his father here, but also kind of reassuring in a way.

I'm glad they both seem to be softening up, at least for the moment. Yuri really needs his dad in his life, and seeing Mr. Okamoto ready and willing to help us says something about how much has changed between them in a short time.

I want to be optimistic that things are going to get better between them going forward. Anyone who didn't know the whole story would probably be inclined to be positive in this situation, and maybe I should be too. I promise I'm trying, but knowing Mr. Okamoto, I have my doubts. He's not great at consistency and he hasn't shown much interest in the past, but I guess there's always a chance this time it'll be different. For Yuri's sake, I hope so, but I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, on Saturday night after dinner, Mr. Okamoto came over to get the stuff Hana left here that morning. Apparently, Yuri had called or texted him to pick it up because he didn't want her coming back here for it herself. I'm pretty sure nobody wanted her to come back, least of all me, so I was relieved when my father-in-law took the bags and made his exit.

I'm not sure I was quite so relieved when he returned about two hours later, with bags of his own, and with Yuki in tow.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was thrilled to see Yuki. I just didn’t know what to expect with her and her father planning to stay here.

When Yuki first saw me, she ran to me and hugged me so hard that I thought she might break a few more of my ribs. Then we both cried a veritable flood while she told me she loved me and that she was glad I was alive.

I hadn't realized she was at the hospital with my friends on the day of my accident, and my heart hurt when she told me how worried she'd been. Nobody would tell her anything, she said, and when she wasn’t allowed to see me, she’d feared the worst. I said I was sorry for saying I didn't want anyone to come and see me in the hospital, and she said she understood, but I wondered if she did. In hindsight, I should've agreed to let her visit. I might've felt better after a hug from my favourite local super spy and internet personality, Yuki Okamoto.

Yuki and her father haven’t left here since Saturday night. He brought the smallest shikibuton for Yuki, and of course a normal sized one for himself, and the two of them have set up camp in the laundry room, of all places. Mom and Julian are in my room, Yuri's in his own room, and of course I'm still in the dining room, so it was the only spot left.

Mr. Okamoto said he was here to help. Nobody questioned him, not even Yuri. Since then, he's been doing all kinds of things around the house, including cooking and baking, which he's good at, and housecleaning chores, which he's not good at. Most importantly, he's doing things for Yuri, like helping him in the bathroom, and making sure he stays as nourished and hydrated as possible. Mom said he even gave him a bath this morning, which in her words, "left the upstairs bathroom looking like a small tsunami went through."

While Mom mused aloud about how he could've gotten so much water everywhere and why there were so many wet towels, and complained about the disaster area he'd left behind, I laughed so hard it hurt. I was trying to picture it, and all I could think about was the time me and Ellie were babysitting her cousins, and the four-year-old decided he wanted to be a sea monster while in the bath. We even got water on the ceiling that day, although we never mentioned it to Ellie’s aunt and uncle. I guessed Yuri probably hadn’t been anywhere near as lively as that kid had been, and it was much less likely that he’d wanted to play a game and splash around for fun, so it left me curious about the mess, too.

Bathtime tsunami notwithstanding, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thankful for Mr. Okamoto's help right now. I doubt he's anywhere close to my standards when it comes to Yuri's care, but far be it from me to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. That he's even here at all is astounding, and the fact that he basically rolled up his sleeves and plunged into the current state of madness in our home is a super big deal.

On a connected and somewhat lighter note, I'm pretty sure Julian and Mr. Okamoto are besties now. Mom still seems a little cool toward him, but he and Julian have instantly bonded over their shared interests. They both play the piano, they both love art, and apparently Mr. Okamoto is as big a science fiction and fantasy nerd as Julian. Not gonna lie, listening to the two of them geek out over video games, role playing, Llama Man comics, and classic sci-fi B movies like It Came From Sixam and Day of the Plant Sims was kind of surreal.

It was highly entertaining, having an Uncle Kaz movie marathon with them on Sunday night. We watched some of Uncle Kaz's older Japanese-language films, with English subtitles, and me and Mr. Okamoto tried our best to help Julian understand the jokes. It was fun and felt weirdly comfortable, and by the end of it, my father-in-law and future stepfather were on a first-name basis. I'm not even allowed to call my father-in-law Kenji, so obviously Julian has made a great impression.

Wait... let me backtrack a bit. Like, a lot of stuff happened before the movie marathon, and it's way more important.

On Sunday, we all slept in. Once everybody except Yuri had finally gotten out of bed, Mr. Okamoto and Yuki made rice, eggs and grilled fish for breakfast, and it was so good. Mom had to feed most of my meal to me, but Yuki and I figured out a way for me to grip a spoon without using my thumb, so with her guidance, I was able to feed myself a bowl of rice. It was strange not using chopsticks, and I still feel embarrassed about getting help to eat, but I'm learning to accept it. It’s only temporary, and things could be a lot worse, right?

But, I digress.

After breakfast, Julian helped me upstairs so I could lie down and cuddle with Yuri for a while, and try to figure out just how ill he was. I knew it was serious the night before, when he didn’t come downstairs to share my mattress in the dining room, but I didn’t know the extent of it until I could see him and physically touch him.

To my dismay, it was way worse than I’d expected. He’d been unwell for a couple of weeks before my accident, and I realized he’d been declining, but this was really bad. It blew my mind how he’d managed to hide the true severity of his pain from me, but I reminded myself that I hadn’t exactly been in a fit state to notice every little nuance of his demeanour and body language like I normally would.

Obviously, he’d been forcing himself to do everything he thought he had to do instead of resting and taking care of himself, and by Saturday night his body didn’t have enough fight left in it. His immune system is weak at the best of times, and it’s like he’s constantly pushing through a state of nearly always being mildly unwell, but this had clearly been a headlong rush into a full-on crash. There was no way he hadn’t seen this coming, even if I hadn’t.

Once I was settled in bed with him, I let him lay on top of me the way he likes, even though it made my cracked rib hurt like hell. It was pointless to say anything or to try stopping him. He was so out of it, he probably didn't even realize what he was doing and just instinctively crawled onto me, seeking any bit of familiarity and human closeness he could find. I felt bad for him because even though I was in discomfort, I knew he was in far more pain than I was. I could feel heat radiating off his skin, and every time I moved even slightly, he whimpered.

I wished with every fibre of my being that I could make all his suffering disappear. I hated that he was so sick, and that it was at least partly my fault for not paying better attention to him and letting it get to this point without insisting that he needed rest and medical attention.

"This isn't good, Yuri," I told him, after I’d inadvertently shifted my weight, and he literally cried out from either the movement itself or the abrupt change of pressure against his stomach.

“Don’t… don’t do that,” he gasped. “Hurts. Gonna make me throw up.”

Normally, I might make a joke about him throwing up in bed, but this was not a laughing situation. “If you have to, tell me. I’ll yell for your dad.”

“Please… don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. His tears were soaking through my t-shirt, and I felt helpless to comfort him. “Do you want to lay a different way? It might be less uncomfortable if you’re lying on your side or your back.”

“Wanna lie like this. With our whole bodies touching.”

“We can do that with you on your side,” I said. “You can be the little spoon.”

“Don’t wanna be the little spoon.” And to prove how adamant he was about it, he curled his fingers around a fistful of my shirt, as if daring me to pry him loose. I could feel his little hand trembling against my shoulder .

I rubbed small lines on his back with my fingertips. It felt inadequate, but it was all I could do with my arm in a cast. “Yuri,” I said. “Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Yeah,” was the weak reply.

"You need to see a doctor.”

“Don't want to.”

“You can’t go on like this. You need help, and you need to be somewhere where somebody can take care of you properly.”

"No..." He dragged out the single English syllable in a long whine before continuing in barely intelligible Japanese, "Want you to take care of me."

"I can't, sweet baby," I said. "I love you so much and I want to do everything for you, and I really I wish I could, but this is too much for either of us right now. You need to be where somebody can tend to you night and day, and I think you're gonna need medicine and intravenous fluids to help you get better."

"No," he repeated.

"Yes," I insisted. "Remember last time you were this sick? You needed fluids and antibiotics, and your doctor said the hospital was the best place for you."

"Don't want antibiotics. Make me feel worse."

"I know, but only for a short time. After that, you'll start feeling better a lot quicker. Let your dad take you to the hospital so you can get better?”

“No.”

“I’m worried about you, Yuri. Please.”

"Don't wanna be alone." he said.

"You wouldn't be alone. Me and Mom and Julian would all take turns staying with you. I think even your dad would. He's really stepped up lately, you know."

"Gotta tell him..." Yuri said, but then seemed to lose the thought, and mumbled something that sounded like, "My violin."

I smiled despite the circumstances. "You have to tell your dad about your violin? What about it?"

He let out a little grunt of frustration and tugged feebly at my shirt. "Victor!"

"I'm here."

"Listen."

"I'm listening, love."

"My violin case. Tell Papa..." He trailed off momentarily, as if he was trying to think of how to make the most impact with as few words as possible. "In my violin case. Look. It's important."

"Okay," I agreed.

"Thank you," he whispered. And then, "Love you. Just... wanna protect you."

"I know," I said. "I love you too."

"Please... tell Papa. Promise."

"I promise."

That satisfied him, and he let out a long, shaky breath that was half sigh and half moan. "Gonna sleep," he murmured. He was still clutching my shirt, but it didn't take long before I felt his fingers relax.

I lay awake, thinking. I couldn't imagine what would be in Yuri's violin case other than his violin, and why it'd be so important for his father to see it, but he was so insistent that I figured I'd better not ignore his request. Besides, I promised, and you guys know how I hate breaking promises, especially ones I've made to Yuri.

When I was sure he was sound asleep, I eased him off me as carefully as I could, and then climbed out of bed. It took me a second to orient myself, and then a few more seconds to crawl my way over to where Yuri usually keeps his violin case, on the floor next to his dresser. I could make out the shape of it, and to my surprise, the distinct shape of his violin on its stand next to it. He almost never leaves his violin out for long periods of time. I didn't know when he'd practiced last, but it definitely hadn't been since I got out of the hospital. He wouldn't have left it out since Thursday, so I guessed he must've taken it out sometime on Saturday.

But why?

Cursing my clumsy fingers, I fumbled with the latch of the case for a minute or two. I let out my breath when I finally got it open.

What I found inside was something I totally did not expect. It was a beige file folder stuffed with papers.

I didn't dare try to lift it out by myself, fearing that I'd end up spilling the contents all over the floor. I knew I wouldn't be able to read anything, but I had to soothe my curiosity anyway, so I hooked my fingers under the cover of the folder and flipped it open.

I'll admit, had no idea what to make of it when I thought I saw two passports inside. Why would Yuri have our passports in a folder like this? He’d said he wanted to protect me, but surely that didn’t include leaving the country? Neither of us were in any shape for that. I didn’t understand.

I probably would've panicked if my bruised brain hadn't suddenly registered the fact that both passports were red. The covers of Canadian passports are dark blue, so neither of these could've been mine, and if mine wasn't there then Yuri's wasn't either. Even if either of us could travel, he wouldn't go anywhere without me. I was sure of that.

But, that only begged the question, whose passports were they? And what was Yuri doing with them?

Obviously, it wasn't something he was trying to hide from me, or he wouldn't have directed me to them and asked me to tell his father. The thing was, there was no way in hell I was going to show anything to Mr. Okamoto until I knew what it was myself.

Since I couldn't read the papers, and I couldn't ask Yuri about them, I decided there was only one thing to do. I made my way the short distance back to the bed, and then felt around carefully on the nightstand to locate Yuri's phone. I was glad we'd activated voice dialling on both our phones a few days ago, as that was going to make my mission a whole lot easier.

I had to concentrate to remember how Yuri had listed my mother in his contacts, but once I got it, I said aloud into the silence of the room, "Hey, Siri. Call Dr. Grace."

Mom answered on the second ring, and she sounded both confused and worried. "Yuri? Is everything okay, sweetheart? Why are you calling me from upstairs?"

"Mom, it's me," I said. "Yuri's sleeping. Everything's pretty much as you'd expect, but... can you come up, please? I need your help with something important."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'll show you in a minute. Please, just come up. I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”

That last sentence came out weird, like a line from a badly-scripted TV show, but I didn’t waste brainpower stressing over it. I had a feeling I’d need to save my mental energy to deal with whatever I was about to learn about the passports and Yuri’s folder full of mystery papers.

"Okay," Mom said. "Hang on. I'll be right there."

[weebsinstash]

UR OC ISN'T PLS TELL US MORE I LOVE HIM ALREADY

❤❤❤ aw thank you! Honestly I wanted to share more but that post was getting too long and I hate not being able to use readmores on asks on mobile 😳 i can really infodunp when im into something or inspired 😳 I guess I can just share some general random facts too though!

1. He's fairly tall but not very physically strong as a result of growing up borderline malnourished, so for say, fights, he relies mostly on weapons and underhanded methods. Tasers, hidden syringes with drugs, a concealed carry which he has a permit for. The main and go-to weapon in his arsenal really is his ability to put on a mask and deceive people

2. His overall demeanor is fairly friendly but like, in a fake way. He's all ^w^ outwardly but inside he's pretty apathetic. He's cordial to you because you usually aren't significant enough to warrant the effort of changing his usual disguise of "pleasant neighborhood doctor" and if he doesn't like you, well, there's a chance you might not be able to tell until he gets you alone and by then it might be too late

3. His eyes are all creepy and orange because 1, it's sort of because he's based on the trope of "never opens their eyes unless they're being scary, so their eyes are pretty intimidating", 2, because if Peter can have that tongue and that be normal in universe than orange eyes probably don't mean that much, and 3, I've been catching up on Kobayashi's Dragon Maid and I like Tohru's eyes.

Lucoa was also inspiration too! 'Mr' in his default personality acts very sort of bystanderly and pleasantly aloof much like her as well as, you know, the eye thing

4. He's meticulously studied law as a passing interest and also to help him with his, erm, endeavors. This mf is full on the kind of guy like "well officer as you can see by title 420-24/7 of the penal code that i let this person know they were threatening me and I defended myself accordingly when they didn't leave :)". He uses his booksmarts for murder ALL the time

5. The silver necklace he wears is a childhood birthday present from his mom. It was all she could afford to get him that year and he cherishes it more than anything else (besides his darling). Seriously though, even as his darling if you like, deliberately broke it or anything, he's going to paddle your ass raw and be very distant and cold for like, WEEKS. Anyone less gets. Horrible physical violence

6. You know those scenes in horror movies where there's like an evil doctor who can dissect people and commit atrocities without blinking because he basically doesn't see his "patients" as people? That's this guy. Once you've crossed him you're no different than a pest or an animal and he'll dispose of you as such

7. I haven't decided what his medical specialty is but he would either be some sort of a surgeon or something like a dermatologist (because he has a thing about cleanliness and it's unassuming and innocent enough while also giving him experience in cutting people open)

8. He likes animals! But he can still have His Moments where he's not always the best to them. Say he has some competition for his darling and they happened to own a snake or a dog or such. Well, if they happened to get poisoned somehow, they would simply be collateral damage in defeating his rival :)

9. I'm trying to think of what kind of pet he would have and I'm stuck between venomous snake, venomous spider, and a salt water tank with like fish and eels and maybe an octopus. I like the idea of him having a "scary" pet that he harvests venom from to use in his murders that also make him harder to track down

10. I don't know whether I would classify him as pan or demi? He doesn't have any gender or sex preference, and he can have sex for like the pleasure and activity of it, but in terms of being aroused and like YEARNING for his partner? That's a darling-only privilege: you have to win his heart first and then like. That's it, he's a simp for you.

11. He ain't gonna do anything like criminally mega nasty like cumming in your food or like stealing used hygiene products but he does have a stalker shrine with mementos like strands of your hair, a toothbrush, used underwear, like, "tamer" but still unsettling things.

12. He likes classical/orchestral music and he plays the piano 🥰 he's definitely composed more than one song about his darling and how they make him feel

13. I can't say for certain yet if Mr would win against Peter but just as a hypothetical for funsies scenario, I'm pretty sure he would probably lose against @semisolidmind 's DJ just because DJ is strong enough to not be over-powered and is probably perceptive enough to tell Mr has something funny about him and wouldn't let his guard down enough to give Mr the opportunity to take him down. Unless Mr just pulled out his gun but like, that's kind of his last resort weapon since it's harder to cover up/explain away to cops

14. I haven't decided on an exact age but Mr is in his late 20s to early 30s. He owns a home and a car, probably something cute and unassuming like a VW Beetle

So yeah, there's some more stuff about him /)(\ I'll probably draw and share more in the future cause I've been trying to kick my ass into being productive and it's fun so... yeah 🥰

[eusuntgratie]

4, 10, 13, 17, 18, 25, 27, 36 sorry they're good and stuff.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

hahahaha i know this isn't the intent of the question but y'all already know it's baby. got hit with that first baby in a buddie wip i'm reading and felt myself physically swoon.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

um. i feel like there's definitely things i'm not thinking of but the your blue eyed boys series and its sequel series. god. i think about it all the time. i used to re-read the whole thing every year but i haven't in awhile. something about steve's complete and utter dedication to bucky, his tenacity in figuring out a way to help him despite having no fucking clue where to start just does something to me. the things they carried kind of collectively fucked up my entire friend group in high school. this is me trying haunts me. tiny houses. oof. there are definitely more not-fic examples but i can't think of them atm bc i barely read anything besides fic lately.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

maybe grief. i have a hard time putting the small quiet moments of loving someone into words. things that resonate with me personally are sometimes easier to write and sometimes harder, it just depends how i'm doing and what i'm writing.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

okay i'm gonna talk about shadow even though i'm not really actively writing it right now bc i've been thinking about it for REASONS and bc its my beefiest wip. its one of the million fics spawned by a buddie playlist you made me (MWAH!) inspired by one particular song on there. a very specific scene of baby eddie at a college party with his sister meeting a very out and very queer and slightly older buck and just losing his whole ass mind came to me on my work commute.

so basically the fic started with this mental image of buck in a crop top and glitter - you can see him here lovingly drawn by @demonlandline 😍😍😍 like the image was SO clear in my head and still is and i still can't believe i get to look at him eep

but then its sort of spiralled out into this much larger story of eddie exploring his queerness and facing the ideas of who he was supposed to be and i think i'm probably gonna project a lot of my catholic bullshit and thoughts about my own queerness and all the other reasons i am obsess about eddie into the story. and i think it will be a beast to write, because there will be some fun scenes and i'm planning for a lot of smut but there will be a lot of heavy shit too. so it'll be awhile before i can focus on it but. i'm excited about it.

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

i was really really nervous to write Q, because I'd never really fleshed out an OC before but mostly because they're nonbinary and i'm cis and i just didn't want to fuck up.

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

sex?! hah. there's a reason i'm so comfortable writing smut. 🤷🏻‍♀️ parenting. healthy communication and healthy romantic relationships. i guess i could write more about gardening or sewing or taking care of an iguana or cooking or any of my other weird/random experiences/interests but i don't think i've really worked any of that into my writing yet. i definitely know way too much about higher education in the us but i have no interest at all in writing about that :)

okay i skipped two bc this is hella long and i'm afraid tumblr will eat it before i can post

weird writer asks | ask me

[thesweatzone]

BACKSTORY and FITNESS PROGRAM

BACKSTORY:

I have always struggled with my weight. I was never overweight to a point where I would have troubles with my health but it did limit some of my abilities and it lowered my self-esteem. I was really overweight as a child but then my rapid growth caused me to look slimmer than before and I was only round. Basically I was and still pretty much am skinny fat.

About two years ago I decided I wanted to become skinnier, so I started working out more. I realized now that being skinny is far from my goal and I truly want to be healthy and have a strong body but working out did give me solid foundation on which I explored my interests in sports, which I never liked before. I found the ones I actually enjoyed and the ones I did not enjoy quite that much. I started losing some fat. But then I became lazy and the fat came back.

This repeated itself many times throughout those two years. I slowly realized my biggest problem were my eating habits. I was really picky when it came to food and I always chose the wrong one. I also binged, then ate very little for a while and binged again. I even contributed to the weight gain with drinking smaller amounts of water than I should have and my sleeping schedule was all over the place. I realized only working out won't do that much. At least not for me.

I slowly started incorporating better foods into my diet and changing up my lifestyle but I never committed enough to see it through until the end and obtain obvious results. I was also very confused where and how to start, because there is so much information out there about what is right and wrong. The main problem was that I didn't give any program I created for myself time so that I could actually see results and see if it works.

 RIGHT NOW:

Now I want to stick to my plan for longer than one or two months at a time. I want to achieve results that will last and work on my confidence too. I am currently 173 cm tall (which is roughly 5,8 feet) and I weigh 65 kg (roughly 143 pounds). Though I am tall I feel like I am quite heavy since I do not have that much muscle mass so the lbs are higher than I wish they would be, because of fat. I have stubborn belly fat while I'm not really visibly round in any other areas of my body as much. Of course you cannot spot reduce (I will write about that in one of my future posts too) so I will have to lower my body fat percentage and gain a lot of muscle mass in general to see the belly fat disappearing too, since I am striving for a stronger not skinnier body.

Right now I'm in a good place, though I still have many things to focus on to perfect my daily routine. I've been working since the start of the year (6th January, 2020) and lost 4,5kg (roughly 10 pounds) in five weeks. I constructed a workout and diet plan for me as well as I could, since I haven't got that much control over a lot of things going on in my life because I'm still in school and have work to focus on besides my fitness goals, though I am trying to make them a bigger priority in my life.

Some people said that this program seemed a bit challenging for a beginner when they took a first look at it. That's why I wrote a short paragraph in which I spoke about my work out habits above. They are not that bad and I tend to work out quite a lot so I’m not in such a bad shape - food will be a bigger issue for me. If the program seems though for you and you do your workouts completely differently, I encourage you to continue doing it your way. The same goes for if you think it is too easy. I designed this the way I did, because I know what I am capable of right now and what I would like to be capable of in the future.

 MY PROGRAM:

Duration: 8 months (until the end of August)

Goal: Build strength and muscle mass, achieve a flatter belly and leaner physique, gain confidence, build better habits

 Workouts:

I've tried many workouts on the internet already and I decided to follow some good fitness channels on Youtube and follow their work out videos, since I don’t have time to go to an actual gym. I will link them in some future posts. I made a weekly workout schedule too.

On Mondays I do half an hour to an hour of yoga targeting my core (abs), on Tuesdays I do body weight exercises targeting the legs and the glutes, on Wednesday I have another day of body weight exercises targeting the abs and on Fridays I have weightlifting to strengthen my arms and back.

I also have one active rest day every week when I am allowed to do nothing or just some light cardio. That is Thursday for me, because I arrive home late (around 7 p.m.) and it's the day that is the most tiring for me in the whole week.

On weekends I have one scheduled full body workout on Saturdays. I usually do pilates or some HIIT workouts. On Sundays I can take a day of if I feel like it, because I don't want to push myself over the edge but if I feel alright I do an hour of cardio.

Speaking of cardio, it is one of my favourite workout categories because I love to run, dance, hike, swim… and these are all workouts that fall into the category. I try to do cardio at least three times a week even if it isn’t scheduled (just because I actually enjoy doing it) but if the weather is nice I take a walk everyday anyway, since I like some peace to think and be alone.

Through the week I work out at around��6 p.m. and on the weekends in the morning or at least before noon.

 Dieting:

For me it is really hard to meal prep since I am in high school and I have a lot of my meals prepared for me by other people. I evaluated my eating habits and realized I consume too much sugar and carbs and my diet lacks fiber. I can’t completely follow a low-carb diet but I will be aiming towards consuming less carbs and try to eat food which is low in sugar and high in protein and fiber.

I also challenged myself to eliminate all sugar I could from my diet for at least 40 days but I can happily say that I'm already on day 45 (I started on the 6th of January) – I decided to just continue with it and try to reach 70 days. I planned it for a long time and I can say I am quite satisfied with the outcome. I've tried including a lot of healthy foods, vegetables and high protein foods and minimize foods with a lot of carbs but there are days when I just don't have the option to eat anything but something high in carbs or not as healthy as I would wish it would be. 

If you want to, I will definitely write a post about what I eat in a week after I test it out, see how effective it is and perfect it completely. 

I have already tried intermittent fasting (will be explained in future posts) in the past once and it worked miracles for me. I felt more energized, way less bloated and I felt better in general. I will incorporate it into my diet again I decided to do a 16:8 ratio – I eat in a time frame of 8 hours. That equals 16 hours of fasting where I don't consume any food I just drink a cup of green tea in the morning.

 Drink:

I used to drink very small amounts of water throughout the day but I carry my water bottle with me everywhere I go now and I try to drink as much as possible. These are my main rules for drinking:

-drink 2 water bottles of water a day

-one cup of green tea in the morning (or lemonade)

-don't drink milk in the evening

 Sleep:

I try to go to sleep before 11 pm and get up around 6 or 7 am. For me it is pretty hard, because I am a night owl, but I do try, since I see a big difference in my energy and ability to work efficiently throughout the day.

…

That is how I designed my workout and diet program. All details will be specified in further chapters since it is still a bit rough around the edges (especially the diet part), but I cannot meal prep since it is really hard for me to prepare my own food. 

I thought I should explain what and how I'm doing everything, since I will be writing about it. This is a basic overview and I didn't really go into detail. If you want me to be more precise, especially about my eating habits and how I'm trying to change them, I will make a post about it. This is just my story and my program. I can't guarantee any of these things would work for you or your body but maybe you will get any idea or find some useful information. You now know my story and my goals.

I always struggled with my self-esteem and body image but I am on the path to changing everything and I want to share the lessons I'm learning and my story with you. I hope it motivates you and you can see you are not alone. You should also remember that even though my measurements and fitness goals don't match yours and you maybe see different numbers than me, you aren't working any less hard or doing anything wrong nor should you be discouraged. We are all on our individual journeys and you have the exact same chance of reaching your goals as I do or anyone else reading this blog.

Whenever I start doubting myself I just avert my thoughts somewhere else because I am positive we all can do this. Remember to love yourself no matter your weight. We are all beautiful and what we are doing and the changes we're making are only to better ourselves physically and mentally but our weight or appearance doesn't define us nor does it define our worth.

Thank you for joining me on this journey!

-M

[datingadviceonreddit]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for four months, but we haven't even kissed or held hands yet. He's very awkward, so I'm afraid of making him feel uncomfortable, and I suspect that I'm his first proper girlfriend so I don't want to rush or pressurise him. I'm 24 and he's 19, and I feel like the age gap is very significant. I'm approaching the age where I'm looking for a proper adult relationship, but it feels like I'm dating a child sometimes. I thought that the age gap wouldn't be too much of an issue, but over time, his lack of experience has caused quite a few problems - both on a physical and emotional level, and I feel completely isolated and deprived of affection. I thought that things would improve if we were officially in a relationship, but we actually seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. I've never had to face this issue before, because literally every guy I've been with has been relatively forward and proactive about their physical or emotional interests in me, and I'm quite shy so I struggle with 'making moves' on people, especially if I have no idea if the other person even wants me to. His lack of experience means that I've deliberately taken things much slower than I usually would, but after four months, there's still not been any progression within any aspect of our relationship. I have no idea how to communicate my concerns, because he's already extremely sensitive and anxious, and the last thing I want to do is make him feel even more uncomfortable. I've posted this on a few different subreddits because I'd like as many perspectives and as much advice as possible really - so that I can get a general consensus as to whether I'm right or wrong to feel the way I do.I'm pretty sure that he's a virgin, whereas I'm five years older than him and have had many boyfriends in the past - two of which were incredibly abusive. I've been sexually involved with more than my fair share of people, whereas I get the impression that nobody has ever showed an interest in my boyfriend in that way, so I already feel like we're not on the same wavelength because we're both at very different stages in our lives. At first, I thought that it was sweet and slightly flattering that he was so inexperienced, and it was cute that he was moving so slowly with me, but there's such a thing as going 'too' slow. As time has gone by, our relationship just makes me feel more and more inadequate and anxious. We've been together for four months now, but we haven't kissed or even held hands yet. It says that we're in a relationship on Facebook so I'm not just imagining that it's something that it's not haha! Again, I know that he's not used to all of this, and I don't want to pressurise him, so I've been waiting for him to initiate things. I knew that it'd take time for him to adjust to dating, but I just feel like I'm wasting my time with him and I'm quickly losing interest.We haven't been on many dates - we see each other once every week or fortnight, but all we really do is walk around town for hours and end up in McDonalds, and as a 24 year old woman, I feel like I deserve a bit more excitement and sophistication than that. For our first ever date, he told me that we were going for a drink - I thought we might go to Starbucks or Costa, but he took me to the in-store cafe at Asda, where a pot of tea only costs £1, and I felt really overdressed and undignified. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated that I went home and lied to my Mum about where we'd gone together. It was also the most disgusting cup of tea I've ever tasted haha, but I plodded through because I genuinely enjoyed his company. There's nothing wrong with cheap dates, but I just want to date someone who I can have fun with, but hanging out with my boyfriend feels more like a chore - it's something that I just tolerate because I feel like it's more of an obligation than anything else.He invited me to go for a meal on Valentine's day - it turns out that we were going to Pizza Hut, which was an anti-climax and disappointing to say the least. He even kicked up a fuss about spending £1.99 on dessert, even though I offered to pay, and I just felt really cheap and not very special at all. He also tried to convince me to order from the kids menu. We were surrounded by 12 year olds on their first ever dates, and it was just really awkward and I felt a little bit humiliated. I thought that we'd definitely kiss on Valentine's day, but he could barely manage an awkward hug as we said goodbye. He gave me a single bar of dairy milk chocolate for Christmas, whereas I spent quite a lot of money and put a lot of thought into my gifts for him. I've visited his house a couple of times, but all we did was sit in his lounge and talk to his parents about the war for six hours. His cat was sick on me, and my boyfriend's initial reaction was to run away in disgust instead of helping to clean it up. When I'm around his house, he never says a word to me, and he sits at the opposite end of the room, so it feels more of an interrogation than anything else. He invited himself over to my house a few weeks ago - and again, I thought we'd probably kiss if we were in private - but all he did was sit awkwardly on the very edge of my bed for an hour, before his parents randomly turned up to take him home.We've never even come close to a kiss, and I feel like it's too late and the time has passed now anyway. I've waited for four months and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I've made it really obvious that I like intimacy, but he's expressed no interest at all in any sort of physical or emotional closeness. He avoids acknowledging any comments regarding kissing, sex, or other signs of affection - he seems to get very flustered and changes the subject immediately. It's reached a point where I feel like I can't totally be myself around him, because I like to make 'controversial' jokes or comments about sex etc, but obviously I can't when I'm around him, and I feel like I have to be careful about what I write on social media in case he reads too much into things.I don't even remotely feel like he's my boyfriend - it feels like we're just friends, but with this very awkward tension between us. We awkwardly hug once when we say hello, and once when we say goodbye - other than that, we barely even graze elbows. He very rarely compliments me, and we don't even talk most days, so we're not even close on an emotional level. He's had a few bad days over the last four months, but he never opens up to me. He goes silent whenever he's upset, even though he knows that I'm there for him and that he can talk to me about anything. There's no romance or intimacy whatsoever, and it's starting to affect my confidence and self-esteem. I'm also starting to resent the fact that I wake up early and spend ages getting dressed up just to go to McDonalds and watch him eat a Happy Meal (I'm a vegetarian so McDonalds is wasted on me haha). I used to be really excited about seeing him, but over the past few months, I've begun to enjoy his company less and less, and I'm now actively putting off dates because I find them/him so boring and I'm really confused about our relationship.I've been in two long-term abusive relationships in the past which have really knocked my confidence, so intimacy is a bit of an issue with me anyway - I'm used to the guy making the first move, and I know how anxious he must feel, so I've basically been waiting for him to be ready, but I can't wait forever. I have no idea where I stand with him, how he feels about me, and what he wants from a relationship. Whenever we meet, he always has to leave at 4pm so that he can get home and feed his cat haha! I was meant to be meeting him in town the other day, but there was a storm outside so I waited in a cafe - I told him where I was and all he said was: "ok okay", then I saw him walk past the window whilst he was pretending that he wasn't in town. I bumped into him in town again today, and he could barely make eye contact with me and seemed in a rush to get going. His emotional maturity, social interactions, interests and behaviour are the same as mine when I was 13 or 14, and subsequently, it feels like I'm dating a child sometimes.It just feels like he's way too inexperienced, and I already feel really weird about the age gap etc. I really don't want to end up resenting him for wasting my time, and I don't want to carry on seeing him whilst I have all of these doubts in my head. Bless him, he's absolutely clueless when it comes to dating - I thought that it was cute at first, but it quickly became quite stressful and overwhelming. He doesn't seem to be aware of a lot of very standard and basic etiquette, and I appreciate that he has a lot to learn, but I'm really not at a stage in my life where I have the time or energy to teach a guy how he should treat a girl etc. I've been in that situation before and it was exhausting. I knew that he was inexperienced before we started going out, so I didn't expect much, and there've been a lot of times when I overlooked his behaviour because of this, but it's really started to feel a bit ridiculous and I feel unwanted and trapped. I think he'd be better suited for a girl who also hasn't had much dating experience so that it'd be a bit more equal and balanced.I genuinely like this guy - we have a lot in common, and I'm sure he's lovely and I'm quite attracted to him, but I can't help but feel like something is very off. I really liked him at first, but now I feel like the opportunity and the spark have gone. I guess I'm just not into him as much as I originally thought I was, but I still feel really guilty about it. Our relationship is pretty much non-existent - we might as well just be friends. The whole situation is so awkward and confusing that I now feel incredibly anxious from something so minor as receiving a text from him. I know that this is his first proper relationship so I'm really scared to hurt his feelings, but I just find myself avoiding him nowadays. I've cancelled our last three dates, mostly because I've been trying to work out what I should do or say to him. I'm probably pushing him away because I know that I need to break up with him, but I'm really worried about how he'll react, and I'd rather let him down gently. If the situation were a bit different, and maybe if he was a bit older and slightly more experienced then I'm sure it would have worked out a lot better. I feel much lonelier now than I ever felt when I was single. I feel like I'm tied down to someone who can barely even hug me, and I know it's awful of me, but I'd rather be single and have the freedom to do my own thing and not feel quite so trapped. I have no idea how I should discuss all of this with him as he's very sensitive - I'm worried that he'd just crumble at the first hurdle - but I feel like breaking up would be the fairest thing for both of us.Update: Thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice that I've been given - it genuinely means a lot, and I'm taking all of your comments on board. I'm definitely planning to break up with him within the next couple of days, but I have no idea how I should handle it. His anxiety is so intense that he becomes physically unwell whenever he's upset, so I feel like doing it in person would just make things worse for him. I don't know whether I should tell him the whole truth as to why it isn't working for me, or whether I should fob him off with the whole "it's not you, it's me" line. I know that it's going to really affect his mental health, and I'm really going to struggle coping with the guilt of having hurt him.TL;DR - I've been with my boyfriend for four months, but we haven't even kissed or held hands yet. He's five years younger than me, and I'm certain that he's a virgin so I've been trying not to rush or pressurise him, but there's no physical or emotional affection whatsoever between us. He's an extremely sensitive and anxious person and I'm terrified of hurting him, but I've lost interest in being in a relationship with him. I don't know what to do or how I'm supposed to feel. via /r/dating_advice