#and i have been neglecting my website for most of the year

[cyberneticdryad]

i don't really want to play persona 5 again because i maybe stressed myself out trying to get the perfect run on the first go, but also i really want to vibe and play persona 5 again

[3liza]

I feel very defensive about the "goth is bougie" shit because it is historically incorrect, yes, but also and more personally, because it just erases the generations of goth kids who grew up in trailer parks and project housing or just straight up homeless, helping each other out.

it's specifically such a supportive subculture for poor and neglected kids and I really fucking hate that this has been revised and erased. juggalos and goths are very culturally close and many subcultural people are both, and juggalos have the same (and, I would argue, even better defined) culture of collective support. the Skids in Letterkenny are not made up for the show, that's just a real type of rural subcultural person. this has also been forgotten in the interim but in the 90s and 00s we didn't even really refer to OURSELVES as "goths" very much except in a joking way. goths had regional endonyms (like "skids" or "trenchies") even if they could all go to a convention or a club in a city and in that context be all called "goths" together, once they went back home they would go back to being whatever the locals called them or whatever they called themselves. this is a whole linguistics and sociology subtopic that's out of scope for a Tumblr post but is sort of related.

my point is that people who wore actual rags, and sharpie instead of nail polish, and wet n wild eyeliner instead of black lipstick, and dyed their hair with markers or food coloring or kool-aid, were and are the core of the goth scene. the majority of the pictures the mallgoth blogs are posting are from catalogs, fashion shows, costume events, yearly balls and fetes like Wave Gothik Treffen, and other places where people save up literally all year, or many years in a row, to put together ONE outfit. and there's nothing wrong with that, personally I'm proud and pleased that our hard work is being recognized and preserved. but just like formal studio photographs from the Victorian era, it is not representative of the daily or even weekly (for clubs) reality of people in the scene, some of whom were completely out of goth clothing during the day or week just to fit in at work or sometimes just to get along without being bothered at home by family members who thought the Cure was Satanic.

the people who RUN the scenes, the promoters and DJs and gogo dancers and independent designers and people who run the mailing lists and websites, the people who organize the room parties at conventions, and yes even most of the original Burning Man camps like Thunderdome, they mostly live in poverty. especially if they're young. when people organize club nights and shows, they're lucky if they break even. I wasn't aware of any of this until I started working at DNA Lounge in San Francisco, which hosts one of the oldest goth nights in the country, Death Guild. I got to know the owner of DNA well enough to find out about the financial reality of the entire scene, even the people who own the means of production and the actual property in this case, and it's not lucrative. I mean, it sometimes is, if you're running a bar for normal people and have investment captain etc, but the majority of legit subculture economics is just barely breaking even. every single event is 90% volunteer labor.

the issue of labor is maybe the confusing thing for the zoomers who are confused. goth outfits take actual physical work. maybe the Aspirational Spectacle of Labor that makes up most of TikTok has made it appear unreal to the audience rather than something you can just sit down and do?

it takes forty seconds to make the fishnet tights into a shirt. you don't need instructions, you really can just look at it and figure it out. then you think, hm, if I can make fishnets into a shirt I wonder what other things I can turn into something else. your brain will amaze you. my mom would save her tights from her formal work outfits for me when they got holes or whatever and I would just go crazy with scissors and safety pins. lots of young designers are getting attention for this layered, tights-n-pins look at the moment and it really is a fantastic aesthetic but I wonder if people think there's something special about the people who make these clothes? there isn't. you can just do it at home while you watch trashy youtubes.

one time, around 2008 or so, @gothiccharmschool and I were at the photoshoot for tabletop RPG Unhallowed Metropolis. we were there with a bunch of local goths to all make the pictures for this book together. we had all brought tons of our costumes from home to cobble together outfits for the book illustrations, and there was a moment when I just handed Jilli a pile of black skirts and some pins and said hey Jilli, could you please make me up a bustle skirt for this model real quick while I shoot these other models? and of course she did, and they were beautiful, because she knows exactly what she's doing, and because that's all a bustle is: it's a way of bunching up a skirt with another skirt. you can do it at home. you don't need instructions or to hire a seamstress or watch a video. you can just look at something and say hm does it look like a bustle? let's drape it and play with it and pin whatever works. and then you wear it for the photoshoot, or to the club!!! and then next week you pin it a different way and it's a cape instead and you wear it again!!!!!!!

[visionofhope04]

Here for the angst of neglected batsis, imagine or hc them of moving out if the house when they are 18 and let's say they meet some spirit and they have their memory wiped and transfer to the marvel universe to restart their life and more happy, then the dc/marvel merge together because of a big threat and batfam sees batsis is heavily pregnant and married to our favorite deadpool charater Colossus?

How would they reached if batsis just can't remember them and keeps on telling them they have the wrong person?

I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK. Guess who's back!! Sorry it took me so long to get this out, I haven't had the motivation to write until recently. Also OOC warning bc I don't really know him well besides the Deadpool movies. I almost freaked out bc I haven't used the tumblr website in so long and it got updated so I thought I lost all my drafts. So glad they're still here, whew. Not beta read so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes!

---

It's been a year since moving into your apartment and you couldn't be happier. College was going well and you were taking classes you enjoyed. However, you haven't made any friends yet which led you to spend your free time reading or surfing the web. Jason didn't come by much due to having his own life and vigilante things, which you understood. It didn't mean you couldn't be a little bit sad about it though.

Even though you were enjoying your life, you still felt as if there was something missing. You'd been trying to figure out why you had felt this way but nothing came to mind. Any time you tried to brush off the feeling, it came back stronger. You did your best to ignore it and continue on with life, but it was always there, nagging you.

It had been a long day. College was so stressful. Your professors kept hurling projects at you that had deadlines that were practically impossible to meet. You just wanted it to end already and be on summer break. Then, you’d be able to sleep how long you wanted to without the fear of being late for class or forgetting to complete an assignment.

You sat down at your desk and pulled out your laptop, preparing to continue an essay that was due in three days. Suddenly, you began to feel nauseous. Confused, you attempted to ignore the feeling in favor of completing the essay. A few seconds after trying to focus on your laptop screen, you saw a bright light.

"My child, you will be saved from this life." A strangely comforting voice said.

Then everything faded to black.

---

"Hello?!"

A voice. A voice? But you live alone and no one has the spare key to your apartment. You slowly opened your eyes, groaning and quickly shutting them again once a bright light blinded you.

"Oh you're alive, thank God. Can you speak?" Whoever this was seemed to have been panicking before, slightly less though now that you had indicated you were alive. You groan as you push yourself up off of what seems to be concrete. Concrete? You're definitely not in your apartment. You crack your eyes open again, this time with less difficulty, and come face to face with white lenses of a mask. Blinking again, you register that the lenses are attached to a red material with black lines.

"Ah!"

"AH!" The figure yells and jumps back, startled by your sudden surprise.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" You asked, tilting your head slightly to the side.

"What do you mean? I'm Spiderman." His voice was a bit high pitched, he sounded like a teen at most.

"Spiderman? You've got to be joking. There is no Spiderman. Go home kid, crime fighting isn't a game." Sure, you may be a hypocrite, seeing as you are an ex-assassin who began learning how to kill at around 5, but at least you had training. What did this Spiderman have? From how startled he was, you assumed he had barely been trained, if at all.

“What? I'm literally Spiderman! I'm Queens' hero!"

"Queens, New York?" You thought you'd still be in New Jersey at least.

"Uh yeah. I don't think there are any other places called Queens that have a Spiderman."

"Again, Spiderman? Seriously? You couldn't think of a better name at least?"

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with Spiderman!"

"Sure kid, keep telling yourself that."

He was about to protest when suddenly, someone else dropped into the alley.

"Hey Spidey, who's this lovely lady?" A person in an all red with black suit with two swords on his back and guns strapped to his waist called out. The person seemed to be a male, around 30 years old.

"This 'lovely lady' is very confused. Who are you?" They keep multiplying, and you'd never seen this person either.

"Did you hit your head or something? You've never heard of or seen Deadpool? The most handsomest, most awesomest, funniest, killer crime fighter?"

"Uh nope. Also, I'm from Jersey, how did I end up here?"

"Good question. What's your name?"

"Oh, it's-" You stopped in confusion. "I actually don't remember. It was just at the tip of my tongue but I don't remember."

"Oh great! Amnesia! Just what we need. I'll let you handle her Spidey and I'll go stop some bad guys, 'kay?"

"What! No, don't leave me here!" Deadpool was already sprinting away.

"Let's get you to the base. Colossus and the others will know what to do."

---

They did not, in fact, know what to do. Colossus sent Negasonic and Yukio to contact Professor X, while Spiderman went to contact Tony Stark (I'm still emotionally scarred from Endgame so no, he won't be dead, this is my fanfic and I can keep him alive if I want to) and Deadpool went back out to patrol. You were left alone with Colossus.

Uncomfortable silence sat between you. Just as you were beginning to get antsy, Colossus broke it first.

"Do you remember anything at all?"

"I'm... a college student. I live alone in an apartment in New Jersey, I think. I used to fight crime until... I don't know, it's fuzzy. I'm an ex-assassin who has been training since I was 5. That's all I remember."

"You can remember that but not your name?"

"Look, I don't know okay? I don't know what's happening or why I can't remember anything else. I want to remember who I am, but I can't. And it's so... so frustrating! Your suspicion is understandable, but it is not helping."

"I apologize. This is a stressful situation for you. I will be more considerate."

"Thank you."

---

They could not figure out what happened to you or why you suddenly appeared in Queens one day. Your memory remained fuzzy, so you were stuck. As time passed, you and Colossus grew closer. You became so close that he told you his real name, you became a couple, and you got married. Seven years passed, you were 25 and you'd been trying for a baby. You both felt the time was right and that you'd be able to handle parenting.

Colossus came home from work one day, spent and tired. There you were, waiting for him at the door as usual.

"Hi my love, long day?" You fiddled with the positive pregnancy test behind your back.

"Yes darling, when is it not?"

"Well, we're going to have to figure something out, because there's no way I'll wake up every night to take care of our baby."

He looked confused, then realization hit. "You're..?" He looked so happy and hopeful, you couldn't contain your happiness. A huge smile lit up your face.

"Yes, we're finally going to be parents!" You pulled out the pregnancy test and held it up to him.

He laughed a joyful laugh, tears began to fall from the corners of his eyes as he embraced you. It must've been infectious because you began to tear up too. You remained in each other's embrace for a while, just existing in the moment. Time felt irrelevant as you basked in your shared delight.

---

8 months later, your belly had swollen and grown. Everyone was happy for the both of you. You and Colossus were both eager for your little one to arrive. You'd both decided to wait for birth to find out the gender. It didn't matter to you whether it was a boy or girl, just that they were healthy (gender's a construct anyway). The pregnancy had been going great so far, but this time of easy-going was about to get ruined by your husband's job.

---

Your world had merged with another because of some cosmic threat. Great! Your husband would be preoccupied trying to fix the situation, which meant that you'd be alone. Selfishly, you wished that they could let your husband stay with you so close to your due date, but you knew he had a role to play in saving two worlds.

Seeing your loneliness, Colossus decided to bring you with him to the Avengers' base. He hoped you'd be able to befriend some of the people there. You entered the compound and your eyes were drawn to some men standing beside a set of double doors. They all had suits on, black hair (one guy had two white streaks in his hair) and most had blue eyes, except for one man who had green eyes. He was also noticeably the darkest of the group. They felt familiar to you, especially the man with green eyes. Have you met them before? Who were they?

As your husband was discussing some details about the meeting, you couldn't help but watch the group of men. Not knowing why you thought you knew them annoyed you. As if they could feel your eyes on them (they could), they turned around in sync and locked eyes with you.

Their eyes widened and they all exclaimed your name in various degrees of disbelief. They rushed over to you and your husband protectively stepped in front of you

"How do you know my wife?"

"Wife?!" Some of them shouted. They were beginning to cause a scene.

"You're pregnant." The one with green eyes observed. He seemed to be having some sort of crisis.

All their eyes darted to your belly, making you uncomfortable. You placed your hand over your stomach and attempted to discretely hide behind your husband. This did not go unnoticed by them.

"You don't remember us?" The shortest of them questioned.

"No, I've never met you guys." You were very confused.

The man who appeared to be the oldest said your name. You stared at him as he studied your eyes, presumably to see if you were lying. It made you feel vulnerable and unsettled, couldn't they leave you alone?

"We're your family."

The guy with the white streaks in his hair scoffed. "You didn't treat her like she was family. I was the only one who cared for her when she was younger while you all ignored her and let her suffer. I'm glad she doesn't remember what you all did to her. She's clearly living a much better life without you lot in it."

This was getting more confusing by the second, although you felt there was truth to his words. Did you forget these people? They seemed very convincing if they were lying.

"I'm sorry but I really don't remember you guys. Maybe you have the wrong person?"

"No we don't! You disappeared one day and now that we've finally found you, you're saying you forgot everything!"

"That is enough. Please leave my wife alone, she does not know you, and she does not need the unnecessary stress of trying to remember people she's never met. Do not approach her anymore." Colossus guided you away from the men, who stared longingly at you. The heartbroken expressions they had after your husband's speech would follow you often. Were you sure you'd never met them before?

---

Words: 1,847

[airbender-dacyon]

Benlynn Parallels & Analysis

Alright, so this is by no means an exhaustive list, just what I am able to recall right now, but here's some of the Ben & Brooklynn parallels I noticed from Season 1 of Chaos Theory, as well as a few under the cut that are speculation based on trailers and promos from Season 2 (so spoiler warning for those). And I ended up doing more analysis on this than I intended, whoops.

Apologies for the long post, but I wanted to keep any spoilers under the cut and this ended up being much longer than I planned. I also apologize because it's been a minute since I've been able to watch Camp Cretaceous in its entirety and a bit since I last watched S1 of Chaos Theory so I hope my memory is right on most of this.

Also, this is meant to just be a fun post. It is a ship post, but I also acknowledge that the parallels likely don't mean anything beyond they're friends with shared interests/similar traits (if they even mean that).

Dark Jurassic Nerds

"What about that website I showed you?" "OMG. Dark Jurassic? Yes. Amazing." "Isn't it?"

Ben, in a surprising twist to me, was the one to discover Dark Jurassic. When Camp Cretaceous ended, I wouldn't have guessed he would be the one to become invested in a social media site. I will say that it makes sense that Brooklynn, having grown up as a social media influencer, was staying away from social media more after the Nublar Six returned home and that she didn't come across Dark Jurassic sooner. Regardless, the pair are both heavily invested in the website, though Brooklynn seems to have vetted the theories more than Ben, given her interaction with Yaz:

So it seems like Ben had a habit of sending a lot of stuff he found interesting her way, but only a few things, like the Dino Immersion Therapy, Brooklynn found to be legit.

2. "Okay, at first, I was like, ugh. But this view!"

I still think it is surprising that between Ben's flashback and Kenji's flashback, Brooklynn expresses more excitement over the view of a pretty ordinary skyline from the rooftop of a college dormitory that Ben shows her during her surprise visit than she does the bioluminescent Parasaurolophus at sunset amidst cliffs and a waterfall that her boyfriend of 5+ years had planned as a big romantic gesture.

We don't know the exact date when Brooklynn visited Ben at college, so I fully admit that probably plays a big part in the difference in Brooklynn's reaction. Since this is shortly after Ben introduced Brooklynn to Dark Jurassic and we know that 1) Brooklynn visited Yaz 14 months before the start of Season 1 and 2) Kenji broke up with Brooklynn shortly before (at least a few weeks, I believe) her apparent death roughly 6 months before S1, the Benlynn flashback takes place at least 14 months before S1, probably even earlier than that. Heck, it might be 18-24 months before S1. So, obviously Brooklynn is in a much healthier headspace in Ben's flashback whereas she had become obsessed with uncovering the dinosaur trafficking conspiracy by the time of Kenji's flashback, resulting in her indirectly neglecting her relationship with him.

3. Funny Stories, Personal Questions, & Other Shared Interests?

"Uh, yeah. College is great, but sometimes I gotta get outside just to feel like I can breathe." "Weird how it can be so hard to feel normal, now that everything is so... normal." "See those Pteranodons up there?" "Uh-huh." "One of them grabbed a freshman's backpack and took off with it." "No way." "She had to tell her professor that a dinosaur ate her homework." [Brooklynn laughs] "What?" "That's really funny." "Well, not to her. She failed her assignment." [Brooklynn laughs harder] "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry, that's really sad." [Snorts] "That's sad." "The point is, I don't know if there's such a thing as normal anymore." "Yeah."

It hadn't been my intention to quote such a large chunk of the flashback, but I do find it interesting how this interaction between these two played out. Ben & Brooklynn had only a handful of scenes - more accurately, a handful of interactions - together in Camp Cretaceous. And so to see these two alone together and enjoying each other's company was refreshing to see. Again, this isn't a 'they shared a moment together, now they're going to end up together' post. The fact that there was a significant flashback that highlighted how Ben & Brooklynn get along, despite not being one of the other's closest friends within the Nublar Six, was a stellar choice. They could have easily done for Ben what they did with Sammy: a very brief, but still impactful memory/vision of Brooklynn.

But in this scene, it's neat that Ben is telling the story to reassure Brooklynn that 1) even though they've been home safe from Nublar for years now, their experiences will never go away and 2) prehistoric wildlife is out in the world, "normal" doesn't really exist and they shouldn't expect it to. Like on Nublar, they have to adapt to the new dynamic. But, intentionally or not, Ben is also telling the story in a very humorous way, which results in Brooklynn's laughter. And whether you see the moment as shippy or just friends, it was pretty adorable to see Ben making Brooklynn laugh.

The scene on the rooftop also begins in a rather interesting way, as Ben's dialogue starts by announcing the rooftop view is his favorite spot on campus, followed by why he goes there/gets outside. So, presumably, Brooklynn had asked him how college was going. And after the Pteranodon story, Ben does something unique to the flashbacks we've seen in Season 1.

He asks Brooklynn how she's been doing.

"Anyway, how's everything with you? Any cool stories you're working on? Wrongs to be righted? Buried truths to be uncovered?" [Laughs] "Trying. It is hard out there for a reformed "social media influencer turned aspiring investigative journalist."

Now again, I fully recognize this is the easiest catalyst in the flashback to introduce Brooklynn's interest/activity in Dark Jurassic. And I also fully recognize that we haven't seen Darius' flashback with Brooklynn yet and Sammy's vision/memory of Brooklynn is too short to really compare to the other three we've seen so far.

However, in Yaz's flashback, we see Brooklynn is the one helping her with the Dino Immersion Therapy and inquiring about how she's doing, why she's there instead of Sammy, etc. And in Kenji's flashback, we see that he's so excited to share the view he's discovered with Brooklynn. And when she is too distracted (presumably by her mission) to acknowledge the beauty of the moment, Kenji breaks up with her and his dialogue suggests this has been happening for a while.

The video recordings of the earlier Kenlynn date and when the Nublar Six returned home at least give us a glimpse into happier times. But with regards to the flashbacks, while Brooklynn is likely there to check up on her friend (unannounced and strangely late in the evening from the looks of it), Ben's flashback is the only one where the focus seems to be on both characters equally rather than Brooklynn acting in a supporting/secondary role in the scene.

A much smaller parallel, likely unintentional, is that Ben and Brooklynn seem to (almost) have matching outfits in the flashback.

Continuing from that, and acknowledging similar outfits is already a stretch, I guess there is a parallel with music? Kinda?

We see in Brooklynn's video call to Darius that she is wearing what looks like a band/album T-shirt and Ben has become quite the fan of rock music. Some of the concept art for Ben's dorm room also showcased several band posters, if I recall correctly.

So, while not a certainty, it seems they could have also developed a connection through similar music tastes, though this is a fair bit of speculation.

4. Boots

Another parallel that's a stretch, but Ben eating food out of a boot seemed really, really odd when it was introduced. Perhaps out of desperation, maybe he accidentally broke his last bowl or ran out of disposable ones? Who knows. An odd choice, especially with the later Ruby Ropes container conversation being weird enough on its own that the food boot seemed excessive.

But then it was shown that Brooklynn also had an unfortunate boot-related habit, though fortunately nowhere near as disgusting. Kenji trips over one of her boots and comments on it, with Darius also having suffered from the problem:

"She was always leaving these in the middle of the floor. It was so annoying. I was so afraid I was gonna-" "Break your neck?" "Did she do that when she was staying with you after we broke up?" [Chuckles] "I swear she did it just to annoy us."

Again, this one's a big stretch, but it felt like a possibility.

5. A specific set of skills

Or, rather, just one skill. I can't remember if any other members of the Nublar Six ever picked any locks throughout the shows, but Ben having a set of dedicated lock picks was an interesting development. All of the N6 have picked up new skills in the time between CC and CT, but Ben's activities - and this skill in particular - seem to mirror a lot of Brooklynn's.

6. Conspiracy Boards

Again, going back to the fact that Brooklynn was more interested in legitimate stories and credible theories, Ben's board is quite a mess while Brooklynn's is more refined. Ben's looking into all the possibilities, no matter how ridiculous they might be, whereas Brooklynn is focused on (presumably) unraveling the dinosaur trafficking conspiracy and anything else nefarious that might be going on in relation to it.

7. Season 1 Bookends (unused)

I don't want to repost the art without permission and I really want to get the post up today, so credit to Brandon Roberts in this concept art post here. It shows Ben on his laptop in his dorm room.

However, I will provide the description Brandon Roberts gave, as well as the confirmation by Scott Kreamer on the post:

This would have been an interesting parallel and way to bookend the season: opening with Ben on Dark Jurassic getting vague messages and closing out with Ronnie sending vague messages to someone on Dark Jurassic and the reveal that it's Brooklynn.

And only time will tell if there is something real between these two. Or it might all be just an illusion.

"There's definitely some pretty out-there stuff on there, but every so often there's something that seems, I don't know..." "Real?" "Real."

And aside from the spoilery speculation below, I think this might be it. There could be other parallels I'd thought of previously, but as of right now, this is all I can remember. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my inane ramblings. I hope you enjoyed!

Also, shoutouts to @p0m0u and @kitabearuwu for being the inspiration for me falling down the Benlynn rabbit hole and continued inspiration since (we'll see if I can get my Benlynn fic done by tomorrow), especially their posts here, here, here, and here. And special thanks to @p0m0u for letting me use the beautiful gifs she made in this post!

Spoilers for Season 2 Trailers & Promo material under the cut!

Starting from what I feel is the weakest parallel to the strongest:

8. Why are you holding that in your mouth?

When I saw the tweezers or tool or whatever fall from Brooklynn's mouth, I swear I'd seen Ben do something like it before in the show. I tried to scour Season 1 of CT to find it, but to no avail. I then remembered where I'd seen something similar, back in Season 4 of CC. Again, leading with the weakest parallel here, but like the boots, I find it interesting and odd that both of them have held things in their mouths - and these are things that probably shouldn't be held in their mouths - only to drop them at some point during the scene. Ben's out of relief that the BRAD is gone, Brooklynn's potentially by whoever is breaking into her location (if the clips immediately before and after are part of the same scene).

9. You're great and I like you, but...

Given that it looks like we'll have a Darius and Brooklynn flashback finally, I have to wonder, will it play out in a similar vein to the Ben & Yaz moment in S4 of CC? We know that Ben mistook Yaz's interest in getting him away from Kenji & Brooklynn so that Kenlynn could develop as romantic interest. What if we see Brooklynn realize Darius' growing affection for her and makes it clear in a similar way?

I'm not saying we'll get a "Darius, look, you're a great guy and I like you. But I just don't like like you." But possibly something similar.

10. What? You've never seen a ghost before?

We'll see if this turns out to be another 'back from the dead' moment or not, but it has that kind of vibe to me. And I have to credit @p0m0u for pointing it out to me originally. Fingers crossed, it seems like a perfect setup for Ben's line to make a comeback!

And I think that's everything for now!

[elysiuminfra]

my I Need Money post (AKA, please consider helping me survive my abusive homelife)

Hi! I’m Cecil. I’m a 20 year old transgender artist from Louisiana, and I can make YOU art!

Art is my sole source of income, and I’m in a bit of a pickle. I am an adult now, and I gotta do adult things. like pay off debt. My sibling is 17. We are both victims of abuse and child neglect at the hands of our alcoholic parents. It’s not so great, but I’d like it to get better.

I’m disabled from medical neglect, and have no way to get my driver’s license. I am unable to get a job, as I live too far from anywhere that would hire me, with no way to get there. This is all I got, man! I got two hands and a warrior’s spirit!

My sibling is my pride and joy and I want to see them flourish and thrive because they’re awesome. They struggle with untreated bipolar disorder and a slew of medical problems, and I want to get them treated for it. I also need to take my two cats to the vet. I have debt I have to pay off, and I have to buy myself food to combat my increasingly declining weight. My clothes don’t fit very well anymore. :(

Art and design is my life-long passion, and I’d like to do it for the rest of my life, but I can’t if I can’t get on my feet. If you’d like to view more of my work, you can check some out here, or view some of my more professional work on my commission website here.

If you would like to financially support me, consider commissioning or donating! Even just sharing helps!

https://ckncommission.carrd.co/

https://ko-fi.com/cknelysium

On a serious note, things at home are not great. This is where I talk about what is going on in detail. Details of abuse and neglect beyond this point. Not required reading, but necessary for context. Photos included.

It’s not that I’m just poor, my parents both work full-time jobs, and they manage to pay the bills. I have food and a roof over my head, but I own nothing but debt, and can’t financially support myself. My parents have been neglecting my sibling for years, and neglected me the same. They do nothing to help us.

My sibling is showing signs of health deterioration, likely malnutrition, and they don’t seem to be concerned about it at all. My health is getting worse, too, because my parents have ignored me when I have stated I am getting worse. I haven’t been to the dentist ever since I was a child. I live with disabling chronic pain and intense fatigue, and I don’t even have a diagnosis, since no one will take me to the doctor.

My sibling likely not going to graduate because my parents have not supported them at all with their mental health, education, or support them just in general. They live in total isolation alongside me. My parents are also the reason why I can’t get a job- they won’t teach me how to drive, and won’t provide transportation. I am physically trapped in my own house, and the only people who can drive refuse to take us anywhere. They also will not help clean the house, and they won’t help fix our dryer or washer, which are both broken. They won’t take our pets to the vet. They won’t spare any expenses for things that need to be done. They spend most of their money on alcohol. In my state, we are currently experiencing what one would call abuse and child neglect. This is one of the only times I have ever written, in detail, what my home life is like.

Our washer and dryer, both broken. We don’t have any flooring in that room. The other is part of our living room floor. I am the only person who cleans the house in any capacity, and when I do it never, ever stays clean. The dirt is from my dad alone. I need to cover doctor’s visits, medication, food for my sibling, and vet costs for my pets. I would also maybe like to have a little treat every once in a while. I can’t physically drive, but if I am able to get the money for it, I can force my parents to take care of things. Due to the, er, abuse, I am also isolated from the world at large and have no support system. All things described on my sibling have been happening to me for years, but I’m technically an adult now, so there’s little anyone can do for me. Things aren’t so great, but I think they can get better through blood sweat and tears. Which is why I have to step up and try to do all these things myself! A difficult task, but I want to make art into something I could do as a job. Please lord have mercy, I want to wash my clothes. I can even save up for a car, and teach myself how to drive, so I can finally reach independence. Without financial support, I can’t achieve that at all. I am very stressed about everything. I’m very isolated as a result of not being allowed to go anywhere. I don’t have anyone I can confidently trust with my home-life situation. I have no resources either, as I live in an area with very little support for adult victims of parental abuse. I’ve never made a plea like this before. I just want to be able to live and thrive and survive on my own, and I just can’t do it at this rate. If I can go to the doctor, I can get healthier, and undo all the years of medical neglect and actually hold a full-time job making coffee like I’d like. I’m afraid both me and my sibling will never get anywhere in life, and I don’t want that for them. I don’t want that for me. I want to finally start living. Thank you for reading, and getting to the end.

[unidentifiedmammal]

Alrighty so this is the post on lichen dyes!

this particular bath of lichen dyes was originally started over a year ago scraping a tentatively-ID'd lecanora and/or ochrolechia genus lichen off of a fallen branch (remember, don't gather lichen when it's still growing! it's very slow growing and easy to overharvest)

to start off, this particular type of dye is made through the ammonia-fermentation method, also known as ammonia maceration. No actual bacterial fermentation occurs though. Rather, the compound orcinol (and precursor compound to orcinols) react with ammonia (N2) and oxygen to form the compound orcein (also called orchil/archil) which is what makes the final dye!

this process takes anywhere from 3 weeks to 16+ weeks depending on the lichen species, its constituent acids, the temperature, and the frequency of aeration.

This batch was set aside for several months and neglected a good bit, but it still works. I strained out the crumbled lichens (which i set aside for later) and diluted it 1:4 as instructed by a very good book called Lichen Dyes: The New Source Book by Karen Diadick Casselman. This book is basically omnipresent everywhere you see lichen dyes mentioned, especially the orcein-based dyes. I also used several websites/videos/papers and such that i've hunted down over various internet crawls.

I use an old coffee pot for this as it's both a non-reactive material (glass) and is built to withstand heat. Ironically i also scraped the lichens off the branch using a tool i made out of a metal band from the broken handle of this same coffee pot!

I decided to dye some eri silk cakes that i fluffed up and scoured. these have been very good at absorbing dye in the past so i would hopefully get a good result from them. As lichens are a substantive dye i don't have to put a mordant on them, but i did soak them in an alum solution just before adding them to the dye bath to hopefully maximize dye uptake as well as improve fastness as lichen dyes are also fugitive and can fade in sunlight.

Substantive dyes contain mordants already embedded in them; fugitive dyes are a bit fuzzy to me but my understanding is they end up trapped in the fiber instead of actually bonding to the fiber in a stronger way. Mordants are used to help the dye "bite" onto the fiber better, improving both fastness (the ability of a due to resist fading from sunlight/washing/time) and the brightness of a color. Alum is useful in that it typically doesn't affect the end color of a dye more than simply making it slightly more strong!

it was pretty successful i'd say! i warmed up the dyebath, added the silk, let it simmer for a few hours, let it cool down overnight, and then warmed it back up the next day for a few hours; then, when it cooled, i took it out, let it dry, then rinsed it, and let it dry a second time. At that point, it was ready for spinning!

It was a lovely pink color that's not fully captured by the camera like most dyes, and eri silk is lovely because you can spin the clouds directly and easily without carding and make lovely relatively threadlike yarn

this was the first skein i got! i love how shiny the silk is. Some dyes can get really purple or even magenta-like!

next, i had the leftover lichens that i had set aside. They were a crumbly texture and dark black and i dried them out, crushed them up more, set them back in a jar, added more ammonia and water, and did the ammonia fermentation method a second time! this was after reading about the method for making french purple, and while this is definitely a very pale imitation of the method, the double-soak is the key feature here

here it is (on the left); it was already way darker purple than an in-progress lichen dye i had yet to crack open and use

speaking of which, heres a shot of various test lichens i had while working on this, you can see the blue-capped jar that has the second-soaked lichens. the foam will often give a preview of whether or not the dye will be red/purple or not!

Here it is, i forget how long i let it soak but i think it was a bit over a week. i strained the material out, diluted it, and then repeated the same warm/cool/warm/cool/dry/rinse/dry method with more eri silk

And below you can see the difference, it's definitely slight but still cool!

the left is from the original dyebath, the right is the second-soaked one. the first one is more salmon-colored while the second is a tad more blue-purpled!

I'm extremely excited about this, these dyes have such a fascinating history and have multiple historical uses everywhere from florentine orchil to norwegian korkje to scottish cudbear and more, and it was often used in tandem with the roman murex/tyrian purple dyes that come from a mussel. Some folks used the lichens to pre-dye the fabric before dyeing with tyrian purple, both to stretch the expensive tyrian purple and to make the end color more vibrant. It's all such a great topic that's mightily confusing and could take up a post of its own, same with the underlying chemistry of what makes these dyes work in the first place!

Anyways that's all for this post, i have more i'm working on involving actually turning these dyes into paint that i'll hopefully turn into a post on its own soon! I've also got other lichen dyes I'm waiting to get through the ammonia fermentation process that will hopefully give other colors, whenever that may be!

[isdalinarhot]

on the state of kholin haterism on tumblr

this is gonna be a long one, so bear with me.

one thing i think that has changed in the tumblr fandom in the three years that ive been in it is that the culture in 2021 was ALSO at a largely anti-Kholin sentiment, but there were two key differences.

the first is that most people making critiques of such characters would use the tag #kholin critical, which was useful either if you were sensitive to criticism of one of the kholins for whatever reason AND if you wanted to read analysis of some of their faults by many different users under one tag.

the second is that said kholin critical criticisms were... less stupid? like a lot of it was talking about reddit fandom hypocrisy where dalinar was held up as righteous and badass and could do no wrong even though he had tons of personal and political faults that other characters (largely people who WERENT extremely powerful nobles) were demonized for. also a lot of stuff like "adolin is kaladins friend now but i dont think just categorizing it as simple enemies to besties is fair because adolin WAS being overtly racist to kaladin at the beginning there". a lot of discussion about how the Kholins treat darkeyes and characters of lower dahns where the bigotry there was being downplayed by fans in favor of the characters being painted both by fandom and in the universe of the books as Always Right All The Time. stuff like that.

that's not to say the whole kholin crit tag was all, like, stuff that isnt bullshit. people have been dunking on elhokar for being a whiny failking since the beginning of time. but the vibes were a lot different.

kholin critical kind of fell out of favor as a hashtag because most of us realized hey on a doylist level either the things we're criticizing the kholins for are purposeful character flaws that make for richer, more realistic, more engaging characters; or they're oversights from the moderate liberal Sanderson, in which case, why are we complaining about Dalinar doing this, when we should be complaining about Sanderson doing this. so this whole thing is stupid. and also by then the atmosphere on tumblr was way different, this was by and large the Moash Website and while people were haters about characters they did not put the hate in character tags so people largely avoided each others haterism. and there was peace for like a year and a half, i guess.

things are way different now. for context. i track the #dalinar kholin tag. so whenever my dash is dead im checking my tracked tags, and thus i see every original post about dalinar that someone decided to tag #dalinar kholin. and boy howdy, things have devolved. this used to be a chill experience for me, i'd see first time readers go OH MY GOD HE DID WHAT?????? during oathbringer and "[some philosophical shit dalinar said]" -brandon sanderson. follow for more inspiring book quotes" about three times a day, fanart once every couple weeks or so, stuff like that. but now a solid 75% of the posts in dalinars tag are like. hate. not literary criticism, but hate. sometimes about justified things, sometimes about unjustified things, but still, extremely negative.

in a bubble, that's fine. god knows ive been a hater on my blog before and ill be a hater on my blog again. and its not even like im opposed to reading well thought out criticism of my faves on any level because, like, dalinar is kind of a rat bastard! but like. listen. you don't put character hate in that character's tag. you don't do that. the people who are checking a character's tag are fans of that character and fandom is for fun. being a hater directly reaching out to the lovers for comment is rude as hell.

also a lot of the things people dislike about dalinar tie back to his neglectful fatherhood and his alcoholism which is, like, a thing i understand people would have strong negative feelings towards him for having because Neglectful Alcoholic Dad is like one of the top 10 kinds of abusive dads out there so lots of people have very visceral very personal experiences related to that. but when posting about this in any form whatsoever it feels like im having to go back to Treating Addicts Like Human Beings 101. like i feel like ive made a billion posts to the tune of "okay kids, you can do bad things while drunk and you are still responsible and you can also get drunk at inopportune times and you are still responsible, but the act of being addicted to alcohol does not make a character ontologically evil". and like thats. um. a personal thing but also oh my goodness.

i dont really have a conclusion to this. im just thinking goddamn its bleak out here right now.

[chemicallywrit]

Happy Audio Drama Sunday! School is out for me, so I can finally rest. Oh man. I needed the rest. It's great to sit there an not move, isn't it? And I got to listen to so many good podcasts this week as well, it really made the last week of school a treat. Let's take a look:

🍔 I feel like every new episode of @midnightburgr is a precious little gem, and this one is no different. I love getting to see pre-found-family Casper. You can't escape the found family, idiot, get cherished! It's been good to watch his character development throughout the show, and then seeing this little missing piece of it that he doesn't quite remember answers several questions about him. I love him. He's the worst and I love him. Alongside each of the three sisters, this season is promising to be absolutely fascinating.

📼 Oh The Magnus Protocol, you never disappoint. I want to run this episode by the teenagers I know to see what they think of it, because I understood what the influencer was saying, but I know many adults who absolutely would not. Like, I'm on this website. Meanwhile, Alice rejecting help is setting her up for something truly awful and I dread what her fate may be. It's delicious.

👻 @monstrousproductions's Travelling Light is often so soft and good--I neglected to include last week's episode on the AD Sunday write-up, like a FOOL, even though it made me CRY--but this episode settles into a gorgeous little ghost story that's honestly the logical conclusion of creative sentients in space. I loved it. On top of that, there's this tiny morsel of Óli's backstory that I am DYING to know more about. I can't wait for the next ep.

🪲 @cryptonature always hits just right, but this last episode was everything I want in the world. MOSS TIDE MOSS TIDE MOSS TIDE

🧛🏻‍♂️What a treat it is to listen to @re-dracula along with everyone this year. I am loving everyone's analysis and thoughts this go-round and I am once again appreciating the work of Ben Galpin and Karim Kronfli in creating just the most horrific character dynamic. I know droughtula is imminent, so there's still plenty of time to catch up. Join us, join us, join us--

✂️ In Hannah news, Inn Between is starting to wrap up for the season! This week brings the penultimate episode, which is definitely totally fine and won't bode ill for any beloved party members of the Lowlifes. We'll also see the last episode of "Run Rabbit" on The Dead, and I'm so pleased with my actors' work, so I can't wait to hear what the sound wizards have done with it.

Hey! This week is better than last as far as finances go--thanks to my beloveds for helping out--but if you like what I make or enjoyed reading this, would you consider leaving me a tip?

See y'all next week!

[the-0ther-mother]

20/100 days of productivity

Tuesday, September 24, 2024

🪐 went to a 9AM lecture

🪐 revised microeconomics

I Had my first lecture of this semester today. It was a 9 AM one so i didn't get much sleep but most of my lectures will be like that so i will need to sleep at a reasonable hour. The lecture was in Microeconomics 1 and I'm retaking it cuz i failed it last year. I like my professor for this class. He's organised. Now I'm in the library watching a YouTube video on the basics of Microeconomics cuz i took that course two years ago now and i want to refresh my memory. I'm gonna make an overview of it. Also I'm waiting for my professor to send us the homework, slides and the textbook pdf since our website isn't working yet.

Managed to review and take notes of the first half of that video. I was waiting for my professor to send over those files but he didn't (serves me right for calling him organized). So i didn't do any uni work today. I did enjoy revising those microeconomics materials though. And being in the library is always so lovely.

I have been neglecting my italian lessons on Duolingo these days but i just finished one so it's all good. On that note though, I've been getting back in the flow of russian. I've been rewatching Gravity Falls with a russian dub and i fucking love it. Feels like childhood again.

You're doing better than you think, dear.

Arrivederci <3

[beautifulpersonpeach]

It’s impossible to not love jikook.

Their chemistry is so natural, so effortless, so comfortable. Whatever brain cell Jungkook has you know Jimin shares it. They complement each other in their physical athleticism, in their easygoing / mischievous / crackhead personalities, in their competitiveness, in even how they relate to the other five members.

I’m yet to watch the full RUN episode, I’ve only seen some clips some friends have sent me while I run to a work lunch, but now I’ve got this silly smile on my face because two men I love, Jimin and Jungkook, exist on the same planet I do.

In other news, HYBE is giving a masterclass in class compared to the dumpster fire that is SM right now, though at this point with how deplorable SM’s management have behaved recently, that’s not even saying much. The latest HYBE financials confirm what I’ve said in my last few posts on HYBE’s corporate news i.e. HYBE not neglecting BTS and how BTS continues to be the primary revenue driver even on ‘hiatus’ (I think I recall @guacamoli-avocadorado sending an ask on this. HYBE’s latest filings are available on their website so you can confirm, but I’m sure there are also screengrabs all over Twitter at this point. Just FYI 💜.) It’s also confirmed Jimin will release PJM1 in March.

For the other anon who just sent in an ask on the downside of this SM deal for HYBE - HYBE has already gotten their pound of flesh in terms of LSM’s stake (consensus view is the injunction is in his favour), a validation of the business mode HYBE developed years ago that SM now wants to replicate in their SM 3.0 plan, and SM’s management has single-handedly done most of the damage to their brand already. But then again, they’d damaged their brand years ago when several of their own artists filed lawsuits detailing extreme physical abuse, when the company was fined for fraud several times, when the ceo wound up on Interpol’s most wanted list, when SM bought Woolim Entertainment to shelf Infinite and every other talent under that agency, etc. It didn’t stop the wider k-pop fandom/industry from developing selective blindness and amnesia to all this though, neither did it stop SM from continuing verifiably corrupt dealings. So despite this latest embarrassment only being more so because of international eyes on this mess, expect the status quo from the wider k-pop space to remain by year-end. HYBE will maintain a notable equity interest they can monetize later, and likely some influence on management decisions.

Back to jikook, I’m so excited for what they both will get up to this year. Jungkook said he isn’t working on anything right now, but that guy has been writing finished songs since 2016 at least, already has a vision for his solo debut (multiple MVs, possibly for each song on the album, choreography, possibly including drumming performances in videos or live, likely a new slew of collaborators, etc), plus it’s only February. As 2023 has shown us so far, a lot can change in very little time, so I’m not worried about JK at all. He’s taking a breather, something very necessary for creatives (much less introverted creatives), and he’s been working full time for 10 years.

Jimin will bring sauce and heat and tears in his new album. I have zero doubts. Prepare your bank accounts and stay hydrated. 💜

[subsequent-interviews]

I've made peace with the changes the show made as a matter of identity and necessity for it as an adaptation. honestly, I've never been too good with change, but usually once I give it some time to settle I find that I come around to it. but some of the changes made in the show are greater than they might appear, and I find myself thinking of those differences.

in the novels, Lestat is turned when he is twenty-one. when I first read the Vampire Lestat that seemed like an eternity away: to me then twenty-one was a full-grown adult, a man. it's an age I can look back on now as one of extreme youth -- not childhood, mind you, but still, youth. at twenty-one I was so sharp, so lost, so inexperienced. in your early twenties you're so desperate to prove that you're All Grown Up Now, but every effort I made towards that only seemed to underscore how much growing I had yet to do.

Lestat never got that. Lestat was turned into a vampire when he was younger than I was when I got married, when I met most of my current friends, when I moved into my own place with my wife, when I finished my first book's first draft. Lestat was turned into a vampire at an age when nightclubs were still asking me if I was here looking for a parent. Lestat had just began to tick off a list of firsts: his first boyfriend, his first apartment, his first job, his first foray into adult life.

and it was all cut short. what strikes me now when I re-read tVL is that, for Lestat, vampirism is very much his adulthood. vampirism is what came next after those first few firsts.

and Lestat's very young adulthood informs a whole lot of his character. one part of Lestat is always twenty-one. a part of being called "the brat prince" is that Lestat is twenty-one. a part of being constantly excused from fucking up is that Lestat is twenty-one. a part of trying to take on the roles of adulthood milestones -- becoming a husband and then a father -- and failing horribly at them is that Lestat is twenty-one.

of course Louis was upset with Lestat's immaturity, his disregard for future consequences. Lestat is twenty-one! and of course Lestat could not provide Claudia with true guidance as a parent. Lestat, tragically, is twenty-one.

we can keep going. Nicki, Marius, Akasha, David Talbot, Quinn, Antoine, more: so much of what happens between these characters and Lestat is informed by Lestat being trapped in vampirism at twenty-one.

it's not the only part of Lestat, of course: as the years go on there is another part gathering up all of the bitterness and the frustration and the disillusionment and the joy and the love and the wonder of still existing. but I've always understood Lestat best as someone who has been twenty-one for a very, very long time. and isn't that the horror of it all, that Lestat will never be afforded the chance to grow and change and age as a human might? that Lestat is forever Magnus's pinned butterfly?

and now ... we come to the show. because it's one thing to imagine everything that goes down with Lestat as twenty-one. it's quite another to see the same behavior done by someone in their thirties, almost forty. it makes it all feel very different.

yes: I've neglected nuance, spent precious little time on Lestat's gravity, on the psychology of being both twenty-one forever and forced to grow up all too quickly because otherwise your family might well have starved. I've compared the milestones of young adulthood in the 2010s to those of the 1780s without an essay on historical context. I didn't even mention Rose and Viktor. and I should say that none of this is meant as an exhaustive or definitive analysis. as with most of my posts on this website ... I'm just talking.

but ... doesn't it feel different, watching Lestat in his mid-30s grow jealous of Claudia's and Louis's closeness instead of Lestat in his very early 20s? Lestat at 21 throwing himself into endeavor after endeavor to get Louis's attention is one thing; Lestat more than a decade older doing the same behavior seems very much like another.

yes: I know that your thirties are your youth, too. but the story changes when the character is one who has been denied all but his most extreme youth as a human adult, instead of a character who has had a decade more lived experience as a human adult but who still can't lose a game of chess without a shouting match.

change is not bad. these differences emphasize different parts of the character, draw our focus to different aspects of the story. and with them, characters interact in different ways. but this particular change to Lestat's age was striking to me because of how much it recontextualizes Lestat's behavior. that behavior is no longer the antics of someone just out of his teens, and I guess I'm still sorting out just how much the rest of the story is impacted by that.

[kasaneteto]

obviously been in my posting era for the past few months & ive been thinking about that and what it means for me so some thoughts on that

posting as much as i have been was sparked by having to end my most recent relationship due to the realization that we were codependent & it was making it hard for us to function effectively. finn was always my guy to ramble at but there would always be times that they didnt have anything to say in response so they would just be like “okay” and i would feel so annoying :( they were never annoyed (well not usually i cant say they were NEVER annoyed by me) but my mind always catastrophizes social interactions that leave me feeling self-conscious to mean “oh they hate you”

anyways. for a while i was kind of worried that my codependency habit has graduated from finn -> posting & while im not sure that ISNT the case… i do think the posting has been good for me. ive been journaling for a couple years now but it doesn’t help me in the same way as posting stuff like this. its harder to process thoughts when im just talking to myself vs writing something out thats meant to be for someone else to read. writing with the intent of it being for someone to see helps me process things so much easier, and that doesn’t really work when im writing it in a place nobody can see it. when i was a kid i would post deviantart journals in the same way. of course back then i was a neglected child who was just looking for validation in any form & where i got it most was the internet.

i think its the fact that ive been doing it ever since i was a kid that made me feel like making posts like these were juvenile in nature and something i should move on from. but since making an effort to be more true to myself & not let embarrassment or the fear of being judged get to me, ive found that i have the strong urge to make posts and that it brings me joy when i do! it really has helped me have a clearer understanding of the way i think/feel. plus tumblr rly does kinda feel like a home website. it helps that it hasn’t changed much and a lot of the userbase i was around in its heyday are still here. it feels like a comfortable place to scream into the void where im not worried about who’s potentially seeing this shit. & thats another thing - it has helped me feel less annoying in general!

im so used to feeling like my presence is inherently bothersome and that any self-assertion is going to make people wish i wasn’t there. this feeling extrnds to posting anywhere. but thats so fucking stupid!!!! if people dont like me or are that annoyed by me they dont have to fuckin look!!!!!! just unfollow me idfc!!!!! i feel good about the level of clarity i have in my life rn and posting long rambling introspective shit like this has been doing wonders in helping me keep myself grounded. so i will continue to do so. i will say though i sometimes wonder who all is reading this shit lmao. watch there be someone out there who’s just obsessed with my ass waiting on baited breath for my next post. if thats the case then get well soon bitch….im probably too unhinged for you to handle 💅

[emotionalabuseawareness]

Personal update

Hi, everyone.

I'm... here. I'm... fine. Pre-covid-era levels of fine, even if less stable - as in it takes really only a little to throw me off and have me spiraling down. At the same time I'm also kinda better at recovering afterwards. Yet I'm aware now more than ever that I need to do trauma therapy for things to properly improve and for me not constantly struggling with flashbacks and stuff. I've done therapy over the years but never trauma therapy, at first (for the longest time) because I didn't know that that was an option, that there are therapists specialised in that and then, because there was so much else going on and then I tried but oh man, the waiting lists are so long... I'm planning on starting it sometime this year.

I've been neglecting this blog so much and I literally haven't logged in in months out of guilt. At the same time I'm so busy with work and projects that I don't really have the time to post, for now. I'd really want to get back to it at some point (maybe the end of the year?) and I also still like to eventually publish the website I was planning to do, but I'm not sure anymore if I'll manage that. Definitely want to post here again, though. It's kind of hard to grasp that it's been 12 years since my first post. I wonder if I were to re-read all that I've written if there are things that I think totally different of by now or where I'd just give different or possibly expanded (due to more life experience) advice. Surely something I'll check when I start posting again.

12 years also means that I worry somehow about people getting discouraged by the fact that for me and for others, just leaving your abusive parents, hasn't lead to a stability in mental health, but that there still are struggles. That has also been a reason for not wanting to log in and post here. ...in the end it's just the reality, though. Experiencing years of abuse in childhood will for most people lead to CPTSD and have long-lasting effects. Still, things have gotten better and I do hope that things can improve even more. And I hope that things improve for you too.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you need a hug right now, let me give you at least a virtual one.

[jaztice]

Villainous Violence and Purposeful Power: An Essay On Child Abuse In Superhero Stories

So I wrote an essay a while ago and posted it on my website here, but I figured all y'all tumblr girlies might enjoy it too, so I've decided to post it to the hellsite as well. Enjoy my angry ramblings <3 CWs: mentions and descriptions of child abuse, mentions and descriptions of murder, mentions of rape

There’s a trend I often see in popular superhero media that has always rubbed me the wrong way. Specifically, in movies and TV shows, superheroes, if abused as children, are rarely if ever abused by their biological parents. Supervillains, on the other hand, as well as many antiheroes and even some non-villain antagonists, often are. It’s a trend I first noticed in the TV show Daredevil, which premiered on Netflix in 2015 and can currently be viewed on Disney+, but since noticing it, I’ve been unable to stop noticing it in other popular pieces of superhero media. I’ve seen it in the Jessica Jones TV show, the popular Batman movie The Dark Knight, in other less popular characters from the Batman mythos, the first season of The Umbrella Academy TV show, and even in J. Jonah Jameson of the Spider-Man stories. Even when considering examples of heroes suffering child abuse, like Bruce Banner (a.k.a. The Hulk), something always felt amiss to me in these representations. So naturally, I decided to dig deeper.

It’s important to note that trauma has been used in superhero media as an inciting incident for both heroes and villains since the genre’s inception. Popular superheroes like Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker often become heroes due to witnessing the unjust death(s) of their caretakers or people important to them. Child abuse, however, is a very specific sort of trauma, and child abuse from specifically one’s biological/birth parents even moreso. Natasha Romanov/Black Widow of the MCU’s Avengers certainly suffers child abuse, but it’s not perpetrated by her birth parents—instead, she’s abused by the mysterious organization that created her as a living weapon. All the kids in The Umbrella Academy are undoubtedly emotionally abused and neglected by their father, but he is very specifically their adopted father. To reference yet another Marvel Netflix TV show, Danny Rand from Iron Fist does suffer from child abuse; however, it comes at the hands of the monks who rescued him from a plane crash, not his own parents.

In terms of villains being abused as children by their biological parents, on the other hand, there are quite a few that come to mind. Wilson Fisk from Daredevil is a prime example, suffering from emotional and implied physical abuse from his father, until Wilson kills Fisk Sr. by beating him to death with a hammer. Kilgrave from the first season of Jessica Jones is experimented on by his parents until he develops the power to control people with vocal commands (and then uses it to escape their grasp). Trish Walker from Jessica Jones—who, granted, doesn’t become a true “villain” until season 3—is abused in a multitude of ways by her mother and acting agent. Leonard Peabody, the villain of season 1 of The Umbrella Academy, has a physically abusive father who he, similar to Wilson Fisk, beats to death before being imprisoned for 12 years for the murder. Even the Joker claims to have had an abusive father in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight (though his actual past and the veracity of any of his statements in the movie are up for debate).

Even more interesting are the instances in which superheroes (or at least non-supervillains) are abused as children. The most notable, of course, is Bruce Banner, though this may come as a surprise to anyone unfamiliar with his character from the comics. After all, only one of the movies about him, Hulk (2003), really addressed the child abuse aspect of his past, and most movies about the Hulk aren’t very popular in the first place. Other instances include some members of the Batfamily, Jason Todd and Cassandra Cain, who both had fraught childhoods due to the actions and abuse of their biological parents, and J. Jonah Jameson, the notorious head editor of the Daily Bugle in the Spider-Man mythos (and a real piece of work), who, according to Wikipedia, had an abusive father who was also a war hero in the U.S. military. In the cases of Jason Todd and Cassandra Cain, both of these characters often vacillate between hero and villain status in the comics, and additionally, they have almost no appearances in popular superhero media (and certainly not as a main character). Jameson’s history is even more curious; his father’s hero status and abusive behavior towards his son and wife explains Jameson’s hesitation in fully believing Spider-Man is a hero, and yet in later editions of the Spider-Man storyline, it’s clarified that his abusive father is in fact his uncle and foster father (his biological father had to, quoting from the J. Jonah Jameson Wikipedia page, “leave his son behind for undisclosed reasons”).

Bruce Banner, however, I found to be a fascinating case study for this topic. According to the Wikipedia page for the Hulk, “As a child, Banner's father Brian often got mad and physically abused both Banner and his mother, creating the psychological complex of fear, anger, and the fear of anger and the destruction it can cause that underlies the character.” In the aforementioned 2003 movie, Bruce’s father tries to kill his young son, believing him to be a danger, but instead kills Bruce’s mother when she tries to stop him, causing Bruce to repress most of his childhood memories. In both instances, this abuse is considered one of the driving forces behind the Hulk, a monstrous, destructive, and very green force within Bruce Banner that reveals itself when Bruce becomes too emotional, excited, or angry. However, the Hulk is almost always considered a wild factor in situations, both out of control and often unable to be fully controlled. It is useful and even heroic, yes, and Bruce does manage to control it in some stories, but the Hulk is ultimately violent and destructive. That is what makes Bruce’s superpower useful. The Hulk is considered dangerous, volatile, and sought after by other violent factions like the military (and even, that one time, a gladiatorial ring). The result of Bruce’s abuse is a violent, uncontrollable, rage-filled monster, and only in controlling this monster can Bruce be considered a hero; otherwise, he is simply considered a threat.

Compare this to Wilson Fisk in the Daredevil TV show, who is depicted as a soft-spoken, deeply traumatized, and terrifyingly violent man in charge of a criminal empire. Wilson, like Bruce, has developed emotional and aggression issues as a result of his child abuse, and though he uses these issues throughout the course of the show to both his own benefit and detriment, he is always cast in the role of a villain. Additionally, Wilson only attacked and killed his father to stop him from beating his mother, and one possible reading of his character might be that both his need for safety and control and his drive to protect others are what drove him to become the leader of a criminal empire with the intention of reshaping Hell’s Kitchen.

What, you might ask, is the point of listing all these different depictions of abuse in superhero stories? To that, I ask you to examine the trend of agency in these depictions. In the case of those cast in more heroic lights (Bruce Banner, perhaps even J. Jonah Jameson), these children suffered from abuse but had little to no hand in stopping or escaping from that abuse. The more extreme the action taken to stop or escape the abuse, however, the more likely the individual is to be cast in the role of villain. Jason Todd and Cassandra Cain both ran away from their abusers, but the former was killed as a child, came back to life, and became a crime lord, while the latter eventually killed her own parents and then became a notorious assassin. In both these instances, Jason and Cassandra are cast as villains in their respective storylines. Trish Walker, though she doesn’t start out as a villain by any means, ultimately becomes one due to her desperation to prove she can save not only herself, but also others, due to her childhood abuse. Kilgrave develops his powers and immediately uses them to perform absolutely heinous acts, including repeatedly raping the main and titular character, Jessica Jones, as well as killing his own parents as an adult. And of course, Leonard Peabody and Wilson Fisk kill their abusive fathers as young children in brutal, violent ways.

Let me make something clear; I think the Daredevil TV show is a fantastic piece of superhero media. But it still falls prey to this trend I’m describing even in its attempt to deconstruct it. Wilson Fisk is not painted in a purely villainous light during the show, at least not for the murder of his father. Even though the heroic protagonist hopes to use this fact (once he discovers it) to put him away in jail, the other protagonists argue that Fisk was, perhaps, justified in his actions. Fisk is a character we’re meant to understand and even sympathize with; the juxtaposition of his motivations against the hero’s motivations are what make the story so compelling. And yet, Wilson Fisk is undeniably a villain, because even though his violent rages and desire to help others allowed him to save his mother, they have also led him to murder innocents in the name of creating a better Hell’s Kitchen. Despite his “good” intentions, he is a villain. He is the villain of this story. And the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father isn’t the reason he is considered a villain, but it is the driving force behind how he became one.

Perhaps it’s easier for people to give a backstory of child abuse to villains. Most people have no knowledge or understanding of what it’s like to grow up in a home where your parents, your birth parents, the people society claims should love and care for you and keep you safe, hurt and scream at and scare you. Perhaps these people cannot fathom how someone wholly good can be created in such an environment. In this way, attaching child abuse to villains is viciously puritanical in its narrative efficiency. When this is the story you see, the implied lesson is that good people always come from good parents (from “good stock”), and bad people come from those who are themselves bad. It is simple and easy to stick to the black and white tale of good vs. evil, hero vs. villain, to repeat (even unknowingly) the idea that good people beget heroes, and bad people beget villains. To show a superhero as flawed is compelling, and to show a supervillain as virtuous is revolutionary. In fact, even in today’s world of superhero story reimaginings (e.g., The Boys TV show, the Invincible TV show), it is far more common for heroes to live safe and healthy home lives before being thrust into their trauma, and it is far more likely for villains to have suffered abuse from their earliest moments.

I would argue it’s also more “tasteful” to write off those suffering from abuse as villainous if they kill their abusers. Suffering and being saved, like Bruce Banner, creates someone who could become a hero, as long as the emotional results of their abuse remain monitored and controlled. Suffering and daring to rise up, to take your power back from those who have hurt you and save yourself, on the other hand? That is the mark of a villain. Villains wrest power from those that hurt them with bloody hammers and bruised fists. And because in so many pieces of superhero media, heroes do not kill, they are doomed by that very action to be the villains of an inherently violent story.

It is a sign of great and unrealized privilege to write stories that center around violence and immediately villainize those that kill. Especially those that kill as children, and especially those that kill their abusers and tormentors. Superheroes have always been larger-than-life figures, bastions of hope and justice that people are meant to admire, so it makes sense that killing others would not be something they do with abandon. But these abused children were not killing with abandon. For those who have been abused by the very people society claims should love them, there are few depictions of how to survive such abuse in superhero media. Either victims of child abuse are meant to stay helpless and sad, props to be saved and then to be regulated and controlled lest their violent, traumatized urges hurt others too, or they are doomed to become villains from the start for daring to deliver a child’s justice to their abusers. After all, in these kinds of stories, killing is wrong, no matter what.

Perhaps now you can see why this would rub me the wrong way.

The world is not black and white. The world is not good vs. evil. It is a privilege to grow up loved and safe and happy and accepted, and most people don’t even realize this because it’s more common for that to already be the case. And for the world to be so safe and happy is a truly wonderful thing. But when the people who grow up without realizing their own privilege then saturate the popular superhero mythos with images of children murdering their abusive parents and becoming villains for heroes to fight, what do they expect to happen? What would you do if your favorite stories said your only two choices were “suffer in silence and control your violent urges” or “take action and become an unforgivable villain?” How is that message any better than the rhetoric used by abusers everywhere to keep those they hurt in line?

I implore those writing superhero stories to read this and think. Think about violence, about killing and murder, about abuse, in the stories you are crafting. Think before you create your heroes and villains, and have empathy for those who were, perhaps, not as lucky as you growing up. Think about the reality being created in your story, where problems can and are often encouraged to be solved with violence, and then consider what it means to villainize those who are violent and suffer violence from their earliest moments. Think about how you use abuse in your story, with your supers and their powers, between your heroes and villains. And think about why suffering abuse at the hands of your birth parents seems to be so different from suffering abuse at the hands of someone or something external, and why it’s alright for heroes to attack and target their abusers, but damning if villains do it to theirs.

Think about what it means to take your power back in a world where violence is not only commonplace, but a viable option for solving problems, and then examine why a child killing their abusive parent is considered a villainous act. Are you afraid of what children in this situation will learn if such an act is not considered evil?

Should you be?

[ivan-fyodorovich-k]

A lot of my collecting of WWII stuff was inspired by Medal of Honor: Frontline. I was playing it one day the summer I had my first job and I wondered while playing how hard it would be to find a helmet from WWII.

After acquiring said helmet, I set about putting together the uniform of this little knockoff G.I. Joe I had bought when I was a freshman in High School, dubbed "pocket Jimmy Patterson"

Pocket Jimmy Patterson there is a Sergeant in the 101st and was sold as a D-Day soldier but he's actually dressed for Market Garden.

I landed on paratroopers in part because of pocket Jimmy Patterson, and in part because I like airplanes. From there, I went with the 101st over the 82nd because I already thought they had the best patch, I liked the playing card insignia painted on the side of the helmet, the number 101 is aesthetically pleasing, and I didn't know about any other airborne units.

I mean,

Come on.

(the 101st is the one on the left, and the 82nd on the right, if you didn't already know)

I say all that because if you know anything about WWII collecting and especially re-enacting you know that elite units are dramatically over-represented and for the U.S. nobody more than the 101st, and this can be blamed almost exclusively on Band of Brothers, a show I had not even seen when I landed on the 101st.

How bad is it?

Well, by way of illustration, as a stress response to the final stages of my dissertation I've been retreating into buying WWII paratrooper stuff again, and I was questioning whether I hadn't better go with another unit this time. I had a great great uncle killed in the Philippines in WWII who was in the 11th Airborne so that's an obvious candidate, but of course if you want to stick to Europe and fighting Nazis your options are the 82nd, 101st, or 17th. Of those, the 17th only really got into the war in 1945 and if you want to do Normandy, as some 90% of re-enactments do, then you're between the 82nd and the 101st.

The 82nd has a much longer history than the 101st and, objectively, and I mean this with all implied asterisks and am speaking as though I were a twelve year old who does not know better, the 82nd is cooler, the inferior number/patch notwithstanding.

So I was on a website that is well-regarded for selling WWII militaria and they have a section for patches and I was doing some comparison of original WWII-era divisional patches. The cheapest 101st Airborne patch from WWII this guy has for sale is $175, most of them hovering closer to $300, and some in the $600 range.

11th, 17th, and 82nd patches are in the $50 range.

When I still did re-enacting as the 101st, I remember talking to some of the guys who were disappointed with the rather low "authenticity" standards of our unit (always something of a joke when a considerable number of G.I. re-enactors are in their 40s-60s and dramatically overweight), especially considering that the 101st Airborne are one of the most cartoonishly over-documented units in WWII, for whom reproductions of everything are widely available, and so there's really no excuse not to have your uniform and equipment more or less 100% correct.

Sure enough, trying to do a little research into the 82nd to see what that pool would be like, the resources are shockingly slim. The 101st had two combat jumps in WWII, Normandy and Holland. The 82nd jumped into Sicily, Salerno, Normandy, southern France, and Holland. They have a much longer combat record and are, comparatively speaking, almost totally neglected by idiots like me who are into WWII.

Even as I say all this

I am having a hard time severing the internal connection to 101

[lianabrooks]

How To Keep Your (Found) Family Happy

A friend posted a cartoon about weaponized incompetence on another website and talked about how every family has this. In fact, most groups of humans have run into this at some point, it's pretty normal for humans to try to find a way to take the easiest route (even if it means more work for others).

Despite all that, I've been with the same person since 2001. We've been married most of that time, had four kids together, and moved countless times as we restarted jobs, hunted promotions, and switched career fields. And we've managed to avoid most of the pitfalls. Here's how my spouse and I have avoid fights, weaponized incompetence, bitter feelings, and feeling neglected in our relationship for over 20 years (Hint: there's a lot of communication going on)... P.S. These are all very family/relationship-centric but you can absolutely adapt them for the workplace, school, or anything else.

MAKING CHOICES AHEAD OF TIME ... the menu is made at the start of the month, money is allocated before major events, we plan trips sometimes years in advance. All of that reduces the choice making later and is one less stress to handle. This is purely a decision making fatigue thing, if you have to make a decision, it requires brain power, and after a long day you'll have none. So why not sit down on a quiet day and make all the decisions you need to make for the next week? Poof! Brain power is freed up and there is less stress!

MONTHLY & WEEKLY CALENDAR SCRUBS... we sit down and make the menu around the first of the month, and we fill in the calendar with schedules so we know which days someone will be too busy to do things like cook, wash up, or something else.

DAILY CHECK-INS... whoever is home together in the morning does a morning devotional (yoga, dance time, scriptures, motivational quote, prayers, whatever works for you) and review what's happening so everyone is tracking major tests, work meetings, stressors, ect. Then we try to have dinner together if possible (even if it means eating at 5) and then a bedtime check-in before light's out (usually scriptures, prayers, and chatting, then bedtime stories for the littles). If people are working from home, we might have lunch together too. That means we have 2-4 planned meetings a day so we can course correct. -> If you're not religious, don't stress it. Pull out some Terry Pratchett quotes, favorite poems, pick a theme song for the week and dance to it. Just give you and your people five minutes to do something happy together. -> If this is at work this might mean a team meeting at the start of the day or a 12 minute check-in at 1:30 when everyone is back from lunch. The goal is to make sure everyone is on schedule for what they need, haven't run into an emergencies, and no one has questions. A supported work team gets more done.

SPENDING LIMITS... we got married in college when we lived off college stipends of $400/m. And we had a kid. Our rule was never to spend $20 without consulting the other person. We never changed that. We discuss everything from birthday presents to grocery lists and when we're getting gas in the cars even though we're much more financially stable. It means everyone spending out of the main accounts is tracking where the money is going so we don't over-splurge.

CHORE SCHEDULES... when we were first married we'd set aside an hour or so to clean the house together. It worked. As the kids got older this got more complicated (they needed to learn how to clean). But now we're at a point where everyone has assigned chores and we put bounties on chores that need to get done and are unassigned. And then we have one cleaning day (usually Friday or Saturday) where we take an hour and all clean the shared spaces. It takes 30-60 minutes to clean the entire house if you have six people working together. Laundry has assigned days for every load. The dishwasher and cooking have assigned days. It works. Everyone helps to the best of their abilities. -> With this is a lot of Adjusted Expectations. My house is not color coordinated with everything in a bin. My family is all neurodivergent. Most our dishes live on the counters because putting them away makes them vanish. This works great for us but might be overwhelming for other people. Who cares? It's our house, we're doing what works for us and the person mad about messes on Instagram can suck a lemon. -> If you really cannot do chores, cosplay it. Roll the dice and make it a game. Set a timer. Bribe yourself. Make it work for you.

ONE-ON-ONE TIME... not just for me and hubby, but for parents and kids. We try to make sure everyone gets some alone time where they are the focus of attention and we can check-in and make sure their emotional needs are met. Kids need a space to vent. Adults to a space to not be parents. -> This is super important for friendships too. Make time for people in your life! -> At work, this means managers need to make time to talk with their employees, check-in, and assess who needs things (and consider the people's needs first, not the CEO's bonus)

SCHEDULED DOWNTIME... usually this is Sunday for us (the Sabbath day for our religion), but it can be whenever, and we might have more downtime scheduled on a stressful week than in an easy one. The goal here is to make sure everyone gets time to not work, not lead, not think, and just chill. They can play, listen to music, nap, whatever their brain needs, and they can do it without upsetting anyone or feeling guilty because it's part of the schedule. -> In an office this would mean not lean staffing, maybe having an early release day once a week (or a late start) or long lunches. Give your people space to zone out and chill so they can come back refreshed. -> Quiet Quitting only exists because management is trying to exploit their staff. Don't be that boss. (P.S. Join Your Union)

SOME THINGS DON'T HAPPEN... our kids are limited to one after-school activity a year and one AP class for high schoolers. We've tried other ways and found it generates too much stress. I limit projects I take on because I have a set quitting time, even though I work from home. My husband passes up on some away-from-home events with friends because we prioritize family time. Figuring out that balance is something you have to decide as a family. What works for one person won't work for all. -> In business this means doing sustainable, slow growth over rapid booms that overextend and hurt the system. Stop looking for the short term boost when long term is better.

ADAPT TO WHAT YOUR GROUP NEEDS!... this is the most important one, because what we've done over the years has changed in reaction to the needs of people around us. My kids in college need something different than the one starting middle school. My team at the lab needed something than my team at a newspaper. If you have a bunch of introverts, they probably don't want a dance party, they want a three minute meeting with a heads up about any major disturbances and then ten minutes of silence to prepare their souls for any human interaction. Do what works.