#and i have always been uneasy about chimps

[pierog]

i had my first day on chimps today and jesus christ. they are so cool but i sort of hate them. but also they be farting lol 💨 like a really big fat wet plffffffffpt 💨 lol

[dumdumsun]

And Dusk

A/N: It's family dinner time, babes!!

Warnings: none that I'm aware of

Word Count: 3629

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Chapter 12: Team Zero

Striding into the steam-clouded sauna where the two remaining Swedish assassins now silently relaxed, The Handler began an unprompted conversation in their language. “All the new age remedies out there, but nothing beats a good schvitz when it comes to stress,” As she sat on the bench, the two men carefully watched her. “My job can be stressful, sure. But I can’t imagine what it must be like for you boys.” She batted her eyelashes.

“Do we know you?” The Swede, who appeared to be the leader, questioned. The Handler kept her head turned forward as she stared down.

“No. But I know all about you,” Standing from the bench, she quietly chuckled and walked to the center of the sauna, the steam crawling its way up to her neck. “However, seems you’ve run into some problems on this job.”

“Just a snag.” He tilted his head.

“You lost your brother. I’d call that more than a snag.”

Snapping, the second Swede pushed off the wall and marched up to The Handler. Before he could get too close, he grunted when she grabbed hold of his manhood, freezing his steps. She watched as his mouth fell open in pain. “What if I can give you the location of the knife-hurling dolt responsible for blowing up your beloved brother?”

The first Swede tilted his head. “Who are you?”

“Somebody you’re going to want to know.” Her eyes never left the man she was assaulting. The second Swede finally found the breath within him to speak.

“Unharm my weiner.” He wheezed in English, The Handler kindly doing as he asked, a smile on her face. He sighed and stepped away as his brother held up the hand that had been twirling a knife the entire time.

“Go on.”

At his words, she turned to him. “I’ll give you the exact location of the one you’re looking for. Diego. The rest… I’ll leave up to your imaginations.”

“What’s in it for you?”

“Let’s just say that his little game of ‘Hide the Sausage’ with my daughter needs a swift end. I just have one request,” The Handler approached the first Swede, the two in close proximity now. He watched her every move. “Don’t hurt the little one with the cute socks… and the other with the face scars.”

Lifting his chin, he furrowed his brows. “We’ve already killed her.” He mumbled. She only chuckled in amusement, the two men stiffening at the realization that their target may not have been executed like they thought.

-------------------------------------------------

The clicking of Reginald and (Y/N)’s shoes against the marble floor echoed throughout the hallway they walked down. The young girl was desperately trying to keep up with her father’s long strides, her puppy in her arms and her heart beating out of her chest. If they had actually complied, she was going to reveal her true whereabouts for the past two years to her family. They were going to know that the entire time they had been looking for Reginald, she was living under the same roof as him. No matter how many times she swallowed the lump in her throat, it always swelled right back up. “D-Dad, who are these people we’re having dinner with?”

“These people have been nothing but a nuisance to me.”

Her mind flashed back to the night of the gala. Diego had been there with Five. They were there for Reginald, to find out his intentions with the president. To find out what he was doing in Dallas in the first place. Reginald was a secretive man, he didn’t even let Grace or (Y/N) into his office unless he was present as well. Her stomach twisted in knots of anxiety the closer they approached the door to the tiki lounge. When Reginald stopped just before the doors, he turned to his daughter and lowered his voice. “When we enter, you are to sit and remain silent. Do not speak to them, do not interact with them. Sit and shut your mouth unless I tell you otherwise. And your pet remains on the floor or in your lap. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir.” She whispered and held Mr Pennycrumb close to her chest, the pup quietly panting and licking her cheek. That seemed to be enough for Reginald, for he nodded and turned forward, slamming the door open and marching into the lounge.

The Hargreeves stood dumbfounded at their father as he headed straight to the table they surrounded, not a word leaving his mouth. None of them had expected to see him ever again, especially not after the funeral they had attended back in 2019. But what they really didn’t expect to see was (Y/N) right behind him, her eyes avoiding them as she absentmindedly pat Mr Pennycrumb under his chin. She especially avoided looking at Five, whose jaw was dropped upon her appearance. The real kick was when Reginald pulled out a chair and motioned for her to sit. Without even a peep, she sat down and allowed him to scoot her closer to the table before taking his own seat. The five blinked once before taking their own seats at the table.

“Not only have you burglarized my lab, set my chimp loose, conned your way into the Mexican consulate, repeatedly stalked and attacked not only me, but my daughter as well, but you have, on numerous occasions, called me-”

Klaus joined the table with a grunt, a martini in his hand. “Hey, Pop. How’s it hangin’?”

“-‘Dad’,” Reginald gave everyone a once over as (Y/N) shifted uncomfortably under the stares of her family. “My reconnaissance tells me you’re not CIA, not KGB, certainly not MI5, so… who are you?”

(Y/N) watched as they all glanced at each other, opening their mouths to answer, but quickly closing them instead. This went on for a few seconds before Five decided to do it, “We’re your children. We’re from the future. In 1989, you adopted us all and trained us to fight against the end of the world. Called us the Umbrella Academy.”

Reginald turned his head from left to right, frowning at each individual. “Why on earth would I adopt six-”

“Eight. One of us isn’t here.” Allison clasped her hands together on the table.

“Dead,” Diego muttered, his head bowed down. “One of us is dead.”

“And the eighth?” Reginald questioned. (Y/N) cleared her throat and began to speak, but stopped when he sent a cold glare her way. “What did we talk about?”

She quickly shook her head. “No, I… I’m the eighth. I’m also your child from the future. You just… got me very early this time-”

“(Y/N), it is not the time for your games-”

“It’s not a game! W-Why do you think I’ve been leaving my dates with Preston to be with them?” At the words ‘dates’ and ‘Preston’, Five leaned forward, eyes narrowed at his love. She glanced at him apologetically and shook her head. Reginald was just about to scold her yet again, but she rolled the sleeve of her shirt up to reveal the umbrella tattoo on her left arm. “Did you forget about this?”

“Yeah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Enough of that now.” Klaus hissed and turned behind him. Everyone froze and stared at him in confusion. Turning forward again, he simply motioned for Reginald to continue. Uneasy, he did just that.

“Regardless,” His gaze turned back to Five. “What would possess me to adopt… seven ill-mannered malcontents?”

“We all have special abilities.” The boy answered.

“Special? In what sense?”

(Y/N) set her pet on the ground and sat up in her seat. “In the superpowered sense.” She raised her brows. Reginald sighed and clenched his jaw.

“My child, if you do not stay out of this as we agreed, I am going to have to send you to the car with your mother-”

“Dad! I am being so serious when I tell you I am one of them!”

“Well, call me old-fashioned, but I’m a stickler for a pesky little thing called evidence,” He turned back to the table. “Show me. All of you.”

Allison scoffed and adjusted the straw in her drink. “Everybody wants to see powers all of a sudden…”

“We’re not circus animals, okay?” Luther spoke. “We’re not gonna bounce balls on our noses and clap our hands like seals for your amusement-”

As if on cue, Diego launched a knife across the table, zipping around Reginald’s head and pinning itself into the pillar behind him. The seven leaned in and watched as the man clicked his pen and began writing in his journal. “What are you writing?” Diego asked. Reginald glanced up at him.

“You are zero for two, young man.” He quipped, Allison sputtering her drink before Diego jumped up from his seat in anger. To prevent anything disastrous from occurring, Five stood and blinked in front of his brother, halting his movement and whispering a ‘stop!’ to him. “Now, that is interesting.” Reginald muttered.

Five sighed and headed back towards his seat. “Alright, uh, quick rundown. Luther: super strength. Klaus can commune with the dead. Allison can rumor anyone to do anything.”

“Except she never uses it.” Diego muttered. Allison removed her lips from her straw and sent a tight-lipped smile towards her brother.

“I heard a rumor… you punched yourself in the face.”

Against his will, Diego rammed his fist into his face, crying out and groaning in pain immediately after. Klaus reached over and tried to comfort him as (Y/N) and Vanya ducked their heads down to hide their smiles. Reginald glanced over at the latter. “And you?”

Luther placed a hand on his sister’s arm with a smile. “Uh, maybe we don’t take Vanya for a test run.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s probably not a good idea.” Klaus sat back in his chair.

“It’s fine,” Vanya shrugged, reaching for a fork. “I can handle it.” And despite her siblings’ protests, she tapped the fork against her glass. A high-pitched tone rang and shook the table. (Y/N) held her breath as she waited for the worst. A beat later, the bowl of fruit in the center of the table exploded, chunks of fruit splattering against everyone’s clothes and faces. (Y/N) tried to dodge as Mr Pennycrumb jumped into her lap, happily licking the food from her scarred cheeks and chin.

Reginald sighed along with his future children as he handed his only actual daughter a napkin to clean herself. Adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves, he side-eyed her. “Alright, my child, show me.”

Not even hesitating, (Y/N) stood and placed her pup in her father’s lap, despite his clear distaste, and straightened her clothes. “Alright. So, I can clone myself. To both summon and dismiss these clones, I have to sing two distinct three-note tunes.” To prove her point, she ‘ooh’ed her first tune, her clone appearing from her shadow, standing with a blank stare. Reginald raised his brows and began writing in his journal. “These clones not only share a conscience with me, but function as muscle and spies.”

“Spies?” Reginald frowned.

“They’re able to record their memories for me to look over in my own mind. Over the past year, I’ve come to learn that I can view these memories in real time. They also function to fulfill any task I command them.” Turning to her clone, she placed her hands on her hips. “Pick up Pennycrumb’s leash,” She commanded, the clone immediately doing as it was told. “I’ve also recently learned that I can give them the ability to talk. But if I wanted to… oh, I don’t know… attend a date with a certain boy without actually being there, I can project my consciousness into its body.”

After taking a seat, (Y/N) immediately slumped in her chair, unconscious. The clone beside her perked up and blinked twice before turning to Reginald. The man leaned forward to inspect it, but jumped back when it spoke. “But if something prevents my clones from fulfilling their task, they will start to self-destruct after twelve hours if said task isn’t completed. This is done by tearing into its own flesh and ripping itself apart.”

At this, everyone shivered.

“Right. It’s terrifying,” The clone returned to its blank and empty shell before (Y/N) raised her head. “And to dismiss, I hum the tune from earlier in its descending order.” She demonstrated said tune, the clone disappearing into her shadow. Mr Pennycrumb excitedly jumped from Reginald to her lap, nuzzling into her arm. “Any questions, Dad?”

Reginald was hastily scribbling into his journal. “Extraordinary. Absolutely extraordinary… And even more so that you’ve managed to keep this power from me for over a year.” He whispered. Turning her head, she caught Five’s proud smile. She winked at him as Diego stood from his seat.

“Look, we know that you’re involved in a plot to assassinate the president.”

“You were recently hospitalized, isn’t that correct? You still appear to be suffering from delusions of grandeur and acute paranoia.”

“Am I?” Diego reached into his back pocket and slid a picture over to his father. “Explain this. That’s you. That’s two days from now on the grassy knoll at the exact spot the president’s gonna get shot.”

Reginald picked up the photo and scanned it before his eyes moved to his daughter, the girl slightly shrinking under his gaze. Receiving his answer to the question he was to ask her, he turned back to Diego and set the photo down. “Well… I suppose you’ve solved it. You’ve single-handedly unearth my nefarious plot,” The smile Diego wore slowly faded. “Is that what you want to hear? You fancy yourself a do-gooder? The last good man who will save us from our descent into corruption and conspiracy? This is a fantastic delusion.” The more Reginald tore into him, the lower Diego sat himself into his chair until his lips were quivering and a tear slid down his cheek. “The sad reality is that you’re a desperate man, tragically unaware of his own insignificance, desperately clinging to his own ineffectual reasoning. More succinctly, a man in over his head.”

“Y-Y-You’re wr… wrong.” Diego stuttered. (Y/N) shakily inhaled and slammed her hand onto the table, alerting the rest of her siblings.

“Don’t you ever talk to him like that!”

“And you!” Reginald whirled to his daughter, the girl flinching a bit. “You have done nothing but deceive me! I half expect you to tell me that the man you chose over Preston sits among us!”

(Y/N)’s gaze instantly found Five’s. His green orbs were pleading, begging her to say it.

Tell him. Tell him you love me. Shout it from the rooftops, promise that you’ll always believe in us. Tell him.

But she couldn’t. Not when her doubts sealed her lips shut and casted her eyes away from him. The siblings stared between the two, heartbroken for their situation. Seeing that she chose to be ashamed, Five nodded and cleared his throat to speak. “Look, forget about the president. We have a catastrophic war coming in five days. We need to figure out how to stop it.”

“War?” Reginald looked away from his daughter and to the boy across from him. “Men will always be at war with each other.”

“No, this isn’t just some war. I’m talking about a doomsday. The end of the world.”

“Well,” Reginald muttered after a beat of silence. “You’re the special ones, aren’t you? Why don’t you band together and do something about it?”

Expecting much, much more than that, all seven of them frowned. This was what Reginald wanted from the start, for them to come together as the Umbrella Academy and prevent the end of the world. But it had been almost two weeks and two apocalypses managed to form due to their actions. That was why they couldn’t.

Grunting, Klaus suddenly raised both his arms in the air and shook uncontrollably, choking out gasps and jerking his body. (Y/N) gasped and slowly reached out to him.

“Is he having a seizure?”

“Overdosing, probably…”

“Should we do something?”

Whipping her head to Luther, (Y/N) widened her eyes. “Yes!” She shouted before turning back to Klaus as he shuddered. “Shit, what if he is overdosing?!”

“Klaus,” Five leaned over and whispered. “Now is not the time. What are you doing?”

Gurgling, Klaus turned his body to Reginald, face contorted in discomfort. “I’m… Ben!” He gasped out before falling to the ground, panting and groaning. (Y/N) rushed to his side and placed a hand on his forehead.

“Klaus? Are you okay? Can you hear me?” She whispered as he reached up and weakly wrapped a hand around her wrist. Reginald looked from Klaus, to (Y/N), then to his journal before he gathered his things.

“Well… thank you for coming,” He stood from his chair and began to walk away, stepping over Klaus’s body. “I’ve seen about enough. Come along, (Y/N), your mother is waiting for us.”

A loud slam sounded, causing everyone in the room to turn to Luther, who stood and ripped his buttoned shirt open. (Y/N) covered her mouth when he revealed his discolored bare chest and abdomen. “Look at what you did to me! Look at it!”

As the siblings groaned and gawked, Reginald simply turned his attention to Five. “You in the culottes. A word, in private? (Y/N), to the car. This instant.”

“Yes, sir.” She whispered before giving Klaus a kiss on the forehead and standing to her feet. Five walked by her side in silence until they had to split ways. Reginald turned to the both of them, and just when (Y/N) was going to turn out of the lounge, Five grabbed her by the shoulders and pressed a kiss to her lips. Gasping, the girl brushed her fingertips over her lips as her face burned. She watched Reginald for a reaction, but he only motioned for her to leave. “Bye, Five.” She grinned behind her hand and hurried away.

“This way, boy.” Reginald brought Five’s attention back to him, leading the two of them to the bar. After they took their seats and he ordered their drinks, Reginald turned to his future son. “You seem to be the sensible one of the bunch.”

“That’s because I’m the oldest,” Five nodded, Reginald tilting his head. “You know, technically, I’m older than you right now.”

Reginald turned forward when the bartender set down a bottle in front of him. “Cognac?”

“Just a smidge.” Five slightly smiled. As he poured their drinks, Reginald started their subject of conversation.

“The other night, you quoted Homer at me. Why?”

Five shifted in his seat and straightened his blaser. “You forced us all to learn it as kids. In the original Greek, no less.” He raised his brows before a glass was passed to him. He and his father did a silent cheer before he took a gulp of it. The entire situation was so jarring to the boy, but as he said before, he didn’t choose this life. He’s just living it. For the next few days, anyway. “This world ends in five days if we don’t get out of the timeline.”

“Worlds end. Paleozoic, Jurassic, and so on.”

“We can do something about this one.”

“Man’s greatest flaw: the illusion of control.”

The boy frowned. “I need your help. Alright? You’re my last sane option. Otherwise, I gotta make a deal that I really don’t wanna make. What do you know about time travel?”

“In theory?”

“In practice.”

Reginald hummed. “I know it’s akin to descending blindly into the depths of freezing waters and reappearing-”

“-as an acorn. Yeah.” Five finished with a sigh.

“What transpired when you tried traveling before?”

The boy blinked and shook his head as he looked away. “I botched it…”

“How?”

“I jumped too far forward, got stuck in the future for forty-five years in an apocalypse. Then I jumped too far backwards… except this time, I brought my entire family with me.”

Reginald tapped his fingers against the bar as he clicked his tongue. “Including (Y/N)?” He questioned, receiving a nod in answer. “Well, maybe your appetite is disproportionate to the size of your abilities. Start small. Seconds, not decades.”

“Seconds?” Five widened his eyes. “Look, no offense, but I need a bit more time for what I’m trying to accomplish here.”

“So much can change in a matter of seconds. One can overthrow an empire,” His eyes moved from Five to the doorway (Y/N) had been standing in seconds ago unbeknownst to Five. “One could fall in love. An acorn doesn’t become an oak overnight.”

Five swallowed, his expression that of defeat. “I was really hoping you had more than that.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be of more help…”

Five shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry, too. I gave you such a hard time as a kid… I didn’t know any better.”

Humming, Reginald glanced down before raising his glass. “No skin off my teeth, old man.” He smiled before drinking. Five sighed and downed the rest of his drink before standing from his seat. “One more thing.”

“What is it?” Five turned back to his father, freezing at the cold look he had been giving him.

“It would be best… if you refrained from courting (Y/N).”

A pang going through his chest, Five rapidly blinked and stepped back. “W-What…?”

“Your relationship is not healthy,” Reginald stood from his stool and began walking past the boy. “And besides…”

Five clenched his fists as his father walked towards the exit of the tiki lounge.

“I have plans for her.”

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[sleevesareforlosers]

DJ Hot Chimp is lovely. Discuss. (please)

she IS!!! i know this is late ive been trying to figure out how to discuss this and so im gonna talk about how chimp being lovely is a) very very genuine and b) completely fabricated

chimp sits at this nice little intersection of being very kind and very. very shrewd. shes observant! it makes her a great dj and reporter. even without Seeing her listeners she can tell what kinds of stories get people tuning in, the right ratios of music to traffic to call-in segments, and when she's taking calls she knows Just the right amounts of sympathy and humour to respond with to get the really good stories out. In person shes even better because she is SO tuned into peoples reactions and little things about her. just so observant.

it makes her seem very trustworthy, shes a great listener and can be a really soothing presence and she already knows Exactly what you're going to respond best to, which again comes back to making her a great reporter because people love to just tell her things (and if they dont, like cherri, it makes them even more interesting to her because she has to Work for it)

and if you have someone thats shrewd and a desertborn with all of the morality a desertborn is inclined to have, this could easily be terrible

and when chimp was a teenager, it was.

i dont think i'll fully get into it, but part of the reason that chimp doesnt have her original crew is because someone got tired of her being able to read them like a book and play them like a fiddle

and when all the dust settled from that and chimp was sporting a shiny new burn scar up her shoulder and the side of her neck she decided that it would maybe be better to be observant and kind, rather than observant and powerful

so she was

new name, new style, new radio dj with a vaguely-familiar accent spinning tales for the zones to fall asleep to. she started being more deliberate about things, paying attention to when people were uneasy with How Much she was picking up on, tossing out compliments that she knows people will like rather than insults that she knows will cut deep. she didnt have to do this, it doesnt always come easy to her, sometimes she drops it in favour of telling someone to fuck off in nine different and highly personal ways. but mostly shes kind and lovely because she wants to be

its genuine, but its a choice and its not an easy one, especially out in the zones

[soaringlark]

hidden intentions

just a heads up. I didn’t really change anything; this is almost exactly as it was when I wrote it down. I usually read it a couple times, and change somethings, but this was just written because I wanted to post.

oh and this is safe vore, just so you don’t have to double check the tags. (it’s something I do sometimes, because I really don’t like fat/al)

contains: m/m vore, g/t vore, unwilling prey, death mentions.

word count: 2k

Hope you enjoy!

He ran as fast as his legs could carry him, but no matter how fast he was he could never outrun a giant. He knew he never should have entered the giants’ town. ‘Why won’t he leave me alone?’ he thought.

He leaped over the uneven tiles; hoping to somehow lose the giant, or get into a place where the giant couldn’t reach. He hadn’t even run in here out of curiosity; he had been chased into the outskirts of town by some territorial dogs.

The giant had to just be toying with him, if it actually wanted to catch him, he would have by that point. In between some weeds, he noticed a deep crack in a wall of a building. Despite him being almost out of energy; he sprinted the towards the crevice.

The giant weeds proved to be less of a problem than he expected. They were quickly pushed out of the way. He scrambled into the hole in a panic, finally allowed to catch his breath. ‘Finally.’ The only thing he could do now was to wait until the giant got bored.

When the giant leaned down to peek in his surroundings grew dark. “I know you’re in there, human.” The voice of the giant was frighteningly deep. He really hadn’t expected it; he looked so young. “You’re not fooling anyone.”

He really didn’t want to speak to the giant, but his instinct to be snarky was hard to contain. “No shit, I’m not trying to!” he yelled back.

The giant froze, seemingly trying to figure something out. “Why is your voice like that?” He shook his shock of him quickly. “Never mind. Listen, I just want to help.”

“Why are you just telling me this when you can’t catch me, then?” he asked, a little worried about what the voice thing meant for his situation. He would rather not have people know that, despite it being obvious.

There was a light chuckle from outside his hiding space. “You think, I couldn’t get to you if I wanted to?” His tone sent a chill down his spine. “You know how chimps get termites out of their mounts, right?” He did not like being compared to such a common food source for animals.

Not long after a pencil was pushing up against his side shoving him out of the gap. He tried fighting against it, but, as soon as he tried getting either over or under it, it moved with him. “No, please, don’t hurt me!” Not long after yelling it he felt the giant’s fingers close around his body.

“I told you, I want to help you,” he said, but the scowl on his face told him something else. “you’re trans, right? Not that it matters, I’m just curious.”

He wanted to return the scowl, but he was too scared. “That’s none of your business!” He tried to sound mad, but he more so sounded startled. “What are you going to do with me then?” He was hoping that the fact that he was trans wouldn’t make things worse for him.

The giant glared down at him. “I’ll help you back to your town.” The giant adjusted his grip a little bit making it more comfortable. “And I would quit the attitude if I was you.” Despite his threatening words the look in his eyes softened.

Though, it only made him more unsure of what the giant was planning. First, he had been chasing for quite a long time. And then, basically, compared him to food. He didn’t like how unpredictable he was. “I’m sorry, I just-” He caught himself off; there was no reason he should apologize to him. “You know what, I don’t care.” He wasn’t going to apologize to him just because he was scary.

“Alright, then, I was going to go easy on you-” his tone, and look, became twice as menacing, “-But it seems you want to be a little brat!” The giant shifted his grip dangling him from the back of his shirt.

For a second, he thought the giant was going to drop him in the ground, before he lifted him right up to his mouth. His eyes widened, realizing immediately what he was going to do. Frozen in fear, he did nothing as the giant opened his mouth. He couldn’t even speak.

The giant lowered him down feet first. He knew that he was dead, unless the giant changed his mind. But he still couldn’t speak, or fight back. The only thing he could do was trying to keep his oversized sweater from strangling him.

The breath of the giant blew over him as his feet entered his mouth. As soon as his legs were entirely inside his mouth; it hit him full force what was happening. “Shit! Stop! Don’t kill me!” He began wrestling his legs free, but stopped as he felt the giant’s teeth close down on them.

He stared up into the eyes of the giant still seeing the scowl. “You could have just told me talking back was a death sentence!” The giant didn’t seem to care for what he had to say. He quickly shoved in the rest of him.

He tensed up; he didn’t want his life to end like this. He tried to scramble towards the opening of his mouth, but the giant’s tongue was too slippery. “Let me go! This is murder!” But his yell only reminded him, that he would just end up as one of the missing humans. Their cases were almost never solved.

The giant apparently didn’t want to dwell on his words, swiftly pushing him to the back to his throat, before he swallowed.

He shrieked; his entire lower half was already in the gullet of the giant. But he didn’t stay like that for long, as the giant swallowed again soon after. He could feel the throat dragging him farther down without the giant even swallowing.

Still the giant swallowed one last time; sealing him completely away from the outside world. The esophagus dragging him farther down rapidly. ‘I don’t want to die!’ Why was this the way it had to end? Burnt alive by acid inside the gut of a giant…

He had always hoped, like most people, that he would die when he was old and weak. But luck didn’t seem to be on his side. He couldn’t even really grasp the fact that, unless the giant changed his mind, this would be his last moments in this world.

It wasn’t much longer, before he was squeezed into a much wider space. As he dropped into it, he instantly knew it was his stomach. Unsurprisingly, it was pitch black in there. It was somehow a little comforting not having to see the pulsing wet flesh he knew was surrounding him.

He didn’t expect that the giant would speak to him, but he did. “Hope that teaches you something.”

He wasn’t sure what that meant. He hoped that it meant the giant didn’t plan on killing him. “Are you going to let me out?”

There was a deep chuckle above him. “Not quite yet,” he said, sounding rather amused. “But I can promise you, you are not going to die. Now, where do you live?”

That didn’t really calm him down, but there was nothing left to do than trust him. “Kestrel street 12…” He could hear the giant mumbling his address. ‘Please, keep your promise.’ Dying like this would be one of the worst ways to die. Though, dying from drowning was pretty bad too. He thought about it for a moment. ‘I guess I could drown in here from acids.’ The thought made him feel sick. ‘yeah, no, this would be the worst.’

Those thoughts weren’t comforting, but they were distracting. ‘I guess, if I couldn’t breathe, a stomach could be three of the worst ways to die; burning, suffocation and drowning.’ He shuddered thinking about it. ‘on top of that it would be murder too.’

He was getting a little curious, about how his stomach looked. However, he was still glad he hadn’t brought a flashlight with him; he would definitely regret looking. He tried to move around a little in there, but he just kept slipping back in place.

“What are you doing?” The giant’s voice grumbled, but he didn’t seem upset just curious.

“Uh, I’m just feeling around I guess?” He tried not to sound rude; he really didn’t want to get in more trouble. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, if I did.”

“No, I just wanted to know what you’re doing.”

“Okay then.” He would be fairly uncomfortable, if somebody was moving inside his stomach. But, then again, he would also not be willing to eat a person no matter how safe it would be. “Can I ask you something?”

There was a couple of seconds of silence. “Sure, what is it?”

“How come this is safe?”

“I don’t know, that’s just how it has always been for me,” he answered, but something about his tone made it sound like he wasn’t telling the truth. “and before you ask; I won’t tell you how I figured it out.”

“Alright, I won’t.” The giant’s words worried him a little. “Can I ask you what you name is?” The answer would most likely be no, but he was a curious teen.

“I would rather not tell you.”

“You know where I live; I think it’s fair I know your name,” adjusting a little in the slippery flesh, he continued, “My name is Oliver.”.

“Really? Was that the name you picked?”

He couldn’t tell whether or not that was meant as an insult. “Yes, I have always liked that name.”

The giant remained silent after that, making him unsure if he had said something bad. He slumped down into the surprisingly soft organ. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to try to pressure you into answering.” He didn’t expect an answer.

As he expected, it was just quiet above him. “So, when are you going to let me out?” He was hoping that it would be soon; he was getting a bit uneasy again.

“In a moment, I don’t want to be seen puking up a human.”

He shuddered; he had thought about that. He wouldn’t even have a chance to take a shower before getting home. “How am I supposed to explain, why I am covered in slime?”

“Any explanation that doesn’t involve getting eaten is fine by me,” he muttered. “Even though, I don’t believe anybody would believe you when you tell them that you were eaten.”

“I guess not,” he replied; he had never heard of people being eaten and released. It really was strange; the fact that he could keep him safe in there. It definitely wasn’t normal. But there was really no reason to question it as long as the giant wasn’t hurting him.

Not long after, he could feel the walls constrict around him. The pressure wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be, but it was still uncomfortable.

It didn’t take long for him to reach the giant’s mouth.

The giant spat him out in his hands. He looked at his slimy sweater, hoping that it wasn’t ruined. It was considered an ugly sweater, but he liked it. The giant placed his palm to the ground. He quickly hopped of it.

He looked back up into the eyes of the giant, he still had that sour expression on his face. “What with that scowl?”

He watched him for a moment. “You can keep a secret, right?”

That caught him a bit off guard. “Yes, but how’s that related to scowling?”

The giant raised an eyebrow, before his eyes morphed. The irises widened turning yellow, while the pupils stretched out becoming cat-like. “I’m a bit nearsighted.”

“H-how is that possible?” What the hell had he had the misfortune to meet? But, then again, he had helped him back to the town. “You have cat eyes!”

The giant chuckled. “Good observation,” he replied, he looked around quickly, before changing his eyes back. “I hoped that would give you a little scare.” The giant got back up on his legs. “And if you still care for my name; you can call me, Ambush.”

That was the last thing the giant said to him, before he left.

...

Next story will probably be a little more on the cute side. I’m a little tired of writing unwilling. It might also be the one I have talked about on my blog, but I doubt it. (got a little bored with it)

Thank for reading!

And feel free to give feedback, I really want to improve!

[pookyhorse]

Simian Secrets Chap.2 “Family Dinner It had been nearly a month since Gregor had rescued the human female. He was proud of his accomplishments so far. Nina had gained weight again. Her bony figure plumped with soft corners. But he kept in mind to not fatten her up as he did not want the other chimps to view her as a possible food source. And her brunette top shined with health as he kept her frequently washed and groomed. She was still uneasy with his bodily contact but tolerated it. He reflected on the lithe, feral human he once saw in his childhood. She reminded him of such warm memories. But he didn’t want to rush things. He knew it would be some time, if ever, that her mind would catch up. In the meantime he attempted to teach her simple signs such as “food”, “water” and “bathroom.” He had more downs than ups with her on training. He was sure she rarely spent time indoors and would do her business anywhere. He had to teach her that this wouldn’t do. He’d chase after her if she spotted her squatting and she would collapse in a heap, screaming her head off. He had to scoop up her shivering body and show her just outside his nest in a sand box he made just for her where she could go. He even demonstrated by pissing in it himself. She seemed quite interested in that. She had taken fairly well to her crate. Which was a necessity while he went out hunting and trapping game for the village’s food store. But as her strength grew she became more impatient being trapped in that tiny square for very long. This was growing more complicated than he thought. There was more wrong than right. “You are driving me to climb a slippery wall.” He grumbled, waving his hairy arms about. “Perhaps this is why they dumped you. A burden for me.” He plopped down in his nest of a straw filled bison hide. “I’d like to think there was more to it than this.” Nina sat on the edge of his fur nest. It was plush beneath her feet and cushioned her so much more than the simple deer hide she had in her crate. She squirmed the long strands through her toes. He gazed at her from above his broad muzzle, taking care not to make any movements. It was really the first time he’s noticed her taking an interest in her surroundings. “Do you like this nest? It is rather grand.” He picked at the hide. “I brought down this animal myself when I was ten years old. It is part of a male’s initiation into adulthood. We must prove our prowess to be a worthwhile member of this clan.” He pointed at a design burned into lower belly. Its shape akin to a simple plant. “If we have passed these tests we earn this brand. It hurt worse than a kick from a horse.” Nina mused quietly and he pondered if she even understood what he said. But at least she wasn’t giving him the usual petrified stare. Maybe she was warming to him finally. She tangled her fingers around the hairs again, popping her lips. He scooted a foot close to her. She drew back, glaring at it. “I won’t hurt you. Should know that by now.” He wiggles a toe at her and hummed. “Nina, Nina. Oh little Nina.” He gave her a soft poke in the thigh. She wrinkled her nose. “Look. I’m having dinner at my parent’s house and I’m bringing you along. I feel you are ready.” Gregor had tied a leather leash around her waist and led her along. She obediently followed him, keeping in step with her chimp master. He couldn’t help but marvel at how much at ease she was with walking upright. His kind only started to recently but still found it easier to switch to knuckle walking in spurts. And when he reached his parent’s house he wasn’t exactly getting the warm welcome he usually received. Nina studied the big nest, her knees trembling. This was unfamiliar territory and brought no comfort to her. She kept close to the only familiar individual in her life as current. Gregor grunted at her softly, giving her face a gentle stroke. He was rather pleased at how she looked to him now for safety. The other greying and burly male that swaggered about made her anxious. “Not sure why you bothered to bring that animal in here. Unless you plan to cook her up.” He grunted hoarsely. “I’m not fond of eating those filthy animals.” Gregor sat at his usual place with Nina sitting right behind him. Around him were more family members. His father was a high-ranking male of thirty eight years and was able to take on more than one wife. He had three, including his mother, whom was the youngest. They were like status symbols. And surrounding his three wives were his various children and a few grandchildren. His own mother was a timid sort, always keen on keeping tensions to a minimum by whimpering and fear-grimacing to her stout husband if he grew too fierce. She had always been an attentive mother for him. But she had a two year old to treasure now suckling at her breast. “And still no mate I see. But brings a human female instead. Are you telling us something son?” His father mocked, tearing apart a goose laid out just for him. “I expected a son of the Skyback clan to be more choosy to where he throws his seeds. Especially of my line.” Gregor rolled his eyes. “She’s just a pet. I’m studying humans.” His old father snorted in response. “Foolish waste of time.” His mother fear-grimaced again and stroked her son’s arm. He had been her first child and always held a special spot for her. “If that is what you wish to do I will support you.” Such a dear mother he had. While they noisily tore at the carcasses of fowl and tender elk fawn before them, Gregor slipped Nina a few slivers of his own. With their meat was always served with greens like lettuce. Another staple of the chimpanzee diet. Around him his half-siblings whimpered to their mothers to share their meals. Rarely did the father ever do so. That often fell onto the mother of said child. Gregor’s own mother had two other children to watch over; a nine year old daughter, soon to be mated, and a two year old son whom was nursing now. It was a typical lifestyle for a well-off family. One he didn’t care for. After dinner the family settled down in a large comfy room covered with pillows and furs for them to rest upon and groom one another. It was the normal tradition of a chimpanzee family. His stout father had plopped himself on a huge buffalo hide stuffed and sewn with feathers. Little wisps of downy floated into the air. Two of his wives groomed him on either side. While his own mother groomed him. She always marveled over her son. “I made you.” She’d often murmur to herself. Her son was the biggest and heaviest of her mate’s children. But he was not present for Gregor’s birth. He already had two other healthy sons at that time. Gregor was just another number. Nina sat close to his head, nervously shaking, her head buried between her knees. Gregor reached up and stroked her softly. “You’ll be fine Nina.” “Don’t bring her here again.” His father snorted. “Your infatuation with her creeps me out.” Some of the children snickered. Gregor ignored him. He had learned to drown out his cunt of a father’s grating voice long ago. He only blew a subtle snort but it was enough for the aged chimp’s ears to pick up. “You got something to say?” “No sir..” “As I thought..” Oh he couldn’t wait for the day that shitty old fart passed on. Maybe a big heart attack after fucking his wives too hard on a summer evening. A fat old male can be a glutton for pussy for only so long. He smiled at the thought and gave Nina’s fingers a gentle squeeze.

[30-days-of-exciting-stuff-blog]

Day 10 - Black Mirror [Series]

Do you ever feel fabulously grateful for something crappy that happened to you, because it eventually led to something good? This is one of my favourite things in the world. I had one of these moments a few weeks ago. A co-worker had been motivating us all week to spend a crazy Friday night out. For totally work-unrelated reasons, I had been feeling pretty depressed lately and most of my evenings were spent alone in my apartment (mostly re-watching bad Youtube videos, probably in order to make sure that I still didn’t like them), so I looked forward to this night out. Getting anywhere close to drunk was off the table because I had made some damn good resolutions, but I was kind of hoping that we’d meet wonderfully weird people, and find a place where the decoration would make me laugh even more than the huge portrait of Angela Merkel that took up all the space of the ladies’ restroom door in a Germany-themed bar I once went to. Enjoying the city lights and probably dancing - to some terrible 2000’s music that would remind me of the awkward teenage parties I usually wasn’t invited to anyway – sounded like a nice sequel to this.

In case you wonder: The weird Angela Merkel bar is actually called the Black Forest Society, and it’s located in Lyon, France. They have nice, original, good-resolutions-incompatible cocktails made with Black Forest Gin and fancy liquors and cocoa, sometimes served in kitschy recipients. A bit expensive, but still a nice experience. Oh, and they have bretzels as well.

Unfortunately, they had all lost their motivation sparkle by the time Friday came. Some of them wanted to get up early tomorrow, some had other plans, some were tired. I ended up being the only one who actually wanted to go. I had booked my train tickets to my parents’ for the next morning, so it became clear that this would be another lonely night in my flat. I soon found myself texting my co-worker, whining about how bored I was and asking her if she could think of something nice for me to read or watch.  She suggested me to try Black Mirror if I wanted food for thought about modern society. Black Mirror is a series of one-hour standalone episodes. That, my friends, is already a pretty great point for people like me who try to watch a zillion series at once - and inevitably end up forgetting what the hell the hot smart gay intern’s name is because 1) all these character names adding up can be rather confusing 2) they find time for an episode of the show every two months or so. Standalone episodes have that great habit of rightly assuming that, just like Jon Snow, the viewer knows nothing. Each one has its own cast, setting, and reality, which basically makes them short movies. What they all have in common in Black Mirror is the theme of new technologies and their unexpected consequences.

By the way: Connor Walsh. The hot smart gay intern from How to get away with murder is Connor Walsh. He’s one of the main characters for the Seven’s sake, how could you even forget?

As you may have noticed, the theme is pretty broad, which allows for a number of variations. Some episodes are built around a specific fictional technology – what would happen, for instance, if everyone had a chimp implant that recorded everything they did, saw or heard, and allowed them to replay the entire memory, either in front of their eyes or on a screen? The Entire History of You is centered around that possibility. In an alternative reality where this technology allows personal data storage to go even further than it currently does – and anyone who once cringed in front of an n-th attempt from Facebook to revive awkward 8-year-old memories to celebrate a virtual friendship birthday will probably argue that this has already gone way too far – memories are never faded, let alone erased. Every recording is potentially an evidence to the jealous protagonist, who suspects his wife to have cheated on him with her ex and gets more and more paranoid as he keeps replaying potentially incriminating memories. The chilling Be right back, on the other hand, introduces us to realistic androids simulating the deceased using their previous communication data. Martha, a grieving young woman whose husband died in a car crash, reluctantly begins to communicate with an artificial intelligence accurately imitating her late partner – humour, interests, reactions, everything is calculated to sound like him. The digital ghost is convincing and Martha soon finds herself in love with him, until she gets frustrated with his inability to express emotions accurately, and his lack of the traits that were not expressed by her deceased husband in his digital life. The resulting story is truly haunting – no pun intended -, and is both a heart-wrenching exploration of grief and a starting point to an authentic riot of questions in the viewer’s mind, the most interesting probably being “What spares the human from a thinking machine anticipating its reaction to every situation, and able to be loved by the ones who knew the person behind?”.

The Entire History of You - Nah, you told me your relationship had lasted one week, not one month, LOOK, I HAVE PROOF. *Memory replays*

Hi digital ghost, I guess.

My favourite episodes, however, are those set in dehumanized, acerbic, cynical dystopias, built and revealed slowly over the course of the episode. In the thought-provoking Fifteen million merits, citizens only go out of their confined sleeping boxes to cycle endlessly on exercise bikes to power their screen-covered surroundings and generate Merits, a currency that allows them to skip the untimely, inopportune, sometimes obscene advertisements that keep interrupting their activities to sell them nothing but virtual items such as accessories for their avatars. Sleep. Cycle. Skip ad – if you can afford it. Interact briefly with one or two avatars. Repeat. The protagonist progressively becomes aware of the vacuity of this existence and craves realness since he got a glimpse of it in the singing voice of one of his co-cyclers, but even the only perceived escapes usually turn out to be smoking mirrors. Another great episode, Nosedive, is set in a colourful, alternative reality where people rate one another using their phones. Ratings determine their employability, access to services and overall value in society – some neighbourhoods are exclusively reserved to people with high ratings, and a low rating will make you lose your job. This leads people to obsess over their ratings and calculate every single social interaction, hoping to get the favours of high-rated people in order to raise their score and finally be able to get the discount they need to rent a house. Satires about social media society probably aren’t uncommon, but this one has that cynical feel created by the sharp contrast between the pink-and-pastel visuals and the hypocritical, chained social interactions that take place under a social media eye constantly ready to pull people under if they dare speak their minds or complain about anything. Nosedive gets even scarier when you think back about it and realise that the terrifying society described over the episode already exists, although in a less visible way. Social media does play a huge role in our personal and professional lives – who never thought of posting something on the social media just to impress someone? Who never heard a story of someone who got in trouble at work, or didn’t get hired, because of social media material? Who never got stuck into a conversation about what a common acquaintance posted on social media the day before? Who never paid at least a little attention to the number of likes they got on their Facebook post? And about the whole rating thing – I’m pretty sure you’re already familiar with “We’ll go to that restaurant, it’s really well-rated on Tripadvisor” or “If you liked it, please don’t forget to rate us”. And actually, apps that rate people are already a thing.

Fifteen million merits and Nosedive - Different atmospheres, different alternate realities, same feeling of suffocating fakeness.

This is where Black Mirror generally gets brilliant: Although the alternate realities depicted in the show are usually noticeably different from ours, the viewer always ends up seeing a reflection of their own society. The scenarios X-ray aspects of our modern world and disguise them in a satirical, clever, accurate way that makes you think back about Black Mirror episodes long after you watched them. The questions raised by the series go way beyond the usual “You should all turn off your phones, get real again and go for a walk in the forest with your neighbour, social media turned you into narcissist brainless zombies” rhetoric. The variety of scenarios, from political satire to intimate drama, make sure you keep being surprised and never get bored. However, you will probably get uneasy pretty often – and I’m not saying that because the first episode revolves around the Prime Minister being ordered to have sex with a pig in order to save a princess from being killed. A cuddly blanket, a nice cup of tea, your favourite biscuits and a pair of arms/loving cat/soft toy (depending on what you have in store) are probably advised during, or after, a Black Mirror episode. Not providing yourself with that equipment and watching it right before going to bed will be at your own risk – I promise you don’t want your nightmares to turn into technologically advanced dystopias. Old school monsters are easier to run from.

And also: This is the tenth post of this Tumblr, which definitely deserves to be celebrated with the song that kind of inspired it. As hinted in the Crypt of the Necrodancer post, it’s the famous standard “My favorite things” (except I usually write it, like everything on that Tumblr, with the British spelling – I’m neither British nor American, and I’m trying hard to avoid cliché-ridden justifications such as “because it makes my blog posts smell like my beloved Twinings tea”). Just like that enthusiastic blog of mine, it’s an enumeration of amazing things. Let’s face it, “whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens” probably sound much better than “sad novels, weird computer games, robot exhibits and sci-fi-ish series”, but I promise I love kittens and soft mittens as well. I just don’t have enough material to write about them. Anyway, I thought you may enjoy this cover by Pomplamoose as much as I do.

[bapakharyoso]

What do you see in this image? Viewers are finding it virtually impossible to identify any of the almost-familiar objects in the picture — and it's freaking them out.

Twitter user @melip0ne shared the image [1] on Tuesday (April 22) with this challenge: "Name one thing in this photo." It has since generated thousands of bewildered replies and outlandish guesses.

The image isn't just stumping viewers; it's also making some of them very uneasy, leading to comments such as " i feel [2] so uncomfortable [3] ," " This stresses me out [4] " and " Thx losing my sanity

What do you see in this image? Viewers are finding it virtually impossible to identify any of the almost-familiar objects in the picture — and it's freaking them out.

Twitter user @melip0ne shared the image[1] on Tuesday (April 22) with this challenge: "Name one thing in this photo." It has since generated thousands of bewildered replies and outlandish guesses.

The image isn't just stumping viewers; it's also making some of them very uneasy, leading to comments such as "i feel[2] so uncomfortable[3]," "This stresses me out[4]" and "Thx losing my sanity now[5]."

What exactly is pictured in this bizarre image, and why is it so unsettling? [Why CGI Humans Are Creepy, and What Scientists Are Doing about It[6]]

Trying to interpret an ambiguous image like this sparks uncertainty, which can lead to feeling "creeped-out," Dr. Frank McAndrew, a professor of psychology at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois, told Live Science in an email.

When a person is unsure if something could be harmful, it's normal to experience a sense of unease[7], McAndrew said. But clearly this image doesn't pose a threat, so what's going on?

"We also can get creeped out by confusing things that press competing buttons in our brain, making it hard for us to categorize or understand what we are looking at," he said.

No matter how much your brain tries to make sense of the image, it just won't resolve into something familiar; this further intensifies feelings of discomfort[8], Dr. Steven Schlozman, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, told Live Science in an email.

"I think the creepiness comes from our brains' attempts at recognizing a pattern, zeroing in on that pattern, and then having the expected pattern continually disrupted by another recognizable pattern," Schlozman said.

"I swear I see a chimp in that photo. But then it becomes something else, and then something else. I can't complete the puzzle," he said. "I can get some of it, but never enough to know what I'm seeing."  

The viral picture was likely generated digitally by artificial intelligence[9] (AI), said Janelle Shane, an electrical engineering researcher who trains neural networks — a type of AI that "learns" in a manner similar to a brain.

Shane told Live Science that she was "95% sure" this image was created by a neural network called BigGAN, an algorithm Google trained to compose detailed photos from scratch.

"This kind of neural net, called a Generative Adversarial Network[10] (GAN), learns to generate images from thousands of example photos," Shane said. "It was trained to generate about 1,000 distinct categories of images, but a fun thing about GANs is that you can also ask them to generate images that are a mix of categories," she said.

The objects are unrecognizable because they don't exist in the real world. Rather, they're digital composites of multiple objects that have been smushed together by the algorithm.

In fact, Shane previously wrote about BigGAN doing just that on her blog, AI Weirdness[11]. Tweaking parameters in a model that generates images of dogs and flowers, for example, can result in a delightful crop of dogflowers[12].

Shane reviewed the Twitter picture using image-recognition AIs that had been trained on the same data set as BigGAN; they determined that the oddball "objects" were likely derived from images categories such as toy shop, bakery and grocery store, she wrote in a series of tweets[13].

AI doesn't always fail so miserably at creating realistic scenes. A neural network called StyleGAN recently generated astonishingly realistic photos of human faces (though its efforts to re-create cats[14] were frankly horrifying). Often, AI's interpretation of our world can be similar enough to be familiar and different enough to cause unease[15], "which is what makes AI-generated images so deeply unsettling," Shane said.

"We see our world reflected back to us via something that is great at textures and lighting but doesn't understand the basics of how objects work."

For those who enjoy being creeped out and want to create their own nightmare-triggering images, they can do so with the online AI art tool Ganbreeder[16], Shane added.

Originally published on Live Science[17].

References

^shared the image (twitter.com)

^i feel (twitter.com)

^so uncomfortable (twitter.com)

^This stresses me out (twitter.com)

^Thx losing my sanity now (twitter.com)

^Why CGI Humans Are Creepy, and What Scientists Are Doing about It (www.livescience.com)

^a sense of unease (www.livescience.com)

^feelings of discomfort (www.livescience.com)

^artificial intelligence (www.livescience.com)

^Generative Adversarial Network (www.livescience.com)

^AI Weirdness (aiweirdness.com)

^dogflowers (ganbreeder.app)

^in a series of tweets (twitter.com)

^to re-create cats (www.livescience.com)

^to cause unease (www.livescience.com)

^Ganbreeder (ganbreeder.app)

^Live Science (www.livescience.com)

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