#and i have a clear idea of where it goes

[spectrearia-archive]

can't believe in a little over a week, it'll be a whole year since i started writing khalan's journal :0 i've never kept up with a writing project like that for so long before (it's at 27k words now!) so i'm really proud of myself for sticking with it for this long ;o;

haven't updated it online in forever, mostly because i've been writing the entries out of order and have to slowly piece them together... but hopefully I can get back to sharing it again sometime soon. it's such a passion project of mine and i gotta remind myself that even if no one reads it or cares, that shouldn't stop me from writing anyway <3

[bortmcjorts]

[ID: a drawing of pye from outer wilds, standing with her writing staff. she's wearing an orange nomai space suit without the helmet, and she has a light brown face with curly darker brown fur. end ID]

figuring out how i want to draw the nomai, so here's a pye since i am obsessed with her !!!

[tenwhiteandalusians]

so no one was going to tell me if i got literally one episode further tenax drops that he’s the one who saved scorpus from his mom’s pimp AND that he’s intimately familiar with scorpus’ dick when he was younger. guys. guys.

[queen0fm0nsterz]

thinking about the Lady again and she actually is the Character Ever.

Starting off with her design. How ridiculously simple it is, right? Her yukata is plain brown and has a single layer, her wig (and yes, I am positive what she wears is not her hair but a wig soley because of how easily it comes undone... that kind of hairstyle is meant to STICK when done with actual hair) has no decorations befitting a woman of her powerful status and her mask is nothing but... empty. You could mistake her for a mannequin and you wouldn't even be wrong. It's by design, after all: she is as insanely important, as a figure, as she is anonymous as a person.

But then, it's with amusement that you note that that boring, unexpressive mask is called the "Rascal's mask" when unlocked. It's such an oddly affectionate nickname stemming from a person so utterly despicable. And then you notice her hair. Her long, black hair that should be hidden under her wig, as the hairstyle goes, but are instead hanging out freely. Not very traditional at all, right? You could almost read it as a small act of defiance of... something. Now, what that thing is, I doubt even she knows. Maybe it's just her way to seek individuality without having to step into zones she does not want to touch.

And then, of course, the lack of shoes. It's not uncommon for people to wear slippers in the house - especially for the Japanese - but she just... doesn't. In that small, small way, she is similar to Six - and every other child in the Maw running around barefoot. Except she's above running, of course. She's got the privilege of floating like a ghost so that she may never touch the ground.

(The only time when this rule is broken is when she fights Six, poetically enough. You can see her visibly step back.)

These strange little things are the first things that push you to wonder about her as a person. Not the title, not the Lady of the Maw: the individual behind the mask. Who is that person? What is she like? Is there a way to answer these questions? I think yes, if you know where to look - but is it worth to ask these questions considering what she does?

That depends on you. Me personally, I think there is narrative worth to be found in what she has to hide. Her foil, Six, finds value in the aspects of herself she does not hide: she is very unapologetic in her selfhood. The Lady isn't, for the most part.

(I wonder if that would make her envious of her younger counterpart in a different context?)

Frankly, looking back on her choice of attire, the fact that her personal bedroom is barely decorated is not surprising. She only has the essentials: a bed, the vase with the key, a few pictures of importance (of people long forgotten, herself included no doubt) and... an ungodly amount of misplaced clothes all over her quarters. All the same yukata, repeated over and over, maniacally folded and arranged in towers, but never where they're supposed to be.

A bedroom is the reflection of yourself. Of your inner world. The fact hers looks so barebones is quite telling about who she is. Or isn't. She herself may have some trouble trying to figure that one out.

I think that, in a vacuum, it's easy to assume that the reason she's so displeased by her reflection is soley out of vanity. That is definitely part of it, but I don't think that's all there is. Because after seeing the mannequins that all look just like her, the four women in the picture who also wear her same exact clothes... and that hidden quote.

This quote, which is from Alice in Wonderland. Specifically from a conversation in which Alice expresses how she doesn't recognise herself anymore because of how many times she grew big and small during the course of the day. She is not the same person she was before entering Wonderland.

I find the way she clings to the dolls and the music box to be much more... sombre when keeping this in mind. In a way, that scene is reminiscent of Monster Six clinging to her music box in the chaos of the Tower; an attempt to attach to something safe. For the Lady, it's even more personal. Those are her toys. Her song. No one can take them from her and claim them as theirs. These materialistic tomes are physical proof of her identity. She likes dolls, and she likes to sing that song from her music box. Surely, that much is something.

But a ceramic toy and an old music box are not really enough to placate the inner turmoil. Hence the broken mirrors, the hidden statues... the hung down portraits with their eyes scratched out - from times of the past. There is a person looking back in the mirror which she does not recognise. That can't be her, right?

It isn't. The reflection is but a faux image of her outward appearence. The inside, however... much like this concept art shows, she is melting away. Rapidly decaying no matter how much she tries to stick to her youth.

Because at the end of the day, that's what she's doing, no? The toys, the music box, her appearence... all of it, just to cling a bit more to the person she used to be. Point being that I doubt even she remembers what she used to be.

You'd think a person like this would be inclined to feel at least some sympathy for all the lost children wandering the Nowhere. A sense of kinship, perhaps, or even just... basic human compassion. She has proved to have very human emotions, after all. This is where she proves you wrong. Whenever you think she's stepped the lowest, she always goes lower.

In her humanity, she is brutal. Relentless, ruthless. She offers no sympathy to anyone and has no empathy to spare either. She is very much aware of what's going on under her roof: she not only allows the Maw to continue being the way it is in spite of having the power to change things, but she actively engages in its despicable practices. She has petrified children in her quarters, as well as their ashes - of which the use is unclear - and then she is responsible for the Nome population and exploitation being so large and so eerily heavy. She's twisted necks, broken bones, murdered innocents.

The Shadow Children are, to me, one her greatest offenses. I don't think they serve any particular purpose other than... being there because she wanted to make them. Children ripped away from their life because of her whims. Not even in death can they rest because she can get her hands on their souls. They're nameless, forgotten shadows with blank masks: they're just like their creator, in that way. Ripped of all individuality and devoid of everything.

Everything she sees, the Lady devours. Not a creature is safe from her shadows and her wrath, especially if they come and actively intrude in her activities. She's twice as aggressive if the Maw is at stake.

The Lady's personal bedroom has another motif piece which I did not previously mention: the Maw wallpaper. While Roger and the Chefs have wallpapers that portray them with her, the Lady... does not. She only has the Maw. She's not part of that picture.

The Lady can't let the Maw change its ways. She is the Maw. The Maw must survive: so must she. To change the Maw would mean challenging herself enough to bring about a change; to her, who does nothing but lament what she lost, that would be too much effort. Too outside of the comfortable zone where she can survive in peace. Miserable, but unbothered.

... For the most part. Until Six comes around.

[apollos-boyfriend]

I hate matpat because he admitted to not playing the games he makes theories on. like?? that’s his job and he can’t even do it right??? he lacks reading comprehension skills, like I swear he does

oh you don't have to swear, he does. fully. i'm not into hollow knight personally, but last time a post of mine critiquing his theories blew up, i got a lot of notes saying that his hollow theory (or at least one of them? idk if he's done more) is wildly despised within the community because it's apparently debunked in like. literally the first cutscene or something.

i've said this before, but it's kind of a weird line between "he does not have media comprehension skills" and "he DOES realize these things, he just doesn't give a shit and will say anything to make his theory make sense". for example, something i do know well: fnaf. in his like, "final timeline" or whatever the fuck, he creates an entire narrative about elizabeth and the funtimes being LATE in the timeline, taking place after the crying child's death. however, in that very video, he points out the OVERWHELMING amount of evidence that the crying child witnessed elizabeth's death, from the nightmares having stomachs on their mouths (elizabeth was scooped through baby's stomach) to the fact that the game constantly tells the crying child to "remember what he saw" or something loosely along those lines. he is AWARE of the fact that these things exist within the text, however, he has this fucking superiority complex that it doesn't matter, because HIS theory is CLEARLY right, these very important lore texts must've just been bullshit.

[cookinguptales]

heads up: I just started experiencing partial blindness, which is kind of scary because that's a thing to watch out for with EDS. I'm eating and getting ready to go to the doctor now. my vision is steadily getting worse, so I just wanted to make a post before it gets too bad to do so. if you abruptly stop hearing from me, that's probably what's going on.

[ioannemos]

the particular bad guy of this episode, a little apprehensively: the audience wants to see me die?

nate, with more sincerity than anything he's said to anyone in her presence before: like you wouldn't believe

[chloecherrysip]

Every time Mario is visibly concerned/worried about Luigi in the trailers/TV spots/sneak peeks/etc shown so far.

[shorthaltsjester]

nothing more morally reprehensible than a cleric (checks notes) using the key features of their class…? surely that can’t be where we are regarding analysis of character actions in cr at this point.

[raisinushigher]

stupid garbage brainstorming for possibilities w gandhi + abe in future seasons . normally id type the words out onto the drawing afterwards but this is just so cringe and self indulgent thst it doesn’t matter enough to do that

[elegyofthemoon]

shaking excitedly and tiredly

[the-kipsabian]

i just want everyone to remember that this platinum tier promo exists cause its my everything

[birdietrait]

need to write more about cairo…i miss him

[caterpillarinacave]

I just got first aid called for me out of nowhere, whilst feeling totally fine. Like sorry, but I can’t look that bad right???

[cascadianights]

Something I've been thinking about a lot and don't have the words for yet is... the way many leftist spaces are really quick to either 1) list all aspects of their identity as proof they can be talking on this subject (therefore if you do not ESPECIALLY if someone disagrees w you you are by default assumed NOT part of the group speaking out and over it) and 2) in the lack of those identifiers assume privilege.

Not just in the terms of "I disagree so you must be outside this group/not have this apply to you" but also in terms of the thin slice decision based on a profile picture or an intro of how oppressed you must be (not) and how much privilege you carry (assumably all of it). And the way that interacts with my whiteness and any trace of femininity I can't squash because people see a picture of me and come up with a story (str8 yt probably cis girl from Large City California and Money) and that story is inherently at odds with almost all parts of my identity ESPECIALLY the ones I'm struggling with most in terms of them being visual.

The real world does not doubt my poverty as I walk through the store with holes full of clothes and a tennis shoe half flopping off at the bottom. The bullies in school never doubted my queerness or the way my looks othered me - my thick eyebrows my thick, dark body and chest hair on top of large breasts sagging against a dollar store sports bra. The people in public may doubt my disability, until I start rocking back and forth and pinning my ears bc the lights and screens and dance music at the tmobile store is Too Much or I faint mid conversation and wake up confused and bruised. My being trans is easy to overlook some days, completely at odds with everything about me another. My being assumed to be a str8 cis woman burns in my veins and gut like poison. My skin is pale and white and that means I've never faced racism, but it also means that when my dad tried to explain how important his native ancestry was to him and how his father (long dead by the time I was born) and grandmother (actually native) cared so much about it and it was his connection to them, I basically told him we couldn't be native because we are white and destroyed most of the things he gave me related to that bc I was taught that anyone who looked white pretending to be native was a liar and a colonizer, and it took me until I was TWENTY EIGHT listening to a native activist talk about how those ('liberal leftist') ideas were based in and perpetuating blood quantums set by the government and the idea that we just needed to breed the Indian out of the man by diluting it and teaching the next generation to ignore and walk away from it and my entire worldview on a part of my identity and how Id internalized how I was meant to view it cracked and I still haven't figured out how to renegotiate that or the way I treated that ancestor and all the ancestors of hers by internalizing those beliefs, or the way that poverty means most of my family died young or in abusive relationships and I have DESPERATELY little to go off in terms of family stories or traditions or knowledge or trees farther back than my great grandparents. Every woman in my family as far back as I know married an abusive man, and at least one was killed by her husband! Some of my family came from Ireland and Scotland as refugees, hundreds of years back, and just stayed in the north until abuse and poverty chased them south. My family tree is one of unspoken mental illness and autism that gets talked around, one of poverty, one of abusive men and strong women fighting to survive.

And anyways none of that can be put into an intro section or summarized into neat lines and boxes of identity and my whiteness is inherently entrenched in generations of poverty and refugees and questions of identity and the way my femininity is seen as amplified no matter what I do, and that part of me being seen as the Exact Same in a conversation or quick slice judgement as a Berkeley blue eyed white woman whose family owns a house in the hills and has 300 generations back of middle-upper class wasps (this is about a real person and I can name 3 similar ones off the top of my head) feels so wrong and debilitating and undermining and invalidating and without a doubt almost always Additionally poses me as str8 and cis and then I am told passing as such is a privilege when every part of my being is screaming to be seen as my actual self or as some more realistic version of my actual self or at least not as some immediately discarded Karen talking about shit I know nothing about instead of a disabled queer person who grew up in poverty left my home state and family as an early political and climate refugee and has spent years engaged in real world activism

[aro-laurance-zvahl]

You ever see something and it’s like...people know MCD isn’t just a Fantasy MyStreet AU right?