#and i hadnt really talked about how weirdly important it was for me to have these cheap gimmicks to make art look Good

[pinkysberg]

personal under the cut bc i feel weird talking about anything red dead related anywhere else whoops.

so red dead is obv very important to me. in a very. obvious way lol. it's hard to ignore. and it's something im weirdly insecure about, im not sure why. i think im embarrassed about being 25 and loving something so intensely, even if that passion is directly related to like. a cognitive difference. i just feel kind of silly. so i don't talk about it much outside of the internet BUT

i wanted to get into dating, im about to graduate soon and i'll have time so i downloaded hinge uhh. in february? i don't know. and i was like. i gotta get this red dead thing out there NOW because i don't know how to bring this up. "yea i have a very deep, passionate love for this cowboy game. so much so i run multiple social media accounts dedicated to it. :)" so all i did was include a hinge voice note warning people not to bring it up bc i have a problem. in a silly joking manner.

well, this guy bit. he immediately piqued my interest by bringing it up and admitting he hadnt played. we ended up continuing to chat generally and at some point i'd mentioned that "red dead is like my star wars" to convey the level of intense passion i have for this game. he called that endearing. it ends up coming out that i run a tiktok for the game. (he will never hear about this account) and i was so stumbley and embarrassed about it, and he's weirdly impressed by it. he ends up finding the account while sending me a tiktok and then he tells me he likes that i enjoy it so much, that its a sweet trait.

anyway, he's my boyfriend now and that's very new for me. ive been in relationships but admittedly have done primarily e dating til this point bc. i don't know autism, anyway. the point is, this has been a really big step out of my comfort zone but it's been very rewarding for me thus far.

he said he wants to play the game as well. im going to ruin his life.

[1ore]

Hey, sorry if this is a bit out of the blue, but can I ask what programs/brushes you use? I've been trying to learn how to paint digitally, but it often feels so sterile, and I really struggle with it. I envy how well you are able to achieve a traditional look with digital tools, and would love to learn your secret.

I'd love to see a tutorial/process video by you too honestly, but that's more just wishful thinking - I know you probably have a lot going on.

Cheers, either way! (And wish me luck)

oh my god. I went and did all that organizing and almost forgot to let you know! I put together a tag containing all of my resources/materials/art process stuff. It also has every timelapse video I've done. Each video has process rambling + lists of brushes / materials used in their YT descriptions.

I have a hard time talking about my process like I'm any kind of authority, but I tried to think about it a little and share whatever i've found helpful, answer questions I've been asked in the past or struggled with myself, etc.

Re: emulating traditional media specifically:

ok, first of all. Disclaimer: it's not all about the tools.

but if you're a hack like me it sure feels that way!!!!

When I moved from Photoshop to Clip Studio Paint, a big growing pain for me was finding real media tools that felt good to use. It's pretty obvious in the art I made during that time. Both the tools that ship with the program and the tools made by the community felt like they for completely different styles/workflows than mine. It was a struggle to adjust, and I'm still feeling it-- I don't feel like I have *my* sketch brush, or *my* workhorse painting brush. I miss my brick shithouse lineart every day ):

BUT. but. I've found some keepers along the way. Even the ones that aren't perfect analogs are still pretty great at what they're meant to do. If you're thinking about using Photoshop or Clip Studio Paint, then I can share those toolsets-- I list a few of them in my 'about', and I talk about them in more detail on those timelapse vids. I'm very picky about how my tools handle so they're probably not for everyone, but maybe you'll find something that makes digital art a little more bearable in there.

There's also a lot to be said for the little things, like slapping a paper texture on that bad boy and calling it a day. Even just applying textures to the canvas before you draw does a lot to make the drawing experience feel like it has... idk... warmth, dynamism. Tooth. It's cozier in there when I can see the paper. Admittedly it's been so long since I last looked at my sketchbook that the harsh fluorescent lights of the blank canvas no longer faze me, but it's still good for the eyes and the soul.

Other tools/programs:

Apart from the stuff I use(d) in my main workflow, I've also played with some other programs that are specifically geared towards emulating traditional media.

Realistic Paint Studio - Reasonably priced real media art program that has a decently beginner-friendly interface. This is probably the one program that came with brushes I genuinely liked, right out of the box. They feel good to use + the engine does a pretty nice job of emulating wet media in particular.

Some draws:

^^^ This was a style emulation of the wonderful Fiachmara's art, and also a gift to her, featuring her character Gealach. Didn't originally intend on sharing this publicly, but I think it illustrates this program's knack for inks.

It can also do most of the digital art cheats that I need to do in Clip-- it has analogs for the selection tool, layers, clipping masks, etc. It does not have a brush editor, so you need to be sure that you like the brushes it ships with. I also find that none of the brushes scale up large enough to accommodate absurdly large canvases (5000x5000px+ ) so you'll be stuck working at... well... normal canvas sizes. (Gealach above was about 2000 px wide before resizing-- pretty reasonable LOL)

My only real complaint is you can't export your art without the canvas texture applied to it. One time the textures bugged out on me, and I couldn't get them to fix themselves (you can see the carnage here, RIP.) I've been scared that it'll do that again to me someday, but it's been completely stable apart from this one random flub.

And hey, it's got an Actually Good Pencil Brush, so. There's that.

Rebelle 5 - hoo boy this is big $$$$$, but the brush engine in this one is just. bonkers yonkers cool for emulating real media, especially oil, acrylic, and watercolor. (I'm admittedly lukewarm on its charcoal and pencil brushes. You can create your own brushes, but there's not a huge community that's into making custom brushes yet.)

It's a mighty little art program as far as I can tell. Has most of the bells and whistles Clip does, which is a lot of things that programs like Realistic generally won't have, but are kinda necessary if you want to get into the weeds with like... Advanced Digital Art Skullduggery. (things like gradient maps and tools for ripping lineart from scanned drawings. I think that's honestly it, as far as things I do in clip that are clip-exclusive.)

Doodles:

Rebelle asks you to think like a traditional artist when you're using its tools, particularly its watercolors. Ironically, I Do Not Like This! I want to have my cake (real media tools) and eat it too (dont want to use my brain). But I think it might appeal to you for bringing some of the process into the digital space. If nothing else, it's novel to watch the paint dry.

(thats a real mechanic in rebelle)

((its fantastic, but I am allergic to it (see point one) (((dont want to use my brain ): )))))

if you play with the demo and find that it scratches that real media itch for you, might be worth reaching out for a student discount or something like that. They have educator licenses and student licenses and generally seem like a pretty accommodating lot.

Another disclaimer: these are just the tools that I've played with recently and have used enough times to talk about. There's lots of other stuff out there that I've tried but didn't like, and it could very well be that I didn't like them for the same reasons that you'll love them. There's a ton of really good free/open source programs in particular that I feel like I would be using if I didn't already have my workspace carved out. Krita and MyPaint stick out in my mind. (MyPaint was my main program for a Long time in highschool. come remember my baby art with me. )

ok its 3 am I need to close this out:

I'm tapping my other disclaimer again. Tools are not the end-all-be-all of making digital art that emulates traditional media. Pieces like No Dominion and this pic of Dia and co. required some actual neurons to fire when I was figuring out how to tackle them. But for me, finding the right tools and creating the right workspace for myself was a stupidly big part of getting comfortable with digital art. I have to take care of the little QOL things like that before I can even begin to worry about the big things OTL

[mentalrubikzcube-blog]

Confront Yourself Ch. 2

Chapter 2 We arrived at the hospital and I was rushed inside. I only caught a few images of what was going on because my eyes were still very strained and sore. My head was also still trying to work up the strength to make sense of all of this. Daya stayec at my side. She was alwats there for me. I even saw Spitz there. Daya threw him out. Apparently there was a bit more to the story. Daya woukd later on confide in me that Spitz originally was gonna bring me to the hospital in his car and as he was "helping" me in he got rather "handsy". Daya had been looking for me and checked if I was smoking, which was the go to spot if I'm not waitressing. She saw Spitz and called the police and 911. I was completely unconcious the whole time and dont remember the assault or the fainting. It had to be from lack of sleep. Once the nicotine hit my sytem combined with Spitz's rage, I guess it was too much and I collapsed. I cant belive, well actually I can, but still. How could you take advantage of your employmee? Who am I kidding, its Connor Spitzman were talking about. Scoundrel extrordinare. After sometime in the ICU, I was aloud to go home and told to get rest and take a week off work. Daya stressed to the nurse that she would make sure I made a full recovery. She definitely would hold hold up her end of the bargin. She took me home and tucked me into bed. Very little was said. We both knew that I needed to just rest. What was there to talk sbout anyway, it had been a traumatic day for us both. She needed rest just like I did. When I suggested she stay the night she about cried. Daya was one of the few who knew that extending an invitation like that wasnt common for me. She thanked me and got the couch ready for her to sleep later. After a wonderful dinner of chicken cordon bleu and golden potatoes we both headed to bed. I fell back into my deep space sleep. It felt good to let go and finally recharge. As I lay there, I Kofeel tears roll down my cheeks. Why am I crying?  I thought to myself. I wiped them away and fell again into my comatose sleep. Numb. Black. Perfect. Serene. Gone too quick. Before I knew it Daya had brought me breakfast in bed. Waffles, eeggs, bacon, mixed berries, orange juice, even a side of cinnamon butter, and finally a little vase with wildflowers. The works. "Wow, thanks D." I was so grateful to gave someone who cared about me so much. She smiled and headed out of the room. Returning with my Firefly mug filled with rich Columbine coffee. "Three packs of sugar and just enough cream to coat your throught so you can drink more, right?" Daya chuckled I smiled. She knew me so well. Now before you getbthe wrong idea. No, she is not my girlfriend. She is however my best friend and I would literally die without her. She keeps me grounded and I do my best to do the same for her. After breakfast, coffee, and a morning smoke I wanna get out and go for a walk. If I'm gonna be on sick leave then I atleast wanna get some fresh air and get outside. That's the best way to feel better if youre system is upset. I tried to go for walks whenever I need to clear my head or just feel better in general. As I was getting ready Daya was in my ear telling me about how what if I fainted again and that I needed to be careful, I assured her I would be and she finally relented and let me go on my walk. I walked up the street and around a few corners. I passed pretty neighborhoods and not so pretty ones. I finally came upon a small strip mall. I wondered along the siewalk gazing st the colorful and vast stores that were included by one another. Matress store. Carribean dining. Hat repair place. Subway. I kept walking and then I saw a shop worth looking into, it was called Miss Lovely Lovely's Curio Cabinet. From the outside it looked like a vintage bookstore. I opened the door and it triggered a little bell. A lady emerged from a chair and greeted me warming then the sun after a long frost, "Hello traveler, may I offer you some Egyptian cinnamon tea?" She was a very sweet old lady. She had long almost transparent white hair and her eyes were an emerald green. Very shiny and flawless. "No thank you." I repiled. I looked around the shop in amazement. There were so many things. Clothes, books, toys, trinkets galore, and so much more. "Look around dear and let me know if you need anything." She said sitting back down. I did just that. This place was fasicinating. Vintage and modern stuff mingled together. It was beautiful and kept blinking thinking it was a dream. How have I not been here before? I ask myself. After looking at the jewlery and clothes, I gravitate to the books. After looking throught many titles I was compelled to ask her if she had a book that could help me sleep. That space sleep was temporary and I know it. "Ma'am, do have anything about insomnia?" She smiledcat my request. She disappered to the back and reappeared with a small brown leather bound book without a name. "I was hoping you would have come sooner, Reylnn Yorfath." Shd said my name, How did she know my name? I pondered in horror "Wwww-ho arrrrre you?" I stuttered "Miss Lovely Lovely of course." She chuckled "I go by many names, but that isnt important, you need this book to fix what you have broken." I didnt know what to do, so I accepted the book with no name and looked it over. It was rather tiny snd the pages were stained from the years. It also had a vintage air about it. Flipping through I saw that many of the paragraphs had multiple sentences underlined. It was very intriguing. I still didnt understsnd how she knew my name, but I wanted that book. "Hhhhh-ow much?" I asked, sounding like an idiot "No dear, this is a gift, before you can be at peace you must confront yourself." She said lovingly "Thank you." I said quietly tucking the book into my purse, I slowly made my way out of the store still amazed and looking around. Once outside I immediately light a cigarette. What just happened? I asked myself I began to make my way back to the house before Daya got worried. When I got to the front door, I looked in the window and saw Daya was sitting on the couch reading a book. I love the way her hair shimmers in the sun. To be honest I might have a slight crush on Daya, but I would never tell her. It woukd ruin our friendship. Anyway, I make my way inside and greeted her. She immediately started into how far I walkdd and if I took breaks as to not get too tired and pass out again. "Yes, Mom, I made sure to be careful." I teased her, she got a little frustrated but eventually laughed it off. I set my things down and told her about the little shop. She had never hesrd of it before. Weirdly, she checked the internet for it but there was nothing as if it didnt even exsist. Then Daya became a litte worried and asked me, "Are you sure you went there? Maybe your head is messing with you. I told you, you needed more rest." Daya huffed and looked at me concerned. I had left out the part about the book thinking she would freak out, I was even happier now I hadnt. I knew what I saw. It was real. Everything happened just like that. But then I began to question. Had I really gone there? Theres nominternet listing and my mind has been being weird lately. I swore it really happened thought. It seemed so real. Thoughts swirled around my head and I knew I had to see if I had the book. But I didnt want Daya to see and ask me about it. She woukd think I was crazy. I said rather shyly, "Well, I'm gonna go get some rest then. I guess my head is just still messed up. Anyway thanks Daya." Then I slipped away to my room with my purse. Once insixe inside I closed the door and locked it. I put the purse on the bed and stuck my hand inside. I felt my wallet, perfume, sunglasses, smokes, lighter, and other odds and ends. Where was the book? Had I really imagined all of that? I began to think to myself. Suddenly I panicked and thought once more, Am I going crazy? Did I hit my head harder then I thought? Is this insomnia eating away at my memory and thought patterns? I started to shake a bit, but I looked once more in my purse. Wallet, keys, sunglasses, BOOK! It was there. How had I skipped it the first time? Or was my mind just playing tricks on me again? I didnt know. All I knew was that I had the book and now I could finally cure my insomnia. I sat on the bed and began to read. I was shocked by how accurate and headon this stuff was. Before I knew it Daya was knocking on my door for dinner. I stashed the book under my pillow. Because for whatever reason I didnt wanna spark her curiosity. I wanted this treasure all to myself. I unlocked the door and met Daya in the living room. Waiting for me was shrimp and rigatoni. It smelled amazing. I couldnt wait to dive in. Daya gave me the pills the doctor perscribed and we ate. After a great meal and equally great converstaion we both agreed it was time for bed. "You need anything?" Daya asked as I was brushing my teeth. I shook my head. We echanged goodnights and she shut of the lights. I slid into my room, anxious to see what else the book said. Already it had me addicted. I was somewhat experiencing withdrawl when at dinner. Which I thin was more guilt then anything. I wanted to tell Daya, I really did, but I knew she wouldnt understand. So I would keep it to myself until I knew for sure it cured me of this insanity which I was desperately on the brink of. I read to myself, "Life is defined as the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones and from inorganic matter, characterized chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli. The period between birth and death. But to Live means something else entirely. Live is defined as to remain alive, be alive, to exsist in a specified way. We all are given Life, but seldom do any of us Live. We need to live. Be alive and go out and enjoy the world. Get out of our comfort zones. Aid our fellow man and conquer the earth the way The Creator intended. For out Creator is Life and we only Live through Him. For the wages of sin are death, but the Gift of our Creator is Eternal Life through His Son. All you must do is believe." I shut the book and rolled my eyes, "Great, a religious book, but still how did she know I was gonna come in there, I mean Im sure she gives everyone the same book but how did she know my name?" I wondered to myself, I didnt know how to explain all of it, so I decided to try an sleep. I place the book on my nightstand, roll over, and pull the blanket up. Maybe I'd give the book another chance tomorrow, even for being a religious book it wasnt bad. I fade into a deep sleep and I'm standing in a meadow. The breeze is light and airy. I gaze around at the cloud filled blue sky and the crisp green grass benath me. Out of nowhere I hear a voice say, "Do not be afraid, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring, and My blessing on your descendants. They will spring upnlike grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. I am the First and the Last. Apart from Me there is nothing. All who make idolsare nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless. Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame. No one stops to think, 'Is not this thing in my hand a lie?' Such a person feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him, he cannot save himself. I have made you,  you are My servant. I have swept away your offenses lime a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Creator has done this. Shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all you trees, for the Creator has redeemed you, He displays His Glory before you. Be gratious and humble becore your Creator!" While the voice spoke everything around me was changing constantly. Before I knew it I was no long err in the meadow but up in space looking at earth from above. Just floating along in space with no problems. Then suddenly I was in the mountains looking down on the majesticness of the world down below. Then suddenly I was deep in the woods and the wind wooshed about creating a harmonious rhythm through the branches and the leaves. I was amazed by everything I saw. Out of nowhere there was a flash of lightning and booming of thunder. I instinctively dropped down out of fright. I heard the same voice one more and it spoked louder now, "I am the Alpha and Omega, The beginning and the end, there is nothing without Me. Nothing! Bow before your Creator you miserable creation." I got down on my knees and bowed, and in the blink of an eye I was back in my apartment in my bed like nothin happened. What just happened? I thought to myself. I fell back asleep after much tossing and turning, no crazy dreams this time. Just a deep deep deep sleep.