#and i had a chunk of tooth stuck there until it eventually came out when i was chewing on like

[oetscop]

im so petty but if you had Slightly crooked teeth as a kid and got braces i want you to like die

my right canine is out here trying to go on vacation in my nasal cavity and u got braces for the most Mild of tooth gaps

[calebdumes]

Hera lives off of ration bars. Kanan doesn't really know how to cook, but is determined to learn in order to avoid eating a ration bar ever again.

Kanan would be a meal prepper.

fandom: star wars rebels

relationship: kanan jarrus/hera syndulla

rating: n/r

word count: 1.6k

~

One thing that Kanan learned quickly after joining the Ghost's crew was, Hera had no taste buds. That had to be the only explanation as to why she could exist on ration bars alone. Literally. There was no other source of food to be found on the freighter and Kanan had looked. He scoured every nook and cranny of the ship looking for something, anything, that wasn't those horrible processed bricks. After finding the third box of the food supplements in storage Kanan was starting to feel a little desperate. Surely, surely, Hera ate actual real food. She had to. 

"They cost less and keep longer than fresh food." Hera had explained. 

Kanan stared at her dumbly. "But what about taste?"

"What about it?"

"Don't you want your food to actually taste like something?"

Hera shrugged, nonplussed. "I think they taste fine." 

"You're kidding right?" he said in disbelief. "Please tell me you're kidding?"

"Why would I kid about this?" she bit down on a bar, the resounding crunch sounding like a rockfall. "It's just food. Besides, fuel for the Ghost isn't exactly cheap." she waved the bar in front of his face. "So we compromise." 

Kanan could compromise on a lot of things. 

Food wasn't one of them. 

Kanan's aversion to ration bars went beyond the lack of taste and the potential for losing a tooth. Oh he'd eat one if he was in a pinch but after the fifth or sixth ration bar exclusive meal, the air would start to smell faintly of blaster fire and the bitter taste of ash would be heavy on his tongue.  Life on the front lines wasn't easy and it was difficult to make real food when you were fighting off battle droids. 

No, Kanan would compromise on whatever he had to if it meant that he could have actual food. 

And if it was cost she was worried about, well Kanan had just the thing to ease her mind.

"This shouldn't take long." Hera said as she powered down the Ghost's engines, the walls of the spaceport surrounding them. "Just a simple intel exchange and we should be on our way."

"You want me to come with you?" Kanan asked, going through the post flight checklist. 

"I'll be fine." she said lightly. "I've met with this contact several times before."

"If you're sure."

Hera smiled. "I am. But thank you though. You could check out the market while you wait if you don't want to stay on the Ghost." she suggested before climbing down the latter into the hold. Kanan waited in the cockpit, watching as she disappeared into the station before moving. He grabbed a handful of credits and a bag before sliding down into the hold.  

The market was brimming with beings from all walks of life, the air thick with the smell of cooking meat and familiar spices. Kanan's stomach rumbled. He made his way through the throng of people looking for his ingredients, stopping momentarily to buy himself a ronto wrapper, savoring the spicy meat and warm fluffy bread - a far cry from the bricks he had been forced to eat the past week.  

Kanan wasn't the greatest of cooks in the galaxy but he was at least passable. He could make food that tasted reasonably good and only slightly burnt. Cooking wasn't really a skill the Order bothered to teach its students, there was a lot they didn't bother to teach, but it was one he had to learn out of necessity. And even before, in the quiet lulls between battles Master Billaba would show him how to make simple food with whatever planet they were on had to offer. In fact it was one of her recipes that he was using to show Hera that food could be cheap and taste good if you knew how to work it.

He was just putting on the final touches when Hera came back, the doors to the galley sliding open to reveal her curious face.

"What's that smell?" she asked, taking a seat at the small table bolted to the floor. 

"That," Kanan set a steaming bowl of stew down in front of her with flourish, "Is food. Real food."

Hera looked at it warily before taking the spoon he held out to her. She dragged the utensil through the creamy broth, picking through the chunks of tubers and nerf meat before bringing it to her lips. 

Kanan waited, watching as her eyes grew wide. "Kanan, what is it?" she asked, her cheeks punched out, full of stew.

"I don't actually know the name for it." he said sitting down across from her with his own bowl. "My Mast - someone I knew used to make it for me a lot. Or some version of it at least. She never did write it down."

"It's so good." she said between bites. Kanan could feel the heat rise in his cheeks and burn across the tips of his ears from the praise. Hera devoured her food making tiny little moans that had no place in a galley. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tried to focus on his food.

Hera was a mystery to him. He still couldn't figure out what it was about her that made him want to give up his life as a drifter, bouncing from one planet to the next, one job to the other without caring about anyone but himself. She was beautiful, that wasn't a question, but there was more to it than that; she had some kind of spark that drew him in. 

She was like a puzzle, infinitely perplexing yet always managing to stump him just when he thought he had her figured out. Hera wasn't that much younger than him but had a confidence that someone her age rarely had. She knew who she was and what she wanted and wasn't about to let anything get her in way - including him. 

Oddly enough, Kanan found himself to be okay with that. His feelings for her would dim over time, he could adjust. Besides, the future was hardly set in stone and if she needed time, Kanan would gladly wait. 

She was worth it. 

"Kanan did you hear me?" Hera asked, rapping her spoon on her bowl. 

"What?" he blinked, pulling himself out of his thoughts. 

"I asked, where did you learn to cook like this?"

"Oh," He rubbed the back of his neck. "I picked some things up here and there. But the most important thing is," Kanan leveled her pointed look. "Everything I used to make that costs less than a container of ration bars."

Hera rolled her eyes ."You're just saying that to get me to stop buying them."

"I'm serious! You can find cheap, fresh food in just about every spaceport in the galaxy if you know where to look."

"And let me guess, you know?"

Kanan shrugged. "I do. I've been out on my own a lot longer than you have. I've picked up some things here and there." He repeated. "And with stuff like this, you can make a big batch and freeze it for later. Costs less to buy, lasts long, and most importantly, tastes better."

Hera arched a brow, unconvinced. 

Resisting a sigh, he tried a different approach and took her hands into his. "Let me prove it to you. Let me cook for the next few weeks and we'll compare costs. Sounds like a plan?"

Hera's silence dragged out and for one tense minute Kanan was afraid he was going to be stuck eating ration bars until he died. But Hera gave his fingers a little squeeze before withdrawing them from his grip. 

"Fine." she relented. " One week. And if it turns out to be less like you say, I'll lay off the ration bars."

Kanan gave her a blinding smile. "I won't let you down Captain."

A blush spread across her face, heat pooling in his belly at the sight. "I certainly hope not."

.

"Remember when you use to live off ration bars?" Kanan asked, his voice low. Hera was pressed into his side, resting her head against his shoulder while the kids were no doubt making a mess in the galley. 

She snorted, her chest rumbling with a hearty chuckle. "Don't remind me."

Kanan scratched at his scar on his face absentmindedly. “I still can’t believe that was your plan.” 

Hera  pinched his arm. “I was young, first time being out on my own. What else was I going to do?”

Kanan’s response was cut off by a loud clatter of dishes from the galley, followed by harsh whispers. 

“Do I want to know what’s going on?” He felt her lean forward. 

“No you do not but when you get stuck cleaning the galley  I just want you to remember, this was your idea.” 

Kanan shrugged. “Eh, it’ll be fine.” The kids had been in charge of weekly meal prep before, so he wasn’t too worried. Besides, no mess could possibly top the first Ezra had taken a stab of making the food for the week.

“You say that now.” 

Kanan hummed, listening to the clatter in the galley. He remembered the days when that room was mostly silent, when the only sounds echoing off the durasteel walls was the crunch of ration bar. 

“Ration bars.” he chucked fondly at the memory. 

Hera pushed at his shoulder with a tisk but he could hear her smile. “Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up smart guy. See where that gets you tonight.”

His mouth snapped shut. Hera patted his cheek. “That’s what I thought.”

Kanan smiled and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m just glad you came to see things my way.”

Hera leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. “I would have figured it out eventually.” 

“Of course dear.”

[morningstarships]

karma’s a bitch - spn self-insert fic

WARNINGS: blood, torture, murder, religion, sex jokes. teeth pulling, fingernail pulling.

WORD COUNT: 1.6k

Apollo Morningstar, child of Lucifer and ruler of Hell. They weren’t exactly a fan favorite up in Heaven. They’ve killed multiple angels for getting in their way. And they never actually faced repercussions. 

Until today.

They were getting ready for bed after a long day of work. Changed out of their suit and into a baggy shirt with boxers, hair brushed out, and teeth clean. And now it was time to relax with their loving boyfriend, Dean. 

As they left the kitchen with a glass of water, something felt off to them. They shrugged it off, sipping off the glass. A shuffle came from behind them, making them turn their head with a raised brow. Angels. Before they could snap their fingers to kill the feathered beings, the two angels wrapped a chain around their throat. The glass fell from their hand as they were forcefully transported from the bunker. 

Honestly, they didn’t expect this. They knew, eventually, that they’d have to face some pissed angels! But not now.

Apollo was amazed at the fact that the two lower class angels could even restrain them to begin with. The nephillim had been pinned to the wall of a pure white room, iron shackles digging into their pale skin. The two had scurried away, replaced with a new angel. Apollo’s eyes narrowed slightly, a smirk ghosting their face. 

“Interesting tactic. Jump me while I’m in my pajamas.” Apollo teased. The woman let out a scoff, arms crossed. 

“You won’t be laughing for long. Do you realize who I am?” 

“A pompous, feathered bitch?” Apollo mused.

“I am Sarathiel, one of seven Archangels. I’m the discipline angel.” She approached Apollo with a cold gaze. 

“Just say torture, babe. We both know you angels are no better than the demons I control.” Apollo’s smirk was replaced with a sneer. “Is this about those angels I killed?”

“They were my brothers and sisters. They were innocent.” Sarathiel hissed out. “You WILL pay for what you’ve done.” One of her hands wrapped around Apollo’s shirt, ripping it from their body. 

“Hey!” Apollo snapped. Their binder rested underneath, making Sarathiel chuckle.

“You, the Queen of Hell, hide what God gave you? Pathetic.” Her palm pressed against their stomach, mumbling something in Enochian. Pain flushed through Apollo’s body, focused in their spine. Their wings, which were a bright golden and white, spread from their back. 

“I don’t like gendered terms, toots. Not a girl, after all.” Apollo grit their teeth as the pain dissipated. “You pulled out my wings. Good job.”

“This is just the beginning.” Sarathiel smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She walked out of the room for a few moments, leaving Apollo to their thoughts. This was a bunch of bullshit. 

When Sarathiel came back in with a cart of all sorts of sharp objects and devices, Apollo’s heart beat a little bit faster. They refused to show weakness. 

“Now, let’s see... Where shall I begin?” The angel mused, hand hovering over each object. She finally settled on a pair of pliers and a mouth spreader. Apollo rose an eyebrow, but when she forced the spreader into their mouth, they realized what was about to go down. “Humans usually have one set of adult teeth, but I wonder how you’ll fare.”

Apollo couldn’t say anything as Sarathiel pulled down their face, shoving the pliers into their mouth and grasping at one of their side teeth. She hummed in content when Apollo’s eyes widened just a bit. 

The familiar metallic taste of blood filled their mouth as Sarathiel pulled as hard as she could. Their nose wrinkled at the pain, but they didn’t flinch outwardly. Sarathiel ripped another out after the first, dropping them on the cart. She undid the spreader and dropped that next to their teeth. Apollo gave Sarathiel a bloody-toothed grin.

“That made my private parts all moist. Do it again, Mommy.” Apollo uttered out. Sarathiel’s face became one of disgust as Apollo let out a loud cackle. 

“You disgusting creature!” Her voice pissed off Apollo. So haughty and pretentious. Apollo licked their teeth clean of the blood. The angel swiped up a thin silver blade, eyes narrowed. The blade was dug into their stomach, earning a slight hiss from the nephillim. Sarathiel smirked at this. Apollo couldn’t wait to rip her apart. 

“I hope you realize that my boyfriend will come looking for me.” Apollo’s voice was harsh, eyes narrowed and glowing dangerously. 

“Dean Winchester? I’m hardly scared of him.” Sarathiel rolled her eyes as she carved into their skin. 

“What if he gets my father after you?” Apollo had struck a nerve with that threat. Sarathiel’s movements halted. “All of you are scared of him. Cowards.” 

“Shut the hell up, abomination.” She thrust the blade into their thigh, turning on her heel. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Can’t wait.” Apollo grinned slightly, the angel walking out of the room.

Apollo didn’t sleep at all. How could they? 

By the time Sarathiel had come back, Apollo’s body was starting to hurt from the position they were stuck in. And, y’know, the...knife in their fucking thigh.

“Back for more?” Apollo’s voice was husky at this point, throat dry. “I gotta tell you, I’m more of a top than a bottom, but if you want to get -” Their joke was interuppted by Sarathiel suddenly ripping a chunk of their feathers from their wings. “Motherfucker!” 

“Silence your foolish jokes.” Sarathiel growled lowly. Oh, was someone cranky?

“Aww, did someone piss in your Cheerios?” Apollo stared at her through half-lidded eyes. Sarathiel said nothing, twisting the blade that still rested in their thigh. A hiss escaped their clenched teeth. 

“Why them?! They had done nothing wrong!” Sarathiel demanded as she pulled the blade from their thigh and allowed it to clatter to the ground. She was really upset over this, huh? “You killing them is comparable to me murdering your loved ones.”

Apollo licked their lips, pondering over this statement. Their eyebrows scrunched up as they opened their mouth to speak. However, they were stopped by Sarathiel punching them square in the face. A crack sounded throughout the room. That was gonna leave a mark.

“You wanna know why them?” Apollo spit blood onto the clean white floor, curling their lip into a sneer. Their nose was trickling blood. “I can name each one. Maalik was an asshole. He called me a mistake. Amitiel told me that my family didn’t love me. Dumah just caught me on a bad day. And the one with the pink bow...What was her name...?”

“Iaoel... Her name was Iaoel.” Sarathiel grabbed another chunk of feathers, slowly peeling them away with narrowed eyes. 

“Yes, her. She looked innocent, but she had killed hundreds of my demons. Now I don’t like demons. They’re expendable. But when you start delivering their hearts to my throne, I start to get a little pissed.” Apollo clenched their teeth as their wings began to throb with pain. 

“You’re a liar. Just like your father.” Sarathiel breathed out. She grabbed a cleaver from the cart, swinging it down into one of their wings. “Try flying now.” Apollo let out a sharp yelp. The angel went towards their clawed hand, switching out the cleaver with the pliers. She clamped down on their ring fingernail, ripping it off in one swift motion. 

“Shit!” Apollo swore loudly, staring up at the ceiling. “You dumb fucking cuN-” Sarathiel had picked up the cleaver again, lodging it into their chest. And Apollo let out a genuine scream. Their breathing was rapid once she went to another nail. 

But something had happened. An alarm blared through the entire room, forcing Sarathiel to let go of the pliers and rush out of the room. 

Apollo’s heart was beating in their ears, the alarm continuing to pound at their hearing. 

“Apollo!” Dean’s voice made them freeze, eyes widening. The door swung open, making Apollo let out a shaky sob. There stood the love of their life, his angel buddy, and his little brother. “Holy shit.” 

“Dean, hurry. The distraction won’t hold for much longer.” Castiel’s voice was urgent as Dean rushed towards the now crying nephillim. He grabbed the chains, undoing them from their body. Apollo fell into his arms, wings arched. 

“What the hell did they do to you?” Dean’s eyes were narrowed. Sarathiel appeared in the room with an angry growl. Apollo grabbed the cleaver before she could. They might’ve been broken down, but they would raise hell. They shoved Sarathiel into the wall and did the same Enochian spell that she had done to them.

“What are you--?” Sarathiel’s words were cut off when her wings appeared. The cleaver was slammed into the bone of her wing, forcing a scream from her. Apollo repeated the motion with the other wing, giving the angel a cruel smirk. 

“Try flying now.” Apollo’s eyes were filled with glee as they backed up, dropping the weapon and clinging to Dean’s arm. Castiel grabbed the three and teleported back to the bunker.

Dean was all over them once they were safe again, inspecting each mark that Sarathiel had left. 

“You’re not getting out of my sight for a while, got it? I thought I had lost you.” Dean held them close, peppering them in kisses. Sam grabbed the first aid kit, forcing them to sit. 

“Dean, I- I’m sorry. This was my fault.” Apollo admitted.

“No. It wasn’t.” Dean began to patch them up, tucking a piece of hair behind their pointed ears. “You don’t need to apologize. I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean.” Apollo’s eyes were filled with tears. 

Everything was going to be okay.

[a-wanderin-whirlybird]

A Family Mob AU: Alfredo

Alfredo Headcannon time! I know I'm not very consistent in these. In trying as best I can. I write these between lulls at work or job hunting as it is now. And I'm applying to Grab school to so my mind is more scattered than usual. But I dont plan on stopping! I'm going to get at least headcannon lists like this out as often as I can. I aim to have more short stories out in this and the Sole Ender AU out when I can.

Now, its Alfredo Time!

Alfredo was born and unceremoniously dumped at a Street corner

He was found by a Cashier at the corner store at 1 am

He was taken to the police shortly after

No name and no past Alfredo grew up believing his life was normal

It was normal to make up new names every day

It was normal to have different caretakers every few weeks

It was normal to be unwantes

Eventually Alfredo met Gavin

Gavin was exactly what little Alfredo needed

Gavin gave no shots what the adults around them thought if he thought it was wrong he did something about it

When Alfredo didnt get dinner again Gavin gave him some of his own food

Alfredo began to copy him giving others his food and toys and hiding them from mean people

Then they were locked in cages after moving houses

Alfredo didnt understand why they were locked up, but he didnt have Gavin to hug anymore

There they Met Matt first

The boy had been there the longest and learned how to survive

He helped teach the new boys how to hoard and hide what little food they got.

He taught Gavin to Pick locks so the three could sleep in a pile

Alfredo never figured out until years and years later why Gavin went dead eyed during those years in the cages

Soon Michael and Lindsay joined

The two were loud, violent and untameable

They fought tooth and nail to stay together until Matt and Gavin worked their magic and got the two to trust them

They taught Alfredo it was ok to Bite and Hit and Kick and if you could, Find a Big Stick

The small family stuck close together

Alfredo began to pick fights at school and found he had a knack for beaning people in the head with rocks

Though everytime he got caught everyone got in trouble, no one regretted a second of it

When Jack came Alfredo warmed up to them first

Jack had gotten a hold of one of Alfredo's old stuffed toys from the foster parents and snuck it to him one night

Alfredo started to get the others to loosen up to

Then Jack broke them out of Hell

Alfredo was excited to be free and finally start a new life

Then they got caught and sent to the Labs

Alfredo was somewhere in the middle when it came to power developement

He was being dragged to a session with the Doctor when he bit the guard holding him

He didnt expect to tear a chunk of flesh off the person's arm

Nor did he expect to poison the guy and kill them

Alfredo thought it was normal to feel no remorse for his first kill

When his extra arms grew in the boy was bedridden for months as they formed

Ryan would teleport anyone available into his quarantined room to m soothe the boy

Gavin was the best at that

When they escaped Alfredo took to hiding his arms under his clothes in public

He adores Fairy lights and making a web of them to keep his room lit

Alfredo doesnt want to experience what most people call normal, he worries he might break if he did

[ironworksg]

Humans are space orks: Rage & Wrath

I've seen a lot of posts on humans when angered getting really quiet, focused, and detached turning into silent death machines. What if however they got used to this and assumed it to be the most extreme form of rage that humans we're capable of? Now what if however, they saw what happens when you break a human?

[Transmission from hostile race Designation: Qit'arl]

The fleet commander stared at the prompt on screen along with trillions of others that this was being broadcast to. The alliance of Unified Planets had discovered a race of conquers from several galaxies over warped into our galaxy some 2 decades ago and initially had extended the hand of friendship to them as they had to every race currently flying the alliance's banner.

This race the Qit'arl had responded instead with explosive rounds demanding that all submit to them and serve under them. We responded in kind. The captain ran his three clawed hand over his chitinous head closing his large eyes and letting out a hissing sigh, something he had picked up from humans he noticed.

Humans, he remarked to himself, humans had played the biggest part in there campaign to stop them. They fought the hardest and sacrificed the most in this war. Their numbers dwindled somewhat but due to the extreme resilience they often followed the motto " It doesn't matter how you die, only that you take as many with you as you can."

And that's exactly what they did, to the point that the Qit'arl began to focus only on crippling humanity. They destroyed or attempted to, a number of humanities world's in an effort to reduce their losses and send humans back out of this war licking their wounds allowing them victory. But humanity was stubborn and persisted. 2 decades of blood shed had shown the other races the steely rage humanity had and at first it terrified them, but like all human habits it was eventually accepted as their nature.

"Answer there call, let's see what they want." A communications officer nodded bringing the face of their enemy on screen.

"You and all those that are being broadcast this message across your entire, PITIFUL, STAR SYSTEM will stand down," the creature chirped much like he did but far more brutal and savage. The admiral sighed again, knowing well he was being transmitted to the rest of the galaxy, yet unable to hold in his fatigue.

"I am Admiral Ta'kan of the 23rd fleet, you have not right to make demands of us," he spoke somewhat dryly knowing well that diplomatic peace was never an option with them.

"Then we will show you what he have learned," the creature stepped aside showing a grey room with a human strapped to an metal throne looking rather bored and apathetic despite being behind enemy lines. The admiral straightened a bit gaining a great deal more focus as the Qit'arl approached the tied down human. The human himself despite looking rather bored and somewhat "roughed up" seemed to be fine. Admittedly the human even for his species was somewhat large and well built, A soldier he mused from the dirty ripped military fatigues he wore.

The creature rasped, " This race the Huuumon is the only of your army that presents us trouble, however, the trait you pride them on their "Pack bonding" as you call is a horrible weakness to us and we shall now show it to you."

The frame shifted slightly to show the entire room and the single metal door that served at the entrance and exit. The door opened and a Qit'arl holding a member of the admiral very own species was escorted in causing him and the tied up human, to tense up . Through the door more came each escorted by one Qit'arl soldier.

"We captured the ship containing this humans allies with whom he has "bonded" too for some time." "Now watch what we have learned" he nodded to the last guard who promptly shut the door. The admiral watched as the Qit'arl produced from a corner of the room a tray that he wheeled in front of the human. The tray contained all manner of things to inflict pain and suffering, even sending a shiver down his spine.

The Qit'arl lined the some hundred and twenty of the humans bonded friends and picked one from the line, throwing him to the ground in from of him causing him to strain with hate in his eyes against the restrains holding him in place desperate to help his friend. The leader walked to the now coughing xilankt whom he grabbed with one curved pincer reaching for the tray and randomly plucking a vial of unknown clear substance off of it. He then tried to force it down the appendage that served as it's throat before dropping it and standing to the side watching it as it retched and sputtered to get the liquid out before large boils appeared on it's flesh and engulfed it and a sickening pop was heard by the trillions watching in horror.

The human man strained harder against the bindings as the admiral watched each of the prisoners be tortured and killed in front of him . The people of the alliance knew what humans would do for those they were bonded to, what ends they would go to to save those rather than preserve their own life they risked it gladly for others. That same concept was being used against them now, a lone man unable to save those he held dear. He fought as hard as he could until he was scratched and bleeding the hatred being replaced with despair as he could do nothing.

The Qit'arl killed all of them in 3 hours with the most excruciating methods available to them.

And the Man watched.

Now he drooped against his bonds face hidden from those that could only watch like the admiral, as his last bonded friend was pulled in front of him. Fighting agains the Qit'arl he looked at his human friend not with pity or sadness but with the same steely glare that humanity had shown everyone during war. He spoke one word the the man many assumed broken long ago during the death of his bond friends.

"Human John" he spoke causing the man in question to raise his head slightly.

"Fight" and with that he succumbed to the torture designated for him. "John" went limp against his restrains blood and sweat flowing from the cuts on his hands from the restraints.

"Humans," the Qit'arl spoke again after the many hours of killing and torture, " Humans and their bonding are weak. The beings whom fight the most with are not without their flaws. Now you have seen them," the Qit'arl spoke producing a weapon from the dreaded tray again held it up to the slumped over head of John, " And now" rasped the leader. "We will show you more," and fired the weapon into the chest of the man causing small convulsions as they impacted.

For a moment, the galaxy was silent save for the still smoking weapon and the leader walking to the camera.

"Despite all you think, your humans are not infalable. They will die and-" the leader was interrupted as the guards that had stood silently in the room trained their weapons once again at the humans corpse. The leader turned around and watched with so many others as the limp hand of the once-thought-to-be-dead human slowly ever so slowly clasped into a palm as his breathing returned from an immovable breath to a roaring intake.

Once again John strained against the bonds causing his muscle to ripple through his skin and veins to bulge like tendrals through his body. The throne of suffering and hall of bodies that laid around him began to groan as it echoed through the room. Nobody did anything but stare incredulously at the man bending metal. The Qit'arl awoke from their stupor first and ordered the guards in the room to fire, and as he did.

The bonds broke.

The man chained forced to watch those close to him was free. And maker help whoever got in his way.

He ran into the wall of weapons and roared. He howled as he broke their ranks, one against many. He spashed their bodies and ripped off their limbs. The Admiral watched unable to looks away from the slaughter that one human was creating, mystified then horrified as a thought crept slowly then broke into his mind.

Humanity. Held. Back.

With that though he remembered all he had seen humanity do he remembered the sharp cutting eyes of man as they recovered from an atrocity some stupid fool had wrought on them. He remembered them marching all those races into near extinction like the monsterous predators they are.

He remembered them picking said race up from the brink of extinction and rebuilding their world with them. Humanity then was acting civilized they extended mercy and forgiveness even when an ultimatum had landed and cause d disaster against them, still they forgave.

Ta'kan watched on as a human broken by the only fate worse than death to a human screamed. His voice became raw and ugly, cracked with rage and the immensity of his wrath.

His bare fists pound down on them, over and over, shaking the camera and the chamber with the force of their impact. The galaxy watches as rounds are fired into him shearing of chunks of flesh as he continues. Humanity had now shown the darkness that they were fully capable of as one man fought with tooth, nail, and raw wrath against an army.

And that army fell, and shuddered, and squawked, beneath something that was to animalistic to be called human by any who dared say they knew what humans were capable of.

It took one Qit'arl 3 hours to do what 1 human did, in more brutal fashion, barely 20 earth minutes.

The being stood with holes through it's body and injuries beyond saving upon a pile of dead, mangled bodies. The eyes once full of controlled rage and endless despair now shone only with brutal fiery wrath. The man opened the door and more death was heard out of view before eventually 30 earth minutes later the view switched to the bridge of the ship the man holding the controls and everything caked in Gore of the bodies fallen around him.

He smiled at the camera as he was now caked and covered in entrails and blood that mixed with his. His raw voice managed one last phrase before shutting the video. One that stuck with any being that watched this vidcall in the millennia that followed after the war. After one man defeated an entire enemy ship and rammed it into the very home world of the enemy that stole the lives of his friends and transmitted the coordinates of the homeworld he had then rammed into.

"Humans aren't so fragile."

[water-hates-learning]

But It Was Home

Monster Kids AU that @mushroomminded started is too adorable. It’s so cute it’s sweeter than my Halloween candy. So naturally I had to write a thing.

******

Matt screamed for hours when Tom’s first baby tooth fell out.

Tom thought it was fascinating and kept poking his purple tongue into the hole where the tooth had been. Edd spent half his time consoling Matt and the other half making sure Tom didn’t aggravate his gums with his little claws.

He’d finally managed to get Matt to calm down when Tom asked what you were supposed to do with baby teeth.

Matt started screaming again at the idea of a little fairy sneaking into their rooms at night to take their teeth.

———

When they were small, Edd had fretted endlessly about their health. There were plenty of books and sites about defeating monsters, but very few on taking care of baby ones. It had taken a lot of digging and favors to find out how to take care of them.

Matt was the hardest. Tom could eat ground up and softened meats, usually soaked in honey or milk to make them easier on his baby fangs. But Matt needed fresh blood, right from a living vein.

Edd felt he should have been disturbed by how easy it was for him to roll up his sleeves and dig a knife into his skin.

———

They were a rambunctious pair.

Sometimes Edd wondered what insanity he suffered under to think he could raise two monster children, one whose species he didn’t even know. But damn it all if he didn’t care about the little shits. They were enduring, in their own ways.

Tom was curious about everything, always sticking his nose into every corner he could reach. And then often sticking whatever he found there into his mouth. Good lord, the things that child tried to put into his mouth. Edd almost wondered if Tom saw better through his sense of smell and taste than he did with his pitch black eyes.

Matt was more subdued but just as troublesome. He liked to collect things and stash them in places he thought Edd couldn’t find—under the couch cushions, in the kitchen cabinets, beneath the bed, etc. And he was a terribly messy eater. Edd had to burn bloodied clothes at least once or twice a week and he could not convince the vampire child to wear a bib to spare his garments.

And they both bit. A lot.

Tom was constantly chewing on something; so much so that Edd went so far as to buy several dog toys for the monster boy to sink his baby teeth into. Matt just…bit everything. He bit everything at least once just to see if he could. And then usually dissolved into tears when he realized what he was trying to bite either didn’t taste good or was too hard for him to bite in the first place.

Yeah, raising two monster kids was…an adventure.

———

Tom found out he could change into a four-legged, dog-sized tower of terror and everything went to shit.

When he didn’t get to eat dessert before dinner, he’d shift and throw a tantrum, spitting smoke and clawing at the walls. When Matt took his favorite toy, he’d shift and tackle the other boy to the floor, snapping his jaws and battering at the vampire with oversized puppy paws. When he wanted to go outside but it was too dark or too late or too rainy, he’d shift and flop down on his side and yowl like a husky dog, dead weight whinging the loss of his outside time. When he had to take a bath, he’d shift and tear around the house, crashing into walls and tripping over his too big paws until Edd would finally manage to catch him.

Sometimes it was involuntary. If he was frightened, he’d shift and snap and snarl and breathe puffs of acrid smoke into the air that would set off all the smoke detectors and frighten him even more. He slipped and slid on the linoleum in the kitchen, crashing into the fridge more than once (there was now a Tom sized dent in the thing that Edd couldn’t be bothered to fix).

While Matt’s response to fear was to scream and cry, Tom’s was to fight back. As small and scrawny as he was, he refused to take shit from anyone. It’d be admiral if he wasn’t a stubborn little brat.

———

There were sloppy crayon drawings stuck on the door of the fridge.

Most were indistinguishable scribbles in vaguely human shapes, overlapping haphazard grocery lists and forgotten reminders to water the herb garden. Some of the paper was torn from little claws or smeared with snack time blood.

But they were all lovingly displayed, no matter how messy they were.

———

Tom liked music and often sang along with songs he recognized.

Matt liked soft things and made piles of his favorite stuffed toys to bury himself in like a nest.

Once, Tom caught a bad cold and was bedridden for days, sniffling, coughing, vomiting, and absolutely miserable. Edd did his best to keep calm, if just for the sake of the boys, but Matt panicked. He asked through gasping sobs if Tom was going to die. Tom, overhearing this, burst into tears and cried about how he didn’t want to die. It took several reassurances and a careful explanation about germs, bacteria, and sickness to calm them down.

Later, when Edd came into Tom’s room to give the poor boy a bath, he found the monster child half asleep. Matt was sitting at the end of his bed, singing a song in a soft, tentative voice.

———

Edd made sure to keep his workshop door locked and emphasized to both boys that they were not to go in. There were too many plants, potions, stones, and other spell components that could potentially harm them.

He should have known better.

Tom came barreling into the kitchen one afternoon on four legs, all scales and panic, tears and smoke dribbling down his features.

The workshop door was open and Matt was dry heaving onto the lacquered floorboards. Edd only needed to see the toppled and shattered jar of ground up blackthorn to know what had happened. He quickly scooped the vampire into his arms and hurried out of the room. Tom whined and thumped his tail on the floor pathetically as Edd helped Matt clear the veritable poison out of his system.

When they had recovered, he took them both by the hand and showed them around his workshop so they understand exactly why they were not to play in there.

———

Tom asked why he looked different than Matt and Edd.

Edd told himself that the lump in his throat and the burning in his eyes was from working with hawthorn and not because he could feel his heart wrenching in his chest.

———

It was fine when Matt made friends with the little boy next door.

It was fine when the little human boy came over to play.

It was fine when Edd and Eduardo found the mutual ground of being single fathers.

It was fine until Matt sank his fangs into Jon’s neck at Jon’s insistence.

It was fine until Edd had to explain that Matt had just turned his best friend into a thrall.

It was fine because Jon still wanted to be Matt’s friend.

And it had nothing to do with magical mind control.

———

Matt picked up speech far faster than Tom did. In fact, Tom didn’t really start talking until he was almost six. Most of his communication came from grunts, growls, whines, and roars. Edd was worried about his development and spent many a late night reading up on it until he gave up. Monster children were not human children.

And then one day, a five and half year old Tom toddled up to his adoptive father, tugged on the sleeve of that worn out robe, and said in a small but stubborn voice,

“Da’. Food.”

Edd gaped at him for a full minute before crowing with happiness and sweeping the boy up into his arms.

———

Edd and Eduardo definitely did not compare their whose children were better in feats of epic, dad rivalry.

And they definitely didn’t drag Eduardo’s housemate Mark into it.

And they both most certainly did not fall over each other gushing when they found all three boys curled up in a pile, napping together.

———

Ringo was a tentative edition to the house. An adoption that Edd couldn’t say no to. He’d seen the kitten in a box outside the grocery store and the poor little gray thing had mewled at him. And the next thing he knew, he had a kitten in his pocket and was wondering how on earth the kids were going to react.

The answer was very well.

Tom instantly took a liking to the tiny gray furball and trundled around with it on all four, his tail in the air, batting at her playfully. Matt was more apprehensive but eventually warmed up to her as well.

When Ringo crept into his workshop and settled comfortably on top of his foot, he knew he’d made the right decision.

———

The house was usually in some sorry state of disrepair. Between Edd’s failure at proper house maintenance, Tom’s destructive habits and temper tantrums, and Matt’s messy eating, the place didn’t looked all that cleaned up.

Edd did the best he could to keep it livable and presentable. But it wasn’t until Eduardo came by to drop Jon off that he really had any idea how bad things were.

Eduardo took one look around at the claw marks in the floor, the chunks taken out of the walls, the blood stains trailing from the kitchen and promptly said the place looked like a murderer lived there. Then he put a hand on Edd’s shoulder and told him seriously,

“I’ll help you make this place monster kid proof. But only because you’re obviously too pathetic to figure out how to do it yourself. And also I need to make sure Jon stays safe.”

Edd gave him a breathless thanks and tried not to cry from relief.

———

The house down the lane with the weird garden and strange symbols in the door was noisy and messy and sometimes smoke came pouring out of the open windows while the smoke alarms wailed. The yard had holes dug in it by eager claws, the fence between the yards was cracked from impacts, and there was a suspicious looking dark stain on the walk up to the front door.

It was crazy, but it was home.

[perksofbeingawaifu]

this is not what you think it is

canonverse (set sometime during the time skip), ereri, ~1800 words. trigger warnings: bondage--but not the way you think, ballgag--but not the way you think, ropes--again not what you’re thinking. minor violence.

The ropes dug into Eren’s flesh, raced across his naked chest trapping his arms at his side and over his bare thighs. He gave a little moan around the gag in his mouth and Levi thought, finally.

“You’re awake,” Levi ascertained. “Good.”

Eren made a noise that Levi assumed was “Captain?”

Levi at least was fully clothed, but because of his height, only came to Eren’s chest, which was very awkward because his tanned chest was very smooth, but also covered in Eren’s drool. Levi wiggled his wrists again, trying to get some blood flowing. Everything was too tight.

Eren looked around the room in horror and struggled to get free. Which was pointless really, their captors had wrapped Eren and Levi together several times over and bound them tight to keep Humanity’s Strongest from simply breaking the ropes and then threw in a chain on over the mess, because why not?

“Easy,” Levi ordered as Eren flailed. “I said easy!”

Eren rolled them both into a puddle of filth. The cistern water filled his ears and Levi’s nostrils flared. Eren realized his mistake because he let out a whimper as apology. Levi tensed up his core and with all his might rolled Eren over hard onto a rock.

“Calm down,” Levi snapped as Eren’s head spun.

“Ai tought it—“

“I don’t want to hear you talk with that thing in your mouth.”

But Levi knew what Eren was trying to say. He thought it was a dream. He thought it was a nightmare.

They’d wanted to try and lure out more Marleyan sympathizers. Not every one of those metal ships that came to the shores of Paradise Island sank with all crew aboard lost. Some had made it inward. Some had made it inside the walls. Some had help.

In that way, the plan was a success, they’d successfully routed out the culprits.

On the other hand, it was a complete failure because both Eren and Levi had been caught and taken hostage. Levi hadn’t been able to count, but it was at least thirty men—some of whom he’d killed—who rushed in on him at once. If Mikasa was worth one hundred soldiers, well then Levi knew he was worth thirty some traitors because that’s how many had grabbed him, nearly pulling his arm out of its socket. They’d beaten him and thrown nets around him and then, the worst yet, chained him to his subordinate. They’d stripped Eren nearly naked, trying to search him for knives or any other weapons he might possess.

“There you are, you devils,” said the man who must have been their leader. “I’m going to take the pair of you back to Boss. He can slice up the shortie in revenge and we can claim the Coordinate which is rightfully ours. And best part is, you can’t turn into that ugly titan because if you do, your Captain here will be just chunks of guts on the wall.”

The man laughed as he kicked Eren’s head and Levi closed his eyes, waiting to be nothing but brain matter, but nothing happened, just steam. And as Levi waited for Eren to wake he began taking stock of the cellar.

“Ahain Evi?” Eren asked, sounding so miserable, Levi couldn’t be mad at him for disobeying the order not to speak.

“Yes?”

“Ah ave to ‘ee.”

Levi closed his eyes for patience.

<*>

“Hold still,” Levi said.

He leaned up and bit at the strap holding the ball gag around Eren’s mouth and shook it back and forth. Walls. He was going to lose a tooth doing this. Eren too. Of course Eren’s grew back, the little monster. It was odd, doing this. His teeth scraped against Eren’s stubbled cheek. Levi could smell a hint of military issued aftershave.  

“AH!” Eren gasped.

Levi had shook it free enough so that the ball was out of Eren’s mouth but still so tight that it was trapped to his bottom lip, giving him an expression akin to a bulldog. Levi carefully took the gag in his mouth and as he did, his lips brushed against Eren’s. He paused. Really this was no time to be worried about nonsense like that. He pulled and tugged the gag down as far as he could with Eren shaking his head to try and free himself of it.

“Got it!” Eren gasped.

“My teeth are going to be sore for weeks,” Levi complained, cracking his jaw.

“Sorry Captain,” Eren apologized. “This is all my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” Levi sighed.

Levi respected Eren enough to not acknowledge Eren’s tears even as they stained his cravat.

“Listen, Eren. If they come back, I want you to transform.”

“But sir—“

“You heard me. Titans don’t work well underground, but at least that way you can try to escape.”

“No! Sir! I refuse.”

“You’re going to refuse a direct order from me again, Eren?” Levi asked dangerously.

Eren averted his gaze. “Please…sir, if I transform like this, it’s possible I could kill you. Please don’t make me a murderer.”

“You didn’t kill Armin and Mikasa when you saved them from that cannon ball, did you?” Levi asked. “Then I’ll be fine.”

“The ropes…if I transform the ropes could break your back or cut you into pieces. Please, sir.”

“Then let’s find a way out of here so that doesn’t happen,” Levi said calmly.

They came up with an odd way of searching the room. They rolled across the floor in tandem. Eren’s hair picked up bits of hay. They gained a bit of momentum and overshot their goal, Eren landing on top of Levi. His cheeks were red from exertion and he looked down at Levi breathlessly. He appeared to lose focus for a moment.

“You have spittle on your cheek,” Levi pointed out.

“Sorry,” Eren apologized. There was nothing he could do about it.

Levi felt something hard nudge him between his legs. Please no.

“What’s that?” Eren asked, perhaps as a distraction, nudging him and looking over behind a crate.

A bottle.

They wiggled towards it like two stuck inchworms.

“Roll me over so I can smash it with my hands,” Levi ordered. They were mostly numb but he could still crack it.

“No! Captain—“

“If you tell me ‘no’ one more time—“

“It’s just that you need your hands to hold your blades! Sir! An—and if you slice them, you’ll be unable to do that. I don’t have that problem. Use my hands. They’re worthless.”

Levi didn’t say anything, he only chewed on his lower lip before rolling so Eren could reach the bottle.

“A little closer,” Eren begged as his fingertips stretched for the bottle.

“I don’t think they’re worthless,” Levi said.

“Huh?” Eren asked, still stretching for the neck of the bottle.

“Your hands. I don’t think they’re worthless.”

A smile split across Eren’s face and he hummed, resting his forehead against Levi’s own. He pursed his lips and rested them in the center of the part in Levi’s hair. It was such a bizarre and unexpected gesture, Levi couldn’t find it within himself to chastise him, even as the touch lingered still longer.

“Got it!” Eren crowed.

“Quiet,” Levi hissed.

There was noise outside the door. They paused with bated breath, listening as the footsteps continued on and up the stairs.

“Hurry.”

It took a few tries but Eren eventually cracked the bottle on the stone and then began to saw at his bindings.

“I think there’s another piece here big enough for you,” Eren said, twisting and Levi rolled over him to grab it with his fingers.

He didn’t feel the bottle slice through his fingers until the blood started rushing back in and then everything began screaming in pain.

“Hurt today, live tomorrow. Hurt today, live tomorrow,” Levi muttered to himself as the blade became slippery from sweat and blood.

He didn’t even realize he was saying it aloud until he caught the determined look on Eren’s face. They could do nothing but wiggle the blade back and forth in silence.

The second the binding around Levi’s wrists fell free, he tilted his head back in relief. Once their hands were free, they made quick work of the other ropes. There was just the issue of the chain bound around their chests.

“Okay, let’s stand up—“ Levi said.

They both leaned in different directions, causing their heads to snap back together and crack their skulls loudly.

“Follow me,” Levi said through grit teeth.

“Sorry, sir,” Eren said meekly and they struggled up together.

“You need to hold on to me. As close as you can. Make yourself as small as possible, do you hear?”

“I…yes, sir.”

Eren couldn’t wrap his arms around Levi so he instead tucked his head into the crook of Levi’s neck in an attempt to close the gap between them. Levi closed his eyes as he worked on the chain, pulling it down mere inches at a time.  

“Here we need to breath in and then…out. Together,” Levi said and felt Eren’s hot mouth against his ear as he exhaled.

The chain slipped enough so that Levi could pull out his hand. He stared at it and flexed, wincing in pain.

“Here, let’s get you,” Levi said, pulling it so Eren could remove his own hands.

Then they pulled it down to the waist.

“Here, let me just—“

“Sir, you’re accidentally pulling my undershorts off—sir—“

Without the fabric in the way the chain around Eren slipped off easily. He fell out of it, naked and trying very much to hide that fact by covering himself.

“We’re soldiers Eren, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before,” Levi said, but his mouth went dry as Eren bent over to pick up his discarded clothing. “Here, help me with this. I can’t get it off.”

Eren sank to his knees to help.

“It’s stuck on…a button, I think…” Eren complained, trying to free it from Levi’s shirt.

“Just rip it,” Levi said and Eren did.

A button clattered to the floor and they both stared at it, faces burning.

And yet with that small button they had finally won their limbs back but were not yet free of the cellar. Each took their spot at the door, waiting, listening.

“Captain…” Eren said.

“What?” Levi asked, trying to look through the gapped hinges of the door.

He stepped forward and placed his hands behind Levi’s neck and kissed him. Levi didn’t have time to revel in the moment. He stared at Eren with confusion.

“Focus,” he ordered, gripping Eren’s head with his hands. “When this door opens I want you to transform, do you hear me? I want you to make as much steam as you possibly can and then we are going to use the cover to get out of here. Can you do that for me?”

Eren licked his lips. “Yeah. Yes.”

“Good.” Levi released him. “And if you’re still alive when we make it out of here, you can kiss me again.”

“Yes, sir,” Eren saluted.

It took him a moment to fully realize what Levi had said, but by then they were off and running, making their desperate bid for freedom.

[tediousfiction]

The Disc One Nuke - 2.03

<<<Part 1 <<Part 2 <Previous Next> Part 3>>

"Bad dog!" Wiley was playing innocent. "Bad dog! You know what you did!"

Wiley just kept sitting there, with the gnawed on rabbit skin at his feet. He wouldn't let David any closer than about ten feet, but if he wasn't out hunting or wandering his territory, he was almost always underfoot now. And he kept snatching things of David's to play with.

"How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to make decent leather if you're gonna just chew on my samples?"

The coyote just cocked its head at him and whimpered a bit.

"I feed you. I help you hunt. I play with you. I keep you company. And this is how you repay me?"

Wiley happily let out a warbling yipping sound, as if he were trying to speak back.

"You're such a furry little asshole. You know that right?"

There was no point in lecturing him. All Wiley could hear was his tone, and over the past few days he'd apparently decided that getting David to scold him was just another game.

After a bit, David set out to gather some food. The trick, according to Friday, was to spend more time looking than taking. Always find more, always know where to get more than you need, and always always always take the best, ripest, and tastiest food first before something else did.

For the most part, he and Wiley had different wants and needs when it came to food. But they both liked meat. And they both had a sweet tooth. Any berries, any fruits, they both wanted. And odds were that that Wiley'd found them first unless they were a pain in the ass to get at. But Wiley knew where to find them, even if they were a pain in the ass to get. And he knew that David could go places and get at things the coyote couldn't. And he was starting to figure out that David would share when he did.

The coyote always stuck around when David was trapping, but if David didn't take his ropes or nets with him when he left, Wiley'd only come along if he meant to lead David somewhere.

This time, it was some sort of mealy, leathery-skinned, fruits that were mostly shaped like apples. There was a thorny bush growing off the side of a steep rubble pile with its branched loaded down with the things. Signs at the bottom of the pile showed that the fruits fell down eventually, but Wiley clearly didn't want to wait. He was happy to finish the one they found on the ground when David decided it was just a bit too far gone for his own taste though.

David checked the one rope he kept wrapped around his waist, and tried to estimate if there'd be enough.

"You're gonna get fat. You know that right?"

A quiet, cheerful, conversational howl was his only answer.

"I'm gonna fall, twist my ankle right off, get rescued by a clan of naked mole rats, and not see you again until your fuzzy belly is dragging on the ground from too many apples and you're too slow to run away so your eyeballs get pecked out by crows."

There was a path to get up above the bush, he might as well take it. But he had no idea if there'd be anything up there he could tie off to.

"You've got a lot of faith in me, dog. Either that or you're hoping I'll fall."

It wasn't a bad route up. But the higher he got, the less he liked the idea of trying to learn how to rappel the hard way.

"Got news for you. I don't need to climb down to knock a few fruits loose. Gonna do this nice and safe. Not get greedy. Not like a certain dog with delusions of grandeur who needs to go on a diet anyway. We'll just take a few days worth and come back later."

Wiley was shadowing him below, looking up from time to time but staying quiet. The ridge was a bit exposed, but the skies were nice and empty.

It took a few minutes to tie a chunk of rubble securely onto the end of his rope. And then it took what seemed like more minutes for him to manage to hook a branch so he could start shaking it. It took some work to make the first apple fall, and Wiley caught it before it hit the ground.

David didn't stop until Wiley had eaten his fill and there were about two dozen other fruits scattered around.

After it was done, he headed down to look over his take. The fruits were all pretty bruised, and a few of them were soft and split, but mostly they were food. Tart, and nothing he recognized, but still pretty good.

He ate the three that were softest or most bruised but still edible on the spot and packed the rest away. Afterwards, he sat back and took a few sips of water.

Wiley was panting, he'd had too much sugar at once.

David chuckled and held up his bottle, the frosty bluish glass was still about half full and made a nice splashing noise when he shook it.

The whines were getting insistent. There was water not too far away, but the coyote didn't want a five minute hike for it any more than David did.

He looked around for a bit, trying to find a chunk of concrete or something to use as a bowl. He'd tried this before, but Wiley was always too cautious. Odd were it wouldn't work now either. Still, it never hurt to try.

He poured out most of the rest of his bottle and started making beckoning noises.

It started the same way it always did, with Wiley hesitating and moving back and forth making whining and yowling noises trying to get David to back away and let him drink in peace. It always ended one of two ways. Either Wiley gave up and went away, or David gave him his space and he got his drink.

So it was a shock when after just a few seconds, Wiley crept closer with his ears laid back and his tail between his legs.

David watched in wonder as the Coyote inched to within arms reach. And as Wiley started to drink, he reached out his hand slowly.

Wiley's fur was dry, and a bit rough.

<<<Part 1 <<Part 2 <Previous Next> Part 3>>

[seeingdoublestans]

Well prepare your fingers for more keysmashing ‘cause this one’s a doozy!!! ….Okay guys, so long story NOT short: I decided to camp outside near the site despite the cold. I had laid out the bait and after triple checking my cameras, decided to settle down and wait. (It was bright enough with the moon and snow to see enough to knit by btw. You inspired me to try to pick that skill back up again, but I’m getting offtrack) Shortly after 0200hrs, I was drifting off when I heard a faint rustle. To my surprise and delight, one of the largest pumpkins (about 60ft from my spot) had vanished. A moment later, another disappeared. I whipped out my phone and approached cautiously. I managed to see another leave, not unlike it was falling through the ground in the blink of an eye. It was as if the patch was made of quicksand but with an insane rate of grainlier displacement. A moment later, there was a multitude of the previously heard shuffling noise and I was surrounded by….. Have you ever watched that old cheesy movie, Tremors? With the giant worm creatures that tunneled through the ground at unreasonable speeds and ate everything? Well, standing there, I was reminded of that movie. Out of the ground came half a dozen centipede-esque creatures with large, wicked pinchers. Absolutely fascinating anatomy! Their dark and sleek armor was made of overlapping, accordion plating, like on an armadillo, covering their whole lengths. Only the plating was reversed! Very odd. The texture was pock-marked, and a countless array of spindly legs peeked out from the soft, unexposed underbelly. The odd structuring was not the most fascinating part of the insectioids….it was their riders. Holding onto the back hooked legs of each Wyrmipede was a stout, short hairy man. Approximately a foot tall each, and savage. Dressed in loincloths, and the seeming leader a toga. The only other visible garments were the strangest hood/masks. They carried miniature spears and lengths of twine/rope were wrapped about their waists. They were immediately violent, attacking me with their spears, and hopping onto the backs of the Wyrmipedes to charge. As I imagine any sane person would do, I fled. The small force whooped and yelled in an unintelligible language as they gave chase. I headed for the treeline about 100yds ahead, Wyrmipedes popping out of the ground, disrupting my sprint along with the many spears thrown my way, some of which made their mark and stuck into my legs, back, and rump. The Wyrmipedes ran at an incredible speed! One launched itself from the ground and caught my left forearm in its pinchers. Hence the aforementioned injury. Hurt like hell, and the thing took a chunk of me with it when I punched it off. Clutching my fresh wound, I reached the woods and scrambled up the first tree that had reachable branches. ….Unfortunately the Wyrmipedes began to snake up the trunk themselves. I kicked them off one by one, one glazing my calf with its sharp toothed pinchers as I fought them off. After a seeming eternity of adrenaline filled struggling, my phone went off. I had set an alarm for 0215 to keep myself awake. Thing was, my phone had been dropped at the base of the tree in my hurry to escape the small mob. Time seemed to freeze as the little warriors started at the device, instantly captivated by the glowing screen and X-traordinary Cases Theme song. The toga one slid off his steed and poked carefully at my phone with the point of his spear. Others came forward, and they discussed something in hushed tones. I watched, fascinated, frightened, and thrilled beyond all belief. After a few moments, Toga pointed up at me with his spear, yelling garrulously to snag my attention. It was all his. Then he pointed at the device, yammering some more. I couldn’t decipher any meaning for a moment as he repeated these gestures. Then I caught on. Nodding vigorously, I gestured at the phone. He nodded, picked it up, then sat heavily on his rump as he and his followers played with my phone. I cannot say how long I was up there, watching them try to figure out the “magic.” Then, he stood up, remounted his steed still carrying the phone, screamed at me for a minute, then turned back towards the pumpkin patch. The rest followed suite and I was alone. Instinct and curiosity fought within me. Part of me was rooted to the branches of the tree, determined not to go down until sunrise. The other halfway screaming to follow the odd group…and eventually won. Retracing my steps, I arrived back at the site to catch the end of their curious operation. The little men were tying the squash with their lengths of rope and expert speed. Then, they would pull down their hood/masks, tie the rope to the end of a Wyrmipede, then hold onto the long back legs, one in each hand. Yelling a command caused the insect beasts of burden to dive back into the ground, dragging man and bounty behind them. The soil was so finely churned, that it seemed almost like there was never a disturbance in the first place. Nothing else of interest occurred. Conclusions: 1) My hypothesis that the pumpkin thieves were subterranean in nature proved correct. The little savages have domesticated the Wyrmipedes and have been using them to steal goods for at least 7yrs here. The pattern of the teething of the bite on my calf match those from the sawed vines pictures, meaning the Wyrmipedes are also trained to harvest during the actual harvest season. …I wonder how they sensed there was resources available during the wrong time of year? Do they scout out the area? The hood/masks are most likely to ease breathing as their beasts tunnel the way back home. On that account, I would not be surprised if the little men (whom I have not found a name for yet) had some form of underground civilization. Imagine finding such a place! 2) Once my arm heals, I’m going to have a wicked awesome scar. Big saw marks, and a chunk gone? Yes. I’m actually rather curious as to how it’ll heal up. I had to give myself stitches, as I’d rather not try to explain the injury to a medical professional as of this moment. 3) As well as losing my phone to Toga’s fascination, I couldn’t find my cameras, just loose soil where they had been sitting. A real shame, seeing as I have no solid evidence of this adventure. I wish I were a better artist, I’m trying to draw the men and Wyrmipedes from memory, but it’s difficult when you have had no such training. I’m trying to figure out how to explain my injury to my skeptic of a roommate, and I’m wondering how well this story will go over on the paranatural forums, if at all. I’ve never heard of an anomalous race so employing another like this, and never even dreamed of the Wyrmipedes!!! …I suppose if I’m the only one who knows of the truth, that’s alright. I know what I saw and did and …freaking felt. Believe me or not, but I doubt that a hallucination could so shred my arm like this. At least Ms. Brown, owner of the property, believed my story, if only after seeing the pincher tooth marks on my leg. So, mystery solved, fun scars acquired, mysterious species to obsess over? All in all, a successful excursion! –Exhausted yet Giddy Your pal in the Paranatural, Lee

You are a great storyteller, and a great scientist, and this sounds like a great adventure! I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading about your discovery. Tiny people riding on giant centipedes! I can’t imagine what kind of subterranean society they must have! Thank you for describing the details of the tale!!!

I’ve been practicing sketching for the very purpose you mention; drawing realistic depictions of creatures that I encounter in my research. When we’re able to meet in person, if you describe the visual appearance of the creatures you faced, I’d be happy to draw it to the best of my ability for you! How long do you anticipate it will take for your wounds to heal? I don’t want to aggravate your injuries by scheduling our lunch meet up on a date before you’ve fully healed. 

I haven’t seen Tremors, but if you’re interested, maybe we could watch it together sometime? I’ve heard that watching a movie is a common way to spend a date. (I mean “date” in whatever way you hope I mean it.)

~Ford

HOLY SHIT

[mutant-catgirl-artwork]

FUN WITH A POWER DRILL

Hy guys, I wrote a short story! 

Content warnings: Contains heavy gore, gross bodily fluids, explicit language, some slight alcohol use, and a strawberry liquid breakfast

For the last fucking time, it’s not self-harm! I don’t perform my experiments upon myself with the intent to hurt myself as some kind of act of self-loathing spurred by mental illness or whatever. I’m testing the limits of what I can handle in terms of injury, and thanks to my mutant DNA, I actually heal pretty quickly. Let me explain my side of the story first, will ya?

I honestly didn’t mean to disrupt the class. I value education and I’m really sorry that my accident caused a bit of a kerfuffle amongst the others. I mean, if I had known that what was going to happen was… going to happen, I would have sneezed in the privacy of the school bathroom and then worn some gauze and a surgical mask to class or something. I carry that kind of stuff around with me, don’t act surprised. I’m a mutant, remember?

It all started one evening after my legal guardian had gone to bed. I don’t sleep much, not since the whole mutant thing started- I’m lucky if I get four hours a night, and I try to keep my sleep light because the nightmares are the worst part of the experience. Usually I muck around on the internet or read about stuff. I’m trying to educate myself in rudimentary biology, I don’t want to receive a grade for it because I think that will destroy my curiosity.. I found that I learnt a lot about my own biology using hands-on research… Really hands on. You’ll probably never get to witness your own digestive organs at work in the palms of your hands, but I can tell you right now that once you get over the initial pain, it’s actually really, really cool.

But I digress. I wasn’t playing with my own organs that night… No, on that evening I decided to try my hand at amateur dentistry. After another experiment of mine, which I won’t go into, I had been left with a painful abscess in one of my back teeth. It was on my right side, on the inner side of my gums and it hurt like a bitch. I decided to drain it. Sadly, poking around in there with a safety pin wasn’t doing much, because the abscess was way deeper than a pin could reach, and there were all kinds of fleshy, mouthy bits in the way. All I succeeded in doing was hurting myself non-productively and bleeding everywhere, so I figured I needed to use something a little more extreme.

I, being a self-proclaimed genius, decided to go in there with a power drill. I never use anaesthetic in my experiments, partially because I need to be as alert as possible when doing my thing, and also because I need to build up my pain tolerance. I mean, at the time, teeth drilling sounded like the perfect way to push myself! I remember back before my accident, I had my lower canines taken out without enough anaesthetic and let me tell you, that experience was awful. I’ve progressed since then, I think.

Yes, I waited until my legal guardian was asleep. I don’t like her when she starts worrying, she becomes unbearable… I mean, I’ve tried to kill myself on multiple occasions and if I were a different species, I would have definitely succeeded. This should be an indicator of what I’m capable of withstanding. I stood there, in front of the bathroom mirror, pulled my cheek back, and gave the power drill a few test whirrs. Then, using a sharpie, I marked the area where I thought the abscess would be, judging by contact pain. You know how the ink in sharpies is alcohol based? It tastes like shit, it’s like licking a sanitary wipe and it’s seriously gross as fuck.

I positioned the drill head against my gum, pressed a little bit, and then started the drill. I mean, it hurt like any kind of injury would, but it wasn’t actually that bad- I had thought that drilling an abscessed tooth would hurt a lot more and I was rejoicing my victory. That was when I hit one of my nerves, and the drill… Slipped.

It was kind of a combination of me jumping, banging my elbow against the sink and generally being an idiot that made my drill slip and plunge not into the abscess, but at a diagonal angle, heading more toward my nose than my cheekbone. THAT hurt! The drill didn’t actually pierce my sinuses that time, but it went through the roof of my mouth and didn’t stop until the end was poking out of my face, right next to the bridge of my nose. Blood started pouring out and I was like ‘SHIT’ so I tried to pull the drill out of my face and get some toilet paper to clean it all up, except the drill bit came out of the drill and got stuck in my face.

So there I was, bleeding out of my face and my mouth with a piece of metal jammed in my cranium, the pain was excruciating and I hadn’t even drained the abscess yet! I left the drill in the sink and tiptoed all the way to the storage room so I could get a pair of needle nosed pliers. I then tried to get the drill bit out, while still bleeding profusely in front of the bathroom mirror.

I’m going to say right now that trying to get metal out of bone is really, really hard. It goes in there and it gets stuck so you’re standing there pulling and pulling and pulling and it doesn’t budge even a tiny bit! Then I had a thought: “Hey, what if I widen the hole by wiggling the drill bit diagonally?” And that’s just what I did! I made all my injuries at least 20% worse, the bleeding got really intense and it hurt so much I thought I was gonna pass out. I could actually feel the bones splintering and sticking into my flesh as I was wiggling the bit around, which really wasn’t helping at all.

Eventually, after a lot of wiggling, bleeding and swearing, I got the bloodied drill bit free. I was trying to stop the bleeding with one hand and trying to get the blood off the drill bit with the other, which wasn’t really working. I wasn’t sure how much blood I had lost at that point, but the bathroom looked like a murder scene and I had reached a kind of adrenaline euphoria where I couldn’t feel pain anymore.

I have no impulse control, so naturally I thought “Great! Let’s see if we can get that abscess now!” and after cleaning the drill bit and reattaching it, I decided to try again. I couldn’t make heads or tails of what I was supposed to do or where I was supposed to go because my mouth was so full of blood and my pain test of sticking my tongue in my gums wasn’t working. That’s when I made the decision to poke around in there until I struck pus.

After about five attempts, which resulted in me gaining even more injuries, I finally burst the little fucker. You ever witnessed pus exploding out of a really big pimple so quickly that it’s like a chunk of gravel fell out of a sebaceous gland? Yeah, imagine that inside your mouth. I mean, I’m not that squeamish- I’ve read Chuck Palahniuk’s ‘Guts’ without even flinching, but exploding bloody pus in your mouth is a very quick way to lose your appetite.

I leaned over the sink to spit as much of the stuff out as I could, but if you’ve ever leant forward while experiencing altered blood pressure, you’ll know that it’s one of the quickest ways to feel really, really dizzy. Combine said blood-loss related dizziness with nausea from having a huge gobbit of pus explode in your mouth, and the fact that a lot of your adrenaline euphoria pain high is starting to run out, and you’ll understood why I fainted at that particular moment in time. This wouldn’t have been a problem if I hadn’t banged the rest of my face to hell and back on the taps and edge of the sink.

When I came to, it was one hour before I had to go to school, there was blood all over the bathroom, and my face hurt like it had been kicked by a mule. I’m just thankful that I decided to close the bathroom door that night- if my guardian had seen the state I was in, she would probably have taken away my power drills and stuff. I’m surprised she hadn’t woken up when the drilling started with all the noise it made, but maybe she was drunk again. I don’t know.

I distinctly remember pulling myself up off the floor with some difficulty, because all the blood had scabbed and was acting kind of like crusty glue to hold me in place. Have you ever had a blood-nose in your sleep and woken up with blood all over your pillow? It was exactly like that, except instead of a pillow it was a tiled bathroom floor. 

Surprisingly, when I pulled myself up and looked at myself in the mirror, my face had completely healed, and looked fine except for some residual bloodstains. In retrospect, I know that it was only my outer face that had healed and that the inside of my head was in a major state of disrepair, but nonetheless I was shocked to discover that I didn’t even have a bruise! Nothing remained of the injuries I had inflicted upon myself the previous night, though I was still left with a strong ache in my sinuses, which I stupidly had chalked up to phantom pains. I get phantom pains a lot- once, I got disembowelled, and even though I had fully healed I still got tummy aches that were like being stabbed repeatedly in the guts. They were certainly worse than period cramps.

I knew that if my legal guardian saw the amount of blood on the floor, she’d flip her shit, so I took the opportunity to clean as much blood out of the bathroom as possible. I’ve gotten good at cleaning blood up- for future reference, the best way to get blood off a marble or otherwise stone tile floor is to use a sponge with cold water for the majority of the blood, and then you use detergent with a stiff-bristled brush. My head was really starting to pound at that point, so I stupidly took some aspirin and started getting ready for the day.

Huh? Why was taking aspirin stupid? Well, Aspirin has this little side effect where it thins your blood. This makes you incredibly prone to haemorrhage, and you can probably see where this is going. Usually aspirin only affects people if they take a lot of it regularly, but I’m really sensitive to some medication.

I got dressed, grabbed a liquid breakfast for breakfast because I didn’t want to be late or have to chew anything, and headed off to school. All throughout the journey I had been experiencing a sense of discomfort in my nasal cavity, kind of like needing to sneeze a lot, except with a lot more pain. The aspirin just wasn’t cutting it, but I kept soldiering on, walking to school and drinking my strawberry liquid breakfast.

The pain was getting really bad by the time the first lesson rolled around. Just my luck that I had to have Mr Dyssof as the substitute teacher- I don’t know what the hell I did to get on his nerves, but that asshole has some kind of vendetta against me. Maybe it was because I didn’t agree with his opinions regarding polyamory, or maybe it’s because we just have personalities that clash, but either way, if I so much as tap my pencil in class I’m guaranteed to get a detention. I decided to keep quiet, take notes, and try to stay out of his warpath.

It was about 20 minutes into the lesson that the pain became Itchy, you know, kind of like eczema, but in my nose. I wrinkled my nose to try and disperse some of the itch, but if anything it only got stronger. The classroom we were in hasn’t been cleaned in a while, so I’m guessing that it was some stray dust that irritated my nose, but whatever the cause was, I needed to sneeze.

Big mistake. What I thought was going to be a discreet snuffle into my hands turned out to be literally the worst sneeze in my entire life. I remember a sensation of pressure building, lots of things tearing, breaking and snapping inside my face, and then my hands were coated in blood, snot and saliva. 

My face pretty much exploded. That’s the only way I can describe it- one moment my nose was on my face and the next, it was in my cupped hands. My nose wasn’t the only thing that went tumbling out of my head that day- a good section of my cheekbones, sinuses, and lower cranium managed to escape during that fateful sneeze. It was horrendously painful- it was a primal, fiery kind of pain that escalated into an almost hot brilliance. I could actually feel my eyes prickling because it was that bad, and I was so blinded by the sheer intensity and where it was that I hadn’t noticed how everyone else was reacting. 

I think someone screamed. I think someone swore. I wasn’t really paying attention because my brain was still trying to process the fact that I was now holding half of my face amidst all the agony I was in. In fact, I don’t remember much of what happened after, besides being told to exit right now and head straight to detention young lady or else. I think I might have dissociated, but I don’t really know. I don’t even know why my face decided to explode like that either- Maybe when I fell over and knocked myself out I managed to fracture the roof of my mouth, or maybe I was just having a bad body day. Either way, I ended up with a missing face, a detention, and lots of pain.

I think it was a dick move of Mr Dyssof to give me a detention like that- It’s not like I wanted my face to explode on purpose! I mean, I know I’m impulsive, reckless and somewhat self-destructive, but I wouldn’t do something like that! I actually like being in classes and learning new things! It’s great!

So yeah, that’s why I had detention this morning. I really think you should do something about Mr Dyssof though- he didn’t even let me go to the nurses office to get some painkillers, or some help bandaging my face back together. He still has a huge grudge against me, even though I’ve explained to him on multiple occasions that I have a DNA disorder and that stuff like this is going to happen on a regular basis. I mean, if he’d have just let me go to the nurse’s office and then made me clean up any bloodstains I would be a much happier student, but he still insisted on punishing me for something that I can’t really help.

But yeah, that’s what happened. Can I head back to class now?

[kurrentkorruption]

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAW EXO AND BSB IN THE SAME WEEK

I mentioned a while ago that I was going to see EXO in LA, and I am finally home and rested enough to actually detail my boy band vacation. I didn’t just see EXO - I also went to Las Vegas to see the Backstreet Boys at the Axis Theater in Planet Hollywood. I’m putting this on this blog because this is a story of kpop... eventually. Anyway, behind the cut is the full of it.

My tale actually starts on Sunday, April 23rd, when I woke up with part of my rear upper-right molar being inexplicably gone. It was there when I went to bed, and when I woke up, it was gone. It was gone between the gum line and the middle of the tooth, working transversely from the dorsal portion of the tooth to the ventral side. The enamel and a good amount of the dentine was missing, but thankfully the pulp was in tact, leaving the nerves unexposed. However, it but my breakfast short, because upon noticing that my tooth was missing a chunk of it, I stopped eating and immediately had to find an emergency dentist, because no normal dentist is going to be open at 9am on a Sunday. Anyway, six hours and two fillings later (my initial filling fell out not 15 minutes after it had been placed, so I had to get a revision), my tooth was finally okay. This wasn’t really how I wanted to start my boy band week, especially since it meant that I had to be careful with everything that I ate from that point on. (I stopped being careful the more that fatigue and sleep deprivation settled in.)

The next day, I dropped off my dog at the dogsitter and obtained money and made final preparations for the trip. The dogsitter is on the other side of the city. She’s a coworker and she’s really nice. Anyway, Walter the Yorkie got to spend time with his chocolate lab friend named Paige. He was tuckered out when I picked him up yesterday, so I know he had fun!

After dropping the little dog off with the dogsitter, I got a message from my brother saying that we were going to be taking a different flight to Las Vegas on Tuesday. What I haven’t mentioned yet is that we (my family and myself) fly on stand-by because my mother used to work for United; we have flight benefits, but calling them a benefit is a stretch when it really means that we almost never get to go on the flights that we want. In fact, our history with getting seats on planes is so terrible that in order for me (and my dad) to get to Los Angeles from Las Vegas in time for the EXO concert, we had to buy an actual seat on a a different airline in order to ensure that I wouldn’t be late for the concert. What the message from my twin brother meant was that our early morning flight wasn’t looking good for seats that we could obtain, so we needed to go on a different flight. This meant one good thing, however: I could sleep in on Tuesday.

Tuesday arrived and my brother and I got hot dogs for lunch then drove to the Indianapolis airport. The rest of the day was us being trapped in Houston because every flight was overbooked. We didn’t get out of Houston until after 10pm, arriving in Las Vegas very late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. The whole reason we were going to Las Vegas in the first place wasn’t even for me to see BSB, but because it was my dad’s birthday. BSB was something we were planning after planning to go to LV for his birthday. His birthday was Tuesday. His entire 60th birthday was him being on planes and trapped in airports. I felt really bad for him. :(

Wednesday was the day of the BSB concert. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but three weeks prior to us going on this vacation, my mother fell in the shower and broke her back. More specifically, she fractured 4 ribs on her left side and had a compression fracture at the T12 level. She’s been in pain for weeks. Because of this, we ended up letting her stay at the hotel on Wednesday while my dad, my brother, and I walked along the Strip and tried our best to figure out the most convenient and simple way for me and my mom to get to and from the BSB concert without my mom injuring herself further or becoming too worn out. Ever since I was little, my mom has come with me to every BSB concert I have ever gone to. She loves BSB just as much as I do; before she broke her back, the BSB concert tickets were a birthday gift for me from her. She didn’t know she was going to injure herself like that. It was meant to be a mother-daughter bonding time while my brother and dad bonded in the casinos.

We eventually found a simple enough route to take so that mom wouldn’t be in too much pain, and we headed back to the hotel. My dad hadn’t anticipated mom’s injury, so we stayed two blocks off the Strip, which made everything Very Difficult. We ended up buying bus passes to mitigate some of the long stretches that would exacerbate my mom’s pain reactions. It’s not like she doesn’t have medication, but she was prescribed opiates and we all fear that she’ll become addicted if she takes too many. The drugs that aren’t opiates do very little to help her pain, so we have to be careful so that her pain doesn’t flare up enough to necessitate taking the opiates.

That night, we all did our long journey to Planet Hollywood, coursing through casinos and hotels, stopping every few minutes to let my mom rest, before we arrived at the Miracle Mile Mall and the Axis Theater. We had eaten dinner as a family and parted abruptly as a heaving throng of women lined up to see their idols. We were shoved into a line and ushered quickly into the theater, we bought some merch (I bought a cute grey-and-purple raglan for myself and bought my mom a black t-shirt) and made it to our seats with time to spare.

The concert was SO INCREDIBLY GOOD!! It started with a beautiful VCR compilation of clips going chronologically from BSB’s beginnings to now, with remixes of all of their popular songs woven together. It was wonderful! Then the concert started and the boys came down from the ceiling in light-up boxes with images of their faces on them and they sang Larger Than Life! They danced as strongly as they did when I first say them when I was a young teenager, doing moves that I thought were only reserved for the most hardcore of modern kpop groups. Their choreography is so tight that you can’t even tell that they’re middle aged! (I dare say that their dancing was even more slick than EXO’s, and Howie was dancing with an injured knee!) All in all, I was incredibly impressed and enjoyed every single minute of it! My poor mom had to sit down a lot through it, which was okay during the VCR and ment portions. The only complaint was that there were two tall men in front of us that impeded our views a lot of the time; also, there were two incredibly drunk people in the row in front of us who were bothering EVERYONE around them. Other than that, it was a fantastic show!

The next day, we were tired. Not from the concert, but from dad barging into the room at 3am to tell us some ridiculous story despite how we all wanted to just go to sleep. In the morning, he insisted that it was mom who wanted him to tell the story and keep us all awake, but as we were ALL AWAKE, we told him that he never gave us the option of hearing the story in the morning because he just went into in without regard for our sleep cycles. He later said that he regretted that entire night.

(I’m not telling this from my dad’s perspective because he makes it far more innocent that what context clues would actually tell you. The story was that he, being far too nice of a person, basically intervened in what was going to be some lady and some dude going to a hotel on the strip to have a one-night stand. The lady had never gone to the Strip before and the dude who was big-time flirting with her was offering to take her to the Strip and see some of the big hotels and then they could eat and stay at one of them overnight. My dad barged in and wanted to tag along since he was on a machine near them. The dude didn’t want my dad to go, and the lady didn’t seem too keen on dad coming either, but he tagged along. The dude ended up leaving halfway through their expedition after realizing that the lady was no longer wanting to have sex with him, they got into an argument, and the dude left the lady with his food bill, as they were eating at some restaurant in Bally’s, I think? It’s all very confusing. Anyway, so the lady is pissed because now she’s stuck away from her hotel with my dad, so dad foot’s the bill for the lady and the dude who stiffed them, and they return to our shitty hotel two blocks from the Strip. Then dad comes back to our room to tell us this story. He’s clearly drunk and had apparently lost $100 in the casino before he even gone on his weird little journey, so we all just wanted him to go to bed and shut up, but no, he does the opposite. Because he’s drunk. From that point forward, I get no more sleep until Saturday night.)

My dad is a gambler, so my brother and I have been going to Las Vegas with our family since we were 7 years old. However, in all of that time, I had never gone to Fremont Street. I knew it existed, but it never actually interested me. So my dad got the idea that we’ll just let mom rest while we all trekked up north to Fremont Street, just so I could say that I visited it. It was a long bus ride to Fremont Street and it wasn’t even that cool. Granted, it was the middle of the day and all the lights come on at night, but it looked seedy. I’m used to seeing the panhandlers and homeless people on the Strip, but there were even more on Fremont Street, which is a smaller and more condensed area of space. It’s barely two blocks and it was filled with them. We spent about half an hour there, most of that time being dedicated to all of us going to the bathroom at one of the hotels. The only good that came of it was that while I was waiting for my twin to come out of the bathroom, I won $20 off one of the machines.

That evening, my twin brother being the awesome brother that he is, obtained tickets to see the Cirque du Soleil show O at the Bellagio. He bought three tickets, one for me, our mom, and himself. Dad gambled while we were watching the show. We chose that show because it was short and would get us back to the hotel in time to sleep before we all caught planes in the early morning. O is a beautiful show and I highly recommend it! Honestly, every Cirque du Soleil show that I’ve seen in Las Vegas has been really good, so go and see all of them; they’re all different and wonderful!

The next day, Friday morning AKA the day of the EXO’rDIUM concert, we all woke up at 2am so we could get ready to leave the hotel at 3:30am so we could catch our planes at 5:30am. Mom and my brother were going to Florida (my parents live in Florida because they are retired), mainly so that my brother could help my mom with her luggage due to her back injury. Dad and I caught a plane to LAX so that I could go to see EXO. I told you this would eventually lead to kpop. By 8am we were safely in LA and had acquired a car and we lived in that car all day. We set up shop in the parking lot of a CVS that was near the EXO-L Fan Cafe in LA. We ate Mexican food for every meal and did our best to just relax. It was hard. I was monitoring where to obtain pre-ordered fangoods and basically using the Fan Cafe as a glorified bathroom. I had arrived too early and they stamped my hand, which meant that I could freely enter and exit the cafe as often as I wanted. Since I had no access to a house or a hotel, it was the next best thing. I napped for maybe a max of 2 hours before the concert, excluding the half hour nap I took on the plane. My last meal was at 5pm and I wouldn’t eat again until 1pm Sunday afternoon, nearly 44 hours after my last meal on the day of the concert. At this point, I had gotten maybe 8 hours of sleep within the last three days, so this day was going to be hell. I was afraid that I would be too tired to fully enjoy the concert.

This fear was unfounded. Yes, I was INCREDIBLY TIRED, but I still enjoyed the concert. In fact, my only issue was with how poorly managed everything was up until the boys came out on stage. MMT is a terrible company and should really stop managing EXO when they come over here. The Fan Cafe was also poorly managed, but I think that was mainly because they were understaffed volunteers who had obtained a venue that was far too small for the crowd that visited it. I was grateful to have the stamp on my hand, otherwise I would have been standing in a big, long line forever. I even got to eat some of the cake they had made up for Baekhyun’s birthday! However, they ran out of water quickly and they had no other food beyond the cake and some cupcakes. But, again, those were volunteers. What was happening at the actual Forum was a mess that an actual management company had created. I had a seat, so I wasn’t deeply involved in the mess on the ground, but from what I heard from fellow concert goers, it was stupid. Plus, fans in GA kept rushing the stage so much that Suho had to chastise them THREE TIMES. It was so dumb.

The concert itself, though, was AWESOME!! I own the EXO’rDIUM in Japan DVD, so I had already seen most of the show and knew what was coming, but it didn’t spoil anything. Suho’s English was REALLY GOOD! Minseok, my man, he was out there killing fangirls left and right! My only complaint there is that no one ever really cheered for him when he was highlighted. :< Chanyeol and Sehun got most of the cheering, followed closely by Kai and Baekhyun. Meanwhile, no one else got as much noise from the audience. I tried my hardest to scream Xiumin’s name really loudly, since I was in the second row near the center, but I don’t know if he heard me. I was really tired and didn’t even know if my voice was working at that point. (I had screamed a whole lot at the BSB concert to the point where by voice was nearly gone on Thursday, so I wasn’t really recovered enough to take on screaming Xiumin’s name all Friday night.) Minseok was really energetic, too, even though he was clearly exhausted from having just come in from Mexico. He was putting his all into Artificial Love and White Noise, and being extra cute the rest of the time, waving his arms and body around like he wasn’t tired at all (even though it was evident in his face). They were all really tired. Kai even said that he was tired but putting all of his energy into making the show great, and he really did! As I’ve said before, I like Kai a lot but I don’t really broadcast it, and seeing him live definitely solidified that love for me. He was so sexy and slick up on that stage! At one point, D.O. started singing a song from La La Land and Suho did a little of the tap dance from it, and later on Baekhyun sang a crooner classic. It was very nice! Everyone did their best with English and Suho promised to bring their next concert here! I’m sure you can find a lot of fan accounts of such things, like how Suho said they needed to be careful about the pronunciation of the word “beaches” and how D.O. expressed a fondness for hotdogs and Chanyeol being “crazy” near the end of the concert and the whole “tiny hands and foot” thing. Some of it was a little too LA-centric for a Midwest girl like myself to understand, but they were so cute that I didn’t really care!

After the concert, I found my dad and we drove off to drop the car off at the rental place then book it to LAX so we would catch a 1am flight to Houston. Our plans changed the moment we got there, as our flight was overbooked and there was no way we were going to get on the plane. Thankfully, there was a nearby midnight flight to Chicago that had a few seats left, so we convinced the desk staff to let us on and we got on just as the doors were closing. I slept the whole flight to O’Hare. We arrived at about 9am and rushed to our connection that would take us back to Indy. We finally arrived at the Hoosier State by around 10am. We rested while waiting for my brother to return from Florida. He finally showed up around 2pm, and by that point dad and I had eaten some nachos from the Qdoba in the airport food court and that was it. After we met up with my brother, AKA the guy whose car I had come to the airport in on Tuesday, we drove back to my house and I hit my bed hard by 4pm.

I slept until noon-ish on Sunday, I finally ate food by 1pm, and picked up Walter from the dogsitter by 2pm. I haven’t left the house since. I’m so glad that I took today off. I was still tired and achy yesterday. All in all, it was a good trip, even if it was extremely tiring.

[shortstoriesfromravioli-blog]

Boar Stew

Lloyd brought a spoonful of stew to his lips and slurped greedily. He chewed with glee as the slow cooked meat chunks melted in his mouth.

His uncle Ray had gone hunting and brought back a plump and tasty boar carcass with him. 

Uncle Ray couldn't possibly finish all the boar himself, given that he was single from his recent divorce and his ex wife had gained custody of the kids. So good ol' uncle Ray had decided to share the spoils of his hunt with his brother John and his nephew Lloyd.

Lloyd loved the gesture, not because he cared for game meat, but because it meant that he could freeze the meat and eat it over the course of a year, saving him bundles.

Lloyd looked over at his girlfriend, smiled and continued to chew.

Lauren had shoulder length brown hair, bright eyes and a nose so big that it turned heads.

As Lloyd smiled, she noticed a big chunk of meat sticking out of his left canine tooth.

She knew that Lloyd was self conscious, he was overly skinny, short of stature, had greasy hair that was way too long, and his teeth were as crooked as a televangelist. But he was a good man and she loved him nonetheless. Due to Lloyd's self consciousness, Lauren decided to not point out the whole food in teeth situation. 

Lloyd seemed very happy today, she thought, they had recently paid rent and were tight on money, so when uncle Ray showed up with the boar meat, Lloyd was ecstatic. Lauren didn't want to ruin his day, so she decided to stay quiet and bear the unseemly sight.

Lauren smiled back and brought a spoonful her vegetarian stew to her mouth.

That night, Lloyd had boar chops for dinner and boar jerky for snack. By the end of the night, most of Lloyd's front teeth had saved a good portion of the boar for later consumption.

Lloyd was so happy that night that he cleaned the house and washed the dishes.

"Things are looking up for us Lauren!" he said throughout the night.

At dawn Lauren woke up to the tooting sound of gas relief and the smell of a long forgotten rest stop toilet.

She grimaced and covered her face with the blanket.

"Are you ok Lloyd?" she asked, raising her voice over the sound of the guttural orchestra.

"Uhh" he replied loudly "I just ate too much".

Lauren put on her earbuds and turned on some heavy metal music to drown out the noise.

It must have been close to noon when Lauren woke again. She sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

Lloyd wasn't in the room and the bathroom door was open, the smell was mostly gone.

She took off the earbuds and made her way to the living room.

"Lloyd?" she called.

She found him lying face down on the couch, hair wet with perspiration.

"Are you ok babe?" Lauren asked, touching his back, her hand coming back damp and sticky.

"Ughh" Lloyd moaned "I might need some bismuth".

Lauren moved the wet hair from his face and noticed that his complexion had a green tint to it.

Lloyd was not the type to easily have an upset stomach, she had witnessed him consume expired meat and spoiled milk without issue.

"Should I call a doctor?" she asked worryingly.

"Nah" he replied weakly.

"Let me at least call your dad" she continued.

Lloyd did not protest, whether it was because he didn't mind or was too weak to reply, she couldn't tell.

Lauren picked up her cell phone and dialed.

The phone rang and went to voicemail.

She tried again multiple times to no avail.

"I'll try the uncle" she thought to herself.

The phone rang and a gruff voice answered quickly,

"Hello?"

"Hey umm... Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"Lloyd ate a lot of boar meat yesterday and is feeling really sick today, have you experienced any issues?"

"Umm… nah, not me. I didn't eat any boar yet, not so hungry for boar after doing all that butchering.

"Ok, well, do you think there would be any reasons for that boar to make anybody sick."

"No way, I found that boar in the purple wood, bagged him, butchered him and kept him in my mobile fridge until I got back".

"You… you went to the purple wood??"

"Yeah, there wasn't any game where I usually hunt so I went a bit further in, before long I found myself in the purple wood".

"Ray, you do know that the purple wood is a contaminated area right? Some kids tore down the fence last week and they haven't brought it back up again."

"I didn't see no goddamn fence! I don't know nothing about no damn contamination!"

"You didn't see a fence because… Okay, you know what, nevermind, I need to take Lloyd to the hospital. Goodbye"

At that, she hung up the phone, exasperated. 

Lauren tapped Lloyd in the shoulder.

"Hey Lloyd, we need to get you to the hospital."

There was no reply.

She shifted him into a sitting position and he woke.

"Heyyy" he beamed a smile at Lauren. "I'm fine."

She could see the meat still stuck in his teeth, it looked much larger than it had yesterday.

"I had enough of looking at that," she said, as she walked to the bathroom.

Lauren came back with a floss pick and began flossing the meat out of Lloyd's teeth.

As she stuck the pick between two teeth, she felt it snag hard.

She pulled with more strength than needed, but the pick did not budge.

Lauren could see an enormous chunk of meat sitting in between two of Lloyd's teeth, mocking her efforts. The chunk was so big that she could just reach in there a grab it.

She shuffled to the bathroom again and came back with tweezers.

She reached into the mouth and pinched a big piece of the meat.

"I got you now" she said aloud.

Lauren pulled hard and felt something stringy and squishy.

The meat was being pulled out, but there was much more attached than she originally thought.

"How?" she thought to herself.

She continued pulling and the meat slowly came out.

Eventually the meat was free from the teeth and hung from her tweezers swaying slowly.

"I did it!" she said at last, smiling.

The meat still hung from her tweezers moments later but the swaying never stopped.

Lauren took a closer look.

The meat was moving by itself! Lauren could feel the meat's muscles contracting with each sway.

Lauren yelped and let go of the tweezers.

The "meat" fell to the ground and scurried quickly under the couch.

She looked at Lloyd and froze.

He was getting up, his arms laid limp at his sides and his neck tilted backwards unnaturally.

Lloyd slowly moved his chin down back to eye level and smiled the biggest smile he had ever smiled.

The creases of his mouth opened up and slithering pieces of "meat" set themselves free and scurried down his body and onto the floor.

Lauren was frozen in terror, her body shaking vigorously.

"Ll-Lloyd??" she uttered.

Lloyd opened his mouth wide and coughed a guttural cough.

Phlegm flew out of his mouth and onto Lauren's face.

She shrieked.

Then something came out of his mouth, something that had a head, teeth and tentacles.

Lauren tried to step back, but the slithering pieces of "meat" were holding her in place.

She shrieked again, louder this time.

The tentacled creature leaped from Lloyd's mouth onto Lauren' face.

Lauren fell back and hit her head hard on the hardwood floor as the mouth of the tentacle horror bit down on her oversized nose and feasted.