#and i guess it's just like a sick combination of my intrusive thoughts too cause

[rapidhighway]

ughh my anxiety got so much worse recently and idk what to do about itt sorry I gotta vent in here cause google ain't helping horrible amount of tmi warning ig....

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

[minijenn]

Ever-Changing Self Worth

For the first time in however long she could remember, Amethyst actually needed to sleep.  In the past, the purple Gem would enjoy the human ritual as a luxury rather than a necessity.  She would either do it to kill time or use it to avoid one of Pearl’s constant lectures.  However, recent events had made Amethyst more exhausted than usual.  It was only made worse when she saw Bill Cipher invade one of Pearl’s dream.    After what seemed like hours of crying and comforting, Pearl was finally calm enough to go outside the Temple and clear her thoughts.

Still, what made the purple Gem so anxious was how Pearl reacted to the dream demon’s outrageous claims.  The white Gem had sadly admitted that Bill’s claims of her hatred for Steven when he was an infant was actually true.  Amethyst refused to believe it though.  No matter how jaded Pearl was after Rose death, she could never bring herself to harm that baby in anyway.  However, there still was a seed of doubt in the back of the messy Gem’s mind.

Amethyst had decided to go to her room to process all of these conflicting thoughts.  She thought that laying among all of the treasures she had collected over the years would make her feel relaxed.  Unfortunately, it worked a little too well, as the Gem felt her eyes get heavier.  She assumed that her previous exhaustion combined with her relaxed state had led to this incoming slumber.  Originally, the purple Gem had tried to avoid sleep in hope to avoid one of Bill’s intrusions.  However, the encroaching slumber was too enticing for the purple Gem to pull away from.  “Whatever,” she mumbled to herself. “I’m not afraid of that stupid nacho.  I can take him.  I’m…a…..rock.”

And with that, Amethyst had fallen asleep, unknowingly drifting off into a certain demon’s trap.  

Amethyst’s eyelids felt heavy as she slowly opened her eyes.  Her room was darker than she remembered, and was certain duller.  It was only until she was more awake that she realized where she was.  The dark, gloomy atmosphere combined with the thousands of exit holes on the cliff faces surrounding her could only mean she was in one place: The Kindergarten.  The purple Gem’s former home was still as lifeless as it always was, with the injectors still attached to the walls. 

“Ugh seriously, this place?!” the purple Gem groaned as she summoned her whip.  She may not be the smartest Gem on the team, but she was smart enough to realize how she had inexplicably moved from her room to this place.  “Get out here already!  I know you’re here, you stupid triangle!” she yelled.

As soon as Amethyst said this, a blinding light emitted from behind her.  From the light, emerged the infamous dream demon himself.  The purple Gem put on a defensive stance as Bill Cipher floated down to her.  “Well well well,” the demon began. “If it isn’t everyone favorite little mistake!  How’ve you been Half Baked, still doing that thing you call ‘your best’?”  Amethyst responded by waving her whip straight at the triangle, only for it wrap around the demon’s cane and having it pulled away from her.  “Yep, there’s that inadequacy that you’re so famous for Half Baked!”

The purple Gem was becoming more and more agitated by the minute.  “Stop calling me that!  And why the hell are you bothering me?!  Can’t you do something useful like pissing off?!” she yelled.  Amethyst normal cut back on the swears, mostly because Pearl would constantly scold her about it, but she didn’t have to worry about filtering herself here.  The demon just rolled his eye at this and answered.  “Oh, lighten up Half Baked, I just thought I would visit one of my favorite screw ups!  Besides, where do you get off by saying I’m invading your privacy.  You didn’t really think about that when you totally eavesdropped on Bird Brain’s dream.  That was rather rude might I say!”

Amethyst felt a little guilty at this but then quickly shook it off.  She wasn’t going to let this sadistic triangle get the best of her.  “Oh screw you, Bill!  Don’t turn the tables on this!  You’re the one who told Pearl all that junk about Steven!  You’re nothing but a sham!” she accused the demon.  Amethyst was finally going to prove to herself that Bill was wrong about Pearl.  Amethyst knew Pearl, and she knew that the white Gem would never have ill feelings towards the young Gem.  Unfortunately, Bill was more than prepared to give the purple Gem the harsh reality that she desperately needed.

Oh Half Baked, it’s really hilarious how wrong you are about EVERYTHING!  You think you know anything about your friends and comrades?!  Ha, fat chance!”  The dream demon started to back away from the purple Gem, who was still ready to pounce at whatever danger the dream demon plan to throw at her.  “I think you need you need to get better acquainted with those idiots you think you know.  How about we start with Bird Brain!  Let me give you two some alone time to talk about things!”  Bill was then suddenly shrouded in the mist that covered most of the Kindergarten.  Amethyst summoned her whip again, ready for a surprise at attack from any direction.  However, after a few minutes, a new figure seemed to appear from the mist.  Someone that the purple Gem instantly recognized as one of her comrades: Pearl.

Amethyst had to rub her eyes to make sure that she was seeing things right.  She had heard that Bill had impressive powers of mimicking other’s appearances, but she wasn’t prepared for the level of accuracy before her.  Everything about the Gem’s attire to her stance was exactly like Amethyst was familiar with.  It only became more unsettling as she heard the duplicate speak.  “Now Amethyst, you really shouldn’t bother me over trivial matters that should be fairly obvious.  I suppose I’ll have to set the record straight with you, just how I always constantly have to do!”

The resemblance was completely uncanny.  The Gem looked, moved and spoke exactly like Pearl.  Even as an expect shapeshifter herself, Amethyst could never achieve such a clear copy as the dream demon could.  But that was all it was, a copy of Pearl.  Amethyst knew that she wasn’t talking to the real Pearl.  The dream demon was just trying to convince her that she was, and the messy Gem was not buying it.  “Hmph, nice try Bill,” she snarled at the duplicate.  “You can put on your best Pearl impression all you want, but it won’t change the fact that Pearl never hated Steven!” 

The Pearl copy paused for a few seconds, only to slowly put on a dark smile.  “Oh but Amethyst, I did rather hate that ungrateful brat.” She simply said.  It was something about that sentence uttered in Pearl’s gentle voice that caused Amethyst’s spine to shiver.  The clone then continued on with her train of thought.  “I was so devastated when Rose was unfairly taken away from me, only for her to be replaced by a filthy infant that was holding her precious gemstone.  I was so appalled by that abomination that I just wanted to…just get rid of it.  Looking back at it, I really should have done it while it was easy.  I could have just gone to the lake, rip the gemstone out of that parasite and toss the creature into the water and out of our lives.  It would have been so simple, but of course you would have thrown a fit about being ‘unethical’ or ‘monstrous’.  Typical Amethyst, always being a burden on the team.”

Amethyst was beginning to feel uncomfortable now.  She knew that this wasn’t really Pearl that was making such horrible claims.  Yet, just seeing and hearing the words coming out of the white Gem’s mouth and in her voice just made the purple Gem feel sick inside.  It was like Pearl was admitting a terrible truth to her and she hardly even cared about what it sounded like.  Amethyst immediately shook that thought out of her head, knowing that was what exactly what the Bill wanted her to think.  She then decided to offer a counter argument instead.  “I-I’m not a burden!  I contribute just as much as anyone else does!  I give it my best and everyone appreciates that!”  The purple Gem failed to notice in her anger that the mist was enclosing on the again.

Pearl shook her head and gave a light chuckle.  “Really Amethyst?  Because I think that someone else might have a few words on that matter.” She said as the mist enclosed on her.  Amethyst had it with these games now.  She unraveled her whip and was ready to attack whatever came out of the fog, no matter who it was.  A figure began walking out of the shroud, but it was still unclear who it was.  Amethyst hardly cared about that as she ran full speed at the figure, ready to finish off the dream demon’s latest illusion.  She was about to make the first strike before she saw what had emerged.  The iconic fez atop his head and flashy suit fit for a showman he had on caused the purple Gem to stop dead in her tracks.  The man that stood before Amethyst was Stan Pines.

“S-S-Stan?!” was all she could mutter at what was before her, unknowingly dropping her whip from her grasp.  Her mind was spinning at what she was seeing.  Would Bill go as far as imitate one of the best humans that she had the pleasure of forming a bond with?  Before she could answer her own question, the Stan copy spoke for himself.  “Well duh kid, I am one of the only ones who know how much of a screw up you are.  While those Crystal Chumps were off and actually getting stuff done, I was left to babysit you so that you wouldn’t cause any more damage!”  The conman looked annoyed at this thought.  “But, I guess it wasn’t all bad!  Those ‘Revenge Trips’ that we took certainly made you a lot more useful than you were before.  All I had to do was make it seem like a ‘friendship’ thing and you were on board for just about anything!  And if we were to ever get caught, I would’ve let you take the blame for it and I could get away scot-free!  Like that one time when the Gems had to bail us out of that jail!”

Amethyst felt her heart ache at this.  Stan would never do something like that to her.  What they had was a genuine friendship that had lasted for years and was built on trust and respect.  So why was Stan telling her all of this?  It just couldn’t be true.  “Liar,” she screamed.  “You would…I mean Stan would never just use me like that!  We make sure to look out for each other!  He trusts me!”

Stan then rubbed his temple and then continued with his tangent.  “Trust you?” he said, as if he had heard something idiotic.  “How could I ever trust you, kid?  You are so easy to manipulate, how could anyone depend on, let alone trust, you?  You wanna know why didn’t let you in on what I was doing to get my twin brother back?  It was because you would mess up everything!  You would’ve blabbed about the portal to the Gems and all of those years of work would go to waste!  You’re too eager to impress everyone, you end up being just a tool.  Just when the portal was about to open, you actually decided to stop the Gems from shutting it down.  You had no idea what the portal would do, and yet you STILL trusted me and went against your own kind!  Do you really think I can trust someone who flips sides in a heartbeat?!  I think not!”

Amethyst had to sit down from this.  What was happening right now?  She thought she was doing the right thing when she stopped the other Gems from shutting down the portal.  Sure, things were rough with them after that for a while, but they eventually made up and became a team again.  And Stan was so grateful to her and because of her actions, he was able to get back his long-lost twin brother.  Now Stan was saying that she was just a tool for his schemes, and that she was being just as stupid back at the portal.  The purple Gem felt like everything she knew was being ripped out from under her.  She was speechless at what was being told to her.

“And this isn’t just a recent problem, kid,” Stan said as he was walking towards her.  “This goes way back long before I was around, and I think I know just the broad to point that out.”  Stan was then engulfed in the mist while he was still marching toward the Gem.  Amethyst could only crawl backwards away from the enclosing cloud of mist.  She couldn’t take this anymore.  She couldn’t bear to listen to what other people close to her had to say about her mistakes.  She saw another figure begin to emerge from the mist and began to panic.  She began to recognize the figure that stepped out of the shroud.  Amethyst eyes began to well up at who she saw.  The beautiful, pink curls; the large, radiant figure; and the gemstone centered at her stomach confirmed one of Amethyst’s worst fears.  Rose Quartz was standing before the purple Gem cowering on the ground.

“My my, look what we have here,” she said in her gentle tone.  “The defective Gem cowering at my feet.  How expected.”  The purple Gem looked up into Rose’s eyes not to find pity or angry, but just a neutral, unimpressed look.  The pink Gem then lifted one of her feet and pressed it against the purple Gem’s face.  Only Amethyst noticed that instead of being bare foot, Rose was wearing pink, Stiletto heels that continued to stab at her cheek.  “Rose…..when did you….start wearing heels?” was all the purple Gem could mutter under the pressure of the former Gem leader’s foot. 

“Oh, these?” the pink Gem said.  “I’d just thought I would try something different; something more appropriate.  You would certainly know about that, what with you always changing to make up for those many shortcomings of yours.”  Rose then pressed further down on the Gem’s face, digging the tip of the heel deeper into her cheek. 

“I must say Amethyst, I am rather disappointed in how things turned out.  When we lost most of our comrades from the war, I thought that would be it for Gems on Earth.  But, then I came across you, a defected Amethyst that just so happen to survive.”  Rose then turned her gaze over to the hundreds of exit holes that covered one of the cliff faces.  “Out of all these capable Gems, I was stuck with the runt of the litter.  Of course, I immediately thought that I would never associate myself with a Gem as pathetic as you.  But whether it was from pity or curiosity, I decided to let you join the remaining Crystal Gems.  I thought that by some miracle you actually be of some use.”  She then looked back down at Amethyst, starting with resentful eyes.  “However, it turned out that I was right the entire time.  Anything you did either complicated or jeopardized the mission.  Leaving you behind and letting do whatever you pleased seemed to be the best course of action.  But then you disappoint me again by spending time with Stan.  It’s almost impressive at how pathetic you can really be.  And it would appear that nothing has changed since my passing.  You disappointed me in life and your disappointing me in death.”

Tears were now streaming down Amethyst cheek.  The pain was just too much for her, both physical and emotional.  Amethyst’s entire existence had been an uphill battle for her.  Yet she was told that her resilience was one of her best traits.  She had felt accomplished at what she had overcome.  But now Rose was telling her that is was all a sham.  She was just as worthless as she was when popped out of this planet.

The purple Gem’s train of thought was interrupted as Rose grabbed her by the neck and held her up face to face.  “I think it’s finally time I put you back where I found you.”  She then walked toward one of the cliff faces, dragging Amethyst behind her.  Amethyst was able to glance up to see where the pink Gem was taking her.  It was the exit hole that she had emerged from, she was able to tell since the hole was only half the size of the exit holes around it.  The exit hole usually gave the purple Gem some comfort, but something told her that it was going to become her tomb.

Rose roughly threw Amethyst into the hole.  The crevice was dark, with the only light coming from the outside.  The Gem wasn’t normally claustrophobic, but she wasn’t exactly feeling herself at the moment.  Amethyst looked up to see that Rose appeared to be moving something that on the side of the exit.  Her worst assumptions were proven true when she saw that was in fact moving a boulder.  Rose was about to completely cover the hole, but not before giving a final few words.

“Perhaps I will leave in here for another millennium to see if you grow into someone more useful.  Or maybe I will probably forget that I put you here, probably the ladder.  Oh, but don’t worry about Steven.  I have a feeling that he and that Dipper boy will other things on her mind than worrying about you!”  Before Rose completely sealed the exit, Amethyst could have sworn that she saw Rose’s eyes grow a bright yellow.  “So long then…..Half Baked!”

The moment that the darkness had swallowed her, Amethyst awoke from her sleep.  But instead of feeling refreshed, she felt angry, pain, and the need to destroy.

The maze-like layout that was Amethyst’s room really irritated Pearl.  The white Gem was in the Temple looking for the messy Gem for an important reason.  Garnet had told her that all of the Gems needed to be present for an important meeting.  When Pearl asked about what the meeting was about, the Gem leader just said it was an important matter.  So, now she made her way in the Temple to find Amethyst, that is if she could find her in this disaster.

Suddenly, Pearl thought that see heard something.  Upon listening closer, she concluded that it was Amethyst in some type of struggle.  The white Gem immediately followed the sound before finally reaching its source.  What was before her was indeed Amethyst, but she was apparently destroying random piles of junk with her whip.  Pearl knew that the purple Gem got emotional at times, but she would usually take out her frustrations out in the woods instead of in her own room.  Something was definitely wrong.

“Amethyst!” the white Gem cried out.  “What on Earth has gotten into you?!”  Amethyst suddenly turned around to see who had just called out to her.  The white Gem’s heart broke when she looked in to Amethyst’s eyes.  There was sadness, pain and fear all mixed in to one depressive look.  Amethyst only hesitated for a second before she slowly backed up against a nearby wall.  “Stay back!  Stay away from me!  You can’t fool me!” she cried out, trying to put on a false bravado.

Pearl had to approach this situation carefully.  While it definitely not the first time she had to calm Amethyst down, she could tell that this was entirely different situation.  “Amethyst,” she calmly said, slowly approaching the panicked Gem.  “I want you to look into my eyes.  Look into my eyes and just tell me what happened.”

In her manic state, Amethyst was somehow able to follow the white Gem’s directions.  She didn’t see anger, annoyance or hatred in Pearl’s eyes.  She only saw sadness and concern for her long-time comrade and friend.  This was her Pearl.  And as soon as she realized this, Amethyst broke down into tears and tightly embraced the white Gem. 

Amethyst just sobbed for a few minutes before finally speaking up in between sobs.  “I-I’m so sorry Pearl.  He..he just came out of nowhere!  He was you….Stan….a-and Rose!  And he said-“  Pearl then shushed her and just continued to comfort the small Gem.  She knew exactly what happened, for she was in the exact situation.  “It’s okay Amethyst, it’s okay.  Just relax, I’m here for you.” She said as she continued to pet Amethyst’s messy hair.  Amethyst was able to say one more thing though.  “He….Rose said that I was a disappointment.” She solemnly said.  “No Amethyst,” Pearl calmly said, trying to suppress the ever-growing anger at the dream demon.

“You’re just perfect the way you are.”              

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

Ghost of you, Chapter 2/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 2/?.

Pairings: Human!Nine x Rose; Human!Ten x Jack; Clara Oswald x Olivia Baxter (OC).

Synopsis: "He rubbed his face and put his glasses back on his nose. He grabbed a report he hadn’t touched yet and started reading it. It was Jack’s. One of his most faithful and clever colleagues. Quite a flirter. He had already tried with him and Rose, but it was just a game now and neither of them were stopping him."

A/N: I've started writing this fiction last year after I had a particularly weird dream (as usual) and after I wrote the prologue, I've put it aside to work on other stuff. I've gone back to it not so long ago and decided that it would be the fiction I would post next, after not posting anything for a while. I must have watched I am legend and Game of thrones way too much to come out with something like this but I hope you will like it. I am not a scientist, nor did I have a particular knowledge of sciences. I do my researches on the internet like everyone to make sure everything is as close to the reality as possible. I have a literature degree only. Writing is what I do and it makes me explore next fields, and learn new things.

“Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace.” - Anonymous.

CHAPTER 2:

Twenty-ninth day of September 2017. Day 1743 since the infection. Maxence Spitz video log. The last two days have been hard on the team’s morale. Since our lab has been vandalised, we lost the will to continue our researches. We spent those two days to clean all the areas that have been tagged by the vandals, to gather all the scattered documents and classify them back in the box they belonged to. This was only material and nothing too serious has been reported. I’ve checked the cctv personally but the persons responsible for this criminal act seemed to know where all the cameras where. Impossible to see a face or a detail that could have helped identifying them. And the police are too overwhelmed with what is currently going on outside to give attention to vandalism. We haven’t suffered important damages. I thought it was just an act of protest. Until I got into my own lab. By a chance I can’t name, they didn’t manage to enter in my office, but they broke into the room I was keeping all my rats in. They threw them all on the ground and terminated all the rats. The sick ones and the healthy ones. The entire room has been decontaminated now but all my current researches have been ruined and I have to start it all back. Rats are hard to find lately. It’s gonna be difficult to find the perfect samples to continue my work. There has been no breach on the other labs. I guess those people were part of the RSPCA or something. That’s the only explanation I have right now. I can’t see why someone would want to stop our researches. The world is sinking into chaos. Everyone should be glad that we’re looking for a solution. Now our work has slowed down. But we won’t give up. We can’t give up. Maxence switched off the camera of his computer and turned to face the large window overlooking his lab. It was empty. Completely empty. All the cages had been taken away for the decontamination and he was waiting for new specimen to start doing experiments again. All the reports from all his team were littered on his desk and he had highlighted the information he needed. He had a notepad somewhere under all those reports with his notes and observations, but he couldn’t find it. He hadn’t slept in two days. Good thing he had had a good night of sleep and some time to relax before this happened. Now, all the technology was working but he didn’t have any living subjects to work on. It was as if no one wanted them to make any more progress when they were so close to reach their goal. He rubbed his face and put his glasses back on his nose. He grabbed a report he hadn’t touched yet and started reading it. It was Jack’s. One of his most faithful and clever colleagues. Quite a flirter. He had already tried with him and Rose, but it was just a game now and neither of them were stopping him. They knew he wasn’t serious and it gave them some good laughs sometimes. Which was a good thing. Jack was working on the DNA and its alterations. He had observed several times how the DNA of the rats was corrupted by the virus but couldn’t identify the process that was causing the corruption. Until today. Today, there was something new. Maxence sat up straight and grabbed the first pen that came under his hand to mark the passage. There was a hope. A new lead. Something new to explore. Once he was done reading the report and graphics, he left his office, locking it behind him to be sure there wouldn’t be any intrusion, and jumped in the first lift that opened its doors to him. He pressed the button to the second floor underground. It was where Jack’s lab was hidden. They used to be working on sensitive and dangerous subjects and they had decided that it would be better to keep them underground than to have them upstairs. They had hoped to catch a human specimen with the disease and that’s why they had two of those huge constructions no different from the cages they used for rats. It was as big as a student room on the campus with just a bed. It was ultraviolet lights and all the walls were in plexiglass. But so far, no one had been locked in there. Was it a chance or not? Maxence honestly wasn’t ready for experiments on humans. He walked through the glazed sliding doors separating the ‘cages’ from the labs. He made his way to Jack’s office, saluting his colleagues on the way. They were back at work, repeating the same operations they had done a hundred times before, hoping something new would come out of this. Maxence knocked on the door but there was no answer. He knew the Captain – Jack had worked for the army before Maxence hired him – was there. He could see him through the glazed door. He had his headphones on and was tapping the rhythm of his music on his desk. Labs would usually forbid their workers to listen to music, the leaders thinking that it was a source of distraction, but Maxence wasn’t against it. Especially in those hard times. He slid his access card in the reader and watched the indicator light turn to green before he opened the door and came in. As the leader of this place, he had access to every office and every lab. There were some advantages to be the one in charge. To him, there were more inconveniences than advantages, but he would go back to his little normal life when this would be over. He clipped his access card back on the pocket of his white shirt. Jack hadn’t seen him yet. His eyes closed, he was waiting for new results on his computer. It was almost over. A noise drew Maxence’s attention on Jack’s own room of observation. He arched his eyebrows as a pig ran through the window, trying to break it. He knelt down and observed the animal. Dark eyes, blue tentacles on the skin. No doubt on the diagnosis. “You’ve infected Peggy?” His voice was incredulous because he couldn’t believe that Jack had sacrificed this beautiful animal for the sake of sciences. Not as if the Captain could hear him with his headphones on. “It’s not like I’ve had much of a choice, Doc.” Obviously, the Captain had taken off his headphones. He was now standing beside his boss and watching the pig acting as if she wanted to kill herself by knocking her head on the glass. A behaviour she had had over the last few hours. But the glass was too thick for it to break so easily. “It’s been twelve hours now. She has been running into the glass for two.” “Pigs are clever animals. I guess she understands what is going on and prefers dying on her own instead of waiting for the disease to do it.” “Or it’s the disease doing this. We both know one of the steps is the madness.” “Whatever it is, I’ve read your report.” “And?” “You’ve found something about the DNA.” “Oh, right. DNA’s corruption. Come have a look at this.” Jack walked to his computer and opened a couple of windows. One of them was displaying a healthy DNA sequence and the other was a corrupted one. Another window was showing different sequencings. There were red comments and circles all over the documents to point out the anomalies he had found. “I haven’t found this on the rats’ DNA. The disease was too quick to progress for me to notice it but with Peggy, the results were super clear.” Maxence cleaned his glasses and put them back on his nose. Jack pulled out his own glasses and pulled them on. Working on computers caused them to have eyes that grew tired really quickly. He put his finger on the healthy DNA sequence. “This is what a normal DNA sequence looks like. Adenine and thymine. Cytosine and guanine. Every normal molecule. Now there’s this one.” He placed his finger on the other DNA picture. “As you can see, there’s the four main nucleotide bases of a DNA strand with every combination possible. But look at this now.” He slipped his fingers on the red circles. Two nucleotides base that were completely different and unknown of the database. “Those two appeared barely two hours after I injected the virus to Peggy. I’ve tested her every hour after that.” “And?” “They developed. They’re replacing the normal nucleotides. I’m waiting for the results of the last test I’ve made. But so far, those new nucleotides are replicating and taking the place of the normal ones.” “Is this some kind of evolution?” “More of a decrease.” Maxence observed the results the computer was showing him, thinking about what he had just learnt. He glanced at the pig. Peggy had stopped running into the window and was still in the middle of the room. She was breathless from running too much. Maxence looked up at the screens. Jack had connected sensors on Peggy to follow her vital signs. Her heart rate was too high. If she wasn’t calming down, she would die. There was nothing he could do to help Peggy. Not without coming in the room. And considering the time it took to go through the decontamination room and to pull on an airtight suit, it would be too late. He was watching the pig probably living her last moment on Earth while Jack was stuck on his computer, waiting for the latest results. How could humans survive this virus when other living beings were dying? The computer beeped announcing the new results and Jack tapped on the keyboard to have access to it. Maxence couldn’t take his eyes off of Peggy. “Doc?” Jack’s voice was blank, void of emotions. Whatever the results were, he was shocked by them. Anyway, Maxence didn’t take his eyes off the pig that seemed to be staring at him in return. Who said that animals couldn’t be as clever as humans? “Don’t call me, Doc.” “Don’t call me Captain then.” “Rose calls you Captain, not me.” “Don’t lie to me, Doc. Come here.” Peggy’s heart rate slowed down and went back to normal. She turned her head around and went to sleep on the bed of straw and hay that Jack had prepared for her. Maxence turned to face Jack and the computer. He read the results. There weren’t any normal nucleotides left. Only the corrupted ones were appearing now. “What should we do?” “Find a way to reverse this. This is the biggest lead we’ve had in months. Thanks, Jack. Send me all your results. I’ll print a new report and send it all through mails to the others.” Maxence breathed deeply and closed his eyes. He pinched his nose’s bridge. He had to go back upstairs and start thinking about a way to reverse the degradation of the DNA. When everyone’s morale was down, Jack hadn’t given up and had done his job. His results would motivate the others to continue their researches. Maxence was thankful for this brilliant mind to be in his team. “Are you alright, Doc?” Maxence hadn’t moved despite his words and Jack’s tone showed his worry for his boss. He looked pretty pale suddenly and his hand was gripping the edge of the desk. Just a little dizziness from the lack of sleep and from overworking. He needed to sit down and breathe a little. He felt Jack’s hand grabbing his arm and helping him to sit down in his office chair. He was forced to bend down until his head was between his knees and told to breathe. He didn’t understand what was going on. He was disconnected from this reality, stuck in a parallel one where he could only be a deaf and mute witness. “Doctor Spitz? Do you hear me?” A new voice. A female voice. Jack had called someone else. Olivia Baxter, the guarantor of their health. Something tightened around his left biceps and something cold was pressed against his chest. The parallel reality was fading away and he was being brought back to the normal one. He was becoming aware of his surroundings again. There were two persons by his side. Jack and Olivia. He was relieved that Rose hadn’t been called. She would have been worried and would have forced him to rest. He didn’t have any time for that. He had work. An awful lot of work. He bent backward in the chair and sighed deeply. “Your blood pressure is too high, Doctor Spitz.” “Not a surprise,” commented Jack. “You’ve had a panic attack. Anything that could have caused it?” She glanced between Jack and Maxence. “Apart from the obvious, of course.” “That’s confidential, Olivia.” Olivia pulled a face. Maxence was the only one allowed to call her by her full name because he was her boss. That wasn’t stopping her from hating hearing it every time he used it. She removed the blood pressure monitor from his arm and put it back inside her medical bag. She pulled out a chocolate bar and dropped it in his hand. “Eat this. Have a nap. You’ll feel better.” “As if I had the time to even consider taking a nap,” sighed Maxence. “Find it. Or I’ll tell your wife.” Maxence sighed again. That was the ultimate threat against him. Everyone knew that only Rose had the power on him and could make him do anything. He teared up the paper of the chocolate bar and took a large bite of it. “I’ll find the time.” “Good. The results of your blood tests will be there at 5. If your team works well.” Blood tests? He looked at his arm. She indeed had done a blood test on him. To be sure that he wasn’t coming down with something. Something as serious as the noctiagus. He doubted that he could have been contaminated in any way, but they had to be sure. He finished the chocolate bar, threw the paper in the bin and got up. “Keep me updated,” he said to Jack. Then, he left the room and went back upstairs, back to his office with the new information he had in mind. Their researches were finally going somewhere. Instead of heading to his quarters to get the rest he had promised Olivia he would get, he went straight to his office. Jack had already sent him his last results. Maxence grabbed all the paperwork on his desk and made a pile of it to have access to his computer. He opened his mailbox and clicked on ‘new message’. He entered the mail addresses of all the members of his team and wrote a quick message before joining Jack’s results and sending it to everyone with new directives to follow. He closed his computer and left his office, making sure to have it locked. He didn’t want another intrusion and certainly not where all the researches were kept. He unlocked the access to his quarters with his card. They better not face a blackout, or everyone would be locked into their current area. Every access was granted through those electronic devices. Everything here was quiet. Everyone was at work. He made a stop by the kitchen and stole a bunch of fries someone had left in the fridge. He microwaved them and poured salt and vinegar on them before he made his way to his bedroom, eating fries all along. He sneaked inside the room, switched on a dim light and lay down in bed. He turned on the telly on the news channel and kept eating the fries. His body was thanking him for this moment of just laying down and eating instead of running everywhere in the building to check on everyone’s work and see if there had been any progress on their life or death mission. He grabbed a paper tissue from Rose’s bedside table and wiped away his greasy fingers. He put the empty plate away and looked into the drawer of his own bedside table to see if he had some sweets or chocolate. Nothing. Him or Rose must have eaten the last bit and they hadn’t thought of a way to find new stuff because of their work. They weren’t gonna ask the people that were bringing them food to add loads of sweets and chocolate and biscuits because the leader of their team liked having a little sweet to comfort himself. They were only given the necessary and it was more than enough. It soon was gonna be hard to have even that little food they could get if he believed what was actually being told on the news channel. “Volume up.” The telly obeyed his vocal order and the volume was turned up. The images were showing the centre of London completely devastated by a new sort of night walkers. They were still vulnerable to the light, but they were less lethargic, more aggressive. It wasn’t good news at all. The streets were already deserted and going outside was hard but not impossible. With this turn of events, they would be stuck inside the building and authorisations to go outside would be revoked for everyone. His phone rang and he grabbed it without taking his eyes off of the flames and the destruction of a town he had loved walking in with his wife. “Volume down.” The telly lowered the volume and he picked up his phone. “Spitz, Centre of researches for contagious diseases.” He listened to the person talking to him. The only person higher than him in the hierarchy. “Yes, sir. I’m watching it now. They managed to hack the town’s cctv, I think. No, I wouldn’t have approved this to be showed on telly.” His interlocutor wasn’t happy about this. The worldwide population was already terrified and they had made sure that no image would come out in the medias. If something had leaked, it wasn’t coming from here. He trusted his team. They wouldn’t have betrayed him or their country. “Jack… Sorry. Doctor Harkness has found something today. It’s a major lead but we don’t know yet where it’s gonna take us. We’re completely destitute without the rats.” His face went white at the next words. He had expected this day to come but not so soon. “That’s… That’s just impossible, sir. We can’t… Yes, sir. I’ll find a couple of brave people for this mission. Goodbye, sir.” Maxence put his phone aside and sank in his pillow. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. The next step definitely wasn’t gonna be easy. He had to find a few men that would want to go with him on that one. As much as he trusted his team, he knew that not many would follow him there. He had to keep it hidden from Rose too. She would be able to go in the face of their superior for this idea, even if she knew that it was necessary. He scratched the itch on his elbow. He was feeling the panic coming to him again. “Maxence?” He startled at the sound of Rose’s voice. He hadn’t heard her coming in. He glanced at the telly. It was on mute and it was playing an old episode of Broadchurch. The scientist remembered when they teased Tegan Smith, their colleague in the team, because he looked so much like Alec Hardy physically. But Tegan Smith was nothing like the detective. He was a bright personality, always smiling and comforting everyone with good jokes. He was also very clever, maybe the second most intelligent person in this place, and one happy guy Maxence was glad to have around in those dark times. “Maxence? Do you hear me, honey?” Her hand on his arm was warm but her tone was worried. What was making her so worried? Was it the fact that his brain was wrapped in cotton? The fact he was hearing her voice as if he was underwater? Or the fact his chest was so tightened that he couldn’t breathe? Or because his heart rate was off the charts? All of it most likely. Her fingers touched his ears and he didn’t understand what she was doing until the music filled his hearing. ASMR. Only Rose could know what he would need in this moment, what would calm him down. He hated feeling this vulnerable but was relieved that no one else but his wife was here to be a witness of it. Jack and Olivia were there to see it that morning and that made him ashamed of his condition. But none of them would judge him, they knew the weight on his shoulders. Part of it at least. “Always there for the rough times,” he joked lightly, pulling an earbud out of his ear. “For the best and for the worst, love.” She wasn’t in the mood to joke, not after the news she had seen, not after watching her husband struggling against anxiety. She cupped his cheek where the shadow of a beard was growing and stroked it lightly. “I wondered who had stolen my chips. Thought it would be you and came to see if you were there.” “Liv forced me to rest.” “Your anxiety is back.” “Not a surprise, innit?” Rose lay down beside him and wrapped an arm around his chest. She softly kissed his jawline. She felt the smile on his face. He was always smiling when she kissed this spot. “Good thing I know how to calm you down. When did you see Liv?” “Earlier. I was in Jack’s office when the first one hit.” “My poor hubby. Our lab being attacked and our researches not going anywhere certainly doesn’t help your natural anxious condition.” “I’m no natural anxious.” “You are.” “Maybe a little. I’m sure it’ll go away if you…” “If I what?” Her lips brushed over his chin and moved to his jawline again only to drop a kiss behind his ear. She was playing with him, distracting his mind that was too preoccupied with the world’s current situation. She was gonna kiss his jawline once again but he turned his head and pressed his lips against hers. They stretched in a pleasant smile. “No effort for the mister.” “Liv told me to rest, not to stay in bed all day. We’ve got work.” “Yeah, I’ve seen your mail.” Her face had darkened. The mail wasn’t containing any good news except for the fact they had a new lead to work on. What could have corrupted the DNA so badly? How could this have happened in just an hour five years ago? New answers brought new questions. Questions they had to find new answers to. “No news from anyone else?” “The CDC has more chances than us to find something. They have more financial funds and protections when we can’t even renew our stock of rats. I haven’t sent them the mail though. I want to be sure that’s a serious lead before contacting the ECDPC and everyone else.” “Wise decision.” She tapped his nose and he smiled at her. She was always doing it to him. He was used to it now and he liked it a lot. That was just how she was, his Rose. He never wanted her to change. “Don’t you have work to do?” “I needed some rest too.” “Liv sent you to check on me?” “Haven’t seen her. She’s working on something. Your blood test I guess.” She managed to grab the small corner of the plaster that was lightly sticking out and pulled on it. Maxence groaned as the sudden burn of the removal hit him. He never took the plaster off by himself and she was taking him by surprise every time she did it for him so he wouldn’t stop her. As ridiculous as it sounded, the grown up Maxence hated taking off his plasters or band-aids and Rose had to do it for him. He closed his eyes again. He was having one hell of a headache caused by that talk with his superior. He placed his arm over his eyes. He was gonna sleep a bit now that he had eaten. It would give him some strengths before he started looking for brave people to come with him for this suicide mission. Before he could fall asleep though, Rose grabbed his arm and started examining it. “What’s that? The big red blotch, for how long have you got it?” Her voice was worried. Any symptom was triggering an alert in this building. And him beginning to have panic attacks again and showing big red blotches on his skin was definitely alarming. He wasn’t scared. He knew all the symptoms of the noctiagus disease and what he had was nothing like it. It was just a reaction to his anxiety. “It’s just eczema. You know how my anxiety is always showing on my skin whenever it’s reaching a peak.” “A hell of a peak then!” He couldn’t contradict her because she was right. The blotch wasn’t there earlier. It had appeared recently. In the last hour most likely. He glanced at it quickly. It was really bad. He should find a treatment for it. “I’ll go find Liv and ask her if she had something. You, you rest.” “Yes, ma’am.” She kissed his forehead and quickly left the room. He took his glasses off and put them on the bedside table. He rolled on his side, buried his head in Rose’s pillow and closed his eyes. Despite his exhaustion, he didn’t fall asleep. Behind his shut eyes, he was only seeing those images of destruction and despair, hearing the words of his superior, feeling the panic of the mission to come. A mission he was hiding to Rose because there was no way she would be a part of it. He would never let her go on the field. He loved her too much to send her to the slaughterhouse. But him… Him had been picked volunteer. Just because he was the leader of this team. He didn’t remember falling asleep but when he opened his eyes again, the blotches on his arms had been taken care of. Rose had rubbed in some ointment Liv had given her in his irritated skin and bandaged it to keep it hidden. He would wear long sleeves to avoid questions. He already hated the fact that some of his team knew about his panic attacks, he refused to let them know how much it could affect him. He sat up on bed and put on his glasses. There was a steaming cup of tea that was replacing the empty plate of fries. He pulled on a hoodie and took the cup. He left his room and went back to his office. He sat down at his desk and printed a list of all the available persons working for him. He grabbed a pen and drew a cross next to the names of the ten lucky ones that would accompany him. The hardest part would be to tell them about the heavy responsibility on their shoulders…

To be continued...

Ghost of you © | 2017 - 2018 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

In the next chapter:

He was ready, all kitted out with these combat clothes and guns. He only had to put the gas mask on. He still had a few minutes. He cast a look at his computer. The fear was tearing him apart. He was afraid of not coming back. Afraid that Rose would never know the truth about this mission. He had to leave her a message. He opened his laptop, turned the camera on. For a moment, he only looked at his image on the screen. He didn’t know what to say. If he wasn’t coming back, she would check his computer and see this message. If he came back after some ruckus, she would kill him. She would hate on him whatever happened. He had to tell her everything before leaving this place. That would soften her wrath, would make her forgive him more easily. And if it was the last time he was speaking to her, she would want to keep this video. He began recording.

×××

← Last || Next →

English version:

AO3 || Download - CHAPTER 2 || FF || TS || Wattpad.

Buy me a coffee?