#and i got Sidetracked. BUT HERE IT IS ONE MONTH LATER!!!!

[josephtrohman]

Joe reaches above his head, pushing onto his toes, to put a clean frying pan on the top shelf, pulling his t-shirt up with the motion. There’s a flash of the dimples near Joe’s spine, at the small of his back—an unnecessarily sexy part of him, in Patrick’s opinion—holding Patrick’s attention. Patrick feels pulled to him from across the kitchen, unconsciously, fingers curling over hip bones, thumbs holding the hem of Joe’s shirt out of the way to get an eye full. He stares with wide, yearning eyes... Or: Patrick catches a glimpse of Joe’s back dimples, and he has to act up about it. Naturally.

top patrick/bottom joe nation i wrote a little bit of married/domestic flavoured smut inspired by joe's back dimples, hope u enjoy <3

[reiderwriter]

♡ Forever Only ♡

Week 3 of my Playlist series

Summary: You thought you wouldn't see him again, at least for a while, but Spencer Reid finds you, and he has questions.

Warnings: smut, 18+ minors dni. Penetrative sex, voyeurism, fingering, multiple orgasms, semi-protected sex, creampie, almost breeding kink, like if you squint, slight angst, dom!Spencer Reid.

A/N: First smut of the series! This one is based on one of my top songs of 2023, everyone say thank you, Jaehyun, for releasing the closest K-pop is ever going to get to 00s R&B. I hope you all enjoy it 🥰

Masterlist || Spotify Playlist

Of all the places you'd been where you thought of Spencer Reid and your paths crossing again, you never expected it to actually happen here.

The club was lit so low, so you didn't really expect it to be him, your ex-something, not quite boyfriend, far from nothing, situationship maybe? But there he was.

Not just him, but all of them. The BAU, minus their bosses, were all dancing and drinking at various points around the club, having fun but still being vigilant.

You're surprised you notice him before he notices you, but you're not surprised that it doesn't take him much longer.

You're not exactly here to blend in with the crowd.

The low-cut dress with the lower-cut bust line is already getting as much attention as you'd expected it would, and that doesn't go unnoticed by Spencer as he finally drags his eyes over to the commotion you've made in the corner.

“I don't know you,” you tried to politely explain to the creep who'd blocked you in with one arm. “I'm just waiting for my friend, please leave me alone.”

“Let's have some fun, baby, you, me, that body you're hiding under those scraps of fabric. I'll make you scream, I promise.”

You'd scoffed the first few times he'd made similar remarks, but he was tenacious, and he didn't understand the word “no,” and was vaguely unfamiliar with “leave,” “me,” and “alone” too.

You'd scanned the room for a friendly face and had locked eyes with the man you'd been waiting six months to meet again. Perfect timing.

Of course, he'd picked up on your discomfort and walked your way, and of course, he'd bought back-up.

“Y/N, you should've sent me a text when you got here!” Emily Prentiss expertly grabbed your wrist and pulled you into a hug, as the man was forced to let you move.

“Sorry, I got a bit sidetracked,” you mumbled, still feeling the weight of the creeps gaze on you despite your newly inherited guard dogs.

“Come on over to the table, baby girl, we got bottle service. I'm going big tonight.” You tried to thank Morgan as well, but the smile you sent him didn't reach your eyes as you consciously avoided Spencer's gaze.

“You know these people, babe?” The stranger from behind you put a hand on your waist as he pulled you back a step, leaving you stumbling wide eyed until your back was to his chest, shoulders unconsciously rounding into a protective stance as you tried to shrug hum off.

“For the last time, let go of me. I don't know you, and I don't want to know you. This is your last warning.” You rounded on the man, turned your back to the other three agents, and tried to calm your thoughts to see his next reaction.

“Stuck-up bitch, I said you're coming home with me tonight.”

You made sure his last attempt to grab you was his last attempt to grab any woman as you flipped him onto his back, your fellow agents behind you pulling their guns and handcuffs to helpfully lead him out of his hunting grounds.

You'd hadn't wanted to see Spencer Reid again so soon, and you certainly hadn't wanted to enlist the entire teams help on a serial rape case, but it wasn't your final decision to make.

And honestly, you'd been glad for the help in the take down, with your office so understaffed.

After reading the creep his rights, seizing the date rape drug he'd planned to slip into your drink later that night, and the knives and rope in his card that he was planning to also use on you, you were just thankful that you had all the help you could get.

Now that you were back at the station at 4am, with nothing but aching muscles from handing the nearly 200 lbs man his ass to him on a platters and aching feet from doing it in heels, you wanted nothing else than for the last week to erase itself.

Six months absence from the BAU wasn't long enough to fall out of love with Spencer Reid, and you never thought it would be.

A year was all the time it had taken to fall head over heels for the man, and you'd assumed you could reverse that in the same time, so you'd left.

It wasn't a leave of absence but a strategic departure to a task force in Rapid City, where rape numbers were spiking. You were still doing your job, that was the important part.

You changed into your comfortable clothes in the locker room and grabbed your bag, ready to head out for the night, picking up your keys to head home. You only got two steps out of the room when you ran into him.

“Early start?” He joked, looking at you again with that hesitant half-smile he'd worn the entire week he'd been here.

“Late night.” You replied. It had been a joke you'd developed after so many unusual shifts, so many 3am run-ins where neither of you could find the effort to make actual polite conversation so you'd said the two sentences and sat in amicable silence, often rested against each other as you let exhaustion carry you through the night.

“Can we talk? We're leaving in the morning, and I…” he struggled to find the words, jaw clenching and releasing the way it always did when he couldn't put his emotions into words just yet.

“Sure. But not here. My apartment is a five minute drive.” He nodded and followed you out of the building as you primed your heart to shatter into pieces again.

The drive home was quiet and peaceful, too late for natural traffic, and too early for the morning commute to begin. You made it home in record time and led him inside the apartment you'd chosen.

You flipped the light switch and kept you back to him while you completed your daily routine, trying your best to ignore that he was standing in your doorway. You tried not to be curious about what he could tell about you from the doorway, what the lack of decoration meant, how different it was from that cosy box room three blocks from his apartment, how cold it seemed instead.

So you kept your eyes off him to not have to answer the questions he'd likely have.

“So what did you want to talk about, Spence?” You almost cursed yourself for how easily the nickname slipped from your tongue. You'd heard JJ call him that a few times your first week in the office and assumed it was something everyone used for him. The way he flushed red when you said it the first time was engraved in your head, those first heavy beats of your heart alerting you to oncoming danger.

You grabbed two bottles of water from your fridge and walked back to your living room, where he was still stood taking things in.

“Spencer?” You asked again, holding out the bottle.

He took it with a small smile of thanks, and you led him over to the sofa, urging him to talk again.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“You… you didn't say goodbye.”

You knew this was coming, but you hoped he wouldn't have the courage to ask you the questions you knew were about to arrive at your door.

“I'm coming back in six months, Spencer. I didn't say goodbye because it wasn't going to be goodbye.” You'd turned this excuse over in your brain enough to know it was a weak argument, but you hoped your friendly smile would reassure him.

“You didn't tell anyone you were leaving until you were gone. That hurt a lot.”

“I didn't want to hurt you. Everything was just so fast. I had to take the offer immediately, or they would've moved onto someone else. You understand, right, Spencer?” He sat back, resigned, and nodded again slightly.

But a silence built up as he stared at you, and your hands got all sweaty the way they always did when he paid attention to you. You couldn't just stare everywhere else until he broke the silence again.

“How is Rachel? I haven't heard from her in a while.” You blurted the words under the weight of his gaze.

And you knew you'd said too much in those two sentences.

You'd first introduced Spencer to your college roommate after you realised you were in love with him. You'd spent a year at the BAU, and you thought he felt the same way, too.

You hadn't said anything, but you ate together at his apartment weekly, and you went on outings - dates, you'd thought they were dates - to museums and movies. He'd slept over at your house once, and you'd never felt happier than waking up with his arms wrapped around you.

So, of course, you'd taken him along to a party your friend from college was throwing. You'd nearly introduced him as your boyfriend, and looking back, you were glad Rachel had cut you off before you could.

“Is this the famous Spencer Reid? You're cuter than I thought you'd be.” You saw the flirtatious spark in her eyes, heard her tone, and felt uncomfortable.

You felt even worse when she took his hand and led him off to introduce him to more of your friends without a glance back at you.

For the first hour, you were worried about him, knowing that he never did great in social settings. You contented yourself by catching up with old friends, nursing a glass of wine, and trying not to follow him around the room with your eyes.

You'd given up and sat miserably in the corner for the next hour before you'd decided you wanted to leave. This time you'd had to track him down.

It wasn't that you'd found him in any compromising situation. He was just sat on the couch, smiling and talking to her. But when you said you wanted to go home, and he'd agreed to drive you back, she'd grabbed his hand.

“So Tuesday, 8 pm, right? It's a date." He nodded and said his goodbyes, and you wiped all of the emotion off your face so you didn't break down right there.

He talked to you as he drove back, but you could only nod and hum in response.

You shrugged off his concern as you walked into your apartment alone and let your heart break.

You were in Rapid City the next week.

“Your friend from college? I'm….I'm not sure.” He looked genuinely confused down at you as your lungs capsized in on themselves.

“Oh, right.” You nodded again and forced out a yawn, desperate to get rid of him before he could climb back into your heart again and roost there.

“You didn't keep in touch with her after you moved?”

“We had… a disagreement.” It was a kind way to put what had happened. You'd sent her one text asking her what all of that was at her party, and she'd sent you a paragraph back the day of her date with Spencer calling you pathetic and lonely and jealous. And then she'd blocked your number.

“That sucks. She seemed nice.” You couldn't help but scoff at his words, completely forgetting your plan to ask him to leave. Of course, he thought Rachel was nice. He'd been half in love with her by the end of that party.

“What was that for?” He asked, the words spilling out quickly as his eyes narrowed, eyebrows furrowed.

“Nothing. It's late, Spencer.”

“I don't think it was nothing. Why are you asking me about your friend? Why would I know?” He was on the edge of his seat now, and you needed desperately to put some space between you. You stood up and stretched, moving to clean up a pile of papers you'd left on your coffee table that morning.

“You certainly seemed interested six months ago, Spence. I just assumed there was a second date after that first one. My bad.”

You moved to your kitchen, bit he followed you.

“What do you mean? Y/N?” You weren't listening though, instead organising and cleaning things at a quick pace so your brain didn't have to focus on his question.

“Y/N, look at me. Please.” He stepped closer his chest nearly against your back as his hand found your wrist.

It was involuntary, but you relaxed into his familiar grip, your body finally content, and now it was back in his arms.

“Or don't look at me and just listen to me. I don't know what you're talking about, but I never went on any date with Rachel. I wasn't interested in her like that, I was interested in-” He stopped short, frustration ebbing his voice off as the silent words hung between the two of you.

You finally turned around to look at him, and you could see the hurt in his eyes.

He whispered his question again.

“Why didn't you say goodbye?”

“Because my heart was broken, Spencer. Because I took you to meet my friends and I thought I was going to introduce you as my boyfriend, but instead I got ignored the whole night and then you arranged to meet with her and she called it a date. I loved you, I love you and I couldn't say goodbye because then I'd have to hear about it. About how you were happy without me, when I was lonely and broken without you.”

You didn't know you were crying until the tears his your lips. He wiped then away, but they still tasted salty as you licked your lips.

“I didn't come to work for a month,” he confessed. “After you left, I tried to give Hotch my resignation letter. He wouldn't tell me where you went. I came back but it wasn't the same without you.” His forehead rested against yours, noses touching as his words came out barely above a whisper.

“I can't come back, Spencer. Not until I don't feel this way anymore.”

He didn't miss a beat before pressing his lips against yours.

“Don't.” He said between kisses, pinning you against your kitchen counter as he gripped your waist in one hand. You didn't pull away, even as you felt your hot tears flow freely.

“Don't stop loving me. Please.” His voice broke as he pulled you in for a hug, wrapping his arms tight around your back, pinning your hands to his chest as sobs wracked through your body.

You'd held onto this pain for a year and it was all spilling out now.

He looked at you again and started kissing each tear away, lifting you up until your legs were wrapped around him, and he was as close you you as he could possibly be.

“Love me forever. Please.”

You pulled his head away to look at him again, searching for reassurance again that this wasn't going to be one-sided.

“What about you? If I love you forever, which I don't think I have a choice in, how-”

“I love you. I loved you then, I love you now, I will always love you. I don't know how it wasn't clear when I followed you around every second of the day.” He kissed you with each confession, looking angry at himself that he'd never said the words before.

“I asked your friend how I should ask you to be my girlfriend. She had a lot of ideas and said we should meet up and talk about it. I didn't know…” He cursed, not quite as quietly as he'd attempted to. The strangeness of it shocked a laugh out of you, the rumble of it vibrating through your chest. He still held you tightly, but he looked at you again, getting out of his head.

“What's funny?”

“You tried to quit your job to look for me.”

“You moved to South Dakota instead of asking what we were.”

“You kissed me before you told me how you felt.”

“You kissed me back and then you laughed at me.”

“You swore!” You laughed again, and you were sure that he was going to have to put you down this time. You were laughing so much.

Instead he pulled you tighter into his arms and walked out of the kitchen.

“Is this the bedroom?” He asked nodding towards the closed door.

Your laugh quieted at the charged question, until your eyes found his lips as you nodded.

“Good.”

You let him lay you down on the bed before you pulled him in for another kiss, this one more fiery than any you'd shared in the kitchen as he hovered over you on the bed.

“Spencer!” You gasped as his hands trailed under your shirt. You regretted changing out of that small dress now, regretting the amount of fabric between you and him as his hands glided up to your breasts, mouth pressing kiss after kiss into your neck and collarbone.

He nestled his knee between yours and climbed fully over you, pushing your legs open as he showed you where you were going next. You moaned as your back arched into his touch, rubbing yourself against him but still needing him closer.

“I love every sound you make.’ He whispered as his other hand worked its way under the sweatpants you'd thrown on earlier, silently pushing them down your legs as you lifted your hips to help him once again.

His mouth connected with yours again after he got them to your knees, hand pressing flat against your stomach as you finished off the job.

He laid next to you, pulling his lips off your own as you trailed after him. But his eyes weren't on you anymore. You followed his gaze to his hand and watched him slip his fingers under your panties as he began to tease your sensitive parts.

You whimpered slightly as the contact, as he gathered some of your wetness and ran his fingers up and down your sensitive parts.

His lips found your ears. “Just like that. I want to hear you just like that. Whimper for me, Y/N. Beg for me. Let me know how much you want this.”

You gasped as he started rubbing slow even circles around your clit, his body still rolled to the side so he could watch intently the pleasure on your face.

It was near voyeuristic, his eyes focused on your face, the pants of air escaping your lips, the way your nipples had hardened, and had become visible through your shirt.

You hadn't been able to wear a bra with your dress earlier, you wanted to explain, but you couldn't find the words.

“Look at your body reacting to me. You need me to make you feel like this.” He whispered, lowering his head to press a chaste kiss over your clothed nipple. “Right?”

“Yes, fuck, yes Spencer. I need you.”

“Here. Can you feel how much I need you, too?” He grabbed your hand in his free one and pulled it over his erection, instructing you silently on how to hold it and rub it.

“I can feel it, Spencer. Please, please fuck me.” Your voice felt alien to yourself. You'd never had that high of a sex drive before, so you'd never thought you'd ever have to beg for it. But there was something in the tender touch of Spencer's fingers that has you desperate to feel him inside you.

“Do you have condoms?”

“No.”

“Birth control?”

“Yes, yes, please, Spencer. Please, I don't care.” His pace had picked up, his fingers moving slightly rougher than before, but you knew you were close as he kept massaging your sensitive clit.

You knew you were going to cum before you felt him inside you, you knew you'd want to cum again. You were going to be forever insatiable because of this man.

He kissed his way across your skin as he peeled your shirt and his clothes off, leaving your panties for last as he watched you grind your cunt into his fingers.

“I love you,” he whispered In your ear as he stroked his cock, watching your body convulse as you came just at his touch.

He kept his lips close to your ear as he entered you during the throes of your first orgasm, whispering again when he had slid his entire length into you. “And you're mine.”

You were intoxicated by his touch, cum drunk as he began thrusting and you wrapped your legs around his waist.

He nipped and sucked at your neck, listening to you moan and whimper as he pulled out and entered you again and again, head thrown back into the sheets of the bed you'd been too eager to climb underneath.

A few minutes of thrusting and he gripped your waist and sat you up on his cock, moving his hands to your thighs as you wrapped your arms around his neck as he bounced you steadily on his cock.

“Shit, Spencer, you're…so…deep,” you pulled him in closer, burying your head in his neck as you deafened as embarrassing squeal.

You came again on his cock as he used you like a flashlight, his own pants and groans soundtracking your breathless orgasm.

“That's it, good job, Y/N,” he cooed at you, lowering you back onto your back and thrusting shallowly through your convulsions. When you'd recovered slightly again, he gently pushed your legs up, stretching you so your knees were as far back as they could go, splayed open so they were almost touching the bed.

His forehead rested against yours again as he held you in place, keeping his eyes locked on yours as he snapped his hips into you with long, quick thrusts that had you gasping again for the breath he was forcing out of your lungs.

“I love you. And you are mine.” He said. “I love you, and you are mine.” The words were a mantra to him as he worked himself to the edge.

“Yes, yes, I'm yours. I love you, I'm yours, Spencer.” He came with a whimper, releasing inside of you and collapsing gently into your arms as you readied yourself to hold one another for the rest of eternity.

[reidmania]

STILL | spencer reid

summary ; loosing based off still by niall horan. You and spencer broke up and when you see him at a bar a month later everything comes back.

warnings; this is long pure angst with a (?) happy (?) hopeful ending. imma say female reader because there so many little things that indicate that. hella miscommunication, arguing, drinking, jealous spencer, i think its a happy ending idk tbh, let me know if i missed anything

a/n ; this is 4k words. i did not intend that at all, i honestly got so insanely carried away. im so sorry.

You regretted everything, in this moment more than any other. You didn't know how you were possibly stupid enough to be dragged into going out tonight. When your coworkers approached you with the idea of going out for drinks after work as a way to celebrate your promotion, you shouldn't of let yourself get sucked in. It took some convincing till you eventually gave in, but you did -- give in.

Going home to change may not have been the best idea, since it gave you enough time to realise what you were doing and how much you really didn't want to go but you knew your coworkers wouldn't accept your cancelation. So instead you made yourself look presentable, good even.

Things had been difficult to say the least over the last month, while things at work were great, mentally everything was horribly. It had been a month since you and Spencer broke up. A month since the last time the two of you talked.

He had called a few times, but you could never bring yourself to answer despite how badly you wanted to talk to him, some night you would spend hours unable to sleep, staring at his contact, although you never went through will calling him, too scared he wouldn't answer.

Once dressed you left, calling an uber because you knew it was a bad idea to even take your car -- the whole point was to drink, and you would need to drink. As much as you loved your coworkers, you could only handle so much social interaction without liquor in your system.

Arriving, you noticed the group of your coworkers waiting for you outside. You pushed a smile to your lips as you approached them. You had many coworkers of course, but you had your bunch who you worked with closely, the ones here with you now.

Elise was your work best friend, you and her worked side by side everyday. She was the one who convinced you to come out. Ethan was another one who you worked with closely, but weren't nearly as close with. Frank was older, he was almost like the father of your job, and then there was Chelsea who was literally franks daughter, she was nice, easy to get along with.

"Theres they are!!" Elise said excitedly, you appreciated the way they all dressed up. You were met with a bundle of flowers, being held out by Ethan. "We got you these, as a congrats present" He smile.

You're entire face warmed as your chest did too. You were lucky to be surrounded by a group of people who cared as much as they did. "Aw, Thank you guys." You smiled widely as you took the flowers, not knowing what you were going to do with them inside the bar -- but you figured you'd worry about that later.

You followed them inside the bar, instantly finding a table. Everything sunk into place, everyone talking and chatty after ordering drinks and a round of shots, -- it was great.

But there was something missing.

You tried not to think about it as you swirled your straw around your glass, filled with alcohol. "You look bored" You turned your head to face Elise. You pushed a soft chuckle pass your lips, shaking your head.

"Im not bored" You denied, because you weren't. You were just waiting and hoping that the pit of empitiness in your stomach would disapear so you could enjoy yourself. She frowned, "Come on, Lets go get shots" She said, offering her hand which you took gracefully.

As you walked over to the table where your coworkers were sitting at to find out if they also wanted another round of shots or not, Elise grew sidetracked, helping Chelsea out with the zipper of her dress that was breaking.

"Ill come with you" Ethan opted, making you smile gratefully as you thanked him. The two of you wandered through the bar, through the crowd of people before you finally reached the bar.

You and ethan made small talk as you waited for the bartender. When he finally came, Ethan ordered. A round of tequila shots. The bartender nodded, it was busy -- so he was doing everything fast. "I am not drinking tequila!!" You gasped as you looked at Ethan.

"Yeah you are" He smiled back.

The smile stayed on your face, "Tequila makes me sad" You said honestly. He pouted dramatically, although you can tell it was sarcastic. "Well we cant have that" He sighed just as dramatically, "I promise if you do get sad, we will make sure to cheer you up"

You smiled but couldn't help but doubt his words -- you knew what you'd get sad about, and you weren't sure anything he did would cheer you up from a sadness like that. The one you could feel in your whole body, every movement.

"Important night?" The bartender asked, as he poured the shots. You went to deny it, not wanting the attention but Ethan spoke before you could. "Yep" He said popping the P, "Pretty girl here got a promotion" He said, squeezing your shoulder softly.

You forced out a chuckle as the bartender congratulated you. Pretty girl was the nickname your coworkers had given you -- it was teasing at first and it started from Elise, but it kind of just stuck.

You got your shots and walked back through the bar holding the tray carefully, as you returned to the table you immediantly got a bad feeling in your stomach, something was off, something was wrong. You could see it in Elise's face as she looked at you.

"What?" You chuckled, furrowing your eyebrows as you placed the tray down on the table. She looked almost guilty, as she shook her head, brushing it off. "Nothing" She said, reaching out for a shot.

Your concern and confusion only grew. "What?" You asked again, there was obviously something wrong. You noticed Chelsea looking in a certain direction, the same direction Elise's eyes kept drifting over to.

Your eyebrows furrowed deeper as you turned your head to look in the direction they were, despite Elise' protests. You almost wish you listened. You felt your entire heart sink.

Your breath got caught in your throat as you locked eyes with him -- Spencer Reid. He was already looking at you when you turned your head. You stomach dropped so far you swore you could feel in in your pinky toe.

You heard your name, but you could hardly pull your eyes away from him. He looked good. So good it made your head spin in a million different directions at once. Hearing your name again you finally pulled your eyes away from his, turning your head to face Elise who had concern lacing her features.

"Oh- Gosh- Are you okay?" She rushed.

You felt like your chest had been stepped on. You didn't say anything, instead reaching for the shot glass that remained, and downing it instantly. "I need to get drunk." You muttered.

"Whos that?" Ethan asked, he wasn't quite as caught up in your love life as Elise and Chelsea were. Chelsea scoffed. "Her ex, He is an ass" She said, Elise was quick to nod in agreement. Frank stood minding his own business, but you knew he was listening, he was always listening.

"He's not" You defened, because he wasn't. If there was an ass in the breakup, it was you. You weren't sure what sucked more.

Before Chelsea or Elise could say anything you spoke first, "Can we go get more drinks-- and move closer to the bar, I think ill be going there a lot" You muttered, grabbing the boquet of flowers you had been given.

Everyone was quick to agree, taking their stuff before finding an empty table closer to the bar.

You did exactly as you thought you would -- 4 drinks later, you were a lot mor tipsy but nothing seemed to take the pressure off your chest or cool the heat that Spencer eyes left on you everytime you looked over to see him already looking.

When everyone was engrossed in coversation you excused yourself to the bar, feeling the need for another drink or ten. When you literally asked for the most alcoholic drink possible, the bartender laughed but agreed.

"Congraulations" You swore your heart dropped at the voice. Your hands froze in place and you could feel the sweat building on the back of your neck. You turned your head, finally facing him.

Your eyes ran over his features -- his hair had grown out, it looked good. You wanted to tell him that but you couldn't. "H-How do you.." You wondered how he knew about your promotion, you were sure it hadn't been posted anywhere.

He rolled his eyes, nudging his head towards the table where your coworkers sat, you turned you head to look at them, noticing Ethan's and Elise's eyes on you and Spencer. "Your boyfriend isn't exactly quiet." He muttered, there was something spiteful about the way he spoke.

You whipped your head around to face Spencer, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, before the realistion dawned on you -- He had heard Ethan tell the bartender about your promotion earlier. "He isn't my boyfriend--Why do you even care." You huffed.

Spencer scoffed quietly, "Yeah Im sure, The flowers and 'pretty girl' really prove that" His tone was laced with jealously. He was jealous. You shook your head as you pulled your eyes away from his face. "It's been a month" He muttered, quieter.

You frowned at the mention at how long it had been since the two of you broke up. "I am well aware of how long its been" You held back from calling him Spence, it was like muscle memory. "The flowers were from all of them" You defended, although there was no reason you needed to defend nor explain yourself to him. "And pretty girl- its a joke-- they all call me that." You muttered.

"I called you that."

His tone still held so much jealously but sounded so much sadder. It made your stomach clench on nothing but the alcohol you had consumed, you turned your head to face him before looking away again, unable to handle the way his expression pulled on your heartstrings.

"I know" You said just as quietly.

The bartender handed you your drink with an apology of how long it took -- you hadn't even noticed. Drink now in your hands yet you couldn't find it in yourself to move. You could smell Spencer's cologne and it was consuming your senses and making your mind fog.

Spencer ordered his own drink after the bartender asked, before he turned to look at you again. "I called." He said.

You wanted to cry-- you wanted to sink into the pit in your stomach and stay there forever. You felt yourself grow dizzy -- he made you dizzy. "I know" You said quietly, scared if you spoke any louder your voice would give out on you. it broke your heart to be standing here next to him, when he had no idea you loved him, when you had no idea if he ever loved you-- let alone if he still did.

He didn't say anything, you assumed it was because he didn't know what to say. He knew you were actively ignoring his calls-- What was there to say to that.

Spencer got handed his drink, he muttered a quiet thanks, but made no movement to leave his place next to you, you didn't either. Neither of you said anything. You felt as if your feet were glued in place -- although you weren't sure if you wanted to move either. It had been a month since you had seen him, and as much as it gutted you to think about, you didn't want to leave yet just incase this really was the last time.

"He isn't my boyfriend, he- he isn't anything more than a friend." You said again, although you didn't look at him, keeping your head down as you sipped your drink through your straw. You didn't need to push so hard for him to understand -- but the last thing you wanted was for Spencer to think you had moved on that quick, it almost offended you that he genuinely believed you did.

He opened his mouth to reply, but felt a hand on his back, cutting him off. He looked behind him to see Derek. "What's taking so long, Reid" He asked, a teasing smile on his face. You looked behind you at the sound of his voice, meeting his eyes his smile fell slightly as he realised what was taking Spencer so long.

"Hi derek" You pushed a smile to his lips - of course Spencer was here with his team, you should've realised that. They probably just got back from a case, which explained Spencer's business attire, but he wore that more often then not anyways.

"Hey!! How are you doing!" He smiled back, opening his arms to hug you gently. It was friendly a simple. You were close with a lot of Spencer's friends and team, being his plus one to everything for months. Penelope had reached out after you and Spencer broke up, but just like with Spencer you couldn't bring yourself to reply.

"Im okay, how are you?" You asked. You could feel Spencer's eyes on your face and it left a burning sensation where his eyes laid as you pulled away from Derek's hug. "Im good! We've missed you around shortcake" It was a nickname, because of a strawberry shortcake shirt you had worn one time when out with Spencer.

You just smiled in response. You missed them too, a lot. They were your friends, and you hated how you lost that and Spencer all at once, but they were his friends first. "I'll leave you guys be." You muttered, forcing a smile to your lips as you avoided Spencer's gaze, pushing off the bar.

Spencer said your name and it made your head spin, it felt so natural falling from his lips, like it belonged there. If you had to pick only one person to say your name for the rest of your life, it would be Spencer.

You kept walking none the less, holding your drink in your hand as you approached the table. You put it down gently as Chelsea and Elise were instantly at your side, asking what happened or if you were okay.

"I think Im going to go home" You muttered as you felt the all familiar tingle in the bridge of your nose, matching the lump in your throat and burn in the back of your eyes. It was too much.

"Do you want me to drive you?" Frank asked, the fatherily instincts coming into play when he noticed the look on your face -- there was no convincing you to stay. You just shook your head, "Im okay, Thank you" You muttered, as you began grabbing your stuff.

"I'll walk you out" Ethan offered, but you were quick to shake your head. You didn't need to look to know Spencer's eyes were on you from across the bar, the last thing you wanted was to only deepen his concern by leaving with Ethan. "I really just want to be alone." You said, pushing a half hearted smile to your lips, he frowned but nodded.

You said your goodbyes before pushing through the people in the bar towards the door. Once outside, it dawned on you how hot you were, the cold air giving your flushed cheeks a cooling sensation. You dragged your hand over your face as you tried to process what had just happened without bursting into tears.

You opened the uber app on your phone, wanting to get home to wallow in every emotion you had been pushing down for the last month. You should've known tonight was going to end badly.

"Theres been over 3,900 cases of sexual assult or physical violence from ubers"

You turned your head to see Spencer standing at the door to the bar, not far from you but not close. The street wasn't busy, it was dark and only lit by the streetlights.

"Thats less than one percent" You muttered, pulling your gaze away from him. "Who said I was getting an uber?" You asked, despite the fact that you were, it baffled you how he seemed to know everything all the time.

"You're alone, I cant see your car anywhere and the app is open on your phone" He said as if it was nothing. He was a profiler for godsake, of course he picked up on the tiniest things.

You sighed, closing your phone you placed it in your bag, "So what?" You asked, crossing your arms over your chest - now that the heat had somewhat worn off the cold air was leaving goosebumps over your arms.

"So, let me drive you home." He said.

Your eyes widened as you turned to look at him, shaking your head. "No. Its fine. I think I can handle less than one percent" You muttered, turning away from him again when the heat began rising to your cheeks again under his gaze.

You could hardly handle standing a foot away from him, you doubted you would be able to last a ten minute drive back to your house in the car next to him, you were sure the tension would suffocate you within seconds.

"Why do you do that" He asked taking a step closer to you. You were already resting with your back against the wall, there was no where for you to back away to even if you wanted to. You furrowed your eyebrows as you met his eyes, he looked sad.

"Do what?" You asked as your voice hitched, the pit in your stomach only deepening the more you looked at him, the closer he got the tighter your chest grew, the more he spoke the more your cheeks heated.

He sighed, "Push me away!" He raised his voice slightly, not in a way of anger but pure frustration. He was so frustrated.

"I don- We broke up Spencer" You reminded.

He rolled his eyes, "I know that. Trust me I know that." He muttered under his breath as he got closer to you. "You did it our entire relationship, pushed me away, held back, and then you broke up with me, why do you do that?" He said, brows furrowed as he genuinely tried to understand.

"You know why we broke up" You muttered quietly.

He threw his arms up in distress. "No- I really don't-" He said, before dragging his hand through his hair, only making it messy. You frowned, shaking your head as you reminded him. "We were both busy -- we hardly saw each other, our heads were in different places" your voice raised to the same level as his

"My head was with you!" He shook his head, "My head was always with you!" He sighed, he wasn't shouting, not really, but it was loud enough to match your level.

Your lips parted but you didn't have anything to say. Your head was spinning at the intensity of the coversation, at him -- so close, his cologne and after shave making your stomach feel sickly.

"I thought-" You ran your hand over your face as tears brimmed your eyes.

"You thought, you didn't ask me-- you just- broke up with me" He was shouting now. You genuinely thought your heart had fallen out of your chest. "You pushed me away, and then left like it meant nothing, like it all meant nothing." His voice was breaking with every word as his voice rasied

"It didn't- i didn't think it meant nothing" You were shouting too, and tears ran down your face -- you were unable to help it, each drop hotter and heavier than the last.

"Just be honest, I just- I just need you to be honest, please" He was on the verge of tears himself, and you hated it. You hated the way his voice was breaking, the way his hand was grabbing his shirt, pressing against his chest as if this conversation was bringing him physical pain-- like it was to you.

"You want me to be honest?" You asked, you were now the one stepping closer to him, you were the one shouting -- not out of anger, but you couldn't better express the way this conversation was all consuming every part of your body, your mind, your stomach, your chest.

"I love you Spencer" Your voice cracked as the words came out, "I love you so much, it hurts. It physically hurts when you are gone, when I was spending everyday worrying you weren't going to come home, I love you so much that I thought me worrying about you was unfair because you love what you do, and I was constantly in the way of that. I love you so much that i thought if i broke up with you, you'd be happier -- I thought the how much I loved you would stop hurting." you were practiclly sobbing, you would have been embarassed if you mind was able to focus on anything other than the boy in front of you.

"It didn't, its actually gotten worse because everyday I wake up and your not there, and I still worry about you just as much -- more, i worry about you more. Everyday I wake up and im completely heartbroken. God everyday I wake up and Im still inlove with you, " You continued on your tangent, "I love you so much Spencer"

You didn't even have time to breath before you felt cold hands on either side of your face and the feeling of his lips on yours, you could taste the alcohol on his lips. It was familiar and safe and warm. Your hands found their way to his face, pulling him in closer to you. The kiss was messy and passionate and everything you had missed so much, it was the sort of kiss that made every thought in your brain disapear, it made your knees feel weak and your toes curl in your way to uncomfortable shoes.

You tried to pull away but his lips chased yours, bring you back into him and you didn't make any movement, only kissing him back until you ran out of air, feeling lightheaded. You stepped out of his grasp as you tried to regain balance.

"Ill teach, its not an issue i've wanted to teach, god ill stop working all together if it means you'll come back" He said out of breath, eyes never leaving yours. You opened your mouth but he cut you off. "I love you, I've loved you since the day that I met you." he was huffing out words as he stepped back closer to you, invading your space and you couldn't complain.

"I don't- I don't want you to have to do that, you love working." you said breathlessly, shaking your head. You didn't want your relationship to mean him stop doing what he loved.

"I want you" He said, voice cracking. "I love my job but I love you." He said it like he couldn't get enough of finally saying it. "I'll work it out so you can come everytime we have a case, please I love you" He was begging.

"What does this mean Spence" You said, heart beating out of your chest. He just shook his head. "Who cares! I love you, You love me. I will do anything, just.. stay - let me stay." He said, grabbing your hand.

"I love you" You repeated.

"I love you" He said back.

"Where do we go from here?" You ask, looking up at him with squinted eyes, you were sure your makeup was a mess, and you looked horrible but there was so much love and hope in Spencer's eyes you couldn't find it in yourself to care.

"Let me drive you home." He said. You knew that meant it was the beggining. You knew he meant that he didn't know but he wanted to try. He was begging and there was no way you were going to let him go again.

"Okay."

[shaisuki]

some efforts

FEATURING. GOJO SATORU & GETO SUGURU

CONTENT WARNINGS. mentions of past abuse.

NOTES. got sidetracked by requests and i didn't really put up with this chap. apologies. i swear i only update when someone asks if i'm still continuing this fic.

SYNOPSIS. the awaited date and some memories ruins it for you.

chapters one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven | twelve

the bistro was filled with numerous chatters. coming from patrons and customers alike. conversations over good food and the small laughter coming from them. surrounded by the warm glow of the lights like sun rays but more subdued. hitting the wooden interior with its soft light. creating a more laid-back atmosphere where everyone can wine and dine.

you were still on guard. geto sees how you scanned the room more than twice. avoiding eye contact at him and twiddling your fingers in the smallest of manner. he knows you were still wary of him. a bully or a former bully. it sets a bitter taste to his tongue. the knowledge of being one of your tormentors and realizing it later in life how he deeply regretted for hurting you.

he's not his former self anymore. he tells to himself. this date where you reluctantly accepted after many times of convincing you. saying that he'll make up all the years of the misery he caused. proving to you that he's no longer that person who causes you tears and pain but is it when he sees you. sitting across from each other with your gaze who couldn't even look at him and your withdrawn hands not making it nearer to where his rests.

“look at me.” there's tinge of authority in his voice but gentle when he spoke to you. it was like coaxing you to go outside of your box. “can't we unless talk?” rich coming from him who can make you say the filthiest of words while he used to torment you.

“i guess.” you briefly muttered. gathering every nerve to your body to look at him and you die a little bit inside how similar his eyes to his. a complete copy of him but you shake the thoughts. it was just you and him. “thank you for taking me out here.” your eyes briefly landing at the small frame pinned at the door.

a bit distracted and intimidated. gripping your cup filled with tea to prevent from squirming to much. it's not like everyday your former bully would invite least asks you for date. you were reluctant of course but geto is persistent to get what he wants and it earned you.

he picks good. the place didn't scream high-end or some posh place that their menus didn't have a price and the bill ending up as a month's worth of salary.

a ghost of a smile etched in his face at your response. there it is. what he has been waiting for. geto can't help but to admire you. the same round face that used to look at him. there's the softness in it and something new. perhaps determination? he can guess but nonetheless it isn't the time to guess what you're made of now. you've changed just like he is.

before any of you can continue, the waiter arrived with the food you both ordered. placing the plates in front of you and bids you both to have a nice meal.

you began to eat. taking a spoonful of the food and chewing softly. surprised that you managed to work an appetite despite how guarded you feel around him. “you and gojo fucked me up, literally and metaphorically.” you paused in between bites before continuing. “but you two never made me feel bad about eating. i'm kind of glad for that.”

shrugging as you placed your utensils down. taking sip of your beverage. your relationship with food was kind of rocky around in the edges. you never ate in public. afraid of the stares and judgement that strangers give to you when eating and never in front of someone. let alone as cruel as gojo and geto. surprisingly they never made you feel bad about it and encouraged you to eat with them when they're particularly in a good mood. often going as far hand feeding you.

you didn't beat around the bush and geto applauded you for that. it often got you in trouble when you talked back and defy them when you won't do a particular thing they want you to. they were such an asshole to you. “you look happy when you eat. simple gestures like that is hard to come by.”

pouring the creamer in his cup of coffee and adding two sugar cubes. geto stirs it with a spoon. he finds you looking at it. his large hand dwarfing the cup and it was like a teacup rather than a coffee cup.

“is it?” pausing and trying to sink in what he said. somehow your lips curved into a smile. it was rather a pained one. “and you, gojo would take pleasure in hurting me afterwards.” now, you killed the mood. the food gone bland in your mouth. feeling like your eating nails. the memories came flooding and it just made you ache in places. a phantom pain.

putting down your utensils down. your appetite's lost. everything's heavy now just like it was in the first time.

geto freezes at your words. it was like a punch in his gut. you were still stuck at that time but you never made it seem like it affected you and you were doing it just to make thing seems right. for his own comfort.

a pang of guilt hits in his chest. seeing you hung your head low and blinking back the tears threatening to fall from your eyes. he hears you mutter an apology.

he stands up. grabbing the back of his chair and placing it besides you. “hey, it's fine. it was never your fault.” he says, holding your cheek in his hand and forcing you to look at him. “it's been years, sugu. why does it still hurt?” you asked him. peering through your blurred vision of tears pooling at the corner of your eyes. you could have pushed him. recoiled at his touch and when you leaned in. giving up to his touch — you asked yourself why? and you understand it. why some people come back even though they were hurt by the same person and you weren't any different from them cause the best comfort will always come to the one who had hurt you the most.

a stray tear rolls down your cheek. suguru was quick to wipe it with his thumb gentle. cradling your face in his one hand. he looks at you and there wasn't any emotion shown in his face except for the conflicting emotions inside him. pain? guilt? and new emotions he never felt mixes with it and the more he stays with you, the more he feels all of it.

geto wasn't anything remorseful for what he had done. he and gojo had their fun playing around with you and what happened after that night — you disappearing without a trace and shoko's warnings that they shouldn't interfere with your life anymore despite the circumstances that you were working for both of them.

he did fucked you up and reduced you to this mess. the younger him would relish over it but seeing your tear-stained face. he felt worst. everything since you came back is forced. always driving you to a corner and if he really wants to build his relationship with you again. he have to change and he's willing to make it.

the weather's warm. with the slight breeze of wind sweeping throughout the park. the scent of the sakura blossoms wafts in the open air. after that little breakdown of yours earlier. geto decided that you need a breath of fresh air and the park is where he took you.

both of you remained silent. you in the most part. embarrassed at the sudden burst of emotions and thinking that you ruined the supposed date. “i'm sorry.” you softly muttered. glancing at the man besides you.

strands of his hair danced along the rhythm of the wind. he only hums. slowly inching his hands towards you. holding your hands in his. “don't apologize.” reveling in the softness of your hands in his and suguru's mind drifts for a minute. marveling at the sight of your hand in his. if things were just normal and he pursued you in a much kinder approach — is this how you two will be? except for the part where he's the reason why you suffered at his hands.

“i shouldn't have said that.” meeting his gaze and you suddenly felt bothered. “you were making it up to me and i ruined it.” blinking and biting your lower lip in guilt. you should have never brought it up.

geto sighs. he swipes his thumb in your knuckles. the gesture sweet and intimate with gentleness in their touch. “you didn't ruin it. i should thank you for accepting that date. it was pleasant to talk to you about things.....” his words trailed off. referring to what happened three years ago.

you only nod.

“can we start again?” your former bully eyes widened at your suggestion. “no talks of the past and all? just us two adults as friends?” and you have that effect on him. geto isn't easily swayed. it was the opposite he's the one that should be doing this and here you are.

there is no need to know what was his answer. it was a yes. without hesitation.

it was hard to tear his gaze off away from you. despite the earlier dilemma of your sudden outburst everything was going fine after that. you were just eating but why do you look so alluring. your cheeks puffing up in a manner while you ate.

“is something the matter, sugu?” pausing to glance at him and he reached to wipe the cream in the corner of your lip before licking it off with his tongue. your face burns in embarrassment at what he had done before looking away. clutching the hem of your sweater and ignoring the sudden rise of your heartbeat. face warming at the gesture.

geto chuckles at your reaction. his eyes narrowing and his pupils dilating. it is known that there is still the attraction lingering in your body after all the years you're away from them. too used to their touch that your own responds without the will coming from you.

it's going to be sweeter this time pursuing you.

gojo was running impatient.

he has been waiting all day. wondering what happened to the date suguru had scored with you and he did get the full detail of it. geto smirks triumphantly in front of him and gojo felt an annoyance towards him.

“she won't even glance at me, suguru.” he sighs exasperated. running his hand in his hair out of frustration.

“she knows you're in a committed relationship. you're engaged and to sayuri. don't compare (y/n) to your ex-flings and sayuri. she won't do anything that would jeopardize a relationship because of her.” geto explains. he knows all of it. girls didn't care about the others when they really liked someone and when he got the gist of you working under satoru. he quite abandoned the thought of other women. fully commiting to you. trying to get back to your life and make you his.

gojo scoffs. “what's your plan, suguru?” his blue eyes glinting behind his glasses. there's been change of plans. he's not going to woo you anymore. he's going to pursue you.

“nothing really.” he lied. “i know (y/n)'s going to give in to me. anytime if i played my cards right. you should know we're not the only men in her life. we don't know what really happened to her life the last three years.” he didn't lie on that part. geto knows someone in your life is trying to also pursue you. one that you owed deeply.

his friend remained silent. taking a long sigh before going back to his desk. he can hear the cogs running in his brain right now. he's out of it and he just can focus to you and only you. he didn't need to drag his ass to gojo even it was planned from the start that they would have you.

guess he's not sharing you to him.

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[drconstellation]

A Tale of Two Peacocks

The Relationship Between Gabriel and Michael

Some weeks ago I said I would take on the challenge of looking at the relationship between Gabriel and Michael, then I got sidetracked writing something else* - which is not always a bad thing. But I want to return to this because its too good not to do a post on it, and before I get too deeply involved in the other writing.

This is definitely going to involve some NSWF language - hey, I can't help this, its in the script - so the bulk of this is going to be below the cut. But the short of it is, they have a fairly low opinion of each other.

We need to go back to S1, where there is an interesting set of parallel scenes we should start our discussion with that spells it out for us. The first one is in S1xE2, and the other is actually in one of the deleted scenes from the cold opening of S1xE3, and they both use parallel characters to inform us of what Gabriel and Michael think of each other.

It turns out I've already talked about the first one, in this meta here, where I discuss how Newt is a parallel for Crowley.

Then [Frobisher] power-walks past. Newt is not even worth her time stopping for. "Need a hand, Dick?" *Snort* - and ouch. That's a below-the belt joke. She's just called him a wanker. In the US you might use the term jerk instead. Someone who's a bit egotistical and more in it for themselves than others. (and I never thought I'd be fact-checking the meaning of this word ever, but there's always a first time...) She's basically just equated him Gabriel, in my book (and in more ways than one.)

And I wrote all that months before I started writing my Crowley-Gabriel parallel/foil series, too.

The other thing about this first parallel scene is the character of Frobisher, who is dressed very much like a demon, but is actually the parallel character to Michael, as we see later on in the paintball fight at Tadfield Manor.

(Er, I know this is all a bit 2nd/3rd hand evidence, but the second scene is a bit more direct, so bear with me.)

The second one, in S2xE3, is the deleted bookshop opening scene.

Source: Script for the unaired scene of Aziraphale opening his bookshop in 1800

Oh, look at that. Somebody is being called a wanker. Again. This time it's Crowley calling Michael a wanker, however, and its only one step to the side with Crowley being a parallel character to Gabriel (and I challenge you to watch s1 again in this light after finishing this post, and see how many similarities you can see between Crowley and Gabriel showing through even back then.)

OK. So we've established that Gabriel and Michael both think each other are wankers at this point, but what else can we find out about them?

Peacock Fighting

I've written a couple of posts about peacock symbolism. Firstly, Michael is strongly associated with having many eyes - their Ophanim ring, their costume has eye motifs, and they are essentially head of surveillance for Heaven. So this made me think they might be the peacock referred to in the Job minisode.

But later, after more research, it became apparent the lines paraphrased in Job were definitely referring to Gabriel. (See also Judgement Day.) There are associations with both royalty and vanity there.

They are both peacocks, but for different reasons.

And they are also both in competition with one another.

Gabriel Doesn't Have A Desk

Desks are a symbol of power in western society.

The bigger, and more solid the desk in a corporate office, the higher up the person is.

The teacher at the front of the room, the authority in the room, has a bigger desk than the students.

Those desks offer protection to the person in authority sitting behind them. They mark a separation between that said authority and the masses they command on the other side. Only the most trusted get to come around to the same side that they are sitting on to be more intimate with them.

At work, your desk is connected to your identity there. Its your place in the organization. You may even individualize it with decorations.

Just take a look at what Newt was bringing on his first day to work in S1xE2:

Pens, a pen holder, notepads, a ball of rubber bands, a plant (a bromeliad, a plant that does well in fully shaded damp environments, just like Hell) and some rations. Er, I mean lunch. Given to him by God Frances his mother.

The travesty of the modern trend of "hot desking" is de-personalizing the employee. They are no longer a valued employee with a valued place, they're just another faceless cog in the grind.

We see Michael behind a desk as Duty Officer in S2. It's starkly clean and sharp and made of glass, as we would expect to find in Heaven. It's used a shield and badge of office when we see them fulfilling that role.

Michael doubts Gabriel has a desk, although Gabriel insists he does, even though we have never seen it. Yet he still requires the proverbial archive box for moving locations?

I'm just going to leave the parallel between Newt and Gabriel there for further discussion. Please do remember the bottom falls out of Newt's box in the car park, leaving him with an empty box, too.

(Muriel has a glass desk, too, but interestingly they don't have a chair. You might like to compare their encounter with Aziraphale in the Job minisode to the escapade with Crowley in the present day. There is volumes said without words.)

Just while we are on the subject of desks, thought you might like to compare Crowley's and Aziraphale's desks as well. They are always on about how much paperwork they have to do!

Sovereign versus Disciplinary Power

This is eventually going to turn into a discussion about fate versus free will at some point, but I do need to talk about the different types of power first, because I haven't done my long promised Power and Authority meta yet. The two concepts are closely related, and Gabriel and Michael are each acting as foils for a side of the concepts.

Gabriel represents sovereign power, the supreme legitimate power of the state. Power and action trickles down from the top, and punishment is almost a show of entertainment, but one designed to educate. "Oh, those angels Fell - if I do something bad, I might Fall, too!" And so Gabriel expects to Fall when he is given his trial, and Aziraphale when he lies to save Job's children.

Michael is representing disciplinary power, something that lies at the heart of society today. This is where power is spread among individuals, and individuals are more likely to do their own discipline merely because of an overhanging threat of a possibility they may get caught if they do.** Are they being watched? Who might see and report their transgression? Michael has eyes (and ducks) everywhere... So does Orwell's book 1984.

This is a very simplistic view, of course - reality is more complex than that, and is usually a combination of the two, but we have to start somewhere.

Now lets throw the fate vs free will components into the mix. Let us revisit the story of King Cnut and the tide.

The story, if you are not familiar with it, is that Cnut had his throne set on the beach and commanded the incoming tide to halt where it was, and not to wet his robes or feet. Of course, the tide kept rising and splashed the king, where he leapt up and declared his might and power as a king worthless compared to that of God. The story is meant to demonstrate his piety before Heaven, and that he was not the ultimate controller of all things - his sovereign power was limited.

They say time and tide*** wait for no man - we are at the mercy of what ever fate they bring us, and we can't manipulate that. That's decided by the supreme power, the ultimate sovereign power, so to speak.

Gabriel tends to take this line - he does not have control over the summoning of the Four Horsepeople, they are just happening as they supposed to, and that's not his department. Plausible deniability, baby! Back channels? What back channels, Michael?

So if you did want to have some power over it, some free will to control outcomes? But hang on - every one else has free will as well. Sounds a bit chaotic. Who's in charge? Nobody. Everybody. Welcome to Michael's world. They want the power, they're prepared to fight for it, for what they think is right - but so is everyone else.

But what if you were the creator of free will itself? Would you be The One to have control over time and the tides?

Tadfield Manor, Again

Michael is the archangel who throws Lucifer down from Heaven, and we see this play out at Tadfield Manor during the paintball fight, when we are shown that it is actually Frobisher/Michael who shoots the shot that hits Norman/Lucifer in the heart - although we are initially made to think its Nigel/Gabriel who did it. (One day I will teach my self how to make GIFs and make a GIF of this.)

Frobisher is the more competitive one at all times - she is the only other employee besides the naive Newt to put their hand up when Nigel asks who is looking forward to the Training Initiative and she asks Crowley and Aziraphale "Who's winning?" as she runs past them inside - to which Crowley presciently declares "You're all going to lose."

If you look at the extended scene in light of the above, you can see sovereign authority of senior manager Nigel/Gabriel is still floating around as a rather toothless tiger to the whims of fate, while everyone else is exercising their free will and disciplinary powers to try and control one another. And, as Crowley says, nobody wins. It's a lose-lose situation.

Michael is competing for an empty dream.

Gabriel is trying his best to survive something that is not what it seems.

And...I think I'll leave it there. Thanks for reading.

*I've started writing a multi-chapter human AU fanfic. But I'm a slow writer, and I'm not writing it in a linear fashion - because it has to be stuffed full of meta, of course - so I decided I better pull myself out of it before I got pulled in too far and finish a couple of things off so you didn't think I'd disappeared completely. I wasn't planning on doing one, but you know how these things go - one day an idea just pops into your head, the next thing the characters are talking to you and taking on their own life and a couple of thousand words later...

**There was a post about the oculus, (found it! thanks to gallup24) the round skylight window in the roof of the bookshop and the Panopticon, an infamous prison design where the prisoners can all see each other but can't see if the guard is watching them, but of course I've lost track of it, haven't I.

***The tides are controlled by the Moon and Sun, and ostensibly for this argument, by Heaven as well. They are fated to continue in their set orbit and/or path through the sky - or the Earth on it's orbit around the Sun, is probably the better way of looking at it.

[amethystfairy1]

Okay, but can we talk about how *poetic* it is that Whumptober ended with Grian and Scar making amends?

Like, you have to remember that Traveling Thieves started because of Whumptober last year- a silly little prompt that spirled into a silly little (Big. Very big.) Au.

TT started with Grian, Scar, and Mumbo's story beginning. And now, having whumptober end with what feels like an actual ending itself- not a goodbye, but rather a "See You Later"- almost a season finale esque "ending" specifically for Grian & Scar & Mumbo's story is. Well, I mean it's just fucking peak idk what else to say.

Breaking mindsets, relapsing, trusting for the first time in at least seven years, only for everything to crumple in a few HOURS. quite LITERALLY EVERYTHING. In probably not EVEN an hour. For everything to be so tense for the past couple months our time.. and weeks their time.. all build-up for this specific moment. This moment that means so much more to these characters than I think most people realize. This is genuinely heart-breaking in the best way possible.

I'm getting a little off track here opps- but my point is to having whumptober end not only with the conclusion of a major plot point in the story, but also one that means so much in so many different ways, is genuinely one of the best things I've seen seen in a long time. Whether it was intentional or not.

I definitely got sidetracked and lost some of my initial points, but, I regret nothing. Whumptober (im starting to feel like a broken record lol) was amazing, I will actually never be the same, this has changed me forever. Congratulations to finishing on time as well!! And congrats to on working with KhoirKid!!! This was amazing, but I think I need to stop talking before I never stop lol! <3

Oh my STARS Thank you for this! I love all of this and how you've read into it, it makes me SOOOO happy when people do this with my stories! There's themes! There's PARALLELS! And there's so much build up and work and that people have been enjoying all of that just makes me so so so so happy! Thank you so much for sharing how you feel about the ending to Whumptober! I absolutely love it!

[berrywantsakiss]

Cyrus Oak

★ because the people love him ★

Cyrus is probably my all-time fav oc, and the most popular amongst any fanbase / set of followers I've ever had.

here's some info on the world he's from →

https://www.tumblr.com/berrywantsakiss/770031758960902144/the-realmsau?source=share

here's some fanart of him I've received (ask and I'll direct you to the artists !!)

his age tends to fluctuate between like 17 - 32 (huge gap, ik !!!)

this is roughly how he looks when he's 26-32 ↓

vs 17 - 19

he was the eldest flower princess's guard in training, seeing as he was the son of her (at the time) current one, Makya. the princess's name is Daisy Mae.

Cyrus and Mae became best friends when Cyrus was 7 and she was 6, they met in the castle courtyard where Mae's stubborn ass was skipping her dance classes.

Makya and Cyrus decided theyd teach her how to fight instead.

about a decade later, Cyrus proposes to Mae, despite NOT ASKING HER FATHER, KING ZENITH, FIRST !!!!!! she accepts his proposal, and as does the King, who very highly regards Cyrus and even treats him as his own son (the whole royal family loves Cyrus).

this is what 15 year old Mae and 16 year old Cyrus look like ↓

they're close ofc, like I said, everyone loves Cyrus (this art is ANCIENT... like when he was still in development ancient...)

oh yea, bonus sidetrack, heres Cyrus' initial design ↓

shudder.

anyway, when Cyrus is 18, he's sent away to kill King Louis unbeknownst to the Royals. he's sent by the General and his brother, the head of the Council. they threaten to harm him and his family if he doesn't go, doesn't kill the Spice King, or tells the Royals or anyone at all.

he bumps into the Empress, Nadia, on the way to the Spice Realm.

here's Nadia ↓

link to her info →

https://www.tumblr.com/berrywantsakiss/770035288519180288/empress-nadia?source=share

she ends up helping him to NOT have to kill the King. She sends him off to kill Louis, but with like,,, a placebo of the poison the general gave him ??? I don't fully know yet.

anyway, when Cyrus returns to the motel or whatever he's staying at that Nadia got him, Nadia stabs him in the throat, killing him.

WHATT ?? WHATTTTTT ????? INSANE !!!!!!

Nadia is a necromancer !!! she brings him back after the Flower Royals perceive him as dead and hold a funeral for him.

He stays in the Spice Realm from then on, tending a bar as his job. he also gets addicted to opium when he's about 24.

when he's around 23, he "falls in love" with Nadia.

they like, want to marry, but can't seeing as Mae became Queen when she was 19, the Empress is obviously very big in the media, and Mae WILL crash out if she finds out Cyrus is still alive and taken by Nadia.

Mae herself was forcibly married to this douce ↓

when Mae was like 22, Bevan was executed for conspiring treason. (he wanted to kill Mae).

anyway, Mae gets a lead on Cyrus after her second husband, Oberon, is assassinated. she gets this lead from Elias, Louis' older brother.

Mae finds Cyrus and is like "MARRY ME LIKE YOU WANTED TO BACK THEN !!!"

so he accepts, abandoning Nadia whom he DIDNT KNOW WAS PREGNANT.

he stays in the Flower Realm for a month, waiting for his wedding, and becomes really close friends with Delia, the Sugar Princess.

I hate this drawing lmao

on Mae and Cyrus' wedding day, this little bit happens ↓

so then Delia tells Cyrus to tell Mae he doesn't want to marry her and get over it pretty much.

so he heads over to the bridal suite to tell her, and sees THIS MF, THE MF HE HAD TO FIGHT TO TRY AND KILL KING LOUIS A DECADE AGO, IN MAES ROOM LIKE THIS

this is Stefan, my best friend's oc. he is Louis' royal guard or smth.

here's what Mae and Cyrus were wearing btw

so Cyrus just turns around and marches right out of the castle. Delia tells him to go to this guy August's farm back in the Spice Realm, and he does.

so yea, now Cyrus lives with my best friend's oc August on a farm.

here's august

oh yea they fall in love !!!! Mae scared him gay !!!! (/j, Cyrus is canon bisexual)

thx for reading !!!

[kimbappykidding]

Part One Here

Baekhyun had known your members for years and through you got to hear more about them and he decided Nayeon would be the best person for his scheme. Jihyo, Jeongyeon and Sana would likely tell you right away. Mina, Tyuzu and Momo might not know how to discreetly ask you if they didn't know the answer. Chayoung and Dahyun were wild cards and so that left Nayeon as the safest option but how to approach her? Baekhyun figured some award show after-party would be his best bet. There would be tons of people and he could surely get Nayeon alone...easier said than done when she had so many members. Whenever she went to the bar or the toilet someone went with her and Baekhyun thought he might not have a chance to talk to her...when Tzuyu who was guarding the table with Nayeon walked away leaving her alone. Baekhyun made a quick excuse to Lay about the bathroom and appeared beside her. "Hi!" he said sitting down next to her and Nayeon jumped "hi". "So we might not have much time so I'll just come out with it. Please don't tell Y/n but Suho is really enjoying being back with her and we've all been wondering if it will develop into more". Nayeon nodded "we've been thinking the exact same!". Baekhyun nodded "have you asked Y/n? What did she say?". Nayeon paused, unsure if you just tell Baekhyun and he smiled at her "I'm only asking because Suho wants it to be more but he's scared to ask Y/n in case she doesn't want to be and it ruins their relationship". He hoped telling Nayeon this would be a show of good faith and it worked. Nayeon looked down "we have asked Y/n but ages ago and she said they didn't work out dating last time so why would it work out this time?". Baekhyun was shocked and upset on behalf of Suho but Nayeon continued "however the girls pointed out that was ages ago when they were different people. Plus they never had this amazing chemistry and passion, so we told her it might be different now". "What did she say?" Baekhyun asked and Nayeon sighed "not much but she didn't disagree with our points...but like I said that was a few months ago so there's a chance she's changed her mind". "Do you think you could ask her?" Baekhyun asked "if you tell me that she has changed her mind then I can encourage Suho to ask her out! I just need to know Y/n won't break his heart". "Y/n would never be mean" Nayeon argued and Baekhyun nodded "I know but he's really fallen for her so if he worked up the courage to ask her and she said no it'd be hard for him. If she says no I won't tell him but we'll stop suggesting it to him and setting him up to fail". Nayeon nodded "okay, I'll speak to Y/n and text you?". "Yes, here's my number!" Baekhyun said handing her a slip of paper he'd already prepared. Nayeon nodded "okay I'll let you know as soon as I know" and with a wave she walked away.

Baekhyun didn't hear back for a whole week and the suspense was killing him. He'd drafted a message asking Nayeon if she'd asked you yet like 10 times before he stopped not wanting to be pushy. Nayeon was well aware Baekhyun was waiting for a reply but honestly there hadn't been any good time! You'd all been really busy with schedules and Nayeon hadn't got to be alone with you in ages. She knew if she just blurted it out to you, you’d immediately know something was up so she had to bide her time.Then one evening you were staying in and your roommate Jihyo was heading out. So Nayeon appeared at your door with a big smile. "What's going on?" you asked, clearly suspicious and Nayeon did her best to play it cool. "Nothing just we've hardly spoken all week and I missed you, fancy a catch-up?". "Of course!" you said welcoming her in and Nayeon flopped onto your bed with you. "Okay so what's new? How's your dating doing?". Nayeon quickly got roped into telling you the date she'd been on a few days ago and half an hour later she realised she'd gotten sidetracked. "Now enough about me, how are you? How's Suho?" Nayeon asked. You smiled at the mention of his name and nodded "he's good! He's back home this week because it's his brother's birthday". Nayeon nodded "cute, he's a good brother". You nodded "yeah he's so nice" and she smiled "and still hot?". You blushed nodding and Nayeon giggled "it's so nice that his niceness doesn't cancel that out". "If anything it makes it stronger" you explained "I see him being so kind and sweet and that makes me attracted to him and then he takes his shirt off and I want him even more". Nayeon laughed "that totally makes sense, nice guys are so hot" and you nodded. "So things are good between you?" Nayeon asked and you nodded "really good". Nayeon took a breath before going for the million-pound question "good enough for you to consider going official?". You paused and were quiet for a few seconds "I'm not sure". "Are you still worried about if you'd make it as a couple?" Nayeon asked. You nodded "yeah... it's difficult because I know we've changed but I'm happy now so why change it?". Nayeon paused "well I guess there's no reason to...except the security side of things". "Security side?" you asked and Nayeon nodded "yeah just if you're not exclusive Suho's allowed to sleep with other girls right?". You paused "I guess...". "Would you be okay with that?". The thought honestly hadn't occurred to you but now it did you knew the answer "no". Nayeon frowned "yeah I’d be the same...but I also agree with you, you should only date Suho if you want to be his girlfriend not just because you don't want someone else to be". You frowned "see that sounds nice, being Suho's girlfriend". Nayeon smiled "it does?" and you nodded "I'm just worried about all the expectation it brings with it! We already broke up once so there's added pressure for things to succeed this time and that's a lot to think about. Whereas at the moment there's none of that". "Who would put this pressure on you?" Nayeon asked "because you know none of us would think badly of you if you broke up. People break up all the time and breaking up is actually an incredibly mature thing to do. It's you showing you know when to call it a day and saving each other any hurt or pain. There's no shame in it". You nodded "I guess the pressure would come from me...and I don't want to hurt Suho, I'd hate myself if I hurt him". Nayeon took your hand "don't worry we all know you don't want to hurt him and Suho knows that". You nodded feeling teary and Nayeon squeezed your hand "plus I think you make Suho really happy so there's no need to worry about that. In a relationship or not he's smitten with you so you definitely make him happy". You blushed "thanks Nayeon" and she smiled "no problem" hugging you "wanna watch a movie?" and you nodded. Nayeon felt like she was low-key betraying you but she texted Baekhyun telling him you wanted to date Suho but were scared of the pressure increasing and of hurting Suho. Baekhyun thought you were so sweet and found it so telling how your main concern was hurting Suho. He thought that more than anything was why the two of you should be together. If you cared about someone that much you should give it a go but now he had to convince Suho of that. He told Nayeon he would encourage Suho delicately and she asked him to let her know if he needed her to do anything more. Mission infiltrate your group was a resounding success. Baekhyun was a lot less subtle than Nayeon when he appraoched Suho. "So have you thought any more about asking Y/n out?" Baekhyun asked him one afternoon. Everyone paused confused where the topic had come from and Suho blushed "no...why?". "I just think you should" Baekhyun said with a smile "that's all". Suho shook his head "I have no idea if Y/n wants that". "I think she would" Baekhyun said "if you just explain to her that second time's the charm and reassure her there's no pressure I'm sure she'd be on board". Suho didn't speak anymore on the topic but Baekhyun's words did stick with him and he thought about them every time he saw you. He decided he'd just have to go for it and was going to ask you after today's award show. You looked beautiful and Suho told you so as soon as he could at the afterparty. You blushed "you look good yourself". Suho smiled and went to reply when someone knocked into Suho. It was Red Velvet's Irene and she rushed to apologise and insisted on buying Suho a drink. You'd noticed Irene paying more attention to Suho recently and wondered if you weren't the only one who'd noted Suho's hotness. As you saw the two of the talking an idea occurred to you. Irene seemed into Suho and Suho's admiration of Irene was well known. Maybe they'd like to hook up too and you decided to let them because Nayeon's words had hit home but in an unexpected way. You realised it was wrong to gatekeep Suho and were searching for a way to tell him it was okay if he wanted to hook up with other girls. You couldn't have zero labels and also tell him what to do. You figured this was the best way to avoid hurting Suho, you weren't dating him so couldn't hurt him that way but were also setting him free by letting him know he didn't owe you anything. It was a win-win! So when he returned from the bar you smiled "you can go dance with Irene if you want" you said and Suho smiled at you "no it's fine". "Seriously" you smiled back at him "I know you've always had a thing for her so go. You don't owe me anything we're not together". Suho paused his smile vanishing "I know but I'm here with you...". "You're too nice" you laughed trying to play it cool "we're not a couple so go do whatever you want to do with Irene, that's the plus of not being official right? No restraints" you said shooting Suho a bright smile which you didn't truly feel. Suho meanwhile felt so shaken. It was totally within your right to not want to date him but to hear you say it was another thing. Suho felt really upset and he couldn't bring himself to smile. "Well if that's what you want" he said and you nodded "for you to be happy? Yeah" and so Suho walked away without another word.

Meanwhile Baekhyun and Nayeon were watching the two of you for any sign Suho had asked you to be official. They saw how tense the two of you were but mistook that for "telling someone you want to date them" tension not "telling the person you like to go hook up with a beautiful idol". "Oh they look serious!" Baekhyun said excitedly and Nayeon sat forward "he must be asking her! I hope he can convince her". "He can" Baekhyun said "plus Y/n wants to be with him! So I bet after he tells her there's no pressure that will be it. She'll collapse into his arms". Nayeon grinned excitedly and then paused seeing you smile "oh she's happy! He must've said it!". Baekhun paused because Suho still seemed really tense but you were indeed really smiley. Then Suho nodded and Baekhyun figured Nayeon was right...until he got up and walked right to Irene. "What is going on?" Nayeon asked. You watched Suho walk away and let out a shaky breath. You felt like you were going to burst into tears any second and wondered why. Shouldn't you feel good after doing the right thing? Suho approached Irene and you saw the girl smile brightly when she saw him. They looked so good together and Irene was the it girl of SM. It surely wouldn't be long before Suho switched from her to you but at least if he ended it with you instead of you hurting him, you wouldn't be able to hurt him. That was surely better but it didn't make you feel any better. "Hey are you okay?" Nayeon asked sitting down next to you and you nodded "yeah of course, are you?". She nodded not taking her eyes off you "what happened with Suho". You paused blinking "I...told him to go for it with Irene". Nayeon frowned "wait but why? You like him so why would you encourage him to get with another girl". You tried to explain it was for his own good but your words got muddled and before you knew it you were crying. Nayeon knew you wouldn't want Suho to see so she rushed you from the room to somewhere more private. Baekhyun saw you burst into tears and knew the conversation couldn't have gone well. Especially because Suho was definitely flirting with Irene and very successfully. Baekhyun was worried Suho was going to ruin whatever he had with you tonight so he quickly stepped in. "Hey Irene, Yeri was looking for you". "She was?" Irene asked leader mode kicking in "is she okay?". "I don't know but she said something about needing you and she seemed a little stressed". Irene frowned "I'll go see if I can find her thanks Baekhyun" and she rushed away. Suho knew Baekhyun was lying and turned to him "what was that for?". "What are you doing?" Baekhyun replied "why would you do this to Y/n?". Suho looked down "Y/n suggested it". "What!" Baekhyun cried and Suho sighed "she told me we're just casual and she likes that. She doesn't want a thing to change...except for me to hook up with other girls. I figured it must be because she's seeing other people and has only just realised I've not been. I feel like such an idiot" Suho said and Baekhyun went to tell him he must've got something wrong when Irene returned. "Yeri said she never asked me and none of the other girls did" looking at Baekhyun. Baekhyun paused "is she sure? Was it not her?". "Baekhyun what's going on?" Irene asked and Baekhyun turned to Suho "Hyung I really need to speak with you". Suho shook his head "stop messing around Baekhyun and leave us alone" and he put his arm around Irene and led her away. Suho and Irene danced for a while and flirted back and forth. They'd always been friendly but this was definitely something more and Irene had never looked at him the way she was tonight. Suho supposed he must be the luckiest guy in the world to have Irene look at him like that but he didn't feel happy on the inside no matter how smiley he was on the outside. All he could think of was you and how you didn't want him. They stopped dancing to grab a drink and Suho couldn't help but look around for you but you were nowhere to be seen. He wondered where you'd gone when Irene spoke "looking for someone?". "Of course not, who could look anywhere else when you're right in front of them?". Irene laughed "sure you weren't looking for Y/n?". Suho shook his head "no not at all, why would I?" replying far too quickly. "Are you and Y/n not a thing?" Irene asked "I'd heard you were back together". "We hook up but we're not together" Suho said "trust me that won't be an issue at all". "So she's okay with this?" Irene asked and Suho nodded "super okay". "And are you?" Irene asked and Suho froze. "What? Of course I'm okay with this! You're really pretty and I've always had a thing for you". Irene paused "are you sure? I saw you with Y/n earlier and you seem a little off sorts, did you argue or something?". Suho paused "I...not exactly". "Are you sure?" Irene asked "Suho we don't have to do anything if you're unsure. I don't like interfering with couples". "But we're not a couple and we never will be!" Suho said snapping and then he sighed saying it again slower "we're never going to be a couple again...I got my one shot with her and I blew it". Meanwhile outside Nayeon had finally calmed you down and understood the situation. "So you figured the only way you could still be with him and not hurt him was to let him date other people?" Nayeon asked and you nodded. "I figured I couldn't have him without sharing him so thought if I encouraged him to see other people then it wouldn't be so bad". "Y/n!" Nayeon said hugging you "I never said you were a bad person! I was just encouraging you to be open to dating Suho because he wants to ask you out!". "He does?" you asked and Nayeon paused "probably shouldn't have told you that". Suho felt like such a mess. Irene had been really nice to him and promised they could still be friends. She also told him to go and talk to you but Suho couldn't face any more rejection. So he was just heading home so he could dive head-first into bed when Chen and Kai approached him. "Hey is Y/n okay?" Chen asked and Suho paused "Y/n, I think so why?". "We saw her crying and wanted to make sure she was alright". "Crying? When?" Suho asked. They frowned "erm about an hour ago" Kai said and Chen nodded "it was after you two talked. Nayeon came over to her and she started crying". Suho felt so confused but he knew he had to make sure you were okay. "Did you see where she went?" he asked but they both shook their heads. Suho was looking around for you when he heard someone call his name. It was Baekhyun. "Can we talk now?" he asked and Suho shook his head "no where's Y/n? I need to talk to her". "I know where she is, we can talk on the way" Baekhyun said and he led Suho outside. "Nayeon what do you mean Suho wants to date me?" you asked and the girl sighed "okay don't hate me but Baekhyun told me Suho wanted to ask you to be his girlfriend but was worried you'd say no. Baekhyun didn't want Suho to get hurt so he asked me to see if you were open to dating Suho". "So that's what all those questions were the other day!" you said and Nayeon nodded "I'm so sorry but I just didn't want Suho to get hurt and Y/n I really think you'd be good together. You don't need to be this afraid". You sighed and went to argue when Suho stepped into the area where you were sat. Baekhyun had explained how Nayeon had asked you if you wanted to date and how they'd gotten in this mess. Suho was horrified and felt so bad. He couldn't believe he'd made you cry and no matter how much Baekhyun tried to comfort him he felt so guilty. Then Suho saw you, with your puffy red eyes and he froze. Seeing you so upset and knowing he was the cause was way worse actually seeing the evidence of it and he couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. You looked up and saw him and he realised he should probably move. "Suho?" you asked and he paused before coming towards you "Y/n I'm so sorry I made you cry! I only went after Irene because I thought you didn't want me and were trying to make me less clingy". "No I was trying to be nice and not leave you tied to me". "But I want to be tied to you" Suho said "in any way possible" and you blushed. "Okay so we're going to go" Baekhyun said gesturing to Nayeon and they rushed away leaving the two of you alone. Silence settled and Suho looked at you "can I sit down?" and you nodded. "So Baekhyun's told me some things Nayeon's said but I want to hear it from you... I'd like to date you Y/n but I understand you have some worries about that". You sighed "I just don't want to hurt you...what if it doesn't work and we've gone through all this for nothing?". "Well you could argue that with any relationship" Suho argued and you nodded "yeah but there's more pressure with us because we already broke up once before". Suho paused "well I don't think so, people get back together all the time! Chen and his wife broke up 3 times in their first year of dating and now look at them". "They did?" you asked and Suho nodded "people make mistakes Y/n but that's never a reason not to try, if you think you might be happy...". You paused "I just don't want to hurt you" and Suho took your hand "Y/n that is so sweet but you don't have to worry about that. I'm a big strong boy and even if we did break up I'd of course be upset but it'd be okay again eventually. So please don't worry about me. Just think of what you want because that's all I care about". You blushed "are you sure? You don't think I should be worried?". "I meant everything I said Y/n" and you nodded. "The I'd want to be your girlfriend" and Suho smiled "really?" and you nodded. Suho grinned "Y/n I will happily be your boyfriend" and he hugged you tightly. "You've made me so happy" Suho said and you smiled "I hope I always will". Suho pulled away and rested his hand on your chin "don't even worry about it, you do it naturally" and he kissed you. When you finally pulled away Suho sighed and bundled you against his chest "I'll never stop being grateful for the guys forcing me to show off my abs" Suho said and you laughed. "It wasn't just the abs that brought me back". Suho smiled "you sure?" and you melted at the way he was looking at you. "Okay I'll find some way to thank the guys too" making Suho smiled "I will also got to find some way to thank the guys but I'm hoping our methods will be very different" Suho said huskily and you swallowed "I hope so too". "Want to go try them out?" Suho asked "I've got a girlfriend to take care of". You nodded and both rushed to get back to Suho's. The next morning, you came downstairs together holding hands and the guys all noticed but didn't say anything. Baekhyun looked like he was dying to but D.O. had clearly threatened him or something because the boy was on his best behaviour. You felt bad for him so looked to Suho who smiled. "Just so you guys know my girlfriend might be over a lot more" and everyone froze. "Girlfriend?" Chanyeol asked and Suho nodded taking your hand "we're back together". The guys cheered and rushed to offer you their congratulations and Baekhyun claimed all the credit. "It was me who got them together you know?" he called loudly and you turned to him. "Yes that reminds me, you and Nayeon were scheming behind our backs weren't you". "Yeah...having those secret talks" Suho said putting a hand on his arm and Baekhyun froze "I...we only did it out of love and now look! The two of you are back together so you're welcome". You smiled "oh we'll find a way to thank you right Suho?". Suho nodded "definitely". Baekhyun paused looking between you two "I don't know if to be scared or turned on" making Suho lunge for him. Baekhyun screamed and ran around the house as Suho chased him. You watched amused until Lay gently touched your arm. "It's good to have you back Y/n". You smiled "good to be back".

[yellowjacketslesbian]

(Inspired by the last wedding ask) What do you imagine a Wilderness Wedding for Tai and Van looking like?

oh, I've actually thought about this A LOT!

I really think they'll get married the second summer around late S3. I think things will be a little bit better by then, they may not have a shelter, but at least they have food to forage and animals to hunt again. I think they'll have kind of resigned themselves to their fate, like rescue isn't coming anytime soon but maybe they can at least survive the next few months and they have each other, and they have the freedom to love each other openly out there that they don't believe they would have ever had back home.

I think the wilderness proposal started off playfully, and was almost accidental, the same way they fell in love.

they're out in the lake together late one summer night drawing on each other's backs, joking until they're not, when Van says it, mostly joking, almost her old self again, "you know, if we weren't like doomed or whatever, I probably would've asked you to marry me someday."

then of course, because Tai is Tai, she doesn't let it go, and is like, "only probably, huh?"

then van instantly takes the bait, "well, you would've had to get it legalized first once you were lawyer, lady."

and then after some more banter back and forth Taissa basically dares Van to ask her, "well, there aren't any laws stopping you out here, are there?"

of course Van beams, "you make a compelling case, Turner."

"and?"

"proposals are supposed to be a surprise..."

cut to a few days later and Taissa is already impatient that Van hasn't proposed yet so she takes matters into her own hands (because she's Tai) and makes them rings out on scrap metal from the plane and stones she forages. that night, after dinner, she pulls Van away from the group under the guise of stargazing and proposes and ofc Van says yes.

when they tell the others, Lottie believes it will be a good way to bring everyone together and immediately gets almost everyone on board with planning a wedding. (Nat is a bit reluctant at first because she thinks they should be using their time and energy for survival, but she ultimately caves since Van is her childhood best friend).

everyone pitches in to help decorate and they make berry wine for the occasion, just like with doomcoming. they set up a makeshift altar around the tree stump, with garland made from interwoven flowers overhead. taivan both wear their doomcoming outfits with Taissa wearing a flower crown as a veil to match Van's boutonniere.

their friends all sing the wedding march while Van beams at Taissa as she walks down the flower petal covered forest floor aisle, and maybe, this is why she was willing to kill to survive this with Tai, to have a future that even bleakly resembles this together.

of course, Lottie officiates the wedding and Taissa doesn't roll her eyes once when Lottie leads them all in a prayer to the wilderness for Van and Taissa's marriage.

they exchange heartfelt vows to stay together as long as they both live, truly believing the only thing that can separate them is their likely inevitable death - it's better that they don't know that they'll survive to break all their vows. (well, all except one - because they truly do still love each other, even during their decades apart).

sorry, I got a bit sidetracked with their wilderness proposal, first. also, apologies for any typos, I didn't proofread this at all. lol

[atherix]

What is the current year the fic is set in? I know it’s been 10,000 years since the last Warden appearance, but I’m assuming it’s some time after that for society to pick itself up enough to start counting years ago, and I’m curious how long that was. Is the year like 8217, or like 5742, or even as recent as 3108??

Also what’s the calendar like? Is it basically similar to Earth with 12 months of about 30 days each or like. Is it different??

And back to the years thing again - do we get to know how long ago/how long after the Warden was it when Grian and Jimmy (and Gem 👀👀) parted for the last time? I’m assuming it’s somewhere between 3000-7000 years ago/years after the Warden but I’m curious to hear if we get a more specific time frame.

Thanks so much!!

I need you to know I have a whole ramble on this in my drafts where I'm trying to figure everything out. I shot myself in the foot by making everything super vague hgfhjjk SO BEAR WITH ME AS I RAMBLE ABOUT THIS

So Mumbo was born in 3998 and it's been ALMOST five hundred years since he was born, but not quite. I did a lot of math that is incomprehensible now and both Belle and I landed at the current year being roughly 4487 at the start of Midnight in which Tubbo is still 17; he turns 18 during Midnight Lies, still in 4487 a few months after Grian meets Mumbo, and 20 during Midnight Alley, which means a little more than 2 years has passed, so the current year is placed in ~4489. (this also means at least one year has passed between Midnight Lies and Midnight Visit, since Tubbo was 19 in Visit lol). This means they started counting years again nearly 5,000 years after the Warden happened.

So, remember; Boatem was founded 2,000 years ago (roughly 2400's), and the Hermetian kingdom was founded four hundred years later, around the 2800's. Yet Scar describes Boatem as being one of the oldest settlements on the continent, with the people from Boatem having come from across the sea. Yet they've been counting years for nearly 5,000 years, and we know the Ancients were settled on this continent 10,000+ years ago, and there were people who survived the Wardens...

So what happened to the survivors' settlements? Why is it that in 10,000 years, one of the oldest settlements on the entire continent is only two thousand years old? Well...

Strongholds are above Ancient Cities. Desert temples, jungle temples, ocean monuments, the ruins Drowned are often found around... well, where did they come from? They're all younger than the Ancient Cities, yet older than current society. These were all once marks of civilizations that no longer exist

Something happened in those ten thousand years that reset society again :) And whatever that was is what people are counting from. It wasn't as big as the Warden, ofc, but it was bad enough that few cities or villages or settlements from before it survived, and those that did were often abandoned for the even older, bigger, stronger cities that would prove to withstand time.

ANYWAY I GOT SIDETRACKED BY SOMETHING THAT ISN'T EVEN IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT um-

So I know while they age the same way we do in line with their years (for example an 80 year old Hermetian looks like an 80 year old person from Earth) their years are longer than ours, and their seasons are fucked because their world doesn't work like ours (for example, their moon moves just like the sun, always opposite of it. Makes you wonder where the moonlight comes from *coughGodsarerealcough*) so they can't even judge the years by the seasons. The only thing that changes, besides the phases of the moon, are the stars, so they have to judge their years on the stars (is Midnight heavy in star imagery? Yes, yes it is). Where is this constellation now? and that sort of thing.

NOW HERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM. I basically already established that their days run on a 24 hour clock. So there's 24 hours in a day. How many days are in a week? How many weeks in a month? How many months in a year?

... These are things that I never established, even to myself. I know I want their years to be longer than ours, but not significantly. I just need to figure out where the extra time comes from, and how it's broken down into smaller units. Like we know Scar's rounds took him 2 weeks when he was still delivering blood, and he would deliver to Mumbo once every three months. I already established once every three months is roughly 4 times a year, so the extra time can't have more than ~14 months in it or much less than 12, but we don't know how months are broken into days and weeks and stuff so. I need to. Figure that out. I'm leaning towards a 13 month system just because I think it's funny to use 13 but I could just stick with twelve with each month being longer, base ten is a very common... well, base, so maybe a system of 10 days per week, which if we kept at 4 weeks in a month would be ~40 days and if we add a week ~50 which at 12 months a year would be 480-600 days in a year bUT-

As for how long after the Warden it was when Jimmy and Grian and Gem left the Alley, well 👀 That will actually be revealed in the next chapter.

[hairmetal666]

Chapter 23 of Forever is the Sweetest Con up now on ao3!

Part 6:

now you hang from my lips like the Gardens of Babylon

 with your boots beneath my bed

forever is the sweetest con

Ten Months Later

Steve

A bead of sweat trickles down the column of his throat, and he takes a deep drink from his wine glass, knowing it won’t help any with the heat. He’s never understood why New York society insisted on having these parties in their stuffy brownstones, or why they were always fucking black tie. The bowtie is somehow making him hotter, and the four fucking fireplaces at full blast aren’t helping.

He skirts the edge of the room, avoiding both curious gazes and the woman he came here with. Penny Eaton, Mayflower descendent and inheritor of a large share in Creel Pharmaceutical stock. She’s fine. More interested in Society and couture than she is in investments, and unlike her late father, her information on Creel is negligible. Which means his presence is unnecessary.  

This party is his last-ditch effort to make a connection, find someone more involved in the company, so this whole trip hasn’t been a complete waste.

Another bead of sweat slips between his shoulder blades.

“Steve? There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you.” Penny taps his shoulder.

He chokes back his sigh, pastes on a bright, agreeable smile. “Sorry. Got sidetracked on my way to the bar.” He extends his arm for her to take.

She’s talking but he’s not really catching it, too busy scanning the faces around him, but he hears her say, “—my father’s closest friend, and you absolutely must meet him.”

Penny leads him to a group standing around a mahogany desk, all holding tumblers full of brown liquor and laughing. He already knows what kinds of men they are, how the conversation will go.

“Philip,” Penny says, touching one of the men on the elbow. “I have someone I’d love to introduce you to.”

[arry-katt310]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

I'm gonna explain more on Maddie’s character bc she's my current obsession and I keep coming up with more for her.

Maddie is currently pansexual. She ends up with a cross dressing boyfriend who she gets married to in the future. That'll be another post tho.

She may not support the things her family does, but she supports their sexual preferences. So she wears pride stuff such as rubber band bracelets the colors of her brothers' sexuality flags on her wrists constantly.

Some other facts about her:

She has been in the pocket dimension of Hell for a year now.

Constantly exhausted.

Babysits Andrew when her brother is at work; she adores Andrew and tries not to get on his case about how crappy his father is.

Got shot 5 times before she moved in the pocket dimension.

People love to call her "a gift from the Gods".

She helps around the city and is a speaker for the church; the church is actually very terrible. The pastor is unhealthily obsessed with her, his logic is "she's a gift from the Gods, I'm the main pastor of the church, so therefore she was sent here for me" he hasn't told anyone this, but he has said it to her a couple times and holds it against her. This will be a different post later.

She acts a LOT like her dad. She's good at gaslighting ppl. Very good at it. And possibly one if the only ppl who can read her father; she can't always do it, but to Julius's @sanityshorror surprise, she has done it before.

She can fight powerful people, but she can't go against her dad. If she ever does get in a physical fight with him, she'd lose. It's bc I triggers her childhood trauma whenever her dad gets violent, so she'll easily let that get to her and it'll put her guard down.

Idk if this is something Killian @sanityshorror would actually do, but he wanted to see how good she was at fighting, so he asked her to show him by battling with him. Now if Julius was the one who asked her, she'd back down, but since she doesn't know Killian that well, she accepted. However this ended terribly. She got sidetracked and Killian cut her arm open with his weapon. He had no intention of hurting her, so he's very upset with himself bc of this incident.

Since Maddie is a vampire and can communicate with the dead, she talks to her mother’s ghost. Half of their conversations is just bashing her father. Emily doesn't really have anything against Julius and holds no grudge, but if Maddie wants to, they'll spend hours talking shit. Emily dies draw the line at bashing Octavian @sanityshorror and Devlin @scarfaxia. Bc those two are STILL her sons in her eyes, and they have been working hard just to get Maddie to trust them. So she will not let Maddie hurt her brothers.

When she was younger, she was so desperate for her father's attention, that she tried to make her own little designs for him to look at. She never had the confidence to show him, but when he was going through things at the old house, he found one of her designs and actually created it. Its on display at the dress shop. However this was so long ago that she does not know that that dress was one that she created. He's been trying to hint at it, but he's Julius so he doesn't do much and is too petty to do actually it.

Maddie doesn't have any friends. She's too busy to hang out a keep a friendship going. So her brothers are the only ones she hangs out with.

Maddie is only 16. She's a high school student, so she's busy with that.

Her worst subject is history while her best is English. Killian tutors her in history whenever he has the time. And since then, she's been getting higher grades.

She also is taking a psychology class. She has a pretty high grade in it.

The only reason she's IN the pocket dimension is bc when Julius killed Annabella, he had no idea that Maddie was living with her and when he found out, he was told by Satan to keep her bc he sees her as "good potential"

Maddie has no desire to join Julius. The second she graduates high-school, she's going to college. And probably moving out of state.

That's all! Bye! Happy Pride Month! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[kidmachinate]

Diablo IV - Things Will Get Better, Right?

Diablo IV was met with much praise upon being released. The game has an 88 top critic average on OpenCritic, and a 96% for critics recommend. This tells a very positive story…however, the people invested in the game past review impressions seem to have an altered version of this tale and it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Let’s talk about it. The campaign is great and refreshing. I think Lilith works as a villain and the whole her vs Inarius struggle front and center is an interesting backstory. Most of which can be understood even without playing the previous games. The cutscenes are amazing and the voice work is well done. It works. Even if you’re only realistically playing the campaign one time and one time only, as the game gives you an option to skip the campaign any time past the first. There also some key fights in the campaign that will be a nod to past games as well that add value for players keeping up over the years. Won’t say what because spoilers. It’s a deep enough story, disconnected from the feel of the past three games, but still had bits to enjoy from the past titles too. It is exciting enough on its own and leaves things open for those upcoming expansions and/or future titles. While people are likely gonna skip campaign after the first time, I like this one much better than Diablo III before it. This is the greenest side of the field. Let’s get into characters. To be perfectly clear, before I get into anything else, I’m not going to paint the same pretty picture many have. While I am still enjoying this game, I debate for how long. A previous (now nonexistent, unfortunately) review I had for Diablo III was titled In and Out of Diablo III. As is stands, and much of this is dependent on what happens with Seasons 1 and/or 2 of the game, Diablo IV may be a similar type of review. I may stay in longer initially than I did vanilla D3, but do I have the same patience to keep trying time and time again hoping the game improved months later? I’m not so sure. Let’s get right back to it because I got slightly sidetracked here. The characters! Another disclaimer, this is my personal take on each character. Barbarian is boring to me but up for consideration for Season 1 or to play the only character I haven’t made yet. No real opinion to offer yet. Sorcerer is my main and level 78. Feels satisfying to play and look at. Every element has a viable build. I originally thought this was the class most balanced, and in the sense of being able to use each element and multiple versions of each, is great. However, it is the weakest class in terms of survivability, they took away an enchantment slot since the beta, resists don’t work which is half the point of the intelligence state, and it doesn’t have the damage to help make up for that. Once you get to the true endgame, you need to play near if not entirely perfect, or wait for your defensive cooldowns or frost nova to come off cooldown. I’m playing and Ice Shards build and thinking about a Hybrid of Blizzard and Ice Shards soon. Druid feels real bad through level 50. It’s too damn slow. I’m just over that now but exhausted from what it took to get there, so I barely touch it. I’ve done less on my Necromancer and Rogue, however both already feel satisfying at early levels. I’ve got a Penetrating Shot and Bone Spear build for the two respectively. Rogue is exceptionally nice with mobility options because you don’t get a horse until Act IV of the campaign. That’s another minus point for the campaign I suppose. The classes I think are mostly okay but need some further tweaks to get to a point where all characters feel fun to play at any given point in the game. Which class is best will be figured out and change over time, but there are clear senses of what is fun and not right now. In the case of the not so fun classes, it feels bad. Sorcerer, which I will now call Sorceress from this point forward (because I have a female char and it was that in D2 dammit) is the most picked class, but stats show people drop the class after a certain point due to what I mentioned above. It’s no good. I hope this changes. I’d love to keep playing Sorceress but I don’t think needed changes will happen before Season 1 drops in less than a month. The character creator, while not in depth, having it at all is greatly appreciated. I have to state another good point. The devs have been very responsive and open to feedback at a surprising level. It almost make you think you aren’t playing a Activision Blizzard game…almost. While not all the changes we may want are implemented yet, there has been quite a few patches and hotfixes since before even the early/retail release, during the period of the open beta. That’s fantastic and a great sign. This does give me hope for the future…even if not immediate. The environment, characters (with changes needed and ever pending), and dev feedback all feel great. I genuinely enjoy and appreciate visually what I am looking at now since Diablo III’s original presentation. While Reaper of Souls made it better, this delivers the environmental feel closer Diablo and Diablo II. I approve highly…but you all reading this know better right? It was getting to this point. This is where the grass starts to get brown or rotten at the core. Part of this…or perhaps a big part of this may be personal preference but hear me out on this. Here’s the other half of the story.

By design, this game was doomed to fail in my eyes for as much as I like Diablo. I am mostly not a fan of open world. It truly takes a great world I’m legitimately interested, or some sense of actual purpose behind what I’m doing. Elden Ring accomplishes this even with its samey dungeons because I may get upgrade materials, new challenges, and a new boss (sometimes). With Diablo IV, most of its dungeons are like Elden Ring dungeons, except even less variety in the dungeons (if you can imagine that) a slight chance of getting something to upgrade your endgame gear and absurd drop rates. It doesn’t feel rewarding and the higher you push in Nightmare Dungeons to get better chances at stuff, feels particularly bad with my favorite class, Sorceress. Build variety takes a hit with Sorceress. You’re restricted to the same defensive options for each build to maybe keep you alive. It sucks. There are microtransactions and they are disgustingly priced, and you already paid for the game upfront. It isn’t pay to win however, so as much as this sucks on principle, it isn’t a huge deal. It’s a much bigger deal for anyone with addictive tendencies and to those people, I’m sorry. This sucks. Personally, I’m more concerned about what the game has to offer. I got sidetracked again while making other points. There’s more to this. Diablo IV leans more towards MMO while keeping the spirit of an ARPG game. I like having the extra stuff to do. Dare I say I even enjoy it? Yeah, I do. I like the world bosses (big group boss fights), world events (normal party size events to kill enemies), even watching terrible groups fail legion events because the are too slow (bigger group, kill groups of enemies in a set timeframe). The problem is when I should be doing either Helltide (sections of the map change in favor of collecting materials and fighting some bosses) to go towards better drops in chests in those areas, or should just simply be running nightmare dungeons because these samey dungeons are pretty much what matters in the endgame, everything else just feels like a chore. I await the important stuff. I suppose I forgot that this is also technically a live service game since it has a season pass and such, so again, by design, probably something I won’t like. Seasonal play hasn’t hit quite yet, so I dunno how I will feel about it. However, live service by design is not respectful of your time. What has to be one of the biggest offenders of wasting your time in this game is the paragon board. I made the decision to redo my paragon board. If you want to respec your character, it costs gold. I think it should be free but fine. No big deal. It refunds all nodes. All 58 of them assuming you have them all. You know what you can’t refund all of? Your 225 total paragon board nodes should you choose to respect. You have to go one by one and they all cost gold. Some you have to click twice to remove a rune attached to a node and then refund the node after removing the rune. Way to not respect a gamers time. I suppose storage is also an issue and gems don’t have their own bag, but they will be addressing this at some point around I think Season 2...so I guess they get a pass because they at least heard and addressed this. It’s not an issue for me. Yet. Play this game with friends if you like it but can’t stand all the in between stuff that mostly won’t matter when you’re doing endgame activities. That’s the best advice I can give. The foundation is here for a greater game (in my opinion) than Diablo III, but we’re not there yet. We need some further class balancing and a Tier 5 difficulty with actual different activities and/or new gear to chase for levels 80-100. By the time I got to this section before posting this review, my Sorceress is level 82. I’m not sure I care to get to 100 other than to say yay, I did it, pretty unenthusiastically. Uber Lilith, the level 100, play perfect challenge only gets you a horse skin. No thanks, I’ll pass. To stick a number on it to help make my point, this is a solid 6.5 to 7 out of 10 game. On days in which lag/rubber banding is a problem, even on people’s higher end PCs, I might even be inclined to put it at lower due to frustration, but I won’t. I think this is fair. If in Diablo III I was in and out of the game because I didn’t care for the overall scene or much at all, Diablo IV is the opposite. I love the overall scene and it is a good campaign, but what remains in the endgame, what matters in Diablo IV is an extension of how some people feel about real life. It’s fine…but you’re just going through the motions hoping it will eventually get better. I’d compare this to relationship you’ve been in too long but this is early in the game’s lifecycle. Things will get better, right? Right? We shall see.

[bullfrogjoy]

Bullfrog Joy

January 19, 2024

Good Morning! I know a lot of you don’t like winter, but Wednesday was a beautiful winter day and Thursday wasn’t far behind. This morning, well… We just have to take joy in what we get and remember where we live, right? The snow that came last night was very sparkly, but then I didn’t have to go out into it.

My week has been filled with lots of ups and joys and downs and sadness. How was yours, my friends? Yesterday was a perfect example. I lost my phone…twice!!! The first time I had to go get Jan at the office, have him come home and call me so I could find it. Turns out it was in the car under the driver’s seat. I thought I had it in the car, but I sure couldn’t find it. The second time, I walked to Casey’s to get a Diet Coke. Joy….then an hour later I tried to look up something. No phone. This time, it fell out of my pocket at Casey’s. They were saving it for me. Not very joyful, especially when I met Jan on the way and had to explain to him what I was doing!

Here’s a small joy. I had to drive to Galesburg, and I was very behind schedule because of the phone incident. However, I hit every stop light around Monmouth on the GREEN light! Yes, the green light. Amazing!

Oh, here’s another one. I found a new word game besides Wordle (which I still play daily) It’s called Connections where you have to group 16 words into four categories. Sometimes I lose, well maybe a lot of times. The other day I got a call from Kendall. He didn’t win. Neither did I. One of the categories was words you used to find on your calculator when you typed certain numbers then turned your calculator upside down like “0ll34.” Remember? “Hello”? There were three other words in the category, plus another category I did not get. I do remember those number words, but that was a long, long time ago. He had never heard of them. So, joy for the phone call from the grandson, boo for the loss, joy for the memory. I won yesterday, all four categories!!! Once again, it’s the little stuff.

For me joy comes from the books I read, too. I finished Ender’s Game this week. It was written in 1977 but had so many things in it that are relevant to today. I wonder how Orson Scott Card could know what game play and internet use and influencers could be like today. Last night we watched the movie…guess what! The book is much better than the movie. I know you are surprised!

I also think I may have found my word for the year. It scares me a little but that might not be all bad. I think the word is “finish.” Finish reading the book I started (I don’t have a lot of trouble with this one), finish cleaning the house, finish writing a letter, finish the prayers I have been asked to pray, finish whatever idea or project I get started. I am good at thinking up things, not so good at carrying them out. And I get sidetracked really easily!!! I am sure none of you have that problem, but I do, and it does not bring me joy.

I really like my new word for the month, “ubuntu.” It’s from Africa and my take on it is that we are all bound together as humans no matter who we are, no matter where we live, no matter what we believe. We need to be kind to one another and help whenever we can.

There’s a cool African story about some kids who were friends, sitting in a circle playing a game. A man offered a basket of fruit to whichever kid got to the basket first. They all joined hands and went together so they could all eat from the basket. Wouldn’t it be awesome if the world worked that way?

Joy to you my friends! Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me.

[larcenywrites]

How are you feeling?? Are you okay?? You write so much for us every day, but we don't even ask how you... I hope all is well!

Aw tysm for the thoughts 🥹🥹❤️❤️ Honestly? Yeah, it’s pretty great! Back when I started this (June 2022 was it? I know it hasn’t been very long) I was already in a kinda not good place and writing kinda helped until a lot of stuff went downhill. And I wanted to write for this blog! I did! But I was really struggling and nearly every day I stared at all those unfinished works that had been promised months ago and felt shittier every time I had a page open for a whole day and wrote nothing, and figured no one probably cared anymore anyway but that was fine I guessed! And so I pushed stuff out when I randomly got a burst of energy, only to fall back into my slump days later even with the support a lot of my stuff got and still gets! Fast forward to, what, mid February this year? Also not long ago, after I worked on some things with some very good friends, and I found my love for writing again and for creating and for loving this character that I’ve loved literally my whole life! (Well almost, I was 8 when iron man 1 released lmao) and I didn’t want to lose that again!! And somehow I went from posting like once or twice every two weeks and then disappearing to posting like- every day- because I WANT to! In fact, it’s so hard because I so badly want to neglect my homework and studying to do this! To create and to indulge you guys and to create a world here 😭🤧❤️🥹

Sometimes it’s still hard because- well, like tonight, I promised myself when I get home I’m gonna write at least 600 more words for that one shot request I still haven’t pushed out! Aaaand then I got sidetracked with you guys because I genuinely love interacting with people who are just as insane as me?? That and I had to redo the Masterlist because links got fucked today and like right now I feel so bad that it’s not out and it’s been like probably almost a full two weeks since I got it :( and I have god idk how many hcs requests rn xD and I know I don’t have to, but sometimes I feel obligated to get things out ASAP or it’s something I super want to write about even though I’m already behind on this weeks IT homework! I still haven’t found a balance, and I’m a little anxious between it all sometimes, but honestly I’d say that getting back into this has pulled me out of my giant slump where I had no hobbies, or cares, or any kind of happy thoughts!

Sorry for the long rant, but genuinely like- your support and eagerness (as stressful as it can be at times 😂) has gotten me back into a hobby I forgot I loved so much! And I get to share it and build it with other people which much younger me always wanted to do and never figured I would because I was so shy and anxious! So yes, I’ve been doing great and in fact need to learn to chill out a little and allow myself to have some personal room from time to time 😂❤️

And I hope you guys like this series I’m planning out because I’m so excited to write it :D but I want to get out that request first and finish at least a few more hcs that have been sitting around before I do. Honestly even if you guys don’t like it, just like how some of my stuff I was so eager to write doesn’t get as much attention as others, I’ve started to learn how to just love what I do anyway and putting it out into the world means that I just put something loved and authentic out that someone in the future might appreciate! At least I did! And it helped me feel better for another day ❤️

[purry]

Sick of My Shit

About 9 months to a year ago I started "spring cleaning," and of course it took a lot longer than just spring. I'd just reached out for help and got on an antidepressant (which turned out to be magically helpful), and I was ready to dig myself out of sludge. I started with my front closet, the Closet That Time Forgot, in which I had stuffed things when I first moved into my apartment SIX YEARS AGO. Also it was just where things went that I didn't want to see or deal with. It was a deep closet. At the time, I pulled literally everything out of this closet. This was before I became a certified decluttering coach, trained under the amazing Dana K. White, who does NOT recommend pulling everything out! And I know this now, but in any case, that is what I did. I pulled it all out in effort to annoy myself enough to get rid of shit & figure it out. I live in a studio apartment, so it basically took up my whole space. Fast forward to six months later, I had an decluttered and organized front closet! And no piles of What The Hell Is Even This Stuff. I'm moving fast through this story just so I can get started. After The Closet, I moved on to other areas of my apartment, all the while reading books, blogs, and watching YouTube videos on decluttering and organizing. Once I'd done my first pass (6+ months of work), I started in on what felt like the logical next step: cleaning. I'm not a dirty or messy person, per se, but during the pandemic and the depths of depression, I just couldn't motivate to clean things. It took a while to get things back to their base levels, where they can be more easily maintained. I now use the Sidetracked Home Executives system with index cards, which is super helpful to me. I don't have to decide what to do, I just pull the day's cards & do that! (No matter that I'm the one that put those tasks in those days, I've already forgotten that part, and I don't feel like I'm having to decide in the moment.) THEN I moved on to my finances. Decluttering and organizing and getting healthy with my money. I was never great with money, and I also never made much, but over the years I've worked on getting better & better with money. I've found better and better jobs, super slowly, but surely. And finally I am in a position where I'm making enough money that I'm not just constantly putting out fires, but actually digging myself out of debt and creating savings, investments, etc! I am just now beginning that, and I am definitely not making tons of money, but it's better than it's ever been! Gotta start where I am. Which is just paying off debt at the moment, but that's amazing! January 2023 I started my side hustle of becoming a decluttering coach in order to generate more income. And do something that I now really enjoy (thank you Dana!) This aspect is just beginning, but it feels very right and exciting. This post is called Sick of My Shit, because I really was. I was sick of being depressed, sick of clutter and mess and piles and dirt and filth, sick of being in debt, having zero savings, zero investments, zero retirement, zero assets. Fucking sick of it! So here I am, multiple fires under my ass, somehow progressing through all of this (thanks Lexapro!), and creating a better life for myself. Who knew?