#and i get dry mouth and falling asleep at work and migraines and nothing else

[combeauferre]

i just wish i had normal adhd where you take medication and then you feel better, instead of shitty useless half adhd where you can just about get by and no medication you take ever touches it

[feverishbangtan]

of migraines and other things

It’s 2:30am here but I’m finally done with it! Here’s some sick Yoongi for you all!

Sickie: Yoongi

Caretaker: mainly Seokjin and Hoseok

Word count: 3170

TW: emeto

"Welcome back to Korea! What are your plans for the next week?" One reporter yells loudly.

Someone else shoves their camera into the members' faces, trying to get a good shot of them.

"How was the last concert? How are you feeling now?"

"Are you working on a new album right now?"

Questions upon questions are being thrown their way but the members ignore them, giving a tight-lipped smile at most.

Seokjin has a scowl on his face, obviously annoyed and stressed with the situation. But his hand on Yoongi's back is gentle as he guides him through the packed airport.

Reporters eagerly awaited their return from Tokyo, the last stop of the Asian tour leg before they'll have a one week break.

Fansites of the boys gathered there as well. They are a lot more tiring to deal with. While the reporters stay in one place, taking pictures of the members and throwing questions at them, the fansites follow them around the airport, invading their space and shoving their cameras into their faces.

Seokjin ignores them, his attention divided between moving forward and the man next to him.

Yoongi suddenly stops walking and Seokjin nearly stumbles into him. His hand moves up to rest on Yoongi's neck, squeezing gently as he leans down to inspect the smaller.

"What's wrong Yoongi-yah? C'mon, just a bit more and we'll be out of this crowd," he encourages. Yoongi swallows visibly and nods, grabbing Seokjin's hand as they continue walking.

They only make it a few more steps before Yoongi stops again, squeezing Seokjin's hand to make him stop as well.

"Hyung-" Yoongi inhales shakily and swallows hard. He squints his eyes behind the sunglasses, the noise and bright lights irritating his migraine.

"I- I'm gonna be sick," he breaths out, trying to suppress the urge to throw up last night's dinner in the middle of the airport.

"You- what? Like, now? You have to puke now?" The panic is evident in how Seokjin's voice rises a few octaves.

Yoongi screws his eyes shut, trying to breathe through his nose as he presses a hand to his mask-covered mouth.

"I- okay. Just- Let's just- Let's go over there. You can sit down on the chairs, maybe that'll help," Seokjin suggests desperately, tugging the younger in the right direction.

The crowd seems to calm down a little as more airport security personnel arrives. Seokjin lost view of the others shortly after they left the plane but he knows they must be a few steps ahead of them.

Just as they reach the seating area, Yoongi starts gagging. He pulls the mask under his chin when he realizes it's inevitable, mouth already watering and the taste of vomit in the back of his throat.

Instead of sitting down on the chairs, as Seokjin suggested earlier, Yoongi leans over the big trash can, dry heaving a few times as he tries to fight it. He spits out the saliva and burps, whole body tensing as he tries to not throw up in such a public place. All the effort is futile, though, when he burps again and it brings up a stream of puke.

Seokjin stands in front of the smaller man, trying to shield him from the cameras that are still pointed at them, while simultaneously rubbing his back to comfort him.

"It's fine. It'll be okay," he tries to reassure the younger.

Once Yoongi is finally able to breathe again without gagging, Seokjin asks: "Are you done?"

Yoongi nods and uses the back of his hand to wipe his mouth.

"Okay, then... Do you need to sit down for a bit? Or are you alright to leave?" Seokjin assesses their surroundings. There are still a lot of people and even with the security they have, it would be a mess to walk through that crowd.

One of their managers walks up to them, looking worried as he eyes the rapper. "There's a VIP lounge down that way," he tells them, pointing in the right direction, "The others are already waiting there and you can stay until the mass dissipates."

They move slowly and Seokjin's hold on Yoongi is tight. The younger has his eyes cast downward, trusting his hyung completely. The airport security does a good job, keeping all the people away from them and they arrive at the lounge quickly.

Seokjin sits Yoongi down on one of the couches, not paying any attention to the other members watching them worriedly.

Hoseok crouches down in front of Yoongi, gently placing his hands on the elder's knees to get his attention.

"How are you feeling, hyung?" He asks so quietly even Seokjin, who sits right next to him, barely hears him.

"Head hurts... and still nauseous," Yoongi mumbles and closes his eyes.

The loud noises and bright lights surely don't help his migraine at all.

Taehyung had given him his sunglasses before they left for the airport in the morning and Jimin had given him his noise-canceling headphones. Yoongi had to take off the headphones because he felt too disoriented when he had left the plane, but the shades were helpful.

They all feel bad for Yoongi. They felt horrible when they found out he had a migraine, knowing how bad they tend to get for the rapper. Jungkook had tried giving him medicine but that didn't help at all. The maknae felt a bit guilty, thinking he should've known this would happen when Yoongi and he went out for a midnight snack the night before and Yoongi ended up eating even more than him. But Yoongi was sure to reassure him that it wasn't his fault at all and there's nothing any of them could've done. He'd just have to push through it.

Pushing through it is a lot harder to do, though. Especially with how overwhelmed he felt when they walked through the airport. Now that he can rest in the quiet lounge it's a bit better and the members make an effort to be quiet.

"We'll be home soon and then you can rest," Hoseok promises.

He squeezes Yoongi's knees but the older tenses and groans. Right, Hoseok thinks, sensitivity to touch.

They all just sit there in silence for a while. Almost an hour later someone informs their manager that they got the crowd to leave and it is safe for the members to head out to their cars.

Jimin and Taehyung stay close to Yoongi, helping him maneuver out of the airport and into the backseat of the car. The ride home takes another hour or so and they are all exhausted. Jungkook ends up falling asleep and Yoongi wishes he could, too. He wants nothing more than to sleep but that is an impossible task in the moving car. He's very relieved when they finally stop at the gates of the big building their shared apartment is in.

Jungkook and Namjoon take Yoongi's bags so he doesn't have to carry them. Once inside, no one turns the lights on. It's late afternoon anyway, and there's still enough sunlight to illuminate the rooms. Hoseok drops his bags in the entrance in favor of helping Yoongi to his room.

"Do you want to shower first?" he asks as Yoongi slowly slips out of his pants.

"Can't. Head hurts too much," Yoongi whispers and crawls into his bed once he's changed.

"Okay, rest well hyung." Hoseok quietly closes the door to let the older sleep peacefully.

—

Later that evening Hoseok sneaks back into Yoongi's room. No one has heard even the slightest noise from him and the younger rapper is getting a little bit worried.

Yoongi looks up at him sleepily when Hoseok opens the door. He must've just woken up, hair messy and face flushed.

"Hi hyung, how are you?" Hoseok keeps his voice down in case Yoongi’s head is still hurting.

The older hums, "my head's feeling better. Thank you for asking Seok-ah."

His head doesn't feel like it's going to explode anymore but there's still a dull pounding behind his eyes.

Hoseok smiles brightly, happy that Yoongi's feeling better. "Good! Jin-hyung made dinner, do you want me to bring you some?"

The smile slips off his face when Yoongi shakes his head and burps into his fist.

"I'm not hungry. Actually, I'm still a little nauseous. I'll shower and go back to sleep."

"Maybe it's nausea from not eating all day. I'll tell Jin-hyung to bring you something." Hoseok leaves before Yoongi can even open his mouth.

He doesn't think he feels nauseous because he hasn't eaten all day. It feels different but not quite like before when he felt sick because of his migraine. Maybe he caught a bug or something.

Seokjin comes into the room after announcing his presence with a hard knock on the door.

"Yoongichi, Hoseok-ah said you're feeling sick?" He places a bowl on the nightstand.

He sits down on the edge of the bed, mustering the younger. Yoongi looks pale and generally unwell. Seokjin purses his lips as he presses the back of his hand to Yoongi's forehead.

"You feel warm. I think you have a fever," he announces, "Try to eat a little bit, and then you can go back to sleep."

Yoongi is hesitant to try the stew. His stomach feels tight and queasy. But Seokjin insists so he tries it.

It was a mistake. Yoongi knew it was a mistake but he tried it anyway and now he regrets it.

"I-" is all he manages to get out before he gags into his hands, luckily unproductive.

Seokjin curses and looks around the room. He grabs the trash can and shoves it under Yoongi's chin.

"I shouldn't have made you eat. I'm sorry, Yoongichi," the older apologizes and rubs Yoongi's back when he gags again. Seokjin pats his back to move the process along when he retches unproductively once more. With another heave, he throws up the little bit of stew he had. His stomach stops rumbling and it makes him feel a little bit better, nausea subsiding for now.

Seokjin grabs the bottle of water Yoongi always has on his bedside table and pours him a glass, "here, drink a little bit."

Yoongi's hands are a little bit shaky when he grabs it. He takes tiny sips, just enough to get rid of the horrid taste in his mouth before he gives it back to Seokjin. He doesn't try eating any more after that and Jin doesn't bug him about it.

Yoongi takes a shower and curls back up in his bed right after. He's exhausted and all he wants is to sleep. It's getting late anyway and all of the members must've been tired because it's very quiet in the dorm, all of them probably asleep by now.

—

Yoongi can't have been asleep for more than an hour when he jolts awake again.

His stomach lurches and saliva gathers in his mouth. It takes him a few moments to collect himself and realize what's happening.

He jumps out of bed and sprints to the bathroom. He barely makes it in time before he's bent over the toilet and throws up the water he had earlier before going to sleep. This isn't how Yoongi planned for the night to go. He just wants to sleep off the bug and feel better in the morning but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

Even after he brought up everything that was left in his stomach, Yoongi still feels nauseous. He just took a shower earlier but his skin is already coated in sweat again. It makes his hair stick to his forehead and his clothes feel like they are glued to his body. It's very uncomfortable on his sensitive feverish skin.

Still feeling sick he does not dare move away from the toilet. And it turns out that is a good idea. Just as Yoongi's dozing off again, back leaning against the cold tile wall, a nauseating burp leaves his lips. Then another before he scrambles back over the toilet. Continuous unproductive heaves make his body shake. It's tiring and painful, his stomach cramping and his throat raw.

Yoongi doesn't realize when the door opens. He only notices that he isn't alone anymore when a soothing hand rubs up and down the length of his back.

"Ah, Yoongi-yah. I don't think you have anything left to throw up." Seokjin's soft voice whispers.

Yoongi isn’t loud when he throws up but Seokjin has always been a light sleeper so it’s no surprise he woke up. The younger has half a mind to feel bad about it, considering that none of them have gotten a lot of sleep lately and this is the first night they can all rest at home and don't need to worry about a schedule in the morning. But he doesn’t have time to dwell on that thought when his stomach cramps again and forces up a trickle of bile.

"I'll be right back," Seokjin promises and leaves the bathroom.

Yoongi wipes his lips with toilet paper but he doesn't have the energy to get up and wash the rancid taste off of his tongue. Instead, he just leans back against the wall, shivering at the cold seeping through his shirt.

When Seokjin comes back he brings pillows and blankets with him. He spreads them out on the floor and makes Yoongi lay down on the thick duvets. Jim puts one of them around Yoongi, who curls up underneath it, trying to get warm. He knows it’s probably just the fever making him feel so cold when his skin actually feels warm to touch.

"Here, drink a bit. It'll make you feel better." Seokjin pushes a water bottle into his shaky hands.

Yoongi takes a few careful sips but not enough to upset his tummy again.

Jin hands him a small pill. "Try to take this, too. It'll help with the nauseous feeling," he instructs and Yoongi swallows it with another sip of water.

"Thank you, hyung," the younger murmurs and curls up in the nest Seokjin created for him.

Seokjin stays with him throughout the night. He knows not to be too overbearing with the rapper, that would just make him uncomfortable. Yoongi can take care of himself, and Seokjin knows that but he doesn't want to leave him all alone.

So he stays, reminding the younger to drink a little bit whenever he wakes and staying next to him when Yoongi has to throw up again.

In the morning they're both even more exhausted than before. Yoongi from getting sick all night and Seokjin from waking up every hour to take care of him.

—

Namjoon is the one to find them in the morning. He walks into the bathroom, rubs the sleep from his eyes, and yawns. He jumps in surprise when he sees both Seokjin and Yoongi sleeping on the floor.

Namjoon goes to crouch down next to the eldest, shaking Jin's shoulder. "Hyung. Hyung, wake up."

Seokjin blinks up blearily at him. He looks around himself before recognition settles on his features. He puts a finger to his lips, signaling Namjoon to be quiet.

"Hyung, you should go to bed," Namjoon whispers and glances at Yoongi, "both of you."

Jin untangles himself from the sheets carefully, freezing for a second when Yoongi makes a noise in his sleep. Once he settles again, Seokjin gets up.

"Did you sleep here all night?" Namjoon asks, thinking about how uncomfortable that must've been.

Seokjin only nods tiredly as he walks up to the sink and splashes water into his face, waking himself up. He turns around and leans his back against the counter, mustering Yoongi, considering what to do next.

Eventually, he sighs and kneels back down, shaking the younger awake. "Yoongichi. Yoongi," he murmurs, "wake up. It's morning. You should go back to bed."

Yoongi grumbles but opens his eyes, blinking sleepily up at the two members standing over him.

"Good morning hyung!" Namjoon greets him happily. Yoongi does not return the cheerfulness.

"Yoongi-yah, you should go to bed. Sleep some more. I'll bring you breakfast later," Seokjin promises.

However, Yoongi turns back around, cuddling into the pillow, "I'll just sleep here. This is good enough."

Namjoon shakes his shoulder again, rougher than Seokjin. "No, hyung. You should go to bed or your back will hurt."

Yoongi lays still for a bit longer, debating on whether it really is worth it. He's achy and tired and just wants to sleep. He already spent all night on the bathroom floor so why can't they just let him rest there for a few more hours.

But there’s that tiny rational part of his brain that's trying to get his attention. Yelling at him that they're right and that he'll regret sleeping on this hard cold floor, even with all the bedding he's laying on. He should gather his leftover energy and drag himself back into his bedroom and sleep there instead.

Seokjin helps him back to his room and tucks him. He then places a bucket next to Yoongi's bed - just in case. He leaves with another promise to bring him something to eat later and get-well wishes.

—

Yoongi sleeps for most of the day. The fever and puking are taking a toll on his body and it leaves him tired and aching. He still has to throw up occasionally but it's less frequent than it was during the night.

The other members wake him up to give him something to drink - "You don't want to get dehydrated on top of this, hyung!" Jimin reminded him earlier.

Seokjin didn't want to be too obvious about it but he is worried. Yoongi has been throwing up for two days already and he still has a fever.

"How is he?" Hoseok asks when Jin walks into the living room.

He looks up to see everyone gathered on the couch. Seokjin sighs, "Not so good. He's still warm and he threw up again just now. If he's not better by morning I think I'll take him to the doctor."

"Hmm," Namjoon hums, "he doesn't usually get this sick."

"He doesn't usually get sick at all..." Jungkook mutters. It's obvious that they're all just as worried as Seokjin is.

"I'm sure hyung will be better soon!" Taehyung tries to look at it positively. The others agree with him, hoping he’s right.

—

That night Yoongi spends in his bed instead of the bathroom floor. He hasn't thrown up in a few hours, to everyone's relief. His fever finally breaks during the night and even though he's very sweaty and uncomfortable in the morning, he feels better.

Yoongi's still a bit weak and shaky and he refuses the meat Taehyung offers him for breakfast. "I don't think I can stomach that yet, but thank you Taehyung-ah."

He actually manages a smile and Taehyung is glad to see that his hyung is feeling better. They all are.

[lihikainanea]

can you please write smth where tiger's having a rough migraine but she wont tell bill bc she knew he'd drop work and would be at home in a snap of fingers if she told him smth, and then when he comes home he finds her in her room with all her blinds shut and doors closed to not let the light come through bc it makes her head ache more and its hurting so much already that she had thrown up a couple of times and he's worried and upset that she didnt call him but then takes care of her?

oh goddddd nani babes this is so sweet. As a fellow migraine sufferer, god I feel junk punched by this one.

I don’t know about any of you, sometimes I can feel a migraine come on from a day or two before--something will just feel off, I’ll get a nosebleed, or I have one of those “haha I’m so stressed god it’s a miracle I haven’t gotten a migraine yet” moments and then the next day--BAM. Flattened. Sometimes too, though, they just come out of nowhere. I’ll be fine, and then my vision will skew, my stomach will turn, and I know I have about a 5-10 minute window before I’m in some serious pain.

I get all the symptoms, too. Nausea. Extreme sensitivity to light. Blurred vision, or total blackout vision. Splitting pain. If I’m lucky, it only lasts a day. I’ve had some bad ones that last a long ass time and it’s awful.

So like, look--maybe tiger feels one coming on. Maybe Bill is on set--he’s in town, just on set for 16 hours every day--and tiger has been working like the boss bitch she is. But one morning at work--she feels it. That drilling sensation above her left eye--it’s a headache for now, but the minute the vision in her eye goes wonky she knows what she’s in store for. She quickly packs her shit, pops a few really strong Tylenol in an effort to fight it off (sometimes it works), and she heads home. She has a routine, one that works half the time--some strong Tylenol, a whole bottle of gatorade, and ten minutes later--two espressos. Hydration and caffeine can sometime nip it in the bud, if she’s lucky.

She’s not so lucky this time. She gets these, usually with the change of seasons or the barometric pressure being all off. She half contemplates calling Bill, but when she squints her eyes enough to see the time she realizes that he’s only been on set for two hours, and probably hasn’t even made it out of the make up chair yet. This shoot is a short one and every hour counts, and she can’t ruin his day.

Instead she stumbles to try and get her stuff ready for the long haul--cold compresses, warm compresses, her bottle of pain meds, some water. She barely makes it to bed.

And that’s exactly where she proceeds to stay for the next 14 hours.

The poor bean, it’s awful. The pain is so bad at one point that she dry heaves. And even if she wants to call Bill now, there’s no fucking way she can even function long enough to do that. She can barely speak. She’s just curled up in bed, in complete darkness, trying to relax and not tense up, whimpering in pain.

Bill wraps around midnight--he calls her, but it goes to voicemail. He thinks maybe she might be asleep, but something doesn’t sit right because she hasn’t texted him all day--and when she goes to bed, she always tells him goodnight. It’s a sweet sentiment, but also a warning that his lanky ass better not make too much noise when he comes home, lest he wake her up. He shakes off a feeling of malaise, and heads home.

But the hairs on his neck stand on end when he pulls up and every single one of the lights inside are off. He can’t explain it, but his Little Human alert is dinging furiously and he doesn’t know why. Taking the steps two and three at a time, he swings open the door and calls out to her.

But like, listen--the door whipping open and shutting harshly after, Bill’s loud voice calling for her? Fuck man, that’s torture when you have a migraine. And all he hears is her whimper, her choking sob, and he knows right away. And while he wants to be angry, his first instinct is just...concern. Care. He heads to the bedroom immediately, trying to walk as softly as he can.

“Oh kid,” he whispers lowly. He approaches slowly, crouching on her side of the bed and putting a soothing hand on her. She’s scrunched up so small, tensed in a tiny ball, in way too much pain.

“Billy,” she croaks out, and it’s half sob, half relief, half whimper of pain.

“It’s okay tiger, I’m here,” he whispers, “I got you.”

He’s trying not to talk too much because even a whisper is too loud, and tiger is just kind of full on crying now which is no doubt causing her even more pain.

“Hush,” he soothes, “I’ll be right back.”

There are a few things that help ease some of the pain, but more often than not, she just has to let it pass on its own. He gets some room temperature water and a straw, to help her swallow some more meds. He gets some new cold compresses, and heats up her warm ones. Granny made a ginger tea, a home remedy, that used to help with tiger’s symptoms--so he makes a mug of that.

He makes his way back to the room, puts the straw to her lips for a sip. When she’s done he just gently pushes two pain pills between her lips, giving her the straw back so she can swallow.

He doesn’t want to move her just yet--he will eventually, but he’ll let the pain meds kick in a tad first. Instead he just gently--oh, so gently--replaces the warm compress on her neck, places a new cool one on her forehead. She flinches at that one, and he apologizes softly.

She can’t sit up and sip the tea, and he purposely popped a few ice cubes in so it wouldn’t scald him. But then he just real gently dips two fingers in, and holds them to her mouth. She sucks the tea off of them that way--and he keeps doing it. Just getting a bit of liquid on his fingers and holding them to her mouth so she could wrap her lips around.

His other hand is on her somewhere--her thigh, her side. He wants to weave it through her hair but he can’t touch her head when she’s like this, even the softest head scritchies would still cause her too much pain. When she’s halfway done her tea, he starts on the second part of what usually helps her--just holding her tight, giving her something else to focus on, and pressing on a few pressure points that she taught him.

“I’m gonna move you kid,” he whispers. and she stirs a little. he climbs onto the bed as gently as he can, gathering her in his arms as he sits with his back to the headboard. She lets out an agonized whine.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he murmurs, “It’ll feel better in a second.”

He scoots her up onto him a bit more, cradles her head to his chest. He pats gently at her stomach with one hand, using his other one to pinch hard between her forefinger and her thumb. He alternates between pressing down hard on it, and rubbing slow circles.

It helps, but nothing but time will make it completely go away.

I’ll bet he falls asleep like that, doesn't he? Because pain is an exhausting thing, and after so many hours of it, tiger’s body just kind of shuts down and knocks itself out--and miraculously, she falls asleep. He hears her breaths evening out, feels some of the tension leaving her, and he too kind of sags in relief. He doesn’t dare move once she drifts off, not wanting to wake her. He knows how painful these are for her, and he’s going to have a long talk with her tomorrow about how she should have called him. How he doesn’t ever want her to be in pain like this, for that long, alone again. 

But for that night, he drifts off real soon after she does. Propped up against the headboard like that, her all curled up in his arms.

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Lost

Ok. I’ve been sitting on this for long enough...2430 words of angsty sadness. I’ll put warnings in the tags as well, but it does deal with the loss of a pregnancy, so please be careful if that may trigger you. (We do get to see some Brotp Bonding though, so I mean there is that at least.) modern au

   “Whoa, hey now,” Thane said as he crouched down on the ground next to Avanda, “Crying on the floor in the storage closet is kinda my gig. Not gonna lie, Av, you’re kinda stepping on my toes here.”

   Avanda sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes. “Sorry. I’ll be out in a minute. Do they need me in the hospital?”

   “No, I came looking for you myself.” Thane said as he reached out, laying a hand on her shoulder. “You seemed off earlier, I wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

   Avanda forced a laugh. “I’m fine.”

   “No, you aren’t. What’s going on?”

   Avanda shook her head, smoothing out the fabric of her shirt. “Nothing. It’s nothing, really.”

   “That may just be the biggest lie you’ve ever told me.” Thane said, shifting into a more comfortable position, “Now c’mon. You’ve been acting weird all night; I haven’t even seen you drink a cup of coffee, what’s going on?”

   “You can’t tell anyone.”

   Thane smiled a little. “Hey, I’ve kept your secrets before. What’s one more?”

   Avanda took a deep, shaky breath and nodded a little. “I was...late,” she started, “Like...two weeks late. So I took a test, and it came back positive.” She laughed bitterly, “I was so excited I took three more, just to be sure, and they all came back the same. So I waited a while, ya know, trying to figure out how to tell Ewan, and then today...I was going to tell him tomorrow...when he got home from work, but today…”

   Thane’s face was a mask of concern as his hand rubbed up and down Avanda’s arm as she cried now, trying not to tear up himself as he connected the dots of her fragmented story.

   “I had cramps in my back all day, and I felt tired, and-and I went to the bathroom, and there was blood, there was a lot of blood, Thane...And now, I have no idea if the tests were just....wrong,...or if...if I......lost…..” Her hand came up to her face now, covering her mouth as she started sobbing again.

   Thane pulled her into a hug, running his hand over her braid. “Oh Av. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He murmured. “Is there any chance…?”

   Avanda shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

   “God, Av.” He pressed his cheek to her hair and sighed. “I’m so so sorry. Does anyone else know?”

   She shook her head, “I wanted to tell Ewan before I told anyone else. Just me and my doctor, and you.”

   Thane nodded. At least people won’t be asking...He didn’t say it out loud. But it was a small comfort, at least. “You should go to your doctor, though. I mean, maybe…”

   “Yeah.” Avanda hiccupped, “I’ll give her a call. I’ve gotta go clean myself up…”

   Thane stood up, taking her hand and helping her to her feet as well. “It’s--” He stopped, deciding that some phrases were better left unsaid during times like these, even if they were the only words you knew to say. So instead he told her: “I love you, Avocado. And I’ll be here for you, ok?”

   Avanda sighed and wiped her eyes again. “Yeah...yeah, thanks Thane.”

********

   Thane found Avanda in the small break room an hour later, her head resting on the table, her hands clasped under her chin.

   “I haven’t seen you sit like that since we were studying for finals and you were trying not to fall asleep while Carina made flash cards.” He teased gently, setting the Styrofoam cup down in front of her. “Decaf.” He said with a small nod to the cup as she sat up. “Just in case.”

   “Thanks.” Her voice was like sandpaper as she wrapped her hands around it, not moving to drink it.

   Thane glanced out the door quickly to make sure no one was walking by that might overhear them. “Did you call your doctor?”

   Avanda nodded a little. “I have an appointment at 9:30. First one of the day.”

   Thane nodded, taking a sip of his own coffee. “Do you want me to drive you in?” He finally asked.

   “Yes please.”

   He smiled at her and nodded. “I’ll see you at nine, then.”

   “Thank you.”

********

   Thane’s leg bounced a little as he sat in the waiting room with Avanda. He’d asked if she wanted him to wait with her, or if he should stay in the car. He didn’t want her to feel like he was hounding her, but he didn’t want her to feel like he was abandoning her, either. He had been relieved when she had asked him to come in with her.

   She looked a mess, if he was being honest. Her flannel was buttoned crooked, and her braid was frayed. She had opted to wear her glasses instead of her contacts, which was a first in a long time. Even on days when she had a migraine she still put her contacts in, claiming that they were more comfortable.

   He squeezed her hand a little as the door opened, a nurse popping her head out and calling Avanda’s name.

   “Come with me, please.” She said, looking at him before she stood. “Please, I don’t think I can do this alone.”

   Thane nodded and stood up with her, still holding her hand. “Of course.”

   They followed the nurse to the exam room, and he waited outside while Avanda changed into a gown. She opened the door and he stepped in, returning to his post at her side as she sat down on the exam table.

   “It’s gonna be ok, Av.” He whispered. “God, I’m sorry. I know it’s- that’s gotta sound really insensitive, huh? Like, how would I know? I just meant--we’ll get you through this.”

   “Thank you.” She squeezed his hand a little. “I knew what you meant.”

   “Good morning.” The doctor stepped into the room, a professional smile on her face. “You must be the father.” She reached a hand out for Thane to shake.

   “Oh, uh no. No, I’m the uncle actually.” He said, shaking her hand. “Thane.”

   “I see.” The doctor nodded to him a little before turning to Avanda. “And how are you feeling this morning?” She asked.

   Avanda sighed. “Achy and tired. And I had a low-grade fever this morning before I left home.”

   The doctor nodded before taking a seat next to Avanda and setting up some things that Thane couldn’t quite make sense of. “We’re going to start by taking some blood, send it to the lab for them to look at, and then we’ll do an ultrasound and see what’s going on, alright?”

   “Alright.” Avanda’s voice was small as she laid her head back on the pillow, her hand shaking in Thane’s grip.

   Thane smiled at her as she turned her head away from the doctor, her eyes screwed shut as the needles came out.

   “Hey, remember that time Ny tried to do a blood draw on you?” He asked, trying to distract her a little, “I can’t believe Cael and I were able to hold you down.”

   She gritted her teeth a little and winced as the doctor pricked her arm.

   “You’re doing good. She’s only taking a little.”

   Avanda nodded. “I know.”

   “All done.” The doctor said with a forced cheerfulness. “That wasn’t so bad, now was it?”

   Avanda said nothing, her head turning back to the doctor.

   The room fell rather silent as she set up for the ultrasound. Thane watched the screen with Avanda, eyes glued to the black and white on it, hoping and praying for news to be good.

   “Well?” Avanda finally asked.

   “Well,” The doctor said slowly, “It’s...not looking hopeful right now.” She admitted. “There are one or two more things I want to look at first though, before I make an official diagnosis…”

********

   “You won’t tell him?”

   Thane looked up at Avanda now. She had cried the whole way home, and upon their return to the apartment she shared with Ewan, had locked herself in the bathroom for about two hours. Thane had taken to stress baking, making enough cookies to feed the Renegades until the war was won. Avanda stood before him now, her hair unbraided and wild around her tear-stained face.

   “Of course not.” Thane said, drying his hands on the dish towel he’d thrown over his shoulder. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

   “Thank you Thane. For everything, really. I just…” She sank into the chair at the table, and he slid the plate of cookies over to her.

   “The doctor said she wants to see you again on Friday,” Thane said hopefully, “There’s a chance…” He trailed off as Avanda shook her head.

   “I don’t think there is. I think she was just trying to give me hope.”

   They were silent for a long time, both of them picking at the table a little.

   “Will you tell him?” Thane finally asked.

   Avanda sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should. I just...I don’t want him to hurt as badly as I am.”

   “He would want to help you.”

   “I know. But...why bring him the pain just so that I don’t have to carry it alone?”

   “So that you don’t have to carry it alone.” Thane said, “You shouldn’t have to, Av. You two are in this together. You always have been. Let him help you.”

   “I don’t know if I can. Maybe if I get good news on Friday…”

   Thane sighed. “Do you want my opinion?”

   “We both know you’re going to give it to me whether I want to hear it or not.” Avanda scoffed, crossing her arms. “May as well spit it out.”

   “I think you should tell him. I think you should tell him, and should let him go with you on Friday. If you get good news, then awesome. You’ll be far enough along that you should be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and he’ll get to hear it with you. If you get bad news? Well then he’ll be there to hold you and to sit with you through that too.” Thane leaned forward, taking her hands in his. “If you are making a new life with him, I think that he should get to be here with you through the good and bad and all in between.”

   Avanda nodded a little. “I suppose you’re right.” She whispered. “I just...I don’t want him to mourn what he didn’t even know he had.”

   “But doesn’t he deserve that right?” Thane asked.

   “I suppose so.”

   “I love you, Av. And I know you’re going to make it through this. I just hope that you don’t feel like you have to make it through this alone.”

********

   Avanda fidgeted with the sleeve on her flannel. “Ewan...Love, we need to talk about something.”

   Ewan looked up at her, eyes quizzical. “Of course, Lass. What is it?”

   “I, uh…we…” She laughed a little, feeling the tears start. “I can’t do this. Here.” She pulled out the box, and offered it to him.

   Ewan frowned a little. “What’s this?”    “Just...open it.” Her stomach was tied in knots. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, this was wrong. She had put the tests in there, expecting him to be happy when he opened the box, and to stay happy. He wasn’t supposed to open it and smile, only for her to drop a bombshell on him before he even really knew what was happening. She couldn’t watch as he pulled the lid off and removed the four positive pregnancy tests. She couldn’t watch as he started smiling, laughing a little as the meaning sank in.

   “Av, are you serious? Really? Are you--” He frowned as he looked up at her, seeing the tears streaming silently down her face. “Are you crying? Babe are you crying?” He stood up, walking over to her as she nodded. He laughed a little. “Sweetheart, why are you crying?”

   “Because that’s not all.” Avanda pulled away from him, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I’m sorry.” She sighed, wiping tears away again. “I think...I was going to tell you sooner; but then something happened, and I think...I think I lost the baby.” She stared at the floor as she whispered the words, speaking them for the first time.

   Ewan was silent, digesting the information. “Have. Have you seen a doctor yet? Do you know for sure?” His voice was tight and she could tell he was trying to hold himself together.

   “I went to the doctor. She said that she wanted to see me again on Friday. She couldn’t ...say for sure.”

   “What time is your appointment?”

   “11:45.”

   “Can I come with you? I'll leave work, I'll come meet you at the doctor's office.”

   Avanda nodded.

   Ewan pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on her head as he held her.

   “I don’t think we’re going to get good news.” She said, her arms wrapping around his waist. “I don’t- I’m sorry.”

   “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Ewan said, kissing her hair. “Nothing.”

   “I should have told you-”

   “Stop.” Ewan said softly, shaking his head, “Just, stop. You didn’t do anything wrong in any of this. That’s not how this works. I love you, and I’m going to stay right here with you, the whole time. And if we don’t get good news on Friday, then so be it. I’ll still be right here with you.”

   Avanda said nothing. She just stood there, crying. He was the only reason she was still standing. Her legs had given out a while ago now, leaving her leaning against him. He didn’t waver as he held her.

   “And if we do get good news on Friday,” He said as he ran his fingers through her hair, “Then you and I are going to be in for one hell of an adventure, Lass."

********

            Ewan squeezed her hand tightly as they waited for the doctor to say something, anything.

           "Well?"

           "I'm very sorry, Miss Alistarion."

            Ewan let go of her hand, pulling her into his arms as tightly as he could as she wailed, her hands scrabbling against his bullet proof vest.

            And just as quickly as the joy had come in, it had been swept away again. Hopes that neither of them had really realized that they had were dashed away, dreams that they never knew they had dreamed were shattered; leaving them clinging to each other and sobbing in the doctor's office.

[hermannsthumb]

more newt/herms secret relationship as professors???

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

what about.......accident secret relationship.......a classique

————————————————–————————————

Newt’s alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet when Newt–much to his disappointment, because he’s earned a decent sleep, thank you–blinks awake to the hazy grey light of dawn and the bedroom curtains wafting in the wind. Not just the wind; the rain, too. Newt can see it pattering against the glass panes of the window and steadily drenching the windowsill, can hear the gentle roll of thunder outside. Hermann’s gonna have a hissy fit later when he finds out Newt left the window open.

It’s not enough time to fall back asleep before Newt has to wake up for it to be worth it, so he reaches out and swats off the clock with a groan. Hermann’s still asleep next to him, chest moving up and down lightly, his bedhead and creased pajama shirt making him look uncharacteristically rumpled. It’s cute. Like always. He’s missed a button on the pajama shirt (striped, and with matching bottoms, the grandpa). Probably because he did it back up in the dark the night before, even after Newt went to all the trouble of coaxing him out of it.Hermann hates things that are uneven or in disarray. Newt debates re-buttoning it for him, but wonders if that’s bordering some sort of line between cute and creepy. He’s halfway to Hermann’s collar before he can stop himself when Hermann finally stirs and squints at Newt’s outstretched hand, then glances over his shoulder at the alarm clock. “Is now really the time,” he says, voice rough with sleep, and Newt’s amazed he’s managed to muster up that much disdain when he’s been conscious for barely five seconds. “I know for a fact you have a class in half an hour.”

“Not today, man,” Newt says, and when Hermann moves to sit up he tugs him back down under the comforter. Hermann makes a single token huff, but doesn’t protest; their apartment is freezing, thanks to the open window (which Newt is regretting now), and especially compared to the bed, which Newt has insisted on overstocking with pillows and blankets. Newt immediately latches onto him and intertwines their legs, rubbing a socked foot on Hermann’s bare calf. “I’m totally cancelling it.”

“It’s only raining.”

“You’re totally cancelling yours, too,” Newt continues, and when Hermann makes an affronted noise, Newt nuzzles against his throat until it morphs into something that’s more of a pleased purr. “It’s gross out, and we’ll have to ride the train all wet and cold, and teach all wet and cold–”

“Lazy,” Hermann mumbles. He drags his fingers through Newt’s hair. “Selfish. Shirking your duties because you don’t feel like finding your umbrella.”

“I’ll make blueberry pancakes,” Newt says, between kisses to Hermann’s mouth, which is creeping up into a smile. It doesn’t take much to convince Hermann to stay in on days like today; the quick change in air pressure does a number on Hermann’s hip, to say nothing of the migraines and joint stiffness that occasionally tag along with it . Today doesn’t seem like a migraine day, but Hermann’s body does seem a little tenser than usual already. Luckily, Newt has a solution for that. “You can take a hot shower. I’ll just send off one tiny quick little email–”

“Bath,” Hermann continues to mumble.

“You can take a hot bath,” Newt corrects. “And I’ll send off one tiny quick little email and explain to our classes something very important came up.”

Hermann drags him down by a fistful of hair into a proper kiss. When he speaks, his voice is rough and low. “Mm. Shut the bloody window, too, before you draw me a bath. And dry off the windowsill. The wood will warp.”

Hermann has the incredible ability to order Newt around and somehow still make it sound like pillow talk. (And he’s the one calling Newt lazy.) “Yes, of course, right away, Dr. Gottlieb,” Newt says sarcastically. He gets a sharp tug on his hair–which Hermann was still clenching–for his troubles. “Ow.”

“And tea,” Hermann says, and releases Newt. “If you wouldn’t mind, of course, my love. But the email first.”

Luckily, they have pre-organized email groups of their class rosters, so all Newt has to do is copy over the ones for Hermann’s 10:15 and his own two and type up the promised Tiny Quick Little Email (Dr. Gottlieb and I won’t be able to make it to campus today, lectures are canceled, go over last night’s assigned reading for two days from now, come to office hours tomorrow if you have any questions, bla bla bla, -Dr. G & Dr. G) before tying on his apron and getting started on the pancakes.

It doesn’t occur to Newt until the following morning that he probably should’ve sent separate emails. Newt’s own students are used to his haphazard scheduling and correspondence and general vague unprofessionalism by this point (single word replies, labs moved back by weeks, office hours that change on Newt’s whims), but there’s no way Hermann’s students are, and there’s no way some random email from the guy with tattoos always hanging around their professor is going to seem legitimate. Whatever–it’s their own fault if they showed up to class anyway. 

Hermann hangs around Newt’s office long enough to hold his latte for him as Newt unwinds his long scarf. “I don’t know how you can stand this rubbish,” Hermann declares, wrinkling his nose as a bit of steam drifts from the lid. “It’s too sweet. And–orange.”

“Stop whining and try some,” Newt says, wriggling out of his jacket (corduroy and oversized, old Hanukkah gift from Hermann to replace his leather jacket that perished in Hong Kong). “It’s good.”

“It’s orange,” Hermann repeats.

Newt spent ten years living with rationing, goddamn it. If he wants to drink shitty overpriced seasonal coffee, he’s going to drink shitty overpriced seasonal coffee. “Just try a little,” Newt says. He inches up in front of Hermann, wrapping one hand over Hermann’s on the coffee cup and lifting it to his own mouth, where he takes a sip, then pushes it to Hermann’s. He lowers his voice. “You like pumpkin.”

“I liked the pumpkin scones you made last year,” Hermann murmurs. “I don’t really think that extends to–”

There’s a knock on the door. “Dr. Geiszler?”

Newt takes the coffee with a wink and steps back. “Come in,” he says.

It’s one of his first year students, bright-eyed and still clinging to the persistent desire to make a good impression, probably here for the office hours Newt offered up in his email. “I was wondering if we could, uh,” her eyes dart to Hermann, pink-faced, disheveled Hermann, whose gaze hasn’t left Newt’s mouth, then dart back to Newt, “discuss the reading? There were a few parts that confused me.”

“Of course,” Newt says, and flashes her a smile. “Pull up a chair. Dr. Gottlieb was just leaving.”

“Yes,” Hermann says, quickly. “I’ll be off. Er–until later, Newton. Dr. Geiszler.”

He books it out of there. Back in the lab, people used to catch them getting up to shenanigans daily, so this is nothing really all that new for them, but this is the first time it’s happened on campus. Not that they were doing anything besides flirting. Newt’s student looks guilty nonetheless, so Newt works some quick damage control.

“Did you have a nice day off yesterday?” he says.

“I did,” she says, and then looks guiltier. “Um. I hope you didn’t have to cancel for anything serious.”

“Nah,” Newt says, and gives her another smile, warmer this time. It’s weird having college kids be this nervous around him. Most of the time, his students barely even bother calling him Doctor. “Dr. Gottlieb and I had, uh–important research stuff to do. The new paper we’re collaborating on. What were you confused about?”

“You and Dr. Gottlieb spent the day together?” the girl says, eyebrows jumping. 

Newt doesn’t blame her for being surprised: their rivalry is pretty infamous on campus. “We did,” Newt says, and, hoping to cut off any questions about specifics, because he’s a terrible on-the-spot liar and would really like to not confess to making out on a couch with the entire contents of their DVR playing in the background. “The reading?”

“Right,” she says.

“Thanks to you,” Hermann declares that evening as they walk to their metro stop, arm-in-arm, “I had to field twenty bloody questions about why Dr. Geiszler was emailing for me, and why I was out, and if I was sick, and if Dr. Geiszler was sick–”

“What’d you tell them?” Newt says, grinning.

“I told them I spent the day with my husband,” Hermann sniffs, “and that the rest of it is my own personal, private business, and that it was inappropriate to bring it up in class so I would appreciate it if they stopped.”

“How romantic, Hermann,” Newt says. He bumps their elbows together. “Hey, you wanna stop somewhere for dinner? I don’t feel like cooking tonight.”

“Mm. Where?”

“There’s a good ramen place a stop up,” Newt says. He went there for lunch the other day, one of those days when Hermann doesn’t have to come to campus. “Fucking good buns, too. My treat.” He grins again. “To make up for your invasion of privacy, or whatever.”

“Fewer dishes to wash,” Hermann relents. “Alright, then. Lead the way.”

Dinner goes swimmingly, for the most part–they bicker, they each get a large bowl of ramen, and split enough vegetable buns to make the ramen unnecessary, and Newt even talks Hermann (who regularly scorns all beer not German-made) into trying one of the less familiar brews from the menu. Newt’s only regret is that they apparently chose the same night to eat out as did half of the university students, which means, of course, they’re seated directly across from a large table of a combination of both of their students who won’t stop taking peeks at them and whispering. Including the girl who stopped into Newt’s office this morning. The kids’ behavior is more bewildered than anything else, but when Newt reaches over the table and plucks half a bun from where it dangles between Hermann’s lips to eat for himself, they’re suddenly interrupted by a cleared throat.

One of Hermann’s students. “Howdy, guys,” Newt says through his mouthful of bun. “Whas’up?”

“Hi, Dr. Gottlieb,” the student says, ignoring Newt pointedly.

“Hello,” Hermann says. “Er. Is there something you need?” His eyes dart over to Newt. “I’m a bit–busy, at the moment.”

“How’s your husband?” the kid says.

Newt snorts. “He’s fine?” he cuts in. “Thanks for asking.”

“If you don’t mind,” Hermann says, politely, covering Newt’s hand with his own and patting, “we’re trying to have dinner–”

“Oh, of course,” Newt’s student says. She smiles. “Wouldn’t want to ruin your date.”

“So, that was weird,” Newt says. “I thought modern kids were supposed to be–I don’t know. Statistically not assholes about that kind of stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” Hermann says. He spits toothpaste into the sink, and Newt (fresh from his shower) scootches up behind him and grabs hold of his tiny waist. He’s wearing Newt’s sweatshirt to bed tonight. Fucking cutie.

“Dude, they were totally making fun of us.”

Hermann hums skeptically. “Oh, I don’t know. They’ve never in class,” he says. “I talk about excursions with my husband all the time. They’ve never–well, ridiculed me before.”

“Must just be me,” Newt says. (Hermann’s definitely too good for Newt; Newt’s never denied it. Too hot for Newt, too smart for Newt.) He kisses Hermann’s neck. “Sorry I’m not some rich, sexy bodybuilder like you deserve, baby.”

“I’m glad you’re not a rich bodybuilder,” Hermann says. He smiles at Newt in the mirror, lifts Newt’s hand to his lips to kiss the back of his knuckles. “And you’re already distressingly gorgeous. Now take me to bed.”

Newt doesn’t have to be told twice.

Newt has a gaggle of students waiting outside his office for him the next morning when he trudges up, corduroy jacket zipped up to his neck, another seasonal coffee in hand. It’s just him; Hermann’s bypassed their usual early office makeouts to catch up on grading tests instead. Totally boring. (He made sure to steal some of Newt’s coffee before he ducked out. He’s finally developing a taste for it, apparently, much to Newt’s annoyance that it’s at his expense.) “Hey,” Newt says. They part just enough for him to wriggle past to unlock his door. “You guys need to discuss the reading?” He really didn’t think it was complicated enough to warrant all this.

“You’re having an affair with Dr. Gottlieb,” one of the kids announces.

Newt drops his keys. “What?”

Four identical disdainful stares. Newt sighs. 

“Okay,” he says. He stoops to pick up the keys. “Inside.”

Three of his students accept his offer of black coffee from the dusty old Keurig he keeps in the closet and the chocolate digestives he digs from his top desk (stocked here for Hermann, he has to specially order them from some weird British website, the primadonna) while the fourth--the girl from yesterday--merely crosses her arms and levels Newt with a suspicious stare. Newt crosses his arms. “Okay,” he says. “You think I’m having an affair with Dr. Gottlieb?”

“You took a day off together,” a boy pipes up, “and lied about what you did.”

“You said you and Dr. Gottlieb were working on a paper,” the first girl says.

“Dr. Gottlieb said he spent the day with his husband,” the boy continues. “You sent a joint email, so we know that’s a lie. You had to have been together.”

“And I saw you flirting in here yesterday morning,” the girl says. “Over dinner, too, at the ramen place down the street.”

“Mmhmm,” Newt says. He nods, and pretends to rub at his chin in thought. The weird incident at dinner yesterday suddenly makes a fuck-ton more sense. “This is all very compelling evidence. If you’re already sure I’m having an affair with him, why bother confronting me?”

“To talk you out of it,” a third student pipes up. They lean forward in their seat. “Dr. Gottlieb digs his husband, Dr. G. It’s not right.”

“Of course,” Newt says. He nods again, then leans back in his chair and kicks his boots up on his desk. “Okay, rebuttal: I can’t be having an affair with Dr. Gottlieb because I’m the husband he’d be cheating on.”

“What?” two of the kids say.

Newt laughs. He just assumed it was common knowledge at this point. “We’ve been married for ten years, guys. They did a whole article about us. You could’ve Googled it.” 

Newt gets very sincere apologies, at least, as well as reassurances that Hermann is clearly deeply in love with him (and that sure is an ego boost), and his visitors very quickly flee without even so much as offering to clean out their mugs. Still grinning to himself a bit, he shoots Hermann a quick text: why didn’t you tell me you were married?

What on Earth are you talking about? comes Hermann’s reply. 

Newt sends a few heart emoticons. tell u later. luv u xxxx

Hermann allows him a single heart emoticon in response.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 5

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.8k. -this may look like a love triangle but ill do my best not to turn it into one. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

-this hasn’t been updated in forever but i love writing this. it’s really just for fun. i know no one really reads but idk i just cant give up on that fic. btw the gifs are older just because this happens right after hiatus starts.

-THE PART IN ITALIC IS A FLASHBACK

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 5 : Her chapter 

Olivia

It was a weird dream that woke me up but as soon as my eyes opened, I forgot about it. I blinked a few times, trying to wake myself up completely, but I could still feel how tired I was and I knew that as soon as i'd move, a thumping headache would make my day even worse.

Niall was close to me, his face only a few inches from mine, and he was still asleep. I tried to breathe in and out slowly from my nose to be sure I wouldn't literally poison him with my bad beer breath. The aftertaste was still invading my buds but I tried not to think about it as my eyes roamed on Niall's face. The memories from the past night came back to my mind and I tried to remember every single detail and emotion that took me over but the only thing that seemed to echo in my head was how I literally told my best friend I loved him and always have.

Slowly, I brought my hand to his cheek and let my fingertips brush against his skin, allowing the feelings I had for him to flood me, almost drowning me, as I stared at him.

"I was talking about you, idiot."

My voice was so low I could barely hear myself and my own words made my heart jump hard in my chest. I don't remember ever telling anyone outloud that I loved Niall. Most of the time, I pushed the feelings deep down my stomach and covered it with other kind of emotions. It was true, I couldn't deal with how I felt and I didn't want to. I knew that if I allowed myself to fully love him and hope for him, I would never heal from him. I was convinced the best way to remain happy was to ignore how i feel for him and focus on something else but once in a while, very very rarely, I let the feelings invade me.

He was pretty and it was even more obvious from up close. My fingers moved down to his chin and I let my thumb brush on his bottom lip. Sometimes, I really wanted to kiss him and this was one of those times. We had kissed once at a party when we were younger, but playing 'spin the bottle' was not really the experience I wanted and If I was honest, it only made everything worse for me.

He snored lightly and it made me jump and smile as I took my hand away but kept on staring at him. It was still dark in the room, even if the sun was slightly peeking through the curtain, but I could see his traits perfectly.

"It was always you and it will always be you."

Once again, I had whispered so low I was not even sure of what I had said but it made him wiggle gently. He let a groan escape his lips and finally sighed. I knew he was awake now and I tried to calm my heartbeats, scared that he may have heard what I said. I loved him. I loved my best friend, and it was not platonic. It was completely romantic and so deep that it felt like it was a part of me. A part that would never die, no matter how hard I would try to kill it.

He opened his eyes and they met mine, making me hold my breath. I could feel myself build my wall again, bringing torpor and numbness back as I hid my deepest and most intense feelings on the other side, away from anyone's sight, even mine.

"Hey you." he let out before clearing his throat. "Slept well?"

I sent him a smile but just nodded. I was not ready to talk just yet, scared that my voice would break.

"Migraine? Nausea? A feeling of emptiness?"

I chuckled and raised my nose up in a grimace, bringing my hand over my mouth.

"A little bit of all of this."

He let out a low laugh, still staring at me.

"And a bad breath, i'm guessing." he joked, glancing at my hand.

"Perhaps."

He looked at me with an amused grin for a while and finally sat up, grabbing my hand and moving it away from my face.

"You should take a shower. You reek." he pointed out, making me roll my eyes. "And brush your teeth, will you? I'll wait for you downstairs with coffee. Just coffee."

With a loud sigh, I nodded again and got off the bed, not really remembering how I got into Niall's clothes, but I decided not to ask.

"I'm gonna need clean clothes, can I borrow some of yours?"

I had barely finished my sentence when he threw new sweatpants and a navy blue shirt. It made my lips curl and I grabbed them, walking around the bed and closer to him.

"Thank you!"

I grabbed his face with one hand, squeezing it and twisting his lips. He didn't push me away but let out an annoyed groan when I grossly kissed his cheek. He moved his head to get out of my grip and it made me laugh.

"Shower! You stink!"

With a louder laugh, I walked past him and locked myself in the bathroom adjacent to his bedroom. I took my clothes off and started the water mechanically, my mind still trying to retrieve the events of the night before, but it's only when I turned the water off that I remembered Harry being very close to me, close enough to kiss me.

The memory brought warmth to my cheeks and a stupid grin on my lips. Yes, i loved Niall and I always will, but it didn't mean I couldn't have feelings for anyone else, and I couldn't lie and pretend I didn't feel something for Harry. But Harry was not just anyone, and I was well aware of that. Not only was he my best friend's bandmate and close mate, but he was also one of the most conveited boy in the world and that could be annoying. I pushed that thought away and got out of the shower, quickly drying myself. I dressed back into Niall's clothes and rushed downstairs only to find him sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. I quickly grabbed a mug and poured myself one too before joining him, sitting in front of him.

"Why are you smiling so big?" he asked with a frown, an amused smile gracing his lips.

"Last night, Harry and I almost, kissed, didn't we?"

I bit my bottom lip still staring at him and noticed his smile fall down as soon as I mentioned his friend's name. I was not sure if I was hallucinating but it really seemed like Niall didn't want me to get close to Harry. I grabbed my cup again and took an other sip of coffee as I tried to make sense of the events of the night before until it suddenly hit me.

"You.. you're the one who stopped it."

Niall's gaze dropped to his own mug and seemed incredibly interested in it as I talked. I could read the guilt all over his face yet I also felt an aura of annoyance around him and it made me frown again. I felt suddenly hurt and slightly betrayed. My lips parted as I stared at him, waiting for his eyes to meet mine but he kept staring down at his mug, turning it around with both hands in a nervous manner.

"You were totally shit-faced, Liv." He simply expressed, as if it was an obvious reason. He talked slowly, trying to make me feel like I was being irrational but it didn't work this time.

"Why did you do that, Niall?" I asked in a breath, gripping the side of the table as anger was filling my insides. "Why won't you let me have a fucking glimpse of happiness?" I kept going, getting angrier by the second. "You think I don't deserve it? To be happy?"

I watched as his lips became smaller and I could sense him becoming furious too but I didn't care. He owed me an explanation and I was going to get it. After everything he had said to me about Harry and I in the past few days, I felt unworthy. It was the very first time in my entire life that Niall made me feel like shit.

"That's it? I don't deserve happiness?" I repeated, waiting a few seconds before to add. "Answer me!"

The palm of his hand hit the table and I jumped, surprised by his unlikely behavior. My lips parted and I stared at him until he inhaled deeply, still avoiding my eyes.

"He doesn't deserve you! Okay?" he explained a bit too loud, finally looking up and diving his gaze in mine. "He doesn't deserve you and he's gonna play you and he's gonna hurt you! He doesn't deserve someone like you!"

Although not the reason I expected, I quickly let out the air I had kept in my lungs. My eyes filled with tears and there was nothing I could do about it. I was crying, tears falling down my cheeks and slipping on my neck, tickling my skin as I tried to swallow the lumps in my throat. I didn't even try to wipe them, I just allowed them to fall, knowing it wouldn't change anything.

"Well, that was not your call to make, Niall." I let out in a calm tone after a minute of silence. "It wasn't your decision to take. And you have no right to decide who deserves to be with who."

I got up slowly, hearing my chair make a screeching noise and turned around to go back to his room. I got up the stairs slowly but confidently and when I reached the top, I heard his chair too.

"Liv, please, wait." he just let out with a sigh, following me upstairs.

I ignored him, my eyes roaming around to find my clothes as I took his off and grabbed the dirty ones that I wore to the bar. I noticed him stare for a few seconds at me before shaking his head and looking away. He finally shook his hand and turned back to me again, taking a few steps closer.

"Liv, come on." he pressed, reaching for my wrist as I tried to take my shirt off. "I'm sorry, okay? I really am."

I closed my eyes and breathed in, trying to focus on my heartbeats to bring them back to a normal speed. I was hurt and sad and I felt betrayed, but in the end, Niall was my best friend, and even if he did it the wrong way, he was trying to spare me pain and I couldn't stay mad at him for that. Slowly, I turned to him and my eyes met his, making my heart jump in my chest. He felt guilty, I could read it all over his face, and I ended up sighing again and shaking my head.

"I want you to stop getting between Harry and I." I pointed out. "I want you to let me live what I have to live with him. You made it clear what you thought, now let me handle it from here."

His eyes roamed on my face and I felt my skin burn from his intense gaze. There was nothing I hated more than Niall and I fighting. It hadn't happened a lot in the many years we were friends but it seemed to be recurrent in the past days. When it came to Harry and I, Niall had a hard time to mind his own business and I still didn't understand why.

"Okay."

It seemed like it took him a lot of effort to let out this simple word but he kept holding my wrist gently as we stared at each other. I had failed in trying to get my heart beating to a normal pace but I just blinked a few times as I looked at him.

"I'm serious, Niall." I insisted, trying to keep my voice calm and collected. "Promise me."

I felt his grip tighten slightly and he shut his eyes tight before opening them again.

"I promise."

His words made my heart lighter and It seemed like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders. I let out the air I didn't even know I was holding and let him pull me closer by my wrist, wrapping his arms around my neck and holding me close to him. Both his arms were locked tightly around me and I felt secure and safe the way only he could make me feel. I closed my eyes, still pressed against him, and let my arms slide around his waist and gripping his shirt in his back.

"I'm sorry again." he whispered close to my ear, his breath brushing against my cheek. "I mean it. I really am."

I was glad he didn't try to justify himself. I always knew that Niall's apologies were genuine and real. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it and that in itself was relieving. He pulled away after a few minutes and looked down in my eyes, raising his eyebrows. I swallowed the lump in my throat as he kept his hands on my shoulders.

"Why don't you invite him over tonight?" he proposed, making me suddenly nervous. "We could drink, have a chat and I could show you that I respect my promises."

I tilted my head and licked my lips, feeling nervous suddenly at the thought of Harry and Niall on the same room. They were close, like brothers, so it wouldn't be the first time, but I still feared what could happen and I was not sure I was ready for it. I probably looked hesitant because he moved his face closer to mine.

"I just want you to be happy." he admitted in a low but soft tone. "You do deserve it, you deserve happiness more than anyone I know."

I felt my heart skip a beat and my lips curled into a fond smile. That was the Niall I knew, one that I hadn't seen much in the past few days.

"Okay, I'll text him."

When the doorbell rang, I rushed to the door, meeting Harry's soft and smiling face. I immediately mirrored his grin and took a step back to let him in, moving my arm to invite him. I closed the door and when I turned around, he was facing me and staring at me.

"Are you sure you want to stay in tonight?"

I sent him a bigger smile, touched by how caring he was, and finally nodded. I wanted to show Niall I forgave him but also let him show me he was really sorry.

"I mean, it's going to be fun, i made jello shots and we can watch movies and talk." I explained just as Niall walked in the living room with beers.

"And she doesn't even like jello."

Harry chuckled and shrugged as he took a beer from Niall's hands, opening it quickly.

"Well, except for the cherry flavored one."

I glanced at Niall who was frowned but my eyes quickly found Harry's again. He was smirking and once again, I noticed the dimples in his cheeks pop up. He took a sip from his beer keeping his eyes on me and that stupid mischevious smile on his lips and I could swear I felt my whole face burn at the memory invading my head.

"I'm hungry." I pointed out drunkenly, turning to Harry in-between two intense moments of laughter. "What's in the fridge?"

Almost jumping off the couch, Harry rushed to the fridge as I started laughing again. I had no idea where Niall and the others went but the tour bus was empty except for us two and we had decided getting drunk was the only interesting thing to do. I had opened up to him a lot, probably because of how much alcohol was running in my body, and I didn't even mind. For some reason I couldn't understand, I wanted to be close to him. Not just physically but mostly mentally.

"Okay I got this!" he yelled, letting himself fall next to me and bringing the bowl closer to my face.

I immediately grimaced and moved my head back. It actually smelled good but I was never a fan of jello. It tasted to artificial to me and I honestly didn't see the point. The texture was not my favorite either.

"Jello? Yuk."

His eyebrows raised and his lips parted, making me burst into laughter again. The only thing I remember thinking is how cute he was.

"You can not not like cherry jello, Liv." he noted. "I'm pretty sure it's against the law."

i raised my nose again and chuckled.

"Yea no, that's not against the law, or i'd be in jail."

"But it's delicious!"

To prove his point, he took a piece with his hand and pushed it in his mouth as I watched.

"Itch debichious!" he tried to mumble, his mouth full, making me laugh even more. "Come on, try it. For me?" he asked with puppy eyes after swallowing.

I groaned low and finally shrugged, giving in. In fact, I felt the need to agree with him if only to watch his smile again. Disappointing him was something I couldn't bear and although I knew it was probably because I was intoxicated, I couldn't help but think it was also a bit because of the feelings I was developing for him. And they were growing fast.

"Okay, why not?"

His lips curled more and he suddenly seemed excited. My eyes followed his hand as he grabbed an other piece and brought it to my mouth. It wobbled between his fingers and I opened my lips slightly as he pushed the bouncy piece in my mouth. I stopped laughing immediately when his thumb brushed on my bottom lip, making a shiver cross my back. It lingered there and I could swear he could hear my heart beating against my rib cage. His palm pressed against my jaw and my eyes dropped to his lips. I could swear he was going to kiss me. When he moved closer, I almost forgot I had jello in my mouth and choked on it, coughing as I tried to swallow what was left in my mouth. All I could think about was that the moment was over and I would remember this as the time I didn't kiss Harry Styles.

"Yea, the cherry one isn't so bad, but it really reminds me of how good I am at ruining moments."

Harry's smile turned into a fond one as I walked past him to go sit on the couch, moving my feet up to bring them close to me and taking a long sip of my beer. Harry joined me and I wiggled a bit on the couch to face him as Niall came back with the shots, placing them on the coffee table.

"What's the story about?"

I inhaled and shrugged as if it was no big deal and glanced at Harry again.

"It was one night you were probably out with the others boys?" I guessed. "I can't remember."

"No no, we were in Australia," Harry corrected me. "You had left with that girl you were shagging, what's her name again?"

My smile fell down immediately and I realized that was probably why I had erased that information from my brain. It was not like Niall was the type of guy to sleep around but being aware of his sexual encounters really bugged me. I tried to be a good friend but at the same time, the feelings I had for him also seemed to surface at some point, even if I tried to bury them as deeply as possible. It was worse when it came to girls he'd see regularly.

"Okay, how about these shots now?" I expressed a little louder than intended, not giving Niall time to answer.

I extended my whole body to reach a red shot and tried to ignore the two boys who were staring at me. I couldn't see, but I could feel their eyes burning me. I pressed the plastic cup a bit and threw my head back. I felt the gelatin fall on my tongue and I chewed it quickly. It tasted like cherry vodka, which is what I had used to make them, and I grimaced slightly.

"Okay, truth or dare?"

My eyes found Harry and my heart tried to escape from my chest as I realized the game we were about to play. I held my breathe for as long as I could but Harry raised his eyebrows at me to incite me to pick.

"Uhm, truth."

"How many people did you have sex with?"

I looked at him slightly surprised and tilted my head. I was a bit surprised he'd get into the sex questions so soon in the game but I decided to play along.

"You know, Styles, you should never ask a question that you wouldn't be able to answer yourself." My answer made him laugh and my lips curled more. "Seven."

It was his time to be surprised and I chuckled. I thought he'd explain why my number seemed so shocking but it's Niall who actually made a comment.

"Seven? Wait, how come do I only know three of them?"

I turned to him and grabbed an other shot, once again quickly chewing on it before licking my lips. These jello shots were better than I thought they'd be and I grabbed two more, handing them to the boys sitting close to me. I didn't want to be the only one to get drunk and it seemed like they weren't really thirsty.

"Mm, I don't know, Nee. Maybe because you never asked." I explained, moving my eyes to meet his and sending him a smile.

The truth was probably that I didn't want him to know. I regretted most of these sexcapades and I tried to forget most of them, just like I tried to erase his sex stories from my brain.

"Okay, my turn." I let out, once again not giving time to Niall to ask me the questions burning his lips. "Truth or dare?"

[calligraphist-artemisia]

Across Time and Space (Chapter 1)

Summary: Sequel to I’ll Take Her Place.  Slav is showing off a piece of experimental equipment, when it malfunctions and blasts Katie and Keithir to another universe. At the same time, it drags Pidge and Keith over into theirs, effectively swapping places. With their fate resting in the hands of Slav, will they be able to get back home? Or are they stuck to live the rest of their lives in the wrong universe?

Also posted on AO3 and fanfiction.net under the username “kishirokitsune”.

Chapter 1

After eight years of marriage, Katie didn't need their bond as paladins to tell when Keithir was frustrated by something. She tried to hide her amusement as he sighed, glaring at the back of Slav's head as he rambled on about something he called a “trans-reality extrapolater”. (She honestly wasn't sure what Slav was talking about anymore. Sometimes it was best to just smile and nod.)

Katie gently nudged Keithir's arm to get his attention and then mouthed the word “sorry”.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, then leaned down to kiss the top of her head. Some of his frustration ebbed away, but not enough to keep it from his voice as he addressed Slav. “Is there a point to any of this?”

The tiny, eccentric genius turned and gave Keithir a withering stare. “I was just about to explain it and then you interrupted!”

“Sorry, Slav,” Katie apologized placatingly. “We just have some plans that we're eager to get to, is all. This is our first vacation alone together in a few years.”

Slav begrudgingly accepted that as a worthy answer. “Then I'll be brief. This device will allow us a glimpse into other realities! I've gotten it to work a number of times for me so far, though never the same one twice. You see, its all highly dependent on numerous variables like weather patterns, star placement, what food you've eaten, time of day, humidity, how many times you flip the blue switch, the color of your socks...”

They let Slav ramble on for a moment and then Katie cleared her throat.

“You're saying that there's no way to pick the exact reality that you get to see,” she said, redirecting him back to the topic.

“Precisely!” Slav agreed. “It's all very fascinating and I'm sure with a few more tests, I'll have it figured out in no time! So, do you want to try?”

Katie hesitated. “Are you sure it's safe?”

“Are you saying you doubt my technological achievement?”

Yes. Katie kept that thought to herself. “Of course not, Slav. If you say it works, then it works. What do we need to do?”

Slav brightened and directed the pair to each grip one of the handles. After a moment of consideration, he flipped a few switches and twisted one of the knobs. The machine hummed to life, vibrating strangely, but Slav didn't look alarmed or worried, so Katie figured that was what it was meant to do.

“Now what?” Keithir asked warily.

Slav was about to respond when the machine emitted a popping noise and a visible spark shot out of the top. He scuttled backwards with a quiet, “oh no.”

That was the last thing Katie heard before everything went dark.

Pidge groaned as she started to wake up. Strange, considering she couldn't remember falling asleep. What was the last thing she remembered?

Something about Lotor giving up information? No, that wasn't right. Well, it wasn't wrong, but it didn't have anything to do with what she had been doing. That was Allura and Shiro; they were drilling Lotor for inside information. She was sure that Hunk was stress baking after everything that happened on Naxzela and Lance was... off doing Lance things? (Of everyone, Lance proved to be the hardest for her to predict. She assumed wherever he was and whatever he was doing, he found it relaxing.)

Pidge winced as she sat up, fighting a rush of disorientation. She reflexively reached up to adjust her glasses, but her fingers only met skin. Frowning, she looked around for them, only to find someone unexpected laying on the floor near her, slowly coming to.

“Keith!” She crawled over to him and helped him sit up, her brow furrowed in concern. “Are you alright? When did you get here?”

Keith blinked as he looked around and took in his surroundings. “Is this the Castle of Lions? How did I get here? I was just at the Blade headquarters! Kolivan called me in to--” He abruptly snapped his mouth shut and looked away from her. “Pidge, what's going on?”

“I wish I knew,” Pidge responded honestly. She forced herself to her feet, wobbling a bit as the disorientation returned. It faded quickly and she held out a hand to help Keith up. “Maybe there's something wrong with the Castle again. I bet Coran would know.”

With Pidge's help, Keith unsteadily got to his feet as well. One thing was for sure, their equilibrium had been messed up by something – likely whatever knocked them out and teleported Keith all the way from Blade headquarters. They needed to find the cause and make sure it wouldn't happen again.

“Do you think he's on the bridge?” Keith asked.

Pidge nodded. “That's the most likely place.”

They set off from the room, but didn't get far before a small figure scampered down the hall toward them. Slav froze at the sight of them and then wailed, reaching up to grip at his tufts of hair with two of his eight hands. “Oh no, it's even worse than I thought!”

Pidge gaped at him. “Slav?!”

“What the hell is going on?” Keith demanded.

Slav was too busy having a melt down to be of any use to them. Keith and Pidge likely would have ignored him and moved on to find someone who was actually helpful, except at that exact moment, Allura and Shiro rounded the corner, both looking frazzled.

And with them they brought a whole new round of questions.

Keith stared at Shiro, opening and closing his mouth for a moment, before blurting out: “What happened to your hair?”

Pidge was a little more focused on the very Altean toddler in Allura's arms. She lifted a hand to her head, already feeling the start of a migraine as her brain worked overtime to try and comprehend everything that was happening.

Allura and Shiro exchanged alarmed glances as they took in the situation. They seemed to come to an agreement through eye contact alone and then Allura was urging Slav to calm down and breathe, while Shiro walked forward to handle Pidge and Keith.

“I think it'd be better if we go someplace quiet until we figure out what's going on,” Shiro told them. “Follow me.”

Keith took a step forward, paused to make sure Pidge was coming too, and then they obediently followed Shiro to another room, both hoping he had the answers they needed.

Tears dripped down Katie's face as she knelt with her head bowed over the nearest trash bin, hoping her stomach would settle after its last wave of nausea. “I'm going to kill Slav,” she grumbled to herself.

She didn't know what the machine was supposed to do, but she doubted that knocking her out and teleporting her to a different part of the Castle of Lions was it. Her head spun and her stomach rebelled after such treatment. Worse than that, Keithir wasn't with her and she could no longer feel him through the bond they shared, which meant he was either still unconscious or had been teleported very far away.

Katie sat back and rubbed her eyes dry, no longer feeling as though she needed to throw up again. Just in case, she took a few extra doboshes to rest before getting up and starting her search for Slav.

He was probably right where she last saw him, heading into a full blown panic over the possibility of killing the crown prince of Daibazaal and his wife with his new invention, something the Galra would not take lightly.

She's feel bad for him, but a more vindictive part of her thought he deserved to panic.

Katie reached the room without running into anyone else, which was a little odd, to say the least. There was always someone around, even when they were using the Castle in her spaceship form, but they weren't due for a journey for another few phoebs!  Despite that, it wasn't until she reached the room where she last saw Slav that he began to think something was seriously wrong.

The room was completely empty. There was also a fine layer of dust coating everything, indicating that it had been quite some time since anyone was there.

Katie swallowed and backed away. She once again tried to reach Keithir through their bond, but there was nothing. With her anxiety rising, she tried to communicate with the Green Lion.

Nothing.

Katie spun on her heel and ran for the bridge. There was no time to stop and slow down, to consider the implications of what was happening. The bridge was the center of the Castle of Lions and she knew that by accessing the system there, she would be able to figure out exactly what was going on and where – or when – she was.

She kept an eye out for anyone else as she ran, but as before there was no one.

It was unsettling.

The bridge doors easily parted for her, sliding open as she approached, and it was there that she was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. Standing at the helm was the ever reliable form of Coran.

“Coran, thank the stars,” Katie breathed, hurrying over to him. “There's something really weird go-- why are we in space?” She finally slowed down to look around.

It was only Coran on the bridge. Another checkmark on her list of really weird things. And he was looking at her as though she'd grown a second head.

“Pidge?” he asked, his voice raising in alarm.

Katie took a half-step back. “Y-yes? Who else would I be, Coran?”

“But you can't be!” Coran protested, shaking his head. “You're too old to be Pidge! Who are you really?”

Katie had a sinking suspicion that she knew what was going on. And on the one hand, knowing that she was dealing with time travel brought her one step closer to not having a mental breakdown, but on the other it meant she wouldn't be able to relax until she found a way to fix things.

She took a deep breath. “Coran, it's really me. You can check! Ask me something that only I would know and I'll answer.”

Coran stared at her for a moment, his surprise hardening into suspicion.

“Coran, please. I know it sounds crazy, but I think Slav accidentally built some kind of time machine and it sent me back in time to this moment,” Katie explained, hoping he'd believe her.

He had to.

Why wouldn't he?

“I have all of the paladins ranked in order of something. What is it?” Coran asked.

“Height,” Katie responded promptly. “I'm number five.”

Coran hummed thoughtfully. “How about a harder one? I once arranged a quest for the five of you to complete. What was the goal of that quest?”

The one gave Katie pause. He'd set up a number of bizarre training exercises over the years, but it had to specifically be one after she and Keithir found the Red Lion. Unless he was counting Allura as one of the five? She had been with them for the only one she'd consider labeling a “quest”. Katie would just have to go for it and hope she was right.

“You told us there were special planets for us to train on, but all along it was to beat the monster born from the Yalexian pearl.”

“You're missing some of the details there, but close enough,” Coran agreed after a moment.

Katie exhaled softly in relief. It was hard to remember everything after so many years had passed. She'd have to hope the rest of his questions didn't rely on knowing some passing detail.

“Last question! If you're from the future, how many years does it take for us to defeat the Galra empire?”

“What?” Katie asked, flabbergasted. “That's a joke, right, Coran? We're not... we're not at war with Daibazaal. We've never been at war with them. They're our allies. Why would we...?”

With every word she spoke, Katie's dread grew. Coran wasn't smiling. The sheer wrongness of everything returned tenfold, along with a violent wave of nausea.

She took a step back, shaking her head. “No. No, this isn't right.”

Coran began walking towards her, holding his hands out in a reassuring manner, but there was something in his eyes that spoke the opposite.

Katie swallowed her queasiness and ran, thought she didn't get far. The moment she set foot past the doors, she collided with a broad chest.

“Pidge?” Shiro asked, bewildered.

“Catch her!” Coran cried out.

Katie's heartbeat was thunderous to her ears as she tried to side-step Shiro, but he was too fast. Even while taken off-guard by the sight of her and Coran's strange command, he still managed to grab her by the arm and hold her in place.

“Coran, what's going on?” Allura's voice floated down to them as she approached. “Who is-? Wait, is that Pidge?”

Katie ineffectively tried to yank her arm from Shiro's hold, but he only tightened his grip. “Please, I can explain,” she begged, twisting to face Coran. “I swear, I'm not here to hurt anyone. If you would just let me explain, maybe we can make sense of this!”

Coran's suspicion lessened as he looked at her, his gaze softening. “Perhaps it would be best if we put you down in one of the cells for now. You did just tell me that you believe we're allies with Daibazaal.”

Allura gasped sharply.

Katie nodded once and then bowed her head, refusing to let them see her cry. She'd been so relieved when she found Coran, but all she felt at that moment was terrified and alone.

Wherever she'd ended up, it certainly wasn't the past.

Keithir, she thought desperately. Where are you? Please be safe.

She sniffled as Shiro and Allura escorted her down to the Castle's holding cells. Tears prickled at her eyes.

I'm scared.

[onlyforevervoltron]

V

Later that night, Lilith and the crew went to the Castle to rest and enjoy the rest of the night by themselves. Allura took Lilith to her room while Coran took the men, Allura felt happy having a female to hang out with making Lilith roll her eyes gently. Allura showed her the room and Lilith was shocked with how roomy it was.

Lilith walks in looking around, single bed on the right side of her, a bathroom in front of her and a dresser on the left with a mirror next to it.

"I'm so happy there's another female here," Allura states to Lilith as the young blond turns to look at Allura. "I don't think I personally would have survived with just men here,"

Lilith chuckles. "Yeah, I think I agree," Lilith smiles through a yawn. "I think I'm gonna shower and call it a night if you don't mind Allura, but I would love to talk more tomorrow if that's alright?"

Allura couldn't help but smile widely. "Of course, after today, you all have tomorrow off and then we start training all of you for the battle ahead."

"Absolutely, I agree." Lilith nods as they both say goodnight to one another and Allura shuts the door.

Lilith sighs taking her zipper and strips herself from the armor that donned her body. After taking it off along with the black body suit with it, she takes it and neatly puts it on the dresser, opening up the drawer grabbing a towel, she closes the drawer walking into the bathroom with nothing but her underwear and bra on. After closing the door and sighing quietly the light turns on seeing how medium-sized the bathroom was. Pinching her lips, she walks up to the faucet of the bath turning on the water waiting for it to get warm.

Lilith turns around going up to the mirror and sees her body. She saw an olive-skinned girl with scars covering most of her upper body, a flat tummy - traveling up to her chest area, she was decent sized but she didn't care much but saw all the scars left there. With her finger, she traced a long thin line starting at the middle her collarbone and traces through the valley of her chest to the tip of her belly button.

"Too late, Shiro..." She mumbles quietly under her breath, "That idiot Iverson figured it out after you left. I tried to get away but he always seemed to find me..."

Shaking her head, Lilith walks to the shower after stripping off her undergarments and gets in feeling the heat of the water hit her cool skin. Lilith enjoyed the shower while she cleaned her skin and washed her hair. After her shower, she grabs her towel and begins drying off the excess water. After wrapping herself in the towel, she walks out of the bathroom and shrieks quietly seeing Shiro sitting on her bed looking at her book.

"Shiro..." She breathes out making sure he heard her.

Shiro looks up and then is red in the face. "I-I'm sorry, I just wanted too..." He pauses and then looks at her scars scattered over her arms and chest area. "You went through a lot didn't you?"

Lilith frowns looking down and away from him. "I - uh..." She stumbles on her words trying to explain what happened while he was gone. "I trained a lot while you were gone, trying to distract myself while you were away and um..."

Shiro shakes his head. "You don't have to explain yourself, Lil," Shiro stands up walking to her while he stops in front of her, he takes his hand putting it under her chin lifting it so he can look at her eyes. "We all have demons we have to face and this is one of them. Don't worry, nothing will ever happen to you, I'll protect you."

Lilith smiles his way. "Shiro, you... don't -"

"Paladins, it's time for bed!" Coran announces loudly. "We have a relaxing day ahead of us tomorrow, you'll need your rest!"

Shiro takes his hand away then kisses her on the hair like he normally does, whispering goodnight to her and leaves before she could tell him. When the door shuts, Lilith lets out her heavy breath. Her heart couldn't stop pounding against her chest and her stomach was in a frenzy. What was that man doing to her once more? Shutting her eyes feeling them flutter, she rips off the towel and quickly changes to the pajamas that Allura put out for her.

Laying in bed facing the wall staring at it with her green eyes, as if seeing Shiro sleeping next to her. Pinching her lips gently, she lightly curls up closing her eyes falling asleep instantly.

~

It was around the middle of the night when she heard someone shouting in the distance, jolting up quickly she gets out of her bed running to the sound. Lilith's hair was hitting her back as she ran. When she got in front of the door, the screaming was behind the door as she opened it seeing it Shiro thrashing around, screaming.

"What's -" yawns Keith walking up behind her. "- going... on." He pauses seeing Shiro thrashing around as well.

"What's he doing?" Hunk asks rubbing his eyes,

Pidge was beside Lilith rubbing her eyes as well. "Why is he screaming?"

Lilith takes a deep breath running in touching his prosthetic arm gently, while humming a song under her breath, hoping he hears it. He continues thrashing around trying to toss her off, but she held her ground. Sitting on the bed next to his head, Lilith takes her other hand and touches the tuff of white hair gently as she continues humming.

"Lilith, what are you doing?" Keith snaps at her, hoping she wouldn't get hurt.

Pidge raises a brow, thinking the same thing. But - then it dawned on her, she's doing what a mother would do when a child had a nightmare. Lilith continues humming leaning her head down touching her head against his closing her eyes. Her hair wrapped around them, covering their faces,

Lucky too, she was red in the face.

"♪ Can you be my nightingale? Sing to me, I know you're there... ♪" Lilith sang quietly, keeping her head on his. "♪ You could be my sanity, bring me peace sing me to sleep... Say you'll be my nightingale ♪" Shiro, miraculously, settled down and began breathing normally as she continues humming quietly.

Keith, Pidge, and Hunk were surprised at how well Shiro was responding to Lilith's touch and whatever she was doing. They didn't know much about Lilith, obviously, just stories that everyone told them. She normally kept to herself and did whatever she was supposed to do. Yes, she was the best pilot, other than Shiro, at the Garrison, but what else was there.

Then it dawned on them, could Lilith be in love with the leader of Voltron? How else would she just rush in there without a second thought?

When she was done, she opens her eyes letting out a small breath standing up looking at seeing everyone staring at her intently, blushing a dark shade of red. She stands up clearing her throat and walks off without saying another word.

"Go to bed now," She snapped at them without meaning too, she hated when people stared at her with no reason at all. Unless they were guessing if she was in love with Shiro.

Of course, she is

After getting back into her room, she leans against the door with a heavy sigh. Lilith had siblings who would have constant nightmares and she would always hum a song to calm them down and oddly enough, it always worked. Sighing once more, she gets back in bed laying back down while looking at the wall gently.

Closing her eyes gently, she hummed to herself gently getting herself to fall asleep herself. After a while, she felt herself drifting gently into slumber and when it finally called, Lilith was out once more.

~

The next morning, Lilith was up before six thirty, stretching her arms gently, she gets out of bed changing into her usual outfit and walks out of the room going outside to get some fresh air. Lilith takes in a deep breath smelling the dew on the grass, straightening herself up, she walks to the edge of the Castle and sits down quietly hearing the different sounds of the animals.

Lilith felt a slight breeze hit her bare skin but it was a nice breeze, wasn't too cold nor was it too hot. Why was everything here much better than Earth? It didn't smell like the air was going to murder you one day because of all the pollution, the climate change. There were so many issues that it made Lilith glad she was gone,

but what about her family?

Sighing once more, yeah, she'll miss them but she's on an adventure with the love of her life and friends. Growing up it was hard setting standards with the three older siblings, had to be better in every way, it was absolutely exhausting.

The pressure to be perfect was finally off her shoulders and it felt amazing. Lilith pushes air through her lips once more as she stands up seeing the sunrise beyond the hills.

"- Everybody up! Zarkon's attacking! The Castles about to be destroyed! Go, go, go! We need Voltron now!" Lilith gasps rushing inside to change into her uniform. She may not be a Paladin, but she will do anything to help them.

So much for a day off though...

When she got into the room, the alarms were still blaring loudly giving Lilith a small migraine. After getting dressed, into her outfit getting her into messy bun alone she rushes out of the room ignoring Coran's... lovely acting on Allura's death.

"-Oh! Time!" Coran calls out

"I guess this isn't an actual attack." Shiro questions deadpanning towards them with a heavy sigh. Lilith's eyebrow was twitching at the fake attack.

"And it's a good thing it wasn't because it took you..." Allura starts and then looks at Coran for the time they all took. "Coran?"

"Seventy-five degrees. Oh, sorry. No, this is a meat thermometer." Coran corrected himself, Lilith opened her mouth to say something sarcastic but was stopped by Allura speaking.

"However long it was, it was too long. You must always be ready to do battle with Zarkon." Allura commands them making Lilith sigh quietly. "Look at you!" Allura points at Shiro and Lilith, "Only Shiro and Lilith are in uniform. Keith, Pidge, Hunk, where are your Bayards? And where is Lance?"

Lilith could feel Shiro's eyes on her head, she turns her head to look at him with a smile on her face.

"Good job, Lil..." Shiro whispers to her making her nod then turn her head when the doors open to the bridge seeing Lance enter, looking well-rested.

"Good morning everybody." greets Lance rubbing his eyes, Lilith looks at his attire seeing him in his pajamas with... Blue Lion slippers? "What's going on?"

Shaking her head, Lilith puts a hand to her forehead gently with a loud sigh. "Oh, Lance..." She grumbles a little bit. "Seriously?"

Allura lets out a sigh once more, "Coran and I have been up for hours getting the Castle back in order." Allura explains to everyone glaring at everyone. "We had to run a test on the alarms, and we decided to test you as well. Guess which one failed."

"Hey!" yawns Hunk looking at her almost shocked. "You got to sleep for ten thousand years, man." Hunk points out to them. "Monday night, I was on Earth. Now, I've flown through space, fought some evil alien named Zarkon, eaten goo in some weird Castle." Hunk explains to everyone, Lilith makes a face nodding a little bit. "That's a lot to process in, uh... I don't know. What day is today?"

"It's the third quintant of the Spicolian movement. Hump day!"

"-It's a lot to process." Hunk lets out a heavy sigh, smacking his hand on his head.

Allura continues speaking and explaining their mission, "You must understand the stakes of our mission." She brings up a map of the universe from the Castleship's computer and displays the number of distress beacons. "Over the last ten thousand years, the Castle picked up distress beacons from the following locations. So, we have to assume that Zarkon has conquered almost the entire known universe." Allura moves the map to the Milky Way where it appears barely out of Zarkon's reach.

Suffice to say, Lilith was shocked, that was... "Earth is here. An attack on your planet is inevitable." Allura explains to them, ignoring their faces.

"Oh no..." Hunk breathes out

"Exactly. Our mission is to free all those planets. Coran and I are getting the Castle ready to leave Arus. During that time, you have to learn to form Voltron, so we can begin fighting Zarkon."

Lilith sighs defeated turning to the team admitting that Allura was right. "The Princess is right. Get going to your Lions and start training."

"Wait. But I want to talk to the prisoners we rescued from the Galra ship." Pidge told her, Lilith sighs shrugging at her friend.

Coran shakes his head, staring at Pidge. "Ah, negative, Number Six. I have you ranked by height, okay? The prisoners need to remain in the cryo-replenishers until tomorrow."

"That's right. Now, get to your Lions." With that said, the Paladins head to their Lions, donning their armor before traveling by zip-line.

~

And as for Lilith, you'd like she'd get the nice and simple end of the deal, yeah?

Wrong

Allura decided to test her through the Training Deck. Taking a deep breath, Lilith began to mentally prepare herself, she looks up seeing a Gladiator with a Polearm, smirking she readies herself. The Gladiator charges at her while she jumps in the air dodging the Polearm, landing on the ground she dodges another hit, Lilith swings her legs under the Gladiator who dodges the hit as she lands on the ground. The Gladiator attacks Lilith his Polearm once more, Lilith touches her necklace summoning her weapon blocking the hit.

~

"She's doing phenomenal," Allura was impressed with how Lilith was handling herself. "This is set for an Altean child and she's handling like it's - child's play." She continues watching the young blond fighting the Gladiator. "How is she doing this?"

"Is everything alright, Princess?" asks Coran walking in looking down seeing Lilith holding her own against the Gladiator. "... How is she doing that?"

"I... I don't know, it's like..."

~

Lilith beat the Gladiator with no problem, little cuts here and there but nothing that wouldn't heal in two seconds. Taking a deep breath, she looks up seeing Allura and Coran staring at her in shock, Lilith grins.

She walks upstairs and through the door and watches them turn around baffled.

"You took it on, and won?!"

Lilith smiles at them wondering what they meant. It was easy, right? Lilith now donned a frown wondering what they meant.

"I'm happy you got this down, and it was easy," Allura comments trying to think of what to say to make Lilith feel better. "Maybe next time we'll up the level, maybe it was too easy for you."

"Possibly," sighs Lilith wondering what she meant, but Lilith was happy she could at least defend herself. Looking at her weapon, she changed it back to the necklace. "Anything else for me to do?"

  "Um..." Allura begins trying to think. "Yeah! Why don't you try and fix this for me, Pidge is busy and I thought you could change it,"

Lilith blinks and takes the part and looks back at Allura and sighs. "Sure, I'll do my best."

~

A/N: Another chapter done, the beginning of Episode Two, yay! What do you think?

PART SIX: VI

[queen-syko]

Misha Collins x Reader: Coffee

Author: Francesca Roman

Warnings: Cursing, Light Smut, Ignorance

Word Count: 2,000+

. . . .

It was a cool fall morning. My eyes flutter open as I hear thunder shake the whole house. Yet another stormy morning in Vancouver, Canada. I didn't want to get out of the warm comfort of my bed but I had no other choice. I had to get up and get ready for another wacky day on the set of Supernatural. I sat up in my bed, stretching my arms above my head then grabbing my phone off of the bedside table, putting in my password, then turn my wifi back on.

Immediately, notifications from Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and my emails start filing through my screen as expected. I was fixated on my emails more than everything else because that's how I communicate with my work and coworkers (call me old fashioned). None of the emails caught my attention then my eyes traveled up to the time.

I felt my eyes bulge out of my head and quickly jump out of bed, leave my phone on my bed then rush into my bathroom which was connected to my bedroom. I started stripping my clothing from my body then turned on the shower. I have to wait for the water to warm up so I looked into my mirror and noticed I was starting to get a couple pimples on my face.

I huffed then took my toothbrush and squeezed out some Colgate toothpaste onto the bristles. I start brushing my teeth and tongue. I heard my cell start ringing and jogged over to my bed with my toothbrush still in my mouth. I pressed the answer button and held it up to my ear. "Hello." I muffled walking back into the bathroom to rinse my toothbrush and mouth.

"Hey Y/n, I know you're running late so don't even sweat it because I am too. How about I pick you up and we ride together so we don't have to get shitted on one by one?" I smiled as Osric's voice sounded through my speaker. I spit out the toothpaste and extra saliva into the sink and said, "Yeah sure, thanks buddy. Hopefully we won't get shitted on at all."

I rinsed my mouth with water then mouthwash as Osric went on about why we shouldn't get in trouble. "Okay dude, I gotta get in the shower you know where I live. Thanks, see you in a little bit." He laughed and said, "Okay bye buddy." Then I hung up and threw my phone on my bed. I got into the shower, cringing back as the extremely hot water runs down my body.

I adjust the water then begin to wash my hair and body. I shave my legs, accidently cutting my ankle from going to quick along my skin with the razor. I rinse my body and hair once more before washing my face to try and help with the acne problem. I shut my spout off then get out of the shower. I wrap my soaking wet body with a fluffy blue towel. I walk over to my closet and pull out a pair of black leggings and an over sized t shirt. I walk over to my dresser and pull out a pair of socks, underwear, and a bra.

I dry myself off and put a bandaid on my razor cut and put on my undergarments. I slide the over sized shirt over my head the put on my black leggings. I put my socks on then slide on a pair of brown boots. I grab the towel and dry my hair almost all the way. I brush it out of the way, into the nicest style I could come up with right now.

I grab my phone and bag the shut off my lights in my bedroom and bathroom then walked down my stairs. The weather outside was still horrible. Thunder and lightening was coming thicker with each passing minute. I hear a beep outside my house and open the door after grabbing a raincoat. I put on my coat and pull the hood over my head. I close and lock my door then run over to the big black suv. I oped the door and sat next to Osric.

The suv pulled foward and started driving down the street. "Maybe we should move in together since we're always late." Osric said looking at me. "Nice outfit by the way. Who bought you that t shirt?" I looked down at my shirt sighed. I forgot this shirt had I ♡ Misha on the front. "Shut up." I mumbled then laid my head against the window and waited for us to be dropped off.

About ten minutes later Osric and I walked through the set doors, immediately getting looks from some of the crew members. "Well look what the cat dragged in. Nice t shirt by the way." A snide voice sounded from the set in front of us. It was Hailey Spencer. She is playing as a guest star. She happens to be one of the girls I hated in high school. "Blow me Hailey. At least I look better than you for being late."

The words left my mouth before I could think. I heard covered laughter coming from the guys around me. Hailey didn't say anything she just glared at me and started talking to one of the stunt guys again. Osric and I parted ways. He was being dragged off to make up while I was being dragged off to wardrobe. I quickly dressed into Finley's clothing then walked over to hair and make up.

They restyled my hair then put on a quick coat of simple make up. It's not like we were filming a fighting scene where I needed fake blood and cuts. I had to film a scene with Misha today. I was nervous. I rarely ever film with Misha because we usually goof off and get yelled at and because I've got the biggest crush on him but I don't think he's noticed.

"Okay you're good to go girly. See you later." Geinie said as I got up and thanked her then left the make up station. I jogged over to the set where Misha and I needed to film. A director, some crew and Misha sat there waiting patiently for me to get there. "Hey guys I'm sorry I'm late. My alarm clock didn't go off. Let's get this going."

Misha smiled at me then looked at the director that was filming this episode. "I'm glad you finally got here. But yes, let's get 'this' going" John said motioning to the scene. "Marker! Episode 47. Scene 12. Take 1 and Action!" I heard a snap then the cameras started rolling. Misha quickly got into the famous character, Castiel and I had gotten into Finley. I leaned against the table and looked up at him. He was so handsome. He stated his lines and I said mine. This went on with many slip ups and goofy comments in between slip ups. We finished the scene and then we were dismissed.

I have a couple more scenes with J2 a little bit later so I walked over to the coffee table and started filling my cup with a hot brew. As I managed my cup with sugar and cream I jumped about a mile high when I heard a deep voice sound next to my ear. I almost spilled my coffee but didn't because coffee is too big of a deal to spill it.

"I thought you wern't going to make it." Misha said with a smirk on his perfect lips. "Yeah well I'm here so." I took a sip of the simmering Columbian brew and smiled. "I'm taking that's your first cup if the day?" I smiled and took another sip, nodding. "One of one hundred if I'm going to be working with J2 later." His eyes met mine and my heart fluttered.

His eyes were the perfect shade of blue. It's like I could see the whole Pacific ocean in those eyes. Misha waved a hand in front of my face and I snapped out of whatever trance I was in. I'm guessing he asked something because he was waiting for an answer. "I'm sorry I'm still half asleep. What did you ask?" I said staring into his eyes once again.

"I'm having a small party later to celebrate turning the big four 'o. Maybe you can swing by. I mean only if you want to. I'm not trying-" He started to ramble and I smiled. I cut him off by cover his mouth with my hand. "Sure, where is it?" I asked and he just looked amazed.

"It's at my apartment. It's nothing major just the guys, some crew. Gen might come with Jared." I nodded and took another sip. "Okay I'll be there, I gotta go run lines with Jensen. He said he would help me with this scene we're supposed to be filming today. I'll see you later Misha." He smiled at me and I returned the notion. I turned and walked out of set and over to Jensen's trailer. I gotta get myself one of these.

Later on that night it was about six thirty when we all finished filming. I changed out of Finley's clothing and into an extra outfit I kept in wardrobe and left my outfit from this morning in there. It was still pouring so I took my raincoat and put it on. I took out my phone and called for a ride to Misha's. He doesn't live that far from me.

So if anything I could just walk home from his after the party. The black suv pulled up and got into the front seat. "Hey what's up Rob?" He smiled at me and said, "Nothing really. Where am I taking you tonight Y/n?" I looked out the window as we started moving. "Misha's. He's having a birthday party." He said okay and we pulled out of the set area.

We pulled up outside of Misha's place and I thanked him and got out of the suv. He rolled down the window and asked, "Do you need a ride later?" I said, "No if anything I'll just walk. I live like down the street. Thanks Rob. See you whenever." We waved to each other and I walked into the building and rang the buzzer to Misha's apartment.

"Hello?" A deep voice pounced through the speaker. "It's me. Let me in." Immediately, he hit the buzzer and unlocked the door. As I walked though the door a voice from behind me came about. "Wait! Hold the door!" That voice. It was Hailey's. "Oh Y/n." She said as she walked closer to the door. "It's could close the door and lock you out."

She rolled her eyes and walked in after I did. "Whatever let's just get upstairs." I walked over to the elevator and pressed the up button. Nothing was said until we were closed in the elevator together. "I'm surprised Misha even invited you. Misha doesn't even like you." I didn't say anything and waited for this ride from hell to be over.

She spoke up again, "You know him and I are so close. We're practically together." That was when I open my mouth. "Hailey he is like twenty years older than you are. He could be your father. Just shut the fuck up and stop taking to me. You're fucking annoying voice is giving me a migraine." The elevator dinged and I brushed passed her and walked down to Misha's door with Hailey I'm tow. I knocked and the door opened up quickly. Misha's smile matched my own as our eyed connected.

"Come on in sweetheart." I smiled and walked through the door. Misha went to go close it when Hailey pushed it open. "Don't forget me!" Her high pitched voice said coming into the room. She brought Misha into a long hug. Anyone with eyes could see the discomfort in his soul. I sighed as she let go of him and kissed his cheek. She walked passed us and I just stared at Misha.

"Sorry about her. She knows I don't like her. I made that clear when she tried to kiss me on set two weeks ago." I nodded and my eyes connected with his. He held his arms open, waiting for me to give him a hug. "Can I get a hug from my bed friend?" Right, friend. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck. He was warm and strong. He smelled like watermelon and cinnamon. We pulled apart but not to the point where we let go fully.

Our faces were close. I could feel his minty breath on my face. He was inching closer. Out lips were about to connect but we're interrupted by the buzzer sounding right by our heads. I jumped a little and felt my cheeks become rosy. "You should get that." I backed away from him and smiled. He nodded. He had a faint pigment of pink laying on his cheeks too. He was adorable. Did I just call a forty year old man adorable? Fuck yes I did. Oops.

I turned away from him and slugged my coat off my shoulders. I took it off completely and held it in my hands until Misha came up to me and took it from me. "I can put that in the other room. Make yourself at home." He smiled and left me alone. I walked through the short hallway and could hear laughter and music coming from where I presumed it was the living room.

I saw Jensen and Jared playing darts, Hailey talking to Jared stunt, and some other crew sitting on the couches or standing around drinking and/or conversing with each other. I looked at Jared and Jensen once I heard my name being called. "Come over here Y/n." I smiled and walked over to the two younger men. I was only a few months older than them but Misha was two years older than me.

"What are yah drinking?" Jared asked throwing a dart at the board. "Got Red's?" He smiled and nodded. "Here, I knew it was your favorite so I stocked up on it." Misha said behind me. His hand slipped onto my waist and he handed me my favorite beer.

"Thanks Mish." It was already opened as I took it into my hands. His hand never left my waist. I sipped on my beer and felt myself leaning towards Misha. Jared and Jensen went back to playing darts. Misha and I watched as we sat on bar stools talking amongst ourselves.

Two hours had passed and Misha had his arm around my shoulder now. I wasn't going to complain because I was completely falling for him so why not let it happen? Nothing could ruin this right now. "Want another?" Misha asked pointing to my empty bottle. I already have four. If I went passed five I would be completely hammered. I smiled and nodded. He got up and stumbled over to the fridge and got out his and my favorite beers and stumbled back over to where I sat.

He popped them open and sat back down next to me, sliding his arm around my waist and bringing me closer to him. He was so cute when he was drunk. We sipped on our beers and just enjoyed each others company as we watched everyone mingle and party. Misha turned his head and laid it onto my shoulder, and into the crease of my neck. I froze when his hot breath hit my skin.

"You smell so good." He stood up and moved in front of me. I stood up as he set my beer on the counter with his and leaned down to nudge his face back into my neck. I felt him humming on my skin. He wrapped his arms around my waist until we were completely evolved with one another. My arms found their way around his shoulders, almost as if we were dancing. A nice calm song came on as I saw him look up at me. Our eyes connected. "Happy Birthday Misha."

I heard people leaving but I was too focused on Misha to care if I had said goodbye to everyone. I did see Jared and Jensen look at us then leave quietly while dragging Hailey along with them. The door closed and it was now just us, alone together. The music was going softer. J2 probably changed it before leaving. He laid his forehead onto mine. As he inched closer to my face my eyes fluttered shut. Our lips finally connected and fuck, I was so fuzzy inside.

Our lips moved in motion. We both were trying so hard not to miss the opportunity of receiving each and every breath of each other. His lips were like hot silk as they moved with mine. His hands roamed down to my ass, bringing me closer to him to feel his bulge in his jeans press to my stomach. He brought his lips down to my neck and began sucking and biting each and every unmarked area.

"Jump baby." He said grabbing my ass again. I jumped up and he held me to his body, his lips never leaving my neck. He brought us over to his couch and I straddle him. He moved my hair out of my face and kissed my lips softly. "You're so perfect." He said looking into my eyes. I smiled and pecked his lips once more.

"I-" He went to speak but i brought his lips up to mine and kissed him once more before pulling away. "What's wrong?" I asked holding him closely. "I have to tell you something if we're going to keep going." He said seeming very concerned. "What is it Mish? Is everything okay?"

I asked placing my hands on his cheeks. "Everything is fine but I just-" He stalled for a second, "I'm in love with you." I froze and just stared into his eyes unable to reciprocate a response. I just leaned down to his face and kissed his perfect lips softly. His lips moved with mine slowly. "I'm in love with you to Misha." He smiled and pulled me closer. "Really? You mean that?"

The thunder and lightening rumbled the windows. The rain wasn't letting up anytime soon and for once I was happy that I just couldn't run, it's not like I wanted to. "I'm really do mean it. I've been in love with you for weeks now. I just didn't think you felt the same. Clearly, I was wrong." He laughed and kissed my lips. Thunder sounded louder than before and made me jump. "I was thinking the same thing you were honey." I looked into his ocean blue eyes. "Why don't we move this to the other room?" I nodded and he lifted me up with him and started kissing me while moving to his bedroom. This is going to be one hell of a night.

.....

The light of the sun glared through the drawn curtains. The smell of watermelon and cinnamon filled my nostrils. I felt warmth on my back and Misha's arms wrapped around my body. His breath tickled my face as he held me so close. I brought my hand up to his cheeks and caressed it. I rubbed my thumb along his cheekbone. I kissed his lips and then nudged my face into his chest again.

He sighed and pulled me closer. His hand came up and started rubbing my back in circles. "Morning baby." He kissed the top of my head and hugged me closer until I could barely breath. I brought my face up to his and our lips connected once again. This was perfect. I noticed we were still naked from last night and I felt his chest rumble in a low chuckle. "Guess what?" He said looking at me. I hummed in a response. "We're late." I giggled and snuggled closer to him. "Just a few more mintues then we can start rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off." He laughed and kissed my lips once more.

Yup, perfect.

[magioftheseas]

Heart Over Head Over Heels

Summary: Two times Matsuda Yasuke gets forced into developing and furthering his bonds; one time he wasn't. Island Mode AU where Matsuda Yasuke survives the events of dr0 and goes onto be placed within the NWP with the rest of the remnants of despair.

Rating: T

Warnings: Mild medicinal drug use. Also Matsuda’s filthy fucking mouth. Some mentions of illness. Also this fic is like, ~10.7K.

Notes: Few things are more indulgent than this, lbr. I just...got nothing. Please read dr0. Do it for him. Also MatsuKamu is the most criminally underrated pair. MatsuKoma and MatsuHina are pretty good, too. I honestly would not be opposed to writing Matsuda interact with the other sdr2 kids, but I’m really not sure if literally anyone except myself would give a shit about that.

**Alternative Ao3 Link**

Commission? Donate?

This whole thing was bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Everything about this was bullshit.

Jabberwock was a nonsensical bullshit island befitting its nonsensical bullshit name, and he wanted no fucking part of it. He barely had time for idiots in middle school, why did he have to have nothing but time for idiots now?

Lovey-Dovey Heart-Throbbing Island Adventure. God. What was his life now, a shitty harem game? Ew.

He supposed with Usami here, it could be like the third movie of Heretic Angel ☆ Mochi Mochi Princess Buko—but Usami was too sugary saccharine even for Buko. She’d be at-place in a knock-off wannabe brand of S@nR*o, but nothing actually refined or respectable. He wouldn’t mind her too much—

“Matsuda-kun, uuu... You really should be making friends...”

If not for her insisting on this bullshit.

“That’s no good, Matsuda-kun! Friendship is very important and leads to a long, hopeful life!”

“Unless you’re dying of a brain disease,” Matsuda said bluntly. “Then friendship don’t do shit.”

“Awawawa!!!”

The sun was shining through the windows. The beds in the hospital were comfortable if anything else, and the hospital itself was very conveniently the quietest place here. And this idiot rabbit was flailing at him in distress. What a comical sight. Not as comical as his manga, mind you, and he really was extra pissy that the volume he’d be waiting for wasn’t in the library. Still, this hospital bed wasn’t half-bad to just lay on and the ceiling wasn’t half-bad to stare at.

If only his cabin could be this comfortable and quiet. But after being waken up the third morning in a row by a screaming punk rocker, he didn’t much care for it, so he made himself home at the hospital building instead. Read up on the texts there. Studied. Played with the scalpels. Threw them at Usami when she showed up.

“Matsuda-KUN!!!” He stared past her at the punctured holes in the wall that could be connected to create the tacky outline of a tacky rabbit thing. Needed more holes though. “Enough is enough! You NEED to go out and make friends!”

“I’m working to be a competent doctor, not a well-adjusted person,” he said. “So why don’t you take your tacky saccharine sweetness and spread it on some cupcakes instead of bother me?”

“H-Harsh! So harsh!” Usami whined. “Uuu, my darling student...so harsh...! You’re only seventeen, Matsuda-kun, you needn’t be so harsh...”

Matsuda’s brow quirked, and he pushed himself up.

“I do my chores,” he said. “And I study. You really shouldn’t expect more.”

“B-Bu...” Usami sniffled. “Matsuda-kun... You mustn’t be so...hopeless... Please won’t you make friends? If you collect enough hope fragments—they become stars that grant your wishes!!”

“Wow, sounds like bullshit.”

“Matsuda-kuuuun!”

“But you’re just going to keep on bothering me until I go out,” he said, running his fingers through his hair with a sigh. He slipped off the bed and slipped his feet into the hospital slippers. “Well, I have been getting tired of seeing your face, so... Maybe a new face to get sick of wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Yes!” Usami cried tears of hurt and relief. “Go out and make friends, Matsuda-kun! Love, love!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

--

...make friends, huh...?

He wasn’t sure where to start. Everyone here was a nutjob to varying degrees and in varying ways so how was he supposed to choose?

With the sun beating down on his nape, his irritation festered just a bit more.

Friends... Friends.. Friends...

For some reason, it just annoyed him more and more to the point of giving him a migraine, of all things.

“Urgh...” Matsuda rubbed at his temples, biting his tongue with a hiss. “Ah, geez, what even the hell?”

First thing’s first, he should go to the market and grab some extra medicine for his headaches. He had been popping pills more often for—some reason, and he had a feeling he’d really need it for the moments to come.

He made his way there in long, swift strides, glare narrowing and scowl deepening.

All this is temporary anyway. I don’t have to waste that much time, it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine—

The doors opened as he stepped through. There was a low buzz in the air from the air conditioner, and Matsuda made a beeline for the pharmacy aisle.

Someone else was there and this would either be majorly convenient or majorly aggravating. Perhaps both. But, aah, well...

“Ah...!”

Fluffy white curls swept through the air as Komaeda turned on his heel, blinking those wide, gray-green eyes back at his dull stare. Matsuda’s frown deepened just as a smile spread across Komaeda’s thin lips—and why was he looking so hard at this guy’s face again?

“Matsuda-kun! Good morning! Fancy meeting you here!”

“Yo,” he said, raising a hand alongside his brow.  “I guess even headaches can get headaches.”

Komaeda laughed, backing away from the shelf.

“Aha! Sorry, sorry, was I in the way? I don’t...mean to cause you trouble, Matsuda-kun, of course not...!”

“You’re not in the way, you’re just there,” he said, stepping forward and plucking a bottle of the shelf. He pocketed it without a second thought.

“You’re right!” Komaeda explained. “Someone like me could only ever take up space with my worthless self! Ahaha, I’m so sorry, Matsuda-kun!”

...Urgh...

For some inexplicable reason, this just irritated him further.

...But, that said...

“Do you have any plans?” Komaeda flinched, almost cowering back in the sparkling presence of the shockingly pink ticket Matsuda held up. “If not, we’re hanging out.”

“M-Matsuda-kun...!”

Matsuda barely batted an eyelash. “We don’t have each other’s hope fragments, right?”

Never mind that I don’t have any hope fragments at all...

“A-Ah, well...” Komaeda’s cheeks enflamed. Gross. “If... If someone as amazing as Matsuda-kun is asking, then... I can’t refuse...!”

“Kay,” he said, placing the ticket in Komaeda’s hand. Immediately, it dissolved in a flurry of sparkles. It was as if he signed a devil’s contract. “Kay. Let’s get going. Hurry up or I’m going to leave you behind.”

“Y-Yes, Matsuda-kun! Right away, Matsuda-kun!”

With how long Komaeda’s legs were, it was almost irritatingly easy for him to keep up with Matsuda’s stride. There was almost a really weird sense of nostalgia to having someone follow him like a lost puppy—but thinking about it gave him a headache so he popped a pill and proceeded to just stop thinking about anything at all.

“So,” Komaeda chirped, fluttering every bit like a nervous bird. “Where are we going?”

“Dunno. Just started walking.”

But from the look of things, this was the direction of...the fourth island, right?

Ah, there’s an amusement park, there.

Well, that was a typical venue for dates, right? Better than sitting on his ass for hours while staring at a screen while picking at popcorn stuck in his gums. If he had to get up and “make friends”, he might as well be active. Or something.

At least the hospital slippers were comfortable for walking around.

“...um...” Komaeda’s smile twitched as he fiddled with his fingers. “So, we’re...going to the fourth island, right?”

“Sure looks like it,” he said and they crossed the bridge. Waves rolled underneath their feet. “How do you feel about amusement parks anyway?”

“I haven’t been to any since I was a kid,” Komaeda mumbled. “Um, Mioda-san wanted to go with a large group, but... She also wanted to ride the roller coasters and that’s...absolutely...not an option...for someone like me.”

“Someone like you,” Matsuda mimicked. “Well, I’m not one for being jerked around either. So it’s whatever.”

Komaeda laughed lightly.

“It’s...really more than just that,” he said. “It’s far too dangerous.” His breath caught and then his eyes began to swirl. “So many people can die in roller coaster-related accidents! For someone like me, someone like me...! It’s just...not an option...!”

Matsuda glanced at him as he wheezed, voice cracking, pitching, and distorting.

Without thinking, he reaches out and takes his cold, clammy hand, making Komaeda nearly choke.

“M-Matsu...?!”

“No roller coasters,” he said. “Got it. Like I said, I don’t really care. I’m not one for being jerked around.”

Komaeda swallowed back saliva as though his throat ran dry.

“I... Um...” He blushed and hurriedly nodded. “Okay...”

With that, Matsuda tugged him along.

--

“Riding...on the mouse...is a must...!!”

“A must, huh...?”

“A must!!”

“Kay.”

Matsuda did not ride on the mouse but instead lounged on the unmoving carousel. He watched Komaeda straddle the mouse however and grip the pole as it rose and fell. For that brief moment, Komaeda looked utterly delighted and like a real little kid.

...ah, huh...

The music played on an on in a looping, saccharine melody. Komaeda giggled with glee. Matsuda was this close to falling asleep. In fact, his eyelids grew heavy and with time, slowly, but surely, they fell.

“Mm...”

“Matsuda-kun!”

Matsuda perked up, blinking blearily a few times. The merry-go-round wasn’t moving, and the music was no longer playing. Komaeda, however, was smiling brightly down at him, fingers clasped behind his back.

“I know I’m not the most terribly interesting company,” he said. “But, sleeping like this is bad for your neck, Matsuda-kun!”

Matsuda’s joints popped and scraped against one another in agreement.

“Not the worst position I slept in,” he yawned. He took Komaeda’s offered hand and helped himself up. “Did you enjoy yourself, at least?”

“O-Of course!” Komaeda stammered out. “How could I not?!”

“...I could think of a few ways,” he said but didn’t elaborate further on the topic. He stretched. “So, what else are we doing?”

“Eh...” Komaeda blinked at him dumbly. “What else...?”

“Yeah, what else,” Matsuda repeated, unimpressed. “Just going on one ride would be too half-assed even for someone like me.”

“But...!” Komaeda gasped. “Someone like me... Just one ride is more than I could ever ask for from someone like you, Matsuda-kun!”

Matsuda scowled.

“Are you saying you don’t want to go anywhere else?”

“It’s not about what I want...!”

“Then shut up,” he snapped and Komaeda’s mouth did indeed snap shut. “If you keep overthinking, you’ll overheat and that worthless brain of yours will end up melting. You’re already stupid enough so let’s not add further brain damage to the mix, Komaeda.”

Komaeda blinked up at him and then swallowed, nodding in return.

“Come on,” Matsuda said, gesturing him to follow with his shoulder. “I wanna try the Ferris Wheel next.”

“The... Ferris Wheel...?”

Matsuda stopped, spinning around on his heel.

“Yeah,” he said. “Do you have any problems with that?”

Komaeda’s smile twitched.

“I... A few... Like if it breaks...or stops...” Once again, his eyes swirl. “Or stops, breaks, and then rolls away.”

“What kind of shitty action movies have you been watching? You should be watching more worthwhile flicks—like Home Alone or something.”

Komaeda blinked up at him, eyes bright and shimmering.

“...I don’t watch action movies. They’re loud and uncomfortable. And voyeuristic. Not to mention I’ve been in those situations before...” he trailed off.

“I get it,” Matsuda said, huffing. “We can go on something else. There’s a train ride around here, right...?”

A train...

“Oh, no!” Komaeda gasped out. “No, no! If you want to go on the Ferris Wheel, then you can, Matsuda-kun! But...” He fiddled with his fingers. “It’d be such despair if something happened to you because a lowly worm like me was there, so...”

Like a merry-go-round, this conversation is going in irritating circles.

“Are we going or not?” he asked. “Yes or no?”

“W-Well, I...”

“Yes,” Matsuda repeated, stressing out the word between his teeth in a hiss. “Or no?”

Komaeda flinched, hesitated, and then shakily he nodded.

“Um, um... Y... Yes. Yes, we’re going. Sorry, Matsuda-kun.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said coolly, turning back so they could resume going on their way. “Like I said, you just shouldn’t think further on the matter at all. Idiot.”

Komaeda shivered but soon enough skipped up after him with a giggle.

“Matsuda-kun, you’re sharper than a scalpel! Hahaha!”

Matsuda hmphed at that.

--

Komaeda looked up at the Ferris Wheel with the strangest expression, at each passenger car rising to meet the sky before descending, each pausing at the ground to potentially welcome someone inside.

Matsuda shrugged off his thoughts and the two of them stepped inside and settled on the cold plastic seats as the doors creaked shut.

“...it’s very different,” Komaeda murmured, looking out dazedly, shifting the slightest bit. “I never rode the Ferris Wheel before...” He smiled faintly. “I was too scared of it rolling away, but... It really isn’t so bad...”

“Yeah?” he droned. “I rode it once because...”

He stopped.

Ah... Huh...?

“Because...?” Komaeda frowned. “Matsuda-kun...?”

Matsuda rubbed his temples as they began throbbing again, this time more fiercely like there was a violent recoil inside his head.

“U-Urgh...!” He quickly fished out that bottle of pills, and swallowed another one dry. He groaned, rubbing as the pain dissipated. “Fuck... Christ... Do I have a fucking tumor or something?”

“A-A tumor?!” Komaeda paled with a look of utter horror. Irritably, Matsuda waved his hand with a sigh.

“No, it’s nothing, it’s nothing.” The words almost felt planted on his tongue. He couldn’t really explain it and—he felt the compulsion to just ignore it entirely. “Honestly with how ridiculous the whole situation is... Chronic headaches developing suddenly isn’t that weird.”

Even though deep down I know there’s more to it—

I feel pressured to just ignore it.

“Ah...” Komaeda faltered like a wilting flower. “Matsuda-kun... Please take good care of yourself...”

“Geez,” he grumbled. “I shouldn’t have you of all people telling me that.”

Komaeda smiled sadly and Matsuda averted his eyes from that sight to the one of the amusement park as well as the rest of the island spreading out before them. Matsuda straightened his posture as he stared out further, to the endless blue of the ocean and sky.

“...when the sun sets,” Komaeda spoke up suddenly. “This is sure to be quite the stunning sight, don’t you think, Matsuda-kun?”

“I guess,” he replied. Komaeda laughed.

“With how vibrant orange complements blue, it’ll really be radiant to see, I’m sure,” he said. “But... As it is now... This is...nostalgic to look at... I was worried but... This...really isn’t so bad... It’s calming, I think.”

Matsuda turned and Komaeda had a gentle, serene smile that seemed different from the rest of the calm, vapid smiles he’d toss around so carelessly.

...This is nostalgic for me, too, he thought. But... It’s still really different.

Their car creaked as it continued to rise. Komaeda suddenly shivered.

“A-Aha...” He wrapped his arms around himself. “Ah, ah, um, sorry... Sorry... I don’t know why, I really was fine but then—!”

“Oi,” Matsuda said, voice lower. Slowly, he began to move. “Komaeda, are you...?”

Komaeda shook his head furiously.

“I-It’s just! We’re so high up! So high, so high! If we got stuck here—or if we fell with no way of protecting ourselves—that would just be the worst, wouldn’t it?!”

His breath hitched.

“That makes this really dangerous, doesn’t it, doesn’t it, doesn’t it—!”

And then suddenly, the wheel stopped and Matsuda toppled forward. Komaeda yelped.

And then, Matsuda’s hand smacked against the other end of the car, his knee hitting the seat and making him shudder, all while Komaeda’s nose was crushed against his chest.

“...Ow,” Matsuda cursed colorfully, wincing as he pushed himself away. Komaeda’s eyes were wide like dinner plates, and Matsuda plopped back down on his seat. Both his hand and knee seriously ached right now.

“M... Matsuda-kun...” Komaeda looked around, and then wheezed out a laugh. “I-It stopped! It completely...utterly...stopped!”

“I noticed,” he said, frown deepening. “Well that’s just fan-fucking-tastic.”

Komaeda burst out laughing.

“I-I knew it! I just—I just knew it!” he gasped, giggling manically as his fingers tangled into his hair and pulled. “I knew this would happen and now we’re stuck here—someone like me got someone as wonderful and amazing as the Matsuda Yasuke-kun in this despairingly unlucky situation! I really am the worst! Just—the worst! The lowliest, most disgusting, most deplorable—!”

Matsuda’s hand smacked over his mouth, silencing him.

“Komaeda,” he said lowly and sternly. “Shut the hell up. None of that is even accurate. I was the one who said I wanted to be here, right?”

Komaeda quivered, his breath hot against his hand. Irritably, Matsuda shoved his hand against his mouth harder to utterly muffle any possible sound.

“I’m taking complete responsibility for this one and you’re not to fucking take that from me,” he said firmly. “This whole thing is the result of my dumbass decision making. Got that?”

He pulled his hand away to run his fingers through his hair with a sigh.

“...That fucking rabbit bitch better get our asses down soon,” he grumbled. He noticed Komaeda was staring at him with sparkling eyes and glared. “What the hell’s with that stupid look?”

“Matsuda-kun, you’re...even more tsun than Hinata-kun!” Komaeda gasped. “It’s incredible! Amazing! There’s no way Hinata-kun’s talent can be Ultimate Tsuntsun Hair when you exist!”

“...well you’re back to a level of acceptably stupid.” Matsuda sighed. “Geez, you... So what’s wrong with you anyway?”

“So many things!” Komaeda exclaimed cheerfully. “I’m wrong just by being here!”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Matsuda snapped. “The way you talk, the things you say, the way you act—it’s all creepily familiar to someone I knew.”

It hurt, a bit, both in his head and in his chest.

Komaeda’s face fell, and he laughed softly.

“...Matsuda-kun’s the Ultimate Neurologist,” he said. “I kind of figured...you’d just know.”

“So you’re tight-lipped now, huh?” Matsuda rolled his eyes and folded his arms. “Well... It doesn’t matter... If I’m right, then I’m right.”

“Right,” Komaeda agreed, smile twitching at the seams.

“And if I’m right,” Matsuda went on. “I’ll be...seeing a lot more of you after all this is over. That said, I’m still keeping a close eye on you. You’re my responsibility now, too, Komaeda Nagito.”

Komaeda’s smile widened.

“Matsuda-kun.”

Matsuda perked up, and then he was almost blindsided by how bright Komaeda’s smile seemed in that moment.

“Please take good care of me.”

--

“M-Matsuda-kuuuuun! Sensei is... Sensei is so sorryyyyyy~!”

“Yeah, you better be.”

Usami wailed to his annoyance. At the very least, Komaeda was in a good mood afterwards, laughing without any worries whatsoever.

“Well, this thing should be working properly from now on,” Souda said. “Probably... It looks like it should.”

“Do you really think that?” Hinata asked. “A Ferris Wheel is...much more complicated than anything that can be worked on in a shed, right?”

“Hinata-kun, you’re talking to the Ultimate Mechanic!” Komaeda scolded. “If anyone knows, it’s Souda-kun!”

“Yeah, what he said!”

“Didn’t you just say probably?!”

Usami sniffled.

“S-Students... Please... Please don’t fight... We should all be happy that Matsuda-kun and Komaeda-kun are okay...”

“And it’s all thanks to Souda-kun!” Komaeda gushed, making Souda preen even more.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Hey, uh... Matsuda...?”

Matsuda perked up, Hinata shrinking back a bit under his unimpressed stare. Averting his gaze, Hinata rubbed at the nape of his neck.

“Are you, uh...feeling alright...? Komaeda seems fine, so...”

“I’m fine,” he said. “That wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to me. Compared to being kidnapped without warning by a freaky rabbit to some freaky island in the middle of fucking nowhere... The Ferris Wheel getting stuck is hardly a misfortune worth writing home about.”

Usami and Hinata both flinched.

“I...see... Well, I’m glad both of you are doing alright...?”

“Yeah,” Matsuda said. “Yeah...”

He idly dug his hand through his pocket. His fingers grazed through something warm and smooth. Polished like a gem. He paused, and he glanced towards Komaeda, laughing and smiling and perking up at his stare and brightening in response.

Matsuda’s hand closed around the hope fragment and squeezed until it dissipated.

“Matsuda-kun, I really did have a lot of fun!” Komaeda chirped. “Next time, let’s go someplace like the beach! Hopefully my luck won’t bring a tidal wave raining down on us!”

Matsuda just gave a thumbs-up in response.

“Souda-kun, come to think of it, we were supposed to gather materials!” Komaeda exclaimed, making Souda perk.

“Oh yeah, now that ya mention it...”

“We should get going!!” Komaeda ushered him without further discussion on the matter. “Go, go, go! If Sonia-san hears you’ve been slacking off, she’ll be very disappointed, Souda-kun!”

Souda didn’t need much ushering after that, and with one last wave from Komaeda, the two of them ran off.

“How diligent!” Usami cooed.

Matsuda blinked a few times, unimpressed.

“...well, I should probably...”

He was only half-prepared to head back, honestly, so he shouldn’t have been surprised.

“...wait. Uh, Matsuda...?”

He stopped, and he wasn’t oblivious to Usami practically twinkling with delight. For now, he ignored her and focused on that hideous pink ticket that Hinata was holding out. Hinata himself looked awfully flustered.

“It’s...still early enough in the day,” he mumbled. “And we haven’t really...hung out at all since we got here.”

Matsuda just blinked.

“If you can make Komaeda that happy, then you must not be so bad, right?” Hinata asked with a wince. Come to think of it, Matsuda’s knee was probably going to make one ugly bruise. “So, uh...what do you say?”

Usami’s sparkly, expectant gaze was burning holes into his back.

Matsuda sighed.

“...Sure thing.”

What the hell.

“Love, love!” Usami chirped oh so happily. “Then I’ll leave you two be!”

Matsuda took the ticket and both it and Usami dissolved into another flurry of sparkles. The devil’s contract claimed more of his soul.

--

They went back to the hospital on the third island so that he could grab some ointment for his knee. It throbbed as he walked which was a literal pain, so the ointment helped a lot. And that was a good time for Hinata to just...look around his makeshift bedroom in slight awe.

“You, uh...really, uh...” He swallowed, glancing at the haphazard stacks of manga and textbooks on the table and a few neat stacks of various snack boxes. “You really made yourself at home...in this patient room...some of this is from your cottage, isn’t it...?”

“A couple of the books from the bookshelf, others from the library,” Matsuda said, and rummaged through one of the boxes for a few packages of rice crackers. “I wasn’t allowed to take the television and Usami most certainly whined at me, but y’know I don’t...give a shit...so it’s whatever.”

“It’s pretty quiet out here,” Hinata mused, looking out the window. “Even though the music venue’s on this island too, you can’t hear it at all from here. This hospital is...actually pretty isolated.”

“Yep,” he said. “Hence why it’s my preferred place of stay.”

Hinata nodded along. Matsuda tossed him a rice cracker and he caught it with a jump.

“Er... Thanks...” He pocketed the snack, swallowing as he did. “So you... Do you actually talk to anyone? Besides Komaeda, obviously, uh... What about Tsumiki?”

“That bitch?”

“Urk...” Matsuda looked so incredulous then that Hinata couldn’t help but falter, the corner of his lips twitching. “Well, she’s not like...an actual licensed doctor like you apparently are, but... She’s the Ultimate Health Committee Member and that...counts for something, right?”

“Hardly,” Matsuda huffed, affronted. “That’s like putting a hall monitor on the same level as a police officer. Oi, I may have skipped ahead a few years, but I did not suffer through grueling medical school to hear this level of bullshit.”

“...ah, sorry...” Wincing, Hinata ducked his head in apology. “I didn’t...mean anything by it.”

Matsuda waved him off with a sigh.

“It’s fine,” he grumbled. “Ms. Bitchtits Health Committee Member actually is more qualified than the typical idiot with a first aid kit. Sometimes she stops by, but... Well...”

He trailed off, thinking of crying and wailing that left his ears ringing for hours.

“...we’re not exactly amicable.”

That said, Tsumiki Mikan was someone who seriously, personally bothered him so much so that he tended to steer clear of her, metaphorical allergy to her sniveling aside.

“Yeah,” Hinata said, giving him an unimpressed look. “I’m not surprised to hear that. Tsumiki is...” A pause. “She’s...fragile. And you’re kind of a complete asshole.”

Oh, honey.

“Fragile and disturbed,” he quipped. “And you know it.”

Hinata flinched, and then his frown deepened.

“...Asshole,” he huffed back.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Hinata Hajime...really was an unremarkable oddity. Painfully average but still among the talented and still one of the talented—urgh, his headache was starting up again like there was something intimately wrong with those words—then again, being typical in an atypical crowd technically flipped things around, right?

Though not knowing your own talent—that was just plain weird.

Then again... I feel like my memory’s not the best either. A lot of things are...a blur...and a headache.

He might need to take another pill soon.

“...Um... So...”

Ah, Hinata was talking again. And Matsuda remembered.

“Right,” he said. “Our date. Alright, let’s get going. I think I can walk.”

Hinata, eying him ever warily, nodded in response.

“I... Yeah...”

“Yep.”

Once again, the two of them were off.

--

He shouldn’t be surprised; thus, he shouldn’t be disappointed, but... Still...

“We...were on the third island anyway,” Hinata muttered lamely as Matsuda’s eyes narrowed. “A-And hey, the movies here actually aren’t too bad.”

Well, he told himself. It’s not like I’m with Hinata because I sought him out or anything.

“You take all the boys here, huh?” he asked. “Wow, you really are a manwhore.”

“Shut the hell up!” Hinata screeched. “You didn’t have to come!”

“Yes I did,” he retorted. “That’s the point of this trip, right? Collecting hope fragments. It’s okay. I’m used to being used. Let’s just make this quick and painless.”

Hinata flushed so red-hot that steam poured from his ears. Ever nonchalant, Matsuda shrugged it off.

“Y-You...” Hinata shook his head furiously. “You just...say whatever the hell you want, don’t you?”

“Yep.” He wouldn’t deny something that obvious. “This trait is hardly exclusive to me though so if you’ve been whoring yourself out as much as I know you have, you should be used to this kind of shit now, right?”

“I haven’t been...!” Hinata choked on air before he could even taste the word. “You... God, you’re beyond insufferable. I don’t have any idea how Komaeda could stand you.”

“Komaeda could also stand sucking my dick and it's a mystery to me too,” Matsuda said without thinking.

Hinata’s mouth fell open, eyes going blank. He did not speak. He did not even breathe.

“...joking,” Matsuda said, and Hinata wheezed.

“O-Oh my god, just fucking go!” he hissed and shoved Matsuda further. “G-Go... Go pick out a seat or...fucking something...!”

He very nearly shoved Matsuda into the glass door and...

He...definitely deserved that.

Honestly.

--

The inside of the theater smelled like salt, butter, and mistakes. He did rather like the font they used for the neon signs reading Ticket and Screen. Fucking brilliant. A real arthouse.

Already, rather eerily, there were snacks for selection and no one at the table. Usually this kind of situation would go horribly badly, but—this whole trip started with a talking magical stuffed rabbit thing. He’s probably not going to be poisoned or cursed if he eats the popcorn.

Not that he even wants any popcorn or anything.

“Popcorn’s a must, right?” Hinata asked as if he read his mind. Gross.

“I think... I’m good with my own snacks.” Aah, but... “I’ll grab a drink. I’m fucking thirsty.”

He grabbed the large cup and went straight to the soda machine. Thankfully, they had the good brands like Dr. Hopper. Actually pretty pleased with that, Matsuda filled his cup.

“Right,” he said and sipped his straw. “So, Hinata, what movie were you thinking of taking me to?”

Hinata froze, hand hovering over the hotdog he was prepared to grab. Seeming to think better of it—thank fucking god—Hinata dropped his hand.

“I don’t really know,” he admitted. “I didn’t actually think you’d go with me.”

“Ooh boy,” Matsuda sighed and took another sip.

“B-But there are all kinds of selections!” Hinata exclaimed hurriedly. “Like, uh... Horror?”

“Pass. I hate gore.”

“I, oh, but aren’t you—never mind that.” Hinata shook his head. “Uh, what about an action flick?”

“Action...” He paused, thinking about it. “Ehhhh, no. I’m not crazy about that either. Those can get pretty violent, too.”

Hinata gave him a withering look.

“Um... M... Mystery...?”

Poor thing looked completely lost. He really should spare some mercy.

Nah.

“Most mysteries about solving a murder case, right?” he asked. “Again. Not a fan of gore. Even if it’s only a little bit.”

“Then what do you want to see?!” Hinata demanded, sputtering.

Matsuda gave another pause and popped his lips before taking yet another sip.

“Mm...”

What I want, huh...?

He thought about it.

Well, if I was going to sit on my ass for two hours and stare at a screen, what I’d want to be playing on the screen would probably be...

“Anime.”

Hinata blinked once, twice, and seemed to have aged ten years in ten milliseconds.

“...anime,” he repeated.

“Anime,” Matsuda said. “Preferably one of the Ponpon movies. The fourth one is objectively the best but the seventh one is my personal favorite.”

“I’m not familiar with that series,” Hinata replied blankly.

“Aw, really? That’s a shame.” He sipped. “It’s a mainstream classic, y’know.”

Hinata once again just blinked at him. At least this time, he inhaled, exhaled.

“Anything...stand-alone?”

Matsuda hummed.

“...The Tale of Princess Kaguya.”

Hinata straightened up at that, perking.

“...Kaguya...?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know who Princess Kaguya is,” Matsuda sneered in disgust. Hinata quickly waved his hands.

“No, no! I do...! I just... That’s...” He bit his tongue. “Never mind. Let’s go see if they have it. Maybe they will? I... Hopefully they will, yeah...”

Hinata hurriedly scampered off to find the film reels. Matsuda went with him since he might as well, but he didn’t really need to be there. Hinata found the film reel he wanted, and the two of them could just go into the theater and take a seat without any problems.

Matsuda refilled his cup when he had the opportunity. He would have just taken a seat without any problems... But, Hinata, of course, made him go to the bathroom before they sat down.

Jerk.

--

Well... That went as expected.

Hinata seemed rather dazed as they walked out. Satisfied, Matsuda tossed his empty cup.

They hadn’t really spoken during the movie. If anything, they were almost obscenely quiet to the point where even when Hinata nibbled on his rice cracker, the sounds were as soft as crunching could be. And then, Hinata cried. And he tried in vain to hide it by rubbing his eyes until they swelled up more. Matsuda just watched the credits as Hinata shifted and squirmed.

Then they went to the bathroom, and Matsuda headed out of that quickly so Hinata could “discreetly” wash his face in peace. And now they were both here, standing in the lobby and not really looking at each other.

“...that was really good,” Hinata said finally, tugging at his tie. “It was...uh...really good. Really...pretty...”

“What can I say?” Matsuda asked. “I may half-ass a lot of things, but my taste is as refined as can be.”

“Uh...huh...” Hinata swallowed. “But, yeah, I actually really enjoyed that. Thanks.”

“This movie date was your idea,” he pointed out. “So, shouldn’t I be thanking you?”

“...uh.”

“What is that shit over there.”

“H-Hey, wait!”

Too late, Matsuda had already made a beeline for the table in the corner.

“What...is this?” Matsuda squinted as he picked up the tote bag, and he grimaced at the sight of a cutesy pick outline of Usami’s face in the corner. “Are they prizes or something...?”

“Oh, yeah, they are,” Hinata said, rubbing at the nape of his neck. “You’re supposed to get a free tote bag after your first movie, so uh... Guess Usami left one here for you.”

“Free shit that I’ll never need. Amazing.” A pause. “Well... Actually, a tote bag has a lot of use. I guess...this isn’t so bad, then...”

Hinata snorted. “Yeah, it’s not.”

“...These stickers, though...” There was a neat little stack of them, and Matsuda could almost feel Hinata grimace with how quickly the mood dropped at the mention of them. “Gross... Aren’t these of that creepy bear thing?”

“Urgh, yeah. Just...ignore those. Everyone else does.”

Matsuda wanted to, but he couldn’t help but see the text.

I’m sorry, I was born stupid.

“Wow. Charming.” Not that he didn’t have any room to talk and—urgh looking at the damn thing was giving him a major headache. How much of an eyesore could one tacky sticker be? “Mmgh...”

“Are you alright?” Hinata asked, suddenly worried. “You got...really pale for a moment there, Matsuda...”

“Did it...?” He winced as he rubbed at his temples. “Urgh...”

What even the hell is this?

“We should, uh, probably go back, right?” Hinata asked and for some reason, Matsuda felt his headache worsen, his vision blurring, Hinata’s very

figure

flickering.

What?

“O-Oi, Matsuda?!” Hinata seized his arm, and his focus snapped to attention with a recoil that left him stinging. Matsuda very nearly shuddered, and Hinata squeezed his wrist. “H-Hey... Can you hear me? Are... Are you alright, Matsuda...?”

Matsuda’s eyelids fluttered and he shook his head furiously.

“I...”

“Come on,” Hinata pulled at him. “You’re really not looking so good—I can go get Tsumiki...”

“No.”

Matsuda stood his ground, resisting the pull for now. Scratching irritably at his neck, he shrugged.

“I think... I just need to lie down for a bit.”

“I... Are you sure?” Hinata frowned. “If something’s really wrong...”

Hasn’t something been really wrong from the start?

He shoved that thought away.

What the hell ever.

“It’s whatever,” he said. “Just take me back to my room. Specifically, my room at the hospital, but saying take me to the hospital doesn’t exactly inspire a lot of confidence that I’m fine or whatever, huh?”

“Not really,” Hinata agreed and sighed. “I... Alright... Come on, Matsuda. L... Let’s go back.”

“Yeah, yeah...”

--

It was starting to set and—it really was as radiant as Komaeda said it would be, with everything awash in a vibrant orange and pink.

Matsuda popped in one of his pills and took a swing from one of the water bottles he had stocked up.

“...long day,” he said, cracking his shoulders. “It seemed to go by so quickly.”

“That usually happens when you spend time with people,” Hinata said before pausing and adding, “I...think so anyway. I guess it depends on the person you’re spending time with.”

Well, he couldn’t disagree with that.

“...hey, Matsuda...?”

Matsuda perked up. Hinata seemed sheepish, almost tense as he averted Matsuda’s cool blue gaze.

“How are you feeling?”

Huh?

“You’re still worried about me?”

Hinata reddened considerably, scowling.

“Of course I am,” he snapped. “You acted really weird all of a sudden. It’s normal to still be a little concerned about that...”

Huh...

“Well, I’m fine,” Matsuda said. “So you don’t need to worry, yeah?”

“I see...” Hinata exhaled as if in relief. “Well, that’s good. Just be careful alright? Take it easy, or at least...try to...”

It’s almost like you actually care about me or something.

“Mm...” Matsuda set his water bottle aside to grab and toss Hinata another bag of snacks. Hinata once again caught it. “Here. Why don’t you take something for the road?”

Matsuda could see the gleam of a hope fragment with the snacks in Hinata’s grasp. With a squeeze, Hinata pocketed them both.

“...Thanks,” he said, still not looking at him. “For agreeing to go with me, and... That movie was nice. So...thanks for that, too.”

“You’re welcome,” Matsuda replied. “Thanks for taking me in the first place. You’re not so bad to hang out with... I guess...”

Hinata smiled wanly, the edge of it twisting.

“That’s something,” he said, laughing just a little. “Then... I’ll be seeing you later?”

“Yeah,” Matsuda said, raising his hand. “See ya.”

Hinata waved back, heading out, shutting the door with a soft click.

Matsuda plopped onto his bed.

...geez...

Well, that was something.

What even was that, anyway—

“Matsuda-kuuuun, you did so well, love, love!”

Whoosh, thwack.

“H-Huuuuuuueh?!”

Despite that initial freak-out, Usami’s ears drooped with resignation as she turned to see the familiar scalpel stuck in the wall. Another dot for the connect-the-dots outline. “U... Uuuu... Matsuda-kun... Why do you always throw knives at me?!”

“Shut up,” he chided. “Don’t show up without warning at a weird fucking hour. That’s rude. At least knock on the fucking door like a regular person.”

“I-I’m...!”

“Right,” he recalled. “Not a person.”

“I may not be human but I have the heart of a maiden!” Usami whined. “P-Please don’t think badly of your teacher... Uuu...”

“You’re too pitiful to think badly of,” he said. “So if you’re worried about that, you shouldn’t be. You’re just weird in a lot of ways—such as weird in that you’re afraid of a little tiny scalpel.”

“Yaaaaay!” Usami cheered, and Matsuda could only turn away and stare into the void.

...this is my bullshit life now.

“I am really proud of you, that said!” Usami went on with a chirp. “Are you feeling more hopeful now, Matsuda-kun?”

“That is one of the stupidest, most inane things you could have asked me.”

“U-Urk!” Usami flinched but admirably, kept on trying with that sugary, pleading smile. “Then... How do you feel now that you’ve deepened your bonds with a couple of your classmates, Matsuda-kun?”

She tilted her head. Matsuda pushed himself up, brushed past her, and reached out to pull out the scalpel from the wall. He observed the sheen of the blade, his reflection.

“...nostalgic,” he said. “Haunting.”

“H-Haunting?!” Usami squeaked. “Matsuda-kun, that’s such a worrying word to use! W-What’s wrong?! How can teacher help?!”

“You can leave,” he said. “Your squealing is making my headache worsen.”

“U-Uuuu!” Usami shrank in on herself. “Matsuda-kun... I really do just want to help...”

...I can believe that much. It’s just the method that I can’t help but question.

Something really does feel...incredibly wrong about this.

Urgh, and he kept getting headaches. It really was irritating.

“...it wasn’t bad,” he said, sighing. “Hanging out with people like that...wasn’t so bad.”

Usami lit up.

“Yay!” She positively beamed. “Just keep at it, Matsuda-kun! Strong bonds lead to a stronger heart!”

Not always.

Aah, that really hurt for some reason.

He looked towards the window, at that setting sun, at wine-dark ocean waves rolling underneath.

It really was nostalgic...and haunting.

But...not so bad, he supposed.

“Love, love!” Usami chirped. “A bright and shining hopeful future awaits on this lovey-dovey heart-throbbing island trip!”

“...if you say so.”

--

The birthplace of hopeful and shining futures—Hope’s Peak Academy. Revered and admired by the world at large, cradling the world itself at its fingertips. Yep, Hope’s Peak Academy was one hell of a place.

Nothing like a paradise built on the backs of the disenfranchised.

Matsuda couldn’t care less for this damned place at this point—by all accounts he should care even less for what was to become the Ultimate Hope Marionette in a sea of puppets where HPA cheerily pulled the strings.

And, yet.

He finds himself in the madman’s basement, scowling at the fucking cryptid in the middle of the room, atop the neatly made bed, staring at nothing with the creepiest pair of blood-red eyes.

“God, what are you—a fucking lamp? Or a houseplant?”

The cryptid perks up, red eyes gleaming in a way that totally wasn’t creepy or just plain fucking weird at all. Yeah, right. Seriously why the hell did they do that?

“Matsuda Yasuke-kun,” he acknowledges, cool and smooth. “Hello.”

Gross.

“Yo,” Matsuda said, raising his hand and shoving the cart forward. It only rolled ahead two feet. “Three guesses as to who the fucking idiot in charge of your daily examination is today and the first two don’t count.”

“It is you.”

“It’s me,” Matsuda replied, waving his hand. “Good, you’re still able to pick up on basic context clues. You need to exercise your brain to prevent atrophy just like with any of the other muscles in the body.”

“False.”

“Wow, do you hear that? It’s the sound of an input I didn’t fucking ask for. I’m taking off marks for that shit, no flower circle for you today. Nor a gold star, if that’s what you prefer.”

Blink. Blink.

“How boring.”

“I can’t believe the fucking lamp has the audacity to say that to me. That’s it—you fail the course. Try again next semester, you little shit.”

“You seem to be in a worse mood than usual,” he simply observed, shifting the way he sat ever so slightly. “Things have been harsher on you as of late, haven’t they?”

“Ew, did you just ask a question out of concern? Fucking stop that.” Matsuda pushed the cart a little more. “If you really want to know, Kamukura, it’s because I really don’t want to fucking be here right now.”

“You may leave, then,” Kamukura said. “You know as well as I do that this procedure is unnecessary.”

“It’s protocol you fucking idiot savant, necessity isn’t the issue here.” Somehow, he managed to push the cart enough that it was in the necessary vicinity. “Even if I did just leave to tell them there were no issues, I’d still have other shit on my plate I’d have to put up with. What I need is a break from fucking everything.”

Sighing, he started with the examinations, taking Kamukura’s temperature and checking his heartbeat.

“...Actually,” Matsuda found himself saying and almost couldn’t believe it himself. “A break sounds great. How about we go out for a bit?”

Blink. Blink. At least he didn’t have to worry about those creepy fucking eyes shriveling up anytime soon.

“We?”

“Look,” Matsuda sighed, pulling away. “Hinata used to have this healthy tan. You’re pallid like a goddamn corpse. It’s beyond creepy. For the sake of my sanity, you need to get out of this shitty lab every now and then and do fucking something.”

“...how dull...”

“It can’t be worse than sitting in a dark, empty room all day, right?” he snapped, pointing at him accusingly. “Well, whatever. I can’t actually make you do anything. Tch.”

He resumed the examination.

“After I finish with this,” Matsuda said. “I’m gonna postpone all other plans and leave campus for a bit. I’ll be waiting at the front gates for five minutes exactly. If you want to go, there’s your one and only window of opportunity. Got it?”

No response. Kamukura didn’t even seem to be looking at him.

With a scowl, Matsuda knocked him with the back of his fist. Even for a normal person it barely would’ve hurt, so, of course, Kamukura didn’t so much twitch. But, he did glance at him.

“Goooot it?” he droned. “Do you understaaaaaaand?”

“...Yes.” Kamukura nodded blankly. “Of course I do.”

“Good,” Matsuda huffed. “Geez, you’re so fucking obnoxious.”

--

The examination went as expected. He did his reports as expected, not so much as batting an eyelash at the leering and sneering from a bunch of gross older men whose faces blurred into a series of wrinkles. The same shit as always. What was he supposed to do at this point besides dish the usual salt and spite?

In the end, he was still under their thumb.

Theirs and hers.

For a place called Hope’s Peak, I’m being crushed, aren’t I? Ha. Ha.

Aah, what even was the point of it all?

He could ask himself that endlessly, but regardless of what answer he came up with, it’s not like he would live any other way.

Which is why a break wouldn’t just necessary, it was downright optimal. If he continued down this path without taking any breaks, he might end up snapping and trying to strangle the fucking Class Rep or something.

Yeah, that’d be...bad.

So no hard feelings about just fucking off today. None whatsoever.

The sun was as merrily bright as ever, the sky a sickeningly vibrant blue, and Matsuda had never been happier to just fucking leave this hellhole.

But he told himself he was going to stick around for five minutes, and he actually set a timer on his phone to make extra sure.

That asshole wouldn’t even appreciate this level of dedication. Then again, his brain didn’t even have room for appreciation with all that supposed talent stuffed in.

Why am I even doing this, then?

The situation was the same with the last question.

“Gross,” he grumbled. “Am I a fucking softie deep down after all?”

Were those reserve girls right about me? Ew. Ew.

“Urgh, I need to stop thinking about it...”

He checked his timer, and then...before he really realized it, he was watching it count down.

He might not even show up.

He might not even bother.

So why should I?

Why should I—

Beep, beep, beep.

“Matsuda Yasuke-kun.”

Matsuda perked up, and, sure enough, there Kamukura stood, broody nonchalance as expected, right on the dot.

“...Could have showed up earlier, asshole.”

Unsurprisingly, Kamukura ignored that remark.

“Where did you plan on going?”

“Out,” he said. “Of here and this place. At least for a bit.”

“That is vague,” Kamukura replied. His expression didn’t change but Matsuda could just tell the guy was unimpressed.

“You’ll figure it out,” Matsuda scoffed and held out his hand. “Now, come on. Let’s hurry so that we don’t miss the train. We’re holding hands so that I don’t have to risk you wandering off, i-di-ot.”

Kamukura reached out and took his offered hand. He squeezed it once and then went limp like any doll would. Still, he followed Matsuda’s stride when Matsuda tugged him along.

And, really, wasn’t that the only thing that mattered?

I should just stop bothering with the whole thinking thing altogether.

--

He bought them both tickets, and he really shouldn’t have been surprised that with all the empty spaces on the train, Kamukura deemed appropriate to sit right next to him.

“You could have at least tied your fucking hair back.”

“Boring.”

“Urgh, you’re worthless at conversing.”

“False. One of my talents is Ultimate Conversationalist. I simply have no interest in exercising it.”

“...you’re worthless in general.”

No response to that. Kamukura just sat and stared at nothing as he always did.

Matsuda only sighed.

“This is your first time leaving the nest,” he said. “The least you could fucking do is fidget or something.”

“Boring.”

“Yeah that’s what I figured.” Another sigh. “Then just keep lookout, alright? I don’t want anyone who knows me to see us together. Can you do that?”

“I can.”

“...will you?”

“Boring.”

Matsuda’s eye twitched.

“...Taking that as a yes, you braindead talent gorilla. Consider yourself lucky.”

“Correct. I have Ultimate Luck as well.”

Matsuda stared into the void.

I might just be a masochist after all.

“False. You are more likely a mere sadist.”

“What the actual FUCK did I tell you about reading minds, you fucking fuckwit?!”

“Not to do it.”

“THEN DON’T DO IT?!”

“Boring.”

At this rate Matsuda was going to strangle him. And that would just go badly for everyone involved, he just knew it. Especially if it turned out he did have a sadistic streak, like Kamukura suggested.

Urgh. And Kamukura’s fucking hair was in his face. Urgh.

--

In the end, one of the first things he did after reaching their destination was buy a hair tie. He had to pull Kamukura’s hair back himself, and, unfortunately, he had enough experience with this kind of bullshit to actually pull it back into a pretty neat ponytail.

Gross.

“Wow, now you actually look like a human and not that fucking creepy-ass ghost bitch that apparently enters via TV,” he said, pulling away. “Too bad you’re never going to feel human. Despairing.”

Matsuda’s face twisted a bit at the taste of that last word, but, of course, Kamukura didn’t comment on it.

“...Right. Let’s keep walking.”

The city was bustling as ever, several people just walking about and minding their own business. Flashing billboards and traffic lights, cars rushing by, skyscrapers that really matched the name... It was noisy and obnoxious and he felt better already.

Kamukura stuck by closer than he had to, but Matsuda overlooked that for now.

“Let’s see,” he hummed. “What to do, what to do... Hey, Kamukura, one of your talents is Ultimate Tourist, right?”

“Yes. That said, I do not care.”

“Man,” Matsuda whistled. “You really are such a waste of science and space that it seriously pisses me off sometimes.”

But, at this point, I’m just resigned to it like I’m resigned to all the other shitty stuff in my life.

“Let’s just go around and do whatever meets my fancy,” he said. “Since you’re worthless, I’ll have to pull both our weights. I won’t hear any complaints.”

Kamukura said nothing to that. Good.

The talent gorilla could listen after all.

--

True to this word, they just did whatever he felt like.

The walked around for a bit to observe different buildings, and he did some shopping for new slippers and sandals. Kamukura followed him around like a dutiful dog, but remained rather quiet and largely disinterested even when Matsuda wandered around a museum to stare at various sculptures and paintings. Or when Matsuda dragged him to a rather high-end restaurant. Kamukura only seemed interested in nibbling on bread. But, when Matsuda ordered him a soup, he was more focused on ‘fixing’ it with spices than actually eating it.

It really, really was to be expected. But, at least Kamukura did eat it all. No reaction, though. At least, on his face.

“The food at Hope’s Peak is vastly superior to this. So why eat here? Is it just for the experience?”

“Of course it’s for the experience, you dumbass.”

They still got ice cream at one of the stands afterwards.

“I’m getting strawberry, and you’re getting...?”

“I don’t care.”

“Vanilla, then. Got it.”

Kamukura finished his ice cream as swiftly as the soup. Again, no reaction, and this time, not even so much as any additional commentary afterwards.

And so it went.

“There are various shows at the theatre,” Kamukura said after they passed the theatre in question. “Do you have no interest in that?”

“Do you?”

“...No, I do not.”

And went.

“This city doesn’t have much, but even here there are binoculars,” Matsuda muttered as they waited in the glass elevator, watching the city go lower and lower as they got higher and higher. “I wonder if that’s a must-have for any big city... Or something like that?”

“How boring,” Kamukura replied. “So boring.”

Matsuda snorted.

“At this rate, you might upgrade from lamp to animatronic. I guess that’s impressive in a despairing way.”

And isn’t that what the researchers want? Ultimate Hope Puppet.

Either way, Kamukura gave no further verbal comment. Matsuda sneezed.

“Urgh.”

They arrived at the highest floor. People were more scattered and there was a lot more space to walk without having to avoid brushes of accidental contact. Matsuda made a beeline for the binoculars mounted on the stalk. Kamukura followed, ever dutiful, and for a moment, Matsuda paused to look out the wide windows showcasing endless blue. There were barely any clouds in sight.

“Alright, let’s see what fuckers are jaywalking.”

“You would really waste money and time on such a worthless activity?” Kamukura asked.

Matsuda merely flashed the yen coin before slotting it in.

“Of fucking course.”

He had plenty of coins and plenty of time to kill even now, so why the hell not, right?

“Hey,” he said after a few attempts. “Try this. I want to know how many you get. My record’s fourteen.”

“How boring.”

“Fucking do it, Kamukura.”

Kamukura rolled his eyes but he did step forward, poised and ready. Matsuda entered the coin and sucked in his breath.

Kamukura only moved as fast as the binoculars would allow him but it was still pretty fast. People were even staring. This might’ve been a bad idea.

Aah, to hell with it, Matsuda decided, rubbing at his neck. It’s only for what, two minutes and a half?

“Seventy-seven.”

“Wow. What the fuck.”

“I could sense hundreds more,” Kamukura said. “But with these binoculars I could only explicitly observe seventy-seven.”

Matsuda nodded, unsurprised yet mildly impressed. Not that he’d ever show it.

“Do you think you could observe more if I slot in another coin?”

Kamukura’s eyes narrowed.

“That would be a waste of time and money.”

“I’m doing it.”

Matsuda didn’t even skip a beat and slotted in another coin.

--

Before he knew it, the sun was setting, and they’d definitely need to get going. Well, shit.

“Time really flies,” Matsuda sighs. “I guess it’s a matter of what you’re doing and who you’re spending your time with. Or something.”

“Time passes as it always does,” Kamukura said. “It is merely your awareness of it that shifts.”

Matsuda gave a harder, heavier sigh.

“We really should hurry back,” he said. “It’s risky for you to be gone for this long although, I’m sure you can circumvent any issues that arise.”

“I can.”

“It must be nice,” Matsuda went on. “Having no worries and no feelings whatsoever.”

Suddenly, Kamukura stopped in his tracks. Matsuda paused as well. Others continued to bustle about, the world continued turning. Matsuda, however, did not turn back.

“You got something to say?” he simply asked.

“I...” Kamukura paused. “It is not nice. It is merely nothing at all. It is boring.”

“Is that it?” Matsuda asked, turning to him with a raised brow. “You’re really disappointed about us not having time for the theatre after all, huh? It’s your fault. You took so long to eat your damn food.”

Kamukura said nothing, his lips drawn in an impassive line.

“Maybe next time,” Matsuda said. “With any luck—which I know you have—there’ll actually be something decent playing. Or something. We could also try an amusement park or something. They might have a Ferris Wheel, which would probably be better for jaywalker-spotting. That might be something.”

One of the first rides I ever went on was the Ferris Wheel because that bitch dragged me onto it.

Still, no response.

“C’mon,” Matsuda said, gesturing with his shoulder. “We got a train to catch, remember?”

He walked back and took Kamukura’s hand to pull him along.

“God, you really are so fucking hopeless.”

--

There wasn’t anyone else in the train car with them on the ride back. This time, at least, Kamukura sat across instead of right next to him. With the orange, dulling light, Matsuda felt his eyelids flutter. He yawned and began to slump.

“Mm... Wake me up when we’re nearing our stop... Mmgh...”

“Matsuda Yasuke-kun.”

Matsuda perked up blearily, squinting with confusion and irritation.

“...what is it?”

“Tell me,” Kamukura said. “What was your true motive for all of this? Leaving campus, insisting I go with you, dragging me along to all these mundane locations, subjecting me to unremarkable experiences... Would you truly have done all that if you were alone?”

“Aah, what’s this? The supposed savant of everything actually asking a question he doesn’t know the answer to?”

“It is not like that,” Kamukura replied, almost snappily. “I merely wish to hear your answer in your own words.”

“...does that matter to you?”

No initial response.

“Answer my initial question,” Kamukura demanded coldly.

If he were anyone else, he most certainly would have been intimidated. But, he was himself, so he didn’t really care. With a sigh, Matsuda leaned his head back and sighed.

“...seeing you sitting despondently in that empty lab, all day, every day, really seriously pissed me off. I wanted to drag you out of there if only for a little bit. But, as you know, I can’t exactly force you to do anything...”

“Why?” Kamukura asked when he started to trail off. “Do you have a personal reason as to why you had such a desire?”

...a personal reason...

Matsuda’s gaze narrowed sharply.

So that’s what this is about.

“...back when I was a kid, my mom died from sickness,” he found himself saying. “Her condition had been so bad that my dad, the fucker, had packed his bags and fucked off somewhere. When she finally died—unsurprisingly, I didn’t take it well.”

But I wonder if you already figured all that. It’s on my file.

Did Kamukura care enough to read that?

It didn’t matter.

“I didn’t leave my house for over a week. I barely left my room if I could help it. I mostly ate snacks, pissed in some bottles, spent most of my time sleeping or...lying around reading manga...” Matsuda laughed softly and dismally. “It got so despairing that even that stupid, dumb cheap bitch got worried.”

How long ago was that...? What day was it? What was even the season?

He didn’t remember. He knows that the sky must have been the same, at least.

“If that idiotic childhood friend of mine didn’t take matters into her own hands... If she hadn’t dragged me out then...and again...and again...when I otherwise would have been content to just wasting away like any other corpse...” Matsuda shook his head. “Well, even now I’m a dead man walking...all thanks to that girl. So I guess...seeing you like that... I couldn’t help but interfere.”

And Kamukura merely sighed.

“...I see,” he said. “So you had an underlying compassion after all. How boring. I predicted this.”

“Now don’t get the wrong idea,” Matsuda said, just as coolly. “It’s definitely not like I’m a good person for doing all this, y’know?”

With the harshness of the orange, the shadows looked so much darker. The world looked all the duller under such vibrancy.

“A good person wouldn’t have helped make you.”

Without even a pause.

“...I know this.”

“Good,” Matsuda huffed. “It’s best not to forget something like that. After all, my childhood friend—she is, without question, the worst person to ever live.”

“...you’ve told me as much before,” Kamukura said, quieter than usual.

With that, Matsuda let his eyes fall shut.

--

It was starting to get dark when they returned to the gates of Hope’s Peak Academy.

“Aah... Wow, it’s...late.”

“Yes.”

Matsuda scratched at his scalp, grumbling.

“Wow, I seriously wasted a day like that... Pretty impressive for a waste of space.” A pause. “Sorry. Two wastes of space.”

“You seem proud of yourself.”

“I’m a pretty proud waste of space,” Matsuda said. “That’s all there is to it.”

Kamukura hummed noncommittally.

“Before you go and become one with the fucking night like I’m sure you’ve always wanted to do,” he went on. “Remember what I said, alright? Don’t stay in that dinky empty lab all the damn time if you can help it. Even if I’m not there to take you somewhere, it wouldn’t hurt to just...go for a walk by yourself.”

There was a rustle from the cold late breeze. It really was quiet, save for the hooting of some owl he’s sure tamed by the creepy wannabe goth freak from the class opposite of his.

“You never know what you’ll find, even if you just stick to here,” he found himself saying. “There are all kinds of colorful characters at Hope’s Peak Academy.”

“How boring.” Kamukura’s look seemed to darken—or maybe that was just the shadows. “I could not care less for the lesser talented individuals frolicking about.”

“I figured you wouldn’t,” Matsuda sighed. “But I think it’s best to not limit the faces you see to the ugly mugs of the researchers and mine. That’ll definitely make your brain molder.” He waved his finger. “And if nothing else, blue skies and green grass are more stimulating than gray floors, gray walls, and that gray as fuck ceiling I’m sure you memorized by now.”

“I have,” Kamukura said.

Matsuda snorted. “Of course you have; so you see my point.”

“Yes,” he replied. “But I could offer an easy counter.”

“Well, don’t,” Matsuda scowled. “Instead just listen to what I have to say. Let the words fucking soak into that overstuffed brain of yours.”

Kamukura stared back, and in this increasing dark, those crimson eyes were the only source of light save for the scattered stars above.

Fucking. Creepy.

“I’m done talking,” Matsuda said. “So go...disappear off into the fucking night like a goddamn ghost. I won’t keep you waiting.”

And yet, Kamukura waited a little while longer.

“...today was not unpleasant,” he said. “When do you predict we will be able to do this again?”

Matsuda blinked.

“...Aah, what’s this?” he asked. “The supposed savant of everything actually asking a question he doesn’t know the answer to?”

“...I am not omniscient, Matsuda-kun,” Kamukura said. “You know that. You know me better than anyone or anything.”

...do I...?

Another rustling breeze.

Do I really?

...

When you put it like that, it’s almost like we’re friends or something.

Disgusting.

“...Kamukura, I...” He stopped himself, ducking his head. No... “I don’t know. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Good night.”

Kamukura reached up and pulled out his hair tie, shaking his head and letting his hair fall freely. He returned it quietly, and Matsuda took it back.

Of course. The researchers would question if he suddenly had a hair tie on him.

Matsuda squeezed it, and by then, Kamukura was already long gone.

It would be a cold, lonely trip back to his dorm. But it was alright.

Tomorrow would be another bright and shining day at Hope’s Peak Academy—and it would be hell as it always is.

--

Bright. Shining. Hopeful.

“This is an announcement from Hope’s Peak Academy’s School Trip Executive Committee! Good mooooorning, everyone, love, love! It’s another hopeful, shining, tropical day! Everyone, do your best and give it your all! Love, love!”

Hell.

“Urgh... Too early for this shit...”

Matsuda threw an arm over his eyes with a heavy sigh.

I’m in charge of collecting materials today, right? Troublesome.

Considering he tended to get partnered up with one of the aggressive athlete meatheads, he’d risk the door keeping knocked off the hinges if he took too long to show up. And then he’d have to ask that simpering neon shark-face mechanic to fix the damn thing.

For fuck’s sake... I don’t want to do that.

And so, Matsuda pushed himself up.

...But I need to keep collecting hope fragments, huh...?

“Mmm...”

I need to keep a closer eye on Komaeda out of principle... And Hinata... Well, he’s...

...also someone I feel the need to be close to...for whatever reason...

Ugh. It was way too early for a headache.

Matsuda scowled as he popped in some pills and swallowed.

“...making friends...” He sighed. “Geez, I’ve never had friends before in my life. What makes that rabbit bitch think I could possibly make friends?”

After mom died... No, even before that... I’ve never been close to anyone before...

...right?

“Ugh...” His head really was throbbing, but the medicine would kick in soon enough, and he would, rather blissfully, just stop thinking. “Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter.”

He slid his legs off the bed and stood, going straight to the window, showcasing what really was, for all intents and purposes, an island paradise.

“Another vacation day in hell,” he muttered sardonically, and yanked the curtains closed.

[x-negan]

Lost And Found - (Negan Fic) Chapter 2: Choices

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1

Summary: Elise has difficulty choosing between reality or a fantasy.

Word Count: 2,215

Warnings: Swearing (not a lot), Angst

Author’s Note: Hey guys, here is chapter 2! I had a bit of difficulty writing this one because I generally have trouble wording things and overthink every sentence. I only want to publish good chapters. Never will I half-ass anything, I want you guys to enjoy reading this! No Negan this chapter SORRY( this is a slowburn) but he is mentioned. He will finally make an appearance in Chapter 3 (not really a spoiler but y’know just a heads up). With that being said, ENJOY ! :)

No beta reader for this chapter, I apologize for any errors or mistakes!

“Wake up Elise, you’ll be late for your first day at work!” a familiar voice boomed.

I opened my eyes, only to shut them again once a ray of sunlight made contact with my yet unadjusted corneas. Rubbing them gently and hoisting my upper body from what felt like a bed, examining my surroundings.

“What’s going on?” I thought silently, jerking my head from left to right trying to comprehend what I was seeing, it was my old room. From my old house when life was simpler. Daylight shined in through a crack between the blue drapes, it’s tint of color coating the room.

I snapped my head to the right when I heard the door to the room open, jumping off the bed and grabbing the nearest object— a pen that previously laid on the nightstand.

But there she stood, confusion in her stare. “What are you doing sweetie? Stop foolin’ around and get ready. You fought real hard for this job so don’t go messing it up now ‘cause you want 5 more minutes of sleep,”

It was my mom.

My breath hitched, I stared her up and down in disbelief as the hand that held the pen fell to my side. My body which was tense relaxed at the sight of her.

How was she alive? How were we back here?

“Job?..”  I queried in nearly a whisper. It took me a second to remember  she was referring to the job I had landed as a secretary at a journalism company before the apocalypse. It was a small position but it promised a good pay. Her medical bills were increasing and her monthly salary wasn’t enough to pay them off.

“Earth to Elise? Honey what’s with you this morning?” She strolled to where I stood, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. My eyes met with hers, tears threatening to slip out, I must be dreaming.

“I thought you were dead..” My voice breaking as I admitted. Her lips formed a soft smile, her eyes giving the most tenderly look. “Only in that horrible world Eli, here I’m alive,”

“What do you mean ‘here’?”  Was I right about this being a dream?

She relieved her hold on my shoulders and sat down on the corner of the bed pulling on her right ear gently. This was enough to confirm my doubts, I knew her all too well. She had the habit of tugging on either one of her ears every time she felt the need to confess anything.

“You’re unconscious, you have been for two days. This is a dream but it doesn’t have to be sweetie..”

I gave her a look of uncertainty. She sighed softly before continuing, “If you decide not to wake up then you could live here with me forever. I know how much you missed me—missed this. Back when life was normal,”

It all sounded very tempting, to simply stay in this moment when everything was uncomplicated. To not wake up to a life where people killed each other for a can of food. She was alive here, and I was starting to doubt if I ever wanted to wake up.

I scratched at my scalp gently, staring at the ground running my digits through my hair as a way to get the lone strands that had fell to my face out of the way.

I was actually thinking about it.

“Those Hillsiders aren’t your family Elise, I am.” She said contemptuously. I looked up—her words unsettling me. The people at Hillside are very close to me, they had kept me safe and made what was a shitty life not so shitty.

She knew nothing about being alone for weeks, worrying about not living to see another day. Not sleeping due to fear of being attacked or killed. Life before Hillside was hell.

“They are my family, they’ve done so much for me when all you did was die.” I snapped, soon regretting my words. It’s true that I didn’t resent her for dying, but she hadn’t been there for me anymore.

Her kind eyes became a darker shade as she stood up from where she sat. In a blink of an eye I felt a cool breeze pass over my body, causing me to shiver.

We were no longer in the comfort of my bedroom—but in the woods.

“You were always ungrateful,” she hissed, each stride she took towards me was a time her expression grew sinister.

This wasn’t my mother anymore.

“That man should have never saved you. If he had left you to die we could have lived together forever, but it seems that I’ll have to do it myself.”

She raised both her hands and placed them on my chest, harshly shoving me backwards. I lifted my hands as they grazed hers, hoping she would hold on to me.

But there she stood at the very top from where I was moments ago, smiling as I continued to descend. The only thought running through my mind being,

“What man?”

My eyes fluttered open, I darted my vision all around the room in worry I was in yet another dream but to my relief I saw Jessie sat across from the bed I laid in. He had fallen asleep on a armchair. I wasn’t going to bother waking him, but the sound of Rosemarie walking in caused him to anyway.

She caught a glimpse of me and hurriedly made her way to the other side of the bed. “Oh my god Elise! You’re awake!” She nearly shouted in excitement.

Jessie stood up and rushed to my side as if he didn’t believe it to be true.

“Please don’t yell.. My brain can’t take shouting at the moment.” I swallowed hard, my throat painfully dry.

Jessie made note of my struggling to even swallow my own saliva and quickly picked up a glass of water from my nightstand.

I began to attempt sitting up, grunting with each movement I made, my body felt extremely sore and the pain in my left thigh wasn’t any less worse.

“Hold your horses cowgirl, you took a really big fall. Rest for now, okay?” Jessie said with firm persistence.

He lightly placed his free hand on my shoulder, ushering me to lay back down as if I was fragile glass waiting to break. I lifted my head slightly enough to take a few small sips as he tilted the glass cup downwards.

Resting my head back down on the pillow I sighed softly, exchanging glances with them as they both stood over me. Worry in their expressions.

The room was quiet, neither of them could form words. So I took this opportunity to ask the nagging question in my head,

“How did I fall?” I was definitely sore, but I couldn’t remember falling from anywhere or anything to make me feel such discomfort. My dream was only that— a dream.

A pretty shitty one too.

“You fell off a cliff Elise! Broke 3 ribs, have multiple deep scratches on your skin and even had a branch that skewered your leg!” I blinked a few times, trying to process the words that left Rose’s mouth.

“Thank goodness you’ll still be able to walk, Lauren says no major arteries were hit.” Rose assured with a bright grin.

Lauren was the only one at Hillside with knowledge about medicine, she was practically our doctor. Whenever anyone became sick or hurt, she was the one to nurse them back to health.

From what she’s told us, she wasn’t a surgeon before the apocalypse, simply a nurse in training. She doesn’t even know how to handle a surgical knife, so now I’m left to hope she knew what she was doing with my leg.

Though no matter how much I tried to remember, my mind continued drawing blanks. I apparently nearly died yet here I was with not even a clue as to what went down.

My lips parted a bit, a breath escaping. I lifted my right hand to massage my aching temples. Rose’s yelling—which I told her to keep at a minimum had managed to bring on a migraine. Only to feel a tug before my hand even reached the side of my head, I was attached to an IV drip. I didn’t even know Hillside was equipped with these until now.

“Who found me?” I asked, I wish I could remember what happened that day. What exactly went wrong, and who saved my life.

Rosemarie and Jessie both looked up to each other on cue, as if agreeing on something in silence for a drawn out second before directing their gazes back down at me,

“I did silly.” Jessie teased softly, something in eyes contradicting what he said.

Who was I to doubt my best friend? Of course he was the one to save me, he was always by my side. But there was a small feeling inside my chest, a small part of me didn’t believe him. It felt like someone else had the person who found me nearly dead,  but I couldn’t recall and it was of no use to think back on it.

“Thanks for saving my life, greatest friend award goes to you.” The three of us chuckled, my effort at a joke paying off. I winced slightly in between laughs, my ribs were hurting like hell and laughing only added onto the botheration.

If I hadn’t woken up from the dream it would have been a selfish move on my part. I have two friends that stand by me and even care for me— had Hillside. A near death experience didn’t make me realize it, it solidified it.

The handle of the room’s door clicked, slowly turning as the door gradually opened, Giana entered holding a bowl of what I guessed was soup. She glanced over to me, a smile shaping her lips. “A little birdie told me you were finally awake.. Or maybe someone heard Rose’s shouts and relayed it back to me,” She joked approaching the side of the bed where Rose stood giggling to herself.

“I brought you something to eat, you must be hungry.” And I was, I had been out cold for 2 days with nothing in my stomach, I was bound to be starving.

I eagerly nodded in response, the soup’s aroma invading my nostrils.

“Uhm could you two leave Elise and I alone for a bit? I need to fill her in about what happened,” Jessie and Rose’s expressions had gone from joyful to grim.

As requested by Giana, both of them left the room, leaving us alone.

She placed the bowl on the nightstand, the bed dipping as she sat down near my legs. I was becoming worried, Giana was always cheerful; normally never serious. As I was seeing her manners shift, I knew something grave had occurred.

“While you were unconscious, a group of survivors came to the community threatening to kill us if we didn’t agree to their proposition. They want half of our supplies.” With my eyes closed, I took a deep breath, internally waiting for Giana to continue.

“I agreed to it, Elise.” She said in a dry tone. I popped my eyes open, my glare showing I was more upset than she anticipated.

We barely had any supplies of our own yet here she was, telling me she was ready to hand half of it over to a group of assholes.

“Why would you do that? We don’t even have much to give!” I argued.

Giana exhaled a small breath as she held onto the bridge of her nose.

“You’re setting us up to starve and d—” I was cut off when she stood from the bed and took my left arm into her grasp. I winced at the sudden harsh gesture, my eyes darting up at hers.

This wasn’t like Giana, but I could tell the stress from knowing herself already that the community was at the brink of starvation and then having to give supplies that her own people desperately needed to others, was building up.

“I did this so that we wouldn’t die! They said they’d kill every single one of us if we didn’t comply!” She objected in a panicky tone. She realized a few seconds later how rough her hold on my arm was before she released her grip.

Her appearance became gentle as she went on,

“It was the same day you were found and brought back. The leader of the group was the one to bring it up. I couldn’t refuse him, Elise.” Her eyes closed as she softly caressed the section of my arm she had so bitterly grabbed.

I didn’t doubt a bruise would form soon, it would be one out of the many that now covered my body like a canvas.

“What was his name?” I grew curious of the man who was bound to ruin the lives of those who lived in Hillside— my family.

Her boots tapped the floor as she walked towards the door, turning to face me once again.

Her voice nearly a whisper,

“Negan” she answered.

She closed the door on the way out, leaving me to repeat the name over and over again in my head.    

That’s chapter 2 folks! I hope you enjoyed reading it and are still interested! It means a lot to receive any kind of feedback or support. 

I’m working on chapter 3 so it’ll be released either next week or the week after that.

If you would like to be tagged or removed from the tag list, please message me!

Tag list: @the-sanctuaryy , @castielwinchester22 , @make-things-beautiful2 , @xagateophobiax , @collette04 , @chiwawha , @neganismyobsession , @dinodiegos , @fxcking-negan

[flyswhumpcenter]

Nurse Café - Chapter 3/6: “Brain in a Daze, Stars in Your Eyes“

PREVIOUS CHAPTER / NEXT CHAPTER

Fic Summary: Life could have honesty been simpler than that for Hokuto, a second-year Liteature major. There’s, however, someone out there willing to just make it easier on him.

Fandom: Ensemble Stars! (College/Coffeeshop AU) Ships: HokuAn (Anzu/Hokuto)

AO3 version available here.

-------------------------------------

Chapter Summary: In a haze, Hokuto realizes a few things and makes a few conclusions based on said things.

Chapter Wordcount: 1.5K words

Chapter Notes: Yes, this contains that good shit we're all here for: pinning Hokke. Kind out of nowhere too, but hey, I really wanted to write about that for some reason lol. I'll blame it on the absolute goodness that is "sir, you're buying too many flowers". That'll do, yeah. This fic was meant to end with chapter 3 and, while I do have the final chapter already in the works, I decided to add shippier chunks like this one and the next chapter. I guess Enstars came back for my inspiration, haha. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this unplanned chapter of Nurse Café, and come around for more! I promise I know where I'm going with this, lol.

---------

A vague memory reached in his brain in a moment of half-consciousness. A vague, hazy memory of childhood times, of a past illness. His parents’ muffled voices, his grandmother’s smile warming back his heart left shivering. A day spent in bed, because getting up was impossible and he just felt too dizzy as soon as he tried looking up. Dad was there a lot more than usual, so was Mom, and it was weird and odd: he wasn’t used to having them near his bed so much, their hands cold against his skin, their words here to soothe him. For once, he hadn’t felt alone. The vague memory was sweet, despite its bitter undertones.

A tear was falling down Hokuto’s cheek when he eventually woke up from the daze.

 Growing back to consciousness was like reaching the surface and emerging out of the water after a long, comatose dive into a warm pool. It wasn’t exactly the worst feeling in the world, even if his head felt hot and stuffed, heavy on his neck. Even then, he still felt slightly less terrible than before, as he could actually sit up, yawning. Not the most gracious way to go about with it, but that’d have to do: he could honestly not stir more energy inside of him to be less disgraceful than that.

The place was still less than familiar, but now, he could at least put a name on it: Anzu’s flat, in the college dorms. Quickly glancing around, almost getting himself dizzy from the sudden move, she was nowhere to be found: most likely gone to attend class, like a model student. Like he should have been doing, in fact, if he wasn’t stuck there with an unfinished presentation waiting for him in his flat and… wait. Those weren’t his clothes.

 Confused yet again, he started looking around even more for answers. The curtains of the window were closed, but sunlight still sipped through them: it was daytime. On the bedside table right next to him, the precise answer figured on her alarm clock: it was already past eleven in the morning. The class he had the presentation in? Eight o’clock. Not only had he not completed his slideshow for it, he had actually somehow missed the entire thing altogether.

He glanced at his clothing. Those were cute pyjamas, sure, but they clearly didn’t belong to him. Not to mention, considering how they stuck to his skin, he’d have to wash them and give them to whomever they belonged to: Isara, he presumed, considering Anzu had been with him when he had almost woken up enough to go back home.

 Go back home. That was what he needed to do.

Too bad his legs didn’t agree and let him fall pitifully on the floor after a long moment spent contemplating his own predicament.

 Still, he rose back to his feet thanks to a chair that happened to be nearby and sat down on the bed, blinking away black spots. Okay, bad idea, he got it: there was no way he’d be able to drag himself out of this without the threat of passing out in the middle of the campus. He was also just realizing he didn’t have his phone on him: he had, in fact, left it before getting his cup of coffee on the day before. Talk about a terrible decision. Well, not that the migraine he was currently afflicted with was going to make it any easy to actually read something on said phone’s screen.

Maybe he should go take a shower… but he needed to ask for Anzu’s permission before doing so, didn’t he? He was already sleeping in her bed, that was more than enough amenities of hers he was using more or less against his will. Ah, that was inconvenient… At least, there was one relief to be found: there was still a glass, a bottle of water and some pills on the bedside table, left there, catching his stinging eye.

 This was the one thing he could do, now. Even then, his limbs were still heavily lethargic, so he was slow and clumsy with his hands. Downing a couple pills was absurdly difficult for him, despite how simplistic the gesture seemed in his mind. He was pathetic, this much was clear, but falling back on the bed after just drinking a glass of water was absolutely pitiful for someone his age and constitution. He may have just woken up and tried doing something with his day, and yet, all he wanted to do was going back to sleep…

Still, he should get moving… He felt uneasy staying here for much longer, as close as he was to giving up and falling back asleep. The bitter aftertaste lingering in his mouth made him miss konpeito and, at this point, he’d rather have passed out than having to bear tears coming to his eyes. Why was he feeling so lonely, all of a sudden? He had been alone for so long, he didn’t need to cry like a child over being left on his own for legitimate reasons and—

“Ah, good morning, Hokuto! Are you feeling any better?”

 His throat immediately went dry, knotting. He wiped his eyes as quickly as possible and went back to sitting somewhat properly.

“G-good morning, Anzu,” barely managed to make it out of his throat.

He observed her, vaguely following along, when the world was spinning all around her smiling self as she went to pick some things from another room (the bathroom, he assumed. He had never been to her place before this whole fiasco happened, it was difficult to tell which room was which or even how many rooms there were). Her presence made his mind feel better, soothing the sudden affliction he got hit with merely minutes before.

 Time’s course was also severely disturbed and hindered by the heat in his head, so he couldn’t truly give an estimate of how little time she had spent in another room before coming back, sitting on the chair while humming a familiar song. If he didn’t know any better, he’d have assumed she found this stuff fun. That made no sense, though, considering he was noting but disgusting at the moment, so he brushed it off as his fever messing up with him.

Which, in itself, was a convenient thought to have right as she took it again, putting a hand under his bangs. Her palm was cold, like Grandma’s had been all those years ago; and, just like Grandma, Anzu didn’t seem bothered in the slightest by how soaked they were. Just realizing this made him want to bawl in his grandmother’s arms again, but he needed to keep at least a tiny bit of his dignity and, as such, opted to swallow his pride instead.

 “Thirty-nine point one…” Anzu whispered to herself as she stared at the thermometer. “You’re far less warm than yesterday, but it’s still not good either. At least, your fever’s broken, that’s a relief already.”

He missed her hand as soon as it was gone from his forehead, yet didn’t feel like adding anything to the conversation: he had, honestly, very little energy to begin with and didn’t feel like wasting her time listening to some feverish rambling about whatever his brain was still in a decent condition to emit.

“You should stay here for another day, don’t you think? Maybe just this evening, if you get better during the day. You still look really tired.”

It was odd to let her do all the talking, considering how quiet she usually was, but this he didn’t mind: in fact, her voice was the one sound that didn’t grate against his pounding head, not unlike a cushion whenever everything else was there to worsen it. To be fair, she was purposely keeping it low; or so she seemed, to him, at least.

“Mao had the idea yesterday, but we still wanted to ask you. Can I go to your place and get some of your stuff? I’m sure you’d like to have your own clothes around!”

“Sure…”

 Anzu went back to her feet, grabbing something lying on a nearby table. Most likely his flat key, but his unfocused eyes couldn’t really tell from this distance. At least, the world had stopped spinning all around him, it was enough of a satisfaction for now.

“Ah, before I leave you for a couple minutes,” she turned back to him, still smiling, “do yourself a home. I’ll be at work this afternoon, but I should be back by six. See you later, Hokuto.”

“I…” In the end, his resolve to leave had crumbled away again. “See you later…”

 As the door closed behind her, he was left dumbfounded. The balm on his heart had started to go cold once again, leaving him melancholic and teary-eyed. He knew about how moody he could get whenever he was tired or sick, but being both at the same time was making nothing easier, and he decided he’d finally give this shower a shot.

It was that or falling back into bed and contemplating his own boggling, confused feelings anyway; and he wasn’t ready just yet to admit to have fallen for someone this way.

[theshatteredrose]

How about Lynus having a sick day~?

AN: Ok, this oneshot took a life of its own. It’s over four thousand words long and I kept going back and changing things because I kept thinking of cuter and fluffier ideas! D: I lose control when it comes to Lynus and fluff, it seems. Ah, who cares? Hope you enjoy reading!

Some Well Deserved Pampering

Lynus had never been all that self-aware of his own health. His healing abilities would abruptly drop in strength whenever it came to healing himself. It was something he had been meaning to work on for a while now. It was just…he always had better things to do. More important things to do.

Even so, when he woke up that morning, his head pounding from a migraine, his throat dry and sore, his joints aching, he knew that he could not just brush it aside like he had done numerous times before. He was sick with a fever. A fever meant an infection somewhere. A cold, perhaps. Or maybe it was due to stress? Probably from not eating enough or something. It could even be due to the sudden change in weather. Maybe even…

Lynus was pulled from his jumbled musings when something soft and cool was suddenly placed against his forehead. Forcing his eyes to open, he rolled his head to the side to see Axel sitting on a chair pulled close to his bed. Though his vision was blurred, he could easily make out the worry on Axel’s face.

“Axel?” Lynus murmured, briefly surprised by how croaky his voice sounded.

“Hey,” Axel said as he leaned back into his seat, his smile a mixture of relief and concern. “How are you feeling?”

Lynus furrowed his brow when he realised that he had a moist cloth resting against his forehead. “What time is it?” he asked as he wiggled out a hand to gently touch at the cloth.

“It’s about 10am.”

“What? I slept in?” Lynus asked, his eyes widening in surprise. He tried to sit up, but instantly regretted it when the throbbing in his head intensified causing the room to tilt on its axis and he fell onto his side back onto the bed.

Axel immediately placed his hand on his shoulder which prompted Lynus to stop moving and to focus his attention on him once more. “Do you remember our conversation earlier this morning?” he unexpectedly asked.

Lynus looked at him in confusion. “Conversation?”

Axel pressed his lips together in a thin line, clearly displeased. “I’m getting Dr Stiles,” he said as he made the motion to stand up from his chair.

“N-no, don’t,” Lynus all but pleaded as he reached out to snare a grip on Axel’s shirt. “He’s a busy man. I’m fine, really.”

Axel sighed as he reached out to place his hands on either side of Lynus’ face and looked sternly into his eyes. “Lynus, you are a wonderful medic to all but yourself.”

It took a moment or two for the words to register in Lynus’ mind before he winced lightly. He really couldn’t argue with that. “Dr Stiles will be mad at me,” he murmured instead, actually quite afraid of seeing that stern, disapproving glare from his mentor.

The corner of Axel’s mouth twitched into a half smile. “I’ll protect you from him,” he said as he gently rubbed his thumb against Lynus’ left cheek bone.

Despite himself, Lynus laughed, even though it hurt his throat to do so. “No, really,” he insisted as he placed his hands atop of Axel’s. “I promise I’ll do absolutely nothing today.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Axel asked him as he pulled back his hands.

Lynus flopped back down onto the bed and held his forehead, the cooling cloth that had once been sitting there having slipped off when he tried to get up. “Let me think for a sec…” he murmured as his head was aching so much that he couldn’t concentrate.

“Imagine if it were someone else,” Axel suggested as he picked up the moist cloth and carefully placed it back upon Lynus’ forehead, offering him small form of relief. “Like Magnus or Macerio. Or even me. What would you do?”

Lynus raised his hand as he counted with his fingers. “Rest for recovery; medicine for headache; fluids for hydration; warmth for comfort; and cool cloth for fever.”

Axel was silent for a moment. “It should probably be amusing that you responded so quickly. But it’s not.”

Lynus grimaced. He was truly terrible at taking care and looking after himself, wasn’t he? “Sorry.”

Axel released an audible sigh as he gently raked his fingers through Lynus’ hair. “We can start to work on that later,” he said, his fingers soothingly massaging his scalp, his touch lulling him to a relaxed state. Lynus could easily fall asleep from the gentle touch alone.

“But, for now,” Axel continued. “It’s our turn to take care of your for once.”

Lynus smiled softly when the words slowly sunk in through his headache induced fog laden mind. He found himself snuggling willingly into the bedsheets when he felt Axel gently caress his cheeks before placing a soft, but warm kiss to his lips.

Content in the knowledge that everything will be fine, Lynus drifted off to sleep.

… … … … …

Lynus didn’t know how much time had passed when he had awoken from a somewhat fitful sleep by the feel of something quite cold being dabbed against his forehead. He opened his eyes, finding the sensation at first startling but then soothing, and rolled his head to the side slightly as to keep the cloth in place. He had expected to see Axel ever dutifully sitting by his bedside, instead he saw a certain blond-haired alchemist.

“S-sorry, is it too cold?” Magnus immediately squeaked when he realised Lynus was awake and abruptly folded his hands on his lap. “I-I used my ice magic to cool the water.”

“It’s soothing, thank you,” Lynus said in response, smiling at him.

Magnus looked relieved and it showed significantly in his smile. “I also brought some mint leaves, but you have a headache, right? Shen said that m-mint leaves are supposed to be cooling, but h-he also said the smell could be overpowering and…”

Oh? Magnus was actually blabbering. He really was adorable, wasn’t he?

“Hm,” Lynus hummed as he thought for a moment. “A couple of leaves in the cool water won’t hurt. Thank you.”

Magnus nodded his head eagerly as he pivoted in his seat and turned to pick up a few small mint leaves and drop them in a dish of water. “D-do you need anything else?” Magnus asked as he retrieved the compression cloth and placed it into the bowl to soak in for a while.

Lynus’ first instinct was to say no, he was fine, to not to worry anymore about him. But…allowing for others to care for him, allowing them to feel as though they were contributing to his health would give them the chance to feel as though they were giving something back to him, for all the times he cared for them when they were sick or injured. The need to feel wanted and useful; he couldn’t deny them that simply, but powerful desire.

“Could I have some water to drink?” Lynus asked as he pushed himself up slightly, moving slowly so not to cause himself any light-headedness and nausea from the movement.

“Yes,” Magnus immediately said with a smile before turning to do just that.

Lynus watched him as he silently moved about and couldn’t help but notice how…happy he looked to be of service for him. It was rare for Lynus to be on the receiving end of fussing and concern, except for a few occasions. He was the healer, after all. He was the one who did all the fussing about. So being on the other end of such attention…well, it was a learning curve for him that was for sure.

“Thank you,” Lynus said as he retrieved the cup of cool water from Magnus, wrapping both his hands tightly around it

As he took a sip, he was startled to realise how dry his mouth and throat was. The desire to drink the rest of the water quickly had to be subdued as he didn’t want to choke on the water itself. Having a coughing fit in front of Magnus would most likely scare the gentle alchemist.

After drinking as much as felt comfortable, Lynus gave Magnus a small smile as he handed back the cup before lying back down in bed.

Magnus placed the cup aside before he reached for the cloth still soaking in the bowl of water, wrung it out tightly and placed it back upon Lynus’ forehead. With his throat feeling slightly better and the cloth cooling is feverish face, Lynus found himself drifting back to sleep quite quickly. Although, just before he did, he felt someone grasp his hand softly and gently rubbing the back of his hand.

… … … … …

Lynus was fairly certain that only a couple of hours had passed since he had fallen asleep again. He stayed curled up in bed as he was warm and comfortable. He couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty, though, staying in bed and doing nothing.

The sound of his door opening and two hushed voices prompted Lynus to open his eyes and look over at the door of his room. He couldn’t help but allow a smile to appear on his lips when he realised that the voices he had heard belonged to Lirit and Macerio, the two most likely debating on whether or not it was ok to enter his room and potentially disturb him from his recuperation.

“Macerio, Lirit,” Lynus called out as he rolled onto his side. “I can hear you two.”

Lirit immediately whirled around to face him, a truly apologetic expression on his face. “Sorry,” he said as he and Macerio walked sheepishly into the room. “Did we wake you?”

Lynus shook his head as he smiled reassuringly at the two. “No, I was already half awake. Really.”

“How are you feeling?” Macerio asked as he fidgeted somewhat nervously in front of him, his hands toying with a button on his coat.

“Ah, a little restless to be honest,” Lynus replied as he managed to push himself upright, sitting up for the first time that day. “Lying in bed is getting a bit tedious, to be honest.”

Lirit unexpectedly frowned at him. “No, I won’t allow you access to any of your books.”

Despite himself, Lynus laughed. “Honestly, I wasn’t trying. I would like some company, though.”

Both Lirit and Macerio smiled, Lirit in an understanding manner while Macerio looked relieved. Macerio then unexpectedly began to prop pillows behind Lynus’ back to allow him to rest upright against them while Lirit moved across the room to pick up the cardigan that had been resting over the back of another chair. He then draped it over Lynus’ back before he pulled it close against his shoulders.

“You need to keep warm,” he said with a small smile on his lips.

Macerio then plonked himself down upon the chair that was closest to Lynus’ bed while Lirit perched himself on the edge of the bed. The two then started chatting aimlessly about what they had been doing that morning, how everyone took the news when Axel told everyone that Lynus was sick, and what they were going to do after Lynus was feeling better.

Lynus only participated lightly to their chatting, but it was nice being able to listen to the two nonetheless. Their voices and the way they regarded each other was a good kind of distracting. It made him forget for a little while how crappy he had felt.

It actually made him wonder if he could talk Dr Stiles into extending visiting hours for the patients at the hospital.

They chatted for an hour or so, Axel popping in and out now and again to see how Lynus was doing, but leaving to allow others of their guild to fuss over him as they wanted. After the umpteenth visit, however, they decided to leave Lynus to get some sleep in peace and quiet.

Lynus, however, found himself unable to settle back down. The bed was suddenly too constrictive and smothering. It was also rather hot and stuffy. And quiet. He knew that warmth and silence was far better for an ill person than the cold and distracting noises were, but he also didn’t want to start sweating and making himself feel even more sticky and uncomfortable.

He sat himself back up in bed and looked around miserably. He was starting to feel a little caged in, to be honest. He needed to at least get up and look around. Just to see how things were with everyone. Oh, he was sure they were perfectly capable of getting through the day without hurting themselves. He just…needed to get up and stretch his legs a little.

Lynus pushed back the blankets and placed his feet upon the floor. He sat on the edge of his bed for a moment as he fussed about putting on a woollen cardigan before he pushed himself to his feet. He had to move slowly as he was still a little lightheaded from the fever, but it felt good to stand up on his own feet and stretch his arms over his head.

Folding the cardigan tightly around himself, Lynus paddled his way over to the door and opened it. He clutched at his cardigan with one hand as he placed the other against the door frame to rest for a moment and to look around. He honestly hadn’t a clue what time it was. Late afternoon, probably.

As Lynus glanced over at the stairs leading to the ground floor, he momentarily wondered how far he would get before someone stopped him and tried to usher him back to his room. But as soon as that thought passed through his mind, the form of a blond-haired survivalist suddenly came into view and their gazes immediately caught one another’s.

“Should you be up?” Tobyn asked as he immediately made his way over to him.

“Sorry, I’m all right,” Lynus replied with a small smile when he noticed that Jhon had been right behind Tobyn, the protector also quickly making his way to stand before Lynus. “I was just starting to get a little stir crazy from staying in bed.”

“Yes, that happens to the best of us, I’m afraid,” Jhon said in an understanding manner before indicating to the stairs with a tilt of his head. “Would you like to sit in the tea room for a while? The fire is going, though.”

Lynus nodded his head and smiled. “Yes, that would be fine. Thank you.”

Jhon immediately offered his arm toward him. “Here. I’ll help you with the stairs.”

Yeah, the stairs would be a problem, wouldn’t it? The last time Lynus walked down them with a headache he fainted midway and could have hurt himself had Tobyn not caught him before he fell down the stairs. He was sure both Tobyn and Jhon remembered that time clearly.

As Lynus sent Jhon a grateful smile and reached out to take his arm for support, Tobyn suggested something completely unexpected, “Just pick him up. It’ll be easier.”

Lynus sent Tobyn a slightly bemused look before turning back to Jhon. “You don’t have-”

Jhon, however, abruptly cut him off by bending forward and effortlessly scooping Lynus up off the floor and into his arms. With an arm around the middle of his back and under his knees, Lynus immediately squeaked out in surprise and embarrassment as he grasped into Jhon’s shoulder out of instinct.

“Wow, you are light,” Jhon murmured, his brow furrowing slightly.

Lynus tried hard not to pout in annoyance. He had to take that with a grain of salt; Jhon was a protector, after all. His strength matched that of Axel’s. Of course he would be light to someone who could easily fend off the attack of a charging foe.

Jhon, thankfully, said nothing else as he turned and carried him breezily down the stairs. Lynus had to admit that Tobyn had a point; being carried was easier than being aided. But not everyone had the strength to literally sweep someone off of their feet. He was sure that Axel would have a laugh with Jhon about it later.

Mostly like after the blond-haired protector made a comment about his weight.

It was unsurprising that the tearoom already had company. Shen was there, attending to the fire place as Chi-hung looked on. They both turned, however, when they heard someone approach and had to do a double take when they realised that it was Jhon who was carrying Lynus.

Lynus flushed lightly in embarrassment at their two slightly bewildered looks, internally grateful that Shen chose not to comment. Instead Shen pushed himself to his feet and nodded his head in greeting at the three of them.

“I’ll go retrieve more firewood,” he said simply.

“Sure,” Jhon replied as he carefully placed Lynus upon the two sitter couch in the middle of the room, offering him warmth as well as leg space should he wish to sprawl out and go to sleep.

“Thanks,” Lynus said to Jhon as he gave him a bashful smile before he quickly turned his attention to the leaving ronin, calling out his name to pull him to a stop. “Ah, Shen? Thanks for recommending the mint leaves to Magnus. They were helpful.”

Again, Shen simply inclined his head in acknowledgement before he continued on his way. But just before he turned to leave, Lynus swore he saw a slight upturning on his lips.

Jhon watched Shen leave with a soft expression of amusement on his face before he turned his attention back to Lynus. “Could you handle having anything to eat?” he asked as Tobyn moved to hover nearby, appearing to want to be useful as well.

Lynus shook his head at Jhon’s question. “Honestly, no, not at the moment,” he said with a slight frown on his lips.

“Something to drink?” Tobyn suggested instead.

Tea sounded like a good idea, actually. “Could you ask Matron to make me some honey tea? It would be good for my sore throat.”

Tobyn seemed to perk up subtly at the prospect of doing something and nodded his head quickly. “I’ll go ask,” he said as he turned on his heel and quickly left the room.

“And I’ll go tell Axel where you are,” Jhon said as he continued to smile that polite, yet somehow amused and understanding smile of his. “We can’t have him wandering into your bedroom and not finding you there, can we?”

Knowing Axel, he was probably already looking for him. “Yes. Thank you.”

“Will you be all right on your own?” Jhon asked.

Lynus smiled softly as he gazed over at the fireplace. “Hm, I’m not on my own, am I, Chi-hung?”

Chi-hung, who had padded over the moment Jhon placed Lynus on the couch, responded by dropping his head upon Lynus’ lap with a purr, earning a small laugh from the medic.

Satisfied, Jhon nodded his head and promised to be back soon before quickly exiting the room as well. He needed worry about Lynus being alone for too long, though, as not a minute after he left and just as Lynus was settling back into his seat, idly rubbing Chi-hung’s ears, a certain pink-haired troubadour bounded into the room.

“Lynus!” Binah said happily as she quickly made her way over to him and all but hopped onto the couch next to him to reach out and hug him quickly. “How are you feeling?”

Lynus smiled warmly at her, noticing from the corner of his eye as Becky toddled into the room, her arms wrapped around a thick blanket. “Ah, a bit better than I was this morning,” he answered Binah before smiling over at Becky.

“H-hello,” Becky said in response as she placed the blanket over the arm of the chair next to Lynus. “I brought you a blanket. You need to keep warm when you’re sick.”

“Thank you,” Lynus said as he internally mused how he was going to convince Chi-hung to lift his head enough for him to drape the blanket over his legs. The white-tiger, after all, was happily purring on his lap due to being scratched behind the ear.

“Mama says that soup helps, too,” Becky continued. “W-would you like some?”

“I’m alright for now,” Lynus said in a reassuring way. “But I’ll try to have something to eat for dinner later.”

Becky appeared as though she wanted to ask him something else but fell quiet when Binah suddenly took Becky’s hand in hers and tugged her toward the door. “We’ll go tell Matron then,” Binah said simply before disappearing through the door.

Lynus tilted his head to the side slightly in confusion. He had expected the two to linger a little longer, but Binah seemed to be in a hurry for some reason. He hoped she didn’t have something planned involving the Guardian Guild and matchmaking again. He had noticed that she had set her sights on Lirit and Macerio this time.

He was pulled out of his musings, however, when a certain white-haired dark hunter stepped into the room, his hands shoved into his pockets and a somewhat…uncomfortable expression on his face. His appearance actually made Lynus wonder if Rahas was the reason Binah and Becky departed so quickly.

“Rahas?”

“…How you feeling?” he muttered as he wandered further into the room.

“I’m all right,” Lynus said out of habit as he continued to pat Chi-hung’s head, finding comfort in the way the white-tiger was pressing back against his hand. “Just overworked myself. You don’t have to worry.”

Rahas’ eyes caught his for a moment before he quickly looked away. “Yeah.”

Lynus couldn’t help but sigh, saddened at the tension that was obvious between them. “…Are you all right?”

Rahas, himself, also uttered a sigh as he scratched the back of his neck and continued to look at everything else but him. “Why would you ask that?”

“We’ve been…different lately,” Lynus murmured and chewed on his bottom lip.

Different as in…avoiding him. Hamza had suggested that time apart would be good, but Lynus still couldn’t help the guilt he felt whenever Rahas would all but scurry away from him should they happen to walk into the same room. He also appeared as if he was…hiding something. Something important.

“It’s nothing,” Rahas said in an unconvincing way. “I’ve just…been hanging around with Simmons. Nothing to worry about.”

A little surprised at the admission, Lynus wanted to ask him if he was doing it willingly, or was if it because of the tension between the two of them now. “Oh…ok,” he said instead, not wanting to force a confrontation between them. “It’s good to see you’re making friends.”

“Yeah…” Rahas murmured before he surprisingly (yet unsurprisingly) headed for the window, opened it up, and slipped out without making a single noise.

Lynus wasn’t entirely sure what drove Rahas to use the window instead of exiting the door that was wide open, the same door he just walked through. However, he soon realised why when Hamza entered the room, his gaze immediately flickering toward the open window. He didn’t linger there long, though, and soon turned his attention back to Lynus and smiled softly at him.

“Wish for me to close the window?” he asked simply.

But Lynus shook his head. “No. The fresh air is nice.”

“Ah, very well,” Hamza’s smile took on an edge of understanding before he turned back toward the door of the tearoom. “You have a visitor.”

Lynus, too, glanced over at the door and found himself sitting up straighter when a certain silver-haired troubadour appeared. “Cedric? Oh, good evening.”

“Hm, polite, even when ill,” Cedric returned with a sense of amusement in his tone. “You really are a treasure, aren’t you?”

Lynus gave the man a shy smile as Chi-hung finally lifted his head off of his lap to also regard the two new visitors. “Hah, I don’t know about that.”

“Hamza told me you weren’t feeling well,” Cedric said with empathy in his voice as he made his way over to him and picked up the blanket that was draped nearby and unfolded it. “You can imagine my surprise upon learning that. You’ve always seemed invincible.”

Lynus released a short laugh as he helped Cedric to drape the blank over he lap and legs, already feeling more comfortable and at ease. “I don’t know about that, either.”

Cedric smiled at him as Hamza busied himself with the fireplace once more. “How are you feeling?” he asked as he perched himself on the edge of the couch next to Lynus.

“Honestly, better than I did this morning,” Lynus said with a smile. “Everyone has been fussing over me all day.”

He was still getting used to it, honestly. All the fussing and concern. A small part of him still wanted to state that he was fine and not to waste any of their precious worry and concern over him. But another part, one that was slowly growing, wanted to be pampered just this once.

As the other members of his guild made their way into the tea room, Axel perching himself on the arm of the chair next to Lynus to kiss him on the forehead, Tobyn with the honey tea he had retrieved, Magnus with the bowl of chilled water for his linger fever, and Shen with more firewood, Lynus leaned back into the couch and smiled contently.

It was true. Being pampered once in a while wasn’t a bad thing.

[lostrosza-blog]

Feelings and entries

1-12-2017 I only had part of a biscuit today! I'm starting to see that my hair is falling out now... I can't touch my hair without it falling out. This reminds me of the last few months of senior year in high school when I couldn't even run my hands threw it without pulling quite a lot of strands. 1-18-2017 Today I weighed 122.2 pounds... I hadn't lost anything or gained anything... I still felt so good. A lot better than I have for a while. Closer to perfection. I can see the bones in my hands and my collar bones are sticking out. I can start to see my chest bones too. My rib cage is still a work-in-progress but it's getting there. If I lay down, my rib cage and hip bones stick out a little bit. I felt super accomplished. I did so well today until 4 pm... I hate myself for binging. I wanted to purge so bad but it usually takes a long time. I also binged on pizza, which would have been almost impossible to purge since it clumps. I didn't even drink water with each bite. I was so hungry though... I cried... That's the second time this week that I've cried or been super close to crying from being so hungry. This weekend, I binged on rice. I didn't even realize I was hungry until I saw food. As I was eating the rice, it was like I couldn't shove it in my mouth fast enough. It doesn't even make sense. Even after the binge from tonight, I still felt cold. What is happening?? I don't understand. And I don't want Ana, but I need Ana. I'm trying to get rid of her. But I'll never get rid of her if I keep on eating. I hope if I gain weight from the binge, it goes away fast. I had 32 pounds left to go today but I fucked it up by eating. I hate myself. 1-24-2017 Today I am 119 pounds, 2 pounds lighter than yesterday. It feels so good. At this rate, I'm losing about 2 pounds a day. If I keep this up, I could probably be around 111 by Friday! There are really no words for my excitement... I can't really see my progress though. I step on the scale 4 times just to make sure that I'm seeing the number correctly because I don't believe it. I notice that my weight has dropped, but it's not enough.... Not my legs, thighs, hips, stomach, arms, hands, Ribcage, back, chest bones, collar bones. They aren't enough. I wonder when they are going to be bony enough, perfect... I wonder when the voice inside my head will go away. My thoughts are very conflicted and confusing. I want to be perfect so bad. But I know that what I am doing isn't healthy. I understand that. And I want help. But I don't. How could I even explain to someone? I have tried. I told my boyfriend, two roomies, and one guy friend. But they all don't understand. They seem to get this look when they look at me like I'm damaged. I won't deny that I am, but it's degrading. And the voice in my head questions me whenever I mention this situation to anyone. I am a little bit scared. I stay up at night, just scared that one moment, my heart may just stop. A lot lately, it feels pressure and sometimes It feels like someone is squeezing my heart. But I can't stop. It's funny. People think that you can just pull yourself out of ED all by yourself. It's not like that. They say, "just eat" (which is actually quite insulting by the way). It doesn't work like that. I wish it did. I don't wanna feel cold, get sick so easily, get migraines, feel nauseous, weak, lightheaded, faint, fatigued all the time. As much , if not more than I want these physicasualties of the war in my head to go away, I crave them. If I don't feel cold, get headaches, have sunken eyes, etc... Where are my signs that I'm winning, achieving something, getting closer to perfection? It's not good enough. I want to sleep normally again. My thoughts of anxiety keep me up. "It's really cold. What will the scale say tomorrow? Will I be lighter? How much will I lose tomorrow? What will tomorrow look like? Will my Ribcage and hip bones finally start to stick out tomorrow like I want? Will I get a headache or faint tomorrow? My heart hurts again. I hope it doesn't just stop. When will I be perfect and lovable to someone? Will I genuinely hate myself tomorrow? Will I feel like killing myself tomorrow? How much more sick do I have to get? When will all of this stop?" That's just a brief dialog on how my thoughts go at night. I worry and hold my heart a lot. Sometimes it gets hard to breath. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. So it keeps me up. I'm almost afraid sometimes that if I fall asleep, my heart will just stop. Whenever I gain fear though, it's only lost within minutes or seconds with my other anxieties about numbers. If I do fall asleep though, I'm only woken up several times during the night. I don't know what else to say, except I'm tired... 1-25-2017 Woke up today at 4 am. Worst pain ever. I was shaking so much, it was more like trembling, the most intense beyond imagination pain and nausea in my stomach, hot flashes to the point of sweating, heart beats faster than if I had run nonstop for an hour, couldn't breathe, faint and weak (I thought I was gonna collapse)... All signs that I'm winning. Ate too much today though... Five hundred calories... Sadness. Gonna make myself burn 1,000 calories tomorrow and the next day. 1-27-2017 Keep on feeling dizzy and struggling to keep myself standing, but I never collapse/faint. I can hardly focus anymore. Heart is not well. I hope it doesn't give up. I can't stop. Everyday gets worse. Not sure how to stop. And stupid bitch keeps being controlling, rude, and disrespectful. I want to punch her in the throat. I hate her. And I wish that stupid ass dudes who I hardly even know would stop hitting on me and trying to flirt with me. It's annoying af, especially when they touch me period. I'm fucking done. Good fucking bye. -Later- Need to start working on legs tomorrow and all week so that I can get a thigh gap and so the outsides near the hips aren't so round. I just hope that through that, I don't gain muscle weight. Decided to go strictly vegan and gluten free until next Saturday... Just so weight loss is even more rapid. I need to lose sugar too, but with the exception of honey which is less calories for my rice cakes. I'll set up a plan in both of my intake and exercise log in books so I don't forget. Maybe will write reminders on my hand too. Purging early through lax as soon as possible when schedule allows. Just realizing right now, my hands have gotten tiny! Yay. :) they look dry though, but tiny, perfect. 1-28-2017 This morning I looked at my stomach and hip bones. My stomach was really flat and my hip bones were really sticking out. Perfection. I hate myself for eating. I want to die. Officially going to go strictly vegan and gluten free for a week or fucking forever and see how much I lose. Going to exercise more and lax officially tomorrow. Strictly 200 calories a day or less than that's . No more than that. I am scared to step on the scale tomorrow. I hate myself so much. Maybe if I did things right... Perfect. Maybe I'd actually like myself and want to live and people would like me. Wtf was I thinking when I told the 3 people that I told, that I have an eating problem?? I don't. I'm to fat to have an eating problem. I'm fucking crazy I guess. I want to cry. I'm alone. I'm such a disappointment. So disgusting. Can't even fucking please myself. Every time I even make one mistake, no one wants to talk to me I want to die. 1-30-2017 My weight dropped over 2 pounds in one day which was really good. Today I was 119.4. Hoping for less tomorrow. Want to make it to 115 or lower by the end of the week. Yesterday was a complete success in fasting. Today I only had 1 apple sauce, I half Apple, 2 slice of an orange, and a small bite of a cake today. I'm pretty sure that is under 100 calories so I'm very happy. Not sure how restrictions are going to be tomorrow. Depending on tomorrow's weight, I want to employ the apple rule, where you cut an apple into 8 slices and eat 2 at every mealtime and 2 for a snack. This will trick my body into thinking that I eat regularly, thus suppressing hunger. Other than that, there is always salted ice and peppermint tea, which also suppresses hunger. Maybe I could put a tiny bit of honey or cinnamon on the apple for flavor. If I can do that tomorrow, that's only 50 calories. I originally planned on 2 rice cakes and an apple sauce for tomorrow, but I think that I can restrict 1 more day. Just until I get to the 116-117 range. Then a rice cake or 2 with 30 calories of honey would be ok, but it's not now. Complete fasting is absolutely euphoric. There are no words to explain the happiness it is to accomplish an entire day of absolutely no eating. I've come close many times, but I think I will continue more. It is extremely easy now. 1-31-2017 Today I weighed 116.8 pounds which is good progress. In one on this time, I have lost almost 18 pounds. I can't wait until I'm 100-105 pounds. That will be pretty easy in consideration that restricting is getting easier now. It's 11:30 AM and I have only eaten 4 slices of an apple with a tiny bit of honey and 4 small bites of Tzatziki chicken. I wish I could scream. When people notice, they try to figure me out. Nothing is wrong with me. It's just that sometimes I don't eat... I'm fine. I swear, I've never been better. They tell me that I need to eat. They tell me that I can't just go without eating. Then they continue to tell me what to eat. Sometimes, they try and educate me on the health risks, but my fear of my health is only replaced after a few seconds or minutes by what tomorrow is going to look like. They don't understand. I have gone so many days without eating almost anything at all. And I feel fine. I love it. My mind is at peace when I do everything right, perfect. I don't need food. I don't understand or recognize food or hunger anymore. I don't understand how someone could eat 3 meals a day... It just confuses me. That's a ton of food. I was working in the dining hall/cafeteria today. The staff cook who is the boss wanted me to come up with a sauce to go with shredded chicken to go in a wrap. I had a hard time figuring one out. I've trained my mind to not even think about food. Then as I was prepping the wraps that were for students, the cook staffs were trying to figure out what to make for the next meal. They were even trying to figure out meals for the weekend. This confused me. I didn't understand how they could be so obsessed with food. And even before I even went up to the dining hall, my instructor told me to grab some food, a banana in particular when I got up there. She had told me that I need to eat yesterday. I understand that she wants me to eat, maybe she's worried, but I can't "just eat." I just can't. And I wish people would stop saying that to me because it's like I can't just reply "I can't." Then they'd ask me a lot of uncomfortable questions and then I'd have to feed them a bunch of bullshit lies which would make me feel bad. They wouldn't understand even if I told the truth. They'd look at me like I'm damaged. Then they'd worry and I don't want anyone to worry about me. 2-2-2017 Yesterday I got medically separated from school for an eating disorder. I don't know what to do with myself. Mom took me straight to the ER in the hospital. I am an in-patient now. I'm in one of the highest levels of the building. The room is alright. Actually pretty nice and clean. Not sure if I'm in a specific ward for ED. I don't know the number today. I don't know. Ana is angry. With me. I got close, but my whale self failed. How am I Anorexic and still my CNA and nurses are tinier than me?? The nurse is bringing up food and drinks for me to have. She sits there until I'm done. She made me have orange juice this morning. Estimated 120 calories. Too much. Whale self.