#and i for one am very appreciative of his posts

[amnmesias]

𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

poly!wolfstar x potter!reader

word count: 3.7k

summary: After your breakup with Remus and a very heated argument with Sirius, you seemed inclined to spend the rest of the summer sequestered in the confines of your room. But one intervention from your brother and a music swap meet help you three mend the unnecessary heartbreak that came with your misunderstanding.

tags: fem!reader, potter!reader. hurt/comfort mostly with some miscommunication. lots of snobby music opinions. 

a/n: not sure if i’m entirely sure i like this, but yay! finally posted the poly!wolfstar with potter!reader! fic! like always, likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated!! enjoy xx 

-

James sighed for what felt like the millionth time since summer began, once again desperately trying to suppress the knot in his stomach. He watched through the window as Remus and Sirius walked around the manor’s massive garden, both radiating a sadness equal or heavier than the one in his own chest. He brought a hand to his wild curls and turned his back to the window, his eyes following the faint melodies radiating from two rooms over. You. 

He walked out of his room and listened to you moving and shuffling around inside yours, humming quietly to the record playing in your turntable. What was his plan? He wasn’t sure, but he definitely knew that misery loved company and he wasn’t going to let you sit and let your own sadness swallow you whole. 

“Hi,” He said, opening the door to find you perched next to your window. Your sad eyes glued to what he knew to be Remus and Sirius outside, still, he asked, “What are you up to?”

“Nothing.” You shook your head, putting your cigarette out. James made a mental note to remind you to put on a candle in case your mother came snooping in. “Well, rearranging my records. I’m planning on going to town later for a swap meet.” 

James nodded and walked to your bed, where said records laid in three piles. He reckoned they all meant something as he grabbed one from the bulkiest bunch, the cover a yellow tone with a pretty looking woman in the center. He immediately recognized it, a record you had been looking for throughout muggle London and the one he had helped Remus get for you. Most of them, really. He looked up only to meet your gaze as you studied him cautiously. 

“Remus gave you these.” He pointed, sorting through them all with the heaviness in his chest getting impossibly unbearable. “Why are you–”

“Why do you think, James?” 

“Surely there’s a better way to go on about this.” The boy frowned and you scoffed, trying to show off disinterest, but he knew better. He knew that slight purse to your lips. “Angel, you love these. What’s next? Your guitar? Half your closet?”

You seemed to swallow your anger as you walked away from the window, “And what am I supposed to do with them?” He immediately noticed the glossiness in your eyes. 

He supposed this was a long time coming. The day you and Remus broke up, you had been unusually calm, an exact opposite to his own unusual dramatic reaction. Since then, you had kept to yourself, a ghost haunting the walls of Gryffindor Tower and now your own home, refusing to coexist in the same room as Remus and Sirius. And well, James can’t really blame you. 

“I… I know it was the right thing to do, I just didn’t think it would hurt like this,” You began, biting your trembling lip. “But, I suppose it hurt him even more to continue, well, staying with me.” You shrugged, walking towards your turntable, fingers itching to change the record. 

James handed you the one in his hands, you eyed it quickly, a glint of melancholy in your eyes as you scanned the sleeve. He watched you switch the record and put the other one in the pile he knew to be the ones you were planning to get rid of. 

Well, I’ll be damned. Here comes your ghost again, but that’s not unusual… it’s just that the moon is full and you happened to call…

“Fuck, that’s depressing.” James muttered and your mood had lifted enough to chuckle at his comment. “You willingly listen to this?”

“As opposed to what? ABBA?”

“Don’t you dare say anything bad about them!” James dramatically pointed at you and your smile widened, never willing to miss the chance to rile him up. “I’ll have you know—”

“Pestering your sister again, James?” Asked Lily, who had been walking past your room when she heard your animated voices. 

When she heard your quiet chuckles, she wondered if you miraculously managed to fix things with Remus and Sirius, only to find James pathetically helping you feel better. Had it not been by her intervention, she was sure it would’ve probably ended up with you in tears and a very distressed James holding back his own, always weak to seeing his sister cry. And well, the not picking sides rule be damned, Lily was not going to sit back and watch you shut everyone out, especially over a foolish misunderstanding. If Remus and Sirius were willing to back each other up instead of clearing things with you, Lily was going to back you up and make sure you wouldn’t resort back to your old habits of solitude. 

“It’s his default Jamie scheme, I believe.” You answered instead of him, busying yourself packing the records inside your trunk. James sent Lily an imploring look. “Morning, Lils.”

“Morning, honey. What’re those for?”

“Swap meet.” You commented, your eyes quickly looking up to meet her gaze only to immediately return to your task. 

James cleared his throat then mouthed something very, very dramatically that Lily didn’t understand.

“What?” She mouthed back, her eyes quickly snapped to your form, thankful that you were too inside your head to notice them. “What?”

“Go with her.” He whispered very lowly, the redhead rolled her eyes. “Lils, please.”

“James, I don’t– What would I even do?” 

“Just talk to her.”

“Merlin, you both are worse than mum and dad.” You muttered, turning to them with crossed arms. “It’s okay, really. It’ll be really quick, just dropping them off and picking some new ones if they strike my fancy. Not even gonna roam around.”

“But–”

“James. It’s alright, really. I don’t need to be coddled, I promise I’ll be fine.” You sent him a tight-lipped smile that made James wince visibly. You turned to Lily. “But, we can listen to the new ones after I return, if you want.” 

She seemed taken by surprise at your offer, “Oh– Yes, of course.” You smiled at her, this time with a�� sincerity that she appreciated. 

A silence followed, and you, seemingly done trying to be coerced into talking about your situation, continued finishing packing your trunk. James and Lily shared a concerned look, but didn’t try to pry again, they’ve learned long enough to know you would come around sooner or later, and by the looks of it, you were inclined in putting off that conversation for as long as possible. 

When Mrs. Potter came to shepherd everyone down for breakfast, no one missed the way you visibly tensed at the prospect of sharing another uncomfortable moment with Remus and Sirius. It did not come as a surprise when you made an excuse to get off breakfast, and after your mother worriedly packed you a light meal for the bus ride, you walked out the door with your trunk full of vinyls, and if they dared to look more inside of it, they would find your feelings also buried deep in between your favorite records. 

“Hello,” Said Sirius as he walked towards his seat, Remus close behind. James had to bite his tongue to not give them a piece of his mind right then and there. “Oh, everything smells absolutely exquisite, mum.”

Euphemia smiled, “Why, thank you, my dear. I’m glad some of my children still think family breakfast is a pleasing activity.” At this, she gave James a very pointed look. 

“Oi, why are you looking at me?”

“Well, I have to look at someone since your sister just completely disregarded us.” 

At this, both Sirius and Remus looked up from their plates, “Where’s dov– y/n?” He asked, eyebrows pinched confusedly. 

“Wouldn’t you plonkers want to know?”

“She left a little while ago for a swap meet, something about looking for new records?” Lily explained, then nudged her boyfriend with a frown. “Behave.” She whispered.

“New records?” Echoed Monty as he occupied his own seat, having walked in time to hear the conversation. “She’s got her room filled to the ceiling with only Merlin knows how many of those things and went on to seek for more, a greedy one, your sister.” 

“Well,” James began and Lily sent him a wide-eyed look as she gripped his hand hard under the table, a warning that almost worked. “I wouldn’t say new records, she’s more like giving some away to make room for the new ones.” He gave Remus a very pointed look, and Lily groaned. 

“What?” Remus asked, the frown in his eyebrows deepened as he shared a look with Sirius. 

“Which records is she giving away, exactly?” Asked Sirius then, a slight edge to his voice. 

“You can take a guess.” 

“Oh, God.” Mumbled Lily into her hands. “James if you’re going to throw your sister under the bus the least you can do is be direct about it.”

“I’m quite finished, actually.” James smiled, then placed a quick kiss over Lily’s furrowed eyebrows. “Pass me the bread, lovie?” 

No one missed the way both Remus and Sirius stayed silent the entirety of breakfast. 

—

“You must be joking, this is a Patti Smith original in perfect conditions.” 

“It’s signed by some Remus bloke, that don’t look like perfect conditions to me.”

You scoffed. “Aren’t heartfelt dedications worth anything these days?”

The guy began to roll his eyes, but they landed on the little basket at your feet. “Maybe try with the Joan Baez and it’s yours.”

“What?” You followed his gaze, “That one is non negotiable.”

“No deal then.” He tsked, and you scoffed once again with a roll of your eyes. “Alright, if you’re not going to take anything, please make room for the rest.” 

You gasped in offense but still picked your basket and walked away with decisive strides. Your eyes examined the rest of the stands for something to catch your eye, then you studied the ones left in your little collection. Most of them weren’t worth much, based on what the snobby git told you, the dedications in them made them almost impossible to be traded. Suddenly you felt even angrier at Remus and his loving, gentle ways. 

“Prick.” You muttered under your breath.

“I’m inclined to agree, love, that Patti Smith is worth more than that ratty Ram and Love In a Mist.”

“Fuck,” You jumped, but Sirius only smiled at you, corners of his lips turned up in a bemused smirk. When your heart returned to its normal rhythm, you frowned at him. “What the fuck, Sirius?”

“I mean, Paul is not even the superior Beatle, not sure how much that bloke thinks that record is worth, honestly he missed a great deal.”

“He said the– I’m not having this conversation again, Sirius. Paul is most definitely the superior Beatle.” 

Sirius raised his hands in surrender, “I’m just making you a case, I think you should go back and reopen the negotiations.” His grey eyes scanned you cautiously, when they landed on your basket something glum took over his face. “Or maybe it’s a sign to stop with this little crusade. Do you really want to get rid of these?” 

“Why are you here, Sirius?”

“James said you’d be here, and I’ve been meaning to grow my own collection, so…”

Your eyes quickly traveled over his empty hands, then irked an eyebrow at him, “Right… and where are the records you’re swapping?”

“I… I wanted to talk to you.” He finally said, suddenly not brave enough to meet your eyes. You felt your ribcage recoiling with dread, but you allowed yourself to feel a bit hopeful as you scanned his nervous stance. “I don’t know what was said between you and Remus but I can’t stand you shutting us out–”

“It’s not like I’m enjoying it either, Sirius.” You rolled your eyes, then turned to him with such harshness that you almost hit his chest with the basket in your arms. An apology almost slipped past your lips at the sad upturn of his lips, but you recovered quickly. “I will get over it, it’s just…”

When your voice unexpectedly wavered, something inside Sirius’ heart crumbled, “Oh, love… That’s the thing, there’s nothing for you to get over from,” He was quick to thumb a rogue tear that cascaded down your cheek. 

“What?” You whispered, voice impossibly small and eyes fighting to not shed more tears. 

Sirius frowned, and took a minute to look into your eyes, his own a very sad shade of grey. Your hold on the basket loosened, hanging limply between you as he reached to gently cradle your face in his hands. By the anxious way you chewed on your lower lip, you seemed as scared as Sirius felt, his hands shook slightly when he placed a soft, quick kiss on the corner of your lips. Thankfully, you caught yourself before you could reach and full-on kiss his lips, the previous dreadful feeling in your chest morphed into anger as you stepped back from his hold.   

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You spat roughly, not allowing him to walk closer as he looked at you with evident despair in his eyes. “I’m not going to be a silly pawn in you and Remus’ game, Sirius. I’m not.”

“You’re not, sweetheart. I– Okay, maybe this is not the way to go and I’m sorry, but I’ve had enough, alright? You… You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met, you almost rival James in that aspect, always putting everyone’s feelings and needs before yours, but breaking up with your boyfriend so he can be with someone else? Who the fuck does that?”

You chuckled dryly. “So that’s what this is about? You’re having a moral crisis, Sirius?” His lips parted in surprise at the edge of your voice, but he knew better to interrupt the verbal onslaught you seemingly had been holding back for weeks. “Shall I put your mind at ease, then? I did not break up with Remus so he can have free rein to run to you, I did it because it hurt me too much to be with him knowing I wanted to be with you too and viceversa, and I was not going to make my life a living hell with doubts and uncertainty, maintaining a lie that not only I fabricated but one he did as well, which is why I decided to step back, alright? So no, I’m not selfless just very, very confused. Now, if you could just leave me alone, both of you, I’d greatly appreciate it.” 

Sirius let out a sharp exhale, his eyes studying your angry movements as you shoved the basket into his arms and walked away without waiting for him to speak. He supposed that was a long time coming, but the ache that came with your words was something he was not prepared for. 

—

You had no qualms in full-on sobbing onto your knees, chest shredding to pieces with every ragged exhale. The late, chilly afternoon in your mother’s garden presented you with the opportunity of privacy as you finally allowed your confused feelings to come to the surface, the images of Remus’ teary cheeks when you broke up with him, and Sirius’ dejected frown from that afternoon were burnt deep in your mind whenever you closed your eyes. 

“Oh, dovey.”

You felt your heart abruptly skipping a beat when you looked up and met Remus’ sad amber eyes, Sirius already making a move to sit next to you at the feet of the tree you used to hide away from spying eyes. A hand came to your view as he gently thumbed your tears away, and you mustered all your strength to move your face away from his loving ministrations, you knew another act of love from either of them would surely make you cry harder. A sad, throaty sound came from Sirius’ lips when you rejected his intentions, and Remus seemed to sprung into action. 

“What–” You began, your voice hoarse and eyes widened as you watched him kneel in front of you. “What are you doing?”

“Sirius told me what you said at the swap meet.” 

You sent him an accusatory glare, but Remus reached and held your face in his scarred hands, a gesture so deep rooted in both of you from your year long relationship that made your mind go blank at the familiarity of his touch. Remus, for his part, seemed relieved that you hadn’t pushed him away yet. 

“I don’t care, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He whispered, making a point of searching for your eyes when you looked down. “I just wish you hadn’t kept that part out when you talked to me.” 

“And what was I supposed to say? That whenever I saw you two interact I was burning with jealousy because I wanted either of you to look at me that way?” You spat, but sighed dejectedly at the frowns in their faces. “I… I will get over it, alright? Just give me a couple of months–”

“Get over what, exactly, lovely?”

Something inside of you seemed to snap at the gentleness in his tone, paired with Sirius’ tender hold around your body, it was too much. You swallowed your incoming sob, and looked down at your calloused fingers.

“At the idea of… of us, I guess. Of a possible future with either of you, I… I rather see you two together and happy, than being an imposition.” You mumbled, very determined to not look into their eyes, you supposed your heart had taken too many blows as of lately to add another to the tally. “I was usually so good at keeping it together, hidden away and secure to not let anyone know. But lately… lately it has gotten so hard, and none of you seemed to make a move either, so I did what needed to be done.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, dove. I– Alright, it’s time for you to hear us out, okay?”

You nodded mutely, eyes in a daze as Remus refused to let go of your face, his palms now slightly damp from your cascading tears. 

“There’s not a single possibility of a happy relationship between me and Moony if you’re not part of it.” Began Sirius, and your lips parted in surprise when you met his own teary gaze. “I am so stupidly in love with both of you that it physically hurt me, and I get how that could’ve confused some people, but it was never a matter of jealousy, alright? We all just wanted each other so desperately we completely mucked it all up.”

“And,” Remus continued, a tiny, shy smile now in his face as he lovingly watched you and Sirius’ intertwined hands. “We can’t possibly hold against you the way it all went down, sweet girl, if anything, we are so deeply sorry for the way we let it all get so tangled up and not immediately try to clear up our feelings. You didn’t do anything wrong for having feelings for both of us, and your confusion is very understandable, I hope you can forgive me for not fighting harder to make you understand.” 

“What? No, I–” Your free hand reached for his own cheek, your movements earnest as you searched for his amber eyes. “I’m sorry for getting so ahead of myself, I should’ve said something, I… I’m the one that messed it all up, jumping to conclusions that could have easily been cleared up, but… I guess it’s not too late?” 

Sirius’ forefinger paused his tracing of ghost figures on the inside of your wrist, he brought it to his lips and kissed it softly before speaking, “We’re the ones that should be asking you that, sweetheart.” 

You smiled shyly before shaking your head. A breathy chuckle left Remus’ lips, his smile was the last thing you saw before he kissed your lips firmly, then proceeded to place several little ones all over your face, your shared giggles music to Sirius’ ears as he watched you both. When you broke apart, you wasted no time in lovingly nosing Sirius’ cheek, his arm around you tightened as he brought you impossibly closer and finally kissed your lips like he had wanted to do since that time you stayed with him all night at the Potters’ living room the night he ran away from home. His heart burst to the seams when he broke away, and you seemed to completely give up on trying to hold back your happy giggles. When Remus kissed his lips at the same time you kissed his cheek, Sirius was glad he was sitting down because he probably would’ve passed out right then and there, there was only so much his heart could take in one day. 

“Oh, I almost forgot.” He said breathlessly, reaching behind Remus for the basket you had given him. A blush seemed to take over most of his face as he placed it between you three. “Love, you can’t go around leaving these anywhere, this collection is too important for it to land on the wrong hands. Imagine if the snobby arsehole had gotten a hold of it?” 

You laughed, immediately reaching inside to scan your records in case any of them were missing. “‘M sorry, that was rather dramatic of me.” 

“No need to be sorry, dove.” Said Remus breezily, his own eyes scanning each sleeve you took out. “It gave Sirius time to do some scouring of his own, didn’t you, love?” 

At this, Sirius seemed to flush harder. “Yes, I… I managed to make a great deal with that bloke and,” He reached inside the basket and singled one out, you gasped as he handed it to you. “You seemed very excited for this one, so…”

Both Sirius and Remus’ insides turned soft and mushy at the sight of your widened eyes and even bigger smile. The record in your hands had become one almost impossible pursuit of yours for years, after having heard your endless complaints on how desperately you wished to own it ever since they met you. Your smile was blinding as you scanned Marianne Faithful’s Love in a Mist album and traced a delicate finger over the title of the front sleeve. What made you gasp again though, was the delicate, heartfelt dedication in the corner of the sleeve. 

To the most wonderful, beautiful, kindest and talented girl we’ve ever met. When love comes so strong, there is no right or wrong, your love is our own. Sincerely yours, R&S xx. 

[twig-tea]

Taiwanese Talk Show The BL Era

Thank you @thisonelikesaliens for shouting out the Taiwanese talk show miniseries The BL Era: Taiwan's Spotlight, it was really well put together and gave me some good insights into the Taiwanese BL market. And thanks @my-rose-tinted-glasses for pointing out Aliens' posts to me when I've been mostly off tumblr.

Aliens has posted about all of the episodes on their tag, which I recommend going through (all of the episodes are linked there).

Here are my main takeaways from all 6 episodes, in case it helps anyone decide if they want to watch/which eps may be of most interest:

Ep1 on Unknown and The On1y One: The discussion about the adaptation choices in both of these shows (as both of these were adapted from danmei) was really interesting, though the lack of discussion about where to end the first season of On1y One was glaring to me. I did like that this episode talked about what made both of these stand out (the build of the feelings between the characters) and how much emphasis this episode put on good writing. There was an offhand comment that Director Liu Kuang Hi made about not needing a shower scene that made me wonder if he regretted that scene in Your Name Engraved Herein (I for one am very glad it was in the film as a critical character moment). That last bit is just me speculating BTW, I don't mean to put words in his mouth.

Ep2 on HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count: It was new information for me that this aired in a time where Taiwanese culture more broadly was interested in tragic stories, I liked having that additional context. Also I was interested to hear confirmed by writers and creators that there was a lot of pressure post-MODC to write only happy endings, though some of the fans interviewed talked about how a sad ending can be acceptable if it's earned. This was such a tumultuous experience for BL fandom, if you didn't experience it in real time I recommend watching this episode to get a sense of the impact.

Ep3 on VBL: This was my favourite episode of the series; it was the most interesting to me because it got into a side of the business I really don't pay a lot of attention to: Fandom management outside of the series itself. I learned a lot about the VBL series including that it was produced in partnership with a Japanese company and that it was the first BL since 2018 to air on TV in Taiwan. I also hadn't realized that this company had worked hard to build fandom around the pairs outside of the show itself, and that was a part of why it was so successful. I had no idea that this set of shows did such a good job managing fan engagement. It was really interesting hearing the network person talk about how they think about the show as just one part of a whole that they are selling, and how managing how it lands and what impact it has and what trends is another part. All of that was fascinating. I also liked hearing the actors talk about what it's like being in a CP. This episode did not hold back that the writing in the VBL series felt shallow and that the actors were green, which I was impressed by--I appreciate creators who acknowledge their own gaps especially when they then talk about wanting to see those improve.

Ep4 on Kiseki: Dear to Me: Placing this right after the VBL episode was smart because they talked about the effect of the fanmeet flop and its subsequent handling failure and the impact on the show, which is given more context from the previous ep. I knew almost nothing about this other than that the pressure on the secondary CP in this show was high, so getting this BTS insight into what happened from fan and industry perspective was fascinating. I did not realize that Taiwanese BL producers experienced expectations formed by Thai fanmeets (which differ from Taiwanese fanmeet styles) from both international fans and from Taiwanese BL fans. The framing of expectation and the question of whether Taiwan should follow the Thai model or just do its own thing but better set expectations in advance is an interesting one.

Ep5 on HIStory 2: I'm so glad HIStory 2 got some attention because it's my favourite season that I rewatch regularly. The news that they had a plan to have an check-in on the family from Right or Wrong hurts my heart; how dare they pain me with this info. That being said, the actor Steven Chiang writing what is essentially fanfic for his own character made me very happy. The idea of the Thai market being a one-stop shop and Taiwan still experimenting with small producers that don't have a production line or 360 business model was very interesting. I also loved the Taiwanese pride in this episode, and the frustration that came through when they were talking about how Taiwan has great IP to adapt too, it's just hard to get it off the ground. It was smart to end on this episode, as a speculation on how Taiwanese BL should move forward in the context of everything above: Its legacy, it's fumbles, the international pressures and the realities of the Taiwanese industry. Also, LIN PEI YU PRODUCING A TAIWANESE GL IN 2025?! GIVE IT TO ME!!!

[heretyc]

I beg for Prime Assets comforting you after getting shots or a doctor's appointment, or anything similar.., I just had an appointment recently and twas very frazzled by getting jabbed so many times cause I'm scared of needles 😔 though I'm obsessed with your writing I've been stalking your page... thank you in advance if you accept this request 💜

I'm so sorry you got jabbed, hun :( needles are not fun. If only vaccinations were in pill/liquid form...we need to bring bubblegum flavoured medicine back </3

"Oh, hush now," Coyle clicked his tongue as he roughly rubbed your arm in comfort; the cutesy bandage on your arm was almost rubbed off due to his strength, his palm warm. "You know I can't just...you know..." He removed his hand to finger quote, "'Fuck that needle wielder up with my prod'. You want to get in trouble?"

"Yeah," you sniffled, "Fuck her, man."

"Lord, what'd I do to end up with you?" Coyle snickered, an arm being wrapped around you tightly. "Didn't Barlow give you the fuckin' shots?"

"SO?"

"You like Barlow, I thought?"

You huffed. "Not anymore."

Coyle snorted, looking back in Barlow's direction. "Ya heard that?"

Looking up from her romance novel, Barlow's eyes were lidded in boredom, as if she didn't just stick a plethora of needles into your poor arm, "Pardon?"

"...I'll shoot 'er."

"Barbi," you warned, your brows furrowed, "No. She was doing her job...as painful as that job was."

Barbi scoffed, Lupara shaky in his grip, "Her job isn't to fuckin' prod ya with needles, sweetness. The fuck were they for, anyway?"

"Tetanus, measles, diptheria...the usual."

"Diptheria?" He raised a brow, "The fuck is that?"

"A disease that I could die from if I didn't get the vaccination," you rolled your eyes, "I hate needles and I appreciate the comfort, but don't make this harder on yourself."

"Baby, I've been to about 10 fuckin' countries sealing deals and spreading my business, I ain't never get a disease like diptheria."

"That's because you ate dirt, Barbi."

"...For your information, it was fuckin' mud pie. And that shit was divine."

"Okay, dirt eater." You snickered, your arm - the one that lacked post-needle pain - raised to grab Lupara. "Lemme occupy my mind with Lupara, please."

"You gonna shoot Bar-hoe?"

You scoffed, "No, Barbi."

"Then no." He stuck out his tongue. Silly bastard.

"Ohh, my poor dear," Gooseberry's voice was gentle as her gloved hand rubbed against your arm, "Those nice doctors are just protecting you against the measles..."

"Fuckin' myth of a disease anyway," The goose chortled in the background, "I ain't neva gots measles, or tetanus, or whoopy cough."

"Whooping cough, Dr. Daddy," Gooseberry corrected to the goose's dismay, "Anyway, just relax and let me care for you, okay, dear?" She cooed, pinching your cheek. "I have just the thing."

"A pat on the back and a 'get the fucks over it'?" Futterman snorted, resulting in Gooseberry to narrow her eyes. "No. I was thinking more of a...ride on the Root Canal."

"...Fuck it, why not?" Futterman grumbled, "Whats are we waiting fors?"

"Uhhh, my arm is sore as shit, Futterman," you got up, "Don't expect a round of applause."

"Well jokes on me, then," The goose scoffed, his drill sounding in irritation. "Do all needles make you this irritables?"

"What am I to do with the two of you?" Gooseberry chuckled, her free hand on your lower back as she guided you to the large ride.

[mediumgayitalian]

jackie we miss you!!! hope ur doing well!!

okay HI GUYS i am finally for the first time in months looking thru my inbox. i am doing this while the gr 5 class i am supplying for goes wild around me lol. they have a free period and they are Noisy kids.

SO. hiatus! i did go on a hiatus. i did not announce it because i did not rly intend to bug off, but i got cramped at work and then i was just tired all the time and i wasn't writing and anything i WAS writing was awful, and i lost confidence, and i stopped writing for months. it was heartbreaking! it has made it harder to enjoy the beautiful world around me.

BUT! ive nearly finished my first year of teachers college and i have made so many friends this year and have been able to, for the most part, handle my stressors with some degree of tact and maturity, and most of all i missed writing like a hole in my side, so regardless of whether or not i feel like i CAN still write i have returned.

now. will this daily posting thing last?? i don't know. i don't want to make promises, because i'm genuinely not sure. i am not as lonely as i was when i first started writing and i have other things now to fill my time and mind; i have fewer ideas now that i'm not dumping one hundred percent of my creative energy into making stories. i would like for this to last! i would like to finish all the fics i started last year and maybe even start some new ones; i would also love to be able to write all 100 prompts of the 100 ways series. that would be cool. for now the goal is to keep posting, but i'm not stressing myself out about it. if that makes sense.

what about fic rec fridays?? will they return? well, that i'm actually not too sure about. one of the biggest reasons i've been so bereft of ideas for the past while is because i haven't been READING anything. i'm not sure why! i've read the actual series a few times in the last year but fanfiction -- and i mean any fanfiction -- hasn't been able to hold my attention, for the first time of my life. it's kind of devastating and i'm not sure why but i really truly hope i get over it soon, because i know everyone has been writing and doing amazing things and i want to be involved (all this to say -- if you have any stellar recs, i'd appreciate them! i'm having trouble finding stuff on my own). right now i'm just re-reading stuff from years and years ago; if i start regularly reading fic again i will start recommending things again.

a very long, rambly message to say: hi everyone! i've missed you! i'm excited to be back, and thanks for being patient with me!

[eternalbuckley]

Dance with Tensions. — mattheo riddle

SUMMARY: Mr Riddle asks you to dance even though you two don't get along, only to end up in a heated conversation afterwards.

word count: 2,308

genre: angst | fem!reader, queer!reader, bipoc!reader and plus-size!reader friendly

warnings/tropes: lots of tension, an argument, a part of my lady!reader au, it‘s probably not time accurate but who cares!, english is not my first language, briefly proofread — if I forgot something, please let me know!

a/n: i am very much excited to finally share this with you all, enjoy reading my loves 💓 also BIG BIG thank you to @leona-hawthorne and @riddleswhcre for pre-reading one of the parts of the fanfic, you truly helped me out <33

reblogs, feedback and comments are highly appreciated and welcomed! ♡

disclaimer: please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work or post this anywhere without my consent. i don’t give you my permission to use my writing for any ai related things, don’t do it. do not translate my work and post it anywhere — i give you no permission to do that. i only post my stories here, so if you find my work anywhere else please let me know!

divider by cafekitsune

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The highly anticipated first ball of the season was set to take place this evening. You were full of excitement as you walked into the hall with your older brother hooked on one arm and your parents behind you. Many eyes followed each of your movements. Some of them were filled with admiration and some with envy. You let your gaze wander through the hall and noticed a few men whispering to each other as they sipped on their glasses of champagne and watched you and many of the other people who had already arrived that night. The lookout for possible marriage partners was already happening even if the social season only started a few days ago.

You weren’t quite eager to find someone suitable that night, but you wanted to have a good time with your best friend Miss Pansy Parkinson. She was one of your closest friends ever since you were young children.

The night had been long – you spent your time with Pansy and laughed with her about different jokes. Some words were exchanged with Lords, other Ladies and others that attended the ball as well. Most of them complimented you on your choice of gown but no conversation went deeper. You’ve danced twice with two men, but it was clear that they weren’t interested in you as a person. The conversations revolved solely on how fortunate it must be to be the daughter of a duke and duchess. Talking and dancing with them was exhausting; they stole your energy.

But there was one handsome but infuriating gentleman who seemed to have his eyes on you all night – Mr Mattheo Riddle, the second eldest son of Viscount Riddle. A gentleman you had met before and were not very fond of. You only knew each other because your mothers were friends but you two couldn’t get along.

In your eyes, he was just an arrogant man who clearly didn’t care about being kind to you or any other human being unless he wanted something. And in his eyes, you were an uptight woman who couldn’t care to have fun in her life – which wasn’t the truth.

Your opinions about each other were filled with prejudices and nothing else. Your friend, Pansy, enjoyed teasing you about it and was almost sure that you and Mr Riddle clearly shared a sort of affection for one another. You, of course, didn’t want to admit it or you weren’t able to realise it yet.

Mr Riddle had watched you all night without daring to step forward and take a chance to speak with you. Until you were eventually freed from your current dance partner and could take a breath.

“Ohhh,” Pansy whispered with a devilish grin and slightly covered her mouth with her gloved hand, “Mr Riddle is making his way towards us.”

“Lady Y/N?” Mr Riddle walked up to you with a mischievous and confident smile and kept his brown eyes on you. You turned your head in his direction to meet his eye and shared a tight, polite smile with the man in front of you, “Yes?”

“May I have this next dance?” He extended his hand to you. You quickly turned your head to Pansy who slightly nodded and smiled friendly at Mr Riddle. You inhaled and cleared your throat. “You may, Mr Riddle,” you placed your hand in his extended one and let him lead you to the dance floor. You didn’t want to cause a scene in front of everyone else – so you only had the chance to agree to the dance.

As you walked to the dance floor, you turned your head back to Pansy and wished your look could kill her in that moment. She briefly wiggled her eyebrows and smirked at you. You rolled your eyes at her and turned back to focus on the upcoming dance with Mr Riddle.

As the musicians began playing the next song, some of the ladies and gentlemen started to watch you closely. The song was slow yet moving. Every lady curtsied, and every gentleman bowed in front of their dance partner, most of them shared fond smiles, while you and Mr Riddle exchanged only tight smiles and stared intensely at each other. Your body was quite tense as you stepped closer to him. The warmth of his palm brushed against yours, sending a subtle shiver through your hand, while you both moved in two circles – your palms continued to touch each other. You both kept your eyes locked on each other in intense stares and tried to stay calm, but those who knew you couldn’t help but notice the tension between you. It was impossible to ignore.

After you made two turns, you repeated the same dance move, this time in the opposite direction. “Is everything okay with you, my Lady?” Mr Riddle asked you quietly, though he didn’t expect an honest answer from you.

“What would you expect, Mr Riddle?” you replied calmly, “I’m having the time of my life.” You didn’t truly mean it, but dancing with him was far more enjoyable than with any other Lord you had danced with that night.

Once the two turns were completed, both of you took a step back but your eyes remained on each other. After a brief pause, you slowly approached one another, your palms hovering just inches apart as the air between you was thick with tension. As you closed the distance, your wrists were slightly wrapped around each other. The slight contact sent a light spark of warmth through your bodies. You stepped away from each other and repeated the same moves – your gazes continued to burn into each other, although they seemed to get a little softer. You placed your hands in his as he held them out to you. You then raised your arm and moved it over his head while keeping your hands together. Thereafter, you turned slightly in his arms and repeated the same dance move, only that he made a small turn instead of you this time. As you repeated this movement for the third time and turned slightly, you remained in his arms wrapped around you while your hands remained connected.

Your skin prickled as you felt his hot breath on your skin. You had expected to entirely hate to be so close to him, but surprisingly, it wasn’t as unbearable as you thought. However, these feelings quickly passed as you noticed his small smirk – you wished you could just slap it out of his face. Together you walked in a few small circles while his arms remained around you. The proximity caused your breath to falter for a brief moment, but you suppressed it – at least tried to.

After your turns with him, you stepped away from each other and locked eyes for a moment. Your lips parted lightly as you felt his gaze on you. Then, you moved closer again and placed your hands on his shoulders while he gently placed his hands on the upper part of your back. He touched you with a gentleness you had never seen of him before – it frightened you because you weren’t familiar with such a side of him. You remained in this position for a few brief moments and danced in small circles, before his hands slid down your arms to take your hands and spin you back into his embrace.

You swallowed as you felt his breath on your skin again. The warmth of his body so close to yours was overwhelming. A mixture of tension and something else you couldn’t name stirred within you. The music slowly faded into the background while your faces were close, and your breaths were one. For a brief moment, you lost yourself in each other’s eyes as you continued to sway to the music.

“I wonder how many dances it would require before you finally can stand my company without the desire to do me harm,” he whispered into your ear with a hoarse voice before he let you go after the music stopped. Your breath slightly hitched in response, but you rolled your eyes and inhaled as you decided not to reply any further.

When the music ended, you and he stepped apart to exchange a curtsy and a bow. You then walked back to Pansy and your brother, who were talking to one another. You were sure that you wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about this dance and the words Mr Riddle whispered into your ear before the dance ended.

“Ohh, there she is!” Pansy clapped her hands and grinned. You saw your brother turn towards you – his lips were in a grin as well, but it was filled with his ever-so-brotherly protectiveness. At the sight of both of them, you rolled your eyes and sighed annoyed.

“Oh, come on, Y/N. Shall we truly believe that you have not at least found the slightest enjoyment in dancing with Mr Riddle?” Pansy sighed and grabbed your hands to squeeze them.

“I did not enjoy it entirely, but it was better than with the Lords I’ve danced with tonight,” you admitted.

Pansy smiled at you and then proudly turned her head to your brother. “See, I told you, my Lord. It is only a matter of time,” she whispered, but you clearly heard every word and furrowed your eyebrows.

“For what precisely, Pansy?”

She sighed and looked back to you, “Until you and Mr Riddle are willing to confess that your hatred is not as deep as you so often claim. Everyone that knows you can see it. And I believe that even strangers can sense it.”

You shook your head and looked away from her. “Stop with these jests. In no world, could I ever not hate Mr Riddle. He…” You groaned and pulled your hands away from your best friend. “Just stop with it, Pansy. And you,” you pointed to your brother with your index finger – your voice was calm but hid a tone of annoyance, “Don’t even think about joining her, brother.” You turned around and walked outside to take a deep breath after your brother nodded.

Your tense shoulders relaxed as soon as you felt the cold and fresh air on your skin, a much-needed change of environment. Near you, you could see a small group of fellow citizens and a few servants – what you didn't notice was that Mr Riddle came towards you and stopped next to you. A respectful and allowed distance was between you but in the eyes of the wrong people it could be seen as improper to even stand alone with one another.

“What a pleasant night, is it not, my Lady?” Mr Riddle cut the silence with a soft-spoken voice, but there was a hidden arrogance in it.

You sighed and kept your gaze to the front. “It was,” you then turned your head towards him – your lips pressed together in a thin line. “Until you asked me to dance.”

He chuckled and turned completely around to face you, and so did you. “I saw how draining it was for you to waste your time with these Lords, Lady Y/N. You can be honest; I’ve saved your night with me asking you to dance.” His cocky smile infuriated you even more than you already were. “Who else could you have been spending your time instead? Mayhap a Lord who has far outlived the finest hours of his life?”

You hated that he was right. He sorts of saved you from all the lords you didn’t want to spend any energy or time on. You would have agreed with Mr Riddle, if it wasn’t him.

“Will you ever stop being so insufferable?” You argued back while you clenched your hands into fists out of anger. How could be a single human being so annoying? “It is truly beyond me how you manage to be so…” You groaned and stopped yourself mid-sentence, knowing that he’d just use it to tease you. You turned your head away and inhaled deeply, hoping he would just leave you alone.

Mr Riddle raised an eyebrow and stepped closer, the closeness was risky, but you didn’t step away. “You may finish your sentence, my Lady.” He wanted to know your true opinion about him, although he already assumed how it might be – though he wished it would be the opposite. Something he’d not even dream about to admit in front of you.

You felt the cold air and his breath mixed on your skin and you deeply inhaled as you looked into each other’s eyes. There was a brief pause between you as you stared at one another. Your heartbeat slightly increased – you weren’t sure of the exact reason. Was it the hatred you claimed to feel for him or was it something entirely else?

You cleared your throat. “I’d rather not, Mr Riddle,” you scoffed, your voice full of contempt and turned around to walk back into the house but stopped after taking a few steps. May he use your next words against you, you couldn’t care less in that very moment. Your anger was too much. “You are the most vexing human being that came across me in all my life. It is truly beyond me how you manage to be so tiresome, Mr Riddle,” you spoke quickly but he heard everything clearly. “I shall wish you a good night,” you finished your sentence after taking another deep breath and turned around to walk back inside.

You left him standing alone in the middle of the porch. With his smirk rubbed off his face as he wondered if he had gone too far this time. Perhaps, your hatred went deeper than he thought. Something he never intended to happen. But what if it could all be something else? Something he couldn’t imagine?

[wizardandpirate]

My first ever comic, featuring Doey and an OC. I can't wait to regret posting this while hurriedly fixing the 100 errors I missed before posting🙏/j

Anyways, advice on making future comics look better is appreciated. Sorgy for getting lazy💔

OKAY SO I WAS VERY CLOSE TO DYING OF CRINGE AND NOT POSTING THIS BUT I GOTTA LEARN SOMEHOW...

IM CLOSE TO DELETING IT HSHJJHK I DISLIKE IT IN MANY WAYS. BUT. LEARNING. ATTEMPT. AUGJ.

Please don't bully me🙏🙏

Anyways context for why he paused when they spoke is because he could tell just from how they spoke and what they chose to say that it's someone he knows. Because I am Not Normal and made a ppt OC, one that I decided was friends with Kevin and Matthew before the whole Thing happened. Their eyes don't have the white dots because they're technically erm. Not one of the little Hoppys.

More like they're one of those toys that grow in water and crawled inside a corpse to suck out the moisture. Well. Can't save 'em all!!

Have not decided on a name for the OC, I just know that they liked play fighting with Kevin and showing him other healthy ways to take out his aggression because they also had Some Issues. And also they were older than Matthew and like a year or two from aging out of the orphanage before the whole thing went down, so it was a lot of anxiety about leaving him and Kevin behind:c

How have they not found each other before this point? Uh. Erm. I'll just say my guy was too dehydrated and couldn't do anything until a very fortunate water spill!! Anyways I love them. I love found family. I am currently sobbing. I don't know why I did this. I do know. I did it for fun. But also I don't know. Help? Ahck.

[lacrimosathedark]

Hiya. Aroace-spec enby Hazbin fan and Radioapple shipper here. No hard feelings here, but you are incredibly misinformed so allow me to learn you a few things.

Firstly, I can tell that this is something of a vent post. That's okay, sometimes you need to just get your feelings out into words and be heard by somebody, anybody. That's alright.

That being said, when that vent includes something people enjoy in non-harmful ways (like shipping fictional characters) you don't add those tags. Ship hate stays out of ship tags for everyone's safety; so the shippers aren't hurt during what could be their only fun time, and so you aren't hurt when less understanding people retaliate. Because they will, as you've maybe noticed by now.

I'm putting the rest of this under a cut because it's long because I am incapable of shutting the fuck up and overexplain. I just want you to know I'm not yelling at you and hopefully don't feel too overwhelmed by this.

Now, I'm glad you want to defend us, but defending us without accurately understanding us only causes harm. As someone on the trans spectrum that's usually overlooked (and maligned if you're transfem) I hope you recognize that. People are so intensely misinformed on sex and gender that even when they advocate for us, sometimes they unintentionally spew transphobic bullshit. That's kind of what you're doing now.

Asexuality and aromanticism is, as you said, about attraction, but that's all it is; attraction. It's that yearning or hunger for that specific thing. This does not preclude aromantics from participating in pseudo-romantic relationships or actions of various kinds, or asexuals from sexual relationships. Sexuality is not synonymous with libido or hedonism, romance is not synonymous with intimacy or companionship. There are lots of sex-positive asexuals who are some of the horniest motherfuckers in the world; they just don't feel attraction. Similarly there are aromantic people who want the reliable closeness of a romantic partner just without the lovey dovey stuff, and may even act in ways that can be perceived as romantic from a platonic standpoint. And the mesh point non-sexual non-romantic aroace committed relationships is a queerplatonic relationship. It's kind of like "best friend" but more committed and takes many forms.

Also presuming we need to be sheltered, that we're all sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed and should be protected from such things, is a little infantilizing. I'd love more media without sexual implications, and I know aros who are beyond sick of all media being about romance. But we live in this world every day. Personally, I'm infantilized enough as a small transmasc. I appreciate the intent, but your methodology is flawed.

Now to the Radoapple of it all.

You're commenting on a fandom you aren't in and know nothing about. You weren't even sure how to spell the character's name. That's not a good starting point.

Alastor is NOT canonically aromantic, though that's a common headcanon. He IS asexual, but as mentioned, it is a spectrum, and he's only shown blatant repulsion to he topic in regards to a character who is hypersexual, which could make even allos uncomfortable. The creator has given shippers her blessing to do what they will, so there's no issue there. And for the "strongest" shippers, even her disapproval wouldn't have stopped them. How often do you see straight characters made gay and gay characters made straight in fandom for the sake of a ship? That's ignoring canon characterization AND it's bi erasure and it's common as fuck and that drives me nuts but I'm getting side-tracked.

Alastor shippers are often very respectful of Alastor's identity. Some of the most common ao3 tags for Alastor are "Non-Sex Repulsed Asexual Alastor" and "Sex Repulsed Asexual Alastor". People come at his sexuality from both sides.

Radioapple in particular is one of the healthiest ships Alastor is put in, in large part because everyone is in Hell and his other big ships have a History behind them.

There's also just who Lucifer is as a person. He may b contentious with Alastor (I'll get to it) but on the whole, Lucifer is very sweet. He adores his daughter more than anything. He very blatantly misses his ex-wife who has been absent for at least 7 years. And we could all but guarantee that if he were to somehow date Alastor, if he said no sex ever, Lucifer would accept that. Partly because he's been alone without his wife for who knows how long so it's nothing new, but also how he won Lilith over in the first place.

Lilith left Adam because he demanded she be subservient. In mythology this is often boiled down to he insisted on "topping" and she refused to "bottom". She's a proud woman and would not be under anyone's control. But she met and fell in love with Lucifer soon after, so you can imagine what that may imply about him. At the very least, he showed Lilith respect and didn't make demands of her. He knows how to respect someone's boundaries. (where also, notably, Alastor's other common ship partners canonically don't. No shame on those who ship them, just making a point)

Alastor and Lucifer met on screen, and sparks flew. Literally. They were firing shots at each other. It was mostly verbal with magical flourish for visual, but it was also the first time in the series Alastor was less than composed. He'd had one big on-screen confrontation and a few small ones before that and he never lost his head or so much as swore. He said "fuck you" to the devil's face less than 5 mins into meeting him. And they got very in each other's faces. People were going to ship them.

So, this? This is why they're shipped.

On top of this, lot of fledgling aros and aces explore their identities through Alastor and shipping him in whatever ways they like. And it's fan work not official work, so where's the harm in self-exploration? A lot of even some of the nastier fanfiction is people processing trauma, which is healthy and can help those who find it too. The existence of "bad" fan work is 9 times out of 10 a good thing.

But I'm guessing you aren't so much reading as seeing drawings, but here's the thing about that: unless it's a comic, a picture is a single moment. You don't have context of the artist's perspective on his identity unless it's right there in the color palette or there's a straight up flag. You don't know if the artist respects Alastor's sexuality or not. You don't know if, hey, they find his design appealing and wanted to mess with it. At a glance you can't know. And assuming the worst, that all these artists are aphobic, is not good for you, them, or us.

Try not to jump to conclusions just because you saw a suggestive drawing.

I know this was a lot, but I hope this helps you.

not aro or ace, but whenever I see radioapple in particular, like Lucifer/Alastar or something, I forgot bro's name.

I get so fucking pissed, because it's SO popular, but I'm pretty sure Alastar is aroace and everyone keeps on excusing it on the 'aces can feel sexual attraction too' or something for aros and I just.

YEAH. Yeah I agree. I might not know the concept personally, but yeah.

But to me at least, it's never been the point of being aroace???? the, well the centre of it?????

like, to me being aroace is not feeling romantic attraction/sexual attraction

or being on the spectrum of something like that.

tbh it's a bit easier to understand the spectrum if you think it's kinda like the nonbinary spectrum.

I'm a demigirl, I can safely say I fall under that.

So....maybe ?? It's like that for aroaces too? ...sorta?

I just feel like everyone keeps on dismissing the aroace thing, just to focus on their fantasies.

Like.

I don't know following my previous thought, I see Alastor (ohhhh) kinda like Paintbrush (II)

I might not understand much, but Paintbrush is nonbinary they/them

being nonbinary is a spectrum, but their identity in particular is also the clear 100% of what you first things first think a nonbinary person is. the pinnacle, the top of a mountain.

kinda like non-diluted alcohol.

the (1)

To me Alastor has never really been stated to like ummmm....... well...... be apart of the 'Ace people can feel sexual attraction too' thing? or maybe romantic attraction for aromantics....??? I dunno

There's lots of terms tbh, arospec, acespec, I can say im nonbinary and still be a demigirl.

can acespec people say they're ace and still mean that too? bweh....

but like, yeah.

I think I always saw Alastor as like a clear no on those topics, so I've always disliked people loving to ship him....... sorryy?????????

then this sorta stuff happens irl, and I just.

feel pissed.

because it feels like weird weird weird discourse is targetted towards aro's and ace's in particular and I nfjcjcksjdcndkjd.fjcmn. if i see one more guy say weird shit about clothing being an invitation,

ugh.

[chetter-holmgren]

Chet’s arms + shoulders appreciation ❣️

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Smell Check [Easy: Failure]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 1 (part 2 - part 3)

[sideblogdotjpeg]

@purplecladmerchant hi hello happy naddtreat !!!!!!! heres some uncensored zirks for you!!!!!!

for @naddpodgifting (thank u for organizing!!!)

[aroaceleovaldez]

they girlbossed Sally Jackson

[loderlied]

sharing some thoughts about deactivating here because it’s been difficult pondering idk.

[crescentfool]

i love ryomina

no but seriously. even when i’m thinking about other things that captivate my interest, i find myself coming back to them and feeling like i fell down three whole flights of staircases every time i do. they are one of my favorite pairs in media and are very special to me.

it’s the way that ryoji and minato’s lives are inevitably intertwined with each other due to the circumstances 10 years ago on the moonlight bridge. without no minato, there is no ryoji. minato as he is today is because of ryoji. they have irreparably affected each other’s lives that you cannot discuss one without bringing up the other one.

ryoji mochizuki, who is death, pharos, thanatos, nyx avatar, the man of many names and identities, is the perfect summation of p3′s messages and themes.

minato arisato, the wildcard and protagonist, who has boundless kindness in his actions despite the unfortunate cards handed to him.

the two of them complement each other and tell a beautiful story from start to finish.

minato’s personas capture this perfectly. he awakens to orpheus, who’s flames burns bright, is snuffed out by thanatos during the encounter against the arcana magician. a visual precursor of the idea that ryoji stole from the life that minato could have had.

it’s the way that over the course of the game as minato interacts with pharos, talking throughout the dark hour, forging a bond that cannot be broken, that allows ryoji to exist. minato humanizes death.

november. the bells toll, calling the appriser. and yet, it’s peaceful... quiet, and full of life. ryoji, who breaks free from death’s chains, refusing his role, is given the chance to live for a month. to make the most of the humanity that minato has given him over those ten years. and what a life he lived. ryoji’s life is a reflection of what minato’s life could have been like in another universe.

it is the way the two of them are reflections of each other. ryoji with his hair down is just like minato. they are both stubbornly committed to choosing to be kind, to love life, yet are chained down by the cards the narrative dealt them with. they finish each other’s sentences, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else does.

how is that, a boy who lived for only one month, profoundly changes the course of the narrative? he is simultaneously relevant and irrelevant. blink, and you miss it, the beautiful life that he led.

ryoji is horrified at the revelations of being the appriser. he who so desperately wished to forget that his existence was meant to bring the end to all life, was unable to escape the inevitability of death. in a non-human way, of course. he becomes remorseful. a shadow of his brief time as a human who was enamored by the small beautiful things that life had to offer.

he is swallowed by grief. grief knowing that his very existence will take away not only minato’s life, but everyone else’s. the very thing that ryoji loved- life, fundamentally went against the role he was born for- to be the harbinger of death. and unable to grapple with this sadness he believes that the best thing for minato to do is to kill him, so that SEES can live in bliss not knowing about their inevitable end.

SEES is left rattled, calling into question what the meaning of life is and what they do when faced against the inevitability of death.

and!!! minato chooses!! for ryoji to live!! even in spite of what ryoji is MEANT to embody, minato still stubbornly chooses to defy death itself! and if that’s not cool i don’t know what is!! minato wants everyone to have the chance to live!!

so he climbs. he ascends tartarus, to meet ryoji, again, who is now the nyx avatar. and i just think there’s something so so beautiful about being able to use messiah, minato’s ultimate persona, against nyx avatar.

messiah, being the fusion of orpheus and thanatos is peak ryomina to me. because ryoji and minato have established an unbreakable bond from having been entwined for 10 years, minato still has a piece of death with him, and by proxy!! ryoji is able to defy and rebel against nyx trying to bring the fall! and i think that’s fucking cool shit if you ask me!

even when all of the arcanas have been gone through, it’s still not enough to stop the fall. and yet. minato knows. in the way that ryoji was sealed in minato 10 years ago by aigis... minato becomes the great seal so that everyone can live. it comes full circle.

march rolls around. he fulfills his promise to SEES on graduation day. minato dies from exhaustion. but goddamn does his sacrifice make me weep- he’s had such, such a tiring journey. he’s been through so many things because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. but at the end of it all, he’s reunited with ryoji in death.

and i think this is why ryomina continues to evoke so much emotions for me, to this day. the relationship that they have embodies so much of persona 3′s messages and themes that it makes me feel like a microwave with nothing running in it.

p3′s message is very hopeful, for me. my favorite takeaway from it is that even if death is inevitable, appreciating the life that we were given and choosing to live as best as we can with kindness (even if we can’t feasibly do everything), is just? really nice? and you see this manifest in both ryoji and minato’s personalities and what they do for the other characters.

ryomina just feels so distinct to me, the flavor that their relationship ties back to my favorite takeaways from this game and im just!!  god!! i love you minato arisato! i love you ryoji mochizuki! im so glad that i could meet them! i’m happy that they changed my life! they made me want to appreciate the connections in life even if they were fleeting! they made me!! want to pay attention to the good moments in life and cherish them!

i love ryomina so much!!! i’m so glad that these two could bring so much joy into my life! and i hope that others can have this joy too! 💛💙

[unholyxvoid]

jer & co 🫶🏻 serph 🫶🏻 synfell 🫶🏻 kibney 🫶🏻 eclipse 🫶🏻 hi beloved moots i love so very much yall are awesome amazing stay forever 🫶🏻

[nolongerexistingsadcatface]

Ok yes America hating the cold is funny (eh) BUT. have you considered that I like the imagery of an America sitting alone in the forest in the bleak mid-winter landscape of an east coast woods, all alone in both body and mind, agonizing over her seeming doom to be stuck in the throes of loneliness for all eternity?